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Some of you may have noticed the lovely new picture of the girls . It is , once again , courtesy of my friend BethAnnDoddKoehn . She takes awesome pictures . Here are a few more of the ones she took of the girls that day . If you live in or around the Southern California area ( mostly San Diego ) , please contact her to take awesome pictures of your family . You can check her out here on Facebook . Thanks BethAnnDoddKoehn ! ! ( The rest of you can just call her Beth . ) This past weekend , Andy and I were in a wedding about four hours north of Los Angeles . Well , I was a bridesmaid and he actually performed the wedding . He got ordained on line a few months back . My husband - a minister ! It 's kinda funny . Anyway , we decided a while ago that we weren 't going to take the girls with us . Instead we were going to have a fun weekend away , just the two of us . I asked my parents if they would fly out to take care of the girls and to say they were excited to do it , would be an understatement . My parents live in Florida , as do my in - laws . So , we don 't have anyone near by who we can rely on to come watch the girls for a weekend if need be . Sometimes it really sucks . A few years back my in - laws made a trip with us up north for a different wedding we attended . They took care of the girls in the hotel , while Andy and I went to the festivities . That time we couldn 't leave the girls alone , because Georgia was only 3 weeks old and nursing . This time , however , my girls are all fairly self sufficient and easier to care for . Leaving them for a weekend wouldn 't be an impossible task . Well , except for the missing them part . Andy and I hadn 't been away together since before Sonya was born , so it was something we definitely needed . It was generous of my parents to fly all the way from Florida , just to watch the girls for one weekend , but I think in some ways they were more excited to come do that , than we were to go away alone . The weekend was going to be a busy one for them . Sonya had a very early baseball game Saturday morning , and baseball pictures in the afternoon . She was also hoping Nona and Grampy would take them all to the farm one day , to pick strawberries and vegetables . That kid loves the farm . Add in shopping at the outlets for clothes , and they had themselves quite a full weekend . I was a little worried about them driving all over Los Angeles , but then again , we drove all over the world when I was a kid , WITHOUT a GPS , so I knew my father could handle it . I did make a book full of maps with a sThe most important thing was the girls were happy and safe . They really didn 't even miss us . I was afraid that when we called to talk to them , at least one of them ( Lana ) would start crying . They could have cared less really . I 'm sure some of that comes from the fact that they 're older and know that eventually we will return , but the other part of that is they felt cared for and loved by their Grandparents . They don 't get to see them all that often , two maybe three times a year . Usually when they do , I 'm always around , so it 's not the same . My parents said they were excellent all weekend , without one problem or issue . Of course they were ! They are always better for everyone else . I suppose that is good though . Better to have them lose it with me , even if it doesn 't seem fair since I am the one who takes care of them ALL THE TIME , but whatever . As for Andy , me and our weekend getaway . We had also had a fabulous time . The wedding was fun and Andy did a great job marrying our friends . Perhaps he can make extra money doing this on the side . Anyone need an officiant for their wedding ? We had a hot spring hot tub on the balcony of our room that we made use of and got to sleep late . For real sleep late , not try to lay in bed while we hear the girls playing and fighting . That was good , since I may have had a tad too much wine at the wedding . And after the wedding . We enjoyed being alone , or at least without kids , for an entire weekend for the first time in over seven years . We 'll just say what happened at the Paso Robles Inn , stayed at the Paso Robles Inn . I took my parents to the airport on Monday morning , and Georgia and Lana were with me . They said their goodbyes and were sad they were leaving , but seemed okay with it . Then after school on Monday Lana 's teacher said she cried twice during school because she was sad Nona and Grampy were gone . She didn 't cry when I left for the weekend , of course , but was a mess when my parents left . Nice . It 's okay , I 'm glad that they all had such a great time . It makes me feel less guPosted by I 've been pulled over three times in the 22 years I 've been driving . ( Wait a second - 22 years ? REALLY ? ! I AM getting old ! ) As I was saying , I 've been pulled over twice for speeding , and once for rolling through a stop sign . Every time I 've been pulled over I 've been given a ticket . That is until today . This morning , I had to take Georgia to school because Andy had to leave a bit early . Then my plan was to drop Lana off at Angelina 's and go get my nails done for the wedding I 'm in this weekend . I was late taking Georgia , and on the way there I realized I forgot to call my friend who picks Sonya up on Thursdays . I needed to tell her to not pick Sonya up today . I grabbed my cell to call her , because I was afraid if I didn 't do it right then I 'd forget . My memory works that way , which means it doesn 't work very well at all . Now I know the law in the state of California is that it is illegal to use your cell phone when driving . There are some states that haven 't passed that law yet , but I do live in one that has . I know this . The fact is I rarely use my phone in the car , unless it is for a quick call . I don 't have a bluetooth , and my car is not set up for one the way Andy 's is . I knew the call would be quick , but I know that is no excuse . Still , I did it anyway . I couldn 't have been on more than 45 seconds . It was just long enough to tell her don 't pick Sonya up today , goodbye . That was all it took for the police officer in the car RIGHT NEXT TO ME see it . Too bad I didn 't see him . I had to make a right turn and that 's when I saw him pull up to turn behind me . At first I thought , or I was just hoping , he had decided to turn too . He wasn 't behind me to pull me over was he ? For what ? The phone ? I hadn 't been on long enough for him to even see , had I ? Then I took the right turn , and he follows with his lights on . Perhaps he had noticed the phone call . DAMN ! He walked up to my car , asked for my license and registration then asked if I knew why he pulled me over . Not wanting to admit to anything that he might not have seen , I said I didn 't . Then he asked if I was aware that it was illegal to talk on a cell phone while driving in California . Oh THAT ? ! Yes , well , I wasn 't on but a few seconds and I really never used my cell in the car , I swear and I 'm so sorry ! " Okay , " he said , taking my information . " I 'll be right back . " He actually seemed like a really nice police officer and for half of a second I thought he might let it go . But then I saw him walk to his cruiser and pull out his paperwork to do what I knew he would . What happens every time I get pulled over . I am never one of those lucky ones who gets away with warnings , or a slap on the wrist and a " don 't do it again " . Nope , I always get the ticket . As I sat there , upset with myself , the girls started asking questions again . After the kid inquisition , I sat there wondering how much this was going to cost and how I was going to mention it to Andy . Crap . This sucked . Even twenty years later I had to worry about telling someone about getting a ticket . Then something awesome happened . The officer walked up to my window , ticket in hand with my license and registration . I assumed he was coming to explain it to me and have me sign it . Instead he said , " This is going to cause me a whole bunch of paperwork , because I already started writing it , but I just can 't give you a ticket the day after your birthday ! " WHAT ? You mean you 're LETTING ME GO ? ? ? With only one of those warnings that everyone else I know gets ? How fantastic are you ? ? ! ! And he really was . He wasn 't one of those jerky cops , but a nice guy who policed the small city of Burbank . I thanked him profusely , promised I would NOT be doing that again . He told me stories of accidents scenes he 's called to and how nine times out of ten , the person has been talking or texting . I told him I did know better and was wrong . I thanked him again , he handed me my license and I was off . I couldn 't believe it ! I actually got out of a ticket for the first time ever ! I did learn my lesson though . I didn 't dare even look at my phone for the rest of the day in the car . Then on my trip to Target , I bought a bluetooth headset , just in case I do need to make any kind of quick call . I set a bad example for my girls once , I didn 't need to do it again . And see , I didn 't even need the ticket to learn my lesson , warnings and second chances really do work on people like me . Posted by So , yeah . Today is my birthday . Yay . And yes I am 38 . Not a fabulous age or birthday . Still a couple years from 40 with is both good , because I 'm not ready for 40 and bad , because at least 40 is a big deal . It 's not that I hate getting older necessarily . It does freak me out because as I get older I realize that my life could be half over . On the other hand , getting older has made me more comfortable with myself . I know who I am and my strengths , weaknesses , and all my craziness . I 'm okay with all of it . I understand people and situations better . I feel like I 'm getting wiser with each year , but am also smart enough to know there is still more I could learn . I am also okay with where I am , because , and not to brag , but I am in better shape than I 've been in for years . Well , except for the boobs . Those will never be what they were without surgical help . Since we don 't have an extra few thousand dollars laying around , I will just have to rely on the good people at Victoria 's Secret to make them look better . But besides that , I am in great shape from all the hard work I 've put in , working out and watching what I eat . It 's not always easy with three kids , but they are all at an age now where I can concentrate on myself just a little bit . I feel good about it . So even though I 'm getting older , at least I 'm holding it together . For the time being anyway . Either way , getting older isn 't that bad . As my Pop - pop used to say , " beats the hell out of the alternative . " I 've talked about my Grandfather on this blog before . Today he turns 85 . He is my last Grandparent alive , and I am lucky enough to live near him , so that my girls get a chance to know him . A year and a half ago , he lost my Grandmother , his wife of over 60 years . Although , she 's only been gone two years , it 's emotionally been longer than that for him . She developed Alzheimer 's several years before her passing , and didn 't know him or anyone else for a good portion of that time . Grandpa has been lonely for a quite a while . After she passed , he spent most of his days in a chair in the room he lives in at my uncle 's house , either sleeping or watching TV . It seemed like he was just " waiting for his time " . Then something happened . Something I never thought I 'd see . My 85 year old Grandfather got himself a girlfriend . Grandpa usually comes to visit us at least once a month . He likes to see the girls , and he and I chat and catch up for about an hour , before he heads back home . It was during one of these visits that he told me about this lady who kept saving him seats next to her at church functions . She saved him a seat after a wedding and at a Christmas celebration . He told me how she had tracked him down at the Christmas party to make sure he knew that she had a seat saved next to her . " Um , Grandpa , " I said . " I think she might like you . " After Christmas , I didn 't hear from him for a while . At the end of last year he had talked about going to visit my parents in Florida in January like he had the year before . They never heard from him . Then he called me in February one day to see if I was at home . He was in Burbank , and wanted to stop by . Apparently , he had taken my advice and for the past month and a half had been driving to Burbank at least twice a week to see Matea . He wanted to bring her by and introduce her to me and the girls . Unfortunately , I was in the middle of one of my crazy drive all over Burbank for gymnasticgirlscoutpianobaseball days and wasn 't going to be home . I told him to let me know ahead of time when he 'd be in town again , so I could make sure we could meet up . Otherwise , I told him to bring her to Lana 's birthday party the next month . How was I to know how that disaster of a day would turn out ? Unfortunately , that is what he ended up doing . I don 't know if any of you remember that story of Lana 's awesome birthday party , but it was not a friendly environment for a couple in their 80 's . Between the rain outside and the extreme noise inside , they weren 't looking to stay for too long . Can 't say I blamed them . I did manage to say hi and meet her for a brief minute . I was able to grab each of the girls for ten seconds to introduce them and then they were off . Grandpa and Matea went to the living room , had cake and then excused themselves about twenty minutes later . I felt bad but there was not much I could do except invite them over again in more calm and quiet circumstances . So last week Grandpa and his girlfriend stopped by for a visit . The girls were all here and they had a little more time to show off their cuteness and yes , more of their craziness . Matea didn 't seem to be bothered by the antics of my girls , and I had a chance to talk and get to know her . Turns out she was born and raised in Burbank . She also raised her four kids here . She is a very sweet woman and likes Grandpa A LOT . They sat on the couch next to each other , holding hands and making googly eyes the entire time they were here . If they weren 't so much older it would have been annoying , but I gotta admit , Geriatric love is adorable . They left after about an hour or so . I gave Grandpa a birthday card with a gift certificate to one of five different restaurants . He was excited and announced that he had wanted to take her to one of those places . I was excited he had someone to go with him out to eat again . He was happier than I 've seen him in years . It sounds cheesy , but there is a certain spark in his eye . He 's found a reason to keep going , and I couldn 't be happier . After they left , that night at dinner Sonya said to me , " Well , yeah sort of . She 'll be your step Great - Grandma , " I informed her . " Is that okay with you if that happens ? " I am also okay with this idea . My Grandpa and Matea were both concerned with how their families were going to react to their dating , but as far as I can tell , at least on Grandpa 's side , we are all so very happy for him . He 's brought up the subject of getting married to her a couple times to me . Sure it 's only been four months , but as he said " I 'm not getting any younger ! " At 85 , that is the truth , but whatever time he has left , might as well be spent with someone he likes to be with and not his chair and television . So I 'm hoping that they do make it official because it 's great to see that even at 85 love and happiness can be found . Happy Birthday Grandpa ! Here 's to ( at least ) another ten happy in love years ! ! A few weeks ago , when my friend Trista was here with her husband and baby , I came to a bad realization . My girls were starting to get out of control . They weren 't listening to me at all , talking back and throwing tantrums more than ever . I had become somewhat complacent because , to be honest , sometimes I just get tired of doing this job . ( Sorry Trista and Jesse for the girls ' bad behavior ) . Then we went to visit Andy at work later that same week , and I saw even more clearly how unruly they were becoming . We went to say hi to his boss and the girls did everything but turn the place upside down , ignoring every " no , stop that " Andy and I uttered . Yeah , it wasn 't good . I realized I had to do something . I couldn 't let them continue to act like crazy kids . I know that children aren 't going to be well behaved all the time , but I did not want to have those kids who were terrible constantly . So , I decided to seek help in a book called This is a book I read years ago , when Sonya was younger and starting to show signs of insubordination . I put it into practice back then and it worked . I 've tried to continue to use it , but you know , things fall by the wayside after a while . Having babies fifteen months apart will do that to you . So , I decided I needed a refresher course . I pulled the book off the shelf and skimmed through it hitting the major points . The basic idea is that you use counting to stop bad behavior like , talking back , yelling , fighting , tantrums , etc . We all mostly use counting to three in some form , as have I . The key is to not get stuck on two . . . . two and haaallllfff . . . and to also keep your emotions out of it . Something I have a VERY hard time with . I sometimes am the one having the temper tantrums . When you get to a count of three , they get a time out or another consequence you 've established . In our house the key thing to take away is treats . In other houses it might be TV or video games , but neither of those works for us . They could care less about video games and rarely watch TV anymore . But treats . . . you 'd think I was taking away Christmas . The other half of the discipline is to use timers or charts for " start behaviors " . This includes cleaning their rooms , unloading the dishwasher , or even eating dinner . That last one is for Lana . If they don 't get whatever they are supposed to get done in their allowed amount of time , they have a consequence . If it 's cleaning their rooms and it 's not done in the twenty minutes I give them , then I take all the toys not in their proper place and put them in a garbage bag . Then they go off to the garage until the next evening . If Lana doesn 't eat her dinner in twenty minutes - or most of it - then she misses out on any type of bread we are having or a dessert , if that is offered . I know , I 'm mean , but damn if it didn 't start to work . I explained the rules to the girls when I started this a few weeks back . They all understood , but they were all taken aback by how serious I was about this . I think that first week everyone had at least one or two timeouts a day and there were no treats for anyone for at least five days . It was a rough week , as they figured out how serious I was about this . Lana and Georgia lost half their toys to the garage one night . I know they didn 't think I would do it , but I sure did . They cried for fifteen minutes about their lost toys . Here 's the thing , it 's not like they were cleaning that whole time and just ran out of time to finish . If that was the case I would give them more time to clean up their mess . However , twenty minutes is more than enough time for them to do what needs to be done . They just chose to screw around for the first twelve minutes . Turns out eight minutes is NOT enough time for them to clean up their huge mess . The next night they had everything cleaned up in ten . They were not about to lose their toys for a second night . If nothing else , they learn quickly ! After a week , I was giddy with how well my new strategy was working . They were doing what they were asked . The back talk and eye rolls were kept to a minimum , and I was actually starting to like them again . Then we had a backslide last week for a few days , where they didn 't want to listen and I may have been a bit more irritable , letting my emotions get the better of me at times . PMS . It happens . What can you do ? So it 's not a perfect system , because I 'm not perfect and neither are they , but it 's one that seems to be working a lot better than what I was doing before . Before it was just a lot of me yelling and giving up . I feel more in control and better about my parenting . I even started a star chart for them to encourage their good behavior . I didn 't want things to be taken away from them only . They needed to want to be good for something , not just so they wouldn 't lose treats . So now when they do something good , or do a chore when asked the first time , I let them color in a star . When they get to the end of the stars - 14 of them - they get to pick a prize from the prize box . Otherwise known as the $ 1 Target bin . The girls are not always happy with this new system and sometimes become more irritated when I start to count them . This , of course , leads me to the next number sooner and usually lands them in time out . They can 't be good all the time , but this is definitely helping them learn to make better choices and become more well behaved . I guess I didn 't realize how much this was annoying them , or at least Sonya , until I was in her room changing her sheets last week . Her closet door was open and I noticed a paper on the floor with her writing . It looked like one of her " projects " she likes to work on , so I picked it up to see what she was working on , then laughed aloud when I saw this : I guess she really wasn 't happy with the new system , and this was her way of getting back at me . It makes sense , because she was probably the one most affected . Lana is used to time outs , and Georgia doesn 't really get in trouble all that often . Sonya , however , had been getting difficult for me to deal with . She had more timeouts and treats taken away in that first week than I 'm sure either of us care to admit . She gets it now , and is starting to be more respectful of me . Something she was seriously lacking before , which was my fault for not teaching her or demanding it more . We all let our kids get out of control every once in a while , but the important thing is to recognize it and reel them in before they get to " Oh my god ! Did you see what that little girl did ? ? " status . It 's never to late to discipline your kids . If you need help , I highly recommend this book , although I 'm sure there 's other great ones out there . The important thing is to just do it . It will suck for everyone for a couple weeks and might even seem to stop working from time to time , but keep with it . Those of us who are trying to do everything we can to raise our kids to be good people , don 't want our kids to have nothing but assholes to associate with in the future , just because their parents didn 't feel like disciplining them . Don 't let me fool you into thinking I know it all , however . I still suck at this some days , but I just keep trying . This job is tough but you can 't give up , even if there are days you want to . If you do , you let the terrorists win . At least that 's what I 've heard . Posted by I thought before it got to far away from Lana 's birthday , I would share with you the Hello Kitty cupcakes I made for her party and to take to her school . Because , you know , I 'm getting all creative with my cupcakes lately , and " Cupcake Wars " is sooo going to be calling me any day now . These gals were a bit easier to make than the giraffes from a couple months ago , but still all my own creation . Here 's what you need : Frost the cupcakes with white frosting . Then , using the black frosting or gel tube , make the eyes and the whiskers . The eyes are more vertically oval than they are round . After that I took a yellow skittle or M & M and put it in between the eyes for the nose . Then I took a Flipz pretzel and carefully cut it into thirds . Be careful cutting these , because they have a tendency to break into more than three pieces . I chose the best two to stick in the top of the cupcake for her ears . The finishing touch was the bow . At first I had no idea what I was going to use . As it turns out , Sour Patch Kids look like a hair bow . So I placed a Sour Patch Kid horizontally on the right " ear " . Viola ! Hello Kitty Cupcakes . Please direct " Cupcake Wars " to this blog so they know who to contact for their " Kids Birthday Parties " episode . Posted by A couple months ago , I started hearing rumblings about these books called , " The Hunger Games " . I had heard about the movie that was coming out in March , but knew nothing of it . It wasn 't on my radar at all . Then I went to my monthly meeting for the board I 'm on at the school I take Lana and Georgia to . Someone mentioned the movie and the books , and one of the moms started telling us how great they were and briefly described the premise . It intrigued me , but I was in the middle of a book at the time , so I just filed it away in my memory bank for a later date . Except things tend to get lost in there these day , so I kinda forgot about it . Then about a month ago , I started hearing more and more about the books everywhere , due to the movie soon to be released . Anyone who had read the books loved them , so I decided to give ' em a go . I ordered the first one from Amazon and by the time I got it , I was ready to start a new book . I was immediately sucked in and found myself trying to find any time to read even a page . I stayed up way later than I should have , spent extra time in the bathroom , and let the kids play a bit longer in the bathtub , just so I could read more . It was SO DAMN GOOD ! I hadn 't been into a book like that since " Harry Potter " . Most of the time it takes me a few weeks to get through a book , because I rarely have time to read . But when you 're staying up until 1am , turns out you can get through a book in a week . Which is what I did . When I ordered that book , I thought about ordering all three , but decided against it . What if I didn 't like the first one and didn 't care about reading the others . This is kind of how I felt about " The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo " . Not that it wasn 't good , I just don 't really care all that much about reading the others . It never hooked me like this one did . Well , once I read the last page of " The Hunger Games " , I was cursing myself that I didn 't get the other two . I thought about going on line and ordering them on Amazon , but that would take a few days for them to arrive . I didn 't think I could wait even an hour to see what sort of fate waited for Katniss and Peeta . I had to go to Target anyway that week , so why not just pick up the books while I was there ? Okay , perhaps I went to Target to get the books and got other things I needed while I was there , but whatever . I didn 't go just to get the books . You can 't go to Target to just get one thing anyway . Ever . I swear there are subliminal messages hiding in that store to make you buy more stuff . When I got there , I immediately went to the book section . It 's not big , but they always have the latest best selling books . I stood in front of the best selling fiction section searching for the final two books in the series . Nothing . Didn 't see them anywhere . Could the be sold out ? No , there wasn 't even a tag for them anywhere . I scanned each row of books , conYoung Adult Yup . I like the books for kids ! Okay , but young adult means at least 18 - 24ish right ? So that 's not THAT bad . I mean I 'm going to be 38 in two weeks , but whatever . Then I reminded myself , that wait , I don 't care . That first book was awesome and I can 't wait to read the second and third one . Besides , I was and am a huge fan of the " Harry Potter " series and those weren 't exactly meant for middle age adults either . Yet just about everyone I know has read them . And really the way Sonya reads , she just might ask to read " The Hunger Games " in the next couple of years . I have to make sure it 's appropriate for her age , so let 's just call it research . I grabbed the books and threw them in my cart , then went and found the other $ 80 worth of things I didn 't really need to buy . It took me less than a week to read the second and I 'm currently on the last book . I 'm trying to take my time with this one though , because I know it 's the last one . Plus I REALLY needed to start going to bed earlier . I was starting to feel like I did when the girls were newborns . Oh and I needed to stop neglecting them for the books because one day , when I was trying to sneak a read in , Sonya said to me , Yes , yes I do . But hey , I will try to cut you a little slack in a couple years when you are hiding under your covers with these books and a flashlight until 11pm trying to get , " just one more chapter " in . Posted by " Oooohhhh ! ! " I said , realizing what they meant . " I think you mean ' snap out of it ' . " Somewhere along the way , I 'm sure they 've heard the phrase . I may have even said it myself a time or two , they just transposed the words . Then Sonya sighed , rolled her eyes at me and said , " NO mom ! It 's ' snap it out ' ! " Oh I 'm sorry . I didn 't realize in her seven years she gained more wisdom and knowledge than I have in almost 38 . I guess I should just " snap it out " . Posted by One of my friends got Lana this " auto tuner " microphone Paper Jamz for her birthday . The girls all LOVE it . Okay , I LOVE it . ( Thanks Kelly Kimball ! ) It 's fun to sing into and listen to it distort your voice to make it sound better , or worse . Last week I recorded the little girls singing Coldplay 's " Paradise " into it . Why that song ? This is their current favorite song to sing . Well , that and Fun 's " We Are Young " . Yup , nothing like your 3 and 5 year old singing to a song about getting drunk at a bar and having someone there to carry you home . What ? ? It 's a GOOD song ! Anyway - I stuck with recording this one . Also because they will be hearing it a bunch more as I play it over and over again to get ready for their concert in May . My family just bought me tickets for my birthday ! I 'm so excited ! I hear Coldplay puts on one of the best shows ever . Thanks Mom , Dad , Beth and Megan ! Now , maybe if I can get this video to Chris Martin , he 'll upgrade my seats to front row . Or call me for a playmate with Apple and Moses . How could he not with all that talent and cuteness ? Posted by I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that .

Some of you may have noticed the lovely new picture of the girls . It is , once again , courtesy of my friend BethAnnDoddKoehn . She takes awesome pictures . Here are a few more of the ones she took of the girls that day . If you live in or around the Southern California area ( mostly San Diego ) , please contact her to take awesome pictures of your family . You can check her out here on Facebook . Thanks BethAnnDoddKoehn ! ! ( The rest of you can just call her Beth . ) This past weekend , Andy and I were in a wedding about four hours north of Los Angeles . Well , I was a bridesmaid and he actually performed the wedding . He got ordained on line a few months back . My husband - a minister ! It 's kinda funny . Anyway , we decided a while ago that we weren 't going to take the girls with us . Instead we were going to have a fun weekend away , just the two of us . I asked my parents if they would fly out to take care of the girls and to say they were excited to do it , would be an understatement . My parents live in Florida , as do my in - laws . So , we don 't have anyone near by who we can rely on to come watch the girls for a weekend if need be . Sometimes it really sucks . A few years back my in - laws made a trip with us up north for a different wedding we attended . They took care of the girls in the hotel , while Andy and I went to the festivities . That time we couldn 't leave the girls alone , because Georgia was only 3 weeks old and nursing . This time , however , my girls are all fairly self sufficient and easier to care for . Leaving them for a weekend wouldn 't be an impossible task . Well , except for the missing them part . Andy and I hadn 't been away together since before Sonya was born , so it was something we definitely needed . It was generous of my parents to fly all the way from Florida , just to watch the girls for one weekend , but I think in some ways they were more excited to come do that , than we were to go away alone . The weekend was going to be a busy one for them . Sonya had a very early baseball game Saturday morning , and baseball pictures in the afternoon . She was also hoping Nona and Grampy would take them all to the farm one day , to pick strawberries and vegetables . That kid loves the farm . Add in shopping at the outlets for clothes , and they had themselves quite a full weekend . I was a little worried about them driving all over Los Angeles , but then again , we drove all over the world when I was a kid , WITHOUT a GPS , so I knew my father could handle it . I did make a book full of maps with a sThe most important thing was the girls were happy and safe . They really didn 't even miss us . I was afraid that when we called to talk to them , at least one of them ( Lana ) would start crying . They could have cared less really . I 'm sure some of that comes from the fact that they 're older and know that eventually we will return , but the other part of that is they felt cared for and loved by their Grandparents . They don 't get to see them all that often , two maybe three times a year . Usually when they do , I 'm always around , so it 's not the same . My parents said they were excellent all weekend , without one problem or issue . Of course they were ! They are always better for everyone else . I suppose that is good though . Better to have them lose it with me , even if it doesn 't seem fair since I am the one who takes care of them ALL THE TIME , but whatever . As for Andy , me and our weekend getaway . We had also had a fabulous time . The wedding was fun and Andy did a great job marrying our friends . Perhaps he can make extra money doing this on the side . Anyone need an officiant for their wedding ? We had a hot spring hot tub on the balcony of our room that we made use of and got to sleep late . For real sleep late , not try to lay in bed while we hear the girls playing and fighting . That was good , since I may have had a tad too much wine at the wedding . And after the wedding . We enjoyed being alone , or at least without kids , for an entire weekend for the first time in over seven years . We 'll just say what happened at the Paso Robles Inn , stayed at the Paso Robles Inn . I took my parents to the airport on Monday morning , and Georgia and Lana were with me . They said their goodbyes and were sad they were leaving , but seemed okay with it . Then after school on Monday Lana 's teacher said she cried twice during school because she was sad Nona and Grampy were gone . She didn 't cry when I left for the weekend , of course , but was a mess when my parents left . Nice . It 's okay , I 'm glad that they all had such a great time . It makes me feel less guPosted by I 've been pulled over three times in the 22 years I 've been driving . ( Wait a second - 22 years ? REALLY ? ! I AM getting old ! ) As I was saying , I 've been pulled over twice for speeding , and once for rolling through a stop sign . Every time I 've been pulled over I 've been given a ticket . That is until today . This morning , I had to take Georgia to school because Andy had to leave a bit early . Then my plan was to drop Lana off at Angelina 's and go get my nails done for the wedding I 'm in this weekend . I was late taking Georgia , and on the way there I realized I forgot to call my friend who picks Sonya up on Thursdays . I needed to tell her to not pick Sonya up today . I grabbed my cell to call her , because I was afraid if I didn 't do it right then I 'd forget . My memory works that way , which means it doesn 't work very well at all . Now I know the law in the state of California is that it is illegal to use your cell phone when driving . There are some states that haven 't passed that law yet , but I do live in one that has . I know this . The fact is I rarely use my phone in the car , unless it is for a quick call . I don 't have a bluetooth , and my car is not set up for one the way Andy 's is . I knew the call would be quick , but I know that is no excuse . Still , I did it anyway . I couldn 't have been on more than 45 seconds . It was just long enough to tell her don 't pick Sonya up today , goodbye . That was all it took for the police officer in the car RIGHT NEXT TO ME see it . Too bad I didn 't see him . I had to make a right turn and that 's when I saw him pull up to turn behind me . At first I thought , or I was just hoping , he had decided to turn too . He wasn 't behind me to pull me over was he ? For what ? The phone ? I hadn 't been on long enough for him to even see , had I ? Then I took the right turn , and he follows with his lights on . Perhaps he had noticed the phone call . DAMN ! He walked up to my car , asked for my license and registration then asked if I knew why he pulled me over . Not wanting to admit to anything that he might not have seen , I said I didn 't . Then he asked if I was aware that it was illegal to talk on a cell phone while driving in California . Oh THAT ? ! Yes , well , I wasn 't on but a few seconds and I really never used my cell in the car , I swear and I 'm so sorry ! " Okay , " he said , taking my information . " I 'll be right back . " He actually seemed like a really nice police officer and for half of a second I thought he might let it go . But then I saw him walk to his cruiser and pull out his paperwork to do what I knew he would . What happens every time I get pulled over . I am never one of those lucky ones who gets away with warnings , or a slap on the wrist and a " don 't do it again " . Nope , I always get the ticket . As I sat there , upset with myself , the girls started asking questions again . After the kid inquisition , I sat there wondering how much this was going to cost and how I was going to mention it to Andy . Crap . This sucked . Even twenty years later I had to worry about telling someone about getting a ticket . Then something awesome happened . The officer walked up to my window , ticket in hand with my license and registration . I assumed he was coming to explain it to me and have me sign it . Instead he said , " This is going to cause me a whole bunch of paperwork , because I already started writing it , but I just can 't give you a ticket the day after your birthday ! " WHAT ? You mean you 're LETTING ME GO ? ? ? With only one of those warnings that everyone else I know gets ? How fantastic are you ? ? ! ! And he really was . He wasn 't one of those jerky cops , but a nice guy who policed the small city of Burbank . I thanked him profusely , promised I would NOT be doing that again . He told me stories of accidents scenes he 's called to and how nine times out of ten , the person has been talking or texting . I told him I did know better and was wrong . I thanked him again , he handed me my license and I was off . I couldn 't believe it ! I actually got out of a ticket for the first time ever ! I did learn my lesson though . I didn 't dare even look at my phone for the rest of the day in the car . Then on my trip to Target , I bought a bluetooth headset , just in case I do need to make any kind of quick call . I set a bad example for my girls once , I didn 't need to do it again . And see , I didn 't even need the ticket to learn my lesson , warnings and second chances really do work on people like me . Posted by So , yeah . Today is my birthday . Yay . And yes I am 38 . Not a fabulous age or birthday . Still a couple years from 40 with is both good , because I 'm not ready for 40 and bad , because at least 40 is a big deal . It 's not that I hate getting older necessarily . It does freak me out because as I get older I realize that my life could be half over . On the other hand , getting older has made me more comfortable with myself . I know who I am and my strengths , weaknesses , and all my craziness . I 'm okay with all of it . I understand people and situations better . I feel like I 'm getting wiser with each year , but am also smart enough to know there is still more I could learn . I am also okay with where I am , because , and not to brag , but I am in better shape than I 've been in for years . Well , except for the boobs . Those will never be what they were without surgical help . Since we don 't have an extra few thousand dollars laying around , I will just have to rely on the good people at Victoria 's Secret to make them look better . But besides that , I am in great shape from all the hard work I 've put in , working out and watching what I eat . It 's not always easy with three kids , but they are all at an age now where I can concentrate on myself just a little bit . I feel good about it . So even though I 'm getting older , at least I 'm holding it together . For the time being anyway . Either way , getting older isn 't that bad . As my Pop - pop used to say , " beats the hell out of the alternative . " I 've talked about my Grandfather on this blog before . Today he turns 85 . He is my last Grandparent alive , and I am lucky enough to live near him , so that my girls get a chance to know him . A year and a half ago , he lost my Grandmother , his wife of over 60 years . Although , she 's only been gone two years , it 's emotionally been longer than that for him . She developed Alzheimer 's several years before her passing , and didn 't know him or anyone else for a good portion of that time . Grandpa has been lonely for a quite a while . After she passed , he spent most of his days in a chair in the room he lives in at my uncle 's house , either sleeping or watching TV . It seemed like he was just " waiting for his time " . Then something happened . Something I never thought I 'd see . My 85 year old Grandfather got himself a girlfriend . Grandpa usually comes to visit us at least once a month . He likes to see the girls , and he and I chat and catch up for about an hour , before he heads back home . It was during one of these visits that he told me about this lady who kept saving him seats next to her at church functions . She saved him a seat after a wedding and at a Christmas celebration . He told me how she had tracked him down at the Christmas party to make sure he knew that she had a seat saved next to her . " Um , Grandpa , " I said . " I think she might like you . " After Christmas , I didn 't hear from him for a while . At the end of last year he had talked about going to visit my parents in Florida in January like he had the year before . They never heard from him . Then he called me in February one day to see if I was at home . He was in Burbank , and wanted to stop by . Apparently , he had taken my advice and for the past month and a half had been driving to Burbank at least twice a week to see Matea . He wanted to bring her by and introduce her to me and the girls . Unfortunately , I was in the middle of one of my crazy drive all over Burbank for gymnasticgirlscoutpianobaseball days and wasn 't going to be home . I told him to let me know ahead of time when he 'd be in town again , so I could make sure we could meet up . Otherwise , I told him to bring her to Lana 's birthday party the next month . How was I to know how that disaster of a day would turn out ? Unfortunately , that is what he ended up doing . I don 't know if any of you remember that story of Lana 's awesome birthday party , but it was not a friendly environment for a couple in their 80 's . Between the rain outside and the extreme noise inside , they weren 't looking to stay for too long . Can 't say I blamed them . I did manage to say hi and meet her for a brief minute . I was able to grab each of the girls for ten seconds to introduce them and then they were off . Grandpa and Matea went to the living room , had cake and then excused themselves about twenty minutes later . I felt bad but there was not much I could do except invite them over again in more calm and quiet circumstances . So last week Grandpa and his girlfriend stopped by for a visit . The girls were all here and they had a little more time to show off their cuteness and yes , more of their craziness . Matea didn 't seem to be bothered by the antics of my girls , and I had a chance to talk and get to know her . Turns out she was born and raised in Burbank . She also raised her four kids here . She is a very sweet woman and likes Grandpa A LOT . They sat on the couch next to each other , holding hands and making googly eyes the entire time they were here . If they weren 't so much older it would have been annoying , but I gotta admit , Geriatric love is adorable . They left after about an hour or so . I gave Grandpa a birthday card with a gift certificate to one of five different restaurants . He was excited and announced that he had wanted to take her to one of those places . I was excited he had someone to go with him out to eat again . He was happier than I 've seen him in years . It sounds cheesy , but there is a certain spark in his eye . He 's found a reason to keep going , and I couldn 't be happier . After they left , that night at dinner Sonya said to me , " Well , yeah sort of . She 'll be your step Great - Grandma , " I informed her . " Is that okay with you if that happens ? " I am also okay with this idea . My Grandpa and Matea were both concerned with how their families were going to react to their dating , but as far as I can tell , at least on Grandpa 's side , we are all so very happy for him . He 's brought up the subject of getting married to her a couple times to me . Sure it 's only been four months , but as he said " I 'm not getting any younger ! " At 85 , that is the truth , but whatever time he has left , might as well be spent with someone he likes to be with and not his chair and television . So I 'm hoping that they do make it official because it 's great to see that even at 85 love and happiness can be found . Happy Birthday Grandpa ! Here 's to ( at least ) another ten happy in love years ! ! A few weeks ago , when my friend Trista was here with her husband and baby , I came to a bad realization . My girls were starting to get out of control . They weren 't listening to me at all , talking back and throwing tantrums more than ever . I had become somewhat complacent because , to be honest , sometimes I just get tired of doing this job . ( Sorry Trista and Jesse for the girls ' bad behavior ) . Then we went to visit Andy at work later that same week , and I saw even more clearly how unruly they were becoming . We went to say hi to his boss and the girls did everything but turn the place upside down , ignoring every " no , stop that " Andy and I uttered . Yeah , it wasn 't good . I realized I had to do something . I couldn 't let them continue to act like crazy kids . I know that children aren 't going to be well behaved all the time , but I did not want to have those kids who were terrible constantly . So , I decided to seek help in a book called This is a book I read years ago , when Sonya was younger and starting to show signs of insubordination . I put it into practice back then and it worked . I 've tried to continue to use it , but you know , things fall by the wayside after a while . Having babies fifteen months apart will do that to you . So , I decided I needed a refresher course . I pulled the book off the shelf and skimmed through it hitting the major points . The basic idea is that you use counting to stop bad behavior like , talking back , yelling , fighting , tantrums , etc . We all mostly use counting to three in some form , as have I . The key is to not get stuck on two . . . . two and haaallllfff . . . and to also keep your emotions out of it . Something I have a VERY hard time with . I sometimes am the one having the temper tantrums . When you get to a count of three , they get a time out or another consequence you 've established . In our house the key thing to take away is treats . In other houses it might be TV or video games , but neither of those works for us . They could care less about video games and rarely watch TV anymore . But treats . . . you 'd think I was taking away Christmas . The other half of the discipline is to use timers or charts for " start behaviors " . This includes cleaning their rooms , unloading the dishwasher , or even eating dinner . That last one is for Lana . If they don 't get whatever they are supposed to get done in their allowed amount of time , they have a consequence . If it 's cleaning their rooms and it 's not done in the twenty minutes I give them , then I take all the toys not in their proper place and put them in a garbage bag . Then they go off to the garage until the next evening . If Lana doesn 't eat her dinner in twenty minutes - or most of it - then she misses out on any type of bread we are having or a dessert , if that is offered . I know , I 'm mean , but damn if it didn 't start to work . I explained the rules to the girls when I started this a few weeks back . They all understood , but they were all taken aback by how serious I was about this . I think that first week everyone had at least one or two timeouts a day and there were no treats for anyone for at least five days . It was a rough week , as they figured out how serious I was about this . Lana and Georgia lost half their toys to the garage one night . I know they didn 't think I would do it , but I sure did . They cried for fifteen minutes about their lost toys . Here 's the thing , it 's not like they were cleaning that whole time and just ran out of time to finish . If that was the case I would give them more time to clean up their mess . However , twenty minutes is more than enough time for them to do what needs to be done . They just chose to screw around for the first twelve minutes . Turns out eight minutes is NOT enough time for them to clean up their huge mess . The next night they had everything cleaned up in ten . They were not about to lose their toys for a second night . If nothing else , they learn quickly ! After a week , I was giddy with how well my new strategy was working . They were doing what they were asked . The back talk and eye rolls were kept to a minimum , and I was actually starting to like them again . Then we had a backslide last week for a few days , where they didn 't want to listen and I may have been a bit more irritable , letting my emotions get the better of me at times . PMS . It happens . What can you do ? So it 's not a perfect system , because I 'm not perfect and neither are they , but it 's one that seems to be working a lot better than what I was doing before . Before it was just a lot of me yelling and giving up . I feel more in control and better about my parenting . I even started a star chart for them to encourage their good behavior . I didn 't want things to be taken away from them only . They needed to want to be good for something , not just so they wouldn 't lose treats . So now when they do something good , or do a chore when asked the first time , I let them color in a star . When they get to the end of the stars - 14 of them - they get to pick a prize from the prize box . Otherwise known as the $ 1 Target bin . The girls are not always happy with this new system and sometimes become more irritated when I start to count them . This , of course , leads me to the next number sooner and usually lands them in time out . They can 't be good all the time , but this is definitely helping them learn to make better choices and become more well behaved . I guess I didn 't realize how much this was annoying them , or at least Sonya , until I was in her room changing her sheets last week . Her closet door was open and I noticed a paper on the floor with her writing . It looked like one of her " projects " she likes to work on , so I picked it up to see what she was working on , then laughed aloud when I saw this : I guess she really wasn 't happy with the new system , and this was her way of getting back at me . It makes sense , because she was probably the one most affected . Lana is used to time outs , and Georgia doesn 't really get in trouble all that often . Sonya , however , had been getting difficult for me to deal with . She had more timeouts and treats taken away in that first week than I 'm sure either of us care to admit . She gets it now , and is starting to be more respectful of me . Something she was seriously lacking before , which was my fault for not teaching her or demanding it more . We all let our kids get out of control every once in a while , but the important thing is to recognize it and reel them in before they get to " Oh my god ! Did you see what that little girl did ? ? " status . It 's never to late to discipline your kids . If you need help , I highly recommend this book , although I 'm sure there 's other great ones out there . The important thing is to just do it . It will suck for everyone for a couple weeks and might even seem to stop working from time to time , but keep with it . Those of us who are trying to do everything we can to raise our kids to be good people , don 't want our kids to have nothing but assholes to associate with in the future , just because their parents didn 't feel like disciplining them . Don 't let me fool you into thinking I know it all , however . I still suck at this some days , but I just keep trying . This job is tough but you can 't give up , even if there are days you want to . If you do , you let the terrorists win . At least that 's what I 've heard . Posted by I thought before it got to far away from Lana 's birthday , I would share with you the Hello Kitty cupcakes I made for her party and to take to her school . Because , you know , I 'm getting all creative with my cupcakes lately , and " Cupcake Wars " is sooo going to be calling me any day now . These gals were a bit easier to make than the giraffes from a couple months ago , but still all my own creation . Here 's what you need : Frost the cupcakes with white frosting . Then , using the black frosting or gel tube , make the eyes and the whiskers . The eyes are more vertically oval than they are round . After that I took a yellow skittle or M & M and put it in between the eyes for the nose . Then I took a Flipz pretzel and carefully cut it into thirds . Be careful cutting these , because they have a tendency to break into more than three pieces . I chose the best two to stick in the top of the cupcake for her ears . The finishing touch was the bow . At first I had no idea what I was going to use . As it turns out , Sour Patch Kids look like a hair bow . So I placed a Sour Patch Kid horizontally on the right " ear " . Viola ! Hello Kitty Cupcakes . Please direct " Cupcake Wars " to this blog so they know who to contact for their " Kids Birthday Parties " episode . Posted by A couple months ago , I started hearing rumblings about these books called , " The Hunger Games " . I had heard about the movie that was coming out in March , but knew nothing of it . It wasn 't on my radar at all . Then I went to my monthly meeting for the board I 'm on at the school I take Lana and Georgia to . Someone mentioned the movie and the books , and one of the moms started telling us how great they were and briefly described the premise . It intrigued me , but I was in the middle of a book at the time , so I just filed it away in my memory bank for a later date . Except things tend to get lost in there these day , so I kinda forgot about it . Then about a month ago , I started hearing more and more about the books everywhere , due to the movie soon to be released . Anyone who had read the books loved them , so I decided to give ' em a go . I ordered the first one from Amazon and by the time I got it , I was ready to start a new book . I was immediately sucked in and found myself trying to find any time to read even a page . I stayed up way later than I should have , spent extra time in the bathroom , and let the kids play a bit longer in the bathtub , just so I could read more . It was SO DAMN GOOD ! I hadn 't been into a book like that since " Harry Potter " . Most of the time it takes me a few weeks to get through a book , because I rarely have time to read . But when you 're staying up until 1am , turns out you can get through a book in a week . Which is what I did . When I ordered that book , I thought about ordering all three , but decided against it . What if I didn 't like the first one and didn 't care about reading the others . This is kind of how I felt about " The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo " . Not that it wasn 't good , I just don 't really care all that much about reading the others . It never hooked me like this one did . Well , once I read the last page of " The Hunger Games " , I was cursing myself that I didn 't get the other two . I thought about going on line and ordering them on Amazon , but that would take a few days for them to arrive . I didn 't think I could wait even an hour to see what sort of fate waited for Katniss and Peeta . I had to go to Target anyway that week , so why not just pick up the books while I was there ? Okay , perhaps I went to Target to get the books and got other things I needed while I was there , but whatever . I didn 't go just to get the books . You can 't go to Target to just get one thing anyway . Ever . I swear there are subliminal messages hiding in that store to make you buy more stuff . When I got there , I immediately went to the book section . It 's not big , but they always have the latest best selling books . I stood in front of the best selling fiction section searching for the final two books in the series . Nothing . Didn 't see them anywhere . Could the be sold out ? No , there wasn 't even a tag for them anywhere . I scanned each row of books , conYoung Adult Yup . I like the books for kids ! Okay , but young adult means at least 18 - 24ish right ? So that 's not THAT bad . I mean I 'm going to be 38 in two weeks , but whatever . Then I reminded myself , that wait , I don 't care . That first book was awesome and I can 't wait to read the second and third one . Besides , I was and am a huge fan of the " Harry Potter " series and those weren 't exactly meant for middle age adults either . Yet just about everyone I know has read them . And really the way Sonya reads , she just might ask to read " The Hunger Games " in the next couple of years . I have to make sure it 's appropriate for her age , so let 's just call it research . I grabbed the books and threw them in my cart , then went and found the other $ 80 worth of things I didn 't really need to buy . It took me less than a week to read the second and I 'm currently on the last book . I 'm trying to take my time with this one though , because I know it 's the last one . Plus I REALLY needed to start going to bed earlier . I was starting to feel like I did when the girls were newborns . Oh and I needed to stop neglecting them for the books because one day , when I was trying to sneak a read in , Sonya said to me , Yes , yes I do . But hey , I will try to cut you a little slack in a couple years when you are hiding under your covers with these books and a flashlight until 11pm trying to get , " just one more chapter " in . Posted by " Oooohhhh ! ! " I said , realizing what they meant . " I think you mean ' snap out of it ' . " Somewhere along the way , I 'm sure they 've heard the phrase . I may have even said it myself a time or two , they just transposed the words . Then Sonya sighed , rolled her eyes at me and said , " NO mom ! It 's ' snap it out ' ! " Oh I 'm sorry . I didn 't realize in her seven years she gained more wisdom and knowledge than I have in almost 38 . I guess I should just " snap it out " . Posted by One of my friends got Lana this " auto tuner " microphone Paper Jamz for her birthday . The girls all LOVE it . Okay , I LOVE it . ( Thanks Kelly Kimball ! ) It 's fun to sing into and listen to it distort your voice to make it sound better , or worse . Last week I recorded the little girls singing Coldplay 's " Paradise " into it . Why that song ? This is their current favorite song to sing . Well , that and Fun 's " We Are Young " . Yup , nothing like your 3 and 5 year old singing to a song about getting drunk at a bar and having someone there to carry you home . What ? ? It 's a GOOD song ! Anyway - I stuck with recording this one . Also because they will be hearing it a bunch more as I play it over and over again to get ready for their concert in May . My family just bought me tickets for my birthday ! I 'm so excited ! I hear Coldplay puts on one of the best shows ever . Thanks Mom , Dad , Beth and Megan ! Now , maybe if I can get this video to Chris Martin , he 'll upgrade my seats to front row . Or call me for a playmate with Apple and Moses . How could he not with all that talent and cuteness ? Posted by I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that .

Years ago , there was a very wealthy man who , with his devoted young son , shared a passion for art collecting . Together they travelled around the world , adding only the finest art treasures to their collection . Priceless works by Picasso , Van Gogh , Monet , and many others adorned the walls of their family estate . The widowed elderly man looked on with satisfaction as his only child became an experienced art collector . The son 's trained eye and sharp business mind caused his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors around the world . As winter approached , war engulfed their nation , and the young man left to serve his country . After only a few short weeks , the elderly man received a telegram that his beloved son was missing in action . The art collector anxiously awaited more news , fearing he would never see his son again . Within days his fears were confirmed . The young man had died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic . Distraught and lonely , the old man faced the upcoming Christmas holidays with anguish and sadness . The joys of the season - a season that he and his son had so looked forward to in the past - would visit his house no longer . On Christmas morning , a knock on the door awakened the depressed old man . As he walked to the door , the masterpieces of art on the walls only reminded him that his son was not coming home . He opened the door and was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand . The soldier introduced himself to the old man by saying , " I was a friend of your son . I was the one he was rescuing when he died . May I come in for a few moments ? I have something to show you . " As the two began to talk , the soldier told of how the man 's son had told every one of his - and his father 's - love of fine art work . " I 'm also an artist , " said the soldier , " and I want to give you this . " As the old man began to un - wrap the package , paper gave way to reveal a portrait of the man 's son . Though the world would never consider it a work of genius , the painting featured the young man 's face in striking detail . Overcome with emotion , the old man thanked the soldier , promising to hang the portrait above the fireplace . A few hours later , after the soldier had departed , the old man set about his task . True to his word , the painting went above the fireplace , pushing aside thousands of dollars worth of paintings . And then the old man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he had been given . During the days and weeks that followed , the man learned that his son had rescued dozens of wounded soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart . As the stories of his son 's gallantry continued to reach him , fatherly pride and satisfaction began to ease his grief , as he realized that , although his son was no longer with him , the boy 's life would live on because of those he had touched . The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession , far eclipsing any interest in the priceless pieces for which museums around the world clamoured . He told his neighbours it was the greatest gift he had ever received . The following spring , the old man became ill and passed away . The art world was in anticipation , since , with the old man 's passing , and his only son dead ; those paintings would be sold at an auction . According to the will of the old man , all of the art works would be auctioned on Christmas Day , the way he had received his greatest gift . The day finally arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid on some of the world 's most spectacular paintings . Dreams could be fulfilled this day ; greatness could be achieved as some could say , " I have the greatest collection . " The auction began with a painting that was not on any museum list . . . It was the painting of the old man 's son . The auctioneer asked for an opening bid , but the room was silent . " Who will open the bidding with $ 100 ? " he asked . Moments passed as no one spoke . From the back of the room came , " Who cares about that painting ? It 's just a picture of his son . Let 's forget it and get on to the good ones . " More voices echoed in agreement . " No , we have to sell this one - first , " replied the auctioneer . " Now who will take the son ? " Finally , a friend of the old man spoke . " Will you take $ 10 for the painting ? That 's all I have . " Will anyone go higher ? " called the auctioneer . After more silence he said , " Going once , going twice . . . Gone " The gavel fell . Cheers filled the room and someone shouted ; " Now we can get on with it and bid on these treasures ! " The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced that the auction was over . Stunned disbelief quieted the room . Then someone spoke up and asked , " What do you mean it 's over ? We didn 't come here for a portrait of some old man 's son ! What about all of the other paintings ? There is millions of dollars worth of artwork here . We demand an explanation ! " The auctioneer replied , " It 's very simple . According to the will of the father , whoever takes the son . . . gets it all . " Once when I was a teenager , my father and I were standing in line to buy tickets for the circus . Finally , there was only one family between the ticket counter and us . This family made a big impression on me . There were eight children , all probably under the age of 12 . You could tell they didn 't have a lot of money . Their clothes were not expensive , but they were clean . The children were well behaved , all of them standing in line , two - by - two behind their parents , holding hands . They were excitedly jabbering about the clowns , elephants and other acts they would see that night . One could sense they had never been to the circus before . It promised to be a highlight of their young lives . The father and mother were at the head of the pack standing proud as could be . The mother was holding her husband 's hand , looking up at him as if to say , " You 're my knight in shining armour . " He was smiling and basking in pride , looking at her as if to reply , " You got that right . " Seeing what was going on , my dad put his hand into his pocket , pulled out a $ 20 bill and dropped it on the ground . ( We were not wealthy in any sense of the word ! ) My father reached down , picked up the bill , tapped the man on the shoulder and said , " Excuse me sir , this fell out of your pocket . " The man knew what was going on . He wasn 't begging for a handout but certainly appreciated the help in a desperate , heartbreaking , embarrassing situation . He looked straight into my dad 's eyes , took my dad 's hand in both of his , squeezed tightly onto the $ 20 bill , and with his lip quivering and a tear streaming down his cheek , he replied , " Thank you , thank you , sir . This really means a lot to me and my family . " A man found a cocoon of a butterfly . One day a small opening appeared ; he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole . Then it seemed to stop making any progress . It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther . Then the man decided to help the butterfly , so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon . The butterfly then emerged easily . But it had a swollen body and small , shrivelled wings . The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that , at any moment , the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body , which would contract in time . Neither happened ! In fact , the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shrivelled wings . It never was able to fly . What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were nature 's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon . Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life . If nature allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles , it would cripple us . We would not be as strong as what we could have been . And we could never fly . . . Posted by Many years ago three soldiers , hungry and weary of battle , came upon a small village . The villagers , suffering a meagre harvest and the many years of war , quickly hid what little they had to eat and met the three at the village square , wringing their hands and bemoaning the lack of anything to eat . The soldiers spoke quietly among themselves and the first soldier then turned to the village elders . " Your tired fields have left you nothing to share , so we will share what little we have : the secret of how to make soup from stones . " Naturally the villagers were intrigued and soon a fire was put to the town 's greatest kettle as the soldiers dropped in three smooth stones . " Now this will be a fine soup " , said the second soldier ; " but a pinch of salt and some parsley would make it wonderful ! " Up jumped a villager , crying , " What luck ! I 've just remembered where some has been left ! " And off she ran , returning with an apron full of parsley and a turnip . As the kettle boiled on , the memory of the village improved : soon barley , carrots , beef and cream had found their way into the great pot , and a cask of wine was rolled into the square as all sat down to feast . They ate and danced and sang well into the night , refreshed by the feast and their newfound friends . In the morning the three soldiers awoke to find the entire village standing before them . At their feet lay a satchel of the village 's best breads and cheese . " You have given us the greatest of gifts : the secret of how to make soup from stones " , said an elder , " and we shall never forget . " The third soldier turned to the crowd , and said : " There is no secret , but this is certain : it is only by sharing that we may make a feast " , and off the soldiers wandered , down the road . Horror gripped the heart of the World War I soldier as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle . Caught in a trench with continuous gunfire whizzing over his head , the soldier asked his lieutenant if he might go out into the " No Man 's Land " between the trenches to bring his fallen comrade back . " You can go , " said the Lieutenant , " but I don 't think it will be worth it . Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your own life away . " The Lieutenant 's words didn 't matter , and the soldier went anyway . Miraculously he managed to reach his friend , hoist him onto his shoulder , and bring him back to their company 's trench . As the two of them tumbled in together to the bottom of the trench , the officer checked the wounded soldier , and then looked kindly at his friend . " I told you it wouldn 't be worth it , " he said . " Your friend is dead , and you are mortally wounded . " " It was worth it , though , sir , " the soldier said . " How do you mean , ' worth it ? " responded the Lieutenant , " Your friend is dead ! " " Yes sir , " the soldier answered . " But it was worth it because when I got to him , he was still alive , and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say , ' FRIEND , I knew you 'd come . ' " Posted by The incident took place a few years ago at the Seattle Special Olympics . The Special Olympics is a competition , which is open to mentally retarded and mentally disabled children . In this competition , youngsters , each with some form of disability , compete against each other . Everyone was tense . The race was getting ready to start . Nine children , all physically or mentally disabled , assembled at the starting line for the 1 00 - yard dash . As the starter fired the shot that started the race , all the children in the race started to run . Well , not exactly in a dash like other children might have started to run . They all started with a relish and determination to run the race to the finish and win . They wanted so much to be like other children . Their proud parents sat in the stands . All the youngsters started out in that race except one little fellow who was so determined to win that he accidentally slipped and stumbled on the asphalt . Because he had built up such a tremendous thrust , he tumbled over and over and rolled uncontrollably on the ground . When he finally came to a halt , he began to cry . The other eight children in the competition , who were well ahead of the one who fell , heard the boy cry . They looked back , and when they saw what had happened , they not only slowed down , they began to walk back to the child who had fallen . One little girl with Down 's syndrome , who was slightly older than the others , ran over to the youngster who had fallen and she held his bruised knee . She bent over and kissed the knee , adding , " This will make it all better . " The others helped him up . Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line . Everyone in the stadium stood up ! The cheering went on for several minutes as tears filled the eyes of those who saw the incident . People who were in the stands are still telling the story . Why ? Because deep down every one of us knows that what really matters in this life is more than simply winning for ourselves . . . What matters is helping others win , even if it means slowing down Shahid Riaz There was a man taking a morning walk at the beach . He saw that along with the morning tide came hundreds of starfish and when the tide receded , they were left behind and with the morning sun they would die . The tide was fresh and the starfish were alive . The man took a few steps , picked one and threw it into the water . He went to the next and did the same and so no . One after the other he kept throwing them back into the water . Right behind him there was another person who couldn 't understand what this man was doing . He caught up with him and asked , " What are you doing ? There are hundreds of starfish . How many can you help ? What difference does it make ? " This man did not reply , took two more steps , picked up another one , threw it into the water , and said , " It makes a difference to this one . " What difference are we making ? Big or small , it does not matter . If everyone made a small difference , we 'd end up with a big difference , wouldn 't we ? Posted by About ten years ago , a young and very successful executive named Josh was travelling down a Chicago neighbourhood street . He was going a bit too fast in his sleek , black , 12 cylinders Jaguar XKE , which was only two months old . He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something . As his car passed , no child darted out , but a brick sailed out and - - WHUMP ! - - It smashed into the Jag 's shiny black side door ! SCREECH ! Brakes slammed ! Gears ground into reverse , and tires madly spun the Jaguar back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown . Josh jumped out of the car , grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car . He shouted at the kid , " What was that all about and who are you ? Just what the heck are you doing ? " Building up a head of steam , he went on . " That 's my new Jag ; that brick you threw is going to cost you a lot of money . Why did you throw it ? " " Please , mister , please . . . I 'm sorry ! I didn 't know what else to do ! " pleaded the youngster . " I threw the brick because no one else would stop ! " Tears were dripping down the boy 's chin as he pointed around the parked car . " It 's my brother , mister , " he said . " He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can 't lift him up . " Sobbing , the boy asked the executive , " Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair ? He 's hurt and he 's too heavy for me . " Moved beyond words , the young executive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat . Straining , he lifted the young man back into the Wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts , checking to see that everything was going to be OK . He then watched the younger brother push him down the sidewalk toward their home . It was a long walk back to the sleek , black , shining , 12 cylinders Jaguar XKE - - a long and slow walk . Now , Josh never did fix the side door of his Jaguar . He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention . Posted by A young man applied for a job as a farmhand . When the farmer asked for his qualifications , he said , " I can sleep when the wind blows . " This puzzled the farmer . But he liked the young man , and hired him . A few days later , the farmer and his wife were awakened in the night by a violent storm . They quickly began to check things out to see if all was secure . They found that the shutters of the farmhouse had been securely fastened . A good supply of logs had been set next to the fireplace . The young man slept soundly . The farmer and his wife then inspected their property . They found that the farm tools had been placed in the storage shed , safe from the elements . The tractor had been moved into the garage . The barn was properly locked . Even the animals were calm . All was well . The farmer then understood the meaning of the young man 's words , " I can sleep when the wind blows . " Because the farmhand did his work loyally and faithfully when the skies were clear , he was prepared for the storm when it broke . So when the wind blew , he was not afraid . He could sleep in peace . Posted by A group of students was asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World . Though there was some disagreement , the following got the most votes : 1 . Egypt 's Great Pyramids . 2 . Taj Mahal . 3 . Grand Canyon . 4 . Panama Canal . 5 . Empire State Building . 6 . St . Peter 's Basilica . 7 . China 's Great Wall . While gathering the votes , the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn 't turned in her paper yet . So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list . The girl replied , " Yes , a little . I couldn 't quite make up my mind because there were so many . " The teacher said , " Well , tell us what you have , and maybe we can help . " The girl hesitated , then read , " I think the Seven Wonders of the World are : - 1 . To touch . 2 . To taste . 3 . To see . 4 . To hear . She hesitated a little , and then added : - 5 . To feel . 6 . To laugh . 7 . And to love . The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop . Those things we overlook as simple and " ordinary " are truly wondrous . A gentle reminder that the most precious things are before you : your family , your faith , your love , your good health and your friends . Posted by A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert . In a specific point of the journey , they had an argument , and one friend slapped the other one in the face . The one , who got slapped , was hurt , but without anything to say , he wrote in the sand : " TODAY , MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE " . They kept on walking , until they found an oasis , where they decided to take a bath . The one who got slapped and hurt started drowning , and the other friend saved him . When he recovered from the fright , he wrote on a stone : " TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE " . The friend who saved and slapped his best friend , asked him , " Why , after I hurt you , you wrote in the sand , and now you write on a stone ? " The other friend , smiling , replied : " When a friend hurts us , we should write it down in the sand , where the winds of forgiveness get in charge of erasing it away , and when something great happens , we should engrave it in the stone of the memory of the heart , where no wind can erase it " Learn to write in the sand . Once there were a group of man - a young hot - blooded guy and a big number of old folks , doing timber job in a jungle ( i . e . chopping down trees ) . This young chap is very hard working . He always continues to work through his break time and complains that those old folks were wasting time , having to break few times a day to drink and chat . As times goes by , this young guy noticed that even though he worked thru ' break time and hardly took a rest . . . those old folks are chopping the same amount of trees as he did and sometimes did more than he did . It was as if those old folks work thru ' the break time as he did . So he decided to work harder the next day . . . unfortunately the results were even worse . One day , one of the old folk invited him for a drink during their break time . That young guy refused and said he has no extra time to spend ! Then the old man smiled to him and said " It was just a waste of effort to keep chopping trees without re - sharpening your knife . Sooner or later you will give up or be so exhausted as you have spent too much energy . " Suddenly the young man realised that actually during break times while those old folks were having a chat , they were also re - sharpening their knife at the same time ! And that 's how they can chop faster than him and yet spending lesser time ! The old man said " What we need is efficiency by making use of our skill and ability intelligently . Only then can we have more times to do other things . Otherwise you will always keep saying . . . I have no time ! " The morale of the story : - But by taking a break , it is not to stop work but to rest and re - think our strategy to go about it from another angle . Think smart , work smart and rest smart . Posted by Sir Edmund Hillary was the first man to climb Mount Everest . On May 29 , 1953 he scaled the highest mountain then known to man - 29 , 000 feet straight up . He was knighted for his efforts . He even made American Express card commercials because of it ! However , until we read his book , High Adventure , we don 't understand that Hillary had to grow into this success . You see , in 1952 he attempted to climb Mount Everest , but failed . A few weeks later a group in England asked him to address its members . Hillary walked on stage to a thunderous applause . The audience was recognizing an attempt at greatness , but Edmund Hillary saw himself as a failure . He moved away from the microphone and walked to the edge of the platform . He made a fist and pointed at a picture of the mountain . He said in a loud voice , " Mount Everest , you beat me the first time , but I 'll beat you the next time because you 've grown all you are going to grow . . . but I 'm still growing ! " Posted by A man came home from work late , tired and irritated , to find his 5 years old son waiting for him at the door . Son : - " Daddy , May I ask you a question ? " Daddy : - " Yeah sure , what it is ? " Son : - " Dad , how much do u make an hour ? Daddy : - " That 's none of your business . Why you ask such a thing ? " that man said angrily Son : - " I just want to know . Please tell me , how much do you make an hour ? " Daddy : - " If you must know , I make Rs . 500 an hour . " " Oh , " the little boy replied , with his head down , looking up , he said , " Dad , may I please borrow Rs 300 ? The father was furious , " If the only reason u asked that is so u can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense , then march yourself to your room and go to bed , Think why u are being so selfish . I work hard everyday for such this childish behaviour . " The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door . The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy 's questions . How dare he ask such questions only to get some money ? After about an hour or so , the man had calmed down , and started to think " May be there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs . 300 and he really didn 't ask for money very often ! " The man went to the door of little boy 's room and opened the door . " Are u asleep , son ? " He asked . No daddy , I 'm awake , " replied the boy . I 've been thinking , may be I was too hard on you earlier , " said the man , it 's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you . Here 's the Rs . 300 you asked for . " The little boy sat straight up , smiling . " Oh thank you dad ! " He yelled . Then , reaching under his pillow he pulled some crumpled up bills . The man seeing that the boy already had money , started to get angry again . The little boy slowly counted out his money , then looked up at his father . " Why do you want money if you already have some ? " the father grumbled . " Because I didn 't have enough , but now I do , " the little boy replied . " Daddy , I have Rs . 500 now . Can I buy an hour of your time ? Please come home early tomorrow . I would like THE MORAL OF THIS STORY : - It 's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life . We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us , those close to our hearts . If we die tomorrow , the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days . But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives . And come to think of it , we pour ourselves more into work than to our family . An unwise investment indeed ! ! ! Posted by A rat looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package . What food might it contain ? He was aghast to discover that it was a rattrap . Retreating to the farmyard the rat proclaimed the warning ; " There is a rat trap in the house , a rat trap in the house ! " The chicken clucked and scratched , raised her head and said , " Excuse me , Mr . Rat , I can tell this is a grave concern to you , but it is of no consequence to me . I cannot be bothered by it . " The rat turned to the goat and told him , " There is a rat trap in the house " . " A rat trap in the house ? I am so very sorry Mr . Rat " ; sympathized the goat , " but there is nothing I can do about it but pray . Be assured that you are in my prayers . " The rat turned to the cow . She said , " Like wow , Mr . Rat , a rat trap . I am in grave danger . Duh ! " So the rat returned to the house , head down and dejected , to face the farmer 's rattrap alone . That very night a sound was heard throughout the house , like the sound of a rattrap catching its prey . The farmer 's wife rushed to see what was caught . In the darkness , she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught . The snake bit the farmer 's wife . The farmer rushed her to the hospital . She returned home with a fever . Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup , so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup 's main ingredient . His wife 's sickness continued so that friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock . To feed them the farmer butchered the goat . The farmer 's wife did not get well . She died , and so many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat . So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you , remember that when there is a rattrap in the house , the whole farmyard is at risk . Posted by There once was a little boy who had a bad temper . His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper , he must hammer a nail into the fence . The first day the boy had to drive 15 nails into the fence . Over the next few weeks , as he learned to control his anger the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down . He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence . Finally the day came when the boy didn 't lose his temper at all . He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper . The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone . The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence . He said , " You have done well , my son , but look at the holes in the fence . The fence will never be the same . When you say things in anger , they leave a scar just like this one . You can put a knife in a man and draw it out . It won 't matter how many times you say I 'm sorry , the wound is still there . " A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one . Friends are very rare jewels , indeed . They make you smile and encourage you to succeed . They lend an ear , they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us . I am limited creature , restricted by time and space . I do not like talking about myself - it always seems so egotistical so I will spare you boring details . However , I may indicate that thinking is my hobby . . . I 'm allowed to be bad at it . I am at all not gifted to be able to penetrate the secrets of the heart , but never judge people by their outward actions , habits , looks , lifestyles , etc . , all based on external examination and my own subjective , and therefore faulty experiences .

Years ago , there was a very wealthy man who , with his devoted young son , shared a passion for art collecting . Together they travelled around the world , adding only the finest art treasures to their collection . Priceless works by Picasso , Van Gogh , Monet , and many others adorned the walls of their family estate . The widowed elderly man looked on with satisfaction as his only child became an experienced art collector . The son 's trained eye and sharp business mind caused his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors around the world . As winter approached , war engulfed their nation , and the young man left to serve his country . After only a few short weeks , the elderly man received a telegram that his beloved son was missing in action . The art collector anxiously awaited more news , fearing he would never see his son again . Within days his fears were confirmed . The young man had died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic . Distraught and lonely , the old man faced the upcoming Christmas holidays with anguish and sadness . The joys of the season - a season that he and his son had so looked forward to in the past - would visit his house no longer . On Christmas morning , a knock on the door awakened the depressed old man . As he walked to the door , the masterpieces of art on the walls only reminded him that his son was not coming home . He opened the door and was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand . The soldier introduced himself to the old man by saying , " I was a friend of your son . I was the one he was rescuing when he died . May I come in for a few moments ? I have something to show you . " As the two began to talk , the soldier told of how the man 's son had told every one of his - and his father 's - love of fine art work . " I 'm also an artist , " said the soldier , " and I want to give you this . " As the old man began to un - wrap the package , paper gave way to reveal a portrait of the man 's son . Though the world would never consider it a work of genius , the painting featured the young man 's face in striking detail . Overcome with emotion , the old man thanked the soldier , promising to hang the portrait above the fireplace . A few hours later , after the soldier had departed , the old man set about his task . True to his word , the painting went above the fireplace , pushing aside thousands of dollars worth of paintings . And then the old man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he had been given . During the days and weeks that followed , the man learned that his son had rescued dozens of wounded soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart . As the stories of his son 's gallantry continued to reach him , fatherly pride and satisfaction began to ease his grief , as he realized that , although his son was no longer with him , the boy 's life would live on because of those he had touched . The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession , far eclipsing any interest in the priceless pieces for which museums around the world clamoured . He told his neighbours it was the greatest gift he had ever received . The following spring , the old man became ill and passed away . The art world was in anticipation , since , with the old man 's passing , and his only son dead ; those paintings would be sold at an auction . According to the will of the old man , all of the art works would be auctioned on Christmas Day , the way he had received his greatest gift . The day finally arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid on some of the world 's most spectacular paintings . Dreams could be fulfilled this day ; greatness could be achieved as some could say , " I have the greatest collection . " The auction began with a painting that was not on any museum list . . . It was the painting of the old man 's son . The auctioneer asked for an opening bid , but the room was silent . " Who will open the bidding with $ 100 ? " he asked . Moments passed as no one spoke . From the back of the room came , " Who cares about that painting ? It 's just a picture of his son . Let 's forget it and get on to the good ones . " More voices echoed in agreement . " No , we have to sell this one - first , " replied the auctioneer . " Now who will take the son ? " Finally , a friend of the old man spoke . " Will you take $ 10 for the painting ? That 's all I have . " Will anyone go higher ? " called the auctioneer . After more silence he said , " Going once , going twice . . . Gone " The gavel fell . Cheers filled the room and someone shouted ; " Now we can get on with it and bid on these treasures ! " The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced that the auction was over . Stunned disbelief quieted the room . Then someone spoke up and asked , " What do you mean it 's over ? We didn 't come here for a portrait of some old man 's son ! What about all of the other paintings ? There is millions of dollars worth of artwork here . We demand an explanation ! " The auctioneer replied , " It 's very simple . According to the will of the father , whoever takes the son . . . gets it all . " Once when I was a teenager , my father and I were standing in line to buy tickets for the circus . Finally , there was only one family between the ticket counter and us . This family made a big impression on me . There were eight children , all probably under the age of 12 . You could tell they didn 't have a lot of money . Their clothes were not expensive , but they were clean . The children were well behaved , all of them standing in line , two - by - two behind their parents , holding hands . They were excitedly jabbering about the clowns , elephants and other acts they would see that night . One could sense they had never been to the circus before . It promised to be a highlight of their young lives . The father and mother were at the head of the pack standing proud as could be . The mother was holding her husband 's hand , looking up at him as if to say , " You 're my knight in shining armour . " He was smiling and basking in pride , looking at her as if to reply , " You got that right . " Seeing what was going on , my dad put his hand into his pocket , pulled out a $ 20 bill and dropped it on the ground . ( We were not wealthy in any sense of the word ! ) My father reached down , picked up the bill , tapped the man on the shoulder and said , " Excuse me sir , this fell out of your pocket . " The man knew what was going on . He wasn 't begging for a handout but certainly appreciated the help in a desperate , heartbreaking , embarrassing situation . He looked straight into my dad 's eyes , took my dad 's hand in both of his , squeezed tightly onto the $ 20 bill , and with his lip quivering and a tear streaming down his cheek , he replied , " Thank you , thank you , sir . This really means a lot to me and my family . " A man found a cocoon of a butterfly . One day a small opening appeared ; he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole . Then it seemed to stop making any progress . It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther . Then the man decided to help the butterfly , so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon . The butterfly then emerged easily . But it had a swollen body and small , shrivelled wings . The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that , at any moment , the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body , which would contract in time . Neither happened ! In fact , the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shrivelled wings . It never was able to fly . What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were nature 's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon . Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life . If nature allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles , it would cripple us . We would not be as strong as what we could have been . And we could never fly . . . Posted by Many years ago three soldiers , hungry and weary of battle , came upon a small village . The villagers , suffering a meagre harvest and the many years of war , quickly hid what little they had to eat and met the three at the village square , wringing their hands and bemoaning the lack of anything to eat . The soldiers spoke quietly among themselves and the first soldier then turned to the village elders . " Your tired fields have left you nothing to share , so we will share what little we have : the secret of how to make soup from stones . " Naturally the villagers were intrigued and soon a fire was put to the town 's greatest kettle as the soldiers dropped in three smooth stones . " Now this will be a fine soup " , said the second soldier ; " but a pinch of salt and some parsley would make it wonderful ! " Up jumped a villager , crying , " What luck ! I 've just remembered where some has been left ! " And off she ran , returning with an apron full of parsley and a turnip . As the kettle boiled on , the memory of the village improved : soon barley , carrots , beef and cream had found their way into the great pot , and a cask of wine was rolled into the square as all sat down to feast . They ate and danced and sang well into the night , refreshed by the feast and their newfound friends . In the morning the three soldiers awoke to find the entire village standing before them . At their feet lay a satchel of the village 's best breads and cheese . " You have given us the greatest of gifts : the secret of how to make soup from stones " , said an elder , " and we shall never forget . " The third soldier turned to the crowd , and said : " There is no secret , but this is certain : it is only by sharing that we may make a feast " , and off the soldiers wandered , down the road . Horror gripped the heart of the World War I soldier as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle . Caught in a trench with continuous gunfire whizzing over his head , the soldier asked his lieutenant if he might go out into the " No Man 's Land " between the trenches to bring his fallen comrade back . " You can go , " said the Lieutenant , " but I don 't think it will be worth it . Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your own life away . " The Lieutenant 's words didn 't matter , and the soldier went anyway . Miraculously he managed to reach his friend , hoist him onto his shoulder , and bring him back to their company 's trench . As the two of them tumbled in together to the bottom of the trench , the officer checked the wounded soldier , and then looked kindly at his friend . " I told you it wouldn 't be worth it , " he said . " Your friend is dead , and you are mortally wounded . " " It was worth it , though , sir , " the soldier said . " How do you mean , ' worth it ? " responded the Lieutenant , " Your friend is dead ! " " Yes sir , " the soldier answered . " But it was worth it because when I got to him , he was still alive , and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say , ' FRIEND , I knew you 'd come . ' " Posted by The incident took place a few years ago at the Seattle Special Olympics . The Special Olympics is a competition , which is open to mentally retarded and mentally disabled children . In this competition , youngsters , each with some form of disability , compete against each other . Everyone was tense . The race was getting ready to start . Nine children , all physically or mentally disabled , assembled at the starting line for the 1 00 - yard dash . As the starter fired the shot that started the race , all the children in the race started to run . Well , not exactly in a dash like other children might have started to run . They all started with a relish and determination to run the race to the finish and win . They wanted so much to be like other children . Their proud parents sat in the stands . All the youngsters started out in that race except one little fellow who was so determined to win that he accidentally slipped and stumbled on the asphalt . Because he had built up such a tremendous thrust , he tumbled over and over and rolled uncontrollably on the ground . When he finally came to a halt , he began to cry . The other eight children in the competition , who were well ahead of the one who fell , heard the boy cry . They looked back , and when they saw what had happened , they not only slowed down , they began to walk back to the child who had fallen . One little girl with Down 's syndrome , who was slightly older than the others , ran over to the youngster who had fallen and she held his bruised knee . She bent over and kissed the knee , adding , " This will make it all better . " The others helped him up . Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line . Everyone in the stadium stood up ! The cheering went on for several minutes as tears filled the eyes of those who saw the incident . People who were in the stands are still telling the story . Why ? Because deep down every one of us knows that what really matters in this life is more than simply winning for ourselves . . . What matters is helping others win , even if it means slowing down Shahid Riaz There was a man taking a morning walk at the beach . He saw that along with the morning tide came hundreds of starfish and when the tide receded , they were left behind and with the morning sun they would die . The tide was fresh and the starfish were alive . The man took a few steps , picked one and threw it into the water . He went to the next and did the same and so no . One after the other he kept throwing them back into the water . Right behind him there was another person who couldn 't understand what this man was doing . He caught up with him and asked , " What are you doing ? There are hundreds of starfish . How many can you help ? What difference does it make ? " This man did not reply , took two more steps , picked up another one , threw it into the water , and said , " It makes a difference to this one . " What difference are we making ? Big or small , it does not matter . If everyone made a small difference , we 'd end up with a big difference , wouldn 't we ? Posted by About ten years ago , a young and very successful executive named Josh was travelling down a Chicago neighbourhood street . He was going a bit too fast in his sleek , black , 12 cylinders Jaguar XKE , which was only two months old . He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something . As his car passed , no child darted out , but a brick sailed out and - - WHUMP ! - - It smashed into the Jag 's shiny black side door ! SCREECH ! Brakes slammed ! Gears ground into reverse , and tires madly spun the Jaguar back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown . Josh jumped out of the car , grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car . He shouted at the kid , " What was that all about and who are you ? Just what the heck are you doing ? " Building up a head of steam , he went on . " That 's my new Jag ; that brick you threw is going to cost you a lot of money . Why did you throw it ? " " Please , mister , please . . . I 'm sorry ! I didn 't know what else to do ! " pleaded the youngster . " I threw the brick because no one else would stop ! " Tears were dripping down the boy 's chin as he pointed around the parked car . " It 's my brother , mister , " he said . " He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can 't lift him up . " Sobbing , the boy asked the executive , " Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair ? He 's hurt and he 's too heavy for me . " Moved beyond words , the young executive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat . Straining , he lifted the young man back into the Wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts , checking to see that everything was going to be OK . He then watched the younger brother push him down the sidewalk toward their home . It was a long walk back to the sleek , black , shining , 12 cylinders Jaguar XKE - - a long and slow walk . Now , Josh never did fix the side door of his Jaguar . He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention . Posted by A young man applied for a job as a farmhand . When the farmer asked for his qualifications , he said , " I can sleep when the wind blows . " This puzzled the farmer . But he liked the young man , and hired him . A few days later , the farmer and his wife were awakened in the night by a violent storm . They quickly began to check things out to see if all was secure . They found that the shutters of the farmhouse had been securely fastened . A good supply of logs had been set next to the fireplace . The young man slept soundly . The farmer and his wife then inspected their property . They found that the farm tools had been placed in the storage shed , safe from the elements . The tractor had been moved into the garage . The barn was properly locked . Even the animals were calm . All was well . The farmer then understood the meaning of the young man 's words , " I can sleep when the wind blows . " Because the farmhand did his work loyally and faithfully when the skies were clear , he was prepared for the storm when it broke . So when the wind blew , he was not afraid . He could sleep in peace . Posted by A group of students was asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World . Though there was some disagreement , the following got the most votes : 1 . Egypt 's Great Pyramids . 2 . Taj Mahal . 3 . Grand Canyon . 4 . Panama Canal . 5 . Empire State Building . 6 . St . Peter 's Basilica . 7 . China 's Great Wall . While gathering the votes , the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn 't turned in her paper yet . So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list . The girl replied , " Yes , a little . I couldn 't quite make up my mind because there were so many . " The teacher said , " Well , tell us what you have , and maybe we can help . " The girl hesitated , then read , " I think the Seven Wonders of the World are : - 1 . To touch . 2 . To taste . 3 . To see . 4 . To hear . She hesitated a little , and then added : - 5 . To feel . 6 . To laugh . 7 . And to love . The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop . Those things we overlook as simple and " ordinary " are truly wondrous . A gentle reminder that the most precious things are before you : your family , your faith , your love , your good health and your friends . Posted by A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert . In a specific point of the journey , they had an argument , and one friend slapped the other one in the face . The one , who got slapped , was hurt , but without anything to say , he wrote in the sand : " TODAY , MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE " . They kept on walking , until they found an oasis , where they decided to take a bath . The one who got slapped and hurt started drowning , and the other friend saved him . When he recovered from the fright , he wrote on a stone : " TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE " . The friend who saved and slapped his best friend , asked him , " Why , after I hurt you , you wrote in the sand , and now you write on a stone ? " The other friend , smiling , replied : " When a friend hurts us , we should write it down in the sand , where the winds of forgiveness get in charge of erasing it away , and when something great happens , we should engrave it in the stone of the memory of the heart , where no wind can erase it " Learn to write in the sand . Once there were a group of man - a young hot - blooded guy and a big number of old folks , doing timber job in a jungle ( i . e . chopping down trees ) . This young chap is very hard working . He always continues to work through his break time and complains that those old folks were wasting time , having to break few times a day to drink and chat . As times goes by , this young guy noticed that even though he worked thru ' break time and hardly took a rest . . . those old folks are chopping the same amount of trees as he did and sometimes did more than he did . It was as if those old folks work thru ' the break time as he did . So he decided to work harder the next day . . . unfortunately the results were even worse . One day , one of the old folk invited him for a drink during their break time . That young guy refused and said he has no extra time to spend ! Then the old man smiled to him and said " It was just a waste of effort to keep chopping trees without re - sharpening your knife . Sooner or later you will give up or be so exhausted as you have spent too much energy . " Suddenly the young man realised that actually during break times while those old folks were having a chat , they were also re - sharpening their knife at the same time ! And that 's how they can chop faster than him and yet spending lesser time ! The old man said " What we need is efficiency by making use of our skill and ability intelligently . Only then can we have more times to do other things . Otherwise you will always keep saying . . . I have no time ! " The morale of the story : - But by taking a break , it is not to stop work but to rest and re - think our strategy to go about it from another angle . Think smart , work smart and rest smart . Posted by Sir Edmund Hillary was the first man to climb Mount Everest . On May 29 , 1953 he scaled the highest mountain then known to man - 29 , 000 feet straight up . He was knighted for his efforts . He even made American Express card commercials because of it ! However , until we read his book , High Adventure , we don 't understand that Hillary had to grow into this success . You see , in 1952 he attempted to climb Mount Everest , but failed . A few weeks later a group in England asked him to address its members . Hillary walked on stage to a thunderous applause . The audience was recognizing an attempt at greatness , but Edmund Hillary saw himself as a failure . He moved away from the microphone and walked to the edge of the platform . He made a fist and pointed at a picture of the mountain . He said in a loud voice , " Mount Everest , you beat me the first time , but I 'll beat you the next time because you 've grown all you are going to grow . . . but I 'm still growing ! " Posted by A man came home from work late , tired and irritated , to find his 5 years old son waiting for him at the door . Son : - " Daddy , May I ask you a question ? " Daddy : - " Yeah sure , what it is ? " Son : - " Dad , how much do u make an hour ? Daddy : - " That 's none of your business . Why you ask such a thing ? " that man said angrily Son : - " I just want to know . Please tell me , how much do you make an hour ? " Daddy : - " If you must know , I make Rs . 500 an hour . " " Oh , " the little boy replied , with his head down , looking up , he said , " Dad , may I please borrow Rs 300 ? The father was furious , " If the only reason u asked that is so u can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense , then march yourself to your room and go to bed , Think why u are being so selfish . I work hard everyday for such this childish behaviour . " The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door . The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy 's questions . How dare he ask such questions only to get some money ? After about an hour or so , the man had calmed down , and started to think " May be there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs . 300 and he really didn 't ask for money very often ! " The man went to the door of little boy 's room and opened the door . " Are u asleep , son ? " He asked . No daddy , I 'm awake , " replied the boy . I 've been thinking , may be I was too hard on you earlier , " said the man , it 's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you . Here 's the Rs . 300 you asked for . " The little boy sat straight up , smiling . " Oh thank you dad ! " He yelled . Then , reaching under his pillow he pulled some crumpled up bills . The man seeing that the boy already had money , started to get angry again . The little boy slowly counted out his money , then looked up at his father . " Why do you want money if you already have some ? " the father grumbled . " Because I didn 't have enough , but now I do , " the little boy replied . " Daddy , I have Rs . 500 now . Can I buy an hour of your time ? Please come home early tomorrow . I would like THE MORAL OF THIS STORY : - It 's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life . We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us , those close to our hearts . If we die tomorrow , the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days . But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives . And come to think of it , we pour ourselves more into work than to our family . An unwise investment indeed ! ! ! Posted by A rat looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package . What food might it contain ? He was aghast to discover that it was a rattrap . Retreating to the farmyard the rat proclaimed the warning ; " There is a rat trap in the house , a rat trap in the house ! " The chicken clucked and scratched , raised her head and said , " Excuse me , Mr . Rat , I can tell this is a grave concern to you , but it is of no consequence to me . I cannot be bothered by it . " The rat turned to the goat and told him , " There is a rat trap in the house " . " A rat trap in the house ? I am so very sorry Mr . Rat " ; sympathized the goat , " but there is nothing I can do about it but pray . Be assured that you are in my prayers . " The rat turned to the cow . She said , " Like wow , Mr . Rat , a rat trap . I am in grave danger . Duh ! " So the rat returned to the house , head down and dejected , to face the farmer 's rattrap alone . That very night a sound was heard throughout the house , like the sound of a rattrap catching its prey . The farmer 's wife rushed to see what was caught . In the darkness , she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught . The snake bit the farmer 's wife . The farmer rushed her to the hospital . She returned home with a fever . Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup , so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup 's main ingredient . His wife 's sickness continued so that friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock . To feed them the farmer butchered the goat . The farmer 's wife did not get well . She died , and so many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat . So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you , remember that when there is a rattrap in the house , the whole farmyard is at risk . Posted by There once was a little boy who had a bad temper . His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper , he must hammer a nail into the fence . The first day the boy had to drive 15 nails into the fence . Over the next few weeks , as he learned to control his anger the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down . He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence . Finally the day came when the boy didn 't lose his temper at all . He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper . The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone . The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence . He said , " You have done well , my son , but look at the holes in the fence . The fence will never be the same . When you say things in anger , they leave a scar just like this one . You can put a knife in a man and draw it out . It won 't matter how many times you say I 'm sorry , the wound is still there . " A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one . Friends are very rare jewels , indeed . They make you smile and encourage you to succeed . They lend an ear , they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us . I am limited creature , restricted by time and space . I do not like talking about myself - it always seems so egotistical so I will spare you boring details . However , I may indicate that thinking is my hobby . . . I 'm allowed to be bad at it . I am at all not gifted to be able to penetrate the secrets of the heart , but never judge people by their outward actions , habits , looks , lifestyles , etc . , all based on external examination and my own subjective , and therefore faulty experiences .

I have heard that deaths come in threes . If that is so , then this day has had all three and we should be over them for awhile . Joe called me at work this afternoon and told me that his Aunt Julie had died . He was really close to her . I 've never met her , though . His step - mom had called to tell him and said I should postpone my heart catheterization and give her a ride to the funeral on Saturday . She doesn 't want to take a bus or a cab . Deaths bring out the best in people , don 't they ? Obviously I am not postponing things and Joe is going to find someone else to take him there . As for my step - mom - in - law , she will have to find her own way there . When Joe went on facebook tonight he found that one of his former neighbors had died . He said that he really liked this guy and wanted to go to this funeral as well . We don 't yet know when it is , so we will have to see how I am doing . And the third death was Dr . C . Everett Koop . I have met him several times . I used to work at the church he attended . I am very good friends with his wife , Cora . In fact Joe and I attended their wedding in 2010 . I had heard from Cora a couple of days ago that he was very sick and not expected to live . She was very sad . But I was not to say anything . Now I can tell anyone . He was a wonderful man and will be sorely missed by everyone who knew him . So hopefully this is the end of the deaths for awhile . Imagine hearing of them all on the same day . Better news must be just around the corner . Posted by I 've had such a nice relaxing day today . Just what I needed after yesterday 's hard work . After church today we went out to lunch with our friends Bud and Karen . We ended up at our usual place - - the Country Club . Bud and Karen both got these huge cheeseburgers , Joe got a whitefish platter ( his favorite ) and I got fried chicken . They all finished theirs , but I brought half of my meal home . I just don 't have the room in my stomach that they have . We had such a good time . We always enjoy each other 's company . And we are making our plans to go away together in May . We did it last year and had such a good time that we decided to make it a yearly thing . Joe and Bud have birthdays within a week of each other so we do a double celebration . Today would be my great - grandmother 's 129th birthday . I was so fortunate to grow up with her in my life . She raised my sister and me after our parents broke up and was the major influence in my life . What a wonderful woman she was and I miss her terribly . So many times ( even recently ) I go to ask her something and then realize she isn 't here . But I know I will see her again someday . I haven 't mentioned it on here before , but on Friday I am going to have a heart catherization . My cardiologist is concerned because I have a lot of chest pain and pain in my arm and jaw . Even though every single test I take comes out normal , he wants to make sure there is nothing that is being missed . I think it is the arthritis in my shoulder and the cancer medication that is affecting my jaw . But I am still a little nervous about the outcome . Because I have herniated disks in my spine I am not able to lay on my back on a hard table for six hours . So the doctor is going to put the line in through my wrist . I have been very nervous about this . Who wants this kind of a procedure ? But I mentioned it to one of my friends in church this morning . She said , " Look at this , " and showed me her wrist . She had two of them through her wrist . The cut is less than 1 / 8 inch . I guess she must have had one stitch if that . She tKathy What a time we had today . When we got to work there was a guy waiting who works for Sysco , our computer system , to try to get the computers back online . Yes , after working on it all day yesterday , our IT guys still couldn 't get it to work . It appears that the high pitched screeching we heard was a fan that had broken . When the screeching stopped , the fan stopped . When the fan stopped , the router overheated and broke . It took the guy about 2 1 / 2 hours to fix it , but he finally did . We were so happy to have someone who knew what he was doing ! After the fix , we had to get all the backlog done . There are two computers on the front desk and one in the workroom . Diane , Marquita and I each grabbed a computer and started working away . Poor Tom was kept busy running back and forth with books and videos . We really gave him a workout ! At the end of the day we all agreed that we needed a nap before dinner . That is exactly what I did . My arms , neck and back hurt terribly . I am sore and tired and I am sure the others are too . We all worked so very hard today and got everything except one thing done . That will just have to wait until Monday . So that is the news , folks . I am going to get ready for bed . Good night ! Posted by What a time we 've been having at the library . Last week we had a constant high pitched screech coming from the router . Try working with that all day , day after day . And the wifi has been out for over a week . So on Wednesday our IT guy came out to fix the thing . By this time it had resolved itself , but he thought it was a good idea to change things out . He said the computers would go down for 2 minutes tops . Well as of yesterday they have been out for 2 DAYS . People come in to use the computers and we have to tell them there aren 't any . We can 't check any books in , so we have been piling them on any shelf at the front desk that I can empty . We have about 3 or 4 hours of work to clear everything and put them back on the shelves . To check things out , we have to write down the card number and the book or disk number . We have about 6 hours worth of entering to do . We have three big totes ( so far ) of books being transferred to our branch for holds . Another 3 hours of work . Then there 's new cards to be entered and mailed out . I don 't want to even think about how busy we are going to be ! We are closed today and because it is my Saturday to work , I have today off . The computer people are supposed to be in there today fixing the problem . We can only hope . Every day that goes by makes more work for us and more disgruntled customers . Many people who come in think that this is the reason we have no computers : But that is not the case ! Yesterday I took Joe to the dentist at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital . He has to go to a hospital because of his epilepsy . He has two teeth that need to be extracted and it is too dangerous in a regular dentist 's office because the lights can cause him to have a seizure . He will be having his teeth extracted on the 21st of March . It was fun being down center city Philly . I really am a city girl . I love the traffic , the people walking , the tall buildings , the noise , bustle , etc . I know that sounds strange to some people , but to me it 's invigorating . While we were waiting in the lobby of the hospKathy This was the end of my three day weekend . It was so nice to just be lazy and chill . Especially since I have not been feeling well lately . But today I felt more like myself and got some things done . It was a beautiful sunny day , but very cold . Joe got up this morning and not only did a load of dishes for me , but made me his famous scrambled eggs for breakfast . So good ! We did a bit of running around this afternoon . First we went to Wendy 's for lunch . Joe has been wanting chili , so this was his chance to get it . I still had money on my gift card , so we got our lunch for free ! Next we went to Walmart to return a couple of things . While I was there I saw this cute top on a clearance rack . I loved it and bought it . It will be great for the summer or when we go down the shore in May . You can 't tell from the picture , but it 's all sparkly . When we got home Joe went to take a nap and I watched the movie " Pretty in Pink " . I must be the only person who has never seen this . It was pretty good , but much different than what I expected . Glad I finally got to see it . There was a beautiful sunset today . Yes , I actually got a picture of both the sunrise and sunset . I made pork chops , green beans and biscuits for dinner . It turned out good and I am so full . But now it is time to go to bed and get ready for a long day tomorrow . Good night , folks . Posted by I decided to have another lazy Saturday . I do have to get some things done , but I 'm doing them slowly and resting a lot . One thing I did was go to the hair salon this morning . I really love the girl who does my hair , Jamie . She is so cute , so friendly and does such a fantastic job cutting and styling it . She always makes me feel so pampered . I had such a hard time getting there . It 's only 5 blocks from my house and I started out to get there . But they are digging up all the streets in my neighborhood . Two of the streets I needed to use were completely blocked off . I tried to find parking on one of the side streets , but they were all full . So I ended up going back home and calling them to say I couldn 't make it because I couldn 't get there . The girl that answered said that she came in by driving in the opposite direction from where I lived . That part of the street was open . So I ended up taking the avenue , going up about a mile and then back tracking and parking in the lot of the Rite Aid across the street . Don 't make it easy for me , Philadelphia Streets Department ! But they held my appointment for me , I got my hair done and it 's really cute . It sort of reminds me of how the streets all around where I work are torn up too . I can 't win . The other day I was meeting my former supervisor for lunch and I took some pictures of the street in front of the library to show her . I thought I 'd show you too . Consider this your " Friday View " on a Saturday . We are closed on Fridays and it 's a good thing because they turned off the water to all the houses and businesses yesterday . Sort of glad I was working at the Fishtown Branch instead . We would have had to be closed down anyway . Can 't have people working in a place with no water / bathrooms . Well , back to my cleaning / shopping / baking . Until later . . . Happy Valentine 's Day ! Hope you all had a wonderful Valentine 's Day . Yesterday morning before I went to work Joe gave me this cute little pink bag . Inside were two cards - - one from him and one from Jenny . Along with that were some Peeps . . . . . . and a pair of earrings that match the necklace he gave me for Christmas . Every year Joe gets me one single red rose . I 've told the story here before , but for my new readers I 'll quickly say why . When we first got together Joe was not working . He had not yet gotten his Social Security Disability so he had no income at all . I was giving him $ 10 or $ 20 a week just so he had some money in his pocket . You know that didn 't go very far . So for our first Valentine 's Day together all he could afford was a single red rose from 7 - 11 that cost about $ 5 . That rose meant more to me than anything else he 's ever given to me . So each year he gives me one red rose . This year he had the rose sent to work . When the UPS guy came in , I was at the front desk . He said , " This one 's for you . " Since I sign for the packages almost every day all the UPS guys know my name . I couldn 't imagine what this huge package was . I got Bob to take over the desk for a couple of minutes while I went into the back with it . Here was a vase and a four foot high rose . Yes , you read that right . Four feet ! When I got off of the desk I had Diane take a picture of it for me just so everyone could see . I am just a little over five feet tall , so you can tell how big it is . I had to throw out the shipping box because it would not fit in my car . In fact I had trouble fitting the inner box in my car to bring it home . Usually I would leave it at work , but I am working at Fishtown on Friday and have a three day weekend . I want to enjoy it . I put the vase and the rose by the stairway when I got home . It is taller than the bannister ! And you can see the cards on the bannister . Here 's the ones Joe and I gave to each other . My gift to Joe was a steak dinner which I made when I got home from work . It was very good although I could have cookeKathy Joe is doing so much better . I keep saying to him , " My Joe is back . " His sugar is still low , but he is eating regularly and keeping it up . He is enjoying eating the sugary treats he loves but hasn 't been able to in several years . I 'm thinking because he recently lost 65 pounds that maybe his medicine doesn 't need to be taken in the same dosage as in the past . Or maybe he can just control his diabetes by diet as he did in the past . In any case he is getting an appointment with his doctor to get this checked out . I made strawberry cupcakes for Bible study this morning . They turned out so good . The cake is nice and light and I topped the white icing with red sugar . Everyone liked them . I 'm not a cake decorator so they certainly looked homemade , but the taste more than made up for the looks . I took the left overs to work and they went quickly . Our treat table at Bible Study Joe even felt well enough to attend and help teach . I did the majority of the teaching this week because he wasn 't up to it , but he contributed a great deal . And he 's looking and feeling so much better . Pastor Justin was really surprised to see him . Joe in the " teacher 's chair " looking good . Can you believe how well he looks ? I am totally amazed . God is so good . At the end of the study Pastor Justin came in to say hello to everyone . I asked him to take a picture of us since I had my camera with me . It 's a shame that three people were missing today , but here we are . Dottie , Charlie , me and Joe I am making copies of the picture for everyone for next week . I still might get another one with all of us before Charlie moves to Kansas the first of April . Posted by Thank you , everyone , for all your concern and prayers . They mean so much to both of us . Joe is doing better today . This morning we took Joe 's blood sugar level . Yeah , I know we are supposed to do this every day , but haven 't in a week or so . Here his blood sugar was very low . He is really good on his diabetic diet and taking his medication . But this was too low . I gave him some orange juice and a bowl of cereal to up his carbs . Fifteen minutes after he ate we took his blood sugar level again and it had gone up 70 points . Still low , but better . It never occurred to me until this morning that low blood sugar could cause some of the problems that he 's been having . After I got him back to bed , he asked me to call his movement disorder doctor who had doubled one of his medications about three weeks ago . He wasn 't there so I left a message on his answering machine . Around 11 : 30 Joe called me and said he wasn 't feeling any better and would go to the Emergency Room . So I got him up , got his clothes changed , shaved him and he brushed his teeth . I got him downstairs and we were putting on our coats when the doctor called back . He talked with Joe about 15 minutes , asking him all kinds of questions . He seems to think that the two medications that were increased were too much . So Joe is now back to his previous levels and is already doing better . He is not shaking as much and his mind is much clearer . While he was up I made him eat a couple of tuna sandwiches for lunch to keep his carbs up . This has been one of the hardest weekends of my life . Worse even than when I have been sick . I truly appreciate so much all the support I 've been given . Joe has asked me to go get him an Italian hoagie for dinner , so I am heading out to do that . He said that last night when he fell he tripped over his pant leg because his pj 's were a little too long for him . I thought he might have had a seizure ( he has epilepsy ) but he said no , he felt himself falling and tried to save himself . So that is what 's going on here . If it really is his medication andPosted by Happy New Year ! This is the year of the snake . I 'm a snake on the Chinese Zodiac . According to the Chinese Zodiac , the people born the year of the snake are smart and can be unscrupulous . Is that me ? Well , maybe the smart part . Ha , ha . Lucky colors are yellow and red . I like the way yellow and red look together . We celebrated by having Chinese take out from the restaurant down the block from us . We had " lucky " food : dumplings for prosperity andlong noodle lo mein for long life . The noodles were not all that long in the lo mein so does that mean short life ? Everything was good . Here is a picture of the parade from Philly 's Chinatown . It 's always a big event . Joe has not been doing well . Yesterday he slept all day , didn 't even eat . He was having a hard time waking up . When he got up for dinner he had a hard time keeping his eyes open . He finished eating and said he had to go back to bed . He started upstairs holding a bottle of water and couldn 't lift his foot high enough to get up the stairs . I had to take the bottle from him and walk behind him holding on to him and lifting his feet for him to get up the stairs . When he got to the bedroom door , he started to lean forward . I grabbed him and told him he wasn 't to the bed yet but he kept insisting he was because he could see it and ended up falling on the floor . I couldn 't pick him up so he had to get himself into bed . I was never so happy to get him laid down , take off his glasses and cover him up . Today we didn 't go to church because he could not wake up and get up . I wasn 't feeling all that good myself , so I just laid around today too . He got up to eat dinner again , but that was the first time he was up all day . It ended up with him laying on the sofa sleeping because he couldn 't wake up . I got him up enough to eat ( although he didn 't eat much ) and then he went back to bed again . He did watch about half of Downton Abbey on TV but then turned over to go to sleep . I asked him if he would be OK tomorrow if I went to work and he started talking nonsense . I kept saying IKathy And don 't we all need one now and then . I couldn 't sleep last night . I get those kinds of nights every now and then . I stayed downstairs so I wouldn 't wake Joe up and watched TV until I finally got tired around 4 a . m . I then woke up at 6 a . m . and stayed up until around 9 : 30 a . m . when I fell asleep again and slept all day . Yes , you read that right - - ALL DAY . I woke up around 3 : 00 p . m . and feel like I could go back to sleep now , but it 's almost 7 : 00 p . m . and I have to make dinner . At least I 'm having an easy dinner tonight . I have some ground turkey and just didn 't feel like having turkey burgers again . So I am making my version of Sloppy Joes . I brown the meat , season it with salt , pepper , garlic powder , dried onions and Italian herbs . Then I pour a can of tomato soup over it , heat it all up and serve it on top of toast . I haven 't made it in a long time but I remember it being really good . We were so fortunate with the blizzard that passed through the northeastern U . S . last night . We got about an inch of snow and it was so warm today that I didn 't even have to clean off the car - - it all melted . What a relief that we were on the southern edge of the storm . But my sisters and brother did not make out so well . I am very concerned for them . I am going to have to call them to make sure they are OK . They have all been on facebook today so I am assuming that all is well with them . I have been reading so many new blogs and have begun following a few new ones . It 's always fun to meet new people and read new blogs . I 'm also going back and reading through some blogs from the beginning which is fun also . It 's interesting to see kids growing up quickly and getting to know the backgrounds to some of the stories . Well , time to make dinner , so I 'm off for tonight . I 'll be back tomorrow with my Chinese New Year post . Until then . . . Posted by Look at what I woke up to on Wednesday . Yesterday it was clear and now today we are expecting a blizzard . At least we are on the southern edge and will get more rain than snow , but my sister in northern New Jersey and my sister and brother in Maine are going to get hit badly . 24 + inches . We had to have a new electric meter put in yesterday . The city is changing all of the meters to digital that can be fixed remotely . Our basement is just that - - a basement . Full of junk . Don 't know what to do with it ? Just throw it down the basement for now . So Joe and I have spent three days cleaning up the area where the meters are so the guy would have enough room to work . I was lifting a lot of heavy stuff and pulled my back . We got rid of so much stuff though . Our pile of trash for pickup today is huge . So yesterday at work my lower abdomen started hurting . It felt like muscle spasms . I have had trouble with my liver and gall bladder before and so that is where my mind went . I went online to look up my symptoms and got all kinds of things . You know I always think the worst . I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday because I 've had this pain off and on for a couple of weeks , but this was much worse and I called Joe from work and told him I wanted to go to the ER when I got home from work at 8 : 30 p . m . But when I got home I laid down for a little bit while Joe made dinner . I started feeling better and this morning the pain is gone . I am still keeping the hospital as an option , but hopefully I can just see the doctor on Monday . I think it may be my back causing the problems ( I have spurs and bulging disks ) and it really is muscle spasms and not something more serious . Joe went to the store while I was laying down . When he came back he had these for me . Aren 't they beautiful ? He said it was a " just because " gift . He is such a sweet husband . Well off to get ready for work . If I feel bad today , I am definitely leaving early and getting some medical help . But hopefully it 's all done with for the weekend at least . Until later . . . . PoKathy There 's nothing going on here lately , just normal every day stuff . So I thought I would do another one of my continuing series on famous people Joe has met . He has met more famous people than anyone I know . I will tell you about his meeting with the famous chef Jacques Pepin . Many years ago Joe was taking a trip where he was driving on the Pennsylvania Turnpike . At the time Howard Johnson 's had the contract for restaurant stops along the turnpike . Being hungry and knowing he could get a good meal , he stopped at one of them . He was waited on right away , but his food took a little while to come out . The waiter who took his order did not bring out his food , but another man did . He placed the food on the table and said in a strong French accent , " Let me know if anything is good with your dinner or if there is anything you don 't like . " After Joe ate , the man with the French accent returned and asked him how his dining experience was and how the food was . Joe replied that both the food and service were excellent and anytime he was hungry and a Howard Johnson 's was around he would eat there because he knew he would get a good product . Joe introduced himself and asked him , " How is it that a Frenchman would work for Howard Johnson 's ? " The man answered , " My name is Jacques Pepin and I am in charge of creating menus and training cooks throughout the Howard Johnson 's chain . " Not many people know that this was one of Jacques Pepin 's first jobs after he came to America . He held this position for several years before setting out on his own and becoming a famous chef . Joe had no way of knowing who Jacques Pepin was or that he would go so far in his career . But that 's Joe . He always seems to meet the " rich and famous . " If you haven 't read them , please go back and read about how he met Frank Perdue and Olivia Newton - John . More stories coming later . Yes , there 's even more famous people Joe has met . Posted by Hooray ! Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow ! An early spring is on its way . Of course no one believes this , but it 's a fun day anyway . I sort of feel sorry for Phil . Poor little thing , sleeping so nicely and then pulled out of his burrow , held up in the light and have lots of people taking pictures of him . It was an OK day at work . It was steady , One of my customers today had the exact same thing I did - - upper respiratory virus - - and it started on the same day mine did . How about that ? I am getting better every day . Had only two coughing fits at work and two at home . I 'm sleeping much better . And my appetite is back - - I 'm eating everything in sight . That is not good , so starting tomorrow I am going back to eating healthy . It 's 3 a . m . and I am going to go back to sleep . Church and Elder 's Meeting later today . It 's going to be a long day . I 'm still not feeling my best , but finally I am getting better . It 's been such a long haul . I hope this is the end for a long time . I fell asleep on the sofa last night and Joe just let me sleep there all night . I really appreciated that because I slept straight through for about eight hours , never woke up , never even moved . And this morning I felt so much better . I haven 't slept through a night without waking up coughing and choking in over two weeks . So nice to get a good sleep . We had a good day at work yesterday . We had two clowns from the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus come to perform for us . They were so funny . Of course I got some pictures of them . They got a lot of the kids involved . That was fun . There were over a hundred people that showed up for the program . It was so crowded that I wasn 't able to get very close to them . A lot of the pictures I took turned out blurry because I had the zoom on but these are the best . Of course I always try to get a shot of Marquita . When she becomes a famous model ( instead of just the small modeling jobs she does now ) I will have original shots of her . Ha , ha . Truly she is very talented and I expect her to go far . In this picture she said she was looking for her " light " . Ha , ha . I am working tomorrow so I have off from work today . I 'm glad because going back to work I worked two days , have off a day , work one day , and have another day off . It is easier than going back for five days straight . And if I keep feeling so much better , next week I will be back to myself for those five days . I 'm going to run and be getting my day up and going . Don 't forget to see my poem for this month below . Until later . . . Posted by Hi , I 'm Kathy and I live in historic Philadelphia , PA . I 've been married for 10 years to Joe , my best friend . Being the oldest of 10 children I have lots of family and absolutely love it . I retired in January 2016 so I am finding my way through being a stay - at - home wife after spending 20 years working for a public library system . Come along with me as I explore my new role as a homemaker . It is never dull in my world .

Posted on May 31 , 2017 by nithyaraghunath That afternoon , there was a mysterious fire in the eucalyptus grove and the entire grove was burnt to the ground . People didn 't know if they ought to feel happy or even more frightened . Was that a good omen or bad , the hut people wondered . A few months later the MLA 's son claimed the land and built a club there for the people of the township . There were no more " happenings " . People soon forgot about the haunting and lived like nothing ever happened . Mishti inherited her grandfather 's property when she was eighteen . By then the township had grown to a very big industrial hub . She would do her MBA and put her education to good use in the newly developed industrial town . Mayur did not marry again . He loved Ria far too much for that . It took him quite sometime to overcome her sudden demise . Half of him wanted to believe Sanjay had something to do with it but the other half of him was stubborn in not wanting to believe paranormal involvement . … . . Until one day the wind brought with it a withered eucalyptus leaf amidst the dust and debris . As he tried to pull the window shut , he felt a cold hand on his , a cold breath on his neck and a whisper in his ear , " Mayur …… " Posted in Uncategorized2 Comments The Eucalyptus Grove Ch - 25 Posted on May 30 , 2017 by nithyaraghunath The house wore a depressed look . Mishti was sick the whole evening . She threw up a few times and by evening she was even running quite a temperature . Ria wanted to take her to the doctor , but she decided she 'll put her on her medicines for the time being and if her condition didn 't improve by the next morning she 'd take her to the hospital and get a complete checkup done . She in fact was in no mood to do anything . She was traumatized and scared . Her stomach was in knots and she could barely eat anything . She felt very restless the whole day . She kept walking around the house aimlessly . All she could think of was getting back to Mysore where life would be limp back to normality again . Mayur set about clearing the house of unwanted things and chanced upon an old Whisky bottle in his father in law 's cabinet . Tired and sullen as he too was , he washed it down his stomach with dinner . He was pretty tipsy by the time he got to bed . Ria was woken up by Mishti that night . She sat up and looked at the clock . It was half past two . " What is it baby ? " , she asked . She felt her forehead and it was very warm . Ria hugged her daughter . " No , they are not alone , they are with God and they don 't miss you " , she said . " Ma , I want some water " , she said bursting into a fit of cough . She woke Mayur up . " Keep an eye on her , I 'll get some water " , she said . But he rolled back into his slumber . She went into the kitchen and jumped . Sanjay was standing there his face lit by the moonlight . " Why are you doing this to me ? " , she asked . " Mishti 's Nana and Nani miss her " , he said with a sarcastic smile . " Sanjay don 't touch my family " , she said sternly . She heard Mishti cough again . She ran to the room . Mayur was fast asleep . She gave Mishti some water . " Yes baby ? " , she said stroking her head . " I … can 't b . . reathe " , she said her eyes rolling up . She held her close and shouted out to Mayur . But he didn 't seem to hear a word . Mishti 's body was burning with fever . " MAYUR " , she screamed shaking him . But Mayur slept so soundly . She wondered if someone could actually sleep like that She could hear a hysteric laughter . She looked around but could see no one . She shook Mayur again but he was out cold . She remembered that Mayur was quite drunk when he went to bed that night . She cried helplessly . She called the ambulance but there was no response . She saw two eyes peering at her . " Come " , he said holding out his hand to Mishti this time . She looked at her daughter helplessly . Her face had gone pale and her eyes were rolled up . Mayur seemed oblivious to his wife and daughter 's condition . She hugged Mishti and cried and begged for mercy . Sanjay kept holding out his hand . Ria close her eyes , took a deep breath and fell on the bed , her hand wrapped around Mishti 's palm . Dawn was breaking . Ria walked to the eucalyptus grove . She reached the fence . Sanjay was standing there facing the other way . Her heart felt light . She felt a sense of calm and peace within her that she had not felt in a very long while . She was happy to see him . She walked up to him . He turned when he heard her come and held his hand out and smiled at her . " Ria , Come " , he said . She went over and held his outstretched hand . She looked behind for one last time , she felt guilty but she knew she had done the right thing . He gently tugged her hand . They walked hand in hand along the old familiar path strewn with the dried eucalyptus leaves . They walked towards the pond and slowly disappeared into thin air . Mayur was woken up the next morning by Mishti . " Papa , Mittu hungie " , said Mishti . Mayur kissed his daughter 's tummy fondly . He looked at Ria who was still asleep . " Mamma is sleeping , so come we 'll make breakfast for her and surprise her " , he whispered to Mishti . He tip toed out of the room and made breakfast for the three of them . Mishti 's appetite seemed to have improved enormously . She ate well . Her fever had abated and she showed no signs of having been sick . Mayur then took a tray of breakfast and coffee to the room and called to Ria . She didn 't open her eyes . He shook her and still she didn 't wake up . He was a little surprised since Ria was a light sleeper . He shook her again and bent down to kiss her when he realized he couldn 't feel her breath . Posted on May 29 , 2017 by nithyaraghunath " We 'll go back " , she said to Mayur . Her parents ' last rites were performed and Ria was even more disturbed than ever . She feared for her daughter and Mayur more than she mourned for her parents . She didn 't want to lose the only two people left in her life now . " Yeah , we 'll sell this house and go " , he said . " We 'll do the selling from there , let 's get out of here " , she pleaded . He looked at her and stroked her head . " Ria , we will get out of here , but we 'll get out of here for good , we 'll wind up everything and then leave " , he said in a firm voice . " You stay back here and wind up whatever you want , my daughter and I are leaving " , she said and got up to go to her room . She stopped outside the door . She saw Mishti standing by the window talking to someone . She went up behind her and saw someone leaving in a hurry . Ria stared stupified . No , Sanjay was not going to take her only child away now . She hugged Mishti . " Baby , promise me , you will never ever talk to anyone unless I say so " , she said . " Ok " , said Mishti . " Can I talk to daddy ? " , she asked naughtily . She patted her and nodded . She was very jumpy the whole day . She never let Mayur and Mishti out of her sight . Mayur was calling a few real estate agencies and trying to get a good price on the house . " Just sell it to anyone " , she said . " I don 't care even if we don 't sell it , let 's just lock this place up and leave " , she said her voice shaking . Mayur could sense his wife was on the verge of a nervous breakdown now and he didn 't want to take any more risks . He called the travel agent to book tickets . " We have no tickets till Tuesday " , he said covering the mouthpiece . Mayur nodded and got back to his travel agent . Ria cleaned up the house and packed all her things and Mishti 's things . She went into her parents ' bedroom and looked around . She sat on their bed and remembered the numerous nights she had sat there listening to stories that her parents told her . She saw the white board and remembered the lessons her father used to teach her during exams . She looked out of the window at the garden her mother had so tenderly nurtured . She ran her hand over everything they had touched when they were alive . Such love they had for each other . Her mother had passed away in the hospital . Mayur had called her father to inform him , when the call didn 't go through he had texted him and her father had died instantly of a heart attack . What an idiot Mayur was ! Such a delicate news and he dropped it like a a bomb on her father . She had never seen anyone love another person as much as her parents loved one another . She doubted if she loved Mayur to this extent . She looked at the computer through which her parents used to chat with her every day . She had such fond memories of this house and now she was going to leave all this behind forever . She sat there in the room crying . Mishti sat beside her looking at her helplessly . She had never seen her mother cry so much . Her mother , once rosy cheeked and bubbly had turned into a a pale dark circle eyed frail , weak woman who was always crying and irritable . She wanted her mommy back . She wiped Ria 's tears with her tiny fingers and kissed her over and over again . She didn 't know what was wrong and didn 't know what else to do to console her mother . Ria hugged Mishti and cried even more . Mayur walked in and saw her crying . He held her close , there was nothing else he could do to console her either . He knew it was best to let her cry as much as she wanted , she would recuperate faster that ways . Posted in UncategorizedLeave a comment The Eucalyptus Grove Ch - 23 Posted on May 28 , 2017May 28 , 2017 by nithyaraghunath Ria and her father went home a little after lunch so that Mishti could take a little rest . Mayur stayed back in the hospital . Ria had a quick shower and put Mishti to sleep . Her father also took a nap . She went to the kitchen and started making dinner . She and her father decided to stay in the hospital that night while Mayur and Mishti would be at home . She heard her father talking to someone over the phone . She strained her ears to make out what was he talking . But he only seemed to be saying " Yes , yes . " " Is everything alright ? " , he asked . She nodded , but she knew nothing was alright . She was shaking all over . Her father looked at her feeling very sad for his daughter . " Ria , if something is bothering you , please tell me " , he pleaded . He could sense his daughter 's state of mind just be looking at her face . " I am fine " , she said . " I know all about it , your mother told me last night . It 's hard to believe , but I can see what it is doing to you . We 'll find a way out of this , don 't worry . Let 's go see your mother for now and we 'll find a way out , maybe we 'll all leave this place and go elsewhere " , he said . She felt comforted . Ria went in to get Mishti ready . She could already hear the thunder . She saw streaks of lightning light up the sky as well . It suddenly became very dark . She debated if she ought to take Mishti in this weather . But she couldn 't even leave her here . She missed Naisha very much , had she been here , she could have left Mishti with her . She rummaged through Mishti 's suitcase and cursed herself for not getting her jackets . She wrapped her in her jacket . It engulfed her but it didn 't matter as long as she was well covered . " I am a monster " she growled and charged towards Ria . She laughed for the first time in days . " Mom , you are supposed to be scared " , she said pouting . " I love this little monster , why would I be scared ? " , she asked kissing her in her tummy as she squealed with laughter . " As a matter of fact , she already is . She is asking for Mittu " , said Ria combing her hair and tying it with a Dora rubber band . She put a little hairband to keep the hair from falling into Mishti 's eyes . It was time Mishti had a haircut , Ria thought . " I want to see Nani " , she said . " Yes we are going to the hospital now to see Nani " , she said . She lifted her and went out . The car was nowhere to be seen outside . She went into the garage , her father was sitting in the car , motionless . The cell phone in his hand was lit up . There was still no response . The car door was locked . Her father was staring at the road in front of him , his eyes cold . She left Mishti by the car and ran in to get the spare keys . She came out to see Mishti talking to someone . She ran out but by then the man Mishti was talking to left . " Who was that ? " , she asked her " I don 't know . He said Nana and Nani have gone to a happy place and he asked if I 'd like to join them . I said Nana is in the car , he laughed and walked away when he heard you come . " Ria felt a chill run through her spine . She opened the door and her father 's motionless body fell over her . The cellphone in his hand had a text message from Mayur , " Ma no more . " " What ? Is this you ? Who are you ? " , she asked . She didn 't know what to believe now , was this her husband or was it Sanjay again . She felt thoroughly muddled . Wasn 't she talking to Sanjay a few moments ago . Was Mayur possessed too ? " Tut . Come on Ria you of all the people never believed in ghosts . Please don 't go around telling people they 'll call you mad . " Ria tossed and turned unable to sleep . She kept looking at Mayur expecting him to turn into Sanjay any minute . But he didn 't . The next morning Ria was grumpy due to lack of sleep . She kept getting irritated with Mishti 's pranks or if her parents or Mayur said something to her . She kept grumbling at every little thing . She jumped at every little noise and kept looking at people in a very curious way expecting each of them to turn into Sanjay any instant . She had grown very weak . She had dark circles around her eyes from lack of sleep and her palms were often sweaty and they kept shivering . She even shouted at the milkman and the newspaper guy for ringing their cycle bells . Ria 's mother was wondering what had gotten into her . She fought with Mayur a couple of times over something silly . She even hit Mishti once for pestering her . " Go for a walk and come if you want " , her mother suggested . Ria decided that was the best thing to do , get away from everyone for a while . She went straight to the eucalyptus grove and sat there by the pond and started crying again . She felt a hand on her head . She turned and there was no one . " Go away " , she cried . " Just leave me alone . Go away " , she shouted . She was going to be a nervous wreck if this continues she thought . " I don 't want to Sanjay . Did your death knock the brains out of your head ? I am telling you I don 't want to come with you . I am not in love with you anymore understand ? " , she said . " I am not lying you fool . I don 't want to die . Please Sanjay don 't do this to me . I am happy the way I am . Let me be " , she pleaded . Invisible hands held her and pulled her . " Let me go " , she screamed . " Come with me " , he whispered into her ear . " I have a child . Think of her at least Sanjay . I can 't leave her " , she said . " Why Ria , why ? Have you forgotten all those wonderful years we spent together ? What is Mayur giving you that I haven 't ? Surely you do not love him more than you love me . " " I don 't . I love Mayur , I love Mishti , I love my parents . And I do not want to leave them " , she said trying to wrench her hands free . She felt a push and she fell down . She got on her feet and ran out of the grove . She knew running out of the grove was not the solution . She had to escape from Sanjay for good . She went home and called her mother aside . " Ma , let 's go to that temple you were telling me about " , she said . " Ok beta , go freshen up and we 'll go immediately after breakfast " , said her mother . Ria went to freshen up and she heard a loud scream from her mother 's room . She ran into the room to find her mother lying unconscious . " Don 't touch her " , Mayur said . An hour later she was sitting outside the ICU where her mother was admitted . The doctor told her that her mother had gone into coma . Ria thought of her encounter with Sanjay that morning and shuddered when she thought if Sanjay had something to do with this . " No , I 'd rather be here " , she said . She felt safer here in the hospital . She sat on a chair outside the ICU . Mayur sat beside her and held her hand . " Ria , I know you are going through a lot lately . You can never handle stress as it is , but I suggest you try Ria , look at what you are putting yourself through . Look at yourself , I can barely recognise you anymore with those huge dark circles around your eyes and you 've become so short tempered and jumpy and you are even talking in your sleep . " " You keep talking about him , to him rather in your sleep . That is the only name you call out every night . Is there something I ought to know ? " " Were you two lovers ? Look there is nothing to be ashamed of . All of us have a past . As long as that past doesn 't interfere with our present or future I am not bothered . But it seems to be interfering a lot Ria . It 's troubling me knowing that you are holding something back from me , especially when it is disturbing you so much . You can tell me Ria , I can help you out of it you know . " " So you think a ghost is trying to spoil our lives ? ? " , he asked . She nodded . " Ria , you know there are no such things as ghosts right ? " " Thanks for helping me out " , she mocked . " Hey , no , you are misunderstanding me . " " Forget it , I knew you 'd never understand , nor will my father . " " Ria , that is not what I meant . I meant , maybe you are having a nervous breakdown , you are so mentally disturbed so . . " " Might as well call me mad Mayur " , she said and walked away from him while he sat and looked at her helplessly . He knew for sure it was the pressure , first Mishti , then Sanjay 's death , then Adila 's mother , and now her mother , it indeed was a lot for a person to take . But he didn 't want to argue with her at this point of time . Her father was sitting a little distance away from them with Mishti sleeping on his lap . Ria went and sat beside her father and placed her head on his shoulder . He stroked her head . " She will be fine " , he said . He looked withered with age . Posted on May 26 , 2017May 26 , 2017 by nithyaraghunath Adila 's mother 's last rites were performed . Her husband had come . Towards lunch Adila and her daughter left along with her husband . Ria hugged her best friend and the two of them cried a lot . Ria didn 't know how long would it be before she saw Adila again . She made Adila promise that she 'd stay in touch regularly . Mayur came in the evening . Ria 's father had gone to pick him up from the airport and had briefed him about Adila and her mother on the way . They went straight to the hospital where Mishti looked a lot better already . She hugged her father and begged him to take her back to grandpa 's home . The doctor said she was a lot better and that she could be discharged but her diet had to be strictly monitored . Ria 's mother made some bland soup and fed Mishti and put her to bed . The rest of the family had dinner and they all retired to bed early . They had had a really long day . Ria went in to take a shower . She turned the shower on and stood under it . The hot water felt good . She closed her eyes and she felt someone hug her . She turned and it was Mayur . " Hey I thought the door was locked " , she said . She laughed and kissed him back . They made love in the shower and then she wrapped a towel around her and opened the bathroom door and let out a gasp . Mayur was fast asleep in the bed . She turned to see who she was with her in the shower . The bathroom was filled with steam . But she could make out a silhouette vanishing laughing uncontrollably . Ria was shaking like an aspen leaf in the wind . She quietly got dressed and lay down beside her daughter . She was sweating profusely . She was too scared to lie there in the dark . She turned the light on . Mayur opened his eyes a little irritated . " What ? " , he whispered . Ria felt like crying again . She realized that she had been crying very easily of late . She didn 't feel like sleeping . She remembered that she had not checked her emails in a long time . She opened her laptop and checked her office email id first . There were a few updates from her team . Barring that there was nothing else . She then checked her personal mail . Her boss had mailed her enquiring about Mishti 's health . She closed the mails and played some games on her laptop . She felt less scared with the lights on . At about three am she felt a little sleepy and turned in . She heard the bicycle again in the distance but she chose to ignore it and was asleep in a few minutes . The next morning she sat on the porch sipping her coffee . She looked over at Adila 's house . She thought she saw Naisha in the garden smiling at her . She walked up to the common fence that the two houses shared and Naisha was gone . Then Ria remembered that Naisha was dead . She stepped back . This she was sure she had imagined . She looked at the big padlock on the front door and missed Adila a lot . How many afternoons and evenings she had spent in that garden playing with Adila and her kittens . She turned back with a sigh and sat on the door step sipping her coffee again . Mayur was usually a late riser . And here he was pampered to no end . Mishti was already up and had gone for a walk with her grandfather against her grandmother 's wishes . She saw the two of them some distance away examining flowers and butterflies . She smiled looking at how tiny Mishti seemed next to her six foot tall hefty grandfather . She looked up at the sun . She no longer felt scared . She thought to herself how powerful the sun was . Though she had turned the lights on last night , she was still scared . But when she knew that dawn was fast approaching she had no problem falling asleep . She decided to go for a walk by herself . She left the cup on the doorstep and walked out . She walked aimlessly . She went to the bakery that Adila 's father once owned . It was locked . She wondered if someone had taken over the bakery . The ice cream shop was no longer there . She took the little turn that led to Sanjay 's house and looked at it from a distance . His mother was still there on the porch . She looked a lot more frail than Ria remembered . His father 's old scooter was still standing there by the gate . A tall girl came out carrying a bag and waved to her parents and went out . Sanjay 's sister . She had grown so big already . Ria turned and walked on . She came to the hole in the wall . No one had bothered patching it up in all these years . She walked to the other side and went on to the lonely road . She walked on till she reached the grove . She crossed theShe was lost in her thoughts when she suddenly noticed another reflection in the pond . Another face peeping over her shoulder . Sanjay ! She turned sharp and there was no one . A strong wind blew and a piece of paper flew on her face . She was about to throw it thinking it was some rubbish left behind by someone when she recognized her handwriting on it . It was a poem she and Sanjay had written together . Most of it was hardly legible except for the last few lines Ria felt a chill going up her spine . She stood rooted to the ground . Then she felt it even more strongly now . A warm breath on her neck . And a voice in her ear " Ria . . . . Come " She was climbing over the fence when she heard the loud wail from inside the grove like someone was crying out in despair . She tripped and fell on her face right on top of a piece of rock that was jutting out of the ground . She got up and took to her heels . A little before she reached home , she stopped , waited for her breath to return to normal , cleaned her dress , brushed back her hair and walked back home slowly . Her daughter and her father were sitting on the porch and talking to each other . Mishti had grown very close to her grandpa in a very short while . The two of them were inseparable now . And her father was very patient with Mishti answering every little question of hers and listening to her nonstop babbling . " What 's happening ? " , she asked sitting beside them . Her father called out to her mother and asked her to get the first aid kit . Mayur had just woken up and he came and dressed her wound . She smiled at him and took Mishti inside leaving the two men out to enjoy the crisp morning weather . She was distracted the whole day . She spent most of her time in her room pretending to be reading . A little before lunch her mother came in to her room and closed the door behind her . " Don 't lie to me Ria . Here I try to safeguard you and I worry myself sick about you and you . . why did you go to the eucalyptus grove ? " Ria was silent . " Ria please don 't go there . You know what is going on no ? Please beta please don 't go there again . " Ria nodded . After her mother left the room Ria felt a little restless . She went to her old study table and sat there looking out of the window . Her things were as they were years ago . Nothing was disturbed . She opened the draw and found her pens , geometry case , some papers everything the way she had left it . She took out the papers and smiled . They were her poems that she had written when she was in school . After her tenth she had totally stopped writing poetry . She read each of them and remembered each day when she had written them . Even Adila 's poem was there amongst those papers . There were a few written by Sanjay to her . She ran her hand through his handwriting and held it close to her chest . She felt so very heavy from within . There was one amongst them all that she had loved the most . There was an envelope that was unopened , addressed to her . She opened it . It was another poem sent to her by Sanjay after they had parted . I didn 't know how to be in love Ria could take it no more . She cried the whole afternoon . Mayur came in once and tried to comfort her , he didn 't know why she was crying . He saw Adila 's poem lying on the desk and assumed Ria was missing her best friend . After lunch he forced her to go for a drive with him . He took her to the city and bought her an ice cream . With some effort he managed to calm her mind . " I know how you feel , but it wouldn 't look good Ria . Your parents would be hurt . You 've come here after so long . They are seeing Mishti for the first time since she was born . Don 't hurt them Ria . Besides I am here with you . " Ria nodded . She wished she could tell Mayur everything about Sanjay but she was not sure how would he take it . That night Ria went to bed a little early . Mishti wanted to sleep with her grandfather . Few minutes after Ria had gone to bed , Mayur came in too . She grew a little nervous after the previous night 's experience . He lay on top of her and kissed her nose . She tried wriggling away from under him . " You ok now ? " , he asked . She nodded . He kissed her on her lips and looked into her eyes and said , " I love you " . She smiled and said " I love you too " . She then proceeded to push him away . " What 's the matter ? " he asked . She didn 't respond . But the harder she tried to push him away , the more difficult it seemed to be . " Mayur , I … I am not in the mood " , she said . He proceeded to kiss her neck . She got a whiff of alcohol . Her feet turned cold . " Mayur , " she protested , now not even sure if it indeed was him . He had never forced himself on her before . She kept trying to push him away , but he only got heavier and stronger . She tried to scream . He glared at her angrily . She was too scared to do anything . " Sanjay ? " she whispered hoarsely . He smiled at her and kissed her again . He rolled over . She felt the heavy weight lift off her . She turned and lay down side ways too scared , too traumatized to open her eyes . She was scared to close them too . It was dark and she couldn 't see his face clearly but she could make out the contours of his face . She heard her room door open and she turned to see who it was and let out a gasp - it was Mayur . She turned to her bed and it was empty . Posted on May 25 , 2017 by nithyaraghunath That night Ria and her father decided to stay in the hospital with Mishti who was supposed to have an enema the next morning . Her mother had gone to be with Adila . Ria was dozing off on the guest bed while her father was sitting and listening to the late night news . She heard a loud laughter and woke up with a start . She looked about her sleepily . Her father was glued to the TV . She assumed that the laughter must have come from the TV . " Papa will you please reduce the volume a bit ? " , she asked . " Oh sorry sorry " , he said and reduced the volume to a minimum . " I wonder why they keep the TVs so high in hospital rooms . You have to literally sprain your neck trying to watch something . " Her phone rang . She was relieved to see that it was Mayur . She choked upon hearing his voice . " You ok ? " , he asked . " No Mayur . I want to see you . Please come back " , she cried . Her father snatched the phone from her . " Hello ? Mayur ? Papa here . Arre , nothing to worry beta . Mishti fell sick again and Ria got worked up . You know how sensitive she is and she gets worked up even if Mishtu sneezes . . ha ha ha . . no no nothing to worry . Yeah yeah I am here beside her of course . What 's that ? Oh ha ha ha no no , that is ok . Yeah . Yeah . Ok then . I 'll see you soon . You take care of yourself ok . Yeah , ok beta . Bye . " He stared at her . " Why must you do that ? " , he asked angrily . " Mayur is so far away , you cry on the phone and ask him to come , you have any idea what you would put him through ? He is not even in the country . Don 't do that . Always play it down . Haven 't I taught you anything ? " " Sorry " , she said sniffing . " Wipe those tears now . He is coming tomorrow " , said her father grinning . Ria 's eyes lit up . That was the best news she had heard since she had come there . She thanked god . " Well , for you . The way you were acting last night , I didn 't want to bring it up , but beta you seem to be very disturbed of late . Your behavior last night nearly tore my heart " , he said . Ria saw tears in her father 's eyes for the second time . The first time was when she was getting married . He had lied to her that they were tears of happiness but he was sad that his daughter was leaving him . He had remembered what he had heard years ago that once she is married she would no longer be his little girl . He had cried like a baby again that night . And now , he was very worried about his daughter . He didn 't want any harm coming to her . She just hugged him and they both sat that ways for a long time . She fell asleep in his arms and he sat all night watching over his daughter and his granddaughter . Posted on May 24 , 2017 by nithyaraghunath Ria woke up next morning in her bed . She had vague recollections of the previous night . Her bed was empty . She sat up and looked at the clock . It was half past eight . She brushed her teeth and went into the living room where her father and her daughter were watching TV and her father was reading the newspaper . Her mother looked up at her and smiled . " You ok ? " , she asked . " You tell me . You sounded like you were answering questions and asking questions and you kept saying you didn 't want to go . " Ria looked at her mother puzzled . " Ria do you want to talk to me about something ? " , her mother asked her . Ria burst into tears . Her mother hugged her . " Shush shush . Come lets go out to the porch and you can tell me everything " , said her mother taking her hand . Ria wiped her tears . She didn 't want her child to know she was crying . She was too inquisitive about everything . She was in that age where she asked questions about everything - even if Ria sneezed she 'd ask why . " Ma , back when I was with Sanjay I once remember he told me that if he died he 'd come back for me . I thought he was being a romantic fool back then . I never knew he was serious about it . I am scared ma " , said Ria breaking into tears again . Her mother hugged her . " Ok calm down " , said her mother though she was herself shaking from head to foot . " Listen , there is a temple a little distance away and the priest there is known to be an exorcist and a witch doctor and all that . Maybe we can go there and he 'll find a solution to it . " " Daddy would never allow that ma " , she said still crying . " We 'll find a way to go without your father don 't worry about that . I can tell him that I am taking you to … my friend 's house for a kitty party . He 'll never suspect a thing . We 'll leave soon after breakfast . " Ria nodded . " Wipe your tears , Adila 's watching " , her mother said . Ria looked up and Adila was indeed watching , and so was her mother . Adila gestured asking if she could come over . Ria nodded in approval . Both Adila and her mother came over . " Everything alright ? " , asked her mother . " She 's been … you know those happenings , she 's been affected by them " , whispered her mother . Adila 's mother clutched at a talisman on her neck . " Ya Allah ! " , she said . Adila sat down beside Ria and held her close . " You want to talk about it ? " , she asked . Ria repeated the entire story to them . Adila 's mother kept clutching at the talisman and repeating " Ya Allah ! " the entire time . Ria 's mother got more coffee for all of them . " What are you women folk talking about ? " , her father asked from inside . " There 's a kitty party in Mrs . Mehra 's house today . So we were planning for that " , her mother lied . " Oh not interested " , said her father turning back to the TV . " Listen will you take care of Mishti until we are back ? " , she asked . " I was going to tell you that myself , to leave her with me . Don 't contaminate that little brain of hers with your kitty parties and other lady stuff . " , he chuckled . Ria 's mother sighed with relief . She went out and told them that the plan had succeeded . Adila and her mother offered to come with them too so that they could be with Ria and so that her father didn 't suspect anything . They had their breakfast and Ria and her mother left along with Adila and her mother . They had barely left the township when Ria 's father called on her mobile saying Mishti had fainted and that she was to return immediately . They had to turn back and rush home . Mishti had indeed lost consciousness . Her father had summoned the doctor but the doctor could not find out what had happened . He asked Ria if Mishti had been unwell and she said that she had had a bout of food poisoning . He prescribed a scan immediately and asked them to admit Mishti to the hospital . " Aha ! " , said the doctor looking at the scan report . " I thought as much . She has ring worms " , he said . The nurse came in to set up the IV . " Too many people here . Please leave . Only the mother and one other person can stay " , she said in a heavy Malayalam accent . " I 'll be out if you need me " , her father said and left the room . Adila and her mother were waiting outside . Ria broke into tears again . " Ma I feel he is doing this on purpose " , she sobbed . She called Adila 's mother to a side and asked her if she could get a talisman or something to keep Ria safe for the time being . Naisha took off the talisman she was wearing and gave it to Ria 's mother and asked her to tie it around Ria 's neck . " I 'll go home now and get you all some lunch " , said Naisha . " Come on , no trouble at all . What are neighbors for ? " , she said and turned to go . Adila went in to say bye to Ria when she heard a scream . They ran out to find Naisha lying at the bottom of the stairs her neck twisted in an awkward position . She had slipped down the stairs and broken her neck . She died instantly . Adila was too shocked to even move . Ria 's mother immediately tried to tie the talisman around her neck . Adila fainted . Ria pushed her mother aside and ran towards Adila . The talisman fell out of the window and was lost . Posted in Uncategorized5 Comments The Eucalyptus Grove Ch - 18 Posted on May 23 , 2017 by nithyaraghunath That night Ria and her father sat out on the porch after dinner . Mishti had gone to sleep and her mother was putting all the left overs in the fridge and cleaning up the kitchen , something she insisted on doing herself all the time . She was never comfortable with anyone , even her daughter working in the kitchen when she was there . She made an excuse that Ria had come there for a break so she was not to work in the kitchen except perhaps make tea or coffee occasionally . But Ria too knew her mother too well and never forced herself into her mother 's space . She was like her mother too , fiercely protective of her space and privacy . " Mishti is very adorable " , said her father . " It feels like it was just yesterday when I held her for the first time in the hospital . She was so tiny and she grasped my thumb so hard . . ha ha ha … and today when she was so shy to come to me , I was worried for a moment that she 's never going to come and play with me . Very friendly kid . Very smart " , he said his eyes brimming with love for his grand - daughter . " Yeah , she is like her grandpa " , said Ria . Her father laughed , his now big belly shaking . " You bet she is . Smart kid . Very smart . " " Oh that . Well , sad story actually . The day you went to meet him , you know during your exams , I told you to . . you know , his father saw the two of you and went back home and beat up Sanjay black and blue after which he sent him away to stay with some relatives to finish the rest of his education . The boy returned after his studies to work in my office . He was not in my department , but yes I often ran into him but he acted like he never recognized me . He was always indulged in his work and never spoke to anyone . He kept to himself . Even ate his meals on his own . Never had any friends . He was a changed boy . Not the Sanjay I knew as a kid . Then one day I smelt alcohol in his breath when we went to the cafeteria for our tea break . I asked him if he drank but he just walked away pretending he didn 't hear me . That night , he probably got drunk again and was on that old road by the eucalyptus grove . Nobody knew how but he got run over by a train on those old tracks . No train ever runs on that track but that night … nobody knows how or why . The police tried investigating , and well you know people , they said they were running a test ride on the engine and wanted to use a track that didn 't obstruct normal rail traffic and all that . So the case was closed . I heard Adila 's father happened to see it . He saw the boy trying to cross the track and his bike stopped right in the middle . He had tried starting it and Adila 's father heard the train and tried warning him but it was too late . " Ria sat silent . She wanted to cry but she couldn 't cry in front of her father . She wanted to talk of something else before her tears fell out . " Dad why isn 't anyone doing anything about that grove or that road ? I mean , that road 's been there ever since I can remember , and someone had put a fence around that grove , so it must belong to someone right ? But I don 't remember seeing anyone be it on that road or that grove . Not a soul uses that road . " " Well , that grove belongs to one Mr . Narendra Gowda . He was the MLA here once upon a time . He had bought that piece of land long long ago and wanted to build his farmhouse there . That was why he even got that road built and got some laborers settled there for construction of that farmhouse . Then there was some dispute regarding that land , the laborers found petty jobs here in the township and didn 't want to move out of that place . Mr . Gowda passed away couple of years ago . His son claimed ownership to the land and tried putting it to good use , but then these people here , I don 't know what came into them , they started spreading rumors that the place was haunted and even the son said he … experienced things . These people , you know how they talk . Well , Annamma always used to tell us that the place was creepy and she wanted to move out of there but her husband never agreed to it . Now after Sanjay 's death , the stories are only getting more fuel added to them . " " Well , people say that they often hear someone shouting in the middle of the night or in the afternoons , they say they hear a bicycle on that road but there was usually no one in sight . Or whoever entered the grove felt like they were being followed or like someone tried pushing them and things like that . I don 't understand how that educated boy , the son of the MLA also believed in such things . Perhaps there is more to that piece of land , maybe he has some motive behind his intentions regarding the land , whatever his intentions are , and he started spreading the stories . And these simpletons would believe anything . " Ria sat there and nodded . She had had her own share of experiences to believe every word now . But she didn 't want her father to know it . He 'd think she was lying too , or imagining things . " So when is Mayur coming ? " , he asked . Ria sat there for a bit and then started getting a little scared and went in . She debated if she should sleep with her parents , but that would seem too cowardly . Besides there wasn 't enough place for both her and her daughter to sleep in their room . She closed the windows and turned on the night lamp and lay down to sleep . Her cell phone beeped . She hesitated for a bit before checking it . It was a text message and to her relief it was from Mayur saying he had reached Singapore and that he 'd call her the next day . She replied back with a smiley and a " Miss you " . There was a gust of cold breeze . She shuddered as she turned her phone off and hugged her daughter . For the very first time in her life she was scared to go to sleep . She kept looking about her and by the window and at the mirror . Any shadow or any shape made her jump . She kept turning the light on to check what the shadow or the shape was . " Is everything alright ? " , her mother called out . " The doctor suspected food poisoning " , she said . She had totally forgotten to tell her parents about her . " Oh , you should have told me earlier . Ok I 'll take extra care of her diet from tomorrow " said her mother stroking the little girl 's head . " She is such a sweet child " , she said as she watched Mishti turn and put her little hand under her plump cheek as a pillow , open her rosy little lips and take a deep breath . " She 's dreaming . See , her eyelids are moving . " " Do you want me to sleep in here with you ? " , asked her mother . " Oh I don 't want to cause you any inconvenience " , she said still unsure if she should say yes or no . What if her mother got possessed again at night . " Tut tut , look at you talking , being all formal with your own mother . I 'll sleep here with you " , she said . Ria nodded . " Ma leave the night lamp on " , she said . " Yeah alright . You sleep now . And wake me up if you need anything , I am a light sleeper but still you know . " " Ok ma " , she said . The moonlight was casting a weird light on both her mother 's and her daughter 's face making them look ghostly . She was scared to turn the other way as well . She was feeling so restless . She wished she were back in Mysore in the comfort of her own house . But then , things happened there as well . She closed her eyes but kept opening them from time to time to see if there was anything strange in her room . She fell asleep a little after midnight . She again dreamt of that road , she dreamt of the MLA and his son . She dreamt of Annamma saying something to the MLA 's son and he was nodding in agreement . They were walking together in the grove and Ria was there too . But they couldn 't see her . They were whispering something . Then there was the sound of a bicycle . Someone rang the bicycle bell . Ria was standing on the road waiting for someone . Annamma was staring at her with suspicion . Then someone comes fast and almost hits her . She tries to regain her balance when someone holds her hand and says " Ria " . Ria woke up with a start . She looked around her room . There was nothing different . Her mother and her daughter were fast asleep . The window was open . She distinctly remembered having closed it . There was a cold breeze blowing . She was wondering if she should close the window . But she was too scared to get out of bed . Mishti coughed a couple of times . Her mother opened her eyes . Ria looked at her mother . She just patted Mishti and went back to sleep . Ria couldn 't bring herself to sleep no matter what she did . The wind was blowing stronger . Mishti coughed again . Ria turned the light on and gave her some water from the jug on the bedside table . " Close the window beta . " , said her mother . Ria was scared to go and close it . She was scared to leave it open too . Mishti coughed again . So she decided she 'd quickly close it . She left the light on . She took a quick look out of the window . There was no one . She bent over to close it and she heard the faint sound of a bicycle some distance away . She forced herself to think it must be one of the workers returning after a late night movie . She closed the window and the electricity went off . The room was pitch dark . She quickly fastened the latch and turned and bumped into someone . She instantly knew who it was , gave a gasp and blacked out . Posted on May 22 , 2017 by nithyaraghunath Ria sat for a while lost in her thoughts . Then she cried herself to sleep . She was woken by the doorbell . She looked at her wrist watch and smiled . It was time to see the expression on her parents ' face . She ran and opened the door . Her mother screamed like a little girl when she saw Ria and hugged her . Her father lifted her up like she was a little girl , kissed her on her cheeks . " Where is Mishti ? " , he asked . Ria told him that she was in Naisha 's house and her father ran over to get her back . Ria 's mother could not stop hugging and kissing her daughter . Her father carried sleepy little Mishti and her mother ran to her and kissed her . Mishti woke up thoroughly confused . She wanted to go back to sleep but these people were stifling her . She was about to cry when she recognized them . She grew shy and wriggled herself free from their arms and hid behind Ria . " When did you come here ? " , her mother asked her while Ria made three steaming cups of coffee for herself and her parents . " I came here the day before yesterday " , she said grinning . " Then why didn 't you tell us ? " , her mother asked stroking a lock of stray hair from her forehead . " And what ? Miss this look on your face ? " , she asked handing her mother a cup . Her mother kissed her . Mishti was overcoming her shyness and was playing with her grandfather . Ria gave her father a cup of coffee and sat beside him . He put his arm around her and kissed her forehead . " So , how come you decided to come all of a sudden ? " , he asked . " I don 't know . I thought it would be best for you to find out on your own . Or maybe I didn 't want you to find out at all . I didn 't know how you would react . I didn 't want you to … I don 't know Ria I don 't know " , he said growing restless . " Dad " , she said . " Nothing " , she said . She heard her mother coming and turned on the TV . " Ria , come here " , her mother beckoned to her . Ria got up and went with her mother while grand - daughter and grandpa watched cartoons . " Look what your aunt gave me " , her mother showcased the heavy silk saree that she received for the wedding . Ria looked at both , felt the fabric and its weight like her mother had taught her . " Well they are both beautiful . You take which ever you liked mom " , she said . " I want to talk to you about something " , her mother said . " What is it ma ? " , asked Ria . " Your old friend Sanjay . " " Yeah I know mom . My friends told me . But why didn 't you ? " " Oh Ria , such horrible things have been happening here . We didn 't want you to come over at all . We thought it was best if you were away " , said her mother . " I don 't know how to describe it Ria " , her mother said wringing her hands together . Her forehead had beads of perspiration . " Come on ma , you can tell me " , she said . " Well , people used to take that the road near maid Annamma 's house … they heard weird noises especially in the afternoons . I didn 't believe them at first . Annamma used to come and tell me every day . She even considered shifting her house from that street . Then the grove , I heard stories about the grove as well , but I was not sure what to believe and what not to believe but Ria , things started happening here as well . " " I heard bicycle bells Ria . I always dismissed it thinking it must be some kid outside . Then I heard someone by your room window . I heard someone persistently ringing the bicycle bell . Every time I go to check , there is no one . Your father never admits it , but Ria it freaks me out . And once , when I was sleeping at night , I felt someone standing by my bedside . I opened my eyes and saw a tall thin boy . I thought I was dreaming . He then called out your name and disappeared . " Ria 's hair stood on its end . " Things are not the same anymore Ria . I am scared " , her mother said beginning to cry . Ria debated if she should tell her mother about her experiences , but she knew it would only freak her out even more . So she kept it to herself . " Ria you must go back immediately " , her mother said . " But ma , Mishti needs to be here . She is not well . Besides I want a break too . I want to be with you . I am not going to let some old wives ' tales scare me out of here " , she said trying to sound brave though she was crumbling from within . " Oh Ria Ria " , her mother said . " Don 't worry ma " , she said patting her mother 's hand . She turned to leave the room with the sarees in her hand when her mother caught hold of her hand . She turned around and her mother smiled at her . " Ria come " , her mother repeated . Her face had visibly changed , though it was still her mother 's face there was something different , like there was the silhouette of another face within her mother 's face . Ria froze . " Ria come " , she repeated and laughed a deep unnatural laugh . Ria wrenched her hand free and stood glued to the floor . Her mother looked at her in a very disturbing manner . Ria screamed out to her father , but her voice never left her throat . Her mother came and caught hold of her neck and tried to strangle her . Ria tore free and ran out of the room . Her father and her daughter were not in the hall . She turned to see if her mother was following her . But her mother was standing looking stupefied . Ria went out of the front door to get some air . Had that just happened ? She saw her father and his precious granddaughter a little distance away . Mishti was trying to look for Jiminy cricket amongst the flower beds . She walked quickly towards them turning back all the time to see if her mother was following her . " Papa " , she said gasping for breath . " Oh this little girl here thinks I am a bad boy and need Jiminy cricket to set me right , she 's looking out for him " , said her father laughing merrily . " Uh . . well . . you said you … well . . I don 't know ma , you were all sweaty " , she said . She was not sure if her mother was aware of what happened . " It 's summer , I am working , I am obviously sweaty " , her mother said sounding casual . Ria made sure Mishti was nowhere nearby . She stood behind her father and said , " Ma , you were acting weird . "

I 've heard formatting can be daunting but I 'm up for the challenge . Of course , I 'll probably be bald and babbling like an idiot by the time I 'm done . So I 'll leave you with an excerpt to wet your appetite until you can feast on the whole thing . He squinted his eyes and looked around . Nothing seemed out of the ordinary . At least nothing he could see . He sniffed a few times . No brimstone or sulfur lingered , which meant no other demon had entered his domain . But the servants were obviously frightened by something . A woman stepped forward . Azazel recognized her as one of the nursemaids that had helped with the birth the day before . " It 's the child . We don 't know what to do with it . " She pointed to the cell in the back corner of the room . A child , of maybe four or five years of age , sat in the middle of the floor playing with wooden blocks . It turned and faced them . Her pale , white skin and silver white hair contrasted with the deep , red of her eyes . Lenore stepped slowly away from the door and raised her hand to her mouth . Azazel rolled his eyes and inhaled deeply . He looked to the nursemaid for an explanation . " And ? " Azazel asked . " Did she do something or say something that would warrant my presence ? " He was beginning to lose his patience with these humans . Okay , that 's all you get for now . What 'd ya think so far ? I 'm hoping to have THE UNNAMED available in ebook format soon . For updates , keep an eye on my Facebook page or follow me on Twitter . I 'm so nervous . I 've gone over this a zillion times but I 'm sure I 've missed glaring typos and grammatical errors . That 's what nerves do to you … they make you blind ! Or something like that . Anyways , I hope you like it and as always , feedback is most welcome ! My name is Kennan O ' Malley . I 'm fifteen years old , and I live in a compound that my Dad built to keep us safe . I 'm not even sure what day it is anymore . I just know that it feels like it 's been a long time since my life was normal . I used to be a sophomore in high school , an honor roll student . I had dreams of going to some big college in New York and being a famous fashion designer . I was popular , too . I had lots of friends , and I was a cheerleader . Not to mention , I had a boyfriend , Evan Mason . Well , he wasn 't my boyfriend yet . I mean , we talked all the time and hung out practically every day . Everyone knew it was just a matter of time before he asked me out . I won 't be cheering . I won 't be going to college . And I won 't ever know what it 's like to be Evan 's girlfriend . Because none of that exists anymore . That was my old life . And it 's gone . Everybody thought my Dad was crazy , especially me . He kept duffel bags full of guns , ammo , and food supplies in our hall closet . He insisted on teaching me and my brother , Donovan , how to shoot . At first I thought it was cool . I mean , how many girls do you know that can handle a 30 - 30 lever - action rifle ? The first few times were okay . I thought it was just his way of bonding , you know ? That it was some parental phase he was going through and he 'd get over it soon enough . But then it got annoying . It was all he wanted to do . When we weren 't hunting , he made us practice with targets . And he always nagged me about shooting at an animal when I was hunting and not just playing around . He didn 't get that I didn 't want to shoot Bambi , or Thumper , or any of his freaking friends ! And I certainly didn 't want to clean or dress them or whatever you call it . ( EW , EW , EWW ! ) I tried to tell him I didn 't need to know how to do that stuff because I was going to be a fashion designer . Designers make clothes , they don 't hunt their own food . But he wouldn 't listen . He said it was important for me to know how to take care of myself when the time came . I kinda felt sorry for him . Even his friends joked about him . They laughed at him and told him how he used to be cool but now he was just some old , country redneck . They called him a survivalist and said he was preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse or something . He didn 't even deny it . He just laughed and shook his head . Turns out my Dad wasn 't crazy . Somehow , he knew the world was going to fall apart and he did what he had to in order to protect his family . And all those people who used to laugh at my Dad , they 're probably all dead by now . But it wasn 't zombies that destroyed the world . It was a monster far worse than that . It was us . I don 't know how it happened or why . I never understood all that economics and government crap . I never paid attention to politics . I 'm a teenage girl ; there are so many other things to worry about than who 's running for president , or mayor , or whatever , you know ? Like this kid , John , that I went to school with ; his Dad shot the principal because they wouldn 't let John have free lunch anymore . See , awhile back , John 's mom died from the flu . They didn 't have insurance because they couldn 't afford it . Then his dad lost his job and the bank took their house . They 'd been living on the street for the last seven months . There wasn 't a soup kitchen in town any more , it closed down because it couldn 't get the funds to operate . So the only food John got was from school . I heard he used to bring leftovers home for his dad . But then the school 's policy on free lunches changed because of some law the government passed . It said that every child had to " earn the privilege of education . " Fees had to be paid for classes , books , and even lunches , or you couldn 't go . The school hired as many kids they could , but there weren 't enough jobs for everyone . Parents had to pay the rest . John 's dad couldn 't afford to pay , so I guess he kind of went crazy . The whole thing happened right in front of me . I was standing at my locker joking around with some of the other cheerleaders about our game later that night , when suddenly we heard someone arguing and yelling . I turned around to see what was going on . John 's dad was all up in Principal Johnson 's face , pointing and shaking his fists in the air . The principal kept trying to calm him down but the guy kept getting louder . Then John 's dad pulled this gun from his jacket . The shot echoed down the hall and the principal fell to the floor . Kids started screaming and running all around . Blood went everywhere . It was all over my clothes , in my hair . I just stood there , staring at Principal Johnson 's body on the floor . It was horrible . It wasn 't even the principal 's fault John couldn 't eat lunch , but he was killed because of it . I still get nightmares sometimes . After that Mom and Dad agreed that my brother , Donovan , and I should be pulled out and home - schooled . It 's the only thing my parents have agreed on since they got divorced . Figures . Of course , they argued for weeks about who we would live with and who would actually be teaching us . Eventually my Dad won out . He always does . Apparently , both my parents only went to high school . ( I so wish I 'd known that when they were fussing about grades and getting into college ! ) Since my step - mom , Michelle , had the highest level of education , that won her the grand prize of being our teacher . Yay for her . So that meant we had to live with Dad and Michelle . Mom was pissed , but she went along with it . Not long after that robberies started happening around town . Dad said that there weren 't many jobs any more and that 's what caused the " home invasions " , as he called them . Thieves just barged into people 's homes and took what they wanted . Sometimes it was jewelry or money , sometimes it was just food . People started boarding up their houses and buying dogs , fences , guns , whatever they could use to protect themselves . Then gangs started coming in from the city . They 'd paint graffiti signs on the sides of buildings and in the streets so you could tell whose territory you were in . Michelle wouldn 't let me or Donovan out of the house alone because the next door neighbor 's kid got recruited into one of the gangs . She said she saw his tattoos and that the number of marks on his face represented the amount of people he 'd killed . That kid was younger than I am , and he had four marks . Dad said stuff like this had been happening in a lot of major cities , all over the country , and that it must have finally filtered down to our small town . The police called in the national guard to help out . But instead of helping patrol , they took control . Dad called it Martial Law . The National Guard put up a fence around the downtown area . They said it was to protect the citizens . Dad said it was really their way of controlling the citizens . He said it 's easier to keep an eye on people when you know where they are all the time . Curfews were established and everyone had to get this badge made with our fingerprints and stuff . If you didn 't have a badge , you weren 't allowed inside the gate . Guards were posted everywhere and trespassers were shot on sight . No one was allowed to leave , unless it was for good . Once you made that decision , you couldn 't come back . Dad said things were only going to get worse . So he moved us here , to the compound . That was two days ago . We 'd been unloading furniture and boxes from the truck all day . I can 't be sure , but I think pulled every muscle in my entire body . It hurt to move . I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep , but Dad insisted we sit down and eat dinner like a family . Michelle had cooked for us . She never cooked , so I 'm sure it probably sucked but I was really too tired to care . Dad made us listen to the radio while we ate . He said it 's the only way we would really know what 's going on " out there . " He made it sound like we were in our own little world or something . Which come to think of it , wasn 't far off since he confiscated our cell phones when we got here . Not to mention , there 's no cable or internet service way out here in the middle of God knows where . He said it was a good thing to live off the grid . I just rolled my eyes . Dad can be a bit melodramatic sometimes . But when he turned on the radio there was nothing but static . Every station had gone off the air . Dad looked at Michelle and I knew that there was something wrong . He ran into the office where he had set up his own radio equipment and started fiddling with buttons . I kept asking what was wrong but he just yelled at me to be quiet . Donovan and I stood in the doorway and watched . Michelle came up behind us and put her hand on my shoulder . She and I have never been that close but I remember thinking that I was really glad she was there . Finally , Dad found someone talking . The guy said there were huge explosions in a bunch of major cities . No one knew what was really going on . Rumors of terrorists and invasions couldn 't be confirmed . There was mass chaos everywhere . He said a bunch of other stuff that I didn 't understand . And then he said something that I 'll never forget as long as I live . He said , " What the hell ? The ground just shook , like there was an earthquake or something . I 'm gonna look to see - looks like another explosion . Wait , what 's that ? Oh God ! No ! It can 't be … I don 't know if anyone can hear me , but if you 're anywhere near the Atlanta , Ga . area , please , please get to safety immediately . " And then there was nothing . Donovan started asking questions and I just looked at my Dad . I 'd never seen my Dad scared of anything before . But right then , with his face so pale and his lips thinned in a small line , I knew that whatever was going on , it was something awful . Every thing 's kind of a blur after that . We grabbed as much stuff as we could and boarded up a bunch of windows . Then Dad led us down this endless flight of stairs . My legs screamed at me because of all the moving I 'd done earlier . Why he made the basement so far underground is beyond me . But it wasn 't really a basement . It was more like some underground shelter . He said we only had to stay down here for a few days , just in case there was some type of fallout from all the bombs . So , that 's where I am right now , sitting in the shelter my Dad built under the compound that 's supposed to be my new home . I don 't even know what to think right now . Its like none of this is real . I mean I feel like , I don 't know , like I 'm stuck in some kind of warped nightmare or something . Like I 'm gonna wake up any minute and everything will be back to normal . My brother said to try to pretend we 're camping and it wouldn 't feel so weird . But I can 't . When we go camping we use a tent or a cabin that has windows . We don 't stay in some cinder block room with a steel door . I 'm trying to be strong , but I can 't help wondering what happened to Mom . Is she okay ? Is she even still alive ? And what about all my friends ? Did any of them make it ? What about Evan ? Will I ever see him again ? And all those people out there that didn 't have a shelter to go to , what happened to them ? What 's the world going to be like now ? How are we going to live ? Dad says we 'll be fine . He doesn 't know if Mom made it or not , but he said he 's been preparing for something like this for a long time and that she knows where this place is . So if she 's alive , he knows she 'll find a way to get here . We just have to hope for the best . He says the food and supplies we have won 't last forever , so we will have to learn to live off the land . And that people are going to find us here eventually . That they 're going to want what we have , our food , our shelter , our supplies . But we can only help so many without endangering ourselves . And when we starting telling people we can 't help them , then that 's when we 'll need to know how to protect ourselves . Because that 's when it will really get bad . " You don 't belong here , in the world of humans , " the being continued . " The Unnamed don 't belong anywhere . You 're abominations . " Haedyn watched as he changed forms continuously from a human figure , to a winged creature , to a wolf - like being , and back again . She didn 't know whether he was trying to distract her with his shape - shifting or his words , but she refused to budge . " I was around when your kind were created . Mistakes are what you are . The Angels knew they had screwed up just as much as we did . Our blood was never meant to mingle with theirs . That 's why they helped us hunt and kill every one of you . " The being stopped in front of her , and then turned his head to look in her direction . " Or so we thought . " It began pacing again and Haedyn took the chance to process what it had said . A blanket of loneliness settled around her heart as his words sunk into her soul . She was the only one left , the last . There was no family waiting for her . There was no others of her kind to welcome her into their home . She was alone . The sweet melody of his voice pulled her back from her thoughts . " But you seem to have a skill . Death becomes you , little one . Running those orphans straight to their slaughter at the river … it was as if you knew I 'd be waiting for them ! " The creature laughed and Haedyn closed her eyes in a slow blink as her shoulders dropped a notch . The children must not have stayed in the tunnel like she told them . If they had only listened to her and not ran to the river before daylight , they would have had a chance . " I know . " The being 's voice took on a softer tone . " You were trying to save them . But don 't you see ? You delivered them , just as they were meant to be . They would have grown up in this world and become humans full of hatred and deceit . They would never have known happiness . Death was a better alternative , don 't you think ? " Haedyn looked at him again . She couldn 't imagine Rachel as he described . She was always laughing and nice . But Rachel was still young . Adult humans behaved much differently . The pain and violence they inflicted upon the ones they claimed to love occurred far too often to be something other than their nature . The adults even treated their young as useless burdens , leaving them to be raised by others who viewed them as obligations . Rachel 's parents had done that , as well as her own . She let out a deep sigh . She had seen how cruel the adult humans could be . But this creature looming in front of her was evil , she was sure of it . She just wasn 't sure if it was any more evil than humans . " Ah , little one . What shall I do with you now ? " It walked in a circle around her as it spoke . Headyn followed it , not allowing it to leave her unique sight . " You do have a gift , " it continued . " I saw what you did to Frank . That 's a talent that I can help you hone . It comes from your demon side , you know , something I 'm very familiar with , " he said with a slight chuckle . Haedyn blinked in response . The Sisters had reverently worshiped scriptures that told tales of the existence of demons , but it never occurred to her that she would ever be face to face with one . Or that it would be praising her on how well she could kill . Was it right ? Did evil live in her as well ? Okay , what did you think ? Did you like it , love it , or hate it ? Hearing from you makes my day so feel free to leave comments and / or suggestions . My name is Kennan O ' Malley . I 'm fifteen years old and I live in a compound that my Dad built to keep us safe . I 'm not even sure what day it is anymore . I just know that its been a long time since my life was normal . But I guess none of that exists anymore , my old life . How things are now is my new normal . I suppose I should start at the beginning , so you 'll understand . Everybody thought my Dad was crazy . Especially me . He used to keep duffel bags full of guns , ammo and food supplies in our hall way closet . He insisted on teaching me and my brother , Donovan , how to shoot . He even took us hunting and fishing with him . His friends used to joke him to his face . They called him a redneck and a survivalist . They used to say he was preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse or something . Turns out my Dad wasn 't crazy . Somehow , he knew the world was going to fall apart and he did what he had to in order to protect his family . All those people who laughed at him , they 're probably dead by now . Long strands of grass tickled Ava 's knees as she squatted below the window ledge of the old cottage . Paint was peeling off the ledge and chunks of it had fallen on the ground below . Ava didn 't dare touch it for fear of it crumbling right there in her hand . Instead she bent over and leaned her hands on her knees . She waited until she heard movement from inside before she slowly stood and peeked through the dusty panes . A woman with long , brown hair pulled back with a ribbon was sitting at the table with a bowl in one hand and a stick with a rounded end in the other . She was grinding something in the bowl that looked like herbs , but Ava couldn 't tell for sure . " Shhhhh , " Ava hissed . " Margaret Ann , you 're gonna get me caught . Don 't you got something else to do than to bother me all the time ? " Ava scowled at her older sister . Ava grabbed her sister 's arm and pulled her closer . " She 's brewin ' something , " she said then rose up to peek in the window again . Her sister followed her lead and did the same . The widow wasn 't in the kitchen any longer but all her tools were laid out neatly on the table . " See ? Those are herbs and she was grindin ' them up in that bowl , " Ava explained as the girls squatted back down . " Mrs . Morgan said Widow Thompson 's a bad witch and that she killed her husband ' cause he was havin ' relations with other women . " " I don 't believe a thing Mrs . Morgan says . Momma don 't either . She said Mrs . Morgan 's a gossip and wouldn 't know the truth if it hit her square in the head . " Margaret leaned her knees down in the itchy grass and looked at her sister . She reached over and tucked a strawberry blond strand of hair behind Ava 's ear . " Besides , there 's no such thing as witches . Widow Thompson just moved here last week . " " She is too a witch , Margaret . She 's got all those herbs and she 's always mixing up potions . And remember when Mr . Mitchell got sick a few days ago and they thought he was gonna die ? Widow Thompson brought him some soup and he suddenly got better . " Ava watched as Margaret 's eyes squinted with doubt . " Momma wouldn 't want you talkin ' like that Ava . Let 's just go home . " " No . Momma ain 't here no more so she can 't hear me talkin ' . I 'm stayin ' right here . I don 't know if Widow Thompson 's a good witch or if she 's bad . So I figured I 'd spy on her and find out . " " Then maybe we shouldn 't be spyin ' on her . If she is a witch , I don 't wanna get caught , Ava . Preacher Mac says their evil . " Ava sighed and rolled her eyes at her sister . " That 's what I 'm here tryin ' to prove . But if you don 't shut up we are gonna get caught and Pappa 's gonna skin our hides . " " Thought it was rude to spy , " Ava remarked but did as her sister said . She watched as the widow stacked logs in the fireplace . Ava motioned to Margaret Ann that it was safe for her to look too . They watched the widow dunk pieces of material in her bowl on the table and then stuff it in the cracks between the logs . She stood and looked up with her eyes closed . They saw the widow 's lips moving but couldn 't hear what she was saying . Then the widow motioned with her hands and flames burst to life in the fireplace . The girls let out a gasp and ducked down so they wouldn 't be seen . Ava pouted at her sister . " I don 't believe it . And I 'm gonna prove it . " She stood up and marched towards the front door of the widow 's old cottage . Ava swallowed hard and took a deep breath . If she was wrong and Widow Thompson turned out to be a bad witch , at least Margaret Ann could run and get Pappa before the widow killed her . " I want to know if you 're a good witch or a bad witch . " Ava scrunched up her brow and blinked up at the woman . That wasn 't the response she had expected from the widow . She studied the woman for a moment and noticed the widow wasn 't much older than her Momma and they kind of looked alike , with their brown hair and eyes . But Ava was still suspicious . " You don 't know the difference ? " Ava looked down at her shoes and then over to the corner where Margaret Ann was standing . She waved her sister over to them . Margaret shook her head and Ava sighed . She put her hands on her hips and huffed . " She knows you 're over there , Margaret Ann . You might as well come here . " Ava looked at Margaret for a split second then started blurting out questions . " Are those magic herbs ? Do you make potions ? How many spells have you cast ? How did you start that fire ? " " Slow down . One question at a time , dear . No , the herbs aren 't magical . If used in the proper way or mixed correctly with other herbs in the right amount , they can be used as medicines . " The widow poured three cups of tea and brought them to the table . She sat down next to Ava . " Do you make potions ? " Ava asked and looked at the cup in front of her . She didn 't know whether it was safe to drink . She looked to her sister for guidance . Margaret shook her head slightly . Ava pursed her lips and braved a sip . " No . I don 't make potions . I make teas , spices , lotions , and medicinal rubs . But no potions , " the widow answered and sipped her own cup of tea . The widow smiled , " Some people think that only witches can do magic . But that 's not true . Magic is everywhere and anyone be a part of it . " " Not always dear . Some people don 't always see things the same way . Some people believe in magic and some don 't . Some people think magic is bad and others think it 's beautiful . It 's what you use it for that matters . " " Well , I guess then it would be good . " Ava gave Margaret her best " I told you so " look and finished her tea . She looked at the old woman beside her , " I knew you were good . " The widow smiled at Ava and then took on a somber face . " Not everyone feels that way . And not everyone takes the time to ask questions or find out the truth of things . Doing so is the wiser choice . But some people make quick judgements and try to force it on others . I 'm glad you girls asked me , instead of judging me . " The widow took their cups to the sink and walked the girls to the door . The widow looked at Margaret Ann then down to Ava . " I will teach you both if you wish . But only if you promise to use what I teach you to help others before yourself . " Margaret Ann looked after her sister then turned towards the widow . " I saw the book of matches on the table . That 's how you started the fire . I 'm not so sure you should be fillin ' my sister 's head with nonsense , Widow Thompson . Since Momma passed away , Ava has missed her terrible . Momma wouldn 't have liked Ava thinking she was some kind of witch when there 's no such thing . " The widow smiled and gave a small chuckle . " Margaret Ann , you don 't have to be a witch to do magic . Just knowing it exists is enough . It can be found in the smallest of things , like nature or a child 's love . Your Momma was the one who taught me that . " She winked a Margaret Ann . " Yes , child . I used to look after your Momma , the way you look after Ava . Your Momma taught me many things before I married and moved away . " Margaret Ann 's brow furrowed as she thought about what the widow just said . " So , your my Momma 's sister then . She talked about you a lot when she was alive but she never said anything about you knowin ' magic . Did you come back to help Pappa look after us ? " Margaret Ann looked down at the ground and then in the direction her sister had skipped off . " Will you tell us stories about Momma , when she was young ? Ava never got to know her well and Pappa won 't talk about her . " The widow bent down to look Margaret Ann in the face . " I 'll tell you everything I remember . You look just like her , you know . And Ava , well , she may look like your Papa but she certainly acts like your Momma did . Your Momma saw the magic in the world around her . Her heart was bigger than the sun itself . And she shared it with you and Ava . " Margaret Ann watched as the widow picked a budding rose from the bushes beside her front door . She held it in both hands , closed her eyes and chanted a few words under her breath . Margaret Ann stared in awe as the flower 's red petals started to open to a full bloom . She took it from the widow 's out - stretched hand . " She always had roses in full bloom on the table . I guess that was her magic then , huh ? " Margaret Ann looked up at her aunt in the doorway . " I 've got to get back before Pappa comes lookin ' for me . Ava and I will be here after school , but only if you teach me how to make the roses keep blooming like Momma did . I think Pappa would like to have the roses back on the table again . " Allie Blackwood is an Identifier , an investigator for the Enforcers used to determine if a crime was committed by a Special , a Supernatural , or a Straight . When Allie is called to a crime scene that is eerily similar to that of her deceased daughter , it ignites a deep - seated obsession that forces her to face her own limitations . Delving into the realm of magic and psychic powers , Allie must decided how far she will go to get retribution . Tagsflash fiction The alarm clock sat haphazardly on the edge of the nightstand . Its red digits glared mockingly at Cara . Another night seeped slowly into morning and she hadn 't slept . Hadn 't even tried . When she closed her eyes the nightmares came . It wasn 't enough that she could barely eat , now she couldn 't sleep either . Cara sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed . She was exhausted . She glanced at the phone wondering if she knew anyone that might be awake at this hour , then remembered that no one spoke to her anymore . Her friends had found others to party with and her former lover was at home with his wife . The mere thought of David made bile rise in Cara 's throat . The memory of his voice raked across her mind . " No one needs to know about this . We have each other , just me and you against the world . We can get through this . I 'll be here for you , whenever you need me , " he had told her . And she had believed him . That was the only reason she followed through with their decision . A burning rage filled her as thoughts of David consumed her mind yet again . He had lied to her so many times and she had been oblivious . She had been dumb and naïve . She had been weak , wanting only to feel loved after her break up with Logan . She flung herself backward on the bed . Logan , she thought . She had been stupid there too . She couldn 't make a good decision to save her life . Cara blinked back the tears stinging her eyes . She tried so hard to be a good person but she got lost somewhere after Logan broke her heart . She stopped trusting , stopped caring about others . She built a wall to keep herself safe but David had managed to get inside . How could she have not seen him for who he really was ? Was she so pathetic that she just fell for anyone these days ? God , what was wrong with her ? Maybe this was her punishment , she thought , for doing what she did . For being so careless , so reckless . Her last conversation with David reverberated in her head . " You 're nothing but a white trash , wanna - be porn star . All the things I had you do , and you enjoyed every second of it too . So don 't sit there trying to act like all this is my fault when you asked for it , babe . " A sob escaped from Cara 's throat as shame crept over her . " Please , " she cried , " Just make it go away . Make the pain stop ! " She curled up in a fetal position in the middle of the bed and let the tears fall freely . Why did she have to carry the burden of this alone ? Why did he get to sleep and eat and have a normal life as if nothing had happened ? Why did he get to laugh and be happy when she was so obviously tortured by their decision ? She punched down into her bed . It wasn 't fair , she silently screamed . He was a liar and a cheater . He had even tried to get out taking her to the clinic that day , and then guilt tripped her into not seeking therapy . Yet his job wasn 't on the line from lack of focus , his friends still called wanting to hang out , and he even had a wife to support him . Cara 's racing thoughts slowed . She wiped her cheeks and nose . She had shed far too many tears over this man . She was tired of crying . She was tired of the nightmares , of feeling helpless and alone . She jumped up from her bed , grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills and antidepressants from the nightstand 's drawer and headed into the bathroom . She opened each bottle pouring the contents into her hand . Cara looked up at her reflection in the mirror . She wasn 't the same person she had been a month ago . She would never be that person again . She turned on the faucet and dumped the pills into the sink . A few second later the door swung open and Steve pushed past his friend to get inside . " Man , I was set up . They took her . I can 't believe I was so stupid and they just snuck in and took her . Right from beneath my nose dude . " He paced back and forth in the small kitchen , hands bawled into tight fists . " Slow down man . Obviously your pissed about something , but you gotta give me more than just rambling . Start from the beginning . " Mark walked Steve to the kitchen table and sat him down . " Now , just tell me what happened . " Steve took a deep breath trying to control his anger . " I went on this hunt , well a rising really . Some chick was murdered and the details screamed vamp . So I went to the morgue . I was just gonna stake her when she rose , ya know ? Easy gig , right ? " he nodded towards Mark for agreement . " So I bribed the attendant , gave him $ 50 bucks to let me stay the night . God I was stupid ! I should 've seen right through him . But I was lazy ! " He banged his fist on the table rattling the salt and pepper shakers . " So I wait all freaking night . Then finally this chick rises . Man , she was hot . And she knew it too . She tried to seduce me at first , but I just let her talk ya know ? Same old song and dance . These vamps they always try the same shit . " " Yeah I got her . But I got curious I wanted to know what her name was so I looked at the charts . Every single one said Gretchen Walker and listed our address . So I took off running for home . " Steve stood again and starting pacing . " Betty . They took Betty . " Steve sat down again . He held his head in both hands for a moment , then looked at his friend from between his arms . Mark grabbed his seat and pulled it back to the table . He turned it backwards and sat with his arms across the rails . " Okay , let me see if I can get this straight . You had both Gretchen and Betty at your place while you were hunting . " " Well of course I am . She 's been in my life since I was a kid . I mean , I left her protected . No one knew where she was , not even Gretchen . " Steve got up and walked to the counter across from the table . " Oh shit , that 's right . I remember , the bear . Your grandma told you to always keep it close , to remind you of your family . Yeah , she was all decked out in some little leather outfit . You still have that thing ? " " Yes I still have her and she 's not a thing . Betty has been with me through everything . When my mom got staked and when my dad got beheaded . She was there when my grandma got slain . She went to training with me , too . That bear is my family , man . " Steve stood and walked into the adjoining den . He opened the armoire and studied the weapons inside . Picking out the biggest spear gun , he turned and faced his friend . " Whatever dude . You can go get Gretchen . But I 'm bringing Betty home . " In his line of work , the little things could mean life or death . For instance , not having the right kind of coffee . It had to be strong , caffeinated and it had to taste good . If it sucked he wasn 't going to drink it , which would defeat the purpose . He couldn 't afford to fall asleep out here . That 's how you get dead , like the last hunter they put in this district . A distinct thud interrupted Steve 's rambling thoughts . It had come from the " Drawers of the Dead , " as the morgue attendant called them . Steve gave a slight grin from his memory of telling the guy that staying the night in the morgue was part of a frat initiation . It has been one of his more elaborate tales . In the end it had cost him $ 50 bucks , but at least he was would be able to get this one as it rose and not have to chase it all over creation . " Showtime , " he said as he hopped off the wooden table he 'd been sitting on for the better part of the night . He stood staring at the wall of stainless steel cabinets used to hold the remains of the recently departed . A few more bumps and bangs directed him to the correct drawer . After a few more bangs , the drawer 's door flew off it 's hinges and two hands reached out to grasp the edges for leverage . Steve heard a couple of grunts , then watched silently as the metal slab from within started to appear . It carried upon it the body of a young woman who had been murdered three days ago and who now looked very much alive . And naked . Steve was momentarily distracted as the woman 's ample breasts rose and fell from the unneeded breaths she was taking . He mentally shook himself . His girlfriend would be pissed if she knew he was standing here watching a naked lady . Of course , this was no lady . This was a vampire and he was about to dispatch it from this world . Ample breasts and all . " What 's up , " he said . He could see the confusion in her eyes but the look quickly turned more sinister . Steve knew her hunger had just set in and she was probably thinking he 'd be a great snack . She swung her legs over the side of the slab and hopped to the floor in one fluid motion . Her dark brown hair barely brushed the top of her cleavage , hiding nothing from Steve 's careful observation . She stood there , in all her naked glory , staring at him with the eyes of dangerous predator . " Like what you see , Sugar ? " she asked . The brunette vampire ran her hands slowly up her stomach up to her breasts then back down her sides to her hips . She bent her knees slightly as she gave a little groan of anticipation . " Not so much . I 'm not into necrophilia and I have a girlfriend . Who happens to be very much alive . Which you aren 't . You 're just a blood - sucking corpse , " Steve replied . The vampire snarled and ran at him . He moved to the left just out of her grasp , turned and buried his stake into her back . The wooden point pushed all the way through her chest , piercing her heart on the way . She grabbed her staked chest and screamed , then turned to dust . Steve bent down to pick up the stake that had fallen to the floor . " The females are always so dramatic . I 'll bet she was a Valerie or a Monica , " he said aloud . He walked over to the table where he 'd been sitting and flipped through the charts until he found the paperwork on the now deceased vampire . " Gretchen Walker , wait . No . This can 't be right , that 's my girlfriend 's name . And lists our address . " Steve starting flipping through all the paper work in the clipboard , looking at the records of every deceased person allegedly being held in the morgue . Each one 's name was Gretchen Walker . Steve dropped the chart and ran for the door . His mind was whirring with realizations . This had been a setup . They killed that poor girl as a distraction so they could get his girlfriend . That damn attendant was probably in on it too . Dammit . He knew it had been too easy to persuade that guy . And the little shit had taken his money too . Tagscupid , love , magic , Paranormal , relationships , romance " You listen to me , Megs . Don 't go gettin ' all wrapped up with no man . They ain 't worth it . Men are only good for one thing , and half of ' em ain 't even good for that ! " The words of her alcoholic mother rang true for Meghan Dowry . After witnessing several of her friends failed relationships and having a brush with heartbreak herself , Meghan kept far away from anything that even resembled romance . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

I 've watched Makae these last few months from afar . She hasn 't wanted much contact with us . I took her to lunch once , but that was it other than that a few facebook messages , meeting her at Wal - mart to buy her a cold - weather sleeping bag and getting her stuff from an apartment . When I try to reach out to her she is distant . When I try to help her she takes the help . . . sometimes as though it is her right . But most of the time it is awkward . I think she feels we judge her . Perhaps we do . Not intentionally , but I do have a hard time believing she is happy , or that her actions will lead to happiness . For one thing , although she swears she never wants to go back to jail , she quit meeting her probation officer and doing her drug tests , so she has a warrant out for her arrest . Her solution to that is to hide from the police , believing that if she can avoid being picked up for three years it 'll go away ( Shawn has done some research into that belief and is pretty certain it 's untrue ; there doesn 't seem to be a statute of limitations on probation violations ) . After the funeral she had her friend bring her to our house with all of her stuff . She was sad , but we invited her friends to stay for a while and eat with us . We had a nice dinner with them and the whole family . After dinner they left , and she got on the computer again , but when it was time for bed , she wanted stay in the house , not go to the trailer . Shawn told her that was fine , but if she was in the house she would have to sleep with me . She wanted to be alone , not with me , so he told her it had to be the trailer . She was quite angry . He tried explaining nicely that with the charges she made against her brothers and him that she couldn 't sleep in the house . We had to maintain a distance that left no chances . She finally went to the trailer , but was quite angry at us . That night Shawn came up with another solution . He would get a camera and install it in the hallway to the spare bedroom , configured to record all movement . That way she could sleep in the house because if she made any rape allegations we 'd have proof that it hadn 't happened ( her previous allegations had been that she was raped while asleep ; she is capable of defending herself while awake , so we really only had to solve the sleeping arrangement question ) . The next morning , Tuesday , day before yesterday , Makae came in the house from the trailer and got on the computer first thing . The internet sometimes slows down due to the valley where we live not having good service . It made her extremely angry and she started swearing quite obscenely about it . I asked nicely for her to not swear . She said that she would cuss because it was part of who she was , something she was proud of and that if I really loved her I would accept all aspects of her , not just the ones I liked . I disagreed and told her that swearing was a choice and not inherent to her character or personality . She said her boyfriend had loved her foul mouth , her piercings , her tattoos , her green hair , her rebelliousness and that she should never change and she was going to honor his memory by never changing . I told her that was her choice but if she was in our home the rule was no bad language and she would have to obey that . She continued to get angry and asked why we wanted her back here if we couldn 't accept her the way she was , or love her . I told her we did love her and we did accept her , but that didn 't mean we had to lower the standards of our home , anyway . . . she got more upset and finally Shawn got involved . He eventually lost his temper and told her to get out . She refused , and said that we 'd always hated her , that we were so terrible to her her whole life , that we were horrible to her . He got really upset at that and said " You know what ? I am done . I try and try and try , and you never meet us halfway or any way . From this point on I no longer have a daughter . " Of course that went over well . I kept telling him to calm down and go away , that I would handle it . At this point she decided she was leaving and was crying and a mess . It really hurt her feelings . And she was already upset because of her boyfriend . Shawn immediately felt terrible and tried to apologize and tell her he said it in a moment of anger , but she wouldn 't let him take it back . She said she 'd been waiting for years for him to say that , and had always known that he didn 't want her . She wanted all of her stuff and was leaving right then . I finally managed to coax her back inside and settle down a bit . We talked a bit , and she decided that she can 't stay with us , that it won 't work because she is always so angry with us . She feels like she is never good enough . I tried to explain that we don 't feel that way , but she would have none of it . She said some pretty hurtful things as well . Things like we never wanted her , never loved her . That she has no good memories of us or her childhood . She said all of the times we tired to get her help in hospitals , or rehab centers or even with medications was nothing more than abandoning her and that we had done it her whole life . She told us we were the worst parents and could never love her unless we could love and accept all of the choices she made - - choices that , frankly , she made specifically because we thought they were bad ideas . She talked about how doctors know nothing , how meds do nothing but screw her up . She talked about how our religion had done nothing but make her feel guilty her whole life . She was finally proud of who she was , her identity defined by her body modification , profanity , promiscuity , and drugs . As I listened I thought she really does need help . What clearer evidence than the fact that she so completely lacks any sense of identity that she has to define herself in terms of such shallow characteristics , every one of them chosen in direct opposition to our ideals . Essentially , her identity is her opposition to our beliefs . Even more , she deliberately seeks out the opposition in every interaction with us - - even when we 're not opposed . As an example , she once screamed at Shawn that we 're terrible people because we want to deny gay people the right to be married , and continued her tirade even after Shawn said we wanted no such thing and had plans to attend my brother 's marriage to his partner ( Shawn was their wedding photographer ) . But it didn 't matter that her point of opposition was false , she wanted to make us out to be terrible . We have been careful not to criticize any of her choices , trying to get her to understand that we love her regardless of whether or not we think she 's choosing well . But she consistently forces the issue , demanding that we must agree with and even like her choices , because if we don 't , that means we don 't like or love her . I 'm not sure if this is because she 's testing , as borderline sufferers often do , to see if people will stick by her no matter how much she abuses them , as a way to prove that they care , or if she has no identity of her own so these choices really are , to her , the totality of her value as a person . I think maybe it 's some of both . Either way , she 's really unhealthy , but I can 't force treatment because it won 't work unless she wants it too . We finally got her to agree to see a psychiatrist and perhaps a therapist , though she said that she hates medications and probably won 't take them . Shawn also offered to help pay for an apartment for her since if she can 't live with us we don 't want to see her on the street . Homelessness is never good , and in Utah where it gets so cold , it is worse . She got on the internet and found a friend who was willing to let her move in if we paid part of the rent . Afterwards I left for a little while to help my mom . About 30 minutes later , Shawn called and asked if I had any plain , unscented chapstick , because Makae was upset that the new tattoo she had gotten in remembrance of her boyfriend had begun to dry out and crack and she needed to put something on it . I told him I had some in my purse but that I thought that was the only unscented chapstick I had . I came back , although it turned out that she couldn 't use what I had . She then became quite agitated , insisting that she had to leave right then to get some ointment that would help . She went into a full blown panic attack , unable to control her emotions , or her thought processes , and even sort of had some tics . I agreed to drive her down to Ogden and buy her some ointment for fresh tattoos . She yelled at me the whole time I was getting in the truck to go . She yelled at me for not moving fast enough or caring about her or anyone else and just myself . She yelled at me because I didn 't have any chapstick , and then for not knowing she needed the ointment when I arrived . When I told her I thought it was pretty selfish to think that I should know what she and her dad talked about when I was gone she got really angry and made some completely nonsensical comments about how it was my responsibility to know these things , and not her fault . I harrumphed at that and she went on for the whole way down the canyon about how I never listen and that only with us does she get so out of control . I finally told her that she was the only one who wouldn 't let the subject drop , and she kept yelling at me to shut up and let her calm herself down , and that I never let her . Anyway . . . she was just mentally out of control . Not violent physically , but mentally . We finally made it to the store and bought her ointment . Then she said she couldn 't go back up and told me to drop her off at a friends house . At this point I had been yelled at and verbally attacked for most of the day so I was happy to . I dropped her off , and went home . I spent the afternoon thinking and wondering and second guessing my actions and thoughts . She contacted me later to say that we could meet the girl she wanted to move in with today and that would we please bring all of her stuff to her , and asked me to wash all of her clothes for her . I did . I got on the computer later to see that she had posted on facebook that her parents were willing to pay someone to let her live with them if it would just get her out of our lives , that is how much we hated her . She told us how much all of her friends hated us , because of how we treated her . It hurts . I won 't say it doesn 't . But last night I actually felt a little peace . I felt like God would watch out for her and that , no matter what , he knew her problems and that he loved her and that he would sort through things . The saddest realization of the day is that Makae is so unhappy because she is searching for it in all the wrong places . She wants someone to give her value , she wants things to make her happy , to feel something other than shame , and yet she makes choices that only produce more shame . It 's a vicious downward cycle . The things that would give her self worth and true happiness she rejects vehemently as things we have tried to " shove " down her throat her whole life . I 'm not even talking about religion , although I think God would help her if she would allow it , but just everything about having a normal , stable life . We met her new roommate today . The place was clean and well kept . It smelled good . The girl seemed to have it together . She is going to college and has a job . She knows Makae and her issues and is very patient with her . I hope it really works for Makae , that she can find some stability . We will look into doctors , but again it is really up to Makae to make it work . She isn 't willing to take medications , even though if she 's having hallucinations she clearly needs them . I wish that she could see how much love we have for her . When talking to Shawn about how terrible he felt about the things he said , I said " She may hate us all of our lives here on earth , but when we get to the other side she will realize why we did what we did . She will see the love we had / have for her and that we only wanted her happiness . She will know how much we cared , and how hard we have tried to show her that . She will not be angry or hate us ; she will finally recognize us for what and who we are , and I hope for what and who she is . I wish she didn 't have to go through this life with a broken mind . I wish she didn 't have the issues she does , but I have to have faith that God knows why . . . and however unfathomable to me there is a good reason for it . I know he will not leave her abandoned , any more than we can . We just don 't always see it , just as Makae doesn 't always see us . " Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers . She needs help and we are only able to do so much . She could use all the help she can get . Nov 25th - My dear sweet grandpa Merritt passed away this morning . It is so hard and yet so wonderful . He has wanted to go for so long . I will miss him terrible . I have been so blessed to have him as a grandpa for 24 years . He has been so good to me . He is happy though . He is with Grandma Wanda , and Merrilee and Jill and all of his brothers and parents . What a wonderful reunion he is having . Oh I am so grateful for that knowledge . We all saw him on Wednesday of last week , well all of the boys and I , Shawn was out of town . He loved seeing the boys . I saw him of Friday . He told me that day he wasn 't getting better . I told him it would be okay if he went . But he said he was scared of that as well . He didn 't feel good . We should have visited on Sunday but we had tithing settlement and then . . . poor excuses . I made plans to see him today . I have loved seeing him this past few months so regularly . We have gone multiple times per week and sometimes every night . I will always cherish the times I had to be with him . He blessed my life so much . Ethan 's school put on Peter Pan as the musical this year . They did a really good job . Ethan was Mr . darling . He did a great job as well . He was very dedicated to his role and he worked hard . We went twice to see it . Well a total of three . I went with Mom , then Shawn went with his Mom , then I went with Lill and then again with Alicyn . They put it on 4 times . Boy do I need blessings and help to overcome my faults . One of them is Simmering Resentment . I know it is wrong , and I talk it through and I know with my head that this is the way it is , but then my heart hurts and all of the pent up hurt feelings come out , and I realize I haven 't really cleared things up yet . I don 't know how long it will take . I do try . I try to see the good side of people . I try to be nonjudgemental , I try to look through their eyes , but sometimes I 'm human and I just see it so differently and " They are wrong and should fix it " comes out . My biggest areas I struggle with are in family relationships and religion . The person who has sinned I can allow to repent with no problem . I give them the benefit of the doubt . But when it is personal and I know they know better it gets to me . I have certain standards that I think are important , and I know others peoples standards aren 't the same as mine , but somehow I think they should be . I have to admit that I was quite upset with Shawn 's parents for wanting to be gone all the time instead of with family . I know that is wrong . I love them , and I know they love us , and I know they are truly enjoying this time of their lives together . I want them to enjoy it . I want them to be happy . . . yet because I put so much emphasis on family togetherness I find it hard not to put that on them as well . My dad has frustrated me the past few weeks . His way of dealing with disappointment hurts not only him , but Mom and Cole as well . How can someone so knowledgeable about the gospel and Christ 's teachings not see another 's side of things . How can he think by cutting someone off you are helping them . Doesn 't he realize only by love and example will he ever teach his son of his love ? But then I do the same thing in holding on to resentments . I am having problems with my sister for divorcing her husband and being so unwilling to even consider him changing or trying . I feel like the marriage covenant is so sacred you work and work at it . That God will bless you in making it work . She doesn 't feel the same and although I can see her side of it , and I can understand how hard it is for her , and I love her dearly , I get so angry about it , which is stupid because it doesn 't really effect me and it isn 't my decision or place . I have family members on both sides that have left the church . It bothers me a lot . I feel like they are lost to me . I look at my life and think about all the things that have happened and I think if anyone has a reason to be mad at God it is me . And I do get mad at him , but I never doubt his church . I never doubt iIt is one thing I am working on , I really am . I am sure I have plenty of things for them to resent as well . I know my side of the family says I 'm great except for my epistles . That is what they have dubbed my letters to them . We manage to work through it . I guess that is what really counts its managing to work through it and love them in spite of the things we don 't like . And in all reality the resentment mostly comes out when I am down and overwhelmed and I think I need people to help me and the ones I want to rely on aren 't there because of choices they have made . I guess that is what it boils down to is personalization , and expectations . Sometimes I have to remind myself about my sessions with Cassandra and the things I learned there . My though patterns are just as bad as some of Makae 's . Anyway . . . . this post is not to make anyone feel bad , it is just I know I need to work on things . I know I have to fix these things , and I am trying , it just takes time . Please know I don 't hate you , I just have feelings I need to come to terms with . It isn 't you - - It 's me . First week of November - - Grandpa is such a positive example for me . We have seen him regularly and almost daily since he went to the rehab center . He is still holding on , but not really improving . Getting slowly worse . He stays in bed at all times and never gets up . He is confused a lot of the time . the other day when we went to visit him he wanted to go home to his house . He couldn 't believe that he would have sold it . He has and infection that causes severe diarrhea that he caught from the facility and he has been in terrible pain that way for a while . They put his back on Hospice . Most days though he is cheery . He has such an upbeat personality . I sure do love him . He is in the nursing side of the facility until his infection clears up and then they will move him to a new place . He always knows who we are though and is so excited to see us . Dad got a letter in the mail the other day from a psychiatrist in Florida congratulating him on the marriage of his son . What a way to find out . Cole and David 's announcement was in the New York times . This person had seen it and was writing a book about straight parents with Gay kids and wanted to know if they would be interested in being interviewed . Needless to say , but no . That set off a firestorm . He thought Mom knew , and was quite upset , and when she said no , she didn 't know , she confronted me . So I told the whole thing and shared with her the whole thing and the why . Dad was mad no one had told them . I finally told him because we wanted to avoid exactly what was happening . He cut off Cole for a while . He is hurting , Mom is hurting and Cole is hurting . Got to the point that Cole said he wasn 't coming home for Christmas . Been trying to work through all of this with them . All I can do is hope and pray . God has to soften hearts on both sides . Makae broke up with James after he physically hurt her . She found a new boyfriend but has been homeless . I really don 't like her on the streets , especially as winter is coming on . We met her one night to give her her stuff and also bought her a warm sleeping bad and mattress and some stuff . She was upset because she thought we would turn her in . I don 't know why she thinks that . If we were going to turn her in , we would have already done that . A few days after that her boyfriend was killed in a hit and run accident on his skateboard . It really hurt Makae . She called us and we went and got her . We took care of her for a bit and then she wanted to go back down and be with all their " Street family " so we took her . They put her up till the funeral . After the funeral she wanted to come back home . We said okay . She also said she was willing to go into rehab , so we started finding places we could go to help her fulfill her probation requirements and also got her off the street and get her some help . We found a place and took her down to meet them . So we picked her up and took her down to the place and looked around . She talked to the counselor privately and then came out and said nope , not for her . She told him she has been having hallucinations and hearing voices , and that only marijuana keeps that at bay . Her wants her to have a full psychological evaluation . That is all good , but it wont fulfill her probation requirements or solve her housing issues or get her the help she needs . She told him even more she didn 't want to be in rehab . So why did we go through all of the work to set everything up if she was just going to say no . It is just so sad . She went back to her friends house to party . I can 't imagine she is happy , but there is so little I can do about that . We saw a picture today that she drew of the demons in her life . She explained the details , and part of it is her feat of her dad and brother . I don 't get that . But she also drew blue around the demon because her mother always turns to God to fix her wayward dKristanne Willden After Cole and David left , Shawn and I stuck around for a couple of days and we took time to see parts of New Jersey that we had never seen before . It is a beautiful state . And of course we were there at the perfect time for fall colors . We went to see some of the historic sites first . We went to the Princeton Battlefield , where a major victory was won during the revolutionary war . Then we headed out to the Crossing of the Potomac state park . There is a park on both sides of the river , one on New Jersey and one in Pennsylvania . The one on New Jersey side is more natural and rustic with a few of the original sites being maintained , like the trail to Princeton , and the well and house that were on the site . The other site has built up homes , and tents and is more of a reenactment of the events . We saw a little of both . Then we just drove around and looked at the beautiful scenery on that side of the state . It was so pretty . Beautiful rolling hills , and farmland , and so many woods . The second day we headed along the Eastern side and drove down the coast . And I mean most of the coast . We could see where the last hurricane had really caused a lot of damage . Houses were completely gone , and streets as well . Some of the coastal towns were nice , some were pretty seedy . We stopped in Atlantic city for lunch and it was less than stellar . The city itself was less than stellar . It all looked pretty run down . I think it has fallen on hard times . The casino 's were practically empty , and no one was on the boardwalk either . Course it was rather chilly . We continued on down the coast till we got to Cape May . I really wanted to see the quaint little town , but by the time we got there , we didn 't have much time so we went to the state park instead . It was beautiful and I really enjoyed it . We thought we would walk around the town and get some supper afterwards , but apparently it is off season and not a lot of the places were open . On the last day we cleaned up Cole 's place really really well , got a car to rent , and drove to an art gallery and then up to the airport . The gallery was all sculpture gardens , and the gardens were quite nice . Throughout it was sculptures from different people but mostly from one artist , who took people from everyday life and put them throughout the gardens . They were very good . There was one of a college girl laying on the grass with her earphones in , and she looked so real I had to do a double take . There were quite a few like that . He also did some sculptures of famous painting . They were nice as well . There was a little restaurant at the gardens called RATS . It was terrific food . And it was busy for a Tuesday . This is the view from the patio where we ate at RATS . It was so pretty . Then we headed up the state to JFK , caught our flight and headed home . It was a nice week , all in all . I was going to mention that on the first day Shawn and I got honked at over and over , and we couldn 't figure out why . Then we remembered we were in Cole 's car and it said " Just Married " on the back window . Not only that but it had two grooms holding hands stickers . I 'm sure to motorists that passed us looked at us and thought , wow . . . . Funny gay couple , she looks female . Anyway the second day we cleaned it off so we didn 't get honked at the whole time . On October 25th , Cole got married to his long time partner David Adler . Shawn and I went out for the wedding , and Charlene went out to see Meagan and they all drove up for the day . Shawn and I stayed with Cole . It was a nice day . Shawn met some people from google in New York , so I didn 't feel too guilty about not telling Mom the whole truth , just that Shawn had some meeting and we were going to stay with Cole while we were there and then see some of New Jersey . That was all true . Cole decided a while ago not to tell Mom or Dad about his marriage . First he didn 't want to hurt them any more than they already were , and second he couldn 't see how it would help there relationship at all . We all agreed . We knew dad would pull into himself and become distant , and not be able to deal with Cole for awhile , and we knew Mom would be accepting and loving , but be terribly hurt and worry about it and be depressed , so we all kept it quiet . Besides that it wasn 't our place to tell them . Cole told us all to begin with that he would love to have us all there , but if we didn 't feel like we could go and be happy with him to please not come because this was a happy day for him and he didn 't want anything to ruin it . He even offered to buy tickets for Alicyn and Lillie Ann . Alicyn couldn 't go given her situation and Lill decided she would stay with Mom . I am glad I was there . They had it at a nice place in Princeton . They had a brief but not too long ceremony , then a luncheon and then toasts . Cole had asked me to give a toast for his family . I was really worried about how it would go , we don 't do those at Mormon weddings , but it all went okay . I toasted them with my own blessing and with sparkling cider . I also wanted to be true to my beliefs . I think being there showed Cole more love than anything I could have done . He needed family there . And the day was nice if sad in a way for me . Cole paid a loverly compliment to Mom and Dad . He said that even though his parents weren 't there and couldn 't agree with his choice , that everything heWe went out a few days before the wedding and spent some time with Cole and his friends . I met David 's mom and she was really a neat lady . And Dana , Cole 's friend from high school was there with her partner Madeline and we spent a lot of time with them as well . It was a different group than I am use to , but I enjoyed it and again was glad I was there . Cole 's friends are very nice and care about him deeply . I am glad he has a family away from home , even if it makes us jealous at times . They get him more than us . Charlene and David 's sister signed the wedding certificate and let me tell you his sister was a hoot . She is the living " Nanny Fran " She has the bronx accent , and dresses very to the T . She is really outgoing and she just reminded me of so many things from the television show . David 's father and his wife were there as well . They too were very nice . Shawn took all the pictures for the wedding and I think they turned out pretty good . Wow . . . . . The past few weeks have been filled with Death . First Charlene 's father in law died , and then my cousins Lynn and her husband Jack Hannum died within 12 hours of each other , both battling diseases they have had for a long time , and then Lill 's Father in Law has a massive Stroke and dies suddenly . Grandpa I expect to go before the end of the year , but he is still holding on . It 's just all at once and so many and it was just shocking to me . The Divorce part comes from Alicyn . She has decided to Divorce Chad . It breaks my heart . I know she hasn 't been happy for a while , and I know that Chad can be hard to deal with , but he really loves her and he hasn 't changed from when she married him . He still does the same things , acts the same way . . . It 's not like she didn 't know what she was getting into . I think when she decided to have kids and introduce new things into her life , he just wasn 't ready and couldn 't handle it as a normal adult , after all he is not normal . But he agreed to it all because he loves Alicyn . I know she feels like she is the only parents and that she has 4 kids . I get that . I know that he annoys her , but I also know that is isn 't one sided . She hasn 't been very nice to him for years . She hasn 't treated him with respect for years . He of course has let his mother rule his life even when married , and whatever she said went . That wasn 't good either . The kids don 't show Chad much respect either which isn 't good . I have felt so badly that I finally wrote a message to her . I don 't think she liked it . I do think what she is doing is wrong . I think she made an eternal vow and needs to do all she can to make it work , but she is now not even willing to try . He is heartbroken and so upset , and she just doesn 't seem to care . It all came to a head because they haven 't been paying bills again and lost the house , and she figured is she had to move , she was not moving with him . I thought she would be pretty mad at me for expressing my opinions . I did tell her I loved her and would support her no matter what Anyway . . . . All of this has been hard , along with us visiting grandpa every day . I have felt overwhelmed a bit as well . Things will kept better , they always do . Grandpa fell on September 19th and broke his hip . He rang the button and they came and got him and called Kelly , Susan 's brother , not son . Susan is up in Boise at their private campground . Kelly took him to the hospital . They decided there was nothing they could do for him that late , so they gave him a lot of pain medication and waited for the next day . Kelly let us know and Shawn and I took the morning off and went to see grandpa and spend time with him . We visited for quite some time and finally got him to agree that he needed to have surgery to fix it . He has been feeling down and talking about dying for so long , he sort of thought that if he didn 't do anything he would die from this . He would eventually , but it would be a long slow death , because he was bed ridden and not because his hip was broke . After talking and talking to him we finally convinced him he needed the surgery . His other concern was it was so expensive and it would take money away from the kids ' inheritance . What a guy . He had the surgery Friday afternoon . Before the surgery Shawn and Kelly gave grandpa a blessing . In it he was told that god was pleased with him and that whatever God wanted for him , to stay or to go , we would be happy with that decision too . It was really touching and I think Grandpa really appreciated it . Shawn and I went to get some lunch while it was happening , and we ran into Kelly and Jeff , and then Tonya and her husband . When grandpa got out of surgery he was pretty incoherent . He said he wasn 't in much pain . So they didn 't give him much pain medication , but all of Saturday he was pretty out of it . He was mumbling and jerking . That is what really upset me the most was he was jerking so much . He seemed so close to death and I was sad , but not . Sunday he wasn 't much better . They determined he had a urinary tract infection and that his kidney 's were shutting down . The put him on an antibiotic and also gave him liquids . He didn 't seem to know anyone , can 't finish a sentence and isn 't sure where he is or what happened , but hSusan finally found a way to come down and we went and picked her up at the airport on Friday night . Her dad really wanted her there and I was glad she found a way to get there . It would be nice if grandpa could die . We would miss him a lot but he is so ready to go and hasn 't been really happy for the last year , and has felt useless . It would be nice it he could be with his wife and daughters and parents again . They finally decided on moving grandpa to a recovery center because he wasn 't good enough to go back to Apple Tree , but the hospital didn 't want to keep him . They moved him over to Crestwood , which is good facility . It has been remodeled since Jill was there , and it is very nice . We visited him everyday and he seems more with it , but he still forgets he broke his hip , and sometimes doesn 't know where he is , and sometimes he gets really confused as well . Cade got a job at J 's . It 's the local drive - in . He wasn 't excited to be working in food , but they need people during the day as most of their employees are high school students and it works out great for him and it is close so he doesn 't have to drive forever to get to work . His boss is great and Cade has decided he actually likes it . They have completely remodeled the place . It was originally Jay 's when I first moved to Morgan and then he left it to his daughter Stephanie Nance , and it became Steph 's . Someone bought it from her and eventually Blain Smith bought it . And they named it J 's in a tip of the hat to the original owners . I think it will work well for Cade and I am excited that he took the initiative to find a job on his own . Ethan 's homecoming Ethan had his homecoming in September . He volunteered for extra credit to be part of the drill team for the powder puff game . I got some pictures but they were far away He and all the boys did a great job . He is the one in the red shorts ( superman shorts ) and white tights . I was pretty impressed . Everyone was laughing and it was quite the dance . The next night was the dance and he took a german exchange student named Tamara Prieb . I think they had a great time . They had a limo rented , and went to the Timber Mine to eat , and then back to the dance . He got home late and said he really enjoyed it . I think she did too . So much fun to have him really enjoy his teenage years . The lady is Leslie Christiansen Heywood . I went to school with her , and when we were young , we were really good friends , not so much in high school . Tamara is living with them .

I 've watched Makae these last few months from afar . She hasn 't wanted much contact with us . I took her to lunch once , but that was it other than that a few facebook messages , meeting her at Wal - mart to buy her a cold - weather sleeping bag and getting her stuff from an apartment . When I try to reach out to her she is distant . When I try to help her she takes the help . . . sometimes as though it is her right . But most of the time it is awkward . I think she feels we judge her . Perhaps we do . Not intentionally , but I do have a hard time believing she is happy , or that her actions will lead to happiness . For one thing , although she swears she never wants to go back to jail , she quit meeting her probation officer and doing her drug tests , so she has a warrant out for her arrest . Her solution to that is to hide from the police , believing that if she can avoid being picked up for three years it 'll go away ( Shawn has done some research into that belief and is pretty certain it 's untrue ; there doesn 't seem to be a statute of limitations on probation violations ) . After the funeral she had her friend bring her to our house with all of her stuff . She was sad , but we invited her friends to stay for a while and eat with us . We had a nice dinner with them and the whole family . After dinner they left , and she got on the computer again , but when it was time for bed , she wanted stay in the house , not go to the trailer . Shawn told her that was fine , but if she was in the house she would have to sleep with me . She wanted to be alone , not with me , so he told her it had to be the trailer . She was quite angry . He tried explaining nicely that with the charges she made against her brothers and him that she couldn 't sleep in the house . We had to maintain a distance that left no chances . She finally went to the trailer , but was quite angry at us . That night Shawn came up with another solution . He would get a camera and install it in the hallway to the spare bedroom , configured to record all movement . That way she could sleep in the house because if she made any rape allegations we 'd have proof that it hadn 't happened ( her previous allegations had been that she was raped while asleep ; she is capable of defending herself while awake , so we really only had to solve the sleeping arrangement question ) . The next morning , Tuesday , day before yesterday , Makae came in the house from the trailer and got on the computer first thing . The internet sometimes slows down due to the valley where we live not having good service . It made her extremely angry and she started swearing quite obscenely about it . I asked nicely for her to not swear . She said that she would cuss because it was part of who she was , something she was proud of and that if I really loved her I would accept all aspects of her , not just the ones I liked . I disagreed and told her that swearing was a choice and not inherent to her character or personality . She said her boyfriend had loved her foul mouth , her piercings , her tattoos , her green hair , her rebelliousness and that she should never change and she was going to honor his memory by never changing . I told her that was her choice but if she was in our home the rule was no bad language and she would have to obey that . She continued to get angry and asked why we wanted her back here if we couldn 't accept her the way she was , or love her . I told her we did love her and we did accept her , but that didn 't mean we had to lower the standards of our home , anyway . . . she got more upset and finally Shawn got involved . He eventually lost his temper and told her to get out . She refused , and said that we 'd always hated her , that we were so terrible to her her whole life , that we were horrible to her . He got really upset at that and said " You know what ? I am done . I try and try and try , and you never meet us halfway or any way . From this point on I no longer have a daughter . " Of course that went over well . I kept telling him to calm down and go away , that I would handle it . At this point she decided she was leaving and was crying and a mess . It really hurt her feelings . And she was already upset because of her boyfriend . Shawn immediately felt terrible and tried to apologize and tell her he said it in a moment of anger , but she wouldn 't let him take it back . She said she 'd been waiting for years for him to say that , and had always known that he didn 't want her . She wanted all of her stuff and was leaving right then . I finally managed to coax her back inside and settle down a bit . We talked a bit , and she decided that she can 't stay with us , that it won 't work because she is always so angry with us . She feels like she is never good enough . I tried to explain that we don 't feel that way , but she would have none of it . She said some pretty hurtful things as well . Things like we never wanted her , never loved her . That she has no good memories of us or her childhood . She said all of the times we tired to get her help in hospitals , or rehab centers or even with medications was nothing more than abandoning her and that we had done it her whole life . She told us we were the worst parents and could never love her unless we could love and accept all of the choices she made - - choices that , frankly , she made specifically because we thought they were bad ideas . She talked about how doctors know nothing , how meds do nothing but screw her up . She talked about how our religion had done nothing but make her feel guilty her whole life . She was finally proud of who she was , her identity defined by her body modification , profanity , promiscuity , and drugs . As I listened I thought she really does need help . What clearer evidence than the fact that she so completely lacks any sense of identity that she has to define herself in terms of such shallow characteristics , every one of them chosen in direct opposition to our ideals . Essentially , her identity is her opposition to our beliefs . Even more , she deliberately seeks out the opposition in every interaction with us - - even when we 're not opposed . As an example , she once screamed at Shawn that we 're terrible people because we want to deny gay people the right to be married , and continued her tirade even after Shawn said we wanted no such thing and had plans to attend my brother 's marriage to his partner ( Shawn was their wedding photographer ) . But it didn 't matter that her point of opposition was false , she wanted to make us out to be terrible . We have been careful not to criticize any of her choices , trying to get her to understand that we love her regardless of whether or not we think she 's choosing well . But she consistently forces the issue , demanding that we must agree with and even like her choices , because if we don 't , that means we don 't like or love her . I 'm not sure if this is because she 's testing , as borderline sufferers often do , to see if people will stick by her no matter how much she abuses them , as a way to prove that they care , or if she has no identity of her own so these choices really are , to her , the totality of her value as a person . I think maybe it 's some of both . Either way , she 's really unhealthy , but I can 't force treatment because it won 't work unless she wants it too . We finally got her to agree to see a psychiatrist and perhaps a therapist , though she said that she hates medications and probably won 't take them . Shawn also offered to help pay for an apartment for her since if she can 't live with us we don 't want to see her on the street . Homelessness is never good , and in Utah where it gets so cold , it is worse . She got on the internet and found a friend who was willing to let her move in if we paid part of the rent . Afterwards I left for a little while to help my mom . About 30 minutes later , Shawn called and asked if I had any plain , unscented chapstick , because Makae was upset that the new tattoo she had gotten in remembrance of her boyfriend had begun to dry out and crack and she needed to put something on it . I told him I had some in my purse but that I thought that was the only unscented chapstick I had . I came back , although it turned out that she couldn 't use what I had . She then became quite agitated , insisting that she had to leave right then to get some ointment that would help . She went into a full blown panic attack , unable to control her emotions , or her thought processes , and even sort of had some tics . I agreed to drive her down to Ogden and buy her some ointment for fresh tattoos . She yelled at me the whole time I was getting in the truck to go . She yelled at me for not moving fast enough or caring about her or anyone else and just myself . She yelled at me because I didn 't have any chapstick , and then for not knowing she needed the ointment when I arrived . When I told her I thought it was pretty selfish to think that I should know what she and her dad talked about when I was gone she got really angry and made some completely nonsensical comments about how it was my responsibility to know these things , and not her fault . I harrumphed at that and she went on for the whole way down the canyon about how I never listen and that only with us does she get so out of control . I finally told her that she was the only one who wouldn 't let the subject drop , and she kept yelling at me to shut up and let her calm herself down , and that I never let her . Anyway . . . she was just mentally out of control . Not violent physically , but mentally . We finally made it to the store and bought her ointment . Then she said she couldn 't go back up and told me to drop her off at a friends house . At this point I had been yelled at and verbally attacked for most of the day so I was happy to . I dropped her off , and went home . I spent the afternoon thinking and wondering and second guessing my actions and thoughts . She contacted me later to say that we could meet the girl she wanted to move in with today and that would we please bring all of her stuff to her , and asked me to wash all of her clothes for her . I did . I got on the computer later to see that she had posted on facebook that her parents were willing to pay someone to let her live with them if it would just get her out of our lives , that is how much we hated her . She told us how much all of her friends hated us , because of how we treated her . It hurts . I won 't say it doesn 't . But last night I actually felt a little peace . I felt like God would watch out for her and that , no matter what , he knew her problems and that he loved her and that he would sort through things . The saddest realization of the day is that Makae is so unhappy because she is searching for it in all the wrong places . She wants someone to give her value , she wants things to make her happy , to feel something other than shame , and yet she makes choices that only produce more shame . It 's a vicious downward cycle . The things that would give her self worth and true happiness she rejects vehemently as things we have tried to " shove " down her throat her whole life . I 'm not even talking about religion , although I think God would help her if she would allow it , but just everything about having a normal , stable life . We met her new roommate today . The place was clean and well kept . It smelled good . The girl seemed to have it together . She is going to college and has a job . She knows Makae and her issues and is very patient with her . I hope it really works for Makae , that she can find some stability . We will look into doctors , but again it is really up to Makae to make it work . She isn 't willing to take medications , even though if she 's having hallucinations she clearly needs them . I wish that she could see how much love we have for her . When talking to Shawn about how terrible he felt about the things he said , I said " She may hate us all of our lives here on earth , but when we get to the other side she will realize why we did what we did . She will see the love we had / have for her and that we only wanted her happiness . She will know how much we cared , and how hard we have tried to show her that . She will not be angry or hate us ; she will finally recognize us for what and who we are , and I hope for what and who she is . I wish she didn 't have to go through this life with a broken mind . I wish she didn 't have the issues she does , but I have to have faith that God knows why . . . and however unfathomable to me there is a good reason for it . I know he will not leave her abandoned , any more than we can . We just don 't always see it , just as Makae doesn 't always see us . " Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers . She needs help and we are only able to do so much . She could use all the help she can get . Nov 25th - My dear sweet grandpa Merritt passed away this morning . It is so hard and yet so wonderful . He has wanted to go for so long . I will miss him terrible . I have been so blessed to have him as a grandpa for 24 years . He has been so good to me . He is happy though . He is with Grandma Wanda , and Merrilee and Jill and all of his brothers and parents . What a wonderful reunion he is having . Oh I am so grateful for that knowledge . We all saw him on Wednesday of last week , well all of the boys and I , Shawn was out of town . He loved seeing the boys . I saw him of Friday . He told me that day he wasn 't getting better . I told him it would be okay if he went . But he said he was scared of that as well . He didn 't feel good . We should have visited on Sunday but we had tithing settlement and then . . . poor excuses . I made plans to see him today . I have loved seeing him this past few months so regularly . We have gone multiple times per week and sometimes every night . I will always cherish the times I had to be with him . He blessed my life so much . Ethan 's school put on Peter Pan as the musical this year . They did a really good job . Ethan was Mr . darling . He did a great job as well . He was very dedicated to his role and he worked hard . We went twice to see it . Well a total of three . I went with Mom , then Shawn went with his Mom , then I went with Lill and then again with Alicyn . They put it on 4 times . Boy do I need blessings and help to overcome my faults . One of them is Simmering Resentment . I know it is wrong , and I talk it through and I know with my head that this is the way it is , but then my heart hurts and all of the pent up hurt feelings come out , and I realize I haven 't really cleared things up yet . I don 't know how long it will take . I do try . I try to see the good side of people . I try to be nonjudgemental , I try to look through their eyes , but sometimes I 'm human and I just see it so differently and " They are wrong and should fix it " comes out . My biggest areas I struggle with are in family relationships and religion . The person who has sinned I can allow to repent with no problem . I give them the benefit of the doubt . But when it is personal and I know they know better it gets to me . I have certain standards that I think are important , and I know others peoples standards aren 't the same as mine , but somehow I think they should be . I have to admit that I was quite upset with Shawn 's parents for wanting to be gone all the time instead of with family . I know that is wrong . I love them , and I know they love us , and I know they are truly enjoying this time of their lives together . I want them to enjoy it . I want them to be happy . . . yet because I put so much emphasis on family togetherness I find it hard not to put that on them as well . My dad has frustrated me the past few weeks . His way of dealing with disappointment hurts not only him , but Mom and Cole as well . How can someone so knowledgeable about the gospel and Christ 's teachings not see another 's side of things . How can he think by cutting someone off you are helping them . Doesn 't he realize only by love and example will he ever teach his son of his love ? But then I do the same thing in holding on to resentments . I am having problems with my sister for divorcing her husband and being so unwilling to even consider him changing or trying . I feel like the marriage covenant is so sacred you work and work at it . That God will bless you in making it work . She doesn 't feel the same and although I can see her side of it , and I can understand how hard it is for her , and I love her dearly , I get so angry about it , which is stupid because it doesn 't really effect me and it isn 't my decision or place . I have family members on both sides that have left the church . It bothers me a lot . I feel like they are lost to me . I look at my life and think about all the things that have happened and I think if anyone has a reason to be mad at God it is me . And I do get mad at him , but I never doubt his church . I never doubt iIt is one thing I am working on , I really am . I am sure I have plenty of things for them to resent as well . I know my side of the family says I 'm great except for my epistles . That is what they have dubbed my letters to them . We manage to work through it . I guess that is what really counts its managing to work through it and love them in spite of the things we don 't like . And in all reality the resentment mostly comes out when I am down and overwhelmed and I think I need people to help me and the ones I want to rely on aren 't there because of choices they have made . I guess that is what it boils down to is personalization , and expectations . Sometimes I have to remind myself about my sessions with Cassandra and the things I learned there . My though patterns are just as bad as some of Makae 's . Anyway . . . . this post is not to make anyone feel bad , it is just I know I need to work on things . I know I have to fix these things , and I am trying , it just takes time . Please know I don 't hate you , I just have feelings I need to come to terms with . It isn 't you - - It 's me . First week of November - - Grandpa is such a positive example for me . We have seen him regularly and almost daily since he went to the rehab center . He is still holding on , but not really improving . Getting slowly worse . He stays in bed at all times and never gets up . He is confused a lot of the time . the other day when we went to visit him he wanted to go home to his house . He couldn 't believe that he would have sold it . He has and infection that causes severe diarrhea that he caught from the facility and he has been in terrible pain that way for a while . They put his back on Hospice . Most days though he is cheery . He has such an upbeat personality . I sure do love him . He is in the nursing side of the facility until his infection clears up and then they will move him to a new place . He always knows who we are though and is so excited to see us . Dad got a letter in the mail the other day from a psychiatrist in Florida congratulating him on the marriage of his son . What a way to find out . Cole and David 's announcement was in the New York times . This person had seen it and was writing a book about straight parents with Gay kids and wanted to know if they would be interested in being interviewed . Needless to say , but no . That set off a firestorm . He thought Mom knew , and was quite upset , and when she said no , she didn 't know , she confronted me . So I told the whole thing and shared with her the whole thing and the why . Dad was mad no one had told them . I finally told him because we wanted to avoid exactly what was happening . He cut off Cole for a while . He is hurting , Mom is hurting and Cole is hurting . Got to the point that Cole said he wasn 't coming home for Christmas . Been trying to work through all of this with them . All I can do is hope and pray . God has to soften hearts on both sides . Makae broke up with James after he physically hurt her . She found a new boyfriend but has been homeless . I really don 't like her on the streets , especially as winter is coming on . We met her one night to give her her stuff and also bought her a warm sleeping bad and mattress and some stuff . She was upset because she thought we would turn her in . I don 't know why she thinks that . If we were going to turn her in , we would have already done that . A few days after that her boyfriend was killed in a hit and run accident on his skateboard . It really hurt Makae . She called us and we went and got her . We took care of her for a bit and then she wanted to go back down and be with all their " Street family " so we took her . They put her up till the funeral . After the funeral she wanted to come back home . We said okay . She also said she was willing to go into rehab , so we started finding places we could go to help her fulfill her probation requirements and also got her off the street and get her some help . We found a place and took her down to meet them . So we picked her up and took her down to the place and looked around . She talked to the counselor privately and then came out and said nope , not for her . She told him she has been having hallucinations and hearing voices , and that only marijuana keeps that at bay . Her wants her to have a full psychological evaluation . That is all good , but it wont fulfill her probation requirements or solve her housing issues or get her the help she needs . She told him even more she didn 't want to be in rehab . So why did we go through all of the work to set everything up if she was just going to say no . It is just so sad . She went back to her friends house to party . I can 't imagine she is happy , but there is so little I can do about that . We saw a picture today that she drew of the demons in her life . She explained the details , and part of it is her feat of her dad and brother . I don 't get that . But she also drew blue around the demon because her mother always turns to God to fix her wayward dKristanne Willden After Cole and David left , Shawn and I stuck around for a couple of days and we took time to see parts of New Jersey that we had never seen before . It is a beautiful state . And of course we were there at the perfect time for fall colors . We went to see some of the historic sites first . We went to the Princeton Battlefield , where a major victory was won during the revolutionary war . Then we headed out to the Crossing of the Potomac state park . There is a park on both sides of the river , one on New Jersey and one in Pennsylvania . The one on New Jersey side is more natural and rustic with a few of the original sites being maintained , like the trail to Princeton , and the well and house that were on the site . The other site has built up homes , and tents and is more of a reenactment of the events . We saw a little of both . Then we just drove around and looked at the beautiful scenery on that side of the state . It was so pretty . Beautiful rolling hills , and farmland , and so many woods . The second day we headed along the Eastern side and drove down the coast . And I mean most of the coast . We could see where the last hurricane had really caused a lot of damage . Houses were completely gone , and streets as well . Some of the coastal towns were nice , some were pretty seedy . We stopped in Atlantic city for lunch and it was less than stellar . The city itself was less than stellar . It all looked pretty run down . I think it has fallen on hard times . The casino 's were practically empty , and no one was on the boardwalk either . Course it was rather chilly . We continued on down the coast till we got to Cape May . I really wanted to see the quaint little town , but by the time we got there , we didn 't have much time so we went to the state park instead . It was beautiful and I really enjoyed it . We thought we would walk around the town and get some supper afterwards , but apparently it is off season and not a lot of the places were open . On the last day we cleaned up Cole 's place really really well , got a car to rent , and drove to an art gallery and then up to the airport . The gallery was all sculpture gardens , and the gardens were quite nice . Throughout it was sculptures from different people but mostly from one artist , who took people from everyday life and put them throughout the gardens . They were very good . There was one of a college girl laying on the grass with her earphones in , and she looked so real I had to do a double take . There were quite a few like that . He also did some sculptures of famous painting . They were nice as well . There was a little restaurant at the gardens called RATS . It was terrific food . And it was busy for a Tuesday . This is the view from the patio where we ate at RATS . It was so pretty . Then we headed up the state to JFK , caught our flight and headed home . It was a nice week , all in all . I was going to mention that on the first day Shawn and I got honked at over and over , and we couldn 't figure out why . Then we remembered we were in Cole 's car and it said " Just Married " on the back window . Not only that but it had two grooms holding hands stickers . I 'm sure to motorists that passed us looked at us and thought , wow . . . . Funny gay couple , she looks female . Anyway the second day we cleaned it off so we didn 't get honked at the whole time . On October 25th , Cole got married to his long time partner David Adler . Shawn and I went out for the wedding , and Charlene went out to see Meagan and they all drove up for the day . Shawn and I stayed with Cole . It was a nice day . Shawn met some people from google in New York , so I didn 't feel too guilty about not telling Mom the whole truth , just that Shawn had some meeting and we were going to stay with Cole while we were there and then see some of New Jersey . That was all true . Cole decided a while ago not to tell Mom or Dad about his marriage . First he didn 't want to hurt them any more than they already were , and second he couldn 't see how it would help there relationship at all . We all agreed . We knew dad would pull into himself and become distant , and not be able to deal with Cole for awhile , and we knew Mom would be accepting and loving , but be terribly hurt and worry about it and be depressed , so we all kept it quiet . Besides that it wasn 't our place to tell them . Cole told us all to begin with that he would love to have us all there , but if we didn 't feel like we could go and be happy with him to please not come because this was a happy day for him and he didn 't want anything to ruin it . He even offered to buy tickets for Alicyn and Lillie Ann . Alicyn couldn 't go given her situation and Lill decided she would stay with Mom . I am glad I was there . They had it at a nice place in Princeton . They had a brief but not too long ceremony , then a luncheon and then toasts . Cole had asked me to give a toast for his family . I was really worried about how it would go , we don 't do those at Mormon weddings , but it all went okay . I toasted them with my own blessing and with sparkling cider . I also wanted to be true to my beliefs . I think being there showed Cole more love than anything I could have done . He needed family there . And the day was nice if sad in a way for me . Cole paid a loverly compliment to Mom and Dad . He said that even though his parents weren 't there and couldn 't agree with his choice , that everything heWe went out a few days before the wedding and spent some time with Cole and his friends . I met David 's mom and she was really a neat lady . And Dana , Cole 's friend from high school was there with her partner Madeline and we spent a lot of time with them as well . It was a different group than I am use to , but I enjoyed it and again was glad I was there . Cole 's friends are very nice and care about him deeply . I am glad he has a family away from home , even if it makes us jealous at times . They get him more than us . Charlene and David 's sister signed the wedding certificate and let me tell you his sister was a hoot . She is the living " Nanny Fran " She has the bronx accent , and dresses very to the T . She is really outgoing and she just reminded me of so many things from the television show . David 's father and his wife were there as well . They too were very nice . Shawn took all the pictures for the wedding and I think they turned out pretty good . Wow . . . . . The past few weeks have been filled with Death . First Charlene 's father in law died , and then my cousins Lynn and her husband Jack Hannum died within 12 hours of each other , both battling diseases they have had for a long time , and then Lill 's Father in Law has a massive Stroke and dies suddenly . Grandpa I expect to go before the end of the year , but he is still holding on . It 's just all at once and so many and it was just shocking to me . The Divorce part comes from Alicyn . She has decided to Divorce Chad . It breaks my heart . I know she hasn 't been happy for a while , and I know that Chad can be hard to deal with , but he really loves her and he hasn 't changed from when she married him . He still does the same things , acts the same way . . . It 's not like she didn 't know what she was getting into . I think when she decided to have kids and introduce new things into her life , he just wasn 't ready and couldn 't handle it as a normal adult , after all he is not normal . But he agreed to it all because he loves Alicyn . I know she feels like she is the only parents and that she has 4 kids . I get that . I know that he annoys her , but I also know that is isn 't one sided . She hasn 't been very nice to him for years . She hasn 't treated him with respect for years . He of course has let his mother rule his life even when married , and whatever she said went . That wasn 't good either . The kids don 't show Chad much respect either which isn 't good . I have felt so badly that I finally wrote a message to her . I don 't think she liked it . I do think what she is doing is wrong . I think she made an eternal vow and needs to do all she can to make it work , but she is now not even willing to try . He is heartbroken and so upset , and she just doesn 't seem to care . It all came to a head because they haven 't been paying bills again and lost the house , and she figured is she had to move , she was not moving with him . I thought she would be pretty mad at me for expressing my opinions . I did tell her I loved her and would support her no matter what Anyway . . . . All of this has been hard , along with us visiting grandpa every day . I have felt overwhelmed a bit as well . Things will kept better , they always do . Grandpa fell on September 19th and broke his hip . He rang the button and they came and got him and called Kelly , Susan 's brother , not son . Susan is up in Boise at their private campground . Kelly took him to the hospital . They decided there was nothing they could do for him that late , so they gave him a lot of pain medication and waited for the next day . Kelly let us know and Shawn and I took the morning off and went to see grandpa and spend time with him . We visited for quite some time and finally got him to agree that he needed to have surgery to fix it . He has been feeling down and talking about dying for so long , he sort of thought that if he didn 't do anything he would die from this . He would eventually , but it would be a long slow death , because he was bed ridden and not because his hip was broke . After talking and talking to him we finally convinced him he needed the surgery . His other concern was it was so expensive and it would take money away from the kids ' inheritance . What a guy . He had the surgery Friday afternoon . Before the surgery Shawn and Kelly gave grandpa a blessing . In it he was told that god was pleased with him and that whatever God wanted for him , to stay or to go , we would be happy with that decision too . It was really touching and I think Grandpa really appreciated it . Shawn and I went to get some lunch while it was happening , and we ran into Kelly and Jeff , and then Tonya and her husband . When grandpa got out of surgery he was pretty incoherent . He said he wasn 't in much pain . So they didn 't give him much pain medication , but all of Saturday he was pretty out of it . He was mumbling and jerking . That is what really upset me the most was he was jerking so much . He seemed so close to death and I was sad , but not . Sunday he wasn 't much better . They determined he had a urinary tract infection and that his kidney 's were shutting down . The put him on an antibiotic and also gave him liquids . He didn 't seem to know anyone , can 't finish a sentence and isn 't sure where he is or what happened , but hSusan finally found a way to come down and we went and picked her up at the airport on Friday night . Her dad really wanted her there and I was glad she found a way to get there . It would be nice if grandpa could die . We would miss him a lot but he is so ready to go and hasn 't been really happy for the last year , and has felt useless . It would be nice it he could be with his wife and daughters and parents again . They finally decided on moving grandpa to a recovery center because he wasn 't good enough to go back to Apple Tree , but the hospital didn 't want to keep him . They moved him over to Crestwood , which is good facility . It has been remodeled since Jill was there , and it is very nice . We visited him everyday and he seems more with it , but he still forgets he broke his hip , and sometimes doesn 't know where he is , and sometimes he gets really confused as well . Cade got a job at J 's . It 's the local drive - in . He wasn 't excited to be working in food , but they need people during the day as most of their employees are high school students and it works out great for him and it is close so he doesn 't have to drive forever to get to work . His boss is great and Cade has decided he actually likes it . They have completely remodeled the place . It was originally Jay 's when I first moved to Morgan and then he left it to his daughter Stephanie Nance , and it became Steph 's . Someone bought it from her and eventually Blain Smith bought it . And they named it J 's in a tip of the hat to the original owners . I think it will work well for Cade and I am excited that he took the initiative to find a job on his own . Ethan 's homecoming Ethan had his homecoming in September . He volunteered for extra credit to be part of the drill team for the powder puff game . I got some pictures but they were far away He and all the boys did a great job . He is the one in the red shorts ( superman shorts ) and white tights . I was pretty impressed . Everyone was laughing and it was quite the dance . The next night was the dance and he took a german exchange student named Tamara Prieb . I think they had a great time . They had a limo rented , and went to the Timber Mine to eat , and then back to the dance . He got home late and said he really enjoyed it . I think she did too . So much fun to have him really enjoy his teenage years . The lady is Leslie Christiansen Heywood . I went to school with her , and when we were young , we were really good friends , not so much in high school . Tamara is living with them .

