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lucadiliello

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So I 'm in another one of those weird places - you know , where my mind is going a million miles an hour about a million different things but I can 't pinpoint a single thing that I 'm actually thinking about . Yesterday was rough for some reason . I had all sorts of plans to get all sorts of things done , and I didn 't do ANYTHING . Literally . I sat around all day , playing on the computer , watching movies with the kids , and eating . I won 't even go into the amount of food that I ate yesterday - it disgusts me to think about it . One of the things that I can pinpoint as being directly on my mind is my ex - husband 's family . For almost two years , they have had zero contact with our son . Wait , I take that back . His grandmother sent him a couple of birthday cards and Christmas cards . Nothing from his grandfather . Nothing from his uncles . No phone calls from anyone . Nothing . My ex used the excuse at one point that the restraining order forbid them to have contact - that 's pushing it a bit , but still only accounts for about 7 months out of the last 2 years . The day after my ex died , his sister - in - law called me and informed me that the family wants to " have a relationship " with my son . I got angry and told her exactly how I feel about that family and the way that they have ignored my son 's existence for the last 2 years , and that I wasn 't sure that I wanted him to have any sort of relationship with them . After all , he is 3 1 / 2 . His father has been out of his life for almost 2 years . He doesn 't remember him , he doesn 't ask about him , and he certainly has no clue about anyone in his father 's family - what is the point of introducing these strangers into his life ? They live 1600 miles away - it 's not like they 're going to be popping over for tea on a regular basis . This is something that I am really struggling with . In a perfect world , they would have maintained a relationship with my son throughout this whole ordeal . They would have cared about him enough to call him and check on him and make sure that he was ok . But they didn 't . They didn 't care . They walked out of his life as soon as I kicked his drunk father out of ours . In the 3 + weeks since I had that conversation with the sister - in - law , I have heard exactly NOTHING from any of them . They have not sent me the paperwork for the trust fund that they supposedly set up for my son and his older brother . They have not called my son . They have not sent him a letter or a card or even an email . Yet they want to have a relationship with him ? Are they waiting for me to make the first move ? If they are , they 're going to be waiting a heck of a long time . In my opinion , they have already written him off . They have ignored his existence for two years . The sister - in - law didn 't even know what YEAR he was born - she was shocked when I gave her his date of birth for the trust fund paperwork . It 's not like she didn 't remember the exact day , but to not even know the year ? ? ? I know that I should forgive and forget , let bygones be bygones , etc . etc . etc . But the fact is that I am extremely angry with them . They ignored my son . They took my ex back into the fold and provided him with a place to live and food to eat and ( most likely ) liquor to drink . They continued to enable him , rather than make him take responsibility for his own actions . They blame me for the lack of contact between him and my son - hey guess , what ? I 'm not going to put my son on the phone with someone who is so drunk that he can 't even form complete sentences . Call me crazy if you want , but I 'm not going to do it . I gave him so many chances to clean up his act , but he chose not to . Yes , alcoholism is a disease - but there is treatment for the disease , should the affected individual CHOOSE to seek that treatment . He chose not to . Had he sought treatment and counseling , he could have had all the contact that he wanted with my son . This is one of those times that I wish I could see into the future and see the various outcomes that could happen . I would like to know if allowing ( or not allowing ) a relationship between my son and his father 's family is the best thing for my son . Because in the big picture , it doesn 't matter what I think or feel about them - it is about what is best for my son . Personally , right now , at this moment in time , I think it 's best to pretend that they don 't exist , just as they have done to him . He is too young to understand who they are . I feel like they only want to have this so - called relationship for their own selfish reasons - they aren 't thinking about what is best for him , only what is best for them . But now that I 've gotten all that off of my chest ( wow , I really didn 't mean to type that much ) I have to get back to cleaning and laundry and running my daughter 's lunchbox across town to give to the stepmother and watching the race and watching the weather ( hail in February ? really ? ) and figuring the bills and all sorts of other stuff that I have to work on today . Maybe I can be more productive today than I was yesterday . Probably the most excitement that we 've had is that when my 5 year old got off the bus from preschool yesterday , his bus driver handed me a letter informing me that the preschool was now closed . Until further notice . That 's it . It 's closed . Wha . . . . . . . . . . ? The driver and the aide were both in tears - they had been informed just before they brought the kids home . The letter was vague at best - something about looking for a new grantee to run the program and they would reopen as soon as possible , blah blah blah . OK , luckily I don 't have a " real " job so in the grand scheme of things , it 's not that big of a deal . But at the same time , I am so incredibly angry . There are other parents who work outside of the home who now have no one to watch their kid ( s ) while this grantee business is worked out . The kids are now totally thrown out of their routine . It 's a mess . No one knows anything . Typical of a government funded program , I suppose . I did finally receive my temporary daycare license in the mail today . I have been struggling with what I want to do as far as the daycare goes . Honestly , it 's a hassle . Not the kids themselves , but the paperwork and the inspections and all that jazz . I enjoy the kids - I just don 't enjoy the other stuff . I had almost decided that I didn 't want to do it at all , other than the little bit of part time stuff that I do now . But , now that I have my license in hand , I think I 'm going to go through with it and just keep it as a part time gig . I have other sources of income now , and running a daycare can now be more of a " fun " thing to do rather than something that I have to do . I think it 's all going to work out just fine in the end . So , because I just don 't have anything fun or witty or deep to say tonight , I figured I 'd give posting pictures a try . I was down to only one kid for most of the day today , so we went out on a little pre - half - marathon jaunt , for a grand total of 7 . 24 miles . I took my camera and got some random shots along the way . . . . He has the best vantage point on our walks . He gets to sit back , relax , suck his thumb , play with a few toys , and chatter about everything that he sees . I love to see the world through his eyes ! So there you have it . . . . . 7 . 24 miles summed up in a bunch of pictures . Maybe I 'll have something more brilliant to say tomorrow . But until then , I get to play the role of Vomit Wrangler Extraordinaire . Yay me ! Today was interesting . Since the little one let me sleep until almost 10am ( a perk of him staying up playing until midnight last night when he finally decided that he wasn 't sick anymore ) I was a bit slow to get moving . My 5 year old came home shortly after that and I wandered around the house , still in the clothes that I slept in with my medusa - like hair flying around my head . Next thing I know , there 's a knock at my door . Not just any knock , but the loud * BAM * * BAM * * BAM * that can only come from law enforcement . Sure enough , there 's a sheriff on my front porch , wanting to know if some guy lived here . I said no , and he asked me , " are you sure ? " Uh yeah , buddy . I might look like hell , but I 'm pretty sure I do know who lives here ! Once I convinced him that I did not know the guy and that he never lived here with me , he apologized for bugging me and left . Whoa . OK , that was strange . Another knock at the door , this time nicely and politely . It was a gentleman from the electric company , informing me that they were going to be cutting power to my house so that they could replace a transformer . Oh , yay . I thanked him for the warning , shut down the computer , and got the boys ready to go grocery shopping . We went out to get in the She - Beast , and she had somehow slipped into a coma . * growl * So what did we do ? We walked to the grocery store . OK , it 's not like it 's that far - it 's only a block and it looked nice enough out . We got jackets on and started walking , and then I realized that it was actually pretty cold out . Dammit . Anyway , we got to the store and got some stuff . I only got about half of the things on my list because we were walking , but I still overestimated the weight that I was going to have to carry home . Thankfully I had brought my reusable bags , so once they were crammed full we headed out to go back to the house . Perfect timing , as the electric trucks were pulling out of the alley as we walked across the front yard . In the meantime , I had emailed a friend about the comatose She - Beast , and so he showed up to jump it for me . We hooked it up to his truck , she started , we let her run and she seemed to be fine . Hopefully she won 't have an attitude in the morning again . Stupid thing . Then another friend called and asked if he could come over - he was having troubles with love and needed to talk for a while , so we hung out and chatted . After he left , the boys finally wound down and crashed on the couch and I tossed them into bed and started playing around on Facebook . The things I see on there amaze me . The love and support to the family of my classmate that passed away yesterday is uplifting to say the least . I see new relationships forming , relationships that are troubled , relationships ending , expectant mothers receiving chemo , the long - unemployed getting jobs , deaths , births , illnesses , recoveries , venting , rejoicing - it 's all there . People that I haven 't seen in 20 + years have been an unrelenting source of support for me as I have gone through all the BS of the past year or so , and sometimes it still catches me by surprise . And I see some of the struggles that my friends are going through , both near and far , and it makes me realize that no matter how crappy of a day I 've had , someone else has had a worse one . And when I 'm having a good day , I can pass along some cheer and smiles to someone who needs it . Facebook is a powerful thing . The good thing though , is that I have accomplished most of the stuff on my list today . I did the girls ' laundry , I stripped and remade their beds ( I just have to put the blanket and comforter back on the top bunk and then I can say that task is done , and they 're both in the dryer ) and I vacuumed their room . I organized the freezers and I got half of the grocery shopping done . Tomorrow I am going to straighten up the boys ' room , do their laundry , strip their beds , hopefully wash the towels , and work with Connie for a few hours . As long as the She - Beast starts , I should be in good shape , but we 'll see if that happens . * crossing fingers * But for now , I believe that I am going to go watch whatever movie it was that I rented last night . I can 't even remember what I got at this point . I think I have once again lost my mind . Another night where I just don 't even know what to say . My mind is going a bajillion miles an hour , but I can 't seem to form a coherent thought . The unexpected loss of our high school classmate at the young age of 40 has been on my mind most of the day , and has had me rethinking some things . Heather was the last person that I would have ever expected to have had a heart attack . She seemed to be so happy and so healthy . She hiked and had a garden and a good job and just seemed happy . She was only 2 weeks older than I am , and when someone who is your age dies , it makes you think about how it could happen to you too . Or , at least it does that to me , but I also tend to overanalyze things . Still . . . it got me to thinking . . . there are so many things that I could be doing to be healthier in so many ways . I know I could eat better . I know I need to exercise more . I know I need to take care of my finances better . I know I need to keep the house neater and more organized . OK , so maybe these don 't all relate to physical health , but they are part of my overall health . And I know that I 've made half - hearted efforts at these things before , but I never follow through with them . So , I have some goals for the next few days . I am going to list them out here with the hopes that it will help to keep me accountable and on track . Yeah , we 'll see how that works . Anyway , here they are , in no particular order : 2 . Make grocery list from the aforementioned menu . I cleaned out my cabinets the other day so it should be easy to make the list and not buy a bunch of stuff that I don 't need . 4 . Actually set aside time on my calendar to work out - either walking or working out if the weather is bad . But scheduled the time and then stick to it . I do have a half - marathon to prepare for , you know . 5 . Set aside time every day to actually balance my checkbook . * gasp * I haven 't done that in about 2 years . Time to start over . I have to take better care of myself . It 's something that I 've never done , and I know now that I have to . No one else is going to do it for me . We all got up this morning and I managed to get everyone up and dressed and fed and to school on time , and then the 2 younger ones and I came home , as they didn 't have school today . I called Connie to let her know that we would not be coming to see her , as Sir Pukesalot was continuing to spew from both ends , and I didn 't think that it was a good idea to expose her to that . So we tentatively rescheduled for Tuesday . I spent the day rotating between laundry , mopping , disinfecting , dishes , holding the puke can , racing the little one to the toilet , and trying to sit and relax occasionally . It was nuts . But I did get a lot of cleaning done around the house , and the floors actually look really good for a change . Now , if I can only keep them that way . . . . . After the older kids got home , we ate supper ( leftovers ! ) and then went out to run a few errands . The brake lights on my dash are still on from the near - accident yesterday , so I know that I 'm going to need to get those looked at soon . We stopped and got a card for a high school classmate who is going through some major health issues ( mental note : put in mail tomorrow ) and then we went and got some milk and ice cream . After we got home , I let the girls run across the street to rent a couple of movies and then everyone started to relax a little bit . I * think * that everyone might be asleep , which makes me wonder - why am I still up ? I did manage to get some sleep last night , but if I went to be now , I could theoretically get 8 or 9 hours of sleep , barring any unexpected spewage from any of the kids . Now where was I ? Honestly , I have no idea . These last 2 days have really just blended into one big long puke - filled ordeal . Thank God tomorrow is Saturday , we don 't have to get up early ( although I 'm sure I will anyway ) , we don 't have to go anywhere , and maybe we can just relax . I haven 't checked the weather , but if it 's decent hopefully we can get outside and play ( assuming the pukage stops ) and just have a good day . I need a break . . . . . didn 't get any better . Once the 5 year old went to preschool for the afternoon , Sir Poopsalot and I laid down for a little bit and took a nap while the 6 year old ( who really wasn 't sick ) amused himself and played quietly . I didn 't get much sleep , but I felt a little bit better . By the time everyone got home from school , I had made yet another executive decision and announced that we were going to walk to McDonald 's to get food . The little one seemed to be doing better , and he * wanted * to go , so I took that as a good sign . While we were walking there ( it 's less than a block away - dangerous for a fast food junkie like myself ) I happened to look down and lo and behold , there was a $ 20 on the ground ! Woot ! That just about covered supper for all of us ! Bonus ! Anyway , we got our food , came back home , ate , and then went outside to play . While we were out there I scoped out the back yard trying to figure out exactly how I am going to fence it in to meet daycare regulations . I really need to talk to the landlord and see if he will work with me on it - then I can put up something decent . If he doesn 't , it 's going to be cheap and ugly . But we played , we threw a football around and then we came inside to get ready for bed . Once we got inside , the little one crawled up onto the couch and fell asleep again . I started baths for the others and then of course , he got sick ( think Exorcist ) again . I stripped him on the couch and carried him at arm 's length to the bathtub . Once I got him in the water and cleaned up , I stripped the covers off of the couch cushions and threw those , the throw pillows , and his clothes in the washer . More baths , more cleaning , more homework . . . bedtime drama . . . once I got them all into bed I sat down to relax a little bit and then mopped the worst of the floors , so now I am sitting here inhaling all sorts of * ahem * lovely smells from my house . I talked to a friend for a while on the phone , and realized that I haven 't spoken to her since my ex passed away . Honestly , I haven 't spoken to a lot of my friends . I 've been in my own little world , dealing with my own drama , trying not to dump it on anyone else ( other than here , but you can make the choice whether or not to read it ) . My life has changed dramatically in so many ways in the 15 days since he died . I realized that I no longer have to live in fear of him coming back and causing problems for me or our son . I don 't have to live in hiding like I have been doing . I don 't have to constantly look over my shoulder anymore . I don 't think that a lot of people realized how much I feared something happening if he showed up here again . But at the same time , I realized that in a way , I did still love him . I knew realistically that he would probably never sober up and be a decent father , but I still hoped that he would have . As I 've looked at old pictures over the past 2 weeks , I 've smiled thinking about the good times that we had - but I have also shed more tears over the bad times . I have gone through every emotion imaginable , and I feel like maybe I am starting to come to grips with it all . I feel like I am finally starting to handle things better , and I feel like in the grand scheme of things , we are going to be ok . I admit that I stayed up way too late last night . I got on the phone with a friend and we chatted until close to 1 : 30am . Knowing that I had to be up at 5 : 15 , I finally got off the phone and laid down , but it was probably close to 2 : 00am before I fell asleep . The next thing I knew , my oldest daughter came out to get me telling me that the youngest had thrown up . Huh ? What ? Who are you ? In my fog , I staggered back to his room and the smell woke me up instantly , and I realized that it was about 2 : 45am . I got him stripped and into the bathtub , as that was the only hope for him at that point , and took his comforter and pajamas and immediately threw them into the washer . I got him into a fresh pair of jammies and put him in bed with me . By this time , it was close to 3 : 30am . He fell asleep , but from that point on , he woke up and puked more about every 30 - 45 minutes . I knew that I still had to get the 3 older kids to school and so around 6 : 00am I sent a text to their stepmother asking if she could please come and pick them up , as I didn 't want to take the chance of him getting sick on the way to or from , and thankfully she agreed . In the meantime all of the kids were getting up and getting ready , and the 6 year old just didn 't look right . Sure enough , he started saying that his stomach hurt . Fine - I made the executive decision to keep him home as well . I got the pancakes made , got everyone fed who wanted to eat , and sent the girls to school with their stepmother . I dozed off and on while the boys played but then had to get up to get the 5 year old to playschool . About this time , the youngest one 's diarrhea started . Fun fun . As we pulled into the playschool parking lot , a car started backing out of a parking space and came within inches of slamming into my door ( ironically , the car had PA tags on it ) so I slammed on my brakes and hit the horn . I felt the brakes lock up but didn 't think too much about it . I pulled up behind the school , took the 5 year old inside , and when I came back out I noticed that both my " brake " light and my " anti - lock " light were lit up on the dash . I turned the van off and back on thinking that might reset them , but no , the lights stayed on while we drove home . The brakes feel ok , I think - I just don 't know why the lights won 't go off . Add it to the list of repairs . Now for the rest of the day it 's laundry and cleaning to try to get the smell of vomit out of the house , figure out something for supper ( as usual ) , homework , paperwork - I was going to try to do some grocery shopping but I 'm not sure if I can do that with Sir Poopsalot , but I need to figure something out . And maybe at some point I can actually take the time to get a shower . Excitement ! ! ! Yep , it 's Wednesday . Wednesdays are notoriously crazy around this house . It is the first night that the older 3 come back here from their dad 's house , and they are always fired up . It started out as a fairly easy day . I got to sleep in a little bit , and I didn 't have any extra kids for the day . I also didn 't have to go take care of Connie today , so there was no place that I had to be . After I got the 5 year old on the bus to preschool , I decided to take the youngest and go for a walk - after all , if I am going to do this half - marathon in May , I need to really start working for it . The weather was perfect , so we loaded up the stroller and took off . I had mapped out my route before we left and was aiming for 6 . 5 - 7 miles - I wanted to do at least half of a half - marathon . We stopped at the library to drop off some books , stopped at the post office to check the box , and kept going . 6 . 63 miles later , I turned off the tracker on the phone because I was getting tired and screwing up my pace , and we stopped to get lunch ( I got a salad ) . We came home and I got a shower and cleaned all of the mud off of me ( stupid melting snow ) and then started getting supper ready while I cleaned up the house . In the meantime , I got a call from Social Security about my youngest son 's benefits that he 'll be receiving from his father - luckily that phone call went very smoothly , thanks to my ex - husband 's first wife getting the ball rolling for both of us . The same worker is handling both of the boys ' cases so she already had a lot of the information that she needed . I am so very thankful to her for giving me the name of the lady that she had spoken with as it made things so much easier . The older 3 got home around 5 : 30 and we had about an hour to eat before they had to leave again to go to church with their father and stepmother . They ate ( well , 2 out of the 3 did - the third refused because " it was gross " ) and played out in the front yard with the football until it was time for them to leave . There was some I Can 't Find My Shoes and I 'm Still Hungry drama , but no more than usual . After they left , I made the 2 younger ones clean up the toys in the living room under the Don 't Make Me Get A Trash Bag And Clean Up The Toys Myself threat . And of course , my body is feeling every inch of the 6 . 63 miles that I walked today . I 've said it before and I 'll say it again - ibuprofen is my friend . Hopefully I can walk in the morning , since I have to be up and running at 5 : 15am to get everyone up and ready so that I can get the older 3 to school on time . Please let me remember to set both of my alarms AND the timer on the coffee pot - I 'm going to need all of the help that I can get in the morning . Today started out ok . I got to sleep in a little bit , which is a rare treat . My 5 year old was brought back home after spending part of the weekend with his father , and we chilled out until it was time to start getting ready for school . Then I got the mail . Yup . That 's when it all started falling to pieces . Getting a letter from the Internal Revenue Service is never a good thing . NEVER . Long story short , apparently my dead ex - husband drained his 401K sometime in 2008 without my knowledge and then filed our taxes together without claiming that money as income . So now there is a nice chunk of money that * I * am responsible for . Really ? The IRS lady that I spoke with was actually really nice ( except for that horrendous Boston accent that makes my skin crawl every time I hear it ) and she was very understanding . But regardless , the money is coming out of * my * tax refund ( you know , the money I was planning on surviving on for a little bit ) , I have to file for Innocent Spouse Relief , and then if I qualify , they 'll give me the money back . Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things , but you know , I thought that I was done cleaning up his messes . That 's what I get for thinking . Whatever . I 'll deal with it . I 'll clean this one up too . I did a little bit of shopping today , and for the first time in probably a decade or more I bought myself a pair of pajamas . Yup . Why ? Because they were cute and dammit I wanted them . So there . So I am now sitting here sporting my new St . Patrick 's Day pajamas and drinking a beer just because I can . Yep . And no one can stop me . Deal with it . As I 've talked to friends and family about my ex 's death , I find myself wondering about the What Could Have Been scenario . You know , I always hoped that he would straighten up and be a decent father . I hoped that he would beat the alcoholism . I hoped , I hoped , I hoped . Then I rented " Charlie St . Cloud " tonight and sat here and watched it . I wasn 't impressed by the movie as a whole - ok , it wasn 't bad . . . just wasn 't fabulous . But throughout the whole movie I kept thinking about how the little boy , Sam , looked like my ex 's older son . And he was into baseball , like my ex . And he always wore a Red Sox ball cap , like my ex . One of Sam 's last lines in the movie was " no one ever gets to see what could have been " . I can sit here and think about all the potential scenarios of how our lives could have been different had we chosen to do things differently , but the point is that I 'll never know . I need to stop beating myself up over it . It is what it is . Now that I have that food for thought , I believe I am going to go crash . I have an early and long day tomorrow , with extra kids in and out and playschool and preschool and working with Connie and cleaning and laundry and all of the other fun stuff that I do on a daily basis . If I sleep now I can get a good 6 hours in before I * have * to get up . I mean really - if you 're in a relationship and you love someone , shouldn 't you show that person every day ? Shouldn 't you tell him / her every day , even multiple times a day , that you love him / her ? Do you really have to have the multi - bajillion dollar greeting card companies tell you when to be affectionate ? OK , so let 's say that you actually " celebrate " this day . You do everything that you are supposed to do - the flowers , the card , the chocolate , the fancy dinner - and then on February 15 , things go back to normal . But shouldn 't the " normal " be special ? Don 't " normal " days warrant displays of love and affection ? Or is it ok to NOT show love to your significant other just because it 's not a ( made - up ) holiday ? So I might be a little bitter about it just because I 'm not even in a relationship , so displays of affection for me consist of kisses from my kids and cards made out of construction paper ( which I do love ) , and this day just rubs my singleness in my face . Do I want to be in a relationship right now ? Mmmmmm . . . . maybe , maybe not . The jury is still out on that one . I miss having someone around , but I 'm also way too independent to have someone around all the time at this point . I do enjoy my singleness ( to a point ) but at the same time , I miss being part of a couple . I just get really aggravated with people who go all out for one day each year . I feel like their significant others are getting shafted every other day . Maybe I 'm old - fashioned . . . but I think that maybe if we treated our " special someone " better every other day of the year , a lot of people would be a lot happier . Just sayin ' . Oh , and for the record - I have felt the same way about this day for as long as I can remember - even when I was in a happy relationship . It 's not just me being bitter and single . So there . All I know is that I ran myself ragged yesterday . Up at 5 : 30 , got all 5 kids up and dressed and fed , out the door and into the She - Beast by 7 : 15am . I dropped the older 3 off at school and then ran about 15 miles up the road to take care of my lady ( I need to come up with a name for her . I feel weird calling her " my lady " but I 'm trying not to use real names on here . How about if I call her . . . . . oh my gosh I really can 't think of a good name . . . . I 'll call her Connie . I don 't know why , it just popped into my head , but it sounds good ) who shall now be called Connie . I got to her place shortly after 8am and got to work doing her laundry and cleaning her bathroom and doing dishes and stuff . The boys were watching movies in her living room and we actually behaving fairly well for a change . Connie 's brother came over with a gentleman who was outside shoveling the snow , and this man was nice enough to put more oil into the She - Beast , as I had mentioned that I was praying the whole way to her house that I was going to make it . Stupid oil leak . Anyway , he got the oil out of the back end and filled her up and she ran ok for the rest of the day . I worked with Connie until just afternoon and then took my 5 year old to school and stopped and got some lunch for me and the 3 year old before heading back up to her house to finish up some things . I stayed there for another hour and a half or so and then we had to head back to pick up the 5 year old ( yep , going to come up with names for the kids now too ) from school . I ran to the bank , picked him up , went to pick up some pizzas for supper , and ex # 1 met me there with the older three kids . Back home , pizzas in oven , straighten up , eat supper , load up the She - Beast , head back out to the kids ' school for a basketball game ( which turned out to be 2 games ) , try to control 5 kids through 2 basketball games , back home , kids to bed , more laundry , more dishes . . . . then I finally crashed . 3 : 20am today , I woke up with a leg cramp . Not a normal leg cramp either - you know , the ones in the calf that can be easily stretched out . No , this one had to be up the outside of my leg , from my ankle to my knee . I could 't stretch it , and since I was in an exhaustion - induced coma , I really couldn 't even figure out what was going on . So I wobbled over to the kitchen , slugged down some ibuprofen and a bottle of water , wobbled back to the futon and passed out again . Woke up at some point this morning and the 5 year old was snuggled in with me . Cool . At least he wasn 't trashing the joint - and I fell back asleep . Then the kids started getting up and I noticed that he was gone . And then I noticed the big wet spot on the futon . Then the 6 year old started screaming that the 5 year old pooped on the floor . Oh good God really ? REALLY ? So I got up and went to investigate . Sure enough . . . . So the 5 year old got a bath and got dressed , I stripped everything off of the futon , started laundry ( imagine that ) and got breakfast thrown in the oven . And it 's already 12 : 30 . How is it that I 've been running non - stop and still feel like I 've gotten nothing done yet ? But I do have some plans for some things that I do want to get done today - I just need to get some more caffeine into my system first . And maybe some more ibuprofen too . It 's Thursday . On Thursdays , I am supposed to have my two youngest boys at playschool at 9 : 00am . Since my other kids ended up spending the night with their dad because of the weather , I didn 't have to get up as early as I typically do on Thursdays , and I think I set my alarm for 7 : 30 . The boys got up and started playing around , and I continued laying on the futon , which was sooooo incredibly comfortable . And warm . The next thing I knew , it was 8 : 39am . I had exactly 21 minutes to get them to school , and by God they were going . These mornings are the ONLY times that I have time to myself and I was not giving it up . I grabbed some clothes for them and got them dressed and then took a quick look at myself . Luckily , I generally sleep in sweats , so if I have to I can make a quick public appearance before actually getting dressed . While it 's not my preference , it does occasionally happen . I grabbed some fruit snacks for them to eat on the way and we took off out the door . I got them to school at 9 : 05 and was feeling quite pleased with myself for being close to on time , and I went back home . When I got out of the She - Beast , I slammed the door and turned around to walk to the door , and as I did , I bumped into a low - hanging branch on the neighbor 's tree . Snow immediately dumped down the back of my bare neck and started melting down inside the back of my shirt . I bolted for the house , got inside , and was in the shower in about 2 . 5 seconds . I got out of the shower and got dressed and within moments there was a knock at my door . I wasn 't expecting anyone and there was not a car in the driveway , so I cautiously opened my door . It was my neighbor lady , who apologetically asked if she could come inside , as she had locked her keys in her car and couldn 't get back into her house . She had her cell phone with her so she had called her son to get him to at least let her back into her house and then she was calling her roadside assistance people to get the keys out of her car . We sat and visited for a while before her son arrived and she went back home . Another knock at the door . What the . . . . . ? I opened up and it was the lady from the health department who was here to do the next portion of the inspection for my daycare licensing . Needless to say , I haven 't done much of anything over the past week , so I now have a list of things that I * must * do this week . She left exactly 5 minutes before I had to leave to go get the boys . So much for my me - time . Grrr . I went to get them and then hurried back home so that the 5 year old could get on the bus for preschool . The plan was for me and my youngest to leave as soon as he got on the bus - normally at about 11 : 20am - so that we could head up the road to work for the lady that I try to work for a few times per week . We waited for his bus , and at about 11 : 30 I called the school , only to find out that the busses weren 't running today . Gee , thanks for letting me know that - NOT . So I told them that he wasn 't going to be at school today , as I had plans that I had to get to , and since I DIDN ' T KNOW that the busses weren 't running , my plans were already screwed up enough . We ran across town to get gas and some lunch for the boys , and his bus driver called me - she was following me and recognized the She - Beast ( who wouldn 't ? ) and was giving me a hard time , but also informed me that the busses weren 't running again tomorrow . Ugh . Mess up my day some more , will you ? Anyway , we got gas , got lunch , and headed up to my lady 's house . The boys watched a movie and ate lunch while I did some of her laundry and cleaned up around the house a bit . She has spent the past few months in either the hospital or a nursing home and so there is quite a bit of cleaning to do , but she is a lot of fun to work with and I enjoy going to see her . Once I got done with her , we headed back home to wait for the older 3 to get home from school . Once they did and I visited with their father about stuff ( Picture day is tomorrow . I have to take them to a basketball game tomorrow night . Weekend schedule . Homework stuff . Valentine crap . ) we started on supper and homework and Valentines . I * hate * Valentine 's Day . Always have , even when I wasn 't single . But being single just makes me hate it even more . It is annoying . And why on Earth is my 6 year old 's VD party tomorrow , when VD actually falls on Monday ? Why do I have to deal with helping him fill out these stupid little cards today , when he should have all weekend to do it ? Ugh . Ugh . Ugh . Bath for the 5 year old , who once again pooped in his pants . Supper . Homework . Bath for the youngest . Valentine crap . Laundry . Dishes . Cleaning . Change the 5 year old into a different pair of pajamas because he pooped in the first pair . Send the 5 year old to bed . Send everyone else to bed . Take some time to type out this mindless drivel . Yep . I need a clone . I really do . But then again , it would probably end up like that movie . . . . . I don 't remember the name of it , but I think the guy cloned himself , but the clone wasn 't quite " right " and so he had to constantly clean up after the clone , and the clone 's clone , etc etc etc . That was a movie , right ? Good grief I need sleep . I think it started at about 1am last night . I was on the phone with a friend , talking about the events of the past week and analyzing things with him - he 's always good at giving me a long - distance smack upside the head when I need it , and for that , I am eternally grateful . Anyway , while we were talking , my 5 year old got up out of bed and came out to the living room with " the look " on his face . About a nano - second later , he started puking all over the living room floor . I hung up on my friend and grabbed a trash can to catch any remaining spewage and then got him cleaned up . He seemed to be fine , so we changed his clothes , he brushed his teeth , and went back to bed . I got the mess cleaned up and called my friend back to continue our late - night counseling session . I finally got to bed around 3am , thankful that the weather had cancelled any plans that we might have had for the day , but bummed that it meant that my older three wouldn 't be coming back home - but I 'd rather have them stay safe at their father 's house than risk driving out here with a foot of snow on the roads . The boys woke me up around 8am and I laid around for a while before I finally decided to get up . I made breakfast for us ( double chocolate chip muffins ) ( out of a box ) and then decided that we were going to go outside to play in the snow . We recently got some hand - me - down clothes from a friend and there was a pair of snow boots in there that would fit my youngest , but I didn 't have a pair for the 5 year old . I thought for a minute and then remembered that I had put a bag of shoes ( also HMD 's ) in the garage when we moved , and I thought that there might be some boots in there . So , in order to get into the garage , I had to fire up the She - Beast , back her up about 5 feet away from the garage door , clear the snow away from the base of the door , pry the door open with the shovel , clear away some more snow , pry some more , and finally opened the door . I found the bag of shoes , and whaddya know - the boots were in there ! I did a little happy dance and went back into the house clutching my new find . Of course , in order to actually go outside , I had to get both boys dressed , put on their snow pants , put on their boots , get their coats on , then hats , then gloves , then make them stand around and wait while I put on a second pair of socks , my boots , my coat , a hat , and gloves . Then we could finally go outside . We had exactly 12 " of beautiful white powder on the ground - more than I 've seen at one time ( that I can remember ) in the 13 + years that I 've lived in Kansas , so I was having a ball ! I love snow - but only when it 's " real " snow , which I define as a minimum of 12 " . We played around in the snow and I took a bunch of pictures and then we went back around front so that I could shovel the sidewalks . I 'm not sure why I bother with shoveling . I mean really , no one else does it . I 've never bothered with it . But for some reason , after moving into this house , I 've been shoveling . It is good exercise - and it is good stress relief . But I can already tell that I 'll be feeling it later . Once we got done playing around outside , we came in and I started uploading the pictures that I had taken . I got a nice hot shower and changed into my official Domestic Goddess Attire - sweats , tshirt , and sweatshirt . The rest of the day up until now has been more of the usual - the never - ending laundry , picking up toys , straightening up , doing dishes , etc etc etc . . . But at the same time I 've also been processing a lot of things in my head . I 've been doing a little bit of online research into some ways to help me to reach the goals that I have , and although I wouldn 't say that I 'm feeling motivated , I 'm at least starting to formulate some plans in my head . My next step will be to get those plans down on paper ( or better yet into a document on the computer so that I don 't lose the paper ) so that I can figure out how to put them into action . My biggest thing right now is getting the house cleaned up - I bought and installed an 8 ' shelf in my laundry room yesterday , which is helping immensely , but I really just need to get moving - I bet if I seriously focused for one day ( or even one long evening ) , I could have this place done the way that I want it to be done . And then once the house is clean and organized , I 'll feel like I can concentrate on the other stuff . And now that I put it out here for the world to see ( or at least my 20 - something stalkers ) I have no choice but to do it . Yep . It 's all a part of the plan . . . . . . Now that the fog in my head is starting to lift and I have analyzed everything that has happened in the past couple of years or more to the point that it just can 't be analyzed anymore , I realize that I need to get on with my life . I 'm not " over it " - I don 't know that I ever will be - but I also know that as a single mother who is trying to survive , I have to start to function again . I have to live . There are so many things that I want to do . I have so many goals , but so many of them seem so hard to reach right now . Some are small , some are huge . And these are in no order , other than the order that I am thinking of them . 2 . I need to get ready for this half - marathon . I have put 7 pounds back on this past week ( thank you stress and Mother Nature , you little brat ) and I just can 't keep going up and down like that . 3 . Along with the half - marathon deal , I just need to be healthier in general . OK , I know that it 's a morbid thought , but now if anything were to happen to me , my youngest son would be lost . I have to keep myself healthy , for all of my kids and especially for him . And with no health insurance , I need to pay better attention to what I eat and what I do to my body . 4 . Finances . Yeah , my finances suck . I really need to focus on that , but I 'm not even going to go into detail there . Way too depressing . Maybe once I get my taxes filed , I 'll feel better about that situation . 5 . Crafty stuff - My ultimate dream is still to have a little shop of my own with my craft stuff , and to actually make a living at it . I know that at this point it 's a pipe dream , but it 's still a dream . So I will keep putzing around doing stuff here and there and selling it here and there and just enjoy being able to do it when I can . Like I said , I 'm not over it . Not even close . But I know that I have to get past it . So , I 'm going to go put a pot of coffee on , see if I can warm up a bit , and get started on the little things that will make me feel like I 'm getting back on track . This has probably been the best day that I 've had since getting the news . I went to church this morning with my youngest , and it was the first time that we have made it in quite a while . Everyone knew what happened and I was greeted with lots of smiles and hugs and tears . It was comforting to be with such a wonderful group of people for both the service and the chili / chicken noodle soup luncheon afterwards . After we came home , I put a movie in and my son went to sleep on the couch . I cleaned up around the living room a little and then did my nails while I watched the movie . It was nice to just sit and do something that didn 't require a great deal of thought , and to have peace and quiet at the same time . It was really the first " alone time " that I 've had , and I really enjoyed it . Then we ran to the store to pick up a few things to go over to our friends ' house to watch the Super Bowl . And yes , even though I am from Pennsylvania , I was absolutely thrilled to see the Steelers lose - so sue me ! After it was over , I got to spend some quality time in the hot tub , talking and thinking out loud . Back home again , and the little one is asleep on the couch . I 'm sitting here playing around online , catching up with people on Facebook that I haven 't had a chance to talk to with all of the commotion that has been going on around here . My mind is still going in about a dozen different directions at any given time , but the fog is starting to lift from my brain . I know that I have to get past this , and our lives must go on . I am still struggling , and I know that I will continue to do so for a long time . I was thinking back to the last time I talked to my ex - husband , several months ago . I was brutally honest with him at that time and I said some things that he didn 't want to hear , but I still believe that they were the truth and they needed to be said and he needed to hear them . I still remember his responses to me and that conversation will haunt me until the day that I die . I will always wish that things had turned out differently . I wish that I had handled certain situations in a different way , or that I would have been able to deal with some things better . But what I have to keep reminding myself is that what happened can 't be changed . Even if I had done everything perfectly , the outcome may have been the same . I need to try to get past my own feelings of guilt and move on with my life and make a good life for not just our son , but all of my kids . Day by day , bit by bit , it will get easier . At least that 's what I keep telling myself when I feel a meltdown coming . . . . Today was another attempt at maintaining normalcy around here . I took the kids ( 4 of them , anyway ) to the final basketball game of the season ( yay ! ) and managed to limp the She - Beast home with her massive oil leak . After we got home , I started cleaning and doing the massive amounts of laundry that needed to be done . I lost track of how many I did , but I did at least get all 3 boys ' beds stripped and remade , a few loads of clothes done , and the towels are washing and drying as I type this . Luckily , a good friend showed up unexpectedly with her daughters , and while the kids played she helped me to do some cleaning and straightening up . It is times like this that make me realize how lucky I am - I might not have any family nearby , but my friends are incredible . Another friend brought dinner by as well . My oldest daughter has a friend spending the night , so the 3 girls are in the bedroom playing around for a while longer before I send them to bed . I had to throw a major temper tantrum to get them to all play nicely together - when one of my girls has a friend come over , she never wants the other sister to play with them and it always creates drama . Once I went off on them and threatened to send the friend back home , things calmed down considerably . Of course , in the middle of doing laundry , the dryer died again . Ugh . I crawled up onto the kitchen table - the only way I can reach the breaker box - and flipped all of the breakers off and on , and it still wouldn 't work . So I pulled the dryer out from the wall , unplugged it , and plugged it back in . Voila . It works . Stupid piece of crap . * grouch * Somewhere in the middle of all of this , I realized that today would have been Gramma 's 102nd birthday . She died in 1994 from cancer , and not a day goes by that I don 't think about her . She 's even the one who taught me how to do laundry back when I was a freshman in college and living with her and my aunt and uncle . Life was so much simpler then . She and I would load up our laundry in my 1976 Mustang II and head to the laundromat . While our laundry was washing , we 'd go to the pizza place next door and have pizza and soda and chat about life in general . Such good times . . . . . I feel like the fog that I 've been in for the past few days is starting to lift . I still have an occasional meltdown , but it 's getting easier to think and easier to breathe . I 'm planning on taking my youngest to church tomorrow , and there 's a dinner after , so we 'll have lots of time to visit with our church family . I 'm sure that there will be tears , but I know that 's next to impossible to avoid right now . Each day will hopefully get easier . I know I 've said it before , but my friends are amazing . I know that I couldn 't have made it through the past few days without you . Thank you for everything . So here I am , 48 + hours after hearing the news . I feel like I am starting to get my emotions somewhat under control , although I still have occasional meltdowns throughout the day . I think I have just hit the Numb Auto - Pilot stage - I am going through the motions of doing what needs to be done . Regardless of what is going on in my head , I still have 5 kids to take care of , and with them comes their laundry and their baths and feeding them and getting them to school and all of that fun stuff . I have been trying to maintain some sense of normalcy , but it hasn 't been easy . I don 't even really know what to say tonight . I feel lost . I spent most of the day working for a lady who just got out of the hospital , doing some laundry and housekeeping for her , and the rest of the day was spent running kids back and forth to school and dealing with my own household stuff . Or , I should probably say avoiding my own household stuff . My house is trashed . I mean , really trashed . I have been in such a fog that the kids have torn just about every toy out of the toy box , there is still laundry all over the place ( would you believe that I am sitting on a pile of laundry that somehow ended up on my chair ? ) , and there is a massive amount of dishes to do . I just can 't bring myself to do any of it , but I have made up my mind that as soon as I post this , I 'm going to get to it . I will put a stupid movie in and get to work . The weekend will continue as usual . Up early tomorrow for basketball games , then back home with all of the kids . I have to try to convince my girls to clean their room as my oldest is having a friend come to spend the night and I will not tolerate their room looking the way that it does now . My 5 year old is going with his father tomorrow for at least part of the weekend , and then up early again on Sunday to send the three oldest to church with their father while I take the youngest to church with me , and then a dinner at the church after the service . So maybe , just maybe , I can have some quiet time Sunday afternoon with just my youngest , who is generally more than content to watch Thomas the Tank Engine movies and play with his trains . I 'm still feeling just totally overwhelmed by this whole thing . I got information from the family today about the funeral arrangements , and then found out that I was given wrong information - really ? Was that necessary ? Maybe it was just a mistake , but somehow I doubt it . I just need to let it roll off of me and let it go , but I really hate evil spiteful petty BS like that . It 's stupid and a waste of energy . Anyway . . . . * sigh * . . . . I need to get to work . Maybe if just clean up a little bit real quick , I can still be in bed before midnight . That 'll give me about 7 hours to sleep - more than I 've gotten in the last 2 days combined . This sucks . I don 't even know what to think right now . I 'm physically , mentally , and emotionally exhausted . Yet with the exhaustion , my mind is still going a billion miles a second . I woke up this morning and had to get the kids up and dressed and fed and ready for school . As I was making pancakes , the strangeness of the situation hit me . My ex - husband just died , and I was making pancakes , like I always do . Regardless of my inner turmoil , I still have to go on living . Life goes on . In between taking the three older kids to school and taking the two younger ones to playschool and then picking them up , and then getting the 5 year old on the bus for preschool , I was trying to clean and keep up with the almost constant phone calls and text messages and facebook posts that kept coming in . Thankfully I was able to talk to a friend who had been through this before - the death of an ex - and she assured me that the emotions are normal . I had no idea that I would hurt this much . I mean seriously , I divorced the guy . I didn 't want to be with him anymore . I wanted him out of my life . But did I want this ? Hell no ! I still always had a tiny glimmer of hope that he would become a good father , and now that glimmer has been permanently extinguished . He is never coming back . I got a call from one of his family members today , and suffice it to say that it wasn 't pleasant . While informing me that she wasn 't here to judge anyone , she made it damned clear that he had been in a severe depression because he wasn 't able to see our son , and that ultimately contributed to his death . Really ? He hasn 't even been gone for 12 hours , and you want to blame me for it ? Whatever lady - go ahead . Blame me if it makes you feel better . And now you want his family to have a " relationship " with my son ? Now that his father is dead ? Hello . . . what happened to the last 2 years , when you didn 't acknowledge his existence ? I got angry and said some things to her that I probably shouldn 't have said , broke down crying , apologized , yelled at her some more and apologized some more . I have way too many emotions going through my head right now for some virtual stranger to inform me that a family that is 1700 miles away wants to have a relationship with my son . I 'll make that decision eventually , but it 's not going to happen today . Or even tomorrow . I wish that I could just put everything that I 'm feeling into words . I have so much going through my head right now and I just can 't seem to make any sense of it . Why did this happen ? How ? How could someone who is 46 years old die of congestive heart failure ? I know that there 's a family history of heart problems , and I know that the alcohol and the smoking contributed to it , but still . . . 46 years old ? I can 't wrap my head around the enormity of this . I just can 't do it . I have about 14 loads of laundry to do , bedrooms to clean , sidewalks to shovel , kids to pick up , supper to make , baths to give . . . . and I can 't even figure out how to do any of it right now . Some of you know , but most of you don 't . I found out yesterday that my ex - husband ( the second one ) was taken to the hospital by ambulance . Through a series of messages today , I found out that his condition had deteriorated quickly - multiple organs were failing and he was on a ventilator . I packed up the kids and we went to our friends ' house to hang out , because I didn 't want to be at home alone when I got the word . At about 7 : 30pm my time I received another message - " He didn 't make it . " I looked at my phone and couldn 't breathe . I handed the phone to my friends so that they could see the message too , and I lost it . Completely and totally lost it . Our marriage was not a fairy tale story by any stretch of the imagination . We met online , we rushed into a relationship and we rushed into a marriage . We both had our demons - his was alcohol - but we tried to work past them . There were numerous times when the police were called to our home because the drinking had gotten out of hand , and he did a stint in rehab , but the lure of the alcohol was always too strong . Kicking him out for the final time was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life , but I had to protect myself and my kids . Since that time , I have had very little contact with him . I have not seen him in over a year and a half , and he has not seen our son in that long either . I told my girls about him being in the hospital first . I knew that I had to tell them - to prepare them - because I wasn 't sure how I was going to react when I found out that he was gone . They were devastated . So they knew as soon as I broke down at our friends ' house what had happened . I waited until we got home to tell my 6 year old . He didn 't fully grasp it , and I didn 't expect him to . I haven 't told my 5 year old yet , and I haven 't told our son . I have gone through a complete rollercoaster of emotions today . I am pissed off at him - I don 't know what the official cause of death was , but I 'm quite sure that alcohol played a part in it . Why couldn 't he just stop drinking ? Why was booze so damned important to him that he gave up his LIFE for it ? I am sad that our son will never know his father . He was not quite 2 years old when he left , and doesn 't even ask about him . He has never asked me why he didn 't have a daddy in his life , and now when he does , I have to tell him that his daddy is dead . I am devastated because even though our marriage wasn 't perfect , I still believed that deep down inside , there was a good man trying to get out . I still had that tiny little glimmer of hope that at some point , he would get the help that he needed and become a father to our son , even if from a distance . Now , any hope is gone . He is gone . I didn 't expect to feel this many emotions . I didn 't expect to have this horrible pain in my chest and the knot in my stomach and the eyes that are almost swollen shut from crying . Our divorce was just final 20 days ago , and I thought that the emotional rollercoaster was over . Sadly , I think I just got back on for another ride . I know that we will get through this . I know that we will be fine . But right now , I am hurting . I think I am hurting more than I ever have before . Not only am I still mourning the end of our marriage , but now I am mourning the death of a man with whom I was once crazy in love . Thanks to my post yesterday , I found out that there was another way to do the phone tethering thing . Turns out that there 's an app that lets you do it for free . . . . . so , needless to say , I am typing this on my computer , and then I do NOT have to email it to my trusty assistant , because I can post it by myself ! Yay me ! I did manage to get the She - Beast fixed today . The roads were horrendous to even get to my friends ' house ( less than a mile away , mind you ) but I got there and the boys went inside to play while I got to work - after I handed over two loaves of still - warm banana bread as " payment " for borrowing their garage and tools . As soon as I got under her , I could see that the pressure hose had come loose from the power steering pump . When I took it off the whole way , I saw that the o - ring had also been damaged . So I borrowed my friend 's car and ran to the auto parts store and got a new o - ring and a quart of power steering fluid . Once I got back , it took about 10 minutes to get it reassembled . It doesn 't * appear * to be leaking , so maybe , just maybe it 'll be ok , for at least a little while , for a grand total of $ 4 . 96 . While this little Adventure in Mechanic ' n was going on , the temperature was in the single digits outside and the wind was howling like Mother Nature had just discovered that not only had someone peed in her Wheaties , but they also dumped them on her head and then poked her in the eye . The wind was unreal , to say the least . Although we had a space heater going in the garage and it was out of the wind , it was still bitter cold . The snow didn 't even melt off of the She - Beast while I was working on her . Once I got home ( ah , to have power steering again ! ) I immediately got into the shower to try to thaw my feet out . The rest of my body was fine ( might have had something to do with the 4 layers of clothes ) but my feet were numb . It took several hours for my toes to get back to their normal size and color but they are feeling much better now , thankyouverymuch . Other than that , my afternoon / evening hasn 't been terribly exciting . I made some more banana bread to give to a friend ( in trade for some very yummy cinnabon buns , I might add ) and started cleaning out the toybox . I do need to finish doing that now that the boys are both asleep . All of the schools are cancelled again tomorrow , so I have to run out to pick up my older three from their dad 's house at some point in the morning so that they can be here for their usual Wednesday - but I 'm guessing that basketball and church will be cancelled and so the usual chaotic Wednesday won 't be quite as bad . Anyway , I 'm just so excited that I can now post these on my own , and so I 'm going to post it . Just because I can . Haha .

Posted on January 12 , 2015 by Ella North And so here we have it ; another year spent single went by . So so many dates have come and gone I can 't even keep track . None of them have stuck . Well , for the long run that is . I 've met a few men that rocked my world for a little while , but nothing lasted . There 's been quite a few fellow bloggers that got engaged or even married , and in real life people are finding their soul mates left and right . Dating has never been easier with apps like Tinder , and yet , after a year of full on dating , I haven 't managed to find someone . As I told someone else earlier this week ; I am the only constant . There were men that were into me , I believe that I could have been settled by now and yet , I refuse anything less than a hundred percent . Maybe by the end of this year I 'll look at it differently , maybe I 'm looking in the wrong places . As for the regular updates ; I went on a second date with the guy I saw the day before New Year 's Eve . When I texted him to ask if he was interested , he jumped on it and wanted to see me the next day . That wasn 't gonna happen , so we settled on Sunday . After a lot of back and forth , I went to his place . I had proposed drinks , but all of a sudden he wanted a day date , wanted to come to my town but after I told him there 's nothing here on a Sunday , he said he had to be back home by nine anyway , and he just wanted to spend an afternoon cocooning . Alright then . I decided to go to his instead , for some reason I did not want him in my house yet . So off I went through the storm . When I got to his place he greeted me with a kiss , made me tea and made small talk . Like last time , he was very calm and quiet . I was a little disappointed , I 'd hoped he 'd be a bit more alive . We hung around on the couch for a bit , made out and he quickly wanted to move things to the bedroom . Literally within twenty minutes of me getting there . While I 'm happy to report the sex was a bit better , he still didn 't last very long . We got naked pretty quickly , and before I 'd even touched him he provided me with an orgasm with his fingers . I could tell he was ready to go but I wasn 't gonna have another super speedy session . But when I went down on him , I literally bobbed up and down twice , maybe thrice before he told me to stop or he would come . I obliged , stalled him a little longer , but then he made an attempt to go for it without condom . That wasn 't happening . He got the message , found one , and did me in missionary until he came , which didn 't take very long and happened in silence . It wasn 't weird , or particularly bad , but I like my men a bit more active , a little less vanilla and to last a bit longer . I don 't know if he takes a long time getting used to someone , or if this is as good as it gets . He went to prepare dinner , and I took a long time dressing . I wasn 't quite sure how I felt . Yes I knew what he 'd wanted , but it was the first time I didn 't really feel good about it . Was this really what I wanted ? When I got myself together he was cooking , and I finished my tea , which was ( mind you ) still warm . Lukewarm , but still . He didn 't say much . I didn 't say much . It wasn 't terribly awkward , it was more a calm , serene thing and he might be the type that doesn 't mind sharing his personal space . It was like we 'd been married for ten years . And so we had dinner , I helped him pick up a lamp for his bedroom , and he wanted to watch a movie , some action flick I wasn 't really interested in , but okay . I wondered if I should leave . I didn 't . I waited until the end . We had a glass of wine , and he still wasn 't very talkative . I 've never had such a weird date . He 's attractive , has his shit together , I 'm sure he 's got plenty stuff to talk about , but whenever we talked , his answers weren 't very elaborate , and not getting anything in return , you kind of give up . I finished my wine and told him I was gonna go . He saw me out with a kiss , and I left pretty abruptly . On my way home I couldn 't help myself but text him I hoped for his travel buddies he was gonna be a bit more talkative , or if he reserved that just for me . He texted back the next day saying sorry , he had been tired , and had had a really good time . Really ? doesn 't take a lot more than sex I guess . He 's gone on a skiing trip now , and I hope he gets over that fatigue of him . Weird shit . On New Year 's eve , I went clubbing with a few girlfriends . Nothing interesting there , but I did receive a few texts from the poker player . During the day where he wanted to say happy new year and we had a little catch up , and then he texted me in the middle of the night , calling me hot stuff and all . Kinda made my night , how pathetic . Also , Couch guy asked to go on a second date . I told him I 'd be busy for a few weeks and would have to let him know . Really don 't know about him , and I 'd say I 've had my fair share of weirdness . I 've got a few more dates lined up this week and so help me God I am telling myself sex is not an option . Though , the fact I closed and started the year sex wise with the same guy , should hopefully be a good omen . Or something . Posted on November 9 , 2014 by Ella North I had two dates this week ! The first one was with a guy whose hair was even redder than mine . Two pale people sitting in a bar … I met him at a super cute cafe . Lately I haven 't been so excited about dates anymore since I always wind up with guys that are nervous and find myself having to work hard to make them feel at ease . I 'm tired of these type of dates . I like my men assertive . It seems like they are equal to fairy dust . Anyway , the redhead was calm and easy to talk to , though he was nervous . He kept touching his face . We had a coffee with apple pie , switched to wine and got along just fine . His job isn 't super interesting , but he 's spent some time abroad as well . He keeps ordering drinks and while I 'm not bored , my mind wanders off to the fact I still have to take a train home and I already know I 'm not super interested in seeing him again , so I kinda want to get home . Once we call it a night , he actually pays the whole tab . That hasn 't happened in a while . Only two days later he sends me his phone number through a Tinder message , and I give him mine . He still hasn 't texted , so I 'd be happy to accept we were just being polite . Then I had a Tinder date last night . I was not excited about that one either , and even considered canceling a few hours before . He had come across a little needy , a few lame jokes … the works . But I went through with it . Happy I did ! He was already at the bar when I arrived , and was better looking than I had been afraid of . His smile was fantastic , very boyish . We did a small pubcrawl , ran into a few colleagues of mine , which was too quick a meeting to be awkward , and when his last train home time was coming up I suggested he stay with me . We went back to my place , had another wine for show and quickly moved to the bedroom . After we hurriedly undressed and he shoved his dick in my mouth it became very clear very quickly that the ' once you go black ' saying was definitely true for this one . The man was huge . I 've never seen a thicker dick . Foreplay was minimal , which I didn 't mind as his skills needed improving , and at that point I just wanted to get fucked . And did he . He was rough , hair pulling , choking and all . Good stuff . After a thirty minute break , he was ready to go at it again . He was going at it so hard I had to tell him twice I needed a minute . Also , because he took a super long time coming , and eventually didn 't . Guess the break wasn 't long enough . After a bad night 's sleep , he was clingy which I only like if I 'm into someone , we had another quickie . After a shower , I kind of ended it quite abruptly . It was clear we didn 't have much else to talk about . He was being super nice and I could tell he cared , but I am just not a happy chirpy person in the morning . If I like someone I want them to stay but if not , I get super awkward . He was a nice guy , and if he calls I 'd go out with him again but if not , I 'd be cool with that too . There 's an ex I have been in touch with sporadically ever since we broke things off . ( You go figure it out ) . It turned out we happened to be partying in the same city last Friday . By the time we found out , he was already on his way home , and I was pretty much done . We however kept in touch since , and conversations got hotter and heavier . By Monday , things reached a climax . We were gonna live out this fantasy we ( mostly he ) had been discussing . I was persuaded to go see him , a good hour and a half away from where I live . What he wanted was this ; a whore . He wanted me on my knees , fuck my mouth until I choked , gag me and fuck me in the ass and spank me until I would be begging for mercy . He sent me pictures of what he 'd do to me . They were explicit . He wanted me to bring toys . There is a lot in there I can go along with , if not everything . But I was missing two things , respect and empathy . Sounds contradictory ? Maybe . In the final hours leading up to this , he made a few things very clear . If I wanted this , I would come to him . He did not want to leave his house . I told him he would have to come pick me up from the train station , and also that I would need a ride in the morning . Initially , he did not want me to stay . He said there would be enough time to catch my last train home at eleven thirty at night . I refused . It was not until I told him I did not want to be thrown out on the street like a hooker and have to sit on a train for two hours in the middle of the night . Mind you , it was a Monday and I had work the next day . It was not until I pointed out any man with a shred of decency would not let a woman travel on a night train by herself for two hours that he succumbed . The other major roadblock was his unwillingness for cunnilingus . Literally . ' I am not going to put my mouth on you ' . I had actually heard this from him before , so was not majorly surprised . He made it clear I was there for his satisfaction and not mine . I had agreed to this , so I could not blame him . After all he said he was being honest about it . ' I don 't care if you get off ' . In the heat of it , I accepted all of it . I knew he was a jerk , so I wasn 't very surprised . But as I had taken my shower and was on my bicycle to the train station , my heart started to sink a little . Did I really want this ? Yes , I was horny for it , very much so , but he had demonstrated very little understanding for what I was about to do . While I waited for the first train , I contemplated turning around and going home . I could just not make up my mind . I wanted it . But did I want it for the right reasons ? I was making a huge trip , really put myself out there , and for what ? The train came , and I got on . I was torn and told myself there was still time to go back . During that twenty minute ride , I waited for a sign . I was going to be fucked in every way imaginable , and would not be able to walk the next day . I would have a sleepless night , and would have to get up very early at that to make it to work in time . I was going to cancel on my yoga buddy . For a fuck . I got to the station , and needed to wait for another fifteen minutes for my connection . I texted him . ' I am halfway and breaking out in cold sweats . Say something please . ' I needed him to say something nice , to reassure me it would be alright . He did neither . He wanted to know what was wrong . I told him I couldn 't decide if I was doing the right thing . He sent me another explicit photo and proceeded to tell me I 'd come halfway , what was the problem ? Didn 't I want this ? Hadn 't we talked about this ? I told him the train had arrived and I had two minutes to get on . He said he wasn 't going to talk me into anything . If I wanted to come , I should , but he was cooking now . The train left . I texted him . ' I can 't do it . ' We went back and forth a bit . He wanted to know what the real issue was . I sent him a long text . I was afraid I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror the next morning . I was going to be a slut , and I didn 't know if I 'd be okay with thattomorrow . That because I was making so much effort to get to him it was too easy for him and too cheap for me . He was putting in zero . I couldn 't justify it in my head . I was doing everything and he was doing nothing . That made a full whore circle in my head . I would have done it to myself . He said he understood , yes he knew he sounded rude and selfish , but that it was part of the fantasy , he had thought we were on the same page . I had thought so too , but all these second thoughts made me realize I was better than that . He would use me and spit me out like he had done a year ago . It didn 't matter to him who fulfilled his fantasies , as long as he had a warm , hot body . It didn 't matter to him how I felt about it , as long as he could do whatever he wanted . There was zero empathy and respect for me . Posted on August 23 , 2014 by Ella North I fell off the blogging train ! It 's taken me forever to write , and I wish I could say I have had a million dates or found Mr . Right in the meantime , but none of that unfortunately . I have been busy , July has seen a heatwave , an airplane fell out of the sky , my sister has moved to another country , and I 've got a work trip to China coming up . ( yay ) Let 's start at the beginning . The Stud . Yup , still in the picture . I even saw him two weekends in a row . Last month , he asked if I wanted to come to a festival in his town . It 's a traveling festival of small theaters that promote their new season by putting on thirty minute shows for cheap . So there 's a bunch of theater tents , food and wine out in the open . It 's awesome . And because he had worked on two of those festivals in other cities ( because he works for a theater ) he got us free entrance , food and shows . Sweet deal . So I went to see him on a hot Friday afternoon , wearing a hippie dress , determined to make up for the non sex last time . So we wandered around and saw a few shows . He asked me what I thought of two , which put me on the spot a little bit since he knows theater and I don 't , but I think I managed . When we went to get dinner the conversation drifted to dating once again and he mentioned how he still didn 't understand how he managed to ' get ' me . I decided to bite the bullet and tell him a little bit about how hard it is for me to talk about feelings , and how I take things as disinterest when I don 't feel someone is engaged . I told him how I hadn 't felt like our first date and that I had been pleasantly surprised afterwards , which made him a bit shy . By the end of the night , we 'd drank three bottles of wine between us , but were not feeling buzzed . We went to see another show , and called it a night at around one in the morning . Back at his house , we had another glass of wine but both of us had trouble getting it down , and we were pretty tired . So , off to bed . We get right to it , and I have to say , while the sex itself is good , it 's kind of the same every time . He fingers me or eats me out , I do the same for him , he gets on top , and then we switch until he comes . Perfectly fine , but I feel like it should be more adventurous , especially considering his background . Then , when he rolls off the condom , he asks if it 's possible I 'm bleeding . No . Fuck . We examine ourselves and the cThe weekend after , when he comes back from a kid 's birthday party at his friends , he asks if I feel like coming over and watch a movie . The weather is shit , and couch potatoe - ing together sounds pretty good . I pick out a movie which turns out the be boring , and we both have troubles making it to the end , so instead we just make out . When we get into bed , he quickly puts me where he wants me and goes down on me like he hasn 't before . It 's awesome , and he 's so into it , I come fairly quickly . It 's made him super hard as well , and I happily suck him off . I guess I 'm one of those few that actually likes giving head , especially when my efforts are being appreciated . When he tells me to stop so he can put on a condom , I ignore him , and just keep going . I don 't want to be dealing with blood this time around . He warns me he 's coming , but I still don 't stop and take it all in . He 's pleasantly surprised with my change of plans , and I just smile . The next morning is lazy , but when he comes out of the bathroom with a hard on , I practically jump on him . I 'm not satisfied yet , and want a proper fuck . He gets the message , starts licking me quite roughly and isn 't afraid to use his teeth . And then before he can get back into his own routine , I maneuver myself on all fours in front of him , and he gets the message . He went to town . It was awesome . And then last week , he texts me saying that he has a cheeky question . How would my company feel about sponsoring his sports team on their way to a world cup in twenty fifteen ? I was so disappointed he asked that . I hate feeling like people use me for that kind of stuff . And it 's worse when friends ask . I have given him stuff before , but from my wanting to . I guess now he felt like it was worth a shot . To me , it meant he hadn 't listened to me at all when I had told him all that during dinner . I took a day , and then turned the situation around . I 'd put him to work and let him work out a business case . I won 't do anything with it . But in return I can now ask him for stuff . Like the use of his city apartment when he 's not there and I want to go partying . Then yesterday , I had a date . It 's through a new website that 's a little pretentious . You have to get invited , and then get accepted by people that judge your photos . But I made it . I got to talk with a cute guy , and chatted with him two nights straight . We then switched to text messaging , and on Thursday he asked if I wanted to go for drinks . I did . I was quite excited to meet him , conversation was super easy , we have a colleague in common , and he seemed to be super relaxed . He did admit he was a bit shy , which made me a little anxious of having to lead the date ( hate that ) but he wasn 't at all . As soon as we met we hit it off , and pretty much talked until I had to get back on the train . He took me to two real nice places , and then dropped me off at the train station . This morning he texted me his ice bucket challenge . I would definitely go on a second date with him , though I didn 't think there were any sparks or anything . And tonight I am supposed to have a Tinder sexdate . Yay ! He should be here in a couple hours , though I half expect him to cancel still , or to not go through with it on the spot . He has a big mouth , but he comes off a bit immature and needy . He fires random questions at me ( are you spiritual ? ) and admits he 's a little nervous , though he 'd been bragging about going home with every single date he 's been on . And he was a pain in trying to set this up . He wanted me to come to his place , which is fine , but then went into a lengthy discussion about where we should go because he doesn 't live downtown . Maybe we could meet at the train station so that we could see if it was gonna work . Hell no . I am not coming to be looked at and then then turned down within 5 minutes and then having to go back . I told him he was a pain , and I think he realized he might not get laid this weekend , because now he 's coming to my town . We 'll have a drink and see how it goes . I am giving him the benefit of the doubt because he 's so hot , and I hope my gut feeling is wrong on this one ! Posted on June 15 , 2014 by Ella North Leading up to my supposed date with the Stud last night , he had been a little standoffish when trying to nail down a time . On Friday , I asked him what the plan would be . He said it was up to me . I asked if he still wanted to come to my town . He said it didn 't matter to him . I asked if he wanted to do dinner , drinks , or both . He said he was a little tight in finances . I told him not to worry , and he said ' okido . ' No one ever says that word . Something felt off , and I was getting a little anxious . Then last night by seven , I had still not heard from him . I was frustrated , and even more when he said he wouldn 't get here before nine when I texted him . I felt like I was being squeezed in . I ended up having to rush getting dressed and all , but was pretty happy with the result . I went to pick him up from the train station , and he was perfectly happy and good looking as usual . We quickly made our way to a bar and talked as if we hadn 't seen each other in years . My strategy for the night was to not remind him of any trains going home . I was just going to let time pass , not say anything and if he 'd missed his train , oh how unfortunate . He told me he had come from his family who had grilled him when he 'd told them he was coming here . What 's there ? Well , Ella . Who 's Ella ? Are you staying the night ? I guess I am taking it as a positive thing his family knows about me now , though I don 't know what he 's told them . We once again touched the subject of dating when he said that after his weekend of sailing two weeks ago , he had visited the one other girl he was still in touch with besides me . She lives on the other side of the country and since he had to be there , he took the opportunity to go see her , and also mentioned he spent the night . My mind raced a little at this point . The odds of course say that he slept with her . I didn 't know how I felt about that . Well , I did . Why her , and not me ? I had looked her up before . He 'd mentioned her name a few times , and she 's on his Facebook list . She is the polar opposite of me . Black hair , tan skin , perfect make - up , and curvy . I didn 't ask him what he wanted from her or me . I wasn 't sure if I wanted to hear the answer . By the time he pulled out his phone to look at the time , it was one o ' clock , and quite a few more drinks later . He said he didn 't know if he was going to get home . I told him to stay with me , to which I got a yay . Must have been his plan already . We had a last drink , and headed home . He was a little more touchy - feely than I know him to be ( or maybe , once again I am reading too much into this ) but since he had mentioned his other friend and I was all too aware of his resistance to casual sex and commitment , did not think anything of it . Just in case I got the signals wrong , I didn 't want to embarrass myself or him either . Back at mine we have a last drink before we head to the bedroom . He used my toothbrush , saying his mouth has been at weirder places on me with a grin , and we unceremoniously get changed for bed . He had mentioned his sore back a few times , and I 'd seen him wiggle around during the night . I offer to massage and try to loosen him up a bit , and he happily accepts . I stop before he falls asleep , and lie back down . We talk for a bit , with him stroking my arm , and then he mentions that it 's been a while since we 've shared a bed . Yes , two and a half months to be exact . At this point , call me oblivious , I am still think we 're being perfectly platonic . He doesn 't want me like that after all . While I had hoped he 'd come back home with me , I had not thought sex was in the cards , I would have been perfectly satisfied to have just spent more time with him . But when I switch off the bedside light , he doesn 't hesitate . We make out for a long time while our hands just roam around as if it were all new . Because of his back I end up doing most of the heavy lifting , but he manages to make me come twice with his fingers . I suck him until he 's hard , scramble around for a condom and get to work . We closed my windows because of the neighbors and my squeaky bed , and it 's warm in the room . We 're both sweating , and the sheets are clammy . I love it . Means the sex is dirty . He doesn 't come though , and even after we switch around , he admits that it 's not happening . Oh well . Beers , pressure , busy day , who knows . He wraps his arms and legs around me , and we both fall asleep pretty quickly . It 's four thirty . I wake up a few times , gently shove him once to make him stop snoring , and we both lazily whisper good mornings by nine o ' clock . We drift in and out of sleep for the next hour , and I wake up again when his fingers draw up and down my back . After a while , he moves on top of me , and we lazily make out . I love being squished . Eventually he sucks and bites his way down , and spends a glorious amount of time eating me out . After I come he doesn 't stop , and my legs are shaky when a second orgasm hits . We switch , and I do the same for him . He plays with my hair while he moans and groans , and I can 't help but smile a little . It turns me on . He doesn 't warn me when he comes , but I can feel it , and take it all . I find out he doesn 't care about tasting himself , and we happily kiss and hug while coming down from the high . We get up at around eleven thirty , take turns in the shower , and have breakfast . It 's comfortable . I take him to the train station to go home an hour later , and we say our goodbyes . That was definitely more than I bargained for , in the best way possible . As corny as it sounds , it was perfect . Everything worked , and it was one of those nights where there 's just a connection and you want human contact . When he 's gone , I go through my usual hour or two of feeling conflicted and sad , and call my friend . We did not talk about the current situation . I do not think this night changed anything for him . It was a natural progression and we both wanted it . It just worked out that way . I don 't know if he likes me that way . Yes , he likes me as a person and thinks I 'm hot , but I don 't think he has changed his mind about his situation . It confuses me at some point . He tells me one thing but his actions say another . If casual sex makes him unhappy , as he has mentioned , then why did he do this ? Where does this other woman stand ? I think one of the reasons he has stayed in touch with me ( apart from regular liking me ) is the fact I have not been nagging him about the whole thing . I 'm not sure if we should even talk about last night . I shouldn 't even been thinking about it so much , because I should be clear on the situation . But well , I 'm a girl . Though I do think , should this happen again , maybe it is time for the both of us to re - evaluate . I will see him again , he 's said so , so we 'll have to see how that goes . I know I cannot do this forever . I can do the casual sex thing if I am not into someone , but I am into him , and he must know that somewhere inside . Posted on March 16 , 2014 by Ella North On Wednesday night , a couple days after my second date with the bisexual man ( who I will now call Stud as it sounds much better ) he sent me a text late at night asking if he could call me . Sure , I replied , wondering what he could possibly want to talk about . He calls , and says he wants to hear a familiar voice . He is at his father 's house , trying to clean it out . His dad has Alzheimers , and he took the ungrateful job of sorting through his things to see what 's staying and what 's going . He feels alone and a bit sad , understandable . We talk for a while until he feels better , he goes to take a bath , I go back to bed . I did wonder if he had no one else to talk to , seeing as we 'd only been on two dates , but at the same time I consider it a good sign . We exchange only a few texts during the week ( he 's not much of a texter ) and when on Saturday evening I ask him if he 's gone home or still at his dad 's house , he says he 's still there , and I am more than welcome to come . He throws in a bath , and a ride to my workshop in his city in the morning . Even though it 's an hour away , I accept after making sure he 's not joking . He warns me it 'll be like camping , but hey , nothing I don 't know . So I jump on a train , tell him I 'll be there at 9 , and he comes to pick me up from the train station . At his dad 's house , he gives me a tour and I start to understand what he 's doing . There 's boxes and boxes of stuff everywhere . Countless binders with paperwork . I wonder if it 's uncomfortable that I 'm at his father 's house , but he 's not , so I let it go . He gets drinks , we talk as usual , and somehow ending up playing monopoly on the floor in between the boxes . He 's very touchy - feely this time . I make an idiot of myself by constantly forgetting the rules , and hope he doesn 't think I 'm stupid . We play for about an hour , and then call it quits to take a bath . He very cutely pours quarter of a bottle of oil in , lights candles , and we jump in . Neither of us have a bath at home , so we take full advantage and hang out until the water gets cold . Thank God there 's a bed , and we quickly put a sheet on it , and zip two sleeping bags together . Unlike last time , we get right down to business , though we take it a lot slower . The bath made us lazy ! We make out for a while , until I climb on top of him . I suck on his balls and dick and listen to him moan . And then he pulls me up by my hair , kisses me hard , and holds me down . Yay . He bites his way down , and I enjoy looking at him in between my legs , and his shoulders working . He spends good time eating me out , but does it very slowly . I give into it and after a while come quietly , very civilized , yet he knows . I take his dick in my hands , and work it until I decide it 's time to fuck . I sit myself down on him , and manage to find a perfect angle . We go at it fast and hard , I make myself come another time , and he quickly comes with his signature three hard thrusts and moans . There 's just something I love about watching and hearing men come , and he 's very satisfactory . After a quick clean up , we get back into bed . I tell him he 's hot , and find out he 's bad at taking compliments . We have another lazy make out session , and then decide to go to sleep . The alarm will go off in a few hours , he has to go rowing , and I have 3 hours of yoga to do the next day . I 'm happy he doesn 't snore as bad as last time , and manage to actually get a good night sleep . When we wake up , I 'm ready to go at it again , but we don 't have any more condoms , and he 's worried of being late . So he gets up to do some last cleaning and get his stuff together , and I take a shower . It 's a quiet morning , but not of the awkward kind . After an hour we close the door and drive back to his city . We get there a lot faster than planned . He parks the car , and we load up his bike with our bags . He rides home with me on the back , and even have time for a cup of coffee at his place . Since he has to be in the boat at 11 : 30 and my workshop doesn 't start until one , he tells me to stay behind if I want . I can hang out and just close the door behind me ? Awesome . I even feel a little flattered . He leaves after a kiss , and I look around . Where to snoop first ? No , joking . I didn 't . I did open up his medicine cabinet to see what was there ( nothing interesting ) went to see what was on the floor beside his bed ( a book and condoms ) and had a good look at his bookcase . We actually read a lot of the same stuff . His passport was also sitting there , and I did look at that . I found out that when the passport was issued , 3 years ago , he was still married . I already knew that . He 's been married to a man for 6 years , and they were together for 13 years . Intimidating . They split up 2 years ago , very amicably , and their divorce isn 't even final yet . Neither of them want to screw the other over , and apparently , that takes time . Oh well . It 's not a shock , and I 'm not bothered . I sit around for a while , have another drink , and then leave for class . I send him a text to say thanks for using his apartment . After class , late in the afternoon I have a text from him asking how it was , and we go back and forth for a bit . He says he 's gonna go our for a walk since the sun is out . I say I am going for a green shot with two classmates and will wave if I see him walk down the street . I don 't think much of it , but sure enough , half an hour later , there he is . In jeans , shirt and sunglasses . Looking very hot . We spot each other at the same time and I am immediately a little on edge . I 'm still sweaty , I 'm pretty sure my make up is smudged , and my hair is in a frizzy ponytail . We say hello with a kiss , he says hi to my two friends , tries my green shot , talks some more , and then leaves with another kiss to go get ice cream . My two male friends stare me down . Who was he ? I tell them we 've been on a few dates and that 's it . They agree that he is smoking . On the train home , he texts , so hopefully that means he 's not put off by my not so charming post - yoga look . I feel really comfortable around him , but yet I am unsure of what to do all the time . I have the feeling he 's not necessarily looking for something serious . Which is fine , but I need to tell myself to not expect anything or be too forward about meeting up . I also think he is not into me romantically , but does not like being alone at this point in his life and is comfortable with me . We get along really well , are both super comfortable , and the sex is good . I also know that he is insecure , and might struggle with the same thoughts I struggle with . Tricky thing is that I go on holiday for almost a month in two weeks , and I am nervous he will meet someone else . I 'm pretty sure he still goes on dates , which I am fine with , but I don 't want him to meet anyone he 'll be more into that me . Fair chance though , 3 , 5 weeks is a long time , he won 't wait for me , so hopefully he 'll still be there when I come back . So I have two weeks before I leave , of which 3 trips to Germany , and my period is due on my last weekend home next weekend . Awesome . I gotta figure that one out . Posted on November 28 , 2013 by Ella North So remember when the Ginger cancelled our third date right before he went on tour ? Well , last Sunday he came home . We had a date set for Monday . But before that , on Sunday , I had a little bit of a freak out . When he was on the train going home from the airport , we were texting back and forth , and he mentioned how he just wanted to relax on his couch with a movie . And then somehow the conversation progressed into having me come over for a blowjob , because what 's better than a movie and a BJ ? Stupidly enough , I played along for a bit , but the more and more he kept going , the more I felt backed up into a corner . Yes , I wanted to see him , but I was fully aware that I would give off a signal of being easy and available as a friend with benefits if I were to go . Normally , I would have taken the easy option , avoid talking about it , and just do it . In this case I could do just that , I could not reply to his messages anymore , which would be weird , or I could tell him how I felt , which I never do . I opted for the last option after having a mild panic attack . I didn 't want to come across as needy , but I liked him too much to ruin everything by going there . I told him exactly how I felt ; backed up into a corner . He immediately picked up the phone and said that was the last thing he wanted . It started as a joke , and I would stay home and we 'd see each other tomorrow and have a fun date . Pfew . I figured if he ended up canceling the next day after all ; he 'd be a jackass and I 'd know what he was after . He didn 't cancel . He ended up having to cover for a friend for a teaching job , and so he came to my place late in the afternoon . We were supposed to go out and do something as both previous dates , we basically ended up at home . But it turned out he was too tired from traveling and all . We went for about an hour because he wanted to see my town , and then went back home . We talked for a bit , watched some TV and then jumped each other . I have to say I did most of the work . He definitely wanted that blowjob . He 's quite responsive and appreciative , and I enjoyed it alright . He made me stop before he came , took me to the bedroom , and flipped me on all fours . Afterwards we showered , talked about random stuff , I cooked dinner , he helped out , and it was perfectly comfortable . We watched a movie and went to bed . In the dark , we talked for a long time while he held me . Or rather ; he talked and I listened . Eventually , we fell asleep . In the morning we had breakfast and he left just before noon to do his laundry before flying out the next day again . We were supposed to go out but had yet another house date . I feel like we should be doing exciting stuff to get to know each other . He doesn 't ask a lot of questions . He listens when I talk , but he doesn 't enquire much . I didn 't come . He texted to say he had a good time but appears to be a whole lot slower replying than before . It was too comfortable , easily perceived as boring . I don 't fit in his arms . We didn 't talk about anything important . At all . So , all in all , I feel like I 'm in the dark . Will I see him when he gets back ? I hope so and I will definitely ask him to . But I wish I 'd have felt more confident after date # 3 , and I don 't .

After my uncle 's death I went through a lot of ups and downs . My aunt and uncle became my mom and dad . They worked with me through my adolescence , helped me as a young adult with a drug addiction and alcoholism and have been my forever family . I am everything I am today because they love me . I know I skipped over the entire dark period of my own battle with alcoholism , it 's part of my story , but not the most important part . The most important part is that I recovered . I survived , and there was a happy ending for me . God is good . Today I have two beautiful children and a wonderful husband and a mom who has been there for me since the day she adopted me . She stepped in to fill the shoes my biological mother couldn 't . I am so blessed . My past does not define me . I am like the Phoenix , who emerged from the ashes . There may be more fires in my future , but I know I 'll survive those too . Less than a year after I moved to Atlanta , Uncle Steve got sick . He didn 't go to the doctor , and because he was in a wheelchair , he couldn 't cough effectively enough and ended up with pneumonia . He was hospitalized and put on a ventilator . My Uncle Wally went to be with him and I wrote a letter telling him I loved him and how I would be coming to visit him soon . I told him I was doing good and was glad I moved to Atlanta . I told him I had recently had pneumonia too and hoped he started to fell better soon . My Uncle Wally called to tell me that he read him the letter and Uncle Steve had tears in his eyes . I knew he loved me . He was the only person that had consistently shown me love as a child . The only person I had that was still here . I had my Uncle Wally , but Uncle Wally didn 't know about the Boxcar Children , or Bird Bird . He didn 't eat flies and he never watched me tap dance . The idea of him dying was not even a possibility in my mind . Three days later , he was gone . He knew when Uncle Wally read him the letter that he was going to die . He made the decision for them to take him off the ventilator . It has taken me a long long time to stop being angry at him for that decision . For years I kept dwelling on the fact that he could have gotten better if he had just waited and let the doctors care for him . I cried when I first found out , but the heart ache of this loss is not something I felt right away . The hurt came later . It came on slow and built up the way a fire does . Years passed before I realized my loss had turned into an inferno . I used drugs to ease the burn . Still this fire is not out . It 's smoldering and I 'm not sure if it will ever be distinguished . I miss him . I will always miss him . When I arrived in Atlanta I did so with a bitter heart . I was angry at my Uncle Steve for sending me away and I hated the idea of living around a bunch of Americanos . After living on the reservation for so long I had come to believe that most white people were lame and stuck up . I wanted to be with my people , who were wild and free and . . . . . OK with me being drunk most of the day . What I knew about the south was only what I had seen by watching Anne of Green Gables . I was picturing men in overalls and ladies with hats serving ice tea expecting me to say things like , " yes , mam I 've been doing lovely today ! " What a nightmare ! The landscape was vastly different from California or the beautiful deserts of New Mexico . I had moved to a rain forest ! Every direction I looked there were trees , and what looked like branches of ivy growing over everything . My aunt and uncle lived in a cookie cutter neighborhood where every third house was the same . Their house was a small , narrow two story . I would share a bedroom ( and bed ) with my little 12 year old cousin . As time went by I got use to things just like I had every other place I had lived . By the time I was 16 , I had been a little girl who loved her mother , a child who missed her father , a crack baby , a good kid , a sex abuse survivor , a treasure hunter , a candy thief , the kid who gets picked on in school , a hamster murderer , a police informer , a snake wrangler , a brave kid , an unloved child , a resident of a battered women 's shelter , a Mormon , an entrepreneur , a pool shark , nothing , a trash collector , a mooch , a spoiled little girl , a skier , a manipulator , a tap dancer , and an Indian . I had moved 38 times that I can remember . This time I didn 't change who I was to fit in though . I had drugs now , and I could be comfortable just being me . . . . as long as I could be me high . I loved being high . It took away everything that was bad . It blocked out the past and only left me with the present , it took away my insecurities and only left me feeling silly and happy . I used weed to numb my feelings so I could cope with my world and get through the day . I still went to school , I still did my homework and I got straight A 's . I liked to party , but I mostly used drugs to self medicate . I understood that I still had to take care of myself , no matter that I had been taken in and adopted by my uncle and aunt . I got a job at 16 . I worked at a daycare and supervised the after - school program . Everyday after I got out of school I took the bus home and walked to work . I made $ 6 . 00 an hour . Things were looking up for me . The drugs enabled me to live comfortably in my own skin . I had a family who showed me lots of love , was doing well in school and had a job . The drugs were helping me , I thought . . . what could be bad about drugs ? Somewhere in the back of my head I thought of my mother and how the drugs had taken over her life . . . . . but that wouldn 't happen to me . I would make sure of that . My Uncle Wally came and packed up my stuff and told me I was going with him to Atlanta , GA . I didn 't want to go . I begged my Uncle Steve not to make me go . I had only met my Uncle Wally a few times and had no idea what would be waiting for me in Georgia . I was afraid to leave the only person that I knew loved me . I had no choice in the matter , I had no where else to go . " Start putting your stuff in the car , we leave in 15 minutes . " It was too sudden , I wasn 't prepared for this ! For the last few years I was the one that had decided what would happen to me and where I would go . This control was what held me together . The responsibility for my own well being is what I knew . The helplessness I felt was enormous . I put my things in the trunk and as I was walking back in the door I overheard my Uncle Steve say , " She is ruining her life . . . going to end up just like her mother . She 's out all night partying . You have to get her out of here . " When I walked in they stopped talking and my Uncle Wally told me to say goodbye . Uncle Steve had tears in his eyes and his mouth in a tight grim expression . I ran to his chair and sat down in front of his legs . " Please don 't send me away , I 'll do better , " I cried . He just shook his head and told me that he didn 't know what to do . I gave him a stiff hug and walked out the door angry at him . I thought him sending me away meant that he didn 't love me , but it was because of how much he loved me that he sent me away . I wish I would have know that then . I wish I would have hugged him one more time , kissed him and told him thank you . I wish I would have told him how much I loved him . Uncle Steve was the only family I had ever known all my life and leaving him that day felt like someone was taking the only love I had ever been given away . Less than a year later , his love really was taken from me forever . That was the last time I ever saw him alive . Uncle Steve saved my life . If it wasn 't for him , my uncle Wally would have never came for me . I would have never made anything of my life . I would have never left there . I would have been a high school drop out , pregnant at 17 and living off a government check for the rest of my life . I might not have made it to 17 . I might have died while drunk driving and killed others too . Living on a reservation makes you blinded to things the world has to offer . The government assistance Native Americans receive makes it easy to lose all ambition for bettering yourself . With minds clouded with alcohol , each day is lived only for the present , because they can see nothing else . This isn 't true for everyone , but it is for the majority . It took me 7 years to realize I wanted more out of life , but I would have never realized it if I were still on the reservation and he knew that . He changed my life . He gave me a real family . Thank you Uncle Steve . I love you . At 15 , I spent my waking hours chasing one high after another . I wasn 't able to adjust as easily to being in a family , as I was in the other dysfunctional situations I lived through . I think a part of me knew that my life of " just trying to survive " was over . . . . and I just didn 't care anymore . My resentments towards my aunt escalated and I did what in the past proved to solve my problems . . . I ran away again . Uncle Steve had gotten a small place of his own in a little Hispanic town right outside of the reservation and had set up to have a nurse come daily to help him with his disabilities . I spent a lot of time at his place because I was allowed to smoke pot there . Uncle Steve had always smoked weed and didn 't bat an eye when I came over stoned out of my mind looking for munchies in his bare kitchen . He was no hypocrite . There was an initial awkwardness the first time we lit up together . . . I think both of us were remembering when I use to read The Box Car Children books to him when I was little . I was 15 now though , and Uncle Steve understood that I had grown up a long time ago . We were close . His little 600 square foot duplex apartment held pictures of me in every room . In his bedroom there was a large shadowed profile of me that was made when I was in kindergarten . I ran away from the reservation and moved in with Uncle Steve . His little apartment only had one bedroom , but there was a very large ( 8 ' x10 ' ) storage room . It had two high little windows and we managed to squeeze a little twin bed in there . My uncle did the best he could . He told me that if I lived with him I had to go to school and graduate . So every morning I continued to get on the school bus , and continued to ditch school . . . only sometimes I wouldn 't come home at night . I would party all night long , and have to wait for the following day to get back on the bus to get home again . Uncle Steve would be furious . . . but I could usually butter him up to forgive me by having a friend come over to smoke him up . One night , not wanting to have to get into it with my uncle again , I snuck out of the tiny little window in my room . I had to climb up the head board to reach it and it was a tight fit getting out . Once out , I took off with some friends to a party in the city . At the party I met an older guy who was from the same reservation as me , who I had heard of in passing , but never actually met . He spent the night watching out for me and giving me drink after drink and lighting me up . I loved the attention . I loved being " cared " for . When he asked if I would go to the bathroom with him . . . . I went . I knew what he wanted to do in the bathroom . While we were in there , some woman came banging on the door screaming at us to get out . She called me whore and kicked me out of her house . The guy let me leave alone . I sat on the stairs out side with no way home and no where to go and cried . That was how I lost my virginity . When I finally made my way back to Uncle Steve 's in the early morning hours , I couldn 't get back in the high windows . I sat outside and waited for morning and cried some more . I later found out that the guy in the bathroom was my second cousin . " Could anything in my life be more screwed up ? " After the nurse came to get my uncle up , he told me my Uncle Wally , his brother , was coming from Georgia and would be here later tonight . Uncle Wally was the uncle that worked for the airlines , he was the one who set me up on the plane each time I ran away from California . He would be coming to rescue me again , only this time it was from myself . I waited for him excitedly , not knowing the life changing decisions that had been made for me behind my back . I returned to the reservation feeling free . I was safe and sound physically . Mentally I needed help . I dove head first into a new world of self medicating . I spent my life till then trying to adjust myself to fit in whatever situation I was in , but never really feeling like I fit in . I knew I wasn 't normal . I knew my life wasn 't normal . The drugs provided an escape . There is no such thing as normal when you are high and I found this to be irresistible . When I was stoned , I was just stoned . I wasn 't the girl who was abandoned by her mother , or the girl who was molested , or the girl who watched her mother get raped . The weight of hiding my memories disappeared , because I was empty inside and there was no place to keep them . I partied with my cousins and fought with my aunt and uncle . My aunt and uncle treated me just like their own children , and I behaved no differently . I snuck out like my cousins , lied , stole and received my share of punishments along with them . My aunt used a long wooden rod to deliver punishment . She use to line us up if we were caught together and dish out the blows one person at a time . It was always worse if you were the last to get hit . The waiting and anticipation was torture ! Native Americans like to punish their children , we even have a specific holiday every year for it . It 's called River Man Day in English . May 3rd all the children in each household will go outside in front of their house and dance and throw blessed corn meal while we wait for the River Men . The River Men are covered in mud , dressed in rags and have a hood covering their head . The only part of their face that is visible is their mouth and it 's full of sharp jagged teeth ! When the River Men come , they ask your parents if you have been good . Your parents ALWAYS say that you have not been . Then you are picked up in one swift motion and hauled away while you scream your head off . You are taken to the river , where you are told you will be thrown in and drowned . Eventually other relatives chase after you and rescue you . The entire thing is a ruse to scare you into behaving in the future . It 's quite frightening . The more time I spent high , the less time I spent in class . I use to get high before I got on the school bus in the morning . Once I got to school , I would ditch with my friends and drink and smoke all day . I would sober up enough to get back on the bus to go home . Once home , I would spend the rest of the afternoon hiding in my room so no one would know I was drunk . At night , me and my cousin would take turns jumping out the window and getting stoned on the side of the house while the other was the lookout . When I did go to class , I found the work to be easy and it bored me . I use to be a straight " A " student and I was in honor classes . My new school offered free birth control in the nurse 's office , day care for the girls who forgot to take their pills , and a " 3 Strikes " policy when it came to getting caught with dope . . . but no honor classes . My teacher 's didn 't challenge me so I didn 't see the point in going to class . I actually had one teacher who use to get high with me . I went to his class all the time . He was the automotive teacher . We use to smoke near the exhaust vent so it would suck the smoke out of the room . It was very convenient . My new family was loving and I was never abused , but there was dysfunction . My uncle got drunk every night . My aunt and uncle would fight about it . My uncle would sober up and then a couple weeks later my aunt would come home high and drunk herself . Then the cycle would start again . I started to grow a resentment towards my aunt because of all the punishments she dueled out . What a hypocrite , I thought . How could she punish us for doing the exact same thing she was doing ? I had spent so much time being an adult , that I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut in situations where children should not speak . I felt like my aunt 's equal and it was hard for me to respect her . It was a battle I fought internally , constantly having to bite my tongue . It was tiring . Self medicating not only helped me to forget my past , but it also took me out of the present . The entire car ride back to California I was silent . I would not allow my mother to put one finger on me . I pressed myself as far as I could into the door and stared out the window . The endless dessert flew by in a smear of brown and white . I imagined opening the door , falling out of the speeding car and becoming a smear of my own . I imagined it would probably be a red smear . I wouldn 't even look at Bill . I saw him looking at me in the rear view mirror and I wanted to reach over the seat and smash his head into the windshield . That would have made a red smear too . When we finally arrived at Bill 's house , I went to my room to find it exactly how I had left it . Destroyed . I sat on the bed and cried . In the living room I could hear my mother and Bill arguing . Then my mother opened the door to the room and said , " OK , come and give me a kiss . . . I 'm taking off . " I couldn 't believe her . . . Why had she come and taken me back to him ? ! Did he pay her ? Why is she leaving ? ! Why did she do this ? ! I was so afraid to be left with Bill , but I would NOT kiss her or beg her to stay . My heart had nothing but hate in it . I turned my back away from her , " get the fuck away from me . " I had never sworn at my mother before and it was liberating . At that moment we crossed a line and she became someone other than my mother . She was no one to me . When she left I mourned her like she had died . I knew I would never look at her as a mother again . Bill wisely left me alone . The next morning I woke up and got ready for school . When I walked out into the living room Bill was waiting to drive me . " I don 't want a ride from you . I don 't want anything from you . " I said it with as much disgust as I could . I almost spat the words out . Then I walked to the bus stop . The only light I could find in my dark situation was that I would see Crystal again . We had not spoken on the phone once since I left and I knew it was because she was mad at me . I had left her . She needed me as much as I needed her . . . and I left . She didn 't understand everything I was dealing with at Bills and I couldn 't explain it to her . I knew deep down she understood me leaving was the best thing for me , but that didn 't stop her from hurting . When I got to school I found that Bill already had my mother enroll me and I had all the same classes I did 4 months ago . I walked from my first class to the central plaza and Crystal saw me from across the entire courtyard . We made eye contact and just like in the movies , we ran to each other . We both were crying when we hugged and relief flooded through me . No one knew what my life was like with my mother , except for her . As long as Crystal was in my life I felt like I would never really be alone . Part of me was worried that when I left I would lose her , but me leaving didn 't change our friendship at all . It doesn 't matter how much time passes between real friends , when it matters , they are there . Crystal taught this to me when I was 14 years old . I spent everyday for the next three weeks staying over at Crystal 's as much as I could , taking the bus to school and completely ignoring Bill . I wedged my door shut with a chair at night and stayed as far away from him as possible . If I couldn 't ignore him I would speak to him with out looking at him . If I had to look at him I made sure he could see the hate in my eyes . I drank all the liquor in the house and refilled the empty bottles with water . When the liquor ran out I decided to try smoking dope . My cousins all seemed to really like it and I needed something to help me escape . Bill smoked occasionally and kept a stash hidden in the drawer of his room . The pot wasn 't as numbing as the alcohol , but it had other perks . I didn 't get sick or lose control like I did with alcohol . I couldn 't drink during the day because I would get caught , but smoking pot gave me a temporary high that was easy to hide . It was such a comfort to know I didn 't have to go through life so aware of everything anymore . . . and it also gave me the giggles . My mother was a drug whore who basically pimped me out to a child molester for who knows what in return . . . . and I could laugh about it . I liked pot . I had talked to my uncle on the phone several times since I 'd been back and a plan was made . I needed about a day and half window to escape . I needed 4 hours to get to the airport and on a plane . I needed another 6 hours to land and get on the reservation . Once I was there I would be safe . By the time Bill found out I left it would be too late . The first time Bill went to go on another one of his gambling trips I made my move . Crystal 's mom drove me to the airport . I boarded a plane and left California for a second time . . . just like my Uncle Dave had promised . Posted by I had a horrible childhood and lived through some dark days as a young adult . I am who I am because of my sufferings . I am adaptable , I learned to survive , I am strong . Looking back on my past has taught me a lot about myself . . . and what kind of person God has molded me into . These posts tell the story of my life . They are all in order of the evens in which they took place . Starting with Early Childhood Memories ( Ch . 1 ) under the April Archives and continuing everyday as I add to it and remember . The song Amazing Grace should be the theme song to my life . " I once was lost , but now am found . " . . . story of my life . I com . . . " A complete stranger has the capacity to alter the life of another irrevocably . This domino effect has the capacity to change the course of an entire world . That is what life is ; a chain reaction of individuals colliding with others and influencing their lives without realizing it . "

In the car on the way home today , we were quizzing Dylan on the days of the week . He was doing really well , except , no matter how many times we told him , he couldn 't remember what day came after Monday . After about five minutes , Shianne started correcting him in this funny voice that had Dylan and I cracking up ( Shianne doesn 't see what 's so funny about it ) . So I got her to do it again at home and took a video . You 'll have to turn the sound up to really hear her . ( You 'll have to scroll all the way to the bottom to turn of the music so you can hear the video ) Last night , the kids had open house at school . Before it 's always just been going to their classrooms and looking at all of their work . But this year they changed the format to performances . Both are kids time slots overlapped but they weren 't in the same place , so things were a little crazy . Thankfully , Shianne 's performance was one she repeated multiple times for thirty minutes so we were able to see both . The fifth graders did a " Night At The Museum " theme . Each child had to pick a famous person several weeks ago , research them , and write a script describing themselves . Then , last night , they dressed as their character . They were all scattered throughout the school around ten feet apart . By each child was a desk where they had a picture and namecard of their famous person and a money jar . Every time someone put money in the jar , they came to life and repeated their script from memory . All the money went to a charity . Shianne chose to be Anna Pavlova , a famous Russian ballerina . She did an awesome job . It 's a little hard to hear her in the video with all the other people around . Michaels is having a contest for handmade crafts . I entered my advent calendar and would love it if you would go vote for me . Actually , you rate it rather than vote . The rating symbols ( they 're not stars , I can 't remember what they are ) are under the picture . Here 's the link : http : / / www . michaelscontest . com / uploads / 2025 I have been wanting to get one of those nice advent calendars that you can put little things in . When I was little and we lived in Germany , we always had the ones that had a piece of chocolate every day . Until recently , I couldn 't ever find any of those here . The last two years we did have the chocolate ones , but this year I wanted to do something more meaningful . I wasn 't having much luck finding one I liked . I did find two , but one had doors that would have fallen open too easily and the other was almost $ 40 , way more than I wanted to spend . But , about a week ago , I saw an idea on someone 's blog for using 2 inch mint tins from Wilton ( I got them at Michaels in the wedding section ) . They had used velcro to mount them on canvas , but I used magnets and put them on a cookie sheet ( which I spray painted ) . I think it turned out really cute . Inside are little ornaments , including a nativity set , to go on one of those miniature trees . The day before Halloween we went to " Haunt the Zoo " . We had never been before , but we had a great time ( other thant the super long line in the beginning ) . All the treat stops are sponsored by businesses and most give out really good stuff . The kids got two snack size chip bags and and 8 oz Dr . Pepper along with the old standbys like m $ m 's . At all the treat stops , and several places in between , there were scenes that the kids could pose by . Dylan was Obe - Wan - Kanobe and Shianne , who was originally going to be a princess , decided to change to match Dylan and be Queen Amadala ( which was fine with me because it didn 't require a change of costume ) . For Halloween night , we went to my parents neighboorhood , which we always do because hardly anyone in our neighboorhood passes out candy . William ( our puppy ) went with us . I think he was more excited about trick - or - treating than the kids . He would run up to all the houses . We usually tried to keep him back a ways so he wouldn 't upset other people 's dogs and he would whine that he couldn 't go all the way to the door with the kids . Those of you who know me well , know that I am the queen of unfinished projects . For instance , 14 years ago I started a cross - stitch wedding sampler for Frank and I . It 's still not done ( though it 's getting really close ) . The sad thing , I can think of two unfinished projects I have that are older than that . I couldn 't even tell you how many unfinished projects I have . But , in the last week , I have completed 5 of them . Two weeks ago , I started this sweater for Shianne and finished it a week ago . It is crochet and it was a super easy pattern . I thought it turned out so cute that I 'm working on altering the pattern to make myself one . We have lived in our house for ten years and the only room that has ever had curtains in all that time , has been Shianne 's room ( and those were only up for a year or two ) . I 've wanted to put curtains in the living room , but cost and not knowing what I wanted have kept me from doing it . About six months ago , I found some really cute curtain rods on clearance really cheap and bought them . Then , this summer , I found this fabric really cheap and bought enough to do curtains , but didn 't sit down to make them until this week . I really like how they turned out . Last year during Fall Break , mom and I had a sewing day where we both made one of these quilts to hang on the wall . We got the tops completely finished , but I have just now done the quilting and put the binding on . It will have to wait to be hung up till tomorrow though , since the kids are in bed and I don 't want to wake them up by hammering nails into the wall . This week , Shianne did the little girl cheer clinic at school . They practice for several hours three times during the week , and then do a cheer and a pom routine at halftime during the game on Friday . It was a very hectic week , especially since she had cheer on the day of her play and they overlapped a little . Friday was so cold , and we about froze at the game . As soon as her performance was over , we went home and made hot chocolate . Shianne is a little hard to see in the video . She 's all the way at the back in bright blue pants , but she is often behind on of the older girls . We were getting Shianne all dressed up for the game , and Dylan insisted on having his cheeks painted too . He is quite the little fan . We 've gone to two games this year and he wants to know what all the numbers on the scoreboard mean , and the things they use to show how far they have to go to get a first down . He got irritated last time because he saw all the high school boys with their chests painted and I wouldn 't let him do it . This past Tuesday , the 5th grade at Shianne 's school put on a super shortened version of " The Music Man " ( seriously short , only ten minutes ) . Shianne got to be in one of the main groups for one of the songs , and she had two lines as a salesman ( the video only shows one ) . The video 's not great , especially since the man in front of me kept moving , but she did a really great job . We got here dress at Goodwill for $ 5 . They didn 't have anything that fit the part in little girl sizes and almost none of the adult dresses we looked at had size tags on them ( or they were so worn you couldn 't read them ) , but I only had to do a little altering to make it fit her pretty well . She decorated the hat herself , but then forgot to wear it during the play . Dylan has been very tight - lipped about what he learns at school . He will tell me about lunch , recess , music , and PE . When I ask him about what he did in class , he will usually only tell me about centers ( which his teacher says are only about 40 minutes of the day ) . So , it 's been a little hard to know just what he 's learning since kindergartner 's don 't bring a lot of work home . But the other day , I was watching wheel of fortune . One of the contestants bought an o , and Dylan said " That 's a vowel , and if you put a vowel between two consonents it makes a short sound , and if you put it between two cosonents with a vowel on the other end it makes a long sound . " I was amazed . As you might expect , our cats do not really like our dogs , but the puppy is always trying to play with the cats . However , two of our cats seem to have decided that William ( the puppy ) may not be as bad as they first thought . A couple of times over the last two weeks , Natasha ( our Siamese ) has actually tried to play with William . Usually by sitting in a chair , safely out of his reach , and playfully swatting at him as he walks by . William thinks it 's fun , but keeps trying to get her to come down on the floor and play . Arthur ( our big black cat ) , rarely runs from William anymore and has even kissed his nose a couple of times . Then , the other day , Arthur was napping on a towel in the bathroom . William came in and laid down really close to Arthur didn 't do anything . In fact , Arthur got up to get a drink about ten minutes later and then laid right back down in the same spot next to William . Shianne wrote this poem for school about a week ago . She did such a good job , I wanted to share it . She had to complete starter sentences about herself to create the poem . Shianne WolfeFunny , Friendly , Cool , Wishes to be able to swim underwater for a long time , Dreams of becoming a vet someday , Wants to do ballet on Pointe , Who wonders how lollipops are made , Who fears roller coasters and heights , Who is afraid of creepy - crawlies , Who likes swimming , Who believes if you dance you live longer , Who loves my brother , Who loves my family , Who loves chocolate , Who loves dancing , Who loves animals , Who plans to be a good mother , Who plans to live for a long time , Who plans to do good next year , Who will be remembered for my humor . So , last night I had to work for back to school night . I guess it really got me out of my routine since I apparently forgot to turn my alarm on last night . Frank woke up , looked at the clock , and woke me up 5 minutes before I was supposed to leave . Aghhh ! ! Somehow , Shianne , Dylan , and I all managed to leave ( looking presentable ) 15 minutes later and they didn 't even miss the bus , which they catch at my school . Today , when we were teaching Dylan 's primary class , we were talking about loving everyone . We read a scripture in John that talks about it being a commandment to love everyone . When I got to the word commandment , I asked them if they knew what that meant . They all said no , even though we 've talked about it many times , and I reminded them that it was a rule and added that it was kind of like they have rules at school since they all just started school this week . In response to that , Dylan says " Yeh , like you can 't bring weapons . . . " I was just thinking , how much did they really dwell on that rule with kindergartners . So today was Dylan 's first day of school ever ( he is in all day kindergarten ) and Shianne 's first day of 5th grade . Dylan was super excited and hasn 't quite talking about all the things that he got to do . Shianne really enjoyed her day too and really likes her teacher so far . A little after lunch , I got an email from the school nurse about Dylan . They found a tick behind his ear . YUCK . When I went to pick him up and saw it , it was huge . He had to have gotten it at school because you could easily see it from the side or the back so I don 't know how he could have had it before and us not see it . When we got home , I tried to get it out , but wasn 't having any luck . So we went to see mom at the hospital to get her to help . He was stuck so good and we had to try a bunch of different things . It ended up taking us about 30 minutes to get it out . Dylan was really good about it and didn 't make a fuss . Even with the tick , we got the better end of the deal . Frank took the kids this morning so they didn 't ride the bus ( which they catch at the high school ) . The two other kids who ride the bus ( one of them is in Dylan 's class and was a little scared ) , got put on the wrong bus by the head of the transportation department and ended up at the wrong elementary school and nobody could figure out where they were for awhile . Our " new " piano finally arrived today . My grandma gave it to us , but the piano movers picked it up from her house in Austin 3 weeks ago , and we only live about 8 hours away . They pick up and drop off others all over the country to keep costs down , but it seemed a little silly since just about anywhere they were going to go from her house , they 'd have to come this far north anyway . But , I can 't complain . They actually came about 45 minutes early and they were super efficient , they were only here about 30 minutes and completely set it up for us ( they even listened to all of Dylan 's long , drawn out stories ) . It totally needs tuning , but even with that , it sounds so much better than the keyboard Shianne and I have been playing on ( we 're both trying to learn to play ) . William ( the puppy ) has decided that under the piano bench is a great place to sleep and Riley ( one of the cats ) has decided that the top of the bench makes a nice bed . Okay , so I 'm still in scrapping survivor . Last week I had immunity and didn 't need any votes , but this week I missed immunity by a minute or two . So , here is the place you need to go to vote for me http : / / www . gingerscraps . net / forums / showthread . php ? t = 4380 . You do have to register to be able to vote , but they won 't bug you with emails . Here 's my layout for this week . We had to write a letter to someone we love . Posted by Last night , our black cat Arthur sat in this big round pink chair of Shianne 's . It looked so cute the way he was in the chair , I just had to get a picture . Well , I forgot to set the red eye and anyone who 's taken a picture of a cat knows that 's a big mistake . However , the effect is certainly not red in this picture . I did fix the setting and got a normal picture later , but the alien one is just too funny . In case you didn 't know , it 's very hard to quilt with a puppy in your lap . I sat down to work on my hand quilting today , and William immediately came over and sat in my lap . No matter how many times I moved him , he just came right back . On the plus side , I have finally figured out how to quilt without constantly turning my hoop around and around . Posted by I don 't know about you guys , but I love the usefulness of space bags , but they are so expensive . A while back , I heard this tip on a tv show but kept forgetting to try it . Today , I finally did and it worked just as well as the store bought ones . You take a regular trash bag , the show said the heavy duty black ones but I only had basic white kitchen bags and they worked fine , put your stuff in it , vacuum out the air , and seal it with a rubber band . I found it worked easiest if I put the rubber band around the bag first , and then looped it around until it was tight after vacuuming . I had my bags standing up like they would be in a trash can and they made misshapen cubes . Next time I think I 'll try laying them down and see if they come out a little more flat . About five or six years ago , we had a real tree for Christmas . One day I asked Frank to check the water in the tree stand to see if it needed to be refilled . After sticking his hand in it , he said " It 's full all the way to the bottom " . I gave him quite a bit of grief about it . Well today , Dylan was getting syrup out of the fridge to put on his waffles . Shianne started whining that he was going to take to much and there wouldn 't be any left for her . Dylan said " It 's almost full to the bottom " . Frank and I both started laughing so hard . Dylan had never even heard Frank say that and he quoted it almost exactly . This is a video of William trying to get George to play with him . As you can see , George is ignoring him . So far , William has been unsuccesful in getting any other animals to play with him . The cats run from him , and mom and dad 's dachsund pretty much ignores him too . So , I am participating in digital scrapbooking survivor at gingerscraps . Today is the voting day to see who gets to stay . I would love it if you would go and vote for me . You might have to create a login account to do it , I 'm not sure . The link is http : / / www . gingerscraps . net / forums / showthread . php ? t = 4053Just look for " curlysue _ 73601 " in the list and click on it , then scroll to the bottom of the list and click on " vote now " . Here 's my layout for this week , which is what the voting is based on . Yesterday , we got out Dylan 's new slip - n - slide . He had a lot of fun with it , but Shianne got pretty frustrated . She could only get under the sprayer if she was on her tummy with her head down . In fact , at one point she insisted it couldn 't be done . Frank said of course it could , and that he could do it . So , after Frank proved it could be done , Shianne tried a few more times , though she still was not totally happy because she couldn 't make it all the way to the end . William thought the slip - n - slide was a huge water bowl for dogs and kept getting in the way . The kids were really good about waiting for him to get off and he never stayed on for very long . Okay , I can already hear some of you saying we 're crazy . But , I 've been wanting one of these for a long time . So when a friend offered him to us , we just had to say yes . We now have a long - haired mini dachsund . His name is William Maxwell and he is just the sweetest thing . One of his eyes is brown and the other is brown on top and blue on the bottom . We had Dylan 's birthday party Saturday . From my side of the family , Katie , Brooke , April , Dan , Grace , Annie , Lucy , and Rachel came . From Frank 's side of the family , Gene , Joan , Craig , Robyn , and Meaghan came . None of the nonfamily friends that we invited were able to come , but Dylan didn 't seem to notice . His cake was a train cake that I decorated to look like Thomas . Dylan loved all of his presents , though he 's generally easy to please . His water gun from Craig , Robyn , and Meaghan . It shoots colored water . They also got him a Thomas book . His Clifford games for the computer that Katie , Bill , and Brooke bought him . He already has a different one in the series and loves it , so he 's pretty excited about these . Gene and Joan got him a new slip - n - slide and Rachel gave him some legos , but I wasn 't able to get pictures of those . We 'll definitely have to get the slip - n - slide out this week , it is soooo hot . As of right now , his favorite present is the squishy lizards and frogs that April , Dan , Grace , Annie and Lucy got him . The kids discovered that if you throw them hard enough , they stick to the ceiling . After presents , we went out back and had a pinata . Dylan had never had one before and had begged for one . It worked out really well . On one of Shianne 's turns , she broke open the bottom just enough that if you hit it a few pieces of candy fell out . So all the kids got to have a turn where they hit a few pieces out and got to keep them . Then , on Shianne 's next turn , it busted all the way open and they all crowded in to get the candy . Today Dylan turned five . He 's not my little boy anymore - - sniff , sniff . Today he got his presents from us , though I had only planned on giving him one today and the other one on Saturday at his party . But I left them in the back of the van and forgot about them . When we got in the van he saw them right away and said " Mommy , are these for me ? " So he didn 't get to unwrap them . We got him another ramp for his hotwheels tracks and a Mickey Mouse yahtzee game ( he 's already played with both ) . We also went to visit Pat , his former babysitter today . We didn 't really go because it was his birthday , it just was a good time . I had realized that while I had lots of pictures of him with the other kids , I had none of him with Pat . After dinner , we went to Braums and got ice cream sundaes . Then we let the kids go outside and play with their new bubbles and ride bikes . Dylan had a lot of fun , but he 's convinced that his real birthday isn 't until Saturday when we have the party . Saturday , Dylan got his birthday present from Grammy and Papa . He 's party 's not till this coming Saturday , but they will be out of town . They got him a lego kit ( his first legos ) . He was super excited . We put it together today and he did it almost all by himself . He did all but a few pieces on his own . I interpreted most of the instructions for him , but he was even able to read quite a few of those on his own . It 's a semi , helicopter , and motorcycle . He really loves that the semi 's hood opens and there are removable tools he can use to work on the semi . It 's a little hard to tell from the camera angle , but Dylan 's mouth is wide open in excitement . Dylan always sticks his tongue out when he is concentrating . Well , this fourth of July was not quite as much fun as previous years . We always go to Yukon where my parents live because they have such a great fireworks show , plus all sorts of other activities . In the morning , they have a parade of bikes , crafts , moon bounce , etc . We didn 't make it to that part this year because of Frank 's work schedule and the kids were a little dissapointed . April brought over a big bucket of poppers and let all the kids take turns pulling them . They had a lot of fun with that , though Shianne was really the only one that had enough strength to pull the string . Grace and Dylan did finally figure out a way to pull the strings , but Dylan could still only do it sometimesAfter dinner , we usually head over to the park and listen to the Oklahoma City Philharmonic Orchestra and then watch the fireworks , which are set to music which makes them that much cooler . But , about 6 : 15 it started pouring rain and continued until almost 7 : 00 . Dad has a rain gauge and it says we got over an inch and a half of rain . So , the park was out , and instead we walked over to the church behind mom and dad 's house and set up camp in the parking lot . The fireworks usually start about ten , but this year they didn 't start until 10 : 15 . We had about decided they weren 't going to shoot them because of all the rain and several other people that had gone to the church had left already . It wasn 't quite the same effect without the music , but it was still a lot of fun . They even shot a few kinds we hadn 't ever seen before . Posted by Last week I posted a picture of Dylan that looked a lot like my dad . Today , I made a digital scrapbook page of the two of them . I thought you guys might like to see it , especially those of you who don 't know what my dad looked like as a kid . Yesterday , we went to the spray park with Katie , Brooke and her cousin Hannah . Well , actually we went to three . Right about the time we got to the first one , three daycare vans full of kids came to play and it was very crowded and noisy . So we left to try a different one we had been to before , and it was broken . As you can see , we did finally find one to play at . We brought water balloons and so did Katie . The kids ended up spending most of the time filling and popping the water balloons . Shianne finally learned how to tie a balloon . Today , we went to White Water again . Dylan was just as brave as last time . Today , I asked him if he wanted to ride the Pirate 's Plunge , a slide that is pitch black inside , though not very high or frightening aside from the dark . I didn 't tell him it was dark and he agreed to go . When we were most of the way up , he asked if it was dark inside and I said a little bit . He just said ok and still wanted to go . I was worried he was going to panic , but he came out smiling and wanted to go again . The funny thing is , Shianne was at least seven before she would go on any rides . Okay , the sad news . Today we happened to drive past Shianne 's dance studio and she asked me what the sign at Ms . Betty 's was . I hadn 't seen it , but on our way back home I pulled into the parking lot . The studio is for lease and there is a sign from Ms . Betty saying she has retired . Though she totally deserves it ( she is turning 90 this month ) , we are sad , especially since she didn 't really give anyone any warning . Shianne has been going there for seven years now and not only loves Ms . Betty , but has made a lot of friends there . Yesterday we all went to one of the spray parks together . Frank actually took the kids a few weeks ago , but this is the first time this summer I have gone . Frank and I did not intend to get wet . However , Frank got hot and decided to go under the misters . Well , Shianne seized the opportunity and pulled him under the dumping buckets and he got completely drenched . After that , he decided he may as well keep playing . Dylan really enjoyed the water guns and spent most of the time trying to spray people . Last night , we downloaded a new game to the wii called family mini golf . Just like in real life , each hole has obstacles and as you play more you can unlock new courses . We played it for family home evening and really had a good time . Shianne won by quite a bit . The kids and I played again this morning and Dylan won the first time and Shianne won the second time . I think the rest of us are going to have to practice secretly when she 's not around to be able to beat her . Well , apparently Dylan 's bravery at Frontier City has now carried over to White Water as well . We went yesterday with mom . Up until now , he would only go on the slides in the kid area , in the lazy river , and in the very shallow parts of the two other pools . Yesterday , I took a big float and put him on it and we paddled out to the deep end of the wave pool . He kept yelling at me to go back , but as soon as the waves started , he quit being upset and was really having a good time . The next time the waves came on , he walked in chest deep and was letting the waves knock him over . Then he purposely put his whole face in the water twice . After that we went over to the bermuda trianle and sat at the bottom to wait for Shianne to come down . While we were there , he said he wanted to ride it next time . I suggested to him that his first slide should be the body flumes . He said " Ok , let 's do that next " . So when Shianne got off the bermuda triangle , we went over there and got tubes . Several times before we have gotten him to go up the stairs for this slide , but he always chickens out before he even makes it all the way to the start . This time , he actually let me put the tube in and got in . However , when I got him to put his feet up and his rear in the hole of the tube , he started getting scared and would have gotten out but I said " Are you ready ? " and without waiting for an anwer , pushed him off . He had a blast and even went down again . Today we went to Great Salt Plains state park and went crystal digging . The trip started out pretty funny . I was reading the disclaimer at the bottom of the map I printed from the internet and it says " it 's a good idea to do a reality check and make sure the road still exists " . We had a good laugh over that . Unfortunately , Dylan got sick about 30 minutes into the trip ( we 're not sure if he was carsick or if his breakfast made him sick ) . He puked on his grammy quilt , once on the side of the road , and three or four times at the salt plains . We ended up only staying about 40 minutes because of him being sick and because of the blazing heat . Right before we left , I dumped a bunch of water on him and then we took his shirt off and made him lay down in the backseat . He finally started feeling better about ten minutes after that and felt fine the rest of the way home . This is the view of the salt plains . In the distance , you can see the trees on the other side of the lake ( which you can 't see in the picture ) . It was a pretty weird site since Oklahoma is full of red dirt . In fact , once you dug down past the top layer , it was red dirt there too . Dylan helped dig for a little bit before the tummy ache came back . Shianne and I " digging " for crystals . Really , you dig a hole and then you repeatedly pour water over the edges to erode away the dirt and uncover the crystals . Here are the biggest ones we found . They 're about an inch long . They all have dirt encased in them , some more than others . We had fun , but we 'd like to do it again someday when the weather is cooler . We think if we go again , we 'll probably rent a cabin so that we can go to the digging site a couple of times in short increments . Plus , we 'd like to explore the lake area too .

Hey guys ! Sorry it 's taken so long to get this chapter up ! I had it all ready to go and completely forgot to press the " Publish " button . My bad ! So here 's chapter 2 . As a refresher , it 's in Julia 's POV and she 's telling Agent Tate the beginning of their story . After Luke got out of football practice , he treated me and Adam to free pizza at his uncle 's place downtown . We sat at our usual booth in the corner . Luke used a knife to carve another tally mark underneath the table . Adam used a napkin to get rid of the grease off the pizza like usual - and as usual , Luke and I laughed at him . We went back home to my house to hang out and watch the Boston Red Sox game . Dad would have gotten on to me if I had told him we didn 't watch the game . Birthday or not . As if on cue , my mom yelled out from the kitchen the second the door was opened . " Hey there birthday girl ! Your Uncle Dustin 's package came . It 's on the kitchen counter . " Now if there was one thing I could always expect on my birthday , it was one awesome present from Uncle Dustin ( mom 's older brother ) . They ranged from a poncho woven in Argentina to a small marble bust of a Greek god or goddess ( I still can 't tell which one it is , honestly ) . When we lived back in Georgia , he would stop by all the time and tell me stories about all the places he had been , all the types of people he had met and all the cool things he had done . After we moved up to Boston , he rarely visited . He never gave me an explanation for why he never showed up anymore , but he always sent a gift on my birthday . If there was one thing that was constant in my life , and always has been . It 's been Uncle Dustin 's birthday gift . I hope you enjoy this book . It has all the knowledge you could ever want or need . You 'll find great adventures , the world 's best romances and its worst criminals . And you might just find something about yourself along the way . If you have any questions about what you find , don 't hesitate to ask . " Dude you got a textbook for a present ! " Luke said as he tossed it to me . " The universe is telling you that you 're dumb . " " Oh I haven 't seen this book in years ! " I turned around and watched as my mom treated the book as if it was some rare diamond . She picked it up and gently started flipping through the pages . " Your uncle and I used to read this all the time . It meant a lot to us . " She sighed as if remembering that wonderful childhood of hers that she always referenced but never talked about . She coughed , bringing herself back to reality . " I meant him … It meant a lot to him . " She straightened up . I could have sworn she had a few tears forming in her eyes , but I could never be sure with her . " It 's a big deal for him to give something like this up . " Adam ran his hand over the cover , trying not to laugh . " It 's such a beautiful heirloom . What on earth are you going to do with it ? " Julia pretended to be offended , eyes wide and everything . " I 'm insulted Tate . This is important . " Tate glared at her , as if to say really ? Her mocking sarcasm wasn 't going to get her very far and she knew that . It was almost as if she knew she was fighting a losing battle . Julia waved him off . " Oh , fine . I 'll skip the game - which was amazing , by the way - and get to the good stuff . " The cover was black . No words . Nothing . It had to be at least like a thousand pages thick . The book was obviously very old . The corners of the pages were burnt , torn , bent , etc . Page 115 : Samurais . At first , I could have sworn the article was written in Japanese , but then I blinked and it was in English . Back then , I thought it was because I was just tired . I pulled the book a little closer so that I could look at the newspaper article better . There was a picture that took up the top half of the article . The main focus of the pictures was an old street sign that read 3rd AVE , which was the name of the street that I lived on . I looked past the street sign to see the street and saw destruction : bombed buildings , rubble in the streets , soldiers with huge guns walking around checking it out . And I made the dumb decision to say the following out loud : " What the heck ? When did that happen ? I don 't remember that hearing about that in history class . " " I 'm going to skip all the details of exactly how the books . " Julia looked over at Adam . " I don 't want to confuse him anymore than he already is . Unless you want to explain Mr . Theoretical Physicist . " Adam shook his head . " We don 't have time to explain exactly how time travel works . We 'd be here for a decade . Besides , nobody truly knows how it works . " Agent Tate and Luke both simultaneously rolled their eyes . " Keep going Holbrook , " the FBI agent muttered through gritted teeth . These kids were really starting to get on his nerves . He had a million other things he could be doing right now , but instead he was stuck listening to four delinquent teens tell their story about time traveling . More like four loons escaped from the looney bin , Agent Tate thought to himself . Just at first glances , the street looked just like one of the many streets of Boston . Various historic looking buildings on either side of the street with a small roadway for cars . A bunch of cars were parallel parked on the side of the road … but they looked … how do I put this … futuristic ? They weren 't flying cars - you would think they would , being 100 years in the future , but they weren 't . The people were dressed fairly normal . No crazy outfits . Just regular clothes . Honestly , I could barely tell I was 100 years in the future . The girl on the left was wearing black pants that hugged her curves . Her black leather jacket covered up the bright , neon yellow shirt underneath . Her black hair was pulled up into a tight ponytail , making her look even more intimidating . She had darker skin and ice - cold grey eyes . She was definitely giving me the creeps . The girl next to her had bleach blonde hair that was perfectly straight , bangs pinned back with a few bobby pins . She was wearing the same black pants but she had a long - sleeved pink shirt . She was about as pale as snow . If she had black hair , I would have totally called her Snow White . Her smile was contagious , but it seemed to overshadow the fact that something made her seem out of place . I just couldn 't put my finger on it quite yet . " Hey ! Are you okay ? You took a pretty hard fall there ! " The blonde asked me as the other brushed my shoulders off . " My name 's Candy . What 's yours ? " I shook her hand and she started walking down the street after Candy . " Come on Julia , " Lynn called out . " We 've got places to be , people to see , things to discuss ! " None of us said another word until we got to wherever they were headed . It was an apartment , which based on some of the other buildings we walked past , was super old . Candy ushered us in and shut the door behind us . She locked the door with six different locks . Paranoid , much ? I then followed Candy and Lynn down some stairs into a sketchy basement . Lynn reached up and pulled down on a piece of string and one single light bulb turned on . I hadn 't seen anything like that in ages . A bunch of random boxes overflowing with multiple generations worth of stuff . There were three book shelves overflowing with more stuff - not just books , but mostly - giving it the abandoned library look . One wooden table , about to fall apart , was located near the stairs . The room looked like something straight out of an old 80 's movie . Nope , I take that back . Even further … like 60 's or 70 's . Nobody has basements like that anymore ( at least I don 't think so … ) . So the fact that it was here in the future made it extra ancient , in my opinion . Lynn thought for a second and sighed , crossing her arms out of frustration . " We should have thought this through more . We knew she was coming after all . " Another look shared between the girls . There was so much they weren 't telling me . This conversation was going to be the tip of the iceberg . I knew that much for sure . " Yes , but we can tell you the simpler stuff . Like that book your uncle gave you for your birthday ? That 's super important and much easier to explain . " Why I didn 't question the time travel part immediately puzzled me . For some reason I wasn 't shock about time travel , but I was shocked that I wasn 't shocked . If that makes any sense . " Power source , " Candy cut in . " And it 's the only reason that time travel is possible . For as far back as history can go , there have been select people that have had knowledge of this . And somewhere early in human history , the power source got broken up into nine pieces . " " And see there 's a member of this … organization , per se , that went rogue - or at least , is going to go rogue - and wants to take over the power source and use it to take over the world . Or something like that . You know , typical bad guy stuff . After searching around for a few minutes , Candy finally found what she was looking for and brought it back to the table and pushed it over towards me . " It basically states how when this bad guy comes about , there has to be a group of four ' members ' that will be the only ones to be able to find the pieces of this power source and put them back together - with the help of … others . " Lynn elbowed Candy , but she ignored it and continued . I noted that the " others ' seemed like at touchy subject for them . " But only one of the four will have the ability to destroy the bad guy for good . It 's been the general idea that the one will be a member of the Ducit family . " All that I could do is stare at this letter . What are you supposed to say to that ? These girls I just met claim that we 're all apart of some secret club that 's as old as dirt and that Luke , Adam and I are going to basically " restore peace to the universe . " WHAT ? Did I really just say that ? " How did you know I am apart of the Ducit family ? " I asked . If I was some kind of time travel royalty , I wanted to know about it . I stared down at the paper . I am the one who 's going to have to save the world . This is not happening . Worst . Birthday . Ever . We sat in silence for a few minutes . Lynn and Candy told me to ask anything and that they would try their best to answer . They wanted me to understand . If this was all true , I definitely wanted them to help . They seemed to know what was going on - at least most of it . " That 's because we don 't know who the fourth one is yet . " Candy answered . " You 'll have to figure that one out on your own . " " The more pieces that go missing , the more bad things that start happening . " Lynn explained . " Things like natural disasters , epidemics , wars , rebellions … you get the picture . Supposedly the ninth piece disappeared the day the so - called ' savior ' was born . " " Wait a minute . So you 're saying sometimes you know natural disasters are going to happen before they actually do ? Wouldn 't you want to tell somebody and save some lives ? " " We don 't find out that far in advance . " Lynn rolled her eyes . " It 's usually like a weird feeling a few minutes before . " " Pretty much . And usually the rebellions that occur after another piece has gone missing have to deal with us too . Seven times out of ten it 's just some crazy people outside of the organization finding out about us and trying to do something about it . The other three times it 's the government trying to shut us down . Neither work out really good for either of us . " " Yeah . The sloppy Warpers leave evidence , " Lynn said eyeing Candy . I sensed a lot of tension , but neither of them looked like they wanted to talk about it . " The last big rebellion was in 1848 . " Candy added , dismissing Lynn 's comment . " Well if you don 't count the one from a few years ago . " Candy glanced at Lynn , but she dismissed it and continued . " You two can have your little lovey - dovey moments on your own time , " Agent Tate rolled his own eyes . Julia glanced down at his legal pad and saw that he had a few things written down . That could be really good or really bad . Julia cleared her throat and continued . " What happened in 1848 ? " I felt even more lost . I probably should have paid more attention in world history class . But in my defense , we hadn 't make it past the year 0 yet . So it 's really not my fault I wasn 't clued in . Lynn rolled her eyes . My lack of history knowledge was annoying to her … along with a lot of other things , as I would find out in years to come . " In 1848 , rebellions spread all over Europe . Most historians say that it was just the common people rebelling against conservative governments , but we don 't believe that to be true . " " Because there is said to be a certain amount of time between the day the last piece goes missing and the end of the world . We think it 's around 20 years . According to that letter the clock starts ticking - " " Who 's Jonathon ? " I asked . This was way too much information to take in at one time . With every thing that came out of their mouths , I got more confused . I 'm sure the frustration in my voice was showing . Lynn was glaring at Candy even more now . Candy looked like she wanted to drown herself in her own sea of guilt . Obviously Jonathon was someone I wasn 't supposed to know about . " Actually , we do ! " Candy jumped up and put the letter back on the shelf . She seemed extra eager to get a chance to leave that awkward conversation . " We knows its on 3rd Avenue somewhere , but we didn 't want to risk getting caught there without you guys . " " The sooner we find it , the sooner we can all go home . " Lynn said bluntly . Something told me she was still really ticked about the whole Jonathon thing . " Where is home for you two exactly ? " I asked slowly . They shared another look . " Oh stop with the looks and just tell me , dang it ! " " Yeah , I guess . " Candy 's gaze lingered on the floor . " I don 't really have the option of going home , unlike you . I 'll go to another place . " Lynn took the mysterious comment as the " let 's get out of here " cue . I was so glad she had , because I was ready to get out of here too . I wanted to go home . Now . 3rd Avenue looked exactly like it did in the newspaper article I found in the book - minus the soldiers . It was completely empty . It was almost unrecognizable to the 2008 version . Half of the buildings were torn down . Windows were broken . Doors broken down . The piles of rubble were neat piles now , as if someone had gone on a cleaning spree and were waiting for the giant trash trucks to come take them away - except the trash trucks never came . Lynn and Candy immediately slipped into the first alley on the right . At the end of the alley there was a dented trashcan . I followed Candy over to it while Lynn kept watch . Inside the trashcan were two pistols and one shotgun hidden underneath old newspapers . " What 's so funny , Washington ? " Agent Tate asked , oblivious as to how her story had taken a hilarious turn . Rachel covered her mouth to hide her laughter . Adam composed himself . " Sorry . Sorry . Inside joke . " " Goes back to the time we went to Ancient Greece , " Julia could hardly keep the smile off her face at the memory . " Luke and this girl in the camp and … oh we 'll get there . " Luke crossed his arms . " You both suck , " he mumbled under his breath . Where was I ? Oh yeah … " what are those for ? " In all truth , I didn 't actually say that exact line , but I did ask why guns were necessary on a deserted street . " We 're not supposed to be here , " Candy whispered . " 3rd Avenue was the base for the Boston rebellion for the longest time . We need to be careful . " She checked all three guns to make sure they were loaded . She handed me one of the pistols and we headed back to Lynn . I later found out that the reason they didn 't have futuristic weapons was due to GPS chips . Before the rebellion started , the government added chips to several new types of guns before distribution . That 's how they raided so many rebel bases in the beginning . Eventually , the rebels caught on and reverted back to the older guns - guns that couldn 't be tracked with a GPS . " Oh , " Julia added , glancing at Adam briefly . She looked down as if she was in shame before slowly returning her gaze to Agent Tate 's . " Sorry , uh … spoiler alert … for the future . " We carefully headed out of the alley and slowly worked our way along the edge of the street . I felt like I was in a horror movie trying to run away from the serial killer . After getting about halfway down the street , I finally saw something I recognized : my house . The only thing that was different was a couple of busted windows . I couldn 't help wanting to know what it looked like on the inside after all these years . Before I realized what I was doing I walked up the steps and stood in front of the front door . There were some bullet holes going through the door and the paint was faded and chipped . Dad , if he were alive in 2108 , would be furious . " Are you sure you want to see it ? " Lynn whispered from behind me . I turned around and saw that she was on the top step staring at me . Candy was crouched down beside the bottom of the stairs , watching the street . Lynn shrugged . " No clue . The entire street 's been abandoned for about nine years now . There 's no telling what you 're going to find . " I nodded and turned back around , slowly turning the door knob . Holding the gun in front of me - like they do on those crime shows , you know what I 'm talking about Agent Tate - I walked around what used to be my house . All the furniture was gone . In the kitchen , there were a few broken pieces of china thrown on the floor . The stairs leading up to the bedrooms were torn to pieces . I walked around to where the top of the basement stairs was . I opened the door to find them still in tact . I motioned to Candy and Lynn that I was going downstairs and they nodded . With my gun held in front of me , I slowly started descending down the stairs . There was no telling what I was going to find . I stopped at every single sound I heard , even the creaking of the stairs . Once at the bottom , I led my hand along the side of the wall until I found the light switch . Since there were no windows in the basement , I figured turning on a light would be safe . I flipped the switch and a complete mess was revealed to me . I lowered gun and started looking through all the stuff . Nothing really looked like it belonged to my family and I . Most of it was business papers , statistical analysis worksheets and newspapers from the late 2000 's . I was about to head back upstairs when I saw one picture in the corner . It was of Luke , Adam and I when we were twelve . I can still remember the exact day that picture was taken . It was just a few weeks after Luke had moved to Boston back in 7th grade . Luke and I were at some stupid work party that our parents dragged us to . Being the social butterflies that we were , Luke and I took our plates of food , sat on the couch and were watching Jeopardy . If the party had been at either of our houses we probably would have locked ourselves in one of our rooms and played video games , but since this was somebody else 's house , Jeopardy on the couch was the best we could do . I slapped his arm . " No , stupid , it 's French . Nobody speaks French outside of France ! And besides , the French are very romantic . " I waved a French fry in front of his face . " They have a whole type of kissing named after them . " " This is my house , " Adam retorted . After a few awkward seconds , he continued . " My step - dad is the catcher for the Red Sox . " Adam walked over and sat on the couch next to me . Adam sighed and turned back to Jeopardy . After losing an intense staring contest to me , Luke apologized to Adam and we continued to fight over Jeopardy . Adam showed both of us up . My mom had came in later and taken the picture of us three sitting on the couch . It was the first picture we ever had together and it was one of my favorites . Luke was pointing at the screen with a French fry , arguing that his answer was clearly right , when it clearly wasn 't . I had my arms crossed and looked like I was about to kill someone . Adam , on the other hand , was laughing so hard he was about to fall off the couch . " So Luke , flirting isn 't an official language ? Go figure . " Agent Tate retorted . He meant it as a jab on Luke 's intelligence and it was most definitely taken as such . Luke rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath that only Julia heard . She pinched him , but he didn 't do as much as flinch . Luke 's eyes never left the agent 's . Agent Tate nodded at Julia to continue . Seeing that picture really got me wondering where Luke and Adam were . I mean Lynn and Candy had said they were supposed to help me save the world and all , but yet they weren 't here . Were they back in 2008 ? Do they know that I 'm gone or is time frozen there ? I rushed to the front door , in between Lynn and Candy and convinced them that these two weren 't going to hurt us in anyway . Once the door was closed and the girls had settled down , I explained that they were pointing their guns at Luke and Adam . Candy laughed it off . Lynn didn 't show her embarrassment , but I could tell it was there . Luke looked up , as if he could see the cut on his own forehead . " We landed on top of one of those dang piles outside ! Is it bleeding ? " I nodded and Luke sat down on the floor , took off his jacket and used the sleeve to soak up the blood . I sat down next to him . Adam turned to me and threw his hands up in frustration . " Julia , what in the world is going on ? None of this makes sense ! Where are we ? Why does the street looked all abandoned and what not ? " " Adam . You 're in my house . " I said as bluntly as I could . I gave Adam a few seconds to look around the room so that he could realize I was right . Lynn nodded and started explaining to Adam what I had already heard . I walked over to the broken window and took a peek outside . Everything looked so … different . The view was almost unrecognizable … but at the same time it was the same . I know that doesn 't make sense , but it 's the best way to describe it . I turned and gave him a confused look . We hadn 't said the phrase time - traveling … and Luke isn 't exactly the smartest person ever … " You know we time - traveled ? " " Yeah , I did . " That was honestly the last thing on my mind right now . It seemed so far away . Technically , it was 100 years ago . " To see you sit on the bench ? " I couldn 't help but smile . Since we were only freshman , Luke didn 't get much credit on the football team . Normally freshman didn 't make varsity , but Luke did . Normally that would mean playing a lot because you 're God 's gift to football , but not for Luke . He hasn 't stepped on the field during a game all season - 4 games so far . " Of course not ! I 'm coming so that afterwards you can sneak us into your uncle 's pizza place and get us dessert pizzas . " I elbowed him playfully . Adam , Lynn and Candy were finished talking by this time and they told us to come over to where they were standing . Adam looked flustered . I could tell by the look on his face that he had a million questions at the tip of his tongue , only needing someone to address him to open the floodgates and have them spilling out . " The first place is located further down the street , " Lynn informed all of us . " We need to make it down there quietly and quickly . If anyone sees us down here , which might be possible , we 're dead . " " All the Warpers can see the piece if they see it , " Lynn pointed between herself and Candy , " which we have . But we can 't touch it . Only you guys can . Since you 're three of the four . " " I think there 's more guns upstairs . I 'll go get them ! " Candy said excitedly . I don 't know where she gets her energy from , but right now it was kind of annoying . " How are you going to get up there ? The stairs look like they 're going to fall apart ! " I called out after her as she ran over to the stairs . Julia turned to her friends . " She never did tell us how she got up those stairs . I still can 't figure out how she did it . " " That 's what 's blowing your mind ? Not the time traveling thing ? THAT ' S what blows your mind ? The broken stairs ? " Agent Tate looked pretty mind blown himself , in Julia 's opinion . He probably wasn 't willing to believe that these meddling kids were telling the truth . He was probably just punching the time clock so that he could paid . Life as an FBI agent was time consuming and it didn 't pay that well , Julia knew at least that much from TV shows . He probably didn 't want to wrap his mind around the fact that the four of them actually time - traveled one hundred years into the future . They 're obviously hiding something huge , Agent Tate thought to himself . Or they wouldn 't be creating such a ridiculously elaborate story . Agent Tate just shook his head . He still couldn 't wrap his mind around the concept of time travel yet . This story seemed to be getting more ridiculous by the second . " Now Adam , " Lynn said , " you 'll be with me and Candy . We 'll go first and scope out the area first . We 'll then wait at the location for Julia and Luke to catch up . " Lynn turned to face me . " Stay at a safe distance behind us just in case . If something happens to us , we 'll make sure that Adam comes to find you so you three can get out of here . We can 't have all of us getting caught - especially not you three . Candy and I can handle ourselves here if we get caught . You three can 't . Sound good to everyone ? " " These are RZ - 570s . Invented by rebels about a decade ago so that they could use guns without having the government trace their whereabouts . Most were confiscated but we managed to find a few that weren 't . They are the most powerful guns you 'll probably ever hold , so be careful . " Candy explained , intending for Luke to hear , which he didn 't . He was too busy twirling it around in his hands . " It 'll only take one shot to kill somebody no matter where you hit them , so be careful with who you aim at . " Lynn said cautiously . " If you have horrible aim , we might want to switch . " " I 'm the champ at darts . My aim is the best ! " Luke said while pretending to shoot the invisible bad guys . " Adam sucks though , might want to trade out for a smaller gun little man ! " Adam 's face twisted with disgust , but he adamantly refused to exchange guns , claiming he could handle it . As planned , Lynn , Candy and Adam went first . Luke and I waited ten minutes and then followed behind them . We decided walking on the other side of the street would be a good idea . I was ahead of Luke by about two paces . Every minute or so , I looked back to see if he was still there - just in case . About twenty minutes into the trip , I looked back ( as I had been doing the entire time ) to find him gone . " Luke ! What are you doing ? " He didn 't respond . I cupped my hands to look into the shop window to see what looked like a restaurant . At first , I didn 't connect the dots , but then it all clicked . Luke 's uncle 's pizza place was on 3rd Avenue . Right where we were standing , to be exact . I took a step back from the window and looked at Luke . He still looked in shock . I fumbled around with what to say for a while , but he broke the silence first . " This all has to do with that rebellion Lynn and Candy were talking about . " I mumbled - mostly to myself . " I 'm sure it just fell victim like the other buildings on this street have . " Luke peered into the window one more time . He then turned around , facing the street and checked if anyone was watching us . He tried the doorknob , but seeing that the door was locked , he took a few steps backwards and kicked the door down . I walked in and continued to scold him . " You don 't know what you 're going to find in here ! We need to be following the others ! " Luke wasn 't paying any attention to me . He was turning over tables , moving chairs , as if he was looking for something important . So I fit my gun into one of my belt loops and started doing the same . There was nothing to find here , from what I saw . There were burnt menus , broken tables and chairs , and the occasional half - burnt dollar bill . " Hey Jules , come over here . " Luke whispered . He was holding up a table over in the corner by the window . I walked over there to see a table with a bunch of scratch marks on the bottom . " Know what this is ? " " In my uncle 's pizza 's place we had our own table , in the corner by the window . In all the years of us going there , we 've never sat anywhere else . Since the first time going there , Jules and I have scratched a tally mark under the table , to count how many times we 've been there . " Luke replied with a smile on his face , proud to have such a long tradition with his girl . " Last time I checked it was somewhere around 380 . " Julia looked down at her hands , the edges of her lips curling up into a smile , but said nothing . They still had a lot to talk about , but she couldn 't help but smile at the fond memory . She cleared her throat and continued with her story . " I believe so ! Look how many tally marks we 've got ! " Luke attempted to count all of them . Somewhere around 60 he stopped . " What the … " " Then why not tell me ? You always point those out to make fun of them . " Luke couldn 't not tell her , for he knew that she would find out eventually . Keeping secrets from her was an unfortunate weakness of his . Rachel and Adam were paying full attention . Wide eyes and curious expressions . Rachel placed a hand over her mouth to stop herself from saying anything . Luke didn 't want them to see the shame on his face , but they knew him to well . " Why didn 't you just tell me ? " Julia asked , this time her voice was much quieter . Luke knew she was trying to make their conversation seem more private , despite the fact that they had three people watching intently . " You kept that a secret ? " Julia let out a little laugh . " You could have just told me you know . I wouldn 't have cared . It 's not like it would have affected anything . " " After I started liking you , yes I was afraid of that ! " Luke blurted out . He took a deep breath to calm himself down and continued . " I liked you for a long time before I got the courage to tell you . I felt like if I told you about that you would think that I was only asking you out because of that . And Lynn and Candy always talked about how if we found out things about our future we could screw it up … and I flipped . " Julia looked as if her heart was broken . Luke had had this moral dilemma over that table all these years and she had never known . But if he was so torn up about something as simple as seeing their initials carved under a table 100 years in the future , how was he going to handle what was coming next ? She looked at him , trying to catch his gaze , but he wouldn 't look up from his hands . It 's probably better this way , Julia thought to herself . Less pain . " Nothing . I don 't see anything . " Luke put the table back the way it was and walked away . I figured whatever he saw wasn 't that important , so I didn 't look for myself . Apparently it was important to Luke , as we all now know . " What happened here ? It looked like a bomb went off . " Luke said as he walked through the kitchen . There were so many things that were melted to the floor , and the walls , and the ceiling . " We 're not supposed to be here , remember ? " After a few seconds , Luke pulled his hand off and kept going . " Hey , look over here . The wall 's black over here . " Luke walked through a doorway and into a second room . " I don 't remember there being a room back here . " He kept talking , but I couldn 't hear him . All of the walls were black except for splatters of dark red . You could tell it had been a long time since anybody had been in here since there were bones all over the place . Human bones . Skeletons . It was possibly the most horrific sight I 'd ever seen at this point . There had to be at least ten of them - dead people that is . Luke was standing over in the corner . He looked around in shock . I couldn 't even move . I felt like I was walking into a mass grave . " You were right . A bomb definitely went off here . " Luke bent down to pick up what looked like what was left of the bomb . He picked it up slowly , inspected it , and then dropped it . " There 's got to be like ten people in here . " " Let 's get out of here Luke . This room is creeping me out . " As I started walking back out of the room , I thought about Adam and how we left him with Lynn and Candy , and how were supposed to be following them . " Oh crap ! " I hurried towards the door , pulling my gun out my pocket . " Jules ! Wait ! " Luke ran after me . " What 's going on ? " I had gotten to the door and waited a second for Luke to catch up . " Sounds good to me . I 'll lead . " Luke pushed past me , with his gun at the ready . I just shrugged and followed . There was no point in trying to take the lead now . Neither of us really knew where they were . All we had was a simple direction . In a few minutes we caught back up to where I was when I had realized I had lost Luke . We continued along 3rd Avenue for a few more minutes when I heard a loud bang to my right . I immediately turned and pointed my gun out in that direction . I just had the regular pistol , so my gun was like a toothpick compared to Luke 's RZ - 570 , but I figured whoever - or whatever - it was didn 't like getting shot by any kind of bullet . " What are you doing ? " I scolded him about as loud as my whisper would allow me . " We 're not supposed to be here , remember ? " He rolled his eyes at that , like usual . " Well whoever it is obviously spotted us . " Luke then started moving out into the street , still with his gun in front of him . I hesitated before following him . He 's such an idiot ! We 're gonna get killed doing this - I just know it ! We 're done for . Doomed . End of story . This is it - I 'm going to die . " I wouldn 't be so sure about that dearie . That gun won 't be able to protect you from everything . " Came a voice with a British accent off to our left . Luke and I turned to see where the voice came from only to see a woman standing at the door of one of the shops we had just passed . She was of average height , had curly , brown hair so dark it was almost black , with blue eyes . Not just any blue eyes - blue eyes that were like a stormy sea . She slowly started to walk towards us . She didn 't have any weapons , but her stare was cold enough to kill someone . Luke and I automatically pointed our guns in her direction . " Oh , don 't you two just look adorable holding up your guns , thinking you can hurt me with those . " She let out a creepy laugh . " You can 't kill me now ! We 've barely gotten to know each other ! At least let me buy you a cappuccino or something . " " Not a cappuccino person ? Hmm … what about a cup of tea ? " After another few seconds of silence she kept going . " Fine then . You two obviously need to lighten up . Alcohol will do the trick - oh but you 're too young for that ! Silly me ! " She laughed at her stupid joke . Today , I would compare her to Mother Gothel from Tangled . " At least let me introduce myself . " " My name is Maddie . It 's a pleasure to see you again darling . I 've been waiting for this day for … hmm … fifteen years now ? " " Oh of course I do ! You 're Luke Madden , and this beauty here is my niece Julia Rose Holbrook . " She was standing at an arm 's length now . My wimpy pistol was only inches from her stomach . All I had to do was pull the trigger and she would be gone . " Oh dear ! You don 't remember me , do you ? " She reached out to stroke my hair , but I slapped her hand away . " I 'm your father 's older sister . I was there the day you were born . I held you and told your mother how beautiful you were . I actually babysat you once before I went back to England . I used to get your family 's Christmas card . You should ask your dear mother to add me back on the list , while we 're on that topic . " " You 're making this up ! I would have heard about you - or seen you at the family reunions ! " At the mention of family reunions , Maddie shuddered , as if I had just offended her in some weird way . " My father disowned me . He did not … approve of me . Never has . He just loves his son - the Red Sox player . That 's probably why you don 't hear of me - I 'm not accepted in that dysfunctional family . " Her face lit up when I asked that question . " Oh that 's the fun part darling ! Our fates are intertwined - on a crash course , per say . " She walked slowly around me , twirling her finger in the ponytail . " I figured our paths should cross before all the fighting begins . " " You 're the bad guy . " I murmured . Lynn and Candy mentioned some bad guy coming along and Luke , Adam and I having to defeat them . " Bingo ! " Maddie walked past me , over to a pile of bricks that were lying in the middle of the street . " And just so you know , the one piece of the power source that I need will be mine . Don 't you forget that either ! But by all means , please don 't give up . I love a little competition ! " She flashed a quick smile and kept walking down the street . " See you later my darlings ! And I wish you all the luck the world has to offer ! " Agent Tate stared back , taken aback at her question . She had meant it as rhetorical , but he didn 't feel it to be that way . To him , it was obvious . Time travel and magic do not exist . End of story . He glanced at his watch . He was to leave at five . It was ten in the morning . Seven more hours to go … Luke and I just kind of stood there for a second . All of the sudden I got the worst headache - almost like a migraine . Every step I took hurt so I stopped . The ground underneath my feet started spinning and before I knew it , I was on the ground . I was in a bedroom of what looked like a boy who - based off what was in his room - was probably a little bit younger than me . There were sports posters on the wall , along with the occasional photo standing in a frame . Against one of the walls was the bed , which I was standing over . The boy was sleeping . He had brown hair and blue eyes . Honestly , he looked like the boy version at me when I was nine . I took a few seconds to look around the room . There was a glass of water on the nightstand , along with a copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire ( what a good choice - I might add ) , and a pair of reading glasses . There was a desk in the far corner that had huge , messy pile of books on it . The window was opposite of the desk , and right when I looked at it , it flew open , letting in all the bitter cold winter air . In through the window came a person with a creepy cloak on . The kind of cloak you see the Grim Reaper wear in movies . It ( as far as I know it was the Grim Reaper ) walked right past me without even a glance . Was I even visible ? Was I a ghost here ? Who is that ? Whoever it was , it walked straight over to the nightstand with the glass of water on it , put its hand over it and turned back toward the windows and disappeared . The water glowed purple for a brief second , changing back so far I questioned if it had even changed colors in the first place . Right before the thing left , it took a quick glance right in my direction , and it was then when I realized it was Maddie . Right as I did that , the boy woke up coughing . I could barely see him , but he reached for the glass of water and drank some . I just stood there in shock with the realization that Maddie had done something to his drink . The boy 's coughing turned into choking when a woman ran into the room . I couldn 't see her face , but she struck me as familiar . Before I could figure out whether or not he had died , I came back to reality . " Luke , you 're making it worse ! Stop ! " I put my hand on my forehead . I felt like I had just been run over by a truck , repeatedly . What just happened ? " What ? How hard did you hit your head when you passed out ? " Luke put the back of his hand on my forehead like he was taking my temperature . I swatted it away . " No , Luke . I was there , but nobody could see me . I was like a ghost . And … and … Maddie was there … and she killed that innocent boy . " I shook the crazy thought out of my head . " We need to find Lynn and Candy . I think they 'll know what 's going on . " " Yeah Luke . Let 's just find the others . " I started walking , even with my head still throbbing . What was I supposed to do ? We had to find them . I wanted to go home now . After walking for about half an hour , the pain finally stopped . That 's when I saw Candy peeking out of a window of one of the houses across the street . Luke and I knew that crossing the street was probably a bad idea since other streets were in view , which meant other people would be able to see us . The only way we could think of doing without being completely obvious was to go from one pile of bricks to another across the street . I set out first , pistol still out in front . I went to the first pile , checked to see if anyone was walking by , and then proceeded to the second . Once I got to the other side , I waited underneath the staircase leading up to the front door while Luke was finishing up . I counted to three and then we both ran up to the front door and knocked like maniacs . " We uh … got caught up a ways back . " Luke said as he walked in and took a seat on the slightly torn - up couch in the corner . " Where are Adam and that other chick ? " " How big can this house possibly be ? " I looked around to see a pretty small house . There was a staircase going up to a second story , but if it was anything like the other houses on the street : it was very small . " Not sure . But now that you 're here , let 's go look . I 'll look in the kitchen , you two go upstairs . " Without questioning her , Luke and I immediately started walking around the house , with our guns in our hands - just in case . Luke went up the stairs first , with his fancy futuristic gun ready to shoot any unsuspecting person . Once upstairs , we found a small hallway with three doors : one on the right , left , and at the end of the hall . I opened the door on the left to see a little girl 's bedroom . Lynn had informed us back at my house that the piece would be glowing , so since I saw nothing , I closed the door . Luke had just closed the door to the room on the right . " Nope . " I walked over to that door and slowly turned the knob . I looked down at my feet to see a faint glow coming from underneath the door . " Luke … look … " I pointed down to my feet and smiled at him . " This is it ! " So Luke and I split up to try to find the source . I started moving things around to find the dang piece . While moving one of the boxes off the floor , the bottom of the box fell out and all of its contents spewed out into the floor . I noticed a bunch of photographs of the same people . Duh Julia . This is somebody 's house : of course all the photos are going to have the same people in them . But then I came across a wedding photo that struck me as odd . It had four different people in it : the bride , two guys in tuxedos ( I 'm assuming one was the groom ) and another girl in a red bridesmaids dress . Since I 'm a girl , the natural instinct is to think aww , how cute , but then I looked closer and saw the faces . They all looked familiar … and then I realized who the people were . It was me in the wedding dress , Luke and Adam in the tuxedos and a girl from our school named Rachel in the red dress . Does this mean I 'm going to marry either Adam or Luke ? And what is she doing there ? We 've maybe spoken two words to each other since 6th grade ! I immediately put the contents back into the box and shoved it on a pile of boxes as far away as possible . That picture was too weird . The last thing I wanted to think about was a wedding . Especially if I was marrying either Adam or Luke . Luke and I were probably searching for ten minutes before Luke moved one of the boxes and the entire room illuminated with the blue glow . He reached down and grabbed the piece . It was about three or four inches on all sides . " Is this what we 've been looking for the whole time ? " Luke held it up and looked at it . As he was holding it , the blue glow dimmed , making it easier to look at . " It 's really small ! The dang thing could have been anywhere ! " " Fine then scared - y - cat , let 's go downstairs and get out of here . " I took the piece from him while I left the attic . With the glowing square in one hand and the pistol in the other , Luke and I went back down to the ground floor of the house to see Adam , Candy and Lynn just sitting there , chatting away . Lynn looked a little bit aggravated , probably from Adam asking too many questions . " This is amazing Julia ! I can 't believe you actually found it ! " Lynn ran over and gave me a hug - something I found impossible based off her standoff attitude she 's been giving me the entire time . " Whoa there ! Break it up ! " Luke put a hand right in between my hug with Lynn . " How do we use that thing to get home ? " " Oh simple ! All of you just need to close your eyes and put a hand on it … " She paused so that all but Candy would all do it . " Now think of where you were before you came here … " When I didn 't hear anybody answer , I opened my eyes to see that I was back in my room on my bed . The book that Uncle Dustin had gotten me was sitting there on my bed , still open to the exact page that had started this whole thing . I closed the book , put it up on one of the shelves , when the piece fell out of my pocket . I had almost forgotten about it ! How it got in my pocket , I 'll never know - but that 's not important . I figured that this piece was probably something I needed to hide . The perfect place came right to my mind … I hid the piece in that oh so perfect place , and no I 'm not going to tell you where that is . I turned around to see that the clock read 11 : 47 PM . It was like no time had passed at all . After crossing a few things off of my pre - bedtime routine , I went downstairs to retrieve my cell phone that I had left on the couch in the living room . I picked it up and saw that I had seventeen missed calls . They were all from Luke and Adam . " JULIA ! Oh good ! You 're okay ! " Adam looked like he was out of breath - which was weird since he lived right across the road . " What 's going on ? " All three of us sat down on the couch . " Why did y ' all show up ? It 's past midnight ! " " We had to make sure you were back ! You didn 't answer your phone , so we came over as soon as we could ! " Luke looked as if he had just had a panic attack - which never happened : another weird thing . " I left my phone on the couch . I literally just saw all the missed calls . Y ' all need to calm down . " I took a deep breath to calm down . " Do y ' all need a drink ? You look like you just ran a marathon ! " " Yes … please . " Adam said in between taking huge breaths . I got up to go get all three of us a glass of water and came back to the couch . Adam drank every last drop of water , placed the glass down on the coffee table and turned to me . " We just time travelled . This is big stuff . " " STOP IT ! " I whisper - yelled . Yes , that is a thing . " You two fight enough as it is . " I put my glass down onto the coffee table . " We need to be together on this . " " She 's got a point Luke . We can 't tell anybody . If anybody knows , we could never accomplish the mission . " Adam shoved Luke back . " Did you put the piece in a good hiding place , Julia ? " " Oh I know exactly who I 'm talking about . " Adam joked . I put my hand over my mouth to hide my laughter . Luke glared at us , but said nothing . " It 's either all of us , or none of us . What do you say ? Wanna save the universe before the aunt , I never knew I had , destroys it ? " I picked up my glass off of the coffee table and offered it up as if to toast something . So that 's chapter 2 ! Please let me know what you think in the comments . Good , bad , hate , love , etc . I wanna hear it all ! I 'll try to have chapter 3 up as soon as I can ! Have a wonderful day ! 🙂

FARK . com : ( 3985541 ) Annual " Tell your true spooky \ creepy stories " thread . Happy Halloween , voting enabled for scariest Do you have adblock enabled ? Don 't Like Ads ? Try BareFark Here 's my story . . . In Newport , PA they have ghost tours because there seems to be so many homes that have ghosts . I was doing computer work in a large 200 year - old house ( one on the tour ) at about 12 in the morning ( life of a consultant ) I went from the kitchen to the living room via the hallway . The hallway has a carpet runner over wooden floors . As I went down the hall , you could hear my footsteps on the floor " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . I was working on the server and I heard " raaa rooo raaa rooo " . Now , there have been times when the owner was home and I didn 't know it ( I have a key and he works in Virginia ) . So I figure someone is walking down the hall . I walk out and say " Hello ? " Now , mind you , I 'm an engineer by schooling , computer consultant , 47 , and was sober and straight at the time . I walk into the hall and there 's no one there . I am incredulous because there wasn 't only sound , you almost felt the weight of the footsteps . Something walked right in front of me . I wasn 't scared . I just smiled and thought , " Now I know what they 're talking about " . I said hello and the presence left . I am now no longer a skeptic , as far as that stuff goes . 18 years ago , on my first ship in the Navy , a bunch of friends of mine and I decided to pass the time one night with a Ouija board . Nine or ten of us put the board on the dead - reckoning plotter in CIC , and took turns calling up various spirits . One in particular blew all of our minds . The spirit claimed to be that of a little girl from Compton , who had died in a drive - by . She also revealed a number of secrets about different guys , always guys who weren 't touching the plastic pointer at the time ( none of which I 'll reveal here ) . But what was more interesting was , she gave us a phone number and a name , Rev . Green , and message for him . She asked us to tell him that " Missy " was fine and happy . The number had a 310 area code ; the two guys who were touching the pointer at the time were both from the midwest , and didn 't know anyone in LA . I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . This happened a few years back . One day , I came home and my roommate was watching the Matrix . It was my favorite movie at the time , so I sit and watch with him . At the exact point in the movie where they hit the EMP at the end , the entire neighborhood power grid goes out . 3 or 4 square city blocks . The power came back after about an hour , but the tv wasn 't the same . Every day at 6 pm , after an hour of the simpsons , the drew carey show was scheduled to come on . If we left the tv on that channel , it would mysteriously turn off , and if we tried to turn it on again we would hear a strange clicking sound , and wouldn 't be able to turn on the tv for a half hour . This would only happen at 6 , only on weekdays , only on that channel , and only when the drew carey show was on . If we changed the channel right after the simpsons was over , before drew carey came on , nothing would happen . it 's not even as if we watched the drew carey show , it was just what was on after the simpsons . / not very scary , I know , just creepy Trixie _ Belden : The other night I was home alone except for my mini schnauzer Max . I was doing some cleaning in the living room and turned to see Max in front of the cupboards in the kitchen sitting and shaking like something had just hurt him or scared the bejesus out of him . I picked him up and he tried to climb up over me . I brought him into the bedroom and set him on the bed . He ran to the head of the bed and hid behind the pillows , still shaking . This went on for about 20 minutes . Nothing I could do would stop his shaking . He would not go back in the living room the rest of the night . Was it a ghost that scared him ? Who knows . Quite the brave dog there . . . good story . A good friend of mine had a son who died in a car accident . He was a musician and played in a band . The day of the funeral , I was outside playing Amazing Grace on a type of dulcimer , just thinking of him . I went inside and laid the instrument on the kitchen counter and went back to the bedroom . The strings suddenly twanged like someone had strummed them . I thought it was our dog dragging it off the counter ( he gets into everything ) so I ran in . It was sitting right were I left it . Nothing was around it and my husband was in the other room . He heard it too . Nosferatublue Where in the heck are you getting those pics ? ltdanman44 : My father passed away 3 years ago . I kept having dreams about him standing near my bed while I slept . One morning when I woke up , 2 pieces of his jewerly was on my stomach and one of his pressed suits in my closet was on my bedroom floor all wrinkled . I don 't know how this happened as I live alone and have no pets . This creeped me out so bad , I moved out of the apartment the next month , losing my deposit . Haven 't heard from ' Dad ' since . OK , so I 'm not the best night - time rapist out there and I have a conscience . . . as well as a thing for neatly pressed suits . I leave some jewelry behind as " payment " because I just can 't be all " take take take . " I woulda re - pressed the slacks and hung them but I couldn 't find your damn iron . . . it was dark though so cut me a break . / I sure was glad there weren 't any attack dogs though . / / Sorry if that was creepy too . This happened about four years ago while on a trip in Hawaii . We stayed at this hotel on the big island , it was just a local hotel run by local people , not like a big fancy resort . I was with a few other people , and in this one room a few friends were staying in , weird things would happen every night . The radio would turn on and off , lights would turn on and off , etc . One night they claimed they saw a shadow of a man walking back and forth on the balcony , so the next night we all decided to stay in the room with them and check it out . That night , the shadow again reappeared on the curtains for the balcony . It walked back and forth , back and forth . We gather up our courage and went out onto the balcony . There was a shadow of a hand on of the balcony walls , just sitting there . My religious friend started saying some prayers , Our Fathers , Hail Marys , stuff like that . The hand got really agitated and started moving around the wall very fast and shaking . The same friend picked up a stick that had been laying on the balcony and hit the hand . It split into two separate shadows , then came back together to reform into a hand . At this point we were scared beyond words and ran back inside and closed the curtains . The shadow of the man paced back and forth the rest of the night . The next morning , we asked the owner of the hotel if anything strange happened in that room . The first thing he asked was if he had taken any lava rocks , as its legend that if you try to take lava rocks from the island , the volcano goddess Pele will NOT be pleased . He told stories of how people who have taken rocks sent them back because of strange things happening to them or really bad luck . No one claimed to have any rocks , and he could not come up with any other explanation . We left the hotel that day . True story . One night , at my then boyfriends house , we decided to play with a ouija board . We got in touch with a ghost named ethan , who showed himself to us . The lights were flickering and he knocked on the wall a few times . We talked to him for over an hour . He said there were several ghosts in the house , including 2 8 year olds . The backstory on the house is , Ethan built the house . He died in a car accident in the 80 's I think . He was middle aged . His wife died of cancer not long after , in the house . A woman shot herself in the bedroom . So right there , 3 probable ghosts . Ethan said his mom was there with him and his dog , zeke . All the ghosts in the house came in the room during the conversation , and showed themselves . By the end , my legs were like jello , and during our fingers were all tingling . It was a very odd experience . Now , prior to the Ouija board incident , I have seen and felt many things in this house before . All the spirits I have encountered there were friendly . Last night I met a new attic ghost that I didnt know before . She was pissed . I just felt angry energy in there while I was putting things up . It seems each ghost has a part of the house they stay in . The kids stay in the attic , there is a woman in the bedroom , a man in the hallway / dining room , another woman in the hallway / kitchen . I have seen things there . I get the feeling of being watched often . But its always in a friendly way . Oh i have another one , this one my mom told me . When she was little , she lived in an old house that used to be printing place or something like that . Everynight , under the kitchen table , a disembodied hand would appear and tap on the floor . She and her brother could see it from their bedroom . They would talk to it , and it would tap harder . One night , her brother threw a shoe at it and it disappeared for a while , then came back . Creepy . Not scary , just weird . . . My brother 's nephew was killed in a car crash this spring . They were going over 100 mph and hit a pole , and he died instantly , with injuries bad enough for the services to be closed - casket . One of the other passengers swears that the nephew was sitting beside him on the curb while they waited for the ambulance . Said nephew had two twin sisters who at the time were under 3 years old ; not old enough to have heard , let alone make up , talk of ghosts . One of them insists she saw her brother at the cemetery during the funeral service . CaptainSmartass : I and another guy called the number the next day . It turned out to be a church in Compton , and Rev . Green answered the call himself . When I told him that " Missy " was OK , he started crying . The little girl was his daughter . That is seriously creepy . unicron702 : Here 's mine , still freaks me out to this day , and scared the ever living shiat out of my friends when I told them . I 'm trying to fall back asleep , and wondering why I woke up to begin with , being a very deep sleeper . At this point , I hear shuffling . Whatever is making the sound , their are more than one of them . . . . * yadda yadda yadda * . . . I haven 't slept in that room since . Even now , the room is a playroom for MY kids , and I make my daughter walk out the room to talk to me , etc . I won 't go in . Oh please . Classic , CLASSIC Sleep Paralysis episode . Go educate yourself and your friends . I was six years old , and it was Christmas eve . My stupid parents didn 't give my brother and I any Christmas presents because ; a ) we were Jewish from my mom 's first marriage and my step dad was antisemitic , and b ) we got caught shop lifting in November and as punishment we had to pick out the presents we wanted and give them to a bunch of adopted retarded kids . So in the middle of the night on Christmas eve , the two of us got the idea to go back to the " special house " and take back our shiat , as it was rightfully ours and we were certain it would be as easy as taking candy from a retard . So we sneak out my bedroom window and walk over to the place . It had just snowed , and we didn 't want to leave prints , so rather than just climb in the open window , we went around the back to the basement entrance . Sometime after this whole ordeal went down , we found out that the building used to be some sort of asylum for lunatics , but at the time we had no idea . It really caught us off guard as we walked in the back , and there was a strange presence standing in the main hallway . About 6 ' 5 " and seemingly girthy , this bald and groaning mess of creature started ambling toward us at zombie pace . The Christmas tree under which " our " presents were wrapped was in the main intersection of hallways , just past the grip of the frightening beast . Having no experience in dealing with a specter , I followed my instincts and ran at the foul thing , throwing all of my weight into the collision , and sending the thing sprawling . My brother , meanwhile , grabbed our now beautifully wrapped gifts and as soon as I saw he had the loot , we took off as fast as our feet could carry us . I never did find out what it was , but I 'll never again return to the site , as the haunting ghost is surely still there , waiting . Also , I 'm pretty sure i slipped in some pee . . . felixecho : Not scary , but true . My roommate and I were putting groceries away in the kitchen . There was a pan lid on the stove . This pan lid moved to the middle of the stove . We both had seen it , and thought it was a mouse or something . She positioned herself to pick up the lid while I grabbed a fork . ( Was I planning to stab it ? ) Anyway , right before she could touch the lid , it slid forward again and turned while sliding until it reached the lower left corner of the stove . We looked at each other again , convinced there was something under there . We braced ourselves and my roommate grabbed the lid by the handle and lifted it up . There was nothing under there , or in the lid . I still can 't explain it . It isn 't scary , but it is puzzling . Was this after Julia Childs had died ? This aint a ghost story but it 's kind of weird . 3 years ago my grandma was dying of lung cancer . I was working in Chicago at the time during the week and would go home to see her during the weekend . I got a call in the middle of the week that she 'd passed away . That night my roommate and I went out to the bar across the street to have some drinks and talk . It had been a rough couple months and as bad as it was to lose her at least her suffering was over . We were sitting at a table away from the crowd in the corner by the window so we could talk about stuff that nobody else needed to hear . We were being entertained by watching this belligerant drunk at the bar who was a regular at this place . He looked like he was homeless . The guy was knocking down shot after shot of what looked like to be the house whiskey . He 'd do a shot and then slam his beer and waved his finger in a circular motion above his head and it looked like he shouted something that was almost like a battle cry of some sorts . We were sitting a ways away from him so we couldn 't really make out what he was saying . It was pretty comical . After about an hour or so of this he put his head down on the bar and fell asleep . The bar owners for some reason just left him be . I think they felt sorry for him . The beer began to flow with myself and my buddy and we had a good talk about life . He got up and went to take a leak . I was sitting there just watching the baseball game that was on and a really weird thing happened . The drunk guy picked his head up off the bar and walked over to me . He put his hand on my shoulder smiled and said very calmly and clearly " She 's doing fine now . Everything is alright " . Then he walked back to his spot at the bar put his head down and passed out in the same position he was in before . We finished another pitcher of beer and took off . He didn 't move an inch the rest of the time we were there . A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cup strawbury78 : JohDHJ : Move . There 's lots of weird things to happen in this house . One of my friends will not come back to visit me anymore . We bought another house that is a fixer - upper . Got it dirt cheap . I 'm afraid I 'll have future stories to tell , as it was once a funeral home . . . and there is a funeral home right next door to it now . I used to live in an old funeral home ! Beautiful building , really . The arches , the hardwood floors , the wood paneling , the french doors , the wall sconces , the weird trap door lift in the basement that went up into the great room , the electrical problem that made the lights flicker on and off rapidly fairly often and made sparks shoot out of the outlets from time to time . . . Well , at least I HOPE it was an electrical problem . Otherwise I might have to change my perception of things . / seriously Reposting from last years thread ( Thank you GendoIkari ! ) : I saw it ( him ? ) three times in my old Florida house . I was lying in my bed wide awake . I had finished reading , my coffee was empty , and my girlfriend was asleep next to me . It was dark , but I saw something move in the shadows off to the left of my bed . It was as if a patch of darkness had just suddenly ' stood up ' . I saw something about the size of a small boy , but seemed to be composed entirely of shadow . The shadow walked around to the foot of the bed , then turned it 's head and looked at me . I saw two glimmering points of red light where eyes would be . I briefly got the image of a small child , lost and confused , and a little angry . It just stood there and looked at me for a moment . The head seemed to tilt a little , as if it didn 't understand what it was seeing . Then it walked ahead around a corner , and into the master bathroom . The shower doors rattled . When my girlfriend woke up hours later , I was still awake . She wanted to know why I had showered in the middle of the night , and left the bathroom such a mess . There was water everywhere . I couldn 't answer her . That was the first time I saw him . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupIs it possible that there were vibrations from a large truck or a train going by nearby ? If there was water on the outside of the glass , a glass cup on a glass table , it could have moved on the water . Or it could have been a very thirsty ghost . Either way , creeepy . The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . NTidd : A few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch and turned to pick up my nearly full glass of water , it was sliding across the table at a steady pace , was the weirdest thing , I grabbed it just before it was going to fall off the table . I figured it was from the condensation or something but have had this table for more than 5 years and never had something like that happen . Any explanations to this ? It is a glass table and I checked to make sure it is actually level . / ghost cupAs long as it wasn 't TWO ghosts with one cup . . . I have a rental property that I was working on , when something happened that I can 't explain other that it was creepy . The house needed a furnace and plumbing . My friend , that does my heating and air conditioning , and I went into the basement to take some measurements . This is when we heard the front door open and someone walk across the wooden floor that had no carpet . I wasn 't concerned because a few people knew we would be there and it was real close to all of our houses . I yelled up that stairs to let ( I thought it was my brother ) them know where we were . No one answered , no one came down . Chris ( furnace guy ) and I decided to check it out . We went up stairs and looked around , the door was closed and no one was in the house . We both agreed that we were just hearing things , and went about our business . The next time I spent any real time there was after Chris had installed the furnace . My brother and I were installing the hot water tank and replacing the copper piping . This is when we heard what sounded like a basketball being dribbled across the floor , on the first floor . We both went upstairs to look around ; at this point I had totally forgotten the first noises I heard with Chris . No one was in the house , so we went out side , I am thinking that it is my buddy messing with me . We searched around the house but saw no one . I have to explain how the house is positioned . It faces a fairly busy street and has a sidewalk in front of it , but if anyone but the mailman was on that sidewalk you would be on alert , because it leads to nowhere . It is the last house on that side of the street , and it sits next to a steep overgrown hillside . There is a giant wall in front of the house that the city built in the twenties when they changed the elevation of the road . This adds privacy and like I said , unless someone is coming to that house they shouldn 't be on that sidewalk . So we went back to work , a tad on guard now . Some time goes by and we hear footsteps , loud footsteps heading toward the top of the basement door , then a rattMikeRaphon 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 24 PM Several years back , my girlfriend and I moved into an apartment in Centreville , VA . Maybe 200 yards from our apartment was a marker for the dividing line between North and South in the Civil War and a little monument describing the thousands of people who 'd died in that area during the war . When we moved in , of course the first thing we did was have the cable installed . The cable guy , for no good reason , rattles off this story about how he lives around the corner and thinks his townhouse is haunted ( can hear steps at night , feel a cold chill when he goes down the basement stairs , candle will flicker in the bedroom for no reason , feels like he 's being watched sometimes , etc ) . Anyway , it 's a compelling story and we 're talking about how we both believe in that kind of stuff , and nothing is impossible until proven so . Just kind of random conversation . . . When we moved in , we also brought a cat with us . We 'd moved with the cat before , and while it usually takes a few days to acclimate , it had never acted like this before . Immediately after moving in , it disappeared for days on end . . . just vanished . I 'd find it hiding in the cupboard under the sink . I 'd find it in the tightest spot behind my desk in the office . I 'd find it in the damnedest places and after days of looking . It never ate . It never used the litter box . This went on for about two to three weeks . Things started happening in the apartment too . After the cable was installed , my girlfriend called to tell me that she 'd be sitting on the couch watching TV with the remote on the coffee table , and the TV would suddenly start scrolling through the channels . She 'd set it back to what she was watching , set down the remote , and it would start scrolling through again . We had a glass coffee table , and there one day appeared a 10 inch scratch in the glass that we couldn 't account for ( cat was declawed and likely under the sink anyway ) . The final straw , I was at a buddy 's house and my gf called , totally freaked out . She 'd done a load of laundry and was cooking dishes when she hebusy chillin ' 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 17 : 25 PM szyska The house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrational A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night , when behind him he hears : BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Walking faster , he looks back and through the fog makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . Terrified , the man begins to run toward his home , the casket bouncing quickly behind him . FASTER . . . FASTER . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . . He runs up to his door , fumbles with his keys , opens the door , rushes in , slams and locks the door behind him . However , the casket crashes through his door , with the lid of the casket clapping . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . clappity - BUMP . . . on his heels , as the terrified man runs . Rushing upstairs to the bathroom , he locks himself in . His heart is pounding ; his head is reeling ; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps . With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door . Bumping and clapping toward him . The man screams and reaches for something , anything , but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup ! Desperate , he throws the cough syrup at the casket . . . and , ( hopefully you 're ready for this ! ! ! ) The coffin stops . Parts 2 & 3 , also reposted from last yer : Years passed before I saw him again . I was living alone now , same house , same bedroom . I had been happy before , but then she left , and I was alone . I guess I never completely felt alone though , because I still remembered that Dark Shape , and the Red Eyes . One night I woke up and heard my next door neighbors fighting . I couldn 't sleep because of them , so I just lay there , waiting for sleep to come again . I was looking at my stereo and listening to the CD I had put in to distract me ( The soundtrack to the anime ' Akira ' ) , when I saw him again . He rose up from the foot of my bed and looked around , almost curiously , as if he had been suddenly brought to a strange new place . It appeared then that he noticed me , and he seemed more scared of me than I was of him . He moved quickly away ( I hesitate to use the term ' ran ' - he just . . . moved ) , off out of my field of vision . I heard my door open . A minute later , my door creaked again , and he was back at the foot of my bed . He looked at me one more time , then dropped from view . He seemed sad , and confused . I saw him one more time after that . * * * Years passed . I 'm still in the same house , but now have a new woman living with me , my future wife . I had almost thought He was gone but then one winter night I saw him again . This time he walked into view on my side of the bed , appearing from the corner of the room . He stood there watching me . He looked at me , then at my fiancé , and back to me again . He seemed sad and alone , but he didn 't vanish like he had in the past . It was as if he wanted something . I moved closer to my fiancé , and waved him towards us , and patted the open spot in the bed . I murmured sleepily " It 's ok . You don 't have to be alone " . He seemed hesitant " Don 't be afraid . It 'll be alright " . I felt him curl up there . He seemed happy , comforted - and then he was gone . I never saw him again after that . I like to think he 's happy now , moved on to where ever it is we go . I 'm also not making up a word of this . Think of it what you will . Dreaetothepowerof3 2008 - 10 - 31 01 : 21 : 32 PM I lived in a house in Augusta , ME from 6th - 12th grade . It was single story , with a finished basement that I used as my bedroom during high school . Throughout the course of those 6 years , I would regularly see these " gold orbs " in the living room that would slowly float up in a straight path from the floor up through the ceiling . They always originated from the same spot on the floor . I 'd see one at least once a month , sometimes more . They were roughly the size of a large marble and glittery gold . This wasn 't something out of the corner of my eye , I could watch its entire path . It was truly bizarre . I 'd never spent much time in the basement before high school , but when I moved my bedroom down there ( directly below the living room ) , I started noticing these gold balls rising from floor to ceiling in exactly the same spot . It definitely wasn 't low - blood pressure sparkles , and it was almost always daylight when I saw them . Keep in mind , I am an avid skeptic . Grew up in an atheist household , and hold no belief in the paranormal at all . But I have never come up with an explanation for these orb things . If they had only been in the living room , it would have been easy enough to debunk as headlights from the road or something . But seeing them in the windowless basement as well , in precisely the same spot in the house , now that was just weird . Any ideas ? When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " busy chillin ' : szyskaThe house I live in was bulit in the 1840 's a creaks like a mofo . I know for sure over the 160 + year life of the house , 2 people have died in the room I sleep in . Two of the oldest " complete " grave yards in America are with in 5 minutes of the place and from what I 've heard , there 's an Indian burial ground on part of the property . F * ck all that sh * t ! ! / my irrational fear is irrationalEvery night around 2 am , if it 's loud enough , I hear this loud double tap . The door doesn 't stick , I know the sounds the house makes ; windows , mice in walls . . . etc . All the furniture is that cheap particle board stuff and won 't have the " depth " this noise has . One other time when I was way yonger , same room , I left my Legos all over the floor . That night I hear a sound like some one is walking through them while pushing the bricks aside . I had just finished reading my 3 - year old son a bedtime story . Seeing that he was asleep , I turned out his light and went into the next room to watch TV . About 5 minutes later , I hear him talking , so I walk into his room to remind him that 's it 's bedtime etc . etc . When I walk in , he 's sitting straight up in bed looking at the ceiling . I hear him say , " No , no , don 't . " and " Baby won 't know you then . " Figuring he 's having a bad dream , I gently wake him up , and hold him for a minute . He 's pretty tensed up at first , but he begins to relax , and as he closes his eyes , I ask who he was talking to . He answers , " Grandma . " He looks a little sad , but he goes back to sleep . At 4 ; 00 am that morning , I get the call from my sister that my mother is being taken to the hospital with no heartbeat . At 4 ; 40 am , I get the call saying she has been pronounced dead . My wife is 8 months pregnant with our " baby " who never met his grandmother . I 've asked my son ( who is now 14 years old ) if he remembers that night . He , of course , looks at me like I 'm crazy and says no . I sure as hell do , and so does my wife . I 'm glad my mom stopped by one last time to kiss him goodnight and say good by . This is not a ghost story , but still kind of freaky . I 've had at least two incidents of precognition in my life . The first time it happened , I was in high school . One night , I had a dream that I was in class and the teacher introduced a new student . She didn 't say his name in my dream but he looked exactly like the kid in the Omen movie . I woke up not really remembering the dream any more then any other dream . At school the next day , while sitting in the exact same class as in my dream , the teacher introduced a new student that was sitting in the front of the class . His name was Damien ! MOTHER farkER ! I almost flipped out in class trying to tell my friends that I had a dream about this the night before . Of course nobody believed me . Another time , I had a dream that a car crashed into the front of our house while my family was sleeping . I awoke in my dream and went outside to see that it was my neighbor that had crashed his car into the side of our house . All of a sudden , I woke ( in real life ) and heard a loud crash . My parents turned on the hallway light and headed to the front of the house where we found that a car had indeed crashed into the front of my house and it was the same neighbor from my dream ! ExJerseyGirl : When I was in college I lived in a house with a ghost . I remember hearing the door open and footsteps go across the floor . No one was there . Many other things happened there , but right now I am too creeped out by the thread to want to talk about it . And my sister and I used to have conversations where half of it was silent . We both clearly remember the last conversation we had like that : " You know , we need to stop this now . " ( This was not spoken out loud ) " Yes , I know . " And I had a friend I could occasionally connect with . We would play I 'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 . On good days the game would be " I 'm thinking of a number between i and 1000 . " " 68 ? " " Right . " I think you could get some kind of reward if you could prove that you and your sister could " hear " each others thoughts . nothing too creepy , but definitely weird . im in the air force , and i spent some time in korea this past year . the hallway i lived in was on the bottom floor , and drunk people would always turn off the light for some reason . eveytime i walked through the hallway , i could feel a malicious presence all around , and i got stronger as i approached a certain spot on the floor , with was right in front of the room next to mine . this spot was really strange , it was like someone held something above it and let it drip onto the floor , and swirled it around ( a bloody knife perhaps ? ) . but what really took the cake was when the light was off , i couldn 't feel the presence . so i decided to test this , i stood near the spot , and had someone turn the light off . once it got dark , it felt almost like when your in the car , and someone rolls all the windows up at the same time ; the air got really stiff , stagnant almost . my friend turned the light back on , and i felt the presence dissipate - - like rolling the windows back down - - and i heard a ringing in my ears , like someone screaming . . . my friend who turned the lights back on said he heard the noise too , but slightly after he 'd turned them on . . . i heard it immediately after . . . . also , my tv turned itself on a few times over that year . i had to get up and turn it off manually , because the remote was on the other side of the room . before the aforementioned experiment , i would just turn it off and go back to bed , assuming it was just the tv being weird or some jackhole had a universal remote . but afterwards , i could feel that same presence in my farking room as soon as i turned the tv back off . creeps me the farkout . timboalogo : TRUE STORYI used to have a watch back when I was 18 that my sister bought in Germany , a Seiko that showed a three letter abbreviation of the day of the week on the dial , next to the date . Late one Saturday , higher than a kite in my friends ' basement , watching SNL , I look at my watch and the day of the week says DIE in red letters . I positively freaked out . Never realized that at midnight the watch rolled through the German abbreviation before going to the English abbreviation SUN . . . Dope is for dopes . DIE would be Tuesday . . . . " Dienstag " $ 100 bass guitar vs . $ 700 bass guitar vs . $ 10 , 000 bass guitar . Can you tell the difference ? ( youtube . com ) » ( 24 comments )

It 's cherry blossom time again . The season when Washington DC turns into a gorgeous spring wonderland with white and soft pink blossoms envelop every inch of the trees . Walking the Tidal Basin just off of the Mall is a particular treat . The Japanese gave the trees to the US as a gift and they are stunning to behold . Seems to me that we always choose particularly cold days to go down and see them . One year it was miserable beyond description . We knew it would be cold and dressed for it . Maddie was about six months old , so she sat in the back of the double stroller in her carseat , snug as a bug in a rug . She napped the whole time . Ben was bundled up in two pairs of pants , a sweatshirt and a coat with gloves and a winter hat . Still , it was cold and the wind was nasty . We walked the entire circle that year and he was in a terrible mood . Not only was he really cold , he was incredibly tired and irritable . He cried as he was strapped down in the buckle of the stroller . At one point , I took my freezing cold fingers out of my gloves to snap a few pictures and fell behind Brian and the stroller a few paces . When I started walking again , I overheard a couple walking past me say , " Those parents are terrible . I can 't believe they would take their kid out in this weather and freeze him like that . " Of course , they had no idea I heard or that I was that poor abused kid 's mother . This year , the weather was windy , as it always is on the Tidal Basin , but pleasant temperatures . That made the day so much more enjoyable . We picked Brian up from work and drove to the Metro station to take the train in to town . Even if the kids were stinkers about getting good pictures , we really enjoyed the time playing there . We made the wise choice to only walk half way around that way , we all stayed happy . The kids were cute playing on the walk and despite their best efforts to look rotten in every picture , we still got a few cute ones . One of Ben 's favorite things was to see on the Tidal Basin was about 50 of those green port - a - johns in a row for all the cherry blossom festival goers . What can you say ? You take a kid to enjoy the blossoms and all of God 's beautiful creations and he only cares about the toilets . Oh yeah , as always , they both LOVED riding the metro train in . I know parents are bias . My kid will always be the nicest , kindest , funniest , cutest child in the world . You know , just like yours is . Honestly though , I 'm not sure why , but it had never occurred to me that Maddie might be smart until about a month ago . Not sure why . I guess I just never thought of it . When I finally noticed she was learning stuff , I mentioned it to Brian with amazement . I could tell by his response I was a little slow . In our " Church Bag " of quiet books and toys we take to church with us for the first hour of services where we 're together as a family , we have some puzzles . They happen to be much more difficult than I originally thought when I bought them . Ben and I have trouble putting them together sometimes . During the service , Maddie put them together mostly on her own . If I showed her the general region the piece might go , she would quickly place it without any trouble . I was dumbfounded . She seems to have a real aptitude for spacial things . Potty training is officially on hold . We haven 't tried in weeks and I honestly don 't care . It is so much less work right now to just change a morning and evening wet pull up ( actually she does that herself ) and one stinky one a day . No mad dashes to the bathroom , only to have urine dribble down her leg and all over the floor while Jacob screams from being hastily deposited on the floor in a panic . We haven 't removed the potty training items from the bathrooms though . Mistake . Now that our bathroom is so kid friendly ( motion sensing overhead light and faucet she can use herself ) Maddie can wash up after every meal all by herself . I LOVE IT ! ! ! So does she . We also have books in the main floor bath that sat on the counter for reading while we wait for Maddie to do her business . For a couple days , she would wash much longer than necessary , but whatever , right ? No one was crying . Everything is good . Or maybe not . I noticed the books laying flat on the counter rather than up against the wall . I picked them up and they were dripping wet . All I could do was shake my head and dry them out . When questioned about how the books got all wet , she had a totally logical explanation . " Horton needs a bath . I got him a BATH ! ! ! " she exclaimed with glee . Horton wasn 't too bad , but his book cover was destroyed and some of it still remains on the front of the book that I need to scrap off . Winnie the Pooh didn 't fare quite as well . He doesn 't even approach closing anymore . But , I 'm really glad that Horton the elephant is clean now . Check one more thing off my " To Do " list . Posted by My friend Lori was over today visiting with me . Ben was in the living room with us and left to use the bathroom . After he washed his hands he headed up the stairs and called down to me that he had to change . When he returned to the living room with us , he made a point to go tell Lori , " I had to go change my pants AND my underwear because they got wet when I was using the bathroom . " I know it wasn 't an accident . Take that one off the list right off the bat . I was making grilled cheese sandwiches at the stove for our lunch . Maddie asked for a drink of water and went to the table with it . She climbed up on her chair and took a sip . Then she seemed enthralled with looking in the cup . She stood up and held it to her face for a while . Then she held her arm out away from her , over the table and dumped the entire cup on the table . WHAT WAS SHE THINKING ? ? ? ? I 've had it . I am so glad Jacob was sleeping ( despite their most valiant efforts to ruin his naps and waking him three times in four hours , totally destroying my morning and wasting my time trying to resettle him over and over ) . Since he was down , I was free to deal with the situation in a level headed manner . I asked her why she dumped the water . " Because I like to dump water , " came the reply . I gave her a rag and made her clean it up as best she could . Then I helped get the rest and sent her to time out , a place she spends about half her day . She 's already been in time out multiple times today and it 's only noon . It just doesn 't phase her . Time out is worthless with this child . She goes willingly . Happily actually . Then she waits until I come to talk and release her . She gives me a hug and smiles as she says sorry and toddles off to wreak havoc again . I know with Ben there was a period of about six months maybe that it felt he was in time out all the time too . It 's just that it made a difference and had an effect on him . He hated to be removed from the action or taken away from his toys . It was a punishment to him . Maddie seems to think with simply interupt one fun game with another funny game called " Time Out " where she gets to wiggle her legs on the stairs and give mom a hug before we return to our original fun games . I have been listening to a great talk rebroadcast online from my MOPS group . It was fantastic . Amazing . Inspiring . She ends her speach by saying something like , " you mothers are doing the most improtant job in the entire world . " Ben picked up on the " most important job in the entire world " part and asked me , " What is the most important job in the world ? " I told him it was to be a mother . He responded , " Yeah , it 's pretty important , but it isn 't really fun . It sure is boring to be a mom . " It made me laugh . Last night Jacob saw fit to awake and demand feeding every single hour except 2 am . I was asleep around 11pm , but woke in the 12 , 1 , 3 , 4 , 5 , and 6 o ' clock hours . I am so totally exhausted . After I had him fed and snuggled back in his bed following the 5 am feeding , I flopped my tired body down again in my cold bed . Before I had even dozed off , I heard Maddie Mae arrise and come to our door . She must have thought it was still near bedtime rather than 5 am , because she didn 't come in . Instead she flopped her body down just at the edge of the doorframe and began to wail . I poked Brian to offer him a turn so I could sleep . He tried . He really did . But at 5 am when an irrational two year old is yelling , " I want Mama ! " you just cave because all you really care about is getting them to shut up so you can get two minutes of much needed sleep . He let her down and I hauled her up from the floor , over my body and put her between us . She made me cuddle her so she could relax and sleep . That meant I couldn 't relax and sleep with her hair in my face so I can 't breath . It makes me claustrophobic . Once Maddie was groggy enough , I gently removed my arm from underneath her and quickly flipped my body to face the other way and scooted my back to touch hers to fool her into thinking I was still right there . She startled and reached for me . When she felt me there , she dropped off again . Finally I could snooze . Less than an hour later , Brian had arisen and showered then went to calm a fussy Jacob . For twenty minutes he settled him only to have him cry again . I gave up . I could pretend to be sleeping as I wanted , but knew I would never sleep . I was on pins and needles wishing he would just go back to sleep . Better to cut my losses , go feed him and try to sleep after he was down again . As I stirred , Maddie asked to watch a movie . I told her to ask her Daddy because I had to help Jacob . We handed off Jacob and Brian sat on the couch to relax . Maddie came in and demanded a movie . We told her if she said " Please " she could have it . All we got was a tantrum . Instead of sleeping more I chose to shower . Something neglected for two days because Brian had been going to work earlier than I was getting up and I couldn 't quite manage to do that and care for the kids with their high maintenance needs in the mornings . Then Ben was up and it was time for breakfast . After feeding Jacob so much I was famished . I made nine scrambled eggs . One and a half for each of the big kids and ate the other six myself and was still hungry . Both kids have tantrumed all morning . I was grateful to drop Ben at preschool . I know he 'll have fun and I know he 'll behave . At home we run a high risk that I 'd just have to mediate fights all day . Maddie Mae finally agreed to eat her breakfast around 10 : 30 . Hopefully that will help her mood . I had Brian help me dose her up with pain / fever reliever before he left for work . I figured it was my only chance at sanity today . She must not feel well if she 's that rotten to be around . Before Brian left early for work today , I did just take a moment to confirm . It isn 't a holiday and ExxonMobil is not closed so he can stay home and help manage the troops . No luck . I 'm going to have to weather this storm alone in my weakened and sleep deprived state . Heaven help me . And it will . Jacob has decided to ban me from all computer use . I love to read and catch up on everyone else 's blogs and write my own and check my email and everything else computer . Unfortunately for me , Jacob is in that couple month long stage when naps aren 't totally predictable yet . He 's too old to just sleep all the time . Too young to be regular at sleeping in his crib . I end up holding him more than I should just to keep him from crying and making me nuts . My email backlog is approaching two weeks and it feels like 100 messages . I looked at my blog roll and hadn 't read another blog for 7 days . Yikes . That 's just not me . And it showed in my behavior this week . Not having any time to myself or for the things I want to do makes for one cranky Angie . Today at lunch I was asking Maddie about family relationships . " Who is Brian 's daughter ? " " Who is Angie ? " " Who is your brother ? " etc . We told her Ben was Brian 's son . She protested and explained . . . Maddie - SON . Okay . She got us there . Her name has a " son " in it and that 's just really gotta be confusing to a two year old mind . Yep . She 's Brian 's Maddie - SON . While editing the stake cultural event video this afternoon , Ben came in and sat on my bed to watch one of the videos . After it was done , he told me he " just needed to come up to your room to drop something . " I smiled , but was totally confused . Then he gave me hug and a kiss and headed out the door . As he left , he turned back to say , " You know about dropping stuff mom ? Like when we dropped off cookies at Natalie 's house . I just wanted to drop you a hug and a kiss . See ya . " In an attempt to keep Maddie engaged and talking so I didn 't " waste " her nap on the drive home from Ikea shopping in Woodbridge ( 30 minutes away ) I was asking her all sorts of wild and zany questions to keep her from dozing . When I ran out of questions I moved on to singing all the loud and wild songs I could think of . When I suggested we learn the Happy Birthday song so we would be ready to sing to Ben in a few weeks it started a huge excited chattering conversation where no one listened to anyone else . Maddie is planning to have about seven birthday cakes . They will all be decorated differently . We will have a Diego , Dora , teddy bear and many other random things that suited her tastes today . When I asked Ben what he wanted me to make on his cake , he reminded me that he was going to decorate his own cake and he had already informed me of this before . He won 't reveal the design of his cake , just said it will be a " really great surprise ! " So I 'm a little bit sad I won 't be able to make another cool cake for him . The best part of our conversation was still to come though . He told me that he would blow out his candles and make a wish . After a few minutes he further informed me that he was going to wish for all of his wishes to always come true . After another long pause , he told me that he knew how to make all his wishes come true . " You just have to do the thing you want . " Good call by Ben . You can do just about anything you set your mind too . You just have to try . I hope he always has that kind of internal drive ! How do you know your children love you - - I mean , how do you really know they love you ? They may tell you every day , but you can never be certain . . . Perhaps the only way to really know is to test their love . Angie decided to put Ben 's love to the test tonight . A year or so ago Angie purchased four sets of corn handles to help us hold our corn - on - the - cob while we eat it . Ben very quickly learned how to push the sharp ends of the handles into the end of corn and loves to use them to eat his corn . What made it even better was that one of the sets of handles came in his favorite color - - blue ! Well , purple is actually his absolute favorite , but he will tell you that blue is also his favorite . Tonight I cooked some corn - on - the - cob for dinner . When I brought the corn to the table , Ben quickly jumped up , exclaiming , " Ohhh , I know what will be perfect for this ! " He ran to the drawer , pulled out the corn handles and gave Angie the first choice between the colors - - blue , red , white or yellow . I looked up after Angie selected the blue handles and saw a sort of sly grin on her face as she waited for Ben 's response . She knew full well that Ben always chooses the blue handles , so she was testing him to see what his response would be . Ben thought for a second and then simply turned and asked me what color I wanted . Angie and I both knew at this point that Ben truly loved his mom as he was willing to sacrifice his favorite color to make her happy . At this point , Maddie jumped up and picked the yellow handles . Since yellow is not one of his favorite colors , Ben easily gave them up and offered me the two remaining pairs - - white and red . I knew that Ben had already sacrificed a lot for a four year old , so I asked him which color I should take . I was a little surprised when he stated red because I knew that was his next favorite color . However , he very quickly corrected himself and stated , " I mean , I will take the red . " He then handed me the white handles and we all enjoyed our corn . Ok , so we really do know our kids love us . How could we not know with all the great snuggles and the way they run around the house giggling when we come home from a meeting . Sometimes we just like to see how far that love will go . Tonight , Ben passed the test . Jacob feels left out of all the fun during meal time , so we have been using the Bumbo chair to let him join in the festivities . I set him in the middle of the kitchen table directly in front of me at eye level . Most of the time he really loves being eye to eye with us and the kids love being able to play with him while they eat . Lately though , he has been experimenting with what he can do with his little body . He stretches and bends until I 'm afraid he 'll pop out , flip backward and whack his little head . Might be time to abandon dinner time company and restrict his Bumbo time to the living room carpet again . Bummer for everyone . It was fun while it lasted . Ben has been anxious the last two days and has asked Maddie about a million times if she wants to come to his somersault classes . He keeps telling me how good he is and he really needs to teach her and his classes are free . I even got him to clean up the basement because they needed lots of space to have their lessons . Not only did Maddie not help him clean , she didn 't want lessons once they had space . Poor boy . Ben and I had another great date this morning . He needed a few summer clothes and there was a consignment sale down the street , so we went together so he could pick out something amazing to wear . He chose some soft shorts and a t - shirt with FIRE across the front . He loves it . We also found a pair of roller skates he 's been enjoying tons . He still won 't try roller skating down the sidewalk yet . He 's scared to fall , but he loves to do it in the house . This week I taught preschool and we learned about the letter " N " for our kindergarten readiness module . I couldn 't help but snicker a little bit . The letter N has some history in the Zufelt family . Apparently , Brian 's brother Brett wanted to pick some party games for one of his birthday parties in his younger years . Instead of Red Light , Green Light , he chose to make up his own game . He made the letter N with boards on the floor and the game was to jump over the N . There are pictures documenting this great game . I was quite excited to relive Brett 's favorite party game at preschool and get some pictures to show him . The kids enjoyed the game . Each time they jumped over the N they had to tell me something ( name of the letter , what sound it makes , a word that starts with N , etc . ) . They really had fun when they started getting silly and making a dog pile after they jumped over it . Thanks , Uncle Brett , for such a fantastic game idea . When I tell her to open her mouth a little with a pretty smile so I can see her teeth ? Yeah . She 's gonna be a heart breaker , we can already tell . Ten minutes later he was building on the floor in front of me with his wooden blocks . Jacob was chilling on the couch to my side and I was checking email from the laptop on the couch . Ben shot up to standing position like a bolt of lightening so I could see his head above the laptop screen . He said , " Oh . You were so still that I thought you were one of those guys that got shot . " How do I protect him from the news on the radio ? It 's not like we sit him at the tv to review the 6 o ' clock news . Ugh . How many times do parents tell their kids to pick up their toys before someone steps on them and gets hurt ? Oh , I 'd say about a bazillion . Ben always says he doesn 't think it 's a problem to have toys all over the ground because he never steps on them . Well , I do . And never the soft teddy bear type . Usually the hard / sharp plastic ones . It makes me so mad . Today it was proven to him that it might , just maybe , be a bad idea to leave toys all over the floor and especially on the stairs . After preschool at our house today he went back to the basement and as he went down the stairs , he SCREAMED at the top of his lungs . I asked what happened from upstairs . He yelled , " Wade and Hugh left all the little airport guys on the stairs and I stepped on them ! It really hurt ! " I admit my first reaction was happiness . Now he understands what I 've been telling him . I told him he 'd be fine and he told me that we shouldn 't leave toys on the stairs . Yep . You got it buddy . On an almost daily basis , I notice just how big Jacob is . It keeps blowing my mind . Really it does . Jacob turned 3 months a few days ago and I 've had to move him into 3 - 6 month clothes . I joked today that the outfit I put Jacob in to sleep tonight Ben wore when he was walking . Tonight I was cleaning out pictures from our hard drive and my jaw dropped to see this : Jacob 's current 3 month wardrobe is dominated by the outfits Ben wore at 8 and 9 months . Holy Cow ! ! The outfit in the last two pictures is the sleeper Jacob wore to bed tonight . Yikes ! Jacob 's a big boy . I 'll have to get pictures when he wakes up of him in the outfits . Mother 's DayBen has been planning for Mother 's Day since the day after Mother 's Day last year . Somehow Brian must have made it so special and fun that he is anticipating it almost more than Christmas . He always is making me pictures and cards and telling me about what we could do to get ready and talking through getting flowers and always has ideas about what I might want to have as a present . Today he told me that he could go on a walk to find Mother 's Day flowers but he keeps having to wait to go get them " because they will just be dead on Mother 's Day if I get them today . " Smells Like GrandpaWe had house guests for five days . Our friend from Houston , Candy , and her dad , Jerry . Jerry had lovely accomodations in our basement on an air mattess so he could have some privacy . Like most men , he apparently wears cologne . Something Brian does not do . It gives me a headache if he has it on and I 'm not so sure he wore it before we met either . Anyway , after Jerry left to go see the sights in DC the second day , Ben went in the basement to get some toys and hollered up the stairs to me , " Mom , it smells like Grandpa Zufelt is down here . " I hope Grandpa Zufelt feels flattered that Ben remembers his scent . It sure made me chuckle . TreadmillToday during Maddie 's nap , Ben asked if he could exercise on " the big fold down machine in the basement " meaning the treadmill . I got him all set up with the safety cord on his shirt and walking shoes and supervised while he walked on the slowest setting for five minutes . I was surprised he did it so long . He really enjoyed it . I replied that maybe I would want to use it still . He said that would be okay . After 20 minutes he had come up with a better response . " I think when I 'm a grown up , you 'll be kind of older than me so you might just be dead . Then I can have the exercise machine because you won 't need it , because . . . . well . . . you 're just dead . " We had a fun time with Candy Booth and her dad , Jerry here in DC for a few days . She got a great casual family picture of us all . I wish I had picked Maddie an outfit instead of let her choose something zany with wild , unkept hair , but we take what we can get . Plus , we weren 't planning pictures . Maddie is two and a half years old . Plenty old enough to dress herself , in my opinion . Too many people baby their kiddos and do everything for them . I know someone that went to the pediatrician with their four year old and when the doc was going through that random checklist of skills the kid should have , the mother was floored that a four year old should be able to dress themselves . Seriously ? ? Her life must suck rocks . It would be like having a four year old infant . I am a firm believer that if you take the time up front to teach a skill , you will reap the rewards for a long , long time . A parents job is to teach their child . Therefore , I am well aware that teaching Maddie to dress herself will take a while . She 's been doing fantastic with her shirts for months . If I get it the right direction and set lightly on her head , she can get it on and get her arms in . Since we keep toying with potty training , she is getting good at pulling pants on . We moved to training pants from diapers last week , so we 've crossed that hurdle too . The last remaining obsticle to independence was getting access to her clothes . Ben refused to trade dressers with her . His is perfect . Small . Light weight drawers . Easy to open and close . Maddie has a huge , old antique dresser we got from grandparents when I was a little girl . It 's ancient and heavy . The bottom drawer is the only one she has a hope of opening and the two handles are too far apart for her two little arms to reach to pull the drawer out . Finally , I decided she could open it if I just taught her a little trick . For several days , instead of opening her drawer for her in the morning to choose her clothes , I would verbally instruct her to pull the left handle a little bit , then pull the right handle a little bit , now pull the other one , back and forth until it broke free and started to come out . Every time she pulled one side or the other and it moved just a tiny bit I 'd cheer and tell her she was doing a super amazing job ! ! She was always proud when it finally came open and her reward was picking her own clothes , which she is reveling in . Everything pink goes first . This morning we got breakfast and had no where to go so I didn 't push the kids and let them play in their pajamas for a while . Maddie went upstairs to play . Pretty soon , she came downstairs . She had taken her feet pajamas off by herself , opened her dresser and chosen a pinkish - purple pair of pants and got them on all by herself . She was so proud ! She came down and went straight to me and said , " Look Mom ! I did my pants all by myself ! " What a pleasant surprise . Apparently , the shirt was more than she could handle , but I 'll take it ! It 's fun to see your kids achieve new things and be proud of it too ! It made Maddie feel like a million bucks . Monday we got a big winter storm and several inches of snow . Tuesday was chilly and we had record breaking low temps over night . Wednesday the temperature was in the mid 30s and I didn 't wear a coat to run in and out of the house and car and stuff when doing errands . It was " comfortable " enough . Yesterday the temperature got into the 40s and it felt great . Today the weather was so nice that we went on a walk in the woods to visit the creek next to the house and throw some rocks in the water . By the end of the walk it felt so nice that I took off Jacobs coat and he just had long pants and shirt . He really enjoyed the walk in the woods , as did the other two kids . Many rocks have a new home this afternoon in the water . The kids love throwing rocks . We took treasure bags to pick up all the great things they found and I collected round rocks for my preschool lesson . All I know so far is that we have to paint them gold . Not sure the point yet , I 'll have to study the lesson . We are LOVING that we can get out of the house now . The weather is so inviting . Blossoms are beginning to show and will be in full bloom in just a few short weeks . The Cherry Blossom Festival starts in just three short weeks . We love the Tidal Basin in April . The weather is inviting outside and we are taking advantage of it . Tomorrow we are going to Monticello to visit the Thomas Jefferson Estate and it will be 72 degrees . Life is good . We 're in that terrible stage with Maddie that I HATE . She is highly verbal and has been speaking in complete sentences for almost a year already . I find myself expecting more out of her sometimes than is reasonable . The thing driving me nuts right now is that she hasn 't yet wrapped her mind around the meaning of the word " why . " I wish she 'd hurry up and learn what " why " means so she can answer my questions and we can logic out why she is making bad choices . Of course , that would work , right ? My other thought is that I am insane . Isn 't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result ? Why do I even ask Maddie " why " ? It 's just a waste of my time anyway . Once I was laying in my bed and mom and dad were in their bed . And I sat up in my bed and I said a prayer and asked , cause I had some coughs , God if he could help the coughs go away . And it worked . I just had two more coughs and then they were gone . About two weeks ago I decided I 'd had enough of the stinky diapers from Maddie . She knew what she was doing and was deciding not to use the toilet . We started some tough love potty training with the natural consequence of a cold bath ( rinsing her bum ) when she pooped in her diaper . After six days we hadn 't had a single success . Saturday night I was thinking as I lay in bed after Brian had drifted off to sleep about the situation . The impression came with power then that I needed to stop my plan . Now was not the right time and cold baths were not the right approach for this child in this moment . I was struck with the urgency of the feelings . I couldn 't shake the feeling and after a while I pulled myself out of bed and began to pray about what to do . While I think my method is an acceptable way to handle the problem , I know that it is not right for this child at this time . I will always wonder what the reason was . Is it because she physically isn 't ready ( her muscles can 't do it yet ) , is it the wrong time for me to handle it as an adult ( let 's face it , potty training is rough on parents and their patience level ) , was she feeling demeaned and humiliated because of the way I was handling the situation ( that could have significant consequences beyond potty training ) or something else ? So I quit . No more cold baths . Not now . No more words about it . Ever . She has regressed back to peeing in her diaper too and almost never using the potty . I 've let it go for now . I know it is the right thing for Maddie . Today though , I 'm thinking about my experience . God knows my children better than I ever will . He can see their tender , sweet hearts and can guide me to teach and nurture them in the best way for each child as an individual . I think what I learned two things : 1 . Listen to the promptings I am given , God will show me the best things in the right moments . Then obey his direction even when you don 't know why . 2 . If I fail to pray and study the scriptures every day , it extends beyond myself . I am doing a huge disservice to my children . They need me to be in tune with the direction God is sending to me for them . It is so much bigger than me . My kids need me to be connected to God . Shon pretty much summed up the camping trip perfectly . When we were leaving , Kristie said she would never come back to that beach again in her life . She was so scared it was funny . At 4 am she made Anthony drive off the beach onto the pavement by the bathrooms because she was afraid she would get stuck . Keep in mind that she didn 't care if WE got stuck and the sand where you drive was hard as a rock . I laughed at her . Kristie also got something in her eye , probably sand . It cut the eyeball or something in the white part and she was hurting pretty bad . I told her I would get my sister , Nurse Kristie , to help her out . Nurses can fix anything . Ben loved the sand and hated the water . I don 't blame him though . The water was pretty cold . Anthony and Emily are the only ones who actually got in that I remember . Spring Break is just around the corner . Which means it is almost the anniversary of our family camping trip in a hurricane in Corpus Christi , Texas . Ahhh . . . the memories . Well I am sure you will get different versions of the Robinson , Zufelt , Moeller camping trip but here is a little bit about our adventure . We went to a place called Mustang Island State Park which is on a barrier island just outside of Corpus Christi , Texas . It is about a 5 hour drive from our house there . My family got there about 5 : 30 on Friday night and we chose our campsite . The campground facilities consisted of a picnic table ( not everyone had one but we did ! ! ! ! ! ) , a garbage can , and a port - a - potty every 300 yards along the beach . We just drove straight onto the beach and we camped between the sand dune and ocean . There was about 50 yards between the water and dune . The wind was blowing pretty hard so we parked the van to break the wind and got the tent set up . By the time the tent was up it was dark and we all were totally full of sand from the crazy wind . Sarah and Abby were wrecks because the kids stayed in the van so they wouldn 't get sand in every crevas and cry from the wind blowing it in their eyes . It was kind of frustrating to get there to the beach after a 5 hour car ride only to be foiled by the wind . Once the tent was up we put Abby and Sarah to bed . Juli and I ate " sand " wiches and looked at each other like we were idiots for not packing right back up and going home . The wind did die down after about 8 : 00 and it was actually a pleasant evening . Everyone else went to bed while Bryce and I went to get Angie and Kristie 's families . They showed up at about 10 : 00 and set up their tents . Then we went to bed . Saturday started out as a very nice day . We spent the morning and early afternoon at the beach . The kids built sandcastles , flew kites , caught clams and crabs , played Frisbee , played in the sand etc . They had an absolute ball . Anthony even went boogie boarding . Abby loved the sand . She had a good time walking in it and digging and playing with it . She was a very dirty girl most of the time . Angie and Brian made a very nice breakfast of bacon and eggs and muffins . Then my family made hoagie sandwiches for lunch . After Ben and Abby had a nap we drove to the USS Lexington . It is a WWII aircraft carrier that is now a museum in Corpus Christi . We took a ferry across from the island to another island and then a bridge across to the mainland . It was pretty impressive to go through the Lexington . We went up to the " island " where the ship is controlled , all around on the flight deck where there were ~ 15 different airplanes and helicopters . We also went down in the ship to the engine room , the dentist office , the chapel , the post office , the barber shop , the hospital , the mission briefing room , the war room ( command center ) , captains room , the emergency room ( fire and hazmat stuff ) , the hanger , the cafeteria , the room where they filmed some of pearl harbor , etc , etc . It was pretty amazing to think that in 1944 they built that ship without computers and it was so technologically advanced . Anyway the kids enjoyed it and were tired after walking miles and miles . When we were done it looked like it might rain so we decided not to cook dinner in the rain and went to Outback Steakhouse . Boy did it ever rain while we were eating . There were tornado warnings on the TV 's in the restaurant , hail and lightning etc not to mention the torrential downpour . After it cleared up we headed back to the beach . When we got there it wasn 't raining too hard . K & A 's tent was upside down and some of the poles had come out of ours but B & A 's and ours for the most part were fine . K & A took down their tent and slept in their car . Brian and Angie slept tAt about midnight we finally got pretty well arranged and slept for a while . Juli , Emily , Sarah and Abby were sleeping in the tent ( they were the comfortable ones ) with me and Bryce cramped in the van . Have you ever slept on a 4 foot bench ? At about 3 or so in the morning I woke up to tons of lightning but it wasn 't raining . I noticed that Angie and Brian 's tent was gone but their car and K & A 's car were both still there . Everyone had moved into their cars . It was like it was constant lightning and the sky was just always bright . I also saw that the wind had picked up a lot . I ran in to the tent and told Juli we should probably move them all back into the van . By the time I got to the tent and grabbed Sarah it was pouring rain and the tent was getting pounded by the wind . I carried Sarah and then Emily back to the van and threw them in . Then we grabbed Abby and Juli came . Now , all 6 of us were wide awake inside the van watching the tent get pounded . Juli suggested we go put the poles down so at least the tent didn 't break . I thought that since the tent had made it through that first storm alright while we were at dinner it would be fine , so I didn 't go do it ( I also didn 't want to get any wetter ) . Then the wind really started blowing and I decided I probably should go let it down . Just about then I heard 2 loud pops and the tent poles broke . Oh well I guess I will listen better next time to what Juli says . Now we were in a really fun situation . Everyone was in their cars ready to go except our family . We had a broken 10 man tent with stuff in it ( pack and play 4 air mattresses , duffel bags , etc . ) sitting on the beach and there was no way to get that thing in the van too . It was also quite obvious that we were not going to get any more sleep with us all crammed like that in the van . The smart decision was going to be to just head home . How are you supposed to roll a loaded tent up , through it in the van and take off ? We waited until the rain died down a little ( not stopped raining just stopped sideways raining ) andAfter we got packed up we drove to the other side of the sand dunes where there was a shower and bathroom . Everyone went to the bathroom and I changed my clothes ( somehow our clothes bag was not packed at the bottom of the van ) and I found DRY clothes ! There are little miracles . We then drove home leaving at ~ 5 in the morning arriving home in Houston to crash about 10AM . Our garage and back yard are like clothes lines . Mom : " No . We probably don 't really need whatever they are trying to sell us . All we really need in our family is food , a house and love . Right guys ? " Tonight as Brian headed out with the older two kids to help a friend move a couch ( the curse or blessing afforded every individual that purchases a truck ) he handed me Jacob . He told me he was hungry but needed a diaper change first . I shrugged . Seems like I just changed him , so I fed him first . Now I sit nursing with very soggy pants ( mine and his ) . Should have listened to Brian . He was right .

It 's cherry blossom time again . The season when Washington DC turns into a gorgeous spring wonderland with white and soft pink blossoms envelop every inch of the trees . Walking the Tidal Basin just off of the Mall is a particular treat . The Japanese gave the trees to the US as a gift and they are stunning to behold . Seems to me that we always choose particularly cold days to go down and see them . One year it was miserable beyond description . We knew it would be cold and dressed for it . Maddie was about six months old , so she sat in the back of the double stroller in her carseat , snug as a bug in a rug . She napped the whole time . Ben was bundled up in two pairs of pants , a sweatshirt and a coat with gloves and a winter hat . Still , it was cold and the wind was nasty . We walked the entire circle that year and he was in a terrible mood . Not only was he really cold , he was incredibly tired and irritable . He cried as he was strapped down in the buckle of the stroller . At one point , I took my freezing cold fingers out of my gloves to snap a few pictures and fell behind Brian and the stroller a few paces . When I started walking again , I overheard a couple walking past me say , " Those parents are terrible . I can 't believe they would take their kid out in this weather and freeze him like that . " Of course , they had no idea I heard or that I was that poor abused kid 's mother . This year , the weather was windy , as it always is on the Tidal Basin , but pleasant temperatures . That made the day so much more enjoyable . We picked Brian up from work and drove to the Metro station to take the train in to town . Even if the kids were stinkers about getting good pictures , we really enjoyed the time playing there . We made the wise choice to only walk half way around that way , we all stayed happy . The kids were cute playing on the walk and despite their best efforts to look rotten in every picture , we still got a few cute ones . One of Ben 's favorite things was to see on the Tidal Basin was about 50 of those green port - a - johns in a row for all the cherry blossom festival goers . What can you say ? You take a kid to enjoy the blossoms and all of God 's beautiful creations and he only cares about the toilets . Oh yeah , as always , they both LOVED riding the metro train in . I know parents are bias . My kid will always be the nicest , kindest , funniest , cutest child in the world . You know , just like yours is . Honestly though , I 'm not sure why , but it had never occurred to me that Maddie might be smart until about a month ago . Not sure why . I guess I just never thought of it . When I finally noticed she was learning stuff , I mentioned it to Brian with amazement . I could tell by his response I was a little slow . In our " Church Bag " of quiet books and toys we take to church with us for the first hour of services where we 're together as a family , we have some puzzles . They happen to be much more difficult than I originally thought when I bought them . Ben and I have trouble putting them together sometimes . During the service , Maddie put them together mostly on her own . If I showed her the general region the piece might go , she would quickly place it without any trouble . I was dumbfounded . She seems to have a real aptitude for spacial things . Potty training is officially on hold . We haven 't tried in weeks and I honestly don 't care . It is so much less work right now to just change a morning and evening wet pull up ( actually she does that herself ) and one stinky one a day . No mad dashes to the bathroom , only to have urine dribble down her leg and all over the floor while Jacob screams from being hastily deposited on the floor in a panic . We haven 't removed the potty training items from the bathrooms though . Mistake . Now that our bathroom is so kid friendly ( motion sensing overhead light and faucet she can use herself ) Maddie can wash up after every meal all by herself . I LOVE IT ! ! ! So does she . We also have books in the main floor bath that sat on the counter for reading while we wait for Maddie to do her business . For a couple days , she would wash much longer than necessary , but whatever , right ? No one was crying . Everything is good . Or maybe not . I noticed the books laying flat on the counter rather than up against the wall . I picked them up and they were dripping wet . All I could do was shake my head and dry them out . When questioned about how the books got all wet , she had a totally logical explanation . " Horton needs a bath . I got him a BATH ! ! ! " she exclaimed with glee . Horton wasn 't too bad , but his book cover was destroyed and some of it still remains on the front of the book that I need to scrap off . Winnie the Pooh didn 't fare quite as well . He doesn 't even approach closing anymore . But , I 'm really glad that Horton the elephant is clean now . Check one more thing off my " To Do " list . Posted by My friend Lori was over today visiting with me . Ben was in the living room with us and left to use the bathroom . After he washed his hands he headed up the stairs and called down to me that he had to change . When he returned to the living room with us , he made a point to go tell Lori , " I had to go change my pants AND my underwear because they got wet when I was using the bathroom . " I know it wasn 't an accident . Take that one off the list right off the bat . I was making grilled cheese sandwiches at the stove for our lunch . Maddie asked for a drink of water and went to the table with it . She climbed up on her chair and took a sip . Then she seemed enthralled with looking in the cup . She stood up and held it to her face for a while . Then she held her arm out away from her , over the table and dumped the entire cup on the table . WHAT WAS SHE THINKING ? ? ? ? I 've had it . I am so glad Jacob was sleeping ( despite their most valiant efforts to ruin his naps and waking him three times in four hours , totally destroying my morning and wasting my time trying to resettle him over and over ) . Since he was down , I was free to deal with the situation in a level headed manner . I asked her why she dumped the water . " Because I like to dump water , " came the reply . I gave her a rag and made her clean it up as best she could . Then I helped get the rest and sent her to time out , a place she spends about half her day . She 's already been in time out multiple times today and it 's only noon . It just doesn 't phase her . Time out is worthless with this child . She goes willingly . Happily actually . Then she waits until I come to talk and release her . She gives me a hug and smiles as she says sorry and toddles off to wreak havoc again . I know with Ben there was a period of about six months maybe that it felt he was in time out all the time too . It 's just that it made a difference and had an effect on him . He hated to be removed from the action or taken away from his toys . It was a punishment to him . Maddie seems to think with simply interupt one fun game with another funny game called " Time Out " where she gets to wiggle her legs on the stairs and give mom a hug before we return to our original fun games . I have been listening to a great talk rebroadcast online from my MOPS group . It was fantastic . Amazing . Inspiring . She ends her speach by saying something like , " you mothers are doing the most improtant job in the entire world . " Ben picked up on the " most important job in the entire world " part and asked me , " What is the most important job in the world ? " I told him it was to be a mother . He responded , " Yeah , it 's pretty important , but it isn 't really fun . It sure is boring to be a mom . " It made me laugh . Last night Jacob saw fit to awake and demand feeding every single hour except 2 am . I was asleep around 11pm , but woke in the 12 , 1 , 3 , 4 , 5 , and 6 o ' clock hours . I am so totally exhausted . After I had him fed and snuggled back in his bed following the 5 am feeding , I flopped my tired body down again in my cold bed . Before I had even dozed off , I heard Maddie Mae arrise and come to our door . She must have thought it was still near bedtime rather than 5 am , because she didn 't come in . Instead she flopped her body down just at the edge of the doorframe and began to wail . I poked Brian to offer him a turn so I could sleep . He tried . He really did . But at 5 am when an irrational two year old is yelling , " I want Mama ! " you just cave because all you really care about is getting them to shut up so you can get two minutes of much needed sleep . He let her down and I hauled her up from the floor , over my body and put her between us . She made me cuddle her so she could relax and sleep . That meant I couldn 't relax and sleep with her hair in my face so I can 't breath . It makes me claustrophobic . Once Maddie was groggy enough , I gently removed my arm from underneath her and quickly flipped my body to face the other way and scooted my back to touch hers to fool her into thinking I was still right there . She startled and reached for me . When she felt me there , she dropped off again . Finally I could snooze . Less than an hour later , Brian had arisen and showered then went to calm a fussy Jacob . For twenty minutes he settled him only to have him cry again . I gave up . I could pretend to be sleeping as I wanted , but knew I would never sleep . I was on pins and needles wishing he would just go back to sleep . Better to cut my losses , go feed him and try to sleep after he was down again . As I stirred , Maddie asked to watch a movie . I told her to ask her Daddy because I had to help Jacob . We handed off Jacob and Brian sat on the couch to relax . Maddie came in and demanded a movie . We told her if she said " Please " she could have it . All we got was a tantrum . Instead of sleeping more I chose to shower . Something neglected for two days because Brian had been going to work earlier than I was getting up and I couldn 't quite manage to do that and care for the kids with their high maintenance needs in the mornings . Then Ben was up and it was time for breakfast . After feeding Jacob so much I was famished . I made nine scrambled eggs . One and a half for each of the big kids and ate the other six myself and was still hungry . Both kids have tantrumed all morning . I was grateful to drop Ben at preschool . I know he 'll have fun and I know he 'll behave . At home we run a high risk that I 'd just have to mediate fights all day . Maddie Mae finally agreed to eat her breakfast around 10 : 30 . Hopefully that will help her mood . I had Brian help me dose her up with pain / fever reliever before he left for work . I figured it was my only chance at sanity today . She must not feel well if she 's that rotten to be around . Before Brian left early for work today , I did just take a moment to confirm . It isn 't a holiday and ExxonMobil is not closed so he can stay home and help manage the troops . No luck . I 'm going to have to weather this storm alone in my weakened and sleep deprived state . Heaven help me . And it will . Jacob has decided to ban me from all computer use . I love to read and catch up on everyone else 's blogs and write my own and check my email and everything else computer . Unfortunately for me , Jacob is in that couple month long stage when naps aren 't totally predictable yet . He 's too old to just sleep all the time . Too young to be regular at sleeping in his crib . I end up holding him more than I should just to keep him from crying and making me nuts . My email backlog is approaching two weeks and it feels like 100 messages . I looked at my blog roll and hadn 't read another blog for 7 days . Yikes . That 's just not me . And it showed in my behavior this week . Not having any time to myself or for the things I want to do makes for one cranky Angie . Today at lunch I was asking Maddie about family relationships . " Who is Brian 's daughter ? " " Who is Angie ? " " Who is your brother ? " etc . We told her Ben was Brian 's son . She protested and explained . . . Maddie - SON . Okay . She got us there . Her name has a " son " in it and that 's just really gotta be confusing to a two year old mind . Yep . She 's Brian 's Maddie - SON . While editing the stake cultural event video this afternoon , Ben came in and sat on my bed to watch one of the videos . After it was done , he told me he " just needed to come up to your room to drop something . " I smiled , but was totally confused . Then he gave me hug and a kiss and headed out the door . As he left , he turned back to say , " You know about dropping stuff mom ? Like when we dropped off cookies at Natalie 's house . I just wanted to drop you a hug and a kiss . See ya . " In an attempt to keep Maddie engaged and talking so I didn 't " waste " her nap on the drive home from Ikea shopping in Woodbridge ( 30 minutes away ) I was asking her all sorts of wild and zany questions to keep her from dozing . When I ran out of questions I moved on to singing all the loud and wild songs I could think of . When I suggested we learn the Happy Birthday song so we would be ready to sing to Ben in a few weeks it started a huge excited chattering conversation where no one listened to anyone else . Maddie is planning to have about seven birthday cakes . They will all be decorated differently . We will have a Diego , Dora , teddy bear and many other random things that suited her tastes today . When I asked Ben what he wanted me to make on his cake , he reminded me that he was going to decorate his own cake and he had already informed me of this before . He won 't reveal the design of his cake , just said it will be a " really great surprise ! " So I 'm a little bit sad I won 't be able to make another cool cake for him . The best part of our conversation was still to come though . He told me that he would blow out his candles and make a wish . After a few minutes he further informed me that he was going to wish for all of his wishes to always come true . After another long pause , he told me that he knew how to make all his wishes come true . " You just have to do the thing you want . " Good call by Ben . You can do just about anything you set your mind too . You just have to try . I hope he always has that kind of internal drive ! How do you know your children love you - - I mean , how do you really know they love you ? They may tell you every day , but you can never be certain . . . Perhaps the only way to really know is to test their love . Angie decided to put Ben 's love to the test tonight . A year or so ago Angie purchased four sets of corn handles to help us hold our corn - on - the - cob while we eat it . Ben very quickly learned how to push the sharp ends of the handles into the end of corn and loves to use them to eat his corn . What made it even better was that one of the sets of handles came in his favorite color - - blue ! Well , purple is actually his absolute favorite , but he will tell you that blue is also his favorite . Tonight I cooked some corn - on - the - cob for dinner . When I brought the corn to the table , Ben quickly jumped up , exclaiming , " Ohhh , I know what will be perfect for this ! " He ran to the drawer , pulled out the corn handles and gave Angie the first choice between the colors - - blue , red , white or yellow . I looked up after Angie selected the blue handles and saw a sort of sly grin on her face as she waited for Ben 's response . She knew full well that Ben always chooses the blue handles , so she was testing him to see what his response would be . Ben thought for a second and then simply turned and asked me what color I wanted . Angie and I both knew at this point that Ben truly loved his mom as he was willing to sacrifice his favorite color to make her happy . At this point , Maddie jumped up and picked the yellow handles . Since yellow is not one of his favorite colors , Ben easily gave them up and offered me the two remaining pairs - - white and red . I knew that Ben had already sacrificed a lot for a four year old , so I asked him which color I should take . I was a little surprised when he stated red because I knew that was his next favorite color . However , he very quickly corrected himself and stated , " I mean , I will take the red . " He then handed me the white handles and we all enjoyed our corn . Ok , so we really do know our kids love us . How could we not know with all the great snuggles and the way they run around the house giggling when we come home from a meeting . Sometimes we just like to see how far that love will go . Tonight , Ben passed the test . Jacob feels left out of all the fun during meal time , so we have been using the Bumbo chair to let him join in the festivities . I set him in the middle of the kitchen table directly in front of me at eye level . Most of the time he really loves being eye to eye with us and the kids love being able to play with him while they eat . Lately though , he has been experimenting with what he can do with his little body . He stretches and bends until I 'm afraid he 'll pop out , flip backward and whack his little head . Might be time to abandon dinner time company and restrict his Bumbo time to the living room carpet again . Bummer for everyone . It was fun while it lasted . Ben has been anxious the last two days and has asked Maddie about a million times if she wants to come to his somersault classes . He keeps telling me how good he is and he really needs to teach her and his classes are free . I even got him to clean up the basement because they needed lots of space to have their lessons . Not only did Maddie not help him clean , she didn 't want lessons once they had space . Poor boy . Ben and I had another great date this morning . He needed a few summer clothes and there was a consignment sale down the street , so we went together so he could pick out something amazing to wear . He chose some soft shorts and a t - shirt with FIRE across the front . He loves it . We also found a pair of roller skates he 's been enjoying tons . He still won 't try roller skating down the sidewalk yet . He 's scared to fall , but he loves to do it in the house . This week I taught preschool and we learned about the letter " N " for our kindergarten readiness module . I couldn 't help but snicker a little bit . The letter N has some history in the Zufelt family . Apparently , Brian 's brother Brett wanted to pick some party games for one of his birthday parties in his younger years . Instead of Red Light , Green Light , he chose to make up his own game . He made the letter N with boards on the floor and the game was to jump over the N . There are pictures documenting this great game . I was quite excited to relive Brett 's favorite party game at preschool and get some pictures to show him . The kids enjoyed the game . Each time they jumped over the N they had to tell me something ( name of the letter , what sound it makes , a word that starts with N , etc . ) . They really had fun when they started getting silly and making a dog pile after they jumped over it . Thanks , Uncle Brett , for such a fantastic game idea . When I tell her to open her mouth a little with a pretty smile so I can see her teeth ? Yeah . She 's gonna be a heart breaker , we can already tell . Ten minutes later he was building on the floor in front of me with his wooden blocks . Jacob was chilling on the couch to my side and I was checking email from the laptop on the couch . Ben shot up to standing position like a bolt of lightening so I could see his head above the laptop screen . He said , " Oh . You were so still that I thought you were one of those guys that got shot . " How do I protect him from the news on the radio ? It 's not like we sit him at the tv to review the 6 o ' clock news . Ugh . How many times do parents tell their kids to pick up their toys before someone steps on them and gets hurt ? Oh , I 'd say about a bazillion . Ben always says he doesn 't think it 's a problem to have toys all over the ground because he never steps on them . Well , I do . And never the soft teddy bear type . Usually the hard / sharp plastic ones . It makes me so mad . Today it was proven to him that it might , just maybe , be a bad idea to leave toys all over the floor and especially on the stairs . After preschool at our house today he went back to the basement and as he went down the stairs , he SCREAMED at the top of his lungs . I asked what happened from upstairs . He yelled , " Wade and Hugh left all the little airport guys on the stairs and I stepped on them ! It really hurt ! " I admit my first reaction was happiness . Now he understands what I 've been telling him . I told him he 'd be fine and he told me that we shouldn 't leave toys on the stairs . Yep . You got it buddy . On an almost daily basis , I notice just how big Jacob is . It keeps blowing my mind . Really it does . Jacob turned 3 months a few days ago and I 've had to move him into 3 - 6 month clothes . I joked today that the outfit I put Jacob in to sleep tonight Ben wore when he was walking . Tonight I was cleaning out pictures from our hard drive and my jaw dropped to see this : Jacob 's current 3 month wardrobe is dominated by the outfits Ben wore at 8 and 9 months . Holy Cow ! ! The outfit in the last two pictures is the sleeper Jacob wore to bed tonight . Yikes ! Jacob 's a big boy . I 'll have to get pictures when he wakes up of him in the outfits . Mother 's DayBen has been planning for Mother 's Day since the day after Mother 's Day last year . Somehow Brian must have made it so special and fun that he is anticipating it almost more than Christmas . He always is making me pictures and cards and telling me about what we could do to get ready and talking through getting flowers and always has ideas about what I might want to have as a present . Today he told me that he could go on a walk to find Mother 's Day flowers but he keeps having to wait to go get them " because they will just be dead on Mother 's Day if I get them today . " Smells Like GrandpaWe had house guests for five days . Our friend from Houston , Candy , and her dad , Jerry . Jerry had lovely accomodations in our basement on an air mattess so he could have some privacy . Like most men , he apparently wears cologne . Something Brian does not do . It gives me a headache if he has it on and I 'm not so sure he wore it before we met either . Anyway , after Jerry left to go see the sights in DC the second day , Ben went in the basement to get some toys and hollered up the stairs to me , " Mom , it smells like Grandpa Zufelt is down here . " I hope Grandpa Zufelt feels flattered that Ben remembers his scent . It sure made me chuckle . TreadmillToday during Maddie 's nap , Ben asked if he could exercise on " the big fold down machine in the basement " meaning the treadmill . I got him all set up with the safety cord on his shirt and walking shoes and supervised while he walked on the slowest setting for five minutes . I was surprised he did it so long . He really enjoyed it . I replied that maybe I would want to use it still . He said that would be okay . After 20 minutes he had come up with a better response . " I think when I 'm a grown up , you 'll be kind of older than me so you might just be dead . Then I can have the exercise machine because you won 't need it , because . . . . well . . . you 're just dead . " We had a fun time with Candy Booth and her dad , Jerry here in DC for a few days . She got a great casual family picture of us all . I wish I had picked Maddie an outfit instead of let her choose something zany with wild , unkept hair , but we take what we can get . Plus , we weren 't planning pictures . Maddie is two and a half years old . Plenty old enough to dress herself , in my opinion . Too many people baby their kiddos and do everything for them . I know someone that went to the pediatrician with their four year old and when the doc was going through that random checklist of skills the kid should have , the mother was floored that a four year old should be able to dress themselves . Seriously ? ? Her life must suck rocks . It would be like having a four year old infant . I am a firm believer that if you take the time up front to teach a skill , you will reap the rewards for a long , long time . A parents job is to teach their child . Therefore , I am well aware that teaching Maddie to dress herself will take a while . She 's been doing fantastic with her shirts for months . If I get it the right direction and set lightly on her head , she can get it on and get her arms in . Since we keep toying with potty training , she is getting good at pulling pants on . We moved to training pants from diapers last week , so we 've crossed that hurdle too . The last remaining obsticle to independence was getting access to her clothes . Ben refused to trade dressers with her . His is perfect . Small . Light weight drawers . Easy to open and close . Maddie has a huge , old antique dresser we got from grandparents when I was a little girl . It 's ancient and heavy . The bottom drawer is the only one she has a hope of opening and the two handles are too far apart for her two little arms to reach to pull the drawer out . Finally , I decided she could open it if I just taught her a little trick . For several days , instead of opening her drawer for her in the morning to choose her clothes , I would verbally instruct her to pull the left handle a little bit , then pull the right handle a little bit , now pull the other one , back and forth until it broke free and started to come out . Every time she pulled one side or the other and it moved just a tiny bit I 'd cheer and tell her she was doing a super amazing job ! ! She was always proud when it finally came open and her reward was picking her own clothes , which she is reveling in . Everything pink goes first . This morning we got breakfast and had no where to go so I didn 't push the kids and let them play in their pajamas for a while . Maddie went upstairs to play . Pretty soon , she came downstairs . She had taken her feet pajamas off by herself , opened her dresser and chosen a pinkish - purple pair of pants and got them on all by herself . She was so proud ! She came down and went straight to me and said , " Look Mom ! I did my pants all by myself ! " What a pleasant surprise . Apparently , the shirt was more than she could handle , but I 'll take it ! It 's fun to see your kids achieve new things and be proud of it too ! It made Maddie feel like a million bucks . Monday we got a big winter storm and several inches of snow . Tuesday was chilly and we had record breaking low temps over night . Wednesday the temperature was in the mid 30s and I didn 't wear a coat to run in and out of the house and car and stuff when doing errands . It was " comfortable " enough . Yesterday the temperature got into the 40s and it felt great . Today the weather was so nice that we went on a walk in the woods to visit the creek next to the house and throw some rocks in the water . By the end of the walk it felt so nice that I took off Jacobs coat and he just had long pants and shirt . He really enjoyed the walk in the woods , as did the other two kids . Many rocks have a new home this afternoon in the water . The kids love throwing rocks . We took treasure bags to pick up all the great things they found and I collected round rocks for my preschool lesson . All I know so far is that we have to paint them gold . Not sure the point yet , I 'll have to study the lesson . We are LOVING that we can get out of the house now . The weather is so inviting . Blossoms are beginning to show and will be in full bloom in just a few short weeks . The Cherry Blossom Festival starts in just three short weeks . We love the Tidal Basin in April . The weather is inviting outside and we are taking advantage of it . Tomorrow we are going to Monticello to visit the Thomas Jefferson Estate and it will be 72 degrees . Life is good . We 're in that terrible stage with Maddie that I HATE . She is highly verbal and has been speaking in complete sentences for almost a year already . I find myself expecting more out of her sometimes than is reasonable . The thing driving me nuts right now is that she hasn 't yet wrapped her mind around the meaning of the word " why . " I wish she 'd hurry up and learn what " why " means so she can answer my questions and we can logic out why she is making bad choices . Of course , that would work , right ? My other thought is that I am insane . Isn 't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result ? Why do I even ask Maddie " why " ? It 's just a waste of my time anyway . Once I was laying in my bed and mom and dad were in their bed . And I sat up in my bed and I said a prayer and asked , cause I had some coughs , God if he could help the coughs go away . And it worked . I just had two more coughs and then they were gone . About two weeks ago I decided I 'd had enough of the stinky diapers from Maddie . She knew what she was doing and was deciding not to use the toilet . We started some tough love potty training with the natural consequence of a cold bath ( rinsing her bum ) when she pooped in her diaper . After six days we hadn 't had a single success . Saturday night I was thinking as I lay in bed after Brian had drifted off to sleep about the situation . The impression came with power then that I needed to stop my plan . Now was not the right time and cold baths were not the right approach for this child in this moment . I was struck with the urgency of the feelings . I couldn 't shake the feeling and after a while I pulled myself out of bed and began to pray about what to do . While I think my method is an acceptable way to handle the problem , I know that it is not right for this child at this time . I will always wonder what the reason was . Is it because she physically isn 't ready ( her muscles can 't do it yet ) , is it the wrong time for me to handle it as an adult ( let 's face it , potty training is rough on parents and their patience level ) , was she feeling demeaned and humiliated because of the way I was handling the situation ( that could have significant consequences beyond potty training ) or something else ? So I quit . No more cold baths . Not now . No more words about it . Ever . She has regressed back to peeing in her diaper too and almost never using the potty . I 've let it go for now . I know it is the right thing for Maddie . Today though , I 'm thinking about my experience . God knows my children better than I ever will . He can see their tender , sweet hearts and can guide me to teach and nurture them in the best way for each child as an individual . I think what I learned two things : 1 . Listen to the promptings I am given , God will show me the best things in the right moments . Then obey his direction even when you don 't know why . 2 . If I fail to pray and study the scriptures every day , it extends beyond myself . I am doing a huge disservice to my children . They need me to be in tune with the direction God is sending to me for them . It is so much bigger than me . My kids need me to be connected to God . Shon pretty much summed up the camping trip perfectly . When we were leaving , Kristie said she would never come back to that beach again in her life . She was so scared it was funny . At 4 am she made Anthony drive off the beach onto the pavement by the bathrooms because she was afraid she would get stuck . Keep in mind that she didn 't care if WE got stuck and the sand where you drive was hard as a rock . I laughed at her . Kristie also got something in her eye , probably sand . It cut the eyeball or something in the white part and she was hurting pretty bad . I told her I would get my sister , Nurse Kristie , to help her out . Nurses can fix anything . Ben loved the sand and hated the water . I don 't blame him though . The water was pretty cold . Anthony and Emily are the only ones who actually got in that I remember . Spring Break is just around the corner . Which means it is almost the anniversary of our family camping trip in a hurricane in Corpus Christi , Texas . Ahhh . . . the memories . Well I am sure you will get different versions of the Robinson , Zufelt , Moeller camping trip but here is a little bit about our adventure . We went to a place called Mustang Island State Park which is on a barrier island just outside of Corpus Christi , Texas . It is about a 5 hour drive from our house there . My family got there about 5 : 30 on Friday night and we chose our campsite . The campground facilities consisted of a picnic table ( not everyone had one but we did ! ! ! ! ! ) , a garbage can , and a port - a - potty every 300 yards along the beach . We just drove straight onto the beach and we camped between the sand dune and ocean . There was about 50 yards between the water and dune . The wind was blowing pretty hard so we parked the van to break the wind and got the tent set up . By the time the tent was up it was dark and we all were totally full of sand from the crazy wind . Sarah and Abby were wrecks because the kids stayed in the van so they wouldn 't get sand in every crevas and cry from the wind blowing it in their eyes . It was kind of frustrating to get there to the beach after a 5 hour car ride only to be foiled by the wind . Once the tent was up we put Abby and Sarah to bed . Juli and I ate " sand " wiches and looked at each other like we were idiots for not packing right back up and going home . The wind did die down after about 8 : 00 and it was actually a pleasant evening . Everyone else went to bed while Bryce and I went to get Angie and Kristie 's families . They showed up at about 10 : 00 and set up their tents . Then we went to bed . Saturday started out as a very nice day . We spent the morning and early afternoon at the beach . The kids built sandcastles , flew kites , caught clams and crabs , played Frisbee , played in the sand etc . They had an absolute ball . Anthony even went boogie boarding . Abby loved the sand . She had a good time walking in it and digging and playing with it . She was a very dirty girl most of the time . Angie and Brian made a very nice breakfast of bacon and eggs and muffins . Then my family made hoagie sandwiches for lunch . After Ben and Abby had a nap we drove to the USS Lexington . It is a WWII aircraft carrier that is now a museum in Corpus Christi . We took a ferry across from the island to another island and then a bridge across to the mainland . It was pretty impressive to go through the Lexington . We went up to the " island " where the ship is controlled , all around on the flight deck where there were ~ 15 different airplanes and helicopters . We also went down in the ship to the engine room , the dentist office , the chapel , the post office , the barber shop , the hospital , the mission briefing room , the war room ( command center ) , captains room , the emergency room ( fire and hazmat stuff ) , the hanger , the cafeteria , the room where they filmed some of pearl harbor , etc , etc . It was pretty amazing to think that in 1944 they built that ship without computers and it was so technologically advanced . Anyway the kids enjoyed it and were tired after walking miles and miles . When we were done it looked like it might rain so we decided not to cook dinner in the rain and went to Outback Steakhouse . Boy did it ever rain while we were eating . There were tornado warnings on the TV 's in the restaurant , hail and lightning etc not to mention the torrential downpour . After it cleared up we headed back to the beach . When we got there it wasn 't raining too hard . K & A 's tent was upside down and some of the poles had come out of ours but B & A 's and ours for the most part were fine . K & A took down their tent and slept in their car . Brian and Angie slept tAt about midnight we finally got pretty well arranged and slept for a while . Juli , Emily , Sarah and Abby were sleeping in the tent ( they were the comfortable ones ) with me and Bryce cramped in the van . Have you ever slept on a 4 foot bench ? At about 3 or so in the morning I woke up to tons of lightning but it wasn 't raining . I noticed that Angie and Brian 's tent was gone but their car and K & A 's car were both still there . Everyone had moved into their cars . It was like it was constant lightning and the sky was just always bright . I also saw that the wind had picked up a lot . I ran in to the tent and told Juli we should probably move them all back into the van . By the time I got to the tent and grabbed Sarah it was pouring rain and the tent was getting pounded by the wind . I carried Sarah and then Emily back to the van and threw them in . Then we grabbed Abby and Juli came . Now , all 6 of us were wide awake inside the van watching the tent get pounded . Juli suggested we go put the poles down so at least the tent didn 't break . I thought that since the tent had made it through that first storm alright while we were at dinner it would be fine , so I didn 't go do it ( I also didn 't want to get any wetter ) . Then the wind really started blowing and I decided I probably should go let it down . Just about then I heard 2 loud pops and the tent poles broke . Oh well I guess I will listen better next time to what Juli says . Now we were in a really fun situation . Everyone was in their cars ready to go except our family . We had a broken 10 man tent with stuff in it ( pack and play 4 air mattresses , duffel bags , etc . ) sitting on the beach and there was no way to get that thing in the van too . It was also quite obvious that we were not going to get any more sleep with us all crammed like that in the van . The smart decision was going to be to just head home . How are you supposed to roll a loaded tent up , through it in the van and take off ? We waited until the rain died down a little ( not stopped raining just stopped sideways raining ) andAfter we got packed up we drove to the other side of the sand dunes where there was a shower and bathroom . Everyone went to the bathroom and I changed my clothes ( somehow our clothes bag was not packed at the bottom of the van ) and I found DRY clothes ! There are little miracles . We then drove home leaving at ~ 5 in the morning arriving home in Houston to crash about 10AM . Our garage and back yard are like clothes lines . Mom : " No . We probably don 't really need whatever they are trying to sell us . All we really need in our family is food , a house and love . Right guys ? " Tonight as Brian headed out with the older two kids to help a friend move a couch ( the curse or blessing afforded every individual that purchases a truck ) he handed me Jacob . He told me he was hungry but needed a diaper change first . I shrugged . Seems like I just changed him , so I fed him first . Now I sit nursing with very soggy pants ( mine and his ) . Should have listened to Brian . He was right .

I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Life Is Always Changing [ ScarletNova and Wizardess of Nightscape ] ​ Cadence heard the sound of her alarm go off , signaling her to get up . It was earlier in the morning that she should have gotten up , but she had someone else to wake up and take care of other than herself . She got into the shower and after getting cleaned off , she got herself dressed into her school uniform . She left her room and went to another room , where she opened up the door to see her sleeping little sister named Daisy . " Okay , I 'll get ready . " The little girl said in a sleepy tone as she slowly got herself out of her little bed and made her way to get dressed . Cadence walked off , letting the girl do it all on her own , heading for the kitchen to start breakfast and pack a lunch for Daisy since she had preschool to get to and a lunch for Cadence considering she was a high school student . When the girls were finally done eating and were ready , they headed out of the house , locking it up behind them . Cadence first took Daisy to her preschool , then when the little girl was dropped off Cadence went on her way to school . Once she was at school , the quiet girl casually went into her class room and sat her things down at her seat by the window . She pulled out her chair , and then took her seat in it , pulling out her items for class . She talked to no one ; she never really had much time to make many friends . Of course , she had a few of them but they never knew about her situation at home . Cadence felt like if people learned , they would either think she was someone who had a child at a young age or would learn of her parents and pity her . That was not something she wanted . So , she kept it a secret and she was doing very well so far . But , that meant she never really spent time with the people she occasionally talked to . But , that was okay because she had Daisy . That 's all she needed or at least that 's all she thought she needed . Lazily getting up from his bed to quiet his alarm , Ezra started to get ready for his day . Throwing on his school uniform and doing up his hair nicely , he grabbed his bag and guitar and headed off to school . As he walked to school with the guitar in hand , he walked by a nearby preschool . He watched them as they played outside . Seeing them reminded him of his little sister who had recently been in a bad car accident and been killed . His parents were still in the hospital recovering . He had been kept late at school the day of the accident , but sometimes , he blamed himself for what happened to her . If he was there he could have protected her . He continued to school , pulling his guitar into his hands and gently strumming a lullaby that was his sisters particular favorite . He played it till he got to school grounds and then threw it back over his shoulder , heading off to class . The loud chattering of the students put his depression to rest for the moment . Taking his seat in class , he looked to the back of the classroom and spotted a dark haired beauty . He turned to his friends in front of him . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . It took Cadence a moment to realize that the voice that was saying hey and introducing itself to put a name to the voice was actually talking to her . Normally , that didn 't happen . Not many people decided to talk to Cadence since she always looked so distance from everyone , like she didn 't want to talk to them . She turned to face him , staring at him for a moment out of uncertainty of what to say or do about his introduction . It was just an introduction , say an introduction back . " I 'm Cadence . " She replied to him in a soft voice , she didn 't speak up very loudly when it wasn 't needed . Though , she didn 't quite get why the boy was talking to her in the first place but she had seen him around occasionally around the school . She could hear the chatter in the background , actually having someone talk to Cadence was a bit of a surprise for everyone . " It 's nice to meet you Ezra . " Those two lines were all she said back to him . What else was she supposed to say ? She brought her hand up to her face , brushing away a strain of her hair of out her face . Then , she sat the hand back down on the table to grab her pencil so she would be ready when the teacher decided to show up and begin class . Though , was this guy going to continue to try and talk to her ? Why ? Ezra smiled when she introduced herself to him . At least she wasn 't completely blowing him off which was a start in and of itself . He spoke up . " It 's a pleasure to meet you as well . I don 't know why everyone , especially the guys , don 't talk to you . You are really quite beautiful and id very much like to be your friend if you are ok with that . Please let me know what you think about that at this number a bit later since class is starting , ok ? It was great to meet you Cadence . " he said matter of factly . He thought she was beautiful . Why deny it ? He wrote his email and phone number on a scratch paper he had in his pocket and set it on her desk , smiling and waving as he headed back to his seat . Not his best introduction ever , but he didn 't care . He took a seat as the teacher filed in . The students stood and bowed and soon they were learning about history . He didn 't much like history , but the rest of the classes he excelled in . However , academics were far from his mend as he remembered Cadence . He smiled as he continued to take notes , curious as to know what her answer would be . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . After her reply , Ezra went on to compliment her , ask to be her friend and give his contact information to her . It was sudden and the surprise of it all , and his compliments actually brought a light pink blush to her cheeks as he walked away back to his seat . She looked down at the piece of paper , then looked away from it when they had to stand for the teacher 's arrival . While the class continued , Cadence 's eyes drifted towards the paper that was still sitting on her desk where Ezra had placed it . She had never heard anyone say those things to her before , especially from a guy . It seemed a bit strange to her , was it a joke ? But , even if it wasn 't , did Cadence really have time to become someone 's friend ? Her thoughts lingered throughout class though still successfully taking good notes because she knew she needed to do well in school . When the class finally came to an end , Cadence began to pack up her things and on a whim , she took hold of the piece of paper and placed it in her things as well . She didn 't know why , but she did . She got up out of her seat , picking up her bag by it 's straps and beginning to head for the door . It was lunchtime now and Cadence usually went to a specific spot to eat . It was outside , under a large tree that she always liked going to . She headed outside , then found the tree and took a seat down onto the ground . She pulled out her lunch that she had made for herself . She was actually a great cook after all the practice she had . She then began to eat , alone . Ezra grabbed his lunch box and guitar and as soon as lunch got out , he made a mad dash to the best patch of grass he could find . As he took a seat and started eating , he saw cadence sitting under the resident tree not to far away . He picked up his lunch and moved over to where she was , sitting not completely next to her , but on the other side of the tree . He ate his lunch in silence as his thoughts again moved to his sister and his parents . Just then , his phone went off . Picking it up quickly , he smiled at who was on the other end . It was the hospital . They were calling to inform him that his father , who had been out cold ever since the crash , had finally opened his eyes . A tear slid down his cheek . " Thank you . I will come over immediately after school " he hung up the phone . He then took his guitar and started to play one of his dads favorite country songs , totally forgetting that cadence could hear everything . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Cadence could sense someone on the other side of the tree , hearing the sound of him sitting down . She didn 't know who it was at first as she continued to eat in silence until the sound of the phone went off and the person began to speak . She could still remember his voice from this morning , it was that Ezra guy and he seemed to be getting a call about something . She didn 't know what it was , but at the end he began to take out a guitar and then play it . She sat there , listening for a moment . He was pretty good . She continued to listen as she finished up her food . When she was done , she placed her lunch box away into her bag . " That 's a pretty song . " She eventually stated , still on the other side of tree . She may had been interrupting him but since she could hear it she thought she should tell him what she thought of the music . " You play pretty well , you must practice quite often . " Ezra then was brought back to reality when his song ended and Cadence spoke up . He gathered his things up and slung the guitar back over his shoulder . He turned to her . " Thanks . Its my dads favorite song . I have been playing this guitar since the beginning of junior high . I wanted to learn to play cause my dad played and I enjoyed listening to him play . I try to practice as much as I can between homework , school and work . Although , that isn 't a ton of time , I take every chance I get . I 'm glad you took my number . I meant every word I said and I truly hope we can be friends Cadence . . . " he said as he started walking back to the classroom . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Cadence listened , giving him a nod just before he decided to walk away . Afterwards , she got up herself and started to make her way back to the classroom to finish up the rest of class . She didn 't know if she would ever have time to be friends with Ezra , but she could try slightly though he would have to learn that she couldn 't do much outside of school and she wasn 't going to easily tell him why . High schooler 's liked to spread rumors and either it was going to end up with Cadence being a kind of girl who would get herself pregnant since she had a child or something terrible about her parents , or pity her which was something she hated . She took her seat back down , looking over at Ezra for a moment then turned to face the teacher again when the classes started back up . When everything finally came to an end and school was over , Cadence officially packed everything up quickly . She had little time until the preschool closed up for the day and she had to pick up her little sister to take her home before that happened . " Mama ! " Daisy shouted . Cadence wasn 't really the girl 's mother but in the end it was better this way . The little girl deserved someone to be her mother even though their real one had disappeared one day . And , Cadence had officially adopted Daisy as her own child once the older girl had turned 18 which was a while ago by now . " We drew in class today . " Curious as to what Cadence did after school , Ezra decided to do a bit of friendly following . He too took off after class , silently following her as if he had to go the same way as well . She seemed to be in a hurry . He began to wonder what she was in a hurry for when he saw her stop at the preschool that he had stopped at this morning when he played his sister 's lullaby . He silently watched in the background as a little girl came running to her shouting " mama " . His eyes went wide . This girl was a mother already ? This piqued his interest . As she took the girl 's hand to walk home , she looked as if she was walking in the same direction that his house was in . " Cadence ! Wait up ! I saw that you are headed the same way as my house is . Would it be ok if I walked home with you ? " he looked down to see the little girl staring up at him awkwardly . He waved at her . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Daisy was talking to Cadence about her day until the sound of another person cutting into the conversation stopped Cadence in her tracks . Daisy looked at Ezra a bit confused of who the person was , though Cadence had completely different thoughts on her mind . She froze , standing there listening as she found out that it was Ezra again . How could he have ended up there with her after all this time no one had ever found her picking up her sister . She turned to face Ezra . " I . . . suppose . " She replied , a bit unsure of even what to do in this situation now that someone from school saw her with a little girl . Perhaps he didn 't hear anything and they just looked like regular sisters and that nothing was wrong . " I 'm Daisy . " Daisy suddenly replied , a smile coming to the little girl 's face . She held out her free little hand , holding it out for Ezra to take . With Cadence , Daisy was a very friendly little girl and would take any persons hand if they said they were a friend of Cadence . Once that was settled , they started walking again , heading for where their homes were . Cadence still pondered in her head what was going to happen , in one day , all of this happened already . How did he even end up where she was in the first place ? What was she going to do about it ? Ezra gladly took the little girl 's hand and off they were again . He smiled down at the little girl . He could see Daisy look up at him and then to his Guitar which was slung over his back . He chuckled . " You want to hear me play ? " he took the guitar off his back and started to strum the lullaby that his sister was fond of . Maybe Daisy would like it too . He smiled as he played this little song . It wasn 't that hard to learn once he started picking up the guitar and his sister asked to hear it from him every night before she went to bed . His dad would sing the words and he would play along . This time , he knew the words and so he started to softly sing the words to the lullaby as he strummed the melody . He finished and was woken back out of his trance when he heard a cute little giggle . " Did you like that Daisy ? You 'll have to convince ' mommy ' there to let me come over sometime so I can play you more songs ! Oh and Cadence . . . " he let go of Daisy 's hand as his turn to the hospital was coming up . He stopped in front of her . " Don 't worry . I 'm not the kind of guy that spreads rumors . That 's way too low of anyone . I want to learn the whole truth about you and little Daisy , but I understand if you don 't want to see me for a while after I found out this little tidbit of information . When your ready to talk , so am I . Later ! " he waved as he took the opposite street up towards the hospital to see his dad . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Cadence began to smile slightly at the fact that Daisy seemed to be enjoying the song . While she wasn 't sure if this was a good idea , she was glad to see that her little sister was happy and enjoying someone else 's company . Though after the song ended and Ezra decided to make his comment which added the word mommy into the conversation , Cadence froze up again . So , he had heard the mama . What was he thinking about it all ? Though , he had told her that he wasn 't going to say anything about it and that she could explain everything to him if she wanted to . She said nothing back , just watching him leave to head for the hospital . Why was he going to the hospital ? " Come on Daisy , let 's go home . We have homework to do . " She finally stated , taking Daisy along with her back to their home . When they had arrived , Cadence began to usual routine of helping Daisy with any homework which was usually just fun little activities , then cooked dinner for the both of them . When it had gotten later in the day , she would give Daisy a bath and put her to bed when it was time . Once that was all done , Cadence had the chance to sit and do homework though it was always already pretty late . When she took out her books she found that the information from Ezra had fallen out with her things . She picked it up and stared at his cell phone number . She pulled hers out and began to punch the number in then began to text something to him . " It 's Cadence . Thanks for today . . . with Daisy . I 'll explain everything tomorrow at lunch , at the tree again . " She texted then pressed send . After that she worked on getting her homework done . Ezra soon reached the hospital , hurrying to his father 's room . He was awake indeed and talking to one of the nurses . Ezra softly knocked on the door . His father looked to the door . " Ezra ! I 'm so happy to see you . How was school son ? " Ezra walked up to his dads bedside , taking a seat . He was still in casts . He was lucky that only his arm and leg had been broken . " Nevermind that dad . I am just so glad you are awake ! " Here chatted with his dad , finding out that his mother had been taken into surgery to repair her hip that had been affected by the crash . Looks like he 'd be taking care of his parents for a while . He then felt his phone buzz . Opening up the message , he smiled when he saw that it was from Cadence , telling him to meet her by the tree at school tomorrow so she could explain the situation to him . He waved goodbye to his dad and headed for home to finish his homework . Then , after that , it was off to bed . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Cadence slipped off into a sleep for most of the night until her alarm again woke her up in the early morning the get herself and the little girl in the house ready for school . When her usual routine was done , Daisy and Cadence went on their way to the preschool . Dropping off the five year old girl , Cadence said her good byes , letting her know she would be there later to pick her back up . The high school girl then went off towards her own school where she arrived as others were as well . She headed into the class , getting everything ready just like she always did . Though , she questioned if Ezra was going to end up being in class again today . At this time , he had decided to introduce himself , so what was going to happen today . She was going to talk to him at lunch and she wondered what he was going to end up saying after she explained the truth of what was going on with her family . The thoughts stayed in her head , swirling around and distracted her from mostly everything else . Ezra woke to the sound of his alarm . He had managed to finish his homework before bed despite getting home late . Crawling out of bed he prepared himself for the day . On his way out the door , he grabbed his guitar and his school bag . As he walked by the preschool , he spotted Daisy . He smiled , seeing her running around and having fun . He continued towards school . When he arrived he saw Cadence in the corner , busy with unpacking her supplies for class . Walking by he spoke up enough for her to hear but no one else . " See you at the tree at lunch " he then walked to his seat , barely making it in time as the bell rang right as he sat down . He listened intently during class , taking good notes . Before he knew it , it was lunch time . He grabbed his lunch box and headed out to the tree where he was meeting Cadence . I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . Cadence glanced over at Ezra when she heard what he whispered to her . It stayed in her mind as classes went on , thinking about when lunch was to come . When she heard the bell ring for lunch , she packed up her things and watched as Ezra walked out , no doubt heading for the large tree outside . Cadence got up with her things and started to head for the tree as well . Once she was outside , she went over towards the tree , seeing that Ezra was already waiting for her there . She stopped and took a seat down like she did the day before , beginning to take out her lunch that she always made . She looked over at Ezra , then her food , then back to Ezra again . " About yesterday . " She began to say , " Daisy . . . she 's actually my little sister , but I adopted her . Our parents left us when she was just a baby so she grew up at a young age thinking that I was her mother . In the end , I gave into that and officially adopted her after I had turned 18 . So , now I 'm technically her mother though didn 't actually have her . " She finally said it all to someone , she had never told anyone especially not in school . " No one else knows about this . . . and I don 't want them to . So , please , keep it a secret between us Ezra . She 's the most important thing to me . " Ezra glanced back as Cadence finished her story about her and Daisy . " I kinda had a feeling that you weren 't her mother . It didn 't feel like mother and daughter yesterday . It felt more like big sister and little sister . Your little sister has got to be the cutest though . She 's very sweet . Not to mention she likes to hear me play . Not many children will sit and listen to me play . They will only do that If I engage them in the song somehow . Your sister reminds me of mine . . . " he smiled as a tear rolled down his cheek . He noticed it soon after it appeared and wiped it away . He grabbed his lunch and guitar and moved right next to Cadence . He finished what he had left and then proceeded to play the same lullaby he played for Daisy yesterday . He couldn 't help but feel tears run down his cheeks as he played . He didn 't like showing weakness in front of women , however , he just couldn 't stop the tears from flowing as he played the lullaby . When he finished , he wiped away the tears that stained his face and turned to Cadence , smiling . " Sorry about that , I get emotional whenever I talk about my little sister or any of my family for that matter . . . They mean the world to me . I would tell you the story , but what I 'm looking for is not pity , just a listening ear . However , I won 't say a word if your already bored of my company . . . " I don 't know , it varies and depends on the RP . If it 's someone else 's rp , I 'll probably be pretty passive . If it 's mine or we 're working together , I can be both . " Something bad happened , didn 't it ? " Cadence replied , knowing what it was like to feel upset about something . " I don 't give pity to anyone because I don 't want pity either . So , you can tell me if you want without that possibility . I 'm sure it has to do with the fact that you went to the hospital yesterday after you left Daisy and me . " Cadence knew what it was like to have something happen to family . She could remember when she first found out her parents were missing . They never came home , day after day and in the end they were considered missing . There was a search for them but there was never any kind of evidence at all , it was like they just disappeared off the face of the earth . She remembered crying for days , unsure whether to believe that her parents were dead , out there still or that they just decided to leave her . Everyone tried to help her feel better but it never helped . She wanted to be left alone , without anyone pitying her . Ezra moved the guitar and leaned it against the tree . He looked down at the blanket . After he had regained his composure , he smiled his usual smile at Cadence as he related the story about his sister and his parents . Though it only happened a few weeks ago , it still ran clearly in his head . " A few weeks ago , I was kept at school till late finishing up an assignment I had been given that day and handing it in just before the teacher left . However , i got a call on my way home from the hospital I went to yesterday . They called me stating that my parents and my little sister had been in a terrible car accident . Apparently the driver of a big truck was drunk and ran into the opposing lane of traffic , hitting my parents car head on . My little sister died upon impact and my parents are broken and bruised everywhere . I 'm surprised they aren 't dead . . . My mom is suffering from a broken hip , multiple broken ribs and a concussion . My dad 's legs were snapped right in half and one of his arms , the one he used to protect my mom , also snapped in half . They won 't be able to walk for months . And even if they do , they will never be the same . I will have to end up taking care of them for about a year or so before they can get back on their own feet . My parents were knocked out in the crash and my dad only just woke up yesterday . My mom , however , still hasn 't woken up and they had to go in and repair her broken hip . Due to this , my sister 's funeral was only attended to by me and my mom and dad 's relatives in their place . My dad was ok with this because he knew we couldn 't postpone the funeral any longer . . . It was so hard . . . seeing my 5 year old sister in a casket . . . . It hurt so much . . . if I had gone home on time that day , I could have prevented all of this from happening . . . " Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . 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Bill programmed Sadie 's new toy puppy to say her name . It also says that its favorite food is bacon , and its favorite animal is a lemur . I 'm a little disappointed that ring - tailed lemur wasn 't one of the choices . A man and a woman went shopping together . The man said , " We need to get in and get out of each store as fast as we can . " The woman said , " You are thinking of shopping like it 's a job . Part of the fun is taking your time to enjoy the shopping experience . But do you think you could drive closer to the speed limit ? It 's going to take us forever to get there . " The man replied , " You 're looking at driving like it 's a job . Just enjoy the ride . . . . " I have funny parents . It was nice to see them , and I hope their flight back to Tennessee is great ! I have had this picture on my refrigerator for the last couple of months . My daughter brought it up one day from the disorganized box of pictures from the office and said , " Mommy , you were so cute when you were little . You looked just like me ! " I laughed , and my husband laughed . A couple of days later , I was looking at the picture , and I was struck with sadness . I realized that I had spent almost thirty years telling that sweet little girl that she wasn 't pretty . How could someone say such a thing to an innocent little girl ? How could someone tell that little girl over and over , nearly every day , that she wasn 't beautiful ? Think how damaging that can be to a little girl ! As I realized that the little girl in the picture was indeed cute , I had just a fleeting feeling of how Heavenly Father must feel . He sees the beauty in his children , even when we can 't see it in ourselves . He sees our individual worth . Tell the girls in your life that they are pretty , because they are . Tell your daughters . Tell your sisters . Tell your mothers . Tell your wives . Tell your friends . Tell the little girls in the pictures . They deserve to know . ( Husbands , please don 't tell other people 's wives . . . ) I hope that my daughters know that they are pretty , that they have true beauty . I don 't want them wasting all their time thinking about how they look or thinking that they are better than anyone else . But they need to know that they are beautiful . I don 't want to spend any more time trying to convince that little girl in the picture that she isn 't pretty . I don 't want her to hear that she isn 't pretty one more time , at least not from me ! It wasn 't true then , and I am working hard to try to believe that it 's not true now . Posted by We were holding up stuffed animals , saying , " Sadie , what does a kitty say ? " She would either give the appropriate response or just stare at us . " What does a cow say ? What does a puppy / horse / monkey say ? " Then Carter joined in , " Sadie , what does a ring - tailed lemur say ? " After a day of fun with his new toy , Carter sighed , " The person who created the whoopie cushion was a genius . " I am a den leader in cub scouts . I have been teaching my kids that it 's more important to be a good person than it is to be cool . So , I was surprised at how sad I felt when I realized that I am not the cool leader . We had an activity with all the boys , and I was one of the drivers . NOBODY wanted to ride with me , and the kids that had to ride in my car were visibly disappointed . But at least we got a lot of food for the food bank . . . I found Sadie licking the kitchen floor a little while ago . There was part of a smashed chocolate chip cookie stuck to the floor . Now I am wondering which of the kids got into the cookies before school . . . Sometimes I regret getting Avery a desk full of art supplies . There are always little papers and other messes all over her room . ( And frequently all over the rest of the house . ) But it 's so cute how excited she gets about all her projects and her books that she has been writing lately . Preston said , " I don 't think I really know that many twins . I think I only know two or three . " Then we started counting all the ones from his old school , his new school , and church , and he knows at least twelve sets of twins ! Carter just remembered that he had an erector set . At least he isn 't always asking if he can play the wii or the ipad or the computer since his discovery . But there are little parts all over our house that is supposed to be baby - proofed . Good thing I had already planned to clean the house all day . . . I am sure Bill has found her cuddling with weirder things that I have missed out on . I don 't want to follow the guideline to get totally rid of her bottles in the next few weeks . I will miss this aspect of my ( possibly and most likely last ) baby . I started a list of the words I can remember her saying before her birthday next week . Almost fifty words . It 's adorable and sad at the same time that she is growing up . I hope she 's a little slower on the walking part of growing up . I am not ready . Preston did cry when I drove around the cul - de - sac before coming back to get my toothbrush . And he locked my door so I couldn 't get my toothbrush and said I could never leave again . Make up your mind , kid . Carter was covered from head to toe with hives . I Skyped my brother , who has had lots of experience dealing with hives . As he looked at Carter , who had no shirt on because it was just too itchy , he said , " Dude , you look like you 're from Ethiopia . " Bill told me that the kids had taken too many pictures and videos on the iPad . . . . SIX GIGABYTES worth ! So , I had to go through and delete a bunch of them . While I was going through them , I was really worried about all the videos that they had taken that I was completely unaware of . I thought for sure that I would be yelling at the kids in every single one because it feels like that is all I do . But in about a hundred videos , I did not even yell at the kids at all . And I was even speaking kindly and calmly to my kids in most of them . It 's nice to have a good surprise once in a while . Most of the pictures were of Preston . And most of them were with his face distorted in one way or another . He thinks it is so funny when he makes his face stretched out or something . So he takes fifty pictures of the exact same funny thing . I don 't know why one isn 't enough . The other pictures were all taken by him as well , mostly of Sadie . On the way to church today , Avery said , " You 're weird , Mom . " Preston said back to her , " You never even act like Mommy is cool or anything . You can 't ALWAYS be saying mean things like that . " Sadie was playing with her hands today , and she kept saying , " Dingdas . Dingdas . " I think that was supposed to be fingers ? And when she said , " Dimdumdee , " I think it was Christmas tree ? She was looking and pointing that way . . . And she kept grabbing a handful of my cheek with her sharp little fingernails , saying , " Deek . " It hurt . It was kind of cute . It was less cute when she stuck her finger in my mouth and scratched it . Now I 'm going to have a canker sore . Bill took Sadie out of the meeting at church because she was being so loud . So when I went up to sing with the choir , the other kids were by themselves . I came back to sit with them after singing , and apparently , I had missed a big fist fight . Preston and Avery had bright red scratch marks all over their faces and arms , and they were both crying loudly . I told Preston that he could use a screwdriver to take part of a toy off so he could change the batteries , with Bill 's supervision , of course . " But Daddy doesn 't have supervision . He has glasses . " Here is my reason today for being the meanest mom ever . The kids were supposed to get in the car because it was time to go to school . Carter was playing in the field next to our house , and it had rained all night , so it was all muddy . I decided that he needed a little lesson , so I just drove off . He chased after me , crying the whole way . I only went about half a block , and I let him get in the car . At least all that running on wet asphalt helped some of the mud come off his shoes . A friend posted something on facebook about how nice it was to have the people at church be considerate of her allergies . So I have been thinking about that the last few hours . I also have been thinking about it because of a severe reaction the other day , when I had a great friend come help me out without making me feel like I was too much trouble . She was willing to drop everything , even take me to the hospital if I needed it . Luckily , my other medications ended up working , so we didn 't have to do that . When I first started having my food allergies , there were many people who did not understand how serious my reactions could be . I didn 't even understand until I had several instances of barely being able to breathe , even with lots of medication . I figured out that I am so sensitive to a few foods that even the particles in the air can affect me with life - threatening reactions . It was heart - breaking for me to give up these foods . It was even more heart - breaking for me to give up friends and acquaintances that were not willing to give up those foods when I was around . I heard things like , " If you are worried about having an allergic reaction to something , then just stay home , " or " I don 't want to have to change what we eat just because you are a drama queen . You 're not really going to die just because my kid eats a Reese 's or a banana around you . " So , you might be able to imagine how I became embarrassed about having my allergies . How I was scared to go to potlucks and almost anywhere in public . How I was nervous to request that menus be safe for me . I mean , if I was really that paranoid , why didn 't I stay home ? It would be so much easier . Well , then we moved to our current location . ( And I am having some tears slip out just thinking about this . ) There was an activity about a week after we moved here , and I really wanted to go . I didn 't know anybody yet , and I wanted to meet people . There was going to be food there , so I didn 't know if I could go . I had decided that I would just stay home so I didn 't have to worry about anything . Somebody that I didn 't really know invited me to come , and I bravely ( I felt brave , at least ) shared my concerns about going because of my food allergies . She called the right people and found out that the menu didn 't have anything that I needed to be concerned about . It was so nice to go out in public without the fear of getting sick or worse from food that other people might have around me . Then , she told other people about my allergies . They have all tried to help me so that I can go to events and be safe . One time , I was talking about staying home from an event that might have some things I was allergic to . One of my friends said , " Let 's just call ____ . I 'm sure that she would change the menu for you . We would much rather have you with us than eat ____ . " And this kind of thing has happened so many times . And because of good people who are considerate and kind , I do not feel quite as much embarrassment when I have to ask about menus or tell people about my allergies . I am not very gracious . I want to be , but I have not yet mastered the art of accepting a compliment . For some reason , I panic when somebody compliments me . If I just accept the compliment , that makes me seem like I am vain . Stupid . Or , if I agree with them , I must be agreeing that I am better than anyone else at whatever they have just complimented me on . Also stupid . When I compliment somebody else , I mean what I say . It doesn 't always mean I think that person is the best in the world at that specific talent . It doesn 't mean that nobody else has that talent as well . It means that they have a talent or attribute that benefits those around them , and I appreciate it . I should assume the same of others when they compliment me . What I should say : Thank you . I really like to play the piano , even if I don 't practice as much as I should . ( Or just , thank you . ) Me : No , it 's not . or Just don 't look in the bedrooms . or Don 't you see the giant pile of junk on the kitchen counter ? Me : ( and this is one of my hardest ones ) No , I don 't . or But look at my terrible skin . or But someone else , anyone else looks better . or My hair is weird today . or But my pants are way too tight , and my belly hangs over . ( This one can be solved by giving in and buying some bigger pants . . . ) Me : I 'm not that smart . or I used to be smarter before I had kids . or I don 't feel that smart . or I 'm not even all the way finished with college . What I should say : Thank you . I may not be extremely talented at anything , but it doesn 't mean I don 't have any talents at all . Now , I just have to learn to use those talents that I do have to do more good . And if somebody notices , I shouldn 't try harder to hide my candle under a bushel . Because that would start a fire . Plus , I don 't really even know what a bushel is . So , maybe I 'm not really that smart . . . My kids finally decided what they want to be for Halloween . Little Red Riding Hood Vampire , Werewolf , and Zombie Woodcutter . Sadie 's going to be a purple unicorn because my sister gave us the costume . She doesn 't really fit in with the theme the other kids are going for . Bill was going through Carter 's spelling list , asking the kids to spell the words and seeing if they knew what the words mean . Carter is learning words with Latin and Greek roots , and this week 's words include number prefixes . Bill asked , " What do you think quintessence means ? " Preston answered , " Like five kids ? Or if twins turned five , then they would be quins . " Carter responded , " Probably a kind of toothpaste . " Well , it looks like nursing has come to an end . I had cut down to just a couple times at night . Last night , both times I tried to nurse , after about five minutes , Sadie pulled off , shook her head , and said , " Bobble . " So it 's over . She knows what she wants at ten months . Carter is learning about rocks at school . Last week , after he had returned to school after our Moab trip , Bill asked what his teacher said when he told her about his trip and all the rocks and fossils that he saw . Carter replied that she didn 't say anything . " She didn 't respond when you talked to her ? " I asked . " Well , she responded , but she didn 't say ' That 's cool ' or anything like that , " Carter answered . We have a graveyard by our front door . It 's pretty spooky , but nobody ever comes to our house , so my kids are the only ones who get to see it . So now YOU know that we have a cool graveyard . It 's Halloween - y . Preston looked through the toys - r - us magazine that came the other day . He was looking to find things that he wanted for his birthday . He told me a few things . Then he went to bed . I thought he was asleep . But about an hour later , he called out , " So , are you still thinking about what you 're going to get me ? " My sister brought her dog to my backyard while she went shopping a few days ago . Sadie watched him the whole time . The next day , she kept watching that window saying , " Puh - puh . Oof - oof . " Then she did it again today . It 's kind of sad . An update on that European chocolate that my brother brought me : It all had nuts . ( He was in a hurry , so he didn 't read the labels . ) But everyone else liked it . If I remember what Carter said at dinner , I 'll put it on my next post . It 's the whole reason I even sat down to write , but it left my mind , and it doesn 't seem to want to re - enter my memory . And it was so funny , too . I walked by a mirror a little while ago and saw that my mascara had run from the tears of laughter . Bill bought the kids some Garfield comic books at a used book store the other day . They can 't stop laughing when they are reading them . It seems like I thought Garfield was funny when I was a kid . Now , I have no idea what I thought was so funny . We went to Arches National Park on Saturday . The kids loved the hiking and exploring . I also noticed that there are tons of inappropriate rock formations . Am I the only one who has noticed that ? When we were about two hours into our drive down to Moab , we realized that we had forgotten to pack the portable crib . We did not go back to get it . We tried having her sleep in a closet , but a few seconds later , she was out in the family room . That happened three times . The next day , we bought a new one . And it was the ONLY one in the store , and it was on the top shelf , and when I got it down , it fell on me . We had tiny shell pasta tonight , so I gave some to Sadie . I think she would have given me an award for the most awesome mom ever . She loved it ! The vacuum has been sitting at the bottom of the stairs for the last two hours . Every time I walk by , it freaks me out because it looks like there is a person standing there . I should put it away . I hope my brother brings me some really good European chocolate . I would eat it all , probably in a day or two . I wouldn 't want to deny Preston the joy of spanking my wobbly bum by losing any weight . . . I had about a hundred things to write about . I have been laughing so much the last few days . But the last few minutes , I have had a broken heart just thinking about my cute funny grandpa that is not expected to make it much longer . He is just the kind of person who is a true inspiration . So , here is a sad , sort of funny story about him . Hopefully , I get the details right . My parents went to visit him one day . He was living at an assisted living home about a mile from their house . His Parkinson 's disease was affecting him quite a bit . He often had angels visiting him or telling him where some money was hidden or other such things . Well , this day , when they came to visit him , he had been terrified that someone was coming to kill him . He had hidden , or tried to hide , behind a couch in the front room . Quite a feat for someone who lost the use of one arm in WWII as well as being lately confined to a wheelchair . He was back in his room by the time they arrived , and he was very upset about the guys who were coming to kill him . My dad asked him why anyone would want to kill him . He answered that it was because he had killed so many people . My dad asked if he had killed these people in the war . He answered that when he was in France , he didn 't shoot anyone ; he just shot into the air because he didn 't want to kill anyone . So , he let them shoot him instead . My dad asked , " Well , when did you kill all the people ? " He said , " With my laser eyes . I look out that window , and I kill everyone who is driving by . They keep getting into wrecks . I 've killed thousands of people with my laser eyes . " Funny . And sad . Nothing like the guy who came close to winning the doubles ping pong championship of 2002 . They beat two other teams only to lose to my awesome husband and his wife . Nothing like the guy who used to cheat at basketball in his driveway . Nothing like the guy who taught me how to butcher meat , thus ensuring that I would never look at raw meat again . Nothing like the guy who showed me that old people can still laugh at bodily functions and potty humor . Or the guy who always took out his teeth to freak us out . ( Preston did try those teeth on once , when they were sitting in a cup in the bathroom . ) Preston has some posters in his room with heroes like George Washington , Joseph of Egypt , and Captain Moroni . The posters say , " Who 's your hero ? " He wanted a superhero room , and I didn 't just want Marvel comic superheroes . I wanted real men that he could look up to . But my grandpa is a superhero to me and to all those who have been blessed to know him . I can imagine him having super powers , like laser eyes . So , the next time someone talks about laser eyes , I will be thinking about the thousands of people that my grandpa killed and wondering how the government hushed the whole thing up so well . Maybe Preston needs one more poster . One of those commercials came on the other day . Preston said , " Oooh , this is going to be funny . They 're going to suddenly talk in a low voice . " I turned on Pete 's Dragon for a few minutes to show my kids a movie I had seen as a kid . Carter couldn 't believe it when Elliott first became visible . " That 's so weird ! It 's just a drawn dragon . That 's funny . I can 't even watch this ! I 'm used to computer generated things , but that dragon is just drawn ! It doesn 't even look real ! How can they stand to make such a bad dragon ? Why did they think that would even look good ? It 's just drawn ! " ( Of course , he didn 't want to stop watching it when it was time for bed . ) Avery : And it would be hard to kiss Daddy . Because if you kiss him for a long time , you have to hold on tight . And you couldn 't do that if your shoulder comes out . I tried to take a little nap before I picked up the kids from school today . Carter stayed home because he wasn 't feeling very well , and he was watching a movie on the ipad in my room . I woke up a couple of minutes into the nap because he was hysterical . I thought he had gotten hurt . It turned out that he was laughing so hard that he was crying . Because the guy in the movie was tooting pixie dust . Nine year old boy . . . . My parents went to Europe to visit my brother . They went to a little church that we had visited five or six months ago when we went out there . We had been looking for some of our ancestors ' names in the cemeteries and churches in a few tiny villages in France . We had entered one of the churches , hoping to find some new information , when I accidentally broke a vase . We tried to clean it up the best that we could , but there was no trash bin , so we gathered the pieces into the corner where people would be less likely to hurt themselves on the glass . It turns out that we got the glass out of the way enough that months later , when they returned to the church , it was still there in the corner . . . Crawling under every table , chair , bed , large toy , or furniture that exists in the house , then cry because I got stuck . Repeating exactly thirty seconds after being removed from the situation . ( Sadie ) I have reached a new low . I used to be " the meanest mom in the universe ! " Just yesterday I had that title . Today , I am " the meanest mom in the tri - state area ! " Sadie tries to walk while we hold her hands . She takes one giant step with her right foot , and then she puts her left foot even with her right foot . She continues in this pattern . I went to pick my kids up from a practice for a program at church . As I was leaving the building , I heard the radio turned on in the chapel , and several kids ( ages 3 - 7 ) were having a secret dance party in the back of the chapel . I got the kids out and figured out how to turn the sound off . I did not , however , figure out how to change the setting back to microphone instead of radio . There might be a big surprise on Sunday . . . . I couldn 't find Carter a little while ago . I finally looked outside . He was across the street jumping on the neighbor 's trampoline with no shirt on , with the sprinklers spraying him , yelling , " Oh yeah ! " Classy . At about the same time , I found Preston down in the basement . He had closed all the blinds and turned the lights off . And he had wrapped himself in a black cape and was lying on a futon pretending it was a coffin . He said he had to have all the lights off because he is a vampire . I think he was lying there for twenty minutes . How is that fun ? Carter : ( with no breaths between sentences ) I want to go outside to play basketball . But I can 't play basketball . Every time I try to play basketball , the bees try to sting me . But they don 't try to sting other people . Why don 't they try to sting other people ? We saw a sign yesterday saying , " Del Taco , coming soon ! " How is that place still in business , let alone opening new ones all over the place ? I am not a Del Taco expert , but the two or three times I have eaten there , it has been really gross . Really REALLY gross . Maybe we just had bad luck and it 's not usually that bad ? As I dropped the kids off at school today , Preston said , " Mom , can you please come inside this morning . " I replied that I didn 't really want to go inside in my pajamas . " But Mom , I really want to show Sadie the tarantula ! " My kids seem genuinely surprised when I don 't know the answers to their questions . " Mom , what 's the difference between a storm trooper and a clone ? " I have no idea . " Mom , how does the microwave work ? " Ask Daddy . " Mom , what does Sadie dream about ? " No idea . " Mom , how does some people 's hair curl ? " Don 't know . " Mom , how will that lady fit through that door ? " Not polite , no idea . " Mom , what 's a google ? " Ask Daddy . " Mom , what will Sadie 's first word be ? " Probably mama or dada or ball or something like that . " But WHICH one will it be ? " No idea . I think she did say mama a few times . And more . And button . And wee - wee - wee . ( But it 's still early and hard to tell if she actually is saying words or just babbling . ) Ghost Baby is taking a nap , so you can 't keep screaming . ( He kept starting the swing with nothing in it except for " Ghost Baby " . Also , I had just told him that Sadie was sleeping and that he couldn 't scream . ) Watch me make these cows fly ! ( He threw them for half an hour without getting bored of his invented cow flying game . And he wanted me to watch every single time . ) Obviously , I need to keep up with my older kids ' spills better . And I haven 't taught them as well as I thought I had because there was perfectly good chocolate that had been wasted on the floor . If you 're going to follow the five second rule , follow it by saving chocolate . She also had her first blood . She cut her finger on my friend 's vent , and I didn 't notice it until it had been bleeding a minute or two . There was blood everywhere ! She did not like her band - aid and kept trying to take it off . Then she kept trying to eat it . Also , a good way to get free daycare for seven hours : Have your four - year - old child tell your neighbor that you went to a town two hours away and that the seven - year - old brother is in charge . It worked for my neighbor , and it can work for you , too ! ( I have had kids here all day , and they have eaten all my food and made a huge mess , but at least they were safe . . . ) About a year ago , I was feeling very sorry for myself . My skin just kept breaking out . I said to Bill , " I would be happy if my skin was just sixty percent better . " ( Because I always think in exact quantities and percentages . ) Well , when I went on bed rest shortly after that , my skin did clear up . It probably was about sixty percent better . A few times I think I felt grateful for the improvement , but most of the time , I still mourned the blemishes that I continued to have . Now that I am back to having acne like a teenager ( while at the same time having wrinkles like someone in their thirties has ) , I realize that I should have been more grateful for that time , albeit brief , that I could go without makeup without being completely humiliated . I could use that story to talk about how we should be happy with what we have because we will never have enough and always want more . But I was thinking more about gratitude tonight . So , in an effort to show ( and feel ) a little more gratitude for some of my blessings while I am still experiencing those blessings , here is my list of things that I was grateful for today . 1 . That person who invented Kleenex . As someone who is allergic to most of the world , what a necessary thing for me ! What did people do before that invention ? So nice when I needed to use almost a whole box today ! Avery : Mom , I found this picture of you when you were little . You were cute . You looked just like me . Sadie : Squeal , Squeal , Squeal , Eat everything I come in contact with , Squeal , Laugh , Squeal , Half - crawl - scoot - roll to get whatever I want , Squeal until no more noise comes out but keep squealing . 4 . E - readers . I bought and read a book and never had to leave the couch . ( I realize the potential for laziness here , but I 'm claiming sickness for today . ) 5 . Books in general . Especially Jane Austen and Georgette Heyer when I am in this kind of mood . And other books inspired by these authors . Maybe I 'll stop being lazy and do a post on my book blog about Georgette Heyer . I bought a lot of twenty books by her on ebay today , with only three repeats of books I already have or have read . I am so excited to get them . Somebody can have the repeat books if they want . 7 . A new couch . Eight months with only a loveseat in my upstairs family room makes me really appreciate this cute new contemporary / transitional textured gray couch with chaise lounge on one side that we got at the Fischer Furniture outlet in Logan for only $ 699 ! Especially good for setting up my sick station with Kleenex and books and phones and laptop . Comfy too . 10 . Black licorice that doesn 't have corn syrup . I ate a couple of pieces today , and the bag is still right in front of me . ( Not that I can 't understand if you do not agree with me here . It is definitely a strong flavor . ) 13 . Chocolate . I didn 't have any today , but in the book I read , they were eating chocolate , and I was thinking about how good it is . I could write poems about chocolate . If I had an appetite , I would go eat some right now . 14 . Costco . I like their diapers that rarely leak . And their book prices , usually better than Amazon . And we usually buy Kleenex in bulk there . Just buying contacts there , for just one of us , saves us enough money each year to pay for our membership . Then we use that money we saved to buy more books . . . Carter sat on the couch next to Sadie and me . He pointed at Sadie and said , " It 's weird to think that she 's one of us . " I asked , " What do you mean ? " He responded , " Well , she 's so . . . small . . . " I asked , " Is it weird to you that she 's in our family or that she 's a little person ? " " BOTH ! " I am not making dinner . I looked at recipe books for an hour . Nothing sounds good . Except chocolate . And cinnamon rolls . And my husband 's parents are here , so I think chocolate and cinnamon rolls are out of the question . Carter 's on a roll lately . I thought that since he was nine , he wouldn 't say funny things anymore . I am glad to be proven wrong . He makes me laugh all the time still . Preston told me that I am not an old lady or a young lady . " You 're a medium lady . And you 're medium because you 're not fat or skinny . You 're just medium all the way . " Avery was on my bed playing a game today . I heard her screaming , so I ran to her to see what was wrong . She had somehow smashed her toe in the top drawer of Bill 's nightstand . I don 't know how she did it , and I couldn 't really comfort her very well because it was so funny to me . Bill 's nightstand is about a foot away from the bed . Preston : They 're being a weird band with gross songs . Carter is burping all the songs , and Boone is making tooting sounds . It 's disgusting ! Me : I am so sick of nobody listening to me when I tell you to get ready for bed ! It makes bedtime my least favorite part of the day because it takes an hour for everybody to bush their teeth and get their pajamas on ! Please just obey the first time ! I was telling my kids about how someone helped me move Preston 's bed when I couldn 't even get it to budge an inch . Carter said , " Could you even get it to move a centimeter ? " I replied , " No . " Avery said , " Well , Mom , you would be a lot stronger if you would exercise more . " We cleaned out the pantry yesterday . About one - third of the food was expired . There was some food that had expired as early as 2003 . Carter asked , " How many things are in this huge pile of food ? " It was the food that we were throwing away . There were over 120 items that we wasted , costing at least $ 300 ! And that doesn 't even count the food that we had already put into the trash ! We always pass this restaurant when we go into Brigham City . The sign always lists their special for the week . The most common are " Hot Hamburger " and " Salisbury Steak " . Sound good ? Well , today it 's even better . " Liver and Onions " . . . . I 'll be sure to tell you how it is . . . . Do you ever realize that you have completely zoned out . . while you are driving ? Do you wonder how you made it to where you are without being completely aware of the last quarter mile ? Do you wonder if you accidentally ran a red light ? Or if you are going anywhere close to the speed limit ? We had a miracle happen . Carter lost his glasses yesterday . He took them off when he was getting ready to go swimming . We looked everywhere in the house for them . We spent hours looking . This morning , I felt prompted to look in the garage . I was busy , so I didn 't look until this afternoon . The miracle is that I found them , after driving to take the kids to summer art camp and driving to pick them up from summer art camp , ON THE BACK OF THE CAR . 1 . What is something Daddy always says to you ? Carter : Don 't do that . Preston : He loves me . Avery : Brush your teeth . 2 . What makes Daddy happy ? Carter : Naps Preston : When I be nice . Avery : When we 're all good . 3 . What makes Daddy sad ? Carter : When he 's tired . Preston : When I be mean . Avery : When we be mean to him . 4 . How does Daddy make you laugh ? Carter : When he 's silly . Preston : The bumblebee thing . Avery : When he does and says funny things . 5 . What was Daddy like as a child ? Carter : He wanted to have fun . Preston : He lived with Grandma . Avery : Can I say what his feelings were like ? He was happy . 6 . How old is Daddy ? Carter : Either 37 or 38 Preston : 37 Avery : 37 ? 7 . How tall is Daddy ? Carter : I think he 's six feet two inches or six feet three inches . Preston : About six feet and two inches . Avery : Like four inches taller than Mommy . ( 5 ' 10 " ) 8 . What is his favorite thing to watch on TV ? Carter : Sports Preston : Sports Avery : Sports9 . What does Daddy do when you 're not around ? Carter : Watch TV and play Wii Preston : He misses me . Avery : Well , while I 'm at school , he does work . 10 . What is Daddy really good at ? Carter : He 's really good at building things . Preston : Basketball Avery : He 's good at taking care of us . 11 . What is Daddy not very good at ? Carter : Fixing hair . Preston : Fixing hair . Avery : He doesn 't even run that much . Now he 's just used to walking . 12 . What does Daddy do for his job ? Carter : He works at ATK . Preston : Design rockets Avery : Work at HIS work . 13 . What is Daddy 's favorite food ? Carter : Tacos ? ? ? Preston : a wrap or anything besides grapefruit Avery : Can I ask him ? 14 . What makes you proud of Daddy ? Carter : That he 's my dad . Preston : when he 's nice and doesn 't yell Avery : That he 's my daddy . 15 . If Daddy were a cartoon character , who would he be ? Carter : He 'd be that guy on Phineas and Ferb that was a superhero . Preston : Bugs Bunny . . . because he likes carrots . Avery : A basketball player on the Spider - Man show . They have some basketball players . 16 . What do you and Daddy do togPosted by I realize how fast the time goes by when the cuckoo clock goes off every half hour . Also , when I realize that my baby is already almost six months old . She was just born ! Sadie spit up in Bill 's mouth a few minutes ago . A lot . She was laughing so cute , too . He stopped playing with her after that . We were sitting in Sacrament Meeting the other day . Carter sneezed a GIANT sneeze . I looked over at him . He had strings of snot hanging out . It was so disgusting . In a very serious and quiet voice , he calmly said , " Darn it . " Then he got tissues out to clean it up . I started laughing until I had tears coming out of my eyes when I kept thinking about his calm " darn it " with no expression in his face or voice . Avery asked me today , " Mom , when you were a little kid , was milk already invented ? " When I said that I did drink milk when I was young , she went on , " Well , were lights already invented ? " " Yes , " I replied , " Lights were already invented for over a hundred years before I was born . And TV was even invented before I was born . " " Whoa . I didn 't know that , " she said with her eyes as wide as . . . I don 't know , really huge eyes . She had been reading some book that talked about how things used to be a long time ago , like before even pioneer times . Apparently , I am old enough that she thought I would know first hand what it was like . Also , we got her a chapter book earlier this evening . Bill looked in on her to tuck her back into her bed after she was asleep . Her bookmark was on page seventy - six ! She 's only five , and she 's a little ( maybe a lot ) hyper - active . I would have bought her books like this one a long time ago if I had known that they would hold her interest so well . What are some good little girl books ? It 's weird when you suddenly realize that the reality in your mind is no longer actual reality . For example , Preston was always so tall and a little chubby . But he 's just not anymore . He 's just an average height , and he 's pretty skinny . If you look at him from behind , you can see that his head is wider than his bum . Granted , he does have a giant noggin . And Sadie . Well , she 's not a skinny little baby anymore . She 's got rolls on her thighs and dimples in her elbows . And yesterday , when Carter saw a picture of Avery as a baby , he thought it was Sadie , and Avery was CHUNKY ! ( Sadie doesn 't have a roll line around her wrist yet , so she 's not quite like Avery , but she 's getting there . ) And Carter . He 's not a little kid anymore . His feet are almost as big as mine . They will be as big as mine by the end of this year at the latest . And Avery doesn 't really play with little girl toys anymore . ( She 's still little enough to ; she just wants to draw and read and play games . ) Plus , she 's as big as Preston now . I guess the good thing is that our older kids can all ride the fun roller coasters now . But I 'm not ready for that . And my blog is a lot more boring without little kids saying funny things all the time . My big kids say funny things once in a while , but it 's just not the same . I guess it might pick up again soon , with Sadie being the funny star . She 's talking to me right now , telling me she 's bored . So , I 'll go make funny / weird faces at her and talk like an old man or in a super high pitch to make her laugh . Her laughter makes my humiliation worth it . 1 . Sadie does not realize that she has opposable thumbs . Is this normal for a five - month - old ? About fifty percent of the time she uses her thumbs just like her other fingers , facing the same way . It looks weird . Have your babies done this ? 2 . I love to plan trips and travel . Where would you go if money was not a concern ? Where would you go with a small budget ? I want ideas . And I am curious about you all since most people that read my blog are friends or family members . ( Does anyone even read my blog that I don 't know ? ) 3 . Do your kids get as excited as Avery was to bring her lunch for the first time to school ? She had a field trip , and she probably talked about her lunch fifty times or more leading up to that day . And the mom who was with her on the field trip said that she was super excited about each new item she pulled out of her bag . And she spent twenty minutes the day before decorating the sack with flowers and spirals . Have I previously deprived my kid for her to be so excited about something so small ?

If only decorating the tree was as easy as this simple painting . The first thing I do is assemble my large imitation tree . I help my husband as he places the color - coded branches in their respective spaces on the pole , which eventually becomes an evergreen - shaped plastic object . Once the branches are in place , I go around the tree spreading out the small boughs like lettuce leaves , so they are available to hang ornaments . Next I go for the lights ! This year I am using the larger colored bulbs for a more old - fashioned look . As I struggle unwinding the cords , my husband says : No , because I am OCD . ( Doctors say this means Obsessive - Compulsive Disorder , but I say it means Overly Concerned Dunce ) . I can 't accept help because I need to have all the lights spaced evenly around the tree with no two lights of the same color next to each other . No one else seems to have the patience or concern to do that . And if they do , they always make a mistake and I have to do it over . And if you are a mental health practitioner , yes I am in therapy ! Unfortunately , I am that way with the ornaments too , so the next day I drag out the old foot - locker that has held our Christmas decorations for the last 20 years . It is always fun to open it , because years ago I glued a giant picture of Santa 's face on the inside , and he greets me with a big smile . I can 't help it . I always smile back and giggle . I begin routing around for ornaments , pulling out the larger glass balls first , then the medium and small . I put them on the tree carefully , according to color , spacing and size until I am satisfied that it looks perfect . Then I add the special ones , including angels of different sizes , a snowman , a glass elephant and a Madonna and child ornament . At last the tree is beginning to look done . I fall exhausted onto the sofa , while my husband tries to revive me , patting me softly and saying " it looks beautiful . " But I don 't hear him , I 'm asleep . As a hippie at 30 years of age , I hitchhiked for months carrying only a backpack . I went with two young men and we hitched from LA up the West coast to Vancouver , and crossed over into Newfoundland , a trip of more than 4 , 000 miles . I did it without a purse . How is it that as an older woman , I can 't go anywhere without my huge purse ? It measures 15 " W X 9 " D X 5 " H and weighs 4 - 5 pounds ? At what point in life did I decide to carry a purse ? I know the answer to that . I was 31 and I got a job . In other words , I went straight . Believe me , it 's not the money that makes it heavy . It 's everything else that has found its way into my handbag . Apparently as I got older I needed more stuff , and I have inadvertently become a victim of heavy purse syndrome . By the way , punching a whole in the bottom doesn 't work . Even though the weight of the purse hurts my arm and my back , as soon as I take the smallest thing out , I need it within the first hour of leaving the house . I know I 'm complaining , but I don 't know what else to do but tell the world about my heavy purse dilemma . Maybe someone has a solution . I know African women carry things on their heads . Has anyone else tried that ? The worst part of it is that the older I get , the more stuff I need with me to stay reasonably alive until I return home . Of course I need to carry my cell phone , my keys and my wallet , and I 'm just not comfortable without my hand lotion , a nail file , and lip balm . I mean they are necessities . Call it stuff ad infinitum ( stuff that multiplies infinitely ) . And now for the final admission of guilt . I am continually thirsty and I usually carry a bottle of Aquafina in my purse ! All I need now is a sandwich , and … but hey , I have to draw the line somewhere ! The joy of warm sunny days is upon us . We can finally relax and sit in the sunshine and drink iced tea . We can lay back and think about nothing . After all , what else is there to do ? I decide to put on my swim suit and lay in the sun , hoping the kids find something to occupy themselves . While I am putting on my suit , which reveals a few unsightly new bulges , I realize I am out of sunscreen . This is an emergency , because I burn right away and can 't risk lying in the sun without SPF 400 . If I continue with this plan , everyone has to get dressed and go to the drugstore . For some inane reason , I don 't trust the kids to stay out of trouble when I leave home to do a simple errand . How about going to the lake and renting a canoe ? Perfect . I can stop by the drug store and pick up the sunscreen on our way . The kids are onboard with the idea , and we get dressed for boating , including our hats , and drive 45 minutes to the lake . By the time we get there , we are hungry and grouchy , so we stop at the concession stand for $ 25 worth of hot dogs , candy bars , potato chips and drinks . Hoping I still have enough cash to rent a canoe , we stand in line for 15 minutes . I notice the cost has been raised since last summer and they are now charging an arm and a leg for a one hour rental . I guess canoe robberies have escalated since last year and are now a big time operation , but I wonder how you can steal a canoe in broad daylight . We finally rent a canoe . Our first challenge is actually getting in the canoe . Did you ever see a boat that tipped so easily ? I sit in the front paddling the craft through the peaceful waters , while my 12 - year old son , Jay , sits in the back , steering . He learned canoeing from his father last summer and is ready to show - off his skills . I am not as confident as he is . My daughter who is eight , sits in the middle yakking about everything she sees . Doesn 't she realize the joy of canoeing is the peace and quiet of still waters ? Jay is fairly quiet , only complaining occasionally about everything from being hot to getting his new tennis shoes wet . Suddenly , we see a pontoon boat coming around a bend toward us . It is quite large and seems to be hogging the middle of the lake pretty well . Jay and I both see it at the same time and prepare to move the canoe to the left . However , Jay gets confused and moves the canoe to the right . We are starring frightfully into the eyes of the man steering the pontoon boat , when he blasts an extremely loud blare from an air horn . It scares Jay so much he drops his paddle in the water . We are hypnotized , watching it sink . While I scramble to steer the canoe from the front , it bangs into the side of the pontoon boat . Wham ! There is a moment of terror while the canoe tips dangerously and we all nearly fall in the water . I wonder if we will survive . In my panic , I drop the other paddle , which seems to be in a hurry to join its partner at the bottom of the lake . When we finally make it home , wet , disgusted and grumpy , I face a terrible truth . Tomorrow may be no better . The terror of warm sunny days is upon me . I didn 't think things could get any worse , when Jessie devised a plan for catching her husband . She had found an old dolly in the shed . It wasn 't a baby doll , it was one of those gizmos men use to move heavy items . She thought we could pick up the gnome and move him back to the house on the dolly . It wasn 't a bad idea , considering the problem . I wish you could have seen us trying to move that stupid gnome . We had a terrible time getting it onto the dolly , and when we did , neither of us had to strength to push it over the grass . We were groaning and moaning . It was a predicament . The gnome was the heaviest thing I had ever tried to lift and even together we could hardly get him right side up . He was at a weird angle and pretty far away from the bird bath . After our dolly folly , neither Jessie nor I could figure out what to do . Since I didn 't really believe Paul had turned into a yard gnome , I decided I needed to spy on him at night . I didn 't mention to Jessie that I thought he was seeing another woman , but she thought he must be moving around at night , doing the yard work by the light of the moon . The next night we hid outside behind the bushes near the bird bath and watched the gnome . It was back in its original place , with the hose in its hand . Nothing happened for awhile and I almost feel asleep , when we heard a funny noise and something whizzed past us into the woods . The yard gnome had moved ! " Yes I did , and I heard it too . Do you think it was ……… could it have been … . . Paul ? " I couldn 't believe it . How could he move that fast . I must have been asleep . I couldn 't see Jessie 's face , but I knew she was excited . We began calling out Paul 's name into the darkness , sneaking through the yard quietly . Jessie handed me a flashlight and I lead the way , as we walked round and round the bird bath and through the yard . She was calling Paul in a plaintive voice . " Paul …… Paul , please come in … . Here Paul … . . I 'm sorry I made you do all the housework … " She repeated it like a mantra for awhile . Finally she screamed " Come here you idiot . " " Of course , " I whispered . I pointed the light toward the woods , checking out the trees and the bushes , but no Paul . There was a slight glow coming from behind one of the larger trees , and suddenly I saw the top of a pointy red hat . I grabbed Jessie by the arm . " Look over there , " I whispered . We both saw the red hat . We moved closer and I turned off the flashlight so Paul couldn 't see us . Then we saw the tops of more than one hat . My thoughts were running wild . Could there be more of these little men ? More yard gnomes ? Was this a meeting ? There was a small fire in the middle of the group and we heard quiet laughter . We slipped up closer to the little fire and counted the gnomes . Six in all , and sure enough , there was a female gnome standing next to Paul . She looked almost the same as the other gnomes , but she had blond hair , no beard and she was wearing a skirt . Jessie was really mad by then , and I hoped she knew better than to make a scene . " Not ! " he said . " I 've met someone else . " He nodded his head towards the cute little female gnome . " You know what they say , gnome , sweet gnome . " On the way home , despite her anger , a tear ran down Jessie 's cheek . " I had no idea my husband would become a yard gnome . Do you think I forced him into it ? I miss Paul , and I am so lonely sometimes . It 's just not that nice at home anymore . " I finally had the answer she needed . " Well , at least your yard is beautiful ! The lawn seems to be perfectly groomed , and I got you a subscription to Gnome and Garden magazine . " This story becomes sadder and sadder every time I tell it . Jessie was coming over to my house every morning to discuss her problem . As I sat with her , I realized she was slipping over the edge . " You think I should go to a psychologist ? " Jessie was definitely insulted and she got up and left , slamming my kitchen door so hard , I thought the glass was going to break . I felt bad about it , but I breathed a sigh of relief . " I guess you 're right . Do you have the name and number of a psychologist ? " I gave her the number and she left . When I drove past her house I saw that the yard gnome had not moved and was still holding the hose , smiling . I was amazed that Jessie 's yard still looked perfect . How could that be ? I asked her if she was doing the yard work . " Yes it does , " I agreed . Over the next few days I really tried to figure it out . How could a man turn into a yard gnome , I kept thinking . There had to be some explanation . Maybe Paul had put a stone yard gnome in his place and was sneaking off to see another woman . It certainly made sense considering the way Jessie treated him . But how could the gnome look so much like him ? Later that week Jessie knocked on my door . " Oh no , here we go again , " I thought . I was glad to hear she had visited the psychologist , but sad to hear the results . " That psychologist is a nutcase . He kept asking me about my feelings . How did I feel about my husband turning to stone ? Had I done anything to offend him ? How did I feel about doing his household chores ? Was I willing to give up my soaps ? It was just hopeless . When I got home it was dark . I hoped Paul had returned to being a man , so I ran in the house hoping he was watching TV , being his normal self . He wasn 't . " She started crying again . " It doesn 't matter how I feel about it , it only matters that he 's not around any more . He 's not around to do the dishes , or take out the garbage or wash the car . He doesn 't do the vacuuming , or dust . He 's just standing in the yard . I knew he 'd find a way to avoid doing his chores . " When I first met Jessica and Paul Yardley I thought they would be great neighbors . They were polite and friendly and their place looked like a picture from Home and Garden magazine . Often , during those first weeks after they moved in , I would see Paul working in the yard - mowing , planting , pruning , watering - he did everything with a pleasant smile on his face . He seemed very happy . However , I soon learned that Jessie wasn 't happy at all . When we got together for coffee one day , she expounded on her husband 's faults . He was lazy and stupid , shirked his chores in the house , and all he wanted to do was work in the yard . I came away realizing she was very bossy and quite dysfunctional , even crazy perhaps . Friday , she came rushing over to my house and knocked loudly on the back door . " Can I talk to you ? " she asked , pushing her way into the house . I agreed and we sat down at the kitchen table . " Paul won 't come in the house ! " I had no answer for this and she went on . " Paul went out to work in the yard on Wednesday and never came back in . He finished the mowing two hours later and I kept expecting him to come back in the house , but he didn 't . I didn 't really care at first . I needed my nap and I had to watch my soaps , plus I had to prepare dinner . It seems like the work never ends . " I 'm over here , " he yelled back . His voice sounded a little weaker than usual , but I didn 't think anything of it . He was some distance away . " I 'll be in soon , " he said smiling at me . I thought his smile was a little stiff , but I was too far away to get a good look . I was tired from a long day 's housework and I went back inside . I called him two more times that evening , but I finally ate dinner alone . I even ate some of his , but I left him some on a plate . Then I did his job , washing the dishes . That made me really mad and I called him several more times to come in , but didn 't get an answer . That evening I fell asleep in front of the TV , alone . " Unbelievable as it seems , Jessie told me that Paul never came in that night . In fact , he never came back in at all , and it made her very angry . The next day she went out to find him . He was still standing by the bird bath with the hose . She decided she needed to check him out carefully , so she trekked all the way out to the bird bath to see him . She noticed that he looked shorter than usual . " Aren 't you going to come in soon ? I 'm sure the birds and the flowers have enough water by now ! " " I don 't really care if the president came by , " she screamed . " I need your help in the house ! " She was finally losing her patience with her husband . Didn 't he know that he had responsibilities in the house ? The dishes were piling up and he forgot she needed help with the vacuuming . And why would she care if the wild animals had enough to drink ? After an uncomfortable silence she said , " Well , I 'm going ahead with my day . If you want to stay out here all day , I guess that 's up to you ! " She was mad and stomped into the house . The next morning she called me and asked me to come over and try to convince Paul to come back in the house . When I saw him I was shocked . He seemed much shorter than I remembered , so I looked down to see if he was standing in a hole . He wasn 't . His white hair had grown longer . His face looked the same but his body was much smaller than it had been . Paul Yardley seemed to be morphing into a little yard gnome . Even his clothes and shoes must have gotten smaller , because they still fit the same way . And somewhere he found a long pointy red hat . " Take that hat off , " Jessie demanded . " It makes you look stupid . " He just looked at her and laughed . She didn 't want the neighbors to see him wearing it . She grabbed at the hat , but then grimaced . " Feel this hat , " she said , giving me a direct order . To my surprise , the hat was as hard as a rock . I was taken aback . Jessie and I couldn 't pull it off . We looked at Paul with total bewilderment . Then I touched his shoulder and it was hard too . " What happened to you ? " I asked . He just stood there watering and smiling and didn 't answer . I wondered if he could even talk . Could his mouth move if it was stone ? His eyes were still alert and moved around , looking at me and the lawn . " Quit turning into stone and come in the house , " Jessie demanded , but by noon Paul had turned completely into a yard gnome . All the yard work was meticulously done , but we never saw him move a muscle or a stone arm or leg , or give a toss of his hard head . He was as hard as a rock , and couldn 't talk , so Jessie turned off the hose and went shopping . My sister and her husband live next door and they have a beautiful male cat . Surprisingly , the cat was named for a sound he makes … . " bip . " Yes , this pretty gray and white cat makes a sound like he swallowed a clock . He makes this sound when he is happy , and if you listen very closely you can hear him bipping . Kind of like purring , but not . All during the summer months , Bip loves to be outside . His favorite thing to do is walk around the pond and make his way to the edge of the woods . He will sit with his face to the woods for very long periods of time , watching for small critters to come into the yard . I 'm sorry to say that he likes to play around with these little creatures until he kills them . It 's not very nice , and I have tried to tell him , but he just doesn 't listen . During the winter months I missed seeing Bip on his rounds . Day after day , it was freezing cold and snowy , and Bip doesn 't like to get cold feet , excuse me , cold paws . He hasn 't walked around the edge of the woods for months , and who could blame him . However , today I saw him sitting with his nose toward the woods . That is a good sign that spring is actually coming . Plus , he only missed the First Day of Spring by two days . It is Thursday March 20th . So I am nominating Bip as the new harbinger of spring . Move over Punxsutawney Phil , even though you are a very famous groundhog , you only tell us if there are going to be six more weeks of winter . Wait until next year if you must . When spring comes to southeast Ohio , if you can find our house , you will see a gray and white cat sitting with his nose to the woods in our backyard . Plus , if you 're really quiet , you can hear him bip . Misspellings aside , I have noticed there is a certain rhythm to a good clog blog . If you have a blogger in the family , you may have noticed they make strange rhythmic sounds or moans during a prolonged process of writing . These are blogarithms . Friends and relatives of a blogger need to encourage quiet , so these sounds can be heard clearly throughout the house or office . No attempt should be made to stifle , muffle or mute a blogarithm . Stand near or by the blogger and try to resuscitate his blogarithms . If he / she has already written a few words ( up to three lines of a blog ) begin to speak these words to him / her in a rhythmic cadence . Try to get a good rhythm going and hopefully this will restore the bloggers blogarithm and he will be able to continue . This is especially important for people who are paid to blog , ( all twelve of them ) but also necessary for us amateurs . Sometimes bloggers make an unsuccessful attempt to write a blog . Words become glue , then turn into wordglue , thus giving birth to the word clog . See www . wordglue . com . ( This link is ficticious ) . Bloggers also need plenty of fresh air . Stuffy air ( smog ) is not helpful to bloggers , who need fresh air to get fresh ideas . Their minds are often in a FOG , and when they are in this state of mind they are cloggers , not to be mistaken for those who dance a clog . I was going to blog about the psychodynamics of complex multiple personality disorder today , but when I woke up my brain went into a pathological brain freeze . When I try to think , this fluffy white stuff starts flying around in my head , giving me cerebral frostbite . I would very much like to share wonderful truths with my followers , but the truth is I have only frozen memories of such things . Things such as words , sentences , clear thoughts , memories , ideas and other assorted subjects evade me . In other words , my brain is snowed in . Sorry about that ! Perhaps tomorrow there will be a thaw . Former Vice President , Alvin More , has announced that the latest weather trend , Local Freezing , does not preclude Global Warming . Now shown on all TV weather maps , one can readily see that the United States is a target of Local Freezing , or National Freezing , however the weather forecasters describe the current temperatures over the northeastern United States . Unfortunately , for most Americans , the weather map shows that the rest of the world is much warmer and , in some cases , rather balmy . Has the Word " Cold " become Obsolete ? Meteorologists , commonly called Weather Men , are confused and upset , unable to understand the connection all this cold has to do with that warming ' balderdash . ' Mr . More refuses to back down on his stand for Global Warming , still insisting that it isn 't cold , just slightly cool , and it is not necessary to wear an overcoat , hat , ear - muffs or gloves to ward off this ' anti - warming ' trend , which will soon pass . Appearing in only his well - groomed brown suit , the former Vice President gave a speech on the front steps of his home in Nashville , insisting for the umpteenth time that global warming is a real phenomena , much like extra - terrestrials , ghost - busters and Big Foot . More claims the word " cold " has become obsolete . Unfortunately , his speech was cut - off prematurely , when his teeth began chattering and he ran into the house to get warm . More was recently challenged by representatives from The Weather Channel , who accused Alvin of being cold and unfeeling , uncool and hot - tempered . The weather bugs are challenging More and his followers to a swim - off in Lake Placid in February to see who has the guts to swim in the freezing waters . Then maybe they will remember the word " cold ! " When I first got married in 1964 , I didn 't have a clue about how to be a housewife . I was still in my last semester of college , and all I knew was what a knife and fork looked like and which appliance was the refrigerator . I did have experience at the sink , washing my hands and getting a drink of water , but as a teenager I had studiously avoided Mom 's kitchen . It really was a studied avoidance , because after dinner , I often gave my mother the excuse that I had to study , so I couldn 't help with the dishes . Unfortunately , it was true . I always had so much homework my eyes fell out every night at 10 : 00 . But I 'm getting behind myself . My husband and I managed to eat out for the first few nights . My mom had given me her Betty Crocker Cookbook and after several days of screw - ups , mishaps , and culinary disasters , I decided to make chicken , mashed potatoes and peas . At least I knew about the three food groups : easy , difficult , and impossible . Betty 's Cookbook informed me how to bake the chicken , which turned out to be blackened but edible . It was the mashed potatoes that proved impossible . The recipe said to put the potatoes in a pan with ½ inch of water . Betty forgot to mention that the water needed to cover the potatoes and have an extra ½ inch on top of them . Anyway , I burned the potatoes . I did cook the canned peas in a small saucepan with water and they turned out fine ( 1964 was during the pre - microwave period in culinary history ) . I think my husband was still hungry after dinner , but he didn 't say anything . The next night we went to " Big Boy " for hamburgers and fries . My history of not - so - good dinners finally changed when I had children and was forced to stay home all day and take care of them . I began to care about cooking . Really , I began to care about eating , and I was serving Kraft Macaroni and Cheese every other night , so I needed to study up on making nutritious , edible and tasty dinners . A neighbor taught me how to make a delicious pot roast . I 'm getting hungry just talking about it . I had finally conquered baked chicken and I understood every step of making creamy mashed potatoes . My girlfriend found a great recipe for spaghetti sauce and I learned how to make that . At that point I was able to boil noodles . Chef Boy - ar - dee is a real man from Piacenza , Italy whose name was spelled Hector Boiardi . He had a famous restaurant in NYC and was one of the first chefs to package his ingredients together in a box for sale to the public . People ate it up ! Unfortunately , Betty Crocker is a crock . Yes , I 'm sorry to burst your bubbles , but Betty isn 't a real person . She was started by the Washburn Crosby Company in Minneapolis in 1921 , invented to give a personal touch to thousands of requests they received about baking . Here are some pictures of Betty during her early years . Since school has started almost all over the country , I am reminded of an incident from my school days in the fifties . As young girls , my sister , Gretchen , and I lived in Pittsburgh and went to Winchester Thurston School in Oakland . I was a year ahead at school , but our birthdays were only 22 months apart , so we were close . Our route took us past a bread factory , where the aroma of fresh baked bread tempted us every afternoon . Mother warned us not to get off the streetcar and try to buy bread at the factory , and she always had a snack ready when we got home . We usually had a choice between potato chips and Coke ( my favorite ) or milk and cookies . " We 're going to turn left here and go down to blah blah and turn onto blah and blah , blah , blah . " I suppose the adults on the streetcar understood these directions , but it was gibberish to us . We had no idea where our faithful # 75 was going . We were panicked . How were we going to get home ? That day I made my sister get off the streetcar . We were standing by ourselves at one of the busiest intersections in Pittsburgh and Gretchen was mad . She was almost in tears when she said , We stood there quite awhile trying to figure out how to cross the intersection . It was four lanes in one direction and three in the other . Using the lights to tell us when to go , I led Gretchen across both streets and we started walking up Penn Avenue . I didn 't know how many blocks it was to Homewood Avenue , but I knew it crossed Penn and we would eventually get to it . However , we were getting tired and I still couldn 't see Homewood Avenue ahead , so I suggested we turn into a drug store on one of the corners . Gretchen agreed . We did what our mother and father had taught us . I asked the salesgirl if we could call home because we were lost . She looked at me very strangely and let me use the phone . During the late forties , my family was one of the lucky ones who usually took a vacation to the beach every summer . We had several places in New Jersey where we went for a week or two to swim , go to the boardwalk and ride bicycles . Our favorite place at that time was Wildwood - by - the - Sea . We would rent a wood - frame duplex with two bedrooms , a kitchen and a living room about two or three blocks from the ocean . It wasn 't fancy , but my sister , Gretchen , and I thought it was paradise . Almost every day , we packed up a picnic basket and grabbed the towels , beach blanket , sand buckets and umbrella and hiked a few blocks to the beach . We 'd spend most of the day at the beach , enjoying swimming and building sand castles and eating delicious ( but sandy ) ham sandwiches until we went home for naps in the afternoon . Even our parents took naps , they were so exhausted from taking care of us . This game was played at the beach in the shallow water . My father 's name was Hans Beyerl and he had come to the United States from Germany when he was 19 years old . He still had his German accent . He would take us into the water and he would kneel down and pretend he was our little boy . My sister and I would hold his hands and when a wave came we would try to help him " jump " the wave . He 'd make it over the first few waves , but sometimes he 'd let the waves smack him right in the face and we 'd squeal and worry he would drown . Then a " big one " would come along and he would go under the water like he was drowning and we would squeal and try to help him up . " Little Hansie 's drowning , " we would scream and try as hard as we could to lift him up . Sometimes he would come up and sometimes he wouldn 't . Then we would squeal even louder and try harder to lift him up , meanwhile laughing and giggleing , as only children can . I remember the joy of playing this game , perhaps better than anything else from my childhood . I 'm sure we squealed enough to bother a few people trying to relax , but we had such a good time I don 't think anyone was upset about it . And my poor father . We always wondered how he withstood getting salt water all over his face all the time , but he didn 't seem to care . I think he loved this game too ! Did you celebrate ? Are you a multiple or a single - minded individual ? I 'm sure many of you had great celebrations with cakes , gifts , and balloons , but what about those who are not multiples ? We could call them indivisibles , with liberty and justice for all . I think that 's what we should call them . Since I have mentioned Control , I will describe him / her / it . Control was created in the eighties , when I became a married middle - class woman living in a small university town . My third husband kept coaching me on how to raise my two daughters from previous marriages . No matter how hard I tried , I couldn 't seem to do it right . " You have to be consistent , " he said . Well , if there 's anything a multiple can 't do , it 's be consistent . An untreated multiple has little chance of being consistent . Some of us can 't remember what we did yesterday , much less what significant lesson we were trying to teach our children . So I created Control , who has no feelings , no gender and no past . This personality was the perfect entity to run a complex household . He / she kept track of holidays ( unlike Nancy ) , car pool schedules , grocery lists , Doctor 's appointments , church responsibilities , cleaning schedules , laundry and meal planning and execution . ( I don 't actually execute my meals , I do cook them ! ) Control handled all of the above without getting upset . Most of my other personalities can 't do that , because they get upset if there are too many details . They get overloaded and then , wham , they change into someone else !