Leave a reply Dr . Gabriela Nola , Gabe to everyone , hadn 't been in town long . Kenton McCade was looking for a partner in his practice , and she was hoping to fill the spot . A nice small town beat the last hospital job she 'd just recently quit - 90 hours a week with a shorthanded staff . She just wanted normal , and the voice in her head to stop already about opening the box and wearing the item inside . Dalton McCade knew when he heard the dragon 's voice that he was next on the list , and ready or not his mate was coming . According to the dragon , she was already here and had refused to put the combs in her hair . But as always , danger followed the jewelry , and Gabe was no exception . The mysterious stranger would have all the pieces for his own collection , and didn 't care who he had to kill to get them . Emma Gentry felt like she was losing her mind . From the time she had picked up the pretty ring to examine it , she 'd been hearing a voice in her head . When she ran from the demolished building , she 'd slipped the ring on her finger so that she wouldn 't drop it , now she couldn 't get it off . She was in dire need of medical attention , but the voice wouldn 't let her stop to get help . There were others looking for the ring and would kill her for it . Emma was on the run . Kenton McCade was the doctor in the family . When found Emma in his office treating a badly infected wound on her leg , he had to help her . The infection had spread and she was near death . Kenton and his brothers were dragon shifters born without the ability to shift into their other half . The magic , it seemed , lay dormant in a sleeping dragon that was tied to six pieces of jewelry . When the ring found its way to Emma , her touch had woken the sleeping beast . When Emma touched Kenton 's sigil on his chest , he shifted to his beast for the first time . But the beast from the ring would not be complete until all the jewelry found its way to their rightful dragons … . Emma was still on the run … they need her to survive … but Emma trusted no one … Buy Link https : / / www . amazon . com / gp / product / B01C7E371A / ref = series _ rw _ dp _ sw Jasmine Tyler was wishing she had never found those earrings in that box of junk she bought at auction . They were so pretty , and the dragons had so much detail , that she simply had to try them on . That was the biggest mistake she 'd ever made . Once they were on they weren 't coming off . And those men in the black SUVs meant business . She 'd hand the earrings over or they 'd kill her . They 'd more than likely kill her anyway even if she could get the damn things off . Now she was on the run with her young son , Gavin , and her ailing granny . A voice in her head that started when she put the earrings on was directing her to find the McCades . The dragon had told Kenton and Jorden McCade that another piece of jewelry had been activated , and the boy that had just come into Jorden 's studio was her son . The dragon didn 't know which brother she was mated to , but she had sent the boy and her granny ahead to keep them safe . Now , another attempt had been made on her life and she was in a hospital an hour away . The cop at the scene had been in on it , and Jasmine found herself in a pickle . She 'd been drugged and there wasn 't a thing she could do about it . Her body hit the floor by her hospital bed and she was looking into the lifeless eyes of her nurse . As soon as Jorden scooped Jasmine up off the floor and her earring touched his skin , he knew that this woman was his . The earring left a brand , marking them both . He couldn 't be happier about finding her , now to convince her to stay was going to be the problem … . Harper Bailey was in way over her head , and the trouble just seemed to keep coming . Her brother - in - law had frozen her personal accounts , and now she was on the run because she wouldn 't do as she was " told . " She had been told to abort the baby . Harper hadn 't wanted the baby she had been forced to carry in the first place , but now that she 'd felt life , she would protect the child with hers . Grady McCade knew that his mate had been found when she touched the piece of jewelry . The dragon had told him that if he didn 't hurry to her side , she would be found by the dragon slayers and her life could be ended as well as the life of the babe that she carried . With Grady and Harper together , the dragon grows stronger , and the slayers pick up the pace in their quest for all the pieces of jewelry . Can the McCades stop them before they strike again ? Are any of them safe ? Find out in The McCade Dragon - Grady There were no words that he could say that would make this any different . Dalton watched as the casket , a beautiful bright wood , was lowered into the cold earth . His friend , mentor , and sounding board had died eight days ago . Howard Short simply went to sleep one night and didn 't wake . And it broke Dalton 's heart . " Dalton ? " He looked at Melinda , Howard 's wife , when she said his name . " Will you say a few words , please ? My brother - in - law just can 't . He 's devastated , as we all are . " " Yes , of course . " He stood up and made his way to the podium . So many people were here today , paying tribute to a wonderful man . Dalton thought of his friend and what he could say about him . Smiling , he thought of something that Howard would have gotten a kick out of . " Howard could be a jackass when he wanted . " Everyone laughed , just as he 'd hoped , even Melinda . He continued speaking about Howard as if he 'd just stepped out for a cold beer . " When we were on a stakeout or even out fishing , he 'd tell me of the time he was in the academy . Of course , I didn 't believe half the crap he told me . But this one story , I think , sums him up better than anything I could say about him . " Dalton looked at the casket , then at the people there . " He 'd been in the dorm for about two weeks , he 'd told me . It wasn 't going as well as he 'd hoped . I think he said that of the three classes he was in , he was flunking out of three of them . " Another round of laughter . " Back then , if you weren 't cutting it , Howard told me that they 'd come to see you , help you pack up your things , and send you on your way . He wasn 't ready to give up , he told me , and he didn 't think that they should be just yet either . " As he was debating on whether or not to open the door when his time came , he had an idea . Howard told me it wasn 't a good idea , but he 'd been down and was sure under other circumstances , he might not have done what he did next . He opened the door and told the men standing there that Howard Short had left . After he was finished , he stood still as the guns were drawn for the salute and fired . Dalton cried then , his pain of loss too much for him to hold in any longer . And when the service was over , he made his way to Melinda again and hugged her . She too had become a very important part of his life over the years . " You 'll come to visit me , won 't you ? " He told her he would . She was leaving today , to live with her son in another state . " He loved you so much , Dalton . Like his own son . " " I loved him as well . He 'll be sorely missed . " She nodded and left him there . Dalton could have gone to stand with his family , but decided that he was fine where he was . He watched as the dirt was filled into the hole much like the one in his heart . But his would never be filled . Going to the after reception at the newly remodeled homeless shelter , he didn 't speak to many people . There was food , he supposed , that he could have eaten , but like his heart , his belly wasn 't ready for anything right at the moment . Instead he just found a dark corner and sat in it until he felt it was a good time for him to go home . My lord . He wanted to sob . Dalton didn 't want to answer who he thought was talking to him . It could only mean one thing , and he didn 't want it . Not today , perhaps not ever . My lord , your mate is coming . " Tell her that I 've got a lot going on at the moment and I 'd prefer that she didn 't . " Caelin said nothing . " Where is she and what does she have ? " The hair combs , my lord . And I don 't think it 's possible for her not to come . She is on her way now . But I must tell you that she hasn 't put the jewelry to her flesh . I 'm not at all sure why just yet , but she is aware of me and is coming this way . He asked what the combs did for the wearer . She will have blood that will heal all that she touches , her heart will be stronger still than it was before . Her name is - " No , don 't tell me . I mean , I know that I 'll have to know sooner or later , but for now I 'd like to just not know . " Caelin You are without a job , sir ? He told him that he might well be . I don 't understand . I thought you enjoyed being a good cop . Whatever has … ? Is it the death of your captain ? " He was my sergeant , but yes , because of him passing away , I don 't think my heart will be in this anymore . I might … never mind . If she can support me , I think I might just make furniture in my garage until I turn up dead one morning . Or I 'll run off and never return . " Dalton realized then that she was out of work too . They were starting off great , he thought . Two unemployed people with a huge house , no car , and nothing to show for their hard work . When Vance sat down beside him , he asked him when he 'd gotten in . " Two days ago . I 've been working on some things . " Dalton nodded . " Rumor has it you 're the next big cheese around here . You gonna be sheriff now , Dalt ? " Vance had been the only person who called him that . It mattered little to him that Dalton had asked him not to call him Dalt … he had continued over the years . Dalton asked him where he 'd heard that rumor . " Because that 's all it is , is a rumor . I 'm not going to take the job . In fact , I was seriously thinking of quitting altogether . " Vance told him that he 'd not enjoy retirement any more than he would . " Caelin just told me that my mate is here in town . " " Really ? I 'm assuming that it 's the pretty little doctor at the B & B then ? " Dalton didn 't want to ask about her , but he found that he wanted to know . " Yes , she is pretty . Tall … not quite as tall as you , but close . Blonde hair that I assume is long . Dark eyes . I 've not seen them as yet close up , but I 'd say they were blue , like midnight blue . " " You know a great deal about my mate , Vance . What have you been doing , spying on her ? " He nodded . " Whatever for ? You think she 's some sort of murderer or something ? It wouldn 't surprise me . Not at this point . " " No , but she has baggage . " Dalton just stared at him . " Her job , where she worked before , they really have a hard - on whatever that might be . He did wonder if he could go work for him for a bit , just to figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life . " I guess I should just wait for her then . I mean , I don 't want to seem like that odd stalker guy . " Vance said he had no idea , but thought that was a smart move . He knew less about women than Dalton did , apparently . " Whatever you do , I 'm sure that it 'll be either wrong or not enough . I know nothing at all about women . " Dalton looked at his brother . He was clean but his pants were army issue , his shirt a dark tee , and his boots - ass kickers , he called them - had seen better days . Vance kept his hair military short and neat , and he seldom had a beard . Dalton asked him why he didn 't wear … well , regular people clothing . " I wear what I want , when I want . " Dalton laughed . " Look , whether you go and see her or not , you should know that she 's polite , generous with her time , and like you , she wears what she does right out there for everyone to see . " He asked him what that meant . " You are a cop , Dalt . Even a blind man could tell that . And they 'd not even have to see the badge . Same with her . She 's a doctor , a good one , and people know that when they first see her . " Dalton sat there long after Vance left , trying to figure out what to do . He could have , he supposed , just walked over to meet her , but he had a feeling that would have been a mistake . He was sure that he could talk to Kenton too , but decided that he 'd get enough grief from him without adding to it . Instead , he went to his truck and drove home . Dalton was going to enjoy the next few days he had off , and not worry about mates , dragons , or men looking for jewelry . ~ ~ ~ Gabe walked to the diner . She 'd come to love the little place , what with the strange way they served their meals and the nice people who worked in and frequented the place . As she made her way inside , she knew which seat to sit in , which to avoid . When she sat in the booth with the unforgiving spring , she moved to the windhopefully the house that she 'd been looking at was ready to be rented . Things were going quite nicely for a change , and she was as rested and as happy as she 'd ever been . " Oh lordy . " Gabe looked up when she heard the shout from the kitchen , then Milly saying " Oh lordy " over and over . Getting up , she ticked off all the things that could go wrong in a kitchen , and was afraid that Milly had been hurt badly . As soon as she entered , she put her fingers in her mouth and let go of a shrill but effective whistle to shut the few people in the room up . A dishwasher was wearing the nastiest apron she 'd ever seen and dark gloves on his hands . Milly was standing there wringing her hands . A man , who she assumed was the cook , was lying on the floor with a large knife sticking out of his belly , his hands covered in his own blood and his eyes wide with terror . Gabe let her mind take over on what to do . " Milly , call the police and have them send an ambulance . " She 'd learned the first day that there was no one manning the nine - one - one service just yet . " Then I want you to get everyone out of here while I fix this . " " The knife , it just slipped up . " Gabe nodded and told her she had it . " He 's surely gonna bleed to death , and Kenton , he won 't make it in time . " " I 'm a doctor as well . I 've got this . Just do what I told you . " She made her way to Cook . If he had a name , she 'd never heard it . " I 'm Gabe . If you 'll allow me , I 'll see if I can help you . " " I think I 'm a goner . The knife , it 's stainless steel but it 's in me . " She told him as long as she was there , he wasn 't a goner . " I wasn 't paying no attention is what I was doing . Thinking of my boy and what we was gonna do when he was a mite bigger . Now I won 't see him . " He was getting weaker ; the arm that was holding him up slipped out from under him and he fell back to the floor . Gabe got her first look at the wound . He 'd cut his belly to his intestine , the knife still inside of him . Turning to the person who 'd " Uncle Kenton is on his way . He said for you to do what you needed to do and he 'd assist when he gets here . " She wasn 't sure how that conversation had happened but said nothing to the young man . " I told him what I could . " " You can … . You 're not human . " He told her he was but Kenton wasn 't . " I see . Right now I have more important things to do than to figure out what he might be . This is what we need to do . Christ , there is never a vampire around when you need one . " The laughter made her smile . It was one thing to scare the kid to death over something like this , but making him see humor wouldn 't give him nightmares too . As she moved the towels around the blade , all she could think about was that he might be right … Cook might die . When Kenton showed up , his black bag in hand , he asked her what she needed . It both surprised and impressed her that he didn 't just come in and take over . For the next twenty minutes , he handed her what she wanted and helped her when necessary . The impromptu surgery room wasn 't the best , but it was going to be good enough to save this man 's life . The medics , a couple of young men who she assumed were friends of Kenton , stayed back until they were ready to transport him . It wasn 't long after Kenton showed up that they were able to say that they 'd done the best that they could for the man . The rest was going to be up to the surgeon . Gabe rode in the ambulance , Kenton beside her . The medic rode in front with the driver , so in the event that they needed to , they 'd have room to work . As they worked together , she and Kenton , Cook came around once to tell Kenton to watch over his son for him . " You 're going to make it , Gerald . " She nearly asked who that was when the cook nodded . " The good doctor here , she got you all put back together , and once we get you to the hospital , she 's going to remove that knife you got stuck in you and you 'll be as good as new . But you have to believe us , Gerald . You know as well as I do that if you give up on her , Sand " You 'll learn . Gerald is a wolf . There is a lot of pack around the area . Nearly seven hundred now . The people who own the B & B where you 're staying , they 're bears . Milly is human , but she 's married to a cat . " She asked him what his family was . " My brother is a cop . He 'll be meeting us at the hospital . He has to fill out a report for insurance purposes . Milly owns the place , and while she 'd never tell anyone this , she 's fallen on some hard times of late and can 't afford this hit to her bank account . " " She needs to fix up the place . Expand a little , and for the love of all that is holy , get some better seating . " Gabe didn 't point out that he 'd not answered her as to what he was . She figured that he either didn 't want her to know , or it was so bad that he didn 't want to share . " I 'm looking for a house . One that is ready to move into . I don 't want to have to fix something up . " " We have a few . We 're here . " Just as he said that , the ambulance made a hard stop . Had she not been holding on , she would have fallen out of the door when it opened . The man standing there in a police officer 's shirt and jeans did not look happy . " Dalton , this is my new partner , Gabriela Nola . Gabe , this is Dalton McCade . We 're dragons . " She was halfway out of the back of the ambulance when Kenton spoke . Gabe felt her breath swoosh out of her and her heart simply stop beating . She knew they were speaking , arguing really , but nothing was getting through . Not air , not sound , not even blood was running in her body . Then the pain , like someone had slapped her , registered a split second before the world around her just disappeared . Leave a reply Emma Hudson wanted to get this over with . Her father had left her in a jam , and the sooner she dropped off his duplicate trucker log books to the Harrisons , the sooner she could get back to work and try to clear her name . Trucking was all she knew , and she was tired of it . Liam Harrison watched the pretty little thing climb into her truck to get the books , but when she slipped and fell back into his arms with a life - threatening cut on her arm , he knew two things : she was his mate , and she would die if he didn 't convert her right now . And when a string of rest stop murders brings an old vampire friend back into the family 's fold , he informs them Emma was next . It was time to park the truck . They all knew that Emma 's father would come sniffing around to try to swindle her out of more money , it was just a matter of time . But how far would he go to get what he wanted ? Riordan Harrison can 't believe it . Everyone is pissed at him and he doesn 't see what the fuss is all about . All he did was tell the woman that she was his mate . He couldn 't help it that his tiger caused him to pin the woman to the counter and she proceeded to throw him to the ground and cover him with sticky pastries . Now , no one will talk to him , including his secretary . He hasn 't claimed the woman yet , and it is all seeming like it 's more trouble than it 's worth . Storm Browning , Stormy to her friends , is a wounded war hero . She 's done her duty and just wants to live a quiet life ― run her little bakery without any hitches . The majority of the men she commanded in the war had been shifters so she wasn 't surprised when the big oaf sniffed her out claiming that she was his mate . But that doesn 't mean she has to agree with it . What else could she do ? He had to go . He 'd hightail it and run anyway when he saw her scars ― they all did . She couldn 't emotionally handle that , not again at any rate . But if Riordan is going to get back on everyone 's good side , he 'll have to make peace with the woman . Even though he thinks he 's innocent , he 'll go for a visit and maybe apologize , but after he gets there things go from bad to worse . Stormy is targeted for assassination and he 's in the line of fire … . Cormac Harrison , Mac to his family and friends , has a good thing going . He has a brand new home , a successful business , and is truly happy with the direction his life is heading . Andi Collins can 't seem to catch a break . The last time she 'd encountered her father , she 'd ended up in the hospital . Now , Stormy Harrison , is giving her a break and helping her get back on her feet . So when this big handsome man tells her that she 's his mate she 's scared to death . Mate . She 'd heard the term before . And what it meant . She would belong to him . Not just him , but whoever he wanted to sell her to . Andi reached for the door handle , thinking that rolling from a moving car would be better than being passed around like a napkin at a banquet hall . " Don 't do that . " He reached for her hand just as she touched the handle . " Please , just listen to me and I 'll explain . " " I don 't need you to explain . I know what mate means . My friends at school , they told me what happens when you become a mate to men . And what they didn 't tell me , my father and aunt explained the rest . Mates use you , and then when they 've had enough , they pass you around to all the other men they know . I won 't have it . " The car suddenly stopped . Her seatbelt cut into her neck , and she nearly hit her head on the dash it stopped so abruptly . Nikki Neal was damn good at her job . As an undercover cop , she had just about enough information to put the local crime boss away , but she needed more to make it stick . But when someone blew her cover , Nikki found herself on the wrong end of several guns . Aedan Harrison was on the fast track to winning the Governor 's seat for the state of Ohio . He had his whole life , or at least his immediate future , planned out . What he didn 't need was a mate he hadn 't made plans for throwing a monkey wrench into the mix . The last thing Nikki needed was an overbearing jackass ordering her about , and telling her how much he didn 't need her in his life right now . Well , she didn 't need him either . She had work to do and needed to get herself and her grandda to safety . It didn 't take long for Aedan 's family to convince him in the error of his ways , and when he saw what he 'd done he felt like an ass . All he wanted to do was make it right , but could he grovel enough for her to accept him ? Brooke Rickson had been working the pottery wheel and pulling clay with her great - grandfather almost as long as she could remember . Her work was famous even though no one really knew who she was . She preferred it that way and had become a recluse since her great - grandfather died . He had left her everything . Mac Harrison loved rare pottery , and when he landed two tickets to the big art show he was thrilled . He could get his prized Rickson pottery piece appraised and get to see new work at the same time . He brought his brother , Darcy , along for the ride . When Darcy caught Brooke 's scent , he knew he 'd found his mate . Unfortunately , the beautiful recluse made no bones about telling him that she was alone and liked it that way , and that no man was barging in and taking over her orderly life . She was living her life just the way she wanted it and that didn 't include taking orders from a man - any man . He could get that thought right out of his head … . Liam loved the house . He walked through it once more , just to be sure that he wasn 't feeling something that wasn 't there . Nope , he thought to himself , he loved this place . Trying hard not to show how much he did , he walked around the big empty living room once more to calm himself and his inner cat . There wasn 't any point in giving away his happiness before making an offer . " This room alone is nearly as big as the house that I live in . " The realtor smiled at him . " What do you think , Mr . Harrison … is this a place you can put down roots ? " " I 'm not sure . " He thought that he sounded like he was bored and had to take a deep breath before continuing . " The kitchen needs to be redone . I mean , from the studs . There are going to be issues with the furnace and with the air conditioning as well before too much longer . Also , I think I saw rat droppings in the garage . " Which he knew wouldn 't be a problem once he moved in . He 'd bet by now , there wasn 't one within ten miles of the place . Him being a tiger tended to take care of that sort of thing . He asked her what the selling price was again , knowing full well what it was . " The house hasn 't been lived in for about four months … I believe that 's the time frame . And before that , I do believe that they had the place exterminated . If you 're seeing droppings , I 'm not sure where they came from . But the bank is very motivated to sell . They 're asking four hundred , but I think I can get them to go a little lower , but not too much . I do know that the house needs work . Like I said , it 's been empty for a few months while things were settled . " Liam nodded . He knew just exactly why it had been sitting , and that it had been a good deal longer than a few months . " I can go in at a lower price , but I believe they have multiple offers so I 'd not expect too much . " " All right then . Thank you for your time . " She took his hand when it was offered and Liam made his way to the door . " Wait . I don 't understand . Did you want me to make an offer ? Are you done with the house ? He told Storm that he was . Good . I think you should stop by our house . There is a large vehicle , and that 's an understatement , in the drive , and the person in it is asking for you . Not nicely , I might add . Hudson is her name . Why is she … ? You know what , I don 't care . She 's the woman that I was telling you about on the deal with Whites . She said she had some information on her father maybe picking up the loads that they 're missing . Any luck finding Mr . Hudson , by the way ? Storm told him she was still looking . He really fucked her over . Not the only one either , from what I 've been able to find out . But he did royally fuck her over with her job . She had a good rep , as you said , and he 's really taken her for a ride . Lost her house , car , as well as her savings trying to keep herself out of jail . I 'd like to find this fucker myself . Liam said that he would as well . She 's currently at her truck , walking around it . I don 't know why , but I kind of think that she 's had enough of the open road for a while . She looks beaten . Liam made a left to go to his brother 's home , and smiled when he thought of the temper of the woman , Hudson . When he 'd spoken to her last night - well , earlier that morning - he 'd been sleep confused , but hearing her voice and what she had to say had him getting up and going back to his computer . He was going to find her father if he had to do it on his own . The rig was parked in the long drive to his brother 's house . The woman was circling the back end , the place where the big trailer was attached . He watched her for several minutes as she moved around it like a little monkey , checking the lines and lights as she went . When she jumped down , she stared at him as he did her . Christ , she was beautiful . " Liam ? " He nodded at her question . " I was close enough to bring them to you , and I 'm not so trusting of the postal service on something like this . I need them back , so you know . I might need them should Daddy dearest come back for some more o " You 're cut deep . I have to heal you . " He heard Riordan caution him , but he was losing her and had to do something . As soon as she fainted , he shifted . The roaring in his head was making him sick . They were losing their mate and neither of them were happy about it . His cat whimpered but knew what to do . As soon as he licked the wound closed , tasting her blood as he did so , he seemed to realize at the same moment that she was too weak , that they 'd waited too long . Growling at the couple that were too close to them , his cat bit deeply into her belly , tearing it open as he did so . " Hurry , Liam . You 're going to lose her if you don 't . " He knew that and snarled at Storm , and she laughed . " Just trying to help . I 'm assuming that she 's your mate . " Yes . And I don 't want to hear you making fun of me just yet . He was pissy and wasn 't sure why , but he bit into her leg . Holding his mouth deep in the wound , he looked up at his brother . Riordan was afraid for him , and Liam didn 't feel any better about this . I have a feeling she 's not going to be thrilled when she wakes and finds out what I 've done . " More than likely not . But it was that or she was dead . I can hear her heart picking up , can you ? " He told him that he could . " Just a few more minutes now and you should be able to release her . I 'll take her inside and put her in the bedroom that you use when here . " Thank you . Riordan nodded and called to someone on the porch to bring out some blankets . Riordan , she 's got some pretty horrific memories in here . Mostly about her father . He took her for everything . And left her with living in this truck . " I know . I read the report Stormy found . When you release her , go in the house and shower and change . Once you are settled , I 'll bring you what we 've been able to find out . Also , Marcy Cochran called about the house . She wants you to make a reasonable offer . " Liam let the young woman go , but he wasn 't ready to leave her yet . Her heartrate had picked up and he could see the wound at " The courts went by the books on this . There is no fault according to them . She had to sell her house as well as her car , which wasn 't a new one but all she had , when the trucking dealership wanted all their money . The truck is still missing , it appears . " He asked if her father had it . " I 'm thinking not . I don 't know why , but I think he sold it for the money , and someone else is driving it that knows about trackers and such . Might be wrong , but I think that 's it . We have the LoJack information , and since we can 't find it that way , we 've come to the conclusion that it 's been taken out . Also , you know it is against the law . " If she thought that , then it was more than likely true . " I told Ennis not to worry about rushing now . I told him what happened , but not that she is my mate . " " He knows . So do your parents . " He asked her how that had happened . " Riordan was covered in blood when they showed up , Hudson 's blood , and your mom sort of freaked out . He had to tell them . " " I guess . I 'm trying to figure out what to tell her when she wakes up . " The woman on the bed stirred and he watched , sure that she was going to wake a great deal sooner than anyone would have expected . " I have to help her out . Of all of this . " " Liam , can I ask you a personal question ? " He just looked at her . " Okay , some of it I know . Like where you have some of your money invested . How much the books say you 're worth . But what is it you do ? I mean , I know you work for the family business when they need you , but that can 't be all that you do , is it ? " " I 'm a businessman . " She snorted at him . " Okay , I 'm a very good businessman . I invest low and sell high . For everything . I 'm good at bargaining on things as well . Like the house . I 'm going to get it , but not at the asking price . Then , if Emma doesn 't care for it , I 'll sell it for a great deal more than I purchased it for . " " Why would me liking your house have anything to do with whether or not you sell it ? " He grinned and saidmakes you have to save me . " He said that he would have anyway . " No , you wouldn 't have . Don 't lie to me . " " I can 't . " She nodded and sat up , but he could see that she was slightly dizzy . " You lost a great deal of blood , so you might want to take it easy for a few hours . You should try and drink a lot and have a light - " " Don 't order me around . " He leaned back in the chair and looked at her . " I 'm not … . I know you really didn 't , but I 'm starting to freak a little here . I 'm a fucking tiger . " ~ ~ ~ Hudson laid on the bed thinking about her life and what had just happened . " I don 't know what I 'm supposed to do . " " Me either . " She turned to her back and looked at him . " I 'm not going to apologize for converting you . I could , I guess , but you 're alive , and that 's the most important thing right now . I don 't know anything about you other than what I 've read in the information that Storm got for us when you called me . And you know even less than that about me . What would you like to know ? If anything . " " What was your name again ? " He told her . " All right , Liam . I 'm Emma Hudson , but I rarely go by my first name . I have no idea why , but that 's what they started calling me in middle school and that stuck . I drive cross country . Not as much as I used to , but sometimes I need the money more than I do anything . I had a home , but I had to sell it to pay for the rig that my father stole . Which he did , no matter what the courts say . " " Storm , my sister - in - law - and so you know , you met her when you came here - she doesn 't think he has it anymore . " She nodded , thinking that Storm had some good connections . " Your load you have now , you mentioned that it was a back run . Does that have to go out today ? " " Not today , but soon . I have to have it about six hours from here by noon tomorrow . " He leaned back in his chair . " What about me being a cat ? I mean , I can sort of feel something inside of me . What does that mean ? " " She 's letting you know that s " Yes . We feel that way as well . I 'd very much like it if you were to go with me to the house that I 'm thinking of buying . If it doesn 't suit you , then that 's fine as well . I have a place that I live in , it 's an apartment , if you 'll come stay with me for a time . " He cursed and she laughed . " There 's this big deal of a wedding next weekend . My brother Aedan is getting married . They 've been living together for a little while , but this wedding is going to be epic , I guess . " " Why ? " He told her how he was the governor of the state and that he was looking into becoming the president someday . " Wow . Your family , they have big plans . " " They do . We all do . " She nodded . " What is bothering you , Emma ? Is it something that I can fix ? Or do for you ? " " I 'm assuming that you all have money . " He nodded but didn 't say how much , which she thought was a good thing . " My father will get wind of this . Not that I 'm a cat , but that I 'm with someone with money , and he 'll come sniffing around . He 's not stupid , but he can play a person and get what he wants . No matter the cost to them . " " He can do that if he wants . But he won 't get away with it this time . I can promise you that . Nor will he hurt you , mentally , physically , or financially . " Hudson wasn 't sure , but she was almost afraid for her dad . " Will you take my hand ? Please ? " " What will that mean for us ? " He said that it would only be him taking her to the kitchen for food for now . " I feel something for you . I 'm not sure what it is , but I trust you . I want to be with you . Is that the cat in me ? " " Yes , for now anyway . I hope that later , you as a woman will feel something for me as well . We mate for life , and quickly . " She still wasn 't sure about this , none of it . " I want to take this slowly . I think it would benefit us both if we started out fresh , like we 're dating . I know that we 've gone beyond that , with me converting you and having this connection , but even my cat is okay with us doing it this wThere was a thick roast beef sandwich on a wonderfully fresh roll with lettuce , tomatoes , pickles , and onions . A bowl of french fries covered in a tomato sauce that was spicy as well as sweet . A large glass of the best tea that she 'd ever drank . She was just finishing off the last fry when June , the cook , asked her if she wanted peach or cherry pie . Hudson nodded . " Well , good for you . I have ice cream too should you want that . I 've not been to the creamery yet , so it won 't be homemade . " Hudson told her that she loved her . " Thank you , child . I 'm so glad to be cooking for the household again . The mister and missus have been away more than at home of late , and I 've missed it . " " You can cook for me whenever I 'm home . " Her face heated up . " I 'm sorry . I don 't know where I 'm going to be living or what the plan is . But this is the best meal I 've had in ages . And fresh pie too ? Well , I could easily kiss you for it . " After she ate both pieces of pie without the ice cream - she didn 't want to seem too piggish - her and Liam went to her truck . It was locked up , but as soon as she opened the door , she could see that someone had cleaned up after her . She asked Liam about it . " I had a friend of mine come over and fix the bent metal . He also put a new handle on for you . Then his wife - she 's the new alpha bitch for the wolf pack that roams our land - she cleaned up the rest for you . I think she was quite impressed with how much storage you have in there . " She told Liam it was necessary when she was gone . " I don 't imagine that it helped that you lost your house . " " He took me for a great many things . But my house was the most painful . " Climbing into the truck , she watched him walk around to the other side and get in . He commented on how roomy it was . " Yes . My dad complained a great deal about how crowded it was for him . And you 're much bigger . But he would have complained about it even if it had his recliner and a big screen television in front of him . " She showed him aroThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , book , Books , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day , Romance , Tigers on May 15 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Sterling : Calhoun Men Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Marty liked her life just fine . She was alone in the world , and waiting on tables would get her by until she finished college , but the girl she was training wasn 't working out . And the girl got her fired - now what was she supposed to do ? She needed that job to survive . Sterling Calhoun 's encounter with the she - devil was over , but the nightmares still lingered . The only thing that helped him deal with the nightmarish pain were his paintings . And through is Grandda he met Marty , his mate , but Sterling hadn 't been himself for a very long time … . Marty knew a few shifters , so she knew what it meant when Sterling told her she was his mate . Oh , hell no , this guy had to be nuts , the " mates " she knew were a strange lot , and she didn 't want any part of it … . I BOOKS Coming Soon Johanna , better known as Joe , had been a day walker for her only friend , Noah , for centuries . An immortal with eight hundred years under her belt , she had become proficient in several languages and occupations . When her friend Noah talked about meeting the sun , she had every intention of following in his path . Joe had only gone to the Calhoun 's office to catch a ride to the estate . When she entered , it took her breath away to see the younger man on the floor and no one doing a damn thing to help him . Trent Calhoun had forgotten how to have fun . Diving into his work was what kept him happy . At 33 he had no life , so when he had a heart attack , his doctor said to change his ways or else . When the gorgeous woman stumbled into his hospital room , Trent thought his dad was up to his old tricks again ― that was until he caught her scent … . Now , because of his wolf , he 's face to face with an angry vampire … . Noelle was in somewhat of a pickle . She had researched the Calhoun firm ― Elijah Calhoun in particular ― before she made the appointment , but she was having second and third thoughts about hiring the firm after she got there . All her research indicated she could trust them , but big men scared the hell out of her , and the place was full of them . Elijah had been running a tad late for work , so his brother Trent took his first appointment . Elijah never dreamed that the woman he had an appointment with was his future mate … and she needed his protection . Noelle 's stepfather wasn 't their only problem . Elijah 's brother Sterling 's nightmares had gotten worse and somehow the creature that had marked him was controlling his actions as well … no one was safe … . Chloe Davis was giving up . She thought for sure the owners of the computer shop she worked for were responsible for her father 's death , but in all the time she 'd worked there she 'd not been able to find enough evidence to prove it , so as far as she was concerned she was out of there . Her boss , George , on the other hand had other ideas . As far as he was concerned she wasn 't going anywhere … by force if necessary . Scott Calhoun was just trying to help his grandfather get the young woman to safety , the last thing he expected was for her to be his mate . And he wasn 't happy about it either . Scott was a Dom , and he liked his sex hard and rough and his women submissive … this woman was a spitfire , and he was pretty sure he 'd scare her off with his demands … . As far as he was concerned he was a deviant , not mate material . But when Chloe and Scott come together , they both find more than they expected … Scott has finally met his match . Now , if everyone would stop trying to kill them , they might live long enough to enjoy each other . Alta set a plate full of food in front of him , and Sterling stared at it before looking up at her . She 'd been with him for nearly four months now , and he was sure that he was about as fattened up as he was going to get . She smiled at him and told him to eat . " I 'm thinking you 're either fattening me up for a huge dinner , or you think I 'm still skinny . First , I 'm not Santa , and second … . Well , second , I 'm not that hungry anymore . " She patted him on the cheek and walked away as he started putting butter on his pancakes . " Did I tell you that I 'm supposed to host Christmas this year ? I haven 't any idea why I got volunteered . I guess I should pay more attention when they 're all talking . " " They do love to talk , your family . " He nodded as she handed him a platter of bacon and sausage . " Randal is coming . I think he should be here any second . " The back door opened and there stood his brother covered in snow . He was brushing it off his head as he was telling Alta that he could eat again . When he sat across from him , stealing one of his pieces of bacon , Alta gave him pancakes as well . " Mom sent me over . And Grandma wants to know if you have enough decorations for Christmas . " He said he had some . " I 'm also supposed to tell you that once you 're ready to start with the decorations , you 're to call Mom . She said don 't forget . Wanna go shopping with me ? " " No . I have work to do , and Noelle has a list of things she needs me to pick up as well . I guess she 's been making some pretty good deals with a few vampires that Noah knows . " Randal finished his breakfast before he did , which didn 't surprise Sterl . He didn 't have live - in help and no one cooked for him . " Why did Mom send you here ? " " Mostly to make sure that you 're eating well and that you 're not lazing around the house . I haven 't any idea why she thinks that , but she told me to see about you . And I think she 's still pissed at Grandda . He should have known better than to be late for dinner on Friday . " TheyLeave a reply Ramsey had given up on family and love a long time ago , and the sooner she cut all ties with them , the better off she 'd be . She was good with a camera , and as long as no one knew who she was , the daughter of the powerful Ram Stockholm , she could keep her cover intact . Graham had just finished the construction of his house and was looking for any excuse he could find to stay away from people - that included his large family . But everyone had to eat so a trip to the grocery store was necessary . He didn 't , however , have a mate on his shopping list , but there she stood - injured and panicking . Graham was about as happy as he could be , until three cops came to his property to arrest him and charged him with murder - now the whole family was in an uproar . Graham 's world was crashing around him , he wanted to marry Ramsey , but not like this … . Can they ban together to prove his innocence before it 's too late ? Find out in the final chapter of the Emerson Wolves - Graham . Do you know what you are to me ? She shook her head as he whispered to her . His mouth was doing incredible things to her and she wanted more . Mate ? Youre my mate . Do you know what that means ? Her body seemed to come alive at his words . She struggled to pull from him and he let her go , but he didn 't back off . She moved back from him as far as the wall and tried to get her mind to function again . She was not going to be his mate , not any man 's . You have to go . I won 't bother you anymore if you do the same for me . He moved to within a foot of her and she put up her hands . I don 't want you here . Please , you can 't want me as a mate . I don ' tI 'm not even sure that this isn 't some ploy to get what you want . Or money . Is that it ? ' She looked up at him as he started cursing . Hunter Emerson and his brothers answered the request of a pack looking for a new Alpha and moved to Sommersville . Since they were all Alphas , Hunter didn t have a clue that he was the new Alpha until he arrived . It didn 't sit well with him at all that a woman on pack land held herself in recluse and wouldn 't answer and pledge herself to the new Alpha . What she could be doing there on that big estate with no one around to witness , His mind reeled with the possibilities ? none of them good . Slone Morris had an understanding with the local pack ? leave her alone and she 'd let the pack stay on her land free of charge . It was as simple as that . She didn 't deal well with people . But the new Alpha in town wouldn 't take Fuck off for an answer . Slone 's past threatened to rear its ugly head at every turn . There was one ? someone she thought she trusted ? who didn 't want the past dredged back up . He was determined to stop her at all cost ? Luke Emerson has big shoes to fill . He doesn 't know how to be a Mayor of their small town , but with the help of his assistant , Allen , he is damn sure going to give it a good try . From what little he 's seen of the town government it 's corrupt and he 's bound and determined to do something about it . When they receive a call that Allen 's sister Jack has been critically injured in a fire , Allen falls apart . His sister is all he has left . Luke goes with him to the hospital and as soon as Luke catches her scent , he knows she 's his mate , but the doctor is giving her less than a three percent chance to survive . Can you save her ? Luke looked over at Allen , who was staring at his sister . I know what you are . I mean , I think I know what you are . You can 't live in our town and not hear things . Are you ? Am I what ? Allen looked at him , and Luke felt as if he were staring at his very soul . Neither of them blinked , and when Allen finally looked away , Luke felt as if he 'd been released from a tight hug . You want to know an answer to something , then ask me . I 'm not going to assume anything right now . Luke has two choices : convert her to a wolf , or watch her die . He doesn 't even know her , but he can 't lose his mate he 's just found her . But to convert her without her permission , there could be consequences . Addison Parker is on the run . No matter how fast she runs , or how far she travels she can 't hide from herself , or the gift she 's been cursed with . She can read people 's minds and with a touch can see into their future . That is a secret that she has learned to keep well ? everyone always wanted something from her when they learned what she could do . It 's easier to avoid people all together . Jarrett Emerson is just helping his dad and brother protect an innocent from a perverted wretch . But when a falling brick knocks Addie unconscious , she falls right into Jarrett 's arms . To his surprise he realizes that she is his mate and human … Addie felt stupid standing there like she was and moved to the sink . Jarrett watched her before he reached for a second glass . Addie had no idea why , but she thought he was nervous . " I 'm not going to pounce on you . " As soon as the words left her mouth , she knew that she 'd made a major mistake . He turned so quickly that she backed up and hit her ass on the counter behind her . He didn 't stop there but took the two more steps to have her leaning back to look up at him . " I 'd like nothing more than to have you pounce on me . " His voice was a soft growl that had her thinking all sorts of things that had nothing to do with food . " You 're very beautiful . " " No , I 'm not . " He nodded and halved the distance between them . " You 're too close . I can 't think when you 're this close . " Jarrett doesn 't want her to leave . If she goes , he goes with her . That 's the way it is with mates . But when a corrupt attorney has other ideas , the Emersons have to regroup to protect what they now consider their own … . Dawn Whitfield is on the run , and if her uncle catches her this time she knows he won 't just beat her … he 'll kill her . Her best bet is to keep moving , and at all cost keep hidden . Addie Parker finds the shackled young woman and sets her up in an old house hidden from everything . And that 's where Dawn stays for eight lonely years . Ellis Emerson is in a rut . He can 't seem to do anything right . He thinks he 's found his mate , but can 't get close enough to her to be sure … And that 's a huge distraction that 's turned their construction job from a week ahead of schedule with a huge bonus , to barely three days ahead . And when Addie asks him to assemble a small crew to fix one of her houses , his foreman , Dan , is all for Ellis getting away for a while . Ellis finds his skittish mate hiding away in Addie 's home , but will she let her guard down long enough for him to convince her that their destiny is each other ? Or will her Uncle Basil step in and finally take her prisoner again ? Find out in the next installment of Emerson Wolves ? Ellis . No matter how hard she tried , Kimber Gray always seemed to manage to get knocked back down a peg or two . She was a top rate chef and graduated at the top of her class , but no matter how hard she tried no one would acknowledge it . Now , blackballed in the only profession she knew , she was a failure to the one that mattered most - her daughter , Hannah . With no recourse left to her , she 'd have to grovel and beg her aunt for help . Lee Emerson was glad to be back home for a while . He loved what he did , being a food critic and helping failing restaurants was a dream job come true . But he was tired of the traveling and just wanted to take care of things around the house and relax for a change . Slone , Hunter 's mate , wanted to open a fancy restaurant and have Lee run it . He wasn 't so sure about that , but he 'd love nothing better than to hire that chef that had prepared the last meal he 'd had in France before he left . It was the best meal he 'd ever eaten , and he had been disappointed when he found out the man had left before he could tell him so . The slush claiming to cook the meal , wasn 't the cook and he 'd bet his last dollar on it . Kimber had had it . Her aunt had gone too far this time , and there was no way she 'd expose her little girl to such meanness again . They 'd live on the street first , and she was trying to tell Slone that she wasn 't a charity case . That she could provide for her daughter somehow , when the most gorgeous man she 'd ever seen cornered her , snarling that he 'd protect her with his life . Ah , hell no . Who in the hell did he think he was ? Hello ! My name is Kathi Barton and I 'm a award winning , best selling author of dark fantasy erotic paranormal romance . I have been married to my very best friend Paul , a potter , for at times seems several lifetimes - in a good way , honey . And together we have three wonderful children and then the ones we brought into the world - Paul and Dale Barton , Jason and Wendy Barton and Danielle and Ben Conklin . They have given us eight of the greatest treasures on Earth . They don 't live at home seven days a week ! No , seriously , eight grandchildren - Gavin , Spring , Ben , Trinity , Sarah , Kelly , Kian and Bailee " I tell you , Ram , that daughter of yours is a hoot . I just asked her what she thought of all this , and she said that the money from what was going to be tossed out when this was over could have fed an entire village for a week . " Ram Stockholm looked around the room for his daughter . " When did you speak to her ? I thought her and Chad had left for their honeymoon already . " There was no way his daughter would say that about her own wedding . At least he hoped not . But she was a little stressed out right now . Christ , they 'd spent a fortune on this thing , and to have her upset wasn 't going to happen . Not that his baby girl didn 't deserve it , but to say something like this to William Frank was terrible . " No , no . I meant Ramsey . To tell you the truth , Ram , I had no idea you had another child , much less one as beautiful as she is . But she 's the spitting image of you now that I think on it . " Ram wondered about Ramsey , his youngest child , as William continued . " Like I said , a beautiful little thing , but a mite outspoken . I 'd wondered why you didn 't have her up there with her sister , but I 'm assuming that the two of them don 't get along . " " They don 't . Where did you see her go ? I 'd like to speak to her . " William laughed and pointed to the large open doors at the back of the large room . " Excuse me . " If William answered him , he didn 't hear him . Ramsey wasn 't going to ruin her sisters ' day by complaining about something that was none of her business . But as soon as he stepped out on the deck to talk to her , he stilled . When the hell had she grown up ? The dark blue dress she had on made the paleness of her porcelain skin almost glow . With her hair done up in one of those complicated twists , it gave her neck a gracefulness that would make most men he knew drool . She was tall too , Ram just realized , and rail thin . He cleared his throat before going out all the way . When Ramsey turned his way , Ram thought that he 'd made a mistake … this could not be his child . " Hello , Dad . " RamAs soon as the words left his mouth , he knew that he 'd made a mistake . But the two of them , along with Gregory , their brother , had been fighting since the day that Ramsey was brought home from the hospital , or so it seemed . He just wanted peace and quiet . He never got it when they were all together . And now that he thought about it , he 'd not seen them all together in a good long time . Ramsey had been … well , he had no idea where she 'd been of late . " First of all , I 'm nineteen . Secondly , I didn 't do anything other than to show up here . She seems to think that I 'm going to embarrass her because I 'm not in the wedding party . And people - her kind , she called them - would ask questions . " Ram started to ask her why she wasn 't in the party , but Ramsey spoke again . " She didn 't ask me to be in it , if you were going to ask me . And when I asked her about it , she told me that I would never fit in . Deidra said that she wanted people in her party that were nice and beautiful , something that I 'm certainly not . " " I 'll talk to her . " He would too . He thought this feuding had gone on long enough . " To be honest with you , Ramsey , I almost didn 't know who you were when I came out here . And where have you been hiding yourself ? You look lovely . " " Thanks . " He nodded , then followed her when she moved to sit in one of the chairs that had been brought for people to use . The country club where Deidra 's wedding reception was being held was very accommodating . But he supposed that had to do with his money rather than who he might be . They sat there for several moments before Ramsey spoke again . " I 'm leaving , Dad . " He offered to get her a car to take her home . He asked her to tell the butler that they 'd be along shortly . When she looked at him with the oddest look on her face , he wondered what he 'd said wrong now . He was still trying to get over the fact that she was really nineteen . " I don 't live at home , and I wasn 't planning on going there anyway . I haven 't lived there for somebeen involved in their lives . From the time they were old enough to enter things , sometimes even before that , he and his wife Krista had been there for them . But not Ramsey . He couldn 't remember a single moment , sports event , or even a play that he 'd gone to for his youngest child . " I 've never … I 'm sorry to say , I don 't know any of those things . " He looked away from her knowing face and continued . " I can 't remember one single play that we attended that you were in . Not a game of any sort that you might have been in . Nor do I remember having any sort of graduation party when you got out of school last year . " He looked at her then . " I 'm drawing a blank as to what I got you for your sixteenth birthday . What I got you for your eighteenth or any in - between , and I haven 't the slightest idea what you 've been up to since you got out of school . " " I graduated from high school six years ago . So no , you didn 't have a party for me . I think that Deidra said it would mess up her summer plans with her friends or something like that . I just finished up my last year of college last month , and I 'm nearly done with my master 's degree as well . I moved out when Mom told me to because I was bothering Deidra too much and it was getting on her nerves . That would have been right after I turned seventeen and was nearly finished with college . I work for … . " She stood up and he did as well . " It doesn 't matter now . But I 'm going away . And … I have a job opportunity and I 'm going to take it . " " Going away to where ? And what are you going to do for this company ? " Her laugh hurt him . " Ramsey , I 'm so sorry . I wish I could tell you that I do remember all of this , but I don 't want to lie to you . I feel like this is all my fault . Don 't leave . Please . I 'd like for you to move back home and for us to get to know one another . It 's not too late , is it ? " " You mean because Deidra is gone now , you wouldn 't mind me being there ? " Ram felt as if she 'd stabbed him in the heart . But ifproperly with them . That if she were more like her brother and sister , perhaps they 'd take her to more places . Ram would never forgive himself . ~ ~ ~ Ramsey drove home wondering if she 'd done the right thing . Her original plan had been to simply leave without telling them , but then her dad had come out to talk to her and she 'd told him . It wouldn 't be like them to miss her or anything . In fact , she was pretty sure that not one of them would have given her a second thought . But her dad had hurt her , and she thought that she wanted to hurt him back for a change . Well , she was sure she had , and herself as well . Going into her little house , she thought of the cases that she 'd packed over the last week . She had no idea if she 'd be back here again , but really couldn 't see any reason to return . So what she didn 't put into storage - and she 'd stored very little - had been given away , sold , or just donated to whoever had wanted it . Which again , wasn 't all that much . She 'd sold her house the week before , and had thirty days to leave before the new owners would be taking it . Ramsey had already sold most of her furniture , and all she had left was the bed that she 'd been sleeping in and a single dresser . There were no mementos in the house that she was taking . No pictures of her family because she didn 't have any , and there were no pets in her life . Ramsey had made such a tiny footprint in her life so far , and she was looking forward to making more . Putting all her cameras away except the one that she 'd taken to Deidra 's wedding , she made her way to the darkroom . Her plane didn 't leave until late tomorrow night , but she 'd told her dad differently because she didn 't want him to think they could get together beforehand . Ramsey had meant nothing to them before this , and she saw no reason to try and cram a lifetime of conversations and hugs into her last day . Neither of them would be very comfortable with that , and she was pretty sure it would piss off her mother . The woman had never really likedname when she worked was enough to distance her from her family . " I have a noon opening , and also one at two . Which one can I put you down for ? " " Neither . " He laughed a little on the other end . Ramsey put the mail , mostly credit card applications , in the trash and pulled a paper bowl from the sleeve to have some cereal . " I really have to go , Mr . Carter . I have things to do . " " Wait . This is the job of a lifetime , Miss … can I call you Ramsey ? This is the job of a lifetime . This is a large paper and very prestigious . Think of what doors it could open for you in the long - term . " She didn 't answer him but yawned . " Ramsey , tell me what I need to do to have you come here and work for us . " " There is nothing you can do . I do not want to work for you . I have a job , one that I wanted and worked hard for . I 'm sorry , but you 'll have to find someone else . " She hung up as he was speaking . Then when she was sure that he wasn 't going to be on the other end , she put a block on his number and sent it directly to her voicemail . He 'd more than likely still call and fill up the message box , but for now she was happy . The stupid man worked for her father , as he owned the paper that Mr . Carter thought she should come to work for . And not only that , but the job that he wanted her to take ? She 'd been doing it all the way through college to make ends meet . It had always surprised her that not once in all that time had she ever run across her family . After making sure that everything was turned off in the darkroom , she made her way to her room after eating the last of her cereal . The bed wasn 't made , of course , but she didn 't care . Taking the last of her suitcases off it , Ramsey stripped down and laid out on the messy bed . She was asleep almost immediately . Two hours later she was awake and refreshed . Taking a long hot shower , Ramsey thought of where she might be going . And when she got there , what she was going to do first . Ramsey didn 't have a job to go to like everyone thought . She 'd said that " Why are you doing this ? I thought we cleared things up last night . " She was still standing on her stoop when he came back for the other piece of luggage . " Dad ? What are you really doing here ? " " How about if we have dinner before you go ? I know you have time . We can even eat in the airport if you want . I just … I 'd like to have dinner with you before you go . I don 't deserve this chance , and Lord knows that you have every reason to tell me to go to hell , but I need this , Ramsey . " She asked him why again . " Because I need to connect with you , and will take whatever … . No , that 's not quite right . I do want to be with you tonight , but I also wanted to make sure you knew how serious I was about you calling me . I thought … I hoped that I could convince you that I love you . " " I love you too , but this is unnecessary . Besides , I was just going to grab a burger at the airport , then wait for my flight . Dad , what does Mom think about you being here ? " When he looked away , she knew . " She told you not to come here , didn 't she ? It 's all right , Dad . Whatever she said , I 'm sure she was right . " " She said you were trying for attention . You weren 't going anywhere , but acting out because you weren 't the center of attention at the wedding . I told her she couldn 't have been more wrong . You 've never wanted to be there before . That 's more Deidra 's style , not yours . " He took the box from her and noticed that it had his name on it . " What 's this ? " " I took some pictures at the wedding and thought she 'd want them . Or you might . I don 't care . I don 't even know why I took them other than I wanted to do it . It was just … I don 't understand any of this . " He laughed , and it sounded so sad that she had to brace herself when the pain tore at her heart . " You should go back home before Mom gets upset . " " She already is . And it 's doubtful that she 's going to be in any better mood from now on . " He shut the trunk of his car and turned to her . " Where are you going , Ramsey ? Pparked , he took most of her luggage and she her carry - on things . He had the box of pictures under his arm , and when she asked him about that , he laughed . " I want to see them while you 're here so that I can tell you what a great job you did . " He laughed again when she told him they might be crap . " Nah , I don 't think so . I found out you 're pretty famous with your camera . I mean , you are R . S . Holms , aren 't you ? I had no idea . " " No one does . And I 'd like to keep it that way . " He nodded as they made their way through the line to have her luggage checked . " Those pictures aren 't your normal wedding kind of thing . Most of them are candid shots that I had fun taking . You really might think they 're crap when you see them . " " I highly doubt that . You 're quite famous as a photographer , aren 't you ? The article I read about you , they don 't know who you are , do they ? No one even knows that you 're a female . " She shook her head . " I 'm glad I looked . I almost skipped over the article because it said you weren 't who I was looking for . Why did you change it ? " " My personal life is just that . Personal . And if I put out there that I was who I am , I think any doors that would have opened for me when I started taking pictures would have been because of your last name . This is all mine , not the family 's . " She wondered if she might have hurt him again , but he smiled at her . " I wanted to do this on my own , and I did it . " " You certainly did , and I understand that . " She wasn 't sure he did but said nothing . " While our name means a great deal around the world , you just wanted to make it without my help . I 'm proud of you for that . " " Thank you . " After her luggage was tagged and taken away , they decided to have dinner at one of the nicer restaurants in the place . Ramsey had about three hours before her plane took off , and she wasn 't sure she wanted to sit with her dad while waiting . He seemed to genuinely want to be with her , but she was sure that he 'd get bored after aHe had made his way through about half the pictures when their dinner came . Ramsey had the grilled salmon with grilled scallops on the side , plus a huge baked potato . Her dad , a steak and potatoes man , had ordered a beautiful porterhouse with the same potato with butter and sour cream . No salads for either of them . When he looked at the last picture in the box , she felt herself getting uncomfortable . He stared at the last one for so long that she wanted to ask him what was wrong with it . Her dad looked at her with tears in his eyes and she felt her heart twist . " The only family picture in the world that is half assed . You should have been in this with us . Obviously you were there . Why didn 't you join us ? " She just shook her head and he nodded as if he might know . " Was it your mom or Deidra that told you to step out of the picture ? I have no doubt , after this , that it could have been both of them . " " I understand why she didn 't want me there . It was Deidra 's day , not mine . " That wasn 't really what was said to her , but it was less painfully said her way . " But the picture turned out nicely , didn 't it ? " " It did . I believe that these pictures are going to be much nicer than the ones we paid that man too much money to take . But I want to know . What did your mother say to you , Ramsey ? I need to know . " She didn 't want to tell him . But then she thought what the hell , I 'm leaving and more than likely won 't be back . " Ramsey ? " " She told me it was for the family and not for upstarts like me . I started to point out that I was her daughter too when she … she slapped me . Told me that she wished I 'd not been born . I unbalanced her life . Unbalanced ? How did I … ? I had no say in being born . Why does she say things like that to me ? " She turned away from him to finish . " To be honest with you , it was the deciding factor in my leaving without saying a word to any of you . I don 't know why I even told … yes I do . I wanted to hurt you like you all have hurt me my entire life . That 's the that I want you to use . It 's … well , it 's mine and mine alone . If you can 't get me that way , then use the house phone . But I want you to call me . Weekly if you can . " " I don 't need this , Dad . " He pushed it back at her when she tried to give it back . " Dad , you don 't have to do this for me to call you . I will . " " It 's not why I 'm doing it . I want you to have a backup plan . A way to come home to me if you need me . " She wanted to tell him she needed him years ago , but said nothing . " I wasn 't there for you for nineteen years , Ramsey , but I want to be now . " Nodding , she was moving to the gates when he called her back . This hug she returned , and felt better when they parted ways . Ramsey cried all the way to her first stop , and got off the plane with a heavy and saddened heart . Ryder Mackenzie didn 't remember much about what happened to her . All she knew was she hurt in more places than she could remember . Mac barely remembered going over the falls and hitting the rocks below to save the little girl . But now that she 'd been to the other side , the ghosts wouldn 't leave her alone . Drew Mullins was a haunted man , quite literally . His mother tortured him as a child and seemed bound and determined to continue doing so seventeen years after her death . Drew , being a necromancer , was having a hard time avoiding her because she didn 't know she was dead . Steele Bennett was born with a gift , but he sees it more as a curse ― he can see and speak with spirits . And when he loses his twin sister at seventeen , he wants to turn his back on life ― block his heart so that he never has to feel the sharp pain of loss again … The small bar Kari Briggs runs is failing fast . She hasn 't seen the owner in three months , past due notices are piling high , and her last paycheck bounced twice . And if she doesn 't pay the delivery guy soon , there 'll be no more supplies . She has trouble enough controlling her cat , so the last thing she needs tonight is trouble . But those guys at the bar won 't listen and take it outside . Deciding to take matters into her own hands , she is shocked when a tall stranger grips her arms from behind and her cat wants to roll over and purr . From the moment Steele touches her , she knows he 's her mate . And Steele thinks he can just get her out of his system with sex and a lot of it ― he won 't mark her and she can 't mark him ― no permanent attachments . But that 's not how it works with a shifter , she will die if her cat can 't get what she needs from him . She will love him because she has no choice ― he is her mate ― but that is a secret she is willing to take to her grave … Nick Stark had known Addison West for quite some time . Although they 'd never met in person they shared the same nightmare ? both were unwilling participants . However , through these dreams they had formed a bond between them . And a telepathic connection . So when out of the blue , Addie contacted Nick and told him she had seen some things that she shouldn 't have and she was next on the killer 's list , Nick didn 't hesitate to come to her rescue . Nick had known for some time that Addie was to be his ? why else would they share the same dream ? But he was in no hurry to form emotional attachments . Never having much in the way of a decent family life , he didn 't know much about love . And with the deep emotional scars he bore from an abusive childhood , he didn 't want to bring that burden onto another soul ? especially Addie . Addie had her own baggage . Her father had been forcing her to marry an abusive man ? he told her it was her duty as his daughter to obey him . Addie wasn 't having any part of it , so she ran … . She had been hiding for the last five years . Nick may not have wanted any attachments but he couldn 't ignore the beauty he 'd rescued . But there were things he had to tell her … about all of them … about Steele Bennett 's group . He wasn 't sure how she fit into all this … . Mitch Riley was a haunted man , and being a necromancer didn 't have much to do with what haunted him . A troubled childhood left him withdrawn and short tempered , so when he received a summons that he was being sued by the foster parents who had abused him , he didn 't take it well at all . And their attorney ? None other than a vamp . There was nothing much worse than a vamp in Mitch 's opinion . Victoria Graham , or Vinnie her mother had nicknamed her , wasn 't expecting the man her clients were suing to be her mate , and a necromancer . She would have refused the case had she known she 'd be walking into a den of necromancers . She had grown up on horror stories that necromancers were the one thing that could kill her kind , and it was clear the man hated her very existence … . But when he touched her , she 'd lost control of her magic … and her mind too apparently . Landon Logan is a man haunted by a tragedy that he blames himself for but didn 't do . No one can convince him otherwise - especially his well - meaning Grandda who happens to be dead . Landon is a necromancer . Dillon Malone has a few abilities of her own . She can " find " things by touching the owner or touching something the owner has touched . This makes her a wanted woman . Happy Reading Hello ! My name is Kathi Barton and I 'm a award winning , best selling author of dark fantasy erotic paranormal romance . I have been married to my very best friend Paul , a potter , for at times seems several lifetimes - in a good way , honey . And together we have three wonderful children and then the ones we brought into the world - Paul and Dale Barton , Jason and Wendy Barton and Danielle and Ben Conklin . They have given us eight of the greatest treasures on Earth . They don 't live at home seven days a week ! No , seriously , eight grandchildren - Gavin , Spring , Ben , Trinity , Sarah , Kelly , Kian and Bailee Chapter 1 Addie put the phone back on the hook and sat down . Since she 'd gotten up she 'd been trying to reach out to her friend , Mac , and hadn 't gotten a single answer , or a call back when she left her messages . She was coming here in a few days , to hang out with her and to meet her new friends . But now , trying to get in touch with Mac and not having any success made her worry . Something was wrong , she just knew it . Going to find Nick , she wasn 't surprised to find Landon and Steele in the office with him . Nick stood up when she entered the room and gave her his seat . The man was a constant worry wart , especially since she 'd found out she was expecting . She wasn 't sure she could make it the last few months without bashing his head in . " Here , honey , please have a seat . And put your feet up on the stool . Did you get in touch with her ? " Addie told him that she 'd not as she sat down in his chair , but she didn 't put her feet up . There was only so much pampering she could take right now . " I know that you 're worried . I think you need to call her place of business . Didn 't you tell me she works for some sort of boating company ? " " Extreme . And she doesn 't just work for them , but owns the company . Few people know that . I 'm pretty sure not even the people that work for her are aware they work for her , not just with her . But , no , I 've not called yet . I wanted to ask you first . I don 't want her to think I 'm over protective of her . She accused me of that in college when we were younger . " Addie rubbed her growing belly as she continued . " It 's not like her to not call me back . I know that it 's silly , but I 'm afraid something has happened to her . But I don 't want to feel stupid for calling her work and embarrassing her . Do you understand ? " " Call them . " When Steele nodded in agreement with Nick , she thought she 'd do it . But later . " No , not later , now . Call them and ask where she is . You know that you 're not sleeping well worrying over this . She will get a good laugh outLeave a reply Coleen had heard just about all she wanted to hear from her grandmother about the Bentleys - no one could be that nice . There had to be an angle there somewhere . People just didn 't help other people for nothing - not in this day and age . Tony Bentley wasn 't expecting to find his mate , and as a Were Panther he could even understand her reluctance . He was , after all , a Bentley , and the poor woman had been taken through the ringer , but she was his mate , and he wasn 't about to take no for an answer . Coleen 's ex had left her in a heap of debt , and she couldn 't allow herself to bring that kind of baggage into a relationship . She 'd work through it somehow - without the help of the mighty Bentleys . B & N http : / / www . barnesandnoble . com / w / books / 1125006975 ? ean = 2940157135782 Micah Bentley is a third generation cop and a panther . He always wanted to be a homicide detective like his dad , but kept getting passed up for the job because he was too good at what he currently did working the beat . Micah has a gift , he can read people 's minds . Such a gift could be a help and a hindrance on a job . He could pluck the information he needs right out of someone 's mind , but knowing they 're guilty and proving it are two different things . But when his dad is killed off duty it has him rethinking his career choice . Regina Webster , Reggie to her friends , is just trying to make ends meet by working three jobs to keep her head above water , and also take care of her invalid brother . She doesn 't have time for socializing with bossy men like Micah Bentley who butt into her life making everything concerning her his business . She doesn 't know anything about this mate thing he keeps spouting off about , she just wants him to leave her alone . Christiana McKenzie , Chris to her friends , was at her wits end . She and her sister , Angel , were born witches . Their mother had warned them that to use their powers would bring on another witch hunt , and they 'd risk being burned , just like their ancestors . Her sister didn 't heed their mother 's warning and now Angel was dead . Angel had lived long enough to tell Chris that she 'd left something for her with a man by the name of Bentley , then she died . Chris had to track down this Bentley no matter the cost … . Joseph Bentley almost had everything finished : the house , the barn … everything . In a few weeks it would be finished and he would be able to move into the house and get the ranch going . But the progress wasn 't going fast enough to suit him ― he was lonely . Micah had come out to tell him that the sister of the girl that died to protect him was coming to see him , and he was hoping that the nightmares since the incident would stop . Micah wanted him to come out to the main house and be there when she arrived . But the limo delivered the woman to Joey 's house instead of Micah 's . Joey couldn 't believe it , the hostile woman was his mate … and more than he could have ever hoped for … . Whether or not Chris wanted a mate or not was irrelevant , Joey wasn 't letting her out of his sight . And when she found out that her mother had lied to her ― she wasn 't an ordinary witch ― and that others would come to try to possess her . If they couldn 't do that , then they would kill her to possess her powers ― she needed help . The Bentleys ban together to save one of their own , but will it be enough ? Can they even fight the powerful magic that 's targeting Chris and Joey ? Christiana McKenzie , Chris to her friends , was at her wits end . She and her sister , Angel , were born witches . Their mother had warned them that to use their powers would bring on another witch hunt , and they 'd risk being burned , just like their ancestors . Her sister didn 't heed their mother 's warning and now Angel was dead . Angel had lived long enough to tell Chris that she 'd left something for her with a man by the name of Bentley , then she died . Chris had to track down this Bentley no matter the cost … . Joseph Bentley almost had everything finished : the house , the barn … everything . In a few weeks it would be finished and he would be able to move into the house and get the ranch going . But the progress wasn 't going fast enough to suit him ― he was lonely . Micah had come out to tell him that the sister of the girl that died to protect him was coming to see him , and he was hoping that the nightmares since the incident would stop . Micah wanted him to come out to the main house and be there when she arrived . But the limo delivered the woman to Joey 's house instead of Micah 's . Joey couldn 't believe it , the hostile woman was his mate … and more than he could have ever hoped for … . Whether or not Chris wanted a mate or not was irrelevant , Joey wasn 't letting her out of his sight . And when she found out that her mother had lied to her ― she wasn 't an ordinary witch ― and that others would come to try to possess her . If they couldn 't do that , then they would kill her to possess her powers ― she needed help . The Bentleys ban together to save one of their own , but will it be enough ? Can they even fight the powerful magic that 's targeting Chris and Joey ? Nolan finally had a practice of his own , and soon his brother Burke would be leaving the hospital and joining him . Now , if the rest of the family would mind their own business , Nolan would be much happier … or not . He was sulking over his dilemma when his nurse told him he had a patient , a hurt kid who wasn 't doing much talking . Rylee nearly collapsed with worry when she found out her nephew had been hurt . She wasn 't sure if she was cut out to be a parent . She loved her nephew , Shane , dearly and had taken on his care when her sister died , but how she 'd missed the warning signs was beyond her . He was being bullied at school daily and she knew nothing about it until he 'd been cut with a knife . " I didn 't know . " Her entire body sagged at her confession . " He said he had it handled . And I thought he did . It 's my fault he 's beaten up like this . I should have … I 'm not any good at this parenting thing . " Nolan reached for her just as Shane moved on the bed . He wasn 't sure what the kid could do , banged up the way that he was , but as soon as Nolan touched her , he knew what she was to him . Her body , warm and strong , leaned into his even as he buried his nose into her neck . Christ , his body screamed at him , she was his . Licking her throat , tasting her , he could hear her moan , but when his head was jerked up by his hair , all he could do was stare at her . Meet Kathi Barton , author of best selling novels such as the Force of Nature series and Ryland of the Golden Streak series . She lives in Nashport , Ohio with her husband Paul Barton , an amazing and talented potter . Kathi likes to spend time with her eight grandchildren . she writes to relax and have fun . Also , she and Paul can be found at auctions in the summer months . Coleen signed her name to the last page and closed the thick file that had been handed to her . The man across from her , Harry Mercer , hadn 't been a bastard ; he could have been , but he was nice to her . She thought that might have hurt most of all . When he asked her if she had any questions , she wanted to ask him why her , but she knew he 'd have no more answers to that than she did . " No . I 'm going to go live with my grandma , try to get my life together and get a job . They 're taking most of my money , so I 'll have to live very frugally until I win the lottery . " She meant it as a joke but it failed miserably , much as her life had . " How can I make arrangements to pay you back ? " " I told you , I 've made an arrangement with the firm I work for , and this will be a probono case . You have enough to worry about right now , Ms . Greer . And don 't forget , you have to have whomever you work for contact us so that we can make arrangements for the money to come here . And then we 'll disperse the payments that we 've lined out for you . You 'll be all right . How about we go and celebrate that this is going to be behind you soon ? " She told him she just wanted to get out of town . " When do you leave ? Not right away , I hope . " " Today . I 've had to sell my house and my things , so I don 't have anything left here . Grandma has room for me for the time being , and she 'll need help with my brother 's little girl . " She smiled when she thought of the little tike . " She 's a handful , Grandma said . Sweet , but a little energetic for a seventy - year - old to handle . " " I bet she is . " Coleen realized that she was taking up this man 's time , and he 'd given her a lot over the last few weeks . " Coleen , are you going to be all right ? I know that you didn 't cause any of this , but the law is the law . I think we 're lucky that I was handed this information rather than some other firm . They might have taken you to the cleaners . If you have any questions now or later , just call me . No other lawyer is going to beThis entry was posted in Amazon & B & N All Romance , book , Books , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Panthers on October 31 , 2016 by Kathi Barton . Danburn The English Dragon Release Day & Giveaway 6 / 13 / 16 Leave a reply Danburn English is the ninth earl of the English castle . He and his dragon alter ego have been on this earth for a very long time . Danburn is accustom to his orders being followed to the letter , no questions asked , so when this feisty young woman bucks his authority he is beyond angry . Kendrick Barrera can 't seem to get caught up . Every time she turns around , her sister is in trouble again . Now , because of her sister 's new mess , she 's being evicted and has nowhere to go . There is something about the feisty woman that has touched Danburn 's heart . She has a rare honesty and bravery that has him take notice . A woman like that is hard to find and should be protected and cherished . The chemistry is there , they 've both felt it , but controlling his mouth just might get in the way of winning Kendrick 's heart … .

The doorbell rang again , so I could tell whoever or whatever was on the other side of it was getting quite weary about waiting . I was too , but the old man had yet to respond to my calls . I 'll just have to go get him , which I 've had to constantly do ever since he started up with his tinker - table projects . I crossed the couch room and popped into what used to be the old spare bedroom . Here , the old man was still engulfed in his toys and was entirely focused on playing , just like when I get a new chew bone . I called to him again , and this time finally got his attention . He grunted as he got out of his chair and started towards the door , announcing that he was now coming . I rushed back to the door to double check on the situation . I sniffed around , catching a faint whiff of what smelled like a lady and another dog . It had to be a dog . I could smell the treats someone was carrying around in their pocket . After I had been secured in my buddy 's arms , the old man opened the door and greeted the apparent guests . And just as I had suspected , it was a woman and her dog that looked almost like Izzy . She was all fluffy and had a little short tail too . Wow , this whole situation was kind of thrown right at me unexpectedly . And it didn 't help that there was now a strange dog in my yard . I turned to study my " new playmate " with just enough time to see the oncoming tackle , which wasn 't graceful by any means . I pushed her off and set some distance between us just in case . Her head cocked from one side to the other , her floppy ears perking up halfway - one a little higher than the other . Then she just barked two woofs and a " yup " sound . So I asked again . I got a different answer this time . This is just great . I 'm puppy - sitting . This young rascal hasn 't even learned to talk yet ! For her the conversation must 've been over , as she moved on to more interesting things . One of which just so inconveniently happened to be the garden . Now , I know that dogs weren 't supposed to play there , and even Izzy and Buck know better . But how am I going to tell this puppy that ? I called to her , trying to get her to come back , but she dove right in . And wouldn 't you know it , but the old man had been watering the garden just this morning . Every dog enjoys a good dig on occasion , whether it 's checking for bugs or hiding some treasure , but digging in mud is explicitly irresistible to the younger types . And this pup was no exception . At the edge of the carrot bed ( I occasionally sneak out one when the old man isn 't looking ) the mud started to fly . I did the only thing I could think of at the time - I tackled her . We both fell deeper into the mud , at which point it turned into a game for her . She bounced up and pushed me over with her paws , moving me deeper into the garden where the ground was soft and sticky . I stood back up , but my paws sunk all the way up to my belly . It was a struggle , but I managed to get out of the stickiness and back out into the grass , where I discovered that she was at it again . Now she was digging in a new spot , and the funny thing was that she didn 't even look like a puppy anymore . She looked more like a big glob of mud that was digging up even more mud and spraying it into the yard . Hollers of surprise got my attention , and I turned to see the old man and the strange woman standing on the patio 's edge . His arms were crossed , and he had that very serious look on his face . Solemn expressions turned to shock as the puppy rushed over to them and slung mud all over the place . Puppies , what a handful . It 's hard to imagine I was once a young and rascally nuisance too . So , I just shook off the mud and calmly told the old man the situation . Jason Duron is a short story writer and author of several fiction stories . Curious and lovable as dogs can be , the Adventures of Rocky give you a chance to see daily life from a " dog 's eye view " and share in their thoughts . Please enjoy , and we hope that you 'll feel free to comment and give us insight into your dog 's very own " rocky " adventures . Well , my cave was fun while it lasted , because now it has met with a most untimely end . First it was folded . Then it was crumpled and crushed . Finally , it found its way out the back door and right into the trash . It 's a shame really , since it was keeping me so interested and entertained . Now , I 'm bored at the moment . All those little pieces of wood ended up being assembled into a rather large table thingy , which would be cool if it had tunnels and toys that would provide a little entertainment . But it has none of that for me . For the old man , it 's a different story . The drawers open , and out pops a new toy for the old man . It 's the craziest thing . I just wish he would get something like that for me . I do enjoy seeing the old man excited about his new table toy - making thing , but he isn 't paying very much attention to me anymore . He just sits and tinkers , while I fight my stuffed squirrel or watch the birds hop around in the yard . I 'd chase them , but that gets a little old after a while . The thing I really want is to play with the old man . Right now , he 's tinkering at his table , moving his tools around tediously with paws that don 't seem to be tiring anytime soon . He 's been at it since lunch time , and I 'm pretty sure we missed our walk yesterday . I really don 't want to miss it today , so I 'm going to have to get him back in the game . My plan begins with a search through my toy box for something strategically intriguing . If I were the old man , what kind of toy would I like the best ? Let 's see : there 's my squeaky carrot , but I don 't think he cares for that one much . I could try my ball , but it 's kind of iffy . Ball in mouth , I trot over to the old man and drop it under his chair and check his expression for any signs of interest . Nothing . I paw his shoe , just to be sure , but there is still no response . I 'll have to try something else , something that he 'll definitely want to play with . Back at my box , I dig through my assorted goodies . There 's a throwing dish that 's been chewed beyond flight , the good old little - ball - in - big - ball puzzle that I still haven 't figured out , a soccer ball , and my stuffed squirrel . I think the squirrel will get the old man going today . We always get a good game of tug going when I get this rascal out . I bring the fiercest play toy back to the old man . There will be playtime now , there 's no doubt about it . I stare up at the old man whose attention has yet to waver from his tedious entertainment . I impatiently paw his leg , higher each time until I 'm standing up against his knee . But he still doesn 't give me the attention I need . A bark of frustration is muffled by my stuffed squirrel , so to get my requests better heard , I drop my toy in his lap and bark again . The old man jumps and his eyes finally train on me . At last , I have his attention . He picks up the squirrel and looks at it carefully . Then he tosses it across the room . Of course , I have to chase it , no matter how long or short the distance . It lands with a squeak behind the sofa , and I have it again , squeezing it until it squeaks again to announce my victory . My triumph is short lived however . I return to the table and the old man , but he 's right back to playing with his own toys . That 's enough of this . I hop up in his lap and squeak the squirrel right in his face . That gets his attention quickly , but all he does is take the squirrel and nonchalantly toss it away again . I don 't chase it this time . " Play with me ! " I howl . He stares at me . I stare at him . And then he noses me and rolls his eyes . I can feel him getting up beneath me , so I 'm sure we 're going to do something now for sure . He rustles through some stuff and finds his outside hat and my trusty leash . Great , we 're finally going to go do something together ! It only took most of the day and a little Rocky - attitude , but I got the job done . What else would you expect from a great dog like me ? Jason Duron is a short story writer and author of several fiction stories . Curious and lovable as dogs can be , the Adventures of Rocky give you a chance to see daily life from a " dog 's eye view " and share in their thoughts . Please enjoy , and we hope that you 'll feel free to comment and give us insight into your dog 's very own " rocky " adventures . I was out battling the wind and checking up on the yard when I heard the distinct doorbell sound , telling me that there was someone at the front door . The gust blew more dirt into my face , leading me to sneeze . It had been bad like this the past few days , and both I and the old man had a little nose trouble of sorts . But , he was much worse off than I was , constantly succumbing to blowing his nose . I stepped through my little door as one last sneeze cleared me up . Now I could listen in on what was going on . I heard voices , two of them , from somewhere near the front door . I raced to protect my home from any unwanted invaders . With another roar , I had their attention ( okay , so they aren 't necessarily roars , but give a dog some credit ) . Both invaders turned their attention from the object they were carrying and gave me wide eyed stares . Now they would listen to me . Or maybe not . The old man moved fast and had me in his puppy - hold ( I have yet to escape this technique ) and held his hand over my face , blocking my view . Though I couldn 't see them , I took careful note of the noises they made and the scent trail lingering in the air . But then I sneezed again . The first thing I noticed was this thing . A huge block left in the middle of the floor now filled up the majority of my runway . It had markings all over it , and was definitely not supposed to be here . I couldn 't move it though . It was huge , probably bigger than the old man . Maybe it 's a house to live in or something , but it had no doorways . It was certainly tall enough for me , and long enough for me to race around in if need be . The question remained though , how could I get in it ? The old man answered my question a few moments later . One side of the box opened up , revealing a block of wood . Cedar , as my nose knows best . But , that wasn 't the only thing to come out . By the time the old man had cleaned out the box , there was pile of wood scraps that a dog could play fetch with for a lifetime . I picked up one of the smaller pieces and offered it to the old man . He just took it away and told me it wasn 't my toy . After another sneezing fit , the old man gave me a sly look . With a slight push , the old man scooted me into the box , where I was surrounded by a new world . It was like being in a cave . I wandered down the way , the light growing dimmer as I explored . Wow , my new toy was a cave and the old man had cleared out the wood blocking the entrance . Think of all the cool games we could play now . I turned and raced out , scrambling for traction . As I exited , I pounced into the air and made a lap around the room in search of my ball . Once I remembered where I hid it , I brought it back to the old man , who was now studying some book . It 's strange how simple things can fascinate my companion sometimes . He needs to have more fun . We 'll play ball in my new cave . I dropped my toy in his lap , but he didn 't even look up . But , he did understand what we were supposed to be doing , even if he was still fascinated with his silly book thing . He tossed the ball , exactly how he was supposed to - right into the cave . I dove in hot pursuit as the ball bounced erratically down the cave walls . We did this all afternoon , the old man sitting and looking observant of both the wood and his book while I chased the ball and played in my new cave . And I 'll tell you , my best friend sure knows how to make a pup happy . Jason Duron is a short story writer and author of several fiction stories . Curious and lovable as dogs can be , the Adventures of Rocky give you a chance to see daily life from a " dog 's eye view " and share in their thoughts . Please enjoy , and we hope that you 'll feel free to comment and give us insight into your dog 's very own " rocky " adventures . We hadn 't gone far and I was already panting hard . My tongue rolled out , and dangled around , cooling me a little . Sometimes I think the old man has it easy , since he can just take his coat off when it gets warmer . But we dogs are seemingly stuck to our coats . And even if we could , it isn 't really in our nature to change our fashion every day , especially when you can 't improve excellence . But , it is these rather hot moments that leave me wishing I could at least take a dip in a puddle of water . Not too deep though , since I can 't really doggy paddle that well . Izzy can . I check him out of my peripheral , seeing if he was as tired as I was . Nope . In fact , he was constantly pulling Debbie further ahead . Probably just trying to show off . I wasn 't interested in tugged ahead . I set my pace to the old man 's and we keep our steps in tune . I come to the conclusion that tugging just makes me more tired . And I 'm always choking myself . I can even hear Izzy wheezing a little , just because he 's pulling so hard . He 's still young though , and he 'll learn eventually . Behind us , Buck isn 't exactly walking with the group . He keeps stopping at every single fence post to bark at some leaves or leave a message for others . Christy calls him and tries to tug him to keep up with us , and even Debbie and the old man give a holler . Izzy just boasts challenges to incentivize the slow poke . As for me , I 'm just trying to save my breath . It 's my first walk in a while , and I 'm definitely out of shape . The old man stops , so I do as well , giving my haunches a rest on the shaded walkway . Apparently , we 're all going to wait for Buck , since this is supposed to be a group activity . But seeing as how I 'm going to be out of breath by the time we get to the park , I don 't think I 'm going to be doing much playing . My water bowl drops down in front of me , empty . The flimsy thing was cool , but it wasn 't producing any water no matter how much I licked it . What I didn 't see was that the old man was trying to fill it up , but I was in the way . It 's okay though , since I did get a cooling shower in the process . I shook off the water , trying to keep it from getting in the ears ( that does not feel good ) , and then commenced to enjoying a few laps in the water bowl . It wasn 't much further to the park . The big trees loomed overhead , just now beginning to fill back up with shade . From here , I could see a few dogs and their companions playing together . There were some people grouped together under the trees , cooing and chatting with one another . Izzy was tugging harder than ever now , whining that he was missing some immediate fun . Buck sounded our arrival as the gate opened up and we entered the park . Izzy and Buck immediately raced away , joining a game of keep - away . Some Great Dane had the ball and was charging ahead of the pack , barking challenges to the pursuers . As for me , I 'm going to take a rest with the old man here . We sat on a shady bench , taking a moment to catch our respective breath . We both took some water and followed it up with a recharge treat of jerky . I was careful to eat it in secret , as other dogs might see and want . I know I would . After a little cool - down time , the ball emerged from the bag and the old man tossed it out into the field . He looked at me , and I looked at him . I sighed . Okay , I guess I 'll go get it for you again . He does this to me every time . I go get it for him and all he does is throw it away . It looks like it 's going to be a busy day at the park . Jason Duron is a short story writer and author of several fiction stories . Curious and lovable as dogs can be , the Adventures of Rocky give you a chance to see daily life from a " dog 's eye view " and share in their thoughts . Please enjoy , and we hope that you 'll feel free to comment and give us insight into your dog 's very own " rocky " adventures . Stretching is my primary concern at the moment . It feels so nice to wiggle my paws and see how long I can make myself . In addition to feeling good , it is a great way to instigate a good belly rub when someone else is around . But , I 'm all alone right now ( on the couch ) hanging out for the afternoon . That 's when I hear the wrappers . The rustle and the noise give advice to the fact that the old man is probably preparing an afternoon snack . And that 's enough reason to dismount my comfortable spot and head for the kitchen . Back on the ground , I find that my leg is all tingly , almost like I stepped in some stickers . I must 've been sleeping for a while . And even with the sun popping out earlier in the day , my schedule hasn 't changed much from the regular snooze moments I 've been accustomed too . The sensation goes away after a few moments , and I 'm back on all fours by the time I get to the kitchen . Yup , the old man has definitely spread the jelly on the bread , and snack time is about to commence . It 's time to put my sweet - face on . No one can resist my level of charm . At the table , the old man settles down to enjoy his tea ( which I 've never gotten a single lap of , but it 's apparently delicious ) , and is munching on a snack . First , I have to get his attention , which is done with a light pawing at his shoe . Once I do that , I put on my cute face . I try . I try harder . I even add in a tiny woof to make sure he knows what he 's supposed to be doing . But , he just shakes his head . No , this is impossible . No one can resist my charms . Why ? Why would you deprive me of such goodies ? I ask him this , but his only reply is that I shouldn 't have it . Why shouldn 't I have it ? That 's outrageous talk ! We 've enjoyed it together for so long now ; I can 't see why I shouldn 't have it . Then , with a silent , but meaningful gesture , the old man pats my flanks . I know I 'm cute , but quite frankly , I 've always thought that the little chub on my sides made me just irresistibly adorable . And that 's an image I intend to maintain . But the old man doesn 't waver from his decision , so no snack - sharing for today . Though , he does offer me something . It 's something new , a treat I 've never seen before in my life . Well , maybe I have , as I proceeded to munch it down too quickly to take note of the visual characteristics . The thing here is that I 'm teased with the treat . Is it mine ? He puts it close enough for me to smell it , which only makes the situation worse because it 's quite fantastic . The bag crinkles and crunches in his hand , assuring me that there are more where this came from . He doesn 't give it to me though . Instead , he walks away , the treat dangling in his hand . We exit the kitchen and enter the living room , the old man walking as I hop along , trying to snatch it from his grasp . Before long , I 'm huffing and puffing , finding it more difficult to breath than normal . I can 't help it , as the very idea of munching on that treat has me so excited . I have to get it . But the old man moves faster and he 's getting harder to keep up with . So , I turn and race the other way in an attempt to cut him off . But , all he does is turn the other way , and I 'm forced to keep up with him . We dance like this for a while , with my breathing getting difficult at every turn . I stop to cough every few bounds I take , slowing my efforts to get at the goods . Finally , the old man caves in and stops the teasing , offering me the treat and rubbing my back while I enjoy it . And even though it doesn 't taste awesome , the effort to get it made it all that much more enjoyable . He pats my sides , letting me know it 's something we need to work on . And quite frankly , I agree . I 've been a little too lazy for too long , and such games ( plus a walk ) definitely give me a chance to stretch my legs more often . Jason Duron is a short story writer and author of several fiction stories . Curious and lovable as dogs can be , the Adventures of Rocky give you a chance to see daily life from a " dog 's eye view " and share in their thoughts . Please enjoy , and we hope that you 'll feel free to comment and give us insight into your dog 's very own " rocky " adventures . Back in my cushion pile , I double check to see if any paws have been prying at my secret stash . Ball ? Check . Fluff collection ? It 's still here . Bone … Where 's my bone ? Someone has been here . Someone has taken my bone . Panic sets in at first . Who would have taken my bone ? Who would know where it was hidden ? No one knows about my stash , not even my best friends , Izzy and Buck . And surely , Christie and Debbie wouldn 't want it . Or would they ? I have to calm down . There are too many variables racing through my mind right now and all I 'm doing is blaming everyone . But , it can only be one of them , so I have to find the clues that 'll lead me to my bone . Let 's see , the old man and I began our travels many days ago ( I have since forgotten when it was that we left ) , and as far as I know , there wasn 't anyone else in the house when we left . I dig in deep , sniffing all of my treasures to see if there are any trace elements of the perpetrator . There 's nothing on the ball , but I catch a faint whiff of something different stuck in the fuzz . Evidence ? It 's not the old man 's scent , but it is somewhat familiar . The fluff pulls apart easily , revealing a new item caught in the tangles . It smells fruity , and a little gummy , like those treats that Christie likes to snack on sometimes ( she doesn 't ever share those ones ) . This is a great clue to start out with and gives me an excellent place to start investigating the whereabouts of my bone . But first , I eat the clue ( just to make sure nothing is overlooked ) and it isn 't that great . It 's time to go check on some possible suspects . Down the hall and out into the yard ( it 's nice to be able to go out whenever I want to again ) . I braced for a cold blast , but was met with a comfortably warm breeze . I can already smell the new grass beginning to grow and even the birds have begun hopping around in the tree again ( though the leaves aren 't there yet ) . How could this be ? I 've been hiding my things there forever , and suddenly everyone knows where it is . And I know that if Buck knows , every dog in the neighborhood surely knows . Then it hit me . Buck did have my bone . If he knew where it was , then it 's obvious that he took it . " So it was you that took it ! " I accused . " Why did you try to lie to me ? You must 've known I 'd figure your scheme out in the end . " " You asked if I had seen it . I didn 't . But Christie , she could smell it , " Buck chuckled to himself . " She went over there to take care of some things , and I heard her scream that she 'd found something smelly . " " She could smell my secret hiding place ? " I was befuddled . Rarely could our companions appreciate a good sense of smell . But , she must 've liked it so much that she took it for herself . And that 's just rude . " I guess it 's gone now . I really liked that bone too . It still had a lot of flavor stuck to it . " " I don 't think she liked the smell , so I 'm sure she didn 't keep it , " Buck assured . " In fact , I think it bothered her so much , that when she came back out , she tossed it out into the yard . And I don 't remember her picking it up . " I scanned the yard , searching for anything out of place . Zigzagging , I checked under sticks , leaves , and even some dirt . Then I caught a whiff of something . It was strong and powerful , floating in on the breeze . I followed it right to the far edge of the fence , and uncovered my bone . Victory ! I knew I would find it . And now , it 's time to chew . Unfortunately , the smell was obviously less appreciated by others , and as soon as I returned it to its spot , the old man found it and replaced it with something new . And this one did taste a little better too . Jason Duron is a short story writer and author of several fiction stories . Curious and lovable as dogs can be , the Adventures of Rocky give you a chance to see daily life from a " dog 's eye view " and share in their thoughts . Please enjoy , and we hope that you 'll feel free to comment and give us insight into your dog 's very own " rocky " adventures . I peeked out my little window , and watched as the old man stared outside . The rumbling has since faded into a distant hum , so I can 't quite figure out what 's so interesting outside that window . The old man has been staring out of it for a while now , occasionally stopping to check on me . But he seems so intrigued about what 's out there . There 's no way I can see it , though . Being stuck down here in my little box isn 't exactly fun , and the entertainment is fairly limited . Just me and my bone to pass the time , and since I can 't sleep , I 'm pretty much up for the rest of the trip . It doesn 't seem that boredom has this furry critter by the tail . Rather , it is fear . Perhaps it 's their first time travelling ? I was so unsure about what was happening the last time I was in this situation , so I decided to offer some advice . " Keep it quiet . " I whispered back harshly , " They don 't like it when you start yelling . I 'm Rocky , and this isn 't my first time in this place . " " I can 't see , but the good news is that it can 't get in here . I stayed dry last time , so no worries when it comes to the weather . Just be cool and everything is gonna be all right . " " They 'll do that , but it 's still hard for me to sleep here . It 's just too strange . I 'll talk to you though . We just have to keep it down , " I assured my new furry acquaintance . " That might be true . My old man has been staring out there for a while now , so I guess there might be some fish outside . Or maybe , it could be a picture box that shows stories . The old man likes staring at that thing when we aren 't playing outside . " " I like staring at the aquarium just because those fish do the funniest things sometimes . One time they go left . Then right . Then they swim into the cave and pop out the top . You never know what they 're going to do . Ah , it feels nice to talk to someone else . My name is Lucy . It 's very nice to meet you , Mr . Rocky . " " It 'll be gone in a minute , wait and see , " I assured . And it was . After a few moments of shaking and tossing about in my cage , things calmed down . And it was time to go . The old man picked me up and we began to make our way out of the place . Then we bumped into to someone . I heard the old man excuse himself , but for a moment , we were face to face with them and their companion . I stared out of my window and into hers , noticing her long whiskers and a very fluffy face . It was Lucy . " Meow , " was all she said , thanking me for the company , even if it was only for a short trip back home . We wouldn 't normally have gotten along well in any other situation , but today was different . And we proved that to each other . So always be ready , because you never know where you might meet your next friend … or who they might be . Jason Duron is a short story writer and author of several fiction stories . Curious and lovable as dogs can be , the Adventures of Rocky give you a chance to see daily life from a " dog 's eye view " and share in their thoughts . Please enjoy , and we hope that you 'll feel free to comment and give us insight into your dog 's very own " rocky " adventures . Things are definitely weird around here . The old man and I have been here for a while now , hopefully just visiting . The people - pups have been most entertaining to play with , but I haven 't really had much opportunity to get out and enjoy the lifestyle I 'm accustomed to . Usually , I would wake up , stretch my paws , and check on the old man to make sure he 's getting our breakfast ready ( where he proves himself incredibly dependable ) . And then it 's out into the yard to check for any mail , trespassers , and empty myself out . But in this place , I 'm basically stuck in our den . And there 's not much room to play around in . There 's things under our bed , blocking me from investigating or even hiding some of my treasures I manage to sneak away with . The worst thing is that the door is always closed . Now in our house , there aren 't many closed doors . There 's one in the hall , which has the epic responsibility of keeping that noisy sucker - upper thing locked up so it can 't tear around the house ( except every other week , when the old man makes the mistake of opening the door ) . There 's only another one that leads down into the basement , and I don 't care much about going down there . But here , the one door in this den always stays closed . I 'm always trapped in here , and only on occasion do I get visitors . Mostly it 's the old man , feeding me and then carrying me outside for a short walk so I can take care of my necessaries . Other than that , I 'm pretty much just hanging out by myself . It 's really not that much fun , and I can 't wait until we get back to our own home . Footsteps outside the door informed me that the old man had come to fetch me for a little time out in the sun , which I 'm extremely grateful for . The door opened , and the old man popped in . But he wasn 't here to get me . A quick rummage through his bag and he was done , headed for the door . I stopped him at the door , telling him that I needed to go out , but he told me to get back . I had to go . I had to get out of here , even for just a moment . The old man didn 't have a chance . As soon as the door was cracked and he had stepped through , I shot out like a lightning bolt . All that energy for the past few days had been stored up for this one magnificent romp through unknown territory . One door . Two doors . Then out of the hallway and into the big room . The people and their pups were all seated on the couch , chattering away in their silly talk ( which I won 't even try to make out this time ) . Then I was spotted , which was made clear by the high pitched yelps of surprise . The people - pups gave chase , and I led them in a fantastic game of tag . They were bigger than me , but not as cunning . Under the table and behind the desk I raced , evading their grasp with every dashing move I could muster . Then the pair of them got smart and split up . We had been running circles , but now they were coming at me from both sides . I had nowhere to run but up , right into the lap of the lady - person . Because she wasn 't in the game I didn 't think she was going to play any part in the set - up , but perhaps that is what they wanted me to think . Sometimes these people can be so clever . I was held fast in the trap . And then the rubbing started . It began on my neck and gave way to a little scratching behind my ear . That felt good . Then the people - pups joined in , and eventually the old man had settled down too and everyone was sitting on the couch , including me . The only one not happy about the situation was man - person . He sat there , his arms crossed , eyeing me in a rather irritated manner . Perhaps he was upset because he wasn 't part of the game , or that his lady had won . He even tried to take me and give me back to the old man , but the lady shooed him away , as if he were a pesky squirrel . I think he was a little jealous , and with good cause too . After all , you don 't get much cuter than me ! Jason Duron is a short story writer and author of several fiction stories . Curious and lovable as dogs can be , the Adventures of Rocky give you a chance to see daily life from a " dog 's eye view " and share in their thoughts . Please enjoy , and we hope that you 'll feel free to comment and give us insight into your dog 's very own " rocky " adventures . Well , the trip wasn 't what I had expected . While I couldn 't see anything out of my little window , I was sure we were headed down one extremely bumpy road for a while . But other than that , the road was smooth going uphill . Up and down we went , my ears popping on occasion which left this incessant ringing sound somewhere I couldn 't quite place . But after we had arrived , and met the astounding number of new scents that it brought , it was back out to where I could see again . And that is a very good thing , since I 've had a chance to potty since we first left . The old man plopped me out , leashed me , and set me to explore the new location . That 's where I met them . The new people . They were a nice couple , but I had no idea who they were and they seemed not to care much for who I was either . They were just a couple of strangers . But it 's their people - pups I was more interested in . The pair of them took right to me , petting and rubbing and scratching behind my ears . Oh , I really like them . So we went home with them . I had to stay in my little tent bag , but this time the trip was a lot smoother and it helped that my bladder was empty too . The whole ride along , the people - pups kept checking me out through my little window , occasionally putting their paws close enough so I could give them a sniff , mostly checking to see if they were handing me a treat . When we finally arrived , I was unleashed upon the yard to explore the new scents and listen to the odd sounds . Everything was abuzz , from birds chattering about a twig and a nest , to a squirrel squeaking at me to get out of his yard . I didn 't and instead found a hole he had dug and pulled out some of the goodies he had stashed - just to let him know who the boss around here was . The indoors were amazing , though there were rules for me to abide by . The people made that very clear to the old man and me . I could go here , but not there . I wasn 't allowed in their room or the kitchen or the other room . In fact , I wasn 't allowed much of anywhere at all . I was lucky enough to be able to bunk with the old man . With the door closed and the old man 's things being unpacked , I decided to unpack my own stuff . My ball , my favorite fluffy that Christy gave me , and a treat I had stashed when no one was looking . I took it and hid it behind the bed post where the old man wouldn 't find it . I can 't eat it in front of him , since he 'll probably want some too . After he had unpacked , the old man told me to stay and left me by myself . I tried to follow him , but he pushed me back with a firm " no . " Then he left . So I waited . Maybe he had gone to get some snacks for us . Perhaps he was just going potty . I don 't know and I couldn 't hear much of what was going on out there . Occasionally he laughed , but then it was quiet again . That is until my door opened . The people pups had come to join me . Or rather , I had now joined them . The girl picked me up and carried me out and into another room . It was completely different in here , not to mention that there was a really strange smell . It was almost like the woods like that time we went camping . But there were no trees here . At least none that I could see . Then I was introduced to the source . A small creature , fluffy and smelly , was wiggling through a maze of tunnels and burrowing in some wood chips . It was a strange critter that also seemed intrigued by me . Its little paws pressed tight up against the cage and its nose wiggled to catch a whiff of my scent . " My name … is Sir Whiskers the Fluffy , and all that you see is my kingdom . There is none other like it , " the critter proclaimed . " You may leave me now , as it is time to run in the wheel of infinity . " Then the little critter turned and hopped into a wheel where he began to run . The funny thing is that it went nowhere . What 's the purpose in that ? With introductions out of the way , it was time to play . And that we did . Overall , today was a good day . Though the trip was a little bumpy , we met some new people and made some new friends , even if one of them is a little strange . I can 't wait to tell Izzy about this one . Jason Duron is a short story writer and author of several fiction stories . Curious and lovable as dogs can be , the Adventures of Rocky give you a chance to see daily life from a " dog 's eye view " and share in their thoughts . Please enjoy , and we hope that you 'll feel free to comment and give us insight into your dog 's very own " rocky " adventures . Like I said before , I think I have to potty . Luckily , it 's just an " I think " for right now . It 's hard to tell if it 's just all the commotion around us or if I forgot to take care of business before we left . A little tingling compared to the mild shakes can be difficult to differentiate , especially if one were to find themselves as worried as I am . I can hear all the voices and foot - steps echoing in this place ( and a low rumble from somewhere I can 't quite put my paw on ) . I even catch the scent of some old leather shoes that seem to call out for a little nibbling , which would definitely help take my mind off the present situation . It helps when I imagine the old man 's shoe I hid away long ago , just for this type of occasion . Bad thing is , I can 't get to it right now and I doubt it would fit in this small tent with me . Sure I can move around , at least as long as the old man is holding onto me . But as soon as I hit the ground , that blasted top comes down on me . And I would like to point out the fact that a good old game of blanket - hide and seek is fun , but not this time . Not a good time . Not a good place . Right now I can hear the old man speaking and making his silly sounds , some of which I have yet to decipher . At this moment , what I would really like to hear is that it 's time to get out so we can get to playing . For the first time since we arrived here , I decided to speak , just to make sure that we were planning to play sometime soon . All I got was a " hush ! " from the old man . Not mad , but he was definitely a little upset . You 'd figure that with all the commotion around us , nobody would mind if a pup spoke up about their playtime . But there was no sense in arguing . Once the old man hits the " quiet " button , I 'd better keep my comments to myself . The nice thing is that after enduring a bumpy ride in my box ( the old man was definitely having trouble carrying me , and I probably should lose a few pounds ) , we started traveling like the kings we are . The car was quiet , simply rolling past other people with graceful speed . I could see them flash by through my little windows , which remained un - obscured as long as I kept the roof from plopping down too much . When we stopped , I noticed something very peculiar . That rumbling , the one I mentioned before , was very near us . I could hear it , but it said nothing in particular . Just a low howl , almost lonely it might seem . So I howled a little , just to see what it would say . And just as the old man told me to hush again , the howl drowned to a whine . And I don 't like whiners , so I decided to ignore it . Unfortunately , we were back to bumpy cruising . I tried to stay as flat on the floor of my box as I could , so I wouldn 't slide around , but it was a hard task set before me to do so . But eventually , we settled down . Well , my heart didn 't settle down , but the journey seemed to have come to a climax . The old man stashed my box on the ground , but I could still see him through my window . He looked calm , but I know that face . I could hear his heart going a little fast too . Whatever is going to happen , it 's got the old man excited . Must be a good thing we 're here . But once again , he hushed me . Such attitude . What could I have done to make him upset ? I 'm a good pup . So I turned to my squeaky for answers . It always comforts me in these times of confusion . The mellow consistency of the " squeak " is rarely appreciated by our companions , but I adore it . Makes me feel good . I didn 't get to squeak for too long though . No one took it away from me . It wasn 't that at all . It was that once distant howl . It had turned from rumble to thunder . It was thunder I could feel in my very paws , and with it came the most amazing feeling ever . It felt like I was flying . Jason Duron is a short story writer and author of several fiction stories . Curious and lovable as dogs can be , the Adventures of Rocky give you a chance to see daily life from a " dog 's eye view " and share in their thoughts . Please enjoy , and we hope that you 'll feel free to comment and give us insight into your dog 's very own " rocky " adventures .

Charlotte is devastated by the events of last spring , and the last thing she wants to do is return to Paranormal Public for her senior year as if nothing has happened . Unfortunately , she doesn 't have a choice . As she and her friends fight to find out what happened to their friend , and hope for a bit of normalcy in a paranormal world turned upside down by darkness , Charlotte is forced to confront difficult truths : sometimes blood is stronger than loyalty , the bad guys win , and you have no choice but to lose what you hold most dear . " We need to talk , " said my stepfather . I was lounging on the couch , waiting to return to Paranormal Public the next day after a short visit home to see Ricky . Now my little brother was at a friend 's house , but we had spent the weekend talking and playing and eating . Every time I came home it was harder to leave him , possibly because I knew very well that I might die fighting the Nocturns before I had a chance to see him again . I was so surprised at what my stepfather had said that at first I didn 't respond . He hadn 't said a word to me since I had come home , not one word . Ricky had given up badgering us into talking , and the silence only bothered me because I knew it bothered Ricky . Otherwise , I had expected this visit to go the way of the others . There would be several uncomfortable silences and then I would leave and return to Paranormal Public . This weekend , though , I had caught my stepfather giving me several strange looks . I had simply ignored them . We had so many problems back at Public - like where was the Globe White and why had elementals murdered my mother and what was Caid 's possible involvement with Malle - that having my stepfather act strangely didn 't concern me . " Okay , " I said , carefully closing my book and laying it on the couch next to me . I sat up and raised my eyebrows . " Where is safest ? Outside ? " he asked , motioning to the window to point out the great outdoors . My stepfather was not an attractive man . Not that I cared , but I had always wondered what my mother saw in him . He was short and balding , with a slight potbelly and wispy bits of dull - colored hair . He didn 't say much , and he spent his evenings watching TV . He worked at a lumber hauling company and we had a small house . The only good thing I could say about him was that he was dependable . In all the years they were married , I don 't think he ever missed a day of work . Mom claimed they had taken a honeymoon , but there were no pictures of it , so I didn 't really believe her . " It 's going to be difficult to talk if you can 't get a word out , " said my stepfather . " Come on . " I quickly pushed myself off the couch , which wasn 't very comfortable anyway . I liked to sink into my couches , and this one was too hard too allow much sinking . My stepdad had gotten it after my mom died , and I had taken it as a comment on what kind of man he was . My mom would have picked a better couch . It was a stormy day , with gray clouds threatening rain from early morning . I had walked Ricky to his friend 's house and told him to call me so I could walk him back . He had informed me that he was too old for that and he 'd walk himself home . My stepdad was already grabbing a jacket , even though he was never cold . I was always glad to leave the house , because he and Ricky were fine with the place freezing at a time when I wanted to be under eight quilts . I grabbed my coat and put on my boots , because there was still snow on the ground from December . Then I pulled on a knitted cap , covering the long brown hair that was so like my mother 's . When I grabbed the doorknob to go out , I had a sudden flash of when Cale had visited . We hadn 't heard from him since he had joined the Paranormal Police Academy , and I wondered how he was doing . At least he was away from his ex - girlfriend , Camilla Van Crazy . " The woods ? " he asked , pointing . I nodded . Our house was half surrounded by forest , and it had been a long time since I 'd been in any other woods than the ones around Public . We fell into step next to each other , neither of us saying a word . I wondered if my stepdad was going to ask me not to come home anymore . I was surprised he hadn 't already , given how little liking he had for my presence . We both knew it would hurt Ricky if I stopped coming , but Ricky was getting older . Soon he would be able to visit me instead of my coming to him . I wondered if I would ever come back here after that . My hands were shoved deep into my pockets , and I could see my breath billowing out in front of me . I merely nodded . So , this was it . " It was difficult with you , " he said . " I knew you weren 't mine , and you made no secret of how much you despised me . Your real father was always a presence , even if neither of us knows who he was . I blame your mother for not telling you more about him . You had all these fantasies of what a great father he would have made , a far better father than me . " He shrugged . " I am what I am . I knew I 'd never match up with the idea you had in your head . And I was bitter that in order to have your mother , I also had to be saddled with an angry teenager . " " Okay , " I said , ordering myself to calm down and not get angry . " So , you don 't want me to come back anymore ? " I couldn 't help it . The words just came tumbling out , and it wasn 't until after I had said them that I realized how hurt I 'd be by it . " No , " he said . He rubbed his hand over his bald head . " I loved your mother . I knew she didn 't love me back . I knew that . To this day I don 't know what she thought she was doing , except now I see you , and I see more than you think . There 's something very strange about you . It was the same with your mother . I would speculate , except that I couldn 't possibly believe it to be true . The only good that has come of it is that I have a better idea why your mother married me . " " I love Ricky , " he said . " You love him too . It is the one thing we have always agreed on . Our saving grace . Our common ground . I love him as if he were my own . " He took a deep breath . " And I will protect him as if he were my own . Until my dying breath . Until you figure out how to protect him , as I 'm sure you 're trying to do . I do not want any harm to come to that boy . I am his father . Regardless of his blood . I am his father . " I had never heard my stepdad sound so fierce or so sad . He laughed bitterly . " It wasn 't hard . Your mother brought much of her magic stuff with her . I never pried , but sometimes she would leave it out . Sometimes strange things would happen . I tried to ask her about it and about you . It wasn 't until recently , when you went off to college and strange things continued to happen , that I realized that Ricky - " My stepdad shook his head . " Ricky came along soon after your mother and I met . I was a little surprised at the time , but I was so happy to have your mother and Ricky that I didn 't think about it very hard . There was never a doubt in my mind that he was mine . " " I 'm sorry , " I said . " As am I , " he said . " I wish your mother had told me , but I see now why she couldn 't . " When we returned to the house my stepdad motioned for me to follow him . " I have something of your mother 's for you , " he said . " It 's a box , but I can 't open it . I thought you might have better luck . " " While we 're on the subject , " he said , " is there anything I can do to help your brother ? " I wasn 't sure what subject we were on , but I bit my lower lip . I 'd been thinking about that as we walked . I wanted to give my stepdad some way to help , but I wasn 't sure what that could be . " But you have no way to contact me , " I said thoughtfully . " If something goes wrong , you need a way to call for help . I can give you that . " " Very good , " he said . He handed me the box he had been holding , and I took it slowly . My hands slid over the smooth dark wood and my stepdad let go . I knew we were both holding our breath , wondering what would happen at my touch . Nothing . There were no sparks , no magic opening . It was merely a wooden box . There was another circle of wood in the middle , a completely separate piece , but I couldn 't get it to move or come off , even with tugging . " You can 't open it ? " I asked . He shook his head . " I remember your mother putting things in there , pieces of jewelry and some papers . I used to tease her about it , because she would hide it whenever she left the house . Why hide a box no one can get into but her ? I had to assume that it was because there was a way to open it , and now I figure that if anyone can figure out what that way is , it 's her daughter . " My throat felt tight and my eyes burned as I looked down at the box . I too remembered it . My mother loved that box like nothing else . I had known that my stepdad still had it , but I 'd been afraid to ask . Now he was handing it to me . " I don 't know why mom died , " I cried . " I still don 't know . All I know is that she was killed by friends . " " I don 't think so , " I told him honestly . If I was the only living elemental , then the elementals who killed Mom must have died since then . I hoped they had died , because if they hadn 't it would be the first time I really wanted another paranormal dead . " Words have power , " my stepdad said . " The day your mom agreed to marry me , it was with words . She sealed our fates together and made me the happiest I 've ever been . " That 's my stepdad for you , never grand , never over the top , just " the happiest I 've ever been . " " Fine , " said my stepdad . I turned to walk away , back to read my book in the living room until Ricky came home . " Charlotte ? " my stepdad called after me . I turned around to face him again , my feelings a jumbled mess . I noticed that the wood floor had the same throw rug on it that had been there when my mom was alive , but now it was worn and frayed at the edges . The floorboards were starting to separate in places and the wallpaper Mom had been so excited to hang when we moved in was peeling a bit . He hadn 't changed a thing . " Yeah ? " I asked , unsure how to interact with this man who knew my secret and who had decided to keep it , not for me but for the woman he had loved and lost . What a life . Ricky wanted to know how I was leaving . He wanted to know why I didn 't need a ride to the airport or the train station or the bus station . He informed me that if I was hiding a car somewhere and not giving him rides I was a horrible sister . " Ricky , " I said , exasperated , " for the millionth time , I don 't have a car . " I threw up my hands . We were sitting out back on a makeshift rope swing my dad had put up years ago . It was old and covered in dark spots from water and wind , but it was still sturdy . Ricky 's small hands were wrapped around the rope as I pushed him from behind . " Yeah ? " I said . I put both my hands on his back and gave him another shove , feeling the softness of his fleece jacket . He was growing up , but he still wasn 't very big . " Tell me about Mom , " he said quietly . For a moment I thought I hadn 't heard him right , that his words had caught the wind . But after a pause I knew I had . I was about to say no one when the memory of a man flashed before my eyes . He was tall and impossibly handsome , with pale skin and dark blond hair . His green eyes sparkled as he looked at my mother . My mom had been beautiful when she was young . Who was that man ? Was he a figment of my wishful imagination ? Maybe he was a friend of hers , or maybe he was one of the ones who had banded together and killed her . " Mom loved to cook and she loved to sew , but for some reason she was a great cook and a horrible seamstress . She always claimed that she didn 't have the patience for it , but I know that wasn 't it . Cooking required patience too , and everything she made was glorious . She also loved to decorate . She wouldn 't even set foot in this house until they 'd redone the downstairs , and it was a big deal , because your dad didn 't make a lot of money , so she was very careful about cost . I remember one summer when we were pregnant with you we went around and found stuff on the side of the road . All of it was either really cheap or free . " I paused . I had told Ricky that Mom was happy about him and it was the truth , but that summer , I remember very clearly , she seemed sad about something . Whenever I asked her about it , though , she told me she didn 't want to talk about it . " Do you think Carl is really my dad ? " Ricky asked . I nearly slid on the cold ground as I was about to push him again , and I had to stop to keep from falling . " Uhh , " I started to say . He looked away . " It 's okay , " he said , so softly I could barely hear him , " you don 't have to answer . " We stayed out in the cold for a long time . The tenuous balance of secrecy and childhood was fading . Ricky had questions that deserved answers , and it bothered me that I couldn 't tell him everything he wanted to know . Chief on my mind was the green - eyed man . A very small part of me wondered , just a little bit , if his real name to Ricky and me was Dad . I slept on the couch , because at this point I felt trapped in a bed , or almost anywhere else . After Carl went to bed I pretended to sleep so Ricky would go up to his room . I was leaving at first light , but before I went there was something I had to do . Mom was buried nearby . Carl had been absolutely vehement about this . Since she didn 't have any family to come claim her , he was determined that she be buried in a plot in the woods . It was small , but it was on the top of a hill called Mountain ( no , the irony is lost on no one ) and in the summer it had overflowed with flowers and the fragrance of the living . The small plot was almost overrun , and Mom loved it . We would pick blueberries up there and have walks and picnics . I hadn 't been up there since she died . I just couldn 't stand it . After talking with Carl and then Ricky , though , I now couldn 't stop thinking about her . I had spent most of the last two years trying to block any memories that came up , because whenever I thought about her I couldn 't also help thinking about the bitterness . Why hadn 't she told me more ? If I was so important to the paranormal order , and my life was in danger , why hadn 't she told me ? Why hadn 't she told me who my dad was ? Why did I have to grow up without a mother ? Why couldn 't she have been there on my wedding day ? That last bit I had snorted at , but secretly I dreamed about marrying Keller . I dreamed about that whenever I was sad or feeling low , and I pictured how happy we would be . Happy and free of Nocturns . Just happy . Now I wanted to see Mom 's grave . Now that the memories were returning I thought about how we would always go up there in the summer , and the truth was that we wouldn 't pick blueberries , I would . She would disappear for a long time . Usually when she came back she looked like she 'd been crying . I rolled off the couch and moved as quietly as I could . When I was home I didn 't wear my ring , because Ricky would have asked too many questions . But I kept it on a chain around my neck , because I didn 't want it to be out of reach if Ricky or I was attacked . He rolled his eyes . " Are you going alone ? " he asked . " You shouldn 't go alone around here . Strange things happen . I keep seeing big black dogs in the neighborhood . " His words sent chills down my spine . I knew there were hellhounds everywhere , waiting for Ricky 's protectors to slip up , and all they would need was a second 's lapse . It terrified me that they knew where Ricky was . I mean , they had for years now , but I could understand why Mom had felt better hiding us away . I was panicked all the time . " Your girlfriend sounds brilliant , " I said , enjoying Ricky 's startled face . With a grin I pulled the door open and left , leaving Ricky staring after me on the stairs . He knew this was all strange , but I wondered if he knew a lot more . Before dinner I had Contacted Keller . He had planned to meet me after I left home the next morning to fly back with me , but I wanted him to come tonight so I didn 't have to visit Mom 's grave alone . I hurried out of the house and away . Now that Ricky had seen me leave the house , I didn 't want to fly until I was far away from his observant eyes . If he saw me on a broom he 'd lose it , so I was more and more grateful to Lisabelle for for teaching me how to fly . I rushed through the woods , slipping my necklace off as I moved . I was no longer afraid of the the trees and the wind . Having to get to Public through a demon - infested forest had cured me of that . I shook my head , smiling . " Nope , perfect , " I told him . He landed in the inch or so of snow that was left , mixed in with a few leaves and pine needles , so I heard the crunch of his boots hitting the ground . He wore dark - colored jeans and a hoodie , but no jacket . Guys were seriously never cold . It was ridiculous . As he furled his wings I didn 't wait for him to say hello . Instead , I threw myself at him . It had been almost two weeks since I had seen him and I desperately wanted a hug . He laughed and caught me . We 'd been dating long enough now that he wasn 't surprised by such behavior . His hands rested on my ribcage for a second , causing sparks , before he wound his strong arms tightly around my middle . My mouth found his , and then neither of us said anything for a while . " Let me help you with that , " he said . I might have expected him to take my mittened hands in his , but he didn 't . Instead , he just kissed me soundly again . When he pulled away I made a deep noise of protest in the back of my throat , which made him chuckle again . " Sorry , " he said . " I told you I didn 't want you to be cold , and your lips looked like they were freezing . " " Thanks for going with me , " I said . " Do you really think this will get you closer to finding out what happened to your mom ? " He used his fingers to rub my spine , and I closed my eyes for a heartbeat . Keller snorted . " Maybe it just runs in the family . " That earned my boyfriend a glare , but he just grinned . " Come on , you 're right . We should get going . " " Tell me about your vacation , " I said . Instead of letting me go , Keller swung me easily into his arms . I once thought I 'd feel childish in this position , but with Keller I never did . One of his arms looped under my knees , while mine went around his neck . " Ready ? " he asked , our faces inches apart . His lips were a little red and I was glad he couldn 't see the major blush I must have going on . " Huh ? " I asked . I barely felt him push off , I just had a sense of the air moving as his dark wings unfurled . Fallen angel wings were always pictured as white and pure , but that was a common misconception . They were actually dark and strong and there was nothing delicate about protecting health and goodness . There was only kindness and strength . I looked out over the dark treetops . Some still held snow , while others were bare . I searched for my house , but it wasn 't visible from here . I could see the main village , though , and past that the school Ricky attended . It all looked perfectly quiet and normal . I wondered if all the sleepers would be terribly upset if they knew that at that very moment a fallen angel was soaring high above them . Probably , in fact . They 'd probably be very upset . " Over there . " As I said it I pointed in the direction of Mountain . It wasn 't anywhere near the tallest peak around , but I remembered it by heart . Keller turned in that direction , holding me tightly . It was too loud to talk while he flew , we 'd have had to yell , but I was content just looking around and having Keller there . With no flowers blooming or blueberry bushes growing wildly in winter , the cemetery was starkly visible . The old gravestones stuck out from the snow . Keller landed on the edge of the tree line , careful not to disturb the dark peace . Gently , he set me down . I slid out of his arms and pulled my coat back into place , then straightened my hat . Keller eyed me . " Procrastinating ? " he asked . I gave Keller 's chest a playful shove . " Keller ! " I cried . He smiled , but his hand never stopped touching me , he just kept trying to comfort and protect me . I couldn 't have done this without him . I sighed . " I guess . " I looked nervously at the gravestones . This was going to be harder than I thought . " I remember this place so differently , " I confided to him . " I know , " he whispered . " But you 're strong . You have to do this and you can . I 'll be right here with you . " I nodded and stepped away from him , reaching up to take his hand . " Come on , then , " I said . I moved slowly . Somehow every crunch of snow beneath our feet made me flinch . It was totally quiet out here except for us . " Do you think demons watch this place ? " I asked . I wasn 't sure which one was my mother 's plot , so I stopped at every headstone . Some looked older than others , but there were enough so that finding Mom was going to take a few minutes . " I think demons are watching everything at this point , " said Keller quietly , still following behind . I glanced back at him , which made me come to a halt . He shrugged . " This is going to get worse before it gets better . " His blue eyes looked black , but I could still tell they were filled with worry . Keller bent down to examine the headstone , which looked relatively new . He brushed away the snow at the front , just in case the letters were covered , but there was nothing . No name and no date . " I don 't know , " he said . " Could it be your mom 's ? " " No , " I said , stepping around him , " because she 's right next to it . " There was the simple gravestone I remembered . Carl had tried to talk to me about what to write on it , but I had thrown something at him , I couldn 't remember what . Maybe a book . I took a shaken breath and knelt down next to Keller . " Are you okay ? " he asked . He was no longer looking at the unmarked stone , but instead at me . " Yes , " I whispered . I knew tears were streaming down my face , but I didn 't care . " It just says beloved mother , " said Keller . " That was nice of your stepdad . " " Hi , Mom , " I whispered . " Sorry I didn 't come sooner . I wanted to , but I just didn 't have the strength . Carl gave me your box today and I 'm trying to open it . I need to find out who Dad is . Ricky wants to know too . " I took another shaky breath . " Carl isn 't Ricky 's dad , is he , Mom ? " I was crying harder now . I touched the top of the gravestone . There were flowers there , dried , but not that old . Frowning , I picked them up and examined them . I recognized the label from the local flower shop . Sighing , I put them back . Carl hadn 't mentioned coming up here , but maybe he did . " How do I open the box , Mom ? " I whispered , staring down at the flowers through my tears . It was hard to see between the water and the night . I closed my eyes and let the hot tears continue to trickle down my cheeks . " I know there 's stuff you keep from me , " said Ricky . " Lots of stuff . I know , because I remember Mom too . I might have been young , but there were , there are , strange things that happen . When are you going to tell me ? " Unfortunately , Elemental Earth is going to be a few days late . I 'm really sorry about that . I was doing so well with my release dates ! It 's frustrating and I 'm sorry again . : ( It will be at least a week , but I 'll try and write another post when I know for sure . Happy fall ! I think . . . I do NOT like being cold . Anyway , as most of you probably know , I have three series . One Black Rose , Paranormal Public , and Spiral . I 've been concentrating on Paranormal Public , and with only three left go to ( with a potential spin - off for Lisabelle ) I wanted to get my lovely readers input on which series they would like to see continued . I do have a plan for three more One Black Rose books , but they 've been on hold . Would you want more One Black Rose ? What about Spiral ? Hello Lovely Readers , I have to choose a name for the next installment of Paranormal Public and I thought I 'd go to you all for help . I have several options , but can 't decide . Elemental EarthElemental LostElemental RegretElemental DreamThoughts ? Votes ? Feedback welcome Posted by First , Happy Monday ! I hope you 're all having a lovely start to your week ! Just to let you know , Paranormal Public will be free on Amazon starting tomorrow , so spread the word ! Also , I got quoted over on the Awesome blog Angela 's Reading Cave and I 'm SUPER happy about it . Keller would be too . ; ) Check it out ! ! ! Charlotte returns to Public for her junior year . She 's intent on fighting the Nocturns , but many paranormals are happy to bury their heads in the sand , or worse , side with darkness . She can rely on the loyalty of her friends , but that won 't be enough to stop the forces of evil . Will Charlotte stand alone , or will the paranormals rise to help her ? Posted by Elemental Air is in the finishing stages . I 'm hoping it will be released by the end of July or right around then ! Have a look at the cover : - ) I 'll post the blurb over the weekend ! Morning ! ! ! So , this book is a little over 82 , 000 thousand words , which is about 18 , 000 thousand words longer than Elemental Dawn . I 'm pretty sure the longest of the series was Elemental Rising at about 85 , 000 . Happy reading : - ) First , I 'm delighted to say that the next book in the Paranormal Public series , Elemental Fire , should still be published by June 1st . I know , wow right ? ! ! I 'm super excited about it and starting tomorrow will start to post some quotes , so be sure to check those out ! I 've posted a lot of Lisabelle quotes recently ( I know we love her , although she really wouldn 't appreciate it ) , but I 'll try to find something else to quote tomorrow . Also , I should have the cover in the next few days and I can 't wait to see what you all think ! Here we go : - ) Can 't wait for you all to read it ! I 'm so excited . Also , usually I take a break in between books ( you may have noticed ) , but I am shooting for a June 1 release date for the next one . . . it will therefore probably be a little after June 1 : / but hopefully not much ! Happy reading lovely readers : - ) I will post a link to Elemental Dawn on Amazon when I find it ! ! So excited for you all to read it . Thanks so much for all your support ! You 've been wonderful ! I will also have a bit of other exciting news when I post the link , so look forward to that AND here is my review of a book I just loved ! I 'll be upfront about it , I loved Oracle of Philadelphia . I was a little nervous when I heard the storyline , because I have read a lot of angel / demon books and I was not sure Oracle of Philadelphia could give a fresh take while still respecting the myths , but Corrigan did a truly excellent job alleviating my fears . Really , the novel could have been longer and gone into more depth . What I liked best were the characters . I tend to admire authors , Samantha Young is one , who draw wonderful characters . I am now adding Corrigan to that category , because she develops her characters carefully and thoroughly , until they are clearly drawn . Each character 's personality is slowly revealed through dialogue and action . Corrigan also handled pacing , the development of events , and the revealing of information in such a way that I could not put the book down . There is a lot going on in this story and it would be so easy to lose a handle on all the threads . Here is what I mean : Carrie is the Oracle and gives advice , she has a complicated history as to why she chooses to help the advice seekers that she does , she may or may not be in love with an angel who may or may not love her back ( swoon ) , and she has to make frequent treks to hell . All of those strands could get muddled and lost if the story were not in the capable hands ( fingers ? ) of Corrigan , who weaves the different parts seamlessly together . In the same vain , I also tend not to like books where the plot jumps back and forth , but again , that aspect worked seamlessly here . In other news , I love Bedlam . Like , a lot , so there 's that . In Charlotte 's fourth semester at Public everything is about to change . Princess Lanca 's father , King Daemon , has been murdered , and Lanca will ascend to the vampire throne . But danger lurks around every dark corner and no one knows whom to trust . Can Charlotte and her friends come together to protect the princess against darkness , or will they be too late ? Happy almost spring ! I am very excited for the warmer weather and with it a new book . The next Paranormal Public , Elemental Dawn , should be out by the end of the month . YAY ! ! In the next week I will release the description and soon after that I may just have a cover to show everyone . I am super excited ! Thanks so much for your patience and to everyone who contacted and motivated me . It 's wonderful to hear from you . I hope you all are having a wonderful start to 2013 ! ! It 's cold here in New England , but so so beautiful . I wanted to let you all know that I am planning a mid - March release date for the 4th book in the Paranormal Public series . I do not have a title yet , but will start to post quotes from the book in the next week . Thanks so much for all your support and messages . They mean the world to me . Greetings and happy reading ! Thanks for coming to check out my blog . I 'm the author of the Paranormal Public , One Black Rose , and Spiral series and I love hearing from readers !

I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . It wasn 't like his apartment was a monument to the secret that he was keeping in his life . There was no evidence of his lover anywhere in the apartment except for the master bedroom , and bathroom . The contact case that was in the top drawer . The hairbrush , and the few styling products that lived in the corner of the counter . The second rag in the shower , and the second set of bath products . Any profiler could look at the bathroom and see that a second person lived there . In the bedroom , it was the closet with a second style of clothes , as well as , a whole side of the dresser with socks that he 'd never wear , and a drawer with boxer briefs . Aaron could name them all because he worried about having to hide them . Aaron stared at the bedroom in utter shock . The closet door was open , and he knew that he and Spencer always kept it closed . The drawers that had held Spencer 's things were open and empty . He hadn 't been in the bathroom , but he figured it would look the same . The only evidence that Spencer had been in the room was the book on his side of the bed . It was on the nightstand where the genius had set it down when he carried it from the living room . It was one of Aaron 's law texts . I thought that this relationship was something different than it was , and the blame for that falls totally at my feet . I just cannot be in the type of relationship that you so obviously want . I am going to be using up two weeks of my stored up leave . It has already been cleared . I told Cruz that you were at a family party , and I was unwilling to bother you . I told him that I had some family issues that popped up . I hope that by the time I get back we can go back to what we were . Coworkers . I will not be asking for a transfer from the unit , so if you cannot accept that , I am sorry , but you will have to transfer me . You will have to explain what happened to the team . I would prefer it if you allowed Garcia to call me about case work from now on . I will not be answering phone calls from you unless I am working . I will abide by whatever decision you make about Jack but know that I will always be there for him . I will be in his life as much as he wants , but again , if you decide that I am to not be part of his life , you have to tell him that as I will always tell him the truth . Doctor S . Reid Aaron sat down on the bed and stared at the letter . He had known he would have an upset Spencer when he got home if Spencer had even stayed . He knew there would be fallout , but he hadn 't expected this . He figured he would have to woo the younger man a little to get back in his good graces . He really hadn 't expected this at all . " Dad , where 's Spencer ? " Jack asked as he entered the room . It was summer so his bedtime was later than normal . Aaron didn 't know what to say . He moved to the drawers and shut them , hoping Jack didn 't seem them empty . " I 'm sorry , buddy . Hey , maybe he 's online . " Aaron hoped he was . For Jack 's sake . Jack smiled and took off towards the living room . The sounds of the Xbox starting up sounded through the apartment . Aaron sighed and moved towards the couch . Jack had his headphones on and a controller in his hand . The smile on his face when the screen loaded up told Aaron that yes Spencer was online . " I 'm getting ready to head to visit family , Jack . I 've had some family issues that popped up . I have to leave in an hour to catch my flight . We can play for a little while . " Jack hadn 't turned the volume of the TV off yet . Spencer 's voice sounded normal . " You always say that when you don 't know what to say , and you are making sure you don 't say the wrong thing . Spencer , what 's wrong ? Why didn 't you go with us tonight ? " Aaron cursed his son in his mind . Over XBox Live was not the way that this was supposed to go . There was a pause . Just long enough for Aaron to know that Spencer was weighing his answers . Jack stared at Aaron and then he ripped the headphones off his head and ran off . Aaron followed . Unsure of what his son was doing . He expected to find him in his bedroom , but instead , he was in the master bedroom . He had the drawers that had been Spencer 's open . The drawers were just as empty as they had been when Aaron had found them . He wanted to hate Spencer . The man cared so much for Jack that he was willing to go with whatever lie Aaron wanted to concoct to make Spencer the bad guy , just to have him not hate his surviving parent . Jack moved away from the dresser and grabbed the cordless phone sitting on its cradle on Aaron 's bedside , and started to dial . He looked at Aaron as he walked past him and into his own bedroom , slamming the door shut . Next , he heard the closet door shut . All he could do was wait . He had no clue what Spencer was telling him . He wanted to know , but he wouldn 't betray Jack 's privacy . Aaron dropped to his ass just outside his son 's bedroom door and waited . He listened for any noise . Any little thing that would tell him what was going on . Thirty minutes , and he heard a door open , but it wasn 't the one in front of him . It was his front door . He heard the door shut , and heeled feet striding down the hall . He looked up to see Jessica standing there . The look on her face reminded Aaron so much of Haley that it was stepping back into the past . She didn 't say a word just knocked on Jack 's door , and then it opened . Jack was standing there with Aaron 's old go bag in his hand , and his backpack over his shoulder . He hugged him quickly and then was moving away . Aaron didn 't understand . " I 'm sorry , Aaron , " Jessica said as she followed Jack . Jack was upset , and Aaron could understand that . If Aaron had somewhere else to go , he would . He didn 't understand what had caused this . He needed to do that . Aaron thought back over the day . The morning had been perfect . Spencer had stayed the night , and Aaron had woken up wrapped around him . It was a late morning . Cruz had told them all to wander in whenever they wanted before noon given their caseloads lately . Aaron had heard Jack in the living room watching TV , so he knew that he 'd be occupied at least for a little while longer . It hadn 't taken long to wake up Spencer and have a hushed , slow round of morning sex . Showers , and then a late breakfast of eggs , bacon , and toast with juice for the three of them . Spencer had moved to the living room to settle in with a case file from the C . A . R . D . team on an active case they were working and wanted his help with . Aaron had ushered Jack through getting ready to drop him off at a friend 's for the day . Many of the stay - at - home mom 's of Jack 's friends were more than willing to watch him throughout the day while he was at work during the summer months , so that Jessica could have some days to herself , and not have to work and watch him . Jack had been so happy when he had worked it all out . Work at the office was fine , up until Aaron had gotten ready to leave early for the birthday party for a set of twins by one of Haley 's cousins . The twins were just a year older than Jack and were his closest friends in the family . There had been a smaller birthday party for the extended family over the weekend , but that night had been for the kids . An evening at a paintball / laser tag range . Jack had been so excited to go . There were going to be plenty of adults there , and it was a chance for them to catch up . Aaron hadn 't even thought about going until Jessica had pointed out it was the part of the family that didn 't blame him for Haley 's death , who knew that he had done everything he could have to save her . The invitation had even named Spencer . Aaron had just thought they were being nice . There was no hating him for Haley 's death , and bringing his younger than him male lover to a birthday party with his dead ex - wife 's family was something that Aaron would have never would have thought would be something accepted . When Jack and he had shown up , no one said a thing . There had been a few looks , but then Aaron was in his work suit , not having enough time to change out of it . It was rare that he wore suits to family things . The twins had been in the middle of a laser tag match , but as soon as they had seen Jack , they were across the room , pulling him away . Samuel had asked where Spencer was , and Aaron had answered that he hadn 't been able to get out of work . Jessica had asked where he really was , and Aaron had answered the same thing again . He already had the discussion with Spencer that he didn 't think it was right to display him in front of the family . That the twins only wanted him there , and it would make things awkward . He wondered then why Jessica had brought it up . Surely she understood . Aaron sighed and leaned his head back against the wall just as his phone went off . He jerked it out of his pocket a lot harder than he would have . He hoped it was Spencer . When he saw who was calling , he sighed again but answered it . " Aaron , I was hoping that Spencer was around . " Valerie was the twins mother and Haley 's cousin . " Samuel and Tina want to thank him for their gift . " " The sweet man had it messengered over . It arrived at the same time that we arrived home from the party . It was a shame that he wasn 't able to make it . One would think that since you are his boss that he would be able to get the night off , but I understand that he was probably very busy . " The tone that Valerie used told him that the twins were right there and that she didn 't believe a word that she was saying . It was then that Aaron figured it out . It had been a family outing that Spencer had been invited to . A family outing that Aaron denied him the right to go to . Family . " I 'll give you Spencer 's cell phone number . I 'd texted him first , though . He tends to not answer numbers he doesn 't recognize . " Aaron didn 't want to be on the phone any longer . He didn 't want to be there . " His cell phone number is the best way to reach him . " Aaron rattled off the numbers and then hung up . He jumped to his feet and grabbed his keys , leaving the apartment . He got into his car and drove to Reagan . He found that the flight to Vegas was leaving in the hour . He had enough time to catch Spencer . The plane was just starting to board , but there was no Spencer . He bought a quick ticket to Vegas . The money didn 't matter to him . He took a seat and waited but twenty minutes before the gates were going to close , Aaron knew he wasn 't coming . The only family that Spencer cared about was in Vegas . Where else could he be going ? He looked at the doors and made the decision that he was going . A quick call to Cruz had him off for at least the next day . Thankfully the man could tell that something was wrong , and gave him the day willingly , with more if needed . Aaron was the last to board the plane . He took his seat and waited . He was thankful that no one was seated in the seats beside him because his leg bounced the entire way to Vegas . His thoughts were on getting Spencer and making sure that he never left again . The night 's problems were wholly at his feet . He had known going in that Spencer was all in . He knew that the younger man craved family , and Aaron had brought him and made him part of the family , but their little family of three was the end of that scope . He could see where Spencer felt that he was a dirty little secret . Those words hadn 't been used in the letter , but the tone was more than enough . He screwed up so much . Aaron cleared the airport , waiting for a taxi to take him to Bennington before he tried to call Dave . It was the middle of the night and the man didn 't answer . That didn 't shock him . He left a message stating that he wouldn 't be in the office that day . Changing his mind halfway there , Aaron had himself dropped off at a car rental place . He didn 't want to rely on taxi 's to get around . He was just about to pay when his cell phone started ringing . He looked at the caller ID . It was Garcia . " Sir , why was Reid 's passport pinged ? I didn 't even know he had a passport . " Garcia sounded alert , more alert than she should be . " I have security protocols set up that tell me when weird things happen . Obviously , Morgan going to Cuba or other places like that don 't ping , but Boy Wonder 's passport for Germany would be worthy of a ping . He flew out five hours ago . Sir , what 's going on ? " " I know that he asked Cruz for two weeks leave . " Aaron waved at the person to stop . He covered the phone . " I guess I won 't need the car . I 'm sorry for wasting your time . " Aaron uncovered the phone and stepped outside the car rental place . The only family was in Vegas . So who was in Germany ? " He told Cruz it was a family thing . " " Hold on . " The clacking of keys told Aaron that she was at work . She probably got the ping and went in to see if it was worth calling in the rest of the team . " I don 't ping anyone that Reid is related to in Germany , or the surrounding area . I do have … an email from … Prentiss that states she 's in Germany . It even has her address . Why is Reid going to see Prentiss ? " " I don 't know . " Aaron waved down a taxi , naming the airport he wanted . The driver grunted and then they were off . Why was Spencer going to Germany ? Why was he going to see Prentiss ? " What did you do to Spencer , Sir ? " Garcia 's voice hardened as she spoke . Their relationship was still where neither of them wanted to share with the team . Dave knew . He was their watcher . Making sure they didn 't do anything stupid on cases , and when they did , he would call them on it . So far nothing had happened , yet . " And he 's going to Germany to get away from you ? Not home to his mother ? Not here to any of the team , but all the way to Germany ? What kind of lover 's spat did you have that sent him all the way to Germany ? " Aaron wasn 't shocked that she knew . He wasn 't really sure if everyone on the team knew but never mentioned it because they wanted their privacy . " I basically told him , and I didn 't know it at the time , that I don 't consider him part of my family . " Aaron waited . He expected a blow - up . He expected the stuttering gasps that told him that Garcia was pissed . He never expected her to hang up on him . Arriving back at his apartment six hours later , Aaron exited his car . He was shocked to see Roy standing there at the elevator . He looked and didn 't see Jessica . " I had her drop me off an hour ago . Some woman named Penelope called and told her that you were catching a flight back from Vegas and that your boyfriend was on his way to Germany . Jack was a little upset , but when Jessica explained he was going to see Aunt Emily , he settled down . You and I need to have a talk . " " I was never happy when Jessica said that you had moved on . Told me you were dating again . I can 't stand the thought of you happy with Haley dead . She never would tell me who you were dating so I talked to Jack a lot . Never asking outright . It took six months for me to figure out that this Doctor Reid , Spencer , was the boyfriend . I was shocked . I was angry . Pissed . I was half tempted to call your boss and tell them that you were sleeping with a subordinate . Then Jack was talking one night about something that he and Spencer did , and that 's when I saw it . Jack loved him . You are always respectful , never inviting him over to things that the family is going to be at . Making sure he isn 't around when I am visiting Jack . I may be losing my mind , but I 'm not an idiot , not yet . I can tell that you love Haley still . The divorce was never because of a lack of love . This Spencer understands you in a way that no one else has ever been able to , except for Jack . Spencer has been the best thing in Jack 's life since Haley died . There was a reason that the selection of those invited to the birthday part was so small . It was all the family that you and he could be yourself around . He was invited , and you told him no . That wasn 't your right . " " No . I 'm talking right now . You fucked this up royally . Valerie called Jessica , and now at the apartment is Valerie and her husband , Samuel , and Tina , Jessica and Jack . I 'm sure that by the time they are done , Spencer will be more welcome at family gatherings than you . Jack 's already made the decision that he 's not coming home until Spencer comes home , and if he never does , he never will as well . When he figured out why Spencer didn 't come to the party , he broke down . I 'm sure that he doesn 't mean it that way , he 's upset , and we all know that he got his histrionics from Haley . " " That 's right . Jack spent that time on the phone , and Spencer told Jack that he would always love him , but that sometimes relationships didn 't work out , and that no blame was going to be laid at Jack 's feet . It was him , and it was you that messed it up , but that the both of you loved him . I listened as Jack told every single bit of this to Jessica . Jack put it together when the twins told him that Spencer had messengered over the present . You have a lot of things of what you want out of life , Aaron . You had the white picket fence , and it wasn 't enough . You had a man that loved you more than life itself and loves your son so much that he 'd rather that son be upset with him over something that wasn 't his fault than have him upset with you . No one in this family will stop Jack from seeing Spencer . At the moment the women are treating this like a divorce . The holidays at which Spencer is going to be invited with Jack and the ones you will be invited with Jack are being doled out . I wouldn 't be surprised if by the time I get back there is a whole conclave of Brooks women and some men weighing in . " " Yes . That 's something else that I know that you don 't . I know why he ran to Germany . I know who Aunt Emily is . Aaron , when someone says they should probably tell you who their past lovers have been , you really should listen . Especially when that last lover 's name is Emily Prentiss . " Aaron stopped breathing , stopped moving , stopped everything but thinking . Spencer had tried hard for two weeks to talk to him about his past lovers . In the end , the genius had dropped it rather than fight . Aaron could understand now why his lover had been wanting to tell him . " I think that it 's time I take my leave . Jack or Jessica will call when he 's ready to come home . " Roy was silent as he lumbered out of the apartment . Aaron dropped onto his couch and just sat there . He didn 't know what to do to fix this . He could hop on a plane and got to Germany , get on his knees and beg . Makes promises that he had every single intention of keeping . He was trying to flesh out his plans when a knock came at the door . He ignored it . Sighing , Aaron moved and threw open the door . Morgan , Dave , and JJ were there . He took in the stormy looks on their faces and knew that this wasn 't going to be pleasant . JJ entered first . She looked fit to be tied , and Aaron wasn 't sure that he was going to survive this . Entering her second trimester had made her a mama bear of epic proportions , and since she couldn 't mother Henry while at work , the team was the fall guys . With Spencer getting most of it . " Spencer has landed in Germany and Emily has him . I wanted to come alone , but Morgan wanted a piece of you , and Rossi is here to make sure that if we kill you , there won 't be a trace back to us , " JJ said as she sat down on the couch that Aaron had been sitting on . She looked like she belonged there . Morgan took a chair while Dave stayed in a neutral position . " I know that I messed up . Nothing you say will put that into my head more than it already is . I just can 't … he left , and he didn 't talk to me , and I understand why . We are a family and I didn 't understand what the Brooks ' were offering when they invited him . " " You want to know the really stupid part of this all ? " Morgan asked . Aaron looked up at him . " Reid started to sleep with Prentiss after Gideon left . It continued up until he was infected by anthrax . That 's almost two years of that boy having sex with Prentiss , and no one knew . No one knew until Prentiss told us two hours ago when she called to figure out why Reid was running . She 's pissed . " " Because we all knew the moment that he started a relationship with Hotch . Almost down to the second . He couldn 't hide it . He didn 't want to hide it , but we never brought it up . We kept our mouths shut . Now we have Reid in another country , and Jack is hiding away with the Brooks family . " Aaron wasn 't expecting to find Spencer alone at a place called Zur Letzten Instanz , Garcia had tracked down the use of a credit card there to within an hour of Aaron arriving there . Aaron looked around the restaurant area first before he moved to the bar . Spencer was sitting at the end of the bar , hunched over a glass of bourbon . There were five seats open between Spencer and the person closest to him . Aaron moved over and sat down beside him . " What are you doing here ? " Each word was careful and precise , another indication that Spencer was drunk . Aaron had only ever seen him drink like this when they were out with the team . Morgan had always taken him back to his place after to crash . He never drank like this after he and Aaron had gotten together . " Well , Prentiss called to tell us that you arrived in Germany , and from there Garcia tracked your credit card to here . Spencer we do have to talk . You have had more than enough time to build a sky - high wall between us . I 'm sorry . I shouldn 't have stopped you from coming to that party . It wasn 't my right when your name was on there too . I love you and I hurt you without realizing what I was doing . Can we talk ? " " Because I was afraid of what pushing you on the Brooks 's would do . I didn 't even think about the fact that it was the first invite with your name on it . I should have asked Valerie why it was on there . I should have talked to you . I should have done a lot of things differently . " Aaron 's fears were still there , but now the fear was what would happen if he didn 't have Spencer in his life . The Brooks 's weren 't going to turn him over for sleeping with a subordinate . " Where the coats are ? No . " Aaron was used to Spencer 's non - sequiturs . Of course , to Spencer they never were . It just took Aaron a moment to up . " I couldn 't pull my things out of your place . I had them packed , and I was pissed off at you , but I just couldn 't do it . I love you , and I love Jack , and I couldn 't just leave . I expected you to have Garcia give over Emily 's number and force me to talk to you . Not show up in Germany . " Spencer sighed into his glass of bourbon before he downed it . He waved at the bartender and the man walked over . In near perfect German , Spencer said something to him and the man nodded . Within a moment there was a receipt handed over , which Spencer signed . " Did you drive or take a cab ? " " Hotel Berlin . I got a suite . Are you sure that you don 't want to go back to Prentiss 's and wait until morning to talk ? We don 't have a time limit . The entire team is on stand down . Cruz was worried about your family thing and then realizing that it wasn 't , that 's when I hopped a plane to Vegas to try and talk to you . I told him that when I got back that I would explain everything . Well , I had Dave tell him that . " Spencer just made a noncommittal noise as a taxi pulled up to the curb . Aaron opened the door and Spencer slipped inside of it . He moved as far away from the other side of Aaron as he could get . Spencer gave an address to the driver and off they went . Aaron didn 't try to talk while they were going to wherever Spencer was having them taken . When the cab driver stopped in front of a very posh building , Spencer got out , handing over money to the driver . The man drove off as soon as Aaron shut his door . " Come on up , " Spencer said . A night security man opened the door for them as the approached and nodded at Spencer for a few seconds before nodding at Aaron . " He 's fine . " " That 's Emily 's personal elevator . I 'm on the list of allowed people . The guard was making sure that I wasn 't being forced to allow you in . " " Oh . " Aaron looked around the apartment and it screamed Prentiss at him . There was a picture on the mantel that drew Aaron over . He had never seen Prentiss smile like that . Aaron knew the bed , though . It was a picture of Spencer and Prentiss in bed at Spencer 's apartment . It was the same bed sheet set that Spencer preferred on it that gave it away . Prentiss had a bra on , and if the sheet was truthful , nothing else . Spencer was totally naked and only a small strip of sheet was protecting his cock from view . Spencer was telling Prentiss something and the look on his face was happy , but it wasn 't the kind of looks Aaron got . Prentiss was obviously in love , and Spencer wasn 't . " I don 't know why she likes that picture so much . " Spencer sounded tired . Aaron turned to see him sitting on the floor at the back of the chair . Aaron had seen him defeated looking before . Aaron knew he had done that . He 'd taken a strong man and made him doubt everything . " That makes no sense . " Spencer stared at Aaron as he moved over to sit on the floor in front of him . " She ended it . Before I was shot . She left me . I was in the hospital with Anthrax and she told me that we weren 't working anymore . " " You are like the sun , Spencer . " Aaron heard the noise the Spencer made when he was trying to pass off praise . Aaron moved over to straddle his legs . Spencer was still drunk , but he was sobering up slowly . At this close , Spencer couldn 't look away from him . " Then why does everyone leave me ? If I 'm the sun they shouldn 't be able to escape . " Spencer did look away from him then . Aaron sat down on the floor and moved to the space in between Spencer 's legs . He scooted just a little closer as he pulled at Spencer 's hips . The younger man didn 't fight him as he was pulled into Aaron 's lap , his back still resting against the chair . Aaron kissed the side of his head before he buried his face in his hair . Spencer 's body started to shake and Aaron wrapped his arms around him , pulling him into his embrace . Spencer 's sobs were so hard that he shook both them bad enough that Aaron knew he would be sore . Between the alcohol that Spencer drank and his crying , he was going to be massively dehydrated , and hungover in the morning . Aaron held him until he cried himself to sleep . Aaron was loathed to move , afraid to wake him up . Just after two am , the elevator doors opened . Prentiss stepped off looking tired . She didn 't even see them at first , and Aaron was loathed to call out for fear of waking Spencer . Prentiss moved to her safe and stowed her gun . When she turned , her eyes went right to Aaron . " Huh . I guess things didn 't go well . " Prentiss 's eyes went soft as she took in Spencer sleeping on him . " He looks so different when sleeping . " Prentiss crossed the room and shook Spencer . Aaron tried to grab her arm , but it would mean jostling him . Spencer uttered something unintelligible before he buried his head in Aaron 's neck . Spencer stood up and leaned into Prentiss as she escorted him to a bedroom . There was a bottle of water on the bedside stand that Spencer drank before he covered himself up . Prentiss moved back into the living room before she helped Aaron to stand . His legs were pins and needles from sitting too long with Spencer on his lap . " Yes . He sleeps like the dead after drinking . It 's part of why Morgan used to take him home on that night he drank too much . Afraid of him sleeping through anything . Are you going to sleep ? " " No ? " Aaron said . He didn 't feel like he could sleep , but he wasn 't sure what he 'd feel like in a few hours . " No , I haven 't . " Aaron moved into the kitchen area of the large apartment . It was an open floor plan , like a loft . Prentiss grabbed a few things from the fridge . Aaron recognized the makings of sandwiches . When the bread was handed over , Aaron started to put together hers before his . He smiled when he found pepper jack cheese in the mix and used it on his own while he used Colby for Prentiss 's . Coffee was set down in front of him . " I almost approached you about it when Reid said that you and he near fought about him wanting to discuss past partners with you . He said that he was sure that it was going to come up . Who told you ? " " My ex - father - in - law told me when he was yelling at me for upsetting Jack . " Aaron didn 't even want to think about how Roy was probably crowing . He would have told Aaron anything if it meant that Roy could push Aaron down a few notches , but there was no doubt that Jack loved Spencer . " Because he wasn 't in love with me , and wasn 't ever going to be . I loved him , and I still do , but I wasn 't going to keep him with me just because it was what I wanted . I thought that there was someone else that he wanted , but was living with what I was giving him . Then he came into work one day and he was happy . He was different , and Morgan wanted to make sure that he wasn 't using again , but I stopped him . I watched Spencer as he went about his life for a while . He was happier than he 'd ever been , and while we spent less time together , I wasn 't upset . We still went out and saw the movies that no one else wanted to see . We went back to friends just as easy as we had become lovers , and that shouldn 't be that easy if we were meant to be . Then I noticed a change in you . You watched him more and it wasn 't like after Hankel . You weren 't watching because you were worried , you were watching because you cared . " " You have lived your life making yourself happy with what is best for your image . Oh , you have shining moments where you do things that no one expected you to . Quitting your job as a prosecutor , joining the FBI , even becoming a member of SWAT . But after you settled into the BAU , you forced yourself back into that niche . You keep yourself separate from the rest of the team . The single most interesting thing that you have done in your entire life was fall in love not only with someone you work with but the fact that he is a he , he is younger than you , and he is also someone that you have power over . That goes against everything that you were raised to believe . " Spencer was made to stand out . His brain doesn 't allow him anything else . Every single facet of his life is a face that can 't hide . He 's tried for so long to hide , he hides behind his intelligence , he hides behind his job , he hides behind Morgan a great deal of the time . He even hides behind his mother . He uses her as a reason to not do anything , but he didn 't hide with you . He let himself shine just enough to get you . He wanted your happiness more than his own . He loved you enough to hide behind whatever you wanted because it 's what you do . Because of Jack , you couldn 't keep him a secret from the family . He thought that with time you would start to come out of that shell and allow him into that part of your life , but even when that part of your life was bringing you kicking and screaming still you denied him . He was faced with the fact that his happiness was never going to be put above your happiness and comfort . He could be happy never being put in front of Jack . Everyone in the world knows that you will never put anyone above him , and no one who deserves your love should ever think different . " " I saw this from the moment that I realized what you two were to each other . The rest of the team was happy because their two loneliest members were happy together . You have to make a decision . Stand out with him , or stay like you are , and lose him . You taught him not to hide , as a friend , as a co - worker , and as a lover . You created the man that Spencer Reid is today , and you have to choose between loving him for who he is , or letting him go and not destroying him . " " He doesn 't want you to march into Cruz 's office and give him a blow job . He wants to be able to go to a kids birthday party with you and Jack . He wants to throw Jack 's next birthday party , and have everyone that you two know to be there . Can you give that to him ? " Prentiss asked . " Aaron looked down at his cup of coffee and long - forgotten sandwich . He knew that he could do it . He just didn 't know if he should keep up the relationship . He loved Spencer , he even thought that he might love him more than he 'd loved Haley in the beginning . But look how that relationship turned out . Would Spencer be better , be happier without Aaron in his life ? Before Aaron could even voice his concerns to Prentiss , for her condemnation or her praise , a moan came from the bedroom that Spencer was in . Aaron was up and moving towards him before he could even think about what he was doing . Spencer was on his side and it seemed he was in the throes of a nightmare . Aaron toed off his shoes and climbed into the bed behind him , under the covers . Spencer was muttering and his hands clenched into fists . As soon as Aaron wrapped his arms around him , and started to shush him , Spencer settled down a little . " I 'm here , Pen , " Aaron whispered against Spencer 's neck . Spencer fought Aaron 's hold , but he didn 't want to let go . Aaron held him harder until Spencer let out a whine . Aaron loosened his arms , and instead of pulling away , Spencer rolled over . He buried his face in Aaron 's neck , the whine less pronounced , but still there . Aaron knew then that he couldn 't walk away from Spencer . " I love you so much , Spencer . I 'm not going to let you go without a fight . " After spending a few days in Berlin with Spencer , Aaron could tell that Spencer was hesitant . Aaron didn 't blame him at all . They talked to Jack every day , and the boy always looked so upset if Aaron was alone on Skype before Spencer would come over and sit beside him . Jack and Jessica were there to pick them up from the airport when they flew back to the States . Jessica drove , and Jack forced Aaron into the front seat so that he could cuddle with Spencer in the back . There was a whispered conversation in the back the entire way home , and Aaron never asked what it was about . Going back to work wasn 't something that Aaron had been looking forward to . He had to face the team , and while he got Spencer back , there were a lot of hurt feelings . Aaron figured Morgan and JJ would be in his office to talk to him , but no . The person waiting was Cruz . " When I took over as Section Chief for the BAU , I was warned not to mess with your team . Family was the word used and I could see it . I 'd known it from Jennifer long before , but seeing it was a whole different matter . The way that Morgan gets away with picking on Reid , but if anyone else does , the entire team gets pissed . It 's made this team a better unit , and the best profilers . So when Doctor Reid ran to Germany , I did a little digging . His mother is in Vegas . His father , if that word can be used for him , is in Summerlin . The rest of his biological family is unimportant . There is no one related to him by blood in Germany . Agent Prentiss is stationed there , I found out . So what sent him running to her ? Of all people ? " " As I said I did some digging . Talked to a few other members of other BAU teams . Listened to gossip . Figured out what was truth and what wasn 't . A lot of talks happened when the rumors made it around that Reid had gone to Berlin to see Prentiss . Everyone knows they were friends and Reid is young enough that a switch in jobs isn 't out of the realm . So the AD and I have two proposals for you . " " Reid is talking with AD Richmond now . He 's being offered the same deal as you are . One , you step up to my job as Section Chief , or two he gets his own team . " Aaron stared at Cruz . Both were steps up for the both of them , but Aaron was basically having to choose between the job he loved and the job that Spencer loved . He wasn 't going to force Spencer away from the team . " I 'll take the job as Section Chief , " Aaron said as he sat down in the chair to his desk . Before he could say anything else , Spencer entered the office with AD John Richmond on his heels . The AD was smiling . Spencer though glared at him before looking at Cruz . " The Brass is deciding whether to allow the relationship or screw us over . Two choices , one that hurts one , and the other hurts the other . If you had chosen to screw me , they would know the relationship isn 't a good one , and who knows what would have happened . " " He chose door three , the same one that I told you that he would , Cruz . He told me to take a hike . If I made him tell me , he would have chosen to take his own team because Hotch 's job means a lot to him , but I didn 't force the issue because door three hurts all of us . " " He goes into Academia . I told you , Cruz , that you should have left things alone . " Richmond sounded upset , but not at Aaron or at Spencer . " Cruz is being pulled back into his own job by the State Department . They want him overseas . He was hoping that this would make you choose it , and he wouldn 't have to worry about finding someone else . " " See it doesn 't work , though , Aaron would still be my boss . Sign my reports . It 's not a slap on the wrist for having a relationship that is frowned upon . " " Oh no , see . I 'm already taking over all of your work , Spencer . Dave Rossi doesn 't want it , and no one else does either . Your petulant side is very well known , and while you never write anything in a report that maligns anyone , when someone pisses you off your reports triple in size . The one hundred and thirty - eight page report that was given while Hotch was on two weeks leave during the affair with Gideon 's leaving is still passed around as what happens when one pisses on the BAU , " Richmond was smiling at Spencer fondly . Aaron hadn 't known that Spencer knew him , professionally . " Strauss bitched when you would be upset with her , and turn in case files that were inches thick . She couldn 't censure you , though , as it was needed . Hell , I 've turned some of those files into teaching aides . What to look for at crime scenes . I meant what I said , Spencer , we don 't want to lose you . Not before and not now . " " I 'll still take it , " Aaron said . Spencer 's head shot around to look at him . Spencer 's eyes narrowed . " I think that a change will do me well . We don 't know who we would get in replacement of Cruz , and Morgan will step up as Unit Chief . " " Did Cruz tell you what the team I would lead would be ? " Spencer asked . Aaron watched as Cruz stepped out of the room and shut the door but the AD was still there . " Rapid response team that would take nonserial , but dangerous crimes . In the past three years , Spencer has caught seventy - eight cases where he has contacted locals and gave them help over the phone to catch a killer earlier based on what he has read in the paper . Patterns in crimes from his years of working with the BAU . Once it was someone who had been taking pets while working up to taking the object of his obsession . " Aaron saw the look Spencer gave Richmond , the man was still selling the job to him . Richmond stepped over to Spencer and laid a hand on his shoulder before he said something too low for Aaron to hear . That Spencer allowed the touch spoke more than anything else . It clicked in Aaron 's head then . The phone number in his phone that had no name , and a few texts that Aaron never got into . Sponsor John now had a full name and Aaron was shocked . " I 'll leave you two to discuss what your plans are . Maybe discuss it as a family ? " Richmond left with nothing else said , shutting the door behind him . " I do but priorities change as life changes . John said I could follow any of the teams I wanted . Maybe even the IRT . I can work from home and have two minions , hand picked by me from anywhere . " " Spencer , " Aaron said as he stood up and moved over to his lover . Spencer looked away from Aaron and wouldn 't look him in the eye . " Spencer . " " I like the work that we do , but the always being gone and never being able to set something down , and it stay set in stone has been getting to me over the past few months . If I can do the work , and maybe , maybe stop a few crimes from happening before it becomes a BAU case , I 'm still doing a lot of good . I can get through more consults in a day then the rest of the team does in a week . John meant it , I could work from home a lot . Set up an office that is secure , I can take cases home , and work on them there , over the summer , spring break , winter break . " " Because it 's what I want . Does it have to be anything more than that ? I 've had a single job for a decade , and it was my first job outside of college campus ones . Aren 't I allowed a change ? " Spencer asked , his voice forceful . Aaron narrowed his eyes at the tone . Spencer jerked out of his hold and moved to the other side of the room . Aaron followed him and spared a glance out the window of his office into the bullpen . The rest of the team was all standing there , looking at them . The AD was sitting at Spencer 's desk looking through a book . The team didn 't need this , so much upheaval in a short time . Aaron didn 't need it either . " Spencer , we have to talk . We can 't keep things bottled up anymore . You promised Prentiss that you would talk to me . I promised to explain things better and to listen , but you have to talk to me . " " Those days off I 've been taking haven 't totally been for the degree I 'm working on . I 've been spending them with Jack because I am enjoying it . I think that this is John 's way of making me happy , and not taking the job I love away from me . It 's not like I can 't do phone consults , or fly to the team if they need me . " " John isn 't making me . He 's giving me the chance to make myself happy . Do you want to be the Section Chief ? It would be a big change in your life . " Spencer turned to look at him again and Aaron could see in his eyes that he wanted this . Aaron got it then , that he had changed Spencer more than he ever thought that he had . Prentiss either hadn 't seen how much Aaron had shifted Spencer 's worldview , or she had kept quiet , letting Aaron see it when he saw it , leaving the shock for him . Spencer wasn 't cut out to be a stay at home dad any more than Aaron was , but this was as close as either of them was ever going to get . " In our lives . We can maybe set up two desks . Facing each other . Find a house big enough that the office is huge , and our desks can be an island . Surrounded by books . " " It 's summer , and Jack would love to be part of the hunt . With me and you leaving the team they are going to be on downtime while our replacements are hunted down . Your section is being created so it 's not like you are going to have to be here for a long time . Finding your two minions , though … " " You and Jack love those movies too much , " Spencer said , but he was smiling . It was a smile that Aaron hadn 't seen since before that birthday party . Aaron stepped over to him , kissing him for the first time ever inside of the building . Spencer gasped as he realized it wasn 't going to be a short kiss , but something more than that . His hands settled on Aaron 's stomach , fingers flexing like he was trying to stop himself from stripping Aaron . He knew that movement well when they were in places that having sex was frowned on . Spencer nodded , pulling back just far enough so that he could see Aaron and Aaron could see him . It was happiness , that was the only emotion on Spencer 's face . Aaron never wanted to put any other emotion on his face other than that , never again . 00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! Site TitleRough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . charliesdragonRamblings of a mad woman . . . Ladyholder . comWhere imagination runs free and fun is had by allCooking in the ArchivesUpdating Early Modern Recipes ( 1600 - 1800 ) in a Modern KitchenSkylar JayeGay Romance and Erotica AuthorPROMPTUARIUMthe writers store roomboffin1710All the nills in the binary code , and the subtle curve of a complicated function graphic . In the errors of a simple C + + program . A format glitch in an HTML . 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Posted on January 22 , 2014 | By admin | No comments Marc Harmon is an extraordinary person . He is special . I have loved him completely since almost the first moment I met him . I was on holiday with my parents and his family had the cabin next door . The very first day , while my parents were unloading the car I ran off exploring and saw him sitting on the balcony that ran along the front of their cabin . I ran straight over and stopped a few steps away . I started kicking at the dirt with the toe of my shoe and sending him shy looks from under my fringe . After a while his smile faded to be replaced by a look of confusion . He must have wondered what on earth I was doing . No , knowing Marc he was wondering why I hadn 't touched him yet . Marc is a very tactile person ; he loves to hug and be hugged . He is so sweet that everyone wants to hug him . Certainly at that point he was prone to throwing his arms around anyone who came close enough and kissing them . It 's one of his most endearing traits . Instantly the tears disappeared and that bright sunny disposition re emerged . He hugged me tightly and laughed . He has a wonderful laugh . No one who hears that laugh can help but smile , at the least . At that point I was distracted by a gentle touch on my arm . I turned and looked down into pools of liquid blue . I have always been quite a bit taller than Marc but it was more pronounced then . While I was staring into his eyes he touched my face and said , " Pretty . " I smiled even though I didn 't really know why I was smiling . If I had thought about it I would have realised that Marc 's actions weren 't exactly normal , even for a five year old , but I didn 't see anything beyond his angel face and bright smile . He made me feel warm , he 's had the same effect ever since . " Do you want to see my special stone ? " I asked Marc as she turned to leave . He smiled at me but didn 't answer so I took out the stone and held it out to him . It was my most treasured possession . I had found it on the beach the year before and it had not been more than a foot away from me ever since . The stone is about the size of an egg and fits snugly into the palm of the hand … at least for a child . It is blue , shot through with white lines , making a criss cross pattern through the stone . I thought it was beautiful ; so did Marc . He still has it . When the time came to take back the stone he gave it up readily but looked so sad that it hurt my heart . There were tears in his eyes and his lips were trembling . I have never been able to stand seeing him cry and so I handed it straight back over , hungry for the beautiful smile that rewarded me . After the third or fourth year of meeting up every summer our parents became so friendly ; initially they told me later because of the relationship that had developed between Marc and me ; that we started to spend other holidays together . Marc visited my home and I went to him . It was one of those friendships that only grew stronger with separation . When I was twelve Mr Harmon was promoted in his job and the family came to live only a short bus journey from my home . By then Marc had a sister , Judith who was four years old and as pretty as he was , although very different . She had the same sunny personality and sweet smile but she was bright and inquisitive , quick witted and talkative . Marc was much quieter , tending to sit back and watch ; waiting to be presented with things rather than seeking them out . He barely spoke and when he did it was usually single words or short , disjointed sentences . He made himself well understood though . By then I had realised that Marc wasn 't the same as everyone else , as anyone else . It wasn 't just his beauty and his sweetness ; it was more , much more . Strangely it was never an issue between us and it was a huge shock to me the first time I heard someone make a derogatory comment to him . I found in unbelievable that anyone would want to hurt Marc , he was so gentle and loving but one time we were at the beach and there was a group of boys , about my age . I was eleven and Marc was barely eight . We were walking through the arcade hand in hand . " I … " I had no idea what they were talking about but I knew danger when I saw it and I was seeing it in the form of four large pre teens with mean streaks a mile wide . If it had just been me I would probably have put up a fight . I was well built even then and have never run from confrontation . However , Marc was with me and the thought of him being hurt or scared was unbearable so I just took his hand and walked away , down one of the aisles . " Hey freaks . " One of the boys called after us and I felt Marc jerk . I stopped and looked at him . He had blood on his cheek . He had been looking back , curious about the boys and not understanding at all why they were being unkind . He 'd been hit by something one of them had thrown after us . For myself I could have ignored them and walked away but Marc was here . Marc was bleeding and crying and I had to protect him at all costs . I carefully let go of Marc 's hand . He shook his head and gripped my arm . " Don 't leave me . " He said in a small scared voice looking up into my face . I forced myself to smile and loosened his hand . " No , no , no , " Marc moaned getting more and more frightened by the situation , the threat that was now almost palpable . " No Jamie , no . I want to go home . Home Jamie , home . " One of the boys put his hand into his pocket and took out another stone . He drew his hand back but before he could throw I threw myself at him and caught him in the middle , knocking him to the floor . When he was flat on his back I pummelled him until I heard Marc 's wail behind me . I leaped to my feet and grabbed the nearest boy by the back of his neck and flung him against one of the machines . Marc was crouched on the floor , hugging himself , with his face half turned away . The boys were poking him and making derogatory remarks . " Are you alright ? Are you hurt ? " He reached out his hand to Marc but he shrank away and wailed again . I crouched down and reached out to stroke his hair . Slowly he turned his head and showed a face streaked with blood and tears . I smiled at him and a hesitant smile came back . " It 's alright now , Marc , " I said in a careful , even voice ; the one I always used when he was frightened or hurt . " It 's all gone away and I 'm here . I 'll take you back to your mam now . You know me don 't you ; you trust me ? " I was a stubborn kid . He looked at Marc , who by now was smiling his sunny smile again and looking at me with adoring eyes . The man smiled and nodded and then left us alone . I took Marc by the hand and led him back to our parents and all hell broke loose . Marc 's parents were very protective of him and they were all for calling the police . After first being cast in the role of villain for not taking care of him , once my mother pointed out that there were always going to be arseholes who didn 't understand Marc and that it wouldn 't be fair on him to keep him close all the time , I was suddenly a hero . Marc never went to school like I did ; he went to a special school in a taxi every day . I knew he hated it because I had to work hard to cheer him up every day when he got home . I don 't know why he hated it but I hated it too … just because it made him sad . He never learned to read , or ride a bicycle , or play football . There were a lot of things he couldn 't do but there were so many more things he could do . For one thing he could climb like a demon given half the chance . He climbed trees , mountains , climbing walls , anything and anywhere and I mostly got the blame , not that I minded because he was happy when he was climbing , and when he was running , or riding . Once , we went on an outward bounds course for … I won 't call it by its name because it doesn 't apply to Marc . Marc isn 't and never was disabled , handicapped or challenged ; he was just … special . The course was good though . It gave Marc the kind of freedom that he lacked at home and everyone was surprised by the way he took to the challenges . He was like a fish in the water and wasn 't afraid of anything . Once , when we were standing on the top of a tower waiting to jump off , trusting a rope and a few pieces of metal to get us to the ground , he put his arm around me and smiled his smile . " I 'll take care of my Jamie , " he said , and then he pushed me off . I screamed all the way down , but he didn 't . When he landed he grinned at me . " You 're okay , " he said smiling as if that explained everything and then he hugged me . I was fifteen and that was the moment I knew for sure I 'm gay . The smell of him ; the warmth of his arms ; the softness of his hair . Although later I felt guilty about it , about the way I felt , about who I was feeling it about ; at that time , that one glorious moment I was totally and absolutely in love with him . In some ways Marc never grew up . As we got older his childlike innocence became more and more pronounced as he reached the age he really should have left it behind . He never learned how to lie , how to cheat and steal , or how to hurt people . Marc would no more have hurt another person than he would have pulled his own teeth . That didn 't impress everyone . There were some who like to spoil perfection , to corrupt innocent . There were some who wanted nothing more than to tear him down and hurt him and every time they did I kicked their arses and built him back up again . It was never hard . Marc always found it easier to be up than down . When he was fifteen , almost sixteen something terrible happened to Marc , something he never recovered from . He lost his best friend ; his supporter ; his protector ; his other half . He lost his sparkle , his shine . He changed . He was broken . I didn 't know that any of that would happen when I accepted the place at an university almost two hundred miles away . I didn 't know that I would hurt my best friend so badly that he never completely got over it . I didn 't know that I would never see that light in his eyes again ; that from then on every time he looked at me there would be a shadow . At first when I tried to explain to him what was going to happen , that I was going to leave to go to school but I would come back for weekends and holidays , he really didn 't understand . He had no frame of reference . He had no concept of a life without me around . He didn 't understand and that was why he accepted it . It made me feel that it would be alright even when I knew deep down that it wouldn 't Both sets of parents reassured me that I was doing the right thing . His parents thought that without me around Marc would find a little more independence , that he would have to . I acknowledged that Marc relied on me totally , maybe too much and so I believed then . My parents thought that I would find more freedom , a life of my own , a girlfriend maybe . I let myself be persuaded that it was the right thing to do and I have to admit that the thought of total freedom was a rush . I started a degree in technology with a major in interstellar travel . My mother always said I had my head in the stars , and there I was about to be designing star drives ; helping people travel to them . It was exciting , stimulating , all consuming . I thought there were no limits , no boundaries . I had believed that Marc would learn to accept . I spent hours explaining what I was going to be doing . We looked at star charts , watched programmes about transports and cruisers ; I even rented movies about university life or star travel . I really thought that he understood , that he was okay , even happy for me , but I was wrong . The first time I came back for the weekend my heart broke . I went straight over to Marc 's house , even before I unpacked . He was in his room and I knew from the look on his mother 's face the moment she set eyes on me that he wasn 't in a good place . When he was almost eighteen and I was twenty one I finished university . I came home to find him so changed I wouldn 't have recognised him if I had met him in the street . I hadn 't been back for three months because I had finals to study for and parties to go to . I 'd had a life and I thought that by immersing myself in that life I could shut out the images that haunted me … images of blue eyes filled with tears . As soon as I walked through the front door my parents told me straight away that I needed to go and see Marc . They said that his parents were worried about him and they thought I would be able to help . I wasn 't . He didn 't want to see me . He wouldn 't talk to me and I grieved for how much I had let him down . He was a precious , precious gift , a sunflower and I had crushed his petals . I didn 't know what to do to make him alright again . " Better ? " For some reason I felt angry , so angry I wanted to hit them . " How could you say that ? There is nothing anyone could do to make him better . He 's perfect the way he is . " " Jamie … It couldn 't have lasted . Maybe three years ago I would have listened to you , believed you . Three years ago he was whole , he was happy but now … " She stopped . " You couldn 't have stayed with him forever . You have your own life . You have friends , a career , a future . You couldn 't have given all that up for him and that 's what it would have taken to keep him whole . You were always going to have had to leave sooner or later and it was always going to have broken his heart . " " You did do that Jamie . I know you didn 't mean to . I know you would never have hurt him deliberately ; but you did . When you left it tore the heart out of him and he has never been the same since . He 's broken , Jamie . Somewhere deep inside he 's lost his sunshine . He doesn 't smile any more ; doesn 't speak , barely sleeps or eats . " Marc was never going to be independent . He was always going to need someone to look after him all his life but we never meant to make that person you . We never meant to put that responsibility on your shoulders . " " And who will take care of Marc while you 're at work ? Or were you planning on leaving him in your home alone ? Do you think he would cope with that ? " " No , I … I 'd find a way . " I felt desperate , as if the conversation , Marc 's life , was slipping through my hands . " Sooner or later you 're going to meet someone and want to make a life with them . You 're going to have a wife and children . How are they going to fit in ? You couldn 't just put Marc aside at that point . It 's a lifetime commitment . " How could I tell them ? How could I admit ? How could I explain how I had tried ? I had tried so hard to open my heart to someone else . There had been girlfriends … and boyfriends but none of them lasted because none of them could compare . I knew that there was never a possibility of Marc and I being together that way . I knew he loved me as much as I loved him but , with Marc , it could never have been anything more than innocent ; strictly platonic and I was happy with that . I was sure that I could live with him , love him and never compromise him . " We know you mean that . You 've always been a wonderful friend to him but you 're a man now , Jamie , a man with your own life , your own responsibilities . Marc can 't be first with you any more , and you can 't fight the world for him . " " I 'm sorry Jamie . I know this is hard for you but it 's happening . Marc 's booked in for the surgery on Wednesday . " " We 've been thinking about it for a long time , Jamie . We didn 't want to worry you with the details until we were sure . We didn 't want you to worry when you were so far away . " " He 's hurting anyway , Jamie . He can 't cope with an adult world and you can 't stay a child for him . These have been … worrying times . He 's growing up Jamie . It 's been delayed but in the last two years he 's become a man and … " She sighed and shook her head and I 'll never forget the look in her eyes . I wasn 't aware of it but she knew , even then she knew . " I 'll take care of him , " I said dully , but I knew the battle was lost . " Is it … is it dangerous ? Will it hurt him ? " I heard them call after me as I strode from the room . Marc was surprised when I burst into his room and hugged him close ; surprised but not worried in any way and he hugged me back eagerly . I could feel his heart beating fast and hard , but I didn 't really notice . When he realised I was crying he pulled away and looked into my eyes with that piercing gaze that makes me shiver . I had often wondered what went on behind those eyes . He always knew how I was feeling , sometimes even better than I did myself . " I 'm not sad . " I covered his hand with my own and he looked surprised again . " I 'm scared for you Marc . Do you know what they are going to do to you ? " His eyes widened again and he shivered . " I don 't like it , Jamie . I was scared . They hurt me and I felt funny . " His brow furrowed with concentration . " Mam held my hand and , " he brightened and treated me to his smile for the first time . " next time I get to hold your hand . " I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I started to turn away but he wouldn 't let me . " Jamie ? " Reluctantly I turned back . " You will hold my hand ? " " Yes , of course I will hold your hand but … Do you know what 's going to happen to you Marc , what they are going to do to you ? " He shook his head but he didn 't look overly concerned . " They 're going to cut into your head Marc ; put things inside your brain that will change you . You won 't be the same . You might die . " The day before the operation we spent every minute together . I had taught him to play games on the computer and he had taken to it with remarkable alacrity . He couldn 't read but when the game required it I was always there to help . Actually he was very good and he usually beat me … not that night though , his mind wasn 't on it . After a while we gave up and watched silly comedies on TV . Mark loves to laugh and he does so easily and infectiously . We cuddled together on the battered old sofa in his room and I struggled not to cry while he laughed aloud , snuggling into my side with his head resting on my shoulder . He had no idea how hard it was for me to have him so close , so affectionate ; or how badly I wanted to hold him , to kiss him . But I didn 't . That night we slept , as we always did , in the twin beds in his room . However , this time when I woke up in the early hours of the morning it was with his arms around me and his head on my chest . I raised my head and looked down at the blonde curls , my hands clenching at my sides and my stomach clenching under his hand . He was so innocent . He didn 't know what he was doing to me ; he couldn 't have . At first , when we got to the hospital Marc was nervous , but okay , as long as I was close to him . He was scared when the doctor examined him and highly suspicious of the nurses . The whole environment unsettled him and he was very anxious . He freaked out if I was out of his sight even for a moment and when I went to the toilet he had to go too . As I got more wound up Marc picked up on it more and more as the drugs confused him and the environment scared him . I felt as if the situation was spiralling out of control and there was nothing I could do to stop it . He didn 't want his parents near him and he clung to my hand with more and more desperation . I will never , ever forget the look on his face when they came to take him to theatre . I was lying on the bed , holding him and he was dozing , finally feeling safe . The nurses were dressed in scrubs and were very nice but very firm in insisting I get off and then move away from the bed . I finally came to myself to find that two hours had passed and I was almost home , having walked automatically for almost 10 miles . There were numerous missed calls on my mobile phone . Most of them were from Marc 's mother and there were some from mine . Panicking , I rang my mother who was almost frantic with worry . " I don 't know why . I just had to get away . I had to stop thinking . It was … I just couldn 't stand it any more . " " I don 't know . I really don 't know . It 's not as if Marc will know whether I 'm there or not . " " It would be better if I wasn 't anywhere near them for a while . " I surprised myself with how cold my voice was . I hated them . Every time I thought of Marc 's beautiful face twisted with fear and heard his screams in my head I hated them more . This was their fault . It was unnecessary and cruel . " I don 't know . You have no idea what it was like Mam ; what he was like . He was so scared and they … I … There was no need for this . There was never any need fodr it . They didn 't have to put him through this ; they shouldn 't have . I can 't … I don 't want to be around them right now , not when I hate them so much . " I stayed away for three days . Marc came through the surgery and they put him in a medical coma while his brain healed . I have never wanted to be somewhere so badly while not wanting to be there equally . The fact that his parents were there with him all the time made any question of giving way to my longing academic . I could not face them . They rang me from time to time and my parents begged me to speak to them , but I couldn 't . The thought of looking into their eyes and seeing pain there was too much for me because I knew that I couldn 't feel sympathy for them . I wanted to see pain there because no matter how much pain they were feeling it wasn 't anything like as much as Marc was … or at least had been . On the third day I was making a sandwich in the kitchen when there was a knock on the front door . I was alone in the house so I opened it . It was Jill Harmon . I wasn 't so far gone that I slammed to door in her face but I turned and walked away from her . She followed me into the kitchen . " Understand ? How could you possibly understand how I feel ? You weren 't there . You didn 't see him , you didn 't hear him scream . He didn 't deserve this . He didn 't … This didn 't have to happen . He didn 't have to get hurt like this . Why ? Why did you do it to him ? You knew what he would be like , how scared he would be , how he wouldn 't understand what was going on . Why did you do it ? Why did you do this to him ? " " Jamie … You weren 't here . You didn 't see what he 's been like , what 's been happening to him . You saw the Marc you used to know , not the one he 'd turned into . He 's … changed . " I almost spat at her . I have never hated anyone as much as I hated her in that moment . Maybe it wasn 't fair , even rational , but I had not been sleeping . I had lain awake for nights worrying about him , remembering him , and mourning him . " He hasn 't changed . The only thing that changed was you . You didn 't want to be burdened with him any more . " I saw her eyes widen with shock but I didn 't care . I pushed on . " You didn 't need to . I would have taken care of him . I would have mortgaged my soul to look after him . Once I started I couldn 't stop . " I promised to protect him . I promised that I would never let anything or anyone hurt him . I swore that I would always be there for him and you turned me into a liar . I had to hold his hand and let them hurt him . I had to watch him cry and scream and do nothing NOTHING . And it was all because of you . I hate you . I hate both of you . " " Of course I love him . I have always loved him . I would have done anything for him , anything ; and now … I don 't understand why you didn 't trust me , why you didn 't at least let me try . I would have taken care of him ; I wouldn 't have let anyone hurt him . I have never let anyone hurt him . " " I know you haven 't . I know that you have never been anything more than a wonderful friend to him . I know that you have been careful and honourable and I know it 's been tearing you apart . Can you imagine what it would have done to you if you had been living with him ? " I know you , Jamie . I know that you would never have compromised him and that you would have been happy to sacrifice your love and your life for him … but how long could it have lasted ? You couldn 't have lived like that for long without destroying one or other of you . " My head snapped up . " But even so . You could have told me . You could have told me you knew . We could have worked something out . There was no need for this . " " You have eyes , Jamie , a brain in your head . You saw the way that Marc reacted to you going away . You haven 't seen the half of it . It almost destroyed him . Did you really never wonder why ; why he had that strong a reaction to you leaving him ? And I don 't mean that as a criticism . " " He isn 't made of marble , Jamie . He 's a man . In every way except for his mind he 's a man . These last two years he 's changed , grown , grown up . You didn 't see it . To you he was the same Marc he always was , the little boy in the body of a man but he wasn 't , not any more . The little boy grew up Jamie . He has … feelings , emotions … urges . He … he was in love with you Jamie … he is in love with you and … " " No . No Jamie , it was nothing like that . It was when we realised that he was in love with you that we really started to think seriously about this . You are two beautiful young men and you are in love with each other . What kind of a cruel world would it be if you had to spend every day together and never be able to kiss , to touch , to be in love ? " And what would have happened when he couldn 't stop himself any longer , when the feelings overwhelmed him and he showed you how he feels ? What would have happened when he tried to kiss you or … or … ? How hard would you have fought him ? " " Yes , I 'm sure . " But was I ? I don 't know . I was in shock . Shaking my head I changed the subject . " Are you trying to tell me that you did this so that Marc and I could be together ? " The scorn was clear in my voice . I was not about to accept this at face value . " No , I 'm not saying that . I 'm saying that I did it because my son was desperately unhappy and all I could see was a future where he just got more and more so . And it didn 't help that someone I care very much about was about to ruin his life and any chance of happiness he may have had . " There was something in her voice that worried me . Why had she come now ? Why was she telling me this now ? Why did she want me to go to the hospital now ? " Why ? Is something wrong ? " I was scared and all thoughts of everything flew out of my head ; all there was room for was Marc . " No , there 's nothing wrong . He … he 's doing really well , surprising everyone . They took him off the breathing machine this morning and they 're reducing the drugs . The doctor said that maybe he would wake up soon and … and I … " I didn 't travel in the car with her . I wasn 't ready for that and I had a lot to think about . I almost flew to the hospital . A journey that had taken me two hours walking took less than 10 minutes in the car . Mr and Mrs Harmon looked up at me with expressions of uncertain relief . I ignored them , not because I was still angry but because I only had eyes for the beautiful boy who lay in the bed . I don 't know what I was expecting but it wasn 't this . He looked just the same . His face was relaxed and peaceful and his blonde curls bounced around his shoulders . Behind the bed the screen flashed its constant flow of indecipherable numbers and symbols . But apart from the plastic tubes that carried drugs into his arms there was nothing , nothing at all to say that he was anything other than sweetly asleep . He was even wearing his favourite black pyjamas . I had never let myself to appreciate how truly beautiful he is and once my eyes were opened I was dazzled . I just couldn 't help myself . I had to touch him ; to stroke his hair , his eyelids , his cheeks , his lips . Eventually of course I realised what I was doing and looked up in abject horror . Mr & Mrs Harmon were looking at me but not with censure . Their eyes were sympathetic , in fact misty with emotion . " I … I 'm sorry , " I mumbled , feeling acutely embarrassed , and before they had a chance to say anything I pressed on . " What have they said ? " " Physically he 's fine . The doctor said he could probably come home in a few days and in a week he 'll be back to normal . It 's just … " I stared at her for a moment and then looked at Marc . He was … the same . On the outside he was the same . I turned away . I couldn 't look at him any more . I was afraid that he would open his eyes and I wouldn 't know the person behind them . We were on the sixteenth floor and I felt as if I was floating above the city . There was a fabulous view across the city , all the way to the sea . There was a hover , floating above the waves , heading out of the bay . It was probably going to The Island . Marc has always loved The Island . We still go every year . It 's changed a lot since we first met on the balcony of the little wooden hut . The cabins are gone , replaced by ultra modern hotels and resorts . The arcade is gone too , replaced by rows of virtual reality pods . Marc never got the hang of those . He didn 't like doing anything completely alone . I didn 't like them either . To me they represented a trend towards seclusion that I neither understood nor embraced . But still - there were beaches where we swam or scrambled through rock pools . And there was the bluff where it seemed as if we were flying over the water . At sunset a track appeared stretching out towards the horizon so that it seemed almost as if it was possible to stand on it and walk on the water into the dying sun . I swear that if I hadn 't been with him there were times when Marc would have tried . He was always a sunrise and sunset person . I wondered if he still would be . I raised my eyes to the stars , which were just coming out . I have always loved the stars . When I was a child I used to really believe that one day I would travel to the furthest ones and touch them . I didn 't realise at the time that to even try would have meant instant death . As I grew older my passion remained but my dreams changed . I no longer dreamed of sailing among the stars because I knew there would be no possibility of Marc being there at my side . Instead I learned how to help send other people up there in the hope that one day a ship I helped build would take a part of me further than anyone had ever gone before . Maybe it wasn 't a very realistic dream , the chances of me ever finding employment with one of the four major producers being slim at best , nevertheless it was a dream . I was lost in the dream when I became aware of a soft voice calling my name . It took a few moments to orient on Mrs Harmon . She was smiling uncertainly and holding her hand out . Hesitantly I walked back across the floor . Marc was stirring and as I watched he yawned and tried to turn over onto his side . He has always preferred to sleep curled up on his side like a cat . " My Jamie , " he whispered , still smiling and I smiled back with tears in my eyes . At that moment I had no idea why I was crying . Maybe it was just knowing that he was okay , that he was still smiling , still calling me ' his ' Jamie . I don 't know … maybe it was more . Maybe it was because even then I knew that the Marc I knew had gone forever . " Hey sleepy . How are you feeling ? " I spoke to him in the same way I have always spoken to him , the same way I speak to everyone . He continued to smile but started to look a little confused . " I … " His eyes left mine and slid over the room behind me . Then they widened and filled with fear . " Jamie what … where … ? " he whispered half sitting up . " Ssh . Marc it 's alright . It 's alright . You 're in hospital . You had an operation . You 're fine now but you have to be calm okay ? " " Jamie … Jamie please help me . I … I can 't … I can 't … Jamie I 'm scared . I don 't know , Jamie … I don 't know . " He was begging and I didn 't really know what he was begging for . All I could assume was that he remembered how scared he had been before and didn 't know what was happening now . Although I did acknowledge the possibility that it was more , much more . " Ssh , Marc . Listen to me . Marc listen to me . " I forced my voice to be firm and he responded . I let go of his shoulders and put my hands on either side of his face , forcing him to look into my eyes . " It 's just us , Marc . I know it 's scary . I know you 're afraid . You didn 't understand what was happening to you and you still don 't but it 's alright . I 'm here and I 'm going to stay right here with you . I know that things are … strange but we are going to make it through … you and me … just like always . Just you and me Marc , okay ? " His eyes were enormous , huge pools of blue , full of fear and confusion . I could feel him trembling . His hands had come up to grip my arms and every part of him was shaking . " Marc , it 's alright . Just you and me . Nothing else . No one else . One step at a time . One step , Marc . Just calm down and focus on me . Just me okay ? " " That 's right . It 's always been you and me hasn 't it ? Right from the very beginning . Always . Just you and me . We 've had quite a journey and this is just another stop . Don 't you remember how we talked about the journey ; how we talked about travelling together ? Always together , remember ? " " I need to examine him , " the doctor said more quietly . " Physically he 's going to be fine so we have to concentrate on his mind now . It 's important that we find out what 's going on in there as soon as possible . We have to get to grips with the changes and help him deal with them right from the start or it might do irreparable psychological damage . " " The only thing that is causing him psychological damage right now is you . He was fine . He will be fine if you just leave us alone . " My voice was rising and I had to struggle to keep my anger under control . Marc was clinging to me and the last thing I wanted was to scare him even more . I just wanted to calm the situation down so that I could talk to him , reassure him . I couldn 't have cared less how much ' function ' he had or what the future was going to hold ; all I cared about was that Marc was scared and hurting right then and there and I wanted to stop it . " Marc , " the doctor said gently , sitting down on the edge of the bed , " I just want to talk to you . I 'm not going to hurt you , just talk . Will you talk to me ? " " Jamie … " he whispered and I looked down into his tear streaked face which was white as a sheet and terrified . " I don 't want to . I can 't . Please Jamie … help me … please . " " It 's alright , Marc . I told you … just you and me okay . It doesn 't matter about anyone else . It 's just you and me . " " That really isn 't important right now . I think that … Jamie ? … is right . The most important thing is that Marc settles down and relaxes . He needs to talk to someone that he trusts and it seems that right now the only person he trusts is Jamie . " He stood up . " I 'll come and talk to you again in a little while , okay ? I 'll let you talk to Jamie first . " " Is everything alright ? " Mrs Harmon asked , panic in her voice . It must have been really hard for her to see her child in such distress and then to be asked to walk away . I think she understood that the doctor didn 't want to talk to her as much as he wanted to make space for me to talk to Marc . When we were alone I gently disengaged Marc 's arms to allow me to get up onto the bed with him and he curled into my side . For a while I just held him and let him calm down . I simply stroked his hair in silence . After a time I thought he had fallen asleep and I was happy enough with that . I needed time to think . But I wasn 't going to get it . I froze , my heart thudding . That didn 't sound like Marc . It was one of the most complete sentences I had ever heard him speak and there was something in his voice that was … " It 's alright , Marc . You don 't have to think about that , not now . You need to rest . Look … make yourself a little bit more comfortable and you can have a sleep . Things will be better when you wake up . " " No , " he said simply and sadly . I didn 't know what he was saying ' no ' to and I didn 't want to ask . My mind cast around desperately trying to find something helpful to say . Shit ! That was unexpected . He 'd answered almost like a … as if … " Before . I mean before the surgery , what you were like ? " Fuck , that was stupid . How could I possibly expect him to understand that ? " I 'm sorry I 'm not making sense . I 'm really sorry , Marc . I 'm not helping very much am I ? " As he became calm something changed . I couldn 't have put my finger on it but there was something in him that … settled and … changed . There is no other way I can think of to explain it . I think maybe that the panic that had gripped him almost from the moment he opened his eyes was disappearing . Gradually he was letting himself accept that things were different . Looking back it was typical of Marc . He had always been methodical and careful but very passionate . When his passion overburdened him he simply stopped , calmed down and let his innate optimism and inner balance settle him . And that is exactly what he was doing right there and then . He wasn 't forcing it , trying to make sense of it , trying to understand it . He was simply waiting until he was calm , until he was able to get his balance back . He took a deep breath and let it out slowly locking his eyes with mine . " I 'm different Jamie . I remember how it was before , but I 'm different . " He shook his head , confusion etching deep crevasses into his beautiful face . He shook his head again and then , slowly , incredibly , breathtakingly his eyes widened and his slow , blinding smile crawled over his face . The smile flickered from joy to uncertainty and was like but unlike the beautiful light that I was used to shining from him and that confused me . " Jamie , " he said , a strange note in his voice . His eyes searched mine and they were so different they scared me . Marc 's eyes have always been beautiful , so expressive and loving but there had always been an … emptiness there , which had somehow been filled . " Shouldn 't you lie down ? " I asked but there was something in his face that made it come out uncertainly . He smiled but it was flickering as emotions flew through him . I used my firm voice but that time it had no effect on him at all . Before I could finish , he reached out his hand and touched my lips effectively stopping me . I was shocked and remember staring at him not knowing what to say , what to think , what to feel . If it had been anyone else I would have been feeling … excited . Uncertainly Marc bit his lip and lowered his eyes then he smiled again , slowly looking up through his lashes . I was scared rigid . Was he flirting with me ? I swallowed hard and licked my lips . That time the way he said it left no room for doubt at all . It was entirely unlike the way he had ever said it before . " Everything 's different , Jamie , everything . I 'm not … " A look of uncertainty passed over his face and he licked his lips . " It hurts … in a way . There 's too much … just too much , but … " Raising his eyes to meet mine again he captured me in their glittering depths and I jumped , startled when something touched my face . I was even more shocked when I found it was his hand . I was frozen as his long , cool fingers traced my jaw and slid into my hair . " It 's different , Jamie , my Jamie . " His eyes were smouldering and it was me who started to shake . " There 's no more ' can 't ' , no more ' shouldn 't ' , no more ' mustn 't ' . Can 't you feel it ? I always felt it but I didn 't understand it . Didn 't you feel it too ? " " Marc … you can 't ; we can 't . This isn 't the time or the place . Fuck … half an hour ago you were in a coma , four days ago you were … you were … and ten minutes ago you were freaking out . " " All true . But I have you , My Jamie . I 'm not scared any more . I don 't understand what happened to me . I don 't know what changed . I can remember what it was like before , what I was like before . It 's not clear , as if a curtain 's been drawn over it … or maybe it 's that the curtain has been torn away , but there are some things I remember . I remember you . I know how I felt and I know how I feel and I don 't have to … " He sat up straighter , wincing slightly . The screen behind me was flashing and making strange noises , presumably because I was pressing myself against it , half hoping I would sink through or that someone would come . I felt … wrong but the whole bloody thing was surreal . I have no idea why no one came . It can 't have been normal for that screen to be making noises like that . There must have been alarms going off somewhere . Maybe someone did come but I didn 't notice . I was completely mesmerised by Marc 's eyes . " I have always been told what to do and that 's okay . I needed it . I know I needed it . I have always been confused . Everything was … I didn 't understand . I didn 't understand anything ; well … almost . " " What … ? " It came out as a croak . I licked my lips and tried again . " Marc , I don 't know what to say , what to do . I don 't know you . " He frowned , looking crushed . " Don 't you like me any more ? Now that I can … understand you , don 't you want me ? " " Marc … no . It 's not … I love you . I 've always loved you . I will always love you , it 's just … " " Marc no ; it isn 't right . It just isn 't … " I didn 't get any further because the screen had completely failed to suck me in and there was no escape when Marc pressed his body against me and kissed me . At first I let my eyes fall closed , and my heart just about exploded in the sensations that washed over me . Then I resisted because I felt it was wrong . I couldn 't really have said why , not then , not with Marc like this but … And then there was nothing I could have done anyway because it all overwhelmed me and carried me away . Anyway … that was then and it 's all different now . It 's cold in here , really cold . I should have put the central heating on the clock . The weather is so changeable at this time of the year I shouldn 't have left it to chance . At the moment I 'm warm and cosy but I know that as soon as I throw off the duvet my breath will be misting the air . Bugger . Ah well . I have a few minutes left . I like to set the alarm early so that I can savour these last minutes of comfort and warmth . Today , more than any other day , I want to cling to it , to hide under the covers and not come out . Oh fuck I wish this day was over . The sound of someone hammering on the front door scares the living crap out of me . I throw off the duvet , completely disoriented and stub my toe on the chair , looking for my slippers . Abandoning them I hop down the stairs , shivering and cursing loudly . The hammering starts again . " Alright , alright . For fuck 's sake ! Give me a chance . I 've just got out of bed and I 'm freezing my fucking balls off . " I 'm going to kill them . They weren 't supposed to be here yet . I was supposed to have had at least another half an hour of peace and calm . " Alright . Fucking hell , will you just … " " Shit … " I stagger backwards as he throws himself at me , flicking the door closed behind him . I trip over the edge of the carpet and end up in an undignified heap on the floor with a grinning Marc on top of me . " Get off me , you fool . " " Yeah . " The smile fades from his face to be replaced by ' that look ' . I first saw it on the day he woke in hospital and I have seen it every day since . It 's a look that says ' I love you ' . " I know exactly how horrible it was . It 's never , ever going to happen again . " Gently he lowers himself onto me again and I hold him in my arms right there , in the middle of my hall , with my stubbed toe and bruised backside throbbing , and I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life . The sun is shining through the panel in the top of the door and it 's setting fire to his crown of gold . It 's longer than it has ever been , more waves than curls now , tumbling over his shoulders and framing his face with two golden curtains . He looks different than he did before : different but the same . Everything about him is different . For the first weeks every day was a shock . Who would have known that there was such a keen wit and intelligence hidden behind those vacant blue eyes ? He has always been a sponge that soaks up experiences but now he soaks up knowledge too . It took him a matter of weeks to learn to read and , more than that , to enjoy it to the extent that he consumes books rather than reading them now . He still retains his childlike innocence and excitement at all sorts of things , small and big . He kicks through leaves in the autumn , jumping and spinning and laughing when they crackle . Just before Christmas it snowed and he was wildly excited . Christmas is a season of total magic when he wakes me every day , bouncing . He dances in the rain and drags me out of bed to watch the sunrise . He 's a child , a man , an angel … and a wonderful lover . Very gently he brushes my face with his fingers . " My Jamie , " he murmurs in that way which is guaranteed to send shivers down my spine . As he bends to kiss me the front door which had not quite closed behind him bursts open and the hall seems full of people . Someone catches Marc around the waist and tears him out of my arms , swinging him away from me . Marc grins at his sister and throws his arms around her . " Don 't be cross with me Jude . I just wanted one little kiss . I was afraid I was going to burst if I didn 't . " Alex , my best friend and best man stands over me with his hands on his hips looking down at me with a frown on his face . " Are you seriously insane ? Tell me you 're not actually going to marry into that family . " The nascent grin fades and he nods his head . " I know . And he takes you seriously too . Now get your fat arse off the floor and go have a shower so we can find a way of squeezing it into your suit . You 've got so fat lately . " Two hours , a hover ride and car journey later , I skirt a bush and almost literally walk into a complete stranger . We had agreed that we wanted to walk in together and that we would meet in our favourite place . I stop and my heart literally turns over in my chest . His eyes are almost exactly the same colour as the sky behind his head . He is dressed in the same suit as I am , the grey highlighting the blue of his eyes and the pale gold vest making his golden hair glow . I have never seen him look more beautiful , never , and the most beautiful thing about him is the look in his eyes . He slips his arm around my waist and we stand together , on the lip of the bluff , looking down towards the beach where we can see a crowd gathering around the white tent which has been erected on the sand just above the tide line . It 's typical of Marc that he wants to do this outside , on the beach , in the early spring . It 's also typical that the sun is smiling on him … on us .

Posted on February 27 , 2014 | By admin | No comments Marc Harmon is an extraordinary person . He is special . I have loved him completely since almost the first moment I met him . I was on holiday with my parents and his family had the cabin next door . The very first day , while my parents were unloading the car I ran off exploring and saw him sitting on the balcony that ran along the front of their cabin . I ran straight over and stopped a few steps away . I started kicking at the dirt with the toe of my shoe and sending him shy looks from under my fringe . After a while his smile faded to be replaced by a look of confusion . He must have wondered what on earth I was doing . No , knowing Marc he was wondering why I hadn 't touched him yet . Marc is a very tactile person ; he loves to hug and be hugged . He is so sweet that everyone wants to hug him . Certainly at that point he was prone to throwing his arms around anyone who came close enough and kissing them . It 's one of his most endearing traits . Instantly the tears disappeared and that bright sunny disposition re emerged . He hugged me tightly and laughed . He has a wonderful laugh . No one who hears that laugh can help but smile , at the least . At that point I was distracted by a gentle touch on my arm . I turned and looked down into pools of liquid blue . I have always been quite a bit taller than Marc but it was more pronounced then . While I was staring into his eyes he touched my face and said , " Pretty . " I smiled even though I didn 't really know why I was smiling . If I had thought about it I would have realised that Marc 's actions weren 't exactly normal , even for a five year old , but I didn 't see anything beyond his angel face and bright smile . He made me feel warm , he 's had the same effect ever since . " Do you want to see my special stone ? " I asked Marc as she turned to leave . He smiled at me but didn 't answer so I took out the stone and held it out to him . It was my most treasured possession . I had found it on the beach the year before and it had not been more than a foot away from me ever since . The stone is about the size of an egg and fits snugly into the palm of the hand … at least for a child . It is blue , shot through with white lines , making a criss cross pattern through the stone . I thought it was beautiful ; so did Marc . He still has it . When the time came to take back the stone he gave it up readily but looked so sad that it hurt my heart . There were tears in his eyes and his lips were trembling . I have never been able to stand seeing him cry and so I handed it straight back over , hungry for the beautiful smile that rewarded me . After the third or fourth year of meeting up every summer our parents became so friendly ; initially they told me later because of the relationship that had developed between Marc and me ; that we started to spend other holidays together . Marc visited my home and I went to him . It was one of those friendships that only grew stronger with separation . When I was twelve Mr Harmon was promoted in his job and the family came to live only a short bus journey from my home . By then Marc had a sister , Judith who was four years old and as pretty as he was , although very different . She had the same sunny personality and sweet smile but she was bright and inquisitive , quick witted and talkative . Marc was much quieter , tending to sit back and watch ; waiting to be presented with things rather than seeking them out . He barely spoke and when he did it was usually single words or short , disjointed sentences . He made himself well understood though . By then I had realised that Marc wasn 't the same as everyone else , as anyone else . It wasn 't just his beauty and his sweetness ; it was more , much more . Strangely it was never an issue between us and it was a huge shock to me the first time I heard someone make a derogatory comment to him . I found in unbelievable that anyone would want to hurt Marc , he was so gentle and loving but one time we were at the beach and there was a group of boys , about my age . I was eleven and Marc was barely eight . We were walking through the arcade hand in hand . " I … " I had no idea what they were talking about but I knew danger when I saw it and I was seeing it in the form of four large pre teens with mean streaks a mile wide . If it had just been me I would probably have put up a fight . I was well built even then and have never run from confrontation . However , Marc was with me and the thought of him being hurt or scared was unbearable so I just took his hand and walked away , down one of the aisles . " Hey freaks . " One of the boys called after us and I felt Marc jerk . I stopped and looked at him . He had blood on his cheek . He had been looking back , curious about the boys and not understanding at all why they were being unkind . He 'd been hit by something one of them had thrown after us . For myself I could have ignored them and walked away but Marc was here . Marc was bleeding and crying and I had to protect him at all costs . I carefully let go of Marc 's hand . He shook his head and gripped my arm . " Don 't leave me . " He said in a small scared voice looking up into my face . I forced myself to smile and loosened his hand . " No , no , no , " Marc moaned getting more and more frightened by the situation , the threat that was now almost palpable . " No Jamie , no . I want to go home . Home Jamie , home . " One of the boys put his hand into his pocket and took out another stone . He drew his hand back but before he could throw I threw myself at him and caught him in the middle , knocking him to the floor . When he was flat on his back I pummelled him until I heard Marc 's wail behind me . I leaped to my feet and grabbed the nearest boy by the back of his neck and flung him against one of the machines . Marc was crouched on the floor , hugging himself , with his face half turned away . The boys were poking him and making derogatory remarks . " Are you alright ? Are you hurt ? " He reached out his hand to Marc but he shrank away and wailed again . I crouched down and reached out to stroke his hair . Slowly he turned his head and showed a face streaked with blood and tears . I smiled at him and a hesitant smile came back . " It 's alright now , Marc , " I said in a careful , even voice ; the one I always used when he was frightened or hurt . " It 's all gone away and I 'm here . I 'll take you back to your mam now . You know me don 't you ; you trust me ? " I was a stubborn kid . He looked at Marc , who by now was smiling his sunny smile again and looking at me with adoring eyes . The man smiled and nodded and then left us alone . I took Marc by the hand and led him back to our parents and all hell broke loose . Marc 's parents were very protective of him and they were all for calling the police . After first being cast in the role of villain for not taking care of him , once my mother pointed out that there were always going to be arseholes who didn 't understand Marc and that it wouldn 't be fair on him to keep him close all the time , I was suddenly a hero . Marc never went to school like I did ; he went to a special school in a taxi every day . I knew he hated it because I had to work hard to cheer him up every day when he got home . I don 't know why he hated it but I hated it too … just because it made him sad . He never learned to read , or ride a bicycle , or play football . There were a lot of things he couldn 't do but there were so many more things he could do . For one thing he could climb like a demon given half the chance . He climbed trees , mountains , climbing walls , anything and anywhere and I mostly got the blame , not that I minded because he was happy when he was climbing , and when he was running , or riding . Once , we went on an outward bounds course for … I won 't call it by its name because it doesn 't apply to Marc . Marc isn 't and never was disabled , handicapped or challenged ; he was just … special . The course was good though . It gave Marc the kind of freedom that he lacked at home and everyone was surprised by the way he took to the challenges . He was like a fish in the water and wasn 't afraid of anything . Once , when we were standing on the top of a tower waiting to jump off , trusting a rope and a few pieces of metal to get us to the ground , he put his arm around me and smiled his smile . " I 'll take care of my Jamie , " he said , and then he pushed me off . I screamed all the way down , but he didn 't . When he landed he grinned at me . " You 're okay , " he said smiling as if that explained everything and then he hugged me . I was fifteen and that was the moment I knew for sure I 'm gay . The smell of him ; the warmth of his arms ; the softness of his hair . Although later I felt guilty about it , about the way I felt , about who I was feeling it about ; at that time , that one glorious moment I was totally and absolutely in love with him . In some ways Marc never grew up . As we got older his childlike innocence became more and more pronounced as he reached the age he really should have left it behind . He never learned how to lie , how to cheat and steal , or how to hurt people . Marc would no more have hurt another person than he would have pulled his own teeth . That didn 't impress everyone . There were some who like to spoil perfection , to corrupt innocent . There were some who wanted nothing more than to tear him down and hurt him and every time they did I kicked their arses and built him back up again . It was never hard . Marc always found it easier to be up than down . When he was fifteen , almost sixteen something terrible happened to Marc , something he never recovered from . He lost his best friend ; his supporter ; his protector ; his other half . He lost his sparkle , his shine . He changed . He was broken . I didn 't know that any of that would happen when I accepted the place at an university almost two hundred miles away . I didn 't know that I would hurt my best friend so badly that he never completely got over it . I didn 't know that I would never see that light in his eyes again ; that from then on every time he looked at me there would be a shadow . At first when I tried to explain to him what was going to happen , that I was going to leave to go to school but I would come back for weekends and holidays , he really didn 't understand . He had no frame of reference . He had no concept of a life without me around . He didn 't understand and that was why he accepted it . It made me feel that it would be alright even when I knew deep down that it wouldn 't Both sets of parents reassured me that I was doing the right thing . His parents thought that without me around Marc would find a little more independence , that he would have to . I acknowledged that Marc relied on me totally , maybe too much and so I believed then . My parents thought that I would find more freedom , a life of my own , a girlfriend maybe . I let myself be persuaded that it was the right thing to do and I have to admit that the thought of total freedom was a rush . I started a degree in technology with a major in interstellar travel . My mother always said I had my head in the stars , and there I was about to be designing star drives ; helping people travel to them . It was exciting , stimulating , all consuming . I thought there were no limits , no boundaries . I had believed that Marc would learn to accept . I spent hours explaining what I was going to be doing . We looked at star charts , watched programmes about transports and cruisers ; I even rented movies about university life or star travel . I really thought that he understood , that he was okay , even happy for me , but I was wrong . The first time I came back for the weekend my heart broke . I went straight over to Marc 's house , even before I unpacked . He was in his room and I knew from the look on his mother 's face the moment she set eyes on me that he wasn 't in a good place . When he was almost eighteen and I was twenty one I finished university . I came home to find him so changed I wouldn 't have recognised him if I had met him in the street . I hadn 't been back for three months because I had finals to study for and parties to go to . I 'd had a life and I thought that by immersing myself in that life I could shut out the images that haunted me … images of blue eyes filled with tears . As soon as I walked through the front door my parents told me straight away that I needed to go and see Marc . They said that his parents were worried about him and they thought I would be able to help . I wasn 't . He didn 't want to see me . He wouldn 't talk to me and I grieved for how much I had let him down . He was a precious , precious gift , a sunflower and I had crushed his petals . I didn 't know what to do to make him alright again . " Better ? " For some reason I felt angry , so angry I wanted to hit them . " How could you say that ? There is nothing anyone could do to make him better . He 's perfect the way he is . " " Jamie … It couldn 't have lasted . Maybe three years ago I would have listened to you , believed you . Three years ago he was whole , he was happy but now … " She stopped . " You couldn 't have stayed with him forever . You have your own life . You have friends , a career , a future . You couldn 't have given all that up for him and that 's what it would have taken to keep him whole . You were always going to have had to leave sooner or later and it was always going to have broken his heart . " " You did do that Jamie . I know you didn 't mean to . I know you would never have hurt him deliberately ; but you did . When you left it tore the heart out of him and he has never been the same since . He 's broken , Jamie . Somewhere deep inside he 's lost his sunshine . He doesn 't smile any more ; doesn 't speak , barely sleeps or eats . " Marc was never going to be independent . He was always going to need someone to look after him all his life but we never meant to make that person you . We never meant to put that responsibility on your shoulders . " " And who will take care of Marc while you 're at work ? Or were you planning on leaving him in your home alone ? Do you think he would cope with that ? " " No , I … I 'd find a way . " I felt desperate , as if the conversation , Marc 's life , was slipping through my hands . " Sooner or later you 're going to meet someone and want to make a life with them . You 're going to have a wife and children . How are they going to fit in ? You couldn 't just put Marc aside at that point . It 's a lifetime commitment . " How could I tell them ? How could I admit ? How could I explain how I had tried ? I had tried so hard to open my heart to someone else . There had been girlfriends … and boyfriends but none of them lasted because none of them could compare . I knew that there was never a possibility of Marc and I being together that way . I knew he loved me as much as I loved him but , with Marc , it could never have been anything more than innocent ; strictly platonic and I was happy with that . I was sure that I could live with him , love him and never compromise him . " We know you mean that . You 've always been a wonderful friend to him but you 're a man now , Jamie , a man with your own life , your own responsibilities . Marc can 't be first with you any more , and you can 't fight the world for him . " " I 'm sorry Jamie . I know this is hard for you but it 's happening . Marc 's booked in for the surgery on Wednesday . " " We 've been thinking about it for a long time , Jamie . We didn 't want to worry you with the details until we were sure . We didn 't want you to worry when you were so far away . " " He 's hurting anyway , Jamie . He can 't cope with an adult world and you can 't stay a child for him . These have been … worrying times . He 's growing up Jamie . It 's been delayed but in the last two years he 's become a man and … " She sighed and shook her head and I 'll never forget the look in her eyes . I wasn 't aware of it but she knew , even then she knew . " I 'll take care of him , " I said dully , but I knew the battle was lost . " Is it … is it dangerous ? Will it hurt him ? " I heard them call after me as I strode from the room . Marc was surprised when I burst into his room and hugged him close ; surprised but not worried in any way and he hugged me back eagerly . I could feel his heart beating fast and hard , but I didn 't really notice . When he realised I was crying he pulled away and looked into my eyes with that piercing gaze that makes me shiver . I had often wondered what went on behind those eyes . He always knew how I was feeling , sometimes even better than I did myself . " I 'm not sad . " I covered his hand with my own and he looked surprised again . " I 'm scared for you Marc . Do you know what they are going to do to you ? " His eyes widened again and he shivered . " I don 't like it , Jamie . I was scared . They hurt me and I felt funny . " His brow furrowed with concentration . " Mam held my hand and , " he brightened and treated me to his smile for the first time . " next time I get to hold your hand . " I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I started to turn away but he wouldn 't let me . " Jamie ? " Reluctantly I turned back . " You will hold my hand ? " " Yes , of course I will hold your hand but … Do you know what 's going to happen to you Marc , what they are going to do to you ? " He shook his head but he didn 't look overly concerned . " They 're going to cut into your head Marc ; put things inside your brain that will change you . You won 't be the same . You might die . " The day before the operation we spent every minute together . I had taught him to play games on the computer and he had taken to it with remarkable alacrity . He couldn 't read but when the game required it I was always there to help . Actually he was very good and he usually beat me … not that night though , his mind wasn 't on it . After a while we gave up and watched silly comedies on TV . Mark loves to laugh and he does so easily and infectiously . We cuddled together on the battered old sofa in his room and I struggled not to cry while he laughed aloud , snuggling into my side with his head resting on my shoulder . He had no idea how hard it was for me to have him so close , so affectionate ; or how badly I wanted to hold him , to kiss him . But I didn 't . That night we slept , as we always did , in the twin beds in his room . However , this time when I woke up in the early hours of the morning it was with his arms around me and his head on my chest . I raised my head and looked down at the blonde curls , my hands clenching at my sides and my stomach clenching under his hand . He was so innocent . He didn 't know what he was doing to me ; he couldn 't have . At first , when we got to the hospital Marc was nervous , but okay , as long as I was close to him . He was scared when the doctor examined him and highly suspicious of the nurses . The whole environment unsettled him and he was very anxious . He freaked out if I was out of his sight even for a moment and when I went to the toilet he had to go too . As I got more wound up Marc picked up on it more and more as the drugs confused him and the environment scared him . I felt as if the situation was spiralling out of control and there was nothing I could do to stop it . He didn 't want his parents near him and he clung to my hand with more and more desperation . I will never , ever forget the look on his face when they came to take him to theatre . I was lying on the bed , holding him and he was dozing , finally feeling safe . The nurses were dressed in scrubs and were very nice but very firm in insisting I get off and then move away from the bed . I finally came to myself to find that two hours had passed and I was almost home , having walked automatically for almost 10 miles . There were numerous missed calls on my mobile phone . Most of them were from Marc 's mother and there were some from mine . Panicking , I rang my mother who was almost frantic with worry . " I don 't know why . I just had to get away . I had to stop thinking . It was … I just couldn 't stand it any more . " " I don 't know . I really don 't know . It 's not as if Marc will know whether I 'm there or not . " " It would be better if I wasn 't anywhere near them for a while . " I surprised myself with how cold my voice was . I hated them . Every time I thought of Marc 's beautiful face twisted with fear and heard his screams in my head I hated them more . This was their fault . It was unnecessary and cruel . " I don 't know . You have no idea what it was like Mam ; what he was like . He was so scared and they … I … There was no need for this . There was never any need fodr it . They didn 't have to put him through this ; they shouldn 't have . I can 't … I don 't want to be around them right now , not when I hate them so much . " I stayed away for three days . Marc came through the surgery and they put him in a medical coma while his brain healed . I have never wanted to be somewhere so badly while not wanting to be there equally . The fact that his parents were there with him all the time made any question of giving way to my longing academic . I could not face them . They rang me from time to time and my parents begged me to speak to them , but I couldn 't . The thought of looking into their eyes and seeing pain there was too much for me because I knew that I couldn 't feel sympathy for them . I wanted to see pain there because no matter how much pain they were feeling it wasn 't anything like as much as Marc was … or at least had been . On the third day I was making a sandwich in the kitchen when there was a knock on the front door . I was alone in the house so I opened it . It was Jill Harmon . I wasn 't so far gone that I slammed to door in her face but I turned and walked away from her . She followed me into the kitchen . " Understand ? How could you possibly understand how I feel ? You weren 't there . You didn 't see him , you didn 't hear him scream . He didn 't deserve this . He didn 't … This didn 't have to happen . He didn 't have to get hurt like this . Why ? Why did you do it to him ? You knew what he would be like , how scared he would be , how he wouldn 't understand what was going on . Why did you do it ? Why did you do this to him ? " " Jamie … You weren 't here . You didn 't see what he 's been like , what 's been happening to him . You saw the Marc you used to know , not the one he 'd turned into . He 's … changed . " I almost spat at her . I have never hated anyone as much as I hated her in that moment . Maybe it wasn 't fair , even rational , but I had not been sleeping . I had lain awake for nights worrying about him , remembering him , and mourning him . " He hasn 't changed . The only thing that changed was you . You didn 't want to be burdened with him any more . " I saw her eyes widen with shock but I didn 't care . I pushed on . " You didn 't need to . I would have taken care of him . I would have mortgaged my soul to look after him . Once I started I couldn 't stop . " I promised to protect him . I promised that I would never let anything or anyone hurt him . I swore that I would always be there for him and you turned me into a liar . I had to hold his hand and let them hurt him . I had to watch him cry and scream and do nothing NOTHING . And it was all because of you . I hate you . I hate both of you . " " Of course I love him . I have always loved him . I would have done anything for him , anything ; and now … I don 't understand why you didn 't trust me , why you didn 't at least let me try . I would have taken care of him ; I wouldn 't have let anyone hurt him . I have never let anyone hurt him . " " I know you haven 't . I know that you have never been anything more than a wonderful friend to him . I know that you have been careful and honourable and I know it 's been tearing you apart . Can you imagine what it would have done to you if you had been living with him ? " I know you , Jamie . I know that you would never have compromised him and that you would have been happy to sacrifice your love and your life for him … but how long could it have lasted ? You couldn 't have lived like that for long without destroying one or other of you . " My head snapped up . " But even so . You could have told me . You could have told me you knew . We could have worked something out . There was no need for this . " " You have eyes , Jamie , a brain in your head . You saw the way that Marc reacted to you going away . You haven 't seen the half of it . It almost destroyed him . Did you really never wonder why ; why he had that strong a reaction to you leaving him ? And I don 't mean that as a criticism . " " He isn 't made of marble , Jamie . He 's a man . In every way except for his mind he 's a man . These last two years he 's changed , grown , grown up . You didn 't see it . To you he was the same Marc he always was , the little boy in the body of a man but he wasn 't , not any more . The little boy grew up Jamie . He has … feelings , emotions … urges . He … he was in love with you Jamie … he is in love with you and … " " No . No Jamie , it was nothing like that . It was when we realised that he was in love with you that we really started to think seriously about this . You are two beautiful young men and you are in love with each other . What kind of a cruel world would it be if you had to spend every day together and never be able to kiss , to touch , to be in love ? " And what would have happened when he couldn 't stop himself any longer , when the feelings overwhelmed him and he showed you how he feels ? What would have happened when he tried to kiss you or … or … ? How hard would you have fought him ? " " Yes , I 'm sure . " But was I ? I don 't know . I was in shock . Shaking my head I changed the subject . " Are you trying to tell me that you did this so that Marc and I could be together ? " The scorn was clear in my voice . I was not about to accept this at face value . " No , I 'm not saying that . I 'm saying that I did it because my son was desperately unhappy and all I could see was a future where he just got more and more so . And it didn 't help that someone I care very much about was about to ruin his life and any chance of happiness he may have had . " There was something in her voice that worried me . Why had she come now ? Why was she telling me this now ? Why did she want me to go to the hospital now ? " Why ? Is something wrong ? " I was scared and all thoughts of everything flew out of my head ; all there was room for was Marc . " No , there 's nothing wrong . He … he 's doing really well , surprising everyone . They took him off the breathing machine this morning and they 're reducing the drugs . The doctor said that maybe he would wake up soon and … and I … " I didn 't travel in the car with her . I wasn 't ready for that and I had a lot to think about . I almost flew to the hospital . A journey that had taken me two hours walking took less than 10 minutes in the car . Mr and Mrs Harmon looked up at me with expressions of uncertain relief . I ignored them , not because I was still angry but because I only had eyes for the beautiful boy who lay in the bed . I don 't know what I was expecting but it wasn 't this . He looked just the same . His face was relaxed and peaceful and his blonde curls bounced around his shoulders . Behind the bed the screen flashed its constant flow of indecipherable numbers and symbols . But apart from the plastic tubes that carried drugs into his arms there was nothing , nothing at all to say that he was anything other than sweetly asleep . He was even wearing his favourite black pyjamas . I had never let myself to appreciate how truly beautiful he is and once my eyes were opened I was dazzled . I just couldn 't help myself . I had to touch him ; to stroke his hair , his eyelids , his cheeks , his lips . Eventually of course I realised what I was doing and looked up in abject horror . Mr & Mrs Harmon were looking at me but not with censure . Their eyes were sympathetic , in fact misty with emotion . " I … I 'm sorry , " I mumbled , feeling acutely embarrassed , and before they had a chance to say anything I pressed on . " What have they said ? " " Physically he 's fine . The doctor said he could probably come home in a few days and in a week he 'll be back to normal . It 's just … " I stared at her for a moment and then looked at Marc . He was … the same . On the outside he was the same . I turned away . I couldn 't look at him any more . I was afraid that he would open his eyes and I wouldn 't know the person behind them . We were on the sixteenth floor and I felt as if I was floating above the city . There was a fabulous view across the city , all the way to the sea . There was a hover , floating above the waves , heading out of the bay . It was probably going to The Island . Marc has always loved The Island . We still go every year . It 's changed a lot since we first met on the balcony of the little wooden hut . The cabins are gone , replaced by ultra modern hotels and resorts . The arcade is gone too , replaced by rows of virtual reality pods . Marc never got the hang of those . He didn 't like doing anything completely alone . I didn 't like them either . To me they represented a trend towards seclusion that I neither understood nor embraced . But still - there were beaches where we swam or scrambled through rock pools . And there was the bluff where it seemed as if we were flying over the water . At sunset a track appeared stretching out towards the horizon so that it seemed almost as if it was possible to stand on it and walk on the water into the dying sun . I swear that if I hadn 't been with him there were times when Marc would have tried . He was always a sunrise and sunset person . I wondered if he still would be . I raised my eyes to the stars , which were just coming out . I have always loved the stars . When I was a child I used to really believe that one day I would travel to the furthest ones and touch them . I didn 't realise at the time that to even try would have meant instant death . As I grew older my passion remained but my dreams changed . I no longer dreamed of sailing among the stars because I knew there would be no possibility of Marc being there at my side . Instead I learned how to help send other people up there in the hope that one day a ship I helped build would take a part of me further than anyone had ever gone before . Maybe it wasn 't a very realistic dream , the chances of me ever finding employment with one of the four major producers being slim at best , nevertheless it was a dream . I was lost in the dream when I became aware of a soft voice calling my name . It took a few moments to orient on Mrs Harmon . She was smiling uncertainly and holding her hand out . Hesitantly I walked back across the floor . Marc was stirring and as I watched he yawned and tried to turn over onto his side . He has always preferred to sleep curled up on his side like a cat . " My Jamie , " he whispered , still smiling and I smiled back with tears in my eyes . At that moment I had no idea why I was crying . Maybe it was just knowing that he was okay , that he was still smiling , still calling me ' his ' Jamie . I don 't know … maybe it was more . Maybe it was because even then I knew that the Marc I knew had gone forever . " Hey sleepy . How are you feeling ? " I spoke to him in the same way I have always spoken to him , the same way I speak to everyone . He continued to smile but started to look a little confused . " I … " His eyes left mine and slid over the room behind me . Then they widened and filled with fear . " Jamie what … where … ? " he whispered half sitting up . " Ssh . Marc it 's alright . It 's alright . You 're in hospital . You had an operation . You 're fine now but you have to be calm okay ? " " Jamie … Jamie please help me . I … I can 't … I can 't … Jamie I 'm scared . I don 't know , Jamie … I don 't know . " He was begging and I didn 't really know what he was begging for . All I could assume was that he remembered how scared he had been before and didn 't know what was happening now . Although I did acknowledge the possibility that it was more , much more . " Ssh , Marc . Listen to me . Marc listen to me . " I forced my voice to be firm and he responded . I let go of his shoulders and put my hands on either side of his face , forcing him to look into my eyes . " It 's just us , Marc . I know it 's scary . I know you 're afraid . You didn 't understand what was happening to you and you still don 't but it 's alright . I 'm here and I 'm going to stay right here with you . I know that things are … strange but we are going to make it through … you and me … just like always . Just you and me Marc , okay ? " His eyes were enormous , huge pools of blue , full of fear and confusion . I could feel him trembling . His hands had come up to grip my arms and every part of him was shaking . " Marc , it 's alright . Just you and me . Nothing else . No one else . One step at a time . One step , Marc . Just calm down and focus on me . Just me okay ? " " That 's right . It 's always been you and me hasn 't it ? Right from the very beginning . Always . Just you and me . We 've had quite a journey and this is just another stop . Don 't you remember how we talked about the journey ; how we talked about travelling together ? Always together , remember ? " " I need to examine him , " the doctor said more quietly . " Physically he 's going to be fine so we have to concentrate on his mind now . It 's important that we find out what 's going on in there as soon as possible . We have to get to grips with the changes and help him deal with them right from the start or it might do irreparable psychological damage . " " The only thing that is causing him psychological damage right now is you . He was fine . He will be fine if you just leave us alone . " My voice was rising and I had to struggle to keep my anger under control . Marc was clinging to me and the last thing I wanted was to scare him even more . I just wanted to calm the situation down so that I could talk to him , reassure him . I couldn 't have cared less how much ' function ' he had or what the future was going to hold ; all I cared about was that Marc was scared and hurting right then and there and I wanted to stop it . " Marc , " the doctor said gently , sitting down on the edge of the bed , " I just want to talk to you . I 'm not going to hurt you , just talk . Will you talk to me ? " " Jamie … " he whispered and I looked down into his tear streaked face which was white as a sheet and terrified . " I don 't want to . I can 't . Please Jamie … help me … please . " " It 's alright , Marc . I told you … just you and me okay . It doesn 't matter about anyone else . It 's just you and me . " " That really isn 't important right now . I think that … Jamie ? … is right . The most important thing is that Marc settles down and relaxes . He needs to talk to someone that he trusts and it seems that right now the only person he trusts is Jamie . " He stood up . " I 'll come and talk to you again in a little while , okay ? I 'll let you talk to Jamie first . " " Is everything alright ? " Mrs Harmon asked , panic in her voice . It must have been really hard for her to see her child in such distress and then to be asked to walk away . I think she understood that the doctor didn 't want to talk to her as much as he wanted to make space for me to talk to Marc . When we were alone I gently disengaged Marc 's arms to allow me to get up onto the bed with him and he curled into my side . For a while I just held him and let him calm down . I simply stroked his hair in silence . After a time I thought he had fallen asleep and I was happy enough with that . I needed time to think . But I wasn 't going to get it . I froze , my heart thudding . That didn 't sound like Marc . It was one of the most complete sentences I had ever heard him speak and there was something in his voice that was … " It 's alright , Marc . You don 't have to think about that , not now . You need to rest . Look … make yourself a little bit more comfortable and you can have a sleep . Things will be better when you wake up . " " No , " he said simply and sadly . I didn 't know what he was saying ' no ' to and I didn 't want to ask . My mind cast around desperately trying to find something helpful to say . Shit ! That was unexpected . He 'd answered almost like a … as if … " Before . I mean before the surgery , what you were like ? " Fuck , that was stupid . How could I possibly expect him to understand that ? " I 'm sorry I 'm not making sense . I 'm really sorry , Marc . I 'm not helping very much am I ? " As he became calm something changed . I couldn 't have put my finger on it but there was something in him that … settled and … changed . There is no other way I can think of to explain it . I think maybe that the panic that had gripped him almost from the moment he opened his eyes was disappearing . Gradually he was letting himself accept that things were different . Looking back it was typical of Marc . He had always been methodical and careful but very passionate . When his passion overburdened him he simply stopped , calmed down and let his innate optimism and inner balance settle him . And that is exactly what he was doing right there and then . He wasn 't forcing it , trying to make sense of it , trying to understand it . He was simply waiting until he was calm , until he was able to get his balance back . He took a deep breath and let it out slowly locking his eyes with mine . " I 'm different Jamie . I remember how it was before , but I 'm different . " He shook his head , confusion etching deep crevasses into his beautiful face . He shook his head again and then , slowly , incredibly , breathtakingly his eyes widened and his slow , blinding smile crawled over his face . The smile flickered from joy to uncertainty and was like but unlike the beautiful light that I was used to shining from him and that confused me . " Jamie , " he said , a strange note in his voice . His eyes searched mine and they were so different they scared me . Marc 's eyes have always been beautiful , so expressive and loving but there had always been an … emptiness there , which had somehow been filled . " Shouldn 't you lie down ? " I asked but there was something in his face that made it come out uncertainly . He smiled but it was flickering as emotions flew through him . I used my firm voice but that time it had no effect on him at all . Before I could finish , he reached out his hand and touched my lips effectively stopping me . I was shocked and remember staring at him not knowing what to say , what to think , what to feel . If it had been anyone else I would have been feeling … excited . Uncertainly Marc bit his lip and lowered his eyes then he smiled again , slowly looking up through his lashes . I was scared rigid . Was he flirting with me ? I swallowed hard and licked my lips . That time the way he said it left no room for doubt at all . It was entirely unlike the way he had ever said it before . " Everything 's different , Jamie , everything . I 'm not … " A look of uncertainty passed over his face and he licked his lips . " It hurts … in a way . There 's too much … just too much , but … " Raising his eyes to meet mine again he captured me in their glittering depths and I jumped , startled when something touched my face . I was even more shocked when I found it was his hand . I was frozen as his long , cool fingers traced my jaw and slid into my hair . " It 's different , Jamie , my Jamie . " His eyes were smouldering and it was me who started to shake . " There 's no more ' can 't ' , no more ' shouldn 't ' , no more ' mustn 't ' . Can 't you feel it ? I always felt it but I didn 't understand it . Didn 't you feel it too ? " " Marc … you can 't ; we can 't . This isn 't the time or the place . Fuck … half an hour ago you were in a coma , four days ago you were … you were … and ten minutes ago you were freaking out . " " All true . But I have you , My Jamie . I 'm not scared any more . I don 't understand what happened to me . I don 't know what changed . I can remember what it was like before , what I was like before . It 's not clear , as if a curtain 's been drawn over it … or maybe it 's that the curtain has been torn away , but there are some things I remember . I remember you . I know how I felt and I know how I feel and I don 't have to … " He sat up straighter , wincing slightly . The screen behind me was flashing and making strange noises , presumably because I was pressing myself against it , half hoping I would sink through or that someone would come . I felt … wrong but the whole bloody thing was surreal . I have no idea why no one came . It can 't have been normal for that screen to be making noises like that . There must have been alarms going off somewhere . Maybe someone did come but I didn 't notice . I was completely mesmerised by Marc 's eyes . " I have always been told what to do and that 's okay . I needed it . I know I needed it . I have always been confused . Everything was … I didn 't understand . I didn 't understand anything ; well … almost . " " What … ? " It came out as a croak . I licked my lips and tried again . " Marc , I don 't know what to say , what to do . I don 't know you . " He frowned , looking crushed . " Don 't you like me any more ? Now that I can … understand you , don 't you want me ? " " Marc … no . It 's not … I love you . I 've always loved you . I will always love you , it 's just … " " Marc no ; it isn 't right . It just isn 't … " I didn 't get any further because the screen had completely failed to suck me in and there was no escape when Marc pressed his body against me and kissed me . At first I let my eyes fall closed , and my heart just about exploded in the sensations that washed over me . Then I resisted because I felt it was wrong . I couldn 't really have said why , not then , not with Marc like this but … And then there was nothing I could have done anyway because it all overwhelmed me and carried me away . Anyway … that was then and it 's all different now . It 's cold in here , really cold . I should have put the central heating on the clock . The weather is so changeable at this time of the year I shouldn 't have left it to chance . At the moment I 'm warm and cosy but I know that as soon as I throw off the duvet my breath will be misting the air . Bugger . Ah well . I have a few minutes left . I like to set the alarm early so that I can savour these last minutes of comfort and warmth . Today , more than any other day , I want to cling to it , to hide under the covers and not come out . Oh fuck I wish this day was over . The sound of someone hammering on the front door scares the living crap out of me . I throw off the duvet , completely disoriented and stub my toe on the chair , looking for my slippers . Abandoning them I hop down the stairs , shivering and cursing loudly . The hammering starts again . " Alright , alright . For fuck 's sake ! Give me a chance . I 've just got out of bed and I 'm freezing my fucking balls off . " I 'm going to kill them . They weren 't supposed to be here yet . I was supposed to have had at least another half an hour of peace and calm . " Alright . Fucking hell , will you just … " " Shit … " I stagger backwards as he throws himself at me , flicking the door closed behind him . I trip over the edge of the carpet and end up in an undignified heap on the floor with a grinning Marc on top of me . " Get off me , you fool . " " Yeah . " The smile fades from his face to be replaced by ' that look ' . I first saw it on the day he woke in hospital and I have seen it every day since . It 's a look that says ' I love you ' . " I know exactly how horrible it was . It 's never , ever going to happen again . " Gently he lowers himself onto me again and I hold him in my arms right there , in the middle of my hall , with my stubbed toe and bruised backside throbbing , and I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life . The sun is shining through the panel in the top of the door and it 's setting fire to his crown of gold . It 's longer than it has ever been , more waves than curls now , tumbling over his shoulders and framing his face with two golden curtains . He looks different than he did before : different but the same . Everything about him is different . For the first weeks every day was a shock . Who would have known that there was such a keen wit and intelligence hidden behind those vacant blue eyes ? He has always been a sponge that soaks up experiences but now he soaks up knowledge too . It took him a matter of weeks to learn to read and , more than that , to enjoy it to the extent that he consumes books rather than reading them now . He still retains his childlike innocence and excitement at all sorts of things , small and big . He kicks through leaves in the autumn , jumping and spinning and laughing when they crackle . Just before Christmas it snowed and he was wildly excited . Christmas is a season of total magic when he wakes me every day , bouncing . He dances in the rain and drags me out of bed to watch the sunrise . He 's a child , a man , an angel … and a wonderful lover . Very gently he brushes my face with his fingers . " My Jamie , " he murmurs in that way which is guaranteed to send shivers down my spine . As he bends to kiss me the front door which had not quite closed behind him bursts open and the hall seems full of people . Someone catches Marc around the waist and tears him out of my arms , swinging him away from me . Marc grins at his sister and throws his arms around her . " Don 't be cross with me Jude . I just wanted one little kiss . I was afraid I was going to burst if I didn 't . " Alex , my best friend and best man stands over me with his hands on his hips looking down at me with a frown on his face . " Are you seriously insane ? Tell me you 're not actually going to marry into that family . " The nascent grin fades and he nods his head . " I know . And he takes you seriously too . Now get your fat arse off the floor and go have a shower so we can find a way of squeezing it into your suit . You 've got so fat lately . " Two hours , a hover ride and car journey later , I skirt a bush and almost literally walk into a complete stranger . We had agreed that we wanted to walk in together and that we would meet in our favourite place . I stop and my heart literally turns over in my chest . His eyes are almost exactly the same colour as the sky behind his head . He is dressed in the same suit as I am , the grey highlighting the blue of his eyes and the pale gold vest making his golden hair glow . I have never seen him look more beautiful , never , and the most beautiful thing about him is the look in his eyes . He slips his arm around my waist and we stand together , on the lip of the bluff , looking down towards the beach where we can see a crowd gathering around the white tent which has been erected on the sand just above the tide line . It 's typical of Marc that he wants to do this outside , on the beach , in the early spring . It 's also typical that the sun is smiling on him … on us .

So , health wise , we 'd had a fairly uneventful trip . Both Michael and Allison were really tired , which caused some problems with headaches and minor stomach issues . Otherwise , medically , we did pretty well . I was relieved when we got on the airplane that we 'd made it unscathed . The woman in front of her had reclined her seat very quickly and in the process , Allison 's head got pinched between the tray table and the seat . Allison hurt her neck when she tried to get unstuck . Allison was in a lot of pain . Every time she moved her head , she was in agony . I gave her 400mg of ibuprofen and ice . Jen , the nurse that was with us , took a look at her . The main flight attendant came back to look at her . Eventually , they moved her up to first class so she could lay down flat . While it helped , every time the plane hit turbulence , she started crying again . With Jen 's approval , I gave her another 400mg of ibuprofen . Nothing was working . 3 : 00am - An ambulance was waiting when we landed in Rome ( for refueling and a crew change ) . The paramedics looked at her , felt that it was whiplash , and suggested a medicine they could give her that would take 10 minutes to work . However , Allison is allergic to a lot of stuff , and the last thing I wanted was for her to have an allergic reaction 30000 feet in the air over the Atlantic Ocean . Given this , and the extreme pain she was in , we decided to get off the plane and have the ambulance take us to an emergency room for x - rays and medicine . Michael , meanwhile , had no interest in getting off of the plane . His words , when I told him we were going to get off the plane in Rome , were " I can 't believe I 'm saying this ( since he always wanted to see Rome ) , but I don 't want to get off . " I felt I didn 't have any choice , but Glen Bogdanovich offered to take him the rest of the way to the U . S . I made sure Michael had his passport , the boarding pass for the next flight , and a letter for Glen giving him permission to bring Michael into the U . S . I told Rob what was going on , asked Glen to let Lori know what was going on and got off the plane with Allison . Glen gave me some cash in case we needed it . We walked right onto the ambulance and drove off . 4 : 00am - After a long drive , and an intermediary stop at the airport medical clinic , we arrived at an emergency room in a run down hospital . I didn 't have the slightest idea where I was , how we got there , and how we were going to get anywhere afterwards . The paramedics , who spoke English , left . Allison had received some shots at the airport clinic and while they were helping , she was still in pain . As we sat there , people arrived and were seen , all speaking Italian . The admitting nurse knew enough English to get us registered and we waited and waited . 5 : 00am - We are called to see the doctor . His first question to us was , " Do you speak Italian ? " After I said no , he gave us major attitude . He spoke to us in English , but was not friendly at all . Allison got x - rays , the doctor said nothing was broken , wrote us a prescription for pain killer and a neck brace ( now I had to figure out how to find a pharmacy ) and told us we were released . So I didn 't know where to go , so I asked the doctor to help us get a taxi to take us to a hotel . Big mistake . He got indignant again , found us a security guard to call a cab , and disappeared without even a good - bye . The security guard called us a cab . Finally I was able to ask him to take us to the airport , since I figured ( hoped ) there would be a hotel there . I showed him my credit card , which he was able to take . When we got to the airport , I saw a Hilton , which I pointed to , and he dropped us off . 5 : 30am - We check into the hotel . The guy at the front desk was very friendly , but was really confused about why anyone would want a room at 5 : 30 in the morning . He told me that checkout was at 11am , to which I replied to give us the room for two nights . He also told us that the airport had a pharmacy that would stock pain killers and neck braces ( never heard of pharmacies in airports ! ) . We got to our room . I called Lori to let her know what was going on . It was 12 : 30am in Massachusetts , but I needed to let her know . She was already awake , waiting for us to call . Glen had already been in touch ( via Myndi ) . And then we slept . The day was a combination of sleeping , eating , making phone calls to get flights changed and other logistical issues , going to the airport to get Allison her medicine , and sleeping some more . We wandered around the airport grounds a bit . The medicine helped Allison a lot , while it lasted . She could only take it every 12 hours , so by the end of the time , she was in a lot of pain . The plan was to get on the same flight that we had left that night . We wandered over to the airport at 7 : 00pm to figure out the logistics . A very friendly woman at the Ethiopian Airlines counter knew all about us , and told us to be in the hotel lobby at 1 : 30am to take a shuttle to the airport . We went back to our room , slept until 12 : 30 , and got on the shuttle with the flight crew that would also be boarding the plane . A man met us at the airport and accompanied us through the airport . Things were going very well until we got to security . Because we had gotten right off of the plane onto the ambulance , we had not gone through customs . So , our passports weren 't stamped correctly , so the woman at security was not going to let us through . Our guide and her argued ( loudly ) for 15 - 20 minutes . She called someone , yelled at that person , and slammed down the phone . The two yelled some more . Meanwhile , the flight crew had left . I had fears that a ) we were going to miss the plane and b ) we were going to be stuck in Italy until someone figured out how to get us back to America . 2 . Our doctor had never heard of the medicine Allison had been prescribed . Lori 's sister looked it up and found that it was a pain killer most commonly given to livestock . 3 . I 'll never be able to thank Glen enough for his help with Michael and all of our luggage that also continued on as well as for making sure Lori was informed . It 's a good feeling when you know someone has your back . He 's a great friend . It 's hard to believe that it 's Friday already . Last week , leading up to our departure from the U . S . , seemed to take forever . Today we have the feast , goody giveaways , and good - byes to say . It will be a long day . The Bible story today is about serving others . Rob tells the story of how Jesus washed feet . Today , we will wash the kids ' feet . Eight of us took turns washing feet . About thirty of the kids chose not to have their feet washed , mostly the older kids . We had gloves for these dirty feet , but several of the group chose not to wear them . I started out wearing them , and made Michael and Allison wear them . To be sure , the kids ' feet were filthy . Even after taking my time to clean them , there was still dirt on the rags when I dried them . Eventually , though , I shed the gloves . To me , it contradicted the message of servitude by having these blue gloves on while showing these kids that we were serving them . They were a barrier between my hands and their feet . I felt that they said I will serve you , but only if I am protected . After we were done , the kids washed our feet . Natnael immediately found me and washed mine . The water was COLD ! Not one child had reacted to the cold water , so I made sure I did not mention it either . At the same time , some of the team were painting faces . I think the two most popular selections were hearts and the Ethiopian flag . The kids loved having their faces painted . I heard later that some of them were wiping their faces clean so they could be painted again . These kids love the attention they receive this week . They love being held . They love being touched . It doesn 't surprise me that they wanted their faces painted again . After the foot washing , we handed out bags packed with goodies . The bags had been donated and included a small book with pictures depicting scenes from the Bible . It also included a stuffed turtle . The team supplemented the items with water bottles , granola bars , pens , and hygiene kits . The hygiene kids came in hand sewn bags by Lori 's aunt and a colleague at work and her friends . each kit contained a toothbrush and toothpaste , chap stick , a wide toothed comb , band aids , alcohol wipes , soap , and a rubber band bracelet . Fikre explained the contents of the bag in Amharic , which none of our team could understand . The kids roared with approval as he was talking right before he pulled the pens out . They definitely like getting pens ! Next , we handed out Amharic Bibles . Samantha , my niece , raised money to buy a Bible for everyone . There were two versions of the Bible ; a standard Bible with a blue or brown leather cover with a bookmark for the older kids and a paperback Bible with pictures for the younger ones . About 40 of them returned the Bibles , as they are Moslem and it would have been dangerous for them to take them home . ( Some of the kids from Moslem families have become Christian but have not told their families as it would be trouble for them . ) The Bibles will be left at the church for them to use when they are there . Then came the feast . There were three stations set up . One was for the Moslems . They could only eat meat from an animal killed by a Moslem . The second station was for the Greek Orthodox kids . Since it is Lent , they are fasting on meat . The final station was for Christians who did not have any dietary restrictions . The woman at one of the tables was serving the potatoes and carrots and the meat , so I jumped in to help . It was the longest line of the three . I found out later I was serving the Moslem kids . Fortunately , I didn 't break any rules about serving Moslems . I was scolded for not giving the kids enough carrots and potatoes . I was all too happy to give out more . I was worried about making sure there was enough for everyone . There was no reason to worry . They had enough so that the kids could come back for as much as they wanted . Two years ago , the good byes took a very long time as everyone was crying . I wondered if it would be the same as they had learned we return every year . Sure enough , the tears started to flow . Even the kids who showed the tough personal all week had wet eyes . A few of the older boys were joking about the kids who were crying , but by the end some of their eyes were misty too . I had decided earlier that I was going to give Natnael my Notre Dame hat . At first , he thought I was giving it to him to wear just that day . Zelalem came over asking about it . Natnael 's eyes lit up when I told them that it was his to keep . A few of the kids wouldn 't let go or kept returning . Natnael , Seada , Abebaw , and Karima , especially were repeatedly back at my side . The kids were finally shoed out . We took a moment to regroup , and started packing up to return to the hotel . After a bit , when we thought the kids were long gone , we gathered for a group photo . Sure enough , many of the kids were still there , standing on top of the bus yelling at us . We were mobbed on the way to the bus . Another round of hugs and we were off . In the afternoon , some of us went to meet with a pastor who is trying to get a care point started with support from Children 's Hopechest . It was a great conversation . If all goes well , there should be another 150 kids to sponsor by June . We learned that there are over 4000 kids in Kombolcha on a government waiting list to get into such programs . The government is eager to support organizations looking to create such care points . While at the pastor 's house , we had a traditional Ethiopian coffee ceremony . I 'm not a coffee drinker , except for when I 'm in Ethiopia . The ceremony starts with green coffee beans being roasted over an open fire . The coffee maker , traditionally a woman dressed in a white dress with her head wrapped , walks the still roasting beans around the room so everyone can smell the aroma . The beans are then ground and put into a clay pot with water over the fire . Right before the coffee is served , a bowl of popcorn is passed around . The popcorn is air popped and has sugar sprinkled on top . The coffee is served in small cups . A spoonful of pure ( not processed ) sugar is added , and wah la , a great cup of coffee . It was Glen 's first cup of coffee ever . I don 't think he was very impressed , but I LOVED it ! Dinner was back at the church with its leadership . We had a great time eating a traditional Ethiopian meal , listening to music , and lighting sparklers . The church leadership is doing a great job with these kids . I can 't wait to return in two years . Our rec activity today was in two parts . Michael and Glen had been saving large water bottles all week ( We go through a lot of water here . It is really dry . ) They put rocks in the bottom of the bottles and set them up as bowling pins . The kids kicked balls into the pins to knock down as many as possible The kids loved this activity . There were water bottles flying everywhere ! John , Michael , and Glen had quite the time picking up and setting up pins . One of the best at it was a girl who was wearing a long skirt and shoes with heels . Patty , Aaron , and I played hot potato . We had two circles , each with a yellow bean bag . The kids would pass the ball until I yelled " Abook ! " ( Stop in Amharic . ) Aaron had the great idea to involve the kids in yelling Abook . The kid holding the bean bag was out . As kids were eliminated , they joined us in calling Abook . We would count softly to three , " Aund , Houlet , Sost " and then yell " Abook ! " I think some of the kids intentionally got out so they could yell with me since we were having so much fun . As the " out " group got bigger and bigger , the " Abook " got louder and louder . For the afternoon session , we did the same thing . However , most of the kids had attended in the morning , so they tended to float around to the activities of their choosing . It was a bit chaotic . During the afternoon good - byes , two things happened that showed how hard tomorrow is going to be . First , as I was sitting on the stage getting a drink of water , the Tennant 's sponsored child approached Rob to ask if he was returning next year . He assured her that he was coming back , but presumably because of the language barrier , it was a long conversation and I 'm not quite sure she understood what he was telling her . A few minutes later , Natnael came up to me and gave me a big hug . As his arms were wrapped around me , he whispered , " Prayer ? " while pointing at himself . He was asking me to pray for him . Now , I 've always felt awkward when it comes to praying out loud . You wouldn 't think it would be so hard . Whenever I 'm asked to pray in a group , I 'm extremely self - conscious . I listen to other people pray and they are so eloquent in their words and sound like they 're having a genuine conversation with God . I , on the other hand , feel like I 'm stumbling over my words , repeat myself , and tend to have much shorter prayers than anyone else . Nonetheless , I 'm not going to tell a young boy who has just asked me to pray for him " no " and besides , he is unlikely to judge me anyways since he can 't understand most of what I 'm saying . So , I took his hand , led him over to a quiet space in the room , sat down , and put my arm around him . And I prayed . And it was allI could do to get through the prayer because I felt I was going to cry . I felt as if I had been given a great responsibility with what I 'd been asked to do and if I didn 't do it right , I would be failing this young boy . I did the best I felt I could and hope I did him justice . As I was praying with Natnael , with my arm wrapped around him with my hand resting on his shoulder , I felt something brush up against the hand on Natnael 's shoulder . It was the Tennant 's sponsored daughter . She was sobbing . I lengthened my reach to hold her as well as we prayed . I gave each of them big hugs after we were done . Natnael leaned over to me and whispered ever so quietly into my ear : " thank you . " During the lunch break , Allison , Michael , Glen , and I went for a walk . We headed towards the edge of town , which unfortunately was all uphill . There are mountains bordering Kombolcha with some large hills nearby . Michael really wanted to hike to the top . It was my intention to walk thirty minutes out and thirty minutes back . Unfortunately for Michael , there was no place that served as a natural entry to the hills as the entire road was bordered by houses . We tend to stand out around here , so we got lots of " hellos , " lots of " selams " , and lots of stares . A couple of the three wheeled taxis ( which are are everywhere ) stopped to ask us if we wanted a ride . We politely declined . Fortunately , the return walk was all downhill , so it was much easier . Still , it was a hot , sweaty walk . We got rained on a couple of times . We were grateful that there was still time to put our feet up for a few minutes before we returned to the care point . Still , the walk did Allison in . She did not feel well at dinner . I told her to go to her room and lay down and I would go up to check on her when dinner was served . I told her that if she was sleep , I would leave her . Allison was asleep when I went to get her and has still not awoken . Besrate was there today ! Allison and Michael helped him open his care package . He especially loved his red shirt , immediately changing into it . His big news is that he is no longer living with his sister . Instead he is living with his uncle . He would not elaborate on why there was this change , only saying he didn 't want to live with her anymore . Allison and Michael really want to visit Kalkidan 's home . Since Lori had gone last year , my preference was to go to someone 's house sponsored by a family we know . Luckily we were able to do both . But first the care packages . are on the ground . Flexibility is the name of the game . The " plan " was to have all of the kids do rec while waiting for their care packages . Rec would occur in the back room with the dirt floor . Glen and I spent nearly an hour last night planning activities . The " plan " involved splitting the kids into eight groups and having them rotate through the stations . While we were setting up , the kids arrived . . . with no tranaslator . Needless to say , chaos ensued . The jump ropes we had laid out for a hopscotch game were no longer on the floor . Balls for a hot potato game became projectiles , bouncing off people 's faces . A cloud of dust enveloped the whole space . As Glen and I were trying to get things under control , I was called by Rob to help with the care packages . We had counted on having half of the kids arrive the the morning and the rest in the afternoon . However , most of the kids arrived in the morning , completely throwing off the system . A big lag was underway and Each station included a translator and a memberof our team to explain some of the items in thecare package . things were going very slowly . Two stations were originally set up , but we found that four were really needed . Each station consisted of a child , a translator , and a member of our team to explain the contents of each care package . For example , some of the packages contained wash clothes that are compressed and wrapped in plastic . It was confusing for folks . The chap stick needed to be explained for a copule of the translators . The kids got a kick out of the cards that played music . One card had a recorded message from her sponsor familyr , the Dineens . Her face lit up when she heard their voices . coordinating the care packages , a list of the kids sponsored by families that we knew . When one of them came out , I took a short break to have my picture taken with him or her . There were a couple of instances when I couldn 't break away , so Michael or Allison had their pictures taken . When Kalkidan came out , both Michael and Allison helped her to go through her care package . At lunch time , a few of us got to go on a home visit . Michael , Allison , and Patty went to visit Kalkidan and Abebaw 's home . When Lori went to visit last year , she was surprised that they had electricity and a television . This year , the television was gone . Theirs is a two room home , one for the parents and the other for the kids . Kalkidan and Abebaw sleep on a thin twin mattress . Their older brother , who works , sleeps on another mattress . While the rest of us waited on the bus , John had started talking about Belete , the boy who had drowned . The girl with him , who I thought was his sponsored daughter , started crying , which made Ginger 's sponsored daughter start crying . At the next stop , John asked Allison and Michael to join him so they could see another home . He specifically asked Allison to take pictures . After about 15 minutes , Allison comes rushing into the bus in tears . She sat down next to me and explained that we had visited Belete 's mother and aunt , that the girl that was with them was Belete 's cousin . John nad brought a care package for Belete 's mother . Allison said she held it together until she walked out the door , at which point she started sobbing . She didn 't cry for long , but it clearly touched her . The next stop was to the house of Ginger 's sponsored child . Again , Allison went in to take pictures . While we were waiting , Michael handed out rubber band bracelets ( given to us by the Vachets and Becky Pobliego ) and pens . Lots of kids came running for the pens and bracelets , and an adult asked if she could have one of the bracelets . Next was our stop . I want to understand as much as possible the lives of the kids sponsored by families we know . This year , I chose to visit Natnael 's home , sponsored by David and Linda Gregory . Natnael is a thirteen year old boy , a head shorter than Michael , but the same age . I had spent time playing with him two years ago . He had been distant at first , but quickly warmed to me . This year , he was quickly by my side , reaching for my hand whenever possible . He was very excited to have me visiting his home . Natnael lives with his sister , two brothers , and mother in a 12 ' by 15 ' one room apartment . There is no electricity , nor is there a window . The natural light comes by way of the open door . Natnael 's mother is a cleaner , but also cares for her kids . Natnael 's older brother goes to school , but his younger siblings are at home . They are extremely malnourished . Natnael 's father passed away while his mother was pregnant with her youngest . I didn 't ask how but I learned that malaria is the most common reason for death in Kombolcha . mother decided she needed her kids to be in a nicer and bigger place in a better neighborhood . She was extremely grateful that Natnael was being sponsored and the opportunity it was giving him . She says she would love to have her other kids in the program but the current rule is that only one child per family can participate unless a sponsor steps forward . Last year , Abebaw , Kalkidan 's brother , was not in the program until our friend Carey Douglas , who was on the trip , agreed to sponsor him . On the bus , I asked Fikre about one of Natnael 's sisters . She had been sitting quietly next to her mother . She had lesions on her face and crusted bumps on the top of her head . He suspected it was a fungus that could be treated with a topical cream . I asked what kind of access to medical care she might have . He replied that because she is not in the program , she cannot be seen a the care point . A doctor plus the medicine she needs would cost about 150 birr . That 's the equivalent of about $ 10 . In the U . S . , you can 't hardly walk into the doctor 's office for $ 10 . I gave Fikre the money and he said that the care point staff would take her to get care . ( I later got word that they had taken her to the doctor , she had received cream , and it would be cleared up within a week . She has a follow up appointment next week . Once again , it 's amazing how little it takes to make such a big difference . Back at the care point , we continued handing out care packages . It went very smoothly , and the kids were very appreciative . They especially love receiving photos of their sponsor families . Many walk around asking each of us if we know the people in the photos . When I sat with the Wise 's sponsored child , Seada , and the Masse 's sponsored child , Hanok , I pulled out my phone . Last spring I had chaperoned a trip to Nature 's Classroom at Cape Cod and had taken pictures of Jaden Wise and Colby Masse after they had done their " camouflage " session . I showed them the photos , which got smiles . Back at the hotel , and after another long dinner , I joined the group outside for sugar cane . Sugar cane grows natively in Ethiopia and is quite the treat . Sugar cane looks like bamboo from the outside , only it is thicker ( 3 - 4 inches in diameter ) . The sugar cane is quartered and you rip off a strip of the fibrous material with your teeth , chew on it to pull out the very sweet juice , and then spit out the remaining pulp . While the taste is not bad , it feels like you 're chewing on wood . I have a rule that any food you eat should not require more work than the enjoyment you get out of said food ( For example , buffalo wings are too much work for too little return . Same goes for ribs . ) 1 . Speaking of the feast , the main course arrived at the care point today . They have the three lambs tied up out back . I tried to take pictures of dinner , but it kept moving . I 'm in the rec group this year . There were supposed to be three of us , but John stayed at the hotel because he was sick , so Patty and I ran the show . Our space is half of an enclosed structure with a dirt floor . In the corner is a pile of rocks and an old ladder with rusty nails sticking out of it . I want to keep it simple . While there are plenty of translators , you can 't always depend on having one nearby . I also wanted to keep it calm since I had heard from last year how dusty it got . We had two games . Second , we laid out jump ropes in circles and had the kids toss bags into the circles . There was a large circle and two small circles . After the kids got bored , I formed the jump rope in a circle and held it aloft for the kids to throw the bags through . Over time , I made the hole smaller and smaller . It was interesting to see the low standards at least one of the translators had for these kids . The smaller circle I had formed out of the jump ropes were about eight inches wide . The translator told me the circle was too small and took it upon himself to make it bigger . As soon as he left , I made them smaller again . While the kids couldn 't hit them at first , after time many of them were nailing it . I can 't help but wonder whether there are low expectations for these kids . After 90 minutes , the kids gather in the sanctuary for bananas and bread . There were supposed to be oranges , but none could be found in Kombolcha . After our good - byes , we went to the back office to debrief , eat our lunch , and rest . Jen , our resident nurse , brought chocolate peanut butter . It was delicious ! Michael had been outside during the morning session and had gotten overheated . Jen gave him an electrolyte packet to add to his water . He proclaimed it was gross , but we made him drink it . Riana tried to make it easier for him by giving him a nutribar to eat between drinks . That didn 't help much . Joy gave him a squirt of her liquid water enhancer . Michael liked it then and was able to finish it off . We returned to the hotel . Michael , Allison , and I took a short walk . We tend to stick out in Ethiopia so were the subject of many stares . After our walk we headed back to the care point to do the VBS for the second group of kids . To our surprise , many of the kids had returned . Apparently , many of them had received permission to miss school so they could come to the drop in center all day . Being ready to leave at 5 : 30 was not a problem for us , as we were seriously jet - lagged . Allison woke up at 1 a . m . and worked on homework ( impressive , eh ? ) Michael rolled around in bed . I woke up at 2 , but was able to go back to sleep until 5 ( I hadn 't had a good sleep since the hotel on Friday night ) . My wakeup call was the call to prayer from either the Greek Orthodox church or the mosque down the street that was said over the loud speaker . The call went on for a long time . I 've written before about the amazing journey from Addis to Kombolcha . The geography varies from what you would see in the Great Plains states to the barren hills of parts of eastern Washington to the lush forests of the Pacific Northwest to the deserts of Arizona to the hills and mountains of southern California . Along the way , you drive through small villages bustling with activity , past the traditional Ethiopian wood and mud huts with thatched roofs , livestock everywhere , and people walking to destinations known only to them even in what is seemingly the middle of nowhere for unimaginable distances . As was the case with each of my other trips , I didn 't want to take my eyes off of the scenery . There was something new to see around every turn . I did use some of the time to study . When I was in Kombolcha two years ago , the kids were desperate for me to learn their names . I 'm terrible at remembering names , so I had printed photos of the kids sponsored by our friends and family and wrote their names and the name of his or her sponsor on the back . I drilled myself until I had them down . I had also printed out a sheet of common Amharic terms and tried to memorize as many of those as possible . ( I really want to learn Amharic . ) Glen asked Fikre if it would be okay to give him some food ( we were eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches ) . Allison and Michael thought it would be nice to give him one of two small rubber balls they had brought with them . By the time they got the ball of of the bus the boy was far down the road . Michael and Glen decided to run down the road after him . It was a bit disconcerting to see Michael far off in the distance but I knew he was in good hands . After Michael had given the boy the ball , the boy wandered into the nearby field full of livestock . Apparently , the boy is a shepherd . A few minutes after their return , the same boy comes walking back from the direction they had come with another boy . I 'm not sure whether it was his brother or a friend , but nonetheless , he also got a sandwich and the other ball . They were very happy and grateful . Finally , after ten hours of driving , we arrived at the now familiar Sunny Side Hotel . It 's certainly not a Hilton , but it 's pretty comfortable and the staff are friendly and helpful . Glen and I are sharing a room , and Allison and Michael are roommates . Initially , our rooms weren 't in the same building , but they quickly rearranged our rooms so we were across the hall from each other . After a brief rest , we were off to the care point to meet the kids . We were brought to the front of the room for introductions . I immediately started searching for familiar faces . They had grown a lot since I 'd first met them five years ago . My drilling served me well . The first child I saw was Karima , sponsored by Lori 's aunt and uncle . She is a spark plug ( I had spent a lot of time with her two years ago ) . Her face lip up when I called out her name . Next I saw Natnael , sponsored by my boss and his wife , David and Linda Gregory . Then came Henok , sponsored by our friends the Masse 's . Finally , I saw Seada , sponsored by our friends the Wise 's . Over the next ten minutes , I found most of the kids I had come to know . However , I couldn 't find Kalkidan , the girl we sponsor . Nor could I find Besrate , sponsored by our friends the Morris ' . I had visited his home on the last trip . We were then seated , as the children had prepared a short program for us . One girl welcomed us , and then a choir sang us two amazing songs . All the time , I was looking for Kalkidan and Besrate . One face I knew would be missing was Belete . Belete was an older boy who was highly regarded by the other kids . A joyful personality , he had the traits of a natural leader . In 2012 , someone had donated hair bands . The girls thought it would be fun to try to get the boys to wear them . None of the boys thought it was something they should be doing , until Belete put one on . Suddenly , everyone was sporting a head band . Everyone loved Belete . Last November , we learned that Belete had drowned . I , as I 'm sure was the case for everyone who knew him , was devastated . There would be no Belete at this visit . After the program , we mingled with the kids . I still hadn 't found Kalkidan , so asked Fikre to find her . After a minute , there she was , much taller than I 'd remembered her , and even more graceful but the same beautiful smile . She gave me a big hug and then got hugs from Michael and Allison . I had mentioned that Patty had her travel plans altered by United and was supposed to fly from South Carolina to Philadelphia to London to Addis . I learned before we left Addis that United had sent her from South Carolina to Philadelphia to North Carolina to Dulles to catch the next day 's direct flight on Ethiopian Airlines . United hadn 't offered Patty a hotel , so she had to spend the night at the airport ( sleeping behind the ticket counter ) . Patty had spoken to Lori , who gave her detailed instructions on how to navigate customs and baggage claim once she got to Ethiopia . Becka David , one of our coordinators , and Zelalem went to pick her up at the airport while we left for Kombolcha . Patty was waiting for us at the hotel upon our arrival . She was tired , but grateful to be with us . It was great to see her . I remember the first time we drove through the streets of Addis . We had arrived to bring Daniel home . It was late at night and we were exhausted . It felt strange and uncomfortable . Everything was unfamiliar . No recognizable stores or restaurants . Our route to the hotel involved lots of twists and turns . This is my fifth trip to Ethiopia . What was then unfamiliar is no longer so . The airport parking lot , once overwhelming because of its chaos , is a welcome sight . The ride through the city is now as easy as riding through Chicago or Boston ( not that I would ever drive here . . . ) . I am comforted by what I recognize ( places where we 've eaten dinner or shopped , landmarks , buildings ) and impressed by the new construction that has taken place since my last visit . We arrive at the guest house , check in , and unload the bags . Fortunately , we didn 't have to haul every upstairs . The elevation in Addis is very high and walking up stairs , even for someone in good shape , is tiring . This place has no elevator , so the thought of carrying fifty pound suitcases up to the third floor is tiring in of itself . We were able to leave the bags with donations in a small room on the first floor . A quick lunch and a power nap and I was ready to go . However , the kids had not slept on the plane either so were wiped out . After lunch , they collapsed . They had wanted to go for a walk , but I couldn 't bring myself to wake them up . Lori and I have always had a rule to not wake a sleeping child . We can 't always follow that rule , but it 's a good general principle . At 3 : 30 though , I started to worry that if I let them sleep much longer they wouldn 't sleep that night . However , they were sleeping so peacefully , I left them alone . Michael came down at 4 : 00 . Allison was still sleeping . Knowing I would get grief for not waking her , Glen Michael , and I left anyways . So here 's another sign of how comfortable I am now in Addis . Six years ago , we would never have ventured out on our own . Three years ago , we only walked when we had specifically asked our guides where it was okay to go . This time , we just went . The others in our group didn 't seem too keen on what we were doing ! We walked by stores , past lots of people hanging out on the streets , and saw a bunch of kids playing soccer in the road 's median with a ball that looked like nothing more than a big ball of string . Michael was tempted to go play with them , but opted out . We stopped by a store to buy bananas ( we paid the equivalent of $ 1 . 50 for a dozen bananas ) . Bananas are amazing here . In the U . S . , our bananas come from Mexico or South America . So that they 're not rotten by the time they get to us , they 're picked when they 're still greet . They 're ( sometimes ) yellow by the time they get to us . In Ethiopia , bananas are picked ripe from the tree . As a result , they 're sweeter and have much more taste . The others at the guest house enjoyed the nice treat and Michael was thrilled to share . Thirty minutes after our return , Allison comes sauntering down , still half asleep , but unhappy that I didn 't wake her up . I offered to go on another walk , which she agreed to . Fikre , a member of the Children 's Hopechest staff , went with us so we could buy minutes for our mobile phone . On our earlier walk , a street vendor was selling socks and Michael saw a pair he really liked . Fikre asked the man about its cost . Fikre told us that they cost 20 birr , but he had negotiated it down to 18 birr ( a difference of about 20 cents ) . Michael is thrilled with his new acquisition . I am excited to see how the two teenagers interact with the kids of Kombolcha . They both have big hearts , so I know it will be a good experience . Also going on this trip are our friend Glen Bogdanovich and my cousin Patty . Glen 's wife , Mindi , went last year . The itinerary is a little crazy . We are flying out of Boston on Friday , staying the night at a hotel near Dulles airport , and meeting the rest of the group Saturday morning for a 10 : 15 flight . Despite some unexpected traffic in Boston , we made it to the airport in good time . Lori dropped us off and we said our good - byes . Lori had called United , who assured her that we would be able to check our nine suitcases ( 50 pounds each ) through to Addis . Our first surprise came at the check - in counter . United would not check our bags through since had more than a six hour layover . We had to get our bags in D . C . and haul them to the hotel . We had a very nice porter ( I think he was from Ethiopia ) who helped us get our bags off the conveyor belt and to the hotel shuttle stop . Despite being told the shuttle would take five minutes , we waited almost another hour outside ( temperature was about 20 degrees ) for its arrival . There was another snag . I received a text from Patty at 6 : 30 am that United had canceled her flight out of South Carolina . She would not make the connection in D . C . , and in fact been rerouted through Philadelphia to London and then on to Addis . Since Patty had never been to Ethiopia , this was not welcome news . I spent the next three hours trying to call her to no avail . Finally , as we were boarding , she called to give me her itinerary . What she told me didn 't make any sense , as the time she was to arrive in Addis was an hour before she was supposed to be landing in London . I don 't think time travel has been invented yet . I suggested she get more info from United . I also gave her Zalalem 's phone number and assured her someone would meet her at the airport in Addis . Afternoon update from Kombolcha : Today is care package day ! It 's been a crazy day of anticipation as each child is waiting for their name to be called ! ! The children are LOVING their care packages . John Logan is feeling better but Laken has tummy issues and stayed back at the hotel . Ginger is not feeling 100 % but is participating in camp . I think Rob slept last night ! Please continue to be in prayer for our team . Tuesday Update - John Logan has a stomach bug - and Ginger Burks is not feeling well - please continue to pray for them . Rob is trying to go to sleep now . The camp went well today . The children had a great time and didn 't want to leave ! There are a few minor logistical issues - the area for Recreation has two HUGE mounds of dirt on them . But Glen is doing a great job of working around them . There is no internet so we don 't have any pictures to share yet . Joy Sturgill , Allison L and Stephanie C . had a dance off during camp and the kids loved it ! Tomorrow is Care package day ! On Friday March 7 , We arrived at Boston airport with 9 50 pound bags and 7 15 pound bags . We checked in hoping that we could check our bags all the way to Ethiopia ! Well United said that our lay over was longer than 6 hours at Dulles and we would have to take all our bags with us on the shuttle to the hotel ! Saturday morning , our world travelers are ready to go ! Lori here , The trip is going well , it has started with a few road bumps ! Rob , our team pastor was sick and one team member had her flight cancelled and didn 't make the flight with the team . Rob is feeling better and Patty is now with the team ! There is no internet in Kombolcha , and it is not looking like there will be any for the week ! So I will update what I can . The team arrived in Kombolcha today . The kids sang to the team . They spent time loving on the kids and playing with them ! The girls thought Michael was cute and liked telling Allison that . Tom said that Allison and Michael had kids all around them . Tom is specifically looking for all of the sponsor kids of our friends and families . He spent time with 3 or 4 of them today . One fun thing from today , while eating their picnic lunch Allison and Michael offered a kid on the side of the road some food . After he walked away , Allison said I should have given him one of the balls I had in my bag . They ran back to the van to get a ball , by the time she dug through her bag , he was a long way down the road . She was ready to give up ! Glen told her to run , and together with Michael they ran after the kid to give him a ball ! Soon the kid ran back with a friend asking for another ball . They gave him a ball , and gave them empty water bottles from the van . The kids posed for pictures with Allison and Michael ! Michael , Allison , and I will leave for Ethiopia on Saturday , March 8 . We fly to Dulles airport on Friday night with our friend Glen Bogdanovich ( for whom this is his first trip . His wife Myndi traveled with Lori and Benjamin last year ) . On Saturday morning , we 'll meet up with my cousin Patty , and many friends as well as soon to be friends . We will arrive in Ethiopia on Sunday , spend the night in Addis Ababa , and make the ten hour drive to Kombolcha on Monday . We 'll spend late Monday , and Tuesday through Friday with the kids . Next year , we will begin working with a second care point , so we will also be visiting that location . We 'll drive back to Addis Ababa the next day , spend Sunday and Monday attending church and being tourists and will leave Ethiopia late Monday night , returning to the U . S . early Tuesday morning . Ethiopia is eight hours ahead of Eastern time . P . S . Did you know you can set Blogger up to receive an email when this blog is updated ? Go to http : / / www . blogger . com and login with your Google account . Click on the " Add " button under " Reading List " and add " laughners . blogspot . com . "

HI Isabella ! That Smart Milk is really scary . It makes them learn real fast , but I don 't think it has any lasting effects . I 'd be cool if they sometimes turned alien or mutant or something as a side affect . Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment . It encourages me a lot . Cathy was working on yet another reconfiguration of the 1 - 2 - 3 + Gym . She pushed out the exercise floor area , separated it from the treadmills with a half wall , and started teaching classes . Her first Yoga class was a bomb . She felt like a dork doing yoga all by herself , leaving Robbie to wait on customers alone . After a while though , both the exercise and the Yoga classes started to catch on and she 'd have several students . They even started practicing yoga on their own , using what she 'd taught them . In just a couple of days , the Gym 's popularity soared . The city website was deluged with calls from customers reporting their satisfaction . She even got a Best of the Best Award . She only needed a few more stars to be Rank 10 . Four businesses down and one to go ! The salon was an easy business to run , she wasn 't too worried about spending time there . She might see some of Lani 's toddlerhood after all . They still had not resolved the problem of the missing inventory at Kit - chen Caboodles . Weeks passed and Cathy and Norah were doing constant checks at Kit - chen Caboodles . Even though Cathy had commitments at the other stores , each evening she stopped by Kit - chen Caboodles to oversee the reconciliations . Night after night the numbers came out perfectly . ch71 - 07 no problems . jpg 179 . 85KB Cathy was getting frustrated . She was tired of working late and tired of looking at tapes showing a lot of ordinary commerce . She was beginning to think they had been hit by a burglar . Why else would inventory be short just the one time ? That really didn 't make sense either . There had been no sign of a break in . She felt in her gut that an employee was involved . But just one time ? That wasn 't the usual pattern for employee theft . ch71 - 08 not the pattern . jpg 178 . 88KB It was February and the ground was still covered in snow . Cathy hoped spring would be early this year . It had been a very busy winter . So busy that she had managed to skate out of most of their social obligations . The gym customers had kept her hopping today . Cathy took her usual break to come home before the nightly routine at Kit - chen Caboodles . It was still light when Cathy reached the house . She couldn 't wait to tell Malcolm that the latest gym improvements had done the trick . In fact was bursting with her good news . Her enthusiasm evaporated as she walked up to the front door . Something was terribly wrong with Watters . The old man was pacing around the front yard , making small circles in the snow and shaking . He was wearing a bathing suit . Surely he hadn 't been in the pool in this weather . ch71 - 10 watters in snow . jpg 225 . 54KB If she could get him to come in the house , she 'd call a doctor . He probably had only a few more minutes before he froze to death . She tried again . " Please Watters , it 's time for you to make dinner . " Again he refused . Finally , in desperation , Cathy told him to take the rest of the day off . It was the only thing she could think of to do to get him out of the cold . He walked off down the sidewalk and Cathy went inside . She 'd send Malcolm after him to make sure he got home safely . ch71 - 13 i need you . jpg 217 . 39KB " Well , I found him outdoors just now . He was in a swimsuit . He was circling and circling , and just getting colder and colder . I couldn 't get him in the house . " " The only thing I could think to do was to give him the rest of the day off . He walked off towards town . I think you should go try to find him . You may be able to get him into the car before he freezes to death or gets pneumonia . Even if he makes it home , he 'll need someone to look after him . " She never paid much attention to Watters as a person , but she really did appreciate everything he did for them . She might take him for granted , but Malcolm loved him . Watters had been taking care of Malcolm his whole life . She calculated backwards . Watters must be in his late 70s or early 80s . Was he ready to retire ? She lay down on the sofa to wait . Lani clambered up beside her , dragging the Wobbly Wabbit toy with her . Despite the noise and the worry , Cathy fell asleep . " I don 't know if he 'll be ok . I caught up with him a couple blocks from here . He let me drive him to the ER . They couldn 't find anything obvious so he 's scheduled for some tests . Dr . Rogers is keeping him for a few days . " " Good luck with that . Has he even taken one day off in the years ? " Cathy wished all her employees were that dedicated . " We 'll just have to make sure he takes care of himself . I don 't want to lose the old fellow . Today was really scary ! " " Still don 't know . He was pretty confused at the hospital , and stubborn . He didn 't want us to call anyone . You know Cathy , we might be his only family . " The long winter drew to an end in Riverblossom Hills . Spring slowly poked her head out and the sun melted all the snow . The flowers at their house came up with all their usual brilliance . What was not usual was that the Laandgrabbs did not welcome the season or the flowers . Theirs was a huge property to care for . It had only been a few days but it seemed like weeks that Watters had been in the hospital . All the yard work fell to Cathy and Malcolm . Along with all the cleaning and caring for a toddler . Even Lani seemed to miss her Watters , although she called him " WaaWaa . " Malcolm had the most flexible schedule , so he picked up most of the outdoor work . They split the cleaning , bill paying , taking out the trash and baby care . ch72 - 02 take out trash . jpg 165 . 89KB Cathy cut her store rotation back to the minimum . She hardly ever went in for a full day anywhere , and the only thing she did faithfully every day was check the receipts at Kit - chen Caboodles . She still wasn 't satisfied that the inventory shortage had been an accident . Malcolm 's cameras were working but hadn 't shown anything out of the ordinary . She wanted to hire some more household help in Watters absence , but Malcolm was having none of that idea . He visited Watters in the hospital daily and was absolutely certain that he would get better and come back . Most days he found Watters sleeping . Cathy had a feeling that when they did find out what was wrong with Watters , he might have to retire . Malcolm absolutely refused to discuss this possibility . He felt that replacing Watters , even temporarily would be a jinx . As Cathy vacuumed the living room , with Lani following on her heels , she thought back to her own childhood . It wasn 't that she hated housework per se ; it just came with so many bad memories . She pictured her mother lying on a ratty sofa , surrounded by empty beer cans , dropping cigarette ashes on the floor and complaining loudly about her terrible life . No wonder I 'm having trouble being a mother , Cathy realized . My mother never cared a bit for me , and she certainly didn 't set an example for me to follow . There was some good news , the day finally came when the 1 - 2 - 3 + Gym got its Rank 10 . Although Cathy hadn 't much time to spare , she had decided she could spare a few hours at the gym . She passed a few minutes relaxing with a little yoga practice and noticed that the gym had filled up nicely . When she checked the city website , as she did daily , the Chamber of Commerce announcement was posted . She pulled a bottle of champagne out of the mini - fridge and took a glass outside where Robbie was doing yard work . They toasted the business and themselves . ch72 - 12 rank 10 . jpg 169 . 27KB Cathy was betting he did a happy dance as soon as she was out of sight . Cathy left the gym in his care and sprinted home to tell Malcolm the news . She caught up with Malcolm watering flowers . " We got Rank 10 today at the gym ! " Cathy announced . " Well , " he said . " finally some good news . " They went inside for another bottle of champagne and more toasting . If the flowers died , they 'd plant more . ch72 - 15 toast malcolm . jpg 173 . 25KB " Well , yes . That and the fact that you have 4 top level businesses . You 've been flying under the radar . No one noticed until today that you and Mr . Landgraab have 6 operations and have received countless ' Best of the Best ' reviews . " Cathy could hear the capital letters . " I 'll talk to Malcolm . I 'm sure we can agree to an interview . Call me back tomorrow to finalize the details . " " Malcolm , " she called . " Guess what . We 're the new Riverblossom Hills ' Power Couple ' . Is that hilarious ? " She explained about the interview . " Yes , turns out to be pretty simple , " Dr . Rogers answered . " Sometimes as people get older they start having problems with medications . Mr . Watters was taking some over the counter allergy medicine . Mixed with his heart medication , it had a very adverse effect on him . Medication reactions are more common in older people than in younger adults . What seemed like dementia was just a bad reaction to his medicine . " " Well , he lives alone . We can release him , but we 're worried that there is no one to keep an eye on him . We don 't want any more self - medicating , and he probably shouldn 't be working so hard . " Dr . Rogers went on . " Our social worker tried to speak to him about retiring . He refused to even consider it . He became very upset when she mentioned a retirement home . Says you and Cathy can 't do without him . " " We obviously could do without him , but we certainly don 't want to . He 's a huge part my life . Let me talk to Cathy tonight and see what we can come up with . " " Mr . Watters is more than ready to leave the hospital . He 's been running the legs off Nurse Meyers . She keeps finding him out of bed , fixing and cleaning things . He 's repaired a faucet , two computers and the elevator so far . And he seems fascinated by the surgery training station . If he wasn 't already working for you , I 'd be tempted to keep him . " Dr . Rogers gave a little chuckle . " The trick is going to be getting him to slow down . " He made a turkey for dinner , and hoped for the best . Tired from all the extra exertion , he got ready for bed . They put Lani to bed early and sat down together to eat and talk about the problem . Malcolm gave silent thanks . " It 's what I 'd hoped you 'd say . It sounds like a good idea , but won 't he just work all the time if we do that ? " " We 'll have to make him rest . We could ease him into a sort of retirement . If we got a gardener for the outside stuff , the housework wouldn 't seem so hard . If it was still too much we could hire a housekeeper or maid . He can be in charge of all the staff . Let him do the hiring and firing . It 'll be a kind of promotion . That shouldn 't hurt his feelings . " " I really think we should try to get him more privacy than that little corner bedroom . It 'll do for now , but I 'm thinking I should take out my workshop and make a little apartment for him . " The corner bedroom had not been touched since they moved in and it was decorated for a little girl . Watters would absolutely hate it . " I can move my tools and stuff into the garage . I haven 't had much time for tinkering anyway since Lani was born . It 's really wasted space . " I am so happy Watters isn 't as seriously ill as appeared to be . I thought to myself , for crying out loud with all the money they have just hire so temp help . Just as I was thinking that , I read Macolm doesn 't want to because it might jinx him coming back . Its heartwarming how they want to take care of Watters . With all that Malcolm does . . . Hmm . . . Malcolm is almost seeming too good to be true . . . Back to top The inventory at Kit - chen Caboodles came up short again . Cathy and Norah were in for a very late night . They carefully counted each piece of merchandise in the storeroom and on the shelves . They counted the register and compared the bank deposit with the sales receipts . They went over each wholesale purchase for the week . There was quite a large discrepancy . Cathy checked the positioning of the cameras , satisfied that if there was anything to see , they would find it . Since Cathy 's office was so small , Malcolm had set up a desk with two computers in the break room so the two could watch the tapes side by side . Cathy was watching the cameras that covered the front door and street . Norah was watching the interior . While Norah ran for the bathroom , Cathy sat on the sofa , sipping a cup , thinking about the problem , trying to stay awake . There was nothing more boring than watching an ordinary business day on video . They 'd been looking at tapes for hours , trying to spot something out of the ordinary . Cathy moved to the table in the break room , grabbing a bottle of diet soda from the mini - fridge . She needed caffeine in the worst way if she was going to make it through the next few hours , but her stomach wouldn 't stand any more coffee . Cathy laid her head on her arms for a few minutes , her eyes burning . Cathy had called home hours ago : Malcolm had helped Watters get settled into the spare room . Not that she 'd been worried , she was too engrossed in this problem to spare much thought to the home front . She let Norah nap a bit longer , but returned to the computer screen and continued reviewing the downloaded feeds from the cameras . Even with fast forward , there were eight cameras . It was all Cathy could do to keep her eyes focused . So far all she 'd seen were a lot of ordinary transactions . Not one suspicious customer stuffing a single object into a pocket or purse . Norah opened her eyes . " Any more of that soda left ? I 'm completely coffeed out . " Cathy nodded to the mini - fridge . Norah grabbed a drink and headed back to the monitors . " Norah , check this out . " Cathy paused the replay and ran it backwards for a few seconds . Norah stood behind Cathy munching on a few chips and watching over her shoulder . The tape was from earlier in the day , Cathy had been stuck at home and Norah was running the business on her own . They watched in silence as a delivery truck pulled up from Kitchens Fantastic , one of their major suppliers . They watched as Shima left the store and rounded the back of the truck , clipboard in hand . She glanced at the list and signed off on it . 16 Shima & Truck . jpg 119 . 55KB Everything looked normal , the driver opened the doors of the truck and grabbed the dolly . He unloaded several boxes , rolling them around to the back door to the storeroom . Cathy counted 6 trips with 3 boxes each time . She turned to Norah . " Aren 't you the one to accept deliveries ? " Norah looked stricken . " Yes , it is my job . But I remember what happened yesterday . I was right in the middle of a big sale . Mrs . Seymour was picking out all new appliances for a major kitchen remodel . The sale was worth thousands . Sooo Shima said she 'd take the delivery for me . She 's such a great restocker , I knew she 'd have no trouble with the order . " Cathy sighed . " Let 's see that packing slip again . We need to see if that driver unloaded everything on the list . Has Shima or Jill accepted deliveries for you before ? " " Only Shima , and only a few times when I was real busy , " Norah confessed . She looked through the file cabinet and found the paperwork from yesterday 's delivery . With the list on the table in front of them they started counting the items . It was obvious that there was a lot more there than 18 boxes worth . They spun back the video and looked again . There were two dishwashers listed and not one of the boxes was large enough to hold even one . " Do you think she was just careless about signing ? " Norah wanted to know . The two women studied the image carefully . There was nothing in Shima 's body language to indicate any guilty knowledge . In fact it seemed she barely glanced at the unloaded parcels , quickly signed off and returned to work . " Maybe . She certainly doesn 't give any sign that she even knows the driver . But again maybe she is a good actress . It would take a lot of nerve on the part of the driver to assume that only she would be careless checking the shipments . He never tried it with you ? " " I think they 're conspiring . That would explain why so much time went by between incidents . It 's a rare occurrence that Shima takes a delivery . I 'll bet they 're selling the stuff on internet . A nice little salary bump for both of them . I 'd sure like to know where that truck went next . I 'm making a police report . Officer Quinn will get it sorted out . " " I should call Kitchens Fantastic tomorrow . I won 't say what the problem is ; Quinn can take care of that . But I 'm going to insist that they schedule deliveries before or after we close . That way you won 't have to walk away from sales to check in new stock . " Cathy reassured her , " Not a terrible manager , just too trusting . We 've both learned a lot from this , and it won 't happen again , right ? Go ahead and call it a night . " Cathy locked the door behind them and watched until Norah disappeared into the night . She had plenty of time on her own walk home to get depressed . She liked Shima and had trusted her . Now she 'd be hiring again . Malcolm had left a light on for her in the kitchen , but the rest of the house was dark . She 'd missed Lani 's bedtime again . Feeling like the most inadequate mother ever , she slid into bed beside Malcolm . It was a long time before her mind blanked out . Cathy called the police the next morning . It wasn 't her friend Quinn ; one of his officers came to take the report . He seemed excited when she gave him the tapes and her theory about the crimes . He promised that they would keep her informed of any actions they were taking . In the meantime , Shima was to be allowed to continue working . With Watters back in the picture things began to settle down again . Construction on his little guest house was coming along . Malcolm had removed all his tools to the garage as promised and they were expanding the little space for a bathroom and bedroom with a small sitting area for reading . In fact , she was quite surprised to find that he actually slept in regular pajamas . She wondered what he did to relax when he lived alone . He really didn 't seem to be slowing down all that much . She and Malcolm had tried several times over the last few days to impress upon him that he lived here . He wasn 't supposed to be working 24 / 7 . If he wanted to do some housework or childcare during the day , that was fine . But his main job was to be resting and recuperating . Cathy wondered how long it would take for him to become accustomed to being part of the family instead of an employee . He really wasn 't up to running the household again like he had been . The worst was when he walked away from the kitchen to answer one of Lani 's frequent calls . He completely forgot he had something in the oven . There wasn 't much damage ; the smoke detectors did their job . But still , it upset him greatly to see himself slipping . 08 fire . jpg 149 . 49KB The toughest battle was getting him to take meals with them . Cathy started with a small skirmish , insisting that he eat with her when Malcolm was not at home . It was an uphill battle , won only when she told him she hated eating alone . They were not the most relaxing of meals , but Cathy thought she noticed him loosening up a little bit . She was even able to coax him into playing some chess with her when Malcolm was off to one of his frequent business meetings . Of course , he beat her hands down . Every time . The next hurdle was hiring a gardener . Cathy could tell they 'd be going through gardeners at a pretty good clip until he found one that met his exacting standards . Every single flower and shrub was inspected each night and he didn 't hesitate to express his opinion of their work . It was nearly a week before Cathy heard back from the police about her inventory problem . Officer Quinn stopped by the store . He was happy to tell her that her suspicions were correct . Shima and the delivery man were conspiring . He was not so happy to tell her that they had absolutely no ties to the criminal organization that had been making his job miserable for so long . He had hoped that her minnows would lead to bigger fish . They were sitting in jail now , in their separate cells having been interviewed six ways from Sunday . Unfortunately , they were acting completely on their own . 19 quinn . jpg 147 . 45KB " I wish you 'd cracked our burglary ring , Cathy , " he said . " This is definitely penny - ante stuff . Not related at all to the larger thefts we 've had . " Cathy made a note to start interviewing again in the morning . Another little setback in her progress , but Kit - chen Caboodles had lost only money , not ranking . So now she was able to concentrate her attention on the Lakeside Spa , the last business she needed to make her five . I 've been slowly reading to get caught up . only on page 2 . . . but I like it so far . I only recently started experimenting with OFB , so I like seeing how it works . haven 't tried for a second buisness yet with any of my sims , but there are some in the planning . my legacy ; A Jym of an Alphabet Legacy Weeks , then months passed . The Lakeside Salon and Spa slowly , steadily grew in popularity . To Cathy , it was the easiest business she had ever started . ch75 - 01 massage . jpg 86 . 8KB Still did an occasional free haircut , not so many as she had at first . Most clients were now repeats . Andrew was becoming celebrated in his own right , making a big name for himself among the fashionable . ch75 - 04 andrew busy . jpg 63 . 42KB Watters settled into his apartment . He was still providing valuable help , albeit a bit slower than before . Malcolm , especially , was glad that Lani didn 't have to spend her days in preschool . Cathy was a little curious about how Lani would handle school when she was old enough . As an only child , with what was essentially her own retainer , was she going to be shocked that the world did not actually revolve around her ? ch75 - 06 watters apartment . jpg 92 . 38KB Malcolm had gone out for the evening but promised to return in time for dinner . Cathy sat down at the table , settled a glass of wine in front of her and picked up the newspaper that had been waiting for her since early that morning . A strange sound escaped from her lips , something between a hiss and a groan . She 'd turned the page and a full page ad smacked her in the face . Just great ! she thought . A new wrinkle in my business plan . She was taken totally by surprise . So much for friends on the city council , she frowned . Not even a hint that someone had applied for a business license in one of her areas . Would she lose customers at the 1 - 2 - 3 + Gym ? For years now , her only competition had been the Maple Springs Spa . It had a large pool , and a boutique , so attracted a slightly different crowd than her Gym . She thought for a while about her customer base . Would any of them be considered serious bodybuilders , or wannabe bodybuilders ? No one immediately came to mind , so she decided against freaking out . Still , it needed some analysis . Malcolm came in a little later and Watters served dinner . At the table , Cathy and Malcolm spoke about the new competition . Malcolm assured her that he would scope the new gym out the next morning . With Malcolm on the job , Cathy relaxed and enjoyed the lobster Watters had prepared . As they finished the last bites , Watters brought a freshly bathed Lani in to say goodnight . Cathy 's heart melted as she watched Malcolm cuddle and tease the little girl . Lani always went to sleep better if Malcolm tucked her in . Cathy thought about the little toddler and counted to herself . It wouldn 't be long before she was going to school . Where had the time gone ? Cathy was acutely aware that she 'd missed something . Something irretrievable . Obsession was like that , she supposed . She could only truly focus on one thing at a time ; her focus had been firmly on success . " They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever . " ~ Oscar Wilde Malcolm smiled , as he passed through the doors of the new business Cathy perceived as competition . Not a business Cathy would want to own , he decided instantly . It was completely hardcore , with a heavy - duty weight training area and lots of punching bags . He did more than glance around as he passed though the portal , taking careful note of the features and décor . Cathy would want a lot of details . The centerpiece of the gym was an octagon cage for mixed martial arts . It was surrounded by some seats and encircled by a row of punching bags . Definitely not Cathy 's style . In fact , there was no women 's locker room or restroom . Judging by the men he saw currently working on the bags and the machines , it appealed to a very different clientele from Cathy 's yoga and aerobics crowd . He had a feeling there would be a new breed of resident moving into Downtown . If the new owners handled the business correctly , staging tournaments both on a national level and for the newly trained here in town , he could see a population influx . No wonder the city council approved the business application so quickly . Malcolm sat down on the leg press . He began at a slow pace , wanting to blend in , but wanting to observe as well . Of course , he really didn 't blend in . He had considered himself pretty buff , but these guys made him look scrawny . ch75 - 16 leg press . jpg 42 . 9KB Looking at the other patrons , he wondered what kind of work they would find in Riverblossom Hills . It seemed a pity to waste all that sheer muscle . His fertile mind started churning , pumping out ideas to use them in his business ventures . When the brothers finished their workouts , he made his way into the locker room aiming to find out more about the bodybuilders . Brian and Daryl Henchman had come to town to take advantage of the new training venue . They were serious bodybuilders . Daryl particularly was training for competition . As Malcolm suspected , neither man had found satisfactory employment . Brian was working in a fast food restaurant and Daryl hadn 't found work at all . Malcolm slipped a business card to Daryl . The phone rang very early . Cathy answered quickly and spoke quietly , not wanting to wake the rest of the household . Watters had not come in yet for breakfast and Malcolm and Lani were sleeping soundly . It had been another late night for Malcolm : Cathy had been asleep when he came home . She hadn 't stirred enough to check the clock , much less ask him what he 'd been working on so late . Cathy stared at the handset , trying to pick up the thread of Suzanne 's thought . Then she remembered the interview she and Malcolm had done a few months ago . " That puff piece for the local paper ? We did it as a joke . What harm could that do ? " Cathy could hear Suzanne take a deep breath . " Well , it sure didn 't stay local , " she slowed down and began to explain . " Your ' rags to riches ' story got picked up by a bunch of regional papers . Of course , someone clipped it and sent it to Mom . " " Are you kidding ? She doesn 't want to quit drinking , just wants someone to take care of her , keep her supplied . You and your husband just moved up to the top slot . I think she got on a bus this morning . " Suzanne did not seem offended . " No , I have a good job . I 'm a nurse . But like most hospitals , we 're short - staffed . " " Suzanne … I 'm sorry I didn 't look for you . Too caught up in my own situation , I guess . " Cathy realized that in hiding from their Mom , the kids also hid from each other . " Are you married ? What about the others , are they OK ? " Suzanne laughed . Cathy had missed her robust laugh . " One question at a time , please . Not married , but I am with a really good guy . No kids . I haven 't had much contact with the rest of the clan ; I do know that Joe has had problems . He 's in prison . " " Don 't worry about that now , I 'm still feeling bad about abandoning you with the witch . You were still just a kid . Call me again , after you deal with Mom . Maybe we can get together . " Cathy hung up the phone . Suddenly her legs seemed to go out from under her . She sank down in the hallway , back to the wall , to keep from falling . It must have been several minutes before she was able to get up . Downstairs in the kitchen , she fired up the espresso machine . ch76 - 08 need coffee . jpg 82 . 75KB Malcolm spoke calmly and confidently . " Don 't worry Cathy , we 'll take care of it . It may be as easy as giving her some money . " They moved out to the living room . Malcolm played the piano , some of the ragtime tunes he was so fond of , hoping to cheer her up . ch76 - 10 waiting with memories . jpg 119 . 34KB Cathy barely heard the music . She remembered coming home from school every day , pausing at the door . It was a toss - up as to what she 'd find . If she was lucky her mom was passed out in bed or on the sofa , assuming she 'd managed to get up that day . On bad days , she was greeting by her mother 's verbal barrage . How come she was so late getting home ? The house was a mess . Didn 't she know her mother was sick ? She needed Cathy to take better care of her . If she couldn 't do a better job , she 'd have to quit school . How selfish Cathy was to linger at school when her mother needed dinner . On and on it went … . . And the house . No matter how much Cathy picked up before school , the coffee table and floor were covered with empty and half empty bottles and cans , many serving as impromptu ash trays . The stench of beer and smoke was disgusting . On really good days , her mother was ' entertaining ' and Cathy was kicked out of the house . She waited until late to come back home and let herself in quietly . She was usually hungry because she didn 't want to spend any of her meager savings on food . At least the library offered her a warm spot and her homework was finished . Cathy was so upset she almost choked on her coffee . The smell of eggs coming from the kitchen turned her stomach . She went upstairs hoping a shower would help her relax . She stretched out on the bed staring at the ceiling . Malcolm came in to talk to her . Cathy said , " I just don 't want her around . Especially around Lani . And I hate to say it , but the embarrassment factor in this is huge . Your old society friends are going to have another good laugh on me . I 'll bet the Salon explodes with customers , all looking at me with fake sympathy . " " Cathy , " Malcolm soothed . " How many times have I told you , we don 't care what people think ? I thought having friends in high places would be helpful . It 's really not . I don 't embarrass easily and I 'm proud of everything you 've accomplished . You are so far removed from your mother it 's hard to believe you 're related . " Cathy took a deep breath . Not helping . She tried another . Still not helping . Her yoga breathing had escaped her completely . Her heart was pounding , and Cathy realized that she was afraid , not just angry . It took a few more rings of the bell before she forced herself to open the door . It was even worse than she imagined . The woman standing before her was no longer the moderately attractive woman she remembered . Years of drinking had marked her face with deep wrinkles and her skin had a florid cast . It looked like she had some enhancements , but the enhancements looked to have sagged . Much lower than a surgeon would have originally placed them . Cathy wondered who paid for those . Her hair , which had been through a number of color changes in her youth had now been dyed a ridiculous dark red . Her taste in clothes had not changed in the least . They 'd had an early frost . It was only a little ways into fall , but it was freezing cold outside . Her mother was dressed in an impossibly low cut , cheap leopard skin print dress . Totally inappropriate for a woman her age , Cathy thought . Actually for a woman of any age . Too short , too low cut , and made of shiny , cheap polyester . The only warm thing she had on was a pair of boots . " Baby ! " she cried . " I 've been so worried . Why did you disappear like that ? She reached out to grab Cathy in an embrace . " But you were my baby ! My favorite . You don 't know what I went through when I found you gone . I tried to file a missing persons report but the police wouldn 't pay any attention . In fact , they refused to look for you . Had the nerve to tell me you were an adult and had the right to go anywhere you wanted . No matter how much I told them something bad had happened to you , they wouldn 't listen . " " Nothing bad happened . I 'm sure you would have heard about it if it had . " Cathy thought it was very likely that she had gone to the police . Her last meal ticket had just slithered away . " I don 't want to see you ! " Cathy was blunt . One thing about running the businesses , she had developed a thicker skin . " Please , baby . Let me in . It 's freezing out here . I fell asleep on the bus and someone stole my coat . " ch76 - 19 lost coat . jpg 110 . 42KB " Not a bit ! I 'm Delores , Cathy 's mother . " She almost shoved Cathy out of the way . Delores planted herself in front of Malcolm . She looked up and down the length of his body and gave him one of her patented leers . Delores stuck out her chest and ran her finger down Malcolm 's arm . Cathy went to the kitchen and started the coffee maker . At least she hadn 't asked for a drink . Cathy 's teeth were clenched so tightly , her jaw was starting to ache . And she felt like her shoulders had contracted up to her ears . All these years she 'd been dealing with business stress and today was the first day she 'd really , really wanted a valium . She set the coffee in front of Delores , who was really settling in on the couch . Malcolm had positioned himself at the farthest end and Cathy stood behind him . Might as well get it over with , Cathy thought . " What do you want , Mother ? " " Don 't be that way , Cathy . " Delores whined . " I missed you . And now I find out you have a baby daughter . I want to see my granddaughter . " Cathy had been anticipating this . " She 's not here right now . She 's with the babysitter . " Watters deserved better than to be called that , but Cathy knew he 'd forgive the deception . Last thing she wanted was for Delores to know they had someone living in with them . " Well , " said Delores . " I 'm going to be around . I can meet her later . I 'll be staying here with you , of course . " Not in this lifetime . Cathy didn 't say anything for a few seconds . Malcolm came to the rescue . " Delores , I 'll check you into a nice hotel downtown , " he said . " Cathy is too busy with her businesses to have houseguests . " " I 'm not a houseguest , I 'm family ! I could help you . If I were here , you wouldn 't need a babysitter . " It would have been funny if it weren 't so scary . " Our daughter is very settled now . " Malcolm used his most soothing tone of voice . " No need to change her routine . Finish your coffee , and I 'll take you to the hotel . " Cathy simply had to spend some time at each store today . She forced herself to eat breakfast . With five stores to visit who knew when she 'd get another chance . Where she ordinarily looked forward to going to work , today she was filled with trepidation . An hour or two at each business would have to do . It wasn 't the way she liked to run her businesses , but better than nothing . Her anxiety level was peaking near the top of the meter ; she was glad she didn 't know what her blood pressure was reading . She started off at Kit - chen Caboodles . It was early when she got there . Her manager , Norah arrived shortly thereafter . They worked companionably for an hour , helping the first few lines of customers . As a replacement restocker for the incarcerated Shima , they had hired Amanda . She and her husband wandered into Riverblossom Hills on a hiking trip , had spent a weekend snowed in at one of the cabins near the national park , and decided to stay . Cathy was interested to see her work . Norah , who had worked her way up from restocker to manager , had handled most of the training . So far , so good , Cathy observed . Cathy pushed on to the gym . If her mother was on her normal track , the gym would be the last place she would pop up . She didn 't have much time to spend here , so she slipped quietly into the back of a class . A little yoga practice lowered the stress level a bit . No sign of her at Valentine 's Anytime . Or at the Lakeside Spa . The spa was one place Cathy would not have minded seeing her mother . Maybe Andrew could do something about that hair ! Of course , Delores might have even more outrageous ideas . She had changed from the leopard print dress into a denim miniskirt and slinky low cut sleeveless red top . Cathy had to laugh in spite of herself . Strange costume for winter . Of course Delores had announced to Shannon that she was Cathy 's mother , He comped her . Cathy wished she 'd warned Shannon to keep her out . Just as well I didn 't , was her second thought . When Delores is angry , her shriek 's like a tsunami . The sound just keeps coming , sweeping away everything in its path . Now she was firmly entrenched in the bar . No one seemed to be paying attention to her . Cathy circled the club a few times , avoiding the bar as much as possible . Downstairs again she grimaced ; Delores was putting on quite a show on the dance floor . The jumble in her brain unraveled a little as she breathed in the chilly night air . Except for a few heavy snowstorms , the winter had been mild . She could see her breath , but she stayed warm by keeping a good pace . Walking to and from her stores was a pleasure and a therapy for Cathy . So far , Delores had only caused some minor embarrassment . If this is a bad as it gets , I can probably stand it , she thought . I will have to make it plain that she can 't snake her way through town dropping my name to get free services . It worked with Shannon , and Cathy supposed she 'd have to let her ' shop ' at her five stores , and Malcolm 's Electronics Superstore . She made a mental note to talk to all her managers . She 'd ask them to give Delores whatever she asked , but they needed to keep an eye on her . Other merchants were another story . Cathy worked hard to build up goodwill . Delores could annihilate that in minutes . Cathy decided she 'd have to grin and bear it . She hoped Malcolm would agree . They 'd talk in the morning about damage control . Cathy laughed a bit . Damage Control ? Politicians and other famous people had to deal with inconvenient relatives all the time . She was in good company . " I guess we can put up with her , Malcolm . " Cathy reached across the table and took his hand . " Of course it 's going to cost us . My thinking … . she 'll try to embarrass the money out of me . " " She 's at the Blue Lake Lodge for now . Do you want me to take some cash over ? " " I 'll do it later today . You paid for a few nights ? " Cathy asked . " Just for clothes , cigs and food . Plus a bottle or two to tide her over until the club opens . Too bad we don 't have a clothing store . The stuff I sell at Valentine 's … . . it 's mostly lingerie and I think my heart would stop if I had to see her wearing any of that . " Malcolm stood and picked up his empty plate . " Pretty well trained for a trust fund baby , " she again teased . It was one of their standing jokes . Malcolm was naturally much neater than she was . Cathy looked at the clock . It was time for her to be moving along . She gave Malcolm a quick kiss goodbye . She 'd had so many distractions lately , the ranking at the Lakeside Spa wasn 't progressing at all . " Still only rank 7 , ' she muttered . " No use going out to the lodge yet . Mother hasn 't see 8 : 00 am in years . " Cathy pressed her lips together , swallowing a groan . How could she have forgotten ? " Lani wouldn 't like a big party . " Cathy thought about the shy toddler . She only really felt comfortable with her family and Watters . She hid behind Watters when visitors approached her . " Just us , the Tinkers and the Ramirez family . Would you call the caterers for me ? " Cathy didn 't want to admit she hadn 't given the birthday a single thought . " I don 't want a sit - down dinner , so just finger foods and of course a birthday cake and coffee . " Cathy was winging it , but it sounded ok . She 'd been planning to start the day at Kit - chen Caboodles , but changed her mind . It suddenly seemed urgent to get to the Lakeside Spa . She hopped in the car and pulled out of the driveway . As she parked the car in front of the salon , she realized why she was hurrying . She thought about her business progress and the goals she 'd set so long ago . Her deadlines had been pushed back time and time again . First she 'd thought she 'd have her five top level businesses before she got married . Then she thought she 'd get there before she had children . The goal moved again after Lani was born . She 'd pushed the marker to before Lani was walking . Then she 'd had to move it again to before Lani started school . It looked like she was going to miss this mark , too . She unlocked the doors and opened the business . No customers were waiting , so she pushed open the office door and switched on the computer . She quickly scanned the business listings . Here it was , Lakeside Salon and Day Spa - Rank 7 . Just as she feared , there was no way was she going to reach Rank 10 in a week . Again the goal shifted like a mirage . At this rate she 'd be lucky to finish by the time Lani started high school . Why I 'll be an old lady by then ! Plenty of customers had come in while she was in the office . Three calming breaths later and she decided to give it her best shot , anyway . If I have to massage my fingers to the bone , she vowed , I 'm going to be Rank 8 before the party . She changed into her work clothes and started working the room . The morning ended on a low note . She got a call from Belle 's Boutique . A woman claiming to be her mother had charged some clothes to Cathy 's account . The cashier was going to be in big trouble if it wasn 't true . ch78 - 12 bellas . jpg 120 . 98KB Cathy saw trouble right away . Delores was out on the sidewalk in front of the lodge . She was yelling at poor Betty Goldstein and it looked like she was going to hit her . " That you have an old codger living at your house taking care of my granddaughter ! You said she was with a babysitter . " There was the familiar screech : it hadn 't changed in all these years . " Watters is not an old ' codger ' . He 's Malcolm 's butler and he 's been taking care of Lani since she was born . And yes , he has an apartment on the property . " " Well , I think it 's a disgrace . If you needed someone to take care of your child , you should have called me . I 'm family . I should have been living with you all along . Instead , you slink off in the night and never give me another thought . You and your fancy husband … thinking you need a butler . " Cathy fought back her anger and her tears . " I brought you some money . I don 't want you going all over town charging stuff to Malcolm and me . " Delores snatched the money , but turned around and went into her room , slamming the door behind her . " They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever . " ~ Oscar Wilde For a winter 's day it was just beautiful . The snow had disappeared and the sun was trying very hard to burn through the clouds . Lani was fussy ; she seemed bored with her toys . ch79 - 01 fussy . jpg 113 . 12KB Watters played with her a few minutes , tossing her in the air . Lani loved this game , but Watters was getting too old and Lani was getting too heavy to do it very long . Even though he was busy with the party preparations , he wanted to get outside and enjoy the sunshine . Lani certainly could use some fresh air . It was not the worst winter Riverblossom Hills had ever seen , it fact , it had been quite mild . January temperatures had been hanging in the 40s . Watters was itching to make sure all his plantings had survived . He settled her onto her toy car and sat back to enjoy the sun on his face . He missed the gardening . He always loved the way the shrubs and trees looked after they were trimmed . He liked the smell of grass as it was being cut . But he didn 't miss the aches and pains from bending . So it was probably for the best that someone else was doing that work now . It was about time to call the service he 'd hired last year and have them start getting ready for spring . In his mind , he started going over the list of things to do before the birthday . The cake had been ordered . Lani liked chocolate , so that 's what they were having . The rest of the menu had still not been decided . He was expecting a call from Catalina Caterers with the price for the last choices he 'd made . He looked over at Lani , watching her rock back and forth on the small red car . She was such a clever and energetic little one . He worried a little about her . She seemed to have inherited the worst of her parent 's features . Malcolm 's facial features did not translate well on a toddler . Her brows were too heavy and her face looked harsh . He hoped she would grow into her face . At any rate , she was well loved , healthy and smart . The call only lasted a few minutes . Watters , finally satisfied with the menu and the price , placed the phone back into the wall set . He pushed open the large French door that looked out onto the pool and back yard . The seat of Lani 's car was empty . He started to get uneasy . She 'd never tried to go in the pool before , but it was always a danger . He checked . The water was clear , and there was no sign of a little body anywhere at the bottom . Same with the hot tub , it was completely empty . Watters knew that Lani liked to go into his apartment , so he headed across the yard . He remembered locking the door . For once , his memory was correct . The door was firmly locked . Hurrying as fast as he could , her ran back to check the side yard . The gate was standing open , but Lani was nowhere in sight . Panic set in . He rushed back into the house and called to Cathy from the bottom of the stairs . She didn 't answer ; she must not be able to hear him over the television . He 'd climbed those stairs hundreds of times . Today it seemed to take him forever . He threw the master bedroom door open . Cathy was just coming out of the bathroom . She was startled to see Watters . He always waited until they came downstairs before he cleaned their room and made their bed . " Gone ! Missing ! I answered the phone . She was in the yard playing , and now she 's not . I 've checked everywhere . " Watters was spewing the words . Cathy felt her breathing stop completely . It was as if time had stretched . She couldn 't think . Everything felt completely unreal . Then time snapped back and sped up . Her heart beat so fast she could feel it in her ears . She can 't have gone far , Cathy was telling herself . She can walk , but she isn 't that steady on her feet . She ' toddles ' , that why they call them toddlers . Cathy knew she was panicking , but she couldn 't stop the chatter in her brain . I 'll see her up ahead any second now ! The sidewalk stretched ahead , completely empty . She turned around and looked the other way . The street climbed a very steep hill . She couldn 't have gone that way . Cathy stood on the corner , she could see both directions , but didn 't see anyone at all . She 'd have to go in and call for help . She needed Malcolm and the police . This was every wealthy parent 's nightmare . Her child had been kidnapped . I just started your story this morning and I just finished it . Bravo , I 've been enjoying your story very much ! Hope to see more Back to top TSR started August 1999 as the very first The Sims fansite . Today it 's the largest The Sims community in the world . We offer more custom content than any other site and it 's all for free ! © 1999 - 2014 IBIBI HB - All rights reserved This site is not endorsed by or affiliated with Electronic Arts , or its licensors . Trademarks are the property of their respective owners . Game content and materials copyright Electronic Arts Inc . and its licensors . All Rights Reserved .

Posted on August 28 , 2013 by Jessica Reply As of this past week , my YA books , Linked Through Time and Lost Through Time will only be available on Amazon . com . My publisher discontinued use of other sites as well as Barnes and Noble as the sales were just not promising enough . Most everyone uses amazon now for ordering - it 's easy and they have a bigger selection . So … check the books out at www . amazon . com and get a cheap but fun read for your kindle Share this : ShareFacebookTwitterGoogle + 1Email Posted in General Blogs | Leave a reply Rachel Connors loved her life , and her job as a manager at a ski resort in Aspen Colorado , but after learning she was ill , she decided to take a long needed vacation to her parent 's home . This was when she met Kyle Landers , who in her absence had moved into her parent 's lives , and before he 'd even met Rachel , Kyle had decided not to like her . Kyle had been alone in the world when Rachel 's parents had taken him in ; and he couldn 't understand why their ungrateful daughter had chosen to distance herself from them . Rachel and Kyle grew closer , and she knew she was falling for him . Everything changed when Rachel was scheduled to meet Kyle , but a call from her doctor summoned her back to Aspen , telling her parents there was a problem at work . When Kyle hears of this , he boards a plane to find her , learning the truth of her condition . Their love blossomed but it was to be short lived when on their flight back to the ranch the plane crashed . Despite an extensive search , Kyle was never found , and Rachel was forced to go on without him . Four years had passed , and Rachel 's relationship with Marcus , her new boyfriend , was moving to a different level , but at the same time , the thought dead Kyle had come out of his coma ; his mind lost in the events four years earlier . After Rachel accepted Marcus ' proposal , Kyle returns , leaving Rachel with a dilemma . For four years Marcus had been by her side , but now Kyle was back , wanting her just as much as he had the day of the crash . She needed to get away to make her decision , so she left for Aspen , only Kyle followed her to try to convince her that they belonged together . The snow was coming down hard , quickly blanketing the ground as it fell . Rachel Connors sat on her window sill , watching it fall . The tears rolled down her face , as the thought of going back home haunted her . She hadn 't seen her parents in five years , and wasn 't completely positive she was making the right decision in going back now . She needed to be near family now more than ever . Rachel decided to keep her medical problems to herself . There was no sense in making her parents worry about her . She would tell them nothing . The sound of the cab 's horn jarred her out of her thoughts . She wiped the tears away and grabbed her bags . She would be staying with her parents until after the holidays . The doctors didn 't need to see her until the new year . How am I supposed to forget everything and enjoy a vacation at a time like this ? Rachel sat in the back seat of the cab as it headed to the airport . It would be a long plane ride from Colorado to her parents ' ranch in Tennessee , an hour and a half outside of Nashville . It was always beautiful there . They always teased her growing up about being a singer , but she never had any interest in singing . She always wanted to be a talent agent . She wanted to be the one who found the talent , which was exactly what she did . She was very successful at it , until she received a job offer to manage a friend 's ski resort in Aspen . It was a great escape from the harsh realities of the past , and she grew to love her new life . Rachel took a long nap on the plane . She had been under a lot of stress lately . It seemed like only minutes after her head hit the pillow that she heard the flight attendant say they were landing . She looked around and saw that they were coming onto the runway . She rubbed her eyes and stretched her arms before standing up . Kyle Landers waited for her in the terminal , holding up a sign for a woman he had never met . How do I get myself into situations like this ? he thought as he started to pace back and forth . He couldn 't tell Sue and Tom that he wouldn 't go pick up their daughter for them even though he knew he wouldn 't like her . He couldn 't understand how she could stay gone as many years as she did knowing her parent 's missed her . Kyle would do anything for Sue and Tom . They took him in four years ago when he didn 't have anywhere else to go . He had no family and them gave him a job on the ranch . He looked back and forth for Rachel . He had seen many pictures of her over the years . Kyle decided he didn 't want to give some stuck up , too good to come home to her family , uptight woman a ride . He dropped the sign into the trash can and walked out . He would tell Sue and Tom the flight must have been delayed . He felt a little bad lying to them , but he knew that their daughter could use a good lesson on how you treat people . As she entered the terminal , Rachael looked for her ride . Her parents told her a man named Kyle would be picking her up . Not seeing him , she thought he might be outside , or in the luggage area . As she left , she saw a large cardboard sign lying in the trash can with her name on it . Where was he ? Why didn 't he wait ? The plane was right on time . She collected her luggage and walked out of the building , hopeful of catching a cab . Rachel walked up and down on the sidewalk trying to hail someone , with no luck . All the cabs were busy and she wanted to go home . She grabbed her bag and started to walk . Surely somebody would give her a ride within an hour and a half 's distance , she thought . As she looked around for prospects , she saw a young man getting ready to get into his truck . " Excuse me , sir . My name is Rachel Connors . Can you please give me a ride to my family 's ranch ? I 'll pay for the gas and if you can 't take me all the way there , I would be happy with anywhere close . My ride didn 't show up to pick me up and I can 't seem to get a cab . " Kyle shot her a look that let her know he wasn 't in the mood to talk . He couldn 't believe his luck . Of all the people wanting a ride it had to be the one person he wanted to leave at the airport . " Let 's go . I have a lot of work to get done back at the ranch . " She jumped up into his truck not saying a word . Rachel felt a little uncomfortable being with him . Once she buckled in , she looked over at him . " Excuse me , but you haven 't even told me your name . " " Have I done something to offend you ? I don 't even know you , but you seem to dislike me for some reason . " She said , as she played with her hands nervously . " Wait a minute . Are you Kyle Landers ? The same Kyle Landers that works for my father ? Why were you going to leave me here at the airport ? I wasn 't late . " Kyle really didn 't want to get into it with her right then , but it was going to be an hour and half ride back to the ranch . He knew he would have to talk to her at some point in time . " Why don 't we stop to eat ? I haven 't had lunch yet . " They drove for another thirty minutes in silence before turning into the parking lot of a small restaurant . Rachel had eaten at there before and remembered them having good food although she hadn 't been eating much of anything lately . She hoped the trip back home would take her mind off her problems , but not bring up bad memories in the process . They found a table in the back away from everyone . Kyle sat down and picked up a menu without speaking . When the waitress walked by he waved her over to him . " I 'll take a cheeseburger , fries and a coke please . " Rachel saw the waitress look over at her . " I 'll take the same . Thanks . " She looked over at Kyle . " How long have you worked for my father ? " " That 's great . My father really needed help after Bobby . . . . Well , never mind . I 'm glad my father has you . " She took a sip of her soda trying to hold back the tears as she thought about her brother . Kyle looked surprised to hear that Tom had somebody else work for him . He hadn 't ever heard them talk about anyone else . " Who 's Bobby ? I 've never heard the name before . " Rachel looked surprised by the question . " Oh , well . . . Bobby was my brother . You would have liked him . He died six years ago in a car accident . " The food came and they ate in silence . When they were finished , they started back to the ranch . Neither of them spoke . Rachel couldn 't help but wonder why Kyle seemed to dislike her so much . How could he make a judgment so fast without even knowing her ? She sat there staring out the window thinking about when she was younger . She remembered how her and Bobby would go on long walks exploring the entire ranch or taking the horses out across the range . He would run the horse like he was in a race that he had to win . She could remember staying back , watching him go . He feared nothing and embraced life to the fullest . Rachel could feel the tears starting again . She hadn 't been home in so long that she had buried the memories deep down . She always thought about Bobby during the holidays , but more so this year . Bobby would have handled the news from the doctors better than she did . Rachel wiped a tear from her eyes . Kyle glanced over at the saddest person he had ever seen . He was beginning to think maybe he misjudged her . Could she have good reasons for not coming around ? Did it have something to do with Bobby ? He knew that he didn 't know anything about her , but the same time he knew that he wanted to . " Is everything all right ? " he asked . Kyle could tell that she didn 't really want to talk about it and he wasn 't sure that he did either . " It 's not much further , " he said as he wished he could take the words back . Of course she knew it wasn 't much further . She grew up there . He always got flustered when he got nervous . He stared at the road , trying to focus on his driving . Rachel could see her parents ' house coming into view as she got more excited . She couldn 't wait to see her mom and dad . It had been a long time . They had visited her two years ago in Colorado , but she just couldn 't bear to come back home after Bobby died . She 'd stuck around home for about a year after his death and then she had to get out of there . He was not only her brother but also her best friend . She didn 't know how to live without him . She knew that learning how to was one way she could remember him . The truck stopped and Rachel jumped out as fast as she could . She saw her mother standing on the porch with a smile on her face . Rachel ran to her and threw her arms around her . " I missed you , " she said to her mom . They talked for hours , sitting in the living room around the fireplace . Her mother had made hot chocolate and apple spiced cake . Her mother always made the best cakes in the world . At least that was what Rachel always thought . She loved being home again and hated to think about leaving . She decided to go take a nice long , hot bubble bath before going to bed . She needed it after all the stress she had been under lately . She planned to get up bright and early to go riding on the ranch . It had been too long time since she 'd had the chance . " Yes . It 's been a while . I can 't wait . Would you like to go with me ? " she asked , then blushed . The words came out of her mouth without thinking . Rachel went over to one of the stalls and started brushing a midnight black horse . Its coat was shiny and smooth . " This is my horse , buttercup . I haven 't ridden her in a while . I 'll get her ready for me to ride . If you don 't mind ? " " No . Go ahead . I 'll saddle up Ranger for me . " He walked over to the brown horse in the last stall and started getting the horse ready . Ten minutes later , they headed off across the land . Rachel loved the feel of the wind hitting her in the face as she galloped across the fields . Thoughts of her and Bobby racing their horses flooded her mind . She pulled up at a creek to let her horse have some water and a rest . Once dismounted , she looked back to see if Kyle was still there . He was coming up behind her at a slower pace . She walked over and sat down on a big rock and watched her horse drink from the creek . Glancing up at Kyle she said . " It 's okay though . I get paid good money to do what I do . " " Money isn 't everything though . You need family too . " He still wasn 't sure why she moved away , but he was starting to think she had reasons , and maybe he was wrong to misjudge her the way he did . He could tell that she loved her family . Why did she leave ? He wanted to know , but didn 't want to come right out and ask . Rachel sighed . " I know , and I do miss my family . It was really hard on me after Bobby died . I stuck around for about a year afterwards , but then I had to get out of here . Now I don 't know what has been keeping me away . I wish more than ever that I lived here near my parents . " She looked away with a tear in her eye . She didn 't want to cry in front of him , and she didn 't want this complete stranger to know anything about her medical problems . Kyle didn 't know what she meant by that , but he could see a sadness in her eyes . He stood there staring at the most beautiful woman he had ever seen . She was about five foot , five inches tall with long brown hair . She couldn 't be more than a size six . He couldn 't believe that he was looking at her that way . It was only a day ago that he had decided that he didn 't like her . Things were changing for him too . He looked over at her . " I guess you and your brother were close ? " Rachel smiled as the thoughts of Bobby came back to her . " Yes , we were like best friends . We did everything together . It was really hard for me when he died . We had spent the whole day together that day at a baseball game in Nashville . That night Bobby wanted me to go to the store for him and get him some ice cream , but I was tired and said I didn 't want to . He left to go get it himself , and on his way home he was hit by a drunk driver . I can 't help but blame myself . If I had gone to the store , then maybe he would still be here with us . It 's my fault he 's dead . " Rachel couldn 't stop the tears from falling . They were coming down like rainfall . Kyle went over to her and took her into his arms . " It 's not your fault , Rachel . You can 't blame yourself . Is that why you have stayed away so long ? If it is , then I think you need to come home to your family . " Rachel wiped the tears away and walked back to her horse . " You don 't understand . I can 't leave Aspen right now . I have to be there . I wish I could , but I can 't . " She walked over and got up on her horse , riding away without looking back . When she returned to the stables , she removed the saddle and brushed her horse down , thinking about how great it would be if she could move back to the ranch now . But no - she needed to hear from the doctors first . Rachel was snapped out of her thoughts by the sound of Kyle walking in with his horse . " How about you let me take you out tomorrow night for dinner to make up for it ? " Kyle had no idea where that came from . He was usually a little on the shy side with women . She looked at him with a little surprise in her eyes . " I would love to go out with you tomorrow night , but I can 't . Mom and Dad are going out of town to the cattle sales , and I promised that I would get some baking done for Thanksgiving for her . You 're welcome to come over and let me cook you something if you would like . We can watch a movie while the cakes are baking . " Rachel couldn 't believe she had made a date with him . She barely knew him , but she couldn 't help but think how great looking he was . He was six foot tall with sandy blond hair and a great complexion . She could tell that he worked long , hard hours out in the sun - he was well muscled and tan . She walked in the house and saw her mom over by the stove cooking . She went over to her and gave her a hug . " Something smells good . " " I 'm cooking dinner for Kyle while you 're gone . He asked me out and I told him I had to do the baking for you , but that I would cook him dinner . He said yes . " She seemed to be talking a mile a minute . Sue hadn 't seen her daughter look that excited about anything in a very long time . " I 'm glad honey , but I would be careful not to lead him on . You 're still leaving at the end of December aren 't you ? " " Yes , Mom . We won 't get serious . It 's just one date . " Rachel tried to make herself believe it more than her mother . She went over to the cabinet to get the dishes down to set the table . Then she went to get her father for dinner . They all sat down at the table together to eat . Rachel made small talk with her dad about the ranch and the horses . " How 's it going around here lately ? " Tom looked over at his daughter . " Well , I could sure use a good manager to run this ranch . Do you know anyone that can run a whole business , like maybe a huge resort , that might be interested in the job ? " Rachel had no idea that her dad wanted her to run the ranch with him . " Dad , I can 't believe you are asking me this . I would love to , but I can 't right now . I have some stuff that I have to take care of back in Aspen . Hopefully I can get that all taken care of in a few months and then I would love to move back here . " Sue 's face could have lit up the whole room . Happy didn 't come close to the way she felt at that very moment . She would do anything to have her daughter back home . " What do you have to take care of ? " Rachel nearly choked on her iced tea . " What ? Oh , I just need to give a notice at work . Help train somebody . That could take a few months . Then pack everything that I own and move it here . It might take me some time to get things in order , but I will work on it as quickly as I can . " After they all finished eating , Rachel went to take a long hot bubble bath . She filled the tub to the top , and then sank down in the steaming hot water . She felt so relaxed for a few minutes . She laid there in the tub , and before she realized what she was doing , her hand reached up and fell on her breast . She couldn 't help but touch it , but when she did the tears came flooding from her eyes . The doctors had found the lump in a routine exam . They told her that it may be nothing but they would have to run some blood tests and CT scans . If that didn 't give them the results that they wanted then she would have to have a biopsy . Rachel laid there in the bathtub crying until her water went cold on her . She didn 't know how long she had been in there but she knew she didn 't want to get out . After what seemed like hours , Rachel got out and dried off . She stood there looking at herself in the mirror for a few minutes . How could somebody as healthy as she had always been be sick now ? It didn 't make sense , and it didn 't seem fair . Was she being punished for something ? That was all that she ever thought to herself . She got dressed and crawled into bed . Maybe thinking about spending time with Kyle would help take her mind off other things . Rachel woke up to the smell of bacon cooking . She had truly missed being with her family . She usually grabbed something quick and easy for breakfast . It had been a while since she had a nice home cooked meal like the one she smelled downstairs . She threw her robe on and headed down the stairs . When she made it to the bottom , she saw Kyle sitting at the table . She turned around and ran back up the stairs as fast as she could . She couldn 't let him see her like that . She had to make herself beautiful . She ran over to the dresser and started combing her hair and putting some make - up on . She grabbed a red t - shirt and some blue jeans . When she finished getting dressed , she walked into the kitchen to find only her mother there . Her father and Kyle had already left to get started on the ranch work . " Yes , you did . Your father and Kyle already went out to the back field to gather the cattle for tonight 's sale . They will be gone for most of the day . I 'm sorry that you missed them , " her mother told her . " It 's no big deal . I was just wondering . " Rachel said as she acted like she wasn 't really interested . " I think I 'll go into town today and do some sightseeing . It 's been a while since I 've been home . " " That sounds like a great idea , dear . " Sue was glad to see her daughter thinking of it more like home . She had wanted her to move back for many years now . Rachel spent the whole day in town going from store to store looking around . She went into the music store and spent hours in there . She remembered going there with Bobby many times . It had a new owner now , but everything looked the same . Rachel picked up a couple of CDs to buy . After she left the music store she went into a small general store . The first thing that grabbed her attention was a pink ribbon pin for sale for one dollar to help promote breast cancer awareness . It seemed like she noticed more things like that now then she ever had . Rachel walked past the pin without picking it up . She didn 't need any reminders telling her that she might have cancer . It was scary enough thinking about it on her own and knowing that she was going through it alone . Rachel couldn 't tell her parents they could lose the only child they had left . She spent the rest of the day in town and then headed back home . She wanted to say goodbye to her parents before they left for their three day trip . They had asked her if she wanted to go with them , but she didn 't want to leave the ranch . It had been too long since she had been back there . Rachel didn 't want to think about leaving . She only had six weeks before she had to go back home for her doctor visit . That 's when she would get the results to the CT scan and blood work . She didn 't understand why the doctors couldn 't get the results before the holidays , but they said the lab was overloaded with work and they were way behind . She didn 't like it , but she understood . She pulled into the driveway and saw the cattle trailer hooked up to the back of her father 's truck . She had made it just in time to say goodbye before they left . Rachel walked in and found her mother in the kitchen making notes . " What are you doing mom ? " " I 'm making you a list of pies , cakes , and breads that I would like you to make for me while I 'm gone . I 'll be delivering them to the church when I get back . They are making baskets for needy families . " Sue told her as she handed her the list . " Wow , Mom . You have enough stuff on this list to feed the whole state . I 'll be busy all night and tomorrow too . " Rachel pretended to be angry , but the whole time she loved every minute of it . She hadn 't done any baking in years . She used to love making things with her mom . It was going to be fun being in the kitchen all weekend . She walked over and gave her mom a hug . " I love you . Have a good trip . " Rachel went back into the kitchen to try to figure out what she wanted to fix for dinner that night . She wanted it to be perfect for Kyle . She put some chicken breasts in the oven to cook . Then she peeled some potatoes to make mashed potatoes . She sliced one of her mom 's fresh loaves of bread and put some butter on the table . Rachel had everything almost finished when she heard Kyle pull in . She ran upstairs to spritz on her favorite perfume before he walked in . After double - checking her hair in the mirror , she hurried downstairs to the kitchen . Posted on August 11 , 2013 by Jessica Reply It 's been almost two years since Arwenna banished the Demon Corse from her world . Life has been good . Idyllic , almost . Hours later , Senyan woke up . The form Corse had chosen lay sleeping naked next to him . He could feel the magic to return him to the world above building . Those who were seeking his soul were close . The need to answer the call bordered unbearable . It would not be long now . He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath as he gave into the request . Grasping onto the edge of the bed , Senyan gave his mind time to adjust to the return . It was not an easy thing to endure . Though he no longer possessed a heart or lungs , his body screamed with pain as the magic sustaining his life flared through his veins . " It took you long enough . There is much to be done . More than would have been necessary if you 'd done the rite earlier . " Senyan 's voice cracked like a whip as he gave his orders . Within moments , two of the priests scurried off to do his bidding . Born in the late 60 ′ s , KateMarie has lived most of her life in the Pacific NW . While she 's always been creative , she didn 't turn towards writing until 2008 . She found a love for the craft . With the encouragement of her husband and two daughters , she started submitting her work to publishers . When she 's not taking care of her family , KateMarie enjoys attending events for the Society for Creative Anachronism . The SCA has allowed her to combine both a creative nature and love of history . She currently resides with her family and three cats in what she likes to refer to as " Seattle Suburbia " . For those of you familiar with astrology , it is known that the planet Saturn returns to the exact spot in the Universe where it was when you were born - in precisely 29 . 5 years . This " return " may become blatantly apparent in the late twenties to early thirties , as individuals are faced with the inevitable world of adulthood . This can be a time filled with chaos , change , and letting go of old beliefs and ways . As it was with me . At exactly the age of 29 . 5 I began to write down ideas for the novel that would eventually be known as LUCIDITY . I would spend the summer before I turned 30 finishing the first draft . Now , whether or not I was dealing with my Saturn Return may be up for debate , but I think there was something rather cosmic about the process . Our Saturn Return allows us to clean out our closets and start fresh . It gives us the opportunity to embrace the emotional and spiritual turmoil we may have suppressed for 29 . 5 years and create something new . It is a chance to take what we 've learned , process it , deny it , and then come to terms with the life that is ours … not anyone else 's . Through the process of writing my first novel , I learned a great deal about myself … what I wanted out of life , what I knew was best for myself and what pathway I wanted to take . That meant letting go of things that weren 't good for my soul . And through the fire of my Saturn Return , I found a colorful new world awaiting me … one that allowed me to escape through my favorite passion - writing . It took me about five years to perfect LUCIDITY before sending it in to prospective publishers , but the seed that it sprouted from began with the return of Saturn . And interestingly enough , my protagonist , Raya , in LUCIDITY , was also facing a Saturn Return ( although I didn 't realize this at the time I was writing ) . Likewise , for those readers out there at , or soon approaching , the ages of 57 - 60 , your second return of Saturn may allow for similar experiences as it becomes evident that no matter what age we are , we should never compromise being the sole authority in our life . It 's okay to take a chance . You never know … you may just find a hidden passion . LUCIDITY by Angela Burke Raya Walden doesn 't believe in ghosts … just the thought sends shivers up her spine . But as she falls in love with Jack Castille during a summer job at the rustic Hideaway Lodge , a resort nestled in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado , Raya discovers she has an undisclosed paranormal talent . A talent that she doesn 't want . Yet it is this gift that will ultimately save her life … Angela Burke is the author of LUCIDITY and BENEATH the MAYAN MOON . She lives in Boulder , Colorado and enjoys running , skiing and taking long hikes in the mountains . A former teacher , she now spends her time building her massage therapy practice , while chasing after her three great kids and daydreaming up new story ideas . When DANNI MONTGOMERY - a survivor of a rebel raid on an African village fifteen years earlier - had been rescued from the grips of OBASANJI , the rebel leader of that army , she 'd thought she 'd lost her soul forever . Now , a new fear lurks within the confines of her world . Danni receives a cryptic letter written by her uncle ROLAND DUPRE , her only living relative , who has mysteriously disappeared somewhere deep within the African Congo . Now , Danni is leading a team of mercenaries of her own , led by the charming and all - too - perfect KAYDEN MOREAU , on a journey into the harsh , remote corners of the Congo . A journey where Danni makes a phenomenal discovery of her own . While searching for her uncle and his remarkable find , Danni comes face to face with the demon of her nightmares , and learns he is the only one who can help find her uncle and save her country . Consumed by hatred , Danni must make a choice : in order to secure the safety of her uncle and the fate of the United States , she must decide if she will forgive the man who murdered her mother and changed her life forever , or will her desire for revenge prove stronger than she can bear … A little about me : I can tell you what I like to do : spending time with my daughter and grandkids tops the list . I love photography and spend many hours in the Everglades snapping wildlife and scenery . I have a pet photography business , and get some of my greatest joy from animals and the flowers in my garden . My interests are eclectic from baby - anythings ( who doesn 't love a baby something - puppy , kitty , baby - baby , elephant , etc ) to political issues . In fact , one issue in particular is the cause of my book The Consequential Element . I love wine and chocolate ( big surprise there , huh ? ) , and I love tea kettles . I 'll whisper this because I don 't want to offend anyone , but another interest of mine is guns . I like them . I used to be a private investigator and had to carry , therefore I had to know how to shoot . Spending time at the firing range became my way of relaxing - my meditation , if you will . I 've been writing for many years , but only over the past two years have I decided to work toward publishing something . Why did I begin writing ? To remove the darkness from my soul . I 'm not trying to sound poetic ; it 's just the way it was back then . The Consequential Element is the story of a young woman by the name of Danielle Montgomery who must make a decision . Settle the rage and hatred that encase her heart by exacting the revenge she 's dreamed of for the past fifteen years , or forgive that which has caused her pain and agony , and robbed her of a normal life . Her uncle disappears deep within the Congo jungle - a place she knows all too well - after a remarkable discovery . She must return to save him , but in doing so she will come face to face with the demon of her dreams . Obasanji ; the rebel soldier who murdered her mother and stole Danielle 's soul so many years ago . The handsome Kayden Moreau , a former Special Ops soldier turned mercenary , has been hired to protect her . Only Danielle doesn 't want his protection and fights him every step of the way . Will Danielle learn the secret to free her heart from its black tomb and discover love and happiness , or has her years of hatred doomed her soul forever ? I was inspired to write this story after coming across an article about China and rare earth elements . Did you know that China holds 97 % of the market on REEs ? And that they supply the U . S . with our requirements ? Or that they have been slowly decreasing the amounts of REEs that they import to the U . S . , thus decreasing our military 's capabilities to operate at 100 % efficiency ? Many people are not aware . I decided to write a book around this issue to bring it to light , but placed this non - fiction in the center of a fast , action - packed , thriller of fiction . The overall response thus far from my readers has been that many of them have gone on to research the issue and have become more the wiser for it . What can we do about it ? Know about it . Be aware . Ah , the title . The Consequential Element . What exactly is the element the book speaks of ? There is the tangible element - Promethium - that is discovered , but there is also another element hidden in the pages of Yes , some of the experiences in this book are based on people I know , events , and my life . Danielle 's inner struggles are similar to my own . We both had to learn a vital lesson of life , and we 've both had to learn to remove our armor from life in order to let people in . I have been influenced by many authors . Authors of children 's books , horror , thrillers , adventures , and everything in between . Some that stand out most in impacting my life are Edgar Allen Poe , Stephen King , Michael Crichton , Ernest Hemingway , Lisa Gardner , Patricia Cornwell , Charles Dickens , and Ray Bradbury . If I had to choose a writer to be my mentor I would choose Stephen King . It isn 't because of his genre , it 's because , in my opinion , he has such a great grasp on making me see and feel his stories . His characters live in my mind long after I read one of his books . His stories appear real no matter how farfetched they are . I want to be able to make my readers feel the same way . My only advice for other writers is not to give up on your dreams . If your dream is to write , do it . But if you 're going to do it , do it to the best of your ability . Learn the craft and become a professional . Don 't put anything out there in the world with your brand on it unless it reflects you in the best possible light . If you choose to indie publish , treat it like you would through a traditional process . Have your work copyedited , proofread , and fine - tuned to the best it can be . Be an author , not just a writer . Only then will your dream come true . Dee Ann Waite was born in Fall River , Massachusetts and grew up in a small town named Somerset ; a town she relates to Stephen King 's Derry , Maine . A town where the people are pleasant , the landscape well maintained , and dark secrets are kept . She currently resides along the central east coast of Florida . She released her debut novel THE CONSEQUENTIAL ELEMENT in June , and is slotted to release her second novel MISTS OF BAYOU RHYNE in November , 2013 . When she 's not writing , she enjoys spending time with her daughter and grandchildren , horseback riding , and nature . She owns a pet photography business and branches out her love for photography by visiting the Everglades and swamps in search of alligators and exotic birds . When at home , she cherishes a chilled glass of wine while sitting in her garden with her dog Dodger .

The boy walked as slowly as he could ; he was going to be late anyway . His badly scuffed trainers kicked an empty beer can along the wet pavement . As he emerged from the narrow path between two tall blocks of flats onto the High Street the clouds parted and the sun shone on his pale thin face . Instead of waiting at the stop for the bus that would take him to school , he turned towards the Common . He walked past the fenced off children 's playground and almost failed to notice the man sprawled on the bench , lying absolutely still . Old drunk , he thought , then with surprise noticed the smart new black leather shoes . The man 's dark overcoat was of a better quality and much cleaner than the usual clothing worn by the men he saw sleeping on park benches . He approached silently , warily , weighing up the chance that he would be able to remove those desirable new shoes without waking the drunk . Then he saw the hole in the smooth fabric of the coat and he knew the man would never wake again . He knew what to do ; only last week he 'd seen something like this happen on the telly . Feeling important , he went to the nearest phone box and dialled 999 . " There 's a dead man , " he said , trying to sound older , trying to disguise his voice , " he 's in the kid 's playground on Clapham Common . I think he 's been shot . " Before questions could be asked , he put the phone down and headed for the bus stop . He would feel safer in school . That evening he watched the local news with carefully hidden excitement as the newsreader described how an anonymous tip - off had led police to the discovery of the body of local businessman Simon Gower . He had been found shot dead on Clapham Common . Forensic examination of the bullet had determined that the murder weapon was a small pistol , a Beretta 86 , but a search of the Common had failed to find the gun . Not far from the council flat where the boy lived in Clapham was a more spacious and desirable flat on Brixton Hill . Here , a young woman named Lisa was watching the same local news program . Her feelings were very diThey seemed to accept her without question as Julie 's friend and soon she relaxed and stopped feeling like an outsider . They ignored her presence as they made the occasional deal for small amounts of cannabis . She told them how Peter had warned her against going out at night and they laughed , but later a tall black man who she knew only as Smiles spoke to her quietly . " If you don 't feel safe at night , I 've got something that could help you . I 'll even sell it to you cheap , because I like you . " " What do you mean ? " she asked . She knew he was one of the drug dealers and had already decided to refuse politely if offered anything . " You need to buy a gun and I 've got one to sell . It 's yours for two hundred pounds . " " No problem , that 's easy . It 's loaded and ready , you just point it and pull the trigger . You 've seen it done in the movies , right ? I 'll tell you what , I don 't want to see you get hurt , I 'll bring the price down to a hundred and fifty . " " I don 't think I really need a gun ! " " Well , there 's some bad people out there , I 'd hate to see what they could do to a pretty girl like you , that 's why I 'm giving you a good price . Think about it . I 'll give you a day to make up your mind . Come and find me tomorrow , early evening . I 'll be at my place in Pacific Lane , there 's some steps down to a blue door . Bring the money with you . Remember , I can 't afford to hang on to it for long , so if I don 't see you tomorrow I 'll have to offer it to someone else . " When she left the pub at closing time , Lisa decided to wait at the bus stop near Brixton tube station . In the daytime she would have walked , it would take only fifteen minutes and though it was uphill she was fit and used to walking . But remembering Peter 's warning she felt safer at the crowded bus stop , surrounded by people . When she got off the bus she hurried round the corner to her flat . She wondered what she would do if a man followed her off the bus . It was with relief that she switched on the light in the hallway and turned the key in the Chubb lock . The next day as she drank her morning tea she searched Peter 's A to Z for Pacific Lane , SW9 . It seemed a small road to be named after such a large ocean . She went to the bank in her lunch hour and withdrew a hundred and fifty pounds . She didn 't put it in her purse but into a small pocket inside the large leather shoulder bag she took everywhere . She was ready to buy a gun . After work she walked to Brixton , down Clapham Park Road and Acre Lane , holding tightly to her bag . She was not used to having that much cash . She found Pacific Lane easily , it led from Atlantic Road down to the railway arches . All the houses were the same , tall and narrow , semi - detached , rubbish bins lining the narrow passages between them . Three wide steps led up to the front door and behind a railing a few narrow steps led down to the door of the basement . She could tell from the number of bells by the front doors that most of the houses had been converted into flats . She walked down the road slowly , searching for the blue door . Most of the basement doors were white , a few were black or brown . None of them was newly painted . A train rattled high above the road . At last she found it , a door with peeling paint , bright blue . It was the last house in the road , wedged close against the railway . At her knock , the door was opened by a man she didn 't recognise . " Is Smiles here ? " she asked , hoping she hadn 't got the wrong house . But the man said " Yes , he 's here " and stood aside to let her in , shutting the door after her . He showed her to a room where Smiles sat at a table , rolling a joint . " Lisa ! " he said , " I thought you 'd come and find me . I 've got what you need . Harry , leave us for a minute , man . I 've got business with this lady . " But the man didn 't seem to want to leave . Instead , he pulled out a chair and sat down at the table . Lisa , feeling awkward at being the only one standing , did the same . " What about my stuff , then , Smiles ? You said you 'd have it for me today . " " Come on , man , I told you ! I 've got this big job coming up , I 'm getting well paid ! Won 't be more than a week , I swear it . " " So in a week , you come to see me , I 'll have the stuff for you . Right now I need to get down to business with this girl . You got the money for me , darling ? " Smiles got up and shut the door behind Harry . Then from the pocket of his coat he took out the gun and put it on the table between them . " This is a Beretta 86 , " he said , " the perfect self defence pistol . It 's loaded , ready to fire . " The gun was made of blue - grey metal , with grip panels of dark wood . It was small enough to fit easily into her bag . " This is the safety catch , " Smiles said , showing her a small lever , " when this is up , the safety is on . To load it , you do this . " Smiles flipped the barrel up and removed the magazine , then showed her how to fit it back in . Lisa took the money from her bag and put it on the table . Her heartbeat speeded up as she reached for the weapon . The steel felt cold in her hand . She put it into her bag . " Thanks , Smiles , " she said as she stood up , " I 'll feel a lot safer now . I just hope I 'll never need to use it . " As she climbed the steps to the street Lisa realised that darkness had fallen while she was in the basement flat . She walked towards Atlantic road , feeling strong and confident and free now she had the means to protect herself . As she walked up Brixton Hill she laughed at herself for ever being afraid . I was worrying about nothing , she thought , it 's not as if I 've had any trouble at night . She turned into a side street and heard running footsteps behind her . Even then she was not afraid . She started to turn round , but it was too late . She felt strong hands tugging at the strap of her bag , then the snap as the strap broke . The man ran on ahead of her as for a moment she stood frozen with shock . He was a tall man wearing a dark jacket with the hood up , she had not seen his face . She started to run after him , shouting " Stop ! My bag ! " She thought , this can 't really be happening , not to me , I 'm going to wake up any minute and it will all be a bad dream . He ran round the corner and she chased after him , and almost fell over her bag which he had dropped on the pavement . It was open and half the stuff in it had spilled out . It took her a few minutes to collect everything with shaking hands and put it back in the bag . Her purse was there , with a small amount of change in it , a twenty pound note which should have been there was gone . Her mobile was there , her keys , the case with her credit and debit cards , all were there . She searched desperately through the make up items and scraps of paper that remained in the bag . It was no good . The gun was gone . And now , two days later , she was staring at the TV as the newsreader described a murder weapon , and there on the screen was a picture of a gun , a Beretta 86 , that looked very much like the one she had owned for so short a time . From their analysis of the bullet , this was the type of gun the police had been hoping to find when they searched the common . It was a good thing , she thought , that she hadn 't known this in the morning when the police were at the office asking questionsHarry couldn 't breathe . He 'd managed to live with himself for a year by putting the details of the accident out of his mind with drink and drugs . He had been seen ! He should have known he wouldn 't get away with it . " There 's something you could do for me , Harry , " the voice went on , " and if you do it , then in return , I won 't tell the police about what I saw . " Memories came crowding back into his mind . Driving fast down the road , knowing he was drunk but not caring , then suddenly a glimpse of the child running and a jolt as the car hit her and flung her into the air . A picture flashed before his eyes , the child 's body crushed and bleeding on the road , her neck bent in such a way that he knew it must be broken . He had not doubted for a moment that she was dead . " What do you want ? " Harry whispered . His throat felt sore . " What I 'm asking you to do is nothing like as bad as killing a sweet little girl . There 's a man , a cruel , evil man who I want out of the way . I 'm not a killer so I can 't do it myself . But you 've already killed once , I know . I 'm asking you to kill a man . " He told Harry the name of the man he wanted dead . Harry had met him once and remembered him well . He knew where to find him . The murder of Simon Gower had completely stopped work at Ambience plc . The police had been there of course and questioned everyone in the office . Now , two days after the body was found , they had gone but nobody felt able to get on with work as if nothing had happened . People wandered about aimlessly , restlessly , indulging in coffee and gossip . Lisa found out more about the people she worked with in one day than she had in all the time she 'd been there . The source of most of her information was Claudia the receptionist , who had a lively interest in other people 's business , particularly their love affairs . " Why would someone want to kill Simon ? " Lisa asked her . " I don 't know at all ! He wasn 't a bad boss , I mean , some people thought he expected too much , but he was fair , he worked very hard himself . He used to come in early and finish late , sometimes he was here quite late in the evening . It was probably a gang that tried to mug him and he tried to fight back . I guess it was just bad luck that it was him . " " Then why did the police come here and ask all those questions ? It was as if they thought someone here could have done it . " Lisa knew that if they ever discovered she had bought the gun , she 'd be answering a lot of questions herself . The police hadn 't spent much time on her after they found out she 'd only been in the job for two months . Luckily they hadn 't bothered to take her fingerprints . " Oh , I don 't think they could have really thought that ! I mean , there 'll be changes here now Simon 's not running things , some of us might even lose our jobs ! David will be taking over for a while , he 'll be acting chairman till the directors appoint someone . If he does well they might even keep him as chairman ! At least that 's what I hear . Your friend Julie will be pleased , she was seeing him for a while after she got divorced . " " Yes , of course he is , but Julie was so low at the time , coping with her marriage breaking up , I suppose he made her feel better . I don 't suppose his wife ever knew , it didn 't last very long . It happens a lot , you know , women in offices having affairs with the Boss . I think Cicely 's been seeing someone at work , but I 'm not sure who . I 'm starting to think it might have been Simon ! Just in the last few days , she 's not been her usual self . She 's usually so calm and now she seems to snap at me every time I speak to her ! " Lisa was relieved that Peter had agreed to be completely open with everyone at work about their relationship . There was no keeping secrets from Claudia . She went in to Julie 's room and saw that she was on the phone . " Look , you can 't keep calling me at work , " Julie was saying , " I 'll try and make it to your place in the next few days . Meanwhile , you 'll just have to manage without me . I mean , it 's not like we 're still married . " For a moment she listened to the caller 's reply . " Yes , I will , sometime this week , I 'll call you . See you then . " She put the phone down and turned to Lisa . " That was my ex - husband . He doesn 't seem to realise we 're not married any more and I don 't have to go running to him every time he calls . " So that meant another night in for Lisa with nothing better to do than to watch the News , hoping the Police had not managed to find the missing murder weapon . But the next evening , as planned , she went to the pub with Julie . It was very quiet in the pub , for some reason hardly anyone was out . None of Julie 's usual friends were there . They had finished the first drink and were deciding whether to have another one there or go somewhere else when Julie 's phone rang . She looked at the caller 's name on her phone screen . " My ex - husband ! " she said to Lisa before answering the call . " Hi , Harry , " she said , " what is it this time ? " She listened for a few minutes , then she said " No , you mustn 't do that ! I 'm coming over now . At least wait till I get there ! Harry , I 'll see you soon . " " I 'm sorry , Lisa , I 'd better go . He says he 's going to kill himself . I don 't believe for a moment he really will , it 's a cry for help , that 's all . It 's not far from here , it shouldn 't take long . Tell you what , could you come with me ? I hate being alone with him when he 's been drinking , he scares me sometimes . Please ? " " Of course I do ! You have no idea what he can be like . We might find that by the time we get there he 's feeling better . Then we can go back to the pub . " It took them about ten minutes to walk to the run - down old building where Harry lived . Julie rang Harry 's bell but he did not come to the door . " The flat 's on the third floor , " Julie said , " it might take him a minute or two to come down . " So they waited a few minutes and tried the bell again . There was no answer . Lisa started to wonder if Harry might have decided not to wait for them and gone out . Then Julie said , " I 've still got my key . Maybe we should just go up . " Julie opened the door with her key and they started to climb the stairs . Lisa could see that her friend was starting to look very worried . They reached the top floor flat and Julie let herself in with her key . They walked through a small hallway into the living room . There they saw Harry . He was lying on the sofa as if he had fallen there . A pool of blood was soaking into the cushion under his head . On the floor by his feet was a gun . In spite of the damage the bullet had done to his face , Lisa recognised him with horror as the man she had seen in the basement flat in Pacific Lane . On the table was a note with Julie 's name on it . She picked it up and as she read it the look of shock and despair on her face deepened . Tears streamed down her face as she passed it wordlessly to Lisa . Dearest Julie , I thought it would help me to tell everything to you , as I have so many times in the past , but I find I cannot face you with the knowledge of my guilt . I would rather die than see fear in your eyes when you look into mine . I will confess to you in this note , I killed Simon Gower . I shot him dead with a stolen gun which I will now use to take my own life . I was seen when I ran over the child . The man who saw me threatened to go to the police if I did not kill Gower for him . I can 't live with myself after killing a man who never did anything to harm me . Julie gazed through her tears at the body of her dead ex - husband . " It can 't be true , " she said , so softly Lisa could hardly hear , " he wouldn 't do it , I know . But Harry was so sure at the time that nobody could have seen him . " " Should we call the police ? " Lisa asked . In spite of her horror at finding a dead man , she could not help being worried about what would happen if her finger prints were found on the gun . " No ! At least , not yet . There 's someone I must go and see at once , to put my mind at rest . I need to know what made Harry do this to himself . Even after we stopped living together I still cared for him . I wish I 'd gone to see him when he called yesterday . Maybe I could have stopped this . " " I 'll come with you , " said Lisa . She didn 't feel she could leave Julie while she was in the first shock of grief . It was quite a long walk to the street where Julie was heading , a tree lined avenue in South Clapham . They walked in through the front gate of a large house with one doorbell by the front door to indicate it was lived in by a single family . Julie didn 't go up to the door but walked round to the side of the house where a large Mercedes was parked . " Good , he 's here , " Julie said when she saw the car . " Lisa , I really appreciate it that you came with me , but I think I 'd better see him on my own . You know whose house this is , don 't you ? " Lisa shook her head . " It 's David 's place , " Julie went on , " you must have heard gossip about us at the office ? I think he 'd prefer it if I went in there alone . " On this side of the house was a French door with glass panels , light shining through onto the drive . Julie knocked gently at this door as Lisa hid behind the Mercedes . Almost at once the door was opened by David . Julie went into the brightly lit room leaving Lisa outside in the cold . After a while Lisa edged nearer to the door . Julie had left it slightly open and Lisa found that if she stood against the wall near the door , she could hear what they were saying without risking being seen . " I really need to know , David ! Who did you tell ? " Julie was saying . " I 've never said a word to anyone ! Would I do that , after you told me in confidence ? " " Come on , Julie , you can 't possibly think that ! Would I murder somebody just to get a promotion ? You can 't seriously believe I 'd do that ! My God , Julie , put that gun away ! Simon was my friend , we went out for drinks and dinner together , I wouldn 't kill him ! Julie , you 're upset about Harry , you can 't think sensibly at this time . When you feel better you 'll realise I wouldn 't do a thing like that . Now , give me the gun . Julie , I thought you and I could trust each other . There , that 's better , guns are dangerous things . I 'll keep it for you . I hope you haven 't been accusing me to anyone else . " " Now you know how it feels to have someone point a gun at you ! Not very pleasant , is it ? I wish I didn 't have to do this , but I never thought Harry would kill himself and explain everything in a letter to you . I thought I could get away without doing any of the dirty work . It wasn 't just for the job , Simon found out I 'd taken some money from the company account . I begged him to give me time to replace it but he said if it wasn 't put back in a week he 'd report me to the police and I 'd get the sack . I would have been completely disgraced if I hadn 't remembered what you 'd told me about Harry . Thank you for bringing me the gun and the suicide note . I 'll take your body to Harry 's flat and it will look like a double suicide , the alcoholic and his lonely ex - wife . I 'll burn the note and there 'll be nothing to connect him with Simon . " Lisa could think of only one way to save her friend . Making her voice as deep and loud as possible , she shouted , " Police ! Open up . " There was a moment of absolute silence , then the sound of the gun . Julie rushed out through the French door . " Lisa ! He 's shot himself ! " Lisa insisted that they call the police . She just wanted the nightmare to be over . She couldn 't imagine how Julie was feeling , seeing the bodies of two men she had loved , dead in one day . The police got there very quickly and questioned them both for hours . Lisa told the truth about everything since the phone call from Harry . She did not say anything about buying the gun , hoping that her finger prints would have rubbed off since Harry , Julie and David had all handled the gun after her . They were in a lot of trouble for not reporting the suicide earlier , but Julie 's solicitor maintained that finding her ex - husband 's body had shocked her into an unbalanced mental state . Lisa , of course , had felt she needed to stay with Julie while she was in this unbalanced mental state . In the end no charges were made against them . Julie took a week off work to get over the trauma of seeing David 's suicide and finding Harry 's body , so Lisa was the centre of attention in the office . Everyone found time to come round to her desk with some question about work , and soon turned the conversation to the events leading to David 's death . The only exception was Cicely Ford who seemed to be avoiding Lisa . Of course Claudia soon noticed this and repeated to Lisa her guess that Cicely had been having an affair with Simon Gower . " At least , I 'm sure she was having an affair with someone here , " Claudia said . The next day Peter came back from New York . When Lisa got back from work he had just arrived back at the flat . He had heard that Simon Gower had been killed and David had taken over temporarily , but that was all . Lisa filled him in on what had happened since . Then she found that Peter had something to tell her . He confessed that just before leaving for New York he had ended an affair that had been going on for a few months with Cicely Ford . He was surprised at how calmly Lisa took this revelation . What she thought was that it wasn 't so terrible compared to the two confessions of murder she had recently witnessed , but she did feel relieved that she hadn 't trusted Peter with the full story . She had given him the edited version she had told the police , leaving out everything about buying the gun in that basement flat in Pacific Lane .

Conversations with Mama : You never know what she will say and more … # 39 Posted on January 21 , 2017 by Jeanne Bryan Insalaco Conversations with Mama : You never know what she will say and more … # 39 Jan . 1 , 2017 : I called mama around 10 tonight and she immediately said , " it 's 11 o ' clock , what are you doing up ? " I laughed and said , " well when we spring ahead , it 'll be 11 again , it 's only 10 now , your clock is wrong . " " Oh yeah , I never change those clocks , it will catch up . " Then she asked … " what 's all that noise in the background , sounds like someone is singing . " " I 'm watching a show called That 's Entertainment , a montage of movie clips of dancing and singing . I enjoy watching and listening to shows like this when I 'm on the computer , I don 't have to pay too much attention to it . " " I don 't like those , I had enough dancing when I was growing up , going out to dances . So what are you doing on the computer ? " " I 'm writing , what else do I do ! " She laughed … . " God is going to put you in charge up there and you can write everything down . Haha , what will he do with me ? " I told her … " he will put you in charge of the flower gardens . " " I don 't know about that , I don 't do that any more . It 's dreary here , it thundered early just once - just out of the clear blue sky , and scared me and Boo ! He took off to the living room and didn 't come back for awhile . " " Boo hid under the covers last night … too many firecrackers were being shot off . If he wasn 't under the covers , he was under the bed . Even ringing a bell hurts animals ears . I remember on the farm , how when we 'd ring the farm bell , that the dogs would howl ! Remember how Teddy Bear used to howl when you played the piano . " Jan . 2 , 2017 : Wow , another year , seems like just yesterday it was 1999 . But yet when I look at those years as dates , it seems like so long ago . My life is flying by ! I had called mama to wish her a Happy New Year ! I asked if she saw the ball drop ? " Yes I was up late and saw the ball drop , but I wouldn 't want to be there - all wedged - in with those people … for all the money in China . I don 't like crowds like that , but if I was younger , I wouldn 't have had any more sense than to have gone there . " Jan 6 , 2017 : No sooner than I called tonight then mama told me … " I need to go to the store , but I 've gotten so lazy . I need some eggs , I 'm tired of stew . " I mentioned that I saw on Walmart 's page that they have a food delivery service … I could order food , but she 'd have to drive and pick up - and they 'd even bring it out to the car . " No , I don 't want that , I 'd rather drag myself to the grocery store . I 'll go out … maybe tomorrow afternoon . " I asked about eggs on the farm … " Mama always kept the eggs on the counter at the farm , I don 't know why . Maybe because there was no refrigeration like today ? " I mentioned that I had heard that fresh eggs had to be kept out of the fridge , that 's why I asked . I told mama tonight to begin remembering stories about when she worked at Holiday Inn … " I 'll have to think about them , it 's been a long time . " I bet they would make for some funny stories , not sure if I could print them all … When I mentioned coupons and asked if she still used them , that sparked memories … " I remember when I used to go to the recycling center here , just outside of town . I wonder if I could still find it ; there was a side road you went down to the place . It 's been a long time since I 've even thought about that place . I 'd climb way up high on all those newspapers and magazines , sit and pull out the coupon inserts . I stayed there awhile pulling them all out , then lugged them home and sat on the floor the rest of the afternoon cutting coupons and making piles to give away to different people . You had the biggest pile , remember all those envelopes you got stuffed with coupons . I bet no one would have done that for me , but I saved coupons for everyone . I hope they appreciated them , as I sat all day , and then some , cutting coupons . I bet today they wouldn 't even let people come in there like that , and I know I wouldn 't want to do that now . " Yes I remember all those stuffed envelopes of coupons mama sent me … and they sure helped . Different parts of the country where they didn 't double coupons , the manufactures put higher amounts on the coupons , so while mama 's would be fifty cents , mine would be twenty - five cents … and with hers I got the cereal free most times when it was 99 cents . I shopped a lot at Pathmark back then and I got the full value of the coupon even if the item was a less sale price than the coupon amount . Many times they paid me to carry it home … that always made Steve laugh ! At one time , I probably had over a hundred bars of soap in the cellar . I 'll never forget the time I had coupons for Mountain Dew , I must have brought home dozens and dozens of 2 liter bottles … so many that Steve opened the cellar window and I stood outside and passed them down to him so he wouldn 't have to carry the bags in and down to the cellar . And the funny part is , we didn 't really drink it and the kids didn 't want it , so it probably was wasted , but they paid me to bring it home , so I guess I felt compelled to buy it . Whatever I bought back then , I bought in large quantities if it was on sale , because I had quantities of coupons . I 'd never do that today , but I was getting most all that for free , so I wasn 't leaving them in the store ! At one time we must have had over a hundred bars of soap in the cellar ; Steve had counted them ! I wish I had kept some of those receipts , as they showed some really high savings . I encouraged my father - in - law to begin using coupons , and I gave him plenty . He became really hooked on couponing , and had quite an assortment himself … never shopping without them ! My mother - in - law used to complain that he 'd bring home stuff she didn 't want or could use , but if he got it for free , he was going to bring it home ! " Boo is curled up at the foot of the bed while I 'm talking to you . He is catching some really good sleep tonight . I wake up in the middle of the night to find him so close to my back … he couldn 't get any closer if he tried . " I began telling mama about my friend at work who calls her , " Driving Miss Daisy " and how I told her the story about Clyde … Laughing she said , " Oh , it 's been a long time since I 've thought about Clyde . Yea I used to tell the men the story … sure you can come visit me at the farm , we will walk down to the pond in the moonlight and stand looking up at the moon . Then we 'll turn to walk back to the house and I 'll hear … slurp … and old Clyde will have come up behind us and " whoosh " another man gone ! I remember the guys would fall over laughing when I 'd tell that story to someone who never heard it before … as they knew what was coming . " Jan . 8 , 2017 : It was 12 degrees this morning when I called mama - 18 degrees in Monroe and she said she wasn 't cold … " I 'm not cold , Boo and I are under a quilt and we 're both nice and warm . I haven 't looked out or even opened the door to the porch yet . I don 't think Boo wants to go out there , even though he does have a nice fur coat on . I 'm out of coffee and donuts , but I 'm not going to the store today . I do miss my coffee ! I 'm just so lazy lately , everyday ! When I told her I was watching Elvis movies today , that it was his birthday … " He never showed me nothing ! I used to see him standing outside the Army - Navy store in Memphis , he would be picking and singing with his guitar with his foot propped up on a post . I can still close my eyes and see him like it was yesterday . Your daddy favored him a lot when he was young … look at his early photos of him in his Navy uniform and you 'll see it . He should have stayed in the Navy and maybe we wouldn 't have gotten divorced . We should have never come back home to Union Point and near his mother . He was different in the Navy , but he changed back to his old ways when he got out of the Navy and we came home . " She asked again about the DNA test … " they better hurry up - hope they don 't tell me again that they couldn 't test it again " … . Laughing she said . " I must be so hard to figure out as to why they are taking so long . I wish they 'd hurry up , I want to see what this DNA thing shows on me . " Jan . 9 , 2017 : As soon as I called tonight … . " Well I went to the grocery store today and bought more eggs , Ensure and I got my coffee … I have my cup right here sipping on , and it 's so good . I love my coffee ! They say it 's good for you too ! Boo is laying here with his head laying in the palm of my hand and he 's just rolling his body around but staying close . He 's such a spoiled cat and he knows his mama spoils and loves him ! Who 's got it better than Boo ! " Jan 10 , 2017 : When I called , mama answered as soon as it rang … " Boo is laying right up next to me sound asleep , I grabbed the phone really quick when it rang so he wouldn 't wake up . " I told mama that Obama was on giving his farewell speech … " well he could have given that on his first day and it 'd be alright with me . " This cat is so dead asleep , I think I could pick him up and hold him and he wouldn 't wake up . He 's happy when he 's laying on this bed . If someone tried to move him , he would be so mad . His tail is a flapping now - he knows I 'm talking about him . In mentioning a dream to mama , she told me … " I used to dream this dream about my brother Leroy , and I dreamed the same exact dream many times … always the same . In my dream I would be driving on this road , going around a corner , up a hill . As I 'm going up the hill I see a house on the hill , a big Southern home with columns holding up a porch that you would drive your car underneath . And in my dream , I knew Leroy was living there , but I didn 't see him , I just knew he was there . Maybe it was showing me that he was in Heaven ! I can 't remember where I was , but one day I saw that house in my dream and it made me remember that dream about Leroy , and after that I never had the dream again . Now what did that mean ? I hadn 't thought about that dream in a long time until tonight . Sometimes I used to dream about my father , but that was a long time ago . I dream about both of them also , but not much anymore . At times , it seems like those times were just so long ago . " I mentioned Holiday Inn to mama , where she used to work years ago , and asked what was the strangest thing that ever happened there … " There was a man that was eating dinner with two women in the dining room and somehow he slipped off into the lounge and ordered a drink . I served him , then the two women came in and sat down beside him and asked me to pour the drink out . He just sat there and cried , he wanted that drink , that last drink so bad . They told me they were taking him to rehab . The look in his eyes was the saddest thing I 'd ever saw , they were begging for that drink , as tears ran down his face . " " We had a blind man at Holiday Inn that came a few times a week to play the piano in the lounge . No one could slip up on him either - I used to try and sneak up on him , but he 'd catch me and call me out every time . He always knew I was coming , he said he could hear my walk . " I asked mama , what was the strangest drink you were ever asked to make … Laughing she said , " This guy asked for a " skip and go naked " one night . I laughed and told him , " well that 's a new one on me , but if you can tell me what 's in it , I 'll make it . " I can 't exactly remember it all , but it was a beer , topped with something … I 'll have to think more on that . " Tips weren 't much then , usually $ 1 dollar or $ 1 . 50 , people didn 't tip that much , until they 'd had a little to drink , it was a small town . The only other place to drink was on the other side of town at the VFW ; they 'd go there to because they had slot machines . Madison used to be a - hopping town on Friday nights . Lot of truckers stopped at Holiday Inn because it sat next to I - 20 . They watched out for me on those late night drives home - that 's how I got my nickname Angel , from the CB I had in the car . My name on the CB radio was the 1 Angel . They chatted with me all the way home , so I always felt safe driving alone at night as I headed home to the farm . One night when I was almost home on the back roads , I ran up on a man laying across the road . I immediately got on the CB and the truckers came back on telling me to " not " get out of the car , but slowly inch up close to him and blow the horn , so I did . He slowly raised up , looked at the car and got up . He staggered to the side of the road and fell over in the ditch . They told me to go on , that he was probably drunk , but safe now on the side of the road . " " I went to the center today , but it was really quiet as many of them had gone on a trip somewhere . When I came home I tried going through some of my clothes " … my reaction … " Really ! " " It was like summer here today , almost 70 in January ! I even worked out in the yard today for quite a bit fixing some of the rocks that had fallen down around my flowers . Then I came in the house and jumped in the bed , and haven 't left . Boo is like a little knot under the covers here , all curled up . If I put the covers on him , he won 't stay … he has to do it by himself . " " I don 't know why I worked in the yard today . I was headed to the mailbox and I just stopped to fix one rock that had fallen , and I just kept going on and on . It was so warm outside , I guess it just made me want to stay outside for a change . " " I had the funniest phone call this evening … when I answered , a man asked me to donate some money to Trump , and I came right back with … as I was laughing … " man are you crazy , Trump 's got more money than me , he doesn 't need my money . Why would I need to give him money . " That man just hung up ! I just sat here laughing when I hung up . " When I mentioned about how the twins are with each other and how I think Ana is so devilish , she said … " I remember daddy being devilish , maybe Ana takes after him . He 'd take a struck match , that was still just a little warm , and stick it to mama 's leg when she walked by to see her jump . He would chuckle ! " I mentioned that I would be featuring Aunt Lena 's broach on my blog Friday night , and she said … " It was after Aunt Lena died that I got the broach , her sister Emma gave it to me . It must have some worth to it as Lena didn 't wear any costume jewelry , she had all nice pieces . I remember that it had diamonds in it . She gave me a few glass pieces and her sewing cabinet that held her threads … and I gave it to you . Aunt Lena did a lot of sewing , she even made my white graduation dress , but made it too big … saying that I could grow into it . That 's what people did back then , so you 'd get more use out of things , and I always hated that . I liked things to fit and not be big on me ; I never wore that dress a second time . " In telling mama about a photo I found of monkeys hanging in a tree … . " I used to cut them out myself and paint them . I don 't have time to do that anymore , now I have to lay in bed . . Laughing ! I 'd like some more of those monkeys to hang on that chain separating my driveway . Maybe Steve can cut me out some , that would be so cute . " ( I found a pattern already , so guess what Steve will be doing soon . ) Boo just came out from under the covers as I 'm talking … he got off the bed and went on in the living room . He doesn 't like being disturbed . I 'll go get him after I hang up and bring him back to bed . " Jan . 13 , 2017 : I began telling mama about the great " almost " escape of the mouse tonight . Steve went to pick up a pizza , and while I sat on the couch Penelope came into the living room with something dangling from her mouth . I stood up to see and … she dropped something - a small grey mouse . Yikes ! I only had a book in my hand , so I dropped it on him , but after a few seconds he scrambled behind the TV with Penelope in pursuit . I ran into the kitchen looking for something to catch him in , but couldn 't find anything right away . Finally he ran under the couch and I gave up until Steve came home . After eating , we began the game of playing " mousetrap " … me armed with a kids butterfly net and him with the vacuum cleaner . Finally he yelled he had him cornered and when I turned on the vacuum , he sucked him right up . Mama laughed , and … " Poor little mouse , he took his last ride up the vacuum tube . I used to have a baby mouse as a pet . I found him up in the barn and put him in a matchbox , he was so tiny . I was trying to feed him , and called myself raising him until daddy discovered what I was doing . Well that was the end of him as daddy stomped him . He was such a bitty baby of a mouse , but daddy fussed about how they carry diseases and I better not bring any more into the house . " " I didn 't go to the center today as I overslept … so I just rolled over and went back to sleep . I 'm really sore from moving around all those rocks in my gardens the other day . Boo didn 't mind , he just rolled over with me , the two of us are so lazy ! " Jan . 15 , 2016 : Mama called me tonight … she was watching the bad weather in Texas and wanted to know if we were all right … LOL . I told her she was closer to Texas than us … " You could have went outside in your bathing suit today , it was beautiful just like summer . I remember when I liked to sunbathe in my birthday suit when I was about 16 or 17 . I 'd go out in daddy 's wheat field and beat a path down , then lay a quilt . No one could see me way out in the middle of the wheat field . It used to make daddy so mad that he could eat ten - penny nails ! " I asked mama about Aunt Emma ( McKinley - granddaddy 's sister ) coming to visit at the farm … " She and Uncle Charlie only came about once or twice a year . They had more of an expensive car like a Studebaker I think , not like our Model T . Uncle Charlie would give us kids pocket change after he 'd had a few … we didn 't mind , but Aunt Emma got mad . She came down to visit her father , my grandfather , who lived over near Slip Rock . They had a nice house there , too bad it was allowed to just fall apart after they moved over to White Plains . A colored couple moved in , then there was a fire , and maybe after that , no one lived there anymore . I remember stopping there several years after my grandfather moved out and asked to walk through . It was a well built house , too bad it wasn 't kept up . " Jan . 16 , 2017 : I told mama tonight that I gave the corner spool cabinet to Rose today . I was offering it , and she asked if she could have . I told her it was ok if she wanted to paint it for the girls room ; she said she might use it in their room for dolls and books . She came over with Ana and Nina this morning to get it . As soon as she got home , she cleaned it and from the photo she sent later , she put it downstairs in the hallway by the girls playroom - she thought it was the perfect corner for it - now it holds family photos ! I guess the girls will have to wait for another bookcase . Mama said , " Ulma McKinley made the two that I gave you , mama had wanted them and she made them for her . We had them in our house for a long time - takes a lot of spools to make them , maybe mama gave her spools ? Jan . 17 , 2017 : Mama answered the phone all silly tonight , she knew it was me , then said , " I guess if it wasn 't you , someone would have wondered who the heck I was . I went down to the center this morning and stayed for lunch , but didn 't really eat anything ; just sat there and yacked with everyone and stirred it around . I forgot to bring Mama Cat , in the yard , some of the food off my plate . I remembered it when I saw her meet my car in the yard ; poor thing was disappointed when I had nothing for her ! " I asked mama tonight about a photo I found of either her or Willie Mae standing in a lake wearing a grass skirt , she said … " I vaguely remember wearing a grass skirt out at Grandpa Bryan 's old place , I think there was a lake out near his house . It could be me or Willie Mae ; if the skinny legs are the same size all the way up , then it 's Willie . I was in the back room sorting out some things this afternoon , trying to make myself up some outfits to wear to the center . " Mama kept yawning , then I 'd yawn , we went back and forth yawning so much , that I finally said , " I gotta go … so we both stop yawning . " I don 't know why , but if one of us yawns , it 's a chain reaction ! Jan . 18 , 2017 : When mama answered , I told her … you 're little girlfriend was here today . I made baked French toast this morning and her and Grace gobbled it down . McKinley told me , " this is very good . " Then she saw a paint by number of a deer on the dining room table and asked me about it . I told her that Pop 's mother painted it , she looked at me and said , " is she an artist ? " What comes out of her mouth amazes me , she 's only 4 1 / 2 ! I asked mama if she remember me doing paint by number as I remembered painting them . " No I don 't remember you doing that , but I don 't remember a lot of that . I didn 't do them , I painted , but what I wanted to , not with any paint by number sets . Remember I had some in the back room that I put rocks around to make a frame - you took them home one year . " I mentioned vegetable soup as I was looking at a recipe of a vegetable soup that had cabbage in it , and … " I 'd like cabbage in it , but you can keep the spinach , I wouldn 't want it in my soup . You can make some soup and send me " … . And she 's laughing . " I wonder what the mailman would say if I told him I 'm sitting here waiting for the soup my daughter is sending . " Then we began talking about Poor Man 's Soup she used to make . I make it also but only Melissa and I basically liked it , especially when I put Butter Beans in it , Stephen hated them , but Melissa loved them . " They make a good vegetable soup down at the center , but they make terrible cornbread . I want a thick piece of cornbread so I have something to put in my soup and they give you this thin piece of cornbread … I don 't call that good cornbread . I don 't know why they can 't make good cornbread there . The next time they make it , I 'm going to go in the kitchen and ask them for a piece of the cornbread they make for themselves , I bet it 's better than what they are serving the old folks . I used to make good cornbread , but probably can 't make it now . All I used was White Lily cornmeal and buttermilk ; it 's already got the salt and baking powder in it . I have put an egg , but generally I don 't . Now I just don 't want to cook , I 'll just go open an Ensure if I 'm hungry sometimes . " " They usually don 't make soup at the center unless it 's cold , and it hasn 't been cold this winter , and now January is almost over - strange winter . We had cold winters when I was a little girl . I remember ice on the ground before I even went to school . There would be over an inch of ice at times . One time Leroy , called himself skating on the ice , and he slipped going around the side of the house and knocked himself out . This was when we lived in the cabin near Slip Rock . I also remember there was a wild blueberry bush in the yard and I 'd eat the berries . I don 't know why daddy didn 't dig it up and take it over to the farm when we moved ; guess he didn 't like them maybe . " " There was also a chestnut tree in the yard at the cabin , although I don 't remember eating them , but maybe we did . I don 't see any chestnut trees now , I bet if you went in the woods you couldn 't even find one no matter how hard you looked . You just don 't even hear anyone even mentioning them now . " Jan . 19 , 2017 : I asked tonight if she had been watching Trump on TV tonight , then I told her I made " poor man 's soup " tonight , and … " I 'm tired , I worked out in the yard today as it was so pretty and warm . I needed to clean all that dirt out of the road in front of my house as the city only seems to clean the other side of the street with the street cleaner - I never see it come down on my side of the street . While I was out there working , a young police woman stopped and asked what I was doing , and I told her that I wouldn 't have to be cleaning this dirt out in front of my house if the city did their job ! She mentioned that I could get hit out here , but I told her , " I 'm watching the cars coming this way , and when I see and hear them I step back in my yard to let them pass . " I also told her that she should come hang here with me and see all the speeders coming down this road , then I asked her if she knew that - she said no she didn 't . My eyes are watching all the time for cars and I just step back in when I see them coming . Well it 's all clean now until it builds up again . Now everybody can stop watching me , they all like to put their 2 - cents in . " I mentioned to her that she should get a couple of cones and stick out there when she works , and … " Yes I should get myself a couple of cones to use . Maybe I 'll make myself a sign and put next to the mailbox that says " Slow - People Working . " Then mama remembered last night how I told her I was making Poor Man 's Soup and … " Where is my soup , don 't tell me about it , if you 're not going to deliver me any . " I wish she lived closer as she 'd eat well . Jan . 20 , 2017 : When I called tonight , I asked well did you watch Trump become the 45th President today ? " I didn 't even go to the center today as I was too tired after working in the yard yesterday . I forgot all about Trump today , LOL . I probably saw some of it in flipping the channel , but I didn 't search any out ; I think I slept a lot today . " I made a spinach appetizer today , do you like spinach ? " I don 't really like it , but if it 's got a lot of cheese in it like you told me , I 'd probably like it . You 'll have to bring me some . " Ok , I 'll make some and bring it next time , we can always pick on it on the drive down . " Well don 't eat it all before you get here , as now I want to taste it . " Share this : TwitterFacebookGooglePrint & PDFPinterestPrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted in Conversations with Mama and more , Daily Writings and funnies . . . and tagged mama , Siloam Georgia . Bookmark the permalink . ← Friday Night Family Heirlooms … telling their stories : Granddaddy McKinley 's Gem Finds Boo hides during storms just like my kitty , Soxy , does . The first loud clap of thunder and / or flash of lightening , she 's gone . I 'm gad Helen has Boo to keep her company . Talking of Helen sending you coupons , Grandmother Grace would send my sister staples , when she moved to Ohio . About once a month or so , she 'd box up grits and strickalean and send to my sister . She had to use special packaging for the strickalean but she 'd send it . I 'm thinking she 'd also send a couple of other things but can 't remember . Then I was sent up there when my sister was pregnant with her third son and with me went one of those packages . I still laugh about you , Steve and that mouse . I can 't help myself . Guess it 's the picture in my mind of you with that net and Steve with the vacuum . weathervanesTop Posts & Pages Day 1 : 2016 Vacation - Genealogy Road Trip Slave Name Roll : Littleton Mapp - Virginia , North Carolina , South Carolina , Georgia Forgotten Cemeteries : The Young Cemetery of Oconee County , Georgia 2017 A to Z : Letter L . . . All About Me New Haven Green Flag Pole Memorial Honoring World War I Weekend Weathervanes : The Witch in Essex , CT . Do You Know The Poppy Lady : Moina Belle Michael Weekend Weathervanes : It 's a Squirrel in West Haven , CT . 2015 52 Weeks 52 Ancestors Katy HikesDocumenting my 2017 Appalachian thru hikeDennis On - the - gOYou are invited to come along ! A Note From Abroad " Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn 't do than by the ones you did do . So throw off the bowlines . Sailaway from the safe harbor . Catch the trade winds in your sails . Explore . Dream . Discover . 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Published on October 28 , 2013October 28 , 2013 by paulmiller743 Comments The landscape of my childhood is not honey colored or bright with rosy reds . There were stormy blues and sleepy yellows . If I colored it with crayons , it would be the hues children leave in the box . In photographs that have faded as much as memory , the fields around our old house are paler than boiler onions . All the winter walks have become one remembered walk , our breath blowing out ahead in thin clouds , the ice on the bent grass crunching under foot . Let the snow birds break the air , startled out of the underbrush . Let the dogs make chase , each cry bold and bright and startling . They are a part of this magic and cannot disturb it . But we would walk gently , let no words pierce the air . If I want her to hold my hand , I need only to reach up and my mother will curl her warm , work - worn fingers around . She will never be happier than on this walk . She and the woods speak a common language . I am mesmerized by the pine needles on the forest floor . If I nudge them with my shoe , they open , but they are deep and never reveal the dark soil beneath . Yet I know what lies under them . I dig open the earth each spring , following the smell of the chives , hoping to uncover how it all works . Where do the earthworms go when the thistle drops its head and the ice returns , first thin and white as powder sugar , than thicker and grayer toward the morose stretch of February ? My mother has a rage that runs deep , a sadness that is darker than all the long nights of winter . We children are what constrain her , what contain her and pull at her to rise each morning and try again . We did not ask for the burden ; she did not ask for her pain . She erupts at times , when she is at her limit , and there is no creature that could barrel out of the shadow of the woods that would be any more terrifying . The boar and the bear would fall back before her and , glancing around her , design their escape . When a parent dies , they leave a child . The age of the child does not matter . When my father died , his son had as much grey hair as he had brown . In the wake of his passing , childhood has been opened again . I thought I knew my past . But the youth I thought I knew was merely one edit . The original cannot be altered , merely viewed at different intervals , seen in another way by eyes that know more now than they did before . On a warm summer night in my thirty - ninth year , I lose myself in an argument . This is not the soft rage I have known before , nor am I fueled by anger so much as fear . We are two souls , deeply in love , but not seeing each other or hearing each other . Blind and bitter and ugly , we are up the stairs and down the stairs . We are on the bed and in the kitchen . Words on words , voices climbing and falling , but never arriving . Before this night , I have glanced around for something to throw , but I have never done it . I have wanted to rend the air , but instead have gone away to cry , pleaded for pardon and hung my head in remorse the whole of the long , sad day to come . It is never just my fault , but I imagine myself the keeper of the joy . The impulse to cook , to keep things tidy , to find the wisdom and the humor in the things that go awry - these are a part of me , a magic that lets the boat rise with the storm . On this night , this summer night , I pick something up and send it across the kitchen . The noise is tremendous . I pick up another thing and another , each missile thrown harder than the last . Then he comes to me , startled from our strange spell , horrified by what I have become in this instant . I am horrified , as well , but surely breaking the silence is something . Now the opening has been forced , we can work up and out of the hole . I clean up my mess on my hands and knees , first with a little broom and dustpan , then with the vacuum . I stop only to hold him because he is crying . We are children parenting ourselves and our love . He fears we cannot find our way back . I think we 're halfway there . As I have always done , I want to bring us back to safer ground . I sent us into deeper shadows than we have probed before , but my wings are strong enough to carry us home . And sure enough , we do find the healing words and though we will go to work the next day with a terrible weight , we will get lighter with each night 's sleep . It is in us to keep loving , to keep the light . The dent in the freezer door and the scratches on the floor remain . No amount of regret can pop the steel or knit the finish on the tiles . My rage left its traces on the surface of our life , but through it , the hearts beneath are stronger and closer . When there is too much happening inside - a terrible brew of sad thoughts , regrets , incomplete sentences , formless worries and dreams bent over on themselves - the explosion is the thing that must happen . There is a better way , surely , and we hope never to see ourselves blow open that way again . We will walk away the next time . We will let our worries out in short , safe little puffs . Since the night I went mad , I see my mother 's rages anew . It is true , she could make a wild animal bolt when she lost it . Now I know what her insides felt like . Before I only knew how she looked on the surface . I knew the vein on her temple , the black cave of her mouth , the fire running over her cheeks and the white ice of her knuckles as her fist clutched the air . She was alone with a despair that was killing her and this was the best she could manage . In my thirty - ninth year I lost my father , which is a terrible thing . Yet I have found something grave and golden , a lovely cold comfort . I have found another well of compassion , deep waters connecting me to my mother . She never had to explain to me the thing about being quiet in the woods . I knew it because she knew it . We come out of the pines and pause at the edge of the pond . The banks are brown and muddy on this end . We step close , but not too close . The other end is called the deep end . Its banks are not dark and soft ; they are pebbled with light shale . It is easy to scuttle forward on that end , to slide into the water . I don 't know how deep the deep end is , but I feel a sort of terror about it and seldom walk around to that side . If she and I are careful , we can lean forward , holding hands to help balance one another , and we can peer at the gentle blue of the winter sky , mirrored on the surface . But we cannot lean in far enough to see each other glancing up at ourselves . If we fell in , the mirror breaks open and the cold water pulls us under . Then her mind drifted and she was trying to remember what she had in the pantry because it seemed like a soup kind of night . Though there were still some leaves on the trees , the October twilight was cold . The chill had chased people off the sidewalks , so she was alone for the twelve blessed minutes until she got home . Everyone at work called her Hawkins , which was her own rule . She hated her first name . It was a soft name that never fit her personality . Even her mother once said , " If I 'd known what a mean bitch you 'd turn out to be , I 'd have named you something like Myrtle . " The two of them could always joke in that way . A friend of hers once asked if it hurt her feelings and that was the first time she ever stopped to consider that it could . She shook her head at the time , said , " No , that 's just how we are . Honest . " She had to explain that to Denise from human resources all the time . It came up again today when she was called in to talk about the latest report Leslie had filed . Leslie was the dough faced idiot who sat across from her , dusting her resin lighthouse collection with her dirty lunch napkin while she talked to customers on the phone , the wire of her headset vanishing into her neck fat . Denise was a pretty girl , always wore nice clothes from places like J . Crew or the Gap , tossed her hair - do around the lunch room like a Kennedy at a fundraiser . Hawkins considered herself lucky not to be on Denise 's friend list . If you were , she 'd make you look at pictures of her latest bride 's maid gig . All those girls with thin arms and drunken eyeliner , captured forever trying to Dougy with some sass . No , thanks . Hawkins knew the drill . She knew how to talk to people like Denise . Clearing her throat gently , she put on her smooth customer service voice . " Well , Denise , I think it 's common for there to be friction between folks in close quarters . I also think Leslie 's a bit hypersensitive . " " She said you muttered … " Her eyes dropped as she glanced at the report . " She said you muttered ' ugly bitch ' under your breath when she looked at you . " Hawkins laughed out loud - mostly because it was true and a little embarrassing , but also because she liked to see proper , swing - bob Denise using words like that . She composed herself , decided the game was up . " Look . What you mutter is private . " Denise looked at her for a long while . Her office was small , so the silence was condensed like soup out of a can . Considering her options , Hawkins decided to throw in a little water . " Well , she does have super good hearing . I 'll give her that . How about I go to the printer room the next time I need to mutter something ? Because I promise you , it isn 't in me to suppress it when I get that irritated . " The walk home took her along the expressway and she paused as always at Mt . Carmel Triangle to light a cigarette . She leaned against the fence while she smoked , looking at the statue of the holy mother and child . The Madonna had been painted badly so that her eyebrows looked like woolly caterpillars . Still , her face wore the calm wisdom that comforted people . At home , her kids were staring at screens , hunting down gangsters and popping off hookers at a hundred and twenty miles an hour . If she was lucky , the oldest remembered to empty the drainer and maybe , just maybe , wash the coffee pot for tomorrow morning . It wasn 't likely . If her Grammy could have seen her talking to the two of them like that , she 'd have made her cut a switch from the forsythia in the back yard and she 'd have welted up her ass cheeks something good . Hawkins glanced up into the glowering sky , but her sense of guilt was short - lived as something like a defiant smile played at her lips . Still , she fished into her hip pocket and found some change , dropped it softly on the broken tiles at the feet of the Madonna . She finished off her cigarette before moving on , glancing back once and catching the last of the twilight making a sort of magic on the statue . They didn 't seem to mind her grilling them . Maybe they knew how much her feet hurt by this time of day . Or how annoying Leslie was in the morning , when her energy was peaking after a breakfast of sugary , whip cream covered coffee from McDonald 's . The thing about people like Leslie that pissed her off was how they pretended that each day was a fresh slate . She always parked it with a bright smile , saying good morning like today they were finally going to hit it off . She dug her hands into her pockets , leaning into a cold breeze that cut over the island . On the air she could smell garbage and spicy food . It quickened her hunger and she walked faster . Before long she reached their little house with the metal awning over the door , rusted and bent but still some comfort on rainy days . The door was unlocked , like always , so she pushed into the warm hall without breaking pace . Two of them were playing video games , little boxes of cereal open on the table in front of them . The oldest was sitting in her recliner , Indian style , painting his nails carefully . He glanced up at her when she entered . She rolled her eyes . " Yeah , princess , well that 's good to know . I got a fancy dress ball this Saturday . You mind picking up my diamond tiara from the dry cleaners ? " " You clean up in the kitchen at all ? " she asked , sinking onto the sofa between the younger ones . They peered at her quickly , then back at the screen . She snatched up a cereal box and gave it a shake . " You little fuckers hungry or did you already eat ? " When she was fifteen , she got pregnant with Shawn . His stupid dad hung around just long enough to stick him with that name . The other two came a good long while later . Hawkins always said she was too smart to want another kid after Shawn , but now and again she forgot herself . In a lot of ways , she and the boy had raised each other . When the others came along , he helped a lot , always seeming to know how tired she was and that her fuse was short . Sometimes he said something smart and it made her see herself . One day she had to get around to thanking him for real , but not until he was old enough to get it . Just in the last year , since he turned fifteen , he 'd changed on her . Most times he wasn 't willing to help anymore with anything . She had to harass him to pick up the messes and get something on the stove . And it took everything in her to make the little fucker go to school . He said they were all calling him faggot and he didn 't need that shit anyway . She heard him , but she pretended she didn 't . It was true that she had no idea how she 'd get him into college . His grades were good , despite his absences , but that wasn 't enough . Instead of arguing about that , she 'd taken up the other issue . That had made him cry and even though Hawkins liked to pretend nothing ever hurt , seeing his mascara running down his young face was like looking in the mirror when she was that age . It just about broke her into a million pieces . She set her jaw . " Anyway , why do we care what trash thinks about us ? " she said . " When you 're my age , you won 't remember half the cunts you went to school with and whether or not you 're queer won 't matter anymore because by then you 'll have friends who like queers . Get it ? " He 'd given her one of his looks . His eyes were exactly like her own , small and brown and really sharp . Her Grammy always said she had a way about her that was worth more than gold . It amused the old woman . " You got that peppery stare that makes bitches sneeze . " Hawkins never got the joke until Shawn got old enough to give her the look . It always made her glance away . Tonight , while they sat eating pizza in the little dining room off the kitchen , she found herself looking at Shawn now and again . Under his eyeliner and his shaggy hair , he was as good - looking as his father . He was tall and slender and had full lips that were quick to smile , but pretty even when he was sad or thinking hard . Her boy was self - possessed like herself . With him , you only ever knew what he wanted you to know . In the silence between them , her thoughts drifted to the Mt . Carmel statue . She wondered why she stopped there every night and looked at the mother and son . It had seemed for a long time like it was the perfect place to light her cigarette , the mid - point on her walk home . But since Shawn had started to change , she 'd been studying the figures closer . Some nights she had dreams about when he was as little as the Baby Jesus . It was the kind of dream that was so mundane and so real , it felt more like a memory . Maybe it was . She was sitting on her mother 's sofa late at night . All the lights in the apartment were out , except that the Christmas tree was lit . In the rainbow glow of the lights , she could make out her baby in the bassinet near her knee . She was drowsy and he was sleeping peacefully . The two of them were all alone and outside you could hear the traffic on the expressway and you could hear the wind . Howl . Published on October 22 , 2013 by paulmiller74Leave a comment In the junk shop , the plate glass opens a flood of golden afternoon light onto a bin of old photos . Each snapshot is a quarter . Some of the pictures are faded , others spotted with dried food . Once upon a time , people passed these around the dinner table , saying things like , " Doesn 't she look like her daddy there ? " The women pick through them side by side , purse straps pulling unnoticed , the weight a part of them at least as long as motherhood . Today they are just each other again , the best friends of lost years , the keepers of secrets , the ones to laugh at jokes no one else ever knows . The kids are with their fathers , one set in Idaho , the other in Maryland . Sticky kitchen floors and unfolded laundry seem impossible facts on the streets of New York , easily and deliberately forgotten for three days of escape . In this musty junk shop , the only things that are real are dirty baby dolls and battered night stands , the feel of being together again yet again . One could take all the paint - by - numbers on the floor and hang them together on a wall . About halfway to the back , under a stack of record players , there 's a flowered sofa that would look okay with a pair of green chairs up front . The coffee table with the finish bubbling off at the corners could work at the center of the grouping , an assortment of candlesticks brothered up on the glass . The pair of plaster lamps on the counter might slide in with shades taken from other lamps . And if someone ran down to the corner store for bulbs , there would even be light . In the end , scrambling through the dusty and the dismissed relics of all these other lives , a strong back and a quick mind could make up a room , comfortable and maybe too familiar - kitsch and even a little witty . Yet there is a joy in letting the puzzle remain just the pieces . Outside the shop , on the street above , the two women are perfectly framed in the window over the photo bin . Wrapping the bottom of the window are stickers for bands , posts for concerts that already happened . The colors are faded and the paper is curled . Holding up photos for each other now and again , they laugh quickly , their fingers seeking out the next . They could never explain exactly the photos that will come home with them , the sets of four worth their dollar . Maybe none will come home , but that isn 't really the point of the moment , whether they know it or not . Above their heads , reflected in the glass , the brick of buildings and the blue of the sky are impenetrable unless you stare through them a long time . Published on October 17 , 2013October 17 , 2013 by paulmiller74Leave a comment She beat that road every day to work , the years flying by like the blurred scenery . The White House changed hands three times , her sisters got married and her best friend moved away . In all that time , her job got easier to bear or else she just got numb . One thing she knew : it only ever paid enough to get by and not a dime more . When the fridge broke or the car started to overheat , her guts twisted like she was passing gravels . A long time ago - it seemed - she 'd thought this life would be temporary . She 'd move on , move up . Yet time made the route into the routine while her ass got bigger and her eyes dulled from blue to a quiet grey . Most nights she pulled into the drive and couldn 't remember anything about the drive home . She was so anxious to get there , she 'd put off stopping to fill up the car . The red light on the dash would stare her down all the way to the gas station the next morning and she 'd just about go crazy worrying about making it there . She told her mother this once and she said , " Why the rush to get home , Carmen ? You ain 't got no one waiting for you unless you count that dumb cat . " Just after New Year 's a new girl started at the plant . Her name was Emily . There was a soft , sexy quality about her , like the bombshells out of old black and white movies . She talked a lot and because she was so young it was mostly about guys . She changed her nail polish every Wednesday night . It was always something colorful and a little weird . Still , Carmen found her eyes seeking out the new look each Thursday at lunch . At least once a week something looked different in that ugly ass break room . One day they discovered they lived on the same road . Emily suggested they should ride together sometimes . Carmen told her she 'd think about it . Emily 's suggestion came up when she had supper with her folks one night . Her mother said , " Carpooling would be a good idea . Just make sure she 's not a meth head or something first . Once they know where you live , they 'll steal your TV to get a fix . " That was her mother 's talent : finding the thing to be concerned about . Carmen kept mulling it over . Something had changed since the girl brought it up . No one from work had ever lived near her and so it had never been an option . But now that she could imagine having someone to talk to on the ride , it made her notice the silence of her drive all the more acutely . She wasn 't really sure she wanted to talk to someone every day , but then again , it hadn 't seemed so lonely until now . Maybe it was the drab winter countryside . One February afternoon , she unwrapped her tuna fish sandwich , stared down at the soggy bread for a long while and somehow came to a decision . She glanced over at the girl . Today her nails were black with red hearts , five a hand , exactly fitting each square oval . Carmen nodded and gave the girl her number . The black tipped thumbs moved like lightning as Emily plugged it into her contacts . The young ones handle their phones like part of their body , Carmen thought , feeling old not for the first time . Emily lived in a plain brick rancher with beige trim , bearded with shaggy evergreen shrubs all around . On the carport , someone had started to take apart an old Mustang and had never got around to putting it back together . Spider webs draped the yawning hood . She had barely stopped when the side door flew open and Emily barreled across the yard , bent against the cold , looking younger than ever under her fluffy hood and baggy coat . As they drove along the highway , she was surprised that Emily didn 't talk her ears off as she had thought might happen . Instead , she found herself doing the talking . She heard herself asking if Emily was allergic to cats ; she had vacuumed out her car just in case . She asked the girl if she minded the radio and the girl said she liked anything but talk radio . She didn 't like all that political stuff . Carmen told her the only talk radio she liked was an AM program about conspiracy theories . Then Carmen remembered that this was just an experiment , them driving together . Her own idea to treat it like a trial of sorts . Why was she doing so much of the talking ? This was not her way , usually . She tuned in a pop music station and it seemed like in no time they were pulling into the parking lot at the plant . On the way home , Emily was just as Carmen had first imagined . She chatted about everything under the sun and Carmen realized she was probably not a morning person . It didn 't bother her as much as she thought it would . When she stopped for gas , she glanced now and again through the window , watching the girl texting friends on her phone . To her surprise , Emily turned to study her , taking the question to heart . What was it with these young people ? The way she was raised , you always lied and said people looked younger than they were . It was a courtesy . A no brainer . She considered being offended . She picked it up and put it back down again . Instead she heard herself let out a sigh . " I 've been thinking about doing something different with it . " Her voice was so sweet and wistful , it made Carmen study the place closer . She hadn 't noticed it in years . Vaguely she recalled that she used to feel the same way Emily did about it . It was good to have someone to make you notice things . She felt relieved that the carpooling wasn 't terrible after all . At least , not so far . When she let Emily out at her house , she watched her dash across the yellow lawn before backing out onto the street . She was smiling a little bit , thinking about bangs that sweep off to one side . Then she remembered that tomorrow would also be a new nail polish day and she found herself chuckling . Published on October 15 , 2013October 15 , 2013 by paulmiller74Leave a comment We 've been strolling for about twenty minutes when we again circle the benches at the fountain . This time when Sharp raises his brows in the question , I nod in agreement , so we stop and take a seat . He sighs in contentment as he settles in . I squint up into the sky . " Well , you look as good as a guy like you can look , anyway . Your hair is at least combed and I don 't see any mustard stains on your shirt . New lady in your life ? Something you 'd care to discuss with the group ? " I laugh right out loud . It 's fun to get his goat and I long ago decided he can 't tell it 's a kind of flirting . Sharp is a brilliant man but he has his blind spots . It 's clear he isn 't going to tell me if he 's dating someone . We sit without talking for a while , studying the other people , listening to the music of three jazz musicians standing in dappled light . It 's Sunday in Washington Square , warm for this late in October . Cardigans have come off and are tossed over elbows or knotted around waists . The leaves are all stained glass and back lit . This is an impossibly beautiful , Hollywood kind of day . He has spotted a woman and her son arguing near the fountain . The woman is yoga - and - kale - juice thin , wearing one of those dresses that looks like bicycling clothes . Her blond hair is short and messy and something about her looks familiar . She might be an actress I should know about . Her son has stylishly disheveled hair and wears skinny jeans rolled up to show off striped socks and rugged little boots . Peeping out from under the jacket he is twisting out of is a vintage - looking Blondie concert tee sized for a five year old . " Well , Timmy 's winning , " I say . " There should be a rule . Until you are pretty much a teenager , no one gets to dress you up cute and trendy . You just wear some old shit off the rack at K - Mart . " The boy we 've named Timmy has wrestled free of his jacket , leaving his mother holding the sleeves with a frustrated and slightly astounded look on her face . Sharp shrugs . " Looks like he already is one . " But now I 'm bored with making fun of Timmy . He 's fallen and he 's crying while his mother checks him over . He 's become just a little kid again and it 's time to let up . Sharp must agree because he has an old couple in his sights . They are sitting on a bench on the north side of the fountain . I study the old woman , who is scribbling in a Sudoku book with a purple fountain pen . She is tallish , you can tell , with hair that hasn 't been taking calls since Carter was in office . It 's flame red and curls stiffly against the popped color of her tweed blazer . Her slacks look expensive but slightly high - water , as if they refuse to meet her curious choice of huge white tennis shoes . I squint at the man now . He sits far enough from her that a child or a small person could plop down between them . His hands are empty , loosely woven together on his lap . He is shorter than his wife and not just because he 's so old - this guy was always shorter than her . You can tell . He dresses exactly as bad as Norman Fell on Three 's Company , so I take the easy way out . As we stroll along , I return to the subject of the Rosenblatts . " You know , I have this thing where I always imagine older women having prolapsed uteri but being unable to talk about it to their doctor . Like it embarrasses them so they won 't get treatment . " " No . " We step around a small man in Daisy Dukes , tugging the leashes of three dogs . The littlest dog is a shih tzu and the biggest a great dane . I dig my hands in my jacket pockets , wishing I 'd worn only a t - shirt and jeans . I 'm only ever happy in a t - shirt and jeans . Anytime I try to add another component , I live to regret it . " Now I can , " Sharp says , wincing . " How come your version of her daughter sounds like Rhoda ? Whenever you do a New York woman 's voice , it 's Valerie Harper all over the place . Don 't look , but your suburbia is showing . " Sharp remembers everything you tell him . His mind is a steel cage . I laugh as I recall the story my sister told me . She said she went over to our mom 's house to check on her one Saturday . Mom was in the shower when Julie got there so she made herself a roast beef sandwich and then threw herself over Mom 's bed , looking through a magazine and eating the sandwich . When Mom got out of the shower , she said , " Julie , I want you to take a look at something . " Julie got up and stepped into the bathroom , the roast beef sandwich in one hand and the magazine in the other . Our mother was standing in front of the bathtub , toweling herself dry with her legs about shoulder width apart . " Look at this , honey , " Mom says . She lets the towel go and points to herself down there and where her legs meet up , there is something that looks exactly like a huge wad of chewing gum - that weird color called burple - blown into a bubble and then stuck there , half deflated . " It 's my vagina , " Mom said . " My insides are coming out . " My sister said she literally threw up . She puked the roast beef sandwich right out over the bathroom floor and some of the throw up splashed up on both her and my mom . Then my mother , now as shocked and grossed out as Julie was , pukes in turn . And this puke , as Julie tells it , had walnuts and Craisins in it . " You know , " she added . " Those dried cranberries . But now they were reconstituted , so they just looked like normal cranberries . " She said it was the grossest thing that ever happened to her and I bet she 's not lying about it . Of course I called up Sharp at the time and told him first . That was last year , when Sharp and I were in the thick of our friendship . We 'd only been friends a year or so at that point and , his divorce over and him shy about dating again , we spent a lot of time together . That was back when I was a little bit in love with Sharp . The night I figured it out , we were walking back to my place from a bar . It was two or three in the morning , but we weren 't really that pissed . We 'd been drinking slow and talking all night and we 'd never switched from beer to liquor , though we talked about it . I saw a mirror on the sidewalk someone had thrown out . It was cracked in one corner , but it had an interesting frame . Sharp could tell I liked it as soon as I paused to give it a look . " Want me to carry it ? " he asked . It was a big mirror and he is a bigger guy than me , but it wasn 't anything I couldn 't manage . Maybe he could see I was a little peeved that he offered . He said , " Or we can take turns . It 's still five blocks . " " Okay , " I said . So we took turns carrying it back to my place . He held it when we got to the apartment door so I could get out my key and let us in . The hallway is small and its easy to stand too close to someone in it even when there isn 't a mirror pushing the two of you together to get through . I could feel the heat coming off his body he was so close to my side . It made getting the lock a clumsy task . When we got inside , I told him to throw the mirror up on the mantle shelf . The chimneys have all been bricked up , so the mantles are just relics now . He put it up and turned to face me , his stupid face a little red from coming up the steps , his eyes shiny and dark , the only bright things I could see at that moment . He was smiling at me warmly , as friends do in those rare moments of quiet we allow ourselves . I knew in that instant how much I had come to rely on him for feeling happy and it just kicked me in the stomach . This was a real pain I 'd felt once or twice before in my life . I turned away with a cross brow and said flatly , " Thanks , Sharp . I think I 'm gonna go to bed , so you need to go home . " He left with a scowl on his face and I cried myself to sleep . But that was a year ago and since then I 've folded those feelings up until they fit our particular box . It was that or no Saturdays like this one , where we walk and talk this way , opening up strangers and deciding we know the shape of them on the inside . We 're very clever , we like to think , and that is how Sharp and I work . Published on October 9 , 2013October 10 , 2013 by paulmiller74Leave a comment There is history to each old house rotting along the byways , peering out from under the stringy grip of the mad kudzu . My aunt Becky knew lots of stories , about the living and the dead . Some things she knew because she was a court reporter who spent hours looking up things in town records . Yet some of the best tales she told were just things she knew because they were woven into the very countryside we called home . And because she was the oldest aunt , she 'd lived through the most stories . You could point to any old home place on our road and she knew who had lived there and how they died . We always loved the creepiest tales . She lingered on the telling , feeding them to us in bits while she made supper . The whole family came to eat the Sunday meal in the house Aunt Becky and Grandma kept , so once a week there was a pretty big audience for storytelling . As the other kids gathered in the living room or out on the front yard to play and to bicker , I would find a place to disappear in the kitchen so that I could hear the telling . It wasn 't hiding so much as just blending in . In the world of my childhood , you watched TV most nights . In those candy bright living rooms , toothy bell - bottom wearers gave each other high fives while canned laughs told us it was all very funny . But on Sunday evenings , the best stories to be had came from Becky . One of her stories was about Rosie Hawkins and Duck March , whose name might sound like an annual event in the natural world . Yet to us it had a terrifying connotation . If older cousins wanted to scare you in the yard at twilight , they paused and looked into the woods , whispering , " Was that Duck March ? " The story Becky told was about something that happened a long while back . This is how she told it . Rosie Hawkins was a spinster who lived all alone on Loop Road . One Sunday evening , after she missed church supper for the first time in all her life , they found her swinging from a tree outside her house . It was said she killed herself , but there was blood on her dress . Doc Holiday said it might have been her virgin blood . Someone else asked how she got up there ; they found neither ladder nor chair under the tree . Rosie wasn 't spry enough to have climbed up and jumped down . Besides , the branches were all high . Everyone knew how tidy Rosie kept that yard . Every tree a proper soldier , arms up to salute the starched little general that was then the Hawkins farm house . And Roy Sealock made a good point , too , which was about her church cakes . Why would a woman who was planning to kill herself make three of the prettiest cakes you ever saw , lined up just so , with the basket she usually used for taking things to church supper sitting there beside ? Though they would never write it up as a murder , everyone agreed nothing made sense . Becky knew something else , too . She had written an article for the paper once , just a couple of years ago and long after Rosie Hawkins was laid to rest , about a psychic who came to live in the area . The seeing woman told Becky she lived in these parts when she was a child , but her father moved them all to California back in the fifties . She asked Becky about a sleep vision she once had far away in Santa Monica when she was a teenager , that she always felt had something to do with their old home in Virginia . In this dream she saw a woman being raped on the floor of a small , whitewashed kitchen . She was stout and had thick brown hair in a knot on top her head . The man was wiry . He wore his dark hair a little like Hitler , but his face was whiskered over thickly . The story gave Becky pause , because the man sounded like Duck March , a local mad man who was attributed to some other unsolved murders . Then the seer frowned with another thought and added that the man was missing a finger on his left hand . She thought it might have been the pointer finger . Then my aunt knew it was Duck . The woman told her she saw the missing finger because she saw him making a noose . She said the woman was already limp when he slipped it over her head ; he 'd broken her neck when they fought in the kitchen . He climbed up on a ladder from the barn and dragged the rope over a tree branch , arms straining , until she was hovering well above a perfect carpet of grass . In her dream , she was able to follow him back to the barn and watch him put the ladder away . Then just before he bolted into the woods , he turned suddenly as though startled , and she had a funny sense that he was going to look straight at her through her dream . She woke up in a cold sweat . Becky said she didn 't know how she felt about psychics , as a rule , but the woman seemed sincere . And telling the story left her visibly pale and unhappy ; she was certain the thing she saw had really happened . Becky had come to write about a psychic returning home , a light enough little piece to hold down the back page of the paper . She could not and did not write the story the woman told her . My aunt always saved a good detail for the last . She 'd get up to stir something on the stove while we mulled over what she had told us . The other grownups started along side roads that stemmed from the tale : what ever happened to the Hawkins farm ; did they every find the person who finally killed Duck March ; was it true that when they found his body , his parents rolled him over and took his wallet ? Becky would answer each question in good time , but first she turned from the stove and added the delicious last stroke to her Rosie Hawkins masterpiece . When she was leaving the psychic 's house - that little place with the blue door out on Airport Road near the animal shelter - the woman smiled at her and said that the queerest thing about visions was the details she sometimes remembered . Like with the rape she saw in that prim little kitchen , she 'd never forgot , there were three cakes with white icing sitting all in a row on the table . They were perfect cakes , just so cakes , the kind you smoothed patiently with a cold wet knife . Published on October 9 , 2013October 9 , 2013 by paulmiller742 Comments The force of the train rumbled the soil as it pushed into the mountain and back out of it again . And the bridge carried it out over the water , tight and patient , though the steel burned from the heat . In the shadows of the water below , the fish and turtles would not stop the work of living . The ferns in the wood stirred but the deer and the squirrel paused until the chugging storm passed . Industry was the bumper crop of the clever and it seemed no drought could cause it to ebb . Far away in the steel towns , the women rose before the men that coffee and biscuits would be waiting . The day opened with pink Easterly light . Hours later the men came home in charcoal dusk , themselves as grey as the shadows cloaking their little brick houses . The pay of it made rent and food and sometimes clothes and less often shoes . Just the same each year , by December the cash became oranges and candy and gifts to anchor a wistful Christmas tree . Their sleep was so heavy it was often dreamless , but in the wakeful hours , their eyes strayed again and again to their little jam - sticky broods and something hopeful , something like Roosevelt seemed to think might work , kept them rising to grip the hours ahead . Everything they made , the train took away , but at the other end , there were people who needed it .

Mary Kate will be here tonight . The wait has been so long that it 's hard to believe that it 's about time to go the hospital ( tomorrow at 5 : 30 AM ) . I made a couple of bookmarks this morning . They are nothing to write home about . I had these white purchased bookmarks and I added to them , but they aren 't as good as the ones I made from scratch . Dad 's well on his way on his liquid diet . He was quite grumpy this morning but he got better . He 's done this liquid diet before and remembers the bad parts ! The compressor for the refrigerator came today . I don 't know when the old refrigerator will get fixed with Dad out of commission for a while . Ah , this too shall pass . . . I don 't know if I got that title right . . . Saturday was a total wash out and I didn 't want to waste the time and effort it would have taken to blog about it . My mood was as grey as the skies . Yeah , I 'll blame it on the weather . Today was better . Church was good . The Decker 's were going to Ga . for their son - in - law 's graduation , so I drove to church . That meant that I could leave right after church was over . The Primary Presidency gave us a treat - some fudge and a spoon dipped in fudge or something - and I kept smelling it during Primary so I broke into it and snacked on it between songs . I hope I didn 't leave sugar on the piano keys ! Took a nap and then helped give the birds a bath . Cooked a pot of beans forgetting that Frank goes on a liquid diet tomorrow . Mary Kate can 't eat beans so I guess I 'll freeze them . She 'll be here tomorrow night and Tuesday at 5 : 30 AM we 'll have Dad to the hospital . It was just a refrigerator , but I acted like a kid with a new toy after it was plugged in ! I kept wanting too open the door to feel the cold ! I knew it would never cool if I kept opening the door so I left it alone . It is nice to not have to bend over and get something out of the cooler . There are things that I can 't put up because they go beside the refrigerator - baking pans , etc . - so I can 't really clean up the kitchen until our refrigerator is fixed . We can empty the coolers and put them back downstairs and puts the water bottles back where they were . It was good that I had filled so many bottles with water for they were great in the freezer . I 'll vacuum the floors tomorrow . I did two loads of laundry today . It got up to 62 degrees today . The skies were still grey . I think a cold front is headed our way and Dad said we could have tornadoes tonight . Hope not . The weather is surely messed up . A sign of the times I believe . Christmas day was very quiet . No one came because of Dad 's operation so near so we did nothing . There was no quiet hum of a happy refrigerator . Our rented one will come tomorrow ( Friday ) . It will be so good to have a working ice box in the house . I have no food to put in it but I can take care of that after we have one . The operation is Tuesday . We have to be at the hospital by 5 : 30 AM . Dad can stay 2 nights if needed . Hopefully , he won 't need to stay any longer . Mary Kate will be with me while the operation is going on . My brother said he 'll be coming too . I guess I 'll need to take material to read and money to eat with . Mary Kate is bringing Sophia and Nate with her . They will stay at Trudy 's house while M . K . is at the hospital . Sunday , I 'll need to make up a lot of jello because Dad has to eat only liquids all day . I like jello too , so I 'll need to make up a bunch ! I really have nothing more to say . As I said , it 's been a very quiet day . Ho - ho - ho ! A good time was had by all ! Katie and Harrison ( great nephew ) couldn 't come for Harrison had the flu . Ruth had a nice lunch fixed and after lunch we opened the gifts . I didn 't realize that Jim and Tammy 's two girls would be there so I didn 't have anything for them but they did get some presents . My brother gave me two polished rocks of fossilized wood and a spider pin with two pretty dark stones for the body and gold legs and some kind of light colored rocks ( polished ) for eyes . I left at 4 PM . The Sears man got the refrigerator running but didn 't stay long enough to see if it would cool ! It cooled down to 50 degrees before it stopped . So we 're back to walking up and down the stairs to replace the bottles of ice for the coolers . Today , we went to Rent To Own and rented a refrigerator to be delivered Friday . What a joy it will be to be able to have a refrigerator again ! We surely take for granted our modern conveniences . At least , my refrigerator is clean even if it won 't cool ! I did my usual escape act this morning and didn 't get going until 10 : 00 AM . I piddled around and bugged Dad about getting ready to go to the lab . He was busy on the computer seeing if he needed any more tests and finding out when Sears was coming to fix the compressor in the refrigerator . We got a call tonight saying they would be by between the hours of 8 : 30 AM and 4 : 30 PM . That pretty much gets it ! Tonight , Frank vacuumed behind the refrigerator and he cleaned off the top , too . I couldn 't reach it . The top wasn 't as nasty as previous tops . If I can 't see the dirt , I don 't go looking for it . I cleaned out the refrigerator and it looks like new . Hopefully , by the time I get home , it will be working and cooling just fine . But it will be empty . Maryleen brought by some ground round and we ate some for supper and I put the rest in the big freezer in the basement . My neighbor , Brenda Adams , sent over a big chunk of jam cake today . It 's like fruit cake and was very good ! Brenda is our chief angel who watches over us and her husband , Bobby , cleared out our woods for us and cut a broken limb off the apple tree that had a lot of apples on it . We have good neighbors . I will get up at 6 : 00 AM and start getting ready to go to my brother 's house . I have a box of empty jars for Ruth and I have a slew of gifts for the nephews and nieces . It will be a fun time . I hope to get there around 10 : 00 . I want to beat Bill , my brother 's oldest son , because the other times I went , he and his family were already there and I can tell him I beat him there ! Just a small ho - ho for the Christmas season ! I 'm sorry to leave Frank but he can 't travel . Ah - - h - h - h - - hhh ! All this inactivity is putting pounds on my small frame ! If my knees hurt , I take a nap . If they don 't hurt , I take a nap . Am I running away from life ? Who knows ! I 'm beginning to think that my life is at a dead end . Pain is not our friend ! Yesterday the rain finally stopped . The temperature was 56 degrees ! Today it was 40 something with the wind blowing . Tomorrow , the temperature is supposed to get up to a mighty high of 32 degrees ! I have to take Frank to get his blood drawn again for the operation which is Dec . 30th . Speaking of fat , I got my niece and nephews a Whitman 's Sampler for one of their presents and I got us a small box of Russell Stover chocolates to share with Dad now and then . Our diet hasn 't been very good since the refrigerator has been down and out of the blue tonight he comes into my room asking for chocolates ! I made him leave the room so he wouldn 't find my hiding place and I got the chocolates out . He chose 4 pieces . If I had left the box with him , he would have eaten most of the box ! I really hadn 't thought of them myself , but if it makes him happy , it 's okay . I have to think of what I eat because my activity level is so low , and who can eat only one piece of chocolate ? It usually causes a feeding frenzy ! The paper said that we had met our rain total and now we weren 't in drought conditions . That 's good , but I 'm tired of the grey skies . Grey , gray , the computer says " grey " is misspelled . We got the truck running . It seemed like something was draining the battery and causing it to go dead all the time . Frank checked it with some instrument and found out where some of the drains were . I drove it into town today . That was my second trip into town . I had gone earlier to finish buying the presents for my brother 's Christmas get together . Trudy and the kids were going but she has a Dr . appointment she can 't miss . My house , kitchen , is a wreck ! We have three coolers sitting on the floor . The refrigerator and freezer are open . Every time I glance over , I want to shut the doors but no need to ! Tuesday , the men from Sears will come and fix the compressor . I will be gone all day so I won 't have to put up will all of the confusion that will be going on in my house ! We 'll have the move the birds into my room with the door shut , for there will be soldering going on and the birds don 't need to breathe in those fumes . I 'm taking two old typewriters to my brothers . One belonged to my mother . She would sit on the couch and type letters once a year to her friends . The other typewriter belonged to my mothers sister , Aunt Edna . I used to use the larger one to type school papers on . Wow ! How times have changed ! I 'm getting rid of two old typewriters and my brother is becoming owner of two old machines ! At on time , he said he wanted them . I found out another nephew and his wife will be at my brother 's Christmas party so now I have to buy two more gifts . I 'll go out tomorrow and get them . My knees have been hurting so much lately that I don 't want to go anywhere . The one store is not too far to walk and if I stay away from Walmart , I 'll be okay . I 'll go to Russell Stover 's to get one of the gifts . I may pay more but I won 't have to walk like I would at Walmart and then it might be that Walmart wouldn 't have what I want . I got another small cooler to put my medicine in . I was worried that the temperature would fluctuate too much as the lid on the larger cooler was lifted . I have several frozen bottles in the cooler as the source of cold . I misstated the time we would be without a refrigerator . The repairman will come Dec . 23 . All in all , we will have been without refrigeration for 5 days . It 's the pits ! Tonight , we found that the large cooler leaked ! I think we found it in time that the floors weren 't hurt . Dad took the plug out and found out why it leaked . He fixed it but we aren 't putting loose ice in it , only frozen bottles . I guess I 'll go shopping and buy some one serving meals so we won 't have left overs . Dad stills wants his beans . We packed one serving sizes in Ziploc bags and that worked , but a pound of cooked beans might be too much for a cooler . Oh , well . I 've got to cook the beans now because they are already soaking . Just when you thought it was safe to go into the water . . . . The refrigerator 's compressor died today . Dad called Sear 's and some man came out and checked it . We think the compressor is still under warranty so it shouldn 't cost too much . I have medicine that has to be cooled at all times and that 's been a worry . I went to the Dollar store and bought 3 bags of ice ( they cost $ 2 . 00 a bag ! ) and got two coolers from downstairs to put the ice in . We put the milk and some other food in the big cooler and didn 't get the smaller cooler ready until tonight when Dad said ALL of the food had to be out of the refrigerator . I have lot of bottles of dressing and ketchup , etc . on the table to be thrown away and the trash has already gone out ! We might be two weeks like this ! All we need is a tent in the living room to make this camping trip fun . I have to go to exercise class tomorrow for I missed Mon . and Wed . The people are so nice and they worry about you if you miss too much . I really like it when I 'm there but it takes me getting up at 7 : 00 AM and putting on make - up and getting dressed and feeding Dad and then getting out the door by eight or some time after that . I feel rushed ( wa - a - a - h , wa - a - - ah ) but I do enjoy going or being there . It never rained hard today while I was out but it misted all day . I went to town after lunch and bought the Christmas presents for Uncle Bubba 's gathering . I found the remote control cars I wanted to get for Will and Harrison and got Lynn and Katie a soft throw blanket . I already had the other presents . I ended up at Walmart and got a list of things but forgot the sheet metal screws Frank wanted . I came home and wrapped presents . I don 't really enjoy wrapping anything , but I thought the boys would like to unwrap their presents . Their presents required 6 AA batteries each . Frank always has batteries on hand and I could include the batteries with the presents . Hopefully , the rain will be gone Dec . 23 . and it won 't be too cold . I 've finally gotten used to it being December and half the month is gone ! I 'm glad I gave the kids a check for the grandchildren for the P . O . is wild right now . I 'll go to my brother 's house the 23rd . I already have Ruth 's gifts and will get the adults , Bubba , Bill & Lynn and Katie a Whitman 's Sampler and the two boys a car that runs with a box with controls . It will be fun . Frank and I don 't celebrate . That 's mostly my fault . My mother never did anything for Christmas so I have no Christmas traditions and I 'm too old and tired to start anything now . Trudy wants to start a tradition with them coming for a visit Christmas eve and that will be nice . We couldn 't start this Christmas because Dad has his operation Dec . 30th and I was worried that he might " catch " something and then the operation would be postponed again . I drove into town to go by Dr . Walker 's office to pick up some shoulder exercises . My right shoulder is a bit sore and I thought it might be the rotor cuff . The exercises are simple and I believe I 'll actually do them ! Frank wants to do them too . Mary Kate and family might get a Shih Tzu dog . I hope Richard won 't be allergic to it . Having a dog that would live until I died would be okay . I don 't grieve very well so wouldn 't want to have a dog that would die before I did . It was another grey day and that 's the way I felt , so I went back to bed . I got up at 10 : 00 AM and sometime later put my face on . I was in the kitchen talking to Dad when I realized I had a Dr . appointment at 11 : 30 ! I got there on time but had to wait 1 1 / 2 hrs . ! I saw the Dr . at 1 : 00 PM . It was a well check so I was cool about it . I had to go by the bank and the Herb store and then I came back home . I rested most of the rest of the day and went over to Karen 's house at 6 : 00 PM for our scripture study . It was great as always . I 'm waiting for the blog to save itself . It 's slow to save tonight . Now ! I 'm ready to go . The meetings were good today . The Primary was to sing so Karen and I sat up front . She was worried because I saw her counting little heads and wondering if any kids would come up front . After the Sacrament , the children were called up and a lot came . We sang Christmas Bells and the younger children had little jingle bell they shook while they sang . After that song , we did Away In The Manger . On the chorus , the older girls sang the descant . . . actually , they sang the descant in the Christmas Bells ( ! ) . In Away . . . the boys were supposed to sing the " asleep " part while the girls carried the a - sleep out . The boys didn 't come through but all in all they did a great job ! Our Home Teachers came over today . We have great Home Teachers and they come every month . They got to talking about guns and it was fun to hear all the tales bout the guns . Bro . Hill said he would come over Thursday and look at the truck and see if a nut fell off the starter . The truck battery is on charge again and hopefully once Bro Hill gives it the once over , it will start and I can drive it and keep the battery charged . The heater will heat but the air conditioner won 't cool . It 's two weeks ' til Frank has his operation . I surely hope he 'll be able to go through it this time . I got see Dr . Walker tomorrow for my 6 mo . well check . Will go to exercise class and then probably come back home for I don 't have two hours worth of anything to do in town . I didn 't want to go but I had to go . It was dark , dank and dismal and I finally made the first descending step , holding on the the bannister 's bar tightly for fear of falling . I had already thrown the load down into the darkness and all that was left was for me to follow . Gingerly , I stepped lightly , not wanting to fall . Finally , I was at the bottom step . All I needed now was to pick up my load and make my way to the back of the house . It was dark and cold but I made the trip . Next , I had to stuff the load into the hole . I finally got it all in and then the decision came . . . hot or cold ? I choose hot and then cold . I could have it both ways . Finally , with the twist of my wrist the hot water cascaded into the hole and finally my job was done . I swiftly made it back to the bottom step and hurriedly made my way back into the light . Another load of laundry done ! Frosty Morn used to be the name of a brand of bacon years ago , but that was what it was like at 8 AM this morning . The ice on the windshield was pretty thick . After exercise class , it 's only 9 : 30 AM and nothing is open except Walmart and K Mart . I went to K Mart to look for cotton squares for Dad . They didn 't have any so I went to Walmart . I found some cotton ovals that might do for him . If it snowed last night , I didn 't see any . It 's supposed to be in the 50 - 60 's tomorrow or maybe it 's supposed to rain . . . I 'm not sure . I stopped by the locksmith to get some keys made . We 'll need them when we put on the new door handles . After the new storm doors are installed , we 'll paint the front door ( white ) ( something that 's been needed to be done for years . . . ) . It takes a lot of energy to do this stuff yourself and Frank and I are as energetic as a couple of dead plants ! We did the yearly calendars today . I know when I have to go to H ' ville to pick up Frank 's Rx 's and I can use this information when I have to make Dr . appointments . Dad 's operation is Dec . 30 . We will pay bills early since I don 't know how to use the computer to pay them . Operation time is not the time to have to worry about paying bills . Dad will probably stay 1 - 2 nights . It rained all last night and all day today and is still raining at 7 : 00 PM ! A cold front is moving in and some of this rain may turn into snow ! It was sleeting when I took the trash out this afternoon . I had my chicken factory black boots on and my real raincoat ( plastic ) . I tried to heft a heavy bag into the can and slipped and fell on my hiney ! I had to roll over on my knees to get up and I hoped no one saw me . Luckily , I didn 't break anything ! I think it was the stinking boots on the floor mat that made my foot slip . I didn 't get out of the house . It was too gloomy and rainy . We gave the birds a bath . Gert is my friend again , after many months . He gets out of his cage and gets on my hand and doesn 't seem nervous about it . I 'll get out tomorrow and go to exercises class and then finish my shopping . The sun is supposed to come out and maybe it will come out early . We went to town to Lowe 's and got 2 storm doors , a new door knob for the front door and a new drill to replace the one that doesn 't work . Then we stopped by Staples to get two calendars . The day was overcast and we bought some new wipers for the car . That thrills me because the wipers have been bad for a while . I got the expensive ones so they would work better and would last longer . Dad read where it said that the wiper should be changed every year . Ha ! We only got new ones when the old ones wore out . Our neighbor , who hunts , offered to kill a deer for us . We would just pay the packing price . It would probably be about $ 2 . oo a pound . I would need to get a game cookbook . I saw one somewhere but I don 't remember where ! We bought new storm doors because the ones we got before were cheaply made . The new ones are a much better quality . The door knob has a handle instead of a round knob ( does knob mean " round " ? ) . Now , if we could just get a newer model car ! Some day . After all , the Accord is only 19 years old ! ! It was overcast all day today and the wind was blowing . I could see the storm clouds blowing in but it didn 't begin raining until about 6 : 15 PM . I was on my way over to Karen 's house for scripture study . The rain really began coming down . Ken loaned me an umbrella and I really needed it . I drove 45 mph on Hy 72 and had the wipers on high . I saw lightening but heard no thunder . Dad said he heard the thunder at home . We need the rain so I don 't mind the inconvenience of it all . I didn 't feel like going to Sam 's today . I was just anxious about all the news of the economy . I do want to buy more canned goods but I guess today wasn 't the day . I just washed clothes and made some potato salad and did houses work today . Dad 's working on weighing the things he 's sending to the troops . He 's sending some batteries and some magazines and other stuff . Maybe he 'll have someone pick the package up at the house because I don 't want to have to go back to the P . O . again and stand in line forever . There is so much gloom and despair in the world . The news is the same each day . . . bad . The Big Three car companies want the government to bail them out so they won 't have to go bankrupt . It 's the tax payers money they would get . Senator Shelby is dead set against the bail out . It would be bad for all those people to loose their jobs . Mark Levine has mentioned " depression " in his radio talk show . Until now , we have been so spoiled with life going along as it should , and now all hades is breaking out . I don 't know how it will effect us yet , but it might . Only the Shadow knows . . . Went to exercise this morning and then by the Post Office to mail Mary Kate 's Christmas gifts she left here in order to get Forrest 's weight bench in M . K . 's van . The P . O . line was at the door when I got there and there was only 2 workers ! You pray for patience and then go the Post Office and wait in line for 15 or more minutes ! There 's another P . O . in town in Railroad Bazaar but it is clear across town , past Walmart . We didn 't have scripture study tonight and will have it tomorrow night . Karen 's son , Brent is home and I bet the family went out to eat . I still have some Christmas shopping to do even though I 've taken care of the grandchildren . I 'm thinking about going to Sam 's tomorrow and I could look there . We got the truck battery charged and the truck back in the front yard . I was thinking about getting a better truck but with the Accord so old , it might be better to use that money to upgrade the family car . I went to the card this morning at 10 : 00 AM . There were three of us plus the teacher and her 8 year old daughter . We made two bookmarks and three cards . They were Christmas cards . I made all of my Christmas cards in June . I gave Mary Kate 50 of the cards I had made . If Richard doesn 't like them that 's okay . We did some embausing ( that 's the way it sounds even though it 's spelled wrong ! ) on two of the cards and it really looks good . I have the materials to embause but I have never tried to do it by myself . I got home at 11 : 45 AM . After lunch I went to bed for a rest . Both of my knees were hurting and I just wanted to get off my feet . Seems like I 've been taking naps most every day lately . Didn 't have much to say today , either . I slept in this morning . Was getting dressed at 10 : 30 AM when a package came and it was my new AT & T cell phone . It 's slimmer than my Verison phone and is a metal pink . I like it . I haven 't used it yet but I know I 'll like it . I don 't like the ring tones , but I picked the least obnoxious one ! Dad enjoyed setting it up for me . The leaves are off the trees now . I haven 't gotten out to rake the leaves from the ditch . I guess I 'll wait until the road gets flooded and then I 'll go out and see what I can do . I have a card party tomorrow at 10 : 00 AM . I need to go to support Mary and for myself too . I need to sit down and make some cards . I have so many already made that that might be the reason I haven 't made any in a long time . I 'll get at least four cards made tomorrow . I was up at 7 : 00 AM and so was Dad . He wanted to go to H ' ville today and we planned to go early , but he wanted to pay some bills first . All of this takes time , so we left at 11 : 00 AM ! We went to the Apple Store and the IPhone went back . It was too expensive to hook it up to a phone line ! Then we went to the AT & T store and had our second land line put on a new cell phone for me . It will be pink and has no texting and no fancy stuff . We ate lunch at McDonald 's and then came home . I was going to the Temple tonight but we got back at 3 : 00 PM so I had to cancel the trip . That was good for I was rather tired after all the walking and standing we did . I 'm also tired of driving an the interstate going 70 mph ! I think the car pulls a little to the right . I remember when I got my first bike . It was a used one and I was disappointed at bit but I loved it just the same . I rode with my friends in the neighborhood and I rode by myself . I was going down this steep hill one time and fell and got my knees skinned up . I can still see some of the black cinder material under my skin ! I remember being in the Brownies and then the Girl Scouts . In high school I got into the troupe where there were some of my friends and we all went as high as we could in the GS in the 50 's . I would usually go to Girl Scout camp in the summer . I would go by myself if no one else I knew was going . One time we were working an a lanyard and I decided I didn 't want to finish it and the councelor wrote on my paper that I didn 't finish things I started . That made me mad . I had a bad attitude even when I was a young whipper snapper . I loved working on the badges and was lucky to have leaders for our age group . The Girl Scouts bought some land where Elk River and Anderson creek met and called it camp Anderel . I don 't know if they use it any more or not but I got into the first group of girls that was able to camp there . It was primitive camping and I loved it ! After we put our tents up ( canvas tents ) , we dug a trench around the outside of the tent . I ask why and waPosted by I remember when milk was delivered to your doorstep . The cream collected on the top of the milk and to get " red cap " milk , one would have to shake up the bottle . The cream could be poured out and then you had " skim milk " or " skimmed milk " . The glass bottles would be washed out and put back on the porch with a note rolled up in the top of the bottle with the next order on it . I remember listening to the radio on Saturday mornings for the kids shows . I remember a show called " The Shadow " . I think if was a mystery . I remember when the first T . V . came out . My Uncle Warren had one but all I remember is the " snow " that showed up on the screen . We got a T . V . when I was 12 years old . I loved Sunday night when Walt Disney came on . I loved to watch Tinkerbell ! Later on , we got a color T . V . I learned to type in high school . I used typewriters in college and don 't remember when personal computers came out . I remember when the first man flew around the earth . . I don 't know if I believe man went to the moon . If we were so successful going to the moon , why didn 't we go back ? The Shadow knows . . . We saw the skin Dr . at 9 : 15 AM and then went to H ' ville to the Apple store to return and get another holder for the IPhone . Dad might decide to swap it for an IPod . The IPod would do what he wants the IPhone will do except it won 't be a phone , too . I 'm glad my " toys " aren 't as intricate as Dad 's are ! I was a bit disappointed the operation was postponed . I guess I was pumped up for the event and now have to wait 4 weeks and hope all goes well . I gave all the children their Christmas checks to buy the grandchildren their presents . I didn 't feel like making anything this year and a check was easier to give . I stayed under the covers until late morning so I didn 't see the snow flurries . I heard about them on the radio . When I went out to drive to Karen 's house , the windshield had some ice on it ! I turned the heater and the windshield wipers on to get rid of it . I don 't have a scraper and I 'll need to get one . Frank was to have his operation tomorrow morning , but this morning , he woke up with 101 degree fever . The operation will be Dec . 30 . More waiting . Our study time was good tonight . After listening to the computer lesson , we discuss what our impressions are and then go on to talk about other things . We 'll be going to the Temple Thursday . I need to get my recommend updated soon . I 'm a graduate of the University of Alabama , class of ' 66 . I majored in music , piano and organ . I taught private piano lessons in Tuscaloosa for a year and then got a teaching job in Key West , FL . There I met my husband , Frank and four months later we were married . Have lived in Athens , AL since 1976 . My children grew up in Athens . My husband is bedridden now so I add the title of care taker to the title of homemaker . I never wanted to work outside the home . I enjoyed gardening until I got breast cancer in 2002 . I 'm not able to do much garden work now , and I miss it . I enjoy going to the Wellness Ctr . to exercise . I enjoy making greeting cards and usually make a card or two each day . I love getting together with my daughters , Trudy and Mary Kate and my grandchildren . My son , Frank , lives in Knoxville , TN , so I don 't see him often . He has 4 children . I enjoy being a grandmother . please keep it in order to retain your counter functionality Insurance quotes are the way to start looking for insurance . simply by putting attention to website offerring allstate insurance the purchace process can be optimized . The poor man died with a big collection of poor insurance quotes . free counter

Pedro and Lola hid in a cave far into the woods . They had brought Pedro 's hunting rifle , his father 's shotgun , ammunition and some food . Not much more . They knew about this cave from before . It was an old abandoned gypsy cave , quite a cosy place under other circumstances . A wooden door in the entrance , and a small window in the earth wall . Five men came . Two of them had uniforms of the Guardia Civil , the other three seemed to be peasants . They were looking for Pedro and Lola . They were moving up towards the cave , slowly , from tree to tree , from rock to rock . They seemed to know where they were hiding . Lola fired . Hit one of them in the shoulder . The ones still able to fight started shooting , retreating down the way they came from . Pedro could see them moving further down . They seemed to be heading back to town . Pedro and Lola needed to get out of there fast , they would be back . They got out and ran further into the forest behind the cave . They kept walking up towards the mountains . That night they slept outside . They had left the food in the cave , and they did not dare to light a fire . They were cold and hungry . Early in the morning Lola woke up to the sound of Pedro 's voice . From the depths of her dreams , reality slowly came back . A horrible reality she didn 't want . The dogs were coming closer . They could see them . Behind them they heard men shouting . Pedro and Lola started running . It was difficult in this rough terrain . Spines and branches cut their legs and arms . The dogs were right behind them . Out of the bushes a rabbit appeared . It ran just in front of the dogs , teasing them . Then it ran off down a dry river lair . The dogs followed . Pedro and Lola climbed up the hill , hid i the bushes . They could see the dogs far below . They were following a deer now , and the men were following the dogs . The rabbit could no longer be seen . Downwards it was easier , but they were even more visible . All night they walked . In the early morning a man appeared . He had a gun in his hands . For a moment they all froze . Lola held her hand tight around her weapon . The man signalled them to follow him . They looked terrible , their clothes were torn . Cuts everywhere . The man knew why they were there , and wanted to help them . Pedro turned around , looked towards where they had been coming from , as to make sure no one was following . He saw a little man sitting on a stone . A little man with a green hat on his head . The little duende waved , laughing , and jumped down behind the rocks . Pedro opened the door and went out to the barn . He had his goat inside now that winter was coming . He milked it , as he always did , and went back into the house . His father was sitting in front of the fire place , and his mother was in the kitchen . He went into the living room to his father . He was sitting reading a book . He was always reading when he wasn 't working . Pedro sat down on the old bench beside him . Lola was a peasant 's daughter , from a village nearby . She and Pedro met on a village party , she was there with her cousin . She was the most beautiful thing Pedro had ever seen . Less than a year after they got married . The next years old landlords were loosing land to the poor peasants . People were less hungry each day . It was a time of hope , but there was also violence . One day Pedro went out to the barn , as he used to . There was a full bucket of milk under the goat . It had had milked itself . Yes , all by itself . A creature was watching him from a pole in the ceiling . A little man , with pointy ears and a little green hat on his head . Pedro lifted his head . For a moment their eyes met . The little man seemed to be laughing . He turned into a bird and flew out of a hole in the wall . Freakinstone was a scientist , and he was crazy . Good old spickedly mad , as they said in the village . After the great destruction , science was still evolving , but at a personal level , like in the old days . He had learned from his father , and he had access to a lot of old technology from the great metal disposal area close to his old castle . He 'd started out with a beetle . Insects were easier , their cells seemed to regenerate faster , and there were more cells that were expendable . The battery assured energy . He pushed the little button . It didn 't move , just lay there . He had to have done something wrong . Somewhere in his calculations there had to be some kind of failure . He picked up his papers when he saw a movement in the corner of his eye . He stopped . Stared . Did the little creep move a leg ? He had moved on to small reptiles , lizards . They moved around , but were quite clumsy and stupid . He had some control over them as well . The first mouse was a great breakthrough . He needed them fresh , so he killed them himself when the electronics were already attached . They moved around more freely , and even though he had his remote they were harder to control than the reptiles , and much harder than the insects . They had more will somehow , if such thing even existed . He needed to complete his work . He needed a human . A human for him to control . It would be very practical to have someone to do all the work around here , so he could focus a hundred percent on his science . He dug up a body from the graveyard . A child , easier to carry . Several nights light could be seen in the tower of his castle . He worked without stopping until it was ready . He turned it on . It started moving a little . Ghhehehehennnsnsnam … . A strange gurgling sound came from the recently revived child . It sounded like it was in pain . Horrible pain . It didn 't move . No eye contact . Some shaking was all the movement he could see . This was no human . It was a vegetable . He turned it off , disappointed . Ah , Freakinstone ! Said the gravedigger . Nice to see you . Could you believe someone dug up a dead body the other day ? It was the Jeff and Alice 's kid , who died from a heart failure . Some people are just crazy , aren 't they ? They … What 's up ? You look strange … What are you doing with that kn … nooo ! Aaaahhh ! ! Help me ! ! ! Ahghhh ! Freakinstone turned the gravedigger 's carriage , poured out the dirt to empty it . He got the dead body into it , and hurried up to his old castle . He had to get started fast , before the body started to rot . Hello ! He said . I eh … You had an … accident ! That 's it , an accident . Now you need to rest . No . No - no - no ! You need to stay down and rest ! The gravedigger grabbed him by the throat . Lifted him up . Lay him down on the same bench he had been lying on himself . Choked him to death . He stood there for a moment . His eyes were blurry , like if the room was full of smoke . Or was it his brain ? He didn 't know . He couldn 't think straight . He felt nothing . Knew nothing . Or at least not much . Some blurry memories , but he wasn 't sure what they was . He wasn 't even sure if he was dead or alive . I stood there , waiting for his move . Trying to look as defenceless as I could , so he would underestimate me when he decided to kill me . One of us was going to die tonight . It wasn 't going to be me . No answer . He was just looking at me , as if he wanted it . Maybe that was it . Maybe he wanted me to put him out of his misery . It bothered me . Not much punishment in that . I preferred the ones who begged for mercy . At least I was going to make it painful . I needed to get out of there . The cops could be there any moment . Some neighbour might have heard the noise , though it probably was quite usual in this neighbourhood . This would be hard to explain . I turned around , took one last look at the macabre symbol on the wall . The face of the little girl was smiling as well . There was a strange glow from it . I got out of there fast . Running down the road I felt different . Like I had changed somehow . I still had the same urge for justice , the same urge for avenging anything wrong in this world . I still felt like the good guy of justice I always had considered myself , but I saw things differently now . I stood in the middle of the room , watching the horrible symbol in front of me . A little girl had been cut to pieces , hung up on the wall in a sinister figure . What was it ? Some satanic summoning ? A sect of some kind ? I hadn 't seen this symbol before either . Her head was in the centre , her legs and arms made a circle . Her hands and feet were placed outside the circle , making a square . There had been two other murderers following a similar pattern . First a young man . Second a woman . Now a child . Sick . I wanted to throw up , but I couldn 't leave DNA on the scene of the crime . The cops would think it was me . It wasn 't the first time I had mixed myself up in a crime investigation . The laws were not strict enough . They deserved to suffer and die . I did the sacrifice of being the executer . The torturer . The first murder I read about in the newspaper . The second I had gotten there before the police . I have my ways . That 's when I had understood the gravity of the situation . The woman had been spread out on the floor in many pieces . Her fingers had been laid out in some ancient letter . I had been studying it for days , trying to find out what it meant , where it came … without luck . This was worse . The face of the little girl seemed tor have died in horrendous pain and fear . The painstaking cutting of the pieces was … I shivered . This was even worse than I had expected . I got the little bottle out of my pocket , opened it with shaking fingers . I needed to calm down . The whiskey poured down my throat . It felt good , but it wasn 't enough . Someone had called me at home . It had been a strange phone call . They told me to go here . Why did they want me here ? How did they know I was looking for them ? Who were these sick bastards ? A man was standing there . He was about forty years old . He had a white medic coat covered in blood . Literally , I knew it was white only by a small part of the collar . In his right hand he held a knife . The big kind , to cut meat . That wasn 't the scary part . There was a great carpet dwelling above the world . Inside it . Around it . It was conscious , yet not intelligent . Awake , but it did not think . One , a spectre of selves , everywhere and nowhere . No one knew how it worked , not even itself . It was pure observation . It knew , but did not calculate . It felt , but did not care . It was existence . Reality . Nothing more . Nothing less . The old man sat by the window , looking out on the valley he 'd lived in all his life . He knew everything about that valley . Every little rock , every old tree stump . He loved it . The valley was the best place on Earth for him . He walked out on the porch . Watching the little lake . He knew the little lake . He the kinds of fish swimming in it . He knew how to catch them . He knew how which berries there was in the forest on the other side , which mushrooms he could eat and which ones he could not . He sat down on his old stool , as he had done so many times before . He knew a lot . He knew how the flowers bloomed at springtime . How the hills exploded in colours in autumn . He knew how it felt to love and he knew the pain of hate . He knew the arouse of glory , the deep sorrow of loss . He knew . He knew a lot . He was old now . Very old . He knew life was coming to it 's end , and he wasn 't sad about it . He 'd lived . He 'd had a rich life , with sorrows and laughs . He wouldn 't have been without any of them . Even the painful ones . Today he was looking out on the field in front of his house . Something dark was hanging over the grass . Over the trees . And he knew . He knew his time had come , he 'd lived for a long time now . And he knew there was nothing to fear . As death came , he closed his eyes and accepted . Time had come . The Void Project was going several times light speed through the emptiness of the Dipole Repeller . A void of emptiness in space . No stars . No galaxies . No matter of any kind . This was different . They were crossing total emptiness . Not so many centuries ago people had believed in a lot of restrictions . Light speed as an upper limit of velocity was one of them . They were proving that exploiting the energy of the void was the fastest way of moving man had ever known . The dark energy was inexhaustible . They were accelerating at an enormous rate , literally being sucked through space . Until now . There was no way to get a ship started in the extreme emptiness of the void . They were stuck half way through . No one had ever been in more trouble . C - captain … Said Rebecca . Captain Naufrago looked out of the huge energy field window in front . There was something there . In the total darkness ahead , something was moving . Eyes were staring at them . Eyes big as galaxies . Pupils dark as black holes . The instruments showed nothing , there was nothing around them at all . Still they could see it . Feel it . It was watching them . Something was there , and it was big . Vast as the universe itself . A strange sound of horror . The vessel was vibrating . Sound should be impossible in the total lack of substance they were in , but still , there it was . Darkness . Evil . They knew what it was . It was nothingness . Aether . Where gods could not exist , were souls were devoured by madness . Ronny was falling . He had a parachute on his back . He loved parachuting . He was going to pull the string quite soon , he just wanted to feel the wind in his face and the sensation of flying a little longer . That 's because you didn 't listen . I 'm quite a talker really . I shout when the storms throw your boats around , I whisper when the wind makes the leaves move in the trees … This had to be the biggest discovery in history . But would anyone believe him ? This could be his great chance , but he needed proof . Air kept chatting away . … I even talk on a silent summer day , if you just listened close enough . I talk a lot ! Just ask Earth . There he comes . Hey , Earth ! Tell hi … Today was Saturday , so he had all the day to do whatever he wanted . A fair was in town , so he stopped by it . He went alone . His friends were rather boring and only wanted to stay home and play video games . He 's walking around , looking . People throwing stuff at tin cans to win stuffed animals . Music from loudspeakers , music from carousels , all mixed in a symphony of noise . Children everywhere , parents trying to keep track of them . Colours . Lights . Do you want to know the future ? Her eyes are glaring . He doesn 't want to know the future , and he definitely does not believe she could tell him . Here ! A gift ! He doesn 't want the gift , either . Usually they want something in return in his experience . He backs away . She grabs his hand and puts something in it . Be careful ! He stood there , looking for her . She was gone . In his hand he held a crystal ball . Round and beautiful , the size of a big marble . It had small facets , plain surfaces , all the same size and form . Inside he could see something move , like if it had life . He peered closer . He sees himself . He 's running down a slope . He has the same clothes he 's wearing right now . He falls , stays on the ground holding his hands on his leg . It seems to be broken . He left the carnival . It had been fun for a while , but now he was tired . He wanted to go home . He wanted to get back to where he was living . Haha ! I 've outsmarted you this time , future ! He takes another way , crossing the big national road . He 's halfway across when he hears a loud low - frequence motor humming accompanied with a deep beeping sound . He turns . He sees a trailer coming at him at high speed . It 's the last thing he ever sees . Jaques was sitting in the cockpit of the train looking forward . It was late night , and he couldn 't wait to get home . Find a good movie online , and just relax until he fell asleep . Something strange could be seen in the distance . He stood up . At first he didn 't believe it , these things shouldn 't happen . But it was . Something was coming towards them on the tracks . Another train . It had no lights . He knew it was already too late . Marie and Jerome had gotten a first class ticket . There was good food , and the seats was comfortable . They were sitting in front of each other . Jerome had gotten the better seat , the one facing the way they were going . An elderly lady was sitting beside him . It 's not always safe , said the old woman . Jerome turned towards her . He had to concentrate not to laugh . Strange thing to say out of nowhere . Two trains went opposite directions on the same tracks . They say it was an insurance scam . That the company did it on purpose , and they got away with it , too . Lots of people died . Time seemed to stop when Jerome was mid - air . Everything was changed . The wagon . The people . The furniture was older , the seats had leather cover . The walls were made of wood . A man and a woman were sitting in front of him where his girlfriend just had been . The man had a top hat on his head . His head was crushed , skin floating in the airs as textile under water . Bones sticking out . He was smiling . The woman by his side had a white dress . On some parts . One of her thighs could be seen . It was just a bone , broken into pieces . It was a horrible sight . Reality came back . Like when you get your head out of the silence of the water . Jerome crashed into the seat in front . Marie 's food splashed out on her dress . The woman beside them fell on the floor . She screamed . Her arm was in a strange position , broken . The train had stopped . Jerome looked over to the rest of the passengers . They were all as confused as him . The lady with the broken arm was moaning . Jerome was helping her up in her seat . I guess we 'll have to get going , Jaques said after a while and went back into the locomotive . The train started slowly . Soon they were going again . No one spoke the rest of the journey . He was hanging from the tap he had been born out of . Hanging . Hanging . All he ever did was hanging . He liked hanging . He was made for hanging , and he never would stop hanging . He thought . Underneath him there was … A surface . It seemed to be of the same substance as him , only bigger . So much bigger it seemed to follow other rules . Other ways . He could not imagine this big surface hanging like he did . He was scared of the surface , but at the same time it intrigued him . He felt an urge to join it . To explore it . What was the Surface ? Why was it there ? Where did it come from ? He fell . Fell towards the Surface . He met it . Felt an impact . There was something underneath the surface . More of him . There was no longer him and the surface , it was only him . He was the surface , and the surface was him . Some day he would be part of other drops like the one he was before . He would be steam , he would be ice . Some day he 'd be part of the sea . After her father died things had gotten worse . Her mother never let her out . Ever . She didn 't go to school . She didn 't have friends . Most of the time she was locked up in her room , like now . Her mother would unlock the door when she needed her . Her only pleasure was to draw . To paint . The Ink . She wet the paper , as she always did . The contours of a tower took form in the glistening water . She dipped the brush in the ink bottle , took it down on the paper , moving it under the roof and down one wall where the darker areas would be . Then she let the ink flow . She loved how it moved . It was like it had a life on it 's own , like if she was the spectator . It was magic . The tower came to life . It was dark . She walked slowly , following the sound . She saw light coming out from under a door further down . She heard voices . Noises . Someone shouting . She knew that voice . Her mother . She couldn 't tell the words , but knew to whom ever she was shouting at , the words would be hurtful . She passed the door , down the dark staircase . She kept following the stairs . Another door . This one was open . She saw her father , dead on the bed . Her mother standing besides him with a knife in her hand . Her back towards her . She turned . Looked right at her . She closed the door and ran . On the bottom of the stairs there was darkness . She heard the crying clearly now . It was her father . She moved slowly , carefully . So much pain . So much sorrow . A light came on . A small flame in an alcohol lamp . She saw herself lying there . She held a rose in her hands . Her throat was cut . You have to go . Now ! His back still towards her . Run ! ! ! He screamed . She turned . Her mother was there . Floating , like liquid . Changing form . Dark , grey and black forms of evil . Laughing . The forms filled the room . She ran . She ran down a long hall . The walls were changing . Twisting . She could hear her mother 's evil laughter . Behind her , in front of her . Everywhere . A light . She ran towards it . Another door . It was closing . She threw herself at it . She fell into the daylight . Turned around , fast , as to defend herself . She saw their house . She was back in the real world , in their yard . The shadows were gone . Jane ? Her mother 's voice from inside the house , upstairs . . She was angry . Jane , where are ? I told you to stay in your room ! How did you get out , anyway ? The Moon was looking down on Earth as she always did . He was different these days . Lights everywhere . New things were orbiting him as well , just like she did . It was nice . It was lonely out there , all she ever had of company was rocks crashing violently into her . One day a new object moved up from earth . Another satellite , she thought at first , but it was heading straight towards her . It landed softly , unlike like the brutal meteors . In a friendly manner . She 'd never known anything like it . A creature came out . A strange little being in a white suit of some kind . He stepped clumsily down on her . It tickled . Another followed . They jumped happily around with such grace , such beauty . He pinned a stick in her . It stung a little bit , but she didn 't care . He could do what ever he wanted . After a while they went back into the little metal thing they had arrived in . It started shaking , flames came out of it . It burned her a bit , but she didn 't care about that . She didn 't want them to leave . No . Please don 't go ! Said Moon , but they did not listen . She saw them going back towards Earth , always so blue , green and full of life . How lucky he was , never alone . Maybe one day they would be back . Maybe , if she was lucky , they would even stay . He hated crows . They were always picking on him . Literally . His eyes were long gone . They sat on him . Shat on him . Mocked him in his failure of what he was meant to be . For many years he 'd stood there . He 'd never moved a toe , he didn 't even have one . He had no possibilities . No hope . The crows were eating his head . A crow was sitting on his shoulder right now . Nibbling on his neck . Sticking it 's beak into a hole where his ear would have been , pulling out the straws that would have been his brains . That 's when it happened . One of his fingers moved . After all this years , he moved a finger . He looked at his hand . This was the biggest moment in his existence . His hand shot out , caught the bird by it 's neck . The other crows flew away . They hadn 't expected this . The crow fell to the ground , his hand connected to it . It was shaking . He saw his arm ( yes , with no eyes , that 's how scarecrows with consciousness work ) , long , glittering in the light , moving like a … snake . It crawled out of the glove . It was a snake . The scarecrow watched as the snake devoured the crow slowly . He couldn 't move , after all . Stupid thing to believe , anyway . He was a scare crow . Things were better , though . He had a friend .