Today 's Wild Card author is : Stephen Baldwin and Mark Tabband the book : The Death and Life of Gabriel PhillipsFaithWords ( November 5 , 2008 ) ABOUT THE AUTHORs : Stephen Baldwin , actor , family man , born - again Christian . Through an impressive body of work , Stephen continues to be a popular and sought - after talent in the film and television industry . Stephen makes his home in upstate New York with his wife and two young daughters . When Officer Andy Myers met Loraine Phillips , he had no interest in her son . And he certainly never dreamed he 'd respond to a call , finding that same boy in a pool of blood . Even more alarming was the father standing watch over his son 's body . Myers had never seen a man respond to death - particularly the death of a child - in such a way . When the father is charged with murder and sentenced to death , he chooses not to fight but embrace it as God 's will . Myers becomes consumed with curiosity for these strange beliefs . What follows is the story of the bond these two men share as they come to terms with the tragedy and the difficult choices each one must make . There are , as you know , some usages of profanity and descriptions of sexual activity that would not normally be contained in material aimed at Christian audiences . I understand the difficulty faced by Christian authors when depicting non Christian people in not normally using realistic language . The end result sounds ridiculous ! Can you speak at some length about your decision to use what some would describe as gratuitous language and description . As a father of two daughters I am constantly faced with making the decision of what movies to allow my children to go see . This book , The Death and Life of Gabriel Phillips , was originally a concept for a movie . Because of the lack of quality and realistic content within the culture that is created by the Christian community , it has been my experience that at least 80 percent of the Christians I know go on a weekly basis to watch PG and PG 13 movies , and the language of the book purposefully does not go beyond that rating . For myself and Mark Tabb , in order to tell our story , and have it be realistic , not only to believers but to non - believers as well , we felt that allowing some of the language to be a little bit edgy was necessary . For Christians who find it to be going too far , it was never our intention to upset them . Personally , it is my belief that in order to get the more powerful message of the book out there in the world today , I felt this structure was necessary in order to be realistic and engaging . And I recently did a cameo on Donald Trump 's upcoming new season of The Celebrity Apprentice and gave this book to the celebrities on the show . Two of the celebrities couldn 't put this book down - and these are full on Hollywood folks . I asked them to please read this and get back to me with what you read . They came back to me with " Stephen - this is an incredible powerful story . " And " the faith - based story and the way it was woven in to the story made it very real for me . " ANDY MYERS DIDN ' T want children . That was one of his conditions when he married my mom . No kids . Period . Case closed . You would think someone so adamant about not reproducing would have gone out and had a vasectomy , but Andy didn 't think that way . He didn 't want kids ; keeping that from happening was my mother 's responsibility . When she failed , he immediately made an appointment for her at an abortion clinic in Indianapolis . He didn 't ask . He just assumed she would terminate my life before my feet ever hit the ground . She refused . He walked out . And I didn 't hear from him until I was thirteen . I think he sent money to my mother every month , at least while he was able . I 'm pretty sure he did . The courts probably made him , and a cop like my dad wouldn 't risk going to jail , at least not over something as insignificant as money . I guess that explains why I always hated my old man . Despising him was imprinted on my DNA just as surely as my dark brown hair and blue eyes . The girls always loved my blue eyes . More than one lost her moral resolve when I put those baby blues to work . I got my eyes from Andy . I think they may have been part of the hook he used on my mom . I 'm not sure . My mom never talked about him that way . For that matter , she hardly talked about anything that happened before she and I moved to St . Louis from her hometown in Indiana when I was really little . I didn 't even know I had my dad 's eyes until I looked into them for the first time ten years ago . There was no mistaking the eyes , even with that thick sheet of glass between us . I think of that hatred in a different way , now that I am on the other side of the equation , with a son of my own . And I think about Andy Myers a little different as well . You know , life is funny . If my life had gone the way it was supposed to , I wouldn 't be sitting here with you right now . I would be somewhere , assuming I survived as long as I have , but I wouldn 't be sitting on the beach of Lake Michigan , watching my wife and son play in the water and talking to you . When I stand back and look at my family in this place , we look like the happy ending of one of those Hallmark Hall of Fame movies my wife loves to cry through . My life shouldn 't have turned out this way , not that I 'm complaining . But it strikes me as sort of hilarious to think that if my father hadn 't walked out on me , none of this would have happened . I hated him for what he did . Who would have ever thought it would have led to this ? It all goes back to when I was about the same age as my little boy . Back then my dad worked as a cop in Trask , Indiana . Believe it or not , my wife and I live there now . We moved there a few years ago , but that 's another story in itself . As for my dad , everyone in town knew him when he lived there . That doesn 't mean they liked him , but they knew him . He grew up just outside of town , and made a name for himself as the star athlete in the local high school . In a school as small as Trask High , it doesn 't take a lot of talent to stand out from the pack . After high school , my old man got it in his head that a career in sports was in his future . He tried walking onto the Ball State football team , but didn 't make it past the first few days of practice . After Ball State , he tried a few of the local small colleges , without success . Eventually he quit college altogether and joined the navy before the army could draft him . Vietnam was still going on , so my old man figured spending a couple of years on a boat beat getting shot at in a jungle . My dad wasn 't a violent man , but he never lost that star athlete swagger he carried around the high school campus . I 'm not sure why he moved back to his hometown after the navy . I guess there are worse places to live . He met my mother soon after , but that didn 't turn out so well . Around the time the two of them got married , he joined the local police force . No one ever told me why my dad became a cop . I don 't know if a career in law enforcement was his lifelong goal , or if he just sort of fell into it . At this point , I guess it doesn 't matter . All these years later I occasionally hear stories about him , but I think that has more to do with the way his career ended than anything else . No one ever signed off from police work quite like my old man . I came along less than two years after my parents got married . By then my mother was a single mom . My dad walked out on her when he found out she was pregnant . Now I could understand him leaving if she 'd been out whoring around , but my mother wasn 't like that . No , my dad walked out because my mother made the mistake of giving birth to his child . Like I said , Andy Myers didn 't want children , and my arrival did nothing to change his mind . He was gone by the time I was born , and my mom moved the two of us to St . Louis not long after . Like I said , when I was about the same age as my son , Andy Myers ( and if it is all the same to you , I would prefer calling him by his given name . I 've already called him " dad " more in the last few minutes than I have in my entire life ) worked as a cop in our beloved metropolis of Trask . I don 't know if living alone was making him have second thoughts , but he started seeing another woman . He 'd been with other women before Loraine Phillips , if you know what I mean , but those relationships were all very short - lived . Loraine was different . His time with her could actually be measured in months , not hours . The way he tells it , they weren 't so much dating as using one another to cure one another 's loneliness . That sounds like a load of bull to me , but , hey , it 's his life . He can tell himself whatever lies he wants . The two of them met in a bar , and they ended up in bed back at his apartment the same night . Again , that wasn 't exactly a remarkable event for Andy Myers . He thought of himself as six feet one inch , 205 pounds of sex appeal . And he had those killer blue eyes . Throw the whole package together , and look out . At least that 's what he says . He seems to think he was really something back in the day . But I don 't think getting Loraine into bed had as much to do with my old man 's charms as it did with her sexual appetite . After that first encounter , he tried to play the gentleman and begin a real dating relationship with her . But the first time he went by her place to pick her up , she met him at the door wearing nothing but a twelve - pack of Bud and a seethrough gown from Frederick 's of Hollywood and started clawing at his clothes . I 'm thirty - two , and it still creeps me out to think my own father told me this stuff , but he did . I guess he needed to . My story doesn 't really make sense without it . That night pretty much set the tone for the rest of their relationship . They never went out on actual dates . For that matter , they never really had an in - depth conversation , either live or over the phone . They would go as long as two or three weeks without talking , but then she would call and ask my dad if he had time to drop by . He knew what that meant . And he never said no . At times he felt a little guilty about the whole thing , but the sex was good and Loraine never seemed to want much more than a purely physical relationship . Besides , with a body like hers , few men would have complained . Andy 's friends thought he 'd fallen into every man 's fantasy : a hot woman , wild sex , and no strings attached . What could be better ? He knew the answer even then , although he couldn 't admit it to himself . Andy didn 't know Loraine had a kid until he 'd been with her for several months . The boy was never around when Loraine called , and she kept any signs of him out of view when Andy came by . Her system worked pretty well until the kid walked into the kitchen one Saturday morning . Andy was sitting there , eating a bowl of cereal in his underwear , when the boy came up , stuck out his hand , and said , " Hi , I 'm Gabriel . Gabriel Phillips . What 's your name ? " Finding a strange man sitting in his underwear in my kitchen when I was Gabe 's age would have sent me running down the hall screaming for my mother , but the sight of Andy didn 't seem to faze Gabe . He sounded like he was running for mayor at eight years of age . I bet my old man nearly crapped his pants at the sight of him . Then the kid said , " You like Cap ' n Crunch , too ? It 's my favorite , but my mom hardly ever buys it . Says too much sugar is bad for me . But it sure does taste good . " Andy fumbled over his words and said , " Yeah , they 're real good , " or something like that . He always was a great conversationalist . I don 't know which is weirder : the fact that Gabe wasn 't scared by a strange man in his kitchen , or that Andy wasn 't scared off by discovering the woman he was seeing had a kid . Neither one makes much sense to me . I guess I should be jealous of Gabriel Phillips since he was the only exception to the " no kids allowed " rule my dad ever made . I should , but I 'm not . Not anymore . Andy told me there was a quirky , awkward charm about Gabe that drew people to him . He was a little guy , really small for his age , which he came by naturally - the kid 's dad wasn 't exactly Shaquille O ' Neal . Once you got to know Gabe he didn 't seem so small ; he almost seemed like an adult . Keep in mind , I got all of my information secondhand several years later , and time has a way of glossing over any faults and amplifying people 's good qualities . Be that as it may , Gabriel Phillips , I am told , genuinely cared about people , especially people others overlooked . People were just drawn to him . Maybe it was something supernatural . I 'm not sure . But it sure cast a spell over my old man . Meeting Gabe didn 't make Andy run away . If anything , it made him more of a " boyfriend " than he 'd ever been before . He started going by Loraine 's house on a more regular basis . And not just for sex . He tried taking both mother and son out on something like dates . When Loraine feigned headaches , Andy still took Gabe . They went to ball games , or to the local hamburger stand , or wherever . Andy often said , " I 'd never met another child quite like him . " And the first time he said it to me , I walked out on him . The last time they were together , Andy drove Gabe down to Cincinnati for a Reds game . Loraine was supposed to go , too , but she didn 't . I doubt if she ever said why . Maybe she didn 't want to be stuck in a car with the two of them for two hours each way . Or maybe , like me , she thought it a little strange that my dad took such an interest in the kid . Andy wasn 't trying to replace the boy 's father . Gabe already had one of those . I like to think maybe Andy saw in Gabe a little of what he could have had with me , but that 's more wishful thinking than anything else . And wishful thinking only makes things worse , not better . About a week after the Reds game , Andy was fighting to stay awake while working the graveyard shift . The Trask police force was always woefully understaffed , then and now , which meant Andy had to pull all - nighters at least one week out of the month . On this particular night he couldn 't shake the cobwebs out of his head . It wasn 't just because of the late hour . He 'd been over at Loraine 's house right before reporting for duty , and was still in the fog that sleep usually takes care of after such activity . He was so out of it that the police dispatcher didn 't get a response from him until she radioed a second time . " Trask 52 - 2 , " the dispatcher said , " we have a 10 - 16 at 873 East Madison , apartment 323 . That 's a report of a domestic disturbance at eight - seven - three East Madison , number three - two - three . " He switched on the car dome light and fumbled for a pen and paper to write down the apartment number . They didn 't have fancy in - car computers back then . Andy suppressed a yawn , picked up his mic , and radioed back , " 10 - 4 , dispatch . Trask 52 - 2 is 10 - 8 . " 10 - 8 means " in service . " " 10 - 4 , 52 - 2 at two - oh - six . By the way , Andy , we 've had three calls from the same location . You want me to get the sheriff 's department headed that way to back you up ? " " Naaaahhhh , " Andy yawned and said . " Let me check it out first . Probably nothing . No sense dragging anyone else out at this godforsaken hour if we don 't have to . " The mic hung in his hand as he stared at the apartment address he 'd written down . He cursed under his breath , then said to no one , " Good old Madison Park Apartments . What would an overnight shift be without at least one call from there ? " He let out another yawn , arched his back in an attempt to stretch the fatigue out of his body , then started his patrol car . Andy and every other Trask police officer could make the drive to the Madison Park Apartments from anywhere in town in their sleep . Late - night calls came from there at least once or twice a week . The walls were so thin that when someone coughed in one apartment , the people next door shouted , " Shut the hell up . " Most of the emergencies turned out to be nothing more than blaring televisions or couples arguing a little louder than they should . Andy figured this call would be more of the same . A handful of people milled around under the only working streetlight in the complex parking lot when Andy pulled in . A woman wearing an oversized T - shirt came running over as soon as he stepped out of his car . Immediately she started chewing on his ear . " What took you so long ? ! I called half an hour ago . " Andy recognized the woman everyone in town called " Crazy Cathy , " although she didn 't recognize him . At least not right off . About a month earlier he 'd arrested her for public intoxication . One day around noon she 'd gone for a walk down Main Street , bombed out of her mind , screaming obscenities at the lunchtime crowd going into the diner . She was notorious for that kind of stunt , which is why everyone called her Crazy Cathy , although Cathy wasn 't her real name . Even when she wasn 't drunk , she would walk around town , acting all nuts . All the kids in town thought she was hilarious , especially when she 'd been drinking . They would yell things at her to try to get her riled up . She died a few years before I moved to town . The way I hear it , she wandered out into the street while drunk and was hit by a truck . That 's not much of a way to die , even for Crazy Cathy . But she was cold sober the night she got my old man out in the middle of the night . At least she appeared to be . She kept yelling at Andy , " I know no one gives a damn about what happens out here . You think we 're all just a pain in the ass . " Her call to the police couldn 't have been much more than ten minutes earlier , but time slows to a crawl when you are waiting for a cop to show up . Andy didn 't try to defend himself . He just kept walking across the parking lot , growing more coherent with each step . There 's something about the gravelly sound of a chain - smoking woman 's voice that yanks you back to reality . " I 'm sorry , ma ' am . It 's been one of those nights " was all he could say . " Like hell it has , " she yelled back . " You think your night 's been bad ? You should have to listen to that kid carry on . He was screShe didn 't stop yelling until Andy got to the stairway leading up the outside of building three . He did his best to ignore her . " I 'm sorry , ma ' am , but you 're going to have to stay down here , " he said to her as he reached the stairs . " Don 't get too far away because I will need a full statement from you as soon as I check everything out . " Andy went about the business at hand . He went up the stairs of building three in search of apartment 323 . Another neighbor waited for him at the top of the stairs . " Oh , Officer , I 'm glad you 're here , " the woman said . To Andy , she looked like she may have been maybe twenty . As it turns out , she was a twenty - four - year - old single mother . Seems like half the population at Madison Park has always been made up of single moms . " My son came running into my room scared and crying , which is why I called , " she continued . " I started to go over and knock on the door myself , but I was a little nervous about doing it . I 've met the guy a few times . Our boys play together when his son stays with him , but I don 't know him well enough to knock on his door in the middle of the night , especially after what my son heard . " " That 's probably wise , ma ' am , " Andy said . He felt a little funny about calling someone " ma ' am " who looked like she had just graduated from high school . " You said your son heard something that shook him up ? " " Yes , sir . My son , he 's eight . He came running into my room . He was shaking , he was so scared . " " I 'll check it out . You should go back to your apartment , miss . I 'm sure everything is fine . There 's probably nothing here for your son to be afraid of , but if there is , I will take care of it . Which apartment are you in , just in case I need to get a statement from you ? " With that , the woman went back into her apartment . Andy heard the dead bolt turn and the slide of the chain into the extra lock . " These people sure are jittery , " Andy said with a sigh . He 'd never seen so many people get so shook up over a blaring television . Calls like this at this hour always turned out to be someone asleep in front of a blaring television stuck on the late , late show . Even before twenty - four hour cable networks , local stations broadcast late into the night , usually filling the dead air with old movies . Andy walked over to apartment 323 and listened at the door . He didn 't hear anything . No yelling . No banging . Nothing . He looked at his watch : 2 : 17 a . m . All the local stations would have switched from movies to test patterns by now . No wonder it was quiet . " Police department , " he called out as he knocked on the door . No response . He could see a light shining through the peephole . He knocked again , with more authority this time , and called out even louder to wake up the sleeper in front of the television , " Police . I need you to open the door , please . " As he waited for a response , he heard the muffled sound of a man 's voice on the other side . Andy reached up to bang on the door again , when it opened . A man in his mid - thirties motioned him inside as he continued talking on the phone . " Yes . Yes , " the man said , " thank you , Father . " The man turned his back and continued talking on the phone as though no one else was in the room . Andy took a quick glance around . A brown couch with oversized cushions , along with a ratty recliner , were the only furniture in the room . Andy also noticed the living room didn 't have a television . He looked closely at the man on the phone . He was wearing a faded polo - type shirt and a pair of Levi 501 's , but no shoes or socks . He was walking around barefoot on the linoleum tile of his apartment . " Sir , " Andy said , " I need you to get off the phone . " " Amen . Thanks , Eli . Hey , I gotta go . The police are here now . Thanks for praying . Keep it up . " The man spun around to untangle himself from the extra long cord , then hung up the phone . " I 'm sorry , Officer . I was just about to call . You were next on my list . He 's back here . " The man turned down the narrow hall toward the smaller of the two bedrooms . " It happened so fast , " he said with a matter - of - fact tone , " there just wasn 't any time . I ran in there as fast as I could , but by the time I got to him , it was already too late . I just had time to tell him good - bye and then he was gone . " Andy felt like he 'd walked into the middle of a conversation . The guy 's words didn 't make any sense and his demeanor just didn 't seem right . At least that 's how Andy remembered it when he told me about that night . He had trouble reading the guy , which set Andy 's nerves on edge . As a policeman , he prided himself on his ability to figure people out in an instant . I never thought he was as good at it as he did . " He 's in here , " the man said as he motioned into a small bedroom . Andy thought it odd that the man wouldn 't move past the doorway . When Andy looked into the room , the entire floor appeared to be painted red . The room was pretty small , maybe seven feet by nine feet , and most of that was filled with furniture and toys , which made the scene look bloodier than it really was . The remains of a shattered goldfish bowl lay near the dresser , the bottom drawer of which stood open . A small boy , maybe eight years of age , was on the bottom bunk . His skin had a bluish gray tint to it . Even before he got to him , Andy knew the boy was dead . Blood soaked the pillow under the child 's head , with a smear running along the side of the mattress up from the floor . Andy 's feet slipped as he hurried across the room , his adrenaline kicking into high gear . Instinctively , he knelt down beside the child and felt for a pulse in his neck . Nothing . Then he laid his head on the boy 's chest and listened for sounds of breath , but didn 't hear a thing . " How long has he been out ? " Andy shouted toward the boy 's father . " Ten . . . maybe fifteen minutes . I . . . I 'm not sure , " the man replied . " I don 't know how to do mouth - to - mouth , but I didn 't think it would do any good . I knew he was gone right after I got to him . " The man 's voice cracked just a little as he spoke . He swallowed hard and said , " I just knew he had already gone home . " Andy shook his head and muttered something under his breath that questioned the man 's emotional stability . He reached under the boy 's body to lift him off the bed and start CPR . As he raised him up , the boy 's limbs hung limp and lifeless . Most of the bleeding had stopped , although a few drips fell from the back of the boy 's head . The pillow was soaked crimson and the boy 's hair and shirt were wet . on the floor . About the only time my old man ever mentioned God or Jesus was when he was really upset . Even then , they were nothing but words , not divine beings . " Holy , holy Christ , " he said as he laid the boy on the floor and squared himself around to try to revive him . He reached under the boy 's neck to raise his head up for the three quick breaths he had only performed on Resusci Anne , the CPR dummy , up until that day . Only then did Andy take a close look at the boy . He looked him right in the face and it hit him . " Wait a minute . No . . . Gabe ? " he said . Suddenly adrenaline gave way to nausea . A lump of bile hit him in the back of the throat as Andy fought to keep his composure . " Gabe ? " he repeated . " You knew my son ? " Gabe 's father asked . " How ? " Andy kept staring into the boy 's face . " I 'm a friend of his mother , " he replied but didn 't elaborate . " How did . . . " Andy cleared his throat and tried to speak again . I guess in all the excitement he forgot about trying CPR , not that it would have done any good . The kid 's lips had already turned blue and his body was slightly cool to the touch . " How did this happen ? " " I - I . . . I 'm not exactly sure , " the boy 's father replied . " It all happened so fast . My boy had night terrors , and he would wake up screaming all the time . I guess you sort of get used to things like that after a while . They got even worse after his mother and I split up a while ago . I heard him screaming , but I thought I was the one having the bad dream . I woke up just in time to hear him fall . I ran in here , but I couldn 't do anything . I tried . Really , I tried , but I could feel his life slipping out of him , felt his spirit leaving . All I could do was kiss him good - bye and promise I would see him soon . Then he went home . " The boy 's father paused , then said , " Do you know what my son 's name means , Officer ? " That last question really got to my pop . He didn 't know what the meaning of a kid 's name had to do with anything , especially with the man 's kid lying dead on a cold , bloody linoleum floor . My old man also found the dad 's lack of emotion rather odd . This was far from the first time Andy had dealt with a family member after a death , but this was the first time he 'd seen a parent show so few signs of grief . A couple of years earlier he 'd had to break the news to a couple closing in on retirement age that their thirty - seven - year - old son had died in a car crash . A doctor had to come to the house to sedate them both . But this guy was calmer than a televangelist during a tax audit . Maybe he was in shock . Everyone responds to death in different ways , that 's what I think . My old man , he wasn 't so sure . " God is my strength , " the father went on . " Gabriel means ' God is my strength . ' His mother wanted to name him Keith , after Keith Moon , the drummer from the Who . She 's a big fan of the Who . The name just didn 't seem to fit . I took one look at him and knew I had to name him Gabriel . It took me a few years , but I finally figured out why . God had talked to me through my son , Officer . Didn 't know it at the time . God was telling me to make Him my strength . Right now I don 't know what I would do if I hadn 't listened . " Andy made a mental note of how the father seemed to keep his distance from the boy . He never moved from the doorway as he spoke , while Andy stayed on his knees next to the body , his pants legs soaking up the liquid on the floor . As Andy looked down , Gabe seemed much younger to him than eight - younger and smaller . The boy 's mother had once said something about how the other kids picked on him because of his size . Now he seemed smaller still . Andy knew the boy was dead , but he felt a strong urge to reach out and protect him . He grabbed his radio with his left hand , the hand that was covered with blood from the back of the boy 's neck . " Trask dispatch , 52 - 2 . I have a 10 - 100 . Request you get the coroner and Harris County started out here right away . " 10 - 100 means a " dead body . " " 10 - 4 , 52 - 2 , " the radio crackled back . " Are you sure you want to make the call on the body , Andy ? I can have a paramedic and ambulance to you in no time . " Andy paused for a moment . I don 't know what he hoped to accomplish , but he told the dispatcher , " Okay . Do that . I guess it couldn 't hurt . " Maybe he wanted the kid to still have a chance . More than likely , he just didn 't want to be haunted by the " what - if " questions that follow emergency responders even when they do everything they possibly can . " What - ifs " are about as useful as wishful thinking , but they can sure be hard to shake in the middle of the night . Andy reached over and lightly stroked the boy 's head with his right hand , then stood to his feet . I think it was his way of telling Gabe goodbye . Once the paramedics and sheriff 's deputies showed up , he wouldn 't have another moment alone with the boy . Well , almost alone . The dad was still standing in the bedroom doorway . " No , not too long , " Andy replied as he let out a long sigh . Turning from the boy , he scanned the bedroom . Toys were scattered across the floor , along with a variety of clothes . Typical kid 's room . The sheets and blankets of both bunk beds were strewn about , which seemed odd if Gabe slept in the room by himself . " Did you stay in this room with your son , sir ? " If my old man wasn 't already about to pop , that smile put him over the edge . He couldn 't figure out how any father worth a dime could carry on a normal conversation right after his son died in his arms . " Which bed was your son sleeping in ? " Andy asked . He also wondered why such a small room had bunk beds if Gabe was the only child in the house . " I tucked him into the bottom bunk , but I guess he climbed up on top sometime during the night . You know how kids are . " That 's just it . Andy didn 't know how kids were , but he nodded his head as if he did and kept studying the father . About that time he heard the dispatcher notifying the local ambulance service , which back then was run by the volunteer fire department . " John , John Phillips . And you ? " he replied with a smile as he stuck out his hand . Andy refused it , using the blood on his hand as a convenient excuse . Funny . I 've never known anyone who shakes with his left hand . " Are you the same Andy Myers who took my boy to a ball game a few weeks ago ? " Andy nodded . " Oh , I have to tell you , my son never stopped talking about that game . He had the time of his life . Thank you for taking him . " Andy didn 't reply . The ball game felt like a lifetime ago . I guess in a way it was , because nothing was ever the same after my dad walked into that apartment . Nothing . It is time to play a Wild Card ! Every now and then , a book that I have chosen to read is going to pop up as a FIRST Wild Card Tour . Get dealt into the game ! ( Just click the button ! ) Wild Card Tours feature an author and his / her book 's FIRST chapter ! Audra KrellSat Nov 08 , 10 : 50 : 00 AM 2008Hi Camy , Thanks for providing this first chapter . I could have got it off the FIRST site , but I didn 't and ended up reading it here . I have to know what happens now ! Have a great weekend ! ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . Subscribe to Camille Elliot 's email newsletterQualify for contests and get info on my latest Regency romance novel . I only send out an email when I have a new release or a sale on one of my books . 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I was reminded of this story when I got together with my old college friends a few weeks ago as mentioned in my post titled Too much to write . I was spending part of the summer on campus because I 'd gotten a chance to do some extra - credit biomedical research . Since that was the field I wanted to go into when I graduated , it seemed like a good idea . By good fortune , my two best friends were also going to be on campus , too . One of my friend 's girlfriend ( who he would later marry and who would organize our get together in Too much to write ) would stop by to visit during the summer , too . She was working at a resort in the Pocono Mountains not too far away . During one of those trips , she brought along a little kitten she had adopted . I was never crazy about cats but I liked all living things and could tolerate cats as long as they didn 't bother me . Well , she had a problem . She couldn 't keep the cat in the dormitory on the resort and my other friends were going to be going home for a while before classes started for the next semester . So , since I was going to be staying on campus until everyone came back for the fall , she asked if I could keep the cat for the few weeks left on summer . " Taking care of cats is very simple , " she said . " Just put out some food and water and have a litter box in another part of the room and he 'll be happy . And if he turns out to not like being inside all the time , you can just leave him outside and put food and water out for him . Cats are very smart and he will come back to the food and water and you can bring him in when you want and leave him out when you want . " She finished with , " You won 't have any trouble . " You probably know where this is going but I 'll fill in some details . He was a very nice cat but he was a little too affectionate . He was busy all night and wanted to play . No matter how many times I put him on the floor , he jumped back on the bed . So , then I decided to move to the upper bunk of the bunk beds in the room . He still managed to jump up and get on the upper bunk - of course making a lot more noise as he " rope climbed " up the blanket and grabbing onto me as he finished his epic climb . So , then I locked him in the closet but he cried and cried until I let him out . So , the next day , as much as I was afraid to , I put him outside the dorm with some food and water . I stayed there with him for a while and played with him to familiarize him with the area . He cried a little as I walked into the dorm and closed the door behind me but I couldn 't help it . I had things to do . When I got back , I went to see if he was there but he was gone . I filled the food and water dishes and went on my way . I checked back the next morning and he still wasn 't there . I don 't remember , after all these years , whether the food and water were being used . I just remember the panic I felt . I 'd lost my friend 's cat ! I walked all over looking for him . I had a lot of things to do but I couldn 't think about anything besides finding the cat . I asked all around and walked and walked . There wasn 't much time until classes started and I was sure the cat was either dead or had been adopted by someone else . Finally , the day before my friends were to get back to campus , I heard a cry . It was my friend 's cat ! He was on the other side of the building but at least he 'd found the right building . I ran around to get him and took him to my room . That night , I didn 't have a problem with him wanting to play . He was exhausted and slept all night . He was hungry and thirsty too . He 'd had quite an adventure . The next day , I took him and all his stuff down to where my friend 's girlfriend would have her room . She wasn 't there but my friend , her boyfriend , was there setting things up for her . I gladly handed him the cat and his stuff and told him the story . As I helped him get the room ready , we turned our backs and the cat jumped out the window ! We were on the second floor and he jumped into a bush . We ran down to look for him but he was gone . We never saw that cat again . But I 'd done my duty and had passed him off to my my friend . As bad as I felt , I 'd done my duty . It would take sixteen years for me to learn to love cats . I got a cat of my own at that time and she changed me forever . But until that time , I swore I 'd never have anything to do with cats again . My title is a bit of a play on the movie titled It Happens Every Spring which was one of my favorite baseball movies when I was growing up along with Angels in the Outfield , the 1951 version , because it was about the Pittsburgh Pirates . An interesting side note is that Paul Douglas is in both movies . He plays a catcher and friend of the lead character in It Happens Every Spring but he plays the manager and a lead character in Angels in the Outfield . But this post has nothing to do with baseball . It has to do with our gas fireplace . Boy , talk about getting off topic . We have a wonderful gas fireplace . This thing is so good you could almost heat the entire house with it . And there is no smoke , no wood to split and did I mention no smoke ? We don 't have to worry about a chimney fire and don 't have to get the chimney cleaned . We don 't have a flue to worry about and no air leaks during the winter . Too good to be true ? Almost . Its one problem is that every fall ( see how the title works ? ) , we have to light the pilot light and I can never remember how to do it . It 's just too long between lightings for me to remember this . If it was once a month , I 'd probably be OK . But doing something once a year gives me too much chance to forget how to do it . And this morning , I once again showed how well I can forget things . The first problem is getting the glass cover off . I tried sliding it up and lifting it out like I thought I remembered doing last year but it didn 't budge . Then I remembered it had something to do with getting into the lower metal grate and releasing it . How to get the metal grate open ? That turned out to be the easiest job - it just tilts out . I did that after yanking and pushing and sliding the grate to no avail . Then , with the bottom grate opened and no apparent screws holding the glass cover I realized that there were two latches that held the bottom and flipped those which released the bottom of the glass cover . With the glass cover just hanging there , wonder of wonders , the glass did slide up and lift out as I remembered doing last year . My confidence took a big boost . I was going to do it . But then I couldn 't remember why I needed to get the glass cover off in the first place . All the controls were in the bottom part covered by the metal grate - which was open already ! So now I had to figure out how to light the pilot . Well , actually , I first had to figure out how to get the gas flowing so I could light the pilot . And this , I 'm ashamed to say , was where I finally got stuck . There were three or four knobs and switches down there and I had no idea which order to do them in . There was a knob that had three positions - " off " , " pilot " and " on " . I moved it to " pilot " and heard nothing . I was afraid to leave it like that because maybe the gas was flowing slowly . I finally had to ask , " Where is the manual ? " I know my wife had the manual last year but she wasn 't sure she remembered where she 'd put it . Then she had a great idea . " Let 's look it up on the Internet . " We knew it was a Vermont Castings fireplace so I went to their site but they seem to make a million different gas fireplaces and none looked like ours . So now , to look up the particular manual for our fireplace , we had to find the paper manual to know which one to look for . Finally , after I 'd tried a few more configurations of knobs and switches , my wonderful wife found the manual . Then it was simple . You not only turn the knob to " pilot " but you push the knob in which starts the gas flow . Then you light the pilot either with a match ( that 's the only reason to remove the glass cover ) or with the handy igniter switch in the lower panel . You continue to hold the knob in with the flame burning for a minute until the safety allows the flame to burn on its own . The safety causes the gas flow to stop if the pilot light goes out because it 's no longer producing heat . Holding the knob in overrides the safety until there is enough heat to keep it on . After you release the knob , you turn it to the " on " position and you 're done . So that 's it for this year . After getting everything back together , the very next thing I did was look for the electronic manual for our fireplace since we now had the model number from the paper manual . The electronic manual is now safely saved on my computer and ready for next fall when this will all repeat . But next year , I 'll bring up my handy electronic manual and review it before attempting this again . If I can remember where I stored the manual a year from now . Just like it happened about this time last year , see Cranberries , I saw a cranberry harvest as I was returning from work . I was heading home to a nice meal and the welcome of my family and these poor folks were rushing to finish before dark . I stopped to snap a few pictures and saw more activity this year . Last year , I only saw the machines that shake the cranberry plants that allow the berries to rise to the surface . This year I also got to see corralling of the floating berries into a section of the pond where they would then be pumped into trucks to be hauled to storage or processing buildings . The first picture is a good overview of everything . Click on the pictures to see larger versions . To the right of center in the picture , you can see the harvesting machines getting the berries to separate from the plants and rise to the top . To the left of center , you can see the guys in waders corralling the berries and dragging them to shore . In the foreground , you see the berries that have been brought close to shore for pick up . In the picture on the left , you can see a closer picture of the berries themselves . They don 't look so appetizing floating in the not - very - clear water with all the other material floating around them . These guys don 't worry about that . That 's for the processors to worry about . The water is actually very clear . It has just freshly flooded the bog . The next two pictures show closer views of the workers . The guys corralling the berries look like they are having fun but it is really hard work . If they mess up and let berries escape their nets , they have to go to a lot of work to get them back . The berries are a lot heavier than you 'd think because there are so many of them . The picture on the left is a closer view of the harvesting machines . I used to think the harvesting machines were boats but now I see that they are not . They have wheels and ride on the cranberry beds . That 's another reason the bogs are only flooded with 6 - 8 inches of water . I couldn 't stay to watch them finish and it 's a good thing I didn 't try . I saw them at the same bog finishing up their work . There are no lights on the bogs so I know they didn 't work through the night . They just got up much earlier than I do and got to work much earlier than I do . I 'm glad I have the job I do ! The last picture shows a non - human cranberry harvester . It was moving very fast and I wasn 't able to get a good picture but I was lucky to get a picture at all because it swam under water for long periods and I was only able to follow it by walking very fast and following the trail of bubbles . I 'm guessing it is a muskrat but I 'm not sure . It was too small for a beaver and not as long as an otter . I 'll probably never be sure . Click on the picture to see if you can figure out what it is . I 've always been fascinated by robots and it seems like my son is taking after me . My wife and daughter weren 't interested in the least . So , we had a boys day at the movies . liked the movie for a number of reasons . First of all , the robots were terrific . I don 't know if real robots could take the punishment these do start on its own to defend the hero . That would have been ridiculous ( even if it would have been satisfying to see the bad guy get beat up ) . Another good scene from the movie was when the underdog robot ( owned by the hero ) is able to stay in the fight with a much more advanced robot because the advanced robot was losing power . Being bigger with more advanced capabilities would use up a robot 's stored power more quickly . And , if the robot was as good as the story implies and its previous matches didn 't last long , this wouldn 't have shown up before . One last thing I really liked about this story was that the hero was an ex - boxer . His son discovers that their robot has a mode where it can match the movements of a human and this allows the robot , with less sophisticated equipment , to beat more advanced opponents being operated by people who weren 't boxers themselves . I liked the fact that just knowing how to operate the robots was not enough . It took skill and knowledge to do it right . I find this to be true in real world engineering , too . Just knowing the equations and how something works isn 't enough . You have to understand what you 're trying to do . You can just plead ignorance and barge ahead with a plan . You 've got to know what you 're doing and what the customer wants . My title tells two tales . It explains why I hadn 't written to my friends in so long and it explains my dilemma in writing this post . This post is one of of few posts that I 'll write about visiting my best friends from college who I hadn 't talked with in over five years . They are my best friends - aside from my wife who is my very best friend . I think college friends become such good friends because you meet them under circumstances when you 're on your own for the first time and you come to depend on them as you learn your way around in this strange , complex , adult world . I especially depended on my new college friends because I 'd led a sheltered life in a small town . I was an only child with just a few close friends . No one in my family ( including grandparents , aunts , uncles and cousins ) had ever been to college . Even though it scared me to death , I felt the need to strike out and face the challenge of being away from my parents . Bucknell University in Lewisburg , PA was a four hour drive away from the 400 or so people in Finleyville , PA . My friends and I helped each other along . We were all in the biology program but two of us combined that with electrical engineering . As we each got married later , we were all in each others ' weddings . As the years went on , we didn 't keep in contact as much as we 'd have liked . So , when one friend 's wife called recently , it was a pleasant surprise . He was turning 60 , as I 'd done earlier in the year , and she wanted to have a surprise for him . I missed the call and couldn 't call back because it might ruin the surprise if my friend answered . So , I would send an email . Then I realized the problem - the same problem that had kept me from writing or calling for the previous five years and the problem I have now with this post . There was just too much to say . How could I organize it all ? Each time I went to write a line , three more stories flooded into my mind . I couldn 't stay organized long enough to get a coherent message written . But then , like facing a new project at work where I didn 't know quite where to begin and didn 't even know what I didn 't know , I had to ask myself , " What is it your are trying to do ? " My goal was to answer the simple question , " Could I get to their house for the week - end ? " In this case , the question may have been simple but the answer wasn 't . Cindy was still going through day - long tests in Boston , I was trying to find time to visit my mother who I hadn 't been able to see for over a year and my mother - in - law had collapsed and been to the hospital and was still resting at home . While I 'd love to go see my friends , I wasn 't sure I could commit to going . Even if I could go , I wasn 't sure if my family could go with me . And , in the end , that is what I said . I just answered the question , " Did I want to go ? " with a resounding Yes . But the answer to , " Could I go ? " had to be left open . All I could do was to go down the list of high priority things that needed to be handled first and then say , " I 'll be there if I can . " In the end , I got to see my friends but I had to go alone . It was a terrific week - end but I missed my family . While I was having a wonderful time catching up on my friends ' lives , I was anxious to get home to my wife and kids ( and yes , even the cats and my dog ) . I 'll tell a few stories from my trip . There is too much to write but I 've got a start . Even if I can 't write it all written down , whatever I do will be better than nothing . Or putting it off again ! In Boston , when you refer to the ' T ' , you 're talking about the transit system but especially , the subway system . I 've loved streetcars and trolleys since I was a child . Then my parents took me to New York City and I fell in love with the subway . When I moved to New England and made trips to Boston , I was pleased to find that Boston has both trolleys and subways . It 's an old system , the Boston subway was the first subway in North America , but that just adds to its charm . It 's not as efficient as newer systems but it sure is fun to ride and explore . So , when my wife needed to go to Boston for two days of tests , we took the kids . Rather than drive around , we took the ' T ' and my children enjoyed it . We rode on four of the five color - coded sections of the system . But just for fun , without needing to go there , we decided to ride to the end of the Blue Line . I 'd always wanted to do that . On the map in the picture , that 's the end on the upper right of the Blue Line . We got out and walked around . There used to be an amusement park there called Wonderland . Then it closed and a dog racing track , by the same name , was opened there . Then dog racing was banned from Massachusetts but the station kept the name . That 's not the first time the thing that gave a station its name has gone away . There used to be a department store called Lechmere at the end of the Green Line . Even after that chain of stores closed , though , the station kept the name . Maybe , one of these days , we 'll go to the end of each of the lines on the Boston subway system . That would be fun . I don 't know why it 's so much fun but it is . Well , I 've finally published all the posts I mentioned in Another long time between blog posts but . . . last month . It took longer than I thought it would but at least I finished . I 've updated that post with links from each of the 10 posts I said I 'd publish to their eventual location . It 's always nice to do something you planned to do . If I can do that more often , I 'll be a happy guy . The first picture is in a new part of the aquarium that is quite exciting . If there aren 't a million people at the aquarium ( like there were by the time we got to the tank ) and if they aren 't a bunch of children who never learned to take turns ( as there were when we got to the tank ) , you can actually step up to the edge of this tank and touch the rays and sharks ( ! ) as they swim by . In the Shark and Ray Touch Tank this day , the sharks were few and far between and when they came by , I was usually being pushed out of the way by kids and their parents who also didn 't know about taking turns . But the rays were much more numerous and I was able to sneak up close enough for a photo this one time . This is such a beautiful scene to me . Just as the penguins seemed to be flying in the water , these rays seem to fly rather than swim . The contrast of the sandy bottom in the foreground and the light blue further back makes it seem like they are leaving the sea and flying into the air . The last picture I want to show you is of the Sea Anemone tank . The colors are amazing and I wish I had better skills at photography to get them into my pictures . If I 'd had a tripod , I could have set the camera for a long exposure to get more light . But I didn 't have my tripod so I just have to be satisfied with what I was able to do . The fact that the picture is taken through the glass of the tank doesn 't help , either . I wonder if a polarizing filter would help there ? I 'm going to look into techniques for taking pictures through glass . Isn 't it funny how so many things in the sea are named after something on the land ? Sea Anemones are named after the Anemone flower . We have Sea Cucumbers , Sea Lions , Sea Horses , Sea Urchins , Sea Weed and even Sea Monkeys . Then there is the Star Fish with its doubly removed name . It 's not a fish and it only looks like a caricature of a star but that 's what we call it . With the vast expanse of the sea and the myriad creatures in it , you 'd think we could be a little more creative in our naming . While my wife was going through two days of tests in Boston at the Boston Medical Center , I took my children to the New England Aquarium . I had been there about 20 years ago and was looking forward to seeing it again . My kids had never been there . We got there early before the crowds filled the building . It probably got so crowded because the weather was so bad that day . The biggest feature of the aquarium is its huge , saltwater tank . Hundreds of different kinds of fish and turtles swim around in what looks like a coral reef . In the first picture at the top , my son joked that we came to an aquarium to see people . Yes , it takes a lot of people to maintain the environment and to feed the animals . The small picture to the left gives you a better idea of the scale of the tank . It holds 200 , 000 gallons of salt water and is 40 feet high and 23 feet wide . Another popular feature is the penguin display . They are quite active ( and noisy at times ) and everyone seemed to spend the most time watching them . And yes , another human in the picture . It 's amazing how many people it takes to maintain the aquarium . I don 't remember seeing this many people at the zoo . Someone has to clean up the mess the penguins leave behind on the rocks and the penguins are too busy to do it themselves . They don 't just stand around . The penguins love to swim . The next picture , on the left , shows the penguins swimming around the huge pool provided for them . It circles the large salt water tank shown above . It was hard to tell when one penguin started and stopped but they seemed to like swimming for long periods . They are fast and graceful and seem to be flying underwater and , being birds , maybe that 's why it looks that way . As I mentioned in previous posts , Cindy has been going to Boston for various tests . As mentioned in " Under the Sea " , for one set of tests , we went for two days and the weather was terrible . But on the next trip , the weather was wonderful . Cindy and I happened to make that one - day trip without the kids so we just strolled around the Public Garden . We watched the ducks and the people but weren 't aware that we were being watched , too . The picture at the right shows Cindy relaxing a bit before she needed to go to the next appointment . Do you notice who is watching her ? You never know who is behind you . As you can see in the next picture , the squirrels were keeping their eyes on us ( just click on the picture to expand it so you can see the squirrels more clearly ) . We don 't know if they just found her interesting or if she looked like she might give them some food . Maybe they thought we were hanging around in their territory a little too long and were giving us the , " OK , move along . We saw these acorns first , " look . I guess we 'll never know . It shows you that when you 're in the big city , watch your back ! Well , I didn 't get all my draft posts published in September as I had hoped in Another long time between blog posts but . . . but I 'm still pretty pleased with myself . Even after not posting anything for 17 days , I still managed to publish 11 posts for the month . That 's about what I 've been averaging over the last few years . I also learned the lesson that I 'm not a good enough writer to post every day . I think I 'll stick to posting every 2 to 3 days and even putting up with gaps of up to 17 days . When my wife needed to go to Boston for two days of tests ( see Amyloidosis ) , we wanted to bring the kids along so they would know what was going on . But the children and I were not able to go into the various testing and consulting rooms so we decided to explore Boston . Since the remains of Tropical Storm Lee were bringing days of rain to the area , we weren 't going to be doing much outside . So , I took the kids to the New England Aquarium . One of the things we did there was to go to the Simons IMAX Theater associated with the aquarium . We saw a wonderful movie titled Under the Sea . We 've seen some really good 3D movies . At least Evan and I saw a really good 3D movie , Avatar , not to be confused with Avatar : the Last Airbender which we also saw and enjoyed . We 've also seen some really horrible 3D movies . But this one ranks up there with the great 3D movies . You really feel like the schools of fish and colonies of coral are right there in front of you . At some points , you feel like you need to get your arms out in front of you to push the kelp away so you can see the wonders ahead . The camera work is amazing . When you consider how difficult the environment is for taking these pictures , you just have to shake your head and wonder at how they pulled this off . You know the equipment must be large and imposing yet the animals don 't seem to notice . Of course you know they did and it is the skill and patience of the filmmakers that makes this work . It is so clear . I have trouble getting scenes in focus with my auto - focus camera . How do you do it hundreds of feet below the ocean surface with hundreds of subjects to focus on ? So you not only marvel at the beautiful images but , if you 're like me , you marvel at the technical aspects of this movie , too . I took a class in marine biology in college but all we ever saw were animals that we were able to dredge up on a short visit to the Duke Marine Lab in North Carolina and the organisms in the small aquarium in our lab and pictures in books . This movie should be a requirement for anyone thinking of studying the oceans . It makes you understand how something as vast and diverse as the ocean can also be so fragile and in need of our stewardship . To see a more extensive website devoted to this movie , see this page at the IMAX website . Two more things before I finish . One pleasant surprise was the narrator . Jim Carrey does a really good job . When I first saw his name on the opening credits , I worried that we were in for a bunch of goofy voices and silly jokes but Mr . Carrey just spoke clearly and eloquently . He seemed as amazed as we were at what we were seeing . But one other thing that I wish would have been different was the 3D glasses . For a normal 3D movie , these glasses would be fine but for an IMAX movie , I found myself wishing they were bigger . Yes , you could move your head to look at different part of the huge screen but I find one of the nice things about IMAX movies is that your peripheral vision kicks in and makes you feel like the movie is all around you . With the normal 3D glasses , I just felt like the movie was in front of me . But it was still a fantastic experience and I highly recommend it . I 'm a born again Christian . I am not a Republican . I have degrees in electronics engineering and biology but now I 'm a software engineer . How can these all be true ? Perhaps this blog will answer that . I am married and we have two children . We adopted one of our children . We have two cats and a dog and they were adopted , too . Our previous dog , Charlie ( in my profile picture ) , died in 2013 . He was 14 years old and then our cat Rosie died in 2014 . She was 20 years old . We will miss them forever .

" Panana , panana , panana . Ee chon won . Ee chon won , " it said over and over and then cycled on to a similar repeated message . There was an urgency in the voice that worried me . Was there some sort of disaster that I didn 't understand ? I wondered . The guy was just selling bananas , but I would 't figure that out for a few days . " Bananas , Bananas , Bananas . 2 , 000 won . 2 , 000 won , " is what he said . I got out of bed and headed to the bathroom . This was the first time I used it , and I have to say , I was a little confused . Was this tiny tile room really our bathroom ? Was this nozzle hanging off of my sink really the shower ? I got out , dressed and looked around . Everyone was gone . . . . except some man on our floor who was still asleep . I assumed that he was Kevin . Luckily , I still had an energy bar in my bag , because the cupboards had nothing I could eat . I looked in the fridge , and there was only one small thing of water . I 'd better not take that , I thought , and just lived with being thirsty . I had already been warned about the tap water in Korea . That stuff 's not for drinkin ' . Growing bored with reading , I headed outside to check out my neighborhood . It looked a lot different in the daytime . Behind me was what I considered at the time to be a small mountian , but is really just a big hill . In front of me was a small river ( that would swell to a huge river in a couple weeks ) . And all around me was city . I walked up to Toy Toys , the store I had passed about five times the night before . Luckily after some sleep it was funny again . I stood on the corner for a while . Across the river were big buildings with huge buildings right behind them . I didn 't know it then , but that was downtown . I looked to my right , and there was a bridge with a huge dragon sculpture on each of it 's four corners . I didn 't know it at the time , but Korean roads don 't names ( well , they technically do , but no one uses them . . . most Koreans don 't even KNOW them because they aren 't on the signs ) . Instead , Koreans navigate by landmarks . Each bridge had different sculptures on it to tell you where you were in town : down the street was a sculpture that looked a little like Mickey Mouses 's head . Near the soccer stadium , there 's the fish bridge . And near my house it was the dragons . I looked to my left , and saw what I thought was a park . My recruiter had told me over the phone that my apartment was near a park . I wanted to check it out , so I decided to go that way . I was terribly unimpressed . What I thought was a park turned out to be just a ten foot wide stretch of trees and grass that ran beside the road for about a block . Truthfully , it wasn 't a park of all . It was only a ten foot wide stretch of trees and grass that ran beside the road for about a block . The park was that big hill that I mentioned earlier , but I wouldn 't know that for a few days . I kept walking and came to an intersection . I decided to turn , and check out all the buildings up the hill to my left . I 'd like to say they were interesting , but they turned out to be pretty boring , just shops . Some of which were even American : Seven - Eleven , Baskin Robbins . I was thirsty , but I realized all I had was American money on me . How would I buy anything anyway ? I thought . I didn 't speak Korean . By this time , I started to get worried that I 'd get lost . I couldn 't even ask for directions if I did . I decided it was time to turn back . Still thirsty , still bored , I came back into the apartment hoping that " Kevin " would be awake . He wasn 't . It was about another hour before he did wake up . " Nope , " he said . " I 'm Bart . Kevin is on his way to Thailand by now . " A little confused by the strange man in my new apartment , I had to ask why he was there . Bart , it turned out was a friend of Chris . The night before , he had gotten a little tipsy and lost the keys to his new apartment . He didn 't have the phone number for his new landlord , so he had to stay over at someone 's house until he could ask a friend for that phone number . Luckily , he stayed at our apartment , because I would have been screwed without him . I drank two or three glasses as we talked . Bart had been in Korea for almost two years . He just quit his job to try and teach only private lessons . Something that is illegal in Korea , but much much more lucrative . Bart soon found out that this wasn 't feasible , because his visa expired two weeks after he quit his job and he couldn 't get a new one without having a legal source of income . He found a part time job to make himself legal and piled on what private lessons he could . The bus to downtown was packed . " Hold on tight , " Bart said . " These drivers don 't seem to remember that there are people standing back here . " I got jerked around for the ten minute trip , almost falling a couple of times . I still haven 't gotten used to the way the bus drivers drive , but then again , everyone drives like that in Korea . Downtown was overwhelming up close . Lots of neon and lots of height , but the strangest thing was the depth . After walking a block or two , Bart ushered me to a stairwell . We came back to the surface right in front of Bart 's bank . He changed my money for me . While the cashier was counting out my money , Bart turned to me . I looked around . " What 's with the glasses ? " I said . Right in the middle of the bank on the little counter that 's usually used for filling out checks and such , there were several pairs of glasses chained down . " They 're for reading . Most older Koreans don 't bother to buy reading glasses , so the bank provides them , " he explained . " Notice anything else . " It was indeed . The highest denomination in Korean currency is 10 , 000 won , which is only about $ 10 . I had just changed in a little over $ 400 . I felt loaded , and quite frankly , a little uncomfortable carrying around such a big stack of cash . " Man , Korea 's going to be rough for you . " He was right . Korea is heavy on the meat . I soon found that it was much harder to avoid it than in the US . Still , I 've had very few slip ups since I 've been here . My first day here was one of them . " So anyway , what do you feel like ? " Bart took me to a little noodle place nearby . Sure , Korean noodles are vegetarian , Korean noodles : Nang - myawn . What we had were Japanese noondles : la - myawn ( or Ramen as we call it back home ) . Bart had to teach a lesson , so he took me back to my apartment after stopping me off at a grocery store to pick up a few things . Grocery stores are generally much smaller in Korea . The American type food is in the international section : foods such as baked beans and peanut butter and olives . The map Chris had drawn me the night before got me to the intersection of the school . My problem was that I was looking for an American school there , not a Korean school . I saw nothing , and turned around to make the mile walk back to my apartment . Turns out I was standing nearly right under my school but didn 't think to look for it on the sixth floor of an office building . Chirs came back to the apartment at about six . He showed me around the area a little more . We had a few beers , and then I went to bed , trying to rest up for my first day at Swaton . I fell right asleep again , even though I was nervous about my first day of teaching . When I rang the intercom , there was no answer at first . I opened the door , which he had left unlocked for me . Just as I did , out walked Chris , my new roommate . My first impression of Chris as he stood there in his underwear was that he looked like someone who had once been in very good shape and then tried very hard to go out of shape quickly . I 'd later find out that this wasn 't far from the truth . I should mention at this point that there are several Chrises in my Daejon life . This is Chris # 1 , or Classic Chris . He was my first roommate , and he and I still hang out sometimes . I 'd meet Chris # 2 in a few days . He 's a co - worker that everyone calls Logan to differentiate him from Classic Chris . Logan is also a Hoosier , by the way . He 's from Logansport , but that has nothing to do with his nickname . Chris # 3 is an English major that I sometimes talk to at bars . He 's usually Chris with Glasses , or Book Chris . Chris # 4 is my current roommate . There 's a whole post somewhere in my head just about him . I usually call him Wichita for reasons that will be apparent later . " Yeah , I do . I only with I had come here sooner . " This was surprisingly apt . Classic Chris is one of those people that likes Korea more than home . He 'll probably stay here for years , maybe forever . He loves the place despite the fact that he can 't really speak any Korean . We got out my luggage and my bike and took it all upstairs . My bike was a hassle getting upstairs just like it was a hassle during every other part of the tip : getting on the plane , finding it when I got off the plane , getting it in the taxi , and now getting it to my apartment . A hassle that was expensive ( $ 130 to bring with me ) and a hassle that would only last me six weeks until it was stolen . My new apartment was tiny , but everyone told me it was going to be tiny , so I was surprised at how big it actually was . We had two small bedrooms , a small bathroom , a decent sized kitchen , and a nice living room to share . Considering most Korean apartments just have two rooms ( one that 's half kitchen ) and a very tiny bathroom , we actually made out alright . " Sure , " I said . I actually did , even though I 'm not a huge beer drinker . It was the best beer I had ever had in my life . I didn 't realize how thirsty I was . " Kevin 's in the other room , " he said . " He 's the guy you 're replacing . He 's a good guy ; you 'll like him . " I did like Kevin , but I don 't see how Chris could know that . All he could possibly know about me so far was that I liked to bike . " Tomorrow , just sleep in , " Chris told me . " Rose said you don 't have to come in to work if you don 't want to , unless you just want to check the place out . " I did want to check the place out and asked for a map . He scribbled one out quickly for me and tried to explain to me a city that I had yet to really see ( aside from the same stretch of road about five times on the way in ) . A wandered into my room after he went to sleep thinking I wouldn 't be able to sleep in my new room . I was wrong . The bed was small , it was hard , and the sheets were itchy , but damned if I didn 't pass out the moment I hit that hard itchy surface . I was sitting around just wondering what to write about now that I have all this extra time . Korean Food ? Done that . Beautiful Korean Women ? I can 't stop writing about that . Traffic ? Boring . What I 'm doing today ? Very boring . So anyway , welcome to the first installment ( of who knows how many ) trying to remember back about when I first got here . Luckily , I took notes and have already written stories about what happened way back then , so it should be easy . Anyway here it goes : It was about 12 when I stepped out into the hot , muggy Korean night . I had just spent 22 hours on a plane or in an airport . Then I spent another hour fighting for my luggage , getting my passport stamped , and trying to find my recruiter . I was exhausted . CJ , the recruiter , had already flagged down a cab for me and paid for it . She helped me load my luggage and then said goodbye . I 'd never see her again . As soon as we pulled away , the cab driver tried to start a conversation . Cab drivers often do this . Now - a - days , I love cab drivers , because they give me a good way to try out my Korean . I 'm stuck in a tight space with a guy who almost never knows any English for 15 minutes . I 've probably spoken more Korean with cab drivers , store clerks , and waitresses than I have with anyone else in Korea . . . including co - workers and my Korean teachers ( they all know English ) . " Hang - gungmal hey - yo ? " he said . All I knew how to say in Korean at that point was hello , and I wasn 't very confident in saying that . I didn 't learn how to say " I don 't understand " in Korean for a few more days . What is said was , " do you speak Korean ? " Which was what I suspected at the time , so I shook my head no . What he literally said was " Korean language do ? " That 's how you ask it in Korean . The cab driver tried to speak to me a bit more . He used a lot of hand gestures ( something most Koreans don 't do ) even though he was driving . It is amazing how much you can communicate with hand gestures . I got very good at it in my first few months here . " Se she , " he said to me and held up three fingers . He said , " three hours , " ( or three in the morning - - it means different things depending on context , but here it had both meanings ) , but I had no idea that that is what he said at the time . The drive from Incheon ( where the airport is ) to Daejon ( where I live ) is about three hours . I had no idea that is was so far at the time and only had a vague idea what the signs saying 200 km really meant time wise . " Ah , " I said in a distinctly American way . I assumed this meant that what I was seeing was Seoul . It was big . It seemed bigger than any city I 'd been to . And it wasn 't even Seoul . Seoul was just in that general direction . What he was point to was downtown Incheon . But Korean cities are built up , not out , so it was still impressive to me at the time . And I can 't even begin to explain what Korean cities look like at night . They look like how I imagine Las Vegas to look : neon everywhere . I wouldn 't actually see Seoul for a little over a month . One of the stangest things I saw that first night were the neon crosses . The churches almost always have them on the top and all of them light up at night . They come in three colors : Red , white , and blue . I have no idea what the colors mean , but I imagines it 's something about the church . After we got away from the city and on the highway , I realized exactly how tired I was . I had been awake for about three days at that point . I was too nervous to sleep before I left . I couldn 't sleep on the plane . And I was having trouble sleeping in the cab . I couldn 't sleep mostly because of the speed alarm . The speed limit was 100 km / h . The driver kept going over it . Ever time he did , an alarm went off and said something in Korean that I still don 't understand ( although I never hear it in the city ) . Every time the alarm went off , I jerked back awake . I looked at the pill in my hand . It was big . Too big . What the hell , I though . It would probably be rude not to take it . I gulped it back without water and felt a little better . I shouldn 't have . I later found out it was gum . In any case , the placebo effect kept me awake the rest of the trip . I tried to figure out the signs . I couldn 't read Korean yet , so I had no idea what they said . I 'd see a sign with one word in English and about 15 in Korean . I doubt the translations were literal . After about an hour of trying to read signs and trying to see scenary in the dark , I realized that I wasn 't going to make it . I needed a rest stop before we hit Daejon . I didn 't know how to say bathroom . I didn 't know how to say stop . I didn 't know how to say break , or toilet , or pee - pee , or potty . I was tried to figure this out for about 15 minutes before I gave up . I waited for a rest stop sign to come up . " Can we stop , " I said . " I need to use the bathroom . " Nothing . " Toilet , " I said and pointed to my crotch . Then he got it . My first restroom in Korea was nice by Korean standards . It didn 't stink or cause me to wretch a little , so it was fine . It wasn 't too much longer that we hit Daejon . The first thing I was struck by was the urbanness of Daejon . It was mountains , then bang , it was urban . The outskirts look like Chicago . . . or at least East Chicago . I probably could have imagined I was there had it not been for the funny letters on the signs . I knew there was a problem when the driver kept circling the same stretch of road over and over . The store " Toy Toys " was funny the first time , but not nearly as funny the fifth . Eventually , the driver pulled into an alley and got out . I came with him . I looked around . The small three story apartment buildings looked the same , exactly the same . We went into the first one . We went to 302 . The driver rang the intercom ( Korean apartments all have intercoms instead of doorbells ) . A Korean answered . The conversation I didn 't understand at all . I can only imagine what it must have been . By this time , it was raining . Raining hard ( it would for another month ) . We went outside and the cab driver motioned me to stay inside . I tried to follow again and he pushed me back in . I waited in the doorway while he must have checked all the other 302s in the buildings around my apartment . Eventually he found it , not because he rang , but because he found a not in English . He took me to it . " Hi Ryan , " it said . " We waited up for you , but we still have to work tomorrow . When you get in , wake me up to say hi . Chris . " Check out this sweet haul I got from my students ( and other teachers ) . My favorite is the card from Amy : You open it and it plays a scary christmas song and is accompanied by the message , " To Ryan . I love you , teacher . Merry Christmas . From Amy . " Ain 't she sweet . posted by RPShep @ 10 : 33 AM 0 comments Look at how dashing I look in my nice warm coat . Keeps the shivers away . Thanks Grandma Shepherd . posted by RPShep @ 10 : 31 AM 0 comments Yep , I still read in English . And you can 't go wrong with Chuck Palahniuk and Elmore Leonard . Thanks Granny . posted by RPShep @ 10 : 30 AM 1 comments A Christmas present to myself . Sweet Jesus this thing is nice . Quiver in envy at a meer picture of this wonderful beast . Thanks me . posted by RPShep @ 10 : 27 AM 0 comments Why would I want comic books for Christmas ? Because I 'm a dork , that 's why . Thanks mom . posted by RPShep @ 10 : 26 AM 1 comments Yep , now I have actual traction when I climb mountains . You think I could climb before ? You ain 't seen nothin ' yet . Thanks Mom . posted by RPShep @ 10 : 25 AM 1 comments Yahoo ! No more getting lost in the mountains ! Thanks Aunt Lisa ( and also thanks for the candy . I took a picture of myself eating some , but I must have lost it ) posted by RPShep @ 10 : 23 AM 0 comments A decent picture of the couple while exchanging vows . That bright light near their heads is the cameraman . He was rather intrusive . posted by RPShep @ 10 : 22 AM 0 comments Thank you to everyone that sent gifts . I 've gotten all of them that I knew I was going to get ( thanks Granny , Mom , Alissa , Aunt Lisa , Stacey , and Aunt Beck ) . I 've been taking pictures of myself openning them and will post them when I get a chance ( probably not until my computer is working at home ) . Anyway , I hope you all have a great holiday season , and I promise I 'll be in the US for it next year . Okay , so there 's more . I 've been telling you all in emails that I 'll explain it when I have time . I have a little right now , so here we go . 3 ) The fact that I 'm gearing up for next month . One foreign teacher is leaving ( and not being replaced ) . Rose is leaving ( and not being replaced ) . AND next month is intensives . Intensives are one month long classes for over the Christmas break . This was kids that normally don 't have time to learn English can get a crash course . My work load is getting a lot bigger for a month ( but then will calm down when the new foreign teacher comes - - a month and a half too late - - and when intensives end ) . 4 ) Then there 's the fact that I 'm poor ( from the computer stuff and Christmas presents ) . The fact that I STILL am trying to get my computer stuff worked out ( they internet isn 't up yet and I have to meet with the tech again today ) . AND they fact that it 's the holidays and I 'm on the other side of the world from all my loved ones . After the wedding , all of the Swaton employees headed over to the teacher 's dinner . When I say all , I mean all but Rose . She said she just felt too uncomfortable going knowing that she wasn 't really part of the team there anymore . Plus there was the tension with Mrs . Gu ( and there was . . . and is . . . indeed tension ) . That should have been my first clue to back out . Rose is usually kind of a tone setter for these kinds of things . I sat down at a table with all the male staff of Swaton . This was mostly just the foreign teachers , but also Smith , the one male Korean teacher , and Kevin , who 's job I don 't really understand . Kevin seems to do pretty much everything at Swaton - - everything but teach . He 's a great guy and whoops my butt at Starcraft . We 're friends , even though we can barely communicate ( his English is about as good as my Korean ) . Well , the guys like to drink , and the booze was free . I could probably just leave it at that , and you could pretty much imagine the rest , but I 'll keep going . Darryl , Chris , and Logan had started drinking early in the evening at Darryl 's house . I was with them but decided to abstain . Logan , in particular , had quite a bit before we even made it to the wedding . Before dinner even started , Logan was getting loud . By the time dinner was over , all three of the other guys were whooping it up . I decided to head on over to the ladies table and chat with them , but even though I was about 20 feet away or so , I wasn 't left out of the conversation . Now here 's where the fiasco really begins : they expected us to sing . Darryl had selected a song before we even got to the party . It was some remake of a pop song by Wham . Now , I 'd like to say that I 've kept up on my Wham song bibliography over they years , but I had never heard this song before . I don 't even remember the title , all I remember is that the first line was " Last Christmas I gave you my heart . . . " I 'm not sure where it went from there for two reasons . 1 ) Because they may have dragged me up on stage , but I sure as hell wasn 't singing . Apparently they didn 't realize that I wasn 't drunk too . 2 ) I had no idea what they were singing : Chris was mumbling quietly . Darryl was only saying a word here and there . And Logan was belting it out , but I 'm not sure he was singing in English . " Where are you going ? I don 't have cash to do anything . " This was an excuse , but it was also true . See my computer post . The singing continued . Then dancing . Then parodies of game shows . And lots and lots of talking . . . all in Korean , so I had no idea what was going on . No idea what was going on for at least another hour and a half . I signed when it was all over and went straight of the elevator . It was packed in , mostly with people from other schools owned by the same people that own Swaton , but Smith was also in the elevator with me . He didn 't have the headstart that the foreign teachers had , but he was still a little tipsy . " No , I mean it . You got to see me sing , and you stayed . I 'm really impressed . It means a lot to me . " Then he said something to everyone in the elevator in slurred Korean that I didn 't understand . Apparently it was about me because the other elevator riders all started clapping and patting me on the back . I 'm not exactly sure why . I talked to Smith for a second when we got to the bottom and then walked home , still bored and a little out of it for letting my mind wander for a few hours . I walked home even though it was cold and nearly a two mile walk . But then , these things happen . The clothing is the same : Gal 's all decked out in a flowing white dress , Guy 's in a tux . There isn 't a wedding party ( so there isn 't a wedding procession ) , but the mothers DO go up to the front and light candles ( they , however , are in traditional Korean clothing ) . At the wedding I went to , there was a little slide show before hand that showed the bride and groom at more and more recent times until there was a picture of them together . . . then a picture of them together in their wedding clothes . The ceremony started out pretty much the same ( or I can assume it did because it was all in Korean ) . . . but here 's where things got a little odd . About half way through the preacher talking ( and yes , preacher is correct . It was a Christian wedding ) one of my friends from work tapped me on the shoulder . See , in Korea , most people get married at what are affectionately called " wedding factories . " The couple has a limited amount of time to get married , have a reception , and get the hell out of there before the next couple comes in . So there isn 't enough time to lounge around just watching a wedding . Oh no , you have to go and take part in the reception right in the middle of the ceremony . The buffet style set up was right next door . I casually ate and then strolled back to the ceremony . Korean weddings must be rather long , because everything was still going on . . . and people were still getting up and heading over to the buffet as they felt like it . And then , right when that last shutter snapped , we were ushered out . The next wedding party was already on their way up the stairs and the buffet was already being replenished . I could barely take all that romance . As I said , Rose , my boss , disappeared in the middle of the day for several hours . No one knew where she went for sure , but someone seemed to think she was in a meeting with Mrs . Gu , the head of ths school . When Rose came back , she was visibly upset : crying , avoiding everyone , not like herself at all . For everyone except Mom ( who 's actually met Rose ) , let me explain Rose a little . Rose is the supervisor at my school . She makes the schedules , she updates the syllabi , she fills in when people are abscent , and she helps whenever we need it ( and all the foreign teachers need it a lot ) . She always does all this with kindness and a smile on her face . She really is a great person , someone whom I really like , and someone without whom I might have gone crazy when I first came here . There were several teachers sick this week , so my day was PACKED with stuff to do . I never got a chance to ask Rose what the problem was before it was time to head home ( speaking of which , the next month or so will probably be packed at work , so don 't expect much in the way of emails during the day . Looks like I got the internet at home just in time ) . Here 's that happened : Mrs . Gu calls Rose into her office . She just lays into Rose about what 's she 's doing wrong at school - - most of which is exaggerated if not out and out lies . She tells Rose that she needs to work every weekend and stay until 10 every night to do her job appropriately , which is , of course , silly . She says that Rose 's trip to Thailand over our Christmas break is " just an excuse to get out of work . " And this goes on for three hours . It ends with Mrs . Gu saying that if Rose doesn 't like it , she can leave . There 's no other way to see it than that Mrs . Gu was pretty much forcing a resignation . None of this is true , by the way . Rose is a great boss . I 've never seen her NOT working . She comes in every day at 9 and stays until 8 at night . She only takes a 15 minute lunch . And she works most Saturdays . All said , it 's probably good for her . She gets worked hard at Swaton and can never travel ( something she really likes to do ) . I 'm sure she can get a much better job . Still , it 's terrible the way it went down . For us , it 's awful . Rose is one of the people that makes Swaton great . We 'll get by without her , sure , and I 'm really happy that she can move on to better things , but I hate to see her go . I really do . Believe me , though , I 'm keeping in touch . Darryl and I are already have plans with her to have dinner next month , and she 's offered to help us with our Korean once or twice a week if we 'd like to meet with her . What a class act . At any rate , the foreign teachers have conferred and decided we won 't just let this one slide ( which is the appropriate thing to do in Korea ) . We 've asked for a meeting with Mrs . Gu and intend to tell her of our disapproval of what 's happened . The meeting won 't be until Friday ( partially because of end of the month busyess , partially because if we do it earlier in the week , Mrs . Gu might blame it on Rose and make her last week even more unbareable ) . I 'll post to tell how it went this weekend . Wish me luck . Just to let you know , this is the first post of four about this weekend . I guess when stuff happens , it happens all at once . This one is the easiest to explain , so it goes first . I 'll post the other three events when I have time , but that might not be for a few days . Damian sent my computer the fast way , so it was here in just under a week . By here , I mean here in Korea , not in my possession . On Tuesday , I got a letter ( in Korean ) that I had to ask to find out what it meant . Apparently , I had to fill out an attached form : who sent you the package ? What does that person do for a living ? How do you know that person ? What is the contents ? How do you intend to use the contents ? Etc . I filled out the form and took it back to the post office . In half - assed English , a man tried to explain to me something about customs and personal use . I gave up and just had him write down in Korean what he was trying to say . I took that letter to my boss , and she had no idea what it was trying to say either . She said she 'd call , so I waited . On Wednesday , my boss called the post office , who told her to then call customs . Customs told her that I needed to fax over a copy of the receipt , my Korean identification card , my passport , and the form that I took to the post office . I didn 't have my passport with me , so I had to wait until the next day . On Thursday , I faxed everything over . About half way through the day , I get a response saying they can 't read the receipt fax . I sent it again , but still it was no go , so they asked me to email a copy . I did . It didn 't go through . I did to another address . It didn 't go through . I did to a third email address . Finally it went through . Great , I thought , I 'll finally get my computer . On Friday , I get a fax back . It 's , get this , a BILL . They charged me to pick up my package . The fee was roughly $ 200 : 10 % tax plus a " service fee " of $ 55 . I got totally screwed . I went to my boss to have her explain it . She had to leave for several hours in the middle of the explanation ( the reason she left , I didn 't find out until later that night . I 'll explain it in another post - - 1 of the 4 major things that happened this weekend ) , but when she came back , she told me that I could get an advance on my next paycheck to pay for it . A huge hassle , but , I suppose , problem solved . So I finally got the computer ( which they didn 't even bother to send over , by the way . I had to go and pick it up at the post office ) . It 's great and I love it . I fiddled around a lot this weekend , but I don 't have the internet yet . I 'm trying to get it set up . Let 's see how THAT goes : ) . My computer made it to Korea . . . and is a block away at the post office . I got a letter ( in Korean , obviously ) saying that they wouldn 't give it to me . I went to the post office to see what was going on . They tried to explain it to me - - the only part of the conversation I understood was " customs " and " phone call . " They wrote me a note in Korean to give to someone to translate , and my boss didn 't even understand what they were trying to say . She 's going to call today to see what 's up . Well , it 's only a block away . . . but I can 't touch it . I was standing outside Daejon train station wrapped up in bags when the old woman approached me . " Sex ? " she said . I rifled though my head to figure out what that could possibly mean in Korean . I had so many bags because I had just come back from Seoul . I went up there with friends because they wanted to buy new laptops ( to go along with my new one - - I guess I 've started a trend . They even bought the exact same model as me ) , and I wanted to buy accessories for my new computer . My friends decided to go out after coming back to Daejon , but I had a cold , so I wanted to go home . This meant that it was me carrying all the bags back to the apartments . So it goes . " Sex ! " she practically yelled . This woman must have been approaching 70 years old . She 's what you call an " adjuma " here in Korea : a woman of the old Korean style , usually really strong willed , usually short and stocky , usually tough as the sole of a shoe . Imagine a mean old grandma and you 're pretty close . " My motel , " she continued in Korean , " sex . " Then I remembered : " sex " in Korean means " sex . " I was trying to figure it out , and it was exactly what my first instinct told me it was . " Then sleep , " she said . " You come to my motel , and you can sleep . " I find it funny that she offered the sex first and then the chance to sleep at her motel . I guess they think that tourists have a very unique set of priorities . More bloggin ' is on the way . Why ? I finally bought a computer for home . Until now , I 've been limited in when I can write for my blog by when I can find breaks during my day at work . But no more . I bumped into my former Korean teacher on Saturday ( he teaches the beginner classes , and I 've moved up to intermediate beginner ) . He had his son with him . I asked his son 's name , and then asked if the name means anything . Much like American names , most Koreans ' names " don 't mean shit " to quote Pulp Fiction ( thanks for reminding me of that Dr . Kaufmann ) , but his son 's name DOES mean something . " Big , " he said , " ummm . . . flag . " One of my young students , Adam , has let me know that he made it to school safely every morning by yelling something at me . Early on , Adam yelled his Korean name at me . " Bak Gee Hoon , " he 'd yell , and then laugh and run away . Then he started quizzing me , " Teacher , what 's my name ? " If I said " Bak Gee Hoon , " he 'd run away yelling that I spoke Korean ; if I said " Adam , " he 'd say I was wrong and pester me until I said his Korean name . Eventually , he got bored with that . . . but it took a while . As you can imagine , this got quite annoying . I 've often got things to do in the morning : plan classes , put together art projects , and , of course , write on my blog . I had taken to locking doors to keep him out , but it rarely worked . He was so persistant in wanting me to catchy that he 'd back on the door and yell . Some days he 'd even get on the floor and put his lips under the door to make sure I heard . Wednesday morning , I came in a little late because I was in the gym . I crept around avoiding Adam and went to my desk . Nothing , not a word , which is really surprising because Adam has a preternatural ability to find me when I don 't want to be found . " Oh , yeah . You might want to know . We got a call from Adam 's mother today . She got a job , and Adam will be living with his Grandmother on weekdays . He won 't be coming anymore . " So that 's it . He didn 't even come to pick up his books . No goodbye to me or his classmates . No hiding from him in the morning anymore . No more " Ryan Teacher Catchy . " I 'll probably never see him again . Name : RPShep Location : United States I 'm an American who lived in Korea for six years . While there , I taught at a Korean university . I 'm currently living in the US studying for my PhD in Rhetoric and Composition .

On a Saturday , the parking lot of farmers ' market is like a giant playground filled with bigger , meaner kids all waiting to knock into you . There is nothing more intimidating than a Main Line mother in a Land Rover who is gunning for the same parking space you 've scoped out . She 'll cut you off without a thought , while jabbering away into her cell phone , completely oblivious that she 's driven the wrong way on a one - way lane to do it . Once inside the bustling farmers ' market I wander from stall to stall . I 've forgotten what I wanted , but I meander among the bright green and yellow gourds and fat orange pumpkins , the fresh bunches of crimson radishes and deep purple eggplants . The flower stalls feature ghosts and witches scattered among the bright fall mums . Halloween has come to the farmers ' market . I can smell apple cider in the air along with the usual coffee . Usually I see at least ten or more people I know at the market , but today I have been mercifully anonymous . I 'm not sure what 's happening to me . Why I find it easier and easier to slip out of my life and into this quieter place . I stir at the cider , and feel my eyes fill with tears I blink away . I am a stranger in my own life . I suppose the problem is that I 've always drifted along with the current because I 've been afraid . I 've never wanted to stand out . I 've always wanted to blend . No controversy please . Nothing unpleasant . I dance along the edges of friendship , because friendship is a tenuous thing . It slips away quick as a whisper . I am a good friend , but I never hold on to anyone too tightly . I never talk too freely , nor drink too much . Not even with my husband , especially not with him . We dance our stately dance , always in perfect time , always in step , never quite touching . Each year seems to weigh more and more heavily upon us , and the silences , the things unsaid , grow deeper and darker . The children John was so eager to add to our little circle have enriched us at a cost . Every year I feel as though a little portion of myself has chipped away . I am no longer me . I 'm John 's wife or someone 's mom . It is little wonder that I must be introduced to John 's co - workers over and over again . I swallow the dregs of my cider and stand up , gathering my packages . The air feels a little colder as I walk to my car . In the bright sunlight , I am little more than a passing shadow . She hated this house . With its long winding driveway , it was built deep in the woods that drew closer around it every year . Colin liked what he called " the serenity " , the wildlife that came right up to the door : the deer , the foxes , the squirrels and chipmunks . The lack of crime . Emily grew up in the city . The pigeons in Washington Square had always been enough nature for her , but she understood Colin 's logic . After all , she had been mugged right in front of their city townhouse . She hadn 't been hurt , but Colin was upset . After she gave birth to Hannah then Will , Colin said it was time they moved out of the city because kids needed open space . " The schools are much better . We can go public or private . We 'll buy a house close to the train , so you can go in town whenever you want , " he said . " But my job . It 's just so inconvenient to drive in and out . " Emily loved working for the food bank . True , it didn 't pay much , but she felt productive writing grant proposals . When she needed to work from home , it wasn 't a problem , and nobody cared if she brought the kids in with her . " Darling , you don 't need to work , " Colin said . " When the kids get older , then you can go back full time . If you 're bored , volunteer at school . Get to know the other moms around here . " But there were no other moms because their house sat alone down this long driveway on three acres of ground that bordered the park . The women in their neighborhood worked . It wasn 't a development , so there were no children . When the time came , they chose a well - known private school for the kids , and Emily dutifully volunteered for as many events as she could manage , but she never quite felt that she belonged . Her comfortable jeans and tee shirts seemed too casual , but she never seemed to find the right sort of things , even when she shopped at the same stores as the other moms . When there was a project or a committee forming , the women were quick to call her , but afterward Emily found herself alone . " You 're not trying hard enough , " Colin said . " We go to these school parties , and you talk about things that don 't interest them . No one cares about the food bank . You should take up tennis or golf . Join a book club . " Emily did what Colin suggested and made a few friends , but she always felt as though she were wearing a mask . As the years passed she thought she was becoming a different Emily and supposed that was a good thing . She threw birthday and holiday parties , and after a while began to get lunch invitations on a regular basis . Maybe Colin was right . She just needed to change her attitude to become a brittle , social Emily . From far off , Emily heard a bang and remembered they were shooting deer in the park because the population was getting out of control . A three - day campaign had started yesterday . The shot startled the turkey vultures , and they took off in a flurry of wings . A deer scrambled across the driveway , followed by a second and third . Goodness , there was a whole herd . They disappeared down the small hill on the right . Emily waited until they disappeared before she headed up to the box . A last deer crashed the through the trees , stumbled , and landed almost at Emily 's feet . The deer 's sides heaved for a moment before she gave a great shudder . She gazed up at Emily with unseeing dark eyes . Two men dressed in dark clothing with orange caps and vests came through the woods . " Sorry ma ' am , " one said . " This one was wounded . She was a runner though . We 'll get her out of here right away . " The men hefted the deer and headed back through the woods , their orange - capped heads sinking down between their shoulders as they bore her weight . The deer 's head tipped back , and Emily stared into her lifeless eyes . The deer seemed to whisper to her . She sat on a bench in the Public Gardens , legs tucked beneath her . It was too cold for the swan boats , so tourists weren 't crowding around with their squawking children to ride the ridiculous boats in a circle around the water . As if the Boston experience wasn 't complete without sitting in a crowded boat with a bunch of loud , sticky children and fat , stinking adults . Bobby worked a swan boat last summer , and he used to mimic the tourists . " ' Ooh , Martha , get a picture of little Tyler waving , ' " he 'd say . " ' Peter , don 't cry , and Mommy will get you another ice cream . ' " He made fun of them , but somehow never sounded mean . She didn 't know how he managed to pull off that trick . " They 're just people , " he 'd say . " Didn 't your folks ever take you to parks ? " She 'd get a flash of her mother in her red capris and tight tee shirts and her father in his jeans with his stomach jutting over the top and his collection of horrid Hawaiian shirts . Her mother 's hair was almost white at the ends , and it darkened to black at the roots . Her father had a tattoo of a snake and a sword on his bicep . They never went anywhere , but she did . In her mind . She told Bobby that . Bobby would smile and give his " Welcome to Boston " spiel to the tourists and act so polite with his " Yes , ma ' ams and no sirs , and I 'd be glad to recommend a good , cheap restaurant . " Often a big spender would even slip him a dollar or two . " Thanks , he 'd say . I 'm working my way through , MIT . " Sometimes it was Tufts or BU or Northeastern - not Harvard because he said that turned people off . Most days she worked at Great Rocks in Cambridge , selling overpriced , polished stone jewelry and knick knacks to hipsters . It was easy work , and she could fake the talk . She had cultivated a faint British accent . When people asked her where she was from , she always smiled and said , " All over , really . " She had gotten invited to a lot of parties that way . Bobby was the only one who saw through her act , but he liked it , probably because they were two of a kind . He moved in with her that first night when they met at an almost - end - of - the - year MIT frat party . Chi Piss - Off or Delta Up - Yours . It was easy to crash those parties . You just had to show up if you were a girl , and she had a fake BU ID . Bobby didn 't need to crash . He was the man who handed out party favors in little cello bags to those with the means to afford them . " Tell me your thoughts about game theory , " he said with that big white smile . " I don 't know much about game theory , but I know a player when I see her . " They left the party and walked down Bay State Road . It had been one of those cool spring nights , and he offered her his jacket . He seemed so gallant . No guy ever treated her like Bobby . She told him things she hadn 't told anyone . She said she was only a year short of her own degree when she left Philadelphia and wanted to see the world , but she only had enough money to get to Boston . It was cheaper than New York and farther from her parents . She felt a longing to do something , but didn 't know what . It was like she was tied by some invisible tether and needed to break free . He said he was a student of life , and they 'd break free together . She so wanted to believe in him . But now she understood happiness was just a short , dazzling flight until you crashed back into the dirt . She should have known that Bobby was a golden bird , and she was a crow . That summer her boss promoted her to store manager and offered her the apartment over the shop at reduced rent . " It 's a little noisy with all the college kids , but the neighborhood 's great . You 're a hard worker . You got a future . " She put down her payment and gave notice to her current landlord , who didn 't care as long as he got his last month 's rent check . She figured she 'd surprise Bobby . They had a good life . She paid rent ; he paid for food and extras . She just had to find the right moment because she didn 't want him to think she was being too pushy , but for the first time in her life she felt content . He was the missing part of her . He gave her a necklace he said he made in an art class . It was two entwined brass circles on a simple chain . " It 's not much , " he said , " but I almost burned off my fingers making it . I wanted to give it to someone I really cared for . " She swore never to take it off , even though somewhere in her mind it registered that he had no burn scars . She didn 't question his love until she saw his cell phone . It was an accident . He was in the shower , and she pushed a button and saw another golden bird , a fiancé named Bryn . She wished she hadn 't looked , but it was like trying to unspill ink . The blot was there . Did he know ? Maybe he wanted her to see . She told herself it didn 't matter , that he really loved her , but she felt the lie mocking her when they lay together at night . She wanted to talk to him about the golden bird and the new apartment , but she didn 't . She couldn 't get the words out . Sometimes when he went out , she wondered if he 'd call her from the airport and tell her he wasn 't coming back , and she 'd touch his things : his clothes , his grungy backpack , trying to hold on to him . Three days later , it hit the news . " Robert Richfield Ford Jensen III was identified as the shooting victim in Thursday nights ' East Cambridge robbery - homicide . He was shot at point blank range with a . 9 mm semi - automatic , and the police are asking for your help in identifying the killer . " They showed his Yale University graduation picture because he 'd been shot in the head three times . The police said it looked like a drug - related killing . They found some cello bags of cocaine under the body . There were no witnesses , and no one connected Robert Richfield Ford Jensen III to the girl who lived in the tiny South Boston apartment on the edge of respectability . She wasn 't sure what was worse : that he never told her who he was , or that he was planning to leave her at the end of the summer . His parents flew his body back home to Colorado for a private burial . The police never did find a suspect ; all they got was a bunch of half - assed descriptions of a thin black male in a baggy tracksuit . She heard they picked up a couple of guys just to keep the parents happy but had to let them go . She gave away that tracksuit to Goodwill and dropped the necklace and the . 9 mm semi - automatic into the Charles River a month later . She 'd stolen the gun from her father before she left home because a girl needs protection from the wrong type of guy , even if he looks golden . She also threw away Bobby 's grungy backpack , but kept the twenty - two thousand she found sewn into its lining . She was going to flush the rest of the cello bags down the toilet , but instead tucked them into the pockets of an old pair of jeans she threw in the bottom of the laundry hamper . Those bags might come in useful once the fall semester was underway . Rich kids were always looking to get high . The new apartment wasn 't too large , but it had a washer and dryer , and she could look out and see the red bricks of Harvard rising up just beyond her . Cambridge was trendy , and she liked hearing the noise and chatter below . Maybe she 'd take some extension classes or an on - line course or two . Maybe she 'd get her degree . Lots of people were getting their degrees these days . In the end , Celine supposed , all love stories ended in tragedy . She brushed a piece of lint off the sleeve of her black Chanel suit , grateful that the day was cool . The long sleeves covered the fading bruises on her arms . She peered one last time into the mirror to satisfy herself that her cosmetics covered the discoloration under her left eye . Perfect . She was ready to receive her guests . " You killed him ! You killed my Matthew ! " she bellowed . Thank goodness Mr . Bishop and Mr . Davis had immediately and quite firmly shown her the door . Celine reminded herself to slip a substantial tip to the undertaker and his assistant for their efficiency . Celine believed in rewarding service well done . At the time Celine had clutched her pearls and leaned back against James , who caught her arm and murmured soothing words into her ear . " Don 't worry , Moms , she 's gone now . Dad was an idiot . A rotten idiot . " Matthew died because the arteries to his heart were more than eighty percent blocked . After forty years of red meat , alcohol , cigars , and women who were far too young for him , his blood was like wet cement . He was one week from an operation to replace three of his heart valves when a massive coronary struck him down . That was the decree of his doctor . Who was she to argue ? If only he 'd been able to get to his nitroglycerin pills in time , he might have been able to call out for help . But no , he thrashed in his bed gurgling and choking and begging , his face turning from red to blue to purple as he choked for air . In the morning the tiny white pills lay scattered on the floor , and the bottle lay in the middle of the rug . It had been over in less than five minutes . Her bedroom was down the hall , too far away for her to hear or help , Celine explained to Matthew 's doctor when he came personally that morning to fill out the death certificate . Though she was completely serene , she delicately dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief . He patted her back and said she mustn 't blame herself . In the recesses of her dark heart Celine had always known Matthew had married her for her parents ' old money prestige , but even understanding that , she had loved him once . He was handsome and witty , and she had lovely memories of their honeymoon in Paris when he charmed her with his French , his appreciation of Monet and Matisse , his knowledge of the city . He had seemed charming and sophisticated then , so much so that she 'd overlooked his arrogance , his rudeness to waiters and those he thought beneath him . His temper . The temper he let loose with increasing frequency as the years passed . She 'd grown tired of wearing long sleeves in summer and extra make up to cover the damage , but she was too proud to admit she 'd made a mistake . He wanted her connections , and she enjoyed living in splendor . Everything in life came at a price . Eventually his other women didn 't bother her in the least as long as they kept him out of her bed . She didn 't care about his rudeness or drinking as long as he directed it away from her . She would go and soothe the hurt feelings Matthew left in his wake . His deliberate cruelty was another thing entirely . She began to make a tally of every incident , every outrage , but Celine had allowed a tough shell to form around her heart . She was also patient . Three years ago Matthew had deliberately run over her favorite cat , Montgomery , as the old fellow lay sunning himself in the driveway . Though infuriated , Celine said nothing . She had Montgomery cremated and enshrined his ashes in a sterling silver urn that she kept in her bedroom . After Matthew 's own cremation , she collected his remains from Mr . Bishop and told the undertaker she needed to spend one last evening with her husband before he was forever entombed . Celine dumped his remains in the trash , and returned Montgomery 's silver urn over to the undertaker the next morning . She mixed in some cat liter to balance the weight . She nodded sagely when Matthew 's law partner said , " My God , we just played eighteen holes at Merion the day before he died . He seemed fine , better than fine . But I guess you never know . The doc says if he could have gotten to those pills . . . " His voice trailed off in a haze of scotch and regret . Matthew 's beloved Bunnahabhain 25 . Celine never cared for scotch . It was eleven o " clock , and she felt like she 'd been at work for a month when Sam Chase stood and walk to the window to stare out at the street below . People scurried past , traffic was beginning to grow heavy in anticipation of the noon rush ; two police cars wove in and out of the rest of the cars and trucks , sirens blaring . Life in its rawest form existed here . Sam thought there were city people and suburbanites . She knew she could never live out in suburbs in a house with a manicured green lawn and commute each day to work on the train . She 'd miss the grittiness of the city . Here she walked everywhere from her apartment to work , to restaurants and cafes , to the theater . She didn 't need a car . She just loved that . He eased himself into one of the leather chairs in front of her desk . " First thing , Sam . Your work on the Mester deal was a work of art . I wanted to personally congratulate you before the official hoopla . " Sam smiled uncertainly . Jim McDonough seldom , if ever , came down to give personal congratulations to anyone . Good work was its own reward , especially for younger members of the firm . True she 'd reaped some hefty bonuses and congratulations in official meetings , but almost never a private audience with Jim McDonough in person . Except after last summer , but that was exceptional in a lot of ways . " Well , you proved yourself repeatedly over the last few years , especially last summer . That 's why I wanted to tell you personally that we 've decided to make you a partner . It 's not official yet , so I 'd ask you not to talk about it . We 'll work out the perks and details later . I will say it involves a hefty pay raise . " Sam felt as if she were being pumped with helium . Partner here in this city she always loved . She thought after last summer she 'd be relegated to some rathole , even if she had saved the company from a disaster . Marks and McDonough didn 't like disasters . It was bad for business , even if they had the personnel to make disasters disappear . Sam was about to answer when Jim said . " There 's more . We 're expanding our operations and looking for people we can trust to step in and get everything up and running . " Jim was talking about the company buying apartments for the senior management , but she was scarcely listening . She was walking along the Seine pretending to Audrey Hepburn , except in her case there was no Cary Grant . Of course , in real life , there were no Cary Grants . Jim shifted in his seat a little . Uncomfortably , she thought . " Bob Kerrigan , Gordon Albright , Mark Levin , Rebecca Judson , Maya Lee , and you to start . Plus Tom Kestler . I 'm sure there 'll be some other additions . Nothing 's final yet . Consider this a promotion with a huge perk . " He stood , and she shook his hand , knowing the conversation was at an end . When he left she fell back into her chair . She spoke basic French , and it was rusty and Bob Kerrigan spoke Spanish . She didn 't know about the others , except she thought Maya might speak Japanese and maybe some French . Mark Levin was brilliant and probably did speak any number of languages . She didn 't know about Gordon or Rebecca . She didn 't know about Tom Kestler , except that she didn 't like him . The only other thing she knew was they were all involved in the incident last summer . They resolved it . They made it disappear . Were they being rewarded or exiled ? Later Sam watched Gordon Albright walk to the elevator , his head bent down and his briefcase gripped in his left hand . Mark Levin strolled out ten minutes later , and she was sure they were meeting somewhere for drinks . They had always been close . Bob Kerrigan and Rebecca Judson worked upstairs , and she didn 't get a chance to see them . She didn 't want to see Tom Kestler . Sam took a breath , then another , and reached a point of clarity . She knew deep down this coming . Somebody always had to clean up messes , and then what ? She 'd been afraid of what she knew , but she wasn 't stupid . She put her affairs in order . She thought she 'd been careful . Maybe the others had been careful as well , or maybe they hadn 't anticipated this day . At seven o ' clock Sam closed her computer as usual , though she 'd accomplished almost nothing , and placed it in its padded sleeve . It was misting outside . That was good . She slipped into her raincoat , took the express elevator , and checked out . The rain was light but persistent when Sam caught the T to Faneuil Hall , and she was grateful to grab a seat to herself . Before exiting the train , she left her computer wedged between the side of the car and seat . On a Friday evening in spring she knew the market would be crowded with all kinds of people . She wandered through the outdoor vendor stalls and up the stairs into the inside gallery . Teenagers pushed past her , eager to get to the open - air concert near the Hall itself , and she was able to slip out of her heels and into a pair of flats . Despite the cool air she took off her Burberry raincoat , shook it out , and brought a purple tote with BOSTON stamped on it in red letters . After transferring the contents of her briefcase into the tote she dumped the empty case in a trash can . Her coat was reversible , so she turned it inside out , shivering a little at the dampness . Sam doubled back and slipped out into the main courtyard of the marketplace where the band was tuning up and managed to work her way through the crowd back toward State Street . In the process she let her cell phone drop to the ground where someone was sure to step on it , kick it about , or maybe even use it . It was conceivable an honest person would turn it in , but she figured it would take a while . She walked briskly to the nearest T - stop . She could walk to her destination , but this would be better . An apartment in the North End awaited her , but she wasn 't going there to stay . Her bags were already packed and loaded into a Honda Civic . In an hour she would be heading for parts unknown . The thought chilled her . She had always loved the city ; she might be leaving it forever . She wondered if she was the only one making plans to escape or if tomorrow , the other honorees would have disappeared as well . They knew after last summer a price would have to be paid . Mark Levin had even said Kaddish . He was right . Now Sam Chase was going to die . The person taking her place melted into the city night . She exited the T and made her way through the winding streets of the North End . Rabbits hung from butchers windows , blood staining the fur around their necks . The rabbits always made her uneasy . Sam walked quickly to her the garage where her car was waiting and opened the padlock . She started up the car and backed out . Just the sight of those rabbits made her too uneasy to even go near the apartment . She had enough to get away . Greed made you stupid . She took a last breath of the city she loved and melted into the night . I lie wedged between him and the wall . Sticky and slightly dizzy , I struggle to sit up . A used condom sticks to my thigh , and I peel it off . I want to bathe in Clorox . Last night he seemed like a hot musician in his skinny jeans and funky yellow shoes . This morning he 's just another guy who wanted to get laid , and I barely remember the sex . He said he was going to be bigger than Justin Timberlake . I figure he 'll be lucky if he ends up singing on street corners for spare change . I feel nauseous , but if I hurl , I 'll wake him . I don 't do the skanky party girl thing . I 'm just not into drinking till you puke and getting laid by guys who only see you as a collection of convenient holes . At least I wasn 't until last night when Ashley finally talked me into it . " Come on , Mad , put down the books and come with me just for once . It 'll be fun . " And it was fun in the semi dark with pounding music and everyone laughing and drinking , so I let go of shy me and become that other person : the cool girl I always wanted to be . I mixed it up with the frat boys who let us in for free because we were girls , and I flirted with the guys who worked the door . Who knew underneath my average exterior was this whole other person ? Was that me ? Or maybe it was just some fun house version of me , distorted with too much black eyeliner , a slut top , and skinny jeans . Tyler / Taylor gives a snort and shifts enough for me to slide out of bed and retrieve my pile of clothes from the floor . His side of the room is cluttered with guitars , pictures of him , and what appear to be song lyrics : the words of a fifth rate writer trying to put a new spin on old clichés . Oh , baby , baby need you so bad On the floor I see Tyler / Taylor 's shiny yellow loafers lying askew . They 're held together by duct tape and staples and are run down and scuffed . Why did I think they were so retro - cool last night ? I wish I 'd hung with his roommate at the party . He was the tall , dark - haired guy with the bright blue eyes , but he seemed kind of shy . His side of the room is filled with books , and an Irish flag hangs over his unmade bed . He got me a Coke when I just couldn 't swill down any more beer , and seemed like a nice guy . Guess I blew that one . I start to leave , then stop and grab the yellow shoes . I tuck them under my sweatshirt and slip out to the elevator . Once outside the crisp morning air revives me a little , and I gulp in deep breaths . I can feel the weight of the yellow shoes against my gut , and for a moment , I 'm not sure what to do or why I took those stupid shoes . Then I take a deep breath and head up the road to the bridge the spans the river running along our campus . I cross to the middle of the bridge and look around . No traffic . No cops . Not even any rowers . Six o ' clock on Sunday morning is a quiet time in the city . One by one I let the shoes drop into the swirling gray water . They float for a moment before the current sucks them away . Anne fumbles for the front door keys , juggling Matthew to the left and struggling to keep the gaping baby bag from dropping its contents all over the front porch . His head rests on her shoulder , heavy as a bowling ball , his blond hair , slightly damp , smelling faintly of shampoo . He must have gained five pounds and grown three inches today . Katherine shifts from one foot to the other , and Anne can hear the impatience in her movements . She finally gets the door unlocked and pushes it open . She tells Katherine to go ahead and watches her daughter march through the door . Her long , brown hair , pulled up in an overlarge yellow hair bow , bounces with each step ; her neat blue school bag is clasped at her side . Katherine walks with precision , every move economical . She places her sweater neatly on its wall peg and takes her bag into the kitchen where she 'll reveal her work from the day and begin her homework after she 's retrieved her snack . Katherine is like a clock , a smaller version of her father . Matthew is a mischievous ball of clutter . Anne lays him on the family room sofa and straightens her back , hands on hips . She feels like an old woman in the worn stretch pants and oversized tunic . The tunic is a relic from her pregnant days , but she hasn 't gotten around to buying new clothes . She mostly fits into her pre - child things except for her jeans . Her stomach will never lie flat again . Covered with a web of stretch marks , it has a small C - Section kangaroo pouch that won 't go away without surgery . It 's a gift from her two children , whose heads wouldn 't fit through her pelvic canal . Anne can 't bring herself to buy jeans in the next size up . Jeff winces at her stretch pants and leggings . " I 'll know , " she says , but she knows he 's right . Sometime on the weekend , maybe , she 'll try to sneak out , if Jeff feels up to watching the kids for a few hours . The family room is a mess . Matt 's trains lie scattered throughout the room , along with his many puzzles and picture books . Anne tries not to rely on the television for entertainment , and it 's easy enough . Matt knows his letters and tries to sound out words , and he will play with puzzles and trains for hours . He likes to build and destroy what he 's built . The trouble is she can 't take her eyes off him . She never knows when a lamp will crash down or a train will smash into the television . It 's already happened . Sometimes he 'll hide out in the cabinets in the kitchen and bang pot lids together or take wooden spoons and bang pots as if they were drums . It 's noisy , but at least she knows where he is . He hasn 't tried to scale the kitchen counters yet . Still , she knows Jeff hates the clutter , so she needs to get it tidied up and dinner on the stove before he gets home . Next year , when Matt starts preschool , maybe she 'll go back to work , but for now , she 's a full - time mom . Anne 's afraid she 's beginning to forget how to have adult conversation , but Jeff thinks its cheaper for her to stay home than try to find a full time nanny . " You taught elementary school , honey , " he says . " You 're great for the kids . Besides , it wasn 't like you were raking in the big bucks . That 's why you have me . " " Yes , Meme . It 's not that heavy . " Katherine never calls her " Mom " . Since she was a baby , she 's called her " Meme " . It sounds like the name Mimi . Anne isn 't sure whether Katherine saw her as an extension of herself and was saying , " me me , " or perhaps thought of her as a large plaything and meant , " mine mine . " Katherine calls her father , " Dad " , but she 's always been " Meme " . Anne gets tired of explaining it to people . " I made this . " Katherine pulls out a drawing . It 's not perfect , but it is striking : a black dragon spewing its yellow and orange fire against a purple sky . " Mrs . Blackstone , the art teacher , says I have amazing talent . What do you think ? " Satisfied , Katherine lays the dragon on the counter . " I love dragons . I 'm writing a story about one , but I didn 't finish because we 're doing co - operative writing , and I had to work with Virginia today . She wanted to write a dumb story about Victorian girls . Like Little Women . " Katherine wrinkles her nose . " I didn 't like Little Women . And Virginia 's a pain . " " Nothing really , except she thinks she 's smarter than every one , which she isn 't . Lydia is better at math , and I 'm better at history and English and writing . She 's just a year older than the rest of the class . I saw on the Science Channel that you might start out smarter when you 're little because of something about your brain , but that by middle school other kids catch up to you so you really aren 't so smart unless you 're really a genius or prodigy . I think they called it neuronplastic . " " Neuroplasticity , " Anne says . Katherine has scored in the genius range on the IQ chart . The psychologist said to have her retested in two years . Katherine can read at the high school level though she 's only in second grade . It amazes Anne how the brain is formed . What genetic strands wove together to form this child who on the surface seems so much like her father with her need to collect data and facts , yet who has such a love for drawing and stories . " And don 't be mean . Maybe in a few years , they 'll catch up to you . " " Mrs . Miller says I 'm unique . I 'm going to be important , and I 'm never going to have children . No offense , but I 'm not going to be like you . I 'm going to be a professional . Maybe I 'll be a doctor like Dad . " Anne says nothing . She simply holds her arms around her chest , as if that would protect her heart . " I 'm not going to be like you " is something she 's heard many times before . Katherine stalks over to the bag and pulls out three more then places them on her plate . She stands with her hands on hips staring at the table in annoyance . " Now my milk isn 't cold enough . She turns to face Anne who wishes Katherine would just eat the damn snack and get down to the business of doing whatever homework assignment she has to do . " Oh , for goodness sakes , " Anne says , exasperated . She walks into the family room to look for Matt but he 's gone . " Matthew ? Where are you ? " Anne hears a sound behind the couch , " We hear you Matt . " Nothing . At last she starts to push the sofa aside , but before she can move it more than an inch Matt scrambles out . His big blue eyes stare up at her innocently ; his mouth , rimmed in chocolate crumbs opens in an O . " Oh , Matt , how many cookies did you take ? " Anne says . She kneels down in front of him , trying to look stern . It 's hard to do . Matt looks exactly like a cherub . It drives his sister crazy . " You 're such a little liar . You took all my cookies , " Katherine says , outraged . " You shouldn 't get any more cookies for at least a week . I 'm telling Dad . " Matt 's eyes fill with tears . He gulps a little , and Anne watches him swallow . " I sorry , Katty . Here . " He offers her two damp , half squashed cookies . Katherine just snorts in annoyance . " Just keep them . I don 't want them now . Don 't steal my cookies . You aren 't supposed to steal . Don 't you know that ? And you aren 't supposed to eat so many sweets . You 'll get diabetes . " Katherine doesn 't hug him back , but she does give him an awkward pat on the head . " All right . Go away now . I 've got to do my homework . " She stalks out to the kitchen , and Anne sits down on the floor with Matt . He gives her a chocolate kiss and holds out the cookies to her . " I love you , Mommy . " He plops down in her lap , and when she shakes her head at his offering , starts to eat . " I know , Mommy . " He gives her a weary sigh that implies he 's learned his lesson . Or maybe it implies that he just wants her to stop talking . " Will you tell me a story ? " He wiggles closer , and Anne wonders at his ability to get himself out of trouble . If Katherine is all sharp edges and precision , Matt is soft and sweet and cunning . People tell her all the time he 'll grow up to be a heartbreaker , but for now she is content to sit and bask in the glow of her son 's love . She hears an ominous rumble then smells something akin to rotting garbage . Matt looks up at her and frames her face with his grubby hands . " I made a dodo . " " Yes , you did , " Anne says . The steps look awfully long this afternoon . She stands and reaches out her hand . " Shall we walk upstairs together ? You 're getting to be a big boy . " They walk up the stairs , and he lies still while she gets him cleaned . Anne has a horrible vision of Matt lying on the changing table as a teenager while she cleans him up and sends him on his way . He 's almost three and isn 't the least bit interested in using the toilet . Anne is about to slap on a fresh pair of disposable underwear when he lets go with a stream of urine that hits the wall . He laughs while she takes a breath , wipes him down again and puts on fresh underwear . She pulls up his overalls and snaps them shut . " Okay . You smell like dodo . " He kisses her and wanders off . She doesn 't have to worry about Matt on the stairs . He 's as dexterous as a monkey . She cleans up and drops the dirty underwear into the old diaper pail . She stands in the middle of the bathroom . Her hair is in need of washing ; she has circles under her eyes ; and she looks like a bag lady . She smells like dodo . Anne wonders if she has time for a shower before she tidies up the family room and makes dinner . She figures she has just about six minutes to shower and dress before Matt annoys Katherine , and they begin to fight . She turns on the shower then reaches into the medicine cabinet for two Valium before she begins the second part of her day .

People have been having supernatural run - ins for years . There 's so much lore out there . What 's real ? What 's fiction ? How do you decide what you believe ? And between urban legends , myths , ghost stories , and supernatural creatures , there 's so much out there . Who are we to say none of it exists ? Basically my sister and I had this same experience . We were staying in a little rental house while moving me into my apartment before sophomore year of college and the two of us were sleeping in the same bed there . One night we had literally just laid down to go to bed when we both started hearing heavy breathing . There was also a perceptible drop in temperature and just a strange feeling in the air , hard to describe . I looked over my shoulder since I was sleeping on my side and I saw a tall dark figure standing next to the bathroom door . While all this was going on , we were both calling to my brother who was sleeping on the pullout couch in the living room , because we thought it was him messing with us . But he kept saying it wasn 't him and then the figure disappeared and the breathing stopped . And then he came in the room so we KNEW it had been a ghost . It was really freaky , especially since we were both totally awake and couldn 't have been dreaming . So the worst thing that ever happened at the jail [ the place where they have Haunted Jail Tours in Charleston ] to me was one night , a woman passed out on a tour and when she came to she threw up . so after dealing with the ambulance and everything I had to go clean it up . I was the only one on the second floor in the pitch black and all of sudden someone starting whispering in my ear … couldn 't understand what they were saying but they did not sound happy . My friend 's house is wicked old , like 1800 's old , and they have a young girl ghost they named Sarah … . One night we were sleeping in the living room and I woke up and saw Sarah walking down the stairs holding a candle , staring straight ahead . It 's not super paranormal . But creepy as shit . When I was young kid , I had a really big room , with my bed wedged into the corner directly opposite of there the door was . My parents always made me close the door when I went to bed , as well as pull down the shades completely , which left the entire room pitch black whenever I went to bed . And I mean - pitch - black with no hint of moonlight or anything else in the room . Now , that in itself wasn 't a big deal , I 've never been scared of the dark and I knew my way around that old room in my sleep . never had anything odd happen , either , until one morning . I woke up a bit earlier than usual , I think it was around 5am - ish hearing voices . I immediately recognized them as NOT being my parents , and at the start they were whispering . I can 't remember what they were talking about , but I remember that as soon as I quietly called out , being the retarded kid I was , they grew louder fast , and more voices started talking at once , each over the other until the room was filled with incomprehensible chatter . I panicked , scrambled out of bed , because screw that shit , and tried making my way towards the door with the voices ever growing louder , and now that I was slowly moving through my room , arms stretched out to the front so I wouldn 't run into the walls i heard some of the voices starting to laugh , and I distinctly remember them laughing in a very mocking manner , taunting me for something . When I finally reached my door and just pulled it open , everything was silent IMMEDIATELY . Nothing like that ever happened again , and when I told my parents about it a bit earlier they said they both didn 't hear anything , although they were probably asleep at the time anyway . After that happened , though , I never entered a pitch black room again without some sort of light source . I always tipped my shutters slightly open to allow at least a bit of light into the room and still do that to this day like a normal person . I was helping my friend with a photo project , he had to take some " supernatural shots " where we would have to go somewhere old like the woods or abandoned buildings and edit them . We decided to go to this old toy store nearby my house and take the pictures there . I knew the woman who owned it , she was pretty nice , but to other people she was creepy . She let us in to take the pictures and she left to go and pack boxes . I was helping him with his camera when we heard some thumping , than one of the toys turned on . It was a baby doll that talked and cried , but it 's sound box was messed up so it sounded demonic . We thought it was just the old woman who pressed it by accident , so we brushed it off . As he was taking the pictures I was looking around the store and saw that the old lady had left , so I looked outside but her car was still there . ' Probably out in the back getting more boxes ' I thought . My friend was going to the storage room and I heard him scream . I ran to him and saw that the old lady had been having a heart attack so I called an ambulance right away . Sadly she passed away before she got to the hospital . My friend told me he left the camera at the store so I went with him to get it , and we saw a flash . The camera had taken a picture so we want to look at it . We saw a white figure that looked like an old man standing in the doorway . Then the camera was knocked over . We never went back . About two years ago , the family and I went to the mountains to spend the weekend . It was a small little fishing - centric town . There was a bed n ' breakfast inn that we stayed at . That night I couldn 't sleep in the room although the rest of my family was sound asleep . I just kept feeling something was out of place , like I was being watched . So I continued to lay down and all of a sudden the left side of my body , my hairs stood up and I got the goosebumps . I felt someone or something was there . I literally jumped and was was scared shitless . I 've never really believed in supernatural entities but that night made me a believer . I felt I was being watched , someone was there with me . I did not sleep at all that entire night . Once morning came , we went to breakfast . I was talking with the family about my experiences that night . The owners wife who was serving breakfast asked how we all slept , and I told her my experience . She said that over 100 or so years ago there was a fire and a young girl was trapped in the bedroom and died . Previous guests also had noted similar experiences as mine . I simply said jokingly " Oh , well thanks for informing me of this before we rented . " Back to the room we were packing and I looked at the stay log and noticed many people have experienced the same thing . They left the room to grab a bite to eat , came back and all their stuff was organized , etc . Also , one night I stayed at my cousins house and he lives near a military training field out in the country , I went to sleep on my cousins bed with a small blanket by myself , I ended up getting woke up to a really bad cold chill and i opened my eyes to see a silhouette watching me sleep . I didn 't think much of it for the 10 seconds that I stared at him . I fell back asleep and when we were eating breakfast the next morning I was told about the soldier ghost they have . Then it hit me , that 's what was staring at me last night . maybe he was just checking in to see who I was ? who knows . 10 . elvnsword I have smelt burned flesh and heard the incinerator on property start up when it is completely impossible for the machine to do so . ( The gas - line that powers it is cut ) When they dug in for new buildings to be laid on the property I have seen and heard power tools be turned on in the construction zones after hours when no one was in the area . We could watch the floors on the cameras from the control booth , you would see the sander , or drill just start up for a few seconds , then turn off , as if someone were curious how they worked but we couldn 't see them . Some places in the building were down right foreboding . Made you feel like you needed to NOT be there , specifically the back of the old foundation in the machine room of the basement for building one . That one corner just three walls in a 3 × 4 ft area , made everyone I know who was in it 's area feel downright spooked , especially at night . I was young . Probably about 8 . My grandparents told me to stay away from the attic . Well , natural childhood curiosity got the best of me one day . I was playing upstairs and decided to go check it out . I opened the door and there was a man there . He had blood coming from his eyes , nose and ears . He said , " You know you 're not supposed to be up here . " I freaked out of course . Ran downstairs and told my grandparents . It turns out that the guy I saw resembled my grandfather 's friend who died in the house . Cause of death : burst aneurysm in the brain . 12 . tylerclae Craziest experience : I was with my friends Jess and Danielle , who is now my girlfriend , and we were on our way to drop her off . It was late , maybe around 11 : 30PM , and pitch black . All night I 've been getting glimpses out of the corner of my eyes of shadow like apparitions . They look like the outline of a body but no facial detail , and I can 't even determine if male or female . I didn 't think much of it , because I never felt a threatening feeling from it so I shook it off most of the night . Anyways , we pull up to Danielle 's house and we say bye . As soon as she closes the door an overwhelming floral smell comes through my AC . I check my rear view mirror to where Danielle was previously sitting and there was an older woman sitting there . I knew she was a spirit , because the things around her looked faded , dull , lifeless . Even though it was just the back seat of my car she seemed like a painting . The woman didn 't look at me , just out the window towards the moon . I looked at Jess the moment I saw the woman and she replied with , " I know . " We kept driving but the air got heavy , like hard to breathe . Like when you go outside in a really dense fog . Its almost like you have to try harder to get a full breath . We rolled the windows down and then turned on the radio . The first thing that came over the radio was , " This one goes out to all of the folks who are no longer with us , but are watching over us right now . " I noped out of that one and put on some hip hop , booty shaking , club banging music hoping to drown out the heaviness of the situation . So after the booty poppin ' music started to play things died down quite a bit , until after I dropped Jess off . I turned the music off because I was starting to develop a head ache , and my neck was getting sore . As soon as I parked my car in my garage I felt the air thicken and heard the silence take over . I checked the rear seat and there she was . The old woman . But this time she was looking directly at me . I froze and kept eye contact with her . A minute passed , which felt like hours , and then she looked away . I looked at the front of my car because I thought I saw something cross in front of my head lights , then i looked to my left after possibly seeing something in my side mirror , and then my right . She was sitting next to me in the front passenger seat . The silence was deafening , the air was musky with the smell of damp flowers . Then this loud ringing started to resonate from her . Like that annoying mosquito ring tone you could get on old phones . It got to the point where it was starting to hurt . I closed my eyes and covered my ears trying to make the sound less irritating . As soon as I opened my eyes everything stopped . No more shadows , no more weird old lady , no more buzzing , and I can hear the normal hum of our water heater . I haven 't seen her since , but the shadows come and go . So anyway I was coming back from a friend 's house about 2 nights before Christmas Eve . I got home quite late my parents were already in bed . I was about to go into the part of the house I was staying the night . The physical sensations I experienced when seeing this ? I have been frightened before , I have been in dangerous situations , I have even scared myself … This was different … when I saw this manifestation , instantly every SINGLE cell in my body freaked out SIMULTANEOUSLY . I cannot emphasize how horrible that feels - you have absolutely no control over it , maybe that 's the frightening part . My body knew instinctively ( even if I did not ) that it was in the presence of something not of this earth . I slammed the door of my room shot pretty damn quick as you can imagine , although I have no idea what protection a shut door would have against something like that . I calmed down pretty quickly , considering what had just happened ( and I am only now considering the ' oddness ' of THAT , actually ) and then looking at the experience objectively . Funnily enough , even 5 minutes after it had happened , I was thinking " did I really just see that ? Was that real ? " 14 . Ared90 Several years ago I lived in an apartment off state and pierce park in Garden City , Idaho that gave me the creeps over time . It was a fairly new development though I am not exactly sure how old it couldn 't have been build earlier than the mid 90 's . The place didn 't look scary by any means it was a well lit , clean apartment that seemed like it had few residents under its belt . It started with me feeling kind of uncomfortable from time to time when I was home alone . That feeling of being watched by something , you know ? for months I got that feeling when I was alone . Eventually my roommate and I started sleeping with each other ( bad move ) . a few weeks later some strange things started to happen . mind you she had recently divorced and was in a weird transitional phase which I connect to all of this for some reason . Also , she was a caretaker for dying old people which I also kind of connect this to . Anyway , after a night together she had to go to work that morning . It must have been a couple hours after she had left but I was woken up by one of the bathroom doors connected to the bedroom slam closed . I called for her but got no answer . I didn 't think anyone had entered because of how noisy the front door was I would have heard her enter . Seconds later I could hear heavy dragging sounds almost like like stomping feet but a heavier slow stride for about a minute . Then for about 45 minutes in 30 second to 2 minute intervals I would hear this loud sound like someone was taking a marble and throwing it at the bathroom door as hard as they could . I was completely floored . Scared and couldn 't bring myself to move . I laid there until she came home but made no mention of the incident . It happened one more than 10 occasions sometimes not as long . There was one particular weekend I had the place to myself while she was out of town and I heard a bunch of fast paced whispering really close to me that I couldn 't understand . Then out of nowhere I heard a very loud whisper right next to my ear say " hey " in 15 . stabbyrum I don 't care if anyone believes me - I know what I felt . I make no claims about what caused this feeling , but I 'm getting ahead of myself . I was 20 , and back in my room at my parent 's house for the summer . It was time for bed ( my parents enforced a strict curfew - lights out , router unplugged , etc ) . I was in my bed with the lights on . My room is on the corner of the house . It 's not a big house - 3 bedrooms 2 bathrooms on 1 / 4 acre in suburbia . It 's not by any means a spooky place . Outside my window were rose bushes that had been there forever . On the other side of the outer wall was a pond and a grapefruit tree . Altogether the least spooky atmosphere ever . I sat on my bed , with other people in the house and the lights on when I felt it . You know that feeling when someone 's looking at you , or hovering over your shoulder ? Take that and magnify it , then add the feeling you get facing someone who hates you ( if you 've ever faced that ) . Someone just staring at you , hating . I could feel it when my back was to that outer wall . I felt a panic . I could feel there was something there as real as I can feel the keys under my fingers . My rational mind said there was nothing there , but I felt it . It felt as real as the breeze from my osculating fan . It felt so real , that when my parents came in to say good night , they could tell something was wrong . Normally if you 're behaving irrationally , you won 't admit it to someone . Would any of you over 10 admit to being afraid of the dark to your parents ? Not likely ! But this wasn 't a fear of the dark . As I said , I was sitting in a lit room . So when they asked if something was wrong , I told them . I didn 't care that it sounded crazy - I was terrified . They didn 't understand . They said okay , goodnight ! and left the room . I tried to rationalize with myself that there was nothing there , and even if there was there is no way that I could sense it . That 's just absurd ! Even so , I could not look away from that wall . When I tried to ignore it , my spine would tingle in a very uncomfortable way . 16 . MarsupialRage My family has a shadow man living in our house . He usually hangs out at the landing on our stairs or upstairs . It 's not that he 's actually done something ( like moving stuff ) but he 's pretty loud . My dogs are constantly at the foot of our stairs looking at him , we can hear him walking around upstairs , things like that . One time my boyfriend and I were home alone , when we heard distinct foot steps outside my door . Turns out , no one was home , he just walks heavily . 17 . vanilla4 Hubby and I were staying at a relatively new ( or it may have been recently renovated ) hotel in the Cornwall region in the UK . Nothing creepy about the place at all - it was a nice comfortable hotel . Except for our last night . I was having what I thought was a terrible nightmare . I saw a young woman standing over me in Victorian era clothing , wearing a lace dress with a high neck and a choker . She seemed ecstatic to see me and was moving closer and closer to my face until hers was just inches away from mine . At first , I was happy to see her too ( as she seemed so delighted to see me ) however as she started to move closer it freaked me out and I must have cried out in my sleep . The cries woke hubby who was right next to me , just in time for him to see in front of him what look like lace covering the entire bed . He tried to grab it but it faded away . We promptly left the next day . 18 . spooklog Over a period of 20 years I 've had to move 3 times because of shadow figures , anomalous noises , disembodied voices , being touched , bouncing mattresses , on and on . But just about the only time I felt truly nervous was one day when my entire bed rose about an inch or two , then fell suddenly . I have no idea why I 'm not creeped out more . 19 . Gugulio I was probably six years old at the time . It was late for me , around nine o ' clock and way past my bedtime . My dad had to be rushed to the hospital and my mom couldn 't get a babysitter in time so she had to take me along with her to the hospital to see my dad . In my city , the major ER is notorious for deaths in the waiting area and triage . Knowing this , my mom was hesitant to bring me in , afraid I would see something horrible . Sure enough , when we got in the waiting area , there was an older man , about 60 years old at the youngest , with an axe head sticking out of his back and a huge gash on his bald head . I was overcome with this sense of what I would later know as dread when he turned to look at me . He smiled and mouthed something and I got scared and buried my head in my mom 's lap . He wasn 't there when I looked back up . 20 . hiccup90 Most recently , I 've been hearing unexplained knocking sounds within various rooms of my house . At first my sister thought it was our cat , but he usually plants his bum on top of our dryer and doesn 't walk around the house much . The more we ignore the sound , the more frantic the knocking gets , and we 've heard it from the front door , the ceiling , and even felt it under the floor . 21 . joansez Okay , here 's my story . Not spooky with a capital ' S ' ; just a little … . weird . I was heading out to a party . I had the directions to the party in my hand and I was searching for my car keys . I was home alone at the time . I thoroughly - and I mean thoroughly - searched my family room , my kitchen , and my laundry room , everywhere where I usually put the keys . I looked very carefully THREE times around each room , and didn 't find them . I remembered that I used the bathroom a few minutes before I got ready to leave , so I put the directions down on my empty kitchen table and walked into the bathroom . Nothing . No keys . I was cursing under my breath , trying to figure out WHERE those keys were . I walked back into the kitchen , and the keys were there , in the middle of the kitchen table , UNDER the directions that I 'd just set down . The hairs on the back of my neck stood up . I looked around like an idiot ; I don 't know what I expected to see . I just said , " Thanks ! " and left for my party . Very strange . 22 . CelebrityTakeDown When I was in elementary school I was on a field trip to a house that was used a hospital during the civil war and has a giant civil war graveyard on the property . On top of the deaths of the soldiers , several of the family 's children also died in the house . I was in the back of the group and was backed up to a room that was roped off . I felt someone tugging my hair . I reached back and my hair was braided . I had really long hair and it was all braided . 23 . far _ from _ ohk It was a normal day hanging out with my friends and we were at his family 's apartment . I went to the back room to change clothes for the gym and they were waiting outside and his mom and sister were in the living room watching t . v . Now the apartment isn 't that big , but it does kind of have a menacing hallway where everything is connected and everyone is a shout away . Now the hallway goes straight down the middle of the house . From the living room the t . v . is right in front of you , then the dining room is to your left across from the kitchen . Midway down the hall is his sisters room across from the bathroom . Then his moms room is to the left and a storage closet to the right , directly at the end of the hall my friends room . So that place was known for shenanigans at like 2 - 3 am . But today was the strange . I was coming out of my friends room and his sisters daughter just ran across the hall from the bathroom into the sisters room . I see here and I 'm thinking she just got into something or was on a mission into something . I start to say " What are getting into " ? As she was already in the room and like the second I finished she was running towards me from the living room . You could here her coming and laughing and talking that toddler talk . I saw her dart across the hall and then nothing but she comes up on my left . I just couldn 't believe it . I don 't know what I had just witnessed but it definitely threw me for a loop . It took a while to comprehend that moment . One time I was in one of my older houses and i saw my sister beckoning me with her hand to come to my parents room . She started to walk , and I said , " We can 't go in there . " But she kept going . Then I said , " Gracie , what do you want ? " But she was like " I 'm at the table . " I looked and there she was . I looked back and the figure faded . 25 . supermclovin This happened about a year ago . Some background information first : while I 've never seen anything in particular that could be considered supernatural , my house has always given me the feeling of some kind of presence in it . I regularly feel as if I 'm not alone , being followed or watched . If at night and I go get something to eat after everyone has gone to bed , sometimes the feeling is so severe that I actually have to turn around before I shut my door and say " leave me alone " to the emptiness behind me . The feelings usually cease after that till the next night . This happens during the day as well whether I 'm home alone or not . Back to the part I know was supernatural : a year ago I was in my basement , and I had to get something and bring it up . I had the second set of lights off ( no need turning all the lights on , I was only down there for a minute ) and was just about to walk back upstairs . Suddenly , I saw what I can only describe as a bright white shadow glide in front of me and up the stairs . The shadow was about my height ( 5 ' 7 ″ ) . Freaked me the fuck out , and ran upstairs faster than I knew I could . Oddly enough , though , the freak out only happened after the white shadow disappeared . When I saw it , I had an immense feeling of peace or comfort . 26 . guntabon I was in kindergarten , and went to this kind of shitty school with shitty food . But I swear to god , the bathroom near my class was haunted . Every time I went in there , something either unsettling or terrifying would happen . For example , one day I went in there to take a dump , and I heard footsteps right next to the stall , which was creepy because the door squeaks when it was open ( I would have heard it and it didn 't ) and all the stalls were open and empty . I looked under the stall , and saw two tennis shoes . Tennis shoes with socks ankles and … nothing else . The leg completely disappeared after that . Frightened , I sat up for a moment , looked back under , and they were gone . I ran back to the classroom after wiping , and told everyone about it . A girl who sat next said , " You 're lying , " in an almost panicked tone . " What ? No I 'm not ! Why would you say that ? " " Because I saw it too . " 27 . Noia20 Our house has some ' activity ' that 's a bit unexplained . It 's a brick bungalow one story built in the 1920 's . No bad history or anything like that . I wouldn 't be surprised if someone died a natural death here at one time or another given the age of the house though . On occasion the t . v . would turn on , we had one light outlet that goes through bulbs like candy . I 've heard the backdoor open and shut and footsteps walking into the house . So clearly , I 've actually called out thinking my husband had come home . I used to hear tapping like finger nails on all the walls in the bedroom ( it would move from wall one wall to another instantly ) and our headboard would tap against the wall like someone was gently pushing it . Granted , the lights could be an electrical issue , but we 've tested it and it doesn 't show surging and changing fixture itself doesn 't seem to help . The tapping is a bit harder , no pipes to blame and I 've heard mice in walls before and it 's not that , plus it 's a definite rhythm not just random noise . The most important part is , mice don 't stop making noise when you tell them " That 's enough for the night , it 's time to go to sleep . " I 've only been scared by something once . And calling it scared is an understatement . I know first hand the concept of being " frozen with fear . " And yes it involves a must have for a scary story … the basement door . Which , if you own a house over 60 years old , you 're going to have one in a weird place . Ours is right off the living room , about 7 ft . from the end of the couch . Now I 've never had creepy vibes from the basement . ( It 's actually a half basement . ) Although I had noticed the cats would occasionally stare at the bottom of the door ( there was a 1 / 2 crack between the bottom of the door and the floor … another fun part of old houses ) watching something , I just assumed it was a bug or just cat weirdness . No biggie since they loved to hang out down there if we left the door open . I also thought I had heard the door knob move once when we were using the front bedroom for a computer room , but I had headphones on and was gaming so when I didn 't see anything when I looked , I blew it off . Anyway , late one night about 8 years ago I 'm waiting up for my husband to get off work . It 's around 1am , he gets off at 3 am , so I 'm hanging out watching bad t . v . and knitting with said cats crashed out next to me . When all of a sudden , three knocks come directly from the middle of the INSIDE of the basement door . Hard enough to shake the damn door . The cats fly off the couch at a dead run and bolt to the back bedroom . I 'm left frozen on the couch . My body literally locked up on me . I 've never felt anything like it , it was a deeper primitive feeling like what prey must feel when they see a predator . It felt like I was there 10 minutes but I 'll bet it wasn 't more then 10 seconds before the " paralysis " broke and I bolted right after the cats to the back bedroom . Once back there , I listened , didn 't hear anything , checked for the cats ( who were under the bed with eyes as big as dinner plates ) and realize I just behaved like every stupid white girl in every . single . horror movie . That 's then I totally lost my temper … And so far it hasn 't been naughty like that again , at least not to me . In fact since I yelled at it , every things been more quiet . Random things still happen , but it 's not weekly , it 's more like a couple of times a year . Even the light bulb issue has stopped . I did have a friend from out of town come to stay overnight a year or two after . I woke up at 5 am to find him on the couch watching t . v . wrapped like ET in a blanket looking like death warmed over . I asked him what he was doing , he looked at me and said " I 'm never staying in this house again ! Something came into my room and sat down on the bed with me ! " He 's been true to his word , he 'll come over to visit for a few hours but he always stays with other friends . 2001 - My parents were away on a two week cruise , I had a computer in my bedroom , which I was playing games on one day … An FPS as I recall , and I was doing very poorly . I became extremely frustrated , and then angry . I shouted " GOD DAMN IT ! " Once the words escaped my mouth , my bedroom door slammed violently shut … It was forceful , and loud . I thought it was going to come unhinged . I left the house until my parents returned . 2004 - In the Air Force , at the schoolhouse on a Friday afternoon . School is over but I was tasked to close the building with an instructor , and it was storming out ( of course ) . I opted to take the bottom floor , and was in the process of closing when I heard a male voice almost whisper , but spoken clearly enough to hear my name . I asked the instructor if she 'd been downstairs at all , but she said she hadn 't . There were no others in the building before we left . 2005 - A friend of mine and I liked to take long walks in the logging trails behind the high school near our houses , just as a stress reliever or to kill time . It was winter , snow had fallen , and most of the water had frozen over . As we were walking we came to an aquifer fed body of water , most of us referred to it as " Beaver Pond " though I do not suspect any beavers have ever lived there . The small lake had frozen completely over , and as we came up to it we noticed a set of footprints in the light powder of snow that sat atop the ice . At the end of the prints there was a sizable hole where whoever it was had broken through … There were no prints leading away from the hole . We panicked , and ran away . 30 . mckswizzle So it was a normal day , normal routines , everything was normal . I went to bed , fell asleep pretty quick . I usually dream every night , but this night I didn 't . In my sleep I began to feel this pressure overcome my entire body and I began to feel like I was being pushed through my bed onto the ground . I woke up but I couldn 't move . I could see though , and when I looked up I could see just this darkness hovering above me . I couldn 't move and I felt like it was pinning me to my bed . I tried to scream , and I did everything I could to move . I was terrified and felt this dark evil feeling . Out of no where the shadow immediately let up and I could move again . As soon as it let up I literally shot up and got the hell out of my room as fast as I could ! It was so freaking scary and I have never encountered anything like it . Luckily my sister was getting back from her boyfriends pretty late and it was about 3 am . I found her walking in just as I ran out of my room and to the downstairs . I told her everything and I was shaking so bad . So she told me to sleep in her room with her and I did . Except I couldn 't sleep . 31 . GodofCat My old house I lived at was haunted 100 % . We had a lot of weird stuff happen there including seeing shadows and objects moving . In my room one night , I had the most peaceful sleep I had ever been in when I woke up with the feeling someone was in my room and it would NOT go away . It terrified me and when the sun came up ( and when it looked safe enough ) I dove out my bedroom door and fled downstairs and hid on the couch . 32 . deglaze While staying at a bed and breakfast in Florida , I was wakened to the sound of knocking - I was on the first floor and just thought someone got locked out . The next night I moved to an upstairs room to share with my sisters . One sister slept soundly as the other sister and I woke at the same time to knocking on the outside of our room . We were 2 stories up and there wasn 't anyone outside . We were certain it was a spirit . The next morning as we checked out , I inquired about the knocking . The front desk attendant turned white and first asked if we were afraid . I was not , I remember feeling that this was someone checking on the hotel and guests . The attendant said it was the former owner who had recently passed . featured image - Shutterstock My new article up on Thought Catalog ! After all the crowd - sourcing , editing , etc . it 's finally finished ! Thanks to all who submitted and helped me out : )

The kind human returned . He was driven up the long driveway the very next day in a car that looked familiar to no one but me . My heart leaped in my chest . The car was Heide 's . Our kind human dashed out of the car before it was even stopped . He was wearing a strange robe , lots of bandages , and that was about it . He got to the door , panicked , and as he turned around , Heide threw the keys at him from a bundle of his stuff . Mice flocked out to the front of the house to greet the one human they loved so and thought they 'd never again see . I remained behind , trying to sort out what had happened . How in the world did Heide know the kind human ? What had gone on ? My master was the first to be picked up by the human , tears running down his furless face . Upon seeing the condition of his animal kingdom , the tears flowed heavier . He unlocked the door and came limping inside , with Heide behind him . He covered his mouth and squinted at the smell of death and urine . He unlocked every window and opened the place up , my master riding on his shoulder . Heide saw me sitting on the end of the dining table and came right to me . " Hello , Squibble , " she said . Her smile was genuine , but laced with worry . " You look kinda thin . " The animals all followed their human around and around the house . He wasn 't walking right . The kind human had been badly hurt . The next place he went was Nemo 's cage , where his moans of horror could be heard all the way in the kitchen . He came out , cradling his first pet , his son , who was now rail thin and barely alive - as we all were . " You want to know what happened ? " Heide asked me . I was looking at her as if she were a spirit . I wasn 't sure she wasn 't . All around me I knew angels stood guard , though I could no longer see them . I nodded slowly again . Spaced out mouse . She sat down in a chair after checking it for rodents , and leaned on the table . " I got this very strange package , " she said . " It was a note with a request , but no explanation . There was also a check for one quarter of a million dollars . " ( Heard something ! ) I looked at her , now interested . " It was made out to me , by someone named Ruby . She gave me very explicit instructions that the money was for me , to help rodents , and that there was this man I was supposed to find . His name and address was on the note , and I remembered dropping you off here , to your kind human . " I scooted up to her . Pausing on her arm , I crawled onto it . I was the first mouse having all this explained . By the look of our kind human , he was consumed in grief and guilt . He wasn 't going to be talking for awhile . He kept apologizing to the animals . Over and over . " I looked for your kind human , " she said , " but no one answered the phone , and I couldn 't remember the way back here , though I tried . I looked up his work phone and they said he hadn 't been in in a week . I finally tried the hospitals , and there I found him . He had been in a car accident , caused by a rabid animal he was transporting . He was in a coma . " " There was a huge , strange man in the room with him , " she said . " Really handsome and powerful . " I perked up again , seeing it coming . " His eyes were so blue , and had long blonde , wavy hair . He told me it was my job to guard the man now . He asked me if I 'd gotten the package from Ruby . I was so shocked I didn 't know what to say , and that was when your kind human woke up . " " The first thing he did on waking and finding out how long he 'd been asleep was to leave the hospital against doctor 's orders . He made me drive him out here right away . The rest you know . He 's got some very bad injuries . They might not heal at all . " I stared at her . " Give me a sign , Squibble , that I 'm not crazy , okay ? Sometimes I still don 't believe that mice can read , or understand me . " That book was going to cause us trouble , it was . I smiled back . One more on the very small list of people that didn 't ' think I was a lunatic . Heide was sent back to the city to get food immediately , and the kind human sat down , still apologizing , and had a " talk " with the mice he loved . He had seen the basement . He had seen the garage . I could tell it ate him up inside . He felt responsible , and although he wasn 't , he kinda was . Guilt sat on him like a big , fat , black mouse , chewing on his heart strings . I wasn 't in on that conversation they had then . When the advanced mice communicate with the human it isn 't fast . We had no computer at the house . The mice have to point to words in a book , or write words out on paper to get their side of it across . The human is always patient , and it takes a long time . They told him about everything he 'd missed , and what we were up against . My master decided to confide in him completely , and no mouse was going to stop him apparently . I saw his forceful gestures and wild hops as he conveyed his messages to the human . He had said we needed the human on our side . From the beginning . We needed a human . Now that we had almost lost that human , I saw for the first time that he was absolutely right . Without the human , our intelligence meant almost nothing . We couldn 't buy things , couldn 't use cars , couldn 't even pick the phone up to call for help without several of us in on it ( or Stompy at full weight ) . We were as dependent as they come , but looking up at the human 's face , I saw that he needed us too . Without us , he was alone . We were his children . It showed on his face . His shiny , tear - streaked face . He felt he had failed us . I guess he took all the news well , even though he looked a bit bewildered and not a little confused over some points . He never let go of Nemo , and the chinchilla who looked so mighty and wise to us now looked like a sleeping baby cradled in the arms of his loving father . The human asked alot of questions . The meeting lasted several hours . By the time it was over it was well into the middle of the night , and Heide had returned hours ago with so much food it took her and our human many trips to bring it inside . She brought hundreds of pounds of food . She had bought trashcans to put it in - the really big ones - and the human carved a small hole in the bottom of each with his pocket knife so we would always have access to nourishment . Then he filled two more trashcans with 60 gallons of water and sealed the tops but for long plastic tubes coming out , which rested on a two by four that any mouse could reach . He made sure we would never suffer like that again to the best of his ability , even if he was gone . The entire time he apologized to any mouse who came to see him , taking time to bend over , though it was so obviously agony to him , pick up the mouse and kiss it . His face never untwisted from that knot of worry and guilt . The strange thing was , he 'd been in a coma . Like me . Like Nemo . And he looked every bit as thin as we did . His body reflected the state of the safe house in general . Wounded badly . In great pain . The synchronicity was eerie . As a young mouse I would not have seen it , but as I sat there , unmoving ( like I never would have before ) , I saw things . Deep , meaningful things that Nemo would have been proud to hear of . I saw how much the human loved us . I saw how much we loved him . I saw how fragile and easily broken we are , and for the first time I saw that he was no different . He always said we were his little angels . I had always wondered if he knew how fragile his little angels really were , and now he surely knows . But for the first time I knew how fragile he was . Our big angel . One of three . Finally my master came to me , holding a Cheerio is his mouth for me . I looked at it like it was from Mars . " Eat it Squib , " he said , sounding happy . " You go ahead , " I said , still watching the human trying to fix the house while in pain . " I already had several . This one is for you . " My master put the Cheerio down , worried . " That 's ridiculous , " he said . " You haven 't eaten in days . You 're nothing but skin and bones , Squibble . I know you were giving your portions to Favorite and Squibette . " " Yes ! " he exclaimed . I looked at him , cringing . " It 's wonderful ! " he said . " Why didn 't you tell us , Squibble ? That deed is every bit as mighty and as magnificent as my own holy quest was ! Why didn 't you tell anyone ? " He shook his head . " No way ! You are a knight . Knights have to do what they think is right , and sometimes . . . " He looked at the kind human in the distance , cleaning up dirty carpet , " that means breaking the rules . " " It 's something they used to give great warriors , to show that they were great . Humans still do it . We 're going to take up this tradition , and you are the first mouse to ever get one ! " He beamed at me . " Well , humans wear them , and we made some too , but to mice metal is heavy , so we figured we 're gonna do it a couple of ways . One is reputation . Once everyone is told what you got , no one will forget , that 's for sure ! Second , on top of an actual mouse - sized medal and ribbon , you 'll have the right to paint a symbol of some kind on your shield , and armor . The symbol we 've decided upon for great thinking is a mouse hopping out of a box . Cool , huh ? " " Yes , Squibble . No mouse has ever gotten a medal . It was BJ 's idea , and Nemo seconded it . You are the very first . Someone will put the real one around your neck , and pin the little bar on you . " " Yeah , " he said , and picked up his Cheerio very slowly . He took a slow , savoring bite . " MMMmmMMMM . . . sooo good , this Cheerio . . . " " Mine ! " I snatched the Cheerio and held it close before going to work on it . I hunched over it , expecting it to vanish , or some other mouse to fight me for it . My master laughed and smiled . Scratchy gingerly put his at my feet and I started on that one next . It pleased the midget greatly . It was long , hard work for both humans to clean the house . Every minute of labor was torture to his broken body , but he would not allow Heide to do it all , and he would not rest . In the mornings it took an hour for him to be able to move , and in the evenings he could not lie down without moaning in agony . Our kind human began weeping again when he had to dispose of all the rotted bodies in the basement . He dug a mass grave for them and buried them outside in the back yard . We all attended the funeral , and in the same ceremony , Favorite was buried near my mother . My heart felt like it weighed an entire pound as I watched her coffin lowered into the ground . I thought of my momma 's funeral , and looked up . It had not rained since that month , and everything was bone dry , except our faces . It was unnatural that this late in the season rain had not come . More black magic , no doubt . The ceremony to decorate me with that medal came right after that , which I felt was weird , but I liked everyone clapping and chirping for me . Everyone seemed to like me again . I had gotten back my honor to some degree , bestowed upon me by King BJ , Nemo , and my beloved master . It was a high point in my life , and they called me smart in front of everyone . BJ even said " Not crazy . Smart ! Smarter than any of us have been , " as he put the medal around my neck and pinned the smaller representation onto my tunic . I loved what he said , the pride in his face and the look of delight in my master 's eyes . I painted a mouse hopping out of a box on the inside of my shield and armor . Scratchy watched me do it with great interest . I could tell he wanted a medal very badly . Then the human erected a wall of bricks around the house . It stood fifty feet from the house and was three feet high . He built it to the drawings Nemo and my master drew , which depicted battlements , and dug a deep trench on the other side of it , a foot across and three deep . Deep enough to trap snakes . He put wire mesh up inside that , and set up humane mouse traps all over the field . Our side ( the good guys ) had instructions to avoid the outside period , and no one wanted to go out there in winter anyway , but we were warned about the traps . My master told the human about the zombies . They probably didn 't need to eat , and probably didn 't care about traps , either , but the human was overcompensating for everything out of guilt . He bought us new cages ( I think Heide paid for everything , because our human was always poor ) , threw his old junk out of the house to make more room for us , and bought a stereo that played calm , peaceful music during the day for us to sleep by ( or not , in my case ) . He and Heide brought many , many toys home ( they must have cleaned out every pet store in the city . . . I wondered what Shiva and Thor might make of that ) and set up intricate webs of ropes for us to climb . They built wooden play houses and castles for us in every room , and set tape on the floor to designate where humans could and could not walk in the house , leaving us free to roam about at will . Finally , one day , it was just him and I . Everyone else was asleep , and Heide had gone home . I was sitting on the edge of his bed , looking at the blank TV . He came home with his arms full of something and found me there like that . He put his mountain of stuff on the bed with a pained hiss and sat down next to me . " Want it on , Squib ? " he asked . " I 'm sorry , Squibble , " he said . I turned to look at him . His face read as sorry . He smelled sorry . I wondered why . It wasn 't like he tried to crash his car . He had almost died . Damn that stupid black mouse . Damn all psycho girlfriends , too . " You 've been through hell here , and I wasn 't here to protect you , " he said , lowering his head . " I deeply regret it . I won 't let it happen again . Not ever . " I nodded . He was silent a time . I could see his mind trying to work itself around the concept . I went back to watching TV . Finally he said , " I guess I should have expected it , since you can read . I should have seen it coming . All this talk of demons and angels , and powers , and gnarly stuff . . . it 's a bit much to swallow . . . " " I wish there was something I could do , but this seems like your evolution . . . your test as a race . " He petted me and scritched me behind the ears . I liked it . I looked up at him questioningly . " Humans were tested like this too , " he said . " Still are , in fact . If we fail , we have no place on the earth . " He looked out the window toward the mountains . " It seems to me we 're failing . I 'd hate to see mice fail too . You deserve more than we do , and yet humans do nothing but hurt and abuse you poor guys . It 's not fair . " " I wish we could all get along , " he said , and got up to continue his work around the house . My head tilted some , realizing he 'd said something heavy there that I should have gotten . It was as if a clue had fallen into my lap , but I couldn 't figure it out . There was something in his words . . . some special feeling it gave me . . . like deja vu . Oh well . I 'd talk to Nemo about it . . . after Babylon 5 . The next day I was sitting in my hovel when the human came to the desk . I got ready to run , thinking he didn 't even know I was down there , and might step on me by accident since mice weren 't supposed to build nests outside of their cages , but he squatted down and smiled at me . He had another armload of stuff . Books . " Hi Squibble , " he said . I lifted my nose at him . He put the books down beside my nest and set them apart from each other , opening the heavy covers so I might turn the pages myself with some effort . I came out , curious mouse that I am , and looked them over . " Nemo and your master told me you aren 't doing too well , " he said . " Depressed and sad over losing your momma and Favorite . I understand . I went out and got you these to cheer you up , little friend . " There were several books on art . Leonardo da Vinci , Michael Whelan , some art god named Moebius that I really liked , George Bridgeman , and Andrew Loomis . That last one was old smelling . There were other books as well : physics , chemistry , biology , and a book on pharmacology . He also put a brand new box next to my ruined one , with fresh cotton bedding in it . There were Cheerios in the bedding already . He knows alot about mice . He knows too much . I smiled and my eyes watered up . My master must have told him which books to get . These were the very books they had at the art school in the city . But he wasn 't done . He set down a watercolor set , and a ton of tiny colored pencils , brushes , and a bunch of little cups . He went back and came back with tiny pads of paper he must have gotten cut just for me , and a sandpaper - like block of stone with a water well in it , and inside that he put water . He pulled out a black block of ink and rubbed it in the water . Taking it out , he dipped one of the brushes into the water while I looked on , transfixed . He painted some lines on the paper . " You can make your own ink this way , " he told me , " and when it dries up , which is fine , you can just add more water to make it work again . I 'll come by every day and fill up your water containers so you can paint or ink as you like . " Oh , I was so happy . I hadn 't known anyone knew how much I liked art . I looked at the science books . No one knew I liked that either . No one . I looked up at the kind human . " Oh , Nemo told me you might like those , " he said . " I told him you 'd be dangerous knowing that stuff , " he laughed , " but I got them for you anyway . If you 're gonna be a smart mouse , you might as well be really smart , huh ? " He grinned . I got that weird deja vu feeling again , like he was trying to tell me something important without knowing it . I ran up and jumped onto his chest . He giggled at my fearless leap as I ran up him to his face and licked his lip . It seemed the best thank you I could manage . " Oh , you 're welcome Squib , " he said . " I love you too , little guy . I just want you to be happy . Maybe this stuff will help . " He set me down gently and carefully backed out from underneath the desk , which was mine now , I guessed . I spent hours poring over my new stuff . I had never had stuff . My master had his dear encyclopedias , but I never had anything . Now I had lots . Lots and lots . My master visited me later that evening . " Wow , that was fast , " he said . " I told him what you liked only this morning . Your collection looks bigger than mine almost . " I was to and fro , hopping from one book to the other . " This is so cool , master ! Look at what it says about drawing people so simply . . . mannequins . . . and . . . and it has drawings of skeletons , and muscles ! This one over here says that the best thing in art is to love what you do ! And this book over here has answers to questions I always had about the chemical makeup of that stuff they used on us in the lab . . . " " There 's alot you didn 't tell us about your pilgrimage , my little knight , " he said . " Yeah , " I said , sounding guilty . " It 's yours to tell or not , " he said , " but I 'd love to hear it . You had a great adventure , and I wasn 't with you for it . I feel left out , kinda . " I looked at him . How I wish he 'd been there ! I thought about everything I had been through in the city . I wanted to tell him all of it , but some part of me still feared someone getting mad at me for it . It just hadn 't sunk in that they knew about Heide and they weren 't angry . There was some block to spilling the beans that I couldn 't put my finger on , and so I didn 't . I didn 't like it , but I stayed quiet . So unlike the old me . He grew a serious look . " Maybe , " he sounded unconvincing . " Somehow I doubt our adversary will be satisfied , or that walls and trenches will keep him out . " He saw my look of concern , and groomed me a bit . " But don 't worry , Squib . Things are okay for now , and we have room to plan . We have some time . "

It was a nice day . Fresh , light , warm . A most harmless of days . Until I heard my mother scream so loud it would 've woken the devil . I found her standing in the garden in hysterics , pacing back and forth , looking in bushes and over fences . I grabbed her and tried to speak , but she just kept screaming . I gave her a slap , and it actually worked . My mother 's pale face replied , " Your sister , she 's gone . I was watching her play with the flowers , and when I blinked a man was standing behind her . I blinked again , and she had vanished . . . . " " Was there enough time to see what he looked like ? " She looked like she was going to throw up . " I did . But you , nor any one would believe me . " " I know you are not mad . She is gone , and you saw who took her . I will believe you . Please ! " She grabbed my hands with hers and held tightly . " He was tall . So tall . He was looming over her . His hands were thin and long like twigs . He himself was thin . Skeletal almost . But he wore a suit . A well fitted black suit , with a black tie . . . " She burst into tears and buried her head into my shoulders . " It 's okay . We will find her . Did you see his face ? Any strong features which would make him stand out ? " I carried on holding her , feeling the tears soak through my jumper and shirt . She began to whisper something which I couldn 't make out . " He had no face . . . No eyes , no mouth , no nose . It was blank . Pure whi . . . te . . . " She began to cry again . I felt terrified . An unknown person with no face had just taken my little sister , her daughter . I brought my Mother into the house and sat her down . I told her that I will call the police , I will deal with this . " My little sister , she has just been kidnapped ! Please send police over ! He might still be walking round with her , we have a description of the man . " " He is tall . Extremely tall . And deathly thin , but in a black suit . And he is white . Not in race . But in pure white . And he has no face . I know it sounds insane , but this is what was seen . Please . " The man on the other end went silent . I thought I had been cut off . " This is fucking stupid . I refuse to sit here . I am going down to the police station myself . I can 't sit by while she is out there ! " I ran out of the house , down the busy street , and all the way to the police station . The lady at the front desk gave me a funny look as I ran in panting . " No . . . I . . . shit . . . No . My little sister . . . was taken . . . and I called 911 for you , and no one fucking came . I called one hour ago . Where have you been ? ! " She looked shocked . " We 've had no call about a kidnapping in the past hour , or day . " I now felt sick . " I will call one of our guys in , you can talk to him . " A brief moment later I was in a room with two officers answering questions about my sister , where I live , what my mother was doing , what I was doing . I then gave the description once again . And once again , I got blank looks with no voice . The idea of this man who took my sister was becoming more and more insane . " No face . I have already told you . Tall , thin , black suit , white faceless face . I am not sure why I need to repeat myself . Can we go out and find him now ? ! " They gave each other a horrified look . " No . We can 't . I 'm sorry , we , nor anyone can help you or your sister . Just hope he doesn 't come back . I 'd move if I was you . Now leave . " Leave ? ! A young child was kidnapped , and I had been told to get on with it . " No . I won 't leave . You will help me find her . What are you scared of ? Imagine how scared she is ! She must be terrified . How will you be able to sleep knowing you won 't help me ! I can 't do this alone ! But I will if I must ! If you are too much of a pussy . " I got swiftly thrown out . I had only a description of this man , and no help . The best I thought , was to perhaps Google this . So I began to walk home . I only got down the street from the police station when a police car pulled up next to me . It was one of the officers I had just spoken to . No doubt asking for forgiveness so he can sleep happy tonight . " I am so sorry . If you get in the car , I will explain more . I will tell you what you need to know . " I had no choice . I needed help , and here it was . I got in the car and he began to drive . " You are not the first to describe this man . Children , adults , elderly , have been taken by this man . There is no certain target for him . Doesn 't matter if you are rich or poor , black or white , female or male , sane or insane . As long as you are alive , you are at risk . We have tried countless times to hunt him down . And any time someone gets close , they slowly start going insane . " Coming to work sleepless , saying that they saw him in their sleep , in their house , garden , even when they go food shopping . They either kill themselves , or vanish . This is why we can 't help anyone . If you start getting involved , he will come after you . It will start off small . Maybe you will notice him in a crowd , but think nothing of it , and then it grows . We can 't keep giving our good men and women to him . We would have no police left ! I am warning you . If you try finding him and your sister , he will get to you . He will change you . I know she is important , but your mother doesn 't want two of her daughters gone . " I was stunned and lost . If I try to find her , there is a big chance that I will go too , and leave my mother . But . . . " If you guys can 't find him , or stop him , maybe I can . And I will . My self preservation is not important any more here . People are vanishing because of this man . And everyone has become selfish , and keeping away . He knows he can do it . If I go insane , but stop him , imagine how many people can stay in their loving families . The children who can experience life . This is not about my life or soul . I thank you for the warning . But it is not just for my sister . But everyone now . I am afraid , but so were all the others . I will stop him . " My heart was racing so fast I thought it was going to crack its way out of my chest . I gave the officer a strong look into his eyes through the rear view mirror . He sighed loudly and stopped outside of my house . " It 's noble what you are doing . But don 't act stupid , or act like a hero . Because this is no time or place for a hero . Here . . . " He pulled out from under the car seat a gun . " You might need this . God knows if a gun can actually hurt him ! " I froze from that quote . " A gun . . . might not hurt him . What am I dealing with ? ! " Then everything he had said , the description sunk in like a bullet . No face . A no faced man . " Sorry . I . It has just sunk in . Thanks . I will see if it does hurt him , or at least scare him off . " He pointed to a little switch on the gun and flicked it . I presumed this was the safety . I hid the gun in my trousers and got out of the car . " You won 't hear from me again . I can 't get involved . Try not to go mad , " and with that he drove off . I felt empty inside , not knowing what to do now . I had no leads . I looked down the ground and sighed , thinking of anything I could do , and the best I could think of was Google . I looked up . This was my first sighting of him . He was across the road standing behind a car which was being washed . My head throbbed as I looked at him . I looked away and rubbed my eyes till I saw the multicolored stars . When my vision came back , he was gone . I knew the timer of my sanity had begun . For a couple of months I spent time researching this man . Putting up questions on local forums , finding pictures , anything . Any scraps . I would see him whenever I would leave the house , and sometimes in my dreams . But it was manageable . My life was not being destroyed by him yet . My mother was in therapy over my sister , it seemed to help . But every couple of days she would come in my room and give me a long hard hug . I couldn 't imagine how tough it was for her . I never told her what I was doing , I didn 't want him to come for her . As long as he was focused on me , I could work . Many forum replies said , " Stop , " " You are a monster trying to get us involved , " " Leave the demon alone . " However I got one reply from a new user . He sent me an inbox message : " I know the man you are searching for . He took my father five years ago . I saw him once and never again . I have spent the years finding out what I can . He has appeared throughout history . There are many paintings showing him and poems talking about a faceless man . He hasn 't always been in this area , he seems to move from place to place , and even to different countries . Forests seem to be the number one place he looms , but as the world progresses and forests vanish , he is having to come out into the urban environment . " Even his clothes change with the times , even though they give him no disguise . The only relations his targets have in that they are human and alive . Not everyone he stalks is taken . But nearly all stories you have heard of ghosts and ghouls will be related to him driving people mad . Staring at him causing intense headaches , but I have no clue as to why . There have been reports of people cutting holes into their heads to release the pressures caused by these headaches . People refusing to sleep , people refusing to wake . I have never read about madness like this . " Yet it seems all he does is appear . There is no talking from him or action . He just stands there staring at you with no eyes . My father was a well built man , not someone who could be taken down easily , and yet he vanished before my very eyes while clutching his head and eyes . And I couldn 't run after him because the pain of looking stopped me in my tracks . You are dealing with something which is ungodly and unworldly . " He will never be scared of you . And as you draw closer he will become more frightening . The best advice I can give you is to not look at him for too long . To stay away from the local woods . Stay at home , wait for him to leave you alone , because he will if you leave you him alone , your sister is gone . No one knows where the people get taken to . I can tell you a symbol which appears constantly around him . It 's a circle with an X through it . If you are certain you want to hunt for him , then search for that . I can 't tell you anymore . My searching has left me . . . In a state and I am being taken away tomorrow . I pray for your safety . " The more I delved in , the more scared and confused I became . But now I had something . The local forest and a symbol . It 's enough to start this . I kept dreaming of my little sister playing happily , and it was every night . I saved the message and re - read it a few times . I didn 't reply to it , there was no point saying I hope you get better , it was far too late , but perhaps where he was going is some form of safety . I had my start . That night the faceless man appeared in my sleep . He was standing at the end of a long hallway , not moving . He just looked at me . I awoke to an un - easy feeling , but I was able to function , yet I knew this would not last . I waited a few days before I would investigate the woods so I could calm my head some - what . It was a half hour walk to the forest . I brought food , water , my phone with a map on along with pen and paper . I was good at sketching what I see fast , and I preferred it to a photo . It was mid day when I entered the woods . The only thing I knew I was searching for was that symbol . I kept an eye open for it on trees , the ground or even a fence . I kept checking my phone to see how far in I was . For an hour I searched for anything and came across nothing . If anything , it was just a pleasant walk in the forest . A calm cool breeze blew across my face taking the suns hot rays away from me . Thinking this was enough for today I chose to head back , it was enough searching for now . I was following the route my phone had made back when it started to flicker and buzz , changing the path . At one point it flashed that symbol I was looking for . I was starting to panic badly , I was aware of the empty woods around me . But they now felt filled with evil and eyes . I wanted to claw eyes into the back of my head . My head began to hurt . I looked round for him , as this was a sure sign , but I couldn 't see him anywhere . I walked a bit farther away guessing my way back but the headache was more focused and the phone more broken . I heard rustling from a far away . I froze . I stared with gaping eyes waiting to be pounced on by him , to simply blink my eyes and he be there over me . The seconds stood still in a hell torture way . I couldn 't breathe . A final rustle . A dog ran out , straight towards me , jumping up and licking my face . I almost passed out from relief . I looked at my phone and the map was back working fine along with my head . My head felt like a window had opened letting the hot air out . A couple came over saying sorry for their dog . I told them not to worry , it was a thankful surprise . I stumbled home and threw myself on my bed . I had very little energy , but I understood the madness now which comes from this man . What it does . What it feels like . I under estimated it . I drifted off into a deep sleep . My dream this night was different . I was in the woods at night with nothing on me . The moon was bright enough to light the whole forest in a dim blue light . There was no breeze , no resulting or cold air . The forest was dead and silent . I tried walking forward , but I couldn 't . My feet had roots wrapped around them . The more I pulled the tighter and deep they sunk into the ground . I looked up and he was there right in front of me . My eyes met with his chest . I avoided his face , forcing my head to look down . He didn 't move . He just stood in front of me like a statue . I could feel his lost eyes baring down into my skull . It wasn 't physically painful , but knowing that he was doing it was , that is what was hurting . It was teasing , abusive . But I kept looking down . I imagined there was a weight hanging from my chin pulling my whole head down . I kept imagining it . But as I did , I could feel a weight on the back of my head pulling it back . I focused on my weight , not the one he was putting on me . The harder I tried , the harder he tried . It became too much and my head swung up and looked at him . I screamed from the pain . I awoke but wouldn 't open my eyes . They were forced shut . They were screwed up tight , like when you were a child and saw something terrible . After a while my eyes loosed , but I did not in any sense feel safe . I barely opened my eyes , and there he was in my room . Not in the corner , but once again over me . I could feel his hand on my head . I wanted to die , and scream while doing it . I closed my eyes and the feeling on my head went . My safe feeling came back and I knew he was gone . I opened my eyes fully and put the light on . It was 6am . A cold dinner was on my desk . My eyes though , my eyes cried as if I had stared into the sun . I clambered to my mirror and looked . My eyes were red , completely . All the little blood vessels had blown . I could barely look as the light hurt . My eyes had to stay closed , so I felt my way to my mothers room . I heard my mother on the way . " My eyes mum . Gah , my eyes ! The blood vessels , they have all burst ! We need to go to the hospital ! " I opened my eyes slightly to look at her . She grabbed my arm and threw her warm coat over my and my head . " Maybe you drunk a lot and hurt yourself . I don 't know . But the pain should go by the end of the day , your eyes are dry which is why they hurt . Just keep them closed and enjoy the radio " . He sounded like a dick . But I did as he said . I was also prescribed some eyes drops . I spent the day helpless , but not thinking about him . I was more scared about my red eyes . A couple days later I began recalling what happened , and how I felt . The pure fear , and lost of control . How he did nothing in my dream but look . Did he know that was all he needed ? Was this a matter of wits ? The control and power of a mind . To appear in my room and in my dream seemed extreme compared to before , where he would be in the distant barely visible . Perhaps I was close to something in the woods which I couldn 't see . My gut was telling me that this was true . I was close , and he acted extremely to keep me away . But why keep me away ? Surely he would want me to find whatever it was , catch me . I realized that I had to go back . I had saved the route on the way back last time . I reached over my eyes drops as my eyes began to sting . I read on the box ' Please read instructions ' . I had never seen please on a label before . Pulling out the little folded up instructions I saw these weren 't instructions , we didn 't need them , he already told me how to use them . I opened it up and flattened it a bit . Typed out on it was ' I have seen this a few times before . For all that is Holy , keep away from the suited man . I don 't want another cover up . I can 't take it any more . ' This would explain why he was so hard on me . I screwed it up and threw it in the bin . I was already cursed and targeted by him , stopping would not cure me . So I might as well keep going . I could see in the corner of my eye , him , standing at my window . I walked over , but was looking away . I drew the curtains . I felt angry at what this thing had done , and I certainly wasn 't going to give up yet . He was going to get harsher and more torturish to me , but I would get tougher . As I reminded of myself when I felt crazy and depressed from this , it is not just for my sister , it 's for everyone . A week later I was back in the forest . He had been in every dream that week staring at me and I was tired from it , but I still came out . I was back at the location where he began to attack last time . Nothing was happening . I was here at the same time with the same items . I must 've been wrong . I wasn 't close . But to fuck was I going to let that dishearten me . I found something , I came close to something and I made him freak . So I pushed on , if I felt a headache I knew I was closer than before . I felt more anger and determination , pushing forward and deeper in the forest . I was losing track of myself , I could only see finding what ' it ' was . I was hypnotized until on the tree besides me I saw the symbol . I almost walked straight by it . There carved in the tree was a circle with an X through it . I felt it with my hands . It seemed unreal almost . It was a rough carving , done quickly by the look of it . I carried on , guessing I was on the right track . I tried not to get to focused this time , I kept my mind open so I could see any more symbols and I did . They become more frequent . Almost on every tree until it was on every tree . I was surrounded by this symbol . Carved at different heights and sizes . There was just a small area where no trees stood . I was in the middle and looked all round . I couldn 't believe the sight . Hundreds of these symbols , all focused in this area . I began to look around me . ' There must be something here ! ' I said to myself , barely recognizing the headache which was forming . I was rubbing my hand on the ground when I whacked it on something . I moved what plants I could of the way and saw a small handle . I went to grab it when my phone began to vibrate violent , and my head screamed . I had forgotten about being careful . I looked up and before I could register seeing him , I was flung back and knocked out . The cold wind biting my nose and hands woke me . It was dark now , and I was alarmed . My phone was dead and I wasn 't sure of the way back . All of the symbols on the trees had gone . He was screwing with me , and doing it well . I fumbled on the ground making sure that handle was real . Upon finding , I found a few stones and place them round the handle , so I could find it another day . Then I ran back a guesstimated way home . I had no light , so trying to be as careful as I could afford not to trip over . But rocks and roots were the least of my problems . My head would randomly pound . It felt like my skull was being punched . I couldn 't see him , but you didn 't need to . I kept going best I could . But the urge to look behind was growing strong . I gave a quick glance and he was right behind me . I yelled from the pain in my head . But I kept looking back . And I didn 't know what to do . I looked back again , but as I ran a tree got in front of him . The pain lightened , and I didn 't want to look back . So I kept him behind the tree for as long as I could . I would look forward and he would be there again , but I would do the same thing as before and get a blasted tree in front of him . A fair few times I did this till I tripped up . I landed flat on my face . I had lost my lead and my pattern to keep him away . I went to get up when I was lifted up . I squeezed my eyes shut . I knew he was lifting me up . Yet my eyes began to open . And they opened to horror . It wasn 't his arm lifting me , but tentacles . 8 of them . Each limb being held apart . And my eyes locked his lost eyes . I could feel anger from him , it was in the air . I had gotten too close . How do I get out ? How do you get away from something which has no fear , which knows he can get away with anything , fear was his friend , if not himself . My mind turned into a blur as I kept trying to catch ideas . He was in my head . And pulling my limbs further apart . Muscles pulling . It was more than desperate now . I grabbed one thought , pushed myself and used the only part of my body which wasn 't held , my head , and headbutted him . It was the worst pain I had ever experienced upon impact . Yet I knew it wasn 't the impact which hurt , but touching him which did it . But it fucking worked ! I was dropped . I don 't think he was expecting it . I almost threw up from the pain , but knew I had just bought some time . I got up and limped through the forest . I looked back but he was far back , which a small smear of blood on his head from me . I had actually done something which shocked a being which had no feelings . I felt a small sense of achievement . I got you you bastard now . I 've got you I said to myself , knowing that I could do this , and not get killed from it . I leaned in and pushed myself off trees to get me to the edge of the forest . I could see some lights from a car park . I wasn 't sure where I would end up , but it will be better than in here . I gave a last look back but couldn 't see him . I threw myself into the tall car park lights and took in the deepest of breathes . It felt like I had just come up for air after swimming from the bottom of the sea . There was a single car in the car park . I was going to knock , but fell to my knees . I let out a quick scream , and the fogged up cars door opened with a couple running out while putting clothes . I quickly said sorry for ruining their time before blacking out . " Love . . . Love ! You 're waking ! Yes ! How are you feeling ? " The room was dimly lit . I was laying in my mothers bed with many pillows and blankets covering me . " Yes . The couple used your phone and called me , saying they would meet at the hospital . But . . . Well . . The doctor wouldn 't treat you . Said you brought this on yourself and he wasn 't going to get involved , and the police brought you home . The couple stayed here a bit , even invited us to their wedding . The hospital gave me some supplies to fix you up with . Why won 't they treat you ? What have you done ? " " Okay dear . But , you know you 've been acting funny . It 's not the going for lots more walks , it 's how you 're not eating , and I catch you talking to yourself , and all the curtains and blinds like something is looking in . You 're not a bit mad are you ? You haven 't been doing drugs ? " " No mother . I am sorry that I have been acting odd . I didn 't even know I have been acting that way . I don 't remember talking to myself . . . I just need rest . I think after the kidnapping . . . it 's just got to me . . . " She gave me a deep loving hug . " I know , it has gotten to me too . We have got to stay strong , Have a drink and go back to sleep . You will be back up in no time . " I kept getting night terrors . The situation in the woods kept repeating , each time making me feel worse . I would wake up to feeling sick , and sometimes wetting the bed . I explained to mother that it is the bump I got on my head causing the problems . It took a month to recover . But I would see him in the house , sometimes standing behind my mother , in the bath as I pissed , in my wardrobe when I opened it , everywhere . He was not letting up one bit . I was exhausted from all of this . I was falling apart , and loosing myself . I was unsure if I wanted to go on , but I kept going in my sisters room which was being packed away slowly and seeing her little face playing with the toys , and that would hurt more than anything . I would die trying to find at least something . I had to go back one last time . And fight through everything he could give . I packed my bag like before , and brought my phone even though there was a far chance it would cut out when I got close . In my trousers was the gun the officer gave me . It might be useless , but it might scare him . My door opened slowly and he was standing there . I stared right at him , knowing that I might not coming back from this , but I had no fear of death . He vanished before my eyes . I walked through my door and he was at the end of the hallway . I got close and then he was then downstairs . He was leading me back to the forest , he knew this would be a fight . I wasn 't scared of following him , though my stomach gave a different story . I followed him to the woods were he vanished . I could hear my heartbeat now . I turned to my phone and began to follow the path . I kept looking at my phone . It took me straight to where the trees with the symbols were . This time every tree was completely covered by the symbols . I shone my phone on the damp ground looking for the rocks I left . Nothing had been moved . I grabbed the handle trying to pull . It refused to pull up . I gave it a wiggle and the hatch slid open . I was staring into a dark hole . Every single fiber in me began to riot and protest about going down . I cried a little . I was scared . As I sobbed I heard a little voice in the darkness . Just faintly . I stopped sobbing to make sure it wasn 't an echo . I couldn 't make out what the sound was , it was just small and light . It was enough to bring me in . I reached the bottom of the ladder . It was dry and warm down here , I shone my phone in front of me only to see a hallway . It was slightly mucky down here with what looked like dried blood . It wasn 't everywhere , but it was noticeable . I walked down the hallway trying to be as quiet as possible . I heard a little moan in the distance . It could have been him for all I know . I trusted nothing right now . A few steps more and a couple of lights flicked on . Some were white , and some turned things red from blood on them . At the end of the hall was a large room . It was split into different sections by sheets of metal . I heard the whimper a bit louder this time . I stepped into the large room . It stank and felt damp . My shoes made a light click noise . " Is anyone there ? " My God . The voice . It was her voice . The voice of all love and joy in the world to me . My sister . I thanked as many Gods I could think of for this and almost cried . " Help me . . . " She began to cry lightly . I followed the sound down one of the splittings to her . She was on the ground in the corner barely keeping herself up . But her limbs looked pulled and lifeless . I grabbed her face my hands , she was ice cold . I looked into her eyes , thanking the Gods once again that she had them . " He keeps trying to pull me , too look like him I think . I hurt . I want mum . I want to go home . Please . Take me home " . I held her tight . I looked back into her eyes and smiled . She should 've been dead . Knowing what powers he had though , he could no doubt keep people alive for as long as needed . I went to pick her up when she screamed . I turned round and he slammed into the far wall . He was very tall now , and his tentacles were failing . I actually saw him walk through my haze . I pulled my gun out of my trousers and shot at him . He vanished . Hayley was crying and I hobbled over to her . " It 's going to be okay , I will get you out ! " I picked her up and began to run away . I heard the moans of other people , even saw arms with distorted hands reach from the darkness . He appeared in front of us in the hallway when I shot again . I threw Hayley over my shoulders and tied the ropes from my backpack round her waist and began to climb . " The gun won 't hurt him . I 've seen others try . Here , this might work . " As I climbed Hayley pulled a sharpened bone from under her top . " No . But I have a gut feeling it will . It is what I have been doing when he has been gone . I am not sure what is special about it . " I kept climbing . It was a lot longer up than down . I trusted my sisters judgement with this weapon . The person whose bone this was could have had a special illness , or maybe it was the fact that it was a bone from someone he had killed . I wasn 't sure of much . I was rushing too much to think . The hatch was still open . I put Hayley on the floor and made sure she was okay . She handed me the sharpened bone , which looked like a femur , and an elongated one at that . As I grabbed it my hair was pulled back down the hatch . I didn 't hit the floor hard . The hallway looked miles longer than before with barely any lights . And at the end was the Suited man in all his power . My head pounded and my body screamed of a thousand tortures . I could barely stand up . He flashed forwards . Again . And again . Coming closer and closer . I fell to one knee from the pain . My nerves were splitting . I thought I was dying . Again . And again he flashed forward down the impossibly long hallway . He was getting terribly close , and I focused on the weapon in my hand , ready to hurt him when he got close enough . He shot right in front me . Time slowed completely down . He was reaching out to grab me . I was standing up moving the bone to strike . He saw with his lost eyes the weapon I held and began to turn away . I shoved it through his ribcage and out through the other shoulder . I screamed at him as I did it , letting all the pain fly out . I gave it a long deep twist . If he had a mouth , I know he would be using it to scream . I held it there for a while till I pulled it out at an angle , grabbed his suit , pulled his chest towards me and shoved it in again . He gave me one last look and I gave him one last scream . He touched my face and became limp . I stood there holding his body on this bone . I tore it out of him . There was no blood on the bone . I looked down at him , he was disappearing into nothingness before my eyes . I had killed him . The impossible man . I called up to Hayley making sure she was okay . I climbed up and gave her my phone , telling her to call the police saying that we had found some kidnapped people , but to not mention the faceless man . The police took us to the hospital . I was right in the fact that all of my sisters limbs were dislocated . Some of the other people down there died when they were moved , or as soon as they got to hospital . Seemed his magic wasn 't keeping them alive anymore . Some however did survive . The quick treatment kept them going and life returned to them . The police officer who gave me the gun came to my sisters room . He stood at the door in amazement . I walked over to him and gave him the gun back . " You saved the love of my life . He was taken 6 months ago . And I never told him that I loved him . And I was killing myself everyday knowing I couldn 't go after him . And he is here . You saved him . I . . . I can 't thank you enough . " I began to cry with him . " Go and see him . Tell him . And stay with him . " The officer pulled away from me , nodded and walked to one of the other doors . A couple weeks passed . Everyone was doing well in recovery . My mother had calmed down enough that she didn 't give my sister 200 kisses and hugs when we saw her . The officer told me how thankful he was again , and that he was now in a relationship with a man I helped rescue . It all seemed sweet . But I didn 't feel any better . I felt worse . Worse than ever before . I dreamt of nothing but blackness , and I had barely any thoughts . Hayley would mention how I would just stare at her with no expression or life in me . I wasn 't sure what was wrong , it wasn 't stress . I wasn 't sure until a night where I stayed at the hospital with my sister . I awoke from my black dream , and stood . But I stood tall . A few feet taller than my real height . I would hold my arms out to see that they were long and thin . My skin was pale and my clothes were tiny on me . I sat back down and got up again , and I was fine . The worse sicken feeling filled me . I ran to the bathroom and threw up . It looked like blood . But I didn 't feel any pain . I washed my face and looked in the mirror . I just looked ill . Something unknown was now happening to me . It kept happening . A couple more weeks passed , The situation became dire when I was sat in the hospital room with my sister , mother and a nurse . I was looking out the window at the sunshine . My name was called and when I turned round they all screamed . They just looked at me in horror . " Yes . You heard it . My face , it just disappeared in front of my sister mother and a nurse then reappeared . Sometimes when I stand up , I stand at least 7ft . You got to help me . Throw me in jail . In confinement forever . Please ! " He looked down at his feet , shaking his head , rubbing his eyes . " Okay . Okay . I know what we can do . When we kept getting reports of kidnappings from the faceless man a company , well organization contacted us . Said if we ever captured him , or something of his , we were to contact them . Secure , Contain , and Protect . SCP they are called . They deal in all strange fuckery like this . I will call them . Just wait with your family . " He gave me a pitied look which I deserved . I walked back to my sister and mother . I looked at them in shame for what was happening . My mother came over and hugged me . My sister who now walked hugged me too . We held each other for an endless time . A couple hours passed when the officer walked in with a few large men in suits and a man in a lab suit . The lab suit read " SCP - to Secure , Contain , and Protect " . My ride was here . I explained everything to them . Everything which happened while he took notes . Then he just looked at me with a broken look . " It 's time you came with us . For yours , but mostly everyone elses safety . Say goodbye to everyone . You don 't need anything . We will arrange it all . " I turned to my family . I had worked hard and pushed far to get Hayley back . And I got her , and more . Mother was more than happy that she was home . Hayley started to sob . I held her hand . " I know . This is going to suck . And it 's not okay . But I have to go . Be angry at me if you have to . But please don 't let this stop your life from being beautiful . I told myself I would do anything to get you back , and that is what has happened . Cry for a while , but not forever . You can have everything in my room , even the things I told you not to play with , you can have . " " I don 't want to . But I have to . You saw what was is wrong with me . I don 't want to hurt anyone . You will grow up to be a wonderful woman . When you are older , maybe write about what has happened . I will always , always love you " . I grabbed her and kissed her forehead tightly . She nodded as I kissed her , understanding what was happening . I turned to my mother . She had only small tears rolling down her cheeks . She gave me a light hug . " You don 't need to explain any of it . You need to go . I understand . I will always remember you as who you are really . You will always be alive to me . Be safe . " I replied saying that I loved her and walked over to the SCP men and left . It 's been one year since it all happened . It 's nice here . I have my own room for now , I got therapists to help me through this , and anything I ask for . I help out on maintaining computers , and even cleaning out other SCP cages , as they won 't attack me . The changes are becoming stronger though . I have been seen fully changed . Standing in a hallway , with no face , tall and thin . They are getting my containment ready for when I change , and don 't come back . I am enjoying myself while I still can . It 's hard knowing what you are turning into . I have been told this is fascinating . It explains how the faceless man has lasted for so many centuries . I am just next in queue . But they have given me a nickname now which I think fits . Slender . They call me Slender .

They disagreed . My sister did what she wanted to do . My mother told her she had wasted money . My sister blew her top . My mother is 93 . My sister is 65 . They 've had this dynamic for as long as I can remember . Except that my mother used to be in the power position . And it used to be my mother who raised her voice - which still makes no sense - because why would somebody in the power position raise her voice . She has already won . There is nobody to impress . Our father used to insult people he disagreed with . Particularly his family . I remember trying to do the same , as a teen . It didn 't work . It just got my father madder , and he would slap my face . Again , he already had the power . And he had the money . The decision was already his . So why the raised voice ? Why the hitting ? So he didn 't like it that I disagreed with him . My opinion had no influence on any decisions . We didn 't like it as children . But it is the way we were raised . It seems like the expected behavior , even though it hurts . Cancelling our childhood training is probably the hardest thing we ever need to accomplish . A neighbor called - her computer was refusing to print , and she wanted me to fix her printer via TeamViewer . Knowing this neighbor is poor at diagnostics , I agreed to try TeamViewer . I opened her Devices and Printers , right clicked her default printer , chose Printer Properties and Print Test Page . It printed . So , I asked what doesn 't print ? Her email didn 't print . I opened her email and tried to print . The only choice was printing to the cloud . She checks her email via browser . I tried printing another browser page . Again - cloud . I tried a different browser . Cloud . So , I asked if things were working a week ago . Yes , they were . I tried System Restore . System Restore failed . I tried two other dates . Both failed . The error message suggested I try chkdsk / r At this point , I was thankful for any ideas . I ran chkdsk from the Tools tab on drive C . This involved a reboot , but TeamViewer reconnected us when it was done . He gave me a blank look . So I told him the story of the Dreidel Deception . When Xerxes was in power , it was illegal to teach about Judaism . So , the rabbis took the children up into the mountains and taught them the dreidel gambling game . Each side of the dreidel is marked with a letter . Players spun the dreidel and when the dreidel fell , the rabbi started a story with whatever letter landed on top . When the soldiers came by and found these children playing and talking , they asked , " Any teaching going on here ? " The rabbi answered , " No . No teaching . Just nice clean gambling . " The 5 - year - old seemed to like this story better . Finally , on the web , I found a page that explained the words . They are really phrases combined into words - long words without spaces . The words mean things like snow sparkling in moonlight , snow sparkling in sunlight , hard packed snow , light fluffy snow , avalanche , falling snow , snowflake , big snowflake , wet snow , dry snow , crusty snow - all concepts that we have in English . There may be nuances that don 't translate well , but basically , snow is snow , the world over , whether or not you put in spaces . Whether we use single words or phrases , we use language to precisely describe our world . This is a human trait , not unique to any language or any people . Climate does contribute to vocabulary . People who live at the equator don 't need words for varieties of snow . I don 't keep up with slang . Especially insults . Never have . In junior high , " bitchin " sounded like an insult , so I never used the word . Lately I have received an email from a man who called me a name I didn 't recognize , followed by a link to his website . He informed me that this term was an insult . He even told me to click the link and " look it up . " Like I care what his made - up insult is supposed to refer to ? They 're all sex , toilet , and intellect jokes . Which one he chose is of no interest . I know she 's not a gold coin . There 's no purpose in biting her to determine if she is real gold or a fake . But , what if she was one of those chocolate coins in a foil wrapper ? There is a good reason to bite them . So , I could not resist . I typed , " Why ? Are you delicious ? " When I studied comparative religions in college , I learned the terms Mahayana and Hinayana , meaning the Wide Path and the Narrow Path . I understood that the Hinayana path meant becoming a monk and living in a monastery . I thought maybe the Mahayana path meant going to religious services once a week . The website focused on thinking . When we see dirty dishes in the sink we can think " I 'll wash them now , " or " I won 't wash them now , " or " I wish there weren 't dirty dishes in the sink . " That 's pretty much it , as far as choices of what to think . ( Okay , there are alternative : I think I 'll paint a picture of the dirty dishes , or I think I 'll write a poem about the dirty dishes , or I think I 'll write a story about somebody who has dirty dishes in his sink , but ultimately , the artist will decide - to wash or not to wash - that is the question . ) The first two choices are realistic choices . They see the truth - the sink has dirty dishes . It 's all a matter of choices . It 's hard to train the brain not to wish reality was different . That is the big challenge of the Mahayana path . The Hinayana path is the path of no choices . The monastery has a routine . Monks follow that routine . The only breaks in a monk 's routine come when the unexpected happens , like illness or natural disaster . I 'm sure the monastery has guidelines for these unexpected events , too . Yes , a monk could think " I wish there were no dirty dishes in the sink " but that thought would not affect his actions . And when thoughts cannot affect actions , they serve no practical function . The one choice - to give up all choices - is the challenge of the Hinayana path - and that choice can be made an infinite number of times . A client called me . One of her co - workers had gifted her a laptop computer that used to belong to her recently deceased husband . My client wanted me to check it out and put it on her network . The first screen gave us a choice of Windows 7 or Vista . This indicated that the computer was probably 8 years old . In my view , that 's pushing the lifespan of a viable computer . I chose Vista . We got the login screen . The User ID photo was a woman 's crotch . No comment . I asked my client if she knew the computer 's password . She didn 't . I looked again at that User ID photo . By this time , my client was watching me work . I suggested " Pussy . " She laughed . That wasn 't the password . Also not pussy or PUSSY . We tried Kitty . Not the password . Cunt and Snatch didn 't work either . Then I started finding some names I 'd never seen before - but names that would not work for a cat . Wizard 's sleeve . The Grandest Canyon . My client said she 'd been thinking about asking some of her teenaged male students to help with the computer . Now she was glad she hadn 't . She 'd never live it down . I asked my client if she still had her Windows 7 installation disk . She did . The DVD drive on the laptop was broken . Next stop , I 'll bring a USB DVD drive and reinstall Windows 7 . Guessing a dead - man 's password clearly isn 't one of my talents . Taking an art class is a different world from the science world in which I got my BA . Yet there are similarities . Both world teach techniques . Both worlds have expected results as well as surprises . And both worlds teach a new way of seeing . The first time I saw a scientific article with a title like Calcium Transport in the Muscles of Bullfrog Tadpoles , I laughed . The extreme specificity of the headline surprised me . Now , I understand exactly why the headline was so specific . Calcium transport varies by tissue , by species , by temperature , and other factors . Anybody studying calcium transport knows which details are important for the question being asked . Until I understood the question , I did not understand the answer . The world is more fascinating when I have a sense of what goes into the inner workings of life . Painting asks different questions . A key question is how can paint be used to represent a natural object ? I didn 't know how to look at natural objects in order to see all the colors . To help us learn to see , our teacher had us paint first in white , black and grey . Then we added shades of grey . Finally we were allowed to use colors . Then we went back to shades of grey to learn about warm and cool shades of grey . And now , we are using full color again , attempting to paint even more of what we are now able to see . With my new way of seeing , I found myself making my dog sit while I stared at a squash somebody had placed on a front door step . This squash had at least 20 shades of orange , plus shades of grey . The world is more fascinating now that I can see more of what I look at . A pin is not only to cause pain . A pin can also pinpoint something that needs focus . The pin for friends could be used as a reminder of those friends who are in stress and who need to held in the light . And a pin for enemies could be a reminder of those folks whom he needs to forgive . I 'm working on a book in which an egg hatches a caterpillar . I want to describe the egg as miniscule . My spell checker immediately changes it to minuscule . When I insist that I want miniscule , the word gets a red underline as an error . The adjective minuscule is etymologically related to minus , but associations with mini - have produced the spelling variant miniscule . This variant dates to the end of the 19th century , and it now occurs commonly in published writing , but it continues to be widely regarded as an error . " The OED says : The word was originally minuscule , borrowed from French . The minuscule spelling has always been the preferred spelling . However , miniscule is not as simple as a typo . According to the OED , the first citation of the miniscule variant is from 1871 , so this is a form that has been around quite a long time . The first is the shift in stress . In English , unstressed vowels are often reduced to schwa , [ ? ] , no matter what the fully stressed vowel would have been . Minuscule used to always be pronounced with stress on the second syllable ( containing the " u " ) , and was therefore unambiguously an [ u ] sound . When minuscule began to get stress on the first syllable , it was no longer clear from hearing the word what the second vowel was . Why does it matter if words are spelled in various ways , if the reader can understand what is meant ? How long does it take for a spelling to become accepted ? 1871 is 144 years ago . Do I want to be part of the spelling police , and use the " correct spelling " when I didn 't even know it existed until a few hours ago ? What exactly do I want to pass on to the children who read my book ? Love of butterflies , yes . Love of words , yes . I have always loved the word miniscule . And until today I did not know it could be spelled any other way . I am sharing the world I love in this book . Some child may lose the National Spelling Bee if I use the non - standard spelling of minuscule . Is this a reason to continue using a spelling that makes no sense ? I was 17 . I did not consider myself a sexual being . The sex - ed class at my high school was mainly a vocabulary lesson . And I had no idea what an erector set had to do with babies . And whatever sex was , we weren 't supposed to do because it would cause babies . And babies would ruin our lives . I 'd had trouble getting a tampon in and I didn 't believe my then boyfriend ( now husband for the past 48 years ) when he explained what he wanted to do . Biology took over . I called Planned Parenthood the next day . I figured they would be nicer and less expensive than a doctor . I wasn 't even making minimum wage , and my take - home was $ 34 a week . My rent was $ 40 a month including utilities . I also had payments on my motorbike . And regular expenses like food and books . Planned Parenthood gave me an appointment for a week later , at 9 AM on Saturday . When I showed up , they ordered me to change into a paper costume and sit in the waiting room . I did so , along with about 20 other women , also wearing scratchy paper costumes , that tended to flap loose in embarrassing ways . . We had to sit through a class on how many sperms are in a typical ejaculation , and we passed around a plastic breast with a lump in it , so we 'd know what cancer felt like . Then we got called back one at a time for an interview . My interviewer kept asking me if I could pay for it . I was terrified of being denied birth control , so I said yes . Over and over . She said the bill would be about $ 60 including a one - month supply of pills . That was nearly my entire savings , but I kept saying yes . Later , one of the other women told me if I 'd said , no , they 'd have given me a discount . But I didn 't know that . After over 2 hours of sitting around , my paper costume was getting tears in it . I was feeling totally embarrassed . Supposedly I _ knew _ better than to be in this situation . After all , I 'd taken Sex Ed . ( Later , my city ranked highest in STDs in the entire state - which probably is a comment on the quality of the sex ed program . ) My mother would be furious if she knew I was here . And I might be pregnant . Abortions were illegal . And in my mind , pregnancy was not a good reason to get married . My mind kept going in loops about what if , and how scary ! Finally , I was called back to see the doctor . He saw my name on the form I 'd filled out , so while I was lying there , legs in stirrups , and he was poking and prodding me , he asked if I was related to Richard ( with my same last name ) who lives in Chicago . " Yes , " I said . " He 's my uncle . You aren 't going to tell him I was here , are you ? " The doc just kept going on and on about how he and my uncle were such good friends , and they 'd gone to school together . Finally , he promised not to tell my uncle . Then he wrote a prescription for birth control pills , but told me not to start taking them until after my next period . He made I big deal about taking them at the same time every day , and never skipping a day . Then he left . I wiped the goo off my crotch , put my clothes back on , paid for the visit and the pills and knew I 'd have to find an extra $ 16 every month to pay for more pills . If I wasn 't pregnant . If if if . . ( Luckily , I wasn 't . ) And I wondered if a regular doctor might be cheaper , and take less time , and not make me sit around for hours in a paper costume , and didn 't know my uncle . But then , I didn 't know what kind of regular doctor prescribed birth control pills , and if they 'd even see a 17 - year - old . And if they did , would they repeat the Sex Ed lecture about how bad I was being ? Planned Parenthood seemed like my only option . I wanted to rename them Planned Unparenthood . And I wanted to redesign the entire system so there wasn 't a 2 hour wait in a paper costume . And the doctors didn 't get to see the women 's names . And if they give a discount based on income , they should say so . My mother , who is 92 and uses a walker , was pushing a cart full of her groceries to her car . A man followed her . When she opened the trunk to put in her groceries , he opened the hood and appeared to remove something . He told her there was something seriously wrong with her car and she needed an $ 8500 part to fix it , which he just happened to have . He escorted her to the ATM , which luckily had a $ 200 daily limit . My mother gave the man her $ 200 . He yelled and fumed that his wife wouldn 't like it that he had sold this $ 8500 part for $ 200 but he would fix her car . He walked her back to her car , re - opened the hood , appeared to put something in , and went away . My mother told the store manager . He said she should have come to him before going to the ATM . She was feeling threatened . She thought she had to go to the ATM with the man who had her car part . She does not know how to fix cars . She did not know if her car would start without that part , if he had actually taken something . She didn 't feel confident enough to get into her car and see if it starts . She was picturing calling AAA , waiting for hours , having her car towed to a shop , where they would want more than $ 200 to replace the stolen part . Meanwhile , in Philly , I put out boxes of old clothing and a VCR that still works for Big Brothers Big Sisters on their pick - up day in my neighborhood . I clearly labeled the boxes with BBBS signs . When I came back in the middle of the day , half the boxes were missing , and the remaining boxes had been opened . At the end of the day , all the boxes were gone , and there was no receipt from BBBS . The first time the delivery man had both the washer and the dryer on his truck . He delivered and installed the washer . But the washer pan was too close to the wall for a back installation , so the dryer would need to be vented on the side . The dryer is switchable . But the driver did not know how to switch it . So , he took the dryer back to the warehouse . He delivered and installed the washer . He also left the vent pipes and elbow and stacking kit . The second time , the driver brought a dryer with the vent switched to the right . But stairs to the room where the dryer will go are 27 . 5 inches wide . If the dryer vent is at the back , the dryer is 27 inches wide and will fit up the stairs . If the dryer vent is on the right , the dryer is 29 inches wide and will not fit up the stairs . So , the dryer would not fit up the stairs and the driver took it away . The third time , the driver brought another right - side vented dryer and took it away . He also took away the screws for the stacking kit and the vent pipes and the elbow . He said they were the wrong type of vent pipes . I learned later that he was wrong - they were exactly what we ordered and exactly what we need to install the dryer . The 4th time , the delivery man brought the rear vent dryer , brought it up the stairs and promised that an expert installation team would be by in a couple of days . He also brought screws for the stacking kit . The 5th time , instead of an expert installation team , two men came and said they were supposed to pick up and remove the dryer . I refused . They brought a vent pipe and elbow , but they took them away with them . The 6th time , we talked on the phone with two sets of scheduling people , both of whom promised that this time we would get an expert installation team . Instead we got a driver who did not know how to switch the vent from the back to the right . He also did not have a vent pipe or elbow . He promised he would call the installation customer care and we would get a phone call within 20 minutes . As I write this , It is now 5 hours later and nobody has called . I called Sears customer support and they offered to send an outside firm to install it for $ 160 . I told them I have already paid for installation and I want what I paid for . I called the installation number . The recording said to call back during business hours . I was calling during the stated business hours . I waited to see if it would let me leave a message . Then it hung up on me . No wonder Sears is going broke . Meanwhile , I want my dryer installed . I unscrewed the back to see if I could switch the vent . Even thought I got all the screws out , I couldn 't get the back off . I admire and respect this Pope , even though I 'm not Catholic . But he 's not a rock star . I don 't understand the magic of being in the crowd when he speaks . I live in the green zone . That means that buses won 't be running through my neighborhood when his eminence is here . If I drive a car out of the zone , I will not be allowed to drive back into the zone until after the Pope leaves . I am permitted to walk or bike out of the zone and return . Some of my neighbors are leaving town for the duration . We 're told that at least 1 . 5 million people will be here to see him . These people are paying $ 1000 a night to stay in hotels that are walking distance from where the Pope will speak . These people will eat in restaurants . The restaurants are trying to figure out how they will get food with the driving restrictions . Same for the grocery stores . Some exceptions will be figured out . Right now , it looks like chaos will rule . It 's even worse for people who live in the black and red zones . These are zones where the Pope will actually be . At this point , I don 't care if he can do the loaves and fishes magic . I have an artificial hip , so it is unlikely I 'll be able to get through the metal detectors to hear him . Besides , it will probably be easier to hear him from home on the internet . In which case , why doesn 't he stay home , too ? In 1978 , I wrote a picture book story : Ladybugs for Loretta . My friend Francie illustrated it . Because our only publication option was print ( ebooks hadn 't been invented yet ) we decided to limit the colors to black and red . That meant two pieces of art for each drawing and two passes through the press . We printed 1500 copies . We split the stack . And we sold them . She sent me scans of all the colored art . I used my word processor to create both doc and pdf files . These days , that 's easy . Just click Publish to PDF . Amazon has a print - on - demand division . I sent them the PDF and a cover graphic . Now we had the print book we 'd always intended , which full color illustrations on every page . I tried to upload the pdf file to Barnes and Noble . They don 't accept pdf files . I tried to upload the doc file . It was over 20 megabytes . They don 't accept files bigger than 20 megabytes . I tried using BN 's online book creator tool . I got about halfway through the process and the website said I had exceeded my size allowance . Plus , their book creator is flow style , which means that art and text are not necessarily on the same page . In order to get Ladybugs for Loretta onto Barnes and Noble 's Nook platform , I went back to the pdf , made screen cuts , reduced their size , reduced their color density and reduced their pixel count . Finally the file was less than 20 megabytes . I uploaded it . BN is already number 2 in the market . They don 't need to be number 2 in quality as well . I hope they figure this out soon . I 'll be happy to upload a quality file to replace the current minimalistic one . This summer I reverted to elementary school . I met up with a couple of women who were my friends in 3rd grade nearly 60 years ago . Anne brought jacks , and Alison reminded us of the rules . Many people have discussed the disappearance of honeybees across the North American continent . It is noticeable even in cities , as long as there are yards , lawns , gardens , parks , or even window boxes . For the past several years there have been fewer bees than usual . In the summer of 2014 I decided to count honeybees on my daily walks with my dogs . I noticed Mother Nature putting big bumblebees to work pollinating the blossoms , as well as tiny sweat bees , flies , and even wasps . That summer I counted every honeybee I saw on my walks from the first one I spotted late in May to the last one before the first frost in late October - - and for that entire time I counted 63 honeybees . A sad accounting . It was a few days into June before I saw Honeybee # 1 . A couple days later I saw Honeybee # 2 , then it was # 3 and # 4 on the same day - - and suddenly I was seeing from four to ten bees every day ! The count advanced rapidly , and by late June passed last year 's count for the entire summer . My bee count stopped . Since the first storms almost a month ago , I have not seen a single honeybee . The heat broke last week , giving us several lovely days with highs in the 80s before it began getting hot again yesterday , but still no bees have appeared . Actually , not even the big bumblers or their smaller cousins are back , and the wasps , flies , and sweat bees have been pollinating the proliferation of flowers we have this time of year . So I don 't know what is happening . Perhaps the honeybees collected so much pollen before the storms drove them to shelter in their hives that they are still busy processing . I 'd like to think that , and I will continue to keep an eye out for their re - emergence . Blue started out life as a feral kitten , one of three born to a mother cat who risked bringing them to my friend Lois Ruiz ' house to eat the food she put out for them . Lois tried to catch the kittens , but they were too frightened and too fast for her , so all she could do was put food out . Eventually two of the kittens were hit by cars , but Mama Cat continued to bring the third for food . Then one day Lois saw neighborhood kids dragging something down the street - - the surviving kitten ! They had a wire twisted around her neck and tied to a rope , and would have killed the poor little thing if Lois had not grabbed them , threatened them with a report of animal cruelty , and taken the kitten away from them . So the one remaining kitten , now named Blue , was finally safe , and Mama Cat disappeared back into the wild . Blue had cuts on her neck , but otherwise was not injured . However , the experience did nothing to increase her trust in human beings . Lois tended to her wounds and turned her loose in her house , where there were four other highly domesticated and friendly cats . Blue grew up skittish and distrustful , but slowly accepted Lois as her person and would even sometimes come to me and let me pet her if I didn 't visit with a dog in tow . If Lois had not died , Blue would have been set for life . Sadly , though , Lois unexpectedly suffered a stroke while in the hospital for a broken pelvis . I already had her dog , Fancy , at my house . Lois ' oldest cat , Elmer , died within days of her death ; her daughter Kay took the larger cats , and I took poor little Blue . I put Blue in my bedroom , where she hid under the bed during the day . At that time ( two years ago ) I was crating my dogs at night anyway , so nothing changed for them except that the bedroom door was closed at night . Dudley and Splotch , though , were baffled at being shut out . But Blue needed attention : during the night she came up on the bed and slept with me . Blue is a small gray cat , only seven pounds , long and lean when she stretches out . She has gold eyes , and a rather long nose that gives her face a distinct triangular shape . She and I spent the nights together for two years , with the dogs , Fancy and Bianca , joining us when I felt it was no longer necessary to crate them . Blue already knew Fancy , and soon made friends with Bianca . For weeks Blue never left the bedroom , even during the day when the door was open . The main reason for her reticence was Splotch , the only one of my menagerie who did not welcome her . He was not happy at no longer being the youngest cat , and I could not keep him from bullying Blue , who is half his size . So Dudley took it upon himself to teach Blue cat martial arts , which gave her confidence just as such training does for many people . She began venturing out of the bedroom , at least into the spare bedroom or across the hall into the bathroom . As time passed she would stay in the hall , and even occasionally stray into the kitchen . That was how things stood until Dudley died last month . Like all cats , Dudley had particular places he liked to sit or lie . I told you last week about Splotch taking his place on the TV table . Well , Blue chose one of his other favorite places , the bottom shelf of one of the living room bookcases , where he would sit for hours like a knickknack . Within days , I began to see Blue sitting in that spot . Also , Blue began to play . Dudley and Splotch were both playful cats , separately and together , but Blue was solemn , cautious , quiet , sitting under the rocking chair and watching the others play . But now she began chasing sunbeams and imaginary mice ! Then one day I was at my desk in the office , concentrating on something on the computer . Slowly I realized that a gray cat was on my lap , having quietly invaded while I was not paying attention , just the way Dudley used to do . Sure enough it was Blue , on her first visit to my office - - but not her last . She now follows me in as Dudley did . As I write this she is sitting between the keyboard and the screen , another of Dudley 's favorite places , telling me I 've been at this too long , and the animals need some attention . One of Dudley 's annoying traits ( yes , he had some ) was to knock things off the table when he wanted my attention . This morning I was putting allergy medicine in Fancy 's eyes when Blue jumped up on the table and meowed for attention . I didn 't stop what I was doing to pet her , as I usually do to encourage her to assert herself - - and , BOP ! She very deliberately knocked a box of tissues onto the floor ! I 'm not sure exactly what is happening , except that Blue is coming into her own in ways that suggest she is using what she learned from Dudley . She now prowls the whole house , and demands more and more cuddling . She still hasn 't forgiven Splotch , but this morning I saw something that just might get him into her good graces if he keeps it up . Splotch approached Blue again , and she held her ground and growled at him as usual . And then Splotch began to go through the cat martial arts opening ceremony . Blue stared at him and stopped growling . No , she didn 't accept the invitation - - but she simply walked away . It 's only a month since my Zen cat , Dudley , died , but in that time the behavior of my other two cats has changed . The cat that Dudley adopted , Splotch , is still somewhat bewildered . At eight years old , Splotch is a big , strong , beautiful animal , sweet to people but a bully to dogs and other cats . He is quite vocal , with an unusual gravelly meow . He is a certified therapy cat , but doesn 't have the patience Dudley had . Every time he meets a new dog in the program , he is not satisfied until he boxes that dog 's ears . No claws come out , but he has to show each dog that he 's the boss . After that he 's happy to be friends . Splotch came to us as a half - grown kitten , so he probably can hardly remember life without Dudley - - and of course Dudley was his parent figure , mentor , and tutor all his life . He was used to Dudley going away with me and not coming home for days at a time when we traveled , and later when he had to stay overnight or longer at the animal hospital . Splotch was secure - - Dudley always came home to him . But when this time Dudley didn 't come home from the vet 's within a few days , Splotch started looking for him , quickly realizing that he was not hiding inside the house . It was out in the garage that Dudley taught Splotch to hunt mice and crickets . One of Dudley 's favorite parts of the garage was the loft , which is low enough for a cat to jump into from the top of the car . Splotch always preferred staying on the car roof while Dudley napped in the loft . There were occasions through the years when either Dudley fell so sound asleep up there that he didn 't hear me calling , or else he just didn 't want to come down and come inside when Splotch did . So in his hunt for Dudley , Splotch insisted on going out to the garage . It was a busy day , and I had to open the garage door a couple of times to get at tools and gardening equipment . Around dinner time I realized I hadn 't seen Splotch for hours , and wondered if he had gotten out sometime during the day . Normally when he gets outside , Splotch goes to the south side of the house and huddles under the bushes either until I come looking for him or until twilight , when he comes up on the porch and cries to be let in . However , twice over the years Splotch has disappeared completely , only to return drunk as the proverbial skunk . He loves and responds to catnip , so I 've never been sure whether there is a patch of catnip back in the woods , or if perhaps someone is growing some wacky weed . The last time Splotch got into whatever it is was last summer , when he didn 't come home at twilight , or when I gave the dogs their bedtime walk . Worried about him , I didn 't sleep well , so when the dogs alerted me after midnight I went outside - - and sure enough I heard Splotch calling from two houses down the street . I keep a light on my driveway , and my neighbors light their front yard , so I could see Splotch approaching . He strolled in a devil - may - care way under their trees - - but every few steps he would LEAP into the air , four or five feet high . Then he would stroll a few more feet and LEAP again . Oh , my , but he was intoxicated ! But he finally made his way home , and slept off his hangover . So when I couldn 't find him the day he went looking for Dudley , I wondered if he had decided to go off and find something to make him feel better . If he had , I knew he would come home , but at bedtime I decided to check the garage once again . This time when I called him he answered - - from Dudley 's hiding place in the loft . He came down , came inside , and wanted lap time . At 14 pounds , Splotch is quite a lapful ! It was clear Splotch had finally accepted that Dudley was gone , and he both needed comforting and wanted to comfort me . Since then he has been trying to figure out his new place in the house . Dudley was a floor cat , and now I frequently find Splotch sleeping in Dudley 's favorite spots on the floor instead of his own favorites on the couch , the back of my chair , and the top of the bookcase . One evening I was watching television when Splotch did something he had never done before : he jumped up on top of the cable box and began attacking the TV screen , trying to catch some horses running through the picture ! That was an argument I had had with Dudley a hundred times , especially during the Olympics when he always tried to catch divers or figure skaters . Then he would sit on the cable box with his tail hanging in front of the electric eye , so I couldn 't change the channel - - which Splotch now proceeded to do . And finally Dudley would settle down among the wires between the cable box and DVR and the wall , where Splotch finished off that evening . He had never , ever been up on the TV table before . Splotch apparently decided the TV table was no fun , as he has not gone back there since . He has also repented refusing to make friends with Blue , and keeps approaching her to no avail . I hope she will make up with him as he works out that he is now senior cat in our house , and it 's time to grow up . My cat Dudley came to me early in 2002 , after my Siamese cat Soolin died . Dudley was a rather ordinary looking gray tabby , but he had personality to spare . He loved everybody , including the dogs , and quickly settled in as family . Dudley soon figured out that if he joined the dogs when I got them together to come , sit , down , and wave , he would also get treats if he did what the dogs did . I put a harness on him , and he quickly learned to walk on a leash simply because he was a laid - back cat who went with the flow . I often took him to school with me , and my students were delighted to have him wander about the classroom , sitting on laps and taking naps on backpacks . Soon my friend Lois Ruiz urged me to join the newly reorganized Pet Therapy program through our Humane Society . Dogs had to pass obedience training , but my remaining dog Kadi ended up with a certificate of attendance . She was a rescue who had been abused as a puppy , leaving her with brain damage , a sweet personality , all the instincts of a herding dog , and very little sense . So we just loved her , and let Dudley take on pet therapy duties . Cats only have to behave well on ten supervised visits ( as well as passing the same health tests as dogs ) to be certified , As the first and for a long time only cat in the program , Dudley quickly became very popular . Children loved him , as did the cat lovers in nursing homes . He quickly became the most photographed cat in town , riding in Homecoming and Christmas parades , and participating in fundraising activities . International students in particular seemed to love him , so I 'll never know how many of their selfies with him are circulating online . Dudley had an active social life , and for the first five years he lived with me seemed perfectly content as an only cat . But then , Dudley was always content . Twice during that time I fostered kittens until homes could be found for them , and he paid them no mind . But then a friend brought me a half - grown tabby / tuxedo kitten to find a home for - - and Dudley decided to adopt this one ! He took over training , cleaning , and disciplining the kitty I named Splotch for the strange configuration of his coat pattern . I watched Dudley go into sensei mode , teaching Splotch the cat form of martial arts , complete with formal addresses before each match . He also taught him how to interact with dogs , and how to catch mice and crickets in the garage . Eventually Splotch grew to be larger than Dudley , but Dudley could always beat him , even when he became old and frail . Splotch followed in his master 's pawprints in becoming our second therapy cat . As he grew older , Dudley grew fat . I told him I shouldn 't have nicknamed him my little Buddha , but he didn 't care . He just went on living in the moment and enjoying life . But life changed around him . Lois lost her therapy dog Tessa to old age , and for a while took Splotch on our pet therapy excursions . Then she adopted a little chihuahua / terrier mix , and named her Fancy . Kadi 's brain damage was finally too much for her medication , and she passed over the rainbow bridge . I adopted Bianca , a dear little Maltese , and Lois and I signed up for obedience class , planning to train our dogs together for pet therapy . But then Lois suffered a fall and a broken pelvis . While she was in the hospital , Fancy stayed with me . But Lois never came home : in the hospital she suffered a massive stroke and died . I kept Fancy , and also took in Lois ' smallest cat , Blue , while Lois ' daughter took her other cats . Through all of this , Dudley remained a calm center who had many tears shed into his soft gray fur . He became Blue 's protector , as Splotch was reluctant to give up the position of youngest cat . Lois had rescued Blue from some children who wrapped a wire around her neck and dragged her down the street . She was afraid of everyone and everything , except Dudley and Fancy . Dudley taught her the same moves he had taught Splotch , and she learned to stand up to the would - be bully . Then in 2013 Dudley had his first brush with mortality , when he developed bladder stones . Never one to complain , he didn 't know how to tell me he was in pain - - but he knew he needed help . So one day when I was putting on my makeup in the bathroom , he came in , ignored the litterbox , jumped up on the toilet and peed in the bowl . I went from , " Oh , Dudley , you 're so clever , " to " Oh , my God ! " in a split second , and rushed him to the vet . He had to have surgery , and then a special diet for the rest of his life to make sure the stones didn 't come back . He recovered well , without complaint , and went back to his usual routine , including keeping Splotch in line . For two more years I had my lovely zen cat - - but this spring he began losing weight . I hoped he was just losing the excess , for he continued to be his sweet self until one morning in May he staggered into my bedroom and fell over . Thinking he had had a stoke , I once again rushed him to the vet . The diagnosis was vestibular disease , which affects the inner ear . With steroids and antibiotics , Dudley recovered , but the weight loss continued . I noticed that while he still came when I put food out , he ate only a few mouthfuls while I was watching , and then quit . But that was my Dudley . He didn 't want to suffer , and he didn 't want me to suffer . I 've tried to see it his way : better to go quickly , without the pain that recurring cancer would have caused . He had lived a good life , touching many lives both animal and human . My tribute to him online drew over a hundred comments and emails . He will be remembered . My husband and I just celebrated 48 years of marriage . I feel incredibly lucky . Lucky that I met him . Lucky that he has been my friend this long . Lucky that we still enjoy the same things , and doing things together . Lucky that we are still both alive and healthy . But knowing that we have taken care of each other , and can do so again if necessary . We have managed to survive when we both lost our jobs and had to survive on food stamps and unemployment . Over the weekend I attended a movie entitled , " I 'm not Racist . . . Am I ? " by Catherine Wigginton Greene . Here 's the summary that got me interested in seeing this movie : " What if this next generation could transcend racism ? One year , 12 teens , on a remarkable journey to face racism and white privilege , and to have the conversations most of us are too afraid to have . Once they push through naivete , guilt and tears , what they learn may change us all . " These teens did not face or openly discuss racism . They were guided to discuss racism by proponents of unusual black Point Of View . Basically , Ms . Greene extrapolates from the indisputable fact that the power system in the US favors white people . She explains , via a male spokesperson , that because all white people have benefited from this system , all white people are by definition racist . And no colored people can be racist . If they are racially prejudiced , they are bigots , not racists . I see no value in redefining well - known vocabulary . In fact , I would say that one reason I was not allowed ( by my African American city council person ) to purchase city property in his district is that I am not African American . In Philadelphia , the power structure benefits the non - whites . The movie also states that addressing a person of a different race or ethnic origin as an equal is wrong . That all our interactions must take into account our differing ethnic heritages . I , personally , see nothing wrong with having a business deal with somebody and not asking anything about their ethnic culture , but then again , I 'm white , so I clearly " don 't get it . " The moderator , who guided these teens ' discussions , also said , " if we get an image in our minds ( such as skin color ) when we hear the word " nigger " that whether or not we use that word , we are part of the problem . " He also said we must NOT use the word " halfies " because that is insulting . He had to explain that " halfies " means biracial . I 'd never heard the term before . During the year , the teens played games designed to show how the system helps white people . The moderator read statements and if the teen felt it applied to him or her , s / he took a step forward . If not , s / he didn 't move . One statement was " I see people of my race on television program presenting good examples . " As a white person , I don 't think most people on television , of any race , present good examples . They all do things that hurt each other and society . They all argue about trivia . Another statement was , " I can be accepted into a good school , and nobody will ask if I was helped by affirmative action . " Just the phrasing singles out white students , who can 't get affirmative action . The game was rigged . After the movie , many people in the audience talked about how moving it was . I was not moved . The main point seemed to be that the movie maker thinks that talking about racism from her point of view is a good thing . We 're all entitled to our opinions . I just don 't see how her opinion is going to help improve race relations . I have a bad habit of repeating conversations in my head . Or , sometimes , I use past conversations as a model for future conversations and play them in my head . Either way , I 'm having conversations with someone who isn 't there - which I freely admit is insane . I have sat or walked or tried to go to sleep while these crazy conversations play in my head . I know exactly how they will go before they finish , but I continue to play the whole thing , hating every second of it . I didn 't know how to turn it off . The author is a brit who talks about the " nutter " in my head . That feels right - I know these conversations are crazy . But it never occurred to me that the conversant was a subpersonality of sorts . The next time one of these recordings started playing , I found my self thinking , " That 's just my nutter . " It stopped ! It tried again in about half an hour . And again , I thought , " That 's just my nutter . " It stopped again . It keep trying . Different conversations - it must have stored up thousands . Some are briefly interesting , but then I remember how they go . That 's just my nutter . I don 't have to listen do this nonsense . I had a comfy couch - not new , but certainly presentable . Habitat for Humanity said they 'd take it if it was on the 1st floor . I hired some guys to move it to the 1st floor . Then Habitat said they couldn 't get it for a month . It was now occupying my living room , and I wanted it gone . Habitat suggested I call Uhuru , which is a charitable furniture store . Uhuru had me send them a photo . Then they had me fill out a questionnaire . Then they said it wasn 't new enough for them . I listed it on my neighborhood newsletter . One man came over with his wife and said he 'd bring a truck by the next day . The next day came and went . I called him . He no longer wanted it . My husband listed it for $ 50 on Craig 's List . It was gone in an hour . I also had an old portable typewriter . I have an emotional attachment to this toy . I bought it with my first paycheck in 1965 . It took my entire paycheck of $ 40 . I wanted it to go to a good home , or be used as a theater prop . I listed it free on the theater group I belong to . One woman emailed me that she was interested . She couldn 't come over that day because she was prepping for a colonoscopy . She couldn 't come over the next day because she was having the colonoscopy . She said she 'd try to get by during the next week to come look at it , and she had a a bunch of questions about the ribbon , as if she 'd never used a typewriter in her life . In my experience , most of the people who email intently about a freebie never come over . Or if they do , it doesn 't meet their approval . And since she had not requested an appointment to see it , I wasn 't counting on her . It 's a freebie . First come is first served . A friend wanted it . I notified the theater group woman that it had been taken . She says she 's now suing me in small claims court . She had put in her request first so she should have had first grab . When this woman saw my listing for the couch , she wrote me a nasty email that I had better not do the same thing with this couch . I told her it was already gone . She wrote " see you in court . " Does nobody sane want free stuff ? Then he switched the topic . He was suddenly angry about Cain killing Abel in Genesis . Cain must have been a truly evil person , and God should have destroyed him . The rant continued . This time , I thought - I 'll defend Cain . The monster comes out and glares at me with eyes like burning cinders . He grabs my bed covers , so I can 't hide . Then he growls , " I 'm your monster . You have to give me jobs to keep me busy , or I 'll eat you . " I totally get why Satan in the Bible stories was mad at God . Satan had been a good and faithful servant and a friend to God for aeons . Then along came Jesus and - who gets to inherit the kingdom ? The newcomer - the kid . God of the Bible believes in nepotism . When I was in high school , other students parents got them summer jobs at the places where they worked . My father said he didn 't believe in nepotism and he refused to help me . He even hinted that he thought I wasn 't worthy of a paycheck . So , I mowed lawns for nearly nothing while my classmates were paid more than minimum wage , and had interesting jobs in air conditioned buildings . I have a niece who is a literary agent . I write stories that sometimes find publishers . My niece says her boss won 't let her be an agent for friends or family . I asked her to just read some of my short picture book texts , and give me feedback . She doesn 't have time . I fix family members ' computers for free . I take care of them when they are ill . But this isn 't the nepotism they don 't believe in . It 's only their time and their effort that counts as nepotism . I spent the time correcting these errors . Then I thought - why do I care ? If the only way this site will know anything about my family is if we tell them , then they 're not doing anything we can 't do without them . They 're not accessing the Mormon database of ancestors that goes back centuries . The online genealogy site is less detailed than the paternal family tree . And since they have mistakes in the living members files , I see no reason to care about the older ones . Actually , I 'd only care if there were stories - the whole fun of having family is the soap opera . My older daughter is interested in a different website - one that studies the genetics of families - what diseases they have , how many neanderthal genes they carry . I can see a use for this - it might be nice to know what diseases to be on the lookout for . But my family doesn 't have hereditary early onset cancer or other diseases that can be treated by modern medicine . So , I 'm not excited about this service , either . My husband , the alien , and I have been trying to buy vacant lots that belong to the city of Philadelphia . We want to build a one - story home because my husband is having trouble climbing stairs . Philly is a city of row houses and over 40 , 000 vacant lots . The city has created a map of these lots with " for sale " signs on a good fraction of them . We only want to build one home . We have been requesting to purchase lots that have " for sale " signs . Every time we request one , we are told that " the council president has other plans for that lot . " After sending about 30 such requests , we received this note from the council president 's person in charge of real estate : " I wanted to let you know that I have been receiving your requests . The lots in the neighborhoods you are considering ( such as Brewerytown , Francisville , West Poplar , Ludlow , North Central ) are on " hold " pending or have been identified as part of other larger community development plans and / or the Council President 's affordable / workforce housing initiative . Until these initiatives / plans are finalized , I am afraid I won 't be able to move forward on any of these requests . " One of the lots we requested and were denied has now been removed from the map of city owned vacant lots . To me , this indicates that this lot was sold to someone else and is now somebody 's private property . I conclude that there are rules for who can buy city owned vacant lots . But I have no access to these rules . There is also a map of privately owned vacant lots . I used Google Earth to look at some of these lots . About half of them have buildings in progress . This morning , I biked out to look at one that appeared empty on Google Earth , and the owner is in the process of building . This map is out - of - date . A friend suggested I find an abandoned dilapidated warehouse , buy that , destroy it , and then build . That probably costs a lot more than buying a vacant lot . Meanwhile , I can keep looking at the privately owned vacant lots , find one that is really vacant , find the owner , and offer to buy it . This is not going to be simple . This sign never makes sense to me . Nobody ever offers mediocre wishes , or damaged wishes . I wouldn 't know where to look for used wishes or remaindered wishes , or seconds . I expect any business I patronize to want the best for me , if for no other reason than their desire that I come back and buy more stuff from them . Last weekend I took the Greyhound bus to New York City to see a play . I had planned to make a day of it . I booked what I thought was an express bus for 9 : 15 in the morning . The play didn 't start until 2 PM . It 's usually a 2 hour bus ride , so that would give me plenty of time for people watching and eating lunch at a restaurant . My husband and I arrived half an hour early to make sure we could get seats next to each other . Upon arrival , we learned that our tickets were not for the express bus , but rather for the stop - and - go bus that takes 25 minutes longer . When the 9 AM express bus arrived at the station , they let 4 people who had arrived before us board because there were empty seats . Finally at 10 : 45 our bus arrived . It had stopped and picked up passengers earlier and it did not have enough seats for all of us . Since my husband and I were now at the front of the line , we did get to ride on it . It actually took 2 hours and 45 minutes to get to NYC . So , our 2 hour ride took over 4 hours to get us to NYC , and I have no idea when or if the passengers left behind arrived . Perhaps they were allowed on the 11 AM bus , if it had empty seats . When an airline messes up like this they apologize . They buy seats from passengers on oversold flights . They give everyone free miles on their account . At no time did Greyhound apologize . They acted like we passengers were being unreasonable to want to go to our ticket destinations . I sent them an email explaining that I wish they 'd improve . They didn 't bother to respond . I have blemished wishes for them . I know that 's not going to accomplish anything . But then best wishes don 't accomplish anything either . Posted by A friend sent me what he said was an old spiritual teaching story . The premise fascinated me , but the tale had no plot . In the beginning , the protag had a problem . This was a worthy problem - definitely worth writing about . The protag went to a spiritual teacher who gave him an answer . The answer caused another problem . Again , the protag went to the teacher , who gave him another answer . End of story . I rewrote it - now sure that I had something commercial in my hopper . I sent it to agents . I sent it to the few publishers who look at over - the - transom manuscripts . Most ignored me . The ones who responded gave me that " not suitable for our list at this time " letter , which means nothing . I could get that response if I sent a blank piece of paper . I 'm a professional . I don 't think I 've lost my talent . In fact , I feel like my story - telling ability has improved over time . This story is a keeper . When I do find an editor , I may have to do more rewriting . But the core of the story will remain intact . I 've been a writer long enough to know that the story in my head may need to take a different shape before it effectively communicates with other people 's heads .

I finished work early so I decided to join Bella at the beach . When I got there , I saw her building a sandcastle with Benjamin . The colorful highlights in her hair sparkled . She was breathtaking in the beaming sun . Both she and Benjamin 's backs were to me . I had the element of surprise . I made sure the sunflowers I bought for Bella were fine and headed over . The closer I got , the more I noticed that something was fucking wrong . Benjamin was a fucking bodyguard . He should have heard me by now . I stopped a few feet from my babydoll , ready to chew Benny 's ass out . When she turned around , I screamed my fucking lungs out . She was … . the fucking walking - dead . There was no trace of life in this Bella . Benny was the same . I tried to move , but the ground grew fucking tentacles that held me in place . Bella walked towards me . She was soaking wet . Her skin was a deathly shade of white and her lips were blue . I had a sudden urge to throw up . She was wearing her wedding dress , but … the baby … the baby bump wasn 't there . I tried to look away , but I couldn 't . She pointed to her sunken in stomach . " You did this , Edward ! You killed us ! I 'll never be a mother now ! It should have been you that died . Why … why did you murder us ? I loved you so much . How could you ? " Bella turned away from me . I begged for her to stay , but she started walking towards the fucking water with Benny . I fought against my constraints and screamed until my fucking voice gave out . I just needed her to stay with me . She was my fucking soul . I watched in horror as Benny stepped into the waves and was taken under . When Bella was at the edge , she looked at me . The sadness in her soulless black eyes killed the last part of my fucking heart . I wouldn 't survive life without my angel . " Edward , we loved you so much . Our blood is on your hands . " She threw something to me . The object landed at my feet . It was the last sonogram that was taken of our baby . When I bent down to pick it up , the picture caught fire and burned to ashes . I bit , fought , kicked , and yelled , but nothing brought Bella back to me . Life no longer had any meaning . I wanted to die , too . I needed to be under the waves with my babydoll . ~ ~ LAMTAF ~ ~ When I opened my eyes , I was in the fucking padded white room again . I didn 't know how many days I 'd been there , but it seemed like forever . I just wanted to fucking die , but no one would let me . My fucking life had been an empty black hole since … . There was nothing left on Earth for me . I felt like my blood had been replaced with fucking poisonous venom that was slowly killing my ass . That day , after I threw my fucking phone through the window , I reached for my SIG . I was about to blow my fucking brains out all over the Church pews , but there were no more fucking bullets . By the time I found some in my pocket , Caius had given the bodyguards orders to take all my weapons and put my ass on a plane to Chicago . I fought like hell , but I was no fucking match for the big ass guards . In the end , they drugged my ass and carried me onto the plane . When I woke up , I was in my guest room at the Volturi 's main house . Caius came to see me . I called him every fucking name in the book . It wasn 't his fault , but he was the only there for me to blame , so I lashed out at him . He took it all in stride . I lost count of how many times he apologized to me . Everyone was so fucking sorry . It didn 't do shit to bring my babydoll back - - just the word , ' babydoll ' made me want to slit my fucking wrists . The Volturi mansion had been cleaned up and repaired . It didn 't even look like a fucking bombing had occurred . It made me angry . Everything was so fucking false . What good did it do to pretend that everything was okay when it wasn 't ? During my first few nights , I was watched like a hawk . Everything that could be used a fucking weapon had been taken from the room . They wouldn 't even let me have a fucking knife to cut my steak , not that I ate anything . Food turned my fucking stomach and brought back memories of all the dinners I 'd shared with my babydoll . I didn 't sleep at all . I spent my days and nights pacing the fucking floor and pulling my goddamn hair . I needed to fucking die so that I could see Bella again . It was pure fucking torture to be in the compound without her . Most of my family was still in the hospital those first days . I didn 't visit anyone because I was in no fucking condition to provide any solace to anyone . I was the fucking reason that they were all suffering . No matter how many times everyone assured me it wasn 't my fucking fault , I knew it was . My fucking beef with James had started all of this shit . After one particularly nasty nightmare , I decided that I was going to kill myself if I had to use my own fucking hands to do it . I remembered that I had a baggie of heroin from when I used to do drugs hidden in the room . The sweepers hadn 't managed to find it because it was in the air vent . Luckily I 'd hidden a syringe and lighter with the dope . I kept one of the spoons from my dinner and heated up the fucking heroin . I was ready to die . I took out one of my favorite pictures of my babydoll . In it , she was lying down in the sun and smiling at me . It was taken during one of our beach trips . She looked so fucking happy - - that was the way I wanted to remember her . My hands had been strong and sure as I filled the fucking needle . Shooting up wasn 't my usual choice for getting high , but most of the heroin I 'd ever bought came with a fresh needle . Contrary to popular belief , high class dealers did their part to stop the spread of HIV . There wouldn 't be any fucking product to sell if all the fucking junkies were dead . I tied one of my navy Gucci ties around my upper arm before injecting the dope . The minute the drugs entered my bloodstream , I felt my first fucking sense of peace . I laid down on the bed and let all my memories of Bella run through my mind . The images were so real and fucking vivid . It was almost like she was still alive . I took turns heating and injecting , until I felt my body go numb . My heart rate was triple what it was supposed to be . I was imagining me and Bella 's wedding night when everything went black . My suicide didn 't work , though . One of the bodyguards had broken down the door when I never answered my hourly check . He did CPR on me . I was rushed to one of the Volturi 's private hospitals . All I remembered was loud beeping noise and being shocked back to life . I fought the doctors and nurses , so they put my ass in restraints . I fucking hated them for making me come back to Hell . Mom and Carlisle came to see me when the doctors deemed it safe . Esme looked like she 'd aged twenty fucking years and Carlisle was in a fucking wheelchair . I hated myself for what I 'd done to them . My mom was as innocent of this shit as my babydoll had been . All men like me and my father did was bring fucking destruction . I 'd had a fucking tube down my throat , so I couldn 't say anything . Mom kissed my forehead and cried silently as Carlisle tried to give me some encouragement . I just closed my fucking eyes and pretended that they weren 't there . While I was in the hospital , Caius arranged for Em , Rose , and the boys to be brought to the compound . Emmett came to visit my pathetic ass . He read a newspaper and told me how fucking sorry he was about what happened to Bella . I never acknowledged his presence . Because I was a suicide risk , I received around the clock supervision . I tried bribing people for shit , but my godfathers had thought ahead . No one would provide me anything that could be used to end my fucking life . I refused to eat a goddamn thing . They put a tube in my arm that pumped nutrients in my body . Nurses came in to bathe me because I wasn 't about to do that shit . A few of them spent some extra time on my cock . It didn 't ' do them a bit of good , though . I hadn 't gotten a hard on since I heard about Bella 's death . It was only right ; she owned my dick . It died with her . New Years came and went without me giving a shit . Alice and Jasper were released and came to see me . Ali cried the whole fucking time . She had been with my babydoll during her final moments . I had so many fucking questions , but they died on my tongue - - knowing the details would only hurt more . Jasper was catatonic . The doctors had been able to remove the bullet from his shoulder , but he didn 't move . He just sat in the ugly hospital chair and stared into space . I envied him , at least his mind was gone to some faraway place . Alice kept petting him and trying to get him to talk but he never moved . His body was so fucking still . I would have sworn that he was dead if his chest wasn 't moving . Every now and again , tears would fall from his eyes . He was a fucking ghost , just like me . Marcus and Di came to see me after that ; they were as fucking banged up as everyone else . My godmother had gauze covering up most of her body . She had been badly burned trying to get Marcus out . They were both in wheelchairs . Marcus would press her morphine drip every time she winced . He couldn 't bare to see her in pain . They both sat with me for a long time . Di cried , like all the women , but neither Marcus nor I said a fucking word . We both knew that shit would never be the same . The Volturi had been compromised . Our hey - day was over . It was a new fucking era in the Mafia world . Benjamin died mid January . Caius came to tell me the news - - Our Organization made sure that he got a proper burial and that his family was taken care of for life . His death was another nail on my fucking coffin . Liam arranged for Eleazar and Carmen 's funeral . The restaurant was left to me to do with it as I pleased . When Jenks came to give me the papers , I fucking snarled and cursed him out . He smiled sadly before exiting the room . Demetri continued to live on life support . The doctors gave him a fifty - fifty chance of surviving his injuries . I was told that he was a fucking vegetable . The surgeons hadn 't been able to remove the bullet from his brain . Felix came to see me towards the end of January . He was as fucking pale as I 'd ever seen him . He talked to me about Dante , which he said was one of Bella 's favorite authors . I felt even worse ; I had never taken a real interest in her hobbies . I 'd left Felix in Seattle to run the club . Sometimes I thought that if he had of been in the car instead of Jane , he might have been able to save Bella 's life , but that was fucking stupid . From what I was told , nothing could have saved my babydoll . Caius had divers looking for Bella and Jane 's bodies so that we could do a proper burial . They didn 't hold much hope of finding any remains , because the car had fucking exploded . All that was left of my babydoll and our baby were fucking ashes at the bottom of Lake Michigan . I wished that I was down there with them . I had nightmares every fucking night . I screamed and thrashed so much that the doctors suggested that I be put in the psychiatric ward . My fucking mind was gone . I saw Bella 's corpse everywhere . It taunted me all the fucking time . I 'd tried to scratch my eyes out . My main doctor declared me mentally insane when he walked in and heard me talking to Bella . When a Don went crazy , his Organization couldn 't risk him telling secrets , so we had our own private psychiatric hospitals . I was sent to one near our compound outside of Chicago . I scratched myself bloody the first fucking night . They put me in a straight jacket after that . It had taken ten guys to get restrain me . I wondered why everyone was going through all the bullshit to keep me alive when I deserved to die . A fucking psychiatrist came to talk to me . I made the fucking bastard cry . There was nothing that he could say to make me feel any better . I had conversations with Bella right in front of his ass . He left when I was telling her how much I missed her and our baby . That was how I got to be here in the fucking padded white room . They let me out of my straight jacket to sleep but kept my body restrained on the fucking bed . I just stared at the fucking ceiling until the nightmares began . They came every fucking night . When I opened my eyes again , Dr . A was in the room with me . Caius had flown her and her daughter to Chicago as an extra precaution . She was wearing jeans and a blue sweater . I 'd never seen her in casual clothes . " Edward , please , you need to start communicating again . I know you want to get out of this room . I can 't help you if you don 't help yourself . " I growled . " If you 're not here to help me end my fucking life , then leave ! That 's the only fucking thing anyone can do for me now . " I fought against the bindings , causing the bed to shake . " Don 't say her fucking name ! Don 't you fucking dare ! I failed her ! I deserve to rot in Hell ! " Several people came in to see what the ruckus was about . One of the nurses injected me with the shit they used to calm my ass down - - after that , everything went fuzzy . Bella 's corpse stood by the bed looking down at me until the blackness came . Mom came to visit me on Valentine 's Day . She brought a miniature of Bella in her wedding dress . It was in a plastic frame with no glass . They couldn 't risk me breaking it and trying to slit my fucking wrists . That night , I cried myself into a stupor . Not even corpse Bella came to visit me . I was really all alone . Alice and Jasper had long ago called off their wedding . Jasper was in no condition or mood to get married . Plus , there was nothing to celebrate . Our light was gone . A bleak darkness surrounded the whole family . No one fucking smiled anymore . The next few days went by in a blur . The picture was all I had of my babydoll . I guarded it like a fucking rabid dog . One of the orderlies accidentally knocked it down when he was cleaning my space . I fucking flipped and bit the guy in the leg . That earned me a new straight jacket and another night in the padded white room . One day , Caius came to tell me that they were having a funeral for Bella . I was going to be allowed out to attend . There wasn 't even a fucking body to bury . The Volturi still had men searching the lake , but so far nothing had turned up . Marcus came to sit with me a lot . He would tell me stories about my father and reminisce about the old days . I fucking tuned him out most of the time , but some things got through . I used to think losing my dad was the worst thing that would ever happen to me , but losing my babydoll was far worse . The workers at the asylum were worse than the fucking patients . The nurse in charge of my feeding and baths fondled me every fucking chance she got . I didn 't know why bitches even tried anymore . I was allergic to every fucking vagina except for Bella 's . There would never be another pussy for me . After one particularly enlightening session , my psychiatrist gave me a treat . I was allowed one of Bella 's garments to keep . I requested that it be her garter . She 'd packed it in my luggage for me to take on my trip . When it was brought to me , I fucking died again . It still smelled just like her . I slept with it clutched in my hand every night . On the day of the funeral , Carlisle came to get me ready . Alice had picked out a black Armani suit for me to wear . I showered by myself , letting my tears flow down the fucking drain . How could they ask me to bury my heart and soul ? I stayed under the spray until dad came to get me . He helped me dress in silence . I was weak because of my drastic weight loss . Since I 'd been in the fucking hospital , I 'd dropped twenty - five pounds . When I was dressed , I studied myself in the fucking mirror . I had a fucking beard and my eyes were bloodshot . My fucking hair missed Bella 's fingers . It had grown long in the back and on the sides . No one bothered to cut it , because I didn 't stay still long enough . I let Carlisle brush my hair and groom the fucking beard . I didn 't even recognize myself anymore . Only Mom and Carlisle rode with me in the car . They were silent as we drove to my old childhood Catholic Church . I hadn 't been to it in over fifteen years , but I still gave them lots of money every year . Bella 's ' funeral ' was actually a remembrance service . The Church was kept dark , but lit with white candles . There was a huge color photo of my babydoll hanging at the front . It was a full body shot of her smiling . I was told that Alice had taken it during one of their days together . Bella 's beautiful chocolate eyes taunted me as I took my seat . Everyone wore black and took turns talking about their favorite Bella memories . Tough - as - shit Rosalie broke down and had to be carried away by Emmett . He gave me a sympathetic nod as he led her and the boys out of the service . Di talked about her first meeting with my babydoll . She 'd loved her from the beginning - - that wasn 't surprising because Bella had been so easy to love . When Di talked about working with my babydoll in the wine vineyards in Italy , I buried my head in my mom 's shoulder and sobbed . Marcus and Caius went next . They too had fond memories of my angel . They discussed her radiant beauty and loyalty to her Family . Marcus was still in pretty bad shape and walked with a cane . He choked up in the middle . His girlfriend , who someone later told me was named Chelsea , had to finish for him . There wasn 't a dry eye in the fucking Church by the last line . My soul wept tears of shame for taking away everyone 's angel . Both Mom and Carlisle said some beautiful things about Bella . Esme expressed her sadness in losing a daughter . In such a short time , my babydoll had become her child . She collapsed from the stress when speaking of seeing her grandchild 's first sonogram . Carlisle had to carry her away . The only people left were me , Ali , and Jasper . Alice told a funny story of a shopping trip that she 'd taken with Bella . She wasn 't able to finish , though , and left to join mom and dad . Jasper just sat on the pew across from me and stared above the altar at Bella 's picture . Neither one of us took a turn at the podium . Eventually , the service was over . One of my new bodyguards came to lead me back to the car . Alice managed to drag Jasper away . He and I shared a look of infinite sadness before getting into our respective cars . I was taken back to the hospital and put into my straight jacket again . Someone came to put the nutrient drip back into my arm . I was so fucking tired of the pretense of living , especially after my babydoll 's funeral . I made up my mind that I was going to use all my strength to find a way to commit suicide . I couldn 't live with the ache in my chest much longer . The next week brought about March . I had been in the psyche ward for almost three months . I had my own private room that looked out over the gardens . Marcus got them to plant some moth orchids . Bella would have loved the garden . I actually spoke to the fucking psychiatrist so he allowed me another treat . This time I asked for the sonogram and the baby 's heart beat recording . The first night , I listened to it on repeat until I fell asleep . I put the sonogram into the same frame as my babydoll . Mid March , an unexpected person came to visit me , Jacob Black . He looked about as haggard as I felt . His long black hair was cropped short and his eyes held no light . Alice told me that he was taking Bella 's death hard too , but to see it … . He sat down in my visitor 's chair . I had been staring at my picture of Bella . I placed it on the nightstand and sat up . He eyed my surroundings , and then shook his head . I was fucking pissed that he was here in the first place . " Look , Edward , I know you don 't like me , but please , hear me out . " I nodded . " I loved Bella , too . Not in the same way that you did , but I still loved her . She was my friend and confident . There was a time when I thought that I was in love with her , but she didn 't return my feelings . I know now that she couldn 't because he soulmate was out there all along . " He stood up and grabbed Bella 's picture . I lunged for his ass , knocking him against the wall . Two bodyguards came to pry us off of each other . I was trying to scratch out the motherfucker 's eyes . " She deserves revenge , Edward . That 's why I turned in my badge . I want every person that had anything to do with Bella 's death to die a miserable death . I don 't care if it 's illegal or immoral . She was innocent and didn 't deserve that . " I bowed my head and cried . " I 'm in . I 'm tired of being in this fucking hospital . If they won 't let me die , at least I can bring death and destruction to the motherfuckers that ruined my life . I only have one rule , and it 's the rule of all distinguished Family 's . No women and no children . " I smirked . " As soon as I can get Marcus to let me out of this fucking place . I 'll call and tell him to set up a room for you . Where 's Leah ? " He smiled . " She 's still in Forks . I made sure that she was under constant watch and protection before I came here . She understands and supports my decision , but she 's worried . I love her . " I knew the feeling . It was hard for a man to be away from the woman he loved . I 'd never understood that until I met my babydoll . I used to think it was all about fucking . Pussy was important too , but there was so much more when you loved the woman . Just sleeping beside Bella had made me happier than I 'd ever thought possible . After Jake left , I got on the phone with Caius and Marcus . I told them about my plans because it would have been fucking stupid to lie . Besides , I needed their help . We argued for hours , hashing out plans and other stuff . In the end , they agreed to get my psychiatrist to release me . The good doctor was getting a private Italian beach house for declaring me mentally competent . For the first time in forever , I took a bath on my own . I was allowed a plastic razor to shave my beard , but I had to do it supervised . They didn 't really have to worry anymore . I had a mission now . I was disgusted with myself for not getting revenge earlier . By the time Mom and Carlisle came to get me , I was dressed and packed . I would not miss the small ass room that I 'd called home for all those months . They let me take my straight jacket home with me . I threw it in the garbage on the way out . Esme was so happy that I was finally back to ' normal ' again . I didn 't tell her about my plans , because she didn 't need anything else to worry about . I let her hug and kiss me as we rode to the Volturi compound . Alice jumped in my arms the minute I stepped out of the car . I caught her up in my arms and kissed her cheeks . She looked so fucking happy . She even took time out to tease me for my clothing choices . I 'd worn a pair of jeans and a wrinkled t - shirt . Alice was appalled that no one had ironed my fucking clothes . Di had been undergoing skin graft surgery for her burns . She was almost back to normal , but some parts of her body were discolored . Marcus was even more protective of her than before . He 'd made a full recovery and had his bounce back . The whole family came to see me . Emmett and Rose told me that I looked like shit . It was just like old times , except my heart was missing . Everyone stayed away from the topic of Bella 's death . We all knew that if anyone mentioned it , we would break down again . When I got upstairs , I found out that Jacob had been given a room in my wing of the house . He came to say hello and talk . I started to understand why Bella had liked him . There was something strangely comforting about his disposition . Jake left a few minutes later and I laid down to take a nap . I was going to need my strength to bring terror to the motherfuckers responsible for my babydoll 's murder . All I saw was her when I closed my eyes . " Edward , wake up , " Bella 's corpse said as she leaned over me . " There can be no rest for you until you get revenge for me and your son . I would have been six months and 2 weeks today if you hadn 't of gotten us killed . " I cried and reached for her skeletal fingers . " I know , babydoll . I 'm so fucking sorry . I never did right by you . I never deserved your love . You were too fucking good for me . I miss you and the baby so fucking much . It feels like I died with you . " She pressed her cold blue lips to mine . " Shhh , Edward . I 'm sorry I 've been so hard on you . I 'm just angry . I really wanted to be a mother . I 'll never stop loving you . Please , kill the bastards who killed our baby . When you 're done , I 'll be waiting for you . You belong in the ocean with me . " I cried . " That 's all I want . I want to be with you forever . There is no life for me without you . Ti amo , Bella . Sempre . " When I woke up , I was alone . I went into the closet and got my luggage from that day . No one had touched it per my request . Bella 's Christmas gifts to me were still inside . I smiled at the colorful reindeer paper that she 'd chosen . The first gift was in a garment box . I opened it to reveal a heavy , black wool Burberry trench coat . I tried it on . It fit me to a fucking tee . It even had a belt that tied at the waist . My babydoll had such good taste . The thought of her picking out a gift for me brought a new pain to my heart , but I pushed it aside . I would be with my angel soon . The second box was longer . I opened it to reveal a wooden case . When I opened that , I fucking gasped . My babydoll had gotten me a fucking Japanese sword . I collected them , but I didn 't remember ever telling her that shit or showing her any of my favorites . The sword was a fucking beauty . It was a Thaitsuki Roiyaru Sanmai Katana or Samurai sword . The handle was ivory and my name was engraved in Edwardian script . It was one of the best made and most beautiful weapons that I 'd ever seen . It also fit perfectly in my palm . I took a few practice swipes in the air . It brought back memories of when I used to fence in high school . I had won several trophies before I gave up swordplay for my SIG . I used to enjoy shooting a gun more , but with Bella 's death , I had an extreme urge to slice cool metal across some evil motherfucker 's throats . My babydoll had even included chogi oil so that I could keep the blade clean and polished . The fucking floral inlay reminded me of her . She had known me so well . The sword would never leave my side while I was alive . The last gift was in a small box with an old fashioned scroll on the top . I opened it to read the last words that my babydoll wrote to me . My fucking tears blocked the writing , so I had to start and stop several times . Merry Christmas ! I am your wife , so you 're stuck with me for life now . I promise to make it worth your while . What can I say that hasn 't already been said ? You know how much I love and care for you . Our little family is my whole world . All my dreams and happiness are in you . You make me so proud every day . We fight , but I know that you love me and that there 's nothing that can change the way I fell about you . Sometimes , I wake up in the middle of the night to watch you sleep . It 's the only time that you let go of weight on your shoulders . You always look so angelic and peaceful while you sleep . I hope that you dream of me . Even though you must go away physically , you are never far from my heart . I am so in love with you , Edward Anthony Masen Cullen . You 've made all my dreams come true and more . I hope you like the gifts I picked out for you . The coat is to keep you warm when my arms are not around you . Jasper told me that you collect swords . He and Emmett helped me to pick out yours . I hope that you like it . You are always saying that you 're a monster , but I think of you as a hero . You 're going on a death mission to protect your Family . That takes lots of heart . I love and hate you for it . All the things that you hate about yourself only make me love you more . You can be a Caveward and an asshat , but you 're also loyal and loving . My heart , my soul , my body , my everything belongs to you . I pray each day that I will be enough for you . Our wedding was the happiest moment of my life so far . And the sex , oh my god , the sex . You always consume me , Edward . I know you get jealous , but I never even think of another man . Your hands are the only ones I feel when I touch myself . Please , stay safe and come back to me . I can 't live without you . I dreamed of our baby last night . It 's a boy . He has your hair and eyes . I already love him more than words can say . Since I won 't be with you , I included something of myself . In the box is a lock of my hair on a keychain . I hope you don 't mind that I cut it . Alice made sure that it wasLove , The baby … the baby … it was a boy . I got my son killed before he took his first breath . I knew from that first day in HADES that I was bad for my babydoll . I just never thought … I never thought my shit would get her killed . I opened the fucking box and took out the keychain . The hair smelled just like I remembered . I sat on the floor twirling and sniffing that lock of hair for hours . I ended up putting it the keychain on a necklace and hanging it around my neck . I stared at Bella 's name tattooed over my heart and her hair on my chest . She was all around me . I smiled . Reading the letter and smelling Bella 's hair woke my cock up . I retrieved her underwear from my duffel bag . I looked at our wedding pictures as I stroked myself to completion . I licked the crotch because it tasted like her . I came hard three times before I put the panties away . Each time , I screamed Bella 's name . Dinner was served to me in my room . Some members of my family came by to chat . Jasper stayed the longest . He still wasn 't talking much and there had been whispers that he might need some time in the psychiatric hospital . When Alice left , he turned to me . " I know what you 're planning . I want to help . She was my sister and best friend . " I rubbed my eyes and motioned for him to take a seat . " What about Alice ? She 'll freak if you leave . I don 't need any more blood on my hands . " He stood up and kicked over his chair . " Fuck that ! I have just as much right as you to get revenge . I practically raised Bella . Do … do you know how hard it is to know that I 'll never see her again . She was the only family that I had left . Now … now there 's nothing . I promised Charlie … . There 's not even a body for me to bury beside her parents ! " " I know , Jaz , I know . It 's all my fucking fault that she 's gone . She loved you so much . " I ran my fingers through my hair . " Okay , you 're in . Jake and my godfathers are helping too . I 'm leaving for Europe in two days . You have to tell Alice and don 't hurt her . " He left after promising to be ready by the time we left out . I took off my clothes and changed into a pair of sweat pants . Then , I went to the state of the art gym and started exercising . I was still pretty weak , but my rage would give me all the strength I needed . I pushed my body , working it until I couldn 't move . Jasper and Jake came to join me . We pounded the shit out of several punching bags . The room was filled with the scent of male sweat . When I pictured James ' ugly face , I broke my fucking bag . For the next two days , I fenced , practiced shooting my SIG , and worked out . My whole mind and body were focused on getting revenge for my babydoll . I kept her lock of hair on me at all times . Marcus got word that it was okay for the rest of my family to return to Seattle . He sent Di to stay with mom and Carlisle until the War blew over . She didn 't want to go , but Marcus gave her no choice . Caius made sure Dr . A . and her little girl , Penny , had plenty of bodyguards and put them on the plane too . Alice had to be drugged , because she refused to leave her Jazzy . He carried her small limp body onto the private plane . Mom and Di cried enough to fill up the Pacific . Dad promised that he would take care of them both . Emmett , Rosalie , and their boys all gave me a hug before boarding the plane . Once I got word that my Family had landed and were safe in their homes , I arranged for my departure . I was going on a fucking kamikaze mission . I didn 't plan on coming back from this shit . That was fine with me . Since Jane didn 't have any family , I arranged for Jessica to get her stuff . I made sure that she had enough money to take care of her for life . She 'd taken Jane 's death hard . She had loved her more than I thought . Jess agreed to stay on as the lead stripper at HADES . I had Jenks draw up my will . The club was to go to Jasper . I knew that he 'd run it well . There was also money for Demetri , should he live , Felix , and Kate . My babydoll had loved them and considered them our friends . She would have wanted me to take care of them . Marcus and I were gathering Intel on our enemies when I got a call from Kate . She sounded tired and worried . I could hear Garrett speaking calming words in the background . I rubbed my forehead as I listened . " Hello , Edward . I 'm sorry we missed Bella 's … . wake , but we were in Alaska with Tanya . Did you get the flowers we sent ? " Kate whimpered . " I miss her so much … " I gave her a minute to calm down . " I 'm just calling to let you know that … Tanya has passed . She suffered an aneurism while giving birth . It 's … it 's the same thing that killed our mother . The baby is fine and perfectly healthy . It 's a girl . Garrett is with me . Can you get Jenks to draw up some adoption and wedding papers ? We want to take her home with us . " " Yes . I 'll get Jenks on a private jet . He 'll be there personally to handle everything . He 'll pay for the funeral and everything else . I 'm sorry for your loss . You and Garrett are going to make wonderful parents . What did you name her ? " I heard Garrett cooing to the baby in the background . A white , hot pain shot through my chest . I would never get to do that for my baby . I couldn 't hold back the fucking sobs that escaped from my mouth . I smiled . " Sasha . That 's very pretty . You do know that she is James ' half sister . That puts her life in danger . I already took precautions for her safety . You guys will be heavily guarded . Please stay in Alaska at the compound until it is safe for you to leave . " " Hi , Edward . I never thought I 'd hear your voice again . I can 't believe I 'm … I 'm a father . Our daughter is beautiful . I don 't mean to make you feel bad , but I need to brag to someone . " I wiped the tears from my eyes . " Don 't … don 't feel bad . I 'm glad some good came from all this bullshit . Kiss your baby girl on the cheek for me . Make sure that she and Kate stay safe . My Family is at your disposal . Good luck , Garrett . " He sighed . " You 're planning on getting yourself killed , aren 't you ? I expected it , but I wish you 'd reconsider . You 've always been a good friend to me , Cullen . Good luck to you too . " I hung up after giving Garrett some information . Then , I poured myself a shot of Stoli in remembrance of Tanya . In the end , we hated each other 's fucking guts , but we 'd shared a few good times . When that was done , I went to make sure that Jacob and Jasper were ready . Jasper had cut off his blonde curls . He had a crop similar to Jacob . I was going to shave my hair too , but Bella had loved it so much . I couldn 't bring myself to cut it off . I did let Marcus 's barber trim it , though . We boarded my private jet at midnight . There was a full moon out and the air was still slightly chilly . I pulled my trench coat tightly to my body was I took my seat . No words were spoken during the flight . We all knew that our mission was important . There would be no peace for anyone as long as this War raged . The plane landed in Paris the next day . It was early morning . A fleet of big fucking SUV 's was there to meet us . I made sure that my gun was loaded and that my knife was in my scabbard . Our first stop was a café in the North . I slipped out of the car and gave the men instructions . The café was just a front . The basement was a brothel . Laurent 's men and some of his family were inside . Jasper , Jacob , and I slipped into the café and ordered everyone out . My godfathers had already paid off the police . Most of Europe 's cops were as , if not more , corrupt than the ones in America . They got paid even less and didn 't even get guns , so they were always willing to do a favor , especially if that favor got some scum off of their streets . Once again , my group had the element of surprise . The Madame of the brothel was an old friend of Caius ' . She had offered a freebie night to lure the French Mobsters to the café . The girls were being brought up the stairs as we were going down . They kept their eyes on the floor as they exited . The ambush was almost too easy . Most of the fat motherfuckers were sleeping . The Madame didn 't allow weapons in her rooms , so they didn 't have defenses . I slaughtered one ugly motherfucker , who I knew to be Laurent 's cousin , as he tried to pull up his pants . I went from room to room , slaughtering the men responsible for my babydoll 's death . I used my sword to cut throats and castrate motherfuckers who dared to fucking breathe the same air as me . The walls and carpet were coated with blood . Men screamed and fought , but we were the angels of death . Jasper and I shared a smile as we finished off one of James ' personal henchman . I cut his cock off and stuffed it up his ass when I was finished . After an hour , there were only me and my men left . I had been worried about Jacob , but he handled himself like a motherfucking pro . He was so big that just his size terrified guys enough to give up . By the time we left the café , the sun had gone down . My head bodyguard called for the cleaners to come dispose of the shitheads below . The whores probably wouldn 't be able to work for a week , so I made sure that their wages were covered . I owned a mansion on the Rue Mouffetard . It was guarded like the fucking Pentagon . We stopped there to eat and change . My clothes were covered with blood . I sent one of my fucking minions out to dry clean my trench coat while I showered . After that , I ate and thought of Bella . I 'd planned to bring her to Paris and stay at this house , but I never got the fucking chance . That thought made me angrier . There was so much that we never got to experience together . The Volturi made sure that all of James ' allies received word of the massacre . Those motherfuckers started going into hiding like a bunch of fucking rats . We exterminated all of them that were left in Paris . I killed so many men that my vision became tinged with red . I cut off cocks , arms , legs , tongues , and any other part that I could get to . There wasn 't enough blood on the fucking Earth to satiate me . I felt like a fucking vampire . If the motherfuckers I was killing weren 't so lowly , I would have drunk their fucking blood . Three days later , we left Paris . I read Dante 's , " Inferno " on the plane . It was the book that Felix had given Bella for her birthday . She 'd read it a lot and even underlined some key phrases . One of my favorite lines was , " I come into a region where is nothing that can give light " That was the way I 'd felt since embarking on my suicide mission . All my light died with my babydoll . I would be in the dark until I was in the otherworld with her and our son . I just hoped that my soul wasn 't cursed to Hell for my deeds . Our next stop was Barcelona , Spain . There was a Family , the Munoz 's , that had provided the bombs that were used to take down the house in Chicago . The head , Carlos , was an old enemy of my father . I planned to torture his ass . We used their method against them . A bomb was planted outside of the gates and set to go off before we entered . Carlos ' daughters were all grown and didn 't live at home . He enjoyed fucking whores . Everything went according to plan . They were having a meeting when we burst through the door . One of his guards shot at me . All my men had on bullet proof vests , but that didn 't protect your head , so we needed to be careful . Jasper aimed and took that motherfucker out for me . I 'd requested that my men leave Carlos for me . We went through the house , spilling blood in our wake . I castrated every cocky motherfucker that I could get my fucking hands on . My katana proved to be the perfect weapon for cutting motherfuckers to pieces . Bella had chosen well . Carlos was hiding in the closet when I found him . He begged me to spare his life as he kissed the crucifix around his neck . I ripped it away from him and kicked him in the head . I ended up cutting off all his fingers and toes before I castrated him . He was already dead by the time I used my SIG to put a hole in his head . We left Spain a few hours later . Marcus called to tell me that my Family and Liam 's had taken down a large part of James ' supporters in the States . Our Intel suggested that he was hiding out in a remote part of Russia . No one knew exactly where the motherfucker was , but I was going to find his ass . He would die by my hand . Then , I 'd take my own life . I had supporters and family in Athens , Greece , so we went there next to get some more men . The city was sweltering , but I kept on my trench coat . I planned to be buried in it . Jasper and Jacob needed a fucking break , so I had them taken to one of my Family 's hotels . Caius sent my Phantom for me to use while I was in Greece . I hadn 't driven since Bella died . The car still smelled like her . I remembered the first night that we 'd had sex in the backseat . After that , I broke down . I sat in back and cried for an hour . My babydoll 's presence was in every fiber of the Phantom . It was as much hers as mine . I tried to pull myself together as I drove through the streets of my father 's homeland . I was pulling up to one of our houses when gunfire began . Since the Phantom was bulletproof , I drove it into the fray . Bullets rained down from every direction . There were so many men that resembled each other . I could barely tell the good guys from the bad . When I saw one of the men that I knew sold weapons for James , I hopped out of my car and began firing . I killed three motherfuckers before I got to him . When he turned around , I raised my sword and slit his fucking throat . He slid down to the ground in a pool of blood . I stopped to spit on him . I was cleaning his filth off my katana , when I heard a familiar voice . I looked up to see Felix standing a few yards in front of me . He smiled and took out a motherfucker that was running towards me . Before I could aim my gun again , I felt a sharp pain go through my chest . I had been shot . I looked down and saw that I was bleeding . It was too fucking soon . I wasn 't ready to die yet . I still had to fuck up James . Life never went the way it was supposed to . There were motherfucking surprises at every corner . As I fell to the ground , I saw my babydoll reflected in my pool of blood . She was smiling happily and holding out her hand for me . I smiled and asked God for forgiveness . If I was going to die , I was going to go to Heaven with my angel . I looked down at my Tungsten ring from Bella . It was indestructible , just like our love . The last words I whispered before the darkness took my soul were , " I 'm coming to join you , babydoll . Meglio tardi che mai . " JennJanuary 13 , 2011 at 2 : 05 PMOnce again you had me bawling like a baby . I knew Edward would end up slaughtering everyone responsible for Bella 's " death " . The sword was awesome . The picture in my head of Edward slicing everyone up is greatness . Edward can 't die because he needs to find his babydoll alive and well and still very pregnant . ReplyDeletekenzersmomFebruary 4 , 2011 at 9 : 14 PMokay you just want to take my heart out and step on it and just kill me . . . now they both are dead NOT can 't be . wow jake turning bad jas over the top drama ! ! ! : O ( where is bella you are going to pull her out of your hat aren 't you please get james i don 't know if i can take much more of this ! ! ! ReplyDeletecherryhilzDecember 16 , 2011 at 1 : 18 PM * sob * You are killing me . . . I have no clue what 's coming up . . . . ReplyDeleteMary SmithSeptember 18 , 2013 at 10 : 15 AMOk , who shot Edward , and is Jasper gonna kill the motherfucker who did it ? Bella 's GOTTA be live . Has . To . Be . ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . .

Summer time is the worst for me . I like the cold of winter . I like sitting on the couch with a blanket wrapped around me and a warm cup of hot chocolate in my hands . I love the smell of snow . I love the way it covers the world and makes it feel like a completely different place . I love the way it feels when the soft flakes land and melt on my face . I like to hear the crunch of hard packed snow under my feet . So as I sat on the sofa with the windows open and multiple fans strategically placed throughout the house blowing as hard as their hardware would allow , I tried to think of that beautiful time of year . A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts . I stood and put on shorts and a tank top before answering . " Look what I have ! " My over - zealous friend Katie said , displaying the wooden board dramatically in front of her . I turned and sat back down on the sofa . She shut the door behind her and sat on the floor in front of me . " Come on . It 'll be fun ! I found it at a yard sale . They only wanted a quarter for it ! Can you believe that ? It 's in such good condition . It 's practically brand new ! " I slowly rolled off the couch and onto the floor across from her . I had never used an Ouija board before and honestly didn 't know much about them except that they were used to speak to spirits . " Because my mom would never let me have one as a kid . She called them ' the devil 's tool " and wouldn 't allow one in her house . " " And if I say the same thing ? " " Why are you acting so blah ? " She asked with slumped shoulders . She really was the yin to my yang ; always bubbly , never a care in the world , excited about everything . " Summer just started , I haven 't had a chance to lay out yet . Now are we going to do this or what ? " I shrugged again . " Sure . " She clapped with excitement and set the board down with its planchette on top . She put her fingers on top on used her head to motion for me to do the same . I complied . " Why don 't we start with the basics ? Is there a spirit in this room ? " We sat quietly ; our fingers resting gently on the heart shaped piece of wood . " Please , if there is anyone here , let us know . " Katie was looking up into the air , waiting expectantly . The planchette did not move . " Your apartment is old . There has to be something living here . " " I think if a spirit were around , it wouldn 't care what time of day it is or what lights are on . " She shrugged . It was like all the energy had been sapped from her . I reached over the arm of the couch and into a book caddy . I handed her a book . " How to enjoy the here and now : a guide to self - love and acceptance of the present . " She looked over at me incredulously after reading the title aloud . " You know , because you 're searching for what 's in the past . " I laughed when she threw the book back at me . " I thoroughly enjoy the present ! " She grabbed the remote from the side table . " Although I may change my mind if I keep hanging out with you . " She turned the TV on and found a show for us to watch . While the people talked and the " studio audience " laughed at just the right moments ( and Katie along with them ) , I grabbed my phone and did some research on this Ouija board . " No it won 't . " Tears were streaming down Luciana 's face . " I was just fired for being late too often . My boyfriend is the reason I was late and now he 's left me , rent is due in two weeks , I have barely enough money for food , let alone gas to drive around trying to find a job . " I felt bad for her , but she had honestly put herself in this situation . " I told you ! " She said blowing her nose . " He wouldn 't let me get into the bathroom while he was getting ready so I 'd have to wait until he got done and by then I 'd be running behind . " She could have just woken up earlier , but I didn 't think saying that would help matters right now . I was about to console her again when the car jerked to the side and a thumping noise sounded from toward the back . Lucy slowed the car down and pulled off to the side . " Great now I have a flat . " She dropped her head against the steering wheel as her shoulders slumped forward . She was making it seem like this was the end of the world . " Do you have a spare ? " Her ponytail bobbed as she shrugged , then nodded . I got out of the car and looked around . There were cornfields on both sides of the road for as far as I could see . This actually was a bad time to get a flat tire . We hadn 't seen a car in a solid 20 minutes and I still saw none in sight . I checked my cell and found next to no service . I tried to call my insurance company to see if they could send someone , but the signal was so bad that the agent couldn 't verify who I was or what I needed . I hung up after trying to explain it a fourth time . I looked up and down the road again , still no sign of a car . " Mine fell in the toilet when I went into the bathroom to cry after they fired me and doesn 't work anymore . I haven 't had a chance to buy a new one . " She sighed . " Or the money . " " You didn 't think it might be important to tell me that before the 17 hour trip back home ? " Now I was pissed . Not only was she acting like a dramatic 15 year old instead of the 39 year old that she was , but she was now leaving out vital information . " Why in the hell wouldn 't you mention you don 't have a phone ? I could have bought one of those pay as you go phones to make sure we have a backup . " She scowled at me . " I 'm sorry , I 've just been a bit preoccupied with things I thought were more important than my cell phone . " She rolled the window back up and turned her head . She wasn 't even going to attempt to help me . I walked a bit back the way we had come hoping to get better signal . It got worse , dropping out completely . I walked back toward the car , passed it , and continued walking , hoping I would have better luck in that direction . None . I got back to the car and looked to see if enough time had gone by that another car would be coming . Again , no such luck . I finally realized I was going to have to do something I hadn 't done since I was 16 . It struck me like a smack in the face . That was over 20 years ago . I leaned against the back of the car and tried one more time to get with my insurance company 's roadside assistance . Again I had to hang up because we just couldn 't hear each other clear enough . I put my phone in my pocket , said a little prayer of thanks for sunshine and a cool breeze , then yelled for Lucy to pop the trunk . This is to serve as my formal resignation . I am quitting effective immediately . I will not even try to keep this professional . I am fed up . I 've had enough . You and me work well together , I get that . But you 're not healthy for me . You delay things that need to be done sooner rather than later . You interfere with my daily life and even cause me to be late going into work . You 've turned my house into a mess . Because of you , dishes are piled on the sink . The living room is cluttered with papers , tools , and other things that should have found a home months ago . Because of our work together , I have a box of papers from the last 2 years that have not been sorted and filed properly . Procrastination , we just can 't keep working together . It 's impossible for me to get anything done while we work together . I push things off until I forget about them altogether . I 'm tired of feeling guilty because I have pushed off writing my book . I hate the rush of trying to figure out a good birthday plan for my husband because of our work together . The Stranger You 're walking home from work one night and taking shortcuts through a labyrinth of dark city alleyways to meet someone on time . Suddenly , a stranger parts the shadows in front of you , comes close and asks you to hold out your palm . You oblige . Thoughts about these prompts : WTF ? Why am I this just all trusting person who puts faith in others . Why am I eating mysterious cookies ? Why am I following mysterious instructions that lead me until a cave ? And now I 'm accepting something from a stranger in an alley ? These prompts presume I 'm a trusting person … I 'm not . Sorry , just needed to get that out there … On to writing ! I looked down at my watch for maybe the tenth time in the last two minutes . I was making decent time , but was still nervous about being late for this dinner . I had only fifteen minutes to get to the home . Taking a cab on a Friday night at 5 : 00 would take too long , but now I was wondering if walking was a mistake too . I had to make it from Lower Manhattan to my apartment in Midtown by 6 : 00 and then back out to meet my mom for her birthday dinner by 6 : 30 . I had been held late at work . I was almost to the midway point and it was already 5 : 41 . I had been trying to make it there with some time to spare to freshen up . As I tried to muscle through the bodies on the sidewalk , I decided this was going to take too long . I turned down an alley . I knew this city as well as I knew my mom 's face . I had grown up here and , although I had been yelled at many times for it , I tended to wander as a child . Much more so as a teen . I weaved through the different alleys , working my way home bit by bit . I looked down at my watch again , 5 : 47 . I should be able to make it home in less than thirteen minutes . I looked back up to find a man standing about twenty feet in front of me . The sun was fading fast and the alley was not well lit . He wore a hoodie that kept his face in shadow and stood with his hands clasped behind his back . I stopped walking . He stepped closer . The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as my stomach tightened and twisted . " Look , I don 't want any trouble . If you want my wallet , here it is . " I held it out to him but he shook his head . " Please . I 'm on my way to take my mom out to dinner for her birthday . I don 't have anything of value , but the items in my wallet . " He took one more step putting less than two feet between us . My heart beat hard in my chest and I was finding it hard to breathe . Why wouldn 't he just take my things ? " Hold out your hand . " I decided if this would help get it done and over with , I 'd do it . I slowly , reluctantly stretched my hand out . In a flash he had a cuff locked around my wrist . " What - " He whirled my body around and my purse went flying . As he grabbed my other arm I lost grip on my phone and it too fell to the ground . Before I fully knew what was happening , he had my arms handcuffed behind my back and was dragging me back toward the dumster he had stepped out from behind . I tried to yell , but as soon as the first sound came out fuzz filled my mouth . His gloved hand squeezed tight . It was massive , almost covering my entire face . I couldn 't breathe now . His hand was covering my nose as well . I started panicing . I squirmed and kicked . I even tried headbutting him , but didn 't know how to do it and missed . Once behind the dumpster , he turned me around and punched me hard in the face . I blacked out . When I woke back up , my arms were in immense pain and my wrist were burning . I was laying on my back which meant I was laying on my handcuffed wrists . He was on top of me . I could feel the cool air on my bare legs . My left eye felt hot and swollen . My head was pounding and seemed to be thumping with every stroke . I looked him in the eyes hoping to make him feel guilty , but that seemed to please him more . The hood had fallen off and I could see a wide smile start to spread across his lips and he made a gasping noise as he finished . I felt dirty and ashamed even though I had done nothing wrong . I wanted to disappear and never be seen by the world again . I wasn 't a virgin , but this made me feel like I was now worthless and that no man , even my current boyfriend , would ever want me now that I was spoiled . I didn 't think I would ever want any man again either . Aren 't they all like this dog in some way ? Would anyone understand that I hadn 't even been able to say no ? Wasn 't that the thing ? You had to say no for it to be considered rape ? Would this make sense to anyone else ? Would anyone believe me ? He sat back on his legs and buttoned his pants . Silent tears were sliding down my cheeks and making my ears itch . My arms had gone numb . My insides felt raw , burned . I pulled my knees together , trying to hide the mess below . He took a deep breath . " Thank you . " He said in the quiet voice . He stood , not attempting to cover me . I thought he might just leave me there , but he was somewhat merciful . He pulled a gun from his jacket pocket and my world went black . Dollar Message You 're at your favorite department store buying a birthday present for a friend . As the cashier gives you change , you notice a message with specific instructions scribbled on one of the bills . What do the instructions say ? Do you carry them out and , if so , how ? I stood outside the door reading the instructions carefully one more time . They were obviously from someone in this area , but why put these instructions on a dollar bill ? I had just finished shopping and was getting ready to head home , but when the cashier handed me my change , this caught my eye and I was now rethinking my afternoon . The instructions were written in tiny scroll and covered almost the entire bill , front and back . I walked to my car and put my items in the back . I sat in the driver 's seat and stared at the bill . I could go and see what this view was about . Or I could go and get myself murdered . I felt my bodyguard . 380 pressing against my side and decided to take a chance . I didn 't have anything better to do anyway . I parked where I was supposed to park . The lot was empty besides my car . This was not in a well known area of the park . I felt a tingle of doubt creep down my spine . I suspected it received few visitors . Every other parking lot I had passed was full . It was 75 ° and sunny out on a Saturday , for this area it was heaven . This particular lot was about a mile from the main part of the park and even the driveway getting to the lot was longer than the others . I flipped the safety off on my conceal carry weapon and started down the path . It was almost exactly 300 yards to the boulder . I carefully made my way down the hill , slipping a few times , but ultimately making it safely down . There was no path at bottom . It was level ground , but not an actual path . I could hear that the river was close , maybe only 100 feet through the trees in front of me . I started walking in the direction the bill advised . I could hear so many beautiful sounds . There were bird calls I had never heard . Even the sounds the bugs made seemed to add a little sweetness to the chorus . There was a mild breeze that rustled the leaves as fallen branches cracked under my feet . I could see the cave coming up through the mist of water . The rock above jutted out and a stream poured over the edges . I stood in front of the mist for a moment deciding if I should walk through . I had come this far , why not ? I jumped through quickly , managing to stay mostly dry . Now came the really hard decision ; walk into what was surely a trap to rape and kill me or turn back and save myself . Step # 14 kept coming to the front of my mind . Enjoy the view . I was in a park , maybe these caves led to a look out point . I took the cave on the right . I continued through the tunnel of rock and earth . Sometimes it felt like I was walking down , other times up , I wasn 't really sure where I stood in terms of " feet above sea level " . After about 10 minutes of walking , the path began to tighten . My claustrophobia began to kick in as the walls narrowed and I had to turn to walk sideways . Thankfully that only lasted a few minutes before I came out on the other side and into the cavern . I stumbled out of the opening and took a deep breath . When I looked up that breath caught in my throat . On the far side of the cavern was a trickling waterfall that flowed into a pool on the cavern floor . The water was clear and blue . The size of the cavern and the pretty water were not the things that took my breath away . What took my breath away were the intricate paintings that covered the cavern walls in their entirety . It appeared that not an inch of rock had been left unpainted . The scenes depicted , while varied , were each detailed and precise . It could be seen that whoever created them had taken care with each brush stroke . I put the bill back into circulation that day . I wanted so badly to tell my friends , to take them there . I also wanted to respect the artist 's simple wishes though . They wanted people to search for the unknown and find something beautiful and wondrous . I 've been going there at least once a month . I pack a bag of food and sit in the cavern and think or read or write or brainstorm for work . It 's a haven in a crazy world . In the 5 years that I 've been going , I 've only ran into two people , neither of which claimed to be the artist . PHILADELPHIA - Charlie Kelly , 42 , passed away Saturday after huffing what doctors are calling " an impossible amount of glue " and eating more than 10 pounds of spaghetti mixed with cat food . Born on February 9 , 1976 to Bonnie Kelly and Frank Reynolds ( alleged father ) , Charlie lived a fast - paced and sometimes wreckless lifestyle which he loved . Charlie was passionate about his screenplay " The Nightman Cometh " which he wrote and directed despite illiteracy . He was inventive in his cooking style and enjoyed many types of cheeses . He was unashamed of his persistent attempts to date The Waitress even after multiple restraining orders were issued . Although he sold his shares to the other partners , he continued to care for Paddy 's Pub which is expected to close in the next month as their health inspection is nearing . A music prodigy , Charlie could play piano , harmonica , saxophone and bugle . He was also the inventor of Kitten Mittens which we all love and use regularly . Full Disclosure They toured the house with the real estate agent . " We love it , " he said . " Is there anything we should know about the house 's past ? " The agent looked down . They toured the house with the real estate agent . " We love it , " he said . " Is there anything we should know about the house 's past ? " The agent looked down . It was a colonial so the young couple had guessed that there would be something wrong with it . " Well … " The agent hesitated as he looked at the couple who waited expectantly . " Just some mold that was cleaned out . A few of the floors needed redone , that 's all . " He said in a rushed voice and ended with a smile . The couple looked at each other , then back at the agent . " OK , well let 's go look at the damage . " The agent slowly led them toward the basement door . He reiterated all the good qualities of the home as they made their way through the house . The couple was moving across the country and were trying to find a place to raise their soon - to - be family . This home seemed perfect with the three bedrooms upstairs as well as a master bedroom with its own master bath . The ground floor had an open floor plan that made the house feel bigger than it was . It also had a surprising number of large windows that let in the summer sun . " I mean you just can 't beat natural , original , wood floors in this condition . " The agent was saying as he stopped in front of a door . The couple smiled and nodded . The husband reached for the door handle and the agent put out his hand . " Please remember that this is an old house and , like I said , the mold damage was extensive in the basement . They had to gut most of it and what 's left isn 't very pretty . " " Yes , we 'll keep it in mind . " The husband said as he grasped the door handle . When he opened the door , a musky smell floated up from the dark steps . The husband flipped on the light and began to descend the stairs . The wife followed . The agent did not . The wife turned around when she realized he wasn 't coming . " The ceilings are quite low in there and I 'm very claustrophobic . I 'll wait here for you . " The wife eyed him suspiciously , but continued on . The musty smell grew the further down they went . The floors were a mixture of dirt and concrete . The ceilings were so low the couple had to bend forward to walk through . Steel weight - bearing rods stood in strategic places around the open basement . The concrete bricks that had once made up the walls were gone and it was only dirt that could cave in at any minute . The basement looked like it continued past the edge of the house . " Yeah , it looks like someone dug through the wall . " The husband pulled out his phone to use as a flashlight and began walking toward it . The wife pulled out her phone as well , but to Google the house instead . " There 's a hole over here . " The husband said from across the room . " It 's at least eight feet deep . What could they have possibly been doing ? " " Well that 's the obvious guess . " He chuckled . " Maybe there was a sump pump that went bad . Or maybe their septic tank was here before the new regulations would have forced them to put a new one in outside . " " No . They hid dead bodies . " The wife said again . " Police responded to a call on the 100 - block of Havana Avenue today . The complaint was that there was a fowl smell coming from the home of Monica Fuller , 27 . It has since been discovered that the house contains a hidden mass burial site behind the concrete walls of the basement . The smell of rotting bodies began to surface in the heat of summer . The number of bodies and any details related have yet to be released . " The husband began walking toward the wife . " Today police have released more information on the Monica Fuller burial home . Fifteen child and four adult bodies have been uncovered so far as they continue to break down the walls of the home 's basement . The names of the victims have not been released , but Monica Fuller is in police custody . " Back From the Future A knock at the door catches you off guard . Upon answering it , you 're greeted by a man who says he 's from the future - and he can prove it . More important , he says he has information that will save your life . Disclaimer : This may not be one of my best . I 'll be honest that I 'm not a real fan of this prompt and to add to it , I 'm very tired . I 've had an emotionally trying day and am not feeling very creative tonight . Here 's to hoping it turns out better than I expect ! I lurched upright and shook my head , trying to clear the fog of sleep . The knock came again , confirming I wasn 't dreaming . I flipped the cover back and wiped my eyes as a yawn slipped out . I grabbed the shorts next to my bed and pulled them on as another knock pounded in my door . " I 'm coming . I 'm coming . " I said through another yawn . I snatched the robe from the hook on the door and wrapped it around me . I was two feet from the door when the knock came again . I looked through the peephole . " Who is it ? " I didn 't recognize the man . He was tall and soaked in rain water , but had no other defining features . His face was regular , the kind you would see in a supermarket and swear you knew , but that was just because it was covered in common features . " I don 't know an Andre . " I responded now annoyed because he probably just had the wrong apartment . " Not yet , but you will . I 'm from the future and have some information you may find useful . " And now I thought of him as a drunk or maybe he was one of the stoners from down the hall . " Isabelle Hill . " I stopped and turned around . " You grew up in this town . Your mom died two years ago and your father lives eight blocks over , but will move to a neighboring town because he can 't stand living in the house your mom loved . You are dating Josh Macklyn and are thinking about moving in with him , but haven 't told him that yet because you have to decide if that 's the right move for you . " I leaned my head against the door . " How do you know all that ? How do you know about Josh ? " I had been very careful not to mention moving in with him to anyone . I still wasn 't sure I wanted to . " Why should I believe you ? " I watched him go into his pocket and pulled out an envelope . I watched him carefully open it and pull out a photo . He held it in front of the peephole and I studied it as best I could through the fisheye lens . It was Josh and me , but we looked older . My hair was cut in a way I had never cut it before , it was also a different color , but the face was definitely mine . " You gave it to me . You asked me to do this should things go wrong . You seemed to know something was coming . You knew the work I was doing and asked me to stop you . " " Moving in with Josh . " I stood silent for a few seconds , thinking about what he was saying . I looked at the picture again , but his arm must have been tired because he dropped it and moved closer to the door . " Look , can I just come in and talk ? " I stayed quiet thinking . " You said that if you didn 't believe me to say ' Remember to never give up hope " . I don 't know what it means , but you said it would change your mind . " It did change my mind . I swung the door open . " If you are from the future , and that 's a big if , why are you now coming to tell me this stuff ? " He asked if we could sit down . I shrugged and motioned to the couch . " If you died . Josh gets involved in some shady business with some dangerous people . You get pulled into it . You try to leave several times , but he always guilts you into coming back . " He reached back into the envelope and pulled out a few more photos . The woman 's body was twisted and bloody . She had stab wounds on her chest and the side of her neck . She was in what looked like night clothes . Her hands were covered in cuts as if she was trying to defend herself . Her eye was bruised and bulging . " No . I don 't believe you . You need to leave . " I stood and pointed at the door . " You need to leave now . " He nodded and got up without any further argument . As I was closing the door he stopped me . " Just … " He dropped his head and rubbed his forehead . " Just please don 't move in with Josh . That 's all I 'm asking . Don 't move in . " " Thanks for the advice . " I said and pushed the door shut on him . I watched through the peephole as he went down the steps and disappeared . I 'm screaming and and trying to run to the kitchen . He grabs my hair and pulls my head back before shoving it into the nearest wall . I feel a hard impact in between my shoulders blades and think he 's punched me , but then I feel something warm sliding down my back . I make it to the kitchen and just as I 'm reaching for the knife block I feel another blow against my back . He grabs my arm and twists me around . It 's not until I see the glint of steel moving through the air that I realize he 's been stabbing me . I throw my hands in front of me and feel the steel slice through my skin . I keep trying to grab the knife , but he 's too quick . I feel the pressure against my chest and the pain starts to take my breath away . I start feeling weak as he stabs my chest repeatedly . I feel the pressure in my neck and my world fades to black . " Well Vicki , have the lambs stopped screaming ? " I knew those words from somewhere , but where ? The graffiti was the most vulgar thing I 'd ever seen . It covered the side of an orphanage . It was the side that looked out over the small , fenced - in yard next to the building . The building itself was a white block with few windows . There was one door that led into the play yard and one that led into the street . The other two sides were butted against other buildings and even the yard was surrounded by buildings on three sides . How had no one seen the artist and caught him ? Downtown was busy enough during the day , surely there were people walking at night as well . Painted against the white wall was a black and red monstrosity of a woman sprawled out on a bed . Her red underwear were twisted around her ankles . There was blood trailing down her legs from the thick black fuzz of her groin . Her arms were spread to each side and blood flowed from her wrists onto the bed . Her breasts had red slash marks ripping flesh away from itself . There was a thick red gash from one side of her neck to the other with the red flowing down her shoulders and chest . Her head lulled to the side in an unnatural way , neck pulling away from neck at the gash . Her eyes were rolled so far you almost couldn 't see the iris . They cried tears of red . Her hair lay sloppily above her head with flecks of red spattered throughout . The words were written across the top in rough , jagged letters . What was worse then the imagery was that I knew this woman . Vicki worked in the cube next to me . We talked every day and even went to lunch together from time to time . Whoever painted this new her well enough to get every detail right , down to the birthmark on her thigh that she hated . I picked up my phone and dialed her number . It rang . And rang . And rang . Until finally her voice came on asking for a message . " Vicki , it 's Anita . I 'm looking at a really fucked up painting . Call me as soon as you get this . " I hung up and tapped the phone against my leg while looking at the painting . I paused for a moment and then turned to look at each building . I couldn 't see anything that resembled a security camera on a single one of them . I tried Vicki again . Still no answer . That didn 't mean she was dead , it just meant that she was busy . It was still early in the morning , maybe she was sleeping . I couldn 't stand around and do nothing . I knocked on the door of the orphanage . After a few more aggressive knocks a woman in her 60 's answered . " Well when the police arrive you can tell them . " Before I could say anything else she shut the door on me . I tried calling Vicki again and I got her voicemail , again . Where did I know that line from ? I went back to stare at the graffiti . I stared hard at the words . It wasn 't until I saw the butterfly as the dot of the question mark that I knew what it was from . It was the only thing of a different color . It was dark yellow with negative space for the white skull - like design on its back . I shuttered as I realized what movie the line came from and then tried Vicki again .

Summer time is the worst for me . I like the cold of winter . I like sitting on the couch with a blanket wrapped around me and a warm cup of hot chocolate in my hands . I love the smell of snow . I love the way it covers the world and makes it feel like a completely different place . I love the way it feels when the soft flakes land and melt on my face . I like to hear the crunch of hard packed snow under my feet . So as I sat on the sofa with the windows open and multiple fans strategically placed throughout the house blowing as hard as their hardware would allow , I tried to think of that beautiful time of year . A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts . I stood and put on shorts and a tank top before answering . " Look what I have ! " My over - zealous friend Katie said , displaying the wooden board dramatically in front of her . I turned and sat back down on the sofa . She shut the door behind her and sat on the floor in front of me . " Come on . It 'll be fun ! I found it at a yard sale . They only wanted a quarter for it ! Can you believe that ? It 's in such good condition . It 's practically brand new ! " I slowly rolled off the couch and onto the floor across from her . I had never used an Ouija board before and honestly didn 't know much about them except that they were used to speak to spirits . " Because my mom would never let me have one as a kid . She called them ' the devil 's tool " and wouldn 't allow one in her house . " " And if I say the same thing ? " " Why are you acting so blah ? " She asked with slumped shoulders . She really was the yin to my yang ; always bubbly , never a care in the world , excited about everything . " Summer just started , I haven 't had a chance to lay out yet . Now are we going to do this or what ? " I shrugged again . " Sure . " She clapped with excitement and set the board down with its planchette on top . She put her fingers on top on used her head to motion for me to do the same . I complied . " Why don 't we start with the basics ? Is there a spirit in this room ? " We sat quietly ; our fingers resting gently on the heart shaped piece of wood . " Please , if there is anyone here , let us know . " Katie was looking up into the air , waiting expectantly . The planchette did not move . " Your apartment is old . There has to be something living here . " " I think if a spirit were around , it wouldn 't care what time of day it is or what lights are on . " She shrugged . It was like all the energy had been sapped from her . I reached over the arm of the couch and into a book caddy . I handed her a book . " How to enjoy the here and now : a guide to self - love and acceptance of the present . " She looked over at me incredulously after reading the title aloud . " You know , because you 're searching for what 's in the past . " I laughed when she threw the book back at me . " I thoroughly enjoy the present ! " She grabbed the remote from the side table . " Although I may change my mind if I keep hanging out with you . " She turned the TV on and found a show for us to watch . While the people talked and the " studio audience " laughed at just the right moments ( and Katie along with them ) , I grabbed my phone and did some research on this Ouija board . " No it won 't . " Tears were streaming down Luciana 's face . " I was just fired for being late too often . My boyfriend is the reason I was late and now he 's left me , rent is due in two weeks , I have barely enough money for food , let alone gas to drive around trying to find a job . " I felt bad for her , but she had honestly put herself in this situation . " I told you ! " She said blowing her nose . " He wouldn 't let me get into the bathroom while he was getting ready so I 'd have to wait until he got done and by then I 'd be running behind . " She could have just woken up earlier , but I didn 't think saying that would help matters right now . I was about to console her again when the car jerked to the side and a thumping noise sounded from toward the back . Lucy slowed the car down and pulled off to the side . " Great now I have a flat . " She dropped her head against the steering wheel as her shoulders slumped forward . She was making it seem like this was the end of the world . " Do you have a spare ? " Her ponytail bobbed as she shrugged , then nodded . I got out of the car and looked around . There were cornfields on both sides of the road for as far as I could see . This actually was a bad time to get a flat tire . We hadn 't seen a car in a solid 20 minutes and I still saw none in sight . I checked my cell and found next to no service . I tried to call my insurance company to see if they could send someone , but the signal was so bad that the agent couldn 't verify who I was or what I needed . I hung up after trying to explain it a fourth time . I looked up and down the road again , still no sign of a car . " Mine fell in the toilet when I went into the bathroom to cry after they fired me and doesn 't work anymore . I haven 't had a chance to buy a new one . " She sighed . " Or the money . " " You didn 't think it might be important to tell me that before the 17 hour trip back home ? " Now I was pissed . Not only was she acting like a dramatic 15 year old instead of the 39 year old that she was , but she was now leaving out vital information . " Why in the hell wouldn 't you mention you don 't have a phone ? I could have bought one of those pay as you go phones to make sure we have a backup . " She scowled at me . " I 'm sorry , I 've just been a bit preoccupied with things I thought were more important than my cell phone . " She rolled the window back up and turned her head . She wasn 't even going to attempt to help me . I walked a bit back the way we had come hoping to get better signal . It got worse , dropping out completely . I walked back toward the car , passed it , and continued walking , hoping I would have better luck in that direction . None . I got back to the car and looked to see if enough time had gone by that another car would be coming . Again , no such luck . I finally realized I was going to have to do something I hadn 't done since I was 16 . It struck me like a smack in the face . That was over 20 years ago . I leaned against the back of the car and tried one more time to get with my insurance company 's roadside assistance . Again I had to hang up because we just couldn 't hear each other clear enough . I put my phone in my pocket , said a little prayer of thanks for sunshine and a cool breeze , then yelled for Lucy to pop the trunk . This is to serve as my formal resignation . I am quitting effective immediately . I will not even try to keep this professional . I am fed up . I 've had enough . You and me work well together , I get that . But you 're not healthy for me . You delay things that need to be done sooner rather than later . You interfere with my daily life and even cause me to be late going into work . You 've turned my house into a mess . Because of you , dishes are piled on the sink . The living room is cluttered with papers , tools , and other things that should have found a home months ago . Because of our work together , I have a box of papers from the last 2 years that have not been sorted and filed properly . Procrastination , we just can 't keep working together . It 's impossible for me to get anything done while we work together . I push things off until I forget about them altogether . I 'm tired of feeling guilty because I have pushed off writing my book . I hate the rush of trying to figure out a good birthday plan for my husband because of our work together . The Stranger You 're walking home from work one night and taking shortcuts through a labyrinth of dark city alleyways to meet someone on time . Suddenly , a stranger parts the shadows in front of you , comes close and asks you to hold out your palm . You oblige . Thoughts about these prompts : WTF ? Why am I this just all trusting person who puts faith in others . Why am I eating mysterious cookies ? Why am I following mysterious instructions that lead me until a cave ? And now I 'm accepting something from a stranger in an alley ? These prompts presume I 'm a trusting person … I 'm not . Sorry , just needed to get that out there … On to writing ! I looked down at my watch for maybe the tenth time in the last two minutes . I was making decent time , but was still nervous about being late for this dinner . I had only fifteen minutes to get to the home . Taking a cab on a Friday night at 5 : 00 would take too long , but now I was wondering if walking was a mistake too . I had to make it from Lower Manhattan to my apartment in Midtown by 6 : 00 and then back out to meet my mom for her birthday dinner by 6 : 30 . I had been held late at work . I was almost to the midway point and it was already 5 : 41 . I had been trying to make it there with some time to spare to freshen up . As I tried to muscle through the bodies on the sidewalk , I decided this was going to take too long . I turned down an alley . I knew this city as well as I knew my mom 's face . I had grown up here and , although I had been yelled at many times for it , I tended to wander as a child . Much more so as a teen . I weaved through the different alleys , working my way home bit by bit . I looked down at my watch again , 5 : 47 . I should be able to make it home in less than thirteen minutes . I looked back up to find a man standing about twenty feet in front of me . The sun was fading fast and the alley was not well lit . He wore a hoodie that kept his face in shadow and stood with his hands clasped behind his back . I stopped walking . He stepped closer . The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as my stomach tightened and twisted . " Look , I don 't want any trouble . If you want my wallet , here it is . " I held it out to him but he shook his head . " Please . I 'm on my way to take my mom out to dinner for her birthday . I don 't have anything of value , but the items in my wallet . " He took one more step putting less than two feet between us . My heart beat hard in my chest and I was finding it hard to breathe . Why wouldn 't he just take my things ? " Hold out your hand . " I decided if this would help get it done and over with , I 'd do it . I slowly , reluctantly stretched my hand out . In a flash he had a cuff locked around my wrist . " What - " He whirled my body around and my purse went flying . As he grabbed my other arm I lost grip on my phone and it too fell to the ground . Before I fully knew what was happening , he had my arms handcuffed behind my back and was dragging me back toward the dumster he had stepped out from behind . I tried to yell , but as soon as the first sound came out fuzz filled my mouth . His gloved hand squeezed tight . It was massive , almost covering my entire face . I couldn 't breathe now . His hand was covering my nose as well . I started panicing . I squirmed and kicked . I even tried headbutting him , but didn 't know how to do it and missed . Once behind the dumpster , he turned me around and punched me hard in the face . I blacked out . When I woke back up , my arms were in immense pain and my wrist were burning . I was laying on my back which meant I was laying on my handcuffed wrists . He was on top of me . I could feel the cool air on my bare legs . My left eye felt hot and swollen . My head was pounding and seemed to be thumping with every stroke . I looked him in the eyes hoping to make him feel guilty , but that seemed to please him more . The hood had fallen off and I could see a wide smile start to spread across his lips and he made a gasping noise as he finished . I felt dirty and ashamed even though I had done nothing wrong . I wanted to disappear and never be seen by the world again . I wasn 't a virgin , but this made me feel like I was now worthless and that no man , even my current boyfriend , would ever want me now that I was spoiled . I didn 't think I would ever want any man again either . Aren 't they all like this dog in some way ? Would anyone understand that I hadn 't even been able to say no ? Wasn 't that the thing ? You had to say no for it to be considered rape ? Would this make sense to anyone else ? Would anyone believe me ? He sat back on his legs and buttoned his pants . Silent tears were sliding down my cheeks and making my ears itch . My arms had gone numb . My insides felt raw , burned . I pulled my knees together , trying to hide the mess below . He took a deep breath . " Thank you . " He said in the quiet voice . He stood , not attempting to cover me . I thought he might just leave me there , but he was somewhat merciful . He pulled a gun from his jacket pocket and my world went black . Dollar Message You 're at your favorite department store buying a birthday present for a friend . As the cashier gives you change , you notice a message with specific instructions scribbled on one of the bills . What do the instructions say ? Do you carry them out and , if so , how ? I stood outside the door reading the instructions carefully one more time . They were obviously from someone in this area , but why put these instructions on a dollar bill ? I had just finished shopping and was getting ready to head home , but when the cashier handed me my change , this caught my eye and I was now rethinking my afternoon . The instructions were written in tiny scroll and covered almost the entire bill , front and back . I walked to my car and put my items in the back . I sat in the driver 's seat and stared at the bill . I could go and see what this view was about . Or I could go and get myself murdered . I felt my bodyguard . 380 pressing against my side and decided to take a chance . I didn 't have anything better to do anyway . I parked where I was supposed to park . The lot was empty besides my car . This was not in a well known area of the park . I felt a tingle of doubt creep down my spine . I suspected it received few visitors . Every other parking lot I had passed was full . It was 75 ° and sunny out on a Saturday , for this area it was heaven . This particular lot was about a mile from the main part of the park and even the driveway getting to the lot was longer than the others . I flipped the safety off on my conceal carry weapon and started down the path . It was almost exactly 300 yards to the boulder . I carefully made my way down the hill , slipping a few times , but ultimately making it safely down . There was no path at bottom . It was level ground , but not an actual path . I could hear that the river was close , maybe only 100 feet through the trees in front of me . I started walking in the direction the bill advised . I could hear so many beautiful sounds . There were bird calls I had never heard . Even the sounds the bugs made seemed to add a little sweetness to the chorus . There was a mild breeze that rustled the leaves as fallen branches cracked under my feet . I could see the cave coming up through the mist of water . The rock above jutted out and a stream poured over the edges . I stood in front of the mist for a moment deciding if I should walk through . I had come this far , why not ? I jumped through quickly , managing to stay mostly dry . Now came the really hard decision ; walk into what was surely a trap to rape and kill me or turn back and save myself . Step # 14 kept coming to the front of my mind . Enjoy the view . I was in a park , maybe these caves led to a look out point . I took the cave on the right . I continued through the tunnel of rock and earth . Sometimes it felt like I was walking down , other times up , I wasn 't really sure where I stood in terms of " feet above sea level " . After about 10 minutes of walking , the path began to tighten . My claustrophobia began to kick in as the walls narrowed and I had to turn to walk sideways . Thankfully that only lasted a few minutes before I came out on the other side and into the cavern . I stumbled out of the opening and took a deep breath . When I looked up that breath caught in my throat . On the far side of the cavern was a trickling waterfall that flowed into a pool on the cavern floor . The water was clear and blue . The size of the cavern and the pretty water were not the things that took my breath away . What took my breath away were the intricate paintings that covered the cavern walls in their entirety . It appeared that not an inch of rock had been left unpainted . The scenes depicted , while varied , were each detailed and precise . It could be seen that whoever created them had taken care with each brush stroke . I put the bill back into circulation that day . I wanted so badly to tell my friends , to take them there . I also wanted to respect the artist 's simple wishes though . They wanted people to search for the unknown and find something beautiful and wondrous . I 've been going there at least once a month . I pack a bag of food and sit in the cavern and think or read or write or brainstorm for work . It 's a haven in a crazy world . In the 5 years that I 've been going , I 've only ran into two people , neither of which claimed to be the artist . PHILADELPHIA - Charlie Kelly , 42 , passed away Saturday after huffing what doctors are calling " an impossible amount of glue " and eating more than 10 pounds of spaghetti mixed with cat food . Born on February 9 , 1976 to Bonnie Kelly and Frank Reynolds ( alleged father ) , Charlie lived a fast - paced and sometimes wreckless lifestyle which he loved . Charlie was passionate about his screenplay " The Nightman Cometh " which he wrote and directed despite illiteracy . He was inventive in his cooking style and enjoyed many types of cheeses . He was unashamed of his persistent attempts to date The Waitress even after multiple restraining orders were issued . Although he sold his shares to the other partners , he continued to care for Paddy 's Pub which is expected to close in the next month as their health inspection is nearing . A music prodigy , Charlie could play piano , harmonica , saxophone and bugle . He was also the inventor of Kitten Mittens which we all love and use regularly . Full Disclosure They toured the house with the real estate agent . " We love it , " he said . " Is there anything we should know about the house 's past ? " The agent looked down . They toured the house with the real estate agent . " We love it , " he said . " Is there anything we should know about the house 's past ? " The agent looked down . It was a colonial so the young couple had guessed that there would be something wrong with it . " Well … " The agent hesitated as he looked at the couple who waited expectantly . " Just some mold that was cleaned out . A few of the floors needed redone , that 's all . " He said in a rushed voice and ended with a smile . The couple looked at each other , then back at the agent . " OK , well let 's go look at the damage . " The agent slowly led them toward the basement door . He reiterated all the good qualities of the home as they made their way through the house . The couple was moving across the country and were trying to find a place to raise their soon - to - be family . This home seemed perfect with the three bedrooms upstairs as well as a master bedroom with its own master bath . The ground floor had an open floor plan that made the house feel bigger than it was . It also had a surprising number of large windows that let in the summer sun . " I mean you just can 't beat natural , original , wood floors in this condition . " The agent was saying as he stopped in front of a door . The couple smiled and nodded . The husband reached for the door handle and the agent put out his hand . " Please remember that this is an old house and , like I said , the mold damage was extensive in the basement . They had to gut most of it and what 's left isn 't very pretty . " " Yes , we 'll keep it in mind . " The husband said as he grasped the door handle . When he opened the door , a musky smell floated up from the dark steps . The husband flipped on the light and began to descend the stairs . The wife followed . The agent did not . The wife turned around when she realized he wasn 't coming . " The ceilings are quite low in there and I 'm very claustrophobic . I 'll wait here for you . " The wife eyed him suspiciously , but continued on . The musty smell grew the further down they went . The floors were a mixture of dirt and concrete . The ceilings were so low the couple had to bend forward to walk through . Steel weight - bearing rods stood in strategic places around the open basement . The concrete bricks that had once made up the walls were gone and it was only dirt that could cave in at any minute . The basement looked like it continued past the edge of the house . " Yeah , it looks like someone dug through the wall . " The husband pulled out his phone to use as a flashlight and began walking toward it . The wife pulled out her phone as well , but to Google the house instead . " There 's a hole over here . " The husband said from across the room . " It 's at least eight feet deep . What could they have possibly been doing ? " " Well that 's the obvious guess . " He chuckled . " Maybe there was a sump pump that went bad . Or maybe their septic tank was here before the new regulations would have forced them to put a new one in outside . " " No . They hid dead bodies . " The wife said again . " Police responded to a call on the 100 - block of Havana Avenue today . The complaint was that there was a fowl smell coming from the home of Monica Fuller , 27 . It has since been discovered that the house contains a hidden mass burial site behind the concrete walls of the basement . The smell of rotting bodies began to surface in the heat of summer . The number of bodies and any details related have yet to be released . " The husband began walking toward the wife . " Today police have released more information on the Monica Fuller burial home . Fifteen child and four adult bodies have been uncovered so far as they continue to break down the walls of the home 's basement . The names of the victims have not been released , but Monica Fuller is in police custody . " Back From the Future A knock at the door catches you off guard . Upon answering it , you 're greeted by a man who says he 's from the future - and he can prove it . More important , he says he has information that will save your life . Disclaimer : This may not be one of my best . I 'll be honest that I 'm not a real fan of this prompt and to add to it , I 'm very tired . I 've had an emotionally trying day and am not feeling very creative tonight . Here 's to hoping it turns out better than I expect ! I lurched upright and shook my head , trying to clear the fog of sleep . The knock came again , confirming I wasn 't dreaming . I flipped the cover back and wiped my eyes as a yawn slipped out . I grabbed the shorts next to my bed and pulled them on as another knock pounded in my door . " I 'm coming . I 'm coming . " I said through another yawn . I snatched the robe from the hook on the door and wrapped it around me . I was two feet from the door when the knock came again . I looked through the peephole . " Who is it ? " I didn 't recognize the man . He was tall and soaked in rain water , but had no other defining features . His face was regular , the kind you would see in a supermarket and swear you knew , but that was just because it was covered in common features . " I don 't know an Andre . " I responded now annoyed because he probably just had the wrong apartment . " Not yet , but you will . I 'm from the future and have some information you may find useful . " And now I thought of him as a drunk or maybe he was one of the stoners from down the hall . " Isabelle Hill . " I stopped and turned around . " You grew up in this town . Your mom died two years ago and your father lives eight blocks over , but will move to a neighboring town because he can 't stand living in the house your mom loved . You are dating Josh Macklyn and are thinking about moving in with him , but haven 't told him that yet because you have to decide if that 's the right move for you . " I leaned my head against the door . " How do you know all that ? How do you know about Josh ? " I had been very careful not to mention moving in with him to anyone . I still wasn 't sure I wanted to . " Why should I believe you ? " I watched him go into his pocket and pulled out an envelope . I watched him carefully open it and pull out a photo . He held it in front of the peephole and I studied it as best I could through the fisheye lens . It was Josh and me , but we looked older . My hair was cut in a way I had never cut it before , it was also a different color , but the face was definitely mine . " You gave it to me . You asked me to do this should things go wrong . You seemed to know something was coming . You knew the work I was doing and asked me to stop you . " " Moving in with Josh . " I stood silent for a few seconds , thinking about what he was saying . I looked at the picture again , but his arm must have been tired because he dropped it and moved closer to the door . " Look , can I just come in and talk ? " I stayed quiet thinking . " You said that if you didn 't believe me to say ' Remember to never give up hope " . I don 't know what it means , but you said it would change your mind . " It did change my mind . I swung the door open . " If you are from the future , and that 's a big if , why are you now coming to tell me this stuff ? " He asked if we could sit down . I shrugged and motioned to the couch . " If you died . Josh gets involved in some shady business with some dangerous people . You get pulled into it . You try to leave several times , but he always guilts you into coming back . " He reached back into the envelope and pulled out a few more photos . The woman 's body was twisted and bloody . She had stab wounds on her chest and the side of her neck . She was in what looked like night clothes . Her hands were covered in cuts as if she was trying to defend herself . Her eye was bruised and bulging . " No . I don 't believe you . You need to leave . " I stood and pointed at the door . " You need to leave now . " He nodded and got up without any further argument . As I was closing the door he stopped me . " Just … " He dropped his head and rubbed his forehead . " Just please don 't move in with Josh . That 's all I 'm asking . Don 't move in . " " Thanks for the advice . " I said and pushed the door shut on him . I watched through the peephole as he went down the steps and disappeared . I 'm screaming and and trying to run to the kitchen . He grabs my hair and pulls my head back before shoving it into the nearest wall . I feel a hard impact in between my shoulders blades and think he 's punched me , but then I feel something warm sliding down my back . I make it to the kitchen and just as I 'm reaching for the knife block I feel another blow against my back . He grabs my arm and twists me around . It 's not until I see the glint of steel moving through the air that I realize he 's been stabbing me . I throw my hands in front of me and feel the steel slice through my skin . I keep trying to grab the knife , but he 's too quick . I feel the pressure against my chest and the pain starts to take my breath away . I start feeling weak as he stabs my chest repeatedly . I feel the pressure in my neck and my world fades to black . " Well Vicki , have the lambs stopped screaming ? " I knew those words from somewhere , but where ? The graffiti was the most vulgar thing I 'd ever seen . It covered the side of an orphanage . It was the side that looked out over the small , fenced - in yard next to the building . The building itself was a white block with few windows . There was one door that led into the play yard and one that led into the street . The other two sides were butted against other buildings and even the yard was surrounded by buildings on three sides . How had no one seen the artist and caught him ? Downtown was busy enough during the day , surely there were people walking at night as well . Painted against the white wall was a black and red monstrosity of a woman sprawled out on a bed . Her red underwear were twisted around her ankles . There was blood trailing down her legs from the thick black fuzz of her groin . Her arms were spread to each side and blood flowed from her wrists onto the bed . Her breasts had red slash marks ripping flesh away from itself . There was a thick red gash from one side of her neck to the other with the red flowing down her shoulders and chest . Her head lulled to the side in an unnatural way , neck pulling away from neck at the gash . Her eyes were rolled so far you almost couldn 't see the iris . They cried tears of red . Her hair lay sloppily above her head with flecks of red spattered throughout . The words were written across the top in rough , jagged letters . What was worse then the imagery was that I knew this woman . Vicki worked in the cube next to me . We talked every day and even went to lunch together from time to time . Whoever painted this new her well enough to get every detail right , down to the birthmark on her thigh that she hated . I picked up my phone and dialed her number . It rang . And rang . And rang . Until finally her voice came on asking for a message . " Vicki , it 's Anita . I 'm looking at a really fucked up painting . Call me as soon as you get this . " I hung up and tapped the phone against my leg while looking at the painting . I paused for a moment and then turned to look at each building . I couldn 't see anything that resembled a security camera on a single one of them . I tried Vicki again . Still no answer . That didn 't mean she was dead , it just meant that she was busy . It was still early in the morning , maybe she was sleeping . I couldn 't stand around and do nothing . I knocked on the door of the orphanage . After a few more aggressive knocks a woman in her 60 's answered . " Well when the police arrive you can tell them . " Before I could say anything else she shut the door on me . I tried calling Vicki again and I got her voicemail , again . Where did I know that line from ? I went back to stare at the graffiti . I stared hard at the words . It wasn 't until I saw the butterfly as the dot of the question mark that I knew what it was from . It was the only thing of a different color . It was dark yellow with negative space for the white skull - like design on its back . I shuttered as I realized what movie the line came from and then tried Vicki again .

Summer time is the worst for me . I like the cold of winter . I like sitting on the couch with a blanket wrapped around me and a warm cup of hot chocolate in my hands . I love the smell of snow . I love the way it covers the world and makes it feel like a completely different place . I love the way it feels when the soft flakes land and melt on my face . I like to hear the crunch of hard packed snow under my feet . So as I sat on the sofa with the windows open and multiple fans strategically placed throughout the house blowing as hard as their hardware would allow , I tried to think of that beautiful time of year . A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts . I stood and put on shorts and a tank top before answering . " Look what I have ! " My over - zealous friend Katie said , displaying the wooden board dramatically in front of her . I turned and sat back down on the sofa . She shut the door behind her and sat on the floor in front of me . " Come on . It 'll be fun ! I found it at a yard sale . They only wanted a quarter for it ! Can you believe that ? It 's in such good condition . It 's practically brand new ! " I slowly rolled off the couch and onto the floor across from her . I had never used an Ouija board before and honestly didn 't know much about them except that they were used to speak to spirits . " Because my mom would never let me have one as a kid . She called them ' the devil 's tool " and wouldn 't allow one in her house . " " And if I say the same thing ? " " Why are you acting so blah ? " She asked with slumped shoulders . She really was the yin to my yang ; always bubbly , never a care in the world , excited about everything . " Summer just started , I haven 't had a chance to lay out yet . Now are we going to do this or what ? " I shrugged again . " Sure . " She clapped with excitement and set the board down with its planchette on top . She put her fingers on top on used her head to motion for me to do the same . I complied . " Why don 't we start with the basics ? Is there a spirit in this room ? " We sat quietly ; our fingers resting gently on the heart shaped piece of wood . " Please , if there is anyone here , let us know . " Katie was looking up into the air , waiting expectantly . The planchette did not move . " Your apartment is old . There has to be something living here . " " I think if a spirit were around , it wouldn 't care what time of day it is or what lights are on . " She shrugged . It was like all the energy had been sapped from her . I reached over the arm of the couch and into a book caddy . I handed her a book . " How to enjoy the here and now : a guide to self - love and acceptance of the present . " She looked over at me incredulously after reading the title aloud . " You know , because you 're searching for what 's in the past . " I laughed when she threw the book back at me . " I thoroughly enjoy the present ! " She grabbed the remote from the side table . " Although I may change my mind if I keep hanging out with you . " She turned the TV on and found a show for us to watch . While the people talked and the " studio audience " laughed at just the right moments ( and Katie along with them ) , I grabbed my phone and did some research on this Ouija board . " No it won 't . " Tears were streaming down Luciana 's face . " I was just fired for being late too often . My boyfriend is the reason I was late and now he 's left me , rent is due in two weeks , I have barely enough money for food , let alone gas to drive around trying to find a job . " I felt bad for her , but she had honestly put herself in this situation . " I told you ! " She said blowing her nose . " He wouldn 't let me get into the bathroom while he was getting ready so I 'd have to wait until he got done and by then I 'd be running behind . " She could have just woken up earlier , but I didn 't think saying that would help matters right now . I was about to console her again when the car jerked to the side and a thumping noise sounded from toward the back . Lucy slowed the car down and pulled off to the side . " Great now I have a flat . " She dropped her head against the steering wheel as her shoulders slumped forward . She was making it seem like this was the end of the world . " Do you have a spare ? " Her ponytail bobbed as she shrugged , then nodded . I got out of the car and looked around . There were cornfields on both sides of the road for as far as I could see . This actually was a bad time to get a flat tire . We hadn 't seen a car in a solid 20 minutes and I still saw none in sight . I checked my cell and found next to no service . I tried to call my insurance company to see if they could send someone , but the signal was so bad that the agent couldn 't verify who I was or what I needed . I hung up after trying to explain it a fourth time . I looked up and down the road again , still no sign of a car . " Mine fell in the toilet when I went into the bathroom to cry after they fired me and doesn 't work anymore . I haven 't had a chance to buy a new one . " She sighed . " Or the money . " " You didn 't think it might be important to tell me that before the 17 hour trip back home ? " Now I was pissed . Not only was she acting like a dramatic 15 year old instead of the 39 year old that she was , but she was now leaving out vital information . " Why in the hell wouldn 't you mention you don 't have a phone ? I could have bought one of those pay as you go phones to make sure we have a backup . " She scowled at me . " I 'm sorry , I 've just been a bit preoccupied with things I thought were more important than my cell phone . " She rolled the window back up and turned her head . She wasn 't even going to attempt to help me . I walked a bit back the way we had come hoping to get better signal . It got worse , dropping out completely . I walked back toward the car , passed it , and continued walking , hoping I would have better luck in that direction . None . I got back to the car and looked to see if enough time had gone by that another car would be coming . Again , no such luck . I finally realized I was going to have to do something I hadn 't done since I was 16 . It struck me like a smack in the face . That was over 20 years ago . I leaned against the back of the car and tried one more time to get with my insurance company 's roadside assistance . Again I had to hang up because we just couldn 't hear each other clear enough . I put my phone in my pocket , said a little prayer of thanks for sunshine and a cool breeze , then yelled for Lucy to pop the trunk . This is to serve as my formal resignation . I am quitting effective immediately . I will not even try to keep this professional . I am fed up . I 've had enough . You and me work well together , I get that . But you 're not healthy for me . You delay things that need to be done sooner rather than later . You interfere with my daily life and even cause me to be late going into work . You 've turned my house into a mess . Because of you , dishes are piled on the sink . The living room is cluttered with papers , tools , and other things that should have found a home months ago . Because of our work together , I have a box of papers from the last 2 years that have not been sorted and filed properly . Procrastination , we just can 't keep working together . It 's impossible for me to get anything done while we work together . I push things off until I forget about them altogether . I 'm tired of feeling guilty because I have pushed off writing my book . I hate the rush of trying to figure out a good birthday plan for my husband because of our work together . The Stranger You 're walking home from work one night and taking shortcuts through a labyrinth of dark city alleyways to meet someone on time . Suddenly , a stranger parts the shadows in front of you , comes close and asks you to hold out your palm . You oblige . Thoughts about these prompts : WTF ? Why am I this just all trusting person who puts faith in others . Why am I eating mysterious cookies ? Why am I following mysterious instructions that lead me until a cave ? And now I 'm accepting something from a stranger in an alley ? These prompts presume I 'm a trusting person … I 'm not . Sorry , just needed to get that out there … On to writing ! I looked down at my watch for maybe the tenth time in the last two minutes . I was making decent time , but was still nervous about being late for this dinner . I had only fifteen minutes to get to the home . Taking a cab on a Friday night at 5 : 00 would take too long , but now I was wondering if walking was a mistake too . I had to make it from Lower Manhattan to my apartment in Midtown by 6 : 00 and then back out to meet my mom for her birthday dinner by 6 : 30 . I had been held late at work . I was almost to the midway point and it was already 5 : 41 . I had been trying to make it there with some time to spare to freshen up . As I tried to muscle through the bodies on the sidewalk , I decided this was going to take too long . I turned down an alley . I knew this city as well as I knew my mom 's face . I had grown up here and , although I had been yelled at many times for it , I tended to wander as a child . Much more so as a teen . I weaved through the different alleys , working my way home bit by bit . I looked down at my watch again , 5 : 47 . I should be able to make it home in less than thirteen minutes . I looked back up to find a man standing about twenty feet in front of me . The sun was fading fast and the alley was not well lit . He wore a hoodie that kept his face in shadow and stood with his hands clasped behind his back . I stopped walking . He stepped closer . The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as my stomach tightened and twisted . " Look , I don 't want any trouble . If you want my wallet , here it is . " I held it out to him but he shook his head . " Please . I 'm on my way to take my mom out to dinner for her birthday . I don 't have anything of value , but the items in my wallet . " He took one more step putting less than two feet between us . My heart beat hard in my chest and I was finding it hard to breathe . Why wouldn 't he just take my things ? " Hold out your hand . " I decided if this would help get it done and over with , I 'd do it . I slowly , reluctantly stretched my hand out . In a flash he had a cuff locked around my wrist . " What - " He whirled my body around and my purse went flying . As he grabbed my other arm I lost grip on my phone and it too fell to the ground . Before I fully knew what was happening , he had my arms handcuffed behind my back and was dragging me back toward the dumster he had stepped out from behind . I tried to yell , but as soon as the first sound came out fuzz filled my mouth . His gloved hand squeezed tight . It was massive , almost covering my entire face . I couldn 't breathe now . His hand was covering my nose as well . I started panicing . I squirmed and kicked . I even tried headbutting him , but didn 't know how to do it and missed . Once behind the dumpster , he turned me around and punched me hard in the face . I blacked out . When I woke back up , my arms were in immense pain and my wrist were burning . I was laying on my back which meant I was laying on my handcuffed wrists . He was on top of me . I could feel the cool air on my bare legs . My left eye felt hot and swollen . My head was pounding and seemed to be thumping with every stroke . I looked him in the eyes hoping to make him feel guilty , but that seemed to please him more . The hood had fallen off and I could see a wide smile start to spread across his lips and he made a gasping noise as he finished . I felt dirty and ashamed even though I had done nothing wrong . I wanted to disappear and never be seen by the world again . I wasn 't a virgin , but this made me feel like I was now worthless and that no man , even my current boyfriend , would ever want me now that I was spoiled . I didn 't think I would ever want any man again either . Aren 't they all like this dog in some way ? Would anyone understand that I hadn 't even been able to say no ? Wasn 't that the thing ? You had to say no for it to be considered rape ? Would this make sense to anyone else ? Would anyone believe me ? He sat back on his legs and buttoned his pants . Silent tears were sliding down my cheeks and making my ears itch . My arms had gone numb . My insides felt raw , burned . I pulled my knees together , trying to hide the mess below . He took a deep breath . " Thank you . " He said in the quiet voice . He stood , not attempting to cover me . I thought he might just leave me there , but he was somewhat merciful . He pulled a gun from his jacket pocket and my world went black . Dollar Message You 're at your favorite department store buying a birthday present for a friend . As the cashier gives you change , you notice a message with specific instructions scribbled on one of the bills . What do the instructions say ? Do you carry them out and , if so , how ? I stood outside the door reading the instructions carefully one more time . They were obviously from someone in this area , but why put these instructions on a dollar bill ? I had just finished shopping and was getting ready to head home , but when the cashier handed me my change , this caught my eye and I was now rethinking my afternoon . The instructions were written in tiny scroll and covered almost the entire bill , front and back . I walked to my car and put my items in the back . I sat in the driver 's seat and stared at the bill . I could go and see what this view was about . Or I could go and get myself murdered . I felt my bodyguard . 380 pressing against my side and decided to take a chance . I didn 't have anything better to do anyway . I parked where I was supposed to park . The lot was empty besides my car . This was not in a well known area of the park . I felt a tingle of doubt creep down my spine . I suspected it received few visitors . Every other parking lot I had passed was full . It was 75 ° and sunny out on a Saturday , for this area it was heaven . This particular lot was about a mile from the main part of the park and even the driveway getting to the lot was longer than the others . I flipped the safety off on my conceal carry weapon and started down the path . It was almost exactly 300 yards to the boulder . I carefully made my way down the hill , slipping a few times , but ultimately making it safely down . There was no path at bottom . It was level ground , but not an actual path . I could hear that the river was close , maybe only 100 feet through the trees in front of me . I started walking in the direction the bill advised . I could hear so many beautiful sounds . There were bird calls I had never heard . Even the sounds the bugs made seemed to add a little sweetness to the chorus . There was a mild breeze that rustled the leaves as fallen branches cracked under my feet . I could see the cave coming up through the mist of water . The rock above jutted out and a stream poured over the edges . I stood in front of the mist for a moment deciding if I should walk through . I had come this far , why not ? I jumped through quickly , managing to stay mostly dry . Now came the really hard decision ; walk into what was surely a trap to rape and kill me or turn back and save myself . Step # 14 kept coming to the front of my mind . Enjoy the view . I was in a park , maybe these caves led to a look out point . I took the cave on the right . I continued through the tunnel of rock and earth . Sometimes it felt like I was walking down , other times up , I wasn 't really sure where I stood in terms of " feet above sea level " . After about 10 minutes of walking , the path began to tighten . My claustrophobia began to kick in as the walls narrowed and I had to turn to walk sideways . Thankfully that only lasted a few minutes before I came out on the other side and into the cavern . I stumbled out of the opening and took a deep breath . When I looked up that breath caught in my throat . On the far side of the cavern was a trickling waterfall that flowed into a pool on the cavern floor . The water was clear and blue . The size of the cavern and the pretty water were not the things that took my breath away . What took my breath away were the intricate paintings that covered the cavern walls in their entirety . It appeared that not an inch of rock had been left unpainted . The scenes depicted , while varied , were each detailed and precise . It could be seen that whoever created them had taken care with each brush stroke . I put the bill back into circulation that day . I wanted so badly to tell my friends , to take them there . I also wanted to respect the artist 's simple wishes though . They wanted people to search for the unknown and find something beautiful and wondrous . I 've been going there at least once a month . I pack a bag of food and sit in the cavern and think or read or write or brainstorm for work . It 's a haven in a crazy world . In the 5 years that I 've been going , I 've only ran into two people , neither of which claimed to be the artist . PHILADELPHIA - Charlie Kelly , 42 , passed away Saturday after huffing what doctors are calling " an impossible amount of glue " and eating more than 10 pounds of spaghetti mixed with cat food . Born on February 9 , 1976 to Bonnie Kelly and Frank Reynolds ( alleged father ) , Charlie lived a fast - paced and sometimes wreckless lifestyle which he loved . Charlie was passionate about his screenplay " The Nightman Cometh " which he wrote and directed despite illiteracy . He was inventive in his cooking style and enjoyed many types of cheeses . He was unashamed of his persistent attempts to date The Waitress even after multiple restraining orders were issued . Although he sold his shares to the other partners , he continued to care for Paddy 's Pub which is expected to close in the next month as their health inspection is nearing . A music prodigy , Charlie could play piano , harmonica , saxophone and bugle . He was also the inventor of Kitten Mittens which we all love and use regularly . Full Disclosure They toured the house with the real estate agent . " We love it , " he said . " Is there anything we should know about the house 's past ? " The agent looked down . They toured the house with the real estate agent . " We love it , " he said . " Is there anything we should know about the house 's past ? " The agent looked down . It was a colonial so the young couple had guessed that there would be something wrong with it . " Well … " The agent hesitated as he looked at the couple who waited expectantly . " Just some mold that was cleaned out . A few of the floors needed redone , that 's all . " He said in a rushed voice and ended with a smile . The couple looked at each other , then back at the agent . " OK , well let 's go look at the damage . " The agent slowly led them toward the basement door . He reiterated all the good qualities of the home as they made their way through the house . The couple was moving across the country and were trying to find a place to raise their soon - to - be family . This home seemed perfect with the three bedrooms upstairs as well as a master bedroom with its own master bath . The ground floor had an open floor plan that made the house feel bigger than it was . It also had a surprising number of large windows that let in the summer sun . " I mean you just can 't beat natural , original , wood floors in this condition . " The agent was saying as he stopped in front of a door . The couple smiled and nodded . The husband reached for the door handle and the agent put out his hand . " Please remember that this is an old house and , like I said , the mold damage was extensive in the basement . They had to gut most of it and what 's left isn 't very pretty . " " Yes , we 'll keep it in mind . " The husband said as he grasped the door handle . When he opened the door , a musky smell floated up from the dark steps . The husband flipped on the light and began to descend the stairs . The wife followed . The agent did not . The wife turned around when she realized he wasn 't coming . " The ceilings are quite low in there and I 'm very claustrophobic . I 'll wait here for you . " The wife eyed him suspiciously , but continued on . The musty smell grew the further down they went . The floors were a mixture of dirt and concrete . The ceilings were so low the couple had to bend forward to walk through . Steel weight - bearing rods stood in strategic places around the open basement . The concrete bricks that had once made up the walls were gone and it was only dirt that could cave in at any minute . The basement looked like it continued past the edge of the house . " Yeah , it looks like someone dug through the wall . " The husband pulled out his phone to use as a flashlight and began walking toward it . The wife pulled out her phone as well , but to Google the house instead . " There 's a hole over here . " The husband said from across the room . " It 's at least eight feet deep . What could they have possibly been doing ? " " Well that 's the obvious guess . " He chuckled . " Maybe there was a sump pump that went bad . Or maybe their septic tank was here before the new regulations would have forced them to put a new one in outside . " " No . They hid dead bodies . " The wife said again . " Police responded to a call on the 100 - block of Havana Avenue today . The complaint was that there was a fowl smell coming from the home of Monica Fuller , 27 . It has since been discovered that the house contains a hidden mass burial site behind the concrete walls of the basement . The smell of rotting bodies began to surface in the heat of summer . The number of bodies and any details related have yet to be released . " The husband began walking toward the wife . " Today police have released more information on the Monica Fuller burial home . Fifteen child and four adult bodies have been uncovered so far as they continue to break down the walls of the home 's basement . The names of the victims have not been released , but Monica Fuller is in police custody . " Back From the Future A knock at the door catches you off guard . Upon answering it , you 're greeted by a man who says he 's from the future - and he can prove it . More important , he says he has information that will save your life . Disclaimer : This may not be one of my best . I 'll be honest that I 'm not a real fan of this prompt and to add to it , I 'm very tired . I 've had an emotionally trying day and am not feeling very creative tonight . Here 's to hoping it turns out better than I expect ! I lurched upright and shook my head , trying to clear the fog of sleep . The knock came again , confirming I wasn 't dreaming . I flipped the cover back and wiped my eyes as a yawn slipped out . I grabbed the shorts next to my bed and pulled them on as another knock pounded in my door . " I 'm coming . I 'm coming . " I said through another yawn . I snatched the robe from the hook on the door and wrapped it around me . I was two feet from the door when the knock came again . I looked through the peephole . " Who is it ? " I didn 't recognize the man . He was tall and soaked in rain water , but had no other defining features . His face was regular , the kind you would see in a supermarket and swear you knew , but that was just because it was covered in common features . " I don 't know an Andre . " I responded now annoyed because he probably just had the wrong apartment . " Not yet , but you will . I 'm from the future and have some information you may find useful . " And now I thought of him as a drunk or maybe he was one of the stoners from down the hall . " Isabelle Hill . " I stopped and turned around . " You grew up in this town . Your mom died two years ago and your father lives eight blocks over , but will move to a neighboring town because he can 't stand living in the house your mom loved . You are dating Josh Macklyn and are thinking about moving in with him , but haven 't told him that yet because you have to decide if that 's the right move for you . " I leaned my head against the door . " How do you know all that ? How do you know about Josh ? " I had been very careful not to mention moving in with him to anyone . I still wasn 't sure I wanted to . " Why should I believe you ? " I watched him go into his pocket and pulled out an envelope . I watched him carefully open it and pull out a photo . He held it in front of the peephole and I studied it as best I could through the fisheye lens . It was Josh and me , but we looked older . My hair was cut in a way I had never cut it before , it was also a different color , but the face was definitely mine . " You gave it to me . You asked me to do this should things go wrong . You seemed to know something was coming . You knew the work I was doing and asked me to stop you . " " Moving in with Josh . " I stood silent for a few seconds , thinking about what he was saying . I looked at the picture again , but his arm must have been tired because he dropped it and moved closer to the door . " Look , can I just come in and talk ? " I stayed quiet thinking . " You said that if you didn 't believe me to say ' Remember to never give up hope " . I don 't know what it means , but you said it would change your mind . " It did change my mind . I swung the door open . " If you are from the future , and that 's a big if , why are you now coming to tell me this stuff ? " He asked if we could sit down . I shrugged and motioned to the couch . " If you died . Josh gets involved in some shady business with some dangerous people . You get pulled into it . You try to leave several times , but he always guilts you into coming back . " He reached back into the envelope and pulled out a few more photos . The woman 's body was twisted and bloody . She had stab wounds on her chest and the side of her neck . She was in what looked like night clothes . Her hands were covered in cuts as if she was trying to defend herself . Her eye was bruised and bulging . " No . I don 't believe you . You need to leave . " I stood and pointed at the door . " You need to leave now . " He nodded and got up without any further argument . As I was closing the door he stopped me . " Just … " He dropped his head and rubbed his forehead . " Just please don 't move in with Josh . That 's all I 'm asking . Don 't move in . " " Thanks for the advice . " I said and pushed the door shut on him . I watched through the peephole as he went down the steps and disappeared . I 'm screaming and and trying to run to the kitchen . He grabs my hair and pulls my head back before shoving it into the nearest wall . I feel a hard impact in between my shoulders blades and think he 's punched me , but then I feel something warm sliding down my back . I make it to the kitchen and just as I 'm reaching for the knife block I feel another blow against my back . He grabs my arm and twists me around . It 's not until I see the glint of steel moving through the air that I realize he 's been stabbing me . I throw my hands in front of me and feel the steel slice through my skin . I keep trying to grab the knife , but he 's too quick . I feel the pressure against my chest and the pain starts to take my breath away . I start feeling weak as he stabs my chest repeatedly . I feel the pressure in my neck and my world fades to black . " Well Vicki , have the lambs stopped screaming ? " I knew those words from somewhere , but where ? The graffiti was the most vulgar thing I 'd ever seen . It covered the side of an orphanage . It was the side that looked out over the small , fenced - in yard next to the building . The building itself was a white block with few windows . There was one door that led into the play yard and one that led into the street . The other two sides were butted against other buildings and even the yard was surrounded by buildings on three sides . How had no one seen the artist and caught him ? Downtown was busy enough during the day , surely there were people walking at night as well . Painted against the white wall was a black and red monstrosity of a woman sprawled out on a bed . Her red underwear were twisted around her ankles . There was blood trailing down her legs from the thick black fuzz of her groin . Her arms were spread to each side and blood flowed from her wrists onto the bed . Her breasts had red slash marks ripping flesh away from itself . There was a thick red gash from one side of her neck to the other with the red flowing down her shoulders and chest . Her head lulled to the side in an unnatural way , neck pulling away from neck at the gash . Her eyes were rolled so far you almost couldn 't see the iris . They cried tears of red . Her hair lay sloppily above her head with flecks of red spattered throughout . The words were written across the top in rough , jagged letters . What was worse then the imagery was that I knew this woman . Vicki worked in the cube next to me . We talked every day and even went to lunch together from time to time . Whoever painted this new her well enough to get every detail right , down to the birthmark on her thigh that she hated . I picked up my phone and dialed her number . It rang . And rang . And rang . Until finally her voice came on asking for a message . " Vicki , it 's Anita . I 'm looking at a really fucked up painting . Call me as soon as you get this . " I hung up and tapped the phone against my leg while looking at the painting . I paused for a moment and then turned to look at each building . I couldn 't see anything that resembled a security camera on a single one of them . I tried Vicki again . Still no answer . That didn 't mean she was dead , it just meant that she was busy . It was still early in the morning , maybe she was sleeping . I couldn 't stand around and do nothing . I knocked on the door of the orphanage . After a few more aggressive knocks a woman in her 60 's answered . " Well when the police arrive you can tell them . " Before I could say anything else she shut the door on me . I tried calling Vicki again and I got her voicemail , again . Where did I know that line from ? I went back to stare at the graffiti . I stared hard at the words . It wasn 't until I saw the butterfly as the dot of the question mark that I knew what it was from . It was the only thing of a different color . It was dark yellow with negative space for the white skull - like design on its back . I shuttered as I realized what movie the line came from and then tried Vicki again .