* Day 88 * Sigh ! Why does it seem like my week is so horrible when I have something important to do . We had our Young Women 's New Beginnings program tonight , and I was in charge of it . So , of course , nothing seemed to go well this week , and especially today . My speaker called last night to cancel , so I got to come up with a talk in addition to getting everything ready . But , I work with good ladies so everything turned out alright . I think it was actually a pretty good program . The good part was that I was able to earn my Young Womanhood Medallion , again . It was good for me to work on goals with my young women , and , as always , I learn a lot and feel good about what I 'm doing . * Day 87 * This is Logan sleeping . He is about 1 month old . We came to Logan to visit Matt 's mom . ( For the Super Bowl party . ) Well , we were in a strange place , and we had a new baby . And , Logan would not go to sleep . He was tired , but that isn 't always enough to get a baby to go to sleep . We had tried everything . I tried , Matt tired . Nothing was working . We were all getting very tired . Matt was laying on the bed with Logan trying to get him to sleep . He finally got so frustrated at the crying that he just set him on his lap . And , walah , Logan fell asleep . I don 't know how many hours we spent trying to keep him quiet so Matt 's mom could sleep . We couldn 't believe he just fell asleep like that , but we were relieved . We laughed at it after we had gotten some sleep ourselves . * Day 86 * There were only two granddaughters in our family when Rebeccalyn was born . So a girl was a welcome change . She 's a little girl who loves her princesses and pink . But , she can still hold her own among the boys when they don 't want to play princess . * Day 85 * First , Happy Birthday to my nephew Scott who turns 18 today ! For Scott 's birthday I want to tell a story about when he was little . One of my favorite Scott memories . We went to a birthday party for his brother , Josh . Josh got a bike for his birthday . We went down to the park with him and Scott . There was a little trail through the grass that Josh was riding his bike on . The trail was just where the grass had been worn away from kids riding their bikes there and was about as wide as a bike tire . Scott stood in the middle of the trail and yelled , " Hey , Josh , run me over ! " So , Josh being a good big brother , headed straight toward Scott . Well , Scott had a good plan . He was going to jump out of the way at the last second to avoid getting run over by Josh . But , Josh , being a good big brother , also had a plan . He swerved at the last second to avoid running over his brother , but still scare him . The bad part was that they both moved off of the trail in the same direction and so Josh did indeed run Scott over . Scott wasn 't hurt . Neither was Josh . Thanks Scott for the memory ! We still still quote that to this day . Good Luck out there as an adult ! It is also my brother - in - law , Gregg 's , birthday . The thing I like about Gregg is that he is level - headed . He has common sense , and can keep things in perspective . But the best thing is that his perspective can be very funny . He has the best subtle humor ! It makes him fun to be around . I always look forward to Gregg 's comments on a situation . Happy Birthday Gregg ! * Day 84 * Logan has always liked to help in the kitchen . Maybe because he started going to daycare at my sisters daycare when he was 10 months old . And Lynn in super patient with the children and can allow them to do all sorts of things that would drive normal people crazy . One of those things is cooking . She can handle letting the kids help , even if it turns out to be huge mess . Of course Lynn loves baking , and just wants to pass that skill on to others . So , Logan got to help with cooking at a young age . I try to let him help me , because I think it 's a good thing to teach your children . I think Logan just likes it because because he gets to snitch food . Well , my little brother , Steven , started going to Culinary school . We were way excited for him , and us . Shortly after Steven started school , him and Andrea came to Logan to visit . We were , of course , talking about food . Matt mentioned that he loved Hollandaise sauce , and Steven said he could make it . Well , one thing led to another and we ended up planning a breakfast for Steven to cook for the Cache valley families . Without making this last too long , I will just say that it was one of the best breakfasts I 've ever had . The food was great , and so was the company . After that Logan took an even bigger interest in cooking . He talked about Uncle Steven a lot . He wanted to be a cook too . And he thought I must have learned everything I knew about cooking from Steven . Like , when I said you can 't put metal in the microwave . And Logan says , " How do you know that , did Uncle Steven teach you that ? " That was a question I heard more than once . And the other . " Did you use Uncle Steven 's recipe ? " Every time I 've made french toast since Steven did . And , yes , I always use Steven 's recipe . For Christmas when Logan was six , his grandma gave him a chef set . Hat , apron , cookbook , utensils and pans . Logan loved it . His specialty has become scrambled eggs . He does a very good job with them . ( There was a recipe in his book . ) In fact the other night , I asked him what he thought we should haPosted by * Day 83 * Logan keeps asking me , " Has it been six weeks yet ? " This question frustrates me because he asks it all the time . Has it been five minutes ? Has it been two days ? I always have to ask , " Since when ? " Sometimes he knows and sometimes he doesn 't . This one I figured out . He was upset that the groundhog saw it 's shadow . He wanted spring to come . So he keeps asking if it 's been six weeks yet . He has a countdown to spring going on . Poor kid doesn 't realize that he lives in Utah and the term spring means nothing . The snow will stop whenever it wants too , and you may be wearing your coat until school gets out in June . You just never know . But , you know it 's not spring when the trees are sprouting icicles instead of blossoms . I 've never seen anything like this . The trees around our house are growing icicles . There 's no snow or water on them , the icicles are just growing out if the trees . We decided that it must be tree sap . So Logan offered to test it out . " These are the best icicles I 've ever tasted ! " They must be tree sap , because they are sweet . We have to pick one everyday on the way home from school . ( Yes , it is still below freezing here on the way home from school . ) It was just a weird thing we observed . Wanted to share it with the rest of you . * Day 82 * We had our state daycare licensing inspection toady . It 's always stressful . They come in and search your house to see if they can find anything dangerous to the children . Then they ask you a ton of questions about how you take care of the children . And then we get written up because they 've changed a rule and we are not in compliance . It leaves us wondering why we jump through all of these hoops just to feel like they don 't trust you . At least that 's how it feels . Sometimes it 's frustrating . But today it went great . We had no findings . So , no follow up visit . Yeah us ! The inspector was there and the kids watch her because she 's not normally there . They were asking questions about her , and I told them she came to check the house to make sure it is safe for all of them . ( OK , so this might not be an exact quote because I can 't remember how he said it . I 'll give you the jist . ) Diego says how glad he is that she came because he 's afraid of monsters , and he 's glad there 's not any here . Man , if she was just checking for monsters , it would me much less stressful . * Day 81 * Logan would wear his snoogi anywhere , especially today because I made him walk to church , and it was really cold . He wanted to help make dinner . He usually does . So he put on his chef hat . You can 't see it really well because he decided to put the colander on his head too . Unfortunately , the snoogi didn 't last long in the kitchen . Logan is afraid to get it dirty . Heaven forbid having to be without it long enough to get it washed ! And I was afraid that the sleeves would get too close to something hot and start a fire . At least you have the stove to keep you warm while your cooking . * Day 80 * I wanted to register Logan for soccer today so , I planned on walking down to the rec center this morning to sign him up . He was busy watching cartoons so he didn 't want to come until he found out I was walking . It looked like a beautiful day . Well , it was , but it was also freezing , as Logan kept reminding me for all 6 blocks to the rec enter . But , he kept going because I promised him he could look at the water after we were done . Thus , started our adventure . I learned something , every time I take Logan on a walk , I need to bring the camera . Logan doesn 't like to go for walks , he likes to go exploring . So , we went exploring , but I don 't have pictures . I 'm going to have to take Logan back and take pictures so I can post them later . But , I did get a funny story . So instead of pictures , you get a story . I was hurrying to get to the rec enter before registration ended . Logan decided at the last minute that he wanted to come . He hadn 't eaten his breakfast because he was so busy with TV . So I put his bread into a baggie so he cold eat it on the way . We were about a block from home , when he called to me . Now , I was in a hurry , so I 'm bugged that he keeps stopping . I turn around and he 's saying something that I can 't understand . He has a mouth full of bread , and he 's a little panicky . I can 't figure out what is up . Then , he 's trying to give me his bag of bread . I 'm asking him if he 's finished , or if he wants more , and he 's really not saying anything . I just don 't get what he wants or what 's going on , and I 'd like him to keep moving . But , now he is starting to cry . Then I look up . There is a big chicken in the driveway right in front of us . And , it 's walking toward the sidewalk . Then I get it . He is panicking . He is frantically trying to stuff his bread back into the bag and give it to me . He is afraid that the chicken is going to come after his bread ! My son can be very sensitive . I was proud of myself , because I held my laugh in so I didn 't hurt his feelings . When I finally realized his concern , I took his bread , Posted by * Day 79 * The other day in my blog , I mentioned I slept with a blankie when I was little . I loved it , and I still have what 's left of it today . I decided to post a picture . My blanket was lovingly referred to as my " picture blanket " . My mom made it for me when I was born . It has pictures on it that my brother and sisters and mom and dad colored . If you can see the pictures really well , keep in mind that Lynn was only five when I was born . Logan kindly pointed out that Sherry must not have been very old . I 'm the only child that has a picture blanket . I think that 's pretty cool . When Logan was born my mom made him a picture blanket too . His cousins and me and Matt got spots on his blanket . Logan still sleeps with his on his bed . He likes blankets and cats . I put away all of his baby blankets , but he found them , and insists that he needs some of them . He has several blankets and cats that he sleeps with . I can 't complain too much , he 's a good sleeper , and doesn 't complain about bedtime . Posted by * Day 78 * I didn 't know what to blog about today . Then I was out driving with my sister and I had an idea . I have a pet peeve ! No it 's not about my sister ( today ) . I 've spent a lot of time as a pedestrian . I have my pet peeves from a pedestrian standpoint too . But , today it 's a driver 's pet peeve . My pet peeve is pedestrians that either don 't know what the traffic signs mean , or just ignore them . In particular , when I have a green arrow , the little man on the sign still says don 't walk . Don 't cross the street and waste my chance to get through the intersection on a green arrow . Watch the little red hand , and wait for your turn ! That 's it . * Day 77 * I met Cassie for the first time when she was about 2 minutes , 8 seconds old . We were there when she was born , and she hasn 't been able to get rid of us since . Sorry Cassie , but we 're here to stay ! I love that Cassie can take the teasing we dish out . I 'm glad that we are still facebook friends . We told Cassie that we could make her regret letting us be her friends . But , we like Cassie enough that we probably won 't . That doesn 't mean we 'll stop teasing her though . We 've been teasing Cassie since she was small . Always there is the fact that she was scared of her uncles when she was little . She would run away from Roger , and wouldn 't come near Matt . One day , we were at my mom and dad 's , and Matt was sitting on the couch . All of the sudden , Cassie walked over and sat down right next to him . We all stared in amazement . Then we decide that she didn 't really know who she was sitting by . Sure enough , a minute later , she looked over , realized it was Matt who was there , and left . She doesn 't run away from Matt anymore . But , we always remind her of the time she did . Cassie , Have a great birthday ! We love the young woman you 've become . And we like being your friends . I have one question . When does the countdown for next year start ? ( Sweet 16 ! ) * Day 76 * I checked yesterday 's blog to see what day I was on . I read 75 . So , I got ready to put the day on today 's blog and almost wrote 80 . Either I 've been helping Logan too much with his skip counting , or it 's too late for me to be blogging . But , if I counted that way , I might catch up to Matt . I think I 've already gone over how Logan loves cats . I had a lot of stuffed animals when I was a kid , but I never cuddled up with them to sleep . I tried sometimes , but it just didn 't help me sleep . I had a blanket that my mom made me when I was born . My picture blanket . But , Logan he has slept with a cat forever . When his cat collection started growing , we had to limit the number of cats he could have in bed with him . He would often use them to keep him awake . I went in to check on him last night , and he looked so cute with his cat . Posted by * Day 75 * Well , since Matt kidnapped my blog yesterday , I took the day off . So , I didn 't do snoogi Sunday . I thought that would be OK , then we celebrated Valentine 's day . And now I have to post a snoogi post . Logan loved giving people little gifts for Valentine 's day . And his eyes just sparkle when you smile and hug him . It really is adorable . But , the best part for him was the gift he got from Grandma Platis . She gave him a kids snoogi . He was so excited to have this special , fuzzy , warm Valentine . Bonus : it came with fuzzy slipper socks . Backstory : I got fuzzy slipper socks for Christmas a few years ago . Logan loves them . Has even stole them out of my drawer to wear . I wanted to get him some . The last two years for Christmas , I have looked for some for him . They don 't make them for boys . I was going to get some in the girls department . You know , a kind of neutral color that a boy could wear too . They don 't have them . They are all girlie . So , I never found any for him . It 's OK now , he got some for Valentine 's . I will have to check in the morning to make sure he doesn 't wear them to school . He 's trying to show his socks too , but they blend in with his snoogi . I 'm glad this kid is so easy to please . * Day 74 * Kristy must have forgotten that I helped set up her blog which means I know her password . So now I am blognapping her blog and getting a little revenge ! For those that know Kristy well know that she is pretty competitive and that she likes sports . But after being married for 12 years I have come to an interesting conclusion . She is loyal to her teams but I have found that she hates teams more than she loves teams . For instance , she loves and supports the Utah Jazz . She will cheer for them and watch all the games that she can . But when they are playing a team she despises , she really hoots and hollers . But not for the Jazz , she hoots and hollers at the other team . She loves to hate her opponents . And that hate will continue forever . She still hates the Bulls and how long has it been since Michael Jordan played ? Here are her most hated rivals / opponents . Actually here are just four of them , I didn 't have room to list them all ! These are in no particular order and forgive me Kristy if I miss one . I am sure you will love the pictures I have chosen . Michael JordanNow Kristy will admit that she does have a little , tiny shred of respect for MJ . But he was a Jazz killer and she will forever hate him for shot . That and his disrespectful Hall of Fame speech where he was all " Me ! Me ! Me ! " Pau GasolSometimes she will mispronounce his name and call him Gas Hole . But that is probably the nicer of what she calls him . The guy is just ugly . Kobe BryantKristy hates the arrogance of this player . He is also known as a Jazz killer which definitely makes him a top player to hate . And she hates his smug look he gets when he plays . I tried to find a picture that shows it . Derek FisherShe did like him when he was with the Jazz but then he turned traitor and went back to the hated Lakers . Notice a trend here ? She hates the Lakers but she does like Kareem . Hmmmm . Go figure . But to be fair , she does love and support a few players too . There are a special few that she loves as much as she hates the fellas above . Most of them are Jazz men buPosted by * Day 73 * I love my boys . They are both so sweet . We had a family Valentine celebration because it would just be sad to leave Logan out . He really loves to love people , and likes to be a part of doing special things for someone . Although , he could probably be a little better at keeping secrets . ( I really have no idea what you bought with cookies at the auction last night Matt . Logan didn 't say anything that would have made me guess . ) I decided I would rather celebrate Valentine 's Day today , so I could rest tomorrow . I made a special dinner for my boys . Logan was excited that I put a table cloth on the table . Then we had dessert . Now I really don 't get tomorrow off because I have to clean my kitchen . But , anyone looking for a lat minute Valentine gift for me will know what they can do . . . . . . White Chocolate Oreo cake by mom . Cookie flowers by Logan . * Day 72 * Whew ! It 's been busy for a day off . We had our Young Men / Young Women fundraiser tonight . The youth wanted to do something different this year . They decided to have formal dinner for the adults in our neighborhood . They wanted it to be nice and romantic . They took care of babysitting and feeding all of the kids while the adults ate . I was in charge of cooking ; for like 90 people . I was stressing about when to start cooking , so that everything was ready at the right time . And how much to cook so we had enough , but not too much . I didn 't realize until the food was cooking , that I was also going to be in charge of how to get this food onto plates and served to people . Small details . Thank goodness our youth were very willing to help . They did an excellent job . We got a lot of compliments , and made some money to pay for camp this summer . The only bad part was that Matt had to eat his romantic Valentine dinner alone because I got stuck in the kitchen . And , his was the last order to be taken . And we ran out , so he was the only person that didn 't get what he ordered . Guess what I 'm making for dinner tomorrow ? * Day 71 * We went to Parent / Teacher conferences with Logan today . Nothing too surprising . He 's very capable of doing his work . If he can stop talking long enough to focus on it . He has very high scores on all of his content . I wish I would have been prepared going into the conference . It would have interesting to count exactly how many times his teacher said he needed to stop talking and do his work . Of course , he had nothing to say tonight . It 's probably the quietest he 's ever been in her class . Maybe she really wouldn 't mind if we came and sat in class with him . When Logan was younger , I never would have guessed that he would be a talker . He acted so shy . And he can never think of anything to say if you ask him a direct question . It 's hard being a parent and trying to get your kid to behave when you really have no idea what 's going on everyday . I guess this is my Karma . Sorry to all the parents I had to deal with when I was teaching . Posted by * Day 70 * Bear with me , because to tell the story of this picture , I first have to do a backstory . I 'll try not drag it out . My mom worked at Westridge Academy . This is a private school for troubled boys . Every year they do a fundraiser called the Scarecrow Festival . It 's a big carnival with games , food , rides , facepainting . It 's always around Halloween , so the boys form the school and other people will dress up . My mom used to take her grandkids even before she taught at the school . After my mom started working there , we always went to see my mom ( and because she would get us tickets ) . When Logan was three , I took him . We were talking to my mom when a group of boys came up . They had a quartet and were walking around singing to people . My mom knew the boys so she called them over to sing to us . Then she introduced them to us . One of these boys was walking on stilts . In future years , we would see a boy walking on stilts at the Festival . I didn 't realize what impact this had on Logan until I started hearing him telling his friends that his grandma knew a really tall kid . At first I didn 't know what he was talking about . Then one day , he trying to beat everyone elses story and he was telling about the really tall kid his grandma knew . Finally , I realized that really tall kid his grandma knew was the kid on stilts . Apparently he didn 't realize the kid was on stilts . He just thought he was really tall . A couple of years ago we were at the Scarecrow Festival with my family . ( We didn 't go last year because my mom got laid off . ) I was with Logan and he saw this " kid " walking toward us . He says , " There 's that kid grandma knows . " ( Meaning the really tall kid . ) I looked at who he was looking at , and I said , " No , that 's just Shawn Bradley . " Shawn Bradley is a 7 ' 6 " basketball player . He played in the NBA . At the time he was working for Westridge Academy . He was so tall that Logan thought he was the kid on stilts ! They might have been the same size . We didn 't see the kid on stilts that year . I think he graduated . They just hiredPosted by * Day 69 * So , I almost forgot I needed to blog . I 've been sick and in bed most the day today . ( Thanks to for Lynn for taking care of all the kids so I could go home early , and to Matt for keeping Logan busy . ) But , my Nyquil is starting to kick in , and I 'm not sure what will come out under it 's influence , so I 'm going to bed . See ya tomorrow . Hopefully well rested and feeling lots better . * Day 68 * As part of family night tonight , we ate leftover treats from the Super Bowl , and did some wii bowling . Logan has never bowled on the wii before . Me and Matt , well , we have , but it 's not usually pretty . We get frustrated about why our ball is curving a t the last minute and such . There aren 't always happy feelings in the room afterward . Logan can get really upset when things don 't go his way . So , we tried to prepare him for this . You know , reminding him that he 's never played before and it might take some getting used to , so not to worry if doesn 't do great at first . He 'll get better with practice . . . . . So , yeah , useless talk . He pretty much kicked our trash . His score was higher than both of our record scores were . He was the first one to knock down a strike . He danced a round the living room . Yeah , I think he had fun . I think I 'm going to have to practice while he 's asleep . I 've been looking up hints . That 's where I found this picture . For some reason , I didn 't think of taking a picture of him playing . Maybe next time . If I can stand his trash talking . * Day 67 * One of the things that made us laugh at the snoogi is that in one of their commercials they tell you that it 's great to wear at sporting events . They show a guy , in his snoogi , cheering for his team in the bleachers . I think I can keep myself warm at a game , without looking like a weirdo . Besides , I 've never seen one in my team color . I think this is as close as our snoogi is ever going to get to a sporting event . Logan and Matt cheering the Saints . Go Saints ! * Day 66 * Jessica got to come play with Logan today while her mom and dad went to a wedding . Logan has been counting down the days until Jessica is coming all week . Jessica was just as excited to be at Logan 's , and Matt 's . ( She doesn 't see Matt very often , but she loves him , and always makes sure to remember him . ) We played here for a while , and made some bread . Jessica is as much of a snitcher as Logan is , and I had to kick them out of the kitchen to keep them from eating all of the dough . Then we bundled ourselves up and headed to the park for some sledding . We had lots of fun . We popped two tubes and broke the handle off the sled . But then we just slid down the hills on our tummies . We made a snowman that Logan tried to destroy while Jessica was eating it . Jessica got cold so we headed back home . We splashed in some puddles on the way home . So , we were cold and wet by the time we got here . That was OK , Jessica brought some hot chocolate to share with us . Then Logan wanted to watch a movie . Him and Jessica sat on the couch under a blanket . Jessica kept saying she was cold , so I bundled her in another blanket . Then she fell asleep on the couch . She 's not that hard to deal with , when her mom 's not around . I saw this picture the other day . This is when me and Sherry taught our nephew Josh to put these round things from a game we never knew how to play on our eyes . I guess we think this is an important thing to teach our nieces and nephews . Check out what we did with Jessica today . Marbles on our eyes . Poor tired kids . I guess that 's my reward for taking them to the park . * Day 65 * We love Grandma Pauline . She 's an awesome grandma . She likes to spoil her grandkids ( and they love her for that ) , and has infinite patience with them . We 're glad to be part of her family . She is so thoughtful and generous . Very willing to help out others , and a hard worker . Besides she 's looking great these days ! She has found the willpower that I am lacking to get myself into better shape . Thanks to Jennifer for giving us the chance to get together and celebrate Grandma Pauline . Happy Birthday ! * Day 64 * Logan got into his art supplies one night and was busy cutting and gluing . He was busy and I was free , so I just let him keep going . Besides , it 's fun to see what he comes up with . He sat under the " craft " table while I was working one day just cutting any scrap of paper or material he could get his hands on . He came up later and served me a whole dinner made of cardboard . This night he was happy to be using the curvy scissors . He was creating , and at first I was following what he was making . Then he added this big black thing . I couldn 't figure out what it was supposed to be . Trying not to hurt his feelings , I did some probing . I found out that it was a garbage can . That 's when I realized that I must not have a very artistic eye . It looks just like a garbage can . I can 't believe I didn 't see it . I guess I just wasn 't expecting him to make a picture of a garbage can . I thought it was a great piece of art . Later I asked why he made a picture of the garbage can . He looked at me and said , " It 's a picture of my yard . " Duh ! He tells me he likes to draw , but not things , just draw . I told him that 's OK , a lot of people do that . It 's called abstract art . I think a garbage can is pretty abstract . Maybe he 's got some talent . * Day 63 * I know this is a weird picture . But , just wait , the stories that go along with it are funny . ( At least they were when they happened , I 'm not so good at conveying that in writing . I 'll do my best . ) In case you don 't know , I work at my sister , Lynn 's , house . She has run a daycare for years . I help her with her daycare and teach preschool . It 's been a great job for me . It 's fun , and filled with childhood wisdom and some pretty funny remarks . So , back to my picture . This is the heat vent in the basement . Preschool is in the basement . The bathroom is upstairs . When the kids are playing in the bathroom instead of washing their hands , you can hear it in the basement through this heat vent . It has come in handy to be able to hear what 's going on up there . And comical if you have a child who talks while " taking care of business " . Usually we just hear mumbling or noises , and it takes us a minute to figure out what it is before we remember someone 's up there . But one day . . . . . We had read the book " Brown Bear , Brown Bear , What do You See ? " Me and Lynn happened to be standing right under the heat vent when we heard a child in the bathroom talking . And they said , " White toilet paper , white toilet paper , what do you see ? " Me and Lynn looked at each other , and , of course , started laughing . I couldn 't stop . And I was a bit disappointed that I didn 't couldn 't stop laughing long enough to hear the rest . Or was I ? It also made me laugh the other day to find out that the kids have figured out the bathroom - basement connection through the heat vent . The kids were finishing washing their hands after snack , so I headed downstairs with the ones who were finished . Then plain as day , I hear Diego . " Jessica 's playing in the water ! " He actually got down on the floor and yelled directly into the heat vent to get help . Hey , who needs an intercom system ? * Day 61 * I saw these ducks in the tree next door . Not these exact ducks . I walked out the door and a bird flew over my head . The way it was flying I knew it was a duck . Then it surprised me by landing in the tree . I 'd never seen a duck in a tree . It happened a couple more times . Same looking duck , same branch in the same tree . I was never able to get a picture , so I just stared at it , noting it 's markings so I could look it up . Then , I went out the zoo to see if I could find these ducks . It 's the Mandarin Duck . Not native to this area , and they are perching ducks which would explain why they were in a tree . I guess that 's why I 'd never seen a duck perch , they 're not native to here . During the summer Logan had swim lessons in the morning . After swimming , we would ride our bike from the pool to Lynn 's for work . We would go along 400 West so we could follow the canal . It was scenic . One day we saw a beaver . We always counted the ducks . One day we counted 89 ducks in the four blocks . Around town , we have also seen a flock of wild peacocks , and a wild turkey . I enjoy watching our fine feathered friends .

I was reviewing the resolutions I made for this year , and they reminded me of that old saying : " If you want to make God laugh , tell Her your plans . " 2009 turned out to be a year of personal loss . I lost both of my writing mentors ; Jim in June and Jack Myers in November . The best avian vet in this region of the US left for Iowa in August ( and I 'm still upset about it ) . And , of course , I lost my most beloved Sugar Franklin , which I 'm pretty sure I 'll never get over . Yet , like any year or period of time it was not all bad or all the same . My three remaining parrots are healthy and spoiled . I got my bathroom remodeled and lived through the experience . My mother is in relatively good health and remains active . I still have a job . My first collection of poetry was finally published in October . I did a lot of decluttering around the house throughout the year and realized that I had a lot more room than I thought and it 's so much easier to find things . I made some new friends I hope are around for a long time . I regained some faith in our government during Obama 's first year . I learned to let a lot of crap go at work by just not caring anymore ( though I did have a melt down a couple of weeks ago , which seems to have set a lot of stuff in motion that should have been addressed a year ago , so maybe that was probably a good thing . Maybe ) . With less than three hours left in 2009 , what do I resolve for 2010 ? To keep my house and life clear of stuff I don 't need . To continue to love and care for my three parrots . Save at least a little money . Write more . Spend more time with people who love me . I think I 've made God laugh enough this year . This Charli 's favorite foraging toy . . . well , at least for today . It 's a small bird - safe cardboard box that has a tiny piece of chewable wood inside that prevents the lid from opening all the way . It opens just enough for me to put treats in and that she can see they 're inside . The rest is up to her . As you can see , she does her best . I just love her face when she finally chews it up enough to get to the almonds and Power Treats . Sometimes , as in this video , cardboard boxes need to be relocated . I was up late last night , which was okay because I figured I could sleep late Saturday morning . Except , of course , that I forgot that Nicholas does not believe any creature should sleep once the first molecule of sunlight appears . So , in response to continual chirping and calling and demands to get the cage covers off , I drug myself out of bed and took off the cage covers . Congratulated everyone on being all nice and awake . I watched the Bobbsey Twins scamper around their cage , then Flash decided it would be a good time to masturbate . Which he did , while Nicholas tried to preen him . Flash likes to hold onto one of Nicholas 's toys , a long rubbery bright pink spiraly thing , when he masturbates - - only it frequently slips out of his foot so he has to stop , grab the toy , readjust himself , and start over . This proves that no life is without its complications . Then I opened the blinds to see 2 finches and 2 female Cardinals at the bird feeder , and a never - before - seen - by - me bird at the suet cake . It had vivid sharp stripes of black and white , the tip of its head had a splash of red , and its breast was gray . ( Sidebar : If you aren 't already a member of Cornell 's Project Feeder Watch , do give it some thought . People all over the US note the birds at their feeders on specific days , which provides lots of data on migration patterns , numbers of birds , and other scientific stuff . Costs $ 15 a year and is fun to do . It runs from mid - November to April , but you only have to pick out a two - week period that 's convenient for you . Here 's the link . And no , they don 't fuss at you if you forget . ) Back to my post - - The bird feeder swings in the air , and as I watched , several more birds flew down to feast . Except this was not acceptable to the birds already there , so there ensued a no - nonsense air battle whereupon everyone flew away . I guess the birds could see my reflection in the window because they wouldn 't stay around long enough for me to get group pictures or do a mini movie . This picture was taken through the screen and glass , and you caat It 's been almost three weeks since Sugar Franklin died . I finally cleared out the cart her cage sat on , cleaned her cage , and put them both out in the little storage building . The suddenly cleared space seems enormous now and I 'm still getting used to it . There doesn 't seem to be anything I can put in that place - - not the play stand , not a chair , nothing seems to fit . When I come home I still catch myself looking for her . The other birds are sometimes glad to see me , sometimes not . But Sugar Franklin always ran back and forth , back and forth , in excitement to see me and hoping I 'd bring her out first . I 'm also slowly remembering to only get out two food dishes instead of three . I 've noticed that it seems to take a lot less time to feed my three remaining birds and that there is more time to pay them individual attention . I hadn 't been aware of how much time and attention I 'd given her . Nicholas seemed to miss her the most at first . For several days he kept giving me alarm calls ; when I would check on him he would turn his head and lean his little body toward her empty cage . They all seem now accustomed to her absence . My plan , when receiving Sugar Franklin 's ashes , was to put some into a pendant I could wear whenever I missed her too much . The rest I would bury under the tree where the bird feeder stands . I bought a wind flower ornament ( www . intothewind . com ) with bright colors that spin in the wind to mark her grave , but later I decided it might startle the wild birds . When I hired two guys to do some end - of - summer yard work , I had one of them dig a small deep hole for her grave . Later I looked at the pile of dirt and simply couldn 't bear to think of her ashes in that cold , wet dark place . Then I considered just holding the ashes in my palm and letting the wind take them . After all , she was a bird , a creature of the wind . But Sugar Franklin didn 't fly all that much , and I was always so afraid I might forget she was on my shoulder and go outside and lose her . What it came down to , I finally realized , was that she belongat This morning I sat and watched Sugar Franklin run back and forth , back and forth , in her cage at approximately 70 miles an hour , wanting out . I took her out and she 's now on my shoulder , helpfully chirping directly into my ear . She occasionally stretches out , first one wing and then the other . Her weight on my shoulder feels normal and solid . Sometimes she faces forward to chirp at the other birds , then she 'll turn around and chirp at the couch . It has been so long since she 's been this happy and active and vocal - - you 'd never know how sick she 's been . I am so grateful to the vets , the techs , my friends , and the Great Parrot Spirit that she 's still here to poop on my shoulder and chirp in my ear . I think I 'll go get the big bag of Nutriberries . She 's earned one . I 'm so proud of Charli . I would have posted this when it happened , but I 've been too busy with other stuff . Our routine in the morning is for me to uncover the birds . Charli demands a little scritch to start her day ( unless she 'd rather bite me ) , so I unlock the cage , scritch her little head , lock the cage , and go on about my business . One day a week or so ago I got home from work and said hello to all the birds . I went to Charli 's cage and saw that the door was open ! She was in her Hide ' n Sleep , looking at me casually , as if I always leave her cage door open . Evidently I 'd forgotten to close and lock it that morning . I examined her closely to be sure she was all right , then I went through the house to see what damage she might have done while I was gone . Nothing was damaged or out of place . It was as though she didn 't leave her cage all day . I 'm a lot more careful in the mornings now . Just in case . In this picture she looks like she 's been in a fight . The real story is that she had a tiny nick in the air sac behind the vein while having blood drawn at the vet 's . This air sac circulates through the head and usually heals / closes very quickly , but not in this case . She has blood in her beak and her nares , but she 's okay ! This should clear up in about a week . She 's eating like a pig , drinking healthy amounts of water , producing perfect poops , and bossing me around - - just like always . I 'd taken her in to check on her uric acids ; first time since that awful few weeks back in June . Unfortunately , her levels this time were 21 ; normal is 10 . This means we have to go back to meds for some indeterminate time . We 're not starting this week in order to give her time to clear up the blood issue . I sure do dread giving meds , but I 'm glad she 's doing as well as she is . Parrot Musings recently discovered that one of their parrots loved cucumbers , so I decided to try some with Charli . I took her into the kitchen and I could barely keep her away while I peeled the cucumber . She loves peppers and corn and green beans ( raw or cooked ) and peas and various other vegetables , plus almost every fruit I 've offered , but we 'd never tried cucumbers . As you can tell by the picture , Charli thinks cucumbers are just wonderful . So I foresee lots more cucumbers in the house . I arrived at 3 : 05 . Because the skies threatened rain everything had been moved indoors of the Carnegie Center for Literacy & Learning . It 's a big stone building that once served as our city 's only library , financed by Carnegie back when Carnegie financed libraries across the nation . The main room was full of chairs , as was the center room . There were a few people there , but I saw Mary Ann right off . We hugged for a long time and just looked into each others eyes - - hers blue , growing faded . So many tears behind her ; I hoped there were fewer ahead of her . We chatted for just a moment , then someone else came up to us so I let her go . The first two rows had papers marked " reserved " on them , and I considered sitting in one of them . Who would stop me ? Who was to say who the seats were for . But , of course , I didn 't . The people sitting in the chairs and milling around all seemed to have an air of privilege about them - - they were personal friends of Jim , they were in his class , they were the singled - out students invited out to dinner , they alone knew how special he was . . . It brought back all that anger and angst I used to feel for all the people around here who seemed to hold themselves above me , back before I learned it was usually me holding myself lower than others . Today , they could all be as special as they wanted . I had nothing whatsoever to prove to any one any more , even myself . I wandered into the Writers Resource Room to peruse the selection of literary magazines . A young woman and man followed me in , holding a huge bundle , which turned out to be movie - poster - sized photographs - - one of him as a child , a few more of him as an adult , and some he had taken . The couple began putting the photographs on boards to hang them upstairs where the reception would be . After awhile I went back out into the main room and saw all the seats filled , and people were lined up to the doors , waiting to sign the guest book . I walked beside the rows of chairs , seeing who I could see , if there was anyone there I knew , anyone from all those endless classes . A woman motioned to me ; I knew her face but absolutely could not remember her name or place her as a writer or student . I shook my head , embarrassed , because it was clear she knew me well . Shameful amazement ran through me . Of course ! She said she and her husband were friends of Jim 's and Mary Ann 's . But how could I have not recognized her ? We chatted a few minutes , and I remarked how calm she looked ; she said she 'd just gotten a massage . She was sitting beside S , who was in my first poetry class when I taught those few classes at Carnegie . She saw my Vermont tee - shirt and talked about how she 'd spent a month one summer in Stowe , Vermont , doing nothing but writing poetry . I saw C ( publisher ) at the guest book and went to him . I told him that B had offered some of her art work for the cover of my book . I hugged him and told him he had no idea what it meant to me to be getting the book published . " Well , it 's good work , " he said . We parted and I saw two women smiling at me - - but again I had no clue who they were . I suspected they were L and A , but I couldn 't be sure . If it was them , it had been over 20 years ago . I smiled back but I didn 't want to get in a conversation with them . Or anyone else . I stood in the middle room for a moment , looking at the line of people that now stretched to the outside . I don 't like crowds . Recordings were being played : some 50s French song , the Stones ' Wild Horses . I realized I was the only person in shorts - - what had I been thinking ? It occurred to me then that the event was becoming , for me , an exercise in who knew who , a sort of old - home - week event . Jim deserved better of me . I didn 't want to stay and cry all afternoon , which I knew I would if I stayed . Wouldn 't I honor him better by going home and writing ? Hadn 't I 'd already seen the most important person there - - Mary Ann ? Maybe these were just rationalizations I was giving myself , but they made perfect sense to me . Back to the vet 's this morning for hydration , meds , and gavage . It waa also time to do bloodwork to see if her uric acid levels were bad . I thought she was so much worse that all day I tried to prepare myself for the inevitable euthanasia . I went back to pick her up this afternoon , and the vet said all her bloodwork came back normal . Normal ! I can cut out the morning meds and assume all is well . She said to watch Sugar 's weight and , of course , call if I think there 's a problem . It 's a miracle . There 's no other way to explain this past month . My baby is going to make it , and I don 't care if that is false hope or not . She 's going to make it ! We all knew this was coming , but when Charlie casually mentioned he 'd heard hospice had been called it was still too much for me to hear . I called his wife and left a short message but they both already know how much I love them . There 's nothing left to say . What I will remember is his laugh and the clear way he always pronounced my name , each syllable crisp , his long discourses on poetry and literature and ego and ego - lessness . If you 're not risking anything , he would tell us in those late afternoons , don 't bother to write . He wanted us to come to the page naked and honest , perhaps for the first time in our lives . If you 're not risking anything . . . Too easy , I guess , to say that he made it safe for me to finally risk in my work . During our first conference he said he took me seriously as a writer - - the first person who ever had . Over the years I took everything he had to give me , greedy for more without much idea of ever being able to pay back . My first and probably only book of poems is dedicated to him , but it probably won 't be published in time for him to see it . That night so long ago at Tolly Ho 's , Carole and Tina and Jim and I sitting around , on our fourth or fifth pitcher , talking about rock ' n roll , and Jim turning to me to ask , " You 've been awfully quiet . What do you think ? " And I said , " I was just thinking that I love you . " I saw the tears in his eyes and flustered I went on , " I don 't mean , you know , . . . " I got up to go to the jukebox to play some Fleetwood Mac song to cover up our embarrassment . Safe journey , my friend . Safe journey . April 1935 - June 25 , 2009 When all the birdies are out I naturally leave their cage doors open so they can go back when they want . I have decided that eating another parrot 's food is the highest honor a parrot can give to another , because that 's what all the birds in my house do . Eat each other 's food , especially if it 's the exact same food in their cage . A few weeks ago the birds were out , and Charli made one of her little treks to Sugar 's cage ( Sugar was sitting on my shoulder , out of Charli 's way ) . Charli casually ate her fill of Sugar 's pellets , then settled in to look out the window for awhile . About five minutes later I glanced over at Charli and see that she is at Sugar 's water bottle , having a drink . As I watched , Charli then proceeded to stick her head against the little ball in the water bottle spout . She kept rubbing her head against it , releasing water on the top of her head . She twisted herself this way and that , doing her version of the rain dance , for about three minutes . Now the water bottle doesn 't release a big stream of water , just a little bit , so when Charli was finished she had a patch about a half inch by an eighth inch of head feathers thoroughly soaked . And that was all . Finally satisfied she calmly sauntered back to her cage to preen , having completed her toilet for the evening . I think I would give anything to know what goes on in a parrot 's head . Today Sugar Franklin solicited scritches from me ! She has allowed me to scritch her two or three times since she got sick , but she hasn 't jumped on my chest and bent her head and solicited scritches in over a month ! I figure it 's for one of four reasons : she truly feels better and is getting back to her " normal " self , she is going to die tonight and is giving me a poignant goodbye gift , she thinks if I scritch her I won 't be able to give her meds , or I will quit practicing piano if my fingers are busy scritching . Right now she is on the back of the couch , napping - - with her head turned backward and firmly tucked in her feathers . Happy , happy , happy ! ( but I stiil practiced pat The night I made my last post Sugar was quiet and spent the night in the corner of her cage nearest me , no chirping , no fussing . Whatever was going on was not related to a hard molt . I slept very badly on the couch beside her cage . I was at the vet 's the next morning the moment the door opened . By four o ' clock the verdict was in : renal failure , be prepared for the worst . I don 't want to talk about how devastated I was or how I wandered around the house , completely lost . The plan was to gavage and hydrate her and for me to bring her home Monday - - if she lived that long . But she did , and she did so well that the vet encouraged me to take her home on Sunday . I took her in for bloodwork on Tuesday ; tests came back astronomically better but still very bad . The vet said Sugar was proving her wrong on all counts , and she had her fingers crossed for us . While we were there they hydrated and gavaged her again . Because her kidneys aren 't working well the uric acid is building up , leading to gout . Her left foot is painful and she doesn 't bend it . She is still perching but it 's hard for her to climb . The vet explained there 's not much to be done about the pain that wouldn 't shut down the kidneys . And when things get so bad from pain I 'll have to have her euthanized . I think I 'd cut my own life short rather than have her suffer unnecessarily for one second . At home I have to give her three meds in the mornings and four meds in the evening . She hates this . I hate this . She is only eating between 5 and 9 grams of millet a day , and drinking such a small amount of water it 's heartbreaking but she 's got to have fluids to help her kidneys . I 've been giving her watery formula via syringe while I do the meds , mixed with some Pedialyte . It 's torture for both of us but I 'll do whatever I have to . I 'm afraid I 'm not getting enough fluids into her . I don 't think she 's doing well at home at all , and I 'm afraid all the meds I give her are dribbling down the side of her beak since I only have two hands to hold her and the syringe and try to prat I opened Sugar 's cage when I got home today , but she stayed on her perch . I left the door open in case she changed her mind while I went around doing after - work stuff . Later I picked her up and was astonished at how light she felt . She hadn 't felt that light last night . I weighed her - - 94 grams . Her normal weight flucuates between 98 and 101 . She 's been having a very hard intense molt this week , so I 'm hoping that 's all this is . I gave her a big spray of millet , which she pounced on like she was starving . For just a few minutes . Then it was back to her perch - - only she seemed to move weakly and not as certainly as she usually moves . Now she 's sitting on my shoulder , her little eyes closed , both feet firmly planted on my gown . If she hasn 't perked up by tomorrow , it 's back to the vet . This little 11 - year - old bunch of yellow feathers is breaking my heart . Here is Charli , my African brown - headed parrot , chewing up my copy of Will Shortz ' Little Black Book of Suduko . Don 't worry - - I 'd already worked all the puzzles , and she doesn 't ingest any of the paper . Sometimes she gets so involved in chewing that her little feet actually come up off the surface . This is her favorite toy ( after me , of course ) . at Little Flash and Nicholas showcased tonight ! Let 's see - - Sugar Franklin acted ever so slightly distressed on Saturday ; tail bobbing just a tiny bit , sleeping a lot . She 'd laid an egg on Tuesday , so I knew there was another one on the way despite my very best lectures to her . The vet 's office closes at noon on Saturday so I rushed her in , whereupon she perked up enough to make a liar out of me . She was about 5 grams heavier than usual , and the vet felt the mass without a shell . That one only cost me $ 55 , but I 'm made of money , you know . She laid a perfect egg on Sunday morning , whereupon she 's been her usual feisty aggravating self . Work has been quiet this week ; my supervisor is on vacation . Thank you , God . The weather is typical for us this time of year . Seventy degrees one day , snow the next . It rained most of last weekend and was warm this week , but they 're warning us of snow for the weekend , I 've been having all kinds of epiphanies ( I don 't think that 's spelled right ) related to my piano lessons . My self - talk is not good , and I 'm way too hard on myself and get frustrated because I can 't " do it right , " which leads to more negative self - talk , which leads to more frustration and the growth of nine extra fingers , none of which will strike the right key . O is going to Europe for three weeks , and she gave me three weeks ' worth of homework . Mostly scales , which I hate , but these are supposed to help me learn to play with hands in one position and then lift my hands to move to another position . This sounds so easy I imagine my two readers are lifting their eyebrows , but believe me it is incredibly difficult to move and get your fingers all arranged in a completely different position within the space of a quarter note . Even though she always insists I go as slow as I need to , but still . Last week 's lesson included a song in which I was to play stacco ( short , clipped notes ) with my left hand while playing legato ( smooth and connected ) with my right . At the same time . I simply could not and still can 't do it . O and I had a reat I 'm taking tonight off from piano practice , laundry , writing , cooking , and anything else I 'm supposed to do . I took some pictures of my beloved Sugar Franklin , and I 'm going to try to upload a little video . This may be the video that ends with me tilting the camera up to the ceiling , but I don 't know yet how to deal with the software to fix that . Keep your fingers crossed ! Been raining all day . Spring rain but still rain . I 'm seeing someone at the credit union Monday about refinancing my house . He said on the phone he didn 't think rates would go down much more so I guess I may as well do it and get it over with . I seriously doubt I 'll ever get this house paid for . I applied for an online instructor position with a local community college , and got hired on the condition I went through the Blackboard training . I kept having technical problems - - their system wouldn 't accept my password - - so the woman who " hired " me said since I was having problems I should take more time to learn more technical stuff as well as Blackboard . Their system won 't let me in and she says it 's my problem . OK . Suddenly the system is now working so I finish my online Blackboard training and take the certification test , and miss one question over the limit . Then I disappear from the system . I ask what happened and now get told they couldn 't let me teach now even if I had passed the test because I have no online experience teaching ( this is not quite true , but they decide to ignore that ) nor enough training . I asked how exactly I 'm supposed to get this experience and this extra training , and she tells me " You 're an intelligent woman , you know what to do . " Yep . I am an intelligent woman and I know when I 'm getting jerked around . So I 've wasted a ton of time and the cost of having transcripts mailed to them - - for nothing . But there are other community and business colleges that offer online classes , so I 'll apply to them , too . Meanwhile , things are quiet at work . For awhile anyway . Tomorrow is my mid - year review , and I dare my supervisor to say one damn word to me about that awful situation with that awful woman . My supervisor told me months ago it wouldn 't be reflected on my evaluation , but my supervisor is not exactly what you 'd call trustworthy about that kind of stuff . We 'll see . The administration has sent around a survey to measure employee satisfaction . What a joke - - we 've done this several times before and noat Busy , busy , busy , which is not really an excuse ( except that it is ) for not making an entry sooner . Had a really good piano lesson tonight with O . I actually managed to do a decent job of a murderously difficult ( for me ) piece . I made up my mind about what I would be willing to pay to have a water line installed so I could have ice and cold water from my new frig . When I got a quote from my plumber it was exactly what I was willing to pay ( no , I hadn 't given my plumber a hint ) . Now I can say it 's worth two or three times what I paid to have it hooked up ; I love it . I finally bought a digital camera ! It takes great pictures and videos , though I 'm finding the videos hard to upload because they 're so big . But I plan to do more when I get a chance . I really enjoy taking pictures of my babies with the 12X optical zoom . Now - - about the neighbors ! Continuing line of different cars and trucks coming and going . One day I noticed that one of my fence planks was nearly rotted and broken , and the neighbors had put their trash containers in front of it to help keep their dog in . So the next time I saw the man I told him I would get a new plank and replace the broken one . He said he 'd be glad to nail it up if I 'd lend him a hammer and some nails . So last Saturday I went beside his house with the plank ( I was going to do it myself ) , and called nicely to the dog tied up in the backyard . When he started barking the young black woman came out and warned me off until she got the dog inside . The man came out and offered to nail up the plank . I ain 't no fool about work - - so I let him . Turns out his name is Milton and he 's got 8 children . When I asked him if he ever found out what was causing it he burst out laughing . I asked where he worked , and he said he was on disability . Turns out he 'd been shot something like 9 or 10 times during a home invasion crime wave we 'd had a year or so ago . " I drove into my garage and there they were , " he said . " I gave ' em my wallet , thinking that 's all they wanted . " It was then I realized all the scars on at Busy , busy , busy , which is not really an excuse ( except that it is ) for not making an entry sooner . Had a really good piano lesson tonight with O . I actually managed to do a decent job of a murderously difficult ( for me ) piece . I made up my mind about what I would be willing to pay to have a water line installed so I could have ice and cold water from my new frig . When I got a quote from my plumber it was exactly what I was willing to pay ( no , I hadn 't given my plumber a hint ) . Now I can say it 's worth two or three times what I paid to have it hooked up ; I love it . I finally bought a digital camera ! It takes great pictures and videos , though I 'm finding the videos hard to upload because they 're so big . But I plan to do more when I get a chance . I really enjoy taking pictures of my babies with the 12X optical zoom . Now - - about the neighbors ! Continuing line of different cars and trucks coming and going . One day I noticed that one of my fence planks was nearly rotted and broken , and the neighbors had put their trash containers in front of it to help keep their dog in . So the next time I saw the man I told him I would get a new plank and replace the broken one . He said he 'd be glad to nail it up if I 'd lend him a hammer and some nails . So last Saturday I went beside his house with the plank ( I was going to do it myself ) , and called nicely to the dog tied up in the backyard . When he started barking the young black woman came out and warned me off until she got the dog inside . The man came out and offered to nail up the plank . I ain 't no fool about work - - so I let him . Turns out his name is Milton and he 's got 8 children . When I asked him if he ever found out what was causing it he burst out laughing . I asked where he worked , and he said he was on disability . Turns out he 'd been shot something like 9 or 10 times during a home invasion crime wave we 'd had a year or so ago . " I drove into my garage and there they were , " he said . " I gave ' em my wallet , thinking that 's all they wanted . " It was then I realized all the scars on at Brian Wilson , from Damascus , Maryland , suffered life - threatening injuries in the accidnet ( sic ) 14 years ago . He also lost his ability to speak . But he now claims that the chatter of pet parrots confounded the bleak outlook of doctors , who were convinced that he would spend the rest of his life in bed at a nursing home . " Two birds taught me to talk again , " he said . " I had such a bad head injury I was never supposed to talk any more than a two - year - old . " But two of the birds that he had had as pets since he was a child " just kept talking to me and talking to me " . " Then all of a sudden , a word popped out , then two , then more . " To show his gratitude to the birds who helped him on the path to rehabilitation , Mr Wilson has devoted his life to feathered pets whose owners are no longer able or want to keep them . He now shares his home with about 80 brightly plumed exotic birds , from snow - white cockatoos to scarlet or blue and green macaws to African grey parrots . He has set up a foundation called the Wilson Parrot Foundation , which also offers the services of the birds to entertain at birthday parties and corporate events . " You wonder why I rescue birds ? They helped me to talk again , so now I take care of them , " he said . from 2 / 27 / 09 telegraph . co . uk Well , the last update saw us with a statewide emergency situation of an ice storm . Then it snowed about four inches . Then , in a day or so , it turned 60 degrees for a couple of days . Typical weather around here . It was 50 degrees here this afternoon , and by 7 we were having a mini - blizzard so thick I could barely see to drive home from the movies with a friend . Let 's see - - last week my 14 . 5 year old refrigerator died , which I did not appreciate . I 'm used to appliances lasting and lasting and lasting . But , as my cousin reminded me , appliances today are loaded with features and mostly made in China . So I bit the bullet and bought a new one . My old refrigerator was very wide and the door wouldn 't open completely all the way without hitting the stove ( I have a pitifully small kitchen ) , but I just put seldom - used stuff on that side . So I bought a side - by - side with ice / water dispenser , even though I don 't need or really want them . The only models they had without the dispenser was $ 1 , 400 - - no , it doesn 't make sense to me either . I don 't have a water line set up for the dispenser , so I 've called my plumber to see how much that would cost . He hasn 't called me back , which makes me think it 'll cost way more than I can afford . Lucky me , my income tax refund will pay for the frig . It took a week for the frig to be delivered , and I threw out everything - - most of it old anyway . And today went grocery shopping . It ain 't easy living without a frig for a week , and I had to refill my cooler every day . Everything else is about the same . I 've been really busy with superiorparrot . com ( y ' all send your pictures in now , ya hear ? ) , and the chorus and just general life stuff . Every evening I wonder why I want to learn how to play piano when I hate to practice so much , but O keeps after me and I 'm very slowly progressing . I don 't really mind practicing when I 'm actually sitting at the keyboard , but it 's so hard to make myself go do it . And my fingers keep getting confused about where they 're supposed to be . O laughs and says it 's my brain tat I 've started a little routine with my brown - headed parrot Charli . When it 's time for bed , I cover up three sides of her cage . She likes to hang upside in the dark corner of the cage and watch the procedure . One night , who knows why , I gently touched one of her toes while she was hanging upside down and said , " One Charli toe ! . " Then I touched the next toe and said , " Two Charli toe ! " , and so on . When I got to " Eight Charli toe ! " I said it in an excited voice and patted all of her toes clinging to the bars of the cage . Then I told her it was sleepy time ( code words ) and pulled down the fourth cover of her cage . She doesn 't like her feet touched , but she tolerated this well . So I did this the next night , and she seemed to like it . Or at least tolerate it - - as you would the ravings of a lunatic - - no harm , just wait till it 's over . Now , of course , it 's a nightly ritual . When I forget and start to pull down the last cover , she 'll chirp and look at me , upside down . So I have to go play Charli Toes with her . It 's very sweet . A friend of mine saw me do it one night and she just laughed . She has parrots , so she understands how insane they make us . This morning I awoke to the trees being coated with an inch of ice , branches bowed down to the ground . Some of the branches were touching my house and there was an occasional whoosh and crack as more limbs broke off . We got two more inches of snow on top of the inch of ice . And , of course , the power went back out at quarter past noon . I waited until about 3 , then packed up the birds and went to C 's house . The utilities company said power was out for over 500 , 000 in the state and they expected it would take two weeks before power would be completely restored . Around two ( and the main reason I left ) the young woman from next door came over to ask again if I was all right because they were leaving again . She handed me a piece of paper with two numbers on it - - " my grandma 's number " and " my number . " No names , which wouldn 't do me any good anyway , since I don 't know my neighbors ' names . I aged about 30 more years after this encounter , just as I did last night . But C 's husband explained to me that the city was urging everyone to check on their neighbors if they were elderly or if they lived alone . So I 'm going to assume they were nicely checking up on me because I live alone rather than thinking I 'm old , old , old . Very kind of them and I suppose I need to ask their names . sigh . . . It was tricky getting out of my subdivision but once I got onto the main roads I was okay . The temperatures were around 30 and the main roads were wet and blocked with the occasional fallen limb . But the temperature is dropping to the 20s and the wet roads are frozen . About the only way I 'll know if the power is back on my house is to drive over there , and I 'm not too eager to do that on frozen streets . So C and I and three of her daughters and her green - check conure are watching Youtube . And giggling . Her umbrella cockatoo is trying to sleep under his covers beside the kitchen table where we 're all gathered . My babies are in their little travel cages in the basement with their covers over them . Soon I 'll be down there with them to sleep on that I 've been home since Monday afternoon with some version of sinusitis , laying on the couch taking antibiotics and decongestants and occasionally cruising the internet until it 's time for another nap . We had an ice storm here last night - - about an inch of ice over everything and maybe half an inch of snow . Everything looks lovely - - from inside . The local TV people kept telling us this afternoon that tonight would be seriously worse than last night and to not go outside if possible . I took them at their word . Many areas of the city were without power . Because I work in a hospital I 'm expected to be at work no matter the weather or conditions ( though they do draw the line at risking your life to get to the office ) . Even though all I do is shuffle papers , I 'm still expected to be there . So I felt a little guilty that I was home sick while all this awful weather was happening , and knowing how my co - workers were scraping ice off their cars and braving the icy roads . Plus you 're never allowed to take sick leave during a weather or other emergency unless you have " proof " of illness . But I have the receipt from the doctor 's office and my little cache of drugs as proof to anyone . I was laying on the couch , not watching the TV that was on , when the power went out . I had already put the birds to bed , i . e . , put the covers over their cages . I had my laptop in my lap so I used its light to make my way to the hall closet where I had put my big flashlight . Except that it wasn 't there . I help my laptop at different angles to search but finally gave up . I found one of those cheap round battery - operated lights you 're supposed to be able to stick on your walls , but they never worked long for me . But this one worked . And I did manage to find my Black & Decker SnakeLight , which I love . Back to the couch I went , when I heard something crunching through hard snow across my front yard . Then someone began banging on my door . I took my little round disc light , opened the front door , and shone the light at the person there . It was a young blackat Another woman missing tonight , according to the evening news . She was last seen two days ago , arguing with her boyfriend . It seems to me there have been a lot of missing and murdered women making the news around here for several months now . One had dementia and was found frozen to death . One owns a farm and was last seen with a handy man who 'd been recently fired . A woman and her children shot and then left in a burning house . Six months ago it was horribly abused and neglected children making the news ; many of the children died a day or so after being rescued . And of course neighbors come out of the woodwork and claim they knew the abuse was going on , and that they had repeatedly reported it , but no action was ever taken or social services would investigate and determine all was well . What the hell are our social services doing ? My mother lives in a small town , and she told me one afternoon about two little girls who lived with their parents in a trailer a few blocks away from my mom . The little girls were not allowed to wear panties . A local church , knowing how poor the family was , gave the girls several new dresses , which the parents immediately took back to the store and got the money for . Presumably to buy drugs - - according to the grape vine . I called state social services and said I suspected the girls were being sexually abused , that not allowing a girl to wear panties is not what you 'd call healthy and normal . And you know what I was told ? That no investigation could happen because it might be a religious belief to not wear underwear . The incident of returning the dresses was explained as the parents ' right and since I had not seen any drug use or purchase the agency had nothing to go on . From what I understand , the father was arrested for drug abuse a few months later . This was about a year ago , and my mother has no idea what happened to the wife and girls . Or the father . My mom 's been in the hospital about fifty miles away since Thursday morning with suspected pneumonia that turned out to not be pneumonia butat Nice cold Sunday afternoon . Just a touch of snow . Yesterday I had breakfast with the woman who was my best friend back in junior high ( no , we didn 't have middle school back in the Dark Ages ) . She showed me pictures of her six grandchildren and caught me up on forty years of her history . Then I caught her up on forty years of my history . She and I work for the same university medical center , but that place is so huge we would have never met . When we were hanging out together , we 'd go up into her room on the top floor , which had a window that looked out onto a busy city street . We 'd open that window and sing Beatle songs as loud as we could to all the people passing by . And we 'd serenade adults when we were walking on the sidewalks . I talked to her a lot about the all - women 's chorus I 'm in yesterday and tried to convince her she 'll have as much fun as we used to have . But I don 't think she 'll even consider it . I went to our ten year high school reunion , and remember looking for her but not finding her . Then I never heard from a reunion committee again . Turns out she has never heard of any reunion at all - - until last week she just happened to get an e - mail from an old friend who mentioned our 40th reunion . I tell you what , they really need to do some marketing work ! We agreed to go and give ' em hell . Then I bit the bullet and went to several big box stores to buy a flat screen TV . My old television was over 20 years ago - - so old that even the new converter box would need an accessory to work . It was 19 inch so I didn 't want to go smaller than that , and I didn 't want to pay more than $ 200 . Ha ! I ended up getting a 19 inch with DVD player at Best Buy . It was marked $ 329 and after I begged and asked and threatened , he brought down the price to $ 299 . I spent several hours last night setting everything up . I already have a combo DVD / VCR so that took some figuring out . At the store I kept thinking I had two separate components - - a DVD player and a VCR . When I got home and realized it was a combo I realized I didn 't need the at

The picture frame with Jacob 's ultrasound picture in it is from my sister Jessie . She surprised me with it 12 days after Jacob was born and it has been on either my night table or my dresser ever since . I pick it up at least once a day and stare at Jacob and talk to him . I 've been wearing a necklace that I got a month after Jacob died and I rarely take it off . It is the shape of a heart with Jacob 's name engraved on one side and baby feet on the other . It has a pearl on the chain , which is the birthstone for June . Today at work , I was talking to Sheila . She suddenly noticed my necklace and held it to see his name and flipped it over to see the feet . She asked if I 'd had it for long and I said I had it for awhile and rarely take it off . She said that it was making her teary ( and I love her for that . . . . she lost a baby at 12 weeks about 20 years ago , then had a baby who is now 17 and then lost 2 more early on ) . I hadn 't shown her my tattoo yet , so I did and she looked at it for awhile and said how nice it was . She loved the baby feet and the butterfly and seemed really touched by it . She asked if Ted has one and I said that he does and described it . Then we started talking about the butterfly and I explained that butterflies remind me of Jacob and told her about Jacob 's one month anniversary when I was in the garden where he is buried and was really upset and crying . In my head , I asked Jacob to send me a butterfly so that I would know that he was OK . Within a minute , a monarch butterfly landed on the tree that he is buried under , flew and landed on the other side of it , then flew towards Ted and I . . . stopping a few times on the hedge as it did . It was a magical moment and has brought me a lot of comfort over the months . It gave Sheila chills , which I loved . I also told her about the 2 times that Ben seemed connected to Jacob . . . when he put his finger on my necklace and said " baby in there " and the time that I was in the basement at his house and he was on the main floor and I thought I heard him calling my name . When I got upstairs , Laurie said that he had actually been calling Jacob 's name . . . for no apparent reason . Then Sheila and I talked about kids and how we think they can connect and can see and sense things we can 't . Her daughter was born at 34 weeks and had to be sent by ambulance to another hospital to get the level of care that she needed . Since Sheila had a c - section , she had to stay at the hospital where Alex was born while her husband went with Alex . They never showed Alex the pictures they took of her in the incubator because they didn 't want her to know how traumatic her birth had been . Alex talked early and was speaking in sentences by the time she was 2 . One night , when Sheila was putting her to bed , Alex asked Sheila if she remembered when they took her away from Sheila , put her in a bus with no seats that was loud ( the ambulance ) and she was in a glass case and then it got really bright ( she was jaundiced and needed the lights ) . She gave some details that Sheila didn 't even know about , but her husband confirmed later . They were both shocked by what Alex remembered . A few minutes later , Sheila came back to my desk and said that she has wondered if the spirit of the baby that we have lost somehow comes back in a rainbow baby . I 've been meaning to write about that . So when Sheila said that , I was surprised but happy that someone else wonders it too . One more thing . The other night I was feeling sad . Not unusual of course . I started reading a Chicken Soup for the Soul Book on miracles before going to sleep and the first story was from a Mom of 4 whose son died in a car accident at 14 . About a year later , she was going fishing with her daughter and noticed a whole bunch of white butterflies flying around her daughter . She said out loud that she would love to see a yellow butterfly to know that her son is OK . Then she and her daughter said it a few more times , asking her son to send them a yellow butterfly and soon after , a yellow butterfly flew right in front of them and then flew away quickly . It made me think back to the butterfly we saw on Jacob 's 1 month birthday and it convinced me even more that it was a sign from Jacob and that he is OK . I was crying in bed by this point and told Ted about it and how it makes me feel like Jacob really is OK . He said that Jacob is definitely OK . Today Ted took the day off work and went to the doctor . He told me when I got home that after he was done at the doctor 's , he drove to the garden where Jacob is buried and sat there for awhile . I love that he went there without me instigating it . It brought tears to me eyes , but I didn 't want Ted to see because I want him to tell me these things . Ted said he sat there thinking about the physical problems Jacob would have had , but that none of that mattered . He still wants Jacob back . We would have worked it all out and he would have had a good life . I just want Jacob back too . The day that I had the hysterosalpingogram was the best day I have had in a long time . I felt more positive and hopeful than I have in a long time . My sister Laurie called me that night and we were talking about how relieved I am and how strong it made me feel and she said that she could hear it in my voice . I was at my Mom 's house that morning ( before the test ) and my sister Jessie was there as well . Laurie said that they both told her that they had noticed a change in me that morning too , that I looked happier than I have since Jacob died and they all talked about how nice it was to see that and how relieved it has made them too . We also talked about her pregnancy and she asked if she needs to hide it as much anymore and I said that she didn 't . She said that the last time we were together , she didn 't do it as much either ( hiding her belly under a sweater or wearing a baggy sweatshirt ) because she could sense that I didn 't need it as much . I told her how badly I 've felt that I couldn 't be more involved and that I 'm excited for her baby , but I just wasn 't strong enough to hear all about it . I also said that I can 't look at the video of the ultrasound she has because I 'm terrified that I will forget what Jacob looked like on his ultrasound and watching the video of another might mix up the images I have in my mind . Today I had lunch with my sister Jessie . She is so sweet . She offered to treat me to celebrate my non - heart shaped uterus . While there , I mentioned how a few women have seen my blog and contacted me and we have emailed each other . That got us on the topic of my blog , which no one in family has seen ( except Ted ) . She said she has seen wall posts on facebook with reference to it , but never asked me because she figured I would share it if I wanted to . I told her that I didn 't tell her , my other 2 sisters or my parents how to find it because I was scared that I would censor myself . I wanted to write exactly how I felt and not worry that they would read a post and worry , especially since I most often posted something on my blog when I was feeling particularly bad . She said that they always know how I am doing . They can hear it in my voice and they can see it when we are together , even when I am trying to act normal . She said she has known me her whole life and I can 't hide these things . . . and that I 'm a terrible liar : ) I felt a little bad for not sharing it with her before , but at the time I needed to do it . I got back to work and emailed her the links for both of them . There was another time that I never wrote about when one of my sister 's took me aside . It was at the wedding I went to in August , the day I miscarried my baby August but didn 't know what was happening at the time . The wedding was on a Friday afternoon . As I got ready to leave work at noon , I had a big blood clot come out . The blood clot was attached to a small , beige - coloured sac . As soon as I saw it , I wondered if I was having a miscarriage . I stared at it for awhile . I had had a regular period and no pregnancy symptoms , so I didn 't know if it was leftover tissue from my pregnancy with Jacob or a miscarriage . Anyway , Ted and I picked up Lindsay and Brian and drove 45 minutes to the city where the wedding was . We got our hair done , got dressed at my other sisters ' house and went to the church . After the ceremony , which was at the church where Ted and I were married and that is next to the garden where Jacob is buried , Ted and I went to the garden and blew bubbles around the garden . Laurie came over and joined us . The church secretary walked by and said how nice it was that we were blowing bubbles with Jacob . We went to the dinner and had dinner . At one point during dinner , Lindsay said something and I couldn 't stop laughing . I almost cried from laughing , because laughing most often turned into tears in those days . I was faking being normal the entire time and thought I was doing a pretty good job of it . When the dancing started , I was pulled onto the dance floor even though I really didn 't want to dance . At weddings , my sisters and my Mom and I have always danced together and had a great time . I knew they would be expecting me to do it , but it hadn 't even been 3 months since Jacob had died and I just didn 't want to do it . I went up and tried for a few minutes but wasn 't enjoying it . Lindsay grabbed my hand and pulled me away and said that we were going for a walk . We walked around the hotel 2 - 3 times ( in shoes that hurt us both ) and stopped on a bench for awhile and talked . She said that she knows that I am faking it , that I was doing an OK job of it , but she could see right through it . We had a deep conversation about everything and I loved it . She said she was worried about me spending so much time on the baby loss support boards , worried that it was keeping me from moving forward , but I explained how healing it was . . . how there is always someone there who understands . And that , at that point , I wasn 't posting so much as I was leaving comments for people who had just lost their babies . I said how much support I have received from other baby loss Moms , and have tried to give some to them too . Somehow I ended up telling her that I considered killing myself twice ( I didn 't tell anyone this , not even Ted , for awhile because I didn 't want them to worry ) , but the thoughts passed when I thought of how much pain that would cause everyone and there was no way that I could let that be Jacob 's legacy . Lindsay got tears in her eyes , hugged me and made me promise not to do anything to myself and to call her if I ever starting having those thoughts again . I promised both things . We walked around the building another time or two and went back inside . That conversation did alot to lift my spirits and I did end up dancing a little and enjoyed it . I 've been meaning to write about the wedding since August , but then the miscarriage happened and we moved and I just never did it . So , the main point of all this is that no matter how Dana My test was great ! The shape of my uterus isn 't very bad and my fallopian tubes are wide open . My OB joked that they are the best tubes she has seen all day . It has turned out to be a good day . Dr . A and I joked a bit when I first got into the xray room and talked about running into each other at Home Depot after Christmas . As I was lying on the table and she was starting the test , she said that her patients get so many worry beads a year and I have used mine up , I have had my share of sadness and this year will be my year and there will be m ore happiness than sadness this year . She was so sweet . She explained everything as it happened and it barely hurt . . . just a tiny pinch . I was shocked that it was done so soon . She said that it looks great and then I turned around and saw the screen . I didn 't see a heart - shaped uterus . It was more like a banana , with the left side having a bit of a dip . She said again that I just had rotten luck last year . She said to go ahead and try again and I said that we were thinking about waiting until February but she said that the radiation won 't affect anything and I asked about the dye and she said that it won 't affect anything either and that it really depends on where our minds and hearts are . I asked if my body needed more rest and she said no , it should be good to go and not to waste an opportunity . Then she hugged me and left . I can 't tell you how good I felt after the test . I walked through the hospital towards the car and was smiling and almost crying at the same time . I called Ted and he was so happy and relieved . Last night , he kept reaching over and touching my leg . I figured that he was worried about the test , but he didn 't say anything . After I had the test , he said how worried he was and how relieved he is now . I had to stop at a store to pick an ingredient up for dinner and I saw the baby section . Normally I avoid it , or I go into it and feel terrible . This time I went and got something for my sister 's baby and something for my friend 's baby . I even got something for Ted and I haven 't felt this happy since we found out I was pregnant with Cub . It is such a nice feeling . I feel like I have been given a new lease on life . Posted by I am a little nervous about going to the hospital today . I 'm not that nervous about the test , but I 'm nervous about just being at the hospital because it is a Monday . It was a Monday that I found out that Jacob died and I went from the doctor 's office to the hospital for the ultrasound and then I was admitted . On Friday and Saturday , I felt stronger than I have felt in awhile . I even had a glimpse of my old self . I joked around with people . I went to a movie and managed to pay attention to the whole thing . But not today . Today I have been on the verge of tears , or actually crying , for most of the day . I start crying while I wash dishes , fold laundry , walk around aimlessly . On March 4th , a Canadian show called Flashpoint was filmed in the office building I work at . I was 7 weeks pregnant with Jacob at the time . The building has an atrium in the centre and you can see down into the atrium from all of the floors . Most of the filming was done in the atrium , so a bunch of us would stand on a higher floor and watch the filming . The episode was on TV the other night . Turns out the story line was about a baby who died at 6 months old . The father said that it was SIDS ( the mother wasn 't home ) , but the father was arrested because the baby showed signs upon autopsy of shaken baby syndrome and the father was arrested ( in the end , it was proven that the baby had meningitis . . . after the father kidnapped the mother at gunpoint and went to the morgue to have the results reviewed . . . . which was when the error was discovered ) . There were moments in the show when the grief over losing the baby was shown . The box of packed clothing in the kitchen , the nursery with the crib still set up , the parents saying that they shouldn 't be in the position they were in and the tears and the grief . The doctor at the morgue brought out the autopsy report and told the parents not to look because there were pictures of the autopsy and then it hit me that there are likely pictures of Jacob 's autopsy somewhere . I know x - rays were taken because they were mentioned in the report . I know he was normal " upon internal examination " . I just never thought about the pictures that are out there somewhere of my son 's organs . I was at my Mom and Dad 's house last night and my Dad asked if I had looked at the local paper . I hadn 't and he told me that there was something about the first New Year 's baby born at the hospital that Jacob was born at . . . . . a baby boy born to a white mother and a black father ( just like Jacob ) . He got me the paper and since I like to make myself miserable , I looked at the pictures and read the story . It didn 't say who delivered the baby , but I ran into my OB at Home Depot a few days after Christmas and she said that she was working on New Year 's Eve , so I 'm pretty sure that she did . That baby would only been 2 months gestation when Jacob was born . There was a picture of the baby and then a picture of the thrilled Mom and Dad and the big , healthy , full - term baby in the hospital bed . Of course I stared at both pictures for awhile , thinking of how different our hospital picture is . A heartbroken Mom and Dad and a too small , dead baby boy . But a baby boy who was loved every second of his life and is loved every second that passes after his death . I was in the subway yesterday at lunch and there was a woman with a baby girl in a stroller . Someone asked her how old her baby is and she said 3 months . Jacob would have been 3 months old in a week . I had to walk as far away from them as I could in the train and then stand at the door so that people wouldn 't see how hard I was struggling not to cry . I also saw a facebook status the other day that my brother - in - law 's sister posted . She had a baby boy 2 weeks after Jacob was due and said how hard it is too see your baby in pain while the baby is teething . I wish I knew how that felt . Then today I finally got AF . Exactly 6 weeks after my miscarriage . I also started AF last year on January 7th , which was the start of the cycle that Jacob was conceived in . Despite all of the tragedy we have been through in 2010 . . . losing Jacob , then August , then Cub , I still feel fortunate in many ways . I miss Jacob desperately and my heart aches for him constantly , but I have been surrounded by so much love since his loss . Then we lost August , then we went on the 3 week journey of losing Cub . . . . all of our hope and the little specks of joy we had had since losing Jacob quickly got lost . But the support we received got even stronger . I don 't know how I would have come so far without all of the baby loss Mom 's that I have met since June 1st , without the kind things my family and friends have said and done , and without my husband . Ted has supported me through everything . When I am sad , he lets me cry . He never tells me that I need to move on , he just tells me that his heart is breaking for me while mine feels shattered and he holds me . He doesn 't leave me home alone very often , because he knows I will start with the flashbacks and go downhill if he does . He tries to keep hope alive when I just can 't seem to do it . I have met so many wonderful women . I have never felt so accepted and supported by a group of women like I have by my baby loss friends . This Christmas I have received some wonderful cards and gifts from these women . Looking in the mailbox was the highlight of my day . The cards I received have so many beautiful messages in them and I have read each one several times , often crying each time . . . and then crying later on when I just thought about them . Jessica contacted me and said she wanted to make me a dragonfly for my baby . When I said there were 3 of them , but just one dragonfly would be fine , she went ahead and made 3 . I just knew they would be beautiful and they are . Each one has a baby 's name and date of birth on the first 2 - 3 beads of the body . I was perfectly happy with the tree the way it was , above . It took me a long time to put the tree up , but I did it because Ted wanted it up , I wanted to hang the ornaments I received , the cats love it , and everyone was at my house for Christmas . I guess it looked a little empty ( so my sister 's said ) , but it seemed telling of our lives , which revolve around our babies who made up the most important part of 2010 and of our lives . Today is 7 months since you were born . And it is New Year 's Day . Your Dad and I miss you all the time . While so many people in the world were celebrating last night , I lay on the couch with your Dad and with your bear held against my chest , tears occasionally coming to my eyes . I fell asleep for awhile and woke up just before midnight . I wish I could say I fell asleep because I was pregnant with Cub , but of course that isn 't the case . Things would be so different if Cub hadn 't died . We would still miss you all the time , but we would have something to hope for and concentrate on . Yesterday I went to the hospital with your Nana to get her cast off , the same hospital where you were born . I felt anxious about going because it was 7 months exactly since I was admitted there with you . I thought I might end up in Labour & Delivery to see the room you were born in and if the nurses I had were there , but I managed to stay away . I decided while I was there that nothing good would come of going , that day of all days . I stopped at your garden on the way home from the hospital . The gate was locked and I was just thinking about jumping over it when the church custodian came outside and offered to open it . Do you know that someone moved the rose we planted ? They moved it to the bushes right in front of where we buried it in the ground . I assume that it was falling over and I love that someone took the time to do that , knowing that the rose had special significance . It also means that someone else thought about the person buried there too . Maybe they even knew it was for you . Thursday night was a hard one . As I was getting ready to go to bed , I just got so incredibly sad . I ended up standing in the bedroom hugging your bear and sobbing . I have also held your bear while cooking , walking around the house and just watching TV , just as I would have been holding you . I often think when I am sitting around watching a movie or reading a book that I shouldn 't be able to do that . I should be doing something for you or always listening for the baby monitor for when you wake up . I guess acceptance will come one day . " They " say it will . I don 't see it any signs of it . I 'm having a hard time with it being a new year . It feels so wrong to move onto a new year without you and it makes me sad that we will never live in the same year again . 2010 belongs to you . The joy , the sorrow , the love . I know a new date on a calendar means nothing in terms of my love for you , but now when / if someone asks , I have to say that you died last year . That just seems too long ago . I want to stay in the year that we shared . I want to keep you as close as possible forever in every way that I can and it seems to get harder and harder . There are even times when I have moments of disbelief and wonder how it was that I was ever pregnant in the first place , how it was that I delivered and buried my first child . I look at your ultrasound pictures and it seems hard to believe that you were inside of me but I no longer have you . You have changed my life . You have changed me . I had 5 months of incredible joy , like I had never felt before , because of you . Now I have had 7 months of incredible sorrow , sorrow like I have never felt before , because of you and I will have a lifetime of it . I also have a best friend , because of you . It is all worth it because you were , you are , so wonderful and amazing and loved . This morning I went through some of your things . . . . the certificate of birth the hospital gave us , the hospital bands , the tape measure we measured you with , the grief pamphlets we got from the hospital , one of your ultrasound pictures , your foot and handprints and the autopsy and pathology reports . Reading the words " normal morphology upon external and internal examination " made my heart lurch as I thought of the autopsy being done on you . I put the ultrasound picture and your hand and footprints in the box that your Grandparents and Aunts gave us . Then I picked up the blanket your Nana made for you and held it to my face and cried . You should have been wrapped in the blanket . For a few minutes , I pretended that you were . We went to Tim Horton 's this afternoon , got hot chocolate and then went to the garden to visit you . The tears didn 't come as they usually do when I am there . I was sad , but just accepted that I didn 't need to cry right at that moment . It is surreal that we are so far away from when you were born . I couldn 't even see this far in the future for so long after we found out you died . It is still hard to envision a future without you in our arms . I live with my husband near Toronto , Ontario . Our son Jacob was stillborn on June 1 , 2010 . We miss him everyday . We were fortunate to get pregnant again quickly , but I have miscarried 3 times since losing Jacob . August was miscarried on August 20 , 2010 at 5 weeks . Cub was miscarried on November 27 , 2010 at 10 weeks . We lost twins girls , Madeline and Emma Grace , at 11 weeks on August 30 , 2011 . We miss all of the babies that we have lost and what could have been . We welcomed our rainbow baby , Emily on on August 15 , 2012 . She has brought us so much joy and happiness .

Leave a reply Dr . Gabriela Nola , Gabe to everyone , hadn 't been in town long . Kenton McCade was looking for a partner in his practice , and she was hoping to fill the spot . A nice small town beat the last hospital job she 'd just recently quit - 90 hours a week with a shorthanded staff . She just wanted normal , and the voice in her head to stop already about opening the box and wearing the item inside . Dalton McCade knew when he heard the dragon 's voice that he was next on the list , and ready or not his mate was coming . According to the dragon , she was already here and had refused to put the combs in her hair . But as always , danger followed the jewelry , and Gabe was no exception . The mysterious stranger would have all the pieces for his own collection , and didn 't care who he had to kill to get them . Emma Gentry felt like she was losing her mind . From the time she had picked up the pretty ring to examine it , she 'd been hearing a voice in her head . When she ran from the demolished building , she 'd slipped the ring on her finger so that she wouldn 't drop it , now she couldn 't get it off . She was in dire need of medical attention , but the voice wouldn 't let her stop to get help . There were others looking for the ring and would kill her for it . Emma was on the run . Kenton McCade was the doctor in the family . When found Emma in his office treating a badly infected wound on her leg , he had to help her . The infection had spread and she was near death . Kenton and his brothers were dragon shifters born without the ability to shift into their other half . The magic , it seemed , lay dormant in a sleeping dragon that was tied to six pieces of jewelry . When the ring found its way to Emma , her touch had woken the sleeping beast . When Emma touched Kenton 's sigil on his chest , he shifted to his beast for the first time . But the beast from the ring would not be complete until all the jewelry found its way to their rightful dragons … . Emma was still on the run … they need her to survive … but Emma trusted no one … Buy Link https : / / www . amazon . com / gp / product / B01C7E371A / ref = series _ rw _ dp _ sw Jasmine Tyler was wishing she had never found those earrings in that box of junk she bought at auction . They were so pretty , and the dragons had so much detail , that she simply had to try them on . That was the biggest mistake she 'd ever made . Once they were on they weren 't coming off . And those men in the black SUVs meant business . She 'd hand the earrings over or they 'd kill her . They 'd more than likely kill her anyway even if she could get the damn things off . Now she was on the run with her young son , Gavin , and her ailing granny . A voice in her head that started when she put the earrings on was directing her to find the McCades . The dragon had told Kenton and Jorden McCade that another piece of jewelry had been activated , and the boy that had just come into Jorden 's studio was her son . The dragon didn 't know which brother she was mated to , but she had sent the boy and her granny ahead to keep them safe . Now , another attempt had been made on her life and she was in a hospital an hour away . The cop at the scene had been in on it , and Jasmine found herself in a pickle . She 'd been drugged and there wasn 't a thing she could do about it . Her body hit the floor by her hospital bed and she was looking into the lifeless eyes of her nurse . As soon as Jorden scooped Jasmine up off the floor and her earring touched his skin , he knew that this woman was his . The earring left a brand , marking them both . He couldn 't be happier about finding her , now to convince her to stay was going to be the problem … . Harper Bailey was in way over her head , and the trouble just seemed to keep coming . Her brother - in - law had frozen her personal accounts , and now she was on the run because she wouldn 't do as she was " told . " She had been told to abort the baby . Harper hadn 't wanted the baby she had been forced to carry in the first place , but now that she 'd felt life , she would protect the child with hers . Grady McCade knew that his mate had been found when she touched the piece of jewelry . The dragon had told him that if he didn 't hurry to her side , she would be found by the dragon slayers and her life could be ended as well as the life of the babe that she carried . With Grady and Harper together , the dragon grows stronger , and the slayers pick up the pace in their quest for all the pieces of jewelry . Can the McCades stop them before they strike again ? Are any of them safe ? Find out in The McCade Dragon - Grady There were no words that he could say that would make this any different . Dalton watched as the casket , a beautiful bright wood , was lowered into the cold earth . His friend , mentor , and sounding board had died eight days ago . Howard Short simply went to sleep one night and didn 't wake . And it broke Dalton 's heart . " Dalton ? " He looked at Melinda , Howard 's wife , when she said his name . " Will you say a few words , please ? My brother - in - law just can 't . He 's devastated , as we all are . " " Yes , of course . " He stood up and made his way to the podium . So many people were here today , paying tribute to a wonderful man . Dalton thought of his friend and what he could say about him . Smiling , he thought of something that Howard would have gotten a kick out of . " Howard could be a jackass when he wanted . " Everyone laughed , just as he 'd hoped , even Melinda . He continued speaking about Howard as if he 'd just stepped out for a cold beer . " When we were on a stakeout or even out fishing , he 'd tell me of the time he was in the academy . Of course , I didn 't believe half the crap he told me . But this one story , I think , sums him up better than anything I could say about him . " Dalton looked at the casket , then at the people there . " He 'd been in the dorm for about two weeks , he 'd told me . It wasn 't going as well as he 'd hoped . I think he said that of the three classes he was in , he was flunking out of three of them . " Another round of laughter . " Back then , if you weren 't cutting it , Howard told me that they 'd come to see you , help you pack up your things , and send you on your way . He wasn 't ready to give up , he told me , and he didn 't think that they should be just yet either . " As he was debating on whether or not to open the door when his time came , he had an idea . Howard told me it wasn 't a good idea , but he 'd been down and was sure under other circumstances , he might not have done what he did next . He opened the door and told the men standing there that Howard Short had left . After he was finished , he stood still as the guns were drawn for the salute and fired . Dalton cried then , his pain of loss too much for him to hold in any longer . And when the service was over , he made his way to Melinda again and hugged her . She too had become a very important part of his life over the years . " You 'll come to visit me , won 't you ? " He told her he would . She was leaving today , to live with her son in another state . " He loved you so much , Dalton . Like his own son . " " I loved him as well . He 'll be sorely missed . " She nodded and left him there . Dalton could have gone to stand with his family , but decided that he was fine where he was . He watched as the dirt was filled into the hole much like the one in his heart . But his would never be filled . Going to the after reception at the newly remodeled homeless shelter , he didn 't speak to many people . There was food , he supposed , that he could have eaten , but like his heart , his belly wasn 't ready for anything right at the moment . Instead he just found a dark corner and sat in it until he felt it was a good time for him to go home . My lord . He wanted to sob . Dalton didn 't want to answer who he thought was talking to him . It could only mean one thing , and he didn 't want it . Not today , perhaps not ever . My lord , your mate is coming . " Tell her that I 've got a lot going on at the moment and I 'd prefer that she didn 't . " Caelin said nothing . " Where is she and what does she have ? " The hair combs , my lord . And I don 't think it 's possible for her not to come . She is on her way now . But I must tell you that she hasn 't put the jewelry to her flesh . I 'm not at all sure why just yet , but she is aware of me and is coming this way . He asked what the combs did for the wearer . She will have blood that will heal all that she touches , her heart will be stronger still than it was before . Her name is - " No , don 't tell me . I mean , I know that I 'll have to know sooner or later , but for now I 'd like to just not know . " Caelin You are without a job , sir ? He told him that he might well be . I don 't understand . I thought you enjoyed being a good cop . Whatever has … ? Is it the death of your captain ? " He was my sergeant , but yes , because of him passing away , I don 't think my heart will be in this anymore . I might … never mind . If she can support me , I think I might just make furniture in my garage until I turn up dead one morning . Or I 'll run off and never return . " Dalton realized then that she was out of work too . They were starting off great , he thought . Two unemployed people with a huge house , no car , and nothing to show for their hard work . When Vance sat down beside him , he asked him when he 'd gotten in . " Two days ago . I 've been working on some things . " Dalton nodded . " Rumor has it you 're the next big cheese around here . You gonna be sheriff now , Dalt ? " Vance had been the only person who called him that . It mattered little to him that Dalton had asked him not to call him Dalt … he had continued over the years . Dalton asked him where he 'd heard that rumor . " Because that 's all it is , is a rumor . I 'm not going to take the job . In fact , I was seriously thinking of quitting altogether . " Vance told him that he 'd not enjoy retirement any more than he would . " Caelin just told me that my mate is here in town . " " Really ? I 'm assuming that it 's the pretty little doctor at the B & B then ? " Dalton didn 't want to ask about her , but he found that he wanted to know . " Yes , she is pretty . Tall … not quite as tall as you , but close . Blonde hair that I assume is long . Dark eyes . I 've not seen them as yet close up , but I 'd say they were blue , like midnight blue . " " You know a great deal about my mate , Vance . What have you been doing , spying on her ? " He nodded . " Whatever for ? You think she 's some sort of murderer or something ? It wouldn 't surprise me . Not at this point . " " No , but she has baggage . " Dalton just stared at him . " Her job , where she worked before , they really have a hard - on whatever that might be . He did wonder if he could go work for him for a bit , just to figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life . " I guess I should just wait for her then . I mean , I don 't want to seem like that odd stalker guy . " Vance said he had no idea , but thought that was a smart move . He knew less about women than Dalton did , apparently . " Whatever you do , I 'm sure that it 'll be either wrong or not enough . I know nothing at all about women . " Dalton looked at his brother . He was clean but his pants were army issue , his shirt a dark tee , and his boots - ass kickers , he called them - had seen better days . Vance kept his hair military short and neat , and he seldom had a beard . Dalton asked him why he didn 't wear … well , regular people clothing . " I wear what I want , when I want . " Dalton laughed . " Look , whether you go and see her or not , you should know that she 's polite , generous with her time , and like you , she wears what she does right out there for everyone to see . " He asked him what that meant . " You are a cop , Dalt . Even a blind man could tell that . And they 'd not even have to see the badge . Same with her . She 's a doctor , a good one , and people know that when they first see her . " Dalton sat there long after Vance left , trying to figure out what to do . He could have , he supposed , just walked over to meet her , but he had a feeling that would have been a mistake . He was sure that he could talk to Kenton too , but decided that he 'd get enough grief from him without adding to it . Instead , he went to his truck and drove home . Dalton was going to enjoy the next few days he had off , and not worry about mates , dragons , or men looking for jewelry . ~ ~ ~ Gabe walked to the diner . She 'd come to love the little place , what with the strange way they served their meals and the nice people who worked in and frequented the place . As she made her way inside , she knew which seat to sit in , which to avoid . When she sat in the booth with the unforgiving spring , she moved to the windhopefully the house that she 'd been looking at was ready to be rented . Things were going quite nicely for a change , and she was as rested and as happy as she 'd ever been . " Oh lordy . " Gabe looked up when she heard the shout from the kitchen , then Milly saying " Oh lordy " over and over . Getting up , she ticked off all the things that could go wrong in a kitchen , and was afraid that Milly had been hurt badly . As soon as she entered , she put her fingers in her mouth and let go of a shrill but effective whistle to shut the few people in the room up . A dishwasher was wearing the nastiest apron she 'd ever seen and dark gloves on his hands . Milly was standing there wringing her hands . A man , who she assumed was the cook , was lying on the floor with a large knife sticking out of his belly , his hands covered in his own blood and his eyes wide with terror . Gabe let her mind take over on what to do . " Milly , call the police and have them send an ambulance . " She 'd learned the first day that there was no one manning the nine - one - one service just yet . " Then I want you to get everyone out of here while I fix this . " " The knife , it just slipped up . " Gabe nodded and told her she had it . " He 's surely gonna bleed to death , and Kenton , he won 't make it in time . " " I 'm a doctor as well . I 've got this . Just do what I told you . " She made her way to Cook . If he had a name , she 'd never heard it . " I 'm Gabe . If you 'll allow me , I 'll see if I can help you . " " I think I 'm a goner . The knife , it 's stainless steel but it 's in me . " She told him as long as she was there , he wasn 't a goner . " I wasn 't paying no attention is what I was doing . Thinking of my boy and what we was gonna do when he was a mite bigger . Now I won 't see him . " He was getting weaker ; the arm that was holding him up slipped out from under him and he fell back to the floor . Gabe got her first look at the wound . He 'd cut his belly to his intestine , the knife still inside of him . Turning to the person who 'd " Uncle Kenton is on his way . He said for you to do what you needed to do and he 'd assist when he gets here . " She wasn 't sure how that conversation had happened but said nothing to the young man . " I told him what I could . " " You can … . You 're not human . " He told her he was but Kenton wasn 't . " I see . Right now I have more important things to do than to figure out what he might be . This is what we need to do . Christ , there is never a vampire around when you need one . " The laughter made her smile . It was one thing to scare the kid to death over something like this , but making him see humor wouldn 't give him nightmares too . As she moved the towels around the blade , all she could think about was that he might be right … Cook might die . When Kenton showed up , his black bag in hand , he asked her what she needed . It both surprised and impressed her that he didn 't just come in and take over . For the next twenty minutes , he handed her what she wanted and helped her when necessary . The impromptu surgery room wasn 't the best , but it was going to be good enough to save this man 's life . The medics , a couple of young men who she assumed were friends of Kenton , stayed back until they were ready to transport him . It wasn 't long after Kenton showed up that they were able to say that they 'd done the best that they could for the man . The rest was going to be up to the surgeon . Gabe rode in the ambulance , Kenton beside her . The medic rode in front with the driver , so in the event that they needed to , they 'd have room to work . As they worked together , she and Kenton , Cook came around once to tell Kenton to watch over his son for him . " You 're going to make it , Gerald . " She nearly asked who that was when the cook nodded . " The good doctor here , she got you all put back together , and once we get you to the hospital , she 's going to remove that knife you got stuck in you and you 'll be as good as new . But you have to believe us , Gerald . You know as well as I do that if you give up on her , Sand " You 'll learn . Gerald is a wolf . There is a lot of pack around the area . Nearly seven hundred now . The people who own the B & B where you 're staying , they 're bears . Milly is human , but she 's married to a cat . " She asked him what his family was . " My brother is a cop . He 'll be meeting us at the hospital . He has to fill out a report for insurance purposes . Milly owns the place , and while she 'd never tell anyone this , she 's fallen on some hard times of late and can 't afford this hit to her bank account . " " She needs to fix up the place . Expand a little , and for the love of all that is holy , get some better seating . " Gabe didn 't point out that he 'd not answered her as to what he was . She figured that he either didn 't want her to know , or it was so bad that he didn 't want to share . " I 'm looking for a house . One that is ready to move into . I don 't want to have to fix something up . " " We have a few . We 're here . " Just as he said that , the ambulance made a hard stop . Had she not been holding on , she would have fallen out of the door when it opened . The man standing there in a police officer 's shirt and jeans did not look happy . " Dalton , this is my new partner , Gabriela Nola . Gabe , this is Dalton McCade . We 're dragons . " She was halfway out of the back of the ambulance when Kenton spoke . Gabe felt her breath swoosh out of her and her heart simply stop beating . She knew they were speaking , arguing really , but nothing was getting through . Not air , not sound , not even blood was running in her body . Then the pain , like someone had slapped her , registered a split second before the world around her just disappeared . Leave a reply Tisha Porter didn 't think she was going to make it . Convinced she would die from her injuries , she left a blow by blow account of what happened to her and who was responsible . The why of it was still a mystery . Thanks to Detective Harlan James , Tisha was on the mend , but she was ready to get out of her father 's house and back into a house of her own . She was anxious to see that recently renovated old Victorian home and buy if she liked it . She wasn 't counting on the stress being too much for her still too weak body . Zachery Douglas was hosting the open house in the old Victorian . They 'd had more than two hundred people tour the house so far which was far more than he expected . And when Tisha walked through the door , he knew what she was to him , and he 'd do anything he had to do to make her his . Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The building and surrounding area looked like a crater . The swing set , which may have held eight on it , was a twisted mess that hung from one of the blackened trees about a mile away . The slide was still sitting in its original place , yet barely resembled its former self . The only reason Harlan knew what it was is because he 'd seen his own kids on it . He looked over when someone said his name . " Four dead . We think . It 's going to be a little while before we can sort this mess out . If there were cars in the lot , I 'm not sure how long it will take before we can figure out not just the owners , but if they might have been here last night . Christ , this is a mess . " Harlan asked him if they 'd been able to get a list of teachers yet . " We 're still working on that . I have been able to canvas the damage surrounding this land . There has been one death that is apparently related to this explosion , but we won 't know for sure until all reports are in . Had this been in the city , Harlan , you know this would have been a hell of a lot worse . " " Yes . There are reports of windows blasted out eight miles from here . And I heard that one of the deaths was a man who had been on the street in front at the impact time and was killed by the blast . Is that the one that you 're talking about ? " Richard nodded . " As you know , had this happened only about ten hours later , there would have been children here , and a lot more bodies . " " We have narrowed down the center , we 're pretty sure . The city planner brought by the blueprints like you asked for , and he 's looking things over and thinks he knows where the epicenter is . Second grade room , as near we can tell . " Harlan wasn 't able to go to the area just yet ; the fire department was going over some of the wreckage to make sure that the fires were out . The bomb squad had left about half an hour ago . " The three bodies that we 've recovered here so far are two men from the janitorial service and a woman . No ID yet on the latter . We think it might have been the prin " Whoever this person was , they wanted this building gone , and didn 't care who was inside of it . It had a switch on location , meaning that it was set off by a simple movement or a lid being removed , so it mattered little to them when this thing went off . I would say that it more than likely was triggered by opening whatever it came here in , which I 'm thinking cardboard at this point . The others all depended on the main larger bomb , causing enough power to set them off as well . They were on a tumbler - like set off . Once they were moved , hard , they would blow . " Harlan asked him how long something like this would take to set up . " Hours . Maybe a few days . The person would have had to have access to the building , and no one to question what they were doing here . A good sense of the size , layout , as well as how much explosive material to use to get this sort of devastation . " " So whoever it was , they were known to those that work here , you 're thinking . I mean , the staff here , they didn 't have any issues with this person being in and out of here , so they could have pretty much done this without anyone having any clue . " Richard nodded . " This is some sick shit , you know that , right ? In another few hours , there would have been over four hundred people in this building , mostly kids . And then nearly seventy teachers and other staff . " " Don 't forget buses of kids that were being held to drop off at the higher grades , parents here dropping off little Jimmy for his first day , and any of the other hundreds of people that might have been passing by when this went off . " Harlan moved through the debris and other mangled things while they talked . " I heard that you 're having trouble locating two of the teachers . You think they might have been here too ? " " I hope to Christ not . Also , we did hear from the cleaning service . There were not three here , but six , to get the building ready for the first day . So far we 've had no luck at all trying to figure out if they showed up for work or not . The teacherssaw that the glass nearest the handle had been broken inward . Calling in backup , he was told to wait . It was then that he saw the blood . " I can 't wait . I can see that someone is hurt . Going in . " Instead of letting the dispatcher tell him to wait again , he muted his phone . He could be fired for it if this turned out to be nothing , but right now , he just didn 't care . As he made his way into the house , he noted in an abstract sort of way that it was neat . Not in a cleaned up sort of way - though it was that too - but more like this person did not care for clutter or fluff . Straight lines and hard surfaces were on everything , including the cushions on the chairs in the kitchen . It was also expensive , like this person spent all their money on their things , as they had no children or pets to muss it . Making his way to the living room , he could see the difference immediately . This was a room that was used ; comfort nearly screamed at him . The noise to his left gave him pause . He wasn 't in a good place in the house … the hallway he was in was not only open at both ends with rooms coming out from each side , but there were two doors that were opened in front of him , one on the right , the other on the left . But when he heard it again , he moved forward . " This is the Nevada Police . I 'm armed and have backup . " He heard the sirens getting closer and peeked quickly into the room to his right . Nothing . " Ms . Porter ? Can you hear me ? " " Yes . " He thought he heard her answer him but wasn 't sure . " I 'm dying . I 'm alone . " Relief was short lived when she cried out . " She hurt me . " Entering the room at the end , the doorway that spilled into the hall , he nearly backed away . The woman lying in a pool of blood looked as if she was indeed dying . Her body was not only covered in a great many of what looked like knife wounds , but she was beaten up as well . Moving closer , keeping his gun out , Harlan called for an ambulance . " I 'm Harlan James . Are you Tisha Porter ? " She nodded , then passed out . He could sthirty this morning , Alex had left . The facts in - between those times , he knew , would haunt him for years to come . By the time the ambulance arrived , he 'd called in a report on what he 'd found . Then he told his boss what she 'd written down about the other teacher , as well as having someone sent to her house to find the woman . Alexandra Grace was going to have a lot of explaining to do . ~ ~ ~ Randall moved through the hospital trying to figure out where he was to go . The nurse at the front desk had told him twice how to get to the operating area , but he was hurting in his heart so badly he only half remembered . When he saw two police officers , he made his way to them . " I 'm looking for my daughter , Tisha Porter . " The officer nodded at him and then took him to a man dressed in a dark suit . " My daughter , someone said that she was hurt . Tisha Porter is her name . She 's a teacher . Second grade . They all just love her . " " I 'm Harlan James , Mr . Porter . I came in with her . " Randall felt his knees simply give out on him . If Harlan hadn 't been there to catch him , he was sure he would have fallen . " Come on over here , Mr . Porter . We 'll talk while we wait . " " She loves teaching those children . I saw in the news that the entire building was blown up . I never got much from the man who called me . " Harlan said it had been him . " Was she in the building ? " " No . We found her at her home . That 's where we 're thinking she was hurt . Someone broke in . " Randall tried to think of why someone would harm his little girl . " She was beaten , and cut up pretty badly . The doctors here are doing all that they can to save her . You have a very smart and brave daughter , Mr . Porter . She 's helped us a great deal in this . " " That 's my baby . Always knew she was the best . I spoke to her just last night … I think it was the night before . It 's hard to think so much time has … . I had just called her to tell her to have fun with her first day . I teased her about her room being … . " He paused , trying to reme " She 's all I have in the world . Since her mother died , Tisha has become my whole world . I just saw her last weekend , and she was telling me how she 'd gotten all these nice learning tools from a shop online . And now this . " Harlan told him they were doing their best . " If you need anything , a kick in the ass to the mayor , you let me know . I 'll pull some strings and get you more manpower if you need it . You just let me know . I 'll get it for you . " " I think we have it for now , but I 'll keep that in mind . We 're working round the clock now , so I hope to have answers in a few days , if not sooner . " Randall nodded and Harlan stood up . " I 'm going to have someone at her room until we find this other person . And if you 'd be so kind , I 'd like for you to have a guard as well . Right now we don 't know the reason that any of this happened . So to be on the safe side , I 'd like to protect you as well . " " I have my own bodyguards . " Randall nodded to the hall where they were and the three men standing there . " Nothing will get past these men unless I tell them or they 're dead . If it will free up some of your men , I can assign them to her room as well . To be honest , sir , they 'll be there anyway . If you 'll agree to it , then nobody will get their underwear all tightened up by them being there too . " " I 'll let you know . " Randall nodded then was left alone . Making his way down the hall , he told Burt , his right hand man , what was going on as he sat in one of the most uncomfortable chairs he 'd ever been in . He also told Burt to set up some people on the inside for her safety . " You have it , sir . And may I suggest that we bring in that buddy of yours ? The retired agent ? He could be a little more help even from the sidelines . " Randall nodded . " Very good , sir . Have they told you how she 's doing ? I mean , more than you were told on the phone ? " " No . I 'd very much like it if you can run a check on any doctors and nurses she has contact with . And there is a person of interest that tto help himself , he tried to calm his nerves and heart . All he could think about was his daughter . Tisha had been born later in his life , he 'd been nearing forty and his wife just shy of that . Had anyone asked , he would have said they were happy being childless . They had money , a great deal of it , and traveled , and pretty much did anything that they wanted . Then Rachel had gotten pregnant and Tisha had come along . Randall was pretty sure until that moment he 'd not lived at all . Hadn 't taken a good breath of air , nor had his heart beat so well until he looked into the most beautiful pair of blue eyes he 'd ever seen . His baby girl , Tisha Randall Porter . She 'd been the best baby , and an even better child . No temper tantrums were ever thrown , nor did she give them a hard time about things . Of course , he 'd made sure that she had everything that she wanted … even if she only gave something a passing glance , he 'd get it for her . Until the day she turned seven . " I want to get a job . " He only nodded at her , indulging her even though he knew she 'd never have to work a day in her life , if he could help it . " My friend , Emma , has a job . And her grandma pays her for doing the dishes too . Not the pots and pans , but her pretty dishes she serves tea on . " " Tisha , I can give you money if that 's what you want . I have no problem with it . " She told him no , she wanted to earn her keep . " Honey , you don 't have to earn anything . We 're very wealthy . " " So are Emma 's mommy and daddy . And she has her own pocket money that she can do whatever she wants with and not have to ask . Why last month , she took me to get an ice cream soda , and no one knew about it but just the two of us . " Randall wondered just how much this other little girl was teaching his daughter . " I want to do this , Dad . You want me to be smart like you ? And know the value of money ? " " I do . And I 'm pretty sure that you have a good handle on the value of money . " Then she gave him that look . It wasn 't a pouty one , like most litAnother note to his list of things she 'd found out for him . As they went over her books , he was astonished not only at much she had learned by talking to the staff , but how much she 'd managed to save up as well . One hundred dollars just by doing odd jobs for those that worked for them . " All right , let 's see how you spent your cash , shall we ? " Randall had already had it in his head to get her a real ledger , as well as some colored pencils . It was the way that he 'd been keeping track of his earnings for years . Not only did he love seeing the numbers all lined up in neat rows , but when he had gotten a computer and it did the adding for him , he still found himself using his old tried and true method . " I 've put a computer on layaway . I had to have Molly help me with that . They 'd not sell me one at my age . I think it 's ridiculous that there has to be an age limit on learning , but now that it 's there , I pay on it every week and she takes it to the store for me . " Randall told her he 'd purchase it for her . " No , Dad . I 'm doing this on my own . " After an hour of going over everything , he 'd needed to find a quiet place to think . She had not just opened his eyes to his staff , but to the fact that she was not a baby any more . Randall would only admit this to himself , but he 'd had a good cry over that fact , and still got teary when he thought of it . " Mr . Porter ? " Dragging himself from his thoughts , he stared at the man in front of him for several seconds before he could think where he was . " Mr . Porter ? I 'm Doctor Fitzpatrick . I 've spoken to the police just now , and they told me that I could bring you up to date on your daughter 's surgery . " Randall sat up straighter in the chair and waited for the news . " She 's in grave condition , I 'm afraid , but I have hope that she 'll pull out of this . Tisha is young and in very good health . While she 's lost a great amount of blood and has had some pretty extensive wounds to her body , I think she stands a good chance of coming out of thin later and replace bone with metal in her hand , but for now , we have her in a hard cast to prevent her from doing more damage . " " Any internal injuries ? " The doctor nodded , then looked at him when Burt asked . " Was there brain damage ? What ? " " There is no way to soften the way I tell you this . Her abdomen was crushed , pelvis broken , and the fallopian tube on the right side was destroyed . Her womb was injured as well , to the point where it had to be removed or risk infection . As for her brain , we don 't yet know what sort of damage is there . After she wakes , if she does , we 'll be able to better determine where to go after that . " Randall felt his body just go limp . The words ' if she does ' were too much . His mind simply said this is too much , and he embraced the darkness where his little girl was safe in his dreams . Leave a reply Emma Hudson wanted to get this over with . Her father had left her in a jam , and the sooner she dropped off his duplicate trucker log books to the Harrisons , the sooner she could get back to work and try to clear her name . Trucking was all she knew , and she was tired of it . Liam Harrison watched the pretty little thing climb into her truck to get the books , but when she slipped and fell back into his arms with a life - threatening cut on her arm , he knew two things : she was his mate , and she would die if he didn 't convert her right now . And when a string of rest stop murders brings an old vampire friend back into the family 's fold , he informs them Emma was next . It was time to park the truck . They all knew that Emma 's father would come sniffing around to try to swindle her out of more money , it was just a matter of time . But how far would he go to get what he wanted ? Riordan Harrison can 't believe it . Everyone is pissed at him and he doesn 't see what the fuss is all about . All he did was tell the woman that she was his mate . He couldn 't help it that his tiger caused him to pin the woman to the counter and she proceeded to throw him to the ground and cover him with sticky pastries . Now , no one will talk to him , including his secretary . He hasn 't claimed the woman yet , and it is all seeming like it 's more trouble than it 's worth . Storm Browning , Stormy to her friends , is a wounded war hero . She 's done her duty and just wants to live a quiet life ― run her little bakery without any hitches . The majority of the men she commanded in the war had been shifters so she wasn 't surprised when the big oaf sniffed her out claiming that she was his mate . But that doesn 't mean she has to agree with it . What else could she do ? He had to go . He 'd hightail it and run anyway when he saw her scars ― they all did . She couldn 't emotionally handle that , not again at any rate . But if Riordan is going to get back on everyone 's good side , he 'll have to make peace with the woman . Even though he thinks he 's innocent , he 'll go for a visit and maybe apologize , but after he gets there things go from bad to worse . Stormy is targeted for assassination and he 's in the line of fire … . Cormac Harrison , Mac to his family and friends , has a good thing going . He has a brand new home , a successful business , and is truly happy with the direction his life is heading . Andi Collins can 't seem to catch a break . The last time she 'd encountered her father , she 'd ended up in the hospital . Now , Stormy Harrison , is giving her a break and helping her get back on her feet . So when this big handsome man tells her that she 's his mate she 's scared to death . Mate . She 'd heard the term before . And what it meant . She would belong to him . Not just him , but whoever he wanted to sell her to . Andi reached for the door handle , thinking that rolling from a moving car would be better than being passed around like a napkin at a banquet hall . " Don 't do that . " He reached for her hand just as she touched the handle . " Please , just listen to me and I 'll explain . " " I don 't need you to explain . I know what mate means . My friends at school , they told me what happens when you become a mate to men . And what they didn 't tell me , my father and aunt explained the rest . Mates use you , and then when they 've had enough , they pass you around to all the other men they know . I won 't have it . " The car suddenly stopped . Her seatbelt cut into her neck , and she nearly hit her head on the dash it stopped so abruptly . Nikki Neal was damn good at her job . As an undercover cop , she had just about enough information to put the local crime boss away , but she needed more to make it stick . But when someone blew her cover , Nikki found herself on the wrong end of several guns . Aedan Harrison was on the fast track to winning the Governor 's seat for the state of Ohio . He had his whole life , or at least his immediate future , planned out . What he didn 't need was a mate he hadn 't made plans for throwing a monkey wrench into the mix . The last thing Nikki needed was an overbearing jackass ordering her about , and telling her how much he didn 't need her in his life right now . Well , she didn 't need him either . She had work to do and needed to get herself and her grandda to safety . It didn 't take long for Aedan 's family to convince him in the error of his ways , and when he saw what he 'd done he felt like an ass . All he wanted to do was make it right , but could he grovel enough for her to accept him ? Brooke Rickson had been working the pottery wheel and pulling clay with her great - grandfather almost as long as she could remember . Her work was famous even though no one really knew who she was . She preferred it that way and had become a recluse since her great - grandfather died . He had left her everything . Mac Harrison loved rare pottery , and when he landed two tickets to the big art show he was thrilled . He could get his prized Rickson pottery piece appraised and get to see new work at the same time . He brought his brother , Darcy , along for the ride . When Darcy caught Brooke 's scent , he knew he 'd found his mate . Unfortunately , the beautiful recluse made no bones about telling him that she was alone and liked it that way , and that no man was barging in and taking over her orderly life . She was living her life just the way she wanted it and that didn 't include taking orders from a man - any man . He could get that thought right out of his head … . Liam loved the house . He walked through it once more , just to be sure that he wasn 't feeling something that wasn 't there . Nope , he thought to himself , he loved this place . Trying hard not to show how much he did , he walked around the big empty living room once more to calm himself and his inner cat . There wasn 't any point in giving away his happiness before making an offer . " This room alone is nearly as big as the house that I live in . " The realtor smiled at him . " What do you think , Mr . Harrison … is this a place you can put down roots ? " " I 'm not sure . " He thought that he sounded like he was bored and had to take a deep breath before continuing . " The kitchen needs to be redone . I mean , from the studs . There are going to be issues with the furnace and with the air conditioning as well before too much longer . Also , I think I saw rat droppings in the garage . " Which he knew wouldn 't be a problem once he moved in . He 'd bet by now , there wasn 't one within ten miles of the place . Him being a tiger tended to take care of that sort of thing . He asked her what the selling price was again , knowing full well what it was . " The house hasn 't been lived in for about four months … I believe that 's the time frame . And before that , I do believe that they had the place exterminated . If you 're seeing droppings , I 'm not sure where they came from . But the bank is very motivated to sell . They 're asking four hundred , but I think I can get them to go a little lower , but not too much . I do know that the house needs work . Like I said , it 's been empty for a few months while things were settled . " Liam nodded . He knew just exactly why it had been sitting , and that it had been a good deal longer than a few months . " I can go in at a lower price , but I believe they have multiple offers so I 'd not expect too much . " " All right then . Thank you for your time . " She took his hand when it was offered and Liam made his way to the door . " Wait . I don 't understand . Did you want me to make an offer ? Are you done with the house ? He told Storm that he was . Good . I think you should stop by our house . There is a large vehicle , and that 's an understatement , in the drive , and the person in it is asking for you . Not nicely , I might add . Hudson is her name . Why is she … ? You know what , I don 't care . She 's the woman that I was telling you about on the deal with Whites . She said she had some information on her father maybe picking up the loads that they 're missing . Any luck finding Mr . Hudson , by the way ? Storm told him she was still looking . He really fucked her over . Not the only one either , from what I 've been able to find out . But he did royally fuck her over with her job . She had a good rep , as you said , and he 's really taken her for a ride . Lost her house , car , as well as her savings trying to keep herself out of jail . I 'd like to find this fucker myself . Liam said that he would as well . She 's currently at her truck , walking around it . I don 't know why , but I kind of think that she 's had enough of the open road for a while . She looks beaten . Liam made a left to go to his brother 's home , and smiled when he thought of the temper of the woman , Hudson . When he 'd spoken to her last night - well , earlier that morning - he 'd been sleep confused , but hearing her voice and what she had to say had him getting up and going back to his computer . He was going to find her father if he had to do it on his own . The rig was parked in the long drive to his brother 's house . The woman was circling the back end , the place where the big trailer was attached . He watched her for several minutes as she moved around it like a little monkey , checking the lines and lights as she went . When she jumped down , she stared at him as he did her . Christ , she was beautiful . " Liam ? " He nodded at her question . " I was close enough to bring them to you , and I 'm not so trusting of the postal service on something like this . I need them back , so you know . I might need them should Daddy dearest come back for some more o " You 're cut deep . I have to heal you . " He heard Riordan caution him , but he was losing her and had to do something . As soon as she fainted , he shifted . The roaring in his head was making him sick . They were losing their mate and neither of them were happy about it . His cat whimpered but knew what to do . As soon as he licked the wound closed , tasting her blood as he did so , he seemed to realize at the same moment that she was too weak , that they 'd waited too long . Growling at the couple that were too close to them , his cat bit deeply into her belly , tearing it open as he did so . " Hurry , Liam . You 're going to lose her if you don 't . " He knew that and snarled at Storm , and she laughed . " Just trying to help . I 'm assuming that she 's your mate . " Yes . And I don 't want to hear you making fun of me just yet . He was pissy and wasn 't sure why , but he bit into her leg . Holding his mouth deep in the wound , he looked up at his brother . Riordan was afraid for him , and Liam didn 't feel any better about this . I have a feeling she 's not going to be thrilled when she wakes and finds out what I 've done . " More than likely not . But it was that or she was dead . I can hear her heart picking up , can you ? " He told him that he could . " Just a few more minutes now and you should be able to release her . I 'll take her inside and put her in the bedroom that you use when here . " Thank you . Riordan nodded and called to someone on the porch to bring out some blankets . Riordan , she 's got some pretty horrific memories in here . Mostly about her father . He took her for everything . And left her with living in this truck . " I know . I read the report Stormy found . When you release her , go in the house and shower and change . Once you are settled , I 'll bring you what we 've been able to find out . Also , Marcy Cochran called about the house . She wants you to make a reasonable offer . " Liam let the young woman go , but he wasn 't ready to leave her yet . Her heartrate had picked up and he could see the wound at " The courts went by the books on this . There is no fault according to them . She had to sell her house as well as her car , which wasn 't a new one but all she had , when the trucking dealership wanted all their money . The truck is still missing , it appears . " He asked if her father had it . " I 'm thinking not . I don 't know why , but I think he sold it for the money , and someone else is driving it that knows about trackers and such . Might be wrong , but I think that 's it . We have the LoJack information , and since we can 't find it that way , we 've come to the conclusion that it 's been taken out . Also , you know it is against the law . " If she thought that , then it was more than likely true . " I told Ennis not to worry about rushing now . I told him what happened , but not that she is my mate . " " He knows . So do your parents . " He asked her how that had happened . " Riordan was covered in blood when they showed up , Hudson 's blood , and your mom sort of freaked out . He had to tell them . " " I guess . I 'm trying to figure out what to tell her when she wakes up . " The woman on the bed stirred and he watched , sure that she was going to wake a great deal sooner than anyone would have expected . " I have to help her out . Of all of this . " " Liam , can I ask you a personal question ? " He just looked at her . " Okay , some of it I know . Like where you have some of your money invested . How much the books say you 're worth . But what is it you do ? I mean , I know you work for the family business when they need you , but that can 't be all that you do , is it ? " " I 'm a businessman . " She snorted at him . " Okay , I 'm a very good businessman . I invest low and sell high . For everything . I 'm good at bargaining on things as well . Like the house . I 'm going to get it , but not at the asking price . Then , if Emma doesn 't care for it , I 'll sell it for a great deal more than I purchased it for . " " Why would me liking your house have anything to do with whether or not you sell it ? " He grinned and saidmakes you have to save me . " He said that he would have anyway . " No , you wouldn 't have . Don 't lie to me . " " I can 't . " She nodded and sat up , but he could see that she was slightly dizzy . " You lost a great deal of blood , so you might want to take it easy for a few hours . You should try and drink a lot and have a light - " " Don 't order me around . " He leaned back in the chair and looked at her . " I 'm not … . I know you really didn 't , but I 'm starting to freak a little here . I 'm a fucking tiger . " ~ ~ ~ Hudson laid on the bed thinking about her life and what had just happened . " I don 't know what I 'm supposed to do . " " Me either . " She turned to her back and looked at him . " I 'm not going to apologize for converting you . I could , I guess , but you 're alive , and that 's the most important thing right now . I don 't know anything about you other than what I 've read in the information that Storm got for us when you called me . And you know even less than that about me . What would you like to know ? If anything . " " What was your name again ? " He told her . " All right , Liam . I 'm Emma Hudson , but I rarely go by my first name . I have no idea why , but that 's what they started calling me in middle school and that stuck . I drive cross country . Not as much as I used to , but sometimes I need the money more than I do anything . I had a home , but I had to sell it to pay for the rig that my father stole . Which he did , no matter what the courts say . " " Storm , my sister - in - law - and so you know , you met her when you came here - she doesn 't think he has it anymore . " She nodded , thinking that Storm had some good connections . " Your load you have now , you mentioned that it was a back run . Does that have to go out today ? " " Not today , but soon . I have to have it about six hours from here by noon tomorrow . " He leaned back in his chair . " What about me being a cat ? I mean , I can sort of feel something inside of me . What does that mean ? " " She 's letting you know that s " Yes . We feel that way as well . I 'd very much like it if you were to go with me to the house that I 'm thinking of buying . If it doesn 't suit you , then that 's fine as well . I have a place that I live in , it 's an apartment , if you 'll come stay with me for a time . " He cursed and she laughed . " There 's this big deal of a wedding next weekend . My brother Aedan is getting married . They 've been living together for a little while , but this wedding is going to be epic , I guess . " " Why ? " He told her how he was the governor of the state and that he was looking into becoming the president someday . " Wow . Your family , they have big plans . " " They do . We all do . " She nodded . " What is bothering you , Emma ? Is it something that I can fix ? Or do for you ? " " I 'm assuming that you all have money . " He nodded but didn 't say how much , which she thought was a good thing . " My father will get wind of this . Not that I 'm a cat , but that I 'm with someone with money , and he 'll come sniffing around . He 's not stupid , but he can play a person and get what he wants . No matter the cost to them . " " He can do that if he wants . But he won 't get away with it this time . I can promise you that . Nor will he hurt you , mentally , physically , or financially . " Hudson wasn 't sure , but she was almost afraid for her dad . " Will you take my hand ? Please ? " " What will that mean for us ? " He said that it would only be him taking her to the kitchen for food for now . " I feel something for you . I 'm not sure what it is , but I trust you . I want to be with you . Is that the cat in me ? " " Yes , for now anyway . I hope that later , you as a woman will feel something for me as well . We mate for life , and quickly . " She still wasn 't sure about this , none of it . " I want to take this slowly . I think it would benefit us both if we started out fresh , like we 're dating . I know that we 've gone beyond that , with me converting you and having this connection , but even my cat is okay with us doing it this wThere was a thick roast beef sandwich on a wonderfully fresh roll with lettuce , tomatoes , pickles , and onions . A bowl of french fries covered in a tomato sauce that was spicy as well as sweet . A large glass of the best tea that she 'd ever drank . She was just finishing off the last fry when June , the cook , asked her if she wanted peach or cherry pie . Hudson nodded . " Well , good for you . I have ice cream too should you want that . I 've not been to the creamery yet , so it won 't be homemade . " Hudson told her that she loved her . " Thank you , child . I 'm so glad to be cooking for the household again . The mister and missus have been away more than at home of late , and I 've missed it . " " You can cook for me whenever I 'm home . " Her face heated up . " I 'm sorry . I don 't know where I 'm going to be living or what the plan is . But this is the best meal I 've had in ages . And fresh pie too ? Well , I could easily kiss you for it . " After she ate both pieces of pie without the ice cream - she didn 't want to seem too piggish - her and Liam went to her truck . It was locked up , but as soon as she opened the door , she could see that someone had cleaned up after her . She asked Liam about it . " I had a friend of mine come over and fix the bent metal . He also put a new handle on for you . Then his wife - she 's the new alpha bitch for the wolf pack that roams our land - she cleaned up the rest for you . I think she was quite impressed with how much storage you have in there . " She told Liam it was necessary when she was gone . " I don 't imagine that it helped that you lost your house . " " He took me for a great many things . But my house was the most painful . " Climbing into the truck , she watched him walk around to the other side and get in . He commented on how roomy it was . " Yes . My dad complained a great deal about how crowded it was for him . And you 're much bigger . But he would have complained about it even if it had his recliner and a big screen television in front of him . " She showed him aroThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , book , Books , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day , Romance , Tigers on May 15 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Cooper : The Manning Dragons Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Cooper Manning and his five brothers were true dragons . Centuries ago , when the humans had turned on their kind , their father sacrificed himself to save his sons by casting a powerful spell which allowed them to walk among the humans . Even centuries later , Cooper couldn 't seem to let go of the past and despised most humans . Carson Langley was exhausted . After being forced to work thirty - six hours straight , she unwittingly complained to the new plant owner , now she knew she was fired . There was nothing left to do but go home and cry about it later . Cooper was sent by his brother to retrieve the helpful woman and bring her back to the plant , and he wasn 't happy about it either . It didn 't help that when she answered the door she shared his sour mood , and when he touched her hand , the magic that surged between them meant only one thing - she was his other half , and she was human … . Cooper was seeing red . Mature Audience Only ! Explicit sex scenes and language . Domlen Draglen does not follow any rules except his own . He does not want to be like his brothers , but his need to find the lady his mother predicts to be his mate has become his focus . He wants to find her and prove his mother wrong so he can go back to his normal life . The only problem is the mouthy , curvy she - wolf interests him , but she 's not his type or is she ? Tempest Shellin wants to prove that she can be essential to her pack . When the drop dead sexy dragon shows up for her , she didn 't know if she should laugh or cry . To save her pack she agrees to his rules , but soon finds out Domlen doesn 't play fair . Will this Domineering dragon and mouthy she - wolf find love or will they allow traditions to keep the apart . " I 'm afraid there is no hope for us . " No one made a sound as their leader continued . " Since the humans found out about us and what we can do , we have been doomed . I 'm so terribly sorry . " Coop looked around the room . There were so few of them now that he could easily count them . When he 'd been younger , thousands of years ago , there wouldn 't have been enough space for all of them to share this room . Now they were down to a quarter of them sharing the space because so many , his own wife included , had been murdered so needlessly . Coop was saddened by it all . Turning to leave the large cave , he was stopped by his brother , Xavier . " The boys , they are well ? " He nodded and smiled . Coop felt it all the way to his heart , a place that had been dead for so long , it seemed . " You have the spell ? You are going to use it on them ? I so wish I had thought of this before my own family was taken from me , Coop . You are a brave man and a good father . " " Thank you . And I shall use it tonight . It is the only way to save them . " Xavier nodded , his own heart heavy with the losses they 'd suffered . " You know that I would have shared should I have had it sooner . I 'm so sorry , brother . All of my heart , it 's sorry for you . " " I know that . I do . But they 're all gone now . My other half , my children . Killed for things that are not fair to our kind . " Coop knew that all too well . " Aria was a good woman , Coop . A good woman and mother to your sons . She will be missed forever . " " Aye , in my heart and those of my sons . " Xavier stood there for several seconds and Coop told him he must go . " They 're awaiting word on what is to happen with us all . " " One more thing , if you please . It won 't take but a second . I have left them all that I have . It is where you keep them hidden away , the boys . Deep within the cave , it 's all there . " Coop asked him what he meant . " I cannot go on , brother . I cannot . There is too much grief in my heart for me to live . I have left my things for your children there . TheyWhen his eldest son came to him , his eyes full of fear , Coop knew that it was well past time that he did what he 'd been practicing . The magic that would keep them safe . Gathering his sons , six of them in varying shades of blues and greens , he asked them to have a seat , that he had a story to tell them . It wasn 't a story , not truly , but a tale that would hopefully keep them safe . " A witch told me once of a great magic that only few can do . It takes a loving heart and a strong dragon to make it work . I have asked her and she has told me how to make it so . This magic , it will keep you all safe from the humans . " They nodded , each of them knowing that it was a human blade that had taken the life of their dear mother . " I will perform this upon you , each of you at the same time , and give you some magic that you will use when you need it . This magic , strong and powerful , will let you roam with the humans , and they 'll not know that your true self is just below your flesh . " " You mean we 'll be humans as well ? " He nodded , then shook his head at Cooper , his oldest . " I don 't understand , Father . Will you explain ? " " Yes . The magic that I will give you will let you change into your true self when you are alone . But when you are out in the world , you will need to be a human . A man . " Cooper looked at his brothers , then back at him as he continued . " With this magic , I will also give you a gift . Something that you will need to keep yourself safe should they find out . A stronger armor than any other dragon before you , as well as the same immortality that you have now , as man or dragon . " Hudson stared at him for long moments . He was the thinker , and if he could think of a reason for this not to work , he would voice it loudly . He was much like his mother in that . She would be the first to say when she did or did not like something . And the first to say that the plan was perfect . He only hoped that she would have approved of this . " I think you are very smart , Father . To try and keep us safe . But I can " I am already , Cooper . Forever . " The others nodded too . They were ready for this , as much as he was dreading it . Because once he started the process to change his sons into men , then he would begin to die . It would take all that he was to change them . Standing up , spreading his wings out behind him , Coop told them about the things that their uncle had left them . They knew where the family jewels were , the things that their mother had left them as well . Once they were standing , their bodies strong and healthy , he felt his heart swell and break for what he was about to do . " I , Cooper Manning , of the Manning Dragons of the earth , give to my sons , Cooper , Hudson , Lincoln , Lucas , Tristan , and Xavier , all that I am . Each of you will take a part of the earth with you when you are converted . The part of you that is unique in all ways will be strengthened and enhanced . You will be immortal , forever , and those that you take to your heart will be as well . " His sons bowed before him when he told them to . He said the words over them that would change them to men . Coop could feel his body shutting down , his heart beating a little less . But he had one more thing he wished to bless them with , and held himself upright to give it from his own dying heart . " One day , true love will come to you . And you will have more than you 've ever known . It will fill you in ways that you cannot ever imagine . Love will be yours for all times . For only then will you become a true dragon , a Manning dragon . " ~ ~ ~ Cooper sat with his brothers while their father lay dying . Coop 's heart was weak from what he 'd done , and it was tearing him apart . Father was weak , yes , but he continued to tell them tales of their mother , of their adventures when they were only small dragons . They were going to be alone soon … their father was so close to joining their mother that it hurt Cooper in ways that he hadn 't expected . " What shall we do with his body ? " Cooper looked at Tristan and asked him what he meant . " He will not be able to lie here . " We will survive if we stay here . " Cooper told Xavier that they 'd have to leave here eventually . " To feed and to fly , yes . But perhaps we could do that only at night . To keep to the skies and not let them see us . " " They know we are about and will have spies out looking for our lairs . We will have to kill any man that comes for us , and still we will not be safe . We are , after all , dragons that have a great deal of magic . " Coop stopped breathing . Cooper didn 't hear his father 's heart , and knew that it was at an end . He was quiet for a bit longer , waiting , hoping for just one more beat , one more sound that would mean he was still alive . But there was nothing . Their father was dead . Sitting up , he told his brothers that Coop had passed from this world into the next . None of them had ever seen a dragon die before . Their mother had been dead when they found her . Each dragon that they 'd come upon when they were out had been dead long before they found them , their bodies stripped of every part of them so that they resembled less of a dragon and more like a pile of bones that had been cut up . Dragon 's scales were used for roofs for humans ' homes , and for shields . The very meat of them was roasted and stored away so that it could be used for medicines and potions . Their hearts were cut up and dried , then ground into a powder for the humans to use to keep them from sickness , as well as magic to have a grand garden and trees heavy with fruit . The only part that would be left was the bones , and sometimes even those were carried off and used for something . Cooper hated all humans . " We will do as suggested by Hudson . It is the only assured way that we can - " Before he could finish , he felt the stirring of the earth . It shook so hard that it knocked each of them off their feet . As they lay there , terrified that someone was coming for them , their father appeared before them . His body was still aground . But instead of dark in death , he was brilliant in light . Faeries , thousands upon thousands of faeriebody . Faerie ropes were all around him … strings of magic wrapped around him like a cocoon that made him invisible to all . As Cooper stood there , his brothers beside him , he knew that , like him , they mourned the loss of yet another parent . " You are the eldest ? " He nodded to the faerie when she asked . " We have a gift for you . For all of you , but you will receive the most . Your father was a great man , your mother a queen among her people . We wish to bestow upon you all that your father had . " " My brothers , they will need it as well . I should like to share . " She smiled at him and bowed . " What have you done with his body ? " " He is being prepared to be moved . We will make a grand garden upon him . Flowers will be there for all to see , but only few will know that a dragon is there with his other half , his love . " He nodded . It was as it should be . " You will take this gift ? You will share , but as I said , you will get more than the others . " " I don 't care . Please , just do what you must so that we can hide . " She nodded again and touched her fingers , small tiny ones , to his forehead . Then she did the same to the others before coming back to him . " It is done ? You have shared it with us ? " " I have , Lord Cooper . But you must leave here now . There are humans coming . The magic that we used to do this thing has given them cause to come here . " He nodded and looked at the ground where their father had been . " He is safe . Just as your mother is now . Go , before they find you here and murder you as well . " He thanked her for her help and left . The exit from this part of the cave was hidden so well that only they knew about it . As they made their way into the night , he thought of the human inside of him , and the pain of it took his breath away . In seconds he was down on his knees . Whatever was happening , he was surely going to die . " You 're a man . " He looked up at his brothers as they began to change into men themselves . " We 'll be safe now , all of us . We 'll be humans for them until we can fThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , Book One in series , Dark Fantasy , Dragon Series , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day on May 1 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Evan : The Whitfield Rancher Release Day Leave a reply Dylan Hutchinson lived and breathed Army , and she 'd been under cover so long she 'd forgot what it felt like to be a civilian . But the last mission took a turn for the worse and not only was she hurt , but she 's been informed that she could no longer do her job . It 's either a desk job as a recruiter , or she 's out . Evan Whitfield didn 't have to work , but he loved his job as a surgeon . And when as his tiger he found an old man wandering in the woods with Alzheimer 's and confused , he wanted to help the family . The family had a daughter in the hospital too , and they were struggling . Evan thought the daughter might be not as sick or hurt as she claimed to be , so he took it upon himself to check her out . Evan was surprised to find that she was not only hurt worse than they claimed , she was also his mate . For a doctor , Dylan thought Evan was dense . What part of go away didn 't he understand ? She wasn 't the mate or marrying kind . Her life was over , not beginning . He needed to just go away … . The hay bailer was working the last two rows when Evan saw his dad riding his big bay horse toward him . Blake and Adrian , two of his brothers , had already been cut loose , and he was fixing to do the same to Joshua and David , his other brothers . He and Adam could handle this last bit , so he told them to head on back to the house before Dad got there . " He looks like he 's got something on his mind . I 'm betting it has something to do with that trip he made today . It 's not like him to go to town unless one of us is with him . " Nodding at Adam , Evan watched as Dad dismounted and made his way toward them . " Are you staying for supper tonight , or heading back to town ? " " Town . I have to work in the morning . " Dad asked him if they were about done . " Yes , sir . Adam and I are going to see to this before we put the tractor in the barn . Adrian said he 'd clean it for me after supper . " " You not staying ? " He told him the same thing he 'd told Adam . " I don 't know why you don 't just quit that job . I know that you 're good at it and all , but I 'd sure like to see you more than once a week , and that has you rushing off again . Come home , son . For good . " There was a bite to his voice , as if he was really pissed at him . Evan let out a long breath , picking up the next bale that had come from the baler . Whatever was bothering his dad , he was sure it had nothing to do with his job . " Dad , I 'm thirty minutes away . Less if I need to hurry . And me working was what I went to college for . And I love what I do . It 's rewarding to see how my work is making a difference . You know as well as I do that you have more than enough hands around if you need them . " His dad nodded but didn 't say anything else . " Everything all right ? " " Yes . Why wouldn 't it be ? " Evan only shrugged . His dad was in a mood , and while it wouldn 't last long , he could be a bear until it was over . " Your grandpa is coming for a visit . I guess he went and talked to your mom and they set it up . I was in town earlier picking him " He wants to go over his will . " Well , that was something . No one liked to be made to realize that they were as mortal as the next . " I 'm not ready for that . I just … . We just buried my mom , and I don 't want to talk about him leaving too . It 's too much . But when I said that to your mother , she got all huffy with me . " " She got huffy or you got huffy ? " His dad said he might have started it . " Mom loved Grandma too . I 'm betting she no more wants to do this than you do . But I can also understand why Grandpa wants to do this . It was a mess when Grandma died , and she had everything all written out for the funeral director and all . " " No will was properly made out . I know that , I surely do , but it 's just too soon . What am I gonna do if something happens to him too ? " Evan hugged his dad and told him he had them . " Yes , but he 's my dad . And … well , I don 't know what I 'm going to do . You know ? He 's always been there , him and Mom . And to think that he 's making these plans … well , it just breaks my heart . Upsets me so that I get angry about it . I 'm sorry , I am , but he 's my dad . " " Maybe if you just let him do this , then he 'll start to get better . You know as well as I that he 's been in a bad way . Not that I blame him . I know that I would be as well . But if he feels like things are settled , then perhaps he 'll start to come out of this depression a little more . " His dad said nothing . " Dad , I don 't know what else to do . He 's going to do it , no matter what we try to say . " " What if he 's doing this because he has plans to join Mom ? I mean , like right now , instead of waiting until his time comes along ? I 'm afraid , Evan , that is just what he 's planning to do . This might be his way of getting things settled , as you called it , before he does something really stupid . " Evan had actually thought of that but didn 't want to mention it to his dad . " I can 't lose another parent . Even as old as I am and knowing that he 's getting up there , I just can 't lose him . " Grandpa , Dad . Maybe if we show him how much we need him around , he 'll rethink whatever it is he 's got going on in his head . " " I 'd like that too . I know you have to go back to work tomorrow , but I wish you 'd reconsider coming home for good . It 's not like you need to work , Evan . I really miss you . And I know that your brothers and mom do as well . " Evan didn 't say anything . There was nothing for him to say . He had to work or he 'd go nuts . " You think on it . Maybe you can take some vacation time out and see what you 're missing here . " " I know what I 'm missing . I think about it every day . " They got off the hay and helped the hands put it in the barn . In a few weeks they 'd have to go to the other field to do the same thing there , but for now they had enough to keep the few cows they had and the horses fed in the colder months . And to sell to the other ranchers around them when they ran short . Evan loved his family . He enjoyed being with them , talking to his brothers about nothing much at all . And the open fields that he could roam alone or with them . But he needed to be away too . Needed his own space , his own things . If he did quit his job and came home , his mom and dad would expect him to live at home again , as most of his brothers were . Not that it wasn 't nice being all together , but he needed quiet sometimes . Grandpa was at the house when they came out of the barn . He was still looking lost , not that Evan didn 't blame him . Evan saw a lot of death in his job . Being a surgeon was not meeting people in the best of circumstances . His family might drive him nuts at times , but they were his and he loved them . Hugging Grandpa , he followed him to the mud room to clean up . Grandpa didn 't say anything , but Evan knew he had something on his mind . " You still being a doctor out there in the city ? " He said that he was . " I was wondering if you 'd do me a favor when you go back . I need something notarized , and I 'd like for you to drop me at the bank when you leave here . If you don 't anything to live for . " You have us . Dad and Mom too . We 'd have no one if you were to do this . " " I hurt . " Evan told him he didn 't know the pain he was feeling , but understood . " She kept me in line . Helped me through the day just by loving me . And I tell you right now that she made me feel like I was the king of the world with just her smile . I miss her so very much . " He sobbed then , holding onto Evan as he did so . Evan felt his own eyes fill with tears , and when they fell over his cheeks , he held his grandpa all the tighter . Grandma had been there for all of them . She 'd been the one that he could go to , for anything . And now she was gone and Grandpa wanted to join her . Dinner was a somber affair . No one , it seemed , was in their usual jolly mood . Even Blake , who could liven up any seating , was quiet . Evan helped his mom clear the dishes , and the rest of them cleaned up the kitchen . Grandpa joined them just as they were putting the last clean pot on the hanger . " Buy it from me . One of you boys , you should buy my house from me . " They didn 't move , not even to look at one another . " I will make you a good deal . I can 't … . I was thinking of moving in with Oliver here , and I would love for one of you yahoos to have the house . " " You move in with Dad and Mom , and I 'll buy it . " Evan had no idea why he said that . He didn 't need a house any more than he needed to work . " You promise us that you 'll move in here and behave yourself , then I 'll buy your house . " " I don 't want to behave myself . I want to … I want to run in the woods . Have some … . You six should make me a great grandpa . I 'd surely have something to do if you were to do that . " Each of them groaned and Grandpa laughed . " You promise me that you 'll be on the outlook for yourself a mate , and I 'll try and keep myself in a better frame of mind . " " Deal . " All of them put out their hands after making the promise . If that was all it took , a promise , then Evan would do it . As for the house ? He didn 't have a clucoming home because she 'd been hurt badly and had to leave the service . He could tell him , but Dad wouldn 't remember it . " I 'd like to have fish for dinner tonight . You go ask your momma if she can whip me some up . " Norris nodded . " Then we should go for ice cream . You got those good grades , so we should celebrate . Didn 't you , boy ? " " I 'd like that . We 'll go after supper , if you still want . " Dad got up and made his way to his room . In a few minutes , he 'd come back out and ask Norris where his bed was , and he 'd have to show him . Alzheimer 's sucked . Several years ago his dad had been a little forgetful . Slightly disoriented at times too . Nothing that worried them much . His dad was brilliant , and had always had trouble remembering simple tasks unless he wrote them down . After his wife passed , he became worse … his inability to remember to put on shoes or wear a coat had gotten him put in the hospital with a cold that had turned into pneumonia . Then they started noticing him being forgetful of who they were , and most of the time he would remember things that were well in the past . Then he 'd begun to wander off . It was then that Norris had found out that his dad was slowly losing his ability to do a great many things . Like living alone and keeping his own house . Meals were skipped because he couldn 't remember if he 'd eaten . Bedtimes were overlooked because he didn 't remember where his bed was . Things like that and more had gotten the doctor to declare him unfit to live on his own . He 'd been living with them since then . Not that he didn 't enjoy having his dad around . But lately , just over the last few months , he 'd been getting away from them . Running off without telling anyone where he was going . And sometimes the police had to help them find him . His dad was having more and more bad days all the time . It was putting a strain not just on Norris 's health , but his finances as well . When Norris 's wife Stella returned from grocery shopping , he checked on his dad before he went tdidn 't know where it had happened or how she 'd been injured , nor did he know to what extent her injuries were . But he knew that she was lucky to be alive , and that was all that mattered to him . For now , anyway . " When did they say they 'd be here with her ? You probably told me , but my mind is a little fuzzy . I 'm so tired , Norris . I shouldn 't have stayed up so late watching that movie . " He laughed and told his wife that it was supposed to be Friday . " Good . We 'll be there when they land . Then we 'll go to the hospital with her . I miss her so much . " He did as well , and had for a long time . Dylan was their only child , and she 'd been a delightful little girl who grew up into a wonderful grown up . At seventeen she 'd joined the army , and soon after she made it through boot camp , she 'd been picked to be trained for special jobs . He knew that she was covert , but anything else had been kept from them , to keep them , and especially her , safe . Over the next ten years they 'd seen very little of their daughter . She was forever rushing off for one thing or another , her job keeping her away for longer periods of time . Then about six months ago , a few days before they 'd been notified that there had been an accident , she 'd called him . With the call coming in the middle of the night , he knew something was wrong . " Dad ? " He said it was him and glanced at the clock . He 'd never forget the time . It was one twenty - four in the morning . " Dad , I 'm going to be coming home soon , I 've arranged it . I 'll have a month off . I 'd like for you to do something for me . " " Anything . You name it and it 'll be yours . " She laughed and he could hear the tension in it . " What is it , baby ? Are you all right ? " " No . I 've been … I don 't think I can do this anymore . So much death and pain here now . " He asked her what it was . " I can 't tell you . But I 'm done . I want to come home and make a life . After my R & R , I 'm going to muster out . I want a house . A yard of my own . I want things to be normal . her was she able to speak . er body was too broken to do much more than just heal . orris made his way out to the back of the house and sat on the deck . is baby was coming home , and he doubted very much anything was going to be normal for her again . Norris ? " e looked up at his wife when she said his name . Norris , I can 't find your father . e was resting not ten minutes ago , and now he 's gone . " is body tensed up and he stood . ad could have gone anywhere in that little time . he man was like a magician when it came to escaping their notice and getting into trouble . alling the police to tell them what had happened , he began walking the streets . is dad would only be able to tell someone where he lived if he was having a good day . nd his dad 's good days had been few and far between in the last several weeks . ost everyone knew him , but there were a few that didn 't . Did you find your dad , Mr . Hutchinson ? " e told the officer that he 'd not about an hour later when he drove up behind him . I have all our men out looking for him . ou should go and talk to Mr . Whitfield like I suggested . im and his boys , they 'd sure be able to find him a good deal faster . " I know . 've been meaning to , but my daughter … she 's coming home soon . " fficer Petty told him that was wonderful as he stopped the cruiser and got out . She 's going to be spending a few weeks in the hospital , but she 'll be home soon enough . " You 've had a rough few months , Mr . Hutchinson . ut having Hutch home , that 'll take some of the burden off you and your family . he was always one to depend on . " e only nodded , knowing that she 'd be depending on them a great deal now . e 'd not been able to tell anyone anything because , frankly , he didn 't know anything . I 've got my men out looking for him , sir , like I said . e 'll find him for you . " e hoped so . hile it wasn 't cold out , still summer yet , he did worry about his dad taking a tumble into something and not getting out . r wandering into so " Yes . nd Bennie is still one of them . swear to you , if you make him wet his pants again , I 'll … I 'll … . " he laughed hard at his lack of a threat . He 's a good kid , Dylan . hy do you dislike him so much ? " He 's not a good kid , Dad . e 's a bully and a fucking prick . ut I 'll be good if he does . ow , what did you get Mom ? " y the time they 'd gotten to the mall , both had been having a good time . hen they went into the jeweler 's , she 'd offered to pay the difference on the watch he 'd gotten for her mom . I got it . hat did you get her ? " he only shook her head and told him not to guess . You did get her something , didn 't you ? " I got you both something . " orris had seen her stiffen up and turned to see Bennie behind him . Hello , Bennie . " Well , well , well . f it 's not the terror of Washington street . ome for good , this time , Dylan ? r are you headed back to out of country ? " ennie made those quotation signs with his fingers when he asked her about the country . Me and the boys , we think you 're just in prison . girl like you , that 's where you belong . " Dad ? " e hadn 't wanted trouble , not then or now , but there really was something simply mean about Bennie today . nd after that , he 'd noticed it a great deal more . Dad , I 'm doing what you asked , but it 's not easy . " You shoplifting , Dylan ? s that what you learned in prison ? r , I 'm sorry , in the army ? " ennie reached for her , and even standing there beside her , Norris hadn 't seen her move . efore he could tell her to go for it , Bennie was on the floor screaming to be released . You 've fucking broke my hand . " he laughed and told him she 'd not . You have . can feel it . " No , I didn 't . only stopped you from touching me . owever , I can break it if you want . " orris told her not to just yet . All right . ut I did try to be good , Dad . e started it . " He did . saw it . " he police were called and she was asked to let the mall cop go . fter several witneThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , Book One in series , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Release Day , Tigers on April 17 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . rayden The Stanton Pack Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Dane had no idea who she was . She 'd been shot and couldn 't even remember who she was hiding from . All she did know was she needed help , and when Julian Stanton found her , he took her to his family . Brayden Stanton was just tired of everything . It was time to leave Africa and go home to family . He called his dad to tell him that he was fed up with the job and he was on his way home , and he was bringing a fiancée with him . She wasn 't his mate , but he was going to make it work . He realized his mistake the moment he proposed . Danger comes at every turn . The women in Brayden 's life are surrounded with it . Both are lethal , but one has Brayden 's heart from the beginning . The question is , can the family survive it ? Chapter 1 She sat up , then promptly leaned over and threw up twice . The first time she 'd woken up , her head had hurt so badly she was sure something was stabbing her there . But one touch to her head had her fainting away again . Lying back down , she lay there trying to make the sick feeling in her head go away . Touching it gingerly , she felt the blood there again and the slice along her head , but there wasn 't any memory of how it had gotten there . Nor - and this frightened her more than the head wound did - who or where she was . Jane Doe . That 's what she 'd been referring to herself as since she 'd awoken the second time . It had been dark where she first holed up . Not that the daylight she had now made things any clearer for her . Looking around from her position on the floor , she realized that she might be in some really old building that hadn 't seen a broom or dust rag in a very long time . Slowly she rolled to her back , closing her eyes so she wouldn 't get sick again . " You need help , girl . " She had also started talking to herself , she realized , and wondered if that was new or something she did all the time . Asking herself questions about the things she did know about herself didn 't ring any bells either , but she listed them now . " You 've been shot and wounded . You 're female , and you 're smart enough to know that hiding out was the best course of action for yourself . And you carry a gun . " She wrapped her fingers around the gun that hadn 't left her side since she woke , and found it tucked tightly against her belly . It didn 't feel foreign to her , but like something that she wore as routinely as she did a shirt or socks . There was a holster for it , but the gun hadn 't been in it like it was now . Leather and steel , it had been strapped to her waist with one full magazine . Searching for any kind of identification hadn 't netted her anything . She had found a wound in her leg that had bothered her for a little bit , but not nearly like her head did . As she lay there , she thought of what couLeave a reply Caleb Winchester didn 't care for his boss , in fact he despised him . He hadn 't meant to quit that day - the words ' I quit ' spilled from his mouth without thinking - but once said he had no regrets . He was a good ad executive , he could find another job . Quinn Dorsey and her father , Alexander , had seen Caleb 's work and that was the artist they needed for their dog food labels . When the agency couldn 't deliver the ad campaign they ordered , and then lied about Caleb working on the project , they went looking for the man himself . Caleb hadn 't expected his customers to seek him out , but when Alexander shows up at Caleb 's house with his daughter , Quinn , Caleb is floored - she 's his mate and she 's been marked by another alpha . Caleb 's not going to let an alpha beat him out of his mate . This lunatic has been marking females left and right , but if Caleb claims her , he risks not only his life , but the life of his mate and family as well … . " Dag nabbit boy , what is wrong with you ? Do you have sawdust in that noggin of yours ? " Caleb said he wasn 't sure . " I 'd be thinking you 'd better be getting sure if you wanna live through this here thing . Your momma , she 's going to be having herself a kitten if I don 't miss my bet . " He looked over at the truck , or what was left of it . Caleb wanted to tell his dad that it wasn 't his fault , that he 'd done nothing wrong , only he was sure that he 'd still be in trouble . Caleb had been driving and he had hit the tree . " I 'll pay for the damages . " His dad said he darn tooting was . " And I 'll make sure that the tree is all right . I don 't know how I 'll make that happen , but I will . Mr . Wheedle likes this tree , and I would feel bad if it died . " The tow truck arrived about ten minutes later , and Caleb saw his mom get out of it almost before it was completely stopped . She asked him if he was all right , then she hugged him . Caleb waited for her to make sure he wasn 't bleeding profusely , then stood straighter when she glared . " Where were you going in an all - out hurry ? " He told her he wasn 't speeding . She looked at the truck , which was on the dolly now , then at him . " You want to tell me why the truck , the only vehicle that we have , is all mangled up like those towels you left on the floor this morning ? " " I wasn 't driving fast , but the wolf that ran out in front of me seemed to be … I think it was hurt . " He looked over at his dad , then at the ground again as he continued . " A wolf came out of nowhere . I wasn 't going to hit it , but it seemed to just jump in front of me . Like it was trying to kill itself . I swerved to miss it and lost control . I 'm not blaming the wolf , because I was the one driving , but I didn 't want to hurt the wolf . But like I told Dad , I 'll pay for all the damages and work on the truck until it 's running again . " Neither of his parents said anything and Caleb looked up . They were looking at each other , and he felt his wolf run over his skin . Ther " I know you do , son . So do I . To lose a mate … you know how that would make me feel should I lose your father . " She hugged him again . " But I need for you to do me a favor . A big one . And before you say something , yes , it is a lie , but it 's a good lie . Don 't tell anyone what happened here today . The pack will frown on him trying this . " " All right . " He looked at the truck , then back at his parents . " I 'll still take care of this . I swear to you that I will . And I 'll make sure that I keep a better lookout for Mr . Cartwright , too . " " You do that , Caleb . You go on ahead and do that for him . " Caleb and his dad made their way to the tow truck . " You know why we don 't want you to say anything ? I mean , the real reason ? " " No sir . " He watched his dad help Mom into the tow truck . She didn 't need it ; Caleb knew that , but he loved watching his parents together . They loved each other the best , he thought . Always thinking of the other one no matter what was going on . " Mr . Cartwright loved his mate . I know that you understand that part of it , but he had nobody but her . They don 't have themselves any children or anybody else to call their own . If he were to die like this , by suicide , the pack wouldn 't bury him in a proper way . They 'd just let his body rot in the field where he crawled to and let him just be more alone . On account ' a that , he 'd not be next to his mate in the cemetery . Understand ? " " Yes , sir . He 's a good man who 's suffered a great loss . " His dad said that was it . " I 'll go on over and see him later . I won 't mention what happened , just see if he wants to go fishing or something . Keep him company . " " You 're a good boy , Caleb . All you boys are . I 'm right proud of you . " Caleb felt his face heat up with embarrassment . " Now , you go on home . I 'll work something out with the driver here . We 'll muddle through this . I swear it . " Caleb knew that his family ran right on the edge of poverty , like a lot of families around here . But unlike most of them " And that means what to me ? Are you telling things that aren 't true , boy ? You do that and I 'll come after your entire family . " Caleb asked him what he meant by that . " What did you tell your parents about wrecking the truck ? " Caleb looked at the ground again . He 'd not said a thing about the truck , or wrecking for that matter . Mr . Cartwright would only know that if he 'd been there . His parents were right in what they had thought . " I just needed to take a little break , that 's all . I thought … . Well , I guess you have more important things to do than to spend a lazy hour with a kid . " He nodded at him , his heart hurting for what the man was going through . " I 'll see you around , Mr . Cartwright . " " Now hold on there a minute . I never said I 'd not go . " He stood up and Caleb tried not to notice how his face was a little scuffed up and that he was walking slower than usual . " You and me , we 'll go fishing today , but I don 't want you to make a habit of just showing up here . You need to be working on your math more than you need to be fishing with an old man . " Mr . Cartwright got them both some gear and even packed them up a nice basket of food to share . There was sweet tea to go with it , too . As they made their way down to the stream , Mr . Cartwright told him about how he had a good recipe for trout , and that he had some stored apples still from last year . The two of them caught nine trout and two catfish . As he was helping the man gather up their papers from the food and the gear , Mr . Cartwright asked him if he 'd take the entire catch with him to his house . " I already told my mom what I caught . She said that there was so much , you should come join us . " He hadn 't talked to his mom , but knew that if Mr . Cartwright would agree then he would . " She even baked a nice peach cobbler today . I was smelling it this morning . I 'm betting there might be some homemade ice cream too . " In the end , Caleb was able to convince Mr . Cartwright to join them , and his dad said he 'd dig out the ol " I did too . It 's the first enjoyment I 've had in a while . " Caleb nodded . " And if you want to come by here and see me , I 'll not be sorry about that either . You 're a good boy , Caleb . I hope you know that . " " I hope so . My mom will be really disappointed in me if I 'm not . " He laughed with Caleb . " I 'll come by tomorrow , sir . And we 'll see about fixing that leaky roof that you were telling me about . All right ? " " Yes , I 'd like that . I might have a few other chores around here that you can help me with too , if you 'll allow me to pay you for them . " He said that wasn 't necessary , but he 'd like the company . " I would as well . I 'll see you tomorrow then . " Caleb returned home with a lighter step . He knew that things were going to be tighter now . His dad had told him that the truck towing alone cost nearly fifty dollars , more than he knew his parents had . He was going to go see Shelton in the morning to see if he could work off a bit of that a week . Caleb was going to hold to his promise of paying for the damage . ~ ~ ~ Arnold sat on his rocker and felt better than he had in a while … since his wife had taken her last breath , as a matter of fact . He wiped at the tears that fell , thinking that he just hurt to think about her too much . " I failed you , my darling . Failed to come to you today . " He looked in the direction that the young Caleb had taken . " I should have been a little more selective of who I ran in front of , I guess . An older driver , he wouldn 't have been that quick to swerve to miss me . But I got me a friend out of this mess I put me in . A few of them , I think . And the trout was almost as good as you made me on occasion . " Rocking more , he thought of the Winchester family and how meager their table had been tonight . He wondered what they might have eaten had they not brought the fish to them . But whatever might have been on their table , he was sure that they would have enjoyed it and felt blessed by it . He rocked a little harder . " They got themselves nothing to geboy , Caleb , he 's going to be running me around , and I need him to have something to use . " " There are two old beaters in the back that run all right . But I don 't know , Mr . Cartwright . You might need something better than that . I 'd surely hate to think of the two of you broken down on the side of the road . How about I let him take that car that Masterson never paid for ? It 's a beauty and runs like it 's in its second childhood . " Shelton understood what he was doing , even if Arnold was a little nervous about it . " I think it 'll hold you both , and his family , should they need to be on an outing together . What do you think ? It won 't cost you a thing either . Mr . Masterson said I could have it for working on it . " By the time he hung up the phone , he 'd planned to have the towing paid by him and his old truck looked at to make sure it was running well . There wasn 't any reason why he couldn 't drive himself around , but to have that boy helping him might be worth it . As he settled into his chair again , Arnold spoke to his lovely wife . " I might not be joining you just yet , my love . This family , I have a feeling that they need me as much as I do them . And I have a powerful need to help them out . " He nodded into the darkness , thinking of how much more alive he felt because a boy hadn 't killed him like he 'd wanted . " You just hang on tight and I 'll be there soon enough . I need to be helpful to them and in return … . Well , I think they 're going to be more helpful to me than I ever thought . " Over the next few weeks , not only did he get his leaky roof fixed by Caleb , but he also got his lawn mowed , his bushes trimmed , and he even got the steps to his barn repaired . Not only did Caleb help him , but the rest of them , including that mom of his , lent him a hand or two . He had berries in his freezer , and a few little pies he could eat when he wanted . His pants were patched up , and there wasn 't a single button missing off any of his shirts . His wife , Thelma , she 'd been sick for a time , and ttreat for her to go shopping and not have to load it all in the back end of that old truck of ours . And don 't think I don 't know that you 've made a few other things happen for us too . I 'm appreciative of it , I swear to you . But you don 't have to go making up work for me . I 'm glad to help you out . " Arnold started to speak , but Kelley cut him off before he could . " Caleb is learning a lot from you . How to be a better man , and to know that not everything he does needs to have a payment in the end in the form of money . I thank you for that too . But like I said , you 've done about enough . " " No , I 've not , Kelley . Without you - without that boy there - I 'd be dead now . We both know it . " Kelley nodded and Arnold nodded before continuing . " That day that I hurt him - and I know that it did - but that day he gave me something I 'd not had in a long while , since my wife took ill . He gave me purpose . And this job that I have for you , it 's not a made up one . I do need you . I have … I don 't have anyone else . " " You know that I 'll surely be glad to help you . You 're a good man . " Arnold thanked him . " What is it you need help with ? I 'm not too smart , but I 'll give it my best shot . " Arnold had no doubt whatsoever that he would too . Yes , sir , he was going to have the time of his life with this family .

As younger siblings tend to do , I absolutely worshiped my older brother Calvin . He always seemed like the coolest person in the world to me . No matter what he did , it fascinated me beyond belief . Everybody liked him . He was president of his class , a star baseball player , and just had an all around great personality . All the girls thought that he was such a stud , much to my surprise . And although he was older , Calvin wasn 't the stereotypical monster . I think that 's why we got along so well . For one thing , he would never dream of hurting me in any way . When I told my psychiatrists this , they couldn 't believe it . An older brother that never once tortured his younger sister ? There was no way one of those existed anywhere . But Calvin was different . He would never hurt a fly . His bedroom door was always open whenever I needed someone to talk to . He 'd let me lie on his floor and listen to his Led Zeppelin records with him while he did his homework . I felt like the luckiest girl in the world . As the two of us grew up , in a small town in the middle of Rhode Island , we only became closer . Maybe it was because of our family situation , but we both needed each other greatly . Our father was an alcoholic . He 'd always come home drunk , and take out all of his anger on us . Calvin never let him get to me , though . He would let me sleep with him in his bed most nights , so I wouldn 't have to hear our parents fighting through the bedroom walls alone . Our mother was a saint . She was one of the only people I could turn to for help . She was the only one besides my brother who understood the pain . Sadly , she died when I was thirteen . The autopsy showed that Mom had had an overdose on painkillers . They ruled it as accidental , but I was never so sure . After she was gone , our father only got worse . It got so bad that the second he graduated , Calvin moved into an apartment on the other side of town , and took me with him . Our father barely protested . I 'm pretty sure he never wanted kids in the first place . From then on , it was just Calvin and I , on our own in the big world . He attended the local community college , and worked part time at a grocery store . It wasn 't the most glamorous thing , but it helped to get food on the table . I was hard to look after . I was deeply disturbed after such a tough childhood . I wasn 't good at making friends or being friendly . But my brother never turned his back on me . We were away from our broken home , and were happy just to have each other . It 's at this point in our lives that we made the biggest mistake we ever could . The two of us didn 't know it at the time . But to this day , I still regret picking up that phone more than anything . It was the end of summer , around 1976 . The winds were brisk , as early September was approaching fast . Calvin and I had been on our own then for about two years . I was fifteen ; he was nineteen . I remember that I was sitting at the kitchen table , finishing my homework . Calvin was working on fixing frozen TV dinners . The phone was in the living room . I jumped up immediately when it started to ring . " Hello ? " I asked into the receiver . It was Joey Malone . Joey was my brother 's best friend in high school . The two of them were practically joined at the hip , until they went their separate ways for college . Joey was in Miami , and I could hear the longing for his friend in his voice . After we caught up for a brief moment , he turned serious . " Hey , lemme talk to your brother real quick , " Joey said . " I 've got some news that I think he might like . " I rolled my eyes playfully and handed the receiver to Calvin . I could hear my brother laughing from the living room as he caught up with his old friend . They must have been on the phone for a good hour , because I had already taken our TV dinners out of the oven and had finished mine by time Calvin walked in . " Hey , sorry about that , Laurel . " He smiled softly , taking a seat across from me . " Man , you 'll never believe what Joey 's been up to ! " I cocked an eyebrow suspiciously . " No , but he might as well be . His neighbors are going to be in Bermuda for Labor Day weekend , and he 's throwing a monster party in their house while they 're gone ! He 's invited us to come and crash it ! Can you believe it ? " He chuckled , taking a bite of frozen chicken . I should have known right then that we shouldn 't go . It was illegal to break into someone 's home , but even more illegal to throw a party in it . I should have known that it wasn 't a good idea . But I was a naive , fifteen - year - old girl , and all I wanted most in the world was to be a legend like my big brother was . So of course , I agreed . Calvin and I planned to drive up to Joey 's house . It would take us about a day from Rhode Island , but the two of us were so stoked , we didn 't even notice . We spent the long car ride blasting the Doors on the radio , and singing the lyrics way off key . This was definitely when I felt most content . It was the best time of my life . Little did I know the terror that we 'd be thrown into later that night … if I had , I would have made Calvin turn the car around and drive off a cliff . We had been in the car for about thirteen hours . It was around nine o ' clock that night when we noticed that we were in a nowhere land . Our map said we were in New Jersey , but it didn 't seem like it . " Are you sure we aren 't lost ? " I asked my brother as I chewed a wad of bubblegum . He kept his eyes firmly on the road ahead of us , nodding his head . We must have been driving through nothing but trees for another hour before I finally declared that we were lost . My brother had the crazy idea that his best friend was some kind of genius , but I knew better . Calvin was getting tired . I was getting restless . I had been sitting in the same position for too long , and I couldn 't feel my legs . " Don 't you think I would have about two hours ago ? There 's nowhere to pull over to , " Calvin replied , stifling a cough . It turned into a slight wheeze , which caused my ears to perk up . " Are you okay ? " I asked him , concern filling my voice . He nodded , brushing it off as just a tickle in his throat . Usually that would have been enough to disinterest me . But that night , I was on full alert . Calvin had really bad asthma . I 'd almost lost him many times because of it , which was scary to think about . Almost as scary as the endless road in front of us . " Shit , " he 'd grumble to himself . " That jackass had no idea what he was talking about . " I didn 't reply . I knew he wouldn 't admit that I was right . I was beginning to feel uncomfortable with our surroundings . It was weird that we had driven two hours through nothing but trees , only seeing another passing car every fifty miles or so . I didn 't want to admit it , but I was scared . Where were we going to sleep ? On the side of the road ? Just the thought of that creeped me out . Both of us were hungry . At one point , Calvin had asked me to check the map to see if there were any rest stops or motels anywhere close . There weren 't . Not until it was about ten thirty . Calvin was practically falling asleep at the wheel , when my eyes fell upon a small speck on our ancient looking map . " Calvin ! Get up ! " I shook him , excitement rising in my voice . " There 's a restaurant coming up in about twenty miles ! " His eyes popped open . " Yeah ! It 's called O ' Malley 's Family Restaurant . There should be an exit up ahead somewhere . " I couldn 't believe our luck . It did strike me as odd that this was the only sign of civilization for hundreds of miles , but I was so hungry , I didn 't care . I gave Calvin the directions to the place . There weren 't any signs in the pitch - black forests , but I knew that we were getting close . I could feel it . Pretty soon , Calvin turned , and there it was . I can still see the neon sign and bright lights . O ' Malley 's looked like your typical 1950 's styled diner . It was small building with large glass windows , making it easy to look inside . I could see a few people sitting down . Calvin parked on the dirt road outside . I jumped out anxiously , dying to stretch my legs . It was a lot colder in that area for September . I pulled a sweatshirt over my head , as Calvin buttoned up his jacket . I could smell coffee and homemade pie drifting out through the sliding glass door . Calvin and I walked side by side . As I looked up at the sign , I noticed there was another part to it that I hadn 't seen before . It flickered every now and then in the moonlight : " I guess you could spend the night here too , if you wanted . " Calvin smirked . We stepped through the door . The floors were checkered , and the rows of red vinyl booths were almost all filled . There were a few burly looking men over at the counter , sipping hot coffee out of mugs . A woman sat with her young daughter , the two of them giggling softly , eating plates of pancakes . A group of teenagers in leather jackets stood over by the jukebox . One slipped a dime into it , and some ancient tune by Buddy Holly started to play . An unbelievable feeling of dread immediately fell over me . It came out of nowhere , but it wouldn 't go away . I immediately regretted pulling up there . I didn 't even hear the woman come up to us . " Can I help you , kids ? " Her voice was soft like butter . I glanced up and was met with the dark eyes of an elderly woman . She wore a red dress and matching shoes , a dirty apron draped over her front . Her apple doll face smiled down at us , her silver hair gleaming in the lights overhead . I didn 't speak . I don 't know why , but I couldn 't open my mouth . " Yes , ma ' am , " Calvin said with a smile . " We 'd just like a quick bite to eat before we hit the road again . " He poked me in the back , and I nodded my head feebly in agreement . " Well , come on in ! My name is Millie , Millie O ' Malley . Welcome to my humble little restaurant ! " Her laugh had years of age visible in every syllable . Yet , it made me uncomfortable . " It 's nice to meet you , Millie . I 'm Calvin Duncan , and this is my sister Laurel . " I still didn 't feel right as I reluctantly took her hand in mine . I could see a bit of spinach in her teeth , which were obviously dentures . She was somebody 's grandmother . But something about her made me uneasy . I guess I got that way around anybody new that I met , but bad vibes were coming off of her . " Laurel . That 's such a lovely name . " I managed a weak smile as Millie let out another laugh . " Well , I don 't want to keep you kids just standing around . Come on , I 'll find you two a booth . " Calvin and Millie were talking up a storm . I hung behind them , pretending not to notice . I learned that Millie and her husband Ted had opened the restaurant a couple of years ago after retiring . She was the hostess , and he was the cook . They didn 't have any children , which is why Millie enjoyed it so much when younger people stopped in . Calvin was always so polite . He laughed at her jokes and told her our sob story . When she learned that we didn 't really have any parents , her expression changed . Almost to one of … delight . " Oh , you poor things . Well , consider me your mother for the night . " She handed us our menus as I took a seat across from my brother in the booth . Calvin just chuckled and thanked her once more . As she walked away , he opened his menu with a smile . " Isn 't she just the sweetest woman you 've ever met ? " He beamed , his light brown bangs falling over his eyes . I didn 't reply . I slouched down in my seat , not bothering to look at meal choices . I suddenly wasn 't hungry anymore . My eyes wandered elsewhere . I watched as the teenagers by the jukebox drank Cokes straight out of the bottle and talked amongst themselves . " What 's the matter ? Are you feeling okay ? " Calvin asked , concern in his voice . I just nodded my head . I didn 't answer when he asked me what I wanted to eat . I knew that I was getting on his nerves , but I honestly couldn 't care less . When Millie came over to take our orders , I remained quiet . Calvin ordered us pancakes and hot chocolate with a warm smile . As she walked away , he turned back to me , his expression annoyed . " Mrs . O ' Malley . Don 't you feel it ? She 's weird . Something about her doesn 't seem right to me . " I don 't know how he couldn 't see it . " She 's just being nice . God , stop acting stuck up and try to appreciate what she 's doing for us , " Calvin shot back harshly . I rolled my eyes and didn 't speak to him for the remainder of our meal . I now wish that I would have . I didn 't know then that that would be one of the last moments I would ever spend with my brother again . When our food arrived , Calvin thanked Millie for me . I picked at my food and stared down at my shoes . Calvin pretended not to notice . We never fought . We would have squabbles , and this was one of them . Calvin was always so patient with me . He had a good heart and took good care of me . But I wasn 't an easy kid to look after . I often wonder if that 's what got my father so angry . I was extremely stubborn . I was reluctant to anybody who wasn 't Calvin . I had trust issues from growing up in a home where I didn 't feel safe . I came off as cold a lot of the time , and my brother was usually the only one who could comfort me . But even he sometimes got fed up . " I 'm going to the bathroom , " I spoke for the first time in half an hour . Calvin just nodded his head , taking a sip of his drink . I slid out of the vinyl booth and made my way to the back . I locked myself in a stall and stood against the wall . I don 't know how long I was in there . I just needed to be away from that table . When I returned , however , Calvin was talking to Millie and who I assumed was her husband , Ted . He was a bigger man , with a few gray hairs still clinging to his balding head . His greasy apron hung over khaki pants and a green flannel shirt . They were all laughing about something , Calvin stopping to cough now and again . I walked over to the table as quietly as I could . Calvin looked up at me and smirked . " Well , speak of the devil . " He joked , motioning for me to come sit by him . I sat on his lap , like I used to do when I was younger . He must have forgiven me , or at least have been faking it in front of the O ' Malley 's . I didn 't care . I clung to my brother tightly . " We 're driving up to Florida , to visit some old friends , " Calvin replied . " I 'm glad that we found this place , though . " Millie glanced at Ted . He blinked , his expression changing to one of pleasure . They stayed silent for a moment , as if contemplating an answer . I clutched Calvin 's jeans in my hand . " We 're a bit in the middle of nowhere , I guess , " Ted chuckled hoarsely . He was missing a few teeth . The remaining ones in his mouth were all yellow . I turned to look out the window . I watched the truck as the three of them continued to talk . " Well , we 'd really like to thank you folks for your kind hospitality . How much do I owe you ? " Calvin asked , reaching into his pocket for his wallet . Millie shook her head . " No . It 's on the house . " When my brother tried to protest , she put a bony finger to his lip . He smiled in gratitude , getting up to leave . I jumped off of his lap gently and was just about to reach for the door , when Ted jumped menacingly in my way . " Hey , what do you kids think you 're doing ? You can 't go driving out now . It 's nearly one o ' clock in the morning . " I wouldn 't know . There were no clocks or signs of time anywhere in the diner . It was like we were in the Twilight zone . I glanced worriedly at Calvin , trying to signal him to keep walking . " You two look like you 've been driving all day . I don 't think it would be wise to be behind the wheel when you 're tired . Come on in the back . We 've got a nice little motel where you kids can stay until morning . " I froze . There was no way in hell that I was spending another second with those creeps . " I don 't know , Laurel . I 'm really tired , and you 're still underage . I don 't want to put our lives at risk by falling asleep at the wheel . " Calvin said feebly . I shook my head and grabbed his hand . He was stronger than me , though . I got pulled back onto the checkered floor . " Wonderful . Ted will show you two to the motel across the way . If you 'll give me your car keys , I can go fetch your luggage for you . " My mouth was dry . I watched as my brother pulled his keys out of his back pocket and told her where our suitcases were . I couldn 't believe it . I grabbed on to the back of Calvin 's jacket as I watched Millie walk outside . He just brushed me off . I trailed behind hopelessly . Ted led us into another building a few feet away from the restaurant . It was smaller than the diner , but only by a little . It was made entirely out of logs , as if Abe Lincoln had built it only weeks prior . He and Calvin were chatting away about who knows what . Ted pulled a key out of his pocket and quietly pushed the door open . The inside of the motel was depressing . The walls were made completely out of wood , and portraits of mountain landscapes hung on them in rows . An oriental rug lay on the floor , just underneath the front desk . There was a guestbook , a cactus in a small pot and a vintage looking hand bell on top of it . I shuddered . There was a heavy draft in there . It looked as if there had been vacancy for years . " Well , this is the place . I don 't think its necessary to have you two sign in the guestbook , so I 'll show you up to your room . " Ted smiled , his grotesque teeth glimmering in the light . He led us up a staircase on the right side of the lobby . The hallway was lit by a few mothy , overhead lamps . It was long , and just like the rest of the motel , wooden . There were about five rooms on each side of us , the doors closed . It was a bit dusty , which started up another round of quiet wheezing for Calvin . I rolled my eyes . He got us into this . I felt no sympathy . " Ah . Here we are . " Ted finally exclaimed . He stood in front of a room and pulled open the door . There were two twin beds with quilt blankets and feathered pillows . A large window with a desk underneath faced us . The carpet was a rusty red , the wallpaper slightly peeling at the edges . Some more paintings of mountains and seasides hung around on pathetic looking nails . I swallowed thickly . Ted reached over me , placing a meaty hand on the light switch above my head . The room didn 't look any better , as it was flooded with an eerie , orange - ish light . " It looks very homey . Thanks a lot , Ted . " Calvin smiled . I slowly descended inside and sat on one of the beds , sinking down almost immediately . I could distantly hear Ted telling my brother where the bathroom was , where to go for breakfast , things like that . I watched silently as Millie returned upstairs with our luggage . I must have zoned out for longer than I thought , because when I looked back , the door was closed and Calvin was unpacking our suitcases . " We shouldn 't be here . " I spoke for the first time in what felt like forever . The walls felt like they were closing in on me . Calvin remained silent as he tossed me my pajamas . " What are you going to tell Joey ? We 're supposed to be at his house tonight . " I heard my brother let out a loud sigh . It was the kind of sigh that your father might let out at the end of a long day . I knew I was a problem child . I knew that it took a lot of patience to look after me . I was stressful to deal with . If Calvin hadn 't rescued me from the wrath of our father , I would probably have turned out way worse . I understood why he was tired . He was tired of me . Tired of having to deal with me . Calvin must have sensed my uneasiness . He walked over slowly and took a seat beside me on the bed . I felt his arm wrap around my shoulder and squeeze it tightly . We didn 't say anything . There was nothing we could say . There was nothing that my brother could do to ease my tension . He rested his chin on my shoulder . I could hear his raspy breathing in my ear . " We 're going to be okay , Laurel . You need to sleep . " And with that , he kissed my cheek and turned back to his side of the room . We faced opposite directions as we undressed and got into our pajamas . I reluctantly slipped under the moth eaten blanket and freezing cold sheets after sitting up in an uncomfortable silence for nearly half an hour . There was no way I was going to sleep . I looked up at the dirty ceiling for what felt like hours , listening to Calvin 's breathing . I don 't know what time it was when I woke up . I must have dozed off , yet I don 't remember it . Calvin is what woke me up . I heard him hastily throw his quilt onto the floor . I heard him rustling through his suitcase . His breathing was labored , as if he had just ran a marathon . I lay up in bed . " Cal ? Are you okay ? " I asked into the darkness . I didn 't get a response . The zipper was unzipped , and I heard my brother quickly rustling through his clothes . Eventually , he found what he was looking for and walked towards the door . " I - I 'm fine . I just need some fresh air . " Calvin gasped out , clutching his inhaler in his hand . Light flooded our room as he stepped into the hallway quietly . He had these episodes a lot . I always felt so helpless when he did . There was nothing I could do except watch with wide eyes as he struggled to breathe . He sounded so pained ; it broke my heart . I wanted to go after him that night , but I didn 't . I don 't know why , but I wish I would have . Those were the last words that I ever heard him speak . He was out there for about twenty minutes before I finally walked out to check on him . It usually took him a little while to calm down from those little fits . I just wanted to sit next to him and rub his back and tell him that I was sorry for being a nuisance . I wanted to do what he had done for me for so many years : care for him . My feet were freezing in the brisk hallway . I rubbed my arms as goose bumps started forming on my pale skin . I reached inside for my sweatshirt and pulled it over my head . Looking around , panic slowly started to rise in my throat . I checked across the hall in the bathroom to see if Calvin was in there . He wasn 't . There weren 't many places he could go . " Calvin ? " I called out into the hallway . There was no response . I quietly walked back into our room and put on a pair of slippers . I snuck down the hallway and raced down the staircase . He wasn 't in the lobby either . I wanted to cry . I choked back a heaving sob and turned back upstairs . There is no worse feeling than being completely alone in a place that you don 't know . It 's even worse when the only person you want to comfort you isn 't there . One of the hallway lamps flickered overhead . I couldn 't help the tears that streamed down my face . My mind was racing with possibilities of where my dear brother could have gone . In those moments , I regretted ever being mad at him . I wondered if he had stormed off and left because I was just that annoying . I was so caught up in my panic that I didn 't see what I had tripped on . I went flying face first onto the oriental carpet . My face burned . As I turned my body around to try and ease the pain , my eyes widened in shock . Calvin 's inhaler was lying on the ground . It was just outside the door to our room , where I had seen him go out earlier . It was then that I knew that something was seriously wrong . Calvin wouldn 't leave that lying around by choice . He wouldn 't just drop it by accident . It suddenly dawned on me that wherever he went , he went unwillingly . I let out a sob . I curled up in a fetal position and called out his name one more time . A thousand thoughts pounded at the inside of my head . I tried to shake them off , but they wouldn 't leave . I reached my shaking arm out and took the inhaler in my hands . I rolled the plastic around in my palm as I stood up , placing it in the pocket of my sweatshirt . I had to find him . We needed to get out of here . I didn 't care if he didn 't agree . Once I found I him , we 'd drive away and never come back to this fucking freak show . I dashed back into our room and grabbed the car keys off of the bedside table . I didn 't bother grabbing anything else . My only focus was getting the hell out of there . I tiptoed down the staircase , the wood creaking underneath my feet . Pushing open the door , I ran as fast as I could towards the diner , my only exit to the outside world . The lights were still on inside , much to my surprise . I tried not to pay attention to the menacing trees leaning over me as I raced to the back door . I was prepared to pound on it until my knuckles were red and bloody , but it opened almost immediately . I quietly slipped inside , looking anxiously for any sign of my brother . I could see Calvin 's truck on the other side of one of the clear glass windows . It looked so close , yet so far away . I don 't know how much adrenaline was pumping through my body at that exact moment , but it took every ounce of strength I had not to just bolt then and there . The only thing that stopped me was the sound of a metal object clattering to the tiled floor behind me . It echoed loudly into my ears . As far as I could see , there was no one besides me in the building . All of the customers were long gone . I spun around quickly , my neck jerking hard in the process . The doors to the kitchen were closed . When I tried to pry one open , it was locked . I kicked it as hard as I possibly could . My toes were slowly bruising . I screamed out into the emptiness of the diner , for somebody , anybody , to come help me . It felt like I 'd been in there for years . A dizzying wave of nausea overtook me . I heard that object clatter again , as well as a few barely audible whispers . Someone said " Shit ! " and was quickly shushed . I had to hold my breath just to hear them again . Whatever it was was close by . My neck craned , trying to peer into the kitchen once more . The glass windows were hidden behind a black curtain , hung up so I couldn 't see inside . That had not been there earlier . I snuck around behind the counter and pressed my ear against the murky walls . There was a sudden silence . And then , the shuffling of feet on the tiled floor . I don 't know what urged me to do it . It could 've been the adrenaline , or the hopelessness that had overwhelmingly taken over my body that night . On the counter , there were rows of ketchup bottles and silverware . I grabbed a fork out from under a napkin and clutched it in my sweaty palms . I knew there was somebody , or something , behind that window . I wasn 't alone in there . I jammed the fork onto the glass . It didn 't do anything at first . Yet after about thirty seconds , I had made some progress . The glass was starting to crack . I kept banging and banging it until it shattered in front of me . The millions of pieces seemed to fall in slow motion . I didn 't step back , though . For as I pulled away the sheet , nothing on earth could prepare me for what I was about to stumble on to . A stream of smoke poured out through the broken glass . But even through it , I could see that the O ' Malley 's kitchen was a typical diner kitchen . There were a few stoves and ovens . A refrigerator in the back held week 's worth of food . But that was not what caught my attention . The overwhelming stench of burning flesh filled my nostrils . I coughed and gagged , struggling hard to get a breath out . . My eyes started to tear up . I flailed my arms in an attempt to clear a path , but found myself unsuccessful . The grotesque smell was prying into my soul . I wanted to vomit . " Who 's there ? " I recognized the voice . It was the voice of the man who had taken Calvin and I to our rooms a couple hours before . I didn 't make a sound . I still couldn 't see , but eventually the smoke cleared through the broken window . My watery eyes soon adjusted to the fluorescent lighting . My mouth fell open in horror . Ted and Millie O ' Malley stood in the middle of the kitchen . There was a silver pot , about the size of a record player , resting on a table in the center . It was the first time that I got a good look around me . Blood was splattered on every inch of the walls surrounding us . It dripped down in streams and formed small puddles on the floor . There was cleaver clutched in Ted 's meaty fist , gleaming menacingly in the light . Millie stood beside him , a wooden spoon at her side . It was wet and covered in what looked like oversized worms . Intestines . I didn 't speak . My attention turned to the pot , still boiling and bubbling . I saw my brother 's pajamas strewn into a pile in the corner . I could see clumps of his mousy brown hair sticking to the sides of the pot . My feet stayed frozen in place as the stench of his burning flesh filled my head and every inch of my body . My eyes burned . My mouth was dry . I couldn 't even utter a scream . It was then that the O ' Malley 's realized they had been found out . " Grab her ! " Millie snarled in a cackling voice beyond description . Ted lunged for me , but I was too quick . The fat ass fell on his front , face first into a puddle of Calvin 's blood . Millie grabbed the cleaver and threw it at the door , just as I pried it open and ran like hell . I ran outside the diner and flung open the door to the truck , jamming the keys inside . I could make out Millie 's body racing towards me in the night , but I started the car up faster . It sputtered for a moment , and then shot out like a rocket . I had no experience with driving , but that was not my top priority . I needed to find help . Tears were streaming down my face , blocking my vision . It was then that the agonizing screams fell . I was having a mental breakdown as I whisked unsteadily through the New Jersey trees . I let out howls of despair . Occasionally , I 'd spit up whatever food I had left in my stomach . The smell of that flesh wouldn 't leave me . I 'm sure I nearly drove off the road at least three times . But I didn 't care . They had killed Calvin . They had killed my brother , and chopped him up and fucking cooked him . I pounded my head on the wheel , the horn blasting into the night . I could feel the blood trickling down the side of my face , seeping into my hair . My vision was starting to show spots . I don 't know how long I had driven until I finally found a car on the side of the road . There was a man kneeling down to examine one of his tires . I jerked to a stop and flew out of the truck , slamming the door behind me . Vomit clung to the sides of my mouth , dried blood on my face , tears still gushing like a waterfall . He was an older man , with a wrinkled face and skunk streaks in his dark hair . I frightened him , for he stood back in fear . I knew I looked like a mess , a drug addict , whatever . I sounded like one too . " YOU NEED TO HELP ME ! THEY KILLED MY BROTHER ! THEY KILLED HIM THEY KILLED HIM THEY CHOPPED HIM UP AND THEY KILLED HIM ! " I remember falling to my knees and howling in pain . The man tried to pry me back up but I thrashed around in his arms . He groaned loudly as I kicked him right in the gut by accident . I could distantly hear his panicked voice trying to get an answer out of me . I shook my head rapidly , gasping for air . The wind pounded at my ears as I tried to speak . The last things I could make out were his eyes gleaming in the darkness as I wheezed out the name through the pain . I fell hard to the asphalt . They tell me that I was practically frothing at the mouth when they found me . I had blacked out for a moment , and the cops assumed I had died . But I woke up and screamed for hours . I was screaming for Calvin , screaming for somebody to help him , screaming for someone to believe me . Yet , to this day , no one does . O ' Malley 's Family Restaurant had been torn down in the late 1950 's . Once word got out that the seemingly friendly owners trapped their victims in their motel and ate them , it was barricaded and destroyed . Theodore and Millicent O ' Malley were given the death penalty in 1956 , twenty years before my brother and I pulled up that summer night . I later learned that they had killed over twenty travelers who crossed their paths , including a gang of motorcycle riders , a group of teenage greasers , and a woman with her young daughter . When the man who found me finally brought me over to the police , I was in hysterics . I was screaming at them that those bastards had killed my brother . I don 't know how they couldn 't have seen it in my eyes . They saw something . I 'm pretty sure they thought I was on drugs . I was a mess , but I had a good reason to be . I was handcuffed and thrown into the back of a patrol car . They drove me back to the exit where Calvin and I had turned earlier that night . Where the restaurant had stood mere hours earlier was just an empty lot . The sign wasn 't there . The building had disappeared . There was no motel , no sign that anybody had been there for years . It was just an empty patch of dirt , no sigh of life anywhere . No sign of Calvin . I tried to explain . I cried for what felt like years . I had slept in that bed up in that motel . I sat in that red vinyl booth with my brother and I had talked to the O ' Malley 's as they served us . I had seen the people at the tables , I had smelled the food , and I had been in there . Yet , no one believed me . The police searched for months on end , but they never did find my brother 's body . His final resting place had vanished into thin air . They never found any evidence of anything . I still had Calvin 's inhaler , in the pocket of my sweatshirt . I can 't tell you the number of times I shoved it in those cop 's faces , telling them that it was the key to finding out where he was . But I was a lost cause . They even had the audacity to accuse me of murdering him . My case was eventually out ruled due to lack of evidence , but my years of pain never stopped . The judge was convinced that I was mental and needed to be locked away . So they threw me in here , which is where I have been since the early autumn of ' 76 . I 'm a prisoner ; the only thing keeping me sane is the hope for some kind of justice . I 'm a grown woman now , writing this story down as a cry for help . I 'm hoping that somebody out there will believe me , someone who knows what I 'm talking about . I swear to God that I am not insane . . I felt it . I lived it . It survived it . It 's not all in my head , yet that has been what all of these doctors and psychiatrists have been trying to convince me for years . They said I 've imagined it all . All this medication pumping into my body has turned my brain to mush . But I know that I didn 't . It was too real to have possibly been a dream . I can still smell the flesh , still see the blood on the walls , the menacing faces of the O ' Malley 's staring down . The only thing I still have to remember that night by is Calvin 's inhaler . I hold it on to it every day , never letting it go . It 's the only thing I have to remind myself that my brother was real . It 's the only piece of evidence that I have . It 's the only part of him that they will never be able to take away from me . As younger siblings tend to do , I absolutely worshipped my older brother Calvin . He will always be my big brother . I will always be his little sister . I don 't know where he is , which is probably what haunts me the most . Any evidence that could have brought his killers to justice just vanished into thin air . I pray to the Lord every day that wherever he is , he is happy . Because he was my savior . He rescued me and cared for me and never let anybody do anything to me . Not a day goes by where I don 't think about what he would be doing . I 'm sure that Calvin would have been successful . He would have found a great wife and had a large family . He would have been the best father anyone could ever ask for . Growing up was hard . I had never been easy to look after . I had trust issues , social problems , and the only one who knew how to handle me was Calvin . Growing up without him in this prison was the worst thing anyone could possibly imagine . If I had been there for him more , maybe he would still be alive today . I wish that I could have been different . I wish that I could have acted better and tried to look past everything that I had been through . I wish I had been a better sister . You won 't find anything about the O ' Malley 's or Calvin Duncan anywhere on the Internet . It 's as if it was a tragedy meant just for us . It 's as if the whole world wants to forget , leaving it unexplained . Yet , there is a road down in the midst of New Jersey . If you turn at just the right spot , you might see the ghostly hue of a diner , filled with life and joy inside . Don 't be fooled , for it isn 't real . Keep driving , and don 't look back . But if you do happen to see a boy in the window , with mousy brown hair , kind eyes and a loving smile , you should wave at him . And you should yell out into the night that Laurel loves him and she misses him very much . And you should tell him that she is sorry that she couldn 't have done more .

< a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / works / 4161282 " >< strong > The Hope To Keep On Going < / strong >< / a > ( 35395 words ) by < a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / users / gabby227 " >< strong > gabby227 < / strong >< / a >< br / > Chapters : 15 / ? < br / > Fandom : < a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / tags / Teen % 20Wolf % 20 ( TV ) " > Teen Wolf ( TV ) < / a >< br / > Rating : Explicit < br / > Warnings : Major Character Death < br / > Relationships : Lydia Martin / Stiles Stilinski , Scott McCall / Kira Yukimura , Allison Argent / Isaac Lahey , Melissa McCall / Sheriff Stilinski , Peter Hale / Natalie Martin , Braeden / Derek Hale < br / > Characters : Lydia Martin , Stiles Stilinski , Kira Yukimura , Allison Argent , Jordan Parrish , Scott McCall , Natalie Martin , Sheriff Stilinski , Melissa McCall , Isaac Lahey , Laura Hale , Braeden ( Teen Wolf ) , Derek Hale , Peter Hale < br / > Additional Tags : Depression , Moving On , Sheriff Stilinski 's Name is John , Alternate Universe - College / University , Alternate Universe - Human , Friends to Lovers , Baker Stiles Stilinski , Stilinski Family Feels , First Dates , Getting Together , Explicit Sexual Content , Cunnilingus , Blow Jobs , Shower Sex , Falling In Love , Past Lydia Martin / Jordan Parrish , Vaginal Sex , Allison Argent & Lydia Martin Friendship , Fluff and Angst , Angst with a Happy Ending < br / > Summary : < p > It 'd been six months to the day that Jordan - Lydia 's life , her love , her best friend and her everything - had died over in Afghanistan . He had been a part of the Stilinski family , so Stiles had lost him , too . Can they help each other through the grief of losing someone so important to each other , and maybe move on along the way ? < / p > It 'd been six months to the day that Jordan - Lydia 's life , her love , her best friend and her everything - had died over in Afghanistan . He had been a part of the Stilinski family , so Stiles had lost him , too . Can they help each other through the grief of losing someone so important to each other , and maybe move on along the way ? I realize I 'm in the middle of a few stories right now , but plot bunnies are hitting me HARD lately . This actually started as just a what if thing in my head and then before I knew it , I was writing it . I have to thank stydia - fanfiction and Shae both over on tumblr for putting up with my rambling emails and asks and talking plot points through with me , and also for letting me bounce ideas off on the both of them . I marked major character death , but it 's already happened . Any of the Parrish / Lydia relationship is all in the past , as Jordan is already dead by the time the story opens . As usual , I have no updating schedule . Just please try to be patient with me . It 'd been six months . In fact , it 'd been six months to the exact day when Stiles came into her apartment and sat on the edge of her bed . " Lyds ? " he 'd asked . " Hey , Lydia , it 's me . " She poked her head out from underneath the comforter she was cocooned in and said , " Hey , Stiles . " " Hi , Lyds . " He watched her closely . " The doorman let me in . He knows me as . . . as Jordan 's brother . " It made Lydia 's stomach sink . She wanted to cover her head back up and slip into a deep sleep . She had sleeping pills for this very occasion . She had gotten them after . . . well , after it happened , and just kept getting them refilled . And she didn 't have to work if she didn 't want to . Sure , when it happened , Lydia had been in the middle of her junior year of college , studying mathematics , but she just quit . Just dropped out , because she felt like her life was ending . It 'd been six months to the very day since Jordan - her life , her love , her very best friend - had died over in Afghanistan . Six months since she had gotten the news . She wanted to crawl into a hole and die because she had loved him so very much and then he was just . . . he was just gone . So she just was . She locked herself in her apartment , didn 't go for her morning jogs , she didn 't even have friends over . She was quite content in just existing . Of course , Allison and Kira understood - Lydia had known they would - but they would sneak in with the keys they had made that they got from her mother . Natalie Martin was a wonderful woman , and a wonderful mother at that , but she did whatever she could to make sure that her daughter had what she needed . And she was the only one who had an emergency key . But when Jordan had been killed in that bombing , she got concerned . " Lyds ? " Stiles said gently . He licked his lips and watched her closely . She poked her head out of her cocoon and just watched him , her green eyes brimming with tears . " I know it hurts , Lyds . God , I know it does . It hurts just as much for me , Scott , Melissa and my dad . But you 've gotta go on living . Lyds , Jordan - he would want you toChapter 2 Well , fight was such a strong word , and not entirely accurate . Natalie Martin was sitting in the recliner in Lydia 's living room , legs crossed at the ankles and watching her daughter intently . Lydia was standing , pacing back and forth . Stiles had known Lydia for a long time and he knew that she only did that when she was really frustrated . They both glanced up when they heard Stiles come in , but didn 't say anything right away . " It 's not a death group , dear . It 's a support group . It 's a place where people who 've lost loved ones can go to get support , hence the name . They understand what you 're going through , Lydia , and I think it 's important that you go . " " I don 't see what 's wrong with that , " Stiles said . He saw the look Lydia shot him , but tried not to let it bother him . " I mean , this has been really hard on you . " This whole scene was almost unbelievable to Stiles . He would believe it , though , just because he 'd known the Martins for a long time , but it still made him laugh internally . Lydia was freaking out , practically yelling at her mother , but Natalie was the picture of calm . She didn 't even look fazed at all . She didn 't even look the slightest bit angry . She might have passed for worried , but she really didn 't look that , either . " I think it 's a good idea , " Stiles said , trying to ease the tension between Natalie and Lydia . Well , the tension he could tell Lydia had , anyway . " If it makes you feel any better , I 'll go with you . " " Of course I will , " Stiles said . " You weren 't the only one who lost Jordan , Lyds . I think it 'd be good for the both of us . " " So you guys are going to the support group together , then ? " Scott asked later that day , during their weekly video gaming marathon . With them in college , they didn 't have a whole lot of time anymore , especially with them both working , but they managed to get together once a week to game . Stiles shot at a zombie onscreen before looking at Scott , " Of course I am . Lydia is my friend and I 've been worried about her for a long time . She isolated herself from everyone , and you 've known Lydia as long as I have - it was really out of character for her . " Stiles paused before looking over at Scott , " Besides , dude , I lost him , too . " " You sure this has nothing to do with the fact that , even after all this time , you 're still madly in love with her ? " Scott asked . Stiles paused their game and looked at his best friend incredulously . " You 're not as subtle as you think you are , Stiles , " Scott said , watching Stiles ' confused expression . " Besides , man , I remember when Jordan and Lydia started dating in the first place . Don 't you ? " Of course he remembered . They had been sixteen and Stiles had been madly in love with Lydia for a long time before that . He had had his eye on her ever since the third grade when she , in front of everyone , told Stiles that he was an idiot for thinking that the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the best dinosaur because it was big . When she started to list the reasons that other dinosaurs were better than him , Stiles was hooked . In the beginning , it was her brain that he was in love with . She was smart , so fucking intelligent that she could tell you twenty reasons why you were wrong and make you believe that you were a complete idiot by the end of it . He knew he had felt that way more than once . It was the summer vacation between tenth and eleventh grades for Stiles , which meant that Jordan had just graduated in May . Stiles loved having him as a brother - Jordan meant a lot to Stiles , and they had grown close since the sheriff had taken Jordan in when he was eight . Sophomore year had been a milestone to Stiles , though , because he had finally gotten Lydia Martin to notice him . Sure , they weren 't a thing , but she knew he existed , and they even talked to one another and hung out . You could even say they were friends . That was one of the things that Stiles had wanted more than anything . During the summer , Jordan was working part time filing paperwork down at the police station . He was going off to college in the fall , and Stiles was pretty sure that this was a way that the sheriff could spend a little more time with Jordan before he went off . Of course , he was just going to Berkeley , but Jordan had pretty much been like a son to John for the last ten years and he worried about him . Besides that , everyone at the station loved him , and they were pretty sure that Jordan was going to make a great cop one day . " What are you doing here , Lyds ? " Stiles asked , his voice still laced with sleep . Hey , it was the first day of summer vacation and she showed up at his house at nine in the morning . Who the fuck even did that when they could sleep as late as they wanted ? She gave him a look that made him feel like a complete idiot before sighing deeply and saying , " I want to go down to the police station . Last night , my mom and I made cookies and she made me promise that I 'd take some down to the sheriff . I actually had to hide them so my dad wouldn 't get into them , and here , " she handed Stiles the top container , " This one 's for you . My mom thinks you 're a nice boy . But anyway , I don 't wanna go down there alone , and everybody knows that you practically live down there . So I thought you could go with me . . . I mean , if you wanna . " Stiles nodded , " Sure thing . Give me twenty minutes to get dressed and brush my teeth . " He motioned into the house and Lydia stepped over the threshold , " You can watch TV or whatever . I won 't take that long . " " He ever say anything about me ? " " Where is this going , Lyds ? " Stiles said , trying to keep the jealousy out of his voice . Here she was , his first crush , his first love , starting to sound like she was going to ask Stiles to set her up with Jordan . " Yeah , but I haven 't actually talked to him in forever . I thought you could break the ice for us a little bit , and . . . " her voice trailed off . But Stiles got what she wasn 't saying . After that day , Lydia and Jordan were seen around a lot of the time together . When Jordan left for Berkeley to go to college , Lydia was known to drive up there every so often and spend the weekend with him . Even though Stiles had the biggest crush on Lydia , he felt her happiness was more important , and that 's all he really cared about . He needed her to be happy . " Dude , everyone knew how you felt about Lydia , " Scott said , talking as if Stiles hadn 't zoned out in the first place . " When she and Jordan showed interest in one another , you stepped aside , ' cause you 're a good guy . You 're a nice guy and all you care about is her happiness . I get it , man . But even after all these years , you still love her , and I get that . But if you wanna do this group therapy thing with her , I think you should . I mean , you 've got it practically the worst out of all of us . " " Because you lost your brother , but at the same time , you love Lydia . And she 's taking Jordan 's death really hard , and you have to see her deteriorating like this . It 's gotta be really hard on you , man . " Stiles shrugged , " I wanna see her happy , man . I mean , yeah , I love her , even after all this time , even though she was engaged to the guy who was practically my brother , but at the same time , even if she never picked me and moved on to someone else , I 'd still wanna see her happy . That 's all that matters to me . " Scott clapped him on the back . " C ' mon , man , " he said . " This shit has gotten so depressing . " He motioned to the zombies on the TV screen , " Let 's kill these motherfuckers . " They were lying in bed together , one of Lydia 's favorite positions to be in with Jordan after making love . He was spooning her from behind , her head rested on his arm , which was stretched out under her . He kissed her shoulder before saying , " Hey , Lyds ? " " I think I wanna go into the army , " he said . " I 've been thinking about it a lot . My parents , you know , they were both in the army . That 's how they met , in fact . And I . . . I 've always wanted to do their memory some good , you know . I think I should do this . But if you aren 't okay with it , I won 't do it . Us , together , I want to make sure everything is a partnership . " When Lydia woke up , she was extra groggy . She hated dreams like that . Everything was fucked up in her head , and she dreamt memories like this pretty often . The psychiatrist that her mother had made her see after Jordan died told her that this was a normal part of the grieving process . While grieving was different for everyone , Lydia couldn 't help but feel like she was cursed . She glanced at the clock , which told her that it was only five after eight . She knew that Kira got up early because she and Scott went running before Scott 's ten o ' clock class and they liked to run the path in the woods that Kira had found a while ago while exploring . Honestly , leave it to Kira and Scott to turn running into a couple 's activity . They 'd probably be back by now , so she reached over and grabbed her phone off the nightstand . " Yeah , " Lydia said , sighing . " Look , Kira , I had a dream and I don 't really wanna be alone right now . Are you busy ? I mean , do you have class ? " " Not today , " Kira said after a moment . " Scott 's got class at ten , but I 'm free all day . You want me to come over ? I can be there in twenty minutes . " After they hung up , Lydia got out a simple light blue dress and that 's when she realized - not only was today the first day she actually felt like wearing clothes in who knew how long , but this was Jordan 's favorite dress on her . After a few moments of debating it in her head , she decided to wear it anyway . Maybe it 'd make her feel close to him . Ever since Jordan 's funeral , she 'd been wearing mostly pajamas . But for some reason , she actually felt like wearing clothes today . Scott nodded , " Yeah , it has . I 've got class in an hour , but I wanted to check up on you . I mean , I know that Stiles was here yesterday , but we 've known each other a long time and I wanted to make sure that you 're okay . " " I felt like it , " Lydia said when she got back . " I haven 't felt like it for a while , but I thought this was a good day to do that . Besides , in case you haven 't heard , my mom signed me up for a support group thing , so I 've gotta get used to dressing in normal clothes and going out in public again . I might take a walk or something later just to get myself used to the outside again . " Lydia shrugged , swallowing before saying , " I , uh . . . it was about Jordan . I dream my memories sometimes , and that 's why they hurt so much . It feels like the wound is being reopened so it can rip me apart one more time . " Lydia nodded , " It does . I just . . . Kira , I miss him so fucking much and for a long time it felt like I 'd never be able to move on . And now , things are getting better , and Stiles is going with me to that support group thing tomorrow , but I . . . I never wanna forget him . Never . " " And you won 't , " Kira said . " I know you probably won 't believe me , but you 're never gonna forget your first love . And even if you do move on , you 're not hurting his memory , Lyds . Jordan would want you to be happy . " " Of course I am , " Kira said , making Lydia laugh . Then , after Scott told them he had to go to class and kissed Kira goodbye , Kira looked at Lydia , " You wanna queue up Netflix or something ? Let 's watch a movie or something . " I am SO sorry it 's taken me this long to update , but I was having a major block pertaining to all of my stories . I finally got some inspiration a couple of days ago and this is the result . Thanks for sticking with me and being so patient ! I know I say that practically every time , but I really do appreciate it . Lydia nodded and stepped aside . She noticed that John was carrying a box . He set it down on the coffee table before looking at her , " I know it 's been about six months since Jordan died , but I got a package today . It 's his personal effects that the military sent to me , since I was his guardian and he didn 't have any living relatives . " John watched Lydia for a good moment before saying , " I brought them because I figured they should belong to you . You guys were engaged , and as far as I 'm concerned , you were a part of this family . " Lydia could feel the tears start to leak from her eyes when she leaned over and pulled John in for a hug . He hugged her back for a moment , and when they pulled apart , Lydia looked at John , " Thank you . I mean , I really appreciate it . " John nodded and sat down on the couch , with Lydia taking the seat beside him . " I was gonna have Stiles drop them off , " he said , watching her closely , " but I just figured it was something that I should do myself . Besides , it 's been a while and I wanted to see you . " " Look , Lyds , " John said , watching Lydia closely . " I know that you lost Jordan , and I know you probably don 't feel like you 're a part of the family anymore . " He cleared his throat and then took a drink of his water . " I want you to know that Jordan was not your link to the Stilinski family , okay ? With you having been engaged to Jordan , and with you and Stiles so close , I 've been thinking of you like my daughter for a long time . Don 't think that just because Jordan 's gone , you should stay away , okay ? I love you like you 're my own kid . : " Tears were starting to leak from Lydia 's eyes , but she didn 't want to cry right now . Instead , she said , " Thank you , Sheriff . I think of you guys as family , too . " " Good , " he said . " And call me John , please . But for now , how about you come around for dinner tomorrow night ? Stiles said you 've been getting up and out more often now , so I thought a nice family dinner would be good . You bring your mom , too , if you want . " " Can I think about it ? " Lydia asked timidly . " It 's not a no , it 's more like , I want to think about what I want to do . Is that okay ? " " What 's that box ? " Stiles asked later that night when he came through Lydia 's front door . He didn 't even knock anymore ; Lydia was pretty sure that Natalie had given him a key as well . " It wasn 't here the last time I was . " " Your dad was here earlier . He didn 't tell you ? " Lydia asked from where she was browning beef in her open kitchen . " I thought he would 've . " " He didn 't mention , " Stiles said . " But then again , he and I didn 't really talk today . He was busy with a case . " Stiles nodded . A couple of minutes passed and neither one of them said anything . Even though it was silence , it was comfortable . That was one thing that Lydia really appreciated about her relationship with Stiles ; when they were quiet with one another , it was never uncomfortable or awkward . Lydia shrugged . " I haven 't been inside your house since . . . " her voice trailed off , but they both knew what she didn 't have to say . Lydia hadn 't been inside the Stilinski house since Jordan had left for Afghanistan . The last time she was in that house , Jordan was alive . " Look , Lyds , " Stiles said after a moment . " If anybody understands what you 're going through right now , it 's Dad . He was a real mess after my mom died . He gets what you 're going through . It really wouldn 't be a big deal , and I know Dad would be cool with it . " " So does this mean you 're coming ? " Stiles asked . He looked hopeful . " ' Cause that would be really awesome . Y ' know , to have dinner with you again . " " That 's not what I meant , " Stiles said . " It hasn 't been a Stilinski family dinner with you in a while . I think it would be fun . " " What was I even thinking ? " Lydia asked Kira and Allison as she paced back and forth in her bedroom that night . After Stiles had gone , Lydia had called Kira and Allison to come over . They sat in her bedroom , on her bed , and just watched her . " I can 't go over there tomorrow night . I haven 't actually been in that house since . . . " her voice trailed off . Her breaths started coming out ragged and that 's when Allison jumped up . Lydia wasn 't known for having panic attacks , but they did happen sometimes , and had started after Jordan had died . Allison steered Lydia over to the bed and sat down beside her , rubbing her back and trying to get her to breathe . She whispered soothing words into her ear and tried to calm her down . After about ten minutes of that , Lydia 's breaths started to change and she was breathing calmly once more . " That 's one of the reasons right there , " Lydia said , once she was breathing normally . " I might have a fucking panic attack right there in the living room . They don 't need to see that . " " Well , maybe I do , " Lydia snapped . Then she sighed , " Look , I know that they 're trying to connect with me . I get that . And I love them - I really do . It 's just . . . they were my connection to Jordan , and now that he 's gone . . . " her voice trailed off . " I know it 's hard , Lyds , " Allison said . " But they 're family , and if you ask me , you guys need each other . " She sighed , " The way you avoided the Stilinskis and McCalls after Jordan died . . . it did more harm than good , if you ask me . " " She 's right , " Kira said . " They missed you , and Scott always told me that he felt bad because you wouldn 't be avoiding them if they didn 't have that link . This is something you need to do , Lydia . You guys need each other . " Lydia sighed , " Sure , I get it . " She watched the other girls carefully before saying , " I hate to kick you guys out , but I need to go to bed . You don 't have to leave , but . . . " When her voice trailed off , Kira and Allison looked at one another before nodding . " I need to go anyway , " Allison said , getting up . " I 've got a shit ton of homework this weekend . Isaac 's coming over early tomorrow to help me get started . " " Me too , " Kira said . " We 'll see you later , Lyds . " Lydia hugged each one of them in turn , and they left . When she settled down in bed , Lydia drifted off in what she hoped would be a dreamless sleep . Jordan once told Lydia that he loved running in the preserve . He liked the scenery , and he liked how peaceful and quiet it was . He ran the trails back by the Hale house and even though , technically , that was private property back there , he and Derek were friends , so nobody really cared . " Because , " Allison said , setting up a target , " colleges look for extracurricular activities on applications . I thought it 'd be a good idea for you . Besides , you like learning new things . Haven 't you ever wanted to try ? " " There 's a difference between you and me , Ally , " Lydia said , watching her friend carefully . " The difference is that you actually have good aim . You 're not going to accidentally shoot someone . " Allison spent the next half hour teaching Lydia how to stand , teaching her how to hold the bow and shoot the arrow . " It 's easy , " she had told her , once Lydia was ready to try to shoot the arrow on her own . " I know you can do this . " Lydia drew the string back and shot the arrow . It missed the target , just like she knew it would , but then they heard a blood curdling scream . Lydia dropped the arrow and started running to where she heard the scream . She was horrified when she saw Jordan crouching on the ground , an arrow in his leg . " Great , " Lydia said . They helped him to the hospital , though , and Lydia was grateful that Melissa was working . While another nurse took Jordan back , Melissa looked at the girls , " What happened ? " " Lydia accidentally shot Jordan with an arrow , " Allison said to Melissa . She steered Lydia over to a chair in the waiting area and started rubbing her best friend 's back , trying to get her to calm down . " It was a total accident . I didn 't even see him , and I was looking around . " " Lydia , you need to breathe , " Melissa said , noticing that Lydia was in the starting stages of a panic attack . " C ' mon , match my breathing . " She grabbed Lydia 's hand and put it on her pulse point on her wrist . " See how steady my pulse is , how steady my breathing is ? Try to match it . " " He 's going to be fine , " Melissa said to John . " Dr . Connors came and talked to me about it . He was shot in the calf , and it 's going to hurt for a while , but no permanent damage was done . " Lydia was starting to panic again . Oh God , she was definitely going to go to jail for this . Stiles sensed Lydia panicking , though , and he came over to her and started rubbing her back . He helped her through it a lot quicker than when Melissa had done it , and John looked at her . " You shot him ? " " It was an accident , " Lydia said . " Ally was teaching me how to use a bow and arrow . We were in the preserve , with targets . I didn 't see him . I 'm so sorry , please don 't send me to jail for this . " John sighed , " Jesus Christ , I told him not to run in the preserve for this very reason . " He ran a hand over his face and then looked at Lydia , " It 's fine , sweetie , okay ? Just breathe . I 'm not gonna send you to jail for this . It 's going to be okay . " After Jordan was released from the ER , Lydia came over every day for a week . It was summer vacation ; she didn 't really have much else to do and she wanted to fix her mistake . That 's when they really started to click . She would bring him cookies and talk to him for hours . It was then that they realized how much they really liked each other , and even though Lydia was sixteen , it was that summer that Jordan had asked her on their very first date . The sheriff seemed to be cool with it , and Lydia knew her parents wouldn 't care . She 'd been seen around with college guys , so this wasn 't anything new . Her parents weren 't exactly neglectful , they were just . . . distant . When Lydia woke up from her dream / memory , she was a little groggy , so she just lay in bed for a while , remembering . Even though she had shot Jordan in the leg with an arrow , Jordan had seemed to take it in stride . It quickly became a joke between the two of them , and nobody really understood , but that was just the way they were . Lydia was nervous . She knew how ridiculous that sounded . There was a time where the Stilinskis were practically Lydia 's family , and she went over there to have dinner with them all the time . John and Melissa were practically extra parents that weren 't really hers , and they watched over her and talked to her , and even lectured her when she did something wrong . She had no reason to be nervous . John had told her that he wouldn 't be home until after six , and even though Stiles had his own apartment now , he always came home to have dinner with John and Melissa at least once a week . He was going to Beacon Hills University , as well as the rest of their friends , so it wasn 't that far for him . Even though Lydia knew that John wouldn 't be home until after six , Lydia found herself at the Stilinski house a little after four . She just hoped that Stiles would be there . She stood at the front door for a while . She let ten minutes turn into fifteen turn into twenty , and then the door was being flung open . Stiles stood there , flour on the old , faded BHPD shirt he was wearing and a mess of flour on his forearms . " Why are you just standing out here ? " Stiles asked . " How 'd you know I was here ? " " I saw you out the window , " Stiles said . " You 're a mess , " Lydia laughed . " Yeah , well , I 'm making cookies . Sugar cookies ; they 're Melissa 's favorite and she needed a pick me up . She 's been picking up extra shifts at the hospital and I just wanted to do something nice for her . " Lydia nodded . Stiles motioned for her to come in , and he shut the door behind her . " So why were you just standing out there ? " he asked her again . " I was fighting off a panic attack , " Lydia replied , deciding to be honest . She didn 't miss Stiles ' frown when she said it , though . " Since when do you have panic attacks ? " Stiles asked , heading back into the kitchen . Lydia followed him . " Since Jordan 's death , " Lydia said quietly , hoping that Stiles wouldn 't catch it . Instead , he just looks at her . " Oh , sweetheart , " Stiles said , not even aware that he just gave her a pet name . " I 'm so sorry . " " I really don 't want you to go , " Lydia said , the night before Jordan was to be deployed to Afghanistan . " I mean , I 'm gonna miss you a whole lot . " " I know , " Lydia said . " And I don 't want to ruin your plans - not that you can go back on them or anything . Don 't worry about me , okay ? I 'm going to be fine here , and I 've got Scott and Stiles to look after me . " There were so many things swirling around in Lydia 's head , and she knew that the big one was the fact that he could get killed . Jordan could die over there , but she wasn 't stupid enough to voice that fact . She wanted Jordan to do what he needed to do , and he couldn 't be worrying about her while he was defending his country . It was something that he needed to do , Lydia understood that much , and she didn 't want his mind elsewhere during the fight . " If something happens to me over there , if I actually do die , I want you to promise me that you 'll date again . I want you to find happiness , okay ? I want to make sure that , even if I do die , you 're going to be at peace . So just promise me that if something happens to me , you aren 't going to give up on life , okay ? " " It 's war , Lyds , " Jordan answered . " You never know what 's really going to happen . I just need you to promise me this . " Unlike the other memories that Lydia kept having about Jordan , this one stuck in her mind . When she awoke from that dream , she just sat there for a moment in her bed , dumbfounded . Were her dreams trying to tell her something ? She had never given much thought to dream interpretation . Allison had been convinced in high school that every dream meant something , but Lydia was more logical and was pretty sure that the mind just worked in mysterious ways . Glancing at the clock , Lydia realized that it was still the middle of the night - 3 AM . She knew that Stiles was probably still up , though , so she sent off a text . It was just a basic , You up ? She wasn 't surprised when , not even two minutes later , she got a reply text , Yeah . Something wrong ? Lydia sighed before texting , Can I call you ? The response Lydia got to that was her phone ringing . She answered it when she saw that it was Stiles . " Something wrong , Lyds ? " Stiles sounded concerned . " It 's nothing to be truly concerned about , " Lydia said , sighing . She ran a hand through her hair and then said , " I 'm having dreams . And I don 't wanna be alone right now . I know it 's the middle of the night , but nobody else is a night owl like you are , and . . . " her voice trailed off . Stiles seemed to understand , though , when he said , " I 'll be over in twenty minutes . Maybe sooner than that , I 'm not sure . I 'm putting on my shoes right now . " " Thanks , Stiles , " Lydia said softly . She knew that she could depend on Stiles , and that gave her a warm fuzzy feeling inside . She didn 't want to question why , but she knew that Stiles would do anything for her , and she was pretty sure she 'd do anything for him , too . I haven 't had a whole lot of time to update , so I 'm sorry that I 'm doing it now . I 've had this chapter written for a little while , but life is just busy right now . Anyway , comments & con / crit is welcome and I hope you guys enjoy the chapter . " So , do you wanna talk about it ? " Stiles asked as soon as he came into Lydia 's bedroom and sat down on her bed . " I mean , it may help . " " It wasn 't a nightmare , Stiles , " Lydia said . She sighed and ran a hand through her hair . " It was a dream - a memory . " " You dream your memories ? " Stiles asked . " Is that even normal ? " Lydia shrugged , " The mind works in weird and mysterious ways . I saw a psychiatrist after Jordan 's death , and he told me that what 's normal for some people isn 't for others . People grieve in all kinds of different ways . " " And this is the way you 're grieving ? Panic attacks and dreaming your memories ? " Lydia shrugged again , " I just . . . I don 't like being alone after I have a dream like this . I prefer to have company . I used to call Kira , but it 's the middle of the night and you are the only one I know who 's actually up at this hour . " Stiles nodded , " So what do you need from me ? " Lydia sighed , " There should be one of Jordan 's t - shirts and a pair of pajama pants in the bottom drawer of my dresser , if you wanna change . I just need someone to hold me . " Stiles nodded , " Sure . I can do that . " After he changed and lay down next to Lydia , Stiles put his arms around her . Lydia lay her head on his chest and sighed . " I 'm sorry , " she said , after a few beats of silence . " You shouldn 't have to do this for me . " Stiles nodded , " I 'm always gonna be here for you , though , Lyds . We 've been friends a long time and I just want to make sure you 're happy . " " Really ? " Lydia asked . " That 's it ? " " Yeah , " Stiles said . " I just want to make sure that you 're happy . I love you , Lyds , and I want to make sure that I can do everything I can for you . " " Thanks , Stiles , " Lydia said , letting herself smile . " You don 't know how happy that actually makes me . " Stiles sighed , " Actually , I think I do . " - x - When Lydia awoke six hours later , she felt well rested . She didn 't have a dream about Jordan , and even though it was weird , she didn 't think much else about it . She wasn 't used to sleeping with people , though , so she wasn 't sure if it was because Stiles was there thatChapter 6 I 'm sorry this has taken so long , but my muse has been in and out , and I 've been super stressed with some real life events , so I haven 't really had a lot of time for writing . I want to thank Jeneane for talking to me about this and dealing with my rambling asks and emails . I really do appreciate it , sweetie ! Once again , comments & con / crit are welcome . " How 'd you get her to agree to come ? " Scott was asking Kira later the next day . He had come home after his noon Biology class and was getting ready to take a short nap before they went out later that day . When Kira had told him that she had gotten Lydia to agree to go to the movies later that day , he was ecstatic . Kira just shrugged , " Just told her it wasn 't a date . Just some friends hanging out . I even invited Ally and Isaac , but Ally said they were busy . " " Big French test coming up , " Scott said , yawning . He stripped his shirt off and climbed into bed . " French is important to the Argents . They usually go to France in the summer , or at least they did when I was in high school . Ally was never around to hang out because she always went to France with her parents . " Scott yawned again . " When Ally 's mom died when we were sophomores , Chris stopped going every year . It was just too painful without his wife . But Ally still goes every now and again , her grandparents live over there and she loves spending time with them . " " What 'd her mom die of ? " Kira asked . She 'd never ask Allison - she wouldn 't want to bring up any bad memories for her . Kira remembered when her own grandmother , to whom she was very close , died of a heart attack when she was a kid . It 'd been a really difficult time for everyone in her family and even now , Kira had a hard time with it sometimes . " She was mugged . Wouldn 't give up her purse and the dude stabbed her . It was a difficult thing for everyone because Beacon Hills isn 't a dangerous place . Sure , we 've got our problems and everything , but we 've never been , like , New York bad or anything . " Kira nodded , " Yeah , I get that . Did they ever catch the guy who did it ? " Scott nodded , " Yeah , John caught him . But before he could take him into custody , the dude shot himself . He died on impact and I know sometimes John still wishes he could 've brought the guy to justice . But I know that Chris slept a lot better knowing the dude was dead . " Kira nodded . Scott leaned over and gave Kira a kiss , " How about waking me up in a coChapter 7 " This is a surprise , " John said as he walked into his house at the end of the work day on Wednesday afternoon and saw his son sprawled out on the couch , flipping through the channels on TV . He took a whiff of the aroma that was in the house and said , " Is that steak ? " " Pot roast , " Stiles answered . " I thought I 'd come over and make dinner for you and Melissa . " " That 's really sweet , son , " John said . He hung up his jacket before saying , " What do you want ? " Stiles almost looked offended , " Why would I want anything ? Can 't I just come home and have dinner with my parents without any ulterior motive ? " " You can , " John answered , " but you never do . Out with it , Stiles . What do you want ? " Stiles sighed , flipping off the TV . Dinner was going to be ready soon , anyway . He better get started on the gravy for the potatoes . " It 's actually something I wanted to talk to you and Melissa about together . " " What 's wrong ? Did something happen ? Is Scott okay ? " " Relax , Dad , everything 's fine . Scott 's fine , I just need an opinion on something from people who can give an informed one . " John followed Stiles into the kitchen as Stiles started on the gravy for the potatoes , " Does this have anything to do with Lydia ? " " Jesus , Dad , how do you do that ? " Stiles asked , grabbing a few key ingredients from the cupboard . " Seriously ? " John shrugged , " I 'm the sheriff , son . It 's my job to notice the things that people try to hide . " " Look , " Stiles said , watching his dad closely . " It 's just that . . . Lydia was engaged to Jordan . And she really loved him , you know ? " Stiles started stirring his gravy as he watched his dad carefully . " And I get that . And I was really happy for them , because they both deserved to be happy . I put my feelings aside for Lydia because I loved both her and Jordan and wanted them to be happy . " John nodded slowly , " Sure . " " But Jordan 's gone now . And he 's been gone for almost eight months now . And I understand how much that could hurt . I mean , sure , I don 't know what Lydia 's going through because I 've never been through it myself , but I know that she ' Lydia , If you 're reading this right now , it means I 'm gone . I 'm really sorry about that . I wish I could still be around for you , but you 're a strong , independent woman and I know you are going to be able to go on living . I 'm sure that you 're still good friends with Scott and Stiles . And if you 've been avoiding them because of my death - don 't . Stiles was my little brother , and I mean as much to him as I do to you - in a different way , of course , but the point still remains . Lyds , Stiles loves you . And even though he 's loved you like a friend for a long time , I 'm talking about a romantic kind of love . He had a crush on you for a long time , but when he saw that we were interested in one another , he put his own wants on the back burner . He always told me that when you love someone , you want their best interests at heart , and he knew that you and I loved each other . Seeing you happy was all he wanted , even if it wasn 't with him . What I 'm trying to say is if you and Stiles want to get together , want to date , want to be with one another - I want that for you . Stiles is my little brother and you were the love of my life - I want you both to be happy . And if that 's with each other , I want nothing more . I know you won 't forget me - either of you . And I want you to know how much I love you - I really do , Lydia . But fate has decided it 's my time , and you promised me that you 'd keep on living , so please do that for me . Lydia wiped a stray tear from her cheek as she folded up Jordan 's letter . He wanted her to be happy , and Stiles would make her happy - so that 's what she was going to do . She needed to call Stiles . - x - Lydia had called around ten o ' clock that morning , while Stiles was just getting out of the shower . Stiles answered it in a rushed , " ' lo ? " " Hi , Stiles , " Lydia said . " Are you working today ? " " Yeah . My shift start in about an hour , actually . " " When 's your lunch break then ? " " I get half an hour at 3 : 30 , " Stiles answered . " Lyds , is something wrong ? " " No , " Lydia said . " There 's just something I need to talk to you about , and I 'd prefer to do it face to face . " " Okay , " Stiles said . " You wanna meet me at the bakery around 3 : 30 ? We can decided if we wanna just get a sandwich next door or whatever . " " Sure , " Lydia said . " Sounds good , Stiles . " " Great , Lyds . I 'll see you then . " On his way to work , and even after his shift had started , Stiles wondered what Lydia could want to talk to him about . Part of him wondered if someone had told her about his feelings and she was going to confront him about them . However , when Lydia met him outside the bakery at 3 : 30 , he was pleasantly surprised . " You wanna go grab a couple of sandwiches ? " Stiles asked her . Lydia shrugged . " I 'm not all that hungry . But you should eat . " When they were sitting in the sandwich shop , which was next door to the bakery , Lydia watched Stiles carefully as he took a bite of his sandwich , and then chewed it thoroughly . After a few minutes , Lydia broke the silence . " I opened that box of Jordan 's stuff last night . " Stiles nodded . " It was because of Kira and Allison . They thought that maybe Jordan left something for me . " She saw the way that Stiles was looking at her , but tried not to think anything of it . " They were right . He left me a letter . " Again , Stiles nodded . " I brought it with me , " she said , fishing the letter out of her purse . She handed it over to Stiles , who read it . His eyes got wide . " Stiles , are you in love with me ? " Lydia asked softly . " Was he right ? " Stiles swallowed the luChapter 8 Oh my God , you guys , I 'm so sorry it 's been so long ! I 've had quite a few things go wrong in my real life , and I 'm visiting my mom right now and her internet 's really sketchy , in and out all the time , so the connection isn 't very good . I hope this chapter makes up for it ! Once again , I 'd like to thank Jeneane for helping me out with plot points and just making sure the chapter doesn 't suck in general . Thank you so much ! Also , I updated the tags and please notice that the rating has been changed . There is smut in this chapter , and mine is pretty damn explicit . So don 't say I didn 't warn you . The next day , Lydia was a mess . Around four o ' clock , she called Allison , who she knew didn 't have any classes or work on Fridays , and Allison came over around four - thirty . " Why are you panicking , Lyds ? " Allison asked , as she watched Lydia pace across the living room . Allison was the picture of calm right then - she was just sitting on the couch , legs crossed , and she was trying to figure out what exactly was going through Lydia 's mind . They 'd been friends a really long time - since they were sixteen - and she knew that Lydia would say what the problem was eventually , but something was bothering her . Lydia stopped pacing after a moment and then looked over at Allison . " Ally , this is bad , this is so fucking bad , " Lydia said , looking at her best friend . " Stiles and I are going out on a date . " " Yes , " Allison said , nodding her head . " Are you just now realizing that ? " " I 'm twenty - two years old , Ally , " Lydia said . " I 'm twenty - two years old and I haven 't been on a date since I was sixteen . I don 't even know - what the fuck do you do on a first date , anyway ? " " Lyds , I need you to stop panicking , okay ? " Allison asked softly . She patted the couch cushion next to her , " Come sit next to me , okay ? " Lydia did just that , plopping down on the couch beside Allison and looking at her curiously . Allison took a deep breath before saying , " Lyds , you and Stiles have been friends for a really long time . We were what , in tenth grade when the two of you started hanging out ? " Lydia nodded , " Yeah . Sure , I 've known him a really long time , but this is different . I 'd never seen him romantically until about a month ago , and I don 't know what the fuck I 'm doing . " " What you 're doing is you 're going to get yourself in the shower . I 'm going to go into your closet and pick out the perfect outfit for a first date , and you 're going to put your clothes on . Then we 're gonna do your hair and your makeup and maybe talk for a while as we watch TV or listen to music or something . It 's going to be fine , okay ? " Lydia nodded , " Sure . " " So go get in the shower , " Allison sChapter 9 I know I just updated , but since I 've been at my mom 's , her internet has been in and out . Yesterday it went out and it just came back on about half an hour ago , so during that time I didn 't have internet , I did some writing . I 'm going back home to better internet tomorrow afternoon , but hopefully this chapter will tide you guys over until I get the next one written ! The next morning , when Lydia awoke , she saw that the bed was empty . Normally , she would 've been worried that Stiles skipped out on her , but she could hear him whistling downstairs in the kitchen . Lydia knew that Stiles whistled a lot of the time when he was baking . Getting out of bed , she pulled on a shirt and a pair of shorts and went down the stairs . She stopped in the kitchen to just watch Stiles as he continued mixing something in a bowl . He looked happy - he had a smile on his face and he looked like something spectacular had just happened . And maybe it had . He had spent the night with Lydia last night , and he was in love with her . Lydia felt like they had connected during their lovemaking , and maybe Stiles felt the same way . Oh , who was she kidding - of course Stiles felt the same way . And while Lydia wasn 't in love with Stiles - at least , not yet - she felt very strongly about him . " Hey , you , " Stiles said , and it pulled Lydia from her thoughts . She noticed that Stiles was leaning against the counter , just looking at her . " I see you finally got up . " When Lydia glanced at the clock , she saw that it was almost one o ' clock in the afternoon . " Wow , " she said . " I didn 't mean to sleep so late . " " Eh , it 's okay , " Stiles said . " You were pretty wore out last night . " Lydia rolled her eyes and then said , " Don 't look so smug , Stilinski . Maybe I always sleep this late . " " I know you , Lyds , " Stiles said , coming closer to her . He wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck . " I know how much of an early bird you are . " Stiles left a few open mouthed kisses on Lydia 's neck and then leaned up to kiss her lips , but Lydia pulled away . " I haven 't brushed my teeth yet , " she said , but Stiles just reached up to tilt her chin so he could kiss her anyway . " I don 't care , " Stiles said . " I want a kiss . " So Lydia let him kiss her . When the kiss turned hungry , with Stiles attacking Lydia 's mouth with his own , Lydia kissed back just as eagerly . But then Stiles broke the kiss . " Sorry , " he explained , " but I 've got cinnamon rolls in the oven anChapter 10 Wow you guys , it 's been a long time ! I 'm so sorry about that , but a couple of weeks ago I had a pretty bad sinus infection , and spent the whole week not being able to sit upright for more than 15 minutes at a time . And then I was hit with pretty bad writer 's block pertaining to this story , so I sat down and reread it early this morning to try to get some inspiration for it . Inspiration did come , and this was the result . As usual , comments & con / crit is welcome and appreciated . After leaving his apartment , Stiles and Lydia decided they wanted to go out . At first , they weren 't exactly sure what they wanted to do , but then decided to see a movie . There was the new Captain America playing at four o ' clock , and while action movies weren 't usually Lydia 's go to , she did like them on occasion . After getting their tickets and popcorn , they went into the theater and watched their movie . During most of the movie , Stiles had his arm around Lydia 's waist , and he leaned over and placed a kiss on Lydia 's temple . Even though this was a last minute date , Lydia was still really contended . After their movie was over , it was almost six - thirty , and Stiles turned to Lydia as they left the theater , " You hungry ? " Lydia shrugged , " I could eat . " They decided on a small Italian place that Lydia loved . As they were waiting for their food , Stiles looked over at Lydia . " So I talked to Scotty when I was at the apartment , " he said , taking a sip of the Pepsi he ordered . " He said we should talk . " " Okay ? " Lydia said , even though it sounded like a question . " What are we talking about ? " " We went on a date last night , and spent the night together , and we 're on a sorta date right now , and I need to know - are we together ? I mean , like dating ? Not just going on dates , but dating in a way that we are together together ? " Lydia nodded , " I thought so . I mean , do you not want to be my boyfriend ? " Stiles shook his head , " No , that 's not what I mean . I want you to be my girlfriend - God , Lyds , I 've wanted nothing more than that for a long time . I just want to make sure we 're on the same page . " Lydia nodded , " Oh , okay . Cool . " She took a drink of her own Diet Pepsi as their food arrived . Lydia was a little giddy about this revelation . And not only was she having good food with her now boyfriend , Lydia really enjoyed being around Stiles . Because , not only were they dating and that made Lydia happy like it was an early Christmas , but they were close friends and they never ran out of topics to talk about . They were able to talk about pretty much aChapter 11 Wow , you guys ! It 's been almost a month since I updated last ! I 'm so sorry about that . I 've been preoccupied with about a thousand different things and haven 't had much time to write . I hope this chapter makes up for it ! " What 's wrong with throwing Lydia a birthday party ? " Stiles asked , glancing around at their group of friends . " I mean , really ? Turning twenty - three is a big deal . " " Actually , it really isn 't , " Allison piped up from where she was cuddling on the loveseat with Isaac . She had turned twenty - three a few weeks prior . She looked up at Stiles and said , " It 's just another day . " " Well , it 's a big deal for Lydia , okay ? She 's had so much doom and gloom the past year , I think a celebration would be good for her . But the thing is - I 've always sucked at arranging parties . The queen of parties in Beacon Hills is Lydia , but I don 't want her to know about this one . " " Huh ? " Scott asked , like he wasn 't even paying attention . Kira didn 't look upset , however ; she looked worried . Whenever Scott zoned out like that , it meant he was deep in thought , and most of the time , that never ended well . Stiles sighed , " Look , I 'm just trying to get some happiness in Lydia 's life right now . After everything she 's been through in the last year , she really deserves it . Whether or not you guys are in , I 'm doing this . " " We can 't exactly make you do it by yourself , " Allison sighed . " Lydia is my best friend , and I wouldn 't forgive myself if I didn 't try to help you make her birthday a good one . Isaac and I are in . " Kira shrugged , " Are you sure you want to do this ? This party for Lydia ? Because I can understand if you don 't , if you 'd rather take her to a nice dinner or something , she might like that better . " Stiles sighed , " Lydia 's been through a lot in the past year . And not only does it seem like she 's been getting happier lately , but she 's dating again . Nobody was expecting that , and I really just want to make her happy . That 's all I 've wanted , is for Lydia to be happy . She isn 't going to hate me over one surprise party . I think you guys are just making a bigger deal out of this than necessary . " Kira sighed . " Fine , " she said . " Count Scott and me in . Come up with a guest list and we 'll take care of the rest . Your job , Stiles - your only job , Stiles - is to keep Lydia occupied . Keep her busy . " That Saturday , Stiles had to work , and Lydia declined any offer to hang out from any of her friends . She had something she wanted to do . After getting up and around , eating a bowl of cereal and stopping by Laura Hale 's flower shop , she drove to the cemetery . It 'd been a while since she 'd been here , but she set the flowers down in front of the headstone , sighing to herself . Jordan had been buried next to his parents ; that was an executive decision that John himself had made . He had even talked to Lydia about it , even though she had been confused at the time . John was his guardian , and didn 't need her permission to bury Jordan wherever he wanted to . Lydia stood on the grass in front of his headstone , just standing there for a few moments . The grass was wet with the morning dew and it was starting to soak through to her skin through her open toed shoes . " I haven 't been here in a while , " she said after a few moments of silence . " I 'm sorry about that . I 've been really busy . And I know that isn 't really an excuse , but I 've had to work up to the courage to get here . " She sighed again and then continued , " I read your note . The note you wrote me in case something happened to you . And Stiles and I have started seeing one another . I really like him , Jordan . He 's a great guy and he treats me really well . " She let out a deep breath before saying , " I just . . . I feel like a failure here . I know he 's in love with me , and I like him , too , but I can 't get you off my mind lately . And I know that Stiles is going to want to do something big for my birthday , but part of me just wants to wallow . I did a lot of that after you died , but I just . . . he deserves better than me , Jordan . He does now and probably always will . " Lydia paused , taking a moment to get things clear in her head . She then said , " I miss you , though . I think about you a lot , and I know Stiles does too . You had a way of making me feel whole - making me accept myself so much better whenever you were around . And even now , I worry that I 'm not enough for him . I kind of wish you were here to tell me what to do . You weren 't just my love , Jordan - you were my friend , my best friend , and I hate that you 're not in my life anymore . " She felt a little dumb about just talking to a headstone , and then she sighed and said , " I love you , Jordan . I probably always will . " She took one last look at the headstone and then turned around , wiping the tears that had accumulated in her eyes , and then walked away . " You 're being weirdly quiet , tonight , " Stiles said to Scott later that night . After what Scott had observed at the cemetery , he wasn 't sure how to bring it up to Stiles . He knew that he wasn 't supposed to see that , but he was leaving from visiting Jordan 's grave when he saw Lydia walk up . She looked like a woman on a mission , and Scott was pretty sure that Lydia wouldn 't want to see him , so he hid behind a tree . He felt a bit like a coward for hiding from her , but then she started talking , and Scott had been curious , even though , technically , he had been eavesdropping . When Scott didn 't respond to what Stiles had said , he looked at him . " What 's wrong , buddy ? " Stiles asked , looking into Scott 's eyes . " Anything I can to help ? I 'm a great listener . " Scott nodded . " So , I went to the cemetery today , " he started . " It 's been a while since I 've visited Jordan 's grave , and I thought it 'd be nice , you know ? Just to sit with him for a while . " Stiles nodded , so Scott continued , " I was leaving when I saw Lydia there . She was walking up to his grave , so I started to leave . She looked like a woman on a mission , like she didn 't want to be disturbed . So I kinda hid behind a tree and listened to her talk to him . " " So what 'd she say ? " Stiles asked after the moment had gone . " I mean , that 's what you 've been trying to tell me , right ? That she said something you don 't think I 'm gonna like . " Scott shrugged , " I dunno , dude . I just worry that she 's gonna do something to sabotage your relationship , you know ? Make you leave - kinda push you away . " When Stiles got to Lydia 's apartment building , he took a few deep breaths before nodding at the doorman , who let him into the building . He had known Stiles as Jordan 's brother , but since Stiles and Lydia had started dating , the guy seemed more open and friendly to him . He nodded back as he opened the door , and Stiles let out a " Thanks , dude , " as he walked into the open door . He took the elevator to Lydia 's floor and walked into her apartment . She was sitting on the couch , flipping through channels . She looked over at Stiles when he entered . " Hey , " she said . " I wasn 't expecting to see you tonight . " " Don 't sugarcoat it , Stiles , " Lydia practically snapped . " If you 've decided to move on from me , it 's fine . I 'm a big girl ; I can handle it . " " That 's not it at all , Lyds , " Stiles said . " I don 't want to break up , okay ? I want to be with you for as long as you 'll have me . " Lydia sighed , but then looked at Stiles . " I 'm still afraid you 're gonna leave , " she whispered , almost so low that Stiles couldn 't hear it , but he caught it . " I 'm waiting for the day you 're gonna leave . " " He didn 't leave of his own accord , though , " Stiles said . " Believe me , Lyds , if he had had any choice at all , he 'd still be here with you . He never wanted to leave you . " Oh my God , you guys ! It 's been 3 freaking months since I 've updated this thing ! I 'm SO very sorry about that . I 've had a lot of family drama , a lot of real life / cousin drama , and haven 't had much time for writing at all . I 've also been stuck , but I think I 'm just getting my muse back . I have to thank Jeneane a thousand times , for all the help you 've given me , sweetie ! This story wouldn 't exist if it wasn 't for you ! As usual , comments & con / crit are welcome and greatly appreciated . Lydia 's birthday was in a few days , and so far , Kira and Allison had a pretty awesome party planned . They had talked to Natalie , and she had agreed to let them throw the party there . They would 've thrown it at one of their apartments , but were worried about space . Natalie had seemed pretty happy that they were doing this for daughter . " You guys are really good friends , " she said to them as Allison and Kira sat on her couch that afternoon , talking over preparations for the party . " You 're really good to Lydia , and I really appreciate that . " Kira nodded as Allison said , " Lydia 's been through a lot . We only want what 's best for her . " " Whose idea was this , anyway ? " Natalie asked , taking a sip of her coffee . " Who thought up the party ? " " Stiles , " Kira said . " It was all Stiles ' idea . " " Lydia told me they 're dating , " Natalie said . " How 's that going ? " " They seem to really like each other , " Kira said . " I mean , Stiles has liked Lydia for a long time , but I bet he never thought that she 'd like him back . " " They 're good for one another , " Natalie said . She had been friends with John and Melissa for a long time , so she had known both Stiles and Scott since they were little . " Stiles is a good guy , and Lydia needs one of those . " " She 's had it hard in the last year , " Kira said , taking a drink of the tea Natalie had brought her when they first arrived . " Our hearts really went out to her after Jordan died . " " I try to keep on telling her that it 's gonna get better , " Natalie said . She had lost her own husband several years ago , when Lydia was just a kid . That 's when she married Peter Hale . " Things are going to get better , but Lydia 's been stuck in the survivor 's guilt phase . She felt guilty about living , and I 've been trying to get her to live , because that 's what Jordan would have wanted , and everybody knows it . Why did she decide to date Stiles to begin with ? " " Jordan wrote her a letter before he died , " Allison said . " She told me all about it . He said that she shouldn 't feel guilty for moving on , and that Stiles has been in love with her for a Chapter 13 Wow , it 's been two months since I 've updated this thing ! I 'm so sorry , you guys , but I 've been busy , especially with a lot of family drama and haven 't had a whole lot of time to write . I also had a little bit of writer 's block pertaining to this story , but I definitely now know where I 'm going with it . Thank you guys for being so patient with me , and , as always , comments & con / crit are welcome and greatly appreciated . Getting Lydia over to Peter and Natalie 's that night wasn 't hard . After spending most of the afternoon marathoning Criminal Minds on Netflix , they decided to head over around six o ' clock . After Lydia had freshened up her makeup and curled her hair , Stiles thought she had never looked more beautiful . Well , that wasn 't true . Even though Lydia would never agree with him , Stiles thought Lydia looked the most beautiful right when she woke up in the morning , before the makeup , before she did anything to her hair . When she was just natural , she looked like a goddess . When they turned on the lights at the house , and everyone jumped out and yelled " Surprise ! " Lydia looked like she was going to faint . She didn 't look angry , though ; she looked kind of shocked . Then she turned to Stiles and said , " A surprise party ? For me ? " Stiles nodded , " Yeah . " He reached over and pulled her into a hug , mostly so no one would hear their conversation . " Are you mad ? " " Nah , " she whispered into his ear . " I 'm actually happy that you guys thought of doing this for me . " They pulled apart and Lydia gave Stiles a kiss on the lips that turned filthy until she heard the catcall come from the room . Lydia blushed as they separated . " This was all Stiles ' idea , Sweetheart , " Natalie said , coming towards her daughter to give her a hug . " He really wanted to do something for your birthday . " Lydia smiled at him , " Thank you , Stiles . It means a lot to me that you 'd go to all this trouble . " " It wasn 't just me , " Stiles said as other people were coming forward to wish Lydia a happy birthday . " If it weren 't for Ally and Kira , this would 've never happened . " Lydia went around and mingled with everyone that was there , with Stiles by her side . She struck up a conversation with Derek , Braeden , and Laura , and Stiles went over to talk to Scott . " How 're things , dude ? " Stiles asked . " Have you asked her yet ? " Scott had been getting lost in thought more and more , and Stiles knew it was because he was trying to figure out an amazing way to pop the question to Kira . After getting his blesNotes : So , don 't crucify me yet , okay ? There 's a method to my madness , and this had to happen . But the story isn 't over yet ! I 've got a pretty good idea of where I 'm going from here , so hopefully hopefully * crosses fingers * I 'll have more for you soon . I know I just updated , but this story is so close to being done , I want to finish it . There 's maybe two chapters left , I think ? Anyway , I hope you enjoy the chapter and , as always , comments & con / crit is welcome and greatly appreciated ! It had been three weeks . Once again , Lydia had barricaded herself in her apartment , not leaving for anything . The whole situation frustrated her friends , because Lydia had come so far in the last few months , and now she was right back where she started . Allison and Kira had broken into her apartment a week ago , but they wouldn 't tell Stiles what had happened , or what Lydia had said . They just told him that she was doing as well as she could be right now , and when the time was right , Lydia would talk to him . But Stiles felt like that time would never come . Because of what Lydia was going through , Stiles was somewhat in a slump as well . He still went to work , went to class , and made his dad and Melissa dinner once a week , like he normally did . But he spent most of his other time in his room , shooting electronic people . Kira and Scott worried about him . Stiles never shut himself down to anyone , so the fact that he was doing so really worried them both , especially Scott , who 'd known Stiles practically his entire life . That 's when they 'd hatched the plan . It 'd been Kira 's idea , but Scott decided to go see Derek himself , because he knew him better than Kira did . It was something Kira agreed to . When Scott showed up at the apartment Derek shared with his wife , he wasn 't sure what to think . Braeden answered the door , smiling at him , and let him inside . " Derek 's not here right now , " she said , offering him a freshly baked cookie off a plate . " Ever since finding out about the baby , he 's been driving me crazy . I finally got him to go do something productive . He 's at the station . " " You think he has time to talk to me ? " Scott asked , looking at Braeden . " I really need his help with something . " Braeden nodded , " Probably . What 's going on ? " Scott shrugged , " It 's nothing , really . I mean , it 's got to do with Lydia . " Braeden nodded . Since Derek had been Jordan 's best friend , Braeden understood what it was like to deal with someone who was in a slump after his death . Derek and Jordan hadn 't been co - dependent - not the way Scott and Stiles were Chapter 15 Hey guys , remember me ? This winter was hell , and I fell into a deep depression and had absolutely no ambition to write . Now that the sun is shining and I feel a lot better , I 'm working on updating my stories . I am really sorry that I kind of went MIA for a while , but I have a new chapter for you guys ! I hope everyone likes it ! " So you guys are back together again ? " Scott asked Stiles a couple of nights later as Stiles was getting ready for a date with Lydia . " And everything 's good between the two of you ? " " Things are great , Scotty , " Stiles said , standing in front of his closet . He was trying to figure out what to wear . There was a nice restaurant that Lydia had wanted to go to for a while but she never had the chance to go , so , to surprise her , Stiles had made reservations and decided to take her . He almost wasn 't able to make reservations , because the restaurant was always busy , but Peter knew the owner and was able to help them out . It was then that Kira came in to see them , and she asked Stiles , " What are you doing ? " " It 's okay , " Kira said . She glanced at Stiles ' closer for a few moments and then started pulling clothes out . She pulled out a white long sleeved dress shirt , a pair of black slacks , and a tie that was green . She handed them to Stiles and said , " Wear these . " Stiles was a little relieved that Kira was there to help him . He smiled and thanked her , and then the doorbell rang . Kira went to answer the door and Stiles started changing his clothes . If they were quiet enough , Stiles could hear Kira talking to Lydia in the living room . As he changed his clothes , Scott said to him , " I 'm really glad that you guys are back together , dude . It 's a good thing . You 're my brother , and I 'm always happy when you 're happy . " When Stiles went out into the living room about twenty minutes later , he paused when he saw Lydia . She looked absolutely gorgeous . She was wearing a slinky royal purple dress , tight in all the right places , and her hair was done in an intricate French braid . Her makeup was immaculate and she had a black clutch in her hand . She looked absolutely beautiful . Stiles and Lydia had agreed that Lydia would pick him up because the Jeep was in the shop again . Even though he had been having more and more problems with it , he refused to give it up . It had been his mom 's , and practically the only thing of hers that he had left , so h didn 't care what he had to do to make it run . He would do almost anything . They left not long after , and Lydia drove to the restaurant . It was in the next town over , only about twenty minutes away , and there was an awkward silence that filled the car . Stiles hated it . " Good , good , " Stiles responded . " Classes are good and I 'm close to finishing my degree . So close . I kind of can 't wait . " " I 've been looking around at different restaurants and things . I just . . . I wish I could open my own diner or something . I would love to be able to work for myself . " Once they were at the restaurant and eating their dinner , Lydia looked over at Stiles . " I know I 've apologized already , but I really am sorry about everything , Stiles . I know that I shouldn 't have shut you out like I did , but I was afraid . " The conversation seemed to pass easily - just like it did when they were dating the first time . Lydia knew that she shouldn 't have broken up with him to begin with - they were meant to be together . And part of Lydia wondered that if she had never read the letter Jordan left for her , would she and Stiles have ever gotten together ? That thought left her mind , though , when Stiles reached over and grabbed her hand . " So , Lyds , " he said , taking a bite of one of his breadsticks , " what was that , earlier ? I know you were thinking . " " Mom , Peter , " Lydia said , looking back and forth between them . " I think it would be a good idea . I 've thought it over very carefully , and I want to do this . Stiles deserves this . " " That 's not my plan at all , Mom , " Lydia said . She sighed heavily before saying , " My plan is to buy that old diner , over on Second Street . It 's been for sale for a really long time , and I know they will go down on the price if I asked them to . The diner 's been up for sale for almost a year , and they haven 't had any offers , so they 'll probably go for any offer they can get . And even if they can 't , you 're married to the smoothest guy I 've ever met . " She noticed the look of approval that Peter gave her , so she continued . " I 'm going back to school . To get my MBA . I can work there , and Stiles can work there , and until I graduate , Peter can help . In case you 've forgotten he has an MBA . " " I told you . I 've been trying to figure out what to do with my life . Remember , when Jordan and I first got engaged , I felt like I knew exactly where my life was headed ? Well , I want a changed . I want to invest in this restaurant . Stiles and I can run it together . " Procuring the building wasn 't hard . Lydia was pretty sure she could do it herself ; after all , Lydia Martin was an intelligent woman who knew what she wanted and how to go about it , but just for insurance , she took Peter and Talia with her . The Hales were respected in Beacon Hills ; after her father died , Peter took over as CEO for Martin Enterprises , and Talia was in the District Attorney 's office . They were both successful and nobody would ever go against them . Peter was good at talking business ; he was suave and charismatic , and could easily talk his way into anything . That was actually a trait that Lydia didn 't like at the beginning of his and Natalie 's relationship , since he could pretty much make anybody do anything he wanted , but he turned out to be a great step - dad . It was a good thing she took Peter with her ; she could tell my look on the agent 's face that he would 've taken advantage of her , given the chance . " So , are you telling Stiles about this ? " Peter asked , as he and Lydia were walking around the diner . It was pretty old ; if Lydia remembered correctly , the building had been in Beacon Hills for at least ten or twenty years . But the person who ran it died , and it had been up for sale for what seemed like forever . But when Lydia looked at it , she didn 't see an old , run - down building ; no , she saw an opportunity . " I 'm not sure yet , " she said . " He 's graduating from culinary school in six months , and I want it to be a surprise . Do you think we could get it fixed up by then ? " " I don 't know anything about these kinds of things , Peter , " Lydia said . " I don 't know what to do . That 's why I 'm depending on you for some help . " " Well , William is in construction , " he said , mentioning his brother - in - law , Talia 's husband . " I know that he could get the boys to help you , including Derek . Can Scott keep a secret ? " " We could call him , and John , too , " Peter said . " They probably don 't have a ton of time , but they 'll be able to help you out a little . And you know that John thinks of you as one of his kids . He would do anything for you . " " Let me make some calls , " Peter said , pulling out his tablet to make a list . " I 'll get started tomorrow morning . For now , try really hard not to let Stiles know what 's going on . Try to keep it a secret , if you can . " " You what ? " Allison , Kira , Scott , and Isaac were watching her closely as they sat in her living room . Se decided to talk to them , to see if they could help her out . But right now , they were just watching her like she was crazy . " I bought that old , run - down diner over on Second Street , " Lydia repeated herself . " I want to fix it up and run it with Stiles . He wanted something he can do after he graduates , and it 'll be a fun venture . I have a good feeling about that . " " Peter 's got some plans . I don 't know everything that is going on in his head right now , but he 's my adviser in all of this . He 's been running my dad 's company since Dad died , and he seems to know what he 's doing . He 's gonna talk to John , and to the Hales , and see what can be done . Mr . Hale , he 's head of a construction company , so Peter 's going to talk to him first . " " And this is definitely what you want to do , Lyds ? " Allison asked . " Because Kira , Isaac , and I can help . And I know my dad would pitch in , too , and so would Melissa . " Fri 19 Jun 2015 01 : 19AM EDT This is so sad ! Can you put in flashbacks of Jordan and Lydia 's relationship before he died , like how they met and as it progresses , that would be adorable ! Plus can you show Scira too and make Lydia be happier in the near future ! This is such a good start ! I love Hurt / Comfort / Angst stories but I also like happy endings . Update soon

I MOVED ! My daughter and I finally got a call from low - income housing and we moved in to a beautiful townhouse at the end of February . It 's been all renovated with new everything . The bathtub is even slippery and doesn 't scratch my bottom . hee hee . Unfortunately I did re - injure my back during the move and it took quite a while for it to be tolerable again . I still can 't go for my walks or stand for too long . I 'm pretty sure my depression is because of all the excitement of moving and the natural letdown that follows . Never mind the stress from the move itself both on my body and my mind . I just feel exhausted all the time . I could sleep all day but make myself get up . It 's late in the day but I 'm up before Carly is home from school . I 've seen my granddaughters more . Such joy they give me . I have one video of the 2 - year - old in my lift chair saying " this is awesome " over and over while I worked the controls . She says it in her very grownup 2 - year - old voice . I play it every day . It really helps . My daughter 's 18th birthday is in 10 days . My sister and I are going to the casino to ply her with liquor and bingo . I can 't believe my baby is 18 . I realized last night , while I was feeling my lowest , that I 've been waiting for something . I don 't know what it is but I figure it 's time to stop waiting . Thinking back I realized there are some things I took control of which felt beyond finishing . A quick email to my lawyer telling him I want to go to court and not meet with that man ever again resulted in what I hope is finally action on that man 's part . So it 's not done yet . But it feels like it 's getting closer . It 's been 5 years since I left him . I saw my mental health worker today where I spewed out words and feelings and tears . On the bus ride over there I was listening to music I had downloaded on my phone ( I finally figured it out ) and every song was making me feel sadder and more lost . When I left my worker , I felt better . On the ride home I was listening to Paul McCartney sing " Hey Jude " live . I had shivers up and down my back hearing the love from the crowd as they sang back . Na na na naaaa . I guess I must have been acting like I was really into the song because the guy next to me ( young , in his 20 's ) asked me what I was listening to . I told him and he had no idea who or what I was talking about ( ! ) so I started it again for him to hear . It 's a long song but he listened to it all . Finally , I feel I have the ability to write again , both electronically and emotionally . Well , I still don 't know about the emotional part . Its been a very emotion - filled few weeks , with many ups and even more downs . My laptop may overheat but I will write with breaks so it can cool down . I was always waiting for something . Exterminators because we had bedbugs . It took the landlord 2 months to get them here so poor Carly and I would go to bed each night so the critters could feast upon our milky flesh . All the info we read from the government and exterminator 's websites recommended you don 't sleep on the couch or they will find you . Where . Ever . You . Go . So I couldn 't sleep . I would stay awake until the sun came up , killing any that crawled on me and put them in a jar of bleach and laugh manically as they dissolved before my eyes ( I bet you didn 't know how sadistic I can be ) . During the day I would pick though my daughter 's bed , trying to decrease her discomfort . She would still have new bites every few days . During this 2 month time we were banned from seeing my grandchildren as my son has an almost supersized fear of the bugs and he did not want to risk any transfer from us . Ditto for the boyfriend . I maybe saw him 4 times in that 2 months and that was to go to movies . I was so relieved when we were finally sprayed at the beginning of December . My oldest granddaughter was overjoyed when I walked though their door . The hugs ! Hugs beat the bedbug blues every time ! Unfortunately the bugs seemed to be the beginning of the end for the boyfriend . He called less and less and I saw him very infrequently . We seemed to have a plan to go to Cuba though , where I hoped some alone time would help . Over the holidays , he just stopped calling except for a text telling me Happy New year and don 't be mad , I 'm going to Cuba with my friend . That was almost 2 weeks ago and not a word since . I knew this was a man who has lived with a very traumatic past and this is the worst time of year for him . It took me a while to realize that he could not be ready for a relationship . He needs to find his own self before he could ever trust his life won 't be ripped apart again . I , of course , have had my own traumatic past . The difference is I have both professional and familial support . He chooses to have a different way of handling his feelings . I 'm afraid it ended with me having a broken heart because of the silence . Or maybe I 'm giving him too much credit and he really is just a jerk . I don 't believe that though . I do know , really , it 's for the best because , unless there is help in his life , my heart would never heal and would keep going through these unresolved issues he carries . I think I might be stronger in some ways . Unfortunately , I 've now developed some trust issues of my own . My self - esteem is even more damaged than before . Who would want me ? I don 't feel attractive physically or emotionally / mentally . What a mess . There was one day that I slept away . 22 hours . That was when I knew I had to try to do something but everything was pretty dark for me . For those who survive depression hopefully knows everyone feels it differently ; it 's never a contest , like " I have more reasons to be depressed than you do " kind of thing . No . What I feel is physical ( heavy like an elephant ) and mentally ( my brain is a foggy bog of poo ) . It 's how to get out of it is the challenge . Sleeping 22 hours may not seem like a healthy way to do it but that was all I could do that day . The next day was less , more like 14 hours . Then it was 12 . I can handle 12 . I did the dishes . I tried to go grocery shopping . Then suddenly I had stuff to do and had to get out of bed to do them so my going to bed at 7 am was not going to work anymore . I seem to have developed a fairly normal schedule . How I felt is so hard to explain . I wish I had the words to tell you how dark my world was . My dreams were where I wanted to be . I couldn 't wait to dream because what happened in them was so much more exciting and meaningful than what my life was . My bi - polar dreams have always been vivid but never so much as during this time . My awake - time flashbacks from the dreams would leave me quite confused . Once , on the rare occasion I did go out , I was very nearly hit by a bus and leapt 3 feet in the air as the driver laid on the horn , inches from my hip , waking me from my musings . I thought no one would care anyway . Of course I know now that is not and never been true . I have my peeps who love me and always will . Before Christmas , I was on the bus after seeing my mental health worker and just broke down . I was crying in public . No one did anything except for the lady beside me who handed me a used tissue . I sat there with tears streaming down my face , suffering in silence . Which is what most people do . All this was not necessarily because of a man . I was on my way to my darkness partly due to the isolation I was in and the feeling of not being wanted anywhere because of the blasted bugs . I was just so sad and lonely and alone . I missed my Dad so much over Christmas . His joy was like a child 's when he opened gifts . His place was empty at the table where we would squeeze his walker in . I did have a wonderful day with my family though . We all felt his presence there , especially when , for no explicable reason , glassware started falling out of the cupboard and breaking on the ceramic floor at my sister 's . I was making the banana cream pie at the moment , which was his favourite dessert . I had to stir and stir the homemade pudding for at about 45 minutes so it wouldn 't burn . Maybe Dad thought I wasn 't doing it right but I kept right on stirring during all the crashing and sweeping and didn 't burn the pudding at all . One of the best we ever made . He was keeping me on my toes I guess . Carly and I got wonderful news the other day . We now have a townhouse we 're moving to through public housing . Instead of paying rent I cannot afford it will be covered by the benefits I receive from Disability . This is a huge financial relief for me . I have lots to look forward to . I will get to purge yet again . The crap that weighs me down . Crap that I hang on to . Crap I can let go . And it ain 't just because of the packing . I must tell you all , right off the bat , that I know I haven 't written anything for several weeks . I really feel bad about it because I know it helps me get through a lot . I 've put my volunteer work on hold for this month because of the extreme anxiety I 'm feeling about my health and the crazy developments with my father 's estate and , as such , the state of my family life . The stresses have really gotten to me where I am , once again , staying away from the outside world most of the time and hiding in my online games . So boring I know . I do go to my appointments and have made more effort into cooking some meals the last few days than relying on junk food . It helps that Carly is home to eat . After messing up the last 2 appointments booked with my new mental health worker we finally met each other for the second time . It all went well until she asked me how my typical day goes . I was quite embarrassed about it until I remembered that I do get up early twice a week for when my granddaughter comes over for the day . ( So fun to be with her … two years old and so cute and full of goof ) . She asked me what my stresses are and I told her about the above mentioned in more detail . It was a pretty substantial list but mostly I have such fast and negative thoughts . Then I was to go over the positive things in my life which were fewer but still easy to come up with ; kids , boyfriend , and my finances are a little better . I was also to tell her about what I do to help the with stress . Again the list was small but at the end of the meeting she said that column would eventually be full and she could see how low my self - worth and self - esteem were and she has the tools to work on those negative thoughts . It 's been mind - numbing during the day and my sleep is filled with monsters and fear . Restful sleep is really not a part of my nights . It 's mostly 3 or 4 in the morning when my brain will finally shut down and my eyes slam shut for anywhere from 5 to 12 hours of sleep . I slept a day away a few weeks ago with a total of 19 hours . Crazy . My fella and I were finally getting to have some time together and were going out for supper except I kinda and sorta forgot about the going out part only because it was later than I thought we would be going . He called and said he was here and I had just got out of the shower and was dripping wet , naked and just figured , no problem , I 'll just throw something on and let him into my building like I usually do . I went to the front door , where he usually waits , then the back door but no fella . I was quite confused . I called him and asked him where the heck was he and he said at the front in the # 1 parking space . So , after wandering around the hallway in my nightie for another couple of minutes it dawned on me about the going out part . What to wear ? I felt all hot and sweaty after all that running around so I put on a tank top and jeans and put hair products in my very wet hair and ran out the door . He asked me if I wanted to go to a fancy restaurant but I told him I wasn 't really dressed for one ( that 's for sure ! ) so he suggested a favourite pizza joint we both like . It was very crowded and we were waiting for a table when I noticed someone eating at a table nearby who doesn 't like me too much and the feelings are quite mutual . I hid behind my fella after warning him . He was worried about a cat fight or me being so uncomfortable that we should go . I told him not to worry , I have big ovaries and can take it but could he please buy me a glass of wine tonight ? Absolutely , he said . So all the tables were full except for one right beside this person and a whole bunch of reserved ones . The owner of the restaurant told us to sit in the reserved section for now until a booth became available . " Don 't you guys leave , " she said . Whew . We sat in the reserved section ( getting the stinky eye from THAT table ) until a group of volleyball players started to arrive . It was then I noticed how hot my feet were as I listened to my fella regale me with his own restaurant stories . I tried to remember which shoes I put on when , to my horror , I looked down at my feet and saw … . My fella had me howling with laughter when I confessed to my slipper shuffle . He does that all the time . He said he was going to get me a hospital gown to go with my slippers for next time we go out so I can really look the part . It was then I remembered what I told my worker about the fear I had that people looked at me funny and man … I was laughing so hard . We both were . I had to put a little extra shuffle in my step for the rest of the night and the code word was " slippers " to make me start laughing all over again . Supper was great . At the end when my fella was paying the bill I asked the owner how her trip to Greece went . She told us that she went there to find all her old boyfriends so she could fuck them since she was too young to do that when she lived there as a young girl . She didn 't find any . It was great to get out . It did me a world of good . I 'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving with my sister 's family and my group . There we were , two of the most anxious females I know , going to a strange city by Greyhound . Whatever gave me the idea that this was a GOOD idea ? Well mainly it was because Carly and I were going to spend some good quality time together . My son was driving us to the bus depot and I was feeling pretty calm until we were almost there . Then my mind started racing with questions . What do we do ? Where do we go ? We started off doing what we thought was the right thing . We went to the counter at the depot and told the guy ( who turned out to be our driver ) that we were going to Edmonton and what do we do ? He looked at our tickets and , very kindly , told us we would be departing at Gate 1 at 6 : 45 . We found seats nearby and waited impatiently . It got later and later and Carly was coming up with more and more dire scenarios ( What if we don 't sit together ? Why did I have to read about Tim McLean ? What if people smell bad ? ) then finally we saw the bus arrive and security being set up . We were about 5th in line and finally got to the security table when we noticed we were the only ones without any tags on our luggage . Now , remember , we did go to the counter and no one said anything about tags . We had to go back to the nice man and tell him we needed them . There was a lineup there too and only 2 people on duty . One staff member was being held up by a guy who was trying to say his 3 bags were all carry - on 's and the bag that weighs 100 lbs . is free . That was not true and vigorous arguments ensued . We finally got to the nice man and he apologized for his mistake and even let me take my heavy carry - on with me . By this time there was no line at security . The thing about the motor coach I noticed the most was the smells that made their way to me throughout the trip to Edmonton . The first half hour I smelled vomit . The guy across the aisle kept belching really loud and they were quite stinky too . As were his farts . Then I thought everyone was drinking on the bus because someone would walk by me and I would smell alcohol . Turns out it was the hand sanitizer from the bathroom . Good for them for being so clean . At least I knew they washed their hands after they did their business . The smell that started half way there and never really went away came from a cup of coffee that a woman behind me spilled which proceeded to go downhill where Carly 's backpack was directly in its path . Carly was already so stressed out at this point she went over the edge for a bit . She cried over her Vans backpack and her new toiletries bag inside , now reeking of and dripping with coffee . The lady felt so bad and mopped up everything with toilet paper . Then there wasn 't any TP for the bathroom . Finally the driver found some . Whew . My legs and feet swelled up so much it was ridiculous . I have a history of blood clots and made sure I walked around whenever we had a stop . My feet hurt so much throughout the trip . The swelling never really went away . When we got there , after 18 hours on the bus and with barely any sleep , we still went shopping . I could barely walk and would send Carly into a store while I would find a bench to sit on and rest . I had to buy a sweater because it wasn 't summer in Edmonton . Fall weather had hit and I was in shorts and tank tops . I was miserly with money and was so glad to find a pretty good one for only $ 10 . Carly must have spent over $ 300 the first day . Her money not mine . I slept so good that night and was out like a light before 9 pm . I loved the pillows . Our hotel was nicer than I expected . I used booking . com and found a pretty good deal . I give it 3 - 4 stars . We hit so many stores . There were so many people , especially on Saturday . It was almost impossible to get through some of the aisles as they were clogged with crazy shoppers . Friday was my birthday and another day of shopping was planned . I got some great deals just telling people it was my birthday . My new fella had given me a card with strict instructions not to open it until my birthday and I actually obeyed . It was one of the first things I did when I woke up . Open it I mean . Lo and behold it had money in it ! With more strict orders ( he seems to be a little bossy ) to spend it frivolously on myself . So I bought Body Shop stuff , which I never buy because it 's too expensive . Because it was my birthday I got free hand lotion thrown in . Carly spoiled me rotten on my birthday . She paid for all the meals and cabs and bought me a beautiful forever scarf which was handy on the way home in the air - conditioned bus . She paid for more than half the food on the trip and half the cab fares . Almost every time I looked at her she had her bank card out . She was so patient with me and my sore feet , as long as she knew where I was . Thank goodness for texting and cell phones . I noticed a lot of things that makes Edmonton different from Winnipeg , besides the mall . The noise is unbelievable and overwhelming . We had to shout to each other most of the time at the mall . Everybody goes really fast there too . Cars and people . Some of the fashions I saw I haven 't seen here , at least not yet . AND I didn 't see one butt crack when people were sitting down . In Winnipeg you can count on seeing several in any food court , on the bus or even just walking around . I didn 't see one and that made me happy . Leaving Edmonton was very different then leaving Winnipeg . For one thing there was absolutely no security check done . This caused a whole new round of anxiety for Carly as now anyone could have a knife or a gun and cut off our heads . No one did but even so the trip home was a nightmare . For 20 hours we listened to a baby either screaming with misery or laughter , depending on her mood . At least I had to listen , Carly had her iPod so she plugged into her music world and drowned it all out . The baby rarely stopped and it was horrible . When she did stop another would start . There were 8 children on that bus under the age of 5 . One mom had 4 . Another mom had 2 and one of hers was the devil child who kept screaming . This mom who had 4 children with her was amazing . We were about to leave Edmonton when a man came running onto the bus looking for seats he said . There weren 't that many , it was pretty full . The driver announced that a family of 5 was coming on board at the last - minute and to be patient . No problem . Out the doorway I could see this tiny woman , maybe about 25 years old and 4 kids , ranging in age from 8 to 18 months , all holding something ; pillows , blankets , books , bags of food . They climbed on then the driver made ANOTHER announcement that these people had reserved seats so a lot of people had to shuffle around . The dad then ran off the bus , yelling " love you kids ! " and he was a blur going back into the depot . The little family was in the back and we didn 't hear a peep out of them . We had a layover in Saskatchewan and these kids totally entertained me . They danced and sang and giggled and climbed and ran and hid . All the while , their mother was calm , laughing along with them , getting them to settle down for only minutes at a time and not worrying too much when they started up again . She spoke to them patiently and kindly and I could tell she does this all the time by the way the kids treated each other ; the same . She met my eyes and laughed telling me they only had 3 hours of sleep so they were really goofy . I told her , " My dad used to say , It 's better than crying " . She laughed more . I could hear a little hysteria in it though . She was so great . She would crouch on the floor with them , rocking the youngest against her chest while talking softly to the others and feeding them apples and grapes . How she could hold that position for so long boggled my mind . ( Carly hates my people watching . She thinks I 'm nosy . What the heck else would I write about if I didn 't watch other people and what makes them do what they do ? ) Meanwhile the other screaming kid was still screaming with the mom begging her not to cry . The dad did nothing ; he just looked mad . I know the child was tired and they were on a long trip but it was really hard to take by hour 15 of the 20 hour trip . By the time we got home , I wanted to kiss the ground . We had a delay before we left Alberta . A young woman was hanging out with some of the younger guys on the bus , taking smoke breaks with them , etc . These young men always smelled like pot ( SECURITY ! ) . Anyway , we made a quick stop in a small town and I walked by her where she was commenting to some of the other women ( who also smoked ) with some concern about how she was swelling up . I wanted to show her my own feet but didn 't dare scare her . We all got back on the bus and started off again when she left her seat and went to talk to the driver . He turned around and took her to the hospital . According to the guys she hung with , she had taken opiates and then one of the guys gave her something else which didn 't react well with her . We had to leave her there in the middle of nowhere , hopefully in good care . I totally had a good time although in pain . Tylenol Arthritis was my best friend . I 'm pretty proud of myself but not totally surprised I could do it . I had to be a good mom to Carly , who was anxious a lot of the time and keep her calm from her day - mares . Never mind the hundreds of people or the guy who wanted to give me a makeover and wouldn 't give up , even when he saw me later and practically chased me . I handled it . I did good . It 's taking me a few days to recover from the overload and the swelling but I 'm just about there . I 'm still not sure about social situations though . This was very impersonal as I didn 't have to interact with many people . Just doing this trip and knowing , even if I am anxious about it , I can breathe through it and continue on . I don 't know what the future holds but it sure looks good from here . Going into big crowds like that was amazing and overwhelming at the same time . We kept it simple ; using cabs to get to the mall and back . We didn 't do any sightseeing at all . The fear of getting lost is still too strong . It amazes me how someone can disappear like that . No Manitoba Health card for over 5 years so no medical treatments in that time . She didn 't even have a card when we know she lived here for sure . I remember going to see her at her old apartment about 3 years ago and knocking on her door and hearing her drag furniture and boxes away from her door . After being allowed to enter , seeing her Spartan ways overwhelmed me . She was scared , lonely and very , very ill . She couldn 't wait for me to leave and when I did , I heard all the boxes and furniture being barricaded on the other side of the door once again . The fear . I can 't know the fear she must live with every day . All I know is the fear I have for her . She won 't have ID so if something should have happened to her we might never find out . No hospital stay information or death certificates would be available because no one will be able to know who she is . This sister has become a ghost . I know she might not want to be found but now it 's not about estates and letting her know the news about our Dad . Now it 's about knowing she still lives , in whatever world she might find herself and hopefully still on the same earth as me . Mental illness … another one allowed to slip through the cracks . I can 't blame anyone for that though . As her family we tried . Her illness was so frightening . I couldn 't even let my son drive her home at one time ( for which he kindly volunteered ) for fear of anything she might say he did or what she might do to him . Her actions and words struck terror in my gut many times . The medical community did their best short of locking her up for the rest of her life to make sure she took her meds . The one time she was on meds she was our sweet sister again but it didn 't last long . Now it must have been years since she 's even seen a doctor . I remember her when I was a very little girl . I was very ill for the first few years of my life and still see her lovingly mothering me ; taking me for walks in the carriage , scratching my back ( which calmed me very much ) and giving me treats . When kids bullied me in school later on she went out and had a T - shirt made for me that said " Marie Boomer - Superstar " . I wore that thing until the letters fell off . It made me feel like a superstar . I 'm trying really hard to remember the wonderful sister she could be . She left home when I was very young though and I rarely saw her until I was an adult again and her illness had progressed so much . It 's not easy to keep the good memories alive since there are so few of them but I will . This week my second grandchild was born . My Dad died on Friday and Lexi was born on Monday , 11 days overdue . Lexi was supposed to be a boy , according to three 3D ultrasounds but came out a beautiful , healthy girl . She was a huge surprise . Hopefully we can find all the receipts for the boy stuff everyone bought . I was sure having Lexi in my life , now with a huge empty space from losing my Dad , would fill in that big gap in my heart . She does in a way but I 've had a cold or allergies since she was born so only saw her once . My Londynn was here , though , and kept me going for one afternoon . She makes me tired . I no longer have my daily visits with my Dad . Those sure got me out of the apartment . I miss him so much . Tonight there was a sharing circle at my sisters . It was wonderful to hear stories about my Dad coming from people I barely knew and from family I love dearly . I shared some of my own stories while taking in the scent of the bonfire , the sage burning in the bowl beside it and listening to the birds singing and calling out to each other . After I was finished I threw cedar into the fire and watched it get eaten up by the flames . Everyone else did the same . I watched the smoke drift up to the sky . The sky looked like it wanted to rain but it held off . I was glad I went . Never have I felt so alone as I have this week . It 's been a confusing time and I thought I would have been prepared for this but I wasn 't . I 'm not . His birthday was on Tuesday and that day was just a write off for me . I spent that whole day in bed . I just couldn 't get up . The same thing happened the day after he died . I 've gone downhill in my mental health ; feeling more isolated , sleeping so much more and feeling quite alone in my already little world . Everyone in my family are grieving too and my sister is so busy with arrangements and such . There are a few people who have written to ask how I 'm holding up ( badly ) or one really nice man I know tried TWICE to get me out but I couldn 't bear to leave the apartment . He even promised me ice cream ! I received a lot of support on Facebook from my friends . I thank them all very much for taking the time to acknowledge my loss . My Dad 's final days were spent with his family surrounding him every chance they got . I spent a huge amount of time with him and have some very happy times I really want to share . Little things , like when we first played bird songs on my sister 's iPad and the smile that came across his face . He wasn 't really in the same world as we were at that point so this was really nice to see . He spent a lot of time in this another world so any indication that he heard us or recognized something else was wonderful and so very special . The nurses all had stories to tell and all said how much they love him , how he was a favourite there . Dad was known for his hugs after putting up big battles whenever he had to be turned or changed as it gives him so much pain . He would fight , kick , hit and swear at the nurses and then , when they were done , calmly ask for each of them to give him a hug . They loved it and made it worthwhile they said . The day before he died I was there with him and my sister . We were playing music from his era as well as songs he used to sing to us when we were little girls , all from his era as well . " You Beautiful Doll " , " I Did It My Way " , lots of Frankie and Bing and some Al Jolson . Of course it was hard not to cry when we heard these songs . We even sang them to him too . When he could still talk he told me , very politely , to stop singing please . So when he couldn 't talk anymore , I started singing to him again . One song , " If You Were The Only Girl . . " we played over and over because he seemed to react to it the most . I was holding his hand when he started tugging on it , urging me to get up off my chair . I did and his other hand was searching for my other one so I grasped our hands together . Suddenly , he started swinging my arms to the music ! We were dancing ! It was marvelous and my sister and I were laughing so hard and he was grinning as he was trying to push me over on one side then all the way over across his bed . Finally , his incredible strength got me to almost topple right on top of him where he had me in the most incredible bear hug and had my arms all twisted like a pretzel . I honestly couldn 't move ! My sister was laughing so hard she finally managed to choke out , " need a little help ? " I could only squeak , " yes please " when a nurse appeared , shocked at the spectacle and he let go . I will never forget that last dance with my Dad . I spent a night there and would have spent many more but I was on baby alert , waiting for my grandson to arrive , which , as of this date and 10 days overdue , he has not . But I would spend all day every day with my Dad . Yesterday , though , my sister told me something was different and maybe I should get there quickly . So I took the hour - long bus ride earlier than I was going to , praying that he will hold on just long enough for me to say goodbye again and arrived there in plenty of time . I leaned over him , giving him my killer smile as I always do , and , lo and behold , he smiled back , tried to say my name and wrapped his arms around me in a huge hug . After that though , his morphine was working and he really wasn 't conscious anymore . More family came to say goodbye and all we did for hours was watch his chest move up and down , then nothing , then up and down again . Fooled us many times . With his apnea , this was expected we were told . My sister and I were finally left alone with him for the night . My son was getting someone else to be on baby alert . Before he finally let go my sister and I were trying to conjure up my mom so she could come and get him since he wouldn 't leave on his own . Not 3 hours later , I noticed his breath getting shallower and quieter . Then I went to his mouth and nose and felt for his breath . There were only one or two more breaths , then nothing . Still nothing . I checked his heartbeat and got my sister to call the nurse . The nurse came with her stethoscope and confirmed what we already knew . My mom found him and took him home at last . It 's so hard to believe that this is over . My Dad is gone . An era is finished . It 's very strange not climbing on the bus everyday . It 's very strange not to hear him babble about his mom and dogs and horses and call me by his sister 's name or him thinking I 'm his mom or even knowing it 's me . It 's very strange connecting to family I haven 't seen in months or years . It 's very strange to have the first love of my life leave this earth so quietly after arguing so much and so long with whomever is in charge of our length of time on Earth . That 's it . All done . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

I was born in Port Isabel , Texas . You never heard of it ? Well it 's right at the tip of Texas . About as far south as you can go and still be in the USA . My father was Larry Wilson , a shrimp fisherman and my mother was Annie Wilson , she was a waitress in a small café . Me , I 'm Levon Helm Wilson . Yep , I was named for the singer . It seems that my fathers favorite song was " The Weight " and when my mom was pregnant he was always singing " Take The Load Off Annie " , yeah I know those are not the right words , but that 's the way I wound up being named Levon . My Dad was killed in a boating accident in 2001 , when I was 9 . He had a small insurance policy through his employer , which allowed mom and me to survive on her tips and wages from the café . My mom never remarried and she died in 2010 of heart failure as she pulled into the parking lot at work . I was 17 at the time . But , this story is not about them , it is about me , being poor , bad luck , and the will to survive . It was the first day of summer vacation and mom told me that Leroy was looking for someone to sweep and clean at the boatyard . Money was always in short supply at our house , and jobs for 12 year olds were in even shorter supply . I think the population was around 5000 , with most being of working age . There were two kinds of jobs , one had something to do with fishing and the other dealt with tourists to South Padre Island . I walked past the elementary school on the way to the boatyard and saw a lot of boys playing baseball , but I hurried on to Taylor 's . " So you 're Annie 's boy ? Well . . . I guess I do need a little help around here . Go through that door , it 's the woodshop . Tell Lopee that he just got promoted and you 're taking his place . And send him out to see me . " When I went through the door . it looked like a bomb had gone off and the air was filled with sawdust from what I was to learn was the router . The guy running the machine turned it off and walked over to where I had stopped and I explained that I was looking for Lupe . " Well , Lopee 's job is to help whoever needs it , and sweep up . Can you handle that ? " and he pointed to a push broom . Start over there behind the last row of shelves and work this way . Lopee should be back before you get that done then we 'll get together and figure out what 's going on . " As Lopee crossed the boat shop , Leroy waved him into the office , and sat down at the coffee table pointing to the chair across from him . As Lopee sat down Leroy said " I called you in here because you are probably the only one who will jack with that kid and I 'm telling you right now , don 't even think about it or I 'll fire your ass outta here . You got it ? Good , now here 's the story on that boy . His dad was killed when the nets caught him and drug him under on a fishing boat a few years ago . His mama is Annie , down at the café . He needs a job because they ain 't got a damn thing . He 's going to be working with you and Vera mostly because he is not big enough to work in repair or engines . Give him a job and let him do it , don 't make it hard on him or you 're gonna be on your hands and knees cleaning the whole damn shop for as long as you work here . Send Rivera in . " Leroy then explained the same thing to Rivera without the threats . " Vera I want that boy to learn every job in this shop . As soon as he can do everything in your shop send him to assembly . If you see anyone mistreating him let me know . I care a lot for his mother and if I were a lot younger I would tell her so and I 'm not going to let anyone cause him any problems . " " I don 't know , he needs to work all the hours he can , but I think it 's against the law for a kid to work over so many hours . Check it out and if I have to I 'll just pay him in cash . Better fix him up with a time card , then go get him and show him where the clock is . Start him at a dollar over minimum wage just like any other worker with no experience . Show him where the bathrooms are and tell him I want them a whole lot cleaner than they have been . Then call the uniform man and tell him we have a new hire . I 'll be out back of the engine shop somebody tried to get through the window last night . " I was almost through sweeping under the shelves when a lady named Tina came in to get me . She showed me a time card , the card rack , and how to punch the clock . Then she showed me the bathrooms and told me that Leroy was not happy with the job that Lopee had been doing and wanted them a lot cleaner and kept that way . I asked about cleaning supplies and we looked in a closet to find it out of most everything . She just shook her head and said she would go get us some . I went back to the woodshop and learned that we were making parts for a 28 ' X 12 ' catamaran with a flat deck that was used by lobster fishermen . I had to lay the templates on plywood and draw around them , then cut just outside the lines using a band saw . Then I screwed the template to the plywood and Lopee ran them on the table router . The template rode against a roller bearing on top of the cutter which let it cut the plywood to the exact size of the template . Any inside square cuts had to be done with what they called a Jap Saw . It looked like just a small hand saw to me . After a few weeks I had learned how to run all the equipment and make all the parts . The woodshop was clean , the bathrooms all clean and neat and I was on my way to assembly . Lopee was informed that he was back on bathroom duty and he better get it right this time . I don 't think he liked me much but it went both ways . The guy was just lazy and always wanted to take a shortcut . I got a real shock when I got my first pay envelope , I just took it home unopened and gave it to mom . A few minutes later she came in my room and asked me where I got all the money . I told her Tina gave it to me and it was my pay . She told me that I must have got the wrong envelope because this one had $ 364 in it . She called Tina and Tina told her that it was for 48 hours and Leroy had set my wage at $ 7 an hour and told her to pay me in cash because they had found out it was illegal to work a kid under 14 years old . Tina told mom that she had better keep it quite because nobody at the shop knew how much I made and Leroy would get in a lot of trouble if the state found out I was working there . I liked assembly . I worked with Miguel Herrera everyone called him Mono which meant monkey . His daughter was a year behind me in school . We put the parts I had made in the woodshop together using a few screws and a lot of epoxy . We set the bulkheads up in slots cut in boards on a long table sort of thing . Once they were set up we attached stringers to them using a cement type glue in tubes . You put the glue in the notch , placed the stringer in the notch , made sure the bulkhead was straight up and down , then put one small nail through the stringer into the bulkhead with an air nail gun . Mono said it was a lot easier with two people . One bulkhead had to have several notches enlarged by hand so the stringers would go in . I was asking Mono why they didn 't just change the router template , when Leroy came in . Mono said he had shown the bulkhead to Lopee several times and had marked the changes for him but nothing ever happened . Leroy asked if he had shown it to Vera . He said he didn 't , he had just shown it to Lopee when he was sweeping . Leroy left and came back in a few minutes with Lopee and he asked him if Mono had shown him the bulkhead . Lopee said yes that he had just not got around to it . Leroy just looked at him for a few minutes and then told him to go get whatever belonged to him and stop by the office on the way out and he would have his final paycheck ready . After they left Mono and I talked about what happened . We were setting up the bulkheads for the opposite hull when Leroy came back . He was still mad and told Mono that in the future if something did not fit , to give it to me . He then told me it would be my job to make the changes on the template and make sure the part fit right . I was to get a notebook from Tina and write down the part number of the template and the change that I made . I was to keep the notebook locked up in my locker and to make damn sure it was accurate . The next morning at the coffee table before work Leroy told everyone why he fired Lopee , and no one had anything to say in his defense . He then told Vera and Mono that they would both have new helpers as soon as he could get some hired . He told me to stop what I was doing and make a complete set of templates and mark them as the master template for that part then to route a set of parts from them and check the assembly of them and make sure they fit to suit Mono . He then told Mono that he wanted the parts to fit perfect and not to accept anything less . Nobody makes a change to those templates except Levon and then it will be his ass if the parts don 't fit . A week later I had them done and checked and put on the top shelf . They are only to be used if a problem comes up with one of the work templates Mono and Vera gave me a bad time , Mono said " Damn Levy , you only been here two months and you got two promotions . You 'll be working on the big boat before long . " I said " Yeah , I think he 's still trying to find something I can do . " A few days later , Leroy came through the shop , and handed me a key , telling me to open the back gate . Then he yelled at Maris , and told him the engines for the big boat were here . I opened the gate and saw everyone headed to the building at the back of the lot . That was the first time I saw the big boat . It was a 46 ' long by 22 ' wide catamaran built to be a salvage boat . It had a large " A " frame and overhead rail down the center that allowed you to lift heavy loads and place them along the center of the deck . It made the 28 ' cats that I had been working on look very small . Mono told me that it was suppose to be able to pick up a complete 28 ' cat and self load it on the deck for delivery , or to bring one in for repair . It sure was a pretty boat . Oh well , back to work . My next stop was working for " DJ " , Duane James , in what was called Fill and Fair . I learned real quick that the Fill was a hell of a lot easier than the Fair , and that the length of time you spent sanding was directly related to how even you put on the filler . It also depended on how smooth Mono put the fiberglass on over the plywood skins . School started and my hours went to 16 to 18 a week . Saturdays I would still work with DJ but through the week I was to help sweep and clean up in all the different areas of the shop . I was also given a set of keys to all the buildings and gates . It then became my job to check every gate and door to make sure it was locked . Walking back through the main shop Vera and Mono caught me and gave me the " Damn Levy , you got another promotion ? I been here 15 years and I never got no keys " Payday came and I took my envelope to Mom , she would take it to the bank with hers . I never looked at the amount of money I had and I never asked what my mom did with it . I got new clothes and had a few dollars in my pocket so I was happy . It turned out that I was paid $ 200 for 17 hours of work and my mom asked Leroy about it the next morning when he went to the café for breakfast . She told me he said it was a damn shame that the smartest employee he had was a 12 year old boy and it was none of her business how much he paid his employees and he didn 't want to hear any more about it . That settled it and I was paid the same amount through the school year . Saturday was another Fill and Fair day . There is one place on the left and right hulls that always takes a lot of fill to make the curve look right , I asked DJ how come and he told me that if there was something inside to hold the plywood skin out it wouldn 't need so much filler . " Well why don 't you have Vera add a stringer slot and they could put another stringer between those two bulkheads that would hold it out " . He just mumbled something and then left the room . When he came back he said Vera was checking on it . Later Vera and Leroy came in and asked what I wanted to do to the hull . I explained the problem and added that the skin templates would probably need some adjustment also . He just said fine and pointed to me and said get on it . It took a bit of playing with but I got the stringer and the skin to the point where it took very little fill . That night when I made my round checking the gates I saw where someone had pulled some old pallets from between the back of the building and the fence . You could see where they had walked back and forth moving them and the prints in the wet dirt looked just like those Mexican boots that Lopee wore . I found Leroy and told him he might oughta take a look at it . He said " That son of a bitch is trying to get through that window . No way of knowing when he 'll be back . I was thinking about what a friend in school had said about helping his father install security cameras . Leroy looked at me and asked " What are you thinking Levy ? I told him he needed to call my friends father and get a few cameras installed around the buildings . We decided it was better not to say anything to any of the other employees because we had several new guys and didn 't know if they could be trusted . A week later Lopee and one of his friends were in jail for breaking in and a lot of supplies were recovered at his house . Leroy said it more than paid for the cameras and recorder . Thanksgiving came , mom had to work but Leroy and I went to the café for dinner . I helped mom wait tables for a few minutes and then went and set with Leroy . We started talking about the shop and he asked me what job I would choose if I had the choice . I told him I wanted to drive the big boat . He laughed and said he wanted to drive it too . He told me he had been building it for 4 years as he had the money but , it was getting close and we would all be working on it through the winter slowdown . December , January , and February are our coldest months . It does stop the tourists and the pleasure boats but the fishing goes on year round , rain or shine . The 28 ' cats were slowing down as all the fishermen that used them had one and the dealers elsewhere were not moving many either . I told him he should give a drawing of it to Mono 's oldest daughter and have her change it into a pleasure boat . Then I explained that she was an art student and a senior in high school . Her whole class might take it on as a project , I know they do a lot of design work for the Isabel Chamber of Commerce . He was shaking his head yes but he didn 't say anything . Mom came and set with us for a few minutes and I got up and started cleaning tables . I caught a ride home with Leroy and he told me that the Cat 28 was a really good boat in the rough water and that was why the fishermen used them . It works really well for the lobster guys because they can stack those wire traps all over the deck and haul more than on a single hull boat . If it works well for the fishermen , it will make a hell of a pleasure boat . I 'll ask Mono if he has any problem with me asking Anita about a re - design . I asked if it would change anything from a point of safety . He said , " No , that it was rated for two 75 horse engines , but the fishermen just used a pair of 20 's on it , because it would run about 20 mph with them and they didn 't need to go faster . " He told me that right after he bought the design they built one with two 50 's on it and it was a rocket so they tried it with two 20 's and it was plenty Anita 's class went all out on the boat and we had 7 different configurations of it . Some were exotic but some where nice and would not cost a lot to produce . Leroy said he was going to get some brochures printed up and let the dealers tell him which ones to put into production . He gave Anita 's class $ 500 and I know he gave Anita a couple of hundred . He said it was the cheapest design work he had ever had done . I asked what it cost for the big boat design and he said , " A round $ 10K , and it was designed buy the same guy that did the Cat 28 . A week later we started working on the big boat . We had to move a lot of things around to get it up to the back of the shop . The cradle it was setting in had standard pickup wheels and tires on it . It had three axles in the middle and stands under the ends . One of Maris ' people had welded it up using square tubing . I got assigned the project of cleaning the whole boat with the little pressure washer and was told not to open the doors on it until I had all the dirt and bird shit off of it . I got my first look inside ; it looked like a house with a kitchen , supply room , bathroom with shower and storage on one side and two bedrooms and a bathroom on the other . There was a small storage area on each side , in the very front . I was in love with that boat . Maris said the fuel tanks were just in front of the engines , which were at the very back of each hull , and it would take around 400 gallons to fill them . Getting the engines in there , and running , was several weeks in the doing . I would bet that I made a million trips up and down the ladder . Every time I got back , somebody needed something else . The middle of April , we got a crane from Brownsville , to set it in the water . We hoisted two 55 - gallon drums of diesel up , and put a barrel in each tank . Leroy , Maris , and a few of us rode over to fuel it up . The wheelhouse was full width of the boat , and connected the two hulls . It reminded me of a huge flatbed truck . We each got a turn at the wheel , and I loved it . I asked Leroy how much he would charge me to be on the crew . Nothing else in my life had equaled this . It took another month to get the Coast guard inspections , sea trials , and all the certifications . Leroy had named it " Queen Isabel " . . . I loved it . The end of May came and I had been working a year . I had one week of vacation coming , but I had nowhere to go , so I sold it back to Leroy . We were selling more Cat 28 's than we ever had , and I got moved to final assembly , installing whatever deck configuration was ordered . I learned to install the engines , gauges , fish finders , radar , radios and all kinds of trinkets people wanted on their new boats . Of course , I caught hell from Vera and Mono , " Hey Levy , you get another promotion ? We heard Leroy 's gonna make you supervisor over the whole Cat department . " About that time , Leroy walked up behind them and said , " Yes I am , and you two shit heads better keep in mind that he can fire you . " You should have seen the look on their faces . It was funny as hell . As they were walking , off Leroy said , " Levy , what were those changes you wanted to make to the department ? " I was still laughing and I told him , " The first thing I would do is hire Mono 's daughter , to put the graphics on , because they were a pain in the butt . " Ole ' Leroy could pull some good ones , as he walked off he said " She has an application on file , I 'll have Tina call her in , and you can interview her " I looked over at Maris and asked if Leroy was bullshitting me . He said " I don 't know Levy , I don 't think so , you better wait a little bit and go check with Tina . " I waited a while , and went in the office to check with Tina , and she told me that Anita would be here at 9 o ' clock tomorrow , for me to interview . By then I had decided that everyone was in on it , so I said , " Yeah right , I 'll believe that when I see her . " She said " I thought Leroy was shitting me too , and he told me this was his company , and he would make the decisions as to who was supervisor and who would do the interview , and he told me he was training his replacement . " I said " Tina , he 's lost his ' god damned ' mind . I 'm 13 years old not 40 " she said , " Well , just come on in here in the morning , and sit here at the coffee table , at least you know her , just explain the job she 'll be doing , the work hours , and tell her that she will be making $ 7 an hour . I mean , how hard could it be ? " When I got home I told mom what had happened she said , " Listen to me Levon , I have talked to Leroy , almost every morning , for at least 15 years . We have a lot in common , and if he were a younger man , I think he would ask me out . I would go out with him , despite the age , but he won 't ask me . He is like us in many ways . He has no relatives and all he knows is hard work . I think he considers us his family , and he says that you will do a great job running the shop someday , and if that makes him happy , why can 't you just accept it , and do the best job you can for him . We needed help and he gave you a job . How many people would hire a 12 year old boy to do a man 's job ? The only advice I can give you , is just step up , be a man , and do it . It makes him happy , and it makes me happy . What were your plans for life ? Work on a fish boat ? Wait tables in a café ? No Levon , you do whatever he tells you , and you will always come out ahead . " And that is how I wound up sitting at the coffee table , looking at her application , when Anita came in , followed by Leroy . I was wondering if the joke was over and it was time for me to leave , when Leroy told Anita , that since it was my first time interviewing a job applicant , that he would sit in and help me , if I needed it . I don 't think Anita was nervous , but I sure was . I explained the job in final assembly , and that she might be needed to work in other areas . When I said it , it didn 't sound all that wonderful to , me so I told her that if any design or art work came up , if she could do it , it would be hers . I then told her she would start at $ 7 per hour , that the workweek was 40 hours and that in the summer we worked almost every Saturday . I then asked Leroy if he had anything , but he said I had covered it . At that point I didn 't know what to do , so I just said , " OK your hired . " She thanked me for the job and promised to work hard , and I knew she would . She then looked me square in the eyes and said , " Never forget that I was your first . " and then she , Leroy and Tina about died laughing . I said " OK , but I do wish my memory was better . " I told her that Tina would get her a time card and show her the clock and restroom and where to find me . Anita was a hell of a worker . She could put the graphics on , by herself , before I could figure out which side was up . It never got too hard or too dirty for her . She knew everything about final assembly within two weeks . She always had a smile on her face , and cheered up the whole shop . I told Mono I would send her over to wood assembly and maybe she could get his ass straightened out . Everyone in the shop just had to ask Mono where she had learned her work habits because it sure wasn 't from him . And did I mention that she really looked good in a shop uniform The fenced in area down to the water had junk and trash scattered from one end to the other and the old dock looked like hell . We needed to clean it up , but couldn 't afford to lose the shop time . We wound up with half of the High School working for about 6 hours . It was picked up , mowed , cleaned and raked . Nobody could remember it being so clean and neat . We had quite a few part time people , working all over the shop , and 2 of them were fair carpenters . They were put to work replacing boards on the dock . Leroy hired a company to dredge our water front . Along the back of the lot there was a short canal type thing that ran the length of the lot , they brought in a barge with a pile driver on it and hammered in posts , for a special made dock , for the Queen Isabel , which brought it right up to the building . I wondered if we would ever get to use the boat , but Leroy said we needed to stay on the Cat 28 's , as long as they were selling so well . We did get everything fixed up , and painted the building , inside and out . By the end of summer , things had slowed down a little , and most of the part timers were laid off . They knew when they hired in that it was just for a few months but it still was not a happy occasion . Leroy and I took two cats to Port Lavaca . We hauled one , and pulled one , and brought back an old shrimp boat that somebody wanted fixed up . I got to drive the boat most of the way . I thought there would be more boat traffic around Corpus Christi , and was a bit disappointed . I had never been there , but then again I 'm not sure I had ever been anywhere that was over 25 miles from Port Isabel . Over the next few months , we picked up , and delivered , several boats , and Leroy bought a couple at a boatyard near Houston . The summer went by in a flash , and the school year almost over , and my birthday was coming up . I wanted a small motor scooter or motorbike to get to school and to the shop . I traded a 50 hp Honda motor , that I had bought , and rebuilt , to a shop in Brownville . I only had $ 400 in the motor , so I got a bargain . I could cut a lot of walking time from what I considered wasted time . I almost lived at the shop , and would have if mom would have let me . Leroy gave me a set of books for a Captains license . The guys were giving me a bad time and telling me that it might be a close thing as I had four books , and four years till I was old enough to get the license . Tina told Vera , that if he didn 't leave me alone she was going to show me where he had made an " X " , where his signature went on his job application . We hired on the summer help , and I asked Leroy if Anita could supervise them this year , as I would like to work with Maris in repair a bit more . I could tell he was not totally behind that idea , and I asked him about it . He told me that he was afraid that the part timers might not listen to her , because of her happy go lucky attitude . I told him , that if anyone gave her a problem , he would have the whole damn shop on his ass . That girl does not tell anyone what to do , she just smiles and asks and they do it . He said , " Yeah , I 've noticed how she plays you like a fiddle . " I said , " Not really , I just have the same problem that you do . " He wanted to know what that was and I said " My Mom and the age difference . " He just ignored me and said , " Don 't let it stop you . " I replied , " Don 't let it stop you either . " Well , my heart was broken , Anita has a boyfriend in the Coast Guard . Damn she is pretty . Mom told me there was a bigger difference between 14 and 19 than there was between 38 and 67 . I 'm going to have to think about that for a while . Mom did suggest that I might start thinking about her little sister , as she was just a year younger than me . " Ain 't no way , she 's the ' whine bag ' from hell . Pretty , but still a ' whine bag ' . Maybe I better stick to boats . " We had the part timers tear down an old wood building next to the street . It didn 't take a lot of effort , I think they pushed it over , and then picked up what was left . I don 't think there was a 6 " square anywhere on the concrete slab that wasn 't cracked , so we got a local guy to bring his Bobcat and a dump truck , and haul it off . I was surprised when a crew of builders showed up and started building a new building , which turned out to be two apartments , both had two bedrooms . I was still wondering about it , when mom told me we were going to move and that she was buying a car . Dad had an old truck , but we never had a car , that I could remember . Before school started again , we had moved into the apartment , at the boatyard , and mom had a car . I didn 't even know she could drive . It didn 't come as much of a surprise when Leroy moved in to the other apartment . He told us he had sold his house for more than the two apartments had cost . Living at the boatyard ? Hey ! What could be bad about that ? Now I could work on whatever I wanted to on Sundays . The guys gave Leroy a bad time about , it and he told them he had checked into what 24 hour security would cost , and the apartments had cost about what a year of security would , and it would keep me out of trouble . The years passed by , and I was thinking that I was probably the luckiest person in the world . I wouldn 't trade my life for anyone I could think of . I had bought and sold a few boats of my own and had made some good money on them . Right after Christmas , when I was 17 , my mom got sick and didn 't work for a few days . When she did go back to work she had a heart attack and died . I was pretty tore up , but it almost killed Leroy . I was a senior in high school and having to run the boatyard , because Leroy just didn 't seem to give a shit . I took off a day from school , and called everyone in the shop in for a meeting . Leroy was still in his apartment and had not come out yet . I told them that they would either have to run the place , until Leroy decided to take control again , or look for jobs , because I was going to finish high school , and I had 4 more months . They all agreed , and I put Anita in charge of production , and Maris in charge of service . Tina still had the office , purchasing , and sales . I 'll get Leroy to go to the bank with me and get it where I can sign the checks . By the first of May , Leroy was back running things , and called for a shop meeting . He apologized for letting us down , and said he was leaving management set up the way I had it , and said it made more sense than him trying to keep up with everything . I thought it was pretty cool , because I didn 't include myself in a management position . He then said that , " As of June 1st , Levy will be taking over , as General Manager , of all of Taylor Marine . " I held my breath , until I damned near passed out , and then asked what he planned to do . He said , " Well , I thought I would see if Maris could use me in the engine shop . " Mono said , " God damn ' Levy , you got another promotion , and I 'm still gluing sticks together . " Anita told him if he didn 't shut up he would be gluing them somewhere else . He said , " Damn girl , what did I teach you about family sticking together ? " The first week of June , I went to take my Coast Guard Captains Certification , and passed it . I had been kinda maybe breaking the law a little bit . There are some fine lines in the law , about hauling passengers for hire , including any type of payment . When I hauled in a boat , and the crew was riding on my boat , I was actually getting paid for what I was doing , and they were in the boat with me , but I 'll let you be the judge . When I got back from the test , Leroy handed me the papers for the " Queen Isabel " , and told me , " It didn 't belong to the shop , it was his , and he was giving it to me , and I could do what I wanted with it . " I almost cried , but I held it together , and told him that the 3 most important things in my life were mom , him , and that boat . All he said was , " That 's why it 's yours . " We were still building the Cat 28 , but sales had slowed down again . We really needed to come up with something new , if we were going to grow any . I asked Anita if she could come up with a cabin that could be made and shipped in a flat box to the dealers . I think everyone in the shop had a little input in it . Mono started calling it the " Cat House " project . It was kind of a cute little box , with plastic windows , and a front and back door . The walls had 1 / 8 " plywood skins with 1 " X 2 " for studs . The walls were filled with closed cell foam , the corners pinned together similar to house door hinges and the top in a similar manor . I told Leroy that if a wave hit those windows they would be gone and he said yeah but you wont know it because if a wave hits the " cathouse " it 'll be gone too . The panels were coated with epoxy resin and a white gel - coat . You had to screw down an aluminum angle to the deck , then the walls bolted to it at the bottom . It was the only way it would stand up because the doors were as tall as the cabin . Oh well , we sold over 200 of them at $ 3K a unit . It was some easy money but not enough demand . I was still looking for new ideas , but they were hard to come by . I had been " The Manager " , for about a year , when Leroy told me we needed to go see the lawyer again . He had set it up , where he sold everything he had to me , for the price of the use of his apartment , utilities , and $ 500 a month , until he died . He also had the title for the apartments separated from the business , and said that way , if I went broke , I would still have a home . I asked him how he was going to live on $ 500 a month and he said , " Have you never heard of Social Security ? " He told me he was through working , he just wanted a place to hang out . The lawyer said that the business had always made a lot of money , and that when the business account built up to $ 300K , the overflow was put into a savings account that was automatically accessed if the Business account went below $ 100K . That was a lot of money . With the exception of buying and selling boats , which I always made money doing , I probably had not spent $ 5K in my whole life . I still had almost all my wages from the time I was 12 . I had the money made on boats , and I had what Mom left me plus her insurance . I had a quarter million of my own money and I tried to give it to Leroy . The lawyer said , " Levy , in Leroy 's will , he is leaving you everything he has , so the money would just come back to you anyway so leave it be . " Damn , what a responsibility , I had employees to look after and Leroy to look after . The next morning , I followed Leroy to the café , where he would spend most the morning , talking to a lot of other retired guys . I got two burritos and went to the shop . I was in the office sitting at the coffee table when Tina and the rest of the employees came drifting in . I asked Tina what the sales looked like and she said they were fair but she needed to get on the phone and chase down a few leads . I told her to Hire a sales person , give them a base pay and to figure out a commission on new sales and repair . Tina was looking at Anita and I could tell she wanted her to say something so I asked Anita if she had something to say . It came as a surprise when she said she wanted the job . I was shocked and asked why ? She said she wanted to create sales brochures , talk to people and she wanted to wear a dress and look like a woman . Before I thought , I said , " Anita you are the most beautiful woman in the world . " She stood up , walked around the table , reached for my hand and pulled me to my feet . She kissed me and said , " Thanks Levy , now can I have the job ? " I stood there with my mouth open , shaking my head yes . When everyone went to work , I was still sitting there , and Tina told me , " Levy , that was just a kiss , and that 's all it will ever be . Get up off your ass , go to work and forget it . " I went to find Anita and I asked her how the hell I was going to decide between Vera and Mono for her job . She just said , " They have both done it , and either one of them can do it , but you better make up your mind , because I 'm going to Brownsville , to buy some clothes , and I 'm going to sell the shit out of some boats . Oh , and I need a car and a credit card . " I just looked at her and said , " What kind ? " " I didn 't know . " Maris was listening , until he started laughing so hard he couldn 't get his breath and couldn 't tell anyone why he was doing it . Every time he started to tell someone he cracked up . I went and got Vera and Mono and told them that one of them was going to have to take Anita 's job . They both said , " Sheeeiit no Levy , not me . " I said , " OK , Vera you are the boss on odd numbered days , and Mono , you are the boss on even numbered days . Go see Tina and get a calendar and don 't give me any shit because I 've had a bad day . " I could hear Maris laughing all the way across the shop . I stepped into the office and told Tina to get Anita a company credit card and a car . She said what kind and I said whatever she wants . She just picked up her cell phone called Anita and told her to go ahead and get the car and to have them call her with the invoice amount . When she hung up she said , " Anita said you better get your ass to building some boats . " I was standing there trying to figure out what the hell had just happened , when I heard Leroy talking to Maris , then they were laughing , then I could hear Mono and Vera laughing with them . I stuck my head out of the office and yelled , " Anita called and said to get you dumb asses to building boats , she doesn 't want to see nothing but assholes and elbows when she gets back . I sat back down at the coffee table , Leroy came in and sat down , got a cup of coffee , and said . " How was your morning , Levy ? " Then both he and Tina cracked up . I stood up and told them I needed to go up the coast and check on some boats for rebuild . I 'll see ya 'll tomorrow . The next morning , I opened the shop and went in to make coffee , and the damned coffee table was gone . In its place was a desk , chairs , a computer , phone , and surrounded by those gray carpet looking half walls . On the desk was a tray with business cards , I took one , it said " Anita Herrera , sales , Taylor Marine , Port Isabel Texas . " Well that 's fine , but where was the coffee . Tina came in , but walked across the shop , and turned on the light in the supply room . Ah there 's the coffee . I walked in and waited while Tina made the coffee . I said " How did you get all this done in one day ? " , and she told me that Anita said do it and Bam it happened . Yeah that would do it alright , what the hell has got into that girl ? She looked at me and said . " Levy , don 't you tell her that I told you , but her boyfriend dumped her , and called her a stupid " meskin bitch . " I asked , " Has anybody killed him yet ? " She said " Just stay out of it , and don 't say anything . " Everyone started showing up for work and Tina headed up to the office . I went in the office later , to harass Anita about her new office . I walked in , and said , " I 'm so glad that you moved the coffee table , where are you going to put my new desk ? " " You don 't need no damned desk Levy , go build me some boats . " " Well , I guess I better go back to work now . You ladies have a nice day . " We drug up some folding chairs , around Anita 's desk , for Leroy , Maris , Mono , Vera , Tina , and me . Anita said , " I 'm trying to set up dealers for the Cat 28 , and the inland dealers are harder than those on the coast , because most anything will get across smooth water , if you put big enough motor on it . They don 't care that the Cat will get you home , regardless of weather conditions . Two of the biggest dealers in the Dallas Fort Worth area told me they would buy the Cat if the shipping from " Halfway to Central America " weren 't so high . So here 's what I 'm thinking . I can get a 6 month old Dodge diesel short bed with 5 , 000 miles on it . It has been hit in the ass and the bed was torn off . The frame can be fixed and I can have it equipped with steel fenders and a Fifth wheel hitch . Even trade , for a Cat 28 , with instrument pack and cabin . I can get a 40 ' flatbed trailer that was made to haul 10 golf carts , rated at 14 , 000 pounds , for $ 7K . Maris can build us a rack to hold 4 sets of hulls , and the decks can fit in the space behind them . I 'll go up there with the first load and assemble them in their shop . I 'll put on a little show for their service people and they will think we are doing them a favor letting them sell them . So , what do you think , Leroy ? " Leroy looked around and finally said , " Anita , while it sounds fine to me , and I 'm sure you can handle it , the decision is not mine . I sold the company , and I 'm just here to have someplace to hang out . " Everyone looked terrified , and Leroy was having a good time stringing them along . " I 'm sorry , I thought ya 'll knew , I 'm sure that if you 're real sweet to the new owner , it will be OK . " I cleared my throat and said , " Anita , about the desk ? " She said , " I 'll share it with you . " " OK , that will work , and also , I 've only been inland as far as Brownsville , so I want to go with you to Dallas . " She said , " OK , anything else ? " " No I guess not . " " OK then , Levy , Please get your ass out of here , and Please go build me some boats . " I thought I would take advantage while I had the chance , so I asked her if we could share the chair also . She said , " Get the hell outta here and go build some boats . " Leroy said , " Well Levy , I think you had it going your way , right up to the share the chair . " " Oh well , back to work . " The truck worked out good . Anita designed some graphics for it , and it looked real nice . You could never tell it had been wrecked . The trailer took some real doing , to get it figured out , to hold 4 complete Cats . Anita took 8 pennies and played with the placement until she settled for 3 rows , the outside rows were 3 high and the center was two high . The two in the center were raised , so they nested between the others . You loaded the center two and strapped them down , then loaded the rack on each side . When loaded , you pivoted it up . It used an electric boat winch on each side rack to pivot them in place . The 4 X 12 deck sections , along with the " cathouses " and steering consoles were stacked behind the hulls . The truck has a combination toolbox / luggage storage on the back of the cab . The trip was quite an eye opening event for me . Our new truck driver went with us , and I spent almost the whole trip on a tiny seat behind the seats . We stopped in Temple and Waco and picked up dealers there . Ramon was going to have another trip to make , as soon as we got home . We delivered to a dealer near Joe Pool lake , in Fort Worth , and Anita told the owner that we would assemble one and he could have two of his guys assemble the other one at the same time . Ramon and I , along with two other guys , unloaded two sets of parts while Anita was on the phone with the next dealer . She went to change clothes , and we started setting up the hulls . None of us were ready when she came out of the building . She was wearing a turquoise with black trim jumpsuit that , looked like it was painted on her . Needless to say , she had no trouble getting help . We finished ours in about an hour and a half , then helped them finish up the other one . We put the cathouse on one . The dealer was going to sell the houses separate even though he got them as a package . Anita changed clothes and we headed across the city to Lewisville . It 's a good thing that Ramon knew where we were going because Anita and I didn 't have much of an idea . He said he had used a GPS for a number of years and it pretty much did away with being lost . We got to the Lewisville dealer , just before closing time , and he had already lined up two guys to stay over and help . Anita went and changed into her paint suit , and suddenly we had 5 helpers staying over , plus the owner . We made it back to Waco before stopping for the night . We bought a six pack and ordered a pizza . We had been gone 3 days , and decided that we would make it home tomorrow . I drove for a while , and Ramon got in the back , and leaned between the seats and gave Anita GPS lessons , until she had it down . When I started getting close to the next city , I pulled over and gave it back to Ramon . Anita crawled in the back , and then let me know how bad the back seat was , until I traded back with her at the next fuel sWhen I got back to the shop , I told everyone that I was never going again . For the next week my name was " City Boy . " Ramon and Mono made the next trip and drove straight through both ways with one day for assembly . Once the dealers had assembled one there would be no need to send anyone with Ramon . Within a month we were behind on orders , had people working outside sanding and fiber - glassing , it was a mess . I called Anita and told her to , " Come on back to the shop , quit selling , and let us catch up . " She was pissed and I told her to , " Get her ass back to the shop , and figure out how we were going to keep up with sales . " Two days later she was standing outside the shop , watching 16 people working as hard as possible . She said , " Build a big carport type building and leave the sanding , glass , and fill out here year round . That way the shop won 't be so messy . Put some big fans along the inside . Hire a person to constantly sweep and shovel . You can 't slow down , because these are already sold . " I said , " Well , you better go through the rest of the shop , and see if you can come up with some help there . I have a new giant compressor coming in this afternoon , because the two we have are too small and are running constantly . You really need to quit selling everything you can , and just sell at a constant level . Hell Anita your killing us . We 're working 7 days a week . You 're going to load up all your dealers , and they are not going to sell them as fast as you do . " All she said was , " I 'll get more dealers and load their asses up too . " Leroy walked up and said , " Stop it , both of you , I might not be the owner anymore , but I 'm not letting you two get in to a fist fight in front of all these people . Come on to the office , we 'll figure it out . " On the way to the office , I was thinking that I must have really screwed , up to have Leroy step in . We got to the office and I noticed that Leroy took Anita 's chair . I grabbed the other one , before she had a chance to get it , and motioned for her to sit in my lap . She gave me a dirty look and said , " That 's not funny . " , and went and got another chair . Leroy said , " Anita , about two months ago , something happened that really pissed you off , and you changed from the person you were into a very angry young woman . I don 't know if you realize it , or not , but you have taken a lot of it out on the one person , who in all this whole world , cares for you the most . I am sure that you know that Levy has been in love with you since he was 12 years old . He knows , I know , and you know , that nothing can ever come of that . He has always let you have anything you wanted , and I 'll say that what you have always wanted was good for the business and the employees . Now for the bad part , Levy is right about being stretched to the limit on production capacity . We have not got the room in the shop , nor do we have anywhere to expand , to keep up with your sales . If you need more money , I am sure that Levy will give you more money , because money does not mean a god damned thing to the boy . " I looked up at Leroy and then looked at Anita , she had tears running down her face . I couldn 't take it anymore and I put my arm around her . Leroy got up and went to Tina 's desk and told her , " Let 's go to lunch , they 'll get it worked out . " Anita and I talked for several hours . It seems she had decided that all white guys looked at all Mexican girls as stupid ' meskin bitches ' . I would really like to kill that bastard that she was dating . I realize , and I think that Anita knows , that neither of us will ever have a better friend . I asked her if she needed more money and she said the only expense that she had was the rent on an apartment that she shared with two other girls . I offered to let her move in with me , just so she could cut expenses . She said , " Sheeeit , Levy , that 'll never work . " I said " Well , if you change your mind , bring your clothes and come on . The next morning , she was knocking on my door . I said " All right Anita , you 're going to move in with me ? " " No , you dumb ass , let me in the shop so I can make coffee . I brought us some burritos . " I mumbled something about life just not being fair and we walked over to the shop . Anita got the coffee going and said she wanted to change clothes . When she came back she had on a regular work uniform . I asked " Where the turquoise uniform was ? " and she said , " I need boats Levy , lots of boats . " " Ok , you 'll get them , but do you think you could get one of those uniforms for the girl that works for DJ . " " You mean Sandy ? Damn Levy , if you want to look at her ass , just tell her to bend over , she 'll do it so fast the dust won 't settle for an hour . " " Do you really think so ? " " Hell yes , are you blind as well as stupid . " " Well , you know I 'm a poor orphan , and I need to learn these things , can you teach me ? " " I 'm not giving you no ' god damned ' lessons Levy . " We started working on the production problem . The new compressor would not be up and running for several days . We had to pour a pad and build a roof over it , then get the electricians to hook it up . We moved the sanding operation out in the middle of the yard , in the hot sun , so we could get the car port built . It was going to be a monster , 40 X 80 . It was almost as big as our building . DJ knew somebody at a rental place in Brownsville , and got two gas powered compressors that helped quite a bit . People were bitching about the sun , so Anita went and got a few cases of cola and water , two cases of beer and a tub of ice . She had a girl hauling water to the workers , and let them have one beer at break . I didn 't hear anymore about the heat . She sent Ramon to town for some box fans . The car port was up in 3 days . The top was white but the posts and metal frame were just a red primer , it would just have to wait until later . The new compressor was a screw type and it could handle the whole shop and sanding operation with plenty to spare . With DJ being outside we would have room for a paint drying room . Mono moved most of his people outside also which gave us more space . Maris built 4 more paint cradles for hulls . The gel coat that we used was catalyzed , and dried hard in a couple of hours . I rented a small building and moved one of the old compressors to it . We put the whole flat panel operation for the cat houses in it along with four people . The panels would still need to be painted at our shop , but it would be doable . They would build them , roll the epoxy on them , and sand them . Well Tina was right , Anita told them to do it and Bam , it happened . Anita and I decided that she could only sell 20 boats a month until we were completely caught up . We would see what our monthly output , without killing the employees was , and go from there . I did convince Anita to look for some repair work and engine rebuilds . I also told her I had made a lot of money buying old boats and rebuilding them . She had been around enough rebuilds , to know if it was worth it , so I didn 't worry a lot about her buying something that wouldn 't make money . Things sorted themselves out , and the remainder of the year went nice and smooth . Then in January , Anita started telling Tina that she needed to get her taxes done . I didn 't understand what her hurry was , because I knew she was going to owe a bunch . Mine never did bother me a lot . I just did whatever the Tax Attorney told me to , and went on about my business . Well it seems that Anita photocopied all her tax records , included a 8 X 10 photo and mailed a copy to almost every ranking officer in the Coast Guard , explaining that this is the woman that Lt . Meyers considered a " Stupid Meskin ' Bitch " and asked how much a Lieutenant in the Coast Guard made . I think she got several replies and a few proposals . Lt . Meyers got transferred to some place in Maryland because about half of the Coast Guard around here including the officers are Hispanic and they damn sure didn 't like him . I thought it was great but , back to work . Leroy 's health is going down hill in a hurry . Tina hired a nurse to stay with him , but the doctor said there is not just a single problem , and told me of 4 or 5 things wrong with him . I spend most evenings talking to him and he seems to have accepted that he has a short time . He has always been of the opinion that it was his company and he ran it the way he wanted it . He has made me promise that if I ever lost complete control of it to take what I could , and go far away , and start over . He told me that it was what he had done , and that he was never sorry for doing it . When I asked what he meant , he told me he had been married and lost his company , wife , and a daughter in a divorce . He had to give her half the company , he took what he could , loaded a trailer , and left . I said what happened to your half of the company and he said his lawyer had traded it to his ex - wife for the equipment , truck , trailer , and his child support . She never knew that he had a bundle of cash locked in his toolbox . He then told me to never tell anyone how much money I had , and always have enough cash to move on . He gave me a key to what I had been told was the gun locker on the big boat , and told me he had moved all his personal papers and insurance papers to the boat . After that soaked in for a minute , I said " You mean there are no guns in the locker ? " " There are plenty , and you might start learning to use them , because the whole world seems to be coming apart . Start looking around the shop , and think about where everything is , and what you would need to take if you had to run . Start drawing cash in amounts less than $ 10K , and build you up a nest egg . You cannot count on anyone but yourself . What would you do if the banks closed and you couldn 't get your money ? I think the time is coming Levy , and I want you to start moving your money , and thinking about what you need to survive . I wondered , for a few days , about what Leroy had told me . At first I thought he might be watching too many prepper shows on TV . I started thinking back on what mom had told me , about doing whatever Leroy told me , and I would always come out ahead . I might have gone overboard just a little , the boat now had extra blankets , extra clothes , about a hundred cans of food , and money , lots of money . The first time I went to the bank to get cash , the bank president came out to talk to me while I was standing in line . When we got to the window , I told the girl I wanted $ 9K in hundred dollar bills . The banker asked if I had a big date coming up . I told him that Leroy had suggested having a little emergency cash around . He asked me to come with him to his office . He told me he had known Leroy for a lot of years , and knew that he liked to keep cash around . Then he asked me if I went to Mexico to buy a boat , say a small fishing village , would I have to take the cash with me to buy the boat ? I 'm sure they wouldn 't have a bank that could connect with this one . Did I know I could draw a large amount of cash for that purpose from the business account ? When I left the bank I had $ 75K to buy that boat with , and the banker had a signed letter stating why I needed such a large amount of cash . I needed to buy a few more boats in the next few months . I was in the office , when Anita asked Tina if she could borrow her minivan . I said " Damn , Anita have you worn out that car already ? " " No stupid , I need to go to the border , and pick up some people that I sold a Cat to . Believe it or not , they are going to drive it home . They 're from La Pesca , about 150 miles down the coast . Somebody brought them to the border , and dropped them at the bridge . " " Yeah , well you better stop at Walmart , and get about six 5 gallon gas cans , or they ain 't gonna drive it home . And get them some food and water while you 're at Walmart , and some of those raincoats in the little zip lock bags . This don 't sound like a very good idea to me . " " Levy we 'll talk about it when I get back . I can 't just leave them waiting at the Customs Office . " " OK , but you do what I 'm telling you , and stop at Walmart . I was helping in final assembly when I heard , " Are you Levy ? " Whoa , double back flip , blind stagger , run into the wall , catch my breath . My god this girl is beautiful . " Are you Levy ? " I shook my head yes and she said " Anita needs you to come to her office . " So I followed her . Daaaammmmnnn where did this girl come from ? We reached the office , and I almost ran over a man setting in a chair . Anita said " Levy this is Carlos , and Victor Rodriquez and Victors daughter Selena , they are from La Pesca . They are buying a Cat today and plan to buy another one in about 3 months . I told them that if they bought both of them at the same time we would throw in a radar unit for each , but they cannot do both today . Can we still let them have the radar units ? " I shook my head yes and she said , " Yeah , I thought so . Thanks Levy that 's all I needed to know . Thank You Levy , that 's all . Levy , Levy I said thank you that 's all I need . " By then all of them were laughing , and Victor said " I know who to send next time , maybe we can get an extra pair of motors . " Anita said " I don 't doubt it . Levy go get a radar and the upgrade fish finder rigged out and take Selena with you , so she can pick the graphics . " Selena helped me install the radar and fish finder . The wiring harness is made to accept everything we offer on the boats . I also installed a T top over the console and mounted the radar on top . I told Selena that a 150 mile trip was stretching it a bit , and she told me they were out fishing for days at a time and 150 miles was not really that far . They were hoping to cut a lot of expense by going to the 20hp motors . The boat they had was equipped with some monster engine from some other boat and was eating them up on fuel costs . We got the boat finished and I was showing Selena around the shop , when Anita found us and told us to wash up we were going to the café . I spent my time talking to Selena and Anita talked to the brothers about boats , fishing , and American tourists in their small village . The Spanish was going a little fast for me Things were back to normal for a few weeks then the nurse called Tina , and told her she was calling an ambulance to take Leroy to the hospital . We got a girl from DJ to answer the phone and Tina and I followed the ambulance . Leroy died two days later . Whoever said life is a bitch just didn 't know the half of it . I thought for sure I was going to lose my mind . The funeral was Thursday and I closed the shop until Monday and really didn 't want to open it then . I spent most of the day setting at the coffee table trying to think of a million things at once when Maris came in and told me I was going to have to get up and help them a little bit as we were way behind . I started un - boxing engines and test running them and hanging them on stands that had wheels . I guess I would have just kept on doing it , but I ran out of stands . Anita had on work clothes the next morning and we started working like crazy people putting boats together . She spent the rest of the week with me , and told me she had to go to Mobile , Alabama , and would be back in about a week . It took a couple of weeks but I did get my head out of my ass and got going again . Leroy 's Lawyer came by , and we went out to the boat and got all his papers , and went through them . We found where his ex - wife had got re - married and another article where her new husband was now the manager of his old company . There was also a much later paper clipping that had an ad for them going out of business . There were a few pictures of the employees at Taylor Marine , Tina was very pretty when she was young . I signed a few papers and the lawyer took the insurance policy and told me I would get a check before long . After he left , I did look through the gun locker , and found several automatic rifles , pistols , and several cases of ammunition . I guess it is time to learn to use them . Vera had a , yep you guessed it , cousin that was an ex - marine . He was going to teach me all about them . After only 10 lessons he said I might survive but he had his doubts . I told him I hit 7 out of 10 and he just said Yeah that only left 3 of them to kill you . When I got home from target practice there was a car parked in my parking place . A woman of about 50 got out and said " Are you Levon Wilson ? " " Yep that 's me , what can I do for you ? " She said " My name is Kathleen Taylor , and I have come to check on my fathers ' property . " I asked why she didn 't come a year ago and she didn 't answer . I said " I believe that it is because you knew Leroy would have told you to get your ass out of here . Leroy does not have any property , it is mine and you need to get off of it before I have you arrested . " Yeah Buddy ! That took care of it . A week later I was in my lawyer 's office , with a letter from her lawyer . I was telling my lawyer that it was my property and he said yes it is but we can 't stop her from suing us . I don 't think we will have any problem showing that the property is yours . Well when you put small town lawyers up against Big City lawyers things go to shit in a hurry . They wanted the checking accounts frozen to protect her money . My lawyer pointed out that the money in the checking account was made by me , after Leroy had sold the company to me . And if indeed she did have any money coming it was from her father , not me . Her lawyers found some small problems with the sales contract between Leroy and me . Hell they found problems with everything and everybody in the whole damn company . The judge said he would give us his ruling the next morning . I was pissed off at everybody in the courtroom . The next morning the Judge said he was leaning in favor of a split on the property , and asked my lawyer if he had anything else to add . He was shaking his head no , so I spoke up and said I had a few questions I would like to ask before he made his decision , and he told me to go ahead . I asked if I had to continue working at the company ? No I did not . Could I take the employees with me if I left ? They could work anywhere they wanted . Did Miss Taylor have the funds to operate the business ? Not relevant . Was she going to work there and help us earn money or was she just going home and wait for us to mail her a check for doing nothing ? Miss Taylor do you have a problem taking an active role in the business ? No your Honor I would be happy to work there . Since we already have management set up and it is working well do I have to give her a management position ? No , any job within her qualifications will be fine and wages to be in line with the job . Thank you your , Honor that is all the questions I have . It is the decision of this court that all money made prior to today 's date shall remain the property of Levon Wilson , That 25 % of Taylor Marine be awarded to Kathleen Taylor providing that she is actively employed by Taylor Marine . 75 % of Taylor Marine shall remain the property of Levon Wilson . The management of Taylor Marine , Well , nobody was happy . I was pissed at everybody . She was pissed at the judge . Her lawyers were pissed at the judge , and my lawyer was trying to get gone . Well fine " Miss Taylor , I will need your half of the money to run the company . " Her lawyer sai " Only 25 % . " I said " Fine , we need to keep a $ 300K balance to make payroll and pay bills . " Her lawyer said " Only the future bills , anything prior to today , is yours . " I 'm thinking this is going to be a mess . I said " Fine , I 'm going to the bank and move the money , I will leave $ 225K in the account . I have no problem giving you a few days to get yours moved . " I went straight to the bank and got the accounts changed , so they would not draw money from the savings account , when the checking got low . The banker closed the old savings , and opened a new one , that way there would be no mistake . I went to the shop and found Vera . I told him I wanted a complete set of templates for every part of the Cat 28 . I wanted them coated with epoxy paint and the part number on them . I want them perfect with all the latest changes . When they are done wrap them in plastic wrap and load them on the big boat . I need them within a week . Work overtime or whatever you have to do . I started gathering up some things , I told Maris I wanted six motors left in the shipping boxes and loaded on the big boat . I gathered all the fittings for 3 boats , boxed them up and put them on the boat . I asked Tina where Anita was , and she said that , " She and Ramon had taken a load of boats to Tennessee , and should be in tonight . " " OK , could you call a real estate agent for me ? I want to rent out Leroy 's apartment . I also need a large storage building to hold everything in both apartments put between the apartment and the fence . I 'll pay for it out of my checking account . Things are going to change and I will let all of you know what is going on as soon as we can all be here together . " When I locked up and walked to the apartment , Kathleen Taylor was there . I asked her what she wanted , and she said the keys to my father 's apartment . I was quick in letting her know that it was not her father 's apartment . It is mine and I have the title to it in my name . If you want to rent it we will talk to an agent and sign a contract on it . The next morning I got Anita , Tina , Maris , Mono , Vera , and DJ together and told them that I had lost 25 % of the company to Leroy 's daughter Kathleen Taylor . Everyone started saying " That 's not bad , 25 % is not the end of the world " and things like that . I said " Well , one thing is for absolute fact . I do own 75 % , and I 'm leaving , so I 'm going to divide it up among you six . The lawyer will have the papers drawn up by tomorrow . There is no way you can change my mind , nor any way you can convince me to change the way I am doing this . If , when you retire , or anytime you want to . You can sell your share . You must let the others have first option to jointly buy you out . DJ you now own 10 % of the company , Maris you own 10 % , Tina 10 % , Mono 10 % , Vera 10 % , Anita you sold over 7 million dollars worth of boats last year . You are now the President and manager of Taylor Marine , and you own 25 % of the company . I know that you can make it work . You were always the smartest one of us , and you know more about getting people to work for you than anyone has a right to know . I cannot and won 't even try to work with Kathleen Taylor because of things that Leroy told me , and I am not going to tell you what those things are . I am leaving and starting over in a new place . I am not trying to hide from you and as soon as I find that place I will let all of you know where I am . I am leaving $ 500K with Anita , to make sure you don 't run short of money . If for any reason you run short , or maybe Kathleen will want to sell , go see the bank president . I am leaving instructions with him on how to handle it . It will be a loan , not a gift . I need to talk to Anita for a few minutes . " " Anita , I need to tell you what all happened in court , so Kathleen doesn 't try to pull any shit on you . " I told her and then added that " Whatever qualifications Kathleen said she had , she needed to check them . As I see it if she has no experience you can make her start at the bottom . Cleaning the shit house . All you have to do is let her work here . " I talked with the real estate lady and told her to rent the one apartment . I was leaving mine for Anita . I got the storage building moved in and put all of Leroy 's stuff in it . I knew I would have to go through it some day but I was not going to do it now . I moved all my clothes and personal items to the boat and gave the apartment keys to Anita . Vera told me that " Anita and Kathleen had a hell of a fight . Kathleen thought she would get her own office , and Anita told her she had one for her , in the shit house . She could either get her ass to work or get the hell out , and if she said Levon one more time she was going to run her ass through that band saw and throw the pieces to the sharks . " I decided to go to Belize . They had more boats there than you could count , and almost that many islands . I had almost everything ready when Anita told me I needed to deliver a boat to La Pesca on the way . We had to do some serious re - arranging to get it loaded . It was very hard to say goodbye and I almost backed out a dozen times , but I was on my way to where ever I might wind up . It took all day long to get to La Pesca , and I had plenty of time to think . I had Leroy 's stash of money , as well as mine . I had almost 4 . 5 million in the bank at Port Isabel and around 3 . 5 million in cash hid in the boat . If the boat was searched they were never going to find it . The only one , besides me , who knew where it was , is Maris . He and Leroy built a hideout into the boat way back when they were building the hulls . It might go down with the boat , but no one was going to stumble on to it . I was not sure where I stood on the weapons in the locker . I am a licensed Captain doing business in a foreign port . Maybe I can bullshit my way through . I don 't plan on staying long but you just never know what will happen . The village of La Pesca is not right on the coast , but up a river about half a mile . Finding the right place was not a problem , the little Cat 28 looked good setting at the dock . Selena and another girl were loading something on it and they looked good setting at the dock also . Selena tied the lines for me and leaned a ladder against the boat as the dock was a bit low for the big boat . I could tell she was crying , and started wondering why my life was so much more difficult than everyone else 's . She told me that Carlos was dead , and her father had been shot , and was unconscious . They had found a boat drifting and tied on to it to pull it in . Drug dealers had shown up and shot both of them and took the drug boat . Victor had made it home but the local doctor could not remove the bullet . The other girl was a neighbor who was a USA citizen . She had moved to Mexico , to live with relatives , after her mother died and her father was sent to prison . Both girls were going to make a run for it in the Cat and head to the USA . She wanted me to buy the new boat back and follow them so they could make it . Holy shit what am I going to do ? I told them I was moving to Belize , to open a new boat shop , and was just delivering the boat . The other girl , Leta , asked if they could go with me . She said they needed to get gone right now . Oh shit , this is not good . I told them to move everything onto the big boat and we would tow the Cat . I asked " Whose fuel tank is that ? " Selena said " It belonged to her father and uncle . " I asked if it was " Gasoline or diesel ? " " It 's diesel , the gasoline is in the small tank . " " Are those drums empty ? " " Yep , they belong to the fuel company in Tampico , it is how they bring fuel . " " Are they clean ? " " Yep , the fuel has never been a problem . " We loaded them on the boat and used the hose on the tank to fill them . With 6 drums almost full , and the boat tanks full , we can definitely get somewhere now . I showed them where to put their stuff , and by then the neighbors were all gathered round . The Doctor came out andChapter 2 »

I 've been thinking about this for a while , people ask all the time how Zach and I met and I love to tell the story , but what happens when I start to forget the detail and I get too busy with kids to write it down …… so I 'm going to write it now . I 'll be in sections , but I want it to be one post , so I 'll re - post it when it gets updated . I will try to make it easy for you to find the new part , if you want to read the whole thing . 🙂 I 'm even hoping I can get Zach to join in and put his side in here and there . Here it goes . September 1999 : I just started my freshman year of college , as was working part time at Orchard Valley Learning Center . I had my own classroom of four year olds every other afternoon I was there . I loved the kids and they loved me . Then one day , I was told to go somewhere else . No big deal , that happened from time to time , but then it happened again . I was pretty upset because I didn 't even get a chance to say bye to my kids . It just happened . So I went and talked to my boss . She said , she was putting this new guy in my room for good , because he was there everyday and I 'd just have to get over it . I left her office and went to the playground where all the four - year - olds were , tears streaming down my face . I couldn 't figure out why this 23 year old guy can just come in a take over the world I 'd spend years making and why the heck was he at a daycare center anyway ? Via rumors , Zach knew who I was and what was going on , but we never really spoke . I put my two weeks in shortly after and went to work as an office manager for a small insurance brokerage . September 2000 : I was extremely depressed . I 'd quit my job at Orchard Valley Learning Center almost a year before and working in an office with just four old men just wasn 't the same . I 'd had a few failed relationships over that year and needed something to occupy my head , so one day I had the grand idea to go back to the daycare center . It was kinda spur of the moment , I was just driving home from school and stopped in . I ran into an old co - worker in the parking lot , who was going to be the director of the new building that was opening in six months . She wanted me there , so she walked me into the office and told the director to hire me for now and that she would take me next door when they opened that building . Kelley asked me how much I was being paid when I left , I made something up and she said I could start on Monday . It was almost surreal . I made the decision to stay at the insurance office in the morning , go to school in the middle of the day and spend my afternoons at the daycare center and the first day I wasn 't sad … . . the kids are so loving . I was put into a room with this older lady , Donna , turned out she ran the office in the late evening . That evening when I went up to talk to her , Zach passed by and she made a point to tell Zach I was the girl she 'd told him about and he wanted to know if I remembered him . At first I didn 't , but when I did I told him I still didn 't forgive him for taking my room . Somehow , in the last year , Zach had become a favorite at the center . He had his own room of school aged children and everyone did whatever he wanted . He got off at 5 ( I got off at 6 ) and he would sit at the front desk and get information about me from Donna . He even got Donna to put me in his room a few times . On other days he would come sit in whatever room I was in and keep me company until closing . November 15 , 2000 : Then , on November 15 , he walked into my room and said he was just stopping by to say Happy Birthday . I had been in a pretty bad mood , as it was my birthday and still no one had said Happy Birthday , but he was able to get me laughing a talking . We discussed the work Christmas party that was coming up . He was going and really wanted me to go , but I told him , " I don 't do those things . " Plus , I was just turning 20 and the Christmas party was at a bar that I 'd be kicked out of at 10 . Seemed stupid to me . Finally I told him I 'd think about going to the Christmas party , but I had a babysitting job that was tentative , if that fell through , then I 'd go to the party . Friday December 1 , 2000 : On the day of the party , I wasn 't needed to babysit , so I walked into work and told Zach I 'd be going to the party and he responded , " Well , that 's great , because I 'm not . " Really wasn 't what I wanted to hear , but it turned out his car wasn 't working and Kelley , our boss , wouldn 't let him off to get it fixed , even though he wasn 't really needed and she knew he needed his car for his second job of delivering pizzas . I was finally able to convince him that I was a good driver and had a reliable car and would be happy to drive him around that night . So , on December 1 , 2000 , we went to the work Christmas party together at Patrick 's . After dinner , we snuck out and went next door to the laundry mat and just talked . I had to get out of the bar because it was so smoky … . I couldn 't handle it . When we went back , it was after ten and the lady didn 't want to let us in . Unfortunately , I 'd left my purse inside . Finally , she let us in , not believing Zach 's ID to get my purse and leave . We ran into Donna and her boyfriend and they wanted us to go down to the parade of lights with them . We decided that would be okay and piled into their car . It was cold and we had a blanket on top of us . Zach put his hand on my leg … . . I almost died . We parked right next to the Denver Public Library and I was thrilled . I 'd never seen the new one and it was beautiful and all the books were lit up . I was so excited about it . I 'm sure Zach was rolling his eyes . As we walked around the floats , Zach tried to put his arm around me . I didn 't make that easy . He was moving too fast and too close . I mean out of all the boys I 'd ever dated none of them had actually touched me besides a hug or two . Russ had pushed my limits , but we hadn 't even been together and here was another boy trying to do the same thing . I was very conflicted about it . We went to get hot chocolate and I fell asleep in Zach 's lap , I was so tired . And yet we ended up talking for hours in my car at his apartment . Somehow over the course of the night , we decided to we 'd go see " How the Grench Stole Christmas " at the theater the next night . Saturday December 2 , 2000 : So , the next night I picked him up ( remember , I have reliable , brand new car , his is broken and older ) we went to the movies … . I don 't remember much about the movie , but I do believe we drove all the way to Highlands Ranch . After the movie we headed to an elementary school near my house . We played on the playground and swang on the swings in the dark , then we sat in my car and talk . We talked about almost everything as I suppose most people do on their first dates . At one point , we 'd gotten silent , and I asked … . Sunday December 3 , 2000 : I had to drive clear across town to eat Indian food with some of my classmates from nutrition . They were both boys and lived in Westminster , so it made sense for me to drive that way . Zach and I had been talking about it at work , long before our first " dates " and he didn 't feel comfortable with me driving all the way up there to eat with two guys I didn 't really know . I couldn 't really argue with him on that one and we 'd decided that he could come along . When I picked him up , I could tell something was wrong . He was very short with his responses . He told me it was because of his brother 's mom and I believed him . I chattered as we drove 45 minutes across town about how we 'd have to go to the mall afterwards and get Dippin ' Dots , because I love them and you can 't buy them too many places . Dinner was uneventful , but we learned Zach doesn 't like Indian food . Only one of my classmates showed up and it was good Zach was there or would have felt a little like a date . Afterwards we headed over to the mall and got Dippin ' Dots . I remember I was wearing these very noisy gray pants and a tealish button down shirt . Haha … . . oh , did I tell you what I was wearing on the night of the Christmas party ? Crystal 's Silver Tab jeans and my blue boat neck shirt and as a jacket when it got cold … . my purple and gray reversible jacket . Oh , and my birthday earlier that year … . . that was my blue flower skirt that I was sure I looked great in … . . we 'll have to ask Zach if he remembers . We must have had a good night , or I should say Zach must have had fun with me , because according to him , when I said I wouldn 't kiss him , he was done with me . As he says , " I didn 't need another friend . " But after Indian food and dinner we continued our relationship . For months no one at work knew we were " together . " Part of this was due to the fact that we weren 't really together and the other part was due to the fact that we didn 't want it to be a huge deal . Zach was at the age of wanting to go out and drink and party with his friends . I hadn 't gotten there yet , and was still underage . Therefore , for the first six months or so , we were only a weekday thing , as my father would say . Thurs , Fri , and Saturdays were for partying and Sunday was for football . I fit on Mon , Tue or Wed when the second job didn 't conflict . Funny thing . Zach was not a Christian when we started dating . I was not on a mission to save him , I was just trying to fix myself and get over some stupid guys . I didn 't figure we 'd stay together for long . In fact , one time my dad and I were having an argument about me dating a guy who was not a Christian , and I remember yelling at him : " I know what I 'm doing . We are just dating . It 's not like we are getting married ! " A while later , I went to break up with him because I was getting too involved and didn 't want to be hurt and I couldn 't stay with a non - Christian . A crying fit ensued . " This is so stupid . You don 't break up with someone because you like them . " March , 2001 : I finally give in and kiss Zach . My first kiss ever . I can 't go into much details , because frankly , I was so fricken nervous I don 't remember really anything . Oops ! Not really the romanticy thing , is it ? At some point during this year , Zach 's friend Josh shows up on his doorstep , drunk and pissed off . This is my first interaction with any of Zach 's friends , and not at all the way he wanted me to meet him . I enjoyed Josh and hearing about the drama going on over at his house that he was escaping . And to tell you the truth , I was so naive that I wouldn 't have even known he was drunk had I not been told . One of the worst and best thing about this period was not knowning anything … . and feeling stupid … . but Zach and his friends being so patient and understanding . August , 2001 : Zach goes on a roadtrip with his brother and dad . I stay at his apartment to take care of the bird . He had this funny bed made of foam . It was perfectly shaped to his body and very comfy . We still haven 't said that we love each other , but we really " missed " each other a lot . September , 2001 : Shortly after Zach got back from Oregon … . September 11 happened … . I think it was on that day that I realized I couldn 't live without Zach . I stressed all day because he was downtown . That day made most of us figure out what was important … . Zach was on that list of people I wanted with me at all times . I knew I loved him , but I still think it was another month before I told him . November 15 , 2001 : I finally turn 21 , but am so sick , I stay home and celebrate in my PJ 's . A few weeks later we go out for drinks , but I don 't remember what and where or the circumstances . Oh well . Zach and I had grown over the year . We were closer , further from our friends . We continually discuss God . I 'm convince Zach will be happier with life , if he 'd just give his life to Jesus , but he just wanted to agrue with me . At one point , I told him . I can 't prove God exists for you , it 's something you know and feel . This was one of my best agrument to Zach , and I could tell he was close …… and then Mark died . February , 2002 : Mark was one of Zach 's good friends . I never met Mark , but I hear he was a wonderful guy . He was full of life , this I know from the videos . Mark died of cancer , I believe . I remember the day he died . Zach called and told me , but I was at work and okay , but shaken . My boss was kind enough to let me go and I headed over to Zach 's work … . he wasn 't there … . so I went to his friend 's house … . he was there , but I knew it wasn 't my place … . this was time he needed with his friends who knew Mark . Not me . I sat in the car and prayed for Zach and his friends . I was scared for what this would mean to our relationship and concerned for how it would effect everyone . Soon enough Zach was questioning me again . " If there is a God why would he take such and good guy like Mark ? Why not someone bad like me ? " How do you answer these questions , especially for someone who is tetering on the edge ? Mark did . He knew he was dying . In fact , he had just moved back to Colorado from New York to be with his family . He was here two weeks . The night before he died , he proposed . He knew he was going to die , but he had to get things in order . He wrote a poem before he died , asking his friends not to let his life be vain . It was a very touching poem , I might have to go find it . Somehow , this and some one - on - one time with God is what did it for Zach . Meanwhile , I was yelling at God … . how could he do this when Zach was so close to seeing his love ? Of course , God 's plan never matches our own … it just doesn 't … his plan is much bigger than we can imagine . Fastforward … . December 17 , 2003 : Zach proposes . We 've been together for just over three years . I was in a miserable mood . Nothing could make me happy . I was laying on his bed and about to go home , when he was like , hold on … . ran out to the other room . When he came back he sat on the floor and rubbed my back … . I sat up to leave and he said , " Jenn … " " Oh , great . They are dirty . " By this point I kinda know what 's going on and I 'm scared . I don 't know why . I clean my glasses and put them back on . Then I was happy . I remember we had to tell my parents , but I don 't know how we did it . I know Zach had taken my parents out to lunch a few weeks earlier and asked for permission . And I believe there was a promise to my mom that Zach would finish school . We set the date : April 17 , 2004 , which gave us four months to plan . We didn 't really start the planning process until after the first of the year . And then we had to find a place … . I wanted to get married outside … . we looked a ton of places and I had finally settled on one and we discussed it will my parents … . and of course , they were upset with the cost and I freaked out and life was miserable . It was around this time that we decided we wouldn 't splurge , but we weren 't going to have regrets … . we were only getting married once , so it was worth it . We thought of getting married on Pikes Peak with a small gathering , but the cog doesn 't start running until April , so it might not be working on the day we wanted . I 'd decided against the other place and we were looking at State Parks . We went to Castlewood Canyon , a place we 've always liked . And we wandering around seeing if there were any places , we ended up going off the trail and came to the nice little clearing with benchs and everything . It was perfect . So we walked back up the trail and realized we were at Pike Peak Ampitheater … . in Castlewood Canyon . Even more perfect . It was over looking one of the places we 'd wanted to get married and when I was growing up , I 'd always wanted to get married in a Castle … . . so it fit . Now for the reception … . . we started looking at hotels … . . I only remember two and I 'm so glad we went with the Inverness … . . it was so much more elegant than the other place would have been . I suppose it starts a few days before the wedding . I don 't remember exactly what day she flew in , but Zach 's Grandma Dorothy came over to my parents house for dinner because Ron was working late , like always . Dad made his famous steak , corn and potatoes dinner . It was delicious . While we ate , Dad was telling stories and Grandma got to laughing and swallowed her steak , which , of course , got stuck in her throut . I immediately jumped up and gave her the hymlect remover and out popped the steak . I guess all those first aid / CPR classes came in handy . Grandma immediately gave Dad a stern talking to for making an " old woman laugh while eating . " And we all returned to the happiness that was . We planned the wedding in four months . I only took the Friday before the wedding off . Crazy , I know , but it worked . I 'm surrounded by amazing people who work to make things come together . Zach had a great , snowy Bachelor Party up gambling in the mountains . Put six drunk guys in a limo on a mountain in the middle of a snowstorm and you have the makings of a great comedy show . The party ended up being a bit longer than it was suppose to and I was worried because I knew they were going to the mountains and he hadn 't called me . So in the wee hours of the morning , when I couldn 't take it any longer , I decided to drive over to his apartment and see if maybe he 'd just been so tired when he got home that he forgot to call me . No sooner then I pulled the car out of the garage and he called to say he was just getting home and that he was safe . I still went over and he , in his still drunken state , told me the whole story , even some parts that when he woke up he had forgotten . My Bachelorette Party … well , we won 't go into that except to say that I was home , well back at Zach 's apartment , less than two hours after I had left sobbing . It took him forever to calm me down and we finally decided that we would go out with his friends for a pretend Bachelorette party for me . So we did , the Thursday before the wedding Zach 's friends and girlfriends took me out to play pool . We had a wonderful evening that I 'll cherish forever . I got nervous on Friday . I was sick all day . There was so much left to do and I could hardly function . My sister was my Maid - of - Honor and my best friend Susie was the Maid - of - Honor II . We along with my mom , went and got our nails done , but all day I felt as if I was going to throw - up . Thankfully I never did . I managed to get ready for the rehearsal dinner and learned that chewing gum helped calm my stomach . We had the rehearsal dinner at a friends club house and she made us delightful food . Her father is also the one who performed the ceremony and was like a second father to me in my late teens . We had two surprise guest at the wedding . They were invited , but hadn 't responded because they didn 't think they would be in town . Russ , Zach 's friend , just happened to be in town from Chicago the week before and the week after the wedding . He played pool with us and that was the first time I met him . I insisted he come to the wedding and he ended up taking the place of another one of Zach 's friends who had RSVPed , but had to leave town on business . The second friend was my friend Beth from Green Bay . She is the niece of the man who married us and we just have a connection . She was able to get a last minute flight and wanted to surprise me . The day of the wedding . I went and got my hair done . I came home to my friends ( Susie , who was in the wedding ; Jess , who cooked the rehearsal dinner and was doing my make - up ; and Beth , Jess 's cousin and my friend from Green Bay ) fixing up lunch and getting ready . I was forced to eat . We laughed and talked . It wasn 't stressful at all . The weather was holding up . You see . It was the middle of April in Colorado . It had been a very snowy month . It had snowed the two previous weekends and it had even snowed on Wednesday and we were getting married outside . As we were leaving the house I got a call on my cell phone asking me if we were still having the wedding outside . " Why , yes . Yes , we are . " See I 'd included my cell phone with all the invitation in case of that crazy snow storm , but we figured as long as it wasn 't wet outside , we 'd be fine . Sure the wind was blowing at 25 MPH speeds , but why would that make us move inside ? The sun was shining and the temperature was 78 degrees . There was no question in my mind . The limo picked us up and we headed to the site . We arrived on time , but commotion was to be had . I couldn 't get out of the limo because Zach was up at the parking lot . We finally got him down , but then my Great Aunt June was in the bathroom , which was at the parking lot . The wedding site was about a quarter of a mile down a dirt trail . Aunt June had a walker and so we slowly followed behind her down the trail . My veil flew off at one point and I yelled to my sister , " Go get it ! " As there was no way I , in my big dress could run after the veil through the weeds and bushes , even if I was wearing tennis shoes . She started to slowly walk , thankfully it caught on some bushes and just waited for her . From that point on , I kept a good hold on it . What can you say about your own ceremony ? It was the best ever , even if I can 't remember half of what was said . We have it all on tape … . and all you hear it wind . 😦 But for me it was perfect . Everyone 's hair was falling down . We didn 't get group photos because of the wind . People forgot to say Hi as they went through the reception line . But I love it ! It put a smile on my face then and a smile now . What wonderful memories ! And no one will ever forget the wedding in the wind . Our reception was at a very nice hotel . It 's on a golf course and the room , or shall I say two rooms , we were in , had glass windows that overlooked the golf course and pond . It was so beautiful at sunset . The food was amazing … . I still want that Strawberry - Papaya Soup . We had just barely enough room . Dad finally agreed to dance with me , just minutes before Zach and Sue 's Mother - Son dance , so we combined them into one . I danced with my Grandpa 's . We did the hokey pokey and at the end of the night I still wanted to hang out . I still get grief for this to this day , but hey , that 's me . I like people . And let 's face it . As much as I love Zach , the thought of being alone with him that night was a bit on the scary side , if you know what I mean . Finally , our friends insisted we go to bed and we headed off into that uncharted world . I 'll try to spare you the details , but I do have the most amazing husband in the world . He is so sweet and kind and patient in everything . That " first time " took several loving tries over days . I felt the eyes of the world staring at me . It 's such an awkward time . The day after the wedding was present opening at Mom and Dad 's . We only invited family and I think it 's got to be one of the most boring things to be apart of . We spent that night again at the hotel , then one night at the apartment ( that we were sharing with Zach 's dad ) and then jetting off to our honeymoon in Cancun . I will finish the honeymoon section and Zach is working on his version of our story , which I 'm going to find a way to combine into this one . And maybe someday I 'll add some photos … but then again maybe not . Share this : TwitterFacebookLike this : Like Loading . . . 19 thoughts on " My Love Story " funmonkeyz on October 18 , 2007 at 1 : 49 pm said : I enjoyed your story . I will look forward to the ending . It 's nice to find a wonderful man . I have been married to my best friend and wonderful kind - hearted husband for almost 20 years . I still flirt with him to this day and we pass little love notes to each other . Ah , a true love story . It 's a love story that 's , well , true . Keep on writing . I believe it 's gonna be a long one 🙂 Would be great to read from both sides so I 'm waiting 🙂

I jumped when I heard Ma speaking behind me , but was glad we were going to talk as a family . When I turned around to face her , she simply smiled at me . I didn 't understand at that time , what the smile was all about . I soon found out , though . We hurried with the dishes and Marie and Les helped us put them away . Grandda went into the bedroom to check on Grandma , then went into the living room to give us some privacy . Soon we were seated around the table and we had lots of questions , but Ma quickly put her index finger on her lips and we quieted down . " Children , I know the past few months have been very hard for you . They have been for me , too . But , I believe they are going to get better . I have already discussed this briefly with your grandfather , and he agrees with my decision . The bank has been very lenient with me in trying to keep my mortgage on the home from foreclosure , but without the money your Da was making , I just couldn 't make the payments , so the house is gone . " We sat there for a minute or so in shocked silence , trying to take in what it all meant . We had lost our home ! All our friends were now in the past . Now what ? Rosie was the first to react , and it was kind of like Mt . Vesuvius in Italy . A slow burn , then an eruption of emotion . " What do you mean ? Gone ? Why ? Couldn 't you borrow some money to keep it ? All my friends ! Janet , Laura , Alice ! I 'll never see them again ? My life is over ! Wait , what about Mr . Hopkins , couldn 't you marry him and we could stay there ? " " Now , just sit down , Rose ! Your life is not over ! Far from it . Mr . Hopkins is out of the picture . After you and Zeb left , I discovered his true colors . He was not what I thought him to be . In his own way , he was as harsh as your father had been . I did not need another such in my life . William was also deceptive . He had claimed to hire someone to look for Marie and Les , and had not done so . I found that out quite by accident . " " We 're already there , " she replied . " I 've spoken to your grandfather , and he has welcomed us into his home . You all need a man in your lives , and you might wait forever for me to find a man worthier than he is to look up to . I could tell the moment I saw him that he is no longer the man he was . " We sat there in shock . We were happy to not have to have Mr . Hopkins as a father , but the rest of it was going to take a little adjustment . We weren 't going back to the northeast . I was going to miss Sgt . Finley and talking to him . My world was kind of all topsy - turvy right then . ( To be continued ) Posted by Grandda came in holding Les by the hand and telling him about growing up on this same farm . Wow ! What a change in Grandda , just in this short amount of time . It warmed my heart to see the difference and the way he was growing as a believer . Ma was bringing in Marie , still talking to her , and Marie was walking quietly by Ma 's side . It seemed the family was finding it 's way back together . These days it would be called a dysfunctional family , I suppose , but I know it was because Ma was a widow trying to deal with all the complexities of keeping us together . We had yet to hear all the news from back in our town . I was anxious to know the answers to so many questions . Les , and Grandda headed in to wash their hands , and so did Ma and Marie . As soon as Ma came back with Marie , I asked a question that had been burning in my mind . " Ma , what about Mr . Hopkins ? You haven 't mentioned him since you came in . What is going on with him ? " " Please , son , I 've barely had time to do think since I 've been here . We 'll discuss Mr . Hopkins later . You don 't need to know everything at once . He is my business , after all . Right now , why don 't we just think about eating this good lunch your sister has fixed for us . " She said this , smiling at Rosie , encouragingly . I looked at the potatoes and saw they had been slightly scorched , and the green beans were undercooked , but the cornbread looked okay , until it was cut into later , and I saw it was doughy in the middle . Ma looked at me , daring me to say anything negative . I just nodded my head , dreading the eating of the stuff . I knew how hard it is to do things in the beginning , when you had to do them alone . When Grandda came in with Les , Les was saying , " Tell me some more about growing up , Grandda . " Rosie was all flushed looking in the face when everyone sat down . I could understand her flustered feelings . Ma looked around and all the rest of us with a dare in her eyes . We believed her warning , and so after Grandda had asked the blessing , we bravely endured the food without criticism . When the meal was over , we each thanked Rosie for making it for us . Ma got up from the table and told us to clear it , and told me to help with the dishes , while she and Grandda went in to check on Grandma , who had been sleeping . Well , Ma had certainly taken over with a firm hand , it seemed , and I , for one , was happy she had . As Rosie and I did the dishes , she washing , and I , drying , I began voicing my questions to her . " What do you think is happening with Mr . Hopkins , Rosie ? She won 't talk with me about him yet . " " Yeah , but he 'd be living with us . Don 't that matter ? I don 't much care for him , either . I don 't really trust him . There is just something about him that is false , I just don 't know what , though . It just seems wrong . " We were so busy talking that we didn 't notice Ma coming up behind us . ( To be continued ) Posted by Wiping the slush from my shoes onto the door mat , I opened the kitchen door and went slowly in , trying to decide how to approach Rosie . I knew she would most likely be in a very foul mood , what with Ma 's recent " talk " with her , but I was wrong . Big tears were rolling down her face , and she reached up occasionally wiping them with the back of her hand . Although she was a head and a half taller than I , ( apparently she had inherited the O ' Halloran gene for height ) , I still put my hand up on her shoulder . Rosie jumped at my touch and then turned around . " Oh ! It 's you ! Why don 't you sneak up on a person , anyway ? " She fairly dripped with great sarcasm . " Are you afraid to approach head on ? " Hmmm . Ma 's talk with her didn 't seem to have changed Rosie 's disposition very much . " I guess we have you to thank for getting us stuck in this awful place ; away from all my friends at home . There is no fun here , only work , work , work ! " " Rosie , have you forgotten we came here to find Les and Marie ? Have you forgotten how happy they were to see us ? I would do it again in a second , without even thinking about what might happen . Wouldn 't you ? Come on , now , Rosie Posey ! " At hearing the nickname I gave her when I was only four , she began to grin a bit . " Well , maybe . . . " she replied , grudgingly giving over to a fuller smile . " Oh , go on . You know I would . It 's just that . . . that . . . " " I know , Rosie , it is a stinkin ' mess , but it 's gonna get better . I just know it is . Look , Ma 's here , so we 're all together , and that 's good , ain 't it ? " " Well , yeah , but , what about Christmas ? It 's just days away , and we 're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere . What about Christmas , and the presents ? How are we ever going to get presents for each other ? Marie and Les will be expecting Santa to bring them something . I haven 't seen any stores sprouting up out here around the farm , have you ? Ma doesn 't drive , so we can 't go in to town to shop . Now what ? " " Okay , you set the table . I 've got the meal about ready , as soon as I dish it up . " At least she wasn 't bawling her eyes out anymore . I sure was curious as to what she and Ma talked about , but figured I wouldn 't find out at that time . So I set the table and let my mind wander over the past couple of days . Pretty soon , everything was ready , and I went to the back door and stepped out onto the porch . I yelled , " Dinner 's ready ! " Say , that was fun , I thought . I couldn 't do that back home . Out here you could holler all you wanted to , and nobody complained . As the three of us went outside , Les and Marie were excitedly talking about how we could all be home within a very short time , and what would we get for Christmas . " Zeb , what do you want ? " Marie asked me , as I picked up the egg basket from the table on the back porch . " Do you think Santa Claus can find us , if we are still here in Kentucky ? " I smiled down at Marie , in her innocent belief , and felt so very much older than she , knowing as I did , that Christmas wasn 't any longer about Santa for me , but about the birth of Jesus . " I 'm sure we 'll have Christmas , Marie . Don 't worry . " I patted her on the back and gave her a hug . " I think maybe a fishing pole , so Grandda could take me and teach me to fish . " Uh - oh ! Seems like Les had not been made aware of the plans , so I had to do some explaining . " Les , Marie , we are not all going back home yet . Rosie and I have agreed to stay and help Grandda take care of Grandma while she is sick . You two will be going back with Ma . " " No , no , Zebbie ! You can 't stay ! I won 't let you ! I won 't let you ! " Marie began to scream and cry . Oh , no ! When Marie started one of her crying fits , there was no consoling her until she wore herself out . Ma heard her screaming from inside , and came running out ; Grandda heard her , too , and came hurrying out of the barn , whittling knife in one hand and whittling stick in the other . " Marie ! Stop that , at once ! Do you hear me ? Stop it ! " Ma picked her up , taking her toward the barn . " Zebulon , you come with me , " she shouted back to me , as she went inside the barn . I ran over obediently . Grandda wisely stayed outside with Les . Marie was sobbing by now . Ma was holding her close to her chest , making soothing noises . Something had happened to Marie in her second year of life , I don 't know what , but she couldn 't take stressful situations . People thought she was spoiled and threw tantrums , but I knew that wasn 't it . It was only when something happened to upset the balance of her life . Certainly being kidnapped and scared near to death by Grandma had upset the balance of Marie 's life ; and this crying fit was the natural outcome that I figured would eventually come . " Oh ? And just when did you decide that , young man ? I think it 's very brave and wonderful of you to do so , but don 't you think you should have discussed it with me before making such a huge decision ? After all , you may think you 're old to enough to decide such things ? I think not ! Besides , I 've been giving all this some thought myself , and we 'll talk about it later ! Now you go inside , and help Rosie . She needs your help more than you may know . " With that , she ran me out of the barn and sat on the old bench in there with Marie on her lap . Another conversation that I was not going to be privy to . Oh , well . Maybe later . ( To be continued ) Posted by " The Sheriff simply saw me get off the train , and let 's say he very kindly offered me a room in the town jail until I told him that I was not here to cause trouble and was expected . He told me about your grandmother . Father O ' Halloran , I 'm very sorry about Mother O ' Halloran . I 'll be in to visit with her later , but first I need to spend some time with my children . " He nodded at her and went into the bedroom . Looking down at me , she examined my face closely . Before even taking off her coat , she began guiding me across the room . Les and Marie were stuck to her side like little barnacles , of course . Rosie kind of hung back in Grandma 's rocker , as though she were not a part of the group . " Zeb , come over here and sit by me on the sofa . I need to talk to you . First , I want to hug you again , and hold you . On second thought , the talk can wait . Let me look at you . You seem to have grown a mile and your face has taken on a different appearance . What has changed since I saw you last , besides the obvious , of course ? " " Ma , I 'm a Christian ! I asked Jesus into my life the very first night we were here ; when Rosie and I were locked in the cellar . " She stared at me as though I had two heads . " What ? What are you talking about , locked in the cellar ? " It was as though she had missed the first part of my statement and jumped to the second half . " Ma ! Listen to what I 'm telling you ! " Then it sank in and she began shouting , like I had never heard before . I was shocked and didn 't know what to say . I didn 't realize that it was her way of praising God for my Salvation . She was happy for me , then she began to hug me like I thought I was going to lose all my " stuffing " , like a rag doll . Grandda came running out of the bedroom to see what was all the commotion , and when he came over , I told her , " Grandda is a new Christian , too , Ma . He became one last night . " We sat back down and Grandda said , " Your Grandma is asleep . I gave her some sleeping medicine with pain killers in it . She was in quite a state , Zeb . What did you say to her , anyway ? " " I just suggested she might want to think about what was going to happen when she passes on and goes to meet Jesus . I asked was she ready . I told her I thought she and Rosie should talk to one another about forgiveness . " " Oh , my , boy , you are walkin ' where the angels fear to tread when you speak to Martha Jane like that . I guess you know that now . " " Yes , sir , but I don 't think we ought to give up , do you ? " Ma looked up at her and simply said " Okay , I 'll come in and help you . We need to talk , too . Zeb , we can talk later . " She hugged Les and Marie two or three more times and said , " Okay , children , I 'm not going away from you , so please , I need to go into the kitchen with Rosie . Zeb , would you take them out for a little while and check on the chickens . Have you all gathered the eggs for today ? I know that has to be done every day . I grew up on a farm , too . " We went outside , so I didn 't get to hear what she and Rosie said . Maybe I could find out later . ( To be continued ) Posted by Running to the door , I flung it open . I just knew it had to be Ma standing there . Instead it was the Sheriff . Why ? I thought surely Ma would be there by now . " Could I speak to your Grandpa , young man ? It seems I have a problem that has developed in town and I need him to settle something . " He could see the confusion on my face , and he said , " It ain 't none a your business , kid , so go get your Grandpa ! " I think , now as I 'm relating this , of a comedian ( who has since appeared on TV ) that was always saying , " I get no respect , " cause I sure wasn 't getting any from him . Well , my curiosity was full to overflowing , but I dutifully sat down in the chair next to the bed and looked at my Grandma . She did look pitiful lying there , and I could see her swollen stomach . Was she expecting a baby ? I had never noticed how her stomach was sticking out before when she had on that dress with an apron . With her lying in bed on her back , it was very obvious . I didn 't know that people with cirrhosis developed a swollen belly quite often . I picked up the glass on the bedside table and held her head up so she could drink some of it . We didn 't have any straws , so a little of it dribbled down the side of her face . I picked up a wash cloth that lay on the table near the glass and wiped the dribble off . As she looked at me , her eyes seemed to be saying something , but she held her lips firmly shut . " Grandma , is there something you want to tell me ? " She shook her head negatively and turned it away from me . " Grandma , I 'm sorry that Rosie did that to you . In her defense , I must say that she wanted you to know what it felt like for her when she was only five years old , scared and away from home with someone she barely knew taking care of her in the way you did . You punished her for doing something she couldn 't help . I know it 's not my place to ask your forgiveness for what she did to you , any more than it 's my place to ask her forgiveness for what she did to you . " I thought a few more minutes and then said , " Maybe if the two of you talked together , you might forgive each other . " " Get out of here ! Stop your preaching to me ! You little brat ! " She raised up in bed with so much anger in her eyes , I was afraid she was coming out after me . Going into the living room , I saw my Ma and ran over to her , throwing my arms around her ; crying and laughing all at the same time . " Ma ! Ma ! When did you come in ? I thought the Sheriff was here ! Where did he go ? " Posted by " Oh , she 's doin ' right as rain , I reckon , " Rosie replied . " Haven 't heard a peep from her all morning . " Grandda and I went in to the bedroom , only to find the bed rumpled and damp , and Grandma was missing . " Rosie , " Grandda shouted , " where is Martha ? What has happened to her ? " " Why , isn 't she in bed ? That 's where she was some time ago when I went in to check on her ! " Rosie came running in . I looked down at the carpet on the floor and saw what looked like marks all along the rug to the door . I was afraid to think what it could be . Had Grandma gotten out of bed and dragged herself to the bathroom ? I ran in there and peeked through the doorway to see . No Grandma there . We all began looking through the house , searching and calling her name . Finally , the only places to look were outside and in the cellar . Horrible thoughts filled my mind and I couldn 't bear to even consider the possibilities . Thinking about how bitterly cold it was , I ran outside to see if she could possibly have gone out looking for Grandda , but could see no trace of her . That left the cellar . Surely , Rosie wouldn 't have . . . By now , she was moaning pitifully , " I 'm so sorry , Martha Rose , I 'm so sorry . I didn 't know what it felt like , and now I do . Can I please come back up ? " Well , we had our answer and I must say , I was thoroughly ashamed of my sister , but not really greatly surprised . Rosie was a big one on getting even with wrongs she had been done . But this took the cake as far as I was concerned . I wondered what Ma would do when she got here . Regardless of that , we had to get Grandma back upstairs . Grandda came down and tenderly gathered her into his strong arms , and carried her like she was a feather . He looked sorrowfully at Rosie as he passed her in the kitchen and shook his head with regrets unspoken . He felt some responsibility as well , it seemed . Turning to Rosie , tears filling my eyes , I asked her , " Rosie , you had no right to do that . Didn 't you know that God was already dealing with her ? Why do you think she was drinking so much ? Why do you think you have a right to be dealing out judgment to her ? Wait till Ma hears about this . I think you are the one who should tell her , though . Yes . You should tell her yourself . " Just then the doorbell rang . ( To be continued ) Posted by Then after reading the scripture verses he had selected , he told us to be seated and then told us the story of this guy named Paul that was a young man , who was going all over the place , killing Christians , and how he met the risen Jesus on a road out in the middle of nowhere . How Jesus made him blind for three days , but then gave Paul a new kind of sight . Paul then learned what it meant to be a follower of Jesus , and soon was telling other people about what had happened to him . Paul learned about the difference between following the laws to the letter because he had to , and following Jesus , by believing in Jesus , accepting Him , and giving your whole life to Him . He also explained how a person has to confess their sins and that everyone is a sinner . He told us how no one is perfect , and if they say they have no sin in their life , they are lying to themselves . When he finished his preaching , he invited anyone who wanted to , to come down front and give their life to Jesus . When the people began singing a hymn , I looked up at Grandda . He was weeping again , and he looked down at me , and began stumbling down the aisle to the front . I went with him and sat on the front pew while he talked to the preacher , waiting for my turn . After about five minutes , he told Grandda to have a seat near me on the front pew , and then looked at me . I went up to him and told him about my experience and that I was a new believer in Jesus and wanted to tell others about it . Turning to the congregation , he motioned us to stand before them and said , " We have two candidates for baptism , standing here and I think they each want to say something to you . " I could see the looks of wonder on their faces as they looked at my Grandda , because I know they thought he was already a believer . He had his hat in his hands and was twisting it around and around , probably dreading what they were thinking , but knew he had a lot to say . " Well , folks , I know you all thought I was already a Christian , but I recently discovered that I had been deceiving myself all these years . I thought that all a feller had to do was behave like one , and he would be one . You know , follow the law and all that meant . I found out different the other night when my chickens came home to roost . I realized that my behavior was not what God wanted of me . He wanted my heart give to him . I 've been mean and ornery to everybody around me , and my wife 's illness has helped show that to me . I drove my kids off from home one at a time . Last night , I gave it all to Jesus , all my pain and meanness , and asked Him to forgive me . He did . Now I want to be the kind of person He wants me to be . Thank ye . " The whole time he was talking , tears were flowing down his face and my heart went out to him . He put his arm around me , and it was my turn to talk . " I just wanted to say that I am a new believer in Jesus , and I want to thank Him for saving me . " I was not much of a talker in front of a lot of people . The preacher spoke again and asked the people what their pleasure was about making us members on our statements of faith . Somebody said , " I move we accept them . " Somebody else said , " I second that . " " All in favor , " said the preacher , " say aye " . I heard enthusiastic agreement all over the church . After a man prayed , everybody began coming down to shake our hands . They were clapping Grandda on the back and giving us hugs . I had never been hugged so many times in my life . The preacher told us we would talk later about when to baptize us . Then it was over and we went to the pew to get Les and Marie , who were standing there kind of confused looking . Grandda hugged them and we started for the back of the church , where two men were standing on either side of the door , holding the collection plates . Apparently , at this church , they took the collection as people had to pass by to go outside . Grandda took out his wallet and put some bills in the plate . " I 'm anxious to get home and see how your Grandma is , and to see if Martha Rose had any trouble taking care of her . " I was anxious as well . ( To be continued ) Posted by Sure enough , after a little while of walking down the country road , there it stood by the side of the road , a small white building with a steep atop . The bells were ringing once again , as the young man stood to one side of the door , pulling the bell rope . Say , that looked like fun . I held Les ' hand in one of mine and Marie 's in the other as we made our way in . Grandda was shaking some of the other people 's hands . I recognized several of them from town and also those who had stopped by the house . They nodded at me and smiled . As I returned their smiles , I suddenly felt as though I was among friends and became very much at ease . We made our way to a pew about half way down the aisle that ran between the rows of rough - hewn pews . There were thin red cushions on them , which made them a little more comfortable for my bony back - sides . I continued looking around , and took in the card - board fans that were in the pew backs in front of the pews we sat on . I took one out , and saw the name of a funeral home on it , accompanied by a picture of a building . Returning it to the pew back , I looked over at the windows , which were just ordinary windows , not like ours back home . In one corner of the church sat a coal - burning stove , which gave out heat , apparently meant to heat the building and seemed to be doing a fairly good job , depending on where one sat in the room . There was a doorway on either side of the pulpit , which I supposed led somewhere ; I had no idea where , but guessed I would find out . Behind the pulpit was a couple of rows of seats , where I guess a choir sometimes sat . Behind those seats , I could see a baptistry with a picture of someone 's idea of what Jesus looked like that hung up above the baptistry . Maybe that is where Grandda and I would be baptised sometime . There was an upright piano that sat near the stage where the pulpit was , and soon a lady sat down at the piano . I had seen her somewhere before . . . yes , it was the Sherrif 's wife . She began playing " Bringing in the Sheaves " and pretty soon we were standing and We found our pew inundated with people giving us a friendly handshake and welcoming smiles . After everyone returned to their seats , he led us in prayer and then we sang another hymn . The preacher , opening his Bible , said , " Please open your Bibles to Romans 3 : 20 , and stand while I read God 's Word , " After we went to bed that night , I only heard Grandma once during the middle of the night . I had gotten up to use the bathroom , and I thought I heard her crying . I felt sorry for her , even though she had been cruel to us ; I suspected she was just unhappy and was taking it out on others . I had thought a lot about Marie 's story of Grandma drinking and crying during the wee hours of the morning , and wondered what if she would ever soften up . I heard Grandda 's rumbling bass voice , but couldn 't hear what he was saying to her . I hoped he was telling her about Jesus , though , and how He could help her feel better inside . I used the bathroom and went back to bed , praying myself to sleep . Waking up the next morning , I crawled out of bed , and the house was toasty warm . Grandda must have already built the fire . I was drawn into the kitchen , tantalized by the aroma of breakfast like it used to smell at home . NO ! It couldn 't be ! Ma ? Was she here already ? I was disappointed to see it was only Rosie . But she had cooked breakfast for us ! That was certainly unexpected , but welcome . The biscuits looked almost perfect and the bacon just a little brown , but I knew it would still taste good ! Soon Marie and Les were awake and up , too , because the smell had drawn them into the kitchen as well . We quickly got the dishes and set the table so we could eat . I wondered what had gotten into Rosie ; had she had a change of heart ? We would see , I guessed . Rosie was setting a plate of fried eggs on the table , just as Grandda came in . We could see the confusion , followed by pleasure on his face . " Well , now , Martha Rose , that looks good enough to eat ! Thank you , girl , for making our breakfast ! You sure enough surprised me . " He cocked one eyebrow at her and looked at her oddly . " You remind me of my girl , Mary Jane , when she wanted something , " he said , wryly with a smile . " Are you wantin ' something , girl ? " I glanced at him and then my siblings . Grandda was beginning to talk about his other children ! This was something new . " Tell us about her , Grandda ! " Les spoke up . " After while , maybe , not now . We can 't let Martha Rose 's good cookin ' go to waste and get cold , now can we ? " He bowed his said and said a heartfelt grace that I knew was genuine , and I smiled inside my heart . Then we all tucked in to our breakfast . It was one of the best I had in a long time , because I had real hopes for a good outcome of our visit to Kentucky . We were just finishing up when I heard the ringing of church bells . I couldn 't believe it ! Out here in the middle of what I thought was nowhere . . . " Grandda ! How close is the church to here ? " I wanted to know . " Why , it 's just down the road about a half - mile . We generally walk it in about fifteen minutes ' er so . It begins in about half an hour , if you are of a mind to go . I 'd kind a ' like to go and tell ' em about really meetin ' Jesus , but I can 't go off and leave Martha Jane . " " I 'll stay with her , Grandda , " spoke up Rosie . I couldn 't believe my ears ! Was this the same Rosie that went to bed here in this house last night ? What was going on here ? Hmm . This bore some investigation , but later . " Really ? Well , if she gets to hurtin ' , jist give her a tablespoon of that medicine on the dresser , and some water . She don 't seem to be hungry . You might try to get her to eat some biscuit and jelly , if she will . She likes her coffee black , too . Thank you , Martha Rose ! God bless you ! " We were soon in our heavy coats and hats , with boots on for the snow , and out the door toward the little church , and Rosie was waving us good - bye . I couldn 't help wondering about her motivation , though , all during the way there . ( To be continued ) Posted by This time it was the postman 's wife . He had stopped at home to pick her up so she could bring some kind of dish for our supper . He had heard while delivering mail to some of the neighbors near us , so he went back home and told her . She had taken a dish she was fixing for their supper and brought it by . They didn 't ask any questions , just delivered the food , and left . I got to thinking then , about Sgt . Finley . Hadn 't he gotten my message ? What had happened to it ? Did the other policeman really write it down and put it on his desk , or was he only pretending he would ? Maybe he did and it got misplaced or overlooked ? I guessed I might probably never know , but it did make me wonder , now that I had time to think about it . Or was Mr . Hopkins just making up that the Sgt . had come looking and asking questions ? I guess that was something I 'd ask my Ma when she came for Les and Marie tomorrow . Was Mr . Hopkins really a nice guy , or was he a pretender , too ? Tomorrow was Sunday , I guessed , since we hadn 't been to church yet . I had lost count of the days . Christmas was coming closer . In just five days , it would be Christmas , and we would miss it . I didn 't know what it would be like here on the farm , but my hopes were not very high for a good one . We had no way to get to town to do any shopping ; not that Rosie and I had any money to shop with . We wouldn 't be with Ma and our little brother and sister . How would we celebrate ? Who would fix our special dinner that day ? All those thoughts were running through both mine and Rosie 's minds , I was sure . Of course , Les and Marie were excited about being back home with Ma , until they really started considering the fact we would still be on the farm . Now what ? I couldn 't help wondering what the next few weeks would hold for all of us . What would really happen when Ma got here , too ? We would see . Only time would tell . Arlissa left and once again we were enveloped by silence . Within the hour , our Ma was on the phone , talking to our Grandda . He was attempting to explain how the little ones came to be there , but finally admitted that Grandma had mistakenly taken them . " Well , yes , and I 'm sorry . Our situation has changed over the last 24 hours . You already know that Zeb and Martha Rose came a few days ago on their own . My Martha has taken sick to her bed and you need to come and get the two little ones . Zeb and Rose have agreed to stay awhile and help me with Martha . She is dying . " With these last words , his eyes watered up again . " Yay ! " They hugged each other , jumping up and down . To say they were excited , would be exaggerating . " Shhh ! " I cautioned them , " we 're not supposed to disturb Grandma . " When I opened the door , a lady stood there with the Sherrif , holding what looked like a pie of some kind . Apparently , she was his wife . " I brought you ' ns a pie for eatin ' on . It 's one of my Granny Smith apple ones . " She commented . " I 'm right sorry to hear Mz . o ' Hallorin is a ailin ' and all . Hope she is back on her feet soon . Has she been down long ? " I noticed the curiosity of all the friends who had come to help and realized that might one of the reasons they had all rushed over to " help out . " I wondered what they would think if they knew the truth . The Sherrif and his wife left after a few minutes and we were alone once more with our thoughts . Then we heard Grandma calling , " Shane , come help me . I need to get up . " He hurried away from us . It was going to be a long few weeks for all of us . It was a quiet meal that evening . Grandpa had given Grandma some pain medicine , and she was resting quietly , the sleep that only drugs could bring to her right now . " I don 't know , Marie . We can never know about another person . Only that person knows for sure in their own heart . At least , that is what Sgour preacher said . " We would see . Only time would tell . Arlissa left and once again we were enveloped by silence . Within the hour , our Ma was on the phone , talking to our Grandda . He was attempting to explain how the little ones came to be there , but finally admitted that Grandma had mistakenly taken them . " Well , yes , and I 'm sorry . Our situation has changed over the last 24 hours . You already know that Zeb and Martha Rose came a few days ago on their own . My Martha has taken sick to her bed and you need to come and get the two little ones . Zeb and Rose have agreed to stay awhile and help me with Martha . She is dying . " With these last words , his eyes watered up again . " Yay ! " They hugged each other , jumping up and down . To say they were excited , would be exaggerating . " Shhh ! " I cautioned them , " we 're not supposed to disturb Grandma . " He replied , " Okay , Zeb , I 'll call her right now . She has been out of her mind with worry . She even had that Sgt . you are friends with looking for you . I don 't understand how you could do such a thing as running off like that , young man , without telling anyone ! You should be whipped ! " " Already have been , sir ! " I said smartly . " Well , good ! " was his reply . " Now , I 'm going to go over to your house right now and tell Ellen you all are safe . I 'll leave my new assistant in charge . I can 't wait to tell her . Goodby , Zeb . Stay out of trouble , now ! " " Mr . O ' Halloran , Grandma sent this pot of soup beans over . We heard yore wife was ailin ' , and we 're mighty sorry . Hope she gets better , real soon . " " Yore welcome . " She looked at the four of us and gave a little smile and a wave in Rose 's direction . Glancing at Rosie , I saw her solemnly returning the half - wave . Grandda looked at little 6 year - old Marie , sobbing in my arms , and saw the woebegone look on Les ' face . I could see the emotions playing across Grandda 's countenance . Was he going to let them go home ? It was time to make my plea to his mercy . " Grandda , would you please let the three of them go home and I will stay here with you and help you care for her . I know I 'm small but I can do a lot more than you might think you can . Please ? " I made an impassioned plea to him , and could see he was considering it . " Could we at least call her and let her know we are here and safe ? " Reluctantly , she agreed , and the deal was struck . We decided to call the grocery store where Ma ad been working , but when Mr . Hopkins answered the phone , he said Ma was out sick . She had suffered a nervous breakdown when her two oldest children had disappeared . Then he said , " Zeb , is this you ? Where are you ? What happened to you ? Did you run away ? Do you have any idea what your mother has been through ? " " It 's a long story , sir . I really need to talk to Ma . If you could just let her know we are at Grandpa O ' Halloran 's farm , all four of us , and could she come and get Les and Marie ? " I sat there in the floor and silently thanked God for His mercy to my Grandda , also to me . Then I got up and went into the bedroom to talk to my siblings . It was Grandda 's choice to tell them what he had chosen to do , but I wanted to tell them that things were going to be changing for us , I hoped . It had just dawned upon me that perhaps , with Grandda 's change of attitude , he might let my siblings return home , but I was going to offer to stay awhile , because as much as I wanted to go , I felt like I could be of help to him . We would see . It would take some time to find out . He stayed in their bedroom for a couple of hours , and then he came out . I don 't know what went on in there , but when he came back into the living room , we went out to see how things were going with Grandma . The first thing he did was apologize to Les , Marie and Rosie for his and Grandma 's treatment of them . They stood there , dumbfounded , looking at one another . Could this be the same man that had treated them so callously before ? " Can you forgive me , children ? You don 't have to , but it would mean a lot to me , if you would . I am so sorry for the way we treated you when Martha brought you here , Les and Marie . Then for the way we treated you , Martha Rose , so many years ago and then when you came here a few days ago . Please , would you ? I 've already apologized to Zeb , here . You see , I 've just prayed to be forgiven by God and become a true believer in Him . God forgave me , will you ? " Marie and Les slowly nodded in affirmation ; but Rosie looked doubtful . She would take some time to forgive him . " What did Grandma say when you told her ? " I asked . He looked at me sorrowfully , and shook his head . Apparently , she didn 't share his feelings . It would take some time , I thought , to convince her of her need . I was going to wait awhile to bring up my suggestion ; perhaps he would think of it , on his own . Marie began to cry softly . I turned to her and asked her what was wrong . " I miss my Mommy , " she said , throwing herself into my arms . " We miss her , too , Marie , " I replied . " Maybe we can go home soon . " After about fifteen minutes , my Grandda 's sobbing had slowed and he was taking out his handkerchief to blow his nose . I sat down at his feet , and asked , " Would you like to tell me about it , Grandda ? I am a very good listener and it would just be between the two of us , because I am good at being a friend , too . " His bright blue eyes looked sharply at me , as if seeing me for the first time . His eyes watered again , and he whispered , " You look just like my Seamus right now , when he used to ask me . . . ask me . . . never mind what he said . It 's not important . If you promise this goes no farther , I will tell you , but I 'm trusting you , boy , and if you tell , it will go bad for you . " " I promise , Grandda . I am a Christian and I keep my word . " " When I heard your Grandma had been drinking every night , I knew I was responsible for bringing it into the house . I used to drink really bad and beat my children if they even looked at me cross - eyed ; sometimes they didn 't have to do anything at all . Martha was not like she is now , she spent her time working hard , but trying to protect them from me . Then when they each ran off and she had no one , she turned meaner than me . I quit drinking and started going to church . Pretty soon , I had convinced myself and others that I was a pretty good fellow , and called myself a Christian . Only Martha knew the difference . She began pretending , too . Now , we 're both members of the local church and had convinced ourselves that we were okay . " " But Grandda , wouldn 't you like to really be a Christian ? You can , you know . Ask Jesus to come into your heart , believe in Him , Confess your sins and accept his forgiveness . Please do it for yourself . " " But He loves you , Grandda ! He died for you , you , Grandda . He 'll save you , if you only ask and believe and say yes . You 've already been confessing your sins to me , now , tell him ! " By this time , I was on my knees at his feet , pleading with him , tears rolling down my face , as well . He bent over once again , with the tears falling , and began to plead with Jesus for forgiveness and to confess his past sins , and although it sickened me to hear all the words coming from his mouth , it made me happy to know he was really talking to Jesus . A few minutes later , a look of pure joy came over his face and I knew he had believed and accepted God 's forgiveness . I jumped up and hollered and clapped him on the back ! Then I hugged him and he hugged me back . Then Grandda did something that made me realize his experience had been real . He asked for my forgiveness . I nodded and said , " Of course , Grandda ! " He immediately ran into the bedroom and shut the door . It was the beginning of a long afternoon for all of us . We were trying to be quiet , for several reasons . We knew that we needed to discuss some matters between the four of us . We were wondering what the days ahead would be like with Grandma lying in bed , not able to care for us , like cooking meals , and how we would manage . Around three in the afternoon , the doorbell rang . We all looked at one another . Grandda hollered at us to answer the door , so Rosie went over and opened it . There stood a lady holding what looked like a dish of food . What was this , who was this ? She said , " You must be the grandchildren we 've been hearing about , I 'm your neighbor , Ms . Parkins , over across the way . Can I come in for just a minute and just visit a spell ? I heered from the Doc that Ms . O ' Hanlon was under the weather and might need somebody to fix up some vittles for you all . So here is a little something for your supper . " She bustled in and said , " This here is hot , so I 'll just set it in here on the table . Can I step in and visit with Martha for just a minute ? " Grandda stepped out of the bedroom and through the hallway into the living room . " Howdy , Ms . Parkins . Have a seat , please . It was mighty nice of you to come calling . Martha is asleep , so she is not up to a visit right now . Maybe another time . " " Well , I hope she 'll be better soon . Well , I guess I better be gettin ' on my way . " She glanced around the room , taking in everything ; then I saw her briefly lift her eyebrows as she glanced at the end table . Uh - oh . The Johnny Walker bottle and glass were still sitting out on the end table . We had forgotten to put them away . Hopefully , Grandda would not spot them . Mz . Parkins got up and walking over to Grandda , she said , " Now , Shane , you know you can call me , night or day , and I 'll come over and help in any way I can . " She put her hand on his arm , gently patting it . " Thank you , Mz . Parkins ; we appreciate it , and thank you for the food . It will help . Good bye now . " He guided her to the door and gratefully closed it as soon as she was out . " Whew ! That is one nosy neighbor . " " We found it in the little end table , Grandda . . . That is what we were trying to tell you while ago . . . We forgot to put it back inside where Grandma kept it . " It all rolled out in what seemed like one sentence . Then I related what Marie had told me . Grandda sat down in the rocking chair , his hands over his face and bending over , his elbows on his knees , wept as I have never seen a man do in my whole life , before or since . We all looked on , not knowing what to do , or to say . I looked at the others and mouthed the words , " Go play or something , " so they all left me and Grandda alone . I patted his shoulder , hesitantly . . . this big man , crying as if his heart would break . . . what could I . . . a little eleven - year - old , do to help him ? I remembered something I had read in my testament about being kind to those who are not kind to you . I began to pray for my Grandda to believe in Jesus for real . " She was in the living room , in that rocking chair in the corner , with only the light on the end table turned on . She looked like she was crying , though . Then she heard the board make a noise where I was walking through the hallway . See , I got up to use the bathroom so I wouldn 't wet the bed again . She put down the glass she was holding , and told me to come over to her . " " ' What are you doing up ? ' she asked me . And I told her that I needed to pee . Then I asked her what she was drinking , and she said ' Medicine ' and that it would be our little secret , but if I told , she would throw me in the cellar again . So , I thought maybe Grandda doesn 't know it . But it sure did smell bad , so I thought it must be medicine . There was a big square bottle of it on the end table next to the lamp . It only had a little left in it . " When she said ' big square bottle ' , revelation came at once to my mind . It was an alcoholic drink called " Johnny Walker Scotch " . I had seen it in the pub where I did the numbers running several months earlier . My grandma was sitting there at night drinking scotch ! But why ? And why was she crying ? I couldn 't believe she had a tear in her for anyone . More questions I needed answers for . . . " Oh , Shane , go eat somethin ' , I ain 't gonna die right this minute . In fact , I might jist get up myself . It 's pure foolishness to lay around in bed in the middle of the day . I 'll just . . . ohhh . . . rest awhile longer . You go eat . . I 'll be okay after while . " " I don 't know , boy ! I don 't know . Maybe Doc can tell us when he gets through looking at her . She 's never took to her bed before , even when she had our kids . She was never in bed with them more than a day . She 's a strong - willed woman . Now let 's pray and eat . " Bowing his head and saying the perfunctory prayer , he said , " Amen " , then began eating . I continued to bow my head and asked God to help my Grandma feel better . Then I began to take out portions of food onto my plate . Grandda just lay down his fork and looked at me , in wonder . I said nothing in response to his amazement , but continued on . If I couldn 't convince him of his need for Jesus , I could at least set the example for him . My siblings also looked at me like I had two heads ; praying for the " dragon grandma " to feel better ? What was wrong with me , they wondered . After we finished our dinner ( In the south , mid - day meals are called dinner ) , we cleared off the table and soon heard a knock on the door . It was the Doc , no doubt . Back then , you know , doctors made house calls , especially in little southern towns . Grandda went to let him in and said , " Thanks for coming , Doc . She 's in here in the bedroom . " They went in and shut the door . I decided we needed to look for that bottle , so we began a very quiet search of the living room , looking in every nook and cranny . It was hidden in the little end table near her rocking chair . It was a hexagonal shaped table with a door in one of the sides . I pulled it out and held it up to the light of the window . Yep ! Just like I thought . Our dear Grandma was a drinker of Scotch alcohol . It had a glass sitting next to the bottle . Marie picked it up and smelled it , then nodded her head . That was the smell . Pretty soon the door to the bedroom opened and they came out . Grandda had a strange look on his face . I couldn 't quite decipher it . I heard him whisper , " Cirrhosis of the liver ? ? ? How ? " Then he asked the Doc a question . " Is she gonna get better , Doc ? " The doctor just patted him on the back and said , " I 'm sorry , Shane , it 's too late . She might have a few weeks left . You just need to keep her as comfortable as you can . I 'm leaving some pain medication for her . It 's strange , the way she has this condition ; it 's usually related to people who drink alcohol to an excess , but I know you all are not drinkers . " He lifted his eyebrows as he looked at Grandda . Grandda shook his head , " No " and my siblings and I looked at one another . Either he didn 't know or was pretending not to know . I couldn 't be sure of which it was . The Doctor handed him a prescription and a box of medicine and left . " Grandda , " I said , " We need to tell you something . " " Not now , boy , not now . " He went back into the bedroom . Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! 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I jumped when I heard Ma speaking behind me , but was glad we were going to talk as a family . When I turned around to face her , she simply smiled at me . I didn 't understand at that time , what the smile was all about . I soon found out , though . We hurried with the dishes and Marie and Les helped us put them away . Grandda went into the bedroom to check on Grandma , then went into the living room to give us some privacy . Soon we were seated around the table and we had lots of questions , but Ma quickly put her index finger on her lips and we quieted down . " Children , I know the past few months have been very hard for you . They have been for me , too . But , I believe they are going to get better . I have already discussed this briefly with your grandfather , and he agrees with my decision . The bank has been very lenient with me in trying to keep my mortgage on the home from foreclosure , but without the money your Da was making , I just couldn 't make the payments , so the house is gone . " We sat there for a minute or so in shocked silence , trying to take in what it all meant . We had lost our home ! All our friends were now in the past . Now what ? Rosie was the first to react , and it was kind of like Mt . Vesuvius in Italy . A slow burn , then an eruption of emotion . " What do you mean ? Gone ? Why ? Couldn 't you borrow some money to keep it ? All my friends ! Janet , Laura , Alice ! I 'll never see them again ? My life is over ! Wait , what about Mr . Hopkins , couldn 't you marry him and we could stay there ? " " Now , just sit down , Rose ! Your life is not over ! Far from it . Mr . Hopkins is out of the picture . After you and Zeb left , I discovered his true colors . He was not what I thought him to be . In his own way , he was as harsh as your father had been . I did not need another such in my life . William was also deceptive . He had claimed to hire someone to look for Marie and Les , and had not done so . I found that out quite by accident . " " We 're already there , " she replied . " I 've spoken to your grandfather , and he has welcomed us into his home . You all need a man in your lives , and you might wait forever for me to find a man worthier than he is to look up to . I could tell the moment I saw him that he is no longer the man he was . " We sat there in shock . We were happy to not have to have Mr . Hopkins as a father , but the rest of it was going to take a little adjustment . We weren 't going back to the northeast . I was going to miss Sgt . Finley and talking to him . My world was kind of all topsy - turvy right then . ( To be continued ) Posted by Grandda came in holding Les by the hand and telling him about growing up on this same farm . Wow ! What a change in Grandda , just in this short amount of time . It warmed my heart to see the difference and the way he was growing as a believer . Ma was bringing in Marie , still talking to her , and Marie was walking quietly by Ma 's side . It seemed the family was finding it 's way back together . These days it would be called a dysfunctional family , I suppose , but I know it was because Ma was a widow trying to deal with all the complexities of keeping us together . We had yet to hear all the news from back in our town . I was anxious to know the answers to so many questions . Les , and Grandda headed in to wash their hands , and so did Ma and Marie . As soon as Ma came back with Marie , I asked a question that had been burning in my mind . " Ma , what about Mr . Hopkins ? You haven 't mentioned him since you came in . What is going on with him ? " " Please , son , I 've barely had time to do think since I 've been here . We 'll discuss Mr . Hopkins later . You don 't need to know everything at once . He is my business , after all . Right now , why don 't we just think about eating this good lunch your sister has fixed for us . " She said this , smiling at Rosie , encouragingly . I looked at the potatoes and saw they had been slightly scorched , and the green beans were undercooked , but the cornbread looked okay , until it was cut into later , and I saw it was doughy in the middle . Ma looked at me , daring me to say anything negative . I just nodded my head , dreading the eating of the stuff . I knew how hard it is to do things in the beginning , when you had to do them alone . When Grandda came in with Les , Les was saying , " Tell me some more about growing up , Grandda . " Rosie was all flushed looking in the face when everyone sat down . I could understand her flustered feelings . Ma looked around and all the rest of us with a dare in her eyes . We believed her warning , and so after Grandda had asked the blessing , we bravely endured the food without criticism . When the meal was over , we each thanked Rosie for making it for us . Ma got up from the table and told us to clear it , and told me to help with the dishes , while she and Grandda went in to check on Grandma , who had been sleeping . Well , Ma had certainly taken over with a firm hand , it seemed , and I , for one , was happy she had . As Rosie and I did the dishes , she washing , and I , drying , I began voicing my questions to her . " What do you think is happening with Mr . Hopkins , Rosie ? She won 't talk with me about him yet . " " Yeah , but he 'd be living with us . Don 't that matter ? I don 't much care for him , either . I don 't really trust him . There is just something about him that is false , I just don 't know what , though . It just seems wrong . " We were so busy talking that we didn 't notice Ma coming up behind us . ( To be continued ) Posted by Wiping the slush from my shoes onto the door mat , I opened the kitchen door and went slowly in , trying to decide how to approach Rosie . I knew she would most likely be in a very foul mood , what with Ma 's recent " talk " with her , but I was wrong . Big tears were rolling down her face , and she reached up occasionally wiping them with the back of her hand . Although she was a head and a half taller than I , ( apparently she had inherited the O ' Halloran gene for height ) , I still put my hand up on her shoulder . Rosie jumped at my touch and then turned around . " Oh ! It 's you ! Why don 't you sneak up on a person , anyway ? " She fairly dripped with great sarcasm . " Are you afraid to approach head on ? " Hmmm . Ma 's talk with her didn 't seem to have changed Rosie 's disposition very much . " I guess we have you to thank for getting us stuck in this awful place ; away from all my friends at home . There is no fun here , only work , work , work ! " " Rosie , have you forgotten we came here to find Les and Marie ? Have you forgotten how happy they were to see us ? I would do it again in a second , without even thinking about what might happen . Wouldn 't you ? Come on , now , Rosie Posey ! " At hearing the nickname I gave her when I was only four , she began to grin a bit . " Well , maybe . . . " she replied , grudgingly giving over to a fuller smile . " Oh , go on . You know I would . It 's just that . . . that . . . " " I know , Rosie , it is a stinkin ' mess , but it 's gonna get better . I just know it is . Look , Ma 's here , so we 're all together , and that 's good , ain 't it ? " " Well , yeah , but , what about Christmas ? It 's just days away , and we 're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere . What about Christmas , and the presents ? How are we ever going to get presents for each other ? Marie and Les will be expecting Santa to bring them something . I haven 't seen any stores sprouting up out here around the farm , have you ? Ma doesn 't drive , so we can 't go in to town to shop . Now what ? " " Okay , you set the table . I 've got the meal about ready , as soon as I dish it up . " At least she wasn 't bawling her eyes out anymore . I sure was curious as to what she and Ma talked about , but figured I wouldn 't find out at that time . So I set the table and let my mind wander over the past couple of days . Pretty soon , everything was ready , and I went to the back door and stepped out onto the porch . I yelled , " Dinner 's ready ! " Say , that was fun , I thought . I couldn 't do that back home . Out here you could holler all you wanted to , and nobody complained . As the three of us went outside , Les and Marie were excitedly talking about how we could all be home within a very short time , and what would we get for Christmas . " Zeb , what do you want ? " Marie asked me , as I picked up the egg basket from the table on the back porch . " Do you think Santa Claus can find us , if we are still here in Kentucky ? " I smiled down at Marie , in her innocent belief , and felt so very much older than she , knowing as I did , that Christmas wasn 't any longer about Santa for me , but about the birth of Jesus . " I 'm sure we 'll have Christmas , Marie . Don 't worry . " I patted her on the back and gave her a hug . " I think maybe a fishing pole , so Grandda could take me and teach me to fish . " Uh - oh ! Seems like Les had not been made aware of the plans , so I had to do some explaining . " Les , Marie , we are not all going back home yet . Rosie and I have agreed to stay and help Grandda take care of Grandma while she is sick . You two will be going back with Ma . " " No , no , Zebbie ! You can 't stay ! I won 't let you ! I won 't let you ! " Marie began to scream and cry . Oh , no ! When Marie started one of her crying fits , there was no consoling her until she wore herself out . Ma heard her screaming from inside , and came running out ; Grandda heard her , too , and came hurrying out of the barn , whittling knife in one hand and whittling stick in the other . " Marie ! Stop that , at once ! Do you hear me ? Stop it ! " Ma picked her up , taking her toward the barn . " Zebulon , you come with me , " she shouted back to me , as she went inside the barn . I ran over obediently . Grandda wisely stayed outside with Les . Marie was sobbing by now . Ma was holding her close to her chest , making soothing noises . Something had happened to Marie in her second year of life , I don 't know what , but she couldn 't take stressful situations . People thought she was spoiled and threw tantrums , but I knew that wasn 't it . It was only when something happened to upset the balance of her life . Certainly being kidnapped and scared near to death by Grandma had upset the balance of Marie 's life ; and this crying fit was the natural outcome that I figured would eventually come . " Oh ? And just when did you decide that , young man ? I think it 's very brave and wonderful of you to do so , but don 't you think you should have discussed it with me before making such a huge decision ? After all , you may think you 're old to enough to decide such things ? I think not ! Besides , I 've been giving all this some thought myself , and we 'll talk about it later ! Now you go inside , and help Rosie . She needs your help more than you may know . " With that , she ran me out of the barn and sat on the old bench in there with Marie on her lap . Another conversation that I was not going to be privy to . Oh , well . Maybe later . ( To be continued ) Posted by " The Sheriff simply saw me get off the train , and let 's say he very kindly offered me a room in the town jail until I told him that I was not here to cause trouble and was expected . He told me about your grandmother . Father O ' Halloran , I 'm very sorry about Mother O ' Halloran . I 'll be in to visit with her later , but first I need to spend some time with my children . " He nodded at her and went into the bedroom . Looking down at me , she examined my face closely . Before even taking off her coat , she began guiding me across the room . Les and Marie were stuck to her side like little barnacles , of course . Rosie kind of hung back in Grandma 's rocker , as though she were not a part of the group . " Zeb , come over here and sit by me on the sofa . I need to talk to you . First , I want to hug you again , and hold you . On second thought , the talk can wait . Let me look at you . You seem to have grown a mile and your face has taken on a different appearance . What has changed since I saw you last , besides the obvious , of course ? " " Ma , I 'm a Christian ! I asked Jesus into my life the very first night we were here ; when Rosie and I were locked in the cellar . " She stared at me as though I had two heads . " What ? What are you talking about , locked in the cellar ? " It was as though she had missed the first part of my statement and jumped to the second half . " Ma ! Listen to what I 'm telling you ! " Then it sank in and she began shouting , like I had never heard before . I was shocked and didn 't know what to say . I didn 't realize that it was her way of praising God for my Salvation . She was happy for me , then she began to hug me like I thought I was going to lose all my " stuffing " , like a rag doll . Grandda came running out of the bedroom to see what was all the commotion , and when he came over , I told her , " Grandda is a new Christian , too , Ma . He became one last night . " We sat back down and Grandda said , " Your Grandma is asleep . I gave her some sleeping medicine with pain killers in it . She was in quite a state , Zeb . What did you say to her , anyway ? " " I just suggested she might want to think about what was going to happen when she passes on and goes to meet Jesus . I asked was she ready . I told her I thought she and Rosie should talk to one another about forgiveness . " " Oh , my , boy , you are walkin ' where the angels fear to tread when you speak to Martha Jane like that . I guess you know that now . " " Yes , sir , but I don 't think we ought to give up , do you ? " Ma looked up at her and simply said " Okay , I 'll come in and help you . We need to talk , too . Zeb , we can talk later . " She hugged Les and Marie two or three more times and said , " Okay , children , I 'm not going away from you , so please , I need to go into the kitchen with Rosie . Zeb , would you take them out for a little while and check on the chickens . Have you all gathered the eggs for today ? I know that has to be done every day . I grew up on a farm , too . " We went outside , so I didn 't get to hear what she and Rosie said . Maybe I could find out later . ( To be continued ) Posted by Running to the door , I flung it open . I just knew it had to be Ma standing there . Instead it was the Sheriff . Why ? I thought surely Ma would be there by now . " Could I speak to your Grandpa , young man ? It seems I have a problem that has developed in town and I need him to settle something . " He could see the confusion on my face , and he said , " It ain 't none a your business , kid , so go get your Grandpa ! " I think , now as I 'm relating this , of a comedian ( who has since appeared on TV ) that was always saying , " I get no respect , " cause I sure wasn 't getting any from him . Well , my curiosity was full to overflowing , but I dutifully sat down in the chair next to the bed and looked at my Grandma . She did look pitiful lying there , and I could see her swollen stomach . Was she expecting a baby ? I had never noticed how her stomach was sticking out before when she had on that dress with an apron . With her lying in bed on her back , it was very obvious . I didn 't know that people with cirrhosis developed a swollen belly quite often . I picked up the glass on the bedside table and held her head up so she could drink some of it . We didn 't have any straws , so a little of it dribbled down the side of her face . I picked up a wash cloth that lay on the table near the glass and wiped the dribble off . As she looked at me , her eyes seemed to be saying something , but she held her lips firmly shut . " Grandma , is there something you want to tell me ? " She shook her head negatively and turned it away from me . " Grandma , I 'm sorry that Rosie did that to you . In her defense , I must say that she wanted you to know what it felt like for her when she was only five years old , scared and away from home with someone she barely knew taking care of her in the way you did . You punished her for doing something she couldn 't help . I know it 's not my place to ask your forgiveness for what she did to you , any more than it 's my place to ask her forgiveness for what she did to you . " I thought a few more minutes and then said , " Maybe if the two of you talked together , you might forgive each other . " " Get out of here ! Stop your preaching to me ! You little brat ! " She raised up in bed with so much anger in her eyes , I was afraid she was coming out after me . Going into the living room , I saw my Ma and ran over to her , throwing my arms around her ; crying and laughing all at the same time . " Ma ! Ma ! When did you come in ? I thought the Sheriff was here ! Where did he go ? " Posted by " Oh , she 's doin ' right as rain , I reckon , " Rosie replied . " Haven 't heard a peep from her all morning . " Grandda and I went in to the bedroom , only to find the bed rumpled and damp , and Grandma was missing . " Rosie , " Grandda shouted , " where is Martha ? What has happened to her ? " " Why , isn 't she in bed ? That 's where she was some time ago when I went in to check on her ! " Rosie came running in . I looked down at the carpet on the floor and saw what looked like marks all along the rug to the door . I was afraid to think what it could be . Had Grandma gotten out of bed and dragged herself to the bathroom ? I ran in there and peeked through the doorway to see . No Grandma there . We all began looking through the house , searching and calling her name . Finally , the only places to look were outside and in the cellar . Horrible thoughts filled my mind and I couldn 't bear to even consider the possibilities . Thinking about how bitterly cold it was , I ran outside to see if she could possibly have gone out looking for Grandda , but could see no trace of her . That left the cellar . Surely , Rosie wouldn 't have . . . By now , she was moaning pitifully , " I 'm so sorry , Martha Rose , I 'm so sorry . I didn 't know what it felt like , and now I do . Can I please come back up ? " Well , we had our answer and I must say , I was thoroughly ashamed of my sister , but not really greatly surprised . Rosie was a big one on getting even with wrongs she had been done . But this took the cake as far as I was concerned . I wondered what Ma would do when she got here . Regardless of that , we had to get Grandma back upstairs . Grandda came down and tenderly gathered her into his strong arms , and carried her like she was a feather . He looked sorrowfully at Rosie as he passed her in the kitchen and shook his head with regrets unspoken . He felt some responsibility as well , it seemed . Turning to Rosie , tears filling my eyes , I asked her , " Rosie , you had no right to do that . Didn 't you know that God was already dealing with her ? Why do you think she was drinking so much ? Why do you think you have a right to be dealing out judgment to her ? Wait till Ma hears about this . I think you are the one who should tell her , though . Yes . You should tell her yourself . " Just then the doorbell rang . ( To be continued ) Posted by Then after reading the scripture verses he had selected , he told us to be seated and then told us the story of this guy named Paul that was a young man , who was going all over the place , killing Christians , and how he met the risen Jesus on a road out in the middle of nowhere . How Jesus made him blind for three days , but then gave Paul a new kind of sight . Paul then learned what it meant to be a follower of Jesus , and soon was telling other people about what had happened to him . Paul learned about the difference between following the laws to the letter because he had to , and following Jesus , by believing in Jesus , accepting Him , and giving your whole life to Him . He also explained how a person has to confess their sins and that everyone is a sinner . He told us how no one is perfect , and if they say they have no sin in their life , they are lying to themselves . When he finished his preaching , he invited anyone who wanted to , to come down front and give their life to Jesus . When the people began singing a hymn , I looked up at Grandda . He was weeping again , and he looked down at me , and began stumbling down the aisle to the front . I went with him and sat on the front pew while he talked to the preacher , waiting for my turn . After about five minutes , he told Grandda to have a seat near me on the front pew , and then looked at me . I went up to him and told him about my experience and that I was a new believer in Jesus and wanted to tell others about it . Turning to the congregation , he motioned us to stand before them and said , " We have two candidates for baptism , standing here and I think they each want to say something to you . " I could see the looks of wonder on their faces as they looked at my Grandda , because I know they thought he was already a believer . He had his hat in his hands and was twisting it around and around , probably dreading what they were thinking , but knew he had a lot to say . " Well , folks , I know you all thought I was already a Christian , but I recently discovered that I had been deceiving myself all these years . I thought that all a feller had to do was behave like one , and he would be one . You know , follow the law and all that meant . I found out different the other night when my chickens came home to roost . I realized that my behavior was not what God wanted of me . He wanted my heart give to him . I 've been mean and ornery to everybody around me , and my wife 's illness has helped show that to me . I drove my kids off from home one at a time . Last night , I gave it all to Jesus , all my pain and meanness , and asked Him to forgive me . He did . Now I want to be the kind of person He wants me to be . Thank ye . " The whole time he was talking , tears were flowing down his face and my heart went out to him . He put his arm around me , and it was my turn to talk . " I just wanted to say that I am a new believer in Jesus , and I want to thank Him for saving me . " I was not much of a talker in front of a lot of people . The preacher spoke again and asked the people what their pleasure was about making us members on our statements of faith . Somebody said , " I move we accept them . " Somebody else said , " I second that . " " All in favor , " said the preacher , " say aye " . I heard enthusiastic agreement all over the church . After a man prayed , everybody began coming down to shake our hands . They were clapping Grandda on the back and giving us hugs . I had never been hugged so many times in my life . The preacher told us we would talk later about when to baptize us . Then it was over and we went to the pew to get Les and Marie , who were standing there kind of confused looking . Grandda hugged them and we started for the back of the church , where two men were standing on either side of the door , holding the collection plates . Apparently , at this church , they took the collection as people had to pass by to go outside . Grandda took out his wallet and put some bills in the plate . " I 'm anxious to get home and see how your Grandma is , and to see if Martha Rose had any trouble taking care of her . " I was anxious as well . ( To be continued ) Posted by Sure enough , after a little while of walking down the country road , there it stood by the side of the road , a small white building with a steep atop . The bells were ringing once again , as the young man stood to one side of the door , pulling the bell rope . Say , that looked like fun . I held Les ' hand in one of mine and Marie 's in the other as we made our way in . Grandda was shaking some of the other people 's hands . I recognized several of them from town and also those who had stopped by the house . They nodded at me and smiled . As I returned their smiles , I suddenly felt as though I was among friends and became very much at ease . We made our way to a pew about half way down the aisle that ran between the rows of rough - hewn pews . There were thin red cushions on them , which made them a little more comfortable for my bony back - sides . I continued looking around , and took in the card - board fans that were in the pew backs in front of the pews we sat on . I took one out , and saw the name of a funeral home on it , accompanied by a picture of a building . Returning it to the pew back , I looked over at the windows , which were just ordinary windows , not like ours back home . In one corner of the church sat a coal - burning stove , which gave out heat , apparently meant to heat the building and seemed to be doing a fairly good job , depending on where one sat in the room . There was a doorway on either side of the pulpit , which I supposed led somewhere ; I had no idea where , but guessed I would find out . Behind the pulpit was a couple of rows of seats , where I guess a choir sometimes sat . Behind those seats , I could see a baptistry with a picture of someone 's idea of what Jesus looked like that hung up above the baptistry . Maybe that is where Grandda and I would be baptised sometime . There was an upright piano that sat near the stage where the pulpit was , and soon a lady sat down at the piano . I had seen her somewhere before . . . yes , it was the Sherrif 's wife . She began playing " Bringing in the Sheaves " and pretty soon we were standing and We found our pew inundated with people giving us a friendly handshake and welcoming smiles . After everyone returned to their seats , he led us in prayer and then we sang another hymn . The preacher , opening his Bible , said , " Please open your Bibles to Romans 3 : 20 , and stand while I read God 's Word , " After we went to bed that night , I only heard Grandma once during the middle of the night . I had gotten up to use the bathroom , and I thought I heard her crying . I felt sorry for her , even though she had been cruel to us ; I suspected she was just unhappy and was taking it out on others . I had thought a lot about Marie 's story of Grandma drinking and crying during the wee hours of the morning , and wondered what if she would ever soften up . I heard Grandda 's rumbling bass voice , but couldn 't hear what he was saying to her . I hoped he was telling her about Jesus , though , and how He could help her feel better inside . I used the bathroom and went back to bed , praying myself to sleep . Waking up the next morning , I crawled out of bed , and the house was toasty warm . Grandda must have already built the fire . I was drawn into the kitchen , tantalized by the aroma of breakfast like it used to smell at home . NO ! It couldn 't be ! Ma ? Was she here already ? I was disappointed to see it was only Rosie . But she had cooked breakfast for us ! That was certainly unexpected , but welcome . The biscuits looked almost perfect and the bacon just a little brown , but I knew it would still taste good ! Soon Marie and Les were awake and up , too , because the smell had drawn them into the kitchen as well . We quickly got the dishes and set the table so we could eat . I wondered what had gotten into Rosie ; had she had a change of heart ? We would see , I guessed . Rosie was setting a plate of fried eggs on the table , just as Grandda came in . We could see the confusion , followed by pleasure on his face . " Well , now , Martha Rose , that looks good enough to eat ! Thank you , girl , for making our breakfast ! You sure enough surprised me . " He cocked one eyebrow at her and looked at her oddly . " You remind me of my girl , Mary Jane , when she wanted something , " he said , wryly with a smile . " Are you wantin ' something , girl ? " I glanced at him and then my siblings . Grandda was beginning to talk about his other children ! This was something new . " Tell us about her , Grandda ! " Les spoke up . " After while , maybe , not now . We can 't let Martha Rose 's good cookin ' go to waste and get cold , now can we ? " He bowed his said and said a heartfelt grace that I knew was genuine , and I smiled inside my heart . Then we all tucked in to our breakfast . It was one of the best I had in a long time , because I had real hopes for a good outcome of our visit to Kentucky . We were just finishing up when I heard the ringing of church bells . I couldn 't believe it ! Out here in the middle of what I thought was nowhere . . . " Grandda ! How close is the church to here ? " I wanted to know . " Why , it 's just down the road about a half - mile . We generally walk it in about fifteen minutes ' er so . It begins in about half an hour , if you are of a mind to go . I 'd kind a ' like to go and tell ' em about really meetin ' Jesus , but I can 't go off and leave Martha Jane . " " I 'll stay with her , Grandda , " spoke up Rosie . I couldn 't believe my ears ! Was this the same Rosie that went to bed here in this house last night ? What was going on here ? Hmm . This bore some investigation , but later . " Really ? Well , if she gets to hurtin ' , jist give her a tablespoon of that medicine on the dresser , and some water . She don 't seem to be hungry . You might try to get her to eat some biscuit and jelly , if she will . She likes her coffee black , too . Thank you , Martha Rose ! God bless you ! " We were soon in our heavy coats and hats , with boots on for the snow , and out the door toward the little church , and Rosie was waving us good - bye . I couldn 't help wondering about her motivation , though , all during the way there . ( To be continued ) Posted by This time it was the postman 's wife . He had stopped at home to pick her up so she could bring some kind of dish for our supper . He had heard while delivering mail to some of the neighbors near us , so he went back home and told her . She had taken a dish she was fixing for their supper and brought it by . They didn 't ask any questions , just delivered the food , and left . I got to thinking then , about Sgt . Finley . Hadn 't he gotten my message ? What had happened to it ? Did the other policeman really write it down and put it on his desk , or was he only pretending he would ? Maybe he did and it got misplaced or overlooked ? I guessed I might probably never know , but it did make me wonder , now that I had time to think about it . Or was Mr . Hopkins just making up that the Sgt . had come looking and asking questions ? I guess that was something I 'd ask my Ma when she came for Les and Marie tomorrow . Was Mr . Hopkins really a nice guy , or was he a pretender , too ? Tomorrow was Sunday , I guessed , since we hadn 't been to church yet . I had lost count of the days . Christmas was coming closer . In just five days , it would be Christmas , and we would miss it . I didn 't know what it would be like here on the farm , but my hopes were not very high for a good one . We had no way to get to town to do any shopping ; not that Rosie and I had any money to shop with . We wouldn 't be with Ma and our little brother and sister . How would we celebrate ? Who would fix our special dinner that day ? All those thoughts were running through both mine and Rosie 's minds , I was sure . Of course , Les and Marie were excited about being back home with Ma , until they really started considering the fact we would still be on the farm . Now what ? I couldn 't help wondering what the next few weeks would hold for all of us . What would really happen when Ma got here , too ? We would see . Only time would tell . Arlissa left and once again we were enveloped by silence . Within the hour , our Ma was on the phone , talking to our Grandda . He was attempting to explain how the little ones came to be there , but finally admitted that Grandma had mistakenly taken them . " Well , yes , and I 'm sorry . Our situation has changed over the last 24 hours . You already know that Zeb and Martha Rose came a few days ago on their own . My Martha has taken sick to her bed and you need to come and get the two little ones . Zeb and Rose have agreed to stay awhile and help me with Martha . She is dying . " With these last words , his eyes watered up again . " Yay ! " They hugged each other , jumping up and down . To say they were excited , would be exaggerating . " Shhh ! " I cautioned them , " we 're not supposed to disturb Grandma . " When I opened the door , a lady stood there with the Sherrif , holding what looked like a pie of some kind . Apparently , she was his wife . " I brought you ' ns a pie for eatin ' on . It 's one of my Granny Smith apple ones . " She commented . " I 'm right sorry to hear Mz . o ' Hallorin is a ailin ' and all . Hope she is back on her feet soon . Has she been down long ? " I noticed the curiosity of all the friends who had come to help and realized that might one of the reasons they had all rushed over to " help out . " I wondered what they would think if they knew the truth . The Sherrif and his wife left after a few minutes and we were alone once more with our thoughts . Then we heard Grandma calling , " Shane , come help me . I need to get up . " He hurried away from us . It was going to be a long few weeks for all of us . It was a quiet meal that evening . Grandpa had given Grandma some pain medicine , and she was resting quietly , the sleep that only drugs could bring to her right now . " I don 't know , Marie . We can never know about another person . Only that person knows for sure in their own heart . At least , that is what Sgour preacher said . " We would see . Only time would tell . Arlissa left and once again we were enveloped by silence . Within the hour , our Ma was on the phone , talking to our Grandda . He was attempting to explain how the little ones came to be there , but finally admitted that Grandma had mistakenly taken them . " Well , yes , and I 'm sorry . Our situation has changed over the last 24 hours . You already know that Zeb and Martha Rose came a few days ago on their own . My Martha has taken sick to her bed and you need to come and get the two little ones . Zeb and Rose have agreed to stay awhile and help me with Martha . She is dying . " With these last words , his eyes watered up again . " Yay ! " They hugged each other , jumping up and down . To say they were excited , would be exaggerating . " Shhh ! " I cautioned them , " we 're not supposed to disturb Grandma . " He replied , " Okay , Zeb , I 'll call her right now . She has been out of her mind with worry . She even had that Sgt . you are friends with looking for you . I don 't understand how you could do such a thing as running off like that , young man , without telling anyone ! You should be whipped ! " " Already have been , sir ! " I said smartly . " Well , good ! " was his reply . " Now , I 'm going to go over to your house right now and tell Ellen you all are safe . I 'll leave my new assistant in charge . I can 't wait to tell her . Goodby , Zeb . Stay out of trouble , now ! " " Mr . O ' Halloran , Grandma sent this pot of soup beans over . We heard yore wife was ailin ' , and we 're mighty sorry . Hope she gets better , real soon . " " Yore welcome . " She looked at the four of us and gave a little smile and a wave in Rose 's direction . Glancing at Rosie , I saw her solemnly returning the half - wave . Grandda looked at little 6 year - old Marie , sobbing in my arms , and saw the woebegone look on Les ' face . I could see the emotions playing across Grandda 's countenance . Was he going to let them go home ? It was time to make my plea to his mercy . " Grandda , would you please let the three of them go home and I will stay here with you and help you care for her . I know I 'm small but I can do a lot more than you might think you can . Please ? " I made an impassioned plea to him , and could see he was considering it . " Could we at least call her and let her know we are here and safe ? " Reluctantly , she agreed , and the deal was struck . We decided to call the grocery store where Ma ad been working , but when Mr . Hopkins answered the phone , he said Ma was out sick . She had suffered a nervous breakdown when her two oldest children had disappeared . Then he said , " Zeb , is this you ? Where are you ? What happened to you ? Did you run away ? Do you have any idea what your mother has been through ? " " It 's a long story , sir . I really need to talk to Ma . If you could just let her know we are at Grandpa O ' Halloran 's farm , all four of us , and could she come and get Les and Marie ? " I sat there in the floor and silently thanked God for His mercy to my Grandda , also to me . Then I got up and went into the bedroom to talk to my siblings . It was Grandda 's choice to tell them what he had chosen to do , but I wanted to tell them that things were going to be changing for us , I hoped . It had just dawned upon me that perhaps , with Grandda 's change of attitude , he might let my siblings return home , but I was going to offer to stay awhile , because as much as I wanted to go , I felt like I could be of help to him . We would see . It would take some time to find out . He stayed in their bedroom for a couple of hours , and then he came out . I don 't know what went on in there , but when he came back into the living room , we went out to see how things were going with Grandma . The first thing he did was apologize to Les , Marie and Rosie for his and Grandma 's treatment of them . They stood there , dumbfounded , looking at one another . Could this be the same man that had treated them so callously before ? " Can you forgive me , children ? You don 't have to , but it would mean a lot to me , if you would . I am so sorry for the way we treated you when Martha brought you here , Les and Marie . Then for the way we treated you , Martha Rose , so many years ago and then when you came here a few days ago . Please , would you ? I 've already apologized to Zeb , here . You see , I 've just prayed to be forgiven by God and become a true believer in Him . God forgave me , will you ? " Marie and Les slowly nodded in affirmation ; but Rosie looked doubtful . She would take some time to forgive him . " What did Grandma say when you told her ? " I asked . He looked at me sorrowfully , and shook his head . Apparently , she didn 't share his feelings . It would take some time , I thought , to convince her of her need . I was going to wait awhile to bring up my suggestion ; perhaps he would think of it , on his own . Marie began to cry softly . I turned to her and asked her what was wrong . " I miss my Mommy , " she said , throwing herself into my arms . " We miss her , too , Marie , " I replied . " Maybe we can go home soon . " After about fifteen minutes , my Grandda 's sobbing had slowed and he was taking out his handkerchief to blow his nose . I sat down at his feet , and asked , " Would you like to tell me about it , Grandda ? I am a very good listener and it would just be between the two of us , because I am good at being a friend , too . " His bright blue eyes looked sharply at me , as if seeing me for the first time . His eyes watered again , and he whispered , " You look just like my Seamus right now , when he used to ask me . . . ask me . . . never mind what he said . It 's not important . If you promise this goes no farther , I will tell you , but I 'm trusting you , boy , and if you tell , it will go bad for you . " " I promise , Grandda . I am a Christian and I keep my word . " " When I heard your Grandma had been drinking every night , I knew I was responsible for bringing it into the house . I used to drink really bad and beat my children if they even looked at me cross - eyed ; sometimes they didn 't have to do anything at all . Martha was not like she is now , she spent her time working hard , but trying to protect them from me . Then when they each ran off and she had no one , she turned meaner than me . I quit drinking and started going to church . Pretty soon , I had convinced myself and others that I was a pretty good fellow , and called myself a Christian . Only Martha knew the difference . She began pretending , too . Now , we 're both members of the local church and had convinced ourselves that we were okay . " " But Grandda , wouldn 't you like to really be a Christian ? You can , you know . Ask Jesus to come into your heart , believe in Him , Confess your sins and accept his forgiveness . Please do it for yourself . " " But He loves you , Grandda ! He died for you , you , Grandda . He 'll save you , if you only ask and believe and say yes . You 've already been confessing your sins to me , now , tell him ! " By this time , I was on my knees at his feet , pleading with him , tears rolling down my face , as well . He bent over once again , with the tears falling , and began to plead with Jesus for forgiveness and to confess his past sins , and although it sickened me to hear all the words coming from his mouth , it made me happy to know he was really talking to Jesus . A few minutes later , a look of pure joy came over his face and I knew he had believed and accepted God 's forgiveness . I jumped up and hollered and clapped him on the back ! Then I hugged him and he hugged me back . Then Grandda did something that made me realize his experience had been real . He asked for my forgiveness . I nodded and said , " Of course , Grandda ! " He immediately ran into the bedroom and shut the door . It was the beginning of a long afternoon for all of us . We were trying to be quiet , for several reasons . We knew that we needed to discuss some matters between the four of us . We were wondering what the days ahead would be like with Grandma lying in bed , not able to care for us , like cooking meals , and how we would manage . Around three in the afternoon , the doorbell rang . We all looked at one another . Grandda hollered at us to answer the door , so Rosie went over and opened it . There stood a lady holding what looked like a dish of food . What was this , who was this ? She said , " You must be the grandchildren we 've been hearing about , I 'm your neighbor , Ms . Parkins , over across the way . Can I come in for just a minute and just visit a spell ? I heered from the Doc that Ms . O ' Hanlon was under the weather and might need somebody to fix up some vittles for you all . So here is a little something for your supper . " She bustled in and said , " This here is hot , so I 'll just set it in here on the table . Can I step in and visit with Martha for just a minute ? " Grandda stepped out of the bedroom and through the hallway into the living room . " Howdy , Ms . Parkins . Have a seat , please . It was mighty nice of you to come calling . Martha is asleep , so she is not up to a visit right now . Maybe another time . " " Well , I hope she 'll be better soon . Well , I guess I better be gettin ' on my way . " She glanced around the room , taking in everything ; then I saw her briefly lift her eyebrows as she glanced at the end table . Uh - oh . The Johnny Walker bottle and glass were still sitting out on the end table . We had forgotten to put them away . Hopefully , Grandda would not spot them . Mz . Parkins got up and walking over to Grandda , she said , " Now , Shane , you know you can call me , night or day , and I 'll come over and help in any way I can . " She put her hand on his arm , gently patting it . " Thank you , Mz . Parkins ; we appreciate it , and thank you for the food . It will help . Good bye now . " He guided her to the door and gratefully closed it as soon as she was out . " Whew ! That is one nosy neighbor . " " We found it in the little end table , Grandda . . . That is what we were trying to tell you while ago . . . We forgot to put it back inside where Grandma kept it . " It all rolled out in what seemed like one sentence . Then I related what Marie had told me . Grandda sat down in the rocking chair , his hands over his face and bending over , his elbows on his knees , wept as I have never seen a man do in my whole life , before or since . We all looked on , not knowing what to do , or to say . I looked at the others and mouthed the words , " Go play or something , " so they all left me and Grandda alone . I patted his shoulder , hesitantly . . . this big man , crying as if his heart would break . . . what could I . . . a little eleven - year - old , do to help him ? I remembered something I had read in my testament about being kind to those who are not kind to you . I began to pray for my Grandda to believe in Jesus for real . " She was in the living room , in that rocking chair in the corner , with only the light on the end table turned on . She looked like she was crying , though . Then she heard the board make a noise where I was walking through the hallway . See , I got up to use the bathroom so I wouldn 't wet the bed again . She put down the glass she was holding , and told me to come over to her . " " ' What are you doing up ? ' she asked me . And I told her that I needed to pee . Then I asked her what she was drinking , and she said ' Medicine ' and that it would be our little secret , but if I told , she would throw me in the cellar again . So , I thought maybe Grandda doesn 't know it . But it sure did smell bad , so I thought it must be medicine . There was a big square bottle of it on the end table next to the lamp . It only had a little left in it . " When she said ' big square bottle ' , revelation came at once to my mind . It was an alcoholic drink called " Johnny Walker Scotch " . I had seen it in the pub where I did the numbers running several months earlier . My grandma was sitting there at night drinking scotch ! But why ? And why was she crying ? I couldn 't believe she had a tear in her for anyone . More questions I needed answers for . . . " Oh , Shane , go eat somethin ' , I ain 't gonna die right this minute . In fact , I might jist get up myself . It 's pure foolishness to lay around in bed in the middle of the day . I 'll just . . . ohhh . . . rest awhile longer . You go eat . . I 'll be okay after while . " " I don 't know , boy ! I don 't know . Maybe Doc can tell us when he gets through looking at her . She 's never took to her bed before , even when she had our kids . She was never in bed with them more than a day . She 's a strong - willed woman . Now let 's pray and eat . " Bowing his head and saying the perfunctory prayer , he said , " Amen " , then began eating . I continued to bow my head and asked God to help my Grandma feel better . Then I began to take out portions of food onto my plate . Grandda just lay down his fork and looked at me , in wonder . I said nothing in response to his amazement , but continued on . If I couldn 't convince him of his need for Jesus , I could at least set the example for him . My siblings also looked at me like I had two heads ; praying for the " dragon grandma " to feel better ? What was wrong with me , they wondered . After we finished our dinner ( In the south , mid - day meals are called dinner ) , we cleared off the table and soon heard a knock on the door . It was the Doc , no doubt . Back then , you know , doctors made house calls , especially in little southern towns . Grandda went to let him in and said , " Thanks for coming , Doc . She 's in here in the bedroom . " They went in and shut the door . I decided we needed to look for that bottle , so we began a very quiet search of the living room , looking in every nook and cranny . It was hidden in the little end table near her rocking chair . It was a hexagonal shaped table with a door in one of the sides . I pulled it out and held it up to the light of the window . Yep ! Just like I thought . Our dear Grandma was a drinker of Scotch alcohol . It had a glass sitting next to the bottle . Marie picked it up and smelled it , then nodded her head . That was the smell . Pretty soon the door to the bedroom opened and they came out . Grandda had a strange look on his face . I couldn 't quite decipher it . I heard him whisper , " Cirrhosis of the liver ? ? ? How ? " Then he asked the Doc a question . " Is she gonna get better , Doc ? " The doctor just patted him on the back and said , " I 'm sorry , Shane , it 's too late . She might have a few weeks left . You just need to keep her as comfortable as you can . I 'm leaving some pain medication for her . It 's strange , the way she has this condition ; it 's usually related to people who drink alcohol to an excess , but I know you all are not drinkers . " He lifted his eyebrows as he looked at Grandda . Grandda shook his head , " No " and my siblings and I looked at one another . Either he didn 't know or was pretending not to know . I couldn 't be sure of which it was . The Doctor handed him a prescription and a box of medicine and left . " Grandda , " I said , " We need to tell you something . " " Not now , boy , not now . " He went back into the bedroom . Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy !

Becoming a single parent meant I got stuck with all the bills and only one income . I had to take care of the kids , so I got a second job working nights and weekends . After about six months of working some 16 - hour days and 7 days a week , I decided maybe I would try to get a roommate . I live in a college town , so I didn 't know how much luck I would have . There were plenty of vacancies in the paper , and I lived about 5 miles from campus , so the prospect of finding someone probably was slim . I got a couple of calls the first week the ad was in the paper , but I wouldn 't live with those people if I was single , let alone a single parent with two kids to raise . Finally , one Thursday night , the phone rang about seven . It was a woman who said she needed a place to stay right away , so I gave her directions . She made it over in about a half hour . I opened the door to find a woman in her late 30 's , slender , with dirty blonde hair tied back in a ponytail , and glasses . I let her in , and we sat down to talk . She said she had been in the Air Force , was married , and divorced , no kids , and had decided to go back to school to get her degree in nursing . She was living in an apartment with another female that was younger . She said things started going downhill when the other girl got a boyfriend , and he started hanging around the apartment , even when his girlfriend wasn 't there . He would smoke pot , and have his friends come over and get drunk . She said she didn 't feel comfortable anymore and was looking for a place . I had priced the rent low in order to maybe get someone in right away to help with expenses . That 's why I got so many deadbeats answering the ad . She said she could afford it maybe but with the long drive , it might be hard . She said she wanted to think about it . I told her why not consider having her eat here too with no extra charge . I figured if I had to cook dinner for two kids , another person wouldn 't be that much extra , and we just ate cereal for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch . I told her to just tell me what she liked and I would buy it . She agreed to try it for a month , and asked if she could spend the night since she didn 't want to go back to the apartment . I said sure , and let her sleep in what was the den , but would now be her room . I had put a door with a lock on it , so I let her in , showed her the bathroom , and then started to work on an agreement for us to sign in the morning . The agreement was simple , and included things like when the rent would be due , how much notice I wanted if she moved out , and how many people she could have over . I didn 't care if she had a boyfriend that maybe came by occasionally . I just didn 't want the same thing happening as happened to her , she get a boyfriend , and then I have to deal with him hanging around eating all my food , and doing something around my kids that I didn 't want in my home . She said she didn 't have a boyfriend , and needed to study hard to pass , so that wouldn 't be an issue . She did say she didn 't have any furniture , so I let her use the daybed , and I brought up some shelves from downstairs , a coffee table and a chair for her to use . She moved her clothes over that next day , and we settled in . As usual , with someone new , it was a bit awkward at first , but after a while , she became a member of the family . She got along real well with the kids , especially my daughter . She even cooked a meal on occasion when she had time , and she cleaned up her bathroom and room every week . I like to get up to drink some coffee in the morning and read the paper before the kids got up . She liked coffee too , so she would get up and get a cup before heading to the bathroom to get a shower and get ready for school . At first , we just said hi to each other , but one morning , I had spilled some coffee , and was cleaning it up when she came into the kitchen . I poured her a cup , and then patted her on the shoulder with my usual morning greeting . She smiled , and turned , and squeezed my arm and said good morning . After that , I would have a cup poured for her when I heard her get up . That usually got me a smile and a quick warm hug before she went up to the shower . One evening when I thought everyone was in bed , I just put on a pair of running shorts and headed downstairs to get a glass of water . I ran into her coming up the stairs to go to the bathroom . She had on a white , loose fitting t - shirt that just barely covered her panties . We greeted each other with surprise , and she slowly walked into the bathroom , and then turned to see me staring at her cute little butt . She closed the door slowly . I sat down at the kitchen table thinking about her when she came downstairs , and said hello . She sat across from me and we talked for a while . I really noticed how her smile came to her so easy when she talked to me , and she even had some cute little dimples . She still had on her contacts , and her hair was loose and falling down around her shoulders . After a bit , I noticed her nipples start to get hard through her t - shirt . Of course , if she could have seen my shorts , there was a bulge in the middle of them ! A couple days later , she came into the kitchen for her usual cup of coffee . She was later than usual , and I wondered why to myself ? She had on a robe that was loosely tied in front . I could see her bare chest , but not her breasts and nipples . She wasn 't a large breasted woman , which suited me just fine . I did get a glance at her panties . They were wet … . very wet . She turned to me and asked me if she could get a ride today . She said her car 's engine light was coming on the last few days , and I told her she shouldn 't drive it like that . I told her I could take a look at it tonight . I told her I would be glad to give her a ride since I worked right by the college and she could put her bike in the back of my truck and ride from my office . She smiled , and gave me a long hug then . Just as she was about to turn and go upstairs , she gave me a peck on the cheek and squeezed my arm . Then she was gone up the stairs . When it came time to leave , I put her bike in the back of the truck and she sat in the middle . I only have a standard cab pickup and I usually took my daughter to school on the way to work . My son rode his bike to the nearby high school . I dropped off my daughter and drove out of the parking lot . My new roommate made no attempt to slide over to the right side of the cab , and just sat there and smiled . I reached down to turn down the heat , and found myself holding hands with her . We got to my office , and she asked me what time would I be getting off . I told her 4 : 30 , and she said that would work out fine , her last class got out at 4 : 00 . I showed her where my spare key was in case she didn 't want to come into my office , and she said that would work . She gave me a big hug , and a kiss on the lips and left . Later that day , I found her sitting in my truck when it was time to leave . I usually work out every day at a gym on the way home . I asked if she wanted me to give her a ride home and go back to the gym , but she said no , she could sit in the lobby and study while I worked out . Today was my cardio day , so I gave her a hug , and headed to get changed . I went upstairs , got on the treadmill and started my 4 - mile run . After about a half hour , she got bored and came upstairs to look around . She walked up the stairs and saw the back of my butt working hard to run a fast pace . She leaned up against the wall and tried to imagine what it would be like to come over to me from behind , hit the stop button , and take me in her arms and kiss me hard . She thought about kissing the sweat off the back of my neck as she reach up in front of my shirt to grab my nipples and then scratch her nails down the front of my chest . She thought about how it would be if I turned around to kiss her , as her hands made their way down my chest to my shorts . She thought about pulling down my running gear , and getting on her knees to take my cock into her mouth … . I finished my run and stopped the treadmill . I turned to go get a towel to clean off the machine when I saw her standing there . She was staring straight at me , in sort of a daze . When she realized that I had stopped , she smiled and walked over to me , and gave me a quick kiss . I reached over and squeezed her butt , and then went and got a towel . We walked hand in hand downstairs to the front of the men 's room . She asked me if it would be all right to go warm up the truck while I took a shower . I told her sure , and she squeezed my hand , gave me a quick kiss , and headed out the door . When I finished my shower , I went out to the parking lot . That day I had parked in the back facing the street , so it was a bit of a walk to the truck . When I first saw her , I thought she was sleeping or resting because her head was leaned back against the driver side headrest . As I approached I noticed her eyes were closed , but her head made some movements . I got up to the door to open it , and looked in . She remained with her eyes closed and her head back . Her white blouse was open all the way , and un - tucked from her jeans . Her jacket was parted , and her bra was pushed up so her left hand could cup her right breast . With her forefinger and thumb , she was rubbing and pinching her nipple . Her jeans were unbuttoned and unzipped , and she had her right hand buried beneath her panties . I stood there enjoying the sight for a few moments when I heard some people walking to their car close to my truck . I unlocked the door and quickly got in . She sat up and looked at me with blinking eyes . Her hands remained where they were . I leaned over and kissed her . She responded by taking her hands and holding my face while she kissed me long and hard . Her tongue met mine , and we were instantly lost in the feeling of being with each other at last . I stopped and looked at her . Her right hand was wet from her pussy , and I took it with my left hand and started to lick her juices off each of her first two fingers . She kissed the other side of her hand and our tongues played with each other across her fingers . I reached down her panties , and touched her clit with my right two fingers . She reacted very quickly , grabbing my cock through my jeans and squeezing hard . She started to unbutton my jeans , and pull the zipper down . I told her to wait ; I wanted to go find a safer place to park . She heard me but continued what she was doing anyway . She pulled my cock out of my jeans , and started to finger the head of my cock with her fingers , first taking her forefinger and probing my hole and then my vein . I tried to concentrate as I backed out of the parking spot and drove through the parking lot until I came to the now deserted doctor 's offices . By now , she had her head down and was sucking the head of my cock and licking my shaft . I leaned back against the door , and she put all of me in her mouth and started to fuck me as hard as she could . She then decided she had enough of that , and grabbed my jeans and shorts and just about ripped them off of me ! She quickly made her way up my chest and licked my neck with her tongue as she grabbed my hard cock and started to fit it into her very wet hole . She whispered in my ear that she wanted me for so long and now she was going to fuck me like I 've never been done before . She mounted me with her hips and legs on either side as I slid down in the seat to make work of her pussy with my cock . I grabbed her butt , and squeezed her tight as she rocked and pumped me for all she was worth . She let out a loud scream and kissed me hard on my neck . I nibbled on her ear , and then grabbed a nipple with my mouth . I sucked on it hard , and played with the other , as her back got suddenly very firm . Her orgasm came on quick and her body shook all of a sudden . Her breathing got shallow and she quit kissing me long enough to let out several loud pants and lick her dry lips . She buried her head in my chest and shook even more now as the waves of an orgasm continued to send shivers through her spine . She panted with every breath , straining to get some oxygen . She looked up at me and then kissed my dry mouth with hers . She whispered in my ear to wait a minute before she would finish me off . I told her we should go back to the house before we got arrested , and she reluctantly agreed . She got off of me and sat next to me while holding my cock with both of her hands . She rubbed my cock until the pussy juices got dry in the warmth of the truck . She bent over and spit on the head of my cock , and then licked her saliva on down my shaft . She spit on me again and then stuck my cock in her mouth and started to fuck me . I prayed that I hit all the green lights on the two - mile drive home . When we got to the last light , it turned red ! She started to taste my pre - cum , so she bit the head of my cock and squeezed it hard with her thumb and forefinger . She had given me a hickey on the head of my cock ! She smiled and said she wanted me to wait to cum until we got home ! I smiled and stuck a finger back into her pussy as I made the turn to my house . I opened the garage door with the opener and drove straight in . The kids weren 't home , so we grabbed our clothes off the floor , and headed upstairs as the garage door closed behind us . We locked the door , and she proceeded to rip off my shirt . She got on her knees and scratched my balls with her fingernails and then my cock . She licked my head , and kissed my new hickey ! I laughed as she took me all in and made me good and hard again as she fucked me with her lips and tongue . I reached down and played with her nipples as she continued to suck me . When I was good and hard , she turned to get on the bed . I couldn 't resist , so I grabbed her butt , and shoved my cock inside her from behind . She got on to the bed , grabbed a pillow , and put it under her hips to give me a good shot at her very wet hole . I pumped her hard , and squeezed her nipples . She groaned and grabbed the edge of the bed just as another orgasm shot through her . This time I continued to pound her as she cried out OMG ! After a bit , she reached down , and started to play with my balls as I continued to grind my cock inside her . My orgasm came shortly after hers , and I wanted to pull out and spray it all over her back and butt . But her hole was right there , so I put the head of my cock against it and shot cum into her butt . It felt good to her , so she reached back and spread her cheeks for my cock and pushed her hips and butt towards me . I pushed my way in , lubricated by my own cum . I stayed hard long enough to give her some fun , and she rocked her hips to my motion . I reached around and stuck my finger on her wet clit , and played with her pussy . I finally pulled out of her , and rolled over on to the bed . She snuggled next to me and I stroked her hair as she played with my chest and nipples with her fingernails . We enjoyed the feeling of being with each other as we kissed and fondled each other . I finally looked down and asked her if she wanted to go take a hot tub . She agreed , so I got up and turned on the water to fill up the tub . We took a shower while it filled , and I washed her beautiful body , taking my time to play with her breasts and nipples . I got on my knees as I washed and then played with her pussy with my mouth and fingers . We finally made it over to the hot tub . We were both aroused and started to play with each other again . I eventually lifted her out of the tub to sit on the edge . I licked my way down her thighs , and then buried my head between her legs . She grabbed my hair , and pulled me into her even more . I fingered her pussy , and licked her clit as she put her legs over my shoulders . She told me how good that made her feel … I had to interview some new candidates for my personnel assistant position , and none of them stood out . Yesterday was the worst . I had to interview five people , and they all just bored me to death . It was after 2 p . m . and I was sitting alone at my desk , waiting for the next person . She was supposed to be in her early 30 's . She had been a personal assistant for five years to the director of some major corporation , and she was looking to work closer to home . I asked her if she had ever done any modeling . She said she had mostly just local print ads . I asked her if she ever had any desire to do anymore , and she said " yes " . I reached up , and slowly unzipped the back of her dress . She straightened up , and gave her hips a little wiggle . Her dress fell to the floor . She had on a lace thong and bra that matched . The bra was very thin lace and I could just about see her nipples . The thong was equally thin , and I could tell she had a shaved pussy . She walked over , and pushed my chair around so I faced her . She bent over and took her hands and started to rub my cock through my pants . I said , " Can you act like a little slut for me ? " She rubbed her nipples with her fingers , and pinched each one . She cupped her hands beneath each one and squeezed them . She walked over to me , and shoved one nipple at a time toward my face . I stuck out my tongue , and licked each one . She grabbed her chair and moved it in front of me . She put each of her feet on my chair and slid back in the chair so I got a real good look at her wet pussy lips . She spread her legs , and then her pussy lips with each hand . She proceeded to finger her clit . Finally , she quivered all over , and let out a series of loud moans . She finally rolled her head to one side , and her fingers stopped playing with her cunt . She just stared at me with a slight smile . Finally , she had me right where she wanted me . My cock started to drip pre - cum . She pulled her mouth off of me , and bit the end of my cock to keep me from cumming . She smiled , got up off her knees , and went to the bathroom to get a hot , wet towel . She returned , and had me stand next to my desk . She gently put the hot towel around my balls , and then played with my cock some more . She got on her knees and sucked on my cock and made it nice and hard . She then lathered up my balls and body around my cock and proceeded to gently shave off my pubic hair . It felt good ! I proceeded to grind my cock deep inside her . I pounded her hard against the chair . She let out a little moan . She wrapped her legs tighter around me . I erupted deep inside her . My cock filled her with my cum . I kept pounding her to make us both feel good . Her orgasm lasted longer than mine , but it felt so good to make her cum . We both fell into each other 's arms after we finished . I held her tight , and kissed her lips and forehead . I played with her hair , and I loved the smell of her perfume . My friend always loved to wear something from Victoria 's Secret . She looked absolutely gorgeous in anything she bought from there . She also knew how much I loved to see her wear it too . For me , it was usually something very sexy , and very revealing . We also had the rule that if she didn 't like it much , she could use a sort of code word to tell me when she was going to wear it . She would put it on , get me all horny , and then say , " Baby , I just need you to rape me tonight ! " She put her arm around my neck , and kissed me on the ear . She rubbed her finger along the side of my earlobe , knowing full well that sent a tingle down my crotch . She unbuttoned her coat , and moved it aside . She was wearing the item I bought for her birthday . It was a white , embroidered eyelet baby doll . The top was see through , and the white panties were just enough material to cover her . The lace ties went over her hips to the back along the cheeks of her butt . Frustrated , and horny , I went back to the car . I opened the door , and pulled her out by her wrist . " Come with me ! " I said . She followed me down to the riverbank by the edge of the shopping mall . I swept her up in my arms like I was carrying her over a threshold . She had on sandals , and I didn 't want her to twist an ankle . I wrapped my arm around her butt , and held her close . She smiled into my eyes . She knew I was a little crazy at the moment . Her eyes twinkled at the thought of what I was going to do to her ! I reached down and grabbed the top of the baby doll . The material is made to be soft , and gentle on a woman 's skin . Her nipples stared back at me through the material . I ripped it in half with one pull . She stopped sucking on my cock and stared into my face with her eyes . They were wide with surprise at the fact she was suddenly exposed to nature . She didn 't say a word … . My rock hard cock was right there , and I quickly took it and mounted her . It felt so good to be inside her after the long week , and I was so hard and ready I could not wait . It felt so soft , and warm , and oh so nice to have my cock inside her . She let out a loud moan , and kissed me hard . I reached down and pinched a nipple , and then grabbed her ass to pull her toward me . I could feel her dripping wet pussy with my fingers , and I moved them around her naked crack of her ass . Her back arched , and she started to cum . All of her body held on to me now , letting the orgasm spread across her pussy and hips and down her butt and legs , to her stomach and chest . Her whole body was shaking and it felt good beneath me ! I loved having my cock inside her when she came ; the sensations of what she was experiencing were translated to me through her . I erupted inside her , my cum spreading inside her pussy and making it soft and warm . It must have been a load , because when I came she shook even more . I kept pumping her to keep the feeling in my groin and hers . Her orgasm lasted longer than mine , but I got to feel hers too ! I held her tight , letting her breathing settle down and her heart rate slow . I looked around to see where I tossed the baby doll outfit . It looked like I had torn it off of her and threw it over my shoulder . I hoped no one saw us , as it might have appeared that I was actually raping her at that moment ! I pulled out of her , and took the baby doll and attempted to wipe both of us off with it . I then wrapped the coat tightly around her body . She shivered a little at the cool air and the remaining moisture between her legs . I picked her up again , and kissed her before carrying her back across the rocks . Somewhere on the way down we lost a slipper and could not find it in the dark ! I drove home with her arm wrapped around my neck . She opened the coat a little to just give me some of a tease again . She knew we would continue again , and wanted to let me have some fun looking at her ! We got home and folded open the day bed downstairs near the fireplace . We went upstairs and took a shower together , taking our time to kiss , and touch each other in all the right places . I loved washing her skin , and kissing it afterward . I took extra time with washing her nipples and breasts , and then got on my knees and took special care of her pussy ! We dried each other off , and then headed downstairs . The pizza was cold , so we heated it up in the microwave and I started a fire in our gas fireplace . We snuggled on the day bed , and fed each other while we were naked . She loved to take a mouthful of pizza that was warm , and then suck on my cock with it still in her mouth ! It was hot . It was late . Everyone in the house was asleep but her . No matter how hard she tried , she couldn 't talk herself into going to sleep . She got up . She put on that flannel shirt that only seemed to have one button that fastened near her belly button . She had it hidden in the bottom of the dresser and only put it on when she wanted to feel sexy . A boy she knew in high school had left it under her bed one day when he had to make a quick exit out of the window before her Mom caught them . She had cut off the sleeves because they were too long . It brought her mind back to a time when sex was fun , and carefree . Her husband hadn 't touched her in a month because of the usual reasons , too tired or too much to drink or both . She slipped into some flip - flops and made her way downstairs . She grabbed a diet coke out of the fridge and stepped out on to the back porch . It was cooler there . She longed to be free of this , this life that felt like a prison sometimes . She thought of taking a drive , so she grabbed the keys off the shelf , and got into the car . No matter that she only had on a flannel shirt and flip - flops she thought , it was 2 a . m . , who would notice ? She started the car , and backed it out of the garage and headed for the hills . She turned on the fan full blast , and aimed one vent toward her nipples and the other at her pussy . The air felt sensual against her skin , and made her aroused . As she made her way to the turn off to Poudre Canyon , she thought maybe she would have to pull over and finish herself off as the stream of air had made her very horny . She laughed to herself at the thought of how long that would take … . maybe two minutes once she touched herself ? She was lost in the mood of being aroused for so long as she made the turns up the canyon . The air from the vents felt cooler now , as she got further up the pass . In her state of mind , she failed to notice how fast she was going as she rounded a curve and saw the car . " God , I hope that is not a cop " she thought as she slowed her car down with a touch of the brakes . The car turned on its lights and pulled on to the road behind her . She knew she was had the moment the flashing lights appeared in the rear view mirror . It must have been an unmarked police car , because the flashing light was on the dash . The sense of arousal quickly turned to panic as she looked for a place to pull over . All she could see was the guardrail and the canyon wall . Suddenly she noticed the dirt road , and she pulled into it . In her haste , she thought maybe she went too far down the road before coming to a stop . She hoped the cop wasn 't pissed for taking too long to stop . She reached for the glove box and cursed the fact she had taken the extra blanket out of the back seat to wash it just last week . She wondered what the cop would do when he found her with practically no clothes on and no license . She rolled down the window as the cop approached with his flashlight . He said , " I need to see your license and …… . " . He stopped short as his brain started to realize what his eyes were seeing . She turned to face him , but all she could see was the flashlight and his crotch . He took the registration and said he would be right back . She thought of what she was going to say as he approached the car again . " You 'll have to step out of the car and put your hands on the hood " he said . He grabbed the door handle and helped her out . The flashlight blinded her as she stepped out of the car on to the gravel road . The air was cooler here , but not that cool she thought . She put her hands on the hood as he looked in the car with his flashlight . It stopped on her seat as he noticed the fresh cum that had dripped out of her . He stepped back behind her , as her breathing got shallow . She said impatiently , " Are you going to search me ? " Curiously , he answered , " If you want me to ? " She could feel his breath on her neck as he stepped closer . She could smell his after - shave , and then his hands touched her hair as she stopped breathing for what seemed like an hour . His hands made their way down her shoulders , and across her sides , and then down to her butt . The fingers slowly made their way up under her shirt , touching her back very slightly . His fingers cupped each breast , as he moved in closer . There was no mistaken the bulge in his pants now as each hand began to play with a nipple . Gradually , his right hand made its way down her stomach and touched her thigh . Instinctively , she moved her legs apart a little bit , as his fingers found her vulva . She gasped as his fingers made their way up one side of her pussy lips , and down the other . His fingers found her clit and started to rub , ever so slightly . She barely could talk as she said something like , " Have you found what you 're looking for ? " " Not yet " he said as he pushed one , then another finger inside her . He started to move them in and out as the other hand tugged a little harder on a nipple . She started to moan , as it felt so good to be touched again . She suddenly could not take it anymore , and turned around and put her arms around his neck and kissed him hard . His hands were all over her now , touching her , as she hadn 't been touched in a long time ! Each of their tongues and lips met , and they kissed each other with passion . Her hands worked hard as she tore off the buttons on his shirt , pulling it out of his pants . The belt buckle and zipper seemed caught on the huge bulge that she was dying to get her hands , and then her mouth on . She got on her knees as her hands pulled on his balls as she took all of him deep into her throat . He began to moan as he enjoyed the pleasure she was giving him . She tasted some pre - cum and thought he was about to explode in her mouth when suddenly he grabbed her under her arms and practically threw her on to the hood of the car . He quickly buried his face between her legs as his tongue found its way inside her now very warm and very wet pussy . She enjoyed the pleasure he was giving her in return as she leaned back against the warm hood of the car . She started to feel the orgasm as she rose up and grabbed him by his ears . Their lips met each other , as she tasted the sex from each other as he shoved his stiff , hard cock inside her . They both made love to each other so hard she thought the hood would have a dent in it the next morning . Suddenly , her knees began to shake , and her pussy began to quiver . The surge of adrenalin shot up her whole body as the orgasm overtook her senses . She cried out as the waves of pleasure seemed to pass over her body as the orgasm continued . He stopped and kissed her on the neck as she panted and cried . Then he kissed her hard , and made her roll over as he mounted her again . She reached up and grabbed the hood of the car just below the window . Her face made an imprint on the windshield as he pounded her harder with each stroke . He seemed to know just how to work her as his cock found her G - spot and the pleasure began to well up inside her again . She was already groaning and panting when the next waveSuddenly , she felt his finger as it began to probe her anus . She couldn 't believe it , but it felt like he was putting something on his finger each time it entered her . Gently at first , then deeper and deeper . She thought to herself , " If I 'm going to get fucked on the side of the road by a cop , he might as well use all of me ! " His probing continued as he continued to fuck her pussy . The pleasure she got seemed different , new , and even exciting . She did not want it to stop . She felt him stop fucking her , and then he put the head of his cock against her butt . She felt him slide gently inside her butt hole , and then she felt his fingers on her clit . It aroused her again as his thrusts gradually got stronger . She wished the full , thick cock that gave her pussy so much pleasure wasn 't quite as big as before , but she shifted her weight , relaxed , and enjoyed this new felt pleasure . He suddenly gasped , and she felt his cock begin to pulsate . She knew he was cumming inside her and she almost wished she had her mouth around his cock so she could taste the warm , hot cum going down her throat . He shook for a while and then lay on top of her as his breathing got slower . He pulled himself out of her and stepped down on the ground . She lay there helplessly , unable to move as he walked away . She wondered who would find her sprawled out on the top of the hood of the car like this . She then heard his footsteps coming closer to her . She looked up to see his smile as he gently helped her off the hood and on to the ground . He handed her some towellets as he wiped cum off the hood . She thought to herself , " That must be a guy thing ? ? ? " and smiled at him . He grabbed her by the arm and kissed her hard as she put her arms around his neck . After a long kiss , she looked at him , and asked , " Well , am I going to get a ticket ? " He laughed , and grabbed her butt and then slid his arm around her as he walked her back to her door . He kissed her and held her in his arms for the longest time . He loved the smell of her hair , and had thoughts to himself that he will still smell her hair , her perfume , and taste her skin each time he took a breath today . The cop said to her , " You better get back before someone misses you ! " He wiped a tear from her face as she kissed him again . He helped her into the seat , and shut the door behind her . He leaned in and kissed her , and touched her hair one last time . The cop looked at her , smiled , and said , " Drive safe and slow babe , I wouldn 't want you to get stopped for speeding ! " Posted by I had visions of playing with a very soft , very sweet , and very shiny pussy for the evening ! ! ! So , I agreed to drive Cathy over to the place where Cathy got waxed . Cathy invited me in , and I thought I would be sitting in the waiting room until she got herself done , but the lady behind the counter told me I could come in with her , so I said eagerly , " OK ! " We went inside the room , and Cathy took off her shorts and panties , and I stood behind her . Cathy has great looking legs that she keeps very fit by working out , and her whole body is really fit and toned . I stood behind Cathy and kissed her gently on the earlobes and on her neck . Julie got her supplies together , and smiled at us . She prepared Cathy 's pussy by washing it in warm water and soap , and then applied some shaving cream . I started to get turned on by watching this , so I started rubbing under Cathy 's shirt , and put my hands up and unbuttoned Cathy 's bra and started to play with her nipples . Julie proceeded to wax Cathy 's pussy while I played with Cathy 's very erect nipples . Cathy moaned with pleasure at what was being done to her . Julie lingered a little while longer than necessary I thought while she was waxing Cathy . She even stuck a finger on Cathy 's pussy lips , and rubbed them gently . Cathy smiled and said , " That feels good ! " So , Julie proceeded to get more supplies while Cathy helped me take off my jeans and underwear . Cathy wanted me to keep going , so she took off my shirt as well . When Julie returned , she smiled and licked her lips at the sight of my bulging cock staring at her . Cathy said , " I 'll do that ! " And bent over and started playing with my cock and balls ! Of course , there was little need to do so , since the whole process was a huge turn on for me . Before I knew it , Julie bent over and started licking my balls and shaft with Cathy , and then both of them kissed my cock , and then each other . Cathy now had her hand on Julie 's butt , and was rubbing her all over . I leaned over and took Julie 's shorts and pulled them off . Her panties were soaking wet , and I gave them a quick tug and off they came . Cathy got on her knees facing Julie , and licked her pussy while Julie started to shave my cock . It felt good to have her warm hands wrapped around my cock , and I closed my eyes and hoped with everything that was going on ; Julie would have a steady hand . Every once in awhile , Julie would bend over and suck on the tip of my cock , and run her tongue across my hole , and under her tongue . She was very masterful at it ! ! ! Finally , Julie finished up with me , and wiped off the shaving cream , and washed my cock and balls . She gave me a long , hard kiss . She then stood up , and made Cathy go over to the couch and lay on top of her with Cathy 's head between her legs . She started to play with Cathy 's pussy and fuck Cathy with her tongue . Not wanting to miss out on the action , I reached in my pocket of my jeans and pulled out the vibrating cock ring we had picked out earlier that day . I put it on , and started to lick up the pussy juice that was dripping out of Cathy on to Julie 's face . I spread Cathy 's cunt and inserted my cock deep inside Cathy . Julie continued to lick Cathy 's pussy as I stroked Cathy with my cock . As I got into a rhythm , Julie would lick my cock as I was coming out on each stroke . I reached down and turned on the vibrator part of the cock ring . Cathy 's back arched immediately as the sensations that Cathy loved so much made her pussy ache . I pumped Cathy harder and Cathy 's whole body started to shake with the orgasm . Cathy screamed with sheer joy at what was going on between her legs ! ! ! ! Cathy got off of Julie , and took her by the hand . She was almost limp from all the sex . Cathy grabbed her by the waist , and shoved her down on to my cock ! I buried my cock deep into her throbbing wet pussy . I turned the vibrator back on , and we both played with Julie 's body while she rocked up and down on my cock . I bit her nipple a little to make her back off on the sensations , but it drove her over the edge . Her body and pussy started to shake , and her hands gripped the back of my head and pushed it hard against her nipple . Cathy continued to work her ass with the vibrator . " I 'm not done with you yet ! " Cathy whispered in my ear . Cathy turned around and grabbed the head of my cock , and inserted it into her ass . Cathy squirmed a little bit as I worked my way in , but once inside , Cathy felt so good she let out a little cry . Julie got up off the couch and took the vibrator Cathy used on her and cleaned it off . She walked over to Cathy and turned it on , and rubbed it gently across Cathy 's nipples and breasts , and then down towards Cathy 's pussy . She rubbed it against Cathy 's cunt and pussy lips , and then slowly inserted it inside Cathy . She began to kiss Cathy again , and lick Cathy 's face and nipples as I played with them from behind . Cathy then went limp . Julie and I cleaned Cathy up , got Cathy dressed and I almost carried her out to my truck with my arm around her waist . I put Cathy in the front seat beside me , and Cathy laid her head on my shoulder . I kissed Cathy lightly on the cheek , and she held my hand . I reached around Cathy and put my arm around her . Cathy snuggled close to me , and let out a loud sigh .