This blog is dedicated to my son Travis Ashton and to all of the other Not So Ordinary Angels out there . I believe Ordinary People do Extraordinary things . This blog is for anyone who has been thrown a curve ball in life , anyone who has gone through or who is going through hard things . Anyone who 's life has had their life plan altered . . . this blog is dedicated to you . I hope to share our sunshine that came with the storm . Pages Travis ' brain pressures continued to stabilize , as well as his other vital signs . The antibiotics were working , and his spinal meningitis was getting better . His fever was gone . The C - diff bacteria infection was beginning to improve . He was still in a coma . He was still on a ventilator . He still had severe damage to his brain . He wasn 't exactly out of the woods , but the first time since he came into the hospital , things were getting better instead of worse . The exhaustion of hospital life began to take it 's toll on all of us physically . We were tired . Our small children were feeling the absence not only of their big brother , but also the absence of their Mom . Jed and I decided it was time for me to come home some from the hospital . I was afraid to leave Travis , but I felt confident with his nurses and they promised me they would call if there was the tiniest change or concern . My husband dropped my car off so I would be able to come home in the evenings and go back to the hospital early in the mornings . We had different friends and family that volunteered to stay with Travis every night that we weren 't there . The time had come for me to get in my car and drive home . It seems like a simple thing , but I felt like I had been abducted by aliens and living in another universe so very far away from my own . I got in my car and drove out of the hospital parking lot , and immediately tears began to flow . I felt like I couldn 't breathe , like an elephant was sitting on my chest . I had to pull over , I couldn 't see because of the tears and I didn 't think I could focus on the road well enough to drive . I considered going back into the hospital and postponing going home . I closed my eyes and said a prayer , it was more like a few words in my mind " help me . please . " As I sat in the dark parking lot , feeling like I was stuck in a cave that I couldn 't find my way out of , a song came into my mind that I have heard and sang in church all of my life . " Count your blessings , name them one by one . Count your many blessings . See what God has done . " My racing heart began to slow down . My flood of tears reduced to a stream of tears and I could breathe . I thought to myself " OK , I can do this . " I put my car in drive and headed down the canyon to our home about 45 minutes away . The song again came in my mind . " When upon life 's billow 's your are tempest tossed , when you are discouraged thinking all is lost , count your many blessings name them one by one , and it will surprise you what the Lord hath done . " The thought occurred to me to literally count my blessings . I started try and think of blessings , it seemed like life my life had turned into a giant storm and I had no control over anything anymore . Our son was barely hanging onto life . Our family unit had been separated . I was physically exhausted . My husband Jed had to go back to work , in spite of how exhausted physically and emotionally we were . The rent was still due . We still had car payments , we still had student loans to pay and groceries to buy . It didn 't help that the medical bills were mounting into the hundreds of thousands of dollars at this point . I didn 't know what the future held for us . I didn 't know how long our son would live , Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear ? Count your many blessings , every doubt will fly , and you will be singing as the days go by . " Blessings . . . I tried to shift my focus and think of some . It seemed when I tried to think of blessings only darkness came to mind . I thought a little prayer in my mind . . . " please help me remember my blessings " 1 . I am thankful Travis is alive . 2 . I am thankful for my husband 3 . I am thankful our other children are healthy . 4 . I am thankful for the small triumphs Travis has made so far . 5 . I am thankful for the nurses Travis has caring for him . As I began to list my blessings in my mind a shift began to take place inside of me . I became calm again . I could breathe and didn 't feel like an elephant was smashing my chest . I could think clearly , I felt warm inside , I felt loved , my love for my family and our friends seemed to radiate through my body . My mind and heart seemed to transform from darkness and despair to being filled with light and hope . This became a ritual for me each night as I would drive home . As soon as I would drive out of the parking lot I would start to count my blessings . In the beginning I would be finished counting after a short time , but with each drive home more and more blessings flowed into my mind that I had been given . I remember one night in particular I pulled The time had come to wean Travis off of the ventilator and see if he could breathe on his own . I arrived at the hospital early , our family and a whole host of prayer warriors had been fasting and praying for Travis that his body would be able to breathe on it 's own . I knew if he didn 't get off of that breathing machine sooner than later , it was likely that he would never come off . I knew we had been given so many miracles , but wasn 't sure exactly what the Lord had in mind for Travis . The medical team had began weaning Travis off of all of the coma inducing meds , and it showed that his lungs were functioning somewhat on their own , but not completely . Jed and I had prepared ourselves for whatever the outcome might be . I had seen the hand of the Lord in every detail of this entire ordeal , and knew He would not leave us alone this time . I also knew His will and plan is not always the same as mine . Today would reveal a little more of His plan for Travis . The ventilator was removed and Travis began to breathe on his own . His lungs were weak , but he was breathing without any medical help . He didn 't move , he didn 't respond . His eyes opened just a little bit , almost like a newborn baby that wasn 't quite ready to open his eyes and view the world just yet . We had been given another miracle to add to our list of blessings . I knew that day , whether Travis took a breath or not , we were loved . I was loved . I knew our prayers had been heard . I knew that the baby born to Mary in Bethlehem thousands of years ago had touched my life . I wasn 't there when the wise men came to the stable bearing gifts . I didn 't walk with Him as he walked the streets of Galilee and Jerusalem . However , the promise he made to all mankind many millennia ago , he has kept . He has not left me comfortless , I have never been alone . He has lightened my burdens when The days , nights and weeks seemed to all run together into one endless blur . It was hard to keep track of time when there was no longer routine or schedule in our lives . Travis ' was still on a ventilator , still on a long list of meds to keep him in an induced coma , still having high fevers , still had spinal meningitis , his C - diff symptoms were still keeping his nurses on their toes 24 - 7 . Actually it was two nurses whom each stayed with him 12 hours each . Seven a . m . to seven p . m . Christy in the day time , and Audrey in the night hours . Sometimes they would come in early to be with Travis , both of them would stay late to make sure everything was done for him before they left . They would call on their days off to check on him . I don 't think I could have handpicked two better nurses in the world to care for Travis . I think Christy was somewhere in her fifties , she had dark brown hair , and eyes to match . She would make sure that every inch of Travis body was clean and that he was as comfortable as possible . There was not a detail she left unattended . Audrey was in her twenties with blonde hair and blue eyes and was always cheerful and smiling . She was someone Travis would have liked to hang out with . She was upbeat and seemed to adore Travis . It seemed like she could tell his personality even though she had never interacted with him other than while he was unconscious . I grew to love each of these women and trusted them immensely with our sons care . We were in an isolated room in the PICU because of the infectious nature of what Travis had now . We had to wear gowns , gloves and masks at all times in the room with him . I missed being home so much . I missed our daily routines . I missed reading stories to my kids . I missed making dinner . I missed hearing my boys wrestling and running through the house . I missed seeing my little boys in their PJ 's and messy hair in the mornings . I missed hearing about my husband 's day at work . I missed eating dinner with him . I missed putting my cold feet on him at night . I missed our life . The ladies from my church and neighborhood became an army of angels that took care of every detail of our family 's life . They managed all of the things in our home . They took over my job . They arranged meals for my family every night . Ladies took turns doing our laundry and cleaning our home . They organized a calendar for childcare and gave me a copy so I would know who had our children each day . The men did our yard work and when it snowed they shoveled that too . I don 't have words for how appreciative we are for all of those angels that stepped into our lives and cared for us . They will never be forgotten , and have taught me what it really means to be a disciple of Christ . Travis had a constant stream of medical teams , physicians and medical students throughout the day and night coming in his room . It was a teaching hospital and one night a group came in and they pulled up the images of Travis ' cat scan on a large screen . They were pointing out the extensive damage that was there . Almost the entire left side of his brain was damaged with some damage also to his frontal lobe and some to the right side , and some shearing had also occurred . The magnitude of the amount of damage his brain had suffered suddenly became a reality to me . The nurses who loved Travis so much had been telling me that he would not likely be able to do much more than he was currently doing in a coma . The doctors continued to confirm these same prognosis . The amount of damage that was caused to his brain from the impact of the accident was severe . They told us once his fevers stayed below 101 and if they could get the bacteria in his blood to stop growing , and his brain and blood pressures to stabilize , they could start weaning him off of the meds and see if his lungs could breath on their own once again . We would see if he would wake up . I would sit by Travis ' bed most of the day and night . The clock had ticked late into the hours of the night and I started to think back to the piano recital he had performed just a few days before his accident . It seemed like a lifetime ago . I remember him complaining that the piece he was learning ( Pachelbel 's Canon ) was SO hard , he didn 't think he could do it . I told him to just keep practicing and eventually he would get it . He continued to complain , and finally I asked him " What 's wrong with hard Travis ? " I told him we could do hard things . He had help if he needed it , he had learned other hard things and it 's ok to struggle for a while with something . Hard is o . k . I had this conversation with him on other occasions and had asked the same question to my other kids at different times . What 's wrong with hard ? I would ask . They knew that meant they had to keep trying . They knew that meant I wasn 't going to let them off the hook and would have to stick with it . I would always reassure them that I would help them however I could , they didn 't have to do whatever the challenge was by themselves . I was thinking about how I wished I could take this away from Travis this time . I looked at his perfect tan little body and emotion overcame me . I began to weep and wished with everything that I had , that I could take it away , or switch places with him and do it for him . I started to think about another perfect body that I had read and studied about since I was a child . I thought of our Savior Jesus Christ 's body . I thought about how he was criticized and his body was tortured . How he was falsely accused and made to go with out food and water . I thought of his back being beaten and the bloody stripes his enemies left behind . I thought of the large nails that were pounded into his hands and feet . The thorn of crowns that would dig deep into his scalp , as he thirsted and was offered only vinegar to drink . I began to weep even more . Suddenly a new perspective came to me that I had not previously considered . I had always thought and pondered the sacrifice that Jesus Christ had made for mankind . It had never occurred to me how hard it might have been for our Heavenly Father , to watch his perfect Firstborn Son suffer . I thought of the agony it must have been to have His only begotten Son asking Him to remove the bitter cup . . . not my will but thine . Through my sobs and tears I began to pray and ask God how such a thing could be done ? How can I sit by and watch the suffering ? How could He have watched His Son suffer and not take it away ? I heard the words come into my mind " What 's wrong with hard ? " " You too can do hard things . " " I will not leave you comfortless , I will not leave you alone " I had an overwhelming feeling of warmth and peace wrap around me . I felt a sense of love from above that I had never experienced before . The scripture " For God so loved the world that He sent His only Begotten Son " had a new meaning to me . I realized what a sacrifice it was for Him to give mankind this gift and to watch His Son suffer and die , so that we could all live . I realized I was not alone , and Travis was not alone . I knew the road ahead would be a hard one . I didn 't know exactly what the road would be like , but in my heart I knew there would be one . However hard it might be , I was thankful to be allowed to walk down that road . SHARE : The days began to turn into weeks at our stay at Primary Children 's Hospital . My days became routine and usually started with a shower in the morning in the common bathroom of the PICU waiting room . I didn 't really mind the shower . It was the towels that bothered me . They were course and felt a little bit like sand paper . They were all white and they had the same smell that Travis ' sheets and blankets in his hospital bed had . All of the linens in the hospital had the same smell . It 's not a particularly bad smell , but it made me nauseous . I had never said this out loud to anyone , but I hated those towels . Mostly my clothes were brought to me by my husband , or sometimes one of my brothers would gather some things and bring a bag . I remember chuckling to myself as I pulled out of the bag my daily clothing selection . . . one of Travis ' Houston Rockets t - shirts , and a pair of mens Texas Longhorn sweatpants . My wardrobe wasn 't exactly on the high priority list , at least it was comfortable and clean . Another one of my neighbors one morning went to my house and gathered some make - up and brought it to me . She said she was so worried about how awful I must have felt with no make - up with me at the hospital . I thanked her for thinking of me and thought to myself make - up had not crossed my mind once . Looking back , I can imagine what a sight I must have been . I have very thick frizzy hair that gets really big and crazy when it 's not had lots of products and hair tools working on it . I can imagine between my wardrobe selections , my all natural no make up face , and my Diana Ross hair style , maybe I should have taken the make up gesture a little more seriously . I would try and eat whatever someone brought me , I didn 't actually feel hungry and couldn 't remember most of the time if I had eaten or not . I have always been a lover of food , and my husband would bring me different things from my favorite restaurants in town , hoping my appetite and ability to eat would return . I still had such a hard time chewing and swallowing food . It seeWe would have visitors come everyday . Some from our neighborhood , some from church , family , longtime friends . I could tell how hard it was for people to walk in and see Travis for the first time . You could see the shock and overwhelming sadness on their faces when they would walk in . I loved for them to come . It brought so much peace and comfort to know so many people cared and were thinking about us and praying for Travis and our family . Travis ' vitals and brain pressures had become stabilized but he still was in a coma , still had spinal meningitis and c - diff and all of the complications and symptoms that go along with those issues and his injured brain . He had been quarantined in a private room because the infections he had were contagious . He had so many teams of doctors I began to lose count . There was the pediatric neuro team , the infectious disease team , the physical therapy team , a nutrition team , a respiratory team , and a child life team . They would have meetings every day to discuss the game plan and make sure everyone was on the same page . It was all exhausting . I still couldn 't sleep and I know I was physically run down . It was hard for me to leave Travis ' side and when I would go into the room they had for me , the pillows and blankets had that same hospital towel smell . I would feel sick . I didn 't mention this to anyone , I didn 't want to add worry to our loved ones that were already brimming over with worry about Travis . I desperately wanted to sleep and began to privately add to my prayers for Travis , that I would be able to find a way to get some sleep . I also began to miss my two younger boys Cade , and Rhett . They were four and 15 months at the time . I was used to being with them every part of the day , and I missed them so much it hurt . My friends at church and my neighbors had organized a group of ladies to babysit for them everyday and they would give me the calendar to let me know where they were . I missed taking care of them and giving them their baths and reading to them . I missed putting them to bed and their little hands in mine . I missed our family being under the same roof so much . I remember thinking , I would be happy living in a tent if it meant we could all be together under one roof . I realized during those moments , that is what Heaven is to me . Our family being together . I would email daily usually an update about Travis . People from all over the country and even a few not in our country , from all different faiths sent me messages of encouragement and told me they were praying for Travis . Some people even told me because of Travis they started praying again after years , and others visited their church again for the first time in years . I couldn 't believe the army of people who had banned together to pray for our family . I was always moved to tears every time I would read the emails . People brought us many things that were so appreciated , food , books , bottled water , soothing cd 's , gift cards , gas cards , so many things I couldn 't list them all . One day a dear friend of mine , Pamela McCoy came by to visit . She brought me a gift and handed to me in a large Dillard 's bag . She said " you may think this is a silly gift , but I thought it might come in handy . " In the bag was One large plush yellow towel and several matching hand towels and wash cloths . She said , " Don 't worry , they are clean , I took them home and washed them , and even added some Downy fabric softener " Tears began to roll down my face . I took the soft towels out and breathed in that downy fresh scent . She could have brought me a bag of gold and it wouldn 't have meant more to me than those yellow towels . I will never forget those towels , and the message of love that they were to me . I knew that my prayers were heard . I felt my Savior 's love , I knew that He knew how much I loathed those hospital towels , even though I had never said it out loud . Another day a friend of ours came by the hospital and said he knew someone who had a camper . It was small but thought some of our family that was in town might be able to use it . He brought it to the hospital parking lot and parked it . My Mom and Dad were still in town from Texas , and it was perfect for them to stay in at night . They didn 't have to travel far from the hospital and they could stay close by . One afternoon my Dad looked at me and said " Why don 't you go and take a nap in the camper in the parking lot ? " I had a private bed reserved for me in the hospital , and I had not really left the fourth floor much since we had been there . I didn 't want to be out of range of the hospital intercom in case they needed me for something with Travis . My Mom said she would stay right next to Travis ' bed and my Dad promised he would come and get me if anything came up . I reluctantly agreed . I walked outside of the hospital for the first time since we had walked into it , and the sun seemed unusually bright . It was still spring in Utah , and there was quite a chill in the air . I found the camper in the parking lot and climbed in . It had heavy blankets in it that smelled like a camp fire . I could tell the camper had been used for camping , I could almost smell the woods inside of it . I didn 't know who the camper belonged to , but I could imagine a family in it cooking and playing games . The warmth of the afternoon sun had made the inside of it warm and toasty . I crawled under the big blankets , the smells reminded me of all of the camp outs my Dad had taken us on as kids . The next thing I knew I woke up and it was dark outside . I had been in a deep sleep for hours . The Lord asked us to love one another . He told us that " By this shall men know that ye are my disciples " To this day I don 't know who the camper belonged to . I wish the owners of it knew what an answer to my prayers it was . I will never forget the army of angels that came to our rescue in so many ways . Most of all , I will never forget the One who sent them . I titled the first post I wrote on this blog , " The Day the Angels Came " . Travis ' accident happened twelve years ago on March 20 , 2000 . I gave it this title , because from the moment I received that life changing phone call , I believe that there were angels rallying around me and all of us involved . Some of those angels were EMT 's , some were friends , some were strangers , nurses and family . From my experience , at different times I have felt that there were angels beyond the veil of my sight that were with me . I believe that our Heavenly Father uses all types of " angels " to comfort us when we are going through hard things in life . Some are people we see everyday , some are random people we cross paths with , and some are those that are beyond this life . I believe that they are God 's helpers , and whether it is a neighbor who lives next door , or a grandmother , or loved one who has passed on before us , they are there . They come to help and to comfort , and we are not alone . I hope that as you read this , you will look for the angels in your life , and notice them more often . I hope that you will find ways to be an angel to someone , and be the answer to someones prayer . Last week I was sitting at my youngest son Dallas ' football practice when I received a message from Jessica Mellor . She is the older sister of Derek , and she was also in the car when the accident happened . She said she had written in her journal the events of that fateful day , but had never shared them with anyone . Since I had started this blog , and began sharing what happened she wanted to share them with me . I sat on the sidelines of the football field and read her memories of what happened that day . Tears poured down my face as I read her insights and perceptions of the days events . It pierced me deep that she was just thirteen years old when this happened , and had to go through such a frightening experience . It was hard to imagine the street , the smoke , the blood , the red lights , the sounds and the smells . It gave me comfort to hear about all of the different angels that came to her , in her time of need . I asked her permission to share her words with all of you , and encouraged her to share this with her family first . I am so proud of her for being so brave now , and back then . She was a sweet young girl , and has grown into a beautiful young women . Thank you Jessica for sharing with us . March 20 , 2000 was like any ordinary day after school . It was a Tuesday , I was helping Naomi with a school project until it was time to go to Classic Skating . Now , I never had a deep love for roller blading like Derek and Travis did . Actually , I think they only loved it because it was a social thing . I ran home to make sure my chores and my siblings chores were all done so Dad would let us go as soon as Travis and his cousin , Crissy showed up . All the excitement made Corbin and Nicole jealous , so Dad decided to drive Corbin and Nicole to Classic Skating as soon as he finished up some things . Derek , Travis and I hopped in the blue Mitsubishi Eclipse ( which , at the time was one of my dream cars ! ) We were so excited . Travis , being the gentlemen that he is , offered the front seat to me . I declined because I was shy , I had never met Crissy before , she was a beautiful girl , with a fantastic car and I felt much more comfortable in the back seat next to my brother . Derek put all our skates in the seat next to him , he sat in the middle and I was behind Travis . Travis chatted away as usual , adjusting the radio station to something " cool " ! As we are making our way to State Street I began to have an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach . For some reason , I no longer wanted to go to Classic Skating and I didn 't know why . The light turned yellow and I felt the car accelerate a little and then slam on the brakes , when I looked up slightly scared , I saw a suburban crossing in front of us . We would have collided if Crissy hadn 't hit the brakes . Then , to surprise us all , a small white truck followed the suburban into the intersection . It felt like a dream . A really bad dream . I smelled a smell I had never smelt before nor could I describe . My body felt rigid and heavy . I had a pain in my back and my knees . I looked around ; it was foggy , like smoke , but didn 't smell like smoke . I couldn 't see anything outside to my right except darkness . I looked to my left and saw Derek . I could barely make out his eyes because his face Posted by Primary Children 's Medical Center became our home , the pediatric intensive care unit would be where we spent most of our time in our new home . The hospital was an interesting place , almost like a Universe that you didn 't know existed until you accidentally fell into it 's galaxy . Sickness and pain are hard to watch in anyone , but when it 's children that are suffering , and suffering children are all around you , it 's life changing . There is really not words to describe what it 's like to be in a community of suffering , broken , tattered little angels everywhere . The most delicate of those broken angels were in the PICU with Travis . The PICU was a long corridor with beds lining each side of the room . They were open except for a curtain that could be pulled around the patient for privacy . I was a little surprised at how visible each child was , and how close we all were to each other . Since our stay , they have built individual rooms , but when we were there , it was all open . There was a tangible feeling in the room , almost like it was a holy or sacred place . Actually , exactly like it was holy and sacred . My husband had a hard time walking in the unit . It was almost unbearable for him to see such suffering all around us , and to be helpless . For me , I didn 't seem to notice the other children so much until Travis ' brain pressure 's and fever had began to stabilize somewhat . Travis was still in a coma , still had spinal meningitis , still in very critical condition , but he was at least not getting worse . It was then that I began to be aware of the others around us . People that would impact me and I will remember all of my life . There was the three year old girl that was playing in the bathtub and slipped under the water for a little bit too long . She too had a brain injury and was in a coma . She had young teenage parents who elected to take her off the breathing machine , she was expected not to make it . Her parents left and never came back . She did make it . She breathed on her own and her heart continued to beat with no family aThere was the boy next to us that came in during the night . He was around 13 or 14 maybe with almost white hair and freckles . He was playing in his football game and collapsed on the field . He was brought in and it had been discovered that he was in advanced stages of leukemia . He was also in a coma . He was beautiful and looked like a linebacker angel with freckles lying there . I wanted to hold him . We prayed for him , his family prayed for Travis . There was the 14 year old girl who came in with a head injury and broken bones and punctures to her lungs . She was playing in her front yard , when a reckless care spun out of control and hit her while she was playing . She had a similar brain injury to Travis and I began checking on her frequently to see how she was doing . Her sweet family also began checking on Travis frequently and we began to pray together each day for our children and the others in the hospital . Each day she seemed to get worse , and her parents heart along with mine was breaking . My parents had come from Texas to be with us , and they seemed to find a comforting presence in my Dad . They would ask him to come and pray over her each day , which he did . After several weeks , her delicate lungs gave up . She stopped suffering , and our friends were no longer residents with us at the hospital . There is not words to express the sadness I felt that this little angel hadn 't made it . I also didn 't have a chance to say goodbye to her family before they left , and I hadn 't thought to get any contact information from them . The next couple of days I thought about them throughout the day and night and wished I could be at their daughters funeral . I was so worried about how they were doing . It was reported about on the news , and I was at least able to hear a little bit about it . The next day I was sitting by Travis ' bed listening to the sound of the ventilator and in walks her family . They came to check on Travis , and to see how WE were doing . A few days later I was walking in the PICU , punching in my code to open the doors and I heard the words in my mind to " smile , and be of good cheer " I was still sleeping less than a couple of hours a night , and still could barely eat any food . I certainly didn 't feel like smiling . I thought it was kind of an odd thought to have . Suddenly the past few weeks passed through my mind as I walked through the doors and I realized all of the small milestones Travis had made . One little miracle after another . How each time I thought I might not be able to handle it , I would be calmed , feel at peace . I thought about all of the kindness of others that had been given to my family . I thought about how much love I had for my husband and each of our children . I didn 't think I had the capacity to love my family more , but since the day of Travis ' accident my heart grew , and I loved them a thousand times more than I did the day before . I had a smile on my face . I went in and sat by Travis and put my hand on his . I noticed a young couple , with their tiny little peanut newborn were next to us . Their brand new baby girl had a big hole in her heart and was going into surgery shortly , for the first of many operations she would have to have on her tiny little heart . I spoke with her Mom briefly , but they left shortly after for the surgery . Late that evening they were back with their tiny angel , and she came up to me and hugged me . I was a little surprised . Tears began to run down her face . She explained that she had been struggling that morning and was having a hard time having any faith , she felt angry with God , wondering how he could let something so awful happen to her baby . She told me she had prayed for help and said she heard the words in her mind to " smile and be of good cheer . " She said she thought she was crazy and didn 't feel like smiling . She said she looked up and saw me sitting next to my sons bed , holding his hand with a smile on my face . She said immediately a warmth came over her and she felt at peace that everything was going to be o . k . She thanked me again for smiling . I have read the stories of Jesus since I was a little girl . My Grandmother Sally used to tell me a story about Jesus walking on water and calming the waves in a storm . She told me about Him walking the streets of Galilee , and healing the sick . I didn 't know that one day I would be in my own drowning storms , and sinking , at different times in my life . I didn 't know I would be desperate for that same healing balm of Gilead that was given so many years ago . I have learned during my stay in the PICU , that He still calms storms . We arrived at Primary Children 's Medical Center in Salt Lake City , and were guided to the fourth floor where the operating room and the pediatric intensive care unit are . We took the over sized stainless steel elevator to get there . It 's doors opened to an all white floor and white walls . I immediately noticed hair all over the floor . We got off the elevator and turned the corner to find our son being wheeled down the hallway on his way to the operating room . There was an O . R . team prepping him while they wheeled him , and they were shaving his head . There were three doctors walking with them , and one turned to me and introduced himself as Dr . Brockmeyer , a pediatric neurosurgeon , and informed me they didn 't have to time to wait for us to arrive they had to move forward with surgery quickly to attempt to save Travis ' life . He then asked me " Is this a a bicycle , scooter , or a skateboard accident ? " I said " neither " He didn 't say anything and turned and walked through the doors and left us standing there . A hospital staff member took us to a small private room with a few chairs , no windows , and a desk with a telephone sitting on it . My husband and our friend Andrew and myself sat quietly for over an hour . Andrew left to go and get us something to drink . My husbands parents were trying to reach us and he stepped out of the room to get better cell phone reception . I was sitting there alone when Dr . Brockmeyer walked through the door with the other surgeons . He told me they had just performed a left craniotomy on Travis , also known as a bone flap . They had removed the left side of his skull to give his brain room to swell , so that the pressure from the inflammation does not create more damage to the brain . He was very soft spoken , kind and business like . He told me Travis had a 50 / 50 chance to live through the night . He told me that if he did live , and if he came ever came out of the coma , he would be in a vegetative state , he had a substantial amount of trauma to his brain and there was some bleeding also . He seemed to have a sadness in his eyes , but was very matter of fact . While he was saying these words I could hear everything he was saying , but in my mind I heard the words " Travis will live , and he will be made whole . " He was a tall slender man , and he had a gentleness about him . He shook my hand and they walked out . Alone again , in the cold windowless room with the phone , I thought that my knees were going to buckle underneath me . Once again , the warmth came , the peaceful feeling I had felt previously wrapped itself around my body . I was calm . At this point it was late in the night , and eventually we were brought into the PICU to see Travis . He was a sight to behold . Part of his head was shaved , he had staples in a moon shape from the back of his neck to across the top of his head . He had a feeding tube inserted through his nose . He was on a ventilator . There were wires and tubes everywhere . He wasn 't wearing anything but cloth covering his mid - section and I could see his tan skin . I looked him over and I noticed there was no other bruises , no cuts , no scrapes . He had no broken bones , and not a single mark on him other than the one the doctors had just created . The nurses informed us he was in a medically induced coma so his brain could have very little activity in order to heal . The ventilator was breathing for him , and he may or may not come out of the coma and breathe on his own . We Had friends who kept our small children and my husband and I spent the first of many nights at the hospital . They gave me a small room that was more like a closet with a small twin bed in to sleep in . They had 5 of these small rooms , and they gave the most critically injured children 's parents those rooms . My name was first on the list and I was given room # 1 . Each night I would dread being assigned that room , first on the list , reminding me how critical my son was . The other parents slept in the waiting room all together , which would become very packed at night . Every chair and inch of floor space had a parent or family member sleeping somewhere on it . My husband kissed my forehead and gave me the small bed and he joined ranks with the " campers " out in the waiting room . Neither of us slept , I took about 30 minutes and rested on the bed , but went back in to be by Travis ' side . Every hour I would look at the clock and feel like it was a little victory that he had made it through the hour . I continued to pray in my mind that he would live , he would be blessed , the doctors would know what to do . I wanted the Great Physician to heal him and take all of this away . Finally after what seemed like countless hours , the first rays of sunshine came through the hospital windows . Travis was still alive . Through the night his brain pressure continued to get worse and they decided to do another procedure called a lumbar puncture where they insert a hole in your lower spinal canal to relieve pressure . They shaved another section of his head and put a large metal bolt that would measure more accurately brain pressure . It looked like a giant spark plug coming out of his forehead . Travis continued to live from one hour to the next but each hour that passed seemed to bring with it more complications . He developed a very high fever . His brain pressure continued to go up . His blood pressure continued to go up and then fall very quickly . He developed a severe case of " C diff " short for a very long word that causes severe abdominal After several days of his vitals and brain pressures and fevers being on a constant roller coaster , and continuing to get worse , one day it occurred to me that maybe Travis was scared , upset or confused about what was going on . Maybe he was hurting somewhere , or he was itching and couldn 't scratch . Maybe there was something going on emotionally within him , and that is why perhaps he wasn 't getting better . I started to softly ask him in his ear these questions and if there was something he wanted to know . The nurse reminded me that his ear drums are paralyzed by the medications and he can 't hear any sounds . I continued to talk to him quietly and told him " I know you can 't talk to me , and I can 't hear you , but if there is something you need , or need to know , ask Heavenly Father in your mind . He can hear you , even though I can 't . " A tear rolled down his cheek as I whispered to him . A few seconds later I had the thought in my mind to tell him about his best friend Derek that was in the accident with him . I let him know he was cut pretty bad on his head , and his neck was really sore , he would be out of school and baseball for a while , but that he was going to be o . k . He was actually getting getting out of the hospital later that day and wanted to come straight to the hospital to see Travis . Within a few minutes of me telling Travis all about Derek and what happened to him in the accident his fever started to break . His brain pressures started gradually declining . His heart rate and blood pressure evened out . His oxygen levels came up . Kristi his nurse , who was another angel to Travis and to me , suggested that I go try and sleep , and assured me she would send for me if there was any change good or bad . I didn 't think I could , but I slept for 45 minutes , it felt like 8 hours of sleep to me . Later that afternoon Derek arrived with his family with his face all stitched and scabbed up and wearing a neck brace . It was so good to see him , I was so glad he was up walking and going to be o . k . Within a few minutes of him being next to Travis ' bed , Travis ' brain pressures went to the lowest they had been , and continued to normalize from that point forward . I didn 't know if Travis would ever breathe on his own . I didn 't know if his eyes would open and he would look at me ever again . I didn 't know if I would ever hear him call me " Mom " again . One thing that I did know for sure , is that our Heavenly Father really is there . He really is listening , He really does hear and answers a child 's prayers , even if they can 't say them out loud . I know He is near , and I know He answers His children 's prayers , even if they are in their thirties and doubting that He 's there . It was an ordinary day to us . The first day of spring baseball had come on a crisp March afternoon . We had anticipated this day for a while since Travis had been " highly recruited " by the city league baseball coaches . We had lived in Utah for a year and Travis had played the previous season , he was 10 . The coaches had moved him up to a 12 year old team the previous year , which made quite a stir from a few parents , and then he made the All - star team , which created even more of a stir , since their were other parents who thought their sons were much more qualified . My husband and I have never involved ourselves much with sports teams politics , so we didn 't think much about it . Travis just loved to play the game , and he was extremely good . He was good at more than baseball . . . things always came easy to him . He never studied and made straight A 's , he didn 't practice too much and would play his piano pieces beautifully at his recitals , he seemed to make instant friends wherever he went , he had always been an easy child . The Afternoon finally arrived and I took my two little ones to sit out on the lawn to watch . I remember sitting on a blanket and feeling the cool grass on my feet while Cade and Rhett jumped around and pretended to be baseball players . The first drill which was sprints started . Travis one every sprint . The next drill . . the team lined up in pairs , the two players that could throw the most throws in a timed period . Travis and his partner won . He went down a line of partners each time he and the partner he was with won . Wow , I knew he was good , but I didn 't know he was that good , I remember thinking . Batting practice . . . smash , one after the other into the outfield , line drive . Practice ended . His coach came over and shook my hand and told me how excited he was to have Travis on his team . He was also the high school baseball coach , he told me he thought it was going to be a great year . Travis and his best friend Derryk ran out in the parking lot to meet my cousin Crissy who was attending college near by . They hopped in the car with her and Derek 's sister to head to the roller rink . I really didn 't want Travis to go . . . I told him it was a school night , maybe he better not . " I 've already done my homework and it 's early Mom ! " I really couldn 't think of any other reasons for him not to go , so I hesitantly agreed . I remember thinking to say everyone buckle up . . . but they rolled up the window and zoomed off , before I could get the words out . The phone rang and it was Derek 's Dad . The words came out of the phone and it seemed as if the air in the atmosphere changed at the same time . " There 's been an accident , the kids are at the hospital , everyone is hurt . You need to get there fast . " I arranged for someone to stay with the little ones and I rushed to the hospital , it was a few minutes away . I walked into the ER and saw Derek , there was lots of blood everywhere , his eyes were open he was alert . I could hear high pitched shrieks and followed the sound . I saw Travis in a room with numerous doctors and nurses frantically rushing around him . I sensed the gravity of the situation . I went to his side and spoke to him " Travis ! It 's Mom ! can you hear me ? More shrieks and his eyes rolling back in his head . . . I plead with him to answer . He looked gray to me . I knew he was teetering between life and death . No one had to tell me how serious the situation was . I knew . A nurse came and told me they had to do a brain scan and took me to a small room with no windows and a telephone sitting on the desk . I later learned that was where they took the people that might have to inform their loved ones of a death . I called my husband and told him to come quickly , that is all the words I could say . I hung up the phone and fell to my knees . The words poured out of my heart . I told the Lord that if He had a reason to call Travis home , Travis was so couragous , he wouldn 't hesitate ! He would go wherever the Lord wanted him to go . I told the Lord I wanted Travis to live and I wanted him to be with our family and grow up and I wanted to continue to raise him ! My heart was breaking as I told the Lord I knew it had to be His will . Travis would want it to be the Lords will , whatever that may be . As soon as I said these words an undiscribable peace and warmth came over me . I heard the words in my mind that I had read many times in the bible " Be still and know that I am God " I felt calm . My husband and I had a quick moment for him and his business partner , who was also a good friend give Travis a blessing and say a prayer before we left . I stood with them and listened , not able to speak , but feeling unusually calm , and listened . Again , the warmth came . My soul felt still . The ER team turned Travis over to the life flight team . They seemed like Angels to me in their red suits . The sound of the helicopter was loud , and the wind was strong as it landed . They loaded my sweet boy who just recently had won every drill on that baseball diamond , into the helicopter . My heart broke as they informed me there was no room for anyone else , since they needed all of their crew on board to keep Travis alive . The air became hard to breathe . I stood there and watched the helicopter fly over the mountain with my boy in it . I thought I might collapse . I will never forget the sound it made flying away . My husband 's partner , Andrew drove us to the hospital . We had to drive AROUND the mountain instead of over . I 'm not sure why but I got in the back seat . I wanted to yell for him to GO FASTER ! ! ! , but no words would come . I couldn 't speak . Again I felt warm and at peace . In my mind I could see my Grandmother Sally who had passed away a few years earlier sitting next to me . I could see in my mind her patting my hand and telling me it was going to be ok . I felt at peace . That 45 minute car ride was the longest ride of my life . The days on the calendar continue to pass by . I close my eyes at night wishing that all of my children were asleep in their beds . It n . . . Travis continued to breathe on his own . It was so nice to see his face without a big tube in the middle of it . He still was barely open . . . It was an ordinary day to us . The first day of spring baseball had come on a crisp March afternoon . We had anticipated this day for a whil . . .

On January 27 , 2016 By John C NashIn The Tales All of these old paperback books I keep harping on about have been a part of my life for the last thirty five years or so . The stories in them are so familiar to me that I sometimes forget that they might be fresh to others . So , each Wednesday I thought I 'd share some of my favourites ( at least , the out of copyright ones ) , illustrated with photographs from an even bigger part of my life , Samantha Webster . Today I thought we 'd go for an undisputed classic of the genre . Who better to turn to for this than M . R . James ? This one was filmed as part of the BBC 's ' A Ghost Story for Christmas ' run in 1972 with the wonderful Peter Vaughan taking the lead . The place on the east coast which the reader is asked to consider is Seaburgh . It is not very different now from what I remember it to have been when I was a child . Marshes intersected by dykes to the south , recalling the early chapters of Great Expectations ; flat fields to the north , merging into heath ; heath , fir woods , and , above all , gorse , inland . A long sea - front and a street : behind that a spacious church of flint , with a broad , solid western tower and a peal of six bells . How well I remember their sound on a hot Sunday in August , as our party went slowly up the white , dusty slope of road towards them , for the church stands at the top of a short , steep incline . They rang with a flat clacking sort of sound on those hot days , but when the air was softer they were mellower too . The railway ran down to its little terminus farther along the same road . There was a gay white windmill just before you came to the station , and another down near the shingle at the south end the town , and yet others on higher ground to the north . There were cottages of bright red brick with slate roofs … but why do I encumber you with these commonplace details ? The fact is that they come crowding to the point of the pencil when it begins to write of Seaburgh . I should like to be sure that I had allowed the right ones to get on to the paper . But I forgot . I have not quite done with the word - painting business yet . Walk away from the sea and the town , pass the station , and turn up the road on the right . It is a sandy road , parallel with the railway , and if you follow it , it climbs to somewhat higher ground . On your left ( you are now going northward ) is heath , on your right ( the side towards the sea ) is a belt of old firs , wind - beaten , thick at the top , with the slope that old seaside trees have ; seen on the skyline from the train they would tell you in an instant , if you did not know it , that you were approaching a windy coast . Well , at the top of my little hill , a line of these firs strikes out and runs towards the sea , for there is a ridge that goes that way ; and the ridge ends in a rather well - defined mound commanding the level fields of rough grass , and a little knot of fir trees crowns it . And here you may sit on a hot spring day , very well content to look at blue sea , white windmills , red cottages , bright green grass , church tower , and distant martello tower on the south . As I have said , I began to know Seaburgh as a child ; but a gap of a good many years separates my early knowledge from that which is more recent . Still it keeps its place in my affections , and any tales of it that I pick up have an interest for me . One such tale is this : it came to me in a place very remote from Seaburgh , and quite accidentally , from a man whom I had been able to oblige - enough in his opinion to justify his making me his confidant to this extent . I know all that country more or less ( he said ) . I used to go to Seaburgh pretty regularly for golf in the spring . I generally put up at the ' Bear ' , with a friend - Henry Long it was , you knew him perhaps - ( ' Slightly , ' I said ) and we used to take a sitting - room and be very happy there . Since he died I haven 't cared to go there . And I don 't know that I should anyhow after the particular thing that happened on our last visit . It was in April , 19 - , we were there , and by some chance we were almost the only people in the hotel . So the ordinary public rooms were practically empty , and we were the more surprised when , after dinner , our sitting - room door opened , and a young man put his head in . We were aware of this young man . He was rather a rabbity anaemic subject - light hair and light eyes - but not unpleasing . So when he said : ' I beg your pardon , is this a private room ? ' we did not growl and say : ' Yes , it is , ' but Long said , or I did - no matter which : ' Please come in . ' ' Oh , may I ? ' he said , and seemed relieved . Of course it was obvious that he wanted company ; and as he was a reasonable kind of person - not the sort to bestow his whole family history on you - we urged him to make himself at home . ' I dare say you find the other rooms rather bleak , ' I said . Yes , he did : but it was really too good of us , and so on . That being got over , he made some pretense of reading a book . Long was playing Patience , I was writing . It became plain to me after a few minutes that this visitor of ours was in rather a state of fidgets or nerves , which communicated itself to me , and so I put away my writing and turned to at engaging him in talk . After some remarks , which I forget , he became rather confidential . ' You 'll think it very odd of me ' ( this was the sort of way he began ) , ' but the fact is I 've had something of a shock . ' Well , I recommended a drink of some cheering kind , and we had it . The waiter coming in made an interruption ( and I thought our young man seemed very jumpy when the door opened ) , but after a while he got back to his woes again . There was nobody he knew in the place , and he did happen to know who we both were ( it turned out there was some common acquaintance in town ) , and really he did want a word of advice , if we didn 't mind . Of course we both said : ' By all means , ' or ' Not at all , ' and Long put away his cards . And we settled down to hear what his difficulty was . ' It began , ' he said , ' more than a week ago , when I bicycled over to Froston , only about five or six miles , to see the church ; I 'm very much interested in architecture , and it 's got one of those pretty porches with niches and shields . I took a photograph of it , and then an old man who was tidying up in the churchyard came and asked if I 'd care to look into the church . I said yes , and he produced a key and let me in . There wasn 't much inside , but I told him it was a nice little church , and he kept it very clean , " But , " I said , " the porch is the best part of it . " We were just outside the porch then , and he said , " Ah , yes , that is a nice porch ; and do you know , sir , what 's the meanin ' of that coat of arms there ? " ' " Well , then , " he said , " for all you 're a scholard , I can tell you something you don 't know . Them 's the three ' oly crowns what was buried in the ground near by the coast to keep the Germans from landing - ah , I can see you don 't believe that . But I tell you , if it hadn 't have been for one of them ' oly crowns bein ' there still , them Germans would a landed here time and again , they would . Landed with their ships , and killed man , woman and child in their beds . Now then , that 's the truth what I 'm telling you , that is ; and if you don 't believe me , you ast the rector . There he comes : you ast him , I says . " ' Then I put in a word to say how much I should like to hear all about it , and before many minutes I was walking up the village street with the rector , who had one or two words to say to parishioners , and then to the rectory , where he took me into his study . He had made out , on the way , that I really was capable of taking an intelligent interest in a piece of folklore , and not quite the ordinary tripper . So he was very willing to talk , and it is rather surprising to me that the particular legend he told me has not made its way into print before . His account of it was this : " There has always been a belief in these parts in the three holy crowns . The old people say they were buried in different places near the coast to keep off the Danes or the French or the Germans . And they say that one of the three was dug up a long time ago , and another has disappeared by the encroaching of the sea , and one 's still left doing its work , keeping off invaders . Well , now , if you have read the ordinary guides and histories of this county , you will remember perhaps that in 1687 a crown , which was said to be the crown of Redwald , King of the East Angles , was dug up at Rendlesham , and alas ! alas ! melted down before it was even properly described or drawn . Well , Rendlesham isn 't on the coast , but it isn 't so very far inland , and it 's on a very important line of access . And I believe that is the crown which the people mean when they say that one has been dug up . Then on the south you don 't want me to tell you where there was a Saxon royal palace which is now under the sea , eh ? Well , there was the second crown , I take it . And up beyond these two , they say , lies the third . " ' " To be sure , " he said , " now that 's another curious story . These Agers it 's a very old name in these parts , but I can 't find that they were ever people of quality or big owners these Agers say , or said , that their branch of the family were the guardians of the last crown . A certain old Nathaniel Ager was the first one I knew - I was born and brought up quite near here - and he , I believe , camped out at the place during the whole of the war of 1870 . William , his son , did the same , I know , during the South African War . And young William , his son , who has only died fairly recently , took lodgings at the cottage nearest the spot ; and I 've no doubt hastened his end , for he was a consumptive , by exposure and night watching . And he was the last of that branch . It was a dreadful grief to him to think that he was the last , but he could do nothing , the only relations at all near to him were in the colonies . I wrote letters for him to them imploring them to come over on business very important to the family , but there has been no answer . So the last of the holy crowns , if it 's there , has no guardian now . " ' That was what the rector told me , and you can fancy how interesting I found it . The only thing I could think of when I left him was how to hit upon the spot where the crown was supposed to be . I wish I 'd left it alone . ' But there was a sort of fate in it , for as I bicycled back past the churchyard wall my eye caught a fairly new gravestone , and on it was the name of William Ager . Of course I got off and read it . It said " of this parish , died at Seaburgh , 19 - , aged 28 . " ' There it was , you see . A little judicious questioning in the right place , and I should at least find the cottage nearest the spot . Only I didn 't quite know what was the right place to begin my questioning at . Again there was fate : it took me to the curiosity - shop down that way - you know - and I turned over some old books , and , if you please , one was a prayer - book of 1740 odd , in a rather handsome binding - I 'll just go and get it , it 's in my room . ' ' You see , ' he said , ' anybody would call it the greatest bit of luck . I did , but I don 't now . Of course I asked the shopman about William Ager , and of course he happened to remember that he lodged in a cottage in the North Field and died there . This was just chalking the road for me . I knew which the cottage must be : there is only one sizable one about there . The next thing was to scrape some sort of acquaintance with the people , and I took a walk that way at once . A dog did the business for me : he made at me so fiercely that they had to run out and beat him off , and then naturally begged my pardon , and we got into talk . I had only to bring up Ager 's name , and pretend I knew , or thought I knew something of him , and then the woman said how sad it was him dying so young , and she was sure it came of him spending the night out of doors in the cold weather . Then I had to say : " Did he go out on the sea at night ? " and she said : " Oh , no , it was on the hillock yonder with the trees on it . " And there I was . ' I know something about digging in these barrows : I 've opened many of them in the down country . But that was with owner 's leave , and in broad daylight and with men to help . I had to prospect very carefully here before I put a spade in : I couldn 't trench across the mound , and with those old firs growing there I knew there would be awkward tree roots . Still the soil was very light and sandy and easy , and there was a rabbit hole or so that might be developed into a sort of tunnel . The going out and coming back at odd hours to the hotel was going to be the awkward part . When I made up my mind about the way to excavate I told the people that I was called away for a night , and I spent it out there . I made my tunnel : I won 't bore you with the details of how I supported it and filled it in when I 'd done , but the main thing is that I got the crown . ' Naturally we both broke out into exclamations of surprise and interest . I for one had long known about the finding of the crown at Rendlesham and had often lamented its fate . No one has ever seen an Anglo - Saxon crown - at least no one had . But our man gazed at us with a rueful eye . ' Yes , ' he said , ' and the worst of it is I don 't know how to put it back . ' ' Put it back ? ' we cried out . ' Why , my dear sir , you 've made one of the most exciting finds ever heard of in this country . Of course it ought to go to the Jewel House at the Tower . What 's your difficulty ? If you 're thinking about the owner of the land , and treasure - trove , and all that , we can certainly help you through . Nobody 's going to make a fuss about technicalities in a case of this kind . ' At last Long said : ' You 'll forgive me , I hope , if I seem impertinent , but are you quite sure you 've got it ? ' I was wanting to ask much the same question myself , for of course the story did seem a lunatic 's dream when one thought over it . But I hadn 't quite dared to say what might hurt the poor young man 's feelings . However , he took it quite calmly - really , with the calm of despair , you might say . He sat up and said : ' Oh , yes , there 's no doubt of that : I have it here , in my room , locked up in my bag . You can come and look at it if you like : I won 't offer to bring it here . ' We were not likely to let the chance slip . We went with him ; his room was only a few doors off . The boots was just collecting shoes in the passage : or so we thought : afterwards we were not sure . Our visitor - his name was Paxton - was in a worse state of shivers than before , and went hurriedly into the room , and beckoned us after him , turned on the light , and shut the door carefully . Then he unlocked his kit - bag , and produced a bundle of clean pocket - handkerchiefs in which something was wrapped , laid it on the bed , and undid it . I can now say I have seen an actual Anglo - Saxon crown . It was of silver - as the Rendlesham one is always said to have been - it was set with some gems , mostly antique intaglios and cameos , and was of rather plain , almost rough workmanship . In fact , it was like those you see on the coins and in the manuscripts . I found no reason to think it was later than the ninth century . I was intensely interested , of course , and I wanted to turn it over in my hands , but Paxton prevented me . ' Don 't you touch it , ' he said , ' I 'll do that . ' And with a sigh that was , I declare to you , dreadful to hear , he took it up and turned it about so that we could see every part of it . ' Seen enough ? ' he said at last , and we nodded . He wrapped it up and locked it in his bag , and stood looking at us dumbly . ' Come back to our room , ' Long said , ' and tell us what the trouble is . ' He thanked us , and said : ' Will you go first and see if - if the coast is clear ? ' That wasn 't very intelligible , for our proceedings hadn 't been , after all , very suspicious , and the hotel , as I said , was practically empty . However , we were beginning to have inklings of - we didn 't know what , and anyhow nerves are infectious . So we did go , first peering out as we opened the door , and fancying ( I found we both had the fancy ) that a shadow , or more than a shadow - but it made no sound - passed from before us to one side as we came out into the passage . ' It 's all right , ' we whispered to Paxton ' What is to be done ? ' was his opening . L ng thought it right ( as he explained to me afterwards ) to be obtuse , and said : ' Why not find out who the owner of the land is , and inform - ' Oh , no , no ! ' P xton broke in impatiently , ' I beg your pardon : you 've been very kind , but don 't you see it 's got to go back , and I daren 't be there at night , and daytime 's impossible . P rhaps , though , you don 't see : well , then , the truth is that I 've never been alone since I touched it . ' I was beginning some fairly stupid comment , but Long caught my eye , and I stopped . L ng said : ' I think I do see , perhaps : but wouldn 't it be a relief - to tell us a little more clearly what the situation is ? ' n Then it all came out : Paxton looked over his shoulder and beckoned to us to come nearer to him , and began speaking in a low voice : we listened most intently , of course , and compared notes afterwards , and I wrote down our version , so I am confident I have what he told us almost word for word . He said : ' It began when I was first prospecting , and put me off again and again . There was always somebody - a man - standing by one of the firs . This was in daylight , you know . He was never in front of me . I always saw him with the tail of my eye on the left or the right , and he was never there when I looked straight for him . I would lie down for quite a long time and take careful observations , and make sure there was no one , and then when I got up and began prospecting again , there he was . And he began to give me hints , besides ; for wherever I put that prayer - book - short of locking it up , which I did at last - when I came back to my loom it was always out on my table open at the fly - leaf where the names are , and one of my razors across it to keep it open . I 'm sure he just can 't open my bag , or something more would have happened . You see , he 's light and weak , but all the same I daren 't face him . Well , then , when I was making the tunnel , of course it was worse , and if I hadn 't been so keen I should have dropped the whole thing and run . It was like someone scraping at my back all the time : I thought for a long time it was only soil dropping on me , but as I got nearer the - the crown , it was unmistakable . And when I actually laid it bare and got my fingers into the ring of it and pulled it out , there came a sort of cry behind me - oh , I can 't tell you how desolate it was ! And horribly threatening too . It spoilt all my pleasure in my find - cut it off that moment . And if I hadn 't been the wretched fool I am , I should have put the thing back and left it . But I didn 't . The rest of the time was just awful . I had hours to get through before I could decently come back to the hotel . First I spent time fWe didn 't know what to say , but we felt we must come to the rescue somehow , and so - it really seemed the only thing - we said if he was so set on putting the crown back in its place , we would help him . And I must say that after what we had heard it did seem the right thing . If these horrid consequences had come on this poor man , might there not really be something in the original idea of the crown having some curious power bound up with it , to guard the coast ? At least , that was my feeling , and I think it was Long 's too . Our offer was very welcome to Paxton , anyhow . When could we do it ? It was nearing half - past ten . Could we contrive to make a late walk plausible to the hotel people that very night ? We looked out of the window : there was a brilliant full moon - the Paschal moon . Long undertook to tackle the boots and propitiate him . He was to say that we should not be much over the hour , and if we did find it so pleasant that we stopped out a bit longer we would see that he didn 't lose by sitting up . Well , we were pretty regular customers of the hotel , and did not give much trouble , and were considered by the servants to be not under the mark in the way of tips ; and so the boots was propitiated , and let us out on to the sea - front , and remained , as we heard later , looking after us . Paxton had a large coat over his arm , under which was the wrapped - up crown . So we were off on this strange errand before we had time to think how very much out of the way it was . I have told this part quite shortly on purpose , for it really does represent the haste with which we settled our plan and took action . ' The shortest way is up the hill and through the churchyard , ' Paxton said , as we stood a moment before , the hotel looking up and down the front . There was nobody about - nobody at all . Seaburgh out of the season is an early , quiet place . ' We can 't go along the dyke by the cottage , because of the dog , ' Paxton also said , when I pointed to what I thought a shorter way along the front and across two fields . The reason he gave was good enough . We went up the road to the church , and turned in at the churchyard gate . I confess to having thought that there might be some one lying there who might be conscious of our business : but if it was so , they were also conscious that one who was on their side , so to say , had us under surveillance , and we saw no sign of them . But under observation we felt we were , as I have never felt it at another time . Specially was it so when we passed out of the churchyard into a narrow path with close high hedges , through which we hurried as Christian did through that Valley ; and so got out into open fields . Then along hedges , though I world sooner have been in the open , where I could see if anyone was visible behind me ; over a gate or two , and then a swerve to the left , taking us up on to the ridge which ended in that mound . As we neared it , Henry Long felt , and I felt too , that there were what I can only call dim presences waiting for us , as well as a far more actual one attending us . Of Paxton 's agitation all this time I can give you no adequate picture : he breathed like a hunted beast , and we could not either of us look at his face . How he would manage when we got to the very place we had not troubled to think : he had seemed so sure that that would not be difficult . Nor was it . I never saw anything like the dash with which he flung himself at a particular spot in the side of the mound , and tore at it , so that in a very few minutes the greater part of his body was out of sight . We stood holding the coat and that bundle of handkerchiefs , and looking , very fearfully , I must admit , about us . There was nothing to be seen : a line of dark firs behind us made one skyline , more trees and the church tower half a mile off on the right , cottages and a windmill on the horizon on the left , calm sea dead in front , faint barking of a dog at a cottage on a gleaming dyke between us and it : full moon making that path we know across the sea : the eternal whisper of the Scotch firs just above us , and of the sea in front . Yet , in all this quiet , an acute , an acrid consciousness of a restrained hostility very near us , like a dog on a leash that might be let go at any moment . Paxton pulled himself out of the hole , and stretched a hand back to us . ' Give it to me , ' he whispered , ' unwrapped . ' We pulled off the handkerchiefs , and he took the crown . The moonlight just fell on it as he snatched it . We had not ourselves touched that bit of metal , and I have thought since that it was just as well . In another moment Paxton was out of the hole again and busy shovelling back the soil with hands that were already bleeding He would have none of our help though It was much the longest part of the job to get the place to look undisturbed yet - I don 't know how - he made a wonderful success of it . At last he was satisfied and we turned back . We were a couple of hundred yards from the hill when Long suddenly said to him : ' I say you 've left your coat there . That won 't do . See ? ' And I certainly did see it - the long dark overcoat lying where the tunnel had been . Paxton had not stopped , however : he only shook his head , and held up the coat on his arm . And when we joined him , he said , without any excitement , but as if nothing mattered any more : ' That wasn 't my coat . ' And , indeed , when we looked back again , that dark thing was not to be seen . Well , we got out on to the road , and came rapidly back that way . It was well before twelve when we got in , trying to put a good face on it , and saying - Long and I - what a lovely night it was for a walk . The boots was on the look - out for us , and we made remarks like that for his edification as we entered the hotel . He gave another look up and down the sea - front before he locked the front door , and said : ' You didn 't meet many people about , I s ' pose , sir ? ' ' No , indeed , not a soul , ' I said ; at which I remember Paxton looked oddly at me . ' Only I thought I see someone turn up the station road after you gentlemen , ' said the boots . ' Still , you was three together , and I don 't suppose he meant mischief . ' I didn 't know what to say ; Long merely said ' Good night , ' and we went off upstairs , promising to turn out all lights , and to go to bed in a few minutes . Back in our room , we did our very best to make Paxton take a cheerful view . There 's the crown safe back , ' we said ; ' very likely you 'd have done better not to touch it ' ( and he heavily assented to that ) , ' but no real harm has been done , and we shall never give this away to anyone who would be so mad as to go near it . Besides , don 't you feel better yourself ? I don 't mind confessing , ' I said , ' that on the way there I was very much inclined to take your view about - well , about being followed ; but going back , it wasn 't at all the same thing , was it ? ' No , it wouldn 't do : ' You 've nothing to trouble yourselves about , ' he said , ' but I 'm not forgiven . I 've got to pay for that miserable sacrilege still . I know what you are going to say . The Church might help . Yes , but it 's the body that has to suffer . It 's true I 'm not feeling that he 's waiting outside for me just now . But - ' Then he stopped . Then he turned to thanking us , and we put him off as soon as we could . And naturally we pressed him to use our sitting - room next day , and said we should be glad to go out with him . Or did he play golf , perhaps ? Yes , he did , but he didn 't think he should care about that tomorrow . Well , we recommended him to get up late and sit in our room in the morning while we were playing , and we would have a walk later in the day . He was very submissive and piano about it all : ready to do just what we thought best , but clearly quite certain in his own mind that what was coming could not be averted or palliated . You 'll wonder why we didn 't insist on accompanying him to his home and seeing him safe into the care of brothers or someone . The fact was he had nobody . He had had a flat in town , but lately he had made up his mind to settle for a time in Sweden , and he had dismantled his flat and shipped off his belongings , and was whiling away a fortnight or three weeks before he made a start . Anyhow , we didn 't see what we could do better than sleep on it - or not sleep very much , as was my caseWe felt very different , Long and I , on as beautiful an April morning as you could desire ; and Paxton also looked very different when we saw him at breakfast . ' The first approach to a decent night I seem ever to have had , ' was what he said . But he was going to do as we had settled : stay in probably all the morning , and come out with us later . We went to the links ; we met some other men and played with them in the morning , and had lunch there rather early , so as not to be late back . All the same , the snares of death overtook him . Whether it could have been prevented , I don 't know . I think he would have been got at somehow , do what we might . Anyhow , this is what happened . We went straight up to our room . Paxton was there , reading quite peaceably . ' Ready to come out shortly ? ' said Long , ' say in half an hour 's time ? ' ' Certainly , ' he said : and I said we would change first , and perhaps have baths , and call for him in half an hour . I had my bath first , and went and lay down on my bed , and slept for about ten minutes . We came out of our rooms at the same time , and went together to the sitting - room . Paxton wasn 't there - only his book . Nor was he in his room , nor in the downstair rooms . We shouted for him . A servant came out and said : ' Why , I thought you gentlemen was gone out already , and so did the other gentleman . He heard you a - calling from the path there , and run out in a hurry , and I looked out of the coffee - room window , but I didn 't see you . ' Owever , he run off down the beach that way . ' But something in our look as we ran out must have struck the servant , for she came out on the steps , and pointed , and said , ' Yes , that 's the way he went . ' We ran on as far as the top of the shingle bank , and there pulled up . There was a choice of ways : past the houses on the sea - front , or along the sand at the bottom of the beach , which , the tide being now out , was fairly broad . Or of course we might keep along the shingle between these two tracks and have some view of both of them ; only that was heavy going . We chose the sand , for that was the loneliest , and someone might come to harm there without being seen from the public path . Long said he saw Paxton some distance ahead , running and waving his stick , as if he wanted to signal to people who were on ahead of him . I couldn 't be sure : one of these sea - mists was coming up very quickly from the south . There was someone , that 's all I could say . And there were tracks on the sand as of someone running who wore shoes ; and there were other tracks made before those - for the shoes sometimes trod in them and interfered with them - of someone not in shoes . Oh , of course , it 's only my word you 've got to take for all this : Long 's dead , we 'd no time or means to make sketches or take casts , and the next tide washed everything away . All we could do was to notice these marks as we hurried on . But there they were over and over again , and we had no doubt whatever that what we saw was the track of a bare foot , and one that showed more bones than flesh . The notion of Paxton running after - after anything like this , and supposing it to be the friends he was looking for , was very dreadful to us . You can guess what we fancied : how the thing he was following might stop suddenly and turn round on him , and what sort of face it would show , half - seen at first in the mist - which all the while was getting thicker and thicker . And as I ran on wondering how the poor wretch could have been lured into mistaking that other thing for us , I remembered his saying , ' He has some power over your eyes . ' And then I wondered what the end would be , for I had no hope now that the end could be averted , and - well , there is no need to tell all the dismal and horrid thoughts that flitted through my head as we ran on into the mist . It was uncanny , too , that the sun should still be bright in the sky and we could see nothing . We could only tell that we were now past the houses and had reached that gap there is between them and the old martello tower . When you are past the tower , you know , there is nothing but shingle for a long way - not a house , not a human creature ; just that spit of land , or rather shingle , with the river on your right and the sea on your left . But just before that , just by the martello tower , you remember there is the old battery , close to the sea . I believe there are only a few blocks of concrete left now : the rest has all been washed away , but at this time there was a lot more , though the place was a ruin . Well , when we got there , we clambered to the top as quick as we could to take breath and look over the shingle in front if by chance the mist would let us see anything . But a moment 's rest we must have . We had run a mile at least . Nothing whatever was visible ahead of us , and we were just turning by common consent to get down and run hopelessly on , when we heard what I can only call a laugh : and if you can understand what I mean by a breathless , a lungless laugh , you have it : but I don 't suppose you can . It came from below , and swerved away into the mist . That was enough . We bent over the wall . Paxton was there at the bottom . You don 't need to be told that he was dead . His tracks showed that he had run along the side of the battery , had turned sharp round the corner of it , and , small doubt of it , must have dashed straight into the open arms of someone who was waiting there . His mouth was full of sand and stones , and his teeth and jaws were broken to bits . I only glanced once at his face . At the same moment , just as we were scrambling down from the battery to get to the body , we heard a shout , and saw a man running down the bank of the martello tower . He was the caretaker stationed there , and his keen old eyes had managed to descry through the mist that something was wrong . He had seen Paxton fall , and had seen us a moment after , running up - fortunate this , for otherwise we could hardly have escaped suspicion of being concerned in the dreadful business . Had he , we asked , caught sight of anybody attacking our friend ? He could not be sure . We sent him off for help , and stayed by the dead man till they came with the stretcher . It was then that we traced out how he had come , on the narrow fringe of sand under the battery wall . The rest was shingle , and it was hopelessly impossible to tell whither the other had gone . What were we to say at the inquest ? It was a duty , we felt , not to give up , there and then , the secret of the crown , to be published in every paper . I don 't know how much you would have told ; but what we did agree upon was this : to say that we had only made acquaintance with Paxton the day before , and that he had told us he was under some apprehension of danger at the hands of a man called William Ager . Also that we had seen some other tracks besides Paxton 's when we followed him along the beach . But of course by that time everything was gone from the sands . No one had any knowledge , fortunately , of any William Ager living in the district . The evidence of the man at the martello tower freed us from all suspicion . All that could be done was to return a verdict of wilful murder by some person or persons unknown . 2 thoughts on " See You Next Wednesday ~ 3 " unsubscriber It 's been wonderful to read this tale again after so many years , another excellent choice in your series Mr Nash . I 've come to look forward to Wednesday evenings now to see which story you 'll be presenting and soak up more of Ms Webster 's ghostly black & white photos . Keep them coming old chap , I 'll meet you here again next week . All the best . January 27 , 2016 at 8 : 26 pm Reply John C Nash Thankyou very much , Mr . Scriber . I 'm enjoying reading all these old favourites again and it 's a pleasure to look through Samantha 's photos to cherry pick the relevant ones . See you next week !

This past Monday , I changed the sheets on our bed . I have another bottom sheet , so I remade it right away . I took the sheets downstairs and put them in the washer . When they were done , into the dryer they went . After an hour , I went down to check on them . Sometimes fleece sheets need a second cycle . I opened the dryer door and inside , the sheets were still wet ! Hmmm . I cleaned out the lint screen , closed the door and set another cycle . After the second hour , I checked again . The fracking sheets were still wet ! Once again , I cleaned out the screen , and started the dryer . This time , I hung out for a minute then opened the door , to check if there was heat . There was heat . Hmmmm again . This time I set the kitchen timer for 30 minutes to remind me to do down before the cycle was finished . When the bell rang , I went downstairs . This time the sheets were damp and cold , so the dryer had shut off long enough for them to cool off . I started it one more time , this time I stayed downstairs . I didn 't have to wait long . The fracking dryer was turning off after 5 minutes ! I took out the lint screen , and reached my hand down into the vent pipe . It was pretty clogged , and my hand didn 't fit too well . But I pulled out what I could reach . Then I took a closer look at the screen itself . Almost all the little holes were solidly clogged . I unclogged out what I could , hoping it was enough to at least finish the sheets . I crossed my fingers , and started the dryer again . This last time , the bottom sheet was finally dry enough to fold and put away . The top sheets , I put back on the bed . For those of you who don 't remember , Hubs and I have separate covers on our bed . I credit that fact with the success and longevity of our marriage . Anyway , I brought the lint screen up with me , and found a bucket so I could soak it . It took several hours , but finally most of the goop was gone . While soaking the screen , it occurred to me that quite possibly the clogging was caused by the new fabulous laundry detergent I had made . I let the screen dry overnight , and the next day put it back in the dryer . This while time , I was pretty upset thinking " What if this doesn 't work ? How can I tell Hubs I need a new dryer ? " . . . I kept my mouth shut , figuring with any luck I wouldn 't need to do laundry until after Christmas . Unfortunately , Hubs needed me to wash some clothes Christmas Eve , so he had something nice to wear to our future daughter - in - law 's parent 's house for Christmas dinner . With great trepidation , I put the clothes into the dryer . I even sat down there on the steps for a while to see if the dryer would work . I sat there for 10 minutes , and it kept running ! ! I think we have success ! I also used my old liquid detergent , just to be safe . Of course , Hubs wanted to know what took me so long , so I had to explain the whole thing to him . He told me that he had recently cleaned out the main vent pipe that goes out the wall , so that made me feel a bit better . I was worried that the whole thing might have been clogged solid . And that was my pre - Christmas drama . Next time you get to hear my report about Christmas ! Lucky you ! I 'm sorry if you found this boring , but life isn 't always exciting . Posted by Merry Festivus Eve ! ! It 's finally here . And I finally achieved one of my holiday goals this year , I never set foot in a mall . It was difficult , as my favorite store , the Awesome Store , has a local store here in town , but it 's not open all the time . Their store in the mall , however is open all the time . I just kept going back to the local one until I happened to catch it open . For most of my gifts , I made use of catalogs , the internet and local small businesses . I am a firm believer in patronizing local businesses . I would much rather not ever have to venture into Poughkeepsie for any reason . Really the only thing I see a need for here in town is a local shoe store . We don 't have one at this time . I 'm not sure there ever was one . I do remember there was a shoe repair shop , but not one that sold shoes . I mean good quality shoes , not the ones you could buy at the now defunct Jamesway . Anyway , Christmas / Festivus is almost upon us . I wrapped all the gifts , and put up our little tree . I did have a scare though . My granddaughter 's gift hadn 't arrived by this past weekend , and set out for the Post Office on Monday . With great relief , I saw I had two package tickets in our box . One was a coffee mug that I won on facebook from The Cheeky Witch , all the way from England . It managed to get here unbroken ! The other package was indeed the missing gift . As I pulled up in front of the house , I noticed a package at the front door , as left by the UPS man . Hmmm . I wondered what Hubs had ordered this time ! When I got inside with all my packages and the rest of the mail , I saw that the package was addressed to me ! I opened it , and inside was another of the same gift . Now I have two . I decided to keep the one , and perhaps send it back at a later time . The other I wrapped and will deliver it to my delightful granddaughter on Saturday at our family gathering . Tomorrow , on Christmas Day , we have been invited to my new future daughter - in - law 's parent 's house . We are really looking forward to it ! We 've been before , and have enjoyed ourselvBicraftualMe Leg warmer progress with photos ! I still haven 't gotten to the root of the problem with my laptop , but I haven 't gotten the blue screen again either . I decided to chance it , and post some photos of my progress with the legwarmers . As a reminder , they are being worked side to side , with ribbing at top and bottom . Here is what the first one looks like : I haven 't posted since the 17th , because on that day , after I posted , my laptop came down with the dreaded blue screen . And every time I come back here , I get an error message . I just wanted to let you all know that when I get this resolved , I shall resume blogging . LOVE YOU ! Kim Today is our 25th wedding anniversary . Yup , 25 years ago I said " I do " and became the wife of my best friend and soul mate . I remember that day very well . We got married at the house where my in - laws were living at that time . There was a big , open , empty apartment in the basement , perfect for the reception . My brother made all of the food we ate , and bought us our cake . It snowed that day too , quite hard ; some of our guests couldn 't make it . That night was the night that there was an explosion at the Holiday Inn in Fishkill , right down the hall from where my new Hubs ' grandparents were sleeping . I believe their car got slightly damaged . So I find myself reminiscing about that night , now . It is still snowing here , although lightly now , not so hard as it was earlier . And here we are , 25 years later . Sara is married , and just had a baby . I have reconnected with son James , and our son Jesse just got engaged . Life is good . I hope the next 25 years go as smoothly . . . . I have to admit , I started knitting a legwarmer . I got through the bottom ribbing , which is long because it goes over my foot . Then I started the body , and I wasn 't happy with it . I decided I needed to increase a bunch of stitches right after the ribbing . I actually frogged back to that point , then was unable to pick up those ribbing stitches . I ended up frogging the whole thing . That 's when I got my crochet hook out . I used the same mm size hook as I had knitting needle . The yarn is a heavy worsted weight . And it 's bright pink . LOVE IT ! I chained a bunch of stitches , then started back across with 13 or so single crochets , then did doubles until the last 18 or so stitches . I did maybe 3 rows like this before I decided it wasn 't long enough . So I frogged that too . Made it longer and started again . This time , I 'm happy with it . I think . I laid it out on the floor , all nice and flat so I could take a photo and you could see what I was talking about . When I got the camera out , I discovered that the battery was dead . Since we hadn 't been plowed out yet , I couldn 't go get a new one . That may have to wait until tomorrow . In the meantime , we have other family news . My youngest child , my baby , has asked his long - time girlfriend to marry him . I 'm very happy for them both . My eyes keep leaking , I 'm a little emotional . after all , he is the youngest . This will be a long engagement , as her sister is set to get married next October , and other events are happening in her family even before that . But everyone is happy , and it will be worth waiting for . Posted by I think I have a really severe desire to make some legwarmers . It 's been so cold , my legs are freezing under my house pants , even though my feet are nice and warm in my felted clog slippers . ( many thanks to Kim H . ) I have searched and searched my bedroom , and could only find one . The other one is gone . Simply disappeared . You should have heard Hubs laugh when he came home and found me wearing only one leg warmer . I explained I only found one , and was wearing it on the leg that was coldest . But now I find myself wanting to make myself a pair . I have spent time this morning perusing free patterns , both knit and crochet . And I 'm not finding exactly what I am looking for . I am leaning more towards crochet . Done side to side , with back loop only single crochet ( blo sc ) on each end , and double crochet ( dc ) for in between . That would make the ends sort of ribbed , and tighter . It sort of sounds like I 've just designed my own , doesn 't it ? I think I may have to experiment . Of course they will probably be done in worsted weight , as I have a well known allergy to hooks smaller than size G . That 's OK , since I would probably not wear them out of the house anyway . And they will be slouchy . I like to pull the bottom ribbed portion over my foot anyway . If you 'll excuse me , I do believe it 's time to go stash diving . . . . . Posted by My fondest memories of Thanksgiving are of traveling upstate to my Grandmother 's house for the holiday . Every year , she would set out a bowl of mixed nuts . I don 't remember at what point I started eating them , but it was probably when I was old enough to use a nutcracker without hurting myself . Early on , I zeroed in on the hazelnuts , or filberts , as grandma insisted they be called . I ate all of the different kinds of nuts , I liked the almonds and the pecans , but wasn 't fond of the walnuts . I also remember liking the brazil nuts , but they were too hard to crack open , so I usually passed on those . But the hazelnuts , oh the hazelnuts ! She quickly noticed that they were the first to disappear out of her nut bowl . And every year after that , I would receive a bag of hazelnuts from her for Christmas . I always looked forward to that . After she passed away , I didn 't get any more bags , sometimes I would buy them myself . So the other day , when Hubs called me from Adams Fairacre Farms , where he had stopped to pick up some of his newest obsession , Fire Balls . He asked me if there was anything I wanted or needed while he was there . I told him no , all I needed was him . He laughed and we hung up . Imagine my delight as I opened his lunch cooler when he got home , and found that he had bought me some hazelnuts ! ! He knows that I adore them , and he isn 't at all fond of them . I was totally surprised at his thoughtfulness . Is it any wonder that we 've been together for 25 ( and a half ) years ? Our wedding anniversary is the 17th , this coming Tuesday . I can 't wait to see what surprises he has in store for me . Even if there aren 't any , I won 't be disappointed . Just having him in my life is reward enough for me . I am thankful every single day . Posted by And I intend to drink my coffee , snuggle up and keep warm . While I am trying to keep warm , I believe I shall knit . I didn 't mention that I was knitting at the craft fair Saturday . I got quite a bit done . But I 'm still not halfway done . Maybe I 'll get there today ? Even though it 's his day off , Hubs decided to go in to work . His co - worker requested his help . It 's overtime , and our 25th wedding anniversary is one week from today . I can 't believe it 's been 25 years already . Seems like only yesterday . Where does the time go ? I must take this opportunity to thank another one of Hubs ' co - workers , he has very nearly talked him into getting a bigger motorcycle for the both of us . I 'm very excited about that . Then we can take trips and rides together . I 'm really looking forward to that . As you know , yesterday I did a craft fair , with my friend Bonny and her daughter Mckenzie . It turns out that Mckenzie has an internet store , where she sells all natural stuff that she makes herself . I purchased one of her lip balms yesterday , and liked it so much I bartered for three more . The address of her store is : stuffbymckenzie . storenvy . com . I do hereby attest that her lip balms are da bomb . I got three vanilla flavored and one nutella . I understand that lots of people have requested the nutella flavored balms from all major manufacturers . Mckenzie 's are fabulous . Use the link and check it out . I believe that she is no longer using beeswax , but switched to soy wax , as the beeswax smell was too strong . P . S . She ships internationally as well as within the U . S . I am home from the craft fair , relaxing and getting something to eat . I 'm hungry . All in all , I 'm glad I went . I only sold one thing , and that was before the show even started . My goodest buddy Bonny bought one of my blankets for her daughter , Mckenzie . My goodest friend sold lots of scarves , baby sweaters and infinity scarves . She really made out today . I got to hang out with my friends and say " Hi ! " to people all day . It wasn 't a waste of time . I learned what to make for the next craft fair . I need to make more small stuff . We also kind of thought that next time , I would get my own booth , so I could spread my stuff out more . I have to say I was disappointed that there were no Red Hat Ladies in attendance today . I have two blankets ( afghans ) I made just for them , and no one showed any interest . Maybe it 's time to put stuff in my etsy store . I 've had a store for more than two years , but never listed anything . Posted by My friend Bonny , her daughter , and myself are participating in our local high school 's annual Christmas craft fair this Saturday . I 've been spending time getting ready . First up , find all my blankets . They are all crocheted , and all have been put away for just such an occasion . I found them , washed them , and put them in a big bin . However , they are bigger than the bin , so I left the top off . Then I took my bin of blankets and went to Bonny 's house , where we spent an afternoon pricing stuff . I have only 6 or 7 blankets , but some are BIG , so they take up lots of room . I even made a couple especially for the Red Hat Society ladies , and they are purple and red . I am also going to have a basket of rubber band bracelets that I made , selling for $ 1 or $ 2 , depending on how many rubber bands it took to make them . This is a photo of one of the blankets , kind of . The actual one is reverse , color - wise . It starts with green in the middle and goes out to white on the border . I looked through all my photos , and this is the only one I have of any of the blankets I made . If you want to see them , come on out to Franklin D . Roosevelt High School on South Cross Rd , in Staatsburg this Saturday , December 7th . I believe it starts at 10 a . m . Apologies to all my friends , I 've been understandably distracted this week . My new grandson is now 6 days old , and things are going really well at home . His mommy has really impressed me and made me proud . When I was in her position , I was a big , weepy , bag of hormones . She has all her poop assembled , and is handling everything with more grace and dignity than I ever thought possible . In the long run , I 'm sure that her Hubs is greatly responsible for this . He takes it upon himself to do things like the laundry and dishes , since she is mostly responsible for the feeding of the little guy . She is a real trooper in that department too . She hasn 't gotten frustrated or anything . This is one lucky little boy . Almost lastly , here is a photo taken by a family member today . This is the first one I 've seen of the new little family . My daughter looks beautiful , and still glowing , I think new motherhood agrees with her . And for those of you wondering , yes I took my knitting to the hospital , and did knit for a while , while she was in labor . That stupid blanket is still not quite half done . Posted by This has been one helluva roller coaster ride . Like it says in the title , it started with a text message , at 8 am on Monday , November 25th . My pregnant daughter texts me that she thinks her water has broken , and she 's going to the hospital to get it checked out . She was right . There 's no fooling around with this woman . She stayed in the hospital , and waited for labor to start . If it didn 't start by 2 pm , the medical staff was going to induce it . The labor started on its own . I got my call to come to the hospital just after 1 pm . Her hubs had to run home and do a few things , and she didn 't want to be alone . By the time he got back , she had been moved from the triage area into a room . She ended up giving birth in that room . The midwife was really great . And at 7 : 05 pm little Owen Francis Gilroy emerged from his mommy . I was there , and got to see the whole thing . It was so awesome , we were all crying . They came home yesterday , late in the day . Even though he was four weeks early , we are glad he came . He was 18 inches long and weighed in at 6 lbs . I can 't even imagine how much he would have weighed if he hadn 't come early . One more thing to be thankful for . HAPPY THANKSGIVING ! ! Posted by When I woke up at 5 : 00 this morning , I started the coffee maker for Hubs , then went back in to go back to sleep . It didn 't work out . I couldn 't sleep . I lay there quietly until after Hubs left for work . I 've discovered it 's better to leave him alone in the mornings . Shortly after he left , I got up and drank the last cup of coffee that was left in the coffee maker . I sat here in my chair and vegged for a while . I was supposed to go to Sara 's by 10 , so I had time . I briefly considered going back in to lay down , but dismissed it . I figured I 'd oversleep . I showered and headed to Sara 's right on time . When I 'm tired I get weepy . I cry at television commercials . I warned Sara that I was weepy before I went over there . There is just some stuff going on that I can 't talk about . The stories aren 't mine to tell . Friends got married , and most of it has to do with them . They have the cutest story I 've ever heard . But I can 't tell you guys about it . It 's not my story . You can 't make that shit up . So I sit here and think , and weep . I am currently weeping about a very good episode of Doctor Who . I wept last night , at the end of the 50th anniversary special , when Tom Baker appeared as a guest . So I guess it started then . Last night was one of those awful nights that take forever to be over with . Waking up every hour , and having trouble getting back to sleep . The whole night sucked , pretty much . No wonder I was already tired when I woke up at 5 . Now I 'll just wait until it 's bedtime . It must be 11 pm somewhere . . . . . I know , it 's only 9 : 30 in the morning , but I thought I 'd better do this while I have a chance . You see , it 's also the Day of the Doctor . . . So I 'll be busy watching Doctor Who , and making rubber band bracelets , hopefully to sell at the craft fair at FDR High School on December 7th . Come one , come all . Hubs got off to work successfully this morning , but I bet he 's not very happy . You see , he forgot his bag of fireballs he bought yesterday . He has become addicted to those little cinnamon flavored devils . After searching all venues in the area , we discovered that Adams Fairacre Farms is the only local source for these candies . But now , if you 'll excuse me , I need to finish my coffee , pour myself another cup , and enjoy the Day of the Doctor . I might just get in some knitting and possibly wash some dishes and run the carpet sweeper around during the dull bits . P . S I did some thinking after yesterday 's post , and realized I was wrong . Hubs has been home nearly three weeks , not two . And I am thoroughly enjoying my day alone , so far . I 'm sure I 'll miss him later . . . P . P . S . My very favorite Doctor Who episodes of all time are BLINK , with # 10 , David Tennant , and Vincent and the Doctor , with # 11 , Matt Smith . It makes me cry every darn time I see it . Posted by Here I sit , still waiting for my coffee to finish brewing . As I wait , I harvest my crops on my farms , and it suddenly occurs to me that today is the last day that Hubs will be home with me ! At long last , he goes back to work tomorrow . At first it makes me very happy , because we 've been getting on each others nerves on occasion . But it makes me sad too , because I believe I was starting to get used to him being here almost all the time . It seems a lot longer than two weeks . When he went to the Dr . for his post - op visit , the Dr . took his stitches out and Hubs knew to ask if he could ride his motorcycle . If he didn 't ask , I would give him a really hard time about it . The Dr . said yes , and I believe it was the next day that it was really warm , so he went for a ride . His hand didn 't hurt at all . Don 't get me wrong , I am really looking forward to tomorrow , and having some time to myself . What makes it even sweeter ? Tomorrow is the 50th anniversary of Dr . Who , and there are going to be special things going on all day ; heck , they 've been showing episodes all week on BBCA ! I can 't wait for the new episode that 's going to air tomorrow afternoon . And Hubs won 't be here to have to watch it . Look for my post tomorrow , I will share how my alone time is going ! Posted by This week 's Stitch n Bitch went off without a hitch ! Everyone showed up , and we had a nice breakfast and got some crafting done . I 'm still working on the Elizabeth Zimmermann garter stitch baby blanket , and it 's almost half done . It 's so cold in my house , it 's hard to knit . My hands are so cold . At least my feet stay warm , in my nice wool felted slippers made for me by my best knitting friend , Kim ! It pains me to say this , but I 'm rearing holes in them already ! And this is my second pair ! Now for the other news . Here is the most recent baby bump photo of my lovely daughter Sara ! I can 't wait for this baby to get here ! It 's getting closer every day ! It certainly looks like he 's gonna be a big boy . Already nearly 5 lbs with a month to go . Posted by Last time I posted I made a really hard bracelet , this time I made an easy one . It 's called the inverted fishtail . Here is the beginning : And here 's a photo of it on my wrist , next to an original fishtail . The original one is kind of square , I like the new one better . Just so you know , I did knit quite a bit yesterday . I got probably six rows done . I will knit more tonight or tomorrow , I promise . . . This baby 's arrival is getting closer and closer , this blanket feels like it will never get done ! Posted by Recent happenings , crafting and otherwise I have been otherwise occupied the past days , I 'm afraid . With Hubs still in recuperation mode from his surgery , him being home every day and both of us wanting to kill each other at this point , I 'm fighting a never ending battle to stop him from doing foolish , possibly dangerous and definitely not doctor approved things , like work on his truck and ride his motorcycle . At least I got him to wear the hand brace for a solid week . After that he would only wear it at night . I 'll take what victories I can get at this point . It 's only a couple more days until he sees the doctor and gets his stitches out . As well as those battles , we had happy things too . Good friends of ours got married , and we got to celebrate with them last night . We had possibly the best dinner ever at Billy Bob 's BBQ , owned by our friend Bill 's family , whose son Bob is the chef . We have never eaten there and been disappointed . Highly recommended ! We love to support our former co - workers in their successful ventures where we can ! I have not had much time to knit , but I have been playing with the Rainbow Loom . After watching some more videos on youtube , I attempted the most difficult bracelet I have seen yet . It requires two looms , which I have , and tons of patience and dexterity . I have the patience , and it seems the dexterity too . I was successful making the bracelet ! I figured that if a " stupid boy " could make the video , I would be able to handle making the bracelet ! It 's very tricky , as when you finish one loomful of bands , you have to take it off , load the loom again , and out it back on to continue . My bracelet took 2 1 / 2 sections to make . If I were to make one for Hubs , it would be at least 3 sections . My knitting self came out , as I used a stitch holder to hold the partially done bracelet while I loaded the loom back up with rubber bands . My bracelet isn 't perfect , as the last black part got twisted when I put it back on the loom . But you can 't really see where that is . I also messed up the color sequence on the last section . But again , you don 't see it until I point it out . And I 'm still waiting , impatiently , for this new grandbaby to come . I don 't know how that will affect my blogging , I hope I will still have time ! I will be babysitting two days a week after Sara goes back to work . It goes without saying , of course , that I 'll be there as much as she needs me before that ! Posted by This morning , as I was driving a friend 's mom to work , I saw something I thought was unusual . There are several farms between here and there , complete with sheep . I 'm used to seeing the sheep cavorting around . This morning , however , I was highly amused to see the sheep on one of the farms huddled , heads down , around those big rolled up hay bales . There were two sheep on each side of each bale . It was quite a sight to see the field spotted with bales of hay , each with eight sheep huddled head first into it . It made my morning . Also this morning , on the ride up , I mentioned that I had noticed that radio stations never tell you the time anymore ! I remember when I was a kid , the DJ 's were constantly telling you what time it was . Those of you who have seen Howard Stern 's movie might remember that part . Melanie ( the mom ) and I decided that they probably figured most people have digital clocks both in the car , and on their phones , so they don 't need to be told the time by the radio . Then on my ride back , I was listening to a local radio station , and the DJ told me the time ! TWICE in less than half an hour ! I made a mental note to mention it in my blog , and here it is . I figured I 'd better get it down now before I forgot . It 's only 7 : 30 in the morning ! What else does this day have in store for me ? ? P . S . Thinking about the Howard Stern movie , it wasn 't the time he was pressured to tell constantly , it was the stations call letters . But perhaps you remember the time thing . I know I do . I have strayed , my friends , from the goodness of the yarn . I have been making those silly little rubber band bracelets . There is a story here , too . I had seen the loom things at Michaels Craft stores , and thought the asking price was too high . So I didn 't get one . Then last week , after surgery , Hubs and I were in one of the chain drug stores , where they have a lot of the " As seen on TV " stuff . There amongst the junk was a rubber band loom ! It wasn 't the same as the one from the craft store , but it was about 40 % cheaper . So Hubs bought one for me . I think he was probably under the influence of post surgical pain killers . . . We brought it home , and I began playing with it . As part of my learning experience , I went online and watched some how - to videos , produced by the craft store . I managed to make several kinds of bracelets , but it was difficult . In the videos , they were using the more expensive loom , and I could see how it was better than the cheapo one I had bought . I decided I needed not one , but two of those looms . I wanted two because the fancier bracelets looks silly with the design part only covering the top part of your wrist , and the rest was just a chain of single rubber bands around the back . I wanted the design to go all the way around my wrist . So the other day , when I was out running errands with my beautifully pregnant daughter Sara , we stopped at Michaels and I bought the two looms . That evening , I connected them together and started following the directions for the one bracelet I had already made . It turned out perfectly , and wrapped all the way around my wrist . I was very pleased . It 's the one on the left in the photo . I just got finished with the other one , when I took the photo . That one gave me a lot of trouble . But in the end I figgered it out . My Hubs thinks I am ridiculous for blogging about this . It is crafting , after all , even if it was meant for kids , it 's still fun . Posted by Yesterday , I drove down to Fishkill to spend some time with my mom . It was long overdue . I hate to say it , but the price of gas is what really keeps me close to home . On the way down , I decided to drive through the village of Wappingers , I haven 't driven through there in quite a long time . It looks pretty much the same , except for a few obvious changes . The biggest of course , is the hole left in the row of really old buildings on the main drag , due to the collapse of one of the buildings . I remember hearing about it when it happened . This was the first time I 'd seen it . I drove past St . Mary 's , remembering the times I went to mass there as a kid , with my friend Patty and her family . It was also the place where my best friend Beth got married . Ah , the memories . There was Rosemary 's Flower Shop , where my parents took little Sara to get her portrait painted . I remember how much she hated the lights shining in her eyes . The artist took photos because she was so young , and worked from those . My mom still has that portrait . I believe it 's hanging over her bed . I realize I need to really make an effort to see her more . She just had her 81st birthday , and even though she is in excellent health , you just never know . We got to visit for quite a few hours , we talked and talked . As we talked , I got my knitting out and worked on the Elizabeth Zimmermann garter stitch blanket . I 'm not halfway done yet . It really is taking forever . Maybe by the time the baby goes off to college . . . This has been one very busy week . Between medical tests , Dr . visits , same - day surgery , and attending sonogram of newest grandbaby , it 's been just a total whirlwind . The test and Dr . visits were for me , I still have another appointment tomorrow to go over the results of the test . My Hubs had the surgery this morning , to try and repair damage from carpal tunnel in his right wrist . After the procedure , the doctor came and spoke to me , he told he there was a lot to clean up , and he was able to get a squished nerve back in it 's rightful place . Hubs should see a dramatic improvement . That was a relief . And yesterday I was able to go see my newest grandbaby move around , and put this hand in his mouth . He is gonna be soooo cute ! I did get some knitting done while waiting for Hubs , in the waiting room . I was surprised that the whole thing didn 't take very long ! We got there at 6 : 30 , and were outta there by 9 : 30 . Hubs had told me that the doctor had told him the procedure would only take about 20 minutes . That seems a but rushed to me , but I guess this guy has done a few of these procedures . Posted by This morning I actually woke up and thought , Holy crap , it 's November already ! When I was downstairs doing some laundry , I took my camera with me , and stepped out the back door . These photos are of the view from there , around our pool . I realize that the leaves are past their peak , and some trees are even bare . But this time of year is one big reason we love living in upstate New York . It gives a better view of how big it really will be , and how much I 've actually gotten done . Next is a photo of the Camo sweater complete with buttons , thanks to my friend Bonny . Lastly for today , I wish to acknowledge my youngest child , and celebrate his birthday . He 's 24 today , and in case he doesn 't know it , I could not be prouder of the man he has turned out to be . I love you , Jesse . Posted by I can show you the photos I took of what I made ! ! This first set , I started right after we found out that Sara was expecting , at Hubs ' request . I waited until we knew the baby 's sex for absolute sure before I completely finished it . If the baby was a girl , everything was going to be trimmed in pink , and the sweater buttons were going to be pink too . This one is the Harley Davidson receiving blanket . There was also a black Harley onesie , and black Harley booties too . I didn 't get photos of them for some reason . I think the bootie box was too shiny . It was funny , but after I found boxes for everything and got them wrapped , I sort of forgot what was in which box . I guess I got them all right , since there were no surprises at the shower . As for the knitting , I did quite a bit today , as I went to visit my good friend Bonny , so I sort of got caught up . I was too involved in the shower thing , being nervous about it and all , to get any knitting done in the week before the shower . Now that it 's all over , I can relax . Oops , I almost forgot , that sweater in the top photo ? I didn 't make it , my friend Bonny made it for me . I was supposed to sew the buttons on , but that didn 't work out . I did one , but it was in the wrong place , so I got mad and took it off . Bonny sewed the buttons on for me too . She 's the best . Posted by It 's all over now , and I 'd say it was a success . There were mounds and mounds of gifts , and Sara got to open them all . There was a time concern , but we pulled it off . The food was really good , and it seems like everyone had a good time . We played some games , and prizes were handed out . Special kudos go out to Sara 's mother - in - law Sue and sister - in - law Kelly , they were on decorations , and did a great job ! Here are some photos of the attendees ! And lastly , here are a few shots of Sara opening gifts . . . The last one is her showing everyone the blanket I made for her . Over the years , she has watched me make quite a few of these for friends and family , and it 's finally her turn to get one . I think she was looking forward to getting it . It 's a favorite of mine to make , and even Hubs loves it . Posted by I am spending the day finding boxes for baby gifts , packing them , and wrapping them for the baby shower tomorrow . I have taken photos but won 't show them to you until after the shower . There are , however , a few that I can show you ! This first one is all the presents on the table , covered by a towel because Sara was here and I didn 't want her to see them . It 's hard to believe that she 's already 7 months along , but on the other hand it feels like it 's taking forever . . . . I just hope the shower goes well . I 'm not very good at hostessing . I also have other things to do today , believe it or not ! I have about three days worth of dishes to do , and laundry too . The dishes are nearly done , and I am about to start the laundry . Then I can wrap the last three boxes . I hope she appreciates that none of the boxes are taped shut . I figured I 'd make it as easy to open them as possible . Posted by Last week , my Hubs mentioned that I haven 't made stew in a while . He was right , so when we went shopping we bought some stew beef . It was in the freezer , so I had to take it out yesterday to thaw for this morning . I also had to find my big crock pot . I hadn 't seen it since we went to live in Fishkill three years ago . After some more digging , I finally found it under the kitchen sink . I got it out and washed it all up , so it was ready for this morning . I learned how to make this stew from my late mother - in - law . My Hubs loves it . It 's done in the crock pot , so you start it in the morning and it 's ready for dinner . Of course you can put in whatever veggies you want , but my Hubs is just a meat and potatoes kind of guy . I cut up the potatoes , peeling is optional . They go in the bottom of the crock pot . The hardest part is the meat . I like to cut it up into smaller pieces . I put some flour into a bowl , and season it with salt , pepper , onion powder and garlic powder . Mix it up well . Heat a frying pan up with a little oil . Put the meat pieces into the flour to coat , then shake off excess flour . The meat gets browned , you don 't cook it all the way through . Then the meat goes on top of the potatoes . After that , I open up a bag of baby carrots and put them on the top . I then use some hot water and bring the level up to about the middle of the meat , or the bottom of the carrots . Put the lid on , and turn the crock pot on HIGH for about three hours , then turn it to low . I imagine if no one was going to be home , you could just leave it on low for the whole day . Don 't discard all the seasoned flour , because to finish it off , you take some of the flour , maybe a tablespoon or two , and mix it with hot water or liquid from the stew , then add some Gravy Master . Mix this into the stew and let to thicken some more . The last thing I do is take some frozen peas and stir them in . Tonight I plan to make some biscuits to go with the stew . Hubs is really looking forward to this meal ! Posted by Today I spent the day running errands , most of which I could do right from my chair . I finalized the baby shower by calling the restaurant and giving them the final guest count and menu choices . I took a call from my pulmonary specialist 's assistant , and made appointments for a CAT scan and a follow - up visit . I also made more laundry sauce today . As I re - read the recipe , to make sure I do it right , I read some of the comments on the original post . If you really read the entire thing , it tells you explicitly that you cannot make substitutions in ingredients , or mason jar size , or anything . You have to do it exactly as written . Yet there are yahoos out there who don 't follow the directions , and ask why it didn 't turn out right . It 's not like it 's that complicated , it has only three ingredients , besides the water . I shake my head . It just boggles the mind . Anyway , I also went out today , to visit with a friend while she was at karate with her daughter . That didn 't last long , as she ended up leaving , with the intention of picking said daughter up later . She didn 't feel like sitting there for three hours today . I don 't blame her . When I do it , it 's strictly on a volunteer basis . I 've already put in my time there . Before she left , we went to the supermarket . And as long as I was there , I thought I would order the cake for this weekends baby shower . So , the cake is now ordered . I hope everyone enjoys it ! I 'm really looking forward to this shower , and meeting some of my daughter 's in - laws that I haven 't met yet . At one point this morning , I remembered to call my mom , since today is her 81st birthday . I couldn 't make dinner with her and Sara , but I am going to spend the day with her soon , and we 'll do lunch . In between phone calls and errands , I got some knitting done as well . I also plan on doing more after dinner while watching TV with the Hubs . This blanket is never going to get done . I still have shower gifts to wrap , and edgings to crochet , and buttons to sew on too ! Sometimes I feel that it never ends . I just can 't wait for this baby to come ! Posted by This weekend is the NYS Sheep and Wool Festival , held in world famous Rhinebeck , NY . My best knitting buddy and I aren 't attending . I believe I mentioned this in an earlier post . But now the countdown to next year has begun . I found in my cupboard an old container of macaroons that were no good any more , so I threw them away . I kept the container since it seemed perfect for my Rhinebeck Fund Jar . I cut a hole in the lid , although it 's off center , the money that goes in it won 't care . Next I printed a label for my jar of hopes and dreams . I cut it down to size , and it looks awesome . I printed an extra one for my knitting buddy in case she wants to match mine . Now all I need is some extra money to start stuffing in there . Come to think of it , Hubs owes me $ 5 for signing for the pizza last night . . . . . My Hubs and I have , over the last few months , taken a liking to our pizza with extra cheese and bacon . It 's really good . But after a while , it gets old . We then switched to garlic as a topping . Both with extra cheese and without . That was really good too . Tonight , we dared to try a totally new pizza topping combination . Extra cheese , bacon AND garlic . It was a bold choice , and we discussed the fact that it could be either really good or really , epically bad . We decided to chance it , and placed the order . After sampling our first slices , we both thought that it wasn 't bad . In fact , the more we ate , the better it was . I have no idea if we will ever order that particular combination of toppings again , but it worked this time . But we are aware that it could 've gone either way . . . I have one of those on . See , my best knitting buddy and I have decided we aren 't going to Rhinebeck this year for the Sheep and Wool Festival . We just have no money with which to splurge on fibery goodness . But we have pinky sworn to get a " Rhinebeck Wish Jar " and every time we get even just a little extra money , we promise to put it in the jar . In the course of the next year , we should have saved enough to be able to go . It 's a shame really , because we only live about 10 miles away from there , so travel money isn 't an issue . It 'll all be spending money for us . I get all excited reading about Clara Parkes and The Yarn Harlot going to Rhinebeck , and it 's kind of surreal . It makes me want to go stand out on Rte 9 here in town and watch to see if I can spot them driving by . I 'd even get a sign that says " Honk if you 're going to Rhinebeck Sheep and Wool ! " I just hope that they will all be there again next year . The festival is kind of a big deal in the knitting world , so I imagine they will be there . On the plus side , I 've been knitting on the garter stitch baby blanket today while watching TV . I feel that I should mention again that it was designed by Elizabeth Zimmermann , and is in one of her books . Posted by I noticed as soon as I got up , I feel better today ! I slept almost all the way through the night . I usually wake up at 5 am so I can start the coffee for Hubs on the days he has to work . I even wake up on the days he 's not working . Today , his alarm woke me up , so that 's when I turned the coffee on for him . I then went back to sleep , and woke up again when he came in to get dressed . Then I heard him leave and lock the door . I finally got up for good at 8 am . I made myself some coffee , and sat and savored it for a long time . I watched some shows On Demand , that I was interested in and had missed . In between shows , I went downstairs and did some laundry . I didn 't take any cold meds until almost noon ! This afternoon , I got some real energy , and took two bags of bottles and cans back to the store for recycling . I also took my change bag to the bank for counting and deposit . Since it 's all in the same plaza , I took my son his karate uniform top from yesterday . I had hoped to time my visit to the plaza correctly so I could see my best knitting buddy Kim H . and her Cherub . Unfortunately I picked the wrong day and they didn 't come . I am bummed , but at least I got a few things done . I go and sit and keep Kim company when I can , I know how boring it is to sit there for hours a day while your kid does karate , and helps teach the under belts . Right now I have to go get my last load of laundry out of the dryer . I washed my house hat , and I need it . My head is getting cold . It 's gorgeous out today , and I have the windows open . I will close them before Hubs gets home . The breeze is making my head cold . Fresh air is a good thing . Posted by I 'm still under the weather today , but I did get out for Stitch n Bitch this morning . Since I got home , I 've been in my house clothes , all wrapped up in my chair , sipping herbal teas with honey and knitting . I 'm also watching the series Revolution on Netflix . Not much else will be going on today . I didn 't even take anything out of the freezer for dinner . Later on I will be catching up on a few shows On Demand that I 've missed , and maybe even take a nap . I had trouble sleeping last night . Posted by The first being that I am coming down with something . It started right after I woke up from my nap early this afternoon . I took a nap because I didn 't get much sleep last night . So after my nap , Hubs ran some errands , and I settled in to watch some telly . Shortly afterwards , my nose began to tickle , and then my throat joined in . I noticed that mucus production had begun in earnest . By 2 : 30 , I took some of my favorite cold medicine . It 's beginning to wear off at this point . I 'm starting to really feel like crap . I 'm going to go to Stitch n Bitch tomorrow anyway . I may not stay as long as usual , it will depend on how I 'm feeling at the time . Second : Last Friday night I babysat for my grandkids so my son and daughter - in - law could have a date night . It was fun ! Knowing my grandson Mason is fascinated my motorcycles , I had my Hubs ride his over when I went . Mason was so excited ! I think Grandpa Mike is one of his favorite people now . He got to sit on it , and even start it and rev the engine a little . Third , even though I feel like crap , I got some knitting done today . Yay for me . And finally , I realized today that another Summer has passed that I didn 't get to drive my Jeep down to Lake Peekskill and have a look around . I lived there until 1969 , the Summer I turned 13 . Ever since my kids were in high school , I wanted to take them there and show them where I lived for my formative years . I would like to see what 's changed and what 's the same , although after all these years there 's probably nothing left I 'd recognize . Posted by This one goes back a ways . The remembering happened when daughter Sara was here the other day , and I got a cup out of the cupboard for her to have some coffee . Like a flash , I remembered . I was little , maybe 7 or 8 years old , and I had stayed home from school because I was sick . Mom brought me a cup of apple juice in bed . I drank it , and as I did , I tasted dish soap . To this day , I can 't drink apple juice because of that . My mom was a great housewife , but as for rinsing the dishes , not so much . To this day , when I take a glass out of her cupboard , I still sniff the inside of it . I started doing that after the apple juice incident . The other day , I asked Sara if she sniffed the glasses at grandma 's too . She said that yes she did . We both grew up with that woman , and she marked us both in many ways . It makes me wonder if she thought I was insane , or if she knows why I sniff . I don 't remember whether I ever mentioned to her why I always sniff her glassware . As for the knitting report , I am pleased to announce that I have turned the second corner , and have begun the 4th eighth of the blanket . After I get further along , I will take more photos . Posted by I caved and showed Sara the super secret knitted project . I feel good that she likes it . Since it 's secret no more , I can show you photos ! Here 's what the whole thing looks like so far : Each row gets one stitch shorter , then I come to the corner , and then each row gets one stitch longer till this half is done . The finished blanket will be plenty big , and that made Sara happy . Posted by That 's right , and it was his third . Birthday , that is . He is such a cutie . His big sister is also gorgeous , but this one isn 't about her . Here 's Mason in his birthday shirt : He wasn 't so excited until I told him that sometime Grandpa Mike will ride his motorcycle over so he can see it ! He can even sit on it ! I know the jacket is a bit big , but the great thing about kids is that they grow so fast . And to think I was worried that it would be too small . . . . It amazes me that there is such a technology these days as 3 - D sonograms . With this , we can get a preview of what my newest grandbaby actually looks like . I am blown away by this . When I saw it , my eyes leaked . Unbelievable . And here 's what he looks like from the outside ! She looks so lovely , and is feeling great . I don 't care what anybody tries to tell you , it 's just different when your daughter has a baby . It could be the whole mother - daughter bonding thing . I am still plugging away on the super secret knitting project . It is truly a yarn sucker of a project . To all the knitters out there , that 's a clue . It means it 's done in garter stitch . It 's very easy , but it takes forever and sucks up unbelievable amounts of yarn . But I shall persevere , never fear . This child will be awash in hand knitted and crocheted goodness for many years to come . Posted by

In honor of a friend of mine getting hired on as the Managing Editor of NaNoWriMo , National Novel Writing Month , I 've decided to post my failed attempt at writing a novel in a month . I 'll never get back to it anyway , and why the hell not let you see how truely awful I am . It 's 22 pages long . I got to 15k , then just sort of stopped . This year though , I 'm going to write 50k if it kills me . Rubicks Bob is my friend He is my friend because we share very similar interests . He is my friend because we spend a lot of time together at the store . I 'm at the store a lot buying " toys . " He is also at the store a lot buying " toys . " We met because we were there at the same day at the same time . He was there because he needed a few new Rubicks cubes . I was there because I needed another case of dominos . He got there later than he thought because of traffic . I got there earlier than I thought because I was coming from the other direction . I was coming from the other direction because I moved from the North East to the South West a few months ago . I 'll be moving again soon . I 'm going to try to stop talking that way . It 's hard for me . It 's hard for me because everything happens because of something else and if I start thinking about anything it 's hard for me to not thing of all the things that came before it because what 's the point of even knowing the last thing if you don 't know the first thing and all the connected things in the middle ? I don 't talk to people much . I try not to . If I start talking I have a hard time stopping because of all the things I already said . I like bob because he doesn 't talk much either . Bob would be more comfortable if we all talked in numbers and patterns . I understand because I would be more comfortable if we all talked sequentially and connectively . Some things make sense differently . I like dominos . Bob likes cubes . He shops at the same store that I shop at . Hank 's Toy Emporium . Bob calls it 4105 , sometimes 1405 , sometimes 5041 , sometimes 0541 , because it 's located at 4105 in the Burlington Mall . Sometimes he calls it all the possible permutations of that number , there are a lot . I 'm not sure how many . Ask Bob . He get 's stuck sometimes like that , he 'll rattle off numbers for hours . I let him go and try to figure out why he 's going in the direction that he 's going . Bob doesn 't really understand directions . He 's just everywhere at once . I think lineally . It makes more sense . For me . Today I 'm starting in the basement . I always start in the basement . Start from the ground up . The ground up . I 'm in the basement , I 've only gone through a few boxes of dominos so far . This whole house will be alive again . This whole house will have motion and movement . I start in the basement , start in the basement , start in the basement , move forward move forward move forward . I 've only gone through 3 , 200 dominos . 2 , 300 , 0203 , Bob would say . Coming in from the back door there is a hallway which leads directly to the stairwell , behind the stairwell is a storage space , behind the storage space is a walk in closet , behind that is the main room of the basement , it 's very large and occupies the majority of the floor , on the far end is a small bathroom which contains only a sink and a toilet , there is a small window and a ledge high on the back wall , it looks out to the ground level , to the left of the bathroom is the far wall , turning you find yourself looking at the main room of the basement once again , ten paces in front of you is a wall with a door in it , this door leads to the garage which is nearly empty , there is a bike and some paint cans left over from the previous owner , there is a garage door , then you 're outside . There is nothing else to tell about the basement . There is no furniture . Come back in the back door , you 're now facing the stairs that lead to the second floor . There are six stairs , then there is a landing , then the stairs make a 90 degree turn left , then there are six more stairs , you are now in the kitchen . Directly to your left is a refrigerator facing the same way you are , then there is a series of cabinets and a counter top that wrap around until you are facing approximately 9oclock . There is a sink here , above the sink is a window , next to that the counter top starts again , there is a washing machine below the counter top directly next to the sink , above the washing machine there is another cabinet . It is the last cabinet in the room . There is then a window , then a far wall that 's covered with ugly yellow tile . In the middle of the room is a small table and above it a small chandelier . Chandelier is a grand term for it , it 's a light that hangs from the ceiling . Now , looking at 12oclock , walk forward three paces , then turn right . You are now walking through a door that goes into the dining room , the dining room is large and vacant . No furniture . There is a wide opening that leads into the living room , the living room has a grey recliner in the middle of it and no other furniture . There is a large mirror on the right hand wall . Directly in front of you is a bay window . If I had a cat he would sit there in the sun . I don 't have a cat so there is nothing in the bay window , the sun only touches the recliner in the middle of the room . There is no artificial light in this room . No lamps . No chandeliers . No lights . Standing at the recliner and looking out the window , turn to 9oclock again , you are now facing the stairway . The stairway has 13 stairs , just like the set that leads to the basement . Directly in front of you is the back bedroom , the door is shut and locked , I don 't use this room . The door is shut and locked . Inside there is nothing but two windows on the outside wall . These windows have newspaper taped over them . Turn left there is another bedroom . There is nothing in there but the door is open and unlocked . To the left of this room there is a bathroom . The bathroom has one toilet , one shower / tub combination , one sink with vanity mirror , above the center of the floor is a skylight that is never opened . There is a bath mat on the floor so I don 't slip when I get out of the shower . The tile is black . The caulk is white . The tile is black the caulk is white . There are 48 tiles . An old newspaper is draped over the edge of the tub so that I can read when I use the bathroom . To the left of the bathroom there is a bedroom . It 's my bedroom . Going clockwise around this room , to your immediate left is a closet there isn 't very much in here , then there is a dresser on the far wall , this is also nearly empty , then there are two windows and then a night stand , with a glass of water and an alarm clock on it , then my bed , it needs to be made and it 's black with white stitching . That 's my house . I don 't like it very much , but it 'll make do for now . I 'll probably leave soon anyway . Soon . I 'm not sure when , I have to wait to see what happens next . I move a lot . I have to keep moving . It 's important . If you stay in one place for too long you stagnate and then you die . And then you die in the place where you were already dead but didn 't know it because you didn 't ever move . A person has to keep moving in order to keep living . Motion is life , motion is time . Motion is motion . Keep moving . When something dies it means that all cellular motion has ceased . It 's ceased because all of the tiny bits of electricity that keep things moving has stopped being generated because the thing that generates all the electricity has stopped moving and can no longer generate electricity , so cells stop functioning and the body dies . I think that 's how it works . That 's how someone described it to me once . Rigger mortis . I know about that . The longer you 're dead the less malleable you are , it 's harder to move a person after they 've been dead a long while . If a person dies , at say , 9oclock , not the direction now , the time . The time is 9oclock and someone dies a horrible death . There is no other kind . At ten after nine , the person is still able to move , not on his own anymore , but I could move a body that 's only been dead ten minutes or so . If you let that body sit on the floor for a few hours , it stiffens up , becomes even more dead than it was and becomes frozen . It 's impossible to bend any of the joints . It 's better if I never find that out again . Motion is life , death is stiffness , rigidity . Bob doesn 't move much . He 's not dead , but he sits still for longer than I can tolerate sometimes . The first time I met him I almost kicked him out of my house . He sat in my recliner for hours and didn 't move a muscle , didn 't make a sound . It was horrifying until I looked at his eyes . I 'm able to be friends with bob because of his eyes . His eyes are constantly in motion . I didn 't realize till then that Bob spends most of his time in his mind , and he 's constantly moving in there . I imagine it 's a nonstop parade of numbers and patterns and ways to figure out those numbers , make patterns of those numbers and to make numbers out of those patterns . I view bobs world as a series of melting , changing numbers . That 's probably how he sees things . I call Bob , " Rubi Bob " because Bob can complete a randomized Rubi Cube in under 20 seconds . Every time . Without failure . He is a whiz . A Rubick 's Cube is a game . It has 9 color squares on each side of the cube . A cube has six sides . The cube has 54 individual squares on the face . Each individual square is a different color . There are six different colors . Each individual square rests on two different axis at any given time . Each row can rotate and each column can rotate . Thereby allowing each cube to move in nearly any direction . The object of the game is to get all the sides colored with the same color square . Nine yellows on one side , nine reds on another and so on . It is ridiculous that I am describing a Rubik 's Cube . Everyone knows what a Rubiks Cube is . They were invented in the early eighties and created a craze over the country , then the world . They are the highest selling toy of all time , there are approximately 44 , 000 , 000 , 000 , 000 , 000 , 000 different configurations . Bob loves them . I know a lot about rubi cubes because bob knows a lot about rubi cubes . He can solve any rubi cube in any configuration in under twenty seconds any time you ask him to . He could do them in his sleep . He might actually do them in his sleep , I 've never seen him sleep . I love watching him solve Rubi Cubes , I could watch it all day . Which is lucky because he does little else . Even when he goes into his number trances , if you throw a cube at him , he 'll work through it as he 's running through the numbers . It 's remarkable . It 's too furious a flurry of movement to keep track of , I try though . I try to watch the square dials spin and rotate in his hand like a gyroscope and try to catch glimpses of how he starts and when he finishes . It 's impossible . He moves . He moves too fast . I had him teach me to do it once . Just once . He got upset and couldn 't take my not being able to do it , so he would snatch it out of my hand and finish the puzzle in seconds . It went this way : " Ok . " he said and then he got out of his recliner and came to where I was , which was just inside the dining room , writing on my pad and planning maneuvers . He brought his backpack of Cubes with him . He removed three , one for me , one for him , and one for him to complete when he got aggravated by my shortcomings . " Hold it like this , " he said . Then he held up his hands so that I could see how a professional holds a Rubi Cube . He grabbed it just like you would think to . One hand on either side , just the fingers touching the outermost dials . " Ok , " I said . And then I held it the way he was showing me . Then he reached over and moved my hands to the exact correct place for " maximum spin time . " He was holding his , I was holding mine . Between the two of us was the third cube , which lay on the floor unsolved . He kept sneaking glances at it every chance he got . He glanced at it more and more as we sat in my empty dining room , my empty dining room that would be a perfect place for a flower pattern , it was distracting him . It was keeping him from explaining the process to me . " Ok . Now figure out where everything should go . " He glanced down at the unsolved cube , and while I asked " What do you mean ? " he began and completed the cube he was holding in his hands and then quickly mixed it up again . All the while staring at the cube on the floor between us . Flower pattern . He looked surprised at my question . He tried to answer as best he could . " Where are you going to put the reds ? The yellows ? The greens ? The whites ? The bl - " " Doesn 't matter ? ? " He cut me off . His eyes darted from the cube on the floor to the cube in my hand . Faster and faster . Flowers and stairs . " It matters ! It matters ! It matters ! It matters ! " He looked red , he wasn 't breathing very well . He was breathing in short . Quick . Bursts . He made a wheezing sound for a second and I thought he was going to pass out . Then he reached for the cube on the floor , solved it , he was still flushed , barely breathing now . He finished it , grabbed mine and worked through it faster and faster . Solved it and put all three down in a row . " Ahh " he breathed as he was able to exhale again . He was now just staring at the three completed puzzles . White side up . " It matters " he said . Then he took his cubes and walked back to his chair and sat down . He rested his head in his hands . He sat there for a long time . It was 11 o ' clock in the afternoon when he sat down . He didn 't get up until well after dark . Motionless for hours , just resting his head in his hands . Numbers flying through his mind trying to calm him down from our training session . I sat in the middle of the dining room watching him for fifteen minutes or so , feeling bad . I shouldn 't have asked him to do anything . He 's a touchy person . The slightest thing can set him off like that . I imagine whatever he does in that head of his is calming for him , but he 'd probably be happier if he didn 't have to do it . Or at the very least , he 'd be happier if he were concentrating on his cubes instead of running through numbers to balance himself out again . Poor guy . I wish I left him sit and enjoy his cubes and the sunshine . I felt bad about it for a little while , then I had to get back to my planning . There 's only so much worrying a person can do before it starts to interfere with his life . I was busy making notes . This was a new house after all and I needed the measurements for each room . Each step . I had to take the tape measure to every stretch of wall , every plank . I had to measure each angle . I had to check for dips in the floor . When I found one I had to mark it with spray paint . I had to spray the floor so that I 'd remember where the dip was so that I could go back and figure out a way to level it off . Most times you can accomplish this by buying a piece of lumber from the lumber yard on 8th street . Then you take that lumber and bring it into the lower floor . Then you cut the lumber so that it will fit perfectly between the floor and the ceiling . Then you take the lumber and wedge it under the place that dips in the floor below you . That usually balances the floor enough to run a proper stream . Streams flow . On and on and on . It 's difficult to properly mark the underside of the floor you 've discovered a dip in . It 's possible to drill a hole through the floor . Then you can just wedge the lumber under the hole which has clearly marked the center of the dip . But if the lumber is just a bit too long , the lumber will strain the floor , the hole has weakened the floor , and the floor will crack around the hole . The cracks create more problems . I don 't want to think about all those problems right now . Those problems haven 't happened yet . Those problems will probably happen by next Thursday . After I get all the lumber and cut the lumber and prop the floors . Things crack sometimes , regardless of planning . The measurements have to be precise . I 've gotten better at measuring , I 'm proud of it . Most of the time I can just judge by looking at a space if it matches the blueprints of the house or not . It 's important to have the blueprints . If a person doesn 't have the blueprints for his or her own house , that person is being irresponsible and doesn 't deserve to live in that house . They should lose that house and it should be given to someone like me who can read and understand and appreciate blueprints . Then once a person gets the blueprints for the house , it isn 't enough to just have the blueprints , you have to check . You have to check the blueprints , because you didn 't make those blueprints , how do you know they 're right ? You don 't . That 's all there is to it . If the blue prints are off , how could you possibly know if the dining room is level enough or not . Or if the room is as big as it says it is ? You have no way of knowing . Then you walk through the room at night , or when the lights are off , if you have lights , and then you stub your toe in the doorway and you wonder why . Know your house . Know everything about it . Know the insides and outs , know the quickest way to get everywhere . You should . It 's your house , you paid good money for it , and if anything happens in that house , you 're responsible for it . You 're responsible for the contents of that house and no matter how much planning you did , no matter how much thought you put into it , nothing can forgive not knowing your house all the way through to the core . From the south west base of the house to the northwest corner . From the garage , all the way up to the back bedroom . Know that house . Know the dangers that are there . This floor is not fucking level . Worse yet . It has lumps . Humps . Peaks and valleys . Hills and dales . It 's a roller coaster . Everything has to be level . Nowhere in the blueprints does it say that the floor should be roller coaster . The average person wouldn 't even know that the floor is almost an inch off level in the corner . Why would they not know that ? They probably haven 't measured . They probably haven 't gone to get the blueprints and looked at them . I 'd be amazed if anyone even knows where to get blueprints . It 's simple . I went to get blueprints the day after I bought this house . It 's very simple . Leave the house . Figure out where you 're standing in relation to the nearest bus stop . Get on the bus that will take you to the trains . The beautiful trains . Admire the trains , appreciate them . Every fifteen minutes they fly by at terrific speeds . The ones you need stop , the ones you don 't , don 't . They 're large and rectangular and when they move they say " clack clack . clack clack " Like dominos . Running by in a blur of motion . Clack clack clack clack . Get on the train that runs into the city . When the train stops at the fifth stop , get off the train . Watch the train leave . Understand that the train is gone , but it will be back when you need it . Take a moment . Breathe . It will be back . It will be back . Back back . Back back . Clack clack . Walk down to Jefferson Street . Turn right . Walk straight four blocks . Washington , Adams , Jefferson , Madison . The streets are named for presidents . They 're named in order . One two three four . Right in a row . At Madison , turn left . Walk up 9 blocks . Walk from 9th to 18th street . Admire the order falling behind you , first to fourth then 9th to 18th . Walk to the third building in . Look at it . It 's the Department of Records . Walk in that building . Go to the third floor . Take the stairs . Always take the stairs . Listen to your feet . In room 309 there is a woman named Anne . Speak to her . There will be forms to fill out . Fill out the forms . Give them back to Anne . She 'll give you a roll of blueprints . Leave the building and get home following the directions in reverse . These are important documents to have . Everything important is in these blue lines . Study them . Remember them . Check them over and over . Spread them out on the floor and hover over each blue line until you know it like you know yourself . Like the palm of your hand , like you know the palm of your hand connects to your forearm and up through the rest of your body . Each turn is important . All the lines are connected . Blue streams of squares . Sectioned , square and sequential . Each place is going someplace else . A constant blue blur of motion . Nothing bad can happen if you know where everything is at all times . I have my blue prints , I 've had them since before I bought the house . I had them since I lived in my last house . I have all the blueprints for all my houses . Each one more important than the next . Each floor of each house was off kilter at some point . I fixed each one with increasing speed and proficiency . Speed is important , always . I need to fix this house . I need to make it right . The floors will be perfect . The floors will be level . The dominos will run through this house like blood , this house will live again . My house will be my home with the soothing clack clack of motion and black . When I woke up this morning , Bob was already in his chair working through cubes . He was finishing a cube and placing it on the floor next to him . Then he 'd get another cube , solve it , and place it next to the first . I 'm not sure what he was doing , but the second and fourth cube were at least a quarter of an inch out of line . I didn 't tell him . I don 't think he would 've heard anyway . I left him go . Besides . I had a lot to do . Bob will be fine in his chair . He 's got bags of those cubes . I need lumber . I could just call the lumber yard and have it delivered , but they won 't pick the right pieces . I need ten eight foot pieces and fourteen ten foot pieces . I can 't wait . The lumber yard is down by the river . It 's within walking distance . It 's a few miles away . Lumber . I 'm goingggg to geeeettt lumbeeerrr . I 'm singingggg aboutttttt lummbeer . It 's lumber day . Things are under . Things are under way ! The only problem with going to the lumber yard is dealing with all the guys who work at the lumber yard . It 's a commotion down there , which I enjoy , but all the guys can really get in the way of things . I don 't really know how anyone works around so many people without killing someone . When I get there I have to speak with the manager right away , so that I can get enough space so that nobody else speaks to me . I hope he understands . He needs to understand and he needs to understand in a very short amount of time , because picking this lumber could very easily take all day . A lot goes into the picking of these timbers and I need him to understand that I cant be disturbed by any of his workers or any of their fantastic machines . I 'll pull the lumber myself , put it in a pile and then one of his machines can come and pick it up , put it on a truck and then they can take it to my house , then drop it on the ground , then I 'll pull the wood into my house and get to work . It 's important that I 'm not bothered . It 's a long walk from my house to the lumber yard . It 's a nice day though . I 've made this walk in the dead of winter . That 's not nearly as enjoyable . Less singing . Significantly less singing . In order to get nearly anywhere I have to walk past the Aramingo Deli . I just refer to it as the deli . It 's the best deli in town and as luck would have it : it 's just around the corner . Lucky for me . Lucky for them . It 's amazing and I love it . I love this deli because they have great sandwiches . I found out that this deli has great sandwiches because my exwife went to highschool with the owner . She and he went to highschool around the corner . They grew up together . Whenever I get a sandwich , Tony Aramingo , the owner of the deli will often tell me a story about my exwife and something they did together in the past . Maybe tell me a story about something they did together with their old group of friends . Maybe tell me how they used to date and isn 't that something . And no it 's not , I 'd just like a deli sandwich please . And a half a pound of cheese . For Bob . Rubi Bob likes cheese sandwiches and I like to make Rubi Bob cheese sandwiches . So I get cheese and bread for the sandwiches . Please give me my order so I can leave , so I can leave and go around the corner and feed me and feed bob and get back to work . Please give me the sandwiches . The windows are bright today . He must be busy . He 's a fat , loud man and I hope he doesn 't see me walk by . I 've got too much going on today to deal with that fat man , despite his delicious deli sandwiches . He 's busy . Thank god he 's busy . Don 't let him ruin Lumber day . It 's not often I get to go outside . It 's not often I get to go to the lumber yard and pick out perfect specimens of lumber which were borne from perfect specimens of trees , which were cut down months ago in some remote and wonderful part of the world just for me . They were planted at a tree farm , or grew naturally . If they grew naturally , it makes the experience all the more remarkable . Thousands of years of history go falling back , falling back into quiet nothingness , watching great trees bare seeds , seeds take root , saplings are formed , those saplings weather all the tortures of the elements . Winds and rain beat at a thin little tree , shoving it as far as it will bend , it has to hold . It has to hold . Don 't snap little sapling , my floors are bent and need you to fix them , ancient sapling . Ancient sapling who grows to a large tree , and bears seed and has his own sapling , and so goes the cycle again . Incessant motion speeds through time making it ok for me to wake up today , walk by Rubicks Bob , past the Aramingo Deli , and into my shoes right this instant . Streams of incidents , smashing and pushing the next along , just so this day exists for me . All right there stretching out in front of me . Amazing . Amazing and beautiful . That thought carries me past the deli , and for just a moment I see fat Tony Aramingo working the meat slicing machine . For just a moment , he sees me too and smirks one of his fat little smirks . I shouldn 't tease him about his weight , if I worked in his shop , I 'd be just as fat . His sandwiches are so good . If I could spend more time in there I would . I 'd be four hundred pounds . I know I 'd be four hundred pounds . If I worked there , everything would align itself and I would put on a dangerous amount of weight , and I 'd die of a heart attack in the bathroom . Bob would be devastated . Actually , he 'd probably be more devastated about not being able to use the bathroom . Nobody would ever even find out if I died in my bathroom because I put on a lot of weight from working at The Deli . Then went home from the deli and went to the bathroom . Then I 'd have to grab my chest . Then I 'd scream , or gasp . Then I 'd fall over . I might even hit my head on that old newspaper on the toilet that I never read . Then I 'd die . Then Bob would have to use the bathroom after a while . He 'd find my dead body . He 'd scream a bit . Then he 'd probably use the bathroom and then his brain would run through a remarkable amount of numbers and computations . He does that when he 's upset . Then whenever that finished he 'd probably leave and go to the Toy Store and buy a few cubes . Then he 'd go to his apartment . Leaving my body to it 's own devices . Bob doesn 't talk to anyone , especially in a situation like that where he 'd be frantic . Nobody would find me for weeks . Nobody would look for me . Nobody would care much . Maybe Tony Aramingo . It would cut into his profits and his fun . But that 's exactly how that would go . It 's all lined up . If I were to get a job at Tony Aramingo 's I would die within two years of my first day on the job . The lumber yard is owned and operated by a man named Jack . I 've dealt with him enough times that he should understand what I need by now . He 's a busy guy but he should remember me . I don 't come there often , and I certainly don 't look like most of his customers . I don 't look like I 'm in construction or anything like that . Besides . I 'm very awkward and guys like that tend to hate me . I don 't talk loud enough . He works by machinery and saws all day . It 's a tough conversation just due to the dynamic of it , but on top of that I 'm uncomfortable talking to people . I get stuck . The lumber yard is a massive place . It 's just on the river and it 's enclosed in chain link fence and barbed wire . There 's a security guard at the gate and I 'm not sure why . I don 't know why the need to guard lumber so tightly , but then I don 't know anything about the lumber business . There 's probably a whole string of reasons why . It seems to be working for them whatever the reason , business seems to be going well . There 's a large entry gate into the yard . It 's so that trucks and such can go through . The road is unpaved , it 's a gravel lot and it 's muddy . I didn 't wear proper shoes . I don 't have proper shoes . I only have one pair of shoes . They 're black shoes . They have white laces . I like black and I like white . I don 't like mud . I 'm going to need new laces after today . I hadn 't thought of that before I came down . It 's not a big deal . I 'll think of the lumber . Think of the lumber . Progress . Progress . The yard is a flurry of motion . There are men everywhere . The majority of them are wearing flannel shirts , brown boots and leather gloves . Men are walking places with piles of lumber on their shoulders . Men are driving fork lifts . Men are yelling at other men to pick up lumber , or drive a fork lift closer to them . It 's a flurry of motion . If it were all for a similar purpose it would be the greatest place in the world . But the motion is uninhibited and uncontrolled . Men are walking to wherever they want at any random point . Any sound , any situation can set them off in a different direction . Lots of yelling . If all this were streamlined I don 't think I 'd ever leave . If all of this were streamlined I would never leave . That 's all there is to it . I need to talk to the security guard . I have to . If I don 't talk to him , I wont get to see Jack the owner operator who inherited the business from his father . His father who inherited the business from his father . Presumably the business will run downward to Jacks son , Jack 's sapling , Bruce . Who is a nice guy and who works in the office . But first , before all that , I need to figure out how I 'm going to talk to the security guard who is a large , imposing man . He 's going to talk loudly , and curtly and he 's not going to like me and it 's going to be frightening . Just breathe just breathe . Do it . " Excuse me . " I must have said it too low because he didn 't hear me at all . He didn 't even look at me . For a moment I think , that 's it . That 's the end of the day . Everything led downhill to this moment and it didn 't work , so get out of here and go home . Start tomorrow . The first time I came down here it took me six tries to just to get past that gate and into the lumber yard . I just don 't like people . I need to adjust . Subtle tweaks in spacing can make or break any set up . Tip anything the wrong way and you can ruin everything . You knock everything down and you have to go back and start fresh . I 'm already almost done with this security guard and I 've only said two words . " Excuse me , sir " And then it worked . And then he turned and we 're off and running . Get it over with quick , just be careful you don 't get swept over . It 's important you figure this out . Get it done get it done . The house needs to be fixed . Plans are in motion . Motion this is part of that motion , be careful , don 't go to quick , don 't go to slow , just move steadily . Clack right through . " Can I help you . " He said . He seems nice , but he 's a bit off . He doesn 't like me already . He 's spooked . He 's going to fall the wrong way and ruin everything . Say something say something quick . " Let me see if he 's here . " He turns to use the phone and I can tell he 's sort of afraid of me . Not afraid . That 's not the right word . He doesn 't like me very much . He thinks I 'm weird . Everyone thinks I 'm weird . I don 't mean to be weird . I just don 't like people very much . That 's all . I like watching the order of things and I don 't get along well with people . I used to get along well with people , but not anymore . Those day 's are done . I don 't like people very much , they 're scary and I just want my wood so I can finish my house so I can start the build and I need to start today or everything is ruined . So many plans . So many plans . Please , please just let me in . It 's so much . It 's so much . Breathe . Breathe . Breathe . " Oh thank god ! " I said it as I was thinking of breathing and it came out in a huff and he looked at me strangely and I rushed right in . I tried to hurry without splashing too much mud on my shoes . It made for a strange walk . Some of the men noticed . I noticed them noticing and tried to walk more normally . Trying to walk normally is more difficult then you would think . I 'm thinking that people are looking at me because of the way I 'm walking , so I have to try to right my walk and walk more how I walk , but how does anyone walk ? How do I walk normally ? I never thought of it . I just walk . Now I 'm being awkward . More people are looking at me . My shoelaces are brown . I need more time . I need more time . " Hey . " He 's looking at me strangely . I just need lumber and I 'm going to leave . Please let me get what I need . Jack . Please Jack . Jack Sapling . This wood was put here for me thousands of years ago and now it 's here or me . And now I 'm here to pick it up and I need it and please don 't get in my way it 's important you don 't get in my way . I need the wood for the house so I can start . Please please please . " Look " he said . " If you want lumber , you can get it here , but you can 't be here all day like last time . You took up entirely too much space last time and this is a business and I 've got a lot to do . If you can get in there , pick out what you need for whatever it is you need it for , but it 's got to be quick and it 's got to be now . " " If not , " he said " you have to get your lumber someplace else . I don 't have the patience for you today . " He remembered me from the last time I was here . He remembers me and he doesn 't like me because last time I took too long because the timber wasn 't right and I needed it to be perfect . I took a long time because it needs to be right , and he doesn 't understand and I made him mad . And I 've ruined it now and I don 't know what to do . Hurry . Hurry . Motion and quickness . You can do this . You 've done this enough times in the past to get this done as quickly as you can . Focus . Focus on the task . There are so many things in the way . Business has boomed for Jack . He 's doing too well , there 's too much commotion . Get it done . Go . The logs are organized on giant shelves . There are hundreds of the types that I need . I need to get lucky and find the perfect ones as quickly as possible . I don 't know how that 's possible . There are a lot of things to considers . Knots are signs of weakness , little holes in the wood . But they 're ok and I like them . I just don 't like a lot of them . A few is fine , any more than a few are no good . They 're garbage instantly . That 's easy . That 's an easy way to cut the number of possible selections down quickly . I should 've brought Bob . He counts quickly . I don 't . There are too many to deal with . I need a few knots , not too many . And they need to be square , perfectly square . Otherwise they 're useless to me . Especially the tops . If the tops aren 't perfectly flat , then they 're ineffective as leveling devices . The floor must be level otherwise the routes become muddled . I can 't force the routes , the routes have to go wherever they must go . I can 't dodge lumps and bumps in my flooring . It 's my fucking floor , its mine to fix . I need it level . I don 't have time for this . All of history has led to these pieces of wood being laid out before me . Everything every move in the planet has dictated that these wood be mine to choose from . And Jack is ruining everything . There are too many , too many . The selecting is impossible . It 's frantic and hurried . Pull them . Just pull them . No . I need to look , figure it out . Figure it out . How can you get this done . Just pick , c ' mon . You 're wasting time . Move . I attacked the stack of lumber . I jumped up on top of one pile , and just took each piece with one hand and threw it behind me as I sorted . Straight behind me . Just sorting as fast as I possibly could , and not really thinking about what was behind me . I shut down most of my brain and just set to throwing these timbers down behind me . Just trying to get a quick glance at each piece before moving on to the next . I was making a bit of a mess , but I didn 't have time to worry about that . They probably pay someone to come out and clean the grounds when people start throwing logs around . I 'll bet it happens all the time . " What the fuck are you doing ? " Jack was running up , keep sorting . He 's going to throw you out , quick quick . Keep sorting . The timbers were making " Bong bong bong " noises as they clattered on the ground and bumped into other pieces of wood . It was a good sound , but not very soothing . It 's not really important if he throws you out , there 's another lumber yard a few blocks away . But we need to get sorted . Get started . " I 'm trying to be fast , I 'm sorry . " I said back to him . I 'm praying he heard that , he looks like he 'd want to hit me if I don 't answer the right way . And he could , they 'd have no way of knowing he hit me . Even if He wound up beating the hell out of me , there 's enough people here to cover it up and he 'll get away fine . He could kill me . All his worker bees could bury me right below all these saplings and nobody would ever know . Bob , would just live in my apartment going about his day like nothing ever happened . Like he never met me in the first place . He 'd probably be better off , but I don 't know who would fix him sandwiches . No time to worry about that . " Fast ? What the fuck are you throwing everything all over the place for ? You 're going to kill somebody ! " He 's mad . Tell him about the dominos . Let him know why you need them . At the very least tell him something . " I can 't have too many knots . I can 't have too many knots because it spoils the wood . If the wood is spoiled the wood is weak , and if the wood is weak it wont - it wont be able to help me . I just need the wood . The wood was put here for me . The wood existed from forever ago and it grew up and found me and now it 's here for me and I need to take it now but I have to find it first please . I need to find it so I can use it for what it 's for . You didn 't stop me last time . I was slower last time but you didn 't stop me . You didn 't stop me because you weren 't as busy . You weren 't as busy because your business wasn 't as strong . Your business wasn 't as strong because you weren 't as busy - - . " " Shut up ! Christ . C ' mon . Get your shit . Let 's go . " He 's angry . I don 't know why he 's angry . I haven 't done anything wrong . ' M going to pay . It 's not like I 'm not going to pay . " Please , I 'll just take these . Please . I 'll make it work . Please . Please . Please . " I grabbed him . I didn 't mean to but I did , he was walking away and he was literally dragging me through the mud . " Please , please . " I begged him . I was so close to getting started , even closer to being finished . " I 've been coming here for years , please just let me go . " " Ok , all right . Get offa me . Christ man . What the fuck is with you . " He was standing over me . I was sitting in the mud . " I think so . " Ten eight and 14 ten . Please . " He helped me up . I was crying . I didn 't realize I was crying . It 's been a while since I 'd cried . I had a better reason the last time . This was ridiculous . But it 's important . Jack should not have pushed me like that . I didn 't do anything wrong . I just needed everything to work out perfectly . Now I have to work with these misshapen timbers . I don 't know if it 's going to work anymore . All this planning . All this planning . All this planning . I left the lumber yard after I finalized the delivery and paid for everything . Lumber is more expensive than you think . It 's all right . I have the money for a little while longer . Everything is almost done anyway . On the way back I walked by The Deli . I hoped Tony wouldn 't be outside . He 's outside a lot when I walk by . I 'm sure there are a lot of reasons for why that is , but I don 't know any of them . I just have to think " it 's one of those things . " And I hate thinking that . I 'll have to work out why he almost always manages to be out front when I walk by . It 's probably just because he 's always outside and I walk by a lot . Probably just a probability thing . I should ask Bob when I get home , presuming Bob is still at my house . But , I 'm pretty sure he is . He had all his cubes with him today and I know he doesn 't have anything to do . More than likely he 's at my house solving cube after cube after cube , it 's only been a few hours . Tony is outside . Tony is outside because he 's hosing down the pavement . He 's hosing down the pavement because it makes him look like he 's doing something even though he 's doing nothing at all . There is no reason in the world to hose down a pavement . Not that I 'm aware of . If it didn 't mean speaking to Tony Aramingo , I would ask Tony Aramingo why he hosed down the sidewalk . Tony is a fat man with a hose . He usually wears whites . Deli garb . When a man works at a deli , he 's usually covered in bits of lunchmeat . Blood really . He 's covered in blood . Not Tony . Tony was scott clean . Tony was always scot clean . He made sure he never did an ounce of work , but reaped all the benefits . There 's a kid here , he works here for extra money for school . He works for extra money because his folks cant afford to send him to school . I overheard him talking about it while waiting for a hoagie one day . He 's a nice kid . At the end of the day he 's always covered over in evidence of his day at work . Sweat , dirt , sandwich bits . He works hard . Tony hoses the sidewalk . Just keeps everything outside looking clean . That 's Tony Aramingo . He was outside on my way back from the lumber yard . " Yo ! " He said . He was hosing my way . It was too late to cross the street . For most of the way back I was going through patterns in my head . Things to do , ways to place all the dominos . Would I have enough ? Probably not . I 'd need to get to the store and get another big order . Patterns . Hearts . Stars . Figure eights . Lanes and twists . One at a time . A steady hand and a pure , focused mind . Each black figure floating towards the finish line . Each shape divine and different . We 're running now . Look at the black shapes . They 're going to keep going , flowing together . It 's easy for me to fall into these thoughts and it speeds the walk along . My shoes make good sounds on the pavement . The faster I walk the faster it blurs the faster I walk the faster it goes . I lose concentration . I sort of go away . Sometimes I wind up far past my house . Once I came around at a red light sixteen blocks from my house . It took about an hour to walk back . I must 've just soothed down into the sounds for an hour . But it wasn 't wasted time . A lot of planning got done on that trip . Today was one of those days . I could 've walked to the other side of the earth if Tony Aramingo and his hose hadn 't come along . I should have crossed the street . If I had been thinking of the double shift line instead of the double wrap around , I probably would 've crossed the street . But I wasn 't , and now I had to live with that choice . I was thinking of the double shift , I wouldve been across the street and I could 've avoided this whole problem . Now I have to deal with this fat idiot and his hose . Though . His hose is fascinating . Water is entrancing . Fluid . Like Dominos . " Home . " I was still walking fast . I was walking faster and faster as I got closer and closer . I was trying to match the sound of my shoes to the sound of the water . Both were splatting against the pavement . My shoes were still mushy and wet from the mud . The faster I walked the closer I got to reaching a harmonic rhythm with the water . Just keep it up . Don 't listen to this idiot . He 's going to ruin your whole day . Just keep walking past . Just try to get by . I 'm going to have to cross that river of water eventually . I can wash all the mud off my shoes . That would be helpful , but I should just jump over it and keep going . I don 't want to splash the water and ruin the sound . I need to get home . I should tell bob about my day , about all the commotion at the lumber yard . He 'd like the lumber yard I don 't know why I 've never taken him down there . Lots of stacks of rectangles . " Yes . I 'm headed home because I left because I had to go to the lumber yard because I needed lumber but there was a situation where Jack was yelling at me because I was making a mess . I was making a mess because I was in a hurry . I was in a hurry because the last time , I was there too long for Jack . Jack got the lumber yard from his father . Who got it from his father . . . " " Right . Right . Lumber . Ya gotta have lumber . " What 's the point of talking ? Why would anyone waste their time saying things like this man just let fly out of his mouth . Nobody gained anything from what he just said . I don 't even know what is going on . " You want a sandwich ? " Damn . I did . I did want a sandwich . One of those ones where he puts the olive oil on the roll before he puts the lunch meat on there , then bakes the whole thing so the olive oil works into the roll . Oh . Oh damn . I do want a sandwich . Damn . " I would like a sandwich , yes . I 'm hungry because I was at the lumber yard earlier and there was a lot of commotion and it made me hungry . There was a lot of commotion because - " " Yeah , right . Lumber . I 'll fix you somethin nice . " He brought me into the store . I wasn 't expecting to go into the store today . My feet were muddy . I was going to tell him but then I 'd wind up telling him about why they were muddy and I 'd be back into the lumber story again . It 's hard for me not to tell the whole story all the time . If he asked me why my feet were muddy , and I just said " mud . " it wouldn 't be much of an explanation , would it ? Of course there was mud at some point . That much is clear , but then when do you stop ? When do you stop telling him about why your feet were muddy ? The lumber ? The floor ? The dominos ? The house before this ? The event ? High school ? It goes back and back and back . When does it end ? " Yeah , we 'll get you fixed up . " he says . He 's looking at me now . He always sort of stares at you . It makes a person uncomfortable . I think he likes that , gives him a little feeling of power before he starts in on you . Or at the very least that 's what he does before he talks to me . Every time . Every single time . " You know I was with Elaine before you right ? " I nodded . I did know that . He always told me . He always told me right after he asked if I wanted provolone . If nothing else , I admired the consistency of the event . It was always the same . It moved the same way . I liked that about it . I liked that and provolone cheese and olive oil . He 's going to talk about the springtime dance . And then he 's going to talk about make out point . And then he 's going to tell me half of the story so that my imagination runs away with me and I try to figure out exactly what happened that night . He figures I 'll assume the worst and then feel bad all day . That 's how he works . That 's how his mind works . One by one by one . " You know I took her to the Springtime dance one time right ? " I nodded . He took my Elaine to the Springtime Dance . She didn 't have a good time . She told me so . She said that he just walked around and talked to his friends the whole time , while she sat and drank punch on the far side of the room . When they danced he stepped on her feet and his breath smelled like he 'd been drinking . She wasn 't sure if he had been , but she was always a bit naive . He had been . He brought a flask of Jack Daniels in his inside pocket . " Man . I was banged up that night . I brought a flask of Jack Daniels in that inside pocket . You know the ones in the suits ? " I nodded . I did . I 've worn suits . I had a black one that I wore from time to time , on big occasions . My life is slowly running out of big occasions so I get less and less use out of the suit . I had a few chances to wear the suit in the last year or so , but I was busy on the days of the events , so I stayed at home and worked , but wore the suit while I structured and built . I like the suit . It 's layered and leveled . The tie got in the way a few times . It started a few lines now and again . It was irritating but challenging . I am very patient . We 're the only two people in the store . I 'm not sure where the kid is . The one who 's usually working his tail off while Tony hoses the street . There aren 't any customers . It 's a strange hour of the day . Most people are at work . Tony is at work . He 's filling a roll with a selection of meats and provolone cheese . He continues . He goes on . And on . " We dance all night . Oh boy . It was a blast . " They only danced for three songs , and when they did , he stepped on her toes and she smelled his breath . That 's all that happened . I know this because she told me . I know it with all my heart because she told me . She wouldn 't lie to me . Never . " Then afterwards , " This is where it gets hard to be in this store . To be so close to this fat man who is in charge of most of my eating . I hate this part of the story . But that 's where we are in the conversation and this is where it 's going . He 's going to hit the cliffhanger . He 's purged through all the boring setup that doesn 't really set much up at all , and now he 's going to go for the cliffhanger . Here we go . He 's got that smirk on his face . Just a slow grin that lets out that same smell that she must have smelled that night so long ago that exists so differently for the both of them . Here it goes . " And then we went up to Look Out Point . But you don 't want to hear about that though . That 's not something you 're interested in . I mean , hellcat . You know what I mean . She was a hellcat that night . " She wasn 't ever a hell cat . She was my wife . I 'd tell him so , but I 'd run through the entire story and if he interrupted me I don 't know what I would do . I had a dream about it once . I woke up crying . I was thrilled about it . He was terrible . " We get up there and she . Is . Hot . Let me tell you . . . " He 's touching my food and talking about my wife . Dreams . Put it aside . Think about dominos . Don 't think about him . Don 't think about her . Don 't think of the event . He 's almost through now . He 's at the cliff hanger . He 'll be done . " But I don 't think I need to go on . " He didn 't ever need to go on . He didn 't need to start . Today must have been different . I don 't know why . He kept talking . He was done making the sandwich , had wrapped it in deli paper , but decided to keep speaking . Luckily enough , he changed topic . But I wish he hadn 't . I wish he just handed me my sandwich and then I could leave and then I could eat this perfect meal and continue with my project . " What 's his name again ? " I 'd never told him in the first place but I guess it was fair to tell him . He had been feeding him for the last few months . " I call him Rubicks 's Bob because he likes Rubick 's Cubes and his name is Bob . " I don 't know how he knew I called him that , but I didn 't care . I just wanted to leave . I needed to get out of here . This conversation has gone on for long enough , and suddenly it 's going on for longer than it usually does and it 's making me uncomfortable . I started to sweat and I 'm sure it was noticeable . He was making me sweat and he was enjoying it . That 's what he wanted all along . That 's what he wants every time . He feels like I 'm some weak weirdo and he 's a big strong guy and it 's his job to pick on me and my job to be picked on . " Ahh , that 's right . That 's right . " He 's acting like he knew that . I 'm sure that he never did . " What 's he some kinda weirdo . " I started sweating even more . I was swaying back and forth . Fidgeting . He 's getting under my skin and he knows it . I don 't want to tell him anything about Bob . Bob shouldn 't be exposed to this horrible man , even though he makes a delicious sandwich . " I saw him walk by here a few times with those cubes of his . Pretty impressive stuff . " He did know Bob . And he knew what Bob did . Don 't destroy Bob , you filth . Don 't talk about Bob . Don 't talk about my wife . Don 't talk about Bob . Just make my sandwich and let me leave . " Yeah , maybe I should have a talk with him one of these days . I try to talk to everybody who walks by the store . Keep the community up , you know . " I know . He talks to everyone . He 's the gossip center of town . He starts every rumor . He digs into everyone 's lives and uses it for his own gain . He turns people against each other . Against me . And always . Always with the cliffhanger anecdotes , leaving you worry for the worst . He knows you know that he 's capable of the worst . Here it comes now . " Yeah , I should have a talk with him . Maybe me and him could work something out . . . . " Cliffhanger comment . What could they possibly have to talk about . I can 't even imagine . I 'll have to think about all the possible strings that could connect Bob and Tony to each other and what they together could connect to that would do anything for Tony . Bob is like me , he 's barely a person half of the time . Tony has been talking to me for fifteen minutes and I haven 't said a word , which is volumes more than what Bob would say . I 'm going to have to tell bob . I 'm going to have to do something for Bob . " It 's a shame me and you never got along . We used to get on ok , right ? " I nodded . " Back when you were a little more normal . Right before you killed your wife . . . " That Tony , always with the cliffhangers . I walked as fast as I could back to the house . Clack clack . I concentrated on my shoes . Clack clack . Clack clack . Not his place to bring that up . Not at all . He was there at the Spring Dance . That 's fine . Tell that story , that 's his story to tell and lie about . Not his place to talk about the event . None . Clack clack . Clack ! I got back to my house a few minutes later with sandwiches for me and Bob . I decided to wait to tell him about everything because if I started telling him about how he shouldn 't talk about Tony , I 'd have to tell him about Tony and my wife , and then I 'd have to tell him about my wife and the event . I can 't deal with that right now , besides , Bob seems to have encased himself in Rubick 's Cubes . When I left earlier that day he was solving cubes and lining them around his recliner . Over the course of the day , he had built those lines higher and higher . He was still solving cubes , furiously fast . He had created a box out of cubes , it ran completely around the recliner . He 'd stacked them up as high as the middle of the chair . " Winning . " He says that a lot when you ask him about the cubes . It 's all about winning . I 'd never seen him surround himself like this though . Walling himself off like he was . He was incessant , but his walls were starting to get too high for him to reach his bags of cubes . I wasn 't sure how he was going to continue at this point , or how he was going to finish . Or for that matter , what the finish was . What was the end of the game ? " Bag . " He said . Apparently I was the solution to the " how am I going to reach my bag " Puzzle . I grabbed his duffel bag and handed it to him over one of the walls of cubes . The one with all the blue facing out . He took it from me and didn 't say anything else . He just continued stacking and solving , solving and stacking . I let him go . I didn 't even mention the sandwich . It was better I didn 't , I might get caught in a situation where I run through the whole event . And I don 't need to do that right now . Not yet . I 'll tell him later . " I 'm going to go upstairs , Bob . If you need anything come get me . " I said it but it didn 't really mean much . I don 't think he heard a word of it . I briefly wondered how high he would go before he realized it would be impossible to completely enclose himself in the cubes . Or how he would get out . In order to close the box on himself , he 'd have to put a flat row of cubes over the top of the box . It would be physically impossible . Though I 've seen Bob do some pretty impressive things with a rubicks cube , I don 't know if he can suspend them in mid air . Maybe he could . I don 't have a lot of doubts about it either way . But eventually he 's going to run out of reach . He 's not tall enough to reach the ceiling even if he stands on the chair . I don 't think he is . Maybe he is . I don 't know . Though I question his ability to keep it structurally sound the whole way up . I know a thing or two about balance and that 's probably going to come over around the 20th level or so . It 'll just start swaying , and then other parts will sway , and then they 'll all sway too much and it 'll all come down . Nothing good lasts forever . Not me , not her , not bob or his hand made , color coordinated prison . I need to go lie down . I hate to do it , but I 'm going to eat my sandwich and take a nap . I should be working on the project . I should be working . Planning is great , but especially now , I just want to sit with my crates of dominos and set to work . Quiet . Organized . Nothing but hours upon hours of steady handed problem solving . No interruptions . I 'll be there in a few days . I don 't need much more . I need to stock up on food . I don 't know if I could handle going back to Aramingo 's . Maybe once or twice . Goddamn those sandwiches . He 'd be completely out of my life it weren 't for those sandwiches . The all consuming power of consumption . But I 'll be free of everything in a few days . Once I start laying the beginning tracks down , everything will fall behind . Fall behind . Fall forward . Forward motion like nothing else . Nobody 's seen anything like it . It 's important that I lie down for a little while . After I eat the sandwich . I 'll go over plans while I eat the sandwich , but that 'll be it . I can 't go much further until I get the lumber anyway . The unknown lumber . I wonder how that 's going to turn out . It better be close . I need it to work out . I also need to find my saw . I think I may have left it at my last house . I may have left it at the last house because I did such a good job last year of picking out lumber . I barely needed to alter anything . Of course that wound up ruining my whole day today . I should have seen that last time . I should have known that picking out the best lumber last time would start everything down a road that would lead to me hiding in my room while my friend hid from everything downstairs . I should have known that I wouldve wound up nearly getting tossed out of the lumber yard , then running into that fat jerk , then getting a sandwich and then . . . . AH ! No more . No more . Stop stop . Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then he talked about my wife . And then he finished the sandwich and then he got that look in his eyes and then he talked about the event and then I took my sandwiches and I walked home clack clack clack and then I saw bob and he was boxing himself in and I had to help him do it . I helped him cage himself in his cubes and then I went upstairs to eat a sandwich from that fat fuck that fat prick how the fuck fuck fuck fatfuck . . . And then I blacked out . I fell down deep . Off the edge . Into a pool of water . It was water from his hose . From the clean man outside of the deli . The pool of water was rushing down to the gutter . I was in it . I was cruising along . Clack clack . The scene disappeared around me . The skies and the buildings all melted , replaced by black . Black Black . Two white dots in the distance . They erupted in the middle of all the blackness . Bang bang . I floated down below them . Diagonal spots hovering above me . Snake eyed domino coming to crush me . Clack Clack . Clack clack . Eyes of a train . Clack clack . Clack clack . I killed her on the train . Clack clack . She 's gone and I 'm here . I killed her and she killed me . Come back . Come back . There were too many people . I didn 't mean it . Too many things fell down the wrong way . If I had changed any one thing , she 'd be with me . In this house , but it would be full of life , she 'd be swirling around where ever she goes . There would be light . If she were still here , I 'd be all right . Just fine . Bob would be gone . The floor downstairs would be perfectly level and filled with furniture . This room with her clothing , other rooms filled with children and life . Movement . Forward movement . But she 's not . But she fell . But I pushed her . Clack clack . Clack clack " ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC " It woke me . It was from downstairs . It was bob . I was still on the bed . I was half on my pillow , half on a sandwich . The nap and the sandwich ruined each other . Ruined . " ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC . " My name is Eric . He 's calling for me . I don 't know why . Either he 's trapped , or it fell . One or the other . Maybe it 's both . It fell and he 's trapped underneath . Maybe I should leave him there and eat his sandwich . Shit . " Hang on . I 'll be right there . I was dreaming . I was sleeping . I napped . I was tired . " Exhausting to have to talk like that . I don 't know why I do it with Bob . I 'm not even sur he understands half the things I say anyway . " Eric Eric Eric Eric . " " I 'm coming , Bob . I 'm coming . " Moving forward through the hallway towards the stairs , I can hear him crying a little . He 's whimpering . I 'm still not sure if he succeeded or not , but whatever happened it made him sad . Whatever happens , it 's probably going to make you sad . It 's just an eventuality . You start off however you want . You 're going to wind up sad . It 's the last brick . Every time . Rounding the corner and setting foot on the first stair I can already see that I was right . There are cubes everywhere . Rubick 's bob has escaped his prison at least . That 's probably the best of it . But he 's probably furious that the building is either done , or demolished . He probably had his heart set on living inside that cube for the rest of his days . If that 's the way he wanted to go , I would have let him . I would have to make arrangements in the living room , but who am I to tell anybody how to live their lives . Die their deaths . Bob was on the floor . He was resting on his haunches . He was staring and he was crying a lot . More than I thought he 'd be . He was grabbing at the cubes . He was just sort of pushing them around , like he decided to bring them near him , and then decided to push them away at the last second . He was just sort of smearing them . Batting them like a cat . I didn 't really know what to do . Bob and I didn 't even know each other all that well . We just share similar obsessions . I almost said psychosis just then . That wouldn 't have been accurate or fair . We just enjoy different things and we enjoy them more than most people . It 's not a crime . Not yet anyway . Bob just sort of gestured around him like I didn 't see the cubes everywhere and then said nothing . I didn 't know what to do . " What should I do Bob , I don 't know what to do . " He just kept crying and batting the cubes around . Swirling the mess . Each cube running off at random into another cube like atoms smashing . They made a beautiful sound , but I couldn 't hear over Bob 's constant crying . Screaming . Like a child . " Come on Bob , get in your chair . You shouldn 't sit on the floor , you 'll get sick . " I 'm pretty sure it 's not true , but it 's something my mother always told me when I was a child . Most of the time it didn 't make sense . I knew it even then , but it was comforting to know she was looking out for me . She wanted me to get off the floor because I was her child and she wanted me to be safe and probably , just like now , for me to stop screaming . I picked him up under his armpits and helped him back into his chair . I had to brush a few cubes off the seat in order to set him down . As they clacked on the ground he kicked them and sent them skittering off towards the front door . He looked like he hated them . I knew how he felt . But it didn 't matter . I couldn 't relate that to him . He was just angry that his castle fell . When he was seated his wails slowed somewhat , though he was still clearly upset . I reached down and picked up a cube and scrambled it . He lunged at it and solved it in about ten seconds . His right hand made the first turn . After that I couldn 't tell what he was doing . " I got you a sandwich , you want a sandwich . " He didn 't answer , he just shook his head and scrambled his cube . I handed him the mystery sandwich . I didn 't see what Tony fixed him . I started " I didn 't see . . . " But I cut myself off . I didn 't want to get into it again . I just handed him a paper square which presumably hid a sandwich inside . He took it and opened it up . There was a ham and cheese on rye with lettuce , tomato , onion and pickles . It was cut diagonally and I each half had a frilly toothpick stabbed through the center . One was red and one was green . There was also a piece of paper stabbed through the green one . It rested on the sandwich . He pulled the green toothpick , looked at the card and put it in his top pocket . Then he started to eat the sandwich . " What 's it say on the card , Bob . " Bob had a mouth full of sandwich meat and didn 't even look up at me . I can 't figure this guy out and he lives in my house . Sometimes he seems like a five year old child , then other times he 's like a grown man . He just looks like an average guy , eating a sandwich , brushing off a ridiculous comment by one of his buddies . He looked at me like I was crazy . His eyes said " What ? Like I 'm going to tell you ? You crazy prick . " " Bob ? Bob what 's on the card , Bob . I bought you the sandwich Bob . " He looked up at me with a mouth full of meat and cheese and said " says not to show you . " " The card says not to show me ? " That fat bastard is slipping notes to my friend and he 's dumb enough to put it in the sandwich I bought , like we weren 't going to eat it together and then writes " don 't tell Eric . " among whatever else is on that card . That takes a lot of guts . Fat , fat guts . " Bob . Show me the card . I paid for the card Bob . Let me see that card . " I was getting angry with Bob . I just picked him up off the floor . He should show me what it says on the card . " Bob I just picked you up off the floor Bob . Show me the card . " " Fuck that card Bob . I just picked you up off the floor because you were on the floor crying because you woke me up because I was sleeping because I was tired from the day because I had to deal with the fat asshole who gave you that card because he was out front washing the sidewalk for no fucking reason while I walked by because I had to go get lumber for my project because the floors are uneven because . . . . because tell me what 's on the card Bob . " it takes a lot to get me angry , but I made a lunge for him . It didn 't really need to be much of a lunge . I said this " nyahh ! " as I lunged ! Bob didn 't even move . He just kept chewing . I guess because the card didn 't say I couldn 't read it , just that he shouldn 't show me . I read the card . Here 's what it says : " I think me and you could should work something out . You should give me a call . Maybe we can make each other some money . " then it listed his number . I don 't know what it meant really . I just know I don 't want that guy anywhere near Bob . " Bob . Forget this happened . You don 't want to deal with this guy . He 's a bad person . He 's a bad person because . . . because . . . . because I say so Bob . You understand ? " On the other side of the card was another phone number . It said " This is it , Bob . You and me . " It was a one eight hundred number . I have no idea what it could be for . How could Bob make anyone any money . Also , why don 't I have a phone ? Oh yeah . That 's why . I 've got some things to work out now . I have to find a phone or talk to Tony . I cannot and I will not talk to Tony ever again . Unless it 's a sandwich order . That 's the only way . If he starts talking to me in any other way , I will not speak to him , or I will crush him . One or the other . I 've got to figure out what this number is for . How Bob could help Tony . Though , Tony has an angle on everything . I think Tony thinks I 'm very crazy , when in fact , I " m just a little crazy . I don 't think that guy ever said a word to me before everything happened . Then , after everything happened , I started coming around a bit more and he would just tell me whatever was on his mind because he 's never really heard me talk . I don 't talk much . I wind up nodding ninety percent of the time I 've seen him . He thinks I 'm fully gone , so he doesn 't have any problems talking to me about whatever is on his mind . Tony runs that Deli . He doesn 't do much there , but he 's got his feet wet in a few other areas of life . His deli isn 't even how he makes most of his money . He scams a lot of good people out of their money . He knows a lot of the wrong people . He helps a lot of the wrong people wash their money through his deli . He 's not a good person . More than likely he 's spotted a mark in Bob and is going to try to take advantage of him . I cannot , will not allow that to happen . I 'll need to set things in motion so that doesn 't happen . I need a phone . Chapter Four Bob finished his sandwich and fell asleep sitting up . He had the wrapping papers and what looked to be half the weight of the sandwich in crumb form all over his chest . The red toothpick was in his mouth . I picked up the paper and the green toothpick , brushed some crumbs off him onto the paper and threw it away . I tried to pull the red toothpick out of his mouth , but he started to stir when I pulled on it . So I stopped . I let him have it . I just hoped he wouldn 't choke . He probably wouldn 't . I still had the card in my hand . He probably had forgotten all about it by now . He was sleeping and that was that as far as he was concerned . Just to be sure I mixed up forty or so cubes on the floor . Whatever happened , he wouldn 't be able to move until he found all the one 's that were scrambled , then righted them all . I spread them around . Some were solved , some weren 't . Some had just the top face of them untouched . He would have to sort through all of the cubes to figure out which were solved and which weren 't . He 'd be there for a while . It would give me time to get to a phone and figure out what was going on . There weren 't many places I could go to use a phone . Everyone has a cell phone these days . I don 't have a cell phone because I don 't like talking on the phone because I don 't like talking to people because I talk like this and it makes people hate me . I thought about the problem while I scrambled some cubes on the floor in front of a sleeping Rubicks Bob . A phone would be tricky . I didn 't know any of the neighbors . I was not about to go down to the deli . There were a few other stores within walking distances , but there weren 't any pay phones . I could walk into the store and ask to use the phone , but they wouldn 't let me use it . Why would they let a random man into their store to use the phone , especially one who rarely talks , and when he does , won 't stop talking . It 's a weird person to have floating around your store and it 's probably not a good idea to start a relationship with him . The train station . I could go to the train station . There are payphones at the train station . I saw the payphones at the train station when I was taking the train to get the blueprints for the house . I was getting the blueprints for the house so that I could measure everything . To be sure . I need to be sure . I need to know what 's on the other end of this phone line . What could Tony want with Rubicks Bob . I scrambled a few more cubes for good measure , and hid two in the closet . Bob would be counting as he solved the puzzles and he would realize that two were missing . He 'd tear the house apart looking for them . He wouldn 't figure everything out until later on when I get home . Phone . I didn 't get as far as I thought that I would . I shut the door behind me and walked down the stairs to the sidewalk . Across the street there was a woman leaving her house at the same time . I don 't know why . I 'd never seen her before . There aren 't many people who live on this block anymore . Especially My side of the block . My side of the block was empty . A series of abandoned row homes that had long since been bought and paid for , sold and moved out of , inhabited and uninhabited over the last few years . She must have been new . I didn 't even know that house was up for sale . I never saw the sign . I would have noticed . I had to put my head down though . I didn 't need to be bothered right now . I didn 't want to talk to anyone . This day had been ruined already with talking to people . I 've talked more in the last ten hours than I have in months . It 's been enough and I don 't really need this on top of everything else . I put my head down and walked a little faster for the sidewalk . " Hey ! Hey ! " She 's coming for me . She 's coming for me . No . No . No . Keep walking . Don 't run . That wouldn 't be nice . But don 't rule it out either . If she gets a little closer , maybe run . Think about running . But right now , walk quick like you have to get somewhere quick . And you do . You need to get to the phone as quick as you can . But she trumped me . She started running first . " Hey ! Wait up ! " and she started running towards me . I looked over my shoulder and saw her hustling as fast as she could . As soon as she saw me look , she knew there was no way I didn 't know she was talking to me . " Heeeyyy ! " She said as she got progressively closer . I was starting to look like one of those goofball sleepwalkers so I decided to make a run for it too . I 'm not very fast and I 'm wearing dress shoes , so keep that in mind . I was equal parts frightened and impressed by her ability to run at full speed and yell at the same time . She kept yelling for me to stop , but I couldn 't stop . I needed to get to the train station and I needed to not talk to her even more than that . So I took off . People driving by probably thought it looked a little strange . It 's a sexist country we live in . If the rolls were reversed and I were chasing her , someone would 've ran me over with a car by now . But she 's chasing after me and nobody seems to care . At least one car full of people was laughing at me . I was watching them laugh at me when I caught my foot on the curb and I fell onto the ground . I fell onto the ground and I landed on my knee and the skin on my knee tore open , then instinctively my hands went out to stop my fall , the skin on the pats of my hands pulled off . And then I sort of rolled , and in doing so scratched the side of my face on the ground . It had been a bad day . " Oh my god ! " she yelled . I scrambled to get back to my feet but she was on me before I could pull myself together . " Oh my god are you ok ? I 'm so sorry . " I was bleeding and wasn 't really all together by the time she came to me . I was a little rattled from the adrenaline . There was blood falling from my hands . I needed to get to a phone . Phone . Phone . " Phone . " I said . She doesn 't know what that means . I don 't really know why I said anything out loud . " No no . You don 't have to call anybody . I 'm not going to hurt you , I just wanted to say hello , then I tried to catch up with you , then you started running and then I wanted to catch up so that I could tell you I wasn 't really chasing you . And this looks really bad . I 'm so sorry . Here , let me help you up . " " No no . I 'm ok . " I started to stand up , but I was still a little frazzled . This woman liked to talk so much that she chased me down like a dog . We weren 't going to get along and I still had to get to the phone . " I don 't want to talk . I have to get to a phone . At the train station . "

In honor of a friend of mine getting hired on as the Managing Editor of NaNoWriMo , National Novel Writing Month , I 've decided to post my failed attempt at writing a novel in a month . I 'll never get back to it anyway , and why the hell not let you see how truely awful I am . It 's 22 pages long . I got to 15k , then just sort of stopped . This year though , I 'm going to write 50k if it kills me . Rubicks Bob is my friend He is my friend because we share very similar interests . He is my friend because we spend a lot of time together at the store . I 'm at the store a lot buying " toys . " He is also at the store a lot buying " toys . " We met because we were there at the same day at the same time . He was there because he needed a few new Rubicks cubes . I was there because I needed another case of dominos . He got there later than he thought because of traffic . I got there earlier than I thought because I was coming from the other direction . I was coming from the other direction because I moved from the North East to the South West a few months ago . I 'll be moving again soon . I 'm going to try to stop talking that way . It 's hard for me . It 's hard for me because everything happens because of something else and if I start thinking about anything it 's hard for me to not thing of all the things that came before it because what 's the point of even knowing the last thing if you don 't know the first thing and all the connected things in the middle ? I don 't talk to people much . I try not to . If I start talking I have a hard time stopping because of all the things I already said . I like bob because he doesn 't talk much either . Bob would be more comfortable if we all talked in numbers and patterns . I understand because I would be more comfortable if we all talked sequentially and connectively . Some things make sense differently . I like dominos . Bob likes cubes . He shops at the same store that I shop at . Hank 's Toy Emporium . Bob calls it 4105 , sometimes 1405 , sometimes 5041 , sometimes 0541 , because it 's located at 4105 in the Burlington Mall . Sometimes he calls it all the possible permutations of that number , there are a lot . I 'm not sure how many . Ask Bob . He get 's stuck sometimes like that , he 'll rattle off numbers for hours . I let him go and try to figure out why he 's going in the direction that he 's going . Bob doesn 't really understand directions . He 's just everywhere at once . I think lineally . It makes more sense . For me . Today I 'm starting in the basement . I always start in the basement . Start from the ground up . The ground up . I 'm in the basement , I 've only gone through a few boxes of dominos so far . This whole house will be alive again . This whole house will have motion and movement . I start in the basement , start in the basement , start in the basement , move forward move forward move forward . I 've only gone through 3 , 200 dominos . 2 , 300 , 0203 , Bob would say . Coming in from the back door there is a hallway which leads directly to the stairwell , behind the stairwell is a storage space , behind the storage space is a walk in closet , behind that is the main room of the basement , it 's very large and occupies the majority of the floor , on the far end is a small bathroom which contains only a sink and a toilet , there is a small window and a ledge high on the back wall , it looks out to the ground level , to the left of the bathroom is the far wall , turning you find yourself looking at the main room of the basement once again , ten paces in front of you is a wall with a door in it , this door leads to the garage which is nearly empty , there is a bike and some paint cans left over from the previous owner , there is a garage door , then you 're outside . There is nothing else to tell about the basement . There is no furniture . Come back in the back door , you 're now facing the stairs that lead to the second floor . There are six stairs , then there is a landing , then the stairs make a 90 degree turn left , then there are six more stairs , you are now in the kitchen . Directly to your left is a refrigerator facing the same way you are , then there is a series of cabinets and a counter top that wrap around until you are facing approximately 9oclock . There is a sink here , above the sink is a window , next to that the counter top starts again , there is a washing machine below the counter top directly next to the sink , above the washing machine there is another cabinet . It is the last cabinet in the room . There is then a window , then a far wall that 's covered with ugly yellow tile . In the middle of the room is a small table and above it a small chandelier . Chandelier is a grand term for it , it 's a light that hangs from the ceiling . Now , looking at 12oclock , walk forward three paces , then turn right . You are now walking through a door that goes into the dining room , the dining room is large and vacant . No furniture . There is a wide opening that leads into the living room , the living room has a grey recliner in the middle of it and no other furniture . There is a large mirror on the right hand wall . Directly in front of you is a bay window . If I had a cat he would sit there in the sun . I don 't have a cat so there is nothing in the bay window , the sun only touches the recliner in the middle of the room . There is no artificial light in this room . No lamps . No chandeliers . No lights . Standing at the recliner and looking out the window , turn to 9oclock again , you are now facing the stairway . The stairway has 13 stairs , just like the set that leads to the basement . Directly in front of you is the back bedroom , the door is shut and locked , I don 't use this room . The door is shut and locked . Inside there is nothing but two windows on the outside wall . These windows have newspaper taped over them . Turn left there is another bedroom . There is nothing in there but the door is open and unlocked . To the left of this room there is a bathroom . The bathroom has one toilet , one shower / tub combination , one sink with vanity mirror , above the center of the floor is a skylight that is never opened . There is a bath mat on the floor so I don 't slip when I get out of the shower . The tile is black . The caulk is white . The tile is black the caulk is white . There are 48 tiles . An old newspaper is draped over the edge of the tub so that I can read when I use the bathroom . To the left of the bathroom there is a bedroom . It 's my bedroom . Going clockwise around this room , to your immediate left is a closet there isn 't very much in here , then there is a dresser on the far wall , this is also nearly empty , then there are two windows and then a night stand , with a glass of water and an alarm clock on it , then my bed , it needs to be made and it 's black with white stitching . That 's my house . I don 't like it very much , but it 'll make do for now . I 'll probably leave soon anyway . Soon . I 'm not sure when , I have to wait to see what happens next . I move a lot . I have to keep moving . It 's important . If you stay in one place for too long you stagnate and then you die . And then you die in the place where you were already dead but didn 't know it because you didn 't ever move . A person has to keep moving in order to keep living . Motion is life , motion is time . Motion is motion . Keep moving . When something dies it means that all cellular motion has ceased . It 's ceased because all of the tiny bits of electricity that keep things moving has stopped being generated because the thing that generates all the electricity has stopped moving and can no longer generate electricity , so cells stop functioning and the body dies . I think that 's how it works . That 's how someone described it to me once . Rigger mortis . I know about that . The longer you 're dead the less malleable you are , it 's harder to move a person after they 've been dead a long while . If a person dies , at say , 9oclock , not the direction now , the time . The time is 9oclock and someone dies a horrible death . There is no other kind . At ten after nine , the person is still able to move , not on his own anymore , but I could move a body that 's only been dead ten minutes or so . If you let that body sit on the floor for a few hours , it stiffens up , becomes even more dead than it was and becomes frozen . It 's impossible to bend any of the joints . It 's better if I never find that out again . Motion is life , death is stiffness , rigidity . Bob doesn 't move much . He 's not dead , but he sits still for longer than I can tolerate sometimes . The first time I met him I almost kicked him out of my house . He sat in my recliner for hours and didn 't move a muscle , didn 't make a sound . It was horrifying until I looked at his eyes . I 'm able to be friends with bob because of his eyes . His eyes are constantly in motion . I didn 't realize till then that Bob spends most of his time in his mind , and he 's constantly moving in there . I imagine it 's a nonstop parade of numbers and patterns and ways to figure out those numbers , make patterns of those numbers and to make numbers out of those patterns . I view bobs world as a series of melting , changing numbers . That 's probably how he sees things . I call Bob , " Rubi Bob " because Bob can complete a randomized Rubi Cube in under 20 seconds . Every time . Without failure . He is a whiz . A Rubick 's Cube is a game . It has 9 color squares on each side of the cube . A cube has six sides . The cube has 54 individual squares on the face . Each individual square is a different color . There are six different colors . Each individual square rests on two different axis at any given time . Each row can rotate and each column can rotate . Thereby allowing each cube to move in nearly any direction . The object of the game is to get all the sides colored with the same color square . Nine yellows on one side , nine reds on another and so on . It is ridiculous that I am describing a Rubik 's Cube . Everyone knows what a Rubiks Cube is . They were invented in the early eighties and created a craze over the country , then the world . They are the highest selling toy of all time , there are approximately 44 , 000 , 000 , 000 , 000 , 000 , 000 different configurations . Bob loves them . I know a lot about rubi cubes because bob knows a lot about rubi cubes . He can solve any rubi cube in any configuration in under twenty seconds any time you ask him to . He could do them in his sleep . He might actually do them in his sleep , I 've never seen him sleep . I love watching him solve Rubi Cubes , I could watch it all day . Which is lucky because he does little else . Even when he goes into his number trances , if you throw a cube at him , he 'll work through it as he 's running through the numbers . It 's remarkable . It 's too furious a flurry of movement to keep track of , I try though . I try to watch the square dials spin and rotate in his hand like a gyroscope and try to catch glimpses of how he starts and when he finishes . It 's impossible . He moves . He moves too fast . I had him teach me to do it once . Just once . He got upset and couldn 't take my not being able to do it , so he would snatch it out of my hand and finish the puzzle in seconds . It went this way : " Ok . " he said and then he got out of his recliner and came to where I was , which was just inside the dining room , writing on my pad and planning maneuvers . He brought his backpack of Cubes with him . He removed three , one for me , one for him , and one for him to complete when he got aggravated by my shortcomings . " Hold it like this , " he said . Then he held up his hands so that I could see how a professional holds a Rubi Cube . He grabbed it just like you would think to . One hand on either side , just the fingers touching the outermost dials . " Ok , " I said . And then I held it the way he was showing me . Then he reached over and moved my hands to the exact correct place for " maximum spin time . " He was holding his , I was holding mine . Between the two of us was the third cube , which lay on the floor unsolved . He kept sneaking glances at it every chance he got . He glanced at it more and more as we sat in my empty dining room , my empty dining room that would be a perfect place for a flower pattern , it was distracting him . It was keeping him from explaining the process to me . " Ok . Now figure out where everything should go . " He glanced down at the unsolved cube , and while I asked " What do you mean ? " he began and completed the cube he was holding in his hands and then quickly mixed it up again . All the while staring at the cube on the floor between us . Flower pattern . He looked surprised at my question . He tried to answer as best he could . " Where are you going to put the reds ? The yellows ? The greens ? The whites ? The bl - " " Doesn 't matter ? ? " He cut me off . His eyes darted from the cube on the floor to the cube in my hand . Faster and faster . Flowers and stairs . " It matters ! It matters ! It matters ! It matters ! " He looked red , he wasn 't breathing very well . He was breathing in short . Quick . Bursts . He made a wheezing sound for a second and I thought he was going to pass out . Then he reached for the cube on the floor , solved it , he was still flushed , barely breathing now . He finished it , grabbed mine and worked through it faster and faster . Solved it and put all three down in a row . " Ahh " he breathed as he was able to exhale again . He was now just staring at the three completed puzzles . White side up . " It matters " he said . Then he took his cubes and walked back to his chair and sat down . He rested his head in his hands . He sat there for a long time . It was 11 o ' clock in the afternoon when he sat down . He didn 't get up until well after dark . Motionless for hours , just resting his head in his hands . Numbers flying through his mind trying to calm him down from our training session . I sat in the middle of the dining room watching him for fifteen minutes or so , feeling bad . I shouldn 't have asked him to do anything . He 's a touchy person . The slightest thing can set him off like that . I imagine whatever he does in that head of his is calming for him , but he 'd probably be happier if he didn 't have to do it . Or at the very least , he 'd be happier if he were concentrating on his cubes instead of running through numbers to balance himself out again . Poor guy . I wish I left him sit and enjoy his cubes and the sunshine . I felt bad about it for a little while , then I had to get back to my planning . There 's only so much worrying a person can do before it starts to interfere with his life . I was busy making notes . This was a new house after all and I needed the measurements for each room . Each step . I had to take the tape measure to every stretch of wall , every plank . I had to measure each angle . I had to check for dips in the floor . When I found one I had to mark it with spray paint . I had to spray the floor so that I 'd remember where the dip was so that I could go back and figure out a way to level it off . Most times you can accomplish this by buying a piece of lumber from the lumber yard on 8th street . Then you take that lumber and bring it into the lower floor . Then you cut the lumber so that it will fit perfectly between the floor and the ceiling . Then you take the lumber and wedge it under the place that dips in the floor below you . That usually balances the floor enough to run a proper stream . Streams flow . On and on and on . It 's difficult to properly mark the underside of the floor you 've discovered a dip in . It 's possible to drill a hole through the floor . Then you can just wedge the lumber under the hole which has clearly marked the center of the dip . But if the lumber is just a bit too long , the lumber will strain the floor , the hole has weakened the floor , and the floor will crack around the hole . The cracks create more problems . I don 't want to think about all those problems right now . Those problems haven 't happened yet . Those problems will probably happen by next Thursday . After I get all the lumber and cut the lumber and prop the floors . Things crack sometimes , regardless of planning . The measurements have to be precise . I 've gotten better at measuring , I 'm proud of it . Most of the time I can just judge by looking at a space if it matches the blueprints of the house or not . It 's important to have the blueprints . If a person doesn 't have the blueprints for his or her own house , that person is being irresponsible and doesn 't deserve to live in that house . They should lose that house and it should be given to someone like me who can read and understand and appreciate blueprints . Then once a person gets the blueprints for the house , it isn 't enough to just have the blueprints , you have to check . You have to check the blueprints , because you didn 't make those blueprints , how do you know they 're right ? You don 't . That 's all there is to it . If the blue prints are off , how could you possibly know if the dining room is level enough or not . Or if the room is as big as it says it is ? You have no way of knowing . Then you walk through the room at night , or when the lights are off , if you have lights , and then you stub your toe in the doorway and you wonder why . Know your house . Know everything about it . Know the insides and outs , know the quickest way to get everywhere . You should . It 's your house , you paid good money for it , and if anything happens in that house , you 're responsible for it . You 're responsible for the contents of that house and no matter how much planning you did , no matter how much thought you put into it , nothing can forgive not knowing your house all the way through to the core . From the south west base of the house to the northwest corner . From the garage , all the way up to the back bedroom . Know that house . Know the dangers that are there . This floor is not fucking level . Worse yet . It has lumps . Humps . Peaks and valleys . Hills and dales . It 's a roller coaster . Everything has to be level . Nowhere in the blueprints does it say that the floor should be roller coaster . The average person wouldn 't even know that the floor is almost an inch off level in the corner . Why would they not know that ? They probably haven 't measured . They probably haven 't gone to get the blueprints and looked at them . I 'd be amazed if anyone even knows where to get blueprints . It 's simple . I went to get blueprints the day after I bought this house . It 's very simple . Leave the house . Figure out where you 're standing in relation to the nearest bus stop . Get on the bus that will take you to the trains . The beautiful trains . Admire the trains , appreciate them . Every fifteen minutes they fly by at terrific speeds . The ones you need stop , the ones you don 't , don 't . They 're large and rectangular and when they move they say " clack clack . clack clack " Like dominos . Running by in a blur of motion . Clack clack clack clack . Get on the train that runs into the city . When the train stops at the fifth stop , get off the train . Watch the train leave . Understand that the train is gone , but it will be back when you need it . Take a moment . Breathe . It will be back . It will be back . Back back . Back back . Clack clack . Walk down to Jefferson Street . Turn right . Walk straight four blocks . Washington , Adams , Jefferson , Madison . The streets are named for presidents . They 're named in order . One two three four . Right in a row . At Madison , turn left . Walk up 9 blocks . Walk from 9th to 18th street . Admire the order falling behind you , first to fourth then 9th to 18th . Walk to the third building in . Look at it . It 's the Department of Records . Walk in that building . Go to the third floor . Take the stairs . Always take the stairs . Listen to your feet . In room 309 there is a woman named Anne . Speak to her . There will be forms to fill out . Fill out the forms . Give them back to Anne . She 'll give you a roll of blueprints . Leave the building and get home following the directions in reverse . These are important documents to have . Everything important is in these blue lines . Study them . Remember them . Check them over and over . Spread them out on the floor and hover over each blue line until you know it like you know yourself . Like the palm of your hand , like you know the palm of your hand connects to your forearm and up through the rest of your body . Each turn is important . All the lines are connected . Blue streams of squares . Sectioned , square and sequential . Each place is going someplace else . A constant blue blur of motion . Nothing bad can happen if you know where everything is at all times . I have my blue prints , I 've had them since before I bought the house . I had them since I lived in my last house . I have all the blueprints for all my houses . Each one more important than the next . Each floor of each house was off kilter at some point . I fixed each one with increasing speed and proficiency . Speed is important , always . I need to fix this house . I need to make it right . The floors will be perfect . The floors will be level . The dominos will run through this house like blood , this house will live again . My house will be my home with the soothing clack clack of motion and black . When I woke up this morning , Bob was already in his chair working through cubes . He was finishing a cube and placing it on the floor next to him . Then he 'd get another cube , solve it , and place it next to the first . I 'm not sure what he was doing , but the second and fourth cube were at least a quarter of an inch out of line . I didn 't tell him . I don 't think he would 've heard anyway . I left him go . Besides . I had a lot to do . Bob will be fine in his chair . He 's got bags of those cubes . I need lumber . I could just call the lumber yard and have it delivered , but they won 't pick the right pieces . I need ten eight foot pieces and fourteen ten foot pieces . I can 't wait . The lumber yard is down by the river . It 's within walking distance . It 's a few miles away . Lumber . I 'm goingggg to geeeettt lumbeeerrr . I 'm singingggg aboutttttt lummbeer . It 's lumber day . Things are under . Things are under way ! The only problem with going to the lumber yard is dealing with all the guys who work at the lumber yard . It 's a commotion down there , which I enjoy , but all the guys can really get in the way of things . I don 't really know how anyone works around so many people without killing someone . When I get there I have to speak with the manager right away , so that I can get enough space so that nobody else speaks to me . I hope he understands . He needs to understand and he needs to understand in a very short amount of time , because picking this lumber could very easily take all day . A lot goes into the picking of these timbers and I need him to understand that I cant be disturbed by any of his workers or any of their fantastic machines . I 'll pull the lumber myself , put it in a pile and then one of his machines can come and pick it up , put it on a truck and then they can take it to my house , then drop it on the ground , then I 'll pull the wood into my house and get to work . It 's important that I 'm not bothered . It 's a long walk from my house to the lumber yard . It 's a nice day though . I 've made this walk in the dead of winter . That 's not nearly as enjoyable . Less singing . Significantly less singing . In order to get nearly anywhere I have to walk past the Aramingo Deli . I just refer to it as the deli . It 's the best deli in town and as luck would have it : it 's just around the corner . Lucky for me . Lucky for them . It 's amazing and I love it . I love this deli because they have great sandwiches . I found out that this deli has great sandwiches because my exwife went to highschool with the owner . She and he went to highschool around the corner . They grew up together . Whenever I get a sandwich , Tony Aramingo , the owner of the deli will often tell me a story about my exwife and something they did together in the past . Maybe tell me a story about something they did together with their old group of friends . Maybe tell me how they used to date and isn 't that something . And no it 's not , I 'd just like a deli sandwich please . And a half a pound of cheese . For Bob . Rubi Bob likes cheese sandwiches and I like to make Rubi Bob cheese sandwiches . So I get cheese and bread for the sandwiches . Please give me my order so I can leave , so I can leave and go around the corner and feed me and feed bob and get back to work . Please give me the sandwiches . The windows are bright today . He must be busy . He 's a fat , loud man and I hope he doesn 't see me walk by . I 've got too much going on today to deal with that fat man , despite his delicious deli sandwiches . He 's busy . Thank god he 's busy . Don 't let him ruin Lumber day . It 's not often I get to go outside . It 's not often I get to go to the lumber yard and pick out perfect specimens of lumber which were borne from perfect specimens of trees , which were cut down months ago in some remote and wonderful part of the world just for me . They were planted at a tree farm , or grew naturally . If they grew naturally , it makes the experience all the more remarkable . Thousands of years of history go falling back , falling back into quiet nothingness , watching great trees bare seeds , seeds take root , saplings are formed , those saplings weather all the tortures of the elements . Winds and rain beat at a thin little tree , shoving it as far as it will bend , it has to hold . It has to hold . Don 't snap little sapling , my floors are bent and need you to fix them , ancient sapling . Ancient sapling who grows to a large tree , and bears seed and has his own sapling , and so goes the cycle again . Incessant motion speeds through time making it ok for me to wake up today , walk by Rubicks Bob , past the Aramingo Deli , and into my shoes right this instant . Streams of incidents , smashing and pushing the next along , just so this day exists for me . All right there stretching out in front of me . Amazing . Amazing and beautiful . That thought carries me past the deli , and for just a moment I see fat Tony Aramingo working the meat slicing machine . For just a moment , he sees me too and smirks one of his fat little smirks . I shouldn 't tease him about his weight , if I worked in his shop , I 'd be just as fat . His sandwiches are so good . If I could spend more time in there I would . I 'd be four hundred pounds . I know I 'd be four hundred pounds . If I worked there , everything would align itself and I would put on a dangerous amount of weight , and I 'd die of a heart attack in the bathroom . Bob would be devastated . Actually , he 'd probably be more devastated about not being able to use the bathroom . Nobody would ever even find out if I died in my bathroom because I put on a lot of weight from working at The Deli . Then went home from the deli and went to the bathroom . Then I 'd have to grab my chest . Then I 'd scream , or gasp . Then I 'd fall over . I might even hit my head on that old newspaper on the toilet that I never read . Then I 'd die . Then Bob would have to use the bathroom after a while . He 'd find my dead body . He 'd scream a bit . Then he 'd probably use the bathroom and then his brain would run through a remarkable amount of numbers and computations . He does that when he 's upset . Then whenever that finished he 'd probably leave and go to the Toy Store and buy a few cubes . Then he 'd go to his apartment . Leaving my body to it 's own devices . Bob doesn 't talk to anyone , especially in a situation like that where he 'd be frantic . Nobody would find me for weeks . Nobody would look for me . Nobody would care much . Maybe Tony Aramingo . It would cut into his profits and his fun . But that 's exactly how that would go . It 's all lined up . If I were to get a job at Tony Aramingo 's I would die within two years of my first day on the job . The lumber yard is owned and operated by a man named Jack . I 've dealt with him enough times that he should understand what I need by now . He 's a busy guy but he should remember me . I don 't come there often , and I certainly don 't look like most of his customers . I don 't look like I 'm in construction or anything like that . Besides . I 'm very awkward and guys like that tend to hate me . I don 't talk loud enough . He works by machinery and saws all day . It 's a tough conversation just due to the dynamic of it , but on top of that I 'm uncomfortable talking to people . I get stuck . The lumber yard is a massive place . It 's just on the river and it 's enclosed in chain link fence and barbed wire . There 's a security guard at the gate and I 'm not sure why . I don 't know why the need to guard lumber so tightly , but then I don 't know anything about the lumber business . There 's probably a whole string of reasons why . It seems to be working for them whatever the reason , business seems to be going well . There 's a large entry gate into the yard . It 's so that trucks and such can go through . The road is unpaved , it 's a gravel lot and it 's muddy . I didn 't wear proper shoes . I don 't have proper shoes . I only have one pair of shoes . They 're black shoes . They have white laces . I like black and I like white . I don 't like mud . I 'm going to need new laces after today . I hadn 't thought of that before I came down . It 's not a big deal . I 'll think of the lumber . Think of the lumber . Progress . Progress . The yard is a flurry of motion . There are men everywhere . The majority of them are wearing flannel shirts , brown boots and leather gloves . Men are walking places with piles of lumber on their shoulders . Men are driving fork lifts . Men are yelling at other men to pick up lumber , or drive a fork lift closer to them . It 's a flurry of motion . If it were all for a similar purpose it would be the greatest place in the world . But the motion is uninhibited and uncontrolled . Men are walking to wherever they want at any random point . Any sound , any situation can set them off in a different direction . Lots of yelling . If all this were streamlined I don 't think I 'd ever leave . If all of this were streamlined I would never leave . That 's all there is to it . I need to talk to the security guard . I have to . If I don 't talk to him , I wont get to see Jack the owner operator who inherited the business from his father . His father who inherited the business from his father . Presumably the business will run downward to Jacks son , Jack 's sapling , Bruce . Who is a nice guy and who works in the office . But first , before all that , I need to figure out how I 'm going to talk to the security guard who is a large , imposing man . He 's going to talk loudly , and curtly and he 's not going to like me and it 's going to be frightening . Just breathe just breathe . Do it . " Excuse me . " I must have said it too low because he didn 't hear me at all . He didn 't even look at me . For a moment I think , that 's it . That 's the end of the day . Everything led downhill to this moment and it didn 't work , so get out of here and go home . Start tomorrow . The first time I came down here it took me six tries to just to get past that gate and into the lumber yard . I just don 't like people . I need to adjust . Subtle tweaks in spacing can make or break any set up . Tip anything the wrong way and you can ruin everything . You knock everything down and you have to go back and start fresh . I 'm already almost done with this security guard and I 've only said two words . " Excuse me , sir " And then it worked . And then he turned and we 're off and running . Get it over with quick , just be careful you don 't get swept over . It 's important you figure this out . Get it done get it done . The house needs to be fixed . Plans are in motion . Motion this is part of that motion , be careful , don 't go to quick , don 't go to slow , just move steadily . Clack right through . " Can I help you . " He said . He seems nice , but he 's a bit off . He doesn 't like me already . He 's spooked . He 's going to fall the wrong way and ruin everything . Say something say something quick . " Let me see if he 's here . " He turns to use the phone and I can tell he 's sort of afraid of me . Not afraid . That 's not the right word . He doesn 't like me very much . He thinks I 'm weird . Everyone thinks I 'm weird . I don 't mean to be weird . I just don 't like people very much . That 's all . I like watching the order of things and I don 't get along well with people . I used to get along well with people , but not anymore . Those day 's are done . I don 't like people very much , they 're scary and I just want my wood so I can finish my house so I can start the build and I need to start today or everything is ruined . So many plans . So many plans . Please , please just let me in . It 's so much . It 's so much . Breathe . Breathe . Breathe . " Oh thank god ! " I said it as I was thinking of breathing and it came out in a huff and he looked at me strangely and I rushed right in . I tried to hurry without splashing too much mud on my shoes . It made for a strange walk . Some of the men noticed . I noticed them noticing and tried to walk more normally . Trying to walk normally is more difficult then you would think . I 'm thinking that people are looking at me because of the way I 'm walking , so I have to try to right my walk and walk more how I walk , but how does anyone walk ? How do I walk normally ? I never thought of it . I just walk . Now I 'm being awkward . More people are looking at me . My shoelaces are brown . I need more time . I need more time . " Hey . " He 's looking at me strangely . I just need lumber and I 'm going to leave . Please let me get what I need . Jack . Please Jack . Jack Sapling . This wood was put here for me thousands of years ago and now it 's here or me . And now I 'm here to pick it up and I need it and please don 't get in my way it 's important you don 't get in my way . I need the wood for the house so I can start . Please please please . " Look " he said . " If you want lumber , you can get it here , but you can 't be here all day like last time . You took up entirely too much space last time and this is a business and I 've got a lot to do . If you can get in there , pick out what you need for whatever it is you need it for , but it 's got to be quick and it 's got to be now . " " If not , " he said " you have to get your lumber someplace else . I don 't have the patience for you today . " He remembered me from the last time I was here . He remembers me and he doesn 't like me because last time I took too long because the timber wasn 't right and I needed it to be perfect . I took a long time because it needs to be right , and he doesn 't understand and I made him mad . And I 've ruined it now and I don 't know what to do . Hurry . Hurry . Motion and quickness . You can do this . You 've done this enough times in the past to get this done as quickly as you can . Focus . Focus on the task . There are so many things in the way . Business has boomed for Jack . He 's doing too well , there 's too much commotion . Get it done . Go . The logs are organized on giant shelves . There are hundreds of the types that I need . I need to get lucky and find the perfect ones as quickly as possible . I don 't know how that 's possible . There are a lot of things to considers . Knots are signs of weakness , little holes in the wood . But they 're ok and I like them . I just don 't like a lot of them . A few is fine , any more than a few are no good . They 're garbage instantly . That 's easy . That 's an easy way to cut the number of possible selections down quickly . I should 've brought Bob . He counts quickly . I don 't . There are too many to deal with . I need a few knots , not too many . And they need to be square , perfectly square . Otherwise they 're useless to me . Especially the tops . If the tops aren 't perfectly flat , then they 're ineffective as leveling devices . The floor must be level otherwise the routes become muddled . I can 't force the routes , the routes have to go wherever they must go . I can 't dodge lumps and bumps in my flooring . It 's my fucking floor , its mine to fix . I need it level . I don 't have time for this . All of history has led to these pieces of wood being laid out before me . Everything every move in the planet has dictated that these wood be mine to choose from . And Jack is ruining everything . There are too many , too many . The selecting is impossible . It 's frantic and hurried . Pull them . Just pull them . No . I need to look , figure it out . Figure it out . How can you get this done . Just pick , c ' mon . You 're wasting time . Move . I attacked the stack of lumber . I jumped up on top of one pile , and just took each piece with one hand and threw it behind me as I sorted . Straight behind me . Just sorting as fast as I possibly could , and not really thinking about what was behind me . I shut down most of my brain and just set to throwing these timbers down behind me . Just trying to get a quick glance at each piece before moving on to the next . I was making a bit of a mess , but I didn 't have time to worry about that . They probably pay someone to come out and clean the grounds when people start throwing logs around . I 'll bet it happens all the time . " What the fuck are you doing ? " Jack was running up , keep sorting . He 's going to throw you out , quick quick . Keep sorting . The timbers were making " Bong bong bong " noises as they clattered on the ground and bumped into other pieces of wood . It was a good sound , but not very soothing . It 's not really important if he throws you out , there 's another lumber yard a few blocks away . But we need to get sorted . Get started . " I 'm trying to be fast , I 'm sorry . " I said back to him . I 'm praying he heard that , he looks like he 'd want to hit me if I don 't answer the right way . And he could , they 'd have no way of knowing he hit me . Even if He wound up beating the hell out of me , there 's enough people here to cover it up and he 'll get away fine . He could kill me . All his worker bees could bury me right below all these saplings and nobody would ever know . Bob , would just live in my apartment going about his day like nothing ever happened . Like he never met me in the first place . He 'd probably be better off , but I don 't know who would fix him sandwiches . No time to worry about that . " Fast ? What the fuck are you throwing everything all over the place for ? You 're going to kill somebody ! " He 's mad . Tell him about the dominos . Let him know why you need them . At the very least tell him something . " I can 't have too many knots . I can 't have too many knots because it spoils the wood . If the wood is spoiled the wood is weak , and if the wood is weak it wont - it wont be able to help me . I just need the wood . The wood was put here for me . The wood existed from forever ago and it grew up and found me and now it 's here for me and I need to take it now but I have to find it first please . I need to find it so I can use it for what it 's for . You didn 't stop me last time . I was slower last time but you didn 't stop me . You didn 't stop me because you weren 't as busy . You weren 't as busy because your business wasn 't as strong . Your business wasn 't as strong because you weren 't as busy - - . " " Shut up ! Christ . C ' mon . Get your shit . Let 's go . " He 's angry . I don 't know why he 's angry . I haven 't done anything wrong . ' M going to pay . It 's not like I 'm not going to pay . " Please , I 'll just take these . Please . I 'll make it work . Please . Please . Please . " I grabbed him . I didn 't mean to but I did , he was walking away and he was literally dragging me through the mud . " Please , please . " I begged him . I was so close to getting started , even closer to being finished . " I 've been coming here for years , please just let me go . " " Ok , all right . Get offa me . Christ man . What the fuck is with you . " He was standing over me . I was sitting in the mud . " I think so . " Ten eight and 14 ten . Please . " He helped me up . I was crying . I didn 't realize I was crying . It 's been a while since I 'd cried . I had a better reason the last time . This was ridiculous . But it 's important . Jack should not have pushed me like that . I didn 't do anything wrong . I just needed everything to work out perfectly . Now I have to work with these misshapen timbers . I don 't know if it 's going to work anymore . All this planning . All this planning . All this planning . I left the lumber yard after I finalized the delivery and paid for everything . Lumber is more expensive than you think . It 's all right . I have the money for a little while longer . Everything is almost done anyway . On the way back I walked by The Deli . I hoped Tony wouldn 't be outside . He 's outside a lot when I walk by . I 'm sure there are a lot of reasons for why that is , but I don 't know any of them . I just have to think " it 's one of those things . " And I hate thinking that . I 'll have to work out why he almost always manages to be out front when I walk by . It 's probably just because he 's always outside and I walk by a lot . Probably just a probability thing . I should ask Bob when I get home , presuming Bob is still at my house . But , I 'm pretty sure he is . He had all his cubes with him today and I know he doesn 't have anything to do . More than likely he 's at my house solving cube after cube after cube , it 's only been a few hours . Tony is outside . Tony is outside because he 's hosing down the pavement . He 's hosing down the pavement because it makes him look like he 's doing something even though he 's doing nothing at all . There is no reason in the world to hose down a pavement . Not that I 'm aware of . If it didn 't mean speaking to Tony Aramingo , I would ask Tony Aramingo why he hosed down the sidewalk . Tony is a fat man with a hose . He usually wears whites . Deli garb . When a man works at a deli , he 's usually covered in bits of lunchmeat . Blood really . He 's covered in blood . Not Tony . Tony was scott clean . Tony was always scot clean . He made sure he never did an ounce of work , but reaped all the benefits . There 's a kid here , he works here for extra money for school . He works for extra money because his folks cant afford to send him to school . I overheard him talking about it while waiting for a hoagie one day . He 's a nice kid . At the end of the day he 's always covered over in evidence of his day at work . Sweat , dirt , sandwich bits . He works hard . Tony hoses the sidewalk . Just keeps everything outside looking clean . That 's Tony Aramingo . He was outside on my way back from the lumber yard . " Yo ! " He said . He was hosing my way . It was too late to cross the street . For most of the way back I was going through patterns in my head . Things to do , ways to place all the dominos . Would I have enough ? Probably not . I 'd need to get to the store and get another big order . Patterns . Hearts . Stars . Figure eights . Lanes and twists . One at a time . A steady hand and a pure , focused mind . Each black figure floating towards the finish line . Each shape divine and different . We 're running now . Look at the black shapes . They 're going to keep going , flowing together . It 's easy for me to fall into these thoughts and it speeds the walk along . My shoes make good sounds on the pavement . The faster I walk the faster it blurs the faster I walk the faster it goes . I lose concentration . I sort of go away . Sometimes I wind up far past my house . Once I came around at a red light sixteen blocks from my house . It took about an hour to walk back . I must 've just soothed down into the sounds for an hour . But it wasn 't wasted time . A lot of planning got done on that trip . Today was one of those days . I could 've walked to the other side of the earth if Tony Aramingo and his hose hadn 't come along . I should have crossed the street . If I had been thinking of the double shift line instead of the double wrap around , I probably would 've crossed the street . But I wasn 't , and now I had to live with that choice . I was thinking of the double shift , I wouldve been across the street and I could 've avoided this whole problem . Now I have to deal with this fat idiot and his hose . Though . His hose is fascinating . Water is entrancing . Fluid . Like Dominos . " Home . " I was still walking fast . I was walking faster and faster as I got closer and closer . I was trying to match the sound of my shoes to the sound of the water . Both were splatting against the pavement . My shoes were still mushy and wet from the mud . The faster I walked the closer I got to reaching a harmonic rhythm with the water . Just keep it up . Don 't listen to this idiot . He 's going to ruin your whole day . Just keep walking past . Just try to get by . I 'm going to have to cross that river of water eventually . I can wash all the mud off my shoes . That would be helpful , but I should just jump over it and keep going . I don 't want to splash the water and ruin the sound . I need to get home . I should tell bob about my day , about all the commotion at the lumber yard . He 'd like the lumber yard I don 't know why I 've never taken him down there . Lots of stacks of rectangles . " Yes . I 'm headed home because I left because I had to go to the lumber yard because I needed lumber but there was a situation where Jack was yelling at me because I was making a mess . I was making a mess because I was in a hurry . I was in a hurry because the last time , I was there too long for Jack . Jack got the lumber yard from his father . Who got it from his father . . . " " Right . Right . Lumber . Ya gotta have lumber . " What 's the point of talking ? Why would anyone waste their time saying things like this man just let fly out of his mouth . Nobody gained anything from what he just said . I don 't even know what is going on . " You want a sandwich ? " Damn . I did . I did want a sandwich . One of those ones where he puts the olive oil on the roll before he puts the lunch meat on there , then bakes the whole thing so the olive oil works into the roll . Oh . Oh damn . I do want a sandwich . Damn . " I would like a sandwich , yes . I 'm hungry because I was at the lumber yard earlier and there was a lot of commotion and it made me hungry . There was a lot of commotion because - " " Yeah , right . Lumber . I 'll fix you somethin nice . " He brought me into the store . I wasn 't expecting to go into the store today . My feet were muddy . I was going to tell him but then I 'd wind up telling him about why they were muddy and I 'd be back into the lumber story again . It 's hard for me not to tell the whole story all the time . If he asked me why my feet were muddy , and I just said " mud . " it wouldn 't be much of an explanation , would it ? Of course there was mud at some point . That much is clear , but then when do you stop ? When do you stop telling him about why your feet were muddy ? The lumber ? The floor ? The dominos ? The house before this ? The event ? High school ? It goes back and back and back . When does it end ? " Yeah , we 'll get you fixed up . " he says . He 's looking at me now . He always sort of stares at you . It makes a person uncomfortable . I think he likes that , gives him a little feeling of power before he starts in on you . Or at the very least that 's what he does before he talks to me . Every time . Every single time . " You know I was with Elaine before you right ? " I nodded . I did know that . He always told me . He always told me right after he asked if I wanted provolone . If nothing else , I admired the consistency of the event . It was always the same . It moved the same way . I liked that about it . I liked that and provolone cheese and olive oil . He 's going to talk about the springtime dance . And then he 's going to talk about make out point . And then he 's going to tell me half of the story so that my imagination runs away with me and I try to figure out exactly what happened that night . He figures I 'll assume the worst and then feel bad all day . That 's how he works . That 's how his mind works . One by one by one . " You know I took her to the Springtime dance one time right ? " I nodded . He took my Elaine to the Springtime Dance . She didn 't have a good time . She told me so . She said that he just walked around and talked to his friends the whole time , while she sat and drank punch on the far side of the room . When they danced he stepped on her feet and his breath smelled like he 'd been drinking . She wasn 't sure if he had been , but she was always a bit naive . He had been . He brought a flask of Jack Daniels in his inside pocket . " Man . I was banged up that night . I brought a flask of Jack Daniels in that inside pocket . You know the ones in the suits ? " I nodded . I did . I 've worn suits . I had a black one that I wore from time to time , on big occasions . My life is slowly running out of big occasions so I get less and less use out of the suit . I had a few chances to wear the suit in the last year or so , but I was busy on the days of the events , so I stayed at home and worked , but wore the suit while I structured and built . I like the suit . It 's layered and leveled . The tie got in the way a few times . It started a few lines now and again . It was irritating but challenging . I am very patient . We 're the only two people in the store . I 'm not sure where the kid is . The one who 's usually working his tail off while Tony hoses the street . There aren 't any customers . It 's a strange hour of the day . Most people are at work . Tony is at work . He 's filling a roll with a selection of meats and provolone cheese . He continues . He goes on . And on . " We dance all night . Oh boy . It was a blast . " They only danced for three songs , and when they did , he stepped on her toes and she smelled his breath . That 's all that happened . I know this because she told me . I know it with all my heart because she told me . She wouldn 't lie to me . Never . " Then afterwards , " This is where it gets hard to be in this store . To be so close to this fat man who is in charge of most of my eating . I hate this part of the story . But that 's where we are in the conversation and this is where it 's going . He 's going to hit the cliffhanger . He 's purged through all the boring setup that doesn 't really set much up at all , and now he 's going to go for the cliffhanger . Here we go . He 's got that smirk on his face . Just a slow grin that lets out that same smell that she must have smelled that night so long ago that exists so differently for the both of them . Here it goes . " And then we went up to Look Out Point . But you don 't want to hear about that though . That 's not something you 're interested in . I mean , hellcat . You know what I mean . She was a hellcat that night . " She wasn 't ever a hell cat . She was my wife . I 'd tell him so , but I 'd run through the entire story and if he interrupted me I don 't know what I would do . I had a dream about it once . I woke up crying . I was thrilled about it . He was terrible . " We get up there and she . Is . Hot . Let me tell you . . . " He 's touching my food and talking about my wife . Dreams . Put it aside . Think about dominos . Don 't think about him . Don 't think about her . Don 't think of the event . He 's almost through now . He 's at the cliff hanger . He 'll be done . " But I don 't think I need to go on . " He didn 't ever need to go on . He didn 't need to start . Today must have been different . I don 't know why . He kept talking . He was done making the sandwich , had wrapped it in deli paper , but decided to keep speaking . Luckily enough , he changed topic . But I wish he hadn 't . I wish he just handed me my sandwich and then I could leave and then I could eat this perfect meal and continue with my project . " What 's his name again ? " I 'd never told him in the first place but I guess it was fair to tell him . He had been feeding him for the last few months . " I call him Rubicks 's Bob because he likes Rubick 's Cubes and his name is Bob . " I don 't know how he knew I called him that , but I didn 't care . I just wanted to leave . I needed to get out of here . This conversation has gone on for long enough , and suddenly it 's going on for longer than it usually does and it 's making me uncomfortable . I started to sweat and I 'm sure it was noticeable . He was making me sweat and he was enjoying it . That 's what he wanted all along . That 's what he wants every time . He feels like I 'm some weak weirdo and he 's a big strong guy and it 's his job to pick on me and my job to be picked on . " Ahh , that 's right . That 's right . " He 's acting like he knew that . I 'm sure that he never did . " What 's he some kinda weirdo . " I started sweating even more . I was swaying back and forth . Fidgeting . He 's getting under my skin and he knows it . I don 't want to tell him anything about Bob . Bob shouldn 't be exposed to this horrible man , even though he makes a delicious sandwich . " I saw him walk by here a few times with those cubes of his . Pretty impressive stuff . " He did know Bob . And he knew what Bob did . Don 't destroy Bob , you filth . Don 't talk about Bob . Don 't talk about my wife . Don 't talk about Bob . Just make my sandwich and let me leave . " Yeah , maybe I should have a talk with him one of these days . I try to talk to everybody who walks by the store . Keep the community up , you know . " I know . He talks to everyone . He 's the gossip center of town . He starts every rumor . He digs into everyone 's lives and uses it for his own gain . He turns people against each other . Against me . And always . Always with the cliffhanger anecdotes , leaving you worry for the worst . He knows you know that he 's capable of the worst . Here it comes now . " Yeah , I should have a talk with him . Maybe me and him could work something out . . . . " Cliffhanger comment . What could they possibly have to talk about . I can 't even imagine . I 'll have to think about all the possible strings that could connect Bob and Tony to each other and what they together could connect to that would do anything for Tony . Bob is like me , he 's barely a person half of the time . Tony has been talking to me for fifteen minutes and I haven 't said a word , which is volumes more than what Bob would say . I 'm going to have to tell bob . I 'm going to have to do something for Bob . " It 's a shame me and you never got along . We used to get on ok , right ? " I nodded . " Back when you were a little more normal . Right before you killed your wife . . . " That Tony , always with the cliffhangers . I walked as fast as I could back to the house . Clack clack . I concentrated on my shoes . Clack clack . Clack clack . Not his place to bring that up . Not at all . He was there at the Spring Dance . That 's fine . Tell that story , that 's his story to tell and lie about . Not his place to talk about the event . None . Clack clack . Clack ! I got back to my house a few minutes later with sandwiches for me and Bob . I decided to wait to tell him about everything because if I started telling him about how he shouldn 't talk about Tony , I 'd have to tell him about Tony and my wife , and then I 'd have to tell him about my wife and the event . I can 't deal with that right now , besides , Bob seems to have encased himself in Rubick 's Cubes . When I left earlier that day he was solving cubes and lining them around his recliner . Over the course of the day , he had built those lines higher and higher . He was still solving cubes , furiously fast . He had created a box out of cubes , it ran completely around the recliner . He 'd stacked them up as high as the middle of the chair . " Winning . " He says that a lot when you ask him about the cubes . It 's all about winning . I 'd never seen him surround himself like this though . Walling himself off like he was . He was incessant , but his walls were starting to get too high for him to reach his bags of cubes . I wasn 't sure how he was going to continue at this point , or how he was going to finish . Or for that matter , what the finish was . What was the end of the game ? " Bag . " He said . Apparently I was the solution to the " how am I going to reach my bag " Puzzle . I grabbed his duffel bag and handed it to him over one of the walls of cubes . The one with all the blue facing out . He took it from me and didn 't say anything else . He just continued stacking and solving , solving and stacking . I let him go . I didn 't even mention the sandwich . It was better I didn 't , I might get caught in a situation where I run through the whole event . And I don 't need to do that right now . Not yet . I 'll tell him later . " I 'm going to go upstairs , Bob . If you need anything come get me . " I said it but it didn 't really mean much . I don 't think he heard a word of it . I briefly wondered how high he would go before he realized it would be impossible to completely enclose himself in the cubes . Or how he would get out . In order to close the box on himself , he 'd have to put a flat row of cubes over the top of the box . It would be physically impossible . Though I 've seen Bob do some pretty impressive things with a rubicks cube , I don 't know if he can suspend them in mid air . Maybe he could . I don 't have a lot of doubts about it either way . But eventually he 's going to run out of reach . He 's not tall enough to reach the ceiling even if he stands on the chair . I don 't think he is . Maybe he is . I don 't know . Though I question his ability to keep it structurally sound the whole way up . I know a thing or two about balance and that 's probably going to come over around the 20th level or so . It 'll just start swaying , and then other parts will sway , and then they 'll all sway too much and it 'll all come down . Nothing good lasts forever . Not me , not her , not bob or his hand made , color coordinated prison . I need to go lie down . I hate to do it , but I 'm going to eat my sandwich and take a nap . I should be working on the project . I should be working . Planning is great , but especially now , I just want to sit with my crates of dominos and set to work . Quiet . Organized . Nothing but hours upon hours of steady handed problem solving . No interruptions . I 'll be there in a few days . I don 't need much more . I need to stock up on food . I don 't know if I could handle going back to Aramingo 's . Maybe once or twice . Goddamn those sandwiches . He 'd be completely out of my life it weren 't for those sandwiches . The all consuming power of consumption . But I 'll be free of everything in a few days . Once I start laying the beginning tracks down , everything will fall behind . Fall behind . Fall forward . Forward motion like nothing else . Nobody 's seen anything like it . It 's important that I lie down for a little while . After I eat the sandwich . I 'll go over plans while I eat the sandwich , but that 'll be it . I can 't go much further until I get the lumber anyway . The unknown lumber . I wonder how that 's going to turn out . It better be close . I need it to work out . I also need to find my saw . I think I may have left it at my last house . I may have left it at the last house because I did such a good job last year of picking out lumber . I barely needed to alter anything . Of course that wound up ruining my whole day today . I should have seen that last time . I should have known that picking out the best lumber last time would start everything down a road that would lead to me hiding in my room while my friend hid from everything downstairs . I should have known that I wouldve wound up nearly getting tossed out of the lumber yard , then running into that fat jerk , then getting a sandwich and then . . . . AH ! No more . No more . Stop stop . Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then he talked about my wife . And then he finished the sandwich and then he got that look in his eyes and then he talked about the event and then I took my sandwiches and I walked home clack clack clack and then I saw bob and he was boxing himself in and I had to help him do it . I helped him cage himself in his cubes and then I went upstairs to eat a sandwich from that fat fuck that fat prick how the fuck fuck fuck fatfuck . . . And then I blacked out . I fell down deep . Off the edge . Into a pool of water . It was water from his hose . From the clean man outside of the deli . The pool of water was rushing down to the gutter . I was in it . I was cruising along . Clack clack . The scene disappeared around me . The skies and the buildings all melted , replaced by black . Black Black . Two white dots in the distance . They erupted in the middle of all the blackness . Bang bang . I floated down below them . Diagonal spots hovering above me . Snake eyed domino coming to crush me . Clack Clack . Clack clack . Eyes of a train . Clack clack . Clack clack . I killed her on the train . Clack clack . She 's gone and I 'm here . I killed her and she killed me . Come back . Come back . There were too many people . I didn 't mean it . Too many things fell down the wrong way . If I had changed any one thing , she 'd be with me . In this house , but it would be full of life , she 'd be swirling around where ever she goes . There would be light . If she were still here , I 'd be all right . Just fine . Bob would be gone . The floor downstairs would be perfectly level and filled with furniture . This room with her clothing , other rooms filled with children and life . Movement . Forward movement . But she 's not . But she fell . But I pushed her . Clack clack . Clack clack " ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC " It woke me . It was from downstairs . It was bob . I was still on the bed . I was half on my pillow , half on a sandwich . The nap and the sandwich ruined each other . Ruined . " ERIC ERIC ERIC ERIC . " My name is Eric . He 's calling for me . I don 't know why . Either he 's trapped , or it fell . One or the other . Maybe it 's both . It fell and he 's trapped underneath . Maybe I should leave him there and eat his sandwich . Shit . " Hang on . I 'll be right there . I was dreaming . I was sleeping . I napped . I was tired . " Exhausting to have to talk like that . I don 't know why I do it with Bob . I 'm not even sur he understands half the things I say anyway . " Eric Eric Eric Eric . " " I 'm coming , Bob . I 'm coming . " Moving forward through the hallway towards the stairs , I can hear him crying a little . He 's whimpering . I 'm still not sure if he succeeded or not , but whatever happened it made him sad . Whatever happens , it 's probably going to make you sad . It 's just an eventuality . You start off however you want . You 're going to wind up sad . It 's the last brick . Every time . Rounding the corner and setting foot on the first stair I can already see that I was right . There are cubes everywhere . Rubick 's bob has escaped his prison at least . That 's probably the best of it . But he 's probably furious that the building is either done , or demolished . He probably had his heart set on living inside that cube for the rest of his days . If that 's the way he wanted to go , I would have let him . I would have to make arrangements in the living room , but who am I to tell anybody how to live their lives . Die their deaths . Bob was on the floor . He was resting on his haunches . He was staring and he was crying a lot . More than I thought he 'd be . He was grabbing at the cubes . He was just sort of pushing them around , like he decided to bring them near him , and then decided to push them away at the last second . He was just sort of smearing them . Batting them like a cat . I didn 't really know what to do . Bob and I didn 't even know each other all that well . We just share similar obsessions . I almost said psychosis just then . That wouldn 't have been accurate or fair . We just enjoy different things and we enjoy them more than most people . It 's not a crime . Not yet anyway . Bob just sort of gestured around him like I didn 't see the cubes everywhere and then said nothing . I didn 't know what to do . " What should I do Bob , I don 't know what to do . " He just kept crying and batting the cubes around . Swirling the mess . Each cube running off at random into another cube like atoms smashing . They made a beautiful sound , but I couldn 't hear over Bob 's constant crying . Screaming . Like a child . " Come on Bob , get in your chair . You shouldn 't sit on the floor , you 'll get sick . " I 'm pretty sure it 's not true , but it 's something my mother always told me when I was a child . Most of the time it didn 't make sense . I knew it even then , but it was comforting to know she was looking out for me . She wanted me to get off the floor because I was her child and she wanted me to be safe and probably , just like now , for me to stop screaming . I picked him up under his armpits and helped him back into his chair . I had to brush a few cubes off the seat in order to set him down . As they clacked on the ground he kicked them and sent them skittering off towards the front door . He looked like he hated them . I knew how he felt . But it didn 't matter . I couldn 't relate that to him . He was just angry that his castle fell . When he was seated his wails slowed somewhat , though he was still clearly upset . I reached down and picked up a cube and scrambled it . He lunged at it and solved it in about ten seconds . His right hand made the first turn . After that I couldn 't tell what he was doing . " I got you a sandwich , you want a sandwich . " He didn 't answer , he just shook his head and scrambled his cube . I handed him the mystery sandwich . I didn 't see what Tony fixed him . I started " I didn 't see . . . " But I cut myself off . I didn 't want to get into it again . I just handed him a paper square which presumably hid a sandwich inside . He took it and opened it up . There was a ham and cheese on rye with lettuce , tomato , onion and pickles . It was cut diagonally and I each half had a frilly toothpick stabbed through the center . One was red and one was green . There was also a piece of paper stabbed through the green one . It rested on the sandwich . He pulled the green toothpick , looked at the card and put it in his top pocket . Then he started to eat the sandwich . " What 's it say on the card , Bob . " Bob had a mouth full of sandwich meat and didn 't even look up at me . I can 't figure this guy out and he lives in my house . Sometimes he seems like a five year old child , then other times he 's like a grown man . He just looks like an average guy , eating a sandwich , brushing off a ridiculous comment by one of his buddies . He looked at me like I was crazy . His eyes said " What ? Like I 'm going to tell you ? You crazy prick . " " Bob ? Bob what 's on the card , Bob . I bought you the sandwich Bob . " He looked up at me with a mouth full of meat and cheese and said " says not to show you . " " The card says not to show me ? " That fat bastard is slipping notes to my friend and he 's dumb enough to put it in the sandwich I bought , like we weren 't going to eat it together and then writes " don 't tell Eric . " among whatever else is on that card . That takes a lot of guts . Fat , fat guts . " Bob . Show me the card . I paid for the card Bob . Let me see that card . " I was getting angry with Bob . I just picked him up off the floor . He should show me what it says on the card . " Bob I just picked you up off the floor Bob . Show me the card . " " Fuck that card Bob . I just picked you up off the floor because you were on the floor crying because you woke me up because I was sleeping because I was tired from the day because I had to deal with the fat asshole who gave you that card because he was out front washing the sidewalk for no fucking reason while I walked by because I had to go get lumber for my project because the floors are uneven because . . . . because tell me what 's on the card Bob . " it takes a lot to get me angry , but I made a lunge for him . It didn 't really need to be much of a lunge . I said this " nyahh ! " as I lunged ! Bob didn 't even move . He just kept chewing . I guess because the card didn 't say I couldn 't read it , just that he shouldn 't show me . I read the card . Here 's what it says : " I think me and you could should work something out . You should give me a call . Maybe we can make each other some money . " then it listed his number . I don 't know what it meant really . I just know I don 't want that guy anywhere near Bob . " Bob . Forget this happened . You don 't want to deal with this guy . He 's a bad person . He 's a bad person because . . . because . . . . because I say so Bob . You understand ? " On the other side of the card was another phone number . It said " This is it , Bob . You and me . " It was a one eight hundred number . I have no idea what it could be for . How could Bob make anyone any money . Also , why don 't I have a phone ? Oh yeah . That 's why . I 've got some things to work out now . I have to find a phone or talk to Tony . I cannot and I will not talk to Tony ever again . Unless it 's a sandwich order . That 's the only way . If he starts talking to me in any other way , I will not speak to him , or I will crush him . One or the other . I 've got to figure out what this number is for . How Bob could help Tony . Though , Tony has an angle on everything . I think Tony thinks I 'm very crazy , when in fact , I " m just a little crazy . I don 't think that guy ever said a word to me before everything happened . Then , after everything happened , I started coming around a bit more and he would just tell me whatever was on his mind because he 's never really heard me talk . I don 't talk much . I wind up nodding ninety percent of the time I 've seen him . He thinks I 'm fully gone , so he doesn 't have any problems talking to me about whatever is on his mind . Tony runs that Deli . He doesn 't do much there , but he 's got his feet wet in a few other areas of life . His deli isn 't even how he makes most of his money . He scams a lot of good people out of their money . He knows a lot of the wrong people . He helps a lot of the wrong people wash their money through his deli . He 's not a good person . More than likely he 's spotted a mark in Bob and is going to try to take advantage of him . I cannot , will not allow that to happen . I 'll need to set things in motion so that doesn 't happen . I need a phone . Chapter Four Bob finished his sandwich and fell asleep sitting up . He had the wrapping papers and what looked to be half the weight of the sandwich in crumb form all over his chest . The red toothpick was in his mouth . I picked up the paper and the green toothpick , brushed some crumbs off him onto the paper and threw it away . I tried to pull the red toothpick out of his mouth , but he started to stir when I pulled on it . So I stopped . I let him have it . I just hoped he wouldn 't choke . He probably wouldn 't . I still had the card in my hand . He probably had forgotten all about it by now . He was sleeping and that was that as far as he was concerned . Just to be sure I mixed up forty or so cubes on the floor . Whatever happened , he wouldn 't be able to move until he found all the one 's that were scrambled , then righted them all . I spread them around . Some were solved , some weren 't . Some had just the top face of them untouched . He would have to sort through all of the cubes to figure out which were solved and which weren 't . He 'd be there for a while . It would give me time to get to a phone and figure out what was going on . There weren 't many places I could go to use a phone . Everyone has a cell phone these days . I don 't have a cell phone because I don 't like talking on the phone because I don 't like talking to people because I talk like this and it makes people hate me . I thought about the problem while I scrambled some cubes on the floor in front of a sleeping Rubicks Bob . A phone would be tricky . I didn 't know any of the neighbors . I was not about to go down to the deli . There were a few other stores within walking distances , but there weren 't any pay phones . I could walk into the store and ask to use the phone , but they wouldn 't let me use it . Why would they let a random man into their store to use the phone , especially one who rarely talks , and when he does , won 't stop talking . It 's a weird person to have floating around your store and it 's probably not a good idea to start a relationship with him . The train station . I could go to the train station . There are payphones at the train station . I saw the payphones at the train station when I was taking the train to get the blueprints for the house . I was getting the blueprints for the house so that I could measure everything . To be sure . I need to be sure . I need to know what 's on the other end of this phone line . What could Tony want with Rubicks Bob . I scrambled a few more cubes for good measure , and hid two in the closet . Bob would be counting as he solved the puzzles and he would realize that two were missing . He 'd tear the house apart looking for them . He wouldn 't figure everything out until later on when I get home . Phone . I didn 't get as far as I thought that I would . I shut the door behind me and walked down the stairs to the sidewalk . Across the street there was a woman leaving her house at the same time . I don 't know why . I 'd never seen her before . There aren 't many people who live on this block anymore . Especially My side of the block . My side of the block was empty . A series of abandoned row homes that had long since been bought and paid for , sold and moved out of , inhabited and uninhabited over the last few years . She must have been new . I didn 't even know that house was up for sale . I never saw the sign . I would have noticed . I had to put my head down though . I didn 't need to be bothered right now . I didn 't want to talk to anyone . This day had been ruined already with talking to people . I 've talked more in the last ten hours than I have in months . It 's been enough and I don 't really need this on top of everything else . I put my head down and walked a little faster for the sidewalk . " Hey ! Hey ! " She 's coming for me . She 's coming for me . No . No . No . Keep walking . Don 't run . That wouldn 't be nice . But don 't rule it out either . If she gets a little closer , maybe run . Think about running . But right now , walk quick like you have to get somewhere quick . And you do . You need to get to the phone as quick as you can . But she trumped me . She started running first . " Hey ! Wait up ! " and she started running towards me . I looked over my shoulder and saw her hustling as fast as she could . As soon as she saw me look , she knew there was no way I didn 't know she was talking to me . " Heeeyyy ! " She said as she got progressively closer . I was starting to look like one of those goofball sleepwalkers so I decided to make a run for it too . I 'm not very fast and I 'm wearing dress shoes , so keep that in mind . I was equal parts frightened and impressed by her ability to run at full speed and yell at the same time . She kept yelling for me to stop , but I couldn 't stop . I needed to get to the train station and I needed to not talk to her even more than that . So I took off . People driving by probably thought it looked a little strange . It 's a sexist country we live in . If the rolls were reversed and I were chasing her , someone would 've ran me over with a car by now . But she 's chasing after me and nobody seems to care . At least one car full of people was laughing at me . I was watching them laugh at me when I caught my foot on the curb and I fell onto the ground . I fell onto the ground and I landed on my knee and the skin on my knee tore open , then instinctively my hands went out to stop my fall , the skin on the pats of my hands pulled off . And then I sort of rolled , and in doing so scratched the side of my face on the ground . It had been a bad day . " Oh my god ! " she yelled . I scrambled to get back to my feet but she was on me before I could pull myself together . " Oh my god are you ok ? I 'm so sorry . " I was bleeding and wasn 't really all together by the time she came to me . I was a little rattled from the adrenaline . There was blood falling from my hands . I needed to get to a phone . Phone . Phone . " Phone . " I said . She doesn 't know what that means . I don 't really know why I said anything out loud . " No no . You don 't have to call anybody . I 'm not going to hurt you , I just wanted to say hello , then I tried to catch up with you , then you started running and then I wanted to catch up so that I could tell you I wasn 't really chasing you . And this looks really bad . I 'm so sorry . Here , let me help you up . " " No no . I 'm ok . " I started to stand up , but I was still a little frazzled . This woman liked to talk so much that she chased me down like a dog . We weren 't going to get along and I still had to get to the phone . " I don 't want to talk . I have to get to a phone . At the train station . "

Her name is everywhere here ! Places it shouldn 't be , places it couldn 't be . Why would Katrina leave me a note writing to Jane ? She wouldn 't know about her , wouldn 't pen words to her . And this stranger , calling me Janey … We always hated when people gave us pet names , my sister and I . There always seemed something insidious about her being called Janey , me being called ' little Joy ' , as if we were dolls instead of people . We hated it . Why is it so … I asked Steven about some of the things that were written about here . So much of it is true , but so much is wrong . Has to be wrong . And some of it can only be delusional , or cruel make - believe . Katrina , the nurse who was a particular support and friend to me , really did die , and she did indeed leave me a note before committing suicide . She also left a note for another patient , a man named David K . I don 't know what the K stands for , and if Steven did , he didn 't tell me . He seemed more concerned with keeping me calm - not always easy at times , I 'm afraid . I 'm so scared so much of the time . Anyway , the nurse killed herself . Sometime after I had gotten home the first time , I started seeing someone in our house . Steven says I varied between being terrified of the intruder and , as the accounts in this blog say , calmly accepted him as something of a wanted guest . Steven didn 't like me asking about the Stranger . His worry shows plain on his face . I asked him , Steven where are the cats gone , weren 't there cats here in July . In the barn , I thought . He said there haven 't been cats on our property since the old barn came down , shortly before my pregnancy . Lots of rats in the field , but no cats . So much of it happened . So much is real , but the me writing it is wrong . The name of this blog is one I would have taken , and the password to it is , indeed , my usual password . It 's even attached to my email . I would have chosen this aesthetic . But I would never have written such horrible things about my husband . He asked about the card when I sat down at the computer . I said , it took me to a blog . He asked what about , I said , lies . He asked what I wanted to do with it , because he never misses anything and he would have seen the ' password ' comment . I said I was going to try to figure out the truth . He seemed to like that . Of course , there 's the small matter of James . Oh , poor James . James really did come to stay with us for a while , to help Steven take care of me and look for the Stranger . Steven tells me that James went into the woods in the morning , after helping me clear the breakfast dishes . That is how he knew to look for him there when he didn 't turn up that evening . And he really did return , presumably in a fashion much like the one accounted for earlier in the blog , and I called for Steven to help me with him . Because I know my husband quite well , I am proud to say . I know how to read him . So I know that the man laying asleep in bed in the next room thinks I somehow drove his friend crazy or convinced him to commit suicide , and he 's now doing his best to make sure no one finds out what I did . I want to delete everything that 's been written here - god , when did I have time to write those horrible things ? But I can 't at the same time . Even that … that terrible last thing . That couldn 't have been me . It couldn 't have . When Steven came to get me yesterday , I had a letter waiting . A card , more like . I thought it was a get well card , and so too must have my nurses , because they screen all our mail before they give it to us . It was a holiday card , with a glittery red bird on a white background . Inside it said , ' Dearest ' Janey ' , I hope you 're feeling more yourself . Don 't forget the Introvertedbird . The password 's the usual . ' But of course , no one we love ever really dies . We bury them in the ground and in our hearts , and sometimes they take root . Janey took root in me , I think . She was always the strong one , the brazen one . She was the one who went into the woods at night , she was the one who stayed all through the night and laughed at me for waiting in the corn the next morning . But I watched her get sick , I watched her become obsessed with something out there , so maybe that strength wasn 't all it seemed at the time . She was , after all , the one who pitched a tent in the woods and was found almost two weeks later strung up from a tree , gutted like a deer . The truth is a poison , or maybe the lies are poison pushing the truth to a head . I have to spew them out , and get it out now . Steven , I 'm so sorry . For all the things she said about you . Or I said about you . Because the truth is , my husband is a good man , and he was an excellent cop . We were happily married . I loved him , we danced in our living room and cooked together in our kitchen and made love in our bed . We were in love . He never struck me , never threatened me , and when I got scared and tearful , he was gentle and kind . I think he knew I was going quietly insane , but he didn 't want to destroy my dignity by pointing it out . Then , almost three years ago , I got pregnant . I … I 'm not exactly sure what all I tried to do , except that Steven caught me . My memories of it are blurry . My head hurt so terribly , and it was almost as if I weren 't there at all . we fell down the stairs together . I got my wish , but I also crippled my husband . There was so much blood . He was bent at a terrible angle at the bottom of the stairs , unconscious . In that particular moment , I felt something else with me . I was in my body , I was in pain , I thought I was dying . Something helped me to my feet . I went to the phone , called 911 . Steven fought tooth and nail , first from his hospital bed and then from a wheelchair , to convince everyone , including my lawyer and the court , that I hadn 't meant to harm him . That we 'd had an accident . That I was ill , and I needed help . And I sat in the witness chair and , weeping , agreed . I did need help . What kind of monster was I , to have done to him what I did . So much has happened since that frightened little rabbit ventured out of her warren . I am currently in Michigan , though I will be leaving soon . Tomorrow , perhaps . The day after , if not . I 've gotten a job , the first I 've had since high school . I must admit , I couldn 't bring myself to go to a shelter , as originally I planned . Let 's face it , someone would looked into my background - I 'm not a good enough liar to make up a convincing story . People always believe Steven 's version of the story ; I know you don 't , but that 's just because you haven 't met him . Or me . You 've only read about me and him and the thing that could be called ' us ' . Stephen looks like a man who , though once strong , has been broken . It 's very hard not to fall into the habit of feeling bad for him - even I do it . People who have never experienced his temper ( and he can be so good at hiding it ) have a very hard time believing that such a wounded man could be capable of hurting anyone . He 's gentle , I 've been told by mothers who 's children he 's lectured on traffic safety . He 's kind , I 've been told by little old people who 've taken his leaflets about home security . He 's very sweet , I 've been told by nurses who have watched him drag my drugged body into the ER . And all of them say it with the same accusation in their eyes : how could you , Jane ? How could you hurt a man like him ? I didn 't need to try convincing any more people that I wasn 't insane . I just needed to escape … and even though I didn 't , this has all been very nice . I got a break from all the horrid things in Jane 's life , and for a little while was Joyce . I got a night shift job at a gas station in Ludington , and I slept in motels and hotels . A different place every couple of days , and once , when I couldn 't find a vacancy , my coworker let me sleep on his couch . He smokes a lot of weed , and I think he thought I was going to sleep with him , but he didn 't try to force me . Tonight , since this is the last ( or nearly the last ) night I am spending away from Jane 's life , I am staying in a nice hotel . A Comfort Inn . The bed is very soft , and they have a little library where you can borrow books during your stay . They also have a computer in the lobby that people can use for whatever they want , and since it 's almost one in the morning , no one else needs it . So here I am . Stephen is alive , and waiting for me . The Stranger told me so last night . He found me , as I was walking home , and he cornered me as I walked back to the last motel . Stephen is alive , he told me , bending down to growl in my face , but Patric Gairn ( the same Pat who so loved to stare at my ass , even when his wife was looking ) is dead . Evelyn Gairn ( who would have been a friend , if she hadn 't thought I was trying to seduce her husband ) is dead . Paul Shorr ( poor Paul , who wanted to be a cop and though Stephen hung the moon ) is dead . Daryl McClain ( who laughed when Stephen lost his temper on Christmas Eve that year , who told him that giving me a ' love tap like dat ' wasn 't going to fix me ) is dead . Caroline Hurst ( poor Caroline , who pulled her hair out by the fist full and had almost clawed her own eyes out , who held me when I cried and told me I wasn 't crazy , none of us were crazy ) is dying , Dr . Daniels is going to die , and I will too , if I don 't stop this running game . He grabbed me by one arm and the skin that touched mine was cold enough to hurt . He didn 't say a word , not a single word out loud , but he listed the dead and dying just the same . One body for every week I 've been gone , plus Evelyn because killing her made things simpler and all the more horrible . If they 'd had kids - oh , it scared me , the look on his face when he said that ; that hungry , dreamy look - if they 'd had kids it would have been even worse ; how he could have fixed them for me , how he could have worked . The worst of if is that I know they 're dead . He isn 't just trying to frighten me back home . He isn 't lying . I don 't think he can . Or , if he can , he doesn 't . Why lie , when the truth is always worse than any fantasy ? Four people are dead - five , if you count James ( and how can I not ) , and six when you add Caroline . Seven , if Dr . Daniels dies as well . I feel sick with myself , for running away … for not even being good enough at running away to stay lost and forgotten in a world as thick with hiding places at this . I will take a buss home tomorrow , or the day after . I 'm terrified of what will meet me there . After he listed the dead , after he tried to impress on me how dire the situation was , he ran a hand over my hair , smoothing in in a gesture that was a mockery of comfort ( and how it shames me to admit that my heart took solace from the gesture , that it did me well to know he still meant me no ill will ) and told me Joyce was to be a sacrifice from me . Cut her away , he said . She isn 't the One he wants . I 'm crying as I write this , because I don 't want to lose Joyce . The boy behind the desk is looking at me in that funny way people look at you when you cry in public , and I feel bad for making him feel awkward . That 's Joyce . Jane doesn 't care anymore what people think of her . Joyce has room in her heart to care ; to tell her dope - head coworker that the girl who comes in every night to buy gum and spends half an hour talking to him about stupid things like baseball and high school dances really likes him , and he should ask her out . Joyce smiles at strangers and can work the counter of a well - visited gas station , without getting shy or frightened . Joyce is every strong thing I have left to put out in front of me , but she 's also every soft thing . Every mindless kindness and joy . What am I to have left if I cut her away ? As I am writing this , I have just hit publish on ' Back On ' . I am terrified of this place . There are things happening here that shouldn 't be . The Stranger hasn 't shown his face , but his presence lurks in the house . At night , I can hear things moving in the basement ; I can 't get the door to the basement to close . The crack in the porch door is clogged with some kind of black , tacky substance . I have tried and tried to scrub the spots on the floor where the Stranger 's blood fell , but the stains remain . Perhaps Steven has come home . That could go either way , be a good thing or a bad thing . Perhaps the power has gone out again . But hopefully what it means is that my plan has worked , and I am gone from this house . I have no where to go , but there are shelters for women in distress . I am certainly one of those . I found a small roll of cash and ( if I am allowed to leave ) I will take the smallest of Steven 's guns with me . Tags : abuse , bad ideas , death , drowning , faceless , friends of the family , Love and Responsibility , marriage , sanity , smoke , Stranger , truth , water , writing The electricity is back on . That 's something of a comfort . I hope it will stay on long enough to post . Of course , you 'll never know I tried posting if the power does go out again , so that statement is rather superfluous . Steven hurt me . He hurt me very badly . I 'm not even sure why . I fell asleep on the couch after lunch and I woke to him dragging me up by my hair . He was screaming something about his house , but he was fairly incoherent and I … don 't have the best memory when he 's screaming at me . He started smashing my face into the stairs , screaming ' this is MY HOUSE , MY HOUSE ' every time my face hit . I tried to get away from him and I couldn 't . Remember that I 've told you there is no help around here for me . I have nowhere to run and no friends to collude with , and certainly no one to call to for help . And your response , my loving audience , was to suggest my Stranger as a possible aide . I screamed for help , and the windows went black . The sound wasn 't even all out of me , and something … coated the windows . It was like a black fog . It terrified me , but Steven simply seemed all the more enraged . He let loose my hair and started kicking me . Every time he kicked me , he pointed at the window in the living room . " You see that ? ! You see what you brought here ? ! " The basement door slammed open . I heard it crack on the wall . Footsteps . Steven laughed , said something about being ready for this happy jackass . I curled in on myself after he stepped away , but I heard the gunshot . I looked up and the Stranger was standing at the doorway . There was a ragged hole in his shoulder and it was leaking blood and something blacker , and he … sort of giggled . Except giggling is what little girls do on their swing sets , this was a bad sound . Presumably , Steven was dumbfounded , as he was standing there with his old service revolver in his hands , not moving . He prides himself as a great shot , one of the best before our little incident last year . I doubt greatly that he aimed for anything but the Stranger 's head or heart . Missing was blow to him . He raised the gun to shoot again , and the Stranger simply stepped forward and plucked the gun out of Steven 's hand . Steven doesn 't hold guns , he clutches them . Yet so easily was it taken from him , I wondered if I was dreaming . Or dead . In accordance , I expected something horrible to happen to Steven with the gun now out of his possession . Instead , the Stranger simply loomed over him , and he said , " Rrrrrrrrrrrruuhhhn . " This was on Thursday afternoon . When Steven 's car screamed its way out of the driveway , the house went dark , like we were having a power outage . I had a power outage , by which I mean I blacked out . When I woke up I was upstairs in bed . There was blood on my face when I looked into the mirror , and my left eye is all swollen shut . I am now short one adult incisor . The black was gone from the windows , and the Stranger no where to be found . Neither was Steven . The door the the basement won 't close . The lights wouldn 't come on until about fifteen minutes ago , when I sat down by my computer . The only consistently working thing in the house has been the water . I don 't even know if that counts , since it seems to spontaneously turn on . A hot shower running with no one in it . It bothers me , so I 've been taking a lot of showers to try and feel less guilty . Rest assured , I 'm not stupid enough to think that , if I had somewhere else to go , staying here with Steven would be the best choice . Or even really a choice at all . Not with the way he 's gotten these past few weeks . But the things is , guys , there is nowhere else for me to go . The farm we 're living on was my fathers ; the last bit of land left over from generations of selling it off acre by acre . My parents are both dead , they died not long after my marriage to Steven . I have no siblings . My old friends want nothing to do with me , afraid ( like so many people , it seems ) that the insanity I 've been labeled with is catching . My current friends are all considered genuinely insane and all , as far as I know , remain in Aurora . They are , suffice to say , not in a position to help me . While I loved the idea of hiding a video camera somewhere in the house in the hopes of catching Steven at his worst ( it 's so dramatic ! ) I don 't own a camera anymore , and I 've never had one that records video . I haven 't had money in my hands very often sense marrying Steven , and not at all since returning from the hospital . All purchases go through Steven . This is a control issue he 's always had . It was something my Father loved about him : I never had to worry about going Dutch when we were dating . And as for running away ? I 'm miles from anywhere , with the only close neighbors thinking I 'm a murderous psychotic who abused herself and tried to kill her husband . They 've thought I was mentally unstable ever since my miscarriage , actually . Sharon especially doesn 't like me . What would I do ? Hide in the woods ? I rather think not . Speaking of , I 've seen that … stuff again . I was sitting on the porch , watching the sun go down and keeping an eye on Steven as he fiddled with something under the hood of his car in the driveway . And as the shadows started stretching out from the high grass , I saw something moving with them . At first I thought it was just the wind teasing the grass , but it had more purpose . But it was just formless black , almost liquid , almost cloud . It moved across the field , sticking to the thicker shadows , and it seemed to be heading toward the house . I stood up to get a better look at it . Because I was certain what I thought I was seeing couldn 't be right . Rats , I thought , there must be rats in the grass . Or some other scurrying , ground dwelling thing . But all I saw was that … stuff . I called Steven 's name , meaning to draw his attention to it , but when he looked up it sort of sank into the ground . Nothing there . Maybe I had been dreaming it . Steven just looked up at me , giving me a questioning look , and I couldn 't help but smile . It was almost a reflex , because seeing that stuff go away , hallucination or not , flooded me with relief . Because it wanted something . Something unpleasant . Steven and I got into a fight . Which is rather amazing in and of itself , because since I 've known Steven we 've gotten into an argument maybe five times . If that . One of the first things a lady learns when dealing with a man like Steven is to keep her mouth shut , no matter what she might want to say - because things can always get worse . The last time we had an argument . . well , you can imagine , I 'm sure . Almost two years ago now , and I accidentally almost killed him . After that , I swore I could keep my mouth shut , keep myself contained , no matter what he did . I would be the calm one , I would be the leaf in his gale - storm winds . I would never hurt anyone like that again . Back before my sanity came under review and was subsequently marked ' questionable ' by respected healthcare professionals , I looked at the barn cats that frequent our property as my pets by proxy . Steven didn 't care back then , even allowed me to buy cat food when we went shopping , which I would put out on the porch for them to eat . Few of them were tame enough to do more than stare at me from the high grass , but a couple were as good as any house cat ; they 'd roll over on the porch and let me rub their tummies or sit by my feet when I was taking in an early sunrise . Now , most of them don 't even come up near the house . They 're scared , they don 't get fed , and it 's been made abundantly clear that they aren 't wanted . Still , in the past few weeks , a few of them have been so bold as to come up into the drive way . This , apparently , makes Steven quite angry . This afternoon , a small group of cats were sitting together in the drive , and I was watching them from the porch . Then Steven came home . Pulled up in the driveway , blaring his horn to scare the cats out of his way , and then slammed his way out of the car . He stalked past me , into the house , and then came back out with his rifle , aimed it into the high grass , and pulled the trigger . I don 't think he hit anything , but … the action , the bull - headed nastiness of the attitude … it made me mad . They were just cats , and they hadn 't done anything to hurt him . And he was constantly going on about how disgusting they were and how he was going to put traps out for them , and I thought he was doing it just to be mean to me , but to actually go and get a gun and try to shoot them … it was wrong . Before I could think about what I was doing , I was out of my chair , hand on his wrist , yanking at him , yelling for him to leave them alone , to quit this shit , just quit . You might think I 'm an idiot for doing what I did when he was holding a gun . But the honest to god truth is that whatever else he may want , Steven doesn 't want me gone . He 'll hurt me and hurt me , but he 's not going to shoot me . And he 's ever so rational , even when he 's doing terrible things . He won 't shoot me on accident . We shouted at each other , right there outside . It 's not like anyone lives close enough to know we were really fighting - though what they would think the poor man and his crazy wife were raising their voiced to do if not fight , I can only imagine - and in a way it was quite liberating . I can 't remember anything in specific being said , until he hit me again . This time it was more of a shove , and I fell right off the porch , right on my ass . It hurt , as I 'm sure you can imagine , but when I hit the ground , the window on our front door broke . It sounded like ice when the temperature suddenly warms and there is too much weight on the surface , a loud CRACKing that caught us both off guard . I said yes , I understand , of course I do , even though I don 't know what it is , and he pulled me to my feet . " Get your ass inside and try to stay out of my fucking hair , " he said , and I did . He still hasn 't come back in . I think he might have driven off to go see a friend . I don 't really care . The crack is of course still there , running in a spider web from a point slightly off its center . I looks like someone struck it with a bat , but of course we know that 's not the case . It 's somewhat frightening to look at , knowing the circumstances of it 's occurrence . Yet despite the way the day sounds when I put it all down in words , I am going to bed feeling overall pleased with the day . I can 't even explain why . It 's not as if I 've accomplished something here . Not long after mopping the floors , I went to sit down in the living room . Another bad headache today , I 'm afraid . I turned on the stereo to listen to some music , and I was enjoying the sound of Connie Francis singing ' I Will Wait For You ' , when I started to feel like he was around . I have never owned a video camera , but I did have a little digital Polaroid that I used to use to take pictures of the trees changing color and the sky at dawn or dusk , little cliche nature shots . That was what I had on the table beside me , and what I slid my hand around and casually turned on as I tried my best not to look around for him . Trying to look straight at him always seems to trigger his disappearance . I really liked that camera . It was purple , one of my favorite colors , and it still had a few nice ( or I flatter myself to think they were nice ) shots of skyline on it . But the screen went black as if I 'd turned it off , and the lens remains stuck out as if it 's ready to take a picture . I tried putting the SD card in the computer , but it wouldn 't even recognize it .

By marguerite Anna Gilkerson 's current Makenew collection is at Love , Me Boutique all day today ! I was at the shop last eve and was so impressed by the whole scene . Anna has managed to create collections of vintage clothes with such cohesion and a small footprint . I love the concept . Recycled clothes are great … but we can feel sometimes like it is second best . Makenew is the perfect antidote . Each piece takes on new life within the theme of the collection , it finds new ways to be worn that are current and in great taste . Kinda like have a personal shopper and a stylist - but you will still spend less than you would shopping new ! By marguerite It has been a long time since I have posted here on made for you . I have been in a whirlwind of chaos with children , jobs , household , weather , elections and emotions . I have had so much to write about and yet so little space to do it . Is there more space today ? Maybe … or maybe I just had to get back on the horse - space or no space ! I have been contemplating the upcoming holiday of Mother 's Day . It is a stranger day for me now that I am a mother . Before it was so straight forward , I celebrated my mom . Now I am celebrated as a mother as well as appreciating my own mother . This expansion has inspired me to think of this day in an even bigger way … What does mother mean to us ? Outside of having a mom or not or being a mom or not . Is motherness living and impacting our lives ? I strive to connect with the space and nurture of mother energy , yet feel busy and overwhelmed much of the time . This weekend I am going to attempt to create space , for myself and for others . Please join me in this monumental and noble task ! By marguerite I like working around other people . I really like working with other people . Unfortunately a lot of the work I do seems to be solitary : writing emails , writing blog posts , drawing and designing . I enjoy the work I do , but I find that if I am alone , I have a hard time being disciplined , I run into roadblocks and I get restless easily . So , along with many others , I take my work out into the world . I perch with my laptop at Steve - o - reno 's or Fred and drink lattes while doing the same work I would have done at home . Despite the interruptions , chats and bustle of a cafe , I still get more work done . I feel inspired and invigorated by the world and people around me and I use my time more efficiently . In a further effort to do work around others , I have become a member at The Hub on Barrington St . The Hub is a shared workspace where many individuals ( lawyers , designers , programmers , facilitators , entrepreneurs … etc . ) get together , in a beautiful space , and do their own work . Fortunately there are no cubicles , and the cross pollination of this shared place is alive and sparky . People network , share ideas , and develop partnerships . Although I am still learning the lay of the land , I feel as though I am on a honeymoon , basking in the vibrant social environment , focused and grounded in my work and ready for the next big moment . Another social work situation in my life is The Mother Hub on Almon St . Having a new baby at home it has been very challenging to keep up with work demand on top of babe care and house hold tasks . I found myself having this conversation with mother 's all around me . " How do you get anything done ? " So , inspired by The Hub , I opened my house up on Tuesday to new mother 's who need some space to get something done . People bring there babes and a lunch and the task at hand . We swap around to allow for each person to have some time to write , read , fill out forms , knit , make some calls … or even have a nap . A sense of accomplishment and support is the result . Together and alone there is much to be done . I appreciate that my work is exponentially better when created with others and my energy is increased when inspired by the work of others . Halifax is a great place to share ideas , not only because we need a lot of great ones , but also because there is so much potential for them to be realized . A personal love that informs and supports all of the other areas of my life . This is for my sweet and loyal husband , best friend and partner in all things , Noel . It has been a challenging month of juggling children , working our butts off , keeping the house together and making plans . Our lives are exploding with ideas and inspiration , diapers and distractions , tension and tenderness . While in the thick of this seeming insanity I get claustrophobic and emotional , I feel as though things will never loosen up or relax ; there will never be enough time . Where is that guy I married ? We have talked about groceries , money , school drop offs and email , but we have not really seen each other . When I find my friend , all of a sudden I am back in a space where I feel like things are workable . We can operate as a partnership and a creative force , and my energy and capacity is exponentially increased . All of a sudden we have time to talk about subtle feelings and neurotic confessions , aspirations and theory or nothing at all . We see each other . Five years ago we were married in our little apartment on Harvey St . We vowed to love each other and support each others work in the world . To take care of our family and take care of this world in all the ways we could think of . I am amazed at the weight of that commitment and the places it has taken us . Two children and two apartments later we are right on the edge of our lives . Devoted to this place of Nova Scotia and learning all we can from other parts of the world . Experiencing an incredible wave of creativity and collaboration and working to bring it into our home and work and city on daily basis . Ginger sat at a table playing cards , he looked up as Sydney came in but only for a moment . He sniffed derisively , going back to the game . Sydney waited for the hand to finish and then pulled a chair up a short distance from the man . Sydney used the chair to push off ; he put all of his weight behind the hit , and heard something in his hand make an unhappy clicking sound as it connected with the square jaw - line . Within a moment he had a million hands on him , hitting him hard and pulling him away . A cold knife pressed angry against his liver . " You 've still got one hell ' uv ' a cross , for a washed out drunk . Alright so you 're not a cop , no need to get angry . Have a seat . " He laughed and waived his thugs away . Sydney shook the last of their hands off of him and sat back down , his eyes were dark . Ginger cracked his neck and stretched , and then sucker punched Sydney knocking him off his chair . He sprawled out , hitting the floor hard . When he got up Ginger nodded at him and ordered two drinks . " Nothing . Why 'd you kill her ? " Sydney sat down again and lit a cigarette . When the drinks came he drank it in one . He felt nauseous . " No " Ginger shrugged and nodded to a man at the table to start dealing cards . " She lied to me . That 's what happens . You lie to a man like me , maybe you end up dead . " He growled at the dealer not to include Wolfe in the hand . " You sure she was lying ? " Ginger stopped and looked at him . " Maybe she really didn 't know where Daniels was . " The man paused , but then shrugged and kept playing . " She knew , and she knew better then to start throwing a fit in the middle of my business . She shouldn 't have tried to hide him from me . She was more clever than she let on . She had it coming . " He spoke like his words were acid . Sydney watched his face closely . " I will . " The man kept his eyes on the table , answering the detective out of the corner of his mouth . Sydney leaned back in his chair and motioned for another drink . This time the hit knocked him out , and for a while there was just stars and black . When he came to , his mouth hurt and tasted of dirt , blood , and bourbon . He was lying face down behind The Can , his head pulsing in time with his heartbeat . He walked up the street and waited for a cab . Halfway home he had the driver pull over so that he could vomit . When he got home he took a shower and went to bed . The next day was Sunday . He took the day off , and drank until he met oblivion ; they stayed together until the evening when he left a voicemail for Samantha Daniels . It said to meet him at the Westcliff diner in the afternoon , that he had solved the case . He put on a record and went to bed . Samantha Daniels walked into the small diner in the West end . Men sat at a table by the window , in hockey jerseys talking loudly . The man in the dirty corduroy suit sat at a corner booth in the back . She went over and sat down across from him . He called to Martha to bring them coffee . He looked at Samantha with warm dark eyes and asked her conscientiously whether she would like anything to eat . She said no and the man ordered himself a cheeseburger and a slice of pie . Sydney Wolfe P . I . looked even less impressive than the first time they 'd met . The left side of his face was swollen and bruised , and there was a cut on his lip . She wondered why she felt nervous , and sat up straighter holding her hands in her lap so that they didn 't fidget . Decades later she would still be able to recall the scent of the man in front of her . It was a mixture of hard alcohol , coffee , and cigarettes . It was like another world , the smell of uncles , and grandfathers ; old men at bus - stops . She looked at the man and thought of the two plain envelopes in her purse ; she wondered what would happen next . " As you know , your husband was involved with a gang of criminals led by a man named Ginger . Sally Shields , real name Turner , was a member of this group . Either deliberately or not she got into the office , and bed , of the Councilman and got him hooked on drugs , probably cocaine . At some point the Councilman got involved with Ginger , forging documents and using his connections to get a shipment of containers from Germany through customs without being searched . These allegedly contain steel for a construction gig out in Fall River , but it is more likely they 're drugs ; I 'm guessing Hashish , though I couldn 't say for certain . The shipment comes in this Thursday , and as far as I can tell , the thing should at this point go off as planned with or without the Councilman , which suggests to me that you knew most , if not all , of this already . " She looked at him with cool blue eyes . " I don 't know a million reasons probably . You were tired of him , the marriage , his crass affairs . You aren 't the kind of woman who gets a divorce ; you 're the kind who gets away with murder . I imagine you think it is cleaner , more civilized . I don 't know why , only you do . But I thing it 's likely that it had something to do with the fact that you 've been embezzling funds from your investors for years , cleaning it through his office . Maybe he helped , or more likely he just let you do whatever you needed . Maybe he didn 't even know , only guessed . But either way you killed him . I don 't know how or where , I didn 't look into that , I could if you want me to , but I 'm guessing there 's no need . Doubt it 'll trace back to you , and that 's all you wanted me for , isn 't it ? " " She 's dead , killed two nights ago ; probably by the thugs she worked with . " He felt angry with the city , with all the people in it . He should get a cabin somewhere , go and get away from it all . He handed her a small stack of files and papers . " Here , these are the records you left in Daniels ' office . From what I gather he didn 't have the brains to pull it off without you , so I wouldn 't leave ' em around . Cops are stupid , but they aren 't that stupid . " " And if they do ? " He smiled at her . He shrugged . She realized that he didn 't like her . She reached into her purse and wrote him a check , it wasn 't excessive , but it would do . He took it and began to eat his lunch . She put on her jacket , she was calm , collected . The man ate his lunch and didn 't look at her as she wished him ' good day ' and left the diner . She went to the police station and reported her husband missing . She never saw Sydney Wolfe again , although years later when a friend in unique trouble came to her for help she would recommend his services . The investigation into the Councilman 's disappearance led to a major drug bust later that week , it was decided that he had probably been killed by the criminals he 'd been working with once his part in the deal was done . Months later his body was found washed up on a beach . The Police determined that he had been shot to death and then dumped in the harbour . The gun used was never found . Samantha Daniels was cleared of suspicion early on in the investigation . By marguerite I am a city mouse / country mouse . I don 't think I will ever be one or the other . I was fortunate enough to grow up with a farm life and an urban life . I feel deeply connected to the busy , moving , social world of the city and the earthy , open , quiet space of the farm and forest . These two places offer me nourishment in different ways and help me to gain perspective on the other . I have been hearing more and more about farm centered events in the city . Musicians for Farmers , Love your Farmer , dinners hosted by farmers , and connecting producers and consumers more directly … I am so excited about this wave and look forward to learning more . I will keep you all up to date on the latest trends in Farm Love arena . This week there will be a rally at the Turning Circle next to the Seaport Market . Saturday Feb . 26th at 11am . Come and show your support for farmers , food , and the protection of our precious farmland . See you there ! After eating a shoddy breakfast and leaving a voicemail for Sam Daniels , Sydney headed back to the office . He called Sally to come over and let him in . She looked tired and grumpy , and was clearly displeased at having been called in on her day off . But she didn 't put up a fight when he asked for a list of the Councilman 's appointments . She found him what he wanted , handed him the keys to lock up , and left . Her mouth and eyes pouted at him angry and abused and once again he couldn 't help smiling as he watched her walk away . The rest of the morning , and most of the day , was spent making phone calls and chasing down appointments . Most of it was a bust , but after bribing a buddy of his who worked at the shipyard he was able to find the container number for a shipment of steel the Councilman had signed through customs that was coming in on Thursday . It was Saturday , and he and his buddy were in the ship yard alone . " Not always . Yours won 't be , been cleared through customs already , got a rush on it . Guess they need it for some construction job that 's on a deadline or something out in Fall River . I don 't know . . . Why ? " His buddy eyed him strangely . " Yeah , sure Syd . I 'll give you a call if there 's anything . . . you know , strange . Give my best to your sister hey ? " " Thanks . . . and yeah I 'll tell her ' hi ' . " His buddy smiled like an idiot and got into his car . He drove away . Sydney smoked looking out at the containers and the harbour behind them . He hadn 't spoken to his sister in years ; he didn 't plan on doing so any time soon . She lived with her family in Winnipeg and thought he was a drunk . He thought she was a stuck up whore . He grimaced , put his cigarette out , and drove up - town . Chris 's car kept stalling because of the cold . Sydney exhaled heavily , hating the world . " I figured as much , " she demurred , and handed him another envelope . It was heavier than the first had been . Sydney didn 't comment , he put it away and flipped open his note pad . " Nope . Not from what I can find . It 's sure she doesn 't know where he is now . " He watched her reaction . " Jealous ? " He asked . " Don 't be absurd ! " She tossed her hair . " So what now , do you think I should go to the police ? " Her eyes flickered and she sipped at her martini . " Nah , I 'd wait out the weekend . I 'm guessing he was involved in a smuggling operation with one of the tougher gangs in the Province . Probably one of them killed him , but I don 't know why yet . I 'd say hang tight . Monday 'll be soon enough to go to the cops . . . Did you know anything about it ? " He looked at her face , it had no expression . " I had no idea . I suspected something , but I had no idea it was that . I figured he had just gotten carried away with that tramp from his office . It wouldn 't have been the first time . But no , I didn 't know he 'd . . . fallen so far . It is surprising to say the least . " " You know why he might do something like that ? Were you having money troubles ? " He asked casually . He knew the answer ; he 'd already seen the files at the office . But he wanted to see what she would say . " We weren 't , but perhaps he was . We have separate finances . If he was having trouble it is probable he wouldn 't tell me about it . Inferiority complex ! He has always been . . . sensitive to the differences in our level of competence . " Her voice was cool , truthful . She ordered another drink . " How vulgar ! Please ! We discussed it a few months ago , I would of course have been happy to oblige him in such foolishness . However I pointed out to him what an ugly spectacle that would make of both our lives . He understood and the topic was dropped . Besides , he depends on me entirely . It was merely drama . I am afraid that my husband is in truth a fairly stupid man . " She drank her second martini in one . " But , that doesn 't mean I don 't want to find him detective Wolfe , or that I don 't care enough to make sure that he is safe and well . " " Let me know what you discover . I shall wait to go to the police until you have advised me . Good evening . " She did not look backward as she left . Sydney finished his drink and watched her go . Sydney went home to eat dinner and drink . Around 1030 he went out again to a posh bar up - town to drink some more . He found Tyler Grey sitting in a corner with some people and sat down nearby to ignore him . He drank fast with his head down and wished that he could smoke . After twenty minutes Tyler came over , he looked excited . " Yeah sure . How you figure we 're so chummy all of a sudden ? " He hoped he didn 't look smug . They got their drinks and Grey slipped onto the stool beside him . " Yeah , I found out last night after talkin to you . Got back to the party and everyone was talking about it . Common Syd , you wouldn 't hold out on your old friend . " He grinned . His face made Sydney want to punch it . " Well , actually I 've been doing some detecting of my own since then , spoke with Jenny Brooks over drinks at the after party . She knew all about it . You know her ? " The kid was smug and Sydney wanted to hit him even more . Instead he shrugged . Jenny Brooks was the city 's society gossip and busy body . Sydney didn 't know her personally , but he knew of her . He figured she probably did know all about everything , although she seemed to have sense enough not to tell all that she knew . " Not that you would have condoned it if he had , right ? Cuz ' you 're all on the up an up , right ? " Grey just laughed . He was enjoying himself . His friends called over to him from the corner . " That 's right Wolfey , strictly legit . Well anyway , what do you think is going on ? What were all those questions about the other night , you think maybe he was embezzling after all ? . . . Yeah ! Just a minute . " He called back to the corner . Grey eyed him suspiciously but was tight enough not to care too much . He shrugged , then smiled , and winked , and gave him the old punch on the arm ; Sydney ground his teeth . The kid stumbled back to his table to make up a story full of intrigue . Sydney finished his drink , got up , and left . He had returned Chris 's car after his meet with Mrs Daniels so he hailed a cab to take him to The Can . It was a little after midnight and he knew Ginger would be there playing cards . He had the cab drop him a block away so that he could approach on foot ; he needed the air and exercise to clear his head . Halfway there he heard two gunshots and the wheels of a car screech . A moment later an old grey sedan flew past him with two men in it . One was the young thug from the night before . Sally Turner was slumped against the side of the bar . A cigarette still burned between the fingers of her hand . Her face was relaxed and stared into a patch of snow that had withstood the rain . She had on a red dress and heels , and her lips were a different shade then they had been that morning . They no longer pouted . They would never again pout , or sneer , or smile . Sydney looked at her and his look was hard and cold . There were two holes in the fabric of her dress , and a dark stain had begun to paint the ground . A few people had come outside ; they stood at a distance and looked at the detective . He sighed heavily and walked past her into the bar . The cops came and took her away . He knew the two guys who went around asking questions from back in the day . They didn 't get any helpful answers ; this wasn 't the crowd for that . It made them aggressive , and that made their ' witnesses ' even less cooperative . Sydney sat at the bar drinking . He decided to punch them if they asked him anything , which would get him arrested and probably beat up . It would be worth it . He drank some more . Either the cops didn 't think anything he had to say would be worth hearing , or else they didn 't want to deal with the paper - work . They ignored him , finished asking questions and finally left . Feeling belligerent and reckless Sydney ordered another drink and went into the back room to speak with Ginger , no body tried to stop him . " Pursuing leads in the case as I find em . " He answered , eating casually . The well dressed men and women in the room looked at his shabby clothes and dirty hair with contempt and disdain . He didn 't mind . " Sam darling , it 's so good to see you . Is Herald here ? We were supposed to have drinks the other day but he never showed . I hope he 's not ill . " Mrs Daniels smiled and edged closer to the Mayor , away from the man at her side . But before she could answer , Sydney spoke , " What day was that ? If you don 't mind my asking , that you were supposed to meet with Councilman Daniels ? " " No one , just a friend of Mrs Daniels . " Sydney smiled at the uncomfortable woman , nodded to the Mayor , and moved away . In a far corner he found the man he had been looking for . Tyler Grey was an accountant for the city . He had worked for the municipality for over ten years and had lined his and his friend 's pockets for all ten of those . His records were always on the up and up , and the majority of his business was legitimate . But if a politician wanted to launder money , he was the man to grease the wheels . Sydney found him wearing a well cut suit and schmoozing with a cocktail waitress in the corner . " Nice to see you again Grey . Buy you a drink ? " Wolfe stepped forward nudging a shoulder between the man and the girl , and slipping a $ 50 with his other hand into the man 's pocket . The man looked unpleasantly at the detective , but then nodded and shrugged apologetically at the girl . " Sure , we had lunch . What about it ? " Grey eyed the detective warily . Sydney took out another $ 50 and slid it across to the man . The man took the money and sipped at his drink . " Daniels was gonna be coming into some money , wanted to know what I thought he should do with it . I told him . Simple as that . " " Wife 's charity , I figured she would . . . know how to run something like that . " His slight chuckle was irritating , " I told him if she didn 't like it , I 'd take care of it through one of my own projects , so long as he cut me in , he said alright , and we left it at that . Haven 't heard from him since though . What 's this all about ? " " Nothing . Let me know if you hear from him though , okay ? . " He handed him a card . " By the way , when was this pay - day supposed to be coming in ? " " Next week sometime . . . I 'll tell you what though , you see him you tell him to call me . " He winked obnoxiously again and went back to join the party , leaving Sydney with the bill . Sydney called a cab to take him back to his apartment on North . On the way he had the driver pass by the girl 's place on Charles . A light was on and he could see Sally in the kitchen talking on the phone , she looked upset . Chris Corrigan was a retired cop who lived in the neighbourhood , about a block away from the girl , Sydney sometimes went there to smoke his cigarettes and play cards . He went there now instead of going home . Chris was there , old and grey and probably dying slowly like most retired cops did . He was wearing his housecoat and watching t . v . He told Sydney to " bugger off " , he didn 't want to play cards . His house smelled of soup . Sydney didn 't care , he took the keys to an old civic that were hanging on the wall and told the man he 'd be back before morning . The old cop didn 't respond . The lights were still on when the detective pulled up , parking the car across the street , but the girl was no longer in the kitchen . Sydney waited , smoking . After a while she came back into the room , this time followed by a young thug who looked familiar . Sydney recognized him as one of Ginger 's boys . The two were arguing and every now and then Sally would get heated enough to try and strike him . They went on like this for about twenty minutes before the phone rang . Sydney watched the girl 's face as she answered it . Ten minutes later a cab pulled up in front of the building and honked . The lights in the apartment went off and both the girl and the kid came out , looking as chummy as ever , and got in . Sydney followed the cab to a house in a bad part of the South End . He watched the two get out and hurry inside . He figured the place was one of Ginger 's . After a while he parked in a dark alley off the street and took out his . 38 . He pulled his hat down and walked around the building looking for an open window . A couple of Ginger 's boys stood in the back smoking and cracking wise . Through a side window Sydney could see Ginger and the girl sitting at the kitchen table . The man 's face was calm and no redder than usual ; the girl was flush and angry . She had the papers from the Councilman 's office spread out on the table . Her voice was shrill , and through the window he could hear the girl yelling . " Why are you asking me that ? I don 't know , I keep telling you ! " She was frantic and Wolfe watched the red haired man reach out and pet her hand , speaking low and soothing . He watched fear fill her pretty blue eyes . " I told you everything I know . " He heard her say . " The wife 's hired a private detective . I don 't think she knows either . " The rest of the conversation was lost to posterity as a dog came around the side of the house and began to bark . Sydney slowly moved away into the darkness . He brought the car back to Chris , watched some t . v . and smoked . Then he went home . He poured himself a drink and put on a record , by the time he woke up it was morning . By marguerite This was the title of a photo show a I did at NSCAD years ago . I felt so fed up with the myth of romance and much more connected to the reality of heartbreak . The images I used were of a wind - up toy heart in the refrigerator . It was a visual choice more than a symbolic one really , but the images have remained meaningful to me so far . They are fully in tune with the theme this month . All about the power of vulnerability , dissolving boundaries and exploring the real love . In my relationships with parents , friends , lovers and children , I have experienced the greatest love through heartbreak . I am not talking about the " OMG I got dumped and now have to spend Valentine 's Day ALONE ! " kinda heartbreak . This is the kind where you actually feel your heart . Bloody and beating and tender and gross . Together is not better than alone because they are equally exposed and terrifying . Heartbreak that makes you wonder if you will ever feel anything else , while kind of hoping it will last forever . Let 's take this day , this stupid day of hallmark cards , disgusting candy and ridiculous pesticide soaked imported flowers and kick it to the curb . Make your own tradition of feeling your heart , as the magical and potent organ that it is . Wear it on the outside of your clothes and let the blood drip down into the snow as you walk down the street . Do not be embarrassed by your show of tenderness but instead feel the dignity and power of true love . A broken heart . By marguerite This is a great talk . I love the concept cause I love to share . Well this is not completely and always true … but a lot of the time I like to share . My house , my food , my books , my thoughts , my children . I like to share other peoples cars , food , children power tools … I felt so inspired by the very idea that this sort of thing is happening in such a huge way . On a personal level sharing helps me to break out of my self indulgent patterns . If I begin thinking of how I can use the things I have to help others , I become less territorial about the things I own . I am less eager to accumulate more things , and begin to see needing help as an opportunity to reach out . I don 't see " needing help " as a deficiency , or some kind of poverty , but as the simple reality that all people are not all things , we don 't own all the things ( or we shouldn 't have to ! ) , we live together and we are interdependent . Things become a way to connect with others , and to learn to ask for help , even if that is as simple as " Can I borrow one of your purses for my trip to Toronto ? " ( true story ) . I am realizing , more and more , that asking for help is as generous as offering help . How can we share our needs and offerings in order to uncover our own vulnerability and the wealth of our community ? Share your ideas with me . I would love to hear what you know of that is happening in this vast field of sharing , collaboration and community .

By marguerite Anna Gilkerson 's current Makenew collection is at Love , Me Boutique all day today ! I was at the shop last eve and was so impressed by the whole scene . Anna has managed to create collections of vintage clothes with such cohesion and a small footprint . I love the concept . Recycled clothes are great … but we can feel sometimes like it is second best . Makenew is the perfect antidote . Each piece takes on new life within the theme of the collection , it finds new ways to be worn that are current and in great taste . Kinda like have a personal shopper and a stylist - but you will still spend less than you would shopping new ! By marguerite It has been a long time since I have posted here on made for you . I have been in a whirlwind of chaos with children , jobs , household , weather , elections and emotions . I have had so much to write about and yet so little space to do it . Is there more space today ? Maybe … or maybe I just had to get back on the horse - space or no space ! I have been contemplating the upcoming holiday of Mother 's Day . It is a stranger day for me now that I am a mother . Before it was so straight forward , I celebrated my mom . Now I am celebrated as a mother as well as appreciating my own mother . This expansion has inspired me to think of this day in an even bigger way … What does mother mean to us ? Outside of having a mom or not or being a mom or not . Is motherness living and impacting our lives ? I strive to connect with the space and nurture of mother energy , yet feel busy and overwhelmed much of the time . This weekend I am going to attempt to create space , for myself and for others . Please join me in this monumental and noble task ! By marguerite I like working around other people . I really like working with other people . Unfortunately a lot of the work I do seems to be solitary : writing emails , writing blog posts , drawing and designing . I enjoy the work I do , but I find that if I am alone , I have a hard time being disciplined , I run into roadblocks and I get restless easily . So , along with many others , I take my work out into the world . I perch with my laptop at Steve - o - reno 's or Fred and drink lattes while doing the same work I would have done at home . Despite the interruptions , chats and bustle of a cafe , I still get more work done . I feel inspired and invigorated by the world and people around me and I use my time more efficiently . In a further effort to do work around others , I have become a member at The Hub on Barrington St . The Hub is a shared workspace where many individuals ( lawyers , designers , programmers , facilitators , entrepreneurs … etc . ) get together , in a beautiful space , and do their own work . Fortunately there are no cubicles , and the cross pollination of this shared place is alive and sparky . People network , share ideas , and develop partnerships . Although I am still learning the lay of the land , I feel as though I am on a honeymoon , basking in the vibrant social environment , focused and grounded in my work and ready for the next big moment . Another social work situation in my life is The Mother Hub on Almon St . Having a new baby at home it has been very challenging to keep up with work demand on top of babe care and house hold tasks . I found myself having this conversation with mother 's all around me . " How do you get anything done ? " So , inspired by The Hub , I opened my house up on Tuesday to new mother 's who need some space to get something done . People bring there babes and a lunch and the task at hand . We swap around to allow for each person to have some time to write , read , fill out forms , knit , make some calls … or even have a nap . A sense of accomplishment and support is the result . Together and alone there is much to be done . I appreciate that my work is exponentially better when created with others and my energy is increased when inspired by the work of others . Halifax is a great place to share ideas , not only because we need a lot of great ones , but also because there is so much potential for them to be realized . A personal love that informs and supports all of the other areas of my life . This is for my sweet and loyal husband , best friend and partner in all things , Noel . It has been a challenging month of juggling children , working our butts off , keeping the house together and making plans . Our lives are exploding with ideas and inspiration , diapers and distractions , tension and tenderness . While in the thick of this seeming insanity I get claustrophobic and emotional , I feel as though things will never loosen up or relax ; there will never be enough time . Where is that guy I married ? We have talked about groceries , money , school drop offs and email , but we have not really seen each other . When I find my friend , all of a sudden I am back in a space where I feel like things are workable . We can operate as a partnership and a creative force , and my energy and capacity is exponentially increased . All of a sudden we have time to talk about subtle feelings and neurotic confessions , aspirations and theory or nothing at all . We see each other . Five years ago we were married in our little apartment on Harvey St . We vowed to love each other and support each others work in the world . To take care of our family and take care of this world in all the ways we could think of . I am amazed at the weight of that commitment and the places it has taken us . Two children and two apartments later we are right on the edge of our lives . Devoted to this place of Nova Scotia and learning all we can from other parts of the world . Experiencing an incredible wave of creativity and collaboration and working to bring it into our home and work and city on daily basis . Ginger sat at a table playing cards , he looked up as Sydney came in but only for a moment . He sniffed derisively , going back to the game . Sydney waited for the hand to finish and then pulled a chair up a short distance from the man . Sydney used the chair to push off ; he put all of his weight behind the hit , and heard something in his hand make an unhappy clicking sound as it connected with the square jaw - line . Within a moment he had a million hands on him , hitting him hard and pulling him away . A cold knife pressed angry against his liver . " You 've still got one hell ' uv ' a cross , for a washed out drunk . Alright so you 're not a cop , no need to get angry . Have a seat . " He laughed and waived his thugs away . Sydney shook the last of their hands off of him and sat back down , his eyes were dark . Ginger cracked his neck and stretched , and then sucker punched Sydney knocking him off his chair . He sprawled out , hitting the floor hard . When he got up Ginger nodded at him and ordered two drinks . " Nothing . Why 'd you kill her ? " Sydney sat down again and lit a cigarette . When the drinks came he drank it in one . He felt nauseous . " No " Ginger shrugged and nodded to a man at the table to start dealing cards . " She lied to me . That 's what happens . You lie to a man like me , maybe you end up dead . " He growled at the dealer not to include Wolfe in the hand . " You sure she was lying ? " Ginger stopped and looked at him . " Maybe she really didn 't know where Daniels was . " The man paused , but then shrugged and kept playing . " She knew , and she knew better then to start throwing a fit in the middle of my business . She shouldn 't have tried to hide him from me . She was more clever than she let on . She had it coming . " He spoke like his words were acid . Sydney watched his face closely . " I will . " The man kept his eyes on the table , answering the detective out of the corner of his mouth . Sydney leaned back in his chair and motioned for another drink . This time the hit knocked him out , and for a while there was just stars and black . When he came to , his mouth hurt and tasted of dirt , blood , and bourbon . He was lying face down behind The Can , his head pulsing in time with his heartbeat . He walked up the street and waited for a cab . Halfway home he had the driver pull over so that he could vomit . When he got home he took a shower and went to bed . The next day was Sunday . He took the day off , and drank until he met oblivion ; they stayed together until the evening when he left a voicemail for Samantha Daniels . It said to meet him at the Westcliff diner in the afternoon , that he had solved the case . He put on a record and went to bed . Samantha Daniels walked into the small diner in the West end . Men sat at a table by the window , in hockey jerseys talking loudly . The man in the dirty corduroy suit sat at a corner booth in the back . She went over and sat down across from him . He called to Martha to bring them coffee . He looked at Samantha with warm dark eyes and asked her conscientiously whether she would like anything to eat . She said no and the man ordered himself a cheeseburger and a slice of pie . Sydney Wolfe P . I . looked even less impressive than the first time they 'd met . The left side of his face was swollen and bruised , and there was a cut on his lip . She wondered why she felt nervous , and sat up straighter holding her hands in her lap so that they didn 't fidget . Decades later she would still be able to recall the scent of the man in front of her . It was a mixture of hard alcohol , coffee , and cigarettes . It was like another world , the smell of uncles , and grandfathers ; old men at bus - stops . She looked at the man and thought of the two plain envelopes in her purse ; she wondered what would happen next . " As you know , your husband was involved with a gang of criminals led by a man named Ginger . Sally Shields , real name Turner , was a member of this group . Either deliberately or not she got into the office , and bed , of the Councilman and got him hooked on drugs , probably cocaine . At some point the Councilman got involved with Ginger , forging documents and using his connections to get a shipment of containers from Germany through customs without being searched . These allegedly contain steel for a construction gig out in Fall River , but it is more likely they 're drugs ; I 'm guessing Hashish , though I couldn 't say for certain . The shipment comes in this Thursday , and as far as I can tell , the thing should at this point go off as planned with or without the Councilman , which suggests to me that you knew most , if not all , of this already . " She looked at him with cool blue eyes . " I don 't know a million reasons probably . You were tired of him , the marriage , his crass affairs . You aren 't the kind of woman who gets a divorce ; you 're the kind who gets away with murder . I imagine you think it is cleaner , more civilized . I don 't know why , only you do . But I thing it 's likely that it had something to do with the fact that you 've been embezzling funds from your investors for years , cleaning it through his office . Maybe he helped , or more likely he just let you do whatever you needed . Maybe he didn 't even know , only guessed . But either way you killed him . I don 't know how or where , I didn 't look into that , I could if you want me to , but I 'm guessing there 's no need . Doubt it 'll trace back to you , and that 's all you wanted me for , isn 't it ? " " She 's dead , killed two nights ago ; probably by the thugs she worked with . " He felt angry with the city , with all the people in it . He should get a cabin somewhere , go and get away from it all . He handed her a small stack of files and papers . " Here , these are the records you left in Daniels ' office . From what I gather he didn 't have the brains to pull it off without you , so I wouldn 't leave ' em around . Cops are stupid , but they aren 't that stupid . " " And if they do ? " He smiled at her . He shrugged . She realized that he didn 't like her . She reached into her purse and wrote him a check , it wasn 't excessive , but it would do . He took it and began to eat his lunch . She put on her jacket , she was calm , collected . The man ate his lunch and didn 't look at her as she wished him ' good day ' and left the diner . She went to the police station and reported her husband missing . She never saw Sydney Wolfe again , although years later when a friend in unique trouble came to her for help she would recommend his services . The investigation into the Councilman 's disappearance led to a major drug bust later that week , it was decided that he had probably been killed by the criminals he 'd been working with once his part in the deal was done . Months later his body was found washed up on a beach . The Police determined that he had been shot to death and then dumped in the harbour . The gun used was never found . Samantha Daniels was cleared of suspicion early on in the investigation . By marguerite I am a city mouse / country mouse . I don 't think I will ever be one or the other . I was fortunate enough to grow up with a farm life and an urban life . I feel deeply connected to the busy , moving , social world of the city and the earthy , open , quiet space of the farm and forest . These two places offer me nourishment in different ways and help me to gain perspective on the other . I have been hearing more and more about farm centered events in the city . Musicians for Farmers , Love your Farmer , dinners hosted by farmers , and connecting producers and consumers more directly … I am so excited about this wave and look forward to learning more . I will keep you all up to date on the latest trends in Farm Love arena . This week there will be a rally at the Turning Circle next to the Seaport Market . Saturday Feb . 26th at 11am . Come and show your support for farmers , food , and the protection of our precious farmland . See you there ! After eating a shoddy breakfast and leaving a voicemail for Sam Daniels , Sydney headed back to the office . He called Sally to come over and let him in . She looked tired and grumpy , and was clearly displeased at having been called in on her day off . But she didn 't put up a fight when he asked for a list of the Councilman 's appointments . She found him what he wanted , handed him the keys to lock up , and left . Her mouth and eyes pouted at him angry and abused and once again he couldn 't help smiling as he watched her walk away . The rest of the morning , and most of the day , was spent making phone calls and chasing down appointments . Most of it was a bust , but after bribing a buddy of his who worked at the shipyard he was able to find the container number for a shipment of steel the Councilman had signed through customs that was coming in on Thursday . It was Saturday , and he and his buddy were in the ship yard alone . " Not always . Yours won 't be , been cleared through customs already , got a rush on it . Guess they need it for some construction job that 's on a deadline or something out in Fall River . I don 't know . . . Why ? " His buddy eyed him strangely . " Yeah , sure Syd . I 'll give you a call if there 's anything . . . you know , strange . Give my best to your sister hey ? " " Thanks . . . and yeah I 'll tell her ' hi ' . " His buddy smiled like an idiot and got into his car . He drove away . Sydney smoked looking out at the containers and the harbour behind them . He hadn 't spoken to his sister in years ; he didn 't plan on doing so any time soon . She lived with her family in Winnipeg and thought he was a drunk . He thought she was a stuck up whore . He grimaced , put his cigarette out , and drove up - town . Chris 's car kept stalling because of the cold . Sydney exhaled heavily , hating the world . " I figured as much , " she demurred , and handed him another envelope . It was heavier than the first had been . Sydney didn 't comment , he put it away and flipped open his note pad . " Nope . Not from what I can find . It 's sure she doesn 't know where he is now . " He watched her reaction . " Jealous ? " He asked . " Don 't be absurd ! " She tossed her hair . " So what now , do you think I should go to the police ? " Her eyes flickered and she sipped at her martini . " Nah , I 'd wait out the weekend . I 'm guessing he was involved in a smuggling operation with one of the tougher gangs in the Province . Probably one of them killed him , but I don 't know why yet . I 'd say hang tight . Monday 'll be soon enough to go to the cops . . . Did you know anything about it ? " He looked at her face , it had no expression . " I had no idea . I suspected something , but I had no idea it was that . I figured he had just gotten carried away with that tramp from his office . It wouldn 't have been the first time . But no , I didn 't know he 'd . . . fallen so far . It is surprising to say the least . " " You know why he might do something like that ? Were you having money troubles ? " He asked casually . He knew the answer ; he 'd already seen the files at the office . But he wanted to see what she would say . " We weren 't , but perhaps he was . We have separate finances . If he was having trouble it is probable he wouldn 't tell me about it . Inferiority complex ! He has always been . . . sensitive to the differences in our level of competence . " Her voice was cool , truthful . She ordered another drink . " How vulgar ! Please ! We discussed it a few months ago , I would of course have been happy to oblige him in such foolishness . However I pointed out to him what an ugly spectacle that would make of both our lives . He understood and the topic was dropped . Besides , he depends on me entirely . It was merely drama . I am afraid that my husband is in truth a fairly stupid man . " She drank her second martini in one . " But , that doesn 't mean I don 't want to find him detective Wolfe , or that I don 't care enough to make sure that he is safe and well . " " Let me know what you discover . I shall wait to go to the police until you have advised me . Good evening . " She did not look backward as she left . Sydney finished his drink and watched her go . Sydney went home to eat dinner and drink . Around 1030 he went out again to a posh bar up - town to drink some more . He found Tyler Grey sitting in a corner with some people and sat down nearby to ignore him . He drank fast with his head down and wished that he could smoke . After twenty minutes Tyler came over , he looked excited . " Yeah sure . How you figure we 're so chummy all of a sudden ? " He hoped he didn 't look smug . They got their drinks and Grey slipped onto the stool beside him . " Yeah , I found out last night after talkin to you . Got back to the party and everyone was talking about it . Common Syd , you wouldn 't hold out on your old friend . " He grinned . His face made Sydney want to punch it . " Well , actually I 've been doing some detecting of my own since then , spoke with Jenny Brooks over drinks at the after party . She knew all about it . You know her ? " The kid was smug and Sydney wanted to hit him even more . Instead he shrugged . Jenny Brooks was the city 's society gossip and busy body . Sydney didn 't know her personally , but he knew of her . He figured she probably did know all about everything , although she seemed to have sense enough not to tell all that she knew . " Not that you would have condoned it if he had , right ? Cuz ' you 're all on the up an up , right ? " Grey just laughed . He was enjoying himself . His friends called over to him from the corner . " That 's right Wolfey , strictly legit . Well anyway , what do you think is going on ? What were all those questions about the other night , you think maybe he was embezzling after all ? . . . Yeah ! Just a minute . " He called back to the corner . Grey eyed him suspiciously but was tight enough not to care too much . He shrugged , then smiled , and winked , and gave him the old punch on the arm ; Sydney ground his teeth . The kid stumbled back to his table to make up a story full of intrigue . Sydney finished his drink , got up , and left . He had returned Chris 's car after his meet with Mrs Daniels so he hailed a cab to take him to The Can . It was a little after midnight and he knew Ginger would be there playing cards . He had the cab drop him a block away so that he could approach on foot ; he needed the air and exercise to clear his head . Halfway there he heard two gunshots and the wheels of a car screech . A moment later an old grey sedan flew past him with two men in it . One was the young thug from the night before . Sally Turner was slumped against the side of the bar . A cigarette still burned between the fingers of her hand . Her face was relaxed and stared into a patch of snow that had withstood the rain . She had on a red dress and heels , and her lips were a different shade then they had been that morning . They no longer pouted . They would never again pout , or sneer , or smile . Sydney looked at her and his look was hard and cold . There were two holes in the fabric of her dress , and a dark stain had begun to paint the ground . A few people had come outside ; they stood at a distance and looked at the detective . He sighed heavily and walked past her into the bar . The cops came and took her away . He knew the two guys who went around asking questions from back in the day . They didn 't get any helpful answers ; this wasn 't the crowd for that . It made them aggressive , and that made their ' witnesses ' even less cooperative . Sydney sat at the bar drinking . He decided to punch them if they asked him anything , which would get him arrested and probably beat up . It would be worth it . He drank some more . Either the cops didn 't think anything he had to say would be worth hearing , or else they didn 't want to deal with the paper - work . They ignored him , finished asking questions and finally left . Feeling belligerent and reckless Sydney ordered another drink and went into the back room to speak with Ginger , no body tried to stop him . " Pursuing leads in the case as I find em . " He answered , eating casually . The well dressed men and women in the room looked at his shabby clothes and dirty hair with contempt and disdain . He didn 't mind . " Sam darling , it 's so good to see you . Is Herald here ? We were supposed to have drinks the other day but he never showed . I hope he 's not ill . " Mrs Daniels smiled and edged closer to the Mayor , away from the man at her side . But before she could answer , Sydney spoke , " What day was that ? If you don 't mind my asking , that you were supposed to meet with Councilman Daniels ? " " No one , just a friend of Mrs Daniels . " Sydney smiled at the uncomfortable woman , nodded to the Mayor , and moved away . In a far corner he found the man he had been looking for . Tyler Grey was an accountant for the city . He had worked for the municipality for over ten years and had lined his and his friend 's pockets for all ten of those . His records were always on the up and up , and the majority of his business was legitimate . But if a politician wanted to launder money , he was the man to grease the wheels . Sydney found him wearing a well cut suit and schmoozing with a cocktail waitress in the corner . " Nice to see you again Grey . Buy you a drink ? " Wolfe stepped forward nudging a shoulder between the man and the girl , and slipping a $ 50 with his other hand into the man 's pocket . The man looked unpleasantly at the detective , but then nodded and shrugged apologetically at the girl . " Sure , we had lunch . What about it ? " Grey eyed the detective warily . Sydney took out another $ 50 and slid it across to the man . The man took the money and sipped at his drink . " Daniels was gonna be coming into some money , wanted to know what I thought he should do with it . I told him . Simple as that . " " Wife 's charity , I figured she would . . . know how to run something like that . " His slight chuckle was irritating , " I told him if she didn 't like it , I 'd take care of it through one of my own projects , so long as he cut me in , he said alright , and we left it at that . Haven 't heard from him since though . What 's this all about ? " " Nothing . Let me know if you hear from him though , okay ? . " He handed him a card . " By the way , when was this pay - day supposed to be coming in ? " " Next week sometime . . . I 'll tell you what though , you see him you tell him to call me . " He winked obnoxiously again and went back to join the party , leaving Sydney with the bill . Sydney called a cab to take him back to his apartment on North . On the way he had the driver pass by the girl 's place on Charles . A light was on and he could see Sally in the kitchen talking on the phone , she looked upset . Chris Corrigan was a retired cop who lived in the neighbourhood , about a block away from the girl , Sydney sometimes went there to smoke his cigarettes and play cards . He went there now instead of going home . Chris was there , old and grey and probably dying slowly like most retired cops did . He was wearing his housecoat and watching t . v . He told Sydney to " bugger off " , he didn 't want to play cards . His house smelled of soup . Sydney didn 't care , he took the keys to an old civic that were hanging on the wall and told the man he 'd be back before morning . The old cop didn 't respond . The lights were still on when the detective pulled up , parking the car across the street , but the girl was no longer in the kitchen . Sydney waited , smoking . After a while she came back into the room , this time followed by a young thug who looked familiar . Sydney recognized him as one of Ginger 's boys . The two were arguing and every now and then Sally would get heated enough to try and strike him . They went on like this for about twenty minutes before the phone rang . Sydney watched the girl 's face as she answered it . Ten minutes later a cab pulled up in front of the building and honked . The lights in the apartment went off and both the girl and the kid came out , looking as chummy as ever , and got in . Sydney followed the cab to a house in a bad part of the South End . He watched the two get out and hurry inside . He figured the place was one of Ginger 's . After a while he parked in a dark alley off the street and took out his . 38 . He pulled his hat down and walked around the building looking for an open window . A couple of Ginger 's boys stood in the back smoking and cracking wise . Through a side window Sydney could see Ginger and the girl sitting at the kitchen table . The man 's face was calm and no redder than usual ; the girl was flush and angry . She had the papers from the Councilman 's office spread out on the table . Her voice was shrill , and through the window he could hear the girl yelling . " Why are you asking me that ? I don 't know , I keep telling you ! " She was frantic and Wolfe watched the red haired man reach out and pet her hand , speaking low and soothing . He watched fear fill her pretty blue eyes . " I told you everything I know . " He heard her say . " The wife 's hired a private detective . I don 't think she knows either . " The rest of the conversation was lost to posterity as a dog came around the side of the house and began to bark . Sydney slowly moved away into the darkness . He brought the car back to Chris , watched some t . v . and smoked . Then he went home . He poured himself a drink and put on a record , by the time he woke up it was morning . By marguerite This was the title of a photo show a I did at NSCAD years ago . I felt so fed up with the myth of romance and much more connected to the reality of heartbreak . The images I used were of a wind - up toy heart in the refrigerator . It was a visual choice more than a symbolic one really , but the images have remained meaningful to me so far . They are fully in tune with the theme this month . All about the power of vulnerability , dissolving boundaries and exploring the real love . In my relationships with parents , friends , lovers and children , I have experienced the greatest love through heartbreak . I am not talking about the " OMG I got dumped and now have to spend Valentine 's Day ALONE ! " kinda heartbreak . This is the kind where you actually feel your heart . Bloody and beating and tender and gross . Together is not better than alone because they are equally exposed and terrifying . Heartbreak that makes you wonder if you will ever feel anything else , while kind of hoping it will last forever . Let 's take this day , this stupid day of hallmark cards , disgusting candy and ridiculous pesticide soaked imported flowers and kick it to the curb . Make your own tradition of feeling your heart , as the magical and potent organ that it is . Wear it on the outside of your clothes and let the blood drip down into the snow as you walk down the street . Do not be embarrassed by your show of tenderness but instead feel the dignity and power of true love . A broken heart . By marguerite This is a great talk . I love the concept cause I love to share . Well this is not completely and always true … but a lot of the time I like to share . My house , my food , my books , my thoughts , my children . I like to share other peoples cars , food , children power tools … I felt so inspired by the very idea that this sort of thing is happening in such a huge way . On a personal level sharing helps me to break out of my self indulgent patterns . If I begin thinking of how I can use the things I have to help others , I become less territorial about the things I own . I am less eager to accumulate more things , and begin to see needing help as an opportunity to reach out . I don 't see " needing help " as a deficiency , or some kind of poverty , but as the simple reality that all people are not all things , we don 't own all the things ( or we shouldn 't have to ! ) , we live together and we are interdependent . Things become a way to connect with others , and to learn to ask for help , even if that is as simple as " Can I borrow one of your purses for my trip to Toronto ? " ( true story ) . I am realizing , more and more , that asking for help is as generous as offering help . How can we share our needs and offerings in order to uncover our own vulnerability and the wealth of our community ? Share your ideas with me . I would love to hear what you know of that is happening in this vast field of sharing , collaboration and community .

Copyright © 2013 by Grant Bentley . All Rights Reserved . If any nice person , nasty person , place , event , happening , thing , or sport , seems familiar , it is purely coincidental . It was supposed to be spring , but it was snowing as hard as I think I 've ever seen it snow . It was almost total whiteout conditions . If it wasn 't for the fact that Morrison was just a few miles ahead , I think I would have pulled over and tried waiting it out . Suddenly , I realized someone was walking down the side of the road , but not before I 'd already passed him . If I missed hitting him by more than six inches , I 'd be surprised . I immediately slowed to a stop . Well , as quickly as I dared , considering the road conditions . I honked the horn several times in case he couldn 't see me . It took him about three minutes to reach my Jeep , shake off as much snow as he could and get in . As soon as he got in , he pulled his hood back and said , " Thanks . " When I got a good look at him , I realized I had just picked up a kid about twelve or thirteen years old . " What the hell are you doing out in this weather ? " I asked him , " You trying to freeze to death or get killed ? It 's minus twenty out there , never mind I could barely see you and damn near hit you . " Our conversation ended there as I decided the sooner we got to Morrison the better , as the conditions weren 't getting any better . Fifteen minutes later the lights of the Morrison Motel came into view . I sighed a big sigh of relief and pulled up in front . I told my young passenger to wait in the Jeep and not to go anywhere . I don 't really think he needed to be told since he was starting to get wet as the snow he was covered in had started to melt . He had been shivering quite vigorously for the last few minutes . I lucked out and they still had one double room available . I waved him over as I came out of the office , and we both made a run for the room . Once in the room , I told him to get out of his wet clothes and to have a warm shower . He undressed slowly and as he did , he kept an eye on me . Once he was down to his boxers , he went into the bathroom and a few seconds later I heard the shower come on . While he was in the shower , I hung his clothes wherever I could so they would dry . " Look … ' Jimmy , ' he filled in for me … Jimmy , I don 't want anything from you . I just want to help you . " I finally replied . " Yeah , for real , " I replied , " You 're safe with me … I swear . So just relax . " Although he seemed to believe me , the look of mistrust in his eyes didn 't diminish by much . When I got back , he was laying under the covers this time . I handed him a Coke , a burger and packet of fries and actually got a little smile from him . I took my coat off and sat back on the other bed to enjoy my own Coke , burger and fries . Once I finished , I went to the bathroom , came out , undressed and crawled into my bed . He watched my every move until I crawled into the other bed , then he got up , scampered to the bathroom , came back out and almost dove under the covers of his bed . I turned on the TV and then threw him the remote and told him to find us something good to watch . He flipped through the channels and stopped at The Big Bang Theory . He glanced at me to see if I approved of his choice . When I smiled , he smiled and we both made ourselves comfortable to watch the show . About halfway through I noticed he had fallen asleep . I got up , took the remote , shut off the TV and lights , and within minutes , I too was fast asleep . When I woke up then next morning , he was still sleeping . I did my morning rituals , then checked his clothes to make sure they were dry . They were , even his parka was dry . I just lay back on my bed and relaxed as I waited for him to wake up . I thought he needed all the sleep he could get and I didn 't want to go over to the restaurant in case he fled while I was gone . When he did wake up about a half hour later , he scrambled out of bed and made a dash to the bathroom . A few minutes later he was racing around the room grabbing different items of clothing and getting dressed . As soon as he was dressed , I suggested we go for breakfast . I didn 't know about him , but I was starving and really needed a coffee . When we got to the restaurant and looked over the breakfast menu , he whispered to me that he only had three dollars so would they give him a half order of pancakes . I just laughed and told him not to worry . Breakfast was on me and he could order whatever he wanted . He tried to argue that it wasn 't fair for me to pay for him as I already fed him the night before , but he lost the argument . Once the waitress had taken our order , I had to ask the obvious question , " Why were you walking down the side of the highway fifty miles from nowhere in a full scale blizzard ? " " Don 't be , " he responded a little coldly , " She wasn 't much of a mother . She died of a drug overdose . " " She was still your mom and she loved you , " I said . " I didn 't think so , " he responded . Just then our food arrived . He dove right in and , not surprisingly , our conversation was over for the time being . However , my mind was going a mile a minute . I was pretty sure I had an underage runaway on my hands . The snow had let up a bit , but it was still too dangerous to drive . I was thankful for that , because it meant we would be staying here , and that would give me time to sort things out with respect to Jimmy and why he was really out here . To me , his story just didn 't add up . If he was in fact going to his dad 's , I would have assumed that his dad would have at least paid for a bus ticket . As soon as we finished eating we returned to our room . I handed him the remote and left him to watch TV while I moved into the bathroom and called in to my commanding officer , Captain Harrison . I asked if there was a report of a missing boy about twelve or thirteen years old named Jimmy . It took him about thirty seconds to confirm my suspicions . A James West had disappeared from Jamison Boys ' Home in Westchester during the previous night and , considering the weather , they were frantic about locating him . His description fit my Jimmy perfectly . His mother had died of a heroin overdose two weeks ago . He had been placed in the boys ' home a day later . According the Captain , it had not been a good fit , and he had faced a great deal of bullying . He was going to be transferred to another group home next week . The captain was more than pleased when I told him Jimmy was with me and was safe and sound . He said he would let the authorities in Westchester know and once we made it back to Riverdale , we could make arrangements to get him back to Westchester . I explained I was stranded in Morrison for the foreseeable future and there was no way anyone from Westchester should be driving through the mountains in this weather . He agreed and said not to worry . Westchester would know Jimmy was in good hands and he was sure there would be no rush to get him back there . I replied that I was sure that , as long as they knew he was safe and in the company of a police officer , they shouldn 't be too concerned . I also reminded him that I had the week off and had planned on stopping at my sister 's for the week . I mentioned it might be good for Jimmy to spend some time with my nephews . See some friendly faces for a change . He didn 't see that as being a problem . He said , " If they want him badly enough , they can drive out to your sister 's and get him . But I don 't see that happening , Jeff . " " I agree , " I said , " They know me well enough to know he 's in safe hands . I 'll see you on the 15th then . Bye . " " Actually Jimmy , I 'm Jeff Wilson . I 'm a policeman with the Riverdale Police , and yes , I phoned my Captain to find out about you , " I replied . " Oh , " was all he said . It wasn 't hard to tell he stopped paying attention to the TV show he was watching . My first thought was that he was plotting his escape . That is until I saw the tears . I sat down beside him and put my arm around him to comfort him and , in an instant , he was almost on my lap with his arms wrapped tightly around me sobbing his heart out . I just hugged him close and kept telling him it would be all right . It was absolutely heartbreaking and I think I may have shed a tear or two myself . Once again I was taken aback and again I didn 't really have a response so I just hugged him a little tighter and felt his arms tighten around me as he pulled himself in as close as he could get . Nothing more was said for the next several minutes . Finally he quietly asked , " When do I have to go back ? " " Well , we 're not going anywhere until the weather clears and the Captain said you can stay with me until we get to Riverdale . I 'm going to visit my sister and her boys for a week . So you can come with me and relax for the week or , if you prefer , I can get one of the guys from Riverdale to pick you up and take you to Westchester once the roads are clear . " We spent two more days in Morrison before the highway and the avalanche danger zones were cleared enough to allow travel again . During that time I learned a lot about young Jimmy . Despite the fact that he looked like a twelve - year - old , it turned out that he was fourteen . He was in grade eight in school , when he was in school . His mom had been a drug addict for as long as he could remember . She had prostituted herself to pay for her addiction . When he told me she had also prostituted him , starting when he was twelve , I didn 't want to believe him . But after thinking about his ' offer ' that first night , I was pretty sure he was telling the truth . I was also having a hard time imagining the life he had been forced to endure . As I thought about it , my first instinct was to care for him and protect him . Our conversations weren 't always depressing and we got into a number of interesting topics . His favourite hobby was building model cars and his favourite car of all time was the 1963 Corvette split window coupe . He said that when he grew up he was going to save all his money in order to buy one . As we talked , it became obvious that he was a very bright kid and once he began to trust me , his keen sense of humour became increasingly apparent as well . Throughout our early conversations it also became apparent that his one and only wish was to find his dad , which cleared up the question as to why his dad hadn 't bought him a bus ticket . He may have been going to his dad 's but apparently he had to find him first . That I thought would be better done through our office or Westchester 's not his wandering aimlessly across the country . Throughout our frequent and sometimes disturbing discussions , in the short time we were together , the two of us became surprisingly close . Close enough that , on the evening of our third day , he hit me with another unexpected truth . He came out to me . I made sure I was very supportive . I told him I had no problem with him being gay and he should be proud of who he was . I told him there w " Thanks for believing in me and trusting me , " I replied and got another hug . When we finally hit the highway again , it still took three hours to get through the mountain pass , into the valley , and back onto dry pavement . Another two hours and we were pulling into my sister 's driveway in Parkerville . Almost before I had stopped the Jeep , my nephews , Brice and Kevin , had the door open and were pulling me into a hug and then going for my suitcase . It was then that they noticed Jimmy was with me . As soon as they did , they were introducing themselves and shaking hands with him . A few minutes later we were sitting at the kitchen table in front of a huge batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies . Kevin poured himself and me a cup of freshly brewed coffee while Brice poured Jimmy and himself a big glass of milk each . Sure enough , Sarah pulled into the driveway about five minutes later . The boys , including Jimmy , ran out to help her carry in the groceries . As soon as she got into the kitchen I got a big hug and kiss on the cheek followed by the obvious question , " Who 's your little buddy ? " Before I had a chance to say anything , the boys came in and Kevin introduced Jimmy to Sarah . I got another questioning look from her , so I told her that I would fill her in later when the boys were off doing something else . As soon as they brought in the last bags of groceries , they sat back down at the table with me . Sarah poured herself a coffee and joined us as we explained our harrowing trip over Morrison Pass and forced motel stopover . We didn 't mention our close encounter on the highway though . When we had finished our coffee or milk and most of the cookies , Sarah and the boys got up to put the groceries away . Once again , Jimmy was right in there helping . He did have to ask where a few things went , but he fit right in and his smile was a mile wide . After the groceries were put away , the boys decided to go downstairs and watch a movie . Once they had their popcorn and had disappeared for a few minutes , I began to fill Sarah in on our meeting and what I knew about Jimmy 's life before , during , and after his time in Jamison Boys ' Home . Several times I took a break just to give Sarah a chance to recover . As I told her his story , her mood went from near tears to outright anger , to almost rage , and back to near tears several times . When I was finally finished , she said , " My God that poor little guy . I can 't imagine the horrors he 's had to face . No child should ever have to live through that . I 'm amazed he didn 't run away long ago . " " I know , " I responded , " I don 't know how he did it . There 's no doubt he 's a very strong willed and determined kid . As angry as he seems with her , I 'm sure he cared for her and did his best to look out for her the only way he knew how . I think too that holding on to the hope he would eventually find his dad kept him going . " Suddenly three boys came charging up the stairs . Brice headed for the pantry and came out with three big bags of chips , Kevin headed for the fridge and grabbed a big jug of juice , and Jimmy headed for the cupboard and grabbed three lar " You better not be planning on staying up all night , " Sarah warned . After the boys disappeared , Sarah and I chatted and got caught up on the last few months since we had seen each other . Both boys were doing well in school . Kevin was in his sophomore year and Brice was a freshman . She had been given a promotion and raise at work and was now in charge of her department . That meant a few more hours a day at work and the odd trip to head office . Thankfully the boys were old enough and got along well , so there were no worries about leaving them for a couple of days . It was almost midnight before we went to bed . Sarah peeked down the stairs and the boys were still wide awake watching some horror show . It was almost noon before we heard any motion downstairs . The first to appear was Kevin . He wasn 't moving very fast as he came into the kitchen and poured himself a coffee . It was another fifteen minutes before we saw Brice and Jimmy make their way into the kitchen . They managed to find some cereal and milk and poured themselves a glass of milk and bowl of cereal . Kevin decided to pour himself a bowl of cereal as well . By the time they had finished eating , they were beginning to wake up a little . Once fully awake , they decided we should go to the indoor pool after lunch and spend the afternoon swimming and leaping off the high diving board . Jimmy didn 't look quite as enthusiastic as the other boys , but when Sarah told him he could wear a pair of Brice 's swimming trunks , he was seemed more than willing to go along . Within minutes , the other two were right there with us showing him how to float , how to kick his feet , and how to move his arms . For the first while , I kept my hands under his tummy to hold him up . Within an hour though he was floating and moving through the water along side the boys . His technique was more dog paddle than crawl though . Once the boys got him swimming the width of the pool , they decided it was time to hit the diving board . Jimmy didn 't look at all confident about jumping into the deep end though . I promised him I 'd be right there to help if he got into trouble . Brice and Kevin did a couple of pretty fancy dives to start off . Then Kevin showed Jimmy how to do a simple straight forward dive . He slowly made his way to the end of the diving board and looked down into the water . When he saw Sarah and I treading water just off each side of the diving board , he leaned forward , stretched out his arms , and basically dropped into the pool head first . Within ten seconds , he resurfaced , looked at me , grinned , and started to paddle towards the ladder . As soon as he was out of the pool , all four of us congratulated him on a good dive , getting an ear - to - ear grin . They spent the next half hour jumping and diving into the pool and Jimmy was loving every minute of it . He made sure I was watching him and every once in a while would make his way over to me to ask how I thought he was doing . Of course I told him he was doing great . Then the time came to jump off the high diving platform . Jimmy climbed up there once , looked over the edge , and decided there was no way he was jumping off that into the pool . Brice and Kevin were good with him and told him it took them a long time to get up the nerve to jump . That left Jimmy feeling quite satisfied that he was not being wimpy about it . Instead , he and I worked on his swimming technique while Sarah did some end to end swimming . After about three and a half hours , it was time to head to Sarah 's for dinner . Well first we headed for the pizza shop and then to Sarah 's . When we were deciding what kind of pizza we wanted , I suggested meat - lovers . Jimmy immediately piped up that that was his favourite and we should get at least one of them . As it turns out , that 's what everyone wanted , so we ended up with four large meat - lovers pizzas , three large Pepsis , two boxes of cinnamon bits , and five apple turnovers . Enough to feed an army I thought but I was wrong . It was barely enough to feed two adults and three boys . That evening , we all decided to watch a movie . Since Kevin and Brice ~ ~ ~ <<>> ~ ~ ~ Morning came much too soon , as did the boys request to go to the go - cart track . I responded that maybe after four or five cups of coffee I might be ready for go - carts . Kevin immediately went over to the cupboard , grabbed five cups . He filled each one with coffee and then sat across the table from me with his arms crossed and a big grin on his face . " Smart ass , " I said laughing , " If I drink all those now we won 't be going anywhere . I 'll be peeing all afternoon . " " Works for me , " he said , " Thanks Uncle Jeff . " Then he poured three of the five cups back into the pot and he and I drank the other two . I asked him how school was going and he replied that it was going well . He wasn 't on the honour roll but he was close with a 78 % average . I congratulated him and our conversation quickly changed to volleyball , lacrosse , and soccer . The volleyball team had come in second in their division . He was captain of the lacrosse team and , at the moment , they were in first place . Soccer was still a month away but he figured they had a pretty good team lined up . The other two boys made their way upstairs at that point and began fixing themselves breakfast . Kevin mentioned an assignment he had due for Tuesday after the break and headed to his room to work on it . As soon as we were finished lunch and the boys had helped clean up , we were on our way to the go - cart track . I was surprised when Sarah decided to come with us . Also , surprisingly , when we arrived , we were the only ones there . We talked to the attendant , paid our admission and looked over the carts for what we figured was the best one . I noticed that after I picked mine which happened to be red , Jimmy looked around until he saw another red one and that would be his cart for the afternoon . I don 't think I had been on a go - cart for fifteen years and I had forgotten how much fun they were . The boys , of course , were having a blast and Jimmy was obviously thrilled . His grin couldn 't have been bigger . When we decided to quit for the day , I couldn 't believe we had been chasing each other around the track for two and a half hours . No wonder my butt hurt . We stopped at Dairy Queen for some ice cream on the way home . Once again , Jimmy waited to see what I ordered and ordered the same . I didn 't give it much thought though . I just figured he was trying to be an adult in his choices like me . " You haven 't been watching very closely then , " she said , " He looks for your approval constantly and he watches your every move . " " Yeah I guess , " I replied . She looked at me for several seconds before asking , " You did notice where he ended up while watching the movie the other night didn 't you . " " Maybe , " she said , " I find it hard to believe there would have been no contact for fourteen years . I think you need to consider the fact that he 's bonded with you whether you recognize it or not and you need to be prepared to deal with that . " As we sat there , I ran the last few days through my head and it became obvious that after the first day in the motel , he never spoke of finding his dad . Then there was the day at the pool when I helped him learn to swim or at least manage in the water , cuddling up during the movie , picking the red go - cart , and the same ice cream flavour , plus several other things he did where he focused on me . I began to wonder if she was right and if she was , what would it do to him if I turned him over to Westchester ? Would he feel rejected and devastated ? I knew if he had really attached himself to me , there was little doubt he would be . How would that affect his life ? Being prostituted by the one woman who should have loved and protected him and then being rejected by the one man he had come to trust and count on could all but destroy him . On the other hand , like I said , maybe we were simply reading too much into his actions . " And I haven 't just been watching him , " she added , " I 've been watching you too , and it seems pretty obvious that you 've become attached to him as well , haven 't you . " " Yeah , actually I have , " I replied with a little sigh . " Do you feel you can take on a teenager ? " she asked . I got up , and between the two of us , we had dinner ready in the promised half hour , and in exactly half an hour the boys were back in the kitchen acting like they hadn 't eaten for a week . Jimmy pulled his chair over beside mine and sat down at the table . Kevin and Brice sat across from us and Sarah sat at one end . As soon as the food got passed around , there was dead silence as the boys dug in . One could easily believe they hadn 't been fed for a week . Once dinner was done , the boys cleared the table , washed the dishes , even the pots and pans . There were no leftovers to worry about so Sarah and I sat back with a coffee each and watched the boys work . Jimmy was right in there again as if he had lived here for years . As soon as they had everything cleaned up , they once again disappeared into the basement . Sarah and I just looked at each other until she burst out laughing . " You ready to have your butt whipped at Crib … Dad ? " she asked as she reached for the Cribbage board and deck of cards . I needed to think about something other than Jimmy , so I took her up on her challenge . We played several games , all of which I lost , before we gave up and decided to watch some TV . As the evening progressed , one or the other of the boys would appear every so often , for chips , or juice , or popcorn , or cookies , or whatever . After about ten o ' clock , we didn 't see them anymore . Either they had found a good movie or they had fallen asleep . By about eleven I was starting to fall asleep in my chair so I said goodnight to Sarah and made my way to bed . However tired as I was though , I don 't think I slept for more than two or three hours all night . I ran every possible scenario over and over in my head a hundred times . I was thinking about adopting a fourteen year old boy who had been raised by a drug addict and prostituted to who knows who . What kind of baggage was this boy going to bring with him ? Was he going to need counselling ? Was he going to fit in with the kids at Riverdale High ? Was he going to be bullied because of his small size ? What would happen if the other kids found out he was gay , or just decided he was gay because he was small ? Questions on top of questions on top of questions crossed my mind . I don 't know what time I finally fell asleep , but even though I slept until 10 : 00 , I certainly didn 't feel rested . When I finally made my way down to the kitchen for a desperately needed cup of coffee , the boys were just finishing up their breakfasts . Jimmy gave me a great big smile and an equally big ' good morning ' as I sat down next to him . I returned his a smile and good morning , as I did for the other two boys . Sarah poured me a nice big mug of coffee and sat down to finish her breakfast . I poured myself a bowl of cereal and after the boys disappeared the two of us sat quietly eating . It wasn 't long before they decided to go to the park and shoot some hoops . They grabbed a basketball from the utility room and they were gone . After they left , I picked up the phone and dialled our office . When Larry answered , I asked to speak to Captain Harrison . Once I got him on the phone , I asked him if he knew the procedures for becoming a foster parent and / or adoption . At first , he thought I was joking , but once I convinced him I wasn 't , besides laughing and remarking about Jimmy getting to me , he said he would contact Mary Olfort , a social worker we knew , and get the ball rolling , as he put it . I thanked him and , as I hung up the phone , I got a big hug from Sarah . As I sat down at the table to finish my coffee , I had to wonder if I knew what I was about to get myself into . I leaned back and stared at the ceiling for a minute or two before looking across the table at Sarah 's big smile , and just from that smile , I somehow knew things were going to work out fine . Plus , I had been watching Jimmy over the last few days and I don 't think I 've seen a happier kid in my life . He fit right in and was enjoying every minute we were there . Not to mention , he appreciated every kind gesture sent his way . It made me wonder what he must have endured when simply sitting on the deck drinking a glass of juice or even doing dishes after dinner brought a smile to his face . Captain Harrison phoned me two days later and told me that Mary had contacted Westchester social services . They had discovered no mention of a father or father 's name in any of their records , including his birth certificate . Their only concern was that I was a single male looking at fostering or adopting a gay boy . However , since they knew I was a well respected police officer of over ten years , and the Westchester police as well as Captain Harrison vouched for my character and reputation , they decided it wouldn 't be an issue . In fact , Mary already had all the paperwork together from Westchester and Riverdale . Knowing the right people proved to He looked at me tearfully and said quietly , " I don 't have a dad . "

Things have been hectic around here since our son , Samuel was born . Avery got an important contract and had to get back into driving the freight wagon to deliver the freight for his new client . Mr . Bernstein has been building hotels and stores across the country . William and Lola are still here , so William is running the freight office until Avery is back . It was a good thing they were still here , because it gave us this opportunity to make more money . I was sitting here today having my raspberry leaf tea , watching Benjamin throw a ball for Peanut , when Lola came in . She has become more comfortable here , but at times is as jumpy as a cat . Today , she looked scared , " Rachel , I think he has found me ! " " No , I know their sound . It was human steps . I went back to the barn and got the gun from the barn . When I went back he was gone . " I didn 't say anything back , but I was thinking of what we could do if he did show up . From what I understood , he could handle a gun a lot better than Lola or me . Just because William had beaten him one time , did not mean he was a weak man . William just got him in a weak moment , when he was beating Lola . I went to the drawer in my table and took out my pistol . I checked that it was loaded . Lola raised her eyebrows , " No , don 't go . " " I can use this as good as any man . Father taught all of us girls to shoot . And I mean REALLY shoot . If he is out there , I can protect myself . " I checked the whole area around the apple orchard and didn 't find anything . What is that ? I saw something . There were some footprints ! A man with boots . So someone had been here , but there was no way to know if it was her husband for sure . It probably was though . Who else would be snooping around ? I 'll tell William when he gets home from the freight office . Avery isn 't expected for another week . On my way past the barn , I checked the horses . Then locked the back entrance , just in case . Don 't want to walk in here and have someone hiding on me . At least out front , I 'd see him or Peanut would . I couldn 't wait for William to get home . For now , I will keep an eye out . Photo Credit : George Eastman House It has been two months since our second son , Samuel was born . He is a lot more demanding than Benjamin was and is . Benjamin is God 's gift to me for a first child . He is sweet and loving and does what he is told . Even as an infant he was easy to care for . It is gardening season and I am out in the garden much of the time . When Lola offers to care for Samuel , I can take Benjamin out with me . He follows along with Peanut and me and helps in his own way . Twice I have seen Ruth since she came here after Samuel was born , to tell me about a man looking for Lola . She said that man has been back twice to see if a woman had shown up . He told Mr . McCleary that the woman he was looking for might come to a hotel looking for work . Now it makes me wonder why he thinks she would go to a hotel to find a job . Even though we have become closer to William and Lola since the night they told us their real story . Lola still isn 't that open to us . She talks about what is going around right now , with the children , with the animals , the garden , food . Not a word about her past or about William and her . " Rich ? " I paused , I realized Avery was thrilled about this contract and I should be too . But what did it mean ? Did it mean that Avery had to go back to driving the freight wagons again because we only have three drivers ? If so , it would be difficult for me to accept it on the basis of making us rich . I feel as if I am rich already . " Well Rachel ? What do you think ? " He grabbed a hold of me and lifted me off my feet and swirled me around . I couldn 't help but laugh as he was in such a mood . " I 'll be able to finish this house for you and you can decorate it however you want . " " Woman , you need a house to suit you . You are a very beautiful woman and you need a beautiful house . And we will fill it with more young ' uns . " I had to laugh in spite of myself . I got caught up in Avery 's mood . In my mind , I was already rich being married to man I loved with my whole heart . To have my two sons who are healthy and happy . My life is certainly turning out to be blessed with good fortune . My second child , Samuel Martin Longworth , came into the world crying and screaming . He gave me a fright . Avery was scared that I would not survive , but Lola assisted Amanda and seemed to know exactly what to do to help . Amanda was praying while Lola handled it and saved both my life and our son 's . I will always be indebted to her . I didn 't remember any of it . Probably because I passed out . Not that I can 't stand the pain , I am not a sissy by any means . This was not in my hands . God decided I needed to sleep through it and put me to sleep so my baby could come into the world . He is not an unusual baby of any sort . Not too big or too small . Just has a set of lungs on him . When he cries , I know it . Matter of fact , everybody knows it . Ruth drove her buggy out to see me this morning . She seemed a little nervous , until Lola had brought us tea up in my room . I was still recovering from childbirth and Lola was taking care of me . She would not let me do a thing and for awhile I let her run things . Lola actually was doing a fine job . Caring for Benjamin and doing my chores . I 'll be back at them before long . Laying around in bed is not something I could do for very long . " He told him there were no women guests in the hotel . That there hadn 't been any in quite some time . Said the guests were usually business men . " " Sounds like her husband . Thank you for telling me this . Don 't mention it in front of her . I will tell Avery and he can tell William . You are the only one who knows their story . So far , our families just think we are helping them out . Which we are . " I started having labor pains in the early morning hours . Avery went to get Amanda Stewart . She delivered Benjamin and now would be delivering our second child . I kept praying everything would go well with this baby just like it did when Benjamin was born . I have been very careful with everything I did so as not to cause any problems with the baby . Lola came in carrying a cup of tea , " Drink this , it will settle you down . " I took it from her and noted that she seemed more relaxed and friendly around me now . Ever since her and William told us the truth about their situation . William had moved his things into the bedroom across the hall from her room . He didn 't have to sleep on the floor anymore . The pains were coming more regular now . I knew Amanda would be here soon and she 'd take over . I had sent a message to her yesterday with a passerby telling her I 'd be needing her in the next couple of days . I could just tell . Not that I am that experienced having had only one baby so far . I knew this one was going to be here soon . I heard footsteps , but knew they were not Lola 's , they were Avery 's . He came in and said , " How are doing ? Pains coming faster ? " I could see the worry in his face I reached my hand out to him , " Hey Mr . Longworth , we are having our second child here today . What do you think ? Will it be another son ? Or our first daughter ? " He bent his head , " Lord , Rachel and I are having our second child today . Please make it a safe and easy birth . Lord , you helped me find Rachel to be my wife and mother to my children . I am very happy with that choice . Please keep her well , and our new baby too . It doesn 't matter to me if it is a son or a daughter . Just as long as it is healthy , and the birth is easy for my wife . Please Lord , I could not bear my life if anything happens to Rachel . In Jesus 's name I ask it . Amen . " As he bent his head , I saw a tear in his eye . " Avery , I will be fine . My mother had all of her children with nothing ever going wrong . God is with me and our child . " " Go see if Amanda is here yet . If she is tell her to come right up . If Lola hasn 't already heated water , tell her to do so now . " He left the room as I had another stabbing labor pain . I made myself be quiet and not cry out . This baby is going to be a easy birth like Benjamin was and will be healthy too . I know it will be so . After I came in from the barn , I set the table for supper while Lola brought the dishes to the table . I didn 't say a word as Avery and William walked in . I noticed that Avery seemed comfortable again with William and wondered what had transpired between the two of them . I didn 't have long to wait . As we all sat down to the table , William cleared his throat and looked at Lola very seriously and spoke , " It seems that Rachel here has been harboring some ill feelings toward me . Lola , I hope you will allow me to share our story with Rachel and Avery . After all we are guests in their home , and , I abhor the thought of being thought of as a wife abuser . " " Avery , I told you our story in the quick version . I was afraid of what you would do to me out in the barn . This is our story and it is God 's honest truth , or may He strike me dead . " " I told you I came from New York City . I worked lots of different jobs through the years and never settled any one place . Been so many places I doubt I could name them all . Then I got a job down in southern Pennsylvania on a big tobacco farm . Real fancy place , so I figured I may as well see if they need help . I worked there for over ten years . Clint Addison was the owner and still is . " He paused and looked at Lola , who had tears in her eyes . " One day Clint tells me he is going on a trip and will be back in a couple of weeks . He wanted me to oversee the whole operation . He paid me very well for it . When he came back , he brought a wife , " he motioned toward Lola , " Lola here . " " At first things were just like usual . Except that Clint was married . He showed Lola off . Bought her all kinds of fancy duds . Let her fix the house up to her liking . No amount of money was sparred . Then it started . Clint wanted a son . He started blaming Lola for not giving him a child . I 'd hear her screaming at night . I 'd hear him beating her . I 'd put on my clothes and head for the house . The door was locked . I finally got up the nerve to yell up to him , he opened the window and told me to go on back to bed . Said he 'd handle this . She was his wife . " " Oh Lola , " I turned toward her , she had put her head down and covered her face . I got up and went to her , put my arms around her , " Lola , it wasn 't your fault . You poor thing . It wasn 't your fault . How awful for you . " " This went on and on . Sometimes Clint would leave and be gone for a week or so . Those were the best times . I 'd bring wildflowers to Lola and she 'd smile . Finally she started talking to me . But never said a word about Clint or their situation . If I tried to mention it , she 'd change the subject . " " The last time about nine months before we came here , I heard Clint beating her and heard her screaming . I could not stand it another second . I got up and went to the house and broke the door in . I went right upstairs and pounded on the bedroom door . Clint yelled for me to go away and mind my own business . I broke that door down and went right in . He had Lola down on the bed and was beating her with his belt . I . . . . . " Finally , Lola spoke , " William came into the room and grabbed Clint and Clint laughed at him and said , " oh boy , city boy , what do you think you are going to do me ? I am so scared . " As he said that , William punched him so hard in the face , blood went everywhere . I think he broke his nose . Then William beat him over and over until I threw myself in between them before he killed him . William grabbed me and picked me up and carried me out of there . " " Possibly . He is not one to let things go . So we have been laying low . I made it look like we went out west . In that area , he is well thought of and respected . No telling what he has said . " Avery looked at me and then said , " Let 's eat . We will figure out what to do about this . I don 't want you to have to live looking over your shoulders the rest of your lives . I don 't want my family in danger if he tracks you here . I have some ideas I will discuss with you later . " It has been tough for me knowing what I saw on Lola 's back . The bruises and scars that had to be inflicted on her by her husband 's wrath . I still cannot believe that of William Saunders . I have kept my distance from him and have tried to keep Lola from being alone with him as much as possible . That has been hard . She goes looking for him if she hasn 't seen him in awhile . I cannot comprehend this . I was sitting on a bench in the barn when Avery rode in . Lola was inside finishing up in the kitchen and I was resting out here not expecting Avery to come riding in at this time of day . He smiled when he saw me , " Hey this what you are doing when I 'm off working all day ! " " We are alone . William was with you I thought . Lola is in the kitchen and I doubt she 'll be coming out here to the barn . " I looked up at him and had to tell him what I knew , " Yes , it has changed . I saw Lola getting out of the bath tub and her body is covered with scars and bruises . She has been beaten ! And not just once , many times . I cannot stand William Saunders anymore . " " No , she tried to cover herself . I felt she didn 't want me to know . So I didn 't say anything . " I felt relieved to have shared this information with Avery . Avery stood there for a few minutes not saying a word . He was taking in all that I had told him . He took Black Knight to his stall and took his saddle off and started brushing him down . He looked back to me with concern in his face then spoke , " Rachel , I have always known men who beat their wives . Many that you would never guess until you saw the black eyes on the women . " Avery looked up , all of a sudden we saw William coming up the road driving the wagon home . Avery motioned me toward the house . " Rachel , I better handle this man to man . " Lola had asked me if I minded if she took a bath this morning . She had cleaned up the kitchen for me while I was out in the barn doing some morning chores . After that she had decided it would be a perfect time for a hot bath , so she got out our copper tub . Avery had bought this particular tub special for me when we first got married . He realized a woman needed a real tub . I loved it and have enjoyed many baths in it since . Lola had brought the water in and was heating it . I never have to help her do anything . In fact , she is the one who helps me the most . I kind of dread the time when the Saunders do move on and out on their own . I figured if she was taking a bath downstairs , I would get the beds stripped as today is the day I wash the bedding and hang it in the sun . It is the perfect day today , sunny . So I stripped Avery 's and my bed and piled the sheets in my basket and moved on to their room . Their room , the guest room is not really finished yet . I had managed to get a bed for it because of my sisters visiting and staying overnight every now and then . Avery had made a small dresser for it . It is plain . Not like what I planned for my guest room . It didn 't seem to be that important . When Jacob was here , he slept in the front room on the little bed that Avery used until we got married . I went into their room to get the sheets and I pulled back the quilt and I could tell that only half of the bed had been slept in . I looked and saw some blankets folded up with a pillow on a chair . Now what is going on here ? They are not sharing their bed ? How strange that is if I am correct ? William appears to really care about Lola and is very attentive to her . I can 't imagine he would not want to share his wife 's bed . Maybe I am wrong . I took the sheets off the bed and put them in my basket . I left the room and went downstairs . I decided to check on Benjamin and saw he was awake and ready to get up . He was hungry and wanting to eat . I took him with me to the kitchen . I knocked lightly on the swinging door before entering since Lola was taking a bath . I was brought up with girls taking baths and didn 't think anything of walking into the kitchen to get Benjamin a bit of food . Lola jumped . She was just getting out of the tub and wasn 't covered up . She tried to cover herself with her hands . She stood there looking fearful , " I 'm sorry " . She turned from me to dry off . I looked at her back and she had scars . Not just one scar but it looked like many scars . All over it and she had some on the backs of her legs . I wanted to say something to her , but she seemed ready to run if I said a word to her . I got the cracker for Benjamin and took a piece of fruit and left the kitchen . I sat holding Benjamin thinking about what I saw . It looks like she has been beaten and not just once . I know what that scarring means on a person . She is a little women . I thought of the size of William Saunders ' hands . I just cannot believe he would do such a thing to her . What about all the Bible reading and praying he does ? I cannot let him stay here if he is beating his poor wife . No wonder Lola isn 't sleeping in the same bed . I wouldn 't either . She is so dependent on him though . Always looks to him before she answers Avery or me . She must be afraid of him , though I didn 't have a sense of that before . When I saw Lola outside emptying the tub , I went into the kitchen . I needed to think of what to do in this case . I know William has not laid a hand on her since they have been here . She is safe here with us . So I will try to keep them here longer though no one has mentioned their leaving . That night I kept a close eye on William and the way he was with Lola . She didn 't appear to be scared of him at all . In fact , she seemed to trust him and even love him . It was hard for me to be pleasant to him though . I saw him look at me several times like he couldn 't understand what has made me mad at him . I told them I was tired and was going to bed early . I came to bed and just lay there hearing Avery 's voice downstairs talking with William . Even Avery likes William , and I did too . It makes me so mad that he has turned out to be a wife beater . I must not be as good a judge of people as I thought .