Last year when I started my no spending diet I had no idea where this would take me . I had hoped that it would put some extra money in my pocket and really make me think about every purchase . Now that I am on this diet I am seeing the fruits of my labor . When we had to replace the engine in Rusty 's truck , we had the money . We do have the money in savings to fix my car but we have decided to wait and take it out of a pay check instead of dipping into our savings . Now I do think about every single purchase that I make . Yesterday I had pulled out a London broil . I could not figure out what to do with it , so I jumped on line and found a beef stew that could be made in the crock pot . The price of beef has done through the roof , so I decided to use only half of the London broil , and just add a ton of veggi 's . I used all the veggi 's that I had , even if I was not following the directions . Everyone loved it and there was nothing left over ! Oh sure I have splurged a few times , but not as often as I use to . It is nice to have that extra money sitting in my bank account . Yesterday the high school called me to inform me that my girls friend 's son was injured and need to go to the hospital . So I go and pick him up and and I am looking at his finger . It just looked bad . Every joint in one finger was out of socket . It was just gross ! I am trying to figure out a way to send three children to magic mountain for christian day . The tickets are $ 30 each and I want to give each of them $ 30 spending money . I could just hand over the money , but I don 't want to do that . I don 't want to find a way to make the money , and not take from our personal account . I have until the end of April to figure all of this out . I can do it . I know I can . My experiment with the girls cleaning the house is working out very well . Tomorrow they switch . I think this has been good for them because now they are seeing how much work goes into keeping the house clean . Ryan brought home a field trip form and his class is going to Sea World this year . I am glad thatsober white women Saturday was so awesome ! A bunch of us headed down to the lake for some much need sun and fun . The water was freezing cold , but it also felt good to get in the lake and swim . Saturday all of us including the marines went to the see the play Beauty and the beast . One of Nikki 's friends was in the play , so we all decided that it would be a great evening out , and it was ! The cast did such an awesome job . I have not been to a play in a while , but it is something that I love . Ryan is really enjoyed himself as well . It is hit or miss with Ryan , so I was glad to see him having a blast . Sunday just sucked ! I argued with Amber . She is on my last nerve . I found out that she was going to get her nose pierced . Now normally that would not bother me , but I just came unglued . O . K . Amber lets recap all of this . I am paying your phone bill , your car insurance , your college , your cable , your car registration , and most of all you live here for free ! Does this child honestly think that a nose ring is going to help her get a job ? Sometimes I think Amber is really pushing me , but I am to the point where I am ready to throw her ass out into the real world . Amber need to go back to the rich family that once had her . Amber is to good to work fast food , or go around ask people for work . Heck even Nikki asked if she could take down our recycling just so she could pay her phone bill . Amber won 't even do that ! Oh this child of mine . Rusty got on my last nerve as well . The tanning bed was acting up so I asked Rusty if he would fix it again . The answer was no because he did not want to put any more money into it . I said a few things that I should not have said , and then I went and listed the tanning bed on craigslist . Some people came and got it . I started cleaning up the garage . I was out there working out some anger when Rusty comes out to help . I really did not want help . I just wanted to be left alone to work out some anger issues . I can 't figure out why when something is important to Rusty we have the money for it , but when it comes to mePosted by We seem to have a ton of pill bottles around , so I went on the hunt for some of the best ways to reuse them . I hope that you guys find at least one ides for all your old pill bottles and as always leave me your idea ! 1 . The easiest way to reuse pill bottles is to store household odds n ' ends in them , such as nails , nuts and bolts , thumbtacks , or paperclips . Organize your kitchen " junk drawer " this way , and write the items ' names on the outside of the bottle . 2 . When traveling , store only the vitamins and supplements you 'll need during your trip in an empty pill bottle . You won 't have to take along a the whole container for each supplement , thereby saving room in your luggage for souvenirs . 3 . Make a goofy , ironic Christmas tree ornament ( or several ) out of empty pill bottles : carefully punch a hole in the lid of the bottle with an awl or icepick , then thread a loop of twine , ribbon , or fishing line through the hole and knot it on the inside . Replace the cap on the bottle . Quite a statement about holiday stress , no ? 4 . Give a basket of pill bottle filled with different candies to friends on their " milestone " birthdays - - 30 , 40 or 50 . Be sure to remove the original labels ( see step 1 ) and replace with homemade labels - - such as " Over the Hill Pills . " You could even make a birthday card resembling a prescription pad to go with the theme . 5 . Make a baby 's rattle by filling an empty pill bottle with a few dried beans . Just be sure to glue the lid on the bottle so the child cannot open the rattle . 6 . Store your spices in a collection of empty pill bottles , and write the name of the spice on the lid . This is a great solution for storing herbs that you have grown and dried yourself . You could even build or purchase a wall - mounted spice rack to display your collection . 7 . use them to start your seeds in . 8 . glue the cap on and make a cat toy out of them . If your cat is like our cat 's they will play with anything ! 9 . Use them as coin holders . I am going to have to put on in my laundry room and in my daughters car ! We always haPosted by Years ago my mother in law made me a red velvet cake . I had never had one before . I never even heard of them . I mentioned this cake to my mom and she said that she had not had one in many years . Hmmm . I have found the boxed version of this cake and I have made it a few times , but for me a red velvet cake is a special treat . A few weekends ago when we were at Chili 's I saw that they had a red velvet cake . So I ordered it . It cam in a shot glass . A shot glass ! That is not even worth getting the milk out for . So last night one of the marines said " Hey mom I got you something . " I look in the box and there it was , a red velvet cake . I just had a slice of it and the memories started flooding back . Not much happened at the doctors yesterday . I have to go in for another ultrasound and then the doctors will compare the two , and we will go from there . This all sounds so easy . Just get the surgery , but it is not that easy for us . Rusty does not want me to have the surgery because his mother died on the table during a routine surgery . Then there is the question of do I trust the doctors . . . no . Then I have to make sure to tell the girls to not tell my mother until after the fact . My mother wants to come out , but that would mean that she would be bringing hell child and none of us want that . Then there is the question , if they are not getting bigger and they are not bothering me do I roll the dice and hope it stays that way ? So many questions , and only Rusty and I can answer them . Tomorrow I am heading out to the desert with Rusty . He has to go out to another base to deliver some stuff and he asked me to go with him . I love spending time with Rusty . Today was much the same . I got some cleaning done . I laid out in the sun for a while , and my last load of laundry is in the dryer right now . I also found out that Nikki has to have all four wisdom teeth cut out next month . Oh what a joy that will be . My ex has stopped paying his child support again , so now I am going to have to really look at our budget and see if we can afford a nPosted by Well it has been very interesting around here . Last night one of our friends left , so she could finish her trip to Oregon , but not without drama . Our friend adopted one of my foster kittens about two years ago and she named him Mr . Fluffy . I love seeing Mr . Fluffy , but I am sad to say that someone injured him . We do not know who , but we do know how . Someone slammed his tail in the door and they injured it enough that the bone is now exposed . On Friday Beth is going to have part of his tail amputated . I can 't believe someone would do that and then not own up to it . Sometimes people suck . I also found out yesterday that a dear friend will not be coming back . I have mentioned her before , She is the one that I help pack up . Yep , she is finally sick of her husband and has had enough . I can 't blame her . I am just mad that I will not be able to hold that baby for a very long time . Guy 's can be such jerks . Today I am going in to get my referrals and start the process of seeing what the heck we are going to do about my insides . If we do anything . I have not made any decisions and I won 't until I see the results of a new ct scan and compare them to the old ones . So today is the first step for me . Today I don 't really have a lot going on . I have laundry to do , but that is normal . I have a doctors appointment and then after that I think I am just going to chill and read a book . Did those words come out of my mouth ? I am not a reader . Never have been , but I am reading a book called forever Lily . It is about a ladies journey to adopt a child from China . I am so there in China with here ! I do need to read more , but I have a very hard time finding books that hold my interest . I talked to one of my uncles yesterday . I called him and asked him if he would like some pictures of him when he was little . I goofed big time . The other boy in the picture with my dad was not that uncle but another uncle . Oh well . My uncle asked me how my mom was doing . I just let out a big sigh . I gave him a brief run down of how he was doing . Then he asksober white women I made a huge mistake yesterday . I spoke to my mother . She actually called to talk to Ryan , Because Ryan turned 14 yesterday . I made the mistake of actually talking to my mother . I heard all about how hard her life is , and how much she needed a vacation . She did put off her vacation to Mexico until the child from hell was on spring break . Please mother tell how hard is your life ? Have you ever looked behind yourself to see all the destruction that you have caused ? Have you ever wondered why people run from you ? O . K . lets see in the last month you have taken everything from my brother in law . Everything . I sit and wonder why ? What gives you the right to walk into peoples lives and just tear them apart so that you can have your way ? Please mother tell me how hard your life is as you run away to Mexico for a much needed vacation . Please give me a vivid description of the sunset . Please keep whining to me about you not going on a vacation in 6 months . Maybe I will be able dig deep down in my sympathy jar and find some for you . I doubt that will happen since I have not had a no shit vacation in over 19 years . Rusty and I just planned a night out , and Nikki is bitching because it is the day after her birthday . My sympathy jar is empty . Please mother , tell me , how do sleep at night , knowing that you still choose between your grandchildren . Please tell me how it feels to have your other grandchildren so badly want to to go on a vacation , and you don 't even offer to take them . How does it feel to slowly be isolating your own grandchildren ? Please mother let me paint you a picture . See that red spot ? That is my from my head banging against the wall , just hoping that you would love me . The green is for all the money that you are now trying to throw at me . Do you really think money is going to stop the hurt ? Dark blue is color I have turned by biting my lips so many times . So many times I said nothing because I did not feel it was my place . Purple is the color I wear for mourning . Mourning the loss of a mother , because I am finallPosted by Yep . I picked him up last night . Rusty and I took him out to dinner and I told the waitress to just keep their drinks coming . Rusty and the marine had so much to talk about . Me ? I sat there with a napkin up my nose because for some reason it started bleeding ! Yesterday a group of marines showed up . I am not sure why . I think some of them are on leave but whatever , here they are in the middle on the week . Yesterday we also had a friend from Il . come in . Man it is so great to see her . I need more girlfriends . O . K . I need more real life friends . I need to go out to the fall 's . Yesterday a group of people went out there and they said that the water is starting to slow down . I need to go get pictures . I will add that to my to do list today . So I am now on facebook and I have found a few friends from way back when . I even talked to one of them on the phone . O . K . the truth is he was my first boyfriend . I actually talked to him on the phone yesterday . It was kinda creepy how much we have or had in common . He sold drugs . I did drugs . We were both in Hawaii at the same time . It is just strange . I swear Amber does not know how good she has it . Amber has a roof over her head and food on her table . I pay for her to go to college , and I don 't care that she wants to major in yoga ! I am paying all of her bills . So what does Amber do yesterday ? She turns down a job interview . I chewed her ass . She is going in today . I also chewed Ambers boyfriends ass out yesterday . I found out that he had been pinching her so hard that he will leaving bruises on her . I put a stop to that . I reminded him that I have a . 22 and that if he ever lays a hand her except to love her , that I will hunt him down . We now have an understanding . Life is good . Last night I answer the phone . me : helloGreg : Mom I am here on the east coast . me : oh my God you are home ! Greg : yep I will be California tomorrow , will you come get me ? me : you don 't have to ask . I will be there . I must warn you . I may hug you to death . Greg : That 's fine . Me : hey a bunch of us are going body surfing on Friday do you want to come ? Greg : you want my paste white body on the beach ? Me : hey if I can take my white bum to the beach so can you . Greg : its a date It is funny how fast life can change . Friday is Ryans birthday , so the girls and I were going to surprise hm and pick him up from school and take him down to the ocean . I cant wait to go body surfing ! I know I will be sore on Saturday , but hey , I have pain pills . You only live once , so why not . Yesterday I told Rusty that I wanted to get another ct scan , and that I have been thinking a lot about the surgery . I don 't want it , but I also don 't want to die because I was to stubborn to get the surgery . Rusty so does not want me to have the surgery . I asked him if I did have it if he would be there when I woke up . He just kissed and said you know I will . Yesterday I wanted hot pig sex , it turns out I got something better . I got to feel my husbands tender side . The side that says I love you more then I have ever loved anything else . Sometimes a girl just needs to know that she is loved that much . I asked Rusty if someone was cutting my hair while I was sleeping . I just got that look . The look that says you ask the strangest questions . I swear my hair is getting shorter . I want my hair to reach my bum . While I was growing up I use to hate my hair , and mom always made me keep it short . Now I am not cutting it and I am tyring to see how long it will get . My phone is charging , I have the camera ready , so I need to get into a tub and get dressed . I am sitting on go , just waiting for the call that says I will there at this time . Life is good . Posted by I actually took the time to do my hair today . Now I am wondering why . We are in such a marriage rut . Now the last time I said I was in a marriage rut I was gluing tea cup to saucers and wearing my dead dad ties . I am married I should see my husband more then a few hours a day . I should be having sex all the time ! I want hot nasty pig sex . I want to wake up the next morning and wonder how we chocolate on the ceiling ! And yes that has really happened . It is St . Patty 's day . I am so missing my dad . My dad use to play Irish music for us . Does anyone remember the unicorn song ? I love that song . I think my whole life is in rut . I want to laugh until I cry . I want to push my limits . I want to do something that will scare me . I want to run away to the ocean and look for sand dollars . Instead I am sitting here blogging . Rusty has promised me that he will put a new radiator in my car this weekend . Then I will more freedom to go do stuff . I was not meant to live a life routine . I was born to be the one who pushes the limits . I have not fired my . 22 . I am thinking I will head down to base and go shooting . I will have to wait until this weekend and make sure that all of the boy 's go with me . I want to remind them that I am still a good shot . Three of the marines are on their way out . The one that just got home wants to do a rapid redeployment . What is up with these boys ? I know that war is what boys do and old men talk about . I know that It is their job . I am just so sick of this damn war . Every time the boys leave we roll the dice and they come home . I fear that my luck will run out . I fear that their future wives will lay in bed and wonder if this damn ptsd will ever get better . I hate the marine corps and I hate this damn war . However I know without these brave young men I would not have any of the freedoms that I have today . I would love to have all boys here at one time . I want to walk up to them one by one and give them a kiss . Even if I am having a pity party for one . I still have a great life and I know that . Life is good . I love this picture of me , but the other day when I was looking at I realized that the hat I am wearing got crushed in a move . I need to go find my a new floppy hat . I am thinking the bigger and floppier the better . I have to go to wal crap today so I will start there . I got up this morning and realized that half the light bulb in my kitchen were out . I am standing with coffee in hand looking at my ceiling . I don 't think I can reach those bulbs . I could put it on Rusty 's to do list , but we may end up eating by flashlight for several months . I guess I am just going to have to get the ladder out and try standing on the step that says it is not a step . I will also have to come up with a real good story in case I fall . One of the marines asked me if I bought in Nitrogen to help my corn grow . Well , no I did not . That got me to wondering . Nitrogen was used in the Oklahoma city bombing , so if I walk into a feed store and ask for some will that send up a red flag ? I have always wanted to be involved in an investigation . I am really struggling with Nikki 's trips this year . See on one hand I want her to go and have a good time and explore the world . However one of the trips she wants to take is to Mexico . Hello they are sending American heads back . My husband is selling the body armour and guns . I guess my fear is that my husband and the marines would start another war because something happened to Nikki . I am very open minded , but I have to wonder if I am to open minded sometimes . It is finally warming up here . I would guess that in another month the lake will be warm enough to get in . I am looking forward to spending a lot of time on the lake . Right now I can hear people out there boating . I love the water ! I have been trying to get some quilts done because I just found that three marines are deploying soon . I am thinking that I am going to have to give up quilting for them and go to tie blankets . I am just amazed at many of my boy 's are deploying . I would like to ask the universe why I was placed around all military . Why doesPosted by Oh if this is not the truth then I don 't know what is ! My full maiden name is Kelli Eileen McMahan , and my father was first generation U . S . citizen ! I can 't get to much more Irish . However I am also a really bad Irish person . You will never see me eat corn beef , I don 't like beer , and I will only eat potatoes a few times a year and they have to be cooked the exact way I like them . Rusty went and checked the mail today . Yep , we have to walk to check our mail , therefore I don 't usually check it . Well . . . . Rusty hands me this huge envelope from social services . Inside are all of my medical bill and a letter saying that I have been approved for medi cal for the next seven months and that all of my past due bills were paid ! I am going to take full advantage of all of this . I am going to go get new glasses , and I am going to go see all the doctors that I have been needing to see . I am going to use our tax dollars to the extreme . I want another c . t . scan done . I don 't believe that my tumors are as big as everyone originally said . I don 't believe that they are there at all . Rusty does not want me to have surgery . Rusty said if anything happened to me he would have to kill everyone that was in the O . R . Rusty 's mom went in for routine surgery and ended up dieing on the table , so he is very scared that something like that will happen to me . Yesterday Nikki got her first corp [ orate sponsor for her mission trip ! Nikki is now $ 200 closer to her goal . I am so proud of her for getting out there and doing what she needs to do . Yesterday I took one of the marines over to Nikki 's other parents house ( deb and poppi ) . The marine said I need to work on my Spanish because I will be going home , and I don 't want my mom to wonder what happened to me . The marine said that he had the best time just sitting around speaking Spanish and being fed . That is something that I don 't understand . Mexican people feed you . But the marine felt at home and said that this is one house that he will visit often . I am so glad that he connected with other peopPosted by Well . I was having a good day . I got a lot of sewing done , took a walk and just goofed off . My brother in law called me . We have been playing phone tag all week . Well . It seems that my mom has finally lost her mind for good . About the time my mom told me that she was depressed was the about the time my mom backed a u haul up to my sisters house and took everything that was left . She even took my sister ashes ! My mother left my brother in law with a bed . I knew it was going to happen . I knew it ! However this answers a lot of questions that I had . What am I going to do about my mother depression ? I am going to do nothing . My mother has made her bed and now I am going to let lay in it . My mother has chosen to sit and look at everything my sister ever owned . My mother has chosen to raise the child from hell . My mother has chosen to do so many things . Now there is more light on the subject I can see everything clearly . I am glad that I chose to keep my mouth shut . I am going to continue to keep my mouth shut . I will not bail my mom out . I will not take part in her pity party . I will not . . . . . . I still have no idea why my mom is offering me money . I still have no idea why my mom wants to anchor to me . I still have no idea about a lot of things . What I do know is that my niece is not welcome here , so that means we wont be seeing my mom for a very long time . That is life . Life and time march on . My brother in law did mention that he did still have my sisters certificate . I asked him to please mail it to me . He said that he would . Rusty asked my I wanted the birth certificate . That is an easy answer . My mom said that she wanted it because it was hard to replace since my sister was adopted . Rusty just laughed and called me a bitch . I just laughed back and said " yep I learned it from your mom . " Rusty laughed again and said " Yep and we have shoe box to prove it . My mom is smiling down on you right now , You have learned very well . " Before Rusty 's mom died she showed me these brass figure the her father had gotten in Cambodia . Now my mothPosted by Well here it is . Another Friday . We have made it through another week . This week I want to talk about everything sitting on my desk . Right in front of me is a box of envelopes . They are sitting here reminding me that I still need to register at a few places so I can pay those bills on line . The joy of paying my bills on line is that I never have to search for a stamp , I don 't have to drive anywhere , I don 't get a mail box full of bill 's and inserts that just end up going into the recycling bin anyway . I have a fan sitting here . Right now it is telling me that I need to clean it , but it works wonders . We turn it on to cool us down . Most of the year I can get away without running my air , and by using the fan while we are in the room it saves us a ton of money on our electric bill . It is so much less expensive to run a fan for a few minutes while we sit here , then to try to cool an entire house . I have a stack of empty gift cards . I am going to gradually add money to all of them . I have found these card in the trash or someone has just left them laying around . Gift cards are plastic and we all know where plastic comes from . . . . . oil . Also by filling them up throughout the year it will not be crunch time come Christmas . I have a stack of scratch paper . Anytime we print something and then don 't need it , the paper gets cut up to be reused before it goes into the recycling bin . If we are printing out directions or something that we will only use once then we print it on the back of something else . Next to the desk we have a box where I put all of my husbands old papers . For whatever reason my husband seems to end up with a lot of news papers . Instead of recycling them all right away I save them until the box is full and then I will I take all the papers down to the local animal shelter . I have a picture of my mom 's cat . My mom 's cat was one of my foster babies . When I have foster babies in I try very hard to go green with them as well . I reuse crates , blankets , towels . You name it and I reuse it ! The only thing I can 't figure ouPosted by Yep that is me . At Sam 's cook out last week I just had to have a beer . A beer goes so well with hot dogs . All of the boys were lined up to take a picture of me drinking . LOL Today I have done nothing . I mean nothing . I did take Rusty his cell phone charger . I do get milk , and I got on facebook . I have not had to clean anything , I did not fold any laundry . I have just felt like doing nothing , so that is what I have done today . I just looked at that picture again . Why do people only take pictures of when my hair is up ? I look like a cancer patient . Rusty is gone on his trip which means I have control of the remote tonight ! Every women should be as lucky as me . Oh the fighting has just begun . Now the girls are pissed because someone made a mess and the other one has to clean it . Now they know how I feel ! The marine that got back a few days ago is spending the week just chilling and I am happy to be spending this time with him . I have learned so much about him . I never knew that he spoke Spanish ! I speak very little Spanish so I find it very interesting when I meet people that speak two or more languages . The marine also wants to meet Popi . Popi will be happy to have this marine in his home and he will also be happy to have someone else to speak Spanish with . Sometimes I really wish I knew how to speak more then one language . Well my lazy day must continue , so I am off to do nothing again . Oh I so love having the children responsible for the house . It makes my life so much easier . I put a lot of thought into my punishment for my very inconsiderate children . I have divided up some stuff for them to do . I explained to the girls . that I am sick of being their maid , and I am sick of them just leaving everything for me to do . So here is what I came up with . Amber is charge of the kitchen . She must do everything that I usually do . I told her that I expect the kitchen to be spotless when I get up every morning . Nikki gets both of the living rooms . I expect the same out of her . Now this might sound easy but , it will not be easy for them . Once they see how other people including their friends , treat the house they will begin to get pissed . Every time someone put a plate down and then just walks away , or when someone spills a drink , . . . well they are now responsible for it . I am hoping that this will cause the girls to divide and conquer . Maybe if they get sick of cleaning up after everyone else they will start to get on everyone else to clean up after themselves . I got some sleep last night so I am very happy about that . At one point last night I just started crying . I was so sore and so tired , but I still had stuff to do , so I could not sleep yet . I took a nice hot bath and just crashed . I do feel much better today . Yesterday Amber went to the dentist and she is still sore today . Amber is in so much pain , and the sad thing is she has to go back next week and have the rest of it finished up ! My goal for today is to get some laundry done . I have been running around so much , and laundry was the last thing on my mind . Now I have stacks of it , so I need to try to play catch up . Yesterday I was looking for one piece of paper . I knew right where I put it , but was it was no where to be found on the desk . O . K . now I am getting pissed . We have a huge old desk , how is it that I can 't seem to find anything ? So I went and got a shoe box . I searched through the desk and found every piece of paper that was mine . I am going to keep the box in the closet . The next time Rusty can 't find something I am going to reminPosted by Well . here I sit . My ass is dragging . I got about three hours of sleep last night . * I got a call mid morning . Mom . We are Minnesota . I will be in around 10 p . m . Cool . that is the last one to come home . * 1 . p . m . go pay for the repairs on Rusty 's truck and go help my girlfriend pack up . It was so nice to be able to help them and to get to play with the baby . That was short lived . I had to pack up the food she was giving us , and go get Rusty . * I arrived at Rusty 's work at 5 : 15 and at 5 : 20 we were back on the road to come home . I have Rusty call the girls and tell them to be ready because we were going to have to do a turn around and go get Ben . * 6 : 30 I call Nikki and tell her to have everyone come outside and unload the car . I need everything out of the trunk and out of the back seat . We have to have room for gear . I grab a bite to eat and go to the bathroom and then it is time to get back on the road to go back to base . * 6 : 45 We finally get on the 15 heading south . I tell everyone to keep an eye for the buses and the trucks . I want to know where the boys are ! * 7 : 45 we pull up to the back gate and there right in front of us are the buses ! Yes , that is right the marines are right in front of us . * 8 : 00 we hit the another side of base and we decide to go by the armory . It was then that my happy bubble was busted . There before us were marine in formation , with weapons . They were heading out . I said a prayer for them . * 8 : 15 we have finally made it to the parade deck . The marines will be on time . So I have some time to kill . * 9 : 30 The marines finally show up ! After we find Ben and we finally let him go , it is time to go find all of his stuff . This sounds easy but it is not , but in true military wife fashion . I grab Ben 's back pack . The we find two of his other bags . I tell Chris and Nikki to go put these bags in the car while we look for the last bag . Chris just looks at these heavy bags . Nikki said " put that one on your back and we can both carry the sea bag . " That 's my girl ! We finally find the last the bag so now we can go hoPosted by Amber got up and took Rusty into work , because once she is done with that she will have to go straight to school . I am glad that I did not have to make that drive this morning . I did however make some vegetable soup , so we will see how that turns out . I did not follow the directions all the way . I used the vegetables that I had on hand and I only used fresh . I also cut up some left over steak to throw in . So in my soup went : onion , carrots , potatoes , and spinach . I hope everyone enjoys the soup . I am so glad that we have changed time . I love the summer . The long dark days of winter just make me want to scream ! I could never live in Alaska . For me the longer days mean more time outside and warmer days . I can 't wait to head down to the lake for some fun in the sun . I called my mother last night . The conversation was civil and I did not even go anywhere subjects that would cause an argument . My mother brought up hell child once and I just changed the subject . No sense in beating a dead horse . What my mother does not know is that I am talking to my former brother in law . So I know all that is going on . I am waiting to find out when hell child will be moving in with my mom . It is easier for me to go through him and get straight information then to listen to my negative run everyone down before she answers a simple question . Yes , Paula I agree shame on that marine . I have been thinking about not quilting for the marines any more . It is not that it is to hard , it the fact that I know the quilts are expected . I use to love doing to quilts and now I actually hear complaining . They are not the right color or they are not long enough . I am just sick of it . It is much easier to help people that I don 't know . How sad is that ? There are times when I feel as if my heart has gotten so hard and cold . Rusty and I are not rich people . We do what we have to do just to get by . I try to help people and do nice tings for people , but when I ask for help I get smacked down . For me I know I am getting to the point of no return . I am almossober white women Don 't you just love mother Teresa ? Several years ago I saw a book of all her saying , but I did not buy it . Now I wish I had . Anyway , I don 't think my life can get any crazier . My car still is not fixed . What we were told was going to be an easy fix has turned into us needing to put a new engine in Rusty 's truck . So we are down to one car . That means I have to take Rusty to and from work everyday . That is 4 hours out of my day . We will get the truck back just in time for Rusty to leave for one of his trips . Oh Friday I was kinda involved in a high speed chase . The cops were casing someone , so everyone started pulling over and that caused a few fender binders . Then out of no where more cops passed me . I kept looking up because I wanted to see the po po in the air . I was hoping to be able to call the girls so and tell them to turn on the news and see me . But that did not happen . Saturday I did a ton of yard work . It was so nice to go outside and get some of that stuff done . Today I am going to finish up and get some flowers planted . I do have some corn seed 's so I am also going to get a row of corn in . I think Ryan has lost his mind or he is just getting super lazy . Today I treat him like he was two and walk him through all of his chores because he could not be bothered to do them correctly . The thing that gets me is that these are not new chores these are chores that he has been doing for a few years now ! I just made him re do everything . There is never enough time to it right but there is always time to do it again . Today Rusty is cleaning out the garage . I was going to go help him , but I decided not to . I have asked and asked Rusty to go through all of his crap and he has not done it . Now all of a sudden he has a wild hair up his ass and wants that garage clean . If I was a betting women I would say 90 % of the crap in that garage is his . Rusty still has not gone through all of his parents crap , but he did go through some of it today , I am happy about that . I just asked one of the marines if we could borrow his carPosted by The other day when Amber and I were at the local shelter Amber said " I just hate this place . " A worker over heard us and she said " you get use to it . " I immediately said " I could never get use to killing animals . " That started a conversation that I never saw coming . I was suddenly explaining to Amber the difference between kill shelters and no kill shelters . That led to another conversation about testing products on animals . So I started doing some research on animal testing and I was shocked at what I found . I shared with Amber some of the stuff that I learned and I asked her if she would like to see some videos . Amber said no . I know that all sorts of stuff are tested on animals , but will someone please explain to me why bleach has to be tested on animals ? I have a confession to make . I love body butter . I love how thick it is . It works wonders on my dry fish like skin . I learned that lotion is tested on animals ! I went to my stash of body butter and started looking for the bunny sign . If you see this bunny then you know that your products were not tested on animals . One of the things that really shocked me was the fact that bath and body works does test their stuff on animals . I will now have to ban that from our house . The girls have a ton of stuff from them . I guess it is an easy gift to buy , but I just can 't support a company that test 's their products on animals . I am not only the plastic bag Nazi , but now I am going to be looking for the bunny on everything I buy . Below are a few links . Please check them out . There are list of companies that do test on animals and a list of companies that do not . Just as I vote with my wallet and choose to not buy eco friendly cleaners , I am now going to be voting with my wallet on whether or not I buy products that are tested on animals . If a shampoo has such harsh ingredients that it has to be tested on animals , then why would I want to buy that product any way ? http : / / www . care2 . com / c2c / share / detail / 655954 http : / / www . leapingbunny . org / shopping . phpHere is a list of a Posted by I had to take Rusty into work today and I was happy to do so . It gave us time to talk without a bunch of ears around . I told Rusty that the last time I talked to my mom she admitted that she was depressed to hardly function . My mother is going to work and that is about it . I did not say anything to my mom , I just let it go . I told Rusty that I really need to think about this before I voice my option on this subject . I have several concerns . I can only imagine the stress that she is under because in the last two years she has lost a husband and a daughter . Now she is taking on raising a 12 year old . I have spoken my peace on that subject , not that it matters . What can I do from here ? If my mom does something crazy that what happens to hell child ? Rusty had no real advice for me on that subject . I need to really think this one through before I say something . Then the subject of my money came up . I have been told by a few relatives that my dad left me some money . To the tune of six figures . I have not seen this money , nor have I asked my mom about this . Rusty would like to know if it is true . So would I , but how do you ask a question like that ? Does the money really matter . To me it does not . I would buy my dream car and then put the rest away for the girls . Rusty said that he is waiting for the other shoe to drop . Since my dad and my sister have died we have done nothing but hear rumors . The one person that would know the truth would be my dad 's older sister , but I have not spoken to her in 19 years , so I don 't feel that asking her would be the right answer to my questions . I am just leaving all of this alone . I did tell Rusty that I have feeling once my mom dies that there is going to be a huge mess to clean up . After I got back from taking Rusty I checked my e mail . I got an e mail from a dear friend telling me that she has a new baby girl . O . K . wait one second . I talked to you a few weeks ago and you were not pregnant ! I am guessing that they adopted . I am to old for shocks like this . I do not have a baby girl blanket rPosted by Today is cold , rainy and crappy here , so I have decided to not get dressed today . On my to do list today was clean up our bedroom . I do mean clean ! Then butter , our dog , walked in and barfed the grossest smelling stuff up . Well great . I was going to clean our room today but I did not want to clean the carpets , but that happened anyway . Well at least my room is clean now . I have no idea how long that will last since everything seems to get thrown into my room . I did put on a pot of chili today . I so love my crock pot ! I am still not sure how people live without one . I also looked up how to make vegetable soup in the crock pot . It sounds simple so I am going to try it . I am not a huge fan of vegetable soup , but everyone else is , so I am going to try it . Nikki and Chris leave for winter camp on Friday . We looked at the weather today , and it is going to be a balmy 29 degrees up at big bear . I called some of the marines and they are going to loan us some cold weather gear . I am not going to go buy stuff for these two to use for a few day 's and then not need them again until next year . Tomorrow night I get the great pleasure of stacking everything together and double checking list 's so we can make sure that they have everything . I have no ambition today . I need to go put away some laundry and then I am going to go sit in bed and knit , or do some tie blankets . I have no idea what I am doing up this early . Why would anyone in their right mind get out of bed at 3 : 30 a . m . ? A ton of random stuff happened yesterday . We had to put Rusty 's truck in the shop . At least it is a cheap repair and it will be done today . I am so glad for that because we are now down to one car and that just sucks ! Yesterday while I was at the store I saw a very scared pitbull She was so thin and so scared . I just wanted to take her home , but I know I can 't . Then it hit at some point last night . I should have snatched her up and taken her down to base . At least they are a no kill shelter and they will feed her and make sure she gets adopted out . Note to self : go see if the dog is still out on the streets . I called Sam and asked him to come over so we could talk . I asked Sam to talk to Chris about joining the service . I figure if it comes for someone closer to his age it might be better received . The sad reality is this . Chris is homeless , the people that he is staying with are expecting a baby . Chris as no money , no job and he can 't afford to go to college . I just hope that Sam can point him in the right direction . Amber is about on my last nerve . I so understand that jobs are hard to find right now , but her just being bithcy is really getting to me . She needs to find something before I strangle her . Our cat George is a very good hunter . All weekend long she was bringing us mice and lizards . Then she brought home a rabbit ! O . K . a rabbit is just to cute to bring home , and George is not much bigger then the rabbit she caught . One of the marines said that when she starts bringing home small dogs he will be impressed ! Oh lets hope that does not happen . On Sunday I told Chris to make sure he got a list of supplies that he will need for summer camp . Nikki comes home from church and says " Well our youth pastor has not made up a supply list and we leave this Friday . " So yesterday Nikki and I sat down and made a list of things she has taken before . I think I have Chris covered . I am just going to let him use a lot Posted by http : / / widget - 6e . slide . com / widgets / slideticker . swf " type = " application / x - shockwave - flash " quality = " high " scale = " noscale " salign = " l " wmode = " transparent " flashvars = " cy = bb & il = 1 & channel = 2810246167502200430 & site = widget - 6e . slide . com " style = " width : 400px ; height : 320px " name = " flashticker " align = " middle " > Thursday was a long night . We had to move and construct a lot of displays , and I am just so glad that we had a lot of help . It was long hard and dirty work . Nikki 's boyfriend , Chris , worked his ass off , but we paid him and that is what he was there for . We roller back in here at midnight . I stunk , I had dirt all over me , and even my hair smelled bad ! I said screw it and went straight to bed . Then that dreaded alarm went went . Yep it is 5 : 30 . Time to get up and get moving . I got a cup of coffee and had a smoke . I walked back into the house and yelled " reveille , reveille , everyone up we have to leave at 7 : 30 ! " The moans and groans started , but everyone was up . I jump in the shower and wash all the muck off of me . Get out , rub down with some lotion and go to get dressed . I was going to wear this red skirt , a black top that Betty gave me and some heals . Everything was laid out . Then it happened . I started to zip up the skirt and I broke the zipper . I broke that little thing off that pulls the zipper . Crap . O . K . now I have to find something else to wear . Oh wait . Betty gave me a dress . So I slide that one . It looked so nice on me . By now my feet are killing me and I now have open sores from the straps on those damn heals ! Note to self . put those shoes in the yard sale pile . Rusty went and go me some band aids while I changed into some comfortable clothes . We all ate lunch and headed down to Point Loma ! Yes , my favorite play ground . Some of the people that went with us have never been there before so I gave them the guided tour . I saw some sign that reminded me to watch for whales . I did not see any whales , but we did see some seals playing in the ocean . The tide was very low when we were there so we rolled up our jeans and started walking to other points on the cliffs . Louis , one of the marines took his shoes off because he did not want to get them wet . I just laughed at him and said " Louis they are just a material object . " Louis ended up slipping on the rocks and getting his shoes soaked anyway . The tide pools were just so full of life ! It was so neat to see them . The rocks were very slippery , and we all took our turns falling , but it was so worth it ! For me the best part of going to Point Loma , is laying on the edge of the cliff and looking down into the ocean . I will walk all over and find different spots to lay and watch the waves . I also love the sounds of the ocean . Two saying kept popping into my head . One was the words to our God is an awesome God , and the other was Carpe diem . I had a few moments that me stop and smile . I smiled the whole time I was down there , but these moments were the light bulb moments . The first on was when we came across an older couple and they asked me to take a picture of them and they asked if I could get the water in the picture . I took the picture and they told me that this was the first time they had ever been there . I told them that this was my favorite play ground . The couple walked off and sat upon this really high rock . I though nothing more of it until I looked over at them and they were watching all of playing and having a good time . The light bulb for me was seeing them just laughing and pointing at us . They were so cute and so sweet , and I could see Rusty and I being them years down the road . I am glad that couple had a good time even if it was just watching us youngsters playing . The other light bulb moment came when I saw Chris 's face lite up . he had never been down there and he was just in shock at the beauty of it all . Once we got down to the cliffs he had so much fun climbing , and slipping , and looking at the tide pools . I was not sure if Chris would have a good time . In his family you can only have a good time if you spend a ton of money , so going some place free was very different for him . I am so glad that he did have a good time and that it did not cost us anything . My light bulb moment with Chris was when I realized that he realized that you do not have to spend a lot of money to have a great time and that sometimes the best memories are made by chance . On Saturday some more friends showed up . I was so excited to see them ! I snatched up the baby and just hugged her and kissed on her . She is the only baby in our group , and I just love having a baby here . There is just something so magical about babies . Saturday was so nice . So everyone decided to go up to the water falls . The water falls are only about 10 minutes from the house , and I knew they would be going good since we have had a lot of rain and snow thins year . I usually pack a lunch and some water bottles and the kids and I will spend the day up there just playing . I stayed home this time . Rusty asked me why I did not go tot he falls and I had to confess to him that I was sore from being at the cliffs the day before . Rusty just laughed and said " So you are admitting that you are not as young as you think you are . " Yep that is what I was saying . Saturday night we all went over to Sam 's house for a cook out . My girlfriend and I left early because the baby was getting tired . I set up the pack and play we laid the baby down for the night . It was so nice to just be able to sit and talk to another female . After everyone else got back they headed out to go bowling . I told my girlfriend to go . The baby was sleeping and she was fine . My girlfriend said it was to be able to go out and to not have to worry about the baby . I am a stay at home mom . I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life . I keep it real here and I hold nothing back . My life is a roller coaster ride , so strap on your seatbelt . . . . here we go !

Last year when I started my no spending diet I had no idea where this would take me . I had hoped that it would put some extra money in my pocket and really make me think about every purchase . Now that I am on this diet I am seeing the fruits of my labor . When we had to replace the engine in Rusty 's truck , we had the money . We do have the money in savings to fix my car but we have decided to wait and take it out of a pay check instead of dipping into our savings . Now I do think about every single purchase that I make . Yesterday I had pulled out a London broil . I could not figure out what to do with it , so I jumped on line and found a beef stew that could be made in the crock pot . The price of beef has done through the roof , so I decided to use only half of the London broil , and just add a ton of veggi 's . I used all the veggi 's that I had , even if I was not following the directions . Everyone loved it and there was nothing left over ! Oh sure I have splurged a few times , but not as often as I use to . It is nice to have that extra money sitting in my bank account . Yesterday the high school called me to inform me that my girls friend 's son was injured and need to go to the hospital . So I go and pick him up and and I am looking at his finger . It just looked bad . Every joint in one finger was out of socket . It was just gross ! I am trying to figure out a way to send three children to magic mountain for christian day . The tickets are $ 30 each and I want to give each of them $ 30 spending money . I could just hand over the money , but I don 't want to do that . I don 't want to find a way to make the money , and not take from our personal account . I have until the end of April to figure all of this out . I can do it . I know I can . My experiment with the girls cleaning the house is working out very well . Tomorrow they switch . I think this has been good for them because now they are seeing how much work goes into keeping the house clean . Ryan brought home a field trip form and his class is going to Sea World this year . I am glad thatsober white women Saturday was so awesome ! A bunch of us headed down to the lake for some much need sun and fun . The water was freezing cold , but it also felt good to get in the lake and swim . Saturday all of us including the marines went to the see the play Beauty and the beast . One of Nikki 's friends was in the play , so we all decided that it would be a great evening out , and it was ! The cast did such an awesome job . I have not been to a play in a while , but it is something that I love . Ryan is really enjoyed himself as well . It is hit or miss with Ryan , so I was glad to see him having a blast . Sunday just sucked ! I argued with Amber . She is on my last nerve . I found out that she was going to get her nose pierced . Now normally that would not bother me , but I just came unglued . O . K . Amber lets recap all of this . I am paying your phone bill , your car insurance , your college , your cable , your car registration , and most of all you live here for free ! Does this child honestly think that a nose ring is going to help her get a job ? Sometimes I think Amber is really pushing me , but I am to the point where I am ready to throw her ass out into the real world . Amber need to go back to the rich family that once had her . Amber is to good to work fast food , or go around ask people for work . Heck even Nikki asked if she could take down our recycling just so she could pay her phone bill . Amber won 't even do that ! Oh this child of mine . Rusty got on my last nerve as well . The tanning bed was acting up so I asked Rusty if he would fix it again . The answer was no because he did not want to put any more money into it . I said a few things that I should not have said , and then I went and listed the tanning bed on craigslist . Some people came and got it . I started cleaning up the garage . I was out there working out some anger when Rusty comes out to help . I really did not want help . I just wanted to be left alone to work out some anger issues . I can 't figure out why when something is important to Rusty we have the money for it , but when it comes to mePosted by We seem to have a ton of pill bottles around , so I went on the hunt for some of the best ways to reuse them . I hope that you guys find at least one ides for all your old pill bottles and as always leave me your idea ! 1 . The easiest way to reuse pill bottles is to store household odds n ' ends in them , such as nails , nuts and bolts , thumbtacks , or paperclips . Organize your kitchen " junk drawer " this way , and write the items ' names on the outside of the bottle . 2 . When traveling , store only the vitamins and supplements you 'll need during your trip in an empty pill bottle . You won 't have to take along a the whole container for each supplement , thereby saving room in your luggage for souvenirs . 3 . Make a goofy , ironic Christmas tree ornament ( or several ) out of empty pill bottles : carefully punch a hole in the lid of the bottle with an awl or icepick , then thread a loop of twine , ribbon , or fishing line through the hole and knot it on the inside . Replace the cap on the bottle . Quite a statement about holiday stress , no ? 4 . Give a basket of pill bottle filled with different candies to friends on their " milestone " birthdays - - 30 , 40 or 50 . Be sure to remove the original labels ( see step 1 ) and replace with homemade labels - - such as " Over the Hill Pills . " You could even make a birthday card resembling a prescription pad to go with the theme . 5 . Make a baby 's rattle by filling an empty pill bottle with a few dried beans . Just be sure to glue the lid on the bottle so the child cannot open the rattle . 6 . Store your spices in a collection of empty pill bottles , and write the name of the spice on the lid . This is a great solution for storing herbs that you have grown and dried yourself . You could even build or purchase a wall - mounted spice rack to display your collection . 7 . use them to start your seeds in . 8 . glue the cap on and make a cat toy out of them . If your cat is like our cat 's they will play with anything ! 9 . Use them as coin holders . I am going to have to put on in my laundry room and in my daughters car ! We always haPosted by Years ago my mother in law made me a red velvet cake . I had never had one before . I never even heard of them . I mentioned this cake to my mom and she said that she had not had one in many years . Hmmm . I have found the boxed version of this cake and I have made it a few times , but for me a red velvet cake is a special treat . A few weekends ago when we were at Chili 's I saw that they had a red velvet cake . So I ordered it . It cam in a shot glass . A shot glass ! That is not even worth getting the milk out for . So last night one of the marines said " Hey mom I got you something . " I look in the box and there it was , a red velvet cake . I just had a slice of it and the memories started flooding back . Not much happened at the doctors yesterday . I have to go in for another ultrasound and then the doctors will compare the two , and we will go from there . This all sounds so easy . Just get the surgery , but it is not that easy for us . Rusty does not want me to have the surgery because his mother died on the table during a routine surgery . Then there is the question of do I trust the doctors . . . no . Then I have to make sure to tell the girls to not tell my mother until after the fact . My mother wants to come out , but that would mean that she would be bringing hell child and none of us want that . Then there is the question , if they are not getting bigger and they are not bothering me do I roll the dice and hope it stays that way ? So many questions , and only Rusty and I can answer them . Tomorrow I am heading out to the desert with Rusty . He has to go out to another base to deliver some stuff and he asked me to go with him . I love spending time with Rusty . Today was much the same . I got some cleaning done . I laid out in the sun for a while , and my last load of laundry is in the dryer right now . I also found out that Nikki has to have all four wisdom teeth cut out next month . Oh what a joy that will be . My ex has stopped paying his child support again , so now I am going to have to really look at our budget and see if we can afford a nPosted by Well it has been very interesting around here . Last night one of our friends left , so she could finish her trip to Oregon , but not without drama . Our friend adopted one of my foster kittens about two years ago and she named him Mr . Fluffy . I love seeing Mr . Fluffy , but I am sad to say that someone injured him . We do not know who , but we do know how . Someone slammed his tail in the door and they injured it enough that the bone is now exposed . On Friday Beth is going to have part of his tail amputated . I can 't believe someone would do that and then not own up to it . Sometimes people suck . I also found out yesterday that a dear friend will not be coming back . I have mentioned her before , She is the one that I help pack up . Yep , she is finally sick of her husband and has had enough . I can 't blame her . I am just mad that I will not be able to hold that baby for a very long time . Guy 's can be such jerks . Today I am going in to get my referrals and start the process of seeing what the heck we are going to do about my insides . If we do anything . I have not made any decisions and I won 't until I see the results of a new ct scan and compare them to the old ones . So today is the first step for me . Today I don 't really have a lot going on . I have laundry to do , but that is normal . I have a doctors appointment and then after that I think I am just going to chill and read a book . Did those words come out of my mouth ? I am not a reader . Never have been , but I am reading a book called forever Lily . It is about a ladies journey to adopt a child from China . I am so there in China with here ! I do need to read more , but I have a very hard time finding books that hold my interest . I talked to one of my uncles yesterday . I called him and asked him if he would like some pictures of him when he was little . I goofed big time . The other boy in the picture with my dad was not that uncle but another uncle . Oh well . My uncle asked me how my mom was doing . I just let out a big sigh . I gave him a brief run down of how he was doing . Then he asksober white women I made a huge mistake yesterday . I spoke to my mother . She actually called to talk to Ryan , Because Ryan turned 14 yesterday . I made the mistake of actually talking to my mother . I heard all about how hard her life is , and how much she needed a vacation . She did put off her vacation to Mexico until the child from hell was on spring break . Please mother tell how hard is your life ? Have you ever looked behind yourself to see all the destruction that you have caused ? Have you ever wondered why people run from you ? O . K . lets see in the last month you have taken everything from my brother in law . Everything . I sit and wonder why ? What gives you the right to walk into peoples lives and just tear them apart so that you can have your way ? Please mother tell me how hard your life is as you run away to Mexico for a much needed vacation . Please give me a vivid description of the sunset . Please keep whining to me about you not going on a vacation in 6 months . Maybe I will be able dig deep down in my sympathy jar and find some for you . I doubt that will happen since I have not had a no shit vacation in over 19 years . Rusty and I just planned a night out , and Nikki is bitching because it is the day after her birthday . My sympathy jar is empty . Please mother , tell me , how do sleep at night , knowing that you still choose between your grandchildren . Please tell me how it feels to have your other grandchildren so badly want to to go on a vacation , and you don 't even offer to take them . How does it feel to slowly be isolating your own grandchildren ? Please mother let me paint you a picture . See that red spot ? That is my from my head banging against the wall , just hoping that you would love me . The green is for all the money that you are now trying to throw at me . Do you really think money is going to stop the hurt ? Dark blue is color I have turned by biting my lips so many times . So many times I said nothing because I did not feel it was my place . Purple is the color I wear for mourning . Mourning the loss of a mother , because I am finallPosted by Yep . I picked him up last night . Rusty and I took him out to dinner and I told the waitress to just keep their drinks coming . Rusty and the marine had so much to talk about . Me ? I sat there with a napkin up my nose because for some reason it started bleeding ! Yesterday a group of marines showed up . I am not sure why . I think some of them are on leave but whatever , here they are in the middle on the week . Yesterday we also had a friend from Il . come in . Man it is so great to see her . I need more girlfriends . O . K . I need more real life friends . I need to go out to the fall 's . Yesterday a group of people went out there and they said that the water is starting to slow down . I need to go get pictures . I will add that to my to do list today . So I am now on facebook and I have found a few friends from way back when . I even talked to one of them on the phone . O . K . the truth is he was my first boyfriend . I actually talked to him on the phone yesterday . It was kinda creepy how much we have or had in common . He sold drugs . I did drugs . We were both in Hawaii at the same time . It is just strange . I swear Amber does not know how good she has it . Amber has a roof over her head and food on her table . I pay for her to go to college , and I don 't care that she wants to major in yoga ! I am paying all of her bills . So what does Amber do yesterday ? She turns down a job interview . I chewed her ass . She is going in today . I also chewed Ambers boyfriends ass out yesterday . I found out that he had been pinching her so hard that he will leaving bruises on her . I put a stop to that . I reminded him that I have a . 22 and that if he ever lays a hand her except to love her , that I will hunt him down . We now have an understanding . Life is good . Last night I answer the phone . me : helloGreg : Mom I am here on the east coast . me : oh my God you are home ! Greg : yep I will be California tomorrow , will you come get me ? me : you don 't have to ask . I will be there . I must warn you . I may hug you to death . Greg : That 's fine . Me : hey a bunch of us are going body surfing on Friday do you want to come ? Greg : you want my paste white body on the beach ? Me : hey if I can take my white bum to the beach so can you . Greg : its a date It is funny how fast life can change . Friday is Ryans birthday , so the girls and I were going to surprise hm and pick him up from school and take him down to the ocean . I cant wait to go body surfing ! I know I will be sore on Saturday , but hey , I have pain pills . You only live once , so why not . Yesterday I told Rusty that I wanted to get another ct scan , and that I have been thinking a lot about the surgery . I don 't want it , but I also don 't want to die because I was to stubborn to get the surgery . Rusty so does not want me to have the surgery . I asked him if I did have it if he would be there when I woke up . He just kissed and said you know I will . Yesterday I wanted hot pig sex , it turns out I got something better . I got to feel my husbands tender side . The side that says I love you more then I have ever loved anything else . Sometimes a girl just needs to know that she is loved that much . I asked Rusty if someone was cutting my hair while I was sleeping . I just got that look . The look that says you ask the strangest questions . I swear my hair is getting shorter . I want my hair to reach my bum . While I was growing up I use to hate my hair , and mom always made me keep it short . Now I am not cutting it and I am tyring to see how long it will get . My phone is charging , I have the camera ready , so I need to get into a tub and get dressed . I am sitting on go , just waiting for the call that says I will there at this time . Life is good . Posted by I actually took the time to do my hair today . Now I am wondering why . We are in such a marriage rut . Now the last time I said I was in a marriage rut I was gluing tea cup to saucers and wearing my dead dad ties . I am married I should see my husband more then a few hours a day . I should be having sex all the time ! I want hot nasty pig sex . I want to wake up the next morning and wonder how we chocolate on the ceiling ! And yes that has really happened . It is St . Patty 's day . I am so missing my dad . My dad use to play Irish music for us . Does anyone remember the unicorn song ? I love that song . I think my whole life is in rut . I want to laugh until I cry . I want to push my limits . I want to do something that will scare me . I want to run away to the ocean and look for sand dollars . Instead I am sitting here blogging . Rusty has promised me that he will put a new radiator in my car this weekend . Then I will more freedom to go do stuff . I was not meant to live a life routine . I was born to be the one who pushes the limits . I have not fired my . 22 . I am thinking I will head down to base and go shooting . I will have to wait until this weekend and make sure that all of the boy 's go with me . I want to remind them that I am still a good shot . Three of the marines are on their way out . The one that just got home wants to do a rapid redeployment . What is up with these boys ? I know that war is what boys do and old men talk about . I know that It is their job . I am just so sick of this damn war . Every time the boys leave we roll the dice and they come home . I fear that my luck will run out . I fear that their future wives will lay in bed and wonder if this damn ptsd will ever get better . I hate the marine corps and I hate this damn war . However I know without these brave young men I would not have any of the freedoms that I have today . I would love to have all boys here at one time . I want to walk up to them one by one and give them a kiss . Even if I am having a pity party for one . I still have a great life and I know that . Life is good . I love this picture of me , but the other day when I was looking at I realized that the hat I am wearing got crushed in a move . I need to go find my a new floppy hat . I am thinking the bigger and floppier the better . I have to go to wal crap today so I will start there . I got up this morning and realized that half the light bulb in my kitchen were out . I am standing with coffee in hand looking at my ceiling . I don 't think I can reach those bulbs . I could put it on Rusty 's to do list , but we may end up eating by flashlight for several months . I guess I am just going to have to get the ladder out and try standing on the step that says it is not a step . I will also have to come up with a real good story in case I fall . One of the marines asked me if I bought in Nitrogen to help my corn grow . Well , no I did not . That got me to wondering . Nitrogen was used in the Oklahoma city bombing , so if I walk into a feed store and ask for some will that send up a red flag ? I have always wanted to be involved in an investigation . I am really struggling with Nikki 's trips this year . See on one hand I want her to go and have a good time and explore the world . However one of the trips she wants to take is to Mexico . Hello they are sending American heads back . My husband is selling the body armour and guns . I guess my fear is that my husband and the marines would start another war because something happened to Nikki . I am very open minded , but I have to wonder if I am to open minded sometimes . It is finally warming up here . I would guess that in another month the lake will be warm enough to get in . I am looking forward to spending a lot of time on the lake . Right now I can hear people out there boating . I love the water ! I have been trying to get some quilts done because I just found that three marines are deploying soon . I am thinking that I am going to have to give up quilting for them and go to tie blankets . I am just amazed at many of my boy 's are deploying . I would like to ask the universe why I was placed around all military . Why doesPosted by Oh if this is not the truth then I don 't know what is ! My full maiden name is Kelli Eileen McMahan , and my father was first generation U . S . citizen ! I can 't get to much more Irish . However I am also a really bad Irish person . You will never see me eat corn beef , I don 't like beer , and I will only eat potatoes a few times a year and they have to be cooked the exact way I like them . Rusty went and checked the mail today . Yep , we have to walk to check our mail , therefore I don 't usually check it . Well . . . . Rusty hands me this huge envelope from social services . Inside are all of my medical bill and a letter saying that I have been approved for medi cal for the next seven months and that all of my past due bills were paid ! I am going to take full advantage of all of this . I am going to go get new glasses , and I am going to go see all the doctors that I have been needing to see . I am going to use our tax dollars to the extreme . I want another c . t . scan done . I don 't believe that my tumors are as big as everyone originally said . I don 't believe that they are there at all . Rusty does not want me to have surgery . Rusty said if anything happened to me he would have to kill everyone that was in the O . R . Rusty 's mom went in for routine surgery and ended up dieing on the table , so he is very scared that something like that will happen to me . Yesterday Nikki got her first corp [ orate sponsor for her mission trip ! Nikki is now $ 200 closer to her goal . I am so proud of her for getting out there and doing what she needs to do . Yesterday I took one of the marines over to Nikki 's other parents house ( deb and poppi ) . The marine said I need to work on my Spanish because I will be going home , and I don 't want my mom to wonder what happened to me . The marine said that he had the best time just sitting around speaking Spanish and being fed . That is something that I don 't understand . Mexican people feed you . But the marine felt at home and said that this is one house that he will visit often . I am so glad that he connected with other peopPosted by Well . I was having a good day . I got a lot of sewing done , took a walk and just goofed off . My brother in law called me . We have been playing phone tag all week . Well . It seems that my mom has finally lost her mind for good . About the time my mom told me that she was depressed was the about the time my mom backed a u haul up to my sisters house and took everything that was left . She even took my sister ashes ! My mother left my brother in law with a bed . I knew it was going to happen . I knew it ! However this answers a lot of questions that I had . What am I going to do about my mother depression ? I am going to do nothing . My mother has made her bed and now I am going to let lay in it . My mother has chosen to sit and look at everything my sister ever owned . My mother has chosen to raise the child from hell . My mother has chosen to do so many things . Now there is more light on the subject I can see everything clearly . I am glad that I chose to keep my mouth shut . I am going to continue to keep my mouth shut . I will not bail my mom out . I will not take part in her pity party . I will not . . . . . . I still have no idea why my mom is offering me money . I still have no idea why my mom wants to anchor to me . I still have no idea about a lot of things . What I do know is that my niece is not welcome here , so that means we wont be seeing my mom for a very long time . That is life . Life and time march on . My brother in law did mention that he did still have my sisters certificate . I asked him to please mail it to me . He said that he would . Rusty asked my I wanted the birth certificate . That is an easy answer . My mom said that she wanted it because it was hard to replace since my sister was adopted . Rusty just laughed and called me a bitch . I just laughed back and said " yep I learned it from your mom . " Rusty laughed again and said " Yep and we have shoe box to prove it . My mom is smiling down on you right now , You have learned very well . " Before Rusty 's mom died she showed me these brass figure the her father had gotten in Cambodia . Now my mothPosted by Well here it is . Another Friday . We have made it through another week . This week I want to talk about everything sitting on my desk . Right in front of me is a box of envelopes . They are sitting here reminding me that I still need to register at a few places so I can pay those bills on line . The joy of paying my bills on line is that I never have to search for a stamp , I don 't have to drive anywhere , I don 't get a mail box full of bill 's and inserts that just end up going into the recycling bin anyway . I have a fan sitting here . Right now it is telling me that I need to clean it , but it works wonders . We turn it on to cool us down . Most of the year I can get away without running my air , and by using the fan while we are in the room it saves us a ton of money on our electric bill . It is so much less expensive to run a fan for a few minutes while we sit here , then to try to cool an entire house . I have a stack of empty gift cards . I am going to gradually add money to all of them . I have found these card in the trash or someone has just left them laying around . Gift cards are plastic and we all know where plastic comes from . . . . . oil . Also by filling them up throughout the year it will not be crunch time come Christmas . I have a stack of scratch paper . Anytime we print something and then don 't need it , the paper gets cut up to be reused before it goes into the recycling bin . If we are printing out directions or something that we will only use once then we print it on the back of something else . Next to the desk we have a box where I put all of my husbands old papers . For whatever reason my husband seems to end up with a lot of news papers . Instead of recycling them all right away I save them until the box is full and then I will I take all the papers down to the local animal shelter . I have a picture of my mom 's cat . My mom 's cat was one of my foster babies . When I have foster babies in I try very hard to go green with them as well . I reuse crates , blankets , towels . You name it and I reuse it ! The only thing I can 't figure ouPosted by Yep that is me . At Sam 's cook out last week I just had to have a beer . A beer goes so well with hot dogs . All of the boys were lined up to take a picture of me drinking . LOL Today I have done nothing . I mean nothing . I did take Rusty his cell phone charger . I do get milk , and I got on facebook . I have not had to clean anything , I did not fold any laundry . I have just felt like doing nothing , so that is what I have done today . I just looked at that picture again . Why do people only take pictures of when my hair is up ? I look like a cancer patient . Rusty is gone on his trip which means I have control of the remote tonight ! Every women should be as lucky as me . Oh the fighting has just begun . Now the girls are pissed because someone made a mess and the other one has to clean it . Now they know how I feel ! The marine that got back a few days ago is spending the week just chilling and I am happy to be spending this time with him . I have learned so much about him . I never knew that he spoke Spanish ! I speak very little Spanish so I find it very interesting when I meet people that speak two or more languages . The marine also wants to meet Popi . Popi will be happy to have this marine in his home and he will also be happy to have someone else to speak Spanish with . Sometimes I really wish I knew how to speak more then one language . Well my lazy day must continue , so I am off to do nothing again . Oh I so love having the children responsible for the house . It makes my life so much easier . I put a lot of thought into my punishment for my very inconsiderate children . I have divided up some stuff for them to do . I explained to the girls . that I am sick of being their maid , and I am sick of them just leaving everything for me to do . So here is what I came up with . Amber is charge of the kitchen . She must do everything that I usually do . I told her that I expect the kitchen to be spotless when I get up every morning . Nikki gets both of the living rooms . I expect the same out of her . Now this might sound easy but , it will not be easy for them . Once they see how other people including their friends , treat the house they will begin to get pissed . Every time someone put a plate down and then just walks away , or when someone spills a drink , . . . well they are now responsible for it . I am hoping that this will cause the girls to divide and conquer . Maybe if they get sick of cleaning up after everyone else they will start to get on everyone else to clean up after themselves . I got some sleep last night so I am very happy about that . At one point last night I just started crying . I was so sore and so tired , but I still had stuff to do , so I could not sleep yet . I took a nice hot bath and just crashed . I do feel much better today . Yesterday Amber went to the dentist and she is still sore today . Amber is in so much pain , and the sad thing is she has to go back next week and have the rest of it finished up ! My goal for today is to get some laundry done . I have been running around so much , and laundry was the last thing on my mind . Now I have stacks of it , so I need to try to play catch up . Yesterday I was looking for one piece of paper . I knew right where I put it , but was it was no where to be found on the desk . O . K . now I am getting pissed . We have a huge old desk , how is it that I can 't seem to find anything ? So I went and got a shoe box . I searched through the desk and found every piece of paper that was mine . I am going to keep the box in the closet . The next time Rusty can 't find something I am going to reminPosted by Well . here I sit . My ass is dragging . I got about three hours of sleep last night . * I got a call mid morning . Mom . We are Minnesota . I will be in around 10 p . m . Cool . that is the last one to come home . * 1 . p . m . go pay for the repairs on Rusty 's truck and go help my girlfriend pack up . It was so nice to be able to help them and to get to play with the baby . That was short lived . I had to pack up the food she was giving us , and go get Rusty . * I arrived at Rusty 's work at 5 : 15 and at 5 : 20 we were back on the road to come home . I have Rusty call the girls and tell them to be ready because we were going to have to do a turn around and go get Ben . * 6 : 30 I call Nikki and tell her to have everyone come outside and unload the car . I need everything out of the trunk and out of the back seat . We have to have room for gear . I grab a bite to eat and go to the bathroom and then it is time to get back on the road to go back to base . * 6 : 45 We finally get on the 15 heading south . I tell everyone to keep an eye for the buses and the trucks . I want to know where the boys are ! * 7 : 45 we pull up to the back gate and there right in front of us are the buses ! Yes , that is right the marines are right in front of us . * 8 : 00 we hit the another side of base and we decide to go by the armory . It was then that my happy bubble was busted . There before us were marine in formation , with weapons . They were heading out . I said a prayer for them . * 8 : 15 we have finally made it to the parade deck . The marines will be on time . So I have some time to kill . * 9 : 30 The marines finally show up ! After we find Ben and we finally let him go , it is time to go find all of his stuff . This sounds easy but it is not , but in true military wife fashion . I grab Ben 's back pack . The we find two of his other bags . I tell Chris and Nikki to go put these bags in the car while we look for the last bag . Chris just looks at these heavy bags . Nikki said " put that one on your back and we can both carry the sea bag . " That 's my girl ! We finally find the last the bag so now we can go hoPosted by Amber got up and took Rusty into work , because once she is done with that she will have to go straight to school . I am glad that I did not have to make that drive this morning . I did however make some vegetable soup , so we will see how that turns out . I did not follow the directions all the way . I used the vegetables that I had on hand and I only used fresh . I also cut up some left over steak to throw in . So in my soup went : onion , carrots , potatoes , and spinach . I hope everyone enjoys the soup . I am so glad that we have changed time . I love the summer . The long dark days of winter just make me want to scream ! I could never live in Alaska . For me the longer days mean more time outside and warmer days . I can 't wait to head down to the lake for some fun in the sun . I called my mother last night . The conversation was civil and I did not even go anywhere subjects that would cause an argument . My mother brought up hell child once and I just changed the subject . No sense in beating a dead horse . What my mother does not know is that I am talking to my former brother in law . So I know all that is going on . I am waiting to find out when hell child will be moving in with my mom . It is easier for me to go through him and get straight information then to listen to my negative run everyone down before she answers a simple question . Yes , Paula I agree shame on that marine . I have been thinking about not quilting for the marines any more . It is not that it is to hard , it the fact that I know the quilts are expected . I use to love doing to quilts and now I actually hear complaining . They are not the right color or they are not long enough . I am just sick of it . It is much easier to help people that I don 't know . How sad is that ? There are times when I feel as if my heart has gotten so hard and cold . Rusty and I are not rich people . We do what we have to do just to get by . I try to help people and do nice tings for people , but when I ask for help I get smacked down . For me I know I am getting to the point of no return . I am almossober white women Don 't you just love mother Teresa ? Several years ago I saw a book of all her saying , but I did not buy it . Now I wish I had . Anyway , I don 't think my life can get any crazier . My car still is not fixed . What we were told was going to be an easy fix has turned into us needing to put a new engine in Rusty 's truck . So we are down to one car . That means I have to take Rusty to and from work everyday . That is 4 hours out of my day . We will get the truck back just in time for Rusty to leave for one of his trips . Oh Friday I was kinda involved in a high speed chase . The cops were casing someone , so everyone started pulling over and that caused a few fender binders . Then out of no where more cops passed me . I kept looking up because I wanted to see the po po in the air . I was hoping to be able to call the girls so and tell them to turn on the news and see me . But that did not happen . Saturday I did a ton of yard work . It was so nice to go outside and get some of that stuff done . Today I am going to finish up and get some flowers planted . I do have some corn seed 's so I am also going to get a row of corn in . I think Ryan has lost his mind or he is just getting super lazy . Today I treat him like he was two and walk him through all of his chores because he could not be bothered to do them correctly . The thing that gets me is that these are not new chores these are chores that he has been doing for a few years now ! I just made him re do everything . There is never enough time to it right but there is always time to do it again . Today Rusty is cleaning out the garage . I was going to go help him , but I decided not to . I have asked and asked Rusty to go through all of his crap and he has not done it . Now all of a sudden he has a wild hair up his ass and wants that garage clean . If I was a betting women I would say 90 % of the crap in that garage is his . Rusty still has not gone through all of his parents crap , but he did go through some of it today , I am happy about that . I just asked one of the marines if we could borrow his carPosted by The other day when Amber and I were at the local shelter Amber said " I just hate this place . " A worker over heard us and she said " you get use to it . " I immediately said " I could never get use to killing animals . " That started a conversation that I never saw coming . I was suddenly explaining to Amber the difference between kill shelters and no kill shelters . That led to another conversation about testing products on animals . So I started doing some research on animal testing and I was shocked at what I found . I shared with Amber some of the stuff that I learned and I asked her if she would like to see some videos . Amber said no . I know that all sorts of stuff are tested on animals , but will someone please explain to me why bleach has to be tested on animals ? I have a confession to make . I love body butter . I love how thick it is . It works wonders on my dry fish like skin . I learned that lotion is tested on animals ! I went to my stash of body butter and started looking for the bunny sign . If you see this bunny then you know that your products were not tested on animals . One of the things that really shocked me was the fact that bath and body works does test their stuff on animals . I will now have to ban that from our house . The girls have a ton of stuff from them . I guess it is an easy gift to buy , but I just can 't support a company that test 's their products on animals . I am not only the plastic bag Nazi , but now I am going to be looking for the bunny on everything I buy . Below are a few links . Please check them out . There are list of companies that do test on animals and a list of companies that do not . Just as I vote with my wallet and choose to not buy eco friendly cleaners , I am now going to be voting with my wallet on whether or not I buy products that are tested on animals . If a shampoo has such harsh ingredients that it has to be tested on animals , then why would I want to buy that product any way ? http : / / www . care2 . com / c2c / share / detail / 655954 http : / / www . leapingbunny . org / shopping . phpHere is a list of a Posted by I had to take Rusty into work today and I was happy to do so . It gave us time to talk without a bunch of ears around . I told Rusty that the last time I talked to my mom she admitted that she was depressed to hardly function . My mother is going to work and that is about it . I did not say anything to my mom , I just let it go . I told Rusty that I really need to think about this before I voice my option on this subject . I have several concerns . I can only imagine the stress that she is under because in the last two years she has lost a husband and a daughter . Now she is taking on raising a 12 year old . I have spoken my peace on that subject , not that it matters . What can I do from here ? If my mom does something crazy that what happens to hell child ? Rusty had no real advice for me on that subject . I need to really think this one through before I say something . Then the subject of my money came up . I have been told by a few relatives that my dad left me some money . To the tune of six figures . I have not seen this money , nor have I asked my mom about this . Rusty would like to know if it is true . So would I , but how do you ask a question like that ? Does the money really matter . To me it does not . I would buy my dream car and then put the rest away for the girls . Rusty said that he is waiting for the other shoe to drop . Since my dad and my sister have died we have done nothing but hear rumors . The one person that would know the truth would be my dad 's older sister , but I have not spoken to her in 19 years , so I don 't feel that asking her would be the right answer to my questions . I am just leaving all of this alone . I did tell Rusty that I have feeling once my mom dies that there is going to be a huge mess to clean up . After I got back from taking Rusty I checked my e mail . I got an e mail from a dear friend telling me that she has a new baby girl . O . K . wait one second . I talked to you a few weeks ago and you were not pregnant ! I am guessing that they adopted . I am to old for shocks like this . I do not have a baby girl blanket rPosted by Today is cold , rainy and crappy here , so I have decided to not get dressed today . On my to do list today was clean up our bedroom . I do mean clean ! Then butter , our dog , walked in and barfed the grossest smelling stuff up . Well great . I was going to clean our room today but I did not want to clean the carpets , but that happened anyway . Well at least my room is clean now . I have no idea how long that will last since everything seems to get thrown into my room . I did put on a pot of chili today . I so love my crock pot ! I am still not sure how people live without one . I also looked up how to make vegetable soup in the crock pot . It sounds simple so I am going to try it . I am not a huge fan of vegetable soup , but everyone else is , so I am going to try it . Nikki and Chris leave for winter camp on Friday . We looked at the weather today , and it is going to be a balmy 29 degrees up at big bear . I called some of the marines and they are going to loan us some cold weather gear . I am not going to go buy stuff for these two to use for a few day 's and then not need them again until next year . Tomorrow night I get the great pleasure of stacking everything together and double checking list 's so we can make sure that they have everything . I have no ambition today . I need to go put away some laundry and then I am going to go sit in bed and knit , or do some tie blankets . I have no idea what I am doing up this early . Why would anyone in their right mind get out of bed at 3 : 30 a . m . ? A ton of random stuff happened yesterday . We had to put Rusty 's truck in the shop . At least it is a cheap repair and it will be done today . I am so glad for that because we are now down to one car and that just sucks ! Yesterday while I was at the store I saw a very scared pitbull She was so thin and so scared . I just wanted to take her home , but I know I can 't . Then it hit at some point last night . I should have snatched her up and taken her down to base . At least they are a no kill shelter and they will feed her and make sure she gets adopted out . Note to self : go see if the dog is still out on the streets . I called Sam and asked him to come over so we could talk . I asked Sam to talk to Chris about joining the service . I figure if it comes for someone closer to his age it might be better received . The sad reality is this . Chris is homeless , the people that he is staying with are expecting a baby . Chris as no money , no job and he can 't afford to go to college . I just hope that Sam can point him in the right direction . Amber is about on my last nerve . I so understand that jobs are hard to find right now , but her just being bithcy is really getting to me . She needs to find something before I strangle her . Our cat George is a very good hunter . All weekend long she was bringing us mice and lizards . Then she brought home a rabbit ! O . K . a rabbit is just to cute to bring home , and George is not much bigger then the rabbit she caught . One of the marines said that when she starts bringing home small dogs he will be impressed ! Oh lets hope that does not happen . On Sunday I told Chris to make sure he got a list of supplies that he will need for summer camp . Nikki comes home from church and says " Well our youth pastor has not made up a supply list and we leave this Friday . " So yesterday Nikki and I sat down and made a list of things she has taken before . I think I have Chris covered . I am just going to let him use a lot Posted by http : / / widget - 6e . slide . com / widgets / slideticker . swf " type = " application / x - shockwave - flash " quality = " high " scale = " noscale " salign = " l " wmode = " transparent " flashvars = " cy = bb & il = 1 & channel = 2810246167502200430 & site = widget - 6e . slide . com " style = " width : 400px ; height : 320px " name = " flashticker " align = " middle " > Thursday was a long night . We had to move and construct a lot of displays , and I am just so glad that we had a lot of help . It was long hard and dirty work . Nikki 's boyfriend , Chris , worked his ass off , but we paid him and that is what he was there for . We roller back in here at midnight . I stunk , I had dirt all over me , and even my hair smelled bad ! I said screw it and went straight to bed . Then that dreaded alarm went went . Yep it is 5 : 30 . Time to get up and get moving . I got a cup of coffee and had a smoke . I walked back into the house and yelled " reveille , reveille , everyone up we have to leave at 7 : 30 ! " The moans and groans started , but everyone was up . I jump in the shower and wash all the muck off of me . Get out , rub down with some lotion and go to get dressed . I was going to wear this red skirt , a black top that Betty gave me and some heals . Everything was laid out . Then it happened . I started to zip up the skirt and I broke the zipper . I broke that little thing off that pulls the zipper . Crap . O . K . now I have to find something else to wear . Oh wait . Betty gave me a dress . So I slide that one . It looked so nice on me . By now my feet are killing me and I now have open sores from the straps on those damn heals ! Note to self . put those shoes in the yard sale pile . Rusty went and go me some band aids while I changed into some comfortable clothes . We all ate lunch and headed down to Point Loma ! Yes , my favorite play ground . Some of the people that went with us have never been there before so I gave them the guided tour . I saw some sign that reminded me to watch for whales . I did not see any whales , but we did see some seals playing in the ocean . The tide was very low when we were there so we rolled up our jeans and started walking to other points on the cliffs . Louis , one of the marines took his shoes off because he did not want to get them wet . I just laughed at him and said " Louis they are just a material object . " Louis ended up slipping on the rocks and getting his shoes soaked anyway . The tide pools were just so full of life ! It was so neat to see them . The rocks were very slippery , and we all took our turns falling , but it was so worth it ! For me the best part of going to Point Loma , is laying on the edge of the cliff and looking down into the ocean . I will walk all over and find different spots to lay and watch the waves . I also love the sounds of the ocean . Two saying kept popping into my head . One was the words to our God is an awesome God , and the other was Carpe diem . I had a few moments that me stop and smile . I smiled the whole time I was down there , but these moments were the light bulb moments . The first on was when we came across an older couple and they asked me to take a picture of them and they asked if I could get the water in the picture . I took the picture and they told me that this was the first time they had ever been there . I told them that this was my favorite play ground . The couple walked off and sat upon this really high rock . I though nothing more of it until I looked over at them and they were watching all of playing and having a good time . The light bulb for me was seeing them just laughing and pointing at us . They were so cute and so sweet , and I could see Rusty and I being them years down the road . I am glad that couple had a good time even if it was just watching us youngsters playing . The other light bulb moment came when I saw Chris 's face lite up . he had never been down there and he was just in shock at the beauty of it all . Once we got down to the cliffs he had so much fun climbing , and slipping , and looking at the tide pools . I was not sure if Chris would have a good time . In his family you can only have a good time if you spend a ton of money , so going some place free was very different for him . I am so glad that he did have a good time and that it did not cost us anything . My light bulb moment with Chris was when I realized that he realized that you do not have to spend a lot of money to have a great time and that sometimes the best memories are made by chance . On Saturday some more friends showed up . I was so excited to see them ! I snatched up the baby and just hugged her and kissed on her . She is the only baby in our group , and I just love having a baby here . There is just something so magical about babies . Saturday was so nice . So everyone decided to go up to the water falls . The water falls are only about 10 minutes from the house , and I knew they would be going good since we have had a lot of rain and snow thins year . I usually pack a lunch and some water bottles and the kids and I will spend the day up there just playing . I stayed home this time . Rusty asked me why I did not go tot he falls and I had to confess to him that I was sore from being at the cliffs the day before . Rusty just laughed and said " So you are admitting that you are not as young as you think you are . " Yep that is what I was saying . Saturday night we all went over to Sam 's house for a cook out . My girlfriend and I left early because the baby was getting tired . I set up the pack and play we laid the baby down for the night . It was so nice to just be able to sit and talk to another female . After everyone else got back they headed out to go bowling . I told my girlfriend to go . The baby was sleeping and she was fine . My girlfriend said it was to be able to go out and to not have to worry about the baby . I am a stay at home mom . I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life . I keep it real here and I hold nothing back . My life is a roller coaster ride , so strap on your seatbelt . . . . here we go !

So yesterday I was kind of in a tizzy over all my animals falling apart . Well Mason and Smarty are healing up just fine . So that is 2 less to fret over . Butch has yet another lesion and a vet visit is inevitable . But then Butch is also very old , and we have known for a long time that the end was not to far off for him . Perhaps there is something to do be done , but if not , then it is what it is . From the day I brought him home , I knew we would not have him for years and years , in fact we have had him much longer than I expected . We have done well by him , he has had a wonderful life with us , being spoiled rotten on a daily basis . No I am not putting him in the ground yet , I 'm just saying I have come to terms with how things are . Fretting isn 't going fix anything . The vet visit went well and I can say I was so proud of my girl . She was a perfect doll for it all , even the vet said so . We got some definite answers on some things , and some slightly less definitive answers on others , but we have a plan and I 'm going to follow it . Dr . R , started from scratch . I had emailed her all of Sassy 's history , but since we had gone in so many directions with her , we both felt that a fresh start was in order . She began by watching her move and could see that she was clearly worse on the left than the right , but that there is lameness on both . Although on the straight away , she was sound . She did a flexion test on both with no changes , although Sassy did resist the flexion more on the left . Then she did nerve block . She started with the outside left and we saw some improvement . Then she did the outside right with out much change . Then she did the inside left and the inside right . By time she was done Sassy was moving at least 90 % better . She attributed the other 10 % to her thinner soles and the terrain that she was moving on . I had to agree with her on that because she would move perfect for several strides and then take a short step then move good again . Then she did the xrays . There was no sign of the former coffin bone issue , so it has healed . She showed us some very mild changes of her navicular bone . Not the same changes that the last vet showed me , but they are there . She said that she feels that this is the cause of her pain . She gave me the option of doing the MRI , but also warned that because this has been a chronic issue , and not an acute issue , the treatment plan will most likely be the same . Here is what we are going to do . She wants me to take her to a specific farrier ( not the same one who came to trim last time ) who she feels has the correct experience to help her . He is local so that is helpful . She wants to see what the corrective shoeing does for her . We may end up adding in some injections into her bursa depending on what we see with the shoeing . She also wants her on a shorter farrier cycle . She says 8 weeks is too long , 5 weeks tops is what she needs . She also said that an anti - inflammatory dose of bute for a while ( 2 grams rather than 4 ) would be a good thing . Especially until she gets her corrective shoes . She wants me to put her on injectable joint supplements , rather than oral , so that she gets an exact dose . Unfortunately with my job / financial situation , for now we will have to keep with the oral . But of course she said that Oral is better than nothing , so as soon as I can I will be getting some Cosequin . It is still expensive , but from the research I have done and the reviews , it seems to be my best choice for now . I 'm hoping I can get it at a discount rate at work . . . . could I be so lucky ? If the shoeing and supplements don 't make any difference , then we can go back to the MRI option . Although truthfully if it doesn 't work , I will probably just put her down . I have to draw the line somewhere , and that is going to be it . We also discussed Danny and his weight loss . She told me not to worry too much yet . She assured me that the move and extreme temperature changes effect an older horse a lot more than the younger ones . She told me I need to micro manage his food intake , keeping him on his own at feeding time to make sure he is getting all of his food . I have put him back on the Platinum performance and she said to keep him on that along with the senior feed . Then she said that even though he just had his teeth checked in April , and they were ok , to go ahead and get them floated asap . She also said that she felt that he would be picking up very soon . She said that a lot of older horses really flourish in the fall here , so we will see . I set him up in his own stall yesterday and he is just going to have to deal with it . He gets time out with Trax every day in the pasture , but he is going to have to be stalled by himself . All in all she was very nice , she explained things on the xrays very well , made sure we didn 't have any questions , and once again gave me some hope . We did discuss the option of doing a nervectomy , but I didn 't like that plan . She didn 't either . I liked though , that we discussed all the different options , and she was great about " whatever you want to do , we will do " . I am always afraid that my horses are overweight , but she said that Sassy is a perfect 5 and there is absolutely no laminitis at all going on . In fact , she said that everything in her xrays look fabulous except for those very minor navicular changes and her thin soles and under run heels . Now after reading back over all of this , I recognize that corrective shoeing isn 't going to heal her . At this point I just don 't want her to be in pain and I don 't know what else to do except follow the vets instructions and see what happens . I know that there are people who can heal horses like this with the right barefoot trims and stuff . But I am not that person , I don 't know anyone who is , so for now I will work with what I have . Right now her and the King of the Fatties are out there wandering the property eating all the grass grown up around the trees . They seem to be having a great time . . . oops no sooner did I type that , but TC came in and told me to go catch my horse . Seems Sassy went under my rope gate and out to the road . You know what they say about the grass always being greener . Now she is out puddle jumping in the arena . Digging in the water and just being her silly old self . TC wants to go up to Globe today , so it is time for me to post this and get all my ponies back in their " homes " for the day . 1 . Danny is losing weight rapidly and it scares me . 2 . Sassy 's vet visit is today , and I am worried what we will find . 4 . Both Mason and Smarty Pants have either been bit by something or gotten something under their skin which has left an open wound . I started treating with Vetrycin last night , along with some bitter yuck to keep them from licking . But I fear another vet bill is on its way . 5 . I am still only working part time , not getting enough hours , cannot seem to find a second part time job that does not involve telemarketing ( which I will do if I have too ) and my animals are all falling apart . I am afraid I am going to have to start selling stuff off to stay afloat . Meaning my car , my artwork collection , any antiques I have that are worth anything . Last night I rode Killian again . He hates being ridden , I can tell . He does everything he can to get out of it . Like tries to run me into the fence , takes control and heads back to the gate on his own , you know , bad horse things like that . We worked on his manners a lot . We worked on standing still while mounting . We worked on remembering who is actually in charge , and we worked on softening . He is like a giant steel gun boat , with about that type of maneuverability . Basically none . I worked on letting my air so he would relax , he didn 't . I tried serpentine 's , he did them but not very well . I tried trotting in a straight line while asking him to flex at the jaw . . . he almost gave on that one . Then Simon came out after football , still in his pads and stuff , and ran from one end of the arena to the other . As Killian and I stood there an watched him I could feel the tension in Killian building until he was literally trembling . I don 't know why that bothered him so much . It was as if he wasn 't sure what Simon was even though he started at our side , ran to the opposite end of the arena and then ran back . The minute he got closer , Killian relaxed as if to say , " Oh it 's just the kid " I don 't know . It was odd . After that we did some loping . All I wanted to do was lope in a couple of circles . Circles the size of my own choosing . All Killian wanted to do was lope to the gate . I wanted a continuous lope , he wanted to trot lope trot . His fast trot is so bone jarring I could hear my spine crunching with each step . I did not have spurs on so my only tools were my legs and smooches . I was using some roping reins , so I didn 't even have a rein end to smack him with . . . he needed to be smacked though . There will be some tack changes before we ride again . We were loping ( trying ) to the left , he would pick up the left lead , then head straight for the fence even though I was turning him with my leg and his head . He flat out ignored me . The impending fence would cause him to slow to the trot . I 'd smooch him back up to a lope , he 'd leave on the right lead , which would keep him from being able to smoothly make the circle . The word awful doesn 't even begin to describe how that gait feels . Finally he gave me one full circle of my choosing ( on the wrong lead ) to the left . I took him to the center and we rested . I got off and called it done . I let him cool down some and then hosed him down . He was pretty sweaty and really tired , but it is good for him . I think though that we will start doing some round pen work first with him before each ride . He has gotten to be a little too big for his britches . I wanted to ride Trax this morning , but I 'm still pretty sore from riding last night . It should not hurt that much to ride a horse . Especially one that is 17 and " very well broke . " He has lost his status as my " go to " horse . Today after doing a bit of running in town , I was sitting in the back yard enjoying the cooler than usual temps . Simon had been out there with me , messing with his gold panning stuff , but then he wasn 't . I wasn 't really paying attention to where he went off to , in fact I wasn 't even totally aware that he was gone . TC came out and told me to tell Simon to mow the lawn this evening . I assured him I would after clarifying that " this evening " did not mean " right this minute " but did in fact mean " before dark " Communication like this is vital in our house . It is never safe to assume what TC means . You always want to clarify . Which isn 't to say that he is a tyrant or anything like that . But being an old school , small town , Wyomingite , his definition of phrases are not always the same as mine . It is so much easier to avoid an argument by simply asking him to clarify . Anyway , I knew I had not yet picked up the morning dog poo ( even though it was now pushing 5 pm - Hey its Sunday , I can slack a little ! ) So I did that , put some rose food on my babies and then sat down for a minute waiting for the boy to reappear . I waited . He was not . I immediately figured out where he was . Across the road that boarders the back side of our property is a large desert area . It is fenced off and from what I understand , privately owned . There is a gate , and one of my neighbors has possession of the key so that people can ride their horses there , but other than that your only way in is on foot . Simon has recently discovered that not only is there good sand for gold hunting out there , there are also " treasures " . So I pulled on some boots and headed out to find him . I walked out to where I suspected he would be , and I called and called . There was no sign of him . Not even a foot print . I was getting a bit nervous . I began asking myself what kind of mother doesn 't think to pay attention to where her son is going ? What kind of mother doesn 't think to tell her son not to just wander off to the desert without telling some one ? Granted he is 14 , but still , we should have rules , and I should have noticed that he was leaving . I totally suck ! I walked North just a tad , calling his name as loud as I could . Still nothing . I walked South , still nothing . I walked back home and went to get my car . The battery was dead . I took TC 's flatbed and drove up our road , across the back road and then in the borrow ditch between the road and the fence and I put it first and let er coast while I scanned what I could see of the horizon . I found myself seriously wishing that I was on horse back , for the higher vantage point and the ability to cover ground faster . Not to mention four - hoof - drive . Suddenly he pops out from behind some bushes . Not to scare me but because he just happened to be slipping through the fence at that time . He had an old worn out motorcycle tire on his shoulder , a cow horn and piece of hide in his hand , and a out of production beer bottle in his pocket . I seriously wanted to jump his case and forbid him from ever going into the desert again . But I easily resisted that urge . I wanted to be mad but I couldn 't . Let me explain . As a young girl I had a terrible habit of wandering off . I have always been an explore at heart I think . Or perhaps a gypsy , I don 't know . I can 't even begin to tell you how many times my mom was ready to call the police because she thought I was gone for good . This was usually just as I came home completely oblivious to how long I had been gone , or that anyone might have been worried about me . Not once was I ever lost . I always knew my way home , and just didn 't understand what all the fuss was about . I started this when I was in about 1st grade , and it continued all the way up into my adult years . It truly has only been in the last 10 or 15 years that I finally started making sure some one knows where I am . Plus I am not as physically fit as I was then so I tend not to walk off as much . Being a desert dweller most of my life , I totally get how easily he could just be having the time of his life wandering through the desert , picking up rusty treasures , cool rocks , or what ever . It is the best way to lose yourself , and find yourself all at the same time . But things have changed in the desert in the last 15 years . It isn 't always quite as safe as it used to be . Plus he isn 't from here . I mean he is , but he was young when he left , so it is a little easier to get lost . So we made new rules . No desert walks without letting us know when and where he is going . No desert walks without a walkie talkie . ( set to a prearranged channel ) or cell phone . ( preferably a cell ) No desert walks without a stick and a knife . At my job I am surrounded by youngsters . They are good kids and I like most of them very much . They are polite and hard working , and just down right fun to be around . One of them got a visit last night from his Papaw and Nanna . It was the highlight of my evening . Youngster 's Papaw , came to my register , and standing next to me was also his great niece ( who also works there ) . So as she spoke with his wife , he and I chatted . Very quickly we were deeply engaged in a wonderful conversation about what is clearly his favorite topic in the world . Horses . Papaw is a retired roper . From the sounds of it , he is / was just an amateur , but an amateur with skill . Even more important , Papaw is a horseman . He talked about the old cowboys who taught him how to rope . Not just rope the easy steers , but to rope those " trashy steers " that no one else could hit . Not only did he learn how to toss a loop but he learned how to push a loop with the palm of his hand , and when to use that little trick , in just the right situation . He learned how to make that rope do his bidding , with the flick of a wrist or just the right little twist to one side or the other . When he spoke of roping it was very reminiscent of the way Michael Johnson speaks of roping in Healing Shine . It was with an adoration that one would speak of a first kiss , or a first love . I have never been into roping . I always said I could care less to ever learn how to rope . But listening to these men speak of it . . . I don 't know . . . it makes me feel a little differently about it all . To have that passion and that skill . It must be a beautiful feeling . He told me about his favorite horses of his past . The ones he raised and trained from a colt . He talked about ground work and lunge lines and about how he never once put a tie down on any of horses . He talked of how it was vital to him to always run on a loose rein , and he never wore spurs . Yet he said he rarely ever got out run by a steer . His horses liked to rope , and that is how it is supposed to be . He also told me a story about a time when he was the working the chute . A man came into the head box on a horse that was just lathered head to toe . The man ( and I use the term lightly ) had been out warming up and spurring the crap out of his horse . When he wasn 't spurring him , he was beating him over the head with the rope . One can only assume that he was trying to get the poor horses adrenaline up to have a fast run . Papaw watched this for a minute and then simply walked away . He refused to work the chute for someone who would treat an animal like that . Especially since ( he said ) the horse was not doing anything wrong . It was that way the entire night . If that fool came to the box . Papaw walked away . He told me that he has regretted to this very day , that he did not simply offer to buy the horse from the man . Clearly the man didn 't think the horse was doing anything right , so he probably would have been happy to have the cash . Of course I shared a little of my story with Trax . I told him of his history , about our first show , and how I failed my horse . I 'll admit in doing so , I got a little teary eyed . I honestly shared my shame at my lack of understanding for what Trax needed . I don 't know why , but I told him the whole story , what I did wrong , what I did right , how it made me feel , and what I am trying to accomplish now . I mean I didn 't know this old man from Adam , but here I was spilling my guts to him over the register counter . He said , " It 's okay , we all make mistakes , but you are learning from them and your boy knows that . He will keep trying for you because he knows that you are trying for him . " He was teary eyed too . ( I swear it 's true ) He told me about his best horse ever , Sonny . He was a big horse of great breeding . He had him out at one of the local roping competitions and doing pretty well . While he was in between turns an old man in bib overalls and a plaid shirt came up and spoke to him . He had a piece of straw sticking out one side of his mouth . The old man said , " That 's a nice horse you got there son . " Papaw agreed , and just then someone called to him and asked him to herd a steer for them . When he went back to finish the conversation the old man was gone . No one he asked knew who the man was , or where he had come from . It was as if he had just vanished as quickly as he appeared . Yup , we were both teary eyed again . Finally I stopped to look at the clock . Holy Moly ! Over half an hour had gone by in a flash ! Luckily it was so close to closing time , not a single person had come to the register in that time . I said , " Well I 'd best let you folks on your way . " I smiled and thought to myself . . . me too ! This was a man that is passionate about the relationship he has with his equine brothers . He cares about how they feel , and that they are treated well . He has a couple of rescue 's now . He no longer rides , but he still loves his horses ( and the donkey and the mule which he rescued and cares for ) and appreciates them for the individuals that they are . Even more important , he is passing his passion on to his grandson as well . I want to be like him . I have contacted a local vet and am taking Sassy in next week . I have decided to take one more shot at getting an accurate diagnosis , and trying to heal her . This will be the last time . I just cannot do this anymore . After hearing the entire story and seeing a couple of the past xrays , the vet did not seem real confident about the outcome of this situation . So I am preparing myself for the decision I suspect I am going to have to make soon . In other news , the new job is going ok . Even the stern old cowboy guy seems to sort of not hate me . LOL I am learning the computer system and learning what products are where and what the products are . In all the years that I have been buying horse feed , I knew there were so many , but to this day I don 't know why one is better or worse than the other . That is my goal . To learn these things . I rode the King of the Fatties last night . That would be Killian . As I brushed and saddled him he turned and looked at me and the words were clearly written on his face . " Why are you doing this after dark ? You know there are monsters in the dark . We DO NOT ride after dark ! " He acted quite foolish to start , running around like a mad man , refusing to stop , refusing to turn , refusing to do anything but go where he wanted and drag me along with him . It was sooooo not like him . I guess he was trying to convince me that this was in fact , a very bad idea . But my foolishness outlasted his , and we pushed on . If he wanted to go every which way , we did just that . We did so many serpentine 's and pretty soon he was thrilled to go in a straight line . I asked him to trot and he did the not quite a canter trot , which I hate , but I rode it out and kept him going until he finally settled down into a nice easy trot . And then we trotted more . . . and more . . . . and more , until the sweat ran down his sides and onto the ground . Killian is getting man boobs . Danny has man boobs , but at his age has earned the right to have them . Killian is still a bit young for man boobs , and so we will be building them into muscle . . . by trotting . Lots and lots of trotting . He is so spoiled rotten from just hanging out in the pasture , pushing Sassy around and making mean faces at Danny . Little does he know vacation time is over . This morning I rode Trax . He has a thing where he doesn 't want to lunge to the left at a lope . so we worked on that . We lunged until he was soft in both directions . You know , back how he used to be . Then we rode . We did very little fancy stuff , just loped circles until they became easy circles . We did lots of trotting while flexing towards the fence . We did this back and forth until I could get him to flex with just the slightest touch of the rein . At one point I looked over towards Danny 's pen and noticed it was empty . It seems as though someone forgot to latch it when removing Trax . If I catch that person I will kick her butt ! So Trax and I rode towards the arena gate . He moved right into position to open it but then did not want to stick around to close it . Since I knew we were coming back and I needed to go find Danny , I let it go . . . this time . That got him a nice cool hose down ( which he has decided that he loves now ) and some pasture time . He and Danny are out there right now . Now I get to go do domestic stuff , but first I shall go check out some hay sources . Much more fun that domestic crap ! Posted by Even better , down the row a ways I think some of the other neighbors are going to start coming out to visit as well . I 'm not positive but I think that many of them are mini - roses . Or maybe their growth is just stunted due to lack of H2o . I am doing my best to nurture them back to health . The New farrier was out on Thursday . Some things about him I liked , other things I 'm still not sure about . The main thing I liked is that although he is old school , he is actively seeking out new information on shoeing and trimming . He did Killian first who can sometimes be a tad of a butthead , and he ended up smacking him on the stomach with the file . Not real hard , but enough to get his attention . I know this is fairly common practice among farriers , and he wasn 't beating him , he was just disciplining him . BUT I have a different method which I think is much more effective . I push them sideways . I move their feet in the most difficult way possible and suddenly standing still is the best idea ever . With that being said , Killian did not give him another second of trouble , so at that point I left it be . Killian 's feet were a mess . I should have taken before pictures but I was so embarrassed about how they looked . I decided not too . The thing is , it had only been 6 weeks , so it isn 't like I have been neglecting my horses . But they all sure looked like it . Because they were so bad , he ended up having to be trimmed a little short . So now he is a tad sore on the gravel . Not limping sore , just tender footed . It isn 't the first time this has happened with him . So I wasn 't surprised . He 'll grow out and be ok . He is pretty dry though so I think I need to get him on some Biotin and possibly go back to those flat shoes he had before . He sure did move nice in them . Next was Sassy . I know that Sassy will get antsy so before I ever let him touch her I moved her feet a little just to get her mind right . She was good for him till the last hind foot . Oddly enough everyone does her right hind last and that is the one she always gives trouble on . Still she wasn 't bad , so that was good . He noticed her limping right off the bat . Left front - he called it . So we started discussing her and her issues . He began to tell me of some new stuff he has been learning , with new equipment and a boot that you strap on . . . . I interrupted him , " Oh Gene 's stuff " As it turns out , when I wanted Gene Ovnicek to see Sassy , he could not because he was in Arizona at a clinic . What I found out , is that one of the " test horses " they used for this clinic belonged to none other than this farrier who was working on my horse . So I told him the whole story of Sassy and her clogs , and working with the ELPO Farrier ( Steve ) and everything we had been through . Turns out he has met Steve as well . One of the things he told me is that he was ready to put his horse down . He was very skeptical of the whole thing , and they ended up putting clogs on his horse as well . They worked great for a bit but then they didn 't . He called the other farrier ( not Gene but another guy ) who initially brought him on this deal , and said , " Hey this is crap that you are feeding me , his is as bad as he ever was . " The other guy said , " No if he is limping again it means the soft tissue is healing and we need to take the clogs off " So they took the clogs off , and he was better . What my new farrier told me he has found is that with the clogs , is that you have to do constant maintenance every couple of weeks . That was not even possible with Sassy when I was using Steve because there was 500 miles between us . So with that in mind this farrier has offered , if I am interested , to call up his buddy who got him started on this , and have them come and do another evaluation on her . Then he will make himself available for maintenance anytime I call him and say , hey she is limping again . This buddy , is an ELPO farrier , and has all the same training and equipment that Steve did . Here is where I am at on this whole thing . First off , I have Gene 's number and he comes down here regularly . He has already agreed to see Sassy when I am ready . He is the " Godfather " of all of this . So common sense tells me to go to " the man himself " rather than his students . On the other hand , if she does need the bi - weekly maintenance , Gene will not be available for that . So that kind of puts me in the same position I was in before . Secondly , her left front was where the original coffin bone injury was , that is where she is limping the worst . Common sense says we still have an issue there . I think before I spend any more money on special shoes or anything else . I need to get her looked at again , by a new vet . I need to know if it has or has not healed . I need to know what exactly we are treating . Now , with all that being said , once he was done trimming her , she should could barely walk across the driveway . The driveway has some large rocks and all my horses walk a little slow across it , but she really has a hard time . I am not blaming the farrier because he barely trimmed anything off of her at all . Trust me I was watching . The girl is in some serious pain right now . Enough pain that I 'm headed out to bute her here real soon . She had trouble with it before the trim , now it is bad . I still think she needs boots or casts or something . Argh ! I just don 't know what to do with this horse ! One thing we did was look at her hoof health - wise . She no longer has those deep grooves that she used to and over all her hoof looks healthier than they used too . But clearly she is " Hoof Sore " . Danny has always had the best feet of any of my horses . I mean as far as actual hoof condition goes . This was not the case on this day . He was starting to splay out to the side real bad and is starting to show signs of white line disease . The farrier was able to trim it all away , but why his feet were so bad after only 6 weeks makes no sense to me . The farrier said he looked like he had foundered at one time , but I don 't see how . Danny is getting hard to keep weight on . Even when he is out to graze he spends half his time at the gate wanting to go inside and rest . So of all my horses he is the one least likely to founder . At least with my understanding of founder , that is what I believe . I am willing to admit that my understanding could be wrong . So more research will be involved for sure . One thing I am keeping in mind is that so much has changed for these horses . They are still in a dry sandy environment , but they have never had Bermuda grass , which is basically what that pasture is . So there is something to factor in . Their water has changed and there for are getting different minerals there . I suspect that there will be a lot of trial and error going on for a while until I figure out what the right combo of food and grazing is for these guys . I don 't know much about Bermuda grass , so I guess it is time to learn . 3 of my horses are getting pretty fat . That is coming to end NOW . I have cut everyone 's haycubes back except Danny 's . And the amount of pasture time they get now is no more than a few hours at a time . I have also started separating Danny and Trax at meal times , because I think Trax is getting some of Danny 's food . Danny just eats slower than " Traxster the pigster " . I 'm really considering going to some grass hay for these guys , in some slow feeders . They need something to do during the day besides tear down my fly traps , and ruin my automatic waterers . So here I am still beating my head against the wall with Sassy , and now with Danny too . It seems like it is always something . Time to start scraping some vet money together I guess . Dogs to get fixed , mares to get looked at . . . . it never ends ! LOL 1 . I think my priorities are a little out of whack . When unpacking , it was much more important to me to get all my artwork hung up , than it was to get my clothes put away . So at this point , most of my clothes are still in big black trash bags . On the other hand , my walls look fabulous ! 2 . My ponies are visibly upset at the lack of pasture time the are receiving these days . But alas , it is for the greater good . I am trying desperately to get some good growth out there and if I let them out for as long as they wanted it won 't happen . 3 . I am seriously having a hard time coming up with 5 things today . 5 . Last night TC sent me a text from WY . Basically he said that it is not the same with out me there , and he can 't wait to get back here . Awwwwwww ! Note to Self - morning rides must start before 8 am . By time I got dressed and out the door to work with Trax it was already almost 9 am . It was already too hot by then , but we persevered ( and by we , I mean I ) and got to work . I decided that since I haven 't even had a chance to try out the side pull which Louisa was so kind to send to me ( and Crystal was so kind to send to her ) so today was a good day to give it a shot . We started with lunging in the arena but when I asked him to kick it up to a canter to the right he kept just backing up and trying to pull me off my feet . This is something he has done a few times as of late and it is getting pretty old . So we changed the game plan . We moved to the round pen . I tied the lead rope on the saddle horn and drove him to the right . Funny how suddenly cantering to the right was the best idea ever . Then we switched back to the left . His downward transitions were wonderful . I was a little surprised . I worked a little on his foot work . You know , asking him to yield left and right while crossing his proper foot in front . He usually wants to cross in the back . Each time he crossed correctly I removed the pressure . Eventually I was able to get a few proper steps in each direction , so we called it good there . I " installed " the sidepull , I 'm hoping correctly , tightened my cinch and got up on him . We bent left and right and that was nice and easy . We stayed in the round pen , since I did not know how much control I would have and figured that since I had one , I may as well be safe and use it . I 'm kind of glad I did . Not that he was bad or out of control , but he felt like he really needed to move his feet a lot today . He wanted to lope and so I dropped the reins and let him . My round pen is a nice size , big enough to canter in , small enough to keep him from getting up to much speed . He loped a nice easy lope and I just sat there doing my best not to lean to the inside . He in turn did his best to not drag my ankle across the side rails . A fair trade , I think . One time he got a little close . I said to him , " Hey Bud , lets not break my ankle ok ? If my ankle is broken I can 't work , if I can 't work I can 't buy you food . " With a flick of his ear and a shift of his path , he replied , " Sorry about that . " I haven 't quite figured out where his head is at during these times . Especially this time . I mean he was perfectly happy just loping in circles . If it had been cooler outside I 'm sure we 'd still be out . But he wasn 't like crazy running away , because these were smooth easy circles . He could have gone faster than he was , I have seen him run smaller circles at a much higher rate of speed with out any problem . I haven 't decided if running just makes him happy or if it is his way of getting out of working . Not that he is trying to scare me , or lose me or anything like that . I mean if he was trying to get rid of me , he knows how . I mean that for him running in circles takes zero thought what so ever and he can do it all day . Working on serpentine 's , leg yields , side passes , spins , backing up , all of that takes brain work . It is more challenging for him . Anyway , after he finally decided he was done , we worked on moving off my leg without spurs . He did just fine . So I rewarded him with a walk around the block . As we walked we ran into a gal who lives two doors down . We have spoken a few times when she rides her roan mare past . This is the first time she has seen my horse up close . We chatted for a bit about lameness and roping and houses , and such , then I headed on my way . By time we got back home I was ready to get my jeans off and some shorts on ! Gave Trax a quick hose down and put him away . But not before I took this . I 'm rolling things around in my mind of what I would like to do with him today . First and foremost , the ride WILL be long enough to get him back in training mode . Second I think that I really want to lose the spurs and go back to basics with asking him to stop and move off my legs . The impatient person in me wants to get out there and really get to moving around a working on the fun stuff . But the voice that I have learned to actually listen too , tells me to back up and go slower . So that is what we will do . A week or so ago I was driving home and there were a bunch of cows out and so I stopped and knocked on the door of the house whose yard they were in and told the guy his cows were out . As it turned out , they were not his but belonged to the neighbor across the road . I assisted with the " round up " and we introduced ourselves briefly . I told him where we lived and he asked if we had horses , so of course I told him . ( duh , when am I going to pass up a chance to talk about my Trax ) I told him I am trying to get into ranch versatility . He told me that he has a string of bucking horses and bulls and that on Wednesday nights they run practice . He invited us to come over any time . Last night as we were driving home from football practice the corner where he lives is wall to wall pick ups . Young cowboys were headed to the pens with their bags of gear , old cowboys were on the pick up horses , and the cloud of dust was huge . I wanted to stop and watch but knew I needed to get home and let my doggies out . ( must get doggie door soon ) At least I thought I might want to watch . In some ways I am not sure . It is very possible that I don 't want to see what really goes on there . Does that make sense ? The young gal who worked on training me today is another one of those young women who I believe is going to take over the world . She is truly an " old soul " . I enjoyed every bit of our time together , even though I didn 't get to learn a whole lot . We just don 't have enough customers yet , but we will soon I am sure of that . The man in charge of the equine dept is an old cowboy , who is quite knowledgeable about his products , and his customers . A great quality to have . After I was done for the day , I decided to go pick up a new manure fork , since mine is missing rungs and all the poop falls out . I also decided to just browse the the Equine section a little bit . I always look at supplements and things along those lines when shopping through stores like this . I 'm not sure what it is I am looking for , perhaps the miracle quick fix that I can give to Sassy to make her all better over night . But really I was just looking . As I was looking the old - cowboy - turned - salesman came up and asked if I was finding everything I was looking for . I should have recognized that he was probably just honing his customer service skills , but for some reason all common sense left me . It flew out of my brain and off into the sunset right at that very moment . I stood there wondering if I should go after him and try to tell him about my paint horse and all his baggage . The mental image flashed across my brain ( Crazy chick with poop fork chasing nice cowboy around the store " But . . er . . . um . . . wait . . . I haven 't told you about my crazy paint yet ! He was all messed up . . . fixed . . . still working . . . come so far . . . . . 3rd place ! " As he dives into a stack of feed hoping to lose me . Store manager comes and fires me for scaring his other employees . I am removed from store and told never to come back . ) I have to admit to suffering through a small bout of depression since moving here . I had envisioned riding every day , and wanting to do things , but I don 't . I don 't want to do anything . It is nice and cool out this morning ( ok well relatively cool ) and I should be out with my horses . But I don 't feel like it . I don 't feel like sweeping up the ever growing piles of dog hair in my house . I don 't feel like cleaning pens . I don 't feel like finishing the last of the unpacking , and I darn sure don 't feel like going to a job today ! Instead I got up at 5 had 2 cups of coffee , sat in the back yard and tried to change my mindset . No it didn 't really work , but in just a second I 'll be out with the ponies getting them fed and the manure scooped . Not because I want to but because I have to . I chose to sit in the back yard today , so I could watch the sun rise . The down side of that is that the mosquito 's are worse back there . So it was a great chance to try out my new weapon . Rub yourself down with a bounce dryer sheet and then stick it in your hator your bra , or your shoes or where ever . It works much better than spray and you smell good too . Did I mention that I have rose bushes ? No ? Well ok then , I have rose bushes . Or at least I have what is left of rose bushes . I love roses and have always wanted to have some growing in my yard . Now I do and guess what ? I have no idea what to do with them . They had bloomed beautifully before we moved here , but I didn 't get to see it . All I got to see were a bunch of dead buds . I think I am supposed to prune them back so that they can grow again . I guess I need to google it and see what I come up with . Well now the sun is up , and it is time to get moving . ARGH ! Why can 't I just hide under the covers today ? So I am temporarily filling in as a part time cashier . . . . . at a different location a bit further away . But hey , it is just a matter of time before they realize how awesome I am , and open a location close to home just for me to manage . I start my training today . Who 'd have thunk that a ditch full of water pouring into our pasture could be so exciting for me ! I couldn 't believe how quickly the ground soaked up all the water though . I mean it was gone in an hour . But it already looks greener this morning than it did before . It has not been irrigated in a long time , several months I know , so I was surprised that there was any grass at all . I will keep the horses off of it for a while to give it a chance to really grow , and we will irrigate weekly for a while . Once it comes back we should be able to cut back some . Then I decided it was time for some long past due grooming on the ponies . I ended up buying some of the " Shoo Fly " fly spray before we left WY . It is good stuff , thick and oily so it sticks well , but everyone 's coats were icky and sticky and full of dirt and crud . So I brought each one to the dog yard ( so as to maximize water usage ) for a " Spa Day " Killian is the great pretender . The minute I turned on the water he backed up at mach 9 acting like I was spraying him with some sort of skin burning acid . I know for a fact that he has had many baths and is not really afraid of water . This is how he tries to get out of things . He acts afraid . He is so good at it too , until he finally realizes that I am not going to buy into his game . Then he stands quietly and even drops his head so that I can wash his face . He doesn 't even mind being sprayed in the face . Such a goof ball . Super Shiney ! The gratuitous tail shot . Next was Sassy , she loves baths . She stands quietly and thrives off the attention . I tried to get a picture of her lovely head but she wasn 't cooperating for that . She was ready to have her turn at grazing . I forgot to mention that last week I got a text from her former owner , who was just checking up on her . We chatted for a long time , she says that Sassy looks just like her dam , only a different color . We talked about her lameness and she apologized for giving me a horse with problems , but I told her it was not her fault . She wasn 't lame when I got her , and it is just one of those things that happens . She told me that she hopes to get another horse out of the same dam from the guy in Texas who bred her . Then it was Danny 's turn . Poor Danny kind of gets a little neglected . In the grooming dept I mean . He rarely ever goes anywhere , so his main and tail were turning to dread locks . Danny really has never cared for baths , and especially hates getting his face washed . He kept trying to leave , I mean like if I turned around to grab the soap or the brush , when I turned back he was headed out of the grass and over to the gravel area behind us . I 'm not sure where he thought he was going as there is fence all around , but he was getting the heck away from me . I also found that he has a sore spot from the fly mask , so I had to leave it off for a while . It must have just happened because I check them every couple of days for rub marks . I put some natures edge on it to help it heal . Looking alright for a horse his age . Finally I did Trax . By time it was his turn I was sun burnt , tired , and covered in bug bites , so I 'm not sure I put as much effort into him as I did with the others . Not that it matters anyway , even though I waited till he was dry to put him away , he immediately rolled in the dirt . The others didn 't . I some times wonder if the other horses make fun of him for having so much white , so he gets dirty to blend in with the others . LOL He is getting better about baths . Still doesn 't like to have his face sprayed , but loves to have it washed . I think it must itch a lot and the scrubbing feels good . Love that butt In other news , TC is headed back to WY for a week so I am on my own . I was called on Friday for 2 different interviews . One I did Friday and they guy wants to hire me . It is as a part time cashier for a Ranch Supply store . It will work into more hours though and possibly even " Head Cashier " . So that isn 't bad . The other interview was for today for an office manager position . They just called and canceled . I guess they already hired someone . Um . . . . ok ? I have put in a lot of resume 's and no one really seems to be interested in me except the Ranch Supply store , so maybe that is where I am supposed to be . The guy said they are looking to open another store closer to my area , so perhaps if I do well at this store I can work my way into a management position in a new store . I don 't know . I 'm a little discouraged , but have faith that God will provide as long as I keep doing the foot work . When I first started applying , and you have to do everything on line , I thought , " Great ! Saves money on gas ! " But now I see that it hurts me more than helps me . My resume ' is decent , but as a general rule it is who I am as a person that gets me in the door . Once I get in the door , I have no problem showing that I am right for the job , or that my skills , are every bit of what I say they are . If I can 't " sell myself " then chances are I will be passed over . The reason the guy at the ranch supply store wants to hire me , is because I walked in and handed him my resume ' and we talked . It took 3 minutes of telling him about myself to convince him that I would be an asset to his company . It was very much like this . I like the ball end which I think would be a much nicer way to communicate to him that I need him to move , this way or that way . I know I would like it more if I were him . This set ( obviously ) has a shorter shank . They are reasonably priced and once I am working I think I will try ordering a set . I 'm curious if anyone has ever tried these . The down side to this is that there is a nagging little voice in the back of my mind that says " Wrong answer - you are still taking short cuts . Slow down , go back to the beginning and teach him to move off the slightest leg pressure . " I suppose the fact that I can hear the voice is actually an up side . I think it means I 'm finally getting a clue . I rode after dark in the arena Friday night . A few of my lights aren 't working , but it was still plenty bright enough to see . Trax doesn 't seem to care for being ridden after dark . In fact he doesn 't seem to care to be ridden at all these days . We have pretty much backed up to where we were when we first started working with Mark . I understand all the reasons why , but still it is a tad annoying . I understand that he hasn 't been ridden at all since the show . He is in a new place and it is hot and the bugs drive us crazy when we are riding - even with spray . The few times we have ridden since we got here were short rides which really doesn 't even give him time to get into the mind set to learn . So because I know all these things , I don 't get upset at him , or even at myself . Right now I just roll with it , knowing that better days are ahead . I swear Killian grazes like a swather . He mows back and forth in front of him just clearing a path . It was kind of cool to be able to bring them out by the road and drop the lead ropes and just let them enjoy for a while . No one tried to leave , and there was not a single pinned ear between them . I only let them graze for about 30 min though . I had pens to clean and it wasn 't getting any cooler . But I will take them out again either this evening or again in the morning . I want to apologize ahead of time for the seriously bad camera work . TC is so " not techno " and also kept forgetting that he was holding a camera . So when the pictures sort of wanders off to nothing , that is forgetting to watch through the screen . Also I started before the judge was ready so they sent me back to start over . That was because I couldn 't hear what they were saying . Oh and that hat . . . . 3 sizes too big . LOL 1 . I HAVE GOT to let go of his face . I am so used to checking him all the time , and he just pushes into it . We have so much more work to do on this , and when I say we I really mean me . There are times when I give him some rein , some times when I give him one rein , but I need to be giving him more rein . It makes me cringe the entire time I watch this . 2 . Flying lead changes - Or lack there of . I check him down to do a simple lead change . When I do his head goes up and he fights the bit . On this day I over heard a gal ( who rides super well - btw ) discussing with a less experienced girl all the reasons why checking down for a lead change is ass backwards for the way a horse moves physically . So with that in mind , goal number 2 is to work on driving forward into those lead changes rather than checking down . Even though I do not actually know how to do goal number 2 , I know I want to do it , and once I know that , I will find an answer . 3 . Equitation - What the hell am I doing up there ? I 'm bouncing around all over the place looking like a sack of potato 's . Especially when we are working the cow . Why am I trying to fly with my elbows ? Goal number three is to learn how to sit and ride like a horseman . Or more like one anyway . Watch his stops . No he doesn 't slide , but not once on any of the stops does he fight me . Yes I am back in his face a little bit , but not near as bad as I have been in the past so that is progress . Yay ! I see him drop his nose some when we are working the cow . Not sure if I was asking for it , or if he was just doing it , but either way it is happening . Always a plus . When we are doing the circles to the right he really rates his speed well on the smaller circles . He actually appears to be relaxed an enjoying himself . At least it looks that way to me , does anyone else see it ? The back up isn 't bad . Not pretty but not bad . So here is the video , 2 . Every day at 6pm I go to watch my son 's football practice . I never used to enjoy it this , but this year he has great coaches who are really pushing these boys to learn the skills needed to win . It is a blast to watch him push himself beyond the limits of what he ever thought he could do . 3 . Every morning I take at least 5 min on my front porch to sit and drink my coffee and do my own form of meditation . I give thanks for what I have , and just take the world in around me . It is my favorite part of the day . 4 . As I type this , TC has the local news on . He tends to do this every morning . I hate watching the news , it is so depressing . In fact I am not even enjoying having cable TV again . I was quite enjoying not having any TV at all . There for I chose not to watch much . 5 . Yesterday I was very happy for the hot temps we have here . TC and I left one of the gates to the dog yard open . Then a little later let all the dogs out to potty . I happened to step out front a little bit later to find 3 out of 4 dogs at the front gate ( which was shut ) begging to come inside where it was cool . Mason , of course , was not one of those 3 . I saw him over in the empty horse pen trying to jump up to get the fly trap bag I had just hung up this morning . By time I got the other 3 put away and headed after him he was headed down the road . I tired whistling and calling to him , although I know he can 't hear me so I 'm not sure why I tried that . It was funny to watch him though because I could tell that he was totally questioning in his own mind whether or not he wanted to continue on his jaunt in the heat . I finally got his attention by waving my arms around in the air . As soon as he saw me , he came running . " OH mom , thank you for saving me , it is too hot to go exploring today ! " Usually he runs the other way . I was glad he didn 't this time because I really didn 't feel like chasing him . As we started searching for furniture to replace the stuff we gave away , we decided to go ahead and hit the antique stores first to see if we could find some cool and unique pieces that we really liked , before settling on junk that we didn 't want . We hit many stores and found a great entertainment center type thing that looks as though it is made out of old barn wood . It is new construction but is very rustic looking and was a fair price so we brought it home . We also found an empire style dresser made of cherry wood , that I just loved . The price was high but we did some haggling , and brought that home as well . Yet as much as we looked , we could not find a desk that suited our needs . TC had his heart set on a roll top desk . I was leaning more towards an old solid table with lots of space . We found several roll tops but they were just too small and cheaply made . So we made the decision last Sunday to make a run up to Globe and Miami . If you have never been there , and you get the chance . . . . go ! What a couple of neat little towns . I have been there many times , even worked a week or so up there in a store called " Wild Bill 's Emporium " owned by none other than Wild Bill Stolzey . What a character he was ! I really just can 't even describe what he was like , just an old desert rat who had been around since the dawn of time . It seems like everyone in Arizona knew him , or knew of him . He was a legend in his own time . Bald head with a ring of white hair that stood straight out on end . He always wore old cowboy boots and in the summer sported along with those boots some lovely cut off polyester cut offs that he picked up at the haberdasher across the way . His shirt was always plaid button up , with cut off sleeves in the summer . He knew more about antiques and treasures than anyone I have ever known . The way we met is a story in itself which I will share another day . He has long since passed away , but no one who had ever met him , has forgotten Old Wild Bill Anyway , I digress . TC and I drove up and went to every store that was open . At the very first store we found exactly what he was looking for . A solid oak roll top mission style desk from the early 1900 's I think . We checked the rest of the stores just to make sure there wasn 't anything we liked better , but there wasn 't . so we went back and purchased it for what seemed to be a fair price . As they were loading it , I noticed it was starting to come apart in one spot . By time we got home is was coming apart in a couple of spots . By time we got it unloaded it was in pieces . Danny managed to get into something and got a nice cut along his flank . Not deep , but just enough to attract flies so I am keeping it covered with natures edge . Killian 's feet look terrible already , I don 't know what it is with his hooves . They aren 't even that long , but they are already chipping apart . So I need to find a good trimmer pretty soon . I 'm considering trying it myself , but am still leery of that . We will see . I suppose I could get a file and at least file them down a little , right ? My job search hasn 't yielded anything yet , and I was getting frustrated looking in the east valley paper and on Monster . com . There just wasn 't much to chose from . Then someone said , " hey try craig 's list " Duh ! Why didn 't I think of that ! Today I applied at about 15 places within 10 miles of here , one of them even being a vet 's office in Gilbert , which I think would be perfect ! ! ! ! So keep your fingers crossed for me . Well time to go back to unpacking . My sons birthday is coming up and we are having a small get together for him this weekend and my house is still in boxes . Lots and lots to do ! It all started after our wonderful ride at the horse show . We did so good and she said she was so proud of me , but I am not sure that she really meant it because she stopped riding me ! I mean she didn 't do anything but give me food and spray me with that stuff . No grooming , no trailer rides no nothing . Well that is not totally true . We took one trailer ride to the vet hospital where they poked me and stuck things in my butt ( which made me want to kick them ) and then loaded us all up and took us home . Then she went away for several days . When she came back she still did not ride me , all she did was keep giving me food . Now don 't get me wrong , I like a vacation as much as the next horse , but I mean we finally had some really good weather , and she was home all day long , so how come we did not ride ? Then things went really crazy . One morning her and the Nice man , and another nice lady put halters on me and the rest of my herd . They put Danny in the trailer and then me , then Sassy and Killian was last . There was yummy cubes in little feeders for us , and lots of nice soft shavings on the floor . I thought maybe it was time to go to another show , although I thought that would be odd since we didn 't practice at all , and usually my friends don 't go to shows being that they don 't have any skills like I do , but I thought maybe it was like a show for handicapped horses . Anyway we traveled for most of the day , it seemed like we stopped a lot and thought maybe we could get out , but no . They just made us stand there in the trailer . They gave us water to drink but they did not let us out to run and play or graze on yummy grasses . So then I decided that there probably aren 't many shows for handicapped horses and so maybe we had to drive really far to find one . Danny the old man , was kind of nervous , but I talked to him once and a while and calmed him down . As we were riding Sassy told us that she had been on a long trip like this once before too . I did not believe her at first , but then I noticed that every time we stopped she was the only one smart enough to drink lots of water . She was the only one of us that did not get thirsty on the long road . She said that she came from a place called Tex Ass . But I have never been there so I don 't know if it is real . She tells stories some times . As the sun was going down we finally pulled into a place that I thought for sure was where the show for handicapped horses was , but I was wrong . I mean there were all the things that you expect to see at a show . . . arena , grandstands , stalls and cages for smelly cows , but we were the only horses there . Killian said that we must be early , and I thought that maybe he was right . Then my lady put us all in little boxes . We couldn 't see each other but we could talk and hear each other so we yelled back and forth alot . It made us feel better to hear each others voices . The boxes were smelly and did not have any soft bedding like the trailer , but at least we cold move around . Our lady gave us turns out in a big arena with soft sand and we took turns rolling and running around . That part was nice , and I was hoping she was going to let us stay in the arena for a long time , but she only let us stay for a little bit . Then she put us back in the boxes and gave us food and left us by ourselves all night . She also did something else really strange . She had all the canine 's with us too and she put them all in a box too ! She always keeps the canine in the human barn with her , so I did not understand what was going on . The other horses didn 't either . We all wondered if maybe she had bumped her head again . The next morning we all got turns in the arena again , and then back in the trailer we went . There was no show for handicapped horses there either . Maybe my lady was lost ? We drove again for a long time , sometimes it was kind of hot , but never too bad , especially since the wind was blowing in the windows . I thought that maybe we were headed home finally but nothing looked right . We just kept driving and driving . I was getting tired , and Danny was getting stiff . Sassy whined and complained about her hooves the whole time , and Killian just kept eating . Finally we stopped again and got to get out . It was another place for horse shows , but it looked like a place for poor horses who don 't have really nice ladies to take care of them . There were some other horses there , but I think they lived there the all the time . They did not have nice big pastures like we have at home . I felt bad for those ponies and I told them so . They just ignored me though . They put us in some big pens that had great big water troughs , we were so thirsty we all took big long drinks . Even Danny who can be kind of finicky . We could all smell that there was a storm coming but we were so happy to be out of the trailer we didn 't care . The air was nice and cool , and we rolled around in the dirt and looked for things to nibble on . There was lots of wood chips in these pens and Danny tried to eat them . Pretty soon the storm was right on us and there were big crazy clouds . Sassy was getting kind of crazy , she is weird like that when there is a storm . My lady came racing back to the place with the truck and trailer and they ran to get us in the trailer . Just as they shut the door the rain started pouring down . It was coming in the windows and in our faces , but we did not travel , we just sat in the trailer and waited for the storm to pass . Pretty soon it was gone and we started moving again . The sun was gone and the road was windy and twisty and made me wish I could throw up . Of course I only know what that is from watching the canines , who seem to do it a lot . I cannot throw up , but that road made me wish I could . Then all of a sudden the air changed . It went from being cool and brisk to being hot and thick . I 've never felt air so thick in my life . We went through a big city and then finally we stopped and got off the trailer . My lady put us in pens and gave us fresh water and food . We ate , but it was so hot and yucky , I was not enjoying being off the trailer . I was hoping we wouldn 't stay in this place for very long . Sassy says we are in Tex Ass , but my lady says we are in a place called Aree - zona . All I know is that it is not like our home and I am not sure I like it . I live in a big pen with Danny and that is kind of nice because we can swish flies for each other . Sassy lives with Killian ( of course ) . We do have a pasture and it does have a little bit of grass but if it doesn 't rain here soon , there won 't be any left . Big fat Killian goes out there and eats it all . Yes yes I eat some too , but that guy is a pig ! We get to take turn eating the pasture grass . So now you see , my lady brought us to this awful place where the air never gets cool , and there are these bugs called mosquitoes that like to bite us . We don 't have our barn anymore , and we have flies really bad . She sprays us with that stuff everyday , but it only helps for a little while . I don 't know what we did to deserve this terrible treatment . She said she loves me and will always take care of me , but I think she lied . She is torturing me . Oh and THEN , she decided to ride me . . . while it was hot ! See . . . . clearly she hates us . I am a sad pony now and am looking for a new place to live . If any of you nice ladies would like to have a slightly crazy paint horse come and live at your house , I will gladly come as long as you have cool air at night and plenty of green grasses . Please send directions as I cannot work a gps by myself . Also , please let me know if it is okay to bring the rest of my herd . I will feel bad if I have to leave my friends behind . We can sneak out in the night when she is sleeping . Posted by 1 . I am a confident rider2 . I ride with conviction3 . I am the leader of this team4 . We are a successful team5 . My horse can do anything6 . Up the phone Pole - down the foxhole we will go . The ramblings of a middle aged woman and her herd Welcome to my blog about my life with our herd . We live here in Arizona on our own little patch of heaven with our 3 horses , two Labradors and 2 kitties . At the ripe old age of 50 something , I have embarked upon a journey to become a better horse woman . Its been a heck of a ride so far and I 'm just getting started ! I love to hear others comments so please do not be shy . I can assure you that I read and appreciate every single comment that comes across my page . I don 't always respond but only because I don 't always have time . All photo 's on this blog belong to me , unless otherwise stated , but I don 't mind sharing so just ask . If you need to contact me privately please feel free to email me at ms . cmdurham @ gmail . com . Thanks for stopping by . Cindy D Heaven is really nothing more than a little place in the country , my family around me , and a yard full of horses and dogs . . . . my herd . I have finally found heaven , and am so completely content , I just can 't help but share with others about my life . Welcome to the ramblings of a middle aged woman and her life with her herd . View my complete profile Day 4 consisted very little of me and a lot of Simon and Killian . I decided to give myself a break , and the paint horse too . MK called at . . . Yesterday the herd was in the pasture . It was the first time they had been out in a week due to irrigation . I hate keeping them locked up . . . It was gorgeous today . I was up early to get ponies fed before the vet came . I sprayed everyone with fly spray . Tried to rake up some poop . . .

So yesterday I was kind of in a tizzy over all my animals falling apart . Well Mason and Smarty are healing up just fine . So that is 2 less to fret over . Butch has yet another lesion and a vet visit is inevitable . But then Butch is also very old , and we have known for a long time that the end was not to far off for him . Perhaps there is something to do be done , but if not , then it is what it is . From the day I brought him home , I knew we would not have him for years and years , in fact we have had him much longer than I expected . We have done well by him , he has had a wonderful life with us , being spoiled rotten on a daily basis . No I am not putting him in the ground yet , I 'm just saying I have come to terms with how things are . Fretting isn 't going fix anything . The vet visit went well and I can say I was so proud of my girl . She was a perfect doll for it all , even the vet said so . We got some definite answers on some things , and some slightly less definitive answers on others , but we have a plan and I 'm going to follow it . Dr . R , started from scratch . I had emailed her all of Sassy 's history , but since we had gone in so many directions with her , we both felt that a fresh start was in order . She began by watching her move and could see that she was clearly worse on the left than the right , but that there is lameness on both . Although on the straight away , she was sound . She did a flexion test on both with no changes , although Sassy did resist the flexion more on the left . Then she did nerve block . She started with the outside left and we saw some improvement . Then she did the outside right with out much change . Then she did the inside left and the inside right . By time she was done Sassy was moving at least 90 % better . She attributed the other 10 % to her thinner soles and the terrain that she was moving on . I had to agree with her on that because she would move perfect for several strides and then take a short step then move good again . Then she did the xrays . There was no sign of the former coffin bone issue , so it has healed . She showed us some very mild changes of her navicular bone . Not the same changes that the last vet showed me , but they are there . She said that she feels that this is the cause of her pain . She gave me the option of doing the MRI , but also warned that because this has been a chronic issue , and not an acute issue , the treatment plan will most likely be the same . Here is what we are going to do . She wants me to take her to a specific farrier ( not the same one who came to trim last time ) who she feels has the correct experience to help her . He is local so that is helpful . She wants to see what the corrective shoeing does for her . We may end up adding in some injections into her bursa depending on what we see with the shoeing . She also wants her on a shorter farrier cycle . She says 8 weeks is too long , 5 weeks tops is what she needs . She also said that an anti - inflammatory dose of bute for a while ( 2 grams rather than 4 ) would be a good thing . Especially until she gets her corrective shoes . She wants me to put her on injectable joint supplements , rather than oral , so that she gets an exact dose . Unfortunately with my job / financial situation , for now we will have to keep with the oral . But of course she said that Oral is better than nothing , so as soon as I can I will be getting some Cosequin . It is still expensive , but from the research I have done and the reviews , it seems to be my best choice for now . I 'm hoping I can get it at a discount rate at work . . . . could I be so lucky ? If the shoeing and supplements don 't make any difference , then we can go back to the MRI option . Although truthfully if it doesn 't work , I will probably just put her down . I have to draw the line somewhere , and that is going to be it . We also discussed Danny and his weight loss . She told me not to worry too much yet . She assured me that the move and extreme temperature changes effect an older horse a lot more than the younger ones . She told me I need to micro manage his food intake , keeping him on his own at feeding time to make sure he is getting all of his food . I have put him back on the Platinum performance and she said to keep him on that along with the senior feed . Then she said that even though he just had his teeth checked in April , and they were ok , to go ahead and get them floated asap . She also said that she felt that he would be picking up very soon . She said that a lot of older horses really flourish in the fall here , so we will see . I set him up in his own stall yesterday and he is just going to have to deal with it . He gets time out with Trax every day in the pasture , but he is going to have to be stalled by himself . All in all she was very nice , she explained things on the xrays very well , made sure we didn 't have any questions , and once again gave me some hope . We did discuss the option of doing a nervectomy , but I didn 't like that plan . She didn 't either . I liked though , that we discussed all the different options , and she was great about " whatever you want to do , we will do " . I am always afraid that my horses are overweight , but she said that Sassy is a perfect 5 and there is absolutely no laminitis at all going on . In fact , she said that everything in her xrays look fabulous except for those very minor navicular changes and her thin soles and under run heels . Now after reading back over all of this , I recognize that corrective shoeing isn 't going to heal her . At this point I just don 't want her to be in pain and I don 't know what else to do except follow the vets instructions and see what happens . I know that there are people who can heal horses like this with the right barefoot trims and stuff . But I am not that person , I don 't know anyone who is , so for now I will work with what I have . Right now her and the King of the Fatties are out there wandering the property eating all the grass grown up around the trees . They seem to be having a great time . . . oops no sooner did I type that , but TC came in and told me to go catch my horse . Seems Sassy went under my rope gate and out to the road . You know what they say about the grass always being greener . Now she is out puddle jumping in the arena . Digging in the water and just being her silly old self . TC wants to go up to Globe today , so it is time for me to post this and get all my ponies back in their " homes " for the day . 1 . Danny is losing weight rapidly and it scares me . 2 . Sassy 's vet visit is today , and I am worried what we will find . 4 . Both Mason and Smarty Pants have either been bit by something or gotten something under their skin which has left an open wound . I started treating with Vetrycin last night , along with some bitter yuck to keep them from licking . But I fear another vet bill is on its way . 5 . I am still only working part time , not getting enough hours , cannot seem to find a second part time job that does not involve telemarketing ( which I will do if I have too ) and my animals are all falling apart . I am afraid I am going to have to start selling stuff off to stay afloat . Meaning my car , my artwork collection , any antiques I have that are worth anything . Last night I rode Killian again . He hates being ridden , I can tell . He does everything he can to get out of it . Like tries to run me into the fence , takes control and heads back to the gate on his own , you know , bad horse things like that . We worked on his manners a lot . We worked on standing still while mounting . We worked on remembering who is actually in charge , and we worked on softening . He is like a giant steel gun boat , with about that type of maneuverability . Basically none . I worked on letting my air so he would relax , he didn 't . I tried serpentine 's , he did them but not very well . I tried trotting in a straight line while asking him to flex at the jaw . . . he almost gave on that one . Then Simon came out after football , still in his pads and stuff , and ran from one end of the arena to the other . As Killian and I stood there an watched him I could feel the tension in Killian building until he was literally trembling . I don 't know why that bothered him so much . It was as if he wasn 't sure what Simon was even though he started at our side , ran to the opposite end of the arena and then ran back . The minute he got closer , Killian relaxed as if to say , " Oh it 's just the kid " I don 't know . It was odd . After that we did some loping . All I wanted to do was lope in a couple of circles . Circles the size of my own choosing . All Killian wanted to do was lope to the gate . I wanted a continuous lope , he wanted to trot lope trot . His fast trot is so bone jarring I could hear my spine crunching with each step . I did not have spurs on so my only tools were my legs and smooches . I was using some roping reins , so I didn 't even have a rein end to smack him with . . . he needed to be smacked though . There will be some tack changes before we ride again . We were loping ( trying ) to the left , he would pick up the left lead , then head straight for the fence even though I was turning him with my leg and his head . He flat out ignored me . The impending fence would cause him to slow to the trot . I 'd smooch him back up to a lope , he 'd leave on the right lead , which would keep him from being able to smoothly make the circle . The word awful doesn 't even begin to describe how that gait feels . Finally he gave me one full circle of my choosing ( on the wrong lead ) to the left . I took him to the center and we rested . I got off and called it done . I let him cool down some and then hosed him down . He was pretty sweaty and really tired , but it is good for him . I think though that we will start doing some round pen work first with him before each ride . He has gotten to be a little too big for his britches . I wanted to ride Trax this morning , but I 'm still pretty sore from riding last night . It should not hurt that much to ride a horse . Especially one that is 17 and " very well broke . " He has lost his status as my " go to " horse . Today after doing a bit of running in town , I was sitting in the back yard enjoying the cooler than usual temps . Simon had been out there with me , messing with his gold panning stuff , but then he wasn 't . I wasn 't really paying attention to where he went off to , in fact I wasn 't even totally aware that he was gone . TC came out and told me to tell Simon to mow the lawn this evening . I assured him I would after clarifying that " this evening " did not mean " right this minute " but did in fact mean " before dark " Communication like this is vital in our house . It is never safe to assume what TC means . You always want to clarify . Which isn 't to say that he is a tyrant or anything like that . But being an old school , small town , Wyomingite , his definition of phrases are not always the same as mine . It is so much easier to avoid an argument by simply asking him to clarify . Anyway , I knew I had not yet picked up the morning dog poo ( even though it was now pushing 5 pm - Hey its Sunday , I can slack a little ! ) So I did that , put some rose food on my babies and then sat down for a minute waiting for the boy to reappear . I waited . He was not . I immediately figured out where he was . Across the road that boarders the back side of our property is a large desert area . It is fenced off and from what I understand , privately owned . There is a gate , and one of my neighbors has possession of the key so that people can ride their horses there , but other than that your only way in is on foot . Simon has recently discovered that not only is there good sand for gold hunting out there , there are also " treasures " . So I pulled on some boots and headed out to find him . I walked out to where I suspected he would be , and I called and called . There was no sign of him . Not even a foot print . I was getting a bit nervous . I began asking myself what kind of mother doesn 't think to pay attention to where her son is going ? What kind of mother doesn 't think to tell her son not to just wander off to the desert without telling some one ? Granted he is 14 , but still , we should have rules , and I should have noticed that he was leaving . I totally suck ! I walked North just a tad , calling his name as loud as I could . Still nothing . I walked South , still nothing . I walked back home and went to get my car . The battery was dead . I took TC 's flatbed and drove up our road , across the back road and then in the borrow ditch between the road and the fence and I put it first and let er coast while I scanned what I could see of the horizon . I found myself seriously wishing that I was on horse back , for the higher vantage point and the ability to cover ground faster . Not to mention four - hoof - drive . Suddenly he pops out from behind some bushes . Not to scare me but because he just happened to be slipping through the fence at that time . He had an old worn out motorcycle tire on his shoulder , a cow horn and piece of hide in his hand , and a out of production beer bottle in his pocket . I seriously wanted to jump his case and forbid him from ever going into the desert again . But I easily resisted that urge . I wanted to be mad but I couldn 't . Let me explain . As a young girl I had a terrible habit of wandering off . I have always been an explore at heart I think . Or perhaps a gypsy , I don 't know . I can 't even begin to tell you how many times my mom was ready to call the police because she thought I was gone for good . This was usually just as I came home completely oblivious to how long I had been gone , or that anyone might have been worried about me . Not once was I ever lost . I always knew my way home , and just didn 't understand what all the fuss was about . I started this when I was in about 1st grade , and it continued all the way up into my adult years . It truly has only been in the last 10 or 15 years that I finally started making sure some one knows where I am . Plus I am not as physically fit as I was then so I tend not to walk off as much . Being a desert dweller most of my life , I totally get how easily he could just be having the time of his life wandering through the desert , picking up rusty treasures , cool rocks , or what ever . It is the best way to lose yourself , and find yourself all at the same time . But things have changed in the desert in the last 15 years . It isn 't always quite as safe as it used to be . Plus he isn 't from here . I mean he is , but he was young when he left , so it is a little easier to get lost . So we made new rules . No desert walks without letting us know when and where he is going . No desert walks without a walkie talkie . ( set to a prearranged channel ) or cell phone . ( preferably a cell ) No desert walks without a stick and a knife . At my job I am surrounded by youngsters . They are good kids and I like most of them very much . They are polite and hard working , and just down right fun to be around . One of them got a visit last night from his Papaw and Nanna . It was the highlight of my evening . Youngster 's Papaw , came to my register , and standing next to me was also his great niece ( who also works there ) . So as she spoke with his wife , he and I chatted . Very quickly we were deeply engaged in a wonderful conversation about what is clearly his favorite topic in the world . Horses . Papaw is a retired roper . From the sounds of it , he is / was just an amateur , but an amateur with skill . Even more important , Papaw is a horseman . He talked about the old cowboys who taught him how to rope . Not just rope the easy steers , but to rope those " trashy steers " that no one else could hit . Not only did he learn how to toss a loop but he learned how to push a loop with the palm of his hand , and when to use that little trick , in just the right situation . He learned how to make that rope do his bidding , with the flick of a wrist or just the right little twist to one side or the other . When he spoke of roping it was very reminiscent of the way Michael Johnson speaks of roping in Healing Shine . It was with an adoration that one would speak of a first kiss , or a first love . I have never been into roping . I always said I could care less to ever learn how to rope . But listening to these men speak of it . . . I don 't know . . . it makes me feel a little differently about it all . To have that passion and that skill . It must be a beautiful feeling . He told me about his favorite horses of his past . The ones he raised and trained from a colt . He talked about ground work and lunge lines and about how he never once put a tie down on any of horses . He talked of how it was vital to him to always run on a loose rein , and he never wore spurs . Yet he said he rarely ever got out run by a steer . His horses liked to rope , and that is how it is supposed to be . He also told me a story about a time when he was the working the chute . A man came into the head box on a horse that was just lathered head to toe . The man ( and I use the term lightly ) had been out warming up and spurring the crap out of his horse . When he wasn 't spurring him , he was beating him over the head with the rope . One can only assume that he was trying to get the poor horses adrenaline up to have a fast run . Papaw watched this for a minute and then simply walked away . He refused to work the chute for someone who would treat an animal like that . Especially since ( he said ) the horse was not doing anything wrong . It was that way the entire night . If that fool came to the box . Papaw walked away . He told me that he has regretted to this very day , that he did not simply offer to buy the horse from the man . Clearly the man didn 't think the horse was doing anything right , so he probably would have been happy to have the cash . Of course I shared a little of my story with Trax . I told him of his history , about our first show , and how I failed my horse . I 'll admit in doing so , I got a little teary eyed . I honestly shared my shame at my lack of understanding for what Trax needed . I don 't know why , but I told him the whole story , what I did wrong , what I did right , how it made me feel , and what I am trying to accomplish now . I mean I didn 't know this old man from Adam , but here I was spilling my guts to him over the register counter . He said , " It 's okay , we all make mistakes , but you are learning from them and your boy knows that . He will keep trying for you because he knows that you are trying for him . " He was teary eyed too . ( I swear it 's true ) He told me about his best horse ever , Sonny . He was a big horse of great breeding . He had him out at one of the local roping competitions and doing pretty well . While he was in between turns an old man in bib overalls and a plaid shirt came up and spoke to him . He had a piece of straw sticking out one side of his mouth . The old man said , " That 's a nice horse you got there son . " Papaw agreed , and just then someone called to him and asked him to herd a steer for them . When he went back to finish the conversation the old man was gone . No one he asked knew who the man was , or where he had come from . It was as if he had just vanished as quickly as he appeared . Yup , we were both teary eyed again . Finally I stopped to look at the clock . Holy Moly ! Over half an hour had gone by in a flash ! Luckily it was so close to closing time , not a single person had come to the register in that time . I said , " Well I 'd best let you folks on your way . " I smiled and thought to myself . . . me too ! This was a man that is passionate about the relationship he has with his equine brothers . He cares about how they feel , and that they are treated well . He has a couple of rescue 's now . He no longer rides , but he still loves his horses ( and the donkey and the mule which he rescued and cares for ) and appreciates them for the individuals that they are . Even more important , he is passing his passion on to his grandson as well . I want to be like him . I have contacted a local vet and am taking Sassy in next week . I have decided to take one more shot at getting an accurate diagnosis , and trying to heal her . This will be the last time . I just cannot do this anymore . After hearing the entire story and seeing a couple of the past xrays , the vet did not seem real confident about the outcome of this situation . So I am preparing myself for the decision I suspect I am going to have to make soon . In other news , the new job is going ok . Even the stern old cowboy guy seems to sort of not hate me . LOL I am learning the computer system and learning what products are where and what the products are . In all the years that I have been buying horse feed , I knew there were so many , but to this day I don 't know why one is better or worse than the other . That is my goal . To learn these things . I rode the King of the Fatties last night . That would be Killian . As I brushed and saddled him he turned and looked at me and the words were clearly written on his face . " Why are you doing this after dark ? You know there are monsters in the dark . We DO NOT ride after dark ! " He acted quite foolish to start , running around like a mad man , refusing to stop , refusing to turn , refusing to do anything but go where he wanted and drag me along with him . It was sooooo not like him . I guess he was trying to convince me that this was in fact , a very bad idea . But my foolishness outlasted his , and we pushed on . If he wanted to go every which way , we did just that . We did so many serpentine 's and pretty soon he was thrilled to go in a straight line . I asked him to trot and he did the not quite a canter trot , which I hate , but I rode it out and kept him going until he finally settled down into a nice easy trot . And then we trotted more . . . and more . . . . and more , until the sweat ran down his sides and onto the ground . Killian is getting man boobs . Danny has man boobs , but at his age has earned the right to have them . Killian is still a bit young for man boobs , and so we will be building them into muscle . . . by trotting . Lots and lots of trotting . He is so spoiled rotten from just hanging out in the pasture , pushing Sassy around and making mean faces at Danny . Little does he know vacation time is over . This morning I rode Trax . He has a thing where he doesn 't want to lunge to the left at a lope . so we worked on that . We lunged until he was soft in both directions . You know , back how he used to be . Then we rode . We did very little fancy stuff , just loped circles until they became easy circles . We did lots of trotting while flexing towards the fence . We did this back and forth until I could get him to flex with just the slightest touch of the rein . At one point I looked over towards Danny 's pen and noticed it was empty . It seems as though someone forgot to latch it when removing Trax . If I catch that person I will kick her butt ! So Trax and I rode towards the arena gate . He moved right into position to open it but then did not want to stick around to close it . Since I knew we were coming back and I needed to go find Danny , I let it go . . . this time . That got him a nice cool hose down ( which he has decided that he loves now ) and some pasture time . He and Danny are out there right now . Now I get to go do domestic stuff , but first I shall go check out some hay sources . Much more fun that domestic crap ! Posted by Even better , down the row a ways I think some of the other neighbors are going to start coming out to visit as well . I 'm not positive but I think that many of them are mini - roses . Or maybe their growth is just stunted due to lack of H2o . I am doing my best to nurture them back to health . The New farrier was out on Thursday . Some things about him I liked , other things I 'm still not sure about . The main thing I liked is that although he is old school , he is actively seeking out new information on shoeing and trimming . He did Killian first who can sometimes be a tad of a butthead , and he ended up smacking him on the stomach with the file . Not real hard , but enough to get his attention . I know this is fairly common practice among farriers , and he wasn 't beating him , he was just disciplining him . BUT I have a different method which I think is much more effective . I push them sideways . I move their feet in the most difficult way possible and suddenly standing still is the best idea ever . With that being said , Killian did not give him another second of trouble , so at that point I left it be . Killian 's feet were a mess . I should have taken before pictures but I was so embarrassed about how they looked . I decided not too . The thing is , it had only been 6 weeks , so it isn 't like I have been neglecting my horses . But they all sure looked like it . Because they were so bad , he ended up having to be trimmed a little short . So now he is a tad sore on the gravel . Not limping sore , just tender footed . It isn 't the first time this has happened with him . So I wasn 't surprised . He 'll grow out and be ok . He is pretty dry though so I think I need to get him on some Biotin and possibly go back to those flat shoes he had before . He sure did move nice in them . Next was Sassy . I know that Sassy will get antsy so before I ever let him touch her I moved her feet a little just to get her mind right . She was good for him till the last hind foot . Oddly enough everyone does her right hind last and that is the one she always gives trouble on . Still she wasn 't bad , so that was good . He noticed her limping right off the bat . Left front - he called it . So we started discussing her and her issues . He began to tell me of some new stuff he has been learning , with new equipment and a boot that you strap on . . . . I interrupted him , " Oh Gene 's stuff " As it turns out , when I wanted Gene Ovnicek to see Sassy , he could not because he was in Arizona at a clinic . What I found out , is that one of the " test horses " they used for this clinic belonged to none other than this farrier who was working on my horse . So I told him the whole story of Sassy and her clogs , and working with the ELPO Farrier ( Steve ) and everything we had been through . Turns out he has met Steve as well . One of the things he told me is that he was ready to put his horse down . He was very skeptical of the whole thing , and they ended up putting clogs on his horse as well . They worked great for a bit but then they didn 't . He called the other farrier ( not Gene but another guy ) who initially brought him on this deal , and said , " Hey this is crap that you are feeding me , his is as bad as he ever was . " The other guy said , " No if he is limping again it means the soft tissue is healing and we need to take the clogs off " So they took the clogs off , and he was better . What my new farrier told me he has found is that with the clogs , is that you have to do constant maintenance every couple of weeks . That was not even possible with Sassy when I was using Steve because there was 500 miles between us . So with that in mind this farrier has offered , if I am interested , to call up his buddy who got him started on this , and have them come and do another evaluation on her . Then he will make himself available for maintenance anytime I call him and say , hey she is limping again . This buddy , is an ELPO farrier , and has all the same training and equipment that Steve did . Here is where I am at on this whole thing . First off , I have Gene 's number and he comes down here regularly . He has already agreed to see Sassy when I am ready . He is the " Godfather " of all of this . So common sense tells me to go to " the man himself " rather than his students . On the other hand , if she does need the bi - weekly maintenance , Gene will not be available for that . So that kind of puts me in the same position I was in before . Secondly , her left front was where the original coffin bone injury was , that is where she is limping the worst . Common sense says we still have an issue there . I think before I spend any more money on special shoes or anything else . I need to get her looked at again , by a new vet . I need to know if it has or has not healed . I need to know what exactly we are treating . Now , with all that being said , once he was done trimming her , she should could barely walk across the driveway . The driveway has some large rocks and all my horses walk a little slow across it , but she really has a hard time . I am not blaming the farrier because he barely trimmed anything off of her at all . Trust me I was watching . The girl is in some serious pain right now . Enough pain that I 'm headed out to bute her here real soon . She had trouble with it before the trim , now it is bad . I still think she needs boots or casts or something . Argh ! I just don 't know what to do with this horse ! One thing we did was look at her hoof health - wise . She no longer has those deep grooves that she used to and over all her hoof looks healthier than they used too . But clearly she is " Hoof Sore " . Danny has always had the best feet of any of my horses . I mean as far as actual hoof condition goes . This was not the case on this day . He was starting to splay out to the side real bad and is starting to show signs of white line disease . The farrier was able to trim it all away , but why his feet were so bad after only 6 weeks makes no sense to me . The farrier said he looked like he had foundered at one time , but I don 't see how . Danny is getting hard to keep weight on . Even when he is out to graze he spends half his time at the gate wanting to go inside and rest . So of all my horses he is the one least likely to founder . At least with my understanding of founder , that is what I believe . I am willing to admit that my understanding could be wrong . So more research will be involved for sure . One thing I am keeping in mind is that so much has changed for these horses . They are still in a dry sandy environment , but they have never had Bermuda grass , which is basically what that pasture is . So there is something to factor in . Their water has changed and there for are getting different minerals there . I suspect that there will be a lot of trial and error going on for a while until I figure out what the right combo of food and grazing is for these guys . I don 't know much about Bermuda grass , so I guess it is time to learn . 3 of my horses are getting pretty fat . That is coming to end NOW . I have cut everyone 's haycubes back except Danny 's . And the amount of pasture time they get now is no more than a few hours at a time . I have also started separating Danny and Trax at meal times , because I think Trax is getting some of Danny 's food . Danny just eats slower than " Traxster the pigster " . I 'm really considering going to some grass hay for these guys , in some slow feeders . They need something to do during the day besides tear down my fly traps , and ruin my automatic waterers . So here I am still beating my head against the wall with Sassy , and now with Danny too . It seems like it is always something . Time to start scraping some vet money together I guess . Dogs to get fixed , mares to get looked at . . . . it never ends ! LOL 1 . I think my priorities are a little out of whack . When unpacking , it was much more important to me to get all my artwork hung up , than it was to get my clothes put away . So at this point , most of my clothes are still in big black trash bags . On the other hand , my walls look fabulous ! 2 . My ponies are visibly upset at the lack of pasture time the are receiving these days . But alas , it is for the greater good . I am trying desperately to get some good growth out there and if I let them out for as long as they wanted it won 't happen . 3 . I am seriously having a hard time coming up with 5 things today . 5 . Last night TC sent me a text from WY . Basically he said that it is not the same with out me there , and he can 't wait to get back here . Awwwwwww ! Note to Self - morning rides must start before 8 am . By time I got dressed and out the door to work with Trax it was already almost 9 am . It was already too hot by then , but we persevered ( and by we , I mean I ) and got to work . I decided that since I haven 't even had a chance to try out the side pull which Louisa was so kind to send to me ( and Crystal was so kind to send to her ) so today was a good day to give it a shot . We started with lunging in the arena but when I asked him to kick it up to a canter to the right he kept just backing up and trying to pull me off my feet . This is something he has done a few times as of late and it is getting pretty old . So we changed the game plan . We moved to the round pen . I tied the lead rope on the saddle horn and drove him to the right . Funny how suddenly cantering to the right was the best idea ever . Then we switched back to the left . His downward transitions were wonderful . I was a little surprised . I worked a little on his foot work . You know , asking him to yield left and right while crossing his proper foot in front . He usually wants to cross in the back . Each time he crossed correctly I removed the pressure . Eventually I was able to get a few proper steps in each direction , so we called it good there . I " installed " the sidepull , I 'm hoping correctly , tightened my cinch and got up on him . We bent left and right and that was nice and easy . We stayed in the round pen , since I did not know how much control I would have and figured that since I had one , I may as well be safe and use it . I 'm kind of glad I did . Not that he was bad or out of control , but he felt like he really needed to move his feet a lot today . He wanted to lope and so I dropped the reins and let him . My round pen is a nice size , big enough to canter in , small enough to keep him from getting up to much speed . He loped a nice easy lope and I just sat there doing my best not to lean to the inside . He in turn did his best to not drag my ankle across the side rails . A fair trade , I think . One time he got a little close . I said to him , " Hey Bud , lets not break my ankle ok ? If my ankle is broken I can 't work , if I can 't work I can 't buy you food . " With a flick of his ear and a shift of his path , he replied , " Sorry about that . " I haven 't quite figured out where his head is at during these times . Especially this time . I mean he was perfectly happy just loping in circles . If it had been cooler outside I 'm sure we 'd still be out . But he wasn 't like crazy running away , because these were smooth easy circles . He could have gone faster than he was , I have seen him run smaller circles at a much higher rate of speed with out any problem . I haven 't decided if running just makes him happy or if it is his way of getting out of working . Not that he is trying to scare me , or lose me or anything like that . I mean if he was trying to get rid of me , he knows how . I mean that for him running in circles takes zero thought what so ever and he can do it all day . Working on serpentine 's , leg yields , side passes , spins , backing up , all of that takes brain work . It is more challenging for him . Anyway , after he finally decided he was done , we worked on moving off my leg without spurs . He did just fine . So I rewarded him with a walk around the block . As we walked we ran into a gal who lives two doors down . We have spoken a few times when she rides her roan mare past . This is the first time she has seen my horse up close . We chatted for a bit about lameness and roping and houses , and such , then I headed on my way . By time we got back home I was ready to get my jeans off and some shorts on ! Gave Trax a quick hose down and put him away . But not before I took this . I 'm rolling things around in my mind of what I would like to do with him today . First and foremost , the ride WILL be long enough to get him back in training mode . Second I think that I really want to lose the spurs and go back to basics with asking him to stop and move off my legs . The impatient person in me wants to get out there and really get to moving around a working on the fun stuff . But the voice that I have learned to actually listen too , tells me to back up and go slower . So that is what we will do . A week or so ago I was driving home and there were a bunch of cows out and so I stopped and knocked on the door of the house whose yard they were in and told the guy his cows were out . As it turned out , they were not his but belonged to the neighbor across the road . I assisted with the " round up " and we introduced ourselves briefly . I told him where we lived and he asked if we had horses , so of course I told him . ( duh , when am I going to pass up a chance to talk about my Trax ) I told him I am trying to get into ranch versatility . He told me that he has a string of bucking horses and bulls and that on Wednesday nights they run practice . He invited us to come over any time . Last night as we were driving home from football practice the corner where he lives is wall to wall pick ups . Young cowboys were headed to the pens with their bags of gear , old cowboys were on the pick up horses , and the cloud of dust was huge . I wanted to stop and watch but knew I needed to get home and let my doggies out . ( must get doggie door soon ) At least I thought I might want to watch . In some ways I am not sure . It is very possible that I don 't want to see what really goes on there . Does that make sense ? The young gal who worked on training me today is another one of those young women who I believe is going to take over the world . She is truly an " old soul " . I enjoyed every bit of our time together , even though I didn 't get to learn a whole lot . We just don 't have enough customers yet , but we will soon I am sure of that . The man in charge of the equine dept is an old cowboy , who is quite knowledgeable about his products , and his customers . A great quality to have . After I was done for the day , I decided to go pick up a new manure fork , since mine is missing rungs and all the poop falls out . I also decided to just browse the the Equine section a little bit . I always look at supplements and things along those lines when shopping through stores like this . I 'm not sure what it is I am looking for , perhaps the miracle quick fix that I can give to Sassy to make her all better over night . But really I was just looking . As I was looking the old - cowboy - turned - salesman came up and asked if I was finding everything I was looking for . I should have recognized that he was probably just honing his customer service skills , but for some reason all common sense left me . It flew out of my brain and off into the sunset right at that very moment . I stood there wondering if I should go after him and try to tell him about my paint horse and all his baggage . The mental image flashed across my brain ( Crazy chick with poop fork chasing nice cowboy around the store " But . . er . . . um . . . wait . . . I haven 't told you about my crazy paint yet ! He was all messed up . . . fixed . . . still working . . . come so far . . . . . 3rd place ! " As he dives into a stack of feed hoping to lose me . Store manager comes and fires me for scaring his other employees . I am removed from store and told never to come back . ) I have to admit to suffering through a small bout of depression since moving here . I had envisioned riding every day , and wanting to do things , but I don 't . I don 't want to do anything . It is nice and cool out this morning ( ok well relatively cool ) and I should be out with my horses . But I don 't feel like it . I don 't feel like sweeping up the ever growing piles of dog hair in my house . I don 't feel like cleaning pens . I don 't feel like finishing the last of the unpacking , and I darn sure don 't feel like going to a job today ! Instead I got up at 5 had 2 cups of coffee , sat in the back yard and tried to change my mindset . No it didn 't really work , but in just a second I 'll be out with the ponies getting them fed and the manure scooped . Not because I want to but because I have to . I chose to sit in the back yard today , so I could watch the sun rise . The down side of that is that the mosquito 's are worse back there . So it was a great chance to try out my new weapon . Rub yourself down with a bounce dryer sheet and then stick it in your hator your bra , or your shoes or where ever . It works much better than spray and you smell good too . Did I mention that I have rose bushes ? No ? Well ok then , I have rose bushes . Or at least I have what is left of rose bushes . I love roses and have always wanted to have some growing in my yard . Now I do and guess what ? I have no idea what to do with them . They had bloomed beautifully before we moved here , but I didn 't get to see it . All I got to see were a bunch of dead buds . I think I am supposed to prune them back so that they can grow again . I guess I need to google it and see what I come up with . Well now the sun is up , and it is time to get moving . ARGH ! Why can 't I just hide under the covers today ? So I am temporarily filling in as a part time cashier . . . . . at a different location a bit further away . But hey , it is just a matter of time before they realize how awesome I am , and open a location close to home just for me to manage . I start my training today . Who 'd have thunk that a ditch full of water pouring into our pasture could be so exciting for me ! I couldn 't believe how quickly the ground soaked up all the water though . I mean it was gone in an hour . But it already looks greener this morning than it did before . It has not been irrigated in a long time , several months I know , so I was surprised that there was any grass at all . I will keep the horses off of it for a while to give it a chance to really grow , and we will irrigate weekly for a while . Once it comes back we should be able to cut back some . Then I decided it was time for some long past due grooming on the ponies . I ended up buying some of the " Shoo Fly " fly spray before we left WY . It is good stuff , thick and oily so it sticks well , but everyone 's coats were icky and sticky and full of dirt and crud . So I brought each one to the dog yard ( so as to maximize water usage ) for a " Spa Day " Killian is the great pretender . The minute I turned on the water he backed up at mach 9 acting like I was spraying him with some sort of skin burning acid . I know for a fact that he has had many baths and is not really afraid of water . This is how he tries to get out of things . He acts afraid . He is so good at it too , until he finally realizes that I am not going to buy into his game . Then he stands quietly and even drops his head so that I can wash his face . He doesn 't even mind being sprayed in the face . Such a goof ball . Super Shiney ! The gratuitous tail shot . Next was Sassy , she loves baths . She stands quietly and thrives off the attention . I tried to get a picture of her lovely head but she wasn 't cooperating for that . She was ready to have her turn at grazing . I forgot to mention that last week I got a text from her former owner , who was just checking up on her . We chatted for a long time , she says that Sassy looks just like her dam , only a different color . We talked about her lameness and she apologized for giving me a horse with problems , but I told her it was not her fault . She wasn 't lame when I got her , and it is just one of those things that happens . She told me that she hopes to get another horse out of the same dam from the guy in Texas who bred her . Then it was Danny 's turn . Poor Danny kind of gets a little neglected . In the grooming dept I mean . He rarely ever goes anywhere , so his main and tail were turning to dread locks . Danny really has never cared for baths , and especially hates getting his face washed . He kept trying to leave , I mean like if I turned around to grab the soap or the brush , when I turned back he was headed out of the grass and over to the gravel area behind us . I 'm not sure where he thought he was going as there is fence all around , but he was getting the heck away from me . I also found that he has a sore spot from the fly mask , so I had to leave it off for a while . It must have just happened because I check them every couple of days for rub marks . I put some natures edge on it to help it heal . Looking alright for a horse his age . Finally I did Trax . By time it was his turn I was sun burnt , tired , and covered in bug bites , so I 'm not sure I put as much effort into him as I did with the others . Not that it matters anyway , even though I waited till he was dry to put him away , he immediately rolled in the dirt . The others didn 't . I some times wonder if the other horses make fun of him for having so much white , so he gets dirty to blend in with the others . LOL He is getting better about baths . Still doesn 't like to have his face sprayed , but loves to have it washed . I think it must itch a lot and the scrubbing feels good . Love that butt In other news , TC is headed back to WY for a week so I am on my own . I was called on Friday for 2 different interviews . One I did Friday and they guy wants to hire me . It is as a part time cashier for a Ranch Supply store . It will work into more hours though and possibly even " Head Cashier " . So that isn 't bad . The other interview was for today for an office manager position . They just called and canceled . I guess they already hired someone . Um . . . . ok ? I have put in a lot of resume 's and no one really seems to be interested in me except the Ranch Supply store , so maybe that is where I am supposed to be . The guy said they are looking to open another store closer to my area , so perhaps if I do well at this store I can work my way into a management position in a new store . I don 't know . I 'm a little discouraged , but have faith that God will provide as long as I keep doing the foot work . When I first started applying , and you have to do everything on line , I thought , " Great ! Saves money on gas ! " But now I see that it hurts me more than helps me . My resume ' is decent , but as a general rule it is who I am as a person that gets me in the door . Once I get in the door , I have no problem showing that I am right for the job , or that my skills , are every bit of what I say they are . If I can 't " sell myself " then chances are I will be passed over . The reason the guy at the ranch supply store wants to hire me , is because I walked in and handed him my resume ' and we talked . It took 3 minutes of telling him about myself to convince him that I would be an asset to his company . It was very much like this . I like the ball end which I think would be a much nicer way to communicate to him that I need him to move , this way or that way . I know I would like it more if I were him . This set ( obviously ) has a shorter shank . They are reasonably priced and once I am working I think I will try ordering a set . I 'm curious if anyone has ever tried these . The down side to this is that there is a nagging little voice in the back of my mind that says " Wrong answer - you are still taking short cuts . Slow down , go back to the beginning and teach him to move off the slightest leg pressure . " I suppose the fact that I can hear the voice is actually an up side . I think it means I 'm finally getting a clue . I rode after dark in the arena Friday night . A few of my lights aren 't working , but it was still plenty bright enough to see . Trax doesn 't seem to care for being ridden after dark . In fact he doesn 't seem to care to be ridden at all these days . We have pretty much backed up to where we were when we first started working with Mark . I understand all the reasons why , but still it is a tad annoying . I understand that he hasn 't been ridden at all since the show . He is in a new place and it is hot and the bugs drive us crazy when we are riding - even with spray . The few times we have ridden since we got here were short rides which really doesn 't even give him time to get into the mind set to learn . So because I know all these things , I don 't get upset at him , or even at myself . Right now I just roll with it , knowing that better days are ahead . I swear Killian grazes like a swather . He mows back and forth in front of him just clearing a path . It was kind of cool to be able to bring them out by the road and drop the lead ropes and just let them enjoy for a while . No one tried to leave , and there was not a single pinned ear between them . I only let them graze for about 30 min though . I had pens to clean and it wasn 't getting any cooler . But I will take them out again either this evening or again in the morning . I want to apologize ahead of time for the seriously bad camera work . TC is so " not techno " and also kept forgetting that he was holding a camera . So when the pictures sort of wanders off to nothing , that is forgetting to watch through the screen . Also I started before the judge was ready so they sent me back to start over . That was because I couldn 't hear what they were saying . Oh and that hat . . . . 3 sizes too big . LOL 1 . I HAVE GOT to let go of his face . I am so used to checking him all the time , and he just pushes into it . We have so much more work to do on this , and when I say we I really mean me . There are times when I give him some rein , some times when I give him one rein , but I need to be giving him more rein . It makes me cringe the entire time I watch this . 2 . Flying lead changes - Or lack there of . I check him down to do a simple lead change . When I do his head goes up and he fights the bit . On this day I over heard a gal ( who rides super well - btw ) discussing with a less experienced girl all the reasons why checking down for a lead change is ass backwards for the way a horse moves physically . So with that in mind , goal number 2 is to work on driving forward into those lead changes rather than checking down . Even though I do not actually know how to do goal number 2 , I know I want to do it , and once I know that , I will find an answer . 3 . Equitation - What the hell am I doing up there ? I 'm bouncing around all over the place looking like a sack of potato 's . Especially when we are working the cow . Why am I trying to fly with my elbows ? Goal number three is to learn how to sit and ride like a horseman . Or more like one anyway . Watch his stops . No he doesn 't slide , but not once on any of the stops does he fight me . Yes I am back in his face a little bit , but not near as bad as I have been in the past so that is progress . Yay ! I see him drop his nose some when we are working the cow . Not sure if I was asking for it , or if he was just doing it , but either way it is happening . Always a plus . When we are doing the circles to the right he really rates his speed well on the smaller circles . He actually appears to be relaxed an enjoying himself . At least it looks that way to me , does anyone else see it ? The back up isn 't bad . Not pretty but not bad . So here is the video , 2 . Every day at 6pm I go to watch my son 's football practice . I never used to enjoy it this , but this year he has great coaches who are really pushing these boys to learn the skills needed to win . It is a blast to watch him push himself beyond the limits of what he ever thought he could do . 3 . Every morning I take at least 5 min on my front porch to sit and drink my coffee and do my own form of meditation . I give thanks for what I have , and just take the world in around me . It is my favorite part of the day . 4 . As I type this , TC has the local news on . He tends to do this every morning . I hate watching the news , it is so depressing . In fact I am not even enjoying having cable TV again . I was quite enjoying not having any TV at all . There for I chose not to watch much . 5 . Yesterday I was very happy for the hot temps we have here . TC and I left one of the gates to the dog yard open . Then a little later let all the dogs out to potty . I happened to step out front a little bit later to find 3 out of 4 dogs at the front gate ( which was shut ) begging to come inside where it was cool . Mason , of course , was not one of those 3 . I saw him over in the empty horse pen trying to jump up to get the fly trap bag I had just hung up this morning . By time I got the other 3 put away and headed after him he was headed down the road . I tired whistling and calling to him , although I know he can 't hear me so I 'm not sure why I tried that . It was funny to watch him though because I could tell that he was totally questioning in his own mind whether or not he wanted to continue on his jaunt in the heat . I finally got his attention by waving my arms around in the air . As soon as he saw me , he came running . " OH mom , thank you for saving me , it is too hot to go exploring today ! " Usually he runs the other way . I was glad he didn 't this time because I really didn 't feel like chasing him . As we started searching for furniture to replace the stuff we gave away , we decided to go ahead and hit the antique stores first to see if we could find some cool and unique pieces that we really liked , before settling on junk that we didn 't want . We hit many stores and found a great entertainment center type thing that looks as though it is made out of old barn wood . It is new construction but is very rustic looking and was a fair price so we brought it home . We also found an empire style dresser made of cherry wood , that I just loved . The price was high but we did some haggling , and brought that home as well . Yet as much as we looked , we could not find a desk that suited our needs . TC had his heart set on a roll top desk . I was leaning more towards an old solid table with lots of space . We found several roll tops but they were just too small and cheaply made . So we made the decision last Sunday to make a run up to Globe and Miami . If you have never been there , and you get the chance . . . . go ! What a couple of neat little towns . I have been there many times , even worked a week or so up there in a store called " Wild Bill 's Emporium " owned by none other than Wild Bill Stolzey . What a character he was ! I really just can 't even describe what he was like , just an old desert rat who had been around since the dawn of time . It seems like everyone in Arizona knew him , or knew of him . He was a legend in his own time . Bald head with a ring of white hair that stood straight out on end . He always wore old cowboy boots and in the summer sported along with those boots some lovely cut off polyester cut offs that he picked up at the haberdasher across the way . His shirt was always plaid button up , with cut off sleeves in the summer . He knew more about antiques and treasures than anyone I have ever known . The way we met is a story in itself which I will share another day . He has long since passed away , but no one who had ever met him , has forgotten Old Wild Bill Anyway , I digress . TC and I drove up and went to every store that was open . At the very first store we found exactly what he was looking for . A solid oak roll top mission style desk from the early 1900 's I think . We checked the rest of the stores just to make sure there wasn 't anything we liked better , but there wasn 't . so we went back and purchased it for what seemed to be a fair price . As they were loading it , I noticed it was starting to come apart in one spot . By time we got home is was coming apart in a couple of spots . By time we got it unloaded it was in pieces . Danny managed to get into something and got a nice cut along his flank . Not deep , but just enough to attract flies so I am keeping it covered with natures edge . Killian 's feet look terrible already , I don 't know what it is with his hooves . They aren 't even that long , but they are already chipping apart . So I need to find a good trimmer pretty soon . I 'm considering trying it myself , but am still leery of that . We will see . I suppose I could get a file and at least file them down a little , right ? My job search hasn 't yielded anything yet , and I was getting frustrated looking in the east valley paper and on Monster . com . There just wasn 't much to chose from . Then someone said , " hey try craig 's list " Duh ! Why didn 't I think of that ! Today I applied at about 15 places within 10 miles of here , one of them even being a vet 's office in Gilbert , which I think would be perfect ! ! ! ! So keep your fingers crossed for me . Well time to go back to unpacking . My sons birthday is coming up and we are having a small get together for him this weekend and my house is still in boxes . Lots and lots to do ! It all started after our wonderful ride at the horse show . We did so good and she said she was so proud of me , but I am not sure that she really meant it because she stopped riding me ! I mean she didn 't do anything but give me food and spray me with that stuff . No grooming , no trailer rides no nothing . Well that is not totally true . We took one trailer ride to the vet hospital where they poked me and stuck things in my butt ( which made me want to kick them ) and then loaded us all up and took us home . Then she went away for several days . When she came back she still did not ride me , all she did was keep giving me food . Now don 't get me wrong , I like a vacation as much as the next horse , but I mean we finally had some really good weather , and she was home all day long , so how come we did not ride ? Then things went really crazy . One morning her and the Nice man , and another nice lady put halters on me and the rest of my herd . They put Danny in the trailer and then me , then Sassy and Killian was last . There was yummy cubes in little feeders for us , and lots of nice soft shavings on the floor . I thought maybe it was time to go to another show , although I thought that would be odd since we didn 't practice at all , and usually my friends don 't go to shows being that they don 't have any skills like I do , but I thought maybe it was like a show for handicapped horses . Anyway we traveled for most of the day , it seemed like we stopped a lot and thought maybe we could get out , but no . They just made us stand there in the trailer . They gave us water to drink but they did not let us out to run and play or graze on yummy grasses . So then I decided that there probably aren 't many shows for handicapped horses and so maybe we had to drive really far to find one . Danny the old man , was kind of nervous , but I talked to him once and a while and calmed him down . As we were riding Sassy told us that she had been on a long trip like this once before too . I did not believe her at first , but then I noticed that every time we stopped she was the only one smart enough to drink lots of water . She was the only one of us that did not get thirsty on the long road . She said that she came from a place called Tex Ass . But I have never been there so I don 't know if it is real . She tells stories some times . As the sun was going down we finally pulled into a place that I thought for sure was where the show for handicapped horses was , but I was wrong . I mean there were all the things that you expect to see at a show . . . arena , grandstands , stalls and cages for smelly cows , but we were the only horses there . Killian said that we must be early , and I thought that maybe he was right . Then my lady put us all in little boxes . We couldn 't see each other but we could talk and hear each other so we yelled back and forth alot . It made us feel better to hear each others voices . The boxes were smelly and did not have any soft bedding like the trailer , but at least we cold move around . Our lady gave us turns out in a big arena with soft sand and we took turns rolling and running around . That part was nice , and I was hoping she was going to let us stay in the arena for a long time , but she only let us stay for a little bit . Then she put us back in the boxes and gave us food and left us by ourselves all night . She also did something else really strange . She had all the canine 's with us too and she put them all in a box too ! She always keeps the canine in the human barn with her , so I did not understand what was going on . The other horses didn 't either . We all wondered if maybe she had bumped her head again . The next morning we all got turns in the arena again , and then back in the trailer we went . There was no show for handicapped horses there either . Maybe my lady was lost ? We drove again for a long time , sometimes it was kind of hot , but never too bad , especially since the wind was blowing in the windows . I thought that maybe we were headed home finally but nothing looked right . We just kept driving and driving . I was getting tired , and Danny was getting stiff . Sassy whined and complained about her hooves the whole time , and Killian just kept eating . Finally we stopped again and got to get out . It was another place for horse shows , but it looked like a place for poor horses who don 't have really nice ladies to take care of them . There were some other horses there , but I think they lived there the all the time . They did not have nice big pastures like we have at home . I felt bad for those ponies and I told them so . They just ignored me though . They put us in some big pens that had great big water troughs , we were so thirsty we all took big long drinks . Even Danny who can be kind of finicky . We could all smell that there was a storm coming but we were so happy to be out of the trailer we didn 't care . The air was nice and cool , and we rolled around in the dirt and looked for things to nibble on . There was lots of wood chips in these pens and Danny tried to eat them . Pretty soon the storm was right on us and there were big crazy clouds . Sassy was getting kind of crazy , she is weird like that when there is a storm . My lady came racing back to the place with the truck and trailer and they ran to get us in the trailer . Just as they shut the door the rain started pouring down . It was coming in the windows and in our faces , but we did not travel , we just sat in the trailer and waited for the storm to pass . Pretty soon it was gone and we started moving again . The sun was gone and the road was windy and twisty and made me wish I could throw up . Of course I only know what that is from watching the canines , who seem to do it a lot . I cannot throw up , but that road made me wish I could . Then all of a sudden the air changed . It went from being cool and brisk to being hot and thick . I 've never felt air so thick in my life . We went through a big city and then finally we stopped and got off the trailer . My lady put us in pens and gave us fresh water and food . We ate , but it was so hot and yucky , I was not enjoying being off the trailer . I was hoping we wouldn 't stay in this place for very long . Sassy says we are in Tex Ass , but my lady says we are in a place called Aree - zona . All I know is that it is not like our home and I am not sure I like it . I live in a big pen with Danny and that is kind of nice because we can swish flies for each other . Sassy lives with Killian ( of course ) . We do have a pasture and it does have a little bit of grass but if it doesn 't rain here soon , there won 't be any left . Big fat Killian goes out there and eats it all . Yes yes I eat some too , but that guy is a pig ! We get to take turn eating the pasture grass . So now you see , my lady brought us to this awful place where the air never gets cool , and there are these bugs called mosquitoes that like to bite us . We don 't have our barn anymore , and we have flies really bad . She sprays us with that stuff everyday , but it only helps for a little while . I don 't know what we did to deserve this terrible treatment . She said she loves me and will always take care of me , but I think she lied . She is torturing me . Oh and THEN , she decided to ride me . . . while it was hot ! See . . . . clearly she hates us . I am a sad pony now and am looking for a new place to live . If any of you nice ladies would like to have a slightly crazy paint horse come and live at your house , I will gladly come as long as you have cool air at night and plenty of green grasses . Please send directions as I cannot work a gps by myself . Also , please let me know if it is okay to bring the rest of my herd . I will feel bad if I have to leave my friends behind . We can sneak out in the night when she is sleeping . Posted by 1 . I am a confident rider2 . I ride with conviction3 . I am the leader of this team4 . We are a successful team5 . My horse can do anything6 . Up the phone Pole - down the foxhole we will go . The ramblings of a middle aged woman and her herd Welcome to my blog about my life with our herd . We live here in Arizona on our own little patch of heaven with our 3 horses , two Labradors and 2 kitties . At the ripe old age of 50 something , I have embarked upon a journey to become a better horse woman . Its been a heck of a ride so far and I 'm just getting started ! I love to hear others comments so please do not be shy . I can assure you that I read and appreciate every single comment that comes across my page . I don 't always respond but only because I don 't always have time . All photo 's on this blog belong to me , unless otherwise stated , but I don 't mind sharing so just ask . If you need to contact me privately please feel free to email me at ms . cmdurham @ gmail . com . Thanks for stopping by . Cindy D Heaven is really nothing more than a little place in the country , my family around me , and a yard full of horses and dogs . . . . my herd . I have finally found heaven , and am so completely content , I just can 't help but share with others about my life . Welcome to the ramblings of a middle aged woman and her life with her herd . View my complete profile Day 4 consisted very little of me and a lot of Simon and Killian . I decided to give myself a break , and the paint horse too . MK called at . . . Yesterday the herd was in the pasture . It was the first time they had been out in a week due to irrigation . I hate keeping them locked up . . . It was gorgeous today . I was up early to get ponies fed before the vet came . I sprayed everyone with fly spray . Tried to rake up some poop . . .

I was hoping to post more about Amy 's last month and I was even hoping to get her whole last month posted before Christmas , but that isn 't going to happen . It was harder than I realized to remember her last month and this is not an easy time of year as it is , let alone bringing back memories of the worst time in my life . I guess I just thought if I could tell you all about it , maybe I wouldn 't have to think about it again . Well the busyness of the Christmas season has occupied much of my time and I actually try not to think about years past and traditions that we are not doing this year . I have even avoided listening to Christmas songs , when I have a choice , as it is just too hard . But there were some highlights of the past two weeks that brought joy ( and a few tears ) . . . . going to a cookie exchange and getting to hold a little baby for awhile . I showed him the lights on the Christmas tree and I shed some tears as I remembered Amy staring at our tree and the special lights I would put up in her room . . . . . attending a ladies Christmas party and getting to hold another wee little one , but this time there were no tears and I enjoyed singing some carols and visiting with my friends . . . . . short visits by two doctor friends that knew Amy ( but didn 't treat her ) and each gave me words of comfort . . . . . . . . hugs from 5 special children that my oldest used to babysit . They are so grown up now , but each still gave me a hug . . . . . Showing my daughter - in - law how to make our family 's special " Jesus Birthday Cake . . . . . Christmas greetings in the mail . . . . . working on a special surprise for my husband for Christmas . We already agreed to not get each other any gifts . but I 'm making this , so it doesn 't count ! This morning in church we were singing carols and this memory flashed through my head . Every night in the month of December Amy and I , and whoever else might be here , would sing through the Christmas section in the hymnal . We would sing at least one song , sometimes two or three if Amy wasn 't really tired . So as I thought of those special times the tears started . Then our song leader said that all the angels in heaven are singing with us right now even though we can 't hear them . Wow ! I could hardly keep the sobs inside . We said our " Merry Christmas ' and goodbyes " to our friends as we are leaving for my childhood home about 1000 miles away on Wednesday . We don 't plan on coming back for about 3 weeks . We are visiting some friends and celebrating Christmas with my 83 year old parents . It is just too hard to be in this house where we have celebrated every Christmas of Amy 's life . I am glad that our family and friends are willing to let us spend some time with them . I have finished my study of Romans . In Chapter 15 these verses really meant a lot to me : Yesterday was the eight month anniversary of Amy 's passing . My husband and I went to church , then went to the cemetery to put a wreath , some greens , and Amy 's Tinkerbell ornament ( I had bought for her last year ) on her grave . It was snowy so softly and if a cemetery can be beautiful , it was . Gone were the dead grass and the dead leaves and the sticks that had blown off the trees . It was all covered in white . Some of the tombstones were covered too . Amy 's was , as it slants a little up toward the sky . We had planted a few daffodils in front of her stone a few months ago and as our weather has been very strange , a couple of them had started to grow and one right in the middle had even formed a bud . . . . A reminder to me that Amy is still alive , just not here where we can see her . I sometimes talk to her while I am there . It seems like a safe place where people won 't think I am crazy . I told her I loved her and missed her , that I wanted her to be able to see the special ornament I had gotten for her this year . Of course I cried , but not in agony like I had the night before . . . . . . . . . . . I was getting her wreath ready and wiring her little ornament to it and I just started sobbing . I wanted to scream . " No mother should have to give her child a graveyard decoration for a Christmas present . " But I just sobbed and sobbed and didn 't scream . A week before I had driven by the cemetery and it was so cold that I just sat in the car and talked to Amy as I can see her grave from the car . I started to get really shaky thinking about Amy 's little body freezing . I felt like I might hyperventilate . I had to firmly get a grip on my emotions and tell myself that she wasn 't there before I went crazy . I told myself that she is with Jesus and is warm and happy . Then my mind went to those who have no hope . Who only think that their child is in the ground and there is no life after death . How can a person live like that ? I praise God that He has given me assurance that I will someday be with Amy . I have explained before that my husband is a man of few words . He doesn 't show his emotions very often . Yesterday at the cemetery , it was just the two of us . He had put some Christmas flowers on his parent 's grave and then we decorated Amy 's grave . I was talking to Amy and then I asked him if he wanted to say something . He struggled and struggled and then finally sobbing said , " You have a merry Christmas Amy . " We both held each other and cried . I then told Amy that Mommy and Daddy would be with her soon . It is getting easier , but knowing she would have loved seeing the Christmas lights , hearing the carols and the Christmas hymns we sang yesterday in church makes it so hard for us left here . I just have to keep telling myself that the dazzling display of lights in heaven are beyond anything we can imagine on earth . And the music must be glorious ! Amy loved Christmas . She is celebrating this year with the One Who we sang " Happy Birthday " to on Christmas eve every year of her life . Amy loved birthdays too . ( Correction to previous post . When Amy had the breathing tube in her , she was getting fed through a tube in her nose . I had completely forgotten about that until I read my diary for today . ) Amy and I woke up to sunshine on Tuesday morning ! We had both managed to get some sleep and our day started off with the normal routine of early morning x - ray and lab work . The troop of interns and the Dr . came in and we were told that Amy 's lungs looked better and that the bronchial blockage was not there . That was the one positive thing , but . . . . . she had failed the breathing test . The way they did this was to decrease the amount of work that the pump was doing to make her breathe and see if she would take breaths on her own . This is done with the tube still going down her throat ; it is just the controls on the machine that they change . They would also keep a close watch on how fast or slow she was breathing and the oxygen levels . Sometimes with the machine still doing most of the work , Amy would take a breath on her own . The machine would show us this . But when it was slowed down to the point of Amy doing most of the work , she couldn 't do it . So the Doctor said the concern now is to get her off the intubater so she will not have to have a tracheotomy in the future . He plans to wait until the end of the week to see how she is doing . Every so often over the next couple of days Respiratory would come in and turn the machine a little lower so Amy was taking more breaths on her own . This is how they tried to build up her lung strength so they can remove the tube . The Wound Department was also in to see Amy as she had a bedsore . It was right on her tail bone . I believe this happened when the cat scan was done and they did not transfer Amy correctly . Once she was on the hard board they just slid her to position her instead of lifting and placing her . I believe the pressure on that board caused this sore . So now they are getting her a special sand / air bed that will simulate her water bed that she has at home and it is also heated . Yesterday the doctor had ordered her nutrition intake to be doubled . Now today she has diarrhea . They won 't let me wear diapers on her and it just goes everywhere . This makes it really hard tWednesday Day 7 The new catheter still isn 't working so it was taken out after the normal 5 a . m . x - ray and lab work . Amy had another new nurse today . Every time someone new came in I always gave them a copy of Amy 's story . This had just been printed a few days before Amy went in the hospital and it was our way of spreading the news of Rett Syndrome , what Amy was capable of understanding , our beliefs and the hope that others could have through Jesus . Many people were blessed by her story and would talk more directly to her instead of just me . We also had a new intern that day . I was informed that he was called a " resident " . He was always a part of the team who came in every day , but now he would come in about an hour or so earlier and then he would give the report to the doctor in front of the whole group . For the first few days we had a young woman from China who Amy and I got along with really good . This guy was a jerk ! He asked Amy to hold up two fingers if she could hear him . Has he not been listening all week while he was in here ? Amy 's bed was changed again ( it would be so much easier if she was allowed to wear diapers ) and by 8 : 30a . m . She was sound asleep again . There was heavy snow overnight and it was snowing again . . . big wet flakes . I wondered if my girls would be able to come visit that day . The doctor and team came in around 10 : 00a . m . and Amy was still sleeping . The young resident gave his report and he must have been nervous because his hands were shaking . The doctor asked him some questions and he stumbled on the answers . ( I wonder what that young man is doing now ? ) As Amy is still not breathing well on her own , the Dr . planed to make a decision to do a trache , or not , the next day and then it would be scheduled for Friday . I asked him what this involved and he said it would be done in the room and then a feeding tube would be inserted again in through her nose . She would be more comfortable without the huge tube in her mouth and she could learn to breathe faster on her own . Amy slept most of the day . She had another catheter put in around noon . I think it is finally working right . Quiet afternoon . We watched some tv and went to sleep early for the night . Amy slept well with an early wake up at 4 : 30a . m . for an x - ray , labs at 5 : 30 , pulmonary at 6 : 00 and respiratory at 8 : 00 . Amy was very groggy through all this . She did well on the test , breathing on her own . She was breathing a little faster , but on her own ! The settings on the machine were set so she was breathing on her own . Praise God ! I was so happy ! The doctor wasn 't as happy . He said he will be happy when she is completely off the breathing machine . The nurse and I gave Amy her bath , and placed her on her left side . She soon started struggling to breathe again . She was breathing too fast and her heart rate went up so Respiratory was called again and she was put back on full power of the machine . They said they would try again in a few hours . Amy needed the full power again to be able to rest . She was able to watch some tv and rest well for a few hours . Once again she was put on CPAP ( breathing on her own ) but after just a few minutes the monitor started beeping , her oxygen had fallen below 80 , Her heart rate was above 120 and so they had to stop and put her back on the full machine again . Tess came and after visiting for awhile and explaining the last few days , I headed for home as Tess was going to stay for the night . Three nights in a row with little sleep was very draining on me . I noticed that my emotions were on edge and I didn 't have much desire to walk to the cafeteria , so I would just grab something from the snack machines and get by . I knew I needed to stay strong for Amy . I knew I could not do this on my own power . I needed prayers and I started mass emails and posting on facebook . Here was my first posting the last time I was home : birthday tomorrow in the ICU . None of us knew that Amy would never celebrate another birthday here on earth . We asked for God 's will in her life , but did we really think that it might lead to death ? We say that the ultimate healing is to be with God . Did I really believe this deep in my heart ? My faith would be challenged time and again over the next few weeks . Posted by I decided in the last post to use my family 's given names as it will make our journey easier to tell . Our son , James , and his wife , Laura , were working 2000 miles away for the winter months , that is why they are not mentioned . Day four began with snow , and I said goodbye to Bill and then Emily as she had to work . My daughter 's employers were very good to them during all of this to give them as much time off as they needed . I was able to make it over the mountain by myself for the first time , in the snow , with lots of praying . Parking spaces , usually difficult to find , were easy today because of the snow . One small blessing . She ate pureed eggs and drank apple juice and orange juice . Amy had another breathing treatment and then the Dr . came with some bad news . Amy was still very congested , she had a low grade fever and they decided to stop the breathing treatments and start suctioning through her nose . She hated that and would thrash her head back and forth and cry and cry . There was a lot of blood from her nose also and I was afraid they were really hurting her . Tess had to leave for work , and so they said their goodbyes . Memories . . . . . . . . . . Fourteen years earlier , Tess leaving for college for the first time and Amy blinking and blinking , telling her goodbye . They were so close . Amy 's best friend for 16 years . The one area where Amy had control in her life was with her eating . She would clamp her jaws together and no matter how much we would try , when Amy didn 't want to eat , she wouldn 't eat ! She was also very good at holding food in her mouth if it tasted bad and waiting a very long time to spit it out . I would usually get impatient with her and use a spoon ( never my finger - - I learned the hard way over the years ) to get the food out in hopes that I could get her to eat something else . As Amy was always so very thin , I was constantly worried about getting her to eat when she didn 't want to . I do believe that with all the suctioning of the tube going through her nose and down her throat it was making her nauseous and also very mad . She had just gotten that huge tube out of her throat and now they were causing her more discomfort . Around 7 : 00p . m . Amy started having problems breathing again . After repeated attempts and failures with the suctioning by the nurses , respiratory was called in . Amy 's oxygen levels were very low so they started talking about putting the ventilator ( breathing tube ) back in . When Bill and I made the first decision to let the doctors put Amy on the ventilator , we decided at that time to never do it again . Even with a shot to calm Amy down and numbing the area , it caused her a lot of pain to have the tube put down her throat . We decided , if the occasion ever arose again , that she would need a ventilator , that we would not to do it . We had no idea that occasion would be soon , for this same illness . The doctor had told us she would be doing ok with a few days of treatment . Bill couldn 't be reached as he was out of the country . I was stressing out big time and so I called Tess and cried and cried . I ended up calling the ER doctor from our home hospital ( cried again ) and talked to him also . Did I pray ? I don 't remember . I just know I felt very alone in that big hospital . Amy didn 't seem to be in distress , but she wasn 't taking deep breaths . She wasn 't getting enough oxygen with each breath . Was I going to watch her slowly die ? If I waited too long , would it be too late ? I finally made the decision to let them intubate Amy again . It was done a little after midnight . Now it was Sunday , Day 4 . Tess and Emily came around noon . We just relaxed and took turns going to the cafeteria . We didn 't want Amy to smell the food . She was getting nourishment through the I . V . but her stomach was empty and she could still smell ! She slept off and on . Tess stayed the night and Amy slept 9 hours ! Day 5 At 5 : 00 a . m . they came in to do another xray , blood work , gas levels , etc . I arrived about 10 : 00 and Amy was taken for a cat scan . Amy was assigned a new doctor for the week . He decided to double her nutrition intake . The chaplain visited again . She was an elderly little nun and so cute ! She brought Amy a pretty pink crocheted blanket that had been blessed . She would always lay her hand on Amy 's forehead and hold my hand while she prayed . She was a jewel . I wonder if she knows that Amy died ? She came in everyday for 2 weeks , but then Amy was moved and I never saw her again . The results of the CT scan : Amy had a lot of fluid in the 3rd lobe of her right lung and a possible blockage in the bronchial tube . Amy and I both slept well that night . It helped that we brought in her CD player so she could listen to music and stories . I also think we were both so very tired . It had been 5 days ! I had no idea that it would be another 25 days until we were home again and that Amy only had 35 days of life in this world left . Posted by We were in the ambulance for about an hour , arriving around 12 : 30pm . I was able to ride in the front and my husband , Bill , and oldest daughter , Tess , were following after us in the car . I started things off well when I refused to leave Amy alone so the nurses could get her on the bed and take her vitals , etc . I held my ground and finally after a stare down with Nurse Jackie , she gave in . All they saw on paper is a 30 year old with breathing problems . They were not prepared for one so tiny in size nor unable to communicate with them . Nurse Jackie changed her demeanor when she realized that I was Amy 's voice , stayed out of their way , and I was not one of " those " moms . The doctor did not come in for a couple of hours and then he ordered another x - ray , more blood work , and a catheter put in . The same tests all over again . Poor Amy . She loved excitement and people paying attention to her , but not being stuck with needles or catheter tubes and moved from bed to machines , or even lifting her up each time to put the different x - ray screens under her . Her skin was so thin and I was always watching for bed sores . She only ever had a few of them and that was on her feet and lower legs because I wasn 't careful at all times to keep a pillow between her knees and feet . That was . . . . . . . until this hospital stay . As I insisted on staying with her at all times that meant overnight . They reluctantly agreed and I was told later that no one had ever stayed over night in the ICU for about 20 years . Bill and Tess left in the late afternoon and then Tess and my youngest daughter , Emily , came back with some stuff for me that evening . We did not know at the time , but the daily trips over the mountain and back were going to become a routine for the next month . The trip takes about an hour and it snowed every day , except for three days . Thursday had been quite a day for Amy , but neither of us slept much that night . Amy was so used to falling asleep to music and so I sang to her some and tried to comfort her , but that only succeeded in me getting sleepy and she was still wide awake ! Friday , March 1 The Dr . and about a dozen interns ( it is a teaching hospital ) came in and discussed Amy 's case . They decided to take the breathing tube out around noon . As the blood oxygen monitor would not stay on Amy 's finger or toe they put it on her forehead . So she had this red light on her forehead with a huge piece of tape to keep it on . The breathing tube was taken out successfully and now she had two bright red spots on her cheeks where the tape had been . Amy ate jello , drank apple juice , and sips of ice water . She had not eaten or drank anything for about 42 hours . She was very happy ! She loved to eat ! Tess and Bill came and Amy had more jello and a lot of juice . The Dr . said she had an urinary tract infection and pnemonia . It would clear up with medication and breathing treatments . The monitor was taken off her forehead as she kept rolling her eyes up to try to look at it and so they tried taping it to her toe again . Nurse Jackie was wonderful and talked to Amy , not just us . After a tearful goodbye with Amy , Bill and I left , and Tess stayed the night with her . in the Bahamas . It sounds luxurious for a place to go in early March , but the people there are very poor and the year before Bill went with a team and worked on a church . This time they were building a house for a lady and her children . We had no idea that Amy was so seriously ill . Bill would have never gone if he knew that he only had a few weeks left to share Amy 's sweet smile and her unconditional love . I cried buckets when he left in the early hours of the morning . It was snowing pretty heavy and I had to drive to the hospital , so began Day 3 of this journey . Oh , the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God ! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways ! For who has known the mind of the Lord , or who became His counselor ? Or who has first given to Him that it might be paid back to him again ? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things . To Him be the glory forever . Amen . Some friends of our invited us to visit Washington DC with them last weekend . We had a wonderful time , although it was very cold ! We parked outside the city and took the Metro in . I haven 't ridden on a subway for 30 years and it was exciting but not the kind of daily life I would like to live . It was also very sad as we saw many people begging and so many homeless people in the city . They were wrapped up in whatever they owned with a tarp or piece of plastic around them . I think it got in the 20 's the night we were there and it was so very windy . I will have to pray for God to give me a way to help some of them . We walked a lot , visited some museums and ate at The Cheescake Factory . That evening we went to see " A Christmas Carol " in Fords Theater . ( That was the theater where President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated . ) The production really touched my heart . It was a musical and all of the songs they sang were traditional Christmas Carols . The songs pointed to Christ many times as our hope and I realized that I have been looking at the commercial side of Christmas and not the real meaning of Christmas . Even with the story line of Tiny Tim , I didn 't feel sad , but only joy . I was inspired to at least recognize Christmas this year by hanging wreaths on our doors and making some cookies to share . I will try my best to think of others this season and remember how happy Amy is sharing this Christmas with her Savior Jesus . My husband and I took Amy to the ER around 8 : 00 Thursday morning , February 28 . They took a chest x - ray , blood work , and started an IV . The ER doctor was very kind and actually talked to Amy . ( Some doctors act like she can 't hear , or understand , or that she isn 't even there . ) As she was having so much distress in her breathing , he wanted to put in a breathing tube , intubate her . He also wanted to transfer Amy to a bigger hospital that was better equipped to take care of her and the tube would be easier for her to travel . He took us to another room to talk about it . The doctor assured us that this is done quite often and in a day or two the tube could be removed . But he also gave us no guaranties . Amy was quite frail ( only about 65 lbs ) but he knew how well she did last year with pneumonia , so he gave us a few minutes to make a decision . My husband and I had decided previously to not do anything like this to keep Amy alive . We felt that when the Lord called her home , it was her time to go . But it was not like in the movies . She wasn 't in a coma , she was wide awake and in distress , pain and scared , because she couldn 't breathe . We decided to let them intubate her . I didn 't know it then , but it was the beginning of the end . Would we had made the same decision had we know there would be almost 5 weeks of time spent in the hospital ? That Amy would have more procedures and more pain ? That she wouldn 't live through all this ? Of course we wouldn 't have . We would have taken her home right then and committed her life to God . But that was not what God wanted for her life or for ours . He wanted us to go through those five weeks . He wanted Amy to touch many , many lives in the hospital . He wanted her to share her story with others . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I will continue in the next post . Almost two weeks ago , my husband and I took a Sunday off and spent some time alone . We ended up doing some work at our mountain cabin we built on our land about 17 years ago . I was dreading seeing the inside as sometime over the summer , porcupines had chewed their way inside and set up camp for awhile . I felt there had been enough destruction in our life lately and I didn 't want to see more . Well , it was bad , but we worked on it , cleaned up what we could , and we know with a little more hard work we 'll be able to fix it up again . We spent time talking about the future , how our perspectives of life have changed . Our children grew up so fast and now . . . . . one is no longer here . I have been feeling like just getting through with life , wanting to be in heaven with Amy and just going through the motions until God calls me home . Something happened that afternoon , though . It was like I finally realized that I could live for another 30 years or more ! What was I going to do with the rest of my life ? Where was God leading me next ? I was just a little bit excited to think about the future . I felt more encouraged that day , even though there were tears , than I had for quite some time . So I have had more good days then bad days . But I can 't live in a bubble of my own home . I have to get out once in awhile to shop and this time of year is very hard . I see Amy in everything I look at . The Christmas stuff is almost depressing . I have no desire to decorate and I 'm not doing very well on my shopping . We are having the family over for Thanksgiving , though . I will make a big turkey and the girls will help out by bringing some side dishes . We are using the dining room table . It will be hard . . . . but I am determined to do it . . . . and we will get through with God 's grace . I 'm sure there will be lots of tears , but my family is getting used to me crying all the time ! Two days ago I finished using the last of Amy 's perfume . She had mostly body sprays . I would use them on her very liberally and she would smell so good . Everyday for her month long This week I saw an ambulance parked at McDonalds . Just sitting there , no siren , no flashing lights , no emergency . As I waited in the drive through lane it all came rushing back . That first ride in the ambulance eight months ago . I decided I wasn 't hungry and went to the cemetery and cried . I need to tell those who don 't know us about Amy 's last month . I need to read the journal my daughter and I kept of our hospital stay and share what happened the last month of Amy 's life . I feel a need to do this , but it will hurt . I have tried to block it out for so long now and maybe if I confront it , I can get over it . On Tuesday , February 26 , 2013 , Amy came home from her day school and seemed tired . That wasn 't unusual , she was tired a lot after school and I would always lay her down and let her nap if she wanted . She would listen to a story and most of the time fall asleep . That night she had a low fever before bed and I decided to keep her home from school the next day . I still wasn 't too concerned . Wednesday she slept quite a lot , but ate well and I was debating if I should take her to the doctor or not . She still had a low grade fever Wednesday night but slept well . Thursday morning her fever was up and she was having trouble breathing . That was very unusual for Amy . She had pneumonia just once before and that was about almost a year to the day when she got sick this time . Last year we took her to the ER and they ran some tests and we took her home to recover . No hospital stay . No complications . Amy has always been healthy . If she would get sick , usually she wouldn 't eat much and she would sleep a lot and get over it . Nothing in Amy 's whole life or my life had prepared me for what was to come . . . . . . . . . I had a dentist appointment in the morning and so I thought I would journey out to do some shopping afterwards . I was able to get through the appointment without anyone mentioning Amy . That was a good thing , because I knew I would dissolve into tears if someone asked me how I was doing . I spent a good deal of time in Hobby Lobby as I enjoy doing crafts and I love hearing the Christian music they play in the background . My shopping was going well . I was shopping for my youngest daughter 's birthday . She will be 27 ! I was also shopping for items to go into the Samaritan 's Purse Christmas boxes . This is the first time our family has donated boxes and we each decided to do one , so I was looking for little items for 3 boxes . If you have never heard of it , click Operation Christmas Child . So my shopping day was going great until I was in Kohls . I was walking down the aisle and a lady with a older girl in a wheel chair came my way . We smiled at each other in passing and I glanced down at the girl , smiled and said hello . She just looked at me and said something I couldn 't understand and then my tears started . I was able to control them until . . . . . I saw it . A Christmas ornament display right in the middle of the aisle on the way to the children 's clothes . The same display was there last year when we had our Christmas family shopping day . My husband and I bought Amy two ornaments that day , as we planned on saving one for this Christmas . Of course , we had no idea that Amy would not be here this Christmas to give it to . About four years ago , I started buying Amy an ornament each year . My oldest daughter had taken all her ornaments and my son had taken his , so I decided our tree could use a few more . Amy was so taken with the Disney fairies that we bought one of those for her each year . This year she would have gotten another one . There were a few ladies looking at the ornaments and I just stared at the cute Tinkerbell ones they had and then I had to touch them and the tears started again . I wanted to tell the ladies that I have a daughter and she is perfect and beautiful and I wanted to be able to buy her another ornament , but she is in heaven now . They just glanced at me , looked away , and quickly left . I couldn 't control my tears this time and I just decided to make my purchases and leave . I had a good cry My oldest daughter ( who doesn 't share her feelings very often ) posted this on facebook : I burst into tears again and couldn 't stop crying . My youngest came in and hugged me and I asked her if she would sit on my lap . I held her and rocked her the way I would have Amy . We sobbed together . I haven 't held her like that for probably 20 years . I cried for all the years that are past , that can never be again . I cried for my adult children who are facing so much pain also and I can 't make it better for them . I cried most because I will never hold Amy in my arms again . So the seven month anniversary passed and I did get through it . By God 's grace , I got through it . Tomorrow we are to have a Harvest Banquet after the church service with turkey and all the fixings . Then we are having special music . I can 't bring myself to go . I haven 't been to a church meal without Amy . I just can 't do it yet . So . . . . . . we plan on sleeping in and then spending some time getting our cabin ready for hunting season . We 'll spend the time together , just my husband and I , but Amy will be with us in our hearts and we will worship God in the midst of His creation tomorrow . Maybe not the way some people think we should , but the way that seems best for us right now . Amy loved going up to our cabin for cook outs . She loved riding the 15 - 20 minutes in the truck to get up there . Even the last couple of years , when it hurt her to sit without the support of her chair , ( just my arms ) , she loved to go there . We kept a wheel chair in the cabin so she could be comfortable and she would enjoy the sights and sounds and smells of the woods . I will think about that tomorrow . I will try to just BE . To take in the smells , sounds , and really see the stillness . I 'll try to praise God for all the things that Amy has taught us . And for the thirty - one years and one month that He gave her to us . This was snapped on a cold day last week . The wind has taken a lot of the pretty leaves off the trees but the new grass is so green and some of the daffodils are coming up in front of the stone . But they will soon all be asleep under a layer of snow . How comforting to know that Amy is in the arms of Jesus and it is just her earthly shell that lays here . Posted by My mom just sent me this email . She is 83 years young and always types in capital letters . She is amazing that she is able to understand her computer and be able to communicate with her daughters and her friends like she does . Here is what she said : " I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU ABOUT WHAT I FELT THE LORD WAS SHARING WITH ME , THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN I COULD NOT GET TO SLEEP . I HOPE I CAN PUT IT IN THE RIGHT WORDS . THE LORD BROUGHT AMY HOME TO BE WITH HIM AS A BLESSING TO HER . FOR NOW SHE CAN DO ALL THE THINGS WHEN SHE WAS EARTH BOUND SHE COULD NOT DO . ALSO THAT HE , IN DOING SO , GAVE YOU A BLESSING TOO . FOR NOW YOU ARE ALSO FREE TO BE ABOUT DOING OTHER THINGS FOR HIM . I HOPE I HAVE PUT IT IN THE RIGHT WORDS . . . . IT JUST CAME SO CLEAR TO ME , THAT IN BRINGING AMY HOME , HE WAS GIVING BOTH OF YOU HIS BLESSINGS . " I love my mama so much for being able to tell me this . I have been feeling what she voiced lately , but yet I feel guilty for even thinking that Amy 's death was a blessing . For thirty - three years I have been a mother and that has been my occupation . I also added wife , homeschool mom of three , secretary for our home business , and of course cook , maid , and nurse to my occupation . But overall I was mother and caretaker of Amy . That 's all I 've know for that last thirty - one years . Now , my time is mostly my own . I 've had knee surgery and have healed well from that . I 'm still trying to heal from my heart surgery . I 'm trying to lean on the Lord for wisdom in directing my life . I have not been involved in any church ministry for the last 7 months but God clearly told me about two months ago to tell our church about Compassion International . I felt good about doing this . I knew that God wanted me to do it and I knew that Amy would have been proud of her mom for sharing about the needy and poor . Because of her , I had the courage to share with others . And because of Amy 9 more children got sponsors and will not be suffering anymore from hunger or lack of education . Most important , these children and their families will hear the good news of Jesus . He is what makes all the difference in a person 's life . In my life and in Amy 's . Because of Him , I know I will see my precious daughter again and we will have eternity to share together . So tomorrow . . . . . . I will try to get through my day as I always do . I 'm sure there will be tears and pain , but there will be hope also . Because of Jesus . Posted by Last weekend we visited my husband 's sister . The last time we visited her Amy was with us . We had a good time , as we always do . I reminded Amy of what a good cook her aunt was . When we arrived she had soup and salad waiting for us . Not one of Amy 's favorites ! So we had a good laugh about that and then she redeemed herself by fixing Amy 's favorites the rest of our time there . Before we left we stopped at the sewing shop where she works and Amy and her aunt got their picture together . October 2012 This time , there was no Amy with us . This time , was so different . We took a detour and stopped at a young friend 's house . She and her husband just had a new baby , one month old on the day we visited . This was one of the friends of Amys that I talked about in Amy 's friends . It was such a joy to hold a dear one month old little girl . I was close to tears many times , thinking of all of life that the new mommy has ahead of her with her sweet precious daughter . than we did before and I feel that Amy had a bond with her aunt . She was always up here for Christmas every year and there was a closeness between them . We also always went to church and so I knew many of the people there . One girl I have know since birth and I have enjoyed watching her grow through the years . She is a young lady of 17 now and I talked to her after the morning service and asked her if her mom had told her about Amy and she said yes . Then she asked if she could sit with us that evening . Of course I said yes . God knew I needed that comforting soul sitting next to me . Every time the preacher prayed she put her hand on mine and when we stood to sing the last hymn she put her arm around me . The solo that was sung that night was one I hadn 't heard since Amy was little . It was by Ron Hamilton . I couldn 't find it on You Tube , but here are the words . Wings As Eagles This song touched my heart so much . I would have dissolved into tears right there , but I didn 't want to upset the young lady sitting with us , so I was able to keep it in . It was the reminder that I needed . Isaiah 40 : 31 They will walk and not be faint . " We got another picture this year , in front of the new quilt that Amy 's aunt made . Missing Amy . Amy 's daddy celebrated his 63rd birthday Saturday . This is the first family celebration we have had at our house since Amy has been gone . About a month after she died , I took the leaves out of the kitchen table to make it small . We didn 't need the space for her wheelchair anymore and all the extra room was just a reminder that she wasn 't here anymore . I have yet to clean off my dining room table . It still has the hundreds of get well , birthday and sympathy cards we got for Amy within the last weeks of her death . It has her silk flowers , stuff I saved for a scrapbook , all her funeral info , and the notebooks and stacks of papers that I saved from her schools . We kept a daily blog that we communicated with her teachers . I hope to one day be able to read them again . I can 't even think about it now because it hurts too much . So . . . . . . I just couldn 't bring myself to clean off that table yet for this family gathering . The last time we all gathered in the dining room was 2 days before she died to celebrate a belated birthday for her . I treasure those last few days and moments with Amy but at the same time I wish I could just block them out of my mind because she looked so bad . She was so weak that she couldn 't even smile . I put the table leaves back in the kitchen table for Bill 's birthday and we managed to fit 7 people around it . Amy loved birthdays . She loved any kind of celebration . But she especially loved candles . She was never able to blow them out by herself but we always had fun helping her . We would sing " Happy Birthday " as I brought the cake to the table and then we would have the birthday person make a wish before blowing out the candles . After presents were opened we would set all the presents up and take a picture of the birthday person surrounded by their presents . This has always been our tradition , even with my husband and myself , so we just carried it on when our children became adults also . I don 't know how we could look so happy . We didn 't know the pain of what life would be like without our beloved Amy . But now we do . The smiles don 't come so easy now . And it will be a long time before we have anymore happy birthday celebrations . Amy continues to teach us . Even though life has been very busy here and I have not shared on my blog , Amy has touched my life every day . We had our oldest friends fly over 1000 miles to visit us last week . They are not our oldest friends in age , but in the sense that we met before either of us were married . My dear friend and I worked at a National Park together and she was dating her childhood sweetheart who became her husband three years later and that summer I met the man who would become my husband just a year later . We were in each others weddings and have stayed in contact for the last 37 years even though so many miles separate us . They treated us to a weekend away at a bed and breakfast . The Inn at Ragged Edge . We visited the National Apple Festival in Biglersville , toured Gettysburg , and the countryside around Shippensburg for some Amish stores , and we ate ! We acted like we were 16 and 17 again . Even though my body felt like a old lady ! Most of all , they let us talk . They asked us questions about Amy and life . They let us cry and be quiet if we needed . They were great ! Our first night we dined at The Historic Dobbin House . The food was wonderful and they had a strolling musician . All was well until he came to our table and starting singing a song about missing the love of his life , and that she left too soon . I totally lost it ! We all were thinking about Amy and I could not hold back the tears and couldn 't wait until he got through the song as I was almost sobbing . He was very kind , and I told him about Amy and gave her story brochure to him . I shared quite a few of her stories over the weekend . If I see someone who is in a wheelchair I will give it to them . If I feel led to hand it out to someone else , I try to do so . She is still telling her story to others . The other thing that happened was just a God - thing ! We were driving around Amish country and had already been to a fabric store when my friend 's husband took a side road because of a sign to a quilt shop . We didn 't really want to go to a quilt shop ! We couldn 't afford any quilts and I wasn 't going to buy anything , but the men were talking and just kept driving . So we get to this shop and a young lady came out of the house to go to the shop and she was pushing a wheelchair . She was 25 and her sister Naomi ( in the wheelchair ) was 27 . Just a few years younger than Amy . She couldn 't talk , was diagnosed with CP , was even skinnier than Amy was , but she had the biggest smile on her face . Her sister said I could talk to Naomi and I told her about my Amy and then I couldn 't finish because of the tears . Before we left , I gave her a big hug and caressed her one braid in front . The other was behind her back . I could have asked to hold her and I 'm sure the sister would have let me , but I don 't think I could have controlled my tears and I didn 't want Naomi to see me cry . I wish I would have asked to take a picture , but that might have offended them . I gave her Amy 's Story and she asked for my address as they don 't have a computer . It was so very hard to see another young lady like my Amy , but I know that God sent us there and that I needed to touch her hand and feel her hair and give her a hug . I 'm trying to see what God has to teach me in everything that happens in my life . Before my friends left , we visited the cemetery and had a good cry . They are the first people , outside of the family , that have been to the cemetery with us . Today Amy 's daddy and brother planted two butterfly bushes and placed a bench , shaped like a butterfly , between them at the developmental center where Amy used to attend . She loved going to " school . " She had wonderful people who worked with her and took care of her . This dear lady was one of her best friends , because her teachers were her friends , also . They seemed to have a special connection and I knew I never had to worry when Amy was out of my sight . I will never be able to thank her teachers enough for doing " more " than their job . They loved her , too . So tomorrow will be six months . Six months since I held Amy in my arms and gave her a kiss . Six months since I picked up her lifeless body and placed it lovingly on the gurney for the undertaker to take her away from her home forever . I knew that she really wasn 't with us anymore . That she was with Jesus , but oh how I wish I would have waited just a little longer . Held her a little closer and treasured the feel of her against me . I can never have that again in this world . The next day it just came to me that Amy will never be in their weddings . It about wrenched my heart out . Just when I seem to be doing good , a memory will come , or a thought , and it tears me to pieces . But most of the time , I am doing good . Life continues and I am getting stronger . When I get real down , I try to think what I can do to help someone else . It might just be sending a card , or making a gift , but it does help to think of others . Amy taught me so much just by living , but she has taught me also in her death . I take life slower . I let myself enjoy my family and friends . People are more important than things . Prayer is a wonderful way of talking to my best friend , Jesus . I 'm sure as time goes on , God will teach me more about Amy 's life and her absence from my life here . Posted by The last time I visited my sister , who lives 6 hours away in another state , Amy was with us . My oldest daughter , and Amy and I attended the high school graduation of my nephew . He is now a junior in college . Amy loved that trip ! She always liked to travel and her aunt , uncle and cousins loved her and made her feel so special . My husband and I just got back yesterday from a weekend there . We had a nice and relaxing time . They have a house on a lake and it was so beautiful and the weather was perfect . My sister and I did a little shopping . The guys watched football and ate pizza . We went to their church and I cried during worship , remembering the last time Amy was there and the music . She loved the music ! They have a full band and wonderful vocalists . Last time we happened to meet another family with a Rett girl and so I looked around for them this time but didn 't see them . It might have been really hard to see her , but I wonder if she is ok . We didn 't keep in contact and my sister didn 't know the family . ( Her church is really large . ) I always thought Amy would be with us forever ! I never considered that she might die in a few short years . If only I could give her a hug , just one more time . I had hoped for a time when my husband and I might be able to travel if the Lord decided to take Amy home , but I never let my mind go there and never thought it would be a reality NOW . We did have a good time . It just seemed so strange to not have Amy with us or know she was waiting back home . We stopped about an hour before we got home for a bite to eat and they were selling giant KitKat bars by the register . Amy loved KitKats . I told my husband how weird it felt to not have her with us anymore . We always tried to go away for a weekend every year , just my husband and me , so this was no different than any other of our weekends away . I voiced this to him . My husband is a man of few words , so when he does speak , it is worth listening to . He said that whenever we were away before I always worried . No matter how much we enjoyed ourselves , I always worried about Amy . No matter who was taking care of her , I always worried . I realized that was it . That is what was so strange to me . I didn 't have to worry about Amy . I don 't have to worry about Amy anymore . She is in God 's hands . He is taking care of her . And this little cutie was waiting for us when we got home . Her name is Little Bit and we call her Bitty . She is 3 months old . Three years ago today we were 2000 miles away , attending the wedding of our son . Amy loved that trip ! I had made her a special dress . The dress , that less than three years later she was buried in . I made a special vest of the same material as her dress to cover up the black vest that was used to hold her up straight in her wheel chair . I also made a blue cover for her right elbow splint because she would chew on that hand . That vest cover and the splint cover have been thrown away . The arm splints and wheel chairs have been given away to those who Amy no longer needs any help to sit up right . She can walk and run . She can sing praises to God and does not shed tears like I am doing right now . Oh dear God why can 't I be happy for her ? Why am I in so much pain ? I know she is with you and happy . Will I ever be able to move on ? I can 't wait to see her again . To be with her in heaven . I don 't sorrow as one who has no hope . But I do sorrow . Come quickly , Lord Jesus . Take us all home to be with you . I have really enjoyed my daily study in the book of John . Anytime that death is talked about , it is like I am reading it for the first time ! I loved the story of Lazarus . I wonder if Jesus ' tears were for having to bring Lazarus back into this world and take him away from heaven rather than because He was so sad that he died . The Bible says that the people saw Jesus ' tears and said , " Look how much He loved him ! " I am reassured every time I read His words of His love for me and for Amy . Yesterday I read a portion that was one that Amy also enjoyed so much . 1 John 14 : 1 - 3 " Do not let your heart be troubled ; believe in God , believe also in Me . In My Father 's house are many dwelling places ; if it were not so , I would have told you ; for I go to prepare a place for you . If I go and prepare a place for you , I will come again and receive you to Myself , that where I am , there you may be also . " I talked about heaven a lot with Amy . We would dream together about what it would be like to be there and she would be able to talk to me and we would sing praises together . We would run and ride horses together and climb mountains . Now I guess I can 't say " would " but need to say I will . . . . . . but Amy is . . . . . . . . . . . now doing those very things . I am waiting for that day that we CAN do those things together . I stopped by the cemetery one day and they were installing her memorial stone . My youngest daughter and I went back that afternoon and I just fell to ground and sobbed . I have been waiting for the stone , but it seemed so final , so horrible and awful . I caressed the butterfly and Amy 's name . It is the worst thing ever to see your child 's name engraved on a tombstone . I used to enjoy wandering around cemeteries . I don 't know if I could ever do that anymore . We just wanted a simple stone . What Amy would have wanted . I 'm going to take her butterfly and angel lights back tomorrow and plant some crocus and daffodil bulbs that will come up in the spring . I started fall cleaning this week and stored away all my garden items that I keep handy in the house during the spring and summer . It brought such sadness to me . I never took the time to set up the humming bird feeder and even stopped feeding the songbirds halfway through the summer . I just didn 't care at the time and now it is gone . It seemed that we didn 't even have spring and summer this year . Time has a way of swiftly moving on , but yet standing still when someone in your life is missing . But I guess that is my whole problem . Amy is not missing . She is more found than I am right now . I still feel so lost without her . I am doing my best to hold on and receive comfort from the Word . Today 's reading had these words : " Just as the Father has loved Me , I have also loved you ; abide in My love . If you keep My commandments , you will abide in My love ; just as I have kept My Father 's commandments and abide in His love . These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you , and that your joy may be made full . "

Looking back , if I have anything to apologize for , it 's that never apologized for anything . I did what I wanted , what I had to . If people were hurt or inconvenienced by the way I lived , this was their problem to solve . I couldn 't be responsible for the feelings or well - being of others . Should I have pulled back on the reigns of my ambition for fear of stepping on the toes of those who did not want to win as badly as I ? Should I have kept promises which no longer suited me , for fear of shattering someone else 's dreams ? ( Simply being able to shatter the dreams of others made me feel powerful ! ) Should I have allowed myself be weak so as to give space to those who were not as strong ? To do any of those things would have compromised who I was and who I was determined to become . Others hesitated for such sentimental reasons , and consequently lost ground . Greatness requires a monomaniacal fixation on the prize . One misstep , one falsely placed trust , one momentary glance away from the path , and it might all crumble ; the fractured shatters of ambition tramped upon indifferently , like long - neglected Roman ruins . The best game is at the top . There you meet others who are as good and as determined as you are . Maybe more so . Players are steeled for a fight to the death . Dying is better than achieving that height without finally taking the prize . Each , willing to die for the glory of standing in the rarefied air at the top of the peak . Each , willing to kill for the privilege of being able to look down and survey the land below , knowing everything and everyone belongs to you . Most humans don 't have the stomach for this game . They do their best to stay out of the way of people like me . Little fish , schooling together , believing that in numbers and anonymity , they will better their odds of surviving the inevitable shark attack . Most , even those with a fair amount of ambition , are limited by their unwillingness to sacrifice everything else in order to play The Big Game . They are unwilling to take what they want . Only those who take , get . They are unwilling to compromise their so - called morals . I married because it was what was done . I had children and I loved them but I can 't say there was a lot of love in my marriage . I did my wifely duties , and my husband did what was expected of him , but still , I suffered from the most profound loneliness . In the beginning at least , there was a kind of friendship and a domestic comradery which made things tolerable . The thing is , I never cared much for sex . I never felt any passion for him , or for anyone . I just assumed this was how it was . For a long time , when I saw ostensibly happy , loving couples , I thought they were just putting on a show for the sake of appearances . Or that they were lying to themselves and after a while , they would no longer be able to sustain the charade . I had a good job as a supervisor in a large hospital so I was always financially independent . This was important to me in case I ever decided to leave . I 'm not really sure why I didn 't . I guess I was secretly afraid of what I 'd discover about myself out there . By this time in my life , I 'd come to the realization that some couples really are happy . I was pleased to see that my children were among them . But this was a bittersweet feeling because it always made me wonder what was wrong with me . It made me realize what I had missed . When I was 63 , my husband was killed in a work - related accident . I should have been sad , but I felt nothing . For years , he 'd merely been a presence in my life - neither positive or negative . We both went about our business and never included the other in any interests or plans . The only time we appeared in public as a couple was at family functions and at holiday time , and even then , we didn 't relate much . After he was gone , I became more social . I joined clubs and organizations and even some citizen action groups . I tried dating , at the insistence of my children , but no one ever interested me and it just wasn 't worth the effort . When I was 67 , I met a woman in one of my groups , who made me feel something I 'd never felt for a man . For the first time in my life , another human being gave me butterflies . She was a few years younger than I was and a recent " widow " … ( I later learned , from a long term relationship with a woman . ) I didn 't understand my own fascination at first . To be honest , it disgusted me . I disgusted myself . What kind of freak was I ? I 'd been married for nearly forty years . I had kids and grandkids . I wasn 't like that ! I convinced myself that I just enjoyed her friendship . I 'd never met anyone before her with whom I was so compatible . We laughed at the same things . We 'd read the same books , had seen the same movies , and loved and hated them in the same measure and for the same reasons . We liked the same music . Had the same values . It was easy being with her . I felt I could tell her anything . We quickly became almost inseparable , but if my feelings drifted into the realm of romantic love , I quickly pushed them aside . It went like this for over a year until finally she suggested we go on vacation together . I was happy to have someone to travel with - I 'd always wanted to , but was afraid to go alone . To save money , we shared a room . It made perfect sense . It didn 't occur to me that anything would happen . Looking back , I was in deep denial . I am ashamed to say , I wasn 't very nice to her for the rest of our trip . I was scared and confused . But she understood and give me enough time and space to find my way back to her . And so I did . Eventually , we moved in together . We called ourselves " roommates " and claimed it made the most efficient use of our limited budgets , but I 'm not sure how many we actually fooled . Of those we didn 't , I doubt any of them even cared . I always assumed my kids had figured it out , but they never actually said anything . They simply accepted us as a unit . We were happy like that for many years , until at 85 , she passed away in her sleep . At our age , it was inevitable that one of us would leave the other . I should have been prepared , but I was inconsolable . I , myself , was also gone within the year . I know now that we 've been together before , and that we will be together again . I just hope that next time , it doesn 't take so long for us to find each other . Maybe the lesson here is , it 's best to be true to yourself from the very beginning I was 9 when I was betrothed to him ; 15 when we married . He was an old man to me at 34 ; older even than my own mother . I went to live with his family - his brothers and their wives , and his proud and unkind mother . She was haughty and arrogant about being the mother to five children - all boys - who would take care of her . Their wives were just another set of servants who had to cater her . She ruled the roost , not only at home , but in the village , too . She acted as if having boys was all her doing ; that she was somehow responsible for this fortunate roll of the genetic dice The first time he took me , I didn 't know anything about sex . It hurt . There was no pleasure in it for me … not that time , and not ever . We didn 't even sleep in the same bed . I slept with the other wives , on mats on the floor in a small bungalow off the main house . I liked being pregnant because then he didn 't bother me too much . His mother made him leave me alone lest he hurt the child growing inside . Although he had control over me , his mother had control over him . She could overrule any decision he made . I was hoping for a boy , because then he could take care of me when I was old . I could make his wife a servant . But I had a girl . She was a disappointment to all . My next child was a boy , but he was born sickly and weak and died very young . I prayed so hard for him to get well , but when he didn 't , I just assumed it was because the gods didn 't listen to women like me . I was not important . The next was also a girl and now my status was very low , indeed . She was a smart one , though . I could tell even when she was a tiny baby . The way she looked around and took in everything . She didn 't cry like normal babies . She just seemed to understand that nothing could be done about her discomfort . That was just the way it was . I secretly hoped that she would break free and not follow my path . One of the other wives knew how to read a little bit , and begged her to teach my youngest the letters and words that would hopefully someday make her independent . She agreed , but as payment , I had to take her most unpleasant tasks . I didn 't mind . I was used to hard work . Every slop bucket I emptied , every floor I cleaned , gave me pleasure . I had no power in the world , but still I 'd found a way to invest in my daughter 's future . Normally , girls didn 't go to school but she was very curious . She was forever bothering her boy cousins with questions about what they 'd learned in school . To their credit , they answered her , mostly because she was able to grasp it quickly and explain it back to them . She actually helped them with their schoolwork . She borrowed their books and would hide herself behind a tree or out in the field , and read them all . When she was ten , I convinced my husband and mother - in - law to send her to school . My argument was that she was smart enough to someday get a real job , and bring money into the family . And so they did . She did well , and wanted to continue her education . There was no secondary school in our village , so she went far away and stayed there while classes were on . I missed her , but I knew she was happy . I wanted her to succeed . Meanwhile , my oldest daughter was already married off ; also sent to live with her husband 's family . Her husband was closer to her own age and he seemed to love her . Fortunately her mother - in - law was a generous and pleasant woman . Her situation was already better than mine . It was the best I could have hoped for her . When I was forty - two , my husband died . His mother , now very old and on the verge of death , herself , wanted me to commit sati . I did not want to die . I barely knew my husband as a full person ; I obeyed him as was proper , but did not love him . I certainly wasn 't going to mourn him . The old witch knew this and it made her angry . In her mind , I should suffer from his death as she was suffering . Sati had long been outlawed , so I refused . Legally , she could not compel me . This was the first and only time I stood up to her and I was defiant . Better she should throw herself on his funeral pyre . She couldn 't have had more than a few years left , anyway . My defiance only angered her more . Who was I , a nothing , to refuse her command ? She seemed to back down , and I naively thought I 'd won , but do you know what she did , that terrible woman ? She had me drugged ! While my husband 's body was burning , I was led to the fire by her other sons , where I was half - hypnotized , half shoved into the flames . What are my regrets , you want to know ? So many , I don 't know where to begin . On the other hand , I know that no one can do it all in one body . We break off bits of human experience and take them one life at a time . I did what I could do , to the best of my ability . And if my ability was limited , that was as it should have been . For the lessons , of course . I had more regrets at the end of my life than I do now , because now I can see the bigger picture . Then , dying of cancer for two years , I had plenty of time to think about all the things I did wrong and all the things I should have done that I didn 't . I regretted not appreciating my parents more when they were alive . I regretted not savoring the childhoods of my kids to a greater degree . They grew up so fast ! And because we weren 't close , they moved far away and I didn 't get to see my grandkids more than a couple of times a year . I regretted not expressing to those I loved how I felt about them . You want to know if I was a man or a woman . Does it matter ? Here , there is no gender . I barely can remember through whose eyes I saw the world in which lifetime . I am still trying to figure out how to come back the next time . You want to know how many lives . Honestly , I don 't remember . At least ten . It 's hard to remember further back than that . As I said , they all kind of blend together . I 've often been with the same souls , so I get confused sometimes if , in any particular life , I was the husband or wife , the mother or the child . It 's as if we 're a troupe of actors who often work together , always performing different plays . How long between ? Depends . Sometimes we have to figure things out first ; contemplate and answer our own questions . Sometimes we have to wait for others to die , so we can be together again . But here , there is no time , so what does it matter ? A month of earth time or a hundred years . It 's all the same . Do I feel emotional pain ? When I first came back I did . I was still somewhat attached to the regrets of my last body . I had to work though my guilt . But sooner or later , I got the necessary perspective . Now when I feel anything , it 's compassion . How ? Compassion in that I understand that everyone is on their own journey . We are all doing what we need to do , and our worldly goals often conflict with others ' . Up close , we butt up against each other . We are constricted by our lack of understanding ; by our base human emotions and instincts . It is difficult to find compassion among the living . But here , we are so removed from the pain of every day life , we are able to see thing objectively . We can watch dispassionately yet with more understanding . We can see the how the small players influence the main stage . Mostly I guess , it 's because nobody 's doing anything to us so it 's easy to be generous with our love . How does that love manifest ? As I said , mostly as compassion . Sometimes , we try to whisper and nudge humans in the right direction . To them , it sounds like an inner voice . Unfortunately , most of them don 't listen . I guess we show our love in that we keep trying to make them hear us , even when they ignore us . Do some listen better than others ? Oh , some are marvelous listeners ! Everybody recognizes them , too . They always seem peaceful and sure of themselves . And never afraid . Humans admire those qualities in others , but most of them don 't understand how those qualities develop . They don 't recognize that they could be the same if they only listened to those internal voices that either urged them forward or warned them away . I hope to hear more from this entity . My impression was , it had a lot more to tell me , and that it would , at some other time . I look forward to our next " chat . " Margaret called me to tell me the news . I 'd been expecting it for months ; always on pins and needles waiting for the call to say that Mum was finally gone . She 'd been deteriorating for a couple of years , but since the previous winter , when she 'd taken a nasty spill on the icy sidewalk in front of her house , she hadn 't been herself . She was mentally closed in . She didn 't care about anything any more . She 'd lost her appetite for baking , for her favorite TV shows , for Bingo - for any of the small things that had previously brought her joy . I 'd tried to plan my life around her inevitable and impending passing . I knew when the time came , I 'd have to go back home for a few weeks to help Margie sort things out , sell the house , settle the estate . I never committed myself firmly to any social plans that I couldn 't back out of at the last minute . I made sure to carefully document everything I was doing at work , so anyone else could step in and pick up where I 'd left off . I didn 't leave anything for the last minute , but instead made sure I was ready to go at a moment 's notice . I even had a packed bag stowed in the hall closet . I liked having everything under control . People thought I was uptight and anal , but I found a kind of comfort in having no loose ends , planning for every possible contingency . I had no patience for those who were caught unaware because they hadn 't thought things through . That was just sloppy living , as far as I was concerned . I lived conservatively , saving as much as I could so I 'd have a nice nest egg when I retired … in 30 - something years . I kept my resume up to date and made sure I was current on all the newest industry news and technology , just in case my employment situation changed . When I took a vacation , every hotel , every activity , every transportation connection , every moment , was planned . I was not a spontaneous kind of girl . So , when the Margie 's call came , I called the airline ( I 'd already done the research on bereavement airfares ) and made my reservation . I told my boss that the time was finally here . ( She already knew I 'd be gone for a few weeks , and knew how to retrieve my updated files and worksheets . ) When I got home , I called the funeral home to set into motion arrangements which had already been made . I booked a car service to take me to the airport for my 10 a . m . flight . I called my neighbor who had my key and had already agreed to water my plants . At 6 : 30 a . m . I pulled my bag from the closet and threw in a few last minute items . The car arrived at 7 : 00 and off we went . It was only a twenty - minute drive to the airport , but I wanted to be sure I left myself plenty of time , just in case there was traffic . I was searching through my handbag , mentally calculating how many people we could expect at the house after the services , when I caught some movement ahead . I looked up , curious , to see the side of a huge tractor - trailer coming at us at 50 miles an hour . In actual fact , the truck had jack - knifed and wasn 't moving at all . We were the ones going 50mph . I realize from this perspective how much of my life I wasted on planning . I should have taken more chances . I thought I was protecting myself from risk , but in fact , I was just boxing myself off from growth . Perhaps it 's just as well that I died young . I 'm sure I never would have changed , and it would have been another fifty , sixty years of mere existence , and what 's the point of that ? At least now I have the opportunity to start again . Life works in mysterious ways . At first , I couldn 't wait to marry her . At the end , I just wanted her dead . I wanted her mouth shut ; her body rotting in the ground , where it belonged . I 'd been helplessly in love with her and she had betrayed me ; turned me into a cuckold ; made me a fool ; built huge , flashing arrows pointing to my weaknesses . If anyone had asked me , I might have said I loved her , but I guess the hatred and resentment was always bubbling beneath the surface . I hated being in her power ; hated myself for not being able to break free . She baited me all the time : Compared my " assets " to those of my best friend , who , I was often reminded , had a " much better set . " Mocking me for every mistake , large and small . Belittling me just because she could . She was beautiful and a bit exotic . When I met her , I couldn 't believe a woman like that would be interested in me . When I 'd ask her why , she told me I was her " diamond in the rough . " She would teach me how to be a man , and I believed her . In the beginning , she doted on me and built up my ego . I didn 't feel like merely a man ; I felt like " The Man . " Ultimately , however , no matter how much she tried to polish me , no matter how nice a setting she put me in , I was always the same old hunk of worthless rock . Soon , she hated me for it . She believed , if I 'd only loved her enough , I would change . My apparent inability to grow a spine was a slap in her face . It was a brutal transition between her believing in me and her no longer giving a damn . I ached for the early days . I still believed I loved her because I remembered how she used to make me feel . She took so much pleasure in tormenting me , and I accepted it . I believed I deserved it . My thinking went : " At least she 's still here ; at least I can satisfy her in some way . " My father had just passed away a few months before . I hadn 't had much contact with him since I 'd left home years earlier . I had no use for him . From boyhood , he , too , belittled me . At the time , I would not have said I was deeply affected by his death . It 's funny , but I can 't remember the exact words she said that set it all in motion , but it was something that cut me so deep , it opened up all the wounds from my youth . Every last scab had been ripped off and they were all stinging and bleeding again : The existential fear of my own worthlessness . The self - loathing because I didn 't have the confidence to stand up for myself . The inability to trust my own judgment in any situation , thus deferring to anyone and everyone , and never having a voice of my own . In that moment , I remembered the bullies who used to tease me , especially the day I came out of school to discover they 'd set my brand new bicycle on fire . I remembered my father whispering to family members and friends , and them looking at me and laughing . I was never sure exactly what he was telling them , but I felt it had to do with my most recent failure at sports or at school , with the way I 'd mishandled a chore or errand . Nothing - and I mean nothing in my entire life - had ever impressed him . Even when I got married to that beauty , he made sure I knew he didn 't believe she really loved me . She must be some kind of gold - digger , he suggested , then corrected himself . " Nah , you 're never going have enough money to make it worth any gold - digger 's time . " She and I were standing in the living room , next to the fireplace . She was on a rant , haranguing me with the entire catalog of my flaws and weaknesses . After a while , I didn 't hear the individual words ; I just felt the toxicity of their intent . I couldn 't breathe . The poisonous cloud was enveloping me , choking me . I had to make it stop . I picked up the heavy , metal mantle clock , and without thinking , hit her with it on the side of the head . She crumpled in a heap . Dead . Oh yes . Definitely dead . It didn 't take them long to figure out the truth . She was dead and I was crying crocodile tears . I had motive and opportunity . It took about ten minutes at the station for me to confess the whole thing . I was actually relieved that it was over . I was in my own private hell . It was as if every torment in my life had been distilled to its very essence and applied here . There were no lessons to be learned , only pain to be avoided . After about four years , with another 20 before I was even up for parole , I wanted to die . Ironically , in prison , they do their best to keep you from killing yourself . They prefer you alive so they can take their retribution one cut at a time . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , please spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) And , as always , your comments and support are welcome ! I knew it was going to be over soon when I started getting the night terrors . Everything spooked me … every creak of a floorboard ; a branch blowing against a window . When a plane flew low over the neighborhood , I 'd start shaking and sometimes couldn 't stop for hours . During the day , I went to the Center , where there were other guys like me . We joked around , played cards , told jokes . Smoked a lot of cigarettes . We held it together in front of the others with the one gram of pride we had left . But when I went home alone to my small room over an old lady 's garage , that 's when the fear started to come back . Too jumpy to sit still , sometimes I 'd work out until I dropped from exhaustion . In the beginning , with a little luck and a pill , I could sleep through the night . Towards the end , nothing helped me stay asleep . Through it all , I was terrorized by memories of the things I 'd seen and the things I 'd done . Regret , guilt and terror . These were all I was capable of feeling . When I first returned , I thought my emotions would eventually normalize and I 'd go back to the way I used to be . But I was permanently damaged . Eventually I came to understand that some things change us so cataclysmically that the core is literally ripped from our soul . Reunification comes only with death . This dawned upon me slowly . For a long time , I was in denial . I told myself I would get better - I 'd just have to work harder . Ultimately , though , I recognized there would never be healing for me . This was my only option . Eventually , I would have to do it . I walked around like an oozing sore , pustulating with malignancy and anger , infecting those around me . I was angry that killing myself was my only choice . I was angry that at 24 , it had come to this . I should have had a long , happy life ahead of me ; a wife and kids . Instead , I was just a husk of a human being . Killing myself wasn 't really going to destroy anything that wasn 't already completely destroyed . After I realized that this would be my inevitable end , I still managed to hang on for nearly another year . In that time , I turned over every rock in my soul , looking for progress , looking for a reason to hope . Under everything there was nothing but dust . I thought about it seriously for a few weeks , wondering how I would go about it . I didn 't want to leave a mess upstairs for the old lady . She 'd been nice to me . It didn 't want her to be traumatized by finding my body . I didn 't want anyone to have to find my body or clean up after me . I just wanted to be gone , quickly , quietly , painlessly and with the least amount of fuss . One night , I packed up my things in a bag , left out whatever money I had on the bed for the landlady to find , and walked out to a place I knew would work . I threw the bag off the bridge first , then followed it into the dark icy water below . Nobody saw me fall . The current was swift . I was out to sea before anyone missed me . I didn 't leave a note . No one would bother to look for me . They 'd all assume I 'd just left town . If anyone did eventually figure out what happened , they would know the reason why . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , please spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) And , as always , your comments are welcome ! I used to think I knew everything . I was a famous man , and people listened to what I had to say , as if I were a credible conveyor of All Truth . In my defense , I have to say I did know quite a lot . I had a very sharp intellect and piercing wit . People paid to hear me speak and I expounded freely . How I loved having an audience ! I believed I was better , smarter and understood more truth than anyone else . Only now do I understand how little I actually knew . Here , I can see the absolute vastness of all I do not know or understand . Perhaps my soul never will . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , please spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) And , as always , your comments are welcome ! I was vain , it is true . And my vanity caused many others to suffer . I was vain about things I had no right to claim as my own - my looks , my status ( which was inherited , and then enhanced by marriage . ) As I got older , I took care of myself as best I could , to maintain the illusion of youth as long as possible . After a certain number of years , however , age just catches up . A woman loses her sexual power over men . If this is all she has , if she 's put all her eggs in this particular basket , she ends up with nothing . At 79 , I was still elegant ; still invited to all the right parties . My last companion was 53 . It was obvious to everyone except me that he was playing me . I wanted to believe that I still had enough wit , charm , and charisma to attract such a witty , charming , charismatic man . When I died , he and my children ( with whom I was never particularly close ) , got into a protracted legal suit over my estate . From where I was , I didn 't care who won . I could see how utterly pointless their battle was . The loser , in the end , was the real winner , although it took a while for that understanding to sink in . Today I was out for a walk and ran into two women I haven 't really spoken to in over a year . The first woman is a neighbor , and though we usually have a quick hello when we see each other on the street , today we ended up yakking for an hour . Mostly , she talked a lot about her mother , who had passed the previous year . There was nothing unusual in that . It made perfect sense in the context of the conversation we were having , although it was the longest conversation we 've had , probably in two or three years . From there , I went to the supermarket . Right on front of me in line , was someone who 'd worked for me very briefly over a year ago . We have not been in touch . I asked her how she was doing , making light conversation . She told me her mother had just passed away . While waiting to check out , she started telling me all about her mom , her history , her days as an organizer . I didn 't think anything odd about either of these encounters at the time . Later , however , I wondered if there wasn 't something a bit more than coincidence here . They hadn 't simply informed that their mothers had recently passed . That 's normal " news " you might share under such circumstances . It was that they both spontaneously told me their mother 's story , as if it were important for me to know . In neither case was it at all in keeping with the very casual kind of relationship we had . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , please spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) And , as always , your comments are welcome ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

A blog from one woman 's view of life having lived with Ulcerative Colitis and now ALS . She misses teaching her first graders , and through her blog is teaching others to be a little bit kinder . Wednesday , November 30 , 2016 Laughing ! Today was a really great day ! Fun ? Yup . Were there moments of deep sadness ? Yup . But all around a really good day . Today I saw Liz . She reads my blog and she is going to be absolutely mortified that I am writing about her . Sorry Liz ( but not really ) . Liz and I met through Adam . She is married to a man whom Adam has known since his Ewing days ( who or whom ? ) . We connected upon our first meeting . We got married within a year of each other . We had our kids at about the same time . We spent a lot of time together when our babies were little . And then I went back to work full time , and we just kind of went our separate ways . No fault , just did . Such is life sometimes , but over the years I have thought of Liz . A lot . Every time I saw this sign in gift shop , I thought of Liz . Then I got diagnosed with ALS ( the rotten , f * # kin ' asshat ) and I thought it is of the utmost importance for me to see and spend time with people I love . I thought of all the great times Adam and I had when we were first married , and our kids were little with a few of his Ewing / college friends . Jen ( an angel ) offered to organize a dinner . We couldn 't get in touch with Liz by email or social media . So I did it the old fashioned way , via telephone call . I called Liz . Soon after after the election . When I was already feeling rocked with emotion . When I was feeling low and defeated . I picked up the phone and called Liz . As soon as I heard her voice , it was like the years melted away . I told her my " news " , we cried on the phone , she canceled her plans for that Sunday , and we ventured to Jen 's house . For food , and laughter , and memories , and crying - deep , heart wrenching sobbing . But it was good . Really good . So today , Liz came for lunch . We picked up where we left off when Sarah and her daughter , Olivia , were eight . No time has passed . We talked for hours , ate more delicious food , and talked about my ALS , but also our kids , and memories , and our parents , and all the things that have impact on your lives when you are in your late 40s . It was blissful ! And yes , we cried a bit . But honestly we would have done that with or without the ALS so all is good . I really treasured my time with her today and I wanted to let the world know ( or at least my blog world ) . A bit later in the day I went to see my therapist . Not a PT , but my talk therapist . I have been with her a long time . I would recommend everyone have a therapist . A good one . But I digress . We spoke about all the positive things going on in my life - the blog , my children 's book writing , my kids , Adam , my community , Robbinsville , Sharon School , the bracelet fundraiser . And some sad stuff too , but most of it was good . Really good . And before I knew it an hour had gone by . Wow ! I am a person who lives with ALS and spoke to my therapist for an hour about all the positive things in my life . That is really awesome . I 'm so blessed . I came home and went straight to the bathroom ( what else is new ) . As I sat on the toilet , the edge of my sweater got stuck under my thigh . I gave it a pull and proceeded to punch myself in the nose . I began to laugh hysterically , on the toilet , in the bathroom , by myself . Then I put my hand to my nose to see if it was bleeding , and it was just a little , which made my laugh even harder ! When I finally calmed down enough to finish up and come out of the bathroom , I realized that Adam was sitting close enough to hear me laughing in the bathroom to myself . I told him what happened and he giggled . Now that I am thinking about it , it is quite funny that Adam did not find it necessary to check on me as I was laughing in the bathroom . It must be an ordinary occurrence . We sat down to a delicious dinner made by a dear friend , Ean talking about swim and his grades , Gillian talking about her friends and school . We sat at the table longer than usual and enjoyed each other 's company . Then Gillian climbed into my lap and Adam took a picture of us doing this : And we laughed really hard . My cheeks hurt from all the laughter and happiness I felt today . The first month or so after my diagnosis , I focused a lot on preparing for the bad things that are / were going to happen to me . Now I feel like I am living . Just living . Living comes with good , bad , and ugly . But I am no longer focused on the icky stuff all the time . Liz had this little pearl of wisdom today that I am sure I will get wrong . It went something like this . . . No good can come from borrowing worry from the future . Posted by I know I already posted today but it is 11 : 50 pm and I am wide awake . This is a really bad time of night for me . Quiet , no distractions , my brain working overtime . Okay , did you love it ? ! I LOVED it ! I thought it was brilliant and so relevant . It was sent to me by my daugher , Sarah . She had just spent 6 1 / 2 hours as a passenger in the car of her friends who were driving back to Mount Holyoke . A trip that should have taken less than four hours . Lots and lots of traffic . When she got back to school , she was vegging out , came about this video and sent it to me . Upon watching it I sent her a response : You see , Sarah sent me this video and said those things just as I was falling into a very mopey , self pity moment . I felt ugly and kind of gross . Some of the things going on with my body are just plain gross . The ALS is just a f # @ ker and it was really pissing me off . I had just finished telling Adam how I am sad and feeling sorry for myself . And then , I watched this video . It completely changed my perspective . I have a family and friends who love me and I love back . I have a roof over my head , food on my table , and good health care . Yes , I have ALS but there are all these people out there who are fighting to eliminate / cure this disease . I have an ALS team who are helping me and my family . I have my bases covered . It was a fabulous weekend . Actually a fabulous week . I love having all my kids under one roof , and listening to the three of them bicker and interact the way they typically do . I heard a lot more laughing than I did arguing and that pleases me to no end . The older they get the more they get along . Its comforting . Thanksgiving dinner at my brother - in - law and sister - in - law 's house . Fri - giving here at our house . Family events filled with immediate and extended family , all related to us somehow , all getting along and loving each other and laughing . The bellowing of deep teenage boy voices was something new . All of them have grown up so much . Obviously my physical perspective has changed , but I found myself looking up a lot . Every one is so tall ! We ate such delicious food on Thanksgiving and again on Friday . It was important for me to have a family gathering at our home this year and the people who love me made Fri - giving happen . Tonight my three kids , along with some of their friends , will go off to the movies . I love that Ean is choosing to spend his birthday night with his sisters . Though there are four years between Sarah and Ean , somehow that gap is closing and they have some similar friends . It is lovely . My kids have each other . They will be okay . Tomorrow morning Sarah heads back to Massachusetts . I know she will be back for an extended stay in three weeks , but is is strange that I am already missing her ? I love listening to her stories about her new friends , her classes , and her life experiences . On Friday I tried to spend a little time listening to what she was telling others about her college experience , and I was pleased to see and hear that she is really happy . Sometimes I don 't know if she is just telling me what I want to hear . I guess every parent might feel that way at some point . I wanted to be able to set up for Fri - giving on my own . I wanted to take out paper products , and put things away , and set up by myself , like I used to . I always got so much joy from setting up for a family event . This time , I really needed the kids and Adam to help . No one complained , and everyone was helpful . I don 't mean to sound unappreciative . I am . Really . Here is what got me . You know how you have a thought in your head , and your body acts upon that thought . Me acting on that thought during ALS : Gillian can you please take out the fancy napkins . In the bottom drawer . Yes , in that drawer . In the back . Probably the whole package . Put them in the napkin holder . No , the one on the dining room table . Almost every single thing I want to do requires me telling someone , or give a direction . This morning I fell . I haven 't fallen in a long time . I tried to get out of bed too quickly and rolled right off the bed . Crashed my head into my nightstand and landed on my side . I called out for help and Sarah came running . I HATE when my kids see me in such a vulnerable state . Unfortunately they are getting used to it . Sarah was unable to get me up , so she went and got Adam . He is so sweet . Came in saying " honey bunny what happened ? " No panic , just reassurance . However , he could not get me up . So Sarah and Adam worked together and got me up . And it was difficult ! I have no leg strength so when they lifted me up I could not contribute to the process . My feet do not hold any traction . When they finally got me seated in my bed , I immediately could see the look of concern on Adam 's face , and then he said pretty much what I was thinking . " This is a problem if I can 't get you up by myself . " It upsets me so much when I see him defeated . He has been working so hard to be my rock , but I know that this is taking its toll on him . He wouldn 't be human if it didn 't . Later in the day as we were discussing the falling incident with my Mom , we were brainstorming some ways to help with the process of getting me off the floor if and when something like this happens again . As we were brainstorming , I realized that there is no reason we have to reinvent the wheel here . I will call my social worker at the ALS Association on Monday and see what others have done in this situation . I will see if they can send a PT to my home to help assess the situation . There are answers out there , we just have to find them . We are going to problem solve . I had a great week . But at this point in my life everything comes with challenges . I am working on seeing these challenges as accomplishments , as I talked about in my last blog post . But that won 't always be the case . Trying to take it easy on myself . Live to love . Love to live . Maybe because I have been writing about two hours every day . Maybe because I finished the rough copy of a children 's book I have been working on . The idea has been in my head almost ten years , and to finally have it written is an accomplishment . I have been thinking about the word accomplishment . It is really such a relative term . My memories on Facebook ( and otherwise ) often tell me that I used to feel accomplished by doing six loads of laundry , my report card comments , making a home cooked meal , and cleaning the house - all in one day ! Don 't get me wrong , that is definitely an accomplishment ! However my perspective and abilities have changed . Now I feel accomplished if I can get my sock on by myself in the morning , or pick up my dirty laundry and throw it into the laundry basket ( or even get it close ! ) . I am not sulking or complaining about this . Really , I am not . I think this is partly why I feel at peace . These things used to fall into the category of " things I have trouble doing " . Now they fall into the category of " small accomplishments " . I feel good when I can do these small things by myself . Its funny how just a little tweak of my thought process can change my whole outlook . So here is a list of some of my little accomplishments over the past few days : On another note ( but maybe the same ) , I have received such kind texts and messages from people ! Some of these people I haven 't spoken to in very long time , but the kind words and expressions of concern have been so thoughtful . Some have been suggestions of continued medical testing , how to get on drug trials , or just the sharing of beautiful memories and love . I really appreciate them all ! Relationships take time , and they are an accomplishment in themselves . I guess we really don 't look at them this way . I think I used to take some of my relationships for granted , putting other things like laundry and cleaning before connecting and loving . Relationships - family , children , friendships , lovers , spouses , community . Maybe there is a reason I have ALS . I mean it sucks and I would really prefer NOT to have it , but maybe it is part of my grand plan . ( do I believe in a grand plan ? ) Maybe in this time of anger and divisiveness , me having ALS is a way to bring people together and talk about love , kindness , and compassion . * * I just reread the last few sentences - boy am I full of myself ! Eh , keeping it there anyway . * * Last night I had a dream that I think was about my funeral . I know , kind of morbid . I say " I think " , because the dream was silent , and there wasn 't anything there that was identifying it as my funeral . I just kind of knew . I could see everything - a big room , lots of chairs , filled with all these people I know , some were laughing , some had tears in their eyes , some were holding hands and happily hugging the person next to them . It really wasn 't sad , but just comforting and peaceful . I didn 't wake up scared or upset or crying . It was actually kind of nice . It felt like a subdued party rather than a funeral . I like bringing people together , so maybe that was an indication of my final accomplishment . Posted by I have been thinking about my Grandma Bea lately . Sometimes when I am getting dressed in the morning , and I am pulling myself into a standing position from the edge of the bed with the assistance of my walker , I catch a glimpse of myself in Adam 's mirrored closet door . And I see Grandma Bea . I see her in my stance - the way she stood with her walker towards the end of her life . I see her walk in my walk - the way she walked slowly and deliberately with her walker , making sure not to fall or misstep . When I catch a glimpse of her in my current physical self , I am reminded of all the other things that she instilled in me . Grandma Bea was not my biological grandmother . She married my Grandpa Sol ( my father 's father ) soon after I was born . I never knew another grandmother , so the fact that we were not biologically connected really did not make a difference to me at all . It was not that I was unaware of that fact . In fact I was very much aware . I was named for my deceased grandmother ( Deborah / Debbie ) , and often heard wonderful stories from my aunts , parents , and cousins about how beloved she was . But for me , my grandma was Grandma Bea . Grandma Bea did not have any children of her own . She had a sister who had two sons and they both married and had children of their own . Her nieces and nephews kind of became her children and grandchildren . And us . Me , my brother Mike , and my cousins Marian , Alice , and Deb ( yes she too was named after Grandma Deborah / Debbie ) . We became her grandchildren and she thought of us as such . I don 't remember Grandma Bea being the stereo typical grandmother on most occasions . She was very tall , and when I was very young had this jet black beehive hairdo . Later on it was replaced by her natural gray hair . Either way she was always concerned that her hair looked good . It always seemed that she and my grandfather loved each other , but as a child I always had this feeling that my grandfather might have married her because he was lonely after Grandma Debbie died . Maybe that was from reading too many fairy tales . I was told when I was older that our family was less religious before Grandma Bea came into our lives . For example , we celebrated together for Passover , but didn 't have a seder and read from the Hagaddah until Grandma Bea came into our lives . Or we might have eaten big family meals for Rosh Hashanah , but until Grandma Bea came around we never went to synagogue . I think of Grandma Bea on every single Jewish holiday and every time I enter a synagogue . The reason I call it a synagogue is because that is what she grew up calling it . Even when my grandfather was still alive , she would always stay at our house during the Jewish holidays . From our house in Roosevelt she could walk to synagogue and she did not drive on the high holidays . It was our tradition that she and I would go earlier than the rest of our family . We would hold hands and walk up the hill on Homestead Lane and she would tell me stories about her father and mother , and going to synagogue with her family . Sometimes the stories would be the same as the ones she told me the following year , but I didn 't care . We would walk into synagogue and wish the regulars a " L ' shanah Tovah " . Grandma would check to make sure her bobby pin was holding her head covering in place . We would pick up our prayer books ( always the red book , never the gray ) and make our way to the right side of the seating area , where the women sat . Ours was an orthodox synagogue and the men and women sat separately . This always made me feel uncomfortable , but Grandma Bea seemed aWhen I was about eight years old , as we were leaving synagogue , I introduced Grandma Bea to a Roosevelt neighbor . She said , " oh , I can tell she is your Grandma , you look so much alike . " Somehow Grandma and I held it together until we were walking home and then we got hysterical . It then became the family joke that we looked alike . We always joked about it , but somehow it made me feel proud that someone thought I was like her . When I was twelve ( thirteen ? ) my grandfather died of a massive heart attack . I remember his funeral and being at my grandparents house for at least a part of all eight days of shiva . I remember that his passing coincided with Passover . I remember my father trying to encourage Grandma Bea to eat , and she slowly peeled a hard boiled egg at their big kitchen table . I remember all the aunts and uncles and cousins walking up the sidewalk to pay their respects . I remember sitting in the castle chair in their living room crying . I remember wondering if the death of my grandfather , who I loved dearly , would mean that Grandma Bea would no longer be my grandmother . Nothing could be further from the truth . Grandma Bea continued to be my grandmother . She continued to come stay with us for the high holidays and for as long as she could , walked with me to synagogue up the big hill on Homestead Lane . She continued to make silly faces , and pray without looking at the words in her prayer book . She continued to love us because we were her grandchildren . Equally as important is the fact that my father , mother , and Aunt Gail continued to care for her because we were her grandchildren . She wasn 't an easy person as she got older and her body started to give out on her . Sometimes she said unkind things , and made life a little complicated for others . But no one gave up on her , and I was in the room with her when she passed away . Ean 's middle name is Brett in her honor . When Grandma Bea moved into a nursing home and it came time to clean out the home that she shared with my grandfather in order to sell it , I remember one of us finding something very telling in my grandfather 's heavy dresser drawer . It was a pack of love notes - little square love notes . The were new and not written in . I imagined that my grandfather regularly filled one out and left it on my grandmother 's pillow , or by her cup of morning coffee . I felt ashamed for that impression I had as a young child that my grandfather married Grandma Bea just because he was lonely . I wanted to go back in time and hug both of my grandparents and tell them how important they were to me . A few days after cleaning out the house I went to Shabbat services at a different local synagogue . The prayers were now familiar enough to me to be able to look up from my prayer book as I prayed and sang along . I looked over at my friend 's sister and her Nanny . They were not blood related . It didn 't matter . It doesn 't matter . I realized that my ostomy bag was leaking . I S - L - O - W - L - Y made my way to the bathroom , and discover that my seal wasn 't working , and hadn 't been working for a while . It caused a major skin irritation . I removed my bag , my seal , took a shower , put all my stuff back on , and went back to bed at 2 : 46 am . 6 : 52 am . PISSED OFF AND CRYING I realized that my ostomy bag was leaking again . I made my way to the bathroom , and discovered that my seal was once again not working . I removed my bag , my seal , cleaned myself up , took extra time to reapply my stuff , and went back to bed at 7 : 37 am . At this point I really should have gotten up as I was scheduled to leave for my first ALS support group in a few hours . I became so anxious about my bag leaking , that I decided to take care of myself in a different way and just go back to sleep . The support group would have to support me another time . 11 : 14 am FEELING HOPEFUL Woke up . Yes , I was exhausted ! Realized the seal was holding and feeling happy . Made a call to see if the ostomy nurse was taking calls this weekend . Nope . Would have to wait until Monday . Ok . Got up and dressed and decided I should take advantage of the beautiful day and go for a " walk " . Got downstairs . Ate a bowl of cereal . Informed Gillian that she is now part of my plan . We were going to go for a " walk " . Adam would take Sonky on the leash . Gillian would push me in the wheelchair , and I would hold Jackson on the leash . Ean wanted no part of this adventure . The dogs and I were really excited and we were on our way . We started down the sidewalk through the carpet of beautiful yellow and orange leaves and . . . Gillian was unable to see the uneven sidewalk due to the leaves , and as she pushed the wheelchair forward over that spot , my body jerked forward right onto the sidewalk into the leaves . I landed on my side and immediately began to laugh . And laugh . And laugh . I 'm even laughing now as I recall the incident . The dogs began to crowd around me and kiss my face . And I laughed some more . Somehow Gillian got a hold of both dogs , and Adam started the attempt of getting me up . But I was laughing so hard that I was not helpful at all . Adam 's laughing , Gillian 's laughing , I 'm laughing and all the dogs want to do is get moving . 12 : 57 pm STILL LAUGHING Adam somehow manages to get me back into the wheelchair . He takes both dogs from Gillian and we decide Gillian wheeling me in the road would be a better choice for everyone involved . As we finally move forward , with me still laughing , we take in the beautiful weather , the gorgeous leaves , the excitement of our dogs , the familiarity of our neighborhood . Gillian begins to sing a very silly song and we laugh and love and enjoy our walk . 1 : 41 pm FEELING THANKFUL We make it home and I eat a little snack - left over spinach dip and crackers that my friend Marissa had brought over the night before . Still delicious . It makes me reflect on the friends that came over last night and their generosity of time , gifts , and love for our family . It brings tears to my eyes as I try to come up with the words that will reflect how appreciative I am for their friendship . Adam and I come up with a plan to get into Cheryl and Tom 's house for their pie celebration later that afternoon . We drive over to Cheryl and Tom 's house , and park in their driveway . I used to hesitate to park in people 's driveways , feeling like I was being presumptive to take that space . Now it has become more of a necessity as it gets me closer to my destination . Cheryl comes out to greet us and Adam and I execute our plan to have me use the walker to get into the house . Gillian , who got their a bit before us , instinctively comes out to help me . Tom and his friend come out to offer their assistance but quickly realize that their presence equals " too many cooks " , and quickly retreat back to their pie making , and to take some of the attention away from me . I so appreciate that . I successfully make it into the house , into a chair , and am able to hug some of my favorite people . I eat pie and drink apple cider and have conversation with new and old friends . It feels normal and comforting . After sitting for a long time my core muscles began to get very tired . I signal to Adam it is time to go home . I am a little disappointed in my endurance , as well as the fact that Danielle and Frank had just gotten there and I wouldn 't be able to visit with them longer . I say my goodbyes , tear up a little as I hug Michele , and start making my way out of the house . As we are leaving , Lisa and Tom are walking up . I haven 't seen Lisa in a very long time and was just a touch surprised that she knew of my diagnosis . They patiently waited as I made my way down the steps and Lisa gave me a hug . She looked lovely and happy and we did a little bit of catching up . I got into the car and Cheryl and I hugged one last time which resulted in me weeping . 4 : 30 pm FEELING REFLECTIVE Adam got me to the couch . I really needed a nap and to stretch out my body . I lay there for a while thinking about the last 24 hours and all that I had done and gone through in just a short time . I breathed in deeply in order to calm my body and start some meditation . I still held the scent of Lisa , the perfume that she wears , and that was reassuring to me . I meditated and fell asleep . I woke up to the sounds of Gillian leaving to go to dinner with a friend , Ean asking me if he can have spaghettios for dinner , and Adam preparing some food for anyone who wants it . Jackson was still sleeping above me on the top of the couch . Watching over me . It was very dark . I checked my phone messages and smiled because even before I opened my phone I knew one of the messages would be from my Mom . I made sure my ostomy seal was still intact ( yes ! ) , and I began to hear the wind kick up outside . I remembered that Adam Joseph said it was going to be cold and nasty and I was grateful that I got outside today a bit to enjoy the beautiful weather . Every once in a while I still forget . I forget that I can 't get up from the chair myself , or I need help to put on my jacket . So I go to get up and I immediately plop back down . I begin to cry . And then I remember how I dropped the hummus lid in my kitchen last night , and one of my mother in law 's lead crystal wine glasses ( it shattered ) , and how my lady village helped me to clean it up . They came to my rescue without question or discussion and that made me cry some more . I guess because I love them and I am so appreciative of the help , but I am frustrated that I can 't do all these things myself . I call to Adam to help me get up . He comes to get me and I notice he and Ean are watched Newsroom together and having discussions about the show . Then they turn on college football and they talk about plays and players and stats the way Adam and his father used to . It makes me happy and feels familiar . Soon Gillian will come home , and on Tuesday Sarah will be back for a few days . I live for these moments and will do my best to bask in the love . Let me apologize for my last blog post . Boy , what a downer ! I know I don 't really have to apologize because my blog is MY blog and I get to say and write what I want , but I reread it yesterday and I thought people must think that I sit at home and only think sad things and feel sorry for myself . It is actually quite a mixture - a mish - mash of feelings . I can feel sorry for myself in one minute and then be laughing at myself the next . Let 's talk about laughing . One of the effects of ALS is the inability to control my emotions , specifically laughter and crying . So I no longer can giggle a bit , I laugh with gusto . And I no longer just tear up , I sob uncontrollably . It is so weird . I was told I can take a medicine for this if I would like , but right now you all are just going to have to deal with it . Honestly the crying part isn 't much different . I have always been a big crier . I feel like you know that and I have said that more than once . This morning was a perfect example . Adam and I were doing my stretches . I find that to be a bit depressing actually because I am not supposed to move the muscles myself - I am supposed to be passive . ( By the way I now HATE that word - passive . Need to come up with something different ) So I am laying there feeling pretty shitty and sorry for myself , when my stoma ( her name is Consuela ) starts to make noise . It makes noise every once in a while , but this morning it sounded like it was singing . And that made me laugh . So my mood was saved by the singing Consuela . In my last blog I listed sad things . Today I am going to list things that make me happy . This is my card container . In it I have stuffed all the cards and letters I have received over the past ten months or so . I say " stuffed " because there really is no more room . It is filled with well wishes and beautiful thoughts . It is filled with complex messages and simple expressions . They are all so very important to me , every one of them . Sometimes when I am feeling low , I pull a few out and reread them . Most of the time I just have to look over at the container and feel happy . It makes me happy when I am resting on the couch and my kids come up and just start talking to me . We talk about nothing in particular , but it is comforting to feel them treating me the same . It makes me happy when Adam is helping me with something like standing me up or taking off my socks , and he leans over and steals a kiss . It makes me happy to know that my friends still want to see me . It makes me happy that Sarah will be home in eight days and I will get to hug her and squeeze her ! It makes me happy to have my parents around to hang out with . I love spending time with them . But it also makes me happy that they can go back to Florida to take care of themselves . They need to do that . I ordered a power wheelchair . It isn 't a regular power wheelchair , but one that is specialized to my upcoming needs . It tilts back , and has a head rest . Hopefully the insurance company will approve and pay for the component that raises me up and down . It will take three months . We ordered a stair lift . I will be able to sit in the chair and it will bring me up and down the stairs . I am going to need to remind Ean that this isn 't a toy . I will be able to use it until I have no more strength in my core to sit upright by myself . Then I will have to set up a bed downstairs . I now have to do passive stretching which means Adam or my Mom , or whomever else I can get on board , needs to stretch my legs , feet , hands , and arms for me using a series of set exercises . I am not to use my muscles . I need to conserve strength . I met with my neurologist ( love her ! ) and we spoke about all sorts of things . Weakness , eating chocolate , new meds , how the older meds are working , blood work , what it will feel like when I start losing my respiratory control , whether or not I should have the last part of my gastrointestinal surgery ( leaning toward yes ) . This is where I learned no more steps without supervision . The one thing she couldn 't tell me is how my disease will progress and how long I have to live . I asked the question but she couldn 't tell me . Do I really want to know ? Yes . Today I say yes . On Thursday I wanted to know . Other days I don 't . It doesn 't really matter . There is no way to know . I met with the research nurse . ( Is that what she was called ? ) We talked about the availability of drug trials , the best way to get on them , how not having a colon might deter me from getting on one , that there is one coming up in February / March that I might be a candidate for , the ones in Israel are full , how to apply for stem cell research trials . She was extremely helpful . I met with the physical therapist and occupational therapist . They did some evaluations . Most telling for me was how little control I have of my core muscles . We spoke about how to make accommodations for the disabilities I have now and how to accommodate for the ones coming up . This is where I learned about no more pushing the wheelchair . They showed me a variety of gadgets . I took home tubing to put on a pen , a fork . I am pretty close to needing those . I took home something to help me open and close buttons on my clothing . Don 't need that yet . I took home elastic shoe laces . Maybe . We talked about the lack of circulation in my feet ( from sitting too much but that can 't be helped ) . We talked about how I am coming to the point where I don 't really need to wear my MOFO ( right foot brace ) much longer because I am doing a very limited amount of walking , but for right now it is still okay . After the appointment Adam , my parents , and I went to lunch . We talked about the overwhelming sadness I feel because this day a little more of my independence was taken away . I like doing things by myself . There are an enormous amount of things that I like doing that I can 't do anymore . This makes me sad . And I cried about it . I cried that day , and that night , and I probably will continue to cry about it . On November 19th I am scheduled to go to my first ALS support group . I think I want to go . I am going . I am a little afraid . I am going to meets PALS ( people with ALS ) who are farther along in the disease than I am . Will that scare and depress me ? Will it inspire me to keep moving forward , or push me back ? Will it be helpful to meet with people who are going through the same thing I am going through ? I think it will . I am going . This week I started praying . Everyday . I didn 't used to do that . Not really for me , but for my kids . I want them to have strength and be okay . I want them to live normal lives and do normal things and be happy . This week has been hard for them . They are scared about the climate we live in . They have a mother who is ill . I have always fought for them . I might not be around to continue to fight for them . They have a father and a large extended family and a beautiful village that will fight for them . And I hope all my lessons that I have taught them are ingrained in them and they are ready to fight for themselves . This week a friend brought me holy water . I keep looking at it , touching the container . In complete disbelief that he would give me his holy water . This week I mourned the loss of two amazing women . Honored to have known them . Adam and I just got back from food shopping . First syllable rhymes with " beg " , second syllable is the singular of " mens " . I love this store . Even though they are in the midst of the longest remodeling in the history of mankind and everything is in a different place every time I go there , I still love shopping there . This week I was told that I should try to preserve as much arm strength as possible by NOT pushing myself in the manual wheelchair anymore . That in itself will be another blog post , but relevant to this story . So in an attempt to be able to shop with Adam and be as independent as possible we decided that we would park in a handicapped spot , and Adam would go into the store and get me an electric wheelchair . We got to the parking lot and there were no handicapped spots available . It was like every handicapped person in Mercer County decided to go food shopping today . After a few minutes we finally found one , in front of the empty store next door . It was quite a distance from where Adam had to retrieve the chair , but there was no choice . So we parked , Adam left the car , and I waited . And waited . And waited a bit more until I could see him from a distance coming toward me on the cart going about as slow as a tortoise . He finally got to me , the two of us laughing at the silliness of it all . I transferred from the car to the cart , and off we went . About six feet . And it stopped . It just stopped . We saw it still had power . We turned it off . We turned it on . We tried again . Adam tried giving it a push . It was stubborn , would not move . I actually think I heard it laugh at us . So Adam started the long trek back into the store to retrieve another chair . And I waited . However , I need to explain to you where I was waiting - where the chair stopped . Right on the edge of the road , so it looked like I was waiting to cross the road . So every single person who was driving by stopped , thinking I was waiting to cross the road . And really I was , but I was stuck . So I had to wave them all along . Some people didn 't understand that I was waving them along , but rather they thought I was being polite and letting them go first . And we had that arm motion argument you sometimes have with other people , you know the one that translates into " you go " , " no you go " . So they had to roll down their window to hear me say , " no you go , I 'm stuck . " ASo I waited . And pretty soon , out comes Adam again , moving as slow as a tortoise , in another chair . By this time I am doubled over laughing out loud . The people walking by who couldn 't see Adam in the far distance were looking at me like I had lost my mind . Adam finally got to me , we made the difficult transition of getting me on the other chair , and we were finally on our way . Off we went . This time we got about twelve feet before I could see that the light was blinking . We were low on power . Off we went . By this time I was starving . I had slept late , didn 't have breakfast , so we decided to go to their delicious cafe and have some pizza and drinks ( I could have used a gin and tonic , but settled for raspberry iced tea ) . After paying for our food , the elevator door opens to bring us upstairs to the seating area . I moved the chair forward into the elevator - CRASH . Hmm . Didn 't feel like it was going to fit . Backed up , did some fancy moves and turns and barely fit in - as the power died . Yes the power died as I finally fit the chair in the elevator . This weekend Ean , Adam , and I went to Delaware for a baseball tournament . I absolutely love watching Ean play baseball . He is more focused on the field than anywhere else in his life . I love watching him know where the ball goes when he fields it , and I love listening to him and Adam recap the game , discussing pitches and plays , defense and missed opportunities . I especially love watching him pitch . It wasn 't always that way . When he was younger , and he was just starting out as a pitcher , I would find a tree to stand behind because I couldn 't watch . It was so nerve - wracking ! At eight or nine years old , so much is riding on the ability of the pitcher . Would he be be able to stand the pressure ? Would the batter hit the ball back at him and hurt him ? Sometimes , like any pitcher , he would mistakenly hit a batter . The expression on his face was always of concern , like he wanted to approach the kid and say " I am so sorry , are you okay ? " But the baseball player in him would just stand there and watch . It was always like he was torn between doing the baseball thing and the human thing . Now I don 't hide behind the tree anymore . Ean is a much more proficient pitcher , and I am much more confident in his abilities . I am getting used to his rhythm , the way he pitches fast balls , and I can often tell when a slider or curve ball are coming . Those days that he pitches are the days that he talks the least after a game . Its like he is going over it all again in his head , and his modesty often prevents him from discussing his accomplishments . I try to get to as many games as I can . This weekend was his last tournament of the season and we got lucky because the weather was sunny and very tolerable . Adam and I wrapped up in our team sweatshirts and I put a blanket in my lap , and we were good to go . I recognize having me go to Ean 's games are a lot of work for Adam . He has to look out for me as well as himself and Ean . We always have to make sure there is a path for him to push the wheelchair , make sure I can see the field yet stay awLet 's talk about bathrooms for a minute . Not all handicapped stalls are created equal . When I am out and about I need to be able to get into the bathroom by myself . This is not always easy . The doors to the actual bathroom are often very heavy . Sometimes I can push the door open with my wheelchair , but more often than not I need someone to open the door for me . When I get into the bathroom , I need access to the handicapped stall . When you put the garbage can on the outside of the handicapped stall and I can 't get the door open enough to get my wheelchair in , then the stall is not handicapped accessible . So I get into the stall . In the best of handicapped stalls I find that a wise person has put a handle on the inside of the door at wheelchair height . That way once I get my wheelchair in I can pull the door closed independently . If there is no handle , I am often fighting with the door to close it . I move forward in my wheelchair to pull the bottom of the door , and my wheelchair pushes the door open . I back up and I can 't reach the door . Okay , so the door is finally closed and locked . If there are no grab bars to help me get up and get on and off the toilet , the stall is not handicapped accessible . I have to say that most of the bathrooms I have been in have good bars ( grab bars , not those for drinking , though that might be an interesting addition , though maybe that should be another blog post ) . This weekend the handicapped stall at the baseball field sucked . Yup , it was awful . No grab bars and there was this funky ledge in the doorway of the bathroom that made it impossible for me to get in and out of the bathroom myself . Adam had to get me in and out ( sorry ladies ) . And I used the toilet paper dispenser as a grab bar . Didn 't break it though , but I got close a few times . With all of this discussion about handicapped accessible bathrooms , I must say that women rock ! There has never been a time I have been in a public bathroom where a woman hasn 't offered to help me . Okay , I admit when I first started going into theDeb Dauer The Post that is not about ALS The day before Sarah 's second birthday party she hit the back of her head against the glass shelf at the Gymboree in Market Fair . The accident resulted in a trip to the ER , where she received a few stitches . Most of that experience was probably way more traumatic for me than her . The next day , at her party , she regaled the guests ( which were mostly grown - ups ) about the story of her getting stitches . She told about falling off the stroller , the blood on her head , the drive to the ER , how she had to lie on her belly and be put in a papoose , and then how she got a lollipop . I knew at that time that Sarah was going to be a writer . Margaret Wise Brown , author of the most popular children 's book Goodnight Moon , also wrote a book called Big Red Barn . Though Goodnight Moon was quite a hit in our house when my kid 's were little , it was Big Red Barn that was Sarah 's favorite . Sarah was a little over two years old , I was hugely pregnant with Gillian , and we would often sit in the glider in her bedroom . We would read this book every night . And when I say " we " I mean me , and also Sarah . She was " reading " along with that book from a very early age . But more important than her memorizing or " reading " the book , was the questioning that she did about the characters and the setting , how the book was put together , and why did this lady do the pictures and the words but some books there were two separate people who did that job . Yes , she was a very precocious two year old . Yes , she was a genius ( aren 't they all ? ) . Me : " By the big red barn , in the great green field , there was a pink pig who was learning to squeal . . . " And so our book reading went . { I don 't remember if it was these exact words , but I remember the flying horse to be pretty accurate ) . I knew at that time that Sarah was going to be a writer . As she grew , and started to " write " her own stories , Sarah was not satisfied with just scribbling what she thought were words and drawing coinciding pictures . Every time an adult or older child entered our home , she would insist that they staple together a book of paper and transcribe her words . Sometimes she would draw the pictures , sometimes she would get Grandma to do it , but mostly she liked having her little collection of her books on her shelf and she would often ask me to reread them to her . I knew at that time that Sarah was going to be a writer . The years flew by and many times I would walk into Sarah 's room and find her in bed writing . She would often ask me to buy her notebooks from the dollar store . One time we were working together to " organize " her room , and I got a good look at her bookshelf . And there among the Freddy the Hamster books , were her notebooks , filled with stories and poems , descriptions of settings , family trees , and story outlines . I had never really kept track of how much she was writing . I knew at that time that Sarah was going to be a writer . Looking on Sarah 's desk one evening I saw a gift bag filled with little slips of paper . Teeny tiny slips of paper with teeny tiny words on them . When I inquired about the bag , she revealed that each paper had a name on it . A possible character for a future short story , novel , or play . Now she is in college . Her writing has been published - short stories and poetry . She has been blogging for years - some of it for just herself , some of it to share with others . She is finding a community of writers within the walls of her new college community . I am not sharing this on my blog to merely brag about my daughter ( I confide that that is definitely part of it ) , but also to emphasize that I feel that it is imperative for people to do what they love . We have a limited amount of time on this earth ( okay this part is a little about ALS ) , and why should we waste it doing things that don 't make us happy . I am THRILLED that Sarah is finding herself through her writing . Make space on your bookshelves my friends . She is on her way . I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis when I was 16 or 17 years old . I remember going to the gastroenterology department at CHOP . I would always take the trip with my Mom , sometime by train , sometimes by car . There was a McDonalds in the lobby of the hospital . We didn 't eat a lot of fast food when I was younger , but we got to eat there after my doctor 's appointments . Being a heterosexual teenager , I was more than interested in boys . Ulcerative Colitis was a disease of embarrassment . At CHOP there were a lot of residents , and I remember being absolutely mortified when the residents came in to observe some of my not - so - attractive testing , and listening to my answers about bowel movements . It was kind of a dark time . As I got older I saw a gastroenterologist in Red Bank . I don 't remember much about him other than I felt like it took forever to get to his office , and his office was in an old victorian house . I always thought that house should be filled with family not medical equipment . Then I began seeing another in Princeton . I saw him for many years , but there was a point when I decided I needed another opinion . And that is when I found Dr . Baig and Susan . I say Dr . Baig and Susan , because in terms of my care they go together like peanut butter and jelly . Yes Dr . Baig was my gastroenterologist , but Susan was my first point of contact . She is his nurse - a great organizer , knew my story from the beginning , always gave me a hug when I came in . Both she and Dr . Baig asked about my family . I always found Dr . Baig to be an exceptional doctor because he was an exceptional listener . He always listened to my opinions , heard me out on things I found on the internet , and made me feel like an important part of my care . Our oldest daughters are the same age and they went through the college search process at the same time . At this time I was pretty ill , so I saw Dr . Baig often and we would often compare notes . I saw Dr . Baig for more years than I can remember , and when we got to the point when he knew I needed different care , he recommended a Penn doctor . I haven 't seen him in a while . Yesterday my phone rang , and it was Dr . Baig . He had heard of my ALS diagnosis and was calling to tell me he was thinking about me and praying for me . This kind , gentle , very busy man , who is not even my doctor anymore , took the time to call me . I was so moved , and still can not believe he did that . I spend a lot of time thinking about how my ALS diagnosis affects me and those friends and family that are closest to me . I am thinking more these days about how this diagnosis affects the people on the edge of the puzzle . These people have a different relationship with me than those who live with me or see me every day . It affects everyone in the puzzle , not because of who I am , but because a disease like ALS has such a devastating effect . And if it has an affect on everyone in my puzzle , does it also have an affect on the people who are not in my puzzle ? Like the lady in the diner who asked me why I was in a wheelchair and I said I am a person with ALS . Or the little girl in Target who reached out to touch the bright pink wheelchair because she thought it was pretty . Like the man in Wegmans who stopped to ask me questions about my brace and where I had it made , because mine looked so much more comfortable than his ( he also liked the butterflies ) . Or the woman in the parking lot who looked at me with such sadness and curiosity that I wanted to comfort her and tell her she won 't end up like me . ALS has an effect even on those people . I have decided that even though that is sad , in a way it is good . It is keeping this disease , or at least disability , in the public eye . It might not be in the forefront of someone 's mind , but seeing me out and about , living my life with ALS , might trigger compassion or curiosity that leads to goodness or a cure . * * * I thank Dr . Baig and Susan for being such an important piece to my puzzle . * * * Disclaimer - I have no idea if I am using " effect " and " affect " correctly . Posted by Had a dream last night that the kids were little and we were playing this game that we used to play . We would run around the house - through the kitchen , into the dining room , through the living room , into the foyer , and back around into the kitchen . And if we got far enough ahead of another we would hide in the doorway of the basement and scare the next person coming around the circle . And we would laugh and scream and start again . It was so much fun . I miss those days . I will never play that game again . Nothing is done with ease : I still do these things . They are not done with ease , but with effort . They are not done with comfort or familiarity , but with conscious and deliberate movements . Today I am tired and cranky and riddled with self pity . I will not apologize for my mood or my words . I want another chance . Posted by

1 . One of the most important changes in my life was when I admitted to myself that I 'm depressed . It wasn 't easy to admit such a thing to myself but I 'm much better now that I 've reached out for help . I 'm seeing a psychologist and taking anti - depressants and I 'm slowly getting better . I would like to say thank you to Mr . Starlight because you 've been so sweet , patient and considerate in the past year . I don 't know what I would do without your help and I know that I 've said thank you a million times but I will never be able to do for you what you 've done for me . Thank you darling , I love you so much . 2 . The scariest moment this year was when my little sister Pia sent me a text message saying that my other sister Klara is in the hospital because she badly hurt herself . My world stopped for a moment . I called my Mom and she didn 't pick up so I called Pia and asked her what 's going on and if Klara is going to be ok . She told me that Klara fell from a 5 meter ( approx . 16 feet ) ledge and landed on her head . . Mr . Starlight and I immediately drove to the hospital and when I walked into Klaras room I was shocked . I couldn 't say anything because I could barely stop myself from crying . She had a swollen eye and she could barely open it . She also had a wound on her forehead and smaller bruises and it looked very badly . She smiled when I came to her bedside and I hugged her happily knowing that she 'll be alright . 3 . In July Mr . Starlight and I went on a road trip around the Europe for a month . We drove through Switzerland , Lichtenstein , France , Luxembourg , The Netherlands , Belgium , United Kingdom ( ok , we only visited London but we were in The UK , that counts , right ? ) , Italy and Monaco . It was the best road trip ever and we had so much fun . I could write a lot more about this but it would turn out to be a post about the road trip , so I 'll stop here . 4 . Because of my depression I had problems with my studies and I thought I won 't pass my second year . It was really rough two months for me but Mr . Starlight and his mother was telling me I can do it all the time . They really helped me and believed in me when even I didn 't and I 'm really grateful for that . With their encouragement and a lot of studying I 'm now in my third year of studies . 5 . In October I started writing my blog . I had problems sleeping and one night at about 2 am I wrote my first blog post I 'm a virgin . Since then I 'm regularly writing about all sorts of things and I think this also helps me cope with my depression . A few people are regularly reading and commenting on my blog which I really appreciate . It 's nice to know that someone is interested in my writing and it keeps me doing it . A huge thanks to all of you out there who read my posts and leave me comments . I 'm really grateful for this and it means so much to me . This is another post from Jennys point of view . I 'm early again , as usual . In these days most people are always in a hurry and late which I really hate . I 'm sure Nancy and Tina will come 5 minutes early , they always do and I really respect them for it . They 're not like Emma who 's always late . I really wish she would be here , I love planning events with her . " Hey darling , we 're not late , are we ? " Nancy is always so well spoken . She and Tina come in a package . They 've been best friends since primary school and they are soul mates . They complete each others sentences , smile together and cry together . I 'm a bit jealous of them because it 's not like this with me and Emma . I would love to cry with her but she always shuts me out . " Where 's Emma ? Should we wait for her ? " Tina is the one who probably understands Emma much better than I do . She had also lost a baby but she dealt with it much better than Emma did . I really admire her , she is so strong . " No , Emma is not coming . I though you knew . Tim and her are spending their holidays in Seychelles . I thought she told you . " Though I 'm not surprised she didn 't . She wouldn 't tell me if I wouldn 't call her yesterday . The waitress comes and we order a bottle of wine . This is our tradition when we meet for lunch . " Oh , how nice . I 'm sure they 'll have a wonderful time there . " Said Nancy . It 's obvious that she doesn 't have a clue about what 's going on with Emma . She 's a brilliant actress I have to give her that . Should I tell Nancy and Tina what 's going on with Emma ? Maybe they would have an idea how to help her . " She 's looking forward to this trip . She really needs a vacation since she 's working all the time . " It 's better to wait and tell them later , after the party . I don 't want to ruin the New Years Eve for them . " Well , that 's wonderful . She 's been very busy lately , yes , she didn 't answer the phone or return any of my calls . Is there anything wrong with her ? " Tina is an excellent observer . But I still don 't want them to worry because they can 't help Emma in the next few weeks . I 'll tell them later . " No , there 's nothing wrong with her , not that I would know . " I hate lying to them but I think it 's the best I can do at this moment . The waitress brings the wine and pours it into our glasses . I take a long sip . It 's really good wine , I should buy a bottle to take home since I 'm spending the evening alone . Again . " Jen , my mom is divorcing her third husband and she wants to hire you to re - decorate her house . She said she 'll call you soon . " I didn 't know she 's divorcing again . She hired me when her first husband , Tina 's father , died because she wanted to move on and she didn 't want the furniture to remain the same . She did the same thing when she divorced her second husband and it seems that she 's doing the same now which is good for me . No one has hired me for two months now . " I would love to help her out . How is she doing ? " I 'm not surprised that Tina doesn 't care so much about her mother 's divorce . She never approved of her mother getting re - married and she never liked her second or third husband . " She 's ok . She just wants to get rid of the things that remind her of him . " I understand her mother . I re - decorated our apartment when I figured out that Mark 's cheating on me . But I didn 't accomplish anything . He 's still doing it and I want to get rid of the new furniture because it reminds me of him cheating on me . Maybe , I should get rid of him . " I have better news . " Says Nancy . " We 're trying to get pregnant . " This is not a surprise . Nancy and Jim have a perfect life . I smile . It 's a fake smile though ; I don 't want them to know how unhappy I am . I didn 't tell anyone about Marks affair because I don 't want their pity . I 'm really happy for her but I want to have a perfect husband and a perfect marriage too . I want to have a child but I don 't want to have a child with my cheating husband . Avtor A very talented and sweet blogger Christine passed the award to me and I didn 't even notice that I 'm one of the five bloggers she had chosen so she sent me an email asking if I noticed I won the award ( I 'm very busy studying ) . Isn 't that really sweet of her ? Do check out her blog . 1 . I talk in my sleep . And not just talk … I have long conversations , sometimes with myself and sometimes with Mr . Starlight . A couple of nights ago I was talking to myself in English ( or so I was told ) and this is a bit weird since my mother tongue is Slovenian . 2 . I love cactuses . I used to collect them but then I moved away from home and now I don 't have any idea where my collection is . I 'm sad because of it but I don 't have space in my small apartment for all those cactuses and I always forget to ask my Mum where they are . 3 . I 'm a huge Formula 1 fan . I 've watched it every Sunday after lunch with my Dad and we had always fought about it since we never supported the same driver or team . I still watch it and I 'm really happy that Mr . Starlight is also a fan since less and less people enjoy watching this wonderful motorsport . 4 . I own a BlackBerry Curve 8900 ( random , ha ? ) . I really wanted one and I got it for my birthday in March . I still love it as much as I did it when I got it ( this is very unusual for me since i get bored with every phone in a couple of weeks ) . 5 . I " ran over " a motorcyclist once . Well actually he hit me . . . I cut him of in a T - junction and he crashed into me . The police said it was my fault , because I cut him off , but he was driving way over the speed limit and I didn 't see him , because he was coming around a corner really fast and by the time he was in my eyesight it was too late , so I really think it was actually his fault . I had to go in front of a judge , and I got 60 hours of community service . I hate motorcyclists since then . This was a really hard task ( believe it or not , I was writing this for about 45 minutes ) . But now I have an even harder task to do , following the tradition : Choosing five ( just five ! ! ) bloggers to pass the award to . There are so many excellent writers on my reading list and I would love to pass the award to all of them . But I have to choose just five . So here they are : Dear reader , this " chapter " is from Jennys ( Emmas best friend ) point of view . I 've decided to try and write it from another point of view and I hope you 'll like it . Please do tell me what you think about it ; as always - constructive criticism is very welcome . Mark 's calling me , should I answer ? I 'm sure he 's calling to inform me that he 'll be late tonight . I should answer maybe something 's wrong . " Hello . " I 'm trying to sound as normal as I can ; I don 't want him to know how much he 's hurting me . " Hey honey I 'm just calling to tell you that I won 't make it to dinner tonight . I 'm really sorry but I have so much work to do . This new project we 're working on is very complicated and time consuming . " Honey ? ? ? Seriously , he has the guts to call me honey ? I can 't believe it . And I 've been listening to this same excuse for months now , he should make up a new one . Does he really think I believe him ? I did for the first couple of times he said he was working late . But I don 't anymore , I 'm not stupid . " Ok . " I hang up . I really don 't know what he expects me to say . I don 't want to think about this . I want to forget about it and put it aside . I have to distract myself . We really should make plans for New Years party , we 're really late this year . I hope that I 'll be able to involve Emma ; I 'm really worried about her . She 's been avoiding me and I think that she 's avoiding everyone . It seems her problems are coming back and I would like to help her but I don 't want to be pushy . I 'm calling her and I hope she 'll pick up . She hung up . That 's nothing new ; I could expect this from her ; she wasn 't answering my calls for a couple of weeks and I had to call Tim to ask him what 's going on with her . He told me what I already knew ; she 's having another episode of depression . She 's calling back , that 's a victory . " Hey Jen , what 's up ? " She sounds much better than the last time I had spoken to her . It actually seems to me like she 's in a pretty good mood . Is she on anti - depressants again ? I hope she is because I don 't see any other way for her to get better ; I would like to help her but I don 't know how to approach her . It 's like I 'm talking to a stranger , not my best friend . " Tomorrow at 4p . m . , the usual place . No excuses , we 're making plans for a New Years party . " This sounded a bit harsh . I manage to use the wrong words every time I talk to her . I 'm so nervous because I 'm trying to say the right thing , I 'm trying to show her that I 'm here and that I want to help . But it always comes out wrong . " Jen , I 'm really sorry but I won 't make it . I have tons of things on my to do list because we 're leaving on Thursday . We 've decided to spend the holidays in Seychelles . " That 's a good decision , I 'm really happy for her ; I would love to go somewhere warm too . Maybe some time off would be an opportunity to save my marriage . I don 't know if I want to save it though . Mark 's been cheating on me for quite some time now and he 's really bad at hiding it . " You didn 't say anything . I 'm surprised . Well it 's wonderful that you 're going over there , I 'm sure you 'll love it . It 's wonderful and warm . I have to admit that I 'm a bit disappointed though . I expected to spend the New Years Eve with you , just like for the last eight years . " I shouldn 't say I 'm disappointed although I am . I would like to talk to her and tell her about my problems ; tell her how lonely I am and how much I miss our endless conversations . But I 'm in no position to complain to her ; she 's in a much worse situation than I . " I 'm sorry . I 'm sure you won 't miss us and it 'll be a wonderful party . I have to go now I 'm meeting Tim and I just noticed how late I am . Bye . " It 'll be a wonderful party or at least we 'll pretend it is . Mark and I became very good at pretending and the others will try to avoid any awkwardness . Maybe I should also pack my things and go away for a while ; I would love to but I don 't have any money to do it . My business isn 't going so well . We would be flat broke if Mark wouldn 't earn so much . I could take money from our joint bank account ; if he 's cheating on me I can at least enjoy his money . Avtor My phone rings . It 's Jenny . I should go talk to her outside ; I don 't like to talk on the phone when I 'm in the bookshop because I hate it when people have their conversations while I 'm trying to buy some books . I reject the call and go outside ; I 'm sure she won 't mind I hung up on her . And maybe I could buy a book for her too . So many gifts to buy yet so little time . Its the 17th of December today and we 're leaving on the 23d , and I haven 't even done my Christmas shopping list yet . I really have to do the list today and the shopping tomorrow . " Hey Jen , what 's up ? " I 'm already outside and I call her back . I could ask her what she wants for her Christmas present . Or … that 's a great idea … I could buy presents in Seychelles . " Tomorrow at 4p . m . , the usual place . No excuses , we 're making plans for a new year party . " Of course , I forgot to tell Jenny about Seychelles . I hope she 'll take it better than my Mom did . She really hated the idea of me being away for the holiday season though I can 't see the reason why . " Jen , I 'm really sorry but I won 't make it . I have tons of things on my to do list because we 're leaving on Thursday . We 've decided to spend the holidays in Seychelles . " I 'm sure she 'll be disappointed but she 's not the control freak me or my Mom are , so it won 't completely destroy her plans . " You didn 't say anything . I 'm surprised . Well it 's wonderful that you 're going over there , I 'm sure you 'll love it . It 's wonderful and warm . I have to admit that I 'm a bit disappointed though . I expected to spend the New Years Eve with you , just like for the last eight years . " She really is disappointed but I can 't stay here just because she wants me to . I want to get away . That 's all I know right now . " I 'm sorry . I 'm sure you won 't miss us and it 'll be a wonderful party . I have to go now I 'm meeting Tim and I just noticed how late I am . Bye . " I hang up and hurry . We 're meeting at a restaurant two blocks away and then I have to go back to the bookshop and find that damn book . Luckily I saw Tim reading a review of some book on architecture a couple of days ago . He was quite excited about it and I have to find it . What else could I buy for him ? I really have no idea , he has everything . I come to the restaurant and I notice you in a second . I can 't miss your blonde hair and slim figure which stand out in the crowd . I hope didn 't wait for me for too long . But you know me , you know how easily distracted I am and how often I forget about the time . " I 'm sorry I 'm late again . " You hear this every time we 're meeting somewhere . You don 't seem upset ; in fact it seems to me that you 're in a very good mood . I hope you didn 't buy that book . You 're like a small child ; you get so happy and enthusiastic when you get a new book . Though children nowadays don 't get excited about books , it 's usually about computers and videogames . " I didn 't expect you to be here on the time . " You 're smiling and making jokes . What are you hiding ? I 'm sure you 're planning something I won 't like . The waiter comes and we order . " Phil is getting married . He proposed to Melinda yesterday . " Who is Phil ? Is he one of your co - workers ? I always forget the names of people you work with and that 's one thing you get upset about sometimes . I can 't help myself , I forget the names an " Phil is the one with the orange hair , right ? " I 'm very careful when asking this ; I really don 't want to upset you . You nod . Uh , that 's a relief . Luckily I 'm a good guesser . " I thought they met at the Christmas party last year . Did I mistake them with someone else ? " I 'm sure they 're the ones ; I remember this because they met at the Christmas party and by New Years they had already moved in together . I remember saying that they 'll last for a couple of months only . But it looks like I was wrong . " They seem happy together . What do you think about marriage ? " Are you joking ? Is this a proposal ? No , you 're probably just asking me what I think about their engagement . " I think it 's a bit quick , don 't you think ? They 've been together for less than a year . " Don 't you think it 's too early ? You 're a very reasonable person and usually you try to convince your friends not to do stupid things . " I was asking you what do you think about marriage not what do you think about them getting married . " You smile . " Are you proposing ? " Don 't say yes , please . I don 't want to say no to you , but I can 't say yes either . Something 's missing , I don 't feel complete . I know what 's missing . I go to the kitchen and boil the water . Meanwhile I fill the strainer with little brown bits . Two spoons are enough for the perfect taste . The water is boiled . I take my favourite blue cup from the shelf and put the strainer in . I pour the water into the cup . I wait for 8 minutes before I take the strainer out . Two spoons of brown sugar and a little bit of milk . Perfect . I sit down with my favourite Choco power tea and nothing is missing . I feel complete . Avtor " Well , let 's go to a restaurant and we 'll both have one . " I 'm always hungry and you don 't have to ask me twice if I want to eat . I 'm saying yes even before you 've finished asking me . " Why not ? It 's not an expensive restaurant , I don 't have enough money to go to a fancy restaurant either . " We 're both students and we can 't afford to eat in expensive fancy restaurants even though we would love to . She looked at me with an even sadder face and said : " No , it 's not that . I 'm on a diet . " Well that 's a whole different story … I have an opinion about diets and I would like to say that I was never on a diet in my life but I would lie . Even though I always said I would never go on a diet when I was watching my friends suffer because they were hungry and sad - just because they were on a freaking diet - I did try . And I also figured out that it 's really not my cup of tea . I 've always been very thin but when I was diagnosed with a coeliac disease and started my gluten - free diet ( it 's not that kind of diet , because I 'm not doing it voluntarily , I 'm not supposed to eat food which contains gluten ) I gained some weight . It 's not like I 'm fat , not at all , but I gained a belly because all the food I eat goes there . I really hate my belly ! With gaining weight I also found out that maybe slimming cure isn 't such a bad idea . I 've decided I would give it a shot . I 've read hundreds of forums and even a couple of books and decided that the 90 - day diet is the best . The result is amazing - a loss of 15 - 20 kilograms in 90 days , and it also cures high blood pressure and - which is the most important - you don 't have to give up any type of food . The first day is a protein - day , the second a starch - day , followed by a carbohydrate - day , and the last but not least is a fruit - day . You just have to separate the food , not give it up . Perfect ! So the next day my adventure started . With fruit . With this diet you have to eat fruit for breakfast which was the first thing I didn 't like about it . I don 't like eating fruit in the morning , I don 't feel good if I do . But I was prepared to sacrifice myself for a nice flat belly . I ate a banana and an apple . And then I figured out that you 're allowed to eat just one sort of fruit at a time . I managed to screw up at the very beginning , how encouraging , right ? I didn 't give it up because I knew that I would have meat for lunch . I love meat ! I spent my morning thinking about that steak waiting for me in the refrigerator . And when lunch time finally came I was the happiest person in the whole world . I grilled my steak and a bunch of vegetables . It was delicious and I can 't describe to you how much I enjoyed it . I also had the same menu for dinner . Just less food . I wasn 't so excided anymore . I don 't like to eat the same food twice in a day . I don 't even like to eat the same food for two days in a row ! I started thinking about this diet from a different angle and it didn 't seem so perfect anymore . But I thought " Hey , I can 't give up after only one day . " And I didn 't . I woke up the next morning and didn 't want to get out of the bed because I knew that a banana is waiting for me in the kitchen . And a coffee without sugar and milk . I love coffee with milk and lots of sugar . My only consolation was that I was having risotto for lunch . But instead of risotto with meat like usual it would be with vegetables . That 's not perfect but it 's much better than fruit for breakfast . So I spent another morning thinking about lunch . It was so lame that I 'm ashamed of myself . I 'm happy and proud that I make very tasty risotto so my lunch wasn 't so bad although it didn 't contain any meat . And yes - I 'm basically eating meat every day and I enjoy it very much ! In the afternoon I met my friend for a coffee . As usual I ordered coffee with lots of milk and I was very generous in adding sugar . Mistake ! I didn 't remember that I was on a diet and that I shouldn 't drink milk on a starch - day . And of course I didn 't remember that I 'm not allowed to consume sugar . But I did enjoy my coffee very much . Much more than my dinner which was , guess what … risotto . The same one I ate for lunch . I went to bed asking myself why am I doing this . I came to realize that I 'm the same as those girls I always pitied - I was on a diet , hungry and sad . This realization made me so angry that I went to the kitchen and made myself a huge sandwich with a little bread and lots of salami and even more cheese . This was my famous two day diet , and I couldn 't even get through these two . Don 't judge me . And those of you who are vegetarians - don 't judge me because I love meat . I don 't see a good reason why I would torture myself with a diet if I 'm already forced to have a strict gluten - free diet . I can 't eat a lot of things I would die for . And I would literally die if I ate them , so that 's why I don 't . I come to the door of our apartment and start to unlock it . I love the sound of the lock because I know that in a moment or two I 'll be in the safe shelter of my apartment where no one can hurt me . Your shoes are in the hallway so you 're obviously at home . I walk to the centre of our apartment which is a huge room - a combined living and dining room . The kitchen is separated by an oval kitchen bar . You 've obviously been cooking it smells lovely . There is festive cover on the kitchen table and candles . Are we celebrating something ? Did I forget about our anniversary or something ? I 'm sure I didn 't . Our anniversary is in May and your birthday in March . " Hey honey , what 's going on ? Did I miss something ? " I 'm a bit nervous . Is this an ambush ? Do you want to persuade me to go away for two months and leave my job ? You should know me better , I 'm not going to leave my job just because you think it 's a good idea . " No , I 've just wanted to surprise you with a nice romantic dinner . " This could definitively be an ambush . What do you want this time ? To move to another country ? Adopt a child ? Buy a dog ? I don 't like dogs . Or will you just continue where I stopped you the last time by leaving the restaurant . It was a couple of days ago and we haven 't talked about this since then . " Sit down , I 'll bring the food . Would you like a glass of wine ? " I would prefer a whole bottle . I 'll probably need it . " Yes please . " You bought my favourite wine , how nice of you . Do you want to get me drunk so that I would agree with you ? I make a sip of wine and I wish I could light a cigarette . You bring the dinner to the table . It 's baked salmon and baked potatoes with vegetables . " It smells wonderful . " It really does . It 's a nice surprise and the food is wonderful . I know that we should spend more quality time together but I don 't feel like it . I feel bad about it but I can 't help it . I should force myself to spend more time with you but you know me very well , you would know that I 'm fakin " I 've been thinking . " This is not a good sign . I 'm sure you 've been thinking and I 'm also sure I won 't like what you 've been thinking about . " I 'm really sorry that I said that you should leave your job . I know it 's important to you . " That 's an even bigger surprise . I don 't even know what to say . " I just want the best for you and I think that it 's not good for you if you work all the tame and don 't think about your problems . You won 't solve anything if you won 't confront the problems . " I knew it was too beautiful to be true . If you planned a nice romantic dinner you just failed . I don 't want another lecture from you . " I 've also been thinking about this . And I think it might be good for us and especially for me to go away for a while , but certainly not for two months . Maybe 2 weeks for Christmas ? " I 'm sure this will mean a lot to you . And some time away from everything would probably be good for me . If we weren 't here I wouldn 't have to deal with my Mom . I really don 't want to go to the family dinner this year . I should talk about this with my psychologist but I 'm sure she 'll think it 's a good idea to go away . " That would be great . " This salmon is really tasty , you 've done a great job . You 're a very good cook , if you weren 't such an amazing architect I would try to convince you to change your profession . " I would like to go someplace warm . What do you think about Seychelles ? " I 've always wanted to go there . Jenny and her husband went there for their honeymoon and she said it was perfect . The pictures were more than perfect . Cristal clear water , amazing hotels , hot weather in the middle of winter . What more could I want ? Another glass of this wine . Oh , you 've noticed and filled up my glass . You 're really nice and sweet . I don 't know why you 're still sticking with me . You could find a normal woman , who would give you what you want and need . But you 're here , dealing with all my problems . " I 'm in . We could go to the agency tomorrow and make reservations . After work at about 5p . m . ? " I thought I would work late tommorrow . But I can still go back to work when we arrange everything . " I 've also made dessert . Your favourite chocolate cake . " You really are a treasure . I adore chocolate cake . You go to the kitchen and slice the cake . I 'm sure I 'll get a huge slice . " You 're so sweet . Thank you for all this . " I really mean it . I don 't know how I would get through all this without you . " I love you Emma . You know this , right ? " I know . Avtor I love riding with a city bus . I already wrote about how it calms me down here . A couple of days ago I was on a city bus on my way to the university . It was what I would call an ordinary winter day . It was snowing a bit , not too much but just enough to make you wet if you didn 't have an umbrella . Drivers in cars were nervous as they always are when it 's snowing outside . It was a chaos on the streets , cars humping and changing lanes all the time just to get to their destination a little bit quicker . Slush on the pavements was the reason why the pedestrians were nervous . They wanted to get to a warm and dry place where it wasn 't snowing and the floor weren 't slippery . As I said - an ordinary winter day . The bus stopped at a station and I redirected my attention from the madness on the street to the people standing on the station , waiting for their bus to come . They all seemed nervous , most of them were without an umbrella so their hair and clothes were wet . They were impatiently staring at their watches and down the street to see if their bus was coming . Everyone seemed annoyed and cranky because the weather was awful and they all needed to be somewhere . At one moment I noticed a boy running to catch the bus . He tried to maneouvre through the crowd at the station with his bag bouncing on his shoulders . A bunch of high - school kids were standing on the sidewalk and one of the boys tripped him so this Lonely boy as I named him , almost fell to the floor . Somehow he managed to balance himself so he didn 't fall and he managed to catch the bus . He found a seat near me , and it was faced backwards so I was able to see his face . He was probably 17 or 18 years old . His dark brown hair was wet because of the snow and his cheeks were red because he was running for the bus . I saw sadness in his dark chocolate coloured eyes . He was nervously looking at the floor . When the bus moved from the station he looked out at those boys who tripped him but quickly turned his head away like he was afraid of them . He looked at me for a moment and seemed sad and ashamed so I smiled at him , hoping that it would comfort him a bit . But he probably thought I was laughing at him since he looked away in an instant . He wore dark blue jeans and they seemed very old . There was a big hole in them , where his ankle was and they were very ragged at the bottom . His brown shoes weren 't appropriate for this weather and his feet were probably wet . He wore a dark red winter jacket which was probably a couple of years old and at least one size too small for him . It was ripped where the pocket should be . He seemed intelligent but not very outgoing . I think he doesn 't have a lot of friends and he 's probably bullied in his class . I doubt he ever speaks out for himself because he seemed too shy to say anything . He probably just wants to fit in and doesn 't want to be even less popular . On the next station three girls came on the bus and he looked at them . His face changed , it became softer and I saw his eyes sparkle . One of the girls said hi to him and then all three of them started laughing . I assume they are class mates and he 's probably in love with the pretty blond one . He was looking at her with a mixture of passion and tenderness in his eyes . I don 't know if she didn 't notice or she just ignored it . She is probably the popular girl and it would inappropriate if she would like him . The bus was approaching the next station and he stood up . He looked to where the girls were and then he turned around and went to the door to wait for the bus to stop . He was nervously changing his feet and looked at the girls once again . They didn 't even notice him anymore , they were too busy talking about the shoes one of them saw the other day . The bus stopped and he pressed the button to open the door . He looked at me and nervously smiled , obviously he knew I wasn 't laughing at him . Then he stepped off the bus . I 'm on my way home from work and I wish I had stayed longer . It would be nice to come home and find you asleep so we wouldn 't have to talk . The phone rings . It 's my mom , the last person I want to talk to . " Hey mom . " " Hello Emma . I 've been calling you for two weeks now and you don 't answer . What 's going on ? " I 'm 32 years old and I have to answer to my mom ? She still thinks I 'm a little girl . " I 've been working a lot , sorry . " I know that 's not an excuse for her but she 'll have to deal with it . " You 're working too much . These people are taking advantage of you . Stand up for yourself . " " Mom , no one is taking advantage of me , I love my job ! " She wouldn 't understand how relaxing being at work for a whole day is for me . You don 't understand . You think I 'm avoiding you . " Do you eat enough ? " How typical . She thinks everything 's ok if I just eat enough . " Yes mom , I 'm not a little child anymore . " I 've been telling her that for the past 10 years but I 'll always be a child to her . Well I am her child and I always will be . " I 'm calling you to tell you that we 're having a Christmas dinner at our house this year . At 5p . m . " Did I miss something ? Today is the 2nd of December and she 's already making plans for Christmas dinner ? " Mom , Christmas is 3 weeks from now . Aren 't you a bit early with the plans ? " I wish I could vanish for a month and avoid this holiday madness . " I know Christmas is still far away but since you 're too busy to pick up your phone when I 'm calling I thought I should invite you as soon as possible . I don 't want you to make any other plans . " That 's a great idea . I should tell her we already have plans . I hope she 'll buy it . " Mom , we already have some plans so we 'll probably not be spending this Christmas with you guys . " I don 't know why we have a Christmas dinner every year , it 's not like we 're religious or something , it 's just a stupid family tradition . " That 's just not acceptable . You can 't break the tradition . " I should have expected this reaction . " Mom , I 'm an adult I can do whatever I want whenever I want . And why are we having these dinners anyway ? We 're not religious . " I don 't want to fight with her but I hate it when she tries to arrange my life . " It 's a tradition and traditions are important . " Not to me . Maybe I should accept your offer and go away for two months . " I don 't want to fight . We 'll see … " She hangs up . This really means a lot to her . More than I thought . Avtor I really love chemistry because it 's so easy to understand . You have to know the characteristics of the elements before combining them . You can make a lot of interesting experiments and you can predict the results very closely . It 's much easier to understand relations between chemistry elements than relationships between people . That 's why I have a doctorate in chemistry , not psychology . My phone rings . It 's my best friend Jenny . She never calls me when I 'm working unless it 's urgent . " Hey Jenny , what 's going on ? " I really hope it 's not bad news . " I 'm just calling to invite you for a drink later today . Around 5p . m . ? " That 's a surprise . Usually she sends me a text message about such things while I 'm working . I 'm really not in the mood for drinks . She 's so damn cheerful . But I don 't have a good excuse . That 's probably why she 's calling me , since I turned down the last six invitations she sent via text messages . She knows I can 't come up with an excuse so quickly . " I don 't know when I 'll finish working . " This isn 't a lie although I can leave whenever I want since I 've worked overtime almost every day in the past few months . " Emma , you 're the leader of your department , you can leave whenever you want . See you at 5 , the usual place . " She hangs up . It seems I don 't have a choice , I 'll have to see her today . I 'm on my way to see Jenny . I haven 't seen her for almost two months which is unusual . Normally we have a lunch together at least once a week . I 've been avoiding her . I 've been avoiding everyone - Jenny , my Mom , my sister Karen . I 've been avoiding everyone who could notice that I 'm not ok because I don 't want them to worry about me . And I don 't want to talk about my problems anymore . " You have a new haircut . It 's lovely ! " I 've had this haircut for over a month now but Jenny hasn 't seen me for a long time so it 's new to her . I 'm glad she likes it , but now she 'll probably talk about her problems with her hair . " I 've gone " Were are we going for New Year 's Eve this year ? We have to make plans it 's already December . " You 've changed the topic . I don 't want to make plans for any celebrations . How could I avoid this ? " I don 't know . I haven 't thought about this at all . " That 's completely true . And I don 't want to think about this in the future either . You should make your plans without me this year . I 'll probably stay at home . " Well , I 'll talk to the other girls and we should meet this week and make plans and reservations . We 're so late we probably won 't get anything . Maybe I could organise something at my place . That would be so much fun . " You can do whatever you want just don 't force me into planning . " I should go now . " I have to leave before you try to convince me to help you plan the party . I used to love event planning and I was good at doing it since I 'm a control freak but I don 't have strength to plan right now . " You just came here . " You look at my empty glass of wine and seem surprised . Usually I drink my wine slowly and enjoy it . Not today . " I told you I 'm busy . I 'm really sorry , I 'll call you next week . " I kiss her on the cheek and leave . " I 'll call you this week , we have to get together and plan things ! " I 'll pretend I didn 't hear her . Avtor Lately I 'm often thinking about that day . You don 't lose a baby every day . The correct term would be the foetus but I can 't stand this expression . It was my baby , my little baby girl and I lost her . I 've been pregnant for only nine weeks but that doesn 't mean that I didn 't love her . She wasn 't planned but it happened and it made us so incredibly happy . She was wanted and loved . She was my little baby girl … Somewhere deep inside I think you blame me for losing her . You never said it and when I asked you if you blame me you denied it . But maybe deep down in your heart you blame me and even you 're not aware of that . I never saw you cry before but that day you were inconsolable . You rushed to the hospital and I saw your red eyes , you were crying . Now you 're denying it because you want to be strong for me . It means so much to me that I didn 't lose both of you especially since I 've pushed you away when we lost her . I was pushing you away but you never went anywhere , you were always there for me . Even on that day … I know that suicide isn 't a solution . I was looking for a way out of my pain . It was too much for me and I didn 't have a reason to live anymore . The pills were deceiving me . I thought it would be easier . It probably would be but you came home and saved my life . I should be thankful . The doors open . You 're late . You probably went for a drink with your colleagues . " Hey . " You kiss me and it seems that you 're not angry with my anymore . I wouldn 't blame you if you were . " Hey . Sorry again for my reaction at the lunch . " I am sorry but I still think it 's a mad idea . You sit on a couch next to me and look at me seriously . " Did you think about it ? " You still think we should go away for two months and that I should leave my job . You 're very determined . Well , so am I . Why should I give up my career if I don 't want to . " I did a bit but I had very busy day . I still think it 's a mad idea . " I hope you understand . I 'm the leader of a research department in a big pharmaceutical company and I 've worked very hard to get where I am today , so I don 't want to give it up . " Don 't you want to get better ? I understand that losing our baby was hard for you . It wasn 't easy for me either but we have to continue with our life . Maybe we should try to have another baby … " You 're seriously thinking of having another baby ? I can 't believe it . I don 't want to risk losing another child , it would destroy me . " I 'm not ready . And I don 't want to give up my job and everything I 've worked very hard for . " I don 't want to talk about having another baby . " You 're changing the subject . " This is the first time you 've expressed your desire for another baby . It seems that you really want one . But I 'm not ready . " I 'm not ready for this conversation . I 'm not ready to have another baby . " I don 't know if I will ever be . Avtor I look outside and I see the little white flakes falling down from the sky . They are really little and they are dancing in the air . Their dance from the clouds is magical . I go on the balcony and stretch out my hand . A couple of little flakes lands on my palm and they melt immediately . I look up in the sky and admire the work of the nature and this wonderful winter dance amuses me . " What do you think about going away ? Take a break and go somewhere warm . " Your suggestion is very appealing . I knew that something 's going on since you invited me to lunch although you 're very busy with your new project . Normally you eat in your office when you 're working on a new project , especially if it 's such an important one . " A weekend break sounds interesting . " I would love to go away from everything and everyone . I 'm under such a huge pressure here . I have to pretend that everything 's fine all the time because you 're the only one who knows about my condition and I don 't want anyone else to know . And you being aware that I 'm not ok isn 't helpful . You 're always breathing down my neck and I know you 're worried and you want to help me but you 're choking me . You 're calling me all the time and sending me text messages when we 're not together . Maybe a relaxing weekend would calm you down a bit . " I was thinking about taking a longer break . Till the middle of January would be perfect . " That 's a mad idea . Who 's crazy here ? The doctors say it 's me not you . Is something wrong with the steak you 're eating ? Is it poisoned ? Or maybe something 's wrong with my salad and I 'm not hearing right . But something 's definitively wrong . I should order a strong liquor instead of water , it would clear my mind . " That 's more than two months . We can 't leave for such a long time . We both have jobs and you 've just been promoted . We can 't just leave . " I don 't know what 's going on in your mind . I don 't want to turn your offer down and hurt your feelings . " I have to utilize my leave and I 'm sure that my boss wouldn 't mind . And you don 't have to go back to work anymore . It 's very stressful and you don 't need that right now . We can manage on my salary . A nice raise came along with my promotion , remember ? " Your ideas are becoming crazier and crazier . I love my job and I love what I do . I can 't just leave my job and go somewhere warm . What would I do if I wou " Why did you leave like this ? We have to talk ! " You seem angry . I can 't blame you . I just left you sitting at the restaurant like a fool . This wasn 't my intention but I can 't think clearly right now . " I 'm sorry , I need some time to think . " I really do . Who wouldn 't ? Can you blame me ? We 're already at the counter . I 'm sure you won 't like me buying cigarettes . " Cigarettes please . " The cashier looks at me angrily . " Which ones ? " She could be nicer . It 's not my fault if she 's unhappy with her job and with her life . I also have problems but I don 't lash out at people . " Marlboro lights please . " I really don 't care which ones , I just need a damn cigarette . " Are you smoking again ? " You 're surprised face makes the cashier laugh and you seem to get angrier . I pay and we 're leaving the store . " I need a cigarette , that 's all . " I don 't have to explain my actions to you , you 're not my mother and I 'm an adult . I light a cigarette and it feels so good . I feel a bit better . " Do whatever you want to . I have to go back to work . " I 'm not surprised you don 't want to be with me right now . I probably hurt your feelings but I think you understand . I have to think things through and clear my mind . This weekend I went back home and I spent a really nice weekend with my family . Though I feel bad because I didn 't do any work for my studies at all . But I 'm not sorry about it because I really love spending time with Pia and Klara . They are my little sisters and I already wrote a blog about them . The centre of our house is our living room / kitchen / dining room . It 's a big open space stretching through half of the floor . This is the space where we hang out , where we have our holiday dinners and Sunday lunch . This is the place where I watched my little sisters grow up ( they 're not so little anymore but they will always be my little sisters ) . I love the moment when I walk into this room after being away from home for three weeks . It 's always the same sight . I walk in and yell out " Hellooooo , I 'm hooomeeee . " In the next moment Pia and Klara run out of their room and jump on me smiling and yelling " Taja , Taja , Taja , you 're home . " We hug each other for a minute or two and I 'm always surprised about how much they 've grow since I last saw them . I 'm realizing that they 're growing up and that they have become intelligent and beautiful young girls . After this very emotional moment my Mom usually comes to hug me , smiling . We 're all happy that I 'm at home . Last Friday was the same old story except that I came home a bit earlier than I usually do so we had the whole afternoon to spend together . But my sisters always fight and just when Mom wanted to go out they started yelling and Pia fell on the floor which pissed Mom out because Pia had just recovered from a broken wrist . I told Mom to go out and that I 'll handle the situation . I knew that I 've reported for mission impossible . But surprisingly after half an hour of talking to them I managed to solve the argument . You can 't imagine how hard it was . When they were calmed Klara asked if we could watch a movie and I made pop corn with cheese . We had so much fun watching TV and we laughed all the time . In one moment became very cold so I asked Pia and Klara if they know where I can find Moms cardigan or something to put on . Klara instantly said that she 'll find it for me and after a minute she came back with her favourite blanket . That really touched me because Klara is very protective about her belongings and she 's usually very angry if someone 's touching them . My parents were gone for the whole afternoon and they didn 't returned home until 11p . m . so we had the living room just for ourselves . We had so much fun and we were up until midnight . The next morning I woke up at 10 or so and Pia and Klara were already up but there was no sight of my parents . So I 've made a breakfast for us and then they wanted to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire . I can 't say no to them and I watched the movie with them instead of reading the literature for my studies . We pretty much watched movies for the whole day and it was fun listening their comments . In one moment I started taking pictures of them with my BlackBerry and even Klara allowed me to take a pic of us . And after some time she even proposed to take a couple of pics of the three of us . That was really extraordinary because she never allows me to take a pic of us . Saturday was gone in a flash and I was really sorry because I had to leave early in the morning on Sunday . So I kissed Pia and Klara goodbye because I knew they won 't be up the next morning when I 'll go . I was really sad for leaving them but I know that we 're having fun when I 'm there and that we probably wouldn 't have so much fun if I was still living at home . 1 . Left behind 2 . The balcony 3 . The party 4 . The confrontation 5 . The poisonous steak 6 . Bad memories 7 . Jenny 8 . Mom 9 . What about Seychelles 10 . Christmas shopping 11 . The cheating bastard 12 . About happiness13 . Dilemma14 . The big decision Blogs I like to read

Hi Barb . I was down at my spot of the river playing around with my gold pan . When I looked up , it looked like he picked something up to right of of his feet . Then it didn 't look like he moved after that . I got my cell phone and took a picture of it . The figure stood in the same spot , even when I left it stood in the same spot . I was by myself when I noticed the figure . That 's how it was standing the whole time I was there . In the picture , it does look small . To me , it looked taller then then 6 ' 5 ' . I couldn 't tell what it picked up . I would say it was around 200 m across the river . Yes very familiar with the spot . I 've been going there for close to 20 years . No I have not experienced anything like that before , That 's what caught my eye and found very odd . Yeah there were some prints found a few weeks later . They did seem way larger than human , but looked similar to human . I wouldn 't say spooked or threatened . I had a river between us . But I found it very odd that something was outside in black , from head to toe in 23 + weather , just standing there . I didn 't think it was a bear because a bear would always be moving . Every time I did see a bear on its back legs , it would not stay up for very long , and always moving . But after the figure picked something up , it stood in the same spot until I left . I was there for minimum of 3 hours . Barb 's note : I still have not heard the exact date this occurred . I first became aware of the sighting on September 8th , when Brian Vike passed along some information that put me in touch with the witness . Thank you Brian ! I do appreciate it . The witness is very familiar with the location . Having visited the area for close to 20 years now . This is outside my target area , but it is of interest . It is the second sighting by water , this year , so far . First one occurred on Babine Lake , this summer . - Spring 2013 Collins Lake - We could not only hear the heavy footsteps in the dark but also feel them . One of the three dogs ( Belle ) inside the cabin was so afraid that she managed to cram herself underneath a couch - trembling . This one particular night , it had been warm , so we left the back door open . Doug and I had this overwhelming feeling we were being watched through the large windows . It 's really creepy when it 's so dark that you just can 't see anything out there . Then we heard movement coming from the area of the windows , heading towards the back porch . I scrambled to shut that door as fast as I possibly could . We were in the back , enjoying the view of the lake when suddenly a tree exploded somewhere nearby . Sounded like a cannon going off . Initially I thought someone had fired off a shot somewhere in the cabin 's driveway . So I let off the airhorn to let the hunter know we were there . We heard crashing in the bush off to our right . Then next we heard the funniest animal sound coming from an irritated marten , as it took the long way around us . Upon checking the trail cam , we discovered that a grizzly sow and three cubs went running down the driveway , disappearing off to the right along the shore of the lake . The sow had not been responsible for the exploding tree . She and her cubs had been running away from that direction . The cabin belongs to Nanika Lake Outfitters , and has since undergone renovations . I have rented this cabin on and off for a number of years now . Ever since Jim owned it . Never experienced anything like we did in 2013 , before . - Barb - June 1940 's or 1950 's Kitlope - In the night a Bigfoot howled at a broken window in an old house . In the morning , Clayton Mack and his client find large human - like tracks . The guide finds evidence that the Bigfoot tried to destroy its own tracks . Clayton Mack was born in 1910 , at Nieumiamus Creek - " place of flies . " He went to a residential school and worked as a logger , fisherman and a rancher before becoming a tracker and hunting guide . Descended from a long line of Bella Coola chiefs , he was a walking encyclopedia of tribal lore and wordsmanship . He spent 53 years on the BC central coast , guiding the rich and famous on trophy hunts that felled an estimated 300 grizzly bears . During this time , he also gained a reputation as one of the best storytellers in the province . He was flown to Hollywood in the sixties for a visit , where he mesmerized the California jet set with his hunting tales . In 1988 , after suffering a stroke , he was moved into long - term care at the Bella Coola Hospital . He died in 1993 . Note : Grizzly bears and q ' unsciwas - white men - were two most mysterious creatures on earth according to Bella Coola 's own Nuxalk nation Indian Clayton Mack . Born in 1910 , the latter reign of " the great wilderness hunters , " he guided the rich and the famous on trophy hunts , captivating everyone from the Bella Coola locals to jet setters with his hunting prowess and mastery at telling campfire stories . He was one of a kind . Not particularly worldly , Clayton Mack is portrayed as spirited , confident , one with the wilderness or as I call it , " he had back - country smarts " and was at home in the elements among nature 's fiercest most unpredictable creatures , the grizzly bear , the black bear and the Boqs - Sasquatches . He loved the British Columbian wilderness where he was known for 53 long years as the " greatest grizzly bear guide " in the world , something you have to respect if you know the Grizzly Bear . Hunters will love Mack 's no nonsense - earthy approach to hunting . He was also a spellbinding storyteller . His best tales are collected in the Grizzly book in his own words . The stories he told were recorded in text exactly as he spoke them during tape recorded sessions with the author Dr . Harvey Thommasen , his family physician , who specialized in Native Canadian health issues . The Mack book is short on Sasquatch stories , devoting only one chapter to the subject , but Mack 's grizzly accounts are worth the price of the book . I will confine out - takes from the book to his single chapter on Sasquatch related stories . I got the biggest bang out of his Grizzly and Sasquatch yarns , seized of course , from his days in the beauty but rugged and unyielding wilderness region of Bella Coola , BC . I hope you will enjoy it too . Chapter Seven , The Sasquatch " I was fishing in Kwatna all my myself , in August - nobody with me - and I came home on the weekend . I was getting pretty lonely , low on gas and getting low on grub too . So I went home for a few days . Then I got a fresh start of grub to go back again . I told my wife " I 'm going back to Kwatna again . " Early in the morning , Sunday , I took off from Bella Coola . I was probably in my thirties . I had a little boat - about a thirty - foot boat with a single cylinder engine . I got to Jacobson Bay , about fifteen miles from Bella Coola when I saw something right out on the low tide . I saw something on the edge of the water . It was kneeling down - like and I could see his back humping up on the beach . It looked like he was lifting up rocks or maybe digging clams . But there were no claims there . I turned the boat right in toward him . I wanted to find out what it was . For a while there I thought it was a grizzly bear , kind of light color fur on the back of his neck like a light brown almost buckskin color fur . I nosed right in toward him to almost seventy - five yards to get a good look . He stood up on his hind feet , straight up like a man and I looked at it . He was looking at me . Gee , it don 't look like a bear , it has arms like a human being , it had legs like a human being and it got a head like us . I keep on going in toward him . He started to walk away from me walking like a man on two legs . He was about eight feet high . He got to some drift - logs , stopped and looked back at me . He looked over his shoulder to see me . Grizzly bear don 't do that , I never see a griz run on its hind legs like that and I never se a grizzly bear look over his shoulder like that . I was right close to the beach now . He stepped up on those drift logs and walked into the timber . Stepped on them logs like a man do . The area had been logged before so the alder trees were short , about eight to ten feet high . I could see the tops moving as he was spreading them apart to go through . I watched as he went a little higher up the hill . The wind blew me in toward the beach , so I backed up the boat and keep on going to Kwatna Bay . One evening a year later , I was talking to George Olsen who was the manager of Tallio cannery . I told him about what I had seen , a man - like animal with hair all over his body . George told me he seen the same animal , the same month and the same year as I had but only on the other side of the bay . George and his crew watched from their boat as a man - like creature run across the river . For many years after , I told that story to people . I told Paul Pollard , James Pollard 's father and he told me where they are . Where is the most Sasquatch sign he ever seen , Kitlope ! I wanted to get into that country some day to see if that was true . One June , I took two Americans into Kitlope . They had both got their grizzly bear and wanted to see if they could see a Sasquatch . One of these Americans , we called him ' cowboy ' was crying all the time and sometimes used bad language . Mad at something . When we get to Kitlope I said , " What is your problem ? " He said " my wife left me . She cheated me and she wanted lots of money from me . She wanted thirty thousand dollars from me and she got it . Then she took off . A few days later I got a letter saying she wants sixteen hundred dollars a month for the rest of her life . And she got it . " That 's what he was mad about . There was an old house at Kitlope . Oil stove cups , dishes , plates and spoons were all in good shape . I light up the stove . I called the boys to come in , " it 's all ready for us . " The cowboy was still kind of haywire you know , he pulled out a bottle of Canadian Club Whisky and a carton of cigarettes and put it on the table . Cowboy started right away drinkin ' and smokin . ' He got me nervous - like after a while . I was laying down watching him . He was smoking a log of cigarettes ; he 'd just finished one and then lights a new one again . He keeps going like that . The he 'd get up and go to the kitchen and pour himself a drink again . I watched him all the time . I decided next time he goes I would follow him and have a drink and help him forget his problem . Then he went in and I went and patted him on the shoulder . " I 'll drink with you on this one . " He said " Take a big one , you are way behind " " Damn right , " I said . " I 'll take a big one so I can go to sleep . " He poured himself a drink and poured myself a drink . I drink that Canadian Club Whiskey and go back to bed . I had my gun right there beside my bed and a big flashlight , A six - volt flashlight . I lay down , Cowboy started in again smoking . I never say nothing , just lay there watching him . Tony , the other American was laying near the foot of my bed on the next bed . I was afraid Cowboy was going to burn a blanket , burn down the whole cabin . Right at once something yelled through a little broken window , " Haaa Ohhhhhhhhh . " He yelled right through that hole in the window . I get up right away and grabbed hold of my gun . That 's the big mistake I made . I should have grabbed hold of that flashlight and flashed right on his face to see what he looked like . I grabbed my gun and I tried to go out but I couldn 't open the door because it had been raining too long in that country , I guess , and the door swelled up so as I couldn 't open it . So I went out through the back door and flashed the light at the broken window . He was gone already . He yelled again by the river , he howl again , " haaaaaaa ha ha ha haaaaaaa " like . I flashed around , it was gone now ; walked down to the river to see him , what it was , but I didn 't see nothing . So I went back to bed . Early in the morning I woke up Tony . " Let 's go look for his tracks , " I said . Yeah , it looked like we saw his tracks all right , but not too good . He stopped too many places . He destroyed his own footprints . The footprints look like our footprints - bigger , that 's all . The second Sasquatch I saw was in Mud Bay , in Dean Channel . Mud Bay is about ten miles down from Brynildsen Bay . It is like a kind of lagoon there , narrow entrance to go in but lots of room once you are inside . I was looking for bear . I didn 't want to go into the middle of the bay , so I went to shore and walked along the sandy beaches . I see a man - head ; it looked like , behind a tree . It was looking at me . The head was sticking out from behind a tree . I kneeled down and point my gun at him . Gee , he took off fast . He was about two hundred feet away . Not too big , about my size , five foot seven or eight . Had lots of hair all over his face . Almost look like a person , but not a person . I didn 't want to shoot him . So I walked up to where he was . And where he went in , I followed him in . I saw tree bark had been peeled off . I guess he was eating the sap of a hemlock tree . I almost caught him eating that . I saw his tracks , but not too good . [ note : This is a rare report where we read about a dead bear being found . ] The third Sasquatch I saw was in South Bentinck , right up the head of the South Bentinck . Past Taleomey , right at the end . Assek River . It was less than twenty years ago now . I had a white hunter with me , an American guy from California . Maybe fifty year old . We were sitting down on a log talkin ' together , he told me his bad luck . There was a dead black bear near us . We found that dead black bear the week before and it had been eaten up by a grizzly bear . That American hunter shot and missed a wolf , then later he shot and missed a griz that come to eat that dead black bear ! He told me , " I 'm real bad luck ! I missed that wolf , I missed that grizzly bear , I lost my son in the Vietnam War . " That is what he told me . We were waiting for the grizzly bear that was eating that dead black bear to come back . We waited ' til it getting ' dark . So I told this guy " It 's getting late , let 's get out of here . We 'll be back before daylight in the morning . " Sometimes when it gets late , dark , and you shoot and you can 't see the sights on the gun too good , you will just nick the bear . You won 't kill him , just wound him . It is hard to track a wounded grizzly bear at night . So we headed back to the boat and I walked ahead of him . We came into big open flat , about quarter of a mile . It looked like there was a black bear eating in the grass . Looked like it anyways . I stopped , told this fellow " Black bear over there , let 's go right close to him , lets walk right up to him . " We were on the dry land about 150 yards from the water . " Black Bear are stupid , " I told him " You can get right close to them . See how close you can walk up to him . " I started walking up to that black bear . " Just stay right behind me " I told the American guy . The black bear was about a quarter of a mile away when we first saw it . I made a big circle like toward the bear . When I got closer , not too far now , the hunter grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me back . " Clayton , that 's not a black bear " he said , " that 's a Sasquatch . " He keeps on saying , " It 's a Sasquatch . " I didn 't say nothing . I started walking again . I said " Stay right behind me . " We was only about 75 yards away . " Clayton , " he said again , " that 's not a black bear , that 's a Sasquatch ! ! " I knelt down on the ground , I turned toward him , " what do you know about Sasquatches ? " He says , " I come from Northern California , we get them in that country in the big mountains that get snow on them . Those mountains in Northern California which have glaciers on them . Some people hunt them " he said . I said " How do they look like ? " He said , " well you seeing one there now , that 's a what they look like . " I started walking again . I get pretty close now . Then that black bear stands up on both legs and he looks at me . I keep going closer . Gee , I was pretty close now . He started looking at me , making no noise or anything . I feel the barrel of a gun against my cheek . I pushed that hunter 's gun away from my face . " Don 't shoot him , " I said . The hunter whispered in my ear , " Look through your scope and see how he looks like . " I turn the scope to 4X and close * # 151 ; four times closer than a naked eye . I looked through that scope , I look at his mouth . Little white thing in his mouth , looked like rice . I look at his lips kind of turning in and turning out , the top and the bottom too . I look at his face and his chest . The shape of his face is different than a human being face . Hair over face . Eyes were like us but small . Ears small too . Nose just like us , little bit flatter that 's all . Head kind of looks small compared to body . Looks friendly doesn 't look like he 's mad or has anything against us . Didn 't snort or make a sound like a grizzly bear . On the middle of his chest , looked to me like a line of no hair , hair split apart little bit in the middle . Skin is black where that hair split apart . It was a male I think . I can 't , no way am I able to shoot him . I had a big gun too . Big gun , a . 308 . I aimed , had my finger on the trigger , and pointed it right at the heart . One shot would have killed him dead , just like that . I couldn 't shoot him . Like if a person stands over there , I shoot him , same thing . No way I can kill him . My mother told me don 't ever shoot a Sasquatch . If you shoot them , you gonna lose your wife , your mother or your dad , or else your brother , sister and all your children will die . It will give you bad luck if you kill them . Leave them walk away . That 's why I don 't want to shoot one . My mother had seen them . She hears them too . A lot of Indian people saw them in the old days when there was many boqs . Nowaday , they are dying off , maybe white man 's disease , those left alive are moving north . My brother in eastern tribe say they are no more . After we see it , we just leave it . That Sasquatch went in the woods , went in the big timber . He took off fast . Looked like he used his hands when he took off first , like a hundred - yard runner , looks like it . Pulling himself up with his arms , with his hands first , looks like . He never made a sound . Just moved off into the heavy timber like a fast moving shadow . Next day we had a look again around where that Sasquatch was eating . We wondered to ourselves , " what was he eating ? " He pulled that grass and right at the root of the grass is a little round seed . Looks like a little grains of rice . That white boy called it sweet grass . That was what he was eating . That was the last Sasquatch I actually saw but I hear them and lots of stories about Sasquatches . I was happy that American hunter from California saw a Sasquatch . He was happy he saw the Sasquatch too . I use to own a bigger boat . One time I took a basketball team to Ocean Falls , Bella Bella and Klemtu . Took about 25 boys . They hired me to do this . I have to be careful , don 't travel in bad weather or else you get into trouble , sink and lose that many boys . I was coming back from Klemtu , it was getting late , we get past Brynildsen Bay and we hit a strong wind blowing out from South Bentinck . I turned the boat around and go back to Brynildsen Bay . We 're going to wait ' til it is nice and take off to Bella Coola in the morning . The boys didn 't like that , they wanted to go home that night . " No I 'm the boss , " I said . The wind was strong and there was too many of us in the boat . I heard Sasquatch live in that bay area . Willie Hans got to the bow of the boat and tied the boat up good . I decided to cook something to eat . We plan to leave early in the morning before the wind came up . Art Saunders , he yelled at Willie Hand , Sasquatch ! ! " Willie Hans raised his head up high and said " Baaaa qaaaa " - are you there ? " Sasquatch answered right away , " Haii haii haii . " Just like he called his name in our language . We call the Sasquatch " Boqs . " The thing answered right now . The whole bunch of kids jammed through the door - they can 't squeeze through the door fast enough - but that was about 14 years ago . I also hear Sasquatch in Skowquilz River Valley . Not too long ago , a hunter and his wife came in . I took him to South Bentinck . He was a poor shot , he can 't hit nothing with his gun . Good gun too , twelve hundred dollar gun he said . I showed him a black bear , bang bang , he missed . Show him a griz , - bang bang , missed all the time . He can 't hit anything . One day we talked about Sasquatch . " Ah bullshit , " he said . " No such a thing as that in the world . " He asked me how it looks like . I told him about the black one I saw in South Bentinck . Look like human being , body like human being . He said , " it 's all bullshit . " His wife get mad at him , " don 't call it bullshit " she said . " You never see one in your life that is why you don 't believe ? I bet you never see a wolf either . " She was right , he never did see a wolf in the wild . I tried to get him a bear in South Bentinck , we did see a lot of bears but he can 't hit them - missed all the time . I told my son - in - law , " let 's go to Skowquiltz . " It 's easy to hunt there , easy hunting , lot of black bears there . " So we went to Skowquiltz River Valley . Same as always . It was getting dark in the evening when we got there . Starting to get dark anyways . I took this guy out and I sat down on a log , waiting for a bear to come out . I saw one right away quick . A black bear , he wanted to cross the meadow in front of us . " There should be black bear over there do , do you see any ? " " Yeah , let 's take a look - see " he said . We went to a meadow waiting for the bear but he never did show . Lots of bear sign , ground all dug up but no bears anywhere . We went back to the same log and sat down again . Suddenly a sound scared us bad ! Real awful noise . Looks like a bluff up above where the sound came from , " Awwwoooo Wooo Wooo . " That Sasquatch was talking but I couldn 't understand what he was saying . Real deep voice . Then the hunter asked me " what 's going on over there ? " " You don 't believe in Sasquatches ? " I said . " That there is one you a hearin ' now ! " " You 're hearing one , but you still don 't believe it ? That 's what it is . Maybe they lost each other , trying to call its mate maybe , it 's his wife he 's trying to call . " No answer though . Just a big deep voice . Awful sounding voice this time , scared me . Usually I 'm not scared in the woods . As long as I have my gun I 'm not afraid . But that voice sure scared me ! I start thinkin ' maybe it 's a ghost or spirit or something like that . Cougar don 't sound the same as the Sasquatch . I can tell the difference ! Porcupine sounds like a woman crying sometimes , but that Sasquatch cry is different than porcupine . My brother saw a Sasquatch . ( My brother 's name is Samson ) . Standing face to face about a foot and a half apart ! He was on the tide flats here . He was working the boom there . Early shift in the morning , ' twas fire season , had to go across to the other side , the Old Town site side , at about three o ' clock in the morning . Samson met that old Sasquatch right on the road . Samson stopped , the Sasquatch stopped and they just looked at each other . And Samson , he wouldn 't tell anyone about it for a long long time . Sometimes I wonder what kind of animal is a Sasquatch ? Half man , half - animal I think . Just like a man but can 't make fire , which seems to be all . You know all the Indians up and down the coast have the same name for Sasquatches , Bookwus , ( Bukwas ) or Boqs . Many different languages , but same name for the Sasquatch . I think they live in caves in the winter , hibernate like a bear . I don 't think they like fish up here . Sasquatches got strong smell , smell like a pig they say . I never smelled it myself , never did in my life . But a lot of guys smell them . They see them and smell them , I saw one in the South Bentinck up close , but I never did smell nothing on him . Maybe the wind was blowin ' the other direction . The way a Sasquatch finds out how far apart each other is , is they pick up a stick and hit a tree with that stick . Makes a spooky noise . You will hear " bong " on one side of a valley then " bong " when another Sasquatch answers from the other side of the valley . There are Sasquatch hunters , quite a bunch of them . They try and get a Sasquatch . Some of the Sasquatch hunters have come to see me and one guy said to me , " You tell me where I can get a picture of a Sasquatch . If I can get it , I get 125 , 000 dollars . " " What are you going to do with that picture ? " I asked him . " Make millions of copies of it and kids they will buy that and put it on their shirt , " he said . That guy stayed with me awhile . Look like there is a lot of money in that Sasquatch hunting business . I want to join them someday . One day that Sasquatch hunter , he needed money to buy grub to go back in the mountains . He was hunting back of Salloomt River valley . He wants to buy oranges for bait . He claims that Sasquatches like apples and oranges . He didn 't have any money to buy this stuff he wanted so he said " can I use your phone ? " " Yeah , okay " I said . And he phoned a man down in Agassiz , who was hunting Sasquatch too . He get through to the guy okay and I hear him say he needs over eight hundred dollars , he tells that guy to send the money to the Credit Union here in Bella Coola . He got it just like that ! Over a thousand bucks by the time he traded in his American money for Canadian money . I think there is still a few Sasquatch families around . Up the Talchako River , Kitlope River , Skowquiltz River and in South Bentinck . They travel long ways , cover a lot of ground in a day . I think someday someone will get a Sasquatch . I could have got one long ago if I wanted to kill one . I just couldn 't kill it . I couldn 't kill one for a million dollars , a Sasquatch looks too much like a man . About twenty years ago , I met a guy whose name was Bob Mackie from the United States . He was a young guy about twenty - five years old , from Washington State . He likes to hunt and guide . I met him in Bella Coola . He wanted to come with me to learn how to guide . He said " I don 't want pay , just feed me that 's all . " I told him he would have to get his assistant guide license and they were only sold at the head office over in Williams Lake . The young fellow who wanted to learn how to guide , wanted very much to come , but I just didn 't need four guides . My nephew , son and son - in - law . We flew back to Owikeno Lake with two hunters . Dusty took one guy to the Inzianan River . They were gone just short while and I heard an airplane , it sounded like it was going to land . It circled around and landed in the water then coasted up to our camp . I put my gumboots on and went out to meet the plane . A guy waves at me and I pulled the plane by a rope as far as I could to the shore . There on the plane was the young fellow who had wanted to be a guide , with his camera and a gun . He told me he had got his guiding license and all I had to do was sign my name and he would be able to guide for me . Dusty and George both got grizzly that morning for the hunters they took out . Two bears in a morning ! " It 's all finished now " I said . " We go home now . Close up and you guys can go home now on the plane . " It was around the end of October . We were at the Washwash cabin , Owikeno Lake , right up the head near the narrows . They said " All right . " Bob was going to come with me and get all the stuff and pack it into the cabin and help me close up for the year . Tents , stoves and stuff were about fifteen miles away . We got to pick all that up . After that we go home too . but like that , he wanted to come with me . Just the two of us and get all the stuff and pack it into the main cabin . The plane came in for George , Dusty and Obie . We packed some stuff in . George and Obie went hoe with them two hunters . After the plane was gone I told Bob Mackie " Okay , let 's go . We packed our stuff out of there . " We camped out over night . He don 't want no pay , this guy . He wants a grizzly bear for his pay . Okay , I say , we will hunt for a bear and I suppose you want a big one , hey ? " " Yeah " he said , " grizzly bear anyway . " We packed our stuff and grub into the boat and we took off . I had a big boat , big flat bottom skiff . Build like a little scow . A big motor on it . We can sleep in this boat if we have to . I run about another four more miles down the Owikeno Lake to the camp . I see something swimming in the water . I looked at it , gee it look like a bear . It was coming toward us . I slow the motor down to a slow idle . This thing was coming right straight for us . I looked at it . Bob was a looking too . I reversed that motor then backed up so we just keep still . That thing still coming toward us . I see his ears , I look at it . Getting pretty close and is about fifty feet away now . Bob said , " It 's a black bear , " Yeah , - maybe it 's a black bear , " I said . Black head , little white around its nose . Bob Mackie picked up his gun . " No , don 't shoot him " I said . " Too much like work to drag him up on the beach . " We stand together and keep looking at it . That things still coming toward us . And right at once he humped up and dived down under the water . " Black bear ? ? " he said . " No , it 's not a black bear " I said . " Something very different than a black bear . Black bear don 't dive like that . " " Grizzly bear will stick his head in the water but not a black bear , " I said . I have seen grizzly bear dive in with front part feeling around for fish but black bear just don 't do that . He went right under and never came up again . We got out of there quick . I don 't know what that was . It weren 't no bear ! It wasn 't a seal and it wasn 't a sea - lion . [ Note : Owikeno Lake monster ? ] " Let 's go ! " I said . We go to the Neechanz River . I ran up the river about a mile in the boat . We landed , packed our grub and stuff . Got a little bit of wood for a camp fire at night . Cooked something to eat . The next day Bob Mackie shot his bear . He finally got his bear , a grizzly all right . Not very big , but he was satisfied with it . A silver - tipped one . Nice silver - tip . We skinned that bear as fast as we can skin him . Packed the tent and stuff in the boat and took off . Take this bear skin with us too . I told Bob , " If we see another grizzly bear , a bigger one , you take it too . I 'll take the one you got . " We didn 't see any more bears though . We went through the First Narrows , then the Second Narrows . Just as we passed the Second Narrows is the Third Narrows . There some pilings there , they look like logs sticking up out of the water . I saw this thing stick its head out of the water , I looked at it . I point it out to Mackie . " Seal playing , " I said . Bob picked up his gun right away . That Bob Mackie had a powerful gun , a . 338 automatic . A real big bear gun all right . " If it 's a seal , shoot him " I told him . " I don 't like them seals in this country . They eat up all the fish and bust up the schools of Coho Salmon . Lot of Coho come up in here . And those seals chase them , then the Coho don 't bit for a long time , sometime don 't bite at all anymore . Too many seals in this country . " There are quite a few seals in that Owikeno Lake . We looked at it close . It had its head up , way up . Had a long skinny neck , not fat , kinda bent over . Pretty black and dark . Smallish head too . I don 't notice any ears . I can see its head sideways . Look like it had eyes , but big eyes . Mouth closed , no teeth . Look like a big snake but had a different kind of head on it . From the head to shoulder I could see it . That thing had shoulders like an animal . Body of an animal , neck to head was quite long , about five feet ! ! This young fellow aimed , he was a deadly shot , he can 't miss . And he aimed and then he looked at me . " Go ahead , " I said . I stood beside him . He had . 338 rifle , powerful gun . One shot can kill a griz real easy . He aimed for quite a while . We were pretty close now , about a hundred feet from him . That gun finally went off , BANG ! And I kick the boat ahead toward where that thing went down . I think he hit him all right , couldn 't have missed . He went down when Mackie shot . Head went in the water . I don 't know if he killed it or if that thing just dived in the water . I think he probably killed it , hit its head . That animal went down under the water and sun , I kicked ahead right where he went down under the water . I looked for blood , or fat coming to the top of the water . When you shoot seals or sea - lions in the water there will be blood or fat or bubbles coming up . But there was no blood . No fat . No bubbles . Maybe we were too close , bullet go through like a pinhole or go right through that thing 's head . Maybe the bullet hit a big bone inside . That lake water was kind of clear . I look where the thing went down to the bottom . I see a black thing down there , a big black thing , just all black . I couldn 't make a shape how he looked like . Was big , bigger than the biggest grizzly bear . While I was looking that thing come alive , looked like it . While we were looking down there it started paddling , kicking ahead like a big board backing up and churning the water . The water was boiling , coming up at us . Looked like he was taking off , away from us . Suddenly Bob said " Go on , get going . " I put the boat motor in gear and I opened it up wide open and we got out of there . We still had about six miles to go . Just past the Third Narrows , the lake opens up again . Bob said , " Run the boat right up on the beach , I don 't want to stay in the water any longer . " I had it going wide open . I ran the boat wide open to the cabin and ran it up on the shore by the cabin . We packed the stove and gear into the cabin . After that I said to Bob , " What was that you shot out there in the Narrows ? " " It was a dinosaur , they were around about a million years ago , but there shouldn 't be any more around . You 'll see a picture of it someday , you 'll see the name of it - dinosaur . Maybe you see it on television , " he said . " How come I don 't see teeth ? " I asked . He said , " there are two kinds of dinosaurs . One dinosaur , a flesh eater , eats meat , he kills animals ; this one eats leaves and vegetation like from trees . That is the kind I shot , that is the kind we seen . " When we got back to Bella Coola we don 't talk about what happened because we think people will laugh at us , say we are bullshitting them . I never heard of anyone else seeing that thing that year . I know the Rivers Inlet Indians from the Owikeno Village don 't want to travel them narrows at night . When they come to our camp , they always want to take off before dark . Get out of there before it gets too late in the day . I hear stories that they are scared of them things . I talked to some relation of David Bernard a Rivers Inlet Indian , after that . That guy told me David Bernard saw the same animal many years before we saw it . This goes a bit beyond the Sasquatch chapter but thought it was of interest . I tried to disengage the auto - correct system , but at one point I sat here staring at the screen 's page as the colorful Mack inflections auto - corrected themselves . I apologize . All the linguistic corrections ( though some are quite visible ) in Mack 's unique delivery takes away from his whimsical quirks and the mettle of the man he was . He died in 1993 . At the end of the stories Mack recounts , you will wonder what was real and what was imagined . According to the foreword in the book , Mark Hume reveals , " it 's all true . Every word is true . " If Clayton Mack was at all trying to weave an entertaining tale , he certainly lacked the embellishments of the usually storyteller . I 'm not trying to sell the Clayton Mack stories one way or the other , but rather leave the conclusion to the reader for whatever they may determine for themselves . The other point I found interesting was his consistency in noting the Sasquatch encounters happened very late in the day or during the night . That point lends credibility to what has already been established . Mack had no way to know that otherwise . I was also intrigued at the constant divulgement that Sasquatches in the region of Bella Coola seemingly shared territory with black bear and grizzlies . This may speak to their like - intake of food ; or perhaps their ability to get along with ill - tempered grizzlies and black bear . Perhaps they are opportunistic in sharing kills between themselves , who knows ? I wonder if there is some sort of plebeian thread between bears and Boqs ? Sasquatch field researchers ( that I am aware of ) don 't usually pass across grizzly territory unless by accident . At least I don 't . I 'll walk several miles to avoid known bear ranges . It didn 't occur to me the Sasquatch and bear shared the same territory . So I learned something . This must have come as quite a shock for the world 's greatest bear hunter . We should no longer be very surprised when witnesses confuse bear with Sasquatch , for even at close range , the best in bear hunters could hardly tell the difference until the Sasquatch stood up . Then there seemed to be little doubt in Clayton 's mind what the figure was once it stood up . " He had long hair , shaggy , . . . in a pine - beetle colour , totally covered . I couldn 't believe how fast he moved , " she added . " I can 't see it being a grizzly . They run but they don 't run on two legs , and I know it 's not a moose either . " Houston is a forestry , mining and tourism town in the Bulkley Valley of the Northern Interior of British Columbia , Canada . Its urban population is approximately 3500 people , with approximately 2000 in the surrounding rural area . It is known as the " Steelhead Capital " and it has the world 's largest fly fishing rod . Houston 's tourism industry is largely based on eco - tourism and Steelhead Provincial Park , situated along Highway 16 . Also Houston , B . C . is home to HBCC UFO Research . On August 26 , 2008 I took a telephone call from a lady who resides approximately 20 kilometers south from the town of Houston . The lady explained to me that on July 28 , 2008 at 6 : 15 a . m . she had quite the experience . She explained what took place on her acreage just off the Buck Flats Road . On July 28 , 2008 at 6 : 15 a . m . Jenny heard her two dogs scratching at the front door as they wanted to come in , the time was approximately 5 : 45 a . m . Jenny opened the door and let the dogs in , they had something to eat , then went and laid down . One of her dogs laid down in the living room and the other beside Jenny 's bed . Not long after the dogs and their owner settled in , Jenny heard the door knob rattling as if someone was trying to open the door to her home . The two dogs jumped up immediately and headed straight for the front door . Jenny came from her bedroom and was able to see the door knob actually moving . Of course a sudden panic set in , wondering who was trying to come into her home as she knew her son was working the graveyard shift and he wasn 't due home for approximately 2 hours . Her dogs were very excited as they waited at the door , the rattling of the door knob stopped and she waited for a couple of minutes or so and then slowly opened the front door . The dogs almost fell over themselves trying to get outside . Once the door was opened up enough the dogs ran outside and Jenny watched them tear around the side of her home . By the sounds of it , either the dogs heard or smelled something , or possibly both and was hot on whatever , or whomever was at the door a few minutes earlier . As she waited from the front porch , Jenny heard a loud sound coming from her left , which would have been towards the east side of her property and along the fence line . Jenny turned and to her amazement saw what she describes as a Sasquatch / Bigfoot running along side of her property on the other side of the fence line , which separates her property to her neighbors . This would have had the 7 to 8 foot creature running south towards the Buck Flat Road . Where the creature was , it would have been running through very long grass and the land at that point was sloping down from the fence line . The dogs were hot on the creatures trail . One of the dogs did return after a short period of time , but the other dog was gone for approximately three hours . I walked over and stood in the area where Jenny saw the creature . I am 6 foot , one inch in height and she was only able to see the top of my head . But with the creature Jenny was able to observe the chest area and everything above . It was already daylight and Jenny was able to get a good look at the creature . She describes the animal as being brownish in color much like the branch that was sitting in the front of her yard with the leaves being dried up and brown . This was the closet Jenny was able to get when it came to the color of the creature . ( A dried up bunch of leaves . ) Later that day Jenny got up the nerve to go out an investigate the area where she saw the Sasquatch running . She was able to see a pathway through the long grass but she wasn 't sure if this may have been caused by her dogs in hot pursuit of the creature . Jenny did follow the grassy area that was knocked down and did come to a spot where it appeared to look like the Sasquatch may have slipped . All the ground in that area was hard packed , even with all the rain we have had here . But in this one area , it does look like some large and heavy " thing " had slipped on the wet clay / gray muddy area . Also I should point out that the Sasquatch was seen in the area where a possible track was found . This is where the creature would have moved down from the fence line and finally into the forest . When I ( Brian Vike - Director of HBCC UFO Research ) found the possible track , I also followed where the creature had gone , which was away from the fence line and into the forested area . All the land around was rather hard compacted , except for a dried up creek , more of a swampy area which was approximately four feet wide . There again I found that something large and heavy had moved through the area because in one spot where I believe the creature moved through , there was a deep roughed up area . I should also note , there were prints around from cattle , not many , but there were some . I found no other signs of the creature other than the possible track . - Fall 1979 Hazelton - A hunter spotted a black haired Bigfoot watching him from the treeline . When he made a move for his rifle , the creature quickly retreated back into the forest . He said that he could hear the creature making garbled sounds as it moved away from his location . Source : John Green - 1979 Suskwa / Bulkley River - A man and wife are in their trailer when they heard a Bigfoot on the porch . It then runs and jumps the fence . Pulling staples out of the post . Later , holds trailer door closed . - In February , 1969 at Khutze Inlet east of Graham Reach , three hunters were involved in an incident in which a Sasquatch was shot at . The Sasquatch screamed and ran into the woods . No trace of the creature was ever found after it fled . Source : Canada 's Cryptozoology Organization - Third - hand information : two or more Bigfoot were seen at Fulton Lake . These sightings occurred last year , as well as this year . I am waiting to hear from the witness himself . Apparently photos of tracks were taken . Will update this report when new information becomes available . Stay tuned . Trace Unknown is the collection of fieldwork , and research of Barbara Ann Campbell . Her background includes UFO research , alien encounters & abductions , missing & gained time , paranormal , physical landing trace cases , unexplained animal deaths , and Bigfoot . ( NWSURC , SPPRC Inc . , UADR , CPTE , & Trace Unknown . ) In her capacity as forensic researcher , she appeared on MonsterQuest 's Cattle Killers episode . Houston , B . C . Canada - Home of Trace Unknown . There are so many opportunities out here . Houston has not even realised its true potential ! We are looking for the right entrepreneurs . Do you have what it takes ? Third - hand information : two or more Bigfoot were seen at Fulton Lake . These sightings occurred last year , as well as this year . I am wai . . . Coywolves have been seen , but not yet confirmed , in the Evelyn and Moricetown areas , going back to the 1980 's . Coywolf , sometimes called woyote , is an informal term for a canid hybrid descended from coyotes and gray wolves . - Wikipedia . Third - hand information : two or more Bigfoot were seen at Fulton Lake . These sightings occurred last year , as well as this year . I am wai . . . ( Updated ) Possible Bigfoot tracks . Never know , could be moose too . Doug has yet to confirm it , but he says he seen what looked like snows . . .

I arrived home about an hour ago , greeted by a wine - bearing Sage who went to run me a bath . I 'm now wet - haired and dressing - gowned , about to go and sit in front of the fire with my feet up while he cooks my dinner . Which I 'll eat sitting by the fire with my feet up . And then I 'll have an early night , I should think . I 've had a fabulous few days , seen Ziggi , Mig , Barney ( and most of their family ) and Tim , Dodo , Wink , the Bod and his mum and met quite a few delightful cats and dogs , all of which received a cuddle or at least a stroke . I 've eaten a lot of delicious meals and a fair few cakes , as a result of which I hardly fit in my clothes any more ( but it was worth it ) . And I 've driven at least 600 miles and been driven quite a few more and now I need a bit of a rest . See you tomorrow I say , the M25 has come on a bit in the last couple of years . There were great swathes of speed limits for ages , but now we all sweep along at the national speed limit and not an mph more , of course , natch , hem hem , for miles and miles . Anyhoo , I managed 230 miles in less than 4 hours which , considering the total buggerdom of actually getting out of Norfolk is quite an achievement . The Sage is fine , and do bear in mind that he was invited to come along , and actually I asked him to and made it clear that I really would like him to . So if he implies that he is little boy lost at home , that 's not down to me but to him . But , to balance the books , he was so sweet this morning . As you know , it was Elle 's birthday yesterday , but her sister 's present hadn 't arrived yet . So the Sage went down on the bike to the Post Office this morning to pick up the mail before she went to school . Her sister 's package hadn 't arrived but another one had , so that was good , and . . . ooh , I slept in rather badly . I was awake , as so often I am , for hours in the night and the alarm went off - the radio , that is - at 7 . 15 and I listened to the news and then I thought I 'd just sleep for a few more minutes . Yeah right , as the young people say . An hour later . . . And I 've been rushing round like a grizzly bear on heat , if you 'll excuse the expression , and it is honestly better than sitting around because that makes me miserable . But it 's good to switch off and do other things . So that 's what I 'm doing . Posted by Dear oh dear , I 've only just finished the things I droned on about yesterday . And there were various others I didn 't remember to mention , as well as an unscheduled visit to Norwich - well , it involved Pugsley 's birthday presents ( bought and wrapped ) and Elle 's birthday present ( bought , wrapped , given and unwrapped ) . If I have a few minutes , I 'll put up a few pictures in the morning , but I 've got a meeting first thing and am off to visit Wink around lunchtime . I 'm hoping to visit Zig , Mig and Tim ( no , darlings , not Tig ) while I 'm away , as well as Dodo , the centenarian , on her birthday . One of the photos is of me wearing my wedding dress . Not on the day itself , I 'm not sure where those pictures are and haven 't seen them for years . But I carried on wearing it for some years afterwards . You can 't see all of it , I 'm sitting with a baby on my lap . Posting will probably be intermittent for the rest of the week . Otherwise , I have to send some receipts , email two guests coming to a meeting , send an agenda to the clerk ( I 've written the agenda , yay ) , buy birthday presents for Pugsley who will be 6 this weekend - he 's having a brilliant party and I 'm devastated that I won 't be here for it . Someone is coming with a snake and bugs and a tarantula and so on and will show them to the children and let them handle them . Isn 't that the best party ? And make a birthday cake for Elle , whose Happy Day is tomorrow . Right . What can I say that 's interesting ? Oh , I 've remembered something . Not interesting , just peculiar . I mean . . . well , let me tell you and you decide . I went into the card shop to buy birthday cards for Elle , Pugsley and Dora , all of whom have their special days within the next week and , as I came out , the mother of the girl Elle is going to stay with while I will be away was coming in . That is , Elle is staying with the whole family , of course . So we had a chat , agreed on dates and so on , and I said how much we love having her with us . I added that we hope she 's enjoying it too and that there were a dozen of us to supper the other night - Saturday , it must have been - and it was fun because I didn 't know about it until 2 o ' clock and I had to get the meal on the table by 6 because of the five children . And I chattered on and I said Elle probably finds us a bit odd . Well , the Sage anyway , I added cheerily , but by that time she ( the mum ) had already agreed . A bit too quickly really , I thought . I mean , I 'm not odd . Not even a bit . I 'm quite remarkably sensible and entirely conventional in every way . Except for the . . . Well , you know . We don 't talk about that any more . Our friend Sally ( Simon W 's sister , Mike ) used to have a small flock of sheep . She had been brought up on a farm and it was her link to a life she 'd enjoyed . We had a field going spare and , for a few summers , the two ( flock and field ) were put together . Chester 's first surprise was the electric fence . He was so shocked - though not at all hurt - that , after a couple of attempts he kept well away . However , one day we went on to the field - I think it was to group the sheep into a smaller area ready for the shearers - and I took him with me so that he would have a chance to be with the sheep and get used to them . He thought it was great fun when they ran away when he moved towards them and started to chase some lambs . Before I could call him back , one of the ewes moved in , stopped in front of him and looked at him . He halted . And , within a minute , that ewe had , by the power of her look , literally backed him into the corner of the field . He 'd glanced at me for support , but saw it wasn 't forthcoming and he went into the corner and sat down . She looked again . He lay down . A few minutes later , I called him towards me and he got up - and the sheep shot a look and he lay right back down again . When I finally went over to fetch him he came with me , but kept close to me for protection . They were feisty sheep , full of character . The most characterful of them all was called Longlegs , because - well , work it out . She was the only one there with a long tail , too . Usually , a rubber band is put on a lamb 's tail and , as it grows up , the blood supply is cut off and it withers and falls off . Yes , I know , sorry . But sheep are inclined to get any sort of ailment under the sun , including fly strike , and a tail hanging down is more likely to have crevices where the flies can lay . . . okay , that 's enough of that . Anyway , Longlegs , even as a lamb , had managed to avoid the rubber band . She was too independent to be a leader - egregious , you might call her ( outside the flock , if the faint remains of my Latin don 't play me false ) . They were not afraid of dogs and Chester learned manners from that particular sheep ( which didn 't have a name , only Longlegs did ) . At the end of the summer , Sally took the sheep off to her own paddock and the electric fence was taken down , and Chester had the run of the field again . Unfortunately , sheep don 't only get footrot , black udder and fly strike . They also attract ticks , and there were thousands of them in the grass , all waiting to climb on to Chester . I can dispel a few myths . There 's no point in using a burning cigarette or a hot match to kill them . Apart from it scaring the dog and leaving little holes in his fur , the tick is still there , clinging to the skin . It doesn 't let go . Meths doesn 't make it let go . I bought a spray of tickicide from the vet . The sudden puff of icy vapour from the aerosol scared Chester and I couldn 't make him stay still . The only thing that worked was picking them off individually with tweezers . It takes quite some while - overnight , in fact - for a tick to latch on firmly enough that it breaks through the skin , and in that time you can simply pick it off , making sure you get the head so that the mouth isn 't left in the skin , risking infection , and kill it . But Chester had dozens of them on him and I had to run my fingers through his coat to find each one and then make him be still while I picked it off . And when I 'd done , he went outside again and picked up another batch . Honestly , it was a bugger and it went on for - I don 't know , it seems in my memory to have been weeks , and I suppose it was at least two of them . Once , I remember he came in with tiny ticks fringing his ears . He got them between his toes , everywhere . The trickiest to get off , because he disliked the tweezers near his eyes , were on his face . The most disconcerting for both him and me to remove were , I 'm sorry to say , on his scrotum . It was a bonding experience , I will say that . He learned to stay still and stand or lie in the position I told him . But it was one of the more unusual situations of my dog - owning life . The sheep came to us for two or three years , but the first year was the worst , as far as ticks were concerned . In due course , Sally got a job in Norwich and didn 't have time for all the care the sheep needed , so she sold most of them . Longlegs had a home with her for life , of course , and she kept a couple of others so that they would be company for her . Sheep are flock animals ( the exception would be a bottle - fed lamb brought up by humans without other sheep ) and she 'd have been miserable on her own . I 've so many stories of Chester , they 're tumbling about in my mind , wanting to be told . And I 'm going to be away for a few days from Wednesday , so there will probably be a hiatus . Still , here 's one about Chester testing me to find out who was boss . Once he had learned the boundaries , he generally stuck to them and rarely ventured near the road . Of course , like all dogs , he loved to be taken for a walk and if he saw one of us going out on foot he ran along , hoping to be taken too . And if it was convenient , I 'd pick up his lead in the porch and , when he appeared , take him with me . However , if it wasn 't then he was expected to go back home . He found this quite hard to accept . But he did learn to stay to my command and , although sometimes he 'd give up and go back to the house , quite often I 'd return to find him lying at the fork in the drive , waiting for me . My mother walked to the village shop every day with her dog , and of course Chester wanted to go too . But he was crafty . If he appeared when she was still in the drive , she would bring him back ( my mother lived in the granny annexe next door to us ) and shut him in our house . So he waited until she had gone with Bruce , her black labrador cross , round the corner and he judged that she wouldn 't want to turn back , and then appear at her side . She often used to complain about this , but it was only if she came and told me that she was going out that I could call Chester in to the house . And he didn 't get away with it with me , anyway . Even so , once in a while he had a go . He 'd suddenly appear , bouncing up to me with tail wagging , joy in his face . But I 'm hard , darlings , damn hard . I 'd take him back to the garden gate ( the drive is some 100 yards long ) and tell him to go home . His ears would drop , his tail droop and he 'd trail along , looking back every few yards , and I 'd just point . When he got to the fork , I 'd tell him to stay and start walking again . Then I 'd nip back to see if he was still there ( I made sure he didn 't see me ) and , if he was sneaking down the drive again I 'd reappear to point sternly . The thing was , if I 'd once relented then my job would have become way harder , so I never did . If I was going to take him , I 'd say at once , otherwise I 'd not give in . And so , though he did keep testing me for some years , he did accept that I was the leader of the pack . Tomorrow , Chester and the sheep . Posted by My children tell me now that Chester was quite naughty . I never noticed that . He was just right as far as I was concerned , although he was a determined rabbiter and I had to search for him daily , usually having to haul him out of a rabbit hole , where he was digging enthusiastically for bunnies that had long vanished through their boltholes . I remember an autumn when he was a couple of years old and the farmer was cutting the maize crop behind the house . He started from the outside and worked in , so rabbits got trapped in the centre until finally they couldn 't stand the suspense any longer and made a run for it . Chester ran too , caught and killed a rabbit and then chased another . I still remember the look of bewilderment on his face when he caught up and realised that he couldn 't hold two rabbits in his mouth . He let go of the first , caught the second , and then was quite disgusted when I 'd not only laid claim to the original rabbit but insisted he gave me the second one too . We cooked them both for him to eat , mind you . Towards the end of his life he became much more indulgent , by the way . He used to sit watching a family of baby bunnies play in the sun . And he never went for the chickens , he understood that no bird was fair game to him . It was my friend Jackie who trained him more than I did , however . She used to walk her dogs on the field behind ours and Chester went to greet them . He tagged along on their walk and , when they got back to the road , Jackie produced some dog biscuits . All dogs sat and received their biscuits . Then she told Chester to go home . He was quite reluctant , but she persisted . And , finally , off home he trotted . We brought Chester home a week before Christmas . That is , we brought the puppy home . I can 't remember the exact point at which he received his name . I suggested Zebedee , after the springy " time for bed " character from The Magic Roundabout . That went down well except that Weeza wanted it shortened to Zeb and I only liked Zebedee . So , unable to agree , we looked elsewhere . I can 't remember the alternatives we came up with , but it was Weeza who suggested Chester and we all liked that . We made up a bed near the Aga and set up barriers so that , whilst he had plenty of space to move , he didn 't have the run of the kitchen . And the first night , he cried . So I went downstairs , cleaned up , cuddled and comforted him and went back to bed . Several times . The second and third nights , the same . And then we dismantled the barriers and let him have the run of the kitchen and there was no more crying . He was quite happy . Christmas was quite special that year . We devoted our time to the puppy . We wrapped presents for him , probably a few toys , a few biscuits , a couple of hide chews and so on . He loved unwrapping his presents . He adored seeing us unwrap our presents . He loved the excitement . He wasn 't too bothered about the contents of the parcels and we soon realised that all we needed to do was wrap one of his presents in another piece of paper ( as soon as something was unwrapped from it ) and give it to him again for it to be received with total joy . He was excited about Christmas every year , he loved it all his life and enjoyed opening the same presents over and over again . We used to weigh him every week , in a shopping basket . The weights are still on the tall scales in the porch , written down by the Sage . He was duly registered at the vets and received his vaccinations and was eventually cleared to be taken out for walks in public . Ro was at the village school and we walked there every day . Chester loved children , right from the start . My friend Bobbie ( whom Mike , Ann and Tim stayed with over the time of the blog party ) also had her children at the school and she took Figgy , a few months older than Chester . We often took the two dogs for a run across the fields . Our garden is surrounded by fields and Chester had to learn where our boundaries finished and , in particular , that he mustn 't go on the road . It wasn 't possible to fence the whole place off so , if he was not to be only walked on the lead , he had to be taught good enough behaviour . Good enough is the key . It rather sums me up . Here are the boundaries , do what you like within them . It 's not that I don 't have limits and it 's known when they 've been crossed . But I 'm very relaxed up to that point . Posted by It took the best part of four years to get the Sage to agree to have another dog . Mind you , there 's an 8 year gap between Al and Ro , so it can be seen that patience ( mine ) pays off . And then I relaxed , feeling that the right puppy would find us . I put the word out among friends . I wanted a mongrel puppy , wasn 't too fussy about the parentage , though it had to be good with children . And one day I was invited to a coffee morning by my friend Denise . It was a charity thing - one person invited 8 people , each of them invited 4 , they invited 2 and they invited 1 , each host paying something , can 't remember what , to the designated charity . Bridget and I were the 2 - I simply paid my amount to the charity , I wasn 't going to invite a single friend round and ask her to pay for it . Anyway , I told them about my puppy - hunt and Bridget said that the delivery driver who brought their horse feed had said that their bitch had three week old puppies . She was a Bearded Collie , the father was an Irish ( Red ) Setter . It sounded ideal . Bridget and her husband were interested too , and I asked her to give the driver my number . And the next day , his wife Zoë phoned . She invited us to see the puppies and we were off within minutes . On the way , I said to the Sage that , if there was a blond boy , that 's what I 'd like best , but I thought we 'd know the one . And he agreed . And Zoë took us in to her back room and there was the mother - crumbs , I can 't think of her name . . . Finty ? No , but I 'm not miles out , I 'll come back to you on that . Rusty was the father , that I do remember . There were 8 puppies , 3 blond ( all boys ) and 5 black ( some male , some female ) . They wanted to keep the biggest blond boy but we had the pick of the rest . I picked him instantly but didn 't say and the Sage said the same one . He and his brother were exactly the same except that ours had a faint almost heart - shaped white mark on his head . Zoë was very welcoming and didn 't mind us bringing the children to visit the pups at the weekend . She and her husband had two sons , the elder Ro 's age and the other ( who was , tragically , killed in a car accident three or four years ago ) a couple of years younger . Have you ever handled young puppies ? That puppy smell ? Oh , it 's marvellous . Milk - fed puppies , warm and cuddly , with puppy - breath and soft paws , wriggling in your arms and squirming round to lick your hands . I had to stop and go away for a few minutes then , too much longing . Pulled together again . Anyway , they had been born on 17th October , so they 'd be old enough to leave their mother in mid - December . . . a puppy is for life not just for Christmas ? We wanted this puppy too much , we agreed with the children that we 'd have a quiet Christmas and give plenty of time to the dog . It was so tempting to go round every day , but we resisted and visited once a week . They were so adorable . Bridget had a black boy , by the way , who grew up looking like his mother , shaggy . They called him Harvey . Chester had long hair but it was straight and sleek , like a golden retriever or a red setter - in colour , as he grew up , it was mid - way between the two . Sort of orange , actually . I had a rotten night but a really good day . I was so tired I went to bed early and was wide awake soon after midnight . I had less than an hour 's sleep after that . In the end , I cried . Honestly , darlings , I was that pathetic . I had to go to the bathroom for some tissues because wiping my eyes on the pillowcase wasn 't good enough and even I 'm not going to blow my nose on the sheet . Anyway , things improved once I gave up and got up , and I texted Ro to see if he 'd like to take me out to lunch . And , dear boy , he said yes . So off I went to my Nadfas lecture , which was jolly good . Really excellent . The lecturer is not a young woman - well over 70 at the least , but I 've heard her several times over the years and she hasn 't lost her touch one bit . This time it was about Diaghilev and the Ballets Russes . And it wasn 't just the lecture that was brilliant either . I arrived , signed in and was heading off to the auditorium to find a seat when the new Chairman came along . Her face lit up and she came to hug me and I felt so welcome that , in my overtired state , I nearly got weepy again ( but didn 't actually , because I 'm not a girly ) and I wished her well ( because it was her first time as Chairman ) and then the last Chairman before me came along and we all had a happy few minutes . I saw several other friends too after the lecture and can 't think how I was daft enough to put obligations before enjoyment over the past year and only got to one lecture . Do remind me , won 't you ? Fun comes first . We went for lunch at the new J @ m1e 0l1ver Italian restaurant . I had spaghetti with vongole , Ro black spaghetti with scallops , both very nice . We were amused by the waitress 's spiel and by the group of yummy mummies that came in , but it was a good cheerful atmosphere , if a bit " hi , my name 's Laura and I 'm your new best friend and these are our specials " formula - but better than being slapped in the face with last week 's kipper and , as I say , the food was good which is the main thing . And it was my birthday ( you know , the one I decided to ignore ) treat , so Ro paid , which was jolly generous considering he 's got to find a deposit to buy a house within weeks . I still have to go back and finish my dog posts . I nearly got as far as Chester , didn 't I ? Tomorrow , darlings . Posted by We 've had a young sixth - former staying with us for the past ten days and I 'm not sure for how much longer . She 's daughter of friends of friends , lives in Berlin and , in Germany , they have the most enlightened option that students can opt to take their A Level equivalent in three years instead of two and spend half of the first year abroad , attending school and living with a family . This all worked out famously except that I didn 't know a suitable family . So , if she finds someone she would like to stay with and the parents agree , she will move out , but she 's welcome here until then . It 's a lot of fun , having a teenager in the house again . And the Sage and I have upped our game considerably . Instead of eating breakfast on the hoof , we sit at the dining table ( I 'm putting on weight already ) and we sit longer over dinner , chatting , as well . She 's delightful company and kindly overlooks our elderly , dull demeanour . She helps with the cooking and is no trouble at all . She has her own laptop , but unfortunately it 's rather an old one and the DVD player doesn 't work any more . So she borrowed my Mac at the weekend to watch the films she had bought . Which was such fun that she appeared hopefully at my elbow an hour ago . . . " um , Z , can I ask you something ? " " You 'd like to borrow my computer again ? Okay , give me five minutes to finish this , then I 've got several Scrabble games I haven 't played for the last three days . " In fact , I 'm going to be away for a few days soon because a friend is celebrating her 100th birthday and I have been invited for tea - she doesn 't want to have a party . Her younger sister died last month which is a great sadness for her , of course , and she would like her friends and family to call in a few at a time . She still lives by herself in her own home and is remarkably well and totally together mentally . So I 'll go and stay with Wink , visit Dodo ( yes , really ) and maybe see if a blogger or two in the Wiltshire and way home from Wiltshire direction might be available for a visit ? The birthday is the 27th and I 'll stay for a day or two after that . And all we have to do is find Elle a place to stay while I 'm away . Obviously , she can 't stay here with the Sage . There is a possibility though , and whilst Elle is speaking to the daughter , I will drop an email to her parents , whom I know . Posted by It 's been quite busy here for the last few days what with guests staying and the Sage 's sale on Friday night . So I 'm sorry I haven 't been around - actually , I lent my computer to one of our guests , who is still here and I must tell you all about it soon . I 'll have it back tomorrow , at least for a few days , so I 'll be able to catch up with things . Actually , I 'm having a great time . Ro and Dora came over to supper last night , it 's all been very sociable and you do know how much I like being sociable . Several weeks of meetings start on Wednesday , and you also know that being busy is good for me . Because otherwise I worry , even if I have nothing to worry about . I haven 't read any blogs for a few days , so I do hope that all is well with you . I have at least been dipping into Google + and Facebook , so I 've seen a few of you . I 've just check Google Reader though and there are 295 unread posts . Oh dear . It 'll take a while to say hello to everyone individually , so it 'll have to be HELLO from here instead for now . Those of you who have visited us know that we have various outbuildings . Hardly anything of mine is in any of them , but the Sage has them piled high with Stuff . I 've no idea what most of it is . Years ago - at least 15 years , I should think , when they were more useful buildings because you could get in the doors and do things once you were inside , the Sage had taken a pair of oil paintings down there because he was going to take them out of their frames because the glass was dirty on the inside and he wanted to clean it . Having taken them there , he left them for a few weeks , as you do , and when he went and looked again , one was missing . He looked around and was quite sure that a few other things were missing too . Our house is well off the road and there didn 't seem much likelihood of the police catching anyone in the act , so the Sage set a trap . It took him a few days to plan and implement it , and in that time we were burgled again - it seemed that it was always on the same night of the week . He didn 't want to physically catch the person , of course , just to be alerted , and please excuse me if I don 't tell you just what he did , just in case we ever have occasion to do it again . The next week ( there was still plenty of stuff in the workshop ) we were woken by the alarm , which didn 't alert anyone else . The Sage phoned the police and said he 'd meet them at the road , please don 't drive to the house . I sat by the open window and listened . This guy was pretty good , I can tell you . It 's a gravelled area and I never heard a sound except once , when there was a crack of glass breaking ( which turned out to be the glass in the other painting , which he 'd accidentally knocked against something ) . The Sage was gone ages and I was really quite anxious . Eventually he arrived back again and explained that the police car had arrived with one person in ( to make sure we were all right ) but that he wasn 't allowed to go off in search of the burglar without reinforcements . Just as well that the reinforcements included a dog , because the man had long gone . Indeed , he was back in bed and asleep when there was a knock at his door . The Aladdin 's Cave cliché comes to mind - we weren 't the only people he 'd been stealing from and he 'd got all the goods piled up in the caravan where he lived . He 'd walked across the field and got into our garden from there . In due course , we were invited to the police station to identify and reclaim our stuff and the man went to prison - he had a lengthy police record . We heard that he spoke respectfully of the Sage to someone he knew . He had no idea how he 'd been found , but quite admired the person who 'd outwitted him . There 's a follow - up to this story . Several years later , he went for a few drinks at a pub in the town and afterwards phoned for a taxi home ( he lived in another village five or six miles away by then ) . The taxi didn 't arrive so he decided to walk . He 'd walked the mile to here , then a couple of miles along the main road before turning off towards his village - it 's an unlit country road and it was late at night . Sometime later , early next morning , he was found , victim of a hit and run accident . Whoever accidentally ( no reason to think it was anything else ) killed him was never found . Posted by I don 't know how to make header pictures smaller , that 's a startlingly large cockerel ( I didn 't abbreviate , I don 't want to disappoint people looking for interesting photos through a search engine ) . But I 'm hoping to encourage the chickens . Not that our chickens read this blog as far as I know , but I 'll tell them about it . The chickens are moulting and we 're hardly getting any eggs . Those which do lay are hiding their eggs so successfully that the Sage can 't find them . The only ones whose eggs are available are the young pullets , a few months old who are coming into lay - the eggs are small but gladly received into the Z kitchen . Ooh , I just saw a policeman outside , so went to investigate . And I say , what jolly good service ! He and a colleague are going round the entire village to tell people that there have been some burglaries - we 'd heard about them actually , it 's not major crime but a spate of sneak thieving , opportunistic stuff . So the police are handing out letters with advice and having a word to advise locking up tools and so on . We do , actually , all our outbuildings are kept locked with substantial padlocks because at one time the Sage 's parents had some trouble and they made everything secure and we 've kept it that way . Anyway , this extraordinarily young police officer - I swear he 's young enough to be my grandson - says that they 're doing extra patrols , day and night , and making every effort to catch the thieves . Really , isn 't that awfully good of them ? I mean , obviously they should , but to come round and tell us about it too . This is an area where there 's very low crime , so obviously they want to keep it that way . Yes , mice . We don 't get great problems with them , but we do have to be fairly vigilant . I 'm afraid we don 't go down the live trap route . They 're mice . There are thousands of them , quite a number killed by owls , stoats and so on in the fields around us every night and I have to admit that we harden our hearts and set traps . This isn 't to say that I 'd kill a mouse personally . Is this hypocritical ? I don 't know . Anyway , I have caught a few personally , with my own bare hands ( and then had to wash rather thoroughly afterwards because mice smell of mouse wee and so do you after you 've handled one ) . Before my mother lived next door to us - goodness , I 'm going back nearly 30 years now - she lived in a lovely Georgian house with a conservatory along its length . There was a raised bed against the house wall and geraniums grew in it , that flowered nearly all year round . Once a mouse set up home in that bed and you could see the little paths it made . It wasn 't really doing any harm , but mice don 't stay single for long and it was sure to find a wife and raise a large family , so it had to go . And one day , I saw it scurry along its little path and I cornered it . It waved its front paws at me , though not in a cheery way , and I grabbed it . It closed its eyes tight and bit my finger , which was quite good really as it meant it wasn 't likely to try to get away and I stalked out into the garden , through the kitchen garden and into the paddock beyond and let it go . There were little bite marks on my finger but it hadn 't broken the skin . I still washed with disinfectant . Some years later , at about this time of year , we 'd left the side door open as we tend to do a lot during the summer . That is , we used to . Now we 're more likely to shut it so that we don 't get taken over by chickens in the house as well as out of doors . And I spotted a mouse scuttling in the door , round the corner and into the sitting room . I pursued it - well , I took Tilly with me and suggested she might like to catch it , but the little dog didn 't notice the mouse and , well , she was not much use . The mouse was still running along the skirting board , so I took a big soft cushion off the sofa and dropped it on the mouse . Then of course I had to reach under the cushion to find it . I felt quite brave at that moment actually , though really it was no contest . In a head to head confrontation I was going to win , frankly . And so I picked it up , took it across the field and let it go . This isn 't very dramatic , is it ? I 've also caught a few incautious ones that found themselves trapped in receptacles , such as Sunday 's paper bag incident , but the end of the story is always me releasing it unharmed . Once , Al was in his garden when he saw the ground move . As the mole 's head emerged from its hole , he whisked it out with a broom , scooped it into a bucket and - well , he walked down the lane , over the bridge to the other side of the river before letting that one go . He reckoned that if there was deep enough water between it and us , there was a chance it wouldn 't return . Our guest needed to do a bit of shopping yesterday and we decided to head for Lowestoft and take a stroll along the beach afterwards . When we arrived , people were standing all along the side of the road . So we parked , went to join them and asked what was happening . It was the Tour de Lowestoft ! Or at any rate , the first leg of the Tour of Britain , and we were told the leaders would be along any minute . And so they were , preceded by a lot of police motorbikes . Four cyclists went swooping past - I was too busy clapping to take any photos of them as they went past and my friend said they were so fast that she didn 't catch them - and a few minutes later a whole lot more police motorbikes came by ( we wondered why so many were required ) followed by lots of cyclists , and then a whole lot of cars with spare bikes and bike parts on the roofs . I 've no idea why the four were several minutes out in front . Anyway , it was brilliant , quite exciting and particularly as we hadn 't realised it was happening . I spent Friday evening babysitting for Phil and Weeza so that they could go out to celebrate Phil 's birthday , stayed overnight and then hung around the next day because I was picking someone up from the station in the afternoon and it hardly seemed worth coming home . A bit of a mishap in the morning , however . I 'd forgotten to take my contact lens cleaning solution , so left it in a little dish of boiled water overnight and , putting it in the next day , it whisked itself to the back of my eye and there it stayed . It wasn 't painful but it was uncomfortable and there wasn 't a thing I could do to get it out again . Fortunately , wearing brown - tinted sunglasses helps my eyesight enough to enable me to drive ( I 'm slightly short - sighted , borderline for driving in the day ) because I hadn 't taken a pair of glasses with me - I must remember to put my glasses in the car for emergencies , because I never use them at home . The lens reappeared within minutes of my arrival home . Bothersome thing . In the night , the Sage got out of bed , which woke me as the burglar alarm going off had not , although I could hear it in my sleep . " It 'll be a mouse , " we agreed resignedly , and certainly we were not being burgled . The alternative possibility is a spider running over the sensor , but a mouse is the more likely . And then I was sitting in my study at about 7 am when I heard rustling behind me , and recognised the sound of a mouse . Another mouse probably , the door is shut overnight and there isn 't a sensor in here . I decided to ignore it for the time being . But it kept on and on rustling and in the end I investigated . I turned on a torch app on my phone ( I don 't bother with a torch , a compass , a map , a diary , a wristwatch - there 's an app for everything ) and peered into the corner , but couldn 't see anything . Then I noticed a gift bag on the floor which contained a carton of Celebrations chocolate . I can 't remember when we were given them , but they hadn 't been opened . That is , they hadn 't been until recently , when a dear little mouse had gnawed its way through the bottom of the pack . But the inside of the bag was too smooth for it to eat its way out and it was stuck . We looked at each other and it cowered . I picked up the bag , fetched my handbag and my bike and cycled off to church . I let it out in the churchyard . I 'm sure it will be happy , as a church mouse . This house is by no means overrun with mice , but it 's impossible to keep them out all the time , though we 're not bothered by them in the summer . There are little crevices , small gaps they can creep in through and this is the time of year when they 're looking for a safe home for the winter . I 'm afraid they won 't find one here . Posted by I 've made myself sound like an ungainly freak , haven 't I . I didn 't feel any self - loathing at the time , but looking back I see that I lived in my own little world . I seemed quite normal , just was shy and quiet . I 've said this before - it was when a teacher mentioned that he had been born middle - aged that I realised that it 's not necessarily possible to feel comfortable at the age you are , you may just not have reached your natural age yet , and this was quite reassuring . Maybe this feeling that I was older than my years , in combination with the sudden death of my father when I was 16 , prompted my early marriage at the age of 19 . I did feel , when my father died , that I suddenly grew up and wasn 't carefree any more . Then , once I had a child to look after , I had to push myself to do things that I 'd previously been too shy to do , contact people rather than wait for them and so on . I was still uncertain though , if the Sage and I wanted to invite people round for a meal I made him telephone them . I was sure they 'd not want to come to see me , or that I 'd be interrupting something with a call . I did have a mild phone phobia for a long time , actually , that took ages to get over . It wasn 't until I reached the age of 30 that I finally felt that I was comfortable in my skin . I remember feeling that I 'd grown up . Not long after that , we moved to this house . Ro was just 2 years old then . I had to make a new circle of friends , and I was determined to do so . I was lucky in fact , the mother and toddler group was just relaunching itself and I quickly met someone who was holding a coffee morning for mums to meet each other and to raise some money for craft equipment and so on , and she asked me along . " Next Tuesday , " she said . This was a Sunday . Afterwards , I wondered which Tuesday she had meant . Two days later or a week and two days . I was very anxious about turning up at all , but I was determined to be brave and went along to her house on the first Tuesday . And no one was there . So it was the next week . I felt even more nervous that time , but it all went fine of course , and Ro and I joined the group and I quickly made friends with several people about my age and with similar interests - I was lucky indeed . What stopped me being shy was the realisation that I wasn 't lacking a sense of self - worth but actually had too much of it . I convinced myself that I was proud , arrogant and that was the trouble , that I was afraid of making a mistake or not doing something well enough and that made me not try it at all . And it was a sudden joy to realise that I didn 't matter at all , most people don 't judge you , many of them are shy too . So , I do have a fair bit of self - confidence , but actually it 's self - acceptance . It 's not that I think I do things particularly well , though I do sometimes , but I 'll generally have a go and not be afraid to fail or make a fool of myself . And if I do , just get over it . The other thing was that I realised that feeling too awkward to engage with people just made me look as though I wasn 't interested in them rather than believing , as I did , that they would not be interested in me . I can see myself in the young Z and she in me , but there are so many differences that sometimes it 's hard to believe we 're the same person . Posted by Well , mother . That is , childhood shapes the adult , of course . And yet , I have changed hugely , I 'm very different from child Z . My childhood could almost be defined by my shyness and general bewilderment . I never understood how others could seem so confident , make friends easily when I had such little self - confidence that I never , throughout my childhood , referred to anyone as a friend . Pathetically , I was afraid that the person might correct me , would scoff at the thought of me calling them friend . Even more pathetically , I very rarely called anyone by their name , just in case I got it wrong . Susan might have decided to be called Sue , or her name really be Sarah and I 'd forgotten . Yes , I know . Two things - one , what a drip / poor confused idiot child . Two , blimey I 've changed . You 're right in both respects . My mother told me that I was a normally outgoing toddler until someone called at the hotel - she was a sales rep for china and glass and lived in a flat on Bournemouth seafront . Although their connection was originally business , she and my parents became friends and on this occasion she came to lunch . Apparently , she burst into the room where I was sitting and came to sweep me into her arms . I was terrified and , to the embarrassment of the friend and my mother , cried inconsolably and had to be given lunch in another room as I wouldn 't come to the table . And my mother said that I never got over it . Now , looking back , I can see that she shouldn 't have let me get away with it , that this behaviour was allowed to get embedded and it became impossible to alter , but it was understandable that she did . I was sweet and biddable and we adored each other and it was probably only too easy to baby me a bit too much . I was also , however , very strong - willed at the bottom of it all . There are various childhood anecdotes about my father and Al is the same - good - natured and willing to go along with a great deal , but when you get to the sticking point , we don 't give in . At home , I was happy and confident , if rather solitary and bookish . Wink is several years older than I am and I was used to my own company . I did have friends , usually two or three rather than a bigger group . I can 't have been very rewarding to teach , once I went to school . Although I could express myself eloquently on paper , I contributed nothing verbally to lessons . I was afraid of getting it wrong and being laughed at and , later , too selfish to contribute to a discussion , reckoning that I 'd get more credit for writing an idea down than offering it to the group . I tended , and still do , to come up with a quirky angle on a subject . I would talk to a teacher one - to - one , but there were usually a couple of people bursting with ideas in a general discussion and , even if I 'd have been willing to offer anything , I 'd not have bothered to try to assert myself . In the way of shy people , I was confident when acting a part - what a pity that my secondary school didn 't do much in the way of acting . It could have done me a lot of good . There was a certain amount of musical performance , but I loathed that . I played the piano reasonably competently , but tended to fall apart if anyone was listening other than my teacher . I couldn 't sing in public , if I thought there was any danger that anyone might pick my voice out among the others then I would mouth the words and make no sound . I was no good at games . Small , not very fast ( I woIt was daft , I was so distant from things , not just people . I was more likely to read about wild flowers than to go out and look at them . I had a lot of armchair knowledge but little practical experience . I was an odd child . I 'm not sure if I 've ever told you about the fireworks at Oulton Broad . There was a week - long Regatta in the summer , with yacht races every day and amusements on the park . Our house was right opposite the park , on the other side of the Broad . On the Thursday and the next Monday , which was the Bank Holiday , firework displays were held , and the bottom of our garden was the ideal place for them to be staged . It was also , of course , the ideal excuse for a party , and so my parents held one every year . In due course , I might as well say now , the Thursday firework display was discontinued on grounds of cost , but I expect the Monday one still takes place , though I don 't know the arrangements nowadays . On that Monday evening , to celebrate the end of the Regatta , there was the burning of the Golden Galleon , and this event caused me some nervousness for a few years in my childhood . You see , once someone told me that the way the Golden Galleon was selected was that they looked for the scruffiest boat on the river and chose that to burn . We had a rather dilapidated boat at the time , and I was sure it would be picked . We did lose that boat in the end , in fact , during a storm it broke loose from its moorings and was swept down to the lock gates where it crashed and sank . I don 't know if it was insured , let 's hope so . It was a spectacular display , back in the old days . There were two or three set pieces , one was Golden Rain , where there was a wire set up between two poles and the sparkles dropped like rain . I know , a slightly different connotation nowadays , perhaps ? - it was a more innocent time . The final display , on the Thursday , said " GOOD NIGHT " and on the Monday , " GOD SAVE THE QUEEN " - which I very much doubt is the case now . My mother held coffee mornings and garden parties for charity , they were quite big events . The garden was big enough for lots of stalls and games . I usually , at these garden parties , got roped in to do something when I was little , which I didn 't care for at all , being terribly shy . Winsome little girls were either sent out with baskets of posies to sell or else had lots of handkerchiefs pinned to their dress , which the ladies could buy and unpin . I remember twins a year younger than I who were always up for this sort of thing , which was a good job because , although I was generally quite biddable , I 'd do nothing at all as a sales pitch and buyers had to search me out . I 've mentioned before how hard my mother worked , but she didn 't do it all on her own . On the day before the event , or sometimes on the same day , a group of her friends would come along and get stuck in and help finish the preparations . It was known as ' the party to get ready for the party . ' It was a lot of fun , you know . I 'm still not entirely sure whether these memories are making me happy or melancholy for what 's long gone . With the closure of the middle schools and the country running out of money , we gained several hundred more pupils but were not able to do any building to accommodate them . So we took on our town 's middle school and have turned it into a sixth form college ( still part of the school with the same teachers ) and took the younger pupils in to the main school building . We 're still overcrowded though . Not only are there more children in school but they all are being taught for every lesson , whereas the sixth formers have a lot more study periods . The meetings rooms are going to have to be used as classrooms quite often and we 'll have governors ' meetings at the sixth form centre . Standing there in the hall looking at them all was quite something . They fitted in quite well at the end of last year ( they joined the school for the last two weeks of term ) but some of them have grown during the summer . It 'll be very crowded by next July . I felt a twinge of pride , I admit , not that I can take any credit - but then , there have been enough people saying how proud they 've felt during the Olympics who were armchair viewers , so plenty of you know what I mean . " You didn 't sign up for this , " I murmured to the Head - there were about 950 pupils when he started here , now it 's around 1 , 300 . I 'm going to be busy this year . That is very good for me . I need a spur , things in my diary , deadlines , a feeling that I 'm useful . My mother used to say , in her later years , that she missed feeling useful , although by then she had neither the health nor the inclination to take on voluntary work any more . I suppose that will come to me too , if I live as long as she did ( which was 79 , far longer than anyone else in the family , so odds are against ) . The Head and I took a stroll round the school and came across a member of staff on her own in a room folding curtains to take to another room . She is over 7 months pregnant with her first baby . " You aren 't going to hang those , are you ? " asked the Head suspiciously . " No , of course not . Well , not while anyone 's watching . " He eyed her , hoping she was joking . " Are you still running ? " " Yes , not far , only about 4 miles a day . " This is the woman who ( and I 'm sure I blogged it ) took part in a charity marathon a few years ago . When she got to the end of the course , she still had a fair bit of energy left , so she went and jogged round it again . Posted by I know , darlings , you thought the Royal Mail had cancelled the second daily post . Well , I 'm not royal and I 'm not male , so it doesn 't apply to me . And here is a picture of Martina 's standard poodle pup , Kipper , named after Kipper Catchpole , brother of Huckleberry and beloved dog of my childhood . Isn 't she adorable ? Martina sent another couple of pictures too , one with a toy and one looking very puppyish and cute . I 've added them to my folder of desktop photos , which changes randomly every 15 minutes and which gives me a lot of pleasure . I have far too short an attention span to have just one background photo . And since a couple of you seem to see a resemblance between my mum and me , I 've just taken a picture of myself on my phone . I 'm a lot older now than she was then , of course , some 20 years . Okay , I 'm making excuses . Oh , and I see some of you have already read the previous post . I 've added a link to the Birth of Ro . Not gory , honestly . The Sage was giving a talk on L0west0ft Ch1na in the town of the same name this morning , so we drove over fairly early , to allow us time to find the venue . We both used to live there and knew it extremely well , but in the last 25 years they have done so much road building , and made so many streets one - way or cul de sacs that it can be quite tricky to find your way about . As the club members started to arrive , we saw several people we knew from way back , which was an unexpected bonus . Then a woman introduced herself to me and said that she had been the midwife when my daughter was born . A few checkings of dates and I corrected her to son , which she queried ( honestly , Ro , you 've been a boy since day one ) , but I was so pleased to see her . I wonder if I 've described the day Ro was born ? I 'll have to look * . Don 't worry , I don 't do gory details unless I 'm having my hip bone removed . Ooh , that reminds me , I 'm having an operation before too long , I hope . Not on my hip . I 'll tell you about it in due course , no problems at all , quite trivial . So I pottered around Low ' stoft for a bit and bought cherries , Victoria plums ( I doubt they were English , the crop has been poor this year and these were large and luscious ) and the first Kent cobnuts of the season . Woo - hoo ! I know plums and cobs mean autumn , but in a good way . The success story of the summer , by the way , has been the new flowerbed by The Wall . Thanks to the rain , I 've hardly watered it at all and the chickens have largely kept the weeds at bay apart from nettles . I 'm enjoying having flowers , having grown vegetables almost exclusively for a number of years , and I 'm wondering if it 's worth the bother of growing many veggies next year when I 've got such a good greengrocer in town . This hasn 't been a good year of course , but I 've lost heart anyway and don 't enjoy it any more . I love having the flowers to look at out of my study window , though . I must be getting soft in my old age . Though slightly too soft in one way . I weeded it thoroughly yesterday and , although I wore gloves ( I rarely wear gardening gloves , I 'm the down and dirty type ) , I had a lot of nettle stings . Anthisan cream doesn 't work on nettle stings , by the way . I 'm still a bit tingly . One thing that 's always been a plus is that every dog we 've ever had has been completely trustworthy around children - all people , in fact , but they all loved children and were very good with them . When we lived at the Old Rectory we were very close to the sea and , although dogs weren 't allowed on the beach in the summer season , Simon loved a run on the beach during the rest of the year . I remember him running ahead , dashing down the path - it was a broad slope suitable for maintenance vehicles that we usually used , although there were steeper steps down from the cliff too - and running along by the water 's edge . There were often fishermen and you had to keep an eye on him so that he didn 't annoy them by running into their line , rummaging in their bait - box - or worse , finding a stray hook with some bait on it . It was lovely to have a dog again , I 'd really missed it . Having always had dogs sleeping on my bed before I got married , however , I wasn 't going to have that happen again , I put my husband first ! Simon had a bed ( a dog bed , darlings , not a full - size one ) downstairs . He was always very good when we were out , didn 't misbehave . . . that we knew of . However , one day I got up late for some reason , maybe I wasn 't well , and the rest of the family went off out in the car . I heard a howling sound and got up and peered round the stairs . There was a half - landing with a big window into the porch five stairs up and Simon was sitting on it , looking out of the window and singing . Yowling . " Ahem , " I said and he jumped and looked extremely embarrassed . He was very pleased when Ro was born , enjoying having a baby in the house . He must have been at least ten years old by then , maybe twelve and we moved to this house two years later and so there were no problems with him wanting to run off across the fields chasing rabbits , old boy that he was . I don 't think he lived more than about another year here though , as he developed prostate problems and eventually we had to call the vet in . The Sage and I both cried when he died , and I remember apologising to the vet for bothering him , oddly enough . The Sage didn 't want another dog . He said that it was so painful when you lost him . I pointed out the benefits of the ten or fifteen years in between , that it was no argument against having a pet that one day it would die . You could say that about any relationship . But it took four years for him to give in and agree . Well , three and a half . And then I put the word about that I was looking for a puppy and waited for Fate to call at my door . As it were . I have written about buying the Old Rectory , though I might say more at some time , whilst I 'm on this full - time looking back jag . It was in July 06 - Wendz , we were already friends then , though you used a different name to blog with . Pat , you left a comment too - you were my first ever blog friend , of course . Here is the post if you 'd like to look it up , though I don 't blame you if you don 't , I only occasionally follow links . So , Simon . He was a fairly large dog , a short haired black coat with tan markings - not unlike a Rottweiler , but much less heavily built . He was a very easy , good - natured dog , rarely misbehaved , and this led me to assume that he would never do so . One Christmas Eve , we were invited to my mother 's house . I went first with the children ( this would have been before Ro came along ) and the Sage was due to arrive at a certain time . . . he didn 't . He was very late , over an hour late and I was quite anxious . Finally , he turned up and I didn 't get cross . I asked . Good move , darlings , I recommend . Because he had arrived home to change and found a touch of chaos in the hall . We had a great big Christmas tree , you see , that reached up to and beyond the top of the banisters in the landing above ( does bannisters have one or two n 's ? Both seem correct , according to the spellcheck , but one n looks right to me ) , and I 'd put the presents we 'd received under it . And evidently , one of them was a sizeable Stilton cheese and Simon had smelt it and thought , jolly good , that must be my prezzie and surely no one will mind if I open it just a few hours early ? He 'd scoffed the lot . Apart from what he 'd mashed into the rug , which was a fair bit . He 'd probably eaten two or three pounds of ripe blue cheese though . The aftermath . . . we shut Simon in the back scullery for the next three nights in case of repercussions . But there were none . No squits or sickness , just a happy and healthy dog with a remarkably glossy coat . Stilton . Good for dogs . Before I move on , I 've just remembered something I meant to say about Cleo , which was that she was allergic to fleas . The dogs rarely caught fleas actually , only Simon and Huck went out of the garden except on a lead and the only animals in the garden with fleas were hedgehogs . I remember one time opening the window to let Huck in and he seemed to have a football in his mouth . It turned out to be a huge hedgehog covered in fleas which he put down on the rug . One of us had to go and find a box , it was rolled in using the poker and shovel and taken right back out again . Then we had to de - flea Huck . Anyway , Cleo had some irritated - looking ( yes , they frowned and gnashed their teeth ) lumps on her stomach and we took her to the vet , and it was a flea allergy . We were given a powder to put on her to soothe them which had to be mixed into a paste with water . And then there was a bottle of Gentian Violet to paint on her too - fortunately , she was a black dog so it didn 't look too awful . A year or so later , she started to show signs of another attack , so we went to the chemist for the Gentian Violet and dabbed it on her . She got up and had a good shake and it went everywhere - all over the floor and the kitchen cabinets . A drawer of the dresser was partly open and it covered everything in there . We wiped it all up of course , but we carried on finding spots of violet for several years . In the end , she didn 't get better and we had to take her back to the vet and it turned out that there was something else in with the Gentian Violet to do the good . So at last the Sage and I had a dog of our own . We lived in a lovely house then . I first saw it soon after Al was born and we were staying with my mother and stepfather . The Sage suggested a short outing to see a house he was selling at auction the next day . I walked in the door and staggered slightly . " Can we buy it ? " I said . So we did . Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ?

I arrived home about an hour ago , greeted by a wine - bearing Sage who went to run me a bath . I 'm now wet - haired and dressing - gowned , about to go and sit in front of the fire with my feet up while he cooks my dinner . Which I 'll eat sitting by the fire with my feet up . And then I 'll have an early night , I should think . I 've had a fabulous few days , seen Ziggi , Mig , Barney ( and most of their family ) and Tim , Dodo , Wink , the Bod and his mum and met quite a few delightful cats and dogs , all of which received a cuddle or at least a stroke . I 've eaten a lot of delicious meals and a fair few cakes , as a result of which I hardly fit in my clothes any more ( but it was worth it ) . And I 've driven at least 600 miles and been driven quite a few more and now I need a bit of a rest . See you tomorrow I say , the M25 has come on a bit in the last couple of years . There were great swathes of speed limits for ages , but now we all sweep along at the national speed limit and not an mph more , of course , natch , hem hem , for miles and miles . Anyhoo , I managed 230 miles in less than 4 hours which , considering the total buggerdom of actually getting out of Norfolk is quite an achievement . The Sage is fine , and do bear in mind that he was invited to come along , and actually I asked him to and made it clear that I really would like him to . So if he implies that he is little boy lost at home , that 's not down to me but to him . But , to balance the books , he was so sweet this morning . As you know , it was Elle 's birthday yesterday , but her sister 's present hadn 't arrived yet . So the Sage went down on the bike to the Post Office this morning to pick up the mail before she went to school . Her sister 's package hadn 't arrived but another one had , so that was good , and . . . ooh , I slept in rather badly . I was awake , as so often I am , for hours in the night and the alarm went off - the radio , that is - at 7 . 15 and I listened to the news and then I thought I 'd just sleep for a few more minutes . Yeah right , as the young people say . An hour later . . . And I 've been rushing round like a grizzly bear on heat , if you 'll excuse the expression , and it is honestly better than sitting around because that makes me miserable . But it 's good to switch off and do other things . So that 's what I 'm doing . Posted by Dear oh dear , I 've only just finished the things I droned on about yesterday . And there were various others I didn 't remember to mention , as well as an unscheduled visit to Norwich - well , it involved Pugsley 's birthday presents ( bought and wrapped ) and Elle 's birthday present ( bought , wrapped , given and unwrapped ) . If I have a few minutes , I 'll put up a few pictures in the morning , but I 've got a meeting first thing and am off to visit Wink around lunchtime . I 'm hoping to visit Zig , Mig and Tim ( no , darlings , not Tig ) while I 'm away , as well as Dodo , the centenarian , on her birthday . One of the photos is of me wearing my wedding dress . Not on the day itself , I 'm not sure where those pictures are and haven 't seen them for years . But I carried on wearing it for some years afterwards . You can 't see all of it , I 'm sitting with a baby on my lap . Posting will probably be intermittent for the rest of the week . Otherwise , I have to send some receipts , email two guests coming to a meeting , send an agenda to the clerk ( I 've written the agenda , yay ) , buy birthday presents for Pugsley who will be 6 this weekend - he 's having a brilliant party and I 'm devastated that I won 't be here for it . Someone is coming with a snake and bugs and a tarantula and so on and will show them to the children and let them handle them . Isn 't that the best party ? And make a birthday cake for Elle , whose Happy Day is tomorrow . Right . What can I say that 's interesting ? Oh , I 've remembered something . Not interesting , just peculiar . I mean . . . well , let me tell you and you decide . I went into the card shop to buy birthday cards for Elle , Pugsley and Dora , all of whom have their special days within the next week and , as I came out , the mother of the girl Elle is going to stay with while I will be away was coming in . That is , Elle is staying with the whole family , of course . So we had a chat , agreed on dates and so on , and I said how much we love having her with us . I added that we hope she 's enjoying it too and that there were a dozen of us to supper the other night - Saturday , it must have been - and it was fun because I didn 't know about it until 2 o ' clock and I had to get the meal on the table by 6 because of the five children . And I chattered on and I said Elle probably finds us a bit odd . Well , the Sage anyway , I added cheerily , but by that time she ( the mum ) had already agreed . A bit too quickly really , I thought . I mean , I 'm not odd . Not even a bit . I 'm quite remarkably sensible and entirely conventional in every way . Except for the . . . Well , you know . We don 't talk about that any more . Our friend Sally ( Simon W 's sister , Mike ) used to have a small flock of sheep . She had been brought up on a farm and it was her link to a life she 'd enjoyed . We had a field going spare and , for a few summers , the two ( flock and field ) were put together . Chester 's first surprise was the electric fence . He was so shocked - though not at all hurt - that , after a couple of attempts he kept well away . However , one day we went on to the field - I think it was to group the sheep into a smaller area ready for the shearers - and I took him with me so that he would have a chance to be with the sheep and get used to them . He thought it was great fun when they ran away when he moved towards them and started to chase some lambs . Before I could call him back , one of the ewes moved in , stopped in front of him and looked at him . He halted . And , within a minute , that ewe had , by the power of her look , literally backed him into the corner of the field . He 'd glanced at me for support , but saw it wasn 't forthcoming and he went into the corner and sat down . She looked again . He lay down . A few minutes later , I called him towards me and he got up - and the sheep shot a look and he lay right back down again . When I finally went over to fetch him he came with me , but kept close to me for protection . They were feisty sheep , full of character . The most characterful of them all was called Longlegs , because - well , work it out . She was the only one there with a long tail , too . Usually , a rubber band is put on a lamb 's tail and , as it grows up , the blood supply is cut off and it withers and falls off . Yes , I know , sorry . But sheep are inclined to get any sort of ailment under the sun , including fly strike , and a tail hanging down is more likely to have crevices where the flies can lay . . . okay , that 's enough of that . Anyway , Longlegs , even as a lamb , had managed to avoid the rubber band . She was too independent to be a leader - egregious , you might call her ( outside the flock , if the faint remains of my Latin don 't play me false ) . They were not afraid of dogs and Chester learned manners from that particular sheep ( which didn 't have a name , only Longlegs did ) . At the end of the summer , Sally took the sheep off to her own paddock and the electric fence was taken down , and Chester had the run of the field again . Unfortunately , sheep don 't only get footrot , black udder and fly strike . They also attract ticks , and there were thousands of them in the grass , all waiting to climb on to Chester . I can dispel a few myths . There 's no point in using a burning cigarette or a hot match to kill them . Apart from it scaring the dog and leaving little holes in his fur , the tick is still there , clinging to the skin . It doesn 't let go . Meths doesn 't make it let go . I bought a spray of tickicide from the vet . The sudden puff of icy vapour from the aerosol scared Chester and I couldn 't make him stay still . The only thing that worked was picking them off individually with tweezers . It takes quite some while - overnight , in fact - for a tick to latch on firmly enough that it breaks through the skin , and in that time you can simply pick it off , making sure you get the head so that the mouth isn 't left in the skin , risking infection , and kill it . But Chester had dozens of them on him and I had to run my fingers through his coat to find each one and then make him be still while I picked it off . And when I 'd done , he went outside again and picked up another batch . Honestly , it was a bugger and it went on for - I don 't know , it seems in my memory to have been weeks , and I suppose it was at least two of them . Once , I remember he came in with tiny ticks fringing his ears . He got them between his toes , everywhere . The trickiest to get off , because he disliked the tweezers near his eyes , were on his face . The most disconcerting for both him and me to remove were , I 'm sorry to say , on his scrotum . It was a bonding experience , I will say that . He learned to stay still and stand or lie in the position I told him . But it was one of the more unusual situations of my dog - owning life . The sheep came to us for two or three years , but the first year was the worst , as far as ticks were concerned . In due course , Sally got a job in Norwich and didn 't have time for all the care the sheep needed , so she sold most of them . Longlegs had a home with her for life , of course , and she kept a couple of others so that they would be company for her . Sheep are flock animals ( the exception would be a bottle - fed lamb brought up by humans without other sheep ) and she 'd have been miserable on her own . I 've so many stories of Chester , they 're tumbling about in my mind , wanting to be told . And I 'm going to be away for a few days from Wednesday , so there will probably be a hiatus . Still , here 's one about Chester testing me to find out who was boss . Once he had learned the boundaries , he generally stuck to them and rarely ventured near the road . Of course , like all dogs , he loved to be taken for a walk and if he saw one of us going out on foot he ran along , hoping to be taken too . And if it was convenient , I 'd pick up his lead in the porch and , when he appeared , take him with me . However , if it wasn 't then he was expected to go back home . He found this quite hard to accept . But he did learn to stay to my command and , although sometimes he 'd give up and go back to the house , quite often I 'd return to find him lying at the fork in the drive , waiting for me . My mother walked to the village shop every day with her dog , and of course Chester wanted to go too . But he was crafty . If he appeared when she was still in the drive , she would bring him back ( my mother lived in the granny annexe next door to us ) and shut him in our house . So he waited until she had gone with Bruce , her black labrador cross , round the corner and he judged that she wouldn 't want to turn back , and then appear at her side . She often used to complain about this , but it was only if she came and told me that she was going out that I could call Chester in to the house . And he didn 't get away with it with me , anyway . Even so , once in a while he had a go . He 'd suddenly appear , bouncing up to me with tail wagging , joy in his face . But I 'm hard , darlings , damn hard . I 'd take him back to the garden gate ( the drive is some 100 yards long ) and tell him to go home . His ears would drop , his tail droop and he 'd trail along , looking back every few yards , and I 'd just point . When he got to the fork , I 'd tell him to stay and start walking again . Then I 'd nip back to see if he was still there ( I made sure he didn 't see me ) and , if he was sneaking down the drive again I 'd reappear to point sternly . The thing was , if I 'd once relented then my job would have become way harder , so I never did . If I was going to take him , I 'd say at once , otherwise I 'd not give in . And so , though he did keep testing me for some years , he did accept that I was the leader of the pack . Tomorrow , Chester and the sheep . Posted by My children tell me now that Chester was quite naughty . I never noticed that . He was just right as far as I was concerned , although he was a determined rabbiter and I had to search for him daily , usually having to haul him out of a rabbit hole , where he was digging enthusiastically for bunnies that had long vanished through their boltholes . I remember an autumn when he was a couple of years old and the farmer was cutting the maize crop behind the house . He started from the outside and worked in , so rabbits got trapped in the centre until finally they couldn 't stand the suspense any longer and made a run for it . Chester ran too , caught and killed a rabbit and then chased another . I still remember the look of bewilderment on his face when he caught up and realised that he couldn 't hold two rabbits in his mouth . He let go of the first , caught the second , and then was quite disgusted when I 'd not only laid claim to the original rabbit but insisted he gave me the second one too . We cooked them both for him to eat , mind you . Towards the end of his life he became much more indulgent , by the way . He used to sit watching a family of baby bunnies play in the sun . And he never went for the chickens , he understood that no bird was fair game to him . It was my friend Jackie who trained him more than I did , however . She used to walk her dogs on the field behind ours and Chester went to greet them . He tagged along on their walk and , when they got back to the road , Jackie produced some dog biscuits . All dogs sat and received their biscuits . Then she told Chester to go home . He was quite reluctant , but she persisted . And , finally , off home he trotted . We brought Chester home a week before Christmas . That is , we brought the puppy home . I can 't remember the exact point at which he received his name . I suggested Zebedee , after the springy " time for bed " character from The Magic Roundabout . That went down well except that Weeza wanted it shortened to Zeb and I only liked Zebedee . So , unable to agree , we looked elsewhere . I can 't remember the alternatives we came up with , but it was Weeza who suggested Chester and we all liked that . We made up a bed near the Aga and set up barriers so that , whilst he had plenty of space to move , he didn 't have the run of the kitchen . And the first night , he cried . So I went downstairs , cleaned up , cuddled and comforted him and went back to bed . Several times . The second and third nights , the same . And then we dismantled the barriers and let him have the run of the kitchen and there was no more crying . He was quite happy . Christmas was quite special that year . We devoted our time to the puppy . We wrapped presents for him , probably a few toys , a few biscuits , a couple of hide chews and so on . He loved unwrapping his presents . He adored seeing us unwrap our presents . He loved the excitement . He wasn 't too bothered about the contents of the parcels and we soon realised that all we needed to do was wrap one of his presents in another piece of paper ( as soon as something was unwrapped from it ) and give it to him again for it to be received with total joy . He was excited about Christmas every year , he loved it all his life and enjoyed opening the same presents over and over again . We used to weigh him every week , in a shopping basket . The weights are still on the tall scales in the porch , written down by the Sage . He was duly registered at the vets and received his vaccinations and was eventually cleared to be taken out for walks in public . Ro was at the village school and we walked there every day . Chester loved children , right from the start . My friend Bobbie ( whom Mike , Ann and Tim stayed with over the time of the blog party ) also had her children at the school and she took Figgy , a few months older than Chester . We often took the two dogs for a run across the fields . Our garden is surrounded by fields and Chester had to learn where our boundaries finished and , in particular , that he mustn 't go on the road . It wasn 't possible to fence the whole place off so , if he was not to be only walked on the lead , he had to be taught good enough behaviour . Good enough is the key . It rather sums me up . Here are the boundaries , do what you like within them . It 's not that I don 't have limits and it 's known when they 've been crossed . But I 'm very relaxed up to that point . Posted by It took the best part of four years to get the Sage to agree to have another dog . Mind you , there 's an 8 year gap between Al and Ro , so it can be seen that patience ( mine ) pays off . And then I relaxed , feeling that the right puppy would find us . I put the word out among friends . I wanted a mongrel puppy , wasn 't too fussy about the parentage , though it had to be good with children . And one day I was invited to a coffee morning by my friend Denise . It was a charity thing - one person invited 8 people , each of them invited 4 , they invited 2 and they invited 1 , each host paying something , can 't remember what , to the designated charity . Bridget and I were the 2 - I simply paid my amount to the charity , I wasn 't going to invite a single friend round and ask her to pay for it . Anyway , I told them about my puppy - hunt and Bridget said that the delivery driver who brought their horse feed had said that their bitch had three week old puppies . She was a Bearded Collie , the father was an Irish ( Red ) Setter . It sounded ideal . Bridget and her husband were interested too , and I asked her to give the driver my number . And the next day , his wife Zoë phoned . She invited us to see the puppies and we were off within minutes . On the way , I said to the Sage that , if there was a blond boy , that 's what I 'd like best , but I thought we 'd know the one . And he agreed . And Zoë took us in to her back room and there was the mother - crumbs , I can 't think of her name . . . Finty ? No , but I 'm not miles out , I 'll come back to you on that . Rusty was the father , that I do remember . There were 8 puppies , 3 blond ( all boys ) and 5 black ( some male , some female ) . They wanted to keep the biggest blond boy but we had the pick of the rest . I picked him instantly but didn 't say and the Sage said the same one . He and his brother were exactly the same except that ours had a faint almost heart - shaped white mark on his head . Zoë was very welcoming and didn 't mind us bringing the children to visit the pups at the weekend . She and her husband had two sons , the elder Ro 's age and the other ( who was , tragically , killed in a car accident three or four years ago ) a couple of years younger . Have you ever handled young puppies ? That puppy smell ? Oh , it 's marvellous . Milk - fed puppies , warm and cuddly , with puppy - breath and soft paws , wriggling in your arms and squirming round to lick your hands . I had to stop and go away for a few minutes then , too much longing . Pulled together again . Anyway , they had been born on 17th October , so they 'd be old enough to leave their mother in mid - December . . . a puppy is for life not just for Christmas ? We wanted this puppy too much , we agreed with the children that we 'd have a quiet Christmas and give plenty of time to the dog . It was so tempting to go round every day , but we resisted and visited once a week . They were so adorable . Bridget had a black boy , by the way , who grew up looking like his mother , shaggy . They called him Harvey . Chester had long hair but it was straight and sleek , like a golden retriever or a red setter - in colour , as he grew up , it was mid - way between the two . Sort of orange , actually . I had a rotten night but a really good day . I was so tired I went to bed early and was wide awake soon after midnight . I had less than an hour 's sleep after that . In the end , I cried . Honestly , darlings , I was that pathetic . I had to go to the bathroom for some tissues because wiping my eyes on the pillowcase wasn 't good enough and even I 'm not going to blow my nose on the sheet . Anyway , things improved once I gave up and got up , and I texted Ro to see if he 'd like to take me out to lunch . And , dear boy , he said yes . So off I went to my Nadfas lecture , which was jolly good . Really excellent . The lecturer is not a young woman - well over 70 at the least , but I 've heard her several times over the years and she hasn 't lost her touch one bit . This time it was about Diaghilev and the Ballets Russes . And it wasn 't just the lecture that was brilliant either . I arrived , signed in and was heading off to the auditorium to find a seat when the new Chairman came along . Her face lit up and she came to hug me and I felt so welcome that , in my overtired state , I nearly got weepy again ( but didn 't actually , because I 'm not a girly ) and I wished her well ( because it was her first time as Chairman ) and then the last Chairman before me came along and we all had a happy few minutes . I saw several other friends too after the lecture and can 't think how I was daft enough to put obligations before enjoyment over the past year and only got to one lecture . Do remind me , won 't you ? Fun comes first . We went for lunch at the new J @ m1e 0l1ver Italian restaurant . I had spaghetti with vongole , Ro black spaghetti with scallops , both very nice . We were amused by the waitress 's spiel and by the group of yummy mummies that came in , but it was a good cheerful atmosphere , if a bit " hi , my name 's Laura and I 'm your new best friend and these are our specials " formula - but better than being slapped in the face with last week 's kipper and , as I say , the food was good which is the main thing . And it was my birthday ( you know , the one I decided to ignore ) treat , so Ro paid , which was jolly generous considering he 's got to find a deposit to buy a house within weeks . I still have to go back and finish my dog posts . I nearly got as far as Chester , didn 't I ? Tomorrow , darlings . Posted by We 've had a young sixth - former staying with us for the past ten days and I 'm not sure for how much longer . She 's daughter of friends of friends , lives in Berlin and , in Germany , they have the most enlightened option that students can opt to take their A Level equivalent in three years instead of two and spend half of the first year abroad , attending school and living with a family . This all worked out famously except that I didn 't know a suitable family . So , if she finds someone she would like to stay with and the parents agree , she will move out , but she 's welcome here until then . It 's a lot of fun , having a teenager in the house again . And the Sage and I have upped our game considerably . Instead of eating breakfast on the hoof , we sit at the dining table ( I 'm putting on weight already ) and we sit longer over dinner , chatting , as well . She 's delightful company and kindly overlooks our elderly , dull demeanour . She helps with the cooking and is no trouble at all . She has her own laptop , but unfortunately it 's rather an old one and the DVD player doesn 't work any more . So she borrowed my Mac at the weekend to watch the films she had bought . Which was such fun that she appeared hopefully at my elbow an hour ago . . . " um , Z , can I ask you something ? " " You 'd like to borrow my computer again ? Okay , give me five minutes to finish this , then I 've got several Scrabble games I haven 't played for the last three days . " In fact , I 'm going to be away for a few days soon because a friend is celebrating her 100th birthday and I have been invited for tea - she doesn 't want to have a party . Her younger sister died last month which is a great sadness for her , of course , and she would like her friends and family to call in a few at a time . She still lives by herself in her own home and is remarkably well and totally together mentally . So I 'll go and stay with Wink , visit Dodo ( yes , really ) and maybe see if a blogger or two in the Wiltshire and way home from Wiltshire direction might be available for a visit ? The birthday is the 27th and I 'll stay for a day or two after that . And all we have to do is find Elle a place to stay while I 'm away . Obviously , she can 't stay here with the Sage . There is a possibility though , and whilst Elle is speaking to the daughter , I will drop an email to her parents , whom I know . Posted by It 's been quite busy here for the last few days what with guests staying and the Sage 's sale on Friday night . So I 'm sorry I haven 't been around - actually , I lent my computer to one of our guests , who is still here and I must tell you all about it soon . I 'll have it back tomorrow , at least for a few days , so I 'll be able to catch up with things . Actually , I 'm having a great time . Ro and Dora came over to supper last night , it 's all been very sociable and you do know how much I like being sociable . Several weeks of meetings start on Wednesday , and you also know that being busy is good for me . Because otherwise I worry , even if I have nothing to worry about . I haven 't read any blogs for a few days , so I do hope that all is well with you . I have at least been dipping into Google + and Facebook , so I 've seen a few of you . I 've just check Google Reader though and there are 295 unread posts . Oh dear . It 'll take a while to say hello to everyone individually , so it 'll have to be HELLO from here instead for now . Those of you who have visited us know that we have various outbuildings . Hardly anything of mine is in any of them , but the Sage has them piled high with Stuff . I 've no idea what most of it is . Years ago - at least 15 years , I should think , when they were more useful buildings because you could get in the doors and do things once you were inside , the Sage had taken a pair of oil paintings down there because he was going to take them out of their frames because the glass was dirty on the inside and he wanted to clean it . Having taken them there , he left them for a few weeks , as you do , and when he went and looked again , one was missing . He looked around and was quite sure that a few other things were missing too . Our house is well off the road and there didn 't seem much likelihood of the police catching anyone in the act , so the Sage set a trap . It took him a few days to plan and implement it , and in that time we were burgled again - it seemed that it was always on the same night of the week . He didn 't want to physically catch the person , of course , just to be alerted , and please excuse me if I don 't tell you just what he did , just in case we ever have occasion to do it again . The next week ( there was still plenty of stuff in the workshop ) we were woken by the alarm , which didn 't alert anyone else . The Sage phoned the police and said he 'd meet them at the road , please don 't drive to the house . I sat by the open window and listened . This guy was pretty good , I can tell you . It 's a gravelled area and I never heard a sound except once , when there was a crack of glass breaking ( which turned out to be the glass in the other painting , which he 'd accidentally knocked against something ) . The Sage was gone ages and I was really quite anxious . Eventually he arrived back again and explained that the police car had arrived with one person in ( to make sure we were all right ) but that he wasn 't allowed to go off in search of the burglar without reinforcements . Just as well that the reinforcements included a dog , because the man had long gone . Indeed , he was back in bed and asleep when there was a knock at his door . The Aladdin 's Cave cliché comes to mind - we weren 't the only people he 'd been stealing from and he 'd got all the goods piled up in the caravan where he lived . He 'd walked across the field and got into our garden from there . In due course , we were invited to the police station to identify and reclaim our stuff and the man went to prison - he had a lengthy police record . We heard that he spoke respectfully of the Sage to someone he knew . He had no idea how he 'd been found , but quite admired the person who 'd outwitted him . There 's a follow - up to this story . Several years later , he went for a few drinks at a pub in the town and afterwards phoned for a taxi home ( he lived in another village five or six miles away by then ) . The taxi didn 't arrive so he decided to walk . He 'd walked the mile to here , then a couple of miles along the main road before turning off towards his village - it 's an unlit country road and it was late at night . Sometime later , early next morning , he was found , victim of a hit and run accident . Whoever accidentally ( no reason to think it was anything else ) killed him was never found . Posted by I don 't know how to make header pictures smaller , that 's a startlingly large cockerel ( I didn 't abbreviate , I don 't want to disappoint people looking for interesting photos through a search engine ) . But I 'm hoping to encourage the chickens . Not that our chickens read this blog as far as I know , but I 'll tell them about it . The chickens are moulting and we 're hardly getting any eggs . Those which do lay are hiding their eggs so successfully that the Sage can 't find them . The only ones whose eggs are available are the young pullets , a few months old who are coming into lay - the eggs are small but gladly received into the Z kitchen . Ooh , I just saw a policeman outside , so went to investigate . And I say , what jolly good service ! He and a colleague are going round the entire village to tell people that there have been some burglaries - we 'd heard about them actually , it 's not major crime but a spate of sneak thieving , opportunistic stuff . So the police are handing out letters with advice and having a word to advise locking up tools and so on . We do , actually , all our outbuildings are kept locked with substantial padlocks because at one time the Sage 's parents had some trouble and they made everything secure and we 've kept it that way . Anyway , this extraordinarily young police officer - I swear he 's young enough to be my grandson - says that they 're doing extra patrols , day and night , and making every effort to catch the thieves . Really , isn 't that awfully good of them ? I mean , obviously they should , but to come round and tell us about it too . This is an area where there 's very low crime , so obviously they want to keep it that way . Yes , mice . We don 't get great problems with them , but we do have to be fairly vigilant . I 'm afraid we don 't go down the live trap route . They 're mice . There are thousands of them , quite a number killed by owls , stoats and so on in the fields around us every night and I have to admit that we harden our hearts and set traps . This isn 't to say that I 'd kill a mouse personally . Is this hypocritical ? I don 't know . Anyway , I have caught a few personally , with my own bare hands ( and then had to wash rather thoroughly afterwards because mice smell of mouse wee and so do you after you 've handled one ) . Before my mother lived next door to us - goodness , I 'm going back nearly 30 years now - she lived in a lovely Georgian house with a conservatory along its length . There was a raised bed against the house wall and geraniums grew in it , that flowered nearly all year round . Once a mouse set up home in that bed and you could see the little paths it made . It wasn 't really doing any harm , but mice don 't stay single for long and it was sure to find a wife and raise a large family , so it had to go . And one day , I saw it scurry along its little path and I cornered it . It waved its front paws at me , though not in a cheery way , and I grabbed it . It closed its eyes tight and bit my finger , which was quite good really as it meant it wasn 't likely to try to get away and I stalked out into the garden , through the kitchen garden and into the paddock beyond and let it go . There were little bite marks on my finger but it hadn 't broken the skin . I still washed with disinfectant . Some years later , at about this time of year , we 'd left the side door open as we tend to do a lot during the summer . That is , we used to . Now we 're more likely to shut it so that we don 't get taken over by chickens in the house as well as out of doors . And I spotted a mouse scuttling in the door , round the corner and into the sitting room . I pursued it - well , I took Tilly with me and suggested she might like to catch it , but the little dog didn 't notice the mouse and , well , she was not much use . The mouse was still running along the skirting board , so I took a big soft cushion off the sofa and dropped it on the mouse . Then of course I had to reach under the cushion to find it . I felt quite brave at that moment actually , though really it was no contest . In a head to head confrontation I was going to win , frankly . And so I picked it up , took it across the field and let it go . This isn 't very dramatic , is it ? I 've also caught a few incautious ones that found themselves trapped in receptacles , such as Sunday 's paper bag incident , but the end of the story is always me releasing it unharmed . Once , Al was in his garden when he saw the ground move . As the mole 's head emerged from its hole , he whisked it out with a broom , scooped it into a bucket and - well , he walked down the lane , over the bridge to the other side of the river before letting that one go . He reckoned that if there was deep enough water between it and us , there was a chance it wouldn 't return . Our guest needed to do a bit of shopping yesterday and we decided to head for Lowestoft and take a stroll along the beach afterwards . When we arrived , people were standing all along the side of the road . So we parked , went to join them and asked what was happening . It was the Tour de Lowestoft ! Or at any rate , the first leg of the Tour of Britain , and we were told the leaders would be along any minute . And so they were , preceded by a lot of police motorbikes . Four cyclists went swooping past - I was too busy clapping to take any photos of them as they went past and my friend said they were so fast that she didn 't catch them - and a few minutes later a whole lot more police motorbikes came by ( we wondered why so many were required ) followed by lots of cyclists , and then a whole lot of cars with spare bikes and bike parts on the roofs . I 've no idea why the four were several minutes out in front . Anyway , it was brilliant , quite exciting and particularly as we hadn 't realised it was happening . I spent Friday evening babysitting for Phil and Weeza so that they could go out to celebrate Phil 's birthday , stayed overnight and then hung around the next day because I was picking someone up from the station in the afternoon and it hardly seemed worth coming home . A bit of a mishap in the morning , however . I 'd forgotten to take my contact lens cleaning solution , so left it in a little dish of boiled water overnight and , putting it in the next day , it whisked itself to the back of my eye and there it stayed . It wasn 't painful but it was uncomfortable and there wasn 't a thing I could do to get it out again . Fortunately , wearing brown - tinted sunglasses helps my eyesight enough to enable me to drive ( I 'm slightly short - sighted , borderline for driving in the day ) because I hadn 't taken a pair of glasses with me - I must remember to put my glasses in the car for emergencies , because I never use them at home . The lens reappeared within minutes of my arrival home . Bothersome thing . In the night , the Sage got out of bed , which woke me as the burglar alarm going off had not , although I could hear it in my sleep . " It 'll be a mouse , " we agreed resignedly , and certainly we were not being burgled . The alternative possibility is a spider running over the sensor , but a mouse is the more likely . And then I was sitting in my study at about 7 am when I heard rustling behind me , and recognised the sound of a mouse . Another mouse probably , the door is shut overnight and there isn 't a sensor in here . I decided to ignore it for the time being . But it kept on and on rustling and in the end I investigated . I turned on a torch app on my phone ( I don 't bother with a torch , a compass , a map , a diary , a wristwatch - there 's an app for everything ) and peered into the corner , but couldn 't see anything . Then I noticed a gift bag on the floor which contained a carton of Celebrations chocolate . I can 't remember when we were given them , but they hadn 't been opened . That is , they hadn 't been until recently , when a dear little mouse had gnawed its way through the bottom of the pack . But the inside of the bag was too smooth for it to eat its way out and it was stuck . We looked at each other and it cowered . I picked up the bag , fetched my handbag and my bike and cycled off to church . I let it out in the churchyard . I 'm sure it will be happy , as a church mouse . This house is by no means overrun with mice , but it 's impossible to keep them out all the time , though we 're not bothered by them in the summer . There are little crevices , small gaps they can creep in through and this is the time of year when they 're looking for a safe home for the winter . I 'm afraid they won 't find one here . Posted by I 've made myself sound like an ungainly freak , haven 't I . I didn 't feel any self - loathing at the time , but looking back I see that I lived in my own little world . I seemed quite normal , just was shy and quiet . I 've said this before - it was when a teacher mentioned that he had been born middle - aged that I realised that it 's not necessarily possible to feel comfortable at the age you are , you may just not have reached your natural age yet , and this was quite reassuring . Maybe this feeling that I was older than my years , in combination with the sudden death of my father when I was 16 , prompted my early marriage at the age of 19 . I did feel , when my father died , that I suddenly grew up and wasn 't carefree any more . Then , once I had a child to look after , I had to push myself to do things that I 'd previously been too shy to do , contact people rather than wait for them and so on . I was still uncertain though , if the Sage and I wanted to invite people round for a meal I made him telephone them . I was sure they 'd not want to come to see me , or that I 'd be interrupting something with a call . I did have a mild phone phobia for a long time , actually , that took ages to get over . It wasn 't until I reached the age of 30 that I finally felt that I was comfortable in my skin . I remember feeling that I 'd grown up . Not long after that , we moved to this house . Ro was just 2 years old then . I had to make a new circle of friends , and I was determined to do so . I was lucky in fact , the mother and toddler group was just relaunching itself and I quickly met someone who was holding a coffee morning for mums to meet each other and to raise some money for craft equipment and so on , and she asked me along . " Next Tuesday , " she said . This was a Sunday . Afterwards , I wondered which Tuesday she had meant . Two days later or a week and two days . I was very anxious about turning up at all , but I was determined to be brave and went along to her house on the first Tuesday . And no one was there . So it was the next week . I felt even more nervous that time , but it all went fine of course , and Ro and I joined the group and I quickly made friends with several people about my age and with similar interests - I was lucky indeed . What stopped me being shy was the realisation that I wasn 't lacking a sense of self - worth but actually had too much of it . I convinced myself that I was proud , arrogant and that was the trouble , that I was afraid of making a mistake or not doing something well enough and that made me not try it at all . And it was a sudden joy to realise that I didn 't matter at all , most people don 't judge you , many of them are shy too . So , I do have a fair bit of self - confidence , but actually it 's self - acceptance . It 's not that I think I do things particularly well , though I do sometimes , but I 'll generally have a go and not be afraid to fail or make a fool of myself . And if I do , just get over it . The other thing was that I realised that feeling too awkward to engage with people just made me look as though I wasn 't interested in them rather than believing , as I did , that they would not be interested in me . I can see myself in the young Z and she in me , but there are so many differences that sometimes it 's hard to believe we 're the same person . Posted by Well , mother . That is , childhood shapes the adult , of course . And yet , I have changed hugely , I 'm very different from child Z . My childhood could almost be defined by my shyness and general bewilderment . I never understood how others could seem so confident , make friends easily when I had such little self - confidence that I never , throughout my childhood , referred to anyone as a friend . Pathetically , I was afraid that the person might correct me , would scoff at the thought of me calling them friend . Even more pathetically , I very rarely called anyone by their name , just in case I got it wrong . Susan might have decided to be called Sue , or her name really be Sarah and I 'd forgotten . Yes , I know . Two things - one , what a drip / poor confused idiot child . Two , blimey I 've changed . You 're right in both respects . My mother told me that I was a normally outgoing toddler until someone called at the hotel - she was a sales rep for china and glass and lived in a flat on Bournemouth seafront . Although their connection was originally business , she and my parents became friends and on this occasion she came to lunch . Apparently , she burst into the room where I was sitting and came to sweep me into her arms . I was terrified and , to the embarrassment of the friend and my mother , cried inconsolably and had to be given lunch in another room as I wouldn 't come to the table . And my mother said that I never got over it . Now , looking back , I can see that she shouldn 't have let me get away with it , that this behaviour was allowed to get embedded and it became impossible to alter , but it was understandable that she did . I was sweet and biddable and we adored each other and it was probably only too easy to baby me a bit too much . I was also , however , very strong - willed at the bottom of it all . There are various childhood anecdotes about my father and Al is the same - good - natured and willing to go along with a great deal , but when you get to the sticking point , we don 't give in . At home , I was happy and confident , if rather solitary and bookish . Wink is several years older than I am and I was used to my own company . I did have friends , usually two or three rather than a bigger group . I can 't have been very rewarding to teach , once I went to school . Although I could express myself eloquently on paper , I contributed nothing verbally to lessons . I was afraid of getting it wrong and being laughed at and , later , too selfish to contribute to a discussion , reckoning that I 'd get more credit for writing an idea down than offering it to the group . I tended , and still do , to come up with a quirky angle on a subject . I would talk to a teacher one - to - one , but there were usually a couple of people bursting with ideas in a general discussion and , even if I 'd have been willing to offer anything , I 'd not have bothered to try to assert myself . In the way of shy people , I was confident when acting a part - what a pity that my secondary school didn 't do much in the way of acting . It could have done me a lot of good . There was a certain amount of musical performance , but I loathed that . I played the piano reasonably competently , but tended to fall apart if anyone was listening other than my teacher . I couldn 't sing in public , if I thought there was any danger that anyone might pick my voice out among the others then I would mouth the words and make no sound . I was no good at games . Small , not very fast ( I woIt was daft , I was so distant from things , not just people . I was more likely to read about wild flowers than to go out and look at them . I had a lot of armchair knowledge but little practical experience . I was an odd child . I 'm not sure if I 've ever told you about the fireworks at Oulton Broad . There was a week - long Regatta in the summer , with yacht races every day and amusements on the park . Our house was right opposite the park , on the other side of the Broad . On the Thursday and the next Monday , which was the Bank Holiday , firework displays were held , and the bottom of our garden was the ideal place for them to be staged . It was also , of course , the ideal excuse for a party , and so my parents held one every year . In due course , I might as well say now , the Thursday firework display was discontinued on grounds of cost , but I expect the Monday one still takes place , though I don 't know the arrangements nowadays . On that Monday evening , to celebrate the end of the Regatta , there was the burning of the Golden Galleon , and this event caused me some nervousness for a few years in my childhood . You see , once someone told me that the way the Golden Galleon was selected was that they looked for the scruffiest boat on the river and chose that to burn . We had a rather dilapidated boat at the time , and I was sure it would be picked . We did lose that boat in the end , in fact , during a storm it broke loose from its moorings and was swept down to the lock gates where it crashed and sank . I don 't know if it was insured , let 's hope so . It was a spectacular display , back in the old days . There were two or three set pieces , one was Golden Rain , where there was a wire set up between two poles and the sparkles dropped like rain . I know , a slightly different connotation nowadays , perhaps ? - it was a more innocent time . The final display , on the Thursday , said " GOOD NIGHT " and on the Monday , " GOD SAVE THE QUEEN " - which I very much doubt is the case now . My mother held coffee mornings and garden parties for charity , they were quite big events . The garden was big enough for lots of stalls and games . I usually , at these garden parties , got roped in to do something when I was little , which I didn 't care for at all , being terribly shy . Winsome little girls were either sent out with baskets of posies to sell or else had lots of handkerchiefs pinned to their dress , which the ladies could buy and unpin . I remember twins a year younger than I who were always up for this sort of thing , which was a good job because , although I was generally quite biddable , I 'd do nothing at all as a sales pitch and buyers had to search me out . I 've mentioned before how hard my mother worked , but she didn 't do it all on her own . On the day before the event , or sometimes on the same day , a group of her friends would come along and get stuck in and help finish the preparations . It was known as ' the party to get ready for the party . ' It was a lot of fun , you know . I 'm still not entirely sure whether these memories are making me happy or melancholy for what 's long gone . With the closure of the middle schools and the country running out of money , we gained several hundred more pupils but were not able to do any building to accommodate them . So we took on our town 's middle school and have turned it into a sixth form college ( still part of the school with the same teachers ) and took the younger pupils in to the main school building . We 're still overcrowded though . Not only are there more children in school but they all are being taught for every lesson , whereas the sixth formers have a lot more study periods . The meetings rooms are going to have to be used as classrooms quite often and we 'll have governors ' meetings at the sixth form centre . Standing there in the hall looking at them all was quite something . They fitted in quite well at the end of last year ( they joined the school for the last two weeks of term ) but some of them have grown during the summer . It 'll be very crowded by next July . I felt a twinge of pride , I admit , not that I can take any credit - but then , there have been enough people saying how proud they 've felt during the Olympics who were armchair viewers , so plenty of you know what I mean . " You didn 't sign up for this , " I murmured to the Head - there were about 950 pupils when he started here , now it 's around 1 , 300 . I 'm going to be busy this year . That is very good for me . I need a spur , things in my diary , deadlines , a feeling that I 'm useful . My mother used to say , in her later years , that she missed feeling useful , although by then she had neither the health nor the inclination to take on voluntary work any more . I suppose that will come to me too , if I live as long as she did ( which was 79 , far longer than anyone else in the family , so odds are against ) . The Head and I took a stroll round the school and came across a member of staff on her own in a room folding curtains to take to another room . She is over 7 months pregnant with her first baby . " You aren 't going to hang those , are you ? " asked the Head suspiciously . " No , of course not . Well , not while anyone 's watching . " He eyed her , hoping she was joking . " Are you still running ? " " Yes , not far , only about 4 miles a day . " This is the woman who ( and I 'm sure I blogged it ) took part in a charity marathon a few years ago . When she got to the end of the course , she still had a fair bit of energy left , so she went and jogged round it again . Posted by I know , darlings , you thought the Royal Mail had cancelled the second daily post . Well , I 'm not royal and I 'm not male , so it doesn 't apply to me . And here is a picture of Martina 's standard poodle pup , Kipper , named after Kipper Catchpole , brother of Huckleberry and beloved dog of my childhood . Isn 't she adorable ? Martina sent another couple of pictures too , one with a toy and one looking very puppyish and cute . I 've added them to my folder of desktop photos , which changes randomly every 15 minutes and which gives me a lot of pleasure . I have far too short an attention span to have just one background photo . And since a couple of you seem to see a resemblance between my mum and me , I 've just taken a picture of myself on my phone . I 'm a lot older now than she was then , of course , some 20 years . Okay , I 'm making excuses . Oh , and I see some of you have already read the previous post . I 've added a link to the Birth of Ro . Not gory , honestly . The Sage was giving a talk on L0west0ft Ch1na in the town of the same name this morning , so we drove over fairly early , to allow us time to find the venue . We both used to live there and knew it extremely well , but in the last 25 years they have done so much road building , and made so many streets one - way or cul de sacs that it can be quite tricky to find your way about . As the club members started to arrive , we saw several people we knew from way back , which was an unexpected bonus . Then a woman introduced herself to me and said that she had been the midwife when my daughter was born . A few checkings of dates and I corrected her to son , which she queried ( honestly , Ro , you 've been a boy since day one ) , but I was so pleased to see her . I wonder if I 've described the day Ro was born ? I 'll have to look * . Don 't worry , I don 't do gory details unless I 'm having my hip bone removed . Ooh , that reminds me , I 'm having an operation before too long , I hope . Not on my hip . I 'll tell you about it in due course , no problems at all , quite trivial . So I pottered around Low ' stoft for a bit and bought cherries , Victoria plums ( I doubt they were English , the crop has been poor this year and these were large and luscious ) and the first Kent cobnuts of the season . Woo - hoo ! I know plums and cobs mean autumn , but in a good way . The success story of the summer , by the way , has been the new flowerbed by The Wall . Thanks to the rain , I 've hardly watered it at all and the chickens have largely kept the weeds at bay apart from nettles . I 'm enjoying having flowers , having grown vegetables almost exclusively for a number of years , and I 'm wondering if it 's worth the bother of growing many veggies next year when I 've got such a good greengrocer in town . This hasn 't been a good year of course , but I 've lost heart anyway and don 't enjoy it any more . I love having the flowers to look at out of my study window , though . I must be getting soft in my old age . Though slightly too soft in one way . I weeded it thoroughly yesterday and , although I wore gloves ( I rarely wear gardening gloves , I 'm the down and dirty type ) , I had a lot of nettle stings . Anthisan cream doesn 't work on nettle stings , by the way . I 'm still a bit tingly . One thing that 's always been a plus is that every dog we 've ever had has been completely trustworthy around children - all people , in fact , but they all loved children and were very good with them . When we lived at the Old Rectory we were very close to the sea and , although dogs weren 't allowed on the beach in the summer season , Simon loved a run on the beach during the rest of the year . I remember him running ahead , dashing down the path - it was a broad slope suitable for maintenance vehicles that we usually used , although there were steeper steps down from the cliff too - and running along by the water 's edge . There were often fishermen and you had to keep an eye on him so that he didn 't annoy them by running into their line , rummaging in their bait - box - or worse , finding a stray hook with some bait on it . It was lovely to have a dog again , I 'd really missed it . Having always had dogs sleeping on my bed before I got married , however , I wasn 't going to have that happen again , I put my husband first ! Simon had a bed ( a dog bed , darlings , not a full - size one ) downstairs . He was always very good when we were out , didn 't misbehave . . . that we knew of . However , one day I got up late for some reason , maybe I wasn 't well , and the rest of the family went off out in the car . I heard a howling sound and got up and peered round the stairs . There was a half - landing with a big window into the porch five stairs up and Simon was sitting on it , looking out of the window and singing . Yowling . " Ahem , " I said and he jumped and looked extremely embarrassed . He was very pleased when Ro was born , enjoying having a baby in the house . He must have been at least ten years old by then , maybe twelve and we moved to this house two years later and so there were no problems with him wanting to run off across the fields chasing rabbits , old boy that he was . I don 't think he lived more than about another year here though , as he developed prostate problems and eventually we had to call the vet in . The Sage and I both cried when he died , and I remember apologising to the vet for bothering him , oddly enough . The Sage didn 't want another dog . He said that it was so painful when you lost him . I pointed out the benefits of the ten or fifteen years in between , that it was no argument against having a pet that one day it would die . You could say that about any relationship . But it took four years for him to give in and agree . Well , three and a half . And then I put the word about that I was looking for a puppy and waited for Fate to call at my door . As it were . I have written about buying the Old Rectory , though I might say more at some time , whilst I 'm on this full - time looking back jag . It was in July 06 - Wendz , we were already friends then , though you used a different name to blog with . Pat , you left a comment too - you were my first ever blog friend , of course . Here is the post if you 'd like to look it up , though I don 't blame you if you don 't , I only occasionally follow links . So , Simon . He was a fairly large dog , a short haired black coat with tan markings - not unlike a Rottweiler , but much less heavily built . He was a very easy , good - natured dog , rarely misbehaved , and this led me to assume that he would never do so . One Christmas Eve , we were invited to my mother 's house . I went first with the children ( this would have been before Ro came along ) and the Sage was due to arrive at a certain time . . . he didn 't . He was very late , over an hour late and I was quite anxious . Finally , he turned up and I didn 't get cross . I asked . Good move , darlings , I recommend . Because he had arrived home to change and found a touch of chaos in the hall . We had a great big Christmas tree , you see , that reached up to and beyond the top of the banisters in the landing above ( does bannisters have one or two n 's ? Both seem correct , according to the spellcheck , but one n looks right to me ) , and I 'd put the presents we 'd received under it . And evidently , one of them was a sizeable Stilton cheese and Simon had smelt it and thought , jolly good , that must be my prezzie and surely no one will mind if I open it just a few hours early ? He 'd scoffed the lot . Apart from what he 'd mashed into the rug , which was a fair bit . He 'd probably eaten two or three pounds of ripe blue cheese though . The aftermath . . . we shut Simon in the back scullery for the next three nights in case of repercussions . But there were none . No squits or sickness , just a happy and healthy dog with a remarkably glossy coat . Stilton . Good for dogs . Before I move on , I 've just remembered something I meant to say about Cleo , which was that she was allergic to fleas . The dogs rarely caught fleas actually , only Simon and Huck went out of the garden except on a lead and the only animals in the garden with fleas were hedgehogs . I remember one time opening the window to let Huck in and he seemed to have a football in his mouth . It turned out to be a huge hedgehog covered in fleas which he put down on the rug . One of us had to go and find a box , it was rolled in using the poker and shovel and taken right back out again . Then we had to de - flea Huck . Anyway , Cleo had some irritated - looking ( yes , they frowned and gnashed their teeth ) lumps on her stomach and we took her to the vet , and it was a flea allergy . We were given a powder to put on her to soothe them which had to be mixed into a paste with water . And then there was a bottle of Gentian Violet to paint on her too - fortunately , she was a black dog so it didn 't look too awful . A year or so later , she started to show signs of another attack , so we went to the chemist for the Gentian Violet and dabbed it on her . She got up and had a good shake and it went everywhere - all over the floor and the kitchen cabinets . A drawer of the dresser was partly open and it covered everything in there . We wiped it all up of course , but we carried on finding spots of violet for several years . In the end , she didn 't get better and we had to take her back to the vet and it turned out that there was something else in with the Gentian Violet to do the good . So at last the Sage and I had a dog of our own . We lived in a lovely house then . I first saw it soon after Al was born and we were staying with my mother and stepfather . The Sage suggested a short outing to see a house he was selling at auction the next day . I walked in the door and staggered slightly . " Can we buy it ? " I said . So we did . Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ?