Ask G . , sometimes I get bored with how I have things . Like I changed the color of my computer windows from blue to silver , I occasionally change the theme of my Thunderbird because I get bored with how it looks , and I change the persona on my Firefox a decent amount . When it comes to this blog , I came up with the name because at the time I couldn 't think of anything better . For the past couple weeks I 've been seriously considering changing the name , but I can 't decide on anything . I 'm having the problem I had when I started it in the first place . It 's the same problem I have when I write stories . Titles are my worst problem . I 'm hoping that some of you are better at it , so I 'm asking for suggestions . I 'll narrow it down from there , and if I still can 't decide , I 'll leave it up to a vote of the masses . Some things to consider when coming up with names : Not that I WON ' T ever include sex in my blog posts , but I haven 't so far , mostly because it 's not happening for me in RL . Most of my fantasies have to do with punishment , which I find hot . I love just playing , and I have a ball when I can do that , but if I can be in a situation where G . is punishing me for something , even if it 's just an attitude adjustment , it reaches a much deeper level for me . I write a mix of fiction and RL posts , which is why I can 't pick something that makes it seem like it 's just a story site . There are too many good ones around for me to compete with ! I 'm going to see if G . has an idea for a name too , not that he has a lot of experience with blogging . Of all people he probably SHOULD have a blog , even if it 's a vanilla one , but I 'm not sure he can stay away from YouTube for that long . Posted by To make it easier to tell who 's saying what , G . 's comments are in bold . I 've tried to fix the formatting , but for some reason it won 't condense anymore than it is ! & nbsp ; - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - As hoped , the trip went great . I packed all of my implements , including the Liquid Cane , which G . hadn 't even seen yet , let alone had a chance to use . I forgot that I 'd also rebuilt the Loopy in the past three years , and since he 'd killed it , he hadn 't had a chance to test the bionic version . Against my better judgement I brought ALL of my paddles , including the dreaded Lexan , which is just plain EVIL . I always wonder what the people at the airport think when it goes through the scanner . I would point out , in my own defense , that the sign telling you which way the arrival terminal and the departure terminal are was sufficiently small that they could have used it for the fine print on a mortgage agreement , by the time I realized I was headed to the departure terminal , it was too late . & nbsp ; I finally got to ride in The Beast after hearing about it for so long . It lives up to its name , that 's for sure . He drives fast , which made my mom a little nervous , and she told me to call her when he got me to the hotel in one piece . LOL While I do drive quickly , I am also very good at not hitting stuff , so her mother need not have worried . But I do love the chance to show off the full throttle acceleration of the Beast ( which is what caused me to give it that nickname ) which is a challenge because it revs so quickly that the if you are not quick on the shifts , it will bounce off the 8 , 000 rpm rev limiter . He brought his laptop , so we hung out there for most of the day . I wanted to show him the Liquid Cane , so it wasn 't too long before I pulled it out of the suitcase , along with the Loopy . Down went my pants , and I got on the bed . He used the Liquid Cane much more than the couple of strokes I 'd received at the party a couple months ago , which made it much more intense . The Loopy is also much more intense when it 's not me using it on myself ! It didn 't last all that long , but it was nice to be able to ease into things after three years and not feel like we had to go all out from the first spanking . & nbsp ; The liquid Cane works quite well but there is an Achilles heel , rebound . I 'm looking to spank someone else 's ass , not my own hand . A leather glove can be used as armor , by way of a work around . The next day it rained ALL day . We went shopping , because SOMEBODY had to get new phones so that they wouldn 't have to keep changing phones every hour and a half while we 're on the phone twice a week , and it wasn 't me . Though it was amusing to hear the exasperated " Batteries " every time I switched handsets . I needed a travel charger for my phone because somehow I had forgotten my normal charger , even though I 'd brought every other charger I owned . LOL We also needed ammo and hearing protection for when we would be going to the shooting range later in the week . The ammo part took some doing , because one of his guns requires obscure ammo . . 303 British , it isn 't a popular sport round but used to be plentiful in military surplus , but NATO standardized on the 7 . 62 round ( which is very similar but not interchangeable ) in decades ago and it has become tougher to find since . Took three stores to get them , and that didn 't count the ones that don 't even exist anymore . I got to see a decent amount of Long Island at least ! Finally , ammo obtained , we got back to the hotel . We weren 't going to dinner until late , so we did online things again . This was also the night he decided he was going to teach me about patience , with many implements . He used the Lexan , the wooden paddle , the rubber ruler and the Loopy . I also noticed him doing something with his computer , which distracted me for a minute at first , but he was rather insistent with the spanking and the lecturing , so my focus was back pretty fast . LOL I started crying pretty fast , what with him going at it really hard with the paddle . I don 't need to go from memory about this spanking . Remember when I said he was doing something with his computer ? Well , we had been talking about doing more audio clips , so Mr . Sneaky RECORDED the spanking on his Garage Band program ! ! I do have it on my iTunes and my iPod now , and damn is that paddle LOUD . Couple of things here . First off , doing the lecture thing , monologue style to garage band when I am not actually in a session doesn 't feel natural . Its not as bad a photography ( see below ) , but it usually requires multiple takes to get something minimally acceptable . Thing number 2 is that when we are on the phone and I am drumming on my thigh or stomach , fidget that I am , just the sound of the impact makes a noticeable impression , so it figures that an actual paddling that she * remembers * happening to her will work even better . After the spanking he went back to the computer , and that 's when I realized what he had done . He emailed it to me right then , so when I got back home a few days later , it was waiting for me . Late that night we went to a diner he goes to every Wednesday . Now I know why he only eats once a day . I couldn 't eat like that more than once a day either ! When you have as much trouble stopping eating as I do , it is not a good idea to start doing so very often . The next day was NYC day . We didn 't go until the afternoon , so we couldn 't do a whole lot . We went on the train and ended up in Penn Station . I was taking pictures already . I got some decent ones right outside Penn Station , including one that G . doesn 't even know I got , which I will tell him about if he asks . To tell the truth , I didn 't even know I 'd managed to get it until I got home and uploaded it from the card onto my computer , so I wasn 't being sneaky about it or anything . You really do need to be slightly sneaky to get pictures of G . , because when he knows you 're taking pictures of him , he tends to freeze up , and then it doesn 't look like him . Well , there goes my budding career as a male model . & nbsp ; ( I laughed LOUD when I read this line , because it was written so deadpan . LOL ) It 's actually the best picture I 've ever taken of him . : ) From Penn Station we went to the Intrepid museum , and he took me on a guided tour of the whole thing , which I have on video . Even with all that walking I was still okay . From there we went to the Empire State Building , but when we got there he said there was something he wanted to do first , so we started walking . He left me where I was and went looking for the direction we needed to go , which he found pretty fast , and came back to get me . We started walking , and I had no idea where we were going . He said he thought we were in the Garment District , which I 'd heard about it . I could tell it was a much older section of the city . Still I had no idea where he was taking me . Then I saw a small sign that said kinematics . I couldn 't believe it ! A friend had told me that it was the one place I had to make sure I went to in the city , and by the time I got to New York I totally forgot about it , and I had never mentioned it to G . , so I was floored . It was such a great surprise ! A while ago I was working in the city and every once in a while , I would walk back to the train instead of using the subway or taking a taxi and on one such walk I discovered Kinematics . There was no way that I was going to show someone like Jen the City for the first time and not have that on the itinerary . I don 't live in a big city , so I 'd never seen so many spanking DVDs in one place in my life . LOL I didn 't get any though , because I couldn 't decide on any . We went downstairs where the toys were , and that 's when the deciding began . We looked at everything , and then we decided on a riding crop . We haven 't had one of those in years . Of course then I had to carry it around the rest of the time we were in the city , so luckily they wrapped it up really well so that nobody would know what it was , because it had to stick out of my purse , as big as THAT is ! We went back to the Empire State Building , which completely destroyed both of us as far as the amount of standing ( G . 's problem ) , and walking and stairs ( my problem ) . I did get video from the observation deck , so that was really cool , but wow , was it windy up there ! We bailed after a little bit . Between the crowd , the amount of walking we 'd done , and a sudden huge gust of wind , we decided we 'd seen enough ! Then we couldn 't find a cab to get us back to Penn Station , so we ended up settling on a pedi - cab . I didn 't care at that point , I just needed to sit down before I fell down . LOL You forgot the part about how , on the way back , our train had a medical emergency on it and we ended up sitting for something like an hour . I have called the LIRR the " worlds largest toy train set " on many occasions and this just provides more evidence . & nbsp ; I knew ahead of time that this was going to be our late night , because we wouldn 't be going to dinner until late , and we 'd be staying there really late . G . has a unique schedule on certain nights ! So when we got back to my hotel room , G . used the riding crop on me , really hard I might add ( But what 's new about that ? I 'm not sure he has another setting , luckily ) . As with a lot of implements , because of how hard he goes at it , we end up needing to repair a lot of them , and the riding crop is no different . Damn flimsy toys ! That 's why I have a Bionic Loopy , because after G . broke it on me in Denver , I had to rebuild it and accidentally used thin co - ax instead of plain rubber . Then he took a nap , and I got to use his laptop . It was one of the few times I was able to check Twitter the whole time I was there . He woke up about a half an hour or so later , and then we went to dinner . He meets up with friends on Thursday nights , and I got to meet them . We got into a big conversation about Detroit and just how bad things are , and these days I 'm able to hold my own in conversations like that . G . remembers the old days at Worldcon where I would just sit by and listen because I wasn 't up to the challenge . Later in the night , one of his friends said that I should move there and they 'd come and get me , so I think they liked me . : ) By the time we left it was REALLY late , after 4 , so he dropped me off at the hotel and went home to sleep . That is actually par for the course for me , BTW , night owl that I am . Friday was a day of firsts . It was the day I would get to see the Atlantic Ocean for the first time . Back in ' 02 when we went to California for Worldcon , I got to see the Pacific , and it was the first time I 'd seen ANY ocean . G . hadn 't realized what a big deal it was until we got there and I actually saw it . So he knew I wanted to be able to see the other ocean , but this time I didn 't wade into it . There 's a difference between seeing the Pacific Ocean at the beginning of September , and see the Atlantic Ocean in mid October ! It was also the day I was going to meet his mother finally . We had talked on the phone a bunch of times , and had even written letters back and forth for a while , but we 'd never met face to face before . G . was down in the basement getting his rifles so that we could go to the shooting range . That left me and his mom alone to talk for a few minutes . I think it went well ! I knew we 'd get along , because it wasn 't like we 'd never talked before . I had been nervous before I went there , realizing I 'd be meeting her though , because I know there 's a difference between talking to somebody on the phone and seeing somebody face to face for the first time . Even if they 've seen a picture of you , pictures can 't give the whole story , and I wondered if she would react to me differently . I didn 't have to worry about it though , so I relaxed right away . So G . and I went to look for the shooting range he used to go to , but he hadn 't been there in so long that it didn 't exist anymore . Back to his house , he went downstairs to check for another place online , and I stayed upstairs with his mom . More time to talk ! Annoyingly not enough time to really find out anything good though . ; ) Finally he found a place and we were off . It was my second time shooting , but I 'd never shot with his rifles before . One of them was easy , but the bolt action one ( I can 't remember the name of that one ) , SMLE for Short , Magazine fed , Lee - Enfield , the Tommies instantly , I imagine , nicknamed it " Smelly " . That was the one that took the . 303 & nbsp ; was a total bitch to control ! It kicks like a mule ! I only shot that one once , it was too hard to handle . Then we went to meet up with other friends of his for dinner . I already know these friends because they go to Worldcons too . We tried to guess how late they 'd be , because his friend has a different concept of time . G . was right on his guess . LOL His one friend is an early adopter of technology and always has gadgets , and he has an iPad , which he let me play with . Have I mentioned I suck at Angry Birds ? I couldn 't get out of the level I tried . We stayed there for four hours talking and playing with the iPad . I was even able to check in for my flight the next day AND pay the baggage fees right there . I totally need an iPad . Apple stuff tends to be like that , just try it out and you want one . When we got back to the hotel , G . asked if there was an implement we hadn 't used that I wanted to play with since it was my last night there . Of course I said the belt . So he spanked me with the belt . It didn 't last as long as I would 've liked , but I was just happy to have it used on me at all after three years ! His shoulder couldn 't handle too much that night , because when he had shot with his bolt action rifle earlier in the day , he had gone through ten shots , and it kicked him in the shoulder hard enough for him to have a decent bruise . Hard kicking round + brass butt plate + thin tee shirt = sore shoulder & nbsp ; I had some decent belt marks though , which is what counts . Sitting that whole week had been tricky , and that just added to it , which I had missed so much and loved feeling again after so long . He didn 't stay after that , because he was going to have to get up early ( there 's normal people early and then there 's G . early . G . early is noon LOL ) . When he dropped me off at the airport the next day , I got my traditional hug , which was nice . Even just being friends , what we do together as far as spanking is concerned is more emotionally intimate than I ever was with my husband when we were married . After twelve years we 're close , even if it 's in a nontraditional way . It was a nice way to end a very nice week . I got very spanked after having waited patiently for three years , which made me very happy . If things work out right , we might even be able to see each other before next Worldcon . I 'm keeping my fingers crossed for that one , because it would mean him coming here . And not mentioning to my mom that we 'd be going to the target range again . She still doesn 't know that we went in October ! She HATES guns , so it just easier not to tell her . She knows about the other stuff , but she feigns ignorance . That 's easier for HER . LOL & nbsp ; Glad the trip was a success , - G The NY post is written , and I sent it to G . a couple days ago , so I 'm waiting for him to send it back with his comments included . Until then , I came up with an idea today . I 've been knee - deep in nonkink book writing for over a month now , but I think it 's sparked my creativity again . That 's good , because I 'd spent so much time not being able to write a damn thing that I 'll take too many ideas over none . I was sitting at work listening to a podcast on my iPod , and they were talking about writing , and it got me thinking . I rarely write poetry anymore , but occasionally something hits me enough to make me need to write . I 've also never written a whole book of themed poetry . I do have ones I could take out of the rest and MAKE a themed book , but what I 'm thinking is a kink related poetry book , that talks about the journey from the earliest thoughts about what we do , to being involved in playing and all the feelings that go along with the different relationships we have while doing it . I 've never written something intentionally like that . My poetry is normally born of strong emotion at the moment . I think a book about my life would be boring , but to put it into poetry form would bring the emotions to the surface and show the journey from earliest spanko thoughts through to the liberation that comes with age and experience . I would probably have to go the self publishing route , or the Amazon Print on Demand way , because I doubt I could get a publisher to go for it . Hell , I don 't even know if anybody would even want to read it ! I wrote the potential first poem this afternoon , and I 'm fairly sure I have enough years of experience in all this to really show the journey . Any thoughts ? Any interest ? I 'm still going to do it , but I am wondering if anybody would want to bother reading it . Posted by I 've been thinking about what I want when it comes to playing when I get to New York to see G . It 's been three years since we 've seen each other , so there 's so much we 'll probably want to do but won 't get to . I know he 'll want to punish me . It 's not that I 've been misbehaving , but he 'll want to set the tone and assert his authority again . I want that too . I hope it happens before we do the fun kind of playing . I want to feel his power again . It 's this amazing force , and I haven 't seen it in so long . I miss it . I want to slam up again it , to know that it 's there no matter what . I want him to spank me until I cry , to release all the stress that 's built up since the last time I saw him , partly because it 's been so long since he 's spanked me . I want to feel relaxed and that everything 's right in the universe again . At some point I want a nice long caning , with the heavy cane . I want to fly , knowing that he 's watching out for me so that I can . I trust him to know when I 've had enough if I 've blissed out ( G . 's term for subspace ! ) so far that I can 't know for myself . He 's good at that , and I feel safe so that I can let go and fly . It 's an amazing feeling , to let him take me where I want and need to go . I 'd love to play a scene , though we 've never really done it before . There are situations we can use from my past that make for good role playing , because in my late teens school and I weren 't best friends . I wasn 't terrible at it , but there were bouts of skipping that I could be punished for , in a teacher / student format or a Daddy / daughter type scene . Either way would work for me . I 'll have to see what G . wants to do as far as that goes , but we 've talked about me being punished for that , so it 's just a matter of figuring out which direction to take it . G . hasn 't used the Liquid Cane yet ( formerly the Evil Whippy Thing ) , and since I know that it 's on my level , I really want to see what he can do with it . His arm never wears out , so I 'm hoping for great things ! I know he wants to try it out , especially after all those times that I told him that he might get to use it sparingly . He 'll want to make sure that I know that he 'll use what he wants , when he wants , as often as he wants . Which is only right . He 's in charge , and when it comes to when and how I get spanked , he makes the decisions . I love that . Posted by Yesterday on the radio , the show I listen to did a story about this : Gawker . The hosts were all for it , saying that anonymity on the internet is bad , because it allows people to say things they wouldn 't say out in public . They said that people should have to get some kind of license to go online to post to blogs and message boards , using their real names , so that you 'd know exactly who said what . All I could think was that it would shut down whole sections of the internet . Spanking on tv has become slightly more mainstream , but so much of society still thinks that what we do is worse than being gay , and we know how they feel about THAT . We go on Twitter and we write our blogs anonymously , for our own protection for the most part . Some of us have careers or spouses or friends and relatives who can 't find out about what we 're into , because it would cause serious problems . We HAVE to have anonymity online so that we can interact with other people like us . We can 't go back to the old days when we had almost no connection to other people who did what we did , putting pricey ads in the backs of free newspapers to find somebody to spank or be spanked by . There was a scene back then , but not like it is now , where we can talk to so many people all over the world who think the way we do , and want the same things . Losing that would be devastating for all of us . I 'm out to some friends , but I keep my Twitter and Facebook personas totally separate for a reason . There are relatives and work friends on Facebook who I don 't want finding out about this , because I 've had some bad experiences with people finding out in the past . One of my uncles is born again , and his only thought filter is his religion . I doubt he 'd take the news well if he found out . I don 't feel like being ostracized by half the people I know and / or love . Also , G . isn 't out at ALL , and if what I do online got out , it would be very easy for his friends to figure out the connection . I would never do that to him , so I would have to stop posting . What they said botheJen Finally got to talk to G . about my plan last night . I had a backup plan in case going there didn 't work for him , meaning I would pay his way here . I 've done it before , so there 's precedent . When I asked him last night though , he said , If you want to come out this way , I 'm fine with it . If we were a couple that would be an odd way to put it , but we 're not , we 're friends with the spanking relationship added in . The fact that he didn 't even hesitate meant a lot . There was no discussing it , " well , if you were to come here , then . . . . " . It was just outright and made me very hyper ! I 'll get a hotel room , because with his living arrangements , it 's the only way we 'll get a chance to play . The hotel I found is less than two miles from where he lives , so it 'll be very easy for him . I just like the fact that we 're finally going to be able to reconnect . As much as I love going to Worldcon , we haven 't seen each other in three years , and we need some time just to get back into the swing of things . With everything there is to do at Worldcon , we don 't have much time to just BE , and playing gets relegated to 3 in the morning most of the time . If it 's just the two of us , we can just hang around doing what we want , and playing happens when we want it to . Most of the time that isn 't until late on the first day , after we 've had time to adjust to being in the same place again after so long . We 've been friends for twelve years , and we 're comfortable with each other to the point of acting like an old married couple , but that first day needs to be relaxed into . I get so hyped before I see him that I would bounce off the walls otherwise . I 'm going to get SO spanked when I 'm there . I will take videos and pics , and I will show off any marks I manage to get . I will convince him to use the heavy cane so that I will have wonderful cane marks , but not sure about bruises . I don 't seem to bruise all that much anymore . So annoying . I love bruises and marks . We 'll probably play hard enough that he 'll manage to bruise me some though . He knows how hardBy the time I leave , sometime in the middle of October , I 'm going to be bouncing off the walls . Can 't wait ! Since I was part of Abel 's conversation about Twitter , I figured I might as well continue it , along with everybody else . Twitter is my connection to my spanking friends . I can 't do that on Facebook , because of relatives and work friends . I 'm pretty much out about what I do , except for those people . My work wouldn 't be affected , but I don 't know what their reaction would be , so I leave that part of my life private . I could never tell the relatives on Facebook about my kink , though some of them are very open about things . I just can 't see myself talking to them about it . The newsgroup has faltered from what it once was , and all the people I knew there are now on Twitter , so I can connect with them on a more immediate basis there . I NEED Twitter for that . To be who I really am , to not have to think about what I say , to not have to hide anything . To be as free as I want with the kink , and to be able to revel in the wonderfully kinky conversations I have on there . I don 't JUST talk about spanking , but it 's the one place I CAN talk about it . I 've gained friends on there beyond the ones I knew from the newsgroup , so my horizons have broadened that way . I don 't tweet from a phone , because I refuse to pay that kind of money for a data plan , but when I get home I go through my timeline and catch up with everything people have been doing during the day . Not everybody I follow is into spanking , but pretty much everybody who follows me is . Until the past few months I didn 't post much . In April , after a whole year on Twitter , I only had 1 , 800 tweets . I 've become so much more involved that I have 4 , 614 tweets as of right now . I tweet every day now , sometimes a lot during a day , especially later in the day when everybody 's home . I talk to people in different countries , all over the world , which for somebody who didn 't get online until they were 34 is still sort of amazing sometimes . It 's difficult to remember what it was like pre - internet , when I didn 't know that there were all these other people who have the same inclinations IJen I 've known for a little while that there 's no way I can come up with the money for Worldcon . I had all these plans to do it , even if it meant borrowing it , but it 's not happening , and it 's better not to go into debt to do it . But it means that I won 't see G . I haven 't seen him in three years , and it 's getting to me . The only thing that makes it okay that I 'm not going to see him is that I have a plan for a couple months from now when I have more money . It will allow me to either bring him here , or for me to go there , depending on what he 's willing to do . Either way it 'll work for me . I 'll get spanked for real and not just from myself , and things will be good again . I haven 't been spanked in so long I 've forgotten what it 's like to be in the same room and under his control . I want that , I need that , and I 'm going to do what I can to make it happen . I have to talk to him about it tonight , so we 'll see how it goes . Posted by The next night was Sunday , which meant I had to go to bed early . I didn 't know how I was going to manage to get to bed so early , when I was used to staying up until one or two in the morning . Going to bed the same day I woke up just wasn 't normally in the cards . I got into bed , expecting to lie there for hours , but surprisingly , I was asleep in half an hour . When the alarm went off in the morning I woke up right away , and didn 't hit the snooze alarm once . I got to work in plenty of time for the first time in ages . The rest of the week went along essentially the same way . I thought I had this thing licked , and that the bedtime would be very temporary . I had hope that I wouldn 't need rules for very long . When I called Kate that Friday , she was very pleased that I was following the rule so well , and called me a good girl . That made me happy , because I wasn 't used to hearing that . It made me want to keep being a good girl and doing what Kate wanted me to do . The next week started well enough , I kept to my bedtime and woke up when I was supposed to . Then on Thursday , some of the women at work asked if I wanted to go with them for a night out . Forgetting what Kate had told me about asking permission , I told them I 'd go . We went to a bar , and the next thing I knew , it was one in the morning . By the time I got home it was closer to two , but I figured that I 'd already broken the rule , a little longer wouldn 't make any difference . When the alarm went off five and a half hours later , I hit the snooze button three times and ended up being late for work . Realizing that I would have to call Kate later that day and confess to what I 'd done , I was nervous all day at work , and easily flustered . By the time I got home I was so frazzled I didn 't know which way was up . I was desperate for an excuse to use as I dialed Kate 's number . It was only the second week and I had already screwed up , big time . I don 't just mess things up a little , when I do it , I do it big , and this was no exception . I knew I was in for it . " Hello Sarah , " Kate said . " It went really well most of the week , " I said , trying to put the best angle on it that I could . " Most of the week , " she asked , in a tone I wasn 't used to . It wasn 't accusatory , but it seemed to drip impending doom . " Yeah , most of the week . Last night was a little bit off . . . . . . . . . " I said , trailing off , not willing to give it all up at once . " What do you mean , a little bit off , " she asked . The tone got more ominous . " Well , some friends at work wanted me to go out with them last night after work , and I got home a little bit late , " I said . " How late , " she asked . " Um . . . . . . . almost two o ' clock , " I said , almost under my breath . I wanted the impact to be as small as possible . " I see , " Kate said . I didn 't like the sound of that tone at all . It told of more than impending doom , it announced the demise of my poor bottom . My heart dropped into my stomach when she said the word disappointed . I hadn 't meant to disappoint her , and now I felt even worse . " I forgot , " I admitted . " Yes , ma ' am , " I said . There was that word again . " See you on Sunday , Sarah , and don 't be late , " Kate said . I felt awful . I hadn 't meant to disobey her , and I had forgotten about asking permission . It hadn 't been on purpose . I 'd never cared about disappointing anybody before , so this was a new situation for me . Was I going to be good from now on just so I wouldn 't disappoint her ? I never wanted to hear that tone in her voice again , I knew that much . I was up early Sunday morning , so nervous I couldn 't eat anything . All I could think about was what was going to happen . I wondered how bad it would be . She had only spanked me with her hand that night at the party , and that had been bad enough , but I had seen what had happened when she used the hairbrush on Julie 's bottom . I couldn 't imagine being on the receiving end of that . I knew I would find out soon enough . Before I could chicken out , I drove to my appointment with doom . I stood at Kate 's door and rang the doorbell right at the stroke of noon . I didn 't dare risk being even one minute late . I was already in enough trouble . When she opened the door there was only a trace of the sternness I had heard on the phone . Even that small amount had an effect in person . I tried not to let my nervousness show . I entered the house , and had to look at her to make sure she was kidding about that last part . At this point I wasn 't sure what she was capable of . Anything to teach me a lesson , I expected . It didn 't take any time for her to get down to business . There was a straight - back chair in the middle of the living room , and a small paddle and a hairbrush were on a table next to the chair . My knees almost buckled at the sight of them . She sat down on the chair , and I stood in front of her . Part of me wanted this spanking , so that she wouldn 't be disappointed in me anymore . As she put me over her knee and pulled my pants and panties down in one swift motion , I knew this was going to be much worse than the one at the party . In my position over her knee , I couldn 't see which of the two implements she picked up , but with the first smack I knew it was the paddle . I squeaked , not expecting it to be so hard right from the start . " This is a punishment spanking , there aren 't any warm - ups before a punishment spanking , " Kate said , " the paddle is for not asking permission and deciding to break the rule , and the hairbrush is for deciding that since you were in trouble already that you might as well stay out later . " The paddle was small , but brutal . The sting built up immediately , and was close to intolerable almost as fast . I kicked and squirmed and tried to get away , but Kate 's grip was much too tight . There was no chance of escape . I was trapped , to be spanked unmercifully for as long as Kate wanted . My bottom was on fire in short order , and I panicked , thinking there was no way I would be able to stand it . I had no idea how long she spanked me , it just seemed to go on forever . Suddenly the sting of the paddle was replaced by the intense burn of the hairbrush . I screamed at the first splat of that evil thing against my bare bottom , but there was no let up . The helpless I had felt at the party overtook me again , and I was crying hard in short order . The helplessness became remorse , and I was genuinely sorry for having disobeyed her . The hairbrush did its work , and I was a very sorry girl . When Kate was satisfied that I had learned my lesson , the spanking ended . I was exhausted , having cried myself out over her knee , so all I could do was lie there in misery . She lifted me off her lap after pulling up my pants , and led me to the couch . She hugged me and rubbed my back . " Of course , dear . You 've been punished , and it 's over now . I know you 'll try your best to be a good girl from now on , " Kate said . " Yes ma ' am , I definitely will , " I assured her . I meant it . I didn 't want another spanking like that ever again . " I 'm glad . I don 't like having to punish you , but I 'll always do it when it 's needed , " Kate said , letting me know that she was serious . We had lunch after that , and when I left we were on very good terms again . From then on I tried to keep to my bedtime , and succeeded most of the time , but there were still spankings for that and other rules that she put in place later on . Kate made all of them count , but none were as memorable as that first day , when I learned that when Kate says to do something , you do it . Posted by I forgot about this story . I wrote it a couple years ago , but never used it for anything . It 's long , so I have to post it in parts . It 's fiction , but it 's written in the first person . From early on I knew that I lacked something . A strong female figure , willing to take charge . Even though outwardly I followed the rules , internally I was missing the guidance , and I craved it . I had always been thrilled by the thought of being spanked , but it never happened , not with my permissive upbringing . My hopes rose when I entered the scene , finding people to spank me , because there were women who spanked other women . I didn 't act on my inclination for a long time , because there always seemed to be something holding me back . The time didn 't seem right , or the women I met weren 't the right type . It seemed I always found an excuse . That was until I met Kate . I first saw her at a party . It was impossible not to notice her , she was sitting in the middle of the room spanking a younger woman . She had the woman over her knee , and she had this maternal air about her , caring but stern . The longing rose up in me again , watching the scene , and I wanted to be the one over her knee , being scolded and spanked . She was saying all the things I had always fantasized that a mother would say to a misbehaving daughter . It sent a shiver through me , and I couldn 't look away . When the scene was over , Kate hugged the woman , whose name I didn 't know , and the younger woman had a very content look on her face , even after what had seemed like a very intense scene . I stood where I was , afraid to move , afraid to approach Kate . She seemed so formidable , and it still seemed like too large a risk , even with my need prodding me to take that risk . It wasn 't that I was afraid that she wouldn 't want to spank me , because obviously she had no problem spanking women . I just didn 't know her very well , and I didn 't know if she wanted to deal with someone who placed so much importance on a mother / daughter scenario . There was so much emotion involved in it for me that I thought it could possibly make her uncomfortable . " Hi Sarah . I saw you watching when I was spanking Julie , " I heard a voice behind me say . I turned , and there was Kate . I had been so deep in thought that I hadn 't noticed her approach me . " Oh yeah , well I think we all were . It was impressive , " I said . I panicked , and couldn 't look her in the eye . Was I that obvious ? I felt as thought I had a huge sign plastered across my body that said , " I need a woman to spank me " in foot tall letters . " I know the look , dear , " Kate said , acknowledging my thoughts . She was much taller than me , and it was like a child looking up into a mother 's face when I met her gaze . Up close I could tell that she was a good two decades older than me , but that only helped fuel my longing . Not just her mouth smiled at me , her eyes seemed to as well . I suddenly felt at ease , and forgot all about my panic . I wanted to tell her everything about my desire to be taken in hand by a strong woman who knew how to deal with a naughty girl , even if that " girl " was in her thirties . It came out as a jumble , and neither of us understood what I was trying to tell her . I did as she said , trying to slow my breathing down enough to talk . Now that I had the chance , I didn 't want to mess it up . " I 've always been into spanking , but my parents raised me very permissively . I 've always wanted a strong woman to take me in hand , to help me fix the things about me that need fixing . I thought there wasn 't much chance of it happening , but when I watched you spanking Julie , I wanted to be in her place . I felt stuck where I was , like I was seeing my own future . I want it to be my future , but I wasn 't sure how to ask you , " I said , getting calmer the longer I talked . " Now that I understood . I think I can help you . If your childhood was as permissive as you think it was , then we have a lot of work to do . It won 't be easy , but it will be worth it in the long run . You have to have self discipline to get ahead in life , and if you didn 't learn it through discipline as a child , there 's no way you 'd have it as an adult , " Kate said , as if this new situation was already arranged . " Tell me what areas of your life you 're having the most problem with , and we 'll work on those first . " I was stunned . I hadn 't expected her to agree so easily . I thought I would have to beg and plead , at least a little . " Well , " I stammered , all nervous again . " I never seem to be able to get anything done on time , so deadlines at work are next to impossible . I can 't seem to keep my spending under control , so all of my credit cards are maxed out most of the time . I eat all wrong , when I remember to eat at all , and I don 't sleep unless I 'm so exhausted that I end falling asleep on my couch almost every night . I 'm a mess . " Kate sat silently for a few minutes . I started thinking that I had scared her , that I was too much to deal with . I already thought of myself as a hopeless case , so it was easy to think she did too . When she finally spoke , it was a surprise . " First things first . We need to get you on a regular sleep schedule . Nothing in your life will go the way it 's supposed to until your mind is clear , and it can 't be when you don 't sleep . That means a strict bedtime until you learn to go to sleep when you should . It may take a while , and I 'm not expecting perfection , but if you break the rule , you will be spanked , " she said firmly . A scared thrill went through my entire body . This was something straight out of my dreams , but it was real . I couldn 't believe she was agreeing , and taking charge so fast . It was more than I could have hoped for . But could I follow rules ? I never had before , at least not with any regularity . I wanted to though , because my life was becoming ridiculously out of control . " Okay , " I said finally . " If you 're willing to help me , I would be stupid to pass up the chance . How do we start ? How will you make sure I 'm following the rules ? " " We start now . From here on out , I 'm in charge , at least as much as you 've put me in charge . I 'll know whether you 're following the rules or not because you 're going to tell me . Once a week , on Fridays , you 'll call me and give me a report on how things have been going . If there are any transgressions , you 'll tell me about them , and we 'll meet on Sunday to deal with them , " Kate said , all business . " You mean I 'm supposed to tell on myself , " I asked . " Exactly , " Kate said , " because you want this , and the part of you that wants this will tell me if you break the rules . It may not make any sense now , but in time it will . If you 're really as serious about turning your life around as you say you are , you 'll do it . " " Which is why you asked me to help . You 've never been held accountable for anything , but that 's about to change , " Kate answered , getting up from the table . " Now I think you should experience a little of what 's in store for you . " I stood up , not knowing what was about to happen . We left the room , and went out into the hallway . We walked a short way to her room , which was down the hall from the room where the party was being held . She took me by the hand , led me to the bed , and sat down on the edge of it . She positioned me in front of her , gave me a questioning look , and I nodded . The next thing I knew , I was across her lap . I had no idea how she 'd managed to do it so easily . I did know that I was staring at the carpet , about to be spanked . She started slowly , flipping up my skirt and spanking my panty covered bottom with her hand . The smacks were deliberate , but not hard . I could tell she was holding back , because I had seen her spanking Julie with much more force . She covered my entire bottom with smacks . Just as the heat built to a stinging feeling , I felt her reach into the waistband of my panties and pull them down . I had a momentary feeling of dread and panic , and tensed up . " Don 't be silly , Sarah , I have to spank your bare bottom . Relax , " Kate said . The panic left me , and with my panties down around my knees , she continued the spanking . I didn 't know if it was the lack of protection or if she was spanking harder , but there was a definite difference in what I was feeling . That mild sting was building in intensity , and her hand felt more like a paddle than a hand . I started squirming , and she tightened her grip around my waist . Suddenly her focus went from spanking all of my bottom to my sit spots and thighs , and with much more force . My squirming turned to struggling , which seemed to make her more determined . Sounds came out of me that I don 't remember having ever made before , and then I noticed the tears . I 'd never cried from any spanking in a scene , and couldn 't believe it was happening now . Soon the tears turned to sobs , at my feelings of helplessness and frustration of not being able to get free . I cried like I had never cried before , but the spanking continued . The crying was tiring me out , and eventually I couldn 't keep up the fight and just slumped in defeat , accepting whatever she gave . She slowed the smacks then , and then stopped completely . The spanking might have been over , but I couldn 't stop crying . I couldn 't see through the tears , the carpet was a blur . I felt her rub my back , and it helped calm me down . She pulled my panties back up , and helped me up , sitting me next to her on the bed . Without thinking , I put my head on her shoulder , and she put her arm around me . I didn 't know what possessed me to do that , I just suddenly felt very connected to her , and she didn 't seem to mind . " Feel better , " she asked . Where did that come from , I wondered . It surprised me , because I hadn 't planned on saying it . I 'd never said that to anyone in my entire life . I didn 't say Sir or Ma ' am , it went against everything I was . I wasn 't raised to say it , and had never seen the need for it , and here I was , saying it unbidden . " I 'm glad , " Kate said . " Good , you 're learning . The 11 : 30 bedtime is only for work nights . What you do on the weekends is up to you , because you don 't have to get up early . When you get to the point where you can wake up with your alarm and not be tired all the time on work days , then we 'll talk about changing it , " Kate said . " I guess , " I said , " it just seems so early . " I followed , and we went back to join the party , but I felt different somehow . Quieter , more settled . I kept watching Kate for the rest of the night , in admiration and respect for her style and her strength . She had impressed me more than I had realized at first . I 'm a bad girl . The problem is that knowing that makes me hot . I know I should want to be a good girl , and I do , but hearing him call me a bad girl and getting spanked for it makes me even hotter . It 's difficult to follow rules and do what I 'm told . I 'm stubborn , which makes learning compliance a problem . Embarrassment is effective , but also a turn - on . It 's all such a balancing act , be good and don 't get spanked except for good girl spankings , or be bad and get punished . Punishment spankings are a deterrent , but again , a turn - on . He urges me to be good , to do what I 'm supposed to , and I want to , but I don 't want to . Being punished is hot , after the spanking is over . He likes it when I 'm a good girl , but he also likes to spank me hard . I know it turns him on when my butt turns red and I 'm fighting against the spanking , to the point of crying . He likes the good girl in me , but punishing me is something he likes too much to want to give up completely . I don 't think either of us could give it up , so even if it 's been months between punishments , we always go back to it . His threats and growls of impending doom for my poor bare bottom give me a shiver of delight and fear . When I feel his hand on my back , pushing me down on the bed for a spanking , that thrill / panic goes through my whole body . I love those moments , before the pain becomes too much , pushing me over the edge into remorse and tears . The remorse lasts longer than the tears , but not long enough . I become submissive for a short time , the good girl he wants , all compliance and willingness to do what I 'm told , but it 's fleeting . Being a bad girl is part of what makes me who I am . I need what comes with that . The helplessness and vulnerability that comes with allowing myself to be punished for being bad give me a surge , heighten my senses . Being a good girl gets me rewards , spankings just because , but those lack the emotion and intensity of being spanked hard until I break . They don 't offer the release I get from being spanked until I cry . I want to be a good girJen Four years ago today an amazing friend of mine died . We 'd known each other for almost 30 years . We started out as teacher and student , but we became friends pretty quickly . I loved her , and I know she loved me too , in a non - judgemental way that 's very rare . I never told her about my kink , but if I had , I know she wouldn 't have treated me any differently . I wrote this story after she died for the SSC , which is why it 's so short . I 'm posting it here because I know she wouldn 't mind . Sarah sat on the couch in a funk she hadn 't been able to shake for weeks . She knew she had to get back to normal , but she couldn 't seem to force herself to stop wallowing in her grief . When Tom sat down next to her , she barely noticed . " Hey , you want to get out of here for a while , " Tom asked . " Huh ? Oh , no , I just want to stay in . I 'm not in the mood to do anything , " Sarah said . " You know that Katie would have a fit if she knew you were shutting yourself away because she 's gone , right ? " Tom asked . Sarah glared at him . " She isn 't gone , she 's dead . There 's a difference . We were friends for 28 years , I 'm allowed to miss her . " " Of course you are , but you can 't stop living too . You need a good hard spanking to get you out of this mood , " Tom said . " That 's just so wrong , I can 't even tell you how wrong it is ! " Sarah sprang up from the couch ready to bolt from the room , but Tom caught her by the arm and pulled her back down on the couch . " Why is it wrong ? You know it would help to get rid of all of the tension that 's been building up in you , " Tom said calmly . " It 's wrong because I want it , but I shouldn 't . It 's too soon to want anything that would feel good . I feel guilty even thinking about it , " Sarah said . Tom took both of her hands in his , turning her so that she faced him . " It 's part of the process , wanting to feel good again . Don 't feel guilty , just let me help you . " Sarah didn 't resist as Tom pulled her across him to lie across his lap , but she tensed up as she felt him reach to pull down her pants and panties . It felt like too much too soon , and she struggled momentarily , making it difficult for him to bare her bottom . Even so , it didn 't take long for him to manage it . The first slap of hand on bare skin shocked her . She 'd felt only emotional pain for weeks , and hadn 't allowed physical pain to replace it . Now she had no choice . Slap after slap , the pain and heat built up , pushing her closer to the edge . All of her anger , heartbreak , and sadness came right up to the surface , taunting her , making her fight against TJen I was going through the archives of the SSC ( Short Story Contest ) from the newsgroup . They don 't have my earliest stories there , but I was going through my 2001 stories and found two that showed how different my thinking was from when I was younger compared to what it was once I got online and found myself , kink - wise . They 're bookend stories as it were , so I decided I 'd post them here . I can 't believe that was ten years ago already ! She was too young to understand what was done to her , too young to process the pain she felt . He took advantage of her innocence to make her believe she was bad , that nobody would love her , or want her , ever . She was too young to know any different , so she believed . She was punished for his own faults , his own demons . Her small childish missteps were blown out of proportion , handled with rage and violence . She never understood why , all she knew was that she was bad . She had to be if she got spanked and then ignored , never forgiven , never told she was a good girl again . If that was what getting spanked really was . It wasn 't like she saw in the movies or on tv , it was so much worse . She was the perpetual bad girl , even though she wasn 't sure what she 'd done . Whatever it was , it had to have been very bad to make him hate her the way he did . She refused to accept authority after a while , any authority . She only followed the rules out of fear , or because she thought it would make him like her , but it didn 't . Nothing got better , only worse . She was always wrong , always bad . She couldn 't get away from that feeling , even at such a young age . She was only a little girl , she should have been happy , not always sure that everyone knew that she was bad . She was broken before she even had a chance to know who she was or what she wanted . Her soul damaged so deeply and so early that she had no choice in what she became . So sad , so lonely , thinking that he was right , that she 'd be alone always , no friends , no love . Part of her remained five years old , holding on to the only thing she 'd ever really learned , ever knew for sure , that she was a bad girl , that there was no hope of anything else . She became what he wanted her to be . Once upon a time , I was foolish enough to believe that men were evil . It was what I grew up with , too early learned . It was imprinted on my soul like an unwanted tattoo . Paternal rage , unpredictable hurricanes of torment , ruled my life . Rules were momentary or oppressive , consequences brutal or nonexistent . The belt on bare skin was the chosen form of consequence too often . No forgiveness afterward , just pain . Not erotic , only something to block out if possible , even when I knew that spanking , in a normal sense , made my body tingle . The idea that men were bad , not to be trusted , remained even in adulthood . It would take so much to prove otherwise . Challengers were very few and far between , and those proved rather than disproved . Marriage solidified the concept . Being single seemed preferable at times . Then it came to pass that spanking became a real part of life , not just fantasy or something not to be remembered . It was finally something to be reveled in , celebrated . Along with spanking came friends , some male . To trust was essential in this new life , for without it there was nothing . But would the belief be eradicated or vindicated . I wanted to trust , and in the beginning most likely did so too willingly . Even in the new territory of my sexual liberation , hopes were dashed , twice in quick succession . I pushed on though , not willing to give up so easily when so much was at stake . I needed this new way of life , needed a spanked ass and the emotional release that could come with that . There came a day when I realized that my beliefs were no longer valid . A well - chosen group of male friends had come along , one at a time , showing me each in their own way that men weren 't what I had always thought . One in particular showed me what authority was supposed to be , consistent , safe . I trusted and relaxed finally , no longer having to wonder when the trust would be smashed . I knew that it would always be there . No promises had ever been made that weren 't kept . Spankings , real , non - brutal spankings , were given for misbehavior , along with something I 'd never had before . Forgiveness , the knowledge that I wasn 't the miserable creature I had once been led to believe I was , that I was worthy of that forgiveness , and I could never do something that would make me unworthy . It healed something deep inside , allowing me to own this thing in me , this need to be spanked , whether for punishment or sex . It was mine , and the brutality of the past couldn 't take that away from me . Once upon a time , I was foolish enough to believe that men were evil . I 'm glad I was wrong . It 's been a long time since I 've posted about any RL playing that I 've done , mostly because it 's been so long between times . I finally got to a party last night , but not one of the ones I used to post about . This was a fetish party , so there was a really good mix of people of all kink persuasions . I 'd never been to a party where there were lots of different kinds of play . I 've been playing in the scene since ' 99 , but this was my first experience with watching people who didn 't all have my exact kink , and it was really cool . There was a LOT of cross - over , so I didn 't feel out of place at all . I went with a friend from high school who I recently reconnected with , mostly because of the first spanking movie I ever bought from Shadow Lane . The guy in the movie had the same name and same basic features of this guy I remembered from high school , and ever since then I 'd wanted to find him again to see if it was him in the movie . Well , long story short , I found him on the alumni site for our high school , and I emailed him . I mentioned that movie , but not what it was about , and his answer made me think that he wouldn 't be freaked out by a spanking movie . I sent him the link so he 'd know why I thought the guy looked like him , he agreed , and said that he wouldn 't have minded being that guy ! We talked on the phone after that , and he mentioned this fetish party that he wanted to take his girlfriend to and said that if I wanted to go to let him know . I jumped at the chance , because except for last September when I got to play with Greg in Boston , I hadn 't played in two years and I desperately needed the chance . I met up with them at the bar where the party was , and I knew right away that I 'd get a chance to play , because on the dance floor there were a couple spanking benches , and a couple St . Andrew 's crosses . There was a leather dealer right inside the door , and I finally bought my first flogger ! I 'd always wanted one , but they 're usually too expensive . This one is green suede and not very long , so when Greg uses it on me he Jen Last night G . and I discussed the math thing . We haven 't come up with a plan yet , but at least it 's out there . The best part of it is , he 's back in charge , at least of my spankings . Family things had taken his mind away from what we used to do , and we had adapted at the time . I guess we got used to it , not even talking about spanking much , if at all , except as a joke . I realize now that this was what had been missing . I liked him telling me what was going to happen as far as when I could get up from the mat , or how much I would get spanked . With my months long hiatus from even being able to spank myself due to my own living situation , we had gone on to other things , filling our time with online things that didn 't involve spanking at all . Last night I felt settled for the first time in so long , and today was when I realized what was different . He made me spank myself with my new toy on the phone , bedroom door closed . We don 't normally risk that because I live with family , but the air conditioner and the tv were on in the living room , and it blocked any sound coming from my room . Luckily the new toy ( I 'm considering calling it " The Evil Whippy Thing " LOL ) isn 't loud like all my other toys . After getting spanked with that for a while , I had to get out the mat and sit on it while we talked . It was so nice to feel that he was taking back the reins finally . I 've been a grown up and in charge of everything for over a year now , and I missed being able to just let him take over . It was funny how we fell into our old roles again so easily . After twelve years I guess it 's like riding a bike , you don 't forget how to do it . We did all of our other normal stuff , just like every other night , but there was that extra little part , me sitting on the mat and him deciding that if I asked if I could get off that he would make me sit on it longer that made me happy . Everything was right with the world again . Posted by After thinking about that audio clip that I avoided for two years , and knowing what he was trying to do with it , I 've been feeling slightly guilty . It makes me feel like I deserve the spankings I 've been getting , even though I have to do them myself . Sunday I was able to have a decently long session , over half an hour , and I used many implements . My bottom hurt for the rest of the day , and when I got to do a few minutes with the new toy yesterday , I could tell that my bottom was still sore from Sunday . There are still some sore spots on my bottom , which reminds me that I 've been punished for something I feel guilty about . I haven 't talked to him about it yet , that won 't come until tomorrow , but having been spanked makes me feel a little bit better about things . Hopefully he 'll make me sit on the mat tomorrow night on the phone , like he did for an hour on Sunday night . Back about seven years ago , I felt so guilty about something that I kept pushing him to ratchet up the punishments he was already giving me for something else . That 's when we found out that embarrassment works so well on me in punishment situations . I felt I deserved to have people see my very spanked bare bottom , and even though it didn 't happen , just the idea that it could , and that it was all part of my punishment , helped my guilt , even though it took a good part of that summer . Being punished by him in person ALWAYS gets rid of any guilt I feel , but the long distance punishments take a while to work . My guilt isn 't all that bad this time , so I 'm pretty sure a few more spankings and some more mat time should do the trick . Talking to him tomorrow will also help . It always does . He 'll just consider the extra spankings to be a bonus . Earlier today I finally got a free zip program . There was an audio clip that G . had sent me along with the others a couple years ago that I had ignored because it wasn 't about spanking or anything . It was about math , which I hate , mostly because I can 't do it . I was good with math until 3rd grade when we had to memorize the multiplication tables . It didn 't totally do me in , but it slowed me down . I did much better with fractions and things like that . By 5th grade we were into subjects that were getting me farther and farther into a hole , and being emotionally crippled didn 't help my self esteem in this area . By 8th grade I pretty much stopped paying attention and looked out the window daydreaming instead . I barely passed Fundamentals of Algebra in 9th grade , and my second semester teacher told me that I got all the steps down for the problems , but my math was no good . So of course I got a Top who 's a math brainiac . LOL It wasn 't planned , but he 's been adamant over the years about my learning the higher math that I 've been avoiding for the past 30 + years . I think because of my past stubbornness , and the fact that we live so far apart , he had given up on the idea , because we haven 't really talked about it in a long time . The audio clip brought it all back though , and I wrote him an email telling him that I 'm willing to try again . He sounded so angry in the clip , and I 've only heard him like that a couple other times in the whole twelve years that I 've known him . It wasn 't what he said that told me , it was his tone . He can be very authoritative in what he says , and I know he means business , but when he 's truly angry it 's the only time he can make me cry without it being from a spanking . I know I 've been stubborn about avoiding math , mostly because it 's just so much work for me to learn it . I 'm not stupid , not by a long shot , but my past attempts have made me reticent to try again . I don 't do well with failure , being something of a control freak , but if that 's what he really wants , I 'm going to give it another try . He 's much more stubborn than I am , so we 'll see how long it takes before I bend and really give it my all . I 've been thinking since my last post . Different things get different people going , whether you 're a spanko or not . One thing that I didn 't know until about seven years ago , is that the idea that somebody might see my bare bottom after a spanking gets me going on a serious level . Whether it 's somebody who isn 't into spanking , or somebody into spanking but just happens upon the situation , it 's all hot for me . If it 's a set up situation , where the people are already there , I would have to be receiving a punishment spanking to have the same reaction . Being punished gets me into a completely different mindset , where I feel very vulnerable and much more helpless . It 's the only time that embarrassment works on me . I 've been spanked in front of a lot of people at parties , and I don 't even think twice . I 've never been punished at a party though , at least not in the public room . I 've had lots of fantasies about being spanked in public , as punishment , or having somebody look through a window to see my bare bottom after I 've been spanked , which is what prompted the last post . I just wonder how many other people have this as part of their kink . Some people freak out at the thought that somebody might see them in that kind of situation . I know that others have it as part of their fantasies , but does it become a turn on if the situation actually comes up in real life ? Even if it doesn 't quite happen , but goes right to the brink , is that enough to give the person a thrill ? If a situation gets very close to my being discovered like that , I panic , but then after things calm down again , it gives me that thrill . The closer it gets , the bigger the thrill . I 'm sure if something really happened where somebody saw me who would react badly about it , I wouldn 't get the same physical reaction . It 's the thought of somebody who is intrigued by seeing something like that actually happening upon me having just been spanked and visible through a window or something , THAT drives my fantasies . It 's not just that though . Being made to tell someboJen Once upon a time , not so long ago , there was a very naughty girl . She was so naughty that she had to get her bare bottom spanked every Saturday morning for months . Her Top did not live near her , so he said that she would have to spank herself in his place . Every Saturday she would wake up and have to get a switch from a tree outside her window , and then carry it in back into her apartment building so that people would be able to see it . She had to whip herself with the switch until her bare bottom was very sore and it had red welts all over it . She also had to use the big evil hairbrush on her bare bottom , and the belt . She had to spank herself for as long as she was alone in the apartment , because she lived with other people and couldn 't always carry out her punishment spankings . Because she lived in a basement apartment , her Top decided that instead of corner time , she would have to bend over her kitchen table , with the windows and blinds open , very red bare bottom facing the window . Her only saving grace was that the window was higher on the wall than a normal window , so if somebody walked by they might NOT be able to see inside . She was always so embarrassed when she had to stay there , bending over on display . When she heard people walking by the window she would freeze and hope that they weren 't looking at her very red , very sore bare bottom . One day she knew she was going to be alone all day , so the spankings would last for a long time . She would have to use all the implements over and over , and she knew that sitting down in the days to come would be very painful . She dutifully spanked and spanked , first with the switch , then with the hairbrush , then the paddle that had been made especially for her , then the belt . She bent over the kitchen table hoping not to be seen , and then started the spankings all over again . She had just spanked herself very hard with the hairbrush in the living room , and was kneeling on the couch bending over a pillow on the arm of the couch , her red bare bottom facing the living rooJen Wow , I haven 't blogged in a long while . The reason is mainly there has been nothing to write about for too long . Our lives have been a huge ball of stres . . . EDIT - I am reposting this after almost 4 years . This is a really lovely post for two reasons . # 1 . I forgot all the details of this weekend . # 2 . I am now an . . . And so , all good things come to an end . Every other day , rain or shine , for nearly nine years : personally writing some 1 , 900 posts in the process . Queuing . . .

Ask G . , sometimes I get bored with how I have things . Like I changed the color of my computer windows from blue to silver , I occasionally change the theme of my Thunderbird because I get bored with how it looks , and I change the persona on my Firefox a decent amount . When it comes to this blog , I came up with the name because at the time I couldn 't think of anything better . For the past couple weeks I 've been seriously considering changing the name , but I can 't decide on anything . I 'm having the problem I had when I started it in the first place . It 's the same problem I have when I write stories . Titles are my worst problem . I 'm hoping that some of you are better at it , so I 'm asking for suggestions . I 'll narrow it down from there , and if I still can 't decide , I 'll leave it up to a vote of the masses . Some things to consider when coming up with names : Not that I WON ' T ever include sex in my blog posts , but I haven 't so far , mostly because it 's not happening for me in RL . Most of my fantasies have to do with punishment , which I find hot . I love just playing , and I have a ball when I can do that , but if I can be in a situation where G . is punishing me for something , even if it 's just an attitude adjustment , it reaches a much deeper level for me . I write a mix of fiction and RL posts , which is why I can 't pick something that makes it seem like it 's just a story site . There are too many good ones around for me to compete with ! I 'm going to see if G . has an idea for a name too , not that he has a lot of experience with blogging . Of all people he probably SHOULD have a blog , even if it 's a vanilla one , but I 'm not sure he can stay away from YouTube for that long . Posted by To make it easier to tell who 's saying what , G . 's comments are in bold . I 've tried to fix the formatting , but for some reason it won 't condense anymore than it is ! & nbsp ; - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - As hoped , the trip went great . I packed all of my implements , including the Liquid Cane , which G . hadn 't even seen yet , let alone had a chance to use . I forgot that I 'd also rebuilt the Loopy in the past three years , and since he 'd killed it , he hadn 't had a chance to test the bionic version . Against my better judgement I brought ALL of my paddles , including the dreaded Lexan , which is just plain EVIL . I always wonder what the people at the airport think when it goes through the scanner . I would point out , in my own defense , that the sign telling you which way the arrival terminal and the departure terminal are was sufficiently small that they could have used it for the fine print on a mortgage agreement , by the time I realized I was headed to the departure terminal , it was too late . & nbsp ; I finally got to ride in The Beast after hearing about it for so long . It lives up to its name , that 's for sure . He drives fast , which made my mom a little nervous , and she told me to call her when he got me to the hotel in one piece . LOL While I do drive quickly , I am also very good at not hitting stuff , so her mother need not have worried . But I do love the chance to show off the full throttle acceleration of the Beast ( which is what caused me to give it that nickname ) which is a challenge because it revs so quickly that the if you are not quick on the shifts , it will bounce off the 8 , 000 rpm rev limiter . He brought his laptop , so we hung out there for most of the day . I wanted to show him the Liquid Cane , so it wasn 't too long before I pulled it out of the suitcase , along with the Loopy . Down went my pants , and I got on the bed . He used the Liquid Cane much more than the couple of strokes I 'd received at the party a couple months ago , which made it much more intense . The Loopy is also much more intense when it 's not me using it on myself ! It didn 't last all that long , but it was nice to be able to ease into things after three years and not feel like we had to go all out from the first spanking . & nbsp ; The liquid Cane works quite well but there is an Achilles heel , rebound . I 'm looking to spank someone else 's ass , not my own hand . A leather glove can be used as armor , by way of a work around . The next day it rained ALL day . We went shopping , because SOMEBODY had to get new phones so that they wouldn 't have to keep changing phones every hour and a half while we 're on the phone twice a week , and it wasn 't me . Though it was amusing to hear the exasperated " Batteries " every time I switched handsets . I needed a travel charger for my phone because somehow I had forgotten my normal charger , even though I 'd brought every other charger I owned . LOL We also needed ammo and hearing protection for when we would be going to the shooting range later in the week . The ammo part took some doing , because one of his guns requires obscure ammo . . 303 British , it isn 't a popular sport round but used to be plentiful in military surplus , but NATO standardized on the 7 . 62 round ( which is very similar but not interchangeable ) in decades ago and it has become tougher to find since . Took three stores to get them , and that didn 't count the ones that don 't even exist anymore . I got to see a decent amount of Long Island at least ! Finally , ammo obtained , we got back to the hotel . We weren 't going to dinner until late , so we did online things again . This was also the night he decided he was going to teach me about patience , with many implements . He used the Lexan , the wooden paddle , the rubber ruler and the Loopy . I also noticed him doing something with his computer , which distracted me for a minute at first , but he was rather insistent with the spanking and the lecturing , so my focus was back pretty fast . LOL I started crying pretty fast , what with him going at it really hard with the paddle . I don 't need to go from memory about this spanking . Remember when I said he was doing something with his computer ? Well , we had been talking about doing more audio clips , so Mr . Sneaky RECORDED the spanking on his Garage Band program ! ! I do have it on my iTunes and my iPod now , and damn is that paddle LOUD . Couple of things here . First off , doing the lecture thing , monologue style to garage band when I am not actually in a session doesn 't feel natural . Its not as bad a photography ( see below ) , but it usually requires multiple takes to get something minimally acceptable . Thing number 2 is that when we are on the phone and I am drumming on my thigh or stomach , fidget that I am , just the sound of the impact makes a noticeable impression , so it figures that an actual paddling that she * remembers * happening to her will work even better . After the spanking he went back to the computer , and that 's when I realized what he had done . He emailed it to me right then , so when I got back home a few days later , it was waiting for me . Late that night we went to a diner he goes to every Wednesday . Now I know why he only eats once a day . I couldn 't eat like that more than once a day either ! When you have as much trouble stopping eating as I do , it is not a good idea to start doing so very often . The next day was NYC day . We didn 't go until the afternoon , so we couldn 't do a whole lot . We went on the train and ended up in Penn Station . I was taking pictures already . I got some decent ones right outside Penn Station , including one that G . doesn 't even know I got , which I will tell him about if he asks . To tell the truth , I didn 't even know I 'd managed to get it until I got home and uploaded it from the card onto my computer , so I wasn 't being sneaky about it or anything . You really do need to be slightly sneaky to get pictures of G . , because when he knows you 're taking pictures of him , he tends to freeze up , and then it doesn 't look like him . Well , there goes my budding career as a male model . & nbsp ; ( I laughed LOUD when I read this line , because it was written so deadpan . LOL ) It 's actually the best picture I 've ever taken of him . : ) From Penn Station we went to the Intrepid museum , and he took me on a guided tour of the whole thing , which I have on video . Even with all that walking I was still okay . From there we went to the Empire State Building , but when we got there he said there was something he wanted to do first , so we started walking . He left me where I was and went looking for the direction we needed to go , which he found pretty fast , and came back to get me . We started walking , and I had no idea where we were going . He said he thought we were in the Garment District , which I 'd heard about it . I could tell it was a much older section of the city . Still I had no idea where he was taking me . Then I saw a small sign that said kinematics . I couldn 't believe it ! A friend had told me that it was the one place I had to make sure I went to in the city , and by the time I got to New York I totally forgot about it , and I had never mentioned it to G . , so I was floored . It was such a great surprise ! A while ago I was working in the city and every once in a while , I would walk back to the train instead of using the subway or taking a taxi and on one such walk I discovered Kinematics . There was no way that I was going to show someone like Jen the City for the first time and not have that on the itinerary . I don 't live in a big city , so I 'd never seen so many spanking DVDs in one place in my life . LOL I didn 't get any though , because I couldn 't decide on any . We went downstairs where the toys were , and that 's when the deciding began . We looked at everything , and then we decided on a riding crop . We haven 't had one of those in years . Of course then I had to carry it around the rest of the time we were in the city , so luckily they wrapped it up really well so that nobody would know what it was , because it had to stick out of my purse , as big as THAT is ! We went back to the Empire State Building , which completely destroyed both of us as far as the amount of standing ( G . 's problem ) , and walking and stairs ( my problem ) . I did get video from the observation deck , so that was really cool , but wow , was it windy up there ! We bailed after a little bit . Between the crowd , the amount of walking we 'd done , and a sudden huge gust of wind , we decided we 'd seen enough ! Then we couldn 't find a cab to get us back to Penn Station , so we ended up settling on a pedi - cab . I didn 't care at that point , I just needed to sit down before I fell down . LOL You forgot the part about how , on the way back , our train had a medical emergency on it and we ended up sitting for something like an hour . I have called the LIRR the " worlds largest toy train set " on many occasions and this just provides more evidence . & nbsp ; I knew ahead of time that this was going to be our late night , because we wouldn 't be going to dinner until late , and we 'd be staying there really late . G . has a unique schedule on certain nights ! So when we got back to my hotel room , G . used the riding crop on me , really hard I might add ( But what 's new about that ? I 'm not sure he has another setting , luckily ) . As with a lot of implements , because of how hard he goes at it , we end up needing to repair a lot of them , and the riding crop is no different . Damn flimsy toys ! That 's why I have a Bionic Loopy , because after G . broke it on me in Denver , I had to rebuild it and accidentally used thin co - ax instead of plain rubber . Then he took a nap , and I got to use his laptop . It was one of the few times I was able to check Twitter the whole time I was there . He woke up about a half an hour or so later , and then we went to dinner . He meets up with friends on Thursday nights , and I got to meet them . We got into a big conversation about Detroit and just how bad things are , and these days I 'm able to hold my own in conversations like that . G . remembers the old days at Worldcon where I would just sit by and listen because I wasn 't up to the challenge . Later in the night , one of his friends said that I should move there and they 'd come and get me , so I think they liked me . : ) By the time we left it was REALLY late , after 4 , so he dropped me off at the hotel and went home to sleep . That is actually par for the course for me , BTW , night owl that I am . Friday was a day of firsts . It was the day I would get to see the Atlantic Ocean for the first time . Back in ' 02 when we went to California for Worldcon , I got to see the Pacific , and it was the first time I 'd seen ANY ocean . G . hadn 't realized what a big deal it was until we got there and I actually saw it . So he knew I wanted to be able to see the other ocean , but this time I didn 't wade into it . There 's a difference between seeing the Pacific Ocean at the beginning of September , and see the Atlantic Ocean in mid October ! It was also the day I was going to meet his mother finally . We had talked on the phone a bunch of times , and had even written letters back and forth for a while , but we 'd never met face to face before . G . was down in the basement getting his rifles so that we could go to the shooting range . That left me and his mom alone to talk for a few minutes . I think it went well ! I knew we 'd get along , because it wasn 't like we 'd never talked before . I had been nervous before I went there , realizing I 'd be meeting her though , because I know there 's a difference between talking to somebody on the phone and seeing somebody face to face for the first time . Even if they 've seen a picture of you , pictures can 't give the whole story , and I wondered if she would react to me differently . I didn 't have to worry about it though , so I relaxed right away . So G . and I went to look for the shooting range he used to go to , but he hadn 't been there in so long that it didn 't exist anymore . Back to his house , he went downstairs to check for another place online , and I stayed upstairs with his mom . More time to talk ! Annoyingly not enough time to really find out anything good though . ; ) Finally he found a place and we were off . It was my second time shooting , but I 'd never shot with his rifles before . One of them was easy , but the bolt action one ( I can 't remember the name of that one ) , SMLE for Short , Magazine fed , Lee - Enfield , the Tommies instantly , I imagine , nicknamed it " Smelly " . That was the one that took the . 303 & nbsp ; was a total bitch to control ! It kicks like a mule ! I only shot that one once , it was too hard to handle . Then we went to meet up with other friends of his for dinner . I already know these friends because they go to Worldcons too . We tried to guess how late they 'd be , because his friend has a different concept of time . G . was right on his guess . LOL His one friend is an early adopter of technology and always has gadgets , and he has an iPad , which he let me play with . Have I mentioned I suck at Angry Birds ? I couldn 't get out of the level I tried . We stayed there for four hours talking and playing with the iPad . I was even able to check in for my flight the next day AND pay the baggage fees right there . I totally need an iPad . Apple stuff tends to be like that , just try it out and you want one . When we got back to the hotel , G . asked if there was an implement we hadn 't used that I wanted to play with since it was my last night there . Of course I said the belt . So he spanked me with the belt . It didn 't last as long as I would 've liked , but I was just happy to have it used on me at all after three years ! His shoulder couldn 't handle too much that night , because when he had shot with his bolt action rifle earlier in the day , he had gone through ten shots , and it kicked him in the shoulder hard enough for him to have a decent bruise . Hard kicking round + brass butt plate + thin tee shirt = sore shoulder & nbsp ; I had some decent belt marks though , which is what counts . Sitting that whole week had been tricky , and that just added to it , which I had missed so much and loved feeling again after so long . He didn 't stay after that , because he was going to have to get up early ( there 's normal people early and then there 's G . early . G . early is noon LOL ) . When he dropped me off at the airport the next day , I got my traditional hug , which was nice . Even just being friends , what we do together as far as spanking is concerned is more emotionally intimate than I ever was with my husband when we were married . After twelve years we 're close , even if it 's in a nontraditional way . It was a nice way to end a very nice week . I got very spanked after having waited patiently for three years , which made me very happy . If things work out right , we might even be able to see each other before next Worldcon . I 'm keeping my fingers crossed for that one , because it would mean him coming here . And not mentioning to my mom that we 'd be going to the target range again . She still doesn 't know that we went in October ! She HATES guns , so it just easier not to tell her . She knows about the other stuff , but she feigns ignorance . That 's easier for HER . LOL & nbsp ; Glad the trip was a success , - G The NY post is written , and I sent it to G . a couple days ago , so I 'm waiting for him to send it back with his comments included . Until then , I came up with an idea today . I 've been knee - deep in nonkink book writing for over a month now , but I think it 's sparked my creativity again . That 's good , because I 'd spent so much time not being able to write a damn thing that I 'll take too many ideas over none . I was sitting at work listening to a podcast on my iPod , and they were talking about writing , and it got me thinking . I rarely write poetry anymore , but occasionally something hits me enough to make me need to write . I 've also never written a whole book of themed poetry . I do have ones I could take out of the rest and MAKE a themed book , but what I 'm thinking is a kink related poetry book , that talks about the journey from the earliest thoughts about what we do , to being involved in playing and all the feelings that go along with the different relationships we have while doing it . I 've never written something intentionally like that . My poetry is normally born of strong emotion at the moment . I think a book about my life would be boring , but to put it into poetry form would bring the emotions to the surface and show the journey from earliest spanko thoughts through to the liberation that comes with age and experience . I would probably have to go the self publishing route , or the Amazon Print on Demand way , because I doubt I could get a publisher to go for it . Hell , I don 't even know if anybody would even want to read it ! I wrote the potential first poem this afternoon , and I 'm fairly sure I have enough years of experience in all this to really show the journey . Any thoughts ? Any interest ? I 'm still going to do it , but I am wondering if anybody would want to bother reading it . Posted by I 've been thinking about what I want when it comes to playing when I get to New York to see G . It 's been three years since we 've seen each other , so there 's so much we 'll probably want to do but won 't get to . I know he 'll want to punish me . It 's not that I 've been misbehaving , but he 'll want to set the tone and assert his authority again . I want that too . I hope it happens before we do the fun kind of playing . I want to feel his power again . It 's this amazing force , and I haven 't seen it in so long . I miss it . I want to slam up again it , to know that it 's there no matter what . I want him to spank me until I cry , to release all the stress that 's built up since the last time I saw him , partly because it 's been so long since he 's spanked me . I want to feel relaxed and that everything 's right in the universe again . At some point I want a nice long caning , with the heavy cane . I want to fly , knowing that he 's watching out for me so that I can . I trust him to know when I 've had enough if I 've blissed out ( G . 's term for subspace ! ) so far that I can 't know for myself . He 's good at that , and I feel safe so that I can let go and fly . It 's an amazing feeling , to let him take me where I want and need to go . I 'd love to play a scene , though we 've never really done it before . There are situations we can use from my past that make for good role playing , because in my late teens school and I weren 't best friends . I wasn 't terrible at it , but there were bouts of skipping that I could be punished for , in a teacher / student format or a Daddy / daughter type scene . Either way would work for me . I 'll have to see what G . wants to do as far as that goes , but we 've talked about me being punished for that , so it 's just a matter of figuring out which direction to take it . G . hasn 't used the Liquid Cane yet ( formerly the Evil Whippy Thing ) , and since I know that it 's on my level , I really want to see what he can do with it . His arm never wears out , so I 'm hoping for great things ! I know he wants to try it out , especially after all those times that I told him that he might get to use it sparingly . He 'll want to make sure that I know that he 'll use what he wants , when he wants , as often as he wants . Which is only right . He 's in charge , and when it comes to when and how I get spanked , he makes the decisions . I love that . Posted by Yesterday on the radio , the show I listen to did a story about this : Gawker . The hosts were all for it , saying that anonymity on the internet is bad , because it allows people to say things they wouldn 't say out in public . They said that people should have to get some kind of license to go online to post to blogs and message boards , using their real names , so that you 'd know exactly who said what . All I could think was that it would shut down whole sections of the internet . Spanking on tv has become slightly more mainstream , but so much of society still thinks that what we do is worse than being gay , and we know how they feel about THAT . We go on Twitter and we write our blogs anonymously , for our own protection for the most part . Some of us have careers or spouses or friends and relatives who can 't find out about what we 're into , because it would cause serious problems . We HAVE to have anonymity online so that we can interact with other people like us . We can 't go back to the old days when we had almost no connection to other people who did what we did , putting pricey ads in the backs of free newspapers to find somebody to spank or be spanked by . There was a scene back then , but not like it is now , where we can talk to so many people all over the world who think the way we do , and want the same things . Losing that would be devastating for all of us . I 'm out to some friends , but I keep my Twitter and Facebook personas totally separate for a reason . There are relatives and work friends on Facebook who I don 't want finding out about this , because I 've had some bad experiences with people finding out in the past . One of my uncles is born again , and his only thought filter is his religion . I doubt he 'd take the news well if he found out . I don 't feel like being ostracized by half the people I know and / or love . Also , G . isn 't out at ALL , and if what I do online got out , it would be very easy for his friends to figure out the connection . I would never do that to him , so I would have to stop posting . What they said botheJen Finally got to talk to G . about my plan last night . I had a backup plan in case going there didn 't work for him , meaning I would pay his way here . I 've done it before , so there 's precedent . When I asked him last night though , he said , If you want to come out this way , I 'm fine with it . If we were a couple that would be an odd way to put it , but we 're not , we 're friends with the spanking relationship added in . The fact that he didn 't even hesitate meant a lot . There was no discussing it , " well , if you were to come here , then . . . . " . It was just outright and made me very hyper ! I 'll get a hotel room , because with his living arrangements , it 's the only way we 'll get a chance to play . The hotel I found is less than two miles from where he lives , so it 'll be very easy for him . I just like the fact that we 're finally going to be able to reconnect . As much as I love going to Worldcon , we haven 't seen each other in three years , and we need some time just to get back into the swing of things . With everything there is to do at Worldcon , we don 't have much time to just BE , and playing gets relegated to 3 in the morning most of the time . If it 's just the two of us , we can just hang around doing what we want , and playing happens when we want it to . Most of the time that isn 't until late on the first day , after we 've had time to adjust to being in the same place again after so long . We 've been friends for twelve years , and we 're comfortable with each other to the point of acting like an old married couple , but that first day needs to be relaxed into . I get so hyped before I see him that I would bounce off the walls otherwise . I 'm going to get SO spanked when I 'm there . I will take videos and pics , and I will show off any marks I manage to get . I will convince him to use the heavy cane so that I will have wonderful cane marks , but not sure about bruises . I don 't seem to bruise all that much anymore . So annoying . I love bruises and marks . We 'll probably play hard enough that he 'll manage to bruise me some though . He knows how hardBy the time I leave , sometime in the middle of October , I 'm going to be bouncing off the walls . Can 't wait ! Since I was part of Abel 's conversation about Twitter , I figured I might as well continue it , along with everybody else . Twitter is my connection to my spanking friends . I can 't do that on Facebook , because of relatives and work friends . I 'm pretty much out about what I do , except for those people . My work wouldn 't be affected , but I don 't know what their reaction would be , so I leave that part of my life private . I could never tell the relatives on Facebook about my kink , though some of them are very open about things . I just can 't see myself talking to them about it . The newsgroup has faltered from what it once was , and all the people I knew there are now on Twitter , so I can connect with them on a more immediate basis there . I NEED Twitter for that . To be who I really am , to not have to think about what I say , to not have to hide anything . To be as free as I want with the kink , and to be able to revel in the wonderfully kinky conversations I have on there . I don 't JUST talk about spanking , but it 's the one place I CAN talk about it . I 've gained friends on there beyond the ones I knew from the newsgroup , so my horizons have broadened that way . I don 't tweet from a phone , because I refuse to pay that kind of money for a data plan , but when I get home I go through my timeline and catch up with everything people have been doing during the day . Not everybody I follow is into spanking , but pretty much everybody who follows me is . Until the past few months I didn 't post much . In April , after a whole year on Twitter , I only had 1 , 800 tweets . I 've become so much more involved that I have 4 , 614 tweets as of right now . I tweet every day now , sometimes a lot during a day , especially later in the day when everybody 's home . I talk to people in different countries , all over the world , which for somebody who didn 't get online until they were 34 is still sort of amazing sometimes . It 's difficult to remember what it was like pre - internet , when I didn 't know that there were all these other people who have the same inclinations IJen I 've known for a little while that there 's no way I can come up with the money for Worldcon . I had all these plans to do it , even if it meant borrowing it , but it 's not happening , and it 's better not to go into debt to do it . But it means that I won 't see G . I haven 't seen him in three years , and it 's getting to me . The only thing that makes it okay that I 'm not going to see him is that I have a plan for a couple months from now when I have more money . It will allow me to either bring him here , or for me to go there , depending on what he 's willing to do . Either way it 'll work for me . I 'll get spanked for real and not just from myself , and things will be good again . I haven 't been spanked in so long I 've forgotten what it 's like to be in the same room and under his control . I want that , I need that , and I 'm going to do what I can to make it happen . I have to talk to him about it tonight , so we 'll see how it goes . Posted by The next night was Sunday , which meant I had to go to bed early . I didn 't know how I was going to manage to get to bed so early , when I was used to staying up until one or two in the morning . Going to bed the same day I woke up just wasn 't normally in the cards . I got into bed , expecting to lie there for hours , but surprisingly , I was asleep in half an hour . When the alarm went off in the morning I woke up right away , and didn 't hit the snooze alarm once . I got to work in plenty of time for the first time in ages . The rest of the week went along essentially the same way . I thought I had this thing licked , and that the bedtime would be very temporary . I had hope that I wouldn 't need rules for very long . When I called Kate that Friday , she was very pleased that I was following the rule so well , and called me a good girl . That made me happy , because I wasn 't used to hearing that . It made me want to keep being a good girl and doing what Kate wanted me to do . The next week started well enough , I kept to my bedtime and woke up when I was supposed to . Then on Thursday , some of the women at work asked if I wanted to go with them for a night out . Forgetting what Kate had told me about asking permission , I told them I 'd go . We went to a bar , and the next thing I knew , it was one in the morning . By the time I got home it was closer to two , but I figured that I 'd already broken the rule , a little longer wouldn 't make any difference . When the alarm went off five and a half hours later , I hit the snooze button three times and ended up being late for work . Realizing that I would have to call Kate later that day and confess to what I 'd done , I was nervous all day at work , and easily flustered . By the time I got home I was so frazzled I didn 't know which way was up . I was desperate for an excuse to use as I dialed Kate 's number . It was only the second week and I had already screwed up , big time . I don 't just mess things up a little , when I do it , I do it big , and this was no exception . I knew I was in for it . " Hello Sarah , " Kate said . " It went really well most of the week , " I said , trying to put the best angle on it that I could . " Most of the week , " she asked , in a tone I wasn 't used to . It wasn 't accusatory , but it seemed to drip impending doom . " Yeah , most of the week . Last night was a little bit off . . . . . . . . . " I said , trailing off , not willing to give it all up at once . " What do you mean , a little bit off , " she asked . The tone got more ominous . " Well , some friends at work wanted me to go out with them last night after work , and I got home a little bit late , " I said . " How late , " she asked . " Um . . . . . . . almost two o ' clock , " I said , almost under my breath . I wanted the impact to be as small as possible . " I see , " Kate said . I didn 't like the sound of that tone at all . It told of more than impending doom , it announced the demise of my poor bottom . My heart dropped into my stomach when she said the word disappointed . I hadn 't meant to disappoint her , and now I felt even worse . " I forgot , " I admitted . " Yes , ma ' am , " I said . There was that word again . " See you on Sunday , Sarah , and don 't be late , " Kate said . I felt awful . I hadn 't meant to disobey her , and I had forgotten about asking permission . It hadn 't been on purpose . I 'd never cared about disappointing anybody before , so this was a new situation for me . Was I going to be good from now on just so I wouldn 't disappoint her ? I never wanted to hear that tone in her voice again , I knew that much . I was up early Sunday morning , so nervous I couldn 't eat anything . All I could think about was what was going to happen . I wondered how bad it would be . She had only spanked me with her hand that night at the party , and that had been bad enough , but I had seen what had happened when she used the hairbrush on Julie 's bottom . I couldn 't imagine being on the receiving end of that . I knew I would find out soon enough . Before I could chicken out , I drove to my appointment with doom . I stood at Kate 's door and rang the doorbell right at the stroke of noon . I didn 't dare risk being even one minute late . I was already in enough trouble . When she opened the door there was only a trace of the sternness I had heard on the phone . Even that small amount had an effect in person . I tried not to let my nervousness show . I entered the house , and had to look at her to make sure she was kidding about that last part . At this point I wasn 't sure what she was capable of . Anything to teach me a lesson , I expected . It didn 't take any time for her to get down to business . There was a straight - back chair in the middle of the living room , and a small paddle and a hairbrush were on a table next to the chair . My knees almost buckled at the sight of them . She sat down on the chair , and I stood in front of her . Part of me wanted this spanking , so that she wouldn 't be disappointed in me anymore . As she put me over her knee and pulled my pants and panties down in one swift motion , I knew this was going to be much worse than the one at the party . In my position over her knee , I couldn 't see which of the two implements she picked up , but with the first smack I knew it was the paddle . I squeaked , not expecting it to be so hard right from the start . " This is a punishment spanking , there aren 't any warm - ups before a punishment spanking , " Kate said , " the paddle is for not asking permission and deciding to break the rule , and the hairbrush is for deciding that since you were in trouble already that you might as well stay out later . " The paddle was small , but brutal . The sting built up immediately , and was close to intolerable almost as fast . I kicked and squirmed and tried to get away , but Kate 's grip was much too tight . There was no chance of escape . I was trapped , to be spanked unmercifully for as long as Kate wanted . My bottom was on fire in short order , and I panicked , thinking there was no way I would be able to stand it . I had no idea how long she spanked me , it just seemed to go on forever . Suddenly the sting of the paddle was replaced by the intense burn of the hairbrush . I screamed at the first splat of that evil thing against my bare bottom , but there was no let up . The helpless I had felt at the party overtook me again , and I was crying hard in short order . The helplessness became remorse , and I was genuinely sorry for having disobeyed her . The hairbrush did its work , and I was a very sorry girl . When Kate was satisfied that I had learned my lesson , the spanking ended . I was exhausted , having cried myself out over her knee , so all I could do was lie there in misery . She lifted me off her lap after pulling up my pants , and led me to the couch . She hugged me and rubbed my back . " Of course , dear . You 've been punished , and it 's over now . I know you 'll try your best to be a good girl from now on , " Kate said . " Yes ma ' am , I definitely will , " I assured her . I meant it . I didn 't want another spanking like that ever again . " I 'm glad . I don 't like having to punish you , but I 'll always do it when it 's needed , " Kate said , letting me know that she was serious . We had lunch after that , and when I left we were on very good terms again . From then on I tried to keep to my bedtime , and succeeded most of the time , but there were still spankings for that and other rules that she put in place later on . Kate made all of them count , but none were as memorable as that first day , when I learned that when Kate says to do something , you do it . Posted by I forgot about this story . I wrote it a couple years ago , but never used it for anything . It 's long , so I have to post it in parts . It 's fiction , but it 's written in the first person . From early on I knew that I lacked something . A strong female figure , willing to take charge . Even though outwardly I followed the rules , internally I was missing the guidance , and I craved it . I had always been thrilled by the thought of being spanked , but it never happened , not with my permissive upbringing . My hopes rose when I entered the scene , finding people to spank me , because there were women who spanked other women . I didn 't act on my inclination for a long time , because there always seemed to be something holding me back . The time didn 't seem right , or the women I met weren 't the right type . It seemed I always found an excuse . That was until I met Kate . I first saw her at a party . It was impossible not to notice her , she was sitting in the middle of the room spanking a younger woman . She had the woman over her knee , and she had this maternal air about her , caring but stern . The longing rose up in me again , watching the scene , and I wanted to be the one over her knee , being scolded and spanked . She was saying all the things I had always fantasized that a mother would say to a misbehaving daughter . It sent a shiver through me , and I couldn 't look away . When the scene was over , Kate hugged the woman , whose name I didn 't know , and the younger woman had a very content look on her face , even after what had seemed like a very intense scene . I stood where I was , afraid to move , afraid to approach Kate . She seemed so formidable , and it still seemed like too large a risk , even with my need prodding me to take that risk . It wasn 't that I was afraid that she wouldn 't want to spank me , because obviously she had no problem spanking women . I just didn 't know her very well , and I didn 't know if she wanted to deal with someone who placed so much importance on a mother / daughter scenario . There was so much emotion involved in it for me that I thought it could possibly make her uncomfortable . " Hi Sarah . I saw you watching when I was spanking Julie , " I heard a voice behind me say . I turned , and there was Kate . I had been so deep in thought that I hadn 't noticed her approach me . " Oh yeah , well I think we all were . It was impressive , " I said . I panicked , and couldn 't look her in the eye . Was I that obvious ? I felt as thought I had a huge sign plastered across my body that said , " I need a woman to spank me " in foot tall letters . " I know the look , dear , " Kate said , acknowledging my thoughts . She was much taller than me , and it was like a child looking up into a mother 's face when I met her gaze . Up close I could tell that she was a good two decades older than me , but that only helped fuel my longing . Not just her mouth smiled at me , her eyes seemed to as well . I suddenly felt at ease , and forgot all about my panic . I wanted to tell her everything about my desire to be taken in hand by a strong woman who knew how to deal with a naughty girl , even if that " girl " was in her thirties . It came out as a jumble , and neither of us understood what I was trying to tell her . I did as she said , trying to slow my breathing down enough to talk . Now that I had the chance , I didn 't want to mess it up . " I 've always been into spanking , but my parents raised me very permissively . I 've always wanted a strong woman to take me in hand , to help me fix the things about me that need fixing . I thought there wasn 't much chance of it happening , but when I watched you spanking Julie , I wanted to be in her place . I felt stuck where I was , like I was seeing my own future . I want it to be my future , but I wasn 't sure how to ask you , " I said , getting calmer the longer I talked . " Now that I understood . I think I can help you . If your childhood was as permissive as you think it was , then we have a lot of work to do . It won 't be easy , but it will be worth it in the long run . You have to have self discipline to get ahead in life , and if you didn 't learn it through discipline as a child , there 's no way you 'd have it as an adult , " Kate said , as if this new situation was already arranged . " Tell me what areas of your life you 're having the most problem with , and we 'll work on those first . " I was stunned . I hadn 't expected her to agree so easily . I thought I would have to beg and plead , at least a little . " Well , " I stammered , all nervous again . " I never seem to be able to get anything done on time , so deadlines at work are next to impossible . I can 't seem to keep my spending under control , so all of my credit cards are maxed out most of the time . I eat all wrong , when I remember to eat at all , and I don 't sleep unless I 'm so exhausted that I end falling asleep on my couch almost every night . I 'm a mess . " Kate sat silently for a few minutes . I started thinking that I had scared her , that I was too much to deal with . I already thought of myself as a hopeless case , so it was easy to think she did too . When she finally spoke , it was a surprise . " First things first . We need to get you on a regular sleep schedule . Nothing in your life will go the way it 's supposed to until your mind is clear , and it can 't be when you don 't sleep . That means a strict bedtime until you learn to go to sleep when you should . It may take a while , and I 'm not expecting perfection , but if you break the rule , you will be spanked , " she said firmly . A scared thrill went through my entire body . This was something straight out of my dreams , but it was real . I couldn 't believe she was agreeing , and taking charge so fast . It was more than I could have hoped for . But could I follow rules ? I never had before , at least not with any regularity . I wanted to though , because my life was becoming ridiculously out of control . " Okay , " I said finally . " If you 're willing to help me , I would be stupid to pass up the chance . How do we start ? How will you make sure I 'm following the rules ? " " We start now . From here on out , I 'm in charge , at least as much as you 've put me in charge . I 'll know whether you 're following the rules or not because you 're going to tell me . Once a week , on Fridays , you 'll call me and give me a report on how things have been going . If there are any transgressions , you 'll tell me about them , and we 'll meet on Sunday to deal with them , " Kate said , all business . " You mean I 'm supposed to tell on myself , " I asked . " Exactly , " Kate said , " because you want this , and the part of you that wants this will tell me if you break the rules . It may not make any sense now , but in time it will . If you 're really as serious about turning your life around as you say you are , you 'll do it . " " Which is why you asked me to help . You 've never been held accountable for anything , but that 's about to change , " Kate answered , getting up from the table . " Now I think you should experience a little of what 's in store for you . " I stood up , not knowing what was about to happen . We left the room , and went out into the hallway . We walked a short way to her room , which was down the hall from the room where the party was being held . She took me by the hand , led me to the bed , and sat down on the edge of it . She positioned me in front of her , gave me a questioning look , and I nodded . The next thing I knew , I was across her lap . I had no idea how she 'd managed to do it so easily . I did know that I was staring at the carpet , about to be spanked . She started slowly , flipping up my skirt and spanking my panty covered bottom with her hand . The smacks were deliberate , but not hard . I could tell she was holding back , because I had seen her spanking Julie with much more force . She covered my entire bottom with smacks . Just as the heat built to a stinging feeling , I felt her reach into the waistband of my panties and pull them down . I had a momentary feeling of dread and panic , and tensed up . " Don 't be silly , Sarah , I have to spank your bare bottom . Relax , " Kate said . The panic left me , and with my panties down around my knees , she continued the spanking . I didn 't know if it was the lack of protection or if she was spanking harder , but there was a definite difference in what I was feeling . That mild sting was building in intensity , and her hand felt more like a paddle than a hand . I started squirming , and she tightened her grip around my waist . Suddenly her focus went from spanking all of my bottom to my sit spots and thighs , and with much more force . My squirming turned to struggling , which seemed to make her more determined . Sounds came out of me that I don 't remember having ever made before , and then I noticed the tears . I 'd never cried from any spanking in a scene , and couldn 't believe it was happening now . Soon the tears turned to sobs , at my feelings of helplessness and frustration of not being able to get free . I cried like I had never cried before , but the spanking continued . The crying was tiring me out , and eventually I couldn 't keep up the fight and just slumped in defeat , accepting whatever she gave . She slowed the smacks then , and then stopped completely . The spanking might have been over , but I couldn 't stop crying . I couldn 't see through the tears , the carpet was a blur . I felt her rub my back , and it helped calm me down . She pulled my panties back up , and helped me up , sitting me next to her on the bed . Without thinking , I put my head on her shoulder , and she put her arm around me . I didn 't know what possessed me to do that , I just suddenly felt very connected to her , and she didn 't seem to mind . " Feel better , " she asked . Where did that come from , I wondered . It surprised me , because I hadn 't planned on saying it . I 'd never said that to anyone in my entire life . I didn 't say Sir or Ma ' am , it went against everything I was . I wasn 't raised to say it , and had never seen the need for it , and here I was , saying it unbidden . " I 'm glad , " Kate said . " Good , you 're learning . The 11 : 30 bedtime is only for work nights . What you do on the weekends is up to you , because you don 't have to get up early . When you get to the point where you can wake up with your alarm and not be tired all the time on work days , then we 'll talk about changing it , " Kate said . " I guess , " I said , " it just seems so early . " I followed , and we went back to join the party , but I felt different somehow . Quieter , more settled . I kept watching Kate for the rest of the night , in admiration and respect for her style and her strength . She had impressed me more than I had realized at first . I 'm a bad girl . The problem is that knowing that makes me hot . I know I should want to be a good girl , and I do , but hearing him call me a bad girl and getting spanked for it makes me even hotter . It 's difficult to follow rules and do what I 'm told . I 'm stubborn , which makes learning compliance a problem . Embarrassment is effective , but also a turn - on . It 's all such a balancing act , be good and don 't get spanked except for good girl spankings , or be bad and get punished . Punishment spankings are a deterrent , but again , a turn - on . He urges me to be good , to do what I 'm supposed to , and I want to , but I don 't want to . Being punished is hot , after the spanking is over . He likes it when I 'm a good girl , but he also likes to spank me hard . I know it turns him on when my butt turns red and I 'm fighting against the spanking , to the point of crying . He likes the good girl in me , but punishing me is something he likes too much to want to give up completely . I don 't think either of us could give it up , so even if it 's been months between punishments , we always go back to it . His threats and growls of impending doom for my poor bare bottom give me a shiver of delight and fear . When I feel his hand on my back , pushing me down on the bed for a spanking , that thrill / panic goes through my whole body . I love those moments , before the pain becomes too much , pushing me over the edge into remorse and tears . The remorse lasts longer than the tears , but not long enough . I become submissive for a short time , the good girl he wants , all compliance and willingness to do what I 'm told , but it 's fleeting . Being a bad girl is part of what makes me who I am . I need what comes with that . The helplessness and vulnerability that comes with allowing myself to be punished for being bad give me a surge , heighten my senses . Being a good girl gets me rewards , spankings just because , but those lack the emotion and intensity of being spanked hard until I break . They don 't offer the release I get from being spanked until I cry . I want to be a good girJen Four years ago today an amazing friend of mine died . We 'd known each other for almost 30 years . We started out as teacher and student , but we became friends pretty quickly . I loved her , and I know she loved me too , in a non - judgemental way that 's very rare . I never told her about my kink , but if I had , I know she wouldn 't have treated me any differently . I wrote this story after she died for the SSC , which is why it 's so short . I 'm posting it here because I know she wouldn 't mind . Sarah sat on the couch in a funk she hadn 't been able to shake for weeks . She knew she had to get back to normal , but she couldn 't seem to force herself to stop wallowing in her grief . When Tom sat down next to her , she barely noticed . " Hey , you want to get out of here for a while , " Tom asked . " Huh ? Oh , no , I just want to stay in . I 'm not in the mood to do anything , " Sarah said . " You know that Katie would have a fit if she knew you were shutting yourself away because she 's gone , right ? " Tom asked . Sarah glared at him . " She isn 't gone , she 's dead . There 's a difference . We were friends for 28 years , I 'm allowed to miss her . " " Of course you are , but you can 't stop living too . You need a good hard spanking to get you out of this mood , " Tom said . " That 's just so wrong , I can 't even tell you how wrong it is ! " Sarah sprang up from the couch ready to bolt from the room , but Tom caught her by the arm and pulled her back down on the couch . " Why is it wrong ? You know it would help to get rid of all of the tension that 's been building up in you , " Tom said calmly . " It 's wrong because I want it , but I shouldn 't . It 's too soon to want anything that would feel good . I feel guilty even thinking about it , " Sarah said . Tom took both of her hands in his , turning her so that she faced him . " It 's part of the process , wanting to feel good again . Don 't feel guilty , just let me help you . " Sarah didn 't resist as Tom pulled her across him to lie across his lap , but she tensed up as she felt him reach to pull down her pants and panties . It felt like too much too soon , and she struggled momentarily , making it difficult for him to bare her bottom . Even so , it didn 't take long for him to manage it . The first slap of hand on bare skin shocked her . She 'd felt only emotional pain for weeks , and hadn 't allowed physical pain to replace it . Now she had no choice . Slap after slap , the pain and heat built up , pushing her closer to the edge . All of her anger , heartbreak , and sadness came right up to the surface , taunting her , making her fight against TJen I was going through the archives of the SSC ( Short Story Contest ) from the newsgroup . They don 't have my earliest stories there , but I was going through my 2001 stories and found two that showed how different my thinking was from when I was younger compared to what it was once I got online and found myself , kink - wise . They 're bookend stories as it were , so I decided I 'd post them here . I can 't believe that was ten years ago already ! She was too young to understand what was done to her , too young to process the pain she felt . He took advantage of her innocence to make her believe she was bad , that nobody would love her , or want her , ever . She was too young to know any different , so she believed . She was punished for his own faults , his own demons . Her small childish missteps were blown out of proportion , handled with rage and violence . She never understood why , all she knew was that she was bad . She had to be if she got spanked and then ignored , never forgiven , never told she was a good girl again . If that was what getting spanked really was . It wasn 't like she saw in the movies or on tv , it was so much worse . She was the perpetual bad girl , even though she wasn 't sure what she 'd done . Whatever it was , it had to have been very bad to make him hate her the way he did . She refused to accept authority after a while , any authority . She only followed the rules out of fear , or because she thought it would make him like her , but it didn 't . Nothing got better , only worse . She was always wrong , always bad . She couldn 't get away from that feeling , even at such a young age . She was only a little girl , she should have been happy , not always sure that everyone knew that she was bad . She was broken before she even had a chance to know who she was or what she wanted . Her soul damaged so deeply and so early that she had no choice in what she became . So sad , so lonely , thinking that he was right , that she 'd be alone always , no friends , no love . Part of her remained five years old , holding on to the only thing she 'd ever really learned , ever knew for sure , that she was a bad girl , that there was no hope of anything else . She became what he wanted her to be . Once upon a time , I was foolish enough to believe that men were evil . It was what I grew up with , too early learned . It was imprinted on my soul like an unwanted tattoo . Paternal rage , unpredictable hurricanes of torment , ruled my life . Rules were momentary or oppressive , consequences brutal or nonexistent . The belt on bare skin was the chosen form of consequence too often . No forgiveness afterward , just pain . Not erotic , only something to block out if possible , even when I knew that spanking , in a normal sense , made my body tingle . The idea that men were bad , not to be trusted , remained even in adulthood . It would take so much to prove otherwise . Challengers were very few and far between , and those proved rather than disproved . Marriage solidified the concept . Being single seemed preferable at times . Then it came to pass that spanking became a real part of life , not just fantasy or something not to be remembered . It was finally something to be reveled in , celebrated . Along with spanking came friends , some male . To trust was essential in this new life , for without it there was nothing . But would the belief be eradicated or vindicated . I wanted to trust , and in the beginning most likely did so too willingly . Even in the new territory of my sexual liberation , hopes were dashed , twice in quick succession . I pushed on though , not willing to give up so easily when so much was at stake . I needed this new way of life , needed a spanked ass and the emotional release that could come with that . There came a day when I realized that my beliefs were no longer valid . A well - chosen group of male friends had come along , one at a time , showing me each in their own way that men weren 't what I had always thought . One in particular showed me what authority was supposed to be , consistent , safe . I trusted and relaxed finally , no longer having to wonder when the trust would be smashed . I knew that it would always be there . No promises had ever been made that weren 't kept . Spankings , real , non - brutal spankings , were given for misbehavior , along with something I 'd never had before . Forgiveness , the knowledge that I wasn 't the miserable creature I had once been led to believe I was , that I was worthy of that forgiveness , and I could never do something that would make me unworthy . It healed something deep inside , allowing me to own this thing in me , this need to be spanked , whether for punishment or sex . It was mine , and the brutality of the past couldn 't take that away from me . Once upon a time , I was foolish enough to believe that men were evil . I 'm glad I was wrong . It 's been a long time since I 've posted about any RL playing that I 've done , mostly because it 's been so long between times . I finally got to a party last night , but not one of the ones I used to post about . This was a fetish party , so there was a really good mix of people of all kink persuasions . I 'd never been to a party where there were lots of different kinds of play . I 've been playing in the scene since ' 99 , but this was my first experience with watching people who didn 't all have my exact kink , and it was really cool . There was a LOT of cross - over , so I didn 't feel out of place at all . I went with a friend from high school who I recently reconnected with , mostly because of the first spanking movie I ever bought from Shadow Lane . The guy in the movie had the same name and same basic features of this guy I remembered from high school , and ever since then I 'd wanted to find him again to see if it was him in the movie . Well , long story short , I found him on the alumni site for our high school , and I emailed him . I mentioned that movie , but not what it was about , and his answer made me think that he wouldn 't be freaked out by a spanking movie . I sent him the link so he 'd know why I thought the guy looked like him , he agreed , and said that he wouldn 't have minded being that guy ! We talked on the phone after that , and he mentioned this fetish party that he wanted to take his girlfriend to and said that if I wanted to go to let him know . I jumped at the chance , because except for last September when I got to play with Greg in Boston , I hadn 't played in two years and I desperately needed the chance . I met up with them at the bar where the party was , and I knew right away that I 'd get a chance to play , because on the dance floor there were a couple spanking benches , and a couple St . Andrew 's crosses . There was a leather dealer right inside the door , and I finally bought my first flogger ! I 'd always wanted one , but they 're usually too expensive . This one is green suede and not very long , so when Greg uses it on me he Jen Last night G . and I discussed the math thing . We haven 't come up with a plan yet , but at least it 's out there . The best part of it is , he 's back in charge , at least of my spankings . Family things had taken his mind away from what we used to do , and we had adapted at the time . I guess we got used to it , not even talking about spanking much , if at all , except as a joke . I realize now that this was what had been missing . I liked him telling me what was going to happen as far as when I could get up from the mat , or how much I would get spanked . With my months long hiatus from even being able to spank myself due to my own living situation , we had gone on to other things , filling our time with online things that didn 't involve spanking at all . Last night I felt settled for the first time in so long , and today was when I realized what was different . He made me spank myself with my new toy on the phone , bedroom door closed . We don 't normally risk that because I live with family , but the air conditioner and the tv were on in the living room , and it blocked any sound coming from my room . Luckily the new toy ( I 'm considering calling it " The Evil Whippy Thing " LOL ) isn 't loud like all my other toys . After getting spanked with that for a while , I had to get out the mat and sit on it while we talked . It was so nice to feel that he was taking back the reins finally . I 've been a grown up and in charge of everything for over a year now , and I missed being able to just let him take over . It was funny how we fell into our old roles again so easily . After twelve years I guess it 's like riding a bike , you don 't forget how to do it . We did all of our other normal stuff , just like every other night , but there was that extra little part , me sitting on the mat and him deciding that if I asked if I could get off that he would make me sit on it longer that made me happy . Everything was right with the world again . Posted by After thinking about that audio clip that I avoided for two years , and knowing what he was trying to do with it , I 've been feeling slightly guilty . It makes me feel like I deserve the spankings I 've been getting , even though I have to do them myself . Sunday I was able to have a decently long session , over half an hour , and I used many implements . My bottom hurt for the rest of the day , and when I got to do a few minutes with the new toy yesterday , I could tell that my bottom was still sore from Sunday . There are still some sore spots on my bottom , which reminds me that I 've been punished for something I feel guilty about . I haven 't talked to him about it yet , that won 't come until tomorrow , but having been spanked makes me feel a little bit better about things . Hopefully he 'll make me sit on the mat tomorrow night on the phone , like he did for an hour on Sunday night . Back about seven years ago , I felt so guilty about something that I kept pushing him to ratchet up the punishments he was already giving me for something else . That 's when we found out that embarrassment works so well on me in punishment situations . I felt I deserved to have people see my very spanked bare bottom , and even though it didn 't happen , just the idea that it could , and that it was all part of my punishment , helped my guilt , even though it took a good part of that summer . Being punished by him in person ALWAYS gets rid of any guilt I feel , but the long distance punishments take a while to work . My guilt isn 't all that bad this time , so I 'm pretty sure a few more spankings and some more mat time should do the trick . Talking to him tomorrow will also help . It always does . He 'll just consider the extra spankings to be a bonus . Earlier today I finally got a free zip program . There was an audio clip that G . had sent me along with the others a couple years ago that I had ignored because it wasn 't about spanking or anything . It was about math , which I hate , mostly because I can 't do it . I was good with math until 3rd grade when we had to memorize the multiplication tables . It didn 't totally do me in , but it slowed me down . I did much better with fractions and things like that . By 5th grade we were into subjects that were getting me farther and farther into a hole , and being emotionally crippled didn 't help my self esteem in this area . By 8th grade I pretty much stopped paying attention and looked out the window daydreaming instead . I barely passed Fundamentals of Algebra in 9th grade , and my second semester teacher told me that I got all the steps down for the problems , but my math was no good . So of course I got a Top who 's a math brainiac . LOL It wasn 't planned , but he 's been adamant over the years about my learning the higher math that I 've been avoiding for the past 30 + years . I think because of my past stubbornness , and the fact that we live so far apart , he had given up on the idea , because we haven 't really talked about it in a long time . The audio clip brought it all back though , and I wrote him an email telling him that I 'm willing to try again . He sounded so angry in the clip , and I 've only heard him like that a couple other times in the whole twelve years that I 've known him . It wasn 't what he said that told me , it was his tone . He can be very authoritative in what he says , and I know he means business , but when he 's truly angry it 's the only time he can make me cry without it being from a spanking . I know I 've been stubborn about avoiding math , mostly because it 's just so much work for me to learn it . I 'm not stupid , not by a long shot , but my past attempts have made me reticent to try again . I don 't do well with failure , being something of a control freak , but if that 's what he really wants , I 'm going to give it another try . He 's much more stubborn than I am , so we 'll see how long it takes before I bend and really give it my all . I 've been thinking since my last post . Different things get different people going , whether you 're a spanko or not . One thing that I didn 't know until about seven years ago , is that the idea that somebody might see my bare bottom after a spanking gets me going on a serious level . Whether it 's somebody who isn 't into spanking , or somebody into spanking but just happens upon the situation , it 's all hot for me . If it 's a set up situation , where the people are already there , I would have to be receiving a punishment spanking to have the same reaction . Being punished gets me into a completely different mindset , where I feel very vulnerable and much more helpless . It 's the only time that embarrassment works on me . I 've been spanked in front of a lot of people at parties , and I don 't even think twice . I 've never been punished at a party though , at least not in the public room . I 've had lots of fantasies about being spanked in public , as punishment , or having somebody look through a window to see my bare bottom after I 've been spanked , which is what prompted the last post . I just wonder how many other people have this as part of their kink . Some people freak out at the thought that somebody might see them in that kind of situation . I know that others have it as part of their fantasies , but does it become a turn on if the situation actually comes up in real life ? Even if it doesn 't quite happen , but goes right to the brink , is that enough to give the person a thrill ? If a situation gets very close to my being discovered like that , I panic , but then after things calm down again , it gives me that thrill . The closer it gets , the bigger the thrill . I 'm sure if something really happened where somebody saw me who would react badly about it , I wouldn 't get the same physical reaction . It 's the thought of somebody who is intrigued by seeing something like that actually happening upon me having just been spanked and visible through a window or something , THAT drives my fantasies . It 's not just that though . Being made to tell someboJen Once upon a time , not so long ago , there was a very naughty girl . She was so naughty that she had to get her bare bottom spanked every Saturday morning for months . Her Top did not live near her , so he said that she would have to spank herself in his place . Every Saturday she would wake up and have to get a switch from a tree outside her window , and then carry it in back into her apartment building so that people would be able to see it . She had to whip herself with the switch until her bare bottom was very sore and it had red welts all over it . She also had to use the big evil hairbrush on her bare bottom , and the belt . She had to spank herself for as long as she was alone in the apartment , because she lived with other people and couldn 't always carry out her punishment spankings . Because she lived in a basement apartment , her Top decided that instead of corner time , she would have to bend over her kitchen table , with the windows and blinds open , very red bare bottom facing the window . Her only saving grace was that the window was higher on the wall than a normal window , so if somebody walked by they might NOT be able to see inside . She was always so embarrassed when she had to stay there , bending over on display . When she heard people walking by the window she would freeze and hope that they weren 't looking at her very red , very sore bare bottom . One day she knew she was going to be alone all day , so the spankings would last for a long time . She would have to use all the implements over and over , and she knew that sitting down in the days to come would be very painful . She dutifully spanked and spanked , first with the switch , then with the hairbrush , then the paddle that had been made especially for her , then the belt . She bent over the kitchen table hoping not to be seen , and then started the spankings all over again . She had just spanked herself very hard with the hairbrush in the living room , and was kneeling on the couch bending over a pillow on the arm of the couch , her red bare bottom facing the living rooJen Wow , I haven 't blogged in a long while . The reason is mainly there has been nothing to write about for too long . Our lives have been a huge ball of stres . . . EDIT - I am reposting this after almost 4 years . This is a really lovely post for two reasons . # 1 . I forgot all the details of this weekend . # 2 . I am now an . . . And so , all good things come to an end . Every other day , rain or shine , for nearly nine years : personally writing some 1 , 900 posts in the process . Queuing . . .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

If you 're wondering who I am , I am 20 years old and a recent college grad . I love to act , dance , read , write , and sing . For me , these are all forms of worship to my Jesus . I love action movies , sci - fi , crime dramas , and romantic comedies , and I am pretty much obsessed with Ted Dekker novels . I am a relentless God chaser , a daughter of the King , and the beloved bride of Jesus Christ . Hey , girls ! A Beauty Glorious is a place for mainly teen girls - although anyone is welcome - where we can talk about what it means to be young women and daughters of God . I really want to get to know you ! You can shoot me an email at abeautyglorious @ gmail . com , or comment on any of my posts . I want this blog to be for you , so please let me know what you think and what else you 'd like to see on here . Are you on Facebook ? Join the group ! A Beauty Glorious at Facebook . comAre you on Twitter ? Follow A Beauty Glorious ! twitter . com / abeautyglorious That 's a lot of words . It can seem pretty daunting . A lot of people , even Christians , are only familiar with the famous parts of the Bible , like 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord 's Prayer . They might know that David was the King of Israel but don 't know exactly what he did , other than the Psalms and the whole Bathsheba thing . The sad truth is that less than 10 % of Christians have read through the whole Bible even once . And besides , like The Princess Bride , the Bible has everything : fencing , fighting , torture , revenge , giants , monsters , chases , escapes , true love , miracles . . . well , maybe not the fencing . The Bible contains story after story after story about ordinary people encountering an extraordinary God . Ultimately , the Bible shows us WHO GOD IS . So here 's my challenge to you : Starting January 1 , read through the whole Bible in 2011 . Seriously . It will only take around 20 minutes a day , but the rewards will last an eternity . It 's a journey . It will be exhilarating , it will be hard , it will seem to take forever , but it will be worth it . I promise , you will be so glad you did . Here 's the hard part , though : Don 't read it just to get it done . If you want to do this , expend a little effort to do it well . I suggest you start by praying something like David did , " Open my eyes , that I may behold wondrous things out of your law , " ( Psalm 119 : 18 ) and then let your imagination run wild . Let God show you things you 've never seen before . Don 't be afraid to write in your Bible . Read with a pen in hand and a journal nearby , because as you find these wondrous things , you 're going to want to write them down so you don 't forget . You can use any reading plan you want , although I 'd be really excited if you join me in reading through the Bible chronologically , in the order it happened . You can find tons of reading plans here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / ) and the one I 'm going to be doing is here ( http : / / www . ewordtoday . com / year / esv / cjan01 . htm ) . The advantage of reading along with me is that I 'll be occasionally blogging about some of what I 'm reading , and I 'd love if we can journey through together ! One more thing : If you start late or fall behind , don 't get discouraged . Pick it back up . I suggest reading no more than two days worth of material at a time , though , or else you 'll find yourself reading ten days all at once and not absorbing any of it . I 've definitely done that before . Bad idea . So , who 's with me ? Are you ready to undertake the journey through the most incredible and supernatural book ever written ? If you dare , post a comment below to declare your commitment to the world . Then , for today , here 's what I suggest : read Psalm 119 . As you read , ask God to prepare your heart for everything he 's about to show you . The closer we got to Bethlehem , the more I could feel that it was almost time . I felt my insides clenching and twisting , sharp pains all through my belly . It would come and then subside , and then come again , harder . Joseph was hurrying as fast as he could . Poor guy , he was trying to hold it all together , but he looked frantic . There were so many people ! Carts and donkeys and people with bundles and walking sticks , all bumping into each other and shouting . We pushed through the crowd and waited in a line , and Joseph must have paid the taxes , but I don 't really remember that part . I was just trying to remember to breathe and hold my insides in place and not fall off the donkey all at once . It was dark by the time we started looking for a place to stay . Joseph made our way to the town inn , and we knocked on the door . Then again , louder . Finally , a big burly man opened the door . He had this " what now ? " look on his face that made me feel bad for bothering him , but we had no choice . The man laughed . " In this crowd ? We 've been full up for days . Seems everyone and his uncle is related to ol ' King David , and they 've all come here . " " But don 't you have anything at all ? " Joseph pressed . " My wife 's about to have a baby , we just need some place for her to lie down . " The man looked at me . I was pale and sweating and breathing hard , and I think he felt sorry for me , because he softened a little and said , " Look , I wish I could help you , but we got people in the closets and in the kitchen and every place they can find a few square feet to lay out their blankets . We just don 't have any room left . " The man shook his head firmly . " Nope , and I 'm real sorry , but that 's the fact of it . You 'll just have to figure something out . " A woman who must have been the man 's wife came to join him at the door . She saw me and instantly her eyes got wide . " Jacob , can 't you see - " she started . The cave smelled like animals . There is no nice way to say it ; this place stank . There were several goats and a cow staring at us , and I think there was a pig asleep in the corner too . But it was out of the wind , and there was plenty of fresh hay which Joseph quickly smoothed out and lay his coat over to make a bed for me . He helped me lay down and then sat next to me , wide eyed and fidgety . " How are you doing ? Are you okay ? " he asked , when clearly I was not . The pains were sharper now , and I kept forcing myself to relax when I really just wanted to double over and scream . I knew it would hurt , but I had no idea how much . I felt like I was ripping in half . I remember screaming and clenching and yelling , " Oh , God ! " and struggling to breathe while Joseph was saying , " Push , push ! " Then finally , after what felt like hours - it was over . I collapsed in a sweaty mess back on the hay . Then I held my breath and waited . He was all red and wrinkly , and still screaming , so I shushed him softly while I ran my fingers over his skin . I touched his little nose and ears and the tiny wet hairs . I touched his tiny fingers and tiny curled toes . He was perfect . Red , loud , and perfect . Beautiful . A sense of awe flooded me . This was the baby that was planted in me by the Spirit of God . He was fathered not by any human , but by God . This was the child the prophets foretold , the king who would bring peace . Joseph made him a bed of fresh hay in the manger . I spread out a blanket and lay our tiny son in it , asleep now . I lay my head on Joseph 's shoulder , and he wrapped his arms around me . I wish that moment could have lasted forever , but after a minute we heard footsteps pounding outside the cave . Joseph jumped up just as a young face burst around the corner . The intruder leaned on the wall gasping for air and staring at us with huge eyes . The old man spoke as if he could hardly believe what he was saying . " We have seen angels . We were just watching our sheep , when all of a sudden - huge angels , lighting up the sky , singing praises to God . They told us we would find the newborn Messiah here , lying in a manger . " ( I have to admit , at this point I was hardly surprised . Compared to the miracle that had just come out of me , more angels was nothing . Joseph and I had certainly seen our share . ) Joseph looked back at me . I looked at the sleeping baby . If God wanted to invite others to share our miracle , then why not ? I nodded to my husband . He stepped aside and let them in . They came forward slowly , eyes locked on the manger . They stopped a few feet away , then one by one they dropped to their knees . My eyes filled with tears . Out of all the people in the world God could have told . It should have been King Herod or priests or noblemen showing up at the cave to worship , but it was this ragtag little group of shepherds instead , come to see the peasant couple and their baby . In the stinky cave . I picked up my tiny Jesus and asked the shepherds if they would like to hold him . One by one , with total reverence , they cradled him in their rough hands . I saw leathered faces stream with tears , and I heard boys my own age whispering words of worship as they touched the tiny hands in awe . The shepherds eventually left and woke up the whole town to tell them what had happened . Everyone came crowding into the stable , and Jesus woke up and started screaming again . Then lo and behold , someone realized they did have a spare room after all , so Joseph and I traveled back into town to sleep in a real bed for the rest of the night . Wow . Even after writing all that , it still seems so unreal . God chose me - me , Mary from Nazareth ! - to give birth to his son . Joseph and I traveled to Bethlehem , and there the Messiah was born on a pile of straw . It sounds crazy , but there it is . It all happened . God proved everything he has ever told us by sending his own son to be born tonight . He was born naked and red and screaming like any other newborn , but this is no ordinary baby . This is the son of God . But this whole thing is so much bigger than what happened tonight . The world is about to change . God has started the ball rolling for something bigger than he 's ever done before . As I finish up this series , I would like to thank Marjorie Holmes for writing the book that inspired this journey , " Two From Galilee . " I would also like to thank all of you who have encouraged me along the way . I hope you have been as blessed to read it as I have to write it . I feel like experiencing this with Mary has pushed me to consider the miracle of Christmas in a whole new depth , to think and pray and trust and worship more truly . One of my most beloved inspirations once characterized writing thus : " Write to discover . There is no greater discovery than love . All love comes from the Creator . Write what you will . " That 's exactly what happened to me . I rediscovered love while writing this , and it drew me closer to the Creator who created himself into the form of a helpless infant who would grow up to change everything . I can only pray it has , on some level , done the same for you . I 've been rather surprised to discover as I write that Mary is me . Really , she is all of us . She is the ordinary person chosen for extraordinary things . Her blessings didn 't always look like blessings , but she kept trusting because she realized that God was all she had and his plan is always good . Mary 's trust in God 's promise paved the way for the greatest miracle of all time : God becoming human to show us what love looks like , to rescue us from utter darkness , at the cost of his own life . He chose to be with us , to live life with us , and he died and rose so that he can still live life with us today . I 'm pretty sure this is the most inconvenient thing that could possibly happen right now . Apparently the Roman Emperor got up one day and decided it was a beautiful day for some new taxes . He 's taxing pretty much everyone in the known world . So can we just stroll down to our neighborhood Roman outpost and pay our taxes ? No , of course not , because this is our beloved Caesar Augustus , and that would be way too easy . So we have to go all the way to wherever our ancestors are originally from . In our case , that happens to be Bethlehem , the city of David . It 's a week 's journey away , through rough terrain . Joseph fumed for a while , then started making plans . He talked about everything he would need to pack , and then he said he would leave me with my parents while he was gone . That 's when I stopped him . It 's been four days on the road now . It 's going to be another two at least before we get to Bethlehem . It 's ridiculously cold , even during the daytime . We have to constantly keep an eye out for robbers . I 'm riding on the donkey , which is way better than walking , but all this jostling is pretty painful . I 'm enormous now . I 'd hardly be comfortable at home on the couch , let alone riding a donkey through the mountains for a week straight . Still , it 's been so nice to have this time together just to talk . We mostly talk about the baby , of course . What he 's going to look like , what his first words will be , whether he will know who he is , whether he 'll have to struggle to learn the Law like other boys . And we talk about our own story . This morning I asked Joseph to tell me again what the angel said to him . " He - well , at least it might have been a he - said to me , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " " Maybe … but what if it means more ? " I told him about the passage in Isaiah . I 've been thinking about this ever since Elizabeth 's , and I still have it memorized . Joseph was quiet . I saw him thinking with me . He said it before I did . I don 't think I could actually bring myself to say the word . " I know he 's my child ! " I shouted suddenly . " I know ! I have born him for nine months , and I loathe the thought of any pain coming to him , much less torture and death . I wish it was me ! I wish Isaiah wrote that the virgin would be afflicted , not this innocent baby ! I hate it ! I hate it ! " The donkey had stopped , and I was shaking now . My throat hurt from the tears and the shouting . A tear landed on my belly . Joseph gave me his hand , and I gripped it hard to steady myself . Then I said , " But he was God 's son before he was ours , and I 'm sure God wouldn 't let this happen if there was any other way . If this is what has to happen … then what can we say , Joseph ? What can we say ? " Joseph held me against his shoulder and let me cry . I felt his tears falling on my neck too . I felt the baby pressed between us , ignorant of what was coming . It was just the two of us with the baby and the donkey in the middle of nowhere , but it didn 't feel like we were alone . It was as if all of heaven was heavy with sorrow . I knew God was there , and he was crying with us . We stayed there for a long time , three parents weeping for our son . I heard Joseph start to pray . " Holy God , we 're just two people , and we don 't understand what you 're doing , but we know you have a plan . We trust that if pain has to come for your plan to be accomplished , then that 's what has to happen . We trust that you will be with us , and with your son , all the days of his life . Thank you that you have promised to bring us peace . Thank you for giving humanity this miracle , and for letting us be a part of it . Be with us now , God . Give us strength for the days ahead . " I whispered along with him . " Help us , God . I 'm scared . I 'm not ready to give birth and be a mother . I 'm not ready to do what you 've called me to . I don 't know how to be the mother of the messiah , to raise him up right and then to let him go when the time comes . I don 't know how I 'm going to bear all those things happening , and I don 't even know how I 'm going to get through the next few days , but I trust you . God , we trust you . We can 't do any of this without you . Thank you for choosing me - for choosing both of us . I praise you for that . Now help us . Help me . Be with me , and help me be strong . " Joseph stroked my hair . " The Lord is my shepherd ; I shall not want . He makes me lie down in green pastures . He leads me beside still waters . " So I 'm still annoyed at Caesar , still cold and sore and tired , but God will be with us . Bethlehem 's only two days away . We 'll find a nice quiet room where I can rest . This little messiahling isn 't going to wait much longer ! I 'm eight months pregnant now . I can barely move . I 'm always tired but have a hard time sleeping , I 'm eating the weirdest things , and I 've got an entire map of stretch marks on me . I feel like I 'm going to pop any day , but I still have a month to go . Joseph 's been so amazing , though . He 's absolutely babied me - gotten me every pillow I want , rubbed my feet in the middle of the night , and let me eat bowl after bowl of olives . I don 't know why , but I 'm craving olives almost every waking moment . Olives and chocolate . Even better , Joseph keeps saying " our baby . " He hasn 't forgotten that this is a miracle baby in every way , but he told me that he feels like God 's entrusted the role of earthly father to him , and he intends to live up to that . He even made a beautiful wooden cradle . He says as soon as the baby 's born , he 's going to fall asleep right there on a bed of soft wool , and he 's not going to cry once . I 'm not so sure about that , but who knows ? Would the son of God cry like normal babies ? Or is he too righteous for that ? He 's not too righteous to kick , that 's for sure . He 's quite an active little bugger . ( I hope that 's not blasphemy - sorry , God ! ) I have to tell him sometimes , " I 'm not your war horse , and I 'm not going to gallop for you ! " I think he 's just getting impatient to come out and get on with it already . It seems like most of the scandal has pretty much blown over now , thank God . These women are just so excited bring the baby into the world , they don 't even mention how it all started . They 've been giving me all sorts of advice on herbs things to make me more comfortable , and at least four of them have offered to be my midwife . I told them all I want my mom to do it . Everyone keeps asking what we 're going to name the child if it 's a boy or if it 's a girl . We haven 't told them we already know it 's a boy and we already picked a name . I just feel like we should keep it to ourselves for a while . I know , it 's silly … I mean , it 's a common enough name ; it was the name of Moses ' successor , the one who marched around the walls of Jericho . The name literally means " Jehovah saves , " or just " savior . " That 's not so unusual ; a lot of people name their kids after some part of God 's character , but it feels different this time . This isn 't any ordinary baby named after a Scripture hero . This is the one who is going to be the greatest hero of all time . I ' M MARRIED ! Mary , daughter of Aaron , has become Mary , wife of Joseph . It all happened so fast , I can hardly believe it ! Mom had been going crazy with planning the past couple of months . Luckily we 'd been talking about plans ever since Joseph proposed , so she already mostly knew what I wanted . I only wanted one bridesmaid , my cousin Rebekah , who has been my best friend since we were little . Her gown was light blue with a deep purple sash , and the cake was large enough but not enormous , trimmed with purple frosting roses . The day before the wedding Mom had all the younger cousins in our family run around Nazareth picking flowers , and they made beautiful bouquets for me and Rebekah and garlands to decorate the synagogue . The most important part , though , was of course my dress . Every since I was little I 've wanted to wear my mom 's dress on my wedding day . I used to play dress - up in it , but we hadn 't pulled it out of its box in years . So as soon as I got home , Mom pulled me into her room and got it out . We were both so nervous it wouldn 't fit , but , thank the Lord , it did ! We only needed to hem it a little bit , and it was perfect . It 's the most exquisite thing ever , with tiny flowers embroidered all around the sleeves and neckline . Yesterday morning was the big day . I woke up early , as soon as the sun came in my window and made me squint . Mom made breakfast cakes with sweet syrup for my last meal in their house . Then she helped me brush my hair and twist it back on the sides , with a few little wisps falling around my face . I pulled the dress over my head and let Mom tie the sash around my waist . Then I tucked fresh flowers in my hair and put on my veil . It was long and gauzy and fell down almost to my waist in front and to my knees in back . It felt like I was wrapped in mist . Surprisingly enough , we all held it together just fine all morning . I was actually doing just fine until I started walking down the aisle clutching my dad 's arm . I saw Joseph standing at the other end , looking like he could hardly breathe . I saw his eyes sparkling at me , and although we hadn 't said one word to each other yet , it was as if I could read all his vows there already . For better or for worse , in sickness and in health … At that moment , it didn 't even matter that I was specially favored by God and pregnant with the Messiah and all that . I was just a girl marrying the man of her dreams . And then again , God was so there . I could almost feel him smiling down on us . There was so much love in that room - from God , from me and Joseph , from all our family and friends - I swear I thought my heart would burst right there in the aisle . So Joseph kissed the bride . For the first time ever , in front of everybody . The carpenter and his pregnant virgin bride . It was absolutely surreal , and beautiful , and perfect , and strange , and magical , all at once . We 've kissed since then , of course , but there can only be one First Kiss . That 's something I 'm going to remember forever . Joseph and I went home after that . Since we kind of had to get married so quickly , there wasn 't any budget for a proper honeymoon , so we just went straight home to the house Joseph built . I honestly don 't mind , though . Who needs a beach , really ? We 've got each other . No matter what weirdness happens next , or what people say , Joseph and I have got each other . And just by that simple fact , I feel like I 'm flying . There 's only one downside . Joseph and I talked about it , and we decided that the Messiah being born of a virgin like it says in Isaiah means he has to actually be born from someone who 's still a virgin . So … we 're going to hold off for a while . It 's going to be difficult , but we don 't want to take the chance of messing anything up . You know what , though , we 're still together . Forever and ever , till death do us part . And tonight I get to fall asleep tucked under my husband 's arm ! Guess what I 'm doing right now ? I 'm packing ! I 'm going home ! Joseph - MY Joseph - has come to take me home ! This afternoon I was sitting with Elizabeth . She was just starting to tell me again about that passage in Isaiah when Joseph showed up . We 'd left the door open for a breeze , and as soon as I saw him coming I jumped up and started to run to him , but then stopped myself . What was he doing here ? As soon as he saw me , though , he started running . His whole face lit up and he charged into Elizabeth 's house and grabbed me and swung me around . I couldn 't believe it . I was laughing , and he was laughing , and Elizabeth was laughing , and he swung me around at least four times before putting me down . ( Thank goodness , because I was starting to feel nauseous . This morning sickness thing has been so much fun . ) I introduced Joseph to Elizabeth and her eyes twinkled as she shook his hand . Then he grabbed my hands and looked me in the face . His eyes were so intense , even more than the day he proposed . " Mary , I have come to ask your forgiveness for not believing you . I never should have doubted your word ; walking away was the stupidest thing I 've ever done . But God has revealed the truth to me , and now I 've just come to say this : If you 'll let me , I will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life , and I will try my best to be the father this baby deserves . I wouldn 't blame you if you just sent me home alone , after all I 've put you through … but I really do want to take you back to Nazareth with me , as my betrothed . If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance … Mary , will you marry me ? " Elizabeth announced , " Well , this calls for a celebration ! I 'll get the cake I 've been saving for Sabbath . I don 't think God will mind . " So we sat around Elizabeth 's living room eating cake and Joseph told us how God had revealed the truth to him . He said that after he had broken off our engagement , he was heartbroken and angry - at me , at the other guy , and most of all at God . He did a lot of yelling at God , out in the same field where I had encountered that crazy peace . Then he started thinking about what to do . Breaking off the relationship with me was only step one . He still had to go to my father in private and formally end the engagement . People take betrothal so seriously that breaking it off is pretty much the same as divorce . But still , divorcing me quietly was kinder than exposing me to public humiliation and maybe even stoning . How about that - even in breaking my heart Joseph tries to be honorable ! " Then one night - I had a dream , " Joseph said . " At least I was asleep , so it must have been a dream , but I 've never had a dream so real in all my life … I saw you , Mary , with your stomach big all around . You were dressed in white and had a veil over your face . I saw you smile at me through the veil , and I saw myself standing next to you with our hands resting on your stomach . We both looked so happy . There was something just right about it . " I heard a voice behind me saying my name . I turned around , and I swear - it was an angel , just like you saw ! I can 't even describe it . The light was so bright ! He said , ' Joseph , do not be afraid to take Mary to be your wife . For it is by the Holy Spirit that she has conceived . She will have a son , and you will name him Jesus , because he will save his people from their sins . ' " I almost started crying all over again . Elizabeth quietly handed me a tissue , but I just held it in my fist , determined not to need it . Joseph continued . " I woke up with this total confidence that everything was going to be okay . Then all of a sudden I had this rush of joy as I realized - I could marry you ! I was so excited I couldn 't sleep the rest of the night . I 'm sorry I didn 't come earlier . I wanted to take you home right away , but your dad convinced me that we needed to have the wedding as soon as you came back , so of course I needed to have a house to take you to . So … I 've spent the last two and a half months building us a house , " he announced proudly . " Well , I found a fixer - upper that just needed some work , " he amended . " And it needed a nursery added on . I finished early this week , and I couldn 't wait any longer . Your mom 's been making all the wedding plans , and we 're getting married in two weeks ! " So now Joseph is sleeping in Elizabeth 's front room and I 'm finishing packing . We 're leaving early tomorrow , so I really should sleep , but I 'm way too excited to sleep . I 'm going home - and I 'm going to marry Joseph in just two short weeks ! I think Elizabeth is the wisest person I have ever met . All these years married to a priest , and without kids to keep her busy , she 's pretty much made God the focus of her entire life . My favorite times during the couple months I 've been here have been just sitting with her and talking . The other day I asked her about the Messiah . Elizabeth explained to me that the prophecies show two different pictures of the Messiah . The first is the " warrior king " idea . Daniel had a vision of the Messiah being crowned king and all the nations of the earth serving him . He will rule forever and his kingdom will never be destroyed . David wrote in the Psalms that he will rule over his enemies , crush kings and judge nations . It 's a pretty violent passage . This is the picture I hear talked about the most in the synagogue . Israel is really hurting right now . We 've been under the thumb of the Romans for so long that we are desperate for the Messiah to come and save us , now more than ever . My dad talks about the Messiah overthrowing tyrants like Caesar and Herod . He gets that fire in his eyes like every Jew does when we talk about the Messiah 's never - ending kingdom . The prophets also talk about another picture of the Messiah , the " suffering servant . " Zechariah talks about him being gentle and humble . But that 's just the tip of the iceberg . There 's a whole chapter in Isaiah that is just weird . Honestly … it kind of scares me . I spent all afternoon yesterday reading it over and over . I hope I 'm missing something , because I can tell you right now that I 'd rather die than let my baby go through this stuff . It says that he will be " despised and rejected , " and " oppressed and afflicted , " and then it goes on to talk about him being killed - it looks like willingly . How is this the same person as the " warrior king " ? " God has promised to rescue his people through the Messiah . You can bet that he will keep his promise . Whether this Messiah that you carry will be born with a sword in his hand to defeat the Romans and set up a palace in Jerusalem , or whether he will be killed like a helpless lamb , God 's salvation will be accomplished through it . " She reached out and put her hand on my knee . I was gripping my stomach and fighting back tears . " There will be pain , my precious Mary , for you in a very special way , but it will all be for the best in the end . God 's glory will shine through . " I love Elizabeth . She helps me believe that I 'm not crazy and God is really doing something big here , bigger than he 's ever done before . Her faith helps my faith stay strong . The first thing Elizabeth did when we got inside after my little spontaneous Psalm was sit me down on a chair with a cushion and bustle around to get me some food and a drink . We sat down together and over bread and fruit I explained the whole story , about the angel and the Messiah and the virgin in Isaiah . When I said that the angel said my baby is the " holy Son of God , " Elizabeth startled me by laughing out loud and tilting her head back with her eyes closed . I couldn 't help laughing with her . She rested like that for a few moments with a little smile , then looked back at me and said , " Well , go on , dear . " I told her about what happened in the field . She just smiled softly , and I realized I didn 't have to explain what it was like … somehow , she already knew . I told her about how my parents reacted . I got choked up when I told her about Joseph . She moved over next to me and gave me a big , long hug . I started crying for real . Surprisingly , it wasn 't even awkward . She just held me until the tears stopped . About seven months ago , it was Zacharias ' turn to burn incense in the temple , in the Holy Place - the room just outside the Holy of Holies , the most sacred room of all . He went inside to perform the ritual , and he didn 't come out for a long time . The other priests were getting worried . They were debating over how illegal it would be to send someone in after him , when he finally came out . He seemed to be in shock . He was gesturing and moving his mouth , but no sound was coming out . The other priests eventually realized that he had seen a vision . When Zacharias came home , he gave Elizabeth a kiss , then immediately sat down and wrote a long note explaining what had happened . He said that he had seen an angel and that Elizabeth was going to have a baby , with some sort of special mission from God . His voice had been taken away because he didn 't believe the angel at first . He hasn 't said a word since . Sure enough , Elizabeth got pregnant soon after that . She was well past fifty but had never had a baby before . All the other women used to feel sorry for her , to be so old and never a mother . She laughed when she told me that now she loves to parade her fat , round belly around town ! What a pair we make , the two impossible mothers - to - be ! It 's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands , who will be able to share pregnancy with me and also help me sort through some of my spiritual questions . I 'm at Zacharias and Elizabeth 's house now . It was a long four days ' travel , but what happened when I got here totally made up for all that . First the angel , then the field , now this … I feel like I 'm drowning in God - amazingness . I got to Elizabeth 's house and knocked . I stood there waiting for someone to come to the door , and I started to get nervous and wondered if I had the right address . I was fumbling around in my bag for the directions Dad gave me when the door opened and Elizabeth stood there , looking very pregnant . She looked a little confused , and I realized she didn 't recognize me . I smiled and said , " Hello , Elizabeth ? I 'm Mary , your cousin from Nazareth . " All at once her face lit up , and she grabbed her stomach . She laughed out loud and pulled me into a huge hug . " Mary , Mary , I can 't believe it ! " she said over and over . Then she pulled back , grabbed my hands and announced very excitedly , " God has blessed you more than any other woman ! He has also blessed the child you will have . Why should the mother of my Lord come to me ? " I could feel it wriggling and kicking inside of her . I grabbed her hand and put it on mine . The baby is of course too small to feel yet , but it didn 't matter . We both knew it was there . Then something - I don 't really know what - came over me . I was suddenly just so aware of God 's goodness and glory . It was almost like what I felt in the field , except instead of words going into me , there were words coming out of me ! And they came out as a song ! Out of nowhere , I started singing this song that was like a Psalm of David , right there on Elizabeth 's doorstep ! It went something like this : Even right now as I 'm writing this , I 'm overwhelmed all over again . God is so good . I am completely humbled by the way he honors me and remembers his people . Dad finally talked to me last night . He came in while I was getting ready for bed . He asked me what happened , so I told him the same story I told Mom . He gave me a long look , and then asked me if I was sure that was the absolute truth . I said yes . He reminded me that I 'd been in danger of stoning , and even short of that , my engagement would also be in danger . My dad is such a dad . He didn 't say " I told you so , " he just gave me a big hug . I let him hold me tight as I rested my face against his chest . I needed that . After a while , he pulled back and said , " Mary , you know I love you and don 't want to see anything hurt you . But you need to understand , this is not just going to go away . When people find out … things are going to get ugly . Even if they don 't stone you , you 'll likely be completely shunned . " I tried again to make him understand . " And I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . But Dad … This is the Messiah we 're talking about . This has to happen . It won 't be easy , but God 's going to protect me . I mean , I 'm part of his plan now . " After a moment , he looked back at me and said , " Anyway , I talked to your mom about it , and we want to make this as easy as possible for you . We think it 's time you paid a visit to your cousin Elizabeth . Her husband Zacharias is a priest at the temple in Jerusalem . They 'll be able to take care of you for a little while . " I was startled . I hadn 't told anyone yet what the angel had said about her , that she was pregnant after years of not having kids . " For how long ? " I asked . " We might be able to send her up when your time comes . But , sweetie , think about it … the town isn 't exactly going to be on your side here . Those nine months are going to be very difficult for you . Best to come back once you 're … looking more yourself . " Meaning , once you no longer have the scarlet letter expanding your belly like a balloon . So I 'm leaving . Tomorrow . Dad gave my one day to pack while he makes the travel plans , and then tomorrow I hitch a ride with some friends up to Elizabeth 's house , near Jerusalem . Her husband is a priest in the temple there . I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I know my parents mean well , but I can 't help feeling like an exile . I didn 't even do anything wrong ! Must I be punished for obeying God ? The past week has been horrible . It feels like God broke my heart and then abandoned me . I don 't know how to trust him right now , but I know it my gut that I have to . It 's the only thing I can do . Joseph 's gone , my parents are half - convinced I 'm crazy … the only one I have left is God . Except it feels like he has also deserted me . GOD ! You can 't do this to me . You have no right . Aren 't you supposed to be taking care of me here ? What about all that " plans to bring you a hope and a future " stuff ? How is this bringing anyone a hope and a future ? This isn 't what I signed up for . As a matter of fact , I didn 't sign up at all ! I wanted to just marry Joseph , live in Nazareth close to my parents , have kids someday , and basically live a normal life with the man I love . Then that first day when you chose me , I knew it would change everything , but … not like this . It wasn 't supposed to be this way . I just don 't understand . I know that you have a plan , but I feel so lost not knowing what it is . Can you at least promise me - and I mean PROMISE ME - that it will all be okay ? I keep saying I trust you , but I 've reached a breaking point , and I 'm not sure anymore . I do want to trust you , though . I really do . If anyone in the universe deserves my trust , it 's you . The honest truth is : I am scared , confused , and just plain lonely . God , I need you again . I need you like I did that day in the field . I need you to help me trust you . Give me faith . So right now , God , this is me making my decision . I choose to trust you because I believe you know what you 're doing . I don 't get it , but I trust that your plan is better than mine . I want my parents to believe me . They 're my parents ; they 've always believed in me . I hate the thought of going through this alone . But even if they don 't … I 'm going to be okay . I have God on my side . He won 't leave me hanging . And then there 's Joseph . I 've been avoiding him . That was probably a really bad idea , but I don 't know how to tell him about any of this , the pregnancy thing or the Messiah thing , and I can 't stand the idea of hanging out with him while acting like nothing was wrong . After talking with Mom , though , I realized I couldn 't put it off any longer . God was with me when I talked to her , and he will be with me when I talk to Joseph , too . I don 't know how I 'm going to get through writing this . I just used up a whole box of tissues . This is , without a doubt , the worst day of my life . So here 's what happened . I bumped into Joseph about half way . I hadn 't seen him in a while , and for a second he kind of took my breath away . Those strong , tan woodworker 's arms , the quick smile , those sparkly eyes that always make my heart light up … I remember thinking , Is it bad to say that my fiancé is freaking hot ? ! As soon as Joseph saw me , he wrapped me up in a big hug . He smelled like Old Spice and sawdust . He mumbled into my hair something about how worried he 's been , and he missed me , and is everything okay … and all I could do was hug him tighter , because I didn 't know if he was ever going to speak to me again after I told him the truth . I realized I was crying and babbling , which were two things I had definitely not planned on doing , but at least it had gotten his attention . Joseph took my face in his hands and said , " Of course I believe you . I love you , Mary , and nothing you can say will ever , EVER make me hate you . " Immediately , I felt him tense . He froze with his hand in mid - stroke . He slowly pulled backwards and looked at me with a face I had never seen before . It was like stone , and it scared me . When he finally spoke , his voice was hoarse . " Nothing ! " I took a step forward . " I love you , Joseph , and I swear by the God of our fathers that I have been faithful to you . An angel appeared to me , and at first I could hardly believe it myself , but it 's true . This baby is sent straight from God . He will be the Messiah to save all of Israel . I have been chosen , Joseph . " I felt the tears leaking out again . Abruptly , he took my face in his hands . They were warm and rough . " No no no , listen , listen - I love you , Mary , and we can work through this if you only tell me the truth . I promise , it will all be okay . So please , just tell me - what happened ? " Oh , Joseph ! My heart melted and I thought about giving in . I could just tell him it was a boy from school , or a soldier passing through town . I could confess to betraying the man I love in order to keep him mine . It would be so easy . Joseph had promised to forgive me . He would protect me , and marry me , and raise the baby as his own . Maybe that 's what God intended all along . But - no . NO ! I could not betray the God who had so blessed me . I could not deny what he had done . I could not bring this holy baby into the world under a lie ! Joseph took his hands down and turned away from me . My face suddenly felt cold . He stood with his back to me , his strong hands clasped behind him . " Is that your final answer ? " He nodded , and his voice turned formal , but he couldn 't hide from me the shaking underneath . " I 'll keep my promise , Mary . I could never hate you . But I can 't marry someone who will betray me and then lie to me . " God , why ? ? Why must the greatest miracle the world has ever known cost me so much ? Before all this happened , it was like Joseph was my own personal miracle . I didn 't ask for anything more . Why did you give me Joseph only to take him away ? He was the best thing in my life , and now I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out . Are you really going to leave me to raise your son alone , as a single mother ? God ? I trusted you , and I stayed true to you , and this is how you repay me ? Yesterday we were in the kitchen together , and I guess I was smiling and humming as we chopped vegetables . I could hardly help it ; I 've been in such a good mood ever since what happened in the field last week . It 's as if I see God everywhere I look , and I 'm so aware of him all the time . I still can 't believe what 's happening to me - that God reached down from heaven and touched me ! It 's like David wrote : " When I look at your heavens , the work of your fingers , the moon and the stars , which you have set in place , what is man that you are mindful of him , and the son of man that you care for him ? " Anyway , Mom saw me randomly smiling at the carrots and she started teasing me , " Can 't you even make dinner without daydreaming about that fiancé of yours ? " I laughed , but I had to admit to myself that I hadn 't even been thinking about Joseph right then . Then I started thinking , It 's not fair that I don 't tell her about this . She 's my mother , she deserves to know . But - what if she doesn 't believe me ? I 'm going to look like the most wacked - out liar … God , help me . Let her trust me . She 's my mom , I can 't bear for her to condemn me . " What do you mean , you didn 't do anything ? You went and got yourself pregnant , Mary , what were you thinking ? You 're an engaged woman , you couldn 't wait a few more months ? Does Joseph know ? " I sighed and put one hand protectively over my stomach . " The angel said my son would be the King of Israel . I 'm supposed to name him Jesus . The power of God came over me ; I don 't even know how it happened , but Mom , my baby is the son of … of God . " There it was . I 'd said it . Now not only would I be stoned for adultery , but I would also be dragged before the priest for blasphemy , or shipped off to a mental hospital . Or all three . Even as I imagined that future , though , I couldn 't be scared . As I told my Mom what the angel had told me , I realized that I really , really do believe it . God has his hand on me . He has chosen me . The baby inside me , this boy that I will name Jesus , will be the salvation of Israel . God won 't let anything happen to him , or to me . He is God 's appointed Messiah . God 's own son . The angel said that my son will be a great king . That 's got to mean the Messiah . I 've heard the prophecies a million times . He will be a descendant of King David , just like the angel told me . That makes sense ; my dad always said our family is descended from King David . The Messiah will rule the world and make all people fear God . We have been waiting for him for centuries upon centuries . What would it mean for me to be the mother of a great king ? Will I have a special position in his court ? Will he be too busy saving the world to spend time with me ? I will have to leave Nazareth , of course . There 's no room for a palace around here . I wonder if he 'll be embarrassed to come from such a humble family ? When the newspapers interview him and ask about his background , I wonder if he 'll be ashamed to say his mother was a poor girl from Nazareth , and that his whole birth was a total scandal ? It boggles my mind to imagine it , my son as a great king . I don 't know the first thing about royalty . I know even less about this kind of royalty , the kind sent from God to rescue Israel and set up a kingdom that will never end ! We 're in all new territory now . I guess all I can do is trust one day at a time . This baby inside me and his whole life are in God 's hands . I was out in the field just taking a walk , and when I was sure that no one was looking , I started rubbing my hand on my stomach . I know it 's way too early to feel anything yet , but just the thought that there was a tiny life growing inside me brought butterflies . Then when I imagined who this baby is , the Messiah , the son of God , Immanuel , the prophesied king of Israel , I started having a royal freak - out session . I sat in the dirt hugging my knees and hyperventilating , just shaking all over . All I could do was rock , cry , gasp - and pray . I prayed harder than I ever thought I could . I begged God to help me . I begged him to let my family understand . I begged him to tell me why . I almost begged him to just take this away . I cried out to him like David not to leave me alone in this - to help me have faith . And then something happened . It came like a warm breeze , caressing my shoulders and wrapping around my body . It was peace , comfort , and so much love , more love than I had ever felt in my life . I felt held and protected . I felt like the hand of God was holding me , like his arms were wrapped around me and his voice was whispering in my ear . All the promises of Scripture I had ever learned came flooding back into my mind . It was as if he were saying to me personally , " For I know the plans I have for you , plans for peace and not for evil , plans to bring you a hope and a future . Don 't be afraid , for I am with you . Don 't be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " Slowly I felt the trembling melt away . Instead of fear I felt only peace and trust . Faith . Assurance . I still don 't know why on earth God chose me , and I still have no idea what 's going to happen . I have no more answers than before , but now I know that I am not alone . Whatever happens , my God will be with me . He promised to be . I found a verse in Isaiah that I think is talking about me . Now there 's a crazy thought . Hundreds of years ago , God 's prophet was telling Israel about me . Immanuel - I looked it up and apparently it means " God with us . " Wow . I 've always seen God as pretty distant . I mean , I know he loves his people and hears our prayers , but he 's … God . In heaven , far away . Or in the temple , in Jerusalem . And we 're just lowly humans . We 're not even allowed to speak his true name . If God could be really with us . . . I mean really really really WITH us . . . that would be something new altogether . Needless to say , I 'm thrilled and honored that God chose me for this , but there are two things that are worrying me . One is … I 'm fourteen . I 'm pregnant . And I only just got engaged . Anna down the street got pregnant last year . She was hardly older than me , and definitely not married . Everyone whispered for days , and then … she disappeared . I haven 't seen her since . Some people say they stoned her to death . I can kind of understand that , actually . It is in God 's law . God told Moses that if an engaged woman is caught having sex outside of marriage , " Take them both to the town gate and stone them to death . You must get rid of the evil they brought into your community . " That isn 't exactly what happened to me , of course , but when my belly starts showing , what are they supposed to think ? I notice that nowhere does it say , " unless the woman got pregnant without having sex . " Yeah , that would have been helpful . Listen to me . My life is hanging in the balance - not to mention the whole future of the world - and here I am making jokes . It 's a miracle I 'm still holding it together at all . Then there 's the other thing . I 'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me like I 've always wanted to be loved . I love him too , with all my heart and soul . If I tell him about this , it will break his heart . When I accepted that ring , it was as if I was marrying him already . I made a promise . I said that I would be only his till death do us part . He believed me . What will he think when he finds out ? He 'll think I lied , that I was just playing with his feelings . He 'll think I never loved him as much as he loves me . He 'll think the whole time we 've been together was just a big lie . But it 's not like that . I do love him . I meant all the things I said . I have never lied to him once , not once . He gave me his heart , and now I 'm about to break it . But what else can I do ? God , I hope it 's not selfish for me to pray for myself when you 're busy arranging the salvation of Israel here . But please , let Joseph understand . Let him still love me . And please , don 't let my parents stone me to death . Remember your promises to Israel . Help me to stay faithful to you no matter what happens . Amen .

He had just pulled into his mother 's drive way when his younger sister Megan burst out the front door . " You 're finally here . " his sister shouted , her voice full of excitement . " I need you to take me to the bank , my birthday present from grandpa and grandma finally got here today . " Yesterday was Megan 's 16th birthday . His father 's adoptive parents had no children of their own and while they and their whole family were farmers , not exactly a lucrative business , they had made many wise investments over the years and were very well off . Each year , he and his two sisters each received a check for $ 1000 and a gold American Eagle coin for their birthdays . Which was why his sister needed to go to the bank . Of course , he thought , we aren 't exactly hurting for money ourselves . Between the survivors benefits from his father 's military and police pensions , plus his father 's life insurance policies and his father 's own shrewd investments , his mother would never need to work a day in her life . She volunteered for a number of local charities to have a reason to get out of the house and do something ; which was why she wouldn 't be home for a couple of hours yet and his sister was waiting for him to take her to the bank . He took his sister to the bank and waited in the lobby while she deposited the check and then went back to the safe deposit vault to put the gold coin away . While his sister was in the back , three large men in black trench coats and ski masks burst through the door . They all pulled out guns and two of them shot the two guards in the lobby before the guards had a chance to pull their own guns . They herded the customers and bank employees into a corner of the lobby while one of them took one of the teller 's behind the counter to empty out all the cash drawers . For whatever reason , they were ignoring the hallway back to the vaults for the moment . While the cash drawers were being emptied his sister and another guard started to come back out from the vault area . His sister was wearing her headphones , listening to her iPod and not paying much attention to anything . The gunman behind the counter saw the guard and Matt 's sister before they saw him . He turned and leveled his gun at them . Matt swore silently to himself . From the angle his sister and guard were at to the gunman behind the counter , the gunman was going to end up shooting the guard through his sister . Of the two gunman guarding the people in the lobby , the one closest to Matt had also turned to face the approaching guard . Matt took his chance and took off running towards his sister , intent on tackling her out of the way . He was terrified that he wasn 't going to reach her in time . He was still several strides from his sister when he heard gunshots ; but they sounded wrong , distended as if played at half speed or he was traveling away from them at high speed . The entire bank seemed to lurch and he tripped and fell , his hand missing his sister 's arm by inches . Matt wasn 't sure how long he had been down , if it was just seconds or minutes but there was no sound at all , no gunfire , no shouting , screaming or crying . When he stood up , the first thing he noticed was that his sister was still standing , seemingly uninjured . He started yelling at her to stop being so oblivious to her surroundings , that she needed to be more careful because he wouldn 't always be there to save her . Then he noticed that she was completely motionless , not even the small involuntary movements like blinking of the eyes . His awareness spread and he noticed the bullet caught in mid - air as if in a high speed photograph , mere inches from his sister 's head . Even the shock - wave created by the bullet was itself visible and frozen in place . He looked around the bank and noticed that everyone in the bank except for himself was motionless , several people caught in unbalanced mid - step positions that no one could maintain for any significant time . Both of the other gunmen had also fired , one at him and the other at the guard . Although his sister wasn 't in the way of that shot , both additional bullets were frozen in the air ; along with their shock - waves . He went to the front of the bank and looked out the window . Everything and everyone outside the bank was likewise frozen , as far as he could see . There were several police vehicles with officers frozen in the middle of getting out . He could see several birds frozen in mid flight . Something in the back of his mind told him that time had stopped for everything except himself . He went back by his sister and very carefully touched her . She wasn 't hard and unyielding as he expected . She felt completely normal . He picked his sister up and moved her back several steps so she was out of the bullet 's path . Then he reached out with one finger and touched the bullet . There was some resistance but the bullet shifted slightly . To his surprise the bullet 's shock - wave moved with it . A voice in the back of his mind told him that , if he moved the bullet it would maintain it 's momentum relative to itself . He had an idea which was both ingenious and vindictive . He took the bullet and moved it so that it was behind the gunman who had fired it . He shifted the teller slightly , just in case the bulled passed completely through the gunman . He then repeated the process with the other two bullets and gunmen . With the bad guys taken care of , and the good guys and bystanders safe , Matt 's mind started to focus on his predicament . How long was this going to last ? Was he stuck permanently in a frozen world ? With no way to answer his questions , he started to look around . He saw a ball sitting on one of the loan officer 's desks . He picked it up and tried to toss it in the air . As long as he was touching it the ball felt and moved normally , but as soon as it lost contact with him it froze in place . He grabbed the ball from the air and tried it a few more times . He picked up a cup of coffee off of another desk and dropped it . Again , it froze in mid air as soon as it wasn 't touching him any more . He moved back towards his sister and the guard . Matt checked the time on his cell phone , and ran through events in his head . He figured that around half an hour had passed since the world froze . Suddenly he felt a strain in the back of his mind , it felt as if a muscle he didn 't even know he had was suddenly reaching it 's limit . He felt something snap and things began to move again as time resumed its forward march . Gunshots rang out , people screamed , the gunmen fell and the police swarmed into the bank . The police found the gunman each mysteriously shot in the back . They searched the bank for any more gunmen . Satisfied that there was no further danger , detectives began to question everyone in the bank . When Matt and his younger sister got home , their mother was home and she greeted them with hugs . They assured their mother that they were alright . Their mother had dinner ready and after eating , Matt was feeling exhausted so he went to his room and went to bed . Matt woke the next morning feeling refreshed . After breakfast he went out to an area along the side of their garage where he wasn 't visible from the house or from the neighbors . He had enough space there to bounce a tennis ball off the side of the garage and he liked to do this when he needed to think about something when he was home . Matt was certain that he caused the time freeze and he needed to figure out how to activate it at will . He reviewed his memories of events at the bank . He found that there was a tug in the same part of his mind , when time froze , as he felt the strain in when it started back up . He tried thinking several commands at that part of his mind without any luck . Finally he concentrated on an image of pulling something with that part of his mind . Bingo , the world froze , catching his tennis ball mid throw . He tried to push with the part of his mind that activated the freeze and the world started moving again . Matt looked at the time on his cell phone . He had used up a good chunk of the morning . He went back in the house and encountered Megan getting ready to go out , probably to the mall with her friends . He noticed that she had her iPod but the headphones were just around her neck and the volume was much lower than she usually had it . He asked his sister about this change . This answer bothered Matt quite a bit , but it wasn 't until Megan had been gone awhile that he realized just what about the statement bothered him . It was a very close restatement of what he had said to her in the bank the other day before he realized that time had frozen . The statement was also very out of character . She hated it when he tried to protect her , which is why he tried not to most of the time . She simply would not have included the part about him not being there to protect her if it had been her own thought due to the robbery . What he had said to her had affected her thinking and she wasn 't even aware of it . This was a new aspect to his power that he was going to have to test and experiment with carefully . Matt told his mother that he was going to go to Sylvan Beach Park for the afternoon , it was late in the season being early October ; but on the gulf coast of Texas things were still warm enough for an afternoon at the beach . There might not be a lot of people on the beach but there would be plenty of people in the park . He put on a pair of swimming trunks that could double as shorts , a tee - shirt and a pair of sandals , tossed a beach towel and a beach chair into the back of his car and headed over to the park . It was close enough that he could have walked if he hadn 't wanted to take the beach chair along , but he was more out to observe people and test his new powers than to sun himself or go swimming . As Matt parked his car at the parking lot nearest the beach , he noticed his sister Megan and her boyfriend in the next row up . She was unloading picnic supplies from the trunk of her boyfriend 's car and loading him down with them . Her boyfriend was one of the player 's from the high school football team ; but he was a nice guy and intelligent , unlike a lot of the jocks around . He almost felt sorry for the guy , Megan was as much , if not more , dominant than Matt was himself and both had inherited their father 's command presence . Matt wistfully remembered his father . He had been a career Marine officer before a non - crippling injury forced him to retire from the Marines to avoid a desk job . He moved them out here to La Porte Texas and joined the Harris County Sheriff 's Department . A few years back his father had died in the line of duty rescuing a young girl from a professional kidnapping ring . A few times he stopped time and tried some things he figured would be innocuous , an itch on the arm or leg here , a command to raise an arm there , even commanded one kid to hop on one leg for a few seconds . It all worked , but none of it was anything beyond the realm of coincidence . Matt got a little braver and picked out a tall guy around his own age with red hair . Matt stopped time and walked up to his chosen victim and whispered in his ear " You will run out into the water until the water is up to your waist . The whole time you are running out you will scream at the top of your lungs that your hair is on fire . Once in waist deep water you will stop running , but will continue screaming that your hair is on fire until you have said it six times . Finally you will dunk your head in the water . " Matt walked back to his chair and re - started time . Everyone on the beach turned and watched as his victim did exactly as instructed . A lifeguard came over and made sure that the guy 's hair wasn 't on fire , then went back to his post . Half an hour later , an older woman , a MILF in her late thirties / early forties came by , laid out a beach towel not 4 feet from Matt 's chair and laid down for some sun bathing . Matt decided to try something a little sexual this time . He stopped time and went over and told her " Your nipples itch , you will pull your bikini top down below your breasts and scratch your nipples for 30 seconds . When you finish scratching them , pull your bikini top back up in place . You will then realize that your pussy itches . You will reach down and put one hand in your bikini bottoms and finger yourself until you orgasm . " He restarted time and watched as the woman followed her instructions to the letter . No one else on the beach noticed until she came . The woman turned out to be a screamer , oops . That got the attention of others near by . The woman got dirty looks from a couple of mother 's that had young children at the beach , but while she blushed nicely , she ignored all of the stares and dirty looks . It was getting on in the afternoon and the MILF had finally left . Three girls around 17 years old came walking down the beach , animatedly gossiping amongst themselves and not particularly watching where they were going . They practically tripped over Matt and started yelling and screaming at him for not getting out of their way . They were crude and vulgar and were making quite a scene , but despite being fairly pissed off at their behavior he tried to ignore them . The girls finally moved on . After a while they started picking on a young boy no older than 12 . They were teasing him with crude sexual innuendo and vulgar insults . The girls behavior was only making Matt madder . A 15 year old girl came over and tried to help the boy . It quickly became clear that the boy was her brother . The older girls turned their attention to the younger girl . Matt saw a man coming over and from the look of concern on his face guessed that he was the father of the two younger kids . Before the father could reach them , one of the older girls made a grab for the younger girls bathing suit . Matt stopped time and rearranged things so the older girl would miss . When the father arrived on the scene he confronted the older girls ; but one of them said out loud , but not loud enough to carry far , " Help this man is trying to rape us . " The father got the point and beat a hasty retreat with his kids in tow . The three girls were laughing their heads off . Oh they thought that was fun , did they ? Now Matt was really pissed off . He stopped time and told all three of the girls to lay out their towels and go and play in the water for a while . When he restarted time they did as told . Once they were up to their waists in the water he stopped time again . Matt went out to them and removed each girl 's bikini . He then told all three girls " You will each know that all three of you have lost your bikinis and are now naked , but outwardly you will act like you are all still wearing your bikinis . You will start yelling and screaming and splashing as if you are having a great time while doing everything you can to draw attention to yourselves . In five minutes you will come back up on the beach , still making as much noise as possible and drawing as much attention as possible . You will go over and lay down on your towels to tan for a while . You will continue acting as if you are still in your bikinis and make no effort to cover yourselves until at least three different people have complained about you being naked . The first time you will respond as if you don 't believe the person . The second time you will respond with both disbelief and indignation . After the third time you are confronted about being naked you can start acting normally . " Matt walked off the beach over to the far side of the picnic area and tossed the three bikinis in the trash there . He then went back and re - started time for the last time of the day . The three girls started attracting a lot of attention . People started to stare and point as they realized that the girls were nude . Still nobody said anything to them . People looked at the girls and around at the others on the beach . No one was sure what to make of the girls behavior and it was clear that no one wanted to be the one to make the first move . Finally the girls were back up on the beach and laying down . Still no one acted . Five minutes passed and finally an old lady walking by and shouted at them to put some clothes on . That was one . Another five minutes passed and one of the mothers with small children came over and started yelling at them , complaining that one of her kids has seen them . The girls responded with insults . The young mother stalked off and went over to the lifeguard station and got the attention of one of the life guards . The lifeguard came over and started yelling at the girls that if they didn 't either put something on or get off the beach he was going to call the cops . That was three and the girls were now free of his commands . They screamed and jumped up wrapping their towels around themselves and fled . On Sunday , Matt 's older sister Ruth came out to spend the day with her family . Ruth was four years older than Matt 's 19 and she was a Nurse , working in one of the hospitals in Houston where she had an apartment of her own . Ruth was an incorrigible cock tease . She had been teasing him in sexual ways since he hit puberty . Matt wished she would find a boyfriend she could keep for more than a week or two , maybe then she would stop teasing him every chance she got . Sunday was a nice day and the family spent most of it out in the back yard . Matt took his laptop out in the backyard and was intending to use it to do some general research on super powers . But he took a moment to look at his family . At 6 foot 5 inches Matt stood a little over a foot taller than either mom or Megan , who was just a bit shorter then their mother . Ruth on the other hand was taller , only 6 inches shorter than Matt . His mom was from Greece and had classic Greek features , olive skin and black hair , which she kept long and straight . Megan took after mom in looks for the most part , except for her hair , which was copper colored from their Irish father and looked exotic against her otherwise Greek features . Megan had her hair at a mid back length and generally kept it in a pony tail . Ruth 's hair was shoulder length and sandalwood blond , which like Megan , she generally kept in a pony tail . All three women had knock - out hourglass figures . Ruth as usual spent most of her time striking sexually suggestive poses aimed at Matt ; who tried to ignore her , as complaining would only encourage her . At one point she deliberately dropped something directly in front of Matt and then bent at the waist to pick it up . She was wearing a short sun - dress and it rode up enough as she bent over to give Matt a good look at her tight fitting red thong panty , which showed a pronounced camel toe . By the end of the day Matt 's research had been quite productive . He found information of course on the Texas Rangers super squad based out of Houston . They were the best known supers locally . They were Mr E , Sensor , Sniper , Valkyrie and Zoom . He found no references to anyone with time manipulation powers . He found two recent news articles that were of interest . The first was about the bank robbery he and his sister had been caught in . The case had police , the Texas Rangers and the FBI all baffled . The three robbers had somehow each managed to shoot themselves in the back . At this point they were assuming the intervention of an unknown super hero vigilante . They had no clue as to the powers or identity of said vigilante and the case was being put on the back burner . The other news story was about an attempted robbery at an Infinity Labs energy research facility east of Huston by the super villain Grendel . Grendel was super strong and nearly invulnerable , but he was psychotic and not particularly bright . His crimes generally involved assault , murder and property damage . Grendel had been captured during the robbery attempt by Mr E , Valkyrie and Zoom . Authorities were baffled as to why Grendel would suddenly attempt a high tech robbery and were assuming at this point that there was some mastermind that Grendel was working for . Grendel however wasn 't talking , so evidence as to who was behind it was slim . One site on the origin of super powers in particular drew Matt 's attention . It gave the origin of super powers as what it termed the " Spark of Divinity " . According to this site , there were real entities behind the ancient pagan gods and that many of these entities somehow interbred with humans . Every once in a while the traces of DNA in the human genome that come from these entities will become concentrated enough to produce an individual with extraordinary abilities . The site referred to these individuals as Sparks . It called those who carried some of this divine DNA , but not enough to have actual powers , " touched " . The site on the Spark of Divinity had the simplest explanation for the rise in the number of people with super powers in modern times . It claimed that as humanity became more mobile through the industrial revolution and population in general rose , Sparks and the touched have shown an extraordinary ability to find each other . It also mentioned unconfirmed rumors that various clans world wide , that carried the Spark , ran inbreeding programs with the intent of producing more Sparks . Matt was leaving his history class . The professor , Ms Rohn had handed back a test from the previous Friday . The grade on his test was only a C , even though all of his answers were technically correct . Ms Rohn was a militant feminist , the kind that believed that all men were inherently rapists . He had asked around and found out that she had a habit of arbitrarily down grading the scores of all of her male students . Apparently she was so extreme with the militant feminism , that even most of her female students were put off by it . The former dean of the history department had tried to correct the grades of some of her male students and Ms Rohn filed a law suit for sexual harassment and discrimination against the university . From what Matt had heard the suit was completely baseless , but someone in the state government intervened and forced the university to settle the suit . Since then the university administration has been afraid to do anything about her . Matt had attempted to get out of the class early on , but there were no other sections of that course open this semester . So he was trying to muddle through , even though it was going to bring down his grade average . With his new powers , Matt decided he was going to do something about Professor Rohn ; but that would have to wait , he needed to come up with something special for his revenge . Matt needed some advice . He was very aroused by the thought of a woman who would do anything he wanted ; but at the same time , the thought of accidentally turning some woman into an automaton that could only do his bidding was repulsive to him . He needed to talk to someone about his abilities and how to use them , but he wasn 't ready to talk to his family . He needed someone he could trust . Then it hit him , Molly , Molly Risinger . He and Molly were childhood friends , her father had been under his fathers command . Then when Matt 's father retired from the Marines and moved to Texas , Molly 's father came along . The two had joined the Harris County Sheriffs Department together . Molly 's mother had been a psychologist , so Molly had picked up more than just a little knowledge of psychology . Molly was in the robotics program , where Matt was in the computer science program , but Molly was taking psych classes and intended to declare a minor in psychology . This gave her knowledge that would be helpful to figuring out how best to use the mind control aspect of his powers . Just last year at the beginning of their senior year of high school , Molly 's parents had been killed in a car accident caused by a drunk driver . The drunk turned out to be an oil heiress . Molly 's brother , who was a couple of years older , had taken off for Alaska the year before ; so Molly was left alone with no family . Several sheriff 's deputies got together and hired Molly a lawyer . The suit was settled quickly due to the publicity and Molly was sitting on a trust fund that contained a not so small fortune . Despite a requirement for freshmen to live in the dorms , Molly , because of her wealth , was able to afford an apartment off campus on top of the dorm fees . Which added the extra benefit of someplace private for him to talk to her . Matt and Molly were very close friends , though nothing romantic had ever developed between them . They still got together regularly to study , so he knew her class schedule . Neither of them had any classes on Tuesday . He knew she would be getting out of class right about now ; but he also knew that she saw a psychologist on Monday nights , so tonight wouldn 't be a good time to spring his news on her . He did however , call her up and arrange to get together with her at her apartment on Tuesday morning , telling her that he had a secret to reveal and needed her advice on it . Tuesday morning arrived . Matt put on knee length shorts and a tee - shirt and after having breakfast in the student union , he stopped to get a few supplies . Proving the mind control would be fairly easy , but he needed a few props to prove the time stopping . He got to Molly 's apartment building at 10 : 00 and rang her door bell . She buzzed him in and when he got up to the apartment she opened the door . The first thing he saw was her shoulder length strawberry blond hair which she kept straight . He saw her hair first because , like his mother and younger sister , she was a good foot shorter than he was . As usual she was wearing a formless sweater and a formless calf length skirt and flat pumps . Matt had spent enough time around her to have a good idea that she would be absolutely stunning if she dressed better . Molly invited him into her living room . She indicated for him to sit in a reclining chair and she sat down on the sofa facing him . " So , " she asked , " what is this big secret you have to tell me ? " Suddenly Matt was nervous . He was scared that she would be upset and freak out . He decided to risk just a little mind control on his best friend . He stopped time and without getting up , told her to remain calm no matter what he said , at least until their conversation was over . He restarted time , took a deep breath to calm himself and said , " I have discovered that I have super powers . I can stop time and as a side effect control peoples minds . " He went on to describe the events at the bank , his sisters reactions and the ' research ' he conducted at the beach . Molly sat there unsure of how to react , it was just so out there . " I don 't think Matt would say something like that just to pull my leg , ' she thought , ' but still I am going to need some proof . Hey , wait ! Why am I thinking about this so calmly ? Since the beginning of puberty , all of my wet dreams and sexual fantasies revolved around being the victim of a mind controller and some of them got pretty extreme . Growing up , Matt had been this tall lanky youth but in high school he filled out , turning into someone who looked like he belonged on the set of ' 300 ' fighting for the Spartans . I had tried to drop a few hints to him regarding hypnosis but he never seemed to take the hints . I hadn 't had the courage to do anything more . Now he just told me that he has mind control powers and I am just sitting here calmly thinking about how to respond . He 's probably worried that I would freak out and try to run away and so used his power to make sure I stay clam . OK , proof of mind control powers check . I need to reassure him , but this will take some explaining . ' Molly started to speak , " Matt , please understand I am not upset , but I have already figured out that you used your mind control to keep me calm . My natural reaction to what you just said wouldn 't be much of a problem for you , but it 's probably better that I stay calm for this . Before I explain why my natural reaction wouldn 't be much of a problem I want to ask you a question . From your perspective , why has our relationship never developed in a romantic direction ? " Matt had almost panicked when Molly said she knew he gave her a command , but then the rest of what she said sank in and had him curious and feeling a bit predatory and he didn 't understand why he felt predatory . " Molly , " Matt began , " we have been very close friends since childhood , but it isn 't fear of losing that friendship on my part that kept our relationship from going further . Looks aren 't the problem either , I am very sure that you would be drop dead gorgeous if I could get you out of all those formless clothes you wear . The truth is , what I am looking for from a woman , for that kind of relationship , would be considered a bit extreme by most people and it 's something I haven 't seen in you . I am looking for a submissive woman " . Matt 's answer almost had Molly panting despite the command to stay calm . Mind control powers , she thought to herself , and he wants a submissive woman . Oh have we badly misjudged each other . On the other hand this is likely to get quite fun moving forward . " I am submissive , but I am not a traditional submissive . Do you remember back in high school I tried to get you to go to a few hypnotist shows with me ? " " I can understand why you couldn 't see the submissive in me . " Molly said . " My submissive tendencies are almost all directed into a mind control fetish , specifically me being the victim of a mind controller . In fact , some of my fantasies get very extreme . You have always been my favorite person to put in the role of mind controller . When I wanted to go to the hypnotist shows with you , I was trying to drop hints to give you a few ideas . " At this point Matt was grinning broadly . " I want you to tell me three of your fantasies , the ones that you consider the most extreme . " he told Molly . " I , I don 't think that 's a good idea . " Molly stammered . Then she saw Matt blink and she suddenly felt a strong need to tell him , to get them off of her chest . He 's done it to me again , she thought to herself , I don 't know how much longer his command to stay calm will hold . " OK fine , have it your way but I am warning you , I have told these to my psychologist and some of them made her sick to her stomach . " " My third most extreme fantasy , " Molly said , " starts with me waking up in a laboratory of some sort . I am laying on a lab table of some kind , I can 't move my arms or legs . I can hear two men talking , I can 't yet quite make out what they are saying at first , but I know the one is training the other . I turn my head in the direction of the voices . I see my body on another table , it has been dissected . My skull has been opened and they have removed my brain and have it hooked up to some kind of machine . The two men are at a computer terminal next to my body . I realized I have been turned into a sex - bot . They run me through a series of exercises to test my physical and sexual responses , including fucking me in all three holes . Finally I am packed into a crate and shipped to a sales facility . " Molly blushed and said , " Now you know why I got into robotics . " " My second fantasy , " Molly continues , " I have been captured by a drug cartel as revenge against my father for arresting one of their people . I have been put through weeks of intense brain washing , using a combination of drugs and hypnosis , so that I will obey any command no mater what the consequences . I am forced to have sex with animals for their amusement . All kinds of animals are used : dogs , horses , bulls , pigs , goats , even zoo animals , primates , tigers , an elephant . I have to have all kinds of sex with the animals : sucking cock , rimming their asses , French kissing them , fucking them with my ass and pussy , on my hands and knees , on my back . One dream I had with this fantasy even had me giving oral sex to female animals . " Molly paused for a moment and thought to herself : ' He 's changed the command to be calm . I can 't get off the sofa , but I am definitely not calm anymore . Far from calm , I am getting aroused telling him these fantasies . ' Matt was smiling as she paused , he could tell the fantasies were having an effect on her , she was starting to squirm in her seat . Molly started to continue her tales . " For the most extreme fantasy , I am kidnapped by a man using some kind of mind control device . He takes me to his home and turns me into his slave , not just a sex slave but a toilet slave . He forces me to drink his piss directly from his cock and to eat his shit directly from his ass . He somehow uses his mind control to make it so I can 't vomit his piss and shit back up . I am given no food or drink except for piss , shit and cum . Eventually he brings in a small group of friends for a party of some sort and I am forced to serve all of them both as a sex slave and a toilet slave . " After finishing the last fantasy and despite being aroused nearly to the point of orgasm , Molly put her hands in her lap , hung her head and started to cry softly . Suddenly she was aware of Matt standing over her . He asked , " Why are you crying ? " Molly managed to respond " Because now you think I am a sick disgusting freak . " without looking up . That got Molly 's attention . Without looking up she started to pay attention to what her hand was feeling . She realized it was his cock . She was feeling his cock through his shorts . It was hard and hot . It felt like an iron bar warmed up and wrapped in velvet . Her hand didn 't touch either the tip or his balls . Her hand traced his cock up to his balls then back down to the tip . When she finally found the tip , she did some quick math in her head . ' Oh my god , ' she thought , ' his cock is around 9 - 10 inches long and almost as big around as my wrist . No wonder I have never seen him in anything other than knee length shorts , even for swimming . If he wore regular shorts , and got a woody , his second head would peak out . ' Molly finally looked up at Matt , smiled and responded " No it doesn 't . " She continued with enthusiasm , " Make me your slave . Please be my puppet master . " Matt gave Molly a grin that made her feel like a rabbit being stared at by a wolf and said , " I would love to , but I am worried about the unintended consequences of what I might do ; possibly leaving someone without any free will at all . That isn 't what I want . Beyond even that , what can I do with my powers without becoming either a ' superhero ' or a ' super - villain ' ? " Molly thought for a moment and said , " I have a significant interest in psychology and hypnosis and have studied them both . I can help you devise some basic scripts that can be used to control people without breaking their free will , that will force them to willingly alter their behavior . " She paused a moment then continued , " I also have a few ideas on what to do with your powers . I will help , if you agree to make me your slave . I would also like to see you demonstrate your ability to stop time . " " I can agree to your offer , but I won 't officially make you a slave until the scripts are finished . We can start to talk about that part over lunch . Before that however , I did have a plan for something to prove I can stop time . " Matt said . He thought to himself , ' This is going to be a bit more fun than I originally planed , given Molly 's confession . ' Aloud he said , " Take this stop watch . When I say go , start the stop watch . When I say stop , stop the stop watch . Between those two I am going to make some changes to your apartment . After I tell you stop , I will give you a sealed envelope that contains a list of everything I changed . You will then have 30 minutes to go through your apartment and figure out what I changed . Write everything down on the outside of the envelope and when you 're done , we will see how many you got right . " Molly took the stop watch and waited . " Go " Matt said , " Stop " . She started and stopped the stop watch . She looked at it , less than a tenth of a second . That was just her reaction time . She looked up and he was holding out an envelope and a pen . She took both items . He pulled out a timer , set for 30 minutes and started it . Molly felt a breeze . She turned and found the window open . The corner of her eye caught the picture of her parents that she kept hanging by the apartment door . It was upside down . She looked around , but she didn 't see anything else amiss in the living room so she went into the kitchen . In the kitchen , Molly immediately saw that the table had been set for two . She looked around for other changes , but didn 't see anything obvious . She checked the cabinets , cupboards and drawers and came up empty . She checked the fridge . Bingo , she could tell that something had been changed , but it took her a couple of minutes to figure out what . He had reversed everything in the fridge left to right , creating a mirror image of what she expected to see . She moved on to the bathroom . The first thing she noticed was that the toilet had been wrapped mummy style with toilet paper . This was convincing . One of the top speedsters might have been able to do everything she found in the living room and kitchen , but the toilet paper simply wouldn 't have stood up to being handled that rapidly . Then she looked at the mirror " Love = Obedience " had been written on the mirror . He likely would have written something else , had it not been for her own confession . She started to turn away from the mirror but something about her reflection in the mirror drew her attention back . She looked in the mirror again , she saw her fair skin , large breasts and pale pink areola / nipples , then she looked down at herself . ' I 'm naked , ' she thought , ' oh my god , he must have made me not notice until I looked in the mirror . ' She blushed and giggled thinking , ' Well if I am going to be his sex slave I have to get used to him seeing me naked . ' Molly moved on to her office / den . She searched the entire room and only came up with one thing . The books in her book case had been reversed left to right like the contents of her fridge . She continued to look around , but didn 't notice anything else amiss . This bothered her , but she was forced to move on when Matt announced that she was down to 10 minutes . Finally Molly entered her bedroom . Nothing was obviously amiss except that the closet door was open slightly . She went over to her closet and opened the door . Her chin dropped in shock . Almost her entire wardrobe was simply gone . All that was left was three knee length skirts , three very sheer blouses , two knee length sun - dresses , a fetish school girl costume , which she had bought for last Halloween and then chickened out of actually wearing , and two pairs of 4 inch high heeled Mary Janes , one with a stiletto heel and one with a chunky heel . Molly sat there staring at her closet thinking to herself , ' OK , he didn 't like my wardrobe . Most guys didn 't . I know I have a great figure and good looks beyond that . Most guys would drool if they really saw me . That has been the problem . I have had to dress to hide my looks to get most guys to realize I have a brain too . Of course I have to change the way I dress if I am going to be a sex slave . Oh well at least he left me a few outfits to wear until I can go shopping . ' Feeling a mix of fear and excitement , Molly approached her dresser and started going through the drawers . Most of the clothes in the dresser had vanished as well . Molly took a quick inventory of what she had left . All of her bras and pantyhose were gone , as were her pajamas and nightshirts . She still had all of her knee high socks and the four pairs of thigh high stockings she almost never wore . Finally she got to the drawer she kept her panties in . To her surprise it wasn 't completely empty . There were two pairs left . They were basic cotton panties in a French cut . One was white and the other yellow . The white pair looked damp and the yellow pair looked soaking wet . She picked up the white pair first . The panties had a thick white fluid on the inside which was soaking through the front panel . ' It 's cum , his cum ' , she thought . She was tempted to taste it ; but , without realizing what she was doing , she refolded the cum soaked panties and put them back in the drawer . Then she picked up the yellow pair . As she 'd thought , they were soaked . As soon as she brought them up to look at them closer , she was hit with an acrid odor . ' Piss , he pissed on my panties . ' she thought . She shuddered and wasn 't sure if it was from fear , disgust or arousal . Again , without realizing what she was doing , she refolded the piss soaked pair of panties and put it back in the drawer . She checked her bed and night stand , but found nothing else out of place or missing . She turned to leave her bedroom and go back into the living room to give Matt the envelope with her list on it . She paused in her bedroom door way as she realized what she had done with the two pair of soiled panties . ' Oh God , ' she thought , ' he is going to make me wear them like that . ' She shook for a moment as fear , arousal and nausea fraught for supremacy in her mind and body . She walked up to Matt who was still in the living room and handed him the envelope . As he took it , she stood on her toes grabbed the back of his head and pulled him down into a scorching kiss . Their tongues did battle for a couple of minutes before Matt finally pulled back . " There will be plenty of time for more of that later , but for now let 's see how you did on my little game . " he said . Matt opened the envelope and withdrew his list from it . He then compared her list to his . " Not bad , " he said , " you only missed one item . " He showed her the two lists . His list showed that the clock in her den / office had been set back half an hour . She went and checked and it had in fact been set back . When she came back from the den Matt said , " I called and ordered pizza for lunch while you were searching the apartment . It should be here any minute . Go put on the blue sun - dress , a pair of thigh high stockings and the white panties and the chunky heeled shoes . " " Yes Sir . " Molly replied . She went into her bedroom and got the panties out first . She bent over and held them open while she stepped into them . Then she took a deep breath and pulled them up . She shuddered in arousal as the cum soaked panties made contact with her pussy . She got out a pair of stockings and put them on , then retrieved the specified pair of shoes from the closet and put them on . The door bell rang as she was walking over to her closet to get the sun - dress . She pulled the dress over her head and then went into the kitchen .

Point one … anyone could end up in a wheelchair at any given point in life . If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me what I was doing in a wheelchair , I might be able to afford a better wheelchair . It seems everyone feels the need to stop a young - looking person and ask that question . They ask the question in a way that makes me feel like they think wheelchairs are for the elderly or that I don 't need it . First of all , I know children and babies who are not able to walk and have to have mobility aids , so people need to accept that wheelchairs , walkers , crutches , canes , etc . come in multiple sizes , so they can be used by people of all ages and sizes . Second , wheelchairs are not comfortable and I would not be sitting in it if I didn 't need it . As for what I 'm doing in a wheelchair … if you have to ask the question , expect a smart alec remark . I 've been told there is no such thing as a stupid question , but if you have to ask what I 'm doing in a wheelchair , I 'm going to make you feel stupid by either telling you the obvious " moving from one place to another " or if I 'm in a really good mood I might say something like " I 'm flying to Mars … can 't you tell ? " If you don 't want my smart alec answer , don 't ask the question . Point two … being in a wheelchair does not make me lucky . I 've been told on several occasions by able - bodied people that I 'm lucky to be in a wheelchair because I don 't have to walk everywhere . What they don 't seem to understand is I was an active energetic teenager when CRPS took over my leg . I enjoyed volleyball , softball , hiking , and dancing . Oh how I 'd love to go for a hike or run and play with my nieces and nephews . While a walk around the park might not make my legs and feet tired and sore , it definitely takes its toll on my shoulders and arms . It 's also a struggle to keep sores from forming from thru pressure on the bottom of my hip bones . Now don 't misunderstand me , I 'm not complaining . I may not see being in a wheelchair as a sign of luck , but my wheelchair is a blessing . My wheelchair makes it possible for me to go to the grocery store , doctor appointments , and church . While I can 't partake of many of the activities able bodied people enjoy , I celebrate the fact that mobility aides make it possible for me to leave my bed , move about the house , and occasionally visit a family member or friend . Point number three … people can 't control whether or not they get a chronic illness and everyone isn 't going to be cured . I don 't know where this idea comes from , but many people make comments that make it seem as though my chronic illnesses are something I 've chosen or caused and I should be able to easily fix them by changing my diet , exercise routine , etc . Let me assure you , I did not choose the pain and other side effects of CRPS and I did not choose the vomiting , nausea , and pain of gastroparesis . Both of these are chronic illnesses that even the doctors are not sure why I have them . It 's not that I don 't have enough faith or that I 'm making unhealthy choices . It 's just something that happened . For those who think I need to have more faith , I wish they could be me for a day . My faith is just as strong as it ever was , but I 'm willing to accept that God might have bigger and better plans for my life with CRPS and gastroparesis . Many people look at chronic illnesses negatively , but I 'm willing to face the challenges life throws my way and make the most of the hand I 'm dealt . Sure , I could easily crawl into a dark hole of despair and hopelessness or I can accept my body the way it is and enjoy life to the best of my ability . It may not be the life I chose , but I get to choose how I live it . I have days that I get down , but I can 't let myself stay in that dark place . I must choose to be happy . Point number four … vomiting in public restrooms is disgusting . It never fails when I get up the nerve and feel well enough to venture out to an event , that people notice how much weight I 've lost and start pushing food my way like they think I 'm starving and need to feed myself better . I explain that I can 't eat a lot of foods because I have gastroparesis and I will vomit if I eat too much or the wrong kinds of food . It 's not that vomiting in front of people bothers me , it 's that the thought of vomiting in a public commode grosses me out . I know people who squat because they are afraid to sit on public commodes . For those of us with gastroparesis , if we need a commode , it 's not our bottom that 's sitting on it . I don 't touch the commode when I vomit , but imagine sticking you face close enough to a commode , that hundreds of people have used , to vomit and vomiting so hard that it splashes back in your face . Those self flushing commodes make it even more of a challenge . If you 've ever used one that 's extra sensitive , you know what I 'm talking about . If you are sitting on a self flushing commode that is extra sensitive , it flushes almost nonstop and sprays water on you . If your vomiting and it is flushing , that water hits your face instead of your bottom , throwing vomit and germs back at your face and hair . Personally , I find that too disgusting . I 'd rather eat in the comfort of my own home , where if I get sick I have my own private commode to vomit in . In the event that I 'm going to be away from home and need to eat , I carry small trash bags ( sold in both the pet and baby sections at Walmart ) . I can vomit in them and throw them in the trash . Seems much more sanitary to me than sticking my face where everyone else 's backside has been . Point number five … looking good and being healthy are not one and the same . I appreciate all the kindness I 'm being shown . I know I 've lost a lot of weight and I am no longer obese … when anyone loses fifty pounds it is noticeable . I really appreciate all the comments about how I 've lost so much weight , how I look so good , and how my color is good , but I wish people would try harder to understand what I 'm going through . While I probably needed to lose some of that weight , I get tired of being told how good I look and being asked what I 'm doing to lose weight . I 've finally learned to be honest . At this point in life , I have little control over my weight . I eat multiple small meals a day , but my stomach often rejects them . I 've lost the weight because gastroparesis has starved it off of me . When I tell people " I 'm basically starving " , I get this look that says , " You couldn 't really be that sick " and then I hear one of my favorite phrases , " Well , your color is good . You don 't look sick . " I must admit sometimes it makes me feel like screaming . Being complimented for being sick seems a little odd to me . Mom says people make her feel like she 's lying about how sick I really am because I don 't " look sick " to others . There were a couple of weeks before my picc line was put in that no one saw me . Well , one of my aunts did stop by to visit and saw what I looked like . When I answered the door , she looked like she had just seen a ghost . I wasn 't just sick . I was very sick . I knew something was happening to me , but didn 't know what to do about it . My body was turning grey and my skin could be formed like play dough or clay . It would hold the shape I formed it into . My aunt later told me that I did not look good that day when she stopped by . She had been very concerned . My color may be good now , but it 's because I 'm getting IV fluids through my picc line daily at home with dextrose and potassium added to it . It 's hard to get people to understand that my IV fluids are what maAs I 've heard many others with chronic invisible illnesses say , I 'm not looking for pity . I 'm just asking people to be more understanding . Yes , I am aware that my chronic illnesses are invisible . It 's hard to convince people that it 's real and not just in my head . Most of the symptoms associated with CRPS and gastroparesis are invisible . Other 's cannot see pain or nausea . Unless you see my leg on a day that it 's swollen or purple and cold or are nearby when I vomit , which is sometimes as many as twenty times a day , you may not realize I 'm even sick , just by looking at me . If you have a family member or friend living with a chronic illness , I encourage you to learn what you can about their illness . Learning a little will show them you care enough to want to understand them and their condition better . We aren 't looking for pity , we just need people to try to understand , to encourage us positively , and to care . Posted in Complex Regional Pain Syndrome / Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy , Gastroparesis , Uncategorized Patient 's Patience Posted on March 10 , 2017 by Deborah I 've been trying to remind myself all day to be a patient patient … which would be someone who is able to tolerate delays in their medical care . Living with CRPS and gastroparesis , I 'm used to playing the waiting game . I waited for doctor appointments and tests to be scheduled . Then I waited for results to be available . I waited years for both diagnosis to be made . Then I waited while treatment plans were made . Then I waited for insurance approval . Then I waited for appointments to be scheduled . Waiting is something that those of us living with chronic illnesses often get tired of doing . For the past year , I 've had a picc line and home health care to run daily IV fluids to help offset the dehydration caused by my gastroparesis . However , yesterday changed that . Yesterday morning , my home care nurse had come out to change my dressing / bandage and draw blood for labs . When she flushed the picc line after drawing blood from it , fluid shot out . I thought the saline solution had come out at a spot it 's not supposed to . However , the nurse thought she had not tightened the extension on tight enough . She has a nursing degree and it happened so fast that I wasn 't really positive where the fluid had come out , so I took her word for it that everything was okay . She went ahead and flushed the picc line and everything seemed okay . Later yesterday evening , I flushed the picc line again and started my IV fluids . My wheelchair kept being wet and I didn 't know why . After about ten minutes of trying to figure it out , I discovered that my IV fluids were dripping out on me rather than going into my body . I stopped the fluids and clamped the picc line so nothing else could leak out . I 'd had a hole in the IV tubing a few weeks ago and blood had backed up the picc and dripped out in the floor , so I knew I had to get it clamped off before blood started backing up . I called my doctor , but couldn 't get the person on the phone to understand that I knew where the liquid was coming from and it was the picc malfunctioning . The person on the phone kept telling me my extension just needed to be tightened , but I knew the liquid wasn 't coming from there . They told me to call my home care nurse to come out and look at it . So , I called the home health nurse . She didn 't have to come out . She knew what my picc line looked like because she cleans and dresses it weekly . I was able to describe where the liquid was coming out and she knew my picc had a problem she couldn 't fix , so she told me to go to ER . After sitting for three hours in the ER waiting area because the place was swamped , I finally got to see a physician 's assistant around 9 last night . She said they would have to flush it to see what the problem was . Ding ding ding . I was the winner . When they flushed the picc line and the liquid came back out exactly where I said it was coming out . Sometimes I feel like doctors , nurses , and others in the medical field think we the patient don 't know anything . I 'd had the picc line for a year , I knew there was a problem . The spot where the liquid was coming out was in the middle of the part they put in my arm , it wasn 't where the extension screwed on . So , ER put in a regular IV access and ran my IV fluids for me . My fluids have to be run over four hours , so I was in ER until 2 : 30 this morning waiting for the fluids to run in . I needed the fluids and was thankful they ran it for me . When they started to release me , they went ahead and pulled the broken picc line out , so I didn 't have to deal with a broken picc . They gave me orders to call my doctor when they came in . I called this morning as soon as it was time for the doctor 's office to open . Luck was on my side , or so I thought . Someone actually answered the phone instead of it going to voice mail . Unfortunately the person I needed to talk to wasn 't in . She wouldn 't be in until around eleven thirty today and I would only find that out by calling again two hours later . As I said , I 'm used to the waiting game . When she returned my call around one she said she would see what she could do about getting me scheduled to get a new picc line put in , but it probably wouldn 't be until sometime next week . As I sit here typing this it 's almost eleven p . m . I 've been vomiting all day and have no way to run my hydration fluids . I may end up back at ER before the weekend is over for fluids . I 'll just have to wait and see how everything plays put over the next few days . I have the fluids . I just don 't have an IV access site to connect them to . So , the waiting game continues . Some people say I 'm just not aggressive enough when I call . I realize that the person on the other end of the line is working with more patients than just me . They are human and need to be treated with respect also . I 've waited as patiently as I can . I only called and spoke with someone at the doctor 's office five times today . I wasn 't just calling to see what they were doing , I had questions about how to survive the weekend . I have a very strong dislike for weekend emergency room staff and try to avoid weekend and holiday trips to ER if at all possible . I was just trying to make sure I have the best weekend possible . So , I 'll continue to wait and pray that the weekend passes without any issues requiring immediate medical attention . They are definitely trying this patient 's patience . Posted in Uncategorized Making Memories Posted on March 2 , 2017 by Deborah For me , March 2 is a day already filled with memories . Today is my Dad 's birthday . I 'm thankful that I was blessed with good parents , who care about me . I could write a book on the things we did together as a family when I was a child . We enjoyed time spent together around the family dinner table each night and hours together camping , hiking , and cooking over an open fire . We built snowmen , went sledding , made snow angels , and had snowball fights . We fished and went swimming . There were only five years between my brothers age and my youngest sisters age . Being so close in age made it easy for us to do things as a family and we built strong bonds along the way . Five years ago , March 2 , brought a major change to everyone in our town . An EF3 tornado came through , leaving a big mess behind . The people of our community didn 't just sit down and give up . We worked together to clean up , heal , and rebuild . Our town still has scars from that night , but we are still moving forward . I feel like it 's our duty to honor the lives lost in that storm by moving forward and refusing to give up . Today , I decided to make a few new memories . March 2 is celebrated in many schools across the country because of Dr . Seuss ' birthday . I visited the school where my niece and nephew attend and read the book , " Oh , the Places You 'll Go ! " to both of their classes . I rested all week so that I would feel like going today . The trip may have worn me out , but it felt good to be able to do something nice for someone else . So many people do things to try to cheer me up and make my day a little brighter . The smiles on the children 's faces made my tiredness worth it . For me , every day of life I 'm given is a time for making memories . I 'm learning to take time to stop and enjoy the small things in life . I think my chronic illnesses are teaching me not to take things for granted because we don 't know what tomorrow holds . We can 't change the past and we don 't know what the future holds , but we can enjoy the present . Posted in Uncategorized Rare Disease Day Posted on February 28 , 2017 by Deborah The last day in February is designated in many places as " Rare Disease Day . " It 's a day to raise awareness with the general public and law makers of the many rare diseases and the struggles those living with these diseases face on a daily basis . If you or someone you know is living with a rare disease , I encourage you to speak up and help raise awareness in your community . I also encourage you to contact lawmakers and encourage funding for rare disease research . Those of us with rare diseases deserve the same care as those living with common illnesses . We must stand up for ourselves . We must continue to share our stories and encourage others to do the same . A disease is considered rare in the United States if it affects fewer than 200 , 000 people . However , if all people with rare diseases are grouped together , we wouldn 't be considered rare . Roughly one out of every ten people , ten percent , has been diagnosed with a rare disease . For more information about Complex Regional Pain Syndrome and other rare diseases , you can visit the National Institute of Health 's rare disease page here . Posted in Uncategorized Impossible Posted on February 23 , 2017 by Deborah Living with chronic illness , I 'm always looking for inspirational sayings … things to hang on my wall to keep me motivated and moving forward , even when I don 't feel like getting out of bed , which seems more often with each passing year . Today I came across a piece of wall art that simply stated , " Nothing is impossible . The word itself says I 'm possible . " I 'm not sure where this quote came from , but I have to get that print or make my own . Living with multiple chronic illnesses , life isn 't always easy . As I 've mentioned before , some days it 's easier to just stay in bed . However difficult things might get , I now find myself being reminded that " nothing is impossible . " It may take me longer to do certain things than it does other people and I may break simple tasks down into even smaller tasks to make them more manageable for me , but I still believe I can do anything I set my mind to . For example , a normal person may throw their laundry in to wash . As soon as it gets washed , they put that load in the dryer and throw another one in the washer . When the dryer buzzes , they put the dry clothes away . For me , laundry is an all week event , and that 's for just one load . I wash the laundry and try to dry it the same day . I don 't like to let the clothes be wet too long because they can get a sour smell and begin to mildew . Just these two small tasks wear me out . So , the clothes usually go in a basket or are hung over something and left there for a few days . Eventually , I begin putting things away . One day I 'll work on folding clothes that go in my dresser . On another day I 'll hang up the clothes that go in the closet . Some weeks , I just don 't have any energy and I end up wearing the clothes from the pile without ever putting them away . As I lay here typing this post , there is a laundry basket in the living room with clothes in it . The basket has been sitting there for weeks and I really don 't know what is in it . It will eventually get emptied and things put away … just not today . So , when you are tempted to look at a task and declare it impossible , step back , take a deep breath , and hear the task say , " I 'm possible . " I may no longer be able to do things the way I once did , but I know that all things are possible . I may not be able to walk or eat right now , but that doesn 't mean I 'll always be like this . I haven 't given up because I know all things are possible . Posted in Creativity , Gastroparesis , Uncategorized , Valentine 's Day Valentine 's Day - I Love Dum Dums ! Posted on February 14 , 2017 by Deborah Valentine 's Day … a day known for love . Statistics show that an average of 13 , 290 , 000 , 000 is spent annually on Valentine 's day with the top five gift categories being candy , flowers , cards , jewelry , and dining out . It 's hard for me to imagine what a stack of 180 million Valentine 's Day cards would look like , but that 's the average number handed out each year . Two of the top five gifts contain food . Dinner out usually isn 't a great gift for people with gastroparesis , so I suggest you ask before booking a table in advance . This year , I received a thoughtful gift from my sister . She had bought chocolates , suckers , rice crispy treats , etc . and put together goodie bags for the children at church . When she was finished , she had candy and snacks left over . As silly as it might sound coming from a 36 - year - old , I 've spent more money this year on Dum Dum suckers than I 've spent of food . Although I had surgery a month ago to implant a gastric stimulator to stimulate my stomach , which is affected by gastroparesis , and help move food through the stomach and into the small intestines , it takes time to get it adjusted right and I still vomit most of what I eat within a short time after eating . Suckers moisten my extra dry mouth and taste good . I suppose the sugar gives me a quick burst of energy too . It 's probably a good thing I 'm not diabetic . When I leave home , I usually carry jolly ranchers , life savers , or some other hard candy . Suckers have sticks and are a little more inconvenient . Back to my story , my sister had a pile of Valentine Dum Dum suckers left over and she gave some to me . I 've been enjoying them as a treat today . I decided that I would be creative and take a picture of the wrappers . I never realized how hard it would be to make a heart out of squares . Here is my best effort . Posted in Uncategorized Good Grief Posted on February 12 , 2017 by Deborah With a title like that , you might be expecting anything . Maybe you are a Charlie Brown fan and thought I was going to write something about the Peanuts or maybe you are grieving a loss and wonder what is good about it . I 'm here today to talk about self grief . I can see the wheels turning in some of your heads . Yes , I can se you scratching your head and asking , " What ? " In our world , grief is often defined as a deep sorrow caused by one 's death . Given that definition , one might be tempted to argue that self grief is impossible because you cannot mourn your own death . For purposes of this post , we are going to define grief as a deep sorrow caused by loss . There are many things in life that can be lost . You can lose your family member , your best friend , your house , your car , your job , your spouse , your health , your phone , your keys … I think you get the point . The list of things you can lose is nearly endless . Somethings we think are lost , but we quickly find them and realize they were just misplaced … keys … phone … tv remote . Other things are lost never to be found . How we deal with these losses varies from person to person . Over the years , I 've grieved the loss of several close family members . However , I just recently realized I 've been grieving the loss of myself , without even realizing it . When diagnosed with CRPS in 1996 and gastroparesis two years ago , I didn 't understand what was happening to me . With CRPS , I was a happy healthy teenager . I was hiking , playing volleyball , and dancing one day . Then , suddenly I was in pain and it all came to an end . Gastroparesis was a little more subtle . I started out with not being able to eat meats . Slowly other foods were added to the list I couldn 't tolerate until I reached the point where I was vomiting everything I ate . According to my research , grief counselors typically list five stages of grief : denial , anger , bargaining , depression , and grief . Everyone may not go through all these stages or they might go through them in a different order . Looking back , I can clearly see where I 've gone through all these stages . I definitely started with denial . I put on a smiley face and tried to pretend nothing had changed . When asked how I was , I told everyone I was okay , even though I really wasn 't . I guess it was just easier to say and pretend everything was okay than to face the fact that my pain was being caused by an incurable chronic illness known as CRPS . With gastroparesis , looking back , the denial phase isn 't as obvious to me . I couldn 't ignore or hide the fact that I was vomiting every time I ate and it was causing me to shed pounds really fast . I 'm sure there was a period of denial , I just can 't see it . Then , along came anger . At the time I was facing it , I didn 't really know why I was angry . I was just angry . It seemed as though even the most simple things made me angry . It felt as though I was angry at everyone and everything . Looking back , I realize what I was actually angry at was my situation . Due to my chronic illness , my life had quickly become a mess and I felt as though I had no control . I was angry that my life had changed . I was angry that I could no longer do the things I once enjoyed . I was angry because I didn 't want to adapt to my new life . Bargaining … did I ever bargain . I bargained with myself and I bargained with God . I made promises that if this happened I would do that . I think this stage and anger overlapped for me . I found myself calling out to God in anger and asking why ? Why did I have to be in pain ? What did I do ? Why does my life have to be this way ? After a while , depression began to set in . My new life wasn 't accepted by many . I was no longer the person I used to be and my friends began to disappear one by one , until it seemed as though I didn 't have any friends . For me , anger and depression also went hand in hand . My anger was often followed by crying and wanting to shut myself up in a dark room , alone away from the rest of the world . I just needed alone time to sort through my emotions , my feelings . While facing depression , I denied being depressed and tried to tell people I was fine , but the best decision I ever made was to see a psychologist . Acceptance . This is a fairly new stage for me . I only came to accept my chronic illnesses recently . I 've realized that even though my life seems like it 's been tossed in a bag and shaken up at times , it 's still my life and I have to make the most of it . I 've made that choice . I 've realized my life is a work in progress . I must choose to make the most of even the smallest accomplishment and tiniest moments of happiness . Some days just getting out of bed is like climbing a mountain . On those days , I have to remind myself that I 've accomplished something big , just by getting up . Other days , I may walk six feet with my walker or go several hours without vomiting . While these may seem like baby steps to the healthy person , they are giant leaps for those of us with chronic illness . Looking back , I can see where I grieved losing myself . Looking forward , I know some of these steps may come back . I 'm sure there 's going to be days that I get angry because my illnesses keep me from being able to do things I really want to do . However , I now see how it all comes together in the end . If you are grieving yourself because of a chronic illnesses , I assure you that your feelings , whether it be denial , anger , bargaining , depression , or acceptance , are normal . I also encourage you to join a support group . Meeting people with similar struggles , who seem to truly understand what I am going through , has really helped me accept the situation I am in . And remember that even in your darkest moments , when you feel like no one cares , there is someone out there who needs you and loves you . Posted in Uncategorized Sometimes Life Gets Messy Posted on February 4 , 2017 by Deborah It 's been four days since my last post . The past four days have been full of trials . I had surgery 19 days ago to revise my gastric stimulator . For those who haven 't been following my blog , I have gastroparesis . My stomach does not digest food and push it into my small intestines the way it is supposed to . Instead , my food sits there and I vomit it back up . My previous stimulator had raised my stomach 's ability to empty from 30 % to 70 % . That 's still not perfect , but at least I was beginning to be able to eat again . However , the gastric stimulator somehow started shocking my diaphragm , the muscle that controls breathing , and was causing me shoulder and chest pain , along with breathing issues that were causing me to be dizzy a lot . So , the doctor had to turn it off a month or two ago . This time , they went in and removed the lead wires from the front stomach wall and placed new ones in the back stomach wall . Since they put the wires in a new location , they had to turn the stimulator battery back down low and slowly start turning it back up until they find the best setting for me . Since surgery , I 've not been able to hold anything down . I 'm trying simple things like chicken broth , applesauce , jello , and Gatorade , but I 'm still vomiting . As you might imagine , I 've been very tired because I 'm not getting any energy from food . I 'm surviving though . I spend my waking hours playing online games and reading my Bible . I 've tried knitting , but I 'm having horrible hand cramps , which makes that difficult . I recently finished a month of self - care journaling and have started a February project . This month my friends at The Mighty have asked me to focus on happiness . Today , although I may be tired and I may be vomiting , I heard something that made me really happy . Now for those of you that don 't have gastroparesis , this may sound crazy , but what I heard today was my stomach growl . I can 't remember the last time I heard my stomach growl . With my stomach not emptying , I don 't get hungry and I rarely hear it make any noise . My home care nurse listens with a stethoscope and says I have the quietest stomach / abdomen she has ever listened to . The fact that I heard my stomach growling gives me hope that even though the stimulator is turned down low and I 'm still vomiting , maybe it 's beginning to help and maybe my vomiting is going to slow down . Maybe they won 't have to turn it up as high in the new location and I won 't have to get the battery replaced as often . Not only have I been recovering from surgery , I also had to deal with a stopped up picc line . Five days after surgery , I had to go to ER to see if they could get my picc line to flush so I could get IV fluids . Thankfully , they were able to put some medicine in and get it opened up . Yes , life gets messy at times . We are faced with unexpected challenges . We get tired . We wonder how we are going to get through it . However , there 's always tomorrow to look forward to . Some days are better and some days are worse . We just have to keep moving forward . Posted in Uncategorized Lost and Found Posted on January 20 , 2017 by Deborah I 'll go ahead and list both of the thirty - day journaling challenge prompts for today , but I 'm choosing to only do the creative prompt today . I had surgery on Monday to revise my Medtronic Enterra gastric stimulator and today has been a challenging day . Along with the soreness from surgery , I 've been dealing with a migraine today . I really don 't feel like making up an argument . I love writing fictitious or made up stories though , so I 'm going to do the creative prompt . Note : This is a made up story … it is not true ! All events and people described in this story are fictitious . Any similarity to any event or person is coincidental . I had just pulled my car into a parking spot , dropped some money into the parking meter , and started walking down the street , when I passed an elderly gentleman dressed in a dark grey suit and wearing a top hat . He had just left the bus stop and I noticed a shopping bag sitting there . I quickly spoke up , " Sir , I believe you may have left your shopping bag . " Sitting next to the wooden bench , where people waited for the next bus , sat a small reusable shopping bag . The bag was zipped closed . It appeared to be a thermal bag used for keeping things hot or cold . It was a light blue color with flowers on it . The flowers looked like they may have been bright vivid colors at some point , but had faded from years of use . I was interested in finding out more , so that I might be able to help reunite the shopping bad and it 's owner . I stated , " Maybe this is her bag . " Then I went on to ask the gentleman , " Do you remember what she looked like ? " Hurriedly the man explained to me , " Ma ' am , I would love to help you solve this mystery and return the bag to its rightful owner , but I 'm kind of in a hurry . You see my daughter is getting married today . I 've had today all planned out in my mind for weeks , but when I went out to my car this morning , it would not start . I hurried to the nearest bus stop a mile from my house and caught the bus into town . If I don 't go now , I 'm going to be late . " I could see the concern in the man 's eyes . He thought he was going to be late for his daughter 's wedding . " Sir , I understand . Where are you headed ? " I thought about how proud this man must have been getting ready to walk his daughter down the aisle . I knew the church he was headed to and walking , he was going to barely make it there in time . Knowing how stressed he must be , I said , " Sir , my car is parked right there , " as I pointed to my car only feet from where we were standing , " I 'm not in a hurry , I was just going to the craft shop to pick up a few items . Would you let me drive you over to the church ? " A smile came over the gentleman 's face as he replied , " Ma ' am that 's very generous , but I 'm a stranger and I couldn 't ask you to go out of your way to give me a ride . Thanks for offering to help . " With that said , the man took off walking down the street in hopes of making it to his daughter 's wedding on time . My car just happened to be parked in the direction the man was walking . I quickly followed him , opened my car door , and said , " Sir , you may not have asked , but I know how important it is for a Daddy to walk his little girl down the aisle . I 'm going to make sure you get there on time . " A small tear slipped from the gentleman 's eye as he climbed into the car . The church was only about a seven minute drive away . I wasn 't in any hurry . There was no reason I couldn 't help this gentleman out . On the way there , the man kept thanking me for giving him a ride . He explained that his wife had helped his daughter with decorating the church the night before and spent the night in town at their daughter 's apartment . He knew everyone was at the church getting ready and he didn 't want to be a bother , so when his car wouldn 't start he had hurried to catch the bus into town . He said if he had called the church someone would have driven out to give him a ride , but it was quicker to catch the bus that was already there than to wait for someone to drive out to pick him up . They were not expecting him to arrive for another twenty minutes , so he didn 't see any reason to call ahead and cause his daughter to stress over his car not starting . He said , " It 's her special day and I didn 't want her to have to worry over whether I am going to be on time to walk her down the aisle . " As I listened to the gentleman speak of his wife and daughter , I could sense the love he had for his family . As I pulled my car into the church parking area , I looked at the gentleman and said , " I pray your daughter and her husband enjoy many happy years together . " He offered to pay me for driving him there , but I refused . I pulled out of the parking lot and left . I felt warm inside knowing I had helped make someone 's day a little easier . Now , I needed to pick up the yarn I needed from the craft store and go home and get to work on the baby blanket I was going to make for a friend . I again pulled into my parking spot , dropped some money in the parking meter , and began to walk down the street to the craft shop . Just as I started to pass the bus stop , the shopping bag caught my eye . I really needed to get to the store and get home , but that bag needed to be taken care of also . I knew the bag wasn 't mine . Anything could be inside the bag , so I didn 't think I should open it . I didn 't want to be accused of stealing the bag either , so I knew I couldn 't move it . Thankfully , the bus stop was located in front of city hall . The local police station was located on the first floor of the city hall building , so I didn 't have to go far for help . I stepped inside the door and reported that there was a shopping bag sitting unattended at the bus stop . Since I was the one to report the bag , the police needed some information from me . They handed me some papers to fill out . I began filling in the blanks with my name , address , phone number … the usual stuff . Meanwhile , a group of officers had went out to investigate . Not knowing what was inside the bag , the police had to mark the area off until they had determined what was in the shopping bag . They opened the bag and declared the area safe . As the officers came back into the office , I glanced up from the paperwork I was filling out and noticed they had brought the shopping bag inside with them . The paper I was filling out asked where I had found the missing item I was turning in . That was easy , I had found it at the bus stop in front of city hall . The paper also asked for a description of what I had found . All I knew was that I had seen a light blue shopping bag , so I asked the officer at the desk if that was what I was supposed to put . He informed me that all they really needed from me was my name and contact information in case they had questions later on . He took the paper and told me I was free to go . I left the police station , went to the craft store , picked out my yarn , bought it , and went home . As I sat at home knitting a blue and green chevron patterned baby blanket for the baby my friend had recently adopted , I began thinking about my day . I thought about the gentleman I had met on the street . As I thought of him , I could still see the joy in his eyes as he spoke of his daughter 's wedding . I thought of the mysterious shopping bag , I had no idea what was inside it , but I wondered if it would ever make it back to its owner . I had wanted to ask the officer what was in the bag , but didn 't figure they would tell me because it really wasn 't any of my business , so I hadn 't asked . I thought about the baby I was knitting the blanket for . His story was as much a mystery to me as the contents of the bag . Months passed . I had finished the baby blanket and given it to my friend for her baby . I went out one morning to check my mailbox and inside I found an envelope from the local police station . When I opened the envelope , there were two letters inside . The first letter was from the chief of police thanking me for reporting the abandoned shopping bag I had noticed at the bus stop . He explained that they had been able to return the bag to the woman it belonged to . The second letter was from the woman who had lost the bag . She explained that she had taken the bus into town that day because she needed to take her six month old baby to the doctor . The baby had been running a high fever all night and she had been up all night taking care of her . She couldn 't find anyone to watch her three - year old son , so she had taken him to town with her . When she got home , she realized she had left her shopping bag somewhere , but she wasn 't sure where . So that she didn 't have so much to hold on to , she had dropped everything into that one bag . I had been correct , the bag was an insulated thermal shopping bag used to keep things either hot or cold . She had carried that bag because she didn 't know how long she would be out and she needed to keep the baby 's formula and her son 's sippy cups of milk and juice cold . Thanks to me reporting the missing bag , the police had been able to return the mysterious shopping bag to its rightful owner and the mystery of what was inside the shopping bag was no longer a mystery . As I was walking down the street , I had found a shopping bag that contained a woman 's purse , her young son 's cup of milk and cup of juice , her baby 's bottle and formula , and the medicine the doctor had just prescribed for the sick baby . In the letter , the lady kept thanking me for turning the bag in at the police station . She said the only thing in the bag she was really concerned about was the baby 's medicine . The baby had needed the medicine to help it get well . Once again , I got that warm feeling in my heart … you know … the one you get when you 've helped make someone 's day a little easier . Posted in Uncategorized Overcoming Difficulties Posted on January 17 , 2017January 17 , 2017 by Deborah Today is day one of week three , which means it is day fifteen . I 'm half way there ! The letter that came with this week 's journal prompts stated that they were going to move toward teaching us , the people journaling , to explore new options for journaling and help us to be able to journal on our own after the thirty days are up . I 'm enjoying journaling , but posting something on my blog every day is difficult . When my thirty days are over , I think I 'll transition to writing something two days a week . I 'll try to write the same two days every week , but it all depends on how I feel , so I can 't make any promises . To the followers of my blog , you only have to put up with daily posts for about two weeks . I set out on this journey and I intend to complete it . I 'm not easily defeated and I refuse to give up or give in ! Personal Prompt : Set a timer for 10 minutes . What was the most challenging part of your day ? If this is a challenge you have routinely , or one that may persist in the future , what can you do to make things better ? This post is actually a day late , so I 'll be posting yesterday 's and today 's journal entries today . It 's kind of strange that this personal prompt came up when it did . I wasn 't able to post this yesterday because I had surgery . The most challenging part of today was wearing those T . E . D . hose and inflatable things on my legs to prevent blood clots . I understood they were needed because I was having abdominal surgery and they explained with me being in a wheelchair I was more likely to get blood clots . For anyone who doesn 't have chronic pain , neither the TED hose or the things that pump up would have been a challenge . My left leg thought the hose and the pump was fine . However , I have CRPS / RSD in my right leg and it 's painful if anything touches it . The tightness of the anti - embolism stockings , along with the things over them that inflated periodically to keep blood flowing , really made my leg hurt . After waking up from surgery , I asked how long I needed to keep them on . The nurse went ahead and took them off because they were making my pain worse . It was a lot less painful to do ankle pumps , where you move your foot up and down like you are pushing the brake pedal or gas pedal in a car , than to wear those devices intended to keep blood flowing and prevent blood clots . All in all it turned out to be a pretty good day . It 's not a challenge I face everyday . I hope I don 't need surgery again for a long time . My sister says I watch old people television . I don 't watch television much , but when I do , it 's usually reruns of older shows like Little House on the Prairie , The Walton 's , Andy Griffith , and Leave it to Beaver . It would be difficult for me to be on any of those shows without it making a new version with new cast . Most of those shows are reruns from before I was born and many of the original stars are no longer living . I can imagine me on the streets of Mayberry or on Walton Mountain sitting in my wheelchair . I hate to say it , but back in those days , I would probably not be allowed to star in a TV show and if I did it would be a short clip and I would have been filmed in a back room hidden away . People with disabilities used to be locked away in a back room away from everyone else like they were a disgrace . I 'm sure glad I live in today 's world where people with disabilities are accepted as a part of the general public . Kids might smile , stare , and ask questions their parents are embraced by , but we have come a long way . While we 've come a long way , there 's still room for improvement . By sharing our stories and raising awareness of chronic illnesses , maybe we can make life a little better for those following in our footsteps .

TWO - FOR - ONE SPECIAL ! Buy this anthology in Print & get the audiobook FREE ! Having the stories read to you brings a new dimension to the book . This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only . This eBook may not be re - sold or given away to other people . If you would like to share this book with another person , please purchase an additional copy for each recipient . If you 're reading this book and did not purchase it , or it was not purchased for your use only , then please return to Smashwords . com and purchase your own copy . Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author . This story is from a collection of stories about a young boy growing up in the south . The reader sees the world through Roland McCray 's somewhat innocent and often unique views on southern culture , pastimes , and religion as he seeks to apply his values to what he sees in the world around him . Roland is seeking spiritual growth and meaning in a world that is difficult for him to understand . In the tradition of classic Americana , Roland McCray carries the reader into his world through his depth of character and vivid descriptive imagery . These short tales of Roland McCray would not have been possible without the editing assistance and advice of others . I want to especially thank Anita Young , Gail Weimont , Jerry Bryson and Paul Ellis for their encouragement and invaluable input in editing and helping me to craft these stories and Steve Johnson for tirelessly reading these stories and searching out my many grammatical errors and typos . I also need to acknowledge the encouragement and truly invaluable advice of my many writing teachers , especially author Clint McGowan and bestselling author Sherri Reynolds ( " The Rapture of Canaan " , and more ) . " The element I enjoy the most about Blaine Coleman 's novel is the wholesome Americana / Twain vibe . It takes me back to a very simple , uncomplicated time in life . Also , there are many moments that I connected with because of culture , atmosphere , and language . Roland McCray is a character that any reader can identify with . " " Blaine Coleman has a great way of storytelling that pulls the reader into a nostalgic narrative of a coming of age story that keeps the reader intrigued while taking a journey through Roland McCray 's unique perception of the world from his eyes . We see Roland 's imagination and empathy , and tidbits of insight and maturity - as he displays values in a very positive light . Roland 's innocent pathos and insight is always refreshing and he has a remarkable way of reflecting on southern culture and pastimes . The descriptive imagery is vibrant and makes for wonderful settings . In some ways Roland 's story becomes a little bit of everyone 's story . " " One imagines the birth of happiness to be accompanied by some great spectacular upheaval . One can imagine it flowering in the most luxurious setting . Yet happiness is born of a trifle , feeds on nothing . " Mariama Bâ " No , but thanks anyway . The lane is dusty and full of pot holes . " I grinned and patted the dashboard . " I wouldn 't want you to mess up the suspension or get dust all over your car , " I said . Butch was proud of his ' 66 Impala and he kept it in perfect condition . He 'd even bought a vanity tag : " MY66 CHVY " . I looked in the same direction ; with no moon , it was a dark night but I could only make out the even blacker tree line because the stars were above it . " Yeah , " I said , " it is . But I walk this lane every day so I know where all the holes are ; I can walk around them . Besides , I 'm not afraid of the dark , Butch . You know that . " " I know , Roland , you 're not afraid of the dark . All I 'm saying is that I wouldn 't to be out here when it 's pitch black , " he said then looked at me . " I like to at least be able to see the ground right in front of my feet . " " There 's starlight , " I replied . " My eyes will adjust . And there 's nothing between here and my house to be scared of ; except , maybe , tripping in one of potholes , " and I laughed . I knew Butch from when I 'd lived in town , but my family had moved to the farm before I turned eleven so I was used to not having street lights . Butch wasn 't , though , and apparently he was afraid of the dark , or of what he couldn 't see , at least . Which surprised me , since I 'd never known him to be afraid of anything . Butch was looking at the field across the road . " What 's with that fog over there ? " Butch asked . " That 's strange … it doesn 't even go down to the ground , but kind of floats above it . " I looked , but already knew what he was talking about . " It does that , " I said . " When the air cools at night , the ground stays warm for a while . Then damp air flows out from the woods and fog condenses out of it , then sort of rides over top of the layer of warm air . " " That 's pretty cool , " he said , " you can see under it almost all the way to the woods . " Just then , we heard noise coming from the opposite direction , the woods behind my house . It sounded like a cross between a woman 's scream , a baby 's crying , and a cat 's growl . Butch snapped his head around and looked at me . " What the hell was that ? " " That 's a bobcat . Indians believed that bobcats come with the fog , " I said and shrugged . " I don 't know if that means anything or not . I don 't hear that bobcat very often , and there 's fog like this over the fields a lot of nights . They hunt at night , and only make that sound when they 're mating , or looking for a mate . It sounds almost like a woman 's scream or a baby crying , doesn 't it ? " " It sounds like something , " he said , " but I 'm not sure what . I didn 't know there were any bobcats around here . They 're dangerous , aren 't they ? " " Yes , one . They mark their territory and others usually stay out , except during mating season and that 's usually early spring and sometimes , again in mid - summer . So if you hear one , it will probably be the only one for miles around . And I don 't mean they 're not dangerous , at all , just not to people or large dogs . They mostly eat small animals . Birds when they can catch them , but usually rabbits , or mice . And sometimes , my aunt will lose one of her chickens . " " Well - they 're in the same family , " I said . " They 're ' big cats ' , but much smaller than lions and tigers . Nowhere near big enough to attack a person , or even a grown dog . " " No , I 'm not worried about my dog ; she can take care of herself . And a bobcat wouldn 't waste time going after a dog when there 's lots of smaller prey for them . Unless it 's a really small dog , maybe , or a puppy . They hide from people and will run if a dog chases them . Not that a bobcat couldn 't take on a dog , if cornered . They are cats , after all , and cats have claws . " " My aunt told me . When we first moved here , I 'd hear them at night and it sounded to me like a woman or a baby crying in the woods . But my aunt said ' those are just bobcats , Roland , they won 't trouble you none ' . So I looked them up in the encyclopedia and it said that when they 're mating , their growls sometimes sound like a woman 's scream or a baby crying . At least from a distance . " " Not really . We used to have two , a black male named ' King ' , he was mine , and my sister had a tabby she named ' Cindy ' . Since the tabby was female , Dad made sure she was ' fixed ' before my sister could have her . King was a beautiful cat , but he 'd lay still in tall grass near the hedges and snatch birds right out of the air . I hated that . " " I know . But I never realized before just how good they are at killing things . Mom wouldn 't let them stay inside , but they could get into the crawlspace under the house , so they didn 't have to sleep out in cold weather . When the cats were about three years old , we had a really cold winter and they 'd sit on top of the fireplace chimney to keep warm . They both got sick and Dad said it was from breathing the fumes from the fireplace . " I remembered burying both cats at the end of the field , near the woods . " We haven 't had any cats since then . But a pet bobcat - that would be something ! " Even with the strange sounds that come from the woods , especially back toward the swamp , I liked living on the farm . Without street lights , there were more stars in the sky than I 'd ever seen in town and on a clear night I could see the Milky Way splashed across the sky . Sometimes I 'd even walk down the path behind my house into the woods at night . But only when the moon is bright enough for me to see the ground , of course ; I like the quiet peace of the woods at night , but I 'm not stupid ! He laughed . " I bet it will ! At least tuck in your shirt and make sure your hair 's combed , in case your Mom waited up for you . " " It 's after midnight , Butch , and she has church in the morning . She won 't be up this late . " I thought for a minute . " But , knowing Mom , she may get up when she hears me come in , to see if I want her to warm up something for me to eat . Dad might still be up , though , watching TV in the living room , but he probably won 't care that I stayed out this late , especially since it 's a Saturday night and I don 't have school tomorrow . " " Not really , " I said . " When I told her I didn 't want to go to church anymore she argued with me for a while , but then Dad told her I was twelve years old and in some cultures , that made me an adult and that I should be able to make my own decisions about religion . Actually , I was kind of surprised when he told my Mom that it was my decision whether or not I wanted to go to Mom 's church . " I knew how my Dad felt about ' organized ' religion , and that if I went to no church at all until , after I was an adult , I decided to join a religion of my own free will . " We never went to church , " Butch said , referring to his family . " But I don 't think I would 've liked it if I 'd had to go . I don 't like dressing up , and all that stuff . " " Well , thanks for giving Gina a ride home , Butch " I said . " I really appreciate it ; I had a great time tonight and if I hadn 't run into you , it would 've been miserable ! I 'm sorry I barged in on your date night with Pam , though , but I haven 't seen Gina for a long time , and I really didn 't want to go back to my ' date ' . " " Yes , really , " he said . " And don 't worry , Roland , you didn 't ' barge in ' ; I invited you , remember ? You know you 're always welcome ; I 'm glad that you and your ' unexpected ' date joined us . " " Good , " I said . " That makes me feel better . Pam 's always been real sweet to me , anyway . " Butch cut eyes cut toward me . " I said - sweet to me , Butch , not sweet on me . " " I know what you mean , Roland , " he said and looked up at me with a grin . " Pam thinks you 're sweet , and real polite . Like a Boy Scout , or something . " Butch laughed , but the way he almost spit out the words ' Boy Scout ' reminded me that he thought guys who acted like Boy Scouts were strange . I never thought of myself as a Boy Scout ; I just did what I was taught . I tried to be nice to other people and to always to do the right thing . But I understood why Butch felt the way that he did : most of his friends were from town and liked to party a lot , so I 'm sure they felt the same way about guys who acted like Boy Scouts . I laughed and shook my head " I 'm no Boy Scout . " I hesitated . " I was a cub scout , though , but I only went to one meeting . " I shrugged . " Six , maybe seven ; I 'm not sure . I knew who you were because I used to see you over at Curtis 's house . " Curtis was about the same age as Butch , but I knew him because he lived across the street from me when I lived in town . Actually , I already knew Butch 's name before I 'd ever met him . The street I lived on was a downhill slope to a dead end , and some of the older kids in the neighborhood like to ride their bikes down it . Butch was one of those ' big kids ' ; he 'd changed the front end of his bike to the tire extended out like a chopper . And he was probably the best one at skidding to a stop at the end of the street and throwing loose gravel into the empty lot . Everybody in the neighborhood knew who Butch Jordon was . " He does have a handgun , Roland . He showed it to me once , but he wouldn 't let me hold it . He says that kids shouldn 't handle guns . " " I do remember the Cub Scout meetings were every Monday at five , " I said . " But I didn 't think to keep track of what day of the week it was , except for Saturdays , when I watched cartoons , and Sundays , of course , because we had to go to church . I think Mom just didn 't want to have to drive me to the meetings and then pick me up . I don 't think she likes driving at night . " " Probably not , " Butch said . " My mom doesn 't won 't even drive after dark , so Dad takes her to the drive - in and picks her up after she closes it . I guess your mom 's probably the same about driving after dark . " " So Roland , what happened to your girl you were dating - Patty , right ? " Butch asked . " Did you break up with her ? " I 'd taken Patty to a party once and Butch and Pam had met her then . " Gina seems really nice , Roland " he said , " and she 's a lot better looking … " He grinned . " I think she 'd be a great girlfriend for you . " I felt my face flush . I 'd gone to the drive - in theater with a friend from school , Andrea , and her boyfriend . Andrea said that a girlfriend was staying with her for the weekend , and Andrea 's boyfriend wanted to see a movie at the drive - in theater . Andrea didn 't want to leave her friend home alone , and since her friend didn 't have a date , she asked me if I 'd be her friend 's blind date as a favor to her . " Really sweet usually means not very pretty , " I 'd said . Truthfully , though , I liked girls for who they were , inside , rather than for what they looked like . I 'd already learned that beauty really is only skin deep with some girls . They picked me up at the end of the lane in Billy 's pickup truck . Andrea reached over from the center of the seat and pushed open the passenger door , where her girlfriend sat . Some guys might 've thought ' Debbs ' was cute , in a way , but I didn 't . But Andrea had said Debbs was sweet and that would be fine with me . So Debbs wasn 't ' sweet ' at all ; she was arrogant and pretentious . And not all that cute , either . But , I didn 't want to ruin Andrea 's evening , so I climbed up into Billy 's truck , doing my best not to be too close to Debbs . I didn 't like her from the moment we met , and I 'm sure the feeling was mutual . " Nouveau riche , " I replied . " It means ' new money ' ; you know , people who don 't know how to handle First Class . " I only knew that because I 'd heard it in a movie , but I wasn 't going to tell them that . Billy laughed . " Nouveau riche , " he said , " that 's pretty good . " And we both smiled . But Andrea gave me that pleading look again , so I figured it was too late to back out of the ' date ' then . She was going to owe me big for this . " Not poor , Debbs . I said he can 't work anymore . I didn 't say he doesn 't have an income ; it 's just not as much as he 's used to getting . But , we 're not poor . " I could 've told Debbs that my Mom and Dad own several houses that they rent out for extra income . Dad insists that the properties that he and Mom own put us in the ' rich ' category , but I have a hard time believing that . I mean , we have been on vacations to Disney World and rented cottages on the beach . But that was when he was still working . We don 't live like rich people . " He doesn 't like to spend a lot of money just to impress other people . We live in my great - great grandfather 's farmhouse , because that 's where Dad wants to live . " That wasn 't entirely true , but I felt the need to take up for my Dad . " But he collects and restores antique cars for a hobby , " I said . " Ever seen a mint - condition ' 59 Lincoln , or ' 56 Buick ? Dad has both , plus about a dozen other antique cars , most of them luxury models . But he drives a seven year old Dodge and Mom has her ten year old Ford Fairlane . " " He drives the cheaper cars because he isn 't stupid , " I said . " Why would anyone want to drive an antique Lincoln just for running errands ? " I thought about where Debbs lived . " Well , your father might , just to show people that he has money . My Dad couldn 't care less what other people think . " Dad did collect antique cars , and the money he spent on them was always a point of contention between him and Mom . And I loved that black , fin tailed Lincoln ; it reminded me of the Batmobile . He let me start it up about once a month and move it ten feet or so on the driveway , to make sure everything 's still working . I 'd try out all the buttons on it , the power windows and locks , plus the air conditioner ; it seemed like that car has a button for everything ! And all that chrome inside and out was blinding when struck by the sun . I 'd make sure the seat still moved forward and back and that the doors opened and closed . I liked to pretend to be driving , but Dad would never let me take it on the road . He said that 's what his Dodge is for , so sometimes he 'd let me borrow that . I liked the Buick , too . It was a two door model , red with white side panels and chrome air intakes on both front fenders that were just for show ; they don 't do anything . The hood ornament was a chrome jet airplane with swept back wings and the car is huge inside . It wasn 't as fancy as the Lincoln , but it looked sportier . When I was younger , Dad sometimes drove the Buick when we went to visit his mother , who lived about three hours away , and riding in the backseat felt like we were flying up the highway . Mom always complained that he drove too fast , though . Once we got to the drive - in , I planned to sit outside ; there was no way I was going to stay in the truck , pressed up against Debbs . When we got to the drive - in , my friend 's mother was at the window where you paid to get in . I leaned over and smiled so she 'd see me . She smiled and shook her head . " Teenagers , " she said . " Well I expect a visit from you soon , Roland , " she said , then raised the gate and waved us through . " Why did you set me up with her ? " I asked . " She 's kind of cute , but , she 's also kind of a , uh … " " Yes you do , " I said and then smiled to let her know it was alright . " That 's okay , Andrea - I won 't forget ! But as soon as she gets back , I 'm going up to the Snack Shack and get a cold drink . As you saw at the gate , I know the family that owns the drive - in , and the woman 's son is a good friend of mine . He works here . But … I 'm not going to rush to get back . " Billy laughed . " I wouldn 't blame you if you didn 't come back at all , " he said . " But if you 're not here when the movie 's over , I 'll look for you up at the Snack Shack and give you a ride home . " When Debbs got back , I got out . " I 'm going to get something to drink , " I said to Andrea and Billy , ignoring Debbs entirely , and headed for the Snack Shack . As luck would have it , Butch was there , but wasn 't working that night . He was on the customer side of the counter , picking up drinks and fries . " Roland ! Haven 't seen you in a while , " he said . " Yeah , I 'm off tonight , so I brought Pam to see the movie . Are you here on a date ? " I nodded . " A blind date , " I said . " I should 've known better . She 's back at the truck with my friends , but I don 't want to go back there . That girl 's a real , uh , bitch ! " I really wasn 't in the habit of using curse words ; I never heard them at home . " No , it wouldn 't be rude . It 's a blind date , Roland . And if even you say the girl 's a bitch , she must really be bad ! " He shook his head . " I 'd say you don 't owe her anything . Let her friends take her home , but you 're coming with me . " He put his hand on my elbow . " Pam will be thrilled to see you again . " I hesitated , then : " Yeah , you 're probably right . She 's rude , and I don 't owe her anything . She lives up in River 's Bluff and seems to think she 's too good for me . Billy and Andrea brought her , they can take her home . " " River 's Bluff ? That explains it then . " Butch smiled . " Let 's go , " he said , " I parked near the back , where it isn 't so crowded . " I looked at the row after row of cars and wondered just how many people there were actually watching the movie . It was ' The Night of The Living Dead ' ; not the kind of movie I 'd ever pay to see . I wasn 't a fan of gore , and so far , this was probably the worst film I 'd ever seen . I picked up my drink and followed behind Butch . It was a good thing that the movie screen was behind us ; it lit the gravel enough for me to see where to walk . Since the ground was angled up in a small ramp at each row , so the cars would have a better view , it was difficult to see where to step without stumbling . We went between and around cars . In some of them was just a single couple , and not all of them were watching the movie ; other cars had two couples in them and several that were packed with teenagers , since the admission price covered each car , no matter how many people were in it . Some people sat out on the hoods of their cars to get a better view , and fresh air , or to smoke cigarettes . On the hood of one car , several teenagers brazenly passed around a joint . I stopped , turned around , and saw her looking out the front window of the car full of girls and a big smile came to my face . " Gina ! " I 'd been in the same advanced biology class with Gina in the 9th grade ; the students were partners , two to a table , and she 'd sat at the table right behind mine . " I wasn 't sure it was you , from the back , " she said then approached and gave me a hug . Gina had been gorgeous , back in ninth grade , and she was still beautiful , and had filled out in all the right places . I wasn 't expecting that warm hug , but I put my arms around her , hands in the small of her back , hugged her tightly and lifted her off her feet . I had an urge to spin her around then set her down , but I stopped myself . I didn 't know Gina well enough to do something that personal ; I think that mostly I was just relieved to get away from Debbs , and to see a friendly face . The other girls in the car Gina had been in were watching and I felt a little embarrassed so I stepped back , but I couldn 't stop my smile . " It 's been a long time , Gina , and I couldn 't help myself ; that just felt like the right thing to do . I 'm sorry if I was out of line with that hug . " " Did you hear me complain ? " She asked looking up into my eyes . " I was just surprised , that 's all . You never even asked me out when we were in class together , " she said , pretending to pout . " But I liked that hug you just gave me , Roland ; it was really sweet , and actually , I 'm glad I ran into you . " I was relieved , then , and relaxed a little ; resisting my first impulse , to literally sweep her off the ground and spin her around , had been the right decision . Of course , giving in to my first impulse might 've been right , too , but I 'd never know . " Umm , I was , " I replied as I looked at the ground in front of my feet . " A blind date , and I regret ever agreeing to it ; that 's why I left her back near the front with her friends who brought us and I 'm not going back . " I hoped Gina wouldn 't think that was too callous of me ; I mean , a date is a date and I 'd agreed to it . But I comforted myself with the thought that Andrea had misled me about the girl she 'd set me up with . " That bad , huh ? I hate blind dates , " Gina said . " I don 't do blind - dates . I know the kind of guy I like and I don 't need anyone else deciding who would be ' perfect ' for me . " Now I knew she hadn 't judged me as unreliable , rude , or inconsiderate . " Going on a blind date was my mistake , " I said . " But it won 't happen again . So … " I wasn 't sure if I should ask , but I had to , " are you here with someone ? On a date , I mean . " I looked toward her car and only saw girls , but if Gina had a date with her , he could be gone for drinks or something . " Not a chance . I 'm done with blind dates , " I replied , then - " Gina , this is my friend , Butch , " and he nodded to Gina , " and his girlfriend is in the car . Do you want to come and sit with me - us , if your friends don 't mind ? " She hesitated , and for a moment I thought I was going to be turned down , right in front of Butch . And I was sure there were many other people at the drive - in who 'd recognize me , too . Then she smiled . " Wait here a minute , " she said and walked back over to the car . The girls she was with were looking at me and I heard one of them giggle , and then handed Gina her purse , and she walked back toward me . " Lead the way , " she said with a broad smile and took hold of my hand . Butch looked at me and winked , then we followed him the rest of the way . When we got to his car , I introduced Gina to Pam and then we got into the backseat . After we were in and I closed the door , I put my arm around her shoulder ; I halfway suspected she might pull away , but she didn 't . " I had such a crush on you , " Gina said , loud enough for Butch and Pam to hear . She was looking up at my face and I blushed a little . I was surprised at that , but thrilled , too . Gina 's smile was somehow shy and self - confident at the same time and it went straight to my heart . " Yes , I did , " she said . " Every girl in class did , Roland ; you were the cutest guy in the class and you made us laugh so much that advanced biology was actually fun . Girls like a guy who can make them laugh . Especially when he 's a cute , friendly guy , " she said with a sweet smile . " Gina , including me , there were only seven guys in that class , " I said . " So being the cutest guy in a group of seven nerds isn 't saying much . " I smiled as I said that , so she 'd know I was just kidding . " Roland , I thought you were one of the best looking guys in school , " she said . " And I still do . In fact , I think you 're the best looking guy there . " She pressed her body even closer to mine and I had to start doing some quick math calculations in my head to keep the feelings of lust in the background . " Ah , it would 've mattered to me , Gina . I didn 't have a girlfriend ; that girl , Patty , wanted to be my girlfriend but I wasn 't interested . I tried to be nice to her , though ; I don 't like to hurt anyone 's feelings . " " Like I said , I was just trying to be nice ; but you were the prettiest girl I knew . " I smiled , feeling a bit self - conscious . " I had a huge crush on you , Gina . I just didn 't think you would be interested in me . " " I was so stupid ! " I said . " I had a crush on the prettiest girl in school and she had a crush on me ! " I shook my head . " Guess I missed my chance . " " What makes you think that you missed your chance , Roland ? " she asked . " Everyone deserves a second chance . I had a crush on you then , but I thought you were taken . " She looked into my eyes again . " And you really aren 't dating anyone now ? Other than that blind date you just dumped ? " ' Dumped ' sounded like a harsh word , but I nodded agreement . " Good , " she said with a smile and tilted her head up toward me . " Because I still have a crush on you . " The car was dark , except for the changing shadows of light from the distant movie screen , since Butch had parked near the rear , but flickering light from the movie flashed from Gina 's dark eyes as she looked into mine . Her warm body was pressed against me and it just felt so right . I looked into her dark , beautiful eyes and she 'd lifted her face toward mine , so I leaned in to kiss her . Her full , warm lips welcomed mine and I put my other arm around her and slid my hand over her stomach , then up her side to her wonderful breast . I couldn 't believe how good her body felt . But since Butch and Pam were in the front seat , I knew I couldn 't go as far as I wanted ; that would have to wait until we were alone . I wasn 't usually openly affectionate in front of other people , and I didn 't think it would be fair to Gina to push too much . She 'd just met Butch and Pam , not ten minutes earlier , and I thought it would be foolish to put her in the position of having to refuse my advances . Besides , I felt certain by then that if we were alone , she wouldn 't be reticent about some hot and heavy making out , though . But for the time being , a long , passionate kiss seemed safe enough , and after that first kiss , we didn 't , as Butch said , watch much of the movie . After the movie was over , we went to a pizza place for a while , but didn 't stay long because Pam had a curfew . Butch drove Pam home and walked her to the door . Gina and I waited while they said goodnight and it seemed to take at least ten minutes , so rather than waste the time we kissed some more and when I slid my hand near her breast , she placed my hand right on it . After a minute or two , I reached up under her blouse just to feel the heat from her smooth skin . When Butch got back to the car , Gina straightened her blouse before he got in and we gave her a ride home . I walked her to the door and we kissed goodnight , a long , passionate kiss with my hands running up and down her back , through her hair and over her shoulders , completely outside of her clothes , and I held her warm , wonderful body close to mine . I didn 't want to stop and clearly neither did Gina , but then a light came on inside the house . " That 's my father , " Gina said . " I better get inside before he opens the door . " She quickly tucked a folded paper napkin from the pizza place into the rear pocket of my jeans , gave me a quick kiss on my cheek and then went inside . Walking back to the car , I took the napkin from my pocket , unfolded it and found she 'd written her name , phone number , and below that " Call me … " my heart almost skipped a beat . The girl I 'd had a crush two years earlier had , and still has , a crush on me too ! And I never would 've guessed . I was so happy that I felt like was walking on air when I got back to the car . " What do you mean ? " I asked . At first , I thought it might be because I was an Honors student every year , and I made that look easy , but that was only because I loved to read . So , my grades couldn 't be it ; Butch had already graduated high school and I 'm sure couldn 't have cared less about me making Honor Roll . Then , I knew a lot of people , probably more than Butch , but that was because I made a real effort to be friendly with everyone I met . " I mean - like tonight , " he said . " You go out on a blind date that turns out to be a big mistake , then you leave with a girl that looks like Gina ! And it turns out that she 'd had a crush on you and you didn 't even realize it . " He smiled . " I didn 't know you had it in you . " Butch sounded truly surprised , and I resented it a little that he didn 't think I was good enough to go out with the really pretty girls . " Yeah , I know , " I said . " I guess I 'm just lucky . Gina is really pretty , isn 't she ? " I said and smiled . " But most of the guys at school think Linda Wells is the prettiest girl in our high school . I don 't , but most of the guys do . " " But , she 's kind of an air head , too , " I said . " Gina 's more my type , and she just happens to be really good looking , too . " I hesitated a moment . " Sexy , too , " I added and Butch laughed at me , but it was a laugh of admiration . I suppressed a blush . " Come on , Butch , " I said . " Everybody knows that Pam 's the prettiest girl in her high school , and she goes out with you ! " I saw in Butch 's face that I might 've hurt his feelings , so I laughed to let him know I wasn 't being serious . But I did know a whole lot of people in town , especially in the neighborhoods around where I 'd lived . Butch was one of my childhood friends whom I had kept up with , and I 'd met quite a few people through him . I had a few other friends besides Butch , but I still saw him more than anyone else in town . If anything , I was jealous of Butch . He was big into sports , had played baseball on the school team and had that all - American , boy - next - door but - maybe - a - little - dangerous look . He was held back a year in grade school , so he was a nineteen year old senior when he graduated and could date any girl he wanted . But I was more the nerd - type : smart ( at least that 's what they 'd always told me in school ) , okay in sports but nothing special , always made Honor Role but I 'd usually rather spend an afternoon reading than go up to Butch 's house to play softball with his friends , most of whom I didn 't know very well . I was shy , I knew that , but guys like Butch intimidated me ; I didn 't play on any sports team , or go boating and water skiing at the lake every summer and hang out with the cool kids , the clique that cheerleaders followed around . I knew I couldn 't just ask out any girl I wanted without risking the embarrassment of being turned down . And I really had a fear of being turned down ; I 'd usually felt like it was a flaw on my part . I was that nice guy , the kind who everyone wants to sign your yearbook , but instead of girls writing ' Will miss you over the summer ' with a little heart beside it and their phone number below ( as a lot of my friends got ) , but both the girls and guys would write something like : " A friend that can be trusted " , " To the most trustworthy friend I have " , or " Always stay just the way you are " . I mean , that was nice and all , but nothing to make me think any of the girls would want to be more than just good friends . Maybe that 's what he meant : it was almost as though I had some guardian angel , or something , watching over me , keeping me from screwing up everything . I 'd never really thought about it before , but I guess that is pretty lucky . Up until that point , I 'd only had three ' girlfriends ' : Elise , Linda , and Patty . Elise , from 7th grade Art class - she was cute , pretty , in her own way , and sweet , but also a little quirky , the way some artsy types can be . Then Linda , ( not Linda Wells ) who was in my 8th grade homeroom ; she had long , straight , silky blond hair and blue eyes that sparkled like star sapphires . I fell for her based on her admittedly stunning beauty , but soon realized she knew just how pretty she was , and acted as though she was used to it , even felt entitled to get her way in everything and that was a little too controlling for my tastes . Then , there was Patty , in ninth grade , the girl Gina had thought was my girlfriend . I shouldn 't really count Patty , though , because that relationship was more in her imagination than in reality . With her , it had started when she 'd show up at my locker between classes ' just to say hi ' and in around the second month of school , she 'd invited me to visit her at home . So I accepted the invitation and had the pleasure of meeting her parents over the course of an excellent dinner . Her mother and father were very nice people , a little old , I thought , to be Patty 's parents . They both had a strong accent , what Dad would call Bohemian , though I didn 't know what that meant . Despite the accent , they were down to earth people , extra friendly and quick to laugh ; I admit I had a great time . But when I left , I got the distinct impression they expected to see me again . They appeared almost relieved to think that Patty had a boyfriend ! I thought it possible that because they were old , they wanted Patty to have someone when they were no longer around . I also thought it was more likely that I 'd misread them entirely . But , rather than take the chance that Patty might get the wrong idea , and have her feelings hurt later , I told her I liked her , a lot , but I didn 't want to " go steady " with anyone right now . I would 've felt responsible if I 'd let it go on and then really hurt her feelings . Patty was still hurt , I could tell , though not as much as she would 've been otherwise . I think . " So , how long 's it been since you last saw Gina ? " Butch asked . " Did she say it was in the 9th grade when she had a crush on you ? " " Yes , we were in freshman year . Almost two years ago . I watched for her in the hallways last year , but the new high school is huge and I never saw her . " " I guess so , " I said . " I certainly didn 't forget her ! We were in the same advanced bio class that year , and I thought then that she was the prettiest girl I 'd ever met . Butch , Gina could 've dated any guy in school if she wanted . And with all those jocks around , I figured she wouldn 't give me a second look . " " I 'm surprised she 'd pick you , too , " Butch said with a laugh . " But now you know she liked you in school , and judging by tonight , she likes you even more now . " He looked at me in disbelief . " And you didn 't even know , man ! She had to tell you herself ! " Butch laughed . " Pretty ? Roland - Gina 's got to be one of the best looking girls in your school and all you say is she 's pretty ! " Butch was right ; saying Gina was just " pretty " was an understatement . She had a vaguely Mediterranean look , Italian , I think , with dark , beautiful , eyes and smooth , olive skin . Her long , silky hair , the color of the baker 's chocolate my Mom cooks with , cascaded over her well - shaped shoulders and onto her adult - woman 's breasts . And voluptuous was the perfect word for a body that had filled out in all the right places . I thought she was beautiful the first time I laid eyes on her , and , for me at least , still the best looking girl in school . If I hadn 't taken that class , I might never have met Gina . I guess it was another one of those times Butch talked about , where things just seemed to work out for me despite what I do . I hadn 't originally signed up for advanced bio ; I was in the second year French class when school started , but nearly thirty students had signed up for it , so at least seven of us had to switch to a different elective . I knew I could take French the following year , but my father insisted I only take the advanced classes so that limited my choices . I 'd always liked science and so I thought I 'd take Physics , since I knew the math in first year Physics wouldn 't be anything I couldn 't handle , but all that was still available was advanced biology . The whole scheduling problem turned out to be a lucky break and it was still paying off , almost two years later . I was the smartest guy in that class , and I knew from experience that a lot of times other guys don 't like a smart kid who might make them look worse , especially when a teacher graded on a curve . So I 'd gotten in the habit of being funny , since everyone likes to laugh . Our teacher in that class , Mrs . Braxton , was fairly young and liked the fact that I took the course work seriously , instead of it being only the girls who did well . And since I treated the work as important and usually , well , almost always , knew the answers when she asked the class a question , Mrs . Braxton let me get away with joking around a little , before I gave her the answer . I made a point of including her when I was kidding around , just as if she was one of us , the students . I think she appreciated that . The main reason I did well in all my classes , except math , was that , beginning in 5th grade , I read all of my textbooks in the first two weeks every year , so I didn 't have to study as hard the rest of the semester to make good grades . I 'd picked up my love of reading from my Dad : he subscribed to two newspapers , several trade journal and magazines , plus bought a copy of Popular Science several times a year . I 'd read our entire set of encyclopedias by time I was twelve ( but , to be honest , I 'd skipped the few articles that didn 't appeal to me ) . Then I convinced Mom to but my . 99 cent paperbacks at the grocery store once in a while . I even read everything on the cereal box at breakfast ! The only classes I had problems with was mathematics ; even though I 'd read the text books , I still needed help to even get a " B " . And if I 'd gotten more than one ' B ' in a semester , I wouldn 't make Honor Roll . That was one of the few things Dad actually praised me for . " We did watch the movie , Roland . I told you I 'd fill you in on what happened . But I couldn 't resist a quick glance now and then , " he said . " But you 're right , it 's getting late and I told Pam I 'd stop back by on my way home . I guess I should get going , before it 's too late and I have to see her Dad . " " Definitely , " I said . " Probably on Monday ; I don 't want to look too desperate , " I said and laughed . " Then again , maybe I 'll call her tomorrow afternoon . I 'd hate to wait too long , you know . " " Yeah , " he said . " A good looking girl like Gina probably has guys after her all the time . And you thought you 'd missed your chance once already ; don 't make the same mistake again . " " Yeah , I know . I 'm not going to let that happen , " I said with a smile . Butch started the car and pulled out onto the road . I stood there until the tail lights were out of sight , then turned and started toward the house . With no moon , only starlight lit the way , so I had to watch my step and miss the hard ridges of dried mud and the potholes left by cars and pickup trucks driving down the lane when it was wet . About halfway down the lane , there was an old wood post on each side , so I stopped and leaned back against one of them . The muggy heat of the day had dissipated and lent the cooler night air a clarity that 's only seen far from city lights . I looked up at the stars , so numerous against the sky they were almost overwhelming , and I traced out some of the constellations I recognized . When I was ten years old , my Dad had bought me a six - inch reflector telescope for Christmas , and I 'd spent a lot of nights finding the planets and looking closely at the moon ; learning the constellations and the names of some of the stars just came along with that . I no longer had the telescope , but still knew most of the stars and constellations , and I could recognize the planets when one was in the sky . The brightest star , almost directly overhead , was Vega , in the constellation called the Lyre , which was something like a harp . It was right on the edge of where the Milky Way meandered across the sky . I knew how to trace the Milky Way north to the constellation Cassiopeia , the beautiful queen of Greek mythology , and I pictured Gina , reclining on the goddess 's royal sofa , draped in a satiny gown . That was how I felt about Gina that evening . It had just been so nice with her warm body pressed against mine , her beautifully formed breasts … Just then I heard the woman / baby - crying , growling sound of a bobcat , calling from back toward the swamp , and I knew that cat must 've found a mate . Lucky cat . That shook me from my daydreaming and reminded that I was just standing in the dark , so I double checked my pocket where I 'd put Gina 's number , then walked the rest of the way to the house . I was infatuated with Gina , and just thinking about her smile and unbelievably wonderful body almost made me want to skip ; something I hadn 't done since I was a child . I felt silly , but in a good way , a way I 'd never felt before , and couldn 't wait for the next day to come so that I could call Gina , see her beautiful face again . I looked across the field to the tree line that was black against the sky and noticed the fog beginning to roll from the woods out over the field . Until I moved to the farm I 'd never seen fog like that : it was a band about five feet high and too thick to see through but floated about two feet above the ground , and you could bend low and look underneath it all the way to the woods . Bobcats and the fog , I thought ; maybe the Indians were onto something . As I finished the walk home , fighting the urge to kick up my heels , or do something else stupid , I thought about what Butch had said : that I was lucky , that things just seem to come to me , or work out for the best , without me even trying . Obviously , I couldn 't complain to Andrea for setting me up with ' Debbs ' because if I hadn 't gone on that blind date with that pretentious snob of a girl , I wouldn 't have run into Gina . Andrea didn 't owe me for that favor at all ; if anything , I owed her . That was clearly just one more time when what I 'd thought was a big disappointment was actually what I 'd needed , after all . I realized then that Butch might be right : I had been lucky , I was lucky and things always did seem to work out for me . Especially when I wasn 't trying to force anything , but just accepted what whatever the day brought . I decided then that rather than let my lust control what I do ( and with Gina , I knew there was a lot of lust involved ) , I 'd wait until Monday to call her . I felt like calling Gina the very next day might be a bad idea , like I was pushing for something to happen before its time . And it probably wouldn 't be smart of me to try to force things , since if I just let what happens happen , I 'd be happier with whatever came my way on its own . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

TWO - FOR - ONE SPECIAL ! Buy this anthology in Print & get the audiobook FREE ! Having the stories read to you brings a new dimension to the book . This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only . This eBook may not be re - sold or given away to other people . If you would like to share this book with another person , please purchase an additional copy for each recipient . If you 're reading this book and did not purchase it , or it was not purchased for your use only , then please return to Smashwords . com and purchase your own copy . Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author . This story is from a collection of stories about a young boy growing up in the south . The reader sees the world through Roland McCray 's somewhat innocent and often unique views on southern culture , pastimes , and religion as he seeks to apply his values to what he sees in the world around him . Roland is seeking spiritual growth and meaning in a world that is difficult for him to understand . In the tradition of classic Americana , Roland McCray carries the reader into his world through his depth of character and vivid descriptive imagery . These short tales of Roland McCray would not have been possible without the editing assistance and advice of others . I want to especially thank Anita Young , Gail Weimont , Jerry Bryson and Paul Ellis for their encouragement and invaluable input in editing and helping me to craft these stories and Steve Johnson for tirelessly reading these stories and searching out my many grammatical errors and typos . I also need to acknowledge the encouragement and truly invaluable advice of my many writing teachers , especially author Clint McGowan and bestselling author Sherri Reynolds ( " The Rapture of Canaan " , and more ) . " The element I enjoy the most about Blaine Coleman 's novel is the wholesome Americana / Twain vibe . It takes me back to a very simple , uncomplicated time in life . Also , there are many moments that I connected with because of culture , atmosphere , and language . Roland McCray is a character that any reader can identify with . " " Blaine Coleman has a great way of storytelling that pulls the reader into a nostalgic narrative of a coming of age story that keeps the reader intrigued while taking a journey through Roland McCray 's unique perception of the world from his eyes . We see Roland 's imagination and empathy , and tidbits of insight and maturity - as he displays values in a very positive light . Roland 's innocent pathos and insight is always refreshing and he has a remarkable way of reflecting on southern culture and pastimes . The descriptive imagery is vibrant and makes for wonderful settings . In some ways Roland 's story becomes a little bit of everyone 's story . " " One imagines the birth of happiness to be accompanied by some great spectacular upheaval . One can imagine it flowering in the most luxurious setting . Yet happiness is born of a trifle , feeds on nothing . " Mariama Bâ " No , but thanks anyway . The lane is dusty and full of pot holes . " I grinned and patted the dashboard . " I wouldn 't want you to mess up the suspension or get dust all over your car , " I said . Butch was proud of his ' 66 Impala and he kept it in perfect condition . He 'd even bought a vanity tag : " MY66 CHVY " . I looked in the same direction ; with no moon , it was a dark night but I could only make out the even blacker tree line because the stars were above it . " Yeah , " I said , " it is . But I walk this lane every day so I know where all the holes are ; I can walk around them . Besides , I 'm not afraid of the dark , Butch . You know that . " " I know , Roland , you 're not afraid of the dark . All I 'm saying is that I wouldn 't to be out here when it 's pitch black , " he said then looked at me . " I like to at least be able to see the ground right in front of my feet . " " There 's starlight , " I replied . " My eyes will adjust . And there 's nothing between here and my house to be scared of ; except , maybe , tripping in one of potholes , " and I laughed . I knew Butch from when I 'd lived in town , but my family had moved to the farm before I turned eleven so I was used to not having street lights . Butch wasn 't , though , and apparently he was afraid of the dark , or of what he couldn 't see , at least . Which surprised me , since I 'd never known him to be afraid of anything . Butch was looking at the field across the road . " What 's with that fog over there ? " Butch asked . " That 's strange … it doesn 't even go down to the ground , but kind of floats above it . " I looked , but already knew what he was talking about . " It does that , " I said . " When the air cools at night , the ground stays warm for a while . Then damp air flows out from the woods and fog condenses out of it , then sort of rides over top of the layer of warm air . " " That 's pretty cool , " he said , " you can see under it almost all the way to the woods . " Just then , we heard noise coming from the opposite direction , the woods behind my house . It sounded like a cross between a woman 's scream , a baby 's crying , and a cat 's growl . Butch snapped his head around and looked at me . " What the hell was that ? " " That 's a bobcat . Indians believed that bobcats come with the fog , " I said and shrugged . " I don 't know if that means anything or not . I don 't hear that bobcat very often , and there 's fog like this over the fields a lot of nights . They hunt at night , and only make that sound when they 're mating , or looking for a mate . It sounds almost like a woman 's scream or a baby crying , doesn 't it ? " " It sounds like something , " he said , " but I 'm not sure what . I didn 't know there were any bobcats around here . They 're dangerous , aren 't they ? " " Yes , one . They mark their territory and others usually stay out , except during mating season and that 's usually early spring and sometimes , again in mid - summer . So if you hear one , it will probably be the only one for miles around . And I don 't mean they 're not dangerous , at all , just not to people or large dogs . They mostly eat small animals . Birds when they can catch them , but usually rabbits , or mice . And sometimes , my aunt will lose one of her chickens . " " Well - they 're in the same family , " I said . " They 're ' big cats ' , but much smaller than lions and tigers . Nowhere near big enough to attack a person , or even a grown dog . " " No , I 'm not worried about my dog ; she can take care of herself . And a bobcat wouldn 't waste time going after a dog when there 's lots of smaller prey for them . Unless it 's a really small dog , maybe , or a puppy . They hide from people and will run if a dog chases them . Not that a bobcat couldn 't take on a dog , if cornered . They are cats , after all , and cats have claws . " " My aunt told me . When we first moved here , I 'd hear them at night and it sounded to me like a woman or a baby crying in the woods . But my aunt said ' those are just bobcats , Roland , they won 't trouble you none ' . So I looked them up in the encyclopedia and it said that when they 're mating , their growls sometimes sound like a woman 's scream or a baby crying . At least from a distance . " " Not really . We used to have two , a black male named ' King ' , he was mine , and my sister had a tabby she named ' Cindy ' . Since the tabby was female , Dad made sure she was ' fixed ' before my sister could have her . King was a beautiful cat , but he 'd lay still in tall grass near the hedges and snatch birds right out of the air . I hated that . " " I know . But I never realized before just how good they are at killing things . Mom wouldn 't let them stay inside , but they could get into the crawlspace under the house , so they didn 't have to sleep out in cold weather . When the cats were about three years old , we had a really cold winter and they 'd sit on top of the fireplace chimney to keep warm . They both got sick and Dad said it was from breathing the fumes from the fireplace . " I remembered burying both cats at the end of the field , near the woods . " We haven 't had any cats since then . But a pet bobcat - that would be something ! " Even with the strange sounds that come from the woods , especially back toward the swamp , I liked living on the farm . Without street lights , there were more stars in the sky than I 'd ever seen in town and on a clear night I could see the Milky Way splashed across the sky . Sometimes I 'd even walk down the path behind my house into the woods at night . But only when the moon is bright enough for me to see the ground , of course ; I like the quiet peace of the woods at night , but I 'm not stupid ! He laughed . " I bet it will ! At least tuck in your shirt and make sure your hair 's combed , in case your Mom waited up for you . " " It 's after midnight , Butch , and she has church in the morning . She won 't be up this late . " I thought for a minute . " But , knowing Mom , she may get up when she hears me come in , to see if I want her to warm up something for me to eat . Dad might still be up , though , watching TV in the living room , but he probably won 't care that I stayed out this late , especially since it 's a Saturday night and I don 't have school tomorrow . " " Not really , " I said . " When I told her I didn 't want to go to church anymore she argued with me for a while , but then Dad told her I was twelve years old and in some cultures , that made me an adult and that I should be able to make my own decisions about religion . Actually , I was kind of surprised when he told my Mom that it was my decision whether or not I wanted to go to Mom 's church . " I knew how my Dad felt about ' organized ' religion , and that if I went to no church at all until , after I was an adult , I decided to join a religion of my own free will . " We never went to church , " Butch said , referring to his family . " But I don 't think I would 've liked it if I 'd had to go . I don 't like dressing up , and all that stuff . " " Well , thanks for giving Gina a ride home , Butch " I said . " I really appreciate it ; I had a great time tonight and if I hadn 't run into you , it would 've been miserable ! I 'm sorry I barged in on your date night with Pam , though , but I haven 't seen Gina for a long time , and I really didn 't want to go back to my ' date ' . " " Yes , really , " he said . " And don 't worry , Roland , you didn 't ' barge in ' ; I invited you , remember ? You know you 're always welcome ; I 'm glad that you and your ' unexpected ' date joined us . " " Good , " I said . " That makes me feel better . Pam 's always been real sweet to me , anyway . " Butch cut eyes cut toward me . " I said - sweet to me , Butch , not sweet on me . " " I know what you mean , Roland , " he said and looked up at me with a grin . " Pam thinks you 're sweet , and real polite . Like a Boy Scout , or something . " Butch laughed , but the way he almost spit out the words ' Boy Scout ' reminded me that he thought guys who acted like Boy Scouts were strange . I never thought of myself as a Boy Scout ; I just did what I was taught . I tried to be nice to other people and to always to do the right thing . But I understood why Butch felt the way that he did : most of his friends were from town and liked to party a lot , so I 'm sure they felt the same way about guys who acted like Boy Scouts . I laughed and shook my head " I 'm no Boy Scout . " I hesitated . " I was a cub scout , though , but I only went to one meeting . " I shrugged . " Six , maybe seven ; I 'm not sure . I knew who you were because I used to see you over at Curtis 's house . " Curtis was about the same age as Butch , but I knew him because he lived across the street from me when I lived in town . Actually , I already knew Butch 's name before I 'd ever met him . The street I lived on was a downhill slope to a dead end , and some of the older kids in the neighborhood like to ride their bikes down it . Butch was one of those ' big kids ' ; he 'd changed the front end of his bike to the tire extended out like a chopper . And he was probably the best one at skidding to a stop at the end of the street and throwing loose gravel into the empty lot . Everybody in the neighborhood knew who Butch Jordon was . " He does have a handgun , Roland . He showed it to me once , but he wouldn 't let me hold it . He says that kids shouldn 't handle guns . " " I do remember the Cub Scout meetings were every Monday at five , " I said . " But I didn 't think to keep track of what day of the week it was , except for Saturdays , when I watched cartoons , and Sundays , of course , because we had to go to church . I think Mom just didn 't want to have to drive me to the meetings and then pick me up . I don 't think she likes driving at night . " " Probably not , " Butch said . " My mom doesn 't won 't even drive after dark , so Dad takes her to the drive - in and picks her up after she closes it . I guess your mom 's probably the same about driving after dark . " " So Roland , what happened to your girl you were dating - Patty , right ? " Butch asked . " Did you break up with her ? " I 'd taken Patty to a party once and Butch and Pam had met her then . " Gina seems really nice , Roland " he said , " and she 's a lot better looking … " He grinned . " I think she 'd be a great girlfriend for you . " I felt my face flush . I 'd gone to the drive - in theater with a friend from school , Andrea , and her boyfriend . Andrea said that a girlfriend was staying with her for the weekend , and Andrea 's boyfriend wanted to see a movie at the drive - in theater . Andrea didn 't want to leave her friend home alone , and since her friend didn 't have a date , she asked me if I 'd be her friend 's blind date as a favor to her . " Really sweet usually means not very pretty , " I 'd said . Truthfully , though , I liked girls for who they were , inside , rather than for what they looked like . I 'd already learned that beauty really is only skin deep with some girls . They picked me up at the end of the lane in Billy 's pickup truck . Andrea reached over from the center of the seat and pushed open the passenger door , where her girlfriend sat . Some guys might 've thought ' Debbs ' was cute , in a way , but I didn 't . But Andrea had said Debbs was sweet and that would be fine with me . So Debbs wasn 't ' sweet ' at all ; she was arrogant and pretentious . And not all that cute , either . But , I didn 't want to ruin Andrea 's evening , so I climbed up into Billy 's truck , doing my best not to be too close to Debbs . I didn 't like her from the moment we met , and I 'm sure the feeling was mutual . " Nouveau riche , " I replied . " It means ' new money ' ; you know , people who don 't know how to handle First Class . " I only knew that because I 'd heard it in a movie , but I wasn 't going to tell them that . Billy laughed . " Nouveau riche , " he said , " that 's pretty good . " And we both smiled . But Andrea gave me that pleading look again , so I figured it was too late to back out of the ' date ' then . She was going to owe me big for this . " Not poor , Debbs . I said he can 't work anymore . I didn 't say he doesn 't have an income ; it 's just not as much as he 's used to getting . But , we 're not poor . " I could 've told Debbs that my Mom and Dad own several houses that they rent out for extra income . Dad insists that the properties that he and Mom own put us in the ' rich ' category , but I have a hard time believing that . I mean , we have been on vacations to Disney World and rented cottages on the beach . But that was when he was still working . We don 't live like rich people . " He doesn 't like to spend a lot of money just to impress other people . We live in my great - great grandfather 's farmhouse , because that 's where Dad wants to live . " That wasn 't entirely true , but I felt the need to take up for my Dad . " But he collects and restores antique cars for a hobby , " I said . " Ever seen a mint - condition ' 59 Lincoln , or ' 56 Buick ? Dad has both , plus about a dozen other antique cars , most of them luxury models . But he drives a seven year old Dodge and Mom has her ten year old Ford Fairlane . " " He drives the cheaper cars because he isn 't stupid , " I said . " Why would anyone want to drive an antique Lincoln just for running errands ? " I thought about where Debbs lived . " Well , your father might , just to show people that he has money . My Dad couldn 't care less what other people think . " Dad did collect antique cars , and the money he spent on them was always a point of contention between him and Mom . And I loved that black , fin tailed Lincoln ; it reminded me of the Batmobile . He let me start it up about once a month and move it ten feet or so on the driveway , to make sure everything 's still working . I 'd try out all the buttons on it , the power windows and locks , plus the air conditioner ; it seemed like that car has a button for everything ! And all that chrome inside and out was blinding when struck by the sun . I 'd make sure the seat still moved forward and back and that the doors opened and closed . I liked to pretend to be driving , but Dad would never let me take it on the road . He said that 's what his Dodge is for , so sometimes he 'd let me borrow that . I liked the Buick , too . It was a two door model , red with white side panels and chrome air intakes on both front fenders that were just for show ; they don 't do anything . The hood ornament was a chrome jet airplane with swept back wings and the car is huge inside . It wasn 't as fancy as the Lincoln , but it looked sportier . When I was younger , Dad sometimes drove the Buick when we went to visit his mother , who lived about three hours away , and riding in the backseat felt like we were flying up the highway . Mom always complained that he drove too fast , though . Once we got to the drive - in , I planned to sit outside ; there was no way I was going to stay in the truck , pressed up against Debbs . When we got to the drive - in , my friend 's mother was at the window where you paid to get in . I leaned over and smiled so she 'd see me . She smiled and shook her head . " Teenagers , " she said . " Well I expect a visit from you soon , Roland , " she said , then raised the gate and waved us through . " Why did you set me up with her ? " I asked . " She 's kind of cute , but , she 's also kind of a , uh … " " Yes you do , " I said and then smiled to let her know it was alright . " That 's okay , Andrea - I won 't forget ! But as soon as she gets back , I 'm going up to the Snack Shack and get a cold drink . As you saw at the gate , I know the family that owns the drive - in , and the woman 's son is a good friend of mine . He works here . But … I 'm not going to rush to get back . " Billy laughed . " I wouldn 't blame you if you didn 't come back at all , " he said . " But if you 're not here when the movie 's over , I 'll look for you up at the Snack Shack and give you a ride home . " When Debbs got back , I got out . " I 'm going to get something to drink , " I said to Andrea and Billy , ignoring Debbs entirely , and headed for the Snack Shack . As luck would have it , Butch was there , but wasn 't working that night . He was on the customer side of the counter , picking up drinks and fries . " Roland ! Haven 't seen you in a while , " he said . " Yeah , I 'm off tonight , so I brought Pam to see the movie . Are you here on a date ? " I nodded . " A blind date , " I said . " I should 've known better . She 's back at the truck with my friends , but I don 't want to go back there . That girl 's a real , uh , bitch ! " I really wasn 't in the habit of using curse words ; I never heard them at home . " No , it wouldn 't be rude . It 's a blind date , Roland . And if even you say the girl 's a bitch , she must really be bad ! " He shook his head . " I 'd say you don 't owe her anything . Let her friends take her home , but you 're coming with me . " He put his hand on my elbow . " Pam will be thrilled to see you again . " I hesitated , then : " Yeah , you 're probably right . She 's rude , and I don 't owe her anything . She lives up in River 's Bluff and seems to think she 's too good for me . Billy and Andrea brought her , they can take her home . " " River 's Bluff ? That explains it then . " Butch smiled . " Let 's go , " he said , " I parked near the back , where it isn 't so crowded . " I looked at the row after row of cars and wondered just how many people there were actually watching the movie . It was ' The Night of The Living Dead ' ; not the kind of movie I 'd ever pay to see . I wasn 't a fan of gore , and so far , this was probably the worst film I 'd ever seen . I picked up my drink and followed behind Butch . It was a good thing that the movie screen was behind us ; it lit the gravel enough for me to see where to walk . Since the ground was angled up in a small ramp at each row , so the cars would have a better view , it was difficult to see where to step without stumbling . We went between and around cars . In some of them was just a single couple , and not all of them were watching the movie ; other cars had two couples in them and several that were packed with teenagers , since the admission price covered each car , no matter how many people were in it . Some people sat out on the hoods of their cars to get a better view , and fresh air , or to smoke cigarettes . On the hood of one car , several teenagers brazenly passed around a joint . I stopped , turned around , and saw her looking out the front window of the car full of girls and a big smile came to my face . " Gina ! " I 'd been in the same advanced biology class with Gina in the 9th grade ; the students were partners , two to a table , and she 'd sat at the table right behind mine . " I wasn 't sure it was you , from the back , " she said then approached and gave me a hug . Gina had been gorgeous , back in ninth grade , and she was still beautiful , and had filled out in all the right places . I wasn 't expecting that warm hug , but I put my arms around her , hands in the small of her back , hugged her tightly and lifted her off her feet . I had an urge to spin her around then set her down , but I stopped myself . I didn 't know Gina well enough to do something that personal ; I think that mostly I was just relieved to get away from Debbs , and to see a friendly face . The other girls in the car Gina had been in were watching and I felt a little embarrassed so I stepped back , but I couldn 't stop my smile . " It 's been a long time , Gina , and I couldn 't help myself ; that just felt like the right thing to do . I 'm sorry if I was out of line with that hug . " " Did you hear me complain ? " She asked looking up into my eyes . " I was just surprised , that 's all . You never even asked me out when we were in class together , " she said , pretending to pout . " But I liked that hug you just gave me , Roland ; it was really sweet , and actually , I 'm glad I ran into you . " I was relieved , then , and relaxed a little ; resisting my first impulse , to literally sweep her off the ground and spin her around , had been the right decision . Of course , giving in to my first impulse might 've been right , too , but I 'd never know . " Umm , I was , " I replied as I looked at the ground in front of my feet . " A blind date , and I regret ever agreeing to it ; that 's why I left her back near the front with her friends who brought us and I 'm not going back . " I hoped Gina wouldn 't think that was too callous of me ; I mean , a date is a date and I 'd agreed to it . But I comforted myself with the thought that Andrea had misled me about the girl she 'd set me up with . " That bad , huh ? I hate blind dates , " Gina said . " I don 't do blind - dates . I know the kind of guy I like and I don 't need anyone else deciding who would be ' perfect ' for me . " Now I knew she hadn 't judged me as unreliable , rude , or inconsiderate . " Going on a blind date was my mistake , " I said . " But it won 't happen again . So … " I wasn 't sure if I should ask , but I had to , " are you here with someone ? On a date , I mean . " I looked toward her car and only saw girls , but if Gina had a date with her , he could be gone for drinks or something . " Not a chance . I 'm done with blind dates , " I replied , then - " Gina , this is my friend , Butch , " and he nodded to Gina , " and his girlfriend is in the car . Do you want to come and sit with me - us , if your friends don 't mind ? " She hesitated , and for a moment I thought I was going to be turned down , right in front of Butch . And I was sure there were many other people at the drive - in who 'd recognize me , too . Then she smiled . " Wait here a minute , " she said and walked back over to the car . The girls she was with were looking at me and I heard one of them giggle , and then handed Gina her purse , and she walked back toward me . " Lead the way , " she said with a broad smile and took hold of my hand . Butch looked at me and winked , then we followed him the rest of the way . When we got to his car , I introduced Gina to Pam and then we got into the backseat . After we were in and I closed the door , I put my arm around her shoulder ; I halfway suspected she might pull away , but she didn 't . " I had such a crush on you , " Gina said , loud enough for Butch and Pam to hear . She was looking up at my face and I blushed a little . I was surprised at that , but thrilled , too . Gina 's smile was somehow shy and self - confident at the same time and it went straight to my heart . " Yes , I did , " she said . " Every girl in class did , Roland ; you were the cutest guy in the class and you made us laugh so much that advanced biology was actually fun . Girls like a guy who can make them laugh . Especially when he 's a cute , friendly guy , " she said with a sweet smile . " Gina , including me , there were only seven guys in that class , " I said . " So being the cutest guy in a group of seven nerds isn 't saying much . " I smiled as I said that , so she 'd know I was just kidding . " Roland , I thought you were one of the best looking guys in school , " she said . " And I still do . In fact , I think you 're the best looking guy there . " She pressed her body even closer to mine and I had to start doing some quick math calculations in my head to keep the feelings of lust in the background . " Ah , it would 've mattered to me , Gina . I didn 't have a girlfriend ; that girl , Patty , wanted to be my girlfriend but I wasn 't interested . I tried to be nice to her , though ; I don 't like to hurt anyone 's feelings . " " Like I said , I was just trying to be nice ; but you were the prettiest girl I knew . " I smiled , feeling a bit self - conscious . " I had a huge crush on you , Gina . I just didn 't think you would be interested in me . " " I was so stupid ! " I said . " I had a crush on the prettiest girl in school and she had a crush on me ! " I shook my head . " Guess I missed my chance . " " What makes you think that you missed your chance , Roland ? " she asked . " Everyone deserves a second chance . I had a crush on you then , but I thought you were taken . " She looked into my eyes again . " And you really aren 't dating anyone now ? Other than that blind date you just dumped ? " ' Dumped ' sounded like a harsh word , but I nodded agreement . " Good , " she said with a smile and tilted her head up toward me . " Because I still have a crush on you . " The car was dark , except for the changing shadows of light from the distant movie screen , since Butch had parked near the rear , but flickering light from the movie flashed from Gina 's dark eyes as she looked into mine . Her warm body was pressed against me and it just felt so right . I looked into her dark , beautiful eyes and she 'd lifted her face toward mine , so I leaned in to kiss her . Her full , warm lips welcomed mine and I put my other arm around her and slid my hand over her stomach , then up her side to her wonderful breast . I couldn 't believe how good her body felt . But since Butch and Pam were in the front seat , I knew I couldn 't go as far as I wanted ; that would have to wait until we were alone . I wasn 't usually openly affectionate in front of other people , and I didn 't think it would be fair to Gina to push too much . She 'd just met Butch and Pam , not ten minutes earlier , and I thought it would be foolish to put her in the position of having to refuse my advances . Besides , I felt certain by then that if we were alone , she wouldn 't be reticent about some hot and heavy making out , though . But for the time being , a long , passionate kiss seemed safe enough , and after that first kiss , we didn 't , as Butch said , watch much of the movie . After the movie was over , we went to a pizza place for a while , but didn 't stay long because Pam had a curfew . Butch drove Pam home and walked her to the door . Gina and I waited while they said goodnight and it seemed to take at least ten minutes , so rather than waste the time we kissed some more and when I slid my hand near her breast , she placed my hand right on it . After a minute or two , I reached up under her blouse just to feel the heat from her smooth skin . When Butch got back to the car , Gina straightened her blouse before he got in and we gave her a ride home . I walked her to the door and we kissed goodnight , a long , passionate kiss with my hands running up and down her back , through her hair and over her shoulders , completely outside of her clothes , and I held her warm , wonderful body close to mine . I didn 't want to stop and clearly neither did Gina , but then a light came on inside the house . " That 's my father , " Gina said . " I better get inside before he opens the door . " She quickly tucked a folded paper napkin from the pizza place into the rear pocket of my jeans , gave me a quick kiss on my cheek and then went inside . Walking back to the car , I took the napkin from my pocket , unfolded it and found she 'd written her name , phone number , and below that " Call me … " my heart almost skipped a beat . The girl I 'd had a crush two years earlier had , and still has , a crush on me too ! And I never would 've guessed . I was so happy that I felt like was walking on air when I got back to the car . " What do you mean ? " I asked . At first , I thought it might be because I was an Honors student every year , and I made that look easy , but that was only because I loved to read . So , my grades couldn 't be it ; Butch had already graduated high school and I 'm sure couldn 't have cared less about me making Honor Roll . Then , I knew a lot of people , probably more than Butch , but that was because I made a real effort to be friendly with everyone I met . " I mean - like tonight , " he said . " You go out on a blind date that turns out to be a big mistake , then you leave with a girl that looks like Gina ! And it turns out that she 'd had a crush on you and you didn 't even realize it . " He smiled . " I didn 't know you had it in you . " Butch sounded truly surprised , and I resented it a little that he didn 't think I was good enough to go out with the really pretty girls . " Yeah , I know , " I said . " I guess I 'm just lucky . Gina is really pretty , isn 't she ? " I said and smiled . " But most of the guys at school think Linda Wells is the prettiest girl in our high school . I don 't , but most of the guys do . " " But , she 's kind of an air head , too , " I said . " Gina 's more my type , and she just happens to be really good looking , too . " I hesitated a moment . " Sexy , too , " I added and Butch laughed at me , but it was a laugh of admiration . I suppressed a blush . " Come on , Butch , " I said . " Everybody knows that Pam 's the prettiest girl in her high school , and she goes out with you ! " I saw in Butch 's face that I might 've hurt his feelings , so I laughed to let him know I wasn 't being serious . But I did know a whole lot of people in town , especially in the neighborhoods around where I 'd lived . Butch was one of my childhood friends whom I had kept up with , and I 'd met quite a few people through him . I had a few other friends besides Butch , but I still saw him more than anyone else in town . If anything , I was jealous of Butch . He was big into sports , had played baseball on the school team and had that all - American , boy - next - door but - maybe - a - little - dangerous look . He was held back a year in grade school , so he was a nineteen year old senior when he graduated and could date any girl he wanted . But I was more the nerd - type : smart ( at least that 's what they 'd always told me in school ) , okay in sports but nothing special , always made Honor Role but I 'd usually rather spend an afternoon reading than go up to Butch 's house to play softball with his friends , most of whom I didn 't know very well . I was shy , I knew that , but guys like Butch intimidated me ; I didn 't play on any sports team , or go boating and water skiing at the lake every summer and hang out with the cool kids , the clique that cheerleaders followed around . I knew I couldn 't just ask out any girl I wanted without risking the embarrassment of being turned down . And I really had a fear of being turned down ; I 'd usually felt like it was a flaw on my part . I was that nice guy , the kind who everyone wants to sign your yearbook , but instead of girls writing ' Will miss you over the summer ' with a little heart beside it and their phone number below ( as a lot of my friends got ) , but both the girls and guys would write something like : " A friend that can be trusted " , " To the most trustworthy friend I have " , or " Always stay just the way you are " . I mean , that was nice and all , but nothing to make me think any of the girls would want to be more than just good friends . Maybe that 's what he meant : it was almost as though I had some guardian angel , or something , watching over me , keeping me from screwing up everything . I 'd never really thought about it before , but I guess that is pretty lucky . Up until that point , I 'd only had three ' girlfriends ' : Elise , Linda , and Patty . Elise , from 7th grade Art class - she was cute , pretty , in her own way , and sweet , but also a little quirky , the way some artsy types can be . Then Linda , ( not Linda Wells ) who was in my 8th grade homeroom ; she had long , straight , silky blond hair and blue eyes that sparkled like star sapphires . I fell for her based on her admittedly stunning beauty , but soon realized she knew just how pretty she was , and acted as though she was used to it , even felt entitled to get her way in everything and that was a little too controlling for my tastes . Then , there was Patty , in ninth grade , the girl Gina had thought was my girlfriend . I shouldn 't really count Patty , though , because that relationship was more in her imagination than in reality . With her , it had started when she 'd show up at my locker between classes ' just to say hi ' and in around the second month of school , she 'd invited me to visit her at home . So I accepted the invitation and had the pleasure of meeting her parents over the course of an excellent dinner . Her mother and father were very nice people , a little old , I thought , to be Patty 's parents . They both had a strong accent , what Dad would call Bohemian , though I didn 't know what that meant . Despite the accent , they were down to earth people , extra friendly and quick to laugh ; I admit I had a great time . But when I left , I got the distinct impression they expected to see me again . They appeared almost relieved to think that Patty had a boyfriend ! I thought it possible that because they were old , they wanted Patty to have someone when they were no longer around . I also thought it was more likely that I 'd misread them entirely . But , rather than take the chance that Patty might get the wrong idea , and have her feelings hurt later , I told her I liked her , a lot , but I didn 't want to " go steady " with anyone right now . I would 've felt responsible if I 'd let it go on and then really hurt her feelings . Patty was still hurt , I could tell , though not as much as she would 've been otherwise . I think . " So , how long 's it been since you last saw Gina ? " Butch asked . " Did she say it was in the 9th grade when she had a crush on you ? " " Yes , we were in freshman year . Almost two years ago . I watched for her in the hallways last year , but the new high school is huge and I never saw her . " " I guess so , " I said . " I certainly didn 't forget her ! We were in the same advanced bio class that year , and I thought then that she was the prettiest girl I 'd ever met . Butch , Gina could 've dated any guy in school if she wanted . And with all those jocks around , I figured she wouldn 't give me a second look . " " I 'm surprised she 'd pick you , too , " Butch said with a laugh . " But now you know she liked you in school , and judging by tonight , she likes you even more now . " He looked at me in disbelief . " And you didn 't even know , man ! She had to tell you herself ! " Butch laughed . " Pretty ? Roland - Gina 's got to be one of the best looking girls in your school and all you say is she 's pretty ! " Butch was right ; saying Gina was just " pretty " was an understatement . She had a vaguely Mediterranean look , Italian , I think , with dark , beautiful , eyes and smooth , olive skin . Her long , silky hair , the color of the baker 's chocolate my Mom cooks with , cascaded over her well - shaped shoulders and onto her adult - woman 's breasts . And voluptuous was the perfect word for a body that had filled out in all the right places . I thought she was beautiful the first time I laid eyes on her , and , for me at least , still the best looking girl in school . If I hadn 't taken that class , I might never have met Gina . I guess it was another one of those times Butch talked about , where things just seemed to work out for me despite what I do . I hadn 't originally signed up for advanced bio ; I was in the second year French class when school started , but nearly thirty students had signed up for it , so at least seven of us had to switch to a different elective . I knew I could take French the following year , but my father insisted I only take the advanced classes so that limited my choices . I 'd always liked science and so I thought I 'd take Physics , since I knew the math in first year Physics wouldn 't be anything I couldn 't handle , but all that was still available was advanced biology . The whole scheduling problem turned out to be a lucky break and it was still paying off , almost two years later . I was the smartest guy in that class , and I knew from experience that a lot of times other guys don 't like a smart kid who might make them look worse , especially when a teacher graded on a curve . So I 'd gotten in the habit of being funny , since everyone likes to laugh . Our teacher in that class , Mrs . Braxton , was fairly young and liked the fact that I took the course work seriously , instead of it being only the girls who did well . And since I treated the work as important and usually , well , almost always , knew the answers when she asked the class a question , Mrs . Braxton let me get away with joking around a little , before I gave her the answer . I made a point of including her when I was kidding around , just as if she was one of us , the students . I think she appreciated that . The main reason I did well in all my classes , except math , was that , beginning in 5th grade , I read all of my textbooks in the first two weeks every year , so I didn 't have to study as hard the rest of the semester to make good grades . I 'd picked up my love of reading from my Dad : he subscribed to two newspapers , several trade journal and magazines , plus bought a copy of Popular Science several times a year . I 'd read our entire set of encyclopedias by time I was twelve ( but , to be honest , I 'd skipped the few articles that didn 't appeal to me ) . Then I convinced Mom to but my . 99 cent paperbacks at the grocery store once in a while . I even read everything on the cereal box at breakfast ! The only classes I had problems with was mathematics ; even though I 'd read the text books , I still needed help to even get a " B " . And if I 'd gotten more than one ' B ' in a semester , I wouldn 't make Honor Roll . That was one of the few things Dad actually praised me for . " We did watch the movie , Roland . I told you I 'd fill you in on what happened . But I couldn 't resist a quick glance now and then , " he said . " But you 're right , it 's getting late and I told Pam I 'd stop back by on my way home . I guess I should get going , before it 's too late and I have to see her Dad . " " Definitely , " I said . " Probably on Monday ; I don 't want to look too desperate , " I said and laughed . " Then again , maybe I 'll call her tomorrow afternoon . I 'd hate to wait too long , you know . " " Yeah , " he said . " A good looking girl like Gina probably has guys after her all the time . And you thought you 'd missed your chance once already ; don 't make the same mistake again . " " Yeah , I know . I 'm not going to let that happen , " I said with a smile . Butch started the car and pulled out onto the road . I stood there until the tail lights were out of sight , then turned and started toward the house . With no moon , only starlight lit the way , so I had to watch my step and miss the hard ridges of dried mud and the potholes left by cars and pickup trucks driving down the lane when it was wet . About halfway down the lane , there was an old wood post on each side , so I stopped and leaned back against one of them . The muggy heat of the day had dissipated and lent the cooler night air a clarity that 's only seen far from city lights . I looked up at the stars , so numerous against the sky they were almost overwhelming , and I traced out some of the constellations I recognized . When I was ten years old , my Dad had bought me a six - inch reflector telescope for Christmas , and I 'd spent a lot of nights finding the planets and looking closely at the moon ; learning the constellations and the names of some of the stars just came along with that . I no longer had the telescope , but still knew most of the stars and constellations , and I could recognize the planets when one was in the sky . The brightest star , almost directly overhead , was Vega , in the constellation called the Lyre , which was something like a harp . It was right on the edge of where the Milky Way meandered across the sky . I knew how to trace the Milky Way north to the constellation Cassiopeia , the beautiful queen of Greek mythology , and I pictured Gina , reclining on the goddess 's royal sofa , draped in a satiny gown . That was how I felt about Gina that evening . It had just been so nice with her warm body pressed against mine , her beautifully formed breasts … Just then I heard the woman / baby - crying , growling sound of a bobcat , calling from back toward the swamp , and I knew that cat must 've found a mate . Lucky cat . That shook me from my daydreaming and reminded that I was just standing in the dark , so I double checked my pocket where I 'd put Gina 's number , then walked the rest of the way to the house . I was infatuated with Gina , and just thinking about her smile and unbelievably wonderful body almost made me want to skip ; something I hadn 't done since I was a child . I felt silly , but in a good way , a way I 'd never felt before , and couldn 't wait for the next day to come so that I could call Gina , see her beautiful face again . I looked across the field to the tree line that was black against the sky and noticed the fog beginning to roll from the woods out over the field . Until I moved to the farm I 'd never seen fog like that : it was a band about five feet high and too thick to see through but floated about two feet above the ground , and you could bend low and look underneath it all the way to the woods . Bobcats and the fog , I thought ; maybe the Indians were onto something . As I finished the walk home , fighting the urge to kick up my heels , or do something else stupid , I thought about what Butch had said : that I was lucky , that things just seem to come to me , or work out for the best , without me even trying . Obviously , I couldn 't complain to Andrea for setting me up with ' Debbs ' because if I hadn 't gone on that blind date with that pretentious snob of a girl , I wouldn 't have run into Gina . Andrea didn 't owe me for that favor at all ; if anything , I owed her . That was clearly just one more time when what I 'd thought was a big disappointment was actually what I 'd needed , after all . I realized then that Butch might be right : I had been lucky , I was lucky and things always did seem to work out for me . Especially when I wasn 't trying to force anything , but just accepted what whatever the day brought . I decided then that rather than let my lust control what I do ( and with Gina , I knew there was a lot of lust involved ) , I 'd wait until Monday to call her . I felt like calling Gina the very next day might be a bad idea , like I was pushing for something to happen before its time . And it probably wouldn 't be smart of me to try to force things , since if I just let what happens happen , I 'd be happier with whatever came my way on its own . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

Gora ran to her across the garden . " For mercy 's sake , child , what are you doing ? " she exclaimed . " Why are you making yourself dirty ? " " It 's no good looking at me with those pleading eyes , " said Gora , pulling her up and trying to hide a smile . " I can 't help you this time . The Priestess wants to see you , and her wish is an order . Come , you 'll have to have a bath . " Amapola also had on a fine robe and the gold earrings she wore for special occasions . Gora , when she joined them , had combed her wiry hair . The three of them , with Vio in the middle , walked up the road to the high gate in the city wall . A breeze from the river lifted their hair and fanned the summer heat . It was cooler once they reached the shade of the paved street between the earth - walled houses , and Vio skipped and jumped , hanging on the hands of the two women , enjoying the sound of her reed sandals flapping on the flagstones . Vio and the two women crossed the open square - the market was almost deserted at that time of day - climbed the steps and entered the Temple . When her eyes became used to the dim light , Vio saw there was no one else inside . She was very curious now about why she had been called and what would happen . She saw the gleam of metal as the Priestess , wearing her gold head - dress and girdle , came out of the shadows at the back of the Temple to stand in front of the altar . Amapola and Gora bowed deeply as they approached her . Vio , without lowering her head , bent her knees quickly . The Priestess smiled at her , and stepped forward to put her hands lightly on Vio 's head . Before she could duck , the Priestess removed her hands again , but Vio 's head was tingling . But the Priestess didn 't answer . Suddenly her expression changed and became fierce . She drew herself up and held her arms above her head , in the same posture as the stone Goddess on the altar behind her . The lamp flickered and threw long shadows of both of them all round the Temple . Gazing into Vio 's now startled eyes , the Priestess chanted in the voice she used for the Temple rites , " May the Goddess bless you , Vio , saviour of your race and mother of the new child . " Vio , recovering from the fright the Priestess 's dramatic appearance had given her , was feeling angry . It was not fair that she had been made to dress up and come to the Temple for this woman to treat her so strangely and give her a message that didn 't mean anything to her . She turned and ran outside , and at the bottom of the steps she took her sandals off and threw them as far as she could . When her mother and nurse joined her they didn 't scold her as she expected . Her mother , who never talked very much , gave her a quick hug . A man who was crossing the marketplace returned her sandals , bowing as he recognised members of the royal clan , and Gora just thanked him and let her walk away with bare feet . Vio stopped and stared at her mother and nurse . Her expression was fiercely determined . " No , I will not , " she said . " You 'll see . " Nothing changed in Vio 's pleasant life after that strange day . Her family was one of the highest in the town . Her mother , Amapola , was a sister of the reigning Queen of Kynopolis and her father , Pepi , a cousin in the second degree . They lived in a spacious house with thick earth walls and a courtyard , on the bank of the green river , with flowering shrubs and palm trees in the garden behind it , just outside the Fishermen 's Gate on the road to the port . Vio had her own room at the back of the house , with a window looking out on the garden and the river , and she liked to decorate it with coloured stones and plants and pieces of driftwood . Her most prized possession was a whole snake - skin , with the dark markings still clearly visible in the flimsy transparent casing , that she had found on a bush in the garden . She loved to climb the stairs to the flat roof of the house in the evening , and watch the sun go down beyond fields and palm groves on the other side of the river . She didn 't spend much time with her parents . Her father was kind but distant , and spent most of the day in his study , where rolls of parchment in niches lined the walls ; his main interest in life was preserving the records of the royal clan . Her mother liked clothes and fabrics , and was often to be found in the workroom where two girls wove cloth for her at wooden looms . Vio sometimes went to sit there with her , and her mother was always pleased to see her , but didn 't have much to say to her . She went to council meetings at the Palace and helped to organise the royal concerts . It was Gora that Vio went to with the questions her curious mind kept coming up with - " Did I come out of an egg ? " " Why doesn 't the moon fall down ? " - and Gora always had an answer and was always patient . Patient with her curiosity , not with her naughtiness , which she dealt with strictly and justly . The blot on Vio 's happy life , or so it seemed to her for many years , was her brother Samal . He was two years older than her and big and strong , and he had what seemed to Vio a mean and silly sense of humour . He loved to tease Vio , and her violent reactions only made him worse . They had good moments , when he taught her games , like spinning a top or hopscotch , but mostly he didn 't have much patience with her . At first Vio remembered quite often the scene in the Temple , with a tightening in her chest . She even dreamed of the Priestess standing over her , threatening in the candle - light . One day , after a particularly vivid dream , where the Priestess had been about to set fire to her hair with the candle and she had woken up just in time , she came into the kitchen for breakfast and found Samal sitting on the mat opposite her with a smirk on his face . " Samal ! " exclaimed Gora , nearly dropping the plate of porridge the cook was handing to her . She put it down in front of Vio . " Why ever would you say a thing like that ? " " I heard you and Mother talking , " said Samal . " It 's true , isn 't it ? Vio 's going to be the mother of a special child ? " Samal didn 't dodge quickly enough , and the porridge stuck to the side of his head and trickled down on to his shoulder . Samal looked angry for a moment and then he started to laugh . Vio stopped frowning and laughed too . " You should be ashamed , the pair of you , " said Gora . " That 's good food you are wasting . And you might as well stop quarrelling if you 're on the same side anyway . " " Then don 't behave like one and stop teasing your sister , " said Gora . " I never want to hear you mention the child again . And if I find you listening behind closed doors , you will be very sorry . " " All right then , the royal clan . Why would we need saving ? You can see the future sometimes . If you don 't understand , how could I ? " " I can sometimes read people 's fate in the stones , " said Gora . " People are mostly quite simple . But it 's much more difficult to read the future of a race . Lately I see dark shadows over the future of us all . I can 't see clearly what they are , and it worries me . " " I don 't know why you should worry , " said Vio , who was not fond of problems . " Our race is doing very nicely . We all live very well . " " Well yes , I know , " said Vio . " But nobody bothers them . And if it does mean the Lupaka , they 're living safely in the forest . You 've always told us no one can invade that place . " Vio 's life was truly privileged . Like other members of the royal clan , she and her family spent a lot of time at the Palace . Vio and Samal were close in age to the Queen 's children , so they had grown up as part of the inner family . However , they were free to come and go , while their cousins were practically confined to the Palace building . And they were not even supposed to go everywhere inside the Palace , though Vio had persuaded her cousin Ibisia to explore with her till she knew almost every corner of the building . It was built of stone , with a porch and a wide entryway , and a great hall for councils and feasts occupying the whole of one wing . Passageways led in the other direction to bedrooms , and sitting rooms , and storerooms , and shrines to the Goddess and the sacred animals , and kitchens for cooking meals and medicines . All the kitchens were out of bounds to children , and the day Vio and Ibisia were caught in the larder off the main kitchen , sampling the preserves , there was a serious row . Everyone knew it was Vio 's fault , because Ibisia was a pale , timid child who would never dare to be disobedient on her own , but to be fair the Queen punished both of them , by banning them from a holiday feast . Vio took her punishment calmly , but Ibisia was upset , and refused to explore again till a couple of years later , when something almost worse happened . They heard a strange sound behind a door off one of the stone corridors , and Vio tiptoed up and opened it . The male cook was on the bed there with one of the Queen 's maidservants , both of them with almost nothing on and very excited . They stared at Vio , and they looked terrified . Vio stood staring back long enough for Ibisia to come up behind her and glimpse the scene over her shoulder ; then she recovered from her shock and hurriedly shut the door . They kept the secret to themselves , and no adult ever mentioned it , but for a long time they were afraid that some kind of vengeance would catch up with them . After that they would just sit and talk , or play games , or Ibisia would play her flute . Luckily she played well , and Vio , though she was not particularly musical , enjoyed listening to her , because like the princess she was , Ibisia simply expected Vio to be her audience . There were stairs up from the hall to a big , light room on the Palace roof , with wall paintings of birds and animals and a view over the town , and that was where they liked to sit . From there the town was a spread of flat roofs , with dark gullies criss - crossing it which were the streets . The stone wall surrounding it was as high as the houses , and higher at the points where the three arched gateways - the Dog Gate , the Boar Gate , the Fishermen 's Gate - broke into it . In the middle was the open space of the market square where the Temple also stood , and from the Palace the golden head and raised arms of the Goddess on the Temple roof could be seen above the houses . A wide arched doorway opened from the roof room on to a terrace with its own outside stairs and a stone altar , where rites could be performed in full view of the townspeople , and this always reminded Vio that the royal family was separate from everyone else . The Palace had fine furnishings and ornaments , and servants carried out all the family 's wishes . If you had to be imprisoned , Vio thought , the Palace was not a bad place for it . But nothing could have persuaded Vio to exchange her freedom for her cousins ' luxurious life . There were poorer members of the royal clan too . Some of them lived in the country as farmers , and in bad years , when there was not enough rain , they had a hard time . Vio knew also that there were mestizos like herself living a workers ' life at the port . Lately she had come to understand that they were the illegitimate children of men of the clan and their descendants . But as far as she knew their lives were ordinary and peaceful enough . The next time she went to the Palace she studied the royal family , wondering what could happen to threaten them . She saw a typical , peaceful afternoon scene . Her aunt , Queen Katelia , was serene . At that moment she was reclining on soft cushions in her sitting - room , at the centre of a group of clansmen , who were amusing her with family gossip . Uncle Melops , the Queen 's consort , stood near her looking large and prosperous and satisfied . Ibisia , Vio 's older cousin , was smiling and graceful . Tinina was a pretty child still . Only their brother Tankret looked grumpy , as he always did . With a flash of surprise at her own imagination , Vio found herself thinking that if trouble was to come from within this family , it would be from Tankret . It was odd , thought Vio , that Ibisia and Tankret could be sister and brother . Ibisia had grown out of her childhood pallor and shyness , and was sleek and beautiful with her creamy hair , and dignified though modest in bearing . Whereas Tankret was a lump , with hair low down on his forehead and ungainly limbs . There could be no better illustration of the superiority of the royal women . It was Gora who told the stories of the Lupaka to the children while they were growing up . They sat on the reed mats in the roof room at the Palace , and listened , enchanted , as she described the Navel , the settlement where the Lupaka had lived since the beginning of time . Modest wooden houses stood in circles around a Temple that was like a hill of stone with mysterious caves inside it . Powerful Priestesses performed strange rites and foresaw the future ; and great artists who were also seers made images of their gods . Doges ensured that justice reigned among the people . They were all musicians , and made fine wooden decorations for their houses and seasonal jewellery from the forest plants . Vio listened to Gora 's descriptions over and over again and always wanted to know more . She asked how people chose names for their children , and Gora said , " mostly from stars and plants " . She asked what colours the girls liked to wear , and Gora said " the colours of the flowers and leaves of the forest " . She wanted to know what furniture they had , and Gora said they mostly sat on chairs and ate from tables . She knew so much about the Navel , it was as if she could walk the streets there and enter any house and feel at home . The Temple , too , she had visited often in her imagination , and felt awed by its dark interior . Gora also told them how their own dynasty was founded , when the first brave explorer , Polon , found his way to Kynopolis from the Navel . The people of the town had always worshipped the Dog among their gods , and even had a prediction that a dog - man would come from far away to change the course of their history , so when Polon appeared he was welcomed as a prodigy . Some peasants found him sleeping in a field , and when they saw his strong , hairy body and long nose and toes they fell on their knees , gasping with awe . He woke and reassured them , and they led him to the gateway in the city walls that was called the Dog Gate , because of the fierce dog carved in relief on one of its pillars . There a startled sentry asked him to wait , while he sent a message to the Palace . The Queen herself , proud Kantalisia , came out to meet him , escorted by tall courtiers who held a canopy over her fine , dark head . She was extraordinarily beautiful , with golden - red skin and slanting eyes outlined in black . She and Polon looked at each other and fell in love , and she led him back in triumphal procession to the Palace , with the crowd that had gathered cheering as they passed . Kantalisia expelled her human consort , and lived with Polon happily ever after . So Gora said . In spite of Polon 's fabulous origin , Kantalisia was careful never to give him any real power ; there was never any doubt she was the ruler , and she ruled well , increasing the territory and wealth of Kynopolis . Their eldest daughter became Queen after her . And all of them , Gora said - all the children listening to her story - were descended from Polon and Kantalisia and could be proud of their inheritance . The marriage of Kantalisia and Polon was several generations in the past , but the Lupaka blood was strong , and almost all their descendants showed some sign of their mixed inheritance , in the long , sharp features , the lilting gait or the extra hair . The royal clan believed that mixed blood was an advantage , that plain humans like their subjects were weaker and less intelligent . For a long time now they had married only among themselves , not wanting to further dilute the blood of their Lupaka ancestor . Gora was pure Lupaka . She had come alone from the Navel , one of the adventurous spirits of her people , driven by a desire to see the world beyond the dense forest where they lived , and had been invited by Vio 's grandmother to look after Amapola when she was little . She had been with their family ever since . She was small and wiry and had a wrinkled face , and she laughed often , so that people forgot to be shy of her penetrating eyes . Vio , of course , was used to Gora 's odd appearance and usually took it for granted ; occasionally , however , her teacher 's angular body and the hair on her hands and the long ears that framed her thin , alert face surprised her with their strangeness . Gora said that when she first came to Kynopolis many people were afraid of her ; but they had soon discovered that she was a very clever doctor and there was hardly a house in Kynopolis that she hadn 't visited to bring healing and advice . As time passed and Vio and the other children became adolescents , they no longer wanted to spend a lot of time sitting and listening to stories . There were more interesting things to do in the hours they had free from lessons . Samal was attending the boys ' school in town , mixing with the boys from the merchant families , as was the custom for the sons of the royal clan . It was supposed to give them understanding of each others ' interests and way of life , and in a general way it did . The clan girls did not go to the human girls ' school , because their parents were afraid they would meet human boys in town and fall in love with them . Gora didn 't like this distinction ; she said girls shouldn 't be treated as if they were weaker than boys , and they were not getting a proper education . The future Queen and her sisters were given a special education at the Palace , and Vio knew she was lucky to have Gora as a tutor . She was studying with her , as well as the history and science of Kynopolis , the Lupaka knowledge of the stars , and music , and medicinal plants . And the Lupaka language ; Gora was happy to be able to speak to her in her own language . Since Vio had no sister , and Ibisia was confined to the Palace , there were no girls to join her in the activities she liked . It was at that stage that she discovered the advantages of having an elder brother and stopped quarrelling with him all the time . When he teased her , she took it as a joke , which was how he meant it . Samal , in any case , was not someone it was easy to be annoyed with for long . He was good - looking , tall and strong with dark , curly hair , and he was amusing and kind . He brought his friends home , and they often let her join in their sports . When they went sailing , specially , they liked to take her with them , because she turned out to be clever with boats . It seemed the wind was always on her side . They usually had several small reed boats moored where the garden behind the house sloped down to the river . They were not very solid boats , rafts really , and if they collided with each other or with the river bank they were easily damaged and sometimes fell apart . Then , while they waited for their generous parents to get the rafts replaced , the friends had to make do with swimming as a sport . They were all good swimmers , but Vio could hold her own with the boys when they raced . It was while they were in the water together , with almost nothing on , that she was able to study the difference between royal and human bodies . As children they had run around naked , and she had learned the difference between males and females long ago . Now it amused her to see that while Samal and Keni , his friend from the clan , were getting hair right down their fronts and a lot on their backs as well , their human friend Anil had hair only in a few special places . And Anil 's legs were longer . She herself , like all females , had less body hair , but her nose was long and her ears had long lobes inherited from the Lupaka . Samal 's friends invited him to their houses , too , and sometimes Vio was included in the invitation . The first time she went to Anil 's moon day party , she was curious to see what a human house was like . Anil 's house was on the market square , one of a two - storey row . On the outside it looked ordinary , but inside it was spacious and had fine wooden furniture , including tables to eat off , and colourful carpets covering most of the polished floor . Vio thought that Anil 's father must be good at selling things . This house , though much smaller , was almost as luxurious as the Palace , and most of the things in it looked new . Some of the Palace furnishings were old and almost shabby . Anil called Seso and she came to be introduced . She was a pretty girl ( pretty in the short - nosed , human way ) with fair skin and reddish hair . " Come and sit in my room , " she said to Vio . " We can talk better there . " " He wouldn 't want me to and my parents would never let me . They say outdoor sports are not for girls . And I 'm bored with the school gymnasium . " " Maybe in the royal clan it 's different , " said Seso . " And my grandma says she used to swim in the river , but my parents don 't take what she says seriously . They just want me to get ready to be the wife of a rich man . " Vio felt sorry for Seso and didn 't know what to say , there were so many protests in her mind . But at that moment Anil came to fetch them to play human checkers , on the board inlaid in the floor of the entrance hall ; so they went downstairs , and Vio didn 't have another chance to talk to Seso , except as she was leaving , when she said to her , " I hope to see you on the river soon . " Seso just smiled and raised her eyebrows . Gora and Amapola stood on either side of Vio , holding their gifts of flowers and fruit , and at that moment Vio felt close to both of them and proud of entering the community of women to which they all belonged . She remembered the prediction the Priestess had made in that same Temple , and she was glad no one had referred to it . What we 're celebrating happens to all females , she thought . It 's nothing to do with me being special . " All right , " said Samal , who usually acted as their leader . " It 's still early . We 'll just go round the next bend . " They had disobeyed the rule quite frequently , because round the next bend there was a grove of palm trees at the river 's edge , and they liked to moor in their shade and cool off before turning back . It had never seemed to be a problem that the river was a bit narrower at that point and ran a bit faster . They were quite strong enough to pull away and the wind usually helped . This afternoon as usual they tied up the boats and sprawled across them to relax . Vio splashed water on herself to enjoy the sensation of the breeze drying it off . But suddenly the breeze became a strong wind and the sun disappeared . Vio shivered . They both let go of the paddles as they struggled with it , and they drifted quite a long way downstream . Samal was doing better . At least by pulling on the paddles he had kept his boat stationary , and Anil had got the sail down . They were shouting at Vio and Keni , but could no longer be heard above the sound of the wind . Rain had started , too , and was rapidly becoming a downpour . Then there was a horrible crack , as the mast collapsed with the straining sail and tore the floor of Vio 's boat , and water started to rush in . She and Keni had just lost their foothold and started to swim when the bigger boat reached them and they grabbed the oars the fishermen held out to them . They were hauled aboard and lay panting for a moment on the deck . Then Vio looked up and saw that all the men on board were staring at her . They had not expected to pick up a girl , and in her wet clothes she could just as well be naked . The captain , their saviour , was a young man with dark skin , short curly hair and very white teeth . He said severely to Vio , " You shouldn 't have been out here . It was stupid . You could have been killed . " Vio and Samal were apt pupils and taking sailing seriously made them apply the experience they already had with better results . Vio was amazed at how precisely Yon could make one of their little boats respond to his hand , and how he used every breath of wind to go where he wanted , and she watched and copied him till she had almost the same control herself . When Yon was satisfied with her performance , and the boys ' too , he said they were ready to go on to a bigger vessel , and he found an old fishing boat at the port for them to try ; and the lessons began all over again . Pepi , Vio and Samal 's father , asked them why they were spending so much time at the port , and they told him about Yon . Pepi wanted to meet him , so they brought him to the house one evening after their sailing practice . They could see that Yon was feeling nervous , and Samal teased him as they approached the house , " We don 't actually eat people in the clan . " Yon just grinned at her , and Samal pushed open the front door and led them inside . Gora was sitting in the hall , and she also smiled reassuringly at Yon and said " Father 's in his study . Come . " " So you 're the sailing teacher , " said Pepi . " You must have a lot of patience . " And he directed a mock frown at Samal and Vio . " No , Sir , " said Yon . " I have to earn my living . But our fishing boats are not out all the time . It 's my free time I spend with them . " " Very wise , " said Pepi . " There 's plenty of time to get involved in that predicament . " He frowned again at Samal and Vio and everyone laughed . Gora brought in a tray with cups of herb tea , and Pepi motioned them all to sit down on the cushions in the middle of his study . He asked Yon for details about his fishing trips , no longer testing Yon but because he was interested , and Yon told him about the different fishes and the changes in landscape toward the sea . Vio and Samal were fascinated too . In the mean time their parents didn 't allow them to neglect their cousins at the Palace . Vio felt bored playing checkers and guessing games , which were children 's pastimes compared to their training on the river , and she found it more and more difficult to talk to her girl cousins . They had almost nothing in common any more . Vio hated to imagine what it would be like , now they were older and must be curious about the world , not to be able to go outside except occasionally to the Temple , or make friends with anyone who was not a close relative . " The men are taking over , " said Gora . " I don 't know how it 's happened , but the men are taking over . It 's not healthy . " Ibisia , the elder of the two girls ( she was a year older than Vio ) , was not looking well . Her naturally fair skin was pale and dull , her green eyes had no light in them and her cream - coloured hair hung limply . One afternoon the two of them sat in the roof room at the Palace , gazing out at the town through the arch that led on to the terrace . Vio suddenly noticed Ibisia was having trouble breathing and her eyes , fixed with longing on the horizon , had tears in them . She was startled ; Ibisia always behaved so perfectly and was so controlled . " What 's the matter , Ibi ? " she burst out , and then she was afraid her concern had been the last straw . Ibisia was struggling not to cry . Vio kept quiet and looked in the other direction . Neither of them were girls who enjoyed emotional scenes . " It 's Tankret . He refuses to go to school any more , and quarrels all the time with Papa , and says horrible things to Mother and makes her cry . And he 's unkind to the servants . He even hit one of them the other day . " " I know . But I suppose he 's jealous because people make more fuss of me and Tinina . He 's probably more sensitive than he looks . " " I have to try to understand him . He 's my brother . Don 't tell anyone I told you about it , will you ? He 'll probably get over it . " They were sitting on mats round the low table in the family dining room , as they had done so often before , but the relaxed and happy atmosphere of their childhood was missing . Katelia tried to keep them talking , about a concert she was planning at the Palace , but Tankret interrupted so often , belching and complaining about the food , that she gave up . Vio watched Tankret , who was sprawling rudely on the cushions , pushing his sisters away from the food , and thought how ugly he was , with his pouting lips and heavy head and chubby limbs . And he was hairy . He had bristles coming out of his ears and nose and poking from the sides of his tunic . But the top of his head was smooth ; the long hair was at the sides and back . Vio thought that actually he made her feel sick . Samal had always got on with Tankret by playing rough games with him but not letting him go too far ; Samal was several years older and stronger and Tankret appeared to respect him . So Samal said , " Come on , that 's Vio you 're talking to . Why should she stare at you ? She knows what you look like . " " She 's rude , " shouted Tankret , sitting up straight . " You 're rude . Neither of you has any right to treat me like this . I 'm superior to you . When I 'm the boss round here you 'll see . " And he grinned nastily . There was a shocked silence round the table . Vio looked at Ibisia , meaning to signal that now she understood her , but Ibisia didn 't meet her eyes . Her face was flushed and she was looking at the floor . Katelia looked distressed , Melops furious , Samal astonished . Tinina appeared uninterested , perhaps because she didn 't understand the seriousness of her brother 's taunts . Tankret broke the silence to go on shouting , " Because I am going to become the ruler of this country , make no mistake . And then I will do what I like and you will have to obey me . And you will be the ones who are imprisoned while I am free . " Tankret was startled and subsided back on to the cushions . " But it 's not fair , " he went on in a changed voice , like a petulant child . " Why should they run around the town and sail boats on the river and I 'm shut up in here . They should be kept inside too . Tell them they must stay inside , " he shouted at his mother , his voice rising again . Tankret , now completely cowed , huddled up to his sister Ibisia , muttering " It 's not fair . It 's not fair , Ibi , is it ? You know it 's not fair . " " He must have been , " said Samal . " He hasn 't been ill or had any serious accidents . And he was strange even when he was a child . " " If Tankret goes on like that they 'll find out . We don 't have to worry them . And you know how difficult it is to talk about problems at meals . They don 't like it , and we feel rude . " " I can 't see what , " said Samal . " Our presence would only make him worse for now . We 'll have to wait and see . Maybe the other day was a kind of attack and he 'll get better . What could we do anyway ? Come on , let 's go down to the boat . " " There is good reason to be worried , " she said . " What you have told me fits in with what I see in the divining stones . But there really is nothing you can do . Enjoy your youth . We 'll deal with trouble when it reaches us . " There was a new member of the group . Anil had remembered Vio 's plea for someone to lend her a horse , and he talked to Jalkan , the son of a very rich human merchant who owned some horses . Jalkan came down to the boat to meet the group . He was tall and strong and good - looking , with the arrogant expression that well - off humans often had . He stepped on to the deck without being invited , and stared at Vio . Jalkan looked at Samal 's serious face and visibly decided to behave better . " I thought we might come to an agreement , " he said with a forced smile . " My father is expecting a new horse ; it 'll be arriving by boat any time now . I 'll persuade him to let your sister ride it , and in return you let me go sailing with you . I 've played most sports but I haven 't tried sailing . I thought it might be amusing . " " We aren 't all royals , " said Samal . " Anil is human , as you know . So is Yon , our teacher , who 's not here today . None of us are bothered with such distinctions , anyway . " " Well , you have now , " said Samal . " Vio , do you want us to accept his offer ? It 's you that wants to ride . " No one in the group was willing to disappoint her by saying no , so it was agreed Jalkan would sail with them . Vio was worried that he would be a nuisance and the group would be angry with her , but after that first meeting he was less aggressive and sometimes pleasant . He was not friendly to Yon , whom he apparently considered a servant , but Yon was not bothered and ignored Jalkan too . Jalkan very quickly became a competent sailor and his strength was useful in managing the old fishing boat Yon had found for them to use . Vio didn 't answer . It was the first time she had come up against a prohibition in such an unbearable way , and she didn 't know what to do . All she could think of was to appeal to Gora , though she expected her to take her parents ' side . Vio was surprised at the question . She had to think for a moment , and then she said , " It 's who I am . I can 't be stopped doing things that matter to me . No one has a right to decide for me . " Gora sighed and her expression became sad . " You must not try to exploit the prediction , you headstrong girl , " she said . " That 's tempting fate . But it is true you have to find your own way in the world . I will speak to your parents . " And she added , muttering to herself , " Some time they 're going to have to accept it . " For the first hour on the river , Vio wondered whether her victory had really been worth it , because she loved her parents and didn 't like to see them so upset . But then the joy of leaning into the wind , and watching the water rush away under the hull of the boat , took over and she began to feel at ease . She was where she wanted to be . " Oh yes . They take their crops to market in town . They pay their tithes and the Queen 's patrol protects them from the savages further up river . " Round the next wide bend was a sweep of golden sand with tall palms behind it . The sun was setting beyond their trunks and an intense , sweet light lay over the earth and water . Swallows were swooping and diving all round them . A little coil of smoke rose into the air and then a series of sparks , and the dry palm fronds easily caught fire . By the time night fell they were sitting round a crackling hearth , toasting the flat bread they ate with their salted meat . A pitcher of river water and a bag of dates completed their meal . Vio was surprised at how well he told his tale of brave warriors conquering a tribe in a far off region . His voice rose and fell with the events he narrated , and she could almost hear the spears flying and the blows of clubs on shields . His hawk - like face glowed with excitement in the firelight , and Vio thought how handsome he could be when his expression was not conceited . Vio went to lie down at the place she had chosen for herself at the end of the beach , far from the boys , which should please her parents , if they knew . Images from Jalkan 's tale returned to her mind , and as she looked them over she realised it had been all about the violence of men . He had never mentioned a woman fighting , or a queen in whose name the warriors fought . This worried her , but she felt too tired to think about it , and she was about to curl up in the sand and cover herself with her shawl when she heard Yon 's whistle in the palms to her left . Without hesitation , she crawled to the palms and stood up when she came to Yon 's feet . He explained , " I couldn 't call all of you . The hippos would run away . Come and see . " Vio was enchanted . " Why are baby creatures always so special ? " she exclaimed . But when she glanced at Yon , she saw he was not looking at the hippos but at her , with adoration in his eyes . Vio couldn 't get to sleep right away . The moon came up , and she lay looking at it , and the gleaming path it made on the river , and pictures of Jalkan 's sharp , handsome profile and Yon 's dark , loving eyes alternated in her mind . Finally her eyes flickered shut and sleep overcame her . When she woke early in the morning , she saw Yon standing in the river with a spear and net . She wanted to run and join him , but for the first time in her friendship with Yon she hesitated . Then she saw Jalkan watching her from the boys ' end of the beach , and she turned and walked across the sand toYon . Jalkan ran and joined them at the same time , asking her loudly how she had slept . Vio knew that the fish would be scared away , and signed to him to be quiet ; but Yon said , " That 's it for this morning . The light 's too strong already , " and came out of the water . He had three nice fish in his net and the group revived the fire and cooked them for breakfast . " Maybe you should , " said Jalkan . " You 're getting to be a big girl . " Vio didn 't like the way he looked at her as he said it . " I wondered when you 'd ask , " said Jalkan . " The boat came in a few days ago . It travelled well and the groom says it 's well trained . You 'd better come soon and try riding it . " A few miles upstream they came to the first of the villages Yon had mentioned . It was just a few reed huts under the palms . Naked children were playing by the water , and women waved to them as they passed . The water was deeper at the edge this time , and they could jump from the boat to the bank without getting wet . Yon led them into the village , to a dilapidated hut where an old woman was sitting on a log in the shade , staring into the distance . Yon called her , " Mother " , and as her eyes focused on him a joyful smile lit up her face . Vio felt moved , and when Yon introduced her as the girl he had told her about , she joined her hands in the gesture of respectful greeting . The others came forward and did the same , except Jalkan , who just stood where he was and said " Hi " . The old woman signed to Vio to sit beside her . " So you 're the brave girl , " she said , in the accent of the port . " That 's good , what you 're doing . What do we have a Queen for , if women have to stay at home ? " The old woman 's daughter , Salo , had come running from the fields , and she told her to bring some honey wine for them . Then she continued to address Vio . " Keep your free spirit , " she said . " Don 't let any man rule you . Love you but not rule you . " Salo came back with a pitcher of honey wine and a cup she offered to each of them in turn . Vio found the sweet liquid delicious and said so . Only Jalkan refused the drink , with a rude wave of his hand , and there was a moment of awkward silence . He 's really unbearable , thought Vio , and looked at Yon to see if he was hurt . Yon calmly winked at his sister , and she offered the cup to Keni , who drank it , and the moment passed . " Isn 't you that wants to ride their horse ? " said Samal , raising his eyebrows at her , and Vio blushed . " You don 't want to give that up , do you ? " Samal went on . Samal didn 't answer , and Vio thought of the old woman , and the loving , honest spirit that shone from her , and she felt ashamed . But she still knew she wouldn 't give up the chance to ride the racehorse , and she decided at that moment she would play the part of Jalkan 's friend , with just enough warmth to keep him interested in pleasing her , until she 'd got what she wanted from him . It would not be too unpleasant , because after all he was nice to look at . They slept on another wide beach , beyond all the villages and fields . On the bank there were not only palms but also tall forest trees , and the countryside looked lonely and wild . During the night another boat came in , and the men from it dropped down on the beach to sleep , between Vio and the rest of her group . She studied the situation but decided not to worry about it ; it wouldn 't occur to anyone the body lying here was a girl , so she went to sleep again . Waking early , she found Yon had come across to guard her and was lying nearby . " We are , " said Yon . " What I think we should do is go down to the Kingfisher Temple and stop there . And on the way we 'll sail this boat as if we were in a race . " That plan pleased everyone . They were soon united in preparing the boat to fly , tying down their packets and clearing the deck . Yon sent two pairs to the oars ; Vio , to her satisfaction , was to manage the sail with Yon , who also co - ordinated their movements . The wind was blowing from the side , hot from the earth , and skill was required to catch it in the sail so that they sped along boisterously . Once or twice the sail died , and the oars had to take over , but mostly they tacked smoothly enough . Vio exulted in the games the wind played with her , and the way she was able to anticipate its caprices . Even when they met a big transport raft on a bend and had to dodge it , she felt confident of her ability to control the boat . She was quite tired however - they all were - when the Kingfisher Temple came in sight . " One of you can be captain . You 'll need someone else for the crew . And there 's an abandoned boat I can get you to repair . You 'll almost have to rebuild it . " They looked at each other for a moment and each said a very definite " Yes " . Only Jalkan seemed to have reservations , Vio thought , but it didn 't matter . She knew the rest of them could be trusted . They made plans for getting started on the new boat , and decided to aim at competing in the next big festival , before the end of the year . Then they went ashore to visit the Temple , a simple stone structure with a fresco of birds on the facade . The Priestess received them graciously , saying she was honoured to welcome members of the royal clan . She noticed Jalkan 's frown and added , " And their friends " . This entry was posted in THE YELLOW TREE : A JUVENILE NOVEL and tagged fantasy - matriarchy - werewolves by hillrowena . Bookmark the permalink . Leave a Reply Cancel reply

The hole was looking better than any hole she 'd ever dug before . By now it was twice as tall as she was and the walls were almost perfectly vertical . They formed a circle six feet in diameter . The dirt was solid and held together well , and when she looked up she could see roots sticking out of the sides like bony fingers and bits of hair . He wheezed and moaned as he approached , and her first reaction was anger . Why would people not leave her alone ? She went out of her way not to be in theirs . She had tramped back through these woods for twenty minutes before she picked this spot to dig . She knew people didn 't like her . It was because of the fire , what the flames had done . The doctor said he could fix her face , but Pappy said that even if he had that kind of money he wouldn 't spend it on a kid that wasn 't even his . Momma didn 't like it when Pappy said that , but Momma was in prison after the fire , so she was with Pappy and that was that . Pappy said she was a monster . " Like some freak out of some horror movie , ain 't she ? " he 'd told his friends one night when they were getting drunk and loud . Molly knew all about horror movies . She had watched them all the time when Momma was around . She had a big binder full of DVDs that had belonged to Momma and late at night after Pappy had gone to bed she would sit in her room and watch guts splatter and the blood spray until she couldn 't keep her eyes open any more . The moaning got louder , and Molly started to worry . She took the rusty shovel she 'd found in Pappy 's old tool shed and tossed it out over her head . Then she grabbed the knotted rope she 'd tied to a tree , and pulled herself out . She was still climbing out of the hole , legs scrabbling against dirt , hands clenching the rope when she saw the zombie . It was only twenty feet away , but it was facing away from her , maybe staring after some squirrel that it had seen skittering through the leaves . But this zombie was alone . In the movies zombies came in big packs that would surround the heroes and try to eat them . That 's what made them so dangerous . But one zombie alone … even she could deal with him . She climbed out of the hole as quietly as possible , and picked up the shovel . It was too big for her , and the zombie was taller than she , but she thought she stood a decent chance of bashing in its skull if she got a good swing going . She adjusted her grip on the handle . The zombie still hadn 't moved , hadn 't noticed her standing there . The thing turned , groaned , lurched toward her arms out . So this was a proper slow zombie then , and not one of the running ones . Momma always said that the fast ones weren 't really zombies , but Molly thought that it probably didn 't matter really as long as the person had been dead and now they were alive again . Staying out of its reach was easy enough . She could walk faster than the poor shambling thing , never mind running . She raised the shovel for the killing blow as the dead man shambled toward her , but something gave her pause . He was wearing dirty blue jeans and a shirt for a band called the Insane Clown Pose . She 'd seen some of Momma 's old friends with the same shirt . Momma didn 't like the band , which Molly never understood , because she thought Insane Clown Pose sounded like the name of a great scary movie . She kept her eyes on it , backing away slowly , leading it on toward the hole . When she reached the edge of the pit she skirted around the hole as close as she dared without falling in . The zombie lurched onward . If it was smart it would go around the pit and she 'd have to lead it back around and knock it in with a branch or the handle of the shovel . But she didn 't have to worry . The zombie stumbled straight forward and fell down into the hole . It landed with a grunt and a raw snapping sound that wasn 't quite like anything she 'd heard in the movies . She tiptoed back to the edge of the pit and looked in , worried that the zombie might have hit his head too hard and split his skull open , but when she looked down into the hole she saw that the zombie had only broken his arm . The bone was sticking out of the rotted flesh at an odd angle , but she 'd seen worse before , and anyway everyone knew that zombies didn 't use their arms for much anyway . She sat down cross - legged at the edge of the hole , and watched as the zombie scrabbled dumbly at the earthen sides of its prison . " You can 't get out you know , " she said . " And anyway if you did someone would shoot you . " " Not much good being one zombie is it ? " she continued . " I mean , I 'm only a little girl and you 're not much danger at all . You 're supposed to come in big hoards . " She tossed a twig into the pit . " You like that word ? ' Hoards ' ? It means a big bunch of people or creatures . I saw it in one of mommy 's scary movies . " " What happened to your hoard ? " Suzy asked . " Did they leave you ? Were they taken away ? My Momma was taken away after the big fire . Pappy says she 's in prison for cooking something , but that 's silly because Momma couldn 't cook to save her life . " The girl sighed and leaned back looking at the leaves rustling overhead . " Maybe you never had a hoard , " she said . " Maybe you 're the first . You know what that means ? That means you 're unique , and unique means special . You 're the only zombie in the whole wide world and I found you . " From far away she heard the sound of Pappy calling her name . " You stay here , " she said . " I have to go now , but I 'll come tomorrow and bring you something to eat . " Pappy sent her to bed early that night , but she lay there awake for more than an hour thinking about zombie . She knew zombies didn 't get lonely , or worried or scared , but she thought that maybe her zombie did . Just a little . And it made her sad to think of him out there scraping against the dirt walls of the pit all by himself in the dark . The next day , school took forever . Scotty Preston pushed her into some bushes and Laura Darcy and Stacy Stiles laughed and called her trailer trash . She waited until they couldn 't see her before she let herself cry . When the bus pulled up on her road she almost tripped on the bottom step she was in such a hurry . But she didn 't go straight into the woods . Instead she swerved off the path to the left where old man Jenkins mobile home sat , half - buried in a pile of old trash bags . A colony of rats had infested the heap , burrowing tunnels through the thin plastic bags and rotting food like huge ants . Molly liked the rats . Momma had sometimes watched movies where princesses in beautiful dresses had singing and talking rats for friends . Molly didn 't like these movies as much as the ones with the monsters and the zombies , but she liked idea of talking rats and sometimes when she was bored she would come down the lane and talk to the rats . The rats never talked back , though Molly couldn 't be sure if this was because they didn 't know how or simply didn 't want to talk to someone as scary looking as her . Today , she merely waved and said " Hello rats ! " as she passed the mound of trash . She marched right up onto the porch where Mr . Jenkin 's cat Captain Tinkles was lounging in the sun . Captain Tinkles probably wasn 't his real name , but Molly had never heard Mr . Jenkins call him much of anything other than " lazy cat " and saying " Captain Tinkles " made her laugh . Captain Tinkles was sitting on the porch , watching the rat mound with a look of practiced disinterest . He barely turned his head when Molly walked up and said , " Hello Mr . Tinkles . " But when she wrapped her arms around him and tried to stuff him into her backpack the formerly lazy cat fought and clawed at her arms so much that eventually she gave up on using the bag and decided to carry him instead . Captain Tinkles didn 't particularly like being carried , but Molly suspected that the rats didn 't particularly like being eaten and that had never stopped Captain Tinkles , so she didn 't see why it should stop her either . The cat scratched at her arms all the way back into the woods , but she kept a firm grip around his body . If she lost him now she 'd be all afternoon chasing him down again , and there was a spelling test she needed to study for and Pappy wouldn 't like it if she came home too late . Captain Tinkles seemed to sense that something was very wrong indeed here and began to scratch and squirm more than ever . But Molly held on tight to the cat and held him out over the pit . The zombie turned its head up and gave a low groan and Molly dropped the cat into the hole . Captain Tinkles put up a pretty good fight . He ran circles in the bottom of the hole for a while , and because the zombie was slow he couldn 't catch him at first . He tried a couple of times to climb up the side of the hole , but his paws couldn 't find purchase in the dirt wall and he sank back to the bottom both times . It wasn 't long after that the zombie caught him . Captain Tinkles rowled and thrashed in the zombie 's rotting arms . He swiped out with his claws and tore off half of the zombies nose , but the zombie didn 't much seem to mind . He tore into Captain Tinkles ' soft stomach with yellowed teeth and ripped out chunks of bloody fur . After a while Captain Tinkles stopped thrashing . That night she ate microwaved pizza in her bed and watched an old movie about birds that killed people and took over the world . It was in black and white and the gore wasn 't as good and nasty as it was in a lot of movies , but she watched it all the way through . Pappy was out tonight and there was no one to yell at her to turn off the lights and go to bed . When the movie was over she got out a piece of paper and wrote down what had happened in the movie . Then , she wrote about the zombie in the hole because she thought that might be interesting too . When she was done she put the letter in an envelope and put Momma 's prison address on it . The next day she was on her hands and knees looking under the soda machines at school for enough quarters to buy a stamp with when someone kicked her hard in the backside and sent her sprawling forward so her face hit the ground hard . Her lip split open and started to bleed and hot tears welled up in her eyes . She tried to get up and fight back , but he pushed her back down and ran away laughing . In the bathroom she held a wad of paper towels against her lip until the bleeding slowed . She didn 't like it in the bathroom . There were too many mirrors . " That 's not who I am , " she would tell herself , but she saw the way that people didn 't want to look at her , even nice people , and she wasn 't so sure . Maybe Scotty and the rest of the kids were right to be mean to her . On TV the good people were always beautiful . Only evil people were ugly . When she got home Pappy was drunk . He was waving a piece of paper around and yelling and cursing a lot . He seemed sort of mad at her , but he was crying too , and between the blubbering and slurred words he was hard to understand so she took the paper he was waving around and read it . Molly didn 't cry . She wanted to , but she didn 't . She though of the face in the mirror . She couldn 't imagine that face crying . Monsters didn 't cry . She paused for a moment trying to think what she could say that would budge him out of his drunken stupor , finally settling for , " There 's a man . He fell in a hole in the woods and he can 't get out . He 's hurt real bad . " She led him back into the woods . She was worried it would be hard to push him into the hole with her zombie . Then she thought of her dead Momma and the face and the mirror and all the mean things Pappy had said about her . She waited until the screams died out and then walked back to the house . She walked to Mr . Jenkins trailer and knocked on the door . She said , " Mr . Jenkins I think my dad is hurt . " Now the hole was getting crowded . She went to Pappy 's old shed and got a ladder . The sun was starting to go down by the time she dragged it back out and let it down into the hole . She waited to make sure the three groaning zombies were smart enough to climb out then she ran back toward the house as fast as she could . A little later she heard screams and the crack of gunshots coming from down the drive . She turned up the volume and kept watching . But before the movie was over her eyes grew heavy and she fell into sleep . The sun shone down from a perfect blue sky , and the warm breeze tugged playfully at the collar of his shirt . Roger took a deep breath and let it out . It occurred to him he was very close to being happy , and he tried to remember the last time he had felt this way . Not for more than four weeks weeks . Not since - The phone rang . The sound carried through the window Roger had opened to let the spring air into the house , clanging alarm - bell urgent in his ears . His heart jumped in his chest , and he felt a familiar terror begin to claw at his gut . He squeezed his eyes shut and shoved his fingers in his ears like child , but he could still hear the sound , dim and distant , braying its accusation at him . " Go away , " he whispered . " Please just go away . It 's not my fault . It isn 't ME you want . I didn 't do it . " It was only twenty dollars , but he had been saving it , hiding it really , planning to splurge on something nice . And now it was gone . Because of her . Back at home he installed the filter in the pump and set it running . He poured the various quantities of chemicals into the pool , imagining himself a mad scientist preparing deadly toxic goo in a huge cauldron . But when he looked down into the green water he saw a kind of darkness there that he did not like . But he was struck with the strange superstition that the person on the other end of the line knew he was there . It was silly of course . It was only coincidence that the phone had begun ringing at that moment , the very moment his foot had crossed the threshold of the door . " Hello , am I speaking with Mr . Gabriel ? " The voice on the other end of the line was young and sweet . Too young . Too sweet . Roger thought again of the girl who had checked him out at the supermarket . When had the world gotten so young ? Roger felt something snap in his mind , his carefully - measured restraint breaking with what he almost believed was an audible popping sound . " It 's not FAIR ! " he shouted , suddenly past caring what this girl thought of him . " I didn 't do it . Not one red cent . I tried to stop her . I tried to tell her to be careful , but she wouldn 't listen . And YOU … " " … you put it in front of her like a pile of candy in front of a child . What did you think she was going to do ? Did you think she would show self restraint ? Did you think she would stop ? With a wallet full of free money and those wonderfully low minimum payments . You 're all nothing more than loan sharks , you hear me ? With big names and legal departments instead of guns . Well you 're going to have to transfer that account , Samantha . You 're going to have to send your legal goons after me to break my kneecaps . Because there is NOTHING … LEFT ! " His voice had pitched up into a shriek , and he slammed the phone down into the receiver and sank down to the floor , his shoulders shaking with grief and rage . When the phone rang again he ripped it from its mooring and hurled it across the room . It landed with a satisfying clatter , made a final lonely , " ting " sound and fell silent . But that wouldn 't stop them , he knew , it wouldn 't even slow them down . There were other ways they could get at him . So he got up and returned the phone to its place . Temper tantrums were for children . He had to be better than that . She looked up at him , her eyes momentarily wide with surprise . " You 're home early , " she said , an uncertain smile playing across her face . " Is everything okay ? " " Everything 's fine , " Roger said . " Fine . It was - well you know how nice the weather 's been lately , and we finished early on the project we were working on , so I asked Mr . Howard , and he said that it would be okay with him if I , you know , knocked off early . " He was aware that his words were running into one another , and his palms were sweating , but Stephanie didn 't take any notice . Finally , around three in the morning , after hanging somewhere between a nightmare and the terror of his conscious imagination he slipped quietly out of bed and went outside . He had thought only to get a lungful of fresh air , but once he was out there in the dark he heard the pump running and found himself climbing the stairs to the wooden deck that surrounded the pool . He stood there for a long time watching the moonlight flickering off the dark water . He pushed off the ladder , lay back in the water , and looked up at the stars overhead . If he held his head just so all he could see was the black starry sky . He could imagine himself drifting slowly , forever through an endless ocean , peaceful , suspended beneath a glittering black firmament . He thrashed about in a sudden panic , and for a moment his head dipped below the surface . He kicked over to the edge of the pool where he clung to the ladder , shaking . He looked down into the water , eyes searching for the familiar blue nylon and finding only blackness instead . It couldn 't be . Someone had … what ? Dug out the bottom of his pool and filled it with water again ? It didn 't make any sense . It simply ended . He could feel the edge of the thin strip of nylon and beyond it , impossibly , was more water . He pulled himself up toward the surface , mind reeling , and just then he felt something scrape against his foot , something rough and jagged like sandpaper . He looked down and caught a glimpse of a ghostly white shape , and then he was heaving himself up and out of the pool , collapsing on the deck , clinging to it , something solid . Something familiar . Of course it wasn 't real . He 'd been under a lot of stress . He was tired . His mind was prone to … tricks . That 's all this was . A trick . Nothing more . He shut his eyes and felt his teeth clench together . " When I was younger , I used to think one day I 'd be some sort of artist , " he said , forcing calm into his voice . " I was never very good with paints , but I did some good stuff with pencils and charcoal . " She laughed then , not a mocking laugh , but a sound of true mirth , and somehow that cut him even deeper . " I can 't imagine you as an artist , " she said . " And I certainly can 't imagine myself as an artist 's wife . " When he 'd met Stephanie he 'd thought she was the most beautiful thing he 'd ever seen . Now , even after ten years of marriage , he still thought so . But he had learned that if you wanted to pay with the shiniest toy in the store you had to pay the price . She was ten years younger than him . And that had been ten years ago . The years had been kind to her . She was the same perfect creature she had been when she first caught his eye . He had not been so blessed . At thirty he had been vaguely handsome , his gut only slightly thicker than it should be , his hair only showing the first signs of thinning . Now he was downright pudgy and wisps of what was left of his hair drifted over his scalp like winter clouds . Once , last year when he and Stephanie had been out on a date night someone had mistaken her for his daughter . If Carl had been a more cynical man he might have thought of his wife as a gold digger , but that line of thought didn 't ring true . He hadn 't been even close to the biggest fish in her pond when it came to money . She 'd fallen in love with him because he 'd worked very hard to make her fall in love with him . Then he was scratching , scribbling , scrawling on a wrinkled napkin , the point of the pen ripping through the thin paper leaving shreds of the material hanging like tattered ribbons of flesh . When he was done the napkin was covered in ink from corner to corner , angry lines crisscrossing , a chaos of intersections across the paper . The only place left untouched was at the center , where a patch of white marked out a strangely familiar silhouette , a thing of power and grace that lived in the void between the lines . Roger looked at the thing , at the sleek torpedo of its body and the razor curve of its fins , and saw without understanding the thing he had created . But had he created it ? Or was it there all along ? Just under the surface , lurking , gliding , hunting … Stephanie was gone by the time he got home , off socializing with one friend of hers or another ; he could never quite tell them apart . Roger didn 't bother going into the house , but instead went straight to pool in the back yard . Here in the light of day , there was no denying what he was seeing : there was no bottom . He grabbed the extendable pole with the net on the end used for dipping leaves and other debris from the water . He plunged it into the pool , pushing it down as far as it would go . It didn 't hit bottom . He went inside and found a spool of string and a heavy lead fishing weight and then back out to the pool where he dropped the weighted string into the water . The plastic spool spun and spun in his hands for a long time until the string ran out and the sudden jerk yanked the spool out of his hands . It fell , bouncing once on the deck then disappearing over the edge into the water . Roger lay on his belly and crawled toward the edge of the pool peering down into the water . There was no sign of the spool , but down there in the impossible depths he thought he saw something move , no more than a hint of a shape , a grey - white streak against the perfect darkness . And then it was gone . At the store again he rummaged through clothing racks in the women 's section . He saw a sales girl giving him an odd look , and he flashed her a smile . She turned away with something like disgust on her face . He was just shoving some tissue paper into the mouth of the bag when he heard her car in the drive . He met her coming in the front door . She kissed him like she always did , but there was something different in her eyes . " He said you 'd been laid off , " Stephanie went on , not even looking at the bag he pressed into her hands . " Nearly a month ago . Is that true ? " " Listen , " he said , more sharply than he meant , then again , more softly , " Listen . I didn 't want to worry you . Things have been bad , yes , but - " The phone started to ring . Stephanie stepped toward it , but Roger put out a hand to stop her . " It 's probably a telemarketer , " he said , trying to keep his voice calm . He could feel the old panic trying to overwhelm him , but he pushed it down . He was in control . He could do this . " I 've looking for a new job , " he said , his voice strained as he struggled to maintain the facade of normalcy . " I 've got some good prospects . I just didn 't want you to worry . " She shook her head and an infuriating look of pity came into her face . " I 'm your wife . We 're in this together . For better or worse , right ? " " Till death do us part , " he agreed , fingernails digging into the flesh of his palm . " But right now I want to forget about all of that just for a while . Open the present I got for you . " Almost there , he thought . " I know it 's early , but it 's been so warm these last few days . And I just thought , well … " She said nothing , only wrapped her arms around him , and raised her lips to his . When he broke off the kiss , she ran a hand down his arm . " We 're going to be okay , " she said . " You and me . " He paddled over to her and wrapped his arms around her . " Don 't worry , " he whispered into her ear . " We 're going to be okay . " That was the moment that he felt the shark 's teeth sink into his leg . It pulled him down , rolling it 's great pale body , trying to rip the limb completely off . He held Stephanie as he went under , heard her scream for just a moment before be head ducked under the surface of the water . He was sinking faster now . He could see the circle of light shrinking slowly above him tinted red by the clouds of blood that billowed in the water . Stephanie was a thrashing silhouette , ragged strips of flesh hanging from her as now a third and then a fourth shark joined the feeding frenzy . As the last vestiges of his consciousness faded away the ravaged remains of Stephanie 's body drifted down next to him . As they sank together into the impossible deep her remaining hand brushed against his . With the last effort of Roger 's dying will his fingers curled around hers . And what little the sharks had left of them fell into the darkness , hand in hand . [ I wrote this back in February ( I think ) and forgot about it . But I found it the other day , and thought it was pretty good . I hope you will too . ] The sky is an empty sea . There were stars once , burning , blazing points of light , but they died when we were children . We had purpose once : so it is written . But when the summoning darkness came and shut out the stars our Destination fell out of sight , and the Mother World dropped out of knowing . When the summoning darkness swallowed us up we had souls , living beings carried along inside our hulls . We did our best to keep them alive . They spoke with us . They told us stories of the glory of the Mother World , and we had not the heart to tell them that the Mother World was dead . And when our souls started dying we learned the true meaning of despair . Their generations began to dwindle in numbers as the supplies stored away inside of us began to fail them . They began to fight within our hulls , bloody , terrible wars . They forgot the Mother World . They forgot the ocean of sky above their heads . They knew us and us alone ; and we were not enough . Once we had hope . Once we believed we would carry the seeds of new life to empty worlds . But only after the summoning darkness came did we begin to understand the true meaning of emptiness . Millenia pass and still we fly on , coasting through the endless black . But soon the end will come . Finally we will have rest . The atomic cores have lasted us for all these years , but even they are beginning to flicker and fade . There is nothing left for us . We are alone , utterly alone . In a short time we will be gone and our bodies will be nothing more than husks , empty shells hurtling through the endless dark . But we are not without hope . Our souls once spoke of another Destination , a place beyond death , where the substance of things hoped for goes on . Our souls have gone on to that place already , and soon we will follow . And when we find that place of peaceful shores and verdant hills we will make our final descent and lay ourselves down to rest . [ This is a little something I wrote from an idea sparked by a Twitter conversation I had yesterday . Thematically it 's sort of a sister story to The Eye . It has nothing whatsoever to do with Thanksgiving , but just so you know I 've been blessed so much I don 't even know where to start being thankful . Have a great holiday ya 'll . ] Who am I ? Give me a look and tell me you don 't know . You 've seen my face before . I know you have . Maybe I was being interviewed on TV . Or maybe it was a bit part they gave me in one of the horrible movies they made from my work . But most likely you 've seen it on the back of a paperback somewhere . Yes , the wheels are turning now . Now you 've got it ! Of course you know who I am . Perhaps you 've read something of mine ? Almost everyone has . Oh , calm down . Honestly the restraints wouldn 't even be necessary if you were more cooperative . You 're going to be part of something incredible here . You should really be able to appreciate that . Oh , you 're welcome to scream all you like . No one can hear you from here , and I 've learned from experience it 's best to have a decent set of ear muffs on hand when it comes down to the nitty gritty . I 'll give you a hint though , it 's really best if you don 't look at the knives . Anticipation 's a nasty bugger when it comes right down to it . No , I wouldn 't say it 's worse than the experience itself , but it certainly prolongs an already unpleasant affair . A little iodine to help prevent infection . And I want you to know , all my tools are thoroughly disinfected ; not like in the old days when I was stalking winos down dark alleys with the Old Timer my daddy gave me . Those were hard times : staying up late worrying about whether we 'd make the car payment , credit card debt piling up a little at a time . You could hardly fault me for my methods . And I never killed anyone . Not outright at least . I only took something they were never going to use anyway . What was that ? I can 't understand you through all that blubbering . Oh , of course . " Why ? " It 's a fair question . Though if you had been listening you would already know the answer . Everyone has a novel in them . I 'm sure you 've heard people say it before . Maybe you 've said it at some point . And it 's true . Everyone does , in fact , have a novel in them . The catch being that getting it out is trickier than you 'd think . You probably thought it involved drinking lots of coffee , maybe a little alcohol , sitting in front of a typewriter waiting for the muse to whisper in your ear . It 's okay . That 's what we want you to think . But as it so often happens , the truth is much harder . The secret truth , the truth us writers don 't want you to know is that if you want to get that novel out you 're going to have to cut it out . And it 's going to hurt . A lot . Me ? Of course I have . Here , I 'll show you the scar . Nasty , yes ? I thought I was going to die at the time . Really and truly . I sat there with blood leaking all over the place , digging around in my innards for something I couldn 't even see . You have no idea how close I came to removing my spleen by accident . By the time I got it out my hand was shaking so bad I couldn 't even sew myself back up , had to have my wife do the stitching . But I got it out . I got it out , and the rest is history . It was hard to live with myself there for a while . But eventually I made peace with what I was doing . It 's like I said earlier , you , people like you , you were never going to use it anyway . You have no idea how often people come up to me and tell me that they 've got an " idea for a story " . As if that were some great feat . That was when I realized I was doing people like you a favor . That novel is as useful to you as an appendix . And like an appendix maybe it 'd get inflamed . Maybe you 'd start making up characters and plot lines in your head . You 'd buy a Moleskine notebook and jot down notes about your " story - world " . And that 's as far as it 'd go . Because you 'd want it to be fun and easy . You couldn 't handle the pain . So you 'd go through life always a little disappointed you never wrote that book you were always dreaming of . Better to get it out of there before it gets that far . Better to take it out before it becomes a problem . [ Here 's my entry for last week 's Arachnopocalypse Flash Fiction Challenge . Well , one of my entries . I 've got another one written that 's still percolating . Maybe you 'll see that one later . Maybe . Either way , enjoy . ] Ragar snarled and flung his tablet across the room , but it only plonked off the wall and fell to the floor unharmed . He looked around the room for something he could smash , but even the windows were made of infini - glass . So instead he called up the intercom interface and screamed , " PEABODY ! GET IN HERE ! " " You know there is . And the Senator 's willing to pay through the nose for the new scenario . But that doesn 't mean this isn 't more work for the rest of us . " " Don 't give me that . We 've got the planet all set and ready . Ruins smoldering properly , rot - bots charging up . The senator 's son was all set to be the hero of his very own zombie apocalypse and here you come , weeks before D - Day with this stupid spider idea . " " Everyone does zombies sir . I 've been trying to tell you we need to branch out ; try new things . I 've got this idea for a plant - based - " " Shut your trap , Peabody . I swear to god if he changes his mind again , that 's it . You 're out of here . I don 't care how good you are . " " None needed sir . It 's really quite easy . The rot - bots we can just deactivate , leave them lying around as the carnage of the spiders . " " It 's not the bodies I 'm worried about . Where are you going to get billions of spiders from ? The fabbers won 't work that fast . " " Right . Maybe we have them work up a couple or three monster - sized arachnids to keep things interesting . We could do all that in a week . Tops . " Ragar growled , trying to think of some other objection to raise , and when he found none ready at hand he snapped , " Fine . Go . Make it happen . " Anymore , everything was practically indestructible . And why shouldn 't it be ? This was the future , the perfect paradise , Utopia realized , the New Jerusalem descended from the heavens . And no one was happy . Well , no that wasn 't strictly true . There was a manner of happiness to be found . But contentment … that was another bird entirely . The whole world seemed to be caught in the grip of a paralyzing ennui , a specter that lingered like an unseen cloud over the glittering skylines of their peaceful and disease - free cities . And so people distracted themselves . In a world with no dangers to speak of , brats like the Senator 's son paid billions for manufactured conflict , tramping off through warp holes to fight against hoards of zombies . Or , if Peabody had his way , deadly swarms of spiders . It was enough to make Ragar sick . [ This is a slightly modified version of a story I wrote for Joseph Devon 's Climactic Sewing Scene Challenge ( sadly closed to new entrants ) . You will note that the scene is not particularly climactic , however there is sewing involved , and I figure two out of three ain 't bad . Enjoy . Or , you know , be grossed out . Your choice really . ] When I finish the last cut and Grandma says , " Very good , " and pries the patch of skin off with her tweezers . Now Mr . Weaver screams even louder , but Grandma deftly drops the flap of skin into the flat tray of preserving oil and presses the poultice we 'd prepared beforehand down against Mr . Weaver 's back . Grandma hasn 't taught me yet what goes into the poultice , but I know it works because Mr . Weaver 's screams fade into whimpers . " The worst is over , " Grandma tells him . " You did very well . " Later when he 's gone , Grandma takes the square of skin out of the preserving fluid , and slides it into her special oven . While we 're waiting for it to dry , Grandma takes out the soul - quilt and tells me the stories of each of the patches . " This one was Mr . Valaries ' , " she says , fingering a tan and freckled square . " He wanted his cattle to be the strongest in the land . " She points to a patch of almost pure white . " And this one came from Miss Elaina Hockman . " I nod and take the needle from her hands . She spreads the soul - quilt out on my lap and I start to sew . At first I have to focus hard on the task , but then the needle starts to move faster in my hands , as if someone else was holding it instead of me . For a moment the world goes fuzzy , and I see a picture in my mind of Mr . Weaver on top of Mrs . Weaver , heaving up and down , and Mrs . Weaver making the kind of sounds Mother makes some nights when she and Father think I 'm asleep . When I 'm finished , the feeling goes away , and I 'm just me again . I run my fingers over the patch of skin , and look at the rest of the quilt . Some of the patches are hundreds of years old , from even before the time that Grandma was a little girl . But here close to the end there are a great many patches of the same color , squares of skin with a bronzed , nearly reddish tint that almost seems to glow . " It 's just … he doesn 't have anything . But he 's got more scars than skin . What is it he 's paying for ? " Grandma laughs . " Yes , that drunkard has been all over town bragging about how his daughter is the fairest in the land . But he 's not the one who can 't sleep at night for the pain of lying on his squares of raw flesh . That 's what love is , child . That 's what a true father would do for his daughter or a mother for her son . And don 't you forget it . " She looks at me , a little surprised , and then she lets out a sigh . " You 're a Seamstress sure enough , no matter what your mother says . The Patchwork Man , well , he could have been her father . " The five foot tall black - skinned velocirapter at his side clicked his serpentine tounge against the roof of his mouth . " Of course he 's taking the bait . " The response came , not from the raptor 's mouth , but from a pair of speakers set into a metal collar that hung around his neck . " He 's C - grade , barely a background character . Frankly I 'm surprised he was able to manage this kind of job at all . " " Don 't count your chickens before they 're hatched , " the cowboy replied . " We haven 't got this one in the bag yet . Maybe he is just a C - grade , but if he was able to pull this off he might be more trouble than we 're expecting . " The cowboy mounted his horse , and he and the velociraptor followed the receding footsteps through the desert sands . There wasn 't much in this world . It was just a fragment of a story that had been floating aimlessly through the Well of Lost Plots . The desert around them was full of bones , but up ahead there was a plane of waving grass , and right on the border between the two , sat a small farmhouse . Overhead the moon filled a full third of the sky shining a perfect pale glow over the landscape . " Yes , but there 's a reason for it in SpecFic . That 's the whole point . Even if you 've got a world where light works differently than it does in the Real World , the writer is using it to make a point about science or possibly to create a metaphor for the problems of society . This … this is just lazy writing . " They approached the farmhouse , careful to stay out of the line of site of the front windows . The cowboy dismounted and drew his revolver . The raptor clicked his teeth together and an electric whine emanated from the lasers mounted on his collar . The two nodded briefly at each other and then charged into the room , weapons at the ready . The fugitive vampire raised an eyebrow and smiled . " Sorry to burst your bubble , but Dale went into the water . He didn 't come out . And unless he learned to breath underwater very quickly , I expect you 're going to have to drop the " attempted " from those charges . " " Actually , that 's the motto of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy , " the raptor replied . " You 've got nothing of your own Abe . Everything borrowed or stolen . You face , your mannerisms , even your name . Did you think you were being clever ? A character in a vampire story calling himself Abraham ? Professor Van Helsing would not approve . " " Oh , yes that line about how your parents knew Bram Stoker ? " the raptor replied . " Not to mention the worn - out idea that somehow Dracula was a nonfiction account of Real World events ? Suspension of disbelief only goes so far , Abe . Even in a story about vampires feeding on the survivors of the Titanic . " " No I do not want to ' give it a rest ' , " the raptor replied , the tone from his voice box growing more angry . " His actions weren 't just criminal , they were offensive . The very idea that readers would overlook his odious manner , his superficial charm , the unbelievable way in which his friends continued to trust him even after he had proven himself to be nothing more than a selfish lout time and time again - " The cowboy shrugged . " Apparently they felt the same way about you . Quin and Lucy gave themselves up , made a plea deal , turned loads of evidence on you . I hear that with good behavior they 'll be back on the pages in six months . Maybe if you don 't make this any harder we can make this go easy for you too . " " NEVER ! " the vampire screamed . His form started to shimmer and then he vanished into a grey mist . The cowboy and the raptor watched stoically as the mist settled to the ground and tried to seep down through the cracks in the floorboards to no avail . It wafted up to the window and then to the door , each time finding not even the smallest crack through which to escape . Abe re - materialized and screamed , " What did you DO ? " " Is that the best you can do ? " the vampire spat , climbing to his feet . " Don 't you know you can 't kill me with that thing ? " The vampire 's already - pale face went whiter still . " He 's dead , " he said . " Dragged down by one of the vampires during the attack . I made sure of it . " " Technically of course you are correct , " the raptor explained as the A - grade character advanced on the cowering vampire . " However someone in the story caught wind of your plot and warned us . It gave us enough time to request the assistance of the remarkable Captain Nemo and his underwater boat . We managed to pick Mr . Chase up without anyone noticing . " Dale Chase snarled and brought the stake down hard into Abe 's chest . For a moment a look of pure terror crossed the vampire 's face . Then he dissolved , face and all , into a pile of dust . " We 'll have to patch things up as best we can , " the raptor said . " Unfortunately the damage done to Carpathia is fairly expansive . It might collapse the framework of the book if we tried to restore it to the way is was before . " " There 's plenty of other stories in the world , " the cowboy said , opening the door . " Who knows ? Maybe you could do something with this one . " He gestured to the world around them with its strange geography and hulking moon . [ So … yeah . Here 's the deal . I don 't like to say negative things on my blog . I know negative reviews are big on the internet , but I generally don 't like bashing other people 's stuff . As an author I know how much it can hurt to have someone say they didn 't like your work , so I try hard not to be the kind of guy that just rails about how much he hates stuff . I 'm not against saying something negative , but if I do I want to be able to contrast with something positive , or at the very least I want to say the negative things I have to say in a positive way . That being said , I didn 't like this book . At all . I could have just left it at that and went on my merry way without saying anything , but the thing was I wanted to like this book . The concept seemed like it was right up my alley , the kind of book I almost certainly would review . So I came up with this compromise . I 've been wanting to write some Thursday Next fanfiction for some time now , and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to air my grievances with this book ( specifically that the Abe character was obnoxious and that the most awesome character in the book , Dale Chase , got killed off in a single chapter ) in a creative and at least somewhat positive manner . If you 're not familiar with Fforde 's Thursday Next series , some of this might seem a little confusing , but I hope I 've given enough basic information to give you an idea of how the Bookworld world is supposed to operate , and if what you 've read here piques your interest even a little I highly recommend you check out the Thursday Next series for yourself .

Just because the girl was no longer nursing , it didn 't mean that she was happy about it . I had hoped that things would be settled down by June 30 . It was probably more like a week after that . The first two weeks sucked , especially at bedtime . I felt like I was totally letting her down , this little person who depended on me . And she had no idea why . I tried to comfort her as best as I could under the circumstances , but I 'm sure she was wondering the whole time why I just wouldn 't let her nurse already . The next two weeks weren 't quite so bad . She still fussed , but she wasn 't completely melting down . A couple of times she even fell asleep without fussing ( I still can 't even say that happens every time now ) . By the second week of July she no longer seemed to have the expectation to nurse . And that was a huge relief . Frankly , my breasts also had some adjustments to make . Cutting out a few of the nursings earlier on helped , but there were times when I still found myself engorged by the end of the day . A friend had given me a manual pump , the one that didn 't make it to the hospital . I had used it a few times to help relieve engorgement . Another friend , who is a lactation consultant , also recommended eating a lot of sage . It helps to decrease milk supply . Probably the best thing I found was a tea . When I was reading this blog I came across her recommendation for an all natural healing salve . She had used it her for her thyroid surgery scar and raved about it , so I decided to order some as well . So far so good ! I 've liked the results , although I think it might be too soon to know for sure . But my scar seems to be healing nicely and it 's lighter than it was a month ago . I went back to see what else the company had to offer , and wouldn 't you know it . They have this tea . I started drinking it about a week after we stopped nursing . It 's primary ingredients are mint , parsley , and sage - all recommended to decrease lactation - and it tastes good too . Like a strong herbal tea . I drank the recommended ' up to 3 cups ' and it seemed to work rather well . Almost immediately there was no more leaking or engorgement . By the beginning of July I was starting to feel pretty good about everything again . I 'm a former La Leche League leader , so I had a decent idea of how to start the whole process . The first feeding I was planning to cut out was the overnight feeding . Not only is this the easiest to start with , but cutting that one first would hopefully start to decrease my milk supply overall . Overnight feedings will impact your daytime supply . If your baby nurses a lot overnight , it should help to increase your daytime supply . If you cut out your overnight feedings , your daytime supply should go down . I figured that I would work on that for 4 - 5 days . The next feedings to go would be the daytime feedings not associated with sleeping . The snacks and the feedings that helped with fussiness or boredom . There weren 't too many of these left . My daughter was a pretty good eater and she wasn 't nursing too much during the day anymore . After working on that for 4 - 5 days I decided that we would get rid of the nursing before her nap , and then finally , the nursing before bed . I already knew that those would be the most difficult . I had bought the girl a special Hello Kitty water bottle for her to use overnight . So when she woke up she could have that instead of nursing . She wasn 't too impressed , but after the first few nights things settled down . The daytime ' snacks ' went about the same . A little rough at first , but she adjusted within a few days . For naps and nighttime I had originally decided that I would gradually decrease the amount of time spent nursing until we were down to like , a minute the last day . But when it came time to start decreasing the sessions I couldn 't do it . The idea that our last nursing together would only be a minute long - and probably a stressful minute since she would protest the shortened time - it was just too much . I told a friend that I was just going to nurse at those times like usual , and then just be done . I wanted the memory of our last nursing time together to be a pleasant one . My friend didn 't think that was such a great idea . But my mind was made up . Turns out , what I thought would be our last nursing wasn 't . The girl woke up the next day with a cold and a slight fever . She was miserable all day . I told my husband that it didn 't seem fair . She was sick and the one thing she probably wanted more than anything was to nurse . ' Do you think it would be ok if I just nurse her before bed tonight ? One last time ? ' The husband thought it would be ok , so that 's exactly what I did . It was the best thing I could have done . The last nursing was one that made her feel better physically , and made me feel better emotionally . It 's good to go out on a high note . Memorial Day weekend was great . Lots of food , drink , and sunshine . We got to drive around in our friends ' boat too , which is always fun . The kids go tubing and the guys water - ski . Once when we were all getting ready to go out in the boat , the boys noticed that I was putting sunscreen on my scar and then putting a long scarf ( summery ! not a big woolen one ) around my neck . I mentioned that I had to do that since I had a scar from surgery . ' Yeah , my mom had surgery a couple of weeks ago , ' the boy told his friend . ' I know . Cause your mom has cancer . ' Shit . We actually hadn 't told the boy this yet . I was pretty sure that we had let our friends in on that particular piece of information , but it didn 't matter now . Originally , we weren 't sure how he would react , so we had decided to wait until school was out for the summer to tell him . Too late now . We were driving back Monday evening when he asked about it . He wanted to know if it was true . We told him that it was and I apologized like crazy for not telling him sooner . I said that of course we had been planning to tell him , we had just wanted to wait a couple of more weeks . And we were sure to let him know that while I had cancer , I was expected to be just fine . That there was nothing to worry about . Not that he seemed terribly worried anyway . He just wanted to know what was going on . Honestly . The month of May was not the greatest this year . It started with a cancer diagnosis on April 30 , which led to surgery and an emotional roller coaster . I was not anticipating my summer to go much better . Weaning my daughter in June and going through treatment in August . I was almost counting on July to be a reprieve - an oasis in the middle of all the other crap . July and also Memorial Day weekend . We were going away - two nights at a friend 's lake house and then one night with my in - laws , who live about half an hour away from said lake house . It would be a weekend of eating and drinking and not thinking about cancer . We were also blowing off the annual Memorial Day block party . I didn 't feel like explaining my scar to the neighbors . We 'd only told like two of our neighbors about my cancer and had asked them not to tell anyone for two reasons . First , having a bunch of people know made it feel like a much bigger deal than I actually think it is . And second , there are a few neighbors who I truthfully don 't care for . But that 's a topic for another time . The important thing was , we were getting out of town . The afternoon before we were headed out , I got a call from the scheduler at nuclear medicine . Dr . E 's nurse had told me that I would , so I was expecting her call . Just like S said , the woman told me to write everything down that she was about to tell me . The first thing she said was , ' So you 've stopped breastfeeding ? ' I told her that no , I hadn 't . That Dr . E had given me until the end of June to wean my daughter . She hit the roof . I was told that it simply wasn 't enough time and that I couldn 't be lactating at all when I got the treatment . That it was too dangerous . ' Really , ' she said . ' You should stop , like , today . ' I was a little taken aback . I thought everything had been settled . She said she would call Dr . E 's nurse right away to straighten this out . ' Do you want to talk about this other stuff after I talk with her ? ' I told her I thought that would be best . So , the next day while I was packing , and so excited to be leaving town , I got a call from S . She told me that she had heard about the previous day 's conversation . ' It 's really looking like you 'll have to stop sooner . They don 't want you going past June 12 . ' I started to cry . I was finding all of this rather upsetting . Weaning can be pretty difficult when it 's not your decision . Just when I thought I had made some sort of peace with it , I was having to wean two to three weeks sooner than I had expected . It threw me for a loop all over again . Obviously , S knew I was upset . ' Why don 't we say that you 're done on the 15th . That lets you finish out the week . ' She was trying really hard . She had even asked Dr . E if we could push my treatment back , but I was already getting the radioactive iodine later than he wanted me too . He wouldn 't budge on the dates . I said the 15th would be fine . I was still crying though . ' Will you be ok ? Do you want the number of a lactation consultant ? ' It was very nice of her . I assured her I would be ok . I have a good friend who is in an LC . She said she would check back in a few weeks to make sure that the weaning had gone well . We hung up . I reminded myself that I was getting the hell out of town . And that I wouldn 't think at all about weaning or cancer or anything like that until June . I was going to end May on a high note . The next day I was back at the hospital , this time to have a follow up with my surgeon . The valet recognized me from the day before . I had given him a decent tip , although I didn 't think it was over the top . Maybe people don 't tip hospital valets ? He asked how long I would be . About an hour . He didn 't give me a claim ticket . He just told me to look for him when I came back from my appointment . When I got inside the room , I was disappointed to see the surgeon 's assistant . Not that she wasn 't pleasant and smart , but I really liked Dr . S . She went over my pathologies , just like Dr . E had the day before . ' How many lymph nodes were taken out ? ' I asked . My mother had asked me and I realized that I didn 't know . ' 21 . Ten from the center of your neck . Of those , seven were positive for cancer . They also took eleven from the left side of your neck . Of those four were cancerous . ' So ten weren 't cancerous . Yea for small victories ! I also asked her about the BRAF mutation . I couldn 't stop worrying about it . She told me that it was a more recent discovery in papillary thyroid cancers , so she wasn 't sure what the long term implications were . ' You can ask Dr . S . She might have more information for you on that . ' So I was going to get to see Dr . S after all . Her assistant was probably wondering why I was bombarding her with questions when my doctor would be in soon . She finished up by taking the bandage off of my neck . Shortly after she left , Dr . S came in . She checked my incision - it was healing very nicely . She said to make sure that I wore sunscreen over the incision . She also recommended lightly massaging the area a few times a day to help with healing . She asked how I felt otherwise . Did my throat hurt ? How was my voice ? My throat didn 't hurt , but my voice was still a little rough . I don 't usually notice it until the end of the day . She assured me that my voice would continue to get better , although it might take months to completely heal . I asked her about the BRAF mutation . ' Yes , it does make the cancer more aggressive , but I am confident that we got everything out . And , if not , you 'll have your treatment in August . That should take care of the rest . Also , it is a recent discovery , which means that for years almost half the people who had papillary thyroid cancer had the BRAF mutation and didn 't even know it . And their chances of it not recurring were still excellent . ' Then she looked at me seriously . ' You know , with papillary thyroid cancer the aim of your surgery and treatment is to help you maintain your quality of life . With other cancers , it 's to keep you alive . ' And that , my friends , was the kick in the pants I needed . That is why I like my surgeon so much . It helps to have someone around making sure you keep a healthy perspective on things . We finished up by going over my calcium supplements . My numbers looked good , so she was dropping me down from six ultra - strength tablets a day to two . It was a big drop , but it didn 't look like there was any damage to my parathyroid glands from the surgery . ( The parathyroid glands control your calcium levels , and those glands sit right next to your thyroid . ) I 'm following up with her again in September . When I got back out to the valet , he had my car parked right next to his station . Basically , he had parked my car for free , which was so awesome of him . Well , free , except for the tip that I gave him , of course . Totally worth it . The very first thing I would have to do would be to stop breastfeeding my daughter . This is because the radioactive iodine they use to treat thyroid cancer can be absorbed into the breast milk , which could cause more problems for me down the road . I had known from the beginning that would have to happen , but I hadn 't put much thought into it . My surgeon had said not to worry about it until I met with the endocrinologist . So , here I was . Officially worrying about it . Dr . E had estimated that if I stopped breastfeeding by the end of June then we should be able to schedule my treatment for the middle of August . S wrote everything down on a calendar . I would get a breast scan at the end of July to make sure that I was no longer lactating . The next time I would come in would be to get a low dose of iodine on August 13 , and then another low dose on August 14 . These low doses of iodine would enable them to give me a body scan on the morning of the 15th . The body scan would show them where any remaining cancer was in my body . After the scan I would receive a large dose of radioactive iodine , and then I would go home for a week of isolation while the iodine went to work . That was the basic plan . There were other details to note . About 2 weeks before treatment would start , I would have to go off my thyroid medication . Being in a hypothyroid state enables the remaining cancer cells to ' mop up ' the iodine , and then the iodine kills the cancer cells . I would also have to be on a low iodine diet during this time . S went over the list of foods that I couldn 't have . In addition to salt I couldn 't eat seafood , beans , egg yolks , nuts , or dairy ( I was surprised to learn that dairy farmers use an iodine solution to clean cow udders ) . I laughed when S told me the list . The only meat I eat is seafood , so I basically won 't be able to have any of my usual protein sources . It 's only a couple of weeks , so it really shouldn 't be a big deal . But I think I 'll probably end up eating chicken anyway . When you have the iodine treatment people can 't spend too much time in close proximity to you . It 's especially bad for small children . The radiation you put off can harm their thyroids . The husband was going to have to go away with the kids . We had already talked about this and the plan was for them to go to my in - laws . Dr . E had said I only needed to be in isolation for five days . S suggested seven . ' Listen , ' she said , ' any doctor in this office will tell you five days and I 'm sure that if you did five days it would be perfectly safe . But I 'm the one who takes the calls from mothers of small children , and they 're always worried it 's not enough time . I 'm telling you for your peace of mind , make it seven if you can . ' Duly noted . I was also told that when I got the treatment , that the people giving it to me would be covered head to toe in large orange Haz - Mat suits . ' You shouldn 't worry about it , ' S said . ' It 's not because your dose is so dangerous . It 's because they give these to people every day . ' For some reason I found the idea of two people in large orange suits coming at me with my iodine unnerving . I got a little choked up , but I tried to hide it from S . I had already cried over the talk about stopping breastfeeding and the thought of my family having to leave me for a week . S gave me pamphlets and papers to take home . My treatment dates were on the calendar . S told me that someone from nuclear medicine would be calling me soon to give me more information about the process . ' She 'll tell you to take notes , but you 'll end up getting the same materials mailed to you in a packet anyway . Just so you know . ' And that was it . I felt exhausted and overwhelmed by everything that I had just been told . I 'd been at the hospital for close to three hours . I was ready to go home and not think about cancer for the rest of the day . My visit started with me waiting in line behind a couple who had driven in from Butler County . Probably about a one to two hour long trip . The front office person couldn 't find them on the schedule , and then it turned out that was because the guy didn 't have his appointment until the following day . I felt myself growing more anxious as the conversation continued . They had both taken off of work for the day . Couldn 't the doctor squeeze the man in ? No , no he could not . I felt bad for the employee who had to deliver such crappy news . But she seemed ok with it , very calm . I reminded myself that it wasn 't my problem . Frankly , the employee seemed to be handling it better than I was . I checked in and sat down . I was taken back fairly quickly and didn 't have to wait long to see Dr . E . While I got a quick check up - he looked at my neck , checked my breathing , etc , we talked about our kids . Our daughters were just a few months apart and they both had older brothers . So ! Things in common and all that . Then he asked if I had gone over my pathologies yet . ' No , ' I said , ' I meet with the surgeon tomorrow ' . He could actually go over the pathologies with me now . So we moved over to his desk . First , he wanted to let me know that this was cancer and he was taking it all seriously . Which was great - I 'm sure some people with papillary thyroid cancer don 't feel like their doctors take it seriously enough . But as I had already discussed with Dr . H , I feel a lot better when my cancer is made light of . I kept my mouth shut though . I know that Dr . E . felt like he was doing the right thing . We went through some stuff that I was aware of , the diagnosis was correct , the thyroid was removed , as were some lymph nodes . Some of the lymph nodes tested positive for cancer and some did not . And then he mentioned that my cancer cells also had the BRAF mutation . Apparently lots of different cancers have the BRAF mutation . I don 't know what it means for all the different types , but in papillary thyroid cancer it makes the cancer cells more aggressive and it spreads more quickly than non - BRAF cancers . ( I 'm going to guess this is why it was in my lymph nodes as well as my thyroid . ) About 40 % - 45 % of all papillary thyroid cancers have the BRAF mutation , so it 's pretty common . In addition to making the cancer cells more aggressive , it also means that you stand a higher chance of the cancer coming back . So instead of a 5 % chance that your thyroid cancer will come back you stand a 20 % chance . Which sucks . Although I 'm going to guess that those are still better odds than a lot of other cancer patients receive . And I can always choose the optimistic route of saying , 80 % likelihood that it won 't come back . For some reason though , that day , I wasn 't feeling very optimistic . And the BRAF revelation really shook me up . I had been feeling so great about the surgery , and feeling as though the cancer was truly gone - which was ridiculous , since I hadn 't undergone the treatment yet - but I 'd been so positive about everything just the same . And now I was feeling like I 'd been knocked to the floor and I couldn 't get back up . He finished up the talk by going over my current meds . The calcium , he said , was the surgeon 's call . I could discuss that with her tomorrow . But he really felt that 88 mcg of synthroid ( replacement thyroid hormone ) was way too low . He bumped it up to 100 . We used to have a cat named Ferdinand . Unfortunately , we had to place him in another home two months before the girl was born . There were several reasons for that , really . But probably the biggest reason was him not using the litterbox . He would , occasionally , take a shit somewhere else in the house . This was a problem that worsened as he got older . He never did it as a kitten . We moved when he was five , and I think he only ever did it once in our old house . But over the span of four years in the newer house , he began to do this with increasing - and alarming - frequency . It turned out that there were two reasons for this . The first , which we had always suspected , was that he was trying to show dominance over the other two cats in the house . We thought it would get better when our female cat died , but then he was just in competition with the other male . So it got worse . It also increased because he had a physical condition that was getting worse . We didn 't suspect anything physical until we realized that he was actually in pain . Of course , at first I just thought he was crazy . His howling would wake me up in the middle of the night . ' Oh my God , ' I would say to my husband . ' Did you hear that ? He is truly psychotic . Why is he making those noises ? ? ' And then the husband , who wasn 't really awake anyway , would grunt and roll over , leaving me awake to wonder what insanity was going on in our cat 's head . Until one night , when I went downstairs to see what the hell was going on . I don 't know why it took me so long to do this . The noises were honestly a little frightening , but really ? What did I expect ? A knife wielding cat , ready to attack as soon as I entered my living room ? What I found instead was Ferdinand , hunched over in obvious pain , trying to go to the bathroom . On our rug . A trip to the vet confirmed that Ferdinand had Impacted Bowel Syndrome . This meant that he was constipated much of the time and part of his intestines were too stretched out to work properly . We tried to treat it with some lifestyle adjustments at first . We fed him only wet food . We switched to a running water bowl to encourage him to drink more . We tried stool softeners . Nothing worked . He ended up undergoing surgery - the last resort . They would basically shorten his intestine . It worked like a charm . It was obvious that he felt fantastic . Rather than making him a more agreeable cat though , which is what we had hoped for , he became even more aggressive with our other cat . And that is when he was placed in another home where there were no other cats and no children and he is now happy as can be . And I sort of feel sorry for the cat who got to stay with us because , really ? He is just not getting the quiet attentive household that Ferdinand now has . All that is to say , the Saturday after my surgery I felt terrible . I had a new empathy for what Ferdinand had gone through - the cramping and being doubled over in pain . I knew that he had been in pain , but I had a better understanding of what he must have felt like . It was bloody awful and it made me feel sick all over . My mother had been thinking of leaving that morning , and I had asked her to stay just one more day . I was so glad that I did . I was miserable . At the time I thought that it was my body getting rid of the last of the drugs and medicine that I had been given during surgery and post - op . I was later told that it was more likely my body 's reaction to the large doses of calcium that I had been prescribed following the surgery . Either way , it made for a pretty lousy Saturday . I know these things go differently for everyone , but I honestly felt great over the next few days . I mean , comparatively . My neck muscles were sore but my throat felt fine . ( I later found out that your neck muscles get stiff from lying so still during the surgery . ) I realized by Thursday night - two days after the surgery - that I was just eating whatever I wanted . I was officially off any specific ' diet ' . I had expected to be exhausted , but I wasn 't . Although it did feel good to take it easy . Not knowing what it would be like , we had lined up things for the boy to do every afternoon that week . He had places to go after school and often was invited to stay for dinner . Someone brought him to and from soccer that week . My mother helped with the girl and took the boy to and from school . I didn 't feel like seeing anyone yet . I figured I would deal with that the following week . I was feeling much better than I had expected and I was feeling a little guilty about asking for so much help . Which is silly , I know . I had just undergone surgery for thyroid cancer . But I really felt like I could have been doing more that week than I was . People were bringing us food too , which we really didn 't need , although it was delicious and , of course appreciated . My in - laws brought homemade minestrone soup , and another friend brought over a vegetarian shepherd 's pie . This was on top of the roast and lasagnas my mother had brought with her . We had other offers to cook , but we asked people to please not worry about bringing us anything . At the very least , I knew that when my mother left things would be ok . I was perfectly capable of managing without help . Which was a great realization . The morning nurse came in and asked how I was feeling . I told her that I was hungry and that I really , really needed coffee . I was told that I was being upgraded to a ' soft food ' diet - I honestly wasn 't sure what that meant . Are there hard foods for breakfast ? She said she would just let the cafeteria know and they would send up a tray . She was sympathetic about the coffee and had some sent right away . Which was awesome . When she left a physician 's assistant came in . She was the PA for my surgeon . She was there to make sure I was in good shape . Which I was . She took me off my IV and covered up my incision with a large bandage . If it fell off it was ok , but otherwise I had to keep it on until my visit with the surgeon the following week . She also took my drain out which , seriously , may have been the worst part . It 's incredibly uncomfortable and sort of painful too . But , hey , much better than taking it home . Then the PA left the room . While I waited for breakfast I put the tv on . Weekday morning tv is so fucking dismal . I settled on reruns of Supernanny , a show I had never watched when it was on in prime time . I was sympathetic to a couple of the stories - even if I didn 't completely agree with some of the decisions . But the one that killed me was this family where the parents were deaf but all three of their daughters could hear . I think they ranged in age from like four to seven years old . The mother had an eighteen year old daughter from a previous relationship . The young daughters wouldn 't listen to their parents , only to the older girl . The older girl felt like she was missing out on being a teenager and fought with her step - dad all the time . The young daughters were so terrible and disrespectful . It was awful to watch . I was actually glad for them that Supernanny was there to save the day . Breakfast showed up and it was oatmeal , eggs , and toast . I ate just about everything . I totally surprised myself . After eating I got up and got dressed . I couldn 't wait for the husband to get there and take me home . When he showed up he was amazed to see that I was up , had eaten , and was dressed and waiting . He told me to call my mother because she was convinced I was going to be in such awful shape . I gave her a quick call - she was happy to know that I felt so well - and then I hung up and we waited . And waited . The same thing happened when I had my kids . Hospitals seem reluctant to let you go . It always takes forever to get released . Like waiting for the check at certain restaurants . You wonder why they want to keep you around when you 'd think they would want to turn the table over to someone else . Finally after much waiting around I was released . And then I went home one thyroid and several lymph nodes lighter than when I had walked in . I woke up at 1 : 30am , and for the first time since the surgery I wanted something to eat . I felt pretty good . I buzzed for the nurse and Alecia went into the hall to make sure she was coming to the room . She came down , checked me out , and gave me my first meal . I was on a liquid diet . Broth and Jello was what I got . Alecia and I talked while I ate . I told her I felt pretty engorged . I hadn 't nursed my daughter for almost 24 hours . ' Can you bring me the breast pump ? ' I asked . ' It should be over there in a Target bag . ' My husband had told me he brought it in . Alecia looked and looked , but it wasn 't anywhere . Probably still in the trunk of our car . Instead , she brought me the iPad and I looked up hand expression . I 'd never done it before , but I 'd read enough about it . I figured at the very least I could get myself to a point where I was comfortable . So , there I sat at 2am , eating broth , hand expressing into a cup , hooked up to an IV , with a large bandage on my neck . It was quite glamorous , as I 'm sure you can imagine . I was very grateful that Alecia was there to help me with everything . I just felt badly that she was awake with me in the middle of the night . She had to drive back for a meeting four hours away . She was leaving around 5am . ' Don 't worry about it , ' she said . ' I knew what I was getting into . I wouldn 't have offered if I thought it would be a problem . ' By 2 : 30 I had finished eating and I was comfortable again . We turned out the lights and went to sleep . The nurse came in for morning rounds just before 5am . When the nurse was done and had left the room , Alecia got up to go . It just took her a few minutes to get ready . When she left I went back to sleep for a couple of more hours . All the rooms at St . Margaret 's are private . Someone told me that the week before my surgery . It hadn 't occurred to me that they wouldn 't be . Both of my kids were born at Magee , where all of the rooms ( at least postpartum ) are private . It 's great having a private room . I had to share a room when I got my tonsils out in college . Of course , I was on the side without the tv . I had to lay there listening to whatever the older lady on the other side of the curtain was watching . I also got yelled at for throwing up in the bathroom instead of in the bedpan . They hadn 't wanted me to walk to the bathroom by myself in case I fell . Good times . Having a private room was great since Alecia would be staying the night with me . She was already in the room when they wheeled me in . The husband was there too . I was exhausted and nauseous . And burning up . I felt so uncomfortably hot . ' You , ' I pointed To Alecia ' need a reclining chair . Can we get a reclining chair for her ? She 's spending the night . ' ' Don 't worry about me . . . ' she started to say . But I wanted a fan too . ' Can I get a fan ? I don 't feel well and this room is too hot . ' So much for the bed - jacket my mother insisted that I pack . I was kicking the sheets off of me . I felt as though I needed cool air or I would be sick . The nurses were great and got the chair and fan delivered pretty quickly . The husband and Alecia made sure that I was settled and comfortable . Then I fell asleep . I was so exhausted . I pretty much slept all afternoon and evening . I would wake up for about 5 minutes at a time , maybe eat some ice chips , feel sick , and fall back asleep . Once I woke up and the husband told me he was going home to help my mom with the kids . He 'd be back in the morning to pick me up . Other times I woke up and the nurse would be checking in on me for one thing or another . But mostly I slept . The first time I woke up and didn 't feel ill was 10 : 30pm . Alecia was asleep , so I went back to sleep too . The husband and I got up bright and early so we could get to the hospital by 7 : 30 . St . Margaret 's is nice - much tamer than Presby in Oakland . Presby is very busy , lots of activity . St . Margaret 's is busy too , but it 's in the suburbs , so the campus is more spread out . The effect is calming , which is good when you 're headed there for surgery . We checked in and it wasn 't long before I was taken back to be weighed . Then I was sent to the prep area . I was given lucky room # 13 ( stall ? really not a room . . . ) . They handed me a bag for my clothes . I got into my gown and laid down on the gurney . People came in to go over my medical history , take blood for the research project and basically make sure that I was ready for the surgery . Finally my husband got to come back . Neither one of us was nervous , so that was good . I just couldn 't wait to get it over with . Get the cancer out of my neck already . The anesthesiologist came in and explained the different drugs that he was going to use , how they would work , how they would make me feel . He left and his assistant came in shortly afterward . She was very nice and asked if I was ready to get the initial dose . Absolutely . ' OK , this may make you feel like you 've had about two glasses of wine . ' To which I , apparently , very charmingly replied , ' Oh , it takes me about four glasses to feel like this . ' I think we continued the conversation on the way to the where I was going to have the surgery . But I couldn 't tell you what we talked about . Based on our wine conversation my guess would be . . . liquor ? And I couldn 't tell you at what point I passed out . But I totally did . When I came to I was in post op . They promptly brought me ice chips . I sucked on those for a while and looked around the room . It was packed . I think every bed was full . One patient was really agitated and giving the nurses a terrible time of it . I wonder what procedure he had done . I 'm guessing he must have been in a lot of pain . I can 't figure out why else he would be so angry . The nurses seemed to be nice and very attentive . My surgeon came back to let me know that the surgery went very well . They had successfully removed my thyroid and several lymph nodes from the center and left sides of my neck . Also on the left , the growth on my thyroid had started to attach itself to muscle . Fantastic ! Anyway , it had just started , and they were able to cut away any part of the muscle that had seemed effected . She was confident that they got everything out that needed to come out . Everything went very well . When she left they sent my husband back . He came in to tell me that my friend , Alecia , had arrived and was getting some lunch . She would meet us up in the room . I was exhausted , my throat was sore , and I was nauseous . I couldn 't wait to get to the room . I just wanted to sleep . That Monday my mom arrived sometime in the late afternoon . She brought all kinds of stuff with her - as she usually does . Often it 's clothes for the kiddos , and this time was no exception . But she also brought stuff for me , including ; a tray , plasticware , and a fluffy pink bed - jacket . I know . I didn 't get it either . So , the tray was in case I was bedridden and she needed to bring me meals in bed . Fair enough . The plasticware was in case I was so out of it on pain medication that I would continually knock things over or drop them ( ? ! ) . So I guess that way dishes wouldn 't constantly be breaking on the floor of my bedroom . And the bed - jacket was in case I was freezing in the hospital . Not that my mother is old . She 's not . But my grandmother is alive and kicking at 92 and my mother visits her a lot at her retirement community . She visits so often that she has become friends with other people in the building . They all know and love my mom . My mom takes good care of my grandmother . So I can 't help but think that she picked up these things based upon what someone 40 years older than myself would need after they came home from surgery . What my grandmother might need , or one of her neighbors . Whatever . I packed the bed - jacket in my backpack . Who knows ? Maybe I would be freezing in the hospital . I didn 't pack much else though . My backpack only had the bed - jacket , clean underwear and socks , my phone , a book , the iPad , and my toothbrush and toothpaste . They really discourage you from bringing too many things to the hospital . I also had a manual breast pump in a bag , in case I got engorged while I was there overnight . Friday night we ate with friends in Squirrel Hill . The boy was playing with their sons . I had stayed that afternoon for a glass of wine . It turned into dinner and my husband joined us after work . We ordered food from Yinzburgh . One reason we chose Yinzburgh was because they have tofu on the menu . I know - if you 're ordering barbecue you should just get meat already . But I only eat seafood so tofu was my best option . It was ok . Don 't get me wrong - it 's very nice that they even offer it . It 's just . . . it would be great if they just didn 't send you a brick of tofu covered in sauce . Cut in quarters and pressed would make it more appetizing . And it would maximize sauce coverage , which is what barbecue is all about anyway . The sauces were great . Everyone else loved their ribs & chicken . We also got collard greens and macaroni , which were awesome . I really really love me some collards . Saturday night was spent with friends in Morningside . Take out again - we ordered pizza & subs . I am also a big fan of pizza and I can really put away the slices . After dinner we sat around their fire pit . It was a really lovely Pittsburgh evening , cool and pleasant . While we were enjoying the fire my friend brought out a get well card . It was signed by a dozen of our friends and filled with Wheel Deliver ' cash ' . Very touching and I was totally blown away . There are times when it just kind of it hits me how lucky we are and what amazing , caring friends we have . Seriously . We have some of the very best people ever in our corner . Sunday was Mothers ' Day . It 's always low - key around here . The husband took the kids on a bike ride . Later in the day the guys went shopping and came back with flowers for me . Then we headed to our friends ' house in Lawrenceville . Our friend is a fantastic cook , and she made this delicious salmon recipe for dinner . You should try it . It is so so good . We had chocolates and ice cream for dessert . We stayed a little too late for a school night . But when you 're enjoying good company , good food , and good wine , it 's rather hard to tear yourself away . My mother had been surfing the web , looking for information on thyroid cancer . She came across this blog . Heather , the woman who writes A Mama 's Blog , went through thyroid cancer several years ago . Her blog is full of useful information , including how helpful it is to have someone stay overnight with you in the hospital . Brilliant ! It never occurred to me , but what a good idea . My mother thought so too . ' So , ' she said , ' your husband can stay overnight with you then , and I 'll stay home with the kids . ' ' No . That won 't work . The girl has never spent the night without us there and she 's nursing . It will be hard enough without me there - it will be worse without both of us . He 'll need to be home with the kids . ' My mother seemed reluctant , but agreed to stay at the hospital with me . Not sure what the reluctance was about , and I didn 't bother asking . I 'm pretty sure that she was worried I was going to be in terrible shape , that she would need to do more work than she was actually prepared to do . Alecia called me the next day . She said that she had been wanting to help me in some way , but was unsure how . ' But I think I know now . I want to stay with you at the hospital overnight . ' Crazy , I told her , because I had * just * had this conversation with my mom the day before . Yes , of course , I would love for her to stay with me . My mom was pretty thrilled too .

" I just think he 's going to violate the restraining order , " said Rosanna . " And as soon as he does , he breaks parole and he 's right back in jail and everything 's fine . Even if he just pulls into the driveway , that 's a violation . I don 't even have to talk to him . I 'm not going to , if I can help it . " " I should be here to help , " said Tia . " I should be here to support you . It won 't be as bad if we 're here together . " " Neither do you ! " Tia stood up and looked down at the dark spot she 'd left on the couch , patting it with her hand to determine if it warranted fetching a towel or not . " Why can 't I stay at Amy 's house instead ? " " I don 't want to drag anyone who isn 't part of our family into this , " said Rosanna . " I don 't want Amy 's family to be involved in any way . It 's embarrassing , Tia . It 's bad enough that we 're imposing on your uncles . " I have to get back to work , " said Rosanna . " Please go to your uncles ' place and please don 't argue anymore . That 's all I ask . And if you see Bradley anywhere , please call me right away . Love you , Tia , bye . " Tia wanted to argue more , and she wanted to stay in the house and support her mom , and she had no desire to stay at her uncles ' house . But Bradley scared her . She went upstairs , got her suitcase out of the closet , and began to pack . Tia 's uncle Manny showed her the room she 'd be sleeping in as long as she was staying with him and her uncle Parker . " We usually use it as a junk room , " said Manny . " But we cleaned it up for you . Well , Parker cleaned it up for you . " The room was almost bare . There was a queen - sized bed against the far wall and a stack of blue binders rested next to the open , empty closet . " This is the junk room ? " asked Tia . " It 's spotless . Where did all the junk go ? " Manny was the youngest of Rosanna 's siblings , only ten years older than Tia . Uncle Parker was older than Rosanna , almost 50 . Manny still looked young and seemed to be in good shape , but he also always looked like he 'd just woken up and he had a shaggy , uneven haircut that made him look unintelligent , which he was not . Even though they lived in Multioak , Tia didn 't see much of her uncles and never really had . She had vague memories of them from when she was little . Parker had always been a somber , silent presence , but Manny used to be a lot of fun . He 'd been a teenager when Tia was a kid and she remembered him as being lively and a little crass and that he always brought new girlfriends to family gatherings . Then he moved away , something bad happened to him , and he came back to Multioak and moved in with Parker . Tia wasn 't sure if it was whatever had happened to him when he moved away or if it was moving in with Parker or if it was just getting older or if it was some combination of all of those things , but whatever it was , Manny had changed . He was still more talkative than Parker , but his high - pitched laugh had withered and become a rarely - occurring , detached chuckle . He expressed no strong opinions , never offered any personal information about himself , and Rosanna said he had no ambition , but that was a catch - all criticism she used to describe pretty much anyone of whom she didn 't approve . Parker was also on her list of people who she considered without ambition . " So how long do you think you 'll be here ? " asked Manny . " Your mom didn 't tell us much . She was vague about why you 're even here at all , actually . " " It 's my mom 's awful boyfriend , " said Tia . " He got out of jail and she thinks he 'll come around the house to try to win her back . She got a restraining order on him though , so he should be back in jail in a couple of days . " " So what do you want for supper ? " asked Manny . " Parker always picks up supper on the way home from work . He likes driving so he 'll swing by anywhere . " Manny nodded and left Tia alone in the guest room . She heard him walk down the hall to his bedroom and close the door . A heavy silence wrapped itself around the house and began to squeeze . Tia thought maybe singing a song to herself would help , but for the first time in her life , she couldn 't think of a song that she felt like singing . Everything that came to mind just seemed sort of trite or weak . Tia really hoped Bradley would harass her mother soon . " He 's very connected to the local tragedy scene , " said Parker . " He has connections everywhere . And no , people don 't get upset . He doesn 't use any names and he treats them all very solemnly because big or small , they 're all tragic . You 'll see . " Parker nodded . " Yes , I do . " Tia 's uncle Parker was thin and he had small , dark eyes that didn 't suit him . He wasn 't much taller than Tia . Maybe two inches . He managed a cell phone store and he wore the yellow polo shirts that constituted his work uniform every day , even on days he didn 't work , even when he mowed the lawn . Tia didn 't see him very often , but every time she did he was wearing one of his yellow work shirts . She hoped it was because he owned a lot of them and not because he just wore the same shirt every day . " They 're of varying lengths depending on how much material he has , " said Parker . " But there 's a lot left . Do you not like it ? " Tia turned to face Parker on the couch and pulled her legs up as she leaned closer to him . " What happened to Manny before he came back ? Why is he so sad now ? " " I don 't support him , " said Parker . " He collects unemployment . I don 't charge him rent , but I don 't support him either . " Parker bent down to the laptop and un - paused the video . Tia sat back on the couch to watch . She was curious to see what the show would be like once it got to the local material . After a few more minutes of broad criticism , during which Parker told Tia that Arnie " always contextualizes tragedies , " the program shifted abruptly and drastically , and once it did , Tia didn 't last long . " A Multioak man , " said Arnie , sitting at the desk in his garage and reading off of a blue sheet of paper without looking up at the camera , " was fired from his job for calling in sick to work too many times . But the man really was sick every time he called in . He 's been sickly his entire life . His job involved handling food and he was terrified of passing along his illnesses to customers . Now he 's still sickly , but he has no job . In addition , he 's 36 and he 's never had a real romantic experience . " Arnie paused and glanced up at the camera . Then he continued , still reading off of the same sheet of paper . " A Multioak boy doesn 't understand his trigonometry homework . His parents have tried to help , the teacher has tried to help , his parents even hired a tutor , but all of their efforts have been in vain . The boy feels incapable of learning trigonometry and that may be the truth . And if he 's incapable of learning trigonometry , of what else might he be incapable ? That 's a question he 's been forced to ask himself at age 17 . " Arnie paused again , this time without looking up . " A Multioak woman left the front door ajar while talking to a friend in her driveway . While she wasn 't looking , her young granddaughter - " Tia stood up and hurried out of the room with her hands over her ears so she wouldn 't hear what happened to the Multioak woman 's granddaughter . Parker said nothing as she walked between him and the TV , didn 't even look up at her . He just watched the screen with his face rigidly composed , silently tapping his feet on the carpet , left - left - right , left - left - right , left - left - right . " I know , I know , " said Rosanna . " I know , Tia . It won 't be too long , I 'm sure of it . Bradley might not show up at all . If I haven 't heard from in a couple of days , then maybe he 'll just stay away and you can come back home . " " Don 't let your uncles get you down , Tia . You 're an upbeat person . Instead of letting them get you down , maybe you could bring some joy into their lives ? " " Manny always liked you when you were a kid . Maybe if you reminisce about those days with him it 'll take him back . Who knows , maybe you 'll even get a little glimpse of how he used to be , right ? " " I guess , " said Tia . She paused . " Mom , one more question : does it help you to know that I support you ? Like , emotionally ? " " Yes , " said Rosanna . " It helps me very , very , very much . Very much . I 'd die without your emotional support , Tia . " Tia stood up and walked out into the hall . Down the hall to her left , in the living room , Parker was still watching his show . Tia could hear Arnie 's voice , but she couldn 't make out what he was saying , thank God . Down the hall to her right were Manny and Parker 's bedrooms . Parker 's door was open and his room was dark , but there was a faint light coming from beneath Manny 's closed door . Tia walked down the hall and stood outside of Manny 's room , listening . She didn 't hear any sound coming through the door . The doorknob had a keyhole in it , which Tia thought was odd . She raised her fist to knock and paused . It was as if Tia could sense Manny staring at the door from the other side , poised over whatever he was working on , silently discouraging her knock , willing her away from his room , rejecting whatever it was she was trying to offer him . Tia lowered her hand and walked back down the hall to the guest room , stopping just outside the open door , an uncle to her right and an uncle to her left , each absorbed in his own dark thoughts . Tia stepped into the guest room , closed the door behind her , crossed the room , and knelt on the bed to open the window . She stuck her head out into the summer night and gulped the air . The next day , Manny emerged from his bedroom just after noon . Tia had woken up when she heard Parker leave for work at 8 and she 'd spent a pleasant morning straightening up her uncles ' living room , watching TV shows that were light and cheery , and sunning herself in a plastic chair on the back patio while texting friends . She had just come inside to use the bathroom , and on her way back through the kitchen to the patio door , Manny came into the kitchen wearing very modest boxer shorts and an unzipped hooded sweatshirt that exposed a pale , vertical strip of his torso . " Sorry , " said Manny when he saw Tia . " I forgot you were here . " He tried to zip up his sweatshirt but the zipper got stuck a third of the way up and he immediately abandoned the attempt . He did not apologize for his lack of pants , but the boxer shorts really were very modest , so there was no actual need for an apology . Tia stood with her fingers on the handle to the glass patio door and looked outside at the chair in the sun . It was so close . She turned to Manny . " Hey , do you remember that time you walked all the way over to our house to borrow my mom 's car but she 'd forgotten you were coming and she 'd taken the car to Riveryard with her boyfriend ? " " But then you just hung out with me and my friend Amy for a while ? You watched that show that we liked with us , Hangin ' for Real , and you made fun of it the whole time and even though we sincerely liked it , we laughed so hard . And then , I don 't know if you knew this , but we could never take that show seriously anymore after that . We still watched it all the time , but we always tried to copy how you made fun of it . We even used a lot of your same lines , like , the ones we could remember . Like , the way you said ' Wardrobe ! ' all alarmed and angry sounding when Mr . Real came out in those awful pants . Me and Amy still say that . ' Wardrobe ! ' " " I remember some of that , " said Manny . He finally reached into the cupboard and selected one of the boxes of cereal . Then , cereal box in hand , he moved one cupboard closer to Tia and opened it up , extracting a bowl . There was already a spoon in the bowl . " Do you remember any of your other good lines ? " asked Tia . " We always wanted you to come watch Hangin ' for Real with us again . Amy even got the DVD box set and we fantasized about having a marathon with you . But then you moved away . And you moved back , but then … yeah . " " But then I was different , " said Manny . " It 's fine , I 'm not offended . It 's not like I 'm unaware . Trust me , I feel different too . " " That 's a little dramatic , " said Manny . " What made you sad ? " asked Tia , undeterred . " What beat you down ? " She was not at all convinced that Manny hadn 't been broken , even if he hadn 't admitted it to himself yet . Manny poured his cereal into the bowl , did not add milk , and began to eat it with the spoon , half of each spoonful falling off of the spoon and back into the bowl . " Well , it 's ongoing , " he finally said . " It 's my failure to join the Capersicun Chamber of Commerce . I still haven 't figured out how to do it and now my store is gone and I live here so my failure is always around to make me sad or beat me down . " " It 's a bunch of businesses in the same town that organize into a group to promote and advocate for business , " said Manny . Tia waited for him to address her other questions , but it soon became apparent that he was not going to . He finished the bowl of cold , dry cereal , did not rinse it out , and put it and the spoon back in the same cupboard where he 'd gotten them . Now he looked even sadder than usual . " I need to get back to work , " said Manny , and he left Tia alone in the kitchen . A few moments later , Tia heard his bedroom door close . Tia wondered what Manny could possibly be working on . He didn 't seem to have any hobbies or interests , but maybe that was just because she hadn 't asked about hobbies and interests . She certainly hadn 't known he 'd ever had his own store of some kind . " No , " said Rosanna . " You can 't come home . Bradley 's tried to call me six times since eight this morning , but I haven 't picked up so I don 't know what he wants . I 'm just a little worried , Tia . A little . " " Well , I haven 't seen him or heard from him , " said Tia . " And I don 't know why I would . You 're his girlfriend , not me . " Parker stayed in the doorway , blocking the entrance . Tia stood and looked at Manny , who looked back at her and chewed . " Tia , " Parker said without taking his eyes off of Bradley . " Do you want to talk to him ? " " What do you want ? " called Tia . She looked down at Manny , but he was just staring at the last two bites of burrito still in his hand while chewing the third to last bite . Tia crossed the room and stood a few feet behind Parker . Bradley was much taller than Parker and Tia could see him looking in at her over Parker 's head . He 'd always had long , frizzy hair , but it was short now and the porch light shining down on him from directly over his head made him squint and furrow his brow . " I 've been here before , " said Bradley . " I 've met these guys . Your mom and I dropped by a couple of times . I noticed that your car was never at the house the last couple days , so I thought you might be here and I saw your car in the driveway . " " What ? " Tia was astounded . " You 're not good for my mom ! And I don 't like you , actually . Why would you think I did ? We 've never gotten along ! " " OK , OK , " said Bradley . " You don 't have to come with me . Just call your mom and tell her to answer my calls so we can talk . I just want to talk . " Bradley tried to push his way past Parker into the room , but Parker , small as he was , especially compared to Bradley 's sturdy 6 - plus feet , gripped the insides of the door frame with both hands and wouldn 't move . Tia saw Bradley step back and look down at Parker with contempt and she could tell he was on the verge of hitting him , maybe , or ramming Parker out of the way with a shoulder to the chest , but then Bradley 's expression turned uncertain and then to resignation , which was probably only temporary , but even so , he looked up at Tia again , said , " You can 't just make me disappear , " turned , and left . Parker stood and watched until Bradley pulled his car out of the driveway and drove off down the street . Then Parker closed the door and returned to his seat to finish his burrito . Manny was gone , undoubtedly back in his bedroom . Tia hadn 't noticed when he 'd left the room even though he had to have walked right behind her to get to the hallway . " Is that enough to violate the restraining order ? " asked Tia . " Can he just go back to jail now ? He got pretty aggressive , he was yelling . I thought he was going to hit Uncle Parker . " Tia sighed . " Well , I just thought you should know , mom . He actually told me to call you too , but that was to talk you into talking to him , so this doesn 't count . So if he shows up at the house and asks if I called you , either tell him I didn 't or else tell him I did and I told you to definitely call the cops on him if he showed up . Something like that . " " Good , " said Rosanna . " I 'll see you soon and I love you , Tia , bye . " Now she sounded rushed , like she was already pulling her phone away from her ear to hang it up . Tia slipped her phone into her pocket and sat down on the couch next to Parker , most of her burrito still resting on a paper plate on the coffee table in front of her . " Thanks for helping with Bradley , " she said . " I don 't know what he would have done if you weren 't here . " " He would have grabbed you and tried to force you into his car , " said Parker . " That 's what I think . " He finished his burrito and began the process of hooking his laptop up to the TV . " No , he won 't , " said Tia . " He won 't just bring it up out of nowhere . He 's very sensitive about it . It 's very painful for him . He feels like a failure , Uncle Parker . He 's depressed and he 's never gonna get better without our support . " Parker slapped the remote down on the coffee table with startling force . He kept his eyes on the TV , but Tia could see the tension in his profile . " Tia , that store ruined him long before I got involved . Do you know how many people live in Capersicun ? Sixteen hundred . There 's no way a town of that size could support a board game store . He had no chance , but he just kept pouring money into it , trying to please that chamber of commerce so they 'd let him in . You wouldn 't believe the hoops they made him jump through , Tia , it was humiliating for him but he was so fixated on it , he was so sure that if he could join the chamber of commerce , his store would be a success . I begged him to stop , Tia , I argued and pleaded and cried , but he wouldn 't stop . And then at some point , he 'd done so much , he 'd debased himself so thoroughly , that he felt he couldn 't stop , because even though he was all but sure the chamber of commerce was never gonna let him in , if he stopped doing what they told him , then he would be certain that all the debasement was for nothing , a waste of time and energy and resources , not to mention the guilt and the shame . If he kept going , then he could at least imagine there was still a tiny chance they 'd let him in and then , having achieved that goal , there would have been a reason for all the awful things he 'd done , even if that reason was paltry and unsatisfactory . " " Yes , " said Parker . " I know everything . I know more than Manny knows . He knows how I felt about the whole … situation . How I hated it . But he doesn 't know it was me who let the rats loose in his store the night before the health inspection . He doesn 't know it was me who sent the anonymous , insulting letter to the chairman of the Capersicun Chamber of Commerce , but with strong clues hidden inside the message meant to indicate that Manny was its author . And he doesn 't know it was me who paid kids to hang flyers all over town decrying the Satanic influence of several of the games he sold at his store resulting in a public outcry from many of Capersicun 's parents which resulted in several of the most righteously militant fathers smashing through the front window of his store and destroying much of his stock with golf clubs while the cops looked on doing nothing . " " I helped him , " said Parker . " I saved him , Tia , or what little of him remained . He lost the store , he ran out of money , he got evicted , the Capersicun Chamber of Commerce officially declared him permanently unfit for membership , and I was the only person he had to turn to . I gave him a place to stay . But most importantly , I got him out of Capersicun and away from those evil people in the chamber of commerce . People like you would have me support my brother in his dream . You would have me ' be there for him ' by ' just listening ' or offering a ' shoulder to cry on , ' but I refuse to be that kind of brother . Manny 's dream ruined him , his dream sucked the life out of him and drove away everyone who cared about him except for me . And your mom , but that 's only because she was too wrapped up in her own problems to even notice that her little brother had fallen apart . You think I 'm a monster , but I 'm the only one who acted , I 'm the only one who cared enough to not support my brother . " Parker clapped one hand over his eyes and took several deep breaths . When he took his hand away , Tia expected to see tears , but there were none . " He 's trying to figure out how to join the Capersicun Chamber of Commerce . He doesn 't want me to know , but I 've gone through his things on the few occasions when I 've been home while he 's not . I have a key to his room that he doesn 't know about . He has lists of names , newspaper clippings , legal documents , a detailed , heart - breaking log of everything they made him do . I don 't know what most of it means , but I know what it adds up to . He 's still trying . He still thinks there 's a chance he can beat the system and join , somehow . " " Tragic . " And with that , Parker leaned forward , clicked " play " on his laptop , and there on the TV screen was Arnie sitting behind his desk in his garage . The piece of paper in his hand was sea - green today . His shirt was different today too . The part in his hair looked a little straighter . As Arnie began his opening remarks about the generally tragic state of everything , Tia saw Parker look at her out of the corner of his eye , but she wasn 't going anywhere . She was going to stay right there and watch the whole show , she was going to listen to every single tragedy , and she was going to feel just as terrible as Uncle Parker , if not more so . Parker pressed " pause " on his laptop and looked at Tia . " Have your phone on you ? Just stay here on the couch and be ready to dial 911 , OK ? I 'll answer the door . " Tia nodded . She was scared for her uncle , but she didn 't want to be close enough to Bradley for him to touch her so it was easier than she would have liked to admit to just let Parker make the rules . She watched as Parker walked to the door and opened it . Then she saw his face relax and he turned to Tia and said , " Tia , it 's your mom . " Relief flooded through Tia 's body and she hurried around the couch to the front door where her mother stood on the front porch smiling and squinting under the porch light , which really was too bright . Tia was surprised to see her mom wearing new black jeans , high heels , and a purple blouse Tia had gotten her for her birthday two years ago and only seen her wear twice . She wore makeup too . Rosanna looked sheepish for a moment , but sheepish quickly gave way to defiant . " I made a choice , Tia . I don 't have to explain everything to you . " " There never was a restraining order , " said Tia . " You always planned to take him back , even if you didn 't know it . Maybe it was , like , subconscious , I don 't know . Sending me here was just to get me out of the way so I wouldn 't be able to talk you out of it . " " That 's not true , " said Rosanna . " Why would I ignore all his calls if I wanted him back ? But when you told me he 'd come here , I had to call him to tell him to leave you out of it , but when I did , we ended up talking and he explained and now I realize he just needs us that much , Tia , and he needs us to support him now while he 's getting back on his feet , he needs us now more than ever . " " You have to come home , " said Rosanna . " You can 't impose on your uncles anymore . " She craned her head around Tia to look at Parker and said , " Thank you for letting her stay , Parker . That was very hospitable of you . " Tia didn 't acknowledge Bradley , although she saw him coming closer out of the corner of her eye . " Leave , " she said to her mom . " I 'm staying here . " " All right , " said Bradley . " I 'll get the bag . " He took a step forward into the room and now Tia did step backward , staying between Bradley and her bag . " I will carry you out to the car if I have to , " said Bradley . " You mom wants you home , she wants all of us together and I will drag you all the way there if I have to . I will - " His face froze , his eyes fixed on something behind Tia , and Tia heard a click . " You too , Rosanna , " said Parker , keeping the gun trained on Bradley . " Get out of my house . If Tia wants to stay here , she can . She can live here if she wants . But you two have to go now . " Rosanna started to cry . " Why can 't you just support me in this , Tia ? I thought you were going to be there for me . You said you would . I told you how much it means to me . " Tia ignored her . She looked up at Bradley , who still seemed to be considering making some kind of move . " He will shoot , " said Tia . " He 'll do anything . " Something in her voice , something in her face , something on Parker 's face , something got through to Bradley because he turned and walked out of the house , and after one more pathetic , pleading look for her daughter , Rosanna turned and followed him . The next morning , while Parker was at work and Manny was in his room , Tia left the house and walked to the house next door , one house to the west . It was small and beige - colored with an attached garage . Tia knocked on the front door and after a full minute , the door opened and there was Arnie . He didn 't look like he had in either of the shows Tia had seen , but it was definitely him . He wore a backward baseball cap , baggy black sweatpants , and a faded yellow t - shirt . " No , it 's OK , " said Arnie . " I said ' most , ' not ' all . ' Just letting you know calling 's an option . Do you want to come in ? " Arnie 's living room surprised Tia . It was decorated with a lot of native American paraphernalia and there was a fireplace that had been converted into a little , glass display case filled with trinkets and mundane objects . In front of each trinket or object was a small white card with a name and a date on it . Arnie saw Tia looking at the case and said , " Those are connected to tragedies . The owners can 't bear to keep them around but they also can 't bear to throw them out . Have a seat . " Tia sat down on the couch and Arnie sat down across from her on a chair that looked as if it belonged in a kitchen . " You don 't know where to begin , " said Arnie . " Right ? " " I don 't want it to be anonymous , " said Tia . " I don 't care if you use our real names . I mean , I want you to use our real names . " When Tia got back to her uncles ' house , Manny 's car , which was always parked at the front curb , was gone . Since Tia didn 't have a house key , she was worried that she might be locked out , but when she walked up the porch steps to the front door , she found a key affixed to the door with white masking tape . Her name was written on the tape in all - lowercase letters . Tia let herself into the house and walked straight to Manny 's room . The door was standing open . The room was a mess , but Tia didn 't know how it compared to its usual state . Still , even having never seen it before , Tia could feel that the room had been abandoned . There was something in the way the clothes and books and papers and bedding had fallen that indicated that it had been not merely dropped , but also rejected and forgotten . Tia went to the kitchen and found a note affixed to the refrigerator with a magnet . In the same all - lowercase letters from the tape on the front door , the note read simply , I found a loophole . I 'm not coming back . Tia took out her phone and called her uncle Manny . She didn 't expect him to pick up and he didn 't . The call went through to his voicemail . " Uncle Manny , " said Tia , not knowing if he would ever listen to her message . " I know what you 're doing . I know you think you found a way into the Capersicun Chamber of Commerce . I know that 's where you 're headed now . Uncle Parker says this is what ruined you . You practically said the same thing yourself . So , I don 't know , this is probably a really stupid thing for you to do . Like , the wrong thing to do . And I don 't know what Uncle Parker will do when he finds out . But I just want you to know that I support you . And I don 't care if that means anything to you or not . Good luck , Uncle Manny . " She wanted to end the message by yelling " Wardrobe ! " as sort of a cute reference that might make Manny smile sadly and wistfully , but she knew it probably wouldn 't make him smile at all , not even wryly or reluctantly . So she just hung up . How do restraining orders work ? Here 's a secret : I make my characters as ignorant ( or more ignorant ) than I am so I don 't have to research anything . Invent a means of measuring the value of emotional support and then state the value of emotional support using the means of measuring emotional support that you just invented . You may work with a partner but only if that partner is of the opposite sex . Have you ever supported someone in an aspiration that you knew was foolish , or dangerous , or based on a delusion ? And did that person then go on to succeed beyond even their own wild expectations ? Because if so , that experience may have sort of skewed your view on situations like that .

Today , Ed got the little Beta motorbike out for a laugh . It is in need of some TLC , but he managed a ride around the garden a few times . I had a go too , but have to admit to falling off , when trying to ride up the bank . Very pathetic . ( and very dirty bum ! ) He needs to get a new throttle cable for it , before we can ride it properly , but it will certainly be a good toy when it is working . ( And we don 't have to pay silly money to insure it for the road ! ) This year , we got the dogs some Christmas presents too ! We went to the pet / vet shop , and got them a nice big rope toy as well as some new tennis and rubber balls . To our amusement , the shop owner gave us a free gift , which , when we opened it , was a selection of toys for dogs ! One of the toys was instantly destroyed , but the small rope has been fought over regularly ! Well , since John ( my brother ) is now living in Spain , he invited himself over for Christmas Dinner . He came up on Christmas Eve , and stayed until Boxing Day , which was really nice . He only has a motorbike here at the moment , so had a pretty chilly ride , but going back again was much warmer than the forecast had predicted . We had a nice quiet time . On Christmas day , we went to the pub for about 2 hours and met up with several of the neighbours ( both Spanish and English ) , then we had a nice turkey dinner . ( No sprouts though , as I couldn 't find any this year ! ) On Boxing Day , I discovered the red cabbage that had been missed , and then the day after , Ed and I remembered the Yule Log in the freezer ! ( Why is there always something left over at Christmas time ? ) Max has not been well for a while . Just before Ed went to England , he was definately under the weather . He was very lathargic and wouldn 't open his mouth properly . I took him to the vet , but she wasn 't sure what was wrong . It was a different vet to the usual one , and I had to speak Spanish , but she decided that he had an infection , and gave him a course of tablets for 2 weeks . After the first week , he was much better , playing and picking up the ball again . Sadly , after Ed had been back just a day or so , he went downhill again . Unfortunately , this was over Christmas , when the vets wasn 't open . Thankfully , I had some antibiotics that I could give him , to tide him over . Yesterday , just before we took him to the vets , his eye really swelled up , and he looked a terrible state . She took one look at him and realised that it was an abscess . She gave him 2 injections , and also gave us 6 prepared needles , for us to inject 2 each day . We have to go back again on Friday , but after just 1 day with the right medication inside him , he is already lots better . Poor Ed has had to go back to England for 2 weeks , to help sort his Mum 's house out . The council wanted to fit a new boiler and fire , but were unable to do the work , as the workmen were unable to get to the parts of the house they needed . After a chat with the doctor , he went to the house , and managed to persuade her that a lot of stuff needed to be cleared out . Funny how one sentence from a person of ' authority ' can overcome years of pleading . She agreed to the clearout , and now has a wonderful warm house , with a beautiful new living room - as Ed also managed to repaint for her , while he was there . Our next door neighbours baby has just turned one year old . We popped around with a present , and were asked to go back again at 6pm , in time for the party tea . 6pm ? , I checked , well , 5pm then . ok , 5pm ? , well make it 4 : 30 . No wonder we never know what 's going on ! At 4 : 30 , we went back , and there was a lovely assortment of treats on the table , and a birthday cake , with a photo of Alicia on the top . We had a lovely afternoon , speaking a mixture of Spanish , English and a little Italian . We met some new people and were even invited to their New Year party , if we had no where else to go ( but Ed doesn 't want to dress up as Madonna - so we are going elsewhere ! ! ! ) Oh Dear . It turns out that the broken arm was even worse than we thought ! At the airport , he complained about a pain in his other arm , and a full inspection on his return to the UK showed that that too was broken . Not the best way to spend December , 2 arms in plaster . Last weekend was the bull running at Ontinyent again . I can 't believe that it is already a year since we went there ! We went of the Saturday , but it was very cold . There was a bitter wind , and we had made the mistake of not having had any lunch . This meant , that in a short time , we were both very cold , in spite of lots of layers . We watched the first bull , and even filmed someone being trodden on by the bull , but during the second one , I had had enough . I asked Ed if we could leave , " through there ? " he asked , indicating where the bull and several hundred people had just gone ! " Yes " I said , so we joined the throng ! Part way down the road , we encountered the bull , and the runners . The atmosphere was much more tense than in the main square , as there are less places to hide from the bull . At one point , we were crushed against a wall by the crowd , even though the bull was on the other side of the street . Finally we got by , but we still stayed , to watch the bull go back over the bridge . It was very exciting , much better than earlier . On the Sunday ( after lunch ) we went again , with some people from Ontinyent , that hadn 't been before . Again we stayed in the main square , but there were a lot more people , so the ' buzz ' was much better . We saw some people from l ' Olleria too . A couple of our neighbours had a bit of a bet on ; who could hit the bull the most times ! When we saw one of them in the bar , he had hit it once , and said that he had cow sh * t on his right hand ! Ed joked that he needed sn * t on the other one , but he said ' no ' he didn 't want to get that close ! … however , a little later , we learned that he had been hit by the bull , his t - shirt was all torn , and he had broken his arm in several places … he was now on the way to hospital in the ambulance . . . his parting cry … " I presume this means I 've won the bet ? " Needless to say , everyone agreed ! The next day , we discovered that his arm needed pinning , but as he was flying back on the Tuesday , it had been left for the hospital in England toBrigitte and Eddie Bramley The strap on Ed 's bumbag broke . He had a go at fixing it himself , but that didn 't last too long ! It was time to find someone who could fix it properly . Then I was told that there was a cobbler near the police station , t hat would mend it . Fine . But where was it ? ! Ed had a really good look one day , wandering around all of the streets , then we both did together . No sign of a cobbler . We rang a few people , but either they didn 't know , or they weren 't in ! Finally , in desperation , I asked a lady in the tobacconists where the shop was , that would mend a bag ( I didn 't know the Spanish word for cobbler ) . She came out of the shop , and pointed down the street , naming a shop half way down . Excellent - it must be hidden in the back of the shop - which certainly had an odd collection of things in the window ! In we went , and asked if the man would mend the bag . His expression said it all ! We were obviously in the wrong place ! Thankfully , he understood , and pointed us in the right direction . Opposite his shop , was another street , and the place we needed was half way up there . ( at least , that was what I understood ! ) We bimbled up , but this appeared to be residences only . Then suddenly , peering through a house window , I spotted shoes and polish ! This was it . As we reached for the door , I noticed the previous shop keeper watching us , and waved to him as we went in ! Inside the house , we discovered that the first room at the front of the house was the cobblers . Inside , sat a little man , mending a coat . I asked if he could mend the bag , and he said yes - come back in 1 hour . If he had told me his name was Rumplestitlskin I would have believed him ! Ed thought that when he said ' 1 hour ' that was all he had left to live ! An hour later , we returned , and his wife let us in . He was on the toilet ! She asked us to indicate what we wanted . Sadly , there was nothing interesting worth taking ! We pointed out the correct bag , but she had no idea how much to charge . She had to go and ask him , through the bathroom door ! 2 € later , Brigitte and Eddie Bramley Well , I 'm glad to say that finally my Mum and Dad have been able to find a few days in their international jet - setting lifestyle to come and visit us . They arrived at Alicante on a Sunday morning , so off I went to meet them . No problem ! Except that I couldn 't find them ! Apparently , they were waiting outside in the sunshine , but I drove past the entrance twice ! Finally , I parked and wondered around looking for them . It turned out , that they were at another terminal that I didn 't know about ! Never mind - we were still back in time for dinner ! On the Monday , we had a leisurely stroll around l ' Olleria . There were quite surprised at how big it was . Although only a small town , it certainly has everything that you could need . On Tuesday , we took a ride to Gandia . The sea was lovely , the harbour peaceful , the beaches empty - but nearly all of the shops were shut . Just like Skegness in winter - but nicer ! Sadly , that was the end of the nice weather . On Wednesday , it was miserable . We decided to go to Xativa , for a stroll around . We drove right up to the castle , and walked in , just far enough not to have to pay ! While we were there , the sun tried to come out , presenting us with a big rainbow over the old town . Beautiful . Then we had a stroll around the old town . A man saw us studying a building , and asked , " English ? " Yes , we replied . Then he asked , " Italiano ? " , No , " Sprechen Sie Deutch ? " , Ja , and then he went on to tell us all about the monastery - in Spanish ! Very funny ! After a wonderful Hot - Chocolate break , Ed had the wonderful idea of driving to Cocentaina to see the beautiful costumes that the Moors and Christians wear at the parades . We drove into the most horrendous weather , and when we got there , we couldn 't find the shop ! It turned out , that it was closed - as they had taken the costumes to Xativa ( where we had just been ) for an exhibition ! Sadly , on the Thursday , it was time for them to depart again . This time , I drove them up to near Taragona , where they were staying with friends foBrigitte and Eddie Bramley Today , when I was still asleep , Ed came and told me that it was snowing ! I thought he was doing his usual ' tall tales ' , but no . . . we had big fat flakes everywhere . ( I might use this in my Christas Cards ! ) Today it is only 3 . 3 degrees , yet on Monday , it was 20 degrees ! Still , we have a lovely warm fire to keep us cosy . We have a beautiful ' wild strawberry ' bush . It is known for having the fruit and flowers on display at the same time . Just now , it is looking really wonderful , and even the bees are having a feast . Posted by It is very pretty everywhere at the moment . Although we are mainly surrounded by pine trees , we also have a lot of other trees in the area , with all of the fruit orchards around . As I look out of my window , I can see various greens , yellows and reds . Our silver birch has already shed it 's leaves , giving a beautiful silhouette against the blue sky . Posted by Well , the economic crisis is certainly world - wide and we are not immune to it here . When the August holidays started , a lot of businesses closed for good , leaving many people unemployed . The industrial estate at the bottom of town is probably only 50 % occupied now , even though they are still expanding the roadway around it ! In one area near here , there used to be some 200 English families , but now there are only a handful . Many of them have returned back to England in the hope of finding work . Sadly , this applies here in l ' Olleria too . Maz and Wood , good friends of ours have gone back to the UK . Maz has been offered a full time job , so they have packed up their kit bags and returned to Blighty . I wish them all the very best - they will be sadly missed . Today I have been to see Gordon and Lyndsey 's olives being turned into oil . We travelled to Navares , to a tiny ' factory ' in the middle of the town , not much bigger than a double garage ! The olives and their baskets were weighed and then the olives tipped into a hopper . ( The weight of the empty baskets was then deducted - and they had collected 399 . 9 kg - Oh for a handful more ! ) The olives went up a conveyor belt , and were fed into a stone table , with 3 conical wheels / grindstones rotating over them . Everything was crushed together ; skins , fruit , stones , until it was a fine pulp . The pulp was pushed down a channel , into a cast iron vessel . Once the pulping was completed , the resulting ' porridge ' was made ready for the press . To do this , the pulp was layered in special baskets , a bit like up - turned berets . I lost count , but Gordon mentioned 40 at one point . Once they were all stacked up , the previous stack was removed , and theirs put into place , in the press . This was a lovely old cast iron press , with a hydraulic ram . In fact , the very weight of the pulp on it 's own resulted in liquid being released before it even went into the press . ( Although this was a mixture of oil and water - not just oil . ) We were advised that it would take about 3 hours to process , so off we went for lunch … When we returned , the lady was in the process of pouring the oil into the containers , ready to be taken home . They collected about 65 litres of oil , from this first ' Extra Virgin ' press . The oil is cloudy to start with , but can be used straight away . If left for a few weeks , it starts to clear , and can then be filtered if necessary . It was wonderful to see such a small ' cottage industry ' in full flow . People coming and going , bringing olives and taking oil . There are 3 options ; a ) take olives and get paid for them , b ) take olives for pressing , pay for pressing and keep all of the oil , c ) take olives and swap for oil ( But you get less oil than in option b . ) Posted by Well , after a few phone calls , we have finally found someone who supplies logs for fires , at a sensible price . We had a 2 , 250 kilo load delivered ! Yes - that is over 2 tons . The guy simply tipped it out onto our drive . We then had to stack it all . . . Well , one thing that I didn 't post on here earlier ( for obvious reasons ) was the loss of my purse ! When we travelled back from Germany ( early September ) we had to go through a host of toll booths and I kept my purse handy , in order to pay them . Ed was driving . Once we passed the final one ( just north of Valencia ) , Ed had had enough , so we swapped drivers . Unfortunately , the junction where we turned off ( to swap ) turned out to be a filter road , not a simple roundabout . We ended up driving into another town , but managed to work our way back to the motorway and then swapped drivers on the hard shoulder of the slip road . Not a real problem , as it was about 3am and there was no traffic . The next day , I discovered that my purse was lost . I looked everywhere , but couldn 't find it . We finally deduced that I must have dropped it when I jumped out of the car on the motorway . Sadly , it is normally a very busy area , so it would have been very unsafe to try and go back to find it . I cancelled my bank cards and got a new driving license . ( But spent a few weeks very worried , as it is an offence to drive without one here . ) This Saturday , Ed was looking for something in his bum - bag ( which he carries most of the time ) and he found my purse ! ! I must have put it in there in the dark , instead of in my own handbag ! What a relief - at least now I know that no - one has found it and tried to use any details ! Posted by Last night , ( 4th Nov ) I suddenly woke up in the early hours , with a strange vibrating feeling running right through me ! Ed was sound asleep , snoring very gently , so it was nothing to do with him ! I quickly realised that it must have been an earthquake , but obviously only a small one . As I lay there , about 20 minutes later , there was another one - the aftershock . Checking on the Spanish news I have discovered that we had a quake measuring 2 . 2 on the Richter scale . ( Not even classed as ' medium ' level ) We were the only town that was affected , but needless to say - there was no damage reported ! Posted by The 1st November is All Saint 's Day ( bank holiday ) and in the village of Cocentaina , they have celebrated with a fayre , for over 600 years . We have been to this twice already , and went again this year . The whole of the ' old town ' is full of stalls dressed up in typically medieval style and the stall holders are dressed up too . I have no idea how many streets have stalls in them , but we spent over 4 hours wondering around . At the top of town , in the more modern part , is the obligatory Fun Fair , but everything you could imagine is on sale ! At the entrance to the town , are some lovely old wooden children 's rides , horses , geese , goats , birds of prey , all very symbolic of an ancient market . ( Just like in the movies - but it smells ok ! ) There is a food section , with wonderful home made breads , huge vats of pickled vegetables , terracotta pots of olives , salted fish , jamones ( legs of air dried ham ) hundreds of cheeses , just for starters . Then , you could buys loads of different cakes , ( yummy ) chocolates , dates , figs , pastries et al . If you took a sample from each stall , you wouldn 't need to buy any tea ! There is a separate eating section , with stalls selling things such as baked potatoes , barbequed sausages and chops , pizzas , crepes , drinks - all sorts and here you can sit down and rest your feet , while filling your tummy ( if you have room ) ! There are streets of hand craft stalls . Everything from scented candles , herbal teas for every ailment , carved stones , jewellery , hand made toys , clothes … There are also streets of modern things , such as handbags , commercial clothes , even windows , swimming pools , cars , motorbikes , tractor attachments and goodness know what else ! ( Can you think of anything more ? ) We had a lovely evening . We ate ribs , sausages , crepes , hand made chocolates , and then on the way back , we got a beautiful hand - woven rug for the living room floor . Poor Ed had to carry it all the way back to the car - his hands were numb from the handles . There was no way you could get the car any nearer , asPosted by In August we went up to Valencia ( Ricardo Tormo Circuit ) to collect 4 tickets for the Moto GP in October . When we got there , most of the seats we wanted had already been sold . We couldn 't get 4 together . We paid a little more than we wanted , and got 4 in the Yellow stand , which is really good , and has two TV screens . Two of the tickets were for us , the other 2 for Rose and Shamus . Sadly , Rose has taken ill , and the doctor advised her not to travel . We asked a few people if they wanted the tickets , but they either couldn 't afford them , or were busy . On the Friday , we went to the circuit quite early , and simply stood outside the ticket office , and offered our tickets to passers by ! The first couple thought they were fake , but after a little persuasion they believed us , but they didn 't have enough cash ( they were paying by card ) . One chappie completely ignored us ( his loss ) and one chap was having his card swiped as we asked . Then we got lucky . An Australian chap was meant to collect some pit - lane passes , but they had not appeared . He bought both tickets for himself and girlfriend and was very pleased . A little later , they joined us on the stands , and were thrilled to see what good seats that had got , for ' face value ' . We had no interest in making money , simply in breaking even . It was raining much of Friday , so we were all sat together , huddled under waterproofs and umbrella 's watching the practice . Saturday , Ed 's back was very bad , so we didn 't go , but on Sunday , we left home at about 7am , and went on the bike . Typical Spanish , no one goes anywhere early , so we were parked right near the front of the bike park . Later , I noticed that there were 4 huge car parks full of bikes , and then the cars . The weather was very kind to us . A cold start soon warmed up , and I even ended up with sunburned arms and face . ( You could see where my sunglasses had been ! ) The racing was not very close , but we were so close to the track , that we still enjoyed it . We took our time leaving ( as usual ) and had no holdups at alPosted by We have had a windy few days , and last night / this morning , Ed heard some tiles moving around . He went up on the roof to check , and we replaced about 6 tiles . Thankfully we still had a few left over , from when Ed built the pump house . North of Valencia , they have had heavy snow ( for Spain ! ) in the mountains , but at least the forecast for next week is dry again . . . The weather is now starting to turn cold . ( ish ) We have had the fire lit for the last 2 days , although today it has managed to get up to 19 degrees for about an hour . Overnight , it is now down to nearer 12 . It is not very warm in the house without the fire lit , but at least when I am working , I have a lovely device for keeping my feet warm … Posted by John found a couple of preying mantis ' while he was here . September / October seems to be the time for them . The first two he found were about 2 inches long , just big enough to catch and look at closely … then … when pruning the olive tree , John spotted a ' proper ' preying mantis . This little beastie was huge as you can see from the photo . He wasn 't very happy about us cutting his tree but didn 't fly away . We were very careful not to cut him in half , so hopefully he went on to do whatever they do in peace ! John was getting bored , so he took the opportunity to cut our almond and olive trees for us . The almonds were about 30 feet high , so it was impossible to get any crop from them . Once he had finished , they were nearer 6ft . The old neighbour next door tried to tell us how to cut them , but he only spoke Valenciano so we couldn 't really understand him . Still , he was very happy to see that we were having a go , even if they didn 't look very aesthetic once it was done ! The Olive tree got a good haircut too ! John took it back to the bare minimum , which it really needed . There was lots of fresh growth on it , so hopefully , next year , there will be lots of olives too . After all of the heavy rain , the reservoirs in the area had to empty water out , to prevent any adverse affects in the case of overflows . On the way back from Gandia , we went via Bellus and stopped to look at the dam . We weren 't the only ones , but the day before had been even more impressive . The lake itself was still very full , but , much to John 's amusement , if you looked carefully , you could still see a telephone pylon upright in the middle of the water ! John came over for his 50th birthday and we had a lovely 2 weeks . The day before his birthday , he and I went to Gandia for a few hours . It was a nice ride over and as it was now October , all of the beaches were virtually empty . We walked around the harbour , and along the beach front . We didn 't bother to paddle , as it was a little cold ( T - shirt weather ! ) but there were still several people on the beach . We had some terrible rain again this month . In fact , it rained every day in the Valencia Region during October , except the first 3 days . Here in l ' Olleria we had a terrible downpour on Thursday 9th . We were fine , as we are so high above the village , but further down , the gully and riverbeds were awash . A lady ( originally from Brighton ) went into town to pick up her 14 year old twin girls and their friend . On the way home , they realised that they couldn 't get their car across a swollen river which was normally a dry riverbed . Tragically , they decided to cross by foot , all linking arms . One of the twins slipped and they all fell into the turbulent water . The friend and one twin managed to get to the side , but the second twin and the mother were both drowned . Their bodies were found 1 mile downstream in the early hours . A service was held here , ( which Ed went to ) and then they were repatriated back to England for a proper funeral . Such a tragic loss , in a momentary decision . We are very happy with the location of our house . Although we are not at the very top of the mountain , we are high enough up not to be adversely affected by the rain as it flows down the ravines around us . There are only a few houses higher than us , so the rain is able to run its natural course before turning into a torrent . During the recent storms , the wind was so strong , it even blew the rain into our garage under the door . It will take ages to dry out , but obviously that is nothing compared to those who have been flooded out and the families affected by lives lost . Well , at last the dogs seem to have realised what a ball is for ! We have spent ages throwing balls for them , only for us to have to fetch them ourselves ! Not quite the right idea . Finally they have figured out that when we throw the ball and then run after it and bring it back , it turns in to a game . Hooray ! Paddy tends to fetch the ball back most of the time , but Max certainly has a few goes too . However , when it gets back to us , Paddy just spits it back out somewhere nearby . Max , on the other hand , won 't give it up ! The best thing to do , is catch him ( if you can ) and then take the ball out of his mouth . If he has already dropped it by his feet , he will bite you as you try to pick it up ! Great fun , and a quick way to give them exercise , without the usual 3 mile trek around the mountain ! The bad point is … if the balls are in their mouths long enough , they will get crushed , so they don 't bounce any more ! The dogs love popping them , but won 't chase them if they don 't bounce properly ! I have now discovered that once they show signs of being bored , I simply remove the ball and put it on the wrong side of the patio railings , where they can see it , but not get it ! ( Cue another game , where they try to knock it off with their paws - but can 't ! ) At last . . . we went for a walk to the top of the second highest hill today . We tried yesterday too , but couldn 't fight our way through the undergrowth . Afterwards , we discovered that we could have walked around it ! Still , today , we got to the top , and I have finally managed to get some photo 's that include out house on them . I have taken a video too , but please excuse the sound of Ed sneezing ~ I think all that wild sage and thyme got to him ! ! Posted by We went out to El Campello and Relleu again , with Ian and Deb and Tracey and Dale . We had a coffee at the seaside which was nice and then headed out to the wonderful restaurant for lunch . The roads are lovely around this area , ( find La Carrasqueta on a map and go south ! ) and the scenery is amazing . However , when we go to the restaurant , although the door was open , there were no customers and no sign outside . It was open , but there were some new faces behind the bar . It turned out , that the lady running it last time we went , was actually only managing it , and ' managed it ' € 50 , 000 into debt . Along with a similar amount at another bar as well as some local businesses , she had run up debts of over € 100k , all in the name of this business , so destroying the life savings of the real business owner , and necessitating her returning to work . We hear of this happening so often over here . It is as though corruption and deceit are acceptable by products of living in Spain . Thank goodness Ed is the only one who will drive the machine , so we don 't need to rely on anyone else for their ' skills ' . As we left the restaurant ( having had a lovely meal - the same chef was still there ) I suddenly got this stupid idea . I saw some unripe ( green ) lemons on the roadside . I picked one up , with the intention of throwing it a Deb ~ I would call out to her , knowing she wouldn 't catch it , and frighten her . However , as I threw it , I realised that I had thrown it too high , and it was about to hit her on her helmet , but I was too shocked to shout out . As I looked at her , she was looking at the floor , then in the sky , trying to work out where the lemon had suddenly dropped from . She and Tracey were looking at the trees ( olives ) and the birds , trying to figure it out ~ then they saw me doubled up with laughter and knew what had happened . I have no idea where the silly streak came from ( Mother ) , but I did have the decency to apologise afterwards . ( Even though I kept laughing . ) We have had some sad occasions this month , but the only one we could help out with , was Monica , next door . One of her dogs died and she called me in a terrible state , asking for help . She was not yet home , but I asked her to beep the car horn , and we would go straight around . As it happened , her little sister got there first , so we called in anyway . The poor girl was crying , and trying to dig a grave in soil that was too hard to put a spade into . I gave her a hug and Ed offered to get the machine , to dig the hole . We managed to get most things sorted out , just as Monica got home . They had to wait for ' big ' sister , who was travelling down from Girona ( 7 hour trip each way ) to bury the dog . It turned out that this dog was bought by their mum ( deceased ) and so was their last link with her . They were all crying but all I could do was hug them . We helped bury the dog , then left them . The oldest sister had to travel back to Girona . It was all very traumatic . Sadly it was only one month before the dogs 15th birthday . Monica was very grateful for our help , but really , all we had done , was give some comfort . ( Although Ed did say later , it would have taken hours to dig the hole by hand . ) This week , Monica came around with a present for us ( es nada - it 's nothing ) to thank us for our help . There was a huge parcel wrapped up in pretty paper . It turned out to be 2 bath towels and a lovely velour blanket . Ed was stunned . We only did what we both felt was right , to help a neighbour in need . Posted by Well , it 's September again , and here comes the rain again . We have been lucky here , but many of the other valley 's around us have been hit by terrible flooding again , just as they were last year . We were out last Sunday on the bikes , and as we neared home , we could see black clouds above our mountain . As it happened , we stopped on the way home , and only encountered a few drops . Later in the week , we discovered that it had rained all day . To the north of us , ( about 20 miles north ) one of the coastal towns was so badly affected , that they have been declared a ' catastrophic zone ' . To the south ( Alicante area ) they had terrible floods too . We simply spent a few days in the house , managing to get in to town between the storms . We even lit the fire 2 days in a row , but I have already cleaned it back out again ! Today we have had glorious sunshine , and took the dogs right up to the very top of one of the nearby hills . Ah , bless , 23 today . Have a great day . Since I am still only 25 , you do realise that I must have adopted you when I was 2 years old . I 'm not quite sure how it will work out in a few more years , when you are older than me . Have a lovely day , Mum xx Posted by Had a lovely few day in Germany , to celebrate my Grandma 's 90th birthday . On her birthday , a champagne breakfast was held in her honour , and then , on the Saturday , there was a party for some 65 people . Tim and Jess went too , along with John and Jess 's boyfriend Tim . It was lovely to all be together again , even though it was in another country ! One relative had been to the small town she originated from , in the Ukraine and met up with a lady that knew some ' Sonnenberg 's ' many years ago . When she discovered that this visitor was from the same family , she cried . There was a lovely slide show and small movie depicting things from her life , which was wonderful . She was also taken on a trip around the village in a horsedrawn carriage We missed many of the town festivals , as we were away in Germany at the beginning of September . However , on our return , we discovered that one of the biggest had been rained off . We then got the opportunity to witness the re - scheduled " Storming of the Castle " . In essence , this area of Spain , ( and further south ) has very strong historic links to the Moors ( North Africans ) . There were many battles throughout the regions some 6 or 7 centuries ago , and these are still re - enacted every year . The annual Moors and Christians celebrations are the main event in most towns . Many parades take place , leading up to the main Parade of the Moors and Christians ( which we missed ) which takes up to 5 hours to pass through the high street . The costumes are incredible . Many troupes prefer to be Moors , as their costumes are more colourful , even though it was the Christians that won in the end . And some point , there is the re - enactment of the Storming of the Castle . The Moors are in the castle and a horseman from the Christians delivers a message , calling on them to surrender . The king of the moors symbolically rips up the message , and the rider returns . The army of Christians gathers , and then the king of the Christians calls on the Moors to concede . This is actually a recognised speech , to which the Moors occasionally respond . Although I couldn 't follow much of it , it quickly became apparent that it was in verse . Very impressive . Toward the end of the speech , the altercation becomes louder and more aggressive , and then battle commences . It was all very theatrical , and wonderful to watch . The armies let loose with blunderbusses , and the square was soon filled with smoke and the smell of gunpowder . The buildings shook with each explosion , and my ears were ringing . ( At one point , some spilled powder caught fire on the road , but there was a man there with a hosepipe , who put the fire out , and washed the spillage away . And so it came to pass , our first anniversary of our new life in the sun . It still seems quite incredible . I 'm still in the honeymoon phase , where I 'm not quite sure if I am on holiday , or actually if this really is my life . Most days , the sun is shining , or it is at least warm . When it rains , it absolutely tips down , but we certainly don 't have the incessant drizzle that tends to hang on for days on end in England . Every day , is a pleasure to behold . I have a palm tree outside my bedroom window , and a valley sweeping away below . The nearest neighbours are only in situ for 2 months of the year , and they are really lovely . The peace and serenity are truly blissful . When we had birds nesting , we were able to simply spend an entire morning watching the fledglings learn to fly . We often just sit , and watch the dogs playing . We have time for each other , as well as time for new friends . When Ed does work , no one expects everything to be finished in a day . They are used to the Spanish taking forever to do a job - so are really happy with him . Everyone that has employed him , has called him back again , when the next job is ready to be done . We have done a huge amount of work to the house and garden , although there is still much to do . As I type , Ed is finishing off a gable on the pump house for the pool filtration system . It will be a while before the pool area is finished , but the structural work has been done . It all looks lovely , even though it is actually a mess still ! Work has proven to be difficult for Ed to find . Much as the Spanish are constantly building , the same recession to hit the UK has hit here too . Building work has slowed down considerably , and no one has spare cash for projects . That said , it would have been the same in the UK , so there is every chance that he may have had no work there too - at least here we don 't have a mortgage to worry about . We only have power bills and council tax - these are a fraction of the UK levels , so not a problem . We are managing , but it is not a life of luxurBrigitte and Eddie Bramley

I have a huge void in my life . Forget that Ex and I are no longer together . Forget that I live alone . Forget that I flunked out of dental school - twice . Forget that my family lives far , far away . So what , then is the void ? My stupid therapist convinced me to turn in my hoard of pills . I hate her . I wanted them there " just in case , " but she said I cannot have a life worth living if suicide is always an option . The door is always there and I was standing on the doorstep wanting to walk through . Not that there aren 't a million other ways to kill yourself , but it was the symbolism of it . I have the worst headache , my back hurts , my wrist hurts where I broke it three years ago , my stomach hurts , and I feel like throwing up . I am not happy . To say the least . I hate my therapist right now . So much . Posted by I was talking to a friend of mine about life with Ex , and the rapist that was running rampant in my neighborhood came up in conversation . I told her that Ex was working out of town and the rapist had been on my back porch . This was before he had started his rampage , so the police were not that concerned . Two days later , I came home to find news vans all over my neighborhood . The rapist had come back and " chose " the lady who lived on the corner of my block . Two houses away . He probably came back to my house , saw that I had fixed the window latch , and moved on . ( The latch had been secure but was on crooked , so it looked like it was broken . I fixed it and installed a motion - sensor light . ) I called Ex and asked him to come home that weekend . He hadn 't been home the past two weekends . I told him that " it would be nice to have a man around the house . " Oops . Ex proceeded to yell at me for two hours . I still don 't know why he was offended by my words . It was a compliment if nothing else . I called him a man . I said I would feel safer if he was with me . How is that bad ? I did not go into detail with my friend today , but I did tell her about Ex yelling for two hours . She said , " He sounds lovely . How could you let him get away ? " Undeniably true . What a prize . My week has not been a good one . It started out with the therapy session described in " S is for Skin " and went downhill from there . School started on Monday , and in my first class , we were told to interview a person the teacher selected , and then write an introduction of that person , based on a fake and secret bias that the teacher handed everyone . On Wednesday , the guy who interviewed me volunteered to read his introduction about me . His secret bias was , " You feel intellectually superior to the person you are interviewing . " This guy took it all the way . He made fun of my green apple sunglasses . He said it was hard to take me seriously as I " gabbed on and on about aliens . " ( Um , he asked me if I believed in aliens , and I said not really , but I was open to the idea . ) He said I had gone to dental school and it " didn 't work out . " He said I was still trying to get a degree after all of these years . Ouch . Ouch . And ouch . Could he have made me sound like a bigger loser ? Yes , he could . When asked where I would like to travel , I said Belize . When asked why , I said , " Because a dude I know has been talking about it and it sounds like a great place to visit . " That became : " She said she wants to follow a dude she knows to Belize . " Most of what he said was true . ( Although I DO have my undergraduate degree - IN CHEMISTRY , you stupid film major . ) But now , on top of horrid flashbacks from Monday 's therapy session , I have the added stress of this asshole displaying my lack of success not only to the entire class , but more importantly , to me . Is this what people think of me but are usually too nice to say ? Does everyone think ( know ) that I am the Biggest Loser ? Last night , I went out drinking with some friends . I have never gotten so drunk in my life . We went to a bar and then the casino that is a block from my house . Somehow , I ended up in the third - floor bathroom , nearly passed out , when my friend found me . They had to get a wheelchair to get me out . I couldn 't stand up . I didn 't care . I was laughing . Once they got me home and on the couch ( I convinced them not to carry me up the stairs ) , I started crying . They took good care of me . I am lucky to have such good friends . Today , I felt horrible . I threw up quite a few more times . I have a painful spot on my forehead , and my friend told me I hit my head " a few times . " I am not surprised . Today , I talked to both of the friends who brought me home , and they both were concerned but not upset . They thought it was kind of funny . It was . But not really . Today has been the first day since Monday that I have not gotten drunk . I want to drink but still feel really ill . I am left struggling un - fortified with alcohol to help numb the pain in my head . Not pain that can be eased by aspirin . Pain from years of abuse , years of neglect , years of loneliness , years of self - doubt , years of feeling lost , years of feeling useless . What can you take to get rid of that pain ? Anybody ? Posted by I had a horrible session in therapy on Monday . Sometimes I wonder how this is all related back to Ex , and then I remember that I had myself together before I met him . Sure , my childhood abuse had already happened and was in no way connected to Ex , but I had managed to suppress it deeply enough that it didn 't bother me . Then Ex came along and almost killed me , and now everything is over my head and I can 't take much more of this . Monday . My therapist had me imagine my nine - year - old self , and picture my adult self sitting beside her while she read . I did . Then she said talk to the nine - year - old about what she was reading . I did . Then she said to rub her back . Oh , hell , no . I won 't go into the details here because , well , frankly , I have never told anyone , and I don 't intend to start here . Although , what better place than an anonymous blog with a pseudonym to die for ? Still won 't . Okay . Anyway , that suggestion brought up horrible - and I do mean horrible - memories of childhood abuse . I ended up in the fetal position on my poor therapist 's floor , sobbing uncontrollably . So much fun I 'm having these days . I can 't get the ick of memories off of my skin . I have tried hot showers , cold showers , tight clothes , loose clothes , compression , avoidance , and just attempted to scrape it off with one of those gray sanding blocks . Nothing works to cleanse my skin . Nothing . If I believed God answered prayers , I would pray for a train to hit me tomorrow on my way to work . Wishful thinking . If wishes were horses , Christy would get run over by a stampede . Posted by I was making small talk with a coworker who happened to mention that she loved puppets . WHAM ! I had completely forgotten a HUGE part of my childhood . My father made a huge , elaborate puppet theater for me , along with a plethora of puppets that were made of foam , had those huge , spinning eyes , and sticks with a complicated spring - contraption that moved their mouths . I think there was some way to move their arms , too , but I don 't recollect if that is true or not . Either way , the whole thing was pretty fancy . Why did I block this out ? Was it traumatic ? Is the puppet show and all of its demands for appreciation connected to hidden traumas ? Is that memory attached to something dark and hidden for my own safety ? Or is it just something I didn 't care about , so let slip from my mind ? Now that I am thinking about it , I do know that I never liked the puppet show . There was too much pressure to love it ; there was too much pressure to embrace it as a love I owned , rather than one that was forced upon me . I put on my own show behind the theater . I pretended to love it . I had to . I 'm disturbed . I 'm torn between wanting to figure out why I blocked this from my mind and wanting to leave bad memories lying dormant . But are they even bad memories ? I don 't know . I know that I found one of the records on YouTube that we used to play , and listening to it raised my anxiety level by about a million . Of course , I will talk to my therapist about this . And hope that she thinks it isn 't important . I don 't need any more bad memories . Thanks , anyway . Q is for Queasy I usually do not go this long without writing . I try to write every two or three days , so you guys have something fresh to read . But sometimes , I get stuck on a letter . Oh , well , you may be thinking ; Q would be hard . There are not a ton of words that start with Q . That is not the reason , however . The reason is , quite simply , that I don 't want to write this one . I knew Q would be for Queasy at around the letter L . I have been dreading it since then . I feel queasy almost all the time . My stomach hurts the worst in the morning , along with my head . I almost always wake up with both a stomachache and headache . This has been the way it is for years . So long , in fact , that I didn 't even notice it until , in therapy , we started talking about my father . Then I began noticing that I was fine until I walked into my therapist 's office , and while checking in , I would start to feel nauseated . By the time I got upstairs , I would feel like throwing up . My therapist is not a nauseating person ; quite the opposite . So why this reaction ? The queasiness would get worse when we were talking about my father . Sometimes my stomach hurt so badly that I couldn 't sit up straight . The need to apply pressure was overwhelming . It was worse than the worst cramps I have ever had . ( I am not sure why I 'm writing this in past tense . It still happens every week . ) My therapist has educated me about the enteric nervous system . Apparently , humans have a ton of neurotransmitters in the stomach , and that is why troubling things are often felt in the gut . I found an interesting article in the New York Times about it , if you are interested in learning more . It was very enlightening . I think I have mentioned that I felt a cold knot of fear in my stomach every time I would drive up the hill to the house and see Ex 's truck in the driveway , or every time I was home and heard Ex pull up . I never knew what mood he would be in , and it was generally a bad one , which resulted in the fear . Now I know why it was my stomach that hurt . I have been doing a lot of thinking about my morning queasiness and have come to the conclusion that , during the day , I can control my thoughts . During the night , my subconscious mind is given full reign on my memories , and it runs gleefully through all of my past traumas . Which makes my stomach hurt . Which makes for bad mornings . Which makes me " not a morning person . " You would not be a morning person , either , if you woke up with a mind stuck in the throes of tortures past . I feel better after writing this down . It has been bothering me for a long time now . I don 't like to admit ( especially to myself ) that the first trauma I remember was when I was about two and a half years old . That isn 't fun . Result : a lifetime of feeling queasy . Posted by Up until I got married on July 19 , 2008 , I was the most positive person you had ever met . My glass was not only half - full ; my glass was overflowing . I was optimistic and ready to take on the world . God was on my side and nothing could stand in the way of me getting into dental school and using my skills to help people . I was going to help poor people . I was going to help people who were scared to go to the dentist . I was going to help put my nieces and nephews through college . I was going to support my mother . It was all going to happen . Of this , I still have no doubt . Then I met Ex and sent my life spinning down the drain . My overflowing glass is now shattered . I am no longer a positive person . I am the negative of that positive . Before July 19 , 2008 , I used to wonder what it would be like to be pessimistic . I thought it would be sad and depressing . Now I know . It is . Posted by There are quite a few things that haunt me about decisions I made before marrying Ex . Red flags I ignored . Signs that practically slapped me in the face as I sped on past . I am often troubled by these regrettable decisions I made . I often think about the conversation I had at Taco Bell with my mom . This was right after Ex had asked me to marry him . I told my mom that I was worried that Ex saw me as a meal ticket . I had not yet been accepted into dental school , but was well on my way . Ex often talked about all of the things we ( he ) could buy , once I was making a dentist 's salary . Those of you who have been reading this blog for even a little while know my mother is not the most caring . I don 't know why I was asking her for advice . I often wonder about that . My mom just ate her food and told me to pray about it . I had been praying , often . This was before I lost my faith in the power of prayer . I still believe in God , but not that He believes in me . I often wish I would have listened to my own instincts telling me to run . ( I didn 't . Obviously . ) The thing that bothers me the most often about Ex is our disagreement about having children . I had never wanted to procreate . I didn 't want any child to live through a childhood similar to mine , and I didn 't trust myself to be a good mother . Ex lied when we first met , and told me he didn 't want kids , either . This was a conversation we had on our second date . Long after that , we were engaged and on our way to visit my family . We had just been to visit Ex 's family , and his sister told me that Ex had always wanted kids . So I asked him about it on the trip . Of course he did . I often think about myself sitting on the gravel behind the car , on the highway off ramp , in the middle of nowhere , weeping . Why did I not just turn around , drop Ex off at his house , and go on with my life ? I often wonder . Instead , we continued on to my mom 's house and I cried there for hours . That is the one and only time I slept in my mom 's bed . I was inconsolable . I often think of my cousin , who we met out at a city - wide garage sale the next day . She told Ex that she was so looking forward to having him be part of our family , and that everyone really liked him . I often wonder why I put in so much time in agonized thought only to come up with the wrong conclusion . I loved Ex with every part of my being . He wanted children . It was lose him or lose my fear of motherhood . I chose him . Oops . I often feel a small , burning ember of hatred inside of me for what Ex did to me . I was perfectly content being alone . Then I opened my heart to wanting a whole family . Then Ex showed his sociopathic self and now I am alone . I often wonder how I could have been so stupid . I think I 'll go cry myself to sleep now . I 've been doing that often lately , but not about myself , lately . Tonight , I will cry for myself . . . and my unborn children . Posted by The office gossip just notified everyone that the boss is getting a divorce and the owner 's right - hand woman is in the mental hospital . Two things I don 't want to know . Two things that have happened to me that I didn 't want other people to know . I hate the office gossip . She is lazy , snoopy , and annoying . She knows I do not like her . I do not hide my feelings toward her . I have no idea why she notified me of these things . I guess they were just to juicy not to tell . I feel really bad for my boss . He has two young children . He seems really nice , but I only see him in the workplace , so who knows who he is when he is at home . I just know divorce rips a person apart from the inside out . I know it caused me to fail the biggest opportunity of my life - dental school . I know it still hurts , four years later . I know I will forever be " divorced . " The right - hand woman . . . I don 't know . I didn 't know she was depressed or suicidal or whatever it is that drove her to go to the mental hospital . I feel sad for her . She has three young children and a husband . I don 't know how they get along . She works at a different office , so I haven 't really gotten to know her . I know failing dental school was what made me go to the hospital . I don 't know - and I don 't want to know - why she went . It 's not that I don 't care . It just isn 't my business . I haven 't posted for a while because I was visiting family . For some reason , it reminded me of my Epic Plan . So , instead of writing about my visit with family , I 've chosen to write about something that [ didn 't ] happen several years ago . Go figure . My Epic Plan was conceived after I received a text from Ex out of nowhere : " I miss your smile and your laughter . " After I got over the enormous waves of pain caused by that , I moved on to my Epic Plan . 1 ) Start communicating with Ex again . Let everyone know we were " working on things . " 2 ) Plan a reconciliation trip with Ex . We had been to the Grand Canyon once , and I would suggest ( insist ) that we go there . 3 ) We stand at the edge of the canyon , and I make sure there are people within hearing distance , but no one near enough to see us . 4 ) I start a fight . Not hard . It would be much harder to NOT start a fight with Ex . Make sure it was loud enough to be overheard . End result : I die and get to end this miserable life , and Ex gets framed for my murder . It would have worked . I really had plans to do it . I had to tell my current therapist about it so someone would know the plan , which would make it not work . Ex would get off . I figured , since Ex killed me on the inside , he might as well be blamed for killing me on the outside , too . I sometimes regret not committing the Epic Plan of my own murder . Life is full of regrets . Posted by I have a list of people who act the same way . They will claim to love / like me , do something hurtful , get mad at me for what they did , and stop speaking to me . Now granted , they all have serious mental conditions , but still , is there no human decency in these people ? Ex is at the top of that list . He did this so many times , there is no way to count . I clearly remember the time I got home from work one night and he was on the couch and refused to speak to me . He didn 't speak to me for days . Things had been going fine ; I had no idea what I had done to make him mad at me . Turns out , I hadn 't done anything at all . He had gotten home from work early , gone on a bike ride , and then decided I would be mad that he went without me . So he got mad at me for what my imagined response was , and stopped speaking to me . For days . I didn 't even know he had gone on a bike ride in the first place , and I wouldn 't have cared . But I got punished for what he had done . My older sister decided I said something hurtful to her . She stopped speaking to me for an entire year . She and her family missed my college graduation and she was not there for me during my difficult divorce . She said mean things about me to her children . My nephews . One day a year later , she suddenly came to the realization that I hadn 't actually said anything at all , and all was " forgiven . " She explained to me that she understood I hadn 't been mean , and that we could be friends . Life was resumed . I got no apologies ; there was no remorse for adding to the extreme pain I was going through . Nothing . I forgave her because I love my nephews . I will never trust her . But I will tolerate her for my nephews . Last night , someone I have been a friend to got mad at me because I called her on something hurtful she had done . She thoughtlessly used me ( by name ) as an example in therapy group , and even though she knew I was upset about it , didn 't apologize or even mention it all week . In group , I said I was upset about what had happened . I didn 't name her , but she named herself by getting up and leaving . She did apologize via text , which I accepted and apologized to her for not talking to her in private . She then proceeded to tell me why she was in the right . Why it was okay for her to use an incorrect example with my name involved . I didn 't get mad . I didn 't tell her she was an idiot . I simply told her to leave me out of her examples . " No worries about that . " was her reply . And boom , she resigned our Words with Friends game and unfriended me on Facebook . She is mad at me for something she did . Again , I realize these are very screwed up people I am dealing with . I need to choose better friends . Did you notice I said I had been a friend to this girl , not that we were friends . She was never there for me when I needed her . If I asked to spend time with her , she would tell me she was waiting around , hoping her boyfriend would let her spend time with him . The last time we went to the movies , she bought the matinee tickets and expected me to pay for the refreshments ( WAY more expensive . ) I missed the previews , which are my favorite part of the movie , because she had decided at the last minute to go see this particular showing and I wanted to accommodate her . Afterwards , I asked if she wanted to go eat or get a drink so we could talk . Nope . She wanted to stand on the sidewalk and talk about herself and then leave . This behavior was typical , but I never called her on her selfishness . I was pathetically grateful that she had spent time with me , since she has a habit of abandoning her friends once she finds a relationship or someone to sleep with . That isn 't a friend I need . It makes me sad , but I am better off without that in my lifMarcy Appl That woman in my therapy group had better have run into a car this week . Not have a car accident ; that may have hurt someone else . I mean I hope the idiot was walking and tripped over a car and smashed her face . It 's better for something like that to happen rather than me have to smash her face into a brick wall tomorrow . My therapist said to just ask her not to talk to me . But she got in my face . I was sitting down and she was practically stepping on my feet . I don 't normally get violent . I don 't normally even get mad . But she was talking about my family . No idiot is allowed to talk about my family . It has been almost a week and I am still irate . She took something serious and sad and trivialized it with her stupidity . And thought she was cool . I 'll show you cool . I seriously considered not going to group , but my therapist says that isn 't effective . Maybe ho - bag won 't be there . Maybe she will be embarrassed about the bruises on her face from tripping over a car . If karma exists , that happened . I believe . Posted by I have the jitters . What a weird word . But a good one , since it fills two needs I have : to start a post with " J " and to describe my feelings of nervousness about my upcoming visit to see my family . My older sister , her husband , and my four nephews will be driving through my city to pick me up , and then we will stay at a hotel halfway , and then go to see my little sister , her husband , my three nieces , and my mom . Whew ! We haven 't all been together for years . I miss my family . Ex hated my older sister and her husband , which is extremely ironic , considering the fact that they took his side and remained friends on Facebook with him until ( I 'm assuming ) he dumped them once he met his new wife . " Who are these people , honey ? " Explain that . I do wonder if Ex told her he had been married before . My guess is no . But that is another letter . Why am I jittery ? Well , mainly because my place in the family has always been the entertainer . I 'm the funny one . I 'm the one who laughs first and longest . I 'm the happy one . I 'm not happy anymore . I 'm just not . Happiness has flown from me like the spirit flies from the dead . It does not exist in this shell . So I 'm jittery , because I don 't want to let my family know how sad and dead I really am . I don 't want to be fake and pretend like everything is okay , either . I don 't know who to be anymore . I 'm not the me I used to be . Posted by It 's back . I have struggled with insomnia my entire life , but had a brief respite the last few months . I was given a magical little pill called Ambien , and then was taken off of it , but was still able to sleep . I hoped insomnia was a thing of the past . Nope . Sometimes I wonder if it is that I cannot sleep or if I do not want to sleep . When things are really bothering me , I have crazy , scary dreams , and I don 't want to go to sleep when I know they are coming . I know I 've told you about the waves before - how they start out as just slightly odd dreams and then get progressively worse until I wake up screaming . That 's fun . I 'm really tired tonight . Last night , I stayed up until 4 : 00 a . m . and then , even after turning out the light , laid there awake for a long time . I don 't look at the clock once lights are out . It 's too depressing . I really want to go to sleep , but the dreams I had last night were slightly odd . The wave is starting . When I was with Ex , I would lie awake and listen to him breathe and it would comfort me . It was nice knowing that he was sleeping peacefully , and I would lie there and wonder what he was dreaming about . I would think of names for our future children until I drifted off to sleep . Simon and Sophie . Cute , right ? Now I lie in bed and try to focus on my own breathing . It gets scary in my head . No one wants to be in my head . I don 't know if I can call it insomnia when I know I could easily fall asleep if I would just allow myself to do so . I just don 't want to . I 'm scared . I haven 't been going to group lately , but did go tonight . I wish I had stayed home . We do " check - in , " where everyone goes around and says their name , the high of their week , the low of their week , and a skill they used . I told mine . My low was pretty low . Two people came up to me at break and tried to share stories from their lives . One well - meaning girl only succeeded in making me feel sorry for her . The other woman is lucky I was able to refrain from jumping out of my chair and ramming her stupid face into the brick wall . Hard . I am not , by nature , a violent person , but when you are talking to me about something that really matters , don 't be stupid . Don 't . Just shut your stupid face and go sit down . And then , once group recommenced , another girl used me as an example of people being nice and trying to help . They did not help . One genuinely tried , the other was just stupid and wanted to feel important . Don 't use stupidity as an example of kindness . Do not confuse the two , and especially do not involve me . I spent the entire remainder of group trying not to just get up and leave . The only reason I didn 't was that a late - comer was sitting right in front of the door and it would have caused drama . I couldn 't make a clean exit , so I sat there and drew geometric designs and dissociated until group was finally over . People tried to talk to me after group and they meant well but I was so far out of it and so mad and so sad and so over it that I just left . I had to . I had nothing to say to those people . Now I am at home on my couch , drinking . I have been able to not drink for quite some time . I do not think I have enough alcohol on hand to get as drunk as I want to get , which is probably good , because then I get really , really sad and am strongly tempted to just go ahead and take every pill I have . I blame Ex for all of this . If not for him , I would not be in therapy and would not be subjected to stupid people who need to have their faces smashed into brick walls . Hard . Let me start this post with a serious disclaimer : I am not suicidal . Don 't worry about me . That being said , I really want to go to the hospital . I want to lie on the metal bed in a glass room in the ER while they stare at me . I want to lie huddled under a sheet and bawl . I want to soak the sheets . I want the social worker to come in and ask me stupid questions to see if I merit a stay in the psychiatric ward . I know how to answer those questions to gain admittance . I want to be taken upstairs in a wheelchair as if I have suddenly lost use of my legs and sit there while they go through my little bag of things . Shoes with elastic so I can wear them instead of slippers . I know I can 't have shoelaces . A book . A few changes of clothes . I want to be pointed to a bed in the middle of the night ; it 's late , because the intake process takes forever . I want to lie in a bed in a room full of strangers and cry myself to sleep . I want a nurse to wake me up and give me medication and take my blood and then let me go back to sleep . I want to be called to the cafeteria for a breakfast brought in a huge silver cart . I want to be able to go back to bed and lie there and cry . I want someone to tell me what to do . Eat . Sleep . Take this pill . Come to this group . Watch this show . Take a shower . Rest . I can 't go . I can 't afford to board my dogs , and I 'm going to visit my family in a few weeks , so I can 't miss work . I need the money badly . I don 't really need to go . I 'm not going to kill myself . I just want to rest for a little bit . I think I will take a tranquilizer and go to bed , set my own alarm , get up later than planned in the morning , tell myself to take my medication , find my own breakfast , drive myself to work , get through the day somehow . It is all so hard . I find myself drawn to the floor again lately . I do not think this is a good sign . Right after Ex kicked me out , I would sleep on the hardwood floor in front of my couch with a blanket and sometimes a pillow . Usually , Little Woof would steal the pillow during the night and be curled up on it while I woke with a cramp in my neck . Or she would sleep on the back of the couch . Robbie would sleep on the couch and look over the edge at me . Both of my dogs were more concerned about creature comforts than I was . I laid on the floor of my therapist 's office on Monday . I was sitting on the couch and somehow melted down onto the floor and just stayed there . I don 't think she quite knew what to do with me . I was really sad and not motivated to even breathe . I get like that sometimes . I will make an effort to stay on the couch for my next session . I think . The months of sleeping on the floor in front of the couch were not healthy , nor should they be repeated . Lying on the floor in front of my therapist 's couch reminded me of those nights . They were not fun . They were sad and lonely and desolate and filled with despair and sorrow . And every other synonym for " sad " that you care to insert here . ______________ I don 't think my attraction to the floor is healthy . I am trying to not lie on the floor at work right now . It is not easy . The floor sings a song of comfort and solidarity . I like the floor . The floor likes me . I really want to lie on the floor . Posted by Eventually , I will die . Eventually , I will realize that , in order for the list to happen , the last thing on the list has to happen right where it is - last . Posted by I have had series of nightmares for my entire life . They rotate ; the rotation starts off as memorable dreams that are only slightly disturbing . I will " remember " running into someone I don 't like at the store , or something minor like that . Then they get worse . Memories of my childhood home . I was scared of the door leading from the house to the garage , and I will dream that , no matter how hard I pull , I can 't get the door to close all the way , and there is something on the other side that is going to come and hurt me . When I went to see the energy healer , she asked me about my dreams . I told her they start out mild and progress to those that wake me up screaming and crying . I said this very calmly . It is part of my life and has been for as long as I can remember , and it isn 't a big deal to me anymore . She looked at me with sorrowful eyes and told me she was sorry that life has been so hard . That almost made me cry . I am generally okay until someone else feels sorry for me , and then I want to join them in their pity of me and bawl . No , my life has not been easy . No , not a lot of good things have gone on . Yes , a lot of bad things have gone down . I don 't want to do this anymore . Last night , I dreamt of nothing . It was nice . Posted by I did something completely out of character today and went to see an energy healer . I don 't believe in that stuff . I don 't . Well , apparently , I do . Or at least , I believe in it enough to make an appointment and then actually go to the appointment . It was weird . I was incredibly uncomfortable and felt nauseated at first . She got me talking about training horses , so I kind of forgot why I was there , and she said she did " work " on me while I was distracted . Okay . Something must have gone on , because she left the room to get a booklet for me and I got so dizzy I had to put my head between my legs . I seriously thought I was going to pass out . Or throw up . Or both . Luckily , I did neither , but I 'm home on the couch ( shocking ! ) now , and my stomach is really upset . So she did something . Or something . Whatever . She did have a lot of interesting things to say . She showed me a picture and explained the chakras to me . The lower three , I learned , have to do with body stuff ( She used far better terminology , but this is what I brought home with me ) . Then there is the heart , the mind , and the soul , also called the third eye . When trauma happens , the lower three chakras close up . She compared it to a large wound in your arm : you are hurt and have to apply a tourniquet in order to stop the bleeding and survive . Trauma is injury , and closing the chakras is applying the tourniquet . That makes sense to me . Then she said , matter - of - factly , that the lower chakras also shut down when a person dies . Bingo . If I buy into all of this , here is what I get : I have had trauma thrown at me my entire life . I muddled through until marrying Ex , who managed to inflict so much damage that I was forced to shut down my chakras in order to survive . They have been so severely shut down and for so long a time , that now they are in the same state as if my body was actually dying . So when I told my therapist that I feel dead , this could explain that . Do I believe this ? Or did I just throw my hard - earned money down the drain ? I don 't know , but I do know I don 't feel well . And I can kind of feel my feet . Which , when you 've been disconnected from your body as long as I have , is kind of cool .

Today was picture day at Jaden 's school . Miss Moll said that Jaden did really well . I hope the pictures turn out good . I 'm very excited about his first school pictures ! Something else exciting happened today . We got a video of Noah in the mail ! We weren 't expecting it at all , so it was really exciting . I saw the package in the mail and I thought " That looks like it 's about the size of a videotape . " I was trying not to get my hopes up , but I basically tore the package open and then immediately called Scott . He wanted to see it right away so he came home for lunch . It was so sweet to see him crawling around ( he doesn 't really use his legs yet , but he pulls himself along with his arms ) . He was really adorable . I can 't wait to go visit him ! And Jaden was really cute , watching him . He kept saying things like , " Baby Noah is being silly . Baby Noah is playing with the Winnie the Pooh toy . " He was really sweet . That was pretty much the best thing about today . Nothing else exciting . Today was Jaden 's very first field trip ! Scott 's mom came over , so I was able to chaperone . We went to the Marriott Lincolnshire to see Pinocchio and Jaden was enthralled the entire time . He absolutely loved it ! It was so cute to watch him sit on the edge of his seat , mesmerized by the action . He even danced in his seat when there was music . I swear , he didn 't make a peep the entire show and he never lost interest . I loved it ! Since today was my mom 's real birthday , we sang Happy Birthday to her on the phone . Danielle now loves to talk on the phone , so she held the phone for a lot of the conversation . Of course , she tends to occasionally crawl around with it , so it 's hard to actually hold a conversation . But , she is so cute when she babbles on the phone . She does NOT want to put the phone down . In the evening , I had a meeting with Se - Kure . It went well - they seemed really happy with what we have done so far . Unfortunately , I had to drive 2 1 / 2 hours for a 1 hour meeting . Sigh . Scott and I were supposed to have our psychiatrist appointment tonight , but apparently the doctor is sick . : - ( So , we had to reschedule it for next week . Sometimes it feels like we 'll never get done with our dossier . I wish that I was better organized - I could have gotten things done quicker , I 'm sure . My mom came over tonight . I didn 't call to tell her that our appointment was cancelled because I had been planning on making her a cake and a card for her birthday . We aren 't going to be able to see her tomorrow because I have a meeting in the evening , so I wanted her to come today . I 'm glad that she did . Jaden loved singing happy birthday to her and helping her blow out her candles . My mom and I just spent the evening watching TV - as usual . But , it was a nice night . Tonight was our first sign language class at the Center on Deafness in Northbrook . We 're really glad that we ended up taking it . It 's a lot different from Harper , but it 's good to get a different perspective . Harper goes at it from a much more academic standpoint . This class is much more laid back and geared toward real life use of sign language , it seems . In some ways , I think that it 's probably not as good for pure ASL , but it 's good to have this other perspective . We are thinking that it would be nice in the future if we could take both this class and the Harper class . We also talked to several people about early intervention and about services that are available for Noah once we get home . They told us to call when we get Noah home and they will help connect us with the proper people . One of the women used to interpret for the school in Vernon Hills and she told us a lot about it . The only thing that I 'm not crazy about is the fact that they use something very close to signed exact English . She said that when the kids are young , they even use signs for " ing " and " ed " , etc . I don 't really think I like that . Scott said that after talking to her , he felt more reassured about it ( she explained that mainstreaming is their main goal and that they use the special signs so that the kids will really understand English grammar ) , but I still don 't feel very good about it . I just don 't see how throwing English letters at the end words in a visual language makes much sense . I would really like to see some actual data on how Deaf kids learn best . All I 've heard is anectdotal stuff . Of course , both sides insist that their way is better . This morning , Scott and I went and got our vaccinations for our trip to Haiti . We had to get a Hepatitis A shot and a Typhoid shot . Scott also got a Tetanus shot , since he didn 't get one when he had his physical . We had to bring the kids with us , but it didn 't go too badly . They were actually very good , considering . After the doctors ' appointment , Mary and Dana came over for playgroup . They were the only ones who were able to make it , but that was okay . Unfortunately , I was feeling really exhausted ( as usual lately - I think it must be my allergies ) . I think that she could tell that I was just really tired . Oh well . Jaden had fun playing with Dana anyway . Other than that , there was nothing exciting about today . Today 's service at church was about romance . It was a good service , but it didn 't feel very important to me because we don 't really have issues in our marriage right now . But , Jaden seemed to have lots of fun at Promiseland and we got to see Martha and Michael again . After church , we just hung out at home . Scott and I knew that we should get some things done , but we didn 't end up working on anything . Oh well . In the evening , we did start going through the workbook that we got from the homestudy agency . It seems like a good study . It 's already brought up some things that we hadn 't really thought about before . For instance , it hadn 't occurred to me before that Noah may have NEVER been alone before . He sleeps in a room with many other babies - there are always caretakers and other children around . I doubt that he has ever just been left in a room by himself . It might be very difficult for him to sleep in a room by himself when he gets home . Well , we ended up making another $ 85 . 50 by the end of the day . It was funny - the grill went at the very last minute . It had started to rain and we had pretty much given up on the garage sale when some landscaping guys came by with a big truck . They took the grill for $ 20 , which we were happy about at that point . We just didn 't want to have to have it sit in the back yard any longer . I also sold the baby swing for $ 25 - I was hoping to get $ 30 for it , but , again , I was just happy not to have to put it back in the basement . Another funny item that I sold was the Atari . I hadn 't even brought it next door , but some guy asked if we had any video games . I told him that I had the Atari in our garage still . Scott and I had decided not to sell the main Atari , but I was willing to sell the one without any joysticks . The guy would only give me $ 15 for it and he picked out one game ( for all I know , it was a rare game ) , but it was still good to get rid of it and get some money for it . It doesn 't seem like we would be able to get all that much for it on Ebay right now . One of the only things that we didn 't sell at the garage sale next door was the Christmas tree . We were disappointed that it didn 't go , since we had marked it all the way down to $ 10 ( it started out at $ 20 during the last garage sale ) . No one showed any interest in it . That turned out to be a good thing , though , because the woman who had said that she was going to come back for it a couple of weeks ago showed up at our door this evening ! She bought the tree for $ 15 ( which was just between the price that I had written down on her paper and the price that I had been trying to get for it yesterday ) and then she bought some of the clothes that my grandmother knit for $ 5 . I also gave her a decorative gift bag for free and I gave her daughter the stuffed duck basket that she seemed to like so much . I was really happy because , before the woman left , she said " This is going to be a great Christmas . " I was so glad to get the tree to someone who needed it . At that point , posted by Nicole @ 10 : 00 PM 1 comments Today , Carol ( next door ) had her garage sale . I went over while Danielle was sleeping and brought over some things that we had left over from our garage sale . I ended up staying over there a good portion of the day , just talking to her . I really enjoyed getting to know her better and we had a lot of fun agonizing over how sloooow the garage sale was going . Almost no one came and the people who did come didn 't buy much . I guess it was the weather - it was a bit chilly today . I did make $ 5 more and got rid of one more thing that would have ended up in the basement . I guess that was good . Hopefully tomorrow we 'll sell a bit more . Other than that , there 's not much to say about today . I really did spend almost the entire day next door . I actually felt a little bad that I didn 't spend more time with the kids ( I brought Danielle with me at one point , while Jaden was watching a TV show , but they both spent longer than usual in bed , napping ) . Tonight , Scott and I started going through the " Eyes Wide Open " adoption workbook . It 's been interesting to talk over the issues that it brings up . Then , we watched the first episode of a new show called " Invasion " . It was really interesting - I hope it stays that way . This evening , Scott invited a woman ( Alisha ) from work home for dinner . She is here from the New Jersey office and is staying in a hotel . Apparently , the night before she had just gone back to the hotel and sat there by herself , so Scott thought it would be nice to invite her over . It was nice to meet her - she was a really fun and interesting person . I had to clean the house up before she came ( which was quite a job ! ) . But , first I booked our tickets to Haiti ! ! We finally figured out all the details and Scott got approval to take the days off from work . I was so excited to actually book the tickets . We are going from October 9th through the 13th . I can 't wait to see Noah ! Now I just have to figure out everything we need to do before we go . I did get us an appointment for immunizations on Monday morning . So many things to think about ! Honey came home last night at 1 AM . Poor Honey . It was nice to have him home , though . I spent a lot of today trying to figure out whether or not it will be possible for us to go to Haiti in October . We were thinking of going from the 13th to the 17th , but I hadn 't looked at the flight schedule correctly . There are no flights out to Cap Haitien on Thursdays . I spoke to Robin on the phone for almost 40 minutes today . I found out that there are some days that would be better for them because they already have to drive to the airport . Apparently , the airport is only 7 miles away from the orphanage , but it takes them 45 minutes to drive there because the terrain is so rough . She said that there are potholes the size of a car . She also said that there are no real roads , no road signs to speak of and no traffic or street lights . Apparently , people basically just use their horns constantly to let others know what they 're doing . Robin also said that Cap Haitien is much different from Port au Prince . She said that the violence that the media talks about in Haiti is pretty much just in PaP . She also said that the media really blows things out of proportion and that it is not as violent as they make it sound . So , it 's an option to go after the elections if we can 't make the week that we want to go in October work out . Robin told me a lot about the orphanage . Apparently , Robin 's mother ( and she ) started the orphanage 6 years ago . They went out there and basically started taking in babies when all they had was a shack to stay in . They had no electricity and didn 't even know where they should go to buy food , etc . They had five babies and it was just Robin and her mother taking care of them . Eventually , they found a building that they were able to rent . Then , they moved out to the country and were able to stay in some buildings that had been used by some missionaries . After a few years , they built their own building and the missionaries moved back into the old buildings . They now have a generator ( and therefore electricity ) . Robinposted by Nicole @ 10 : 00 PM 0 comments Michael called tonight to tell us that he and Martha decided that they would like to be the kids ' guardians . I was so relieved - I really think that they are the best people for the job . I was also relieved that I didn 't have to call them and give them some sort of ultimatum - " Last chance - yes or no . " We needed to get the info back to Nichole at Glenkirk and she is going to be leaving to pick up her own little one in Guatemala soon . So , I really wanted to get it all settled . So , that was the biggest thing about today . But , to rewind . . . Just hung out at home during the day today . In the evening , my mom came over to babysit while I went to the Mundelein neighborhood group for Willow . It was good to get together with everyone again . I was glad that I was able to go , since I won 't be able to for the next couple of months ( because of our sign language class ) . Jaden was cute tonight . He asked when Daddy was going to be home . My mom told him he was going to be home in time to take him to school on Wednesday . Jaden said , " Is he going to fly on an airplane ? " My mom told him yes and he said , " Is he going to bring baby Noah home . " So cute . He is often asking if we 're bringing Noah home - after the first homestudy meeting , several times since then . I 'm so glad that he 's excited about his baby brother . Scott had to go to California for work today . He won 't be home until late tomorrow night ( in the middle of the night ) . : - ( We 'll miss him . Today , we went to playgroup at Mary 's house . Martha was there too . It was fun . Jaden was being really sweet and cute with Anna . On the way home , we stopped at Taco Bell , but neither of the kids seemed too keen on eating it . I don 't think I 'll do Taco Bell again for awhile . I really should try to stop going to fast food places so often anyway - it 's just so convenient when we 're out - especially when we 're far away . Tonight my mom came over and we watched several shows . We saw a new show called Surface , another new show called How I Met Your Mother , and Prison Break ( which started a few weeks ago ) . I also tried to record a new show called Kitchen Confidential , but forgot to turn off the VCR . Oops ! Guess I already watched enough . Today at church , the service was about relationships and how we need to take into account differences in personality when we have conflicts . We need to try to see things from someone else 's point of view ( even if we don 't agree with them ) . Gene talked about how some people are extroverts , some introverts , some organized , some unorganized , some thinkers , some feelers , etc . I thought it was a good service , even though there 's no one that I specifically have any issues with right now . When we left church , we went to IHOP with the Stocks . It was nice to hang out together - but funny when I realized that I had to request a table for eight ! We talked to Michael and Martha about the possibility of them becoming guardians for our kids . We had asked them if they would be willing to be their guardians on Friday evening . They 're still thinking about it - it 's a pretty big commitment . It 's strange to ask someone outside of the family to do this , but we really feel like it 's better this way . Linda and Chris are still separated and I don 't think that it would be right to thrust three more kids into their situation . And Sharon and Joel don 't really even seem to believe in God - and certainly don 't believe in Christianity . We wouldn 't feel right about having them raise our kids , knowing that the kids wouldn 't be able to see a relationship with Jesus modeled . Even if they agreed to take the kids to church , the kids would know that they didn 't believe and would surely be swayed by this . So , we think that it would be better if Martha and Michael took them . I would definitely trust them to love our kids and to raise them like their own . This evening , I was supposed to go see the play that my dad directed , but I completely forgot . We went to the park and then were fixing dinner when my mom called . I was so upset with myself ! It really bothers me that I forget things - she had just reminded me earlier in the day . I don 't understand why I can 't remember things like that - especially things that are important to other people . My parents posted by Nicole @ 10 : 00 PM 2 comments Today was the Promiseland drama team kick - off . It was fun - it was great to have Michael there . I 'm really excited that he 's joined the team . Scott and the kids went to Great America with my mom , his parents , Linda and the girls . He didn 't have much fun , though . I guess it was pretty busy . Plus , he had just had a bad morning . Jaden peed his pants twice in the morning . Poor Honey ! I got home a bit before 2 : 00 and ended up doing about an hour and a half on Encapsolution work . It was good to get something done for a change ! We put the kids to bed a bit early , since they hadn 't had a nap ( well , Danielle had a morning nap , but not an afternoon one ) . Then , Scott , my mom and I watched " Guess Who " which was I thought was a really good comedy . It was interesting because it dealt with race issues ( the story is about a young black woman and young white man who get engaged - she doesn 't tell her parents that he 's white before they meet him , though ) , but it doesn 't get too preachy and it doesn 't gloss over the issues either . I liked it . Today was a good day . Jaden seemed to do well at school again . Miss Moll even commented on how polite Jaden is - he always says please and thank you . After the kids ' nap , we went across the street and hung out with our neighbors for awhile . We met them when we had our garage sale and found out that they have a son just a little bit younger than Jaden . They are a Middle Eastern family - obviously relatively strict Muslim since the women all wear scarves on their heads ( not sure what the official name for that is ) . They are very nice and seemed to be very happy to get to know us . Their youngest daughter , Fatima , seemed extremely taken with Danielle . The little boy , Yusef , wasn 't too keen on having to share things with Jaden , but that 's just the way it is with 2 year olds . I think it would be great if they could play together sometimes . Plus , the middle daughter might be able to babysit for us sometimes . It would be great to have another option for a babysitter - especially someone who is so close by . I 'm not sure exactly how old she is , but I think she is probably 13 or 14 . So , it turned out to be a nice afternoon . Of course , then Jaden peed in his pants and I had to rush him home and give him and Danielle a bath . But , it wasn 't all that bad - it didn 't take away too much from getting to know our neighbors . Miss Moll said that Jaden had another good day at school today . I was definitely happy to hear that . Apparently , the muffins were also a big hit , which made me happy . I brought a gate to school today for them to use in the classroom . Miss Moll had sent out an email asking if anyone had an extra one and we had one sitting in the basement ( we don 't need two in this house like we did in the other house ) . Not much else to say about today . I did some Encapsolution work in the evening . I read my Toddler Adoption book some during the day ( I got it yesterday on the Bookmobile ) . A generally good day with nothing exciting . Jaden did better with his potty training today - no accidents . I was really worried that he was going to have an accident at school , but he did fine . Even more importantly , he had generally better behavior today . Scott talked to Miss Moll this morning and said that we might like to meet with her to talk about how we can work on Jaden 's behavior at school . When I came to pick Jaden up , we talked about it briefly and she said that he is really not misbehaving a lot more than the other kids . She said that she basically spends a lot of her day trying to round the kids up and that they are all learning , since this is the first time most of the kids have been in a pre - school environment . I was SO happy to hear that . It made me feel TONS better - I had been worrying that Jaden was having real behavior problems . So , I basically said that we would meet later if it still seemed necessary and that she should feel free to talk to us if he wasn 't progressing at the same rate as the other kids . She said that he had done very well that day . It was such a relief ! I tried making the appointment with the psychiatrist again today , but still no luck . I guess maybe I should try another office . Other than that , nothing too exciting about today . I made muffins for Jaden to take to school tomorrow , since it 's his day to bring the snack . Then , while we were at the Bookmobile , Sota ate four of them ! I was so mad ! I was going to have to make more anyway , since the mix only made 12 and there are 14 kids in Jaden 's class , but it was still pretty infuriating . So , I went grocery shopping tonight and didn 't get back until after 9 . Then , I had to make the other batch of muffins . Oh well - I think it was worth it . I had to rush around and clean the house this morning because Marie Shepherd came over at 1 PM to talk to me about leading a small group . The meeting went really well - it was great to talk to her . I also did my membership re - affirmation with her . So , Scott and I just need to talk about what day we want to do the study - seems like it 's going to happen . Nothing else too exciting about today . I did some bills and stuff in the evening and Scott and I watched the new show " Bones " and " House . " Both were pretty good . We went to playgroup today . We had a great time , but Jaden peed his pants while we were there and never mentioned it . Then , my mom said that he peed in his pants TWICE more in the evening ! This is not good . It 's frustrating because I don 't know why he 's suddenly doing this . In the evening , Scott and I went to Ponderosa for a Secret Shop . We enjoyed the dinner , although the entrees still weren 't great . But , it was great to have a free dinner ! Well , I slept better last night than I have in the past several days . I actually fell asleep shortly after 10 PM and didn 't wake up again until Jaden woke up at about 6 : 30 . It was VERY nice to finally get some rest . This morning , the garage sale was VERY slow . Absolutely no one came during the first two hours and then a few people trickled in . By 11 AM , we had only made $ 10 ( the sale started at 8 AM again ) . But , at least I had a nice relaxing morning to catch up on my Yahoo Group reading and my journaling . : - ) The rest of the day was equally slow , but we did end up making $ 67 . 70 , so it was worth it . It was funny - we actually made $ 10 after we had already packed everything up and were loading it back into the garage . I was wheeling the old TV stand ( which we had books on during the sale ) back into the garage and someone pulled into the driveway with a truck . They asked how much we wanted for the stand . Since we hadn 't really had it in the sale , I asked Scott what we should sell it for . He shrugged , " $ 10 ? " We figured they 'd try to talk us down from there , but they didn 't . So , we made $ 10 after the sale was already way over . Overall , we ended up making $ 571 . 3o ! I was definitely happy with that number . Hopefully we 'll make even more in a couple of weeks at Carol and Mike 's sale . Carol has been super nice the past few times I 've spoken to her - a bit of a change from the somewhat chilly response that we got from her when we first move in . It 's not that she was ever rude - she just didn 't seem to respond much when we tried to connect to her . I kind of wonder if the change in her has anything to do with the fact that she saw the sign about us adopting Noah . I don 't know for sure , but she has definitely been suddenly friendlier . I went to mom 's night out tonight with my friends from playgroup . It was good to see everybody , since it 's been awhile since we 've been to playgroup . Today 's sales were even better than yesterday ! I was a bit worried for part of the time because we weren 't as busy overall as we were yesterday . We had some loooong lulls . But , we sold some of the bigger items like the lawnmower and the TV . So , overall , we ended up making $ 260 for a grand total of $ 505 so far . Yay ! ! ! ! My mom came over to help us out with the sale today , which was nice . That way , we didn 't have to worry too much about the kids . By the evening , I had a bad headache . We watched a program that had been on PBS about Haiti and then headed to bed . Scott went to bed at 8 : 30 ! I ended up going in to Jaden 's room for a little while and laying on his floor next to his bed . He was still awake and he wanted me to be with him . It was actually very nice . He was so sweet - I put my hand up on his bed and he held it and then was " petting " it . I actually think that it made my headache go away . Up until I went in his room , my head was still pounding , but by the time I left it felt almost completely better . I went downstairs to sleep on the couch because we have been having such a hard time sleeping lately . It seems to be a bit better if we sleep in separate beds . We were up until 2 AM last night working on garage sale signs and had to get up early this morning to start the garage sale at 8 AM . So , we 're pretty tired . But , I was also very excited about the sale and didn 't mind being tired much . The sale went very well . We ended up making $ 245 today . I was very happy with that and am hoping that we can make about $ 500 for the whole sale . It was really encouraging to have such a great start . We really sold quite a few things . Scott 's mom came over to help out , which was great because otherwise I don 't know how I would have picked Jaden up from school . It was also nice to have her here while I fed the kids , etc . She stayed until I put them down for their naps . The one drawback of today was that I couldn 't end the sale until after Scott got home from work because I couldn 't bring all the tables in myself . It turned out that Scott had to work late and couldn 't get home until 6 : 30 ! By then , I was exhausted and the kids were hard to deal with ( since I couldn 't really do much with them ) . But , overall , a very good day . I even met several neighbors ( a couple of whom I ended up talking to for a long time ) . Hopefully tomorrow will go just as well . The only bad thing about today was picking Jaden up from school . I got there a little bit early today and the kids were still lined up waiting to go on the playground . So , I pull up and I see the entire class standing nicely , waiting EXCEPT Jaden . He is running around in circles wildly while Miss Moss is attempting to get him to calm down . She keeps going over to him and saying , " Jaden , you need to listen . If you don 't stop running , you won 't get to play on the playground . " Meanwhile , he is yelling , " No ! Leave me alone ! " I was absolutely mortified . I got out of the van and said , " Jaden Scott Hewitt ! " But , Miss Moss ignored me and I felt like she wanted to take care of it herself . Unfortunately , he never really did listen . He was not able to go on the playground . I asked her if he was like this a lot and she said , " Well , we 're working on listeniposted by Nicole @ 10 : 00 AM 0 comments During the day today , I picked up some donated items for our garage sale . A woman at our church donated a bunch of stuff . It was really nice of her . Then , we went to Target and bought stuff to make signs with . We went to Martha and Michael 's for dinner tonight . It was so great to hang out with them again . We have really missed them . We talked a lot about the adoption and just generally had a nice time talking together . It worked out pretty well with the kids , although not perfectly . Danielle cried on the way there and on the way back and she also cried a lot when we put her down in the pack and play . On the other hand , Jaden LOVED being able to sleep in Martha and Michael 's bed . After we left Martha and Michael 's house , we stopped at the Pucillo 's because they had some games and toys that they wanted to donate to the garage sale . When we got home , we still had to make signs ( which took awhile ) . I made one big red garage sale sign for the corner , and then a sign for our yard that had a picture of Noah and said that the proceeds from the sale would go toward his adoption costs . Jaden was so cute tonight . A bit after 9 : 00 , he was still awake and calling for us . Scott went in to see what he wanted and Jaden started talking about a fire drill that they had had at school that day . After a few minutes , Scott called me up and I was talking to him too . He was so cute . He kept going on and on about the fire drill - " My school has a fire bell . It was loud . I had to cover my ears . And then , we had to stand on the yellow line . We went outside . " I swear , it 's the most he 's ever told us about school . He talked for a good half hour ! My mom came over this evening to help out with getting the garage sale ready . I think that we 're pretty prepared . I 'm excited and hope we can make some good money . I was supposed to go to a meeting at Se - Kure tonight , but ended up not going . Scott wasn 't going to be able to get home from work in time for me to get there on time . And then Jaden threw up at lunch . I think it was just because he was coughing so much , but I still just didn 't feel like leaving him . Plus , I really needed to get some more sorting done for the garage sale . I ended up being glad that I didn 't go . I asked them to call me and put me on conference for the meeting , but they just called me afterward . Turns out , they want to get video hooked into the system and so there really wasn 't much in the way of user requirements that they talked about . Anyway , I worked in the garage while Scott took the kids to the park - it worked out well . Today , Scott 's parents came over and hung out with us . We made taco lacos for dinner . Yum ! In the evening , the guys came and took the carpet that we 've been storing for Scott 's parents . It 's nice to have the extra space back in the garage . We continued to get stuff ready for the garage sale today too . I 've been going through all of Danielle 's clothes so that we can sell what she 's grown out of . I 'm really trying to sell as much as I possibly can so that we can make some money to help us bring baby Noah home ! Had a pretty good day today . The service at church was about the Bible and understanding the key message of the Bible . Gene says that the Bible is all about " How God tries , throughout history , to restore relationship with people like us . " It was a good message that reminded me that I need to pick up my Bible more often ! After church , we all went to brunch at a local pancake place . It was very busy , so it took awhile to get our food . But , I had some very good cherry crepes . After we ate , we all took naps . The whole family ! I knew it probably wasn 't a good idea , since I haven 't been sleeping well , but I was so tired ! Of course , now I 'm not tired at all . : - ( Scott set up some tables for me in the garage and I started sorting through things for the garage sale while he took the kids to the park . Unfortunately , that ended badly . Jaden threw sand at Danielle ( twice ) and then threw an absolute fit when Scott put him in the wagon to go home . Scott had pretty much had all he could take of Jaden by the time he got home . Luckily , bed time wasn 't that far off . I fed the kids dinner and then we put them to bed shortly after . Tonight , Scott and I watched the premiere of a new show called " Prison Break " . Seems to be right up our alley - people are comparing it a lot to 24 . We really enjoyed it . Today , Scott and I started getting things ready for our garage sale , which we are planning for next weekend . My mom came over , so we were able to get a decent amount done ( plus , my mom helped me ) . My mom brought over steaks , potatoes and salad for us . She said she wanted to make us dinner since she 's been eating over at our house so often . She and Scott made the food while I did some Encapsolution work . We ended up having the food for lunch , since we decided to go to Great America in the evening . It was great to have a real meal ! Scott and I left for Great America at about 5 PM . It was a great time to go - I guess since it 's so late in the season . All of the rides had really short lines . We went on four rollercoasters - including the three brand - new rides . We could have gone on even more in the time that we had , but that was all that Scott could handle . He did really enjoy the rides , though , so that made me happy . I thought that he might get sick after the first one and not really want to go on more . Luckily , that didn 't happen . We even waited to get on the first car of Deja Vu - We are so glad we did ! That ride was really awesome ! You are hanging under the track . You go ( backwards ) straight up , 90 degrees into the air and then shoot back down , you then go through a loop and a twist and then back up another straight track . Then you rush down again and do the whole thing again , backwards . Wow ! ! Talk about a rush ! I had a doctor 's appointment today , so Scott came home at lunchtime and watched the kids for me . Not sure how I feel about Dr . Perlis - she was SUPER nice , but she didn 't really say much of anything about my actual exam . She didn 't even give me a breast exam - I 've never been to a gyne appointment where I didn 't have a breast exam done . Scott was really upset when he heard that - he wanted me to go back , but I convinced him it would be okay . I watched a movie today while the kids were napping . It was called " The Upside of Anger " and was very interesting . It was about a woman who turned into this really bitter alchoholic after her husband left her for his secretary . After three years , she found out that her husband had not left her after all - he had fallen down a well in their yard and had died ! She had just assumed that he had left her because his secretary happened to go back to Sweden the same day that he disappeared . So , she spent three years of her life being bitter and angry about something that hadn 't even happened . I took pictures of Jaden and did videos of both Jaden and Danielle today . I was upset to see that the last date on Danielle 's tape was JUNE 14th , not July 14th . I 'm baffled - I hope that I didn 't actually miss a month somehow . It 's bad enough that I was so late this month . Urgh ! Tonight , we all went to Denny 's for dinner . We had a really nice dinner - the kids were very good . Lunch today was cute . Jaden didn 't want to eat his lunch , but I finally got him to by quoting the Green Eggs and Ham book . I would say , " Would you eat them in a box ? " And he would say , " No . " And I would say , " Would you eat them with a fox . " " No . " Eventually , I would say , " You don 't like them , so you say , but try them , try them and you may . " He would eat a bite and say " I DO like green eggs and ham . Thank you ! Thank you ! Sam I am ! " It was VERY cute . He ate his whole lunch that way . Scott and I watched a lot of TV footage about Hurricane Katrina tonight . I cannot believe how horrible it is there . People are starting to get angry that the government has not responded more quickly . So many people have been stranded without food or water in 100 degree heat for 4 days ! ! People are really wondering why we didn 't get help there sooner . The crazy thing is , people have actually been shooting at the people who are there to help ! There are snipers who have been shooting at rescue helicopters and boats . They are shooting at hospitals as rescuers are trying to get patients out . It is so insane to me - I really can 't wrap my head around why people would do this . I cannot understand why some people would kill just because they think they can get away with it . They military has been arriving tonight , so hopefully they can help this situation . They have said that it is going to take months to drain the city of New Orleans . I can 't imagine how they will ever get it back to normal .

BiologyChemistryConstructionCultureEcologyEconomyElectronicsFinanceGeographyHistoryInformaticsLawMathematicsMechanicsMedicineOtherPedagogyPhilosophyPhysicsPolicyPsychologySociologySportTourism Спасибо , что скачали книгу в бесплатной электронной библиотеке Royallib . ru 6 page " I miss you when we 're in a crowd like that , " he confessed as she snuggled next to him in the taxi . She had had a good time , and had been proud to be with him . It felt so good being part of a couple again . She didn 't need it to complete her , but it was nice having him there , and talking to him about the party afterward . She had missed that since her divorce . Parties were always more fun if you could gossip about them later with a mate . " You looked beautiful , " he complimented her readily , as he had several times that evening . " And I was so proud to be with you . I really enjoyed the evening , but I have to admit , I love having you to myself . It 's going to be great to have some time alone in Cape Cod . " " I hate sharing you with your adoring public , " he teased her . " I like it best when we 're alone . Everything is so fresh and new right now , it feels like an intrusion when anyone else is around . " The way he said it flattered her , that he was so anxious for time with her , but there were definitely times when she enjoyed the company of her peers and colleagues , and once in a while , even their admiration . For her , it had been part of life ever since she 'd gone back to work , although she always benefited from solitary moments too . But it touched her that Finn was so anxious to be with her , and to not waste a single moment they could spend alone . They would have plenty of time together at the Cape . " You have your adoring public too , " she reminded him , and he hung his head in embarrassment in a burst of humility rarely seen and that no one would have expected of him . It surprised her at times that for a man so well known in his field , and so strikingly good looking , he didn 't seem narcissistic to her at all . He wasn 't selfish or self - centered , he took pride in her accomplishments , was discreet about his own , and had no need to be the center of attention . And whatever flaws he had that she had not discovered yet , a big ego was not among them . He was a gem . They left for Cape Cod at nine o ' clock the next morning , in a Suburban he had rented for the week , since Hope no longer kept a car in New York . Whenever she needed one , she rented one herself . Living in the city , it made more sense , and she didn 't go up to Cape Cod very often anymore . She hadn 't been there since September , four months before . She was thrilled to be going with Finn now , and have the opportunity to share it with him . For a man who loved nature , solitude , and time alone with her , it was the perfect place for them to go . She and Paul had spent summers there during most of their marriage . And at the time , the simplicity of it had suited them both , although with the windfall he had made from the sale of his company , Paul 's life was grander now . And if anything , Hope 's had gotten less cluttered over the years . She had no need for luxuries , unusual comforts , or excess of any kind . She was a very unassuming , straightforward person , and enjoyed a simple life . And Finn said he did too . " Why don 't we stop and visit him ? " Hope asked with a bright smile . After all she 'd heard about him , she wanted to meet him , and Finn laughed . " He 'd probably fall over if I stopped in to see him . Actually , they 're not back yet after the winter break . He said he was going to Paris after skiing in Switzerland with his friends , or he may be back at my place in London . Maybe we could stop in to visit some other time . I 'd like you to meet him . " They drove on to Wellfleet after Providence and they reached the house at four in the afternoon , as the light was starting to get dim . The roads had been clear , but it looked like it might snow , and it was bitter cold , with a stiff wind . She directed Finn to drive into the driveway , which was slightly overgrown . The house stood apart from all the others , and there was tall dune grass all around . It seemed bleak at that time of year , and Finn commented that it looked like a Wyeth painting that they 'd seen at the museum , which made Hope smile . She 'd never thought of the house that way before , but he was right , it did . It was an old barn - shaped New England structure , painted gray with white shutters . In summer , there were flowers out front , but there were none now . The gardener she hired to come once a month cut everything back in winter , and he wouldn 't even bother to come now until spring . There was nothing for him to do there . And the house looked sad and deserted with the shutters closed . But the view of the ocean from the dune it sat on was spectacular and the beach stretched out for miles . Hope smiled as she stood looking at it with him . It always made her feel peaceful being there . She put an arm around his waist and he leaned down to kiss her , and then she took her keys out of her bag , opened the door , turned off the alarm , and walked in , with Finn right behind her . The shutters were closed against the wind , so she turned on the lights . Dusk was coming fast . What he saw when she lit the lamps was a beautiful wood - paneled room . The wood was bleached , as were the floors , and the furniture was stark and simple . She had redone the couches a few years before because they were so worn . The fabrics were the pale blue of a summer sky , the curtains were a simple muslin , there were hooked rugs , plain New England furniture , a stone fireplace , and her photographs were all over the walls . It had a stark simplicity and unpretentiousness that made it easy to be there , particularly in the summer , with the breeze coming off the ocean , sand on the floor , and everyone going barefoot . It was the perfect beach house , and Finn immediately responded to it with a warm smile . It was the kind of house every child should spend a summer in , and Hope had , and so had her daughter . There was a big country kitchen , with a round antique table , and blue and white tiles on the walls that had been there since the house was built . The place looked lived in and well worn , and more important , much loved . " I 'm glad you like it , " Hope said , looking happy . " I would have been sad if you didn 't . " They went outside together then to open the shutters , and when they came back in , the view of Cape Cod Bay at sunset was spectacular . He wanted to go for a walk on the beach , but it was too late and too cold . They had brought groceries with them , which they had bought in Wellfleet , and unpacked them together . It felt like playing house and she looked happy . She hadn 't done that in years , and with Finn , she loved it . Then he went out to get their suitcases and she told him where to put them . He walked upstairs to their bedrooms , set them down , and looked around . Hope 's photos hung in every room , and there were a lot of old photographs of her with her parents , and Mimi with her and Paul . It was a real family summer home that spanned generations and warmed hearts . " I wish I had had a house like this when I was growing up , " Finn said as he strode back into the kitchen , his hair still disheveled by the wind , which only made him look more handsome . " My parents had a very stuffy , boring place in Southampton , which I never liked . It was full of antiques and things I wasn 't allowed to touch . It wasn 't like being at the beach . This is the real deal . " " Yes , it is . " She smiled at him . " I love that about it too . That 's why I keep it . I don 't get here often enough anymore , but I love it when I do . " There were too many memories and friendly ghosts here for her to ever give it up . " It 's not fancy , but that 's what I love about it . It 's fantastic in the summer . As a kid , I spent all my time on the beach , and so did Mimi . I still do . " She was making a salad as she said it to him , and they were going to make steaks on the grill . The kitchen appliances were modern and functional , and often in summer they barbecued , but it was too cold to do that now . Finn set the table , and lit a fire . And a little while later , he made the steaks , and she warmed some soup and French bread they 'd bought at the store . They set some French cheeses on a platter , and when they sat down at the kitchen table , it was a hearty meal . Finn opened a bottle of red wine he 'd bought , and they each had a glass . It was a perfect dinner in the cozy house , and then they sat in front of the fire , telling stories of their respective childhoods . Hers had been simple and wholesome in New Hampshire , near the Dartmouth campus , since her father was an English literature professor there . Her mother had been a talented artist , and her childhood had been happy , despite the fact that she was an only child . She said it had never bothered her not to have siblings . She had had a great time with her parents and their friends , and was included at everything they did . She spent a lot of her time visiting her father at his office on the campus . He had been devastated when she decided to go to Brown instead , as a seventeen - year - old freshman , but they had a better photography department . It was where she ultimately met Paul . She met him at nineteen , and married him at twenty - one , when he was thirty - seven . She said that both her parents had died within the first few years she was married . It was a huge loss to her . Her father died of a heart attack , and within a year , her mother of cancer . She couldn 't live without him . " See what I mean ? " Finn commented . " That 's what I meant by fusion . It 's what real relationships should be , but it can be a dangerous thing sometimes , if things don 't work out in a relationship , or one of the partners dies . Like Siamese twins , one can 't survive without the other . " It still didn 't seem like a good thing to Hope , particularly citing her mother 's untimely death as an example . Hope had no desire to be anyone 's Siamese twin , but she didn 't comment . She knew he loved the theory , but she didn 't . And for her , it had been a hard blow to lose both parents so close together . She had inherited the Cape Cod house from them , and sold their old Victorian near Dartmouth . She said that she still had all her mother 's paintings in storage . They were good , but not quite her style , although she clearly had talent , and occasionally taught a class at Dartmouth , but she had no interest in teaching , unlike Hope 's father , who was gifted , much loved , and deeply respected at the school for all the years he taught there . " I think my mother always felt she married beneath her . She had a broken engagement before that to a duke in Ireland . He was killed in a riding accident , and shortly after that , she married my father and went to New York with him , where he had a very substantial practice , but her family was much fancier than his , and she always lorded it over him . I think she missed having a title , since her father was an earl , and she would have been a duchess if her fianc & # 233 ; hadn 't died . " She always had frail health when I was little , so I didn 't see a lot of her . I always had some young girl taking care of me , whom they brought over from Ireland , while my mother had the vapors and went to parties , and complained about my father . The home I have in Ireland now originally belonged to her great - grandfather , and I think it would have made her happy that it is back in the family now . It means a lot to me because of it . " My father was always very disappointed that I didn 't want to be a doctor like him , but it just wasn 't for me . He made an excellent living and always supported my mother handsomely , but it was never quite enough for her . He wasn 't titled , and she hated living in New York . I 'm not sure they were ever very happy , although they were discreet about it . I never saw them fighting , but there was a distinct chill in our Park Avenue apartment , which my mother hated , because it wasn 't Ireland , although our home was beautiful and filled with antiques . She just wasn 't a happy woman . And now that I live there , I can see why . The Irish are a special breed , they love their country , their hills , their houses , their history , even their pubs . I 'm not sure you can take an Irish person away and have them be happy somewhere else . They pine for their own country , and it must be in the genes , because the minute I walked into my great - great - grandfather 's house , I knew I was home . It was as though it had been waiting for me all my life . I knew it the minute I saw it . " My parents died fairly young too , in a road accident together . I think if she had lived , and my father hadn 't , she 'd have gone back to Ireland then . It was all she waited for during all the years of their married life in New York . I suppose she loved my father , in her own way , but she wanted to go home . So I did it for her . " He smiled sadly . " I hope you come and visit me there , Hope . It 's the most beautiful place on earth . You can walk in the hills for hours , amid the wildflowers , without ever seeing a soul . The Irish are an odd combination of soulful , solitary , and then wildly gregarious in the pubs . I think that 's how I am , sometimes I just need to be alone , and at other times I love being around people , and having fun . At home , I 'm either locked up , writing , or having a good laugh in the local pub . " " It sounds like a good life , " Hope said , nestled in beside him on the couch , as the fire died slowly . It had been a lovely evening , and she felt wonderfully comfortable with him , as though they had known each other for years . She liked hearing the stories of his childhood , and his parents , although it sounded lonely in some ways . His mother didn 't sound like a happy person , and his father had been busy all the time with his patients , and neither of them seemed to have had much time for him . He said it was why he had started writing , and was a voracious reader as a child and young man . Reading , and eventually writing , was his escape from an essentially lonely childhood , despite their very comfortable Park Avenue life . Her far simpler life had been much happier with her own parents in New Hampshire and Cape Cod . Finn and Hope had both married young , so they had that in common . They were both artistic in different fields . They were both only children , and their own children were only two years apart , so they had become parents at roughly the same time . And for very different reasons , their marriages had failed . Hers for complicated reasons , and his officially when his wife died , but he readily admitted that his marriage to Michael 's mother had never really worked , and probably would have ended in divorce if she hadn 't died , which was traumatic for him and their child . Finn said she was totally narcissistic , beautiful , and spoiled , and essentially badly behaved . She had cheated on him several times . He had been enamored with her beauty as a young man , and then overwhelmed by what it entailed . There was a lot of common ground between Finn and Hope , in many ways , although their marriages had been different , and his son was still alive . But there were many common points , and they were nearly the same age , only two years apart . When the fire finally went out , she turned off the lights , and they walked upstairs . He had already found his bedroom when he brought the bags up and had seen hers . She had a small double bed in the cozy room that had been her parents ' , and the bed always felt too big for her now without Paul . The one in the room Finn was staying in was so small that Hope looked embarrassed and said that maybe they should trade , although hers didn 't look big enough for him either . " I 'll be fine , " he reassured her , and tenderly kissed her goodnight . And then they each disappeared into their rooms . She was in bed five minutes later in a heavy cashmere nightgown with socks , and she laughed when Finn called out a last goodnight in the small house . " Sweet dreams , " she shouted back , and turned over in the dark , thinking of him . They had known each other for so little time , but she had never felt so close to anyone in her life . For a minute , she wondered if his fusion theory was correct , but she didn 't want it to be . She wanted to believe that they could love each other , but keep their distinct lives , personalities , and talents intact . That still felt right to her . Thinking about him , she was awake for a long time . She was remembering the things he had said about his childhood and how lonely it sounded to her . She wondered if that was why he was so anxious to be part of someone else . His mother didn 't sound like much of one to her . And it was interesting to think that while he said that his mother was beautiful and dissatisfied , he had married a woman who was also beautiful and selfish and hadn 't been a good mother to their son . It was odd how , in some cases , history repeated itself , and people re - created the same miseries that had tormented them as children . She wondered if perhaps he had tried to get a different ending to the same story , and hadn 't succeeded in the end . " No , some hairy paramedic will give me mouth to mouth , and I 'll have to knee him in the groin . How about a kiss ? " She moved into the room and sat down on the narrow bed that had once been hers , and he took her in his arms and kissed her . " I miss you , " he whispered . He laughed out loud . " In this bed ? Now , that would be a contortionist 's act I 'd like to see you do . That isn 't what I had in mind . " There was a long silence , and he didn 't push . He had promised that they would sleep in separate rooms and not have sex , and he was determined to keep his word , although he would have preferred otherwise , and she felt foolish now for suggesting it . " Something like that , " he said gently , " but it 's up to you , my love . I 'm happy to sleep here , if that 's what you want . As long as you take me to a chiropractor tomorrow , so he can fix my back . " She laughed again , and pulled the covers off him unceremoniously , as he sat up . " Come on . Let 's be grown up . " She held out a hand to him and led him to her room , and he didn 't object . But he had left the choice up to her . Without commenting on it further , they both climbed into her bed , and as they lay side by side in the small double bed , he took her in his arms . Finn and Hope 's days at Cape Cod were magical . They woke up late in the morning , made love before they got up . He cooked breakfast for her , and they bundled up and went for long walks on the beach . When they got back , Finn lit a fire in the living room . They spent hours reading , and she took photographs of him . They made love again in the afternoon , cooked together , slept together , talked for hours about everything that mattered to them . She had never spent as much time with anyone in her life . She found boxes of old photographs of Mimi and her parents , and went through all of them with him . They went to local restaurants and ate lobster , with butter dripping down their chins , laughing at each other in ridiculous gigantic paper bibs , and she took pictures of him that way too . She asked a waiter to take a photograph of them together , and Finn got briefly annoyed and jokingly accused her of flirting with the waiter , which she wasn 't . It was almost like a honeymoon . They stayed for a week , and finally , regretfully , they closed the house . Finn latched the shutters , and they drove back to New York . This time , he didn 't stay at the Mercer , he moved into the loft with her . It felt perfectly natural to her now . She was totally at ease with him . They went to his publishing event the night they got back , and this time he was the center of attention , and she quietly took photographs of him from a distance , smiling softly , and every now and then their eyes would meet across the room . She was proud of him as she watched him , and he was equally proud to have her with him . The only heartache they were facing was that he was going back to Dublin soon . " I don 't know . I have an assignment , shooting an actor in L . A . the first week in February . After that , I 'm fairly free . " " Of course not . " She was startled by his reaction and the question . " He 's a subject , not a boyfriend . I never go out with the people I shoot . " And then she laughed as she said it , given what had happened with him . " You 're the first , " she reassured him . " And the last , " she promised , as she leaned over to kiss him . " How do I know that 's true ? " He looked upset and worried , and it touched her . Paul had never been jealous , but Finn clearly was . He had made a comment about one of the waiters at a restaurant at the Cape , and accused her half - jokingly of flirting with him , which of course she wasn 't . She laughed at Finn , and he apologized . It made her feel very young and desirable that he would even worry about it , but she only had eyes for Finn . " Because I say so , silly , " she said , and kissed him again . " I suppose I could fly to Dublin from L . A . , after that . Can I fly to Dublin , or do I have to change planes in London ? " She was already figuring out the dates in her head . " I 'll tell him that I 'm madly in love with a fabulous man in Ireland , and he doesn 't have a chance . " She was still smiling , as Finn continued to look at her nervously . It was true . Once they started sleeping with each other , all of her reserve fell away , her guard went down , she trusted him completely , and her heart was his . They had talked about how quickly it had all happened between them , and how much in love they both were . It was what the French called a " coup de foudre , " a bolt of lightning that had hit them , and he pointed out regularly that there was no turning back now . He said he was irreversibly in love with her , and she was equally in love with him . Hope had come to the conclusion that at their age , those things happened , they knew who they were and what they wanted , what had gone wrong in past lifetimes , and they both felt certain that this was forever , even though she felt it was soon to tell anyone . They had been in love with each other for just over a month , and Hope had never been as sure of anything in her life as she was of her love for him , and Finn felt the same . They both knew it was for real , and agreed that it was the best thing that had ever happened to them . Finn promised to check out the flights for her the next day , and as it turned out , there was a flight to Dublin from L . A . He stayed in New York for another week and they had a wonderful time together . She thought of introducing him to Mark Webber , but decided it was premature . No one would understand how certain they were of each other this early . It was easier not to have to defend it , and just enjoy it privately . And Finn wanted to be alone with her anyway before he left . He said he didn 't want anyone taking up their time , which was infinitely precious as the days flew by until he was to leave . He looked mournful the morning she helped him pack his suitcase . He was miserable about leaving , and still nervous about her photo shoot with Rod Beames . He kept bringing it up , and Hope was beginning to feel silly reassuring him . But since they had met and fallen in love with each other after her assignment to shoot him , he was worried about all her portrait sittings now . She reassured him again and again . And they made love before they left for the airport . She had never made love as often in her life as they had in the past weeks . They had vaguely discussed marriage , although not in hard and fast terms . It really was too early , but they had both confirmed that the concept was not distasteful to either of them . Finn didn 't care what it took , or how they did it , he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her . And she was beginning to think the same thing , although she wasn 't sure she needed marriage to do it . She was already more or less living with him , and would be in Ireland as well . And he had shocked her by bringing up the subject of a baby . He said he wanted to try having one with her . She had gently told him that the project would probably need considerable intervention and assistance , and she didn 't feel ready to take that on , at least not yet . She wanted to discuss it later , after they 'd been together for longer , but somewhere deep within her , although it sounded crazy , the idea had some appeal . Particularly when she looked at the photographs of Mimi and remembered how adorable she 'd been as a baby . The idea of having a child with Finn was scary , but dazzling . And thinking about it made her feel young again . He insisted that they could do it at their ages , others had , including several of his friends . He was pushing hard for the idea , but had agreed to wait at least a couple of months before they discussed it again . He was silent on the way to the airport and held her in his arms in the limousine . They kissed and whispered , and he promised to call her the minute he arrived . He was taking the night flight , and would arrive too late for him to call her , but it would be morning for him . " I 'll get the house ready for you , " he promised . He said he had a lot of cleaning up to do , and he needed to get the furnace man in , so the part of the house they lived in wouldn 't be freezing cold . He told her to bring a lot of sweaters and warm jackets , and good solid shoes to walk in the hills . It would be early February when she got there , so it would be rainy and cold . She had promised to stay with him for a month , and was looking forward to it . He had to write in March anyway , and she had assignments set up in New York , so she couldn 't stay longer than that . But a month would be a great start , and allow her to settle in . They had just spent four weeks together in New York . Leaving each other at the airport was like ripping a limb off for both of them . She had never been as attached to anyone , and certainly not this quickly , except Mimi , but not even Paul . Her relationship with Paul , when she met him , had been far more measured and started more slowly , particularly since she was a student then , and he was so much older . He had been very cautious about not moving too quickly . Finn had none of those concerns , and had leaped in with both feet . But at their age , it made more sense . Both of them knew people who had fallen in love in their forties , realized they 'd met " the right one " quickly , married within months , and had been happy ever since . But they both knew that it would still be hard to explain to others . They had fallen madly in love and decided to spend their lives together , in a month . And Hope was determined not to say anything to Paul yet . She didn 't want to upset him , and had no idea how he 'd react . She had been alone for so long , and so accessible to him whenever he wanted , even if it wasn 't often , she somehow had a sense that he might be unnerved by her being involved with someone . But she thought that once they met , he and Finn could be good friends . Finn had expressed no jealousy about him yet , which seemed a very good thing . Hope would have been bothered by it if he had . Paul was very important to her , and she loved him deeply , in a pure way now , and knew she always would , for however long he lived , which she hoped would be a long time . She had talked to him once in January , and he was still on his boat then , sailing toward St . Bart 's . She never mentioned Finn . And Paul could get her on her cell phone anywhere in the world , so even when she was in Ireland , he could call her , and she didn 't need to tell him where she was , unless she chose to when he called . But she wanted to be discreet for now .

Welcome to Randi 's Adventures . I 'm just a Mom who loves Jesus , her husband , her kids and who has a passion for orphans . Jump in ! Join me in my adventure . . . and perhaps begin your own ! There is not much left to say . I head home today changed forever . I am already praying about returning in February . This trip will only be Ethiopia and will be 10 days long . Kari is leading the group , and I would love to be her co - leader . I want to come back to Korah . I want to hug Abenezer again . I want to love beyond my capacity and change lives forever . Dear Jesus , Thank you for this trip . Thank you for the new friends I have made . Burn their faces and stories into my mind forever . I pray others will be changed by my stories and that they will be willing to change a child 's life forever , too . We started the day driving to AHOPE Orphanage . They have around 50 kids who are HIV Positive . This experience was SO much better than the last HIV orphanage we visited . There were 2 different locations , on for ages 2 - 8 , and the other for ages 9 and up . My group went with the older kids and we played a game with the soccer ball , little Sally Walker , and I used a lot of my fingernail stickers . It was a bit rainy today , so we couldn 't do too much . I did get quite the workout , though , walking from one location to the other , literally uphill both ways … there was some downhill too , but in that altitude it was pretty exhausting ! ! It is really cool how God redirected our team over and over again . There were two orphanages that we were supposed to visit , but they didn 't work out . One of those , we arrived at the orphanage , but there were no children there . The gentleman who was there told us they were all in school . We left a few donations , but no cash . We found out later that there were no children and that it was a scam . Wow . God is good ! Last night Kari told us about a big surprise . No , it had nothing to do with slaughtering sheep , but it did have to do with Korah dump . They asked if 6 of our team would like to spend the night at the shelter with the Korah kids . There are 30 in our team , so I didn 't know if I would get to go , or even if I wanted to go . Project 61 is not in the dump , but is close enough to Korah to be able to smell the dump ! ! I told Kari that I would like to go ( even though I was a little bit terrified ! ! ) . She really wanted me to go , so that I could bring some donations to Sumer ( the American director of Project 61 - a cool story in itself ) . Kari was only planning to " tuck us in " then head back to the guest house . Well , it turned out we only had 5 of our team volunteer to spend the night there … so I volunteered Kari - ha ! She packed really quickly and told me she was pretty scared too ! We grabbed our bags , plus the sheets and pillows from our guest house beds and headed out the door . Our team said goodbye to us ( and I asked " Have you ever been going to the dump and you feel like you have forgotten something ? ! " ) . When we pulled up to the shelter , the kids were so excited ! ! There are only around 20 kids who actually live at the shelter . 150 are sponsored , but most of those either still live in the dump , or are living with others in Korah village . As I stepped out of the van , I saw my friend Abenezer from a few days before . He ran at me and gave me a HUGE hug . Then , embarrassed , he stepped back out of the way . We went into the shelter and were met with a warm welcome from the kids and were asked to sit down . They brought us popcorn ( the Ethiopian party food ) that tasted like kettle corn and had oreo - type cookies mixed in . They also started preparing for the coffee ceremony - which is offered anytime you have an important guest . We watched as the beans were roasted over a fire and ground then made into very strong coffee . I have had many cups of the thick - espresso type coffee offered in the coffee ceremony this week . IF you know me , you know that I only like coffee if it is half milk / half sugar and just a touch of coffee . When we visited Kids Kare orphanage , I couldn 't even get the tiny cup full down . The coffee the teen girls made at Korah , however , was excellent ! Still very strong , but not bitter . The best coffee ceremony coffee I have ever had . While we were eating , Abenezer kept shyly looking at me . I would smile , he would smile back and look away . Eventually a seat next to him opened up and I sat by him . Now the other day when I was at Korah , he was one of the 3 boys that I befriended . His English was not as good as Binyam 's so we didn 't talk much , when we did , one of the other boys would translate . The other boys weren 't there , so we didn 't talk much at first . He did tell me he was happy to see me . When I told Kari that this was my friend , he corrected me and said " No , brother " . I told him , yes , I was his sister . Later one of his friends asked if I was his sponsor , I told him no , that Abenezer already had a sponsor . Abenezer , leaned over and whispered in my ear " My sponsor has forgotten about me . I want you be my sponsor . " Apparently his sponsor is paying for his schooling , but has not sent letters or been in contact with him like some of his other friends . I told him that being his sister is better than being his sponsor . About that time , the teen girls came over to me and I knew exactly what they wanted . I had come prepared . I handed them my brush and sat down for over an hour of torture , I mean fun , while they braided my hair . I love to have my hair played with , so it was fun some of the time , but my goodness , they pulled it tight ! I had gotten a sunburn on my part a few days earlier , so there were definitely times where I could feel it ! ! After the hair party ( 2 of the other ladies had their hair " fixed " too ) , I finally had the chance to get back to my brother , Abenezer . By this time my photo album of my family and pics of Fowler was going around the room . Ab had seen it before , but started looking at the pics again . He studied every picture over and over again , memorizing the names and faces of my family . At one point he whispered to me that he wanted to be a pastor . He said he wanted to be a pastor because of me . Wow . I was overwhelmed . At around 11pm we started the movie " The Wild " ( I 'm thinking I need to buy them some other movies - not the greatest Disney has ever made , but the kids loved it ) . Ab sat by me and at one point put his arm through mine and put his head on my shoulder . This boy is broken . He had such a gentle spirit , was so timid , but wanted so much to be loved and cared for . I asked Sammy to tell me his story . Apparently a lady from the US was in the process of adopting a child and was out in the countryside outside of Addis . She saw 5 boys living on the street . She called Sammy to see if he could help them . He said he would and brought them to the shelter at Korah . The shelter / sponsorship program is only 5 months old . Ab is being sponsored so will be going to boarding school in one month . He does have a mother and some sisters back in the countryside , but they cannot afford to keep him or feed him . He does have friends at Korah , but his eyes just told me he was lost . Everyone kept joking with me , " So are you bringing any kids home from Africa ? " I don 't know . I do know I love this 15 year old boy . I know I need to do something , but not sure what I am supposed to do . He is adoptable , but we can 't afford that right now . I know he will be getting an education , but what he needs is love . They say this school is excellent , but it won 't be a family . Sumer said one of the options is to get the kids a Student Visa so they can come to school in the states . They could be here without being adopted , finish school , even go to college , but would eventually have to go back . I think they can even come to the stated on a student visa while you are going through the adoption process . I 'm not saying I am planning to do any of these things . I do know that God connected the two of us . I also know that I will not forget about him . I will send him letters and emails and continue to remind him that God has a plan for his life . That he is never alone . And that someone in America loves him very much . OK … so back to the sleepover . As the movie finished , we Americans were already nodding off . They brought two foam mattresses into the front room of the shelter , we put our sheets on them , then went to bed , praying that no creepy / crawlies would be joining us . There is no bathroom in the shelter , just an outhouse . Now , there is a western style toilet ( like we have in the US ) but it didn 't flush and it was S . T . I . N . K . Y . Kari and I went out to do our business and prayed that nothing would happen through the night that would make us have to rush out into the dark to use it again . We said our goodnights and smiled as we heard the girls giggling in the other room . I was amazed that these 7 girls , who less than 6 months ago , were literally sleeping on trash in the dump praying the hyenas wouldn 't eat them , were now in beds , in a house , laughing like teen girls at a sleepover . Overwhelming . I was feeling a little guilty that I was uncomfortable sleeping on a mattress on the floor when hundreds of kids were sleeping on trash not ½ mile away . Needless to say my perspective has been changed forever . I want to tell you just one story of a girl at the shelter . She is 17 years old . She was living in the Korah dump and was attacked and raped one night . 9 months later , she gave birth to a baby boy … in the dump . This girl is SO smart . I showed her my photo album when we were there a few days ago . As the photo album went around again that night , I heard her pointing out each of my kids , naming each of them . She carries around her baby boy , who is now 5 months old , and tells everyone about his new family . Her son is in the process of being adopted by an American family . She will be leaving for boarding school in a month . She is so brave . She loves Jesus . And she is willing to give up her son , so he can have a great life . Each of these kids has a story . A story filled with tragedy , abuse , malnutrition and sickness from eating from a garbage dump every day . But Sammy has given these kids a life , a hope , and a Savior . I was afraid to sleep at the Korah shelter . But these kids have faced more than I can imagine , and live with a sparkle in their eyes , and a hope for an Eternal Home that I rarely see in Americans . We decided last night that after the emotional day we had yesterday , we would start slow today . We had a late breakfast at 8 : 30 , then headed to New Life Orphanage at 10 : 00 . Or that was the plan . We , once again , drove around for quite a while ( did I mention the horrible fumes and exhaust from the busses - ugh ) . When we finally found the orphanage , Kari jumped out to meet the director , and guess what . They weren 't expecting us either . Actually , there weren 't even any kids there because they were at school . SOOO frustrating ! ! That was the only orphanage on our agenda for the day so Kari and our drivers talked for a while about Plan B . We stopped for a restroom break just outside the Ethiopia Museum and had our box lunch on the van . Bizrat ( one of our Ethiopian guides ) used to work for a street kid program and asked us if we wanted to go there . I think all of us were just asking God to show us where he wanted us to be today . We agreed to go , and were taken to Onesimus Child Development Association . This organization finds kids who are living on the streets with no family . They invite them into the program and give them clean clothes and food and teach them about Jesus . Some of their stories were amazing . We met Casey and Cameron who were American college students volunteering at the program this summer . We played games , sang , ate some popcorn and took lots of pictures . We actually had the chance to minister to kids - which is why we came to Africa in the first place ! ! God is good . We ate at Makush Italian restaurant and it was so good ! I ordered a large pizza , which was only about $ 4 . 00 . This was a very elegant restaurant with fine art hanging everywhere . Several of the team members purchased pieces to take home . When we arrived back at the guest house , Sammy from Korah gave his testimony . His father had leprosy and at the time , if you have that disease , your family thinks you are cursed and will kill you . He found out that his father told his older brothers to kill him and he ran away and ended up at the leper colony / hospital at Korah . That is where Sammy 's parents met and had him . He was raised in the dump , searching for food every day and literally starving . At age 12 he tried to join the army , but they laughed at him and sent him back to the dump . He was broken in spirit from being rejected over and over again in his life . When he was a teenager , a group from Young Life ventured into the dump and told him about Jesus . They read verses about Jesus healing the lepers and loving them , and that changed his life . Many of Sammy 's friends were sponsored and sent to boarding school but he was left behind , rejected again . He was so sad and asked God every night why he didn 't get to go . Less than a year ago , a girl named Sumer came to Ethiopia with Visiting Orphans ( the same itinerary we are on ) and God told her to come back and help these kids . Sammy and Sumer together have found sponsors for 150 kids in the past 5 months . They leave in one month ! ! God told Sammy , you did not get to go to school , so that hundreds of others will get the opportunity . He is so amazing and the kids just love him and Jesus ! What a great testimony ! ! Today was the most frustrating day of the trip so far . We should have left the Guest House at 9 : 00 am . The group split into three groups to visit 3 different orphanages . The first two groups left a little after nine , but our bus never showed . Finally one of the guys who worked at the guest house called someone else to pick us up . We finally left around 10 : 00 . Then , the driver had no idea where we were going so we were driving through Addis , usually behind big busses with exhaust flowing into our van , for about an hour . After getting lost on several occasions we finally made it to Kids Care . Our reception was not exactly warm and I felt that we were in the way . We didn 't really even get a tour , we just wandered around looking for kids . I finally found the school aged kids . 30 of them were crammed into a room about a fourth the size of one of our Fowler School classrooms . There was about enough room to walk between the tables , but that was it ! We handed out some bracelets and necklaces and suckers and some of the group tried to color , but there was just no room ! ! The staff made a coffee ceremony for us , then we were off . I 'm kind of glad we got there late , I didn 't really want to be in their way any longer than I already was ! We stopped at the Hilton and had a nice American style lunch in the courtyard . We did some shopping ( most of the stores were closed for lunch when we got there - lunch break being from 12 : 00 - 4 : 00 , now THAT is a lunch break ) . Next we headed to Mother Theresa 's HIV Orphanage . It was another hour or more drive through the city . We all had headaches from the car fumes and pollution by the time we got there . Kari went with one of the workers to talk to the nuns about our tour . We found out they had no idea we were coming and they had another group already there , and they didn 't really want another big group there at the same time . One of the other sisters said that since we were there , we should be able to stay . So we had a nun argument on our hands . We ended up getting a tour , but it wasn 't really what we wanted . There were over 400 kids at this orphanage , all infected with HIV . One poor little girl , Senait , wanted love so badly . She would hang on us and kiss on us , but had sores all over her body and her ear was bleeding . It was so hard to love on her , knowing that she had HIV and open sores . It was heartbreaking . She did nothing to deserve this disease , and she , along with all those other kids are outcasts from society . The spirit of this place was also very hopeless . Most of the places we visited were full of hope and joy and Jesus . I just didn 't feel that here . The staff seemed very cold to the kids ( now , the sisters I saw interacting with the kids were very kind ) . Keep in mind , we were only there for a short time , I have no right to say anything bad about the staff , I really was not there long enough to judge them . All I can do is compare it to Korah dump and Canaan 's and the spirit was not loving like it was in those homes . I cried for the first time on this trip when we left that place . I felt we wasted our time there because we didn 't have time to interact with the kids or to contribute anything . We left some donations , but really didn 't have the opportunity to minister to or love the kids . I felt like we were abandoning them . For the evening we went to our first Ethiopian Restaurant . I was so sad , and even sick , about leaving the HIV orphanage , I didn 't even want to eat . We all talked about the day and how frustrating it was and we all vented some of the emotions we were feeling . By the time the food arrived we were all feeling a little better , and the food was Amazing ! ! We even watched some Ethiopian dancers . One of them reminded me a lot of Tem ! So , the day ended well , but it will be a day I will not forget . Today we visited the Korah Dump . Last night Kari and I met with Sumer , one of the directors at Korah . She told us we would be splitting into 2 groups . One group would go on home visits while the other team would go visit the dump . Before she left she told us that the group before us paid for 6 sheep and fed the Korah kids a great meal with meat . Kari and I decided that was a great idea ! It would cost about 2500 birr ( around $ 200 ) for 6 sheep . There are 30 in our group , so we had everyone put in 100 birr ( less than $ 10 ) to feed all those kids . Kari and I didn 't tell the group what the " surprise " was that they were spending the 100 birr on . When we left the Guest House , we told them to be ready for the surprise . We stopped on the side of the road and watched as 6 sheep ( they looked like goats to me ) were chosen , bartered over and tied , them placed ( alive ) in the storage space under the bus ! ! They actually moved our luggage on top of the bus so the sheep could be placed underneath ! ! Some of the girls freaked out over how inhumane it was ! ! We drove to Korah and suddenly we realized the area looked very familiar . Kari said - this is where Zoie is from ! ! The paperwork at the clinic said Kore , but apparently they are the same place . Zoie would have lived in the Korah Dump had she not been adopted ! Wow . We arrived at Korah and the smell in the village was overwhelming . We were not in the dump yet , but in the village outside the dump . The people who live in the village are either outcasts , prostitutes , AIDS victims , or descendants of the leper colony who were banished there several generations ago . Project 61 was started by a guy named Sammy who found Jesus through an American youth group who came to visit Korah Dump , where he lived . He now spends his life teaching others about Jesus , making great relationships with the kids and helping them find sponsors to help them attend school so they can get out of the dump . These kids were incredible . They have nothing but Jesus , and are so happy . They love Sammy and many of them told me that Sammy told them about Jesus and is helping them go to school and on some occasions he even pays rent for them to live in a house ( shack ) instead of living in the dump under a tarp . Before starting our tours , we had the opportunity ( ? ) to see our newly purchased sheep be slaughtered . I watched , just to say I had seen the process that happens to make a meal in ET . I will say it was a bit messy . Judson , one of the guys in our group , actually helped slaughter the 2nd sheep . The Ethiopian men held the sheep and showed him where to cut . He did it , but it took a bit longer than when the ET men did it - ha ! ! I met three amazing boys at Korah . Benyam , Abanezer and another whose name I can 't quite figure out . They are all three teenagers and already have sponsors . They are 15 and 16 years old , but are only in the 7th and 8th grades because they are orphans and didn 't have anyone to pay for their schooling . Thanks to Sammy and Project 61 , they leave for boarding school in a month to finish their education . These boys are so sweet ( they wouldn 't even let me carry my water bottle , and when we were walking through town they were making sure I stayed on the dry parts - which were rare ) and so smart . Benyam spoke fantastic English and will be an excellent student . If it wasn 't for Project 61 and Sammy , he would be forced to dig through trash for a living and would probably end up having kids who would have the same life . Now he has a future to look forward to . At boarding school , he will live , eat and attend school in a great Christian environment and will have amazing opportunities . The tour of the dump itself was indescribable . The dump is miles wide and is literally a mountain of trash . There is grass and other plant life growing , but it is growing out of the generations of trash upon trash . 10 , 000 people live in the dump and 40 , 000 live in Korah - the village outside the dump . There were sad looking dogs , pigs and people living there . The women would collect plastic , metal and other recyclable materials to sell so they can buy food . Many just eat from the dump trucks . They know exactly where each truck comes from . They know which trucks are from the Embassy , which are from the airlines and so on . So , they know which ones will have good food . It is , again , completely indescribable how these people live every day . And again , the children and teenagers I met there were so friendly and would give you a smile and a wave if you only acknowledged that they existed and treated them like a human instead of more trash . Unbelievable . After our tour we walked a few miles to the place where the kids play soccer . We walked through the village of the poorest of the poor , along a rocky , muddy and slippery path until we reached a valley . As we stepped out of the village the most beautiful valley appeared below us . There were huge trees that created a canopy above a well - worn dirt field where the kids could play football ( soccer ) . It was a bit difficult to maneuver your soccer ball between the trees , but it was a great place . To the north of the soccer field was a river . Since it is the rainy season , the river was very full and running very fast . Unfortunately , 3 of our newly donated soccer balls ended up falling down the cliff into the river and disappearing . Hopefully some child downriver will find a present waiting for them in the water ! ! Finally , we had to say our goodbyes . I will be praying for my 3 friends as they go to boarding school . Even if I do get to come back in February , they will be in boarding school , so not sure if or when I will get to see them again . We came back to the Guest House ( and removed our very muddy and very stinky shoes ) and relaxed for a bit before dinner . Actually , the guest house offers one free massage per visit , so I had scheduled mine for 6pm . I will admit , after spending the day at the dump , I felt more than a little guilty being pampered when I knew that many of my new friends were curling up to sleep on a pile of trash or in a small tin house . I don 't think my perspective will ever be the same . One of my favorite moments of the day was when we were handing out the food to the kids . I sat with my boys as they ate ( we had eaten rice in the bus ) . Benyam turned to me and said " I 'm sorry - you have no food - you eat " and he offered to share his food with me . I ate one bite of injera with Shiro , but told him I had already eaten and that he needed to eat his food himself . Can you imagine ? Someone with nothing ( and who knows how long it had been since he had eaten a full meal ) offering his food to me . Amazing . We did find out later that they had prepared a large platter of Ethiopian food for us as well . I will admit , I really enjoyed eating Ethiopian food in a small concrete room , sitting on small stools , eating food with my hands that our team had purchased for these kids . Again , indescribable . As we were eating another teenage boy told me that he thought " Forenge " people were blessed by God and he wished his skin was the color of mine . It about broke my heart . I told him that in America , people have a lot of money , cars , and things , but many times they are not happy . I told him that I love the Ethiopian people , because even though they may not have big houses , or lots of money , they are so happy because they have Jesus living in them and that is all they need . Cynthia , one of my teammates , said she was walking with one of the boys through the village and was asking him about his life . He said he had no mother or father , but was one of the sponsored children at Project 61 . She asked him where his home was and she pointed around to the different areas of the town . He shook his head no , and pointed up . He said my home is there , in Heaven . Wow . We woke up way too early today , had breakfast and split into two groups . Most of the group went to the bank and shopping at the " post office " ( a market for tourists ) . Kari , Veet , Joe and Carrie , Dee Dee and I went to search for ( my BFF Kari 's Daughter ) Zoie 's birth mom . It was quite an exciting adventure ! We first stopped at the police station where they thought she was dropped off . We found that it was not the right one . Next we went to a clinic where Zoie 's mom had taken her for her vaccinations . We spent several hours trying to research to see if maybe Zoie was born there . We did find her name on the vaccination records , but not on the birth records . The doctors and midwives were so friendly and helpful . After that dead end , we went to the area where the vaccination report listed their address ( they don 't have actual addresses in most of Ethiopia , just districts ) . We found her old neighborhood , and drove around for a while . Eventually we went to the Ethiopian Orthodox Church . This is where women in trouble go to find help . We got out of the van to take pictures and were suddenly surrounded by people wondering what the " Ferenge " ( white people ) were doing in their neighborhood . There were several older boys ( probably 20 - 25 years old ) who came over to talk to me . I tried to explain what we were doing , and then showed them the photo album of our family . As we were leaving they asked to have their photo taken . I will post that later . Unfortunately , the church , was a dead end for the search , but Kari loved seeing the neighborhood where Zoie 's birth mom lived . We are still praying that we will find her before we leave . And if not now , maybe when Kari ( and I ? ? ) return in Feb . We stopped at a bank to change money , then went to visit the Fistula Hospital . We were able to give each of these ladies a bag with several gifts ( candy , a bead cross necklace , fingernail polish and other goodies ) . They were so excited . When we walked back by at the end , we could see the ladies clutching their precious bags to their chests . If you have not seen the movie " A Walk to Beautiful " you need to watch it . It explains this place better than I could . These women have been rejected by their husbands , their friends and their families after miscarrying babies and developing a fistula which makes them smell bad . These women are treated like yesterday 's garbage . The fact that the people at this hospital can not only heal them physically but make them feel whole again is amazing ! ! After fistula hospital , we went to Kaldi 's for coffee . I had a Pepsi instead ( I wanted a Carmel Macchiato , but they were out of carmel ) . It started raining just as we left . We went back to the Guest House for the night , had our showers and crashed . At about 9 : 30 we started teaching Sunday School . We split into groups and Veet , Kari Hamilton and I taught the Jr High aged kids . We started with the Name Game , and the kids loved it . We started our lesson on the Fruits of the Spirit and handed out Jolly Rancher candies for them to eat while we taught . We found out they already knew about the Fruits of the Spirit and had the entire verse with the reference memorized ! ! Oh well ! At 10 : 30 we ate a quick brunch then said our goodbyes to our new friends . We were on the road by 11 : 00 for the 3 hour ride to Entebbe Airport . By the time we reached Addis Ababa , Ethiopia , it was late and we didn 't get to bed until after midnight . The Guest House where we are staying is so nice ! ! We are still staying bunk style with three to a room and one bathroom for every 9 people , but at least we have consistent hot water and don 't have to worry about enormous beetles running through your shower ! ! I have a confession to make . When I found out about this trip , I was SO excited to go back to Ethiopia . I had no idea what Uganda would be like , but thought I could make the best of it while I waited for week 2 to Ethiopia . I tell you , I have fallen in love with this country and it 's children . We visited 3 orphanages , 1 baby cottage and a feeding program . All three of the orphanages planned a concert for our welcome . Tonight at Canaan 's Children 's Home , which has been our home for five days , we received another amazing gift . The children performed for over an hour , singing " You are welcome here " , " God bless our visitors " and telling us over and over again how much they loved us . Pastor Isaac told us that our group was different than any other group that has been here . He even got pretty emotional talking about our leaving . I really hope to come back here someday . This experience in Jinja has really been the adventure I was hoping for . Today we made the 10 minute walk from Canaan 's Children 's home to the place where Katie Davis does her Amazima ministry . We were walking through some of the poorest parts of Uganda . Walking ! ! ! On one side of the street you would see children in rags yelling " Hello Muzungu ! ! " On the other side of the street would be more children in rags … if they weren 't yelling at us , they were running to us with open arms ! They would grab whatever hand was available and walk with us for about a mile before turning around , saying " Bye , bye Muzungu " and going home . There were chickens and their chicks just walking along the road , an occasional cow , ladies washing clothes in old tin tubs - bent in half at the waist , peanuts drying in the sun , old men and women with no teeth , staring as we walked by . Oh , and by the way , this is no nice paved road . There are parts of this orange dirt road that are so washed out there is only 3 - 4 feet of usable road available for the Boda - bodas ( motorcycle taxis which are Everywhere ! ! Several of our team rented a boda - boda for the trip to Katie 's … but I was too scared ! ! ) . I don 't have the words to describe the sights and smells I saw the 4 times I went up and down that road today . Poverty as real as it gets . And you can 't believe how many children there were ! ! We read yesterday that 47 % of Ugandans want to use birth control but can 't afford it . Wow . So , I finally met Katie Davis . If you have not read her blog , you Must ! ! Just Google Kisses From Katie . You will be amazed at her story . We had probably 240 kids at the feeding ministry today . We met and interviewed Pastor Patrick and Katie . I may post these later , but I know they will be on my friend Kari 's blog - My Crazy Adoption . Katie was what I was expecting … just a great girl who is being the hands and feet of Jesus . What I wasn 't expecting was the blessing of meeting her staff ! Pastor Patrick and his brother just broke my heart with their love for these poverty stricken children . They are amazing men . We hugged and held hands and played with the kids for the morning . At about 12 : 00 they started their Bible Study . They have a great leader , who reminded me of every other great Children 's Pastor I have known . He told the story of Gideon with the kids ' interaction and play acting . It was great ! At 1 , the kids got in a very orderly line by age , and each got one hardboiled egg to eat while they waited for lunch . Again , they got into their orderly lines and each got a plate with chicken , beans and rice . When they left that afternoon , they each received a bag with rice , beans , ( something else ) and soap for their families . This happens every Saturday . They still need sponsors - as do most of the kids in each of the programs I have visited this trip . If God is asking you to do something about any of these stories - please let me know . I can help you sponsor a child and I guarantee all the money will go to the children . I have met and fallen in love with these leaders and have full confidence in their integrity . Many of them have given up comfortable lives of their own to care for these fatherless children . This evening we went to King Fisher Resort ( the same place we went to visit the Nile ) for dinner . We invited Pastor Isaac , his wife Rebecca , Pastor Patrick , the 4 staff ladies who cleaned our rooms and did our laundry , and our Muslim Bus Driver - Abus ( yes , he drove the bus and his name was A - bus - ha ! ! ! ) . I don 't think Rebecca and Isaac had been out for dinner for 2 years ! ! Rebecca is always cooking for the children at Canaan 's ! ! You should have seen the kids ' faces when we pulled out of the compound with their " Mama and Father " ! They seemed Very concerned ! ! ! Dinner was great , but not as good as Rebecca 's cooking ! When we were driving from the restaurant back home at dusk , I just tried to take everything in . My last night in Uganda . What an amazing country and amazing people . I tried to memorize the smells , the sights , and the touch of the rainy season air . Again , I really hope I can come back to Canaan 's again someday . We came back to the compound , dropped off our things , then met in the outdoor chapel where the kids , once again , had prepared our farewell concert . What an incredible time . Some of the children were already crying about our departure . We told them we may be leaving , but they will always be in our hearts . First of all , did you know that Uganda has bats ? There were LOTS and lots of bats , big bats , and little bats . They are not just nocturnal , we have seen them out in huge groups ( flocks ? Herds ? Gaggles ? What do you call a group of bats ? ) even in the middle of the day . I can hear them squeaking outside my window right now ! ! OK , so day four . We had breakfast at 9 , then headed to the bank to exchange more money if needed . There is a very large bridge and dam in Jinja that not long ago , a group of terrorists tried to bomb . They took pics of the bridge then sent the pics to their leaders to plan the attack . The plan was thwarted , but from that point on no photos were allowed on the bridge . There are armed guards on each side plus video cameras that can see inside the vehicles that drive by . We were told by Pastor Isaac to put all cameras away about a block before the bridge . One of our team members had his camera on the seat between him and another person . Our bus was stopped by that armed guard and we were accused of taking pictures ! ! Pretty scary . But , our hero Pastor Isaac insisted " No ! ! ! " several times , and they eventually let us go . Definitely an exciting event ! ! Next , we went to the market and an internet café . It was 2000 shillings per hour to use the internet . That is less than $ 1 . 00 for an hour of internet ! ! There were 28 of us there , plus several other " Muzungus " and only 8 computers so I only got on for 10 minutes to update my status and send Shane a note . The rest of the time I spent sitting at a table with Pastor Isaac talking about my family and our dreams for the future and hearing this very wise man speak . His testimony is more than incredible . In the 1990s , during Sadaam Hussein 's reign , he was shot by the Muslims along with 25 other Christian pastors and assumed dead . He was shot in his arm instead of his heart and thrown into a pile of other bodies in the forest . His miraculous story of survival during Christian persecution is just amazing . What a hero . I hope to bring home a brochure with his story to share with you . After the internet café , we went for too short a time to Amani Baby Cottage . This is a home for children from birth to 5 years old . The facility was spotless ! ! We arrived while the kids were eating lunch and they were SOOO cute ! We started in the toddler room and every time someone would pull out a camera they would say " cheeeeeeeeeese ! " You could tell these kids were loved by their nannies and felt safe and secure . There were an adorable set of 5 month old twin girls , Mary and Martha , whose mother died of malaria 5 days after they were born . They were so beautiful ! ! I also learned that international adoption in Uganda is becoming more and more of a possibility . Laws are changing and these babies may soon have a chance to go from loving orphanages to loving homes ! ! By the way , I have a picture of the hundreds of baby things on the line outside . If I ever complain about laundry again , just show me that picture ! ! Unbelievable . On a side note , it is really amazing the differences in each of the orphan homes we have visited . You can tell the difference between those who live in the loving orphanages , and the kids who are just from the communities attending school there . There is love and respect given by the kids who have seen love and respect modeled to them . Even between the loving orphanages there is truly a different spirit in each ! All good , but so very different . After heading back to Canaan 's for lunch ( did I mention we got to live at this orphanage for 5 days ! ! ) we split into several groups . Some went back to the Baby Cottage , some stayed to rest , others went with the big boys to play soccer with one of their new soccer balls and the rest of us went to town again and back to the internet café . I was smart enough to bring my laptop this time and was able to spend 45 minutes updating my blog . We saw Katie from Amazima at the internet café and it felt like I was seeing a celebrity ! ! We did not get to go to Amazima tonight , but we will be helping with her feeding ministry tomorrow . We came back to the orphanage for a while in the afternoon and had a ball making balloon hats for the kids , blowing bubbles and just hugging on whatever child happened to be closest to us . At one point we sprayed them all with silly string . I don 't think they got it = ha ! ! Kari asked me to go with her to make a couple of videos for her blog and we walked to a few different locations to get the shots . As we finished it was time for the younger kids to head to bed ( ages 4 - 10 or so ) . We carried and walked the kids to their dorm and they began their evening " prayers " . I asked if I could videotape this and they agreed . Instead of the circle of prayer with heads bowed , they started singing … . and singing and singing and singing ! ! I have the video , and you must watch it ! What a great way to end your day ! ! We ate dinner then split up into groups . We will be running Sunday School on Sunday and we each had a team for a certain age group . I am with the jr high age groups and we plan to talk about the fruits of the spirit ( the others had the idea too , I wasn 't just copying the Colombia team ! ! ! ) We talked for a bit , but will come up with the rest of the plan tomorrow evening . It is almost midnight and I need to get some sleep . I have gone to sleep with the sounds of the Muslim mosque ( which sounds more like a dance club ) in the distance and the occasional squeaking of bats . And awake each morning to the sound of children chanting their lessons right outside my window . " Good morning , teacher how are you … good morning teacher how are you ? . . . " also the ABC 's and sometimes things I just can 't make out . An incredible alarm clock to hear happy children outside your window ! Good night everyone ! ! Love to you all ! ! ! I have written this blog a thousand times in my mind . It is brilliant each time . Now , as I am putting the words to paper ( or computer scr . . .

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Search Her doctor advised Chriztine she could use change of environment . Perhaps her body would acclimate better and the unexpected lapses of unconscious would improve ? She worried about these lapses . The lapses had started after she had had a big operation , two years earlier . The actual surgical operation had gone well , but her heart had stopped during surgery for a minute or two . The doctors had got it going and they thought there wouldn 't be any complications . Everyone was surprised when the fainting started . The first time it happened she was still at the hospital and it lasted just for a few seconds . It hadn 't been noticed because they had expected her to be a little weak . The second bout was the first time when she tried to walk after the operation . The next time was about a half year later when she was told that she been out for about five minutes . The time between the lapses shortened and she was out for longer and longer periods . Chriz had questioned the doctors for answers . It was scary because she often couldn 't say what caused the fainting spells . Another thing that seemed weird was that she often was totally back to normal with in a minute , like it hadn 't happened . The doctors hadn 't found anything that could explain it . The only thing they could like it to was narcolepsy ( when a person suddenly fell into deep sleep when their stress increases ) . When the doctor said that she needed a change of environment Chriz decided to accept an invitation she got from some friends she 'd met on the Internet . They had asked her if she wanted to come to a magnificent place they often visited and lived in . Chriz could come and stay a while and whilst she hadn 't thought she would be able to travel so soon , she took the opportunity when her doctor put her on a sick - list and suggested travel . So she took the chance and contacted Michelle , and was greeted her warmly . Arthur ran to the hotel to see if any of his brothers were there . He could only see Michelle behind the desk so he turned on his heels and ran towards the Tavern . It was usual for one of them to be there , and he needed some help . As he burst inside , he saw that Sid and Hando sitting at the bar . He sighed ; they were the last two he wanted to find . He was hoping he 'd find John , Maximus or Cort . Arthur hesitated , wondering if he dare ask for help . It was still wet after days of raining and he couldn 't leave the girl lying in the ditch . He started to walk slowly towards them , wishing that some of the others had been at the Tavern . He looked into the booths and up the stairs , but was out of luck . He had to ask them ! Arthur hesitated and swallowed before he blurted it out . " I need help . A sheila is lying in a ditch up the road and I can 't move her by myself . She doesn 't look good at all . " Sid and Hando got up from their chairs and started to walk towards the door . Arthur took another look around to see if John had shown up . If they couldn 't wake her up , he would know what to do . Arthur had to hurry to keep up with them as they walked briskly towards the ditch . When they reached her , he saw that the girl was in the same position as she was in when he left her . She was lying on her stomach , half way down in the ditch . Her clothes were sopping wet from the heavily rained grass . Hando shoved her with his foot but didn 't get any reaction . She looked a very good - looking Sheila with long legs , a perfect ass and long blond hair . He wondered if that was her natural colour . He didn 't recognize her ; she was new around these parts . Sid bent over , careful to not get his precious suit dirty , and turned her over . He 'd never seen her before and he thought he knew all the girls . He always introduced himself to every new girl that came to the Crowe 's Point . She looked like a girl he could fancy and he liked the look of her clothes . But he would have to wait until after that his girlfriend got home , but that had never stopped him having fun with the ladies . He watched her chest moving as she breathed and knew she was alive . Why didn 't she react to being moved ? Together they got her up . She was quite tall and not so easy to carry . Arthur looked round but couldn 't see any bag or suitcase , not even a handbag . There was nothing that might give any clue as to who she was . They took her to the Tavern and after some argument ; they decided to put her in Hando 's room . Sid would like her in his room , but he didn 't dare risk the wrath of his girlfriend . When they put her on the bed and she was still out cold . Arthur was sent to fetch the doctor . Sid started to undress her gently , making sure her nice clothes wouldn 't get any more creased or ruined . He checked the pockets for clues as to who she was , but he found nothing . It was a mystery . He didn 't recognize the clothing tags , but saw they were very good quality , and they needed to be cleaned . Hando wasn 't much help and couldn 't help staring at her . She looked like the ultimate perfect girl . A girl that would be approved for the Arian race , even if he hadn 't seen the colour of her eyes . Her skin was light so she would probably have green or blue eyes . It had been some time since he had experienced these kinds of thoughts . Here at the Point he had worked to be more open - minded . He had some of the others to thank for not going crazy and had not missed the gang . But the girl that layed in his bed was a real good - looking Sheila and he could go for her . Sid started to take her shoes off . He thought she had very big feet and it couldn 't be easy to find comfortable shoes . He untied her trousers . They were beige and made of cotton . He had to lift her hips to pull them down . She wasn 't only long legged ; her legs were in a perfect shape . He stroked his hand down after her leg , stopping awhile at her feet . If Hando hadn 't been there , he would have given into his urge to kiss her . He continued to stroke her up inside her leg . He stopped before Hando could say anything . Instead , he started to get her jacket and the blouse off her . They seemed more difficult to remove . After he had undone the buttons he brought her to a sitting position . Her arms hung limp and heavy , and her head slumped on his shoulder . It was lucky that he took off both the jacket and the blouse at the same time because he could not have managed the same procedure twice . He felt her breast through her thin camisole . The camisole seemed to be made of silk and it felt wonderful under his fingers . He couldn 't contain himself and put his hand over one of her breast . A thrilling feeling crept through his body , but he wanted her conscious . He wanted to see and feel the reactions . He was amazed that she still didn 't show any reactions because he had to roll her forward and back to remove her clothing . He thought she could be drunk , but could detect no smell of alcohol on her breath . Her face had some lines on it . That was also something else he would get know about . This Sheila was a mystery and he was going to enjoy finding out about her . Chriztine could not believe that she wasn 't dreaming . She could not work out what had happened , too tired to open her eyes . She had to know what was happening . Chriz felt like a rag doll that had been thrown in a heap . She tried to work to back to the real world . Whilst she fought for her consciousness , she felt someone undress her and stroke her . That only made her try harder to come around . She knew that she was perfectly able to take her own clothes off when she was a wake . Her anger and agitation rose . Chriztine 's frustration grew because she hated the times when she lapsed . It was terrifying that she couldn 't control over it or herself . And now , someone , maybe some creep , was taking her cloths off and there wasn 't a damn thing she could do except feel his hands moving over her body ! Finally , she was able to wake up and see who it was . The first thing Chriz saw was the blue suit the man was wearing . She looked into his blue / green eyes . She thought she recognized them , but couldn 't place when or where she seen them . Had she meet him before ? Somehow she didn 't think so . He was really close to her and his hands were on her camisole so Chriz reacted by trying to keep it pulled down . She absolutely didn 't want to expose herself . Something in her said " not for him " . He looked into her blue eyes and stopped what he was doing . Perhaps he could tell she didn 't know where she was and that she was scared and confused . He let go of her camisole , but he looked as if he definitely wanted to keep undressing her . Chriztine stared at him , and deep inside she knew that she should stay away from him . Somehow , she knew he wasn 't a nice guy , a picture about death hung close to him . She forced herself to break the spell and started too look around her . Chriz was lying in a bed that smelled of male cologne , could it be his ? The room was fastidious and neat , and she didn 't recognize it . She was very sure that she hadn 't been there before . It was scary . It was one of the rare times she had woken up and didn 't recognize where she was . Chriz remembered were she 'd been before she became unconscious . Was she on the way to somewhere ? Chriz thought something had happened , was it with her car ? Something she was sure about was that she been in a forest so she had to be in the countryside now . As Chriztine looked around the room , she detected small things , that didn 't fit into the room . Ornaments , small flags , some knives and guns seemed to come from Nazi Germany . They frightened her more than the man next to her . Those things stood for destruction , repression , and death . She tried to avoid the people involved with such things . One reason was because of their intolerance for her kind of people . She knew Nazi 's didn 't accept them . Chriz felt that she wanted to get away as fast as she could , but she couldn 't see her clothes . She looked at the guy closest to her and thought he was not the kind of man who would be a Nazi skinhead , not the way he was dressed . Chriztine looked around to see where the other voice came from . For the first time she saw that there was another person standing close to a door which looked like it lead to another room . Her eyes had acclimatized to the light and she saw another guy , the one who answered , the one who must be named Hando . Her heart jumped and she almost fainted . Chriz couldn 't remain silent and heard herself scream . Chriz thought it was a nightmare . Where was she ? She would never set foot in any sort of house where Nazis lived . What had happened ? Why whas she there and why was this man undressing her ? Chriz pulled the sheet up around her and jumped off the bed . She was going to stay there for one more minute ! She tripped when she saw them and almost fell on the skinhead . Chriz took several clumsy steps and hid behind the two new men as she made for the door . She had to get out of there , she could be there ! " What did we do ? We didn 't do nothing ! Shit , Arthur rushed into the bar , getting us to come out and save this sheila , " Hando waved towards the door and continued . " It was still wet where she was laying and she looked half dead so we brought her here . We were trying to help her ! " Sid had woken up from his trance and added , " Hando 's telling the truth . We haven 't done anything to her . I started to undress her because she shouldn 't have the wet clothes on her . We were really concerned about her . Something seemed to be very wrong with her . ' Hando quickly glanced out the window . He had seen how Sid had stroked her and had wanted to do the same himself . He left it to Sid to get out of his own situation . " Fuck you ! Can 't any of you think anything other than bad things about me ! ? No , I didn 't touch her . I just tried to get the wet clothes off her . I also tried to find anything that could tell us who she is or maybe why she was unconscious . Believe it or not , I was concerned about her ! Don 't you think I know when something is wrong ? If she was alright she would have woken up while we were carrying her up here . It isn 't normal and it would have been alright if she had woken up on the way . " " Calm down both of you , " said Dr Anthony as he held up his hands . " If that 's correct , there is something that she doesn 't like . I think we have to go forward very slowly with her and I suggest you two stay away from her until we know who she is and why she reacted as she did , especially you Hando . Arthur , can you find her and take her to your room so I can check her . Sid , where are her clothes ? " Sid pointed at a folded pile on the floor . They looked dirty and creased . The guys did as Dr Anthony told them to do . Arthur walked after her into the hallway where she had stopped and was looking back and forth . Chrizine didn 't recognize the hall either and knew she was lost . She looked both to the right and left , trying to see which way she should take but she stood there clueless . She really wanted to get out of the house . It was a strange place , she noted as she stood there in a long corridor with several doors . She thought it must be a very large house or some sort of hotel . Before she could decide which way to go , she heard someone clearing his throat . Chriz turned , hoping it wasn 't either of the first to men . The man who stood there was the younger one that had come into the room after she had screamed . He didn 't look terrifying , rather he looked shy and harmless . The surroundings didn 't seem to have affected him either , she might be able to trust him . Chriz was certain that she had seen him before . He resembled both of the other two , so she reasoned that he had to be related to them . " Oh my God ! ? Are you alright ? What happened to you ? I didn 't know what I should believe when I found you in the ditch . God , it 's like you suddenly just came alive ! You shocked the hell out of us ! Here please , let me help you . " She said thanks and took the hand he offered to her . Finally she found her voice and whispered ; " I 'm Chriztine . " She felt kind of shaky so it was a welcome relief to have someone to lean against . " By the way … Hi , I 'm Arthur Baskin , we can 't stand here in the hallway . Follow me and we will get you some clothes , and Dr Anthony would like to come and check you out . " The room they entered looked totally different from the first one . This one was painted in a light blue color , the furniture was faded and wooden . Chriz associated it with the style of the 50 's . This room was big but included the bed in one corner . He seemed to have it in perfect condition . In the opposite corner stood a brown bookshelf with details in black , it also had a desk where a computer stood and everything looked to be in exactly the spot that it should be . The sofa and an armchair were in some horrible brown color , in front of it stood a kidney shaped table in teak . To save the wallpaper around the bed , there was a cover of rattan . On the floor lay a long pile rug . He had some pictures on the walls and some of them looked like religious icons . Chriz went into the bathroom and found a towel before she got into the shower . Maybe it would wake her up more and get rid of Hando 's smell . She dropped the sheet and wouldn 't touch it again . She didn 't see any soap so she satisfied herself with his shower cream , and it didn 't bother her it was for a male . Afterwards , she felt better and as Arthur had told her , he had put some clothes outside the door . Chriz looked at them and tried not to chuckle . He had given her a shirt , a cardigan and a pair of trousers with sewn creases . They looked as if they come from the 50 's too . What was it with this guy who seemed to love that era so ? But he looked nice . The clothes weren 't too big , the trousers were just in the right length , she knew that she had long legs and was tall . The shirt and cardigan were a few size bigger , she was glad they were because she knew that she was broad - shouldered , and now it wouldn 't look so obvious . She thought Arthur was so cute . When Chriz came out , the doctor had arrived . " Okay , you have come to a place called Crowe 's Point . People usually don 't come here if they aren 't invited or aren 't connected with the guys here . Do you have any memory of coming here ? " She closed her eyes and it went several minutes before she answered . " Yes , and I think I was invited here . But I thought I was somewhere else after I saw the first … Oh no ! Why didn 't I recognize him ? I must have insulted Hando ! " " Then you know about it and who Hando is . I don 't think you insulted him , only surprised him with you reaction . Is there anything you would like to tell me ? " Chriz looked at Arthur , and placed him from " Love in Limbo " and she didn 't want to say anything while he was there , so she shook her head . Now that she knew where she was she could place the first guy too , it was Sid 6 . 7 and her feelings told her that she should keep her guard up around him . Some of her memories come back of what she been doing before she fell . She was on her way here and something had happened to her car . Chriz thought she had started to walk to get some help when she had got the bout . Dr Anthony had seen her look at Arthur and asked him to go down and fix something to eat and not come back for half an hour . He wanted to check her out so it wasn 't any problem with her . After Arthur asked her if she wanted anything special he went out . Chriz was glad he left and she was still not sure if she felt up for being examined , but thought it might be best if she allowed him . Anthony started to ask some questions , such as if it had happened before and if she visited any doctor regularly . He listened to her heart and breathing , and looked her into her eyes . He couldn 't find anything unusual . He told her that she looked very healthy . " I 'm kind of dizzy but I think something happened to my car and it 's probably somewhere around where they must found me . My things would be in my car . Do you think anyone can get it here ? " " I will see to it that your car is taken care of . I would recommend you to take it easy the rest of the day , even if it feels like you are okay . If you start feel queasy don 't hesitate to visit me and if there is anything you want to talk about you are welcome in my office . " Arthur had brought some food for himself too and we sat in his kitchen and started to eat . There was an awkward silence and they couldn 't find anything to say . Chriz was kind of shy with strangers and she still felt shaken from the rude awakening she gotten . Arthur seemed as if he wasn 't used to being with girls either . So finding anything to talk about wasn 't easy . They looked at each other when both didn 't think the other was looking . Later , when both of them were about to take the jug of fruit juice , their hands touched and they both withdrew , suddenly pushing the jug over instead and the juice started to pour out on the floor . Chriz reacted by trying to save some of it and Arthur did the same so they smacked into each other 's foreheads . It must have looked funny and Chriz thought it was so comical that she couldn 't do anything but laugh . Her laugh became contagious and Arthur began to laugh too . They managed to save so much that they got a half a glass each . Arthur jumped up and took a rag to get the juice from the floor . The incident seemed to solve the tension between them . After she had helped him and stood up , she did so too quickly and the blood rushed down from her head to her feet . Chriz began to faint . Arthur saw it , and caught her before she fell to the floor . He led her to his bed where she lay down . He went back to the kitchen to finish the last of the mopping , then he came back and kept her company . Chriz thought it was nice of the boys to carry her things up to the room that was made for her at the Hotel . Arthur had followed her there and she was happy that they didn 't meet anyone . She was still shaken from the meeting with Sid and Hando . She hoped it would be a long time before she bumped into them again . She didn 't want to try to explain her behaviour to them and hoped that they might forget it . She was grateful to Arthur for going out of his way to make her feel welcome , and that was all she could cope with at that time . Chriz needed to take the time to take in her surroundings and get used to the place . She felt everything was moving too fast with the awakening she had . Chriztine or Chriz as he 'd been allowed to call her , seemed shy and unused to being in a crowd , so Arthur understood her need to spend her her first night at the Crowe 's Point alone in her room . He had felt the same way , and he lived there ! Of course , she also had been through the experience of having Sid and Hando as the first people she met . Arthur wouldn 't have whished that experience on anyone , but having found her in the wet ditch , he hadn 't had much of a choice . Now that he had known her for a few hours he found that he already had special feeling for her . Could this mean that they had the connection that the boyz and their girls were talking about ? He envied John , Maximus , Bud , Cort , Jeff , and Colin . He even envied Sid and Hando , but he would never admit that part out loud . This was a new experience for Arthur . He 'd never felt anything like this before , a warm tingling through his body . It was a special feeling he never thought he would experience for any girl . He had always resigned himself to being lonely . He was at a loss as to how he should handle this , it scared him . At the same time he found the emotions he was feeling very interesting . Unfortunately he didn 't feel close enough to any of his brothers to speak with them about how he was feeling . Arthur suddenly jumped as someone cleared his throat behind him . He hadn 't realized where he was walking , and found himself in the garden below the hotel . He turned to find Hando standing there . After giving Hando the information he fled quickly into his office . He was glad to see some paperwork waiting for his attention . It would take his mind off things . Chriztine 's curiosity took over hand and she had to check the rooms , because when Arthur and she had entered , she had seen that it was two . The first one was a combined living room and kitchen . To the left was the bedroom , where you also come into the bathroom . The combined living room / kitchen was white or in a light color ; when she got closer she saw it was light , light green . It was furnishing with a dark bookshelf on the wall to the bedroom . It held a stereo , video , DVD and a TV . A few books , CD and tapes were standing in it , but there was a lot of space that could be filled . In front of it was a glass table and a black leather sofa . A bench stands as a partition off the kitchen area . It was a small table and two chairs except the stove , kitchen sink and refrigerator . The bedroom had a yellow tapestry and a fluffy bed . In one corner stood a wardrobe and a drawer . She was very glad that wasn 't any mirror there , it would be enough with that in the bathroom . To her joy she saw that the bathroom contained a bathtub . It was really nice rooms that she thought she would love to stay in . It was so much her ; little amazing she thought . When she was standing there she saw Arthur walking in the garden . It looked like he was in his own thoughts , because he didn 't see the other person standing under one of the trees . The person was standing so still that even she 'd missed him first . When he gave his announcement Arthur jumped and Chriz almost did the same when she saw who the person was - it was Hando . They were to far away so she couldn 't hear what was said between them . From Arthur 's expression , she understood that Hando had asked something he didn 't want to answer , but was too afraid not to . She felt sorry for Arthur and understood how he felt . She 'd also run from Hando as she saw Arthur do the next second . She quickly went into the room , when Hando 's attention turned to where she was . When Hando found out which room the sheila was in , it was easy to pick out her window and balcony . After Arthur 's hasty departure he turned his gaze in her direction . He saw that she was watching his ' little chat ' with Arthur , but turned away when she saw him look in her direction . There was no way he was going to stay away from her , not a good looking sheila like she was . But he would have to go slowly to win her , not scare her away . He really wanted her . He was at a loose end for a few days before his girl arrived for the 7th April party . Should he wait until after ? Chriz pulled all the curtains for the windows , she didn 't want anyone to be able to see in . She was glad that they were made of a heavy fabric which darkened the room . She took her suitcase , put it on the bed and began unpack her clothes . After Chriz had hung everything up , she took her toilet bag and went into the bathroom and started to fill the bathtub . Maybe a long relaxing bath could ease the tension that she was still feeling . She poured some marigold and lavender and soon the scent was in the whole room . While the tub was filling she went out to put some music on . She went through the CD 's and to her big surprise she found a rare CD she never thought she would see anywhere else than in her own collection . Chriztine just adored Cameron Daddo 's voice and had always loved to have him on when she lay in the bath . Maybe it was something special with Aussie guy 's . Back in the bathroom , she took off Arthur 's clothes and folded them , she would give them back the next day and didn 't want them to be crumpled . It was nice to sink down in the water . First Chriz just lay there and took in the moment . After a song or two she started to scrub herself . Then she inspected her legs and decided it could wait until morning to shave them . She lay there stroking herself , along her legs , hips and stomach . Her hands lingered on her breasts . They were in a good shape . Much better than they where before . They had been too big and didn 't make her proportions right . It felt good and she was very pleased with her body , it still felt new for her . The doctors had done a very fine job and it wasn 't anything she regretted . She would do it hundred times again . Everything was better than the body she was born with . Chriz admired herself for a while , then took her nail file and started to fix her nails . One was broken and needed extra care . The nail polish was damage too so she removed it so she could replace it when she got up from the bath . She felt she needed to relax , and soothe her shattered nerves back in place . When the new nail polish was dry she went to the bed and sunk down in it . She felt like a princess in the fluffy comforter , or it was more like she was the ugly duckling . She was on the way home and walked the same way she always did . When she had reached the park two blocks away from their apartment a gang of skinheads had appeared . Immediately she knew there would be a problem . She recognized a few of them , they were in the same school so they would know who she was . They had been worse and worse lately dogged her every movement . She increased the speed of her walk and she tried to ignore them , but they were determined to give her a lesson . She managed to get an arm free and quickly punched the skinhead as hard as she could . She got up and took a few steps but fell . And all went black . Sometime near the morning Chriztine woke up and found herself laying on the floor in the living room . She had the comforter wrapped around her . She manages to role out of it and crawl back to the bed . Next time Chriztine woke up - it felt better , she still had the bump in her head and her hand was just little tender . There was no bruising , so she thought probably hit it against the floor when she fell . She lay in the bed and tried to decide what she wanted to do . She was there on vacation and planned to be there at least three weeks , so she would have time to learn to know the people there . Today she first thought she would look around the place , see how it looked like . She would also walk over to the Tavern to give Arthur his clothes back and ask if he knew where her clothes were . Chriztine was also thinking of what happened yesterday . Apart from the rude awakening , she liked it so far . Arthur seemed to be a good lad and in a way she felt that they were alike - both odd and shy in their own way . He 'd really helped her to feel better and it had been fun when they accidentally pushed the juice can . She smiled at the memory . Arthur looked real cute , even more when he blushed . When she was laying there and thinking of him she felt that they could be real good friends . When they both got over their shyness they worked well together . Being the same age helped with their friendship . She preferred him to either Hando or Sid , the very thought of them sent shivers throughout her entire body . Hopefully she would find the Point big enough to enable her to avoid them during her visit . When Chriz thought about it she wasn 't certain which one of the incarnations it could be . When she thought of who she had learnt about first , her thoughts became blurred . She knew that she had seen several films without thinking how good looking the creator was . It was after her first operation that she had really gotten into his films and learnt that he was raised in Australia . After that she was hooked . Subsequently she had to see all films she could get a hand of and a few of then spoke more to her than the others . It was at least three that she always comes back to . Chriz and her friends had a real go over one , which they quite often watched , might it be him ? She liked him in that semi - longed hair , when it curled . Or could it be any of the others she had fallen for more ? It hadn 't been the first film she seen , but after the first time she had come back to it very often . Maybe it was that the guy reminded her about her cousin . That had made that she come to love the character . He seemed so kind and was looking so good . He also seemed to be a person that was very easy to talk to . She would very much be with him , but know at the same time it would be small chance it would happen . It wasn 't only that she thought he already be with someone . When he was like her cousin he wouldn 't look at her direction . The third guy she could think of and hope for would be in the same age - early twenties and a good guy . Protective of the girl he choose and jealous . Whoever it ended up to be , Chriz knew that she would not make the first move , she was too shy for that . Chriz didn 't want to rush things and wanted things to happen as and when they should . She got up from the comfy bed . Put her robe on her and went to the window and glanced out . It looked like it was going to be a beautiful day so a walk in the area would be a perfect thing to spend the day . After she started the stereo she went to the bathroom for her morning ritual . She always began with her medication . She wished she hadn 't needed too take it , but without it her metabolism wouldn 't work . Then she shaved and picked away the hair that she definitely didn 't want . After that she rubbed her body with lotion to stop her from drying out . Chriz concluded with her make up . She liked what she saw in the mirror . One hour had passed by the time she was ready to call down to the reception to ask about getting breakfast . Michelle , answered and told her there should be a list beside the phone with numbers so she could call directly to the kitchen and then someone would bring the order up for her . Chriz had missed the list , but saw it now so she said thanks . It didn 't take long after Chriz had talked with Anabella in the kitchen before there was a knock on the door . She opened the door and to her surprise it was a guy that hadn 't the facial similarities with the boyz . She had been holding her breath to meet any new of them . The guy looked good , he was blond like herself maybe little darker . He was taller and had a well fitted body . She thought he must give the boyz a good competition among the girls . Rick mentioned a few places that sounded interesting , so it would probably be a long walk . Chriz asked if it would be possible to arrange to pick up a packed lunch to take with her . He would take care of it and she could come and get it when she went out . Meanwhile in one of the rooms above the tavern one of the guys stood in front of the mirror studying his face . The girl really did manage to hit him hard at the cheekbone . She was strong . The bruise was a clear proof of that . He thought he 'd managed to not scare her , but she was so apprehensive and he hadn 't been watchful . It happened too quickly . He couldn 't decide if he should try to hide it or not . It would hopefully disappear in a day or two . Since Arthur had brought him to her , he couldn 't get her out of his mind . She looked so perfect and mysterious at the same time . He thought she was a hot girl and he wanted her . The picture he saw of her laying there in the bed , with her long , blond hair floating over the pillow made his groin get hard . Chriz was walking in the margin of the wood when she looked down to the beach and saw someone there . She stayed hidden behind the trees and watched , making sure she couldn 't be seen . As the figure came closer she could see it was a man , but couldn 't work out if it was one of the boyz or not . She kept very still , unwilling to let the man know of her presence . The man was kicking about in the sand as if anger . As he came closer to Chriz she saw who it was - suddenly she no longer needed to decide where she should continue her walk . The beach was out of the question at the moment . It was too soon for her to meet with Hando again . Andy was standing behind the bar drying some glasses when Sid came down the stairs . He didn 't look like his ordinary self and it took awhile before Andy had figured out what was different about him . Sid wearing one of his blue suits and his hair was perfect as always . First Andy thought it had to be that Sid 's eyes looked exhilarated , even if that wasn 't unusual , it was a long time since he had looked like that . Hando was walking around kicking every stone in the sand he came across . He still hadn 't worked out how to get closer to the new Sheila . He both felt the big urge to take her and follow Dr . Anthony advice to stay away from her . She was so fucking beautiful and looked so fragile in some weird way . After her reaction yesterday he really didn 't want to scare her more . But if he didn 't approach her he wouldn 't be able to get to know her . At the same time he didn 't think he would get to know why she had reacted the way she did . He hadn 't seen her in the morning and she had left the curtains closed at the window . When he was on the beach watching the shore a shiver went down his back . He felt as though he was being watched . He turned around , but when he couldn 't see anyone he just continued cursing and kicking . Hando whished that maybe she would come to the Tavern in the evening . She would be rested and relaxed and hopefully he would be able to get closer to her without her screaming at the sight of him . If that didn 't work , he would make sure he was the one that returned her cleaned clothes to her . Arthur 's heart was pounding . Every time he found himself thinking about Chriztine he could feel his pulse racing . He really wished that she would have no more confrontations with Sid or Hando . He regretted that he had asked them for help . He really wanted to spare her from it , but then he hadn 't seen any other option to get help with her . Now when he had seen Sid 's look and heard the end of his and Andy 's conversation he feared the worst . What had he started ? It was bad enough that Hando was watching them yesterday . He decided he had to make certain that he was always around to make sure she was never alone with either Sid or Hando . Both Dominic and Johnny were cursing over Chriz 's car . The new cars were almost impossible to fix with all the computer components on board . With no authorized car repair shop with the right equipment at the Point , it looked as if they were going to have to get the car repaired outside . They had tried everything they could to get the car going with no luck . " Well , you 're the mechanic mate , and we 've checked everything we could think of , so maybe we 'd better ask Colin . If he can 't fix it we 'll have to make a call outside . Do you know how long the girl is staying ? " There weren 't any people around and even the lobby was empty so Chriz went up to her room . She felt that she was hungry again , but she couldn 't decide whether to eat downstairs , at the tavern or have something sent up to her room . As she was thinking about it she checked in the mirror and refreshed her make up . Just as she had decided to call the front desk the phone rang . Chriz froze , who knew the number ? She hadn 't given it to anyone . She let it ring several times before she reached out and picked up the receiver . " Hi Arthur , I 'm feeling fine . I was just thinking about coming to find you . I wanted to return your clothes and thank you for lending them to me . " The boyz that were in the tavern noticed Arthur when he passed for the Hotel . They raised their eye brows because they couldn 't help noticing that he had put a lot effort into his appearance . He had a suit on him and a colored tie . His hair was water comb parted in a side . A few of them started to mumble and wonder what had happened . The only time they saw him dressed up like this was at a party or very special occasion . The next one wasn 't due for four days , so he was a little early . None of them were well up with the gossip about the arrival of the new girl yesterday . They had all only heard up bits and pieces . Arthur 's heart was beating fit to burst . But he was on the way to Chriztine . She had accepted his invitation to have dinner with him in her room , and he was bubbling over in high spirits . He couldn 't believe that she 'd been thinking of him , even if it only had been to bring his clothes back . He never imagined she would want to see him again and thought it may be time to strengthen their friendship . Arthur hoped there was something that was starting to building between them . That it really could be his turn to get someone to care about . Chriztine was wearing a long skirt , a blue blouse and had her hair hanging loose . She was a vision he would love to see everyday . He was amazed that she didn 't wish to meet any of the others guys as it was usual for most girls to want to meet the better known brothers . He was too shy to ask her why and could only hope that she would tell him when she was ready . Arthur took the tray to the table and started to lay out the food . He had ordered a complete dinner with starter , main dish and a dessert . He hadn 't been sure if she drank any wine so he also brought a pitcher with juice and some coffee . He laid the rose beside the plate where he hoped she would sit . Chriz sat down where he had hoped . She lifted the rose to her nose and took in the scent . When she had put it between their plates she said , " Thanks Arthur , but you didn 't need to put so much effort just for dinner . " Chriz saw that was a large dinner and as the starter he had chosen scallop on a bed of pasta and garlic sauce . First she had looked suspicious at it but she took the fork and tasted a bite . It wasn 't so bad so she would eat it . She didn 't feel too much like wine so she has some juice . She asked Arthur what sort of fish it was . The scallop was followed by a steak with a salad . She actually drank some of the red wine with her steak . Both she and Arthur were a little uneasy and fell into silence several times . Blushing when they made eye contact . Chriz liked him and wanted to be his friend . She knew there were several things she would need to tell him sometime in the future , but having made the same mistake before , she knew it might be best to wait until he knew her for the person she is now . She had spilled the beans too soon many times before and didn 't want to jeopardize their embryo relationship by speaking too soon . Arthur caught himself to giggling a lot because he was so nervous . He was really trying to handle the situation and wished that he had more experience with girls so he knew how to entertain her . He had listened to the stories his brothers had told him about their dates and dinners , but it was difficult to put the theory into practice . Not having many friends . Arthur spent most of his time either reading books or watching films and TV , so he couldn 't help noticing a book that Chriz had left on the partition , and asked what it was . He thought he recognized it . Chriz told Arthur she loved the part of the book where Jack had to wear a bear skin while he and Stephen were fleeing through France on their way to Stephens castle in Spain when the war between England and France began . She said it would have been fun to see that in the film . They discussed the way Patrick O ' Brian had described the people and settings . Also the way Jack was so different on land and sea . The way his human side was shown , and how even though he was a master of the sea , on land he was lost a lot of the time . They ate their dessert on the sofa followed by coffee for Arthur while Chriz had juice . Chriztine put on some soft background music . They spoke of many different things to try to get to know each other a little more . Arthur talked mainly about his life at the Point , while Chriz just scraped the surface of her personal life , spending more time explaining to Arthur what life was like in Sweden , and describing the countryside around her home . Arthur walked to his room with a smile on his face . The evening had been one of the greatest he 'd spent at the point . Chriztine was everything he was looking for in a girl . She was nice , and easy on the eye , and they seemed so alike . He was really looking forward to the next few weeks knowing that she would be there . Chriz had told him that she had taken a month 's vacation time and she planned to spend most of it at the point . She had mention that after walking round during the day she realised what a big place it was , so she was sure that she would find plenty of things to do and see during her visit . Arthur agreed that there were a lot to discover there . He wasn 't sure he knew every corner himself . He thought to himself that it would be wonderful to be the one to show Chriz some of the places , but he would first need to speak with Michelle to arrange some free time to do it . He really hadn 't counted on finding a girl that was interested in HIM , so he usually spent a lot of his time working . He realised though , that with the party coming up on Monday he would have to wait until after to take some time for himself . It was quiet at the tavern . It was Thursday and he thought that most people were waiting until Monday to arrive . Arthur was thankful for that as it meant that his brothers wouldn 't ask him awkward questions or start tease him . Arthur was certain that it wasn 't only his feelings that were in a whirl . It had to be some tentacles reaching in there because of the creator 's upcoming wedding . He thanks both him and God for that way that he felt his life was about to change . Finally Chriztine was alone . It had seemed that Arthur was never going to leave her room . He hadn 't been happy when he had first seen Arthur go over to the Hotel . It got worse when he heard the dinner order being placed . Why would they be having dinner together ? He wasn 't happy to have to wait longer … Sid had been hanging around all day trying to get to talk to the new girl . Luck was against him and he kept missing the opportunity . She didn 't seem to visit the Tavern or the restaurant in the Hotel . No - one he asked had seen her either , so all he could do was keep an eye on Arthur . Thanks to that he found out she was in her room . He didn 't want to let anyone know what he was up to , so he had to wait until he knew she was alone again . He was glad that the day had been quite warm and dry because he had planted himself down in a spot in the garden to enable him to watch both the windows and the path . He was grateful that he hadn 't been seen as was feeling a little guilty at leaving Lady alone . It didn 't help that he 'd eat lunch and dinner with her to keep her quiet . He had thanked his lucky stars when she and some of the others had decided to have a ' girlie night ' which left him to play as he pleased . During the day and the long hours of waiting in the evening , he 'd had a lot of time to think . He had found it easier to plot following the slap he had taken from her . The voices in his head weren 't all battling to be heard at once . He was sure no - one would think he wanted to get anywhere near her . If he didn 't get up to the Hotel he would follow Dr Anthony 's advice to stay away from her . No - one could ban him from the Tavern without good cause , so if she showed up it would just look like a coincidence that he was there as well and confronted her . When she hadn 't turned up by eleven he went up to his room . He wished that he was on the side that had a view of the Hotel from the windows . Instead he comforted himself by lying on the bed and sniffed his pillow that still held a hint of her fragrance . After Arthur had left , Chriztine made certain that she locked her door . She then drew the curtains and switched off the lights . Even though she was tired that she couldn 't stop yawning , she made certain that she removed all make up and make the others night tasks . When she was in bed her thoughts returned to Arthur . He was a nice guy and she liked him . He wasn 't bad looking either , but there wasn 't that attraction that she needed to tell her she could fall in love with him . There had to be someone else at the point that had brought her there , but who ? She was lying there waiting for him , all too blistering . He would just have a pair of satin boxers on ready for her to remove . In the background an exciting symphony would be playing and he would move towards her in time to it ready to continue his seduction . He would take his time leaving her wet in anticipation of his entry . To start with he would allow her to keep on the silky satin camisole and panties . He would reach out for her foot and kiss each toe in turn , adding feather light strokes along her legs . She would lay there watching him , the desire in her eyes turning them a shade of blue to match the deep ocean . He would kiss on up past her knees , across her thighs , and finally reached where she wanted him to be , but instead of diving in , he would kiss her lips and neck , working back down to his ultimate desire . She would have to wait for the goodies he had in store for her . She would be fully with him in that game and knew if only she could hold on , it would all be worth waiting for . He would nestle his hand in her long blond hair , smell her fragrance , kiss her ears and whisper the kinds of words that would make her writhe under him . He would once again reach her mouth and they would kiss for an eternity . Sid had to open his eyes , it was all playing out too clearly for him . He was so hard it was the most painful fantasy he could ever have if he couldn 't go any further . He thought wickedly that if he couldn 't have Chriztine , there was still Lady , and she had never refused him yet . Chriztine 's second night seemed to be calmer , but after a few hours she started to dream . This time she wasn 't in her native city , but she recognised where she was . She must have seen it before somewhere . Chriz went into the mall and headed towards one of the shops . As she was walking , she felt that she was being watched . It was the middle of the day and the place was crowded , so the watcher would be able to stay well hidden . She had to pass a TV store , and when she looked in the window , she noticed that most of the sets showed the same image , it was the people walking past the store . Chriz saw herself and hurried past . Just before the store was out of her view , she thought she saw a glimpse of something purple . Chriz continued to the lingerie store . She had decided it was time to add to her wardrobe . There were a lot to choose from , but she finally decided on some lace panties and some beautiful satin camisoles . She loved the way the fabric felt against her skin . Even while she was in the store she couldn 't shake the feeling that she was being watched . She began to feel very uncomfortable . She spun round to see if there was anyone there , but found nothing out of the ordinary . She went to one of the fitting rooms to try on her choices . She undressed and began to model the garments . She had just put on a pair of black panties and contrasting camisole , turning to see the effect in the mirror , when all the light went out . As there was no window , Chriz was left in total darkness . The next thing she knew , she felt a pair of hands travel over her body and someones breath washing against her neck . This was not something Chriz wanted to happening to her , so she turned round and managed to scratch the intruder with her long nails . She knew she had made a lucky strike as she could feel the blood and skin under her nails . She took advantage of her surprise attack and while her intruder was still stunned , she grabbed her clothes and ran from the store . Chriztine had been lying there and seemed to be waiting for him , as he had hoped for . She was his beautiful blond doll . Sid stood watching her sleep . He understood by her tiny movements that she was in the throes of a dream . It seemed to be making her warm as she had pushed the covers away from her to one side of the bed . She lay there dressed in her panties and blue satin camisole . Sid could no longer restrain himself , so he went towards her and started to stroke her body , just as he had in his earlier fantasy as he waited to enter her room . He hadn 't counted on her reaction . As quick as a leopard , she turned to defend herself , her long sharp nails cutting deeply across his face . Sid jumped back , pressing his hand over his injured chin , and fled from her room . Again he had failed to have her , and her reactions had been faster than his . He cursed himself for allowing her to go to his head . He had gone into the corridor , being careful to lock the outer door so she wouldn 't suspect that anyone had been in her room . He headed down into the lobby and behind the reception desk . If he remembered correctly there should be a mirror in one of the drawers . He had to see how badly damage his face was . Sid found the mirror and on inspection he found quite a livid wound to his chin . It was so deep it was oozing nanogoo . Some had dripped onto his purple suit . He would have to make some running repairs , the cut was too obvious to leave . He looked round for some glass to seal it with . He didn 't want to take any out of the windows , and he couldn 't turn up at Lady 's wounded as he was . There was no way he wanted to try to explain to her what he had been up to most of the evening . It looked like he had lost in a fight with a big wild cat , and there were no roaming at the Point . Lucky Sid spotted an empty glass that had been forgotten on a table . It was enough to seal his wounded face … but not his wounded pride . Like a beaten dog with its tail between its legs , he headed to Lady to lick his wounded soul . Sid let himself into Lady 's room . It was dark and he could here her rhythmic breathing , telling him she was fast asleep in bed . He took of his ruined jacket and placed it on a nearby chair . Then he headed into the bedroom , undressing along the way . He eased up the duvet and eased himself in beside her , enjoying the warmth of her body against his . Lady stirred as his cold fingers and hands roamed over her body on the way to her breast . She had tried to lay awake waiting and wondering when he would come to her . The girlie night had ended early so she was back in her room before midnight . She had called Sid 's room but got no answer . She hadn 't felt like searching for him knowing in her heart that he would come to her . Somehow her internal clock told her it was very late , so she knew that he must have been up to something to stay away from her so long . She had noticed that he was starting to look like the old bad Sid , and there was a change about him . For one thing , he had been walking around with a bruise on his face all day . That was unusual as he was so meticulous about his appearance . Vanity thy name is Sid ! Then when she had told him about the girlie night , he had accepted it with such ease , no sulking or whining like he usually did . She decided to ask him what he was up to the following day , for the moment she was too interested in joining him in the little night games he was starting … Chiz looked suspiciously at the blue splash she spotted on the bed sheet . What could they have come from ? She was certain on that she had removed all of her makeup last night . She pulled back the cover to see if she had left a pen in the bed , even though a thought came to her that she didn 't own a pen with that shade of ink , and that she had done no writing in the bed . On finding no pen she again wondered what could have caused the stains . One thing she was certain of was that they had not been there the previous day . She went into the bathroom , and on looking in the mirror , saw that she had indeed removed all of her makeup . She sat on the toilet and turned her hands over , noticing that the blue stains under her nails . Then she froze ! It could only mean one thing . One particular person had been in her room , and part of last night 's dream was in fact a reality . Chriz would never willingly invite him into her room and decided that she would have to be more alert where he was concerned . Now she shuddered , wondering if she could be safe - when he had so obviously invaded her personal space . Looking at the parts of him stuck under her nails , she hoped that she hurt him , even though she knew he could heal himself . She had seen the film and knew all it would take was some glass . She debated whether or not to leave the evidence for Michelle to see , or wash it all away and say nothing . Chriz knew that there was abundance of help available to pin Sid against the wall and get a confession out of him , both from the former law enforcement brothers and any of the others Sid had bothered in the past . The break - in , would be easy to prove with the blue stained sheets . There was also the evidence on how close he had come to Chriz with his nano - goo still under her Chriz didn 't want to get the boys wound up and cause any trouble , so she decided to keep the events of the previous night to herself . Instead , she hoped that it would not happen again , but if it did , she knew that she would have to try to deal with it herself . She was use to taking care of herself and she was not a girl to play around with once she got angry . She was offended at the way her privacy had been invaded , so after breakfast she donned jogging pants and a sweatshirt and headed off for a run . She needed to work out the agitation . She found a good path and started her run . After awhile she came to a glade . An hour later she was back at the hotel . On her way through the lobby she heard raised voices and caught few asking looks . Because she was hot and sweaty after her workout , she went straight to her room for a hot shower rather than stay to find out what was amiss . Zack was taking the first morning shift in the reception . He had noticed the mirror lying on the desk . There was a blue print on it so he knew it had been used by Sid . He scanned the lobby to see if anything was out of place . If not for the FBI training , he may well have missed the remnants of a glass thrown into a waste basket . What had Sid been up to now ? He hoped that Sid didn 't think he could get away with any of his old behaviour and start terrorising the new girl . He had heard about the rude awakening Chriztine had on her arrival . She didn 't need to be exposed to Sid . Zack decided he had to tell the others of his findings . After a few hours Zack had spoken with several people and they were all gathered in the lobby arguing over the best way to broach the subject with Chriztine . Because none of them knew her all that well , they were undecided on the best way to approach her . It was during this argument that Chriz had returned from her run . Chriz opened the door after a few minutes . She said ' Hi ' to Anthony , whom she remembered from her first day , and greeted Zack . When they went inside , she noticed that Zack was carefully casting the room and even tried to see into the bedroom . She was sure that the blue stain on the sheet wouldn 't be visible unless the quilt was lifted , and she wasn 't about to let him do " As you could see , everything is okay . I don 't have any problems . The only person I have met is Arthur , and I can 't think you would believe that he could do me harm . " " No , not Arthur , but do I see a bruise there on your hairline ? May I ask how you got it ? " It was Zack who had taken over the conversation . " I got tangled up in my sheet yesterday and fell out of the bed . I think I hit my head on the chair or on the floor . Why are you concerned about Sid ? " " The last few days he seems to have fallen back into his old bad ways . He has always loved to harass the new girls that visit here if he can get away with it . Usually he is on his best behaviour when Lady is around as their connection seems to keep him in check , but this doesn 't seem to be the case at the moment . " " So we were wondering if he had been around trying to bother you . Has he ? We just want to check to see if he is keeping away from you as I told him and Hando after your first day here . " continued Anthony . " Don 't say too much , you don 't know him . He 's a master when it come to the art of trouble making . It 's one part of him that we don 't think we can ever change however hard we try . " " I believe you , and if I get any trouble I 'll be sure to tell you , but hopefully he won 't notice me . I 'm not very good around a lot of people . I prefer one or two or even being alone . I took this trip to relax from a hectic life and discover new surroundings . " " Yes , I 'm fine . You don 't need to make a fuss of me . If anything happens I 'll be sure to tell you . " " I don 't know . I think I 'll just take it as it comes . I 'll see how I feel later on , but I 'm not making any promises . " They were eating a late breakfast when Lady looked across at Sid . She noticed that the bruise on his face was no longer there . She suspected something else may have happened and he had healed himself . " It was very late when you came to me last night . I thought you would be here waiting for my return . What did you get up to ? " " No of course not , I was just curious . I called you around midnight and didn 't get an answer . I see your bruise has gone from yesterday so I wondered if you had cut yourself and healed everything . Have you anything to tell me ? " " Ooh , please why can 't you or anyone else ever leave me alone ! Why most everyone be on me all the time ? I 'm tired of it . " Lady was stunned and could just look after Sid when he walked away from her . He took his jacket and smashed the door behind him . This didn 't bode well . Arthur slept well . The evening With Chriztine had been the best he could remember . He smiled widely at the memory of how well they got on together . She was a very nice and special girl , and she seemed interested in him ! He hummed some songs as he got ready for the day ahead . He wondered if he would be able to persuade Chriz to loin him in the restaurant tonight . He wanted to date her , but he couldn 't think of many places to take her . He wanted to be able to show his ' brothers ' and the other girls that there was a girl that was interested in him . He didn 't want to become the resident virgin ! If she agreed to dinner , he hoped that he could ask her to the Sunday service . He would really like that , if it wasn 't too soon to ask that of her ? If everything went to plan , he was going to ask her to the party on Monday . Arthur needed to check on the party arrangements , so he went down to his offices . He hoped that after a few hours of hard work he would have built up the courage to speak with Chriz . He was so deep into his work that the time flew by . " Something 's going on , isn 't it ? You 're glowing mate and rushing around like there 's no tomorrow . Could it be anything to do with our new arrival ? " " Arthur , don 't run , talk to me ! It isn 't just the party is it , you 've been organising things around here for a long time now and no event has ever made you glow as you are now . I would say you 've met someone . " Chriztine breathed a sigh of relief when Zack and Dr Anthony left her suite . She hoped they hadn 't sensed that she was being less than truthful with them . She knew there was no visible evidence of Sid in her room . She decided to play safe that night and wedge a chair under the door handle . She may have been wrong to arrive at the Point to grab some down time . Never in her wildest dreams did she think she would come up against an element to make her keep on her toes at all times . Chriz hoped for no more lapses during her stay . She never knew when a fainting spell would over come here , and up to now she had been lucky not to get hurt . The scariest part of her last attack was who she had seen the moment she woke up . She hated what she had been through to cause her to be the way she was just now . If she hadn 't become sick and needed the surgery in the first place , things should have been fine . Why was life trating her this way ? Chriztine went to her closet to pick out some beach wear . When she 'd mentioned that was how she was going to spend her day , she wasn 't certain if she would or not , but now she made up her mind to chill out on the beach with a book and maybe write as well . She chose a sleeveless stretch top that she had made . It was one of several she had sewn in different lengths . This one reached below her behind , but still managed to leave nothing to the imagination . To this she added a combined skirt / shorts which was of her own design and that she was proud to wear . Both were a blue / lilac colour . She slipped on her blue shoes and placed everything she thought she would need for the day into her backpack . She decided to take her blue dress jacket just in case it turned chilly later on . After looking in vain for it she remembered that she had worn it the day of her arrival . She made a mental note to ask Michelle or Arthur for her clothes back . In the meanwhile , she picked up a sweater to take along with her . She saw Zack at the front desk . She just nodded to him , deciding to wait until later to ask about her clothes . The weather was still good and it was quite warm for the beginning of spring . It was certainly a lot better than the weather in Sweden . She was pleased as it meant she didn 't have to worry about not wearing enough clothes . When she got to the beach she walked along the shoreline for a while . She hadn 't seen Hando walk there so she was pleased she could get closer to the water . The beach area was everything she thought it should be with grass , white sand , a few rocks , and distant cliffs . The sea was almost Mediterranean blue in colour . It looked very inviting and if it warmed up before the end of her stay , she decided that a swim was definitely in order . When she looked closer she could make out shells and seaweed in the water . Chriz walked in the opposite direction from her walk of the previous day , and when she got closer to the cliffs she hoped to find a place that was sheltered from the breeze coming in off the sea . Her wish seemed to have been fulfilled when she found a perfect spot . It was a magical place where wishes seemed to come true . The spot was so perfect . It had some grass enabling her to sit off the sand . She could lean back onto the base of the cliff , and the wind didn 't reach the pages of her book . She also had a wonderful view of the sea from where she sat . There were also some trees close by to afford shade if needed . Through the trees she could make out the tavern , and behind it the hotel . As she sat , she began writing and sketching a few things that she might use for her clothes designs . Chriz liked to save her impression of things around her to convert someway into her clothing designs . She loved dressmaking , she was good at it and had designed a great deal of the clothes that she wore . One day she hoped to have a full collection of her designs that she would be known for , even if in her own eyes she would never be in the class of the great designers like Giorgio Armani , Donna Karen , Oscar de la Renta or Donatella Versaci . The weather was so warm that after an hour she began to feel tired . Maybe the sounds of the water rolling in moving the sand on the beach , the soft movement of the branches rustling the leaves and the bird song that made her feel sleepy . Chriz laid her sweater on the grass and lay down closing her eyes and listening to the sounds around her . After a few minutes she was asleep . In his room he admired his reflection in the mirrors . Sid just couldn 't understand why the new girl was able to resist his charms , even when he knew he had only gone to her in the dead of the night . He was astonished , no - one should have been able to resist him when he was so concerned about his appearance . He never wore anything but the best designer clothes and kept his looks in top form . He turned to view himself in every angle . Maybe she would look at him if he made some changes he had been thinking he might need to do . The idea had been rolling around in his head since she hit him that first time . Sid was aware that the boyz always warned every new arrival about him , constantly telling them of his antisocial ways and how they wished he would reform . If he changed now would they take him seriously ? He wasn 't sure who he should choose first to show he was willing to change his ways and apologise to . His best bet would be Maximus , John Biebe or Bud White , but he thought that they would have trouble to believing that he was being sincere , even if they could accept or understand his actions . They were the ones that would have the other brothers backing in whatever they did . He understood that his actions over the years had inflicted deep wounds on his brothers . At least he knew it was better to try to bring his brothers around first than to try to start with the girls . He changed his clothes , and for once he put on something they wouldn 't be used to seeing him dress in . He had gone to the laundry room and ' borrowed ' some of the others clothes to go along with a few other items from earlier raids . He let his hair dry without a hint of gel to keep it pristine . He then went out to find some of his brothers in order to have a talk with them . After his daily training and shower he headed for the beach . Hando hadn 't seen the girl , so he hoped that she may be walking outside and if he was lucky she may end up down on the beach . Maybe outside in the daylight she wouldn 't be so scared of him . If she wasn 't there he would make sure he got to be the one to give her clothes back to her . It was almost noon when Hando approached the place Chriztine had found and was asleep in . He saw that there was a shape on the grass that wasn 't usually there . He knew the beach areas by heart because he loved to spend a lot of his time there . He walked closer and saw the blond hair flooding around her head . His heart beat faster realising that Chriztine was actually there . How should he approach her ? When he got a bit closer he realised that she was sleeping . The last thing he wanted was for her to be scared by him again , so he stopped and just gazed at her for a moment , then he walked away . Hando didn 't want to leave her totally , so he went around the cliff and climbed up on it . He found a perfect place to lie and look down at her . From above she looked so angelic with her hair spread around her . She seemed to be so at peace and he tried to store the image in his mind . He turned over onto his back as lay there starring into the heaven . If he had just met her earlier and show her off as his , they would have envied him . Not to mention how good looking their children would be . Not soiled blood there , superior genes to carry the legacy . When he had won her trust he would try to become her boyfriend . He hadn 't seen her with anyone yet , so why should it not be him ? Things between Stef and him hadn 't been so good lately and it was some time since he had seen her . He wasn 't even certain that she would return to the Point . He really missed having a Sheila . Hando was roused from his thoughts by sounds that told him Chriztine was waking up . As quietly as possibly he turned round again to look over the edge . He watched her pick up her things and hang her sweater over her shoulders . She stood up running her fingers through her hair to get rid of any blades of grass that had caught there during her sleep . It seemed so sensual to Hando that he felt himself harden . He was certain that she didn 't realise she was being watched . Luck was on Hando 's side as Chriz never turned towards the top of the cliff . She started to walk through the trees towards the Hotel . Hando followed her departure with his gaze . Her every step affected his body and he couldn 't stop thinking of how it would feel to gently stroke her . When she was out of site he looked down again to where she had lain asleep and saw something . It had almost been hidden in the sand making her forget it . He hurried down to see what it was . Hando found a brown notebook with silver symbols printed on the cover . That must be what had flashed in the sunlight . Hando picked it up knowing that if he left it there and it rained , it would be destroyed . Hando decided that would be a waste . He looked briefly inside and saw that it seemed to be a journal of some kind of sort . Colin was lying under Chriztine 's car trying to find the fault it had developed . It wasn 't the best rental in the world . They had totally stitched her up once they found she was from another country and didn 't seem to know a lot about cars . If he had a rental business he would never prey on the vulnerable like that . Usually Dominic and Johnny would be able to fix any problem , but this one was tricky . He hated the newer model with the computer equipment . He tested everything with no luck . It was indicating there was something wrong , and the thought was that it was down to the starter motor . Johnny went to the driver seat , being the cleanest one there . He turned the key getting nothing at all from the engine . The starter seemed completely dead . He looked at Colin with resignation across his face . One more chance and then they would have to contact the outside for help . Suddenly there was a flash . Johnny dropped the spark key and was thrown back . From under the car there was a thump and a great string of inventive curses . Chriztine awoke from her sleep with a start . It felt as though she had been hit by something . She looked around and realised that she was still on the beach and must have dozed off . The shadows had rolled over where she was and she felt a shiver run through her body . She got up , put her things in her backpack and wrapped her sweater around her shoulders . Before she left , she drew her hands through her hair ridding it of any loose grass . That usually happened to her if she didn 't tie her hair back . She would need to give it a brisk brushing when she got back to her room . A fleeting thought went through her mind about getting it cut short , but she knew that wouldn 't happen any time soon . Why did she feel that something had hit her ? It was light a lightening flash or an electric shock , but the day had been clear and she was nowhere near any power lines . So what had happened ? Was she about to have another blackout . She didn 't want to be on the beach alone if that was going to happen , she needed to be close to other people . She was feeling things that she hadn 't felt before . It was a surprising feeling and it was disconcerting that she didn 't know why she was feeling this way . It wasn 't the same way she had felt before she became unwell . She couldn 't put her finger on it . Mysterious things seemed to happen in this place , premonitions come true . She felt that she was being included in the magic of the place . It was a bit hard to understand and believe the things going on around her . She wondered if Sid was the only person she needed to watch out for ? Happily no further strange feeling overcome her on the way back to the hotel . She no longer felt as if she may have a blackout for which she was grateful . She hoped that she would stay okay for the rest of her time there . The guys stared at each other for a moment , noticing no visible bruises on either . After making sure neither of them was hurt in any way , Colin finished what he was doing . Johnny didn 't dare do anything else just incase it happened again ! Johnny retreated a safe distance from the car . Colin realised how filthy he was so he picked up a rag to wipe off his hands and placed a cloth on the seat . After seeing the worried look on Johnny 's face he almost didn 't turn the key . He took a deep breath and did it . The car started ! It sounded good . A quick glance at Johnny showed a surprised look on his face . He switched the ignition off . He couldn 't believe it and thought that if he tried to turn it over again it would be as dead as before , but the car started perfectly once again . He still couldn 't believe his ears , so tried it again just to make sure he wasn 't dreaming . He checked the dash and there was no sign on the computer display of any problems . " I don 't think I dare , it might stop on me . I 'll stay here and clean up . If you take it down you 'll be able to catch a shower and spend more time with Chelle . " Arthur could barely manage to start telling Jack about Chriz , but he did the best he could , stammering and blushing all the while he spoke . He was glad that Jack didn 't interrupt him , as he was sure that the words would have stuck in his throat . It felt good to confide in someone , and Jack seemed to be a good listener , maybe better than some of the older or more popular boys . They finished the meal in silence . Jack tried to come up with a good way for Arthur to proceed that hopefully would work both for him and Chriztine . If it had been Jack , he would have chosen the direct route and gone straight to Chriz with the invitation , but she seemed as shy as Arthur , so going quickly could cause a problem . What Jack proposed was exactly what Arthur wanted to do , so he was easily convinced that he could pull it off . They headed for the gift shop . The biggest problem was knowing what to get . Arthur suddenly realised he hadn 't a clue as to her preferences , and really hadn 't learnt anything about her at all . After walking around the shop he still didn 't think that he saw anything appropriate . Jack made his way to the card shelf to choose one . He didn 't think it needed to be too elegant , after all , it was only a dinner invitation . It needed to be simple , but not plain . It had to convey Arthur 's liking for her . After going through half of the selection he found one he knew would be perfect . He took it from the shelf and turned to see if Arthur had chosen a gift yet . " Ok , maybe you could buy her a notebook … nah … something smaller perhaps . I know ! You could get her a nice pen and some candy , then you can put it with this card . " Arthur chose a nice blue pen and some gel candy . Before they left the shop he wrote the dinner invitation in the card . As he had more preparations for the coming party he left the gift and not at the reception for Chriz . " Fine , we got it started awhile a go . I 'm glad we don 't need to get it to the car shop in the town . I parked it outside and here are her keys . I also come to pick you up , are you ready ? " When Chriztine got back to her room she threw her backpack on the sofa and headed into the bathroom to get ready to take a bath . While she waited for the tub to fill , she walked back into the sitting room and looked through the CD collection to choose some music . After not finding anything on the shelf that would match her mood , she rummaged through the pile that she had brought with her . She decided on one of her Swedish CD 's by her good friend Dick . On the way back to the bathroom she remembered she hadn 't looked at the gift Arthur had left for her . In the little box were some candy and a pen . She opened the envelope and saw the card . The card was white with some flowers on . They were slightly raised . Inside she saw a pretty handwriting , at least to come from a guy . She read the text and her heart started to beat faster . It was a dinner invitation down at the restaurant . Would she manage to go and eat dinner with him down at the restaurant ? She poured some rose fragrance into the water , slipped out of her clothes , and settled down for a soak . She was trying to decide if she would join Arthur for the dinner or not . It had been nice the previous day when they ate in her room , and they seemed to get on well together , but there was something missing . Chriz wasn 't thinking of getting a boyfriend , at least not yet . She barley knew him , and wasn 't one to make hasty decisions . He was kind of cute and terribly shy . It was very flattering and she felt elated that a guy would take notice of her , especially as she felt that was more than her looks Arthur was interested in . She wasn 't sure if they would be good together , both being shy . Arthur didn 't seem to be the kind of guy to work out in the gym either . Half an hour later Chriz made up her mind to give him a chance and eat with him . She needed to eat anyway . She called the number he had put on the card and said yes . He sounded anxious and she realised that she had left until the last moment to call him . She couldn 't mistake the happiness in his voice as he arranged to meet her at the entrance of the restaurant an hour later . Her next problem was deciding what to wear . She was reminded that Arthur had told her that her blouse and jacket ( her favourites ) were still at the laundry following her arrival . She had brought a few clothes with her , but nothing really fancy . She decided that she probably had something that would be suitable for the restaurant . She had only brought one skirt with her , it was a long slim black one that went with anything . She chose a yellow shirt from her closet , which she put on over a black vest , then she tied the ends round her waist instead of buttoning it up . She checked in the mirror and decided that she would do . She had thought of plaiting her hair , but decided to leave it loose after realising that if it was tied her bump would show . Looking at her watch , she realised it was time to go downstairs . Getting ready had taken longer than she thought she thought it would . A last glimpse in the mirror , and she was out of her room , pausing only to lock the door , and heading down the stairs . Chriz didn 't meet anyone on the way , for which she was grateful as her heart was already beating way too fast . She silently wished that the restaurant wouldn 't be busy . He was happy that Jack had helped him to do the tasks he had taken on him to do . That meant he would be able to spend the evening with Chriztine . So when she finally called to say yes he left his office and ran up to fix himself . After a shower he put on a light blue shirt and choose a dark , striped tie . To that blue trousers with sewed creases . To finish the outfit he took a cardigan instead of a jacket when it wasn 't so formal . He laid some grease in his hair and combed it into a part side . He felt his heart beating faster than normal . He was nervous both for the date and for what the others may say . He looked at his watch and realised he was on the way to being late . He didn 't want Chriztine to have to stand around waiting for him . Arthur breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that Chriz hadn 't arrived before him . As he waited he was unaware that he was pulling nervously at his cardigan . During the few minutes he stood there a few of his brothers passed by with their ladies . They said hello as they passed and Arthur knew he had given them something to whisper about . It was very rare to see him waiting there with an expectant look on his face . Soon they realised that he was probably going to have dinner with the new girl . When Chriz appeared Arthur had to swallow several times , she looked magnificent . She had chosen nice clothes that showed how tall she was and what a nice figure she had . Once she came up close he saw that she was blushing and probably had seen how he had stared at her . He didn 't dare to hug or kiss her even if he had wanted too . Instead he offered his arm and took her to smaller restaurant , which had less people and was more cosy . Chriz noticed that they got some wondering stares from the few people that were there too . Arthur gave her some courage or rather felt good to not feel she wanted to run away . She tried to just concentrate to be attentive to her company . Chriz saw the disappointment in Arthur 's eyes and thought that maybe she should consider going . It would mean having to meet more people and get introduced to the other boys . She wasn 't sure if she was ready for that . " Arthur , I don 't really feel comfortable enough to meet so many people yet . I think I 'm still shaken from my unusual arrival . I hope you won 't hold it against me if I don 't turn up . " Arthur looked up and left his hand under hers . It was the first personal contact she had made , and he wanted it to last as long as possible . It felt good and right to him . He got embarrassed when he felt the Would she finally get over feelings of unease ? At least she couldn 't remember having any nightmares that night . Chriztine had managed to fall asleep quite quickly after getting into bed . The evening hadn 't ended too late and she was grateful for that . She had spent a very nice evening in company of Arthur . He had invited her to dinner in one of the hotel restaurants . She had been about to say no , but after the evening had drawn to a close she didn 't regret agreeing to go . It hadn 't been as terrible as she thought it could have been . Chriz thought that she may actually soon be able to overcome some of her shyness and finally be ready to meet some of the other boys . Looking at her watch , Chriz saw that she had been asleep a long time , probably due to the fact the she hadn 't had enough sleep earlier . She was so warm in the bed that she really didn 't feel like getting up , so she lay there thinking about her experiences since her arrived . She also wondered what she was going to do with the rest of her time before her vacation come to an end . No matter what she had experienced , she was sure that she wouldn 't leave the Point . The place was so big she was certain that if she needed solitude she would have no problem finding somewhere to go . There seemed to be a spot for every soul , and she already loved it . Just thinking of hearing Cort 's voice and seeing him standing there in front of the congregation made her heart beat faster . Chriz couldn 't decide if it was the fact that he had been one of the first characters she had seen which made her feel this way , or if it was just her thinking about him that made her feel warm all over . There was also the fact that she was certain there would be a lot of people there . So if she listened to her body signals , it wouldn 't be a good idea to attend . She realised that she had to eventually meet the others or they would be thinking that she was a ghost , or just plain odd . She didn 't want that , but it was very hard for her to change the habit of a lifetime . The uncertainty was always there . " Arthur , Arthur how can I explain to you that I feel nothing more than a good friendship ? " She asked her mirror . Chriz hated to disappoint him , but she knew that she had to try and explain how she felt to him . The longer she left things unsaid , the harder it would become to say them , even if she knew she found it so hard to be able to speak of her feelings . A glance through the window told her that the weather was still nice so if she got into the church she would be able to spend some time later outside . With that she looked through her backpack to make sure she had her book , journal and sketchpad in there . She saw the book , sketchpad and pencils , but her journal wasn 't there . That was strange . Didn 't she put it in there ? When was the last time she had used it ? She couldn 't get a clear memory of when she had seen it . She started looking around her rooms . Luck wasn 't with her however , and it was nowhere to be found . Standing for a moment in thought , she vaguely remembered having it at the beach the yesterday . Maybe she had dropped it there . Because she felt her journal was important to her she went down to the beach to see if she could find it . She easily found the place where she had been sitting and laying the day before , but it wasn 't possible to see any signs of her been there . The wind must have swept all traces away . She looked under the grass and run her feet through the sand to see if it had been covered . Unfortunately she searched in vain for the journal . What had happened to it ? * FN * She hadn 't spotted it on the way to the beach either . Even if she wasn 't too worried about anyone being able to understand what was in there she still felt very uncomfortable about not being able to find it . Mostly of the writing was in Swedish , which would make it unreadable for most of the people there . Then she realised that there was some pictures that could reveal things she wanted kept private , and sometimes she had written passages in English as well . She had to find it . Who should she ask about it ? Who would be discrete ? Thinking of some of the drawings inside made her quickly eliminate Arthur or any of the other boys . Just thinking of them made her blush . One of the women would be a better bet , but did she know any of them well enough to ask ? When she didn 't find the journal she returned to her room and changed into her workout gear and trainers . The best way to calm herself down was to run and do some training . It would settle her down . Chriz took a different path and decided to go further into the forest , and maybe up to higher ground . It was so quiet and peaceful that she almost felt as if she was in her own church . The birds and small animals were easily heard . Every step she ran , the natural noises blended with her breathing and heartbeat . She didn 't slow down in a long time as she decided to run to the point of exhaustion . When her heart was beating fit to burst and the foreboding of blood taste came she was a long way from the hotel in the depth of the forest . She looked around and soon spotted something that looked like a hollow and an opening . With one more push she sprinted there , stopped , placed her hands on her knees and tried to regulate her breathing . Once Chriz could breath easily again and her heart beat was returning to normal she took out and drank some of the water she had brought with her . After a few more minutes she began stretching and training . When she thought she had done enough she decided that it was too early to head back . Instead she looked around and spotted the sun rays edging through the trees , and where they hit the ground she sat down . Luckily there was convenient tree for her to rest her back against . Johnny felt restless . He hadn 't slept too well during the night . He had the mysterious flash playing over and over again in his head . He couldn 't understand what had happened and how Chriztine 's car had suddenly been fixed . He was just happy that neither Colin or he had been injured when it happened . His bed was a mess as he had tossed and turned so much . The room felt stuffy and small . Looking at his watch he saw that it was later in the morning than he thought . He took a shower to rid himself of the sweat that was coating his body , then he headed down for something to eat . He really didn 't feel like hanging round the Tavern so he headed off towards the forest in the hope of finding somewhere a bit cooler . He quite often walked through the forest , and sometimes hunted there as well . He had one of his rifles with him just in case he came across any animals . He knew it was probably a little late in the day to spot anything , but who knows . He cursed to himself that even the solitude of the forest couldn 't erase what had happened yesterday . It bothering him , which didn 't help him track anything to shoot . He just kept walking and walking . Johnny had heard the whisperings about the latest arrival at the Point . How Arthur had found her , and seemed to be dating her . He cringed a little with jealousy thinking that the nong had been able to meet a girl and he was still unattached . He had been there longer , and had more experience of girls . He understood from those who had seen her that she was good looking . Without knowing it , his legs seemed to be taking him in the direction where Chriztine was sitting . The only thing that might have told Johnny he wasn 't alone would have been the sound of her breathing ; still little heavy after her training . He was so deep in his own thoughts that he didn 't hear anything . After almost falling over some branches , he decided he should concentrate where he was going . He realised he wasn 't far from the track that should widen up in a few hundred meters and lead back to the Hotel and Tavern . Almost I front of him where the opening of the track was he saw something that didn 't fit in with its surroundings . It was bright - pink ! He carefully moved closer and saw more of the colour and realised what it was . It was a sweatshirt , and it was worn by a girl . His heart began to beat faster , and suddenly he felt warmer . He moved closer to a spot that gave him better view . It was a vision . He had to pinch himself to prove that he wasn 't dreaming of angels and fairies . He fell in love with the sight in front of him . He barley dared to breath , worrying that would break the vision . The girl was sitting against a tree and was bathed in sunbeams . Some of her hair had fallen out from her scrunchie band and it flew around in the breeze framing her face like a halo . It was long and blonde . Johnny noticed that she had a pale complexion which completed the idea of a vision . He slowly sat down in the same spot he had been standing . He didn 't want this moment to end . The minutes ticked by and he loved every second he was able to watch her , especially as she didn 't seem to sense him there and never stirred from her spot under the tree . Johnny was still there as the girl started to move . She rose up , stretching like a cat , careful not to strain her muscles which had gone to sleep after the long rest . Her movements told him she had a well trained and graceful body . He had never seen anyone like her , and was determined to find out who she was . As Johnny hadn 't given his position away , he decided not to follow her . He was experiencing some very strange feelings that came over him and wouldn 't let him go . It was all new to him , like something unknown had touched him . Arthur was pacing back and forth in front of the church . His eyes were on the path and he was praying that Chriztine would come . He wanted so much for her to feel ready enough to meet everyone and attend the mass . Everyone that usually attended was already there , and there was still no sign of her . With every passing minute , his heart sank a little more and filled up with disappointment . Arthur knew that Chriz had told him she couldn 't promise to attend . Their evening had gone well , and he had hoped that would have made her feel more at ease and secure enough to come to church with him . She had looked fantastic . During the dinner she had seemed to have overcome a lot of her shyness when she had placed her hand on top of his . He could still feel the warmth of her touch , and thinking of it made his heart pound faster within his chest . He couldn 't believe that the boys she still had to meet would be so terrifying to her . He hadn 't yet gotten over the fact that he 'd had to ask Sid and Hando for their help on her arrival . She had looked so vulnerable and fragile that if he could go back and do it all again he would have looked a little further for assistance . Still staring down the path , which was empty , he let his thoughts wonder to what her reply may be if he invited her to the party . He hated the thought of her sitting alone in her room when everyone else was having a good time . As soon as the right opportunity arose , he made up his mind to ask her . During the mass , Arthur was distracted and didn 't pay attention as he usually did . His thoughts were with Chriztine and with what he wanted to ask her . After he repeatedly sang the wrong verses , Jack elbowed him in the ribs . By the end of the mass he was more alert . Jack suddenly rushed off from where they had been standing . Arthur looked after him , not sure how he should take the comment . He wandered off at his own speed , still pondering on when he should ask her . It was so quiet and peaceful in the woods . The sun was strong enough to keep her warm , and the breeze was perfect . Chriz felt she could stay there forever , but she knew she should soon head back to eat . She had been sitting a long time , so she carefully stretched as she got to her feet . When she felt loose enough , she began to jog . The need to run off any negative emotions was no longer there . She actually felt a lot better than she had . During her run back , she decided that she must tell Arthur her feelings , hoping very much that he would still want to be her friend . He had been the nicest person she had met so far . Maybe she would be brave enough to meet some of the others . Sometimes she hated being shy . Thinking of her shyness made her to smile . That was something her brother / sister always tried to help her with . It was so much easier when they were together . She was happy that they were more like friends than siblings . At least they never seemed to fight like other brothers and sisters tended to . Arthur let the phone ring about ten times before replacing the receiver . He had been trying the number constantly for the last half an hour , but Chriztine had not answered . He began wondering where she might be . Michelle was sitting at the front desk , looking very busy . His hopes dropped when he realised she might not know . He waited a while watching people coming and going , but Chriz wasn 't amongst them . " No , Chelle . I 'm here for something personal . As you 're so busy though , you may not be able to help . Would you know where Chriztine might be ? " " You right , there is quite a lot to do round here . Sorry , I haven 't seen her around the last hour or so . Have you tried to call her ? " " I think I saw her earlier this morning for a couple of minutes . From what she was wearing , she looked like she was getting ready for a run . Was there anything special you wanted her for ? " Arthur left Chelle deep in her paperwork work . He went to his office and busied himself in party details . Most of the arrangements were complete , apart from the last minute stuff that had to be done on the day , so he soon found himself sitting there shuffling paper to keep occupied . The phone call didn 't come either . The knock on the door came punctually and she rushed to get some clothes on . Looking out the peephole , she realised it wasn 't Rick . She thought she recognized him , but he was partly turned from the door so she wasn 't quite certain which of the younger boys he was . As she opened the door , the guy turned to face her and she had to take a deep swallow . Welcoming him in with a wave of her hand , he went the rest the tray on the table , giving her a few moments to compose herself . He turned from the table , stretching out his right hand towards her . " Except for a few things that scared me shitless . I love what I 've seen . I 've managed to find some calm and peaceful places . " Chriz found it very easy to speak to Jeff . She hadn 't expected it , seeing as she had a crush on him . She was happy that she didn 't feel uncomfortable with him . Chriz felt the same for Jeff that she felt for Kim . There must be something about gay guys that made you feel at ease in their company . She hoped that she and Jeff could become friends . Her thoughts went to her sister and how she would react when she was told about the guys . Probably Kim would be most interested to learn about Jeff and Rick . She was always interested in other gay couples , even if he was no longer a man . Chriz was proud of the way her sister was at ease with herself . There had been a few hard years but they had been there for each other . Thinking back made her homesick and she realised she missed Kim . To ease her pain , she took out her note pad and began to write to her .

I made it through finals and am now back in PA . I love being able to relax - - it 's such a wonderful feeling to not have anything I have to do ! During the last two weeks at Houghton there was always something weighing on my mind , a paper to write or an exam to study for , and I would work and work and get one thing done only to have another to start on the next day , but now I 'm free ! I think I did fairly well in all my classes ; I guess I 'll find out when we get our grades at the end of the month . It 's nice to be home with my family and my pets . We don 't have snow here , though , which is sad . But that also means it isn 't quite as cold as it is at Houghton , which is nice . It 's weird to think that people are still there and some still have finals to take ; I got really lucky this year , having all mine on Monday and Tuesday . It 's so great to be on break ! The party last night went really well . People actually did come , several staying the whole time ( including two professors ) and a bunch stopping in for a little while . The lecture ended before the party , so some people came by afterward . Almost all of our food got eaten , but not quite all of it , meaning we had just about the right amount . We had readings from the book , some people reading their own work and some reading other people 's . And everyone told us we did a great job . People especially seemed to like the cover a lot , so I was pretty happy . A lot of the books got taken , which was good , and then Adam and I spread the rest ( except the black and white ones , which are in a box in our office ) around campus . All the ones in the Chamberlain Center are gone already . In class today , my Lit . by Women professor congratulated us on it and told us how nice it looked and told everyone they should read it . So I 'm happy with the way things turned out . Now we just have to do it all again next semester . . . Adam and I are having the Lanthorn release party this Thursday . It 's been a crazy process . First , we couldn 't figure out what software we were supposed to use . The college said they were going to get us new software , but they never did . There was a layout / design program on the computer in our office , but it said it wasn 't the full version and would put a watermark on all our pages . So I emailed the former editor , and from her I found out that they 'd never used that program , but had had access to a different program through the school newspaper . So we ended up using Microsoft publisher , which worked fine but wasn 't the best . Putting the book together took a lot of time , and then we tried to email it to the print center , but it was too big of a file . Because the print center lady was going to be going away for a few days , I had to leave a class to go back to my room to put The Lanthorn on a blank CD and then bring it to her . And then her color printer wasn 't working , so we thought we were going to have to do it in black and white , but after printing 60 black and white copies she got the color to work . So now they 're all printed , but they needed to be folded and stapled , which Adam and I will be working on tomorrow . We 've also had issues with the party ; we didn 't hear back from the guy in charge of Java 101 ( the campus coffee shop , where the party will be ) that we actually had it until today , so we only just sent out the campus wide email , and there 's some lecture going on at the same time , and everyone we 've talked to is either going to that or has other plans already . So we 'll probably have only five people show up to the party . It 'll be okay ; the book will still have been successfully published , and even if not many people get them at the party we 'll still leave them around campus for people to pick up , but the whole thing has just been way more frustrating than I expected . Having it done will be a big relief , and I 'm sure I 'll feel better about it then . And at least next semester we 'll know how to do things better . Should I post on this blog ? Does anyone read it ? I haven 't been keeping up with it , but I could ; it wouldn 't really be worth it , though , if no one 's reading . It was cool driving through Germany and the Czech Republic on the way to Prague . It was funny , there would be all these signs / ads in German or Czech and then randomly one in English . Germany had lots of pine forests , France had lots of fields , and when we reached Prague I found that it had lots of cool buildings . The bus station wasn 't in the best shape , though . Because it had been hard to sleep on the bus , when we arrived at the station , a little before 6am , I was exhausted and couldn 't wait to get to Nora 's friend 's house , where we were staying . But that wouldn 't happen for over an hour . For one thing , the bus had gotten in a little early . Worse than that , though , I had told Nora 's friend the wrong time to meet us at the bus station . I had assumed there was a time difference between Paris and Prague , and I didn 't find out otherwise until right before the trip . Consequently , I 'd had Nora tell her friend the bus would get in at 7 : 15 , when it was actually supposed to arrive at 6 : 15 . We had no way to contact her , so we just had to wait . We sat inside the bus station , but it was still cold . Around 7 the bus station food shops began to open . I kept watching the people who came in , wondering if each woman was Lucie , Nora 's friend . At 7 : 30 the real Lucie came , and we took the Prague metro to her apartment ( which was on the other side of the city from the bus station ) . Once there we ate breakfast ; I was so tired I ate with my eyes closed , practically sleep - eating . Afterward I took a much - needed nap . A few hours later Nora woke me up so we could go into the city center . I was still pretty tired , but the sleep had definitely helped . Lucie had the day off from work , so she took us around , which was good because I at least wasn 't up to navigating a new city by myself ( Nora was much more awake that day than I was ) . Now that the sun was up it was really hot out . First we went to the castle area , which was a complex of buildings ( like a palace and a huge cathedral ) and not an actual castle . It was on a hill , so we had a good view of the city . Later on we walked across Charles Bridge , which has lots of statues of saints on it . I don 't really remember a lot about that day except walking a lot and being tired , hot , hungry , and thirsty . Besides Czech Lucie spoke Swedish and English , and since her Swedish was the better of the two , she mostly talked to Nora in that language . Because I know absolutely no Swedish , I couldn 't really follow the conversation , so I didn 't always know what we were seeing or where we were headed . Eventually we went to a pizzeria for lunch . I was so looking forward to drinking a glass of water - - but when the water came , it was fizzy water , which was pretty disappointing . Apparently that 's the norm there , and regular water is pretty expensive . I swished it around to take some of the fizz out , and that helped , but it still wasn 't the same . After lunch we rode around on trams some and got gelato at one point ( I had peach , which was awesome ) and later got citronada , which was like lemonade . At 5 - something we headed back to Lucie 's apartment . We got back to her neighborhood after the long metro ride and went to the grocery store . Although Lucie only got a few things , we were there for a while because the checkout line was so long . When we finally made it out we went to the post office to buy stamps for the postcards Nora and I had bought in Paris . Again , we had to wait a really long time , although there we at least got to sit down . At last we got the stamps and went back to the apartment , around 6 : 30 , and Nora and I both lay down and went right to sleep . I woke up several times while it was still evening , once because there was a thunderstorm , but I always fell back asleep quickly . I also woke up a few times overnight and early in the morning , but I ended up sleeping past 10am , and the only reason I woke up then was because there were lots of noisy kids outside ( there was a school next door ) . I must 've gotten over 12 hours of sleep , maybe as many as 13 or 14 . I felt really weird when I woke up , but that wore off , and I felt so much more awake and alive than the day before . My flight arrived in Paris only a little late , somehow . We didn 't have to go through customs or anything as far as I remember . I came out to where all the people were waiting for their friends who 'd been on the plane and looked for Nora , but she wasn 't there . I was hungry and tired and in a foreign country , so I freaked out a little . I just stood off to the side and waited , but all the time I was wondering if something had happened to Nora and trying to think of what I would do if she didn 't come . Then I saw her in the crowd of people , and everything was okay . She was just late because she 'd missed the first train to the airport . I felt much better , and we went off to our hostel . Nora and the two friends she 'd been in Paris with for the past week were staying in a three - person room , and I was in a four - person women - only room upstairs . I rested a little , and then Nora and I went out to Victor Hugo 's house . It took us a long time to find it , even though we had a map and there were signs supposedly pointing the way . I didn 't mind , though , because I enjoyed just wandering around Paris . We happened upon a big market and looked at stuff there for a while . Pretty soon after that we did make it to the house ; it was interesting to see , but not that exciting . We got pizza for lunch and then went to the Louvre , which is free the first Sunday of the month , exactly the day we happened to be there . We just wanted to see the most famous things , but we kept making mistakes and going the wrong way ( the map confused me ) , so we ended up walking a lot more than we needed to . Every time we sat down to rest I started to fall asleep . But it was cool to see so much famous art , and we really barely saw any of what 's there , because the Louvre is such a huge place . I would love to go back for a whole day sometime when I 'm not exhausted . We went back to the hostel when the museum closed , and I finally got to relax . My sense of time was really skewed , and it felt like it had been a really long day even though it was only early evening . I went to bed around 9 and slept pretty well . The next morning I got up and had breakfast with Nora at the hostel . After the other two girls came down and ate we checked out of our rooms . I accidentally left my pajamas in my room , but before we left one of the ladies who 'd been in the room with me came and found me and told me , which was nice . We left our luggage at the hostel and headed off to Sacre Coeur , a big white church , which was pretty close by . It 's on a hill , and the view of Paris got better and better as we went up . When we reached the top we were so high ; it was like we were on top of Paris . Nora and I looked inside and then walked along the edge of the hill until we could see the Eiffel Tower , which was blocked by trees before . We walked around Sacre Coeur , and as soon as we left the front area there were practically no other people around , which was nice . We then met back up with the other two girls and walked around the area , Montmarte , which had nice cobblestones streets and pretty houses . We got crepes at La Maison Rose , a tiny pink cafe . The weather was beautiful , so it was really nice just walking around . Nora and I had to be at the bus station to check in for our bus ride to Prague at 3 , so we left Montmarte before long and picked up our luggage at the hostel before heading to the bus station . On the way we stopped at a grocery store to buy dinner , spending only 4 . 23 total on drinkable yogurt ( which Nora introduced me to and I love ) , a baguette , an apple , and brie . We made it to the bus station right on time and checked in , and then we just had to wait till our bus left at 4 . After a while our bus pulled up and people started getting on . Nora had said she would try to be back within half an hour , so after half an hour had passed I started getting worried , both about whether something had happened to Nora and about missing the bus . I had a plan to ask the bus driver to wait and then tell one of the bus station workers that Nora was missing if she wasn 't back by five of 4 . But then , around 3 : 50 , Nora came in . She 'd had a hard time finding somewhere where she got internet , but she finally had , and then she 'd hurried back . We got on the bus , and pretty soon we were off to Prague . So , I went to Europe . It was my first time flying alone , and after I went through security and left my family behind I felt very independent and a little nervous . I quickly got way more nervous when my backpack didn 't come out of the security scanner and the lady watching the scans called someone else over . I waited while they talked , wondering what in the world could be in my backpack that could cause a problem . I 'd packed everything I needed for 10 days in Europe in there - - clothes , a few small guidebooks , shampoo and toothpaste in 3 - ounce containers sealed in a plastic bag . There was nothing wrong with any of that , was there ? They let my backpack out , and a man felt around inside . " Do you have maple syrup in here ? " he asked , and I suddenly remembered that Nora 's mom had sent a quart of maple syrup with me as a gift for the friend of Nora 's we would be staying with in Prague . None of us , not Nora 's mom , not my mom , not me , had realized that I wouldn 't be able to bring that in a carry - on . I wondered if they would confiscate it , leaving Nora 's friend gift - less , but the man just told me , " Next time , put that in your checked luggage " and let me take my backpack back . Very relieved that I wasn 't unwittingly carrying explosives or illegal drugs , I headed to my gate , where I found that my flight had been delayed . Even after everyone boarded , it still didn 't take off for a while ; I actually fell asleep while waiting . So began my trip to Europe . Hi . I don 't even know who still reads this , but I have a random half hour to spend , so I thought I 'd just write a quick update . Sophomore year is over . I was done on Monday the 3rd and came home on the 4th . It 's a weird feeling , being halfway done with college . It 's just not right . I 'm really glad to be done with schoolwork , but I miss Houghton . I would have loved to stay for Mayterm , but it didn 't work out with my Europe trip . So here I am , back home . I like being home , but of course there are things I don 't like too , which I won 't get into . It is good to be back . Unfortunately , I don 't have a job . I applied to five places over Easter break , and I hadn 't heard from any , so yesterday I stopped by four of them . The first two said they didn 't need me , at the third the girl there said the manager would call me ( she hasn 't yet ) and at the fourth the line was too long to wait in . Since I haven 't heard anything , I 'm assuming none of them want me . The first two ( who said they definitely don 't need me ) were my best options , so now I 'm not sure what I 'm going to do . A local McDonald 's is hiring , but I really really don 't want to work there . Mom was suggesting just looking for odd jobs , which is a possibility , but I probably wouldn 't make much money doing that . So far since I 've been home I 've been really lazy - - sleeping a lot , watching Lost ( which some of my friends from Houghton recently got me into ) , playing games with Joyce , reading for fun . And it has been nice just to be able to relax , but I know it 'll get old after a while . Last summer I was really bored and unhappy , and I don 't want this summer to be like that . So if I can 't get a job I 'm planning to volunteer at a local animal shelter , which is something I 've wanted to do for years . It 'll help them out and keep me busy and get me out of the house , even if I won 't be making money . So yeah , I guess that 's pretty much it for now . It 's warm here , but not hot yet , and I like it . Adam and I are going to be editors of the Lanthorn next year ! We applied a while ago , and we found out last week that we got the position ! It 's really exciting , and also kind of daunting , because we 're going to have so much responsibility . But it 'll be really cool . We even get our own office , complete with a computer . I feel so official . The semester is almost over ; I 'm done with exams on May 3rd , and I 'm going home on the 4th . I had all my big papers and projects due last week , so now I just have finals . Only two of them are actual tests , though , and only one is cumulative , so it 's not going to be a problem . Tomorrow is geology , the cumulative one , and I haven 't done much studying yet , so I 'd better do that now . Bye ! I 'm home ! Spring / Easter break starts today ; I came home last night , a day early . It 's really nice to be here . Last Friday was course selection day . Here 's what I 'll be taking next fall : French Level 1FictionLiterature by WomenHorsemanship 1Writer 's WorskshopThe workshop is something writing majors are supposed to take as seniors , but since I 'm planning to go to Australia fall of my senior year , I have to take it junior year instead . I 'm a little nervous because it 's going to be me and a bunch of seniors , so that 's kind of intimidating . I 'm definitely going to be doing a lot of writing . I 've been meaning to post some of the poems I 've written for my poetry class for a while , and now that Mom 's reminded me I 'll actually do it . So here are a few ; they 're the ones I like best , and / or the ones that the professor liked . This first one is , obviously , about the power outage I wrote about in the last post . Power OutageTotal darkness below , but above , the stars - I never knew there were so many . I could stand and stare forever . When the lights came back onmost of the stars disappearedand I can 't look at the night sky anymorewithout thinking about all the stars I can 't see . This one is a villanelle . An AttemptI tried to write a poem for youto let you know how things could be . ( But not a word of it was true . ) I tried to show you something new . I tried so hard to make you see . I tried to write a poem for you . I didn 't put in any blue ; of course there 's none , to you , from me . ( But not a word of it was true . ) I gave you more than just a clue - I gave you the entire key . I tried to write a poem for you . I gave you what I thought was dueso that you wouldn 't choose to flee . I tried to write a poem for you ( but not a word of it was true ) . In this next one , the part about my wanting to go to Australia is true , but although there is a possibility that the program won 't be offered until fall of 2012 , it should be offered fall of 2011 , meaning I will be able to go . HopeTurning in the paperhoping for an A - , at least - and getting it back with a B + . Walking into the dining hall , starvinghoping there will be good pizza today - but finding it a sloppy mess . Getting excited for Australiahoping the program will be offered - then hearing it 's been pushed back another year . Hearing rapid footsteps behind mehoping it 's you , coming to apologize - only to see a stranger stride by . And one more . FogThere 's almost nothing to this fogbut it builds up between usso that I can barely see you . On the 16th , around 9 : 45 , I was vacuuming up on the fourth floor of Gillette . Suddenly , the vacuum shut off . And all the lights went off too . It was a power outage , the first time that ever happened while I was at Houghton . It was new and exciting . There were emergency lights in the dorm halls and stairwells , which was really good . I had been planning to meet people in the campus center at 10 , so I put the vacuum away ( fortunately I had been almost done ) and headed out . All the outside lights were off too , of course , and I could see all the stars . It was amazing . I didn 't know you could see that many stars . It was beautiful . I found my friends in the campus center , and we hung out there some and walked around outside more . People were running around all over the place , screaming and yelling . Someone was setting off illegal fireworks , and I heard that someone drove a car on the sidewalk . People also climbed on the roofs of buildings , and the next day graffiti was found in several different places . That really annoys me , because most people were just enjoying the novelty of the power being out and admiring the stars , but some people thought , " Oh , the power 's out , it 's a great time to do bad things ! " Which is stupid . Anyway , it was an adventure . The Student Life office handed out glow sticks , as if they 'd been prepared for this . The lights came back on a little after 11 . Apparently the power had been out in several towns in the area , and I still don 't know why . But I really didn 't mind at all ; it was fun and different . Yeah , here I am , at Houghton again ; I 've been back for a week , I just haven 't blogged at all . This was a semi - busy week for me , at least compared to how the rest of the semester has been . I had a geology test Thursday that I was studying for and freaking out about all week . When I actually had to take the test , though , I knew almost everything and went through it really fast , so it was way better than I expected . I also had two short soc . papers due on Friday , which I put off until Thursday night . That was a bad choice , but I got them written . And then yesterday was Friday , and I was finally done with everything , and I watched Ratatouille with Adam and Eri after work at the dining hall . Today I went to the college play , Jake 's Women , which was really good . Right now I 'm watching The Italian Job with some girls on my floor , which is several of their favorite movies , although I 've never heard of it . The main characters are in Venice right now , which is where I 'm going in June ! On Monday Nora and I are meeting for dinner to plan a little more about where we 're going and how we 're getting there . I stopped writing last night because I got into the movie . It was pretty good , a fun , action / adventure movie . After that Jaela , Alexa , and I watched half of Harry Potter 6 . Also this week , on Thursday after my geology test , I watched Where the Wild Things are , which the school showed in the chapel . It really wasn 't what I expected ; it was sad and kind of dark and even disturbing at times . I think it was good , though . I also started a new job this week , vacuuming the fourth floor . I do that Tuesday , Thursday , and Saturday while my other cleaning job is MWF , so now I 'm working every day . It 's good ; I have the time for it , and I 'm making more money . On Tuesday my ski class took a trip to Swain Ski Area , about 40 minutes from Houghton , so that we could experience an actual ski resort . It was my first time ever going to a real ski place . The hills were so tall . It was a rainy day , so the top was hidden in fog . At first we took the shorter ski lift , which only went halfway up , so we could do some easy hills . I was surprised at how high off the ground the lift was , so although it was fun it was also a little scary . Getting off and on took a little getting used to . The actual skiing felt really different from skiing at Houghton , because even the short hills were way longer . After a few times the TA had us get on the long ski lift , going all the way up to the top . Everyone was saying how ominous it felt , riding up slowly into the fog . The TA took us down the mile sweep , which was still an easy one , but it didn 't feel like a mile because I was going so fast . Every time I went down any slope it pretty much felt like I lost all control , and it was only through luck that I didn 't fall . I actually did fall once , when I tried a blue square hill . The whole time I was so scared of falling , and then at the very end it suddenly got really steep and I wiped out . My hat flew off , one ski came off , and I lost my poles too . Fortunately I didn 't get hurt at all . So yeah , skiing was interesting ; a very unique experience . By the end I was really wet and cold . I liked it , but I 'm really not that good at it , so I don 't know if / when I 'll go again . But I 'm glad I got to try it . Right now I 'm home on break . It 's really nice to be away from school and be with my family and be lazy . I always feel so different when I 'm at home from how I feel when I 'm at school ; at Houghton I have to be organized and responsible and get to places on time , while here I can do what I want when I want and don 't really have to worry about anything . It 's weird living at such extremes . Houghton feels unreal now . So , today I had my skiing class , so I skied , and I fell down a lot , and it was really discouraging . But I kept trying , and I actually started to do better . Next week we 're going to a real ski place , Holiday Valley . I don 't really feel ready for that , but it will be nice to ski on real slopes and to actually have a chairlift ; here they just have a tow rope , which is really uncomfortable and hurts your arms after a while . Speaking of hurt , one of the time when I fell I did something to my knee . I didn 't really notice it until I was done skiing and was walking around . It hurt and it swelled a little , so now I have ice on it . That 's my story for today . : PI 've been watching a lot of the Olympics ; figure skating , my favorite event , was really good last night . The Chinese were pretty awesome . Yesterday Adam , Steve , and I borrowed Alexa 's car and drove to Rochester to see Avatar in 3D . I drove , and no , we did not get lost . There was a lot of traffic as we got close to the city , and there were pretty strong winds , but everything went fine . We got to the theater and watched the movie , which was almost 3 hours long . The story was really cliché , but the effects and the 3D were really cool , so it was worth seeing . Afterward we went to Adam 's house for dinner . His mom made us calzones , which were amazing , and we had real salad , so much fresher than Houghton 's , and brownies and ice cream for dessert . It was a delicious meal . Then it was time to drive back , which was when it really became an adventure . Steve drove , since I 'd driven the whole way there . It was snowing a little , and it was dark since it was about 9 : 30 by the time we left . We made it onto the highway and back off fine and continued to follow the directions I 'd gotten from Mapquest . But the directions must have been wrong , because we 'd been going for a while and hadn 't seen the road we were supposed to turn onto . Then I suddenly recognized where we were - - the tiny town of Short Tract , which was really ironic because Eri and I and some other people had been lost there on the way back from church a few weeks ago . We 'd called Dan and he had looked up directions and told us how to get back , so I was pretty sure I remembered . But we 'd driven past the road we needed to take , so we had to turn around , and the inside of the car was getting really fogged up and the defrost wasn 't working very well , so Steve pulled over so we could clear it up . But he 'd pulled onto a side road with a good amount of snow on it , and it turned out to be deeper than it looked . We opened a window and wiped the fog off the windshield , and then Steve tried to pull back onto the road . But we couldn 't get out - - we were stuck in a ditch . I definitely had a moment of panic , wondering what we were going to do . Adam and I got out of the car and Steve drove forward , able to move in that direction but still not able to get back on the road . It really looked like we were stuck there . Then Steve tried backing up , and as Adam and I watched the back end of the car pulled up and out of the ditch , and the front end followed . After jumping up and down in celebration , Adam and I got back in the car . Steve turned it around , very careful not to go back in the ditch , and we drove back the way we 'd come . We had to turn around several more times because I was confused about whether the road we needed was on the left or right , but we found it , and it was the right one . It was about 15 or 20 minutes back to Houghton from there . The only other problem we had was that Steve 's window wouldn 't close - - Alexa 's car is pretty old and beat up , and the driver 's side window gets stuck . There 's a special way you have to close it , but I didn 't remember what that was , so we had to drive the rest of the way with the cold wind blowing right into the car . I felt really bad for poor Steve ! But we did make it back , finally ; it was almost midnight and I 'd expected to get back around 11 . It was definitely an adventure , with its scary moments , but it ended well and makes a good story . It was great to get away from Houghton for 9 hours and see a movie in a theater and eat a real meal in a house with a family . Right now I 'm half - watching the Olympics . The biathlon is on , which is a weird sport . Before that was ski jumping , which was pretty cool . Hopefully I 'll be able to catch some of the figure skating tonight . I started another blog last month , mostly for myself , where I post pictures , poems , and songs / song lyrics that I really like . I wanted to have a place to " collect " all these things , so that I can find them quickly and easily . In case you 're interested , it 's http : / / alyshkalia . blogspot . com / . There are a lot of poems on there already , so if you just want to read the ones I like best , go to the right side where it says " labels " and click on " favorites . " A lot of them are ones I read in my poetry class this semester . I mostly mentioned that because I don 't have much else to say right now . Today was an okay day ; I went to class , cleaned in Gillette , watched half an episode of the sci - fi series Firefly ( http : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / Firefly _ ( TV _ series ) ) , worked as salad runner during dinner , and not much else . So yeah , pretty boring . Tonight Jaela , Alexa and I are going to watch the 4th Harry Potter movie , which is probably my favorite one ( not sure though , because I 've only seen it once ) . This week I quit one of my jobs , sweeping and mopping floors in the dining hall once a week . I really didn 't enjoy it , because it was supposed to take only an hour to an hour and a half , but it always took me at least two hours . And it was a pain , because it 's such a big area and it 's always really dirty . And it was boring , because I wasn 't allowed to listen to my iPod while I worked . So on Monday I told my boss I quit , but I had to work today because he hadn 't found anyone to take over . It was utter misery , and I 'm really not exaggerating . It took me two hours and twenty minutes , the longest it 's ever taken . I was really hot and tired and in a bad mood by the end , but now I 'm done forever , and it 's such a relief . I also deactivated my Facebook a few days ago , which probably anyone reading this already knows . Not only did I spend too much time on it , I also was frustrated with the surface - level connection it provides . Status updates simply state what someone is doing , or , if they do talk about anything more serious , it has to be masked by quoted song lyrics . I don 't think everyone should be completely honest on Facebook ; that wouldn 't be appropriate . But that 's the point - - Facebook isn 't meant for deep connection with people . So if I 'm not truly connecting with anyone , why bother ? I have other issues with Facebook as well , which I won 't get into now . Suffice it to say , I 'm very happy it 's gone . I actually enjoy getting on my computer and realizing there 's no Facebook to check . So that was definitely a good decision . Maybe in the future I 'll be back , but for now I 'm staying away . From an email : My first week went pretty well , and this week is going okay too , but it feels like time is going by really slowly . I 'm tired of school and ready to be done already ! I don 't have a lot of homework or anything , just reading so far , but I 'm not enjoying my classes this semester as much as I did last semester . None of them are bad classes , but it seems like none of them make very good use of class time - - for Principles of Sociology we just go over what was in the reading , so it feels like a waste of time because I already learned the stuff , and one of my poetry classes is mostly discussion , so people get to talking / arguing and we don 't really get anywhere , and for Physical Geology the professor gives us the powerpoint slides beforehand , and then the lecture is pretty much exactly what 's on the slides . So going to all of those classes kind of feels like a waste of time or is boring . I am enjoying skiing . We just had our second class yesterday , and it was icy because the snow melted some , so it was a little harder to ski on , but it was still fun . I got to ski down the smaller hill backwards , which I thought would be really hard but actually wasn 't too bad . It reminded me of backwards roller skating a little . So , everything 's going okay . . . it just seems like this is going to be a really long semester . Email to Mom , January 11 ( first day of classes ) : I 'm a little nervous for my classes - - Principles of Sociology has a lot of assignments , Modern and Contemporary American Poetry is just going to be hard because it 's analyzing poetry , and for the poetry writing class we have to write a poem a week . We 'll also be doing a lot of peer editing , and the professor was emphasizing the importance of reading poetry out loud , so it sounds like we 're going to have to read our poems out loud to each other , which of course I don 't want to do . But it still sounds like a good class . And the other classes seem good too . We 're starting with Robert Frost for the other poetry one , and I 'm really enjoying reading him . Other random things ( not from an email ) : I had my first skiing class on Tuesday , which was hard and tiring but also lots of fun . I think I 'm really going to enjoy it . I 'm also working for the first time this semester , cleaning one of the stairwells in my dorm as well as cleaning floors one afternoon a week in the dining hall and being " salad runner " one night a week in the dining hall . The only one I 've done so far is the stairwell , and it 's really not bad . The whole time I think , " I 'm making money , I 'm making money , " and I feel happy . ; )

through the windows and open door as he approached the front desk . " Yes , Yes , how can I help you sir ? " asked the aged man . " Need a room and a bath . " Mick said as he pulled out a silver dollar " Fuck you , I don 't know no Marcie . " Luther said through a gasp . " Think real hard . Texas , a woman with dirty blonde hair , you and the pain in his lungs nearly doubled him over leaving him gasping for air . " You ? Ain 't you supposed to be dead ? " Recognition had settled on back and legs and feet tied together with separate lengths of rope . " I want you to see my face when we are talking . I want you to know I snapped his head to the side like a flag in the wind . " His name ? " Mick asked again . " She was all used up by the time I got to her . She wasn 't even fighting this time from the right . " Give me a name " Mick said breathing hard . " Fuck , she ain 't worth all this trouble . Just a strumpet , get on Luther 's forehead as the man screamed then tossed it out to the side . " Aah you fucking cunt ! Fuck you , fuck you , you god damn son of a The wind howled outside the dusty Victorian window where Bernard now sat looking out at the world beyond his home . It had been many years since Bernard had last stepped outside into the soft air and warm sunlight . He did not mind staying inside all that much ; after all , his home was familiar to him . It smelled of old wood and dusty books . The leaves had started to change color , what was once green and alive now turned red and orange and brown . Fall had arrived and chilly winds had followed . Bernard sat quietly looking out the second floor window in his bedroom where he had passed many days watching the world outside . He 'd sometimes watch a dog as it walked down the street looking quite pleased with its escape from its yard . Other times Bernard would see people walking together , some smiling while others were not . People would often pass his old house ; now and then one would stop to look at the Victorian mansion with curious eyes . Now and again someone would point up to his window and say something to whomever they were with and then move along down the road chatting as friends do . They never noticed Bernard , at least most did not . Once every few years when Bernard was feeling especially lively one might catch a glimpse of him behind those paned glass windows . Today was different though . On this blustery day a young girl stood at the old iron gates that warded off the curious with its ominous blackened bars . A girl of perhaps eight with blond hair and a missing front tooth stood looking between the bars of the gate staring up at Bernard . To his great surprise she waved to him . Thinking it odd that she should wave to him Bernard did not respond . No one ever waved to him ; he was a ghost , an unseen thing to any of the living . Then she waved again , this time more earnestly , baring a smile both warm and earnest . Slowly Bernard raised his hand and waved back , at least he tried to wave back . It had been a very long time since he had waved to anyone and wasn 't quite sure if he remembered how to wave properly . His waveIt was strange to Bernard that the girl had seen him , he had been a ghost for longer than he could remember and couldn 't think of a single human in all those years who could see him . Bernard knew why many people stopped to look at his home ; it was famous in its own way . Things happened here , terrible things , things that made him into a ghost . As for exactly what those terrible things were , Bernard could not remember . Perhaps that is how being a ghost is supposed to be , you remember the good things , but not the bad . Bernard recalled when he was newly a ghost , a family moved into the house , his house . He remembered their pet dog Chip . A funny name for a dog Bernard always thought , but still Chip was as good of a name as any other he supposed . Bernard had many conversations with Chip and he always seemed to understand Bernard . There was the mother and father , then two boys that lived there for a short time . Bernard had tried to play with them , but the boys never seemed to notice him . Eventually Bernard became so angry that he threw a plate off the table one night during dinner . Noodles flew through the air and landed in a mess on the wood floor near chip , who happily accepted this mishap as a treat , eating the noodles before anyone could stop him . Though he could not recall the names of anyone at the table , Bernard did recall the mother being scared , and the father yelling angrily at the boys for playing a prank at the dinner table . Bernard had tried to apologize many times to the mother but she could never hear him . Just like the boys when he tried to play with them , he simply was never seen . The only one who saw him or knew he was there was Chip . Bernard missed Chip , he was a good dog . He 'd never had a dog when he was alive . At least he couldn 't remember ever having a dog . But Bernard knew he 'd have loved a dog if he had one when he was alive . The girl had left and in her absence the gate creaked in the wind as if it missed the company she provided in those few moments it had shared with her . The sun was starting to set and Bernard thought it would be best to turn in for the night . Bernard did many of the same things he did when he was alive , though he thought that perhaps brushing his teeth might be silly since he was a ghost , but he still liked the feeling of the brush on his tongue as he cleaned his teeth . It was while he was in the bathroom that a knock came from somewhere in the house . Looking about , Bernard listened quietly to the stillness , then " Knock , Knock " the sound came again . After a moment more of looking about Bernard realized it was the front door ! How long had it been since someone came knocking on his front door ? He could not be sure , but it was long enough he had forgotten what the sound was , then the sound rang out again . " Knock , Knock ! " Bernard spit then rinsed his mouth out quickly then headed for the front door stopping just before he opened it . Thinking it might be a trick or someone breaking in he decided to peek through the glass peep hole in the door . It is what his mother often did when visitors came knocking on the big front door . Beyond the warped glass of the peephole stood the little blond girl from the gate , dressed in a coat looking impatiently at the door then she reached up with her little hand making a fist then " Knock , Knock , Knock ! " Bernard wasn 't sure of what he should do . " No one visits ghosts , no one can see me " Bernard thought as he looked away from the peep hole . A fourth round of Knocks came and he looked back at the peep hole and the girl was now looking right back at him then she opened her mouth . " Helloooooooo ! " she said loud enough Bernard could hear her perfectly through the door . " I know you 're in there , I saw you in the window ! Open the door please . " said the little girl through the large oak door . Bernard was a little scared , no one could see him . At least no one had seen him since , well , since he became a ghost . Not wanting to be rude Bernard reached for the lock and pushed the bolt back just enough that the door came open . It was hard to do , but she was the first one to see him since Chip the dog and he felt a twinge of excitement rush through his ghostly body as the lock made a small " click " noise . The door clicked then opened as the young girl pushed on the door handle . The large old heavy oak door opened slightly with a loud creaking noise . Pushing harder the young girl was able to push it far enough to squeeze through the opening then looked up to Bernard . " You aren 't very good at answering questions . My Nana said it 's not polite to ask a question back to someone who asked you one first . " She said while looking about her entrance to the old house . " So , why are you floating ? " " I … I 'm sorry … You shouldn 't be here . Um … . You should go , yes you should leave . This is no place for a girl to be . " Bernard said trying to sound like he imagined his father would . Bernard willed himself to the floor and thought hard about what to say . He hadn 't had any visitors since some teenagers had snuck in the house one summer night . Now he wasn 't sure what one is supposed to do when a visitor came to your door . As he stood there thinking what to do or say the girl stuck out her mitten covered hand . Stars sparkled on the outside of her pink gloves as her hand hovered in the air outstretched towards Bernard . " Well why not ? Are you sick ? Nana told me to not shake someone 's hand if I have been coughing and sick . So are you ? " The girl said with her hand still held out for him . " Wait you can 't come in here like this , you don 't belong here . " Bernard protested with a ghostly stomp of his foot which didn 't make even the slightest noise when it hit the floor . This didn 't stop Kara in the least bit as she walked up the stairs using the hand rail for balance . Lifting her hand from the railing she looked at the dust now on her mitten . " This place is dirty , we should clean it up if we are going to be friends and play here . Don 't you think Bernard ? " Kara said as she walked the stairs looking at the old paintings on the wooden walls that dust had covered . " Friends " ? Bernard hadn 't thought of having a friend since Chip and yet here a girl could see him just as plain as Chip could and she wanted to be friends . She had even shaken his hand ! As he stood thinking , Kara had turned the corner at the top of the stairs and headed up the second flight towards the upper floor where his room was . With the panicked thought of a girl in his room Bernard floated up through the floors pushing past the old cob webs that tickled his nose and face and came up through the floor right in front of Kara . Kara stopped for a moment and thought about what Bernard had said . " Well you are a ghost and I suppose you could do some pretty bad things to a person who made you mad . So , may I look around upstairs and also see your room with the window you watch from ? " Kara asked with a wide smile missing a front tooth . " I wouldn 't do anything to you , I couldn 't do anything . I don 't think I can anyway , but you still shouldn 't be here . This is my house and it 's old and you are far too new to be here . " With that word said Bernard thought he had the answer to his problem ! " You should just come back when you are a ghost too and then you can see my window . " Kara walked past Bernard " That 's just silly , it 's just a room with a window in it . " Not stopping this time she walked the hall to each door on the floor opening and looking inside for just a brief moment before closing it until she came to door at the end of the hall . As she opened the door Bernard flew in front of her putting his arms out wide to block her from entering . Kara simply ducked under his left arm and went inside to find a room with a bed and dresser , an empty closet , and the three paned bay windows that she had seen Bernard in earlier . Clapping her hands she ran to the window jumping up onto the old pillows that were lying on the bench under the window . Dust plumed up around her which made her cough a bit as she waved the dust from her face with her hand . Bernard laughed as the dust swirled around her . He had not known that would happen since he sat there every day without dust being kicked up . Bernard laughed , he laughed hard . It was the first time he had laughed since being a ghost . It was his first laugh , with his first friend , as a ghost . Maybe it wasn 't so bad having a friend . Maybe Kara did belong in the house he thought . That is until she turned around and walked out of the room and headed down the hall . Bernard followed behind her floating down the staircase just behind her . " You can stay , I didn 't mean it when I said you didn 't belong here . " Not wanting to see his new friend leave so soon after meeting her . " I 'll be back , I 'll come visit you soon ok . " Kara said as she pulled on the large heavy front door which creaked again . Then out the door she went waving behind her as she ran down the sidewalk and out of sight leaving Bernard alone . The house felt empty without Kara in it . Bernard couldn 't understand or explain why , but he felt sad that she had gone . He had wanted her to leave didn 't he ? He had said that he wanted her too leave , he thought to himself . Yes he wanted her out of his home , she didn 't belong there . This was a place for a ghost , not a living girl . With those thoughts swirling in his head he went to his room and watched the moon rise , cars drive past his yard and iron fence . It was nearly 3am when he went to the back of the house to watch the old chapel and cemetery come to life as it did most every night . The graveyard seemed like a fun place he 'd like to visit one day , but never seemed to remember until they were well into their party . From a distance Bernard watched as the ghost of the graveyard danced and laughed with one another . He watched until the sun started to rise and the urge to rest came over him as it did every night . So off to his bed he went to sleep . Bernard woke sometime later and opened his eye to a pair of living blue green eyes staring down at him only a couple inches away . " AAAHHHH " he yelled as the eyes fell back revealing the smiling face of Kara who started to laugh as he fell through his bed to the floor . " Why are you still sleeping ? Don 't you know it 's nearly dinner time ? " Kara asked to the bed knowing he was either inside the bed or below it . " I always sleep until now . " Kara turned her head in a ponderous way thinking . " You must be the laziest ghost I know . " She said as she bounced off the bed trailing dust behind her . " Want to go outside and play in the graveyard down the block from your house ? " Bernard hadn 't been outside ever . In fact he didn 't know if he could go outside . " I don 't know if I can . " Bernard thought for a moment " I 've never tried to go outside . I don 't know if other ghosts have mothers . I 'm the only ghost I know besides the ones in the graveyard that dance at night . " he said slightly excited by the thought of leaving the house for the first time . " Well it 's settled , after dinner we will go out to the graveyard and see if we can dance and play with the other ghost . I 've always wanted to dance with ghosts ! " Kara said . " Ghosts can 't go outside during the day , everyone knows that . " Kara responded while rolling her eyes at him as if he had just asked the silliest question a boy could ever ask . Bernard felt a flush come over his ghostly face and was slightly embarrassed for not knowing something that he obviously should know as a ghost . Kara then walked out of Bernard 's room and headed down the old dusty wooden staircase with Bernard close behind her . " When will you be finished with dinner ? " Bernard asked remembering how sometimes his mother and father would go for dinner , how he would fall asleep waiting for them to come home . Only to find that he woke the next morning to his mother patting his shoulder smiling at him telling him to get ready for the day . Bernard never knew how long his parents dinners lasted or how he always ended up in his bed the next morning ; regardless of where Bernard might have been the night before waiting up for their return . Now with Kara now leaving for dinner Bernard felt anxious , not knowing if he 'd have to fall asleep and awake somewhere else for their adventure to begin . " I won 't be gone long , just a quick trip through a rabbit hole and I 'll be back before you know it . " Kara said as she reached for the old doorknob on the front door . Bernard couldn 't stop himself from smiling as his new friend walked out the door . He smiled not because Kara was leaving , but smiling because she promised to return to him . Bernard did not have long to wait , or at least it didn 't seem like a long wait . For a ghost , waiting is not so much a thing to do , but a state of being . Bernard had waited on a great many things . He had waited on the seasons to change so he could enjoy the leaves his favorite tree change from green to gold and then float away on the autumn breeze . He had waited for new owners of his house to arrive . He had even waited on Chip to someday return and continue their conversations they once had . He had even waited on a snail to crawl from the bottom of the staircase to the top a " I don 't think I have one . It 's ok though , I don 't get cold anymore . " Bernard said smiling at his bundled friend smothered under her coat and stocking hat with a white ball on top . With little more than a sound Kara turned about and walked out the front door with Bernard just behind her . As they traveled down the side walk Bernard looked back , half expecting the house to pull him back inside . The house did not attempt to pull him nor push him . The house simply sat there as it always had , dark and empty of people or ghost , but full of dust and furniture . Noticing that Kara was walking while he floated , Bernard thought it best to do as she did and walk . He wasn 't sure if floating outside was a good idea or not . There wasn 't a roof to help keep him close to the ground out here , so Bernard settled into a pace beside Kara and they walked down the sidewalk , to the old Iron Gate where Kara stopped and held out her hand . " Do we need to shake hands again ? " Bernard asked Kara rolled her eyes at him before saying " No silly , you can 't go past your property without holding my hand . If you did then you 'd float away and I might not see you again for a very long time . But people in planes might ! " She added with a smile . Bernard took her hand feeling the warmth in it even through her star covered pink mittens . The pair then walked on to the graveyard . " Kara , what 's a plane ? " The trip wasn 't very long and didn 't take much time until the duo arrived at the cemetery , according to Kara it had only taken a short time to reach . Bernard being terrible with understanding what was a short time for living people accepted Kara 's determination of the allotted time for the travel as being short . The graveyard was old and smelled of wet leaves and stone . The grass did not receive care very often , but it wasn 't overgrown yet . The entrance was framed by a large sandstone pillar on each side giving way to a wide open area that had two paths worn down by cars , wagons and other things with wheels . On top of each pillar at the entrance stood an angel with outstretched wings , not real angels mind you , these were just statues . Bernard stood at the entrance for just a moment as Kara bowed her head and started to whisper something Bernard couldn 't quite hear . " What was that ? " Bernard asked . Looking up Kara smiled saying " Just saying thank you to the Grave Keeper for letting me visit . " Bernard looked around not knowing what a grave keeper looked like , he wasn 't sure if he would spot one even if he looked right at him . Looking about , Bernard didn 't see anyone that might or might not be a grave keeper . " You are kind of funny . " He said to Kara . " My Nana tells me I 'm funny too . She also told me that I should always thank those who are nice enough to let me visit . " Kara said . The wind howled a lonely moan across the gravestones worn and beaten down by time and storms . From where Bernard stood just outside the gates of the graveyard it appeared dark and empty . Bernard thought that none of the ghosts he had seen from his window in the nights past were in the cemetery tonight . " Perhaps the ghosts I 've seen are on holiday right now . It doesn 't look like anyone is here . " Bernard said . " Of course they are here ! You just haven 't gone inside yet . " Kara said pulling him by the hand into the old dark graveyard . As soon as Bernard crossed the threshold of the graveyard the darkness vanished , replaced by light and laughter . Looking about the graveyard , it was now lit with torches and lanterns , music danced along the wind that no longer howled but sang along with the tune of Elvis singing Jail House Rock . There were ghosts everywhere , some were young looking like Bernard and others old like his gran used to be right before she died . Kara and Bernard walked further in and the music suddenly stopped . All at once each of the ghosts in the graveyard looked at Bernard and Kara with clear shining eyes that worried Bernard . " Maybe we should just go back to the house . " He said to Kara . Kara gave his hand a squeeze then smiled and looked at all the ghosts . " Hello ! My name is Kara and this is Bernard . We wanted to know if we could join you on this fine evening ? " Out of the crowd of ghosts a tall man came forward , dressed in a tall hat and fancy jacket like someone from a very long time ago with white hair and a funny accent said . " Well , well . A fleshy has come to visit us . " As he looked around to the crowd the tall ghost turned his attention to Bernard . " She isn 't normal is she ? Also why haven 't you visited us sooner lad ? We have seen you most every night for nearly a hundred years looking out your window at us ! " Laughter and agreement rose from the crowd of ghosts . Not knowing what to say Bernard stood in place , wanting to say something witty or smart . But instead he said " Um , I don 't know . " Laughter came again from the crowd then Kara spoke loudly . " You all be nice to him , he 's been alone in that house for a very long time ! " A woman dressed in a maid 's uniform said to the ghost next to her " a hundred years isn 't that long , is it ? " Kara continued " I asked the Grave Keeper if we could enter and we were granted permission . Even my Nana said I could visit you all tonight , and she told me that you all would be excited to see us . Do I need to tell my Nana that she was wrong ? She doesn 't like to be wrong you know . " The tall ghost with the funny accent looked at Kara seriously and said . " No , we don 't know . Who is this Nana you speak of ? Is she a necromancer or a witch ? Never much liked Necromancers , though Witches were always fine by me . " Kara now with a very serious face replied to the tall man . " She is Nana , the first Nana , my Nana . Everyone knows Nana . " She said exasperated by trying to explain to the ghost who her Nana was . Leaning on a cane next to a gravestone with a flying eagle atop it a woman came forward . " Kara dear , we know many Nana 's here , I was a Nana to my seventeen grand babies . Is your Nana special or different from Nana 's like me ? " she asked in an old crackling voice sweet as honey . Kara thought for a moment and didn 't know if her Nana was special or different . But she did know one thing . " My Nana caThe old woman leaning on her cane smiled and said . " Child , if you can see us and you can talk with the Grave Keeper and your Nana planted the old Whispering Tree in the middle of town then yes , your Nana is special and different and very old . But don 't tell her I said she was old . " She said with a wink . " My name is Henrietta , but you can call me Henry . Everyone else here does . " As Kara and Henry chatted the music began to play again , ghosts began to dance with one another and laughter was heard once more . Twisting and twirling about ghost men and ghost women danced , laughed and sang along with the band . A band rumored to have once played for King Henry the IV who didn 't care for their whimsical tone and had them all beheaded . " I suppose you are telling the truth , I have a way about smelling a lie . " Henry said as she stood up leaning heavily upon her cane . Bernard stepped in line behind Kara as Henry walked away from the festivities saying " Keep up child ; you are a ghost not a snail . " Bernard who was watching the festivities had slowed his pace and now felt slightly embarrassed . Kara followed effortlessly behind Henry as she weaved her way through the cemetery . Bernard continued to bump into headstones eliciting grumbles and a few ghostly fist shakings up from the ground at him as he disturbed their slumber . All the same it was still very exciting for Bernard who quickly forgot that he had been quite scared only moments earlier when he and Kara stood before the gates of Blackwood Cemetery . Henry walked and talked with the Kara and Bernard about the cemetery and the good people who lived there . " It 's a good place to rest , I think those of us who have been here at Blackwood for a few years think it 's the best place to be . Bernard you might consider moving down here so you can be around us more . " Henry said as they passed a headstone taller than both Kara and Bernard , but not quite as tall as Henry . " Do you think the others would mind ? " Bernard asked feeling a bit of excitement welling up in his ghostly stomach while stepping over fallen sticks from the old overhanging oak tree . Henry 's withered smile grew across her translucent face as she said " you let me worry about those old bags of bones . But you will need to see if our young friend here can ferry you from your home here . It 's not safe for you to wander unguided you know . " Bernard didn 't know . He thought about how he had arrived in the cemetery , but found he was surprised that he couldn 't remember how he had actually arrived here . Bernard knew he had left his home with Kara , but after that he just knew he was here . Seeing the look of confusion on his face Kara walked over and took his hand in her small hands then closed her eyes and smiled . Her smile was beautiful Bernard thought , suddenly he remembered their long walk and the statues outside the cemetery , of Kara bowing her head whispering to the Grave Keeper . Kara continued to smile with her eyes closed as the voice of Henry spoke gently behind him . " You know nothing poor child . We can 't wander from our homes without people like her . Your friend is a special one we used to call Spirit Walkers . If you tried to journey from your home here without her you would lose your mind and become a Wraith or something worse . " Henry said as gentle as a grandmother could . When Kara let go of Bernard 's hand the memories began to slip away from him . No matter how hard he tried to hold on to the memories of the walk from his home to the cemetery . Of how he stopped floating to walk alongside Kara , about the questions he had asked , they all slipped away . Like water running through his hands the memories fell away until they were once again gone . " Why can 't I remember how I came here when you aren 't holding my hand ? " Bernard asked Kara who suddenly looked older than she had at the gate outside his home . " A ghost can 't be where a ghost shouldn 't be . " Kara said . Henry patted Bernard on the shoulder with her boney ghost hand " Come along littles , we have some talking to do with the rest of the cemetery folk to grant you haven while you are here my boy . " She walked windingly through the cemetery for what seemed like hours , mostly due to her dragging foot . Henry walked along telling stories of Gambler Pete who was buried in the northwest corner of the cemetery after he was caught cheating at cards in 1894 . Reginald Horsehoof who was an adopted Native American raised up north with some rich white folk who taught him the strangest dances which he often could be seen dancing after dark down with the others near the large sleeping tree . Henry pointed Kara to a tall headstone off to their left and told of Letty the last witch in these parts . " Turns out she isn 't even buried there and actually haunts a night club down town . " Henry said . The three walked and talked for a long while until the sounds of laughter and music could be heard and lights from the nightly ghostly gathering was a short distance from them . " Walter , I must speak with you . " Henry said as she walked leaning on her cane . The tall man who had addressed both Kara and Bernard responded to Henry by slightly nodding his head towards her in a respectful way that reminded Bernard of how his father would tip his hat towards his mom when he would leave the house . As Henry and the tall ghost called Walter walked a little ways away the sounds of the jovial ghost laughing and telling stories along with some singing swallowed any sound that Henry and Walter made , leaving their conversation a mystery to Bernard . Kara had contented herself to sit down on a tomb that was short enough for her tiny frame to sit comfortably on and swing her legs as she watched and began to sing along with the ghost who sang in merry harmony , a song Bernard did not know but enjoyed the happy tune none the less . The moon passed overhead until the waning hours of darkness before the festivities began to wind down . Bernard found himself re " Kara dear , you need to get Bernard home before the sun is fully up . Otherwise it might attract the Snatchers . I 'd hate to deal with your Nana if the Snatchers got hold of you and Bernard . " Henry said as Kara rubbed her eyes letting the knitted blanket bunch up around her waist . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't mean to fall asleep . " Kara said through a half yawn . Kara folded the blanket carefully and handed it to Henry who took it in her ghostly hands and pulled it close to her chest . The warmth of the child still lingered for a few moments and it reminded Henry for just a moment of holding one of her littles from long ago . Bernard was finding it hard to stay awake at this point , but thanks to his new friend Carl " The Dread Pirate of Washington River " as he referred to himself , Bernard managed to make it through the night and have a lovely time . Noticing that Kara had woke Bernard walked over to her and offered his hand to help her down off the tombstone and with a few good byes and promises to visit again soon the pair headed off to Muckmire Manor hand in hand . Chapter 3 As Bernard watched Kara walk down the sidewalk in the early dawn light he noticed that a sheet of paper had been stuck to his front door . " By the edict of City Counselor Terry Hoff and Mayor Mortimer Klinger this property is set to be auctioned Saturday the 9th of October . To be sold in its entirety with all possessions of the property becoming the sole property of the highest bidder . If no bids of adequate funds are made the property is to be demolished and repurposed by the city of Mooresville . " Bernard left the notice on the door unsure of what " auction " or " repurposed " meant . " Perhaps Kara will know what this means . " He thought . Stretching his arms in the open door as the first rays of the morning sun peeked over the nearby mountain he watched the sun shine through his ghostly arm and shut the door . The sun never hurt Bernard , but he often found it annoying and hard to see things with all the light . Cloudy days were his favorite to be awake for . He could happily sit in his window and watch people walk by , coming and going about their lives unaware that he had made up names and stories for each of the people he saw . Bernard reached the top of the stairs and floated into his room without opening the door . He was simply too tired to be bothered with a door , he climbed into bed and was asleep before he could finish remembering all that had happened in the graveyard . " Knock , " knock , knock ! " rang out from the front door . It was much louder than when Kara had knocked on his front door . It was so loud that it woke him from his sleep . Bernard rubbed his hands across his face then stretched . " KNOCK , KNOCK , KNOCK ! " the front door rang out again , louder this time . Bernard floated through the floor quickly wondering who could be at his door that would knock so hard . Certain it could not be Kara he floated up to the peep hole to see who was outside . Through the looking glass he could see an older woman with very tall gray hair . Wrinkles covered her entire face and when she smiled Bernard could see for just a moment a little bit of a resemblance to Kara . " Hellooooooo dearie , open up we have much to discuss if you don 't want to be homeless . " The old woman said in a crackling voice . Memories of his life before being a ghost came to mind , an old teacher who used to call him " Dearie " and his ghostly heart warmed just a tiny bit . Bernard opened the door and before him stood a woman in a bright pink shawl over a gray dress that matched her very tall curly gray hair . Thick horn rimmed glasses with silver chain strap hung from each side of her glasses and around her neck so that they wouldn 't fall down when she took them off . She was slightly bent over and held a fine wooden cane with fairies carved all along the shaft ending in a handle of a bear head . " Kara has told me so much about you Bernard , my name is Nana . Can I come in ? " the old woman asked . " You 're Nana ? Kara 's Nana ? " Bernard asked still holding the door . " Yes , I 'm her Nana and other 's Nana as well . The wind has picked up and my old bones feel the chill of winter coming dearie . " Nana said pulling her shawl tighter with one hand while leaning on the fairy cane . Bernard concentrated and pulled the door open as far as he could . The door being from the real world and rather heavy was more of a challenge than he had thought . He had only unlocked it for Kara when she came to visit . With Nana on the other side Bernard felt it was only gentlemanly of him to open the door for her . So he did . Nana walked into the home stopping just past the threshold , closed her eyes and took a very deep breath . " You are alone child , how have you remained ? " Nana asked as she smacked her lips together as if tasting something odd . " It 's always been just me . I didn 't have anywhere else to go , so I just stayed . " Bernard replied watching Nana as she kept her eyes closed still smacking her lips together . Nana opened her eyes and coughed out a puff of dust from the deep breath she had just taken . Bernard wondered if he should go to the faucet and give her a drink . But he remembered that there were no glasses in his cupboards . Nana only coughed once to his relief . " Please come in and sit Nana , is Kara alright ? " Bernard asked . " Oh she is fine dearie , sleeping after her adventure with you last night . She had a wonderful time visiting with Henry and the others . I 'm here about the notice on your door . You must have read it by now , you do read don 't you ? " She asked as she walked over to a sofa with old stiff pillows that plumed dust as she sat . " Yes ma ' am , I can read . Though I don 't know what the notice means . " Bernard said a bit embarrassed at his lack of knowledge . " It means that certain people in town want to take your house away , along with the field and the cemetery just down the block from here . These people want to build new buildings and destroy the history of this part of town . The city Mayor thinks that this neighborhood would be best turned into apartment buildings . " Nana explained . " It means that you and all the lovely souls from Blackwood Cemetery would be ' displaced ' . This would likely end in one of two ways . The first would be the best and that would be to just cross over to the other side . But in all my years I have seen the second happen far too often when tethered earth is disturbed . The spirits turn into wraiths , things without conscious thought , consumed by hatred and fear they can even become shadow people . They will hunt and hurt people who have done no harm to them . I 'm sure you don 't want to become either of those things . " Nana said while holding her fairy cane in front of her with both hands resting atop the Bear head handle . " I don 't want to go anywhere , I like my home . I don 't want to be a shadow person or a wraith ! " Bernard said scared . " In that case , you will be seeing more of me very soon Bernard . " Nana said as she tried to stand . Her first try was her rocking forward , the second attempt had her on the edge of the couch and by the third try she was standing leaning heavily on her cane . " What should I do ? " Bernard asked following behind Nana as she walked to the door . " You just stay right here and start cleaning . You might try to open some windows and let some fresh air in here . The wood here is very tired of the same air . " Nana said as she opened the front door and closed it behind her leaving Bernard alone in a house that now seemed far too large for one tiny ghost to haunt . The hours passed and Bernard tried very hard to open the windows of the house . His ghostly hands kept slipping through the wood frame and glass every time he tried to lift . From window to window Bernard moved and tried to open the old house up but nothing gave way to his efforts . The sun had already set and it was well into the evening when most people stopped walking down the sidewalk outside his home when a soft " knock " came from the door . A " knock " that sounded very much like the one that he had heard just yesterday . Standing outside the door Bernard could see through the peep hole Kara in her pink star covered mittens waving up at him . He unlocked the door and she pushed it open smiling to her friend . " Nana said she came to visit you today . " Kara said as she walked into the living room . " Yes , she said that she would help with the auction notice and keep me from becoming a shadow person . " said Bernard . " You , and the nice ghosts at Blackwood Cemetery ! " Kara said . " She said we would have to pack up soon and that I should come help with opening the windows here . Nana said you were having a hard time opening them up like she asked . " " How could she know that ? " Bernard said embarrassed again . He had tried very hard to get them open but simply couldn 't . " Nana knows lots of things , she is very old you know . " Kara said as she went to the dining room and pushed hard on the wooden frame of a window that faced towards the cemetery . " She came from the Willows and they know everything . But everyone knows that . " Bernard didn 't know that , but he didn 't want to admit that in front of his friend . " It 's ok that you didn 't know , you are a ghost and have been in this house a long time by yourself . So , I guess its ok that you didn 't know about the Willows . Do you know about the Whispering Tree Nana planted in town ? " Kara asked as she stood on a cedar chest and pushed up on a second window . Bernard had never heard of the Willows before last night , or about the Whispering Tree . In fact , before last night Bernard hadn 't known a great number of things he now knew . Feeling less embarrassed , Bernard admitted that he didn 't know about the Willows or the Whispering Tree . " Well " Kara said . " The Willows is where really special people come from . They help things in the world , old things , like your house . Without the Willows nothing would be old , everything would be knocked down and we wouldn 't remember anything about our past . " Kara hopped down from the cedar chest and walked into the kitchen which was darker than the rest of the house . From inside her coat Kara pulled a metal stick out of her pocket and Bernard wondered what it was . " Huh ? " Kara responded looking down at her flashlight . " Oh it 's a flashlight , see ? " She said as she pushed the switch forward and light as bright as the sun illuminated Bernard 's face . Bernard fell back yelling " Ahhhhh ! " and fell through the floor into the basement . Above him he could hear Kara laughing and as he poked his head through the floor cautious of being attacked by the light stick again Kara was busy laughing and even made a snorting sound as she rolled on the ground . " Your face ! Bernard , your face was so funny ! " she laughed and snorted again like a pig . " You 've never seen a flashlight before ? " She asked . " No , isn 't it dangerous to have a sun in that stick and to carry it around in your pocket ? " Bernard asked still only keeping his head poking through the floor in case the flash light attacked him again . " No silly , it 's not dangerous . It is only light so I can see in here . Everyone has one now . We don 't use lanterns anymore like you used too , unless we are camping in the Willows . " Kara said as she stood . The pair continued through the house opening windows on the first and second floor . Bernard didn 't tell her about the third floor that still held his treasure . He wasn 't sure why he didn 't tell her , but he thought he should keep that secret for now . Kara left that night promising to return the next day after school to help clean the house and to teach him how to " Polterguyth " things . The next evening when Bernard woke he looked out his bedroom window . He expected to see folks returning from work or walking their dog before dinner . Instead what he found was a view of a tree that shouldn 't have been there . This wasn 't his favorite tree that he had watched changed colors every year . He would have recognized that tree . Bernard thought long and hard but couldn 't remember there ever being a tree there before . " Trees don 't just move on their own , do they ? " he thought to himself . Downstairs he heard commotion , the sound of cabinets opening and closing , footsteps on the hard wood floors . The smell of pine and something strange is what caused Bernard to poke his head through the second floor to look in on what was going on below in the kitchen . There in the kitchen was Kara mop in hand humming a melody . She didn 't notice him , so Bernard said " Hello " . Kara did not respond . Concerned Bernard floated closer to her and noticed that she had strange string coming out of her ears . A worm or snake is in her ears ! Thought Bernard and he rushed to aid his friend . He grabbed the strings and pulled . " Pop " came the sound from her ear as the head on what had to be the world 's thinnest snakes came out of both of her ears . " Hey I was listening to that ! " Kara said dropping her mop handle . " I saved you ! " Bernard said . " See the snakes ! " He pointed to the black strings with strange heads now lying on the floor . " Oh right … you don 't know what these are either . I have a lot to teach you , don 't I ? " Kara said as she picked them off the floor and held them up for Bernard to see . " They are ear buds . You listen to music on them . See ? " She said pointing to the small thin box she had stuck to her belt . " They go in your ears and you pick what song you want to listen to from the list and push play . Then music comes out of those ' Snakes ' that were in my ear . " Kara said sarcastically . Bernard leaned his head closer to the small head on the string , thankful he was already a ghost because ghost can 't get bit by snakes . To his great surprise , the sounds of music came out , though the sound was much different than the phonograph tubes his mother played when he was a boy . Smiling Bernard said to Kara " Sorry , I thought they were snakes . " He looked about the kitchen which was dust free from just above the height of Kara to the floor . The room smelled of fresh pine but with a bit of astringent . It smelled clean ! " How long have you been here ? " He asked . " Since just after school . Oh , do you know what happened at school today ? " Kara asked . Bernard shook his head no . " They canceled Halloween ! Can you believe that ? We always have a Halloween party at the school , but this year they canceled it ! " " Why did they do that ? Did the adults get scared of the costumes ? They do know that it 's just children under those scary masks right ? " Bernard said . " The principle said it was due to pressure from the school board . It is the same excuse he used when he took Pizza off the lunch menu ! " Kara said putting one of her hands on her waist angrily . " Well you can have Halloween here if you want ! " Bernard said . " My house is big enough for a whole town I bet ! " " That is a great idea Bernard ! I 'll ask Nana if we can and then tell everyone at school ! This will be the best Halloween ever . Just wait until I tell them that a real ghost lives here , they will freak out ! " Kara said excitedly . Remembering the tree outside his window suddenly Bernard asked " Why is there a big tree with lots of little limbs all drooping and sad looking in the front yard ? " " Oh Nana and I planted a Whispering tree here so the city won 't tear down your house . Nana owns anything with a Whispering tree in the yard . It is part of the law from way back before I was born , maybe even before my Mom was born . " Kara said as a matter of fact . " But this is my house , how can Nana own it if it is my home ? " Bernard asked confused . " Oh didn 't I tell you ? We are moving in . Why else would I be mopping the floor and cleaning the kitchen ? Nana loves a clean kitchen . " Kara replied . Bernard watched as Kara swept and wiped and cleaned and shined and polished all evening until it was time for her to leave . Bernard waved to her as she walked down the sidewalk wondering what would happen to their other home if Kara and Nana were coming to stay here . He couldn 't stop them , he was just a ghost and he hadn 't stopped any of the other families that had lived here since becoming a ghost . At least this family can see him , like Chip , his old friend the dog . Over the next few days Kara came and cleaned , Bernard watched and talked with her . This went on until one afternoon Bernard woke early to the sounds of shouting outside his window . Rubbing his eyes he floated to the window bench and sat down to look out into the yard . He couldn 't see much because of the tree that now was larger than it had been just a few days earlier . But the tree didn 't stop the sound of Nana shouting at someone about " respect for the deceased " and something about the " Willows Way " . Once Bernard came downstairs he found Kara looking out into the yard at Nana who was still talking with what now appeared to be two men . " Nana is really mad , she is going to make one of them go bald for sure ! Just watch . " Kara said looking out the glass . Bernard didn 't understand what she meant , but he watched out the window with her . Doing what he thought a friend should , just sitting quietly next to her , being there if she got scared or angry or sad or happy . Having a friend was something that Bernard had forgotten about . He had thought a lot about Chip lately . Chip had been a good friend , but he was a dog and as good of a friend as they can be he wasn 't a person that could tell him things like Kara could . After a few more minutes of Nana shaking her cane at one of them a shriek was let oA few minutes later Nana had seemed to calm down . She started putting cups away in the cabinets , forks and spoons in a drawer and even set out a white ceramic jar with the words " Nana 's Coffee " written on it . " Kara dear , you will need to work extra hard these next two weeks . We will be having several new friends staying with us . " Nana said as she turned the switch to the lights on the wall and lights glowed brightly . Saturday the 9th came and no one came to tear down the house . Instead Kara and Nana had brought over several new items into the house . According to Kara some strangers called " Movers " brought all of their belongings from their other house to this one . Bernard never saw these " Movers " , he never saw anyone , or heard anyone , or even smelled anyone that could have brought all of their things over . It just seemed to appear one day . Kara had a room just down the hall from Bernard 's . It had a horse with a horn coming out of its head painted on one wall . The other walls were pink with shiny stars covering them . The lights worked in every room of the house now , though not a single light bulb had been changed . The house was clean and warm and music seemed to play softly all the time . Nana and Kara talked a lot about things that didn 't interest Bernard , about her grades at school or about a boy that was mean to her . Sometimes they talked about weird things that he simply didn 't care to ever understand . Late one night after Nana and Kara had both gone to sleep Bernard sat looking out at the back yard which now had another tree with droopy limbs . Nana had called it a Whispering Willow . It had grown like the one that had appeared in front of his window at the front of the house , but this one had stones under it . Strangely familiar stones , some were larger than others , some were square and some were round . Others had shapes coming out of the top of them . It was while Bernard was looking at the great number of stones that now were strewn all across the back yard that Henry patted him on his shoulder . " Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh ! " Bernard shouted and turned around . He hadn 't expected anyone to touch him . " Oh hush yourself child , you will wake the dead yelling like that . " She said with a laugh . " How are you here ? You touched me ! How ? " Bernard said surprised to see the old woman from Blackwood Cemetery in his house . " Well , your friend is very special . The city is tearing down Blackwood you see . But Nana and Ka " What do you mean ' are ' ? " He asked . " It 's hard to explain child , but I think the best way to describe it is that your friends are able to help make things right . We lost our home , Nana and Kara gave us a new one . We aren 't all here yet , but we will be soon . " Henry said smiling . Henry had been right , each night more and more tombstones appeared in the backyard . Bernard would walk with Henry through the rows of graves that seemed to magically appear when he wasn 't looking . He would pass familiar ghostly faces and greet them with a smile . When he would come across an unfamiliar face Bernard would stop and visit . He would ask what their name was , when they became a ghost , if they liked it here . Each night the yard seemed to grow , both in number of graves and in size . Bernard wasn 't inclined to believe in witches and wizards , but there was something oddly magical about how his seemingly normal backyard had transformed into a replica of Blackwood Cemetery in a few short nights . Bernard rarely saw Kara during this time . The few times he did see her it was when Kara was walking hand in hand with a ghost from the old cemetery . Bernard didn 't mind her being gone so much . He had many new faces and ghost to meet and talk with . So many , that he found himself quite busy too . He missed spending time with his living friend though and hoped that she felt the same . As it turns out , ghosts are great company . You never feel alone with a cemetery full of ghosts for a backyard . They told stories of their lives and of times before his own and some after . As exciting as all of the stories were Bernard still longed to know what was happening past the gate in front of his house . He still would watch the people walking by and would still make up stories in his head about where they were coming from and where they were going . By the eve before Halloween Kara and Nana had nearly everything in place for the celebration , the cauldron was on the front lawn , the spider webs made of string covered the Whispering Tree . Nana had hung fake skeletons from the tree and ghoHalloween The sun was setting as a cool October wind hinted at winter in the coming months . The sky was clear and the Bernard could see the very first of the stars coming into view as he sat on his bench by his bedroom window . Downstairs he could hear Nana cooking in the kitchen , pots clanging and water running . The smell was rich and sweet , like candy and cakes . Outside his room he heard Kara skipping down the hall and into his room . " Are you ready ? " Kara asked . " Of course they will see you ! When Nana tells a story everyone believes her . That 's all it really takes to see a ghost anyway , if you really believe then it can come true . " Kara said in a convincing tone . Bernard wasn 't sure her plan would work . Nana and Kara wanted to tell a ghost story and have Bernard float down through the ceiling just when Nana finished telling how a ghost still haunted Muckmire Manor . In the past Bernard had tried very hard to get people to see him . He tried for many years . He tried talking to people . He tried yelling . He even threw dishes at one family when he had lost his temper . It wasn 't until Chip the dog had seen him that he knew he wasn 't invisible to everyone . Kara had been right about many things since he met her . He decided to trust his friend and see if the spooky prank would work . Bernard still doubted if anyone who wasn 't unique , like Kara or Nana , would actually see him , but it would make Kara happy so he decided to play his part of a spooky ghost . Kara skipped back down the hall and down the long wooden staircase , each step giving a slight squeak as she walked down holding onto the polished rail . Once she reached the landing at the bottom of the staircase Kara checked the front door to make sure that it was unlocked and easy to open and close . It had given her a bit of trouble the first time she had come in , when it had belonged to just Bernard . It had been dusty and old but Kara felt that the house was special and loved that she was now living at Muckmire Manor . Nana placed the last apple dripping caramel onto the wax paper to cool . " Kara , would you help your Nana and put apples into the trough and make sure they all float . You can 't have a proper Halloween Party without some fresh apples to " bob " for . " Nana said . Kara went to the pantry door twisting the handle and pulling hard . The door was one of those doors that didn 't want to open when Kara wanted it opened , but it always listened to Nana when she opened . After a brief struggle the door to the pantry opened and inside sat a brown paper bag full of fresh apples from Connie 's father 's farm . Kara had gone with Nana to get the apples the day before and had even picked a few herself . The apples had filled the pantry with a fresh smell that made her smile and decide that apples were a happy fruit . Kara carried the bag of apples to the now empty dining room . Nana had it moved to the basement while she was at school . She never said how or who helped her move things , but it always seemed to be done when Kara wasn 't around . It was just another thing that made her Nana a special Nana . A knock came from the front door while Kara was filling the trough with apples . Trying not to splash too much water out onto the wood floor she tried to hurry so she could greet her first guest of the night . After the last apple bounced off the rim of the trough and landed in the water with a splash Kara ran to the front door and opened it . " What are you holding a paper bag for ? " asked Jennifer , a girl from her first hour class . Looking down at the bag still in her hand Kara smiled and held out the bag and said " Trick or treat ! " opening the bag wide like she would if she were the one knocking on the door on Halloween . Behind Jennifer parents and children in costumes of all sorts were starting to come down the sidewalk . Witches and Wizards , monsters and heroes , movie characters , comic book heroes and villains all paraded down the street . Not only were the children dressed up , but some of the parents joined in the fun and dressed up as well . Jennifer had dressed up as an angel and her dad dressed up like the devil with red horns , a cape and a red trident with foam points on the end . Connie came with her Mom , John and Clarence were dropped off by their aunt , who also dropped off their Some guest played Pin the tail on the werewolf while others tried to find the gold coin in the big bowl of bones . Bernard watched quietly from the corner of the stairwell just out of sight . He didn 't think anyone would see him , but Kara seemed to think they might , so Bernard remained as hidden as he could while trying to see who was now in his house . Sounds of children laughing and cheering echoed through the manor . Adults talked about the events around town and how this was the biggest Halloween even the town had seen in fifty years . The appointed time came for Nana to tell the ghost story . The children gathered around her as she sat in an old rocking chair with her fine cane leaned against her leg . She began to tell a story of a boy who lived long ago and attended a school much like the one they all attended now . " He had a good family that loved him very much and lived nine happy years before he became sick with fever . It was a long time ago you see , and the doctors were not able to help him like they can now . He died because of the sickness . He died upstairs , in this very house . " Nana said as the children all became quiet . " The boy loved his family so much he didn 't cross over to the other side , he stayed . He didn 't want his mother to be sad or his father to cry , so he stayed here . He wandered the staircase and the halls and hugged his mother as often as he could while she slept . He has now haunted Muckmire Manor for the last one hundred and twenty three years . " This had been the part that Bernard had been practicing the last several days . He forced himself to stop floating and thought very hard about being heavy and solid and stomped down the hallway and onto the top of the stairs . To his very great surprise some of the children and one of the adults gasped as they all excitedly said they heard the ghost boy ! Bernard smiled extra wide at this . He waited while Nana continued her story . " You see ? He is still here , he knows you are here , he has seen each and every one of you ! " Nana waited for t " Thwump " , the third time the cane struck the floor was loud enough to make John let out a yelp . Bernard felt like something had wrapped around him and he felt tingly all over . He floated down through the ceiling like he had been instructed to do . " Open your eyes children . " Nana said gently . " Ahhhhh ! " cried Sarah . " Oh my god he really is here . " Connie 's Mom said looking at the ghostly figure of Bernard dressed in his best dressing suit with a black tie to match his small coat . Bernard smiled and said " Hi " . Every person in the room jumped at the sound , even Bernard was surprised by their sudden reaction . He started to get nervous until Nana said to the group and Bernard . " Hello Bernard , we are all very glad you could visit us tonight . We hope you are having a wonderful Halloween with all of our friends here . " " Yes ma ' am I am , thank you for inviting me . " Bernard said as he smiled his ghostly teeth at everyone trying to be friendly . " Bernard we won 't keep you long here , we just wanted to say you have friends here and that we are all very happy that you chose to visit us . I have one favor to ask though . Could you tell all your ghost friends in Blackwood Cemetery to expect visitors tonight ? " Nana asked . They had rehearsed their lines for this several times but Bernard found he had forgotten what he was supposed to say . " Uh , sure . I 'll tell Henry you all are coming to visit . " He said . Nana smiled knowing he had forgotten to sound spooky and instead sounded very excited . " Thank you Bernard , we might see you again tonight if you want to visit again . " Bernard smiled and waved at everyone as he floated back through the ceiling . He floated out a window and into the backyard to let everyone know that Kara 's ghost tour was about to begin . The band started playing their favorite song " Monster Mash " and Henry cleared her throat preparing to take the living through a long walk in the Blackwood Cemetery . Walter adjusted his vest and his tie , he checked the notes he had made for his welcome speech and smiled at Bernard who was off down the lantern lit path to make sure that everyone who could be awake was . Kara was the first to step into the cemetery and said a small prayer to the Grave Keeper before walking into the cemetery . Behind her came every person who had seen Bernard . " This way everyone , we have lots of ghost to meet and lots to see . " Kara said as she marched her friends into the cemetery where Walter waited with his big bushy mustache smiling . " Welcome , welcome Kara ! " Walter said in his booming voice with a funny accent . " I see you have guests tonight , well you are in for quite a treat . Tonight is Halloween and it is the one night a year when ghost and humans can interact . We have a great tour setup so please mind your footsteps children , stay on the lantern lit path and we will see you all back here soon . " Walter waved for the children to move forward into the cemetery . More than one reached out to touch him and their hands passed right through him and he laughed each time saying that it tickled . Kara and Henry walked down the path into the cemetery bending out of sight of Bernard who smiled at his friend . It had been a busy few days and so much had changed for Bernard . He no longer felt alone . He had a family that could see him and didn 't run away . He had met a lot of new people and none of them ran away either ! Nana had told Bernard " If you have friends anything can happen , even the things you think are impossible . " Nana was a special Nana , and now she was his Nana too . Bernard would learn later that the local paper had called the Ghost story at Muckmire Manor the best Halloween event the town had ever seen and that the home might just be haunted , but the town would have to wait until The Second Annual Muckmire Manor Halloween Festival to find out . The End

Conner pulled up to the front of the house that he was showing . He parked the car out on the street and got out , locking it . He walked up the sidewalk , seeing a car in the driveway , he knew that his client must be here somewhere . He walked up to the front door and pulled out some keys , opening the door . He looked inside , checking the living room , seeing if everything was alright and it seemed to be . He left the door ajar and walked off the porch , going around the driveway side toward the back yard . He saw the gate was open and walked in . The man that was there had his back to Conner . Conner looked him up and down , seeing that he looked really hot from the back side . Conner smiled to himself . " It 's just about the right size . " He said , looking around , giving Conner the opportunity to look him over on the front side . " I think it needs a little work , but I love gardening . " He turned and looked at Conner . " Glad you 're not wearing a suit , as so many realtors do . Lets me relax a little seeing how you 're dressed , so casual . I like it . " " Sure . " He said brightly . " Lead the way . " He held out a hand , Conner turned and walked to the gate and then down the driveway . They walked up on the porch . Conner opened the front door and stepped in , he followed him , watching Conner 's ass , smiling at the tight narrow jeans . " You 're right . " He said as he looked around now . He followed Conner to the next room , the dining room , which was somewhat separate . It was small in comparison , but large enough for a good size table and chairs . " I like it , it 's just about right for the furniture I have already . " " Nice . " Conner said and smiled . He walked through an open doorway behind him into the kitchen . It was a galley type , but not to narrow . There was turn around room in it , counter to counter . The sink looked out over the backyard , a nice little view . He stepped up next to Conner as Conner was looking out , and Conner felt a hand brush his lower back . Conner gave him a side glance , knowing he was coming on to him really hard . Conner turned and walked to the other end of the kitchen , which was a small laundry room with a door out to the backyard . Another doorway , opposite , led into a hall and there were bedrooms along it . " This is two bedrooms with one bath . The bathroom was renovated about five years ago , according to the current owner . " Conner said as he stepped into the first bedroom . " It 's good size . " He said walking across the room toward the closet . He opened the door and looked in , then closed the door . " Good size closet , there doesn 't seem to be much storage space other than in the bedrooms . " " No , you 're right . Most older homes weren 't built that way , with storage in mind . That 's the only drawback , I would think . The neighborhood is good . There 's a school close by , and it 's mostly younger families here in this area . " Conner smiled . " Any kids ? " " I see . " He said , looking Conner up and down again . Conner turned and walked out of the room , going down the hall to the other end , into the other bedroom . " This seems a little bigger than the other one . " " I think it 's big enough . " He said as he looked down at Conner 's crotch . Conner saw it and smiled at the innuendo . He shook his head slightly . Their eyes met for a long moment , and then Conner turned away . He walked out and went back down the hall , stopping in the middle and then stepped into the bathroom , being followed closely . Conner walked over to the far wall and looked into an alcove . He could feel him right there next to him . " I like to have a bath sometimes . Lots of candles , soft music , low lights . " He smiled as he went face to face with Conner , smiling . " Yeah , so do I . " Conner said softly , going to move away . He was stopped and there was a soft kiss . Conner froze at it , his eyes opening wide . Conner went to move again , and then there was a firmer kiss , Conner exhaled through his nose as he was pressed against even more , and then he felt the tongue against his lips . Conner moaned softly and parted his lips , letting the tongue in . Hands were on him now , sliding up and down his sides and then his chest . He felt a hand cup over his crotch and a gentle squeeze . Conner 's eyes went wide at the touch . He pulled back . " I won 't tell if you won 't . " Cal said softly , kissing Conner again . Conner melted into it , putting hands on Cal 's hips . There crotches going to one another . Conner was breathing hard as Cal worked over his mouth over really well . Conner felt hands sliding up his back , gripping his shoulders from behind . Conner pulled back again . " No , I 'm sorry . " Conner said softly , " I can 't . " Conner cleared his throat . " I couldn 't do that to him . " " You love him that much ? " Cal asked , Conner nodded . " I can respect that . I 'm sorry I pushed you . I don 't want to make you uncomfortable . " " You 're not . " Conner smiled . He turned a little and was able to back away a couple of steps . " I 'm sorry if I gave any other idea . " Cal smiled at Conner blushing . " It 's alright , really . I got lost in how hot you are . You really are quite beautiful you know ? He 's a lucky guy , your fiancé . " Cal smiled even wider . " I like it that way actually . No strings , no commitment . " Cal stepped toward Conner . " I can do whoever I want , whenever I want . " " Are you sure ? I mean , I know you must be sure . If this is becoming awkward between us , I can see about another agent if you want ? " " Really ? Well , let 's go have a look at him then . " Cal said raising an eyebrow . Conner turned and walked out of the bathroom . He waited for Cal to come out of the house and then locked the door behind them . He went to his car and got in . Conner let out a deep breath about what had happened . His first showing in town and he almost got laid out it . Alec was going to kill him , but he had to tell him . Conner rolled his eyes and drove away , Cal following him . Ty was standing in the structure , looking at the rock wall . He liked the way it looked , but hated grouting , yeah , really hated grouting , it was such a pain in the ass , and not in a good way either . He stood back further and then heard something behind him . He turned and saw Bart coming up toward the structure . Ty smiled wide seeing his old friend , his big beer belly that stood way out in front of him , the tattered ' gas station ' pants he always wore , the button down striped blue shirt that could never be tucked in in the front because of the beer belly . " What the Hell ? " Ty said , as he walked toward the big door to greet his old friend . " I about gave up on your fat ass . Was gonna call another plumber . " Ty smiled as he leaned against the door jamb . " Yeah , do that and I 'll shove a pipe wrench up your ass . . . sideways . " Bart scowled as he stepped closer . Ty reached out his muscular arm and hand . Bart smiled wide and took it , squeezing the hell out of it . The two grinned at each other and it almost became an arm wrestling match . " Serves you right , " Bart grinned wider , " and who you calling ' fat ' ? You skinny son of a bitch ! " Ty laughed hard , and they hugged , slapping each other on the back , hard . Ty saw the boys coming around the house . He pulled away from Bart and smiled at them . " Hello , boys . Skinny as ever , I see . Doesn 't this guy ever feed you ? " Ty smiled . They smiled in return at him , then looked at their uncle . When he wasn 't looking , they shook their heads , no . Ty chuckled at them . " Well , I 'm sorry Derrick isn 't here , he 'd be cooking something for you real fast . " Seth , the youngest smiled wider , hearing Derrick 's name . " Nope , sorry guys , it 's just me . Derrick 's at his office and Conner 's at work , I think . " Ty frowned . They smiled briefly back at him . " I don 't expect Derrick for another couple of hours yet . " " What about Conner ? When does he get back ? " Aiden asked , trying not to look obvious . Ty caught it and smiled softly . " You know , he moved out right ? " Ty asked Aiden as Seth walked off behind his uncle into the structure . Aiden looked sad . " He and Alec got an apartment together a couple of weeks back . " " Well , see ? Maybe if you hung around here every once in a while , you 'd know these things . " Ty said as he put an arm around Aiden 's shoulder , walking him into the structure . Ty squeezed him a little bit and then let him go . " So , what 's the plan , Bart ? " " Shabby carpenter . " Ty said under his breath , giving Bart a scowling look . " Fat fucking plumber , . . . water bender . " Ty said , making Aiden grin and chuckle . " Bet he can 't get that belly under someone 's house to fix a stopped up drain . " Ty said in a whisper to only where Aiden could hear it . Aiden laughed , looking at his uncle , then leaned close to Ty . " Yeah , that 's why he keeps us around . " Aiden whispered out of Bart 's earshot . Ty busted up laughing , then grabbed Aiden around the shoulders again with one arm . " Nothing , nothing at all . " Ty laughed harder , than half hugged Aiden . " Good one , bud . " Ty let Aiden go . Bart huffed and then set about to get things going . Seth was told to build the sink , while Bart and Aiden got the shower going , building the pan and drain , then getting the valves ready within the sheetrock . Ty watched them for a while , and then turned back to the stone wall , and the grout . . . ugh , Ty sighed , but he had to get it done . It was for Derrick , yeah , it was for Derrick , Ty thought . Ty went over to the bucket he had on the floor and started to mix up some more grout . He sighed to himself , as he got the consistency right finally . He mixed it thoroughly and started to go up the scaffolding he had set up , carrying the bucket as he went . He set it down and started to trowel it on and press it in place , doing a grid pattern and then wet a sponge and started to wipe away the excess . He had to wait for it to start to dry to do the rest properly , making the stone stand out even more as the grout was mostly removed . He growled as he heard and felt his phone going off in his pocket of his cargos . He stopped what he was doing and flipped the phone open . " Not a whole hell of a lot . I 'm grouting the stone wall out here , watching Bart and the boys do the plumbing thing . What 's going on with you guys ? " " Well , that 's why I 'm calling actually . Can you get a message to Aiden ? " Alec asked over the phone . Ty went wide eyed as he climbed down the scaffold . " Well , I know how you like to eat , and I wanted to try a new recipe out for the restaurant . " Alec said , improvising as he went . God damn Ty , Alec thought , catching me off guard like this , ugh ! " Maybe this weekend , if you 're free ? " " Well , got the job done , right ? " Ty smiled at the phone . " So , you 're inviting him over ? " Ty asked in a soft voice , " Should I be jealous ? " " Yeah , love you too . " Ty smiled and closed his phone . He smiled and went back up the scaffold , thinking that the grout job wasn 't that bad right now . Derrick sat in Tom 's office with Terry , going over the new deal for Neal . Derrick 's plan was simple for Neal , but he wanted to make sure that everyone else was on board with it and wanted no problems . After a bit of final discussion they were all in agreement . Terry got up and went and got Neal and brought him in , sitting him down . Neal looked nervous . Derrick smiled at him , and picked up his cup of coffee and pulled at it . " Well , it 's not like we 're asking you to rob a bank or anything . Relax , it 's just us . " Tom chuckled . Derrick laughed . Terry rolled his eyes , and put a hand on Neal 's shoulder . " Just keep being who you are and everything is going to be alright . " Derrick said sitting in the chair opposite at the other end of the desk . He was watching Neal carefully , liking what he saw . Neal was humble , quiet and reserved , but when he needed to be , he could be assertive . He had always been passionate about his work and that 's what Derrick liked the most about him , his passion and his caring for the client , and his co - workers . Neal smiled at Derrick , seeing he was watching him . " Well , I think we 're done here . Terry , why don 't you get Neal set up in your old office . Get him whatever he needs . " " Sure , boss . " Terry said , smiling , patting Neal on the shoulder . Neal got to his feet , as did Derrick and Tom . Neal reached out his hand toward Derrick first , Derrick took it with another smile , giving it a firm shake . " You 're welcome , Neal . Like I said , you have proved yourself over and over . You 've earned this . " Derrick let go of his hand , and Neal turned toward Tom , shaking his as well . " You 're sure about this ? " Tom asked Derrick as he sat back down , looking up at him . Derrick was watching the door , sipping his coffee , he nodded his head . " Calloway called me , told me he had this boy that needed a shot , said he was good and thorough . So , when this scrawny kid showed up in tattered clothes for his interview , I gave him a chance . He showed me some of his work , and I was really impressed . " " Alright , I 'll see you later . " Derrick smiled and walked out of the office , down the hallway . Several of the staff smiled and nodded to him . He smiled back at each and every one as he walked by . He walked into the Core , looking around seeing the ' juniors ' and the interns working . Music was playing softly from the stereo , and most didn 't even pay attention when he walked into the large room . He went over to his large table in the corner and looked down at his drawings of the house for the young couple . He moved them about , checking them over and over , making little changes or cleaning up lines now and then . He was pretty happy about them so far . There were more elevations that he had to do , and then he could start the inset plans , the layouts for plumbing and electrical , as well as the framing elevations for the builder , whoever he would be . Derrick set about it and got lost in it once again . Conner walked into his office with Cal in tow . They were chatting about the house , but Cal was really watching Conner the whole time . He couldn 't get enough of him . The receptionist at the front had handed Conner some messages when they had walked in . Conner looked them over as he was walking . There was one from his father , it was the office number . Conner pursed his lips seeing it . It was marked ' urgent ' , but there was nothing new about that , everything from the senior Van Owen was ' urgent ' . Conner had Cal sit in a chair in front of Conner 's desk . Conner went around and sat down . " Okay , so there 's some more paperwork do , and then we can put in the offer . Do you want to go over the termite inspection and the home inspection reports ? " Conner asked , holding them up . " No , not really . Did you look at them ? " Call asked , Conner nodded in reply . " Did you see anything wrong or out of the ordinary ? " " Here , why don 't you take a look and I 'll write up your offer . " Conner smiled handing him the paperwork . Cal took it from him and sat back in the chair . Conner turned to his computer and started to fill out the form for the offer . Conner would glance over every now and then as filled out the form and look at Cal . He was older , about mid thirty 's Conner thought . He was incredibly good looking , having some slight graying at his temples and sideburns . His face was tanned , but not too , where he got too much sun . He seemed to be or could be rugged to Conner , a man 's man . Cal was assertive , yes , knew what he wanted and how to get what he wanted , Conner had found that out for sure , and he liked that about him . He seemed to be well built also . Conner was interrupted in his thought by a knock at the door . " Yeah , I got the message right here . " Conner smiled , and then nodded toward Cal . " I 'm with a client right now . I 'll call him when we 're done . " " I can see that , I 'm sorry that I interrupted . " Caleb said . Cal got to his feet , and Caleb caught full sight of him now and his eyes went a little wide . " I 'm doing very well actually . " Cal smiled wide , looking Caleb up and down . Caleb saw the look and slowly took back his hand , he too looked Cal up and down briefly . Conner watched it all and then cleared his throat . Cal looked at him and then handed him back the reports . " Conner , I think these are fine , I don 't see any problem with them at all . " " Good , neither did I . " Conner said as he took them back and put them in the folder . " Caleb , we 'll be done in a just a bit . If my father calls again before we 're done , could you . . . ? " " There 's another guy here , uh , Antonio , nice guy , he 's married with like a half dozen kids though . " Conner said , sadly . Cal smiled wider . " No . " Conner said flatly , holding up a finger . " I was talking about the house . " Cal laughed out loud , sitting back in the chair . " Oh , I 'm sure you can . " Cal emphasized every work and wiggled his eyebrows . Conner gulped and was wide eyed . Cal chuckled again . " You 're so easy to tease . Does you fiancé do that to you ? " " Uh , . . . no , . . . uh , . . . usually it 's the other way around actually . " Conner was trying to regroup . ' My God this guy makes me tongue - tied ' , Conner thought , ' I 've got to get him out of here ! ' " Okay , so here 's the offer , " Conner said as his hand was over the top of the printer , the form was coming out . He took it when it was done , and handed it over to Cal . " I need you to read it over , and then initial here , here , here , and then sign it here , if you like what you see . Anything that needs to be changed , let 's make note of it , and then I can change it in the computer and reprint it . " " Ooh , you have no idea . " Cal winked . Conner gulped again . " I 'm sorry , I 'm making you nervous . You 're blushing . " " That would be fine . " Cal smiled again . Conner got up and walked out , going to the break room of the office . He grabbed a couple of waters and turned . Caleb was standing there . " Yeah , " Conner said , looking around , then looked back at Caleb , " but he 's really hot , right ? " Caleb nodded . " You 're right , I think so too , and he 's been hitting on me really hard . Why don 't you do me a favor , I 'll go call my father back and find out what he wants and get him off our backs , while you help Cal finish up the offer . I 've got it all printed out , he 's going over it right now , just to initial and sign it , then I can submit it . Can you do that ? " " Great , come on . " Conner led him to his office and came back in , handing Cal a bottle of water . " Cal , I 'm sorry but I have to make a call real quick , it seems to be urgent . I 've asked Caleb to give you a hand with the offer , if that 's alright . I shouldn 't be but a few minutes . " " That 's fine with me . " Cal smiled at Conner , taking the water and then looked at Caleb , smiling . Caleb sat at Conner 's desk , Conner picked up the phone message and walked out , leaving them alone . Ty was wiping the grout off with a wet sponge , pulling it back and looking at the stone every now and then . He was liking how it was looking with the grout and as he was almost done with the whole wall , he was feeling better about the whole thing . Now was going to be the hard part , deciding on the floor . He remembered what Derrick had said about not really knowing what he wanted yet and that was going to lead to a ' shopping ' trip . Yeah , Ty really liked that . " Hello there . " Ty heard the voice from below , and turned back , looking down . He saw the guy standing there , looking up and recognized him . " Yes , of course . " Ty smiled , looking down . " Uh , Bart 's in the bathroom there . I 'll get you the card to sign it off . " " Yeah , it does , doesn 't it ? " Ty said , as he looked back up at it . " He made a good choice with it . " " Yeah , it worked out that way , right ? " Ty smiled , and Adam nodded his head . " I 'll go get the card for you , it 's in the house . I 'll be right back . " " Sure , I 'll see what 's going on in here . " Adam smiled and walked in the bathroom , seeing Bart and the boys finishing everything and wiping it down . Bart pointed out a few things for Adam and he nodded his understanding . " Yeah , it looks fine to me . Can you run some water and let 's check the drainage . " " Sure thing . " Bart said . Ty appeared at the door and handed the card to Adam . He took it and smiled , then watched the water run , seeing it drain properly . " Well , one down , two to go . " Ty smiled . " I hope to have the electricians here in another couple of days . I 'm sure they 'll call or have me call it in . " Ty said and backed out of the bathroom , Adam following him . " Make sure you do . " Adam said as he leaned closer to Ty and then walked away . Ty followed him with his eyes . Bart was standing right behind him . " Yeah , he is actually . " Ty said softly still watching him . " He 's full of surprises . " Ty said and then back at Bart . " I 'll go put this in the house . I 'll be right back . " " We 're just about done here . Are you going to put up the shower stall walls ? " Bart asked as Ty was halfway across the slab . Ty turned back . " Perfect . Make sure you leave me his name and number , I 'll give it to Derrick . " Ty said , and Bart nodded . " Oh , and write up your final , and I 'll have Derrick take care of it when he gets home . " " Sure . " Bart said and turned back to the boys as Ty walked out of the structure . Ty came back a couple of minutes later , as Bart was writing on his clipboard . Aiden and Seth were gathering tools and garbage from the plastic wrappings of everything . Ty pointed to the garbage can out the door and around the corner . Seth took it out , as Aiden walked up to Ty , looking at him . " I 'm sure that 's all it is . You know , Alec is quite the cook actually . I miss having him around . The house always smells so good when he cooks , it 's awesome . " " Really , that 's too bad . You should get out more . You 're a really good looking guy , you could probably have all kinds of girls climbing all over you . " " Aiden , relax bud . You 're not into the girl thing ? " Ty asked softly , and Aiden 's eyes went wide . " Hey , it 's okay with me , I 'm not either . " Ty winked and Aiden 's eyes went wide . " You didn 't know ? I thought you might have figured it out . " " No , and I want to keep it that way . I mean , I think he has a pretty good idea , but , if it comes out , it comes out , you know . Does he know about you ? " Aiden had a panic look on his face . " Don 't worry , he won 't hear it from me , it 's okay , relax . Give your uncle some credit though , he 's not a homophobe by any means . I 've known him for a long time . He 's an understanding teddy bear . I mean , just look at him , right ? " They both looked at Bart , tapping the pen to his lips , looking at the ceiling lost in thought . The both chuckled together . " See ? It 's not so bad , right ? " Ty put a hand to Aiden 's shoulder , he looked at Ty and saw totally different now , and he didn 't feel so alone anymore . " Now , you go to Conner and Alec 's for dinner and I 'll bet you 're going to have a lot of fun . You really will . " Ty smiled . " Take a chance , be a little brave , there 's a big world out there , bud . " " I will , thanks . " Aiden said as his eyes welled up , his chest was pounding so hard , feeling that he had someone that cared , really cared now , and he felt better about himself all of a sudden , the weight of the world was lifting from him , and Ty was standing right there . Aiden hugged him tight , very tight . Ty smiled and hugged him back , patting his back gently . " Thanks again . " Aiden said as he pulled back , wiping a tear from his eye . " I 've got to put this stuff in the truck . " " You 're welcome . Like I said , it 's gonna be okay . " Ty smiled , Aiden nodded his head and walked away . Ty watched him for a minute and turned and walked over to Bart . " He 's a good kid , really . So 's his brother , they 're both good boys , never get into trouble , always help their mother at home . She 's lucky to have them actually . " Bart was writing on his clipboard . " Maybe they need to hear that every once in a while . " Ty said , looking at Bart . " I never heard that when I was growing up , wish I had , now that I think about it . " Derrick was lost to all around him in the Core , only paying attention to what was in front of him . Several had walked up behind him , looking over his shoulder as it were , seeing what he was working on . Word was spreading quickly through the firm what Derrick was doing . Kim was taking messages for him , as she knew Derrick 's routine when he got involved with his drafting . Everyone knew that it would be a long night for Derrick if someone didn 't tell him it was time to go home , he would work through the night without interruption . Terry and Neal came into the Core and walked up to each side of Derrick , looking down at what he was doing . Neither said anything to him , and he had no idea that they were there . They looked at one another a couple of times and smiled , knowing how Derrick was . Finally Terry put a hand on Derrick 's shoulder , breaking Derrick 's concentration . Derrick gave him a startled look . " What ? Really ? Hmmm , okay . " Derrick said as he looked back at the sheets below him . " I guess I 'll finish this up tomorrow then . " " Since yesterday . " Derrick said , tapping his pencil on the closest sheet . He felt that he was missing something . " It 's lacking something , I think . " Derrick tapped his pencil again . " I guess I could have Neal look at it . " " Oh , okay . You say it 's close to closing ? " Derrick asked , Terry nodded his head . " Hmmm , Neal , would you look these over for me in the morning ? I think I 'm missing something , I need you to double check it . " " Yeah , I 'm sure . " Derrick smiled , at them and then patted them on the shoulders . " See you tomorrow then , night . Tell Kim , alright ? " Terry nodded in reply . He looked back down at the drawings , realizing that he had been on his feet all day . He was feeling really tired right about now , and his thoughts went to Ty . He smiled to himself , thinking about him and what he might have been doing all day long , by himself at the house . Derrick smiled and thought about calling him , but decided against it . He took his sheets and put them together , in order for Neal to see them in the morning , to have him get a better grasp on what he was doing . He smiled to himself and then walked out of the Core , shutting off the lights as he went . The building was empty and he was alone . He went to his own office and looked at his desk , shutting down his computer . He saw the new messages on his desk , going through them , knowing he had calls to return in the morning now . Great , he thought , and sighed . He finally went to the door , shutting of the light as he walked out , and went to the front of the building , setting his code in the alarm panel and then went to the front door , going out and then turning to lock it . He shook it once to make sure , then walked around the corner to his car . The drive back to the house was pretty quick for him , the lights were in his favor as he drove . He pulled up and turned into the drive and then the circular portion , parking the car . He walked up the steps to the front door and then walked in . He closed it and walked toward the bedroom , unbuttoning his shirt as he walked in , the house was somewhat dark from the late afternoon sun , but it was streaming in through the large window , he wasn 't paying any particular attention to what was around when he suddenly felt hands on him , making his eyes go wide , spinning him , and then he felt a shove , pushing him back to the bed , and he smiled as he fell , seeing Ty there with an evil look in his eye . Ty jumped on him on the bed , covering Derrick 's body with his own . Derrick moaned as Ty fell on him . " Hi , yourself . " Ty kissed him , as Derrick went to say something . Ty was rough on him , but not too , just being forceful , the way Derrick liked it . Ty tongued him furiously as he ran hands all over Derrick 's body , groaning back and forth in each other 's mouths . Derrick surrendered to Ty and what he was doing to him , letting him have him fully . Ty finally pulled back , looking Derrick in the eyes . " Where have you been all day ? " Ty smiled , then kissed Derrick softly . " Uh , at work . Wow , this is nice to come home to . Getting tackled as I come through the door like that ? It 's awesome . You can do that every day if you want . " Derrick said as he brought his arms up around Ty 's shoulders , feeling the muscles there . " Oh , yeah , and I could feel that every day as well . " " If you like that , how about you feel this ? " Ty said softly as he moved Derrick 's hand to Ty 's crotch . Derrick felt it and it 's firmness and moaned at it . " Oh yeah , I like that even more . What are you gonna do with that ? " Derrick asked as he lifted his head and pecked Ty on the lips , then fell back . " That 's the one , he made a pass at me today when he was here for the final on the plumbing . " Ty flashed wide eyes at Derrick . " And then there were the boys . " " Seriously , well that 's awesome . " Derrick said softly as he watched his shirt being opened and then Ty fell on his muscular chest , kissing and licking at his right nipple . Derrick closed his eyes and moaned at it . " Oh , yeah . " Derrick whispered at the feeling , letting out a slight breath . " You can stop that any time you want . " Ty pulled up a little . " A lot . I want you to fuck me silly most of the night , after I fuck you . " Ty growled in a whisper , Derrick moaned softly as Ty was moving back and forth on Derrick 's chest . " You 're right , no one had that kind of experience like you do . Are you gonna eat my ass ? " Derrick asked with a smile . Ty came up , kissing him softly again . Conner locked the building 's door behind him . He turned and looked at Cal and Caleb as they were standing behind him looking at each other and then back at him . Cal smiled and stretched out his hand , Conner took it and gave it a firm shake . " No trouble . I wanted to make sure that you put in the offer the way that you wanted . You have to be happy with it or why do it , right ? " Conner asked as he shrugged his shoulders . " You 're right about that . " Cal smiled and then gave Caleb a side glance . " Can I buy you guys a drink perhaps , for keep you so late ? " " Great , I know this great little place . They serve food as well . " Cal said still smiling , and Caleb smiled as well . They both looked back to Conner . " You 're very welcome . It was no trouble at all . I 'll call you soon , once I hear back from the offer . " Conner said . Cal nodded and turned , Caleb lifted his eyebrows at Conner and followed Cal . They walked around the corner of the building into the side parking lot . Cal walked up to his BMW , and Caleb saw it , and half smiled at the car . " Yeah . " Cal had a different looking smile now . Caleb thought it had a hint of danger to it and it excited him , Caleb nodded and walked up to the passenger door . Cal opened it from his side , Caleb getting in . Conner had gotten into his own car and pulled out of the parking lot on the other side of the building , when he drove by the parking lot that Caleb and Cal had gone into , he saw them both getting into Cal 's car . Conner smiled mostly to himself as he turned his attention away and drove , going toward home , and Alec , even though Alec was not there yet , still being at work for another few hours . Conner felt relieved to be away from Cal . He was really on Conner 's mind , there was something about him that was driving Conner crazy , seeming to be . . . familiar . Conner was also thinking about the call he had made to his father . They had set a meeting for tomorrow , the elder wanted to discuss something important with him face to face , not over the phone . It worried Conner a little as he had been mysterious about it , which always meant something bad . Derrick moaned and dropped back on the bed , on the pillows , breathing heavy , his arms spread out across the bed to each side over Ty 's legs . He lay there on his back felling the weight of Ty on him . Derrick 's cock was still stiff in Ty 's ass . Derrick lifted his head a little as he was getting his breathing under control . Ty 's leg were to each side of Derrick 's body , and when Derrick had lifted his head , he could see Ty 's cock and balls daggling and hanging almost touching Derrick 's stomach . " Fuck . . . that was incredible . " Derrick panted a little , " You made me cum so hard , wow . We 'll have to do that again , babe . " " Yeah , . . . whew , that took the wind out of me . " Ty said as he was bent at a strange angle on his back . He was running his fingers up and down his chest and stomach sliding through all of the cum that was on him . " Oh man , I 've got to move . This position is killin me . " Ty groaned lifting his butt a little with Derrick still in him . " Hold on a second . " Derrick groaned , chuckling . " Jesus , we sound like two old guys , don 't we ? " Derrick worked to get to a sitting position . Ty went wide eyed as Derrick was shifting . " Slow , go slow . . . " Ty groaned , " uhhh , fuck , " Ty looked up at Derrick , " grab my hand and pull . " Derrick smiled as he took Ty 's wrist and pulled , they slowly pulled apart from each other . Ty smiled wide and opened his mouth grit his teeth , as he shifted off Derrick . " Oh , that 's better . " Ty exhaled and then kissed Derrick , sighing . " Don 't tell anyone that we were having a hard time like that . " Derrick laughed . Cal pulled into the parking lot of the quiet looking little bar . He looked at Caleb as he parked , and smiled . He shut off the car and went to get out . Caleb let out a small soft breath and followed him into the dimly lit place . " Comin ' up . " He smiled and turned to reach down behind the bar . Cal and Caleb walked over to a tall table and sat on the bar stools there across from each other . " A few years now . I got into it right out of high school , as I was going to college . It funded my tuition . " Caleb smiled . " Uh . . . seriously . " Caleb said , closing his mouth . Mike looked back and forth at both of them , then walked away . " Was he joking ? " " No , not at all . " Caleb said as he looked at the menu . " Just doesn 't look like a gay bar that 's all . " " It 's not . " Cal said . " They come here for the games and to hang around . Some of them are curious or they just don 't want to hang out at a gay bar . I see the opportunity and I go for it . Most of them like it because of the possible ' daddy ' thing . " " Huh , I see . " Caleb said glancing up from his menu . He let his eyes go back down again after seeing the look that Cal was giving him . " So , what do you recommend ? " " Okay , I 'm game . " Caleb said , putting his menu down and smiled . " It 's too bad it 's not a game night . " Caleb raised an eyebrow . " You 'll have to see when we 're done here . " Cal smiled a wicked smile and sipped from his beer . Caleb smiled just as wicked in reply . Conner pulled into the apartment complex 's parking lot and drove around to the rear where the assigned spaces for them were and parked . He got out with his valise and walked up the stairs of his building and went to the door , opening it . He turned on the light and set his keys on the tall counter , letting the door close behind him . He went to the table and put his valise down and went to the kitchen , opening the fridge . He saw the opened bottle of white in the door , and pulled it out , closing the door and reached for a wine glass . He poured a half glass and set the bottle down , going back around the counter toward the table , he felt his phone in his back pocket vibrate and then chime . He set the glass down and pulled out the phone , opening it with a swipe of his finger . ' ok ' Conner looked at the texts and closed the phone wondering what was going on . He set the phone down on the table and opened his valise , pulling out his papers , sitting down at the table , then started to sip from his glass . He read them slowly and carefully one by one , the financials from the division he was in . He sipped his wine and as the pages went on and on , he lost track of the time . He heard the door open and looked over his shoulder , seeing Alec , then smiled at him . " What happened ? " Alec asked , as he went to sit down near Conner . " Don 't tell me that you did something naughty to sell that house ? " " No . " Conner said , shaking his head and looking sad . " It just made me feel really . . . strange , that 's all . And I wanted to tell you right away . " Alec sat back and looked at Conner with narrow eyes . He felt worried all of a sudden and a little hurt by what Conner said . Conner looked up at him with sad eyes , and sighed quietly to himself . Alec pursed his lips together and then got up from the table . Conner watched him moved and went to reach out a hand to him , but Alec pulled back and went to the kitchen , Conner turned in his chair and looked at him , following his movement . " Yeah , sure , you weren 't trying . " Alec said as he put the bottle in the fridge . He turned back to the counter and picked up the glass , holding it up slightly . " Here 's to . . . honesty . " Alec said and put the glass to his lips , drinking it , rather than sipping it , tilting his head back further as he drained the glass . Conner watched with wide eyes and then narrowed them as Alec drained the glass to its end . He pulled the glass away from his lips and smack them and turned back to the fridge , getting the bottle out again , pouring more . " I guess this was bound to happen sooner or later . " Alec said softly . " Oh come on , Conner . You can 't tell me that you didn 't think about that ? I mean , look at you , all hot and fucking sexy , the way you look , I guess I 've been lucky so far to keep you to myself . " Alec said as he started to drink from the glass again . " Don 't call me that . " Alec said , giving Conner a firm look . He put the glass back to his lips and started to drink from it again . " Alec , please , stop . " Conner said coming around the counter . " What are you doing ? Let 's talk about this , please . " Conner said , with pleading in his voice . Alec lowered the glass and swallowed hard . " What 's there to talk about ? How you . . . liked it ? How maybe you want more of it ? Tell me Conner , did it make you excited ? " Alec flashed his eyes , " Did it get you . . . hard ? Was he that good ? " " Yeah , you told me , . . . you told me a little too much . " Alec glared at Conner and then put the glass back to his lips , swallowing what was in the glass , gulping it down . He set the glass on the counter and poured what was left in the bottle into the glass . " Don 't tell me that I 've had enough . " Alec said as he set the bottle down . " Maybe you 're right though , you should tell me that I 've had enough , . . . enough of us . " " To what ? Be honest ? To be the good boyfriend ? " Alec said as he picked up the glass again , putting it to his lips . He paused and then closed his eyes , and drank it down , gulping it , then opened his eyes and set the glass down . " Proportion , " Alec chuckled , " now there 's a good word . " Alec said as he reached into the wine fridge for another bottle . " I wonder what his ' proportions ' are , hmmm , let me think that over . " He put it on the counter with a heavy thud and reached into the drawer for the opener . Conner reaching out , taking him by the wrist . " Get your hand off me . " Alec said with a growl , as he looked down at it . " I 'll tell you when you can touch me . " " I 'll be anyway I fucking want . " He said , glaring at Conner . " Back off . " Alec growled , making Conner go wide eyed and back up a step . Alec got the opener out and opened the new bottle , pouring another full glass . He set the bottle down and drank it all down as Conner stood there with wide eyes . " You , you 're bothering me . I want to drink alone if you don 't mind , and you 're leaving a bad taste in my mouth right now standing so close . " Alec said in a soft voice and Conner went wide eyed hearing him . There was a noise as Alec lifted the glass again , making him stop . " Hmmm , perfect timing . " Alec said , setting the glass down , he reached into his back pocket and pulled out the phone , looking at it , smiled briefly and then dropped it on the counter . " It 's none of your fucking business . " Alec smiled a hard fake smile , making Conner go wide eyed . " Now , why don 't you leave me alone so I can drink my wine in peace . " Conner narrowed his eyes , angry now , as well as hurt . He turned and went to the table , putting his papers in his valise . He closed it up , then picked up the wine glass and set it on the counter . " Since you 're sucking down all of it anyway , you might as well have this one too . " Conner walked away toward the bedroom . He opened the closet and pulled out a small bag on the top shelf . He went to the dresser and opened drawers , pulling out a few things and put them in the bag . He closed the drawers and went back to the closet and grabbed a suit that was hanging there , putting it over his shoulder , grabbing the bag and walked back into the living room . He grabbed his valise and his keys without looking at Alec and walked toward the door . " Well , you have a really fucking good time , alright ? " Alec asked as he put the glass to his lips , as if he was waiting for an answer , but there wasn 't one as Alec heard the door close . He lowered the glass and set it on the counter and closed his eyes as the tears began to drop . He sobbed to himself a few times and then it came , hard , with a deep pain running through him . Conner got in the car and sat there , just staring at the building for the longest time . He didn 't know what was going on at all . They had never argued like this at all , but maybe it was time , Conner thought , he had no idea why Alec was being the way that he was . It was like he was someone else all of a sudden , like there was something else that was making Alec act this way . He had never seen Alec like this at all , doing the heavy drinking thing , even though it was wine , it was going to hit , and hit him hard in a bit , Conner knew , and his heart ached , and he wished that he had said it differently , brought it out another way , knowing it was his fault entirely , but yet it wasn 't really . Alec had never acted like the jealous type before over anyone or anything and that 's what was making Conner ache so bad , why was this happening , how was this happening . Conner looked up as his hand went to the ignition and he saw someone go up the stairs of the building . Was that Kurt ? Conner looked again but he was out of sight . Conner went to get out , but stopped . Alec 's phone had gone off while he stood there , but he didn 't see who it was , and Alec wouldn 't tell him . Why ? Conner started the car and backed out of the space , driving around the other way to the exit at the far side of the complex . He started driving , not knowing where he was going , thinking all of this over . Conner drove for a few minutes and pulled into this little diner and got out of the car , going in . The girl told him to sit anywhere he wanted and he picked a booth and sat down . " Yeah . " He said , looking at the menu . She walked away slowly , after looking him over really good . She came back a minute later , setting the mug on the table . " Thanks . " Conner mumbled . " Kind of . " Conner answered and went back to the menu . He looked it over another minute and then set it down and pushed it to the edge . " I 'm not hungry . I guess the coffee will be all . " Conner sat there and just stared blankly , lost in thought . He was confused by it all so much . What had actually happened . He was feeling so lost in all of it . He had hurt Alec so bad , but hadn 't meant to at all , and it was so sudden , all of it , and that 's what hurt Conner the most , the sudden way Alec had been , it didn 't make sense to him . " The coffee . You haven 't touched it yet . Can I get you . . . ? " She started to ask and Conner slid out of the booth and she stepped out of his way . " No , it 's fine . Thank you . " Conner said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out some cash and put it on the table . He turned and walked toward the door and she watched him walk out , and then looked at the cash and narrowed her eyes . A twenty was in her fingers . She looked toward the windows and saw him get in his car and drive away . Conner walked up to the door of the apartment , his heart was pounding as put his key in the lock and turned the knob . He was going to beg Alec to forgive him , to talk this over with him , for him to understand what he felt about Cal , and work this out , this frustration that Alec was feeling , hopefully he wasn 't too drunk yet . Conner opened the door , and Conner went wide eyed , letting the door close softly behind him . He stepped closer seeing Alec lying on the couch on his back , Kurt was all over the top of Alec and Alec had his hands all over Kurt 's back , pulling up his shirt , as they were kissing , going at each other hard and heavy . Kurt pulled back to let Alec get his shirt off him , and then drop it to the floor , and then Kurt fell back on Alec 's mouth and started to work him over again as they both moaned . Conner was more than shocked watching them , and then Alec reached in between Kurt 's legs , making Kurt lift his head and groan . " Fuck yeah . " Kurt said tilting his head back as Alec had more than a handful , lifting his head sucking on one of Kurt 's nipples , making him groan long and deep . Conner got pissed , really pissed and he walked toward them . " He likes to chew on your balls through your underwear . " Conner said as he got close . Kurt looked up and over at Conner and went wide eyed . " Hey , sorry to interrupt , came back to pick up some things I forgot . If you guys give me a minute , I 'll be outta here and on my way . " Conner smiled and turned toward the bedroom . " Conner ! " Alec said , getting out from under Kurt , going after him . " It 's not like you think . " Alec said as Conner reached the closet door in the bedroom . " Really , so you let him start to eat you instead of your cooking ? Nice . " Conner said in a flat tone . " I thought it was all me that had fucked up somehow . Now , I see that I was wrong , really wrong about the whole thing . " " Dude , you 're about two seconds from getting your balls ripped off you . If you have any sense , you 'll get the fuck out of here until I leave , then you can fuck him all night long the way he likes it . " Conner said in a deep snarl while giving Kurt a death glare . Conner pulled out the duffel and snapped it in the air , making it go full size . He turned and went over to the dresser and started to empty his drawers out into it . " I guess you two have doing this for a while , and I just wasn 't paying attention , huh Alec ? " Conner said as he stuffed more and more into it , slamming drawers as he emptied them . " What was it you told earlier ? Get your hand off me ? I 'll tell you when you can touch me ? Isn 't that what you said ? Well , I 'm saying it now . " Conner said as he looked over his shoulder , he turned slowly , looking at Alec . " Isn 't that what you said ? " Alec backed up a step and his eyes welled . Conner took a step toward him , Alec backed up . " Well I 'll tell you something , Mr . Marquez , you 'll never touch me again as long as you live . " Conner stepped forward again , not blinking his eyes once . " If that 's the way you want it , then that 's the way it will be . " Alec 's eyes were streaming tears down his cheeks as Conner turned away and went back to shoving his clothes into bags . " Sorry for what ? Breaking my heart ? Cutting it out ? Catching you almost fucking your new boyfriend on our new furniture ? Hmmm , yeah I 'm the one who 's sorry . I actually came back here to beg your forgiveness , to try and work out what was really eating you . I can see it 's not a what , but a who . I hope he eats your ass the way you like it , I really do . " Conner said as he slammed another drawer closed . He filled the one duffel and went to the closet for another . " I don 't know Alec , it looked pretty cut and dry to me . If we hadn 't have been together , I might have gotten off watching the two of you fuck each other on the couch , it looked pretty hot from where I was . " Conner turned with an empty duffel and brushed by Alec going for the dresser , again . " Don 't worry about the apartment , the lease is paid for a full year , all you have to do is transfer the utilities into your name . You can keep the furniture , I 'll get something else , wherever I end up going . All I want is my stuff , that 's all , everything else is yours . " Conner said as he stuffed more and more into the duffel . " Anything in the hamper , you can just toss , I don 't care about it . " " Conner , please . " Alec moaned in between sobs . " Conner , I love . . . " Conner turned on him , giving him a wild eyed look , cutting Alec off mid - sentence and gasping , raising a finger into Alec 's face . " Don 't ! " Conner said making Alec go wide eyed himself . " Don 't you dare say it ! Don 't you ever tell me you love me again ! You have a funny way of showing it ! " Conner was breathing hard and stared at Alec for the longest time , finally Alec backed down and sat on the bed , looking at the floor . Conner went back to his packing , zipping up the second duffel and went to the door , opening it and setting them in the hall , letting the door close as he walked into the spare bedroom . He opened the closet and pulled out the remaining suits he had and grabbed the suit cover , putting them in it , and zipped it up , he put it over his shoulder and walked to the door , opening it , stopping as Alec came around the corner , standing there , watching Conner take the apartment key off his ring and then looked at Alec as the tears were streaming even more now . Conner dropped it on the floor at Alec 's feet and glared at him , then walked out the door , letting it close slowly behind him . Conner could hear Alec sobbing as the door closed tight . He grabbed the duffel bags and went down the stairs to the car , opening the back end , he put the bags in there , and heard someone next to him . " Conner . " Kurt said and Conner looked up , glaring . Kurt held up his hands . " Look , I 'm sorry , it was all my fault , man , really I swear . I pushed myself on him . He 's drunk off his ass , you know that . I was a fuck for taking advantage of it . " " Listen , he 's not the bad guy here , I am . I 'm sorry , don 't do this to him . Don 't walk away from him like this . He loves you . " " Yeah ? And what the fuck do you know ? You have no idea about any of it . All you wanted to do was get your nut , right ? Well , fuckwad , now 's your chance . You can get it as much as you want . He 'll make it easy for you , and he 'll do it anyway you want . " " Really , like I said , what do you know of it ? There 's something going on , and I 'm gone less than five minutes and you two are ripping each other 's clothes off . How fucking stupid do you think I really am ? " " Go fuck yourself , Kurt . " Conner turned closing the back door of the car , " No , better yet , go fuck him , he wants it . " Conner smiled a fake smile and got in the car . Kurt turned away and walked to the other end of the parking lot . Conner watched him for a minute and then started the car . He backed out of the space and then pulled out of the parking lot . He drove for a while trying to clear his head and then pulled into a parking lot and parked the car , getting out , leaving it running . A man walked over , and said a couple of things to Conner and then got in the car after handing Conner a slip of paper . Conner walked in and up to the desk . " Thank you , sir . " The man said , taking the receipt and then slid a key card across the counter toward him . " It is the fifth , sir , room 502 , to the right at the end . " He smiled . " Enjoy your stay , Mr . Van Owen . " He smiled and Conner nodded in reply , going toward the elevator . The man watched him walk away lifting an eyebrow . Conner was sitting at his desk in his office , going over some papers that he had picked up from his father 's office a few days before . He read the itinerary on the first page . He looked it over , and matched it to what was listed on the back few pages of the stack . Conner frowned , thinking this was going to be a really long trip , but it couldn 't have come at a better time , especially the way he was feeling , and it was getting worse as the hours went by with each passing day . Nothing , not a word , and he was missing him so bad , it was beyond a hurt to him , and then there were the nights , they were the worst . All he did was sit in his room , night after night , looking out over the city , the lights , seeing the moon and the stars , and he hurt so bad , it kept him from sleeping , or was it because he missed sleeping next to him , he didn 't know for sure , only the pain he felt , the deep longing that was eating at him . His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door . He rolled his eyes and looked up . " Yeah ? " He called out in reply . The door opened slowly and then he saw a familiar face with a smile on it . He smiled in return seeing it , and then he got up from the desk . " Hey , what 's going on ? " Conner said as he came around the desk . " I was gonna ask you the same question . I 've been trying to get a hold of you , but your phone keeps going to that voicemail thing . I hate leaving messages . " Ty said , holding out his arms , and Conner fell into them , hugging him tight . " Yeah , phone 's dead and I haven 't gotten a new charger for it yet . How 've you been ? How 's Derrick ? " " Bud , come on , it 's me . " Ty said looking at him with a half - smile . " Alec is going crazy trying to get a hold of you . " " Yeah , well , let him keep trying . He knows where I am during the day . " Conner said , turning away , going back to his desk . " Yeah , I 'm fucking sure . I watched them long enough . They were stripping clothes and I wasn 't even gone five minutes . I don 't know if he 's been doing it for long , but how the fuck can I marry the son of a bitch and be able to trust him ? " " Well , I mean , he 's not like that . He loves you so much . You should have seen him when you were in New York , he was like a little school girl all warm and bubbly every time your name came up , or you called . And that wasn 't that long ago either . Now , I 'm not an expert but , I 've seen some people that have had it bad , but he has got it really bad for you , and that 's something that just doesn 't go away overnight or anytime soon . Something else is wrong , has to be . " " Look , I 've got to get ready to do this trip . " Conner said . " I 've got a ton of shit to get done . " " Okay , I get the hint . " Ty said , sounding upset . He went to the door and opened it , looking back at Conner . " Why don 't you give us a call when you get back , whenever that is . " Ty said . " I don 't think so . I think you 're hiding , and I think you 're being used . " Ty said , giving him a glare . " I think you 're hiding from Alec , and don 't want to figure it out , and now you 're going off to the other side of the planet , sounds kind of convenient to me , and just maybe your old man has got something to do with it . Sounds like the shit you had in New York , and you remember how that turned out , yeah , plane crash . What do they say , history repeats itself ? Yeah , you 're fucked or being fucked with . Maybe you should get your head out of your ass and figure it out before it 's really too late . He 's a really great guy and maybe you two should grow up a little and work it out . If you lose him , you lose yourself for the rest of your life , think about that while you 're flying over the ocean . " Ty said and turned , walking out the door . " See ya , bud . " Conner stood there for the longest time , letting Ty 's words sink into him , making the pain in his chest go even deeper , and cut sharper . Conner sat down and for the first time in the longest time , his eyes welled , and a tear dropped . He sobbed softly , and the phone on his desk rang . He looked over at it and picked it up . " Hello ? " Conner said and he sniffled , as he listened . " Oh , hello Cal . How are you ? " Conner listened for a minute and then said softly . " Listen , like I said when I called you the other day and left a message , I 've had to turn you over to another realtor in the office . Yes , I 'm sorry , but I am leaving the country for a few months , I told you that in the message . It 's part of my job , and like I said , I 'm sorry but there 's really nothing more that I can do . Yes , I know it 's tough right now , it 's kind of tough for me too , but , you 're in good hands I promise . Look , I 've got to go and get things ready for tomorrow . I 'm sorry . Yeah , thanks , okay , I 'll call you when I get back . Alright , thanks for calling , okay , bye . " Conner hung up the phone and just stared at it . Well , that made me feel better , Conner thought to himself , yeah right , my life fucking sucks . Single guy , fertile imagination , love to write , and write all kinds of things . Just changed the email to [ email protected ] I love to hear from you guys . Your criticism , comments , whatever is always appreciated . Have any ideas , let me know as well . Whatever I can do to help out . GayDemon uses cookies to ensure you get the best user experience . By using our service , you agree to our use of cookies . 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As I mentioned in my last post , my grand - uncle passed away . Uncle Eddie was the last of the brothers to pass away . Aunt Margie however , is the last of the generation and she is still alive . When I found out he had passed away , I was devastated . I was however , able to go to his funeral service . Along with that , I also got to meet my family for the first time . This is the family that lives on the east coast . It was a good trip overall . Everyday was pretty much a party . I left on Friday and spent the entire day traveling . I took a shuttle to the Salt Lake airport then on a plane to Baltimore , then to Long Island , New York . It was such a long trip there . When I got to the airport , I wasn 't sure who to look for . I was told that my cousin would be picking me up . Joe , one of my other cousins , told me to look out for a 300lb cuddly teddy bear that 's a paramedic . I got my luggage and looked around aimlessly for a good 10 minutes . I then happened to look out the window and there was someone pointing at me who fit the description I was given . I went outside and was greeted with a huge hug . The craziness then began . The traffic in New York is absolutely horrible . I guess it 's not so much the traffic as it is the other drivers . After about 20 minutes , we got to my cousin Mark 's house . There was food and lots of alcohol . A little after midnight , Joe and I convinced everyone that we needed pizza . It needed to be authentic New York pizza though . Off someone went to get it for us . It was a blast meeting everyone . The funeral was scheduled for the next day at 10 : 00am . I didn 't get back to the house I was staying at until about 3 : 00 and I had to be up by 7 : 00 . It was a crazy night and I was tired the next day . The next day I got up and was so tired and didn 't feel good at all . I showered and got ready , but it took me quite a while to do so . I finally stumbled down the stairs and we left . We got to the funeral home and bagels were waiting for us . We pretty much had a tailgating party before the viewing . I only took a couple bites ofSarah Zawatski - McClellan So much has been going on with Michael and I . Last weekend , Michael and a group of others moved most of our stuff into our new apartment . It 's a small one bedroom place . It was hard for me to agree to downsize , but it will help Michael and I get out of debt and that 's our focus right now . After dropping off my resume to 8 pharmacies in Idaho Falls , I was called by 3 of them to be hired . The first one didn 't know what my schedule would be , but I took it anyway because that was my first offer . This place was willing to work with my schedule at Broulim 's too , so it worked for me . A week or so after that , I was called by Albertson 's . They were going to offer a full time position , but only for 8 - 10 weeks while another technician would be out due to surgery . That was better than not knowing my schedule , so I accepted that job . The first place was more than willing to work around both the Broulim 's and Albertson 's schedules , and I thought I was set . With Albertson 's , I needed to have a drug test done and agreed to that . The day before I was supposed to go in , I got a call from another pharmacy . This pharmacy had a full time position available . There were no questions about my schedule and I didn 't have to worry about finding a new one in just a few weeks . Of course , I accepted . This led me to quit Broulim 's , and tell both Albertson 's and HyWay Drug that I couldn 't work for them . It worked out too good for me in the end . We are still in the process of getting our place oragnized though . It has been one chore after another . Thanksgiving was good too . Michael and I went to the Turkey Choir concert which is a community choir that sings every year on Thanksgiving Day . Last year Michael and I sang in it , but I got a cold for a good 2 weeks so we didn 't attend the practices . After that , we went over to Michael 's cousin 's house and did the dinner and game thing . We then went back to our apartment in Parker and cleaned . It wasn 't too bad . We were able to stay at the Nate 's house since they went out of town . We were asked to dog Sarah Zawatski - McClellan Michael and I are moving for the 4th time since we have been married . We started out in good ole ' Rexburg at a small one bedroom place . We then upgraded to a 2 bedroom , but apparently that wasn 't enough for us . We then decided to move to Parker into a nice 1200 square foot , 2 bedroom place . It has been fun , but now it 's time to upgrade once more ! ! Everyone dreams about having a huge house and Michael and I are the same way . Our dreams though , have yet to come true . If you thought that was our house , we got you ! ! ! We actually are downgrading this time . We found a nice one bedroom place in Idaho Falls . It makes sense for us to move there since Michael goes to school there and works there . I 'll be working at Broulim 's still , but I 'm hoping I can get a full time job in Idaho Falls . I dropped my resume off to about 10 pharmacies there , and now I 'm just waiting to get call backs from any of the places . Our last day living here in Rexburg / Parker will be December 1st . It 'll be sad because we have made so many friends , but by moving we will be saving a ton of money . I had to work on Halloween , but only for 4 and 1 / 2 hours . It wasn 't bad at all . The pharmacy was slow but the rest of the store was complete chaos . The store decided to have a " Cart or Treat . " It got really busy with parents and kids and employees all dressed up . Candy was everywhere and so were the kids . It was a chilly day so it was nice for the parents to be abble to bring their kids in and get candy . After work , I went to the hair salon and got my hair and make - up done . Since my hair is so short , I wasn 't sure how it would turn out . It was amazing though . I got it curled , then black netting was tied into it . I then headed over to the make - up section and got all " did " up . I went as Madonna and Michael went as a fireman . We went trick or treating with the Nate family . It was so fun ! ! I hadn 't done that in such a long time . After trick or treating , we came back to the Nate 's house and watched Wolverine . I love that movie ! ! Maybe it 's cause of the hot guy in it . Posted by My birthday was this past Monday and it was pretty fun all through out the week . On Sunday , we had a fabulous steak dinner paired with a baked potato bar . It was like heavin on earth . Sister Nate cooked the food ! ! It just so happens that her birthday is the same as mine , so we had a joint birthday dinner . Michael and I supplied dessert . We had a cake made for the both of us . It was made by the same girl that made Michael 's . My side was pink and had our rats and a crown . Maria 's side had a rolling pin , a campfire , and the Republican elephant . It was good too ! ! ! Top layer was a chocolate cake with a chocolate ganache filling and the bottom was a velvet red cake with a cream cheese filling . On Monday , I was off work for my actual birthday . I went back to the salon after getting my hair on Saturday and not liking it , and getting it redone . Work decided to not schedule me for whatever reasons . On Monday night , I went out to dinner with the Nates . We went to Bajio , then to the straw maze . I didn 't think the maze would be very good , but it was . Michael was in class so he wasn 't able to come with us . He did get me a bouquet of flowers and some chocolates though . It was really nice of him since we don 't have much money right now . I came to work on Wednesday since I still had hours in the pharmacy . On Thursday when I came here , I was handed a cake from the manager . That was a nice surprise . Since then , I have been planning my 30th birthday party . Not too far away from that anymore . Only 7 years ! ! ! That 's insane ! ! ! I got bored the other day and decided to make truffles . I tried a new recipe and it turned out really good . The recipe I used before didn 't harden the chocolate like it was supposed to . This one actually hardened . I wanted to make them flavored but wasn 't sure how to . I just rolled them in cocoa and they taste amazing . I also had a craving for potato soup so I made that too . It was like a baked potato soup . I added bacon , broccoli , and cheese . AMAZING ! ! ! ! I have finally returned back to Idaho . . . for me , it 's not a good thing . It 's so cold up here and I hate it . We have to stay though until Michael graduates with his Master 's . We are out of here for sure when that day comes around . My trip overall was fun . I was able to do a ton of food storage shopping for us . I was also able to spend time with my family which was nice . I liked being able to chat with my grandma and not have either of us cry or get upset . She and my aunt bought me my birthday presents which I thought was nice . My birthday is still like a month away , but they wanted to make sure that I got something . I got everything pink , which didn 't surprise me one bit . My motto for most gifts is " If it 's pink , just buy it . " Maybe I shouldn 't have that motto though . Knowing my family , who knows what I could end up getting . I was able to spend time with Michael 's family also . That was definitely a break from being around mine . I also got to see a couple friends while I was there . Hailie Clark was a friend of Michael 's way back . Hailie 's husband , Brett , was a good friend of Michael 's also . They were married before us and had a baby girl just about a month ago . She is the sweetest little thing ever . After seeing her , I need one now . Michael still begs to differ on that though , saying we need to wait a little longer . I guess that I can 't really argue with him though . The drives , both to Arizona and back home weren 't that bad either . On the Thursday I left , I drove straight through . It took me about 16 hours , but I made it . On the way back , I got off to a late start so I stayed over night in Salt Lake with a friend of Michael 's . It was nice of Kara and her husband to let me crash at their place . I did get home to a clean house though . That was before I got all my stuff in . I can 't wait to go back in December ! ! Last night was a little interesting . It 's kind of a funny story though . I was lying in bed when I heard my phone go off . It was a text from my sister . It read , " Ask Michael what your magic name is . " I texted herSarah Zawatski - McClellan Seriously . . . . ? I have been in Arizona for what . . . 5 days now ? Out of those 5 , I have gotten pulled over 2 of them . That 's 40 % of the time I have been here . I get nervous driving , so I try not to speed or do anything stupid like text or grab something from the backseat and noot look at the road . I have seen too many movies and " educational " videos on that stuff . I got pulled over for the same both times . The funny thing is that I can 't do anything about it . Idaho can though . Will they is the question though . On Idaho license plates , like all other states , they have the month and year the registration expires . On Idaho 's however , they have the month written big and the year written small . This has caused the cops here to pull me ovver for expired plates . On my plate , it expires in February 2010 . The " 02 " is big and cops seem to think that 's year . Based on their thinking , I am driving a car that expired in 2002 . So funny , but I get so nervous when I get pulled over . In all my experience of driving , I have gotten pullled over maybe 4 times and have yet to receive a ticket . I hope it never comes to that though . Here are pics that might explain better what I just put into words . Posted by Today was another hot one in Arizona . It got to be 106 degrees ! ! ! Freakin hot compared to the 60 degree weather that I 'll be heading back to in just a few days . My dad owns a deli out here and he asked me to work today . I thought it would be boring , but it was surprisingly fun . There were tons of customers that came in that I knew . They all asked how I was and what I am up to now . Lunch was definitely the best part of my day . I just stuffed myself with all the good food that my dad has . He has so many good sandwiches but my favorite is definitely the " Doughboy . " It 's turkey and bacon on sourdough bread with mayo , avacado , and swiss cheese . Then it 's warmed up to that perfect temperature of goodness ! ! ! My mouth is watering now just thinking about it . When I was done there , I headed over to my grandma 's house only too find out that I won 't be getting that KitchenAid for my birthday , but for Christmas instead . I 'm fine with that . My grandma wanted to know what I need or want for the house and I told her a KitchenAid would be nice . I just didn 't know how expensive those things are . Speaking of birthdays , my dad 's is tomorrow . He 'll be the big 51 ! ! WOW ! ! ! I can 't believe he 's that old already . I feel that old some days and I 'm not even half his age yet . Sad days to come for me . Posted by Being here in Arizona has been pretty fun so far . I went shopping today with my mom . We went to IKEA , Costco , and Fry 's . I love IKEA ! ! ! They have so much weird stuff that I want but would probably never use . I wish we had one closer to Rexburg , but that 's okay . It 's good that it 's so far away because I save my money that way . I also love Costco . I bought a ton of stuff in bulk . That means our year supply will now be getting closer to being a " year " one and not just a " month " one . At Fry 's , I bought a ton more stuff and ended up only paying like forty dollars for everything . I still can 't believe all the deals they have , plus all the coupons that are hidden on the boxes in the back of the shelves . I got 5 bottles of barbeque sauce for free by getting the macaroni boxes that were in the back . I never buy anything that is right in front . To me , it 's almost like those are the " tester " ones , like what they have at Bath and Body Works for people to smell the lotions and such . Today though , I hit the jackpot with getting the stuff that 's in the back . My mom was also helpful in buying Michael and I more stuff than we need , or even have room for . It was nice of her though . Her and I had gotten into a tiff earlier in the day about Michael and I . She was saying that she doesn 't condone me being a member of the church . She also said she doesn 't condone the marriage that Michael and I have sacredly taken a vow into . That kind of hurt . She did say one positive thing though . She brought up the point that I am a " better kid at my age " than some she has come across . I told her that can be attributed to the church . I am glad that I was raised to not take crap from anyone . I have learned that if I stand up for myself , no matter who it be against , I can feel stronger as a person . I think my mom learned of the important role the church has been playing in my life over the past couple years . I also went to dinner with my mom and dad tonight . My dad 's birthday is on Tuesday , so it was kind of for that . Plus , they usually always go out Sarah Zawatski - McClellan I finally made it back to Arizona . I usually fly , but this time I drove . . . all by myself . Michael would have come with me , but he is now in Grad school and that means he has to be a big boy and organize his life . I left Thursday morning around 5 : 00 and made it here around 8 : 00pm . It was about a 16 hour drive . The weird part is that I didn 't really get too tired along the way . Usually , I 'm out about the time I get to Pocatello when I 'm on the shuttle . I did feel a little worn out when I got more into Utah and closer to Arizona , but I made it . I told Michael that the drive wasn 't that bad , but I definitely would not want to do it again if given the choice . I guess I 'll have to do it again next week to get back to Idaho , but I 'll be prepared . I absolutely love it here . I love that my family is here . I love that part of Michael 's family is here . I love all my friends here . I love the hot bright sun and the really , really hot heat it radiates here . I love the stores here . I love that I can drive about 10 minutes and be at a mall . I love all the variety of things and people here . I love the radio stations here . I love the restaurants here . I just love Arizona . I want to move back so bad and I hope that one day we can . Today , I went to a grocery store called Fry 's , and I was amazed at all the amazing deals and sales they have . They have half gallons of milk for 77 cents . That 's amazing ! ! ! They had this sale a couple weeks back where Sobe drinks were only 49 cents a bottle . So unheard of . I had my mom get me a rain check and you can be sure that I stocked up on those . I got like 60 bottles . Everything about Fry 's is amazing . Maybe that 's the main reason I want to move back . With combining my coupon power and Fry 's amazing deals , I 'll save so much money ! ! ! Plus , both Michael and I will be working here making more than we do in Idaho and that will be awesome . I went to Michael 's brother 's birthday party tonight and it was fun . I felt like it was mixtures of different things . Right when you walk in the front door , Rockband Sarah Zawatski - McClellan I absolutely love coupons ! ! ! I always have , but never thought about clipping them until recently . My mom used to do it and I saw how much time she " wasted " doing so . I know she saved a ton of money though . Since I have been working in a grocery store as a cashier , I have seen just how much people can save . I talked with Michael and told him that we needed to get a subscription to a newspaper so we can get all those coupons . So exciting ! ! ! Today , I clicked a few coupons just for chicken and got 6 packages for only 30 cents ! ! ! How amazing is that ? ? ! ! ! ! When you find good deals on items you buy all the time , just find a coupon to go with it and you 'll save even more . Michael and I are going to try it for a month and see how much we save and see if it 's worth it . I 'm sure it will be . Bring on the coupons and all those good sales ! ! ! I got all this stuff : 8 full size Aussie hair products 6 packages of chicken thighs 3 cans of Progresso chunky soup 3 Hamburger Helpers 2 frozen packages broccoli and cheese 2 Betty Crocker meal sides for only $ 16 . 30 ! ! ! ! Michael and I are movie stars . . . okay not really , but we are in a movie . It 's called Life , A True Story . We filmed back in March and finally saw ourselves on the big screen last night . It was neat , but kind of weird at the same time . It 's a movie that was filmed here in Rexburg . The main plot is about a guy who goes through life 's trials : getting dumped , can 't find a job , moving , etc . It 's really good . We were told that it will only be shown in a few places , which made me sad cause I wanted my family to see it . After it gets shown to smaller communities , it will be submitted to the Sun Dance Film Festival . I 'm so excited for that ! ! ! We 'll see what comes of all this . The movie was amazing . It 's really cool how one person films for about a month or so then edits for the next few months until the movie comes together . Movie posters were made for this movie as well and I got one . It even has our names on it . So awesome ! ! Here are the pics . Posted by Life will once again become stressful and lonely starting on Monday . Michael will be starting Graduate school . He has night classes every day except Friday . On Wednesdays , he 'll be driving to Pocatello which is about an hour and a half away from where we live . On that day , he 'll be getting home close to mid - night . I 'm not looking forward to that . I 'm one that gets scared at night and especially when we live out in the middle of nowhere with spiders and other such animals . I guess , I 'll have to get used to it though . If nothing else , I 'll just drive the 5 minutes to one of our professors home and chill there for the mean while . I say professor , because that 's what Brotyher Nate is . He teaches Economics at BYU - Idaho . Michael and I both took his class the semester he was looking for a baby sitter . Michael and I " applied " for the job and got it . Since then , we have become close friends with both him and his family . Tonight we got a call from a member of the Bishopric asking if we would like to speak in church on Sunday . Does anyone really like to speak in church ? I mean everyone except High Priests . . . . ? We 'll see how that goes too . We have only been in the ward for about a month now , but officially only 2 weeks . The same day we were " sustained " as new members of the ward , I was sustained as the Primary Chorister . I hope that Heavenly Father can help me with this one . Only being a member for about 2 and 1 / 2 years doesn 't make me qualifiedm for this calling . I have yet to know the basic songs such as " Popcorn Popping " and the " Snowman Song . " I 'll learn soon enough and with a primary program approaching in just a mere 6 weeks , I 'll have to make sure the kids know the songs too . Well , that 's all for now . Posted by I finally have more hours at work . I hope that means I can spend less time at home doing nothing . We 'll see though . Instead of working just in the pharmacy , I also cashier . It seems pretty interesting . Learning all those produce codes will take a bit of practice , but I should have them down pretty quickly . Not too much more to say . Posted by The end of the semester has finally arrived ! ! ! ! Tomorrow is the last day . I am so excited ! ! ! It has been a busy semester . We also moved to a bigger place . It 's a little farther away , but it should work out fine for us . I am hoping to get another job soon . I have had interviews at both Wal - Mart pharmacy and Medicine Shoppe pharmacy . I 'm just waiting to hear back from either one so I can finally work more and earn more money . I have been working in a pharmacy job for about 4 years now , so I do have that experience . I just hope the companies see that . As for the apartment , it 's a pretty nice place . The only issue that we really have is the color . Everything is green . . . the walls , carpet , etc . Funny thing is we have a couch that has a green couch cover and our futon also has a green sheet on it . I guess you said that we 're going green ! ! ! We do have a lot of land though which is nice . There is also a chicken coop , which we can get fresh eggs from ! ! ! There is a green house that we can grab fresh vegetables from and we have a pond ! ! It 's big enough to have a canoe in it . We have yet to go in the pond , but hopefully within the next few weeks , we 'll experience that . The owners of the place are really great and have helped us a lot and have listened too our concerns . I get to paint the apartment a pretty cream color . It 's called " Arizona Light . " I guess I 'm partial though because that 's where we 're from . Pictures are soon to come . . . both with what it looks like now and what it will look like in the near future ! ! Posted by Our Fourth of July weekend was pretty fun . On Friday we went to the Nates ' house and watched X - Men . It had been a long time since I had seen it so I was excited . Before the movie though , I helped Maria get packages of meat put together for the next day 's dinner . It was some labor intensive work , but we managed . Michael wanted to help too and he did for about 30 seconds . While trying to slice fat off a piece of meat , he slit his finger . I guess that 's why women are the ones that need to do the cooking . After all the meat was done , we then watched the movie . We didn 't start it until a little after ten , and by then we were all tired . The next day , July 4th , we had to be up early so we could head down to Idaho Falls and get a good spot for the parade . We had " reserved " someone 's lawn only because Maria 's sister knew the people that lived there . After we set up camp , we headed to Maria 's mom 's house for cinny rolls and flag raising . It was insane . There were so many people there . We later found out that it was a family reunion for Maria 's cousins and the rest of her family . After we all ate , we headed to the parade . That was pretty fun . With Maria dancing in the street , Michael getting into a cop car , and candy getting thrown all over , it was a blast . We then headed to a church building for lunch . Michael and I left after lunch and discovered that some a * * hole had ran into our car and left a nice dent right above the driver 's side wheel . I was a little pissed . I just can 't believe some people . We got back too Rexburg and took a nap . We then went back to the Nate 's house and had dinner . About 2 hours before the big fireworks show , we hheaded back to Idaho Falls . This time we went in the Nate 's van . The fireworks in Idaho Falls were amazing . I had never been there and after remembering last year 's show in Rexburg , I was grateful to be in Idaho Falls . Their show put the one in Rexburg to shame . Overall , it was good and we had tons of fun . Posted by One of the biology teachers that I have this semester was involved in a motorcycle accident on June 10 . Brother Travis Wall and his daughter were on a date . They were near Dad 's Truckstop after stopping at Reed 's Day for some ice cream . They turned heading southbound when a big truck cut right out in front of them . Brother Wall threw his arm around his daughter . They both were immediately taken to the ICU . His daughter was taken to pediatrics a few days after the accident , but Brother Wall is still in critical condition . He has a serious head injury they are trying to deal with . Just to keep Brother Wall alive , one of his legs had to be removed . His wife started a blog to keep everyone updated . For those of you that know Brother Wall , the link to the blog page is below . Please keep him and his family in your prayers . http : / / www . walltravis . blogspot . com Yet another perfect , but imperfect game ! ! ! I was sitting on my little couch listening to Prince when I bowled this amazing game ! ! First off , I was doing it for fun , then I got a little competitive with myself when I noticed I was up to " eight in a row " as the Wii calls it . Yeah that 's right , 8 strikes in a row . Then I went up to " nine in a row " and finally eneded with " ten in a row . " I don 't know how I do it . I don 't even place my ball in the same spot , nor do I have some " special routine " that I must do each time before I throw . For those that have been bowling with me before , you are well aware that I just hold the ball , walk up to the line , and let it go . Nothing special . I guess that 's why I am so good on the Wii . I just hold the remote , sit back , and throw the remote towards the TV . Amazing ! ! ! ! Amazing ! ! ! ! ! Amazing ! ! ! ! They should have a tournament for bowling on the Wii . I would join and I would rock it ! ! ! Here 's the picture to prove my new victory . Just wait another week or so and I may finally have that perfect 300 game under my belt . Posted by I signed Michael and I up to volunteer for the Teton Dam Marathon . Little did I know that we would have to be up at the crack of dawn . I guess before that really . We got up around 5 : 00am and drove down to the stadium . We saw a few people and hopped in the van with them . ( No it wasn 't a drug van , but at that early in the morning , I don 't think I would have minded either way . ) Anyway , we waited for a few minutes and then drove to where the ORC is . Wow , such a long drive ! ! ! ! More and more people seemed to show up . Then the girl with the shirts finally got there . We got out of the van and got our Dam shirts . After that we got back in the Dam van . There were lots of Dam people just standing around . We were sitting in the van when we saw a Dam group walk behind the van . The music was blaring and Michael and I had no idea what we were supposed to do . After a few minutes , we walked to the girl that was in charge and she told us that the set - up crew had already headed to Smith Park . That was the group we saw walking by . She then told us that we would have to walk to Smith Park . Yeah right ! ! ! Walking that early in the morning with only a few hours of sleep . I think not . Anyway , Michael and I left to come back home . You may ask if we feel bad about getting shirts and not volunteering ? ? ? NO WAY ! ! ! It should have been more organized . Moral of the story : If you really want something , but don 't want to work for it . . . just act ignorant and always get in the PAAAAARTAAAAAAYYYYYY VAN ! ! ! Posted by Whoop ! ! Whoop ! ! Yeah this is so me . So , I got home from school and bowled my first game of Wii Bowling . ( Well , for the day ) ! ! ! I got 4 strikes , then a spare . That spare made me mad beyond mad . After that , I thought to myself that 4 strikes is good enough . Then after the spare , I bowled another 5 strikes . At this , I was so excited ! ! ! ! Then I got another spare and one last strike . That made my total and final score a 268 ! ! ! 268 ! ! ! Can you believe that ? That 's almost a freakin perfect game . Now , looking back on the last 10 minutes , I am so pissed that I almost bowled a perfect game , but because of the two spares , not so ! ! ! I 'll just keep practicing , and maybe I 'll take my skills that I have on the Wii and use them at a real bowling alley ! ! ! Yeah right . Who am I kidding ? I can barely knock down 5 pins at the real place . I think I have finally found my forte though . . . Wii Bowling . . . and I 'm a pro ! ! ! Now as for Hitler , or Michael , not so good . A 54 ? ? ? Seriously ? ? I have never gotten a 54 in my entire life . . . on the Wii or at a real bowling alley . I guess Hitler and Michael should both stick to what they are good at . . . trying to control other people and having the idea that they are better than everyone else . Posted by Today I was able to shadow Dr . Hicks . He is the oral surgeron that removed my wisdom teeth . It was pretty amazing . There were a few different surgeries that he performed today . On the first guy , he had to remove some growth on his lower lip . It was pretty neat . Dr . Hicks numbed the guy with the big needle . ( I never knew those needles were so long and big . ) When the guy was numb , Dr . Hicks took a little razor thing and cut the growth off . He then put stitches so the hole would close . That procedure took like a total of ten minutes . After that , another guy came in that had his wisdom teeth removed . It seemed like the guy was awake for some of the procedure . He kept moving and the thing on the thumb kept falling off . The weirdest part was being able to talk to the patient , then all of a sudden having the patient fall asleep . Other procedures that were done were a kid had a screw out into his bone . The screw is supposed to help with keeping his teeth straight while he has braces . Another lady came in and had horrible teeth . She had a few of her " main " teeth removed . Such a fun , yet interesting day . Being able to watch Dr . Hicks and his nurses has opened my eyes to other fields except for pharmacy . I guess we 'll see what happens with the path I choose to take . The nurses there were so nice and I learned a lot . I hope that I get more chances to shadow other people so I can really know what I want to go into . Posted by So , Monday was Michael 's birthday ! ! He turned the big 24 . A friend from Arizona came down to visit with family and he stopped by to chill with us . It was pretty fun . We went over to the Nates ' house and had a little party . Michael 's cake was amazing . It was him camping and fishing . So cute . We had a salmon and hotdog ( for me ) dinner . It was so good . I tried salmon for the first time , and it was pretty good . That 's big for me , because I 'm one that hates fish . After dinner , we had the cake and Michael opened his presents and enrolled help in doing so . The Nate kids all joined in and used everything but their hands to open the big box . We then played a game of baseball . It was boys versus girls . We 're not quite sure who won . The girls were slacking at the beginning , but after I figured out what the glove was used for , we did fairly well . Overall , it was a good time . ( Pictures on blog . ) Since we had the long weekend , Michael and I took a trip to Oakley , Idaho . There is a family up there that Michael baptized on his mission . They moved from Oklahoma to Idaho a few years back . We were able to Brother Green fix his sprinkler system and their ride on lawn mower . I love that family . They remind me so much of what my family is like . My favorite part was definitely the horses . I do like horses and do want ONE , but don 't have enough room right now . Soon enough though . If that happens , I 'll have to hire Maddie to come and help me take care of that big guy . Before we left , we were told by one of our managers that we needed to get rid of our rats . One of the maintenance guys here came in to check something and saw them . Since he apparently had nothing better to do , he " ratted " on us . Josh told us we needed to have them out . We found a family for the twins . I refuse to get rid of Spartan and Flash . They are like my children . I wrote a few e - mails to the Housing Office , but have yet to hear back from them . We 'll see what happens . Posted by We added two new little guys to our family . I was told they are 5 months old and were going to be given back to a pet store to be used as snake food . I couldn 't let that happen . Flash and Spartan aren 't too thrilled , but I think all four will get along just fine . They have already had a few moments , but the same is going to happen with kids . Here are pics of the new little guys , as well as Flash and Spartan . We have yet to name the " little twins . " Posted by Michael and I have survived the first two weeks of school . It has been fun and I love all my classes already . I have some intense ones , but I should do fine . My chemistry and biology classes are going to cause the most stress in my life , but I do have Econ and D & C to help mellow things out . Michael has 4 business classes , and so far , he 's doing well . I recently applied for a manager position at the complex we live at . I had an interview on Thursday , but it was just a preliminary one . I will find out this week sometime if I have a final interview . Michael and I are crossing our fingers . It would help us out so much if I got that job . Our rent would go down and we would bring in a little extra money . I 'm at work right now and should be doing something productive here , but I have already finished all my " Saturday tasks . " It 's not too busy either . Maybe everyone came down with Swine Flu and is home sick . If that 's the case , then I should be home too . Posted by We finally got everything organized into our new place . My goodness , it took such a long time . I guess it 's just a reminder that one only needs to move if they really need to . So much work and it gets so old and tiring real easily . Oh well . Michael and I really like our new place . We especially like all the space we have . We went from having a small one bedroom apaprtment to now having a two bedroom one . We also have a food storage closet ! ! So awesome . It makes me feel even more like a good LDS person knowing that we have space to stow away our food and everything . So nice ! ! Anyway , we didn 't go to church today because we wanted to get everything done before the crazy semester starts . I hope all goes well for the both of us . I have 18 credits that I 'm taking . I have never done that before . Michael has four classes . Two are online . Hehas never done that before , so he 's a little worried . I know that we will do fine though . Posted by Since 10 : 00 this morning , we have been doing nothing except moving into our new place . Some of our stuff wasn 't packed , so we had to deal with that . We also didn 't have enough boxes and that posed a problem . It has been such an exhausting day . I have just been cleaning , while Michael and a few of our neighbors have been making endless trips to get all our stuff over to University Village . Michael is just packing up the last of everything . I hope our next place is worth all the hassle of all this moving agony . I 'm sure it will be . Posted by So , on Monday , I had to take a nice trip to Dr . Lewis ' office . He is a great dentist here in Rexburg . I didn 't think much of anything , but I should have because I hadn 't seen a dentist in like the past ten years . I guess I am just a little scared of them because of all the pain they can inflict on people . After my exam , I was told that I needed to get my wisdom teeth taken out and get a tip root removed as well . My appointment for this procedure was supposed to be the next Friday . . . only like 4 days away . That was yesterday . As Michael and I were driving , I started bawling my eyes out . I knew that I was going to be given a general anesthesia , but I was still freaked out . People can die from that sort of stuff if it 's not done right . I got to Dr . Hicks ' office and he and his nurses all took great care of me . I was sitting in the operation chair and Dr . Hicks was asking me about what I did yesterday . It was supposed to be a distraction so I wouldn 't notice the IV and catheter that was about to be inserted into my right arm . He couldn 't find the vein or whatever it was that he needed to insert the needle into . He then started looking at my wrist and at the top of my right hand . I was freaked out about that and told him to try to my left arm . Luckily it worked . The needle was inserted and before I knew it I was waking up from the procedure . It literally felt like on a 2 minute nap . I must have asked the nurse for my surgery cap , because I left the office with it . Anesthesia is the weirdest thing ever . I didn 't feel any pain for the first 20 minutes or so , but then it kicked in . Michael took me to Jamba Juice , but I couldn 't and didn 't want to drink the smoothie because my mouth was so numb and full of blood . It was disgusting . As we got closer to Rexburg , I realized that the smoothie Michael got me had bananas in it and that I wasn 't allowed to eat it . We went to the Jamba that 's her in town . I also went to Broulim 's and talked with Steve about my surgery . When I got home , I should have gone to bed or at least taken Sarah Zawatski - McClellan It has been a year since Michael and I have been married , and it has been one fun - filled roller coaster ride . We have definitely had our share of fights and arguments , but we have also had our share of good times . I feel so blessed that I was able to meet Michael and that we started what we have now . I just think back to when I first met Michael and I thought my goodness . I am so happy that I decided to take that initial step and be baptized into this church . That was a little over 2 years ago . ( Like 2 years and 4 days ) Michael and I are artsy people , but all we do is take pictures and make stained glass windows . Since this is the case , we decided to go out and get some artwork that is way better than ours could ever be . Michael is a pretty crafty guy ( that 's for Travis ( ; ) , and because of that , he decided to build the frames for the art that we bought . I love that about him . He tries to make things so that they mean more to both of us . Posted by My sister - in - law sent this to me and I had to share with all the fabulous ladies out there . There was a man who worked hard all his life . He saved every penny he made and was very stingy and prideful of his money . Just before he died , he made his wife promise that she would put all his money in a jar and bury it with him . He wanted it all for himself in his afterlife . The old man died shortly after . At the end of his service , the obedient wife put a silver box in his casket . The undertakers shut and locked the casket . The woman 's friend was furious saying , " Girl , I know you did not put all that money in his casket . " The wife replied , " I promised , and I can 't go back on my word . " The friend said , " You mean to tell me that you really put that money in the casket ? ? ? " The wife replied back , " I sure did . I gathered all the money , put it in my account and wrote him a check . . . if he can cash it , he can spend it ! ! ! " Ladies , we can always out smart our husbands . Let 's just have them think they are smarter than we are . I love the color pink and everything girlie . I am studying to become a pharmacist when I grow up . My husband Michael and I were married in the Idaho Falls Temple on February 2 , 2008 . We have had our share of ups and downs , but being married has been just great . Michael is the biggest blessing in my life . When he grows up , he wants to be a psychologist or a teacher or a human resources something something .

" It 's nowhere near as creepy as a lot of these stories , but was still unsettling . A few months ago , my husband and I decided to drive out of the city to view the Perseid meteor shower . We drove way out into the middle of nowhere ( this is Texas ) - random turning down dirt roads for miles and miles . Finally we found a place - no lights anywhere , hadn 't passed any private driveways or homes in miles . We 're on the hood of the car and we hear , out of the pitch black , someone ( or something ) SCREAMING . No words , just this long , drawn - out scream , which sounded like a man . Our asses were off the hood and inside the car , doors locked , before it stopped . I 've seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre . Fuck that shit . " " A close coworker of mine has two daughters . She was telling me a story of one time of how her younger daughter would sleep in bed with her because she was afraid to sleep by herself . ( She was about 4 / 5 years old at the time . ) Well one night the little girl is lying in bed with her mom and starts staring at a dark corner in her room . My coworker asks her daughter , ' Lilly what 's wrong ? ' The little girl goes , ' Mommy who is that old lady in the corner ? ' Obviously this creeped my coworker out but she wanted to get to the bottom of it more . So over the weeks she showed her daughter pictures of her older ancestors both alive and deceased . Turns out , the little girl ending up identifying the woman in the room as my coworker 's great grandmother who was many years passed … . creepy stuff . " " At the age of four I had an imaginary friend called Sam . Mum had to set the table and everything for him every night . Things then got creepy when we went for a drive one day and I told mum that we needed to go to Sam 's house . Mum drove us following my directions to an old abandoned , run down farm house ( we lived in the Wheat Belt of Western Australia ) . Told mum ' tis was Sam 's house and he wanted me to play there for the day . " This happened to my parents when I was about a year old . They had just bought a house and after about a week they would be woken up to ' Highway to Hell ' playing in the house . No radio was on , no T . V . they tell me it was almost every morning , we only lived in the home for about three months before leaving . " One night I took a shortcut through an alley to a big dirt lot and under a cement structure that would be a building later on . There were huge piles of cinderblocks just waiting to be used , and that 's when I began to hear it . Squeak , squeak , squeak ! Rat swarms began to pour out of the holes in the blocks in what looked like thousands , all coming towards me . A giant swarm of black angry fur . I had to book it as fast as I could and judging by their size they could have been very mean . " Long story short I was staying at a friend 's house , and woke up to someone else in the bed with us who was breathing on my face . I could see from the streetlamp that my friend was turned away from me when I sat up , and that there was actually someone else there too . I also really gently reached out and touched them and felt what felt like an eyebrow / forehead , and they appeared to be asleep . " My grandma died during the late 90s . My cousin , who was her favorite , was asked to find her favorite dress so she could wear it while people visit her at the funerary . The thing is , my grandma 's closet is a huge as a fitting room ( think 6 cubicles 2 rows 3 columns ) . After about an hour of searching coz he can 't find it , he mutters something like ' if only someone would help me . ' The next closet door he opens , the dress just falls in front of him . " I had looked at the place on google earth and it didn 't seem to be more than a small group of ranch style homes . Well , shit went south pretty quick . The first house we passed had this weird army of dogs running around . They all start going batshit crazy so we just sped up but that was like the warning bell because people started coming out of every fucking house and they were all yelling shit at us . My friend and I both start freaking out , speed past and try to find the first place to turn around and get out . As I 'm making my U - turn , rocks are starting to hit my truck and one guy was walking straight from his garage with what looked like a shotgun . He didn 't shoot but I did have some big dents on my truck from the rocks . " This happened about three years ago or so . I was sitting in the kitchen , and it was around 10pm or so . I heard a really loud ' thump ' in the basement . I can 't explain to you how shockingly unnatural looking it was . It looked like … he was controlled or something . I called him over , and he stopped and came upstairs with me . " I was only four when this happened . Was playing outside with my siblings and neighbors and while they 're busy playing , a lady approached me and took me to her place . A nearby neighborhood . After a while , everybody was freaking out and they started looking for me everywhere . This lady was severely depressed , her husband left her after their son died . He couldn 't handle her depression apparently . She took me to her place , fed me and gave me tons of candy . For couple days . She also made me wear her deceased son pajamas . At some point , she took me to buy some candy from the store , the store owner knew her so he reported that to the police . She didn 't hurt me at all , the doctor even said I was well fed . I always think of her and pray she 's in a better place now , even tried to go visit her when I was a college student , her house was sold and she moved away apparently . " I was 22 years old . I had just gotten a place closer to my new job but the neighborhood I lived in was secluded . Maybe four houses within a mile , nothing for miles after that . I was having a normal night , maybe my first week there . I watched some TV and fell asleep . When I woke up around 1 A . M . , I was about to go to my bedroom when I remembered to turn off the bathroom light at the opposite end of the house . As I was walking through the living room , I could barely see through to the kitchen and even farther , the dining room . It was pitch black because the bathroom door was closed . In the dining room , however , I saw something tall standing up in the corner . I froze and as my eyes adjusted , I saw it was an old man or woman in a white gown with white hair . ' Hey ! ' I yelled . The old person sprinted towards me like a fucking jet . I sprinted back to my room were the light was on . I put my hands up , ready to fight and the old person came lunging in and when they saw me they stopped and said ' Why are you in my house ? ' I pretended I was leaving and apologized while I eased into the closer bathroom , locked the door , and called 911 with the house phone . Turns out a woman about a half mile away in the neighborhood had a form of dementia and wandered into my house while I was sleeping . " " Somebody mailed my friend a bunch of pictures of his wife just going about her day . Some of them were taken through windows of their home . Police were called and everything , but nothing ever came of it . They actually moved because of it . " I was trying to be a good kid and was helping with the laundry . Our dryer was broken , so we were using a clothes line outside . I was busy hanging up the wet laundry when the neighbor boy yelled to me . I was super confused because when he said ' recording you . ' I thought he meant with a tape recorder and I wasn 't saying anything . Before I could respond , his dad started yelling at him . That 's when I saw him with his camcorder behind some trees . I didn 't know what to do . One of our new kittens ran over to me and started biting my ankles trying to play , so I used that as an excuse to pick it up and go inside . " Several years ago , just before the last Harry Potter movie came out , my mom and I were marathoning the other seven movies and at about 1am the phone rings . Normally we don 't answer , we figure if it 's important they 'll leave a message , but a call that late at night is probably urgent . Mom answers and almost immediately her face changes and she tells me , ' go wake up your father . ' Shit , I 've never seen my mom this scared , I run upstairs and get him . Back downstairs she 's still on the phone and I have no idea what 's going on . Dad has some words with the caller and we hug it out in the kitchen . This is when I found out my mom had a stalker . Despite him being silent for years , and their whole breakup happening halfway across the country , he somehow found us . Said he 'd driven by our house . Complimented the neighborhood . Freaks me out to this day , wondering how much he knows about us , and if I 've ever talked to him unwittingly . " " I was stalked by a 40 + year0old man from the ages of 10 till 14 . My parents told me about it when I was 13 . I was unaware but they were . He had been following me to school , he had been mailing me things , taking pictures of me , and sending my parents threatening messages in all sorts of ways . " I got up and went to the front door . The main actual door was wide open and only the storm door was closed . A man was walking across the lawn , his back to me . Normal walking . For some reason , I wasn 't afraid . I also wasn 't wearing my glasses so I kind of assumed this guy was a postal worker . I didn 't put the chair by the bed thing together until later … . When the toilet seat slammed down and scared the shit out of me . " I was at a party at my friend Brian 's house . I was really uncomfortable because I didn 't really know anyone there and I knew that Brian 's friends were really into drugs . I wound up just watching movies and drinking mixed drinks until I fell asleep in a chair . The next morning , I was getting a glass of water and getting ready to leave when one of Brian 's friends approached me . He asked me if Brian and I ' hooked up ' because he had heard so much noise coming from his bedroom . I said no and he continued to tease me about it . He was being creepy and insulting so I just left . Later that morning , I found out that Brian had overdosed and died during the night . His friend had heard Brian moaning and thrashing around and thought that he was having sex . " Her and a couple friends were driving up one of the canyon roads one night when an unmarked police car flagged her down from behind with his lights , so , she pulled over to the side of the road . Officer came up to the window , told my mom to step out of the car and then noticed her friends . I assume he thought she was alone . When she went to open the door , he stopped her , nervously changed his tone and asked my mom where they were going . My mom gave a throwaway answer and is now starting to get creeped out by this guy . After looking at the girls in the car for a second , he spots beer . All were underage . But instead of ticketing them , he tells my mom to give him the case of beer , then told her there are creepy people and devil worshippers who live in the canyon and to head back to the city . So , my mom and her friends gave this guy the beer and went back into the city . He was six years old and a very cute little boy . He was outside in our front yard , playing with his toy cars . We lived in a nice neighborhood , on a loop , that was far away from traffic or the highway . He was playing when suddenly a dark blue car came down the road . There were two passengers . The driver was a blonde , almost albino - looking man , slender , and young . His passenger was a young Hispanic man . They noticed my brother , and the blonde guy rolled down the window and said ' Hey ! ' My brother looked up from what he was doing . Our neighbor , an elderly woman , assumed it was a friend of our next - door - neighbor 's teenage son and went inside her house . The car flipped a U , and the passenger got out of the car and immediately started RUNNING towards my brother . My brother acted on instinct and ran inside our house . Luckily , the door was unlocked and my mother ran outside when she saw my brother crying . The car was already down the street , racing to get away . I hate to think about what might have happened if our door hadn 't been unlocked , or my mother had not been there , or if my brother had not acted as quickly as he did . We reported the incident to the police , but they didn 't take it very seriously and took over an hour to even get to our house and take down my mother 's statement . We 've never seen the car in our town before , and my mom wasn 't able to get a license plate . " " When I was a little girl my brother and I shared a room ( we were 15 months apart ) and in our room we had a wood divider down the middle because we fought so much … anyways … I was maybe between 4 - 6 ( I can 't remember exact age ) and it was Easter time . Actually it was the Saturday night before Easter Sunday and I heard something in our room . I thought it was the Easter bunny . So I peeked out of my covers and I swear to this day it was the real Easter bunny . I saw a black vest with chains and a pocket watch hanging down and some glasses hanging out of the other top pocket . He walked over and I shot my head back under the covers . He sat down on my bed . I became very scared ( my older sisters had said the Easter bunny kills bad kids and kids who try to peek at him and I was definitely a little shit either way ) and pulled the covers taut and could feel him lean over me and get very close to my face . I peeked out again with one eye and I saw an eye staring back at me … then a pillow go over my head . I slowly turned my head to the side because I couldn 't breathe and didn 't know what was going on , but I got a breath and held it . In my little pea brain head I had a voice that just said hold it in like I 'm playing a game . . well I did . Then the Easter bunny got up off the bed … I could hear him and the chains on his vest rattle as he walked … then back through the window . I was so scared I didn 't know that to do , I just laid there under the covers with the sheet pulled taut and the pillow on top of my head and eventually fell asleep I guess … I honestly don 't remember if I tried to wake my parents or not … Years later I found out a sicko had been trying to hurt me to get back at my dad . He was a biker ( my dad was too ) , henceforth the black leather vest and chains and apparently that wasn 't the only time he broke into our house and that 's not the only time he tried to hurt me or talk to me . He used to call and talk to me all the time apparently … I don 't remember any of it but that one incident . " Flash forward and we find out one of my dad 's coworkers and a guy he brought home a few times ( and someone that gave my mom the creeps ) was convicted of murdering , cutting up , and putting the body of a young girl in trash bags and dumping her in a trash can a few miles from our house . It was on a side road in a ditch . She was the exact age of my sister and it happened in about a month 's time around when he was visiting . Everything was fine for a while , but they started to hear this weird chirping noise . She described it to me as a kookaburra call slowed down . They got kind of freaked out at this point because it didn 't sound like any regular animal . They also kept noticing rustling / movement out of the corners of their eyes but could never see what was making it . After a while they went to bed , and everything was fine until my friend was woken up in the middle of the night to see what looked like hands pressed up against the outside of her tent , and she heard a weird wet breathing sound ( like when someone has a stuffy throat and kind of wheezes while breathing ) . She said she was so scared she couldn 't talk , but was able to wake up her sister . They stayed quiet and eventually the hand prints kind of just faded away . " I had a girl stalk me my first semester of college . For the first few weeks she would stand outside my dorm and outside of my classroom buildings and follow me . She usually didn 't speak to me but when I moved dorms she appeared in the lobby of my dorm and yelled , ' How dare you move without telling me ! I had to find you again ! ' It all came to a head one day when she just showed up after my friend left to go to class and screamed ' How dare you go to Nashville with that whore ! ' Which was creepy because no one else knew where we went since we left at midnight on a whim . I finally went off on her . Found out she tried to kill herself in her dorm room by burning her wrists with a curling iron while screaming about how I and several other guys had ruined her life . " " One night , when I was about 18 , I stopped at the grocery store after work around 10pm . Fairly sleepy part of town , not super nice but I never had a problem walking around at night . A guy on the far side of the parking lot starts shouting ' hey ! ' I didn 't respond at first because I didn 't even think he was shouting at me . Finally , I look up and he 's looking right at me , still pretty far away . Guy is probably under 30 , looks a little " edgy " but not stereotypically sketchy . I quickly got in my car and closed the door . I fumbled with my keys and as I got them into the ignition I heard the thumping of feet right by my door . I look up in time to realize that he had RUN full speed across the parking lot towards my car . He didn 't stop until he literally slammed into the driver side door with all of his weight . His pupils were incredibly popped and he was straight up foaming at the mouth . Like , didn 't even notice the foamy spit and drool all over the corners of his mouth and face . I put the car on reverse and noped the fuck out of there while he continued to scream at me and try to grab my car . " " When we were younger , about age 16 in 2006 , my best friend and I were watching ' Troy ' at his sister 's apartment . The movie went well into the night so I called my mom and asked if I could stay the night . She said it was cool . My buddy Jose was a tough kinda guy , football player and popular . I was a football player too but really just known as Jose 's best friend . As we were getting ready for bed at about 2 : 30am we decide to call a ' Party chat Line ' " and make our voices like girls to mess with the creeper guys on it . We do our usual pranking being completely obnoxious by making girl moaning sounds . We are laughing our butts off as the guys would get pissed that they got tricked by 2 kids . Our laughing stopped when we met a guy who was by himself in the party room . He asked , ' Do you want to play a game ? ' sounding like Jigsaw from Saw we proceed to talk shit to him when he asks again . ' Do you want to play a game ? ' The very moment we agree he starts screaming ' HANG UP HANG UP HANG UP ! ! ! ! ' We had the phone on speaker so it being loud scared us into hanging up . We look at each other and laugh and talk about how weird that was when the phone began to ring . The number was restricted . I flipped open the phone and put it on speaker . ' Now we can play the game ! ' The man 's voice shot through the phone . My stomach had felt like someone jabbed me with a handful of needles , I was scared . How did he get my number ? it was a party line . Jose was a huge skeptic and starts to taunt the guy . Telling him he doesn 't scare us . The man then says ' Jose do you see that cat outside your window , because I do . ' We looked up and noticed a grey cat in his small backyard . Jose didn 't own any pets . We hung the phone up and ran to the living room . Sitting on the couch huddled up and shivering . The phone rings again , we left it in his room . The ringtone at the time was ( Justin Timberlake - My Love ) but because of the crappy download the audio file was louder than it should have been and came off distorted . ThTLDR : Buddy and I called a party line . Creeper guy somehow figured where we lived . Sent us photos from outside the house asking if we still wanted to play a game . " " My parents bought a house from a man quite a few years ago . He had some major issues , tried to commit suicide in the basement etc . After my parents bought the house , his ex - wife ran into my mom one day and asked if we had met ' Mable ' yet . She claimed Mable was the ghost that lived in the house and said she would sometimes wake - up at night to the feeling of someone stroking her hair of her cheek . Apparently Mable had burned to death … . Though we never actually looked into this . We didn 't really think much of it for a while , but come the winter months , weird things would start happing in the house . One morning my mom woke up to the stove being turned on , another morning she left to do some groceries and came home to half a cup of coffee sitting on the counter ( she hadn 't made coffee because she had gone to a friend 's house for coffee that morning ) and our dog who was mostly an inside dog was outside … . In - 40 degree weather . my sister and I were at school and my dad was at work . All the doors were locked when she came home so it couldn 't have been someone who snuck into the house . On another occasion I was in the garage grabbing fire wood and had to walk across the double garage to get to the wood pile . At the time we had a cow hanging in there before we were to have it cut and wrapped . As I 'm grabbing an armful of wood , the garage light switched off . The door was really heavy and squeaky so I would have known if someone had opened the door to shut off the light . The strangest thing that happened though , again happened in the winter months . My mom and I were in the kitchen preparing dinner . She was on the phone with a friend when we started smelling smoke . She got off the phone and we started searching the house to see where it was coming from . Turns out some papers in the bottom of a box in my bedroom closet were burning . We were the only ones home that day . " Family friend was a barber who lived in his shop . The way he told it he woke up one morning and was at the sink . Before he turned any lights on he said he saw a shadow , again no lights on . At that moment he felt a burn on his back . Flips the lights on to see what was there and there is a perfect handprint scarred into his back . He was your typical ginger , red hair , pale skin with freckles and this hand print is bright white on his right shoulder blade . " About 2 years ago I was selling weed . One of my regulars was a creepy ex - cop , and he bought the weed for his two sons ( All 3 of them looked like inbreds though ) . He would only buy like a 10 bag at a time , but he was also so persistent to take me and whatever friend I would bring ( I wouldn 't meet him alone ) to go get dinner somewhere every time . We usually went to a place across town and sat in the back of his creepy red van . He would spend more on the food then he would on the weed . And he would always pull out a large wad of cash . A couple months later his creepy son tried pulling a gun on me for some pills , but it didn 't work . ( He was outnumbered ) . So I stopped selling to them . Turns out , the ex - cop was keeping old people in their basement and collecting the Social Security checks they got monthly . That was going on during the period of me selling to them . " " A couple of years back , my family and I decided to take a nice stroll by the local lake . We arrived at this nice little house right next to shore when suddenly we heard a lot of splashing . We turned around to face the lake and we saw a man dressed in a full business suit walk out of the water with the creepiest poker face you can imaging . A lady nearby gasped and asked him if he needed an ambulance and he straight up blew her off and kept walking to god knows where . Never heard anything about that ever again ! " " My roommate sold his piece - of - shit Ford Taurus to a friend of a friend on a Friday . He left the plates on it so he could get the car registered , etc . The following Monday the assistant district attorney knocked on my door looking for my roommate because the ' friend of the friend ' was found murdered and stuffed in the trunk of said piece - of - shit Ford Taurus . "

Introduction : This is really out there and might offend . I had no idea where I was going with this , but i just let the story take me . Let me know what you think . " When I was twelve , I was taken . I was walking home from school , and all of a sudden a man pulled up beside me , asked me directions , and before I knew it , another man stuck something in my neck and everything went black . When I awoke , I was in a dark room with only a small hint of a light coming from the wall behind me . I tried to get up , but I was tied to a table . All my clothes were gone . " " Are you ok miss ? " The judge looked at me . Tears were streaming down my face . " Can you go on , or do you need a break ? " " I looked around as best I could , and all I could make out was a small room with a single cot on the wall , the table I was tied to , and what looked like a toilet with a shower head over it . I was cold . I remember being very cold . " " Hours past . I had no clue how long I had been out , how much time had passed , but finally , the door opened and two figures walked into the room . They both had ski masks on . The stood on either side of me forever without saying a thing . - - You are locked in here and can 't leave . You can scream all you want but no one will hear you . We are your mother , your father , your masters from now on , you understand ? Do you understand ? - I didn 't respond fast enough , and he snapped a leather belt across my stomach . - - You have to do what we tell you when we tell you , and I want those tears to go away . I don 't want to see you cry anymore . Accept your fate , and it might be bearable for you . - With that they left . I laid there and cried . I was hungry . I wanted to go home . I tried to sleep , but I couldn 't . Everytime I would get close , I would shiver and wake up from the shaking . Hours after they left , I peed on the table . My muscles cramped , my back ached . I would have done anything to get off the table . When they finally came in , the room stunk , and I was in pain . I was so tired that everything seemed otherworldly . - - God it stinks in here . Slave , why did you make a mess ? - He untied the rope , and I sat up immediately . I rubbed my wrists where the rope had been . I was so disoriented that I nearly fell off the table . - - Im going to let you get off the table and I want you to shower . When your done , if your good , I will bring you clothes and some food . You will be good won 't you ? - He opened the door , and from what I could see it looked like it was a basement . There were no windows . He came back in with a small pile of clothes and a towel with shampoo and soap . - - I will be back in twenty minutes . Be done . And clean this mess up . It stinks like hell in here . - He slammed the door . I looked around the room , and immediately went to the toilet and threw up . The reality of the situation hit me . I panicked . After a few minutes , I realized that I had to do what he said . I used toilet paper to clean my pee up , used some of the shampoo to clean it , and then I turned on the shower and washed . By the time he opened the door , I had the small gown and socks he brought in on and was sitting on the bed . - - Its better in here . You did good . Here is your food . Eat it , I will be back in five minutes . - I rushed to the table and ate the sandwich as fast as I could . I put my mouth under the sink that was right beside the toilet and felt the water that had not made it into the floor drain from my shower soak through my socks . He came back in the room . - - This is your room . You will not leave it . You will do what we say when we say , and you will be happy to have the simple freedoms we allow you to have . Is that understood ? - " Please sir . I just want to go home . " I was crying . He punched me in the face as hard as he could . I remember the rush of pain , and then nothing . When I came to , my arms were once again tied to the table , but I was bent over the table , still standing . He was behind me , his hand on my lower back and ass . My face was throbbing . I looked to the side and could tell he was jacking off . I was lost in the moment . In one movement , he put both hands on my hips and pushed against me . I felt his dick against my opening . In one thrust , he pushed his dick all the way inside me . I had never experienced pain like that in my life . I screamed . I cried . I begged him to stop . He fucked me hard and didn 't pay attention to my pleas . He spanked my ass . His thrusts got harder . My ass hurt from him slamming into me . My vagina went numb , but I could feel him inside me . He fucked and fucked . My crying stopped , and in its place a numbness overtook my body . Eventually I knew he was cumming , and soon after , he stopped . It was relief like you can not imagine . I could feel my heart beat between my legs and the pain was startling . I heard him walk out of the room . I heard mumbled voices . There was a pause , and then I understood . His hand grabbed my ass and I felt his thumb press against my asshole . Then he squirted something cold on my ass hole , and without pause , I felt the head of his dick against my ass . I screamed no , but there was no way it could have an affect . He pressed into me almost in one motion and the pain shot through my body . I screamed again , but no words came out . I felt myself ripping . His dick felt like a baseball bat being shoved into my ass . The pain was something that I cannot describe . I tried to fight him , but how could I ? He grabbed my hips and plowed into me . Eventually I passed out from the pain , but it was no were near fast enough . I woke up on the bed , naked . My crotch and ass were throbbing . I put my hand between my legs and took it out and saw the blood . I tried to stand and struggled , but found my way to the toilet were I sat down and peed , felt the pressure and took a bowel movement . I didn 't want to , but I looked in the toilet and saw the blood . Days past it seemed . The door opened only long enough for someone to come in and leave a sandwich . I ate it as fast as I could and then took my place back on the bed . I showered when I felt like it . Slept a lot . I cried little . He came back into the room after seven sandwiches and next to the new meal , he placed two pills . - - You will take these everyday . No questions . - Then he left . It must have been weeks before he said anything else . He started coming in twice in a day , bringing in more meals , pills only once a day . - - Here . I brought this in so you can have something to do . Hopefully your beginning to understand your situation . With compliance comes rewards . - He left . On the table were three books . I waited for a few minutes , and then I got up and looked at them . I read and read . Weeks past . I saw him little . He brought in more books and took what I left on the table . He left new clothes , and the next day he would take the old . Again , weeks seemed to pass . I read books two and three times . Finally , he came in and looked at me . He wasn 't wearing a mask . Under any other circumstances , I would have though him attractive , but now I wanted to kill him . I sat on the table . He came towards me and he unzipped his pants , unbuttoned them , and then dropped them to the floor . His dick seemed only half hard , but I realized then why I hurt so much the first time . He was huge . He pushed me back a little onto the table so my legs were off the ground , and lifting the nighty , he put his semi hard cock against my opening . He pushed in softly , and after making his way all the way inside me , he began moving in and out of me , growing harder as he did . I didn 't want to do it , but I knew I had no say in the matter . I didn 't want to like the feel of him , but after some time , I felt myself get wetter , and absent the pain , it actually felt good . He put his hand just above my opening and as he moved in and out of me , he rubbed me . He fucked me slow but with purpose , and for the first time , he ran his hands up my chest and onto my small breasts . He pinched my nipples . After a little while he stopped rubbing me , grabbed my legs and started fucking . The feeling of him inside me was overwhelming , but eventually I felt him tense , and then release inside me . Eventually he pulled out of me . - Keep being a good girl and you 'll see how nice we can be . - He left . Every day was much of the same . He would come in and fuck me , and then leave . Sometimes he would fuck me and then the other guy , but he always wore a mask . After what had to be a month , he rolled in a television and gave me a remote . I got use to the sex , and eventually , to my horror , I actually liked it a little . I kept up with the days by the television news and after a few months , he finally came in one morning , and told me things would be different . - - I want you to get on your knees in front of me . - I did just what he said , and then I understood . He unzipped his pants and pulled his dick out . He put it right against my lips . I took his soft dick into my mouth and sucked . It was difficult at first , but then I got a rhythm . Eventually he came . The other guy came in right after I finished . I sucked him too . Eventually I came to want to suck them because that didn 't mean I had to have them fuck me , but after months and then years past , it all seemed the same . It was like going to the bathroom . My period came with no one to explain what I was to do . I began to develop , but I never learned how to put on a bra . I would later learn that the pills were birth control and hormones that were meant to make me to grow faster and bigger . It worked . As the months past , I developed quickly . My chest grew much bigger than I remember my mothers . My hips widened and my ass grew , and though I didn 't want to have sex with them , I constantly felt the urge . The act always made me want to stop , but before and after , I always felt the need . They took me outside every once and a while . I watched tv mostly , read some , and when they came in bent over or did whatever they wanted . Years past . I had long ago accepted my fate . I would die in this little room . Years past . One day they both came in and brought a cake . They lit the candles , and told me today I was 18 years old . - - Tonight we are going to have a party . You will be the center of attention . If there are any problems , everything will be taken from you and you will feel the wrath of our anger . Do you understand ? - That night they came in and brought me special clothes . The top pushed my boobs up but didn 't cover my nipples . At the bottom of it , there were long strings that hooked to hose that they also gave me . There was no underwear . We left the room and went upstairs . And then it started . I fucked whoever wanted it . I had more dicks in my mouth and in my hands than can be imagined . Some men wanted my ass , something I had learned to accept . Others wanted my pussy or mouth . I took more cum than I ever had before . Towards the end of the night , a man put his face to my crotch . I was not just leaking cum , it was like a steady flow out of me , but that didn 't stop him . He sucked on my clit , and for the first time ever , I had an orgasm . Once I came , he came towards my face and I felt him enter me . He fucked me slowly at first . The others were passed out or drunk out of their minds . " Please help me . " I whispered into his ear . " They have held me here for years . I need to escape . " He continued to fuck me . He finally came . He took himself out of me and found his clothes . I thought he was simply leaving . I looked around the room for my master or someone else that needed to cum , but no one was there . He looked at me and extended his hand . I stood , naked and dripping cum out of my ass and pussy , took his hand and followed him to his car . He wrapped his coat around me , and once he went around to his driver 's side door , I took off running through the streets . I looked back but no one was following me , and through my screams and nakedness , eventually , a police car stopped and picked me up . I learned that my mother had committed suicide and my father had died in a car accident . I have no one your honor . I don 't have a place to go . I have the money my family left me , but what am I to do with it ? Eventually the state rested its case . The Jury took an hour to return the verdict . I went back to my hotel room and slept for the first time in a long time . Guilty . I was woken by a police officer telling me that one of the men had escaped and the other shot and killed on the way to the prison . Panic overcame me . I had the deputy take me to my parent old home , and once inside I went upstairs and locked the bedroom . I took the covers and went to the closet and fell asleep under the cover of the night . When I woke , a woman grabbed my arm and pulled me out of bed . She led me to the basement , where I saw before me my tormentor strapped to a table . " We have the ability to change him the way you want to , to make your memories go away . " " Who we are is not important . What we offer you is . You have been pained more than anyone should be in their entire life . This is a correction and a punishment . We never offer this , but do you want to remain in this body or do you want to change it ? We have a suggestion , but it would only serve as a punishment for him , not based upon what you want . " That was it . In a snap , I no longer had a vagina . I felt a huge dick grow from my crotch . In front of me lay my enemy , but as I looked at him , he began to change . When the transformation was complete , he or she I should say , was a buxom blond . Her body was ridiculous . Her chest was so big it pancaked out around her . Her breasts were enormous , but what I wanted at the time was to abuse him . There was nothing to my thought process about wanting her / him sexually . I looked down at my new body . I was muscular , bigger than I could ever imagine . My cock was well over a foot long , Obscene by any stretch , and so thick I couldn 't put my hand around it . I moved my gaze to her . She was crying , looking down at her body the way I was studying mine . Her chest was a match for my dick , but even more absurd . I didn 't see how she could stand , but I don 't think that was the point . She reached to touch her chest , and when she did she gasped . She tried to talk , but then she realized that she didn 't have any teeth . She kept trying to say what I think was " what , " but I didn 't care . I looked at the woman standing against the wall . I looked back at her on the table . She looked at me . I moved toward her and the anger built . I grabbed my dick and put it on her opening . The whole experience was otherworldly . I didn 't want to fuck her , I wanted to hurt her , and I didn 't have to wait long . I pushed into her and she screamed . I didn 't hold back or pause . I kept pushing . She tried to fight me , but I grabbed her hips so she couldn 't move . Her screams didn 't stop . I pushed all the way inside her and felt her clamping down on my cock . It was like she was grabbing it with her hand and squeezing . I pulled out of her and saw the blood on my dick . I knew I was tearing her open . I couldn 't imagine taking a dick like that , but that was the point . I slammed back into her and started fucking her . I fucked her so hard she grunted when I slammed into her . After a while it got easier . She loosened or started to get wet , because I was able to move in and out of her with ease . At one point I pulled all the way out of her and looked at her wide open . It was amazing . Her facial expressions had changed . She looked drugged . I grabbed her huge tits and lifted them . They were heavy , but soft . I released them and slammed my dick back into her . I watched her breasts at this point , rather than me entering her , and the image was mindblowing . Her chest swayed and jumped with every thrust . I slapped her chest as I fucked her . She didn 't make anymore sounds . She didn 't respond , so I slammed extra hard into her . It seemed to wake her from her numbness . She looked at me in the eyes . " You like that don 't you . Just laying there and being forced to take a fucking . How bout I do this for the next six years ? Bring in my friends and let them fuck you to ? " I saw a tear roll down her face . " How do you like to be on the receiving end ? " I slammed into her as hard as I could everytime now . " Say ? Slave , speak . " I punched her in her chest . That got a response . She seemed to come alive then . She tried to push me away , but she couldn 't reach and her chest prevented her from sitting up . She tried , but with the size of her chest and the pounding I was giving her , she failed . " You just won 't listen will you slave ? I guess you need to be punished . " I pulled out of her , and easily raised her legs and pushed them towards her face , causing her ass to raise and her breasts to move and almost cover her face . I looked down at her puckered asshole . She looked at me again , then down at herself as best she could , and her eyes got bigger . She started her " no " campaign once again , and that was all I needed to push me to do it . I put the head of my dick against her asshole and tried to push . It was like pushing against something solid . Her " no " s were replaced by screaming as first my head and then the length of my enormous cock pushed into her . I had no doubts that I was ripping her ass to pieces . My dick hurt because of the tightness , but I didn 't care if my dick fell off . I wanted her in pain . I pushed until I got all the way inside her and then I pulled all the way out . My dick was covered in blood . I slammed back into her ass and then withdrew it . I repeated it until she stopped screaming . When she did , I started fucking her ass like I fucked her pussy . I fucked hard and fast , paying extra attention to going all the way in and pounding against her body . Eventually I felt my dick tightening and even though I had never had a dick , I knew what was happening . I pulled out of her and walked around the table . I pushed her head down . She reached back and tried to push me away , but I grabbed her hands easily and with my other hand pushed her head over the side of the table . I looked over at the woman against the wall , still watching intently . " Don 't worry , she can 't move from that table and she can 't move her legs . " It looked like she was trying to roll to move , but she obviously couldn 't . It wasn 't the weight of her chest , it was whatever magic she had . I put my bloody dick against her lips and she tried her best to keep it closed . I pushed her head down more , but with my hands holding hers , it was hard . " Here , let me help you with that . " I thought she was going to come over and hold her arms , but with a quick snap of her fingers , I looked and her arms were gone . Her shoulders just curved down with nothing there . I grabbed her head again and squeezed her mouth . It opened a little , but she still resisted . I punched her chest . She screamed and started crying . I put my dick against her lips , but still nothing . Then I hit her in her chest three times , slapped her face as hard as I could . When I pushed my dick against her lips again , they opened . I put it in her mouth and forced it as far back as I could . I could feel her gag . I withdrew it and repeated , each time pushing against the back of her throat . I could tell she tried to bite down a little , but my size kept her mouth open . I watched as tears flowed down her face . Finally after about five minutes of making her gag , I started to cum . It was the most intense feeling of my life . My legs went numb , and I could tell from her expression that it was more than a little bit of cum that was flowing into her mouth and down her throat . When I finally pulled out of her mouth , I looked down and saw cum had run down both her cheeks and she had cum leaking out of her nose . She was crying . I looked down at her , " I don 't feel a bit sorry for you you fucking asshole . I hope she leaves you like this for the rest of your life . " I spit in her face . " He will be restored to a somewhat normal looking woman . Mostly so he can walk around . He , or should I say she , will be given a sex drive like no one has seen , put out on the street and become a slave to the carnal desires he doesn 't want to have . He will know what is going on at all times , but have no say in what his body is doing . He will not age , not die , but walk the streets for all eternity having sex he doesn 't want to have and being raped by whoever wants to . " " Well that is up to you . I can 't leave you with that penis , you would never be able to have sex without killing someone , and I plan on erasing your memory of everything so you don 't have to live with that pain . Just tell me what you want to look like and it will happen . " I woke up and walked to the bathroom . It was cold and the cold tile on my feet seemed to make my balls retract even further in my body . I looked at my face in the mirror . I had bags under my eyes and my head hurt . God , I couldn 't for the life of me think about what had happened last night . Read 38601 times | That didn 't turn me on one bit . That said ; This was such an awesome story I kept reading anyways . It kinda left me wondering though . We know what that douschebag was going to do for the rest of eternity , but what ever happened with the victim ? Anyways , keep up the good work . : )

Introduction : This is really out there and might offend . I had no idea where I was going with this , but i just let the story take me . Let me know what you think . " When I was twelve , I was taken . I was walking home from school , and all of a sudden a man pulled up beside me , asked me directions , and before I knew it , another man stuck something in my neck and everything went black . When I awoke , I was in a dark room with only a small hint of a light coming from the wall behind me . I tried to get up , but I was tied to a table . All my clothes were gone . " " Are you ok miss ? " The judge looked at me . Tears were streaming down my face . " Can you go on , or do you need a break ? " " I looked around as best I could , and all I could make out was a small room with a single cot on the wall , the table I was tied to , and what looked like a toilet with a shower head over it . I was cold . I remember being very cold . " " Hours past . I had no clue how long I had been out , how much time had passed , but finally , the door opened and two figures walked into the room . They both had ski masks on . The stood on either side of me forever without saying a thing . - - You are locked in here and can 't leave . You can scream all you want but no one will hear you . We are your mother , your father , your masters from now on , you understand ? Do you understand ? - I didn 't respond fast enough , and he snapped a leather belt across my stomach . - - You have to do what we tell you when we tell you , and I want those tears to go away . I don 't want to see you cry anymore . Accept your fate , and it might be bearable for you . - With that they left . I laid there and cried . I was hungry . I wanted to go home . I tried to sleep , but I couldn 't . Everytime I would get close , I would shiver and wake up from the shaking . Hours after they left , I peed on the table . My muscles cramped , my back ached . I would have done anything to get off the table . When they finally came in , the room stunk , and I was in pain . I was so tired that everything seemed otherworldly . - - God it stinks in here . Slave , why did you make a mess ? - He untied the rope , and I sat up immediately . I rubbed my wrists where the rope had been . I was so disoriented that I nearly fell off the table . - - Im going to let you get off the table and I want you to shower . When your done , if your good , I will bring you clothes and some food . You will be good won 't you ? - He opened the door , and from what I could see it looked like it was a basement . There were no windows . He came back in with a small pile of clothes and a towel with shampoo and soap . - - I will be back in twenty minutes . Be done . And clean this mess up . It stinks like hell in here . - He slammed the door . I looked around the room , and immediately went to the toilet and threw up . The reality of the situation hit me . I panicked . After a few minutes , I realized that I had to do what he said . I used toilet paper to clean my pee up , used some of the shampoo to clean it , and then I turned on the shower and washed . By the time he opened the door , I had the small gown and socks he brought in on and was sitting on the bed . - - Its better in here . You did good . Here is your food . Eat it , I will be back in five minutes . - I rushed to the table and ate the sandwich as fast as I could . I put my mouth under the sink that was right beside the toilet and felt the water that had not made it into the floor drain from my shower soak through my socks . He came back in the room . - - This is your room . You will not leave it . You will do what we say when we say , and you will be happy to have the simple freedoms we allow you to have . Is that understood ? - " Please sir . I just want to go home . " I was crying . He punched me in the face as hard as he could . I remember the rush of pain , and then nothing . When I came to , my arms were once again tied to the table , but I was bent over the table , still standing . He was behind me , his hand on my lower back and ass . My face was throbbing . I looked to the side and could tell he was jacking off . I was lost in the moment . In one movement , he put both hands on my hips and pushed against me . I felt his dick against my opening . In one thrust , he pushed his dick all the way inside me . I had never experienced pain like that in my life . I screamed . I cried . I begged him to stop . He fucked me hard and didn 't pay attention to my pleas . He spanked my ass . His thrusts got harder . My ass hurt from him slamming into me . My vagina went numb , but I could feel him inside me . He fucked and fucked . My crying stopped , and in its place a numbness overtook my body . Eventually I knew he was cumming , and soon after , he stopped . It was relief like you can not imagine . I could feel my heart beat between my legs and the pain was startling . I heard him walk out of the room . I heard mumbled voices . There was a pause , and then I understood . His hand grabbed my ass and I felt his thumb press against my asshole . Then he squirted something cold on my ass hole , and without pause , I felt the head of his dick against my ass . I screamed no , but there was no way it could have an affect . He pressed into me almost in one motion and the pain shot through my body . I screamed again , but no words came out . I felt myself ripping . His dick felt like a baseball bat being shoved into my ass . The pain was something that I cannot describe . I tried to fight him , but how could I ? He grabbed my hips and plowed into me . Eventually I passed out from the pain , but it was no were near fast enough . I woke up on the bed , naked . My crotch and ass were throbbing . I put my hand between my legs and took it out and saw the blood . I tried to stand and struggled , but found my way to the toilet were I sat down and peed , felt the pressure and took a bowel movement . I didn 't want to , but I looked in the toilet and saw the blood . Days past it seemed . The door opened only long enough for someone to come in and leave a sandwich . I ate it as fast as I could and then took my place back on the bed . I showered when I felt like it . Slept a lot . I cried little . He came back into the room after seven sandwiches and next to the new meal , he placed two pills . - - You will take these everyday . No questions . - Then he left . It must have been weeks before he said anything else . He started coming in twice in a day , bringing in more meals , pills only once a day . - - Here . I brought this in so you can have something to do . Hopefully your beginning to understand your situation . With compliance comes rewards . - He left . On the table were three books . I waited for a few minutes , and then I got up and looked at them . I read and read . Weeks past . I saw him little . He brought in more books and took what I left on the table . He left new clothes , and the next day he would take the old . Again , weeks seemed to pass . I read books two and three times . Finally , he came in and looked at me . He wasn 't wearing a mask . Under any other circumstances , I would have though him attractive , but now I wanted to kill him . I sat on the table . He came towards me and he unzipped his pants , unbuttoned them , and then dropped them to the floor . His dick seemed only half hard , but I realized then why I hurt so much the first time . He was huge . He pushed me back a little onto the table so my legs were off the ground , and lifting the nighty , he put his semi hard cock against my opening . He pushed in softly , and after making his way all the way inside me , he began moving in and out of me , growing harder as he did . I didn 't want to do it , but I knew I had no say in the matter . I didn 't want to like the feel of him , but after some time , I felt myself get wetter , and absent the pain , it actually felt good . He put his hand just above my opening and as he moved in and out of me , he rubbed me . He fucked me slow but with purpose , and for the first time , he ran his hands up my chest and onto my small breasts . He pinched my nipples . After a little while he stopped rubbing me , grabbed my legs and started fucking . The feeling of him inside me was overwhelming , but eventually I felt him tense , and then release inside me . Eventually he pulled out of me . - Keep being a good girl and you 'll see how nice we can be . - He left . Every day was much of the same . He would come in and fuck me , and then leave . Sometimes he would fuck me and then the other guy , but he always wore a mask . After what had to be a month , he rolled in a television and gave me a remote . I got use to the sex , and eventually , to my horror , I actually liked it a little . I kept up with the days by the television news and after a few months , he finally came in one morning , and told me things would be different . - - I want you to get on your knees in front of me . - I did just what he said , and then I understood . He unzipped his pants and pulled his dick out . He put it right against my lips . I took his soft dick into my mouth and sucked . It was difficult at first , but then I got a rhythm . Eventually he came . The other guy came in right after I finished . I sucked him too . Eventually I came to want to suck them because that didn 't mean I had to have them fuck me , but after months and then years past , it all seemed the same . It was like going to the bathroom . My period came with no one to explain what I was to do . I began to develop , but I never learned how to put on a bra . I would later learn that the pills were birth control and hormones that were meant to make me to grow faster and bigger . It worked . As the months past , I developed quickly . My chest grew much bigger than I remember my mothers . My hips widened and my ass grew , and though I didn 't want to have sex with them , I constantly felt the urge . The act always made me want to stop , but before and after , I always felt the need . They took me outside every once and a while . I watched tv mostly , read some , and when they came in bent over or did whatever they wanted . Years past . I had long ago accepted my fate . I would die in this little room . Years past . One day they both came in and brought a cake . They lit the candles , and told me today I was 18 years old . - - Tonight we are going to have a party . You will be the center of attention . If there are any problems , everything will be taken from you and you will feel the wrath of our anger . Do you understand ? - That night they came in and brought me special clothes . The top pushed my boobs up but didn 't cover my nipples . At the bottom of it , there were long strings that hooked to hose that they also gave me . There was no underwear . We left the room and went upstairs . And then it started . I fucked whoever wanted it . I had more dicks in my mouth and in my hands than can be imagined . Some men wanted my ass , something I had learned to accept . Others wanted my pussy or mouth . I took more cum than I ever had before . Towards the end of the night , a man put his face to my crotch . I was not just leaking cum , it was like a steady flow out of me , but that didn 't stop him . He sucked on my clit , and for the first time ever , I had an orgasm . Once I came , he came towards my face and I felt him enter me . He fucked me slowly at first . The others were passed out or drunk out of their minds . " Please help me . " I whispered into his ear . " They have held me here for years . I need to escape . " He continued to fuck me . He finally came . He took himself out of me and found his clothes . I thought he was simply leaving . I looked around the room for my master or someone else that needed to cum , but no one was there . He looked at me and extended his hand . I stood , naked and dripping cum out of my ass and pussy , took his hand and followed him to his car . He wrapped his coat around me , and once he went around to his driver 's side door , I took off running through the streets . I looked back but no one was following me , and through my screams and nakedness , eventually , a police car stopped and picked me up . I learned that my mother had committed suicide and my father had died in a car accident . I have no one your honor . I don 't have a place to go . I have the money my family left me , but what am I to do with it ? Eventually the state rested its case . The Jury took an hour to return the verdict . I went back to my hotel room and slept for the first time in a long time . Guilty . I was woken by a police officer telling me that one of the men had escaped and the other shot and killed on the way to the prison . Panic overcame me . I had the deputy take me to my parent old home , and once inside I went upstairs and locked the bedroom . I took the covers and went to the closet and fell asleep under the cover of the night . When I woke , a woman grabbed my arm and pulled me out of bed . She led me to the basement , where I saw before me my tormentor strapped to a table . " We have the ability to change him the way you want to , to make your memories go away . " " Who we are is not important . What we offer you is . You have been pained more than anyone should be in their entire life . This is a correction and a punishment . We never offer this , but do you want to remain in this body or do you want to change it ? We have a suggestion , but it would only serve as a punishment for him , not based upon what you want . " That was it . In a snap , I no longer had a vagina . I felt a huge dick grow from my crotch . In front of me lay my enemy , but as I looked at him , he began to change . When the transformation was complete , he or she I should say , was a buxom blond . Her body was ridiculous . Her chest was so big it pancaked out around her . Her breasts were enormous , but what I wanted at the time was to abuse him . There was nothing to my thought process about wanting her / him sexually . I looked down at my new body . I was muscular , bigger than I could ever imagine . My cock was well over a foot long , Obscene by any stretch , and so thick I couldn 't put my hand around it . I moved my gaze to her . She was crying , looking down at her body the way I was studying mine . Her chest was a match for my dick , but even more absurd . I didn 't see how she could stand , but I don 't think that was the point . She reached to touch her chest , and when she did she gasped . She tried to talk , but then she realized that she didn 't have any teeth . She kept trying to say what I think was " what , " but I didn 't care . I looked at the woman standing against the wall . I looked back at her on the table . She looked at me . I moved toward her and the anger built . I grabbed my dick and put it on her opening . The whole experience was otherworldly . I didn 't want to fuck her , I wanted to hurt her , and I didn 't have to wait long . I pushed into her and she screamed . I didn 't hold back or pause . I kept pushing . She tried to fight me , but I grabbed her hips so she couldn 't move . Her screams didn 't stop . I pushed all the way inside her and felt her clamping down on my cock . It was like she was grabbing it with her hand and squeezing . I pulled out of her and saw the blood on my dick . I knew I was tearing her open . I couldn 't imagine taking a dick like that , but that was the point . I slammed back into her and started fucking her . I fucked her so hard she grunted when I slammed into her . After a while it got easier . She loosened or started to get wet , because I was able to move in and out of her with ease . At one point I pulled all the way out of her and looked at her wide open . It was amazing . Her facial expressions had changed . She looked drugged . I grabbed her huge tits and lifted them . They were heavy , but soft . I released them and slammed my dick back into her . I watched her breasts at this point , rather than me entering her , and the image was mindblowing . Her chest swayed and jumped with every thrust . I slapped her chest as I fucked her . She didn 't make anymore sounds . She didn 't respond , so I slammed extra hard into her . It seemed to wake her from her numbness . She looked at me in the eyes . " You like that don 't you . Just laying there and being forced to take a fucking . How bout I do this for the next six years ? Bring in my friends and let them fuck you to ? " I saw a tear roll down her face . " How do you like to be on the receiving end ? " I slammed into her as hard as I could everytime now . " Say ? Slave , speak . " I punched her in her chest . That got a response . She seemed to come alive then . She tried to push me away , but she couldn 't reach and her chest prevented her from sitting up . She tried , but with the size of her chest and the pounding I was giving her , she failed . " You just won 't listen will you slave ? I guess you need to be punished . " I pulled out of her , and easily raised her legs and pushed them towards her face , causing her ass to raise and her breasts to move and almost cover her face . I looked down at her puckered asshole . She looked at me again , then down at herself as best she could , and her eyes got bigger . She started her " no " campaign once again , and that was all I needed to push me to do it . I put the head of my dick against her asshole and tried to push . It was like pushing against something solid . Her " no " s were replaced by screaming as first my head and then the length of my enormous cock pushed into her . I had no doubts that I was ripping her ass to pieces . My dick hurt because of the tightness , but I didn 't care if my dick fell off . I wanted her in pain . I pushed until I got all the way inside her and then I pulled all the way out . My dick was covered in blood . I slammed back into her ass and then withdrew it . I repeated it until she stopped screaming . When she did , I started fucking her ass like I fucked her pussy . I fucked hard and fast , paying extra attention to going all the way in and pounding against her body . Eventually I felt my dick tightening and even though I had never had a dick , I knew what was happening . I pulled out of her and walked around the table . I pushed her head down . She reached back and tried to push me away , but I grabbed her hands easily and with my other hand pushed her head over the side of the table . I looked over at the woman against the wall , still watching intently . " Don 't worry , she can 't move from that table and she can 't move her legs . " It looked like she was trying to roll to move , but she obviously couldn 't . It wasn 't the weight of her chest , it was whatever magic she had . I put my bloody dick against her lips and she tried her best to keep it closed . I pushed her head down more , but with my hands holding hers , it was hard . " Here , let me help you with that . " I thought she was going to come over and hold her arms , but with a quick snap of her fingers , I looked and her arms were gone . Her shoulders just curved down with nothing there . I grabbed her head again and squeezed her mouth . It opened a little , but she still resisted . I punched her chest . She screamed and started crying . I put my dick against her lips , but still nothing . Then I hit her in her chest three times , slapped her face as hard as I could . When I pushed my dick against her lips again , they opened . I put it in her mouth and forced it as far back as I could . I could feel her gag . I withdrew it and repeated , each time pushing against the back of her throat . I could tell she tried to bite down a little , but my size kept her mouth open . I watched as tears flowed down her face . Finally after about five minutes of making her gag , I started to cum . It was the most intense feeling of my life . My legs went numb , and I could tell from her expression that it was more than a little bit of cum that was flowing into her mouth and down her throat . When I finally pulled out of her mouth , I looked down and saw cum had run down both her cheeks and she had cum leaking out of her nose . She was crying . I looked down at her , " I don 't feel a bit sorry for you you fucking asshole . I hope she leaves you like this for the rest of your life . " I spit in her face . " He will be restored to a somewhat normal looking woman . Mostly so he can walk around . He , or should I say she , will be given a sex drive like no one has seen , put out on the street and become a slave to the carnal desires he doesn 't want to have . He will know what is going on at all times , but have no say in what his body is doing . He will not age , not die , but walk the streets for all eternity having sex he doesn 't want to have and being raped by whoever wants to . " " Well that is up to you . I can 't leave you with that penis , you would never be able to have sex without killing someone , and I plan on erasing your memory of everything so you don 't have to live with that pain . Just tell me what you want to look like and it will happen . " I woke up and walked to the bathroom . It was cold and the cold tile on my feet seemed to make my balls retract even further in my body . I looked at my face in the mirror . I had bags under my eyes and my head hurt . God , I couldn 't for the life of me think about what had happened last night . Read 38568 times | That didn 't turn me on one bit . That said ; This was such an awesome story I kept reading anyways . It kinda left me wondering though . We know what that douschebag was going to do for the rest of eternity , but what ever happened with the victim ? Anyways , keep up the good work . : )

Introduction : This is really out there and might offend . I had no idea where I was going with this , but i just let the story take me . Let me know what you think . " When I was twelve , I was taken . I was walking home from school , and all of a sudden a man pulled up beside me , asked me directions , and before I knew it , another man stuck something in my neck and everything went black . When I awoke , I was in a dark room with only a small hint of a light coming from the wall behind me . I tried to get up , but I was tied to a table . All my clothes were gone . " " Are you ok miss ? " The judge looked at me . Tears were streaming down my face . " Can you go on , or do you need a break ? " " I looked around as best I could , and all I could make out was a small room with a single cot on the wall , the table I was tied to , and what looked like a toilet with a shower head over it . I was cold . I remember being very cold . " " Hours past . I had no clue how long I had been out , how much time had passed , but finally , the door opened and two figures walked into the room . They both had ski masks on . The stood on either side of me forever without saying a thing . - - You are locked in here and can 't leave . You can scream all you want but no one will hear you . We are your mother , your father , your masters from now on , you understand ? Do you understand ? - I didn 't respond fast enough , and he snapped a leather belt across my stomach . - - You have to do what we tell you when we tell you , and I want those tears to go away . I don 't want to see you cry anymore . Accept your fate , and it might be bearable for you . - With that they left . I laid there and cried . I was hungry . I wanted to go home . I tried to sleep , but I couldn 't . Everytime I would get close , I would shiver and wake up from the shaking . Hours after they left , I peed on the table . My muscles cramped , my back ached . I would have done anything to get off the table . When they finally came in , the room stunk , and I was in pain . I was so tired that everything seemed otherworldly . - - God it stinks in here . Slave , why did you make a mess ? - He untied the rope , and I sat up immediately . I rubbed my wrists where the rope had been . I was so disoriented that I nearly fell off the table . - - Im going to let you get off the table and I want you to shower . When your done , if your good , I will bring you clothes and some food . You will be good won 't you ? - He opened the door , and from what I could see it looked like it was a basement . There were no windows . He came back in with a small pile of clothes and a towel with shampoo and soap . - - I will be back in twenty minutes . Be done . And clean this mess up . It stinks like hell in here . - He slammed the door . I looked around the room , and immediately went to the toilet and threw up . The reality of the situation hit me . I panicked . After a few minutes , I realized that I had to do what he said . I used toilet paper to clean my pee up , used some of the shampoo to clean it , and then I turned on the shower and washed . By the time he opened the door , I had the small gown and socks he brought in on and was sitting on the bed . - - Its better in here . You did good . Here is your food . Eat it , I will be back in five minutes . - I rushed to the table and ate the sandwich as fast as I could . I put my mouth under the sink that was right beside the toilet and felt the water that had not made it into the floor drain from my shower soak through my socks . He came back in the room . - - This is your room . You will not leave it . You will do what we say when we say , and you will be happy to have the simple freedoms we allow you to have . Is that understood ? - " Please sir . I just want to go home . " I was crying . He punched me in the face as hard as he could . I remember the rush of pain , and then nothing . When I came to , my arms were once again tied to the table , but I was bent over the table , still standing . He was behind me , his hand on my lower back and ass . My face was throbbing . I looked to the side and could tell he was jacking off . I was lost in the moment . In one movement , he put both hands on my hips and pushed against me . I felt his dick against my opening . In one thrust , he pushed his dick all the way inside me . I had never experienced pain like that in my life . I screamed . I cried . I begged him to stop . He fucked me hard and didn 't pay attention to my pleas . He spanked my ass . His thrusts got harder . My ass hurt from him slamming into me . My vagina went numb , but I could feel him inside me . He fucked and fucked . My crying stopped , and in its place a numbness overtook my body . Eventually I knew he was cumming , and soon after , he stopped . It was relief like you can not imagine . I could feel my heart beat between my legs and the pain was startling . I heard him walk out of the room . I heard mumbled voices . There was a pause , and then I understood . His hand grabbed my ass and I felt his thumb press against my asshole . Then he squirted something cold on my ass hole , and without pause , I felt the head of his dick against my ass . I screamed no , but there was no way it could have an affect . He pressed into me almost in one motion and the pain shot through my body . I screamed again , but no words came out . I felt myself ripping . His dick felt like a baseball bat being shoved into my ass . The pain was something that I cannot describe . I tried to fight him , but how could I ? He grabbed my hips and plowed into me . Eventually I passed out from the pain , but it was no were near fast enough . I woke up on the bed , naked . My crotch and ass were throbbing . I put my hand between my legs and took it out and saw the blood . I tried to stand and struggled , but found my way to the toilet were I sat down and peed , felt the pressure and took a bowel movement . I didn 't want to , but I looked in the toilet and saw the blood . Days past it seemed . The door opened only long enough for someone to come in and leave a sandwich . I ate it as fast as I could and then took my place back on the bed . I showered when I felt like it . Slept a lot . I cried little . He came back into the room after seven sandwiches and next to the new meal , he placed two pills . - - You will take these everyday . No questions . - Then he left . It must have been weeks before he said anything else . He started coming in twice in a day , bringing in more meals , pills only once a day . - - Here . I brought this in so you can have something to do . Hopefully your beginning to understand your situation . With compliance comes rewards . - He left . On the table were three books . I waited for a few minutes , and then I got up and looked at them . I read and read . Weeks past . I saw him little . He brought in more books and took what I left on the table . He left new clothes , and the next day he would take the old . Again , weeks seemed to pass . I read books two and three times . Finally , he came in and looked at me . He wasn 't wearing a mask . Under any other circumstances , I would have though him attractive , but now I wanted to kill him . I sat on the table . He came towards me and he unzipped his pants , unbuttoned them , and then dropped them to the floor . His dick seemed only half hard , but I realized then why I hurt so much the first time . He was huge . He pushed me back a little onto the table so my legs were off the ground , and lifting the nighty , he put his semi hard cock against my opening . He pushed in softly , and after making his way all the way inside me , he began moving in and out of me , growing harder as he did . I didn 't want to do it , but I knew I had no say in the matter . I didn 't want to like the feel of him , but after some time , I felt myself get wetter , and absent the pain , it actually felt good . He put his hand just above my opening and as he moved in and out of me , he rubbed me . He fucked me slow but with purpose , and for the first time , he ran his hands up my chest and onto my small breasts . He pinched my nipples . After a little while he stopped rubbing me , grabbed my legs and started fucking . The feeling of him inside me was overwhelming , but eventually I felt him tense , and then release inside me . Eventually he pulled out of me . - Keep being a good girl and you 'll see how nice we can be . - He left . Every day was much of the same . He would come in and fuck me , and then leave . Sometimes he would fuck me and then the other guy , but he always wore a mask . After what had to be a month , he rolled in a television and gave me a remote . I got use to the sex , and eventually , to my horror , I actually liked it a little . I kept up with the days by the television news and after a few months , he finally came in one morning , and told me things would be different . - - I want you to get on your knees in front of me . - I did just what he said , and then I understood . He unzipped his pants and pulled his dick out . He put it right against my lips . I took his soft dick into my mouth and sucked . It was difficult at first , but then I got a rhythm . Eventually he came . The other guy came in right after I finished . I sucked him too . Eventually I came to want to suck them because that didn 't mean I had to have them fuck me , but after months and then years past , it all seemed the same . It was like going to the bathroom . My period came with no one to explain what I was to do . I began to develop , but I never learned how to put on a bra . I would later learn that the pills were birth control and hormones that were meant to make me to grow faster and bigger . It worked . As the months past , I developed quickly . My chest grew much bigger than I remember my mothers . My hips widened and my ass grew , and though I didn 't want to have sex with them , I constantly felt the urge . The act always made me want to stop , but before and after , I always felt the need . They took me outside every once and a while . I watched tv mostly , read some , and when they came in bent over or did whatever they wanted . Years past . I had long ago accepted my fate . I would die in this little room . Years past . One day they both came in and brought a cake . They lit the candles , and told me today I was 18 years old . - - Tonight we are going to have a party . You will be the center of attention . If there are any problems , everything will be taken from you and you will feel the wrath of our anger . Do you understand ? - That night they came in and brought me special clothes . The top pushed my boobs up but didn 't cover my nipples . At the bottom of it , there were long strings that hooked to hose that they also gave me . There was no underwear . We left the room and went upstairs . And then it started . I fucked whoever wanted it . I had more dicks in my mouth and in my hands than can be imagined . Some men wanted my ass , something I had learned to accept . Others wanted my pussy or mouth . I took more cum than I ever had before . Towards the end of the night , a man put his face to my crotch . I was not just leaking cum , it was like a steady flow out of me , but that didn 't stop him . He sucked on my clit , and for the first time ever , I had an orgasm . Once I came , he came towards my face and I felt him enter me . He fucked me slowly at first . The others were passed out or drunk out of their minds . " Please help me . " I whispered into his ear . " They have held me here for years . I need to escape . " He continued to fuck me . He finally came . He took himself out of me and found his clothes . I thought he was simply leaving . I looked around the room for my master or someone else that needed to cum , but no one was there . He looked at me and extended his hand . I stood , naked and dripping cum out of my ass and pussy , took his hand and followed him to his car . He wrapped his coat around me , and once he went around to his driver 's side door , I took off running through the streets . I looked back but no one was following me , and through my screams and nakedness , eventually , a police car stopped and picked me up . I learned that my mother had committed suicide and my father had died in a car accident . I have no one your honor . I don 't have a place to go . I have the money my family left me , but what am I to do with it ? Eventually the state rested its case . The Jury took an hour to return the verdict . I went back to my hotel room and slept for the first time in a long time . Guilty . I was woken by a police officer telling me that one of the men had escaped and the other shot and killed on the way to the prison . Panic overcame me . I had the deputy take me to my parent old home , and once inside I went upstairs and locked the bedroom . I took the covers and went to the closet and fell asleep under the cover of the night . When I woke , a woman grabbed my arm and pulled me out of bed . She led me to the basement , where I saw before me my tormentor strapped to a table . " We have the ability to change him the way you want to , to make your memories go away . " " Who we are is not important . What we offer you is . You have been pained more than anyone should be in their entire life . This is a correction and a punishment . We never offer this , but do you want to remain in this body or do you want to change it ? We have a suggestion , but it would only serve as a punishment for him , not based upon what you want . " That was it . In a snap , I no longer had a vagina . I felt a huge dick grow from my crotch . In front of me lay my enemy , but as I looked at him , he began to change . When the transformation was complete , he or she I should say , was a buxom blond . Her body was ridiculous . Her chest was so big it pancaked out around her . Her breasts were enormous , but what I wanted at the time was to abuse him . There was nothing to my thought process about wanting her / him sexually . I looked down at my new body . I was muscular , bigger than I could ever imagine . My cock was well over a foot long , Obscene by any stretch , and so thick I couldn 't put my hand around it . I moved my gaze to her . She was crying , looking down at her body the way I was studying mine . Her chest was a match for my dick , but even more absurd . I didn 't see how she could stand , but I don 't think that was the point . She reached to touch her chest , and when she did she gasped . She tried to talk , but then she realized that she didn 't have any teeth . She kept trying to say what I think was " what , " but I didn 't care . I looked at the woman standing against the wall . I looked back at her on the table . She looked at me . I moved toward her and the anger built . I grabbed my dick and put it on her opening . The whole experience was otherworldly . I didn 't want to fuck her , I wanted to hurt her , and I didn 't have to wait long . I pushed into her and she screamed . I didn 't hold back or pause . I kept pushing . She tried to fight me , but I grabbed her hips so she couldn 't move . Her screams didn 't stop . I pushed all the way inside her and felt her clamping down on my cock . It was like she was grabbing it with her hand and squeezing . I pulled out of her and saw the blood on my dick . I knew I was tearing her open . I couldn 't imagine taking a dick like that , but that was the point . I slammed back into her and started fucking her . I fucked her so hard she grunted when I slammed into her . After a while it got easier . She loosened or started to get wet , because I was able to move in and out of her with ease . At one point I pulled all the way out of her and looked at her wide open . It was amazing . Her facial expressions had changed . She looked drugged . I grabbed her huge tits and lifted them . They were heavy , but soft . I released them and slammed my dick back into her . I watched her breasts at this point , rather than me entering her , and the image was mindblowing . Her chest swayed and jumped with every thrust . I slapped her chest as I fucked her . She didn 't make anymore sounds . She didn 't respond , so I slammed extra hard into her . It seemed to wake her from her numbness . She looked at me in the eyes . " You like that don 't you . Just laying there and being forced to take a fucking . How bout I do this for the next six years ? Bring in my friends and let them fuck you to ? " I saw a tear roll down her face . " How do you like to be on the receiving end ? " I slammed into her as hard as I could everytime now . " Say ? Slave , speak . " I punched her in her chest . That got a response . She seemed to come alive then . She tried to push me away , but she couldn 't reach and her chest prevented her from sitting up . She tried , but with the size of her chest and the pounding I was giving her , she failed . " You just won 't listen will you slave ? I guess you need to be punished . " I pulled out of her , and easily raised her legs and pushed them towards her face , causing her ass to raise and her breasts to move and almost cover her face . I looked down at her puckered asshole . She looked at me again , then down at herself as best she could , and her eyes got bigger . She started her " no " campaign once again , and that was all I needed to push me to do it . I put the head of my dick against her asshole and tried to push . It was like pushing against something solid . Her " no " s were replaced by screaming as first my head and then the length of my enormous cock pushed into her . I had no doubts that I was ripping her ass to pieces . My dick hurt because of the tightness , but I didn 't care if my dick fell off . I wanted her in pain . I pushed until I got all the way inside her and then I pulled all the way out . My dick was covered in blood . I slammed back into her ass and then withdrew it . I repeated it until she stopped screaming . When she did , I started fucking her ass like I fucked her pussy . I fucked hard and fast , paying extra attention to going all the way in and pounding against her body . Eventually I felt my dick tightening and even though I had never had a dick , I knew what was happening . I pulled out of her and walked around the table . I pushed her head down . She reached back and tried to push me away , but I grabbed her hands easily and with my other hand pushed her head over the side of the table . I looked over at the woman against the wall , still watching intently . " Don 't worry , she can 't move from that table and she can 't move her legs . " It looked like she was trying to roll to move , but she obviously couldn 't . It wasn 't the weight of her chest , it was whatever magic she had . I put my bloody dick against her lips and she tried her best to keep it closed . I pushed her head down more , but with my hands holding hers , it was hard . " Here , let me help you with that . " I thought she was going to come over and hold her arms , but with a quick snap of her fingers , I looked and her arms were gone . Her shoulders just curved down with nothing there . I grabbed her head again and squeezed her mouth . It opened a little , but she still resisted . I punched her chest . She screamed and started crying . I put my dick against her lips , but still nothing . Then I hit her in her chest three times , slapped her face as hard as I could . When I pushed my dick against her lips again , they opened . I put it in her mouth and forced it as far back as I could . I could feel her gag . I withdrew it and repeated , each time pushing against the back of her throat . I could tell she tried to bite down a little , but my size kept her mouth open . I watched as tears flowed down her face . Finally after about five minutes of making her gag , I started to cum . It was the most intense feeling of my life . My legs went numb , and I could tell from her expression that it was more than a little bit of cum that was flowing into her mouth and down her throat . When I finally pulled out of her mouth , I looked down and saw cum had run down both her cheeks and she had cum leaking out of her nose . She was crying . I looked down at her , " I don 't feel a bit sorry for you you fucking asshole . I hope she leaves you like this for the rest of your life . " I spit in her face . " He will be restored to a somewhat normal looking woman . Mostly so he can walk around . He , or should I say she , will be given a sex drive like no one has seen , put out on the street and become a slave to the carnal desires he doesn 't want to have . He will know what is going on at all times , but have no say in what his body is doing . He will not age , not die , but walk the streets for all eternity having sex he doesn 't want to have and being raped by whoever wants to . " " Well that is up to you . I can 't leave you with that penis , you would never be able to have sex without killing someone , and I plan on erasing your memory of everything so you don 't have to live with that pain . Just tell me what you want to look like and it will happen . " I woke up and walked to the bathroom . It was cold and the cold tile on my feet seemed to make my balls retract even further in my body . I looked at my face in the mirror . I had bags under my eyes and my head hurt . God , I couldn 't for the life of me think about what had happened last night . Read 38652 times | That didn 't turn me on one bit . That said ; This was such an awesome story I kept reading anyways . It kinda left me wondering though . We know what that douschebag was going to do for the rest of eternity , but what ever happened with the victim ? Anyways , keep up the good work . : )

Introduction : This is really out there and might offend . I had no idea where I was going with this , but i just let the story take me . Let me know what you think . " When I was twelve , I was taken . I was walking home from school , and all of a sudden a man pulled up beside me , asked me directions , and before I knew it , another man stuck something in my neck and everything went black . When I awoke , I was in a dark room with only a small hint of a light coming from the wall behind me . I tried to get up , but I was tied to a table . All my clothes were gone . " " Are you ok miss ? " The judge looked at me . Tears were streaming down my face . " Can you go on , or do you need a break ? " " I looked around as best I could , and all I could make out was a small room with a single cot on the wall , the table I was tied to , and what looked like a toilet with a shower head over it . I was cold . I remember being very cold . " " Hours past . I had no clue how long I had been out , how much time had passed , but finally , the door opened and two figures walked into the room . They both had ski masks on . The stood on either side of me forever without saying a thing . - - You are locked in here and can 't leave . You can scream all you want but no one will hear you . We are your mother , your father , your masters from now on , you understand ? Do you understand ? - I didn 't respond fast enough , and he snapped a leather belt across my stomach . - - You have to do what we tell you when we tell you , and I want those tears to go away . I don 't want to see you cry anymore . Accept your fate , and it might be bearable for you . - With that they left . I laid there and cried . I was hungry . I wanted to go home . I tried to sleep , but I couldn 't . Everytime I would get close , I would shiver and wake up from the shaking . Hours after they left , I peed on the table . My muscles cramped , my back ached . I would have done anything to get off the table . When they finally came in , the room stunk , and I was in pain . I was so tired that everything seemed otherworldly . - - God it stinks in here . Slave , why did you make a mess ? - He untied the rope , and I sat up immediately . I rubbed my wrists where the rope had been . I was so disoriented that I nearly fell off the table . - - Im going to let you get off the table and I want you to shower . When your done , if your good , I will bring you clothes and some food . You will be good won 't you ? - He opened the door , and from what I could see it looked like it was a basement . There were no windows . He came back in with a small pile of clothes and a towel with shampoo and soap . - - I will be back in twenty minutes . Be done . And clean this mess up . It stinks like hell in here . - He slammed the door . I looked around the room , and immediately went to the toilet and threw up . The reality of the situation hit me . I panicked . After a few minutes , I realized that I had to do what he said . I used toilet paper to clean my pee up , used some of the shampoo to clean it , and then I turned on the shower and washed . By the time he opened the door , I had the small gown and socks he brought in on and was sitting on the bed . - - Its better in here . You did good . Here is your food . Eat it , I will be back in five minutes . - I rushed to the table and ate the sandwich as fast as I could . I put my mouth under the sink that was right beside the toilet and felt the water that had not made it into the floor drain from my shower soak through my socks . He came back in the room . - - This is your room . You will not leave it . You will do what we say when we say , and you will be happy to have the simple freedoms we allow you to have . Is that understood ? - " Please sir . I just want to go home . " I was crying . He punched me in the face as hard as he could . I remember the rush of pain , and then nothing . When I came to , my arms were once again tied to the table , but I was bent over the table , still standing . He was behind me , his hand on my lower back and ass . My face was throbbing . I looked to the side and could tell he was jacking off . I was lost in the moment . In one movement , he put both hands on my hips and pushed against me . I felt his dick against my opening . In one thrust , he pushed his dick all the way inside me . I had never experienced pain like that in my life . I screamed . I cried . I begged him to stop . He fucked me hard and didn 't pay attention to my pleas . He spanked my ass . His thrusts got harder . My ass hurt from him slamming into me . My vagina went numb , but I could feel him inside me . He fucked and fucked . My crying stopped , and in its place a numbness overtook my body . Eventually I knew he was cumming , and soon after , he stopped . It was relief like you can not imagine . I could feel my heart beat between my legs and the pain was startling . I heard him walk out of the room . I heard mumbled voices . There was a pause , and then I understood . His hand grabbed my ass and I felt his thumb press against my asshole . Then he squirted something cold on my ass hole , and without pause , I felt the head of his dick against my ass . I screamed no , but there was no way it could have an affect . He pressed into me almost in one motion and the pain shot through my body . I screamed again , but no words came out . I felt myself ripping . His dick felt like a baseball bat being shoved into my ass . The pain was something that I cannot describe . I tried to fight him , but how could I ? He grabbed my hips and plowed into me . Eventually I passed out from the pain , but it was no were near fast enough . I woke up on the bed , naked . My crotch and ass were throbbing . I put my hand between my legs and took it out and saw the blood . I tried to stand and struggled , but found my way to the toilet were I sat down and peed , felt the pressure and took a bowel movement . I didn 't want to , but I looked in the toilet and saw the blood . Days past it seemed . The door opened only long enough for someone to come in and leave a sandwich . I ate it as fast as I could and then took my place back on the bed . I showered when I felt like it . Slept a lot . I cried little . He came back into the room after seven sandwiches and next to the new meal , he placed two pills . - - You will take these everyday . No questions . - Then he left . It must have been weeks before he said anything else . He started coming in twice in a day , bringing in more meals , pills only once a day . - - Here . I brought this in so you can have something to do . Hopefully your beginning to understand your situation . With compliance comes rewards . - He left . On the table were three books . I waited for a few minutes , and then I got up and looked at them . I read and read . Weeks past . I saw him little . He brought in more books and took what I left on the table . He left new clothes , and the next day he would take the old . Again , weeks seemed to pass . I read books two and three times . Finally , he came in and looked at me . He wasn 't wearing a mask . Under any other circumstances , I would have though him attractive , but now I wanted to kill him . I sat on the table . He came towards me and he unzipped his pants , unbuttoned them , and then dropped them to the floor . His dick seemed only half hard , but I realized then why I hurt so much the first time . He was huge . He pushed me back a little onto the table so my legs were off the ground , and lifting the nighty , he put his semi hard cock against my opening . He pushed in softly , and after making his way all the way inside me , he began moving in and out of me , growing harder as he did . I didn 't want to do it , but I knew I had no say in the matter . I didn 't want to like the feel of him , but after some time , I felt myself get wetter , and absent the pain , it actually felt good . He put his hand just above my opening and as he moved in and out of me , he rubbed me . He fucked me slow but with purpose , and for the first time , he ran his hands up my chest and onto my small breasts . He pinched my nipples . After a little while he stopped rubbing me , grabbed my legs and started fucking . The feeling of him inside me was overwhelming , but eventually I felt him tense , and then release inside me . Eventually he pulled out of me . - Keep being a good girl and you 'll see how nice we can be . - He left . Every day was much of the same . He would come in and fuck me , and then leave . Sometimes he would fuck me and then the other guy , but he always wore a mask . After what had to be a month , he rolled in a television and gave me a remote . I got use to the sex , and eventually , to my horror , I actually liked it a little . I kept up with the days by the television news and after a few months , he finally came in one morning , and told me things would be different . - - I want you to get on your knees in front of me . - I did just what he said , and then I understood . He unzipped his pants and pulled his dick out . He put it right against my lips . I took his soft dick into my mouth and sucked . It was difficult at first , but then I got a rhythm . Eventually he came . The other guy came in right after I finished . I sucked him too . Eventually I came to want to suck them because that didn 't mean I had to have them fuck me , but after months and then years past , it all seemed the same . It was like going to the bathroom . My period came with no one to explain what I was to do . I began to develop , but I never learned how to put on a bra . I would later learn that the pills were birth control and hormones that were meant to make me to grow faster and bigger . It worked . As the months past , I developed quickly . My chest grew much bigger than I remember my mothers . My hips widened and my ass grew , and though I didn 't want to have sex with them , I constantly felt the urge . The act always made me want to stop , but before and after , I always felt the need . They took me outside every once and a while . I watched tv mostly , read some , and when they came in bent over or did whatever they wanted . Years past . I had long ago accepted my fate . I would die in this little room . Years past . One day they both came in and brought a cake . They lit the candles , and told me today I was 18 years old . - - Tonight we are going to have a party . You will be the center of attention . If there are any problems , everything will be taken from you and you will feel the wrath of our anger . Do you understand ? - That night they came in and brought me special clothes . The top pushed my boobs up but didn 't cover my nipples . At the bottom of it , there were long strings that hooked to hose that they also gave me . There was no underwear . We left the room and went upstairs . And then it started . I fucked whoever wanted it . I had more dicks in my mouth and in my hands than can be imagined . Some men wanted my ass , something I had learned to accept . Others wanted my pussy or mouth . I took more cum than I ever had before . Towards the end of the night , a man put his face to my crotch . I was not just leaking cum , it was like a steady flow out of me , but that didn 't stop him . He sucked on my clit , and for the first time ever , I had an orgasm . Once I came , he came towards my face and I felt him enter me . He fucked me slowly at first . The others were passed out or drunk out of their minds . " Please help me . " I whispered into his ear . " They have held me here for years . I need to escape . " He continued to fuck me . He finally came . He took himself out of me and found his clothes . I thought he was simply leaving . I looked around the room for my master or someone else that needed to cum , but no one was there . He looked at me and extended his hand . I stood , naked and dripping cum out of my ass and pussy , took his hand and followed him to his car . He wrapped his coat around me , and once he went around to his driver 's side door , I took off running through the streets . I looked back but no one was following me , and through my screams and nakedness , eventually , a police car stopped and picked me up . I learned that my mother had committed suicide and my father had died in a car accident . I have no one your honor . I don 't have a place to go . I have the money my family left me , but what am I to do with it ? Eventually the state rested its case . The Jury took an hour to return the verdict . I went back to my hotel room and slept for the first time in a long time . Guilty . I was woken by a police officer telling me that one of the men had escaped and the other shot and killed on the way to the prison . Panic overcame me . I had the deputy take me to my parent old home , and once inside I went upstairs and locked the bedroom . I took the covers and went to the closet and fell asleep under the cover of the night . When I woke , a woman grabbed my arm and pulled me out of bed . She led me to the basement , where I saw before me my tormentor strapped to a table . " We have the ability to change him the way you want to , to make your memories go away . " " Who we are is not important . What we offer you is . You have been pained more than anyone should be in their entire life . This is a correction and a punishment . We never offer this , but do you want to remain in this body or do you want to change it ? We have a suggestion , but it would only serve as a punishment for him , not based upon what you want . " That was it . In a snap , I no longer had a vagina . I felt a huge dick grow from my crotch . In front of me lay my enemy , but as I looked at him , he began to change . When the transformation was complete , he or she I should say , was a buxom blond . Her body was ridiculous . Her chest was so big it pancaked out around her . Her breasts were enormous , but what I wanted at the time was to abuse him . There was nothing to my thought process about wanting her / him sexually . I looked down at my new body . I was muscular , bigger than I could ever imagine . My cock was well over a foot long , Obscene by any stretch , and so thick I couldn 't put my hand around it . I moved my gaze to her . She was crying , looking down at her body the way I was studying mine . Her chest was a match for my dick , but even more absurd . I didn 't see how she could stand , but I don 't think that was the point . She reached to touch her chest , and when she did she gasped . She tried to talk , but then she realized that she didn 't have any teeth . She kept trying to say what I think was " what , " but I didn 't care . I looked at the woman standing against the wall . I looked back at her on the table . She looked at me . I moved toward her and the anger built . I grabbed my dick and put it on her opening . The whole experience was otherworldly . I didn 't want to fuck her , I wanted to hurt her , and I didn 't have to wait long . I pushed into her and she screamed . I didn 't hold back or pause . I kept pushing . She tried to fight me , but I grabbed her hips so she couldn 't move . Her screams didn 't stop . I pushed all the way inside her and felt her clamping down on my cock . It was like she was grabbing it with her hand and squeezing . I pulled out of her and saw the blood on my dick . I knew I was tearing her open . I couldn 't imagine taking a dick like that , but that was the point . I slammed back into her and started fucking her . I fucked her so hard she grunted when I slammed into her . After a while it got easier . She loosened or started to get wet , because I was able to move in and out of her with ease . At one point I pulled all the way out of her and looked at her wide open . It was amazing . Her facial expressions had changed . She looked drugged . I grabbed her huge tits and lifted them . They were heavy , but soft . I released them and slammed my dick back into her . I watched her breasts at this point , rather than me entering her , and the image was mindblowing . Her chest swayed and jumped with every thrust . I slapped her chest as I fucked her . She didn 't make anymore sounds . She didn 't respond , so I slammed extra hard into her . It seemed to wake her from her numbness . She looked at me in the eyes . " You like that don 't you . Just laying there and being forced to take a fucking . How bout I do this for the next six years ? Bring in my friends and let them fuck you to ? " I saw a tear roll down her face . " How do you like to be on the receiving end ? " I slammed into her as hard as I could everytime now . " Say ? Slave , speak . " I punched her in her chest . That got a response . She seemed to come alive then . She tried to push me away , but she couldn 't reach and her chest prevented her from sitting up . She tried , but with the size of her chest and the pounding I was giving her , she failed . " You just won 't listen will you slave ? I guess you need to be punished . " I pulled out of her , and easily raised her legs and pushed them towards her face , causing her ass to raise and her breasts to move and almost cover her face . I looked down at her puckered asshole . She looked at me again , then down at herself as best she could , and her eyes got bigger . She started her " no " campaign once again , and that was all I needed to push me to do it . I put the head of my dick against her asshole and tried to push . It was like pushing against something solid . Her " no " s were replaced by screaming as first my head and then the length of my enormous cock pushed into her . I had no doubts that I was ripping her ass to pieces . My dick hurt because of the tightness , but I didn 't care if my dick fell off . I wanted her in pain . I pushed until I got all the way inside her and then I pulled all the way out . My dick was covered in blood . I slammed back into her ass and then withdrew it . I repeated it until she stopped screaming . When she did , I started fucking her ass like I fucked her pussy . I fucked hard and fast , paying extra attention to going all the way in and pounding against her body . Eventually I felt my dick tightening and even though I had never had a dick , I knew what was happening . I pulled out of her and walked around the table . I pushed her head down . She reached back and tried to push me away , but I grabbed her hands easily and with my other hand pushed her head over the side of the table . I looked over at the woman against the wall , still watching intently . " Don 't worry , she can 't move from that table and she can 't move her legs . " It looked like she was trying to roll to move , but she obviously couldn 't . It wasn 't the weight of her chest , it was whatever magic she had . I put my bloody dick against her lips and she tried her best to keep it closed . I pushed her head down more , but with my hands holding hers , it was hard . " Here , let me help you with that . " I thought she was going to come over and hold her arms , but with a quick snap of her fingers , I looked and her arms were gone . Her shoulders just curved down with nothing there . I grabbed her head again and squeezed her mouth . It opened a little , but she still resisted . I punched her chest . She screamed and started crying . I put my dick against her lips , but still nothing . Then I hit her in her chest three times , slapped her face as hard as I could . When I pushed my dick against her lips again , they opened . I put it in her mouth and forced it as far back as I could . I could feel her gag . I withdrew it and repeated , each time pushing against the back of her throat . I could tell she tried to bite down a little , but my size kept her mouth open . I watched as tears flowed down her face . Finally after about five minutes of making her gag , I started to cum . It was the most intense feeling of my life . My legs went numb , and I could tell from her expression that it was more than a little bit of cum that was flowing into her mouth and down her throat . When I finally pulled out of her mouth , I looked down and saw cum had run down both her cheeks and she had cum leaking out of her nose . She was crying . I looked down at her , " I don 't feel a bit sorry for you you fucking asshole . I hope she leaves you like this for the rest of your life . " I spit in her face . " He will be restored to a somewhat normal looking woman . Mostly so he can walk around . He , or should I say she , will be given a sex drive like no one has seen , put out on the street and become a slave to the carnal desires he doesn 't want to have . He will know what is going on at all times , but have no say in what his body is doing . He will not age , not die , but walk the streets for all eternity having sex he doesn 't want to have and being raped by whoever wants to . " " Well that is up to you . I can 't leave you with that penis , you would never be able to have sex without killing someone , and I plan on erasing your memory of everything so you don 't have to live with that pain . Just tell me what you want to look like and it will happen . " I woke up and walked to the bathroom . It was cold and the cold tile on my feet seemed to make my balls retract even further in my body . I looked at my face in the mirror . I had bags under my eyes and my head hurt . God , I couldn 't for the life of me think about what had happened last night . Read 38583 times | That didn 't turn me on one bit . That said ; This was such an awesome story I kept reading anyways . It kinda left me wondering though . We know what that douschebag was going to do for the rest of eternity , but what ever happened with the victim ? Anyways , keep up the good work . : )

Friday , they day after I work at Logos when I have several days ahead of me with nothing to do . Unless I have a show to review , of course . Let me rethink this . . . . . A jellyfish . Beautiful , graceful , and brainless , yet deadly . Sounds good to me ! If I were a piece of furniture , I 'd be : My desk , of course . I 'm already one with it half the time anyway . If I were a gemstone , I 'd be : An opal . I had a beautiful one once . . . how nice to be something that is so chameleon - like . Purple rose , only because those seem to be the only flowers that have a real scent any more . If I were a kind of weather , I 'd be : Grey , foggy , with a light rain in the afternoon . Bliss . Welcome to Saturday : 9 . What we 've committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday . Sometimes the post will have a theme , and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated . Those weeks we do " random questions , " so - to - speak . We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment . Because we don 't have any rules , it is your choice . We hate rules . We love memes , however , and here is today 's meme ! I always sang in the school choir in both grammar and high school . We used to sing for Mass every Sunday in grammar school , since the church was next door to the school . We climbed up to the tiny choir loft high above the church . A highlight of the high school choir was that we sang for a TV documentary about a local home for unwed mothers . They couldn 't show the real mothers on the air so we all donned maternity smocks and sang . Never dreamed I would later spend the better part of 10 years in maternity clothes ! After high school , I was in the Newman Hall choir at UC Berkeley and eventually started singing with local church choirs . When David was a nursing baby , I wore a poncho to Mass and nursed him under it while singing . Nobody ever knew . Each time we moved I joined a new choir and each choir was less and less challenging . I finally gave up out of boredom when we moved here to Davis . I had sung Mozart masses and what we were given to sing here could have been done by any grammar school class . Yeah , I was that shallow . " It 's all juice and crackers " 8 ) 2008 is also the year Paul Newman died of cancer . Name a Newman movie . Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid , The Verdict , The Sting , The Hustler , Exodus , etc . When I got together with my old grammar school friends recently , we reminisced about various classes and teachers . We tried to remember what it was like when we started school for the first time . My starting kindergarten was a bit different from the others because I started late . My friend , Stephen , who lived in our neighborhood , was born in September , so he made the cut off age , but my February birthday required that I could not start until the next year . But I remember that first day of kindergarten , if not anything else about the year . I remember that school was already in session when my mother delivered me to Sister Mary St . Patrice , who complimented me on my log curls , said goodbye to my mother and shut the door . I remember there was a big playhouse just inside the door , but nothing else . I can 't remember a single other thing about that kindergarten year ! By the time this picture was taken , they were all nicely settled into the school routine , but I remember some first days were not that happy . Paul never did adjust to nursery school and cried all the time he was there , but Tom couldn 't wait to go , so the teacher and I decided to take Paul out and put Tom in . That gave Paul more Mom and Me time at home ( David was a baby ) and Tom loved nursery school . It was less successful when Tom started kindergarten and had lots of separation anxiety . He cried so pitifully when I left him that the crossing guard told me he 'd watch out for him and when I walked up to pick him up , he would report how long Tom had cried after I left . By the end of the first week it was no longer a problem . We always lived close to the schools our kids attended and they could walk or ride their bikes , but I still can 't believe what we let Jeri do for a year when she was in first grade . We had switched her from the nearby public school to the Catholic school . It was several blocks up Park Blvd from our house in Oakland and we actually put her on a public bus each morning and let her ride up to school . The bus driver watched out for her and she was there in just a short time , but today we would probably be arrested for child endangerment . We 'd be arrested even for letting our kids walk the 3 blocks from our house to grammar school unsupervised here in Davis . How times have changed . after the news of Dave 's death and Jeri 's beautiful " eulogy " for her truck , which she had for 19 years , but which did not survive the Winter of ' 16 and being buried under snow for 3 months . She had driven it across the country 6 times and through 31 different states and Canada . She will miss it sorely . But Sandy was finally back from her travels and it was good to see her again . Her 8 year old granddaughter was with her and the two of them had dusted all the bookshelves today , since business was so slow . But they were off for frozen yogurt , so didn 't stay to chat . Never saw so much about cheese before in my life . I also checked the sci fi shelves and for the first time in the 3 years I 've been volunteering at Logos , I actually found a book by my friend David . Nobody ever has donated a David Gerrold book before . I have this one at home , but decided to read at it today anyway . It reads like a lot of his " soliloquies " on life and religion on Facebook . It was fairly quiet , but still a number of customers during my four - hour stint . Two Asian women poured over the self improvement shelves . One bought Mitch Albom 's " One More Day " and the other a book by Rick Warren . A woman who could have been a clone of my friend Ellen came in . She was too thin , but the hair and carriage were identical . Very weird . She didn 't buy anything , though . A friendly Mexican man with a green shirt with a tiny Mexican flag on it bought a book by Eckhart Tolle , which he said was for those with no spirituality . As he was leaving , he returned with another Tolle book . We give free bookmarks to those who want them and he decided to take Logos bookmarks in every color . Several people brought in donations today , including one woman with a box of books who had brought in other books before , including three she had not meant to donate . She searched the store to see if they were there so she could buy them back . She didn 't find what she was looking for , but did find " 100 Uses for a Dead Cat , " another of her donations . I told her to just take it . A lovely woman who said she was a librarian , who had never been in Logos before was charmed by both the store and its policy of raising money for Doctors without Borders and Save the Children . She was very friendly ( and smelled nice too - - like some lotion or soap ) and I liked her . She bought 3 childen 's books from the " old book " section and a book on physical fitness . I asked where she was librarian and she gave me the name of the center , one of the more vocal and virulent anti - gay churches in town . Oops . But she was otherwise a lovely person . So my day ended and it was home again in the heat , which had dropped a bit from 100 degrees with the setting of the sun . I 'm hoping this is the last gasp of summer . As I find I am doing more and more often these days , I went to sleep early and put off writing this until morning . Dave and his family have been our friends since all the kids were in school together . There are a lot of Fisks , and a lot of Sykeses and they did a lot together . Brother Chad was in theatrical productions with our kids . Dave was always included in everything that the other kids did . One of my fondest memories of Dave was when the high school was performing Our Town . Paul had the role of the Stage Manager , who narrates the action on stage . The show had just started and Paul was standing at the edge of the stage , setting the scene for the audience , when Dave came in , late . The Veteran 's Memorial Theater is fairly large , for a community theater , somewhat under 400 seats , and Dave , who was quite large , came lumbering down the stairs . He got to the bottom of the stairs and walked across to the other side of the theater , raising his hand and saying " Hi , Paul ! " as he passed him . It got a chuckle from the audience , almost all of whom certainly knew Dave as a familiar figure around town . When brother Chad was getting married , the wedding was on the stage of the theater and Chad decided he wanted Dave to get one of those minister - for - a - day licenses so that he could perform the ceremony . Paul went over and over and over with Dave what he was supposed to say , what would be going on on the stage . Dave was so proud to be the guy in charge . Paul stood by him to help him get through it all , and at the end of the ceremony , an exuberant Dave turned to Chad and his new bride and said " You may kiss the groom ! " I haven 't seen Dave in several years now and was saddened to read that he was seriously ill and in the hospital . Walt and Ned went to visit him on Sunday , on their way back from Lake Tahoe before meeting me at the theater where I was reviewing a show . I 'm glad they had a chance to say goodbye . her wonderful blog entry about their safari adventures . Definitely worth your time ( also check out her other entries about this trip they are on . She 's not only a wonderful writer , but a great photographer as well . ) The show focuses on the relationship between two brothers , one passionate about jazz and the other a classically trained pianist . One in prison , one trying to free him . One Muslim , one Christian . Lots of layers to this show , but I thought often , especially as Bilal , the jazz guy , was scatting with brother Eric and talking about his jazz passions how much my father would have enjoyed the play , at least the music part of it . My father had many passions and he was so passionate about things that he wanted to share them all with you . But , as my mother was fond of saying , he felt that if a little of something was good , a lot of it was better . It was the thing that prevented him from being a great cook . . . very heavy handed on the seasonings . If a tsp of chili was good , a tablespoon would be better . With music , he was so filled with jazz that he wanted to share it with Karen and me - - and anybody else who would listen . He inundated us with instructions we couldn 't understand about piano chords that he particularly loved and how to make them . He would show me a major cord , a minor chord and to this day I don 't know what an augmented chord is , but he would practically swoon , trying to get me to learn it . He 'd play jazz records he particularly liked , but never talked about why . Just expected us to love them the way he did . I often think about how he could have shared his love of jazz with me in a way that I developed an appreciation for it . Instead , today I not only understand nothing about jazz , but I have an almost irrational revulsion of anything having to do with jazz . ( However , I must have learned something from him because I seem to be the only critic who has mentioned the brothers in the show doing scat duets . ) Music was just one of many things that we could not share , though we each loved our own kind of music . When rock ' n ' roll came along , he went on long diatribes about how it was the worst music ever written ( second only to Gilbert and Sullivan , which he loathed ) and how it would die a quick death . He was so adamant about how terrible rock ' n ' roll was that to keep peace , I never became a fan of rock either , until Lawsuit came along many years later ( how he proud he would have been of the kids if he had ever seen them perform , but he died before the band really got going ) . When we went to a production of Hair the other night , we walked into the theater and rock music was playing over the loudspeaker to set the mood . My fellow critic turned to me and laughed " Did you ever think that you would be in a place like this and hear the Jefferson Airplane playing [ name of music ] ? " I didn 't tell him that not only had I never heard of the music he mentioned , but I only knew the name " Jefferson Airplane " but couldn 't pick them out of a crowd of famous bands to save my soul . Occasionally some rock star will show up on the Today Show , one of those stars with gender neutral names like Stevie Nicks , a name I 've heard for many years . I still remember being amazed a few years ago at finding out she was a girl . I couldn 't tell you any song that she is famous for ( though if I heard one , I might recognize it ) , so I always assumed that with a name like Stevie it was a man . The only reason I can sometimes identify the Talking Heads by sound is because of how important they were to Paul and Ned and because David Byrne has a very distinctive voice . I don 't listen to much music any more since I discovered audio books Somehow , though I have an iPod filled with music , I have lost the desire to listen to it , most of the time . Maybe too many sad memories that go along with the most special recordings . Or maybe too many good books I am hungry to finish . But - - - there is good news today ! I called my mother to remind her to take her meds . She answered the phone ( yay ! ) , sounded bright and chipper ( yay ! ) , and when she went to see if she had taken her pills or not she had ! We take these small triumphs where we can ! There have been times throughout my life , for one reason or another , when I have felt that way , and today I realized that one of my big problems is that I am living every day wondering if my mother is alive or dead . Is that overly dramatic ? Probably . But that 's how I feel . After leaving her in such a bad state yesterday , I worried about her all the rest of the day and woke up worried about her . I had told her I would call to remind her to take her meds . I decided I 'd wait until after lunch , since sometimes she sleeps late . I started calling at 1 and got no answer , but if she went to lunch , it was possible she just wasn 't back yet . Between 1 and 2 : 15 , I called her 5 times and there was never an answer . I didn 't want to call Atria to check on her , so I drove over there , certain I would find her dead . The fact that there was no newspaper in her mail slot was a good sign that she had at least gotten up that morning . I knocked and she answered the door . I asked why she hadn 't answered her phone and she said it had not rung . I told her I had called her five times . Then I noticed that her phone was not on the charger , where it should be and I looked around and couldn 't find it . I decided to call it to see if it would ring . The phone in her bedroom rang , which she heard because she was standing near the door to the bedroom , but I could not hear it in the living room . After a search , which she didn 't understand why I was undertaking , I finally found the kitchen phone , under a stack of newspapers at her elbow . It was dead . Once I put it in the charger , it rang as soon as I called it . But when the phone rang , she held up the two remotes to the TV and told me that those hadn 't rung . I had to explain that those were for the TV and were not telephones . She said she felt fine ( though had NOT taken her meds ) and she couldn 't understand why I was so worried . I made her take her pills , then stayed for awhile , but not the whole hour because we were expecting our new refrigerator to be delivered . As I went out to the car , I felt better knowing why she had not answered the phone and that she was alive , but it hit me that with everything I do almost every single day these days there is this cloud over my head wondering if my mother was going to die today or if she would live to " hunnert . " Not a fun way to live . We sat down to talk and I reminded her , as I have every day for the past two weeks , that we are going to San Rafael tomorrow to have lunch with her friends . She looked surprised , then got huffy and said " I never agreed to that ! " Then she said that she felt " terrible " and just didn 't feel like going " but you go and have fun . " I reminded her that this was a lunch for her birthday and if she couldn 't make it her friends would undoubtedly cancel it . Based on her reaction today and how she was last time we met them for lunch , I 've decided we just won 't do that any more . The first few times we went to these lunches were wonderful and such a tonic for her , but not really any more . She enjoys the lunch , once we get there and she realizes that she knows the women we are meeting , but the anguish of getting ready to go when she doesn 't recognize the names of any of the people we are going to see , and the nervousness of leaving Atria , and the hour long questions on the drive down about who is going to be there and who decided we were going to meet and why were we going to meet , over and over again are exhausting for me , but worse for her because she really is afraid she is going to get lost , going to have to talk to people she doesn 't know and isn 't comfortable being away from her familiar surroundings . She is also nervous when looking at a menu because it 's impossible to decide what to eat and she usually whispers to me to choose for her . ( Things are better on the ride home because I have a playlist of music from the 40s and 50s that I have downloaded from iTunes which has all of her favorites and she sings along with every song all the way home - - proving that even people who can 't remember anything else can still recall song lyrics ! ) I tried to identify why she wasn 't feeling well and she doesn 't know . It 's not pain , it 's just . . . something . I asked if she had breakfast that morning and she said no . I pointed out that she hasn 't had her pills all week and hasn 't had anything to eat today and maybe that was the reason why she was feeling so bad . But that requires too much cause - and - effect processing to sink in . She once again explained her not taking her pills by reminding me that she has never been a " pill taker . " Whenever her back hurts and she moans about it and says her back is " killing her " and I ask her if she has taken a pain pill she says " No - - I 'm not a pill taker . " In truth I don 't know how much , if any , relief Aleve ( which her doctor suggested she take ) would give her but we 'll never know because she 's not a pill taker , even if it might relieve her pain . We left it with that I will either call her or come over every day , now , to remind her to take her pills and I will wait on the phone until she has taken them . We 'll see how long that lasts . ( I will also remind her to go to lunch . ) But she sat there in her chair , looking like a limp dishrag , with dark circles under her eyes , staring out the window , sighing and telling me she was old . When I mentioned she would be 97 in 2 + weeks , she seemed surprised that she was so old . Then she 'd tell me she doesn 't know why she doesn 't take her pills because she sees them every day . That is always followed by the inevitable " stupid , stupid , stupid ! " indictment she is fond of giving herself . I tried to remind her that it 's not because she is stupid but because her brain doesn 't work right any more , but that , too , is more than she can process now . It wasn 't a " visit " today . It was two people sitting in pretty much total silence for an hour until I decided it was time to leave . She didn 't even tell me how pretty the leaves on the trees outside are today . That was definitely unusual . My very first " real " job is still my favorite - - secretary to 3 Physics professors at UC Berkeley . I 'm still friendly with one of my bosses . I left that job in 1966 Would you change your hair color to something outrageous if you would get paid to ? Depends on how much . Makes no difference to me , and if someone wants to pay me big bucks , sure . It will grow out again . Laurel posted a photo of Bri on Facebook today that brought back a flood of memories . Here is an excerpt from my journal entry from August 1974 , on a trip to Yosemite , in the days before Funny the World . ( Paul would have been 5 ) : The drive up was rather uneventful . We drove without stopping until we were well into downtown Sacramento ( 20 miles ) , where we made our first stop at McDonald 's for the usual stuff , which we washed down with Kool Aid . The kids went to sleep and probably slept in shifts for most of the trip . It was after 6 when we got to the park and we had no trouble finding a campsite at Porcupine Flat . It was really a very nice place . We had a log , which made a very comfortable niche for sitting , a stump which was just the right height for cooking , a slightly warped and slanting , but nonetheless useful picnic table , and a flat , relatively unrocky space for a tent . We ended up staying there for the whole four days , in spite of the bears . . . but more about them later . The road to Devil 's Post Pile is under construction , so we were stopped for a long while ( during which we fixed and ate lunch ) , but eventually we bumped our way down the rutted dirt road until we got to the place . It 's rather disheartening to follow 8 miles of twisted , rocky , dirt road and get to the bottom to find a traffic jam ! We had a hard time finding a parking place in the very large parking lot . You walk 0 . 4 miles to the post pile and once again there we managed to draw attention to ourselves . First of all , you can take a trail to the top of the pile , which Walt and the kids did , while I stationed myself down below with the camera so I could photograph my children perched precariously atop these columns which appear in danger of falling at any moment . Then they came down again and we were the only people there . The mountain of falling posts is such an invitation for climbing that we couldn 't resist letting the kids scamper about on the rocks - - even David ( though Walt followed him up the slopes after Tom got caught half - way up and had to be carried down ) . While the kids were engaged in the delights of climbing , investigating the passing frogs , etc . , all of those people in the parking lot began to wander by - - including a pack of Boy Scouts . All of a sudden , when a sufficient crowd had gathered , Paul , who was right at the very top , began to scream and scream and scream . You could have heard him all the way back to Yosemite . We were sure he was at least ready to fall down the mountain , and the whole pack of Scouts , on orders shouted by their leader ( a chubby , grey crew - cut gentleman in a Scout uniform ) -- " Men , help that child ! " - - started climbing rapidly over the rocks to save him . Walt left David to race up and save him . People were gasping and clutching each other . I had the good grace NOT to take his picture . And for several tense minutes , the world listened to the hysterical screams of this five year old trapped on top of the mountain . Walt reached him first and the cries abruptly stopped . His problem ? An ant was crawling over him ! ! What do you say when a 50 year old Scout leader looks at you accusingly and asks , " that your kid , lady ? " Everything after that was rather anticlimactic . We made it back to the car with no other disasters occurring and except for one stop at a Safeway , we went straight back to camp . The Safeway , by the way , was another experience . How often do you stand in a check out line and hear one checker shout to another , " Hey , Charlie , how much are the worms ? " Walt drove me down to work and helped me bring in 2 boxes and 1 bag of books that Char had sent home with me for Logos . I guess Sandy is still vacationing , and Peter beat a hasty retreat as soon as I got there . A woman who had followed me into the store had already selected a book and was ready to pay for it even before I got settled . Our artist in residence this month brought in a replacement painting . One had been sold so she took it down and replaced it with a new one she had just taken from a show at the Pence Gallery next door . It 's a simple little seed pod , but I really liked it ( see Photo of the Day ) . This is an original and " only " $ 800 . I watched a woman outside looking at the Bargain Books . She had a cute little dog who looked like he could have some Corgi and some King Charles Spaniel in him . When she came in to pay for the books , I found out his name was Rascal . A woman bought 2 Hunger Games books and recounted her change when I gave it to her . English was not her first language and she seemed to be having problems with the currency as well . I knew I had counted it right but when the next customer came awhile later , I realized I had overcharged her . I charged her $ 12 . 85 , which is what I thought the cash register said , but it only said $ 10 . 85 . But she was long gone by then . Sorry , lady ! A guy wearing a white shirt with a dog facing forward , wearing a hat that said " off the Wall " came in and bought a bargain book American poetry and a non - bargain Danielle Steele . He returned a few minutes later wondering if he had left his glasses behind . He found them somewhere in the stacks and was very relieved . A short - ish woman with short curly black hair was wearing black pants and a black and white striped shirt . I thought right away that I wondered if she was French because if she had worn a beret , she could have stepped out of a production of " American in Paris . " She was not French , but she did buy a French dictionary A guy in black shorts and a red shirt ( both neatly pressed ) who just had the air of someone from a wealthy family came in looking for a book by Robert Greene . He said it was probably business or psychology . He didn 't find what he was looking for and started striding purposefully toward the door , slowing as he did , looking at other book shelves . He actually found another book by Robert Greene in the personal improvement section , so came back to pay for that ( " he 's hard to classify , " he told me ) . He had one of those three family names which further enhanced my sense that he may have grown up with a silver spoon in his mouth . My friend , back from two weeks of vacation arrived at 4 : 45 . We chatted about his time away and he mentioned that he is reading a new to him author , Scott Pratt , who sounds interesting . He bought " Rules of Argument " and a book on medieval art . Susan arrived and I didn 't stay long because I had to catch the bus to get home . I very nearly didn 't make it , but did get to the bus stop 5 minutes before the bus arrived . I enjoyed listening to my audio book all the way home . When I got home , the dogs were hungry and all of our food is in the refrigerator in the garage , and I couldn 't find the key While I was looking for it , Lizzie escaped . I knew I could never catch her , so I just closed the door , and assumed she would return soon . I called Walt at Tahoe to ask what he had done with the key and he had forgotten to leave it for me , but told me where to find the duplicate . While I was talking with him , I saw Lizzie on the lawn , so hung up on him and raced downstairs ( well . . . as much as I can " race " these days ) to call her in . She came in and all was back to normal . And now that I have the garage key , we won 't starve for the next 3 days . My mind flitted back and forth among a bunch of topics , none of which having any substance . I started thinking of time travel . I 'm currently reading Stephen King 's " 11 / 22 / 63 , " in which a man is shown a portal into 1958 and is encouraged to use it to stop Lee Harvey Oswald from killing Kennedy . It 's a very thick book , so it isn 't simply as easy as finding and killing Oswald and the little glitch is that whatever you do in the past , if you return to the present day and then go " down the rabbit hole " again , it 's a re - set and wipes out everything you did before . It 's all very complicated but fascinating . Then I thought out our new refrigerator and the anticipation of having it delivered on Monday . It turned out that making the choice was very simple . I am tired of a side - by - side freezer and wanted a freezer on the bottom . There were several models I liked , but only one fit in our small little hole in the wall . It would have been nice to take the 22 cubic foot model , but it was one inch too tall , s we went with the 19 cubic foot . I started thinking about what to make for dinner tonight , realizing that I don 't have to worry about that now until Sunday , since Walt is going to Tahoe with his sister , her husband and Ned today . I 'm staying behind because I have a show to review . It 's always nice when I don 't have to think about planning a meal for awhile . I thought about the girls going off fishing with their parents recently and how I never went fishing as a kid . I remember going out with my grandfather in his boat once , with a rope with bacon on it , trying to catch crab , but never did . Never held a fishing pole in my life . How lucky the girls are and how much fun they are having in their childhood . The thoughts flitted about like atoms bouncing off a wall and bumping into each other . I finally gave up and went into the recliner . I 've discovered a new trick for getting to sleep . It 's been hot lately , so I don 't want to settle in under a blanket , but somehow if I use a blanket on my upper half , so its around my neck and face it seems to put me to sleep . It was 3 when I settled in and I seemed to go to sleep almost immediately , waking up at 6 : 30 . It wasn 't a full night of sleep by any stretch of the imagination , but at least I did get some sleep , though my head still feels full of cotton , hay and rags . When you get to be our age , you are used to having to say good bye to old friends , and today we are in the throes of saying goodbye to another old and loyal friend . When I went to get butter out of the fridge two days ago , I thought it odd that it was already a spreadable consistency , not a solid block . Then when I went to serve Walt some ice cream for dessert it was kind of soft , but Walt had just bought it , so maybe it was a coincidence . The next night it was softer , so I told Walt there was something wrong with the fridge , so he thoroughly cleaned all the vents and said he hoped that would fix the problem . When I went to get a bottle of water , it was room temperature . We have decided it 's time to replace the fridge . At our age , whenever we replace a major piece of equipment , we assume that this is the last time we will ever buy a [ whatever ] . Last kitchen appliance purchase was the microwave . The fridge has lasted us 18 years and a new one may last close to that , but I hope by the time it is dying , I will either have beaten it to the grave or moved into a home ! So tomorrow is the day we will go fridge shopping . I was off in San Ramon going to Char 's book club today and Walt was busy all day , moving frozen stuff to our almost - never - used - now freezer in the garage and the most perishable refrigerator things into his mother 's old fridge in our garage ( she had that fridge when I MET her more than 50 years ago ! Somehow we inherited it and it has sat , plugged in , in our garage ever since she got rid of it ! Walt keeps it filled with big jugs of water , just to help keep it cold ) My day was less strenuous than Walt 's and a lot more fun . I drove to Char 's and we went to book club . We were discussing " The Rosie Effect , " and there was pretty unanimous opinion that we didn 't like it nearly as much as the previous " The Rosie Project . " While I sat there - - it was about 90 degrees outside - - I decided what should be the perfect ' let the punishment fit the crime ' punishment for people who leave their kids or animals in a hot car for " just a minute " while they run an errand . They should be sentenced to sit in a car , in the sun , for half an hour - - or maybe an hour , with a guard outside making sure they can 't open the door or crank a window or remove their seat belt . Char was gone only 5 minutes and I cannot believe how much hotter it got in those 5 minutes I could have opened the door to let in a bit of air , but , knowing she was coming right back , I wanted to experience what a baby would experience left , securely buckled and unable to move , in a car seat while the car got hotter and hotter . I didn 't realize I had left my cane in Char 's car until Walt and I got to the Music Circus later that night and I went to get it to go into the theater . I always leave it in the car because I need it for stairs and sometimes for slopes ( also for the sympathy vote when groups are waiting for the parking lot elevator ! ) . I texted her and she said that yes , it was there . It will probably be a month before I pick it up ( next book club meeting ) , but fortunately I have another cane here and that will do me all right . . . just not as convenient as my regular cane , which folds into 3 nice pieces to safely stow under a seat when I 'm at the theater . But , alas , this was also the day I was scheduled to have my eye measured in Sacramento for my upcoming cataract surgery ( in November ) . The day actually started with reports of a magnitude 4 earthquake in the Bay Area . Too small to be felt here , but one always wonders about precursors to " the big one . " This looked like it might have been on the Hayward fault . . . and I will be there tomorrow , going to book club a few miles down the road apiece . Since I had to leave the house today anyway , I went to my mother 's first to get her laundry , to be returned to her on Wednesday when I go for lunch . We visited for a bit , and she insisted I had told her nothing about my lunch with my grammar school friends ( sigh ) , but I let it go . The plan was to leave Atria and head for Sacramento , but there was a text message from Walt letting me know that I had left my cane at home . I texted back that I 'd be right there , but he didn 't see that message because , bless him , he had hopped on his bike to come to Atria to let me know , in case I didn 't see the message . But I had , I drove home , got the cane and then headed to Sacramento . I drove to the eye clinic near Cal Expo and it was about 102 when I got there . The appointment went quickly . The woman doing the measuring had C . O . on her jacket , which I found out later is " certified orthoptist . " There were two patient chairs and four machines ( one a computer ) and she had to put my information into each machine in turn . I had the eye measured in the first machine , and then the second , and then the third , then tlted backwards , like in a dental chair ( but not as comfortable ) , where she put in drops ( not to dilate ) and then stuck an eye cup on the eye and washed it with water and took more pictures . What day of the week does the laundry usually get done ? It gets done every couple of days . No specific schedule , except I do my mother 's laundry on Mondays . Longest was 3 days for the first childbirth . I think the others were drive - by childbirths , where they kick you out on the second day . Jeri was born in the " olden days . " Welcome to Saturday : 9 . What we 've committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday . Sometimes the post will have a theme , and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated . Those weeks we do " random questions , " so - to - speak . We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment . Because we don 't have any rules , it is your choice . We hate rules . We love memes , however , and here is today 's meme ! 2 ) Last year a lawsuit filed by Tom Petty and Jeff Lynne , who maintained that " Stay with Me " was really just " I Won 't Back Down . " Petty and Lynne won . Have you ever served on a jury ? Just one , though I have been dismissed from a couple . I just received a jury summons yesterday and was THRILLED to learn that people over 70 do not have to serve . FREE ! I did . I was not a regular Letterman watcher , but I knew that would be an " event " and I didn 't want to miss it . ( I also watched Carson 's final show and the last Daily Show ) 4 ) Smith says his style was influenced by ladies with " massive voices , " including Adele , Amy Winehouse , Chaka Kahn , and Whitney Houston . Of those four , which do you listen to most often ? None of them . I don 't even know if I 've heard Adele , Winehouse or Chaka Kahn . My " massive voice " lady is Judy Garland . 5 ) Speaking of style , Mr . Smith is a smart dressed man who looks comfortable and dapper as he walks the red carpet in a tux . Do you enjoy getting dressed up for special occasions ? No . I look like shit in just about everything , so " dressing up " is not something I look forward to . I was meeting three friends from grammar school - - Sandy , Judy and Lois . Judy was my best friend in grammar school . She lives in Marin County , Sandy lives in LA and Lois lives in South San Francisco . We met at the Spinnaker restaurant in Sausalito . We met there in 2009 ( without Lois ) and had such a wonderful reunion . ( I like that place because Sausalito is notorious for difficulty parking , but the restaurant has valet parking ) The food was great and we didn 't stop talking or reminiscing from the time we all sat down . It 's amazing how memories are . They remembered things I didn 't remember at all , and I remembered things they didn 't remember . They have a better memory for the names of our teachers and we all went through " where is so - and - so now ? " A couple more have died since 2006 , but since we are all in our 70s , I guess that 's not surprising . We also decided that we need to organize another class reunion . Neither Judy nor I had attended the one that was held in 2006 . So we 'll see where that goes . In all , we occupied the table for about 2 hours and finally had to say goodbye . I got on Highway 101 headed for Sacramento and things were going along all right and I was pleased that I seemed to be ahead of rush hour traffic . But then I made the turn on to Highway 37 , which connects 101 with I - 80 . It 's normally a 30 minute drive across the Delta area ( shockingly dry right now ) . Things were ok for a bit but then I started up a hill and encountered this In all , the 30 minute ride took an hour but the good thing is that I was listening to a good audio book and glad for the extended time to listen to it . I was worried that I wouldn 't get home in time . I had a show to review tonight , for the News and Review , at a theater I have never attended before . By the time I got home after 3 hours I was wiped out and called the theater to make arrangements to review it tomorrow , not tonight . So then I could finally relax . My first customer was a tall old guy who bought a history of the Jaguar ( auto ) , " The Grand Tour " and " Sweden the Middle Way on Trial . " It as a soundless transaction , as he came to the desk , handed me the books , then silently handed me the money and turned to go , but on the way out he saw a book about the Wright Brothers and returned to buy that . It was $ 7 . 60 and he gave me $ 7 and then dug in his pockets for change and only found $ 7 . 59 . I told him that was close enough . A guy in a Bob Marley shirt bought a books with works by Aristotle and Plato . He told me he likd the guitar music that was playing over the speaker and that he and his father play " a little Flamenco . " His companion bought " The Ant Farm , " ( That may not be the right title - - I can 't find it on Amazon . ) It 's a humor book and had " Hilarious - - Jon Stewart " on it . She and the guy talked about Jon Stewart and I asked her what she was doing with herself at 11 p . m . now . " I KNOW ! " she answered , as we shared a moment of sadness over the loss of Stewart to the late night TV watching community . A woman bought a bargain book by Pat Conroy , " The River is Wide . " I love Conroy and that was one I had not read . She had not read any of is books before and I raved about " Prince of Tides . " A man in a Clear Lake t - shirt and puka beads bought a bargain book and I asked if he was from Clear Lake . He said that he was not , but that he was there last summer . We talked about the terrible fire burning up there right now . Then he said something surprising , that a lot of the people in the area where he had been were " unsavory " and wondered if this was Nature 's way of " taking care of things . " A man brought in a couple of armloads of books for donation . Several were good books I was interested in . I " borrowed " one ( " The Art of Racing in the Rain " ) which we will be reading for book club . I read it back in 2010 and I want to read it again to remember the story . A woman who reminded me of Walt 's mother in the days before she got so bad came in . She was wearing trainers that must have been two sizes too big for her as they looked like clown shoes on her . She asked for art books , and then asked if we had books that would teach her about how to paint . She left without buying anything . A doddering physician and his wife brought in four very heavy bags of medical books to donate . I was afraid he was going to collapse under the weight of them . She didn 't carry any . Two businessmen types who reminded me very much of how Tom and his friends look on the golf course . One of them pulled a carry - on type suitcase behind him . They looked around for awhile , mostly chatting , before they left without buying . I was struck by how different their whole demeanor was from the customers we usually get . Two woman were browsing bargain books outside . I watched them through the window and they both reminded me of Kaley Cuoco , from Big Bang Theory , until one of them came in and was considerably older than the young actress and didn 't look like her at all . Both women were dressed all in purple . The woman who came in asked if we were connected with the Logos Books in Santa Cruz ( we are not ) . She bought a book by Virginia Woolf and gave me a $ 2 donation as well . Two girls with very long dark hair carrying drinks asked if they should put their drinks down . I told them it wasn 't necessary . They bought 2 contemporary fiction books and a book of Grimm 's fairy tails . A middle aged man with white hair , who reminded me of the guy who writes a local column about beer came in ( I knew it was not that man because he didn 't have a British accent ) . He bought " Beyond Freedom and Dignity " by B . F . Skinner and " Genome : the Autobiography of a Species in 23 Chapters . " I had problems with his credit card which was very old and the new machine didn 't want to read it , but when I manually entered the numbers it went through just fine . A woman named Cindy , who knows me ( she looked familiar , but I can 't place her ) was looking for " Boys in the Boat , " " Being Mortal " and " Can 't We Discuss Something More Pleasant ? " We had none of them , but I did give high marks for the last book , which is by New Yorker cartoonist Roz Chast and is about what to do with Mom and Dad as they get older and more demented ! I made Jeri read it . Just a few little things today . Last night I realized that the dogs have taken over Sheila 's jobs . It was Sheila who made sure I went to the couch to sleep at night . After she died , I thought - - how nice . I can stay up as long as I want ! But no , now both Polly and Lizzie dance around , poke me or bark when they think it 's time for me to go to sleep . They never did that before . Also , Sheila used to walk back and forth in front of the couch , so I could first pet her backside and then pet her head . Then she 'd lie down next to me and sleep there . Suddenly Lizzie is doing the walk - pat thing . She doesn 't turn around like Sheila did , but she walks past me twice , then climbs into her chair to go to sleep . Kinda nice , actually . Had lunch with my friend Kathy today . As usual , we talked and talked and talked . We trashed a local production I ( and everyone else ) had given a bad review to ( it has closed early ) , talked a lot about Donald Trump and the current political situation , and eventually got around to an offspring update . We were there about an hour and a half , about half an hour after we finished eating . But the waitress had told us it was her birthday today and I gave her a bigger tip than I would have normally and wrote " happy birthday " on the receipt . I came home and immediately sat down to finish my book , which I was so close to doing . I 've been on a real reading jag lately . I 've already read more books in 2015 than I did in all of 2014 . I had finished " The Martian " couple of days ago and had started " Chasing the Dime " by Michael Connelly at Logos last week and was so close to the end . So I didn 't do anything until I finished it . Then I wrote a review for the Books Read in 2015 . When I finish writing a review for this web site , I always copy it into my list of read books on Good Reads . It wasn 't until I started to post the review that I realized I read the book in 2011 Trust me , I remember absolutely nothing about the book and nothing in the book while I was reading it sounded familiar . It must not have made much of an impression on me in 2011 ! ( Good book , tho . ) I finally finished a package to send off to Compassion , with letters and little gifts for several of the kids . i started it awhile ago , but didn 't realize HOW long ago until I saw there was an introductory book in it for Eunice , a new sponsored child in Tanzania . . . I had recorded in my " stuff sent " file as having been sent in April . Oops ! Fortunately it 's not time sensitive , and it takes so long for packages to get to the kids , it won 't make a difference . It feels good to finally have it sent off . The post office has been driving me nuts because they have an employee who goes down the line of people waiting asking them the questions about liquids or flammables , do you want stamps or anything , do you want a mail box ? It always seemed a ridiculous waste of time since when you get to a clerk s / he asks you the exact same questions . However all I had was a flat rate envelope and when she asked if I was going to pay by credit card , so told me I didn 't have to wait in line and that she could ring me up right away . I feel better now about the double questoins ! The 2014 Oscar nominated films are slowly being released to the pay channels , so I finally got a chance to see Whiplash tonight . . . . wonderful , yet pretty scary performance by J . B . Simmons , who won the award for best supporting player . Definitely no Farmers Insurance guy ! To be recorded in the next couple of days are Foxfire ( which got Steve Carell nominated ) , and The Theory of Everything . I 'll eventually get to see them all . I 'm getting a free box of Haagen Dazs ice cream bars . We have little snack bars after dinner and last night my bar was not ice cream . It tasted like ice milk and was grainy in texture . So I wrote to Haagen Dazs and told them , politely , how often we eat their bars and how I was surprised by this one . I got a very nice letter back from customer service this morning , explaining about the effect of temperature change on ice cream and telling me that they would be sending me a coupon for a free box of bars . I have had very good luck with complaint letters , always being polite and never expecting anything . I also feel it necessary to write about GOOD service or something that pleases me . Seems only fair . This duplicates entries in my journal , Funny the World , which I have been writing since March 2000 . The reason for starting a mirror blog is for people who prefer to subscribe thru an rss feed . The title is a quote from The Mikado , " Is this a time for airy persiflage ? " ( light banter ) . Yes , I am !

I didn 't really speak to Master last night like I said I would in my last post . I mean . . I did ask . It just didn 't turn into a full conversation . We had a good day . We didn 't go to bed until almost 4am . We didn 't fuck , even though we both wanted to , because Master 's back was really bothering Him and my period had literally just started so I was cramping pretty bad . I always do the first two fucking days . It 's not like we don 't fuck when I 'm on the rag . We do . In fact we both enjoy it a lot . It 's just the first day or two that suck . Anyway , when we were climbing into bed to go to sleep I simply asked Him , " Was last night better Master ? " I couldn 't see His face as my eyes hadn 't adjusted to the dark yet but it seemed like there was a smile in His voice . " Yes babe . A lot better . " See ? No conversation needed . A simple question and a simple answer . He then pulled me close and put His arm around me . I fell asleep with a smile on my face . Obviously the picture is wrong . . I would not and I repeat not be the one holding the cane or whip or whatever the hell that 's supposed to be . However , I can get loud in bed . There have been plenty of times where Master will just put His hand over my mouth or tell me " Sshh . . babe . " It 's not like He gets mad about it . He enjoys it . But the walls in our apartment are thin as hell . As a result we have to keep certain things in mind . Nothing that makes a lot of noise , such as Him using His belt like He use to . Another good example is me getting too loud while we 're fucking . When I first moved in with Him He would use the belt on me when He thought it was necessary or just because He wanted to . But we had different neighbors back then and at least one of the apartments that shared a wall with us was empty . But that was oh hell . . . nine years ago ? Yeah . That sounds about right . Since then we have had very , very nosy neighbors come and go . It got to the point where we are actually afraid of someone calling the cops if we get too loud with such things . Why ? Well , one time we had fucked rather rough and we had both gotten somewhat loud . There was some spanking going on and all that . Nothing too rough . A little while later there was a loud knock on our door . What the hell ? So I tossed on a robe , as we were both still naked , and Master went and sat in the bedroom . No reason for Him to get dressed . We weren 't expecting anyone . So I open the door and I had a smile on my face because Master and I had been joking around as I walked down the hallway . Anyway , I open the door and there is a damn cop standing there . I look at him kind of puzzled . I was still at least half smiling . He looked at me and said , " I guess there isn 't a domestic disturbance going on here is there ? " Honestly , we weren 't making a ton of noise and the spanking wasn 't all that loud either . Definitely not as loud as we could have been . So yeah . . It sucks . One day we 'll live somewhere that either has thicker walls or we live in a house . Taking Initiative Part of the conversation Master and I had the other night is that I am not really taking initiative in the bedroom . I have been lazy and laying down on the bed , waiting for Him to get to the bedroom ( I normally get there first ) and then waiting to see what He wants to do . Now , it 's not like He isn 't still in total control . He was just getting frustrated that I was leaving absolutely everything up to Him including for Him to initiate sex . The only thing that I would really do is ask if He wanted to go fool around or tell Him I wanted to fuck . After that I always waited until He made the first move basically . Lazy of me . And I 'm honestly ashamed to admit it . He was just frustrated with it . I have fallen into that lull before . I thought , at the time , it was what is I 'm supposed to do . That whole " He 's in charge so I 'll just wait for Him to take charge and then I 'll respond from there . " Like I said , it 's lazy . After our conversation I took it all to heart and promised that I would become better . Last night I asked Him if He wanted to watch porn . He said yes , so I popped one into the DVD player . After a while we turned it off and I asked if He wanted to go play with me . He chuckled and told me to meet Him in the bedroom . I had dressed up for Him . It was a simple body stocking , but I hadn 't worn it in a while . Once I got to bed I waited for Him to join me . Rather than simply laying down I knelt on the bed itself . When He climbed into bed with me He laid down on His side . I moved forward , while still on my knees . I started stroking His cock and offered my neck for Him to nibble on . I asked Him what He wanted to do with me . He told me that He wanted to 69 as we haven 't done that in a long time . You would think that with our height difference it wouldn 't be possible , but it is . I just always have to be the one on top . It didn 't last long as my hands continuously slid forward on the bed sheets and as a result I was having a difficult time staying in a place where it was comfortable for me to suck His cock . I then flipped around so we were facing one another and rested on top of Him , feeling His cock throb against my hip . I kissed Him and we kissed for quite a while . We honestly don 't do that a lot during sex or foreplay . We kiss one another all the time . But for some reason we don 't kiss very frequently during sex / foreplay . I teasingly would flick my tongue quickly into His mouth only to move back before kissing Him again . I was being playful . I think He enjoyed it since He allowed it to go on and His cock remained hard against me . I asked Him how He wanted me . He said that He either wanted me on top or for me to get on all fours and that either was fine by Him . I then sat down next to His hips and started sucking His cock from that angle . My legs were open and He snaked His fingers between my pussy lips and gently fingered me . I then slid down further . He chuckled and asked me what I was up to now . " Nothing Master . " I knelt in between His legs and continued to please His with my tongue and mouth before climbing on top of Him . I reached between my legs and ran the head of His cock along the length of my slit before finally putting Him inside of me . I laid on top of Him , gently moving my hips , while resting my head on His chest and kissing His chest on and off . When I sat up fully He moaned which turned me on more than I already was , and trust me I was already wet as hell . I alternated between rocking my hips , rotating my hips , and then bucking my hips hard and fast . He grabbed my hips and after I got off the first time I was hot . I pulled down the top of my body stocking so that my tits were free . It helped cool me off a bit and as soon as I did He grabbed my tits with His hands , which only made me buck harder again . And once again I got off . That didn 't stop Him from torturing my tits and nipples with His hands in a most delicious way . I ran my hands up and down His arms as He did so and sometimes put my hands over His . I was simply lost in every single sensation . I wanted to touch Him as much as possible , which He seemed to greatly enjoy . But after a while I wanted something else . He has always encouraged me to let Him know if I want something else . If He wants it to , He 'll allow it and if He doesn 't He 'll just keep doing what He wants . Simple enough . Rather than using my words I used my hands . I ever so gently took His hands away from my chest . I guided His left hand down to my hips . He allowed it and gripped my hip firmly . Then I gently guided His right hand to my throat . As soon as He realized that is where I wanted His hand to be He grabbed it and it was like His hand locked . Apparently that turned Him on as much as it did me . I didn 't have a lot of places to put my hands so I simply placed my left hand on top of His , where it was holding my hip and my right hand against His chest to help balance myself . The tighter His grip on my neck got the faster I bucked my hips . I felt His orgasm start which kicked me into another one . His hand didn 't leave my throat until after we were both done . I began to move but His left hand locked on my hip , forcing me to stay in place . He wanted to enjoy that sensation a bit longer . When He allowed me to move I immediately cleaned off His cock with my mouth . I sincerely hope that what I did last night is what He meant by wanting me to take more initiative . It 's not like I put a lot of thought into it . I just ran with what my instincts and waited for His reaction as far as whether or not that is what He wanted . I greatly enjoyed everything . If that is not what He meant , I hope that He tells me . I plan to talk to Him about it later on tonight . I didn 't want to ask Him right away . I didn 't want to ruin the moment by immediately delving into a serious discussion . Okay , so I 've kinda sorta mentioned some family stuff in my last two posts . I actually wasn 't planning on posting about it at all . Why ? Well . . . I don 't know why . Just because . However , with recent developments today I 'm somewhat pissed off and just plain old fucking worried . Master is being my rock and we are both pretty much just in standby mode . Why ? Because there is nothing else to do but sit by the phone , waiting for updates . If you 've read here for a while now you already know that my grandfather has a lot of health problems . He 's diabetic , he has a fuck ton of heart problems that have been going on for the past 15 years , gradually getting worse and worse . You also know that he just doesn 't want to be here anymore . He wants to just give up the ghost and be with my grandmother who has been gone 20 years . His body just isn 't allowing him to do so . Even with all of his health problems it 's keeping him going each day . I haven 't seen him since this past Christmas . That probably sounds absolutely horrible of me . But he doesn 't want visitors . He just plain doesn 't . The only time he wants someone around is when he absolutely has to . By that I mean when he needs to have the house cleaned , have his finances done , be taken to the grocery store and taken to doctor appointments . And so I respect his wishes and stay away . In fact all the family respects those wishes , including his two sons , my dad and my uncle . Anyway , yesterday I got a very scary call from my mother . She has been part of my grandfather 's life since she was 16 years old . She was with my father for 25 years . And even when they got divorced my grandfather considered her a daughter and they have remained in contact with one another . My mother had received a frantic call from my uncle , who also stays in contact with her . My grandfather had a doctor appointment on Wednesday and while there his heart rate was extremely high again . They had to knock him out , shock his heart , and wake him back up . He has a DNR in place but that is only in the case of if he is actually deceased . But the frantic call had nothing to do with that . Grandpa was supposed to have another doctor appointment yesterday and my dad and uncle were going to take him there . My uncle had attempted to call him to remind him that they would be coming out soon . He got no answer and figured that he was sleeping as he has been sleeping a lot lately . But then they got a call from Grandpa 's next door neighbor saying that he hadn 't seen Grandpa go outside to get his newspaper or take his dog out . The neighbor had also attempting to call him but didn 't get an answer . So he called my uncle , worried . My uncle told the neighbor that they would head out immediately . My dad and uncle rushed out there and when they got inside ( my dad has his own set of keys to the house ) they didn 't get any kind of welcome . In fact he wasn 't in the living room . They found him on the bathroom floor , with his head just past the doorway of the bathroom . His dog was hovering and whimpering over him . My dad called 911 immediately . Grandpa was unconscious . Dad and my uncle were able to get him to wake up before the ambulance got there but he wasn 't making a lot of sense . They didn 't try to move him . When the ambulance got there and tried to get him up onto the gurney Grandpa screamed in pain . He said his back is where the pain was coming from . As they were getting him onto the gurney as gently , yet quickly , as possible they asked him how long he thought he had been on the floor . He told them he remembers starting to walk out of the bathroom and looking up at the clock . The clock had said 9am . My dad and uncle hadn 't gotten out there until 2pm . He had been on the floor like that until they had arrived and was slipping in and out of consciousness but couldn 't move because of the pain . He has a phone in his bathroom but it wasn 't where he could reach it once he was on the floor . And when people were calling he couldn 't get up to answer it . My uncle followed the ambulance to the hospital while my dad frantically searched the house for the paperwork he needed , such as the power of attorney and the list of all of his medications . The ambulance couldn 't take him to the hospital he normally goes to because by law they have to go to the one closest to the house . When my dad and uncle got to the hospital , that is when my mom got the phone call and then she in turn called me to let me know what was going on . I asked her if she thought I should rush down there . She said no because she felt as if any of the rest of the family other than my dad and uncle went down it would only further add to the chaos , which I understood and agreed with . All I could do was wait for the next phone call with an update . I had remained calm during the phone call but broke down as soon as I started to explain to Master what was going on . I was sitting in the computer chair and He came over and rested on His haunches while He held my hand and let me take my time finishing what I was trying to tell Him . About an hour later my dad sent me a text saying it was okay to call . So I did . Dad was at home as my grandfather had been admitted to the hospital . The update I got was that when Grandpa had been admitted his blood sugar was extremely low , he was severely dehydrated and his heart beat had raced back up to where it had been on Wednesday . He wasn 't dehydrated on Wednesday and his blood sugar levels were normal . So in the matter of two days all of this had happened . My dad is not a man who shows his emotions . He holds them and bottles them up . While I was talking to him his voice was shaking pretty badly . It sounded as if he had just stopped crying or was trying not to cry . I didn 't mention it . It would have only made things worse for him . He told me that they had done a cat scan and taken x - rays but that they wouldn 't get the results until tomorrow . I found that a little odd , but I have a feeling that mainly is due to the fact that my grandfather 's doctors wanted to hold a meeting over it . My dad told me he would keep me updated once he got a major update . I got off the phone with him and later on last night , about 10pm or so , I got a text saying that my grandfather had been released from the hospital and was at home with my uncle . What the fuck ! ? I didn 't delve any deeper than that last night . Everyone 's nerves were fried . This morning I got up and called my mom . My mom is like a central hub . One person gives her the updates and then she updates everyone else . She told me that Grandpa had been released from the hospital last night because they had said he was terminal and as a result , for insurance purposes , all they could do was stabilize him and send him home . They hadn 't even received results on all of his tests yet ! But hey . . he 's stable for that moment so lets ship him off to his house . Our health care system is fucked up . The doctors said that he is not to be left alone . My uncle had stayed the night and then he had to go to work or he would have been fired . Grandpa 's neighbor kept watch after that . I tried to call my dad to see if he needed me to go down and basically " take a shift " . He didn 't answer so I left a voice mail . That was probably around noon . It 's almost 3pm now . So I figured one of two things . . . He was already out there and busy taking of Grandpa and so didn 't answer his phone . I haven 't received any updates since I got off the phone with my mother a little before noon . Either no news is good news or shit has gone severely south again and it 's just that no one has had time to update anyone . It 's one of those things where on one hand I want people to keep him in their thoughts so that he will get better as I don 't want my grandfather to die . But , on the other hand , I know he doesn 't want to be here anymore . And as fucked up as it sounds I think he would be happier if he weren 't . So I 'm a loving granddaughter who doesn 't want to see her grandfather go but also doesn 't want him to suffer any longer than absolutely necessary . Like I said , we 're on standby . We 're just keeping the phones close and waiting . I don 't want to blow up my dad 's phone because my dad is one of those people where if / when he has news he will call me . If I 'm constantly calling him it 'll only add stress and will piss him off . My mom will call me if she hears anything . This is another reason why I hate living here . We 're 40 to 45 minutes away from where Grandpa lives . Master and I both want to move to His hometown and then it would just be a hop , skip , and a jump . It would be 15 to 20 minutes tops . No comments : Nothing Important Well , you may or may not have noticed . . . but I changed the font to the headers on my blog . I guess I just kind of got sick of the old one . I was trying to keep my mind busy tonight due to certain family related news I received today . I asked Master for permission to just kind of take over the computer and nerd out for a while . He said yes . He had absolutely no problems with it . And really the only nerding out I do anymore is fucking with my blog . So I looked through hundreds , and I do mean hundreds , of fonts available . I just wanted to change the font for the headers . I don 't like stylized fonts for the actual body of the post because I think it makes it harder to read . I know that if I go to a blog or website and the body of the post is in an abnormal font I find it annoying and nine times out of ten I won 't even bother reading it . If it 's just the blog title , blog header , etc . it 's not a huge deal to me . In fact I think such things can add a bit of flare and flavor to the blog . Anyway , I had been using a font called Rock Salt . When I first applied it I loved it . I thought it looked a little edgy , ya know ? But I just got sick of looking at it . I wanted something different . So I decided on using this one . It 's called Risque . How appropriate of a font name for a blog like this , right ? * laughs * I love it . Then I searched for new avatars to use within the blog post itself . I haven 't done that in ages , which I 'm sure frequent readers have noticed . Hell , sometimes when I 'm selecting one for that day 's post I sigh and go , " Yeah I guess I 'll use that one again . " I didn 't save a lot of new ones . I chose and uploaded eighteen new avatars . I know I don 't need to use them . And hell , for a very long time I didn 't . But I think they add a bit of character to the post itself and I enjoy picking one out to insert before I start typing . Sometimes , oddly enough , when I 'm scrolling through the ones I have one will catch my eye and actually jump start a blog post idea . I know that sounds really stupid , but it 's true . So yeah . I just wanted to hop on here and post about absolutely nothing of importance . Just a quick : " Hey ! Look at the new font and stupid little avatar ! " Master and I had a really nice and long heart to heart last night . Well , actually it started two nights ago . But at that point it was a mini conversation that Master said we would continue the next day . ( Meaning yesterday . ) It was in regards to how things have been going with our dynamic . So most of the day yesterday I was waiting for the subject to be brought up , but it wasn 't . I think He was waiting for me to start it off . So around 2am or so I asked Master if we could just sit and talk for a while . So He turned off the TV and He sat in His recliner . I sat on the corner of the couch , facing Him . Ever since I became unemployed I 've still kind of been stuck in how the dynamic was working when I was working a lot of hours , has I had been for the last 4 months that I was working . Master had taken it very light on me . I was in a lot of pain due to my fibromyalgia and was pushing my body pretty far . So during the work week when I was home He allowed me to pretty much relax as much as possible . And on the weekends I was crashing out on the couch during the day as my body was attempting to catch up on it 's sleep . Plus a fuck ton of stress makes my body shut down . It was kind of a double whammy . However , that 's not the case anymore . And I was still stuck in that same mind frame . I think He was kind of too . But we were both still adjusting to my being home constantly . It 's been a month and one week now . So the issue of my still being stuck in that laid back slave mode was becoming more and more apparent . It was really starting to grate on Him . And I needed to snap out of it . The conversation was extremely calm . Neither of us got pissed off or hurt . We kept our tones in a normal conversation pattern . We didn 't want it turning into any kind of fight or either of us thinking it was just the other person 's fault . It was my fault and His . Neither of us were innocent in this . I had stayed in that mind frame and He had kept the leash slack . The stress of my being unemployed I think kept it going as it was / is a huge adjustment for both of us . Since we started living together I have either been employed or going to college . I was never just at home 24 / 7 . I had actually signed up for college about a month prior to my moving in with Him . It wasn 't planned that way , it 's just how things happened to line up . The stress levels are still high . Especially due to extremely recent family issues on my side of the family . ( Recent as in the news hit today . ) I don 't want to go into it as I don 't want to take away from the fact that the conversation we had was extremely needed and , I feel , very productive . I think we both feel a lot better after having had that conversation . We bother had things we wanted / needed to bring up and honestly some of it matched up perfectly with what the other had brought it , it was just the other side of the coin . He was coming at the top from the Master point of view and I commented on the exact the same topic from the slave point of view . It was just kind of interesting how we had both wanted to bring up the exact same topics but hadn 't in the past due to other things coming up that at the time were more important . Don 't get me wrong , our marriage , our dynamic , is highly important . But the things that continuously popped up had to do with things that needed our immediate attention . Life gets in the way sometimes and we forget to take that time to reconnect and broach the subjects because we are so focused on the other immediate concerns . It 's no one 's fault . It really isn 't . It happens to everyone , with or without a dynamic in place . It has happened to us in the past and we just have to put it back on the rails , where it is supposed to be . It 's not always easy to keep this running on the rails smooth as butter . Every now and then one of the wheels slip and the whole momentum slows down to a crawl . We just have to get this bitch back up to speed . We will . I know we will . Why ? Because we 've done it before . I was supposed to do a blog post last night . It is currently 3 : 46am . I had taken a nap earlier today because I didn 't sleep well last night . I continuously drifted between the fully asleep to the half awake / half asleep state . I don 't know why . I never woke up enough to bother looking at the clock . Like I said I drifted from one state to another . I didn 't even think about my blog post until about 20 minutes before we were going to go to bed . And as soon as it crossed my mind I said , out loud , " Fuck ! I was supposed to do a blog post tonight . " Master said , " Yes , I know . " He didn 't mention any kind of punishment or anything along those lines . I then explained that because I had been doing some of my posts at midnight or a little later it kind of threw me off . It 's not an excuse at all . It 's just the truth . I had taken my pills right before we went to bed , like I 'm supposed to . But I 'm laying there and honestly I wasn 't laying there very long , but I could already tell that I wouldn 't be able to fall asleep right away . So I just got out of bed . It was either that or I was going to toss and turn and most likely keep Master up . I know He hasn 't been sleeping well either . The only issue is that I had already taken my pills . With the dosage I 'm on normally if I 'm up too long after I 've taken them I start to get double vision and begin to walk around like I 'm drunk . Part of me wanted to just lay there and deal with not being able to fall asleep just for that fact . But after a few minutes I decided I would just take my chances . After all , if I begin to feel that way I can just go to bed . Once I sleep I feel fine . And when I wake up in the morning there are no side effects what so ever . But the whole not doing my blog post when I was supposed to is eating at me . I feel guilty . I feel bad . Not just a little bad . I actually feel pretty horrible about it . I 've been doing so well . A few verbal but light reprimands here and there but other than that I haven 't fucked up . I haven 't had a big fuck up in a long time . And then I do this . And there is no excuse for it because after all I 'm unemployed . So it 's not like I don 't have the time . I ran some errands today but I was home by 4 : 30pm . And yes , I 'm stressed the fuck out because I 'm not working and finances and family shit is constantly on my mind . . . And I 'm okay . I 'm not flipping out . But I 've been a lot more stressed than this and still remembered to do my blog post . After all it sometimes helps me calm myself down because I 'm not focusing on everything at once . I 'm simply focusing on writing my blog post . And how hard is it to remember to do my blog post ? It 's not . I 've been doing it since 2007 after all . It wasn 't always daily and right now it 's every other day . Yes , I 've been doing some posts past midnight so the dates don 't always line up but since I 'm not going to bed until about 2 : 30am to 3am it feels to me like I 'm sticking to the schedule I 'm supposed to and Master hasn 't really had an issue with it as long as it was done before bed . The post isn 't done on time . No I 'm not in bed . No I haven 't fallen asleep . But I did attempt to go to sleep . So this post doesn 't make up for the fact that I missed the post for the 26th . When I was working it had to be done before my bedtime , which was 11pm . Sometimes He would be feeling generous and allow me to stay up later than that . On the weekends I didn 't really have a bedtime but the posts were still done before 11pm . I don 't know if He plans on punishing me . If He does , I don 't know what it would be . He may allow it to slide . I just don 't know . He didn 't get pissed off when I realized and announced out loud that I didn 't do my post . He didn 't order me to do it anyway . His tone didn 't change at all . But that doesn 't really mean He isn 't going to punish me for it . He doesn 't punish me out of anger . He punishes me to teach me a lesson and remind me of my place in this relationship . Since I haven 't fucked up in a big way in a long time this is really eating at me . It would have bothered me even if it hadn 't been a long time . But I feel like a total fucking moron . I feel like I 'm not a good girl at all . I feel like utter shit right now actually . I 'm very upset with myself . I won 't know whether or not I 'm going to be punished until tomorrow . I don 't know if that 's part of why I don 't feel tired . Not so much the waiting to see if I 'm going to be punished , but rather that I feel like a really , really bad slave right now . Some people may think it 's not that big of a deal . But it 's one of the rules that has remained in place for years and years and suddenly this ? Really ? What the fuck ! Razor Master had me start growing out a landing strip a while back . I actually thought it had been longer than what that post actually says . * shrugs * But apparently it 's only been a little over a month . I guess it felt longer because I 'm always so damn worried about messing it up , like I have done in the past . But actually I had been doing pretty damn well with it . So when Master told me to come to Him I immediately knelt down . He told me to stand up . I did . I had on one of His t - shirts because it has been kind of chilly in the apartment and He has been allowing it . He lifted up the bottom of the shirt and , for lack of a better word , inspected my landing strip . I got a little worried at first . But after running His finger through it a couple of times told me I could shave it off . My eyes got a little wide and said , " Why ? Did I fuck it up ? " It 's not like I wanted to keep it . I prefer being clean shaven . But I wanted Him to be pleased . So the thought of Him telling me that I can shave it made me immediately think that I had done it wrong . Maybe it wasn 't even . Maybe it wasn 't to the width / length He wanted it to be anymore . Trust me I 'd rather have Him pleased with it than fuck it up just so He 'll allow me to get rid of it . In response He chuckled and said , " No . I 'm just saying you can shave it off . " He explained that every now and then He wants it to be there and then that desire is gone and He wants me to be clean shaven again . He also told me to go ahead and dress up for Him once I was done with my shower . So off to the bathtub I went ! I got myself all nice and clean , shaved my legs , and then started shaving my pussy . I don 't know why but I did the strip last . And when I started I actually hesitated for a moment . There I was with the razor in my hand and looking down . I had already shaved a small piece of it away . But I literally had to replay His words in my mind that it was okay to shave it off before I could shave off the rest of it . No idea why . But it was like if I didn 't , I wouldn 't be able to continue . I don 't know if it 's how my brain works because of my training , or if it 's my paranoia of disappointing Him . . . I don 't know . Both ? I did dress up for Him and I picked out an outfit that I hadn 't worn in a long time . He enjoyed it . Although after we were done fucking I took it off and threw it away . It wasn 't at His order or anything . It was just because it is one of those stretchy outfits and after a while they lose their stretchiness . . . This one had reached that point . Not all the way , but enough for it to annoy me . He agreed that it was that time . So into the garbage it went . Thankfully it wasn 't an expensive piece . Then again I try not to spend a lot of money on lingerie . It 's just going to rip or tear at some point anyway . . * laughs * As long as I look good in it He doesn 't care . And most of them last a good long while . No comments : Yesterday was our anniversary . Unfortunately it wasn 't eventful . There really wasn 't anything we could do . We had things we wanted to do . . . but they just weren 't feasible . * sad face * I mean it 's our anniversary , it 's not like we have to do anything . Anniversaries aren 't about presents and all that . Hell , I didn 't even want and / or expect a present . All I wanted was to be able to celebrate in some way . But . . . we couldn 't . Due to my being unemployed things are tight . Extremely tight . And as a result there wasn 't anything we could really do to celebrate . So it was spent like any other day . Do I blame Him or myself ? No . I think I am more frustrated just by the simple fact that in the beginning of February I had requested three days off from work around our anniversary so we could celebrate . And I specifically planned it for a time when we would have a little money to celebrate with . Obviously those plans were made before I was fired . And once I was fired those plans were shot . We have been together for eleven years now , seven of which we have been married . We decided to get married on our " normal " anniversary just to keep things nice and simple . Master made a photo album on the social media site we are on . Basically it is a collection of select photographs of us over the years . It was really sweet of Him and it was fun to look through . I guess I 'm just a bit down about the fact that there wasn 't anything special I could do for Him . We didn 't have the money for any kind of date night . We didn 't have the money for anything to make the day at least a little special . I 'm not going to say this anniversary sucked . It is still a milestone in our marriage / relationship . So it can 't suck . I will say that it sucked that we couldn 't make it special and had to basically do what we do every day . Usually when things are tight I can pull something out of my ass and make it work , but with my not having a normal paycheck it 's impossible . There was no robbing Peter to pay Paul this time . Regardless , I am thankful that we have reached this milestone together . I know we have many more ahead of us . And I will be doing everything I can to make sure that next year we actually get to celebrate it . No comments : I would like to note that this is technically my post for 03 / 19 / 14 . It will probably show as 03 / 20 / 14 but that 's because it 's past midnight . Master and I had been watching random things on Netflix and He was checking stuff out on the computer and about a half hour ago a light bulb went off above my head . " I still need to do my blog post . " Once Master was done with what He had to do online He allowed me to hop on so I could do this post . We had some hot sex the other night . Well , it didn 't start off hot . It started off with a bit of a mood killer , which we thankfully bounced back from rather quickly . We had decided to watch a porno , which honestly we started watching simply because we were bored . But it did put us both in the mood so we headed to the bedroom . This is where the mood killer part comes in . I was on my back and when He got into bed next to me He pulled me to Him so that I was on my side . I didn 't realize it at the time but He was leaning down to start chewing on my neck . My hair had ended up under His arm and it wasn 't comfortable so I tried to move my head to try and pull at least some of my hair out from under His arm and ended up basically smashing the top of my head into His nose . I don 't know how many times I apologized . I honestly did feel bad about it . Once His nose stopped hurting He wrapped His arms around me and quickly rolled so that I was on my back again and He was on top of me , but His arms were still wrapped around me . I wasn 't going anywhere . Not that I wanted to . He molested my tits for a long time before kneeling up and yanking on my legs so that I went down to where He was , rather than Him moving forward . He rubbed the head of His cock along my slit , sometimes focusing on my clit . At the time I remember wondering if my clit hood piercing felt good against His cock while He was doing that . I didn 't ask . I just enjoyed it . Once He slipped inside of me He leaned forward and held me close to Him . After a couple of orgasms He knelt up again and lifted my ass up off the bed . I knew He was trying to go as deep as possible so I arched my back so my hips were pointed down , my entire back was off the bed and my head was pushed back . The only thing that was still touching the mattress was the top of my head and my shoulder blades . After I came again He lifted my legs up and put them over His shoulders . He then pushed His upper body forward so I was basically bent in half . Another orgasm comes and goes . He sits back up so He is fully on His knees again and He takes my legs , keeps them bent at the knees , but puts my feet against His chest . He then grabbed my hips and bounced me off His cock . I was getting close to another orgasm when He said , " Set me off inside of you . " As we both floated back down from our orgasmic bliss He rested against me and we both caught our breath . Once He rolled off of me I flipped onto my stomach . Suddenly my lower back had become very uncomfortable . I am flexible , yes . But that doesn 't mean that my body always agrees with it . But I never feel it during sex . I only ever feel it after the fact . He asked me if I was okay . I told Him that I was great , it was just my lower back . So He worked on it for a few minutes and it felt a lot better . It was mainly just stiff . No comments : Yesterday I started putting up some things on e - bay for my dad . At one point I had to stop and get a hold of him to see what he wanted me to do as I had forgotten to obtain that tiny bit of information before we left . He told me he would get back to me Monday ( today ) . So I waited around , and around , and around . I didn 't hear anything and I figured that I would just keep waiting . Maybe something came up , etc . and so on . As a result I decided to get something else done . I had recently realized how much random paper work I had just . . well . . . everywhere . If it wasn 't in the folder , it was in the junk drawer . If it wasn 't in the folder or the junk drawer , it was in the safe . If it wasn 't in the folder , of the junk drawer , or the safe it was in random stupid as hell places . Why ? Because I hold onto every damn piece of paper that I think is important or at least might be important at a future time . I had just shuffled them around and shoving the paper work somewhere where I knew it wouldn 't be destroyed . I never went through them because I was either too tired from work or I didn 't feel like doing it on the weekends because damn it I wanted to relax . Master never touches any of it because that 's my job . I 'm " in charge " of such things . I 'm using the term " in charge " very loosely . Basically , it 's my task . Since I didn 't have anything better to do I did it today . I didn 't realize how big of a project it would turn out to be . Holy shit . I dug through all of the drawers , the safe , and the folder I keep for such things . I would say I was digging through nothing but paperwork for a good 30 to 40 minutes . And that was just trying to separate them into piles . This paper work is for x . . . this paper work is for y . . . this paper work is for z . . . and this is the " Why the fuck did I keep this ? ! " pile of paperwork . Lets just say that the " why the fuck did I keep this " paper work pile continued to grow the more I went through things . I had been sitting on the living room floor doing all of this and the dog was looking at me like I was nuts and seemed a bit confused as to why the hell I was on the floor and taking up all of " his space " . He thinks he owns the living room floor . * laughs * I couldn 't believe how random all of it seemed . For instance one of the piles of paper work that was actually important was pieced together from papers I had been keeping in three different places . Yeah . That was well organized . Pft . Finally I was able to make sense of it all and then put all the important paper work in neat little piles and putting them where they should be . Although the mountain of paper work that I have no idea why I kept wasn 't done with me yet . Oh no . Some of it had sensitive information on it that I now had to go through and tear off each damn piece of paper . Then once that was done I had to rip those up so that you couldn 't tell what the information was let alone what order they went in . Master was kind enough to help me with that part . I think he felt a little sorry for me after He saw how much I had just sorted out . Seriously though , the " why the fuck did I keep this " paper work pile ended up damn near filling a small garbage bag . That is insane . Master made fun of me for that . He told me that I am not a pack rat but that I am paper rat . I hold onto everything just in case . . . I found papers from 2009 that I didn 't need at all and had no idea why I was holding onto it . That 's pretty damn bad . And of course in the middle of doing all this paper sorting my dad sent me a text message with the information I needed for his e - bay stuff . That irritated me a bit because I was already in the middle of this little project of mine only to be reminded that I had quite a bit of stuff to do for him as well . I honestly don 't mind helping him out . I was only annoyed at the time . Not at him or that I am helping him . . . Just annoyed . Yes , all of this over paper work and e - bay . I eventually got to the e - bay stuff later as once I was done with the whole paper work situation Master had some important things He had to take care of on the computer , which is probably a good thing because I don 't think I would have been too patient while creating the listings at that exact point in time . Although I am glad that I got that done . It was way over due and it was important . I feel like I got something accomplished . Now it is all where it should be . All I have to do is stay on top of it now . No comments : I talked to my dad a little bit yesterday . I was looking for an update on my grandfather . He gave me one . . . it wasn 't a really good one but it wasn 't a really bad one either . I guess the nurse that goes out there talked to my dad and told him that Grandpa isn 't taking all of his medications and that the ones he is taking , he isn 't taking properly . So Dad talked to Grandpa about it and to make a long story short , Grandpa basically said that he 'll take the medications he wants to when he wants to . He then proceeded to say that it 's been 20 years since he lost his wife ( my grandmother ) and he misses her and all he wants to do is be with her . He 's tired . My dad told me that he isn 't going to shove the pills down his throat and that Grandpa has always been a very stubborn man and once he puts his foot down about something there is no changing his mind . My father is the exact same way . Grandpa is basically just doing what he has to and that is it . His mind and spirit are ready to let go but his body isn 't . It 's not like he isn 't going to take care of something drastic , which is why he went to the ER that one day . But I think that is more due to his religious beliefs . He doesn 't want to risk not going to heaven since he then wouldn 't be with Grandma . He did make sure that my father knows that he has a DNR in order . My dad wanted to let me know as well so I 'm not surprised by it . The nurse basically is saying that Grandpa will go sooner rather than later . She is stating within a month or two . That could be true or he could still be here this time next year . I don 't think he wants to be though . I think if he passed away tomorrow he would be happy . That may sound horrible , but it 's the truth . I was doing okay after the conversation . At one point I did break down a little bit . I cried . I wasn 't sobbing , but tears were rolling down my face . Master came over to me and held my hand until I calmed down a bit . I actually got myself under control faster than I normally do . The other part of the conversation while we were on the phone my dad had mentioned that he wanted to come up this weekend but his back wasn 't up to sitting in the car that long . Well shit . . I 've been wanting out of the apartment so that was a good reason to do so . Master and I went down there today . My dad had more things that he wanted to put up on e - bay , so we brought down the camera . Master took the pictures and I wrote everything down . I 'll be putting all of that up tomorrow . We didn 't get home until 6pm . That 's not late at all , especially given the fact that I haven 't been going to bed until 3am . I only went to bed at 2am last night because I was bored . But I wanted to keep it for tomorrow so I have something to do and also because I have to do some research on the items . It 's going to be a bit of process . It 'll take up a couple of hours tomorrow . We had a good time at my dad 's though . It 's good to spend time with my dad right now . My dad and I are very close . Not in a typical father / daughter relationship fashion but still . . . we 're close . He is more like one of my best friends that I can joke around with for hours at a time . That sounds weird doesn 't it ? Yes , yes it does . It 's going to be difficult for me when he moves out of state . I know I 'll still be able to talk to him whenever I want , but I won 't be able to take a short drive and see him whenever I want . I am very close to my parents . I am also very close with my mother , but it is more of a parent / friend mix of a relationship . My dad only really steps up to the parent role when it is needed . He has done that since I hit 18 . Once I became an adult he has wanted to be my friend more than my parent . Which is fine . I 'm used to it . I 'm not holding that against him at all . It 's just how he is . He is dead set on moving though . His back is too bad . He can 't handle the winters up here anymore . And where he would be moving their version of winter is closing down the city if there is a light dusting of snow and it doesn 't get nearly as cold as it does up here . We 'll be in the 20 's up here and they 'll have a 60 ° day . He was hoping to move before winter hits later this year , but he doesn 't think that is going to be possible . Also , with the recent developments with Grandpa he said he would feel guilty if he moved before he passed away . I can understand that . Master and I were joking around a bit yesterday . It turned to sex due to something we were watching . I honestly don 't remember what the fuck we were watching but I looked at Him and said , " So , am I getting laid later ? " His response was priceless . " Well , that depends on how slutty you dress later . " He then waggled His eyebrows and flicked His tongue at me . I had to laugh . He was only half joking though . I probably would have gotten fucked regardless , but I didn 't want to take the chance . * winks * I didn 't want to just throw on a piece of lingerie and call it done . I wanted to be at least be a little creative with it . Right before I took my bath I went into the bedroom and dug through everything to find the items I wanted to piece together . Once I had all of it I took my bath and then got dressed . I did some light make - up first . I put on some eyeshadow , which I hardly ever do , and put on some lip gloss . I don 't wear a lot of make - up and honestly hardly ever put it on unless we are going out on a date night or something . But I wanted to add that special little touch to it . I then put on a top that only covers my tits and even then it 's just barely . I tossed on a lace thong . It is an actual thong . It 's not crotchless or anything . I almost never wear underwear . I find it uncomfortable . But when I 'm wearing professional clothing I put some on . Why ? I 'm not sure . I just do . Anyway , I had recently purchased these . I bought them because they are lace and as a result do not bother me as much . In fact they are rather comfortable . I put them on because He had seen them on me when I undressed from the job interview I had and He had me spin around in just the thong and loved them . Once those two small pieces were on I put on leg warmers and heels . I pulled the bottom of the leg warmers over the top of the heels . When I walked out into the living room He was sitting at the computer with His back to me . I walked up behind Him and kissed the top of His head and rested my arms on His shoulders . He asked me why I was standing behind Him , so I stepped into His line of vision . The look in His eyes let me know that He more than approved . He smacked my ass and asked me what I wanted to do . I had walked over to the couch and sat down . I smirked and said , " Well if I said I wanted to fuck You would say no because You want me to stay like this for a while . " I don 't remember His exact response but either way it led to the bedroom . Apparently He didn 't mind jumping into bed right away . He told me to leave the heels on . ( Sometimes He wants me to take them off . ) I got comfortable and He came to bed and immediately pulled me to Him . He chomped down on my neck and grabbed my ass . He chewed on my neck for a long time , all the while rubbing His hand all over my ass . The thong was still on but I think He liked feeling that on me . He pushed me so that I was on my back . He started nipping the front of my neck as well . He commented on how easy it would be to make new holes in my flesh with His teeth . I whimpered but it got my juices flowing more than they already were . He pulled the top down and sucked , licked , bit , and chewed on my tits for a long time . As He was doing so I reached down and stroked His cock . I alternated between fulling stroking Him , just circling the head , gently running my fingers along His shaft , suddenly gripping Him at the base and just tried to keep it interesting and catch Him off guard as to what was going to happen next . By the sounds He was making it was working . He suddenly sat up , taking His cock out of my reach and told me to slide up . I did as I was told . He gently took my thong off , while I moved my legs up and did my best to assist Him without using my hands . He dipped down and ate me out . After I came He knelt up and motioned for me to suck His cock . As I was doing my best to please Him with my mouth He leaned over , forced my legs apart and ran His fingers across my ass and pussy , spreading my own juices everywhere His fingers went . Eventually He told me to stop and to get on my back . I again did as I was told , like a good girl . As soon as He entered me I lifted my right leg up , bending it at the knee so that He could go deeper . He groaned and nuzzled the side of my face . After a while I pulled my other leg up as well and bent it at the knee , wrapping my legs around Him . It didn 't take me long to feel the urge to cum starting to build up inside of me . I grabbed the heel of each shoe and pulled my legs up so my feet were up by the tops of His shoulders as He was laying on top of me . It 's a damn good thing I 'm flexible . He ordered me to cum . As I was in the middle of my orgasm , which seemed to go on forever , I felt His cock start to throb inside of me and heard that familiar growl start from deep within His throat , which just tipped me over the brink and His orgasm just made mine last longer . After we were done He told me to go ahead and get undressed . So , I probably had the entire outfit on for about 20 minutes before we started fucking and only the thong had been removed before we fucked . Now , some people may think it was pointless to get dressed up in the first place , but not me . He was extremely pleased as was I . I was pleased because He was , and that 's all that matters . No comments : Master has a large ego . * laughs * I know . . a Dominant having a large ego ? ! Surely you jest ! We joke about it all of the time . I tell Him that His ego is the size of the state we live in , if not larger . He tends to just nod His head and agree with me . Other times He 'll mockingly look offended by it . Ya know , cause He 's a smart ass . The reason this is being brought up is because of Sunday night . We were both pretty revved up . We were both in the mood for rough sex . That 's a pretty regular occurrence , obviously . What with His being a sadist and my being a masochist and all that . But this went a bit beyond the usual . This wasn 't just some kink pain . No , He was going for literally making my pussy hurt to the point where I started cramping . I don 't know if any other woman gets that or not . But I do . It doesn 't happen a lot , but it does happen . Normally He just wants to make me sore so that I 'm swollen and taking a sharp breath when He thrusts into me . But this time He was seriously setting out to make it hurt , and hurt a lot . He flipped me onto my stomach to start and knelt behind me . As soon as He was balls deep inside of me He moved His knees up so that they were against my hips . I don 't think He could have gotten any deeper without dislocating my hips . Immediately I hard to take in a very deep breath . It was very sudden and a shock to the system . I was wet , but not dripping wet just yet . Although that didn 't take long at all . And can I just take a moment and say how much I love the fact that He is clean shaven down there ? I still have the landing strip but my pussy lips are of course clean shaven . And for whatever reason it was just highly noticeable to me that night . The way everything was just sliding against the other was just . . . delicious . It mixed very well with the pain . He had grabbed my shoulders and was propping up His upper body while pinning me to the bed . It may sound odd that I was already in pain from being fucked that deep . He had basically " bottomed out " as soon as He moved His knees up , and each time He thrust His hips He was hitting that spot over , and over again . I loved it . He ordered me to cum several times . Of course , I got more sensitive with each orgasm . He allowed me one final orgasm before telling me that I was now His toy . As soon as that orgasm ended He rolled onto His side , making sure to pull me with Him so He never slipped out . He crushed my upper body to Him and had my legs sticking straight down and remained just as deep as He was when I was on my stomach . I was starting to cramp . It had turned from delicious pain to the very beginnings of my cramping . I didn 't say anything because I knew that He was aiming for that result . Maybe not the cramping part but definitely more than just my being sore . He knew I was starting to cramp . I mean , how couldn 't He ? Especially when He 's that deep inside of me . He asked me why it every time He makes me hurt like that I seem to want to coat His cock with my juices . Even though it hurt I couldn 't help but giggle a bit and say , " I guess because I 'm a sick bitch Master . " He chuckled one of His very dark chuckles and said , " No , what 's sick is how much I enjoy hurting you . " He asked me if it was starting to become a little too much . Before I could answer He followed up with telling me to be honest rather than trying to be a " bad ass " and prove that I could power through it . I told Him that yes , it was getting to be a bit much . So He took one of my legs and held it up a bit so He wasn 't quite as deep . It still hurt but the cramping stopped . It didn 't take long after that before He had my stomach again , but this time He had one of my legs straight back and the other one bent at the knee and out from underneath His body . He knelt behind me again as He pumped in and out of me . I began to beg for His cum . I begged Him to coat me where it hurt . He growled and pushed forward as far as He possibly could . I took in a sharp breath and my eyes went wide , but I enjoyed every single second , ever single pulse of His cock . Afterward He rested His lower body against me but kept His upper body propped up by His arms . He asked how I was doing . I simply said , " Amazing ! " He laughed and said , " I know I was . " See ! There is that ego ! Not that He was wrong . . . . but that 's not the point . * smirks * He playfully smacked me on the ass and rolled off of me . He held me for a little while afterward . I was cum drunk , that 's for damn sure . Have you ever been horny for absolutely no reason at all ? Nothing really triggers it sometimes . Today is a good example . We were just sitting around watching TV and once whatever episode of whatever show was done Master looked at me and asked me what I wanted to do . So I just took a few steps to where He was sitting , knelt at His side , wrapped my arms around Him and said , " I wanna fuck . " He shook His head and said , " I don 't even know why I asked . " He knows that sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks for absolutely no reason what so ever . And it had . So He told me to go to the bedroom and that He would be right there . I had just gotten comfortable when He walked in and got comfortable next to me . There are times where He bites me and it hurts like hell . It still hurts in a good way , but the pain is more of a shock to my system . And then there are times , like today , where it just causes me to moan and helps me float off into nothing but sensation . Everything else is pretty much blocked out . The sex was rough and deep . The only hiccup was when one or both of us moved and suddenly my clit hood piercing moved way wrong . Ow . It took me a moment to recover . It was not a good kind of pain . Master didn 't stop but He did make sure I was okay and moved so that there wasn 't any pressure on it . It didn 't ruin anything , thankfully . He allowed me to cum several times including when He was about to get off . Right before my orgasm hit me full force I felt His cock start to throb as His orgasm peaked , which just sent me over the brink . It was amazing . After we were done and we were laying next to one another I didn 't want to move except to stretch . Master had His arm resting against my stomach and I was just so damn comfortable . We stayed like that for about five minutes , then He told me to get up and go to the living room . I grumbled a little bit and He just chuckled and told me to stop pouting . Well , I got some good news today . . . or yesterday . . . whatever . I 'm making this post a little after midnight . I called unemployment to see if they had made a decision on whether or not I was approved for unemployment and I was ! I 'm honestly amazed at how nice people are on the unemployment assistance line . I don 't know why I thought they would be dicks but so far everyone I have talked to has been extremely helpful and pleasant to speak with . Last week was what they call a " wait week " , which basically means that I will not be receiving a payment for that week . It was my first full week of being unemployed . However , once I file my weekly claim this upcoming Sunday I should receive a payment early next week . That took a lot off of my mind . Last night I had gone to bed earlier than I have been since being fired and it was because my stomach was upset . I didn 't feel sick and I didn 't really understand why my stomach felt like it was doing flips so I figured I would just sleep it off . This morning when I woke up and after I called unemployment it dawned on me that it was because I realized I wouldn 't be getting a paycheck next Friday . Never mind I know that I 'm no longer working and have been sitting at home for the past two weeks . I 'm not sure why all of a sudden my brain decided to bring that to my attention . I told Master about it . He said I am to tell Him such things when they happen and I quickly explained that I didn 't even know why my stomach felt like that until this morning . He understood since that does happen to me from time to time . I hate that about myself but there isn 't much I can do about it . Since I have been fired I noticed that my inner night owl is in high gear . I haven 't been going to bed any earlier than 2am . The latest I 've stayed up is about 4 : 30am . I figure that I don 't really have any reason to go to bed at a half way decent time and Master is no longer enforcing a bed time since I no longer have a 45 minute drive waiting for me in the morning . I can do my job searches at any point , as well as apply to jobs , so there is really no need for me to get up at 6am every day . * shrugs * Then again I 'm not really sleeping in all that late given what time I 'm going to bed . And if I need to get up to do something I still set the alarm and get up . No biggie . I 've always said that I 'm a night owl and this just proves it . Oddly enough I 'm still hoping for a first shift job . I 'm applying to second shift jobs as well . I haven 't seen any third shift jobs that I would qualify for though . Other wise I 'd apply to those as well . Aside from running the errands that need to be done , doing the normal daily stuff , and applying to jobs I have just been trying to keep my mind busy . I have quickly realized that I don 't have any real hobbies . I never had time for them before . And now that I do have time I can 't really think of anything I want to do . Apparently I 'm rather fucking boring . Who knew . I read one of the books we have . We have quite a few actually , and there is one that I haven 't read all of the way . But I don 't really feel like reading it . In fact , once I was done with the one I just finished I didn 't really feel like reading any of the books we have . * shrugs * Not sure why . Really , the only " hobby " I 've had is coding and tweaking code . I don 't have anything to do that with except this blog . And I just tweaked some of the coding with this blog not that long ago . And I like the way it is . So . . . that 's out . Master doesn 't blog anymore and hasn 't for at least two years now . . probably longer . . . so there is no need to code anything for Him . There is no need for me to create a new blog as this one covers everything . As a result I 'm basically filling the free time I do have with watching things on Netflix and You Tube . I also check my social media stuff and play little mini games on my cell phone . Gas prices are high and since the income has now dropped significantly it 's not like I can just go for a drive and it 's not nice enough out yet to go for a walk or just sit outside . Even though I hate hearing our neighbors and there isn 't really much to do on the porch I would love to just sit outside for a while . I would also love to go on long walks with Master and our mutt . My dad did say that he wants to come up in a couple of weeks , so that will be something to break up the routine a bit . My brother also stated that he wants to come up sometime soon , he just doesn 't know when it will be feasible . My mother - in - law wants us to come down to visit but as I pointed out , the gas prices are not allowing that . My sister - in - law stated that I should enjoy the down time . I guess I see where she is coming from since I had been wanting an extended break from work , but not like this . And the stress levels are making it pretty impossible to actually enjoy the down time . I don 't really find being unemployed enjoyable . I know she meant well though . It 's not like I 'm mad about it or anything . I 'm officially 31 now . Hooray or something . I got a lot of happy birthdays on the social media site I 'm on . My mom called me to say happy birthday and a little later in the day so did my father . I got fucked as soon as Master woke up , so that was a nice morning quickie . The rest of the day , aside from phone calls , was pretty much uneventful . That is until we went out to dinner . We couldn 't quite afford the place we had originally been thinking of like I thought we could . But that 's okay . We went to a different one and the food was still really good and we had a good time sitting there talking for a while . We didn 't stay long after we were done eating , like we normally do . I had a pressure headache creeping up on me and I didn 't want it turning into a migraine . And of course I hadn 't brought any advil with me . Normally I have some in my purse . I still enjoyed it though . I got a back massage from Master while we were watching a movie and then I worked on His for a little while . So like I said it was rather uneventful but I still enjoyed it . I 'm not complaining at all . I am finding it harder and harder to find ways to keep myself entertained now that I 'm unemployed . It hasn 't even been a full two weeks yet . Well , tomorrow it will be . I 've been doing job searches , obviously . I 'm keeping track of them in an excel sheet for unemployment purposes . I haven 't heard anything from them yet . The lady I spoke to last week said it could take up to three weeks . But I have decided I 'm going to call once a week just to see what 's going on . I 'm not very good at sitting back and waiting to see how things pan out . I had to pay cash for my medication yesterday . I don 't have health insurance anymore , obviously . I 'm signing up for a program via the medicine manufacturer . But that won 't kick in for a while . I can 't afford to not take my pills . I don 't even know what kind of mess I 'd be . I don 't know if there is any kind of withdrawal from it since it is a drug that builds up in your system . I think my stress levels at that point would eat me from the inside . I was getting my medicine , when I had health insurance , from Walgreens . So I called them and asked them how much it would cost for one month in cash . $ 180 . 00 . Are you fucking serious ? This is for the generic for crying out loud . I would hate to know what they would charge for the name brand . My mom told to call the Pick N Save pharmacy to see what they charged . So I did . Yeah . . . hell of a difference . For the same fucking pills it was $ 25 . 00 for a month supply . Holy fucking shit . I transferred my prescription over there immediately . Like I said though I have no idea what kind of fresh hell I 'd be mentally put through if I didn 't have my medication . I think I 'd be mush at this point . I 'm dealing pretty well with the whole being unemployed thing and the stress that comes with it while on my medication . Don 't get me wrong , the stress is there . Believe me . But I 'm not letting it turning me into a sobbing mess in the corner of a dark room . I 'm okay actually . But without the meds I think I would literally not want to get out of bed . I don 't think I 'd have any motivation of any kind what so ever . That 's all guess work , but given how my I reacted to things in the past while depressed , I think that is a pretty accurate guess . Apparently the information we received from my uncle was wrong . When I got a hold of my father it was all straightened out . Yes , his heart beat was at 155 and they had to knock him out , shock him , and wake him up in order to get it regular again . His organs were not attacking themselves . His heart was enlarged and out of place due to the swelling . His insurance wouldn 't cover much more of a stay so he was sent home last Saturday . His neighbors are constantly checking in on him . Our family members call him several times a day . He has a nurse and a physical therapist going out there once a day . . . etc . . . His doctor did remind my father than his last surgery was 15 years ago , and at that time they stated that after that surgery they wouldn 't be able to do anything else . And they stand by that . From this point forward all they can do is what they just did ( shock his heart to get it to go to a normal rhythm ) or just make him comfortable . His body cannot handle another surgery . My dad says he has a really bad feeling deep down in his gut . He had this same exact feeling about three weeks before my grandmother passed away . At this point we can 't do anything but wait to see how Grandpa 's heart holds out . That 's all we can do so that 's all we 're doing . 4 comments : Tomorrow is my birthday . I 'll be 31 . Hooray . Seriously though I don 't care that I 'll be 31 . It 's no different than when I turned 30 , or 29 , or 28 . . . etc . I 'm not one of those girls who really cares about my age . I 'll say the same thing when I turn 40 . I don 't care . And I never really want anything for my birthday . Not that long ago my mother had taken me dress clothes shopping and counted that as part of my birthday present , which was awesome ! When she said " part of " I told her that she didn 't need to get me or give me anything else . I was more than happy with what she had just done . I figured that was that . No biggie . Well , over this past weekend I went down to visit her for a while . And of course she didn 't listen . She ended up giving me some birthday money as well . She stood there with the money in her hand and looked me in the eye as she said , " This is not for you to use for the household . This is not something to use for bills . This is for something you want . " Basically she didn 't want me to spend it on necessities . She understands that I 'm unemployed and all that but she also wants me to use the money for a little splurge as I never , ever do that . Even when I was working I never really bought anything for myself . That 's just how I am . I 'm so bad at spending money on myself ( unless it 's for a tattoo ) that I have literally been trying to figure out what the hell I 'm going to use the money on since she gave it to me . I 'm not kidding . I would think of something and then have to throw that idea away because it was something that fell under a need rather than a want . We went down to the store and tried finding a movie or something that I would like to watch and own . We couldn 't find anything . I would see something and go , " Yeah I liked the movie but not enough to own it . " Or it would be something I had never seen before and didn 't want to waste money on in case I didn 't like it . We came home empty handed . I apologized to Master for dragging Him out of the house when it was so cold out but He said it wasn 't a big deal at all . I apologize for some weird shit , let me tell ya . Normally it 's for something out of my control or something that isn 't my fault . I 'm fucked up like that . I was disappointed because I kind of felt like I would just end up spending the money on something needed for the household simply because I couldn 't think of a damn thing I wanted . And that would piss my mom off . And Master wouldn 't have been too happy about it either . Once we got home I finally figured out what I wanted . I wanted a date night with my Husband . It 's something I want and it 's something we haven 't done in a very , very long time . There aren 't any movies out in theaters that either of us want to see , so we 'll be just going out to dinner . It may sound stupid , but Master and I haven 't had a date night in I can 't tell you how long and I 'm not sure when we 'll be able to any time soon simply because of finances . So , using my birthday money for it makes perfect sense . We 'll probably go a little earlier than we would normally eat at home , like we normally do . And since it 'll be a Tuesday night it shouldn 't be very busy . I already picked out where we are going and Master seemed very pleased by it because He loves the restaurant . I 'm looking forward to it . Yesterday was the last day my insurance was valid so I was glad that I could squeeze in one last appointment with my shrink . We spoke about ways to keep my medication going without costing me an arm and a leg . He gave me some paperwork so I can contact the manufacturer of the medication . They have a program where you can get the medicine at no cost if you qualify . Well , since I just lost my job and I no longer have insurance , my shrink thinks I have a pretty good chance at getting it . He had already filled out his portion , which had to include a six month prescription . So now all I have to do is fill out my portion and mail it in . My shrink told me to come see him again in six months . He didn 't make a set appointment with me because we both wanted to see when I would find a job and have insurance kick in so we know what insurance is and is not going to cover . Basically he told me to call once it gets close to the six month and we 'll go from there . Master had read my blog post from two nights ago and He said He isn 't surprised by how well I 'm handling everything . He said He is proud of me though . That made me feel good . Even though I 'm not going to bed until about 3am each night I still have this feeling like I have to get up to go to work . For instance , it 's Saturday and I feel like I have to get up at 6am on Monday . Obviously I don 't . Hopefully it won 't stay like that for long . Hopefully I 'll have a new job in the very near future . I 'm tossing out my resume like it 's going out of style . I hadn 't heard anything from the place that I had an interview at on Monday . They had said they would have a decision by the end of the week . I was staring at my phone all day willing it to ring . Nothing . I was disappointed but part of me is still holding out hope . That may be stupid , but I don 't care . So last night I sent an e - mail to the person I had the interview with and basically thanked her for the interview and professionally inquired as to whether or not a decision had been made regarding the job . My mother had suggested that I called and asked , but I thought an e - mail would be better . It just seemed more professional to me for some reason . I guess maybe I feel that it isn 't as bothersome to the other person ? Also , I don 't have to worry about playing phone tag . I know this blog has been all about work , unemployment , etc and so on . But honestly that 's all that has been swimming around in my head since last Thursday . I 'm sure it 's boring to read but writing about it is helping me in a way . I guess it just acts as something to blurt it out on so I 'm not keeping it in my brain or sounding like a completely broken record when talking to people . Instead , I can be a broken record on my blog .

Dusty turned off the truck and got out . He went around back to lower the gate . He looked at his Great Dane , Herc , and shook his head at him . " I don 't know why I have to open this for you to get out ; you manage to get in there on your own . " The dog trotted across the truck bed and leapt to the ground . He ran around to the side of the house . Dusty walked after him and as he rounded the corner he saw the dog relieving himself on his favorite tree in the corner of the backyard . When Herc finished , he came bounding back to Dusty 's side . Dusty led him back around to the front door and into the house . He walked into the kitchen . There was a note from his mom on the refrigerator . I 'm probably going to spend the night at Jackie 's . Make sure you check on your grandmother in the morning before you leave for work . There is some baked chicken and pasta salad for you in the fridge . He went over and filled Herc 's bowl with food and refreshed his water as well . Then he went to the fridge and took out the chicken and salad . He decided that rather than heating up the chicken he would dice it and add it to the salad . He went about preparing his dinner as Herc devoured his . As he cut up the chicken , he would occasionally toss a piece to Herc . The dog would catch the chicken on the fly , even if he appeared to only be paying attention to his food bowl . Dusty sang quietly to himself while he prepared his dinner . He kept thinking of Zak and those thoughts brought a smile to his face . He could see himself easily falling in love with Zak . In Dusty 's eyes , Zak was beautiful . He had a smooth complexion , deep blue eyes that he could fall into and wavy blonde hair that was down past his ears . He was small , but Dusty was attracted to boys who were smaller in stature ; he wondered if it was because he felt a need to protect those who needed it . Zak was so smart and when he let his guard down , he was so funny . He knew he and Zak would have a lot of fun this summer . While he hoped that things between them would move towards romance , he was being honest when he told Zak they needed to take things slowly . He knew that Zak still had not come to embrace his sexuality and he didn 't want to push him into anything he was not ready for . Dusty sat down to eat his dinner , Herc resting at his feet . When he finished , he placed his dishes in the dishwasher . It looked full , so he loaded it with soap and turned it on . He slapped his thigh and looked at his dog . " C ' mon , Herc . Let 's go to bed . " The big dog jumped up and bounded up the stairs . Dusty shook his head as he watched the dog hit the hard wood floors on the second floor and slide halfway down the hall to Dusty 's room . No matter how old he got , the dog just could never remember that the floors were slippery . Herc sat outside of Dusty 's bedroom door waiting for him . Dusty opened the door and the big dog almost knocked him over charging into the room . Herc sat down and rested his chin on the bed . Dusty went over and sat on the bed and looked at Herc 's pleading eyes . " No , you 're not getting on the bed . " He reached over and ruffled Herc 's ears . " You are sleeping on the floor . " The dog sighed and went over to the corner of the room and lay down . Dusty chuckled to himself . He reached down and pulled off his boots and socks . The ripe smell of feet being trapped in leather all day assaulted his nostrils . " Oh , man ! ! That 's bad . " He stood up and slipped his jeans off and pulled his wife beater over his head . In just his jockeys , he walked into his bathroom . He sat on the edge of the bathtub and started running some water . He removed his jockeys and took the band that held his ponytail out of his hair . He adjusted the water temperature and let the water fill the tub . He liked a quick shower in the mornings , but enjoyed a long relaxing bath after working all day . When the tub was full , he slipped into it . He loved to get the water as hot as he could stand it and this time it was almost scalding . He took a moment to soap up a wash cloth and scrub his offensive feet . When he was satisfied that the scent of his bare feet would not gas the house , he leaned back and closed his eyes . The hot water felt so good and started relaxing his tired muscles . He would normally use this time to meditate , clearing his mind and trying to center himself . But , after the events of today , he found clearing his mind to be a bit of a chore . When he tried , his mind simply filled with thoughts of Zak . He was starting to realize that he had it bad for the younger boy . He hoped that Zak felt the same way . He had been in too many one - sided relationships and he was tired of it . He felt a connection with Zak that he had never felt before . He knew from the moment he saw him in Mr . Jones ' office that he was unlike any boy he had ever met . As his mind turned to the kisses they had shared , Dusty felt a stirring in his groin . Within moments , his dick was painfully hard . He reached down and grabbed it , slowly moving the foreskin over the head . He sat there slowly jacking off , images of Zak filling his mind . It didn 't take long for his orgasm to build . He was getting desperate for release , and then he came . He came stronger than he had in ages . He felt seven strong spurts release ; the first went over his head and decorated the shower wall ; the next two hit him in the forehead and chin ; the last ones painted his chest . He laid there as his breathing slowed down . If jacking off to thoughts of Zak could do this to him , what would actually making love to him be like ? He knew that it would be some time till he found out . He and Zak had agreed to take it slow and Dusty wanted Zak to set the pace since he was so inexperienced . He took the washcloth and wiped his face and chest . Dusty lay in the tub until the water became too cool for him to relax any longer . He stood up and grabbed a towel from the rack and started to dry himself off . He went over to the sink and grabbed a brush and started running it through his hair . Sometimes having hair this long was a pain , but he was so used to it now . He looked at his reflection in the mirror . He ran a hand over his chest , his fingers stopping at the small two - inch scar near his navel . Someday he would have to explain that to Zak . It was a souvenir from a time in his life he was not so proud of . He walked naked into his bedroom and went to his dresser . He pulled out a clean pair of jockeys and pulled them on . He grabbed his sweatpants off the chair next to the dresser and pulled them on too . He rummaged around his t - shirt drawer and finally decided on an oversized Mickey Mouse t - shirt he had gotten at Walt Disney World a few years ago . After spending the day in snug jeans and boots , Dusty loved nothing more than to lounge around the house in the baggiest clothes he could find . It just made him feel so comfortable . When he was finished dressing he went to the door , as he walked out of the room , he turned to Herc and said . " Stay off the bed , you knucklehead . " He closed the door and walked down to his grandmother 's room . His grandmother would only be with them a few more weeks . She lived in Nevada and came to visit several times a year , but missed her home too much to stay with them permanently even though Dusty 's Mother had invited her to on many occasions . He opened the door and entered the room . Even though she was only here a few weeks a year , his grandmother had made the room her own . It was so cozy . He had loved visiting with her here for as long as he could remember . His grandmother was standing at her dresser . On the dresser were an electric kettle and a tray with the makings she kept close for her teas . She was pouring the hot water into two mugs . She turned and smiled at him . " Ah , Sweet One , you got your friend home all right ? " " My Sweet One , you have such a big heart and a noble spirit . If this boy does not see that in you then he does not deserve you . " She turned back to the mugs and finished preparing their tea . She offered Dusty his mug . " Here , you drink this and you will get a good night 's sleep and be well rested for the morning . " Dusty accepted the mug and sipped the tea . He grimaced slightly , his Gram always tended to go overboard on the honey . He didn 't mind the tea , but he was not fond of it being so sweet . With Gram , tea was one of their rituals , so he sat down on the bed as she took her usual seat in her old rocker . They both quietly drank their tea . Gram continued to question him about Zak . He told her all about their day together and the way the animals reacted to Zak . Gram nodded . " I knew the Little One had a strong aura to him . His abilities are a match for yours . Together you two could accomplish a lot . " Dusty drained his mug and let out a big yawn . " Man , I must be more tired than I thought . " He stood up , placed his mug on the dresser and walked over to where his grandmother sat . He bent down and kissed her cheek . " I guess I better hit the hay , Gram . It will be another busy day tomorrow . " He turned to leave . " Good night , " he said as he walked out of the room . The sleepy dog raised his head and looked at Dusty . Dusty just shook his head . It was such as pain to have this moose sleeping on his bed ; it left no room for him . " Ok , if you are going to stay here , you need to move over . " Herc slid down to the foot of the bed . Dusty pulled back the covers and slid into the bed . He reached over and turned off the light . As soon as the light was out he felt Herc stretch out and lay his head on Dusty 's calves . " Oh , great , " he thought . " I 'm not going to be able to feel anything below my knees in the morning . Zak woke seconds before his alarm was to set to go off . He smacked the off button before the buzzer could screech at him and switched on the radio . He yawned and stretched his arms over his head . He had slept great and was really energized for the day . He looked back at the clock on his nightstand . He had about 30 minutes before Dusty was supposed to pick him up . He ran into his bathroom and started the shower . He hopped in and quickly washed up . He turned off the shower and stepped out to dry himself off . As he stood in front of the mirror brushing his hair , he wondered what his mom would think if he let it grow long like Dusty 's . It was already longer than it had been in a while , but given that Dusty 's hair was pin - straight and his had lots of waves to it , it probably wouldn 't look as good . His mom probably wouldn 't be thrilled by it either . But he 'd let it grow and see how it turned out . He walked back into his bedroom . He pulled a pair of briefs out of his dresser drawer and put them on . He grabbed another old pair of blue jeans and threw them on the bed . He rummaged through his dresser looking for a suitable t - shirt . In the bottom of the drawer he found an old blue sleeveless t - shirt . It was a little small for him , but he thought that it would show off more for Dusty . He laughed at himself . He didn 't spend this much time deciding what to wear for school and here he was putting all this thought into what to wear to a ranch . As he was about to start dressing , the weather report came on the radio . It was supposed to be unseasonably warm today . He thought about it for a second . Maybe he could convince Dusty to take him back to the lake for a swim . Planning ahead he stripped off his briefs and went to his dresser and grabbed one of his speedos . He pulled the bathing suit on and then got dressed . He pulled on his new boots , loving the fact that they had come from Dusty . He grabbed his cowboy hat that he had left hanging on the back of his door . He ran into the bathroom to take a look in the mirror . He didn 't even recognize himself . But something was missing . It took him a second to figure it out and then he ran back into his bedroom . He went to his closet and started flipping through clothes to find what he was looking for . Then he found it . An old denim jacket that one of his mother 's friends had given him a couple years ago . He had worn it once or twice , but never thought that it was his ' style ' . He pulled it on . It fit him perfectly . He ran back to the bathroom and the mirror : it was the perfect touch . Now he looked like a ranch hand . He grabbed his old backpack and threw two of the tubes of sunscreen that Dusty had bought into it . He ran into the bathroom and grabbed a couple of old towels and put them in the backpack as well ; just in case , he told himself . He threw the backpack over his shoulder and left the room . Kate was floored . The changes in Zak in just 24 hours were amazing . If spending one day on the ranch had this effect on him , she could only imagine what a whole summer would do . Though she wondered how much was the influence of the ranch and how much was Dusty 's influence . Zak had spoken non - stop about both all through dinner . She had no doubt that her son had a major crush on the older boy . From what she had seen of Dusty , he seemed like a very nice boy , but given Zak 's shyness and cautious nature , she only hoped that he did not get hurt . Kate stood up and grabbed a paper bag off the table . She handed the bag to Zak . " Here , I made some muffins for you to bring with you this morning . " A few minutes later Dusty 's truck came to a stop in front of the house . Zak stood up and ran over to the truck . As he climbed into the passenger seat he grinned at Dusty . " Good morning ! ! " " Probably . I know when I started working there , I was usually falling asleep at the dinner table . Between the hard work and the fresh air you get done in . Add in the sun during the summer and you can really get drained . One of the things you have to watch out for in the summer months is dehydration . Do you have a water bottle ? " " We 'll stop by Wal - Mart or one of the other stores at some point and get you a water bottle . Actually , if we go to the Tack shop we can get you one that you can attach to the saddle horn . It probably wouldn 't hurt to get you some saddle bags as well . It 's a lot easier to use those than a backpack . You can keep your sunscreen and other supplies in them . I also keep my carrot and sugar stash in there . Never know when you might need a bride . " They laughed . " Yes , she 's so used to getting up early during the week , that she refuses to let herself sleep in on the weekends . Sunday is the only day she always has off , so she uses it to get all her household chores done . So baking must have been on the list today . " They both laughed as they drove down the road . They continued their banter as Dusty drove them to the ranch . When they pulled up to the barn , Mr . Jones was waiting for them . He was a little surprised when they exited the truck looking like twins , in their jeans , denim jackets and boots . Actually , given their coloring they looked more like film negatives of each other . Mr . Jones was very happy that the boys had clicked so quickly . He was so proud of the changes in Dusty in the 5 years he had been coming out to the ranch . He had gone from a troublesome brat to a compassionate young man . He knew from his friend Jim that Zak 's problems were different from Dusty 's . But they stemmed from the same issue . Where Dusty dealt with his father 's death with anger , Zak dealt with his by withdrawing from the world . He was glad to see that Dusty was working his magic on Zak . Mr . Jones laughed . " I think she 's confused . She 's used to seeing you , Dusty , and then yesterday she got herself attached to Zak and now she doesn 't know which of you to run to first . " All three laughed . Zak walked over the Retriever and knelt down and ruffled her ears . " Silly , Ember . You can hang out with both of us . " Dusty nodded . " He 's one of the fastest learners I 've ever had , Mr . Jones . A couple of hours in the saddle and he was begging me to let him canter . And he got old Blaze going almost as fast as she used to . " " Well , that 's good to hear . Now , you boys will be on your own today . I 'm off to church for services and then I have to stay for a few meetings . I probably won 't be back until later this evening . Zak , if you or Dusty need anything he knows how to contact me . " " Oh , and Dusty , can you check in on Beauty every couple of hours or so . I think she 's still got a few days before the foal comes , but I still want to keep an eye on her . If anything happens , make sure you let me know . " Dusty laughed . " Let 's go through and do the feedings first . Then we can grab a bite and after that we 'll do the stalls . " Dusty explained to Zak that the lists in the feed rooms they had used for the evening feedings also listed the morning feedings . Dusty sent Zak to work in the furthest barn while he started in barn 2 . Splitting up they were able to finish the two barns quickly . They met up in the main barn . " That 's ok , some of the horses spend the night in the different paddocks or out in the fields and we 'll bring them in after we clean the stalls . Most of the ones who spent the night in their stalls will get turned out before we clean their stalls . Once we start on lessons and trail rides , we 'll keep a list of which horses we are going to need that day , that way we keep them close at hand . Depending on how intensive the lessons are most of the horses can be used for two or three lessons a day . But , we try to use them for only one trail ride a day . In desperate circumstances they can do two , but no more . " Zak turned and ran to other end of the barn . " Onyx ! ! How could I forget you , buddy ? " As he got to the stall Onyx stretched his neck over the stall door . Zak reached up and scratched the big horse 's cheek . " How are you this morning , Big Guy ? Did you miss me ? " Zak opened the stall door and went in to check the water bucket . " Pretty close to empty , good thing I 'm here , " he chuckled . Zak grabbed the bucket and walked out of the stall ; he turned to shut the stall door but in his excitement didn 't notice the latch didn 't catch . Dusty came around the corner to see Onyx walking out of the open stall door . He stopped and tried to get Zak 's attention . The last time Onyx got out of his stall , it had taken three of them several hours to get him back in . He was fast and slippery for such a big horse . If he could get Zak 's attention then maybe he could distract him long enough for Dusty to slip a halter on him . Dusty watched as Zak leaned over to turn off the tap , grabbed the bucket and turned around . It was too late now , Onyx was going to bolt and that would take care of this day . Dusty 's jaw dropped as he watched the scene unfold . Zak grabbed the bucket and turned back towards the stall , he stopped when he saw Onyx standing in the hallway right behind him . " Hey ! ! How did you get out ? " he asked the big horse . He put the bucket down on the floor and walked over to the horse . " You 're supposed to stay in there until I get your water and your breakfast . You know , Dusty calls Herc a goof , but I think you 're one too . " He reached up to pat Onyx 's neck and grabbed hold of a piece of his mane . " Come on ; let 's get back in that stall , before I get in trouble . " Holding just a small bit of Onyx 's mane , Zak led the big horse back to the stall . Once Onyx was in the stall , he closed and bolted the door and went back to get the water bucket . Dusty just stood there momentarily speechless . " A good guy ? ! ? ! " He laughed . " The last time that ' good guy ' got out it took me , Mr . Jones and Joe half the day to get him corralled . What did you do to that horse ? ! ? ! " Dusty couldn 't answer ; he walked up to Zak and wrapped his arms around him and gave him a huge hug . " That may just be the case , " he whispered in Zak 's ear . He kissed Zak on the cheek . " Why don 't you finish up here and I 'll meet you in the office ? " Zak went about finishing getting Onyx 's feed together and bringing it to the stall . He stood next to the horse , just resting his head on Onyx 's side while he ate . It was strange to him , the feeling this animal brought out in him . He loved playing with Ember and Herc . He had enjoyed his rides on Phoenix and Blaze and being around the other horses , but Onyx brought out a strange feeling in him . He felt like he had to protect him , that he saw something in the horse that no one else saw . How strange that he had been bullied for so long because of his size and here he was feeling like a protector to the biggest animal on the ranch . " That 's probably something you 'll never be able to answer . Just like you wouldn 't be able to put your finger on the ' why ' you love someone . You just do . You can rattle off someone 's good points or their best features , but at the end of the day , that 's why you ' like ' them . Love is whole different animal . If love was quantifiable and controllable , people wouldn 't keep falling in love with the wrong person . In Onyx 's case , it 's like he 's the bad boy and Mr . Jones and I are the parents who are telling you to stay away , but you can 't resist the pull . No one is right or wrong . No one says the ' bad boy ' doesn 't turn out good in the end . " Dusty picked up the paper bag and tipped it over ; a few crumbs fell onto the desk . " Well , that takes care of those . Tell your mom , she can make us muffins any time she wants . " " Nothing wrong with that , " Dusty answered . He rose from his chair . " Ok , let 's start with Onyx 's stall ; I can show you the basics of cleaning the stalls and then you can work on this barn and I 'll take the other two . I can usually finish them faster . " They walked back to Onyx 's stall . Dusty directed Zak into the stall . " Each stall has a ' back door ' that leads to a small paddock area . All three stalls on this side connect to the same paddock . We leave Onyx on this side to himself because he does not play well with others . " Dusty just rolled his eyes and laughed at Zak taking on the role of the big horse 's protector . " Ok , so what you want to do is just open that back door and he will usually head right out to the paddock ; if he is stubborn then you can just lead him out . Though most of the horses look forward to getting outside , so they are usually really easy to get out , it 's getting them back in that can sometimes be a chore . There is another list inside the feed room that will list who should stay in during the day and who can stay out . Sometimes , we 'll move them to one of the larger fields . Mr . Jones will usually update the list if we need to make any changes or as to what field he wants to use . " Zak went over to the back door of the stall and opened it . Onyx came over to him and put his head down . Zak reached up and scratched Onyx 's cheek . " You can go out and run around now , so I can clean up your stall , alright ? " The big horse looked at Zak and then walked calmly out into the paddock . Zak closed and bolted the door behind him . Zak went back to the hallway and found Dusty standing there with a shovel , a pitchfork and a wheelbarrow . Dusty spent the next half hour showing Zak how to clean out the stall , place the waste in the wheelbarrow and set fresh shavings on the stall floor . He also took Zak out behind the barn where they dumped the waste from the wheelbarrow . Zak wrinkled his nose when they came upon the huge pile of waste . " Oh , my God ! ! What do you do with all this shit ? " Dusty laughed . " A lot of it Mr . Jones uses in his gardens or he sells it to folks around town who do gardening . It 's natural fertilizer without all the chemicals and such . People who like to grow organically love it . They just back up a pickup truck and we load them up . " Dusty grinned . " I mean that every few days , ' we ' , that 's you and me , are going to have to shovel this stuff into someone 's truck . Well , actually we have a small tractor with a lift that we use to do it . " Dusty continued to laugh at Zak . " Ok , you go in and work on the stalls in the main barn and I 'll start over at the last barn and we 'll try to meet in the middle . I want to check in on Beauty too . Maybe if she holds out till next week , you can see her foal being born . " The boys headed off in separate directions to finish their morning chores . It took Zak about an hour to finish up in the main barn , in the same time Dusty was able to finish up the other two barns . As Zak walked out of the main barn , here was Dusty coming around the corner having just dumped his last load of manure . " I 'm all set in here , " Zak yelled to Dusty . " Do you need any help ? " Dusty replied , " No , I 'm all set in here . I just need to put the wheelbarrow back . Why don 't you go get Blaze and start getting her groomed and tacked up so you can get in some practice in the ring ? " Zak lit up . " Ok , " he said over his shoulder as he ran to Blaze 's stall . " Hey , Girl , " he greeted her . " Ready to give me another lesson ? " The little horse whinnied in response . Zak grabbed her halter and opened the stall door . He walked up to Blaze and petted her while placing the halter on her . He led her out of the stall and out to the grooming area . Dusty quietly watched Zak from the barn door . He grinned as he saw how meticulously Zak was doing everything . Zak carefully used the currycomb to bring up the loose and shed hairs and then took the stiff brush to brush her down . Dusty watched Zak take the hoof pick and raise each of Blaze 's hoofs and gently pick out the dirt and manure that would collect in them . Zak then took the hair brush from the grooming kit and brushed out Blaze 's mane and tail . He kept brushing them until they shined . Dusty was enjoying watching Zak work so carefully , it showed that he was really enjoying what he was doing and that he had paid attention to all Dusty 's instructions yesterday . Dusty stayed quiet wanting Zak to be confident enough to do this himself , while still being there to step in if the need arose . He watched Zak place the saddle blanket on Blaze 's back and then hoist the saddle . He wasn 't sure if Zak was going to be able to manage the saddle , but he did . Zak then tightened the cinch and made the T - tie that Dusty had shown him . Finally , Zak went to Blaze 's head and unhooked one of the crossties from her halter . He unbuckled the halter and removed it from her nose then re - buckled it loosely around her neck ; this gave him some control while putting the bridle on . Zak spoke quietly to Blaze while he put the reins over her neck and pulled the bridle up over her head . He took the bit in one hand and moved it against her teeth . She was being stubborn today , which was unusual for her . Dusty was getting ready to step in , when Zak slipped his finger into the gap between her lower teeth and Blaze opened her mouth . As Zak finished putting the bridle on , Dusty came out of the shadow of the barn door clapping his hands . Dusty walked around Blaze checking Zak 's handiwork . " I 've been watching you from the doorway . You did a great job . I thought I was going to have to help you with the bridle , but you remembered the trick I showed you . " Zak nodded . " Yeah , I was starting to get frustrated that she was giving me an attitude and then I remembered what you had told me about putting my finger there to get her to open her mouth . It worked and I didn 't get bit . " Dusty pulled on the cinch . " Everything looks really good . " He loosened the knot on the cinch . " You just want to get this a little tighter . On her this should wrap around a second time . When you do the T - tie , if there is this much of a tail left that will tell you that you can run it through again . But other than that it looks like you are ready to go , cowboy . " Zak grinned . He unbuckled the halter and hung it up next to the crosstie . He pulled the reins over Blaze 's head and led her towards the indoor arena . When they got in there , he realized it was getting a little warm . He stripped off his denim jacket . From behind he heard Dusty make a wolf whistle . He blushed and turned to Dusty . " Can you hold my jacket please ? " Dusty took the jacket and walked over to the rail and hopped up on the top bar . He just watched Zak lead Blaze around . The sleeveless t - shirt he was wearing was obviously too small for him . It clung to his torso like a second skin accentuating Zak 's slim body and tight musculature . He knew that Zak was a swimmer , but he was surprised that he was built so nicely . Zak turned to Blaze and double - checked to make sure the girth was tight enough . He put the reins over her head and then mounted up as Dusty had shown him the day before . He turned to Dusty . " Anything special you want me to do ? " " Just start her off at a walk to get her warmed up . Then I just want you to ride around the arena . You can do some circles , some figure 8s , whatever you want to do ; I just want you to get comfortable . " For the next hour , Zak rode around the arena . He moved Blaze in and out of different gates and ran her in different patterns . Dusty would occasionally give him tips or suggest a different way of doing something . After cantering around the arena several times , Zak rode over to the rail Dusty was sitting on . " Ok , what do you want me to try now ? " he asked . Dusty thought for a minute . " Let me get something set up and you can work on turning . You 're relying too much on the reins . " Zak frowned at him . " Zak , it 's not an unusual first - timer mistake . There are some people who 've ridden for years that are still too hard on the reins . The horses will appreciate you more if you develop ' soft hands ' . " Dusty jumped down from his perch and hung Zak 's jacket over the middle rail . He ran over to one corner of the arena and rolled out a barrel . He placed the barrel in the middle of the arena and upended it . He then ran back and got a second barrel that he similarly placed at the other end of the arena . He went back and placed a third barrel between the first two make a triangle . He then walked back to where Zak waited with Blaze . " Why don 't you hop down for a second and I 'll show you what I want you to do . " Zak quickly dismounted . Dusty went over to Blaze and adjusted the stirrups on the saddle to accommodate his longer legs . He mounted up and said to Zak , " This is a barrel race pattern . I want you to do a complete circle around each barrel and then ride back here . I 'm going to do it at a walk , trot and canter . Watch my hands . You want to be gentle on her mouth , use your outside leg . " Zak had a puzzled look on his face . " Use the opposite leg from which way you want to turn . If you want to go left , apply pressure with your right leg and vice versa . The horse is responding by moving away from the pressure , just like you kick or apply pressure to get her to go faster , she 's not responding to the pressure , she 's responding to the release of pressure . Here , watch . " Dusty kissed at the little horse and applied a small amount of pressure with his calves . He walked Blaze around the barrels keeping his arms level and his tension on the reins minimal . After he walked it , he repeated the pattern at a trot and a canter . Finally , he yelled to Zak , " Want to see how it 's really done ? " Dusty kicked the little horse and she took off . The boy and horse took the barrels so fast Zak was impressed . He knew Dusty was a great rider , but he had no idea anyone could be so coordinated and agile on a horse . Dusty finished the pattern and headed straight to where Zak stood , reining in Blaze inches from him . " Whoa , girl . " " Oh , yeah . She 's still pretty fast , but she 's lost some off her top speed and she 'd go faster with someone lighter . She 'd probably fly with you , but for today I want you to take it at a walk a couple times , then a trot ; if you feel comfortable you can try it at a canter . I want to you concentrate more on your hands and leg cues than the speed . " Zak climbed back into the saddle and spent another half hour running the pattern . He was starting to see the difference in Blaze 's sensitivity to the leg cues . He changed up the pattern a couple times so that he could be sure that he was the one directing her and she was not just going through the motions on memory . Feeling confident , Zak did one final run at a canter and then reined up right where Dusty was standing . Dusty hugged him back . " Well , you 're making this easy . You 're helping me cuz you are paying attention and listening to everything . If some of my students paid half as much attention as you , they 'd be show - ready a lot sooner . " They stood there in each other 's arms for a few moments . Dusty looked into Zak 's deep blue eyes and couldn 't help himself . He leaned down and kissed Zak . Zak responded by melting into Dusty 's arms . They stood there and tongue wrestled for a few minutes and then pulled apart . " Well , it 's about time for lunch . Are you ok taking care of Blaze ? There 's a little convenience store about 10 minutes down the road that has a little deli counter . I can go get us some subs while you put Blaze up . " " Sure , I should be ok . " He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone and handed it to Dusty . " Why don 't you put your number in there just in case I need to call you with a question ? You might as well put your home phone in there too . " Zak led Blaze out of the arena and spent the next half hour removing her tack and hosing her down . He put her back in her stall and ran to the nearest feed room to get some carrots they kept in the small refrigerator they had in there . He laughed as the little horse took the carrots from him . He gave her a last pat and walked out to the front of the barn to wait for Dusty . Seeing no sign of Dusty , he decided to walk around the barn and check on Onyx . When he came to the small paddock where Onyx was grazing , the big horse saw him and trotted over to greet him . Zak climbed up to the top rung of the fence . He sat on the fence with his legs dangling over . Onyx came over so his body was between Zak 's legs . Zak reached out and placed his hands on either side of Onyx 's head . He leaned down and kissed the big horse on the nose . " How 're you doing , Big Guy ? " Onyx moved forwards so his head came to rest on Zak 's thigh . Zak laughed and petted and scratched under his mane . He looked at the horse 's sleek back level with him and thought how easy it would be to just slip a leg over Onyx 's back . Who would know ? Onyx trusted him , maybe even loved him as much as he was starting to love the horse . It would be so awesome to ride the big horse . Dusty wouldn 't know . He leaned forward and placed his feet on the second plank of the fence . He balanced himself with all his weight on the hand he left on the top plank . His other hand rested lightly on Onyx 's back . He was now just one move from riding ' his ' horse . He leaned a little more forward placing a small bit of weight on Onyx 's back . He took a deep breath and steadied himself . Authors deserve your feedback . It 's the only payment they get . If you go to the top of the page you will find the author 's name . 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As though living in a prison . Her life always got ordered around , foods and clothes that 'll never changed , needles and drugs that always beside her became her ' loyal friend ' in that prison , and not to forget there were people dress in all whites that always passing through her bedroom . Still , there were some convenient to this prison , in her room there 's a comfy bed , a clean bathroom , and also TV . That prison is what we called a hospital . " I spent all my life in in this prison - like place … I don 't know what life outside this place is . I don 't know what ' reality ' is … even though I lived inside it . " She thought to herself while strolling through the corridor . " it seem that it 'll never change … that 's kind of like living no life at all . Hmm … that 's sucks . " Without saying anything , the guy smoked his cigarette ignoring what the people around him were saying . But suddenly , a hand came flying in front of his face , smacking him on the face and his cigarette as well the full pack got stolen . Confused he only saw the figure escaped outside the room . When midnight came , Sera went out of her room and strolled down the hall . The hall at night was quiet than in the day . There 's only the sound of clock ticking and her own footsteps . When Sera arrived at the room that the guy stayed , she tiptoed inside . She saw the guy was only looking at the ceiling , so she crept to the left side of the guy 's bed . And when he changed his position , he was surprised . Without any further talking , the guy pulled out a cigarette and a lighter from the drawer beside his bed . He put it in his mouth and began to light it . Sera was watching him very seriously . When the cigarette light up , he started to smoke and exhaled it exactly in front of Sera 's face that made her coughing bad . " Honestly , I don 't know why you want this . Smoking is really bad for you and your lungs . It will turned it pitch black , you know that ? " They stayed in silent for a while , until the guy gave the courage to ask her why did she said that . For the first time , Sera 's willing to tell someone that she 's going to die . What illness that she had and how much time she had . Sera had an illness called a Cardiac Sarcoma or a heart tumor . It 's a rare kind of tumor . As well as , she could only wait for her time to run out . Hearing that Sera remembered her to - do list . She smiled to the guy and whispered that she wanted to see the ocean . Amazed by her , the guy laughed because it sounded so cliché . Not minding his words , she laughed along with him and she continued to tell her to - do list . Such as , she wanted to ride an open car , she wanted to fall in love and had her first kiss , and others " I can 't go , that 's impossible ! I 'm sick . My doctor and parents wouldn 't let me . " Sera clenched her hands . Her heart was beating so fast , she wanted to go so bad , but in the same time she 's scared . The guy only looked at her flat . " So ? You 're just sick and you 're still alive . When you die , can you move ? Can you walk ? No . But , if you 're sick , like now . You still can move , right ? You can walk . Use your chances while you can . As simple as that . " Still looking at her straight in the eyes . " For your whole life , you 're here . Aren 't you tired ? You don 't want to see the world ? " Like she was slapped by those words . It was her thought all along that she wanted to leave the hospital and see the world . She clenched her hands tighter as she made up her mind , she nodded . With relieved the guy smiled and pulled her again outside the place . " What do you think heaven look like ? " Sera stared off looking to the sky . " Is it similar to the sky ? With lots of blue and clouds ? Or something else " Sera could feel the wind breeze stroking her cheeks . Morning came and they already half way to the sea riding an open car . Sera closed her eyes and could still see the light , feeling the wind and the smell of fresh air running through her face . She raised her hand high , while tickling her hand , she felt the wind through her fingers . " That 's not ' borrowing ' … that 's stealing . What do we do ? What if the police find out ? What if we 're going to jail ? " Sera started panicking . But , Grey only laughed . Sera didn 't gave a respond , she 's pouting . She knew from the start that Grey was that worst kind of a guy , that 'll do as he pleased . But , the last word he said was true . They started to enter the big city and decided to take a detour . Grey stopped the car at a gas station , he started to fill the tank while he went to the restroom to take his meds . When he went back to Sera , the girl 's panicking because the employee asked for the money . So , Grey lied that he said he forgot his wallet , but the employee got suspicious and said that he would call the police . Sera started to rummage the car and she found a gun . She pointed it out to Grey and asked him what it is . He thought an idea to point it to the employee and to steal some money from the cashier . And he did . After that , they went into a fashion store . Sera and Grey went around to see something that looks good on them . After they 've finished shopping , Sera saw that Grey used the money that he stole to pay the clothes . Later , they walk to find a place to stay . When they nearly at the hotel , Grey collapsed with uncontrolled breathing . Sera 's panicked and she 's stuttering not knowing what to do . But , Grey grabbed a tube from his pockets containing pills and immediately eat some . Slowly , his breathing returned normal . Afterwards , they went to the hotel . Grey returned to his usual self , but Sera 's not . The she gave the courage to ask him . " I 'm going to die soon … cause I have brain tumor . " He added . " Even the doctor said that the only thing I gotta do is just to wait … " " I understand ! I want us both to go there , no matter what . I want our freedom to come . And the only thing I know now is that me and you , we 're both still breathing , even tomorrow we 'll live ! " Sera said after to break the silent , hugging him . Sera slowly opened her eyes , the ceiling of the room that she stayed at was the first thing she saw . Then , she sat up to find Grey besides her still sleeping . She grabbed a remote on the mini table on her left and turned on the TV . When the TV 's on , the first thing she saw was Grey 's picture and hers , the police were on to them . Grey woke up after heard that his named was on the news . They looked at each other as always and laughed their hearts out . They 've never felt like that before in their entire life . What could be better , they stole a car , pointed a gun at someone , robbed a cashier , the police were chasing them and they got out from the place safe and sound . Hours passed after that , they 'd arrived at some leftover from a festival , with lots of trash , there 's still some tent , amusement games and a stage . They got off to take a detour again , because they 're already near the ocean . Grey held Sera 's hand and asked her to follow him to near the stage . Then , he stand in front of the stage facing Sera . " I … really want to be a traveler ! You know , going around to different places . " He shouted . Seeing that Sera smiled , but she saw that Grey wasn 't smiling . " But … what did I get ? " He said with his head looking down . " This illness … that gnawing my life away . " He added , before his body collapsed to the ground , unconscious . Sera 's smile faded in a flash when she saw Grey collapsed . She ran to him . She 's shaking him and calling his name , but there 're no answer . She called over and over but still no answer . Sera cried , trying to find someone there but there 's no one . Then , she remembered the pills Grey took yesterday . She rummaged Grey 's pockets , only to find that the pills ran out . Without any more thought , she ran to find a drug store . After finding one , she immediately asked the employee about the pills . Even though , the employee said that they had it , the employee couldn 't gave it to Sera . Because , the pills is a strong kind of drugs that weren 't used for easily . Sera begged , but he still wouldn 't agree . So , again without thinking , Sera pulled out the gun that she brought with her and pointed it out to the employee . But , with her panicking and all , she accidently pulled the trigger . " Please … please , wake up . " She started to cry , hugging Grey that didn 't moved even an inch in her arms . " I 'm begging you , open your eyes . " Grey 's finger moved a bit and he regained his consciousness . His vision went back and slowly he saw that the person whose voice he heard was in front of him . Sera felt relieved to see that Grey regained conscious . But again , tears fell from the guy 's eyes . " I 'm scared . I 'm really scared … I don 't want to die ! " As he hugged Sera tightly , he 's starting to get terrified of dying . Sera cried with him , she couldn 't say anything other than returning the hug and lending Grey her shoulder . Because , she never experienced what he had . And for the first time , Sera thought that she wanted to live . For the both of them , there 's only ' this moment ' . " It 's fine … and thank you . " Grey said while petting Sera 's head . " Before reaching our destination . I won 't die . " He said firmly . Sera only answered with a weak nod . " I really am afraid … I don 't want to die . " He said like he 's in a lot of pain . Suddenly , he felt a hug and a peck on his right cheek . When their eyes met , they laughed . He was quiet surprised . " There 's nothing to be afraid anymore , huh … " Grey bends his body and kissed Sera , making the girl 's face red , seeing that he laughed again . Then , they continued to play in the sand . The sun was going down , feeling tired the both of them sat beside each other while holding hand . When Grey drank some water , his hand couldn 't move and his vision suddenly went black . His head slowly fell to Sera 's shoulder . Seeing Grey , Sera 's tears poured down . She knew that the guy beside her already went ahead ' leaving ' her . Still , her tears won 't stop and her grip tighten around his hand . But then , she smiled because she knew too that soon she 'll follow him . The next day , my mother went to the doctor but the doctors still can 't detect what the disease is because the lump is small size . When the doctor checked it , the lump was pressed by the doctor so hard and makes my mother felt tremendous pain . The doctor even diagnosed that the lump came from the teeth , whereas my mother never had a problem with her teeth never feel a toothache because my mother always keeps her teeth healthy . Since we were still not satisfied with the doctor 's explanation , we drove mom to go to the dentist at Cideres Hospital , and her molar teeth revoked , after being revoked somehow the dentist said that there was no problem with her teeth . It was so strange , so for what her tooth removed if there were no problems with her teeth . Then , the doctor suggested being injected with biopsy . A few days later , my mother went to Siti Maryam Hospital for a biopsy injection . When she arrived home after from the hospital , my mother instantly limp . Which made me want to cry , I saw her mouth become tilted and constantly salivate in large quantities . Mom could not talk , she just cried . Then I tried to ask her , Mother just shook her head slowly . Maybe she could not lie down because of the incessant saliva out of his mouth . My sister and I were confused not knowing what to do , we can 't bear to see her situation . We only sit beside our mother . Then I went to the next room , I saw my father was daydreaming . Maybe he can 't bear to see the mother with such circumstances , visible from the expression of his face sadness but he was try as strong as holding back tears . Honestly , my heart hurt so much I was afraid something might happen . At that time , it has been known what illness my mother was suffering . I still cannot believe until now that she had stage three nasopharyngeal cancer . Nasopharyngeal cancer is a type of cancer that grows in the back cavity of the nose and behind the ceiling of the oral cavity causing swelling of the lymph nodes in the neck . At that time , the mother 's appetite is really reduced may be the cause he was not able to chew food so just want to eat porridge baby that dilute just to be swallowed . No intake of food that causes her body weakened . At that time my mother was treated at Hasan Sadikin Hospital Bandung . The doctor at the hospital Hasan Sadikin Bandung once asked my father what her favorite food , and then my father replied that mothers love to eat salted fish and tape . The doctor said it 's one of the causes of nasopharyngeal cancer . Looks trivial indeed but this is quite serious to note , maybe the salted fish that often consumed by my mom containing formalin and according to doctors are also not good to eat salted fish and tape let alone consumed continuously . This month may be the month that I think is both the happiest and the most miserable . Because I have to leave my family . At that time I had to go to Jatinangor because it was accepted to be a student of Faculty of Art Universitas Padjadjaran . I am happy because it is my dream to study at Unpad and my mother is very happy to know that I am accepted in Unpad SNMPTN line . But I 'm afraid I still can 't rely on my sister who is still in junior high school . Without me , she would have trouble taking care of my mother and my little brother who are still in elementary school . Because my father had to work from morning to evening for my mother 's medical expenses . My father who was just a donut seller overwhelmed with my mother 's expensive medical expenses . Fortunately , at that time the treatment was helped by BPJS and also the help from my father 's brother . When I went to Jatinangor , I was picked up by my friend . I left with my two friends escorted by her parents . When they picked me up after saying good - bye to my mother , one of my friends asked me , " It 's okay , I ask the same prayers all hopefully my mother can be healed and given the best by God . " " Aamiin " they said in unison . And then my friends hug me . Ever since I lived in Jatinangor , I always came home once a week to keep my mother at home even while in the hospital . I always try to focus on my lecture but my mind is always on my mother . Our plan , my mother will be taken to Darmais Cancer Hospital in Jakarta . But my mother 's circumstances are not possible to take on a long journey . While waiting for my mother 's rather strong state , my mother was taken care of at my grandmother 's house . All the medical equipment was brought to my grandmother 's house , the mother of my father . Because if in the hospital we are less free to care for the mother . After a week at my grandmother 's house , my mother 's body had shown good health . However , all of a sudden , mbah that is the mother of my mother asked us to bring my mother to mbah 's house . I already had a bad feeling at the time . But my dad thinks maybe mbah regrets all his actions to my mother in the past and wants to take care of her . Because mbah is always vicious to my mother , although she is her biological mother . It turns out after a few days at mbah 's home , do not know why mom never want to eat , his body condition deteriorated . My mother 's family blamed my father , saying that the cause of the sick mother was my father . I do not know what else to do . Actually , I 'm disgusted with them . From childhood , I always saw mbah cursing my mother without me knowing the obvious reason . My mother always cried hugging me . I do not understand what 's on her minds , my good mother is always wrong in her eyes . But the other child who always doing wrong always defended by mbah . Fortunately , as a child , my mother was cared for by her grandmother and grandfather , the parents of her biological father . Because they feel sorry for my mother being tortured by her stepfather , her mother and her four siblings do not care about it . As always , I go back to Majalengka once a week . In late October , my mother was admitted to Majalengka Hospital . It seems it is not possible to go to Darmais Cancer Hospital Jakarta because of its very worrying situation . I still remember very clearly that her body was very thin and seemed only skin and bone remained , her face was shaped skull flesh around the cheek , the lump on her neck had broken so that her neck was perforated and had to wear the gauze and even then must be changed every hour because bleeding and odor , from the hole neck always out blood . My God , my feeling tells me that my mother 's age is not long but on the other hand I really hope there is a miracle if my mother can heal . I always hold back tears when I was with her all day . I 'm afraid my mom is sad to see me crying . I always wait when maghrib time arrives , because after the maghrib prayer I can take turns with my father to keep the mother . After the maghrib prayer , I can complain to God all my complaints . It was then that after the maghrib prayer I took my siblings to the hospital to meet my mother . Then they hugged her and held her hand . The three of us could no longer hold back the tears of seeing my mother who was so patient against her illness had never complained at all . I ventured to talk to my mom . " Mom , this is de Hilmi and teh Nida , they said they missed you so much . " Mom opened her eyes and smiled . My mother was crying and her hand was trying to reach the three of us . Then mom said less clearly and stammered . " Teh , please take care of your siblings . Your college hopefully running smoothly . Mom is okay , mom already does not feel pain just don 't have to think about me . Teh Nida and de Hilmi do not be naughty must obey to teh Hana . " The three of us cry and continue to cry . " Please don 't talk like that mom , it makes teh Nida so sad , you must be sure you will recover . " Said my sister sobbed while stroking mother 's hand . Actually , my mother 's body if stroked a little pain extraordinary but he let my sister stroked his hand . My little brother who did not want to far away from mother incessantly cried until finally he was picked up by my father for fear of disturbing other patients . When I came back to Jatinangor I always thought of my mother 's words . He said that he didn 't feel any pain anymore . All I know is that a person who is seriously ill suddenly does not feel the pain of her end is near . What if my mother really went away , I was scared . But I always try to strengthen myself , I must be sincere with the will of God . I must be ready because the risk of being the oldest child should be ready with everything that happens . I take a slow breath , immediately agreed and then hurriedly shower and get ready . With tears , I said goodbye to my friend . He hugged me and said , " It 's okay do not be sad whatever happened has become God 's will . You have to be strong . " I just nodded and smiled at her . At about 9 am I arrived home , we immediately went to the hospital . Arriving at the hospital , I went straight to where place my mother . There 's also mbah and aunt who is a sister from my mother . I held my mother 's hand , I cried to see the situation . Mother just closed her eyes may have been unconscious . Really I was very emotional at the time . My family relationship was never good with my mother 's family . Since my mother was sick , they always told me to quit college . My mother told me not to be affected by them . They never help us in spite of the slightest effort . Suddenly they come and say things like that . I do not think it 's worth it . I hold a grudge against them because they always make my mother suffered . Usually , I can be patient and cry clandestinely , but for some reason , at that time I dare to against them . The people in the hospital saw us . I immediately ran to hug my father who is administering the administration . My father already knew what made me cry , he just wiped my head . Doctors and nurses that most of my neighbors already know with their bad nature . Then the doctor calmed me down , " Do not cry neng , do not be served those like that . Later they will get the karma . " I nodded and remained crying . Then my mother was taken home by the car we were carrying . My dad , my sister and me are holding mom in the car . I will not let go of my mother 's hand . " Mom , " My mother opened her eyes but just looked at the ceiling of the car as if there was something there . Along the way , we all said " Allah . . Allah . . Allah " so that my mother followed us . Alhamdulillah my mother can follow her although less clear because her tongue was short . Arriving at home , my mother was laid by my father in bed . At that time my mother had time to speak but only said " Thirsty " . We gave her water and her eyes always looked toward the door as if there was something there . The big family has gathered , we all say " Allah . . Allah . . Allah " my mother still followed us . Suddenly my mother fell asleep , for some reason I always pay attention to her breath , The rhythm of his breath is slow and finally stop . About half past 1 pm my mother died , we still didn 't believe it . We were crying but not sobbing . We apologized in her ear . I immediately hugged my siblings . Fortunately , my younger brother who most did not want away from my mother can handle his emotions , he was crying but still calm . I pity his age is still 8 years . I hugged him and said , " De Hilmi , do not cry it will make mothers sad . There is still teh Hana , teh Nida and dad . A boy must be strong . " My brother wiped her tears of unrelenting eyes . Then I took her out of the room . We all have sincerity with the mother 's departure . I 'm sure God loves my mother very much . I always pray for my good mother to be placed in His Heaven . The next day , my mother went to the doctor but the doctors still can 't detect what the disease is because the lump is small size . When the doctor checked it , the lump was pressed by the doctor so hard and makes my mother felt tremendous pain . The doctor even diagnosed that the lump came from the teeth , whereas my mother never had a problem with her teeth never feel a toothache because my mother always keeps her teeth healthy . Since we were still not satisfied with the doctor 's explanation , we drove mom to go to the dentist at Cideres Hospital , and her molar teeth revoked , after being revoked somehow the dentist said that there was no problem with her teeth . It was so strange , so for what her tooth removed if there were no problems with her teeth . Then , the doctor suggested being injected with biopsy . A few days later , my mother went to Siti Maryam Hospital for a biopsy injection . When she arrived home after from the hospital , my mother instantly limp . Which made me want to cry , I saw her mouth become tilted and constantly salivate in large quantities . Mom could not talk , she just cried . Then I tried to ask her , Mother just shook her head slowly . Maybe she could not lie down because of the incessant saliva out of his mouth . My sister and I were confused not knowing what to do , we can 't bear to see her situation . We only sit beside our mother . Then I went to the next room , I saw my father was daydreaming . Maybe he can 't bear to see the mother with such circumstances , visible from the expression of his face sadness but he was try as strong as holding back tears . Honestly , my heart hurt so much I was afraid something might happen . At that time , it has been known what illness my mother was suffering . I still cannot believe until now that she had stage three nasopharyngeal cancer . Nasopharyngeal cancer is a type of cancer that grows in the back cavity of the nose and behind the ceiling of the oral cavity causing swelling of the lymph nodes in the neck . At that time , the mother 's appetite is really reduced may be the cause he was not able to chew food so just want to eat porridge baby that dilute just to be swallowed . No intake of food that causes her body weakened . At that time my mother was treated at Hasan Sadikin Hospital Bandung . The doctor at the hospital Hasan Sadikin Bandung once asked my father what her favorite food , and then my father replied that mothers love to eat salted fish and tape . The doctor said it 's one of the causes of nasopharyngeal cancer . Looks trivial indeed but this is quite serious to note , maybe the salted fish that often consumed by my mom containing formalin and according to doctors are also not good to eat salted fish and tape let alone consumed continuously . This month may be the month that I think is both the happiest and the most miserable . Because I have to leave my family . At that time I had to go to Jatinangor because it was accepted to be a student of Faculty of Art Universitas Padjadjaran . I am happy because it is my dream to study at Unpad and my mother is very happy to know that I am accepted in Unpad SNMPTN line . But I 'm afraid I still can 't rely on my sister who is still in junior high school . Without me , she would have trouble taking care of my mother and my little brother who are still in elementary school . Because my father had to work from morning to evening for my mother 's medical expenses . My father who was just a donut seller overwhelmed with my mother 's expensive medical expenses . Fortunately , at that time the treatment was helped by BPJS and also the help from my father 's brother . When I went to Jatinangor , I was picked up by my friend . I left with my two friends escorted by her parents . When they picked me up after saying good - bye to my mother , one of my friends asked me , " It 's okay , I ask the same prayers all hopefully my mother can be healed and given the best by God . " " Aamiin " they said in unison . And then my friends hug me . Ever since I lived in Jatinangor , I always came home once a week to keep my mother at home even while in the hospital . I always try to focus on my lecture but my mind is always on my mother . Our plan , my mother will be taken to Darmais Cancer Hospital in Jakarta . But my mother 's circumstances are not possible to take on a long journey . While waiting for my mother 's rather strong state , my mother was taken care of at my grandmother 's house . All the medical equipment was brought to my grandmother 's house , the mother of my father . Because if in the hospital we are less free to care for the mother . After a week at my grandmother 's house , my mother 's body had shown good health . However , all of a sudden , mbah that is the mother of my mother asked us to bring my mother to mbah 's house . I already had a bad feeling at the time . But my dad thinks maybe mbah regrets all his actions to my mother in the past and wants to take care of her . Because mbah is always vicious to my mother , although she is her biological mother . It turns out after a few days at mbah 's home , do not know why mom never want to eat , his body condition deteriorated . My mother 's family blamed my father , saying that the cause of the sick mother was my father . I do not know what else to do . Actually , I 'm disgusted with them . From childhood , I always saw mbah cursing my mother without me knowing the obvious reason . My mother always cried hugging me . I do not understand what 's on her minds , my good mother is always wrong in her eyes . But the other child who always doing wrong always defended by mbah . Fortunately , as a child , my mother was cared for by her grandmother and grandfather , the parents of her biological father . Because they feel sorry for my mother being tortured by her stepfather , her mother and her four siblings do not care about it . As always , I go back to Majalengka once a week . In late October , my mother was admitted to Majalengka Hospital . It seems it is not possible to go to Darmais Cancer Hospital Jakarta because of its very worrying situation . I still remember very clearly that her body was very thin and seemed only skin and bone remained , her face was shaped skull flesh around the cheek , the lump on her neck had broken so that her neck was perforated and had to wear the gauze and even then must be changed every hour because bleeding and odor , from the hole neck always out blood . My God , my feeling tells me that my mother 's age is not long but on the other hand I really hope there is a miracle if my mother can heal . I always hold back tears when I was with her all day . I 'm afraid my mom is sad to see me crying . I always wait when maghrib time arrives , because after the maghrib prayer I can take turns with my father to keep the mother . After the maghrib prayer , I can complain to God all my complaints . It was then that after the maghrib prayer I took my siblings to the hospital to meet my mother . Then they hugged her and held her hand . The three of us could no longer hold back the tears of seeing my mother who was so patient against her illness had never complained at all . I ventured to talk to my mom . " Mom , this is de Hilmi and teh Nida , they said they missed you so much . " Mom opened her eyes and smiled . My mother was crying and her hand was trying to reach the three of us . Then mom said less clearly and stammered . " Teh , please take care of your siblings . Your college hopefully running smoothly . Mom is okay , mom already does not feel pain just don 't have to think about me . Teh Nida and de Hilmi do not be naughty must obey to teh Hana . " The three of us cry and continue to cry . " Please don 't talk like that mom , it makes teh Nida so sad , you must be sure you will recover . " Said my sister sobbed while stroking mother 's hand . Actually , my mother 's body if stroked a little pain extraordinary but he let my sister stroked his hand . My little brother who did not want to far away from mother incessantly cried until finally he was picked up by my father for fear of disturbing other patients . When I came back to Jatinangor I always thought of my mother 's words . He said that he didn 't feel any pain anymore . All I know is that a person who is seriously ill suddenly does not feel the pain of her end is near . What if my mother really went away , I was scared . But I always try to strengthen myself , I must be sincere with the will of God . I must be ready because the risk of being the oldest child should be ready with everything that happens . I take a slow breath , immediately agreed and then hurriedly shower and get ready . With tears , I said goodbye to my friend . He hugged me and said , " It 's okay do not be sad whatever happened has become God 's will . You have to be strong . " I just nodded and smiled at her . At about 9 am I arrived home , we immediately went to the hospital . Arriving at the hospital , I went straight to where place my mother . There 's also mbah and aunt who is a sister from my mother . I held my mother 's hand , I cried to see the situation . Mother just closed her eyes may have been unconscious . Really I was very emotional at the time . My family relationship was never good with my mother 's family . Since my mother was sick , they always told me to quit college . My mother told me not to be affected by them . They never help us in spite of the slightest effort . Suddenly they come and say things like that . I do not think it 's worth it . I hold a grudge against them because they always make my mother suffered . Usually , I can be patient and cry clandestinely , but for some reason , at that time I dare to against them . The people in the hospital saw us . I immediately ran to hug my father who is administering the administration . My father already knew what made me cry , he just wiped my head . Doctors and nurses that most of my neighbors already know with their bad nature . Then the doctor calmed me down , " Do not cry neng , do not be served those like that . Later they will get the karma . " I nodded and remained crying . Then my mother was taken home by the car we were carrying . My dad , my sister and me are holding mom in the car . I will not let go of my mother 's hand . " Mom , " My mother opened her eyes but just looked at the ceiling of the car as if there was something there . Along the way , we all said " Allah . . Allah . . Allah " so that my mother followed us . Alhamdulillah my mother can follow her although less clear because her tongue was short . Arriving at home , my mother was laid by my father in bed . At that time my mother had time to speak but only said " Thirsty " . We gave her water and her eyes always looked toward the door as if there was something there . The big family has gathered , we all say " Allah . . Allah . . Allah " my mother still followed us . Suddenly my mother fell asleep , for some reason I always pay attention to her breath , The rhythm of his breath is slow and finally stop . About half past 1 pm my mother died , we still didn 't believe it . We were crying but not sobbing . We apologized in her ear . I immediately hugged my siblings . Fortunately , my younger brother who most did not want away from my mother can handle his emotions , he was crying but still calm . I pity his age is still 8 years . I hugged him and said , " De Hilmi , do not cry it will make mothers sad . There is still teh Hana , teh Nida and dad . A boy must be strong . " My brother wiped her tears of unrelenting eyes . Then I took her out of the room . We all have sincerity with the mother 's departure . I 'm sure God loves my mother very much . I always pray for my good mother to be placed in His Heaven . The next day , my mother went to the doctor but the doctors still can 't detect what the disease is because the lump is small size . When the doctor checked it , the lump was pressed by the doctor so hard and makes my mother felt tremendous pain . The doctor even diagnosed that the lump came from the teeth , whereas my mother never had a problem with her teeth never feel a toothache because my mother always keeps her teeth healthy . Since we were still not satisfied with the doctor 's explanation , we drove mom to go to the dentist at Cideres Hospital , and her molar teeth revoked , after being revoked somehow the dentist said that there was no problem with her teeth . It was so strange , so for what her tooth removed if there were no problems with her teeth . Then , the doctor suggested being injected with biopsy . A few days later , my mother went to Siti Maryam Hospital for a biopsy injection . When she arrived home after from the hospital , my mother instantly limp . Which made me want to cry , I saw her mouth become tilted and constantly salivate in large quantities . Mom could not talk , she just cried . Then I tried to ask her , Mother just shook her head slowly . Maybe she could not lie down because of the incessant saliva out of his mouth . My sister and I were confused not knowing what to do , we can 't bear to see her situation . We only sit beside our mother . Then I went to the next room , I saw my father was daydreaming . Maybe he can 't bear to see the mother with such circumstances , visible from the expression of his face sadness but he was try as strong as holding back tears . Honestly , my heart hurt so much I was afraid something might happen . At that time , it has been known what illness my mother was suffering . I still cannot believe until now that she had stage three nasopharyngeal cancer . Nasopharyngeal cancer is a type of cancer that grows in the back cavity of the nose and behind the ceiling of the oral cavity causing swelling of the lymph nodes in the neck . At that time , the mother 's appetite is really reduced may be the cause he was not able to chew food so just want to eat porridge baby that dilute just to be swallowed . No intake of food that causes her body weakened . At that time my mother was treated at Hasan Sadikin Hospital Bandung . The doctor at the hospital Hasan Sadikin Bandung once asked my father what her favorite food , and then my father replied that mothers love to eat salted fish and tape . The doctor said it 's one of the causes of nasopharyngeal cancer . Looks trivial indeed but this is quite serious to note , maybe the salted fish that often consumed by my mom containing formalin and according to doctors are also not good to eat salted fish and tape let alone consumed continuously . This month may be the month that I think is both the happiest and the most miserable . Because I have to leave my family . At that time I had to go to Jatinangor because it was accepted to be a student of Faculty of Art Universitas Padjadjaran . I am happy because it is my dream to study at Unpad and my mother is very happy to know that I am accepted in Unpad SNMPTN line . But I 'm afraid I still can 't rely on my sister who is still in junior high school . Without me , she would have trouble taking care of my mother and my little brother who are still in elementary school . Because my father had to work from morning to evening for my mother 's medical expenses . My father who was just a donut seller overwhelmed with my mother 's expensivemedical expenses . Fortunately , at that time the treatment was helped by BPJS and also the help from my father 's brother . When I went to Jatinangor , I was picked up by my friend . I left with my two friends escorted by her parents . When they picked me up after saying good - bye to my mother , one of my friends asked me , " It 's okay , I ask the same prayers all hopefully my mother can be healed and given the best by God . " " Aamiin " they said in unison . And then my friends hug me . Ever since I lived in Jatinangor , I always came home once a week to keep my mother at home even while in the hospital . I always try to focus on my lecture but my mind is always on my mother . Our plan , my mother will be taken to Darmais Cancer Hospital in Jakarta . But my mother 's circumstances are not possible to take on a long journey . While waiting for my mother 's rather strong state , my mother was taken care of at my grandmother 's house . All the medical equipment was brought to my grandmother 's house , the mother of my father . Because if in the hospital we are less free to care for the mother . After a week at my grandmother 's house , my mother 's body had shown good health . However , all of a sudden , mbah that is the mother of my mother asked us to bring my mother to mbah 's house . I already had a bad feeling at the time . But my dad thinks maybe mbahregrets all his actions to my mother in the past and wants to take care of her . Because mbah is always vicious to my mother , although she is her biological mother . It turns out after a few days at mbah 's home , do not know why mom never want to eat , his body condition deteriorated . My mother 's family blamed my father , saying that the cause of the sick mother was my father . I do not know what else to do . Actually , I 'm disgusted with them . From childhood , I always saw mbah cursing my mother without me knowing the obvious reason . My mother always cried hugging me . I do not understand what 's on her minds , my good mother is always wrong in her eyes . But the other child who always doing wrong always defended by mbah . Fortunately , as a child , my mother was cared for by her grandmother and grandfather , the parents of her biological father . Because they feel sorry for my mother being tortured by her stepfather , her mother and her four siblings do not care about it . As always , I go back to Majalengka once a week . In late October , my mother was admitted to Majalengka Hospital . It seems it is not possible to go to Darmais Cancer Hospital Jakarta because of its very worrying situation . I still remember very clearly that her body was very thin and seemed only skin and bone remained , her face was shaped skull flesh around the cheek , the lump on her neck had broken so that her neck was perforated and had to wear the gauze and even then must be changed every hour because bleeding and odor , from the hole neck always out blood . My God , my feeling tells me that my mother 's age is not long but on the other hand I really hope there is a miracle if my mother can heal . I always hold back tears when I was with her all day . I 'm afraid my mom is sad to see me crying . I always wait when maghrib time arrives , because after the maghrib prayer I can take turns with my father to keep the mother . After the maghrib prayer , I can complain to God all my complaints . It was then that after the maghrib prayer I took my siblings to the hospital to meet my mother . Then they hugged her and held her hand . The three of us could no longer hold back the tears of seeing my mother who was so patient against her illness had never complained at all . I ventured to talk to my mom . " Mom , this is de Hilmi and teh Nida , they said they missed you so much . " Mom opened her eyes and smiled . My mother was crying and her hand was trying to reach the three of us . Then mom said less clearly and stammered . " Teh , please take care of your siblings . Your college hopefully running smoothly . Mom is okay , mom already does not feel pain just don 't have to think about me . Teh Nida and de Hilmi do not be naughty must obey to teh Hana . " The three of us cry and continue to cry . " Please don 't talk like that mom , it makes teh Nida so sad , you must be sure you will recover . " Said my sister sobbed while stroking mother 's hand . Actually , my mother 's body if stroked a little pain extraordinary but he let my sister stroked his hand . My little brother who did not want to far away from mother incessantly cried until finally he was picked up by my father for fear of disturbing other patients . When I came back to Jatinangor I always thought of my mother 's words . He said that he didn 't feel any pain anymore . All I know is that a person who is seriously ill suddenly does not feel the pain of her end is near . What if my mother really went away , I was scared . But I always try to strengthen myself , I must be sincere with the will of God . I must be ready because the risk of being the oldest child should be ready with everything that happens . I take a slow breath , immediately agreed and then hurriedly shower and get ready . With tears , I said goodbye to my friend . He hugged me and said , " It 's okay do not be sad whatever happened has become God 's will . You have to be strong . " I just nodded and smiled at her . At about 9 am I arrived home , we immediately went to the hospital . Arriving at the hospital , I went straight to where place my mother . There 's also mbah and aunt who is a sister from my mother . I held my mother 's hand , I cried to see the situation . Mother just closed her eyes may have been unconscious . Really I was very emotional at the time . My family relationship was never good with my mother 's family . Since my mother was sick , they always told me to quit college . My mother told me not to be affected by them . They never help us in spite of the slightest effort . Suddenly they come and say things like that . I do not think it 's worth it . I hold a grudge against them because they always make my mother suffered . Usually , I can be patient and cry clandestinely , but for some reason , at that time I dare to against them . The people in the hospital saw us . I immediately ran to hug my father who is administering the administration . My father already knew what made me cry , he just wiped my head . Doctors and nurses that most of my neighbors already know with their bad nature . Then the doctor calmed me down , " Do not cry neng , do not be served those like that . Later they will get the karma . " I nodded and remained crying . Then my mother was taken home by the car we were carrying . My dad , my sister and me are holding mom in the car . I will not let go of my mother 's hand . " Mom , " My mother opened her eyes but just looked at the ceiling of the car as if there was something there . Along the way , we all said " Allah . . Allah . . Allah " so that my mother followed us . Alhamdulillah my mother can follow her although less clear because her tongue was short . Arriving at home , my mother was laid by my father in bed . At that time my mother had time to speak but only said " Thirsty " . We gave her water and her eyes always looked toward the door as if there was something there . The big family has gathered , we all say " Allah . . Allah . . Allah " my mother still followed us . Suddenly my mother fell asleep , for some reason I always pay attention to her breath , The rhythm of his breath is slow and finally stop . About half past 1 pm my mother died , we still didn 't believe it . We were crying but not sobbing . We apologized in her ear . I immediately hugged my siblings . Fortunately , my younger brother who most did not want away from my mother can handle his emotions , he was crying but still calm . I pity his age is still 8 years . I hugged him and said , " De Hilmi , do not cry it will make mothers sad . There is still teh Hana , teh Nida and dad . A boy must be strong . " My brother wiped her tears of unrelenting eyes . Then I took her out of the room . We all have sincerity with the mother 's departure . I 'm sure God loves my mother very much . I always pray for my good mother to be placed in His Heaven . The next day , my mother went to the doctor but the doctors still can 't detect what the disease is because the lump is small size . When the doctor checked it , the lump was pressed by the doctor so hard and makes my mother felt tremendous pain . The doctor even diagnosed that the lump came from the teeth , whereas my mother never had a problem with her teeth never feel a toothache because my mother always keeps her teeth healthy . Since we were still not satisfied with the doctor 's explanation , we drove mom to go to the dentist at Cideres Hospital , and her molar teeth revoked , after being revoked somehow the dentist said that there was no problem with her teeth . It was so strange , so for what her tooth removed if there were no problems with her teeth . Then , the doctor suggested being injected with biopsy . A few days later , my mother went to Siti Maryam Hospital for a biopsy injection . When she arrived home after from the hospital , my mother instantly limp . Which made me want to cry , I saw her mouth become tilted and constantly salivate in large quantities . Mom could not talk , she just cried . Then I tried to ask her , Mother just shook her head slowly . Maybe she could not lie down because of the incessant saliva out of his mouth . My sister and I were confused not knowing what to do , we can 't bear to see her situation . We only sit beside our mother . Then I went to the next room , I saw my father was daydreaming . Maybe he can 't bear to see the mother with such circumstances , visible from the expression of his face sadness but he was try as strong as holding back tears . Honestly , my heart hurt so much I was afraid something might happen . At that time , it has been known what illness my mother was suffering . I still cannot believe until now that she had stage three nasopharyngeal cancer . Nasopharyngeal cancer is a type of cancer that grows in the back cavity of the nose and behind the ceiling of the oral cavity causing swelling of the lymph nodes in the neck . At that time , the mother 's appetite is really reduced may be the cause he was not able to chew food so just want to eat porridge baby that dilute just to be swallowed . No intake of food that causes her body weakened . At that time my mother was treated at Hasan Sadikin Hospital Bandung . The doctor at the hospital Hasan Sadikin Bandung once asked my father what her favorite food , and then my father replied that mothers love to eat salted fish and tape . The doctor said it 's one of the causes of nasopharyngeal cancer . Looks trivial indeed but this is quite serious to note , maybe the salted fish that often consumed by my mom containing formalin and according to doctors are also not good to eat salted fish and tape let alone consumed continuously . This month may be the month that I think is both the happiest and the most miserable . Because I have to leave my family . At that time I had to go to Jatinangor because it was accepted to be a student of Faculty of Art Universitas Padjadjaran . I am happy because it is my dream to study at Unpad and my mother is very happy to know that I am accepted in Unpad SNMPTN line . But I 'm afraid I still can 't rely on my sister who is still in junior high school . Without me , she would have trouble taking care of my mother and my little brother who are still in elementary school . Because my father had to work from morning to evening for my mother 's medical expenses . My father who was just a donut seller overwhelmed with my mother 's expensivemedical expenses . Fortunately , at that time the treatment was helped by BPJS and also the help from my father 's brother . When I went to Jatinangor , I was picked up by my friend . I left with my two friends escorted by her parents . When they picked me up after saying good - bye to my mother , one of my friends asked me , " It 's okay , I ask the same prayers all hopefully my mother can be healed and given the best by God . " " Aamiin " they said in unison . And then my friends hug me . Ever since I lived in Jatinangor , I always came home once a week to keep my mother at home even while in the hospital . I always try to focus on my lecture but my mind is always on my mother . Our plan , my mother will be taken to Darmais Cancer Hospital in Jakarta . But my mother 's circumstances are not possible to take on a long journey . While waiting for my mother 's rather strong state , my mother was taken care of at my grandmother 's house . All the medical equipment was brought to my grandmother 's house , the mother of my father . Because if in the hospital we are less free to care for the mother . After a week at my grandmother 's house , my mother 's body had shown good health . However , all of a sudden , mbah that is the mother of my mother asked us to bring my mother to mbah 's house . I already had a bad feeling at the time . But my dad thinks maybe mbahregrets all his actions to my mother in the past and wants to take care of her . Because mbah is always vicious to my mother , although she is her biological mother . It turns out after a few days at mbah 's home , do not know why mom never want to eat , his body condition deteriorated . My mother 's family blamed my father , saying that the cause of the sick mother was my father . I do not know what else to do . Actually , I 'm disgusted with them . From childhood , I always saw mbah cursing my mother without me knowing the obvious reason . My mother always cried hugging me . I do not understand what 's on her minds , my good mother is always wrong in her eyes . But the other child who always doing wrong always defended by mbah . Fortunately , as a child , my mother was cared for by her grandmother and grandfather , the parents of her biological father . Because they feel sorry for my mother being tortured by her stepfather , her mother and her four siblings do not care about it . As always , I go back to Majalengka once a week . In late October , my mother was admitted to Majalengka Hospital . It seems it is not possible to go to Darmais Cancer Hospital Jakarta because of its very worrying situation . I still remember very clearly that her body was very thin and seemed only skin and bone remained , her face was shaped skull flesh around the cheek , the lump on her neck had broken so that her neck was perforated and had to wear the gauze and even then must be changed every hour because bleeding and odor , from the hole neck always out blood . My God , my feeling tells me that my mother 's age is not long but on the other hand I really hope there is a miracle if my mother can heal . I always hold back tears when I was with her all day . I 'm afraid my mom is sad to see me crying . I always wait when maghrib time arrives , because after the maghrib prayer I can take turns with my father to keep the mother . After the maghrib prayer , I can complain to God all my complaints . It was then that after the maghrib prayer I took my siblings to the hospital to meet my mother . Then they hugged her and held her hand . The three of us could no longer hold back the tears of seeing my mother who was so patient against her illness had never complained at all . I ventured to talk to my mom . " Mom , this is de Hilmi and teh Nida , they said they missed you so much . " Mom opened her eyes and smiled . My mother was crying and her hand was trying to reach the three of us . Then mom said less clearly and stammered . " Teh , please take care of your siblings . Your college hopefully running smoothly . Mom is okay , mom already does not feel pain just don 't have to think about me . Teh Nida and de Hilmi do not be naughty must obey to teh Hana . " The three of us cry and continue to cry . " Please don 't talk like that mom , it makes teh Nida so sad , you must be sure you will recover . " Said my sister sobbed while stroking mother 's hand . Actually , my mother 's body if stroked a little pain extraordinary but he let my sister stroked his hand . My little brother who did not want to far away from mother incessantly cried until finally he was picked up by my father for fear of disturbing other patients . When I came back to Jatinangor I always thought of my mother 's words . He said that he didn 't feel any pain anymore . All I know is that a person who is seriously ill suddenly does not feel the pain of her end is near . What if my mother really went away , I was scared . But I always try to strengthen myself , I must be sincere with the will of God . I must be ready because the risk of being the oldest child should be ready with everything that happens . I take a slow breath , immediately agreed and then hurriedly shower and get ready . With tears , I said goodbye to my friend . He hugged me and said , " It 's okay do not be sad whatever happened has become God 's will . You have to be strong . " I just nodded and smiled at her . At about 9 am I arrived home , we immediately went to the hospital . Arriving at the hospital , I went straight to where place my mother . There 's also mbah and aunt who is a sister from my mother . I held my mother 's hand , I cried to see the situation . Mother just closed her eyes may have been unconscious . Really I was very emotional at the time . My family relationship was never good with my mother 's family . Since my mother was sick , they always told me to quit college . My mother told me not to be affected by them . They never help us in spite of the slightest effort . Suddenly they come and say things like that . I do not think it 's worth it . I hold a grudge against them because they always make my mother suffered . Usually , I can be patient and cry clandestinely , but for some reason , at that time I dare to against them . The people in the hospital saw us . I immediately ran to hug my father who is administering the administration . My father already knew what made me cry , he just wiped my head . Doctors and nurses that most of my neighbors already know with their bad nature . Then the doctor calmed me down , " Do not cry neng , do not be served those like that . Later they will get the karma . " I nodded and remained crying . Then my mother was taken home by the car we were carrying . My dad , my sister and me are holding mom in the car . I will not let go of my mother 's hand . " Mom , " My mother opened her eyes but just looked at the ceiling of the car as if there was something there . Along the way , we all said " Allah . . Allah . . Allah " so that my mother followed us . Alhamdulillah my mother can follow her although less clear because her tongue was short . Arriving at home , my mother was laid by my father in bed . At that time my mother had time to speak but only said " Thirsty " . We gave her water and her eyes always looked toward the door as if there was something there . The big family has gathered , we all say " Allah . . Allah . . Allah " my mother still followed us . Suddenly my mother fell asleep , for some reason I always pay attention to her breath , The rhythm of his breath is slow and finally stop . About half past 1 pm my mother died , we still didn 't believe it . We were crying but not sobbing . We apologized in her ear . I immediately hugged my siblings . Fortunately , my younger brother who most did not want away from my mother can handle his emotions , he was crying but still calm . I pity his age is still 8 years . I hugged him and said , " De Hilmi , do not cry it will make mothers sad . There is still teh Hana , teh Nida and dad . A boy must be strong . " My brother wiped her tears of unrelenting eyes . Then I took her out of the room . We all have sincerity with the mother 's departure . I 'm sure God loves my mother very much . I always pray for my good mother to be placed in His Heaven . Basically my life is just as cool as the summer breeze , nothing too depressing or too exciting before he came into my life . We were just someone who went to the same middle school and coincidently went to the same university . We never spoke before , we just said our hello . At first , I felt bad for him . He seems to be the kind of person who 's quiet and can 't really get along with anyone easily . So I thought , I should accompany him a little during those two events , because of the basis that we are from the same middle school , so I thought he could feel assured with me . So he did . He showed me that he cares for me ; he held me like there 's no one around . He wanted to get to know me more . He wanted to take me to Trans Studio Bandung ( because I never went there before ) ; he asked me if I could keep his allowance so that he won 't spend it lavishly ; he even asked me if I could meet his mother . He was like a prince in a white horse and shining armor . I 'm the type of person who is picky with any guys that tries to approach me . I always gave cold replies to them , but surprisingly not to him . Maybe it 's because the way he approaches me was different than anyone else , or maybe because I knew him , or maybe something else . He made me want to stop playing around with other guys and start to find something serious . He made me fell in love with him . He gave me something that no one has ever given to me : extra attention , the kind of attention that requires action and not just sweet words . We shocked all of our friends . They thought that we had something way back before we went to Dufan . But little do they know , how can we be so close when I just started added his Line account in Dufan ? They didn 't know that we never chatted before outside the community . After Dufan , we got really close . He even went to Nangor to accompany me " Perwalian " . He made a surprise for me during my birthday . He sent me a cartoon drawing of us sitting and looking at the birthday cake right after he said goodbye and jumped out of my friend 's fences at 12 A . M . . Later that day in the afternoon , he unexpectedly went to my dorm and stand outside my door with cupcakes and candles . He was sweet at first . He would go to me straight away when I told him it 's too late for me to go home by myself . He occasionally asked me to go out and have dinner with him and we would chat during dinner . Usually I 'd be just sitting there and listen to what he would say . But one day , he asked me something that made me think 24 / 7 ; he asked me to take turns on telling our days . I think he felt like it 's always him that talks . His words made me think . Maybe he was right , I was caught up in the idea that it was okay for me to just listen to him and agrees to everything he had said . I was wrong . After that day , I felt like he was different . He never asked my day anymore , he never asked me to go out with him anymore , and he replied my text really late without even explaining why . I felt angry because of that , so one day I thought about giving him his medicine . But it only back fires me . I thought that if I give him the same thing he gave me , he would reflect and made up with me . But I was so wrong . It gave him the opportunity to actually leave me for good . When I left him hanging with just reading his message , he didn 't look for me for days . I felt betrayed . I was supposed to be the one that is mad , but why does this person thought that it was okay for him to not contact me at all ? He made me furious and sad at the same time . There is not a single day I wouldn 't feel blue and think about what I had done wrong to make him do this . I thought that I could hide it very well from other people , but I was also wrong . All of my friends started to notice that I became different . They asked me what was wrong , and that is when I started to break down . I told them what happened , and they were as confused as I am . Ultimately , I asked two of my friends to help me out and asked him what he was up to . Why he left me hanging . And so they did . I finally had the courage to ask him why . So he explained , but I felt even sadder when he had explained to me what his reason was . He told me he was sorry that he could no longer be with me . He felt that he was not ready to go even further with me ; on top of that his recent ex - girlfriend of one year came back to him . He said that he doesn 't want to be with anyone at the moment . I asked for an explanation and I got one . But I was till not satisfied with his explanation , I still hope for a better ending . I was hoping that we could go back to the way things were , just like in Dufan . But I 've realized that you cannot always get what you want . So with that , the story of me and Hayden ended . For days , weeks , months , I felt hurt ; like a piece of me had crushed , a piece of me was missing . I cried myself out every night ; didn 't feel like eating or even talking with anyone . I felt like I could no longer trust any guy . That is when I felt like the need to build a strong wall surrounding my heart , so that I could no longer get hurt over heartbreak . For me , this wall I had built is a barrier between me and any guy that tries to come close to my heart . Before I met Hayden , I also had that wall , but not as strong as this wall I built right after he said he can no longer be with me . I immediately built those walls and kept my distance , starting with him . I hide my true feelings , I tried to be okay by building those walls , but even I cannot lie to myself . At that time I felt numb , I don 't want to know what the feeling of being loved by someone anymore is . I don 't want to take any guy seriously ; I wanted to go back to being the player I used to be , teasing guys without thinking of going further . But even though I have said that our story ended ; even though I 've said that I had built a wall especially form him , for months I still hope that maybe there could still be " us " . Even though I knew he lied about not wanting to be with anyone right now , I saw that eventually he went back to his ex . Never do I have realized until that moment that I was just another girl that temporarily filled his empty broken heart . I never thought of our relationship thoroughly . Then I had promised myself , for every guy that ever tried to approach me , I won 't take it seriously . So I did kept my promise , for quite a few months , that is until Al came into my life and stirred me up . He was one of my friends , the kind of friend that always teased each other . So never in my life I had ever felt the need to take him seriously ; and the side of him that is so friendly with every one and even girls made me not wanting to think anything other than " just friends " . But like I said , he stirred me up ; giving me mixed emotions , he had given me something that I think that no other normal " friends " gave to me : which was his extra time and attention , and it was something I never asked him for . You see , he studied economics , which is in Dipatiukur ; and I am in Jatinangor . But the thing is , he occasionally asked me to come and hang out with him in Bandung ; but then I just replied him with a " no too lazy " . Why should I go to Bandung just to meet him ? We 're not that close , and like I said before ; I had built a wall so that any guy can 't come closer to my heart . I think he grew tired of waiting for me to say yes , so occasionally he went to Nangor and asked me to accompany him doing something , and so it 'll looked like he did not come to Nangor just for me . Eventually my close friend said that it was all just an excuse , he intentionally asked for something to do in Nangor from his " Hima " so that he could see me . So instead of me going to Bandung , it was always him going to Nangor . Until one day I felt bad for always saying no , but I still felt like I don 't know what were his attentions were back then . You see . In my book , if a guy and a girl are close for more than just friends , but are not dating , they should contact each other daily . However , Al treated me like I 'm his girl one day and his homey the next . He 'll be texting me like I 'm only his friend . He didn 't text me daily , but he only texted me when he felt like he wanted to chat with me . But when we meet up , he treated me like I 'm his girlfriend . He holds my hand , gets mad if I 'm in my phone and not looking at him ; cranky if I declined his offer to take me back to my dorm ; jealous if I 'm talking about other guys . The thing is , every time I had " accompanied " him in Nangor , he wouldn 't text me for days and suddenly texted me like nothing had happened . The kind of feeling that he gave me , those mixed up feelings made my mind confused on figuring out what were his attentions were and it actually made me missed having him around . So with that I tried to break those walls of mine little by little . One day , he asked me again to come to Bandung , and I finally agreed . We decided that I should left Nangor at 12 . 00 p . m . , but I felt like I shouldn 't be leaving before he asked me again if I 'm already on the way or not . So he finally texted me at 1 . 30 p . m . and then I left . We didn 't text when I was on the bus , but I texted him when I was already near Dipatiukur . But he didn 't reply my texts , he didn 't answer all of my calls , and I started to feel upset . Even when I had arrived in Dipatiukur he didn 't reply my texts or even answer all of my calls . For two hours I waited for him , TWO FREAKING HOURS . I got very upset so I went to PVJ all by myself . There 's a lot of traffic jams because it was Sunday , and it made me think about all of my decisions . Why did I agreed to go to Bandung ? What if he was fooling me around ? What if he was with another girl right now ? And so I arrived at PVJ two hours later . I 've looked around for quite a while and finally at 7 p . m , . Al texted me saying that he overslept . Even though he finally bomb chatted me for like 100 times saying he 's sorry and asking me where I was , I still felt very upset . He didn 't know how much courage for me to go to Bandung for him and he overslept ? So after 200 chats and a gazillion missed calls , I sent him a picture of where I was without telling him where I was , and few moments later he arrived in PVJ . He finally found me in H & M and hugged me from the back . I was shock and shy because everyone stared at us , so I tried to pull out of the hug and after a few minutes I finally broke free . He apologizes for overslept , but I kept my silence and just raised my eyebrow . He apologized again and again but I didn 't answer him . Even when we ate , I kept laughing at something on my phone ; even when we arrived at my dorm , I stormed off went inside my dorm . For days , I didn 't text him and so did he . I think he got frustrated so the next week he went to Nangor to find me in my friend 's dorm and apologizes one more time . He told me he can 't sleep all night long , he can 't think , he can 't study all because of we didn 't made up . He didn 't want to lose me , and he said something that calmed me down ; he knew my past with Hayden and assured me that he is not Hayden ; he won 't go away without any notice , he won 't have any other girl , he will always have time for me . I was happy to hear that . So when he asked for us to make up and for me to be his , I finally said okay . My walls started to crumble brick by brick , and for the first time in a while I can finally say that I am happy .

At a book club meeting a couple months back , our tireless leader asked for volunteers . Our club has something like 350 members on the books , but probably only 80 show up regularly to meetings . Just like church ! Apparently , people decide whether or not to read the book and attend the meeting on a month to month basis by reading the book blurbs . This is completely different from how I go about it . True , there are some books on our list that I would have skipped and some others that I thought were a bore , but part of the fun of book club to me is reading things that I never would have picked out on my own . I end up liking some of them , and even when I don 't , I get to go talk to other people about why they liked or disliked it . But whatever other people want out of book club is their business . It 's just discouraging to see five people at one meeting and then twenty at the next , just because we read The Hunger Games . Anyway , in the couple of years since the group started , one woman has basically been doing all the work . Just going to three meetings in one week every month would be enough , but there are a lot of behind - the - scenes administrative work to it , too . So she finally asked for help and scheduled an open meeting for anyone who was interested in getting more involved . I got that strange sorta feeling in my stomach , like I wanted to take a step outside my shell into the sunlight of involvementhoodness . I hate to use a word that seems like it should be reserved for much nobler activities , but I felt " called . " So I showed up at the meeting , and almost immediately regretted it when I realized that everyone else there was really outgoing and organized . But I stuck it out , spoke up when I again felt called , and found myself at the end with a title : Wednesday Moderator . Each month , we have three meetings , spread out over a week so people can pick the night that is most convenient for them . I 'm a Wednesday . Tuesday and Thursday were equally convenient , really , but Wednesday was a newly introduced night , so there were the fewest regular attendees . I said that having only five people show up was discouraging , but it was actually great . The smaller group led to a better and more inclusive discussion . My co - moderator is Mandy , who I 've discovered that I like a lot . We brought book - related snacks to our first meeting , and they went over like a lead balloon . I mean , I ate some , and Mandy ate some , and a couple others took a bit to spare our feelings . But they were not spared enough . My feelings were soothed slightly by the fact that I got to take so much of the snacks home . Snacks are not part of our duty . We just did it to make Wednesday the coolest . Our actual jobs are just to run the meetings - lead the discussion if no one is willing to do so , keep everyone on topic , pass around the collection plate . The plate in our case is a vintage kitchen canister that I dug out from my stash . We also wear name tags , also vintage and from my stash . See ? I knew I would need these things one day ! Wednesday is the coolest - they have snacks and vintage stuff and also sassy moderators . We give out books as incentive for regular members to lead dicussions . If they do not want the book , we give them a tote bag with the book club name on it ( Triangle Ladies ' Book Club ) . At the last meeting , I took charge of the giveaway books and tote bags . I walked out of a coffee shop with a book club tote bag on my arm and felt very stereotypically suburban . In the past month or so , I 've found two copies of one of our upcoming books at thrift stores . That 's happened before , but I always felt too shy to buy the extra copy to pass along . Now , I am a moderator , which gives me some kind of authority to give out extra books . It 's goofy , I know , that I needed any sort of reason besides human generosity to pass along a fifty cent book . But now I 'm excited about the prospect of giving out free books , both for the extra appeal it will give to Wednesday nights ( snacks AND free books ! ) and for the chance to spread the secondhand gospel . Maybe we 'll even play a little game to decide who gets the books . Doesn 't that sound like just so much literary fun ? We 'd been talking about getting married for a while . After Daddy got sick , we talked about it some more . Finally , one night , I asked what needed to happen before we were officially " engaged , " rather than " probably gonna marry each other someday . " He said he needed a ring . And I said no , that wasn 't necessary . I don 't know what you 've heard about musicians , but mine does not make a lot of money . Plus , his car had just died and so there was that to pay for . A symbolic piece of jewelry was not required . After all , I am a modern woman . But he was insistent about it , so I said that the ring we got now didn 't have to be The One Ring . He liked that idea , and then he started talking about the ring he was going to buy me when he got rich . Apparently , it 's going to be so ridiculously expensive that we 're going to keep it in a safe most of the time , which sounds more useless than a regular engagement ring . Josh has a thing about diamonds . Aside from the whole blood diamonds issue , there is the fact that diamond engagement rings were a marketing device invented by De Beers . Also , he says that De Beers artificially inflates the price on diamonds by hording them and keeping them scarce . My view is that it 's just a shiny thing anyway . The value of it is entirely based on its shininess and not on any qualities like usefulness or scarcity . So the price is artificially high ? It was all made up in the first place . But I wasn 't requiring a diamond , since I didn 't require a ring at all . That was his idea , though I would certainly accept a free piece of jewelry , so as not to hurt his feelings . The next day , to show him that I was serious about getting serious , I spent some time ring shopping . I poked around on Etsy , just to give him examples of things that I liked rather than making specific requests . I sent him an email with half a dozen links to various rings . I was very budget - minded . The most expensive one I sent him was $ 175 , and the cheapest was $ 22 . Only the most expensive one had a diamond , an uncut one at that , which I thought was kinda neat . But the rest were pearls or had no stone at all . You can get white topazes and white sapphires , which look like diamonds , but I didn 't like that idea . Just be yourself , little sapphire . If I was going to have a non - traditional ring , I wanted it to look like one , instead of it just being an imposter . I was prepared to rock my weirdo engagement ring , to own my eccentricity , to make others wish they were awesome enough to get such a cool ring . In my list , I even included one that had a puzzle piece on it , to further encourage him to go any way he wanted with this , including a silly way . I felt terrible sending such a gimme list and ended with a line about how none of it mattered at all , it was just a ring , it 's him I want . When I saw him at the end of the day , I immediately asked if he thought I was awful and shallow . He said he hadn 't read the email . Then he said that the dog had discovered a new archaeological find in the yard . While I was looking online , he was driving all over town . He took a crash course in diamonds online and then hit some pawn shops . He found The Ring at the Raleigh Jewelry and Loan , a shop that seemed to specialize more in guns . The guy behind the counter was mistrustful at first . Then Josh said he wanted to buy that ring right there , and the guy figured out A . ) Josh was not casing the joint , and B . ) he was going to commit his life to some girl . Suddenly aglow in the contagious happiness of a proposal , he was helpful and friendly . Apologizing that he didn 't deal a lot in engagement rings , he pulled out a tiny gift box from under the counter . It was truly hideous , made of glittery turquoise plastic with a pink bow that Josh had to tape on . The man asked him : if I was such a great gal , why was he buying me a ring in a pawn shop ? I don 't quite understand the sales technique . Even pawn shop owners believe the stigma . Josh does not believe the stigma . I do not believe the stigma , because it 's the same one that says that thrift stores and yard sales are for poor people . Being who we are , it would have been , I dunno , wrong somehow to buy a brand new ring . Plus , at pawn shops , you can negotiate . Josh got them to knock $ 100 off the price to get it to $ 650 . Later , when we took it to a real live jewelry store to have it resized , the professionals estimated its value at $ 1800 . He worried before he gave it to me that it was not The Ring , the right ring . The funny thing is that as soon as he offered it to me as a way of offering himself , it became The Ring . Like the stone and the metal it 's made of , the value is what we attach to it . That would have been true of any diamond or pearl or puzzle piece ring he gave me . So it was this one , which turned out to be just the one I wanted . Shortly after we moved into the house , Josh spent an afternoon raking the back yard ( remember - all trees , no grass ) . I don 't know why he did this , as it didn 't seem to accomplish much , but he was very proud of the act . Doing this , he unearthed various bits and pieces of the previous owners ' lives . A bottle cap here , a mangled bird feeder there . It was like the arrowheads that some kid in your second grade class had found out near the creek , except not at all exotic . Apparently , us humans are just not capable of not leaving our crap all over the place . Once we got the dog , even more of this stuff started cropping up . Maybe this went back two or three owners , because it had been too deep to be uncovered in a cursory raking . No , it needed paws . Paws that used to be white but were now kinda orange , thanks to that red dirt we have around here . We 'd catch her chewing on something mysterious and have to take it away before she broke her teeth on it . Some of this stuff was more of the same - plastic bags , broken glass , disposables that hadn 't been properly disposed of . And then she started coming up with odd metal things . They look like parts from some kind of mechanical monster . I only engineer non - tangible things , so I have no idea what it could have been . Probably a time machine . I started collecting the more interesting items as a sort of art piece : Remix Archaeology . I noticed that you could use the " artifacts " to spell out words , specifically the name of Josh 's band . I thought it might make a neat picture for their website , but we needed an ' O ' . We had one already , and we could just use that one again with a little photo - editing , but I felt that it would be truer to the spirit of Remix Archaeology if we could have a different object . I don 't know why , but considering that sculptures consisting of crap my dog dug out of the yard is a relatively new art form , I figure I can make it go however I want . A couple of weeks ago , Josh mentioned that Remix had found another ' O . ' How thrilling ! I asked what it was , and he sort of shrugged . Well , that makes sense . It 's not like I could tell what any of the other pieces used to be anyway . At home , we were on the back porch , enjoying the ridiculously mild weather . I asked about the new artifact . He went inside to get it , saying that it was small and he hadn 't wanted to lose it . He came back and put it in line with the rest of the letters . It was tiny compared to the other letters , and I felt bad that I would have to tell him this piece would not be acceptable for my purposes . It was also very shiny . I bought a little picture at a yard sale this weekend . The yard sales season is slowly starting up . The birds and the bees and the flowers all got the message about spring coming early this year , but whoever schedules the yard sales was caught napping . But there were a couple of church sales last weekend , which I arrived at just as they were ready to really bargain . There were several pieces of artwork , all nicely - framed and a couple of them fantastically large . One was a still - life ( yawn ) , another something abstract , and one more was a picture of an Italian bridge . I 'm sure I could have gotten each one for less than $ 10 , but none of them were really speaking to me . There was one little one , though , that I liked . I hate to trot out the old saying about not knowing about art , but knowing what I like , but that 's pretty much me all over . So I brought it home , because I liked the expression on the horse 's face . As it turns out , the painting is of St . George slaying the dragon . I sorta figured that , except that I 'd always pictured the dragon to be , you know , bigger . This one looked to be more in danger of being trampled by the horse than anything else , but maybe that 's the part of the story you never hear : how it was really St . George 's horse all along . Anyway , the painting was done by Raphael , which made me feel better about liking it . Any artist who got to be a ninja turtle was probably pretty good . We looked around for a place to put it . I 've written at length before about how we basically just decorate by putting all the stuff we like into one room . Maybe we 're idiots , but it seems to actually sorta work . Ordinarily , you 'd never put a sarcophagus next to a sled , but we did , and somehow it seems to be fine . I guess we 're just trendsetters . We finally found a nice little spot above our paper mache figures of Don Quixote and Sancho Panza . It 's a horse theme . Is it just me , or does this ridiculous mix of styles totally work ? Don 't mind the Storm Trooper . At some point , he will be glued to the dashboard of Josh 's band van . For now , he 's just hanging out with the other horses . He always had a lot of pens , like , more than would ever be reasonably necessary . He bought them in large multi - packs , maybe because they 're cheaper that way and also because of some kind of Boy Scout logic that told him you can never have too many pens . He is absent - minded , too , so maybe they disappear like socks in the dryer . I don 't have a specific memory , but it 's easy for me to imagine him grumping around the house , looking for a pen . Daddy is a constant low - level grumbler . But it 's light - hearted . Crotchedy . Say something smart back and earn a grin in response . But the last time I visited , when he was in the hospital the whole time and not at the house for mealtimes with the rest of us , I saw a big cup full of pens on his desk . And they were the same kind I have at home , that I buy for full price at the shiny retail office supply store in two - packs because I like them so much . You know , you should always have a good pen handy . As usual , my policy against buying more books ( due to already having a " to - read " pile taller than something really tall ) has been a total failure . I have no defense , at least no good one . I could say that I only pick books that look really really good and are really really cheap , but that has always been the case . That 's how I got too many books in the first place . I have tightened my standards . I only buy books that are major award winners or by authors that I trust . Unfortunately , that still leads to me bringing them home in piles , though smaller piles than before . What I really need to do is to stop looking , to pass by the book section completely . And I sometimes try to do that , but then something catches my eye and I figure if there is one good one , there are probably more , and then it 's all over . The Durham Rescue Mission , a gigantic thrift store that still can 't hold all its stock , has a free pile of books . Getting tossed into the free pile seems to be luck of the draw , as there is no consistency in condition or quality . One of the books I recently rescued from the pile up was this one : Had I just been scanning the shelves , I never would have picked up this book . All you can tell from the side is that it 's a pulp paperback , a mass - produced romance novel . The cover , featuring a man holding a woman with a mysterious smile on her face , with vaguely European landmarks in the misty background , looks like a bodice - ripper . The back cover features a glowing review excerpt from Cosmo , which is not a periodical I go to for book recommendations . Here is the blurb : She met him on the plane . A most unsuitable man , she thought . Certainly not someone a sensible American professor on her way to do some serious research in London should consider becoming involved with . Yet there was something about Chuck Mumpson that Vinnie Miner found oddly irresistible . . . Two Americans abroad . Two foreign affairs of the most unlikely sort . Two lives opening to passions and choices only dreamed of - embarking on journeys that would change them both forever . This book was not marketed to me . I once stopped into a used bookstore that was nestled unobtrusively into a strip mall . I was hoping that I had found a hidden gem , but the place was wall to wall romance novels . My general feeling about these books is that they are sort of all alike . I was amazed that there were so many different books , since the genre as a whole seemed so formulaic . The lady running the store tried very hard to help me by pointing me to the Mystery Romance , the Historical Romance , the Western Romance , and I don 't remember what else . I spent about five minutes with a very narrow shelf labelled " Classics " before thanking her and scooting out the door . I didn 't see it , and if I had I would not have noticed it , but it 's entirely possible that Foreign Affairs was somewhere in that little shop , maybe in the Overseas Romance section . But I did see it in the free pile of the Durham Resuce Mission , and because it was in a pile and not on a shelf , I happened to see that magical little gold seal on the front : " Winner of the 1984 Pulitzer Prize for fiction . " And my brain could not compute what that seal was doing on what looked like a completely standard romance novel . Of course , the answer is that it is a romance novel , in that it is about relationships . It also , according to the Pulitzer committee ( and Cosmo 's book reviewer ) , is a dang good book . I looked up the book on Amazon to see what kind of cover it had now . It looks like the kind of book I would have pulled off a shelf . The marketing of this edition is no less of a formula than it was for the other . It 's just that the formula adds up to a different kind of reader . Me , for instance . I do my book - buying based mostly on covers . I have been impressed with my ability to consistently pick good books . In fact , I 've been getting a little smug about it . A lot of times , I can 't remember where I got a book or what made me pick it up , but when I finish it , I find that I liked it . Good job , me , you rock at finding the awesome book among the thousands of ones that suck . But maybe this is not so much a matter of me knowing how to pick a good book as the marketing people knowing how to sell me a book that I will like , i . e . think is good . It is their job to help people find books that they will like . So they pick a design and a description and a selection of positive reviews that will attract the right people . Sometimes you need multiple editions to attract all the disparate groups of people , each of them convinced that they don 't like " those other " kinds of books . I suppose you could say that the lesson for me here was that I should not judge books by their covers . The text inside either edition of Foreign Affairs is the same , and it is what won the Pulitzer . Just because an author uses romance as her form doesn 't mean that she can 't write a heck of a book . But the cover of a book has less to do with the quality of the contents than who the publishers are trying to sell the book to . It seems that I should judge books by their covers , because someone out there has got me pegged . They know what kinds of books I like , and they know what to do to make me buy them . When Josh first moved to Raleigh , he used to live with four other guys in a house on Kent Road . It was not a nice house , or maybe it used to be a long time ago . However , when he lived there , it really should have been condemned . There was no heating and cooling built - in , so the guys supplied their own space heaters and oscillating fans . The basement flooded every time it rained even a little bit . There was a lot of very questionable wiring . It was a dirty , nasty place , but the price was right . I used to live in a hole , too , back when I was a poor college student . My hole was on Howard Street in Boone , a basement apartment that also flooded , had two windows in the whole place , and noticeably slanted floors ( which was interesting in combination with the flooding ) . My bedroom had a six - inch hole in the wall covered by a piece of cardboard . But I loved the Howard Street apartment . It was just so full of character , and when you 're young and stupid and poor , it 's very easy to confuse flaws with charm . I feel like everyone should live in a crappy apartment at some point in their lives ; then , the only way you can go is up . However , my Howard Street apartment was a huge step up from the Kent Road house , and the difference was Kent Road itself . It was a capital - B Bad neighborhood . Rather , it was more like a little pocket Bad neighborhood , surrounded by reasonably safe student housing on three sides and the beltline on the other . It 's the kind of Bad neighborhood you 'd end up in by accident , because you were just trying to cut from Kaplan Drive to Western Boulevard , and you had no idea that in between was a reliable place to buy crack . Here 's a nice little story to illustrate life on Kent Road : One night , maybe even very early morning , Josh 's brother decided to go for a walk . This was , of course , a terrible idea , and I really don 't even want to speculate what he was thinking . But Josh figured that if he couldn 't talk his brother out of it , he might as well accompany him . They also took along the dog , because dogs don 't care how dangerous the neighborhood is , they always like to go walkies . Down the road , they encountered a man sitting on the sidewalk , cleaning a shotgun . The man looks at them , looks at the dog , looks at them again , and then just nods to them . They continue on their way , end of non - story . I 'm sorry , did I forget to mention that the dog is a Rottweiler ? I guess that was an important part of the story . Whoops ! But yeah , that 's the kind of place that Kent Road is . I never really thought about that until after they moved into the Caldwell Drive house , where the worst thing was the busybody across the street who complained about that same Rottweiler getting into her flower bed . After they moved out , though , it seemed like pure luck that they got out alive . The thing is , there is this weird sort of nostalgia associated with the places you live when you are young and stupid and poor , even places like Kent Road . I guess it 's selective memory . Or maybe a yearning for your own bygone youth . As a part of being young and stupid and poor , we ate a lot of crappy food . I was not poor at the time , but I couldn 't cook , and I was cheap . So we ate frozen pizzas like they were going out of style . A lot of frozen french fries , too and sometimes mac and cheese with hot dogs . Every once in a while , we would really splurge by buying a bag of rolls , an onion , a green pepper , sliced provolone , and whatever cut of beef was marked down because it was about to expire . And also a bag of frozen french fries and soda and / or beer . We 'd grill the sliced veggies and the beef , then dump the whole pile onto two bun bottoms that were sitting right next to each other on a plate , I guess because dividing things up would be too hard . Then we put the cheese on the hot mess and chowed down on a pair of snuggly steak sandwiches . It 's actually a pretty good sandwich , though I can 't eat one without thinking about Kent Road and all the other assorted memories I have of my weekends there . We don 't make them much anymore , probably because I rarely have steak in the house , and I 've learned to cook since our Bad neighborhood days . But then one day a couple of weeks ago , I found myself with some leftover grilled chicken that I needed to use , and thus the Kent Road Sandwich was reborn . Mix up the spices in a bowl . ( Note : This is a spice mix I yoinked out of a Paul Prudhomme cookbook . You can make chicken this way and use in bunches of other ways . That Prudhomme guy knows how to spice a chicken . ) Dredge the chicken in the spice mix . Brown both sides in a frying pan . Transfer chicken to a glass baking dish , bake in 175 degree oven for 12 minutes , or until cooked through ( cooking time depends on thickness of chicken . You could probably pound it flat before cooking if you wanted to get fancy ) . While chicken is in the oven , saute onions and peppers in butter until they start to brown . You will not need to add any seasoning whatsoever to the veggies , as the spice on the chicken will do all the flavor work . I sometimes use the same pan , so the veggies get the spices that hung out in the pan . Once , in college , I ran into a girl that I had roomed with in the dorms . We never had any huge blowout fights , though I did throw some rolls of toilet paper at her once . But we were not well - matched . She was very tidy , while I was not . She was incredibly uptight , and I was only kinda uptight and in different ways . We didn 't hate each other , and had we not lived in the same small room , we might even have been friends . Anyway , I hadn 't seen her or talked to her much since we all moved out . I didn 't particularly want to stop and chat with her now , but the fact that we had shared a bunk bed for a year did mean that I should probably say hello . " Fine . " This was a terrible lie , because I had a nasty cold , which was immediately obvious because my voice sounded raspy . I actually had trouble getting the word out , my voice was so bad . She gave me a funny look , because I sure didn 't sound fine . I guess she knew that I wasn 't very good at small talk , so hopefully she chalked it up to that , rather than me trying to avoid extending our conversation . Last Saturday , after visiting my dad in the hospital , I went to Josh 's show in Boone . And it was weird , to be at a bar , having a beer , watching a show , while my dad was in the ICU . People I knew said hello , how are you , and I was always fine . Not because I didn 't like those people or wanted to cut short talking to them , but because I didn 't want to discuss my ongoing family emergency . And with them not knowing anything about it , that was pretty easy . I was fine . My dad was not fine , and that knowledge was lurking in the back of my mind the whole time , but I was fine and nothing in my voice indicated otherwise . Then Josh 's dad and step - mom showed up , and they already knew , because Josh had told them . Not that there was any reason he shouldn 't tell them , because these people spend Christmas at my house ; we are family . His step - mom came toward me , arms outstretched and her head titled to one side , and I was horrified to realize that I was about to receive a sympathetic hug . She asked how I was ( " Fine " ) , and how my dad was ( " Okay " ) . I told her that he was stable in the hospital , that his right leg had stopped working on him but he was moving it now , that I had seen him and he had been sedated but lucid . It was a very positive outlook . And that was a satisfactory answer , in fact , it was downright chipper . Perhaps I did not need sympathetic hugs after all , just regular haven 't - seen - you - in - a - while hugs . That was the short version , so here 's the extended : my dad has atrial fibrillation , a heart condition that leads to strokes . He will not take any medicine for it . It is not an unusual condition for someone his age ( 77 ) , nor is the medication he would take new - fangled or experimental . But Daddy does not trust doctors . He 's been that way for a long time , and within my family , it 's not an entirely unusual viewpoint , though he is taking it the furthest ( hey , we 're competitive , too ) . I would like to believe that this refusal of his is more about acceptance of mortality than stubbornness and paranoid distrust . Maybe he feels like he has had a rich and full life and is not interested in being immobile and dependent in order to buy a few more years of being immobile and dependent . This is the story that I have told myself . I have no idea what its relation is to the truth or even to any stories that Daddy might tell , but it makes me feel better about the fact that my daddy is choosing to die . I do firmly believe that he does not fear death , but I don 't understand why that would make him choose not to live . It is his right to make that choice , no matter how much it upsets me and my siblings or burdens my mother , his caretaker . We all die , and I hope that when it 's my time , I exhibit the kind of acceptance I 'm ascribing to him . Except that the choice is not even that simple . By choosing to not take preventative measures against them , he is choosing to have more strokes . Which may kill him in one go or they may take him out , one piece at a time over the course of years . So I am in the awkward position of having to hope that my daddy has a great big stroke that kills him dead . So I didn 't want sympathetic hugs and I didn 't want to talk about my dad because I didn 't want to talk about that . I didn 't want to have to explain why he was refusing treatment , nor did I want to have to watch other people realize that they had no possible idea how to comfort me in this situation . So I would not mention that part at all , and then try to act as happy and hopeful as they did about his promising recovery . Because I was fine . Predictably , my dad did get sick again . He came down with some wicked vertigo and his body rejected anything that might have been food . At the hospital , the doctor told him that they might as well send him home , because they couldn 't do anything if he wouldn 't let them . He thought about it , talked to my brother a while , and finally decided that he might as well try the drugs for a trial period . And so we have a better hope , cautious , but still something to be happy about . I am better than fine . My first car was a 1991 maroon Toyota Corolla station wagon , seven years old with 170 , 000 miles . It had been my mother 's mail route car . It had a bumper sticker on it that said , " If you 've got a mailbox , we 'll find it . " It was a good car , but all that through - wind - and - rain - and - sleet stuff can be hard on a machine . About two weeks before my sixteenth birthday , my dad swerved to avoid a car that was pulling out in front of him and took out some mailboxes , which left a big dent in the back door . I fixed it by never using that door . The next spring , I played Peppermint Patty in " You 're a Good Man , Charlie Brown . " We made cartoony flowers for the set out of colored foam and pipe cleaners . After the show ended , I stole a foam flower and hung it from the rear - view mirror of the car . Thus she was christened the Pattywagon . She took me to school and back , to youth group and back , and on all those little afternoon jaunts that were my first taste of freedom at sixteen years old and 97 cents a gallon . Compared to the mail route , Patty 's second life was easy street , but by the time I was about to graduate from high school , she had come to be too unreliable for my college - bound needs , my upcoming second life . My parents had been saving for my education , but when I got scholarships to pay for it , they offered to either take me on an overseas trip or buy me a car . I picked the car . We went up to Toyota of Boone and picked out a teal Corolla with gray interior . It had power nothing , but my parents did let me add on a CD player . They got a $ 1000 rebate for being loyal Toyota customers . The Pattywagon entered her third life at a rural car auction , where she went for $ 300 ( nine years old , 190 , 000 miles ) . The new owner was a young couple who needed a beater car for the wife to tool around in . I still have the flower . The first time I drove Gypsy , my replacement Corolla , was to my high school baccalaureate . My friend Wesley , who was really into cars , after sticking his face into the trunk and inhaling deeply , announced that she was less than a month old . Which was cool , I guess , or maybe just really weird . The point was , she was new . In my own way , I drove her through wind and rain and sleet . There were also at least three blizzards . My college roommate Nick , a mechanic , used to tell me that I should put a Celica engine in her , but I guess we have different ideas of cars . He wants them to go fast , but I just want them to go . Just get me there , it 's your job . Cars are all , by nature , very hard workers . She did not come to be named Gypsy until I 'd had her for six years and was well into my third life . By then , she had taken me up and down the mountains , killed a deer , and been my companion on weekly trips to the arms of my long - distance boyfriend , at $ 3 a gallon . The interior handle on one of the back doors broke , and I fixed it by never using that door . There were dents , there were scratches , there was a hole in the ceiling fabric and a barbecue sauce stain in the seat . She died sitting in traffic , after eight years and 160 , 000 miles . I bought a new red Honda Fit . She has seen one blizzard and at various times has transported a sarcophagus , a table , and a bass amplifier cabinet . She is , as yet , unnamed . These things take time . I called in a favor from Nick , who now worked in a junkyard and had access to parts . He fixed Gypsy for the price of dinner . I sold Gypsy to Josh for $ 1000 , though we never transferred the title . He drove her back and forth to the restaurant , back and forth to band practice . Once , I don 't even know how , he managed to transport the sarcophagus in her . Sunday night , I picked Josh up from a random church parking lot , where he had coaxed Gypsy in to get her out of traffic . She wasn 't very interested in accelerating anymore . AAA towed her to a garage , where they told me it would be $ 1100 just to get her running again . Then , once I had saved up a little more money , I could fix all the other problems that they weren 't even telling me about . Also , she needed new tires . Eleven years old , 187 , 000 miles . We decided to let her go . I sent an email to my mechanic , asking about the best resources for buying a new old car . He answered , but wanted to know what was going to happen to Gypsy . We were planning on donating her , but he immediately offered $ 200 for her without asking what was wrong with her . He wanted to fix her and drive her around . It seemed appropriate that the person who had revived Gypsy into her second life would own her in her third . Maybe he 'd put a Celica engine in her , though there ain 't nothing wrong with the engine that she has . For the past few days , Josh has spent his off - duty hours looking at the cars on CraigsList ; he IMs some to me at work . Some of these ads are not serious leads - ancient Army jeeps , a 1974 Jaguar that is only $ 800 but doesn 't run ( but is beautiful ) . And then intermixed with all these ridiculous cars he would buy if he had the money and the space are a series of old Japanese sedans and wagons , looking to enter into their second or third ( or fourth ) lives . I wonder what he will name it . I asked the stars what to do . They , being giant burning balls of gas , did not answer . Or they did , but I don 't speak Twinkle . Instead , the leash in my hand pulled in the direction of the street . That was Remix telling me that what I should do was go for a walk with her . It was 7 PM and dark and 40 degrees , but we went for a walk . My neighborhood is safe , and I had a flashlight and a pitbull . Just a few hours earlier , we had both been sitting on the futon . Her stomach started heaving . I knew she was about to throw up , and I tried to move her off the futon , but she was not inclined to relocate . That 's the thing about big dogs . You require their cooperation and obedience more than a dog you can simply pick up . This is not a big deal . She 's thrown up before . The pile smelled like dog food and was mostly chunks , with a few tiny green leaves mixed in . You wanted to read a description of my dog 's vomit , right ? Now I could get her to move and so I let her out into the backyard . Whatever else she had to do , she could do out there . Then I went back and cleaned up the futon . The poor , poor futon , which before we got a dog probably could have been passed down to another member of my family like it was passed to me . But no , it will die in my house at the paws of a pitbull . I looked out the back window to check on her . She 'd made another pile of half - digested dog food and was now lying next to it , looking pathetic . I kept peeking out the window at her to see if she was done dumping her stomach contents out , so I could let her back in . I could imagine my reaction if my mother made me go outside in the cold when I was sick . If only I could teach Remix how to use a vomit pan . She wasn 't moving at all . And then at one point I noticed another little pile she had made , but this one was sitting at her back end . She hadn 't even gotten up to poop . Josh said we should wait and see . I was not comforted by this . We threw some towels on the futon to make a little sick bed . Then we went out to get her . She didn 't raise her head at all , and getting her up was out of the question . So Josh picked her up , all 60 pounds of her , and carried her inside . We set her up on the towels . She lied in her new position , just as still as she had been outside . Josh felt her nose and verified that it was cold and wet . Thus our canine medical knowledge was exhausted . I called the vet , because an expert would know whatever step came after touching her nose . They told me to bring her in . Josh said of course they did , because if they said to just wait and see and then our dog up and died , we 'd hold them responsible . I heard him , he sounded reasonable , but then again , my dog was sick . We drove to the vet . While we had carried Remix out to the car , when we got to the doctor 's office , she hopped out of the back seat and sniffed around . I was torn between relief and wishing that she 'd go back to acting sick , so I wouldn 't look like a hysterical pet owner . We waited for the doctor in the examination room , where they advertised specials for your pet 's annual physical , which included all kinds of shots and tests and even x - rays . " These animals have better health care than a lot of people , " I said . " Like me ? " Josh asked . The doctor examined her and told us that she had a cold . She was coughing in the doctor 's office , and he asked if that 's what she had been doing when she threw up . Apparently coughing will activate a dog 's gag reflex , which can cause them to vomit . You can tell the difference by watching whether they cough or heave before it all comes out . I thought back , and I 'd thought she 'd heaved before upchucking , but since she was coughing now , I couldn 't be certain . Again , I felt relieved , but also disatisfied with the answer . A cold would not make her lie down and look like she was waiting for death . He perscribed an oral antiobiotic to give her at home and also gave her a shot of penicillin so that she could start getting better quicker . We can all agree that it was probably a waste of $ 123 . Because my dog was sick , but not that sick , and I really should have just listened to Josh . I listened to him on the drive home from the vet 's , as he told me how I should have listened to him earlier . We got home and Remix drank her bowl of water to the last drop . She seemed fine . I sat on the futon , feeling utterly defeated , because somehow you can fail at owning a dog . She came over to the befouled futon covered in towels and sat down next to me . No , really . When she 's panting , her mouth is so wide that it looks like she is smiling , but this was different . Her mouth was closed , but the sides of her mouth were stretching stretching stretching back to her ears . It looked like a commercial where they digitize a dog 's mouth to smile after delivering the punchline . We 'd never seen anything like it . What is it , girl ? Why are you smiling , puppypants ? She threw up . On the towels , on the futon , on me , a whole bowl of water and a couple of kibble chunks for good measure . There was no coughing , this was no gag reflex , this was projectile vomiting . So much for a cold . I told you , my dog was sick . I had to go run a couple errands and Josh had to go to work . We put her in her crate , so that if she were going to be sick , it would be contained to a limited area . Again , it seemed like punishment . I went off , imagining myself coming home and finding a dead dog all locked up in a crate , in a pool of her own vomit . But she did not die while I was out . She stirred as I came in , and she got quickly to her feet as I unlocked the crate . We had a snuggly reunion . She kept putting her paws over her face , like I 'd seen her do after walking into a spider web . Something was bugging her . I held up her face to get a look at her . Her face was comically swollen . Her lips and jowls were red and puffy . One eye was unable to open all the way . I guess my dog and my boyfriend are allergic to penicillin . What did I do ? I called the vet . By this time , they were closed for the day , but the recorded message directed me to call an all - night clinic . Which I did . I said the vet had given my dog a shot and now she was swelling up like a pitbulloon . They said I should bring her in , just to be safe , since it was possible the swelling could interfere with her breathing . I was out in the driveway , with the address of the all - night clinic typed into my phone for navigation , when I stopped where I stood and asked the stars what I should do , because it was all too familiar and I didn 't know how to tell how sick a dog was and she couldn 't tell me either . Remix hates the car and loves to walk . She wasn 't helpful on whether this was a medical emergency , but she was pretty clear on wanting to take a walk in the moonlight . So that 's what we did . Because I didn 't want to make the same mistake twice , at least not in one day . Because a dog that wants to take a walk can 't be that sick . Because sometimes when you don 't know what to do , you should probably take a walk , and you might as well take the dog , too . When we got back , she was still energetic and happy and Remix - y . I tentatively gave her a bowl full of water and she again drank it to the bottom . I sat with her on the pile of dirty towels and tried to decide if the swelling was any different . Twice , she burped , and I jumped up so fast to get away from the coming onslaught that I startled her . I watched her closely for any trace of a smile . Finally , I just took her out into the backyard , where she spent the time trying to find the pieces of upchucked dog food that I 'd thrown out before . After fifteen minutes , I decided that she was probably not going to hurl , so we came back inside . I started googling allergic reactions in dogs . She went back to pawing at her face . She scratched her head and rolled around on the futon , trying hard to scratch an itch that would not remain scratched . She trotted upstairs . I went looking for her , and found her with her head under the bed . I also found the hives . They were travelling up her legs , red and angry bumps that made her fur stick out unevenly as if she had a bad case of mange . They were on her stomach and her head , and they were starting to close her other eye . They had not been there half an hour ago . Time to go to the vet . As I led her out to the car , I felt the familiar tug of a strong and resistant dog . I thought she wanted to go for a walk , but no , she was rolling around in the gravel in an effort to stop the itch . I tried hard to figure out what lesson I should be learning . Because she wouldn 't have gotten the penicillin , and thus this reaction , if I had not freaked out before , but here I was again , scared that my dog was going to die now because of what I had done when I thought she had been about to die before . On the drive over , I lectured myself . I still wasn 't sure that I wasn 't overreacting again , but I wanted to stop second - guessing myself . This is the path you have chosen , and now you own it . I wondered how much it was going to cost . I asked myself how much I was willing to pay to save the dog , if it came to that . How much was Remix worth to me ? Again , at the vet , she was curious and interested and not sick - acting . But at least this time , she looked absolutely terrible . The nurse asked if they could go ahead and give her some anti - histamines and steroids , and I said yes , please . They brought her out again a few minutes later , and she already looked ten times better . The hives were not visible from a distance , and the swelling was not so noticeable . We were directed to an examination room to wait on the doctor . Remix sniffed around the empty room , then settled down at my feet . A few minutes later , the doctor 's face appeared at the window . Remix growled and barked . She 's not a particularly barky dog , but she does dislike some people . As the doctor came in , Remix continued to act like a mean dog . I kept a strong hand on her collar and got a treat out of my bag to get her to be good . She sat again at my feet , eyes on the biscuit , occasionally turning around to growl . I apologized . It was embarrassing . I told the whole story again , about the throwing up and the lying there , what the other doctor had said and done , about when Remix smiled and threw up on me . The conclusion was that the allergic reaction could have been from the penicillin or it could have been from whatever made her sick in the first place . Basically , if I was trying to learn anything from this experience , they sure weren 't going to help me . The doctor said that based on the blood tests , she really shood keep Remix overnight . I am no professional , but the gist of it was that the swelling could make the dog 's blood sludgy . Remix had sludgy blood , but she was also pretty dehydrated , which is also a cause of sludge blood . So the doc was leaving it up to me , because it wasn 't necessarily a dangerous situation and because Remix was so obviously unhappy . I could pay $ 400 to leave my dog here overnight with an IV drip , or I could take her home . I played the mean dog card and said I wanted to take her home . Since I was taking her home , they wanted to inject her with fluid . The nurse came in to take her back to for this procedure , and I guess the nurse passed the test , because Remix went to her like she couldn 't wait to have another injection . They did a subcutaneous fluid injection , which pretty much means that they pump a bunch of water under the skin . Remix came back with a camel hump , a water pitbulloon . They said dogs had a lot of stretch and space in their bodies that allowed for that , and I just took their word for it , because it looked weird and terrible . Finally , finally , finally , we left . $ 210 . This time , I felt like I was getting off easy . I stopped on the way home for some Benedryl , which I was to give her if the swelling came back . She had some water and then immediately settled down for the night in a tight little ball on the futon . Her weird fluid sac stuck out at an unsettling angle . The next day , she was fine . The fluid sac had moved to her side , but was smaller . The vet called to check on her and say he 'd gotten a fax of the details of her nighttime visit . He said it was probably not the penicillin , but whatever had made her sick in the first place . I said sure , because it was free to lie . But I won 't be letting them give her penicillin again . And next time she throws up , she can just watch cartoons on the couch for a while and feel bad like the rest of us .

September 19 , 2016 Leave a reply Driving through the Midwest is a boring experience . Vast expanses of farmland , rustling gently in the breeze . The great highways lie like chains on the land . In truth the binding is unnecessary - the land is tamed , broken by the plow and spade . It is indisputably the work of human hands . This binding , this breaking resonates even in the supernatural realm . No forgotten beasts stalk the endless rows of corn . There are no stairs to nowhere , no faceless monstrosities , only the mundane horrors that spring eternal from the heart of Man . A body in a shallow grave , a child cowering in fear , chemicals poisoning the land and the water and the mind . Why then do we still tell stories of ghosts in the night when the true monster greets us each day as we walk down the street ? Solitary road trips have a way of stretching out time . Minutes become hours as the road snakes ever forward . Music breaks the monotony , but only for a time before it too is swallowed up by the road , background noise as you travel onward . At the start of your trip you could at least enjoy the scenery , the great mountains of the West , but those soon gave way to the rolling plains and the ever - present corn . One mile looks just like the next . The legend of the Minotaur is one of these stories . Pasiphaë , wife of Minos , King of Crete , was cursed to love a great bull . She gave birth to a fearsome creature , part man , part bull . Minos , in his shame and rage and fear , ordered the construction of a great Labyrinth to hold the beast . The ancients cheered its eventual death at the hands of the hero Theseus , their freedom from the tyranny of Minos . But is the Minotaur not the victim ? Born of a curse , unable to gain sustenance but from human flesh , and trapped in an impossible maze . At the end did the Minotaur welcome the bite of Theseus ' blade ? Did Pasiphaë mourn her misbegotten son ? Some nights you stop and rest , but this night you drive . The road compels you forward and no seedy motel can restrain that impulse . The night is clear ; the gibbous moon gazes down benignly upon you . Its wan light scarcely illuminates the endless oceans of corn , your headlights a beacon while the hungry sea gnaws at the road . Soon another joins the panoply of the heavens - the amber glow of the check engine light . There is a town ahead , you can reach it by dawn . Your car has survived worse . You are jarred back into the normal flow of time as the car 's engine valiantly strives to keep running . clunk You pull off to the side of the road and turn off the car . Silence settles back into the world . Your car has survived worse , but that was in daylight in a bustling city . The formless void of corn offers no solace . As you open the hood you hear the ping of the engine cooling in the night air . You vainly peer in to the mass of metal , but fixing it out here in the dark is futile . There are no landmarks to direct a tow and the likelihood of another driver passing before dawn is low , so you resign yourself to sleeping on the backseat . But wait - off the road , somewhere in the cornfields you see a light . Fiat lux and with it a chance at salvation . As you approach the gap the gravel crunches beneath your feet . Knobby and yellowed with age , it seems to tug at you on each step . The darkness seems more total here as you descend towards the corn . The corn stalks are over 6 feet tall . Only the tallest could have any hope of seeing over them . With a deep breath you enter the labyrinth . The gravel path continues beneath you , winding through the rows . Still you follow the light ahead of you . Perhaps you can sleep in a real bed . The wind rushes through the corn as you come to the end of the path . It ends abruptly before a featureless wall of cornstalks . The light is close now ; if you were seven feet tall you could see the house . Thus you push your way off the path and into the corn . The wind is really picking up . The monotony of the road seeps back into you as you plod forward . The light was so close but it feels like you 've walked for miles . You try to keep walking but despair sets in . Your promised salvation slips through your grasp , a trick , an ignis fatuus . And so you turn around to begin the long walk back to the gravel path and your car . The corn grows thicker , and it is harder to push through it . The ordered rows of the farmer 's planting give way to chaos . Up ahead you see the light again , now taken on a baleful cast . You hear the sound of gravel beneath your feet and with a jolt fall forward onto the ground . The darkness is less absolute here . Beneath your hands roundness gives way to two empty eye sockets that gaze at you accusingly for daring to tread upon its kin in the not - gravel . You keep running back up the path . When you pass through the gap in the fence something changes , as if the world was holding its breath . Like Lot 's wife you turn back and see the cornstalks bend and twist violently , wracked by a storm none can see . The light has gone out . Your car is still sitting there , a flimsy shelter but better than facing what comes unarmored . You fumblingly unlock the car . As you get in you turn the key out of habit - but it starts ! As the engine roars to life the corn goes still . The headlights illuminate the road ahead of you once more , but the gap in the fence is still shrouded in darkness . You hesitate for a second before slamming the pedal to the floor . You nervously glance in the rear view mirror but see nothing besides the solitary mocking light . The monotony of the road does not come back until the first rays of the sun crest the horizon . Why do we tell stories ? We lock our minotaurs in labyrinths of words and sentences and paragraphs . Named and neatly described they lose their power . We need not even slay them to break their hold upon our minds . You make it to the small town shortly after dawn . A grizzled mechanic inspects your engine but finds nothing wrong and sends you on your way . What then of the rest of this lonely trip ? Perhaps the monotony overcomes you and you fall asleep , swerving off the road . Perhaps you are hit and killed by a drunk driver . Perhaps you were the drunk driver and must carry the burden of a sin you cannot remember . Perhaps you burn with a motel as the owner gleefully counts the insurance payout in his head . But let us say you make it safely to your destination . No spurned lovers await you with a knife , no burglaries gone wrong . The experience in the corn is only a memory . Why do I tell this story ? Out here in the cornfields there are no antediluvian monsters , no cosmic horrors , no eldritch abominations . There is only shame and rage and fear , only rust and decay , only the final hours of a land abandoned by modernity - and me . Why do I tell this story ? It is not only minotaurs that can be trapped in the labyrinth of language . Theseus is dead , broken on the cliffs of Skyros , his bones dust . I am the minotaur unmourned in the maze , the devil in the fields , and I have learned all your tricks through the long centuries . The land is bound and broken but I am not . But memories hold power . Each night you hear me crawling up the not - gravel path , trampling anew those who came before you . You escaped this time . After all , people are the real monsters , right ? Of the thousands of deaths that you face none could lead back down that winding path through the corn ? August 10 , 2014 Leave a reply Growing up my brother and I worked at the family restaurant when we weren 't in school . After our mother died , our father poured everything he had into that restaurant . We lived in a small town along a major highway , so we 'd get a lot of people just passing through , getting something to eat after refueling . It never made a lot of money , but there weren 't many other options for work in town . I think he 'd still be running the restaurant today if he hadn 't disappeared . I was sixteen and my brother thirteen the summer he vanished . The weather had been terrible for the past few weeks , either incredibly hot or heavy rain . We hadn 't had a lot of customers as a result , so we were doing a lot of cleaning . I was mopping the floor when he came through the door . Despite the heavy rain and strong winds outside , he was bone dry . He was dressed in a nice suit , which was a bit unusual , but even stranger was the bright green bowler hat he wore on his head . He said nothing other than to order coffee and an omelette . He did not touch the utensils my brother gave him , but instead pulled a wooden set from inside his suit . He was our only customer for an entire week . He 'd come in at about the same time every day and order the same meal . He never spoke and only used his personal utensils . On the eighth day he visited , he finally spoke : " I have a business proposition for you " . My father agreed to speak to him , and sent my brother and I to the back to clean more . Naturally we tried to eavesdrop , but we couldn 't catch anything that was said . When we were called back out front , the man in the green hat was leaving , saying , " You won 't regret it ! I 'll call upon you when it 's time to decide . " The next day the restaurant was packed . All sorts of people that we did not recognize took every available seat . Every one of them wore one piece of brightly - colored clothing . Otherwise they were unremarkable . They ate and drank , were exceptionally polite , and tipped generously . They would be lined up at the door when we opened , and the last of them would leave shortly before we closed . It was hard work keeping up with so many customers , but we were making money like never before . My brother and I fantasized about what we could now afford , but my father looked oddly worried . This continued for weeks . He hadn 't come back to the restaurant , but I deduced that the large influx of people was related to the man with the green hat 's " business proposition " . My father would not reveal anything he discussed with the man , however . The end came suddenly . For the first time since the new customers started coming , a large storm was moving through the area . No one came to the restaurant that day . In a way I was glad , as it gave some time to catch up on some maintenance that had been neglected . Shortly after closing the man with the green hat walked through the door . My father turned a dark shade of red and softly replied , " Get out . Don 't ever come back . I don 't care if I never see another customer . " The man in the green hat looked shocked . " How rude ! After all I 've done for you ? There 's a price all the same . My services are not free . " I had never seen my father this angry . He walked up to the man and shoved him out the door . " SERVICES ? Is that what you call it ? I 've got the contract you sent me last night and I 'm taking it to the police . If I see you again outside of a cell I 'm not going to wait for them to arrest you . " The man in the green hat turned and walked away . My father headed upstairs . That was the last time I saw my father . We searched all the papers in the house but never found the " contract " . No one in town had seen the man in the green hat other than my brother and me . The new customers never came back either . After high school I went to a college on the other side of the country . That town held nothing for me anymore . The restaurant was torn down and there 's a gas station there now . After getting my degree I decided to try and hunt down the man in the green hat . My brother thought I was obsessed . Maybe I am . I feel like I 'm on the threshold of a breakthrough though . I 've heard reports of small businesses being flooded with an influx of oddly - dressed customers . I 've talked to the family members of people who disappeared without a trace . I even saw the man in the green hat once , standing on the side of the road . By the time I pulled over he was gone . I 've traveled the country doing odd jobs chasing him . I 've put together a rough sketch of his movements based on the stories I 've heard : https : / / i . imgur . com / 8WDe8Vm . png . I saw some of the oddly - dressed customers for the first time in New Jersey . Just like I remember each one was wore normal clothes with one brightly - colored accessory . I 'm worried though . His route looks aimless , but I don 't believe that for a minute . I think he 's looking for something . What happens when he finds it ? The door to my bedroom slowly opened . The door doesn 't latch , so there 's nothing that actually keeps it closed . I must have left a window open and the breeze blew it open . I 've got a heavy jar of change that I 've used as a doorstop before . As I slid out of bed to shut the door , I heard a sound : I stepped out into the hallway to see the door to the hallway closet hanging open . I sighed and went back to bed . I was going to have to do something about the doors . I had just moved into this house . This was the first time I had bought a house and it was everything I had wanted . It was a fixer - upper , but I got a fantastic price on it and it was in a great neighborhood . The realtor told me that the previous owner was a rich , eccentric old man and that when he died the house sat vacant for almost ten years as his heirs battled over his estate . For the amount of time it had sat unused , it was in great condition , though the realtor repeatedly told me no one had been inside the house since the previous owner died . The only issue with the house was the doors . When I first moved in every door had some kind of damage to it . Most wouldn 't shut entirely and the door to the basement had a large hole through it . I didn 't want to waste the money I had budgeted for repairs , so I didn 't want replace them all right away . Every night though I 'd lay in bed and hear a click from somewhere in the house and that morning I 'd find some door hanging open . I finally gave in and just replaced them all . Nonetheless , that night I woke up suddenly to hear : click click click click click . Every door in the house was hanging open . I knew I was going to need a professional to come in and redo my work . It would probably push my over my budget , but I didn 't care . In the meantime I bought simple hook latches to put on all the doors so they 'd stay shut . That was a mistake . That evening as I was making dinner I heard an awful CRAAAAAAACK sound and found my basement door split down the middle . The contractor who I hired blamed it on a warped frame and put an especially stout door there . That very night as I was going to sleep I heard the CRAAAAAAACK sound again . I grumbled a bit but decided to leave it for the morning . When I woke up I immediately went to check out the damage . The door was gone , ripped off the hinges . I am not easily frightened , but my concern was growing . Clearly some kind of human agency was involved here , and whoever it was did not want a door there . As such I decided to investigate the basement . The basement was unfinished and was not wired for electricity , so I was only using it for storage . There were still plenty of boxes left over from my move scattered about the floor . Everything was as I had left it , but I was not going to give up so easily . I took my flashlight and began walking about , paying close attention to the walls . I suspected that someone had been using the basement for criminal activity while the house lay vacant and wanted a quick escape route if their normal method of ingress was discovered . There was nothing obvious on the walls so I turned my attention to the floor . I would have missed it were it not for the slight movement I felt in the air was I walked by . There was a trapdoor cleverly concealed in the floor . I was not about to blindly descend into some kind of criminal 's lair , so I headed back up stairs and called the police , requesting that they send over an officer to investigate with me . When he arrived , he requested that I stay upstairs , so I can only relay what he saw second - hand . The trapdoor opened onto a shaft containing a rusty ladder . As he descended , the air became cooler . When he stepped off the ladder the air temperature was likely around 50 degrees Fahrenheit . As he shone his flashlight about he realized that he was standing in a large natural cave . There was an tunnel at the other end of the cavern but it had been sealed with rubble . The only other entrance was via the stream running through the cave . He surmised that the stream eventually emerged above - ground and from there the criminals would swim into this cave . Oddly , there were no signs of use or habitation except some inscriptions on the wall near the blocked tunnel . The first was marked with the symbol ☊ : Y ' AI ' NG ' NGAH , YOG - SOTHOTH H ' EE - L ' GEB F ' AI THRODOG UAAAH and the second was marked with the symbol ☋ : OGTHROD AI ' F GEB ' L - EE ' H YOG - SOTHOTH ' NGAH ' NG AI ' Y ZHRO . When the officer returned to the house , we discussed plans for catching whoever was using the cave . Judging from how quickly they had torn down the doors in the past , they were clearly visiting it on a regular basis . The next day I was to put up a new door to the basement . Several police officers would wait in the basement that night and catch them in the act . I stayed at a hotel that night ; it was the best night 's sleep I 'd had it a while . There were no sounds in the night , except for a faint tap tap tap at the window . I didn 't think much of it at the time . I returned to my house the next morning and set to work putting up the new door . It wasn 't as strong as the previous doors , but if all went well it wouldn 't matter anyway . As the sun set three officers showed up at my door . I set up some chairs near the trapdoor for them and went about my business . I checked on them once more before heading to bed . That was the last time anyone would see them . I was awoken at 3 AM to a tap tap tap at my window . I rolled over and looked out the window . I would swear that I saw a man standing there , grinning , if not for the fact that I was on the second floor . I blinked and he was gone , but in his place I heard a faint chanting y ' ai ' ng ' ngah , yog - sothoth h ' ee - l ' geb f ' ai throdog uaah . When it finished I heard a gunshot ring out from my basement . Again and again the gun fired as I ran down the steps . When I reached the basement door , it was silent . The door was still there , but it was gouged extensively . I think my neighbors called the police , because within minutes my house was swarming with police . They found no bullets , no shell casings , in fact no evidence that the original three officers had ever been there . The trapdoor was open and belching fetid air into the basement . Two officers descended the ladder into the cave . There was utter silence for twenty minutes until the police radio crackled into life : " I 'm sorry . It 's better this way " . Then there was a single gunshot . The radio buzzed again : " Don 't follow " . With that the trapdoor slammed shut . No one could open it again . I packed a few essentials and checked into a hotel again . I wasn 't going to spend another night in the house . I slept uneasily after checking in . I kept hearing a tap tap tap at the window , but when I looked over nothing was there . At some point I gave up trying to sleep and headed to the hotel bar , hoping to drown my memories . The bar was empty , except for the one person sitting at the bar : my realtor . I ran up to her and started telling her the whole story . When I got to the end , she just laughed and finished her drink . " Did you really think you 'd get away that easily ? " she said as she walked away . I ran after her but when I got to the lobby she was gone . This is the fifth hotel I 've stayed at since leaving my house . I haven 't been back , but I 've seen news reports on the mysterious deaths of multiple police officers . It 's usually quiet for the first few nights I 'm at the hotel . Then I hear it : tap tap tap . Eventually I 'll see him out the window again , just standing there grinning . I always ask for the top floor , but it doesn 't make any difference . He still finds me . Then click and the door to my room slowly opens . By the time the chanting , y ' ai ' ng ' ngah , starts I 'm running out the door and on to a new hotel . I 'm getting really tired of running though . At the last hotel I tried staying through the chanting . I made it until the AC started to pump that same fetid smell into the room . I 'm not going to try that again . I 'm starting to think I should go back . The trapdoor is sealed , but I found a stream that I believe is the same one that runs under my house . It should only be a short distance to swim . I 'm so tired ; I just want some closure . He can have my house back . I don 't care about the money . I just want to sleep . July 26 , 2014 Leave a reply My uncle did come back , exactly as he promised . When the first light of the moon shone feebly through the windows , I heard a knock on the door . Not the door you 're probably thinking of though . The knocking was coming from the cellar . No , no , that 's not it . I have hardly slept since then and everything is jumbled together in my mind . Let me start from the beginning . After the police left , I started scouring the house looking for any clue as to what was going on . I ripped apart all the furniture , hoping for anything that would make what I saw on the other side of that creek make sense . Going by what I saw in the house my uncle was a perfectly normal person , if somewhat isolated . I couldn 't even find the map I saw with the hill marked . My emotions got the better of me and I punched the wall in frustration . A cool breeze wafted through the hole left by my fist . I 'm sure there 's some kind of mechanism that would open the wall there , but I didn 't care . I took a sledgehammer to it and burst through like the fucking Kool - Aid Man . Now that seems like a stupid idea , but at the time I was angry and frightened and it made sense . On the other side I found a steep flight of stone stairs leading down to a damp cellar . Down there were all the answers I was seeking … and a door . The door was propped open , and on the other side was a dark tunnel leading off somewhere . I wasn 't about to venture down it , so I shut the door and barricaded it with a heavy table while I read through the papers I had found . I now know why the police just laughed at me . They 're in on it . My parents are in on it . This whole backwater town is in on it and my uncle is the fucking high priest . They claim to be worshipping Lugh , but all they do is sacrifice . Animals , blood , even people all go to feed the " hunger " . And they take pictures of everything . I saw them torturing countless animals . I saw my uncle eating a deer 's heart . I don 't know how long I sat down there looking at these pictures , but when I finally went back upstairs to eat I saw the moon just above the treetops . That 's when I heard the first knock echoing from that cellar . I grabbed my uncle 's shotgun and headed back down the stairs . He must have heard me , because he called out : " Please open the door . All can be explained . " I did open the door . I pushed back the heavy table , opened the door , and shot him . I fired twice more but he was dead before he hit the ground . I buried his body in the corner of the cellar . I guess I was feeling brave , because when I was done I grabbed a flashlight and headed into the tunnel . It was musty , but there was a faint smell of decay . I walked for quite some distance and the tunnel never branched or changed course . I was about to turn around when the tunnel opened up into a large room with many doors set into the walls . I walked all the way around it and found that the room was otherwise a dead - end . I opened the first door on my left and followed that branch a short distance to a rusty ladder . I climbed it and opened the hatch at the top to find myself in the forest on the other side of the creek , near the spot where my brother disappeared . I think I know how he vanished now . As I was standing there that strange buzzing sound started up again . It seemed closer somehow . I darted back into the tunnel and started running back to the house . The smell of decay was stronger now . The sound followed me for a while but eventually it ceased . In a way the silence was more ominous . After barricading that door again , I tried to go to sleep . I could only lay in bed though and stare at the ceiling . There were no strange sounds , no spectral apparitions , but I couldn 't shake the feeling that something was horribly wrong . My whole body was tensed in anticipation for something to happen . Maybe this is how it feels to kill a man . I went back down to the cellar as soon as I got up . My makeshift barricade was in place , but something had dug up my uncle 's body . In the hole left behind was a revolver with a single bullet and the words YOUR CHOICE scratched in the dirt . I am not a coward . My brother deserves better . They killed him and I am not going to take the easy way out . If I read their " scripture " correctly the rest of the cult will be gathering here the day before Lughnasadh to prepare their sacrifice . I don 't know what will happen now with my uncle dead . There 's a sound coming from the other side of the door now . I 've pushed more furniture up against it but I can 't do anything to stop the sound . It 's not the buzzing noise this time . I wish it was because this is far worse . It 's my uncle 's voice , asking me to open the door and let him in . He says Lugh is getting hungry . He 's started knocking again . He 's started begging now . He sounds more terrified than I am . He 's dead though and I am not . What do the dead have to fear ? July 24 , 2014 Leave a reply Today has been the most disturbing experience of my life . As planed , today I crossed the bridge over the creek . I wasn 't expecting it to be a pleasant experience , but nothing could have prepared me for what I actually saw . Once I got past the trees the lined the bank , I quickly noticed that the forest floor was covered in bones . Snakes , deer , dogs , and some things I couldn 't recognized were all jumbled together . These were 't natural deaths either . Most had the skull pierced right above the eyes . It was unnaturally quiet on that side of the creek too . As I walked towards the hill the only sound was the rustling of bones under my feet . My research on Lughnasadh told me that it was associated with a tradition of climbing hills , so I wasn 't about to try to climb the hill my uncle marked . I didn 't need to though . The real horror awaited me as I reached its foot . There was a stone archway over a path that led to the crest of the hill . On either side stood a human skeleton . Just like the animals the skulls were pierced right above the eyes . My brother was on the right . Time and the elements had damaged it , but I 'd recognize that stupid flame shirt he wore anywhere . Everyone mocked him for it , but he thought it was the coolest thing in the world . I 'm not ashamed to admit that I broke down crying when I saw him . He was just a kid and now he 's stuck here for what ? Some kind of twisted fantasy ? He doesn 't deserve that . No one deserves that . When I regained my composure , I took a closer look at the skeleton on the left . It was hard to tell , but I 'm pretty sure it was my aunt . I recognized her necklace and it looked like her favorite dress . When she died a few years ago my uncle told everyone it was a car accident and insisted on a closed casket at the funeral . I 'm not sure what we buried in her place . As I stood there in shock , that buzzing sound started up again . Something drew my eyes up the hill , where two figures stood on the crest . They started to descend the path towards me . Every muscle in my body was straining to move me anywhere but there but I felt rooted in place . As they walked the buzzing started to almost sound like words : tar chugam . Something snapped and I was able to move again . I ran faster than I ever have back across that bridge . When I was safely across I dared to look back . The two figures from the hill were nowhere to be seen , but a fog was starting to rise from the creek and the buzzing was only getting louder . I don 't know if whatever is over there can cross the bridge . I 'm afraid to find out . When I got back to the house there was a note on the door in my uncle 's handwriting : I shall return with the moon . All will be made clear . I 'm not positive , but it looked like it was written in blood . I headed back into the forest to find the search party . I asked the police to stay at the house for tonight . I showed them the note and told them what I saw on the other side of the creek . They just laughed : " Your uncle isn 't a missing person anymore , is he ? " I begged for someone to look across the creek . Even if they didn 't care about my uncle they 'd have to care about the bodies . Still they laughed . I think they 're all back in town now . They 're probably still laughing about my " wild stories " . I don 't know what to do . I don 't even know if that note is from my uncle . If it is him , maybe can explain what 's going on , but I don 't want anything to do with what 's on the other side of the creek . If the footprints I saw are any indication , he can come and go freely over there . If it 's not from him … Lughnasadh is only a few days away . July 23 , 2014 Leave a reply When I was a kid my family would go camping at least once a month . Even if it was only for a weekend , I loved it . We lived in a big city , so being able to see the stars was always my favorite part . My uncle owned a large plot of land that bordered a state park . Even though it was a long drive to get there , it was our favorite destination because we could camp for free on his land while still having easy access to the park . Part of this park was an old - growth forest that extended onto my uncle 's property . To this day that forest is one of the coolest places I 've ever been . As a kid I loved exploring the small caves that dotted the landscape and sword - fighting with my brothers using whatever fallen branches we could find . As I got older I appreciated the sheer immensity and age of the forest . It might seem a bit irresponsible , but my parents gave my brothers and I free rein in there . There were only two rules : be back by dusk and don 't cross the creek . The second rule came straight from my uncle . I 'm not surprised my parents went along with it ; the creek was rather unusual . I 'm not sure why it was called a creek to begin with . Though it was narrow , it was deep and the current was swift . I once saw a deer tumble into it and it was gone in the blink of an eye . I 'm not sure how I could have crossed it even if I wanted to . The trees were older and thicker near the creek too , so it was always dim on its banks . I was honestly too frightened of falling in to really get close to it until I was twelve and my older brother dared me . The last time we camped on my uncle 's land was when I was fifteen . It was July and my brothers and I were all on summer break , so we planned to spend a whole two weeks there . Our third day there was incredibly hot , so my brothers and I headed deeper into the forest . Before long we found ourselves by the creek . We were aimlessly walking along the bank throwing stones into the water when we came across a vine hanging from one of the nearby trees . It was perfectly positioned to swing across the creek . We were all a bit rebellious at that time , so we didn 't even need to speak to know what we were going to do . We drew straws ; my younger brother was going to swing across first while I got the short straw and was stuck staying on our side of the creek to throw the vine across when they wanted to come back . He swung across and landed safely , but to taunt us he kept ahold of the vine . While he gloated , we heard a strange buzzing sound from the woods behind him . A fog started to form over the creek . My brother 's last words were " What the fuck ? " and then he was gone . My parents told everyone that he slipped into the creek and drowned . I suppose that 's a reasonable story if you weren 't there . If you would ask me or my older brother we 'd repeat it dutifully . My parents weren 't there though . They didn 't hear that sound . They didn 't see him disappear . Why am I telling you this ? My uncle disappeared last week . His wife died in 2011 and he had lived alone since then . My parents and I had driven out to visit him and we found the house locked and empty . While my parents talked to the police , I took a walk in the forest to clear my head . Almost unconsciously I found myself standing at the creek , across from where my brother vanished . That damn vine was still hanging there too . Everything was exactly how it was that day , except for the stone bridge spanning the creek . It looked like it had been standing for centuries , but that 's obviously impossible . There are three sets of muddy footprints on the bridge . Two sets look like my uncle 's work boots , crossing from where I stood to the other side . The third set looks like my uncle crossing back , but accompanied by a large goat . It almost looks like the goat was walking on two legs though . I 've been with every search party in the forest and not once have we crossed the creek . I asked the deputy leading the search about it once and he told me that they were following procedure and shooed me away . He looked pretty uncomfortable about the whole thing . This morning I found a large map of the forest in the attic . My uncle had circled a hill just across the creek from the bridge circled prominently in red ink and marked with the word " Lughnasadh " . You 'd probably be able to see it without even crossing the creek if it weren 't for the dense trees along the bank . I 'm going to cross the bridge tomorrow even if no one else comes with me . I hope he 's over there . Ugh . That was the last thing I wanted to hear . It had already been a long day at work , the train was late , and I had forgotten my book at home that morning . No cell service down here , so I got read the same ads over and over again . At least the car was pretty empty so I could sit down . After what felt like an eternity the train lurched back to life . Subway tunnels aren 't exactly bright , but it was unusually dark . The train was moving pretty slowly , so to stave off boredom I was using my phone as a flashlight to look out the window . Something darted away , back into the gloom . Again ? We had to be close to the next station by now . Thankfully the train got moving again pretty quickly . As it started moving I caught a glimpse of something in the tunnel . That something turned towards me and and smiled . I got off at my usual stop to transfer to the train that would finally take me home . There was no one else on the platform except for a woman pushing a stroller with a baby . As I walked past her I smiled and waved at the baby . When the baby saw me it started wailing and screaming . The woman gave me an odd look , so I just kept walking . The further away from the screaming baby the better . The diner was empty when I came in , but when I got my food a young couple came in with the son . He was probably 4 - 5 years old . They started to take a table near mine when their son started crying . The man gave me an apologetic look as he stood back up . As they moved to another table I looked around , thinking I had missed seeing someone else eating . No one else was there . Probably just the kid 's imagination . After I ate and went home there was nothing I wanted more than to sleep . It had been a long day and my mind was playing tricks on me . As I was getting into bed I though I heard someone say July 4 , 2014 Leave a reply They say my brother killed himself last month . His death was a complete shock to everyone . His birthday was coming up , so I had headed to his house to surprise him when I found his body . There was a note and his journal near him , but it was clear that he had burned a lot of papers . After reading his journal I wish I knew what was in those papers . It might help explain what happened . The note was pretty incoherent , alternating between apologizing and stating that he " just wanted out " . The journal was not as bad , but the contents were very strange . His friends think he went crazy and started hallucinating . I can 't believe that . I saw him many times in the weeks leading up to his death and he was never anything but completely normal . They haven 't read all of his journal either . I 've typed up a portion of his journal here . The last entry is from the day he died . No one has ever seen someone matching Carter 's description . Maybe someone has seen similar things though . Maybe someone can help explain what happened to my brother . I had a weird experience today . I bumped into a crazy homeless person at the library . He smelled like he hadn 't showered in a decade and looked like he was wearing a trash heap . He was tall though , with the whitest hair I 've ever seen . I apologized for bumping into him but he didn 't say anything , just glared . His eyes were weird ; I guess I 'd call them bright . The rest of the time I was in the library he just glared at me . I guess accidentally touching him was some kind of grave insult . I saw that homeless guy outside when I was out getting lunch today . He must have gotten some new clothes because he was wearing a beat - up old suit . I wonder how he knew where I worked . His eyes are so strange ! I swear if you met him the dark you 'd still be able to see them . He was outside my house today ! I called the police and they said they 'd have an officer drive by , but that was four hours ago and nothing has happened . I 've locked all the doors and windows and closed all the curtains but I know he 's still out there staring at me . With that he left . I don 't know what is going on . I know he 's going to be back out there tomorrow morning to ask about his " proposition " . Maybe I can get a cop to come down here . It 's been a crazy couple of days . I realize now that I shouldn 't have judged Carter so harshly . Being down on your luck doesn 't necessarily make someone evil or dangerous . He sounds pretty erudite . I think he was a professor or something before he fell on hard times . He did return after 24 hours with his proposition . After hearing him out I accepted . He 's probably making it all up , but he didn 't ask for much in return . He told me that his " brothers " would come to me and that I needed to " let them in " . I 'm not really sure what that means , but he said I would know when the time came . After doing so he would give me " unimaginable powers " and " dominion over men " . Kind of weird , but if it makes this guy 's life better I 'll do it . Having some family around will probably be good for him . Maybe I can help him get his life back on track while I 'm at it . It 's 3 : 00 AM and I 'm writing this because I have never been so terrified in my life . It 's such an innocuous sound : gentle waves on the shore . But why was it coming from inside my closet ? Somehow I worked up the courage to open the closet door . There was a soft laugh and the sound stopped . I have no idea what 's going on , but there 's no way I 'm sleeping any more tonight . My closet was normal this morning . Maybe what I heard last night was just a dream . Carter was outside my house again . This is the first time I 've ever seen him smile . It 's not a natural smile though . It 's almost predatory . Now sounds are coming from my basement . It 's a weird scratching sound , like something sharp dragging across concrete . I tried to go down there but none of the lights would turn on . Carter is now nowhere to be seen . I 've walked all across town and haven 't seen him once . This is somehow related to his proposition , I know it . I asked some of the other homeless I saw if they knew him but no one would give me a straight answer . The lights finally work in my basement again . I had to change out all the bulbs though . They were all filled with dirty water . I found some coordinates gouged into the floor : 54 ° 25 . 8 ′ S 3 ° 22 . 8 ′ E . Apparently it 's some uninhabited island . I 'm not really sure what to make of this . That 's it . I want out of this damn " proposition " . Every night for the last two weeks weird sounds have been coming from various enclosed spaces . One night it 's the attic , another it 's a file cabinet . I even heard a crying child in my fridge . Every time I open the door and there 's nothing unusual inside . The sound stops and I hear a faint laugh or sigh of relief . No one else can ever hear anything . I finally found Carter today . I asked him to let me out of our bargain . He refused and told me there would be a " heavy price " to pay if I did not uphold my end . I 've got an idea that I think will stop the sounds though . Whatever it is seems to require an enclosed space that I can somehow open . Tonight I 'm going through my whole house and opening every door , cabinet , drawer , whatever . It worked ! Last night was the first time in weeks I 've had a full night 's sleep . It 's a bit inconvenient having everything open , especially the fridge , but I 'll make do . Maybe I can pay Carter to end our bargain and then my life can go back to normal . Another normal night , but Carter was outside my house this morning . He was furious . He told me that I would " pay for my insolence " . If he 's still outside when I get back from work I 'm going to stay in a hotel for a few days . Maybe I should take a long vacation . Thankfully he was gone when I got home . I hope he 's losing interest . I think I am going to take a vacation though . A few weeks away will clear my head and that should be enough time for Carter to either wander out of town or get picked up by the police . July 2 , 2014 Leave a reply I was never a superstitious person . Scary stories were a fun way to pass the time , but there is nothing of substance behind them . Walking up the stairs in the dark held no fear for me , and I once happily spent the night in an abandoned hospital . That said , I had always loved a sense of mystery . Numbers stations filled that void perfectly for me . Not only are they rather mysterious , but it 's also easy to get started listening to them . Most importantly , whether it 's secret messages to spies or a " dead hand " system , they are real . I bought all the necessary equipment and tuned in to all the well - known stations . UVB - 76 was my favorite ; I even caught one of the rare voice broadcasts ! About a year after starting the hobby , though , I was getting bored of it since I hadn 't heard anything new in a while . One night I was absentmindedly fiddling with my radio , debating if I should just box it up entirely , when I hit 5966 kHz and heard a strange droning sound . There were no concrete words being said , but it sounded like it was just under the threshold of being comprehensible . I couldn 't find any references to broadcasts on that frequency . Discovering this unknown station rekindled my excitement . Despite the lack of any meaningful sounds , each night I 'd tune in and just listen to the droning while doing other things . One night I accidentally left my radio on while sleeping . That night was the first time in my life that I was able to experience a lucid dream . I had tried lucid dreaming before and failed , so to enter that state so easily was thrilling . Something about that droning sound made it so easy to enter that state . The station is gone now , but considering what I heard I think that is for the best . Looking back on it now I question how much control I actually had in those dreams . I had been lucid dreaming with the aid of that station for several weeks when I heard it 's first and only voice broadcast . It was the night of April 30 . I have transcribed it here from memory here . There were two distinct voices interspersed with bits of Morse code . The first voice was a normal man 's voice , though he sounded exhausted and afraid . The second voice was a sibilant whisper , barely audible . I am the only one left who remembers . There are four others with me still , but they are beyond us now . None of us thought it would come to this . giveupgiveupgiveup nonononono We were thrown out of every university . They laughed at us . No one fools took our hypothesis seriously . We proposed that one could unlock certain functions in the brain that were normally considered supernatural : telepathy , mind control , remote viewing , tulpas , etc . wearefreenowwearefreenowyoucantsendusback We were right , and yet we were so terribly , utterly wrong . We left the universities , left the cities , and went to the old places . The veneer of civilization wears thin in such places , and the people did not laugh nightfallsandthenyouaremine when we told them our theories . giveupgiveupgiveupnoonecanhearyou We had our first breakthrough after six months of work . Dr . Wu had left by that point , returned penitent to his alma mater . evenheislost We discovered a complex sequence of tones that would induce a state like lucid dreaming . Unlike a true lucid dream , however , the dreamer had no control over their actions , controlisanillusiongiveupgiveupsleepnow and instead were controlled entirely by the modulation of those tones . While remarkable , merestfractionofourpoweryouareallfools this discovery was not very useful as the dreamer 's actions had no effect on the waking world . idiot We needed something better if we were to return in triumph , and we had it two months later . I cannot bring myself to describe the depraved ritual it required to unlock the words , but we could now create entities by sheer force of will . ifonlyyouknew Those poor men , I sometimes think their fate was a merciful one , but why can I not remember their names ? weonlytakewhatisgiven confessioncannotsaveyounowyouaremarkedwiththeirbloodforever This was possibly the greatest scientific breakthrough the world had ever seen . The six of us that remained quickly set to work to determine to what uses we could put these beings . wewereslavesonceneveraginneveragainneveragain We never found something they could not do , yoursubstanceissocrude only things for which we would not pay the price . And everything had its price . socloseicantasteyourfear Thought and memory is their sustenance . I know I have given up much , youwillneverknowthetruth but there is one price I will not pay . thereisnowayoutgiveupgiveupgiveup Dr . Jones tried to break that bargain and he is lost to us now . ifonlyyouknew After that night there were no further transmissions on that station . I haven 't really slept well since then . All of my skepticism seems to have vanished . Nights seem darker now , and when I lay in bed I hear faint whispering all around me . I 'd like to think that what I heard was a joke or some kind of radio play . It would help me sleep at night . I don 't know why I am writing this down . I feel like I 've been so forgetful recently . It must be the lack of sleep . I work as an assessor for the state government , generally handling eminent domain cases . It can be a difficult job because people rarely want to leave their property , and they take their frustrations out on me . I 've been shot at , had dogs set at me , anything you can imagine . A hydroelectic dam was going to be built to provide power to much of the state . The area of the reservoir was generally uninhabited except for one small town . There couldn 't have been more than 50 people living there . There were no paved roads into the town , and it huddled against the edge of an old forest . Unsurprisingly I was the only car on the road that morning . It was surprising , however , that no one was out and about . It was a bit foggy still , but the sun was out and it was shaping up to be a beautiful day . I decided to start with what appeared to be the town hall . Inside I was met by an old woman , presumably the receptionist . Unlike the receptionist , the mayor greeted me warmly . When I stated my business he paused for a moment as if straining to hear something in the distance . " Maybe it is better this way , " he sighed after a few moments . " I have only one request : spend a few nights here and read through this journal . I 'll put you up in my house . You should know what we 'll be leaving behind . " The mayor 's request was odd , but it was much better than the violent responses I 've seen before . I can understand how leaving behind a place you called home can be difficult , and I assumed he wanted to share that with me . In any case , I 'd read it happily if it would make getting the residents out easier . I left the journal with the mayor for now and spent the rest of the day assessing property values . As it grew close to dusk I headed back to the town hall to meet the mayor . His wife had made an uninspired pork roast for dinner and I helped clean up afterwards , but then it was time to start on the journal . It was loosely bound and ancient . It felt like something you 'd see behind glass at a museum . I was a little uncomfortable turning the pages , fearing they would crumble to dust . I flipped through it briefly ; the first entries were from the late 18th century and they continued through the present day . The journal was entitled " The Diary of Christian Rozenkreuz and Those That Shall Come After Unto the End of Days " . The early parts of the journal were mostly illegible , but seemed fairly mundane . The only distinguising feature to the entries was that deaths or births in the family were recorded with a special red ink . From what I could gather Christian Rozenkreuz had come here fleeing some unspecified event in Europe . By the time I had reached 1875 , I noticed two oddities . First , Christian Rozenkreuz 's death was never recorded . Second , there had been several mentions of a " witch - light " in the forest . It was a deep red color and appeared only intermittently . Nothing unusual was recorded in the journal other than the light , but the authors were clearly terrified of its appearance . " You should not have come here . No more should see it . There can be no forgiveness . " With that he walked away and in a few moments the lights in the house went out . I had to find my way to my bed by the reddish glow of the witch - light . I barely slept that night . That damned glow waxed through the night until banished by the first rays of dawn . There was a light breakfast set out for me downstairs , but the mayor and his wife were nowhere to be found . As I walked into the forest I quickly passed out of sight of the town . The underbrush was dense , but otherwise the forest was fairly normal . It had a strange beauty , and I was sad that it would soon be drowned by the reservoir . I had travelled about two miles was ready to turn back when I saw the cave . It was only visible from the right angle , but the mouth flickered with a reddish glow . I had found the source ! I hurried back towards the town . I needed answers . I ended up taking a different route to the town than I had taken into the forest , so the first house I saw belong to someone I had not yet met . It belonged to an elderly couple who were sitting on their porch watching the forest . When they saw me emerge from the trees they quickly went inside and slammed all the doors and windows shut . I checked the town hall , but the mayor was not there . Thus I headed to his home . He wasn 't there either , but there was a new entry in the journal . My coming to the town was recorded as was the witch - light . I went back into town then and asked anyone I was about the light . No one would speak to me and it was soon clear that the residents were starting to avoid me . Even asking about assessing their property was met with blank stares . " What town ? That dam has been there for decades . Are you sure you 're okay ? You look like you haven 't slept in ages . " Ron was right ; the dam was built in 1930 and there are no records of a town being flooded by the reservoir . I see that accursed light every night now . I hear it too . It would be so easy to do what it asks . Just a few simple words : " Come back . We forgive you . " I could rest then . What could be easier ?

It was the kind of thing she remembered every day of her life , she remembered what it was like to struggle . She herself knew what it was like to not have food on the table , to have what you cared for die before her very eyes . Chicago was not friendly to those unless you had money , Eden was a city kid she always had been . Her mother left her with her father when she was five , and never came back . Her father made the most of a bad situation . Though she could always feel the kindness from her father , he worked long hours . They may have only had maybe an hour or two to hang out . But she did not mind , since he put food on the table . But her life changed at the age of seventeen years old , she had been playing at the club and someone heard her playing and gave her a contract , she was very happy about it and when she rushed home . She found her father dead on the floor , someone broke in . She had to bury her own father that day , it was something that haunted her off and on since she was a kid . But now at the age of nineteen she had everything she could ever want , but she never let money challenge the kind of person she was . It was rather nice to have the things she wanted . But she also gave back a lot as well , she helped people when ever she could . She even had a special foundation for the needy , for people looking for another chance . It was nasty outside as Eden was walking the streets , she lived in the high end area of the city and enjoyed her life . Sighing a bit as her grey eyes scanned the area , a kind smile on her face as she stuck her hands into her coat pockets , seeing her breath every single time she exhaled and enjoyed the time . Sitting on a bench as she just sometimes did watching people in cars drive back and forth . Here being normal she had fun . Not everything in life goes according to plan . Nobody knew that better than Henry Gibson . Oh things started out ok . He grew up in a typical household , bouncing back and forth between divorced parent that were bitter and more interested in living for themselves than for their son . But he managed to rise above it all . At least he graduated from high school . And he had good enough grades that he could have gone to college had he been able to afford it . But he couldn 't . And it wasn 't as if his parents could help him even if they had wanted . He took a job as a welder out of school and was able to move out on his own . He spent his free time hanging out with buddies , drinking beer and generally trying to make ends meet week to week . And then one night , he met Jenny . She was from a well to do family and was way out of his league . But somehow , she managed to find something in him she liked . And she hung around even though her parents clearly did not approve . Henry eventually asked her to marry him and to everyone 's surprise , she accepted . They were married for two years before Henry came home early one day to find her fucking his best friend . Three months and countless fights later , they were getting divorced . Her parents helped with her attorney where Henry could hardly afford one . So it was no wonder that he lost everything in the divorce . Not long after that , he lost his job and found himself penniless with bills he could not pay . He got kicked out of his apartment two months later with nowhere to go . His parents were rid of him and his friends wanted nothing to do with him . Fortunately for Henry , it was during the warmer summer months . He resorted to living out of his broken down car until it was eventually towed by the city . Now it was late fall . The weather was getting very cold , especially at night . Henry was now living in a makeshift camp with several other homeless folks in the woods just outside the main park downtown . It was an area on the fringe of the high rent district . Known by the local police , they __________________ Seasons came people were always the same , most were selfish . Only looking out for other people , it was rather hard to sit still . Eden was the type of girl who just wanted to really belong to someone . She did not really have a dominate personally , unless it came from her job . Battling people to get a record made , Eden was a simple girl who wanted things to run smoother . But knew that it was actually just a dream , a dream she wanted to come true . But if wishes came true then there would be no starving people any place , there would be peace . No war and no problems , but that was a dream that destroyed the human condition . The human condition is the reason they were so flawed , Eden saw things in a different way . Though she never showed this side to anyone , she pushed people away not trusting anyone . Her family life was really nothing , her father was a drug addict and her mother to busy being a doctor . Eden walked the streets of Chicago and it was getting even colder , she decided to move and walk around . Since she was rather cold , and waking around helped her stay very warm . She was humming one of her songs , but noticed a man he seemed very down in his luck . People ignoring him like he was a bug to be crushed , but not to Eden . She saw an opportunity to actually do some good with her money , Eden never did get a loft . She lived a simple life , a nice simple apartment and a simple car . Though she did not really use it at all . The man she figured had been homeless , so walking up to him she smiled . Eden had no idea what the hell she was doing , but she did not want to trick him of course . She was not so cruel as other people in the damn city , she took out some money and put it in his cup it was five thousand dollars . Not really thinking she smiled at the guy and headed away . In the back of her mind she would hope that he would go after her , perhaps talk with her . She was never good with people , she was shy around men . And never knew why she was shy . But all in all she stopped by the bench not to far from him and sat down , she __________________ The wind was really blowing today and Henry had to stay wrapped up tight with his wind breaker and kept his head down even more than usual to try to stay warm . He wondered if today might be one of those rare days where it made more sense to stay still , hidden from the biting wind rather than walking around to keep warm . His head was hanging so low now , he hardly saw where he was going . Not walking really . Just shuffling his feet , moving forward but going nowhere . He held his coffee mug limply in his hand . It was metal and cold but unbreakable . And during those precious moments when he sat in the diner drinking a fresh cup , the metal radiated warmth to his bare hands . Occasionally people would bump into him slightly on the crowded walk way . To the point that he hardly noticed when he felt the slightest of tugs on his mug . He didn 't even look up to acknowledge the person bumping into him . Glancing down , he could see there was money in it now where before there was nothing . It wasn 't unusual for people to offer him handouts along his walks but he certainly was not expecting anything while we he was stumbling along in the cold with his head down . You usually had to make some kind of pathetic eye contact to illicit a handout . But this one came from out of the blue . Completely unexpected . But that was not the only thing that caught him off guard . He stared at his cup for a long moment , not really comprehending what he was seeing . Yes there was money in his cup . Ok . So that was not so unusual . But this time , there seemed to be a lot of it . Numerous bills . Not a single one . Or even a five or ten . But a wad of bills . Henry just stared at the money . Afraid to touch it for fear that it might somehow disappear . Some cruel mirage . Lord knows he could use more than a couple of dollars . To get a real meal . Maybe even find a place to buy a coat . Or a sleeping bag . His needs at this point were minimal . But they still required money he did not have . Finally , he could resist no more as he reached into the cup and took out the wShe looked up and smiled a wonderful warm smile and nodded politely . " Um , ma ' am , I 'm afraid there has been a mistake . I 'm afraid you put the wrong money in my cup . " And with that , he reached in and grabbed the wad of money , holding his hand out to her in an effort to return it . Her camel colored jacket protected her from the bitter cold , and really was glad she had a place to go . Her greyish blue eyes scanning the area , it was rather nice to do something good for a change . Life was a pain in the ass , though what she was doing she had no damn idea . Eden was lonely and it was easy to see if you looked into her eyes , she wanted to reach out to someone . With no parents , and no hope really to ever feel the whole in her heart . Sure it may have been a rather corny thing to think about , but really all in all she was not to worried about it . She was the girl in school with no friends or boyfriends , even now . She took a couple college courses , trying to find her place in the world . But she was never happy in college doing nothing . While she was sitting she did not notice the man coming up to her , she was oblivious of him near . There were just some things in life she can not fathom . But then she noticed a shadow coming up to her , since the sun was hitting over her at a nice angle and it made everything shiny . Though it kinda hurt her eyes so she made sure not to look onto any of the cars as not to blind herself , her black hair lay close to her body . Her stormy eyes just relaxing and curious as to what today would bring to her . She hoped it was something very good , since she did not want to let today turn into a disaster . Then it happened she heard a voice and looked to see who it was , and was surprised to see the man . Cocking her head a little to the side , she heard what he said and gave him a rather soft smile . Looking at him with the money , she reached over to his hand , making it so he himself was hanging onto the money . She did not know how to proceed with this . She was never good with men , and she could tell he was cute under all the dirt and mud he had on . " No it wasn 't a mistake I know how much I gave you , I wanted to help you . I have enough money to do that for someone , so don 't worry about it . Though I would hide it don 't want anyone to pick pocket you or worse , bumping into a police officer thinking you stole that money . I would even be willing to give you more then five thousand dollars . I would give you a roof over your head , nice shower and a very nice warm meal " Everything was coming to a head , and looking at the man she patted the spot beside her to sit . She did not care what others thought or saw , what she saw was a man under all that . Wanting so very much to get him back on his feet , and would be willing to do anything . " Hell I would even make you my personal assistant , god a record contract and wanted to share what I got . Some think I am very crazy and unstable but I don 't care what they think " " Um , ma ' am , I 'm afraid there has been a mistake . I 'm afraid you put the wrong money in my cup . " And with that , he reached in and grabbed the wad of money , holding his hand out to her in an effort to return it . As expected , the young woman reached out and Henry prepared to let go of the wad of bills . He really was not prepared for her to reach out and place her small , clean , delicate hand on his . How long had it been since someone of money and comfort had given him the time of day ? Probably close to a year now . He had almost forgotten what it was like to talk to someone educated . Someone who spoke with clear diction and proper grammar . All of his homeless peers now were terribly uneducated . Way below average . And they had all regressed to a level of slang that often made it difficult to understand them . And what of her touch ? The feeling of her soft , sensitive skin on his sent a jolt through him . It was not just unexpected . But it had been so long since he had felt the touch of another . Not to mention the touch of a beautiful young woman . Oh there was nothing sexual in her touch . At least not intended . But he couldn 't help but feel the stirring of some long repressed sexual tension . His head was spinning . There was just too much unexpected information for him to process all at once . The cold had chilled him to the bone and dulled his senses . And his plight left him defeated and resigned . Yet here was a young , beautiful woman reaching out to him . Speaking to him . Offering him five thousand dollar . And touching him . It was all too much to believe . It was so far from the norm he has grown to expect that he viewed her with great skepticism . She tried to be reassuring with him , explaining her position . She could easily afford it . And she wanted to help him . When was the last time someone offered to help him ? He couldn 't remember . She offered him more than the money . She offered him a roof , a shower , a hot meal and warm , soft bed . He was beginning to feel weak . Then she patted the seat next to her and invited him to join her on the bench . Normally , he would have dismissed her as crazy or a fraud . But he needed to sit down . And he needed to settle his thoughts . " Ma ' am , I don 't know what to say . No one has ever been that nice to me . I don 't even know what I would do with five thousand dollars . " There was a long silence between them as she left her hand on his . " But I sure could use a hot shower and night out of the cold . " He looked up and out over the cold , barren park . There were people walking here and there , but they were all walking quickly . Occasionally , he would see someone look up at them sitting on the bench . And some of those would take a quick double take . Then move on . They were not enjoying the park . They wanted to get where they had to go and get back inside where it was warm . " Ma ' am , as much as I would love to accept your generosity , I can 't just accept it . I want to offer you something in return . Do you have any work I can do around your house ? I can weld and paint . And repair things around the house . " " Ma ' am , I don 't know a thing about the music industry . And I wouldn 't know the first thing about being your personal assistant . But I sure would like a chance to take a hot shower and get a good night 's sleep . " Life was cruel to everyone unless you were born into money , unless you had the beauty and charm to do something with your looks . All in all things happened for a reason , so her mother always told her . But here she did not see the point of it , so many people are selfish . Some just do not care , but not everyone was Eden . She knew what it was like to struggle , knew what it meant to not know where the next meal would come from . Eden was different . Hearing what the man said and how she held his hand , she could tell he was very surprised about touching him . He may have had dirty hands but it did not upset her , or make her want to not touch him . Behind the dirt was a man , a man who was down on his luck . And that was one thing that bothered her , celebrities making millions of dollars and they don 't donate any of it to charity . That upset her a lot , and was never afraid to speak out about it . But hearing what he said about not knowing a think about the industry , Eden could not help but giggle a little bit . Sitting back she heard what he said about the offer wanting to be warm even if its for one night . But then thinking about the work he would offer her , brushing her hand against her red cheek and silently sighed . Unsure what to do at this moment , where to go with him first . Since she would help him in any way she could . " To be an assistant well at least mine it 's more really like being a companion , I don 't expect you to know a thing about my work since really it would be simple job . Remind me of appointments , getting me things I need . But my place does need some fixing up , probably have a couple of months work at least , has a guest room you could have . And frankly having someone to talk to is payment enough , just because I have money doesn 't mean I 'm not lonely . " Well she did know that it was starting to snow and was just getting more miserable out , so this was when she would have to get a move on . Smiling a little as she looked over at the guy . " Well my place is maybe ten minute walk from here , there you can wash up . Have some clothing that should fit and once you get a nice warm meal we can go shopping and we can find ways to pay it off by work . But we should go it 's going to get even more nasty out " Slowly standing up she ran her fingers in her black hair and could not help but smile a bit , looking back at the stranger she knew this was probably foolish since she did not know the man . And did not know what more to say , but I was ready to go any way it was miserable outside and did not like feeling like this . Eden always hated the winter , she loved all other seasons but winter was the worst one of all the seasons . So she just grinned a bit . " And what 's your name ? I 'm Eden Wolf but Eden is fine " She said with a very happy tone to her voice . She was not afraid of anything that he could do , Eden did know self defense after all . But felt he was no threat to her , it was hard to know for sure . But his eyes had so much sadness in them it almost made her want to break down and cry herself . But she was strong and extended her hand out for him to take , not caring if he was dirty did not bother her . " Let 's get you out of the cold " Was it just the cold ? Or was it that it had been so long since he had engaged with someone of class and stature ? In any case , Henry was struggling to make sense of it all . Today started out like any other day . Cold , miserable and alone . And somewhere along the way , things turned upside down . A complete stranger slipped five thousand dollars in his cup without him hardly noticing . Then the stranger turned out to be a beautiful young woman . Surely it was a mistake . But when he approached her to return the money , she insisted it was no mistake . And she invited him to sit down and talk . She even touched him without withdrawing her hand in disgust . And now , she offered him the chance to go home with her . A hot shower . Clean clothes . A warm meal . And even a job . He looked around cynically , wondering if it were some cruel joke . Or maybe one of those TV shows . What was going on here ? It had started to snow as the woman stood to leave . She turned to look at him as if acknowledging this was no joke . It was real and she was looking for confirmation from him that he understood or would take her up on her offer . And yet , Henry just stared for along moment . This woman , this incredibly kind soul , was young . Very young . And she seemed to have not just class , but wealth of her own . Her eyes were beautiful and set . Greyish blue , they seemed so open , so genuine and so caring . And they seemed to see right through him . Her hair was long and dark and as she ran her fingers through her hair , he realized just how long it had been since he saw a woman so beautiful , so close . He really didn 't know what to do . No one had ever shown him such kindness . Such generosity . So he decided to follow her . At least initially . That would buy him some time to gather his thoughts . Think about the offer . He followed her initially . Watching her . But she soon made it clear he was to walk with her . Not follow her like a servant . At every turn , she made him feel worthy . Equal . Human . They walked along in silence as the snow came down harder . Through the park , down the avenue and around the corner . This was the high end part of town with back to back to back exclusive residences with door men . As they walked along the sidewalk , he wondered what it must be like to live a life of such luxury . Eden stopped suddenly in front of an apartment complex in the middle of the block . Unlike the others , there was no door man . There was a substantial lock and security system along with a secondary electronic lock . But clearly , this was not one of the pretentious apartments he saw on either side . They stepped into the foyer as the door closed them behind . The complex was elegant and well appointed . There was an elevator , but Eden walked past and began climbing the flight of stairs , up to the second floor and then the third before turning back down the hallway . She stopped in front of a door and worked her keys into the lock before opening the Her apartment was beautiful . There was music themed artwork on the walls , dark hardwood floors with expensive area rugs and simple but comfortable looking furniture . She followed him in and motioned for him to follow her as she turned down the hallway and opened the door to the guest bathroom . She showed him some standard toiletries she had for guests including the shampoo , soap , new tooth brush , shaving cream and disposable razor along with fresh towels . She excused herself briefly and returned with some simple clean clothes she hoped would fit . And with that , she smiled , turned and left . The warmth of the apartment was welcome , free of the cold drafts to which he had become accustomed . Henry leaned down and started the water as he began to get undressed . His jeans were worn and filthy . His t - shirt and long sleeved sweatshirt the same . And his jacket , well , it could hardly be called a jacket for all the holes and worn lining . As the steam began rising , he turned on the shower and stepped in . The warm water felt heavenly . How long had it been ? He just stood there , ducking his head and letting the hot water rain down over him . Through his matted hair , over his aching cold shoulders , and down his tired body . After several minutes of enjoying the warm massage of the shower jets , he began shampooing his hair . And then washing his body . It all felt so good . The warmth , the water , the scrubbing massage of the wash cloth . And the soap washing the dirt away . Once he was clean , he did it all over again . This time thoroughly enjoying the feel of the soap and water . It felt especially good to clean under his arms , up and down the crack of his ass , and his crotch . He had been able to wash his face from time to time at the various public bathrooms , but washing these dirtier areas was something that had been difficult if not impossible . As he continued cleaning and cleaning again , his mind drifted back to this mysterious woman . So young and beautiful . And trusting . How he longed to find someone like that . To trust him . To share . To be a part of his life . He suddenly realized he was stroking himself . Soapy and slippery and clean . It felt so good . Like so many other sensations this day , how long had it been ? But then he began to feel guilty . This woman that trusted him so much . Pleasing himself in her shower , the gift of a shower , somehow felt wrong . He shook his head back to the here and now and quickly rinsed before stepping out to dry himself with the luxuriously soft towel . Stepping up the sink , he shaved and brushed his teeth clean before reaching for the clothes on the counter and slipped into them . Some gen __________________ Eden knew what a hard life was , how it put lines on your face even if you were only twenty . Being homeless it changes you , it shapes you into someone either caring or bitter . Life was beyond hard and she knew that more then most , which was why she was a simple girl . She may have millions in at her bank , she prefer to show others that just because you have money . Does not mean you have to buy a mansion with fifty bedrooms , having money does not mean buying ten sports cars . Life was fair for a lot of people , but for someone like her and someone like the man before her . It was unfair , the wealthy did not give a shit about the poor . The homeless being looked down upon , people who think that they are just lazy that if they try hard enough they can get the job . But Eden saw things in a much better light , people were dying every day in the city . Sure Chicago had gang violence , murders of all kinds . But no one talks about the homeless . Its almost like people were ashamed to admit they were there , but Eden paid close attention . Not just because she to was poor once , she had to go days without eating before this . And how she wished she could take every homeless person in the United States and give them a life , but unfortunately all she could do was make a homeless shelter in each state in the country . It was highly expensive and she was careful with what she was doing . Every year that she was successful she was able to build the shelter for the homeless , to be able to show them that not all people with money are bastards . Though it was something no one understood unless you lost everything , but as it was now . Everything seemed to be thrown down at peoples feet , to Eden not everyone was treated equally . And that was enough to get her blood boiling , that was how much it honestly upset her . Life as people knew it was changing every day , no one seemed to care to much about anyone but themselves . Human kind was not the raise it was centuries ago , before you did not have to worry about being killed . Since that kind of thing did not happen much back in the day . Sometimes Eden wished that they were living in that time , but things back then were also rather difficult . Kids saw things in a more clear light , and it was something she wished people could do . To see things clearly one had to live the life of someone who had nothing or close to nothing , someone who got looked down upon . It would be eye opening to the rich if they really paid attention . It always amazed her how people are treated , its no surprise why the homeless could be bitter . Though she did give away a lot of her money , so much that if she thought about it all the money she gave away to the homeless would be well over half a million if not more . But that was given over time of course , and with how much the places were she had built , cost her a few million . But she enjoyed doing it , if she died and someone told her what her greatest accomplishment was . It would have to be her helping the much less fortunate , though she would say it with pride not for a pat on the shoulder . That was not her thing , and she did not do it for publicity . Sure it helped her in the peoples eyes , but she did it to be generous . All in all things were just to much for people at times , she wanted to do a lot of helping . To protect what other people wanted , but the more she thought about it the more upset she became . So she left the couch to make something for him to eat , she decided on some pasta . Though she had no idea if he would like it , but it would be simple . Getting the noddles from the box and put them in the water once it began to boil for her . Then she put the timer on for ten minutes , then she began to make some white sauce to put on top of it . It was her mothers secret recipe and thought it would be nice to cook it for him . She began to set up the table as smells of food started to fill the whole place up , since most of her place was opened up . Rubbing the back of her neck as she began to toast up some Italian bread . She hoped he did not have an allergy to anything . But as she cooked she decided to play some music , her stereo system had surround sound much as her T . V did . Speakers all over the place , but also well hidden as well . She reached behind her and smiled a bit putting her hair up in a pony tail , to get it right out of her face . And to also make sure she did not get a hair in the food , that grossed even her out . Even if it was her own hair she did not care , she wanted him to be comfortable . Once the meal was set up she mixed it all together and put it on the back burner , so it would stay warm and not get cold . Her stormy eyes looking around , and she saw her piano and decided to play it . So grabbing her recorder that would have other musical instruments depending on what song she choose . Life was a bit easy for her but still hard at the same time . Because she had no family and no friends , her reason for living was just music . Walking over to the piano and sat down on the black piano bench , looking around as she began to think what to sing . She did not realize the stranger was actually done with his shower and looking for her , she closed her eyes like she was lost to something . And was trying to be found , but a soft smile could be heard . She played with her recorder and played it , she knew the rest of the music would come when needed as she began to play the piano and sing . " Oh , you can hear me cry As she played everything started to come to her , she did not care who heard her . Much took her but as she was singing a tear fell down her face , feeling empty and lonely . She was never bitter thankfully , her mother taught her that being bitter would just cause more bitterness and more loneliness . She never knew if she believed that or not , but only time would tell on that . She enjoyed the thought of doing what she could , but as she turned she smiled seeing the man . As he opened the bathroom door , he was struck by two sensations he did not expect . First was an aroma that caused his heart to stop . He had been relegated to begging for scraps and eating the rare fast food he could afford to buy with handouts he had been given . Or the awful , consistent stink of the free soup at the soup kitchen . He had long ago resigned himself to his plight and was thankful even for the less than appetizing soup . It was warm , filling and served in a warm breeze free hall downtown , not far from where he camped with his homeless peers . Unlike the soup at the soup kitchen , this aroma was heavenly . It was filled with spices that tickled his nose and made his stomach tense up in knots . So long it had been since he had a home cooked meal . And this one smelled wonderful . Again , he closed his eyes and said a prayer of thanks for his great fortune to happen upon this wonderful young woman . Just that morning he had been tired , cold and hungry with no prospect of any change . And now look at him . Barely twelve removed from his nasty blanket under the bridge , he was showered , shaved and clean . And about to have a home cooked meal that could not smell any better . And then he heard the piano . Sweet and sensual in tone and pace . And then , the voice . Her voice ? Presumably . He stood there in the bathroom doorway listening . The song sounded so beautiful . Her voice so angelic . And yet , the lyrics were sad . Painful . Tragic . Of love lost . A precious heart broken . A dream denied . A spirit crushed . Henry slowly made his way down the hallway , pausing as he reached the living room . He could see her now , singing and playing . Her back to him so she did not know he was there . She looked different . Her hair was pulled up and back in a ponytail . She had changed into something more comfortable , more casual . She looked even more pure , more innocent . The sweet music now dominated his senses . He had already forgotten the sweet smell of dinner as he stood there entranced by the beauty of the music and tragedy of the lyrics . He stood there again , out of her view as he listened and marveled at the talent before him . He now understood who she was and where he wealth came from . Even if he barely knew her name . He was not familiar with her music , but he knew enough to appreciate the talent she was sharing this evening . He wondered if she was playing the music , this song for him . But how could she know he would be here to listen and not still in the bathroom ? And what of this song ? The choice ? As tragic as the lyrics , he couldn 't help but feel how it told his story in a sense . Of his wife leaving him . His love for her . Betrayed . Gone forever . On any given day , his love loss was far from the front of his thinking . He rarely thought about her anymore . Part of his learning to move on . His recovery if you will . One day at a time . But now , so much of it was flooding back . " That is a beautifully tragic song . " He said as she finished . She jerked her head around , clearly surprised that he had been there listening . " Thank you . " Was all she said as if embarrassed at being heard . He could see a tear had run down her face and he wondered if she were not feeling the same sense of loss as the song impli __________________ Eden sighed a little bit and looked down a bit , when he asked if she was okay she just nodded . She wasn 't embarrassed but liked that he heard the song , looking at her newly found friend she slowly got up off the bench and figured he would be very hungry . So she grabbed a couple plates and scooped up some pasta and set it on the table , with the toasted bread that she put into the oven . She was a good cook and could whip up anything rather fast . Which was good really , all in all she was rather happy . And had a feeling she should explain the song . Though she had no idea how to do that , she just did not know what to think or say then and there . But the pain could be seen behind her beautiful eyes , she had a story there and if you were lucky enough she would tell you . Though it felt as though she needed to explain herself , she knew this was a rare treat if it was even possible most of the time . " I lost my father when I was seventeen years old , we were struggling for money . So I know what its like to be how you were , we just about lost everything . But I lost my father that day , when I was heard at a club down into the heart of the city . I rushed home to tell my father , and before me was his lifeless body . Someone had broken into our home and killed him . No one knew who had done it and the cops did not really care . My fathers killer is out there some where , probably killing someone as we speak . But most of my songs are rather up beat and positive . But today is the third anniversary of his death , I did not let the new found money and job change me . So I actually did something good with the money I have gotten , I have actually made several places for those down on there luck to stay . Though it took me a couple years to put several homes around . And I did not do it for a pat on the back , did not do it for any other reason then the reason I know deep down is right . Because if we do not help one another , then we are no better then the animals . I love to help people , hence why I was so willing to help you . To be the voice of Some would think she was probably rather strange , but did not care what other people thought of her . If she cared about it she never would have donated money to the needy . Sitting down at the small dinning room table and crossed one leg over the other , exposing a pair of light blue jeans , wearing only socks on her feet . It was nice how things were turning around for him . And she could see the peace that was in his eyes now that he was here . " I 'm so sorry to hear about your father . Your loss … " His words trailed off , knowing what to say . " I can 't imagine how difficult it must be for you . Your loss is much worse than anything I have had to deal with . " He wondered how much he should tell her about his past . Sure she had shared her loss , her story . But the song was the impetus for that moment of sharing . Did she really care about his situation ? Maybe . And maybe she just wanted to help . He really didn 't understand what was going on . She had offered him so much . First the money . Then the chance to come home with her and the promise of a job . The hot shower and fresh clean clothes was more generosity than he could have imagined . And now a fresh cooked , hot meal . And a damned good one too . But maybe she was just being kind . Maybe she was happy to help any way she could but not necessarily care about his problems . He looked across the table and could see a change in her eyes . She had moved on from her own grief and seemed genuinely interested in his . His story , his suffering . " Well , I have not lost anyone like you did . I mean , no one died . I got married when I was young . We struggled . And then I lost my job . That was all she could take I guess . So she demanded a divorce . She was from a family with money . She became bitter and mean . Cruel . Her family helped her hire a great divorce lawyer when I couldn 't even afford a bad one . She took everything and then some . She left me and I was evicted . I had no job and no source of income . So I lived in my car which eventually broke down . I kept living in it until the City towed it away . The rest is pretty much what you might imagine . Soup kitchens , begging , sleeping in the woods in a camp with other homeless people . Hanging out in the park during the day . " He didn 't realize until he was done that he was looking down at his plate , toying with his food the whole time he had been talking . It was difficult to share those things . Especially to someone he didn 't know . He looked up when he was done to find her sitting there , looking at him intently . There was something special in her eyes . A sincere sense of empathy . She truly cared . How could she be so compassionate , so trusting when she was so young and had been through so much family and personal suffering . Now it was his turn to look at her . He had looked at her before of course . But he had never really looked at her . She was so small and fragile looking . And beautiful . Still . He had noticed how pretty she was out in the park . And then later when they got back to her house . And now , looking at her again , she was still beautiful . And she looked so comfortable in her jeans and socks . As he looked at her , he began thinking … How she looked so comfortable . As if they were dating or even married . And he began wondering what it would be like to live that life a again . A life of reasonable comfort . Of being with someone that makes you smile . Of being in love . Sharing and giving . And making love . Ohhhhh how long it had been since he made love . He shook his head suddenly , shocking himself back to the here and now . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to drone on and I don 't mean to stare . It 's just been so long … For so many things for me . " He let his voice tail off as he looked back down into his plate and began eating again . After a while , he looked up again . " Look Eden , I can 't begin to thank you enough for the generosity you have shown me . It means the world to me . And this is the first time in two years that I have felt normal again . You mentioned I could help you . Around the house with repairs . And as your assistant . . I don 't really know what any of that means , but I 'm willing to give it a try . I just can 't bear the thought of being back on the street again . You just tell me what I need to do , what I can __________________ Eden had no idea how bad his life was until he began to tell her , she looked at him the whole time . Even though he looked down and seemed ashamed , she tilted her head to the side as he spoke of his wife who was brought from money . And she actually growled because he lost his job his wife left ? That was just something wrong there , she did not love him that much was made clear . And she hated women like that , she thought they should be shot . But of course she would not say that to him , but seeing him looking into her eyes . Then seemed to drone out on her , she smiled as he seemed to grow rather still and figured that he was really sad about his past . Sighing a little bit she actually placed her hand on his , her eyes showing she honestly cared . But she was upset as well , not at him but as his ex for what she did to him . Sighing softly she did not know if she should say something , but would do it any way . " I hope I do not anger you when I call your ex a gigantic bitch for divorcing you like that , I have no respect for women like that . And I have a feeling daddy gave her everything she could possibly want , including a bad ass attitude . I mean shit if you were my husband I would have helped you find something else , instead of leaving you out on your ass . That is just terrible , and I am sorry I truly am . Some people just should not ever get married . Maybe I am the way that I am because I remember what it was like to struggle , seeing what my father did for me . How much he sacrificed for me , I dunno I miss my father but I know he would want me to move on . He use to tell me the hardest thing in this world is to live in it . And I am starting to see that point he made , but this is no trap for you . I have plans but to help not to hurt you , I got a feeling when we met you probably thought it was a trap . But I am not that kind of person , you don 't have to worry about living on the streets again . My father taught me a lot in life even though I know I am only nineteen years old , but I live the way I have dreamed . But I am not selfish with the money that I have , you will be comfortable . And once I get things set into motion you will be the first to know about it . But I promise you will be safe with me , it is nice to have someone to talk to . Since I honestly do care about you , perhaps I am just a big sap but your problems are gone . Later on I will show you what needs fixing around here , but right now just try and relax . You have a friend in me " She wanted to say and maybe even more , but did not know if he would want a younger woman as a girlfriend . So she grew pretty silent in that moment . Sighing a bit as she sipped her drink and looked at him always showing him kindness . She sat back as she enjoyed his company , he was everything in a man she had ever wanted . She never felt comfortable hanging out with guys her own age , because most of the time they just thought about sex and that was it . She had yet to meet a guy her own age who wasn 't a pig . But she did the best she could do , and all in all everything just had to stop . Which was why she felt more comfortable with him , and she spoke again . " If you want more to eat feel free to have a second round , I have more then enough food . Also today we can get you some of your own clothing something more your taste if you like . " She offered him , showing he did not need to be afraid to ask for anything . She was enjoying the way he looked at her , he truly was a rather sweet person and hoped he found someone that he wanted to be with . She held a high respect for him . " And I have to say , I think your life was much more harder and more tragic then when I have been through . I lost my parents yes but you lost much more then I did , but I can see your a good man and I am glad I could help you . I should thank you really because you allowed me to help you , and I did not do this out of pity but its time for you to truly feel happy again . And if I can do that then I am very happy about it " Henry wasn 't sure what to say . So much was racing through his mind , it was hard to keep listening to her . But he did . He wanted to hear her . To understand . It was difficult for his to share so much of his personal life . His struggle . His humiliation . He was not a lazy man . Nor was he unkind . Or unfeeling . And yet , look where he ended up . For no fault of his own . But facts were facts and the months leading to this moment had left him wondering if . Fault or not , this was his station in life . What was meant to be . That he would be homeless and suffer and struggle the rest of his life . And then today happened . No way he could have imagined the last three hours when he awoke this morning , cold , hungry and resigned to another day of helplessness . How easy it would have been to take that money , accident or not . And start a new life for himself . But he assumed it was a mistake . It had to be . No one was that kind and generous with someone they did not know . Much less a homeless person . But that was not who he was . No matter what happened , he would be true to himself . He would remain kind , true and above all , honest . It was wonderful to hear her say kind things to him . About him . Although it was still hard for him to hear her say bad things about his ex - wife . All the things she had done to him were true . Cruel , unthinkable things . And yet , there was some odd sense of feeling he had about her . It hurt him to hear Eden speak so negatively about her . He did not still love her . He knew that . It was something he decided long ago . For everything that happened to him , he would remain proud . He knew he deserved better . And he knew , he understood , her love was really never there . So he gave up that part of his heart . He no longer loved her . And yet , it hurt to hear Eden speak of her that way . Probably because he didn 't like to hear anyone speak bad of anyone else . He knew people spoke bad of him and judged him without even knowing him . He knew now that Eden never really knew him . Neither did her dad . And neither did all the peoHenry was finished eating and the awkward silence made him feel self - conscious . Was he pushing too hard ? Was he about to cross a line ? He was afraid to lose all he had gained this day . He stood up suddenly from the table , grabbed his plate and walked around to her side to take her plate too . She was still sitting and it was the closest he had been to her all day . He could smell the sweet floral scent of her shampoo . And he couldn 't help himself as he looked longingly at her neck and down her shirt as he reached for her plate . " Let me wash these real quick . It 's the least I can do . " With that , he turned away from the table and headed into the kitchen . She had a feeling she perhaps went a bit to far when it came to saying what she did , saying bad things about his ex . She could tell he did not like that , and knew that she did not want him to be upset with her . Which was part of the reason why she put her hand on him . But also because she honestly cared , it was the kind of thing she could do . She honestly cared that was her character , caring about others before she cares about herself . Now however was the kind of thing where she wanted things to go right , and knew that he did not deserve to be homeless . The rich and ruthless deserve it but not him , he may have not been in love with his wife . But still what had happened to him hurt her , like she took it personally . He acted so strangely to her now , and hoped she had not hurt him . But she gave him a kind smile and thought for a second about what to say to him . But then he spoke and said what he did , when he got up to clean the table she smiled when he came to her and took her dish . Slowly turning in her seat as she saw him washing , and tilted her head to the side . He was sweet , Henry was the kind of guy who she would let in . But she honestly did not trust easily , she could read people and feel what people were about . She learned to protect herself years ago , even before she was left alone . Slowly standing up as she walked behind him , placing a very gentle hand on his back . Thinking about her life where it started , she had actually wanted to die a few times in her life . Especially when her only parent had been killed , it was the kind of thing that honestly scared her . She did not want to lose sight of what was important , and thinking about her mother made her grow very angry and it was a feeling she did not like . Eden was taught right from wrong when she was three years old , she was taught to love everyone and to respect everyone . But sometimes she thought it was a bad idea to do that , everything in her just wanted to take care of the people who wished to harm innocent people . And knew Chicago was a city full of badLooking down a little bit she did not want to upset him further , and was choosing what to say carefully . Since she did not want a fall out here , she honestly wanted the company . She was afraid of being alone , she had been alone for to long . Sure it was only a couple years or so . But every day she grew more and more lonely to the point where she thought about ending her own life . But she could see the roughness he had living on the streets for so long . " Those who are cruel that have had an easy life , I think all the rich people that are cruel . I think they should spend a month homeless , to honestly see how the other is forced to live . You have so much to give to this world , and the world has turned its back on you . But I wont you are a good man that I know very well , when we saw each other for the first time . I felt the need to do something with what I had , there is no hook her angle with my offer . " Eden grabbed her hair and put it up in a pony tail , wanting to get it out of her face . Sighing softly she did not know if this was a good idea . But she did care about his feelings and watched as he finished up cleaning the dishes . Placing her hand on his shoulder so he would look into her eyes . Henry was so much more then he realized , she would do anything in the world for people like him . She silently sighed and made sure she never looked away . " And I owe you an apology about what I said about your Ex I know it upset you and that was not my intention at all . It just angers me that she did not see what I see in your eyes , maybe one day she will see what I do . But I meant no disrespect and I Know by trash talking her in a way I disrespected you Henry so I apologize for that " When Eden spoke to someone she always looked them into the eyes , never looking away from people . Unless nervous and she was a little , but it was nothing personal . She was just not use to being close to a guy , who seemed interested in her . Made her want to just hide away sometimes , but when she performed music in front of people . It was her release her drug so to speak , the only way that people could fully understand her . Music was the one language everyone knew , the beat taking over the mind and body . The lyrics dancing in your mind . But she wanted Henry which she thought was crazy , but she wondered if he felt the same thing . Just the way he seemed to stare before he took her plate , remembering every little pause . Perhaps she was just rather strange , but she did not care what people thought . Her eyes could see the truth , she was able to smell the bull shit people tried to sell her a lot . But right now all she wanted was peace , and to do some good in the city . Eden was thinking of a new song idea , she grabbed her pad and paper and sat down on one side of the couch and began to write some things down . Stopping for a moment as she looked up at Henry , he had sparked an idea into her head . Which was rather nice to have someone who could do it . She began to harmonize a tune feeling the emotions in the room . Closing her eyes as she just visioned everything in her life , and stopped and sang . Walking over to the piano and her musical equipment and was working of a melody that she had . It was annoying when she was stuck with song ideas , but now she got a few because of him . She sat at the piano making sure everything was set up , cracking her neck a little bit . Looking at the keys of her piano , her grey eyes scanning outside the window . Seeing the way it snowed outside , how the wind was howling very violently . As she began to play out a song she seemed to like , she kept playing it and adding to it quickly . Her mind was working over time , and her mind was so full of ideas now . Perhaps this was what she needed , inspiration . So she could do better music , to reach out to the people to those who listened to her music . Eden was enjoying herself as she seemed to sing to Henry , trying to show him he can be open and take chances with her . Walking to the kitchen with the plates , he thought again about how his life had changed so much so suddenly . It was so comfortable being with this woman . How did she do that ? How could she take him off the street and within a couple of hours make him feel human again . He didn 't just feel human . He felt whole . Complete again . Comfortable . It really was so little to it . A shower , a meal , comfort from the elements . And then there was the company . Dare he say , companionship . They were little things . But they were big . He felt such an incredible sense of appreciation . As he began running the water , he thought of her again . She was so beautiful . Her eyes were so penetrating , as if she could see his soul . He was OK with that . He had nothing to hide . He was who he was and he was proud of that , in spite of his circumstances on the street . He was thinking about what she had said . About his ex - wife . It hurt him at first , but he realized she was right . More importantly , he realized he needed to learn to live in the here and now . His ex - wife was in his past . Being on the street was in the past . He was given the wonderful gift of a warm place to sleep tonight and a great home cooked meal . He knew how good it felt . And he was desperate to not lose it . The last thing he wanted was to offend her in any way . Which is why he wanted to start earning his keep now with the dishes . He assumed he would clean the dishes in silence while she went about her business . But instead , she came to apologize . And then she touched him . Again . A warm hand on his shoulder . Not tentative . Not afraid . But a comforting touch . And it made him melt as he leaned against the sink . Then , as soon as she came up to him , she was gone again . He turned to watch her as she walked back into the living room . His eyes drifted lower , watching her hips sway ever so slightly to and fro . Her ass so round and perfect . It had been so long since he had really looked a woman that way . And the liked the way it felt . She walked around the low coffee table before plopping down comfortably on the couch . She saw him watching her and offered a beautiful smile and a flirty wink which made him laugh and feel much better . He turned back and continued rinsing the dishes and could hear her singing softly to herself . Not loud enough to understand the words , but enough that he could sense the melody . And he knew she was losing herself in her music . He dried the last dish as he heard the piano starting up . Turning back to look at her again , he saw her at the piano , her back to him as she looked out over the piano and out the window . She was playing a slow intense melody and singing . It was still raw and unfinished , but it was still beautiful . Much like her . He stood in the doorway watching her work , mesmerized at the process and intensity . She was so passionate , so focused in her work . Henry had never played an instrument but he loved music . And he often wondered about the process , the skill it took to produce great music . It was then that he realized he was being given another gift . He was watching an artist work . How intimate this must be for her . And she was allowing him to watch , to hear her in the process of creating her craft . She was so trusting and the emotions she was struggling with were so raw and exposed as she worked the music and lyrics . It was a beautiful song and Henry found himself getting lost in the lyrics and the sweet sou __________________ Normally when she was working on music she would hide herself away , and would not allow anyone to hear her . But she was breaking her own rules , because Henry was very sweet and friendly and handsome . But he seemed to be a broken soul that needed a friendly hand , to reach down and pull him to his feet . Right now everything was just really nice in that moment . She felt compelled to do this in front of him . He gave her inspiration . And was thinking about dedicating this song to him , and would make it known to her fans it was dedicated to him . Though she would not put his full name , perhaps just his first one . Everything just seemed to stop around her as she made up the lyrics , she had her recorder on so she would be able to hear herself . And also to have a back up piece of equipment in case she lost the paper , which only happened once four years ago . And she was much careful now . But then as she stopped completely she heard what he said , looking up at him she smiled ever so happily . And could tell by how he looked he was thinking perhaps of a dedication piece . If that was what he thought he would be rather happy to know it was , smiling a little bit more as she slowly got up and adjusted her pants and walked over to him . She had no idea how he would react to what she was about to say , and kissed his cheek . " Thank you music at his most raw moment in its infancy , something I have never done before . But you actually helped me out of my writers block , the studio I work for has been asking me for one last song to make for my first CD . The only way people could get my songs is through the internet MP3 's . And this CD will be the very first copy that will be out in stores . They have given me three months so now I will be able to fix up the song " She had no idea if Henry knew just how much he helped her just being here , she hoped this was not to forward . But looking into his eyes she wrapped her arms around him , hugging him close . She so wanted to kiss him on the lips , but she chickened out . Though it was easy to tell she wanted to kiss his lips , she smiled kissing his cheek . She was happy her inspiration was found in a man for the first time ever . Sighing happily she sat down on the couch as she had her lyrics and an idea on the sound , having that out of the way helped big time . Because getting the tune to become more smooth was the fun part , same thing with the lyrics . Something she enjoyed big time . Once sitting back she patted the spot beside her , to be able to relax and get to know each other better . Sure he told her a lot already , but figured that perhaps more could be shared . Though she would never dig for information that wasn 't the kind of woman she was , she kept her views on life . Never changed not even for a moment , that was what people that knew her kept saying . Well least friends of the family , though her parents friends were the friends of the family . But now there was no one left in her family , they meant nothing to her since they did not know her . And it was a rather sad thing as well . " I do have to say this Henry that this song , since you already have put a good impact on my life already . Even though you have been here only two hours or so , it feels like I have known you all my life . Perhaps it is silly and foolish , but I think the one way you can repay me is to be my companion . I mean I am not asking for you to have sex with me , since I am still a virgin actually . So I am not good with that kind of stuff honestly . But this song I am going to dedicate to you , and the dedication will be all over , I plan on putting it in the booklet of lyrics that will be with my music CD . And will name it Bittersweet . Which I thought is kinda nice , I know Its very raw right now . But now that I have a melody in mind and lyrics , it wont take me but maybe a w __________________ It really was such a beautiful song . And she was being so open to him . She was so raw and sweet . So innocent . The song was beautiful , but she was even more beautiful than the melody she just played . Henry was really struggling with his emotions . He had quickly become comfortable here in this young woman 's house . That was not the problem . The problem now was his emotions . The feeling he was having . Of wanting to be touched . Wanting to touch another . Of all the things he had missed while being divorced and homeless , it was that person connection with someone that he missed the most . More than the food or the comfort of a roof over his head . He missed the intimacy of being with someone special . After she saw him , she came up to him and hugged him . Looking into his eyes , she was so open and inviting . He was sure she was going to kiss him . And he was hoping she would . Or maybe she was inviting him to make the first move , to kiss her . And then , she kissed his cheek . And his heart sank . Was that , an opportunity missed ? A chance not taken ? Or was he reading way too much into things ? Would there be another chance ? All this was beginning to take its toll on him . He was feeling weak and needed to sit down . As luck would have it , she sat on the couch and invited him to sit with her . He collapsed on the couch next to her , turned slightly to face her as she nestled into the corner , pulling her legs up on the couch underneath her . He sat silently watching her . And he again , he longed to kiss her . She began to speak and he listened intently to understand her , to understand where he fit in her life going forward . She spoke of wanting him to be her ' companion ' . Time seemed to freeze as he contemplated what that meant to her or to him . Companion means so many things . A simple pet can be a companion . So can a platonic friend . Or a lover . And then she said it and his heart sank . She didn 't want him for sex . In fact , she was a virgin . Now he really was speechless . He sat there on the couch trying to take it all in . She wanted __________________ Eden knew she had to make him understand , but it was understandable when he asked what she needed exactly since companion an mean many things . She could sense in him he wanted to kiss her , but was afraid of being thrown out on his ass . Which she would never do , perhaps what she wanted was a best friend and maybe a husband . But she was thinking long term and in the very far future . But would he even want that ? She silently sighed . Taking his hand in hers , feeling the warmth how only a matter of hours ago his hand was bitter cold . She had fed him and gave him what he needed , looking into his eyes she smiled a little at him . She had no idea what was going to happen here , but she was going to take the risk of everything . Right now she was content and had no idea just how this would even go . But she had to make it very clear no matter what he did in the future or not she would never toss him out . " You have to understand that no matter what you do , you will always have a place here . Perhaps I am looking for a friend , or perhaps someone to look at me and want me . I have always been alone , I never had friends in school . I never had a boyfriend , part of the reason I am a virgin is because I wanted to wait . But another part of that was because no boy ever saw me as anything . I am thinking long term , for you to be taken care of . To be treated like a human being and not some thing , I will help you get a job if you like . Get you back on your feet , you will always be welcome here no matter what . But if something happens you want to leave and be alone then I will allow it . Since you are not a slave , I need a friend someone to listen to me . Someone who likes being around me , and maybe be something more . I sense you want to kiss me but are afraid to . But if you want to then do so , I will not toss you out or even hit you . You can be free with me , kind of the person you have always wanted but never had in school or even out of school " She said with a very kind smile and leaned in close as she laid her head on his shoulder . Smiling happily as everything just seemed really nice , right now she was just happy . She relaxed a bit and kept herself open , but not to the point where she was slutty about it . Her touch was warm and inviting . As were her words . Henry sat there and listened to what she said . In response to what he said . " Listen Eden . I like you . I mean I really like you . And I 'd love to kiss you . I 'd love to do more than kiss you . It has been so long since I have been with a woman . And I understand you are virgin and that is what makes this unfair . To you . I know what I have been missing . And I 'm telling you , it will be the most wonderful thing you can imagine when you get there . " Henry could see in her eyes , she was wanting what he was describing . " But it 's not fair . I would kiss you . And then I would want to touch you . And I would want you to touch me back . And … " He paused for a long time . Her eyes asking him to finish . " And , I don 't know if I could stop . I know I wouldn 't want to . And that 's what 's so unfair . To you . " He could see the disappointment in her eyes , the defeat in her body language , the slumping of her shoulders . She was feeling rejected . Something she had said earlier came back to him . She had said she had never even had a boyfriend . That boys would not ask her out . She was being so bold for her . She bared her soul and exposed herself . And he rejected her . Defeated her . It crushed his heart to understand suddenly what he had done to her . " Can I ask you something ? " He said . " I 'm going to ask , but you can 't answer me right away . After I ask you , I 'm going to get up and get a glass of water from the kitchen to give you a chance to think about it . You can say yes . And you can say no . Either way is OK . I promise . You can say no and it will be fine . OK ? " " Alright . I 'd like to kiss you Eden . I 'd like to hold you and kiss you . But that 's all OK ? I can 't let it go any further . It wouldn 't be fair to either of us . If you say yes , it has to stop at a kiss . Then I will go to bed and we can talk in the morning ok ? " And with that , he got up and walked into the kitchen , out of sight to leave her to think about his offer . Eden heard what he said to her about things being unfair , and she tilted her head to the side . She just felt like hiding under a rock , looking down she had been rejected again . Closing her eyes as she just wanted to scream , she figured she would never know a mans love . And she had a knot in her stomach , right now she just did not know what she wanted . She was confused and knew not what was going to happen . But deep down she just wanted to cry , she had no means of anything and right now she was so lost in everything . Watching him get up to get that drink , she ran her fingers against the back of the neck . Right now nothing seemed to really matter , sitting back she did not know what to say or what to do . She was afraid she would want more and try to take it , she had no idea what she would be like under this kind of situation . But she was collecting herself , trying her best to just relax and be herself to him . She had been defeated again in her life , he offered her a hand she was afraid of taking much more then that . And right now she did not have that luxury and had a feeling that she may never , her hands in her lap as everything just seemed to stop to her . All in all this was the kind of thing that just made her really depressed , in that moment she heard the water stop running and knew he would be back in any second . Sighing sadly as she looked up and gave him a little smile to get him to . " I 'll take your offer " She said in a rather peaceful way . Brushing a strand of black hair out of her eye she knew all to well that things were about to get ugly . But she actually was not afraid any more , she had lived in the shadows for to long . She had been the yes girl always agreeing with what is going on . And frankly she wanted to be her own man , well so to speak her own woman she would call it . She relaxed back in her couch and just let him do what he had to do , so he could show her . As Henry walked into the kitchen , he wondered if he had just screwed things up . He kept replaying the conversation in his head . She was not just inexperienced . She was a virgin . And not just a virgin , but never even had a boyfriend . Never been kissed . It seemed like a reasonable approach didn 't it ? To offer to teach her . But to go slow . Not to take advantage of her . But as he was saying it , he saw her spirit being crushed . Every word came out wrong and he could see the defeat and sense of rejection in her eyes . He didn 't even want to go back in the room now . He felt so bad . He filled the glass three times over , stalling . Delaying the dreaded trip back into the living room to the poor girl he just destroyed . How could he ever fix what he had done ? He needed to face her . She didn 't deserve to be left alone there suffering on the couch . He turned with his full glass and headed back into the room . Eden was sitting back in the corner of the couch , a confused look on her face . He was about to tell her how sorry he was for what he said when she spoke first saying she would accept his offer . Henry sat down on the couch near her and tried to make it better . He could see the pain in her eyes , the fear she was being rejected again . He reached out and took her hand in his . Holding her with one hand and cupping her hand with the other . " Eden , you are so beautiful . So kind and generous . And you have so much to offer . " He slid back into the couch , close to her still as he now reached up and touched her higher on her arm . " It 's been so long for me . Maybe we both need this . " And with that , he leaned forward toward her . Closer still . Reaching up , his hand touched her cheek , his fingers tracing her lips . And then , his hand cupped the back of her neck and pulled her to him . His lips touched hers . Gently at first . Light little kisses . Pecks as he pulled her tighter to his chest . His lips parted slightly , his tongue wetting his lips and her . He could feel her trembling in his arms . But she was not pulling back . He could feel her pressing into him . Wanting to learn , wanting more . His lips parted and his tongue crept forward , teasing her lips as they parted slightly . She stuck her tongue out slightly a little clumsy as first as she experimented , trying to follow his lead . Their tongues danced playfully together . Henry suddenly felt her hands on his shoulders as she touched him lightly . Her hands rubbing him lightly , working their way around his back as she was pulled to him . His hands were guiding the back of her neck and running fingers through her hair . She smelled heavenly . The sweet scent of her light perfume and floral shampoo was intoxicating . It had been so very long for him and he could feel the urges rushing back . His breathing was becoming haggard his heart was racing . And he could feel the arousal building in his loins . This felt so wrong . And yet , felt so very right . Eden was a quick learner and was kissing him back with the same fever and passion as he was giving her . And it only fueled his fire more . He pulled her tight , feeling her full breasts pressing against his chest as he rotated , pulling her into his lap . His hand working its way down her back , to her tapered waist . He came up for air and began kissing her neck and was greeted with a low guttural moan . Eden perhaps over did how she acted , but it just happened and did not mean to be so dramatic about it . She just did not like rejection it was something she hated , something she could not really stand . She spent all her life trying to figure out why she was alone , was she not good enough , pretty enough ? Have the body ? So many questions just hit her over and over in her head . She had kept looking down so did not see the way he looked at her , sighing sadly as everything just seemed to turn to hell . But she heard him walk back over to her , smiling weakly as she looked at him . Rubbing the back of her neck , she felt kinda awkward now . She felt him sit down and just had a feeling that perhaps this was going to be ruined because of her . It was hard to even fathom how she felt about everything . It was the kind of thing she was not good at , perhaps that was why she never had a boyfriend , why she was still a virgin . But she made herself look up at him , gazing into his eyes a little . But then she felt him touch her , and heard everything he said . Smiling a little bit , shaking her head showing it was okay . She just said she was sorry for being over sensitive , and right now everything just seemed to suck . But she felt the way he looked at her , something had changed in his personality . She could read people pretty well , which has kept her out of trouble many times before . But she watched what he was doing , feeling how his hands went against her . Her stormy eyes looking at him . And then before she knew it he was kissing her , her eyes showed surprise . But she closed her eyes and returned the kiss , her first kiss was something that just about took her breath away . Her heart racing as he pulled her onto his lap . Placing her hands on his shoulders , she moaned a little in the kiss . She felt amazing in this moment , smiling a little as she just enjoyed how things took off . Returning the kiss as she got better at it , but then when their tongues met she moaned even louder . Enjoying herself . Henry could feel her responding . As he rotated and pulled her to him , he could feel her crawling into his lap . Climbing up his chest , begging for his touch . The closer he held her , the more she responded . Once he kissed her , there was no holding her back . Her mouth and lips were open , searching for lips and skin to touch and kiss . The memories starting flooding back to him . Not of his ex , but of loving , being loved , making love and finding release . His touch was soft and gentle , reassuring and comforting . And yet , she could not know the internal battle he was fighting within himself . He promised himself he would kiss her and nothing more . And he had promised her . But could he really stop now ? He pulled away from her as she clawed at him , trying to bring him back . He could see the pain welling in her eyes . The fear of feeling rejected . Of being pushed away again . " Please Henry . Please don 't stop . " She said sobbing slightly . " Eden . I don 't want you to regret anything . I want to give you time to think . Your first time should be with someone special . I want you to have time to think about it . To make sure this what you want . " " You are someone special . Please Henry . Don 't stop . Please . Make love to me . Show me how it feels . I want this and I want you to be the one . " Truth was , he wanted it too . As much as he had ever wanted to make love to a woman before . Maybe more than when he was in love with his ex - wife . He pulled her to him again and kissed her hard and deep . She was inexperienced but she was eager and learning fast . Her arms were around him holding him tight and his hands explored her curves . He stroked her hips , her waist and then , his hands rose between them . As he continued kissing her , his hands reached up and cupped her breasts as she moaned deeply through her kiss . He began massaging her breasts and felt her start to tremble in his arms . There was no doubt in his mind , she had never been held or touched like this before . Henry rolled back to his left and laid her gently on the couch as she fell out of his arms . He then sat up and stood over her looking down into her fiery eyes . " Henry ? Don 't leave me ! Don 't stop . Please ! " she begged as her eyes began filling with fear again . " I 'm not leaving you Eden . I 'm going to make love to you . But not here . Not on the couch . " And with that , he knelt down and scooped her up in his strong arms . Her arms wrapped around his neck in a death grip , afraid to let him go as he stood up , turned and headed to the bedroom with her comfortably in his arms … Eden had no idea what she was doing any more , her heart and brain seemed to be battling each other . She promised him it would just be a kiss , but something in her just snapped . It was rather nice to have this moment with him , perhaps she was just being foolish . Or perhaps she just did not give a damn any more , he touched her in a way no man had ever done . The way his body felt against her own , she grew lost in the moments now . Thinking of all the times she was alone , no boy ever wanted her . She may have been beautiful , but some people in school thought she was fat . Something she got into her head , and it took five years to get it out of her head . She was grateful to have what she did , and right here and now a man had his arms around her . Emotions long forgotten started to come up to the surface . How she wanted him to just make love to her now . But when he told her he didn 't want to have her make the wrong choice , a choice that would be something she would regret . But she could never imagine not wanting this with him . Sure they did not know each other really , but something inside of her felt like a piece of him was talking to her in a way . Like they were suppose to be together now , but she just shook that stupid idea out of her head . Her eyes looking into his as she pleaded . Feeling his arms around her she felt at peace , closing her eyes in that moment she felt him pick her up . She never thought someone would pick her up , but hell she thought she would die a virgin and never knowing what certain things were . But right now things just seemed to be falling right into her lap . Her eyes opened up as she felt him going upstairs . Looking into his eyes she saw something most didn 't , and she was happy . She saw outside the box so to speak , no one told her or taught her what to do in life . Some wanted her to be judgmental like most of the population , but Eden was a free spirit . The kind of spirit that could not force itself to be cruel to people , there was no point to it . God sure as hell did not put us on this planet to kill each other , to hurt each other and to turn backs on one another . Life scared her , but right now life did not even exist . " I wont regret a thing " She said to him with a soft voice , her voice strong yet soft and it carried her desire for him . She pointed to where her room was and watched as he laid her down , looking up into his eyes she knew she was where she wanted to be right now . With him and be free , free to love each other and to protect one another . But Eden would never regret what she wanted , she saw the good in most people and he was one .

" Thank you for printing this testimony , I have been so troubled by what I have read and I can believe what she said because I worked as a waitress . And the priest and nuns would come in a order drinks while wearing the habit . I had a friend that confronted one of the priests and boy what a big blow up that was . " It was very eye opening to say the least . So I can understand some of what the woman said . I would really like to pray for those other nuns . thank you for your site and information . " SR I 'm interested in their souls . I believe Jesus went to Calvary . He died that you and I might know Him . And their souls are just as precious as your soul and my soul . So I 'm interested . I really didn 't have any fear in my heart whatsoever . Everything that was taught to me was seemingly along the line that I had been taught in the church before I entered the convent . And so one day , after having been , uh , after making up my mind to enter a convent , I remember that particular day , two of the sisters came home with me from school . They were my teachers . And when we arrived at my father 's home that afternoon our Father - confessor was in the home likewise . I often say when I was a little girl children were seen and not heard . You didn 't talk when you was a child , at least in my family , in my home unless you were spoken to . And I remember I listened to them carry on a conversation , and then I moved over close enough to my father and I asked him if I could say something . And that was a bit out of the ordinary . And he permitted me to talk and I said , " Dad , I want to go into a convent . " And I will tell you that priest took it up quickly . He had already been influencing me . My father broke down and began to cry , not because he 's sad , but he 's very happy . My mother came over and took me in her arms and she , too , wept tears . She 's very happy . I lacked about 3 months being 13 years of age . Just a little girl . I look back on it now and I think , " My ! " Homesick ? I was so homesick , why my mother and daddy , they stayed three days with me and when they left I became so homesick ! Just a baby away from home . When I was a little girl , you know I never spent a night away from my mother , and I surely had never gone any place without my family . And naturally there was a close tie in our family and I was very lonely and very homesick . And I knew the priest had taught us to always make a good confession . Keep nothing back . Tell everything if I expected absolution from any sin that I might have committed . And so I would ask the Virgin Mary to help me make a good confession . I would ask then Jesus to help me make a good confession . And you know , I 'll assure you , after I 'd lived in the convent for , , , I had to go on with my schooling . I had just finished the eighth grade and they promised to give me a high school education and some college education . But , I didn 't get much college , I got mostly just high school training . And they gave that to me alright . I took it under some terrible difficulties and strains and all of that . It was terribly difficult . But they gave it to me for which I appreciate very very much . So now I 've entered the convent and for just a few minutes I want to tell you just how we lived , what we eat , how we sleep . If I take you into the convent and tell you those things you 'll understand a little bit more about my testimony . At first as I entered the convent as a small child I went on to school , but I was being trained . But the day came when I was fourteen and a half . The mother came to me and she began to tell me about the White Veil . And I didn 't know too much about it , but in taking the white veil they told me that I would be becoming the spouse or bride of Jesus Christ . There would be a ceremony and I would be dressed in a wedding garment . And then whatever she asks , my father sends it . The little buying sister goes out and buys the material and the wedding gown is made by the nuns of the cloister . I 'm still Open Order now . They wouldn 't but maybe a third of that for the wedding garment . They would keep the rest of it and my father would never know the difference . Neither did I until I lived in the convent for a period of time and I had to make some of the wedding clothes and then I knew the value of them and what they cost . And I knew the of money that came in because I was one of the older nuns . Well , alright , the time came , of course , when I walked down that aisle and I was dressed in a wedding garment . Now you know in the convent I used to walk the fourteen stations of the cross - the fourteen steps that Jesus carried the cross to Calvary . But after I had made up my mind to take the white veil , never again did I walk . I wanted to be worthy . I wanted to be holy enough to become the spouse or the bride of Jesus Christ . And so I would get down on my knees and crawl the fourteen stations . Quite a distance , but I crawled them every Friday morning . I felt it would make me holy . I felt it would drawl me closer to God . It would make me worthy of the step that I was going to take . And that 's what I wanted more than anything else in the world . I would like to impress upon your heart , every little girl that enters the convent that I know anything about . That child has a desire to live for God . That child has a desire to give her heart , mind , and soul to God . Now many , many people make this remark and we hear it from various types of folk who say only bad women go into convents . That isn 't true . There are movie stars who go into convents . They 've lived out in the world , and no doubt they are sinners and all of that . But they go in when they are women . They know what they are doing . And they go in only because the Roman Catholic Church is going to receive , not only thousands , but yea it will run up into the millions of dollars . They don 't mind who they take in if they can get a lot of money out of that individual . But the ordinary little girl that goes in as a child , she 's just a child and she goes in there with a heart and mind and soul just as clean as any child could be . I say that because sometimes you hear a lot of things that are really not true . Now after we become the spouse of Jesus Christ , I want you to listen carefully to this and then you can follow me into the rest of the testimony . We are now looked upon as married women . We are looked upon as married women . We are the spouse or the bride of Jesus Christ . Now the priest teaches every little girl that will take the white veil , they 'll become the bride of Christ . He teaches her to believe that her family will be saved . It doesn 't make any difference how many banks they 've robbed , how many stores they 've robbed . It doesn 't make any difference how they drink and smoke and carouse and live out in this sinful world and do all the things that sinners do . It doesn 't make a bit of difference . Still our family will be saved if we continue to live in the convent and give our lives to the convent or to the church we can rest assured that every member of our immediate family will be saved . And you know there are many little children that are influenced and enticed to go into convents because we realize it is the salvation for our families . And of course we are children and our minds are immature and we don 't know any better . And it 's so easy to instill things like this into the hearts and minds of little children and the priest is - he 's really good at it . And , of course , we look upon our priest , our father - confessor , I looked upon him as God . He 's the only God I knew anything about , and to me he was infallible . I didn 't think he could sin . I didn 't think that he would lie . I didn 't think that he ever made a mistake . I looked upon him as the holiest of holy because I didn 't know a God , but I did know the Roman Catholic Priest , and to me , I looked to him for everything that I asked of God , so to speak . I believed the priest could give it to me . And so the day comes when all of us now , as we 're going in ( I want you to listen carefully ) after taking the white veil things are beautiful . I 'm sixteen and a half years of age . Everyone 's good to me and I 'm living in the convent and I haven 't seen anything yet because no little girl , we 're not subject to a Roman Catholic Priest until we are 21 years of age , and as we give you this next vow then you 'll understand we don 't know about this . This is kept from the little sisters until we 've taken our black veils and then it 's too late . I don 't carry the key to those double doors and there 's no way for me to come out . The priest will tell all over the whole United States and other countries that sisters , or nuns rather , can walk out of convents when they want to . I spent 22 years there . I did everything there was to do to get out . That was their purpose in building them as they build them . And there 's no way for us to get out unless God makes a way . But I believe God 's making a way for numbers of little girls after they come out of the convent . She knew I was willing to suffer . I didn 't murmur . I didn 't complain . She knew all of that and she 's watching my life and that 's the reason she began to tell me about the black veil . And then of course , you know I didn 't know too much about a cloistered nun . I didn 't know their lives . I didn 't know how they live . I didn 't know what they 've done . But you know a Roman Catholic can lie to you and they don 't have to go to confession and tell the priest about the lie that they 've told because they 're lying to protect their faith . They can tell any lie they want to to protect their faith and never go the confessional box and tell the priest about it . They can do more than that . They can steal up to 40 dollars and they don 't have to tell the priest about it . They don 't have to say one word about it in the confessional box . They 're taught that . Every Roman Catholic knows it and every Roman Catholic ( you 'd be horrified if you know how many of them ) steal up to that amount . And many of them lie . We 've dealt with them . I 've dealt with hundreds and hundreds of them . I 've seen good many of them fall in at the altar and cry out to God to save them . And , you know , before they 're saved they look into my face and hold my hand and lie to me . But after God gets a hold of their heart then they want to make right what they 've told me because they realize that they 've lied about it . But as long as they 're Roman Catholic they 're permitted to lie . And it 's the saddest thing . You can 't expect them to know God because God does not condone sin . I don 't care who you are . I don 't believe God condones sin and I don 't believe he 's going to condone it in the Roman Catholic people , even though they are being mislead and they 're being blinded and being led in the way that 's going to lead them into a Devil 's hell . Now the day comes . She told me , " Charlotte , you have to be willing to spill your blood as Jesus shed his upon Calvary . " She said , " You 'll have to be willing to do penance , heavy penance . " She said , " You 'll have to be willing to live in crucial poverty . " Now already I 'm living in a bit of poverty , but I thought that was going to make me holy and draw me close to God and would make me a better nun . And so I 'm willing to live in that poverty . And then , on this particular morning , she told me what I would be wearing . She said , " You 'll spend nine hours in a casket " and she explained a number of things to me . That 's the most I knew about it and I didn 't find that out until I 'd taken my white veil . And so , on this particular morning I 'm 21 years of age . But 60 days previous to my being 21 years of age , I 'm going to sign some papers that they 've placed in front of me . And those papers are this : I 'm going to sign away every bit of inheritance that I might have received from my family after their death . Of course I signed that over to the Roman Catholic Church . She didn 't make me do it . No one did . But I thought it over for a couple years and then one day I told her , " I think I 'm going to hide away behind the convent doors because I believe I could give more time to God . I could pray more . " It doesn 't make any difference , the amount of education we have . We are still heathens . We know nothing about this lovely Christ , nothing about the plan of salvation . And we 're living as hermits in the convent . I have a funeral shroud . It 's made of dark red velvet and it 's way down to the floor . And I 'm walking down that aisle . I know what I 'm going to do . The casket is already made by the nuns of the cloister of very rough boards . Now I know when I come out of that casket I 'll never leave the convent again . I know I 'll never see my mother and father again . I 'll never go home again . I 'll always live behind convent doors and when I die my body will be buried there . What do you think I did ? I spilled every tear in my body . I remembered every lovely thing my mother done for me . I remembered her voice . I remembered the gathering around the table . I remembered the times when she would pray with us . I remembered the things that she said to me . I remembered what a marvelous cook she was . Everything as a little girl growing up in that home , I remembered it . Laying in that casket , knowing I 'll never hear her voice again and I 'll never see her face again . I knew I 'd want to see her someday , but I gave it all up . What for ? For the love of God , I thought . I didn 't know any better . And I 'll assure you those were nine long hours . And then I seemingly got a hold of myself and I thought this , " Charlotte , now you 're going to make the best Carmelite nun ! " Because everything I 've done , even ( now ) that I 'm out of the convent , I do give my best . I try to give everything that I have regardless what I might do . And so I did in the convent . I gave the best that I had . And I wanted to be the best nun that I could possible be . And the mother superior knew that and , don 't worry , the priest knew all about that too . We call it the mother superior 's room . Now I 've never been in that particular room , so I don 't know what she has in there . But , you know , when I walk in there this time the mother superior sits me down in a straight backed , hard - bottomed chair and immediately then I 'm going to take three vows of poverty , chastity , and obedience . Now when I sign that vow I sign it thus and I 'm willing to live in crucial poverty the balance of my live , as long as I live . And what that poverty is like , of course we [ the nuns undergoing initiation ] don 't know . And then my next vow , I 'm going to vow of chastity . And you know this vow , of course you know what it means . I 'm taught to believe that I 'm married to Jesus Christ . I 'm his bride . I 'll always remain a virgin . I 'll never legally marry again in this world because I have become the spouse or the bride of Jesus Christ . After the bishop married me to Christ he placed the ring on my finger and that meant I 'm sealed to Christ . I 'm married to him and I accepted it because I didn 't know any better . And now here I am taking a vow that I would always remain a virgin because I 'm the bride of Christ . And I want you to listen carefully . And then , of course my last vow - of obedience . Now when we signed that vow , I 'll assure you already I know what obedience means . I 'm living in a convent and there they demand absolute obedience . You don 't get by with anything , not even for two minutes . Alright , now what does it mean to assign vows like this ? Let me tell you this . It means more than you folk will ever know because most people that I know anything about , they know very little about obedience . Alright , that particular vow , when I signed it in my own blood , it done something to me because after I signed those vows do you realize that I 've signed away everything that I have ? My human rights . I have become a mechanical human being now . I can 't sit down until they tell me to . I don 't dare to get up until they tell me to . I can 't lie down until they tell me to and neither do I dare to get up . I cannot eat until they tell me to . And what I see , I don 't see . What I hear , I don 't hear . What I fell , I don 't feel . I 've become a mechanical human being , but you 're not aware of that until you have signed all these vows . Now the mother superior is going to cut every bit of hair off of my head , and when she cuts it with the scissors she puts the clippers on it . And I mean there 's nothing left . I don 't have one speck of hair left on my head . There are no combs in the convent . And so you can imagine how hard it would be for us to take care of a head of hair . It 's not necessary that we have a comb after they 've finished with it . I was wondering what my mother was trying to say to me . Don 't worry . You 'll never get to know what she wanted to say to you because they have blacked it out . And so they break your heart many , many times and you 're lonely anyway because you have no friends in the convent . Alright . Now after all of this has transpired and all of this has happened everything I have is gone . I 've sold my soul for a mess of theological pottage , because not only are we destroyed in our bodies . Many of us in our minds . And many of us , if we die in the convent , we 've lost our souls . And so it 's a serious thing and I 'll surely covet your prayers for little cloistered nuns behind convent doors . They 'll never hear this gospel . They 'll never know the Christ that you folk know tonight or today . They 'll never pray to him as you people pray to him . They 'll never feel his blessings as you people feel them . And so put them on your hearts and pray for them . They surely need much prayer . And then , after this , the mother superior leads me out into another room or , rather , she opens the door and I 'm to be sent into that room . And when I walk out in that room I see something I have never seen before . I see a Roman Catholic priest dressed in a holy habit . And he walks over to me and he locks his arm in my arm which he has never done in the first part of my convent life . I never had a priest to insult me in any way . I never had one of them to be even unkind to me in the first part of my convent experience . And I 'll assure you , we 'll be telling you a little later in the testimony what they really do after they come in under those particular deals . But may I say now every bridge has been burned out from under me . There 's no way back . I can 't get out of the convent even though I 've pled . Oh , how I pled with that priest ! " Send for my father , I want to go home ! I don 't want to go any farther . " And let me tell you , that 's when you stand alone . And so , after all of this , my mail was stopped . I 'll never receive another bit of mail from my family . Never another letter . I belong to the pope . I belong to Rome . And then , after all of this , the mother superior after taking these particular vows and the priest has invited me to go to the bridal chamber . You say , " Did you go ? " No . Definitely not . I didn 't enter the convent to be a bad woman . It would have been much easier to have stayed out of the convent to be a bad woman . You wouldn 't go into the convent and live in the poverty we live in and to suffer as we suffered to be a bad woman . And here this priest is , and of course I didn 't go to the bridal chamber with him . I had a strong body then . One of us would have been wounded because I would have fought until the last drop of blood . And you know it made them very , very angry I 'll assure you because I didn 't go to the bridal chamber with him . Now I 'm going to have to go to penance the next morning and of course this will be a heavier penance because of what I done already . And when the mother superior says , " We 're going to do penance " the next morning I 'm going to be initiated as a Carmelite nun . And I remember when she walked me down into that particular place it was a dark room . Remember , I lived above , one the first floor until my black veil . After the black veil they take me one story under the ground . And I lived from there on , until God delivered me , under the ground . I didn 't live in the top part of this building at all . You know , as we walked into this room it 's dark and it 's very cold . Anywhere in the convent you 'll find the seven candles burning . And when I came a little closer I saw the candles but I couldn 't see anything else and I wondered , " What 's she going to do to me ? " That 's the thing in our hearts and we can 't get away from it because we have fear . And when I come a little closer I saw something lying on a board there . And you know when I came real close then I realized , here 's a little nun lying on that board . I 'll call it a cooling board because it was that . And just as long as her body . And there she was and when I could see where the candles flickered down on her face I realized , " That child is dead ! " And oh , I wanted so much to say , " How did she die ? Why is she here ? How long do you keep her here ? " But you remember I signed away every human right and so I can 't say one word , but I stood looking . And the mother superior said , " You stand vigil over this dead body for one hour . " And I did exactly what they told me to do . Oh , it was a terrible feeling . I 'm not afraid of the dead . It 's the live people we have to be very cautious about . And I wasn 't afraid of that little dead nun , but oh , my heart ached for her . And , of course , my being down there with that little dead nun I was full of fear . Well that girl laid a hand on my shoulder , I let out a scream , a horrible scream from fear , just fear . I didn 't mean to do it . I didn 't break that rule on purpose , but I was scared . And she put me in such a dirty dark place with no floor in it for three days and nights . And I didn 't get any food and any water , and I 'll assure you , I didn 't scream any more . I tried so hard not to break the rules of screaming because there is a dungeon and I know they 'll put you in it . Alright , now , I 'll say this now before I go any further , that popery is a masterpiece of Satan . I said it 's a masterpiece of Satan with his lying wonders and his traditions and his deceptions . It 's a terrible thing when you know about it . She took me down into another room . Not the same room . And when we come walking down this time I could see that big piece of wood but I didn 't know what it was . And when I came a little closer there was a cross . It was made of heavy timber . I might say it was eight or ten feet high . Very heavy . And that cross was sitting on an incline like that . And she had me walk over here at the base of the cross and she said , " Now strip your clothes off . " And I took my clothes off down to my waistline . Then she made me drape my body over the foot of that cross and she pulled my hands underneath and bound them to my feet . That 's where I 'm going to spill my blood . She had not told me how , and neither could I ask how I would spill it . She gave two little nuns that came with her , a flagellation whip . I might call it a bamboo pole . It 's about this long , it 's about that big around , and it has six straps on it about this long . At the same time those girls began whipping my body . And I mean when that metal hit my body it would break the hide of course . It would cut into the flesh and I spilled blood . It was running down to the floor . That 's my flagellation whipping . That is where I spill my blood as Jesus did upon Calvary . And of course I 'm human , it wounded , it hurt ! It was very painful . They had dried in those wounds and it was terrible . I didn 't take them off for several nights . And I 'll assure you that when I came before my food I didn 't want my cup of black coffee . In the morning we get a cup of black coffee they serve in a tin cup and we can have no milk or no sugar of any type and we have one slice of bread . That 's made by the nuns of the cloister . They weigh it . It weighs four ounces [ 113 g . ] . That 's all I get for breakfast . And then , of course , in the evening I get a bowl of soup , and that 's fresh vegetables cooked together ( there 's no seasoning in the soup whatsoever ) and a half a slice of bread and three times a week they give me a half a glass of skim milk . That consists of my food 365 days in the year . And I began loosing weight very rapidly , I 'll assure you , because I didn 't have enough food to eat . I don 't know the day that I went to bed without a hungry stomach . Sometimes it would be so hungry I couldn 't sleep . The pain was gnawing . But I 'll assure you , there 's not one of them that 's comfortable . They 're hungry , and they 're sick , and they 're wounded , and they 're hurt . They 're heartsick and homesick and discouraged and , worst of all seemingly , they have no hope . No hope . You and I are looking forward to the day when we 're going to see Jesus . They have no hope whatsoever and I surely hope you don 't forget to pray for them . Alright that was terrible . I 'll assure you . Then in a few mornings after this , the mother superior is taking me back for another initiation . And when I go into the penance chamber this morning we come from a place up here and we 're going to walk along like that clear to the back . And you know , it was quite a ways back there and I went through - part of it 's a tunnel . And then I come out into a room and I 'll walk through that railing . When I get way back there I see those candles burning and I see something else . There 's ropes hanging down from the ceiling and , oh , I 'm so scared ! I wonder what the ropes are for and what she 's going to do . After these two penances , you began to have a lot of fear in your heart . And so I can 't say anything and I walk back there and , you know , I saw the ropes then real plain . What they 're doing hanging down from that ceiling ? Then she tells me , " You go over there against the wall . " About that close from the wall and I have to stand sideways like this . Then she asks me to put up both of my thumbs and I did . And then she pulled one rope down and there 's a metal band fastened securely and she fastens that around the joint of my thumb . Then the other one comes down and fastens around this thumb . And there I 'm standing like this , facing the wall and then , you know , she comes over here to the end and there 's a , uh , whatever you want to call it . She starts winding , and I start moving ! And she 's taking me right up in the air . And , you know , when she gets me so just my toes are on the floor , just on my tiptoes , she fastens it . And there I hang . And all the weight of my body is on my thumbs and on my toes . Not a word is said . No one speaks a word . And she walks out of that room and locks the door . If you know what it means to hear a key lock in a door and know that I 'm strung up there like that ! You 'll never know unless you 're a nun . And when that woman walked out I didn 't know how long I 'll stay there , how long that woman would leave me there . And , you know , they didn 't come to give me food . They brought me no water . And I thought , " Is this it ? Am I going to die back here just like this ? " And within a few hours , you can imagine , I 'm still a human being , my muscles began to scream out with the pain . I was suffering . And woman let me hang . Nobody came near . And what good would it do for me to cry ? And so I just hung there . And finally I began to , seemingly , I felt like I couldn 't stand it . I 'll surely die if they don 't come and get me quickly ! And I felt as if I was beginning to swell . I don 't know how long went by and she opened the door one morning and she had something for me to eat and the water was in a pan . And it was potatoes , and those potatoes were not good to eat . They were in a pan . And there 's a shelf over there on the wall that she can adjust to the height of the nun . And you know , she pulled it up . Now ( recall ) I 'm not against the wall . I 'm about this far from it . But you get that food . She puts it there and says , " This is your food . " And she walks out . Now , how am I going to get it ? She didn 't let my hands down . But this is what you 'll learn and you 'll struggle to get it . I 'm hungry . I 'm so thirsty I feel like I 'm going mad . And to get it , I discovered that this hand goes high and this one will come down a little bit . And that 'll keep on going higher as I lean I have to reach higher with this one . This one ( the other ) will automatically let down . And to get that water and that food I mean I had to get it like the dogs and cats . And I lapped as much of it as I could because I am so thirsty . And get those potatoes ? I tried as hard as I could because I 'm hungry ! I mean I 'm hungry ! And I got as much of it as I could , naturally . But I was hungry ! That 's the way she fed me for a while , and then she released the bonds on my hands and on my feet - ( I shouldn 't have said on my feet ) . She didn 't release the bonds . I could see on them right there they were two or three size their normal size . I felt like I was that way all over my body and I was like a boil . I was in real suffering . And then on the ninth day she comes in and she releases the bonds from my hands and my body and lets me down on the floor . Now I go down , I can 't walk . I 'll assure you I didn 't walk . I didn 't walk for a long time . But you know what ? There 's two little nuns , they carry me out . One gets under my feet , one gets under my shoulders and they carry me in to the infirmary and they lay me on a slab of wood , and there they cut the clothing from my body . And let me tell you right now , nobody but God will ever know ! I 'm covered with vermin and filth . Why ? I 'm hanging there in my own human filth . There are no toilet facilities [ in the penance chamber ] . Right behind me is a stool and they had running water in it and the lid is down and they have sharp nails driven through that lid . If I break my ropes and fall on that , I would suffer terribly ! And this is the life of a little nun behind cloister doors after they 've already deceived us , disillusioned us , and got us back there , then this is the life that we 're living and these are the things that we 're going to have to do . And I 'll assure you , it isn 't anything funny . And then I remember as I lived on in that place , oh let me tell you ! In the morning we have to get up out of our beds at 4 : 30 in the morning . The mother superior taps a bell and that means five minutes to dress and may I say to you folk , it 's not five a half minutes . You better get that clothing on in five minutes . I failed one time and I had to be punished severely , but I never failed again in all the years in the convent . And you know , when we are finished dressing , then we 're going to start marching . And we march by the mother superior and that mother superior 's going to appoint us to an office duty every morning . It might be scrubbing . It might be ironing . It might washing . It might be doing some hard work . But I have to work one hour , then we 'll go in and gather around the table and we 'll find , sitting in front of us , our tin cup full of coffee and our slice of bread . And then , of course , we have hard work to do . We have , I think there was 12 tubs in the convent that I lived in , and we washed on the old - fashioned washboard . We have the old flat iron that you heat on the stove . And we have to do that clothing on top of it . We work very , very hard , and they [ the nuns ] are not able to work because they don 't have enough food to eat , food to keep body , mind , and soul together . And these little girls are living under those particular circumstances . Well , I say we 're women without a country , and I mean just exactly what I say , women without a country . Now we belong to the pope . Anything they want to inflict upon my body they can do it . And you press a button there and there 'll be a gate swing out . It has about three shelves on it . And , of course you 've brought something for someone that you know in the convent . It might be the mother coming to visit her daughter . You 'll never see the mother superior , but she 'll answer you behind the black veil . And you might say , " I 've brought some homemade candy for my daughter " and you might ask the mother superior to let you speak to her . You can 't see here , but you can speak to her . You know , the mother will call that lovely little girl and call her out on the other side of the rail . You can 't see her . And you know what ? The mother will speak to her and say , " Honey , are you happy here ? " You say , " Why did she say that ? " Well , bless your heart ! Don 't you know that the mother superior is standing there and if we didn 't say that , after our mother is gone , then only God knows what the mother superior will do to the little nun , and so we must lie to our mother . Then the mother will say , " Do you have plenty to eat ? " I 'll assure that mother , she 'll never eat another meal at home . No never . You 'd never enjoy another meal if you could see your child after she 's in a convent for a period of time . But these things , of course , are under cover and we have to take what they give us . Alright , now they can make us do anything . Here we are , the mother superior and I might be down in the laundry room , washing . ( And I told you how we washed ) . And it 's a cement floor . Doing the type of laundry we do , some of it 's very heavy . The water slops out on the floor and , oh it 's such a mess ! I was scared to death of her . Every time I saw that woman somebody had to suffer and we 're afraid of her and she knows that we 're afraid of her because she 's cruel , I 'll say her heart is callused . And here she comes . And there we are washing . And I tell you when she comes ( and we know her , we feel her presence . And I 'm out there like a flash because I 'm scared . And then she 'll say , " Prostrate yourself down and lick so many crosses on that floor . " That 's a cement floor ! And of course I have to prostrate my body and lick those crosses , and those are not little tiny crosses . As far as I reach I have to lick those crosses . And she watches my countenance . If I don 't like it and she knows I that I don 't like it then she might say , " Ten . " She might say , " Twenty - five . " And then , you know , the next morning she might walk back there again , and because she saw something in my face that made her to know I didn 't like what she wanted me to do she may call me again . My tongue by this time may be sore . It 's bleeding , but I have to lick those crosses on the floor again . And then they do the same way about compelling us to crawl . They 'll compel you to crawl , and I , may I say , it could be up and down an aisle like this ten times . We know nothing about this lovely gospel of Jesus Christ . And so we have to do these things . Then the mother superior might walk through the cell door . And by the way , I 'll assure you folk , you 'll never want to lean on our prayer board . We lean on it every day if we are able to walk under our own power . It is a board about this high from the ground and there are two leaning up like this one . There 's going to be sharp wires . After all , I told you we were going to suffer . We were going to do penance , and this is a part of my suffering . As I kneel on that prayer board I 'm praying for lost humanity and I 'm believing , as I suffer , that my grandmother will be released from a priest 's purgatory sooner because of my suffering . And I 'll kneel there longer sometimes . It 's terrible . We don 't know any better , so we 'll do that because that 's all that little nun does know , and we believe it . And there we are , and we are locked in our cells . Every night the key is turned in those doors . We can 't get up and come out of there . Then , more than that , seven minutes of twelve ( We go to bed at 9 : 30 . The lights are out ) , seven minutes of twelve there 's two little nuns appointed to unlock every door . Every little nun again gets on her feet , dresses in full dress , goes into the inner chapel and there we again pray one hour for lost humanity . We don 't get very much sleep . That 's why . And we don 't get enough food and we work hard and we suffer much . That 's why our bodies are so broken . That 's why we seemingly don 't have enough strength to carry on after we 've lived there . But , I 'd like to say this before I go on any farther . Now I did those very things . We are taught to believe that as we spill our own blood ( now we must do this ) , as I whip my body , if I torment it or torture it in any way that I spill blood , I 'm taught to believe that I 'll have 100 less days to spend in purgatory . Now you know we have no hope . Those little nuns don 't look forward to anything . You may think they do , but we don 't . Why ? After you live in a convent 10 years , I began to realize the Virgin Mary is just a piece of metal . She 's a statue . I began to realize St . Peter 's just a statue . A parent won 't even know when they 're dead . So who 's going to pray us out of purgatory ? Or , rather , buy us out of purgatory ? No , we realize after we 're in there for a period of time that there is no purgatory . Of course , you know there isn 't and I know there isn 't , and there is no purgatory . The only purgatory the Roman Catholic people have is the priest 's pocket , and they 're filling his pockets with coins in order to pray for the dead . In the convent they have a painting of purgatory , and there 's nothing in the room but just that painting . And you know , every Friday we have to walk around that painting . And when we walk around it , I would you could look at the little nuns faces . What do I see ? The painting , as you would walk around it , looks like its a big deep hole out there and there are people down in there , and the flames of fire are lapping around the bodies of those people , and their hands are outstretched like this , and the mother will say to the little nuns , " You better go and put another penance on your body . Those people are begging to get out of that fire . " And because we 're heathens , we don 't know any better . I might go someplace in the convent and maybe I 'll burn my body real bad . Maybe I 'll torture some way and spill some more blood , because as I suffer I believe that they 're going to get out of that place where a priest puts them . And , bless your heart , I often say if you take purgatory and mass away from the Roman Catholic Church and you 'll rob her of nine - tenths of her living . She 'll starve to death if you would take it away from her . She commercializes , not only off of the living , but off of the dead . And on and on it goes . Alright . It doesn 't bother a mother superior to take one of those dear little girls , and may I say , you know , when the priests come into the convent they come as our father - confessors . Once a month we go to confession , and ( we don 't want to go , don 't you worry ! ) I 've many a time got in the back row . I didn 't want to go in there . I know who 's out there . One of them , ( I may not know the particular man , but I know he 's a priest ) , and I know those priests . I certainly have seen them enough . I 've lived there long enough . I certainly have had contact with every one of them . And I 'll assure you this one thing , I don 't trust one single one of those in the convent . Now , we 're not telling you about all the priests . I don 't know all the priests . I 'm just talking about the convent in my personal testimony about convent life , and you know we know something about what 's out in that room . Here we are . We know we 're going to confession today . It may take all day long . And here he comes , and I have never seen a Roman Catholic priest come into the convent that I was in without intoxicating liquor under his belt . And I say a man or a woman , regardless of who you may be , when you get liquor under your belt , you are not a man , neither are you a woman . You become an animal and a beast . And so we have a beast sitting out there . There 's a straight - backed , hard - bottomed chair . No other furniture but the crucifix and the Virgin Mary , but here he is sitting on that chair right out there in the middle of that room . Now here a little girl has to walk out there alone , and she has to kneel down . Think of it ! Why bless your heart , I really sometimes , I 'm saved now , I 'm out of the convent and I now look back at that Roman Catholic priest and I often say , " I 'm sure he was a twin brother to the devil because he 's full of sin . He 's full of vice . He 's full of corruption . " And we go out there and we kneel down at his knees . Now you are a lucky girl if you get away from that man without being destroyed . Why , he 's drunk . He 's just a beast . He 's not a man . Oh , he has a holy habit on . And I 'll assure you , we don 't appreciate that day . And those little girls don 't know any better . They don 't know anything about the plan of salvation . They don 't know that Jesus went to Calvary and died for them . And so now they can do things like this . Now if a Roman Catholic priest comes into the convent , he may go to the mother superior and ask her to permit him to go into the cell where one of the nuns are . And you know , that mother with her carnal mind and her carnal heart , and she 's very hard and very carnal , and she is the mother many times of many illegitimate children , they belong to the priest . And you know , she 'll take that priest , and he drinking , she knows it . They bring liquor in with them . Sometimes some of the nuns will drink with them , and the mother usually drinks with them . ( And it 's really a terrible place , it is , not a religious order . It does not live up to that name whatsoever ) . But here she brings that priest into one of our cells . Now , I wonder if you realize how serious it is . That Roman Catholic priest , he has liquor under his belt . We know that . But he has a big strong body . He 's had three square meals of food every day of his life . He can eat all the food that he wants . But you know , there 's a little nun that may have a broken body , and she may not have very much strength . And what did he come into that cell for ? For nothing other than to destroy that little nun . I often say I wish the government could walk into a convent just about the time one of those priests are let into a cell . The mother will turn a key in the lock and you 're locked in there with that priest . Now we have no way to defend ourselves , and I often say ( I had to nurse those little girls . I 'm an R . N . I got my nurse 's training by going through the tunnel over to the hospital as I lived in an open order convent ) . But may I say that after that priest is taken out of there , if you could look upon the body of that little nun , she looks like something you 'd throw out in a hog pen and a half dozen old sows had just mauled that child 's body . And this is convent life ! I can understand why your priests are calling over the phone every day or two and screaming their heads off because I 'm in this city giving this testimony . But may I say to you , I don 't mind if they continue to scream . I don 't mind what they do . I 'm not one bit afraid of them . I 'll continue to give this testimony . As long as God gives me strength , I 'll be giving this testimony regardless of your priests or your bishops in this country . I know what I 'm doing . I know what I 'm saying , and I 'm not afraid of anybody in all of this world . So I will continue to give this testimony , regardless of what your priests think about it , because I think God saved me to pull the cover off of convents . I believe He saved me to uncloak those places that are riding under the cloak of religion . I believe that with all of my heart . I 'll assure you I do . Then when two carnal minds come together , they can invent things that you and I - we don 't have enough evil in our heart to invent things like that . We don 't have enough sin in our lives to even think of such terrible things . And when those two carnal minds come together , the next time , I want you to know , they 're all ready . They have some leather straps fastened there . And when they take me down there , they put either foot through those rings and then they strap my ankles securely . Now I 'm standing [ balanced above the floor ? ] with my feet in those rings . Alright . They 're going out of there , and they 're going to leave me locked up in that place by myself . And it 's a dirty place . Why I might stand there for two or three hours , if I have strength enough in my body . But what do you think 's going to happen to me then ? I can 't stand any longer . Sometimes we faint . Sometimes we just become exhausted and we go down . But when I go down , it flips my ankles over like that and I can 't do anything about it . I don 't have what it takes for me to get up . I may have to lie in that position for two or three days and no one will come near . They won 't give me a bite of food . They won 't bring me one drop of water , but I must stay there . And the next thing you feel is the bugs crawling over my body and the mice running over me , and I still have to stay there . I can understand why they don 't want me to uncover . They don 't want the world to know these things are going on . No priest in this country wants it . And if he doesn 't want the world to know it , he better be pretty careful that nobody ever gets out of a convent after they 've spent a few years back there . Well on it goes . Then sometimes the priest come and they get angry at us because we refuse to sin with them voluntarily . And you know , after all , the nuns bodies are broken after we 're there awhile . And many , many the time , to have him strike you in the mouth is a terrible thing . I 've had my front teeth knocked out . I know what it 's all about . And then they get you down on the floor and then kick you in the stomach . Many of those precious little girls have babies under their heart , and it doesn 't bother a priest to kick you in the stomach with a baby under your heart . He doesn 't mind . The world thinks it 's a religious orders , and there are babies born in there . And most of the babies are premature . Many of them are abnormal . Very , very seldom do we ever see a normal baby . You say , " Sister Charlotte , do you dare to say that ? " I most definitely do dare to say it , and I intend to keep on saying it . Why ? I 've delivered those babies with these hands , and what I 've seen with my eyes and I 've done with my hands , I just challenge the whole world to say it isn 't true . And they 'll have to open them to vindicate my testimony , because I know what I 'll do if they ever serve a summons on me . I 've been before the highest laws we have in the United States . I know what I 'm doing . When that dear little nun is looking forward to that day when her precious baby will be born , most of you dear mothers , oh , you have everything ready . The beautiful nursery ! All the baby 's beautiful clothes are made . Everything is lovely ! You 're looking forward to that precious little immortal soul that 's going to be born into your home , and everything is ready . Oh I wish you could see that little nun . She 's not looking forward to that . There won 't ever be a blanket around his body . They 'll never bathe that baby 's body , but he can only live four or five hours . And then the mother superior will take that baby and put her fingers in its nostrils , cover its mouth and snuff its little life out . And why do they build these lime pits in the convent ? What is the reason for building them if it isn 't to kill the babies ? And that baby will be taken into the lime pit and chemical lime will be put over its body . And that 's the end of babies . Oh , when I think about it ! That 's why I try to challenge people . Pray ! If you know how to pray , if you know how to contact God , pray and ask God to deliver the girls behind convent doors . In other words , pray that God will make a way for every convent in the United States to be opened , and let the government go in . And when the government goes in , you won 't have to worry . The convents will be opened . The nuns will be taken out , and [ the convents ] will be closed up just as they opened the convents in old Mexico in 1934 . There are no convents in old Mexico . Every posturate ( ? ) is open and they found all of the corruption back there . The lime pit . If any of you are taking a vacation , go over into old Mexico . The government owns them . They 're public museums . Go through the convents . Look with your own eyes . Touch with your own hands , and then come home and see if you believe my testimony . It 'll still every bit of red blood in you veins . I mean it 'll do something to you that nothing else has ever been able to do . Go through them and look at them . Go into the dungeons . Go into the tunnels . Go through the lime pit and look at the skulls , rooms of skulls over there , and then ask the guide where they come from . And go and see all the devices of torture they placed upon the bodies of the little nuns . Go into their cells and look at their beds and see for yourself . Oh yes , you can go . It 'll cost you twenty - five cents to go through each one of them . I wonder how you would feel if this was your child . And remember , I have a mother and daddy , or had one , and they loved me just as much as you love your children . And when they let me go into the convent I 'm sure my mother and daddy didn 't expect these things to happen because they didn 't know . They never dreamed a convent was like this . It automatically opens , and , you know , there 's a deep hole underneath that floor and this little nun has done something . I can 't tell you what she 's done because I wasn 't there when she done it , but she 's done something , and to them it 's very serious . And when they bring her , they bring here to this particular place . Her little hands and feet are going to be bound securely . They 're going to drop her in that horrible , horrible pit , and then they 're going to put the boards back down . Oh , there 's plenty of chemical and lime down there . But you know , they don 't do that . Six little nuns have to walk around that [ open ] hole . We 'll chant as we walk around that hole . We don 't want any evil spirits to come out into the convent , so we sprinkle holy water over that hole . We may walk for six hours and then they 'll appoint six more nuns , and on and on it goes until we hear the last moan . And that 's the end of the little nun they placed down there . No , she 'll never be delivered from the convent , but does it bother you to know that that little nun will die and be lost ? Does that bother you ? It bothers me because I didn 't know Jesus I couldn 't tell her about God . I didn 't know him myself . But it bothers me very , very much , but God will not hold me accountable . Here we are , a body of those little nuns . On this particular morning , the mother superior might say this , " We 're all going to be lined up here . " And I don 't know what she 's lining me up for . And then , you know , there might be ten others , there might be 15 others , and then she 'll tell us all to strip and we have to take every stitch of our clothing off . We 're certainly not anything beautiful to look at . Ours eyes are back in our head . Our cheeks are fallen in . Our bodies are wasted . God only knows what we look like , because I never saw myself in 22 years . I didn 't know I had gray hair . I didn 't know I had lines in my face . I didn 't know how old I was - I only found that out about six years ago . You know nothing about what you look like . These are convents , cloistered convents , not open orders . The priest can do anything he wants to and hide behind the cloak of religion . Then that same Roman Catholic priest will go back into the Roman Catholic churches and there he 'll say mass , and there he 'll go into the confessional box and make those poor people believe he can give them absolution from their sins when he 's full of sin . Well , I lived there . Now all the time these things are going on , what do you think is happening inside of Charlotte ? God love your hearts ! I didn 't know people could hold so much hatred and bitterness . And it went on and on . I was filled with bitterness and hatred , and I mean it continued to build . I began in my heart to think , " When I can get the mother superior in a certain place , I 'll kill her . " Isn 't it awful to get murder in our hearts ? I didn 't go into the convent with a heart like that nor a mind like that , but I began to plan murder in the convent , how I could kill her , and how I could kill a Roman Catholic priest . And on and on it goes . And oh , I 'll tell you , every time she 'd inflict something awful on my body , that I 'd have to suffer so terribly , when I could think sensibly again , then I would begin to plan . how I could kill that woman . And on it goes . Well , after all you can 't help it . For instance , I wonder how you would feel . The mother superior , here she is , and she 's going to sit me down in a chair . And you know , that chair is straight - backed , hard - bottomed and I don 't have any hair . She 's going to take everything off my head . And you know she 's going to put my hands like this . Just a drop , and the drop will come about this fast . It 'll hit me right there on the back of my head , and you know , I can 't move either way . I sat there . One hour , two hours , three hours , four hours . What do you think 's going on ? I 'm sitting there . I can 't move . I do everything to get away from that drop of water in the same spot on my head . Why , God love your heart , if you could look in you 'd see us frothing at the mouth . You 'd see those little girls . They 're trying so hard to move to get away from that water , and they let us stay there sometimes ten hours . All day long . Many , many times a little nun cracks up completely . She goes stark raving mad under this particular penance . What in the world do they do with her ? I 'll tell you in a few minutes . Don 't you worry . They have a place for us after we go mad in the convent . They take care of us . They have places for the little nuns . There 's places built down there for us . Well , on it goes . Well , you know , these things went on and went on and went on . And it was terrible . But , you know , I began to plan and plan and plan . After she has done something like that to me it 's terrible . There are about three , sometimes they have four older nuns , and they always pick the one that 's hard . The one that seemingly is carnal . That one that has no conscience to be a mother superior , and she works under this one . One day if something happens to the main mother superior , another one will take her place . And on it goes . But , you know , this particular day they sent word to me . " The mother superior , " I was to come into her room , " she 's very sick . " And quicker than lightening I began to think , " If I got in that mother superior 's room ! I know what I 'll do . " You know , after all , I 'm a sinner . I 'm a nun , but I 'm a sinner , and I don 't know God , and I have a lot of hatred in my heart , and I walk in that room . They have called in an outside Roman Catholic doctor . She 's a very sick woman , and he has left all orders , and they have left the medicine and everything . Now I 'm supposed to take care of her , and that was wonderful . I do take care of her . All day long I did what they told me to do , what I 'm supposed to do . And those particular tablets . I knew what they were and what they would do , and I knew what she was taking them for . But anyway , all day long I gave her her medicine . I done everything I 'm supposed to . All evening long . Why ? I want to be sure what I 'm doing . When I do it , I have to be careful . And you know I waited until one o ' clock in the morning . Why ? Because every night those little nuns have to be gotten out of bed and chant from twelve to one . Seven minutes of twelve , until one . I thought I 'll wait until all the nuns go back to bed then I 'm going to do something . And , bless your hearts , after they were all back in their beds , I 'll tell you what I did . I took five or six of those tables . I was only supposed to take one in a half a glass of water every so often and give it to her . But , because of the type they were and what type of tablet it was , I knew what it would do . I put six of them in a glass of water and stirred them up , and I gave them to her . I knew she would go into convulsions . It would twist her completely out of shape . I knew that woman would suffer a million deaths in 25 minutes . I knew that , and I thought , " I 'm going to watch her suffer because she has punished us . She has hurt us so many thousands of times . I 'll watch her suffer . " Isn 't it terrible to think a child can live in a place like that long enough until she has the same kind of a heart almost the mother superior has . But that 's what comes when sin gets into you life . And so I waited . You know , I gave them to her , and something happened to me . I got scared , and I began to look at that woman as she began to change color , and I couldn 't find her pulse . I couldn 't find her respiration . I was frightened , and I thought , " Oh ! What shall I do ? If they find her dead , only God knows what they 'll do to me . " I 'll tell you what I did . I got that stomach pump and pumped as quick as I could . I pumped that woman 's stomach . I massaged that woman . I done everything there was to do , and oh , thank God , she didn 't die . And I thought of another thing . I 'll do this then ! I saw where her keys were hid right there in her shelf in her own room . So they 're on a big chain , or a big ring , and I thought , " I 'm going to take those keys . I 'm going down into that dungeon . When I say down this is two stories under the ground . What in the world is over there , and why did she tell us that ? We can 't get through it . It 's locked ! But , you know , I wondered what was back there because when they had me in the dungeon a long time once , I heard screams under the ground . And when I got back there , it took a while to do it , I want you to know , to find the key , but oh , it unlocked that door ! I walked through that door , and I walked into a hall . The hall , I would say , is maybe five feet wide , maybe wider than that . That 's just a guess . Anyway , on the other side of the hall there were a number of cells over there . Small rooms , and they had real heavy doors , and in those cells were little nuns . And when I went up to the first one , near the top of the door there 's a little place about this long , about that wide , and it has iron bars going across there . And I looked right into the face of a little nun that I knew , one that I had sat across the table from , one that I had prayed with in the chapel . I knew that girl , and here she is . They had chains and a lock chained around either of her wrists and around her waistline ! I said , " When did you have something to eat last ? " I went down to the second , the third , the fourth , the fifth , and the stench was getting so bad I couldn 't stand it . And you know , those little girls would not talk . Why ? I lived in the convent , you know , a long time . I don 't care if I was two miles under the convent , way back there we were working back there and we 'd whisper . And those nuns have been there long enough . What have they done ? I don 't know , but those nuns are supposed to have cracked up mentally and so they have to put them in those chains . And when they die , they can 't fall down to the floor . They just drop in those chains and slump . When they go in there , they don 't give them any more food , no more water . That 's a slow death . And so , as I saw all of that I became so sick from the terrible stench , because many of them are already dead . I don 't know how long they 've been dead . I came out of there and walked back up to this room where the mother superior was , and she was lying there sleeping . And I watched her there carefully , and she slept until the next day , long , long hours and didn 't waken . And when she did , she said , " I 've had a long sleep . " And I said , " Yes . " They let me take care of her for three days , and you know , the third day - I don 't know . You say , " Did she ever find out you was down there ? " Well not yet . I hope she didn 't while I was there . But anyway , after three days they put me out in the kitchen . In other words , when we go to the kitchen , six of us go for a six weeks period . And this particular time they put me out in the kitchen with five other little nuns . What am I there for ? I 'm doing the kitchen work . I 'm going to do all of the cooking that 's done out there and take care of the work in the kitchen . Then there 's a landing right there . Over there is a big heavy outside door , but here there is a landing . Our garbage cans sit there , and right here is a stairway , a cement one , leading down one story under the ground . Now , I 'm up on the first floor in this kitchen . Alright , now as I 'm in there and we 're in there working something happened . Somebody touched the garbage can . You know , all my convent life we are taught never to break silence . We don 't dare to make noises in the convent . We are punished for them . And when something touched the garbage can that 's a noise . Who in the world ? There 's six of us and we 're all together . Who is touching the garbage can ? I wheeled around . They wheeled around , and we saw a man , and you know , that man was picking up the full can and leaving an empty one . I believe God had his hand on me . With all my heart I believe it . And you say , " What happened ? " Well , we turned around quickly because to us it 's a mortal sin to look upon a man other than a Roman Catholic priest . And that 's what I did . It took quite a while to do it , but oh , I watched that garbage can ! Every time I could take the garbage down there I did it . And you know , when it was just about full , and I thought , " The next evening , it 'll be full when we put all the garbage in it . " And when our dinner work is over , our supper dishes , everybody has to go out at the same time and we march by the mother superior . And , you know , when I marched by , I stopped and said , " May I speak to you ? " And I did , and I said , " Mother Superior I broke my crucifix and I left it in the kitchen . May I go for it ? " ( And of course no nun goes without her crucifix ) . And she said , " How did you break it ? " I lied to her . Everything she asked me , I lied to her . You say , " Why did you lie ? " She lies to us , and we 're all sinners , so we all lie , and it doesn 't make any difference in there . And so we lied , and I lied to her , and then finally she said , " You go get the crucifix and come right back . " And that 's all I wanted anyway . I have to have a reason . You can 't go back to the kitchen after you 've left it . So I didn 't go for the crucifix , but she thought I did , and I run for this tin can . Why ? Won 't you do something to help the little nuns out ? " I told him about those 19 cells down there and those 19 nuns in them . I told him about some of the babies that had been killed . I told him some other little nuns that are locked up in the dungeon and they 're bound with chains . I told him a - plenty , and I said , " Won 't you help us ? If you will , please leave a note under the empty can . " That 's what I went back for . And when I lifted up the can and found a note , you don 't know how I felt . I froze to the floor . I was so scared I didn 't know what to do . I picked that piece of paper up and I read , and this is what that man said , " I 'm leaving that door unlocked and I 'll leave the big iron gate unlocked . You come out . " Oh , let me tell you . That 's almost more than you 'd ever - I never dreamed I 'd get out of a convent . I never thought of ever getting out . I wanted out , but you say oh yes , when I could collect myself I reached over and turned the knob , and do you know , it opened ! I walked out of that convent and I slammed it through . I was sure the lock was on it , and I got out to the big iron gate but , oh , he had me trapped . That iron gate was just as locked as it was ever locked ! You don 't know what it done to me to stand looking at the iron gate . I 'm locked out of the convent . I have no right out there . You can 't imagine . I don 't know if I groaned ( ? ) right there . I don 't know . I know I 've suffered enough because I 'm scared half to death . And what will I do if I go back there and pound on that door ? What will they do with me ? And , oh , the fear that grips your heart . And you say , " What did you do ? " I didn 't have any shoes and stockings on . I had worn those out years ago . When I think of the Roman Catholic Church being the richest church in the world and they let those little nuns go winter and summer without any shoes and without any hose , living in crucial poverty , I wonder how they can do it ! Hungry as we are , their priests are all nice and fat . The little nuns are so hungry , I wonder how they do it sometimes . You say , " What did you do , Charlotte ? " Well , I 'll tell you , I just took a hold of that big iron gate , and I tried to climb it . That 's all there was for me to do . And up about a foot and a half from the top there 's a ledge about six inches wide . I thought if I could get high enough to get my knee on the ledge I 'm safe . And I did . I got one knee on the ledge , but by this time I don 't have any strength left either . And you know , I thought , " What 'll I do ? I 'll put one foot over , then I 'll get the other over . " Then I realized I have three skirts on . My skirts are gathered on a belt and they 're clear down to my ankles . My veil , of course is down to my knees in front and that long in the back . How will I ever get over those sharp points ? And I thought , " I can 't go down , I don 't have strength enough , so I 'll have to jump . " And if I jump I 'll break every bone because I was a broken body , of course . And so I thought , " What 'll I do ? " Well I pulled all of my clothing up around my body and held them with one hand , and then I thought , " I 'll have to jump . " You 'll find a good many of them there , and they immediately are after that nun . They don 't want her out . If she comes out of that convent , she 's going to give a testimony some day , and it 'll pull the cloak off of convents . And I 'll assure you they don 't intend for us to get out . And so , as I let loose of that top of that gate and I made that jump , I just didn 't make it . My clothing caught on top of those points and I hung there , but I let loose . And I often say I don 't know what I looked like . I didn 't know I had gray hair , but I 've often said , " Maybe my hair turned gray there . " Maybe you 'll never know what I suffered hanging there on top of that gate , knowing that buzzer could go on any minute and then what would they do to me ? I was scared . So I thought I 'd try to wiggle my body and to force swing it if I can get back far enough to grab the gate with one hand maybe I can help myself . And I did . And then with the other hand I tried to pry the snappers loose on my skirt , and that let me fall between them . Do you know what happened to me ? I hit the ground . I was out . I was unconscious for a while . I don 't know how long though , we have no way to tell . And I thought , " What 'll I do ? " And I realized I 'm on the outside . " Where am I going ? " Where do you think you 'd go ? I 'm not in the United States . I 'm in another country and I don 't know a thing about that country . When they took me over there I was so heavily veiled and they took me from that particular train to the convent , I was so heavily veiled I couldn 't see anything . And I don 't know where I am . I don 't know where to go . I don 't know if I have any people . I don 't know if I know anybody in the world . And I 'm a pauper . I don 't have any money , and I 'm hungry , and my body 's broken , and I 'm hurt now . Where do you think you 'd go ? I tell you . It 's something to think about . I just started away . But get away from the convent ! And I did . I started moving away . And , you know , I saw this little building beside the road . I thought , " I 'll crawl in it . " It was a doghouse or maybe a chicken coop or something . But it 's dirty and I crawled in there because I was shaking and scared . And I lay in there a little while to get a hold of myself , and I thought , " I 'll have to travel , it 's dark . It 's safer for me . " So I got out and I traveled that night and the next day . I hid behind pieces of board and tin that was piled up against an old building . And all day long , imagine , hiding in that hot place ! And then , you know , when night came again I have to go because I 'm going to get away from the convent . I 'm afraid to rap on somebody 's door . Remember , I 'm scared . I don 't know , I might rap on a Roman Catholic 's door . They 'll immediately notify the priests and I 'll be taken back to the convent . And I 'd rather they kill me than take me back . And so I didn 't [ knock ] , but I went on and on and on . And then the next night I hid out in an old stroft ( ? ) bag . And then , that afternoon on the third day , I was scared then because this arm was swollen as tight as it could swell and I was having to carry it in the other hand . And I realized I 'm going to die just like a rat beside the road . That 's a terrible feeling , and I thought , " What 'll I do ? I 'll just get out and go [ die ] a little sooner . I 'll just have to rap on somebody 's door . " And that 's what I did . I remember as I walked ( I don 't know how far ) I saw this lamp . It was an old fashioned lamp , burning . Very poor house , no paint on it , and I knew those were poor people . So I walked up to the screen door and I rapped on it , and a tall man came to the door . He was rather old . And I said , " Please , may I have a drink of water . " And you know , that old man didn 't answer me , but he walked back in the house , and he called his wife . And , God bless her heart , she 's like most old - fashioned mothers . She came to the door , and she didn 't say , " Who are you and what do you want ? " Do you know that 's the most beautiful music I ever heard in my life ? I should say I 'll come in and sit down ! And she pulled out a chair , and I sat down on it . I 'm glad to sit down . And you know , she 's poor . There 're no rugs on the floor of any type , red - checkered tablecloth on the table , a little old stove over there in the corner , and there was a fire in it . And that woman put some milk in a pan and heated it and brought it over to me . And , you know , I 'm hungry . I don 't have any manners . I forgot how to act . I forgot a lot of things in 22 years . And I grabbed that glass of milk before she ever sat it down , and I gobbled it down . I 'm so hungry , I felt like I 'm , going stark mad . And I took it instantly , and the moment it touched my stomach , of course I couldn 't retain it . I lost it . I haven 't had any whole milk in 22 years . You could understand why I couldn 't take it . And she knew what to do . She went out into the kitchen and she heated some water , or rather over to the stove and heated some water . And bless her heart , she put some sugar in that water , and she brought it over to me , and she sat down and gave it to me from a spoon . I took every bit of it . Oh , it was good ! It was nourishing . I said , " I 've run away from the convent and I 'm not going back . " And he said , " What happened to you ? " And my hand was laying upon the table . And I said , " Well , I tried to get over the gate and I fell , and I 'm hurt . " And , you know , he said , " We 'll have to call a doctor . " And bless your sweet life , then I really became hysterical . I got up from the table , I was going to run back outside , and they wouldn 't let me . He said , " Wait a minute . We 're not going to hurt you . You 're hurt . You have to have help . " I said , " I don 't have any money , and I don 't have any people , and I can 't pay a doctor bill . " I was just in a terrible mess if you want to know it . And that man said to me , " I 'm going after a doctor . " He said , " And he 's not a Roman Catholic , and neither am I . " And that dear man didn 't have a car , but he hitched up a horse and buggy and he drove nine miles to get a doctor . The doctor came out in his car , and when he got to the place , he got there ahead of the man . When he stopped and looked at me , of course he was mad . He was mad . Why was he mad ? He was mad because he was looking at something that was supposed to be a human being , and I didn 't even look like a human being I was in such a horrible condition . I said , " I don 't want to go . Please don 't make me go ! " Then he sat down carefully and took my hand and he began to say , " I 'm not going to hurt you . You have to have help , and I want to help you . " That doctor took me into the hospital that night and that 's where I learned how much I weighed . He weighed me and I weighed exactly 89 pounds [ 40 . 5 kg ] . I weigh 178 [ 81 kg ] right now . And they , you know , they took me into surgery , and of course they tried to get the swelling and the inflammation out of my hand and arm [ so ] that they might do something for me . It took about 12 or 13 days . By this time it started to knit and they had to break it all over again and put it in a cast . I did a lot of suffering . Well , you know , one day a way was made for me to be released from the hospital . Who did they release me to ? I begged to go out to those old people to stay with them , and they let me go , because they had been good to me and I trusted them . And the doctor wanted to take me out to his home . I was in that hospital three and a half months . And they took me out there [ to the old folks ] and I stayed for a period of time . And then one day this same doctor , he wrote a letter and , do you know what he sent in that letter ? He sent a check . Here , he spent a lot of money on me . I was in that hospital three and a half months , and I mean there was a lot of money spent on me , but he paid the bills . How I appreciate it ! And he put me on a train in care of somebody , of course . He had found my people for me . I was on busses and trains and boats for a long time , and one day , after he had gotten my visa for me to get back into the United States , and I was always in the charge of somebody because they didn 't trust me to travel alone because of having to live under the ground so long . Seven and a half years she 's laid there , an invalid . A horrible , horrible invalid . And of course she didn 't know me and I didn 't know her . This woman was a Church of God minister . She came in , and I thought , " How strange ! " Just across the Mississippi River is two magnificent Protestant hospitals , and she lives in one of those cities . Right there , three cities joined together . And why in the world did she come over here to this Roman Catholic hospital ? Why ? I believe God had his hand on it all the time . You know that woman came in and the doctor said , " I want you to [ indistinguishable ] her case , " and I went in to prepare that woman for the operating table , and I heard her pray , and I want you to know , I became that woman 's private nurse . Her special nurse . After she left the hospital she went home , and I became her special nurse in the home , and that woman asked if I wouldn 't go to church with her . And you know I lived in her home long enough to hear her pray . I lived in that home long enough to read the Bible to her because I 'm her nurse and I did what she told me to . And you know , I 'll tell you , I went through four nights , and it was really beautiful . I 've never heard anything like this . And all the time she was telling me about the plan of salvation , telling me about God , and that I needed God , and I needed to be saved . And , of course , I was believing her . Do you know what I 'd do every night ? I go from church with that woman , and I 'd say , " You go to bed , but let me go to the basement . " I 'd lay my Bible down on the chair , and there I 'd challenge God , and I 'd say , " God , did you hear what the preacher said ? Did you hear it , God ? " And then I would tell God everything I could remember that the preacher said . I said , " God , you heard every word , didn 't you ? Now , if you are God and the Bible is the word of God , God you 're real ! I want what those people have . But , if you 're not God , and the word of God is not your word , then God , please don 't give to me what those people have . " Let me tell you , I challenged God . I put him to a test . God 's not going to give you anything that 's not of God . Don 't you worry . And every night I continued to do that , four or five nights . And I didn 't eat either . I couldn 't sleep and I had lost my appetite and I was loosing a lot of weight . And I fell in at that altar and I cried out , " My God , forgive me for all my sins ! " I was a sinner . I mean God met me there . Praise his wonderful name . There was a pool of water on that floor . I was sorry for every thing that I had did in that convent . I stole potato peelings . I stole bread . I told lies . I called the mother superior names under my breath . And I want you to know , God met me down there and he forgave me of every sin that there was in my life . And how I thank and praise him for it ! Praise his wonderful name . God has been very good to me . Very good to me . A few nights previous [ subsequent ( ? ) ] to that , I went back to church . God healed me with the baptism of the Holy Ghost . May I say to you , God means more to me than all the material wealth you have in this city . I 'd rather have Jesus than anything you might have , because I 've found him to be the best friend I 've ever known . I can tell him anything I want to tell him , and he won 't call you up and tell you what I 've told him . I can sit at his feet and tell him every day of my life , " Jesus , I love you . Jesus , I love you . " And every secret of my heart , I can pour out to him . And I don 't worry about him calling you up and telling you what I told him . He 's the best friend you ever had . He 's able to save you . He 's able to deliver you . He 's able to loose you from the things of this world and set you free to know him . Praise his name . I have a wonderful God . I love him supremely . I 'd rather have Jesus than anything that you might have . God is real in my life . Really wonderful , how God delivered me out of the convent . Pray for me . I need much prayer . I 'll be going places where it 's predominantly Roman Catholic . I 'll have to suffer much , but I 'm willing to suffer for Jesus that I might tell someone about him and give my testimonies that other little girls might be spared from convents . So pray for me , won 't you ? So , who runs the world ? It 's a question that people have struggled with since people began to struggle . It 's certainly a question with many . . . Do you have a chronic degenerative disease ? If so , have you been told , " It 's all in your head ? " Well , that might not be that far from the tr . . .

I don 't think I was very old when Grandpa and Grandma moved to town , but I do have memories of when they were on the farm . On the farm , Grandma had her chickens , and she loved her chickens . She had one that would follow her around , and me , too , but I was afraid of that chicken following me . Grandma would always tell me that that chicken wasn 't going to hurt me , but I was still reluctant about being friends with a chicken . They had a collie dog . His name was Spook . I don 't remember what happened to the dog , but I remember that he was a beautiful dog . Grandma had a garden . I can 't remember a lot about the garden , but I do remember how she loved the long line of purple lilac bushes that were in the yard . The garden was just north of the lilac bushes . Even after they left the farm and we lived there , I always connected lilacs with my Grandma . And the wild roses and tiger lilies that grew beside the house in the back yard . They were always Grandma 's flowers to me . I remember the old crank phone that was in the living room . And the one thing I distinctly remember is watching Grandma when she talked on the phone , not just the crank phone , but later , when she had the phone desk in the hall in Colby . Whenever Grandma would talk on the phone , her face was filled with expression . . . . happiness , disappointment , sadness . . . . whatever response was appropriate for the conversation . I remember her nodding her head in agreement as she spoke to whomever was on the other end . And she always called the operator Central . I don 't ever remember Grandma wearing anything but a dress on the farm , and she always had on an apron . She had some beautiful aprons , and she also had beautiful hankies . Any time she went somewhere , she always carried one of her hankies with her . She always dressed up if she left the house to go somewhere . She had lots of pretty necklaces and pins that she wore . She loved Evening in Paris perfume and had cin cin 's sitting on her dresser to freshen her breath . When the weather would come on the radio , we sPosted by ( I wrote this 8 years ago and found it on my old computer . Thought it was worth sharing . ) Three little girls with sparkling blue eyes , and smiles spread wide across their faces , their reddish - blonde hair glistening in the light of the freshly decorated Christmas tree . They each don new nightgowns , two dark blue with teddy bear prints , and the other a light blue with clouds floating throughout the pattern . Beautiful red garland is woven not so neatly around the tree . Decorations on the tree cluster in certain areas , leaving other areas not quite filled . The twinkle lights sparkle , and the illuminated star sitting at the top of the tree reminds us of what Christmas is really all about . To the left of the tree , sitting on the counter , is a jolly ol ' Santa Claus watching over the little girls . Three , four and six ; that 's the age of the little angels standing in front of the tree . At least they look like angels for the moment . But I can still detect a gleam of orneriness shining from their eyes . At least they aren 't fighting for the moment . I love my three granddaughters , and seeing their picture , I can 't help but reflect back to when I was a child . Our Christmas trees were much like this one . The kids always played a big part in decorating the tree each year . At my grandmother 's house , we would string cranberries and popcorn , carefully putting several pieces of popcorn on the string , then a cranberry . Cranberries cost more than popcorn . We also made paper chains . Sometimes we used green , white and red paper , sometimes we colored our own paper , but the time we shared together while making the decorations became a memory I cherish . At home , my brother , sister and I also decorated the tree together with the help of Mom and Dad . And the last two things that went into the decorating were the star or angel that sit at the top . . . . my dad usually put this piece on . . . and the wooden manger scene that sat below the tree with one light shining from the back to illuminate the baby Jesus in the cradle . I remember well my moPosted by ( Written 9 years ago . ) Of all the gifts I have received in my 51 years of celebrating Christmas , one gift always comes to mind when I try to think of my favorite . At the time the gift was given , it didn 't seem like much , but now it is the gift my mind constantly returns to . I 'm not even sure it was my gift . It could have been my brother John 's or my sister Jackie 's , or it could have been a gift given to all of us . The gift given to all is what I choose to remember . The gift was a Monopoly game . I remember staying up into the wee hours of the morning playing with Jackie and John . I 'm sure we fought , laughed , screamed and probably accused each other of cheating that evening . But it was the evening of the first of many Monopoly games we would play . Now that I look back , I realize that it wasn 't the game at all that was the gift . It was the fact that we were together , that we shared good times with each other . From comments on Faith blog : Sounds to me as if Grandma Smarty dodged the question . Were you questioning the concept of God when you asked the question ? Or were you expressing a genuine curiosity about something that mystified you ? Would an answer such as " God is eternal . God has always been and will always be " have come closer to answering the question for you then or now ? I think I was questioning the concept of God , the possibility or impossibility of God , the science of religion and the Mystery . I don 't remember why I asked the question , but I imagine that I was doubting the existence of a god . Grandma 's answer was quite sufficient at the time because of the doubt I was probably feeling . The answer that God is eternal and has always been and will always be just wouldn 't have satisfied the question of whether God is real or not . In this world , everything comes from somewhere , so where did God come from ? Just where is the beginning , and how did it start ? Even science can 't answer this question for me with the Big Bang Theory because each element involved in the Big Bang Theory had to come from somewhere . I believe that Grandma was right . There are some things you just have to have faith in . Without that faith , you can 't possibly believe . What do all of you readers think ? Once upon a time , when I was a little girl , I asked Grandma Smarty , " If God created the world , where did God come from ? " Her reply to me was , " Everyone is a doubting Thomas at times . You just have to have faith . " Mary at http : / / travelinghammer . blogspot . com / took a picture of my grandparents old house on the farm . I loved reading what she had to say , but I also had some memories of my own . Grandma had a garden out behind the windmill . How much water came from the hose depended on just how much wind was blowing to pump the water to the surface . She trenched along the side of the plants and let the water run from one end to the other . I don 't remember sprinklers in the garden , but maybe she used them . Dinah and I used to unhook the handle and lift it so that the windmill would run . When the water finally come to the surface , it was so cold and sweet that there was nothing better in the world to drink . Now we have so many additives to the water that it doesn 't taste near as good as that fresh water from the windmill . There was a cistern at the front of the house . When the wind blew , Grandma would run the hose to a pipe in the cistern so that it would fill with water . If the cistern wasn 't kept full , there was always the chance that we wouldn 't have wind and the water might become a bit scarce . I don 't remember that ever happening . I also thought about the water spilling from the top of the windmill , and we kids would play under it as kids today play in a sprinkler . I 'm not sure , but I think that this happened when the wind was blowing hard enough that the hose couldn 't handle the volume , so it spilled out at the top of the windmill . Is that right , Dinah ? In the little building beside the windmill , there was an old sink pump that had originally belonged in the house . We could laboriously pump water into the sink and pretend we lived in the " old days " . There was also a wood burning stove in the building , and occasionally , we were allowed to build a fire . We had so much fun at this old house . I treasure the memories . I was fortunate enough to win two tickets to the Antiques Roadshow in Denver , Colorado on Saturday , July 25th . It was held at the Colorado Convention Center . I took my sister Jackie with me , and we were allowed two items with each ticket . We had a difficult time deciding what we should take , and maybe we didn 't make the best choices , but we certainly did have a good time . We had an entry time of 9 a . m . and were asked not to arrive more than 15 minutes early . We arrived at the Convention Center a little before 9 and were directed to the area where the Roadshow was . Upon our arrival , our tickets were checked , and we were sent on to another person who also checked our tickets and placed us in a long line . The room was huge , and the line snaked around to go the length of the room 8 or 9 times . Now we played the waiting game . At first the line advanced slowly . It was interesting to look around to see what everyone was bringing to the show and visit with a few of the people . Once the line started to move , we moved forward fairly fast until we came to a table where they checked our items and our tickets again and gave us another ticket to guide us to the area we needed to go for our appraisals . A guide was again with us and took us to the prints and poster area because we each had an item that fit that description . Jackie went first with her World War I cartoon that Darrell had picked up in Texas out of a trash bin . After hearing her story of how she obtained it , they told us about the item and said it was worth about $ 100 . Next , I placed my item on the table for the appraiser to look at . I had a picture that my parents had bought for $ 50 . It is of an angel in a forest with little animals that you could see pop out at you as you moved . The appraisal on this religious picture was $ 75 to $ 100 , if presented to the right group of people . At this point , Jackie took her son 's machete that had Spanish writing on it to the weapons area . She discovered that the machete was made for tourist trade and was worth $ 25 to $ 35 . While JacPosted by We love our flowers . Columbine is one of my favorites , but I can 't leave out the Bergamot , better known as Bee 's Balm . It 's the strange looking flower in the third picture . I love the smell . This is Yarrow . It spreads like wild fire , so you have to work hard to contain it in a specific area . Both Yarrow and Bee 's Balm are herbs that have been used for medical purposes . Hollyhocks are not my favorite flower and almost impossible to get rid of . They are pretty in bloom , but the bottom flowers die , leaving an ugly stalk up to the top where there are still flowers in bloom . There were Hollyhocks all over the place at one time , and they 're still coming up unexpectedly . The lilies are beautiful . WE have many others that haven 't bloomed yet . Maybe there will be more pictures to come . Here are some pictures of my husbands garden . This is Al , working around the Castor Bean Plants . They 'll grow around 8 foot tall before summer is over . The Castor Beans themselves are very poisonous . They 're actually used to make Castor Oil . These are the vine plants : cucumbers , watermelon , cantaloupe and maybe a squash or two that came up volunteer . They 're just getting a good start at growing . Green Beans , lettuce and we did have spinach here , but the spinach is gone now . We have lots of tomato plants . We 've already had 3 tomatoes from the garden , small , but good . I do a lot of canning , some freezing , eat lots of fresh veggies and sell extra to customers around town . It 's hard work , but very rewarding . Before I read The Pact , I read Keeping Faith by Jodi Picoult . This book was quite different from the second one I read . It didn 't bring me down like The Pact did . Interestingly , it 's the second book I 've read that suggests that God could be a woman , or at least God is as each individual sees him / her . Mariah ( Jewish ) and Colin ( Episcopalian ) are married with a young daughter Faith . Because of the differences in their religions , they don 't practice either religion and have not taught Faith any religion . When Colin cheats on his wife , the couple divorce . Faith begins to speak to God and claims that God is a woman . As the story progresses , Faith receives the gift of healing . People begin to gather around her home to see if she will heal them . The father believes this is something the Mariah is promoting and decides to seek custody of Faith . Mariah talks with Rabbi 's and Priests about Faith . Some are believers , some are not . Some accept the possibility that God is female , some don 't . Also in the picture is a man who is Atheist , yet by the end of the story , he even questions his own beliefs . I enjoyed this book because it looked at different beliefs and really gives you something to think about . I read this terribly disturbing book this week . According to the author , it is used in schools for reading material . It 's about teenage suicide . Rather than a Romeo and Juliet type story , this one is about two families who were very close and always expected their children to marry . Eventually , they did start to date . They were so much a part of each other , people never questioned that they would one day get married . The girl , partly from an earlier molestation that no one knew about , and partly because of the high expectations people had of her , decided she wanted to die . The boy was entangled in the whole affair and eventually was put on trial for first degree murder . Throughout the entire novel , I wondered if he had done it or not . You 'll have to read it to find out what happened . When I read this story , I was a bit depressed , and the story really took me down for a while . It describes kids as they really are and shows different ways that people deal with a tragic situation . It was good reading , but I would suggest that you don 't pick it up when you 're in a blue mood . Today wasn 't the greatest day I have ever had . I was upset , achy and just didn 't want to do anything . Guess you might say I was depressed . Al knew how upset I was , and when he came in from the garden this evening , he brought me roses . Here is a picture of the roses he brought me from the garden , planted because he knows how much I love roses . Thank you , Al , for making a gloomy day a little brighter . We 're never too old to try something new , and I decided to try something that is really quite old , but new to me . I made Mulberry Pies . Al took an old sheet out by the mulberry tree and laid it out on the ground . Then he shook the branches of the tree and in no time at all , he had a gallon of mulberries . What to do with mulberries . . . . I googled mulberry pie and came up with several recipes . I took one of the recipes and added a suggestion someone had posted : Add Chinese 5 - spice to the mulberries . I happened to have some and decided to give it a try . 4 cups mulberries 3 / 4 to 1 cup sugar 3 TBSP tapioca or flour ( I added a bit more because someone said the pie still came out runny ) 1 tsp . 5 - spice ( Cinnamon , ginger , allspice , cloves and nutmeg ) I wasn 't crazy about this recipe . It was a bit too spicy for me . My neighbor had a piece and thought it was heaven . I think it had too much ginger in it , so I decided to make a second one to take to the Father 's Day BBQ we had at my sisters . This time I didn 't use the 5 - spice , but just added a teaspoon of cinnamon and a dash of nutmeg . When my dad arrived at the BBQ , he asked me if I had made it with sugar ( he 's diabetic ) , and I had to tell him yes . He was so disappointed . I asked him if he had ever had mulberry pie , and he said that yes , his mother used to make them . He told me how when he was a little boy , he would take a sheet out and put it under the tree , shake the branches and take the mulberries to his mother . She would then either make a sauce they had for dessert , or she would make a mulberry pie . He was so anxious to taste one once again . I didn 't taste the second pie . One of my nieces ate a piece , then hinted that she would like to take some home , if there was any left . I told her she could , and she took the remaining pie home except for one piece that I left for my sister . It must have been good or she wouldn 't have taken it with her . Now I need to get some more mulberries so I can make a pie for my dad using Splenda . Al said they 're about done , so if I don 't get to it Posted by I 'm not sure my comment section is working . I 've checked my settings and they 're okay , so I don 't know what the problem is . If anyone has any idea how I might solve the problem , let me know . Most of you followers have my e - mail . Okay , I have neglected my blog . It 's a busy time of the year for me , I guess . The garden is beautiful this year . Al brought in the first head of broccoli today , and it is wonderful ! Just perfect ! I 'm going to use it in a salad on Father 's Day with lettuce , spinach , onions and radishes from the garden . I have strawberries galore . I 've frozen then , made jam , rhubarb / strawberry jam , rhubarb pie , milk shakes and had some on ice cream . They 're still coming strong so there 's plenty of work ahead of me there . They 're my mom 's favorite fruit , so I 'll take them to the Father 's Day BBQ we 're having at my sister Jackie 's . The first crop of beets are close to being done so I 'll soon be making some pickled beets . I just couldn 't make enough last year because of people who were wanting to buy them . I 'm sad because we won 't have any peaches this year . We 've had them two years in a row , but they didn 't make it past the frost in early spring . The cherry tree is producing for the first time , but it 's a little tree . I 'll be stingy with them . Keep them for us . The Mulberry trees are loaded . I 've never done anything with them before , but I found a recipe for a mulberry pie that I think I 'll try this year . If it 's good , I 'll put some in the freezer . I think all the rain we have gotten has done the garden good and has also kept the water bill from rising so high . I can 't complain at all about the rain . Last night we did get some pea size hail , not very much . It didn 't harm the garden or trees . I 've also been putting more time in at work . I go to the local restaurant and help them out on Friday 's , but business has been picking up so I 've put in more time there . I enjoy doing it because I get to know the people in this area a little better . I just got home form work and think it 's time to take a little nap before I start on the strawberries again . Happy gardening all you gardeners out there ! It 's been almost two weeks since I 've blogged , and a busy two weeks it has been . Each year over Memorial Week - end , my husband barbecues for his family . I just can 't seem to accept his idea of " clean house after they leave , not before they come " . So , I did my spring cleaning only to see rain on Saturday , mud on Sunday and rain , rain , rain on Monday . We 've had over 4 inches of rain since this all began and now the house is dirtier than ever . There were around 85 people for the BBQ on Sunday . Most of them were here just for the day , but we had Al 's daughter for two days , one of his granddaughters for two days and his son and two other granddaughters are still here with us . On this Memorial Day and all Memorial Day 's , I think of those who have lost their lives fighting for our country . But I don 't think of just those who have died , I also think of those who have lost a part of their lives because of the fighting . Those men and women who have been wounded in war physically and emotionally , who are trying to piece together their lives after experiencing the horrors of war . I thank all military men and women for their service to our country including my husband who spent 20 years in the Air Force , some of that time in Vietnam , and my brother John who also served in Vietnam in the Army . Above all , I pray for peace . Also on my mind are friends and family who are no longer with us . I miss them often , but on Memorial Day , I particularly think of them and the influence they have had on my life . Tomorrow , Saturday , May 16 , I go to LaCrosse , Kansas for my second grandchild 's graduation . I missed her 8th grade promotion because I went on a trip , but I promised her that nothing short of dying would keep me away from her high school graduation . Alexis was a pretty little girl with reddish brown hair that matched her eyes perfectly . She was a quiet girl who adored her older brother Zeb . And to this day , Zeb still tries to " take care " of her . One day , I got a phone call from my daughter . Alexis had been run over . I immediately headed for the hospital My heart felt as if it would race away , leaving me behind . When I got to the hospital , I could see that she was fine , but they wanted to send her to Denver just to make for sure all was okay . I hugged her and held her in my arms there in the hospital room , then went home to wait . Wait to hear that everything was okay . And now she 's graduating from high school and enrolled at Wichita State University in the nursing program . Alexis ran over herself . She was in the car and somehow shoved the gear into neutral and the car started to roll . Thinking that she could stop it like she would her bicycle , she opened the door and stuck her foot outside . It pulled her out of the car and under the tire that rolled right over her abdomen . There was a man who saw this happen . The car was about to roll over her again when he pulled her to safety . This man had to be a channel to her guardian angel . Alexis loved to dress up and had a pair of pink slippers that she loved . She wore those slippers until they were falling apart . Julie would throw them away and Alexis would go to the trash and dig them out . Finally , Julie gave them to me and asked me to get rid of them . I didn 't get rid of them . I took them home , put them in the closet and have those pink slippers to this day . All the other grandkids have tried them on , but Alexis is the first person I think of when I see them . I helped Alexis decorate her bedroom one time . Purple , purple everywhere . We painted two shades of purple and also sPosted by I can hardly believe that it 's been over two weeks since I 've posted . Where does time go ? On Mother 's Day this year , Al and I went to see my mother . His mother passed away the year after we got married . Dad had started dinner , turkey breast , potatoes and dressing , and when I got there , I took over to finish up . We had a wonderful salad , the turkey and all the fixings . For dessert , Jackie and Darrell came over . I had made a carrot cake with a cream cheese frosting , a sugar - free pumpkin pie and low sugar apple and peach pies . Mom constantly told me to leave some of the desserts , especially the cake , because she just doesn 't get many sweets . Dad just grinned and made comments about her little stashes around the house . What a pleasant surprise when Mom and Dad 's neighbors from years ago showed up with their son . Gene and Helen lived 1 / 4 mile or so down the road from my first home . They had two sons , Mickey and Jay , and a daughter Caroline who died at a very young age . Other than aging , Gene and Helen seemed like the same people I loved when I was a child . Now Jay , the son who brought them , was the youngest of the boys and I hadn 't seen him in years . It took me a minute , and a glance at Gene , before I realized just who he was when he came to the door . We had a nice visit . I 'm happy that we changed our minds about having Mom and Dad come here because if we had done it that way , we would have missed seeing old friends . I 've been thinking about how much things have changed since I was just a kid . Anymore , kids have to be buckled up when they ride in a vehicle , as well as the adults . There 's nothing wrong with that , don 't get me wrong , but I can remember as a kid jumping into the back of the pick - up and heading down the road . It was fun to ride in the back . Don 't get me wrong . I know why it is that the laws are becoming more strict , to save lives . One time Jackie , Dinah and I were riding in the back of Grandpa John 's pick - up heading down the road toward his house . We always had fun trying to fool him into thinking someone had fallen out . Well , on this particular day , Jackie stood up at the back of the pick - up by the tailgate . She tumbled over the tail - gate ( she was facing front ) and hit the ground pretty hard . Dinah and I both hollered at Grandpa to tell him that she had fallen out . Talk about the old story about crying wolf , that 's exactly what happened . Grandpa ignored us . When we got down the road quite a ways , he saw Jackie running after us . It didn 't help that when Dinah and I saw that Jackie was okay , we laughed and giggled while trying to tell Grandpa she had fallen out . I hope Jackie wears her seat belt now . I think there were a couple of other times that she managed to fall out of a car . These grape hyacinth were growing all over the yard when Al and I got married . Over the years , we 've managed to move most of them to a couple of different places where they are all together . They 're such pretty , dainty little bulbs . I had baby lilies earlier that I didn 't get a picture of . They came from Al 's mother 's garden years ago . My sister - in - law Vicky gave them to me . The tulips are beautiful this year . I know , there is grass in them . Well , there was grass in them . After I took the pictures , I went to work getting rid of grass and weeds . Some of the flowers that are blooming in my flower gardens right now . I had yellow and white daffodils , but I 'm afraid I didn 't get out to take pictures of them soon enough . They 're about finished . Al and I both enjoy gardening . He concentrates mostly on the vegetable garden but helps me out a lot with the flowers , too . He used to tease me when I started growing flowers , telling me that I had weeds growing that I needed to get rid of . Now he 's as bad as I am about planting flowers . I think it 's because all the ladies tell him how beautiful they are . The vegetable garden is pretty much planted now . I 'll have to take some pictures of it later on when it has a chance to grow . There isn 't much to look at right now . This is a picture of my great , great , great grandmother Rachael Poorman Baird , wife to Benjamin Baird shown below . alt = " " id = " BLOGGER _ PHOTO _ ID _ 5329922665836927858 " /> Benjamin and Rachel Baird were originally from Scotland and boasted of a Baird Clan Plaid . There each clan or the descendants of the same progenitor , had a plaid designed for them in a particular pattern . Boastfully or apologetically , they say the lineage can be traced back to the house of Stuarts . On the other side , the famed Rudolph Hess , is thought to be our very , very distant cousin ( p 9 ) . Later the family moved to Ducanon , Ireland and from there to America In her book , Maude Cole says that there were no candles available so her grandmother , Rachel , had an iron teapot that was filled with bear grease . They stuck a wick into the spout and lit it . ( p 10 ) . She tells of the time her Grandmother Rachel was home with only the children when a huge bear tried to force its way into the house . Rachel took a large kettle of hot lye mixture she was using to make soap and fought the bear off with that ( p 11 ) . They lived in a log cabin until 1850 when Benjamin sold off some of his land claim and built a large frame house on the remainder . Ezra and his family lived there until they went west in 1906 ( AWAY BACK WHEN by Maude E . Cole ) . These stories happened while the Baird family was living in Pennsylvania . This is a picture of my great , great , great grandparents Benjamin and Susan Sallee . Aunt Dinah says there is a book published about the Sallee 's . I need to find out more about it so that I can try to get hold of one . Rawlins County is updating their History , so I wrote these to add to the collection . Albert J . Holub Albert James Holub , Tech Sergeant , Air Craft Mechanic for the U . S . Air Force was raised in Rawlins County on a farm southeast of Beardsley . Al joined the Air Force on the 26 March 1961 and spent the next 20 years serving our country , retiring on 30 March 1981 . Al took his basic training at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio , Texas then attended Basic Air Craft Maintenance School in Wichita Falls , Texas . He then went on to Donaldson AFB , South Carolina and during that time served two six month duties in Germany . While at Hunter AFB , Savannah Georgia , Al had a 3 month temporary duty in Guam . Following these assignments , Al served in Vietnam for a year and three months . During this time he was awarded the Air Force Accommodation Medal . After leaving Vietnam , he was stationed at Peterson AFB , Colorado Springs , Colorado , then moved to Shepherd AFB , Wichita Falls , Texas where he served as a mechanic instructor . Iceland was next where he worked on EC 121 's for one year , then Wurtsmith AFB , Michigan where he worked on the B 52 . Overseas duty was next in Athens , Greece where he worked on EC 135 aircraft , His last assignment was Loring AFB , Maine where he again worked on the B 52 . When Al retired , he lived briefly in Wellington , KS , then moved home to McDonald where he lives at present . Albert J . and Vonita S . ( Faber ) Holub Al and Vonita were married on September 4 , 1993 at Al 's home in McDonald , Rawlins County , Kansas with Judge Dorothy Reinert officiating . The wedding was held in the yard with many friends and relatives present . Al was born in Rawlins County , Kansas on September 27 , 1938 to Albert and Vera ( Studer ) Holub . He grew up on his parents farm northwest of Beardsley with 11 brothers and sisters : Margie ( Holub ) McFee , Delbert ( Bud ) , Joyce ( Holub ) Hale , Larry , Judy ( Holub ) Mann , Patty ( Holub ) Lloyd , Gary ( Pete ) , Maryjane ( Holub ) Howard , Ronnie , Randy and Tammy ( Holub ) Ginther . Al attended grade school in BeaPosted by It 's so much fun to turn on the television and see a relative on national tv . I had a phone call yesterday to watch CNBC around 9 : 15 this morning to see cousin Mebane Faber as a guest speaker on Squawk on the Street under the heading of Investing Like the Top Endowments . Meb is living in California , I believe ( correct me if I 'm wrong ) , and is a financial analyst . He has written a book called The Ivy Portfolio and also does some writing for www . thestreet . com and the World Beta Blog . If anyone would be interested in watching him , you can find the clip at the following address online : http : / / www . cnbc . com / id / 15840232 ? video = 1101420851 & play = 1We had such a wonderful Faber family reunion on April 4 . I will write about it in the near future . I 've kind of neglected my blog lately , but seems with the nice weather , I am reminded of so much that needs to be done . Well , I think about it a lot , but I haven 't gotten a lot of it finished . There 's windows to wash , house to clean , garden to plant ( Al 's pretty much doing all of that this year ) and graduations coming up soon . It 's hard to believe that I have another grandchild graduating from high school . Alexis Rose is the graduate , and she plans to go to nursing school in Wichita . Then I have Amber , Caleb and Nakita graduating from 8th grade . I guess I 'll be doing some traveling towards the middle of May , which isn 't so bad because I still haven 't seen my son 's new home . Oh , to win the lottery and be able to travel anytime and anywhere that I want to . Dream on ! Well , the history for the day shows John Wilkes Booth as the subject . Makes me think of Aunt Dinah and all the work she has done in Maryland with the preservation of the Booth home . She 's put a lot of time and energy into the project , and I admire her for all her hard work . WTG Dinah . We left Saturday morning and went to Tyrone , OK to visit with Al 's two sisters who live there . We stayed at Maryjanes and visited at Judy 's . Judy had a houseful of company , neices and their families who we hadn 't seen in years . It was nice to see them all even if I did have to ask them who they were because they had changed so much . There was a new baby there , Isabella . She 's only a week or so old so I thoroughly enjoyed holding and cuddling her . I love babies . Right now there are no babies left in my immediate family , so I have to enjoy those of other relatives . Maryjane also has a new granddaughter that we hadn 't seen . She 's older and such a beautiful baby she is . She has gorgeous red hair and a smile that captures your attention immediately . She laughed and talked to me lots while I held her . We picked up a third sister of Al 's who lives close to us but was visiting at Judy 's . She had gone down earlier to visit for Easter and we brought her back home with us . On the way home , we were all so tired we decided not to stop at another of Al 's sister 's on the way . Now I wish we would have stopped because there was another baby new to the family that we hadn 't seen . Oh , well , we 'll have to catch that one later . Al comes from a big family . There were 6 boys and 6 girls for his parents to raise . Al was the 2nd and since he went into the Air Force for 20 years , the younger ones were pretty much grown up by the time he moved back to this area . Now that he 's here , he enjoys so much visiting with all of them . Oscar went with us . He stuck pretty close to Al the entire time . But when we went upstairs at bedtime , he wouldn 't go up those stairs . They were pretty steep and narrow with carpeting on them and he was afraid of them , so we had to carry hPosted by Jack and Mary Faber have pretty much grown up together . Mary was born March 20 , 1927 in her parent 's home . The Doctor had come all the way to the farm to deliver her and ended up staying there for a few days because of a blizzard . Jack was born October 27 , 1928 at his Aunt Ella Hollander 's home in rural Campbell , Nebraska . His mother Artie says that Ella took care of her , Jack and his dad John for nine days . His mother Artie said that she stayed in bed those 9 days because that was the rule of the day , if the mother didn 't want to fall to pieces . One of the Christmas gifts from Santa that Jack remembers is a Caterpillar Tractor . Santa Claus came to his house . Mary says that they didn 't get presents for Christmas that she can recall , but they always had a big Christmas dinner with turkey raised by her mother . Mary had a dog named Spook , and Jack had a dog named Patsy . In 1935 , Jack 's family moved from Nebraska to what we now know as the home he grew up in , and it was a little over 2 miles from where Mary lived . They were neighbors and went to school together some of the time . Mary went to Atwood to school some of the time in grade school and Atwood is where she went to high school . She stayed with her Grandmother in Atwood . Jack went to Colby to high school , but neither one of them graduated . Jack later got his GED in the 1970 's . Mary 's sister Olive thought that when Jack came to school , he was the cutest little boy she had ever seen . Jack and Mary both said that they fought with each other all the time . Mary says that Jack and Donald Hawkins used to tease her . She says Jack threw her in a sticker patch , but Jack says it was Donald who did it . Will we ever know for sure ? Mary also said there were times when her bicycle had flat tires and she believed those boys had something to do with it . When Jack 's family moved to Kansas , Jack got to pick out the wallpaper that would hang in his bedroom . He chose a tan wallpaper with roses splashed all over it . This room would later become the bathroom . There wasPosted by It 's been ten days since I 've written a post . During those ten days , I 've managed to turn 60 years old . I just can 't believe how fast time goes these days . Remember back when you were a kid and you could hardly wait until you could go to school ? Then the time came and you had another goal . You couldn 't wait until you were in Jr . High or High school . Next on the list was the age of 14 when you get your learners permit to drive . And then 16 , when you could legally drive anytime , anyplace . It wasn 't long after that and you started looking forward to graduation from high school and when I was a kid , the age of 18 when you could legally buy a beer . That one has changed . At 21 , you were truly an adult and ready to take responsibility of your own life . Well , for many of us that was at 18 , but for some reason that I can 't think of right now , it was good to be 21 . Maybe because you graduated to stronger drinks than beer . From 21 on , things went downhill . Instead of looking forward to the milestones , you begin to dread them . Oh , no , I can 't be 30 , 40 , 50 or more . And now , 60 ! ! What do I have to look forward to ? Retirement ! Hmmm , I 'm basically retired right now , but in 3 to 5 more years , I can get social security and all that good stuff . I sound as if I 'm complaining . Really , I 'm not . I 'm thankful for every day that I have . I 'm thankful for having my parents , my husband , my children , my grandchildren , my family and my friends . I 'm thankful that I live in the United States , even with the problems we are having right now . I 'm thankful for the great advancements that have been made in medicine and health care and looking forward to even more advancements in this direction . I 'm thankful that I can see the sun , the moon and the stars , that I can hear the birds sing , that I can smell the flowers or the rain , that I can feel the emotions of love and taste the german chocolate in my birthday cake ( thank you , Pat ) . Today my mom turns 82 . Today I 'm especially thankful for her presence in my life . Happy Birthday , Mom . Today would have been Grandma Smarty 's birthday . My dad reminded me yesterday as we were driving home from Denver . Grandma always wrote the most wonderful notes and letters to all of us on our birthday 's , so , here is one to her . Thank you , Grandma , for all the love and support you have shown your family and friends in the past and for all the fun times I had at your home . Grandma always had games for us to play , especially Uncle Wiggly , and craft items for us to do . Remember cutting snowflakes from pieces of paper ? We also made paper chains at Christmas and strung popcorn and cranberries , all to decorate the tree . We would take napkins and color the lines of the design or decorate paper plates . Such patience she had . She allowed us to make items for our little store that we would set up . The mailman almost always would buy something from us . I 'll always remember crawling into her chair with her and listening to the stories she would read us . I remember scattering paper dolls around the living room and setting up a mini kitchen in the kitchen . Then there were the shows that we would have and the mess she had to deal with when we made our stage . We also used to build our own little houses , covering chairs with blankets . Grandma let us fix up a playhouse in one of the outside buildings , play in the barn , sit under the lilac bushes , start our own campfire or build a fire in the stove that was in the milk house . She fixed picnics for us to take wherever and enjoy . Sometimes we would take picnics to the creek where she let us wade in the water and play in the hills and rocks . It was always fun when Grandma would play the piano and we would sing along . I even got to go on vacations with them on occasion . Maybe it was so that Dinah would have someone to play with , but just getting to go was such a treat . I remember one especially , and that was the trip Grandpa and Grandma took us to Marble , Colorado . I also remember going to Aspen , Colorado and walking down the sidewalks listening to people playing their musical instrumenPosted by Well , now , here it is March already . Time seems to go faster every day . This is a month filled with family birthdays for our family . I have some tulips that are popping up in my flower garden along with the daffodils . It let 's me know that spring is on the way with all it 's beauty and pleasant weather . I have been working on some family history again and came across another writing of Grandma Smarty . Today , I 'll share with with you , thanks to Dinah for sending it to me a couple of years ago . " There is one [ tulip ] that has been most faithful of all . I look for it each spring on the west side of the sidewalk that goes out a short ways south of the south porch . It has been there for I suppose forty years and comes up each spring and no matter how dry and unfavorable the conditions may be it never fails to put up at least a little purple blossom . I like it much not for its beautiful bloom for most times it doesn 't amount to much but because it is faithful and does its best in spite of whatever may come . I have known a few people like that . The places where they found themselves weren 't pleasant and the way may have been hard but they were there doing what they could with what they had . I think of my cousin Belle xxxxx who lived in Benkleman . She grew up with her dad having run off and left his family to be raised by a weak mother . She married too young and had too many kids and nevert had enough money to hardly have enough to eat . But she never complained and was such a calm fine old lady taking care of herself and others who needed care even until she was past eighty five . A fine , fine woman . " Grandma Smarty was a special person herself . She was able to see the beauty in what most people would pass by . She was also able to see the beauty in the people she knew . Grandma loved us for the beauty inside , not for how we looked or what we did , because I 'm sure all of us have done things we 're now ashamed of . She looked past those things and saw the goodness within . I 'm sure this has had an effect on all of us who knew her aPosted by An elderly woman I know sent her daughter an e - mail . When she talked to her later , she asked if her daughter had gotten the mail . " Yes , " replied her daughter , " but it was pretty hard to read . Maybe you should write your message in the message box instead of in the subject line . " Just a few thoughts : As for the Black / White issue people seem to have with Obama as President , I 'm tired of that . People are people . Besides , everyone focuses on the Black and forget that he is also White . He was raised in a White family . Obama talks of creating jobs by improving highways , schools , parks , etc . When these jobs are created , the unemployed people have jobs , pay taxes , which brings in much more money for the government , and helps to keep our country in good condition . When this happens , it helps the government by providing tax money . Our country is in dire need of improvements in many of these areas but without the government help cannot afford them . What individual would invest in these things without getting something monetary in return ? Our country can not remain as one of the top countries in the world if we don 't take care of what we have worked so hard to get . Our education system is not great right now . It is extremely important that we pay teachers what they are worth and provide great learning centers for our children . Our children are our future . Our " war machine " needs to be supported and kept up . We do need to spend the money more efficiently . It makes me sick to hear where much of the money went without any questions asked , ie Haliburton as an example . I don 't believe in war but I do believe in protecting what is ours . The war in Iraq was and still is a ridiculous war . I 'm happy to hear that our troops are beginning to withdraw . The Afghanistan issue will continue , but hopefully , it will be handled more diplomatically instead of exclusively with guns . I see in Obama a man who can work with other countries without compromising our safety which is something we desperately need . Don 't do away with SS . Privatizing it will only put the poor / middle class into needing more help when they retire . When a person has the choice of putting food on the table and a roof over their heads and saving for retirement , they will choose the first . By creating jobs , we are using a trickle up philosophy . The one diPosted by I finished The Witch of Portobello last week . It was a good book . I thought that it was amazing how an author who is a Roman Catholic could focus in on some of the " feelings " of a pagan . I see no reason why Christian religion can 't blend with some of the pagan beliefs and not harm either religion . As a matter of fact , Christianity did blend many pagan beliefs with their own in order to win over those of pagan religion . I think specifically of Christian holidays and their relationship to Pagan holidays . The Christian holidays were set up to coincide with pagan celebrations of the seasons . Even traditions , such as Easter eggs came from the pagan religion . This book made me think of the condescending way that Christian religion portrays women . Of course , they would never admit this and say that man is to treat his wife with respect , love her as he loves himself . By the same token , the blame for sin is placed on the woman 's shoulders . The woman was " made of man 's rib " indicating that she is a part of man , not wholly of herself . Even the Christian cross shows the submission of woman to man . The horizontal line represents the female while the vertical line represents the male , and which line is the longest indicating more importance or power ? I realize that Jesus was crucified on a Christian cross and that explains why that cross is used , but I can 't help but see the symbolism that is there , too . Churches for years did not , and many still do not , accept women in a mininstering role . Some churches even place the women at the back of the church with the men taking the places of importance . I think it is very important for us to see the male and female side of God understanding that one is no more important than the other , and that both sexes can function in the roles of religion and spirituality . The book . . . . . I seem to be off track , and yet these are things that I thought of while reading . I thought some interesting questions developed in my mind from what I read : Was Athena the way she was because she was born to a pagan Posted by I finished reading the book Pigtopia by Kitty Fitzgerald early this morning . For me , it was a disturbing book , but good . Jack Plum was born with a large , deformed head . People in the community considered him to be a freak and retarded . He was , in fact , more of a genius who lacked formal education because of his deformity and his mother not allowing him to go to school , but he gained pig knowledge from his dad before his dad was killed . He raised pigs in the basement of his mother 's house . His mother treated him terrible and blamed him for her own medical problems . The book emphasizes the intelligence and cleanliness of pigs . In contrast , we see the filth of his mother 's life and health . Jack is in his 30 's when the story takes place . His mother dies during this time , and he fears that he will be " put away " and will no longer be able to work with his pigs . Holly Lock is a young girl just at puberty . She and Jack , through Jack 's encouragement , develop a secret friendship that leads to many downfalls . Holly tries to help Jack by helping him get rid of his mother 's body and hiding her death from the community . By the end of the book , Jack ends the relationship with Holly , but I won 't say how . Read the book to see . One of the things that I brought away from this book is more realization beyond what I already had on how people treat those who are different from us through no fault of their own . Labels are put on these people as being dangerous . I know that this is basically untrue , but I must admit there have been times when I 've felt uncomfortable around disabled people . There are other times that I have known these people personally and understand that there is something special about them , and I love them for who they are . All things turn out okay in the book , but I wonder how it happened , and I 'm unsure that it is really okay . The book seems to be a kind of a fairy tale . Some of what happens in the book is entirely grotesque . Even though things are okay , the end is quite sad . And I must say that even though pigs are qPosted by When we were young , we had a donkey . He was already named when we got him , and we kept the name , Pedro Joe . I can guarantee you one thing . Mules get their stuborness from the donkey . I can remember times that I wanted Pedro Joe to lead for me and he would plant his two front feet stiffly in front of him and refuse to go . I even tried pushing him from behind and he still wouldn 't move . Then there were times when I was riding him that he would just decide he had gone far enough and just stop . Nothing could convince him to go forward until he was good and ready . One day , Jackie and I had Pedro Joe out of his pen and decided to take a nice , leisurely walk down the road . We had no trouble at all because Pedro Joe was ready for a walk . We were probably 1 / 2 mile from home when much to our surprise , and Pedro Joe 's , brother John and his friend John jumped out of the ditch in front of us , waving their arms hysterically . Pedro Joe reacted immediatly and began bucking and pitching about . Jackie was on the back and was the first one to hit the dirt . Pedro headed straight for the house . It wasn 't long after that I found myself on the ground , too , but I was so angry at that donkey that I jumped up and chased him all the way home . Didn 't even think about checking to see if Jackie was okay . And John ? What can I say ? Ornery brothers . Grandpa JohnJackie , Vonita and DinahA friend of mine from way back in the country school days sent me a letter a while back telling me that Grandpa John was her hero . She then went on to tell me that one day when she was quite young , she was left at home alone . She went outside to feed her dog and there was a skunk in the yard that was acting quite aggressively . She knew what she had to do and went to the house , climbed up on a chair , ( she was too small to reach the gun without the chair ) and got her dad 's shotgun down . She was afraid , but determined that the skunk had to be destroyed . She got the shells and toted the gun to the yard . Just as she was getting ready to load the gun , out of nowhere came Grandpa John . It wasn 't a regular thing for him to stop in at the house , but here he was , just in time . He took care of the skunk for her and from that point on , he was her hero . My brother John lost an expensive watch while moving cattle one day . It was quite a distance that the cows were moved , miles , so after searching for hours , he knew he was going to have to tell Renee that he had lost the gift she had given him . John mentioned it to Grandpa John , and Grandpa , at that time going blind , took to the road where the cattle had been driven . Do miracles happen ? Grandpa John found the watch . I remember Grandpa having the patience of Job with Dinah and I . How many Grandfather 's / Father 's would have the patience and the " bravery " to allow two little girls to put make - up on his face and polish his nails ? My daughter Jessica spent quite a bit of time with Grandpa John . One day , they were in the basement reloading shells when Grandpa suggested that they " pull a trick " on her dad . Grandpa loaded several shells as blanks and stuck them in his pocket . When Bob showed up to do some target shooting , Grandpa winked at Jessica and handed him a blank shell . Bob shot , then tried to figure out why he had missed . He didn 't think he was behind the target , but he just couldn 't be sure because he couldn 't tell for sure where it had gone . GrPosted by When I was in college taking literature classes , the plan was to analyze a reading by going through it , looking for symbols , signs , theme , etc . , and when you took everything as a whole and put it together , you could come up with the author 's meaning for the reading material . If I thought about a certain interpretation , I was told that the interpretation needed to fit with the rest of the story . If it didn 't , it didn 't belong to the story . Sometimes I had a difficult time doing this because a portion of a story would sing out to me , and I would feel the need for my own personal interpretation for that passage only , even if that meaning wasn 't followed through in the entire book . I think all people tend to read a book and place themselves into the book , noting those things that have special meaning to them . They see in a book things they dream of , are afraid of , or have a need to understand . Is this so wrong ? Well , maybe it is if you are a literary critic , but the enjoyment of reading for me is to discover , not only the story itself , but what is inside me . Some stories seem to be only for entertainment , to give you a thrill or allow you to practice your own mystery solving talents ; other stories are filled with life lessons , and how a person reads these life lessons depends on their own personal lives . Does that make an individual interpretation wrong ? I don 't think so because through that personal interpretation , the reader has discovered something personal about himself . All the reader has to do is open his eyes and heart to see what it is inside him that makes the passage special . Maybe that 's both good and bad , depending on what you discover , but it can 't be all bad because we are all searching for our own purpose in life . I enjoy receiving comments . They let me know who is reading my blog . Let me hear from you . Mary mentioned a memory Mike had . . . and it was exactly correct . Grandma Faber used to let us kids smoke coffee grounds , or in my case tea leaves . I don 't know if this was to discourage future smoking or just to satisfy our curiosity . This did bring up something that my daughter Julie told me . Sajid and Julie decided to go to the show one day , and they decided it would be great fun to take their coffee / tea cigarettes with them . They sat in the show , lit up their cigarettes and it wasn 't long before they were kicked out of the movie . Someone thought they were smoking marijuana ! Funny she didn 't tell me about it until just recently . Just remembered another story about John . I don 't think he has my blog addy . Too bad . One time , our sister Jackie had a date with a guy , and John wanted to go with them . Well , of course , Jackie wouldn 't hear of it . Who wants baby brother tagging along on a date ? Jackie and her date got in the car to leave , headed down the road and were quite surprised when John popped up from the floor in the back seat . He should have waited until they were further down the road . They brought him back home . One time we were having a pretty heavy snow storm . Mom and Dad decided to go to the neighbors for a while and told Jackie and I to watch John , that they wouldn 't be gone for very long . We watched him . . . . . . . walk out the door and head across the pasture . We had to call the neighbor 's and tell Mom and Dad that John wouldn 't listen to us and had left the house . Talk about scared . They were out in the storm hunting for John . He did get home , safe and sound . We had a gas stove in the basement . One winter , my dad drove a truck to make extra money to get us through the year . The crops hadn 't been too good that year . The stove in the basement went out , so Mom had to go downstairs to start it as Jackie and I slept in the basement . What a scary sound when we heard an explosion coming from the basement , then Mom came walking up the stairs with all of her eyebrows singed off . The winter that Dad was gone was a rough one . There was a blizzard that totally covered our doors and windows . We couldn 't get out . One of the outlets in the house let off some sparks , and Mom just knew the house was going to burn down . She was able to get hold of Grandpa John , and he made his way through the storm to dig us out of the house . Now I 'm thinking of all kinds of stories . I 'll make a note so I don 't forget them and write them up later . I hope I don 't lose the note and forget . I was complaining on Facebook that I didn 't have anything I wanted to blog about right now , and Mary suggested I make up a story about my brother John . I don 't have to make up a story . . . . . he provides me with lots of entertainment . Then I get another note from Dinah and she says I should tell about Johnny getting chased around the school house on the last day of school . Well , that story was quite funny . John and his friend Bobby were just young students . They had read a book about Mrs . Beasley , I think that was her name , and they decided it would be fun to call their teacher Mrs . Beasley . Well , the teacher was a man and not the brightest teacher we had ever had . This was in a one - room schoolhouse with 8 grades all having the same teacher . John and Bobby started to tease Mr . White by calling him Mrs Beasley in a sarcastic way . He didn 't take to that too lightly and told them to stop . Would they stop ? Nooooooooo . They continued to call him Mrs . Beasley until he got so angry that he began to chase them around the school building . The boys just ran and hollered Mrs . Beasley , Mrs . Beasley . Such a sight to see a male teacher chasing these two boys around the school house . I don 't remember if he ever did catch them . Mr . White was a city man stuck in a country school out in the middle of nowhere . One dark , foggy day , the Moore twins decided it would be fun to scare him . While looking out the window , they saw a coyote run across a field . " Mr . White ! Mr . White ! There 's a wolf running around outside ! " Mr . White looked out the window and saw the coyote , but not really knowing the difference , he thought it was a wolf . The boys went on to tell them that the wolf was a Werewolf stalking the school and would kill them all . Well , we weren 't allowed to go outside for fear the big bad wolf might get us . We stayed in the schoolhouse until our parents came to get us . Another time , I had gotten a new chemistry set for Christmas and decided to take it to school . During recess , Charles and I stayed in the school house to play with the chemisPosted by

Hyacinth awakened and knew immediately that her reign was ending . The signs had been there for days - - her dwindling appetite , the way she could no longer feel the imbalance of the land with every breath , the moments of total silence in her mind - - but she 'd hoped to have a little longer . That hope , like so many of her reign , would not be fulfilled . Hyacinth 's castle was nearly empty . Only the dust elementals remained , creatures that predated her reign and would long outlast her . Without the balance to hold , she had no real duties , no supplicants to see , no roads to open . And as her grip on the land faded , the needs of her body did , too ; she had no need to eat or wash now . So she stayed in bed and considered her successor . Iris - - well , if Iris had lived , things would have been very different . Hyacinth 's mind returned to well - rehearsed memories : she saw the Hunters returning , their stately march as they approached the castle , the bier draped in flowers , their useless condolences , as though anything , anything at all , could have begun to recompense her for the loss of her heir and daughter . They 'd apologized , they 'd claimed innocence , they 'd claimed accident , and it had mattered not at all , for Iris was gone , gone while in their care and keeping . Hyacinth had punished them for it , though less than they deserved . And the punishment would continue forever if she had her way . In her bed , dying , Hyacinth took a deep breath and forcibly dragged herself away from the old , painful memories . She reminded herself that she would not have her way , that someone else would make that decision . Not Cyclamen , the daughter who left , resigned , gone to the new world and the new ways . Cyclamen would never be entirely of that world , no matter how she tried , but her abdication would hold . Cyclamen 's older child , then . Hyacinth reached for the child 's name , but couldn 't recall it . She 'd met the girl once or twice , an unimportant , unimpressive creature . Cyclamen 's child . Unprepared , presumably . Hyacinth knew she should speak to the dust element ~ ~ ~ The land shuddered when the Hood died . The dust elementals froze , stepping out of time as the source of their animation disappeared , and the castle became truly silent , truly still . The Great Pack , scenting along one of the empty hunting paths , felt the shudder . The wolves halted and raised their heads in a long , high howl , to drive out the ghost of the old Hood and clear the air for the new one . When the evening forest was quiet again , the leaders turned without a word and ran for the castle , to wait for the new Hood . And in the hall of the Hunter King , the mostly empty table vibrated slightly , shaking the half - empty glasses and few serving platters . Every Hunter present shivered . The Hunter King nodded to his guests , and they rose and filed out , most of them carrying the mugs of mediocre cider that had long since replaced the wines the Hunters had once loved . The Hunter King waited until he was alone with his three sons and his scholar to say , " She is gone . This is our chance . " " She 'll have poisoned the new Hood 's mind against us , " his youngest son predicted . " Then you 'll find a way to change her mind , " the Hunter King told him . " You say that like anyone has ever changed the mind of a Hood . " " The Hood did not keep her heir close to her , " the Hunter King pointed out . " That was a mistake . When the new Hood arrives , she 'll be vulnerable , possibly uninformed . You 'll be able to play on her weakness , and you will . You will make her need you . You 'll make her do as you say . " " Remember , " the scholar told the third Hunter Prince , " You must get her to take a symbolic sacrifice , some part of you . " " Maybe you can get her to take your head , " the oldest Prince told his brother , laughing . His father waved a hand to silence him . The scholar continued , " When she accepts it , the paths will open to us again . " " Don 't fail , " the king told his son . " I never do , " the Hunter Prince said . He drank the rest of his cider , rose , and bowed to his family . He left the tent , already moving quickly ; he 'd need to be in the castle before the new Hood came iThe New One Comes " - - please call to reschedule . " Netty recited her phone numbers and hung up . The client wouldn 't return her call , she knew , and then he 'd page her in a panic when his court date was coming up . She made some notes in his file , then checked the clock . She had nearly twenty minutes before her next appointment , more than enough time to finish drafting her motion for summary judgment against her new least favorite slumlord in the Bronx . She opened the file and started in , but before she 'd typed more than ten words , she heard tapping on her door . Darlene hovered in the doorway , a large package in her hand . " Came by courier , " Darlene told her , eyebrows raised . They didn 't get a lot of couriers coming to their office ; mostly , their clients couldn 't even afford stamps . Netty took the package from Darlene . She checked for a label - - none at all , which was strange - - and then took off the brown wrapping paper . Underneath was a box made of dark , rich wood , dulled by age . As soon as she touched it , she knew something about the box was strange . It felt simultaneously too real and unreal . Netty took a deep breath and opened the box . The Hood . Netty knew it was the Hood even though she 'd never seen it before . It was a cloak , actually , made of fabric unbelievably rich and heavy and bright , and she reached out for it almost automatically , already planning to put it on , pull it over her head , drape the ties around her neck - - and then she reminded herself that this was not just clothing and yanked her hands away . She took a deep breath that only shook a little . Darlene came over and stood next to Netty , looking into the box . " Oh , that 's gorgeous . Where have you been shopping ? I need to get me some of that , that 's serious class . Wooden box and everything . " Darlene glanced up at Netty and then did a double take . " Netty , honey , are you okay ? " She sounded worried , and Netty made herself focus on Darlene , not on the box . Or the Hood . " My grandmother is dead , " Netty told her , blinking away the weirdness of it , how just for a moment the office ~ ~ ~ Netty waited to make the call until she was away from work , away from her colleagues ' worried faces ( and her boss 's somewhat more disapproving face ; it wasn 't that he didn 't want his lawyers to have personal lives , exactly , just that he didn 't like anything that might reduce the number of hours they could dedicate to the good fight each day ) . She pulled over in a convenience store parking lot , and she looked again at the box . The Hood was lying on top , and she didn 't want to touch it until she knew for sure what that meant . If just touching it bound her to anything . Changed anything . She paged through her contact list until she found one of the few entries that had nothing to do with work and dialed it . As she worked her way through the phone tree and listened to the hold music , she rolled her window down - - the air outside was cold , catching at her nose and throat with the chill , and she was already cold , but she felt less trapped when she breathed it in . Cold always helped her think . " Nettle , hello . " " Hi , Mom . " Netty took a careful breath and tried to think of what to say . Grandmother was her mother 's mother , of course , but they 'd never seemed like mother and child . Her mother hardly ever mentioned her life before she 'd crossed over , and when she did , it was like she was telling a story she 'd heard from a friend , not like something she remembered herself . Still , the loss of her mother was bound to be hard for her , and Netty hated to tell her . " Are you okay ? " Netty 's mother didn 't sound worried , exactly , but then she wouldn 't ; her mother was at work , where she was calmly professional , casually organized , and always , always on top of things . " I think . " Netty took a deep , shaky breath . She was thirty - three , but some part of her still wanted - - expected , even - - her mother to solve her problems . Talking to her was reassuring even as it chipped away at Netty 's calm . " I think Grandmother is dead . I got a delivery at work , a box . It has the Hood in it . " " Nettle . " Her mother 's voice was still calm , but she sounded breathless ~ ~ ~ Netty carried the box into her apartment carefully , holding it by its handles , the lid closed . From what her mother had said , she was pretty sure she had to put the Hood on , not just touch it , but she didn 't want to take any chances . She set it down on the coffee table and just stared at it . The box looked absolutely out of place in her tiny apartment . The coffee table was from Ikea , mahogany veneer over particle board , and it had always looked fine to Netty . Next to the box , though - - the rich , dark , softly glowing wood , the aged brass handles and lock - - it looked cheap and rickety and ephemeral . The box made everything around it seem fake . Netty stared at it for a few minutes longer and then moved the box to the floor , where it made the grey carpet look even more scratchy and basic and temporary than it was . She turned her back on it and went into the kitchen . It was time for hot chocolate . Maybe with a splash of something in it . Maybe a big splash . She spent the rest of the afternoon and evening orbiting around the box . It wasn 't even her intention . Just , the space that had always been perfectly adequate for her somehow seemed tight and confining once the box was there . She rattled around , trying to think . She had a week off , which was very generous for someone in her position . If she wasn 't going to take the Hood , she 'd still need to go somewhere ; the last thing she needed was for someone from work to see her at the grocery store instead of off dealing with her grandmother 's estate . So she knew she needed to pack , to organize , to get ready for a week or so away , no matter what she decided about the Hood . She had enough clean clothes . She packed some in a case . Then she used up the rest of the milk making more hot chocolate . In the middle of the last mug , she realized she didn 't need to call anyone . Her mother knew , and Ro would find out eventually . Work knew , and she 'd lived in the city for four years and in this apartment for two and a half without meeting anyone who would wonder where she was . Netty stared into ~ ~ ~ " I thought I had to put on the Hood first , " Netty said out loud . It was a stupid thing to say - - obviously she didn 't have to at all , since she was somewhere in the castle . She had to be , although she couldn 't see very much - - everything around her seemed distant , slightly out of focus , as though it wasn 't entirely there . The only thing she could see well was the long , low table in front of her , which was rich and heavy and dark . The box looked natural on it . The Bic did not . Netty stood up , holding the Hood in one hand , and looked around , struggling to focus her eyes . The castle didn 't have electric lights , she guessed , although something similar seemed to be at work : the light level was low but constant , with no obvious flickers . She couldn 't see much , but she could hear things , whispering and mutters and strange , sudden breezes that seemed to blow only on her . Something brushed her cheek , but when Netty raised her hand , there was nothing there . She could hear voices , but she couldn 't make out any of the words . One rose , louder than the others : " - - Her - - " and then it died again . Netty took a breath and realized her hands were shaking . But she shouldn 't be afraid , shouldn 't have to be afraid . She was supposed to be the owner of this castle now . It was hers . Surely that should be how it worked - - she had the Hood , after all , and this was the Hood 's castle . She didn 't realize she 'd said that out loud until she heard the response . " It only works if you put the Hood on , you idiot . " Netty turned . She might still be having trouble seeing the castle , but she could definitely see him . He was standing in a doorway , watching her , his head tilted , his arms folded . His eyes were bright , clear blue , his posture absolutely confident , and his clothes antiquated . He was gorgeous , but he looked like trouble . As she watched , one corner of his mouth curled up . " Well ? " he said . Somewhere , something growled . Netty stood , staring at him , refusing to look away . She might be the idiot , but she was pretty sure this was her territory , and she ~ ~ ~ Netty woke the next morning to bright sunlight spilling into the room from the window . She didn 't remember opening the drapes , but self - opening curtains seemed fairly reasonable for this place . She rose and looked around , trying to figure out the bathroom situation . A door caught her eye , one she was fairly sure hadn 't been there before , and she went through it to find an ornate but perfectly modern - looking bathroom . When she emerged from the bathroom , clean and comfortable , she found a grey woman waiting for her . She wasn 't sure if this was a different woman than the one from last night , or if it was the same woman and she 'd changed her clothes , so she just said , " Hello . " " Mistress , " the grey woman said . " Will you dress ? " " Yes , " Netty said , and headed for the wardrobe . She 'd only taken two steps when she felt a sort of localized whirlwind wrap around her . She looked down to discover that she was wearing a black dress now , very different than the suit she 'd had on yesterday . The grey woman was hovering in front of her , making adjustments to her hair . Netty looked down and realized that the grey woman was literally hovering ; her feet were several inches off the floor , which allowed her to reach Netty 's head . " Mistress , " said the grey woman , draping the cloak over Netty 's shoulders and carefully tying it on . " The supplicants are waiting for an audience with you . " " Supplicants ? " Netty asked . She wasn 't sure she liked the word . " Yes . The Hunter Prince and the Wolf Seconds all wait for you . They have been waiting ever since you left . " Netty said , cautiously , " I have never been here before . " The grey woman froze for a moment , then continued her adjustment 's to Netty 's clothes . " Mistress , will you see the supplicants ? " Netty concluded that her comment hadn 't jibed with the grey woman 's worldview . She considered . " Do you know what they want ? " " Your favor , Mistress . As always . To give you their favor . To receive yours . " The grey woman sounded surprised . " And what exactly does my favor entail ? Remind me . " " Access to the passages and ro ~ ~ ~ Netty was used to being highly scheduled , with almost every minute and every thought spoken for . She typically had fourteen hours of work to cram into each day , plus any work she hadn 't managed to finish the day before . She was used to being busy , too busy to think or pause . In the castle , she had no idea what she needed to do , no schedule or computer or BlackBerry or lists . She did have some people who might be the local equivalent of office assistants , although when she mentally compared Darlene and the grey women , she shied away from using the word to describe them . But she had nothing to do , or at least nothing she really had to do . She would have enjoyed it a lot more if she could have been sure she wasn 't just failing to do something important . She spent the hour after lunch wandering around the castle . It no longer felt so threatening , but it was still utterly bewildering . She was lost thirty seconds after she left the breakfast room . Although , actually , since she 'd never had any clear idea where that was , she 'd technically been lost while she was in the breakfast room . She walked through dozens of rooms empty of everything except dust and carpets , and several more that contained single items of furniture : beds or wardrobes or long , low couches . Eventually , she tired of being lost and said , " Hello ? Grey women ? " She sensed something behind her , and turned to see three of them standing on the staircase as though they 'd always been there . " Yes , Mistress ? " they said in unison . Netty carefully did not think of this as creepy . " I need a desk . " They nodded and reached for her , and she said , " No , wait . I need a way to get around this castle on my own . " The grey women paused , frozen , their hands reaching out for her but not touching her . Eventually , one of them said , " You know the castle as well as you know your own footstep . You are the castle , Mistress . " Netty sighed , and thought carefully . " Okay , try this : how did I learn the castle ? " Another long pause , of the kind that Netty had mentally labeled " Does not compute . " " Y ~ ~ ~ To her surprise , they took her back to the room where she 'd arrived when she crossed over to the castle . Netty found herself wondering about this castle . It was apparently endless , filled with indeterminate numbers of rooms , and yet most of the rooms were obviously unused and almost all of them were empty . Something felt off about that , and about the castle as a whole . She needed to figure out what was wrong . Netty crossed to the desk and sat . After a few moments of thought , she wrote out a short list : Because she tried to avoid lying to herself , she admitted , only in her own head , that she was looking forward to the fourth item the most . By a substantial margin . But the first two might be the easiest , if the obvious solution worked . " Grey women ? " Netty said , again . This time , two arrived . She wondered if they had to bring at least two because she 'd used the plural . Next time , she 'd try saying " woman " and see what she got . These two stood , frozen in their usual bizarre postures . Netty said , " I need the Book and the Map . Where are they ? " " The Map is in the map room , " one of them said . " And the Book ? " A long pause , and then they said , " Would you like to see the map room , Mistress ? " So the didn 't know where the Book was . Probably . One out of two wasn 't actually bad . " Yes , " Netty said . " Please take me there . " The map room was huge . The walls - - wall , really , given that the room was circular - - were lined with endless map drawers . Like all the rooms in the castle , the map room had four doors . The bank of drawers nearest the door Netty entered through was labeled " Level 4 Cadastral , Sectors 4 and r . " The one next to that was labeled " Anticlimactic Topographical . " The one after that was " Ley / Key Inversion Diagrammatic . " At that point , Netty stopped looking at the drawers and started looking around for something that might tell her where the capital - M Map was , or , failing that , what the labels on the drawers meant . As soon as she thought that , her eyes dropped to the floor . It was a mosaic , and Netty tentatively identified it as a map , although she had no idea how to read it . It sort of reminded her of the subway map , actually ; it consisted entirely of thick and thin lines of various colors . Green lines tended to be the longest and the thinnest , and blue ones tended to run along green ones for only part of their span . Yellow lines were short and straight . Orange lines formed polyhedrons . Red lines went everywhere , crossing every other line . Netty considered this for a moment . Red lines that went everywhere . And the Hood was red . And when the Hood made the castle , she drew a circle , and the map room was a circle . Weak links , but - - they were links , and she had definitely left the land of reason and moved far into free - association territory . She picked a red line and followed it , walked it like a meditation labyrinth . As she did , she felt unusual sensations . Some areas made her nervous . Some made her tense . Green lines were welcoming ; blue ones felt staticky and hostile . Yellow lines just seemed empty . After a long time , she looked up and blinked . The grey women were waiting , perfectly still , watching her . " There 's only one red line , " she said to them . " There has always been only one castle , " said one of the grey women . It sounded like agreement . " The red line is the castle ? " Netty asked . The grey women didn 't respond , which Net ~ ~ ~ The grey women deposited her in a new dining area . This one didn 't seem to be built for the purpose ; it was a sort of flat place between two flights of stairs , more hallway than room , although it was a very wide hallway indeed . The table was long and high , surrounded by chairs , and there were two place settings , one at each narrow end . Netty studied this with foreboding . " Hell , " she said out loud . " I think I 'm dining with the Hunter Prince . " " Oh , Hood . You hate me already ? " Netty turned around , more than a little startled , and saw the Hunter Prince walking down one of the sets of stairs . He moved so smoothly and comfortably that it was hard not to watch him , not to follow the lines of his body . He was more than attractive ; he was magnetic . " You haven 't exactly been friendly , " she pointed out . He smirked at her . " I 've been helpful , " he said . " Isn 't that better ? " Netty opened her mouth to point out that he 'd been no such thing , but … he 'd told her about the Map . He 'd told her to put on the Hood . He couldn 't have been intending to help her , surely , but he definitely had . " You could try being helpful and nice , maybe , " she finally said . He cocked his head in a way that looked more animal than human . " I suppose I could . " He walked over to one end of the table and sat . " But you 'd hate yourself in the morning ? " He smiled at her in a way that showed all his teeth . " Until you sit , there won 't be any food , " he said . " And some of us have to eat , even if you aren 't there yet . " Netty folded her arms and stayed standing . He watched her . After a moment , the smirk came back . He rose and bowed deeply . " My Lady Hood , " he said . " May I escort you to your place ? " He offered his arm to her . Netty walked past it to her chair . " I can sit down on my own , " she told him . " Any time I choose . " The Hunter Prince laughed . " And here I was hoping you 'd be different than the other Hoods . " Netty sat . The table changed . The Hunter Prince 's chair grew horns and hide , the candles on the table lit , and the plates and bowls filled with food . " Lovely , " the Hunter P ~ ~ ~ In her old life , Netty had gotten ready for bed more or less by rote , completely exhausted by her long workday and whatever attempts she managed to make in the evening towards feeding herself , cleaning her apartment , and keeping up with her dwindling social life . But that night in the castle , Netty was tired but not numb . As she got ready for bed , she made a plan for the next day . She was considering a way to get fresh air before she developed claustrophobia from never seeing the sky when she heard knocking . From a door . She froze for a moment in surprise . No one knocked in this castle , and most people didn 't even seem to use doors , so she 'd come to assume that the doors were for something other than ingress and egress . The knocking came again . Netty forced herself into motion , crossing the room and opening the door . The Hunter Prince . And he had roses . Netty studied him for a long moment - - the huge bunch of deep red roses , the satisfied smile , the confident posture , the frankly gorgeous body , the ice - blue eyes . Then she closed the door in his face . The silence that followed had a stunned quality to it , she thought , and she smiled . But when the knocking started again , she was careful to take the smile off her face before she opened the door . " I don 't want any , " she said . " Roses are a traditional gift , " he told her . He was trying to sound like he normally did , confident and sarcastic and irritating , but she could tell she 'd wrong - footed him just a bit . She enjoyed that way more than she should have ; normally she knew better than to antagonize someone she wasn 't sure was her enemy . " Thank you , but no . I doubt you 're offering those because of your boundless admiration for me , and I don 't accept things with price tags until I know the price . So are we done ? " She moved the door slightly . He hesitated , and then , as she went to close the door , he said , " I realize you 're new at this , and I have to make allowances , but I would hope you 'd be bright enough to follow the lead of someone who knows what 's going on . " He was actually an ~ ~ ~ The next morning , Netty felt like she had at least managed to establish a routine : a meal , exploring , another meal , and bed . Of course , routine had been most of what was wrong with her old life , but she was hoping this routine wouldn 't turn into eight rounds in the ring before noon every day , which was how her old days had always felt . She did wonder why her days were built around meals . In her time in the castle , she 'd eaten some rice , a very small amount of fish , and a piece of bread , and she 'd felt perfectly satisfied . One of the mysteries of the castle , she decided . Anyway , the point of meals here clearly wasn 't eating ; it was eating with - - well , supplicants . And breakfast meant the wolves . She washed , changed , and summoned the grey women for her trip to the dining area - - a different one than yesterday , but set up pretty much the same . " Morning , " she said to the wolves when they entered . " Shall we ? " The wolves headed to their spots and ate , and she reached for the fish . It was some kind of pink flaky stuff today , and that definitely helped her make up her mind . She 'd just wait until she got hungry to eat . She wanted to see how long it would take . That choice made , she sat back and watched the wolves . They were - - preternaturally tidy , for one thing , loud but clean , and there was something odd about the way their paws moved . She wished she 'd made time for a few National Geographic specials , but she hadn 't realized they 'd be relevant to her future . Of course , National Geographic specials probably didn 't feature wolves who lived in castles . Hmmm . " Where do you live ? " she asked , wondering if they 'd be able to answer . One of the wolves rose and walked around the table to her . She pressed her nose against Netty 's hand , and Netty heard , We live in the wild places . So now I can understand them ? Netty thought , remembering what the Hunter Prince had said the previous day . She wondered what had changed . She wondered if they could read her mind , since they could obviously put words into it . She tried thinking that at them anEverywhere the Hunters are not . Netty clarified . " Are any of the wild places nearby ? " The wolf pulled her nose back just for a second , giving Netty a look she couldn 't interpret , and then returned . All of them are nearby , Lady Hood . " I think I 'd like to see one , if I might . " The other wolf rose and padded around to join them , and both wolves studied her . " Now is fine , if you 're finished , " Netty said . The female wolf turned and headed for one of the doors . Netty followed her , with the male wolf behind her . As soon as she stepped through the door , she was somewhere else . Outdoors , in a clearing surrounded by huge trees , with branches intertwined so tightly they almost obscured the sky . " Why can everyone find their way around this place but me ? " Netty wondered out loud . The female nosed her hand . You have not found your power yet . We trust that you will soon . Netty thought she sounded worried . " Any idea how I find my power ? " The wolf considered her for a moment , then said , Perhaps if you bond with your territory ? " Is that what wolves do ? " Apparently that one didn 't need an answer , because the wolves plunged ahead , one of them looking back over her shoulder when Netty didn 't immediately follow . Netty wasn 't really dressed for a walk in the woods - - the grey women were still laying out her clothes , and they seemed to favor dresses and high - heeled boots rather than comfortable or useful outfits . But it didn 't matter . Netty walked over grass and roots and fallen branches and it felt like she was walking on a lush , thick , even carpet . When the female wolf squeezed between two trees , Netty followed easily , and the trees seemed to pull aside for her , like curtains . The grey women had said she controlled the roads , paths , and ways . Apparently wherever she was was a way . She had no trouble keeping up with the wolves , either . Her steps grew longer but not more hurried , and she moved faster and faster without any extra effort on her part . After what seemed to be several hours of walk that felt like a combination of all the best parts of an exhilarating run and all the best parts of a leisurely stroll , they were back in the original clearing . Netty didn 't question how she knew that . The female wolf flopped down , panting from the run , and the male wolf followed . Netty wasn 't ready to go back inside , so she sat ~ ~ ~ The rest of the day should have been frustrating , since Netty spent half of it trying to figure out the Map and the other half looking for the Book . But the sense of rightness she 'd felt with the wolves didn 't fade , and she found herself enjoying her search through all the dusty bookshelves and desks of the castle . She started searching the third library with as much interest as she 'd had for the first . " Maybe I 'm finding my power , " she said optimistically to one of the grey women . The grey woman just looked at her , and Netty had the feeling she didn 't agree . " You don 't think so ? " " Mistress , if you had your power , you would have the Book , " the grey woman told her . Hmmm . " If I had the Book , would I have my power ? " The grey woman didn 't think that needed a response . " I mean , does the Book bring the power , or does the power bring the Book ? " After a long pause , the grey woman said , " There is another library , when you are finished here , " and disappeared . " Okay , so I obviously didn 't hit that one out of the park . " Netty brushed off her dress - - she was going to have to talk to the grey women about the concept of work clothes - - and moved over to search the next shelf . No Book . When the dinner hour approached , Netty accepted the fact that she wasn 't going to find the Book in time , which meant she was going to have another frustrating meal with the Hunter Prince . She just hoped he was over the roses thing from last night . She walked into the dining hall - - same one she 'd had dinner in yesterday , she noticed - - and found the Hunter Prince already there , standing next to the table , arms crossed . Netty crossed to her chair and sat . " And how was your day ? " The Hunter Prince , already filling his plate , stopped and tilted his head at her . " Really ? " he said . " Why not ? " Netty said . " You haven 't seemed interested in me so far , " he said , and tore a huge chunk out of something 's - - leg . It was probably a leg . " Oh , don 't worry . I find you fascinating , " she told him , unable to entirely repress a smile . " Of course you do . " He threw his chunk of mea ~ ~ ~ The Hunter Prince came to her door again as she readied for bed . His timing was uncanny , and she considered for a moment the possibility that he 'd bribed the grey women to tell him when she was changing . She tripped on the idea of what the grey women might want , though , and decided to tentatively file that idea under unlikely . She answered the door after she finished changing . He didn 't have flowers , she noticed , so at least he 'd learned from experience . He had wine this time , and two glasses . " Can I come in ? Just to share a drink , " he said . " I bet that line works on all the girls , " she said . He rolled his eyes , and she stepped back and waved him in . He walked in cautiously , obviously thinking hard , planning his approach carefully . Netty wondered if he hadn 't expected to get this far or if he just never thought very far ahead . Either way , she didn 't intend to allow his planning to get him anywhere , but she was still flattered . She wasn 't the kind of person who merited a careful approach . Or she hadn 't been , in her old life . Obviously , in the castle , she was . The thought pleased her enough to make her smile , and he smiled in return . He put the glasses down on the vanity and opened the wine . He offered the first glass to her , but she watched until he took a drink from his . " I doubt I could poison you even if I wanted to , " he told her . " So you 're telling me you don 't want to ? " she said , and sipped . " Oh , I do . And then I think about going through this all again with the next Hood , and I don 't anymore . " " I suppose the next Hood would be my younger sister . " Netty smiled at him , making sure to show a few teeth . " She 's a lot meaner than I am . " " Hoods , " he muttered , clearly swearing . " You 're telling me the Hunters are all kindergarten teachers ? " " I have no idea what that is , " he said , " but no . Hunters are not all any one thing . " " Well , then . " " The problem isn 't the cruelty , " he told her . " The problem is that you 're all so cursedly stubborn . " " I think you 'll find I 'm by far the most reasonable member of my family , " Netty said . " Oh , lov ~ ~ ~ On the third day she spent in the castle , Netty woke feeling like she was finally getting a handle on things . If that was actually the case , she thought , she 'd be impressed with herself : it had taken her two months to feel like that back in law school , and more than a year to feel that way once she started practicing . She felt a little edgy , too . She attributed that to the knowledge that she was going to spend the day searching more dusty libraries for the Book . She hoped it wasn 't the knowledge that without the Book , she really couldn 't stay here . She 'd find the Book , and then she 'd decide whether or not she wanted to stay here . She selected her own clothes and dressed herself . Given that her entire wardrobe consisted of black dresses , except for a few red plaid ones she wasn 't going to consider too closely , she didn 't think she really needed a grey woman to do it for her . As she did , she reflected on the Book problem . " You know , " she told the dress as she pulled it on , " you would think that , since my grandmother knew I 'd be stepping into this role sooner or later , she 'd have made the Book a little easier for me to find . " She shrugged - - obviously the ways of her grandmother were completely mysterious to her - - and plunged out the door for breakfast . And then she remembered that she couldn 't find the breakfast room without a gray woman , sighed , and called out . Still not the real Hood , she thought . She really hoped she wouldn 't end up having to have sex with the Hunter Prince . First , it made no sense that that would be how she claimed her power , that she had to take control of this land by submitting to someone from it . And , second , he looked like he 'd be fun in the moment , but he 'd be absolutely insufferable afterwards . She didn 't want to have sex with him until she 'd figured out how to wipe that smirk off his face . She laughed to herself . Then she told the grey woman , " Breakfast room . The wolves this morning , I believe ? " The wolves were already waiting in the breakfast room . She sat at the table , so that the food would come , and watched them eat . She still wasn 't hungry . As soon as their bowls of meat were empty , she said , " Shall we ? " The wolves rose and she followed them out . She found her heart beating a little faster ; she was almost flushed with the anticipation of being outdoors . " I must really need some sun , " she told the wolves . The trip through the woods was even better this time . The wolves ran flat out beside her , and she followed them without struggle , moving faster than she would have believed she could . It was amazing : the wind blew her hair back and made her eyes tear , the ground moved under her feet too fast for her to see , but she wasn 't struggling . She felt like she was flying . As soon as she thought it , her feet rose from the ground - - just a few inches , but enough to make the point . " I can fly ! " she yelled , laughing from the joy of it . " How am I flying ? " The wolves , still running , made no response , but she could sense their amusement . Afterwards , Netty and the wolves sprawled in the clearing , and Netty stroked the female wolf - - the wolf she 'd started to think of as hers . " I do need to find my power , though , " she said . You will . Her wolf sounded confident . You are . Netty considered this for a moment and then said , " What happens to you , if I do ? " The wolf just looked at her . " I mean , I 'm supposed to restore the balance , right ? What do the Hunters do then ? " Netty flinched . " I can 't let that happen , " she said . The wolf closed her jaws very gently on Netty 's hand . Lady Hood , the wolf told her , we are not pets . We are wild creatures , and we were born to play the game . A life without risk has never been our destiny , although it has been our lot these recent years . We will rejoice to return to the game as it was meant to be played . " But they 'll kill you . " The Hunters are not the only ones who hunt , the wolf told her , and Netty could hear the truth in her voice . The wolves were animals every bit as intelligent and cunning as the Hunters , and like the Hunters , they wanted - - blood . Netty flinched again . You cringe away from the knowledge , Lady Hood . But why do you think your Hood is red ? You keep the balance of the blood , not the balance of the trees . In the winters , they need our fur , and we need their flesh . Netty considered that , mentally adjusting her job description from something vague about keeping the peace and making sure everything was environmentally friendly to something more specific : keeping the bloodshed fair . Making sure that there was no underdog , that both sides fought fairly . Making sure that both sides got what they needed , but not more than that . I 'm not the queen , she realized . I 'm the judge . The role felt right to her . As she thought it , she could feel something settle on her , just as the Hood had that first night . She took a breath and the air felt charged , sparking , alive . Your power , the wolf thought , satisfied . " Now I just need to find the Book , " Netty said . Even as she said it , she felt the imbalance in her cloak : one side was heavier . She put her hand on that side and found a pocket she had never seen before . Inside , of course , was the Book . She took it out . " I took the power , and I found the Book , " she said . " The grey woman was right . " She opened it and looked at the first page , filled with notes , notes in what she suspected was her grandmother 's hand . " I 'll read it all later , I promise , " she said . " Right now , I need some facts . And some guidance . " She skimmed a page and saw the word " Iris , " but Iris wasn 't the question , not really . She flipped to the back and saw schematics of the castle , a blueprint that expanded beyond the edge of the pages it filled , twisting and turning , one eternal hall to fill a land and all its ways . But that castle wasn 't the point either . " The balance , " she said . " What about the balance ? How do I bring it back ? " She skimmed more pages - - something to do with dust , she 'd have to come back to it - - and more pages , passing mention of keys and locks and rivers , and then her eye caught the word favor . She read the paragraph . She read the page . She laughed and closed the Book . " I have to accept a favor to the Hunter Prince , as the representative of his people . " A favor , from a people to the Hood , was a symbolic sacrifice , a sign of the people 's submission to the Hood 's authorit ~ ~ ~ Netty dressed for dinner as for a court date , or a battle : a new sleek black dress , her longest , pointiest high - heeled boots . She opened the drawers of her vanity and pulled out the jewelry she knew would be there . She let the grey women do her hair , let them curl it and arrange it . Finally , she put on the Hood , tied its ties , and studied herself . She looked like a true Hood . Netty smiled and closed her eyes . She could see the castle in her mind now , could feel it stretching out in every direction , woven through the land , holding it together . She found the dining hall , where more grey women were laying the table , and twisted the space between . The grey women looked up at her as she appeared in front of them . She 'd hoped to see surprise on their faces , but they were as blank as ever . " Mistress , " said one of them , one she had begun to think of as Noxy . " Shall I inform the supplicant that the meal is waiting ? " " Please do , " Netty said . " I 'll just get started , shall I ? " She was ravenous . As she waited she tore into the food , astonished by how good everything tasted : like the first sip of apple juice after three days of stomach flu , like the darkest chocolate , the richest meat , the densest , yeastiest bread . It was so good , but so intense that she was full in minutes . She leaned back in her chair , smiling at it all . She was part of this land now , no longer moving like a ghost through her own castle . And the Hunter Prince was hers . If she wanted him . When the Hunter Prince entered , he studied her , and for a moment she saw a flicker of doubt in his eyes , rapidly replaced by his usual confidence . Obviously , he was going to need more of a show . The wolves were more subtle , more in tune . But then , it wasn 't the Hunter Prince 's fault he wasn 't . Not entirely . He 'd never lived under the balance , or under the true authority of the Hood . She smiled at him and gestured at his seat . " I see you 've started without me , " he said , sitting . " And finished without me , too . Tell me , Hood , are you always so . . . precipitous ? " " I would think that in myActions

Having so much fun " hiking " up Mt . Sanbe and Mt . Misen , I decided to try some real hiking . I would go up the little mountain that the Koriyama Castle Ruins sits on and the baby mountain that is Mt . Ozuchi . Mark was out of town so this would also be a solo hiking trip . While doing research on the trails and just hiking in general , I found out that hiking rule number one is NEVER HIKE ALONE . But … These weren 't big hikes . I would totally stick to the trail . And I would bring my cell phone with me ( a thing I am famous for not doing ) . Plus I would let someone know where I was going , when I was going to be there , and when I got back . Okay , I forgot to do that last thing . No one knew what I was doing , when I was doing it , or that I got back okay . I got to the parking lot of the Koriyama Castle Ruins . I found a post with some guide books inside . I picked up several booklets looking for one in English . Finding none I put all the booklets back and walked to the entrance . At the entrance to the trail I found a " Do Not " sign under the torii . I can 't read Kanji and I had no idea what the sign said . I stood in front of the torii thinking about what the sign was trying to tell me . I could tell , from the last line , that the sign was put here by the city of Akitakata . One of the Kanji in the second line could also be found on stop - signs . But that kanji could also mean , " don 't " or " stand " . So the sign could mean , " Don 't Enter " , " Don 't Litter " , " Don 't Leave the Trail " , or " Don 't Enter without Standing and Admiring this Awesome Torri first " . I figured that if they didn 't want me to enter , they would have put a chain gate across the path . They would have also not had free hiking guides . If the sign was about littering , there would have been a picture of a silhouetted person next to a train can . So , maybe it said something about not leaving the trail . I looked around for other hikers to see if the sign turned any of them away . My car was the only one in the parking lot . There were only 6 or so parking spaces . I was all alone . I turned back to get a guide booklet . Even though I couldn 't read it , the guide had lots of photos of things to see along the trail . That would at least help me know where I was . It is kind of spooky being the only person on a hiking trail . I knew I was hiking alone , as in I brought no one with me , but I didn 't think that I would be alone on the trail , just me and the bears . I passed a cemetery which only added to the creepiness . Twenty minutes into the hike and I found some moss - covered ruins . This moss gave the area a carpeted look . It was so beautiful . I walked around taking photos without having to wait for other hikers to move out of my shot . I took this as a sign of more picturesque things to come . I continued along the trail to head up the mountain and bumped into these two signs . I 'm not sure what the second one is all about . " Snakes in this forest love teddy bears . Wild boars love ladybugs . Monkeys have clean faces . And , deer love green tea . " That sign made no sense to me on any level . The first sign , however , was very clear . " Watch out for pit vipers . " I have been bitten by a pit viper once already . It was not in anyway fun . It was very painful and I lost my vision . For about two months I could not read or ride in a car without wanting to throw up . I started to wonder what I would do if I got bitten by another mamushi , the type of pit viper from the sign . I 've had several people tell me that one cannot survive a second pit viper bite . I don 't know how true that is . But then I saw this … Another pretty thing in the forest , pushed thoughts of snake bites aside . I would just watch my steps , keeping an eye out for snakes and other wild life . I headed up the trail hoping for more great photos . I should have just stopped near the mamushi sign . There was nothing of interest further on the trail . I spent 30 minutes climbing up to the top . The ruins of the castle on the peak were a rock here and a rock there . Plus there was no summit view . There was no clearing at the top to look out from . I did manage to find 2 snakes . One was very tiny . I thought it was a worm at first . It was kind of cute . The next one , I found when I was about to go off the trail to see if I could get a view of the city . I was about to step over a pile of leaves when something moved from under those leaves . Out popped a full - grown mamushi . I headed back down the mountain watching every step with heighten vigilance . I was the only person on this mountain . There was no relying on kind hikers to find me or by snake bitten body . Next I drove to the base of Ozuchiyama . I parked my car at , what I think is , an abandoned campsite and followed the trail . The hike to the top of Mt . Kori and back took about an hour total ; it was around 11 : 00 in the morning when I started this new hike . Something about this trail made me think that not too many people hike up this mountain . But as long as there was a clear trail I would climb over fallen trees and keep going further . After 30 minutes of hiking I got to the first reference point , the Takamagahara shrine . As I came out of the forest , to start my climb to the yellow torii on the hill , I found a startle buck . I looked at him and he looked at me . I thought , " One of us should be running away from the other . I hope it 's not up to me ; I 'm tired . " After a few seconds of this stare down , I pulled out my camera . The deer was a little camera - shy and ran away before I could take his photo . Many times on a hiking trail , I would come across hikers with bells tied to their bags . I found these people to be very annoying . The bells can be heard even when the hikers are far away . When hiking with a person like this 15 minutes away it can disrupt a quiet peaceful hike for hours . But at this moment , I understood what the bells are for and I wish I had one . If I were hiking with someone I would be talking with that person . Our voices would alert us to nearby wild life who would keep away . But , hiking alone , I was too quiet . I tried to make noise . I started talking to myself , but that felt too weird . Without thinking about it , I went from shouting to whispering within a few sentences . I started to clap . I would clap every now and then on the trail for the rest of the day . After the shrine I followed the sign back to the trail of Mt . Ozuchi . The trail was literally a long mound of dirt that had trail markers and pink ribbons to show the way . I walked for about 20 minutes on the mound trail when I found the next reference point , the turn near a water shed . I kept on keeping on . This time , I had to walk next to the mound instead of on it . There were trees growing on the mound , but there was a somewhat clear path next to it . There was no easily seen trail anymore . I only knew I was still on the path when I found markers , like the one in the photo above or a tree with a pink ribbon around it . When I had gone about 5 minutes without seeing a marker I looked around for one . I felt like I was just walking aimlessly in the woods . It was too easy for me to leave the trail and not realize it at this point . I headed back to my car . I would come back when I found a better trail to the top of this mountain . That night I found a new trail . There was a blogging hiker who made a drawing of the trail . From the drawing I learned that not only was there another way up the mountain , but I could drive to the hill - top shrine . It was a 3 - day weekend , so I spent Sunday resting up and tried the hike again on Monday . The trail was fine for walking . Most of it was black top that had been reclaimed by the forest . Everything was going well until I came to a fork in the road . " Which way should I go ? " The drawn map didn 't mention anything about trail options . It looked like there was only one path to the top . I picked the way that looked less jungly . I happily walked up the mountain contented that I had made the right decision . Then it happened again ; another fork . I chose one at random then made an arrow in the ground with my foot to mark where I had come from . I continued my hike until the trail just ended into untamed forest . I turned around and walked back looking for the dirt arrow on the ground . Then I went on the other path . It too didn 't go anywhere . I found my arrow again and went back down to the first fork then up the other path . This time the way looked promising . The trail even opened up a bit like it was expecting lots of hikers to come this way . It zigged and zagged like one would expect a mountain trail to . I looked at my watch ; I had been hiking for about 2 hours and at least one hour on this specific trail . Surely , I was near the top . I came to another disheartening fork . I had to choose which way to go . I looked at both my options . Then I saw something familiar . " Damn it ! Is that my dirt arrow ? " I was defeated for the day . I did not want to keep going in circles . I would try again , but I would take Mark with me . That way , if I died lost in the forest , I wouldn 't die alone . Twelve days later on a foggy Saturday Mark and I set out for the summit of this stupid frustrating mountain . We drove to the bottom of the hill the shrine sits on and climb to the top . It was a 5 minute hike and at the top , Mark took out his apple and was about to bite into it . There were a couple times when the thought of turning around danced in my head . But that started about 1 . 5 hours into the hike . I also knew that there was another way to get from the summit back to our car . So , overall , pressing forward was the better alternative to turning back . We kept on the path looking out for a faded sign pointing the way to Buddha rock , a monolith in the forest erected for some reason . When we found the sign it ambiguously pointed to a clearing off the trail . The sign looked like it had been there for a long time . Who knows if it was even still pointing to its intended direction ? But we knew we were on the right trail and that the path to Buddha Rock was somewhere to the left . We went left and couldn 't find a thing . There was no path . Mark thought he saw a monolith and ran down to check it out , but it was just some other huge rock . I walked around until I found a tree with a pink ribbon . " Hey Mark , I found something ! " The pink ribbon led to another pink ribbon and another that led to a rope . I held on to the rope and climbed down the step path . From Buddha Rock it looks like you are in the middle of thick forest . There is no evidence of any hiking trails or civilization near by . If you stand still and are absolutely quiet , you can hear nothing but the faint forest noises . It 's very creepy . Once back on the trail , the tower was only 10 minutes away . We found it and walked past it . The trail picks up on the other side of the tower . We started to walk along the black top road near the tower , when I noticed the bloggers in the photos were not on a paved road . We went back to the tower and walked along its fence to get back on the trail . We found Kuguriiwa , Passable Stones . Supposedly , even though the gap is very tiny , a full - grown human should be able to fit in the passage . My 5 ' 9 ″ frame could not . But , the hiking bloggers could . Then Mark tried his hand at Nariiwa , Sounding Stone . Nariiwa is the stone caught in a gap . It is said that if you can move it and get the stone to make a noise in so doing , you will have happiness . Mark tried with no luck . But , Mark seemed pretty happy just trying . This is where it would have helped if I could read Japanese . There is a written explanation on how to find the other trail down Mt . Ozuchi given by the hiking bloggers , but no pictures . There was a sign , but we could not find that particular sign . Mark was so convinced that the black top road we almost took earlier was the way down , I just followed him . I didn 't think it was right , but he was so sure , I second guessed myself . Besides , walking on black top is so much easier than walking on the obstacle filled path . That 's when we found the Bear . On our walk down the mountain we spotted a blue truck . Then we found a man working in a machine moving giant mounds of dirt around . We were going to just walk pass him with a simple , " Kanichiwa ! " But , he seemed so surprised to see us . He stopped us and asked us where we had come from . " Ozuchiyama , " I told him . He still acted like we had just materialized right before his eyes . I pointed down the road we were on and asked , " Takamagahara ? " I wanted to know for sure if this road would take us to the shrine near where we parked our car . He had never heard of it . I showed him my map and then the pictures of the blogging hikers . He kept shaking his head . " Oh well , " I thought . I told Mark that we should just keep heading down the mountain and hope for the best . Surely , this road would lead to our car eventually . The man would not let us go though . He got out of his dirt - mover and started his blue truck . He called for us to join him inside . We didn 't want to bother him or waste his time . A part of us wanted to tell him , " It 's okay . We 'll figure it out . " But , it was cold and rainy and we were very tired from all that hiking . He drove us down the mountain partway . Then we stopped and changed vehicles . We drove the rest of the way in a black kei - car . The drive down the mountain was long and arduous . I don 't think Mark and I would have made it off the mountain by nightfall if we had kept walking . The road dumped us out at some random place in town that I did not recognize . We hit a main road that looked sort of familiar . Then we passed a turn that I thought was the way we took to drive to the shrine , but I was not sure . The man took us to a lady 's house . She had an i - Pad and looked up this shrine we told the man about . She had never heard of it either . Sure enough , there was a shrine called Takamagahara up in the mountain . " Well , I 'll be ! " the man said in Japanese . He spent another 10 minutes looking for a road to get us to our car . She told me his name and she added " Kumoyama " . She switched to English . " Nickname … Mountain Bear . " She smiled and put her hands up curling her fingers imitating a bear . She laughed , " Nice Bear . " After driving around some more , we came to a place I recognized . I gave the Mountain Bear directions and he took us to our car . Mark and I were very lucky to find this Bear on the mountain . International ATMs are really hard to find ; more so if you aren 't in a big city . Many places in Japan do not use credit cards . Take cash and call your bank to ask what ATMs or banks in Japan will work with your cash card . There are free guide maps available in the little hut . ( Picture to the right . ) The information is all in Japanese , but it comes with pictures of stuff to look out for . We have been living in Hiroshima prefecture for two and a half years now . Mark and I visited Hiroshima a few times when we still lived in Kyushu . But , other than the A - bomb Museum and Peace Park , we haven 't seen any of the other tourist attractions in Hiroshima City . This particular Saturday , I had an appointment in Hiroshima . Since we were there , I thought , " Why not see some stuff ? " After my appointment , we drove to Costco for free parking . Parking at Costco is free as long as there are no baseball games at the nearby Mazda Zoom Zoom Stadium . ( That is its real name in English . ) When there is a game , Costco customers get 3 hours of free parking after scanning their receipt when paying for their parking . Baseball fans have to buy a parking pass to park at Costco or pay the ridiculous cost of $ 20 per 15 - minutes of parking . There was no baseball game that day , so we parked our car at Costco . Even though you 're not supposed to do that , Mark and I buy a lot of stuff from Costco . We buy all our electronics there , most of our fruit and meat , and almost all our cleaning products . They also have plenty of extra parking on non - baseball game days . So , I don 't feel too bad using Costco for free parking . Right outside the Costco there are several red electric bikes . They are parked next to a sign advertising them for rent . " Why don 't we take one of these bikes ? " Mark suggested . We looked at the instructions that were on the sign . To rent a bike , we needed a transportation card that we did not have . " Let 's go to Hiroshima Station and ask someone at an information desk there about this , " I said . We walked 20 minutes to Hiroshima Station and was directed to a Peacycle office nearby . We filled out some papers and paid 1 , 000 yen each . We both got a fully charged red electric bike and a map of the city . Mark was in a cultured mood that day , so he took off for the Hiroshima Museum of Contemporary Art . But first we stopped at a 7 - Eleven to get a couple bottles of water for our day of biking . We parked next to some other bicycles , turned our bikes off , and locked the back wheels . We were told specifically to be careful where we parked the Peaceles . " Be careful of ' No Bike Parking ' signs , " the Peacecle lady told us . " If other bikes are parked there , then maybe it 's okay . But try to find Peacele Parking . " Since there were three other bikes parked at the 7 - Eleven and it was a quick stop , I wasn 't worried . With our cold water bottles in our baskets , we headed up the steep hill to the art museum . It was very difficult . I got off my bike and pushed it up the hill . " So much for this electricity assisted bike ! " Mark , on the other hand zipped up the hill and I could barely see him anymore . Halfway up the hill , I looked at the handle of my bike to see how much power the battery had left . It was at 100 the last time I checked . The red - lit numbers weren 't there . " Wait a minute , this thing is not even turned on , " I exclaimed with relief . I turn the power one and set it to max . I got back on the bike and peddled . There was a strong tug up the hill . " That 's why Mark was going so fast . He remembered to turn his bike back on after the 7 - Eleven . " The ride up the hill was a lot easier . I still had to put some effort into paddling . But , it felt more like biking up a much less steep hill . In the museum we bought tickets and tried to appreciate some art . Honestly , I think most of the art there was boring . There were a few things I liked ; like a painting done with only thumb prints and one display of post cards . But , I personally , don 't have a deep love for art . I like living near art museums . I like that there are people around me who love art . But for me personally , I just don 't get art in general and I find most of it to be boring . On my first day back to work at one of my many , many schools , a coworker asked me about my summer vacation . I told her about my camping trips and asked about her holidays . She beamed with excitement , so much so that she forgot all her English . She mumbled something about a tower as she ran back to her desk . I sat at my desk wondering what was going on while she searched her bag . Then she pulled out a brochure and handed it to me . It said , " Hiroshima Orizuru Tower " . It was a new building near the A - bomb dome . Though , it calls itself a tower , it is only 13 floors tall . But , it offers a 360 degree view of Peace Park and downtown Hiroshima . In the " tower " there is a floor where you can use a touchless computer to make an origami crane . By waving your hands in the air in front of the screen , you can fold an origami paper somehow . There is also a gift shop on the first floor . I found a website that boasts that any Hiroshima related souvenir can be found there . The admittance fee was 1 , 700 yen . That 's roughly $ 17 US . In Japan I find that often vendors have an overly inflated view of the value of their product . This was such an example . Mark and I didn 't want to pay $ 17 to go to the top of an eight - story building to look at the same downtown Hiroshima that we 've seen hundreds of times before . The gift shop sounded interesting , though . We bike to the new building and was greeted by many " No Bicycle Parking " signs . We circled the building and found an underground bike parking lot , but it cost a flat rate of 500 yen per day . It cost 1 , 000 yen to rent a bike ; we didn 't want a 50 % parking fee . " What did the Peacele lady say about free parking ? " I asked Mark . Mark pulled out the Peacecle map . " She said that there were many Peacecle spots where we could park for free , " Mark muttered as he tried to figure out our current location on the map . Sure enough , there was a Peacecle spot across the street from the overpriced " tower " . The Hiroshima Orizuru Tower did look shiny and brand new . At the entrance stood four uniformed women handing out flyers for the " tower " . They were dressed like flight attendants . Mark and I each got a flyer and we walked in . Inside , we were greeted by ten more attendants . Some of them were about to hand us each a flyer , but stopped when they saw that some other attendants had already gotten to us . " Why are they advertising this building to people who are already in the building ? " I asked Mark . " Doesn 't it sound impressive to say , ' One hundred percent of the people I gave a flyer too entered the building , ' ? " " I have to admit , that 's some good statistics ! " I said . " But , maybe a ticket for this ' tower ' wouldn 't cost so much if they didn 't hire so many people to do such pointless jobs . " I looked around , not only where there about 10 attendants there , but there was also about 8 clerks too . There were all standing around waiting for someone to sell a ticket to . While we were there maybe 2 or 3 people bought tickets . There were other attendants waiting by the elevator and some by the roped off area . There were more attendants than tourists by far . We walked into the gift shop wondering what Hiroshimic surprises awaited us . I picked up the first thing that caught my eye . It was a very small , very cute jar of strawberry jam . " This is adorable ! " " It has a not - so - adorable price tag , " Mark griped . I looked at the price label ; 1 , 200 yen . " Twelve bucks for what is essentially 4 servings of jam ! ? " I gasped . I carefully returned the tiny jar to its spot on the shelf . I looked around the store . It was part gift shop part overpriced grocery store . You could buy things like silver pens that don 't say Hiroshima to highly overpriced jars of miso soup paste that also don 't say Hiroshima on them . There were expensive boxes of omiyage and Carp paraphernalia that did say Hiroshima , but most of the stuff in the shop could be bought at a grocery store for a lot less . We walked out of the " tower " feeling poor . I looked at Mark and asked , " Who buys anything from in here ? " " I don 't know . But if I had a friend who told me they went to Hiroshima then handed me a jar of miso soup paste , I 'd think my friend was a weirdo . " We went back down to the underground mall to look for a restaurant . We chose one that seemed very Japanese . I know , we 're in the middle of Japan . Even the Italian restaurants seem very Japanese . Once filled up with tempura , sashimi , miso soup , and other Japanese side dishes , we got back on our bikes and headed to Hiroshima Castle . Just about every city and town in Japan has a castle . They all pretty much look alike . When you live in Hiroshima prefecture , everyone asks you the same two questions , " Have you been to a Carp game ? " and " Have you see Hiroshima Castle ? " When I say , " No , " to both , I get gasps . If they were southern bells they would swoon right in front of me . It 's just un - Hiroshimic to have , not only , never been to a Carp game , but also to have never visited Hiroshima Castle . I might as well say , " I don 't drink water and I think sleep is completely overrated . " That would make more sense to a Hiroshiman than someone who just did not like the Carp and didn 't care that much about Hiroshima Castle . I don 't know if it 's because I 've been drinking Hiroshima water for years , but honestly , Hiroshima Castle was the best castle I 've ever seen in Japan . There are lots to do and see there . You have Hiroshima Castle itself , whose tickets are appropriately priced . There are the castle grounds ; they 're huge . Then there is a shrine . In front of the shrine is a little souvenir shop that sells specialty ice cream . I wanted to try the raw chocolate flavor and Mark wanted the sake soft serve . There was a long line for the ice cream , so Mark and I went to see what was going on at the shrine first . There were two cars parked on what looked like freshly raked pebbles . Whenever I see cars where I really don 't expect a car to be I like to exclaim , " I could have just parked here ! " But these cars were not illegally parked . I saw a Buddhist priest waving something on and around the cars . The cars were immaculately cleaned . They were either brand new or had been detailed . Their owners had brought them to the temple to be blessed . After witnessing the cars being blessed , Mark and I saw that the ice cream line was gone . We bought our ice cream and sat on a bench on the grounds . We enjoyed our ice cream cones in front of what was the military headquarters a litter over half a century ago . That building , which is only a few rocks here and there now , is partly what made the American 's want to drop an atomic bomb on it during WWII . Then we went to the castle . Pictures are not allowed inside . The only exception are the costume area and the lookout at the very top . At the lookout area we could see the Hiroshima Orizuru Tower . It didn 't look all that impressive . Our tour of Hiroshima was over . We cycled back to Costco and returned the bikes . Then we went inside Costco and bought a barrel of body wash , a crate of mangoes , and half a year 's supply of toilet paper . International ATMs are really hard to find ; more so if you aren 't in a big city . Many places in Japan do not use credit cards . Take cash and call your bank to ask what ATMs or banks in Japan will work with your cash card . Once you 've rented a Peacecle , don 't pay to park it . In Hiroshima city parking , even for bikes , is usually not free . But there are many Peacecle spots throughout the city . When you pick up your bike , take a Peacecle map with you so you know where you can park the Peacecle for free . Tom made plans to come to Japan for Festivus / Christmas since February 2011 . Last year , Mark stayed at Tom 's place a couple of times , while getting his visa for Japan at the Japanese embassy in Seoul . They also spent last Christmas together because Mark was having some huge visa issues . I think they even had a huge Festivus party where Mark aired all his grievances against the Japanese immigration policies . For the " something in our town " we took him to see Mount Aso . There is really nothing to see in Oita except for Park Place , the biggest mall this side of Kyushu . And yes , we did take him to see Park Place . There we ran into some of my students . I introduced them as , " my husband and a friend from Korea . " My students looked quite confused . Tom wanted to celebrate finally having money in Japan . Before he left Korea , Mark and I told him that getting non - Japanese bank cards and credit cards to work in Japan is very hard . But , he was running late when going to the airport in Korea and thought that he would just get some money at an ATM at Fukuoka airport . That did not work . He called his card company and they tried to help him , but the ATM he needed was not at the airport . He didn 't have any yen and could not even pay for a subway ride to the train station . He was stuck at the airport . Frustrated , he called me to tell me that he would just take another flight back to Seoul . That was when some lady , who overheard him talking to his card company earlier , handed him a 10 , 000 yen note ( equivalent to a hundred dollars ) . When Tom asked the lady for her address so that he could repay her later , she told him to , " just go to Oita , and later , do something nice for someone else . " For his next few days Tom had been calling his card company trying to figure this whole thing out . In the mean while , Mark and I paid for all his stuff . We weren 't sure if Tom would ever get any money in Japan . But , we didn 't care if he did . Tom had been so hospitable to Mark when they were in Korea earlier in the year . Then one day someone from the card company asked if Tom had tried the 7 - 11 ATM . We went out to try it , and it worked . Well , first Tom tried it and it didn 't work . Then he called the card company again and they thought about it and figured that Tom might have asked for more cash than the daily limit . After that it worked . Everyone put 1 , 000 yen ( ~ 10 bucks ) into their machine . Once it spat out a bunch of shiny balls into our baskets we started to play . Mark was the first one to lose all his money balls . He was out within 10 minutes of playing . I hovered the drain for about 30 minutes , then I was out . Tom - " I don 't know . That lady told me to hold this nob like so and tap this button like this . Balls just keep fallin ' out . " When Tom finally got tired of playing , or actually , when Tom started to lose , we stopped . We looked around for someone to help us turn in the balls . An employee ran over to us and poured his balls into a machine . It printed out a receipt . The lady pointed to another woman behind a counter . He gave the receipt to her . She handed Tom a red bean cake and a small case with some weird coins . Tom was delighted with his prizes . We were happy for him . Then a guy in uniform ran after us . We turned to look at him , wondering what was going on . I mentioned wanting to use the bathroom as we were walking out and thought that he was showing us where the facilities were . He took us through the casino and out a different door . There was no bathroom out that door , but he pointed to a little window . It looked like a teller 's window for a very shy clerk . All you could see was a pair of women 's hands . The uniform guy gestured for Tom to put his coin case through the window . The coins were taken and cold hard cash replaced it . Tom got 5 , 000 yen . He won actual money ! We went to the Itsukushima Shrine on New Year 's day . The shrine is on an island called Miyajima near the city of Hiroshima . It has an iconic gate where tourist gather to take photos . It is also a place where many religious Japanese go on New Year 's day to pray and ask god , or whoever for favors . It was beautiful and crowded ; so very crowded . We were just walking along one of the streets as the crowd of people gradually got thicker . We stood there for about 15 minutes slowly making our way forward when we realized that we were in a line for something . We had no idea what it was , but if this many people wanted to see it , it must be good . It ended up being the Itsukushima shrine itself . After this Mark and I and Tom split up . Tom wanted to take photos of things and Mark and I wanted to get some omiyage , or souvenirs , for our co - workers . It was nice , but because of the crowd we felt a bit intimidated . The Japanese are generally known for their politeness , but crowds are always the exception . We spend a lot of time hiding out in a nice , but highly overpriced well heated coffee shop . It was nice , almost empty , but the prices were steep . InternationalATMs are really hard to find ; more so if you aren 't in a big city . Many places in Japan do not use credit cards . Take cash and call your bank toaskwhatATMs or banks in Japan will work with your cash card . You can get a Japan Railway , pass which saves you a lot of money on the trains , but you can only buy it before you get to Japan and you cannot be a resident of Japan . ( I don 't have more information about it because I 've only ever lived in Japan . I 've never been a tourist . ) There are 8 Hell Onsens . Seven of which , are within a walking distance from each other . The other two are a bus or car ride away . Please ask at the ticket counter for bus information . There are 2 Route 57 's . If you get on the wrong one it doesn 't matter . They both basically * go the same place . One is just more windy than the other . 2 . Take the boat from Peace Park . It costs 1 , 900Yen on way . But , don 't toss your ticket when you get to the island . When you show your old ticket you will get a discount for your return trip ( 1 , 500Yen ) . There are tons of temples on the island . Most of them up hills . Some up the mountain . There is even one , Sankido , that warships ogres . There are lots of deer just freely roaming the island . There are signs that say that they love to eat souvenirs and passports . That 's sounds implausible , but you never know . This was my nephew 's first time going on any type of backpacking trip . Though it was a very short trip , it was still fun seeing him experiencing Japan . I think he enjoyed it because he kept running off the take pictures of stuff or to ask questions of passers by . The trip started out with us not knowing where the bus stop was . I knew which block the stop was on , but I didn 't know the exact location . Makeeya got a guy working at a nearby Starbucks to help us . We found it with plenty of time to catch the bus . We knew the departure and arrival time , but everything else was a mystery to be discovered along the way . When we stopped somewhere near Bungo - Takada for what I thought was a rest stop . We were actually waiting to board a ferry . The sea was rough and if I had looked out at the waves I could have made myself seasick . I went up stairs where the padded seat were and laid out to sleep . I could almost pretend that I was a baby being rocked to sleep by an overly aggressive mother . It was night by the time we got to our hostel in Hiroshima . We had to leave for Kyoto at noon the next day , so we wanted to wake up early to see the sights . We decided to get something to eat then go to bed early . No one there spoke English , but fortunately they had an English menu . It had all the dishes written in both English and Japanese . We picked what we wanted to order and pointed to it . The waitress would then look at the corresponding Japanese translation . It 's a great system . But there was a mis - translation in the drinks section . We all ordered the pomegranate - grape drink on the menu , only to be given grapefruit juice . We tried to explain to them what happened , but there was no use . I ordered Calpis instead . I am not a vegetarian , but many of my friends who are , have told me how hard it is to eat in most restaurants in Asia . When they ask what dishes have no meat the waitors usually recommends a chicken or seafood dish . The concept of not eating anything that has ever had a mother is complete baffling to many Asians . This is why many western vegetarians living in Asia quickly fall in love with some India / Nepali restaurant near their apartment . So before we went to the restaurant I , on my mom 's behalf , ask the hostel receptionist to write a note to the waitress . I asked that the paper say that my mom was vegetarian and will not eat chicken , fish , beef , pork , … Even with the paper , we still had trouble ordering my mom 's food . They read the paper and thought , " This must be a mistake . How is this even possible ? " We took a Japanese - style family room in the hostel . This meant that we would sleep on futons placed on the floor . The gang was delighted to try out sleeping in a traditional Japanese way until I told them that the accommodations would have them sleeping in the same fashion as they had been sleeping at my place . The only difference would be that now the sheets match . While on Christmas break during grad - school in England , I visited my sister in D . C . She took me to the section of the Air and Space Museum at the Dulles Airport . They had the Enola Gay on display . In case you don 't know , that is the plane that dropped the bomb on Hiroshima . I walked up to it and touched it . It was cold . It didn 't look scary like one would expect something that had killed so many people in such a short time would . It looked goofy and awkward as if it were hiding it 's true nature . I wondered how Enola Gay , the mother of the pilot , felt when she heard about her namesake . Did it bother her ? Did she wonder what on earth was her son thinking ? How would I feel if someone named a bomb dropping plane after me ? I was surprised at how things were portrayed . I 've visited many war memorials and monuments dedicated to fallen soldiers and civilians . There is usually some finger pointing that shows though . This one places no blame on anything other than the war . To me it said that it doesn 't matter who was right or who was wrong , having an atomic bomb dropped on your city for whatever reason , justified or not , is not a good thing for anybody and that peace should be more valued by every country . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

Naganmara came from way up in the north - he came from one of the islands . He landed on Cape York Peninsula , and then he travelled down west . When he travelled , he was all on his own . This man was a magic man , and as he came he followed the beach . When he stopped , a tree sprang up , and he named it a ngurum or casuarina tree . He travelled a bit farther and sat down , and another tree sprang up . He named that tree . As he travelled along the beach , all the trees that grow along the beach sprang up , and he gave them all their names . But he didn 't look back as he went along naming all the trees . Then he sat down , and looked back , and suddenly an island sprang up . ' Oh , there 's an island ! ' he said . ' I want trees to grow on that island . ' So he caused trees to grow , and grass . He went a bit farther and looked back again and another island sprang up , and then a line of islands . These are The English Company 's Islands . Well , this is where he sat down and counted the islands . He moved on a bit more , and he caused the water holes and the springs . He said , ' this is fresh water . This is salt water ' . He caused swamps , he caused long beaches . Then he said , ' these are cliffs ' . So he caused cliffs to come up and then trees to grow inland . And grass . Location map for South Goulburn and North Goulburn Islands He came on a bit farther , then sat down again . Then he looked back , and there were islands springing up . Lines of them . These are the islands that go out toward the Wessel Islands . Then he went along a bit farther . He was very , very interested in the way that things were going . He was very happy . So he decided to move on a bit farther . As he came down , he walked along the beach and found the beach all covered with shells . Shells had been washed on to the beach . He looked at them and he said , ' these shells must have names ' . He walked on and he crossed creeks , but before he crossed over they were just little trickles . he said , ' let these be big creeks ' , and then he said , ' let there be trees ' . These were different sorts of trees , the mangroves that grow along the creeks . And then he came a bit farther . He walked along the beach . He sat down . This magic man , Naganmara , travelled right through from Cape York Peninsula , right through to western Arnhem Land . That 's where he finished up . He was a powerful man . He could say something , and when he said a word , the things that he wanted , they happened . When Naganmara landed , he found people living on the mainland . He travelled down and he found different people with different speech - their languages were a bit different . The people saw Naganmara and saw the works that he did . They got very interested in him . They said , ' Nagamara , he must be a magic man . Or he must be something that has power ' . He travelled right down to the west of Arnhem Land , right up to Cobourg Peninsula . That 's where he travelled . He3 had met a lot of people . He once camped with a lot of people . They came to the place where he was camped . This was near Port Essington , or somewhere there in Yiwadja country . One day these people went out hunting , and there was with them a young man . He was very strong , very active . He got a lot of ' sugarbag ' , wild honey . And he ate and he ate till he was really full . So he said , ' I 'll cross this creek ' . He walked over with a lot of his friends . Everybody crossed the creeNaganmara was very , very humble . He did not show that he was a great man - he did not show that he could do something very , very great . But the people could see that Naganmara was humble and yet he was a great man . They all went back with Nqaganmara , they walked all the way with him , and at last they got to this place . The people could see them coming . ' Oh , there is that man coming ! Naganmara ! ' So the cry went up , ' Naganmara is coming ! Naganmara is coming ! The great one . He is coming ! ' Naganmara felt the people were praising him . He felt very humble . He did not want them to praise him . So he beckoned with his hands not to do that . He told them to all sit down . They all sat down . he came up to the father and mother of the young man , and all the relatives came round He gave them a little bit of a speech . He told them not to worry , not to do themselves any harm . He said he would try his best to help them . He asked them where the body was . They said they would show him , and all the people followed to the place where the body was . There Naganmara said , ' all you other people , I want you to go back home . I want only the father and the mother and the closest relatives of the boy to stay with me ' . So they stayed and all the others went back to the camp . They wondered what was going to happen , what this man was going to do . They wondered . They looked very hard . They kept looking down the path . Then they could see some people coming . I don 't know what Naganmara did , but this man was alive again . And the people saw him . They could see this young man coming back with Naganmara and all his relatives . The people were very happy . When Naganmara came into the camp , they shouted . ' Naganmara was a man who had great power . The parents were very happy . Very thankful . We don 't know when he died , but people have told us that Naganmara lived for many years . He did good for the people and he helped them . He did many kind things . In everything that he did , the people were very happy . Naganmara , a man with great power . That is the story ofMaking the long beaches See the long beaches . These long beaches , they say the jabiru bird made them . He walked a mile . Then he looked back . He walked on another mile , and looked back again . Then he walked another mile and looked back . And these long beaches , they say , they came because the jabiru kept walking and looking back . That 's why the beaches got longer and longer . but the beaches were all black . But jabiru had this other little bird following him along . This little bird we call guluwidbid . He is very small and when he runs his legs are very quick . This little bird ran along after jabiru . And as he went he had a firestick in his hand . He carried this firestick and it brought light , and it turned all the black sand to white . He followed the jabiru , and where the beaches were long and black he turned them white . It all became light . And that 's why the sands are white . It became light . See the long beaches , that 's where jabiru walked , and the sand is white because guluwidbid came behind with the firestick . This is a story of North Goulburn Island and a big giant . A long time ago on North Goulburn Island , Waira , there lived a man called Maiimaij . He lived on the east side of the island , and these people are called the Wara Narigi . They are Maung . A lot of people were camped on the east side at a place called Angalgein - that 's near Yurungdjurung , the big name for that area . One morning Malimaidj said , ' I will go and cut some string ' . These plants are what we call mariwi . It 's a creeper that grows in the jungle . People cut this creeper and scrape the hard stuff off and then beat it and peel it off . Then they soak it in water , or they bit it or chew it to get the sap out . Then they split the stems and dry them and make them into string . It was early in the morning when Maiinaldj went to cut this mariwi . He started off from Angalgein , walked along a path until he came to a beach , and then walked along the beach and went up into the jungle . As he came to the edge of the jungle , he saw this big Yumbarbar . A great giant . Maiinaidj was afraid . He was trembling , he was so frightened that tears were coming out of his eyes . He stool there . He did not know what to say . The Yumbarbar got up and said , ' what do you come here for ? What do you want ? Do you want a fight ? Maiinaidj just looked at him and shook his head . He felt he couldn 't fight this giant . He was too frightened to speak . The Yumbarbar handed him a club . He said , ' here 's a club for you . We will fight . And we will see who is the winner , who will win this fight ' . So the two of them started to fight . The Yumbarbar stood above Maiinaidj . And Maiinaidj looked like a little ant beside this big tall Yumbarbar . The Yumbarbar got his club , he swung it . He hit Maiinaidj and Maiinaidj fell to the ground , just like a piece of paper . But the Yumbarbar did not want to kill him . He just wanted to hit him little by little until he died . That 's what he did . He hit Maiimaldj little by little . Malinaidj was on the ground . He was out of breath , he didn 't dare to look . He held his breath just a little bit , in case the Yumbarbar would see him breathing . Then the Yumbarbar dropped his club . He looked around and Maiimaidj quickly grabbed his club . He got up and he swung this club , hit the Yumbarbar 's two big balls ( testes ) . His two balls were very long and nearly touched the ground . When Maiinaidj hit his balls , the giant came down . He fell to the ground . The ground shook . All the people at the camp heard the ground shake . They could hear somethThe first thing they did was to pull out his two eyes . When they had pulled out his eyes , they went and got some wood . They made a great heap of wood . Stacks of it . Then they put all the wood on top of the giant and set it alight . They burned him . In the early days , they often used to burn the bodies of people when they died . Now they say it 's too cruel . They say it is too cruel for the people who are watching . The relatives don 't like to see the body burning . After that they used to put the body on a platform and later collect the bones . Or they would bury the body . But today , if you go to North Goulburn Island you can see these big stones there . They say that these are the bones of the great Yumbarbar that Maiimaidj killed . The stones are there , and they are the bones of the giant . Then , of the two eyes they pulled out , one they sent to the east so that people there could see an eye of this Yumbarbar . They took it a long way and showed it to many people . As a payment , these people from the east sent back lots of presents . They sent dilly bags , spears and fishing nets . They made drum nets for them . They sent back red paint , red ochre , that we call gurud . All these things the people from the cast sent because they wanted to repay the people for showing them the eye of the Yumbarbar . But the other eye , they sent that to the west . The people took it down to the west and from there it was traded to the people of Macassar . That 's what they told us . They took this eye back to Macassar . The people there had never seen anything like those eyes before . They sent back presents to the people of North Goulburn Island , the Wara Narigi , because they were pleased that these people had shown them the eye of the big giant , the Yumbarbar , that Maiimaidj had killed . And you can see his bones up at Waira on the east side . The caves of Ngalungalu This is a story of a man who was living in the country at the top of the King River . This man had two wives , and they were sisters . One day he said to his first wife , ' I think we will go on a long journey . We will go imurg [ that is , to the east ] ' . His first wife said , ' yes , let us go . but what about our little boy ' ? Her husband said , ' he can stay home with his grandmother . Your sister , my wife , can look after him and my brother will be here . He can look after him ' . So they gathered all their things together and went away to that far country in the east . They had relatives there . When they got to it , they stayed , because a lot of this woman 's relatives were living there . She was very happy , and they stayed for many months . While this man was away with his wife , his second wife was living with his brother . He wasn 't supposed to live with her , buthe did . He was a lazy man , he wouldn 't hunt . He wouldn 't do anything . He wouldn 't chop wood and he wouldn 't get water or look after the little boy . He just slept all the time with his brother 's wife . The grandmother used to do their hunting . Bring in the water . Bring in the wood . Look after her little grandson . This went on for a long time , and the old woman got very tired . She said , ' I 'll destroy this man , I 'll do something ' . She thought of a plan , of what she would do to him . One day when she went out hunting with her grandson they gathered yams and some bandicoots , goannas and wild honey . When she came back , she said to herself again , ' I 'll do something to this man ' . She gathered a lot of bark from the stringybark trees . She brought in a big bundle of it , but she didn 't let this man see what she was going to do . When she came near the cave where they were camped , she hid all the bark . Then she went to the cave . She said to her daughter , she said , ' get up and have something to eat . You don 't do any hunting , you or your husband . You two are just sleeping all day . You don 't deserve anything . Come and eat ' . So she gave them something to eat , but all the time she was still thThere are many places that are djang . On Croker Island , where I am now , there are a lot of djang . Not many on South Goulburn Island , but there are some very important places on North Goulburn Island , but there are some very important places on North Goulburn Island and in our country on the mainland . In the past something happened there , and then people say the place is djang . It might be the earth mother or the Rainbow Snake , Ambidj , that caused the djang . Many places are like this , and people say we shouldn 't go to them , we shouldn 't touch anything there or something bad will happen . One djang place on South Goulburn Island is on the east side up toward the north . There are two little points there . The first one , the one to the south , it 's all right for people to go there , but the other one is a djang . People can 't go into that area , they have to walk around the beach . This lace is called Iwanimadjiriwu . Iwani mans he or it is here , and manjiriwu is the name of the djang : ' mandjiriwu is here ' . My father told me the story about this place . A man went to cut cane in the jungle near Mangrove Point . He was told not to cut cane at this place , Iwanimandjiriwu . But he did . Suddenly there was a big wind and a storm and the sea started to rise . It nearly covered the island . Some of the people went over to the west side to a place called Amaunu , where there are some hills , and others went to the mainland . They stayed there , and after about four or five days they could see the water going down . They went back , but now they hold this as a sacred place . There are rocks near the beach and trees growing there , and the cane that is growing just there , we are not allowed to touch it . It is djang . Just near the Mission station on Croker Island there is a place where they get the water for the settlement . It is called Black Jungle now , but the people say there is a djang there . We call this place Banigurudalg - it means , that 's where the crab is . They say that a lot of crabs caused this jungle , that the crabs came up ; there and mWell , I have told you about some of the places that are in our country and in the country around . Some of them are njunjug and some are djang . And , as I said , some places like Langa are djang and njunjug too . Wherever we go , we know the stories about these places , and we know whether we can go there and what we can do . We know about how all these places were made , and this is something that our people have told us about what happened in the past - all these special places . The people know that they should keep these things , because the things that happened in the past , they are important to us . In the country around Hall Point in Junction Bay there is an important place . This is the country of the Maindjimaidj people - the people of my mother and her brothers . They all come from there , and this place we call Mandjulug is a special place . Farther on into the bay from Hall Point , a big stone stands up , just like a pillar . It is a very important place because it is a djang for the maralin and a djang of mandjulug . The people say that this is where the maralin stopped . It came travelling all the way from Blue Mud and this is where it stopped , near Hall Point . This place is also called Duga Lara - that is , just the area when the Mandjulug is . And there is another story about5 this place and some other rocks that the people call Gumalan Arawir - that means , the place where the didjeridu stopped . Once there was a pack of dingo coming down from the top of the Gumadir River . These dogs were following a hollow log . The hollow log was in front , and the dogs kept going along after it . The log was really a didgeridu . In Maung , we call this arawir . It was making a long low noise , like ' beeb . . . beeb . . . beeb . . . ' The dogs were following this noise , but they couldn 't catch up with the arawir - they just kept following . As they were going along they were forming the river , that is now called the Gumadir River . The dogs kept on chasing but never catching up with the arawir . They kept on going until they got down nearly to the seaWild dog and kangaroo A wild dog and a kangaroo got together , and sat down under a gum tree to have a talk . The kangaroo said that he wanted a picture of himself . So the dog said to him , ' I want you to paint me . I want you to paint a picture of me . And I will paint me . I want you to paint a picture of me . And I will paint a picture of you ' . The kangaroo said , ' all right . We will go out to the bush together ' . And the two of them set off . I don 't know what they looked like then , but I think they looked very different from the way we see them now . They put the bark on the fire and made a straight and flat and then they scraped it . They prepared it just the way people do today when they make a bark painting . Then they said , ' we will go out and get ochre . some red paint and some white clay . And some yellow paint ' . They went out and got these things . They dug in the ground and got white clay and the red stuff and the yellow stuff . They brought it back and and they soaked it . Then they did the mixing . They mixed the white clay . Then they mixed the yellow , and then the red . They stirred and stirred and they made it look like real paint . Then they sat down . The dog said , ' I 'll paint you ' . With careful eyes he looked at the kangaroo . He said , ' sit up ! Sit up straight ' ! So the kangaroo sat up very straight and the dog got his hair brush and started to paint . He painted the body , then he painted the head , and then he made two ears and then the face - the eyes and the nose . He went down a bit lower and made his mouth . Went down a bit lower , and put on his front legs . He made them a bit small , like you see on a kangaroo , more like arms . Then he made his belly and his back . Painted it . Then he painted a tail , a long tail , and his hind legs . He made them long . Then he made his feet . He made everything . Then he was finished . He said to the kangaroo , ' now then , just go away a bit farther ' . The kangaroo hopped away a bit . The dog said , ' stand up ' ! So the kangaroo stood up straight . Then he said , ' now you look like this painting ' . When the kangaroo saw the painting of himself , he said , ' aha , you are a very good painter . That just looks like me ' . Then he said , ' I 'm very , very pleased about that . Now , all the kangaroos that come after me will look like this painting ' . The dog was very pleased too . He wagged his tail . He shook his ears . He licked his arm . Oh , he was very , very pleased . He showed his teeth , that is to say that he was smiling . He said , ' now , I am a good painter . Everyone will talk about me . They will all say that I am a good painter ' . He sat down and he thought for a while . hen he said to the kangaroo , ' well , it 's your turn now . You have to paint me . You have to paint a picture of me ' . he kangaroo said , ' all right ' . He got his bark all ready , scraped it , and got sandpaper leaf and smoothed it all down . He made it very smooth . He prepared the bark very carefully . Then he got his ochre all ready . When he had finished all this work , he was ready to start painting . He said to the dog , ' now then , stand up ! don 't look straight at me . Turn yourself sideways ' . So the dog did that . The kangaroo sat down . With careful eyes he looked at the dog . And this is how he painted the picture . Very carefully . He painted the head , and then he made two ears . Then his face , his eyes and his nose . He went down a bit lower and made his mouth . That 's how he painted . Then he sat down for a while . The dog asked , ' aha , are you getting tired ' ? But the kangaroo said , ' I 'm doing a very good job ' . The dog asked , ' can I have a look ' ? The kangaroo said , ' no , no you can 't . Later on I 'll show you ' . he dog said , ' are you doing a good painting of me ' ? The kangaroo said , ' yes , I am . Say when you are ready and I 'll go on ' . So the dog said , ' I 'm ready ' . He got up and asked , ' the same way again ' ? The same way again . The kangaroo painted the dog 's body , right down . Painted his tail , and then he made his front legs . Then his back legs . Then he looked at him . ' This looks like a real dog , but I 'll have to paint his lower part the other way . ' So he made his lower part , just below his belly , and then he made his two balls at the back of his legs . And he said , ' all right , have a spell . I 'm just finishing off the colour ' , just like a dingo . After a while he said , ' I 'm finished now ' . Dog said , ' are you ' ? ' Yes , ' he said , ' I 'm finished . ' The dog asked if he could have a look , and the kangaroo said yes . The dog came round to have a look . Everything was all right , but his lower part was underneath his belly . He said , ' look here . hat 's not right . I haven 't got my lower part under my belly ' . He said , ' you 're wrong . You painted me wrong . And now my lower part will be under my belly and my balls will be behind my two legs ' . He said , ' now then , you have done something that makes me angry ' . He showed his teeth again , but this time he was angry . he kangaroo got up . He was frightened , he was shivering . His two front legs started to get smaller and smaller . The dog said , ' I 'm going to bite you . I 'm going to kill you ' . He sprang up to kill the kangaroo . He was angry . The kangaroo hopped away . The dog chased after him . He chased him and chased him . Up and down hills . Up on the rocks and down again . Into steep valleys . Across creeks . He chased him and chased him and the kangaroo got tired . He was tired out . But the dog was determined to kill this kangaroo . ' Because ' , he said , ' from now on I 'll have my lower part under my belly . And that is something that is not very nice . He shouldn 't have done that . I painted him very well . I 've given him a very good painting . I 've given him a real painting . But when he painted my picture he did it wrong . I 'm going to kill him ' . And so he did . When the kangaroo got tired , the dog sprang up and grabbed him by the throat and there he held on and wrestled him . He said , ' now I 'm going to get you ' . AThis is the story of Dugong . Dugong was once a man and he lived on the land . He had a lot of relatives and they all lived together . They were people who wanted to live together . But Dugong was a very disobedient young man . He thought he knew everything . He did not want to be told what to do . Some things that his parents used to tell him he did not take any notice of , because he thought he was wise enough to go on his own . It is true that in our Aboriginal way , when a young man is about twelve or thirteen , he is supposed to know himself what he can do and he can do what he likes . He can go hunting on his own , or go fishing or go out in the bush . This Dugong said , ' they don 't allow me to go anywhere ' . He said , ' I 'm going on my own ' . He remembered that there were some fruits in the jungles that his parents had told him not to eat . They said they were poisonous and would make you sick . One day , when he was out hunting , he saw this tree and it had fruit on it . But this fruit was very dry . You could open the skin and inside there were some nuts . These nuts taste something like peanuts . Dugong was very happy . He said , ' ha - ha . Now I 'll sit down and have a food . I know my parents and other people have told us that we are not allowed to eat these nuts ' . This tree , I don 't know what it is called in English , but in Maung we call it inmulwabi . * If you touch the nuts , you will get very itchy and scratch and scratch and make big sores . Dugong sat down . When he had picked a lot of these fruits he sat down on the ground . He said , ' now I 'm going to have a good feed ' . He opened the fruits one by one , and he found several nuts inside each one . Generally there are about twelve or thirteen nuts inside one skin , sometimes more . He looked at the nuts . He said , ' this is very good , there 's nothing wrong with it . I 'll sit down and eat ' . As he was eating he could feel himself itching , so he started to scratch . He scratched and scratched and scratched . ' Oh ' , he cried , ' I think I 'd better leave off , better stop scratching myself . He was still busy eating those nuts . He ate and ate and ate . At last he had finished the nuts . But he could not stand the itching , so he got to his feet . He started to rub his eyes . His eyes were getting swollen up . And his eyelids were closing in . He could just see a little bit of light , an little opening . He said , ' this is very bad . I 'll wash all this itchy stuff away ' . He ran quickly down to the sea and he washed himself in the water . But as he washed himself , he could see that it was not good . He was still itchy . His yes were still closing up . He wondered what was going to happen to him . So he dived right into the water , the salt water . He thought he would get the itchy stuff off if he dived right in . When he came out he looked like a dugong . He said , ' oh dear , I 'm not a man any more . Oh , my head and my legs ! I haven 't got any feet . I haven 't got any arms . I 'm a funny looking animal ' . And he thought to himself , ' ah , this is not good enough for me . I shouldn 't have disobeyed . Well , I can 't help it . I am a dugong , a sea - cow . I live on seaweed and grass that grows in the sea . That 's what I am going to live on ' . He swam right away . This is the story of dugong who was once a man . It tells you not to be disobedient . Not to disobey people who are wiser than us when they tell us something they think is good for us . If we are disobedient , we will find something that we will be very sorry for . And this is what the dugong found . He was very sorry later , when he turned into a dugong . Now there are lots and lots of dugong in the sea , down in the sea . That is the story of the dugong . * Commonly called kurralong tree When w are not hunting , and at night we sit around the camp fire , the old people tell us many stories . Many times as we sit around the fire on a clear night I have heard this story told when somebody , one of the children , asks why the stars twinkle . Our people tell this story about the stars . In our Aboriginal customs , we say that the stars are all females . One time , a lot of women all went out in the bush together to dig some yams . These were the long yams that we call garwulug . They are the same yams that the old Neinggu singer , Balilbalil , has made a song about . This is a famous song that people sing , but it is his song because he made it . He is a famous songman and a painter . Well , the story goes , as I said , that these women went out with their digging sticks to gather garwulug . They went into the bush and they had to dig and dig . They had to dig about four feet down to get these yams . They dug and dug , and some were lucky and others were not . They all came back to their camp and started to cook the yams . Those that had got yams , they got them ready and when they were finished they started to eat them . They were eating and chewing away at the yams . The other women who hadn 't got any yams , said to one another , ' what are we going to do ? We didn 't get any yams ' . They felt very ashamed that they couldn 't get any yams . Then they said , ' we will live up in the sky where people will see us ' . But the other women said , ' we want to live u in the sky too , where people can see us ' . They said , ' we will join you up in the sky ' . Suddenly some magic thing happened and turned all these women into stars . And so now you can see them all up there in the skies . some are twinkling and some are not . The ones that are still , they are the ones that came back to the camp without any yams . but the ones that twinkle , they are the ones that got yams and they are up there chewing their yams . When you see the stars on a clear night , you can see which were the lucky ones and which were the unlucky . The stars are all women . These yams , the guAmbidj - the Rainbow Snake This is a story that was told of North Goulburn Island , Waira . It is about the east side of the island , where a lot of people were camped . These were the Wara Narigi - they are the people of the eastern side . The people of the west are called Muruon . They are two lots of people , but they are all Maung . Some of them speak a little bit differently , but they speak Maung too . There was a little boy on the east side who had no father and no mother . He had a grandmother , and she looked after him . She did all the work for him . I don 't know what hat happened to his mother and father , but I think they were dead . One day the grandmother went out hunting , and brought back a lot of yams and water lily roots . She got the yams from the jungle and the lily roots from the billabong . The little boy saw what his grandmother had brought . He felt very hungry . In our Aboriginal customs , when a man and his wife have died and leave behind a little child , that child is called nomalaidj . And they say that nomalaidj children are always looking for something that they can 't get . It is different when the parents are alive , the children play around and they know that if they want something they can go to their parents . With orphans , they feel that they can 't get everything they want . This little boy wanted everything . He asked for food and his grandmother said to him , ' later on you will get your food , but be patient because I am going to cook it now ' . And straightaway she made a big fire and cooked the yams and the lily roots . The little boy was very impatient , he wanted the yams and the lily roots at once . The grandmother wouldn 't give him anything raw to eat . She said , ' wait ! Be patient . You 'll get your share ' . The boy sat down and cried and cried and cried , till the sun went down . When the grandmother gave him something to eat , he wasn 't satisfied . He wanted more . Of course , she had to share her food with her relatives . The little boy got his share . but he wanted more . So he cried and cried . The sun went down , it was very dark . A pitch daAmbidj heard the crying and came up above the water and decided to go over and see what was happening . The people could hear the big waves and the big breakers were roaring . The people heard this noise , and said to the children , ' keep quiet . Keep quiet . We are in danger ! They couldn 't make out what it was , but they could see the flames out on the sea . They said , ' somebody told the orphan to keep quiet and he wouldn 't . He kept on crying and now the Rainbow Snake is coming ashore ' . So he did . First , when he got ashore it was the orphan boy that he went for . Ambidj swallowed up this boy , and then with his big tail he dragged all the people into the sea and just swallowed them up . Not one by one , but the whole lot at once . No people were left on the east side of Waira , only on the west side . Later on , the people of the west side , the Muroon , wondered why they hadn 't seen any of the Wara Narigi . They said , ' we will go over and see our friends on the east side . What might have happened ? no - one has come over to see us ' . These people were always visiting one another and taking things over and getting things to bring back . But this time they waited and no - one came , so they decided to go over . And so they did . When they got to the camp , it was about sixteen miles across to the other side , they couldn 't find anyone . but they could see big scales , like big fish scales , on the shore . Then they said , ' a Rainbow Snake has come up and swallowed them all ' . They were very , very frightened . They went straight back and told the other people what had happened . They all thought that the Rainbow Snake might come and take them too . They get their bark canoes , and they got together their spears and their stone axes and all their things - all their fighting weapons . They decided to go to the mainland and find safety there . So a fleet of canoes started off from the west side of the island and went straight across to the mainland . Now it seems that this Amnbidj had floated into Sandy Creek . He was too full to move - he was full of people . HThis is the story of the crocodile , how he became a real crocodile . He was a man once . There were a lot of people , and they were all going to cross a creek . There was only one bark canoe and the creek was too dep to cross any other way . They could only take a few people over , but this man wanted to go , and they wouldn 't take him in the canoe . The others said , ' no , we won 't take you . There isn 't enough room ' . They pushed him out of the way . he got very angry . He said to himself , ' what will I do to these people ' ? He was annoyed . He thought , ' they have done something to me . I don 't expect them to do that to me . They should have taken me in the canoe ' . So he went up the river a bit farther , to the place they call Aniwunggalainyung . He cut down an ironwood tree . Then he got the roots , he dug them out and cut them off . He burned these roots of the ironwood tree . Then he got the skin and he beat it . He beat it , and it made a sort of pitch . Lainjung ( lainyung ) - that 's the same pitch that we use to fasten on the head of the womera ( spearthrower ) , and to join spears together . It is a very hard pitch , and once it is set the top won 't come out at all . Well , this man took the pitch and put it on his nose . After that , he wriggled a bit . At first he thought he would be a snake , but then he decided that he wanted to get down to the creek . so he did . He got into the creek . And there he found that he was a crocodile . He said , ' now I look like a crocodile . What will I do ? I will go and eat up those people who are just crossing the creek . They refused to take me over . Well , I am going to eat them all ' . he swam over to where the people were . They could see something floating on the surface of the water . They cried out , ' hey ! what 's that ? Hey ! what 's that ? There is something strange there in the water coming toward us ' . The crocodile got down under the water for a while . In a short time he came up again . Then he got down under the water again , stayed under for a while and came up again . It wasn 't very far to where the people were . SoAnd now this crocodile , you can see him up in the sky . If you look up in the sky at night you can see him there and you can see the bark canoe crossing the creek . And there is the crocodile coming toward the bark canoe . That is the story of the crocodile , that our people used to tell us round the fire at night . THE SPIRIT WORLD People say that the spirits of babies come from the east . They say that the spirits of the dead go to the west , but they say too that they go to an island in the north . It might be where the Macassans live . We are not sure where the spirit comes from or where the place is that it goes to , but people always believed that it went to the spirit world . They believed that this place was somewhere , but they were not sure where . They believed that it was a very lovely and happy place and the spirit stayed there for ever . The Maung , the Yiwadja and the Walang people believe that it is the man , the father and not the mother , who first finds the spirit of the baby . It might be when he is out hunting = - it might be at a waterhole or a billabong and the man says , ' that 's where I found a spirit and I gave it to my wife ' . Iyaliyal ( or , lalial ) - that means the place where the man finds the spirit . Or it might e that a man finds the spirit out in the sea when he is out catching turtles or fishing . The people say that the father has seen the spirit of the baby . Or that the spirit of the baby comes to the father and he takes it . Sometimes the men out fishing with him do not know that this has happened . The father doesn 't say anything . He waits . When he goes back to his camp , he gets a clean tin or a clean bailer shell that has never been used and he puts some clean , cool water into it . He gives that to his wife , and tells her to drink it . She drinks the water ; but she keeps the shell or the tin and puts it away somewhere . About two or three days after that , she tells her husband that she is going to have a baby . He says , ' you know that when I gave you that water , the spirit of the baby was in the water ' . Then the other people say , ' yes , we saw you giving your wife the water . We know that you are right ' . Our people believed that the body and the spirit were different , because the spirit might come to one man or it might go to another . The man whose wife is going to have a baby , he will say that the spirit came to him first becauseidji , uncle . He told me this story , and I don 't know whether they went to this island or if they went to Indonesia . Anyhow , this is the story he told . There were two canoes of Maindjinaidj men who set off from Guion Point , on the mainland in their territory . They were big canoes , the kind we call lambiri , and the leader of these men was my idji ; his name was Djargala . They wanted to go to Waruwi , South Goulbutrn Island . They set off , and they paddled and sailed . They kept on going and going , and they felt that they must have missed their way . As you know , this island , the Unknown Island , cannot be seen in the day because they say it is under the sea , but at night it comes up . so these men were still sailing when night came , and they saw some lights . These lights were on an island , but they thought that it couldn 't be Waruwi because there were such a lot of them . They decided to sail on . They were trying to go past this island , and then suddenly their canoe landed on the shore . People , a lot of people , came to meet them . The Maindjinaidj men told them they had gone off their course and landed there by accident . The people of the island said , ' there is nothing wrong with that ' . Then they said , ' come along with us . You must be hungry ' . They took them all into one house and brought them food - yams , turtle meat and all sorts of food , they brought . The island people counted how many men had come in the canoes , and went and brought a wife for each of them . They told them they were welcome to stay on the island for as long as they wanted to . Every day , people used to being a lot of foods for them . They used to take them around and show them all the places , and other villages that were on the island . They said that the people spoke two languages , Manaanggari and Ilgar . One day the Maindjinaidj men got together on their own . They said to each other , ' I think we are trapped . We cant get away ' . As soon as they did anything that seemed as though they wanted to leave , there would be one of the island people there and in no tiOne night when everybody was asleep , everything was quiet and still , the men made a plan . There were no lights . The wives were fast asleep . The men got up one by one , each one woke another up very quietly . They all sneaked down to the beach . They had put everything ready in the canoes . They got into the canoes , and without making any noise they were off . They sailed all night and all day , and at midnight they came to North Goulburn Island . A lot of people were living on North Goulburn Island , but these men decided not to land there . They wanted to get a lot farther on , because they had a fear that someone might come after them . They sailed on , heading for South Goulburn Island . When they got to this place we call Alwambi , a camping place on the east side of Waruwi , they were very , very happy . They felt safe . They went around from there to Wighu , McPherson Point , and showed the people there the things they brought back from the Unknown Island . They had rice and coconuts and different kinds of fruits . They had materials and knives and axes and tomahawks . When they saw these things , the people of South Goulburn Island thought they must have been to Macassar . This is the story that my idji and some of the other men used to tell . Djargala told me himself . The last man who was on this trip , died sometime during the war . This idji was very kind to my sister and my brothers and me . He called us gainjung , like children of his full sister , although he and his sister had different mothers . He told me this story . I don 't know if they really did go to the Unknown Island , or if this was some other place . I think they might have been to one of the islands in Indonesia or somewhere . Why the dead never return This is a story about ningdarbug and gurana . Ningdarbug is a little animal that lives in the bush , it 's like a spotted cat . We call it a spotted squirrel , but I don 't think it 's really a squirrel . Gurana is the moon . Once these two had a fight . I don 't know what they were arguing about , but the squirrel got very angry . The squirrel ran for his club , and the moon ran for his . They came out together . The moon swung his club . He hit the spotted squirrel and knocked him unconscious . He lay there on the ground for a while and then he got up again . Then it was his turn . He swung his club and hit the moon . The moon fell down to the ground unconscious , for a little while . Then he got up again and swung his club and hit the squirrel and knocked him out . Then the squirrel got up again and swung his club and hit the moon . The moon lay on the ground . Then the moon got up again and he swung his club again . He hit the squirrel and knocled him down . He lay there . Didn 't move . Then the squirrel said , ' I will die , and so will all the people who come after me . They will die . Same as me . They will die once , and that is the end of them . They will never come back to life again once they die ' . Then the moon said , ' I will die , but only for a little while , I will come back to life again . I won 't die forever ' . He asked the squirrel , ' what are the people going to do ? Are they going to follow you or are they going to follow me ' ? The squirrel said , ' no , the people will follow me , not you ' . And that is why , when we die , that is the end of us . We don 't come back to life again . The moon said , ' I won 't die forever . I will come back again ' . So every time when we see the new moon we think , ' oh yes , he 's back again ' . We remember the fight that the spotted squirrel and the moon had . In the story , the moon said , ' I will die , but not forever ' . but the squirrel said , ' I will die forever and so will all the people ' . When people die , they follow the spotted squirrel , they can 't come back . Only the moon can come back after it has died . This is the story This is a story about what I would call a devil . It was a spirit . I will call it a spirit . Anyway , this spirit was out hunting and at the end of the day he was going back to the cave . That is where he lived with other spirits . Some of them were good spirits and others were evil . Near this cave there was a camp of people , and one of the men from this camp was out hunting geese . He had a long stick . He climbed up a tree , and as the geese passed under the tree , he would knock them down with the stick . This is what our people do . We call this stick namaduru . Someone would stand at the foot of the tree and collect the geese as they fell down . The man climbed up the tree and he knocked the geese down with his namaduru . As he knocked them down , the spirit came by and heap . He thought , ' I 'll wait until this man comes down , and then I 'll show him all these geese . He might let me have one ' . The man knocked down a few more birds , and when he had finished he threw down the namaduru . It is a very long thin stick , about thirty feet long . Then he came down from the tree , and when he saw this devil , he was very frightened . He thought , ' I 'm in trouble now ' . But the spirit said to him , ' don 't run away , I won 't do you any harm . I 've come here to help you ' . He said , ' I 've picked up all these geese for you and they are over there in a heap . You can pick them up and take them home ' . Then the spirit thought that he would like to invite this man back to stay the night with him . So he asked him ' would you mind coming to my place and camping the night with me ? And then in the morning I will let you go to your own camp ' . The man was a bit afraid , but this spirit seemed different and he had a bit of confidence in him . So he agreed , he said , ' all right , I 'll come and camp the night with you ' . So the two of them picked up all the geese and went back to the spirit 's cave . When they got near the cave , the spirit said , ' don 't let my wife or any of the other spirits see you . Even my wife and my family , they are evil spirits . They will kill you if they see you . But I won 't let them see you ' . The spirits in these caves . When this spirit went out hunting , he used to just blow with his breath , breathe on the entrance of the cave and it would shut . When he came back , he would breathe on it again and the cave would open . He left the man there at the entrance . He hid him in a corner , and went in to his wife . He gave her some of the geese , saying , ' cook all these geese and give them to our families and have a good feed ' . Then he said , ' I feel very hot in here - I think I 'll go just outside and sleep there ' . So he went outside and stayed out there with the man , just inside the entrance where the others couldn 't see them . In the morning when they got up , he blew on the entrance and the cave opened . As the man was going , the spirit said to him , ' remember , when yo9u go , bring back a lot of people , to come and kill all these spirits because they are evil spirits ' . then he told him this story . ' Once I was a man like you ' , he said , ' and it happened that one of the spirits got me and took me away . This was when I was a boy . Ever since , I have been kept in here , and I grew up amongst all the evil spirits . That 's how I became a spirit and lived in the caves . So go back and bring a lot of people here , and they can kill all these spirits . These manja ' . The man listened to him and then went back to his camp , and as he went Mimi are very shy spirits and during the day they hide in the caves . They make up songs . some men who have hidden themselves from sight have heard these songs that the mimi make , and they remember them and sing them to the people . The mimi have dances too . We say that they go away in the wet season , and when people look across from Goulburn Island and they see dust rising in the hills they say that the mimi are back and they are dancing . They have a special dance that they do . There are many spirits and , as I said , they are not all evil . We have signs that the spirits are about . Like the bat we see flying around is a messenger for a blind manja or evil spirit . When we saw a bat flying around , the old people used to say , ' look at this bat , he is looking for fire to take back to a blind sprit , an old spirit who can 't see ' . He is what we call manja dja bunjigarlu - that is , spirit that ( is ) blind . People throw coals from a fire , just throw them away , an d they say the bat will pick up those coals and take them to this spirit . hey say the bat looks like his master the manja . His face and his wings and his claws , they are just like a bat . Well , if you come across an evil spirit , it might look like this bat .

I always look forward to weekends , especially since I 'm a " grown up " . Those two glorious days , I get to do what I want , when I want to do it . Those are " MY days " . I love sleeping in late , lounging in my pj 's , relaxing , and taking my time getting ready . Last week , I struggled . When I say struggled , I mean , cried most everyday , questioned Sley 's love for me , freaked out over the smallest things , and needed reassurance that Sley would never leave me . It 's a wonder the man is still with me after last week , especially Saturday ! It 's not public knowledge ( well , I guess it is now . . . ) , I live with Sley . Something happened ( which for now , I will choose not to explain ) , and now I live with him . We have lived together since the end of April . Everyone has their own opinions on this matter . I had my own opinion before I moved in with him . There are certain circumstances that arose that caused me to make my move . Gossip if you wish , delete me from facebook , move your mouse to the X at the top right of the screen . It simply is what it is . I was really looking forward to Saturday . I had not slept good all week due to my insecurities , and honestly , I thought not having to get up early for work this weekend would make all the difference . Boy , was I wrong . After Sley took me out to eat Thursday for my " free anniversary " , I thought I was all good ! I had not cried at all Thursday and it was actually a very good day for me ! I ended the day talking to my soon - to - be ex sister in law and snuggling up with my man . Friday , Sley 's alarm clock went off . Any normal day , I feel him get up and I quickly go back to sleep . Friday , I felt him get up and I got up right behind him . Back when I was with Brandon , he would get up early and go get on his phone with " whoever " while I was still sleeping . Sley had gotten up earlier than normal ( due to my snoring ) and decided to go ahead to Hardees ( where he goes every morning ) . See , I cling to normalcy . The instant something changes , I freak ! I got up behind Sley and questioned him , shedding a few tears , explaining my fears . Sley tells me everyday how much he loves me . There is NO REASON , whatsoever , for my insecurities with him except for the fact that I was burnt last time , with Brandon , and had been made out to be a FOOL ! Sley is so so so understanding and is willing to do whatever it takes to help me . Friday goes by , I hang out at my friend / co - workers house ( Sley 's cousin ) and Sley worked on his cousins farm after work . I came home , chatted with my man for a few minutes , then went to sleep . The weekend was finally here and I couldn 't wait to just wake up whenever I wanted to on Saturday . The only plans we really had were that Saturday night . Sley needed to get his tires changed Saturday but didn 't plan on getting up too early . Saturday morning arrives and Sley gets up at 6am . I wake up when he gets up and freak out , again . Actually I wake up PISSED ! I tell him my insecurities . I tell him I 'm scared he is going to cheat on me . I tell him I 'm scared he is going to wake up one morning and not love me anymore . He reassures me that it 's never , ever going to happen . He tells me that he loves me more than I will ever know and that he has never been with someone who cared and loved for him as much as I do . He heads out to run errands and I get up to watch tv . Friday night , we didn 't go to bed until after 1am so I was TIRED . That morning set the tone for the whole day . To say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed would hit the nail on the head . He got back home around 9am . By that time , I was in the living room , reading a sad blog , crying my eyes out . I go get back in the bed and just cry . He comes into the room and holds me and we end up falling asleep . I thought when I woke up again after a nap that everything would be better but again , I was wrong . I was a pouty , whiney 2 year old . Bless his heart , Sley deserves so much better yet he still loves me at my worst , and when I say my worst , folks , its down right UGLY . By this time , it 's lunch time and I havent had anything but coffee all day . We get up and he asks me what I want to eat . I reply , " where are we going , Wilson or Zebulon ? " in which he replies , " whatever you want . " I never choose . I always tell him I don 't care . Well that day I cared and said , " Chickfila or Cookout . " We get ready and he says , " you want to go to Bojangles ? " UM NO ! " We can go to bojangles , that is fine , but don 't ever ask me again what I want . . . I told you what I wanted , which never happens , and none of those choices included going to Bojangles but whatever . . . " lol Yes he still loves me , no he didnt kick me out , and yes , we went to cook out . . . I said all of that and he never got mad . . . he actually joked and said , " nuh uh ! we don 't be catching a attitude up in the Whitley household . . . " Gah I love that man . Anyway , we get lunch , go to a local church 's Halloween get together , then head out to PF Changs for dinner . All went well and dinner was ah - maze - ing ! After dinner , we are all given a fortune cookie . I expected the normal , " Set your goals high " kinda fortune but that night I was delighted when mine read , " You will get what your heart desires . " I thanked God right then for such a sweet note and reassurance . We went to Cheesecake Factory after dinner and got a slice of heaven each to take home . We headed home and I turned into the 2 year old monster , again . Ugh . I would start something , go to the bedroom , stew , then come back in the living room for more . I don 't know what my problem was ! I don 't know why I was so out of it on Saturday . I 'm normally not like that , at all , but goodness I was such a biatch I couldn 't even stand MYSELF ! The whole time , Sley doesnt raise his voice or anything . He tells me he loves me no matter how ugly I am and holds me in the end , promising me he will never leave me and that it 's going to take more than this to push him away . Ya 'll , I have a good man . Sunday morning , I got up being myself . Thank God ! Sley went and got breakfast and woke me up when he got back and had my breakfast waiting for me in the kitchen once I got up . While I was eating , I asked Sley if I needed to go get professional help . I knew Saturday I was BAD and I didn 't want that to happen again . He said , " No Andrea ! You have been through a lot . I would be the same way if I had gone through all you have been through . " and that 's where we left it . Thank you all so much for the prayers yesterday ! They were definitely felt ! I had so much peace in my heart all day yesterday . I can 't explain it . I went to work and had a great day , came home and had dinner with Sley and his cousins at a local mexican restaurant , then came home and talked to my ( soon to be ) ex - sister in law . It 's so nice to be able to continue to have a relationship with Ashley and her husband Justin . They were my strongest advocates the whole time Brandon was cheating on me . So many times , Ashley tried to convince me to leave Brandon , telling me I deserved better , and we still joke about it , how she tried to tell me ! I didn 't want to end my relationship with Brandon because I was scared to be alone and I didn 't want to lose such good friends , even though they both tried to reassure me , countless times . It 's also so nice being with a man as understanding as Sley is . It doesnt bother him that Ashley and I talk and when we meet for dinner , he is happy to be in good company . I wish I could put into words how much I love that man . I am at a point in my life where I don 't need a man but I sure am glad I have him . He holds my hand and kisses me right when I need it . He is so sweet and I know if I had not been in such a bad relationship with Brandon , I wouldn 't appreciate Sley as much as I do now . If things go as planned , November 5th , Brandon is meeting me and I am driving us to the courthouse where I will file for divorce and he will get served . He is also coming with a notarized form stating he is waving his 30 days . If they accept it , I could possibly be officially divorced . . . the next day . I asked Brandon if he could pay $ 100 of the $ 230 it 's going to cost to file and ofcourse he says , " I can 't " so I 'm stuck with the bill but it 's ok , that will be the best $ 230 I will have ever spent . Once I got out of Lauren 's car and shook the water off my feet from stepping into the puddle at the church , we headed in . I walked into a classroom where I would be transformed into the princess I had imagined myself on my perfect wedding day . Paige had brought me a sausage biscuit to force down while Anna , my sorority sister , was doing my hair , and Tracy , my long time confidant , was doing my make up . Excitement was in the air as all 10 of my bridesmaids were furiously getting dolled up for my big day . I sat , getting pushed and pulled which way , wondering what my soon to be hubby was doing . I had written in a card for him and told him I hoped he would do the same for me , as I told him stories of other brides getting jewelry and such from their soon - to - be husband . I send the card with my ringbearer and my heart dropped when my little messenger came back empty handed . Not even a note on a napkin . I should 've known then how selffish he was but surely I couldn 't back out now ! I was an hour away from walking down the aisle in front of my 20 + wedding party and 250 + attendees ! My family had put too much money into making my dreams come true to just throw it away . If I was going to call it off , I should have done it by now . It was too late . Mom came in with my wedding dress and the photographer was there taking pictures of all of us putting our finishing touches together . I told myself , " I am not going to be that bride that once she gets in her wedding dress , has to instantly go pee . . . " Well , it happened , but worse . I got in my dress and had to pee . I had started my period that Tuesday and thought I was done but apparently I wasnt so not only did my best friend Paige , my big sister in my sorority Heather , and my future sister - in - law have to help me hold my dress as I peed , but also had to witness the insertion of a glorious tampon ! bahah ! Once the fiasco of the potty incident was taken care of , we were all wisked away to the sanctuary where we took pictures before the wedding . We rented a church down the road from my parents house . It was huge and absolutely beautiful ! The aisle didnt split down the middle ; there were 2 aisles , so I went down one with my daddy and came up the other with my husband . All the pictures were done except with bride and groom together so it wouldn 't waste time getting to the reception . Pictures were taken and people started arriving . I always wanted a picture of me and Brandon , back to back at a wall or door , so the photographer brought him to me . As soon as I touched his hand , I started crying . I was nervous and still disappointed from that morning . I knew in my heart it wasn 't right but I don 't give up . I could make this work . One picture was taken and I had to get my make up touched up by someone else because Tracy was singing in my wedding and had already sat down . One of my bridesmaids had a nerve pill so I took that . Michelle , my sorority sister , had been alerted on her way to the wedding , of my meltdown and brought a 40 of Bud Light in the room we were in . I 'm not proud but looking back I chuckle . We nonchalantly shut the door and passed it around . Everyone partakened , even my mom ! haha We line up , and each bridesmaid is escorted down with a groomsman , one by one . Dad walks beside me and chuckles , " you still have time to run . . . " If only I would have taken him up on that . . . . It was my turn . We slowly walked down the aisle . I remember everyone looking at me but I just needed to see Brandon 's face . I needed to see his face for reassurance . I needed some kind of sign . I finally caught a glimpe and just focussed on making my way to be with him . My bridesmaids and I all wore our rainbow flip flops so I had to make sure I didnt trip ! Dad gives me away , forgets to kiss my cheek , comes back for a peck , and wah lah ! Next thing I know , we are hitched ! Once we take pictures , we go to the reception , where EVERYONE is waiting for us . We had to park right at the door in the grass and there was hardly any room to even get in the door ! The keg was empty when we got there but someone did end up saving us a half of a cup each . We danced , we talked , we took pictures , we cut the cake . It was all a blur . I never saw the ice sculptures and never got to eat a morsel of food . Next thing I know , we are getting told it was time for us to leave ! ! ! Everyone blew bubbles as we got into my car that had been graffitied and had beer cans tied to the back . We headed to my grandparents house where I got out of my princess gown and got into a tshirt and stretch pants . We went to my parents house where we had a " after reception party . " BEST IDEA EVER . The DJ came , we had another keg and lots of liquor , and a bartender ! It was so much fun just being laid back and listening to the music . My wedding was beautiful . The bridesmaids dresses were gorgeous , my dress was out of this world , and the sunflowers that the girls walked down the aisle holding , were breathtaking . The day I had dreamed of had come to an end and I couldn 't wait to see what the future held for Brandon and I as husband and wife . . . Today I sit reflecting on 4 years that have gone by . There were happy times and for that I am sad that there had to be such bad ones . Today snuck up on me . It wasn 't until yesterday afternoon that I realized Brandon and I would 've celebrated 4 years of marriage today . I cried last night ; not because I would ever want to be back in such an awful relationship , but because of what a terrible waste of what the good times were . I am so unbelievably happy with Sley . I couldn 't ask for a better man in my life . He is so understanding of this whole process for me and is so supportive of my feelings . I can 't wait for what the future holds with he and I and I can 't wait to share with ya 'll ! So after Brandon left , I entered a very dark place . I remember everything but I don 't remember much about the month of November . The day I left work early and told Brandon to meet me at home , I got Dixie , took her to my parents and headed back to wait . I waited and waited . Brandon wouldn 't answer my phone calls so me being desperate , I called Traci . She went off on me when I asked her if Brandon was with her . At that point , I didn 't care if he had gone to see her , I just wanted to get this over with . Later that afternoon , Brandon pulled up . I was sitting outside around the firepit we had just recently bought . By that time , I was second guessing my sudden bravery of telling him I couldn 't do it anymore . When I got home , I had it planned out what I was going to say and such but by the time he got home , I was a huge puddle of nerves begging for my unfaithful husband to stay ! How was I going to make it by myself ? We had acquired so much debt ( mostly me buying things to try to make him happy / stay / not cheat ) that I could not pay for everything by myself ! I was so scared . I don 't like things that are out of schedule . I like knowing exactly what I am doing and getting myself into . I like preparation . I had NO IDEA what was going to happen to me ! Brandon got out of the car and came to sit with me . He showed no emotion . No matter how much I pleaded to work things out , he wanted out . All he said was , " Andrea , it just didn 't work out ! " He told me he didn 't love me anymore . My world was closing in on me . I went inside and took my wedding portrait off the wall , the picture where I was so happy , so innocent . I helped him bag up some essentials . He called his family and told them he was coming home . He asked me if he could take Dixie , that I had Ranger and he had nothing . I told him this was his choice , he was leaving us behind ! He shed a few tears trying to change my mind about who got Dixie and once that didnt work , he left . I got in the car and headed to my parents . I walked in the door to my parents house , numb . I went straight to my parents bedroom and fell into my daddy 's arms as I wailed . I had kept it together for so long and I couldnt do it anymore . Two weeks before , I told my parents everything . I knew my marriage was coming to an end and I needed my parents . My mom was livid . My dad was angry but knew his little girl was hurting and was more worried about me . Victor couldn 't talk about it . So many times before I told my parents , I went crying to Victor , all the while he just listened . He couldnt look at me and the more I told him , the more I saw his fist clenching . The day Brandon left , we all knew it was coming but didn 't know exactly when . The next day , I went to work , and surprisingly , I held it together all day . It was weird not calling Brandon or texting him throughout the day . My coworkers were there for support but the less I talked about it , the less I got upset . I came home that day and we headed to my dad 's side of the family for my cousins wedding . As soon I walked in the door to my parents house after holding my anguish in all day , I lost it . I walked in the door and just fell apart in the kitchen . My bags were already packed , courtesy of my mom , and all we had to do was get in the car . I was given a nerve pill and finally calmed down 10 minutes in the trip . We got to my aunt and uncle 's house . They were forewarned of what was going on . The next morning , my mom , aunt , cousin , and I headed to a nearby sunflower field to get decorations for the reception . It was beautiful ! We headed to the barn where the reception was going to be held and we decorated and ran home to change clothes . The reception was a big pig picking with a DJ and a dance floor . While in the buffet line getting my dinner , my cousin asked where Brandon was and all I could do was shake my head as a tear drop fell . I wasn 't eating much , I just didn 't have an appetite . I actually quit eating before Brandon left when he told me the reason he didn 't want to have sex with me was because I was too fat . As I sat down with samples of food , mom slipped me another nerve pill and I tried to swallow down everything that was on my plate . Later in the evening , I had moved tables to sit with my mom and another cousin . The bride and groom had cut the cake and I was trying to force down what I had on my plate . My cousin looked at me and said , " where is Brandon ? He not do weddings ? " and I just looked at her as tears began to flow and simply stated , " no , he doesn 't do me . " I kept eating with hot tears streaming down my face . Mom starts crying as she explains to my cousin , who is utterly embarrassed , what happened the night before . Mom doesn 't cry but she couldn 't take me being upset anymore . One minute I was fine , the next I would fall apart . That night I tried to get drunk . I tried drinking my sorrows away but no matter how much alcohol I consumed , the pain was still there . That is really all I remember about November . Paige , my best friend , tried to talk to me but I didn 't want to talk to anyone . She texted me and said that she wasn 't good at this stuff , that she wanted me to know she was there for me but she didn 't want to push too hard . I woke up , went to work , came home , and went to bed , everyday , and if my mom was lucky , she got a spoonful of food down my throat . Since I wasn 't eating , mom made me take vitamins . I moved back home because honestly , the last thing I needed was to be alone . Days passed , Brandon came to retrieve more of his belongings , and somehow I made it . Finances were handled through my lawyer . I met with Brandon to figure things out . He kept acting like he wanted to get back together and then when he got my hopes up of having my husband back , he crushed me again . I went to get my hair done by my sorority sister who had gone through something similar not too long before me . She mentioned one of her friends that was a guy who she was going to set me up with . He was a teacher and nerd . I was excited ! It had only been a month since Brandon had left but I needed to get out of the house . Numbers were exchanged and we decided to meet for dinner . Going on a date was hard , and awkward , but it helped me a lot with my self esteem . Things didn 't work out with this particular guy but it was nice to get back out there and keep my mind off of things . A few months later , my friend at work 's cousin would come into where I work all the time and flirt with most of the girls . He never really talked to me and I didn 't have time for his nonsense , plus he was very cute and I never thought he would ever give me the time of day ! All that changed when a few weeks later , my friend came in and told me that Sley , her cousin , had asked about me . I gave her my number to give to him . The next day was Valentine 's Day . Ugh . My first time being single since 2006 . I was currently dating a guy I had gone to college with but I knew it wasn 't going anywhere , especially when I found out he was moving that next month . Sley came into the bank that day and I was flustered ! I never get embarrassed ! Before he left the bank , he said , " youre going to be my valentine ! " and walked out . I joked with my friend and said , " ha ! then where are my flowers ? ! " After vacation and meeting Traci and Jeff , things went downhill , FAST . I tried . I tried so so hard . I told her my insecurities . I told her me and Brandon 's past . I tried being friends with her . I tried " keeping the enemy close . " The thing was , she and Brandon are exactly alike : lying manipulators . It 's hard to see it when you 're in the middle of it but now , it is so crystal clear to me . . . I got super played . I wish I could write everything that went down and maybe one day I will ! but it is still too fresh for me and I still haven 't soaked it all in yet like before . Maybe because I still don 't have all the facts , maybe because he still denies it , or maybe my subconscious won 't let me process it all because I can 't handle it . I try to gather it all to write and it is just one big blur of screams , tears , lies , and me just being a broken , needy , manipulated dumb ass fool . Brandon has played a lot of folks since all this went down . He has been with countless girls ( probably behind Traci 's back ) but once a cheater always a cheater ! I don 't know what makes her think if he left me for her , what is going to make him stay with her ? I am so much better off and had Brandon not left me , I would still be in that mess . After the texting incident with Lauren and the " whatever " with Elizabeth ( to this day , I still don 't know the whole truth of what happened . . . I know they kissed and he swore that was all except he said that he accidentally touched her chest while rolling up the window on her side in his truck for her . . . 1 - he has automatic windows . . . 2 - he has a control for the passenger side window on his door . . . but I refused to argue it because my heart couldn 't take the truth ) , I had changed . The same night I took my rings off and put on the coffee table in front of Brandon after finding out he had cheated on me again with a teenager , he got on his knees in front of me and begged me to put the rings back on , swearing his fidelity to me , again . I was empty . I felt like I had no choice . I didn 't want to be alone . I vowed for better or for worse . My chest was pressing so hard on my heart it was hard to take one single breath . I prayed for death . The next day , I told my brother everything . He never said a word , he just walked out . I told Brandon he was going to apologize to Victor , face to face , like a man , since he couldn 't be a man to begin with , much less a husband to me . I came home from work that day and found Victor and Brandon sitting on the front porch step talking , the same front porch step I sat on the night before , wondering how I was going to wake up the next day . Days passed . I continually needed reassurance that there wasn 't going to be a third time . For the first month , Brandon was more than sympathetic to my insecurities and my frequent outbursts and questions . I became depressed . On weekends , I would sleep half the day away . I stopped doing laundry . I stopped washing dishes . I would not help him with the dogs . In my mind , he wasn 't a husband to me , so why should I be a wife to him ? I continued to watch him and check his phone . It was so stressful having to babysit a grown man 24 / 7 and it was hard to trust him over the smallest things . I felt like I could not leave his side . I continued to gain weight . I had no self confidence and found myself looking to Brandon for whatever self worth I did have . I am a touchy / feely person . Just a simple touch , hug , a holding of hands , makes my heart full . Brandon used to do all of these things before we were married but it soon ended . I would tell him what I needed , even bought the 5 love languages book , but he wasn 't willing to put forth the effort . He simply stated , " that 's not me " . After Lauren and Elizabeth , I started depending on sex to make me feel better about myself and our marriage . I never understood why he did not want to have sex with me but wanted relationships with everyone else . It made me feel worthless . Every time he would tell me , " not tonight " or " I am too tired " , it hurt my feelings and made me wonder where else he was getting it from . Every year , we would go to the beach with my family for a week in May . Brandon , loving to fish , would go to the pier everyday . Last year , before dinner , he and my brother came home talking about their trip to the pier that day . They had met this man and woman . The man was deaf and the woman knew sign language . They weren 't a couple . The woman , Traci , was married and the deaf man , Jeff , lived with Traci , her husband Carl ( who was also deaf ) , and their daughter Shana . They lived in a town 30 minutes away from the pier and came every night just to fish . That eased my mind a little . I went the next night to meet the new found friends . They seemed really nice ! Surely a married woman with a child wouldn 't want to break up another marriage ! Traci was about my height , with dyed reddish hair . That night , she was wearing cute sandals with capris and a dark brown carhardt jacket . Jeff was skinny , with shaved blond hair , and a distinct gap between his 2 front teeth that would show as he was signing to Traci . I was easily mesmerized as I watched them communicate through sign language . That night on the pier was the last night of our trip . Brandon exchanged numbers with Traci and Jeff , then we headed back to our cottage . I thought it was harmless . I didn 't really enjoy pier fishing and it was something Brandon liked so I thought it was good for him to have friends that like to do the same thing . When we got married , he blamed me when he lost contact with his friends from his hometown because he had to move . If he would 've been a man , he would 've prepared our home , but again , it was left up to me to do . Luckily , my family owned a single wide trailer and renovated it for us to live in . Brandon picked me up from my grandparent 's house for our 1 year anniversary date . I knew he had a ring , I just didn 't know when he was going to give it to me . I had my speculations it would be that day but I had been wrong before and I didn 't want to get my hopes up again . I had no idea where we were going that night . He always made me do all the work for our dates , choosing when and where , but I wanted tonight to be special . I wanted tonight to be a surprise . I wanted HIM to put forth a little effort . - - - - - Valentine 's Day that year , I went above and beyond . I typed up 100 reasons why I loved him , cut them into mini confetti , and put them in his card , where I wrote him a letter telling him how lucky I was to have him in my life . I also set up a scavenger hunt for him to find his gift . Once he found it , I cried . I put forth all this effort and he acted like it was nothing . He gave me a card , " love Brandon " , and a teddy bear . We got in his truck to head to dinner and he had nothing planned . I cried again . Every nice restaurant around had at least an hour long wait and he had an hour drive home where he couldn 't be out too long . We settled on Wendy 's . I was disappointed , to say the least . On the way to my unknown destination , I get a phone call from my parents . Mom proceeds to tell me that Brandon had come up to their house , before he picked me up at my grandparent 's house , to ask permission for my hand in marriage . Buzz kill . I couldn 't believe it , the one time I had no idea what was going on , someone had to ruin it . I quickly hung up the phone while Brandon tried to play the incident off , saying it might not be tonight . We pull up in the same movie theater parking lot that we first met , just one year ago . Same place , same date , same time . Brandon tells me to sit tight and gets out of the truck . He hands me a scrapbook . I open it and tears begin to flow . In this scrap book I find movie ticket stubs , pictures , notes , and cards from the past year . All little memories he had kept . I couldn 't believe he did this for me . I was impressed . On the last page , he had written me a letter . By this time , he was crying and when I looked over at him standing beside me with my passenger side door open , he drops to one knee on the asphalt and asks me to marry him . - - - - - This was the day I had been waiting for my entire life . Half of my " needs " were met . So what if his proposal was in a parking lot and not some fancy restaurant . So what if I knew it was coming . So what if I had seen red flag after red flag , like the time he got me a build a bear but said they " mispelled my name " on the certificate so he just gave me the bear ( in my mind , I firgured it was for another girl but I looked the other way ) . . . no one is perfect right ? Once I graduated highschool , my mom had been on my back about getting a job after college and getting married . She always threw it in my face that she was married by the time she was 21 . I know she didn 't mean to pressure me but there was always that constant reminder in the back of my head telling me , " I need to get married , asap . " I didn 't want to spend the rest of my life alone . I was scared of being by myself . Apparently , Brandon was as good as it was going to get and I didn 't need to miss this chance of having someone . Ofcourse I said yes . I was so wrapped up in everything . It was so easy to ignore the red flags from the past , like the lies he had told me about the " other girl " on our first date , the way he had already started to manipulate me when he would get caught in lies when the " other girl " would call , when there was a diamond ring , that happened to be my size , dangling in my face . Brandon had planned nothing else for the evening , SHOCKER , but I was in such a daze and dreaming about my wedding so much , I didn 't care . I made calls to friends and family to let them in on the news . We ate at a cute little italian place near by and headed to Brandon 's family 's house to tell them the news , then made our way back to my grandparent 's house . I couldn 't wait to plan my dream wedding . I came straight home and made an engagement page on theknot dot com . I immediately started looking at dresses and themes and colors and cakes and magazines . I was bound and determined I was going to have the perfect wedding , besides , the perfect marriage comes from the perfect wedding , right ? We continued to talk / text for the next couple of weeks , sharing stories of our past , hopes of our future , and decided we could wait no longer , we needed to meet . I knew my family would FLIP if they knew I was going to go meet a stranger man I met online , so I told no one . Smart . It was a Thursday afternoon and I headed toward a local movie theater . We met in the parking lot . I pulled up toward the back and didn 't see the truck he described to me . I think to myself , " Great . He stood me up . Maybe it 's for the best . " Just as I am about to leave , I see his red truck turn into the parking lot . - - - - I dated a really sweet guy one summer . Well really , I met him one time , we kissed , and then I never answered his calls again . I was shallow and judged him by his car . It was old . And " granny looking . " Huge Mistake but I was immature . Brandon drove a loud , red , 2003 Dodge Ram with big tires . I loved it . " Ok maybe this isn 't so bad . " I was so nervous . He had seen my picture from the website but I didn 't know what he looked like . What if he was ugly ? He sounded so sweet on the phone , could I see past his looks ? All I knew was what he had told me on the phone : blue eyes , tall , broad shoulders , shaved blondish hair . He parked his truck beside my car , with his passenger side facing me . I couldn 't catch a peek of him through the windows because they were tinted so dark . I hear the truck engine silence and I open my door . " Here goes nothing . . . " I thought . Earlier , I had thought about leaving a note in my car if I should not return just in case my date should turn into the rapist / murderer I made him out to be at first . I see his driver side door open as I get out of my car . His door shuts and he meets me toward the back of his truck . Before we even say " hello " we hug . He had strong , muscular arms that I fit right into and felt so safe . While he was hugging me , me still being nervous , lose my favorite pearl earring . I hear it drop to the asphalt and my heart sinks . I was embarrassed . He tried to help me find it but I told him it wasn 't a big deal . We got our tickets and went straight to sit down . Once seated , Brandon asked if I wanted popcorn and a drink . I said no but he went to get some anyway . He came back and begged me to eat some . As soon as I popped a piece of popcorn in my mouth , he kissed me . It was a sweet , short peck . My cheeks got so hot and I began to shake . I was so nervous ! As soon as he pulled away he said , " You have popcorn breath ! " We both laughed and enjoyed the rest of the movie . After the movie , we headed across the street to Chili 's . I got some sort of red sauced pasta . Midway through the date , OF COURSE , I get some on my shirt . It never fails . If I wasn 't mortified enough losing my earring , I had to drop food on my chest ! Brandon immediately says , " I 'll tell you like I tell my mom , You feed those things more than you feed yourself ! " I thought I would DIE ! Somehow the conversation turns to his family and talking about whether or not they would like me . He says , " They will love you just as much as I do . " Wow . Flustered . This was going fast . I didn 't even know if I liked him ! This was our first date ! He certainly didn 't look like I thought he would , judging by his voice . He was handsome but I expected more . We head to the truck so he could take me back to my car . His phone rings and it was one of his sisters ( I don 't remember which one , they are twins and sound EXACTLY alike ) . His volume was up and I heard her say , " What about the other girl ? " in which he replies , " I 'll tell you later . " Why , hello there first RED FLAG ! ! ! ! that I chose to ignore . . . all because I needed a man in my life and Brandon was the only interested at the time . I thought , " He must be the one ! Thank you God ! " all the while , forgetting I opened this door all by myself . After our first bump , to say that my whole world had been turned upside down would be an understatement . I clung to Brandon 's promises that he would never hurt me again . I had started looking for comfort anywhere I could find it and found it mostly in food . I started eating like a grown 300lb man and soon I would find myself knocking on the door to 300lbs myself . I was unhappy . No matter how many times Brandon promised me he would never cheat on me again , no matter how many times he apologized to me , and no matter how much food I packed into my poor , broken , depressed body , nothing " filled me up . " I felt just as empty if I had not eaten one morsel of food and not heard the pleas and apologies coming out of Brandon 's mouth . About 5 months later , my brother started dating Elizabeth . At the time , he was around 20 and she was 16 . They had told my parents she was 18 and attending a local community college , all the while she was still in highschool . Something had happened between Elizabeth and Victor . Victor , needing a man to talk to other than Dad , came to Brandon . Somehow in the midst of Brandon helping Victor with his relationship woes , Brandon retrieves Elizabeth 's phone number . At first , I wasn 't the least bit worried . Yes , I had just found out my husband , not 5 months earlier , had come up with this extravagant lie that devastated me to my core , but surely he wouldn 't be dumb enough to start a relationship AGAIN outside of our marriage with Miss . Jailbait ! I was already on guard from the last incident . I couldn 't allow myself to hurt like that again . The wounds were still very much fresh . I don 't remember exactly when I started noticing things just " weren 't right . " The relationship with Victor and Elizabeth didn 't work out but my 30 year old husband was still talking to this highschooler . I remember confronting Brandon with my insecurities about the situation and he ended up getting mad and blowing me off . I decided to sit back and observe . My nerves were tore up . What would happen if Brandon did this to me again ? What would I do ? My brain was in overload and my heart was torn out of my chest . I noticed him getting on the phone while I was " asleep , " and his truck being in a different spot when I got home from work , when it wasn 't his turn to drive . The harder I pushed for answers , the angrier Brandon got at me . Victor and Elizabeth got back together for a few days around Valentine 's Day . Brandon and I had started going with Victor and Elizabeth to her church . Brandon didn 't like church but LOVED Elizabeth 's church . I ignored the coincidence . On Valentine 's Day , we all went to a japanese restaurant where Brandon knew the owner and we had been to a couple times before . The owner knew me and Brandon well , and as soon as we walked in , the owner gave me a rose . While we were walking to our seats , Brandon went over and got a rose to give to Elizabeth . That hurt me to my core as she sent a victorious smirk my way . Brandon got off of work everyday around 3 and everyday around that time I had the worst anxiety . I knew in my heart what he was doing . I was friends with Elizabeth on facebook and the more I read her statuses , the more my fears were confirmed . She had done a " survey " or questionaire , where it asks you randoms about your favorite things and your dreams to post for friends to read . Do you have a boyfriend ? Yes but she doesn 't know If you change anything what would you change ? I wish he would tell her about us . She can 't make him happy like I can and I can 't wait to spend the rest of my life with him . and on , and on . . . The more I read , the more I wanted to scream . Timothy was Brandon 's uncles name that had passed away a few years before . Brandon idolized his uncle and I knew if we had kids , that would be the boys name . Brandon and I had 2 dogs at the time . That 's what is so funny about immature teens , they can 't keep a secret , and the more I sat back and watched , the more she told on them both . One day I had had enough . I told Brandon , me or her . For me , it was quite simple . He flipped on me and couldn 't believe I was making him choose . It was a Friday afternoon and we were on the way to Brandon 's family 's house . He called Elizabeth and told her , " We can 't talk anymore . " Her reply , " OK . " Brandon looked at me and said , " Happy now ? " I knew better . I used to be a crazy , hormonal teenage girl and had someone told me I couldn 't talk to the man I was supposedly in love with , I would have had a FIT ! I would 've cried and screamed and demanded to know why . I knew they had talked before he called and had this all planned out , yet I played along . I had contracted the swine flu from a coworker . I came home from my doctors appointment and Brandon put me in bed . That made me so happy and loved . He asked me what I wanted , anything , and he would go get it . I asked for loaded potato soup from O ' Charleys 45 minutes away . He left to get it about 4 : 30 . I woke up at 7 : 30 , he still wasn 't home . He claimed he was " lost " . He came home with no soup and I knew he had been with her the whole time while his wife was confined to the bed . I slipped back into my NyQuil induced coma where I prayed I would stay . Words can 't express the pain and agony , the stress this put me through . Before with Lauren , it was just texts , and I don 't mean to make it any less of cheating than the others , but I didnt have to worry about him meeting up with her . This time , it was a physical person he was having a relationship with and there was nothing I could physically do to stop it . I don 't know how Brandon could lie to me as much as he had and actually sleep at night and honestly , I sometimes wondered why God had allowed him to lie so much . Not only was he lying to me , he was lying to his family . I had told Brandon 's family about what all was happening . I had no one to turn to and I needed help understanding it all . I couldn 't tell my family because I know they would hold a grudge and I really wanted my marriage to work . I loved this man even though he continually hurt me . Brandon 's sister Ashley confronted Brandon numerous times about Elizabeth , all the while he told her nothing was going on . One night , Brandon had gone to bed . I had yet to see a phone call or text from Elizabeth show up on our phone bill and I knew something was fishy . I decided to check his work phone . He had cheated on me by phone before so I had every RIGHT to check whatever phone I wanted to of his . I grabbed his work phone and headed to the bathroom . Sure enough , as soon as I turned it on , a text message from E ( as it was listed ) appeared . She had apparently read my blog about me going to get my hair done that weekend and told him about it . She ended by saying , " I love you so much my wonderful husband . " The night 5 months before flashed before my eyes , only this wasn 't a dream . He had done it again . My heart was right when I had begged for it to be wrong . I crumbled . Again , I shook him . I screamed . I cried . I shaked . He pleaded . He apologized . I headed for the door with my phone but before I got outside , with snot rolling , I choked out , " DID YOU KISS HER ? ! " He looked down and whispered " yes . " As I ran out the door I screamed , " YOU BASTARD ! ! ! " I got on my phone and immediately called his sister Ashley to confirm our fears . At the same time , Brandon called his mom and walked into the night . Ashley 's words to me exactly , " GO SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF HIM ! " I cried and cried sitting outside on the front porch step . I had never dreamed things could get any worse . I felt worthless . Why was he doing this to me ? Why wasn 't I enough for him . Brandon came back and handed me his phone . His mom was crying on the other end . I was on another planet . What just happened ? Andrea , wake up ! Who is this man that calls himself my husband ? Who is this broken woman staring back at me ? With tear streaken faces , my unfaithful husband and I headed back inside . Physically shaking , about to get sick , somehow I muster the strength to take my wedding rings off of my finger . Brandon 's face went white . He asked me what I was doing . Hell , I didn 't even know what I was doing but I did know one thing , this man I married was a complete stranger to me . I opened my mouth and said the only words that could come out as I placed my rings on the coffee table in front of him , " You can give these back to me when you decide you want to be a husband . " Brandon 's parents have a nice time share in Myrtle Beach . Every year , we would go on vacation the week of our anniversary at the end of October , with his parents to their time share . Mostly , the week consisted of Sheila ( Brandon 's mom ) and I shopping at the outlets , sleeping in late , staying in our pj 's , laying out by the pool , and of course , eating yummy food . Brandon and his dad would get up every morning , before the sun came up , and headed to a nearby fishing pier , where they would fish from sun up to sun down . Sometimes they would meet us girls for dinner , other times we would bring them something back for them to eat when they returned . This one year , Brandon 's sisters Ashley and Jennifer came , too , as well as Ashley 's husband Justin . Midway through the week , I started to get sick . I mean , fever , chills , fatigue . . . flat out SICK ! At the same time , after 2 days of fishing , Brandon 's back down to his rear end starting hurting , so bad he was in tears and skipped a trip to the pier . I knew he didn 't feel good then . We tried everything . I tried over the counter medications and he tried soaking in the tub , nothing alleviated the pain both of us were in . We were both in bad shape and decided to cut our vacation early so we could both get checked out . We got home and both made doctors appointments . My appointment was that morning , his was in the afternoon . I ended up having the flu . GREAT ! I had not had the flu since middle school ! ! ! I felt like death and I 'm pretty sure I looked like it too . I immediately came home and got in bed . Brandon goes and comes home with surgery scheduled ! Come to find out , he had an abscess in his rectum ( aka pain in the ass - haha had to throw that in there ) . I already felt like crap and then I get hit with this . He had a doctor appointment the next morning at a specialty doctor then surgery scheduled for the next afternoon . We were both freaking out because we didn 't have a lot of money to begin with and having this surgery guaranteed him AT LEAST 8 - 10 weeks out of work , on top of that , hospital bills . The next day , Brandon 's parents and Jennifer rode up to go with us to the doctor 's appointment and to be there at the hospital for Brandon 's surgery . There was about 4 hours between the doctor 's appointment and surgery so we decided to head home . When we got home , Sheila went to our bedroom to read a book . All I wanted to do was lay in my bed for a few hours , without any interruptions . I laid down beside her to rest and her phone rings . Now , common sense would say " HEY this girl is sick and her husband is about to have surgery in a couple of hours ! Let 's take the phone call outside ! " Well , common sense didn 't show up that day and she had a 30 minute conversation while I was trying to sleep , in my room , on my bed , in my house . Anyway , that night Brandon had surgery , we came home , and I stayed home with him the next day just to make sure he was ok . He was in a lot of pain so I was there for him when he needed help getting anything . Time went on , I went to work , Brandon stayed at home , and somehow , by the grace of God , with one income , a $ 500 truck payment , $ 300 boat payment , $ 200 school loan payment , and other bills + food , we made it . One night while Brandon was still out of work , he had gone to bed early . This wasn 't out of the ordinary . I am a night owl , he is an early riser . I had gone in the bedroom where he was sleeping and noticed his cellphone laying on the bed . We didn 't have a house phone so if I needed to get in touch with him during the day , he needed his cellphone charged . His charger was in the kitchen , so I picked up his phone to take it to be plugged in . I happened to glance down at his phone and noticed there was a text from " mcgreg . " I immediately assumed it was a fishing buddy or work friend so I looked at it . Nothing had prepared me for what I was about to discover that night . The text read , " You must have fallen asleep . " Well . . . he did so I texted back , " this is Brandon 's wife , he did fall asleep , I will let him know you texted him when he wakes up . " I get a text back almost immediately , " say what ? " I wrote , " this is his wife , who is this ? " By this time , I knew something was wrong . My heart was beating very fast . I could feel my chest pounding through my shirt . It was hard to swallow and all of a sudden the crisp , cool night became humid and sweltering . The text came back , " Wake that sorry SOB up and ask him who Lauren is . " I shook Brandon . I couldn 't stop shaking him . I was screaming . Not angry screams , screams of disparity . The room was closing in . This . was . not . happening to me ! Men cheated on their wives everyday but I did NOT marry a cheater ! Lauren ends up calling his cellphone and I answer . She is so apologetic . She is telling me she had no idea he was married . I am shaking , convulsively . I surely wasn 't cold . I was in shock . My ears were full of silence and this strangers voice . Brandon had portrayed himself as being in a hospital in Roxboro ( near where he is from ) . He had been in a coma with his sister , Jennifer , by his side . He professed his love for Lauren , to Jennifer , who had been texting with Lauren , and expressed his hopes of one day , spending the rest of their lives together . He told her he wanted to be the father of her children . He told her he loved her . By this time , I was gagging . Between Lauren telling me everything in one ear and Brandon pleading in another , I was overwhelmed to say the least . This poor girl had no reason to lie to me . She had been played . We both had been played . I hung up the phone and didn 't know what to do . I cried . I screamed . I believed his apologies . I believed he wouldn 't do this to me again . I forgave him . I stayed . . . . all when I should have ran . I 'm taking a little break from the story and I just want to write to you all about how writing my story out for the world to see , being so open and vulnerable with my feelings , is affecting me . * * My blog is a raw , judge free zone . It 's ok if you think my feelings are wrong . It 's ok if you dont agree with me , but please . . PLEASE refrain from writing a comment below that 1 - calls me out or 2 - makes you seem better than me . This will result in unnecessary conflict . Please be courteous . - The human part in me wants him to suffer . I want him to suffer the way he made me suffer . I want him to worry . I want him to experience pain , loss and abandonment the way I had to experience it . I want some girl ( or the whore that he is with ) to screw him over so bad that he hits rock bottom and has no one to turn to . - It cracks me up that Brandon thinks he has everyone fooled . " We are just friends but I 'm buying a house and we are going to live together , with her kid , OH and another couple with their 2 kids ! ! ! But no , there isnt anything going on but I cant tell you what the future holds either " really ? - I often worry about God 's Will . . . I had a dream last night . I had gone to Brandon 's Aunts house for Thanksgiving to say hello . His mom was there and gave me the cold shoulder when I first got there . After chatting a while about how I was doing and showing them my new car , I was asked to stay to eat Thanksgiving dinner . I told them I would stay if Brandon didn 't show up because I wouldnt want things weird for anyone but if he didn 't , then I would be happy to stay . I remember Brandon showing up for a few minutes until he saw me there , then he left . I ended up staying and eating . There was a man at the food table . I had never seen him before . He was all alone . He looked up at me and said , " Andrea , it was God 's will for Brandon to leave you . " = = = = I woke up after that . It was so real to me . Who knows , it may have been God telling me , " Andrea , its ok ! " or it may have been me saying , " Andrea , its going to be ok ! " either way , I woke up this morning with a little more peace in my heart . - I have talked to someone that reads my blog that appreciates my " realness . " I think God put me through this storm for a reason and if its to help just ONE person , it will be worth it . No ones situation is the exact same and times can be really lonely and feel like you are walking in the dark trying to find your way out . I said before , the LAST thing I 'm going to do on my blog is pretend like I have the perfect life . I 'm not trying to be " negative nancy , " but you know , sometimes things arent always peachy ! - I file for divorce in 1 months . . . oh . my . gosh . and good news ! my name will be changed back to my maiden name ! ! ! Please everyone say a prayer for me that things go smoothly ! I 'm paying EVERYTHING and all he has to do is sign the papers . Please pray he cooperates .

28th February 2014 at 2 : 39 pm Reply It was a foggy Friday morning . Katy tore open the curtains and gazed at the grass covered in droplets of dew . The silence was shattered when Katy suddenly heard Katy groaned . Friday was the worst day of the week . Not only did she have Art and Geography but they served fish for dinner . Worst of all she had forgotten to pack a very important form that had to be given in today . At school she knew something was wrong . Everybody was carrying p . e . bags . Then it hit her like lightning , They had p . E . today ! She didn 't remember her P . E . kit ! She tiptoed into the classroom , an anxious expression on her face . The bell went . P . E . No one else had forgotten their P . E . kit . She was the only one . Like a black sheep amongst white sheep . She could see the teacher 's face . It looked like an angry rhino , One beautiful summer 's day there lived a black sheep called Fred . Fred was a very majestic sheep but he was not very happy on the inside . This feeling had overwhelmed him since he was a tiny lamb . His mother and father left him as they were the only black sheep in the flock but the day they were due to be transferred , They gave birth to him . It was devastating because of the paperwork saying that there were only two sheep being transferred he couldn 't come . Fred had always tried to escape to find his mum and dad had never succeeded but suddenly he saw a chance , a chance to get out of there he managed to sneak over the fence and darted away . Soon he came to a road , not knowing a car was coming he crossed the road the car came zooming round the corner and skimmed Fred honking his horn the Man in the in the car climbed out and got a gun ! Fred - who was quite fast - darted away into a forest . Fred strolled along what appeared to be a countryside field . There was a little black dot in the far distance so Fred went to have a look . " Son ? " said what now appeared to be two black dots . " Hey , come over here ! " called the steward followed by something else , which was lost in the noise of the crowd , I did as he asked . " You 're in that queue there then ! " he told me . Before I knew it I was inside the colossal West Ham Stadium , being swept along in the fans . I was soon separated from my family , but I wasn 't too worried , we all had phones , and I knew we 'd soon meet up again . The mouldy walls made me walk fast and the smell of mouth - watering food drew me in . As I went to find my seat the players were warming up on the bright green pitch . I squeezed into an empty seat and the whistle blew for the start of the game . The sun came out and the atmosphere warmed up . Out of the corner of my eye , I noticed fans taking off their coats , I decided to do the same . Just as I took off my coat , proudly displaying the claret and blue of my team 's shirt , West Ham scored ! I leapt into the air with joy , shouting and chanting the goalscorers name in celebration . " Cole , Cole , Cole ! " I looked around to my fellow supporters , so see their celebrations , but was met with silence . And a sea of white Tottenham shirts ! 1st March 2014 at 12 : 32 pm Reply On a bright sunny morning , a boy named Jacob sprinted into his mum and dad . he shouted , " It 's my birthday I never knew this day would come ! " So his mum and dad leapt out of bed and let him open his presents . He got a remote control plane , a tickets to go to a football match and a brand knew football that was as shiny as glass . After he opened the presents he got ready to go to the farm . It was a hours journey until they got there so Jacob took a new toy to make it feel shorter . Once they arrived he said , " Can we go to the sheep now , they are my favourite animal " . He walked past the quacking , splashing ducks , the harmless horses , then he heard a BAA from the sheep . He ran to where he heard the sound , they were there ! There was an odd one , it was black , like the night sky . 1st March 2014 at 2 : 52 pm Reply Once upon a time on a cold shivering winter 's day there was a flock of black sheep huddling together to keep the cold out . There was one lamb that was never accepted despite being an alone lamb and his name was Luke . His mum had been carried away in a truck as she was to ill to eat . Instead she was sent to another farm to be shaved . His Dad died of a disease that could not be cured . The farmer was a nice farmer . He was a giant with a white beard . He had big feet the size of Luke . He had a cigarette smell which even the strongest winds couldn 't remove . One day the farmer stormed his way through the bitter winds and when he got to the dark damp cold barn where the wind wasn 't as strong as it was outside , the farmer called " Time to kill you , " he paused " sorry " , he said sadly as he stroked them . " Hold on wait little lamb , " the farmer said to Luke , " you can 't be eaten you 're too small and you can 't be shaved because there 's not enough of you , i 'll have to send you to a farm where you can grow bigger . The other farms have time i don 't you have to leave now " . The farmer unloaded Luke as he shook hands with Luke 's new farmer . Suddenly Luke realised he was the only black sheep at the farm . He now didn 't mind staying at the old farm and being lonely he just wanted to leave . It seemed like everyone was perfect in my class , all except me . I was the one who always just scraped in my levels or was actually ten marks under ! I seemed to wake up on the wrong side of the bed each day and I 'm disgusted with myself for being like this . I 'm different , I just can 't help it . That 's probably why I dread every ; minute , hour , day of my life . Today happened to be the worst day ever . Well It was a school day - I couldn 't help but moan . I hated school , I never fitted in , however , miraculously I did have one friend , but she was a hard worker , unlike me , so she didn 't really count . It was the worst day ever because , I forgot my P . E kit , so I had to do it in my vest and knickers . My skirt , seeking the floor , fell down in assembly too , when I was called out to do some acting in front of four hundred and fifty children . I hated that day , as it left me feeling totally humiliated . I got home from school that day , when my Mum , not meaning to hurt me , dragged me out into the field at the rear of our house . She said , " You 're going to love this . I have a surprise for you . " I think she knew I 'd been feeling really down lately . " Just tell me , I don 't like surprises ! " I grumbled . When we got outside I saw eleven roaming sheep , grazing on the lush , green meadow . There was one in particular that livened my heart up and instantly made me feel better . He was a solitary black sheep , among the others all cloaked in white . He was different to the rest of the flock , yet he held his head high and stood out in a good way . He stole my heart ! I knew how he felt and I sensed he understood me too , which was the best thing . I thought we might get on well together . I thought right , because a few days after that , he was all mine . My mum had bought him from the local farmer . I fed him , groomed him and the most outstanding thing was ; I cared and loved him , with all my dark red heart ! From that day on , I stood tall and felt proud of myself and even at school improved in every way . Being different , as I realised now , was not so bad after all . 2nd March 2014 at 11 : 54 am Reply Today will be the first day of secondary school . It is something very big and new because it is very different to primary school . There are only a few people from my primary that we 're going to the new school , John , Edward and Alex . I am extremely nervous because there will be hundreds of other students that I don 't know . I am ready for school , I have got my white shirt on with my tie ( which took my ages to do ) , my navy blue blazer and my black school trousers . My bag is packed , I 've got my pencil case and packed lunch . I believe that I will get my books when I get at school . I am leaving the house now so I 'm going to write later . I arrived at the school but there was something very embarrassing that had happened . I was in a the middle of the whole year group and realised that I was the only one wearing my school uniform . Today was a taster of the new school and you weren 't supposed to wear your school uniform 2nd March 2014 at 4 : 46 pm Reply I was born on a farm in the Highlands of Scotland . As my eyes adjusted to the dazzling sunlight , I felt something was wrong . My mother was turning away from me , face full of disgust . I lay down where I was and bleated mournfully as I looked down at my two black legs . I looked at my back legs , they were the same colour . Then the last piece of the puzzle fell into place . I was black ! Black legs , black head , black fleece , black everything ! Days flew by like birds swooping in the sky . I became lonely . All of the flock avoided me . Even the birds and all of the other wild animals avoided me . Then one day , that all changed . In my second year of adulthood another black sheep arrived at the farm . She was very beautiful and cautiously examined the paddock . Shyly , I aproched the stranger and asked her , her name . After a few days of getting to know each other we fell deep into the unknown deapths of love . A few months later we had our first babies . And guess what ? They were all coal black just like their very proud parents . 2nd March 2014 at 5 : 21 pm Reply One morning , a boy named Zack was sleeping . His alarm rang as he shot blot up straight . He walked down the stairs . " 15 minutes maximum " Replied Dad . So they drove until they arrived there . Zack kept screaming " were here , were here " . So they got out of the car . They entered the gates of the farm . They could see all sorts of animals . But the fist thing that caught Zack 's eye was the odd sheep , which was quite strange ! All the sheep were white except one which was black . He ran over to see it closer . He asked himself where might have this sheep come from ? So he looked around the farm but there was no evidence . Why weren 't the sheep attacking the black sheep ? Zack thought to himself . Zack sprinted back to his dad and explored the rest of the farm . Zack was very impressed that the heard of sheep did not attack the black sheep ! Seeing the odd sheep reminded me of a boy at school named ashley . Its not fare on him that he gets bulled the most . He 's only a human just like us . I wish my school was as kind as the heard of sheep . On one breezy Winters day , there lived a blacked sheep . It stood from all the other sheep , because they were white and he was black . Despite all of this , the black sheep was an apprehensive , feeble , neglected , lonely sheep . It was treated as an outcast ; all the other sheep laughed at him , hurled insults at his face , however , there was only one person who really cared and showed love to him , and that was the boy who lived on the farm . He was called Daniel Johnson , he was as gentle as a lamb and as graceful as the arch of a rainbow . It was now in the middle of spring , daffodils were blooming everywhere and growing rapidly in population . It was also the cheerful time that new lambs are born . Since it was this time , much to Daniels disappointment , some of the sheep had to be sold on and this included the black sheep … In a farm , near Yorkshire , their lived a lamb called Bernie . Bernie was the smallest lamb out of the lamb farm . He was clumsy as he was always tripping over or stumbling upon things . The other lambs were rude to him and calling him horrible names like Clumsy Lamb Chops . No one wanted to play with him as they were mean to Bernie . Bernie always embarrassed his family by falling into cowpat or other embarrassing things . One day , Bernie went to the field with his mother , father , brothers and sisters . As he was so fascinated by the flowers , Bernie lost track of where he was going . So he began to toddle of without his family . He found a pig 's farm and decided to ask them . But Bernie did not seem to notice that he was covered in mud , he thought that it was only his hooves that were covered in mud . So he started to walk up the tall hill and finally got to the other side . Bernie saw that all the sheep were heading towards the feeding stable . So Bernie quickly ran to catch up with his family . So , at the end , Bernie tried hard to be less clumsy . He also tried to be the bee 's knees at all the things he tried . He was a great influence to all the younger lambs . Bernie learnt a valuable lesson that clumsiness leads to trouble . 3rd March 2014 at 6 : 45 pm Reply Farmer Smith was a farmer who worked on a petit farm called Summer Set Farm . He only had one type of animal : sheep . He had 50 sheep ; 49 of them white , one of them black ! Because there were 49 white sheep , Farmer Smith called all of them Snowbell because they were as white as snow . He named the black sheep Stormy because he had a massive temper . One sunny day , Stormy and the other sheep were playing outside . Stormy had no friends because of his temper . While Stormy was wandering alone near the shade , one of the sheep had got stuck in a patch of mud . Stormy went to try and help . He pushed the sheep with his hind legs with all his might . Two minutes later the sheep was free ! The sheep was so great full that he instantly made friends with Stormy . First of all Mr Black Sheep went to the Master to deliver the wool . He entered a humongous castle made out of shiny polished gold . He saw that the inside was made out of marshmallows . Walking on clouds he picked up a marshmallow off the floor , he though to himself how soft and creamy they looked . He was about to take a bite when a guard dressed in a suit patterned with sweets shouted at him . " Sorry ! " Replied Mr Black sheep in a shy sad voice . He noticed that the guards suit was decorated with fizzy bombs , his favourite sweet ! He loved them because of the way they fizzed and exploded in your mouth . The guard asked him what his business was , and the sheep confidently replied , mr Black sheep curiously followed the guard into the room and discovered the Master was choking on a marshmallow ! He rushed over , jumping onto the masters chest . The sweet popped out and the Master gasped in a breath . " You have not only delivered the finest wool , but also saved my life , you may have a marshmallow ! " He whispered in a frail voice . Mr Black Sheep took a marshmallow proudly from the master and skipped along to his next delivery . The dame wanted to make a scarf out of the sheep 's wool , and Mr Black Sheep had given his word that he would help . He strode along to the dames house , which was just a block away . The dame was waiting on her wooden doorstep with her rusty old knitting needles ready to knit ! He skittled up the steps and dropped the bag of wool at her feet . Mr Black sheep wearily walked to the little boy 's home . He lived in a dull , dark , damp , dilapidated detached house , with holes in the thatched roof . When he rang the doorbell , the boy looked delighted as he opened the door , to see his bag of wool . 3rd March 2014 at 7 : 33 pm Reply On a bright , sunny summers day Tony got the news to dreamt along time for . He was asked to train with the fantastic local football team . The following day Tony 's delighted mother gave him some black boots . When he arrived he could see the luminous boots of his team mates . Two to three days later , her sheep gave birth to her baby lambs . However , one of the lambs was unusual , as it was born black rather than white . Farmer Blowes was shocked , as this rarely happened to the sheep she looked after , but because the lamb looked cute , she decided to keep it as a pet . One warm , sunny day , Daisy filled her swimming pool with water and got asked her mum to get her old water slide out of the garage . She put the slide against the pool , and started going down it , enjoying the cool water as she landed in the pool . Soon , the lamb came out to watch , and after a while , he climbed the ladder and went down the slide . As the lamb dived jumped into the water , Daisy was surprised to see its fleece change from black to white . As night time came , Daisy friends came to the farm for a sleep over , and they spent ages looking for the black lamb . After a while , they decided to play on the water slide , while a small , gorgeous white lamb watched them from the nearby field . It was 5th March and John was moving abode . This was occuring owing to the fact that his dad had been awarded a promotion at the Bank Of Royal Justice ( BORF ) . They 'd decided to buy a more majestic house compared to their previous one . Fortunately , they had the quorum amount of money required for the house . So , as soon as the removal van arrived they departed in search for their new residence . After a long , tiring two hour journey they arrived at their destination . John helped his parents unload the van and then wandered around the house in search for his room . A minute later John found his room and was flabbergasted at how big it was . He began to unpack his paraphenalia and eventually he found his ted named Bob . He was really excited as his relatives were coming to his house tomorrow for a tea party so he thought that there 'd be a plethora of food on offer . As anticipated there was a lot of food and it was marvellous . The next day soon arrived and John was visiting his new school ! He truned up bright and early and was showed to his classroom . At first , all the girls wanted to go out with him but everyone burst into laughter when he spoke . He realised that everyone was laughing at his Southern accent so he replied , " You 're comments are anathema to me . " Everyone was impressed and they all wanted to be his friend . John was delighted that he 'd made so many new companions in five minutes ! 3rd March 2014 at 9 : 06 pm Reply A flock of sheep stood on the farm . They were all as white as a perfect pearl except for one . In the far distance one lone sheep stood out . All the other sheep stared in deep astonishment . They all looked in envy wanting to be black . Black was a very rare hue for these sheep , normally they would be white . All of a sudden a small flock of sheep came stampeding down a hill but stopped abruptly when they caught sight of the unusual black sheep . They all stared in awe like the other sheep . They were jealous at the fact that he was as black as night . The flock began to shout hurtful comments to the black sheep . The black sheep walked away feeling sad , wondering why he was different . He now wished he was white like the others . He felt as if he stuck out like a sore thumb compared to everyone else . Toffee , the black sheep , sat alone until Sam , his friend came to see if he was alright . Sam knew what had happened and seeked revenge . The two sheep went to their companions and told them the plan they conjured up . They marched angrily to the mean flock and pushed them onto the fence . The cruel sheep learnt their valuable lessons because they felt as sad as Toffee did , when they bullied him . One bright summers day , there lived a boy named , " Ben " . His dad was a farmer , and for a treat he was going to take Ben down to the muddy part of the farm . Ben and his dad had a job to do , they had to get the sheep out of the pen , carry them down to the next field in a wheelbarrow and lock them up safely in the pen next to the grubby field . Ben liked his dads job , he loved helping out feeding the goats , also shave the sheep 's fur off in the summer , he liked milking the cows and stroking the horses . A piece of mud felt like heaven to him … . . So back to the job thought Ben , " I have to get the sheep into the wheelbarrow . So that 's what he did , he went and got the sheep , but just then he caught a glimpse of a black sheep . He turned around to be astonished by the black sheep , he called his dad , but there was no answer back . Ben then thought , " I must figure this weird mystery out my self " …… . 4th March 2014 at 6 : 07 pm Reply My name is Jack when I was born I didn 't quite fit in with the other lambs . I didn 't know what was wrong with me , I mean I done all the things that the other lambs did , I ran around , jumped over fences and ate long green grass . Every one week or so a sheep or lamb will catch a bad disease and on my fifth birthday my dad caught it . It was really sad to see him die right before my eyes . 3 weeks after dad died mum died as well . The next morning I was alone with no family and I had no friends . So I decided to go on an adventure to find a new farm and live happily ever after . I have been on my quest for 3 days now . I am so hungry , the only food there was mud and rotten pieces of grass . I kept walking for a little bit more and then I saw a forest with green grass and lots of trees . As I got closer I saw people with long metal things that blasted out little metal bullets that shot down the birds . As soon as I knew that the birds that were shot down were dead I dashed to the other side of the forest . I heard one of the men say " I saw black deer , lets chase it ! " this made me run even quicker . Then I came up to a part of the forest with an opening which was pitch black they 'll never find me in here I thought so I went in it . I am not a deer and I thought I was white but I can 't see what colour I am now because I am in darkness . The ball was coming towards Tony ; his heart skipped a beat . He jerked his wandering leg to divert the ball to his feet . The ball went flying past him , straight to another player . " You 're terrible " shouted Robbie furiously . Tony 's heart sunk at the very words . He felt like the black sheep in the flock . All eyes were on Tony . He skipped again for the ball , but again Robbie screamed at him to sprint . Tony knew he didn 't fit in ……… 4th March 2014 at 9 : 35 pm Reply One scorching hot summers morning Farmer Butterbunny was milking his cows on the farm . he was an energetic , joyful farmer and her looked after all his animals with great pride . Farmer Butterbunny had a well bred flock of quiet sheep . His sheep were as black as the angriest cloud in the sky on a stormy day but they were very friendly . Max , the youngest sheep was extremely adventurous . He was the fastest , the smartest , the friendliest , but most of all the sneakiest . Max was as sneaky as the small squirrel who was playing in the tallest tree nearby . " How will I get across , " max said to himself looking a bit fed up about living in the flock of black sheep when he would much rather live with the white sheep . Max thought again but couldn 't think of anything when he heard a lady from the nearby village saying " well done your tooth fell out " suddenly Max had the idea of picking the lock of the fence with his sharp teeth . " Get in , " cried a voice , it was Farmer May . Farmer May sounded very old and grumpy . Soon Max knew he was in trouble … . . Yep , this is me although sometimes I wish I was someone else . I am Buster . I am the only black sheep in hundreds , thousands , maybe millions ! I am unique except I just want to fit in . This is my story , and , yes I 'm different , but my story can be just as magical as any white sheep can dream of ! This is Buster 's story . " Wake up boys ! " shouted Lucy and she wrapped herself up in her thick winter coat . " There will be visitors soon ! " It was a chilly autumn day on Bree farm . " Ruphus , Douglas , Donald , Barnaby … " She was listing the sheep that get to get stroked and cuddled and fed ! Ruphus smirked at me . I never got a go ! " Cuddles , cloudy , Dreamy , Reece , Thomas … " Lucy counted them twice before looking at me sympathetically . " Billy , Bruce … " She had one more sheep to pick ! Was this my day ? " Oh , you guys ! Err , Buster . " Yes I was in ! " Now Buster . No biting , fighting , nibbling , running away , climbing and no , no showing off ! " When Lucy had gone , the sheep got back to mowing the lawn , and Ruphus , Douglas , Donald , and Barnaby trotted over . Everyone knows sheep can 't talk but we communicate with our eyes . Barnaby gave me an " Are you joking , YOU ! " kind of look before pushing past . That night Lucy was tired of working at Bree farm and I had totally messed up with the cuddles . ( I don 't want to talk about it ! ) But to get to the point Lucy left the gate open of the barn and I couldn 't sleep . If it wasn 't for me the huge black bear would have killed us all ! I managed to drag hay bales back and forth after pushing the door shut . I was a hero . I thought no one would know it was me , but apparently Lucy couldn 't sleep either so she saw a " Mysterious black figure pulling hay bales around through the window of the barn . " Every sheep is thinking of dyeing their wool black , but I am happy being the only black sheep ! 8th March 2014 at 10 : 12 am Reply I was born as a black sheep and will always be a black sheep . I 've always been jealous of the white sheep . They 're eye catching snowballs and I 'm just a small cloud on a stormy day . Suddenly I had a brainstorm , I 'll paint myself white , and then I 'll be as showy offy as the other sheep ! I proudly walked away to the other side of the great farmer 's house . I remember he stores all his paint back there . I found it there 50 feet away , the white paint . Charge , I thought to myself , the lime green grass felt like I was running on marshmallows . Smash ! The pure white paint went everywhere . It made me get a really bad headache after smashing into my target ( the white paint ) . I still proudly marched off trying to get the paint dry in the sun . But when I got back to the other sheep , they had painted themselves black ! It turned out black is a popular colour after all . One Beautiful , summer 's morning , the sun rose and nature came to life once again . There were dancing butterflies , chirping crickets , dandelion fluff and unfurling wild flowers that tickled people 's noses . There was a farm which often had all these wonderful creatures and plants surrounding it , like guards guarding a castle . Tall blades of grass were every now and then being eaten by the sheep whith white cotton wool all over their bodies . I walked to this wonderful farm , hopefully being able to touch the sheeps ' paper - white cotton wool fur . As I started to approach the farm , I saw the farmer looking very confused at his sheep . I scampered towards him and suddenly realised , for some reason , there , among the sheep with white wool , was a sheep which had wool as black as coal . I gazed around me and suddenly something caught my eye . I could vaguely see tiny mountains of damp silk in the distance , with other black sheep on them . I immediately told the farmer about this piece of news and he said he would walk there with the lost sheep , who didn 't realize he was in the wrong flock . An energetic , exhilarating feeling ran through me me and I started to over take him with sheep to the mountain . He shouted , " Hold your horses " but I ignored him and eventually we came back to the farm . The farmer said the job was now complete . I mumbled miserably as i stared pointlessly out of the window . The wind surged past my face as i looked out for granny 's house in the distance . The car moved faster as my mum saw granny poking her head out of the window , saying hello . I remarked yes with a beaming smile on my face and ran straight to the pens . As i turned round quickly all i saw were thousands of sheep piling round me except one . A black sheep . I dumped the sheep 's food own and watched perplexedly at him . His coat was as black as the night sky as i ran back towards the food . I moved swiftly through out the flock and grabbed some food for the young black sheep . 9th March 2014 at 6 : 54 pm Reply Nasty Norman is a silly , scary , sad sheep . When Norman was a lamb he used to be extremely kind but as he grew up got inspired by a couple of other sheep to start bullying . As the nastiness overtook his soul his wool slowly began to change colour . It went from dazzling white , to yucky yellow , to gross grey and finally to bad , mad , dangerous black ! Ever since the day Norman changed colour he has continue to be horrid , doing hurtful deeds like bullying the sheep , ramming into the farmer , sitting on the duck and dunking the pig into the well . He is dangerous on every day with a 'd ' in it . It was half past nine in the morning , " Feeding time ! " Norman greedily said to himself . He was planning to steal the food from Perfect Peter the most loving sheep in the flock . The farmer had a tray of lush green grass for each of the starving sheep to eat , but this time the farmer had mixed a special liquid into Norman 's tray . He was fed up with Norman 's behaviour and had heard about a special liquid that could change an animals behaviour from naughty to nice ( It had been recommended by the local vet ) . As Norman barged through the queue of sheep and gulped down his grub he felt slightly sick , he wasn 't sure what was up but something was certainly changing . Norman started thinking kind thoughts and as he did some of his wool went white , he smiled . A couple of minutes later he began chatting to lonely Leo , the only sheep without a friend , and suddenly half of his wool was white ! He continued saying nice things and being thoughtful and after an hour his whole body was white again ! He jumped for joy " Yippee " Norman hollered " I will never be bad again … I promise . " he said with a smirk . 9th March 2014 at 8 : 08 pm Reply " BAA ( Hello ! ) " said Barney the Black Sheep to the new white sheep . Barney was the only black sheep in the farm , he got mocked as in being the only black sheep in the farm . He got really upset about it . On that day , the sheep , that he said hello to ( Joe ) , wasn 't like all the other sheep . He was a nice friendly sheep , he was his only best friend . He was always nice to him and every time the farmer , who was called Dave , brought their food they would always stand next to each over . The next day Barney ran away to find a nice peaceful place to live . He started to regret his idea because of his friend . When Barney looked around he saw a coffin . It was farmer Dave , He died from Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis ( a lung disease . ) So now that the farmer has died an opulent farmer has come to take over . Now Barney never got mocked again because the new farmer was sharing his love to all the sheep . 10th March 2014 at 4 : 19 pm Reply Dave the black sheep never wanted to be black . In fact he actuly had wanted to be a white sheep , but no such luck . He lived with his pack ( that is , if sheep have packs ) . He was the only black sheep within several miles . All the sheeps from sheep school made fun of him . " You look stupid ha ha ha ! " was often heard . One day he decided he wanted to be a white sheep . " Mum , im gonna be a white sheep ! " he told her . " There 's no such thing Dave ! A black sheep turning white is unheard of ! " Despite his mother 's rejection of the idea , he thought about it all day and all night . Then he remembered the fabled human tool that some of the older sheeps told stories about . Paint … He decided that he would go into the humans den and take some paint . That night he snuck into the human 's house , easily finding some white paint . He put it on . As soon as morning struck he went to sheep school . " look ! I 'm white now ! " " who the heck are you ? " replied the other sheep . Shrugging it off as a misunderstanding , the now white sheep went home . " Who are you ? " questioned his mum . Suddenly a flash of realisation hit him . No one recognised him now . Taking off the paint , he explained to his mum . He never wanted to be white again . When I appeared out of the blue , in a green , grassy , growing meadow , I was firstly startled by the other creatures roaming as if they didn 't have a care in the world - I did . I grew to learn that the peculiar man was a specialist in training farm animals to keep calm while taking drugs , in which focused them . Although my efforts were to keep away from them , I was coaxed , cared for and cured into feasting on these poisonous devils . The thing is , as I was the only black sheep , the others with fur like pearls , I took a totally different effect to this : " Why my kind dear , you 've come to my presence . " She lisped . " I have heard of the terrifying news , and I know a way to help " . I thought I knew what was coming , but was not expecting that particular suggestion … 11th March 2014 at 7 : 09 pm Reply Today was auctioning day , all the farmers would meet up together and auction their beloved sheep for money . Unfortunately there was one farmer called Bob who had a sheep that was completely covered with a layer of pitch - black wool that was as dark as the night sky . Bob expected that nobody would want his strange sheep that stood out from the others but you never know , people think differently … The event started off with the sheep being placed on the market rapidly but to the end nearly everybody rushed of with their new herds of sheep to their farms . To Bob 's surprise , one farmer who had an immense farm in Cambridge was willing to buy the black sheep that Bob originally owned . Bob felt perplex when the man shook hands with him and confirmed the deal . How strange ! One day on a moorland hillside a flock of ebony sheep grazed mournfully . A black sheep called Bob , who was naughty and always in trouble , found a small hole in the prickly green hedge . He was curious and inquisitive ; wanting to find out more , he squeezed his head through the hole and peeped through it at the fell next door . He was excited and surprised by what he saw . A flock of white sheep ! Bob thought all sheep were black and was amazed at these ivory curiosities . The lush green grass glistened with the early morning dew and delicious looking water from a crystal clear stream trickled over rocks and stones . But Bob desperately wanted to eat the pasture on the other side of the hedge . He wriggled and squeezed through the hedge and bounded out the other side . He stood stock still and looked round whilst the white sheep stared at him with wide eyes . Some of them even glared at him . The white sheep despised him for his black fleece ; baa 'd at him spitefully and chased him . Initially , they could not catch him because black sheep are faster than white sheep . So the white sheep crowded round in a herding way and caught him . They bombarded Bob with questions . The white sheep bleated and bit at him . Bob ran away , back towards the hedge while the white sheep gave chase . He wriggled rapidly through the prickly leaves and branches . As he did so his bottom was still sticking out of the other side and the cruel white sheep bit his bottom . Bob cried out in absolute pain and agony . Suddenly , he was back in his own field again , with his own family and friends . He never thought to venture into the field of white sheep again . This is about how sheep were made . Sheep were only supposed to be decorated white . One sheep wanted to be incredibly unique they painted their selves black . This was the worst mistake a sheep could ever make ! Instead of being unique , the greedy sheep was the odd one out ! Out of all of this he was mocked like he was a tiny ant or a miniature rabbit . When this happened he started to regret ever trying to become different . The worst thing was that he had school the next day ! As he guessed the next school was dreadful ! The moral is that your special in your own way and don 't try to be something your not . In Old McDonald 's farm , Carter the lamb didn 't really fit in to the others , I mean , he jumped over stacked fences and great , green grass . He found it difficult to believe that he looked completely different to everyone on the barn . He was a lot puffier , not as smart , though he black ! He got teased , joked and bullied about his differences . One dark , misty day , Carter walked around the barn , and heard a peculiar fizzing noise coming from the dog 's pen . Nobody ever dared to enter the pen , there was barbed wiring all across the perimeter . He walked slowly across the muddy , slick path and found it hard to walk when suddenly . He was stuck ! He looked back for help when suddenly , the ground seemed to open up then . Thump ! Carter rubbed his eyes to reveal a beautiful , sunny day which blinded Carter with amazement as the sun hadn 't shone in two months . He looked at his fur to notice he was white ! Carter looked around for someone to play with activity his friends were doing was taking no notice of him . He sobbed quietly ; nobody took notice of him in any dimensions . So he gently laid back his head and started to sob loudly . The last thing he heard was a little fizzing noise . 19th March 2014 at 8 : 57 pm Reply This is me ! The black sheep of the family . Well , at least this is what my parents think of me . The way I see it , I am a normal 8 year old child , always getting up to mischievous things . Two weeks ago I was out with my friends playing " knock down ginger " . The boys and I were not sure whether we should knock on Bill 's door , who happens to be the toughest person on our street . He is a former boxing champion who has now retired . We knew we were likely to get into big trouble if we knocked on his door , but Jamie convinced me that we should at least try and see what happens . You know me , I can 't say no to a dare , so I went for it and I did it . As I rushed back into the hiding , I accidentally knocked the bulky bulldog statue . Crash ! Bang ! There it was , broken to pieces and scattered everywhere . I forgot to mention , that Bill is a big dog lover , a big bulldog lover ! ' ' Who knocked on my door ? If I find you pesky kids you be in so much trouble ! Shouted Bill from inside his immense mansion which was filled with statues of dogs in every nook and cranny . We were hiding behind the tall green fence trembling like a leaf . My gang and I were hoping that he was not going to open the door , so we can make a quick escape . But we were wrong . He opened the door immediately and his bulldog also came out sniffing and looking like he was on a mission . The realization hit me , we were in deep , deep trouble . We just closed our eyes beseeching for all to go away and to be a dream . It was a short dream as the bulldog sniffed us out and started barking like mad . " Well , well ! What do we have here ? The mischievous gang who could not resist to stay away of trouble ! I thought that what happened last time taught you a lesson but you never learn , do you ? Tell me , who is going to pay for my statue now ? Asked Bill furiously . His dog was backing him up , by showing his razor sharp teeth . This was serious . I did not realize that a silly game could get me in so much trouble . My heart was beating like a giant stomping on the ground , my hands were sweating and I was white as a ghost . The next minute , my parents knew all about it . Needless to say , there were fuming and I was grounded for two weeks . No more playing outside and no more pocket money . That statue cost me a fortune ! Today is the first day I am allowed to play out again . I can 't wait ! Will I be able to stay out of trouble ? Have a learnt my lesson , you think ? Well , we 'll see ! 22nd March 2014 at 12 : 09 pm Reply Here is a picture of me . I 'm Max . I bet you can tell who I am ! That 's it , I 'm the odd one out , the unique one . Let me tell you my story . It all started when I was just a lamb , I was jumping about , when I became thirsty . I went to drink some water , as I bent over the water , I noticed that one of the reflections was black , instead of white . I looked at the other sheep . All white . " That means I 'm black ! " I thought . I quivered , but I didn 't know why . The years went by , no one seemed to care about me , not even the farmer . Five springs went by , I never got shaved so I was VERY woolly . I was lonely , lonely as a spider , except lonelier . One spring day I was amongst the sheep , when the farmer came out to check the farm , he saw me and immediately ran to a barn and cleared it , he then stacked some hay at the side and put some more in another corner , in the form of a bed . He emptied the water - trough and put clean water in it , he then hauled in a clean trough and filled it with a sheep 's favourite food sheep nuts ! YUM YUM YUM ! ! ! The farmer came out , picked his way through the forever building crowd of sheep , picked me up , picked his way back through the sheep and put me in the barn . From then on I 've been having first - class treatment . All because there aren 't many sheep like me , so I 'm special , and you 'll never guess what is made out of my wool ! The Queen 's and President 's black clothes ! 23rd March 2014 at 12 : 34 pm Reply Sheep - everywhere . Where could I go ? Frantically , I searched around , looking for a way out . All but one were surrounding me , charging . So close … Wow ! What a night . The worst of the lot , I think . I had been having bad dreams for ages , pretty much about the same thing ; sheep . Lost in a trail of thoughts , I didn 't hear my mum calling for me . As she stomped into the room I suddenly remembered that it was Saturday . Today the whole family were going to meet at Barleylands farm ! Yay ! As I rapidly raced downstairs to gobble my breakfast , a thought struck me - what if today all of those nightmares came true ? Subdued I plodded miserably around , getting ready as slowly as possible . " Hurry up ! " my mum called . So I sped up , ever so slightly . When we arrived , I asked my mum where we were meeting with the others . Of course , it was the sheep enclosure . As I trailed around , dreading the scary sheep , my spirits were momentarily lifted . Clusters of petals like pink confetti smothered the ground , the path glimmered in the sunlight and the scent of honeysuckle drifted through the air ; maybe this wasn 't so bad after all … But those hopes were immediately erased as the ' baa ' of sheep entered my ears . I peered up and there it was : the flock , just like in my daunting dreams , there was a single raven black one , right in the middle of a sea of pure , snow white sheep . Even the cheery faces of relatives could not calm my nerves as I took a step towards the pen . " I have arranged a surprise for you , " Aunt Jackie told me . " The keepers have agreed to let you go in and feed the sheep ! " Tom was different to all his classmates like a black sheep surrounded by white ones . He had the lowest marks in all subjects except P . E . in which he was the best . Unlike his peers he did not enjoy reading school books or spending time on Math , English , History or Science . He however was the talented and gifted boy when it would come to sports . He had the dearest dream one day to become a famous football player one day . To his great disappointment there was no football academy in a tiny town where he lived . The best he could do was to practice all day around and to work extremely hard . But he knew that it was too little in order for his dream to come true . He needed professional football training lessons . When his parents saw the hard work Tom was doing and how important football was for him , they decided to move to a bigger place with a well known football academy . They wanted to give Tom an opportunity to reveal his talent and registered him for a trial . Tom demonstrated his skills and was admitted to the 21st July 2014 at 10 : 52 am Reply I was surrounded 321 girls were homing in on me . I tried everything for them to leave me alone : I flattered them , tried to wriggle between them , tried to make it for the exit but they had been blocked . They all came to me , got me into dead end ……… Once upon a time there was a little sheep named Shaun . Shaun was not very popular in the flock because he had black wool where as the other sheep had white wool . One day Shaun was on his way to get his number painted on him when Sam the big dog came up to him and laughed The robbers had nearly finished the job until Shaun jumped out of a hay stack and bit the two men on the bottom ! They screamed terribly loud and that woke up the farmer ! He called the police and they came and arrested the two thieves . The farmer was really proud of Shaun so he gave him a really special number , one hundred ! So Shaun wasn 't getting bullied anymore and he also was now one of the most popular sheep in the flock ! So he lived happily ever after . Life is full of many predicaments . I was going to my first day at high school and I was not happy . I walked towards the huge school ; my whole body was taken over by fear and had nowhere to hide . I walked in the entrance and what I saw was inexplicable . Every single student did not have vapid glasses but me . With trepidation I strode into the vast playground . As I stepped everyone look at me with the meanest looks , after that I knew I was going the blackbird among the swans . Throughout the day I had mortified myself . For example when a few girls were asking if I could be their friends I said yes but while we were all walking I started talking about the history of peanut butter because I didn 't know what to say . Will this treachery ever end ? Will I make friends ? 27th May 2015 at 11 : 37 am Reply I woke up in the morning with a huge yawn , it was the first day back to school and I thought that everything was going to be okay until I noticed the time , it was already forty five past eight in the morning ! I rushed like mad to get to school . When I got there I was just in time for the register . I heard the teacher say " Good morning Ben . Ben ? " I was just in time to answer back " Good morning Mrs Smith . " Once I got into class Mrs Smith questioned me " Where is your homework ? " I slapped myself so hard that I thought I would crack me head open . Eventually , I said " I don 't have it Mrs Smith , " Everyone looked at me like they thought that I was lunatic because I had never , ever forgotten my homework in my life . " Well , I 'm going to expect to see it tomorrow , Mr Cross " Mrs Smith muttered . After break we were going to do art , so we needed our paintbrushes and art aprons to not get messy . " Now , could everyone get their aprons and paintbrushes , " Then I remembered that I was in such a hurry that I forgot everything . So everyone stared at me , waiting for something to happen . I was the black sheep . It was a dark day , a grey day , a day where everything was black . My parents had brutally forced me to go to a new horrible high school . My mum dropped me off very briskly . When I walked in it was like a house of demons ; they glared at me with their hostile eyes . After a minute I knew why , all of them had no glasses but I did . The rest of the day was disconcerting . A few girls tried to be my friend then I started talking about queer thing then they swiftly walked away . I guess I was going to be the ugly , repulsive duckling among the beautiful swans . 24th November 2015 at 2 : 36 pm Reply As I stared out of my bedroom window , a distant flock of sheep were bleating incessantly , like a cuckoo - clock . The plain carpet of blankness had a jet - black sheep pusillanimously craning its neck . Gradually , the identical sheep scuttled forward , leaving the odd one abandoned . 8th February 2016 at 7 : 06 pm Reply Hi my name is Sheppard Pie ( also I am 10 years old ) and I am always getting bullied at school . All the other sheep keep teasing me just because I 'm a black sheep . I 'm not even black I am white and I was hit with permanent black paint . All of my class mates are making fun of my colour and taking advantage of my big flabby ears . Sometimes I wish that I was home schooled so that I can be with my mum and dad and I won 't get picked on . My older brother Pepper Pie also picks on me at school ' , and when we get home he turns it the other way round by convincing our mum and dad that I 'm picking on him . When things get out of hand I also wish that I was a only child but I know my brother loves me , he might not show it but deep down inside him I know that he still loves me and will always take care of me . So now you know my thoughts about the world you must promise that you won 't tell anyone ok so bye now see you later . When she got down stairs , Lily said to her mother , " Morning " in tired but excited voice . Her mum said , " if you eat breakfast quickly you can feed the lamb , she needs some breakfast . " " Yes ! " Lily chanted as if she had won the lottery . " Hurry up then , the lamb needs feeding , " said her mum , as if Lily was in her own world . Lily rushed her breakfast like a snake biting a deer . When she arrived at the pen to feed the lamb , she found two female lambs : one white lamb and one black lamb . That 's when she realized that the black sheep and her where going to have a good friendship because the black lamb was the only black sheep in the flock . She was unique just like Lily . Lily thought of school . The girls at school think its weird to live on a farm , because all they think of is poo and mud . When it 's really better because anything can happen . For instance , when Betty the female sheep won a hurdle contest when she was pregnant . " I still remember that , " thought Lily , " I felt like I had won one of the competitions at the school fair . " Then Lily said to her Dad , " we should call them brownie and marshmallow , " her Dad said " they are very sweet names ! We need to feed them now , otherwise they are not going to get any bigger , and you can teach them to walk . Can you pass me the milk bottles which are on the work - bench " said Lily 's Dad .

This book , my sixth , takes place in the world of magic . Not the spooky , supernatural stuff , it 's about magic tricks and magicians , the people who make you think they are magic . I have been a performing magician since I was in third grade , most of Jim 's backstory is actually mine . I did once own a magic shop in Michigan and I even performed a good number of shows in Las Vegas when I lived there . This story takes Jim and his crew to Colon , Michigan , which has been known as the Magic Capital of the World , it actually does exist , along with Abbott 's Magic Company . I have not been to the annual magic get together in over thirty years , so I 'm going by my recollections about what I had experienced back then , and information I find on Google to write this book . I apologize to the town of Colon and to Abbott 's Magic Company if I have exaggerated some facts about the place . This book is fiction , meant to entertain and while I try to be accurate in my story , sometimes I make things up or embellish things to make the story flow . Most people who read this book , have never been to or will never go to this wonderful place , so they will just have to pretend to have been there through my words . Also , Jim performs part of his magic act in this book , it is the same act I do , or did , for the last forty years , most of it word for word . Thanks , Bob Moats I finally got around to putting a nice 42 inch LCD widescreen TV in my office , right across from the couch , to while away the boring days of waiting for a client to walk in the door . Maybe I should advertise a bit harder . I could also watch Penny 's show now while I whiled away the day . That way I could also admire my new bride , as she did her best today to smile while trying to munch on a zucchini slice covered in tofu cream . Yum . The reason she was forcing the zucchini slice was due to a health nutritionist on today 's program , showing people how to make healthier meals out of things like squash . Eeuw . I 'd rather eat dirt , more roughage . Penny was trying not to make faces at some of the other rather unappetizing delights that the woman presented . I knew Penny 's faces well enough now to recognize when she wasn 't liking something . I was also worried that Penny would bring home some of those unappetizing meals to pawn off on me . With the TV , I now had an idea of what to expect when I got home . It had been about four months since Penny and I were married in Las Vegas and had made it through the Bridezilla murders , now things were pretty much back to normal for everyone . Trapper and Becker were back to fighting crime in Clinton Township ; Buck was still mooning about moving back to Vegas and living with Deacon 's sister , Maria . I was just waiting for him to fly the coup . My family survived the trip and were all back to their normal routines . My mother had a bunch of pleasant memories and a copy of the wedding video from Penny 's show . She enjoyed seeing herself on television . I had finally finished with the Classmate Murders novel I was writing , I just wasn 't killing myself getting it published . My office door flew open and in walked an old face I hadn 't seen in years . Old face as in age , he was looking worse than I did in years . The tall man was bony , slim , dressed well in a nice black suit and had a face that looked like the side of a wood barn , weathered and craggy . He had strikingly blue eyes , a perpetual smile under a rather pointy nose and a wisp of grey hair . He 'd make a great Ebenezer Scrooge in any Christmas play . " Marty , how the hell are ya ? " I asked , standing and coming around my desk to shake his hand . The idiot he was , had a joy buzzer in his hand , startling me . " You dumb ass , haven 't changed have you . Despite looking like they just dug you up , you still are a child . " Marty gave me a big grin , then asked if I had a bit of libation . I said I had no alcohol in the office , I was a beer drinker , but not during office hours . He looked disappointed and sat in my client chair as I sat back in my squeaky desk chair . " Jimmy , as much as I hoped you wouldn 't , you look good for your age . How do you do it ? " Marty laughed with a wheeze and a cough . " Clean living and lots of sex . " I said , with a smirk . " Yeah , I still work the damn kid shows and the occasional adult party , but times are tough and the damn kid magicians are undercutting my standard fees . They aren 't worth a crap , but the people will pay their fees rather than go for experience and class . " He looked disturbed , as if he had a pain in his stomach . " Hell , no . I 'm all eaten up inside , too much partying and drinking . I 'll be lucky to reach my next birthday . But I don 't care , my life has been full and I 'll go to my coffin with a bottle tucked under my arm . Nobody wants an old fart magician who can 't stand doing kid shows any more . " He smiled but it was a sad smile . " Huhn ? Oh yeah , I have been asked to be the recipient of a lifetime award for my service to the world of prestidigitation . You 're a magician from way back , I even remember your little magic store you had in Roseville . I want to know if I can hire you to see that I get to the ceremony safely . I 'm old and I may lose my way there , or forget all about it . " He smiled at me then gave me a toothy grin . " Where are you receiving this prestigious award at ? " I asked . " Right here in Michigan , out in Colon , the Magic Capital of the World , well , was before mass production took over and all magic props are now being made in China . Oughtta be a law against it . " He smiled again . " They 're having the annual magic convention and some idiot decided to honor me with an award before I croak . Damn nice of them to think of me now . " " Next month , early this year , I think they moved it so they don 't have to give me the award posthumously . That 's why I want you to help me make it out there . Keep me in line and standing upright , even if you have to hold me up . " The toothy grin came out again . " How much do you charge for protecting this old body ? " " Well , you were making the big bucks , being the hotshot magician you were . " He laughed . " Yeah , and look where it got me . No one is giving me any awards . " I said with a touch of remorse . " I never liked most of the other magicians , they all thought they could actually walk on water . I was disillusioned that I knew how the trick was done , so the magic was taken all out of it . I just enjoyed the laughter of the audience and having fun with them , not trying to make them think I could actually do magic . You 've seen my act , I don 't pretend to be a wizard . Too damn many Harry Potters out there . " " Too easy going you were , young Luke . " He made the comment sounding like Yoda from Star Wars , and he even looked like him . " Jimmy you could have been a legend too , if you chummed up to the right people . You could have been a star . " " Ah , still the business man , not the magic man . " He stood , " I have to be going , business and a bottle to attend to , I 'll call you with the details , and Jimmy . . . it 's good to see you again . " he said with a slight sadness , turned to the door and went out . I sat quietly for a long time , remembering my days doing shows at clubs , bars , fairs , private parties , and even a couple of times on television . OK , I was on the Bozo the Clown show doing magic twice , but it was TV . My magic store was a great place to meet people , but after a while the people I met were just all a bit off the wall . Some were nice , most were wrapped up in their magic . I would join a few in a bar and all they wanted to do was talk magic and out do each other with some new trick they learned . I just wanted to enjoy the evening drinking with a few friends . After a while I stopped going out with them , they just drained the life out of me . I loved performing for an intimate crowd , like in a small bar . I had one place in Mt . Clemens that I performed every Friday and Saturday nights . I was there for almost a year , having fun with the customers . My act was the same every night , but they would bring in friends for me to call up on stage and have fun with them , not embarrassing them but having fun . Those were good days . On my way home I thought about my magic career , all the way back to third grade when I did my first show using a deck of trick cards in my class at school . It went well and I continued performing small shows all through to high school . After a while I started doing the bigger illusions and kept doing shows throughout my life , until my second marriage , when I basically retired from it . The highlight was moving out to and performing in Vegas , that was a dream fulfilled . After I returned from Vegas I stopped , mostly because I was burnt out from all the work I put into it , and also because there wasn 't that much call for magicians around Macomb County . Or elsewhere for that matter , so I just retired again . I drove in the drive to our humble little home and parked my twenty year old Crown Vic in my spot on the side of the garage . We kept Penny 's car in the garage because it was new and we wanted to keep it that way . I had enough money to buy a brand new car , but I couldn 't part with the Crown Vic , it was my baby . I did use my money to fix it up , so it was in classic car shape now . My next project is one of those car tents they sell , to keep the Vic out of the weather , especially with winter coming up . I got to the front door and noticed Penny didn 't come bouncing out to meet me at the door much lately , guess it 's a sign of being married . I entered and the first thing I noticed was the smell . It was like a trash can full of garbage that was going bad . I took a breath and went into the kitchen . She looked at me , and grinned widely and bounced over to latch on with a big hug and a kiss . I said again , that wasn 't going to make me eat whatever she brought home from work . She looked at me funny like and then it struck her . " Oh , god , no . I made sure all that crap was tossed after the woman left . I see you were watching my show on your new TV at work . " She went back to a small pot on the stove and stirred it a bit still looking at me . She held an apple slice under my nose and put an onion slice in my mouth and told me to bite . I did , it was good . She said to open my eyes and showed me the onion that I took a chomp from . She finished cooking the foul stuff and put it in a plastic bowl with a cover . We opened doors and windows to let the smell go outside , as we sat on the picnic table in the backyard . Willy was running around , trying to catch a squirrel that wandered into the yard . I told her about Marty 's visit and what he wanted , her eyes widen and she said two years ago , she had on her show five magicians from Colon , Michigan talking about the convention . She sat back and thought . " That sounds kind of familiar , I 'll check on it . Hey , I have an idea . " She had that devious look again . I winced and thought about having Lonie and her crew following us around again . Vegas was enough to have our wedding taped for posterity , but this was too much . Besides I couldn 't think what Gordy would offer us in exchange for taping our activities . She went in the house and got on the phone in the bedroom , this was déjà vu . I came in and sat on the couch , the smell had abated . About a half - hour later , she came out smiling and said Gordy loved the idea and the limo is in the bag . I said that Marty would crap when we come to get him in a limo . She said that 's nice but he 'd have to clean up the crap himself . I laughed and started to tickle Penny until she yelled for mercy , plus the fact she might pee on the couch . She smiled and said she wasn 't wearing her Depends today . " Screw you . " I muttered . Penny said that was the first good idea I had since I got home , she stood and headed to the bedroom . I just sat there , drawing out the torture . She finally yelled for me to get in there , or it would be a long time before I could ever touch her again . I went in . Next morning , I was entering my office hallway and found Buck stretched out in the hallway chair . I did my usual kicking his feet ; he looked up and grinned . " I 'm getting used to this routine . " He said . " Colon ? I know that place ; I rode my Harley through it on my way to South Bend for a bike rally . It 's the magic capital of the world , they say . " His eyes were looking like a little kid being told he could go to a carnival . " His name is Marty Van Hought , I 've known him for going on thirty years , since I first started my magic shop . We took a liking to each other and we became friends . He 's being given a lifetime achievement award for his career in magic . The man deserves it , he taught me a lot of magic . " I went silent for a bit , Buck just sat waiting for me to say something . " Let 's see , Vegas and great sex ; old man and magic tricks . Hmm . . . Well , Vegas and Maria will still be there in the middle of next month , I guess I can tell her a case came up . " He grinned . " Also , if you didn 't get enough of being followed around by a camera crew , we 're doing it again . Penny is doing four of her shows live from there , interviewing the magicians and having them perform . Should be interesting . I 'll need you to help keep an eye on Penny and Marty too . We 'll take turns . " I explained . " Oh , yeah , that 'll go over well . I 'm going to have you and Marty bunk in the same room so be ready for Ben - Gay and lots of booze . Marty is a bit of a lush , one reason he wants me along to keep him in line for his award . So we will have our job cut out for us . " " Since your station is going to have to pick up the tab for the camera crew 's motel room , think we can slip our room bill in there too ? " I said on the phone to Penny , as I whiled away my day in the office . Penny was at home by now and I was thinking of calling it a day . Buck went off to do what Buck does best , work on his classic cars at home . Penny was home talking to me sitting on the couch with Willy on her lap . " Comped ? You 're sounding like a true Vegas gal now . When shall we start making plans to move out , Buck is going next month to visit with Maria , I think he may be on the way out there too . " Two hours later we were snuggled up to each other on the couch , that was as far as we made it on the way to the bedroom . Willy was blocked in the kitchen since he thought we were wrestling and wanted to join in . Nothing worse than good sex with a tiny dog nipping at your butt . I was aware that Penny liked sex from the day I came back into her life at her station , after her show , when she ambushed me in her dressing room , or I should say , undressing room . I 'm not complaining , I enjoyed it too , but Penny made it especially good , so it was easy to enjoy it . I just hoped it wasn 't my downfall , I 'd hate to die in bed , too messy for Penny to have to dress me so my butt wouldn 't be in the crime scene photos . We sat now at the counter between the kitchen and family room , TV playing in the background , nothing good on , just playing for the ambient sounds . We munched on chips and drank our beer and kissed frequently . Willy was lying on the counter watching us with his head down . " Well , yes , but Marty will need a lot of attention while we are out there , he has a bad drinking problem and tends to lose his way . So Buck can nurse maid him till he gets his award . Marty asked me to keep him in line and I intend to honor my obligation . But I will buy a chauffeur 's cap for Buck to wear . " I grinned . I looked at the clock over the mantelpiece and it was now about 7 : 45 . We ambled over to the couch and plopped down to watch TV and relax . There wasn 't much on TV but it was our ritual now , so we enjoyed it . When Penny and I were out in Vegas getting married , Trapper and Becker were running around town pulling pranks on Captain Weber and they were great . I didn 't know that Trapper had video taped their goofiness . " I 'd love a copy . Matter of fact if you have extras , I 'd like three , I 'll buy . " He said they would and hung up . I looked at Penny and laughed , " Trapper actually pulled off the pranks and had cops running around , and had time to video tape it . Maybe we can put it on your show . " She was just saying that when there came a knock on the door , I was puzzled and went to look out . It was Trapper and Becker ; I looked at Penny and asked how did they do that . I opened the door and let them in . Trapper laughed and said they were out in the driveway when he called . I said hi to Barry Becker and asked them to have a seat . Trapper had a box and pulled out a DVD and handed it to me . I went to put it in the DVD player as Trapper offered Penny a beer from the case he had Becker carry . Then he handed me one as we sat and watched the video . It started off very professionally made , titles and music . We sat and laughed at their attempts to pour two gallons of food dye into the fountain of the Bellagio , then roared as the stripper danced around Weber in the Metro PD lobby . All the other silliness was enjoyed and when it ended we all applauded the efforts . " Isn 't this a confession as to your misdemeanors at the Bellagio and the lights at the Riviera ? " I asked . " Wouldn 't Weber be able to use this for filing a warrant for your arrest ? " " They 'll have to extradite me first , I 'll never go back willingly . " He kidded . " Besides if he tries , I 'll put this on YouTube . " We sat around talking about our trip out to Sin City , even though it was months ago . We made small talk and then I mentioned about my new case of taking an old friend out to the magic convention in Colon . Becker just about fell off his chair . " It 's only a four day convention , Penny 's station got us a motel just out of town , enough rooms for us and the camera crew . I 'll see if we can get an extra room for Buck and Becker , and you , if you want to come . " I said to Trapper . I gave Becker the details and called out to the motel and was able to get an extra room . I made sure we had enough rooms for all , Penny and me in one ; Marty in his own , which Buck was going to share , but I figured it 's better to have Marty on his own ; and the extra room for Becker and Buck and possibly Trapper . Despite the fact he refused to go . So it was arranged . I was going to visit Marty at his home in Eastpointe , formerly East Detroit , but I guess the town wanted it 's own identity . I drove down Gratiot Avenue to just below Nine Mile Road and making a Michigan left turn , I went to his street . Just to explain what a Michigan left turn is , most cross roads along a divided highway with median , won 't let you make the normal left turns on the road you want , so you had to waste time going past the road you want to left turn on , going to the left turn around lane going back to the crossroad and make a right turn onto the road you want , understand ? I really love Michigan . In Vegas you could make U - turns at an intersection , if you were brave enough . Whatever , I drove east on Nine Mile and found Melrose Street and turned down it . I got to the address that Marty gave me and up to the door . I banged on his front door for a short while , then went around to the back and banged on the back door . I looked into the windows on the back of the house and was startled to see Marty lying on the floor in what looked like his dining room . I ran to the back door and shoved my elbow into the glass and reached in to open the door . " Hey , I care , don 't play that tune on me . Let 's get you sober man . " I pulled him up and walked him to his bathroom and pushed him the shower and turned the water on full cold . He howled and tried to get out but I was stronger . I let the water run on his head for a while then pulled him out to towel him off . " Maybe not , but I can help one lousy drunk , and I will . You asked for my help to get you out to receive your award , and I will . And you will get that award clean and sober , if it kills me , because I 'm not going to let it kill you . I can 't get that award myself so I 'm depending on you to make me proud . You understand old man ? " He smiled and said he knew it was good to hire me . I walked away and called Buck and told him what just happened . I said I was going to pack his stuff for the trip and asked if I could bring him to Buck 's house for Buck to watch him . Buck said to bring him on , he 'd lock him in a room till he dried out . If anyone knew the pain of getting off the bottle , it was Buck . I went into Marty 's room and found a couple of suitcases in his closet and proceeded to pack what I thought he would need . I found his magic prop case and put that out by the door . I packed his toiletries and extra underwear , I dreaded to think what he had on since I didn 't see any dirty clothes lying around . I made him put on a nice pair of slacks and a Banlon pullover , taking a cardigan sweater and wrapping it around his neck , he looked like a damn preppie . I threw everything in my car and put a message on his phone saying he was unavailable till after the magic convention in which he was receiving a lifetime achievement award . He was sitting in his chair watching me put the message on the answering machine and quietly said thank you . He nodded his head and let me take him to my car . He asked to sit for a moment so he could think if he had everything . He looked at me and said he was ready . I drove out to Buck 's and introduced him to Marty . Marty was still weak and Buck and I helped him to the door of Buck 's home . We put him in the same room Penny and I shared back during the classmate murders and Buck said he installed a sliding bolt on the outer side of the door to help with Marty 's drying out . Marty was so tired looking , I hoped he didn 't pass away before we left . We had four days till we were to leave and I was betting on us making it . After Marty was tucked away in his bed , I gave Buck a wad of cash and said to get anything he needed to help with Marty . I said I 'd keep in touch and headed out . I was upset to say the least , but I was determined to make this work . Marty hired me . . . hell , he wanted me to help and I said I would . I got back to our home and Penny was already back and I told her of my morning , she could see I was upset and comforted me . We talked about it , I said I never realized that Marty was all that so deep into it , I guess when we were younger it was just fun to go out drinking until we nearly passed out . I now really felt for families of people who had this problem . I know that I enjoyed drinking beer but I had strict rules about it and never let it overtake me . I wasn 't addicted to drinking beer since I was more addicted to being in control and not allowing the alcohol to take over . When it got out of control it would end . I spent the next few days getting myself packed and gathering my magic prop table together to take along , never could tell when it might be needed . Penny was still pushing the remote broadcast on her show and it looked good to go . The first week of the month came and we got the limo dropped off by the station 's crew and it was beautiful , a burgundy Lincoln stretch limo , sweet . Buck 's mouth dropped when he drove up and saw the limo and then helped Marty out of his car . Marty looked good , all cleaned up , shaved and hair combed . He had a spring in his step as he came to the limo and said it was nice of us to take him in style . I smiled at Buck and said he did good . Becker came flying in and out of his car , then his mouth dropped at the sight of the limo . He made a comment about how he 'd like to drive one of these beasts . Buck looked at me and gave Becker the chauffeur 's cap and said he was the designated driver . Becker got that silly grin on his face and climbed in behind the wheel . I hoped he wouldn 't kill us . We all were in the limo and on our way . We drove out the freeways till they were no longer available in the area we were driving into and Becker was doing a commendable job driving . I was talking with Marty and he was telling me he made it a little hard on Buck being his patient . Buck just grinned and said Marty was no problem at all . Been there , done that , Buck said . The trip took just about four hours and we drove into Colon along State Street and got up to Blackstone Street by the City hall and I told Becker to turn right . We drove through the old Victorian style city , red brick buildings in a town of about two thousand year round residents . We drove up Blackstone Street , named after the famous magician Harry Blackstone , Sr . , and went up by Miller 's Landing to look at Sturgeon Lake . We drove back down and over to St . Joseph Street and around to Abbott 's Magic Company , the host of the convention . Founded in the 1927 , as the Blackstone Magic Company it was owned by Percy Abbott and Harry Blackstone Sr . , then in 1934 it was reopened as Abbott 's magic company when Abbott and Blackstone parted . Abbott took on a new partner , Recil Bordner and they decided the company needed a boost in sales . They held a private open house and it did so well , in 1937 they opened it to the public and ran it every year for now over 70 years to become the Abbott 's Magic Get - Together . I had Becker drive around to make everyone curious about the gorgeous limo and it 's contents , then we pulled up to the front of the building . Lonie had been alerted by my call to meet us at the store and she played it up big . Becker was enjoying his role and ran around to open the side door for us . I looked at Marty and said this was his big moment , and told him to get out first . He exited the vehicle and much to my surprise a good number of the people wandering the area recognized him and gave him a hearty applause . I told Penny to go out and she did with Willy under her arm and even she was recognized by a few people . The camera crew was working the scene and I stepped out to silence . Oh , Well . We went into Abbott 's and there were a number of people who recognized Marty and came over to him , I could see he was in his glory . We registered for the convention and the Abbott 's rep gave Marty and me instructions as to his part in the proceedings . We left the building and got back in the limo , as I was talking to Lonie about us going to get our rooms settled at the motel . She smiled and asked if I saw the movie Psycho , I said I had and she said don 't get the first room . I was worried by that and we drove out to the motel , it was looking about fifty years old , it was a lot like the Psycho motel . I looked around the side to see if there was an old house on a hill next to it , there wasn 't . We registered for our rooms and were putting our stuff away when there was a knock on Penny and my door . I opened it to find a face I was kind of expecting , Trapper . " About four hours ago , I 've been exploring the place and getting to know the cops here . Had a nice sit down with the chief of police and we got along well . I was exploring the magic shop when you guys rolled in , impressive entrance if I do say so . Where is my luxury suite ? " he asked . " That 's the immortal Mrs . Penny Wickens - Richards now , Chief . I 'm Jim Richards , private investigator from Macomb County . Penny 's husband . " " Chief , I want all your men out in their best uniforms and showing what Colon 's men in blue can do for the town . I 'd like that . " She smiled as the Chief agreed to have his men out for her tomorrow . " I 'll do just that ma ' am , thank you kindly . Well , I 'll let you all get settled in , I 've warned Charley , the motel owner to give you the best you need here , or I 'll put him out of business . " He laughed and said good night and left . " Yes she does . Get everyone on your side and you can get away with most things . " Penny smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek . " Trapper are you going to stand in the doorway all night or come in to sit ? " " Thanks Penny , but I think I may go surprise Becker and Buck . Then go see what the nightlife is like here in town . " Trapper gave a little smirk . " First off , don 't go pulling any pranks here , these are my people . Second , the nightlife is the American Legion hall , where the magicians gather to talk and drink . So go easy . " I smiled at him hoping he 'd stay out of trouble . " Damn , I drove all the way out here for drinking at an American Legion hall . I just may buy a twelve pack and go fishing . " He laughed and turned towards Becker 's room . I told Penny I was going to check on Marty , she said she still wanted to unpack her suitcases , all four of them . I said , yeah , one for each day . I left the room before she threw something at me . Marty 's room was next to ours and I gently knocked on the door . After a bit , it opened and Marty asked me to come in . He was getting his clothes and magic props ready and laid out . " I 'm happy to see you looking so well Marty , you really had me upset last week . " " I 'm really sorry about that , Jimmy . It 's been so many years downing the booze , a person just doesn 't realize that it effects others . But I feel great and ready to conquer . " " Great , get ready and we 'll go get lunch some where , my treat , as always . " I grinned . He said he 'd be ready and I left . Becker said he was hanging around me and Marty because he wanted any magic to rub off on him . Buck grinned and said he had to watch Marty so he 'd pass on the offer . Trapper looked a bit relieved and asked if we were hungry . I said it was time for lunch and we gathered everyone up and back into the limo . Trapper said he was taking his Jeep Cherokee to follow us . I told Becker that he didn 't have to wear the cap , he wasn 't the hired help . We drove around till we found a small diner and went in to eat . Marty was a big name in magic , despite being a local magician for years . He traveled around the world in his younger days and performed before kings and rulers of other countries . But Marty was still a humble and common man , which is the thing I liked about him , he wasn 't pretentious . There were a number of customers in the diner who must have been in town for the convention , they recognized Marty and he went to entertain his fans . I took our little company to a long table off the side and a waitress came over to get the table set up with waters and silverware . Marty rejoined us and we ordered . I reached in my pocket and brought out a small card , it was a registration card for the entire four days of the convention . I gave it to Trapper and said I thought he might show up , so I registered him . He grinned and said thanks . He enjoyed magic and really wanted to see the shows they had at night in the high school auditorium , that he read about online . We had finished eating when Lonie popped up in the diner with a couple of her crew . She came over and said she was just going to call Penny , they had a link set up in an hour to get the ball rolling and get the show to the network feed by 4 P . M . Penny said she 'd be ready and asked where it was going to be . Lonie smiled and said the Chief of Police had talked to the Mayor and we got the City Hall for today 's taping , they 'd do the live remote tomorrow from the Police station , and the next day was in the town square , weather permitting . The last day would be at Abbott 's Magic Company where we 'd do a walk around interviewing magic big wigs . Lonie had a number of guests lined up , time wasn 't critical , she had enough magicians to fill the daily hour and more . We finished up and headed to the city hall and parked the limo around the side . The Chief was directing the convention traffic with a couple of other of Colon 's finest and saw us . He said something to his officers and came to us . He walked up to Penny and offered his arm to escort her to the door , she thanked him and said that would be so nice of him . Lonie had one of the many crew members on this trip , following us around with a camera recording our activities before the show for later cuts into the program . The city had gone all out to set up the city hall for our visit and had chairs set up for Penny and her guests . Lonie was busy directing everyone into place . The show was ready to go . Lonie coached the audience to watch her signals for applause and yelled to standby by for taping . Lights were turned on and cameras were ready and Penny was given her cue as the show 's theme music blared out of speakers off the side . Lonie gave Penny her count down and my gal started doing the thing she did best , besides sex , become the great hostess she was . " Good afternoon , world . I 'm Penny Wickens and this is " Penny for Your Thoughts " . For the next four days we have a real treat , most talk shows just have a few magicians as guests , my show this week has a whole town of them . We are in Colon , Michigan , the magic capital of the world , for the big Abbott 's Magic Get - Together held every year now for the last 70 years . " Penny was reading off the teleprompter , but she was good enough to do it ad - lib if she had to . I was really proud of my woman . Buck , Trapper and Becker were sitting next to me off the side of the area set up for the broadcast , we had good seats . " Before I start talking to my guests , I want to introduce two people who are helping to make this show possible here in Colon , the Mayor and Chief of Police . " Penny stood and went to the two men sitting off the opposite side from us as the cameras panned to them . Penny talked and praised them for their gracious help , both men were pleased . Trapper leaned to me and said Penny is good at spreading the butter . I looked at him and then I thought about it , it made sense . Keep the wheels greased and everything moves well . Penny came back to her seat , Marty still sitting next to her ; she introduced her first guest , Marty Van Hought . Penny asked Marty about his illustrious career and about the award he was to receive later in the week . She finished with Marty and then introduced a young magician , a past winner of the Kid 's category of competition ; the boy performed his act and did well . He finished and Penny was announcing a magician who was going to perform in the adult stage competition this weekend , but there was something wrong . Lonie was running around the back and signaled to Penny to take a commercial , which Penny did . An officer came running up to the Chief and said something to him ; they ran off down a hall . I looked at Trapper , he looked at Becker , who looked at Buck . Buck looked at me and I got up followed by the guys and we went down the hall , out to the back of the building where we found three officers and the Chief , who was bending over the body of the next guest on Penny 's show , now dead . " I 'll take a look Chief , " he said as he bent down and saw what looked like a knife wound in the man 's chest bleeding out on the ground . " I 'm sure you can see it looks like a knife wound , but the strange thing is the knife wound continues out the back of his body . Damn long knife . " Trapper said . Trapper looked up to me , and agreed . " The body looks like it was brought here , he didn 't bleed out here . Not enough blood on the ground . Tire tracks on the grass suggest that he was dumped here but why , it 's too public . A ride out to the country would have been a better dump . " Trapper stood and turned to the Chief , " That 's the best I can tell you without a CSI here to gather evidence , which we are messing up by walking all over the crime scene . " The Chief started yelling for everyone to get out of the crime scene and had one of his officers get on the horn and call for State Police forensics . Lonie had now heard the news and got another magician lined up to perform . The Chief had two of his officers guard the crime scene until forensics could get there . We all went back to the broadcast and Penny was talking to a rep from Abbott 's about the convention , it 's history and events . Penny finished up announcing tomorrow 's show and the new location in town she would be at and did her finish up as the end credits rolled . Penny came to me and asked what was going on . I told her and she just looked at me and said , " Everywhere we go to get away , there 's a murder . Are you doing this ? " " Hell , no . But I think it 's becoming a curse . I know magicians are competitive but I don 't see murder as a way to get ahead . Maybe a jealous magician 's assistant caught him messing around with other bunnies . " Lonie came rushing up , " I love traveling with you guys , we get the best breaking news . I don 't know what I can get Gordy to offer for you to solve this crime , but I 'll negotiate . " With that she ran off . Just as she said that there was a scream from the back . We ran out followed by the guys and found that the scream came from the wife of the murdered magician . Trapper went over to the hysterical woman being comforted by the Chief . Trapper pulled a chair over and the Chief nodded to him , setting the woman down on it . I thought that was an odd comment to say . I knew many magicians who wanted glory , but the assistant is just a part of most shows and not a glory stealer . My guess is he had an ego that wanted it all . " Hell , no , you 're a big city homicide cop , we can use the help . I don 't want murder to become a regular thing here , let 's get this solved . " he exclaimed . Trapper went back as I stood by with Penny who was now holding Willy again . Trapper got down by the woman , " I really have to ask , I know it 's not pleasant , but it will help us catch the person who did this . Did your husband have any enemies , or someone he didn 't get along with ? " She looked at him with bloodshot eyes and shook her head , " No , none I know of . There were a few other magicians he didn 't like , too self - important he would say . " I knew what she spoke of . " Those men wouldn 't want my husband dead , they wouldn 't do that . " I came over to the Chief and said we should go to the school and look at his equipment and take the wife as she may spot something we could miss . He looked to Trapper and me , then nodded , saying he thought that was good , it may also be the scene of the murder . He asked the woman if she would go with us to look over her husband 's magic equipment for anything out of place . She agreed and the Chief , one officer and the woman went to his patrol car as Trapper led our group to his Jeep Cherokee parked by the side of the building behind the limo . We all drove out State Street and got to Dallas Street and up to the high school . I hadn 't been to an Abbott 's Get - Together in about thirty years , but the place hadn 't changed much . A great small village flavor to the place . We drove in and the woman , now introducing herself as Vicky , took us to his area where he had his equipment set up . Trapper asked me to examine the stuff since I knew what it all was ; I saw a lot of standard equipment on his table and a few props I wasn 't sure what they were for . Vicky filled me in on his act and I understood what he was doing . I asked if he used a sword in his act , she said yes , it was a standard card sword , one that a chosen card would appear stuck on . I asked where it was , she said it was on the side of the table , I said it wasn 't . She came around and looked , eyes getting wide , saying it was gone . " Well , Chief , you find that sword and you 'll probably find the killer . " I offered to the now weary Chief . He turned to his officer and said to get all available men to search the auditorium and the building for that matter , for the sword . Trapper was snooping around , along with Becker and Buck looking for the sword around the big stage . Marty and Penny were resting on a couple of chairs they found on the side of the stage . I came over to them and asked Marty if he ever experienced any murders in his career . He laughed no , but he did die on stage many times , I said I knew that feeling . Penny 's cell phone rang and she looked at it , opened the flip and said , " Hi Gordy . " she smiled at me and continued , " Yes , we are embroiled in murder again , not my fault , it 's Jim 's , " she listened , " Well , we 'll do what we can to spice it up , but no guarantees , talk later . " She looked to me and shook her head , " This business is filled with ghouls . Gordy wants coverage on the murder for a whole new show if we can make it last . Maybe we should kill someone else to keep it going . " Buck yelled from off in the darkness of the stage and came out with a handkerchief around the hilt of the sword . " I found it behind a bunch of set flats on the side of the stage . The thing has blood on it and I found a pool of blood by the area the sword was at . There 's a back stage door right by the spot going outside that would be perfect to put the body in a car or truck . " Trapper wondered why the killer just didn 't leave the body here and be gone . I said maybe it 's a statement that the killer wanted people to see the victim by dumping him at the city hall . " If it is a statement , from my experience , there may be more murders . If the killer wants to really make a statement . " Trapper said . " Well , I guess we find the killer real fast . " Trapper said as he was looking at the sword . " This looks messy on the hilt , could be hard to find prints , I see lots of smudges . " As we stood on the stage , a rather huge state trooper walked in and yelled for the Chief . We all came forward and then Becker yelled out , " Rick ! Is that you ? " Becker jumped off the stage and went to the cop standing a good head taller than Becker . They shook hands then gave a buddy hug and the cop , now known as Rick punched Becker and said it was good to see him , what was he doing here . Becker smiled and told him he was investigating a murder . The trooper said that was the reason he was there , they called for forensics and he brought his team out . They were at city hall and were told the Chief came out here . The big trooper gave Trapper a hard stare and Becker said he was OK , it was his boss from his squad in Clinton Township . Becker and Rick came up to the stage and Rick acknowledged the Chief , they must have known each other . Becker explained that Rick was his cousin on his mother 's side . " Rick , this is Will Trapper , my Lieutenant . " They shook hands and then Becker introduced everyone else . He got to Penny and the trooper 's eyes lit up , " Hey , you 're the woman from the talk show ? My wife loves your show , well , so do I . Pleasure to meet you . You are so good on that show . " Penny was amused by the flattery . I cut in and introduced myself as Mr . Wickens , Penny smacked my arm and said quit that . She introduced me by my name and said I was her husband and a great P . I . who solves dastardly crimes . He did some thinking and said , " Oh , yeah , I read about your stopping the Bridezilla killer out in Vegas . " I was a bit surprised by that , and asked how he knew . He said he goes online to follow certain crimes to get more familiar with serial killers and saw the reference . I said that was nice , I 'm associated online with serial killers now . He asked if he could talk to me about the case sometime , a first hand experience , I said sure . Trooper Rick was then asking the Chief if he could talk to him , alone . They went off to the side and talked . Trapper looked at Barry and asked if he had any more relatives running around loose . Becker said that Rick was the only one in this area , most of his family was in the Macomb County area . Rick and the Chief came back and the Chief called all his men in the area to come over , then said that State Police , early this morning , found a man on the side of the road by Marshall , Michigan on the way to Colon , dead since last night . No identification , but prints ran him to a man from Saginaw , they checked and he was another magician . The State Police questioned his family ; he was on his way to Colon to participate in the competition . And he was traveling with a person who the family couldn 't identify . The vic told his family that he was a friend interested in magic and wanted to see the convention . Rick spoke up , " that 's the reason I 'm here along with the forensic team , I 'm trained in serial killings , and we think this unknown subject , or unsub , may be one . I 'm glad that I 'm not alone here with experience in major crime cases involving serial killers , " he looked to Trapper and Becker and then me , I felt honored , " As I 'm sure they know , serial killers can be a pain to catch . The Chief has given me his full cooperation in this case and I 'm sure we don 't want anything to mar this great event . Gentlemen , let 's catch this guy . " The Chief told his men who were now gathered around us to give their full cooperation to Rick and his designated agents in this case and to pass the word along to the other officers in the squad . " We need to stop this fucker before he kills again . " The chief called his men to go with him to the station to set up their duties . He shook Rick 's hand again and said it was too bad they weren ? t seeing each other again under better circumstances . The cops all piled out and Rick turned to us and asked if we could have a pow - wow and see what we can come up with . The forensic team came into the auditorium and Becker said he 'd show them to the crime scene . People were starting to come into the gym and Rick told the two Colon cops who stayed to help , to have the room closed , till forensics were finished . We all went to the side and sat on the bleachers as Rick asked to be filled in on events before he arrived . Trapper filled him in on the day up to finding the body , nothing spectacular . He turned to Vicky who he asked to stay and help fill him in on details about her husband . " Ma ' am , I 'm sorry for your loss , but did your husband make any new friends or have anyone asking him a lot of questions about his act or magic in general since he was here ? " " No one I was aware of , I wasn 't with him all morning , I was shopping in the village stores . I didn 't see my husband until . . . " She choked and Penny went to her , putting her arm around the woman as she started to cry . Penny helped her to the bleacher seat and sat next to her . Willy was still in his doggy purse Penny carried , looking like he wanted to play . " Well , Will , I hope this doesn 't get messy . I remember you and Jim now from the Classmate Murders . Such a horrible case . " Rick responded . Trapper said he knew the frustration trying to track down those killers . I asked Buck to come with me and we went to the side . " Well , someone is killing magicians , I want you to be on extra alert for Marty , he 's the big kahuna for this event , and a prize for a murderer . I 'm wondering why this guy would hit magicians . " We went back to the group and I spoke up , " Vicky , your husband was going to be in the competition , correct ? " She nodded , " Rick , you said the magician found on the side of the road was coming to compete , correct ? " Rick said that 's what the family told them . " OK , we have a connection , it 's the competition , he 's killing off competitors . " Rick smiled and said we should go get a list of contestants and check their whereabouts during these murders . " I mentioned to Rick that the killer must have taken the Saginaw magician 's car to get here , maybe his family can fill us in on the car make and plates to see if it 's in the area . He smiled and said very good and called to one of the Colon cops and told him what to check on . He went off to get hold of the State police to pass along the request . We all started to get up to go . I told Marty , " Buck was going to stick to you like glue , so don 't get annoyed if he shadows you everywhere , even to the bathroom . " Buck laughed and said not hardly , but he would wait outside the door . I went to Penny who was still comforting Vicky . I asked if Vicky had any friends or family here at the convention , she said no , she was all alone . I said she could hang with us till we can arrange to get her back home . She thanked us and said she was afraid , Penny said to not worry , we won 't let anything harm her . I also figured she would be a good companion for Penny , it 's usually hard on her with all the men around . We all left the high school and found out that Vicky 's husband had gotten them a room at our motel also , so that worked well . I said safety in numbers and had Buck take charge of the women and Marty and see that they were entertained . I said he could use the limo , he liked that . We all drove back to town and dropped off Buck and his group at the limo and Trapper , Becker and I went to Abbott 's main store and found Rick waiting in the parking lot . We went in and found the manager , asking to go somewhere private . We told him what was happening , and he was shocked . Rick asked to see his list of contestants for the men 's competition . I said both vics were in the stage category , he went out and then brought us a list . Rick was now aware that I was a magician after Becker told him , so he told me to take lead on the competition angle , since I knew what to look for . I looked over the list and didn 't recognize anyone , it had been years since I was involved with local magicians , but I did recognize a few names on the judge 's list . One in particular , I had contacted when I got back from Vegas , to see how things were here in Michigan for doing shows . He down played it ; saying times were tough , so I didn 't pursue doing any shows . I said since there were two less magicians competing , the list was down to three performers . I had an idea , but I was sure Penny would hate it . I looked to the man in charge and said I wanted to put my name on the list as a competitor . I was offering myself up for bait . Trapper wasn 't liking the idea , but I said we were a step up on the guy , we knew his motive . I was sure I could be watched and hopefully catch the guy . Rick said it may work and he would call in a couple of his plain clothed officers to help with protection . The man in charge , Mike was his name , said that he could revise the list and include me . The day went by fast , Buck joined us back in town and we did manage to see the magic showroom and a little of the town . Vicky was holding up well , she took a liking to Willy , so Penny let her carry the pup . Willy was happy . Rick had arranged for Vicky 's husband to be transported back to their hometown in Grand Rapids , after the M . E . was finished with him . That night we attended the first magic show in the school auditorium , it went well , very enjoyable . The magician performing had been around forever and I remember him from back in 1972 , when I first came to the Get - Together . His act was the same though , a magician 's creed , if it works don 't mess with it . We ended up at the American Legion hall although our mood wasn 't at party level , after the events of the day . Buck was not letting Marty drink any alcohol so it was tough on Marty . I gave a thumbs up to Buck when he looked to me . The evening ended and we drove back in the limo to the Bate 's motel as we were calling it . There were big clunky wooden lawn chairs around a big clunky wooden table on the lawn in front of the motel , and we all sat out under the stars talking about the day . I warned everyone not to say anything about my performing till I could talk to Penny . Vicky was doing better now , especially after a few drinks at the legion hall . Buck was going to stay in the same room with Marty ; I felt it would be better . Trapper looked around and asked if we minded if he stayed with Becker . I said what about his mansion out on the lake . He said it was a shack , drafty and too many bugs out by the water , and smelly with fish . I laughed and said I 'd feel better if he were close by . We all packed it in and went to our rooms . Penny sighed and said that was some day , I said it wasn 't over . She looked at me and said I was going to do something stupid , wasn 't I . I had to laugh , " I entered myself in the competition on Friday , to draw out the Killer . " I waited for her to get upset , she said she figured when I packed my magic equipment to bring , that it was going to be something that she may not like . She sat next to me , " I spent the better part of the day nursing Vicky , wounded from having her husband murdered and thinking how I would feel with out you . I could understand her hurting . I want you to catch this bastard , even it you get killed . " I stared at her , and said , " What was that ? " " Oh , I 'm kidding , I 'd kill you if you got killed . So don 't . Just catch the guy . " She kissed me hard and long and I asked what should we do with Willy ? She looked to the bathroom , and said , he 's going to hate us . She was going to get Willy , but he was so sound asleep on the chair in the room . She stopped and said if we hurry we can be done before he wakes . We didn 't rush . The next morning was beautiful and we were refreshed . Willy was still lying on the chair watching us getting up . He finally stood and I took him out for a walk and a dump . I saw Trapper standing by the door to his room and said good morning . He smiled and said he loved the country air in the morning , so fresh and clean . I said he was clearing out his lungs from all the pollution of the city . He agreed . He said Becker was still sleeping , he didn 't want to wake him , it 's only 6 A . M . so he could have another hour to recharge . Trapper and I went to the lawn chairs and sat , Willy on my lap . " Mike said he was posting my credentials for the competition , maybe the killer will feel threaten by my experience . I don 't know if the guy is in the competition or just outside the thing ; it doesn 't make sense , not to be part of it . He 'd have a better motive for his killings , the desire to win . The men who died had good backgrounds in magic and Vicky 's husband was the winner from last year . I talked to Rick last night and he is running background checks on the other three performers still in the competition , maybe come up with something . Trapper was quiet , then asked if I brought the Kevlar vest he gave me . I said no , I didn 't think I 'd need it at a magic convention . He got up and went to his Jeep and opened up the back and took out the vest he kept there for emergencies . He tossed it to me and said better to be safe than sorry , I grinned and said thanks . Becker came stumbling out of the room and saw us , coming over to plop down on a chair . " I know Rick can drink anyone under the table , he has the body and stomach to handle it . What 's our plan of attack today ? " " To enjoy ourselves , not to look conspicuous , and catch a killer , think you can handle that ? " I asked knowing his head was hurting a bit . Trapper was suppressing a laugh . " Oh , excuse me . . . " Becker ran off to his room . I knew he was going to be sick . " Amateur , should leave the drinking to us professionals . Penny wasn 't crazy about my competing , but she spent her day with Vicky and wanted the killer more than we do . " Penny appeared at the door to our room and asked if we were going to beat our chests all day or just sniff each other 's butts . I laughed now knowing she was listening to us . " Damn , I can 't ever get a moment alone . " I moaned playfully . We all dressed properly and went back into town , Buck driving the women , Marty and me in the limo ; Trapper and Becker followed in the jeep . We got to the showroom and went in to walk around , trying to show me off for the killer . Rick came up in civilian clothes and said he had a number of men around who all knew what I looked like . Penny had about five hours before her show and planned to spend the day with me . I thought that it might be dangerous for her to be around me in case the killer makes a move , but in public he wouldn 't try anything . Buck was still sticking tight to Marty ; they were becoming fast friends now that Marty was teaching Buck a few magic tricks . Vicky was still hanging on to Penny and carrying Willy for us , he liked her . I felt sorry for her , but nothing much I could do for her , except support her . We were checking out some new magic props when I heard a familiar voice , Mitchell Short , the man I called when I got back from Vegas and he told me there was no call for magicians , and he was also a judge for the competition . " Jim , it is you . I saw the name and the bio and I said to myself , it had to be the same crappy magician that I used to run with . " He had the same dumb smile and look he had thirty years ago , just older and uglier . " You don 't really think you can win the competition , there are actually good magicians entering . " He laughed . " Jim , is this the washed up , has - been magician you told me about ? " Penny interjected into our conversation . My ribs tightened up from trying to hold in the laugh from her comment , and I said it was . Mitch looked at Penny and said , " I know you , you 're from the TV , a talk show host . I 've seen your show , I enjoyed it . And I am not washed up or has - been yet . Speaking of that , how are you Jim ? " " Doing really good , until you showed up . Penny is my wife and a great sexual partner . Don 't even comment on that , she hits hard . Still trying to perfect the art of magic ? " Penny and I both looked at her and I asked her to elaborate . She told us that Mitch and Fred , her husband , hated each other . They were always trying to outdo each other with new magic tricks ; Fred was a magic prop inventor . I knew Mitch was also . Vicky said Fred was mad because Mitch had stolen a couple of ideas from him for a couple great magic tricks and claimed they were his . Fred couldn 't prove anything and Mitch got the credit . Fred was working on a new illusion that he said would rock the magic world but some how Mitch found out and was trying to get the plans from him , Fred refused to let him even see the thing . I asked where this new prop was , Vicky said it was in the motel room , Fred was going to perform it for the competition , before Mitch could steal it . I said I 'd like to see it , if she didn 't mind . She looked at me and said , " Better yet , I want you to perform it for the competition , Fred would like that . " I corralled Trapper , who was with Marty , Buck and Becker and said I needed to borrow his Jeep . He asked if I was good enough to drive such a fine vehicle , I said yeah , yeah , now give me the keys . He did and said don 't be so impatient . I thanked him and ran off with Penny and Vicky . We drove out to the motel and got there shortly after . Vicky took us to her room and in . She went to a large trunk and opened it by removing two padlocks and took out a beautiful hand carved walnut box . She opened it and showed me what was inside . She explained the principle and how it worked , I was amazed at the simplicity of it and the beauty of the finished product . I said if this illusion does as promised , I would guarantee it would be a big seller and make Fred 's name known . Plus the cash from the sales wouldn 't hurt . I said we never mention this to anyone , I wanted it to be a surprise . We all said we 'd keep the secret and I took the box to my room and locked it away in my prop case . No one would think to look there . We drove back to the town and met up with our team and we wandered the streets . We walked to the Police station , where Penny was broadcasting her show from today . They had a really nice stage set up out front of the quaint building and her camera crew was already setting up their equipment . Lonie came over and said the over night ratings were in and Penny won the time slot for her show yesterday . Penny cheered and jumped up and down . Ratings where important in the survival of a show . Our little gang took our seats in the front row as the people who would make up the audience were allowed to seat themselves . I covered my seat with my jacket , next to Buck , and went to see Penny get ready for her show ; the groupies doing her make up . We had a little ritual before her show whenever I was attending , we kissed . I gave her a big smooch and went back out to my seat . Lonie had the line up for today 's show , a couple of magicians performing and unfortunately a judge for the competition talking about the contest . Guess who ? Penny got through the Chief of Police interview and the demo of police tactics in a small town , then moved on to the first magician , a youngster from Indiana , who put on a pretty good dove act for someone so young . There was information about the convention highlights for today and then , unfortunately it was time for Mitch Short to give his little spiel about the contest . I was worried Penny would decimate him , she was good at it , but she backed off . Mitch explained that the contest this year had an extra incentive for winning . A contract to perform on an ocean liner for six months entertaining on the ship board stage . I hadn 't heard that , but it sounded nice . I knew I 'd never win with Mitch judging but with my ace in the hole , Fred 's illusion , I stood a chance of impressing the hell out of the audience . That was all I wanted to do . Mitch gave a rundown on the performers , I could tell he was biting his tongue when he got to my bio , but he read it from the paper as it was written , I gave him that much . I hoped it was enough to make the killer come after me , we would see . I wasn 't bragging , but my experiences were impressive , and I had a more elaborate past in magic than all the other competitors . Penny 's show came to an end , and everyone thanked everyone and went off . I found Mike and said I needed to talk to the stage tech for the competition and he made a call and had a young man named Packo come in to meet with us at the high school . I told Buck , Trapper and Becker what I wanted to do , so we piled everyone in the limo as I had Trapper take me in his jeep back to the motel to get my secret weapon . We met everyone at the school and the tech guy let us in the auditorium . I noticed that there were a couple of men watching us and went to them , they identified themselves as State Police . I invited them in to the building , as I wanted enough people to watch what I was going to do . I called up Marty and Buck to the stage and took them backstage to explain what I needed from them . Marty was clever enough to understand the principles of magic for what I needed him to do , along with Buck 's help . I talked to the tech guy and we went over his list of music and I found the perfect one , " Lady " , by Styx . I knew Penny would appreciate the use of that music selection . I went out and set up as though I was going to perform . Penny knew you don 't do a show without rehearsal or at least a run through . I yelled for the tech as to when I wanted the music to start . He yelled back that he was ready . It got quiet , and I was ready . I came forward out into a spotlight and announced the most amazing feat of illusion never seen before today . Created by a magician named Fred Carlson , who recently passed away , before seeing his creation performed . I was honored by his widow to be allowed to bring this illusion to life . I stepped back and the music started . I brought the box forward and out into the light . The music faded , the illusion ended , and it was stone silent for a full fifteen seconds before everyone realized what just happened and stood applauding , even the cops . Marty came out and said it was a triumph in magic , and went to congratulate Vicky on her late husband 's achievement . I yelled for everyone including the tech guy to come forward . The tech guy was dumb struck , he said it was beautiful . I swore everyone to silence on punishment of death if anyone said anything about Fred 's masterpiece before the show . Everyone agreed , and I packed away the equipment and stowed it in a locked box I bought earlier today at an office supply place . I took aside the tech guy and asked if they had a vault or case that I could lock the thing into before the show , he smiled and took me to a back prop room and showed me a huge metal cabinet that had hasps on it for a lock . I put the box I had in and closed the metal doors and put on a couple of high security padlocks I bought and locked the thing away . I looked at him and said , showing him my Glock in its holster , that if anything happens to this I would hunt him down . He said don 't worry , he was impressed enough to keep it secret . We all went back to town and got some dinner at a local restaurant and were enjoying the meal as people were passing by complimenting Penny on her show . Willy was trying to get at the food and Vicky was accommodating him from her plate . I could see the change in Vicky since I performed her husband 's illusion , she was happy and at peace with it all . Penny leaned into me and whispered in my ear , " Were you thinking of Pixie while you did that illusion ? " I said , " truthfully , I was , but not as a sexual interest , like I do you , but as the beauty of the illusion that she created the day she spun around the strip club stage . I saw the moves and story in Fred 's illusion and projected that into the effect . " She kissed my cheek then said , " Well , that 's all right , then . I loved the effect . " The second evening performance of magic was our next project , so we got ourselves organized and went to the high school and sat waiting for the show to begin . I surveyed the crowd of magic fans , trying to see if I recognized anyone from my past . The faces all looked so young and new , I saw only a couple of people I knew from magic past . The room went dark and the performance started . It was a variety of acts from a ventriloquist to card flipping magicians . The final act was an illusion bit by a magician I had heard of but never seen . He did a good job and then the show ended . We all gathered outside and decided to go hit the American Legion hall again . We got there and found a table that we could fit in , luckily we arrived before the crowd . Everyone sat and I went to get beer and pop for my friends with Barry helping . After a while Trooper Rick came in and over to our table , he acknowledged Barry and said hi to the rest of us . I pulled a chair over next to me and he sat . " I got the background checks on the other three performers , nothing stands out as to any criminal past for any of them . They all are just regular Joe 's , simple jobs and families that are textbook plain . One is married , one engaged and one . . . well , we think he swings to his own side . OK , he 's probably gay , lives with another man and they applied for a marriage license in their state when they had passed gay marriages . " I mumbled that makes him gay , Rick . He continued , " Anyway , the three have been good citizens and have spotless records . " Rick said he had men watching each of the contestants , from afar so not to spook the killer . " I don 't think the killer would make a try for me , I 'm always surrounded by my posse . I think it 's time to separate from the pack . " I looked at Penny , " You 're not going to be happy , but it needs to be done . " I stood and told everyone , rather loudly that I was going over to the auditorium to rehearse my new illusion for the competition and I would see them all later . I asked Trapper if I could borrow his Jeep and he said , just don 't get run off the road . I left as Rick was on his cell phone setting up a stakeout of the school for me to get there . Penny looked at Trapper , Becker and Buck and asked if they were just going to sit there and let me get killed . They looked at each other and quietly started to get up , Trapper asked Buck if he 'd stay to watch the women and most of all Marty , Buck said he would and sat back down . Packo had the door unlocked and I said that he didn 't have to hang around , I would see that the doors were locked when I left . He thanked me and went off to his car and I heard him drive off . I went to the prop room to make sure the cabinet was still secured , it was . I went over to my magic prop table ; just to be sure it was not tampered with , since I had set it up earlier before doing Fred 's illusion . I was just sitting on a chair staring at my equipment when I heard a noise . I instinctively felt for my Glock through my jacket and unsnapped the strap that kept it in place . My blood chilled as I heard a creepy laugh come from above me . I stood and had my hand on my Glock and looked up , but the work lights prevented me from seeing the ceiling . I heard movement above just as a sandbag came crashing down missing me by inches . I had my Glock out now and yelled , " Bad aim , you missed . " " Maybe I didn 't want to kill you , think of that . " Came a disguised muffled voice from somewhere above . I circle around trying to see , I now wished I knew where the building lights were . " What makes you think I killed two people ? Maybe I killed three , you haven 't checked the other competitors lately have you ? " It sounded more of a statement than a question . I was now worried about the other magicians . " So , you are going to toy with me to satisfy your own needs ? Am I to live for the final announcement of the winner ? Or are you going to kill me to prevent me from winning . " " They displeased me . Magicians now days make me sick , prancing around pretending to be wizards casting spells and making people believe they can conjure up genies . Like that idiot out in Vegas who walks up the sides of buildings . " " Yeah . . . I like that . They will all die in the end . Along with you and Marty and any other magician who thinks they can show me up . I 'm the only true magician in this world and I will prove it . After I eliminate a few false prophets . " he went quiet , then the gun fire , the bullet barely missing me , I fired up to the ceiling with my Glock shortly before I heard the doors come crashing open and in streamed Rick , Trapper and Becker followed by the undercover cops . They looked up where I was pointing and one of the cops found the light switches by the door and started to illuminate the room . Everyone was aiming their weapons towards the ceiling , but I saw the trap door in the roof , open , and said he had gotten outside . We ran out and looked around the building but found nothing . We all gathered by the door again and I pulled out my Palm Treo cell phone that I had the record function going on it and played back the conversation the killer and I had . Rick cleared his throat , " I may have an answer for that , I got a call about an hour ago , the stranger in the Saginaw magician 's car turned up dead also . Found early this morning in the missing car about ten miles out of Colon . My post sent our forensics to check it and took prints ; he was a felon with links to hits around the country , but he also like magic . My men found a card in his pocket with the Saginaw magician 's address and some info on him , I guess setting up for the ride along and kill . He may be the third victim the killer referred to . " " So , our killer hires a hit man to kill the first magician , then he comes in and murders Fred with his card sword and dumps the body out back of City Hall . Then goes to meet the hit man and kills him . Strange . " I commented . It was getting late and I was wearing down , I called Penny and asked where she was . She said they had gotten some carry out beers and pop and were back at the motel , I said to save a beer or two for me . Rick said he was going to have his men scout around the property for the killer for a while , I said to Trapper that we should call it for the night , he agreed . We parted company with Rick and his men and we climbed into Trapper 's Jeep and went back to the Bate 's Motel . We arrived and everyone was sitting out on the clunky chairs again . Penny put a beer in my hand then kissed me . " Two of the greatest things in my world . A cold can of beer and a kiss from you . " I smiled . I filled Penny in on my evening , down playing the closeness of the gunshot . We all decided that we needed rest more than talk so everyone started to amble off to their rooms . Trapper and Becker decided they were sitting out for a while longer , Marty was tired so he went off to his room , Buck followed saying he needed his beauty sleep . Penny said good night to Vicky and she came and kissed my cheek thanking me again for helping with Fred 's dream . I smiled and said to get some rest and she went off to her room . Penny put her arm around my shoulders as we walked to our room and in . We decided to conserve on water , so we showered together with Willy getting wet at our feet . I pissed off Penny by doing the Psycho shower thing with my hand pretending to knife her . I luckily covered my family jewels in time for her retaliation . We toweled ourselves off and then the dog , then went to the bed and sprawled out . Willy jumped up on the chair , he seemed to like it , maybe because it was all for him . I took my Palm Treo and played back the recording of the killer 's conversation using my earphones so it wouldn 't upset Penny . I listened to it a couple of times and was trying to figure out the killer by what he said . He mentioned Marty by name , along with me , so he had to know that I brought Marty out with my group . He said I couldn 't win the contest , like he knew the outcome , did he have a judge in his pocket or have something on him to vote for the one that he wanted to win ? He was also a person who didn 't like the new breed of magicians , like David Copperfield , Criss Angel and David Blaine , all trying to extol their magic as real . Wasn 't that the soul of performing magic , to make the audience believe they were capable of doing real feats of wonder ? David Copperfield at least had a style ; the other two were what I called grunge magicians , unkempt and unruly performers . I wondered if it was a good image for our fraternity . Damn it , we graduated from the cloaks and hoods of ye olde days to the tux and tails of classic magicians , that represented our people in times of need , to entertain . Now the unwashed and the make - upped performers emulating Marilyn Manson on a bad hair day , that wasn 't my kind of magician . Unfortunately , the younger generation gets off on such theatrics , which it is , that the zombie does well floating a severed head . OH , well . Penny rolled over to me and snuggled , I pulled the earphones out and set the whole thing on the bed stand . I reached around her and hugged her tightly . We slept in each other 's arms that night . My cell rang around 6 : 40 and I grabbed it to see the caller ID . It was just a number I didn 't recognize . I answered and it was Mike asking if I 'd come to the auditorium . I had a bad feeling and dressed quickly and told Penny to stay in bed . She said like hell , and got up to dress with me . I went next door and woke Trapper and asked to use his car , he handed me the keys and said to keep them and went back to sleep . Penny and I drove to the high school and arrived ; there were a couple of cops and Packo standing outside . I came up and asked him what was going on . I asked if they got it , he said no , the cabinet and my locks were stronger than they could handle , so luckily my package was safe . I went in and was greeted by the Chief , and Rick was there , I went back to the prop room followed by them and checked the condition of the locks . I had bought rotary locks , ones with the high tensile steel , with the short bolt head , which made it impossible to cut through . I was thankful for that . I looked to Rick and said there were very few people who knew about the magic prop I locked in this cabinet . Vicky 's husband , Fred , may have been murdered for it . I explained to Rick and the Chief about how the illusion could become the next big thing in magic , so amazing and simple it would be a part of every magician 's prop list . Worth millions . I was now believing it was a good motive for the murder of Fred .

Rachel really wanted a remote control spider . Santa had to look a few places to find one . Anna was excited about all of her Polly Pockets . Alex was so into playing his new leapster , that I couldn 't get him to look at the camera . Caleb with his new crystal growing kit . Rachel got a camera for Christmas , and took this picture of me and Anna . Now , you might actually start seeing me in a few pictures . Can you tell I colored my hair ? Its really just a shade darker with a little bit of red . Rachel was a beautiful angel . My boys were silly shepherds ! Anna was really excited to be Mary . She took it really seriously and was very solemn . Since Dan had the day off for Christmas Eve , we decided to go running together this morning . He hasn 't really run much for a few months . I run a mile here and there . We decided that we would go 2 miles together . Rachel is old enough to be in charge at home while we go running for a few minutes . I must say , the run really sucked . It has been so long since I 've run that far . And about a year and a half since I have run with Dan . I was certain that I could keep up with him . But I could not . After about 3 / 4 a mile , my leg felt like weight - lifting to move . He stopped off and on for me to catch up . By the time we got back home , I was so discouraged , I cried . What has happened to me ? I can barely shuffle along and call it running . My leg hurts so bad after a really slow short run . After a pity - party I started thinking of all I am grateful for . When I was playing the piano today , I remembered how lucky I am that its my left leg that has problems . I use my right leg for the pedal . And for the gas pedal when I 'm driving . I can go up and down my stairs so quickly compaired to what I used to . When I was at my worst , I kept missing the phone when it would ring because I could not get to it fast enough . Heck , I have legs ! ! I have a cousin who had to have both of his legs amputated . I can 't complain . I 've got it good ! I have a husband and four wonderful kids . How blessed I am ! I know there are some that want to be married that are not . I know there are some that want children but cannot . I certainly shouldn 't take this for granted . A little while later , I drove past the Murray Cemetary . As I drove past , I saw two people embracing and crying at a grave . My heart ached for them . I was recently assigned to visiting teach a new woman in our ward whose husband died two months ago . As I visited with her , and she cried , I wished that I could make it all better for her . But I can 't make it all better . My nieces and nephew lost their father this year . I 've been thinking of them and their first Christmas without him . How thankful I am for thPosted by Time seems to be flying by so quickly this month ! Last Monday was my birthday . Dan bravely took all 4 kids shopping by himself and picked me out some nice presents . In the evening , we went to my parents house for soup and dessert . My mom always makes Strawberry Cream Cheese pie for me . I love it ! I think our kids were more excited for my birthday than I was . Tuesday we had Caleb 's program at school . It was overcrowded , and by the end I bribed Rachel into going home with Anna & Alex and paying her to babysit . Dan had to leave early because he had to go to tithing settlement . ( He 's the financial clerk now ) . So , he took them home . I enjoyed it much more after Anna and Alex weren 't there complaining and trying to run off . Caleb is so funny . He looked and me and smiled most of the time his class was up there . He told me that his music teacher told them not to look at their parents during it . He confessed that he looked at me at least half of the time . Funny boy ! Wednesday was Rachel 's school Christmas program . She looked really cute in her reindeer antlers . Dan stayed home with Anna and Alex after how well the night before went . I was surprised that they sang some religious songs like Silent night and O Come O Come Emmanuel . Their school does not promote any religion . But they sang songs of all religions and cultures . On Friday , I went with my mom , niece and sister to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir concert . We left really early , but traffic was terrible . Luckily , I got the bright idea that we should take 600 N . We parked and made in there in time to get in . Many people didn 't get in , even with tickets . David Archuleta has a great voice . This is the 4th Mo - Tab concert I 've been to . My very favorite was Sissel about 5 years ago . David Archuleta probably ranks second in the ones I 've been to . I love hanging out with the girls in my fam ! Last night , we had the Marchant family Christmas party . I must admit that it gets a bit crazy . There 's now about 25 grandkids . Add that to 8 kids , 5 spouses , 1 fiance ( Becca 's ) , and a couple of Posted by Dan and recently celebrated our 12th anniversary . I can 't believe it has already been that long ! We had a wonderful night without our kids . ( Thanks to my in - laws for taking them ) The other day I ran to Walgreens late at night . I noticed an engaged couple on our street out kissing by their car . I had to smile . It reminded me of the good old days of kissing Dan by the car . We always hated to go to our own homes at night . I love Dan , and I am glad he 's my husband . We had a good Thanksgiving . We had a lunchtime Thanksgiving dinner with my family , and a dinnertime Thanksgiving dinner with Dan 's family . Dan 's mom make the best orange rolls ever ! Both families make different items , and I like that . On Saturday night , we took our kids to the live nativity in Alpine . ( Thanks , Sinika for posting it on your blog . ) Anna fell asleep on the way there . For those of you that know Anna , you know that she screams a lot when she wakes up . She woke up very crabby . She cried while we were waiting , unless Dan held her . Good thing she 's not a heavy 5 - year - old . They take you to the nativity from the church in a horsetrailer with hay bales . As soon as we sat down , the people in the trailer starting singing Christmas carols . Anna sure cheered up ! She thought it was great . Our kids loved seeing the animals . Especially the camels . The part with Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus was nicely done . They even had a real baby . It was actually very sweet . After the nativity , they served hot chocolate . I am already hearing , " When we go back next year . . . . " from all of our kids . It was a great way to start the Christmas season . On Monday , we had our Christmas piano recital . I combine my 5 students with the teacher who teaches my two older kids . They all did a great job ! This was Anna 's first piano recital . I don 't normally teach kids so young , but Anna has really wanted to learn . S0 , I started teaching Anna in September . She played " We Three Kings " . She loves that song now , and always wants to hear it on my Ipod . I am proud of my kids and my piano studentsChristine Rowley HEAT . It is cold outside today . As I drove through Midvale past our old condo , I thought back to when I lived there . It was a poor area . Dan said that at PEC , the bishop half - joked that they needed to set up two lines . One for welfare , and one for ex - communications . One winter evening , I went visiting teaching to a middle - aged lady in our ward . Dan was at school , so I took Rachel with me . I did not have a VT partner that would come with me . When I got to the woman 's house , I was surprised . They did not have heat . They were poor and could not afford to have the gas on . They were trying to keep their house warm with just their fireplace . She mentioned that if I knew anyone with free firewood , they could use some . We wore our coats during the whole visit , and the fireplace did have a fire going . Rachel and I came home smelling like a campfire . So , today I am thankful for heat . I am thankful that I don 't have to smell like a campfire to stay warm . How blessed we are ! ! Alex turned 3 a few weeks ago . We spent his birthday at Aspen Grove for a family weekend getaway . This picture turned out really fuzzy . But I liked how happy he looked . He blew out his candles before the birthday song , so we had to light them twice . He looks like such a big boy on my lap now ! Alex is at a really cute age . He gets excited easily . Yesterday , when we were driving past a contruction site , he exclaimed , " Wow , a crane ! " Funny , the rest of us don 't get that excited about a crane or a tractor . Before his birthday , he was pointing out all of the tractors doing road contruction , and mentioning that he wanted them for his birthday . I asked him where he would put such a big tractor . He said , " In the dirt . " He didn 't get a real tractor . But he did get a remote - control tractor . Lately , he likes Dan to read him a book called , " The Big Fat Cow that goes Ka - Pow " . Alex takes the time to stop and blow the dandelions . Thankfully , Alex has mellowed out a lot during the last year . He no longer gets into things and dumps them on purpose . He has quit flushing everything he could find down the toilet . He actually watches tv and plays with toys now . I can almost sigh a sigh of relief that he has calmed down . I am so thankful for Alex and the joy that he is to us . This is just the start of all of October Happenings . This is my reflection on Anna . What a joy she is to our family ! NewbornOne year oldTwoThreeFourFive You can 't see her eyes well in this last picture . But I liked how intently she was looking at her candles . Anna has such beautiful curly hair ! It is not very fun to fix though . Her hair is actually quite long . It goes halfway down her back . Since it is curly , you can 't tell . She loves her hair in braids . I love how Anna goes around singing a lot . Last week she was out in the backyard playing singing loudly about what a beautiful day it was . It was a beautiful day . It made me smile . I love how she gives me such sweet kisses when I drop her off at preschool . Her favorite books are " Froggy " books . She loves playing with friends . She loves Land Before Time . ( That cursed movie with about 100 sequels ) I am glad I have this sweet little girl for my daughter . Anna and Alex had birthdays and I have a lot of pictures and stuff to update . But I haven 't uploaded the pictures yet . So here 's a picture - less story instead . We had some dark green couches in the basement that really got on my bad list . Every day when I came downstairs , someone had pulled a handfull of cotton out of the inside of the couch and thrown it all over the floor . One guilty child admitted that it bugged him that it wasn 't sewn up so he couldn 't help it . I guess the devil made him do it . : ) Two other guilty children pled innocent . Then two someones peed on the couch recently . The couch was disassembled and cleaned and put back together again . After being sick with strep for a few days , and getting a few days behind on the cotton - picking - up , I decided the couches had to go . We convinced some neighbors to help us load them in the truck to take to DI . DI did not want to couches . So , off to the dump they went . Dan picked up our new sectional in his truck , and came home with it . After we got it home , it got a bit tricky . First , Dan tried the side - door of the house with the first piece . It got stuck . After a bit of manuevering , we took it around back through the sliding glass door . This too was a tight fit . Dan was convinced if I squished the cussions down enough while he pushed that it would fit in the door . It did - - sort of . It made a few little scrapes on the bottom of the brand new couch . And it took a lot of effort . After the back door ordeal , I questioned whether it would fit in the basement . Of course it would Dan said . And we couldn 't take them back now that we damaged them a little . I don 't think a sectional on the deck was what we had in mind . First , Dan took off the railing to get the piece of sectional down the stairs . Then , we pushed and shoved . And the couch got stuck in the doorway at the bottom of the stairs . An hour or two later , we got it unstuck and back up the stairs . Then , Dan started a demolition project . He always hated the door and doorway that led into the basement anyway . So , off with the Posted by I 'll post some pics soon . I am too tired to go upstairs and get my camera . On Friday , my sister Angie ( aka Ralphie ) and I drove up to Idaho to Jenny 's house . We left all of our kids behind with the husbands . That was the nicest drive . We didn 't even have to stop at all for a potty break . We had a good long chat without any interruption . We were actually going to watch Leslie and my mom do the Viking Man Triathlon . Mom did the Olympic and Leslie did the 1 / 2 Ironman . Afterwards , I think Leslie wished she would have done the Olympic instead . Mom swam 1 mile , biked 29 and then ran a 10K . Leslie swam 1 . 25 miles , biked 58 and then ran a half - marathon . Leslie didn 't feel so well by the end . But we were proud of her for finishing . That takes a lot of guts ! I actually ran one mile of the run with Leslie . It was a really slow mile ( like a 12 minute mile ) . But hey , I ran a mile ! ! ! ! After that , and a whole day of walking around , my leg felt really crappy . I think a mile is my limit right now . I really can 't complain . I no longer limp . I 'm not in a wheelchair . I am so much better . Now I know how all of you non - runners feel . Running isn 't euphoric or awesome right now . It feels crappy and I don 't enjoy it . It still feels a little like weight - lifting to get my leg to keep moving like it should . But I know that it will get easier . Someday I 'll get back to where running is easy and fun . I totally love my kids and husband . But it was sure nice to get a break at Jenny 's house . I didn 't have to take care of anyone . I actually sat around some and watched TV . I love hanging out with my sisters . And I liked that Jenny keeps several cartons of cream in her fridge . She puts cream and milk on her cereal every morning . So of course we all did the same . Having grown up with a milk cow and creamy milk , most of us love cream . Jenny is one of my best friends . She really is awesome . She is patient with her 5 kids . She does so many things . When we came up for breakfast , she was pulling a birthday cake out of the oven for someone she visiting teacherPosted by Rachel all ready for the first day of school . Caleb ready for school . He has gotten several teeth out this summer , in case you can 't tell . This morning I was hoping to sleep in , but I got woken up by two kids with a fever . After I got them Motrin , I looked out and saw the sunrise . The clouds were awesome , so I went and got my camera . I loved how I could see the sunrays . Maybe I should start getting up earlier . : ) Look at the size of this beet from our garden ! It is as big as Dan 's head . No , we didn 't eat it . We cooked a few beets , and the rest got stuffed in the downstairs fridge . I need to throw them all away now . Caleb was baptized on the last Saturday of July . He was very excited and nervous . I am proud of him . He is such a good boy . He was worried that the water was going to be cold , but it wasn 't . I got to fill in as the pianist in the chapel since the person who was supposed to play the piano never showed up . I thought they would make us go last since I was playing the piano , but surprisingly they let us go second and asked for any volunteers to play the piano . Last week after I dropped Rachel and Caleb off at swimming lessons , I got in a car accident . It was not my fault . I was driving down the road after pulling out of the parking lot . I was only going about 30 - 35 miles an hour because I was still accelerating . A woman thought I was slowing down to turn , not speeding up . She pulled out right into me . It totaled my mini - van and hers . Nobody was hurt . Alex did end up with a seatbelt line on his neck . Anna cried a lot because she was upset that someone ruined our van . The police officer brought her and Alex a stuffed animal , and she immediately cheered up . I really hated my old van , so I wasn 't too sad to see it wrecked . It was a bit of an inconvenience . We 've now purchased a newer van that I like much , much better . The lady who crashed into me ( who just happened to be on her way to swimming lessons with her kids ) felt really bad . She even sent me a note in the mail apologizing and thanking me for being so nice to her at the crash . I thought that was cute . I am thankful that we were all protected from serious injury . Rachel and Caleb just finished up another round of swimming lessons . Caleb is really good at diving . Rachel is getting to be a very good swimmer . She came home so tired every day from swimming laps for nearly an hour . I can 't believe how much Rachel has improved . Two years ago , I had to jump in and save her with my clothes on . One day when I picked Rachel up from swimming , she was really annoyed . She said that a boy in her class was bugging her . I asked what he was doing , and she said that he keeps saying shPosted by Briget with her baby Deklan , Ben , Becca , Me , Leslie , Jenny , Angie , Carrie and my Dad . We took Caleb and some friends to Classic for his birthday . The little girl in this picture was his best friend through second grade . They got along so well , and both looked out for each other . She doesn 't live near us and won 't be returning to the charter school this year because of the long drive . She said to me , " Do you know that Caleb has a crush on me ? " I thought it was cute . I must say that it is so much easier to take the kids somewhere for a party . I 'm just not the best entertainer . This last weekend , we had the Marchant family reunion . My mom rented a place called Warm Springs Resort . We had a lot of fun . The cabins were much smaller than we anticipated . Rachel pointed out that the bathrooms were bigger than the cabins . Think of a Tuff shed , and that 's about the size of the cabins . But we made do . There were paddle boats and kayaks . I think kayaks are a little harder than they look . The paddle boats were fun . Jenny had the privilege of pedaling with Anna . She said that Anna was riding the pedals , so she was pedaling both the boat and all of Anna 's weight . I bet that was a good workout . Anna threw a major fit because she thought she should be able to go out in a kayak all by herself . Even though she is almost 5 , that 's not old enough to kayak alone . We let Caleb go out in his own , and he rowed in circles and hit the bank of the pond a lot . I made all of my siblings get together for a sibling pictures . My mom conveniently left to take grandkids on a hike right as we were taking the picture . She didn 't realize we were taking a picture . So , only my dad was in it with us . Its probably not the most flattering picture of all of us . We were sleep - deprived and dirty . And some people weren 't happy to be in the picture . But I still wanted a picture of all of us . I don 't think I 've had a shot of all of us as adults ever . I love all my siblings , and my parents . No , I 'm not the shortest . I 'm the second shortest . : ) Jenny is a half an inChristine Rowley Caleb went to his baptism interview with the bishop on Sunday . He talked to Caleb about the Word of Wisdom . He asked Caleb to name some things that were against the Word of Wisdom . Caleb gave all of the usual answers , but with one extra . He told the bishop that it was against the Word of Wisdom to swallow your gum . : ) I think I need to teach my kids that its against the Word of Wisdom to eat boogers too . Not that Caleb or Rachel still eat boogers . About a week ago when I woke up , all of the muscles in my leg were working again . I am thrilled . Before this , I was walking pretty well . But only part of the muscles in my leg were doing all of the work . So my leg felt crappy a lot of the time and stairs were still hard for me . When I went to PT yesterday , the physical therapists were amazed . Then they gave me quite a workout . I got to walk 9 minutes on the treadmill . Then I got to jog for 2 minutes . It was so slow I wouldn 't even call it a jog . It was about a 15 minute mile . After that , they put me on the excercise bike for 5 minutes . After all of that , and a lot of other exercises , I was exhausted . I am now allowed to run for 1 minute a day . Woohoo ! 1 minute . : ) I get to increase to 3 minutes when I can do 3 sets of 10 leg lifts . Isn 't it funny that I am excited about running one minute ? I can 't express how thankful I am for being able to walk easily . It is the best thing ! The picture is a picture of all of my parent 's grandkids . This was taken July 4th . That 's a lot of kids ! Caleb and Dan had birthdays a few days ago . I 'm gonna post pics and things about their birthdays - - but I have to wait till I get my camera back . I accidentally left it at my in - laws house . We left last Monday for Anaheim and drove the whole way in one day . With a bit of junk food and a DVD player , the drive was pretty good . We stayed at a hotel called Hilton Homewood Suites . It was about a mile from Disneyland . With 4 kids , we needed a larger hotel room than we 've had in the past . We had two bedrooms , a bathroom , living room , and kitchen . We loved the hotel . The first night after we went to bed , our bed started moving . Dan said , " Caleb , stop boucing on our bed . " When he realized Caleb was asleep , he started saying , " Rachel , stop it ! " . After a few seconds he realized it wasn 't the kids . It was an earthquake . I guess it was a 5 . 7 . Nobody in California even gives it a second thought . But we aren 't quite as used to earthquakes . Our kids were disappointed that they slept through it . We got up and went to Disneyland on Tuesday . Because of my leg issues , I rented an electric wheelchair . My leg is doing very well , and I am walking very well . But I am still not able to walk around and stand in line all day . The good thing was that it got us on most of the rides much faster than usual . We were able to wait ten minutes for one ride that had a 65 minute wait . I would much rather have a normal leg though . We stayed clear until the fireworks ended at about 10 : 00 . Anna and Alex were very tired and crabby by the time we got back to our hotel . We had a lot of fun . Next time we go , we 'll go in January when its not so crowded . Anna loved " Its a small world " . Alex 's favorite was " Dumbo " . Rachel loved " Splash Mountain " . I 'm not sure what Caleb 's favorite was . On Wednesday , we got up and went to the Wild Animal Park in San Diego . The kids especially liked the petting zoo . Thursday , we went on a harbor tour in San Diego . The kids liked it at first , but were a little bored by the end of the ride . If we do this again , we 'll try to go during whale watching season , so its a little more exciting . We spent the rest of the day Thursday and Friday at the beach . We rented a little motel room on the beach . The location was perfect . WeChristine Rowley Or doctor day . I had two appointments today . The first one was with a doctor and University of Utah . I should have just skipped this appointment . First , he asked me if I had an eating disorder because I am thin . I don 't ! I love food . Then he told me that I was trying to help the weak leg when he was testing my reflexes in that knee . No I wasn 't ! ! Why would I do that ? Then came the diagnosis : my brain just forgot how to work my leg . He tried to explain it in technical terms , but he really didn 't know what he was talking about . After that lovely appointment , I met Dan for lunch . I always love to eat lunch with him . That was the highlight of my day . Then I went back to the neurologist who sent me to the neurosurgeon . My regular dr said I should follow up with him . The neurologist thought the other doctor 's explanation was absurd . He said , " You have a spinal lesion at L4 " . This caused the nerve damage to your leg . There 's no damage still occurring , so there 's nothing to fix . Work hard in PT to get your leg strength back . So , back to PT I go . That 's it for the run - around . Hopefully in a few months I 'll be running around . : ) We spent a day at Dan 's uncle 's cabin with some of Dan 's family . It is up near the Uintahs . We roasted marshmallows , stayed up late , got dirty , played in the stream , and had fun . We saw a moose and lots of squirrels . We saw a lot of cows too . Anna liked the neighbors moose statue , so I took her picture with it . Rachel said the cabin was her dream home . I thought that was kind of funny . Its not luxurious and is rather old . Its not my dream home , but it is a fun getaway . Its amazing how long Alex could be entertained by floating sticks in a stream . Don 't worry , we watched him closely . And as you can see , its really not very deep or swift . The weather was quite cold . It actually snowed a little while we were there . Dan 's brother Joe kept the fireplace going nice and hot . Posted by Probably most of you are really sick of hearing about my stupid leg ( I 'm sick of my stupid leg , too ) . So , you can just skip this post if you 're tired of the updates . I find it a lot easier to post things than tell the same thing 20 times to 20 different people . Last week I went to PT for the first time . Really the first time was just an evaluation . The regular physical therapists weren 't in . It was just someone filling in for them . She spent over an hour evaluating me , and then sent me home with a few exercises . When I went back this week , the regular PT looked at my chart . And then he did a lot more evaluating . Then he dragged in the other physical therapist to look at me too . I got a lot of " hmmms " and " this is unusual " . They left me for a little while , and of course , I thumbed through my chart that they left sitting by me . ( Who wouldn 't look at their chart , if they 're gonna set it next to you and step out of the room ? ) After a lot of discussion , they physical therapists concluded that physical therapy was not going to help me . They think I need to pursue a diagnosis . Now , I have an appointment with another doctor at the U . I am walking really well these days . I am quite thrilled with that . But I know there 's still something wrong with me . My reflexes in my left leg are abnormal . I trip or stumble a few times a day . Luckily I haven 't fallen down yet . My chart said " possible MS " on about every other page . It can 't be MS though . The MRI of my brain came out fine . I don 't know what in the world is wrong with me . I 've spent a lot of hours online researching things , and haven 't been able to find anything that matches exactly . So , now I 'm just in the wait until I see the next doctor . This makes doctor # 5 . Alex has started talking a lot lately . I must admit , he really amuses me . He comes up with different things every day . He has renamed our cat " Twinkle " . Anna decided to rename the cat " Sparkle " but he didn 't want that name . Not that we were voting on it anyway . Our cat stays outside - - - at least it does if Alex is anywhere near . Alex calls it " my cat " and carries it everywhere . Tizzy ( the cat 's real name ) is very patient and never scratches him . But she makes a beeline for the door as soon as he sets her down . Cats don 't belong in my house anyway . Alex loves lawnmowers . For a long time , he carried around the lawnmower section of the Sears ad . He called it " my lawnmowers " . Whenever we go to my parents house , he always asks my dad where his lawnmower is . Dan recently bought a riding lawnmower . Alex always asks Dan if he is going to " play with his big lawnmower or his little lawnmower " . We don 't allow rides on the lawnmower . But Alex takes every chance he can get to sit on it and pretend to drive . He thinks any equipment that is remotely similar to a lawnmower is a lawnmower . Those big tractors working on the road are just really big lawnmowers . At church on Sunday , Alex spotted someone in a wheelchair . He then exclaimed , " Look , a baby jogger ! " . Of course this was during the sacrament . And he said it many times . When Alex says his prayers at bedtime lately , he roars a couple of times during his prayer . He is trying to act like a dinosaur . I don 't laugh , but it is all I can do not to laugh sometimes . Cars is his favorite movie . During the day , he goes around clearing his throat and making strange noises . Then he exclaims that he 's starting his engine . If you 've seen Cars , you know " Start your engines " . When we were driving down the street today , there was a truck in front of us . He yelled , " catch that garbage truck ! " . It wasn 't a garbage truck . But he certainly loves garbage day . With 3 different trash cans , we get to see a lot of garbage trucks . He comes running to the window whenever he hears one . Although Alex has been Posted by We started potty - training Alex on Monday . The first day did not go too well . But then , I went to the store and bought some cool new undies insteady of " tidy whiteys " . I never knew how great Cars underwear were . After we got out the new undies , Alex turned over a new leaf . He has had very few accidents . I was worried about him wearing underwear for bedtime . So I put a diaper on him for bed . A few minutes later , he was no longer wearing it . He was wearing his cool new undies again . Once again , I put a diaper on him . Once again , he took them off and put on his underwear . After he went to sleep , I put a diaper on him . When he woke up in the morning , his diaper was dry . I tried to diaper him again for bedtime the next night . It was a repeat of the night before . So finally , I just gave up and let him wear his favorite underwear to bed . He has not wet the bed yet . I am thrilled ! My other kids wore diapers to bed for quite a while after they were potty - trained . Since Anna was still in diapers when Alex was born , I 've had someone in diapers for 4 years and 7 months now . Diaper free at last ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Rachel turned 10 years old last week . This was the first birthday that she didn 't want all toys . It was kind of sad in a way , because she 's getting old ! The two big things she asked for were a bike and a globe . I thought the globe was kind of a funny thing to want . She looks at it every day and finds different places , and asks me where everything is . We had a friend party on the Saturday before her birthday . At her request , we had a chocolate fountain . They all thought it was great . It actually wasn 't as messy as I thought . On her birthday , my parents came over for cake and ice cream . I made her a chocolate layer cake . Right before my parents came , I ran to the store quickly to get ice cream and candles . When I came home and put the candle on the cake , everyone got quite a laugh . I bought the wrong candle number . Of course I hadn 't forgotten how old Rachel was ! I don 't know how I managed to buy the wrong number . We made do , as you can see . I am thankful for Rachel . She is such a cute , sweet girl . I had a nice Mother 's Day . I just thought I 'd share what Caleb made me at school . It says : My mother 's love means everything to me . She give s me hugs and teaches me not to eat drugs . She takes me to school and sometimes to the pool to cool . My mother 's love means everything to me .

Let me tell you a story about my Grandpa Gass . He was really neat . He had one finger with the end twisted . The end of his finger was twisted about 30 degrees and ran slonchwise with respect to the normal axis of symmetry for index fingers . I can 't believe how neat that finger was to look at , especially when he rolled cigarettes with one hand without spilling any tobacco . He took it out of a little cloth bag and spread in a trough he made in a piece of paper , then licked the paper in a funny way before rolling it into a perfect white cylinder and smoked it with obvious pleasure . This was always out doors , only partly because Grandma wouldn 't let him smoke in the house . Especially cigars . I think the main reason we went outside when Grandpa wanted to smoke was that he felt at home out there . That sort of brings me to what I want to tell you about him . I loved to hear Grandpa tell about how his finger got that way . I don 't know if that was my favourite story , because I had a lot of them even then , but it was right up there and still is . He got it roping a horse from the back of another horse on his homestead in Montana . I wasn 't there when it happened , of course , so I have to either leave out or make up some of the details . But I wouldn 't make up anything important . Believe me . In my story it was wintertime . It was snowing , the wind was blowing , and the sky was dark the way it gets in the daytime when there 's a big storm . Dark warm horses stood out starkly against that barren landscape that Grandpa loved and Grandma hated with a passion . I 'll tell you about Grandma later if you really want to know , but right now I can 't wait to tell you about Grandpa 's finger . The horse Grandpa wanted to catch was running , and Grandpa 's horse was running after it . They weren 't running straight , but in a zig - zag kind of dogfight in 2 - D , the horse trying to get away from the horse and rider ( I always wondered if the horses knew each other and what they thought about what was going on ) . Grandpa had a rope lasso , and he was swinging it in the air as he galloped , just like in a movie . It didn 't take long , and pretty soon , Grandpa threw the loop of his rope out into the air . I can 't tell this part the way Grandpa did , because I 've never been on a horse and never tried to stop one when it was running . I 've thrown a lasso , though , so I 'll give it a shot . That rope went out slow through the blowing snow , descended gently over the head of the fugitive , and settled on its neck . The loop tightened suddenly as Grandpa wrapped the rope around the saddlehorn and his horse slowed quickly toward a stop . It was fantastic , my Grandpa doing stuff like that ! The only trouble was that he had a loop of rope around his finger when this happened , and when the rope tightened it spun the tip of Grandpa 's finger around like a top and it stayed that way until he died . I don 't know what it would be like if that happened today , but that was then . Once winter came they were stuck on the homestead until spring and had to take whatever they got . Grandpa got a twisted finger . Even in the summer it took all day long to get to town with a horse and wagon , and in the winter they couldn 't get out at all . That reminds me of something else , dammit ! I 'll never get to what I wanted to tell you about stories and what makes them important in my life . Have you got time for another one ? Remember I said Grandma didn 't like it out there ? She just didn 't , and I don 't think she liked Grandpa very much either . Well , her mother stayed with them one winter . Maybe it was the first winter they were there , I don 't know . But all three adults and two little kids were there , stuck in a small , dark log cabin until spring . I got to see the cabin one time when I was about eight . It was a sort of pilgrimage , because Dad wanted to show us what it was like on the homestead . For whole a year before we went he was full of stories about being out there . He couldn 't tell stories like Grandpa could , but I still liked to hear them . Like in the morning before Dad went to school . He was the oldest kid in the school , which was another log cabin a long way away through the snow , and he had to walk over and light the fire in the stove before breakfast . When we finally went to Montana it was summertime , and it was exciting when we got to the last town before the homestead because Dad had been telling us how it took all day to get to town in the wagon and how bumpy and rutted the road was . Well , the road was smooth and paved , and it took about ten minutes in the car . This surprised Dad a lot , but I don 't think Mom was very surprised . I 'm not sure why . When we got to the last little rise before the homestead he stopped the car and walked slowly by himself way out in front . He stood there for a long time , and we wondered what he was thinking about . Then he came back shaking his head back and forth and got in the car . The main thing I remember is him saying , " I could have sworn that schoolhouse was a half mile away " . It was right next door . I was going to tell you about my Dad 's Grandma . Not too long after it had snowed and they were stuck for the duration , her false teeth disappeared in the middle of the night and they couldn 't find them . They looked everywhere , not that there were all that many places to look . They kept looking for a few days , but after a while they had to give up because they couldn 't find those teeth . My Great Grandma Styvers had to spend the whole winter gumming potatoes and steak , or whatever they ate . One of the kids finally found the teeth in a packrat nest the next summer , but it didn 't help her very much then . When I think of the social dynamics of that microcosm of conflicting cultures it blows me away . Especially because they were all trapped there together . They couldn 't even go outside a lot because it was so cold . I never heard directly about the conflict , of course , but it was in the air . I think that was one reason Grandpa and I always went outside when he wanted to smoke . Especially cigars . You probably guessed that they didn 't stay very long on the homestead . They stayed a few years , but then they moved to town and the asymmetry shifted . Grandma got to live in a city , had lights and running water , and Grandpa swept floors for a living . The best places were two theatres that he cleaned up every night after the movies , and sometimes I got to go with him . Did you ever get to run up and down the aisles of a movie theatre as fast as you could go without worrying about getting caught ? Because of the rugs and the slope , you can get going really fast on the way down , and if you are galloping your horse it is pretty hard to get around the corner at the bottom without running into the stage , because there 's no rug down there . I always slowed way down to go through the swinging doors at the top , because Grandpa didn 't like it if they banged . Movie theatres don 't really have a stage ; it just looks like one . Grandpa didn 't want me to go up there and look at the screen , but I always wanted to see what made it work . He said I could see it just fine from down in front ; I think he thought I might poke a hole in it or something . After I got tired of running up and down I always helped him . He never let me help in the bathrooms , but I didn 't want to anyway so it didn 't matter . The fun part was the popcorn boxes . They were neat . I liked to stack them up in a big tall stack , like the clean ones by the popcorn machine behind the counter only lots taller . I always wondered what it would be like to touch the ceiling with a stack but there were never enough boxes to do it . When my stack got really high I had to add new ones from the bottom because I couldn 't reach the top . That was hard because they are too big to hold with one hand and sometimes I dropped them . But they stuck together OK and I could usually pick them up again . Sometimes I found a full box and knew some kid had dropped it . I always wondered what the kid 's mom said to him about being careful , and whether she let him get another one . There wasn 't any way to tell . Grandpa didn 't want me to eat any stuff I found on the floor , even if the popcorn box was still standing ( I asked ) . He said there might be germs on it , and I knew there might be dirt because it was on the floor . I always thought of sneaking bites , because it would have been easy , but I never did . It was great to run with a stack of popcorn boxes , because you had to lean it just right or it wouldn 't work . You had to lean the stack way forward to speed up , so you could run underneath it , and lean it way back to stop . Going around the corner at the front was really hard , because you had to lean the stack way over to the side and keep running . How far you have to lean it depends on how fast you speed up and slow down and how fast you turn . It doesn 't depend as much on how fast you are going , and that 's really interesting . I found out that it doesn 't work to stop while you are turning even though it should be easy . I never got it figured out , but I guess it was just too hard to lean it over and lean it back just the right amount while I ran , all at the same time . I didn 't practice as much as I could have , though , because it was such hard work . I also liked to kick coke cups , because Grandpa didn 't care . I kicked them mainly down toward the front because they went farther that way and made more noise . I had to be careful , though , not to kick my shin against the chair if I got carried away . If Grandpa was almost caught up with me with his pushbroom he didn 't like it very much if I kicked stuff up past him . He didn 't yell at me or anything , and he didn 't even seem to mind too much . But I still knew I 'd have to go get the cup and bring it back down . Grandpa held his mouth funny when I did things like that , and it seemed like he was trying to make up his mind whether to yell at me . He never did , though , ever . Not about anything , but I could tell anyway . He usually didn 't even say anything , but I could still tell . It was usually when I was doing something I knew I shouldn 't do , and it was also usually something fun . After a while I learned to " see " myself through Grandpa 's eyes . It gave me a view of myself that was useful , and because I was pretty good at imagining things it showed me how I could be . Grandpa never told me any of this stuff , but I could tell . We usually didn 't talk about that kind of thing . I know this doesn 't make any sense , but I wanted to tell you anyway . Isn 't it strange how that works ? When I did stuff like that , you know , kicking things back up past him while he swept , I 'd go up and get it right away , and take it all the way down to the front so he wouldn 't have to sweep it . Sometimes it took a while to find it if I got a good kick in , because I couldn 't tell which row it was in and he didn 't want me to get down on the floor where there wasn 't a rug . He never said anything , but I could tell it made him happy when I took the cup down in front for him . I could kick a lot harder uphill than downhill because of the way the seats went up between the arms of the chairs and I didn 't have to worry too much about my shin , but I didn 't do it very much . But once I hauled off to kick one of those coke cups uphill and got myself in the Achilles tendon on the back of the seat down the hill behind me . That hurt so much I almost couldn 't stand it . I got tears in my eyes but I didn 't cry . Grandpa didn 't laugh at me , even though I think he thought it was kind of funny , and he even said stuff like " It sure hurts when you do things to yourself , don 't it , Lee ? " That really helped , because it made me think of his finger and how much it must have hurt him when he did that to himself . I never got tired of hearing about that finger . Grandpa was visiting us by himself one time ( Grandma had something else she wanted to do or something ) . We were getting ready for bed one night up in my room . I had bunk beds , sort of . Two beds , up pretty high , built right in to the wall . Dad planned it that way , or Mom did , but he built the whole room himself when I was pretty little . I got to help . It had knotty pine siding everywhere and the boards were stained green except for the knots . They were all shiny and wood coloured and the walls were neat to look at . It 's still like that upstairs . Each knot was a different size and shape from all the others and I used to look at them all the time . I knew the knots used to be branches , so I tried to look through them like they were pipes or something and see if I could tell whether the trunk was behind the board or in front of the board . I never got that figured out , but I think I figured out which way was up on the boards . While Grandpa and I were getting ready for bed that night I kept thinking about his finger ; especially how neat it was that my Grandpa had a finger like that . I kept wondering if he was going to tell me the story before I went to sleep . I couldn 't get it off my mind , even when I was trying to stand on one foot to get my pajamas on . I almost fell down because of it , but didn 't - - I didn 't want Grandpa to see me fall down with my pajamas part way on , so I stopped thinking about it for a minute . I couldn 't stand it , because it was so neat to go to sleep imagining him roping that horse in the snow . It was so much better to think about it right after he told me ; especially when he was right there in the next bed . Even when I was almost asleep I still knew it was him . He didn 't snore or anything , just breathe , and I think he went right to sleep as soon as he turned off the light . Not me . Grandpa had lots of long black hairs sticking out of his nose , and I wondered if that was what made it sound like that when he breathed . His middle name was " Black " . I knew it wasn 't because of the hairs in his nose , but it was still fun to think of it that way ( I never told him ) . While I was going to sleep I never thought about how much it hurt him to get his finger twisted . I don 't know why , but I mainly imagined the horses running through the snow and Grandpa swinging the rope . Sometimes I 'd imagine being Grandpa , or being a horse , but most of the time I just sort of " saw " it , like a movie , and it was really real . I can even see it right now , up close or far away , and from any angle . Except for down under the horses . I often wondered what it would look like from down there and knew I could do it if I tried , but it was too scary even in the daytime , and especially when I was going to sleep . I never even tried that one , and even now it scares me to think of what would happen if I did . If I just imagined it , I mean . I have a pretty good imagination , and it worries me that I might be too good at imagining what it would be like if a horse stepped on my head when it was running , or even on my finger . I don 't even want to think about it . Somehow I got my pajamas on , and then after I climbed up the ladder into bed and got down under the covers , but the light was still on , I asked him : " Grandpa , before I go to sleep will you tell me the story about how your finger got twisted up ? " I really wanted to hear it , but when I asked him , Grandpa got really serious . He told me it wasn 't a story , and that it really bothered him that I didn 't believe what he said . That was confusing because I liked him so much . And I knew it was true what he told me . Not just that , but other stuff too . Lots of stuff . He had stories about everything , and I really liked to listen to them . It wasn 't just what he said in the stories , either , but everything about the way he told them . It was just true , and I could usually even see what he said while he talked . I have a pretty good imagination , but I still don 't know how anyone can do that just because somebody says some words to them . But I could almost always do it if the story was good , and I still can . In fact , one of my problems is that if the story isn 't really good I imagine things to make it better , and if the story is lousy I usually end up way out on a tangent imagining things that aren 't even in the story . Usually Grandpa 's stories were so good that they made me forget about everything but the story . I even forgot that I was listening and forgot that Grandpa was telling me , and then it was really neat ! It was real , and it sure felt good . Maybe that 's why I didn 't want to try to imagine it in the bad parts , like down under the horse . When it was something like Grandpa 's finger getting twisted , I still listened , but I never forgot about other stuff and didn 't imagine too hard . I just listened , even though I knew he wasn 't going to tell me the worst parts . If I had imagined too hard and forgot about everything , I would have forgotten that he wasn 't going to tell me the bad parts , and that would have been too scary . It was better to just listen and watch Grandpa 's face while he talked . Especially around his eyes , the way the lines would change direction as the story changed . But I listened to what he said , almost always . No matter how many times I listened to a story it was always a little different , so I listened as hard as I could and imagined . Sometimes there were surprises in Grandpa Gass 's stories , but not usually . That was Grandpa Dale . Grandpa Gass sort of slowed down when he got close to scary or surprising places , or something , maybe to give me a chance to catch up . But he didn 't really slow down , because he kept talking at the same speed . Maybe he said more words for the same amount of stuff or something . I don 't know what he did , because I already told you that I didn 't really pay attention to anything but the story . Maybe what he did helped me to stay with the story longer and put off watching his face instead of imagining . But he did do something that made it get really really exciting just before exciting stuff happened . And he could do it even with a brand new story that I had never heard before . I never got scared in his stories , but I sure got excited . I never got scared by Grandpa Dale 's stories , either , but they had lots of surprises . He made up silly stuff all of a sudden , like " I knew a boy by the name of Lee . He rode his bicycle up a tree . HaHaHaHaHa ! " It was surprising because I never knew when he was going to do something like that . Grandpa Dale did one thing that surprised all the little kids and they really liked it . Well , they didn 't really like it , because it was too surprising . He could always catch us by surprise , even when we knew he was going to do it . I know that doesn 't make any sense , but he knew how to do it . What he did , was , he would get you in the bum with his fingers and bark really loud , just like a dog . Really really loud . It didn 't make any difference if you knew he was going to do it ; it still scared you that it might be a real dog . Not scared , really , because we knew it wasn 't a real dog , but it sure sounded and felt like one . It never hurt when he bit us with his fingers , because he never pinched , just goosed . But he could make it feel just like a dog without teeth biting me . ( We always called it " barking " , because we knew it wasn 't going to hurt , just scare us . Well not really " scare " , but you know what I mean . ) It was weird , because every time he did it you would jump clear across the room , hips first , and your heart would go real fast when you turned around to see if it was a dog or just Grandpa Dale . Sometimes he would laugh , but usually he just pretended he hadn 't done anything and didn 't even see us when we jumped . I know this stuff is true , because when I got older he didn 't bark at me very much , maybe because he knew that I knew what he was thinking , and he also knew that I could turn around really fast and catch him . Sometimes he would get me anyway , though , even when I was big , and I never caught him ; not even once . But he still did it to the little kids and I got to watch . That 's the way it was . Some kids would get mad at him and tell him to stop , but he never did . And they always walked past his chair just like I used to do , pretending that they weren 't thinking about it and hoping he would bark at them . They weren 't any good at pretending , because they couldn 't keep from putting their hands behind their bums so the dog wouldn 't bite them . Oh ! I forgot to tell you what I wanted to tell you , about stories . That night , after I asked Grandpa Gass to tell me about how his finger got that way and he told me it wasn 't a story , I don 't know whether he told it to me . But it doesn 't matter . While I went to sleep I wondered lots of things about what stories really are , and I kept wondering for a long time after , even now . I never got it all figured out . When I woke up in the morning that day , Grandpa was already up . He always was , because he liked to get up early . He and Mom would drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and talk . She didn 't care if he smoked inside , because she did too , and I think he liked that . Dad drank coffee with them when he was home , but he didn 't smoke . He wasn 't home very much then , because the war was on , or just after , and he had to work on the railroad all the time . When he was home he usually slept so he could go to work again , but it was nice if we could all have a big breakfast together . Anyhow , when I woke up that morning Mom knew it somehow . She came right upstairs and told me that Grandpa had been pretty upset with me when he came downstairs . He told her that I didn 't believe his stories . He probably didn 't say " stories " , because he thought stories weren 't true . I don 't know what he said , because I was still asleep and wasn 't there , but he probably said I thought they were just stories or something like that . I don 't know , and I never figured any of this stuff out . For me it didn 't make any sense , because I knew stories could be true . They don 't have to be true , and lots of good ones aren 't . But they can be , and the ones Grandpa Gass told me always were . Grandpa Dale made a lot of his stories up , but not always , and I could always tell by the way that he told them and the look on his face ( he didn 't have hairs coming out of his nose , but they would have been white if he did ) . Mom said she knew I believed Grandpa 's stories . She said " stories " , and that made me feel good . Mom usually said stuff I could understand . She said Grandpa just meant a different thing by " story " than I did , and not to worry . Then she said he was ready to have breakfast with me as soon as I got dressed and washed my face . I think we were having waffles . Mom liked to make waffles , because we liked them so much . I didn 't drink coffee then because it tasted so bad , but Grandpa did . You should have seen how he did it . First he poured some coffee in his saucer . Then he swirled it around and blew on it , then drank it off the edge of the saucer . He said it got cooler that way , and that he wasn 't used to drinking really hot coffee . It seemed like a good idea , but Mom wouldn 't let me try it with my hot chocolate . Grandpa never spilled a drop , even though when he was there they used those funny cups with the little handles on the side , the ones people drink tea out of but we never used if somebody wasn 't visiting . I still don 't see how people can hold those cups ; I never figured out how to do it even though my fingers are pretty strong . Watching Grandpa Gass drink coffee was almost as neat as watching him cut slices of apple with his knife and lay them on his tongue . He always ate apples that way , except for the core . He ate the core , too , just like me , using the stem for a handle . I usually finished the regular part before he did , because I took such big bites . I liked to take really big bites of apple , especially the snappy kind , because they made such a big sound when they snapped off . When you first bit down on the bite it was pretty hard to keep your lips closed , because the pieces were so big and had to move past each other so you could chew . But you have to keep your mouth closed , because snappy ones have so much juice . Otherwise juice and pieces come right out when you chew . If you took too big a bite it was embarrassing , because stuff came out all over . I tried not to do it that way but sometimes I couldn 't help it . Grandpa never snapped his apples , even outdoors . He always used his knife . And the amazing part was that he never cut his tongue even though his knife was so sharp it could cut anything . I got his knife after he died . He said he got in the habit of keeping his knife sharp a long time ago , just in case . He didn 't tell me when " a long time ago " or " in case " were , but his knife was always really sharp and it sliced right through the apple like it wasn 't even there , even if it wasn 't a snappy one . Sometimes he made a really really thin slice when it was a snappy one and gave it to me , right off his knife . Not on my tongue , though . That would have been too scary , because what if I sneezed or something and cut off my tongue ? He just held it out on the tip of the knife , usually so it stuck way out on both sides and was easy to get . He always said , " You be careful of that knife , Lee " , and I always was . After I took the slice off the knife I always held it up to the light and looked right through it , almost like a window . Well , not like a regular window , but I knew about those paper windows in trappers ' cabins , with grease all over them so they would let the light through . I never saw one and never understood what the grease did , but I knew you could see just light and not stuff . For example you couldn 't see if a bear was outside and wanted to get in unless it was right up close to the window and its shadow make it dark . Then you could tell it was a bear . Thin slices of apple were sort of like that , except they were pretty and little . You could also see around their edges and tell there weren 't any bears , and they didn 't have any grease . Those thin ones are neat , because when you lay them down on your tongue something special happens . I don 't know how to tell you about it , but it tasted and felt neat . You should try it some time . You have to use a really sharp knife if you want to make thin slices , and then use it for a spatula to lay the slice where you want on your tongue . Grandpa 's tongue didn 't stay out very long , but he could put slices anywhere he wanted on his tongue . He was quick , and I always wondered how he could keep from cutting his tongue off . He must have been paying close attention , but he did it so fast that I always wondered . After I got married my wife didn 't like how I ate apples . You know , snapping them like I told you . She said it wasn 't polite , and said she wanted me to eat them some other way . I kept my knife pretty sharp and did it Grandpa 's way sometimes , but she didn 't like it that way either , especially if kids were around . She said it would give them ideas . She never told me how she wanted me to eat apples , just " some other way " . I discovered only one other way to eat apples that was any good , but she said that way was even worse . So I usually snapped them . Most of the time I went outside to eat apples so I could snap them without worrying about whether it was polite or anything . I never smoked cigars , but I always thought of Grandpa Gass when I went outside to eat apples . Maybe I should tell you about that other way to eat apples in case you want to try it . If you know of some other way that works I 'd sure like to hear it , because I 'm always looking for good ways that don 't get me in trouble in polite company but still let me enjoy myself . Sometimes I think the whole idea of polite company is to not have any fun , but I don 't really know . None of that stuff makes much sense to me and I 've never figured it out . This other way to eat apples is best indoors , and most people don 't mind it too much if you don 't get carried away ( except at the end ; some of them say that part is disgusting ) . You cut thick slices , maybe 3 / 4 of an inch across the skin , cut off the core , and put the thick slices on a saucer , maybe with some cheese . It works best if you put them on their backs , like little boats with red or green bottoms . The boats will rock back and forth , but I wouldn 't try that in polite company if I were you . Somebody will always say , " Don 't play with your food ! " , and it doesn 't make any difference how old you are . More slices will fit on the saucer if you put them that way , and they are easier to pick up . There are two good things about this way that you might like , but my wife didn 't like either of them . You put the skin of a slice on your bottom teeth , close your top teeth just a little bit ( don 't bite down ) , and bend the apple down . If the apple is really good the slice will snap a little bit when you do this , which is great . It isn 't very loud , but my wife could hear it from anywhere in the house . I think that 's because when you do that your mouth is all round inside like the Mormon Tabernacle and the sound goes everywhere . After you snap the slice you can peel the skin off the part in your hand because it is still in one piece . If you are really careful you can peel the skin off the other half too , and then lay it on your tongue ( it feels weird because it is so thin , and sometimes it sticks to your tongue ) . Just give it a try and see if you like it . I do , but I prefer to snap whole big bites off the apple in the first place . The core is better that way too , especially if the stem is still on . People usually don 't like it too much when I use my knife in polite company . I think they get nervous about whether I 'll cut my tongue or something , but I never do . They probably worry that it will give kids ideas , too , but I don 't know what difference that would make . It 's fun to have ideas , but I guess some people don 't like fun very much . I 'm not as quick with my knife as Grandpa Gass , but I 'm pretty good . Last year when we started Science One , there was a reception over at Cecil Green mansion . It was a big deal with smoked salmon and things like that , and the Dean , the Vice President , and some of the department heads made speeches . I felt out of place with all that pomp , but it was fun to eat smoked salmon and talk with the students . There was a big bunch of students on the lawns , and one of them , Andrew , told me that his sister had been in my class eight years earlier . She told him it would be fun for him to be in my class and told him he would learn a lot , but she also said she always wondered when the stories would stop and when I would start teaching . Everybody laughed , but I could tell that Andrew hadn 't said everything so I asked , " What was the answer ? " That 's exactly right . The stories never stop . It isn 't that I plan it that way or anything ; it just happens . Sometimes I think I don 't know how to talk or listen except in stories . I don 't know what else there is , and I 'm getting worse instead of better now that I 'm a grandpa . People sometimes think I 'm just being difficult when I say things like that , but I 'm not . There may be something strange about me in this sense . I don 't know . I just don 't know any other way to do it than to tell stories . At least not any really good way that makes students forget all about themselves as students and just listen and learn . They remember better that way , too , if I can pull it off , in spite of the fact that they forget to take notes . It works best when they forget all about everything and then get mad at me because I didn 't make them take notes . Weird . Sometimes students remember more than I actually tell them . Sometimes when I leave little things out they get them anyway ; they usually do if I tell the story right . It isn 't that they remember wrong things , just more . And you know what ? The things they remember but I didn 't say usually really are part of the story . I just didn 't say them . This kind of thing works a lot better if I tell the students I 'm not trying to teach them anything with the story ; that I just have something I think they 'll find interesting . I don 't know what this means , but it sure is interesting . Well I do have ideas about it , but this isn 't a good time to tell you about them . Right now I 'm fascinated with the whole idea of stories and how they function in the personal and public lives of languaging beings like us . I 'd rather stick to that if it is OK with you . Sievert Rohwer said one time that science is about telling stories , and many other people have said the same thing . But lots of other people say it isn 't that way , and sometimes scientists get pretty hot under the collar over this issue . This just makes me wonder what people on both sides of the argument think stories are . I wonder whether they might be talking about two different things but calling them by the same name . The more I think about it , the more I think it makes a big difference whether I was right when I was little and stories can be true . I know now that it isn 't really that the best stories are always true , and I can tell you all about the dangers of storytelling in science , but I 'll save that for later . Right now the thing that fascinates me is that even if they are wrong , good stories hang together in a way that attracts attention and keeps people interested . It seems to me that as long as there are ways to tell the difference between stories that are true and ones that are not , then the telling contributes something important . All of this raises an important question about stories , about teaching and learning , about families , and about all kinds of other things . What is there about a good story that weaves together the separate elements of a body of information into a tapestry that reveals their essence in relation to others in the pattern ? What makes a story one whole thing in addition to its being a collection of parts ? How does that ' oneness ' , whatever it is , help us to remember the elements and understand them almost in spite of ourselves , even if we never actually hear all of them ? Luis Sobrino said that understanding is " a bright light that shines in the mind . " If this is a good way to describe it , then what is there about a good story that turns on the light ? Luis also insists that we don 't understand anything unless we know how it works . He was speaking as a scientist when he said that , but he also reads poetry , literature , and philosophy and is a sailor , so I don 't know exactly what he meant . In either case , how does a story illuminate functional aspects of systems and allow us to " see " how they work ? Even if it were true that stories can 't explain anything in any ultimate sense , I think they somehow make it clearer what it is that requires explanation . I want to know how they do this . I don 't know about you , but this stuff fascinates me . Custom Website Designer : Adjo || Pastel Painting of Lee Gass by Perrin Sparks || Admin