Behavioral Issues , Blog , Lifestyle , Memories Animal communicator , etc … . I just removed this specific post . I had two bad experiences with an animal communicator , and I thought until a few days ago that the third one was amazing … . It was not . She was half dog communicator , and half psychic I guess . Not sure about the animal communicator part , but the psychic part was like the wires were not connected properly . She told me that one specific dog will have a very long life , and that there would not be anymore cancer in my crew . Two months later , the one who was supposed to have a very , very , very long life , dropped dead from cancer , hemangiosarcoma to be precise . At the time where that woman came to my house , Zoe must already have cancer blossoming in her body since it had time to spread all over . Therefore , I am removing this post . I should have brought them tons of treats . It would have been more useful . Dominique Darcis2016 - 10 - 16 00 : 42 : 332017 - 01 - 24 17 : 09 : 02Animal communicator , etc . . . . Blog , Lifestyle , Memories , Veterinary It was all about having fun … . I might recycle myself and start writing pet obituaries … . I just seem to excel in it ! Yes , I lost another one ! It 's quite ironic as a matter of fact when you know - of course you don 't - how paranoid I am with them . They eat the best food , get bottled water , and they all end up dying of cancer . Seriously ? I am really starting to question what I do ? Does it make any difference from fancy grain free food vs Iams to name one ? And don 't get me wrong here . I hate Iams . Jackson just died on me . No , he did not die on me . I put him to sleep . A week ago , I was posting on my FB page that Jack was working really hard at dying from something else than cancer . MISSION ACCOMPLISHED . Take that cancer ! My boy is a cancer survivor . I am sure that in the long run cancer would have taken over his body or at least the left side of his body , but he was doing well with his " cancer diet " , his supplements and his broccoli . He was doing fine . Then , he had that leg infection , and no I did not notice it . You see it was on his " good " front leg . Last Sunday , he went swimming and he was fine . But I am rewinding the film right now , and Monday morning , yes I was in a rush because I was taking Maia to chemotherapy , but I snapped a few pictures of Jackson gulping down his breakfast , and when I enlarged the picture , his right front leg was a bit swollen , not like it was 4 hours later , but it was a bit swollen . and I did not notice it because I was in a rush . Would it have make a difference ? I am not sure . The oncologist had given him a two week life expectancy three weeks ago , so he beat that one ! Because he was my extraordinary dog . He was a lot like his Mom . Those two were all about retrieving and eating and swimming . Perfect labs . Jackson … . was my kid . I witnessed his birth , and I was his Mom after the first month . Lola took really good care of her kids for one month , and then I had to take the relay . She was still around , but she was like " you wanted the kids … . You take care of them NOW ! " and I did . The bags under my eyes are called " my mutts " . For the first year of their lives ( Lola had five kids : 3 boys and 2 girls ) each time they were barking at night , I was getting up to let them go pee . My vet was telling me to ignore them , but it was easier to let them go out than hearing them bark for half an hour . So , yes , I might have spoiled them a bit , because you see , they were and they are my kids ( I mean the three remaining ! ) . I am not sure what I am going to do with the three left … . Should I put them under a bubble ? Two had already died : George at 3 and half , and Jack last Monday . Each time one of my kids dies , it takes a part of my heart , and I am not sure how many times a heart can be broken . I am not sure yet how to be in a " Jackless " life . You see I wake up in the morning and the first minute , I wonder why I am so sad , and then I remember . He was my boy . He was the one who was grabbing my hand with his paw when we went on car rides . He was the one who was hugging me every 3 minutes each time we went for a walk just the two of us . He was the one who made my feet his pillow , and to tell you the truth my feet are quite lonely these days . I always said that labs are my kind of dogs - and I do love every dog - but labs have a sense of humor . Jackson had a very sophisticated one . For seven years , I blocked my fridge ( because he knew how to open it ) , I carefully put everything away from his reach , I am conditioned now . I surprise myself putting the French baguette on the fridge ( not that I eat much these days ) and then I realized why ? He is not there to steal it from me . Last week , he suddenly disappeared on me in the house , and I thought " what could he have stolen ? " because I am so careful around him . Guess what ? He stole a cat food can and was enjoying it on my bed . That 's the place where he always took his stolen food ! The metallic can was totally flattened . That was my boy ! I am telling you ! Three years ago , I realized that he was not with us ( meaning at that time my six other dogs - 2016 is the year where the number of dogs was drastically reduced thanks to cancer ! - ) . I went downstairs , and saw him throwing up in my living room . Sue me . I had received a medication for Maia who had a high Ph . in her urine . I did not open the box , and left it on the microwave oven . Jack took it , opened the box , broke the bottle , and swallowed 200 bitter pills ( why do I know they were bitter ? Because I tasted them ! ) , and then he threw up … . He was at the emergency within half an hour , and no one had a clue what would happen because no other dogs had ever had the bad taste of swallowing that many pills . They did find a lab who swallowed 100 . He made it . Jack spent three days at the emergency , but he made it . After he got home , my main concern was how to keep him safe . I became very disciplined and stored everything at higher levels that he could not reach even though he was a big boy . But Jack was so much more than I could ever describe . I remember the first sentences of " Love Story " . And his story could start that way : Jack loved me , he loved Frisbee ( even though I sucked at throwing them , and he got so mad at me so many times for the Frisbees to land on the roof ! My roof is like a Frisbee cemetery ! ) , swimming , food , walking , my feet , swimming , my feet , and just me . He had always been very protective of me , and I just feel suddenly fragile without him . He was the one to inspect the whole backyard first thing in the morning , running around the fence , barking at anything which moved . He was the one who was kicking out anyone on the couch sitting next to me without even moving his butt . Michael Jackson mastered the moon walk , Jackson mastered the couch kick out thing . For the last six years , the mutts have been good with the Christmas tree but last year Jackson decided to eat a glass ornament on my bed and bleed all over my mattress . He was fine … . thanks to the spinach . Spinach is the best thing you can give to your dog if he eats anything sharp . I mean , do still go to the emergency but I have my whole pantry full of spinach cans , like it 's going to be of any use now . Maybe I should put them on Craigslist … . . " Spinach cans to give away . " I loved him from the minute he was born until the second he dropped dead . I am not just sure how to handle a " Jackless life " . Not sure about that one . But I do believe we become energy … . And I know that somewhere over the rainbow , my Jackson is having a ball . I loved you to the moon and back Jack , and I will always do until I drop dead … . . September 28 , 2016 / 0 Comments / by Dominique Darcis Dominique Darcis2016 - 09 - 28 22 : 44 : 412016 - 09 - 30 20 : 41 : 03It was all about having fun . . . . Lifestyle , Memories What if … . . Spiritual but not religious … . . but then Zeus barked at me a year after his death . I was not the only one to witness it . You see Zeus died on August 27 , 2009 . For the last four years of his life , he was getting Reiki every Thursday at 10 : 00am in Virginia , and I swear he knew that it was Thursday and it was our time together . Zeus died … . A year later , Pouch , our Golden retriever , was diagnosed with Lymphocytic leukemia , cancer in one word . I thought he might benefit from Reiki , so I took an appointment for him . It was a Thursday at 10 : 00am , I guess nobody took Zeus ' spot . Yes , it was eerie to go back one year after his death . I had been at that place so often . As a matter of fact , I won 't be ever able to go back there . Too many ghosts now . Zeus , Pouch , Lola , Buddy … . . Anyway , when we left the place , it was Pouch , me and Jessica , my daughter . She was playing with her Ipod and suddenly when we were leaving the parking lot , I heard some barking , and asked her how she was making her Ipod bark . She had to remove her ear things and screamed at me : " Mom stop ! You must have hit a dog ! " Pouch , our Golden , was on his four legs listening to the bark as well . Except that there was no dog under my car , there was no dog anywhere . The bark was coming from my truck but at the same time from far away . It was Zeus ' bark . He barked at me for over a mile after we left the place , and then it was a deafening silence . What was the purpose ? Why was he barking at me ? From where ? Was it to tell me : " Hey bitch this was my spot , it was our time together . You can 't rob us from that moment . " Or was it just to say hi ? Zeus stayed quiet after that for a long time , then on August 27 , 2012 , around 9 : 00 something am , my door bell rang . I lived in the middle of nowhere , so I was quite surprised that someone got to my door so early . I opened it … . No one . I closed it . The door bell rang again . So , I left the door a bit ajar with my mutts barking all over . I thought it might have been a mischievous woodpecker . The door bell rang twice more , and then it never happened ever again . I was texting my daughter about it , and of course , I might be slow some time , Jessica screamed at me ( meaning she texted me in capital letters ! ) " MOM THIS IS ZEUS ' DEATH ANNIVERSARY . " And yes , he died around 9 : 15am on that day . Was it a warning ? That ring bell froze my blood afterwards . You see two days later , my beautiful and sweet 3 and half year old black lab , George , was put to sleep out of the blue from Lyme nephritis . He was fine until his last evening . So , was Zeus trying to warn me that something was off ? I never heard from Zeus ever again . It will be four years this year . The thing is I was not even thinking about him that morning , and the time before , yes it was sad to go back to a place where I had been so many times but I was not looking for any sign , so why ? So yes , my dogs could be over the rainbow bridge , and I do hope that they are and that at one point , I will see them again , but … . . spiritual but not religious … . What if we were just the most sophisticated game in the universe and that freaking alien kids are having a lot of fun with me and my love for my dogs … . and my friends ? So the dogs get cancer , and the friends all die from heart attacks … . Not bad . Sorry Matt Damon but this has been my theory for a long time … . . Just the most sophisticated game in the universe … . . Dominique Darcis2016 - 08 - 15 23 : 28 : 312016 - 08 - 15 23 : 28 : 31What if . . . . . Blog , Memories A very long goodbye . Monday June 27th , 2016 will be forever engraved in my mind . You see , I lost many dogs before , some from long illnesses , some on the spur of the moment kind of thing , but I never before scheduled an euthanasia for a specific day and time . After she was gone , I realized than more than any of my other dogs , she was my heart dog . I always joke around - kind 0f … - saying that pups should come with a label : " they will fill you life with joy but one day will break your heart . " I am just not sure how many times a heart can be broken . Lola it was ten years of my life . Lola it was a very hectic beginning when she was a pup , and had no manners . I always crated my dogs , except Pouch ( don 't even ask about the name , please ! ) , my Golden retriever who was claustrophobic , but crating Lola , was like crating Niagara Falls . So , yes , Lola and I had a very rocky start . I never had a lab pup before . Had rescued labs and other breeds but never a lab pup , and Gosh she was handful . I even fired a trainer who told me my dog was hopeless and had ADD . She was four months old for God sake ! But I did fired her ( not Lola , the trainer ! ) , and it felt good because she hated Lola , and I could feel it with every pore of my skin . Lola , it was all about making me happy and proud of herself . She mastered in no time the sit , stay position , and was always looking at me with her big eyes like " I want to make you happy and proud of me … . " And she did . She was the only dog I could always trust without a leash , and no , I would never ever have said to anyone coming with another dog " My dog is nice and just wants to play ! " because she never ever did anything I did not agree to . I was in control all the time , leashed or unleashed . She loved the water like no any other dog . When she was a few months old , her mission in life was to retrieve every leaf from the C & O Canal , and it was Fall time , so the mission was a hard one . No matter how much she loved the water , if I said no , she never ever went without my approval . Lola , I just had to look at her , and she knew without a word . She knew . If we were going to go for a ride , or to sneak out just the two of us , she always knew . She had cancer , kind of a bi - polar cancer … so one day , I was all smile , and the next day , I was all tears . The three weeks after she was diagnosed with cancer - I can 't tell you which one , because I never knew - the only thing I knew was that it was a freaking roller coaster cancer . One day , she was going to be okay if we remove a lobe of her lungs , the next day she had cancer in her liver and spleen . The next day , it would be okay if she had lymphoma and everything will go away with chemo ( I knew it was true because I have my sweet Maia fighting lymphoma right now ) and then it was not lymphoma . She faded so fast , and I just could not stand the idea of her being in pain . Yes , my philosophy is that it 's better to let them go a week too early than 5 minutes too late . Easy to say , but I owed her that part . We might not do it with humans but I will do it with my dogs any day because that 's how much I love them and respect them . I will deal with myself later . As a matter of fact , that 's exactly what I am doing right now . Dealing with myself . I had to get that post out of my system . My brain won 't be able to think about anything else until I write about my long goodbye . That morning , she was next to me in my bed , looking at me with her big eyes when I woke up , and immediately I knew why I was so sad . Today was the day where I was going to lose her . She did not know that , and dogs are not afraid of death . I was just alone with my dog 's death , no matter the crowd , no matter anything . It was between her and me . Monday is my day off , so I tried to do my errands as I always do . It was a hot day . And I just arrived at Target , and then stopped and thought " what am I doing here when my dog is going to be dead in 8 hours ? " So , I left , I rushed back to her , and I found her in my office with tired eyes . I spent a lot of time lying on the floor with her that day . I wanted to remember forever the softness of her ears . Even with closed eyes , I could recognize her just by touching her ears . I talked to her a lot that day . She listened . I did not cry . Crying would be for later , like now . I reminded her of our crazy nights . Lola was tennis balls obsessed and some times , in the middle of the night , she was waking me up with her ball in her mouth and looking at me like " can we go play ? " , and yes sometimes we did . With a flash light and the moon as a witness we played ball in the backyard . Lola = tennis balls + swimming . When 6 : 30 pm came , my daughters were there . My vet arrived . Gosh , she loved my vet . He told me later than Lola 's eyes when she saw him was a moment he will remember for the rest of his life . She left … . And it 's at that time that I realized the immensity of my loss . I will not dare removing the nose art on my truck window . She came back in a box , and the only place which made sense was in my bedroom , on my dresser , because even if I am asleep , that 's where I spent the most time in the house these days . And yes , every morning , when I wake up , it takes me a few seconds to realize why I am so sad : I had just lost my heart dog : LOLA . Dominique Darcis2016 - 08 - 10 01 : 36 : 312016 - 08 - 10 01 : 37 : 17A very long goodbye . Memories The Dog Who Never Barked It started years ago . My daughter Jessica was 10 , and she wanted to go see the puppies . Now , I am sure I would not even consider going to that place , but at that time , yes we did . Sue me ! It was just a pet store which is still around even now , forbidden place for me since I don 't want to get mad , and I will , trust me on that one , seeing pups in small cages , pups coming from puppy mills and whose owner don 't give a damn about the dogs , there are just there for the dollars . We came in , and immediately were taken aback by the number of pups in glass cages , looking at you with those eyes . If I had been a millionaire , I would have taken everyone home with me , but I was not . Coming out of the brouhaha of that Saturday morning , a " sales person " was carrying back to his crate a Golden retriever puppy , commenting on his status " Everyone wanted to see him , but nobody wanted to take him home ! " What do you want me to say ? Yes , I did endorse that place by taking the pup . Between Jessica 's eyes , and the pups ' scared eyes , how could I not ? He was 3 months old , coming from a puppy mill which closed down six months later , he went home with us . It was the time of the Nano pet . Do you remember those ? The only thing I remember from them was that they were forbidden in schools ; therefore I had to take care of the Nano pet while I was at work , and otherwise the darn thing was going to die ! Great technology , I am telling you ! The puppy from the puppy mill got a name , the one from the Nano thing ! Pouch . Douchka was not crazy about him . He was just a puppy , and at that time , she had no patience for puppies . It changed later on in her life . Even my " au pair " girl did not like him . But Pouch was home for good . I never ever thought about getting rid of one of my furry kids . They are my furever kids no matter what . I always crated our pups , but Pouch was not going to take it . Later on , we realized that Pouch was claustrophobic . He could not stand small spaces : crates or my truck , but it took us a while to figure it out . Pouch 's crate was our kitchen that he started to remodel to his tastes ! Despite of all his chew toys , he decided that the best toys in the world were the moldings ! Gosh , he loved to chew on it , no matter what . I put tabasco , hot pepper , nothing worked . I just had to be patient , and wait until he was done destroying the kitchen , and believe me or not , it happened Pouch was our goofy boy . When he was a teenager , at one point , I heard some crunching noise , and could not figure out where it was coming from . I went to the dining room and saw our boy chewing Cognac glasses . Yes , they were clean , and I had just bought them , not because I like hard liquors but because the glasses were cool . Called my vet who told me to give him some bread . I did not have bread , so instead he got croissants , and everything went down smoothly . Good old Pouch . I will always remember those glasses ! Pouch was stubborn , extremely stubborn ! At one point , I took a trainer . The trainer gave up on him . He was pulling on his leash no matter what , and her answer was " he wants to be the leader , let him be ! " . One day we took him to a field , and she told me : " You are going to see why he is called a retriever ! " , and she threw a ball . Pouch stayed there , sitting down , and looked at us like " Am I supposed to do something with that thing ? " Pouch did not retrieve ! Pouch hated the water ! I remember one time where we were walking along the canal , and he suddenly rolled on his back in the grass along the path , and I saw it coming : he just rolled into the canal , and yes , he almost drowned in 3 feet of water . I had to go to rescue him . That was our boy ! Pouch , as any Golden retriever , did not have one mean bone in his body . That 's just the way they are ! One day , I was walking my bunch : Douchka , Pouch , Sammie ( my little one ) , and Jet , my lab , and Pouch loved to be ahead of us . Suddenly I heard Sammie bark , a weird bark that I had never heard before . I rushed , and I saw Pouch sitting quietly with a groundhog hanging from his cheek . I had to kick the darn thing out , but my boy never moved . He was ok , but he was just sitting there , ignoring that beast which was hanging on his cheek . That was our boy ! He became kind of lost when Jessica went to college . She was coming back most of the weekends , but he lost his routine there . He loved to sleep in her room no matter what . One morning I put all the dogs out , and Pouch was MIA . I called him . Nothing . I went to Jessica 's room . He was not there . I even looked under her bed , like if a 100 lbs . dog could squeeze there ! I became frantic pretty soon . Did I forget to take him back inside the night before , and he escaped ? What was I going to say to Jessica ? I lost your dog … . . I was just freaking out ! I had gone through the whole house unsuccessfully . Suddenly I thought the only place I had not checked was Jessica 's bathroom . As soon as I opened the door , I saw him , sitting and kind of scared . Hey , he heard me screaming all over the bloody house , but he stayed there , still , not barking , quiet , waiting for the storm to pass . I still remember that morning like if it were yesterday . Crying through my smiles , we had a very special walk that morning , the two of us . I remember the horses , the geese flying over us , and that quiet and serene walk . It was a beautiful morning , and I realized that day how much I was taking him for granted . At the age of 12 and half , Pouch was diagnosed with Lymphocytic leukemia . He was a fighter , and with the help of chemotherapy , he stayed with us for almost two years . The leukemia did not kill him but he also had all sorts of tumors growing in his body . One day , he suddenly could not stand on his feet . His spirit was intact , but he had no more control of his legs . I guess a tumor was in control of his brain . I remember his eyes : he looked so lost . He was looking at me with hope . I was the " fixer " , and I did fixed him . We put him to sleep . Jessica and I were with him until the last minute and after . Until almost the end , he was eating his favorite treat : dried freeze liver . His spirits were good . We let him go because it was the right thing to do . It doesn 't mean that it was easy or easier . I never realized until he was gone how much of an impact he had on our lives . I know he is well . Sometimes I can feel his presence . Some mornings , I can see him lying in the sunrise on my bedroom floor . I know he is in a good place , but Gosh , I never realized before he left us how much I was going to miss that dog who never barked . Dominique Darcis2015 - 12 - 23 22 : 25 : 202015 - 12 - 23 22 : 25 : 20The Dog Who Never BarkedHealth & Nutrition , Memories , Veterinary Open Letter to George Exactly one year ago , at 4 : 15 pm , we put you to sleep . Labor Day weekend will always be associated with you , no matter what . Here goes one less holiday to celebrate ! I hope you are in peace , free of pain , my beautiful boy . I am not going to lie to you . This weekend was tough . I was reliving almost hour by hour our last two days together . I still look at the last picture I took from you on that Sunday when you were so vibrant of life . It was so hard to let you go . I stopped calling your name in the yard which was a way to believe that you were still around . Not because I thought the neighbors would think I am crazy , but because it was upsetting too much your sister , and partner in crime , Sophie . Each time I say your name , she goes by the glass door to wait for you . I just couldn 't do that to her . A few weeks after you crossed the rainbow bridge , our neighbor , the one with the pool , came all the way to the house to see if you were OK . His wife told him that she did not hear me screaming your name anymore in the yard . My free spirited dog ! Even the last night before horror slapped me in the face , I remembered how exasperated I was around 10 : 00 pm because you were still playing in the yard . But you came , my wild boy , with that grin which got me since the day you were born . The first few weeks after you left us were tough . I am not going to deny it , and you must have known it . First , there was Sophie who refused to eat for several days and was standing by the door , waiting for you . If my heart had not been already broken , she would have broken it a bit more . My ex vet used to say that animals don 't mourn . This is crap , you know , because Sophie was in mourning for a very long time . Sophie never replaced you . It would have been easy for her to hang out with one of your siblings , Max or Jackson , but no , since that September 4th , she is a loner . Don 't get me wrong , she does enjoy life , food , walks , and her bumper , but no one replaced you . You were like attached by the hip to her , and now she just stands by herself . I wish you could have seen us - me and her - when she came home one morning with a dead squirrel in her mouth . She was so proud of herself ! And I was so freaking out ! Since that morning , you know Sophie , my wild child , and she decided since the squirrel episode , that she can 't have breakfast before killing a stuffed toy ! So , while I am fixing their meals , she is running around like a nut with a toy in her mouth , shaking it , until she is sure the darn thing is dead , and then she comes for breakfast . I talk about you a lot , I think about you a lot , and if I could resume you with one word , it would have been : HAPPY ! I never saw a dog as happy as you were . Ever . And the last picture of you , when you were coming from the intensive care unit with all your IVs and catheter , and God knows what else ; you were still wagging that tail ! My happy boy ! After you left me , I found your spot in the yard where you had buried all your treasures : your candy cane toy , and carrots , lots of rotten carrots ! George , you were never starved ! Why on earth did you have to bury these carrots like you were anticipating bad days coming ? I have that memory of you when I was coming home , and I was seeing you coming from the back of the house at full speed towards me . You never figured out how to slow down . Always bumping into me at full speed with that big grin ! Gosh , I miss your grin ! I don 't know how long it took me until I stopped expecting your 80lbs of full happiness on my lap each time I was sitting down ! You were my lapdog ! From the minute you were born , you were so glued to me . The first rides in the car , you had to be on my lap ! I know that the girls said that our bond was because I cut your umbilical cord , but I don 't know anymore . I just know that my lap is meaningless now that you are gone . Today , I wanted to tell you George that we are going to celebrate you with a roasted chicken . Remember how you almost took my fingers away one day when you stole a chicken , and I got it back from you , kind of . These were the good days … . I am missing you like every single day since you left us , and I wanted to tell you that I would give anything to have you back just for one minute , just for one minute . RIP my beautiful boy ! We had so many great moments together , not just enough years . Note : George died from Lyme Nephritis . He had no symptoms until the last days . He was " normal George " until September 3rd when he woke up with swollen limbs and was diagnosed with kidney failure . He had his Lyme shot as well as Front line . It was not enough . The vets did everything they could to save him , but it was too little too late . If you have a young lab or golden retriever , be sure to check them for Lyme often no matter what . That specific condition doesn 't happen that often , maybe a dog in thousands , but it really doesn 't matter when it 's yours . I really did not know much about labs . Mostly the picture I had in my mind was a big fat thing snoring around . Sorry guys . I know this is so so wrong , but hey it was how I was picturing a lab until I met Jet . Jet was my boyfriend 's lab , and I suspect , no I know , that I stayed with him for his dog . I fell in love with that black thing immediately . Jet was a working dog , and loved to go hunting with his Dad . But , as he was getting older , it became more and more difficult for him to get up early and go freeze his butt in a field . He still liked the idea , but his joints were too stiff in the morning to really go for it . At that time , I already had Douchka , a German shepherd , and Pouch , our Golden retriever . Both of them accepted Jet pretty fast . Douchka being Douchka started by showing him who was the boss , but she would have died to protect him or Pouch or her humans . Pouch was Pouch , our gentledog , and started to hang out a lot with Jet , sharing bones , and playing tug war . Every day , I was taking the three of them to walk in a big field , leash free . They minded me … . . Most of the time . We had a few adventures that way . The field which was a Pepco facility field was surrounded by houses on both sides . One day , a Sunday , I was walking them around lunch time , and the three of them started running around . They disappeared for ten seconds , and then came back like accomplices licking their lips . I did not have a second to wonder what mischief they had got into that I heard a guy screaming at his wife : " Honey where did you put the hot dogs ? " , and a female voice replying " They are on the patio table . " " No , they are not ! The dish is empty . Where are the $ # $ @ # # $ $ hotdogs ? " Needless to say and yes , with some shame , I have to acknowledge that the four of us ran away from the screaming house as fast as we could . I never walked them again around lunch time on weekends there . That field was not flat . At one point there was a big hill , and Jet got me there one time … . He started to rush to climb that hill , and I did not mind . I mean , I did not know him that well at that time . At one point , at the top of the hill , he turned back his face towards me , and then disappeared . I started running with my two other buddies following me . I arrived at the top of the hill , and Jet was nowhere to be seen . I totally panicked , and started running around and screaming his names : nothing . I ran back to my truck with the dogs , and started to drive around the neighborhood . Thank God , it was a very quiet neighborhood but nothing . It was like he had vanished from the field . Not knowing what else to do , I went back to the field , and there , on the sidewalk , sitting quietly , was Jet waiting for me . It did make sense . It was where we parked , and once he finished exploring whatever he was doing ( I learned later that he was visiting a Dalmatian girl who lived close by ) he went back waiting for me , his human , who had left him alone in the wild world ! A few times , he tried to play that trick again on me , but as soon as I was seeing him going faster to climb that hill , I was right behind him ! Jet was the first dog that had a great sense of humor ! We communicated well . He came with me everywhere : from work to errands . Everyone knew him . If I were going to make a deposit at a bank , there was always a cookie ready for him . The front passenger seat was his , and he was anticipating my driving . So many times , when he was seeing a stop sign coming , he was putting one of his front paws on the dashboard to keep his balance . What did he think ? I was not going to send him through the windshield . We went to Florida two summers in a row with him , and he loved it . He loved the swimming pool where he could retrieve his favorite ball in warm and clear water . He loved our walks on the beach , jumping into the Gulf waters . Jet loved water . He must have been a fish in another life . The first summer in Florida was so much fun for him . The second summer was not as fun . He was slowing down and was still enjoying the swimming pool but he left the Gulf alone that time . During our walks , sometimes he was looking at me with tired eyes , wanted to go back home , and I was just following him , whatever his body was telling him to do . He was my sweet boy . My office was in the basement , and like many of my other labs , his idea of relaxing was to be under my desk on my feet . The issue started to be the stairway , and if he were upstairs while I was at my desk , he was going to the top of the stairs , and calling me to help him . He had so many different barks : One time , it was before 9 / 11 , and I was supposed to pick up the boyfriend from the airport . So , we went together , Jet and I , and were waiting for him in the terminal , sitting on a bench . A guy came to sit next to me and started a conversation . Jet was there with his big face on my lap , looking at the guy . Suddenly an awful reeking odor of spoiled rotten eggs with maybe a touch of musk surrounded us . The guy looked at me with disgust and ran away ! I swear my darn dog was smiling like " That will teach him ! " The last Fall we had together , Jet started to get really fat , you know like the idea of I had of labs before knowing one . Something wrong with him . Xrays were done , and the vet wanted to do an exploratory surgery , and we went for it . I still remember that morning . Jet was not too happy since he had no food , but we went together in my truck like old buddies , like always . He went to the vet office with a wagging tail . He always liked the place . I gave him a huge hug and there he went . I was so antsy that day . Waiting for a call to give me an update on his condition , I decided to go to a local pet store to buy him a new bed . He would need to be very comfy after the surgery . I was on my way there when I received THE call . The vet told me that he had liver cancer with bleeding tumors , and nothing could be done . The only thing was to put him to sleep while he was still under the anesthesia . I remember the connection was not good , and right then in a minute , I had to let him go . Why the sky was still blue , the trees with glorious colors when my boy had just left this earth and crossed over the rainbow bridge ? Later on , when I split with the boyfriend , he let me have his ashes for my kitchen furniture , a real small price to pay to keep my boy home . Jet is always the first one to move to a new home ! He was my first lab , and he made me fall in love forever with that breed : the amazing , smart , loving , beautiful Labrador Retriever . Dominique Darcis2015 - 12 - 23 22 : 01 : 472015 - 12 - 23 22 : 01 : 54JET , or My First Labrador RetrieverMemories Who Would Not Want To Communicate With Their Deceased Pet ? It did not happen in one day . I did not get up one morning , and thought : Today , I want to talk to my deceased furry kid ! All my furry kids who crossed over the rainbow bridge are in peace . I know it , I can feel it . Sometimes I feel their presence for some short seconds surrounding me , and that 's enough for me . Zeus was the only one who did more than that : He barked at me from the other side , and I wrote about it some time ago . ( www . zeuscorner . com / dominique / i - do - believe - that - somewhere - there - is - a - bridge - over - the - rainbow / ) But it was Zeus , the love of my life ! Then there was George . George died in traumatic circumstances a year ago last September at the age of 3 . He was my clingy one . He was my furever kid except that the furever thing lasted 3 years , 5 months and 14 days . After he passed , I was in such pain that I really did not think about him being in peace . I was just missing my boy . Then , little by little , I settled into a life without George . With his first death anniversary coming , I just realized that I never , ever had any special moment coming from him . I started wondering if he were in peace , or if there was anything I could do to make him being in peace . Yes , you can call me crazy if you want ! I don 't mind . I started thinking about animal communicators . My only experience with one was not good , but I know that out there , there are real ones . It 's just tough to find the one . I started asking friends about it , and I got a name . Too bad , she was in sabbatical year , and was only treating emergencies . Another one who was recommended by another friend never contacted me despite of some emails . Funny thing , one day , because of Zeus Corner , I was contacted by an animal communicator who sent me an email saying that someone wanted to talk to me from the other side . I , immediately , thought it had to be George ! At the time scheduled for our conversation , with my heart beating at 500 beats a minute , I answered my phone . She asked a few questions . My concern was George . Was he in peace or was he running around tortured and could I do something about it if it were the case ? Apparently , it was not the right question . I was not getting it right , and then she started talking , talking , talking and talking . George was barely mentioned … Hello ? I want to talk to my boy ! Isn 't it what it was all about ? But no , she went on talking , and to tell you the truth , she gave me a bad headache . I did not want to hurt her feelings . I just put the phone on speaker , and heard her voice speaking at 100 miles an hour while I was taking 3 Advil . Why 3 ? One doesn 't work for me , 2 might , but 3 definitely will , so why take chances ? She talked for an hour , barely stopping for breathing . I tried to interrupt her a few times unsuccessfully . Was it a recording ? She kept repeating the same thing over , and over again , but it had nothing to do with my dog . She did drain me . I give you that ! When I hung up , I felt relieved . She wanted to have a deal on Zeuscorner , but I did not follow up with it . I just could not . Years ago , my oldest daughter lost a dog , Lorelei , in tragic circumstances . Her collar broke ; she crossed a road , got hit by a car , and was put to sleep at the emergency . She was only 6 months old . Later on , Deborah told me that she was talking with Lorelei through an animal communicator , and that , at one point , she was going to be reincarnated and the animal communicator will tell her which breeder to go to in order to have a girl back . She had to call every week to make sure Lorelei knew that she loved her . My daughter was young , in college , and she was paying $ 120 . 00 for each session . I talked with Deborah about it , and she broke my heart when she told me " Mom , I know that most likely it 's not true , but if there is only 1 chance out of 100 that it 's really Lorelei who communicates with me , I just can 't let her down . " We agreed on one thing . I was going to call that lady and see what would be coming out of our conversation . I called , was immediately charged $ 120 . 00 with the assurance that if she could not locate my dog , I would get a refund . Fair . I asked to talk to my shepherd Douchka who died a few years before . She asked me why now ? And my answer was : " why not ? " She told me that my dog might have been already reincarnated but she was going to try . I described Douchka : black , tan with some white . I did not mention though that Douchka was a long hair German shepherd . Then , she started talking , saying that she was seeing a big dog coming towards her . She asked me if Douchka had a big bark . Duh … . What do you think lady ? We are talking about a 100 lbs . dog ! Then , I heard her asking someone : " Are you Douchka ? Dominique wants to talk to you . " She , then , came back to me and told me that Douchka agreed to talk to me . I told her that I needed to be sure that it was my dog she was talking to , and I asked her to describe her . She became kind of defensive , and told me she was facing a German shepherd black , tan with some white and straight ears . I asked her how her hair was . Short ? She snapped at me that of course her hair was very short . It was a German shepherd we were talking about ! I kind of lost it right there , so angry that someone could play with others ' feelings , raw feelings to make a few bucks , ok , more than a few bucks . I could never stand people who are taking advantage of others . To make a long story short , she issued me a refund as well as for my daughter 's prior sessions . A few months later , her website disappeared from the WWW . Good riddance . It did not help my daughter though who was so tortured by the death of Lorelei , feeling I guess a bit guilty about the collar which broke . Suddenly I had a thought . I had a very good friend , Joe , who some years ago told me the story of his lab and his daughter . His lab was getting old with arthritis and all the bad stuff which happens with age , and one evening , his daughter came to see him and told him that Samantha , their lab , wanted to go , but she was staying alive because of him , because she was scared he was not ready to let her go . Joe who is a no BS guy looked at his 12 year old daughter , and the concern in her eyes , and agreed to do something . The same evening , he sat down with Samantha , stroked her ears , looked at her eyes , and told her that she had been the best companion ever , and if it was her time to go , he will be fine . The next morning , he got up , and Samantha was in her bed , but her soul was gone . She had crossed over the Rainbow Bridge that night . Joe 's daughter moved some years ago to Colorado where she became an animal communicator , and worked mostly with horses . Deborah called her , and got at last peace . She was told that Lorelei was in peace , and that a very tiny red dog was around her . A few years before , Deborah had a small dog Foxy , that we found tied up to a pole in the middle of winter and who lived his last few years with us . If that little feisty guy was around , then Deborah knew that her girl was going to be fine , and Deborah got finally some closure and moved on . It was just an additional paw print engraved in her heart . Please do not ask me the name of that lady or a phone number . Don 't you think that if I still had them I would have called another animal communicator ? Joe died some years ago , and I just lost his daughter 's information at one point in my life . Yes , there are animal communicators out there . Some are real , and some are there for the quick bucks . No , I will not try anymore to communicate with my boy through anyone . He has to be with all my other furry kids , somewhere over the rainbow , and maybe one day , when I least expect it , I will be able to feel a piece of George 's spirit surrounding me , or maybe not … . Dominique Darcis2015 - 12 - 23 21 : 57 : 402015 - 12 - 23 21 : 59 : 53Who Would Not Want To Communicate With Their Deceased Pet ? Memories I Do Believe That Somewhere There Is A Bridge Over The Rainbow I was not sure what to believe when they take their last breath in my arms . I wanted to believe that they have to be pain free somewhere , and I kind of liked the over the rainbow thing . Sometimes , I feel their presence , sometimes . Sometimes , they come to my dreams . I remember 7 years ago when our little one , Foxy , had a traumatic death , how upset I was . A few nights later , he visited me in my dreams , in a vivid one , running in the front yard where the grass was so green , and rolling on this back , and I knew he was ok . Sometimes , it 's like a feeling that one or the other is there . I don 't need an animal communicator . I just know they are around . It became even more obvious in 2010 . Zeus died on August 27 , 2009 . Until almost his death , we were going every Thursday at 10 : 00 am to get Reiki in Great Falls with a great lady , Ingrid . I swear the darn dog knew when it was Thursday , and he was waiting by the front door each time ! A few months after Zeus ' passing , Pouch , our Golden retriever , our Gentledog , was diagnosed with Lymphocytic Leukemia , and later on , I thought that maybe Reiki will give him more energy . Amazingly , we had an appointment with Ingrid on Zeus ' day at the same time . I went there with Jessica , my youngest daughter . First time I was going back there and it was a bitter sweet visit . We left the place , Jessica was on her IPod , and while she was picking up song , I heard a bark . I asked Jessica how she made her IPod barked , and she looked at me like I was crazy . At the same time , we heard another bark , and Pouch heard it too , and stood up . Jessica screamed at me to stop that I must have run over a dog . The barks were coming from the car , but at the same time , they sounded far away . Of course , when I checked the car , there was no dog stuck anywhere . I went back to my car , and while driving away from the Reiki place , there were more barks while I was crying like a baby , and the barking stopped maybe a mile , a mile and half away from there . Yes , it was Zeus , it was his bark . We shared so many Thursdays together over there . It was our special time together , and I hope - but it has to be that - he just wanted to cheer me up . I did not dream it . I had four and two legged ones as witnesses ! The thing is I was not expecting any sign from him . I was just sad . Was he barking for me or for Pouch ? Selfishly , I want to believe that it was for me , and that it was to tell me he was still around . It has to be that , what else could it be ? Dominique Darcis2015 - 12 - 23 21 : 55 : 372016 - 09 - 30 20 : 24 : 10I Do Believe That Somewhere There Is A Bridge Over The RainbowMemories A Great Lady to Remember : Barbara Kummel , DVM In my house , I am surrounded by books . I will never let them go , no matter what . They are part of me , and who I am . A few people I was lucky enough to meet changed me as well . One of them has been gone for some years now , but I believe that as long as someone will write or talk about her , she will never be dead and forgotten . I still remember the last time I saw her at her office . I was in the lobby , and I saw her coming towards us , Maia and me , gliding more than walking , with that Barbara 's smile on her face . There are smiles and smiles ; this one was in her eyes as well . Last time I saw her alive . 4 days later , she was gone . Later on , after knowing her more , I realized how unique she was : the gentlest soul I have ever met . She had an uncanny way of interacting with my pack of dogs , not that she saw them all together , but labs and goldens are pretty bad with allergies , so one after the other , they had the privilege of meeting Barb . And believe me , it was a privilege . She had a way with animals that no other vet I met ever had , or was even close to . She was treating them as living beings , it did not matter for her that they had four legs and a tail ! There was no inferiority or superiority , just differences … I never heard her doing puppy talk or kitty talk with them . No condescendence there , just plain loving care . Every gesture she ever made was just about caring . Memories , memories … . Seeing her at work making stitches on my Golden retriever was seeing an artist at work . The stitches could have received an award for Beauty . For me , stitches were stitches until Barb . Then , they became a celebration of love and care . Barb was also the only one that I trusted 100 % for anything related to animals . Yes , she was a vet , but as a dogs ' Mom , she had taken before all the decisions that I took or will take . She always wanted to do what was the best for them , not for her or for me , and I followed her path , because it was mine as well . She was an amazing diagnostician . My last vivid vision of her is in her exam room with Maia . She was talking to me and Maia must have felt neglected because suddenly she lifted her paw to grab Barb 's arm and attention . The smile she had at that minute was one I put in a box , and I will always open the box carefully , in order not to let it escape : it was a moving smile made of love , care , fondness , tenderness with a tiny bit of surprise .

" How are you doing today Michael ? You feeling any better after your haphazard sleepless night last night ? I hope Trent was some help ? " Michael sunk a little deeper into the chair and sighed . Even if Sarah had told Trent to sleep with him , he was still embarrassed that she knew they slept together with Trent holding Michael . " Last night helped a lot when Trent came in and slept with me . I think it helped me just stop and breath enough to get some much needed sleep . I 'm starting to get things sorted out in my head . At least up to this point , I 'm pretty sure that I won 't be going home for a little while , even if my Mother is okay with me being gay . I think the tension between my parents is going to go on for a while and they need their time to figure out where each one stands and how they are going to resolve their differences , providing my mother is on my side . If I find out differently , then it looks like you 'll have me until at least graduation . I have to finish high school and figure out how I 'm going to get into college . " " I want you to really slow down Michael . I think it 's hard for you to do that isn 't it ? " Michael just looked up at her , unsure of what to say . " I think you 've been too hard on yourself in the past couple of years . I believe the gay issue has been hanging over you like a lead weight and it 's still there but it 's different now . You need time to adjust to knowing that your parents know . Give them time , and do the same for yourself . They aren 't the only ones that are in turmoil . It 's not as a matter of knowing or not knowing anymore , they know now . " Sarah got up from the seat she was sitting in and came around to sit next to Michael . " I know you 're going through a hard time . I want you to know that Clay and I are behind you . And if it works out for you and Trent , then we 're behind both of you . If things don 't work out with you two , then you 're still welcome here for as long as you want or need to be . We both mean what we said about staying here until you finish college . Clay wanted all of his kids to go to college . That 's not going to happen , cause two of the older girls didn 't want to . They wanted to get married instead , which is fine with us . If they decide to go later we 'd still help them . I know school is important to you as does Clay . That being said please don 't worry about school . You talk to Clay when you are ready to go to school , Michael . I 'm going to tell you now so you have time to process it and think about it . Clay is going to want to make sure you go and I am more than happy to agree with him on this one . Too many things have happened in your life , it 's time that some good things come your way . A father who doesn 't have a good relationship with his son or daughter has lost a valuable piece of his life . " " We know we aren 't responsible Michael . Please hear me out . You 're going through so much and we both know from what you and Trent have said that you going to school is very important to you . Trent told us Monday night that you had problems at home with your father . We were a little prepared when you showed up Tuesday night with Trent . So this isn 't an overnight decision . As a matter of fact , it 's only just begun for all of us . I just want you to know that we are here to help you get through this tough time , however long it takes , and Clay is very concerned that you could sidestep college for a while and try to make it on your own , which is understandable . Nonetheless , we don 't want to see you struggle when it isn 't necessary . Would you at least agree with me on that one ? " Michael was holding himself in check . " Yes I do . " " Then I want you to just remember that for now . And not worry about anything else . Just know that you can go to school without the worry and we really want to see you go Michael , both of us . " He knew if he didn 't stop this conversation he was going to lose it and then he 'd be a basket case . He didn 't want to do that . He was trying so hard to be a man , however , inside him he was still the little kid who couldn 't hold on much any longer . " Thank you for everything . I never expected anyone to do something like this for me in my whole life . I didn 't think there were people in the world that cared . . . " Michael just couldn 't hold back , his emotions had been so raw lately . Sarah leaned over and let her mothering instincts take over , pulling Michael against her so that he would just let it out . There was a knock on the door . " Come in . " Trent could hear Michael and his heart just melted , knowing he was in pain again . He knew Michael was stressed out over everything going on at his house and he was trying to make it seem like it wasn 't bothering him as much as it was . But Trent knew better . He just hadn 't been able to get Michael to open up to him yet . His mother got up and Trent sat down and took Michael in his arms . " I 'll be in the kitchen , Trent , when you come out . " Trent nodded to his mother . He just held Michael and let him cry . It was breaking his heart that he was so unhappy . " Come on buddy , it 's going to be all right . I promise . We 'll just sit here until you 're ready to get up . No matter what , I 'm here for you , just so you know that right ? " Michael just nodded his reply and kept holding on , he wasn 't crying as much as he had been . Everything in the past couple of days was just catching up to him and he was fighting so hard to be tough , but his world had fallen apart . And all of a sudden he was just feeling helpless and lost . " It 's going to be all right , Michael , honest , I 'm not going to leave you , I 'm going to stay right here for now until you 're ready to move . " Trent adjusted himself so that he could hold Michael better than he was . Another twenty minutes elapsed before Michael moved . " It 's all right , Mikey . I 'm here for you . Whatever you need me to help you with , I 'm more than glad to help you whenever you need it . " Holding Trent 's hand Michael followed behind without question . As they entered the kitchen Sarah instructed them to sit down . " Dr . Davis is coming over , he 's our neighbor next door here , Michael . I want you to talk to him for a few minutes and tell him what 's going on . I told him the basics of what 's been going on but I want you to just talk to him . I asked him to give you something that will help you calm down and help you sleep . As a mother I would be doing the same for my children . " " I 'm glad you feel that way , Michael , he 'll be here in a few minutes . " The back door opened slowly and Dr . Davis entered the room . He crossed the room and Michael was taken aback by the fact that the Doctor stood about as tall as himself , perhaps even shorter . Michael was very conscious about his height and he didn 't find many grown men having his height . At least it seemed that way to him . He looked comfortably dressed , wearing pants with way too many pockets on them and a casual gold shirt that matched the pants in color . Reaching his hand out to Michael he made his own introductions . " I 'm Dr . Drew Davis Michael , glad to meet you . Sarah called and said you might need some help from me . Why don 't we go into her office and we 'll talk for a few minutes . Then we can determine if that 's really true or not . " Dr . Davis headed for her office and Michael turned to follow him . " My sister is coming , Trent . Will you take care of her until I 'm done with Dr . Davis and don 't tell her I 'm talking to a doctor . She 'll just worry and I don 't want her to ? " " Thanks . " They both went into her office . Michael was beginning to feel like this room was problem central , if you had a problem you went here to get it solved . He was beginning to wonder just how bad his problem was , since Trent 's mother called a doctor without even asking him . His stomach was in knots just like it always did with most situations that made him feel distressed . " Sit down , Michael . Sarah gave me a very rough outline of what 's taken place in the past few days . But just let me say what I 've gotten out of what she has said to make sure we are both on the same page . That okay with you ? " " She told me that basically your father has found out that you 're gay and he has thrown you out of the house . You 've landed here as a place to stay , Trent is your current boyfriend , your sister and you are close and she 's on her way over here now . And you believe that your mother knows that you 're gay and she isn 't talking to your father at the moment and you haven 't talked to either of your parents since this has developed . Correct ? " " Yes , I 'm pretty sure that my mother is okay with it , but she 's not talking to my father at all . And she asks my sister what 's going on because she knows that we talk every day . I give her messages through my sister . All I have said at this point is that I 'm safe and I 'm okay . But I haven 't talked directly to my mother and I think until I know some things I 'm not going to . I 'm still uneasy about what she will say . I need to know more before I talk to her . " " I was eleven when I began to understand that my attraction was to men and not to women . I realized that everything the other guys were talking about was how I felt about boys instead of girls . And I knew it was something that I just couldn 't come out to tell my parents . My father is a Major in the Army , so that just made things worse when it came to me even thinking about telling them . My plan was to just get through high school and have them help me through college before I told them , as long as I could hide it that long . But the other day he started on me about not standing up for myself , which wasn 't even the problem at the time , and I was at the end of my rope . Trent doesn 't know this but it was because of our relationship that I snapped . Not that anything was said that I had a boyfriend , but for the first time in my life I had someone in my life that mattered to me and my father was making me feel , well , he was making me feel worthless again . " " So did he throw you out or did you walk out first ? How do you perceive that period of time and everything that was going on at that moment ? As I 'm sure this was highly emotional moment for you and him both . " I would say that it 's fifty - fifty . No , now that I think about it : I walked out in the middle and he threatened me not to open the door or I couldn 't come back . Then I just walked out and for a while I just walked and walked . When I stopped and realized I didn 't know where I was , the only option I had was to call Trent , who at the time I was really mad at , but I didn 't know who else to call since I 'm new to the area . So I broke down at that point and called Trent and he came and got me . And I think since then I 've been trying to process everything and I 'm not doing very well . I 'm beginning to feel like I 'm losing it . " Dr . Davis looked at Michael and he smiled . " You 're very astute for a person your age and as far as how you are handling yourself in this situation . Most kids your age would act out or have emotional problems that they wouldn 't be able to identify within themselves . I think you know what the problems are and you are able to articulate them very well . That being said , I think I would like to put you on two medications for a short term , I don 't think you 're going to need them long term . You 're too much in control of yourself for that . I want to put you on Cymbalta to help you not feel so helpless or hopeless . And at night I want you to take Xanax right before you go to sleep so that you will sleep through the night . That was another thing that Sarah told me about you : she knew for sure last night you had a really hard time sleeping , so the Xanax will take care of that . " No , Michael , they won 't , the Xanax will make you sleepy . Don 't drive while taking them . You can take one during the day but only if you feel stressed out , cause it will help calm you down . Other than that you won 't feel anything . If you do feel weird as you put it : let me know and we 'll try another prescription . I live right next door . If you need me just call me and I 'll come over or you can come over to my house . Here 's my card , all my phone numbers are on there . Don 't be afraid to use them . And what we 've talked about is between you and me , Michael , I won 't be discussing any of this with Sarah or Clay unless you say that it 's okay . " " Thanks Dr . Davis that makes me feel a lot better already , believe me , I really do feel better . And it is okay to tell them but only if they ask , okay ? " Drew Davis shook his head that he was fine with that . " Sometimes that 's all it takes but I still want you taking those pills and each one is the lowest dosage I can give you . So don 't worry , like I said , you won 't be on them long . " The two of them got up and left the office . " Thanks Dr . Davis . " Mandy was sitting at the table talking with Trent and Sarah and was having a cup of coffee with Trent . They were just sitting there talking . Michael went over and hugged Mandy . " It 's good to see you Mikey . " Mandy stood up and hugged her twin brother and didn 't let go immediately . Michael held on as much as she did . " It 's good to see you too , Mandy . That was Dr . Davis . He 's put me on two prescriptions for short term until I relax some more and I feel better about things and the way they are going . One is to calm me down and the other is to help me sleep . I feel better just from talking to him . " " I talked to Mom since we talked , Mikey , and she told me to tell you that she understands and doesn 't have a problem with you being gay . " Michael wanted to cry all over again and then he thought about it and just bit his lip and refused to give into the tears this time . He had had enough and just wanted to stop for a while . But it was a relief that at least his mother was being accepting . On top of talking to Dr . Davis and knowing this piece of information it made Michael feel even better . His shoulders felt a little lighter . " Let me run upstairs and get changed into my bathing suit , Mandy , come with me . You can change in the bathroom upstairs . Michael took Mandy by the hand and told her to just follow him and off they went to Michael 's bedroom . Michael watched Mandy 's face as they went through the living room and up the stairs to his bedroom . He opened the door and let Mandy enter first . " Wow , Michael , this is your bedroom ? " " Mandy , this isn 't even half of it . The Sanders have given me so much and they want to help me . For some reason Trent 's father seems to think I possess some kind of special quality that impresses him . It hasn 't happened yet because I have put my foot down but he wants to put me through school and buy me a car , Mandy ! Clay and I are supposed to go car shopping next Saturday . No car payment , the car will be paid in full and the insurance covered . I only have to pay for gas . You see all these boxes and computer ? Clay and Sarah went out and bought these yesterday , it 's all mine . But I 've told them no more until further notice . " His sister looked at him with disbelief . " I 'm not kidding and Trent is still supposed to take me shopping for clothes , which includes two tailored suits and a bunch of other things to go with the suits . There 's more but we won 't go into it , but it 's another reason I 've had this little meltdown the past like twenty - four hours . I 'll explain more about it later but consequently after seeing and talking to Dr . Davis I do feel a lot better . I 'm going to get those filled tonight before I go to bed . I want to make sure I have the ones that are supposed to help me sleep . If it hadn 't been for Trent sleeping with me I would have never slept last night . " Mandy looked at her brother and raised her eyebrows . " Don 't worry , it was Sarah 's idea and she gave Trent the okay . Evidently , it something that has happened with the boys when they were growing up and Sarah just felt that it was necessary for Trent to help me get some sleep . Nothing happened , so get your mind out of the gutter , my dear big sister . " Michael poked at her sides to attempt tickling her but she could move quicker than him so Michael wasn 't able to tickle her as much as he wanted to . He like to call her his big sister because he told her it meant that she was older than him , thus making him the baby of the family . Mandy would call him little brat sometimes . " Everything you see in here is mine Mandy , the Sanders have been so nice to me . Sit down and we 'll talk for a minute . Actually , go in the bathroom and put your bathing suit on and as soon as I have mine on I 'll knock on the door so you know it 's safe to come out . " No , I won 't lie to you . Mom has come around , Michael , but it 's going to take Dad longer , which doesn 't surprise me and you can 't tell me that you are either . It 's going to take him some time with Mom working at him the whole time . I don 't know how much patience she 'll have with him , Michael , before she tells Dad to fuck off . And I think if he doesn 't come around soon enough , Mom will do just that , Mikey . " Michael looked at his sister in surprise . " I hope not , Mandy , I don 't want to see them get a divorce over me , but that 's their decision , not mine . I wouldn 't expect Mom to walk away from him because he can 't accept the fact that his son is gay . I think it would bother me knowing I was the cause of the divorce but on the other hand if me being gay makes them get one , I wonder just how strong their marriage was to begin with ? " Mandy and Michael just stared at one another and shrugged their shoulders . " Come on , sis , and we 'll go swimming at the indoor pool . Wait until you see this one , you mouth is going to drop the floor , I promise , Mandy , just wait . Remember the grand piano you saw sitting in that little living room ? " Mandy nodded her answer . " Trent can play classical music without sheet music , Mandy , he 's really good . Actually he 's better than good . He said he just doesn 't want to play professionally . I do know that he plays at some bar for tips , the music teacher from school saw him play there and that 's how Trent got into the school band . " " Wow , I 'm impressed that he plays so well . Shit , I 'm surprised that he plays and can play classical . " They got changed and headed back down the stairs and Mandy gazed across the massive size living room . For its size Mandy was surprised at how much of a comfortable laid back feeling you got from the room itself . Nothing was overdone or too ornate . She got the feeling it was a spot you could kick off your shoes wherever you sat and put your feet up on the oversized coffee table . You got the same feeling throughout the house . Nothing was ornate or obtrusive . Mandy was jealous of Michael and wondered how he had gotten into such a situation , that hadn 't been living here long enough for Michael to have found this guy and then somehow hooked up with him . This had only begun after Michael met Trent . Mandy still wasn 't sure what had transpired that day after school between her father and Michael . She felt that her brother wasn 't telling her everything . . She followed Michael until they reached the kitchen . " You know you 're really pushing it today mister . I may be short but I have this incredible reach that a certain person has given me permission to use when I see fit and she 's sitting reallllyy close to you Trent . It wouldn 't take much for me to request for her to make you stand still while I give you a shot upside your head , now would it , Trent ? " Michael laughed , as did Sarah . Trent bolted out of the kitchen towards the stairs , head for the pool . " Oh sure , all talk , that 's all you are Little Buddy ! Just a breath of hot air . " Mandy was laughing at their childish behavior . " Mandy , you gotta help me , he 's going to throw me in the pool , help me , Mandy , please hurry . " Trent popped out from behind a large rubber tree plant , which was across the pool at the other end of the room . Michael took off running towards Trent . The intercom popped on and you could hear Sarah say she hoped Michael wasn 't running in the house again . Trent and Michael looked at each other and laughed . Trent pointed at Michael for having been caught . Trent had learned how to run in the house without pounding his feet on the floor , he just didn 't let the heels of his feet hit the floor . Michael began to circle and Trent kept the distance between them . Mandy dove into the pool and swam around while she watched her brother be happy with another guy , his greatest dream coming true . She couldn 't remember the last time she had seen him happy like this . Trent was the first one of the two to jump in . Michael waited for him to get close enough and he jumped on him . The three of them laughed and splashed each other for a while . Mandy was surprised to see Trent take Michael in his arms while he was leaning against the side of the pool . Michael leaned back into Trent and Trent kissed Michael 's neck . " Okay , you two can get a room . No , never mind that idea , there are too many rooms in this house as it is . What was left of the afternoon the three of them horsed around and played in the pool . Before long Mandy made her excuses that it was time for her to go . " Thanks sis but Trent and I are going to spend the evening watching a movie or two . We need some time together and do some talking , but thanks for inviting us . I 'm glad you came over today . Come on and I 'll take you back to my room . " The three of them gathered all their belongs and headed for the other side of the house . Trent went into his room and Michael and Mandy into his . " Listen , Mikey , if you need anything , all you have to do is call . I keep my phone on at night in case you need me . So I don 't care what time it is , all you have to do is pick up the phone . " Michael hugged Mandy and they just held each other both silently understanding that it was the beginning of the end to their close sibling relationship . They would always be twins but not in the same way it had always been . In the past few days their personal world had shifted away from a world reserved for twins . That bond was beginning to slowly open and the fabric of their souls would never be the same . " I know Mandy , you always have my back , and you always have . You don 't know how much I have hung on to knowing that . You are the only one that has always been there for me , maybe with any luck this will work out for Trent and me . It 's only just begun for us but college is coming and that 's going to be a lot less time together and only if I get into a college that 's close enough for me to commute every day . I know there are a lot of them in this area . But getting into one of them that would be good for me is another matter entirely . I 'm afraid to even say where I want to go because I don 't know how I would even be able to do it . Well , I do , if I accept what the Sanders are offering , but I don 't feel comfortable enough at this point in time to accept that . " Michael hung his head , folded his arms across his chest and just rocked slowly back and forth . " It 's going to work out , Michael , I 'm not sure how at this point but I just know that something will happen to make it all work out . Come here and give your big sister a hug and a kiss and I gotta fly . " Mandy and Michael exchanged hugs and gave each other a kiss on the cheek and walked their way out of the house . " Be good , kiddo , and I 'll see you later , keep in touch this weekend and I 'll see you in school . " Mandy pulled out of the driveway and waved out the window as she pulled away from her little brother . She was worried about him and knew how tired he looked . Mandy tried to convince herself that he just needed some time , time to think and be away from his father and mother , mostly his father . Michael watched her drive away and wondered how she could drive back to that house and live with the man they called " the major " since he was old enough to remember . He couldn 't even remember having ever called his father " The Major " in front of their mother . Michael stood there , leaning against the stonewall that encircled the driveway . He looked around at the size of it and wondered just what he was doing here and how long was he really going to stay . His whole life ' he had been taught to take care of himself , the major had taught them not to take handouts or accept gifts like the ones the Sanders were handing him . Everything came with a price , his father had told him repeatedly as he grew up . What was he going to do ? He had already accepted them in their eyes . What was it going to cost him to repay them for what they had already done for him ? He just looked out on the manicured landscape seeing its simplistic beauty . He began to think about all the work that went into making it look this way and all the time and effort . " Yes , you 're right , it is corny but worse than that , haven 't you heard of inflation ? Is that all I 'm worth : a penny for my thoughts , I 'm disappointed I 'd thought for sure I might be worth a buck or two . " Trent walked behind Michael and put his arms around him , resting his chin on Michael 's shoulder . He kissed Michael 's ear whispering in his ear . " I just want to remind you that I love you and that it 's all going to work out . Now for two bucks , tell me about those thoughts you were thinking about when I interpreted them . And don 't hold back on me Little Buddy . " " Why are you so difficultly cute ? " Michael leaned his head forward turning to look into Trent 's eyes and all that did was have him looking into an amazing color of a blue green sea . Michael had noticed that Trent 's eyes shifted in color . From a sky blue you could fall into an almost clear green that reminded you of highly polished glass . " Because Little Buddy you make it easy for me to be that way . " Trent held Michael and leaned back against Trent 's chest and they both laughed . " You 're such a bullshitter , Mr . Sanders . " Their jovial banter continued for a little while . Michael avoided thinking about his earlier thoughts . He didn 't know how to really tell Trent what he had been thinking about . It was just the way he was brought up . Just like Trent was brought up in his style of life . They just came from such different worlds . Trent was used to what he currently had , Michael knew that , when he grew older , these things would become important to him too . Trent knew in the back of his mind that he had to struggle for a few years until he got his trust fund , but Michael didn 't have that luxury . What made it worse was that Trent really believed that money didn 't matter to him . Right now it didn 't but by the time he turned of age to receive that , he would be thinking differently and Michael knew this . Why didn 't Trent see this as a problem ? " Okay , you don 't have to tell me everything , Michael , just tell me something about what your crazy brain was talking to you about . Can you do that much for me , I 'm trying to make you understand that I want to help you , but if you don 't let me into that head of yours at least , I won 't be able to help you at all , okay Mikey . " His heart felt every word that Trent said to him . " I know Trent , I know . Just know that sometimes it takes me time to talk about some things . I 'm half afraid that if I say something now that maybe I shouldn 't be worrying about or even thinking about , you won 't want to stick around or maybe we 'll get into a fight . I know I worry too much sometimes . I just can 't help myself during those moments . I don 't know when I 'll ever learn not to , but everything seems to be in my face and I 'm really trying hard to not let it be , so just give me a little time okay , Big Boy ? " " I 'll give you all the time you need , Mr . Evans , I 'm not going anyway , and that 's something that you have to get used to . Think you can do that for me ? At least try to get used to all of this , because I think it 's so in your face that it 's all you see with me . " " No , that 's not fair of you to say . I do know where you 're coming from , believe me , I do . I just think sometimes you don 't think about where you 're coming from and how people look at you differently because of that . " Michael was becoming edgy with the way this conversation was going because it certainly wasn 't the way he wanted it . And it was for this reason that he didn 't want to get into what he was thinking about with Trent just then , he needed time to think . " Look , Trent I don 't want to fight with you over this issue now , so let 's just drop it . I want to spend tonight with you watch a movie and relax . I do want to talk to you tonight about us . But not about money , not tonight , please . " " All right , Little Buddy , we won 't , I promise . " Trent turned Michael around so that he was looking at him eye to eye . He leaned down and kissed him and wrapped Michael in his arms . He slid his tongue into Michaels ' mouth slightly , prying to gain entry . Michael tried to fight him , a little . After a few more seconds Michael pushed Trent back enough for him to end the kiss . " What kind of an excuse is that , Michael ? We 're in my yard , oops , our yard . No one can really see us from the road , no one is around and I 'm not going to take your clothes off out here and fuck you on the driveway . That would hurt . Although bending you over this stone wall right now sounds really hot and tempting and man , could I drill you a new asshole in that tight butt of yours . " Trent grabbed Michael quickly and pulled him back into a hug and used both his large hands to envelop both cheeks of Michael 's ass . " See what I mean , there you go right away talking dirty getting yourself all boned up . I can feel it , you know . Don 't play games with me Stretch ! " " Yeah . . . mmmm . . . you got something I 'd love to stretch right about now . Oh . . . I 'm sorry did I say that out loud on accident ? " Michael pulled back from Trent and flicked his finger right against Trent 's growing member and hard . Trent 's hips recoiled from the unwanted attention to his dick and Michael just laughed . " That just took the big out of Big Boy . " Michael laughed and Trent rubbed at his crotch to make it feel better . " I 'm getting hungry . When do you think we 'll eat ? I need to go to the Pharmacy , will you take me ? " Trent looked at Michael with a devilish grin on his face . " It 's going to cost you . " Michael backed up about a foot from Trent and he poked him in the stomach a few times really hard and Trent started laughing . " I 'm sorry , it 's going to cost me what ? " " Stop , okay , come on , let 's go inside and tell Mom we 're going and then we 'll see if she needs anything and you ask Joshua if he needs anything . I always ask him but they never ask me to pick up anything at the market . " Trent took Michael 's hand and they walked into the house . Trent pushed Michael towards the kitchen and swatted his ass as he passed by Trent . Without thinking it just came out of his mouth . Michael looked at him and rather loudly said , " It 's not your ass yet . " " MICHAEL EVANS and TRENT SANDERS ! Michael wanted to die and turned about as red as a fire engine . Trent totally lost it and fell on the floor , laughing hysterically . Michael 's hands flew up to his face to hide himself from Sarah 's glare . He heard her begin try to suppress her giggle and he began to breathe . " It 's a good thing Clay didn 't hear that or you 'd both probably be in trouble . " " He did hear it . " Saying so as Clay rounded the corner and walked into the kitchen . Now Michael really wanted to die and Trent was holding his sides they hurt so much from laughing so hard . He stopped walking and as the scene before him unfolded , he also joined in the laughter . It lasted all of about five minutes . " I can say that I 'm sure it was unintentional , Michael . " Clay wrapped his arm around Michael 's shoulder and he felt better immediately . " I heard you had a rough night and morning today , Michael . First of all , can I call you Mike ? I prefer the shorter version of your name . " Michael shook his head in agreement . " I 'm concerned that you 're getting too stressed out , so I promise to ease up on you , you tell me when you 're ready to make the next step . My wife says my eagerness sometimes can be overwhelming and I know she 's right , so you let me know when you 're ready , okay ? " " Yes , sir , I promise I will . " Taking him by surprise Clay wrapped his arms around Michael and gave him a hug . " I don 't want you having any added stress and if I can help do something to fix that problem and reduce that stress than I promise you I will . You 're probably still covered by your father 's insurance , but just in case : here 's your new medical card for medical insurance , this will cover you anywhere you go and if you have a copay of any kind , tell them to send the bill to me . Your prescriptions shouldn 't cost you anything when you get them filled . So , before dinner why don 't you two go and get those two filled that Dr . Davis gave Michael earlier ? " " Do you need anything at the store Mom ? " " No I don 't think so , do you have money on you in case the medicine costs Michael anything ? If not charge it on the card if you have to . " Trent stood at the door waiting for Michael to come out of the kitchen . Two seconds later Michael came from the kitchen with a piece of paper in his hand . Trent took Michael 's hand and the two of them were out the door . " No , its my prescriptions and I do need a few things for myself is that okay with you ? " Trent was surprised by Michael 's attitude a few seconds ago . He was happy and laughing . Trent thought it might be quite a ride to the store . " First of all , would you please put on your seatbelt and second what 's the matter . I can feel and it feels like you are wound up like a violin bow , so what 's the matter . I 'm not moving until you put the belt on and then start talking to me and tell me what the problem is . " Trent was trying to be patient with Michael . He knew he was still on edge but the switch was just too quick , something made the switch flip over . Michael sat there after putting the seat built on . " I told you , I don 't want to talk about it right now , Trent and that 's the end of the conversation . Now let 's go or take me home , those are your choices . Discussing anything is not an option so don 't even go down that road in any way , shape or form , does that make it perfectly clear ? " Michael wasn 't even looking at Trent . He was just looking forward not seeing anything . Trent put the truck in gear and pulled up to the stop sign . The ride to the pharmacy and parked . Michael got out of the truck and walked into the store . Trent stayed where he was . About a half hour later Michael came out and got back into the truck with his prescription and a few bags . Trent didn 't move and just sat there looking at the wall in front of him . Now he was going to be the one that didn 't say anything and waited to see what happened . It took Michael about five minutes . " Are we going to go back to the house or do you want me to walk ? " " Yes we are going back to the house , no you aren 't going to walk and we aren 't moving until you tell me what the fuck I did to get the treatment I just got on the way here . And we ARE discussing , NOW does that make it perfectly FUCKING clear ? With his eyes opened wide and his mouth agape Michael just looked at Trent in disbelief . The two remained silent as each searched the other for a common ground to start talking . Michael hung his head . " I owe you an apology , Trent . I 'm sorry . I promise to discuss this whole conversation after dinner while we watch television or watch a movie okay ? " Michael put the bags in the back seat and crawled over to Trent . " Will you drive me home please ? And can I kiss you to say I 'm sorry , so I know you won 't be mad at me ? I don 't like making you mad and I didn 't do it on purpose , I really didn 't . " Trent leaned in to Michael and they gave each other a kiss . Michael started to move but Trent put him arm on Michael 's leg to hold him in place . " Okay , now take me home , Big Boy , and please . " " Your wish is my command , oh Little Buddy . " Trent kept his hand on Michael 's leg the whole way home . Michael kept his body as close as he possibly could all the way . " I 'll get the bags when we get out , Mikey , you just wait for me to open your door , okay ? Hey . . . I love you . " Michael smiled demurely . Trent scooped up the bags with one hand and walked around to let Michael out of the truck . They walked into the house and Trent put the bags down and pulled out Michael 's prescriptions . Reading each one he opened the Cymbalta and handed one to Michael . " Go and take this . I read up after the doc said he was giving you them . They 're going to take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to start working . Do not stop or forget to take these Michael , all right ? " Michael took the pill and headed out to the kitchen to get something to drink . " Come on , Michael , sit down , dinner will only be about ten minutes from now according to Andy and he 's usually pretty prompt . " Sarah looked at Michael , just to see how he looked after a day of rest and a visit with his sister . She had thought he looked a little better than he did this morning , his eyes didn 't look so sunken in and dark . " How did you like your day off ? Sarah tells me that you got to skip school today and just kick back , sleep late . Must have felt good . " Trent chimed in as he walked back into the dining room . " I disagree , Michael , you 're always going to have some place to be , some place to go , a schedule that you have to keep . But there are times when you just have to say : the hell with it all , kick up your heels and relax . I do admire your commitment to that philosophy and understand how that feels . It will be a major part of your life as you move forward , Michael , especially in business . I have a question and it 's just a simple question . I 'm not trying to read into or have any other purpose than mere conversation , just telling you that , so you won 't get the wrong idea . I know what you want to study in college . Have you given any thought as to where you 'd like to go , Michael ? " Michael heard what he said but couldn 't help feeling that he was asking this for reasons other than he claimed . He hated the way he thought automatically sometimes . " I don 't know yet . I have a wish list and a might - be - better list . I have three or four on each list . " All the while Michael thought he knew the next question out of Clay 's mouth was going to be what 's number one on your wish list . " But right now I 'm just thinking whether I should stay in this area or move to another city to give my parents some more time to be away from me and let them work it out about how they are going to deal with Trent and me . Mostly me though . " " Well don 't worry about it for now , just let time go by but I am glad to hear that you have a list made of potential schools . If you have any questions that I might be able to help you with , just ask me and if I don 't have the answer we 'll work on getting one . " Michael thought for sure that Clay would ask him for the names of schools he had on his list . In a way he was glad that he didn 't ask . " We have decided to stay home and watch a movie or two , maybe order a pizza later on , unless Andy 's still here . Then I 'll have him make us something but he might be gone by that time . Depends on when this bottomless pit needs refilling . " Trent laughed at himself and patted his stomach at the same time , looking down at it and extending it at the same time . Andy began to bring out dinner for every one ; he got assistance from one of the others who work in the house . Michael couldn 't help but be impressed and awestruck at the idea that as long as he lived in this house this was the norm . Dinner was good and done with before he knew it . Michael couldn 't remember sitting down to a dinner and being this relaxed and comfortable . Every one participated in the conversation , including Randy , Yvonne and Danny . Michael was most impressed with Yvonne , who was smart and had a quick wit about her . She certainly could dish it out to her older brothers , just as fast as they could deliver it . Several times she had caught Trent and Randy off guard and with pinpoint accuracy verbally assaulted the both of them . Much to the delight of her mother and father he noticed . Michael wondered what it would be like to sit down with every one of the family here . He had never had dinner at a house like this and he was sure this was normal . Perhaps because of the number in the house that this occurred , he didn 't know , he just knew that he liked it and looked forward to more of them . Trent and Michael excused themselves and went upstairs to see what movies Trent had in his room and then they were going to head to the movie room as Trent called it . When they got to it , Michael was sure they could sell tickets . It seemed like a theater but more comfortable . They had couches and reclining chairs in a big semi - circle and then a few recliners in front of them . He wasn 't sure how many could sit there but he knew they could all sit there tonight and no one would be uncomfortable . Trent grabbed a blanket out of one of the closets and threw it on the back of the couch . " Don 't even think it , that 's not what I got it out for . I got it out because sometimes this room can get cool when you 're just sitting in here , especially at night . I have turned up the heat just a little . I got it in case you got cold so you 'll have something to wrap up in , smart ass . " Michael felt a little guilty because by the tone of Trent 's ' voice he thought he was wrong about his assumption . The major 's tape recorder clicked on in Michaels ' head . It said : don 't assume anything , it only makes an ass out of you and me . And the machine got quiet again . Michael now felt like an ass . " Don 't apologize to me for that , Michael , usually you 'd be right , you know the kind of horn dog I am . But this time I wasn 't . But don 't ever apologize to me , Michael . There was a movie made years ago , I couldn 't tell you their names , it 's like ancient , but there was a line in the movie and it was : love means never having to say you 're sorry . I know the movie took place in Boston but I don 't remember the rest . I can only remember the line because my mother and I talked about it and it left an impression in my head . I know it sounded corny but when you think about , isn 't it true ? If you 're in love with someone and you respect him or her as they do you , then you shouldn 't be doing anything that you 're going to end up apologizing for . " Michael was touched by his sentiments and talking about the movie like that . Especially after the little fight they just had going to the pharmacy . " Trent , what do you want to do when we leave high school ? I know you want to be a carpenter . Are you going to go to some kind of college that teaches you that kind of thing ? " " I 'm not sure yet , Michael , I know I probably should , but part of me just wants to get into the field and start working . What if after I get started working it I decide it isn 't what I want after all ? Then what am I going to do ? At least working in the field I won 't have wasted the money on college . ' " Trent , you never waste money on college , unless you get half way through and quit . Then it was a waste of money . But that 's another good thing about going to college it gives you a taste of what you want to do and if you change your mind , you can change your major and you won 't have lost your credits or wasted money . " Trent just looked at Michael , unsure of why he wanted to talk about this . " Trent I didn 't mean anything by it , I 'm just trying to explain to you that a degree in the construction industry will get you further as you get older . You 'll get into positions of not just building , but learning to run a business in that field , being the big cheese and having people do what you want . Like what about opening your own construction company one day . I think it 's something you 'd be good at and by going to school you 'll have the knowledge you would need . Plus you would learn how to read blue prints and how to build houses like I know you want to , please don 't be mad , I just want you to be more than just a carpenter . I 'd be really proud to go to school with you , Trent , and see you get a degree in some part of the construction industry . More than that I 'd like to see you open your own company someday and have your company build our house if we 're still together . " Michael was fidgeting and was nervous wondering if Trent realized what Michael had just implied . " What do you mean by if we 're still together ? Do you know something I don 't ? Are you trying to tell me something about us , why wouldn 't we be together ? Are you going someplace and you aren 't telling me yet ? Are you going away from here to go to school ? You aren 't leaving me , are you ? " Trent felt sick to his stomach ; all these thoughts were running through his head at a million miles an hour . He scooted to the front of the couch and turned to face Michael . " I 'm just wondering what your plans are with your life Trent , like where do you see yourself in ten years ' time ? And where do you see us ? " Michael held Trent 's hands as he watched the man he was falling deeper in love with kneel before him . He could see that he was concentrating on his thoughts and what he had to say exactly . Time seemed to slow down coming to a standstill . " First of all I see you and me together in ten years , Michael , there is not even a question in my mind about that one . Second , I see myself working in the construction field . I think I would like to have my own company to build unique houses . I haven 't shown these yet but I have some drawings and layouts of houses done that I have never shown anyone . I want you to look at them and tell me what you think . " " You won 't laugh at me will you , some are kind of sketchy but those were made when I was young and as I got older you can see the improvements in my drawings . Just wait here . I have to run up to my room to get them . Be back in a few seconds , just hold that spot right there . " He pointed a spot next to him on the couch . Trent sprinted up and dashed out of the room . It didn 't take him long to return and with him he had a long cylinder tube that he emptied the couch and sat next to Michael . He rolled out the papers and flattened them so Michael could see them without them rolling up . " This is one of the first drawings that I did of a house I liked . It has changed over the years and this is the one I want to live in some day with the man I love . " Michael knew from his tone that these drawings meant a lot to Trent . He handled the drawings like they were precious pieces of art . Michael was impressed as Trent slowly flipped each page pausing between each one so that Michael could inspect each one . " Why haven 't you told him , Trent ? He needs to see what you 've done here . For someone with no training these are pretty good and the layout of each one is awesome . With a little work and polish which school can provide you 'd be awesome , Trent . You could make a name for yourself , I know you could . You have to show these to your Dad and tell him what you want . I know your father will help you , Trent . If he 's willing to help me , then there 's no way he won 't help you . " " You don 't understand him like I do , Michael , you haven 't known him long enough like I have . Don 't get me wrong . I love my father , I really do , but there 's an unspoken expectation of what I should be doing with my life when it comes to my father . " Michael understood what Trent was talking about all too well . " You 're talking to the guy that has a father who is the master of expectations . Trent , I 'm just asking you to trust me and show him these and talk to him about going to school to do this , if this is truly what you want , then you have to tell him and show him these . You have to promise me that you 'll do that for me , please . " Michael could see the hesitation in Trent 's eyes . " I 'll go with you if you want me to , I 'll stand by you , Trent . Just like you have held my hand , I 'll hold yours but sometime in the next week I want you to show him those , promise me ? " Michael held his gaze as he locked eyes with Trent . " All right , Little Buddy , I 'll promise to try but I 'm not saying that I won 't need your help . I 'm probably going to need it . I know my father is kind of hoping that I will take over the family business all of my brothers don 't want to and even though I know I don 't have to and he 's never said I have to , it 's just an unspoken expectation , like I said before . " " All right , then you just tell me when you want to do it . But you have until Thursday night since tonight is Friday , okay ? " Trent felt kind of relieved knowing that Michael was willing to stand by him and even when he showed his father , he felt like he had a mission to complete . He just hoped that he wouldn 't disappoint Michael in the process . They talked during the movies they watched and had a great time just being together and enjoying each other 's company for the night . They fell asleep towards the ending of their second movie . Trent was the one that got them off the couch and headed up the steps towards their bedrooms . " I 'll see you in the morning , Little Buddy , tomorrow we are going horseback riding , screw work , we are both calling in tomorrow and enjoying this time which we won 't have that often so we might as well enjoy it while we can , even if it is only for two days . I promise we 'll do something special for spring vacation , we 'll go someplace nice and spend a few days having fun . " Trent hugged Michael hard and kissed him good night . As usual Michael melted into Trent as soon as he started kissing him and he felt his mouth being invaded . Michael pushed and then spun Trent around and pushed him towards his bedroom . " Get your ass in bed and forget that tonight , buster , don 't even think that thought process through , it isn 't going to happen . " Trent mocked Michael with a groan of displeasure smiling the whole time . They both hit the bed within minutes of each other and both were out just as quickly . Michael was hoping that his conversation with Trent had help build his confidence some , so that Trent would tell his father without Michael 's help , but he wasn 't so sure that Trent could do it . How was he going to handle Trent if he didn 't go to his father by Thursday dinnertime ? Michael knew this was something that Trent could do and really would be good at it especially after the drawings he had seen . The boys slept in Saturday morning until almost eleven . Sarah was glad that Michael had rested without the use of his new pills the doctor had prescribed . As much as she liked Drew Davis , she didn 't want to see kids on prescriptions of any kind . She felt bad for Michael . It was too sad that his father felt the way he did . She was beginning to think about the possibility of talking to Michael 's father directly and if it would do any good . She remembered talking to two other parents after Trent declared that he was gay . She knew it helped then but this was different , Michael 's father was a Major in the military and she knew that his career was most important to him . She knew what kind of man he was from the way Michael had talked to her . She wasn 't so sure it would work . After showering and getting ready to go , the boys came down for breakfast and just to hang out for a little while until they went horseback riding . Michael was still nervous about going riding . He was intimidated by the size of horses . Trent was beginning to realize just how much Michael was leery of riding an animal that size . As they sat there having coffee and watching the television , Michael was unable to sit still . " You 're jumping around like a fish out of water . " Trent took Michael 's hand and looked at him trying to read his face . Something was eating him and he wanted to know what it was . He wanted to help Michael , no matter what . He hated seeing him in distress of any kind . " Come on , Mikey , just tell me what it is , it can 't be any worse than telling Coach that we were gay . Nothing can be as serious as that , unless there 's something you aren 't telling me . Is there ? " " Is there something you aren 't telling me ? And in about five seconds I 'm going to be the one that smack 's somebody up side the head , if that SOMEBODY doesn 't tell ME what is going on . " Trent shook Michael 's hands to make his point . " Well , then just tell me . Everyone is gone now ; even Joshua and Andy aren 't here at the moment . So there is no reason for you to not tell me . " " NOW is not the time to use that name , Trent , you 're not helping me that way . " Michael was getting pissed now with the name . He was going to have Trent retire that name , permanently . Trent could see that Michael was deep in thought , perhaps he had gone too far in pushing Michael this time . " IT ' S NOT FUNNY , TRENT NICHOLAS ! " Michael purposely used the name that he knew Trent didn 't like but he wanted Trent to know that this wasn 't funny to him , he was afraid of horses . They were huge animals and in Michael 's perspective being short Michael saw them differently than Trent did . And this was something that Trent wasn 't taking into consideration . Trent was tall enough to almost look directly into the horse 's eyes at the same level . Michael had to look and reach up to pat the horse 's head if he wanted to . Trent looked at Michael and could see the frustration in his eyes . " You know what : let 's go for a little walk for a few minutes . " Trent got up and took Michael by the hand and pulled him from the chair . " Come on , let 's go and take a closer look at the horses . We are going to work on your being afraid of horses because I don 't want you being that way . I love horses , Michael , and I want you to enjoy them as much as I do . I don 't want you being afraid of them , because then you won 't enjoy them and it 's something I want us to do together . And some day I want us to have our own horses when we have a place big enough . " Trent just kept walking , pulling Michael along and not allowing him an option of stopping . As they neared the stable Trent began to feel resistance from Michael . He stopped where they were . " Will you wait right here for me and not move , just watch me ? " Michael just looked at Trent , unsure if he wanted to go through with this or not . " Okay , tell you what : just go over to the table on the patio and sit on the table and watch me ? " Trent wanted to give Michael some extra space . He turned Michael around and pushed him towards the patio . " Go on , just sit on the table . I 'll be back in a few minutes . " Michael walked towards the table and Trent headed toward the barn . A few moments later Michael watched Trent bring out a bench from the barn and placed it by the fence and returned to the barn . Trent turned and held up his finger to indicate that he would be back in a minute . About five minutes later Trent walked out with one of the horses and led him to the fence by the bench . He came out of the pen and walked over to Michael . " I want you to come with me . The horse can 't move he 's tied up . I want you to come with me and stand on the bench so that you 'll be taller than the horse , will you trust me on this one and just come with me . I 'll hold your hand the whole time ? " Michael nodded his consent . Trent took his hand and walked towards the pen and helped him step up on the bench . Michael was looking down at the horse . " Hey , you 're shorter than me , Squirt . " He couldn 't help but laugh as he reached down and put his hand on Trent 's shoulder . Trent smiled . " I want you to think about the horse in the same way that you 're looking at me now . Notice how he doesn 't look so big anymore ? " Michael looked and noticed that he was looking down at the horse and he didn 't look as threatening . " Now I want you to get down at this end by the horse and just stand by the fence . I 'm just going to move the bench away from right here . I 'm not going anywhere . And just reach out and pat the horse gently by his ears . He won 't bite you . Danny is very gentle , that 's why I brought him out here for you . Michael stood there just patting Danny in the same place but nowhere else . . The horse seemed to sense Michael 's apprehension and stood still looking at Michael while he gently stroked him between his eyes . " Now I want you to walk over to Danny with me and just do the same thing you just did , just pat his nose and down the side of his neck . You don 't have to do anything else at that point , just pat him and talk to him , he likes being talked to . " Michael followed behind Trent a few steps but continued walking towards Danny . Once they stood next to him Trent took Michael 's hand and placed it on Danny 's neck . Trent stood behind Michael and kept his hand on Michael 's as he stroked Danny 's neck . After a few moments he let go and let Michael do it himself and slowly he backed up a few steps from . Michael held the bit and Trent began to back up a little and slowly began to walk around Danny until he was on the other side . Michael looked over and realized that Trent had gone around . " I want you to sit in the saddle now Michael . I 'll leave Danny tied to the post . You won 't go anywhere , he 's just going to stand here like we 're doing now . Michael 's eyes got bigger , but he didn 't tell Trent he wouldn 't . Trent came back around to help Michael if he needed help getting up . " Put your foot in the stirrup and with one hand hold on to the horn on the saddle . " Trent pointed to the horn . " Use the horn to hold on to and pull yourself up and help throw your leg up and over and sit your fine ass in the saddle . " Michael laughed as he looked at Trent . " No , but that 's beside the point . Now put your damn foot in the stirrup and do what I told you to do . I 'm right here and if I see you need it , I will help you . Now get up there and in the saddle , Mister . " Trent stopped laughing as he kept pointing at Michael to get on the horse . " He won 't . Danny is very patient and calm . It 's another reason I brought him out here for you . I wouldn 't bring Flashback out here for you , he 's a handful even for me and I know what I 'm doing , I just have to get on him and let him know whose boss . Now you can do this , Mikey , I know you can and if I didn 't think you could , I wouldn 't make you get up there . Now come on , I 'm right here . Do you trust me ? " " Yes . " " Then come on . I 'll be right here to help you if I see you need it . " Trent just looked at Michael and kept his gaze locked into Michael 's eyes . Michael grabbed hold of the horn and put his foot into the stirrup . After a few seconds he squatted down a little and used his weight to help lift him up and got his foot over the saddle and sat down . " All right , Mikey , that was great . You did that like a pro . You looked like you 've done this before , that was great , Michael . " Michael beamed and sat a little taller in the saddle . He felt like a million bucks , sitting on this huge animal beneath him . Holding the horn he reached down with his other hand and patted Danny , telling him he was a good boy for letting him get up without a problem . " Now , we are going to walk around the pen and I 'm going to hold the reins and you just hold the horn for now while we walk . When you feel comfortable just relax your hands and put them by your side . A horse knows when your uptight and then can tell when you 're tense . So when it comes to riding you need to learn to be relaxed . When you ride , it will be a good experience for both you and the horse , I promise . " Danny pulled the rein from the fence and began walking around the pen . " Now I 'm going to let go and give you the reins . When you want to steer the horse or lead him , just pull the reins to the right or left , depending on which way you want to go . Obviously in the pen you 're only going one direction . When you want the horse to go , you use your heels to kick him in the sides and just let your feet follow the way the stirrup will pull your feet back and up a little . That 's the spot you want to kick them . The harder you kick them the faster you 'll get them to go . Also by kicking and yelling at the same time you can get them to take off faster . For now just test yourself in the pen . Danny won 't run in the pen because he knows he 's in a limited space , but you can get him to walk just by doing what I told you . Try gently kicking him and then increase that kicking motion until he moves . " Danny gave the reins to Michael and stepped away from rider and horse . Michael looked at Trent and took a deep breath and gently kicked Danny . Nothing happened . " You aren 't going to hurt him , Michael , trust me , you 're too worried right now to hurt him . Just do it a little harder this time . " Michael tried again and Danny just picked his head up quickly and moved around . Trent nodded to Michael for him to do it again . The third time worked for Michael and Danny began to move . Michael grabbed for the horn with a look of surprise on his face . Trent laughed at him as he watched him begin walking . " That 's it , Mikey , you did it ! See how easy that was ? Now keep going around I want you to keep walking him around a few times . " " No , you can 't do it just one time . I want you to do it at least six times around the pen . If you want him to go faster , just kick him and he 'll trot in the pen but that 's as fast as he 'll go . If he starts to trot for you when you kick him I want you to stand up a little using the stirrups to lift you up off the saddle a little , but only if you want to let him trot with you . " Trent watched Michael trying to determine if he wanted to let Danny trot or not . He decided to wait . Walking was good for now . After four laps Michael turned the corner and tried kicking Danny a little harder but nothing happened , he tried again with the same result . Michael knew he had to kick harder but feared hurting the horse . He didn 't care what Trent said . He did his six laps just walking Danny and himself but he realized that he was comfortable and no longer was as afraid as he was before they began . " How do I get him to stop ? " Trent walked into the pen . As they got closer , he told Michael to gather the slack in the reins and then after that to pull up hard on the reins and just tell Danny to stop and he would . Michael pulled up on the reins gathering the slack and pulled the reins taunt . " You did great , Michael , you looked like you were enjoying yourself . I see you tried to get him to trot . He didn 't want to do that for you ? " " Don 't worry . This being your first time I think you were great . Now I want you to dismount . Use the horn for leverage again . And just do everything in reverse of what you did to get on . Michael stood up and thought for a second and did like Trent had said and dismounted from Danny . " Yes ! " Michael felt great . He had done what he thought he would never do . Trent took Danny by the reins and pointed him towards the barn and patted his hindquarter and told him to go home . Danny began walking towards the barn and Michael watched in amazement as he watched . " No , he 'll do it for anyone . If you ever go riding by yourself and get lost in the woods , just tell Danny to go home with a gentle firm voice . Let go of the reins and hold the horn and he 'll bring you back to the barn . Works every time . So anytime you want to go riding , just tell someone in the barn to saddle him up and go and when you get back just bring him to the barn and the guys will take care of him for you . " " Thanks for being patient with me , Trent . I would have never gone probably . Thanks , Big Boy , I mean it . " Michael put his arms around Trent and just let his head rest on his chest . Trent just held him close to him and gently rocked side to side . Michael closed his eyes and totally relaxed and Trent could feel his body let go of the stress he had earlier . " That sounds fine , Mikey , I like Buddy just as much . Now how about we go inside and get ready to go riding , I think you 're ready to go now . What about you , if we just walk ? Do you think you want to go ? I promise : no running , and we 'll have a good time . I have a surprise lined up for you . " " Oh ouch he used the dreaded two name call me on the carpet name . I 'm so shaking in my boots , Buddy . " He poked Michael in his sides and he began laughing and hitting Trent to get him to stop . But Trent wouldn 't let up . By now they were rolling around on the ground wrestling more than tickling each other . Michael didn 't have a chance against Trent 's height and weight advantage . Within a few minutes Trent was straddling Michael 's hips and had his arms pinned down . " Now tell me exactly what do you think you 're going to do to me , Mister ? Think you can beat me ? What did you just call me ? Oh yea , Big Boy , that 's right . Well , Mikey , I 'm going to be nice and let you up because we know that I won already . And you are going to promise to be good , right ? " Michael nodded his head yes with a gleam in his eye . He had other ideas . Trent began getting up off his hips , still holding his arms . As he got up further he released Michael 's right hand slowly . " Remember : you promised and you wouldn 't break your promise to me now , would you ? Because it will just be worse if you do , Michael , and that 's my promise to you . " Michael nodded his head again , agreeing with Trent still , with a gleam still in his eyes . " Okay , I 'm getting all the way up now and don 't forget : you promised . That 's like giving your word and I know you wouldn 't break your word , Michael . " The closer he got to letting go of Michael , the more hesitant he became . For a moment he held perfectly motionless , gauging Michael 's movements while staring into his eyes , still unsure . " Are you getting up or not , Trent , I don 't feel like being on the ground forever . " Trent still saw the gleam in his eyes and his gut told him that there would be retribution for him poking Michael sides . Of that he was certain . " Geez , Trent , how many times are you going to ask . Just get that sexy but off my crotch before I pop a boner ! " Trent couldn 't help but start laughing and let go of Michael because of his outrageous statement . It wasn 't like Michael to say something like that so loudly or boisterous . As Trent let go of Michael , he pulled himself up off the ground and quickly pulled away from Trent . " You , Big Boy , are knee deep in shit . You don 't know when , you won 't know how , but payback is a bitch ! " Michael was the one laughing now and bolted towards the back door of the house . Trent got up the rest of the way and as soon as he took a step he fell , giving Michael an advantage in getting away . Michael was in the kitchen and swirled around to lock the door . Making sure that Trent was slowed down as he made his escape . He could hear him at the back door , yelling to be let in and remembered that Joshua and Andy wouldn 't be in until later . As far as he knew no one else was at home and he chuckled to himself as he ran up the stairs to his bedroom . He locked his door and sat on his bed laughing at himself feeling the adrenaline rush for escaping any further attempts of Trent 's assaults . He heard Trent at the top of the landing and he called out for him . " Come on , Mikey , talk to me . I 'm not going to do anything , I promise . I know you 'll kill me if I do . Come on , Mikey , let me in . I promise and no , I 'm not kidding , I really mean it . " " Trent , you are so full of shit right now , I can 't even believe you 're attempting to con me into opening this door for you . I wasn 't born yesterday , you know . You 're just trying to get me to open the door and the more I think about it , the more I know I can 't trust you Trent Nicholas Sanders . " Michael chuckled quietly not wanting Trent to hear him . He had to contain himself so that Trent wouldn 't catch him laughing . He knew if Trent heard him , he 'd use against him . " Go take a shower , Trent , and a COLD ONE would probably be the best idea for you right now . You 're such a horn dog , Trent , don 't tell me you 're all innocent now . There 's no one home so we 're all alone and you thought I didn 't notice . Does that sum it up for you or do I need to draw a map for you ? " He bit his finger to keep from being heard . Trent stood there dumbfounded at Michael 's accusations . He hadn 't thought of that , but he thought he 'd make good use of the information that Michael just outlined . How perfect , no one was home and he knew that his parents wouldn 't be home until suppertime . Which meant Randy , Danny and Yvonne wouldn 't be here . And since Peter his older brother wasn 't home from school by now he wouldn 't be coming home at all . Sweet . " Mikey , that 's crazy . I wasn 't even thinking about that , you 're the horn dog . I planned for us to take the horses and go riding this afternoon . I even had Joshua make us a basket for a surprise lunch on our ride . If you don 't believe me , we can go downstairs in the kitchen and I 'll show you the basket . " This would get Michael out of the bedroom , but now he would have to be good , at least until he showed him the basket . Perhaps it would give him a chance to think of a plan to get into his pants another way . " I 'm not coming out there , Trent . If there 's a basket , go and get it , and show me . You can put it in front of my door . Now go and get it . " " I 'll be right back , Mikey , just hold that thought . " Trent darted towards the stairs , yelling at Michael to come out in the hallway and wait for him to come back with the basket . Michael cautiously looked down the hallway , praying that Trent had really gone downstairs . He tried to listen for any noise that might indicate that Trent didn 't really go downstairs like he claimed . A few seconds went by and he could hear Trent in the living room . " I 'm coming , Mikey , I 'll be there in ten seconds . I have the basket with me to show you . " Michael could hear him on the stairs and he moved back some so that he had time to make a dash for his bedroom if Trent was lying to him . At that moment Trent reached the landing and Michael could see him holding the basket . He was still dubious about Trent 's intentions and being home alone . " Look , here 's the basket . I 'm going to put it on the floor and go back down the stairs a little so that you can still see me . Take the basket and see what 's inside . Just wait a minute until I move back . " Michael watched Trent as he went back towards the steps and the landing before stopping . " That 's good . Just stand right there and don 't move . If I get a hint of movement I 'll be in the bedroom with the basket and enjoying it myself while you 're locked out , got it ? " " Okay , Mikey , I promise not to move and I 'll even sit down so that if I do move you 'll have plenty of time to make it to your bedroom . Now just check the basket and you 'll know I wasn 't kidding and then you are going to owe me an apology . " Michael approached the basket slower than a turtle moved . Trent was trying hard not to move a muscle . Michael opened the basket and could definitely see that it was full of packages and plates and silverware . He was having second thoughts about his initial thoughts and at the same time he was a little disappointed that Trent was obviously telling the truth about there actually being a surprise . Michael felt like a heel for having thought Trent was being devious this time . Now he had to apologize . Damn , he didn 't want to have to do that . " Well , I made a mistake and I see that you did plan a surprise , so I guess we 'll just have to go horseback riding now . And take advantage of your surprise that you had . . . Hey , who made this ? It couldn 't have been you ? " Trent began standing up . " I had Andy make it up this morning . I asked when we first came downstairs this morning before he left . He left it in the side by side for us to get when we would go horseback riding . " " I had a good feeling that , if I helped you the right way , you would . Michael , I wasn 't always tall like I am now , and when I first took riding lessons , I was afraid of the horses for the same reason you were and that 's because of how big they look when they are towering over you . The trainer had me do the same thing I did to you today . He put me on the bench , had me pat him , and then we did the hand on his neck thing and I left you alone , which you didn 't even notice when I first did it . The horse had your attention and I used the time to come around and surprise you , just like the trainer surprised me . By the time you were done , you weren 't afraid anymore . Well , let 's just say that your earlier fears had been dealt with . I realized sitting in the kitchen this morning when you were talking about your fears , that you were afraid of their size , but not of the horse itself , so I knew , if I could do the same thing that the trainer had done for me , you would be okay . At least , that 's what I was hoping would happen and fortunately it did . " " I 'm grateful that you did that , Trent . I 'm proud of you for thinking about me like that . If my father had been here , he would have been yelling at me to get my ass up in the saddle or I wouldn 't need a place to sit anyway . Never mind sitting in a saddle . Believe me , Trent , he would have made sure that if I didn 't get on the horse , I would get a beating for not obeying him when we got home because I had embarrassed him in front of the trainer . That 's how he would have dealt with that . And believe me , I would have gotten on the horse in the end because I might have been afraid of the horse , but I was more afraid of him . " Trent 's heart melted and any thoughts he had about getting Michael in the sack went right out the window . He got up and began walking slowly up the stairs . Michael began backing away , ready to fly if Trent moved an inch too quickly . " I 'm not going to get you , Michael , come on , bring the basket and we 'll go put it back in the fridge . I do want to go riding soon . Are you comfortable the way you are or do you want to change ? Oh , and my advice to be really comfortable in the saddle for long walks : when you put your jock strap on , put your cup in too . Usually , when I go riding I put mine on . Because that way , if I want to run , I feel more at ease about the boys getting knocked around . " He took Michael 's hand and grabbed the basket in the other and they walked down to the kitchen . I 've been writing for a few years now and have come to enjoy the feedback I get from you guys . A lot has to do with why I keep writing . I use to be a personal chef but no longer work , I 'm retired . Did so at the age of 49 . having fun just enjoying life . GayDemon uses cookies to ensure you get the best user experience . By using our service , you agree to our use of cookies . Please read our cookie policy for more information .

I 'm really afraid to put this out there , but I really do need help . I guess I should start by telling you all about myself . I 'm a witch and its been in my family for a while . I started to be interested in my family 's religion and soon got into it . This year I did my dedication ritual and changed my name ( which for my safety I will not put down ) and everything seemed alright . . . I guess . Before I go on , I want to tell you all that I have had vivid dreams of shadow people . . . and its like . . . they are reaching out to me . . . calling me . " you are us and we are you " they repeat . . . weird I know . I won 't go into full detail about this , but something had happened with my friend Cam and me and my friend Sam ( who is a psychic and a therian ) were trying to figure out what to do . She then came to me and said that an outside force had part in what was going on . I myself had felt like that as well . I began having weird dreams of a man visiting me and when I told Sam this she admitted that she had a spirit of a man following her as well . When he was around , I felt scared . But not because I was afraid of him , but of what he made me feel , like an urge of needing to go somewhere and all he had said to me was " in due time " . ( I 'm really sorry if some of you don 't believe me . . I just need at least ONE person too at least try and help ) Anyways . . . the visits got a lot more frequent . . . and then something happened . You know how you have thoughts right ? Well have you ever felt like they weren 't your own thoughts ? But someone else 's ? Well that 's what happened . I ended up writing it all down and showed it to Sam . She freaked because there were things in there that I had no clue of knowing about her . Then it happened to her . What scared me was what they had told her . . . we are you . . . and you are us . . . She ( they were talking about me ) is us . . . and us is she . . . I wanted to get to the bottom of this so I went to her house and tried to see what was going on . . . who and what was messing with us . ( she also has other spirits at her house ) . Anyway , I don 't want to go into full detail . . . but the info I got from it was that he was a demon . . . and had been fallowing us for years . . . I thought Sam was playing around so I asked it to spell out my witch name that I had claimed as mine . I hardly even touched the stone ( my hands were ice cold and shaking ) and it spelled out my full name and I began to cry . Sam at that moment had blacked out and was whispering the first part of my name ( I had never told her this ) Same with Sam . . . and it was so freaky . . . The night that I had done my dedication ritual I had felt a dark presence just beyond my circle I had casted . . . again that same feeling of fear of what it made me feel had washed over me . I had asked it if he was the one there that night and he had told me yes . . . all of my dreams . . . all of those times I had seen them . . . he was there . This scared me half to death and now I just don 't know what to do . He talks to me and its so weird . . . its like he 's been knowing me for a long time . . . knowing things about me that I wouldn 't dare tell anyone else . Even Sam is scared and now my friend Cam said that she feels different and she doesn 't know who she is anymore . I know what your thinking . . . I know . . . but I just just need some help . Someone 's thoughts about this . Anyone . . . even if its just one would help me out like crazy . I quickly became adjusted to life in colder winters and cloudy days , unlike my days in Florida , where I was born . Our new house was bigger than our last one and it had more land . I thought I had become the luckiest girl in the world . Then I met a girl . I saw her two months after we had moved into the new house . I was playing with my dolls under the covers of my bed when I heard a voice say , " Can I play , too ? " I took my head out from under the covers to see who it was and I saw a girl . She looked perfectly normal , if you don 't count her old style that might have come from the 1800 's . She wore her brown hair in a ponytail and she had tan skin with giant , innocent looking brown eyes . She had what had seemed like a maid 's dress , with a black , poofy dress with a white apron over it . Her shoes were black with buttons on them . I asked who she was and she said her name was Mary - Anne . She told me this was her room and one day she woke up with giant , scary looking flames around her room . She somehow fell asleep again , and the next morning her parents were not there , nor was her sisters . She said she was waiting for them to come back . I felt sorry for her , so I handed her a doll and we played . Then I talked to her about my life . She said she was six years old . I thought that my mom would love to hear about this girl . After all , if she loved me , why couldn 't she love my friend ? I started to talk about Mary - Anne all the time . She seemed nice and she had a sweet voice that sounded like a quiet , cute whisper . I had come to think of her as my sister . This was great , I had thought . I now had a sister , since I was an only child at the time . I started to tell my mother how much fun Mary - Anne was and how nice she was . My mother might have thought I was having a imaginary friend because she only laughed . But then things got serious . I showed her to the door but when I stepped outside Mary - Anne would stop and give me the evil eye , then turn and stomp away . I had no clue why , but now I think I know . Mary - Anne was not allowed to go past the door , and I think she was angry at me for leaving her like this . Mary - Anne may have seemed nice , but she was violent when she was angry . When I came back and went to my room Mary - Anne grabbed me neck and pushed me against the wall and screamed , " You left me ! You left me ! You left me like my Momma and Poppa did ! " When that happened , I just slunk away from my room . But on this particular day , I had told Mary - Anne I would have to go to school . Mary - Anne knew what this was and she knew I would be gone for part of the day . She yelled at me and scolded me and told me she would hurt me if I left her once again . I had been gone for at least six hours when I came home , and Mary - Anne was furious . " You left me longer than you ever had before ! I can 't be your friend if you keep doing this ! " And with that , she grabbed my hair so hard a chunk of my brown hair fell off . I screamed and then I thwacked her head . Mary - Anne screamed and then glared at me with evil eyes . " How dare you ! " She said . She grabbed my hand so hard it hurt . Her long fingernails dug into my wrist and I cried in pain . She pulled me to the bathroom and ran the water in the tub . When it was full she dunked my head inside and would not let me out . I gargled the water and gasped for air . My mother then came and saw me with my head in the water , desperate for air . She had not seen Mary - Anne , and she thought I was trying to kill myself . She pulled me out , defeating the six year old power that Mary - Anne had . " There is much to live for , Jenisse ! Don 't be doing that again ! " She scolded . I knew I was too young to try to commit suicide , so I thought it was silly that my mother would think that . When I went to bed Mary - Anne was waiting for me . " I 'm sorry . I got carried away . I 'm sorry . " She had said . I now feared her . I knew her anger would get out of control if I said I did not forgive her , so I said I forgave her . But truly , I wanted to run to my mother and cry . I was woken up in the middle of the night with a shake on my arm . " Come on , Jenisse , let 's play ! " Mary - Anne whined . " I don 't want to play , now . I want to sleep . " I confirmed . Mary - Anne glared at me . " We will play NOW . GET UP ! " She demanded . With that , I pushed her out of my way and went to my mother 's room . I heard Mary - Anne scream in fury and scurry after me . I looked back . I saw Mary - Anne 's true face , bloody and burnt from fire . I knew now that she was a ghost , and she was dead . That scary thing that was around her bed - it was fire . It all came together and then I ran faster , trying to get to my mother 's room . I made it and Mary - Anne 's bloody face stared at me , and then she yelled , " I 'll get you ! " And with that , she disappeared . I told my mother all that had happened and my mother thought It was a nightmare . But it was too realistic to be a dream . I never saw Mary - Anne again . Maybe she crossed over and found her family or maybe she could not see me anymore , for she had revealed her true self and now I could no longer see her . Marching vampire home originated in four counties of western HU NAN province of western China . When a man died his body would be marched home by a magician before the corpse decayed . . . lining up with wrist tied to one string , corpses bounced along the road . It was yellow paper talisman attached to the corpse 's forehead which is given magic power by skilled magician that sent corpses following the magician ahead of them . During their move , gongs were struck and bells shook by other magicians to warn people ahead to avoid them . The gang moved at night and lodged at inn during daytime to go to sleep . On arriving at a hotel , magicians will remove talismans from corpse 's forehead for during daytime , corpses have no ability to make troubles . It is also said that actually , corpse was carried home by people on their shoulder . A generally - accepted idea is Marching vampire home is closely associated with drug - trafficking activity . Corpse is often considered not auspicious in Chinese tradition and people will avoid corpse as much as possible . So under the cover of vampire , opium produced by western powers , especially Britain , found their way to Chinese addicts . From this point , Britain contributed a lot to vampire legends in China . Once many tourists to Tibeta would wonder why gates there are so odd looking . Gate is so short , about one third shorter than ordinary gate , and into the house you feel like you are moving up a slope , which seems so out of proportion to gigantic house . To enter a Tibetan room , one must stoop in with head drooping . Outsiders may hold that these gates are results of bad designs before they were told the following legend . In practice , a gate is an effective tool against vampire 's invading . In Tibeta , people , wicked or suffering constant poverty , are likely to become vampires after their death . These vampires regretting not having fulfilled his evil desire or having enough to eat before their death , will rise up to implement their will . And unique Tibetan burial customs also facilitate formation of vampires . In Tibeta , especially in town , a dead person got buried 3 to 7 days before he is sent to sky - bury platform , where local shamans will cut his body to pieces to feed holy eagle . During this period , a series of religious ceremony will be held and corpse frequently transformed into a vampire . It is said that Vampires in Tibeta can not speak and stoop down and turning their body around and even move their eyeballs . They can only stare ahead and trot forward . If running across a person a vampire can easily turn him into his kind simply by laying his hand on the person 's head . And this eerie effect work only to human beings , while all animals are immune to it . So , based upon vampire 's traits , people built a gate short enough for vampire to entering a room . And this short gate can only be employed in buildings in town . For herdsmen living in a tent in enormous grass , they can not use a short - gate to avoid vampire , and they have to living a worrying life . Many old people and shaman in local claimed they repeatedly witnessed the transformation from a body into a vampire . They unanimously agree upon the following account : transformation is evolving and signs can be detected in advance . A corpse that is about to be a vampire may swell in the face , and he is black - skinned , hair standing upright and blister emerging on his skin . Then corpse will sit up slowly , eyes wide open and trot ahead with arms stretching out forward . Everyone is always saying that being a Vampire is fantastic . The nightlife , the powers , the true feeling of being alive and yet dead in the same moment . But I truly believe being one is not that great . I walk into my Catholic Church and feel every pain in my body become unbearable . Kneeling on the pews feel like nails and I become dizzy saying the Lord 's name . Over the years the symptoms have gotten worse . The need for blood is excruciating and the sun burns every part of me . My gums ache and I have to file them down to fit in . I have to hide the truth from my boyfriend and its hard not to be tempted my his blood . I had to get C - Section for my children . My first child I had went to the hospital . Through the surgery , I felt a presence . After the surgery , 3 hours later I had woken up . I saw a doctor standing at the door . " Hi , When am I leaving ? " I asked . He just stared . " Um , excuse me ! Tell me now ! " He totally disappeared . I got a wheelchair in the corner and rolled into the hallway . Silence filled the room . I rolled down the old rusted hallway , to my surprise , I turned to see everybody in each room dead ! Blood and all ! I quickly rolled into the elevator and clicked Numbre 1 ( this place was made by a French man ) . I went through into the lobby . I saw dead people at the desk , just all over the lobby ! I heard foot - steps . I jumped out of my wheelchair and limped behind a chair . I saw a bloody killer with a knife going to the elevator . I quickly jumped into my wheel chair when he went to Floor 18 . I went into the hallway and saw a woman on the floor . She was hiding , also ! " Are you okay ? We 've gotta get out of here ! " I whispered . We folded up our wheel - chairs after getting to the escalator . We went down to the very bottom ( The lobby is on the first floor basement and is how you get in and out ) . We saw the door boarded up ! I cried . We tried the door , and it didn 't budge . " Keys ! " she snatched the keys from the janitors room and unlocked the door . We ran outside . We got to my car , and drove to the police station . You probably won 't believe me . I wouldn 't have believed me either , so I don 't blame you . But I 'll tell you anyways , and then maybe you will believe me . Most people want to move to Hawaii . When I discovered that my family was moving there because of my dad 's job , ( photojournalist ) I was so excited ! This was back when I was just 12 . My excitment did not last long . Our house was beautiful . We lived in a three - story mansion ( well , to me it seemed to be a mansion ) . It was located three blocks away from the beach . " Awesome , " I thought . Only three days later , strange things began happening . Little things ; books randomly falling off of the shelf ( my mom always blamed my brother or our dog ) , weird stains on our bedroom curtains ( rusty in color ) , and the same colored drops on the floor leading over to our beds . What was creepiest about these seeming paint drops , was that they weren 't in the house when we first moved in , and we hadn 't painted any of the rooms . It was that horrifying night that I regretted ever moving to Hawaii . It was midnight and I knew I was asleep , the vision I was having , it was my room only . . . it wasn 't . I was laying on my bed staring at the ceiling then suddenly , I saw a girl standing outside my window . I noticed she had a lot of blood all over her clothes . In fact , she was bleeding so much that it was getting all over my curtains . As she climbed through my window ( to my utter horror ) the blood dripped onto the floor , exactly where the rusty colored drops were after the first night we had spent in our new house . Suddenly in one swift movement , she jumped over the window sill and stared at me with her icy eyes . I wanted to scream . I seemed to be frozen . I couldn 't move , couldn 't scream , no matter how hard I tried . My mouth opened , no sound came out . I could barely even breathe . The girl was watching me . I was more terrified as I noticed that she was missing an entire arm , most of her stomach , her whole side , and a small portion of her neck . It was empty , gaping , bloody wounds on her whole left side . I looked around my room , more than just startled by a nightmare . To my horror , the window was open . I hadn 't opened it before going to sleep , I had closed ( and locked ) it . My eyes fell to the curtains , not wanting to see what I knew would be there . Blood . Dried blood . That awful , rusty color stained the old , off - white curtains . By this time , my eyes were as wide as saucers . It was about five o ' clock in the morning , and the sun was barely up in the sky . The early morning light illuminated the blood drops on the floor , leading in a trail over to my bed . I told my parents about the ' dream ' . Before doing so , however , I told them nonchalontly that I wanted to do a bit of research on the last family that had lived in our house . Surprisingly , there was a lot of information that came up , even a website . The article title of one of the articles on the website read : " GIRL SWIMS LATE AT NIGHT ; ATTACKED BY SHARK . " I skimmed the article . It read , " Violet Border , age 15 , 1964 - 79 , surfing with unknown boy of 18 . . . . " awful . I couldn 't believe we actually had bought Violet 's house . Or was it really hers ? I saw a black and white photo of her on the website . It was wrinkled and faded with age , but I saw through the laughing face of Violet Border , and recognized her from my dream ! Why would I dream about a girl I had never seen or heard of before ? It was , I think , two years ago when my sister bought the Vampire Kisses three book collection . I picked it up and was trying to read the first book , but I only managed to get half - way through it before I quit . It wasn 't because the book was boring , though . I couldn 't see the face . All that I saw was this tattered - but - flowy white gown . I looked back at the book , and then looked back up when I heard my sister . The figure was gone . A girl called Holly and a girl called Maisy and Holly 's mum and dad were all going on holiday . Holly and Maisy were the best of friends . Holly was 12 and Maisy was 12 . anyway it was a caravan holiday so Holly 's dad was driving them all . As it was going to take a while to get there they had to stay in a Premier for a night . . . On the day after they had stopped at the premier inn it was Holly 's birthday so Holly 's mum and dad booked her and Maisy a separate room from them so that they could get all of the presents ready and things . When they arrived at the premier inn they both went off to their separate rooms . As soon as the girls got into the room they jumped straight onto the double bed and got out their Nintendo 's ( DS ) and played on them , but they both went on pictochat where you can talk to each other , they were having a conversation with each other and all of a sudden a message was sent to Maisy saying ' YOU WILL BE KILLED TONIGHT ' . . . she turned around to Holly and asked why she had sent that to her , and Holly replied ' I didn 't why would I sent that to me best friend ? ' Maisy said to her ' look who sent it too me then ? ' They both didn 't know and were really scared . They were both really existed before about having their own room but now that had been sent they were terrified and did not want a room of their own . . . After a while they went downstairs into the restaurant for some tea . they were going to tell Holly 's mum and dad about the message but they decided it was probably a prank or something . After finishing their tea they went back up to both of their rooms . the two girls got ready for bed and tucked up in the covers Maisy said she was quite tired and she fell asleep in no time where as with Holly it took her ages to get to sleep . at about 11 . 30 she drifted off to sleep . Holly woke up that night at about 1 . 00 am . To her surprise she got out of bed and walked up to the door and locked the door and posted the key out of the letter box . . . this woke Maisy up , Maisy asked what she was doing and Holly said ' I don 't know I cant control my actions ' . And sure enough she couldn 't control them . Holly walked over to the glasses picked one up and threw it on the ground until it smashed into pieces . Holly walked over to it and picked a piece of it up and started walking slowly over to Maisy . Maisy was telling her to stop it but Holly was trying her best to stop but she couldn 't . Holly climbed onto the bed and leaned over Maisy with the piece of glass held up in the air . Holly decided she wanted to say something to Maisy so she started . . . ' Maisy you have been the best friend anyone could ever ask for , I 'm so upset it has to end like this - me killing you , my heart is honestly broken and I bet yours is too , I am promising you now that if my actions force me to kill you I will kill myself and I promise that . . . also I promise I will never forget you and I will see you in heaven soon ' . That was it , Holly 's arm being forced towards Maisy and Holly sliced Maisy 's throat . . . Holly was in control of her actions now and as she had promised , she killed herself the exact same way as she killed Maisy . At least they are together now in heaven . ( THIS IS A TRUE STORY AND THE PHYSIC PERSON THAT WENT IN TO SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED , HE SAID THAT IT WOULDN ' T HAVE HAPPENED IF THEY HAD STAYED AT HOME ) Sent in by Laura One day me and my friends were bored , so we were browsing though some web sites and saw this house . It was indeed the scariest house I have ever seen , the house was very old and looked like it was built in the 1900s . Its Victorian , haunted and abandoned . We started a bet . The bet was that which one of us could stay there for a one week and we would all go and see which one would get scared first and leave . If the last person stayed there we all would pool together and pay him or she $ 2 , 000 dollars . So we did but only to find out what we had brought our self into and that we found out . We all went and one of or friends he got scared when he saw the house immediately so we encouraged him to do it . So we went in and there were old beds and dresses , old wallpapers , but the weird thing is that the house was very cold , I mean it was so cold . The temperature outside was cold but the normally chilly so I was not paying that any mind . All of a sudden we felt like some thing or someone was watching us so we all were freaking out but we played it cool and just didn 't pay it any mind . We continued and we saw a room that looked like we could camp out in so we started unpacking . I was scared but I just played it cool because I was the one who put them up for this . My girlfriend was there and we went for a walk in the nearby woods to look at the beautiful scenery and we walked and walked on til I saw like a head stone peeking out of the leafs . My girl she freaked on the spot so I calmed her down and we looked at the name on it and we say William Conner and Michele Conner on it then we start hearing sounds of someone walking towards us . We didn 't see anyone so being the brave one that I thought I am I went off looking for what or who it was and I saw what looked like a figure of a man looking right at me . I freak out and ran I thought it was a stalker / killer , that was the most terrifying and freakiest thing that I have every seen in my life . My girl she was shaking all over . I tried to calm her down but she couldn 't stop shaking . My friend Dave saw us coming and asked what happened . We were so afraid to tell them what happened because we didn 't want them to freak out but we told them anyway and they all saying we 're bugging out so I said ok then go and look for yourselves . And they all did and me and Stacy were all alone in the house . For a while the both of us heard sounds coming form the up stairs . It stopped then I told Stacy to stay here . I went to check out what it was then this cold air comes rushing in and it got stronger . I could see my breath coming out of my mouth . I went in one of the bed rooms and started looking in the room and to my surprised I saw a tall pale skinned lady with dark hair standing and looking thought the window so I asked her who she was . I thought she was a homeless person but later found out this was her home . So I stand there scared to death freezing cold then she looked around at me her face was so terrifying that I ran out the room and ran out though the door . I stopped and stand there for about a second trying to come to terms of what I just saw . My girl friend was asking me what 's wrong but I couldn 't talk , everything was so foggy , and I can 't breath . She had some water that she brought with her , so she gave me some to drink . I looked up on the top of the houses attic window where I saw the thing in and don 't see her . I thought I was losing it . I start talking in jables and then I blacked out for a while . Two minutes later I recovered and looked up only to see my girlfriend Stacy over me . I couldn 't see but I knew it was her . I couldn 't breathe for a while , my head was all cloudy and foggy , my ear was ringing . I look outside it was night at this time and the entire outside was pitch black . I asked her what happened ? She told me that I had fainted . I asked her where are the others ? She said they haven 't returned from the woods yet . Then I start panicking thinking if they got hurt . I went outside calling them . I didn 't get any answer . My girl began to cry . I was scared at the time so I told her to shut up ! I ran up stairs looking for a flashlight . Then I went in the woods looking for them . I was freaking out because the place was so dark but I didn 't want to show it . She ran out with me . I start calling for David but no answer then I heard someone screaming and crying out for help . I called for Shoran because I could tell it was her voice then I heard the same foot step coming towards us that we heard earlier . I heard branches snapping and breaking then we saw Shoran in the bushes hiding . I asked her what was going on , where are the others ? She said we saw some strange things coming after them they ran separate places and hid she don 't know where they were . I then saw what looked like a transparent man walking past us . He didn 't see us behind the bushes . Shoran had lost it , I had to clam her down she said " you got us in this " I said I was sorry that I ever came here sorry I got us in all of this . So my girlfriend said let 's go we have to get the others then we saw mike and David . I said where were you guys let 's get out of here . Aas we approached the house all the lights were flickering . I said I 'm not going back in there . We all heard a music box playing and getting louder and louder and screams . I thought I was in a horror movie so Mike said forget the bags lets get out of here . We got in the car and then it wouldn 't start . We start panicking and the house started going wild . The walls were banging louder and louder and then I said " Jesus help us what have I got my self into ? " Mike tried the car a couple more times then I saw the freaky looking lady coming after the car . Then the car starts and I was like hurry up then we drove away from the house . It was a sigh of relief for all of us . I said to myself " never will I do that again and never will look at a haunted house on the internet . " We all didn 't talk about what had happened that night . Mike never told us what happened in the woods with them , neither did I . We all went off into our life 's but what happened in the house and in the woods none of us will ever ever forget . It was 1988 , The Furby came out . My sister got one and when I came I got it . It always did what I wanted . Until one day , I was playing with it . It started getting an attitude . It always said no . A couple years later , I was almost 4 years old . And I was ready to play with Furby again . I reset Furby and he took on his normal behavior for a while , and then started to get angry again . I was angry , I opened him up to take out the batteries . But I was shocked ! There were no batteries ! I threw him into the cellar and locked it . The next day I was ready to throw him out . He was not there . He had somehow gotten out from the basement onto the porch . I went outside with a net , and grabbed Furby with it . I dumped him into the trash can at the edge of the driveway . And just in time . The garbage truck was coming . Furby took a glance at the truck , and started screaming for mercy not to be crushed . I said " Furby , prepare to meet your biggest doom . " It was a joy to see him die . I then got a new Tuxedo Furby . He was normal . And when I talked about the old Furby , he said " Furby Bad . " And I agreed with him . But a year later he died . I held his funeral . Now I have no more Furbys . And that is the end of my very scary , but true story . After our house was destroyed by a huge fire , we were picking out a house we should live in . My mom picked this white house and it was very pretty . We went inside and unpacked and everything looked pretty good . We even got a dog . Her name was Princess . She was the fun of the family . But after settling in and getting used to everything , strange things started happening . Like every night our dog would whimper and be all sad , then before you reached over to pet her , she would be running around the house barking loudly . And on sunny days , like being in the kitchen in the morning baking ( my mom always does that ) On the floor there would be your shadow then you would see a shadow next to you that looks completely different , and no one was there . And here 's the freakiest . Sometimes when you were alone at night , sitting on the couch reading or watching TV , you would hear something running down the stairs and into the living room , and you would hear it jump onto the couch and it would say , " Watcha reading ? " Or , " Watcha watching ? " At dinner we discussed how we all heard the thing in the living room , or saw the shadows . My little brother and sister assumed it was a ghost . My parents thought it was crazy , and it couldn 't possibly be a ghost . I believed them , because it could be true . My mom was up yesterday and was really mad . She was so mad she snapped a spoon in half . She thought it was ridiculous that a ghost would be haunting this house . She thought we would be living normally . So next year when my brother turned 9 , my little sister was 10 , and I was 16 . We were cleaning out the attic , moving boxes , redecorating , all that . We were changing the wall paper , I teared it down , then , BOOM ! I fainted . I saw a dead girl under the wallpaper . She had chunks of wall on her , and she had some skin and stuff but she was mostly skeleton . She looked like she was about 16 . After that we moved out and our old house was rebuilt so we moved there again and lived normally . I am a Spiritual Medium and Clairvoyant . In 1988 , my husband and I , took residence in a large flat in a very old home , located in Watervliet , New York . I initially had a very unsettling feeling about the property and began to experience a strange series of events just before , and following moving in to " 207 . " Chesleigh House dates way back in fact it was once owned by Sir Hickman Bacon who at one time was one of the richest men in Britain , and who also owned Gainsborough Old Hall . By the turn of the 20th century Chesleigh House had become a Victorian school for boys and then went on to become Gainsborough 's maternity hospital which would have seen many a birth of a baby and sadly too the death of both babies and their unfortunate mothers . In the 1970s it became a dance school for twenty years and now its used as a boys learning centre . With it 's chequered history , and reported ghostly activity what spectral beings would await the Simply Ghost Nights team and fellow ghost hunters as we attempted spirit contact at this reputedly haunted building . Jo ( number 2 ) had to leave one vigil to be physically sick as she felt nauseas and had stomach pains , could this have been the spirit of a former pregnant mother that Jo could have sensed . On returning to the room Jo stated that she felt much better and could not understand what had happened . In another vigil the group made contact with a spirit called Stanley who , had worked there many years ago , and in a separate vigil Steve spoke of a spirit who made ghostly contact through glass divination , but would only communicate when Dan asked the questions . In the same vigil Kirsty screamed after the chair she was sat in was shaken by unseen hands , and it took some time for Kirsty to calm down . We must begin in the reputedly most haunted bedroom in England , the paneled bedroom where Rosey was conducting a vigil with a group of ghost hunters , in the darkened quiet of the bedroom , they were just calling out when the heavy door that had been shut suddenly swung open at great speed , an intrepid ghost hunter Simon ran to the doorway to see if another group member had opened it , to Simon 's consternation no one was there and the corridor empty . Simon shut the door firmly and they all sat down again all totally bemused , when a few minutes later the door swung open again to the horror of all of them in the room , Simon again was first one to the doorway and again no one was insight . Simon yet again shut the door firmly and some minutes passed again when the incident happened again , for a third time Simon got to the doorway and no one was there . Glynn , Craig and Karl were amazed when attempting spirit communication through table tapping , when however many times they tapped on the table the same number of taps was repeated on the table by the unseen hands of the spirit world . In another room coughing was heard so audibly in the room that it was as though someone in the room had actually done it , however there was no one in the corner where the noise had emanated from . This was not the only ghostly voice heard , in a number of vigils the sound of a woman moaning was heard clearly by many ghost hunters in the group . I lived with my grandma , my grandmom lived in a funeral home in Ohio it was big and blue . A lot of things happened in that house , especially with me . One night I was sleeping and I felt like someone was watching me so I woke up , the first thing I looked at was the closet ( I really don 't know why ) and right there in the top corner I saw two red eyes just staring at me . I thought it was my cousin messing with me like always so I called his name but he didn 't respond so I got a little scared after that , then after a second I heard laughing like it was so evil , that 's when I felt my body freeze like I couldn 't move at all . I screamed and screamed it felt like for hours . I forced my self and said in Jesus name I demand you to leave ( that 's what my grandmom taught me to say ) and all it did was laugh and say " you don 't think your God is coming right ? " the room was so cold I saw my own breath . My bed started shaking , then it all calmed down and I ran for the door . I told my grandmom what happened and the next morning she went in my room and blessed it , but the demon still bothered me until thanksgiving of 2008 . It was the end of everything . My grandmom started to pray and yell on God 's name to release the demon from my body that was haunting me since the funeral home . My grandmom said that the demon told her he would never leave my body that it 's hiss and that he was going to take my soul straight to Hell . My grandmom did a lot of stuff to get it out . My grandmom also told me my eyeballs changed into all black . Things around the room started moving , being thrown to one wall to the other . My family tried to come in and my grandmom told them no that she had it under control she didn 't want the demon to jump in another body . Then she took the demon out . She took me to the hospital because I wasn 't breathing strongly enough . Everything from there on it 's been good but sometimes I do feel like the demon still haunts me today . Sent in by Kayshla Maldonado My cousin had brought a Furby a couple of years ago . At first it was an ordinary doll with a bunch of motion sensors . We used to put our fingers in its mouth and it would say " mmm yummy " . I had a couple of experiences with this " toy " at first it would wake us up at night not allowing us to sleep . So that 's how it went . Soon it got annoying and my aunt took out the batteries . But my little cousin started crying that she wanted to play with the Furby so we put the batteries back in . Soon other people at school started having Furby experiences . People were spreading rumors about Furby 's being made in area 51 to see how they would respond to alien activity . My cousin kept on playing with the Furby . It would love the little kids but would look as if they hate the older kids . One night my cousin put the Furby under my bed for the night . I woke up at 3 in the morning to see the Furby next to the window . I thought it wasn 't a Furby because it was dark in the room . But by itS familiar ears I knew it was a Furby . I was scared . I couldn 't open the lights because I thought it would do something to me , so I just put my covers over my head and went to sleep . In the morning I saw that it was a Furby and it was looking straight at me . I told my mom to take the batteries out of the doll because I was too scared to do it myself . Soon after it kept on showing up wherever I was with batteries . It was almost like it wanted me to put the batteries back inside of it . Everyone told me I was losing my mind I thought so too . What would you do if this happened to you ? I thought of burning it . But it was my cousin who wouldn 't let me and my aunt reinserted the batteries . Soon it was out of control that was my excuse I was ready to burn it . But I had to wait a night . That night was a nightmare . It wouldn 't stop talking . In fury I told it to shut up and it swore ! I faced my fears got up and grabbed it . That 's when it eyes turned red . I tried to take out the batteries but there weren 't any ! Someone took them out . I woke my mom and she threw it out in the garbage . in the morning it was back in the house and that 's when I burned it ugly pink fur it let out a scream and that was the end . I suggest you don 't buy one of these little demonic creatures . OK . This might sound a little creepy , and you might think I 'm making this up - BUT IM NOT ! I was there . I saw it with my very own eyes . It all started like this . I 'm 32 years old and I 'm a ghost hunter . I hunt for all different places where ghosts might be lurking and check the place out . My friend Agnus and I were on our laptops , finding any emails from our boss . One of them were named ' THE DEATHLY WOODS ' . Agnus looked at me with a concerned look and double clicked on the Email . These were the exact words typed on the email : Agnus , I 'm sorry to say but you and Olivia are going to lose your jobs . We have thought about it and would like to give you a second chance . If you fail , you will hand in your Ghost Hunting equipment and leave the HQ immediately . But if you succeed to find a major sign of a ghost , you will be a definite Ghost Hunter . The place that I have selected for you and Olivia is the Deathly Woods , right across the road from ' St Victoria 's Church ' . In the center of the woods is a graveyard , which you must discover . One of the stones says ' Ephina Wilkon ' . Research it very well . Yours Sincerely , George EastburnI couldn 't believe it . We had lost our jobs ? This makes no sense . But just yesterday , George said that we were excellent hunters and wouldn 't survive without us ! How come he sent us a farewell message ? Agnus looked worried but confident at the same time . " We have to check out the Deathly Woods , tonight ! " Was she crazy ? " No way am I going there ! Have you heard that legend about it ? " I said standing nervously . " No " Agnus said , looking curious . " Well ! There was once a lady who lived with her 14 children in a cottage . The cottage was where the graveyard was now . She felt rushed , and pressured . She killed her children and herself . A year ago , two children walked through the woods on Halloween night , eager to trick or treat on the other side of the town . When they were walking , they heard a sudden scream . They looked at each other with pale faces , and followed the scream . When they were closer , they saw a woman dressed in white , falling into a lake and drowning herself " I said , acting out the story as I was saying it . Agnus started laughing . " Yeah , right ! " she said wiping her eyes for the laughing tears . That night , we gathered our equipment and set off to the Deathly Woods . We saw the moon peeking behind the trees shaping an entrance . We saw stones , saying peoples names . They all happened to have the same last name - Wilkon . There was " Henry Wilkon , Samantha Wilkon , Josephine Wilkon , Phillip Wilkon and all types of names . 14 of them ! Agnus held onto me close , gripping my shoulder tightly . Agnus screamed . I looked at her . She pointed at something . I followed her finger until I saw a woman in white , drowning little kids in a lake . I couldn 't scream . I just couldn 't . Instead , my mouth fell open , trying to make a sound but failing . We ran down the woods to the church . Agnus looked behind us , but I didn 't dare to . She pointed behind us , but I didn 't look . Instead , I just kept on running . I ran so fast that I lost sight of Agnus . She had gone . I rang George to tell him the news . He didn 't understand what I was saying . ' I went to the Deathly Woods and lost Agnus ' I said , panting my heart out . ' That 's . . . interesting ' George said , in a strange tone . ' Have I lost my job ? ' I said , crossing my fingers and closing my eyes . ' Of course not ! Why would I fire you ? ' George said , smiling . " But you sent that email to Agnus ! ' I said , concerned . George left a sudden pause . . . ' I never sent any email to Agnus ' One morning , about 6 : 30 , ( it is in the middle of summer ) I woke to my mom shuffling around . So being my groggy self I went up to tell her to shut up and I went back into my room . It was pitch black , and my door was all the way closed . My houses heater is always on . I was facing my lamp when I felt a huge swoosh go down all my body . I was suddenly freezing . I turned my head and saw , by my empty wall , two huge red eyes staring at me . I ran and jumped out of bed into my moms room . My basement has carpet , which is weird , because this next experience scared me terribly . It was 2 : 00 in the morning and I was up because I had to much candy that day . I was walking towards my IPod station when I felt like I was falling , and all I could see was black . I felt like I was falling on the giant drop , only it didn 't stop . When I could see I was back in my bed . The weird part ? No one except for me was staying at the house that night . Then , me and my friend , Alexia were having a sleepover in my basement . Alexia being a smart - alec wanted to see if I had any spirits in my house , so instead of a Ouija board , we used a dice . Shutting of all the lights , we calmly said together , " If any spirits are here in this house , please roll a two . " We rolled a two , we repeated this 3 times . All twos . Then Lexi got an evil look in her eyes . Her eyes turned blue , ( they are normally a very noticeable vibrant green ) and her voice was scratchy . Coming towards me , she whispered out the words , " Murdered Landlord . " We rent our house , and the landlord is still alive . Lexi then passed out , and me in fright , passed out with her . We woke up at 2 in the afternoon , Lexi not remembering a thing . I didn 't tell her what happened . Then the thought hit me . In my backyard , my landlord has a shed which no one is allowed in . So , at 11 at night , I went into my backyard to open the door . I didn 't get in , so I decided to throw a rock at the window . Then a boy appeared . The same cold blue eyes on him . He looked the same age as me . He sneered at my then raised a bloody fist and disappeared . I ran inside and slept with the light on . I am so glad I moved away . But so many questions are still in my head . I 've always talked to spirits ever since I was 4 . Yes pretty creepy huh , but I 've also been attacked by demons and bad souls . I 've almost died about 20 times , yes its pathetic . . . but I 've made friends with them . I 've helped them in everything , with their past , life , marriage , and all those good stuff . But on 10 / 10 / 10 the greatest evil is upon us . If we don 't defeat it the spirit world is doomed , no spirits will ever exist again ! We need all of your support this is why I 'm writing this story to all of you who are reading this . This is not fake . Its real . People might tell you that you 're crazy but your not . Help me out in this quest if you believe . My family , ever since I was small , thinks that I 'm an evil spirit . How pathetic is that ? But oh well I believe on what I do not on what people say to me . I remember my old house . Kind of dull and not very fun , but that 's not why I remember it . The reason I remember that house in Devon was because of a strange incident that happened there . We moved there because it was bigger and better than my other house . . . or so I thought . Opposite our house was three houses joined together and I could only see them when I was looking out of my window , because I never thought of going into the garden and watching from there . I can vividly remember wondering if there was any kids living there , I never saw anyone go in . . . or out . I was 13 at the time , still a child myself . My dad worked funny hours and my mum babied my little brother Shaun until the age of 6 , the age he was when the incident happened . Mum left me and Shaun alone ( it was the first time she had done this ) and we were told not to leave the house . Shaun soon got bored and I tried to amuse him with some games and stuff . It didn 't work though and he just wasn 't having any of it ! As I passed the kitchen table to go get Shaun a snack , I noticed a tin that I had never seen before . It was green and had a flower on the top ( not a real flower though ) . I peered in side and discovered a little key . After almost an hour of Shaun whining , I decided to grab the key and open the back door with it . I let my brother outside and I followed explaining to him that he needed to listen to me when I said " we have to be in before mum gets back . . . okay ? " He nodded and ran straight to the swing set . We giggled as I pushed him higher and higher , and for a split second I looked towards the houses . In the second house ( directly opposite ours ) I saw a little girl watching me . I stopped pushing and rushed over to the fence immediately . We starred at each other for minutes ! But what happened after was even weirder . Mum had arrived early and we were still outside when she came . The first thing I expected was a telling off for leaving the house . But mum was fine with us ' exploring ' . The morning after , mum was still in bed at 11 : 00 am and so me and Shaun took a wander outside gain . But this time we didn 't see the little girl in the window . . . we saw her in our garden . Shaun screamed loudly but I covered his mouth with one hand so he didn 't startle the girl . She looked and me and ran to Shaun smiling at him and wanting to play . I was in shock and didn 't think anything of it . At least they were having fun . The girl would laugh and play with little Shaun but every few minutes she would look at me . Her smile would fade to a displeased look and she would stare at me for endless seconds . Finally I said " erm . . . we have to go now . " The little girl looked . She didn 't seem too pleased . After maybe 5 minutes I asked " what 's your name ? " " Isabella " She would reply . He said she hit him on the arm , and there it was . . . a little hand print all red and saw . He also complained that she opened his door every night and closed it again just to wake him up . But the worst worrying thing was when I woke up to get a drink and I saw Isabella on the kitchen floor . . . dead I think ! But I also saw her in her window . . . the day after . A ghost . . . that 's what she was ! She hated me for no reason . . . and we were her victims ! Hello today what I will tell you is true , it happened on November 13 , 1988 . My friend Sarah was my best friend when we were in 6th grade . I always hanged out with her and her friends . Everything Was good but until one faithful day . . . One night when Sarah went to sleep she saw a old face on the closet door . She screamed for her mom . I heard the scream ( I was living next door ) . her mom finally came in and she told her there 's nothing there . Next day Sarah told me what happened exactly . I started to laugh a little and joke around , but she looked dead serous . The next three nights I heard her scream again and again . A week later she never wanted to hang out , she always yelled at me and was always angry . I didn 't know what was going on till two weeks later . She didn 't come to school for a week , and I brought her the homework she ripped the sheets in a million pieces . I was staring to worry about her , she wouldn 't even eat for days . One night she started scratching herself , screaming and attacking her parents . The next day the went to the hospital because she was bleeding put of her mouth . Months pass it got more severe and deadly , her voice changed deeper and her face changed older . Hours past and my friend Sarah stopped breathing , no pulse and her skin was pale . I was so sad that my friend died that night , her mom almost fainted from crying . It was a night that would always be in my mind . . . Anyway the day I arrived in my uni dorm , I was unpacking my boxes when the in - room phone rang . That 's funny I though to myself as I didn 't remember connecting the phone . I picked it up and said " Hello , it 's Isabelle . " I threw the phone away from myself and closed my eyes . I recognized the voice . It was the voice of my dead boyfriend . I shook my head and forced myself to believe I was imagining things . I put my hand over my mouth to stop myself from crying out . Paul was my boyfriend and he had died two years ago in a car crash . How could he be calling me now ? " You shouldn 't , I 'm the reason you 're dead . I was the one driving the car . I got you killed . I " m so bloody sorry Paul " I screeched . Well some background on my life . I live in Philadelphia . When I was 4 , I lived with my mother , step father and 2 brothers . I believe an Incubus entity is actually stalking me . We moved to an apartment complex , because we couldn 't afford a house . We had our own rooms , and I would always have trouble sleeping in mine . I would always go to sleep , and wake up with my panties off . This begin to happen when I was four . Now at the time , a child 's mind doesn 't think " oh maybe my step - father is touching me , or my brothers are sexually messed up like that . " That 's NEVER crossed my mind , because my brothers were 6 , and 10 at the time . ALL the time i would go to sleep and wake up with my panties off . This was actually impossible for them to even consider doing this to me , seeing as how my room was too big , and i had little toys to play with , so i always slept with my grandmother when she came to visit . My grandmother hated her room door opened and hated people coming in and out to wake her up . So she would lock her door , and have the air conditioner on . I would also wake up with my panties off . ( It 's shocking this happened ) . This panties problem happened from the age of 4 - 6 . This panties thing Stopped when I turned 7 , but instead of my panties coming off at night , I would always have the urge to have sexual enter course . ( I was 7 . . . I knew nothing about sex ) It was like I would get horny for 4 minutes , then the next it was gone . That happened until i was 10 . What I didn 't know was this THING was still bothering me . I NEVER slept walked in my life , ever . I would often sleep in the living room , and end up in the bathroom floor . That would never click with me but i never thought too much of it . When i turned 14 , i moved with my mother in a house in west Philadelphia . Even to this day , i remember the 1st night i spent in that house . It will forever scar me until I am in my grave . I was watching TV , and something kept waking me up . i would wake up , fall asleep , wake up , fall asleep . Something that night had did something to me , because from my mothers knowledge , my brother came to visit , and when he came into my room , I woke up screaming . I said something to him and I don 't recall what i said , but he said these exact words to me . " What the hell are you saying girl ? " When i turned 14 , i started watching " Ghost hunters , " my favorite TV show . I 've grown to actually notice when this thing comes around me . I would often see black shadows dart up the steps . We own 2 cats , they would often look past me at the wall as if something was behind me . What ever this thing is , i believe it 's an Incubus , I 'm always " sexually pleasured " without mine or anyone else doing . I often feel like killing myself , or the thought of my life being a waste . I never hear voices , but there is something here . Ok so when I was 4 ( I 'm 13 now ) my mom got a house that her friend used to live in . He was a 10 year old boy and his name was Joe . His parents treated him like crap and made him sleep where our laundry room now is ( which isn 't big at all ) . And one day him and his brother were playing in the backyard and he told his brother that he was going to hang himself in the barn because he didn 't like being treated like that . His brother didn 't take him seriously and he just shook his head and went inside . When he went back out to get him for dinner he couldn 't find him so he went and looked everywhere then finally he looked in the barn to find his brother hanging from a rope with a knocked over chair below him . Well nothing ever happened to us . We saw Joe walking around in the house and in the yard sometimes but we didn 't do anything about it because he never hurt us or bothered us at all . Well my mom got a new boyfriend 5 months ago and he dropped his pocket knife out by the barn so he went to look for it at like 8 o ' clock and he heard something say ' get away ' well he just shrugged it off and continued looking for his knife and a minute later he felt his neck get really hot like he got burned with something . He got freaked out and came back to the house . He told my mom to look at his neck to see if it was burnt . She said no but you have 3 scratches . She went with him back to the barn and he got scratched again on his leg , the same as last time just 3 scratches . My mom took pictures of his scratches and this time me her and him went out there with the camera to take pictures and talk to Joe . He went in the barn the back way and he tried to open the door and when he tried to open it he jumped and he came over to my mom and told her he felt like he got burnt again on his back . She lifted up his shirt and he had 3 long scratch marks on his back and this time it drew blood . From his shoulder to his lower back . He provoked Joe and again he got scratched on his leg his stomach and his arm . We went back inside and took pictures of his scratches and my little sister got freaked out . We went back out again and it happened again taking the pictures when he felt the heat . And again the week after that them and 2 of their friends went out there cause they didn 't believe them and it didn 't do anything . It was still daytime . They went out at night and it did it again with someone standing by him and his friend didn 't get scratched and my moms friend said that it seemed to get worse as they walked away so they started to walk away and and then it choked him . I don 't know if it was Joe if maybe he reminds him of his dad and wants revenge for beating him or if its not Joe and its some demon or something . But it really freaks us out . If it is Joe he hasn 't done anything for a good 25 years to anybody and I really don 't think its him . I used to believe people when they said ghosts ( or whatever it is ) don 't want to hurt you but we learned the hard way that some do want to hurt you . or even try to kill you . A loving family of 3 , a mom ( Barbra ) , a dad ( Mitcheal ) , and a soon to be baby boy ( Jack ) . They were all living in Rock Island in a nice and clean house . They were waiting for the arrival of there baby boy Jack . One night at 10 : 37 they rushed to the hospital . About 10 hours later there new baby Jack was born 7lb . 7 oz . and 20 . 5 inches long . A health boy they had . When they got home they unloaded everything and went inside . Barbra was really tired from the delivery of the baby so she went to bed and asked Mitcheal if he would watch the baby for a few hours . After she got up and was very well rested she went down to watch baby Jack . A few weeks went by were no body in the house could sleep . The baby would not stop crying for hours on end . It got so bad that they finally went to the doctors to see what was wrong with baby Jack . The doctor came back and told them Jack had colic . Nothing could help him or get him to stop . The doctor said that by the age of 6 months it would stop . At this time he was 4 months old . Barbra and Mitcheal were still tired from the night before . 1 hour later Jack woke them up . Mitcheal was tired of the baby always waking up in the middle of the night . The day before Christmas Eva Barbra started packing for her business trip she has to take tomorrow . Mitcheal was yelling at Barbra for leaving him home with baby Jack . So the dad was all alone with baby Jack . Once again baby Jack cried loudly and Mitcheal got up and tried to get him to stop . Baby Jack wouldn 't stop so Mitcheal decided to " take care " of him . Mitcheal went to his room with baby Jack . At 1 : 13 am he opened the window , found a cord and wrapped it around his neck . " I 'll stop your crying " was the last thing that baby Jack heard before flying out the window . SNAP ! He franticly pulled baby Jack back in threw the window . Mitcheal was scared that he actually did that . Mitcheal put baby Jack back into his crib . Mitcheal didn 't know what to do next so he went to bed . The next day Mitcheal got up and opened his presents from his wife . He turned on the Christmas lights and sat back down with a beer but unknown to him the Christmas lights were starting a fire while the fireplace is burning he turns on the Christmas parade . The fire upstairs finally burnt threw the floor and the collapsing house killed Mitcheal . And now if you light a fire , look at the colored flames , and at 1 : 13 am you will see baby Jacks face in the flames and hear the snapping of baby Jacks neck . All the sudden the fire will go out and the coals wont even light . When I moved into the apartment with my dad I was almost 13 years old . The same day I moved in I had a small strange little feeling of something not being quite right . I told my dad about it but he ignored me . The first night it was clear that my room was unusually cold . A few weeks later I started to feel a very strong presence inside my room . It felt like someone was near my bed , this went on for about a week or two . After a while I started to see a man with blue eyes and dirty blonde hair . He looked to be in his late 20 's to early 30 's . I started to see the face of one of the sprits . After a few years I stopped sleeping in my room because it got to a point where I could not sleep in it anymore . This stopped a lot of the supernatural stuff . But when I decided to go to high school after couple of years of home schooling things got worse because I was having a very hard time at school because I was always the quiet girl who the other girls out casted but I also have depression . I started to see Angels around me . But I also believe that I have other spirits around me . The other spirits have caused me to feel , hear , smell , see chills , cold spots , warm spots , tingling , white light , green and purple orb , the outlines of three spirits , floating body parts , hearing an unearthly voice which sounded like a recording , someone near my ear , someone near my neck , arms , back , neck , chest , lower back be touched , someone 's head in my face , someone touching my necklace around my neck , feeling someone putting their hand or cheek to my face , someone touching my hair , someone touching my hair with their hand and then coming to my ear , when I 'm on the couch there is a pulling force it feels like someone is holding me , breathing , someone coming up the stairs footsteps stop at my bedroom window , spirit makes smell which smells like burning cloth or something sulphuric , some times it is like someone is on top of me , crackling and other strange sounds , someone holding me , someone kissing me more than once ( very very creepy ) . And of course he is not a dead boyfriend . My dad would leave early for work after waking us up for school . Most mornings I would walk the 5 blocks to school instead of getting a ride . My sister had to ride with my dad because her school was father away . But this morning she was playing sick and I told my dad I would walk since he was already running late after fighting with my sister about playing hooky . As I left my sister was still in her room laying down . Her best friend had showed up shortly after my dad had left for work . Well I left and when I came home I found them outside under the tree . I asked them what was wrong . They told me that they thought they had seen a ghost in my room . Thinking that they were joking , I was only 10 at the time , I walk into the house and go to my room to do homework . As I opened the door I saw a little girl with blue eyes and blonde hair in an old western night gown on my bed . She just sat there looking at me before slowly disappearing . I go and find my sister and her friend still sitting outside and tell them its fine for them to come in . A few days later after this I talk them into going into different rooms of the house and take recordings we started off in my dads room since I got the uneasiest feelings in his room . We all decided to stay silent while we recorded . When we played back the tape we were shocked to hear a man and female fighting and a young girl crying begging her father to stop . We also caught the sounds of things breaking and the sounds of him beating her . It made me feel very sad and then I had a rush of anger toward the man for hurting his wife . I yelled at him to leave them alone and that he was not welcome in my home and that he needed to leave . I then felt hand around my neck choking me I started seeing spots before my eyes and trying to force him off . Well finally after a few seconds he let go . Trying to breathe I ran out of the house and refused to go back in till my dad got home . He didn 't believe us but he told us that a long time ago there was a man that lived there that did beat his wife and daughter to death . I asked him if the girls name was Sarah and he asked me how I knew and if I had been reading on the history of the house . My first experience was when we were still living in our old house . It was late at night and I couldn 't sleep . I put the blanket over my head but it didn 't help , I just felt suffocating . So , I removed the blanket and took a deep breath . Then I turned to my right side and looked at the wall , I turned my gaze to the foot of the wall and I saw the bottom of a white flowing dress - with a foot . The foot raised a bit and started to walk then disappeared . My second experience was in my elementary school restroom . There was this urban legend back then that when you look at the mirror and say " I 'm pretty " , a girl will suddenly appear . When I first heard about it , I thought it was all just a joke ' cause what kind of ghost would appear if you say " I 'm pretty " right ? Anyway , the story went like this . There was once a girl in that restroom , she was very beautiful . Then the janitor saw her and he used that advantage to get her attention . The janitor raped her and then killed her in that restroom . So going back , I told that story to my friends and they said they want to try it . When we were in the restroom , I backed out ' cause I was really scared . I went out of the restroom while my 2 friends stayed and chanted the " I 'm Pretty " . I was already outside when I turned around and I saw the lights flickering , on and off , on and off . I was about to get closer to get them when the door suddenly closed and I saw a bloody girl on the far end of the restroom . I called up my classmates to help me get them . When we returned , the door opened and they got out crying . I didn 't mention it after that and we never dared to even talk about it . My third , fourth and fifth experience was in my bedroom . One was when I was typing , then on my left side I can smell a scent of a candle then I turned to my right , I can 't smell anything then I turned to my left and the smell was there again . The other one was when I was about to sleep one summer night . It was really , really , really hot during that time may it be evening or morning . So I was about to sleep , I closed my eyes and I felt my feet turn ice cold . The rest of my body was in normal temperature but my feet were cold . I got a little scared that time , so I just went to sleep . The next one was when I was sitting on my bed listening to music . My door suddenly opened , I stopped and went to the door slowly . By the time I got to the door , I checked if it wasn 't locked to my surprise . . . my door is locked and before I sat on the bed , I even made sure if my door was really closed . I then closed the door and went back to bed and just closed my eyes . Now that I 'm in College , I can still feel some presence . But not as frequent as before , except that , something happened to me when I was in the restroom ( yes , another restroom ) . I was peeing in the 3rd cubicle . I saw the door moving and there was a slight knock , I looked on the floor to see if there was a shadow ' cause someone might be knocking and from there you can see someone 's shadow if someone 's outside . But there was no shadow and the door was still moving and the knock on the door was even louder like the one knocking was getting mad then I opened it . I opened the door , there was 2 people by the sink ( one is a friend ) and they didn 't hear it . I 'm the only one who heard the knocking . I told my best friend about this and we tested if she can see my shadow on the floor and guess what ? She can see my shadow if she 's inside the cubicle . So , until now . . . I can 't sleep in my bedroom . I can 't sleep at all whenever I 'm in my room because there were strange things happened there as well and whenever I 'm there , I feel like someone 's watching me - my every move , when I sleep , etc . It was a bright evening like about 7 : 30 and me and my 2 friends started a hike . We were hiking up a steep hill when it turned 8 : 00 . We were very tired so we got a 15 minute rest . Then we started our hike again . By the time we got to the top , it was 9 : 00 . It was dark and we had no shelter . We all agreed we would spend the night here . We lay still in the dark and quite night when all of a sudden my friend , Jess , spots a bright dim light coming toward her . She screams ! We all wake up and ask , What ? What happened ? Jess starts breathing heavily and told what happened and also says that there was a big man standing at her feet and saying something to here but she couldn 't really understand what it was that he was saying . We all get scared because we were in the middle of nowhere and now we see a ghost lurking about ? Insane ! Well it wasn 't insane after my other friend saw it at about 3 : 00 in the morning . She said that the same thing Jess said happened to her but this time it was different . She said that when the man was saying something he said , why are you here get out ! I will kill you ! Then that man vanished ! We all got scared and started to hike again . By the time it was almost morning ( 8 : 00 ) we got the the end of the big hill and hurried home to my house house . Me and my friends told my mom what happened and my mom got terrified . My mom had knew who that man was . He was a very bad man that used to go killing people and then he got killed by a man while he was searching the hill that you were hiking on to find this emerald because this man had killed his wife so he killed him in the 1900 's . That man goes searching around every where for his killer so he could kill him . In the far end of the woods stood a haunted mansion peering through the trees . The moon 's light lit up the dark stone walls . The house which towered above me had an unusual sense , a sense that seemed that death grew upon it . It was creepy , so creepy that it made me feel that something was slithering behind me . I was shivering in the misty air , beneath the souls of innocent people . I can feel the wind sweep past my face . The trees were scratching its way down the mysterious , broken , colourless windows . The sight was graved beneath my heart . The screaming haunted my ears . I began to realize how close I was to the place now . It looks filthier than it looked over there ! Many people say that it was once a boarding school , but closed down after a mysterious death of a teacher in one of the toilets . But who knows what really happened to her maybe a ghost of some kind ? I 'm now standing right in front of the door . My heart was pounding , pounding just like a drum being hit on its surface . The air was thick , just like cobwebs hanging in my lungs . The deadly air had a nasty taste ; it tasted like death of innocent people whom suffered this abhorrent disaster . There was a sudden SMASH in the corner of the room . I seem to walk slowly towards it not knowing what lies beneath it . Seeming like a secret door I open it with a nasty smile . Maybe it 's just like those movies that when they open a door in mysterious place that lots of gold come in a small room or maybe a room full of wonderful things ! As quick as a flash the door slammed behind me " BOOM " It said . As I walk around the deserted corridors , I shiver with a spooky feeling . I can see the miserable shine of the sun peering through the trees in the window . The house was as deadly as the fire of hell . I suddenly remember how my mother used to cuddle me when I was cold , but she was no way near me now ! The whispering awoke me from my lovely dream . I felt as if I was stabbed in my heart . The skulls made me feel suspicious that something like that might happen to me . I felt as if I was being watched all the way through the house . I was terrified , and darted to the nearest room I could see ! When I closed the door shut I realized I was on the top floor sitting in a bathroom . I couldn 't breathe properly , as if something was hanging in my lungs . I could ear footsteps coming up the staircase . I could feel my heart thumping in my chest . The footsteps got louder and so did my heart . It seemed as if I was going to faint . The footsteps stopped however I could hear scratching on the door of the bathroom . The sense was more terrifying than ever ! It sounded just like my dad but in a deeper voice , but how , my dad died four years ago . No this can 't be , am I dreaming , this can 't be a dream , certainly it can 't ! I was 19 when my demon first raped me . I was traveling with a show , and I lived in a tent . The first night that it came to me , I thought tha . . . My cousin had brought a Furby a couple of years ago . At first it was an ordinary doll with a bunch of motion sensors . We used to put our fin . . . I am a twelve year old girl who uses the nickname X - ra , and I can summon things from other worlds . Some people can do this , some can not . M . . . I am a teacher . . well , I WAS . . at the age of 23 . I had a group of 10 / 11 year olds in a classroom . It was thundering outside and the rain was . . .

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Standing there , feeling more alone than I have ever felt before , I waited nervously for her to answer the question I had just asked her . Was she in love with my fiancé ? Since she had been expecting my fiancé to answer his phone and not me , I could hear her stuttering on the other end of the phone trying to decide what to say . I really didn 't want to believe that another woman could be in love with him , however , I asked the question again " so you are so in love with my fiancé , huh ? " The first words she uttered were " I don 't know what to say " . I asked her if she was seeing him , which was a stupid question , but I needed to hear the answer . She confirmed what I already knew . She was , in fact , dating the man I had been building my life with for the last 5 years . I asked her if she knew about me . She not only knew about me , she also knew we had a son , or as she referred to him " the baby " , as well as his other kids . I was extremely irritated with how she referred to my son as " the baby " . He wasn 't " the baby " , he was the son I had with my fiancé . He was " our son " . She mentioned to me she knew we lived at home with my mother . My fiancé had given so much knowledge about our life . He gave her power by telling her about us . I was furious to find out that she knew so much about me and our situation . My next question to her was the kiss of death for me . I wanted to know how long they had been seeing each other . All of a sudden , she didn 't want to answer anymore of my questions . She told me I should talk to him , which is the typical response from someone who was afraid to give too much information without checking with him first . I explained to her that I didn 't believe he would be honest and I needed to know the truth . I wasn 't being nasty to her , even though I wanted to lash out in anger . I knew I had to be gentle if I was going to get the information I desired . I said " from one woman to another , please just tell me " . She admitted to seeing him for a year and a half . That 's when I lost all sense of control . I said in a completely sarcastic tone , " you 're such a classy woman " . She asked me if I had suspected him of cheating and I told her of course , that was why I had his phone . What she said next , made my stomach turn , she told me that she was aware of him being arrested . This man had taken time to call her and tell her that he was in jail , as if this was any of her business . Why did she need to know this information ? She wasn 't his family , she was just the wI hung up confident in my decision to end the relationship , however , it would not be the last call I would receive from him that night . The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old .

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Standing there , feeling more alone than I have ever felt before , I waited nervously for her to answer the question I had just asked her . Was she in love with my fiancé ? Since she had been expecting my fiancé to answer his phone and not me , I could hear her stuttering on the other end of the phone trying to decide what to say . I really didn 't want to believe that another woman could be in love with him , however , I asked the question again " so you are so in love with my fiancé , huh ? " The first words she uttered were " I don 't know what to say " . I asked her if she was seeing him , which was a stupid question , but I needed to hear the answer . She confirmed what I already knew . She was , in fact , dating the man I had been building my life with for the last 5 years . I asked her if she knew about me . She not only knew about me , she also knew we had a son , or as she referred to him " the baby " , as well as his other kids . I was extremely irritated with how she referred to my son as " the baby " . He wasn 't " the baby " , he was the son I had with my fiancé . He was " our son " . She mentioned to me she knew we lived at home with my mother . My fiancé had given so much knowledge about our life . He gave her power by telling her about us . I was furious to find out that she knew so much about me and our situation . My next question to her was the kiss of death for me . I wanted to know how long they had been seeing each other . All of a sudden , she didn 't want to answer anymore of my questions . She told me I should talk to him , which is the typical response from someone who was afraid to give too much information without checking with him first . I explained to her that I didn 't believe he would be honest and I needed to know the truth . I wasn 't being nasty to her , even though I wanted to lash out in anger . I knew I had to be gentle if I was going to get the information I desired . I said " from one woman to another , please just tell me " . She admitted to seeing him for a year and a half . That 's when I lost all sense of control . I said in a completely sarcastic tone , " you 're such a classy woman " . She asked me if I had suspected him of cheating and I told her of course , that was why I had his phone . What she said next , made my stomach turn , she told me that she was aware of him being arrested . This man had taken time to call her and tell her that he was in jail , as if this was any of her business . Why did she need to know this information ? She wasn 't his family , she was just the wI hung up confident in my decision to end the relationship , however , it would not be the last call I would receive from him that night . The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old .

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Standing there , feeling more alone than I have ever felt before , I waited nervously for her to answer the question I had just asked her . Was she in love with my fiancé ? Since she had been expecting my fiancé to answer his phone and not me , I could hear her stuttering on the other end of the phone trying to decide what to say . I really didn 't want to believe that another woman could be in love with him , however , I asked the question again " so you are so in love with my fiancé , huh ? " The first words she uttered were " I don 't know what to say " . I asked her if she was seeing him , which was a stupid question , but I needed to hear the answer . She confirmed what I already knew . She was , in fact , dating the man I had been building my life with for the last 5 years . I asked her if she knew about me . She not only knew about me , she also knew we had a son , or as she referred to him " the baby " , as well as his other kids . I was extremely irritated with how she referred to my son as " the baby " . He wasn 't " the baby " , he was the son I had with my fiancé . He was " our son " . She mentioned to me she knew we lived at home with my mother . My fiancé had given so much knowledge about our life . He gave her power by telling her about us . I was furious to find out that she knew so much about me and our situation . My next question to her was the kiss of death for me . I wanted to know how long they had been seeing each other . All of a sudden , she didn 't want to answer anymore of my questions . She told me I should talk to him , which is the typical response from someone who was afraid to give too much information without checking with him first . I explained to her that I didn 't believe he would be honest and I needed to know the truth . I wasn 't being nasty to her , even though I wanted to lash out in anger . I knew I had to be gentle if I was going to get the information I desired . I said " from one woman to another , please just tell me " . She admitted to seeing him for a year and a half . That 's when I lost all sense of control . I said in a completely sarcastic tone , " you 're such a classy woman " . She asked me if I had suspected him of cheating and I told her of course , that was why I had his phone . What she said next , made my stomach turn , she told me that she was aware of him being arrested . This man had taken time to call her and tell her that he was in jail , as if this was any of her business . Why did she need to know this information ? She wasn 't his family , she was just the wI hung up confident in my decision to end the relationship , however , it would not be the last call I would receive from him that night . The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old .

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Standing there , feeling more alone than I have ever felt before , I waited nervously for her to answer the question I had just asked her . Was she in love with my fiancé ? Since she had been expecting my fiancé to answer his phone and not me , I could hear her stuttering on the other end of the phone trying to decide what to say . I really didn 't want to believe that another woman could be in love with him , however , I asked the question again " so you are so in love with my fiancé , huh ? " The first words she uttered were " I don 't know what to say " . I asked her if she was seeing him , which was a stupid question , but I needed to hear the answer . She confirmed what I already knew . She was , in fact , dating the man I had been building my life with for the last 5 years . I asked her if she knew about me . She not only knew about me , she also knew we had a son , or as she referred to him " the baby " , as well as his other kids . I was extremely irritated with how she referred to my son as " the baby " . He wasn 't " the baby " , he was the son I had with my fiancé . He was " our son " . She mentioned to me she knew we lived at home with my mother . My fiancé had given so much knowledge about our life . He gave her power by telling her about us . I was furious to find out that she knew so much about me and our situation . My next question to her was the kiss of death for me . I wanted to know how long they had been seeing each other . All of a sudden , she didn 't want to answer anymore of my questions . She told me I should talk to him , which is the typical response from someone who was afraid to give too much information without checking with him first . I explained to her that I didn 't believe he would be honest and I needed to know the truth . I wasn 't being nasty to her , even though I wanted to lash out in anger . I knew I had to be gentle if I was going to get the information I desired . I said " from one woman to another , please just tell me " . She admitted to seeing him for a year and a half . That 's when I lost all sense of control . I said in a completely sarcastic tone , " you 're such a classy woman " . She asked me if I had suspected him of cheating and I told her of course , that was why I had his phone . What she said next , made my stomach turn , she told me that she was aware of him being arrested . This man had taken time to call her and tell her that he was in jail , as if this was any of her business . Why did she need to know this information ? She wasn 't his family , she was just the wI hung up confident in my decision to end the relationship , however , it would not be the last call I would receive from him that night . The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old .

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Standing there , feeling more alone than I have ever felt before , I waited nervously for her to answer the question I had just asked her . Was she in love with my fiancé ? Since she had been expecting my fiancé to answer his phone and not me , I could hear her stuttering on the other end of the phone trying to decide what to say . I really didn 't want to believe that another woman could be in love with him , however , I asked the question again " so you are so in love with my fiancé , huh ? " The first words she uttered were " I don 't know what to say " . I asked her if she was seeing him , which was a stupid question , but I needed to hear the answer . She confirmed what I already knew . She was , in fact , dating the man I had been building my life with for the last 5 years . I asked her if she knew about me . She not only knew about me , she also knew we had a son , or as she referred to him " the baby " , as well as his other kids . I was extremely irritated with how she referred to my son as " the baby " . He wasn 't " the baby " , he was the son I had with my fiancé . He was " our son " . She mentioned to me she knew we lived at home with my mother . My fiancé had given so much knowledge about our life . He gave her power by telling her about us . I was furious to find out that she knew so much about me and our situation . My next question to her was the kiss of death for me . I wanted to know how long they had been seeing each other . All of a sudden , she didn 't want to answer anymore of my questions . She told me I should talk to him , which is the typical response from someone who was afraid to give too much information without checking with him first . I explained to her that I didn 't believe he would be honest and I needed to know the truth . I wasn 't being nasty to her , even though I wanted to lash out in anger . I knew I had to be gentle if I was going to get the information I desired . I said " from one woman to another , please just tell me " . She admitted to seeing him for a year and a half . That 's when I lost all sense of control . I said in a completely sarcastic tone , " you 're such a classy woman " . She asked me if I had suspected him of cheating and I told her of course , that was why I had his phone . What she said next , made my stomach turn , she told me that she was aware of him being arrested . This man had taken time to call her and tell her that he was in jail , as if this was any of her business . Why did she need to know this information ? She wasn 't his family , she was just the wI hung up confident in my decision to end the relationship , however , it would not be the last call I would receive from him that night . The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old .

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Standing there , feeling more alone than I have ever felt before , I waited nervously for her to answer the question I had just asked her . Was she in love with my fiancé ? Since she had been expecting my fiancé to answer his phone and not me , I could hear her stuttering on the other end of the phone trying to decide what to say . I really didn 't want to believe that another woman could be in love with him , however , I asked the question again " so you are so in love with my fiancé , huh ? " The first words she uttered were " I don 't know what to say " . I asked her if she was seeing him , which was a stupid question , but I needed to hear the answer . She confirmed what I already knew . She was , in fact , dating the man I had been building my life with for the last 5 years . I asked her if she knew about me . She not only knew about me , she also knew we had a son , or as she referred to him " the baby " , as well as his other kids . I was extremely irritated with how she referred to my son as " the baby " . He wasn 't " the baby " , he was the son I had with my fiancé . He was " our son " . She mentioned to me she knew we lived at home with my mother . My fiancé had given so much knowledge about our life . He gave her power by telling her about us . I was furious to find out that she knew so much about me and our situation . My next question to her was the kiss of death for me . I wanted to know how long they had been seeing each other . All of a sudden , she didn 't want to answer anymore of my questions . She told me I should talk to him , which is the typical response from someone who was afraid to give too much information without checking with him first . I explained to her that I didn 't believe he would be honest and I needed to know the truth . I wasn 't being nasty to her , even though I wanted to lash out in anger . I knew I had to be gentle if I was going to get the information I desired . I said " from one woman to another , please just tell me " . She admitted to seeing him for a year and a half . That 's when I lost all sense of control . I said in a completely sarcastic tone , " you 're such a classy woman " . She asked me if I had suspected him of cheating and I told her of course , that was why I had his phone . What she said next , made my stomach turn , she told me that she was aware of him being arrested . This man had taken time to call her and tell her that he was in jail , as if this was any of her business . Why did she need to know this information ? She wasn 't his family , she was just the wI hung up confident in my decision to end the relationship , however , it would not be the last call I would receive from him that night . The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old .

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Standing there , feeling more alone than I have ever felt before , I waited nervously for her to answer the question I had just asked her . Was she in love with my fiancé ? Since she had been expecting my fiancé to answer his phone and not me , I could hear her stuttering on the other end of the phone trying to decide what to say . I really didn 't want to believe that another woman could be in love with him , however , I asked the question again " so you are so in love with my fiancé , huh ? " The first words she uttered were " I don 't know what to say " . I asked her if she was seeing him , which was a stupid question , but I needed to hear the answer . She confirmed what I already knew . She was , in fact , dating the man I had been building my life with for the last 5 years . I asked her if she knew about me . She not only knew about me , she also knew we had a son , or as she referred to him " the baby " , as well as his other kids . I was extremely irritated with how she referred to my son as " the baby " . He wasn 't " the baby " , he was the son I had with my fiancé . He was " our son " . She mentioned to me she knew we lived at home with my mother . My fiancé had given so much knowledge about our life . He gave her power by telling her about us . I was furious to find out that she knew so much about me and our situation . My next question to her was the kiss of death for me . I wanted to know how long they had been seeing each other . All of a sudden , she didn 't want to answer anymore of my questions . She told me I should talk to him , which is the typical response from someone who was afraid to give too much information without checking with him first . I explained to her that I didn 't believe he would be honest and I needed to know the truth . I wasn 't being nasty to her , even though I wanted to lash out in anger . I knew I had to be gentle if I was going to get the information I desired . I said " from one woman to another , please just tell me " . She admitted to seeing him for a year and a half . That 's when I lost all sense of control . I said in a completely sarcastic tone , " you 're such a classy woman " . She asked me if I had suspected him of cheating and I told her of course , that was why I had his phone . What she said next , made my stomach turn , she told me that she was aware of him being arrested . This man had taken time to call her and tell her that he was in jail , as if this was any of her business . Why did she need to know this information ? She wasn 't his family , she was just the wI hung up confident in my decision to end the relationship , however , it would not be the last call I would receive from him that night . The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old .

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Standing there , feeling more alone than I have ever felt before , I waited nervously for her to answer the question I had just asked her . Was she in love with my fiancé ? Since she had been expecting my fiancé to answer his phone and not me , I could hear her stuttering on the other end of the phone trying to decide what to say . I really didn 't want to believe that another woman could be in love with him , however , I asked the question again " so you are so in love with my fiancé , huh ? " The first words she uttered were " I don 't know what to say " . I asked her if she was seeing him , which was a stupid question , but I needed to hear the answer . She confirmed what I already knew . She was , in fact , dating the man I had been building my life with for the last 5 years . I asked her if she knew about me . She not only knew about me , she also knew we had a son , or as she referred to him " the baby " , as well as his other kids . I was extremely irritated with how she referred to my son as " the baby " . He wasn 't " the baby " , he was the son I had with my fiancé . He was " our son " . She mentioned to me she knew we lived at home with my mother . My fiancé had given so much knowledge about our life . He gave her power by telling her about us . I was furious to find out that she knew so much about me and our situation . My next question to her was the kiss of death for me . I wanted to know how long they had been seeing each other . All of a sudden , she didn 't want to answer anymore of my questions . She told me I should talk to him , which is the typical response from someone who was afraid to give too much information without checking with him first . I explained to her that I didn 't believe he would be honest and I needed to know the truth . I wasn 't being nasty to her , even though I wanted to lash out in anger . I knew I had to be gentle if I was going to get the information I desired . I said " from one woman to another , please just tell me " . She admitted to seeing him for a year and a half . That 's when I lost all sense of control . I said in a completely sarcastic tone , " you 're such a classy woman " . She asked me if I had suspected him of cheating and I told her of course , that was why I had his phone . What she said next , made my stomach turn , she told me that she was aware of him being arrested . This man had taken time to call her and tell her that he was in jail , as if this was any of her business . Why did she need to know this information ? She wasn 't his family , she was just the wI hung up confident in my decision to end the relationship , however , it would not be the last call I would receive from him that night . The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old .

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Standing there , feeling more alone than I have ever felt before , I waited nervously for her to answer the question I had just asked her . Was she in love with my fiancé ? Since she had been expecting my fiancé to answer his phone and not me , I could hear her stuttering on the other end of the phone trying to decide what to say . I really didn 't want to believe that another woman could be in love with him , however , I asked the question again " so you are so in love with my fiancé , huh ? " The first words she uttered were " I don 't know what to say " . I asked her if she was seeing him , which was a stupid question , but I needed to hear the answer . She confirmed what I already knew . She was , in fact , dating the man I had been building my life with for the last 5 years . I asked her if she knew about me . She not only knew about me , she also knew we had a son , or as she referred to him " the baby " , as well as his other kids . I was extremely irritated with how she referred to my son as " the baby " . He wasn 't " the baby " , he was the son I had with my fiancé . He was " our son " . She mentioned to me she knew we lived at home with my mother . My fiancé had given so much knowledge about our life . He gave her power by telling her about us . I was furious to find out that she knew so much about me and our situation . My next question to her was the kiss of death for me . I wanted to know how long they had been seeing each other . All of a sudden , she didn 't want to answer anymore of my questions . She told me I should talk to him , which is the typical response from someone who was afraid to give too much information without checking with him first . I explained to her that I didn 't believe he would be honest and I needed to know the truth . I wasn 't being nasty to her , even though I wanted to lash out in anger . I knew I had to be gentle if I was going to get the information I desired . I said " from one woman to another , please just tell me " . She admitted to seeing him for a year and a half . That 's when I lost all sense of control . I said in a completely sarcastic tone , " you 're such a classy woman " . She asked me if I had suspected him of cheating and I told her of course , that was why I had his phone . What she said next , made my stomach turn , she told me that she was aware of him being arrested . This man had taken time to call her and tell her that he was in jail , as if this was any of her business . Why did she need to know this information ? She wasn 't his family , she was just the wI hung up confident in my decision to end the relationship , however , it would not be the last call I would receive from him that night . The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old .

I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Standing there , feeling more alone than I have ever felt before , I waited nervously for her to answer the question I had just asked her . Was she in love with my fiancé ? Since she had been expecting my fiancé to answer his phone and not me , I could hear her stuttering on the other end of the phone trying to decide what to say . I really didn 't want to believe that another woman could be in love with him , however , I asked the question again " so you are so in love with my fiancé , huh ? " The first words she uttered were " I don 't know what to say " . I asked her if she was seeing him , which was a stupid question , but I needed to hear the answer . She confirmed what I already knew . She was , in fact , dating the man I had been building my life with for the last 5 years . I asked her if she knew about me . She not only knew about me , she also knew we had a son , or as she referred to him " the baby " , as well as his other kids . I was extremely irritated with how she referred to my son as " the baby " . He wasn 't " the baby " , he was the son I had with my fiancé . He was " our son " . She mentioned to me she knew we lived at home with my mother . My fiancé had given so much knowledge about our life . He gave her power by telling her about us . I was furious to find out that she knew so much about me and our situation . My next question to her was the kiss of death for me . I wanted to know how long they had been seeing each other . All of a sudden , she didn 't want to answer anymore of my questions . She told me I should talk to him , which is the typical response from someone who was afraid to give too much information without checking with him first . I explained to her that I didn 't believe he would be honest and I needed to know the truth . I wasn 't being nasty to her , even though I wanted to lash out in anger . I knew I had to be gentle if I was going to get the information I desired . I said " from one woman to another , please just tell me " . She admitted to seeing him for a year and a half . That 's when I lost all sense of control . I said in a completely sarcastic tone , " you 're such a classy woman " . She asked me if I had suspected him of cheating and I told her of course , that was why I had his phone . What she said next , made my stomach turn , she told me that she was aware of him being arrested . This man had taken time to call her and tell her that he was in jail , as if this was any of her business . Why did she need to know this information ? She wasn 't his family , she was just the wI hung up confident in my decision to end the relationship , however , it would not be the last call I would receive from him that night . The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old .

I just want to stop and say Thanks to everyone in my life . I really am blessed to have all of you around me . I know sometimes life just keeps moving and we forget to say thank you . So this is my chance , before life gets to busy again . To my husband , Chris . Thank you for not letting me go down the dark hole when I found out about my Mom . I know I need to keep going and be there for you and the girls . Thank you for picking up the slack , when I just don 't feel like it . Thank you for cooking , and doing the laundry . Thank you for being my husband and not giving up on us . I know that the road has been long , but it still is going . Sometimes we need to stop for directions and keep going . I am grateful to God for bringing you into my life . I am grateful that you are the father to my girls . I LOVE YOU ! To my sister , Candi . Thank you for being the oldest ! I wouldn 't be able to shoulder all that you do . I know that you struggle with it sometimes . You are a wonderful example of how people should be . You are loving and caring and give a lot of yourself . Thank you for being a great blue print . I wouldn 't want anyone else for my sister ! I LOVE YOU ! To my friends . I did not know how I was going to go on after the fire . I lost a close friend and without that loss I would not have found all my new friends . Thank you to the friends that have known me for a long time and thank you to the ones that have only known me for a short time . I have learned so much from all of you . If I am having a bad day I can call on you to be a shoulder . You have had us over , brought me caffeine , offered soup , given me booze and so much more than I can list . You have prayed , and continued to , for me and my family in our season of need . For that I will never be able to say thank you enough . I LOVE YOU ALL ! I am thankful for the people that have adopted us as members of their family . I don 't think you will ever know how much we needed you . Thank you for opening your home to us and welcoming us . WE LOVE YOU ! It 's a big deal to me to have each and everyone of you in my life . I feel very special . I think that sometimes I have become a " taker " in life and I am sorry for that . I really want to tell you all how grateful I am for all of you . To my Mom , the most important person , thank you for having me . For giving me food and a home . For giving me , Candi and Doug all that you could . I love you and I am forever grateful for you . You have been the one I talk to about anything and everything . I will take every moment we have together and hold them close to my heart . I will never know how lucky I have been to have you as my Mommy . I LOVE YOU , the most ! Posted by I know the title is shocking . . . These are the words I say more often then I would like to admit . They are directed to my wonderful husband when he can 't find things . He of course LOVES it when I say that to him ! Also his love for me oozes out of him when I tell my friends about it . LOL . I guess I have a little bit of a photographic memory . So when Chris is looking for something I can tell him exactly where it is , what color , what size , and what is around it . So my thoughts are . If I give you that much detail and you still can 't find it , what else should / could I say other than take it off ? My sister has the same problem with her husband . Michael will be looking for something in their really big pantry and will not be able to find what he is looking for . Candi will tell him what shelf it 's on and still nothing . She will get up start walking to the pantry and as soon as she is almost there , he will say " oh I found it ! " I love the men in my life , but it is very frustrating to have this happen . Chris will even tell me that we are out of things that I know are are not . He will not believe me ! This happens the most with toilet paper . He will check the bathroom where I put it and not check the hall closet . Once he looks he will say the same thing , " oh I found it ! " Grrrr . I just told him yesterday that he couldn 't live alone . Maybe the men do this in their way of making us feel needed ? Does your partner do anything like this ? I would really like to know with couples that are the same sex . Is it just a guy thing or do women do this also ? Posted by So many things to look at and so little time to post interested ! I have gotten clothes for my girls , a toy box , gifts for friends , home decor , and kitchen items . I even got a lot of my Christmas list from the garage sale sites . My most favorite item that I got was a Pyrex 1 quart GREEN casserole dish ! ! I LOVE it ! The first time I got to use it , it was for veggies . Second time was for taco meat . It held a pound and a half of it . I have a small kitchen table for four people so space on the table is at a premium . The Pyrex takes up half the space the skillet did . ( Insert happy dance here ! ) I can not wait to see what else I can put in it ! What will be my favorite ? Gosh so many options . . . . My love of Pyrex started many years ago when my sister got married . They got white Pyrex with lids , I can 't remember if it was a wedding gift or something they had just picked up . I always thought that 's what married people do . They have matching dishes , a full set of Tupperware and really nice serving dishes ! ! I know silly but I didn 't have a lot of examples of what marriage looked like or how it was supposed to be . My sister and brother in law became my blue print . They both worked , Michael would cook and they told each other EVERYTHING . When Chris and I would fight , they would help us see each others point of view . I owe a lot of years of marriage to them . Now years later , Candi and I joke that we both marriage each other . She is so much like Chris it really isn 't funny . On the other hand I guess Michael and I are quiet a bit alike . Just last night Christmas Eve Candi said , " I married my sister " . I few minutes later Michael said , " Wait , What ? " LOL , I am so blessed to have them as real life examples of what marriage is . Thank You Candi and Michael . I needed a break . Like everyone that has lost anyone close to you , the holidays are really the hardest . I think that I 'm having a really hard time due to my Mom being in the hospital . She has been in there since June . Well has been to lets see , five different places in that time period . With the bulk of the time being in a place that Avery could not go and see her . My Mom has been doing better then had to be taken back to the hospital twice . She is there now . When she went back into the hospital the first time , it was so hard on me . I thought that she was doing so much better . Then a set back . This whole thing started with an infection in her mouth that traveled into her jaw . She has since had all of her bottom teeth removed , and reminds me so much of my Gram . I miss my Mom . She wasn 't the greatest Mom ever , she did the best she could . In the last few years we have really become close . I miss talking to her on the phone . She would come up and stay with my family and I for the weekend . Avery and her got to be really close . She has missed out on my sister 's birthday , my brother - in - laws birthday . The kids going back to school . Chris 's birthday , my birthday , Her birthday , Thanksgiving , and now Christmas . She is just so young , it breaks my heart to even think that this could be the road to the end . I pray that she gets better . That it 's just going to take a while , but like a lot of things in my life I don 't want to wait . I want it to happen now ! ! I want the Mom that I talked to almost everyday . The one that wouldn 't drive at night , in rain , or snow . The Mom that wore sweatshirts two or three times to big for her body . The one I could see over her head because she was shrinking . I feel like the little kid the morning of Christmas , looking forward to unwrapping my presents . All I want is to have my Mom here with a bow on her head . The only present I want . If you pray , please pray for God 's will to be done . I love you and miss you Mom . Please get better soon . Last year , my Mom and Avery . Best Buddies . Posted by Are you married , been in a long relationship , or just lived with someone that just was picky ? The first couple of years that my husband and I were together , was hard . I think everyone has that thought in your mind about how things are going to be and when it 's not like that . It 's hard to regroup and get on the right track . My thought has always been that we have to make a plan , pretty much for everything . Most important before going to the grocery store , or leave with one of everything ! I was looking forward to cooking for my husband . So when Chris started in with the " I will only eat " speech I was about to lose it . Once I took over going to the grocery store , I would try to save money . That means I would buy the store brand of things and shop at Aldi . Chris did not like that , he was stuck up about the name brands . So I got smart . He would HAVE to have Kraft Mac and Cheese and Kraft American Cheese . I would buy one or two of each and then keep the wrappers . I would buy the store brand mac and cheese , throw away all of the wrappers from that . Then I would put the saved brand name mac and cheese on the counter so he would think that 's what I had made . It kinda worked with switching sliced cheese also , until he noticed that the wraps around the cheese was different . There were times that I would have to buy the name brand stuff again because Chris would recycle the boxes before I could hide them again . This went on for years until I just got sick of the game and gave in . So now I just make sure I have coupons for them or save enough money in other places to buy the cheese . I don 't drink . Well there was a time a couple years ago that every July 4th I would drink . Never enough to get drunk , and I would always stop well before we had to leave . Again , the first time I was in a bar I was 30 . So when I was in one I really didn 't know what to order . My mom would drink Kahlua and cream . My grandfather was a Manhattan , my step father Pabst Blue ribbon beer , yuck . I was familiar with a Bahama mama from Applebee 's and screwdrivers . At a bar I didn 't know what would be cool to order so this is when my thoughts on beer started . I always love watching commercials . That 's my part of the Super Bowl . Even though the last few years haven 't really been good , I still watch them . Years ago Budweiser had the ants and the aardvark ad with the Bee Gee 's song Staying Alive . You know the one and if you are to young to remember , google it ! ! From that moment I knew that if I ever had to buy a beer or order a beer it would be a Bud . I loved those commercials ! ! Then they came out with the frogs ! ! That sealed it . I know that sounds dumb and that 's one of the reasons why I never went into a bar or order a beer to drink . For those of you that know me outside of this blog , know I don 't like raw meat . It 's not my friend . I have had thoughts of going vegan , but then I get my period and NEED a cheeseburger ! ! Yum . Also I think Chris would consider divorcing me if I cut meat out of our diet all together . So because of my love for him I deal with it . I was telling my sister about me cooking a whole chicken and she thought that it was funny and that I should blog about it so here it is . Henry the Chicken was purchased on sale . He was a whole chicken and was not even 5 pounds . A friend of mine cooked her whole chicken in the slow cooker so I figured I could do that also . What I hadn 't counted on was getting him to come out of the plastic he was wrapped in . I had a bowl for him to sit in until I could put him in the slow cooker . I started cutting him out and tried to squeeze him out of the wrapper . I hadn 't realized until he wouldn 't come out that I started cutting at the wrong end . So I tried to cut down one of the seems on the side , all the juices started to come out and there was nothing I could do about it . This was my personal HELL ! ! I had already put a liner in the slow cooker so once he was free I put him in it . I salt and peppered him , turned the cooker on low and walked away . Until my friend that cooked one called and I asked her if she put hers in a bath , water or chicken broth . She used broth . She then had to ruin my day by asking me if I took the " bag " out . I told her that it didn 't say anything about having a bag inside him and that I already tried getting the thongs inside of him and to tell you the truth I didn 't even know what side I should be looking for it anyway ! ! This was my hell , I tell you ! ! She told me that it was in the legs side . She said that I had to spread the legs apart and take the bag out . I told her that was violating the chicken . I think she said something like get over it , the chicken is dead and wouldn 't feel it . Well I hadn 't washed the thongs yet , so I got two sandwich bags and put them on my hands so IKimberly Palo The fire was a big turning point in my life and it 's very hard for me to talk , or write about it without being right back there . So get comfortable because if you haven 't already figured out I have a really good memory and I give a lot of detail . The day of the fire was May 10th 2010 , it was a Monday . The day before just happened to be Mother 's Day , and well Mother 's Day since I became a mommy has really kinda sucked for me , but that 's another story . On Sunday Chris , the girls and I went over to the in - laws then to my sister 's house . My sister and brother - in - law had a swing set in the back of their yard for years and since most of the kids were to old to go on it they were going to take it down . Before that happen we wanted to get a couple of pictures of Avery on it . She wasn 't even one year old yet , so they put the baby swing back on it for her . It was wonderful , remembering all the fun times the kids had playing on the play set . Chris , Whitney , Avery and Me . The next morning was just any other Monday . Chris took Whitney to school and Avery and I just hung out doing the morning routine . Around 10AM Avery and I were listening to New Kids on The Block and having a little dance party . Avery loved to dance with me , but soon she was asleep . I put her down and normally that would be my time to take a shower , make the bed and clean up the kitchen . That day though , Chris 's cousin Heather 's husband Jim ( did you follow that ? * giggle * ) sent me a smack talk for a game on Facebook . So instead of getting into the shower I said , " oh it 's on ! ! it 's on like Donkey Kong ! " Then played the game . I still don 't even know if I beat his score that day . I had gotten up to get something to drink and as I was walking back I caught something out of the corner of my eye . I looked through my balcony door and saw flame coming around the wall that divided my balcony from my neighbors . I kept walking into the living room to grab the phone . I dialed 911 while walking into my room to change out of my pj bottoms and put jeans on while the phone waSo what was saved ? Princess the cat and not much after that . We got a few pieces of furniture in each room , clothes and everything downstairs in the front closet and garage . AND the most important myself . Chris and I were in a good place with our relationship but we had started making compromises with ourselves . We told ourselves that we wouldn 't get new furniture until we bought a house but shortly before Avery was born we bought a new living room set . Then less than a month before the fire we got a new bed for ourselves . I knew the place we were at was to small for us but it was going to take a lot to get me out of there . Well maybe only a fire . . . The place we are now is another apartment but we are paying less rent so in about a year we will be able to get a house . I was forced to deal with a lot of problems with living here also . The people across the hall and above us smoke and that 's what started the fire . So I was faced with my fear of thinking another fire was going to happen . About a year ago my doctor told me that I have PTSD , post traumatic stress disorder . I had heard of it before , so I told him that I wasn 't in the military that I couldn 't have that . He told me that what I had just told him was PTSD and that I needed to talk to someone about my flash backs and fears of another fire happening . Chris and my relationship at this point had been in a rough spot . We had been fighting a lot and I had thoughts of killing myself . We started going to church and with talking to someone , I have really gotten my life on a better path . I do take happy pills and I think that I will be on them for a while . I look at this fire happening as a blessing now . I have a better life , we go to church , Chris and I talk more , I can handle a lot more and I have great friends . From my front door looking up into the apartment . To the right is a closet and out of the picture is the door to the garage . I couldn 't get myself to go in right away , so I took pictures of what I couldn 't see from the front door . The fire alarm that I pulled , that didn 't go off . The view from the top of the stairs . To the left and behind out of the picture is the kitchen and table . You can just see the desk chair . Living room and to the right at the top of the picture you can see light coming in from the balcony door . View from the other side of the living room . Behind me out of the picture , is the bathroom , to the left Whitney 's room and to the right Chris , Avery and my room . All out of the picture . In the picture on the left is the desk chair again . The love seat , balcony door , another closet , Avery 's toybox , the fixture and the stairs . A better picture of the area where the fire came in . The white frame on the left side of the picture is what my balcony door was . The whole door melted and that was what was left . Inside the closet was almost all of my scrap books , tools and suplies . Along with Avery 's highchair . In front and to the bottom right corner was her swing that was a toddler chair also . What the ceiling looked like . Posted by So Tigger was my husbands cat . He didn 't like me at first , Tigger not Chris ; ) He would chase me around and try to bite me . Once Chris and I moved in together Tigger and I had a long talk and came to an understanding . I was here and not leaving and that I would give him love if he stopped trying to bite me . Soon after Tigger was my kitty . We ended up having three cats . About six months after Chris and I moved in together we got Ms . Cleo and then once Whitney was in pre - school , Chris got her Princess . All of the cats loved me . I would play with them , feed them and give them water . I would also have Chris change the litter boxes . There was just something about Tigger and me . He would let me hug him and he would sleep on my head . I took a million and one pictures of him . Tigger sitting , Tigger sleeping , Tigger in the sun , Tigger sitting at the table looking like he is ready for dinner . I 'm sure there was a point that I may have loved him more than Chris . Sorry honey : ) Once Whitney started going to school full time , I got a job . Well I had a few jobs but the last one was at a popular coffee shop that 's known around the world . You know the one I don 't have to say the name . The last store I worked at , it had just been built . We had gotten everyone together so we could met who we were going to be working with . You know the deal , what 's your name , how long have you been working with the company , and tell us something that no one else knows about you . Ooh fun , she said shaking her head NO . Hi , my name is Kim I 've been working with the company for a little over a year and I hate cards . I love to scrap book but I hate cards and I was told by someone that , that 's weird . OK everyone moved on . A few days later I was talking to one of the new managers and I told him that I wish we could go around again and tell something different . He said he felt the same way to , that he would tell me what he would have said if I told him mine . I said sure and he told me that he could from standing kick the top of the door frame . OK now this gAvery and Tigger . 2010 So that 's my Tigger in the shower story . Do you have pets ? What do your pets do that is out of character ? Posted by Do you ever have this problem , you have time to do what ever you want and you can 't figure out what to do ? I just end up watching TV or taking a nap because I don 't know which project that I want to finish . Normally I plan for these kind of days . I make a list of things , and projects that I want to do or finish . I have to thank Pinterest for the list being so long ! I have the problem that once the list is up where I can see it all the time I get depressed because I haven 't had the time to focus on them . I end up taking it down and give myself a little pep talk . " It 's fine , I will make the time soon . Don 't worry I will remember what I want to do when that time comes . " But that day is today and I still can 't remember all the little projects that I wanted to get done . I make this list , look at the list , take list down , then forget the list . . . Can you see me chasing my tail ? Posted by When I was younger the rule was after dinner we could have two cookies . My Gram would have the best cookies . The Archway cookies that were in the shape of windmills , chocolate chip , Kebler anything and of course Oreo 's . She would also have the danish cookies the ones that came in the blue tin . Once those would be gone she would save the tin and we would refill them with the other cookies . Those tins would smell so good . When all the cookies were gone she would wash them and put them downstairs . One afternoon after school , my friend Susan came over . We were watching TV and were hungry and so I got the Oreo cookie tin . Well before I knew it we had ate the rest of them . So instead of cleaning the tin and putting it downstairs and telling my Gram that we ate them . I ran upstairs so fast to hide it under my bed when I heard the garage door open . Everything was fine until after dinner and she went looking for them and wanted to know where they went . I lied like a dog and was sent to my room . Grandpa went downstairs to look for the tin and it wasn 't there . So he told me I better find it . Doug , my brother was told to bring laundry downstairs and guess what I made him bring downstairs with him ? Yup that dirty tin . So when I went to look for it I could find it , but lying doesn 't get you anywhere . They knew , my Gram would NEVER put a tin downstairs without washing it first . So yup , I wasn 't allowed to have friends over for a while after that . So Susan was over after school and we drank a couple of cokes . This was something that was a treat again and we didn 't get to have them all the time . You must be thinking wow this Susan bad influence . . . nope she is awesome . She lived right next door to me , had a plum tree in her yard , had a very cool mom and cute brothers ! ! Oh and a very dandy dogie ! I can 't forget about her sister , she was a year younger . At that time not very fun , but I 'm sure things have changed now . ; ) So again being sneaky had some draw backs if you didn 't follow through and get rid of the evidence ! ! It was a Saturday morning and I was still in bed . My Gram was walking up the stairs and stopped about 4 stairs from the top . She called " George " ( my grandfather ) I had woke up when she started walking up the stairs because I knew it was time to wake up . But my heart stopped when she stopped on the stairs . You see at that very step you can see right under my bed . . . . where the empty coke cans happened to be . : ( So people what I am trying to say is . . . . Just wait until your kids get older and you find out all the stuff you didn 't know about and just have a good laugh . I wish I could be sharing this with both of my Grandparents . They were wonderful and I miss them a lot . I was a very lucky girl to be able to live with them . Posted by I have no idea how old I was when this happened , maybe sixth grade . I was friends with a girl named , Jen . She had come over to my grandparents house and we were just hanging out . We got bored , like most kids our age so we decided to go to Gungler 's . All my friends from Gurnee , IL will remember that place . It was the corner store that had a little bit of everything . You could get your prescriptions there , pay bills , get light bulbs , pick up a last minute gift and of course candy ! ! Well and make up . Both of us were to younger to wear it but it was fun to look at all the different colors . This was around the time that Debbie Gibson 's song Electric Youth as very popular . Gungler 's just happened to have a blue eyeshadow , Electric Blue . It was so cool ! I think Jen and I bought some candy and left the store . That 's when she showed me that she stole some make - up . I was so surprised , but I told her to go back in a get me the electric blue eyeshadow . She did and we left . Once we got back to my house , she went home shortly after that . I started to feel very guilty . So instead of going back to the store to give it back I threw it away without even trying any of it on . Fast forward to a few days later . Every morning my Gram would take a shower and go down and have breakfast . She would come back upstairs and wake us up . While we were getting dressed she would finish getting ready and put her make up on . She had all of her make up in this turquoise silverware tray . It would be in the bathroom until she put it on and then she would put it back in the linen closet . Well this day happened to be no different , I went to the bathroom , there is her tray , but wait there was something new added to it . One electric blue eyeshadow ! ! She must have found it in the trash , noticed that it hadn 't even been used and put it in there . So now everyday I got to see that blue eyeshadow and remember what I did . It wasn 't that it was in there for a couple of months , it was longer . It had to be a couple of years , AND she never did use it ! ! This is why I love you Gram ! ! My sister , brother and myself all lived with my mom 's parents starting the summer before I went into 5th grade . The house that we lived in , is and will always be my dream home . It has four bedrooms , three bathrooms , dining room , living room , family room , eat in kitchen . A big back yard , basement , fireplace and a deck . Two and a half car garage , gosh I could go on . Let 's just say I LOVE that house . I would go into my sister 's room and I would just watch my Grandma iron , for hours . I just liked the smell it made . Sometimes we would talk and sometimes I would just read . Oh and the phone in the kitchen . I would get that phone to stretch all the way down the hall and even up a couple of steps . The Forbidden room was the family room . That was the room that we were not allowed to go in unless it was a holiday or my grandparents had friends over . That was the room that had all the really nice furniture and everything matched . It was by the front door so if anyone rang the door bell this was the room they could see . My Gram would go in there once a week to dust and vacuum . She would leave the vacuum V 's in the carpet . You know what I 'm talking about . I still do it . The forbidden room was at the front of the house on the right side the dining room was at the back on the same side . The kitchen , where the cookies were , was next to the dining room : ) Well I got so good at sneaking around that I knew just were to step so it would go un - noticed . My grandfather would be in the living room and my grandmother would be at the kitchen table . I was able to come down the stairs cross the hall way go into the family room into the dining room . Then into the kitchen to the lazy susan on the right corner and get a couple more Oreo 's . Then sneak back upstairs . All without getting caught . I LOVE THAT HOUSE ! ! What memories to do have of the house you grew up in ? Do you have kids now ? Do you ever wonder what things they will remember from growing up ? Do you ever wonder about the stories you have yet to hear about ? About things that you don 't Kimberly Palo I drive a car that we call the Egg , well because it looks like an egg . Maybe you 've seen it ? It 's a Chevy Aveo , in white . Before my husband and I had made the first car payment I got hit in the parking lot while I was working . I came out to find it dented with blue paint on the drivers side door . I was so upset . Chris , my hubby , was able to get some of the dent out and all the paint off . In turn this started all the egg jokes . Oh you " cracked the egg " Oh I saw something coming out of your car , is that the yoke ? One day a lady and I were walking into U . S Bank . I did the remote lock for the car and she asked me , " Was that a bird ? " Me , " No , it 's my car alarm . . . . " So all the jokes aside , I LOVE my new to me car , that is now paid off for over a year . Posted by This was in 6th or 7th grade , just a couple years ago . . . really ? I had never made them before . I learn how to make things by watching it being made . My friend Sierre and I wanted to have them so how hard could this really be ? We know how to read and follow directions . What we didn 't think about was what tools we should use ! ! To back up a little , we got the butter and the marshmallows in the pan and started melting them . Then once that started burning we started to freak out . We put the rice crispies in anyway and started to stir them , with a spatula . You know the kind that 's plastic and melts ! ! Yup we still ate them ! ! I 'm sure there was more marshmallow then plastic right ? ? I have since learned how to make them and make them about once a month . Oh this is funny . When Chris and I first moved in with each other . I made the treats out of almost every cereal I thought would be good . I don 't think that Chris could look at another treat for years after that . My really good friend Lisa has requested that I blog about the Peanut Butter Fluff dip I make . Now I can not take credit for the recipe because I got it from the Pampered Chef , Kids in the Kitchen cook book years ago . So here it goes . Keep cold or cool . We eat it with apples , strawberries , angel food cake , really anything that would be good with peanut butter . I would say bananas but those are EVIL ! ! Thanks for stopping by ! ! Kim P What I will do is once these stories are done , I will see if people still want more . Or if I even have more to write about . Are you ready for the ride ? Hello , my name is Kim . I am a mommy to two and a wife to one . I live in Wisconsin but my heart will always be in Illinois . I type how I talk , so I 've been told . So if I am in a conversation there are times I will take an off ramp and not signal . I promise that I will try to get back on the road again . I love the color green , apples , Pinterest , and having people to feed . I love my family also , it 's when I don 't like them they should be worried . I like , cooking , shaving my legs , scrap booking , couponing and Facebook . Pretty much in that order also . I believe in God and Jesus . My pastor said that I don 't have to be perfect . So I do swear and sometimes think other men are yummy . * coughChrisO ' Donnellcough * LL Cool J , Mario Lopez . . . . I think it 's because I have dimple envy . I guess I like gay guys also because I was crushed to find out Lance Bass and Dave Holmes are gay . I don 't drink and tend to judge people who do . Let me clarify , a few years ago I did drink a couple of times a year . The first time I was in a bar I was 30 years old . I never liked the feeling of losing control . I 'm square and I am totally ok with that . I 've never smoked or did other drugs and love it when my doctor asks , so I can say No . After seven years of not watching Dora the Explorer . I was able to sing the whole " I 'm a grumpy old troll that lives under the bridge " the first time it came on . As you can see I don 't have a clear direction as to what I want this blog to be about . Sometimes it might be a recipe that I want to try or have tried and love . It might also be about people that do not use their turn signals that drive me crazy . ( Off Ramp Warning ) I follow the law so I have no record . I can get a gun ! I shouldn 't because I have road rage and I would shoot people 's tires if they pissed me off . I might also talk about having 13 and 3 year old daughters . Of having a husband with ADHD , diabetes , high blood pressure , allergic to A LOT , and might possibly be bi - polar . I myself have PTSD and get depressed . My goal is to use this as a Dear Diary and things to work on . Example : Oprah 3 things to be grateful for ; If your going to comment that 's great ! ! Just be nice and don 't hurt my feelings . If I can block you I will . Oh and no swearing , my kids might be reading this . I can swear , freedom of speech and everything . ; )

According to science , there is a very good chance the severity of my ( relatively ) newly - diagnosed ( but not newly begun ) chronic illness can be linked to more than just the genetic material handed down by my father . Back in 2009 , a major medical study was published confirming that childhood trauma creates a 70 % - 100 % increased risk of developing autoimmune disease . That is a huge increase . I 'm a bit late in the game talking about this , though , seeing as how doctors - as a whole - are not talking about this with their patients . I know if any of mine had in the five years I 'd been searching for a cause for my symptoms , maybe they would have taken me more seriously and diagnosed me before my Psoriatic Arthritis went haywire in my body and completely destroyed my spine , soft tissues at several major joints , and led to severe peripheral neuropathy . Maybe if my doctors had asked me what life was like growing up , they would have gotten a clue before then . My father was an alcoholic with a habit of both physical and emotional abuse . One of my earliest memories is sitting down at the dinner table and my father yelling and cursing at all of us ( my mother , my older sister , my older brother , and me ) for some imagined infraction or another . Having no filter between what I was thinking and what came out of my mouth , I said , " Daddy , you 're drunk . " If my mother hadn 't positioned herself between his fists and my tiny ( I was not yet in Kindergarten ) body , I would have gotten much worse than being slammed into a wall . But more horrible than the physical punishment I received was hearing my mother take the beating that was meant for me . I tried to control my mouth better after that . Beyond my father 's physical abuse was the stresses created by my sister 's illness . She was the eldest child , and at 8 years my senior , and 5 years older than my brother , she often acted as our second mother . Yes , we squabbled as any siblings do , but when it all came down to it , we loved her fiercely just as much as we loved our mother . She was the eternal optimist in the family , whispering to us that things would get better , that our father would be leaving again soon on one of his business trips , he would only be home for a little while longer , then things could get back to " normal . " But normal never came . She started finding bruises all over her legs , when she didn 't run into anything that would have caused such a thing . She was tired and run down all the time , too weak to even lift her flute to play - something she used to do for hours on end a day . She was very musically talented . She got sick all the time , couldn 't seem to shake the simplest cold . After months of doctor visits and tests , she got a diagnosis - Leukemia . This was back in the 1980 's , before so many of the standard treatments in use today had been even thought of , much less approved . At the time , we lived in Oklahoma , in a tiny town more than an hour away from Tulsa . Medical care for a type of cancer for which there were few treatment options in that area was non - existent . For months , she was in and out of hospitals , getting blood transfusions , IVs of whatever they could think of to throw at it , but she just kept getting sicker and sicker . She stopped being able to go to high school . She wasn 't able to participate in anything she used to love . At six years old , I had the first discussion where it was acknowledged that she could die . My other mother could die . Thankfully , my sister 's condition galvanized my mother to divorce my father , citing his abuse . Unthankfully , at that time the courts didn 't care about enforcing child support . My father would pack up and move to a new state each time my mother finally tracked down an address and work place for him ( the courts insisted my mother had to do the legwork herself , then report the information to the court ) . He was making six figures a year as a mainframe computer programmer ; he could afford to keep moving as much as he wanted . My mother was working part - time as a mail carrier , around all the hours she had to be available to take my sister to doctor appointments and hospital admissions . We moved to a tiny house that was infested with mice , but it was still much happier for not being around my father . After several months passed with my sister 's health declining , her doctors told my mother that there was nothing else they could do for her . If we wanted her to have a chance to survive , we would have to seek out one of the hospitals doing an experimental treatment called a bone - marrow transplant , where the bone marrow of a donor with a genetic make - up very similar to my sister 's would be implanted in my sister 's bones in the hopes that it would multiply and " fix " the problems causing the Leukemia . She would have to have massive doses of chemotherapy and radiation to basically wipe out her own bone marrow so that the donor 's marrow would have a chance to take over . Yes , this is a standard treatment now , but 30 years ago , it was still very risky and experimental . My sister 's doctors thought this was her only hope . At that time , there were only four hospitals in the U . S . participating in the experiment . My mother had been born in Kentucky , and a university hospital in the state was one of the hospitals participating , so that is where we went . My maternal grandmother and several extended family members , so my mom hoped that they would be able to provide help with taking care of my brother and me while Mom was at the hospital with my sister . It was also discussed that - before we left Oklahoma - we would have to have all immediate family members tested to see if any of our bone marrow compositions were compatible with my sister 's . They would do the sampling ( a simple DNA test that looked for certain markers ) in Tulsa and send them overnight to the hospital for the tests to be run . It was a given that we all would willingly be tested , and my brother and I - although we were both under 10 at the time - were both adamant that we would do anything to help our sister . There was only one family member who was recalcitrant and put up a fuss about being tested , although in public he played SuperDad . My parents were tested first ; neither was a close enough match . They had been warned this may be the case . The closest match usually comes from a full sibling , as we all were a product of the same gene pools . They then proceeded with the second stage , testing me and my brother . When the results came back , it was a good news - bad news type situation . The good news was , one of us was an almost 100 % match - extremely rare in siblings that are not twins . The bad news was , it was me , the baby of the family . I got the feeling that my brother was upset that he couldn 't do something tangible to help my sister . As the middle child , looking back I can see that he got pushed aside and lost in everything a lot during this time and later , when things went all to hell . I wish I had been older , and more able to understand what was happening with him , and how he was being affected by everything . But because I was young and had my own worries and fears to deal with , I didn 't see it as it was happening . Everyone 's focus was on me and my sister , and how to get her well again . We made the decision to move to Kentucky that winter ( 1984 / 1985 ) . Unfortunately , this coincided with one of the coldest , harshest winters in decades . My father went up there first and moved into an RV in a little town just north of Lexington . Because we were trying to save every bit of money we could , and had little ability to do otherwise , we moved in with him - despite his alcoholism and temper . There were five people living in an RV smaller than most bedrooms . Then the record - breaking snowfall came , and my father 's temper became shorter and shorter , eventually leading to yet another incident where my mother had to stand between my father 's fury and her children 's bodies . We went and stayed with my grandmother for several weeks after that , though that situation was not ideal , either . Eventually , we were able to rent a house . My mother secured part - time employment as a mail carrier again , my sister began consultations with the doctors at the hospital , and my brother and I started school - me , second grade , and him , fifth . We were already oddballs because we were starting more than halfway through the year . Add to that a touch of Oklahoma accents , a small town where everyone knows everyone , and an ingrained suspicion of strangers , and you could say our schooling was a bit stressful at first . After extensive testing and consultations , the doctors at the hospital said that they could take my sister as a patient . But there was a problem with our insurance . My dad was USAF retired , so we all had his medical insurance . But since my sister 's treatment was experimental , the insurance company would not cover it . The hospital refused to start any treatment without a down payment of over $ 100 , 000 . My mother was a part - time mail carrier , and my father kept leaving the state to avoid paying child support . We didn 't have that kind of money . But if my sister had any chance of survival , we had to have that treatment . My mother swallowed her pride and went public , asking for permission from local businesses to put up collection cans with my sister 's story and picture on them around town . Then we got the media involved , asking them to cover my sister 's story on the news . Many people were supportive , but we also got a lot of hate mail , people calling in to radio stations and writing letters to the news stations calling us freeloaders . The news stories explained about the insurance and the hospital , but many just didn 't believe it . My brother and I got a lot of crap at school from other kids , too , who were repeating nasty things they overheard their parents say . My brother came home from school several times with signs he had been in scuffles . I had my share of trips to the principal 's office for retaliation against students who had said mean things to me . Finally , we had enough money for treatment to begin . My sister began the early stages of treatment and testing . She was admitted to the hospital for an extended stay - up to a year or more . Mom struggled to be at both the hospital with my sister and at home with me and my brother . Mom had to go on leave from work , and the bills began to pile up . We were faced with eviction from our house , and my father still wouldn 't pay his child support . Over the telephone he told her , " if you marry me again , I 'll pay for everything . If you don 't , you and those little bastards can die for all I care . " Ah , paternal love . Ain 't nothing like it . Backed into a corner , my mother gave in . They remarried , my dad paid all the bills , then took off to take a job in another state , where he continued efforts to raise funds for my sister 's continuing treatment . While there , he put back on his SuperDad mask , pretending to be the concerned , dutiful dad ; in reality , he was anything but . My sister was given a brief reprieve from the hospital , allowed to go out to eat in a restaurant one last time before they would begin the task of suppressing her immune system , making her a prisoner in not only the hospital itself , but her room . She wanted to go somewhere to eat with fresh vegetables and healthy choices . My brother and I both came down with strep - throat , and my mom was afraid of being around my sister and getting her sick . ( If she got sick , her treatment would have to be pushed back further . ) So , my father came to town for the weekend and took her out to eat . Without even considering why she wanted to eat at the particular restaurant , my father said " No . " See , that particular restaurant didn 't serve beer . My dad was such a lousy drunk that he couldn 't wait an hour for a damn drink so his daughter could have a healthy , fresh , last meal before being trapped in a hospital room . Instead , he dragged her to a bar and grill that served greasy , disgusting food and was full of cigarette smoke . It was the last meal my sister ever ate in public . But that isn 't even the worst of it . One of the side effects of my sister 's condition was that her blood wasn 't clotting very well . My father knew this . It was so bad , she was told not to shave because a nick with a razor could be life threatening . My sister dared to try to tell my dad she didn 't want to eat in the bar so he reached over in the car AND PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE . She could bleed to death from the smallest cut , and his need for beer was so great that he risked killing his daughter over a f # cking drink . My mother found out about this after the fact , and tried to press charges , but my father made up some story that my sister tripped and fell on herLife continued on , but everything changed . My sister had to be in the hospital for months before my role as donor could even start . Her immune system and blood cells had to be suppressed down to an almost non - existent level even for the transplant to take place . After a while , we couldn 't visit her unless we suited up in head - to - toe plastic gear to keep us from contaminating her room with any germs brought from outside . I was kept away from the hospital because I had to stay healthy in my role as donor . I had to eat specially calculated diets to try to boost my own immune system , so my bone marrow would be nice and robust for my sister . I was poked and prodded so many times with blood tests that I developed a severe fear of needles . My anxiety about the actual transplant rose higher and higher , triggering the insomnia I had already been battling since I was a baby . Mom took me to see hypnotists , therapists , anything she could think of to lessen my anxiety . But the thought of not donating never crossed my mind . It got into my mind that my sole reason for existing was to save my sister . There was one last test before we could proceed with the transplant . The doctors had to extract a sample of my bone marrow and test it on my sister to see how her body reacted to it . Even though I was only 9 years old at the time , they would harvest a sample with only a local anesthetic . They claimed I wouldn 't be able to feel anything . The day came , and my mother escorted me to the surgery suite . The nurse walked in with a huge syringe that looked like it was designed for elephants , not people . The needle on the end of it made me want to faint . It had a very large bore and was extremely long . It had to be strong and long enough to punch through my hip bone and down into the middle where the bone marrow was produced . They gave me the local anesthetic , waited five minutes , and assumed it would have taken effect . I lay facedown on the gurney , my backside uncovered from below my cheeks to my lower back . The doctor climbed up on the gurney and straddled me so he could get enough leverage to punch through the bone . My mother stood to one side and held my hand . Everyone assumed it was okay to proceed . As the needle came down into the bone , it became apparent to me that a local anesthetic was NOT enough . I screamed and my hand spasmed around my mother 's . I felt the bones in her hand grind together , I gripped it so hard . I almost blacked out from the pain . My mother was whispering , " he almost has it , just hold on . " Then , just as he removed the needle and turned to hand it to a nurse so he could climb down , the unthinkable happened . The nurse bobbled the syringe , and it slipped out of her hands and dropped to the ground . The syringe cracked , and leaked my marrow all over the floor . The doctor said , " Shit , we have to do it again . " Despite the fact that it was obvious the local did not work , the doctor ordered a new syringe , climbed right back up , and did it again on my other hip . I screamed again , the bones in my mother 's hands ground together and this time gave a little pop ! , then I was being forced to sit uLater that night , my mother apologized for my experience , but encouraged me to see it as one more step in getting my sister well . Then she said that , should my sister 's body accept the bone marrow the way expected , at least the actual transplant would be done under complete sedation . I would be asleep during the whole thing . It was little comfort at the time . Soon after that , my mother started watching me with a strange look on her face - despair , resignation , worry , and hope all mixed together . I assumed it was because of my sister 's upcoming transplant and Mom 's worry over how I was handling things . More than a decade later I discovered it was because the doctors had pulled my mother into a meeting to discuss the " medical curiosity " of having two daughters , born 8 years apart , with nearly identical genetic make - ups . Furthermore , my sister and I shared physical characteristics commonly found in identical twins - birthmarks , moles , distinctive tooth placement , etc . , in exactly the same place , just in mirror image on each other . My sister had a beauty mark on her right cheek right on the highest point of the cheekbone ; I had the exact same beauty mark in the exact same place , just on my left cheek on the highest point of the cheekbone . She had a canine tooth that was positioned in front of all her other teeth on the top right hand side of her mouth ; I had the exact same thing on the left side of my mouth . My sister had a small mole on the left side of her nose ; I had the same mole in the same place on the right side of my nose . We both had double nails on our pinky toes . Our face structure and build was markedly similar , except where my sister 's hair was dark , mine was a very light brown . Where her eyes were a deep chocolate brown , mine were very light , changing from blue / green / gray depending on my mood . Although those two last items are not commonly found in twins , it just goes to emphasize how I was the photo - negative of my sister is almost every way . The doctors brought all this up to warn my mother . They told her there was no cause for Leukemia that had been found yet ; they worried that since our genetic make - up was so freakishly similar for non - twin siblings , my mother should watch me in the years to come for signs of developing it . I was nine at the time ; my sister developed her Leukemia at around age 14 . The doctors were concerned that - althoughOf course , I knew none of this . I just thought my mom was starting to doubt if I would be able to save my sister . I thought she doubted if I was strong enough after my reaction to the bone marrow sampling . My doubts grew as the transplant had to be rescheduled several times because I had gotten sick at school ; I had to be 100 % healthy and fever free to be able to donate , or else it could fail . Although I was scared , I was also relieved when the day for the transplant came . I could finally get it over with . My sister had been receiving donations of stuffed animals at the hospital , but she couldn 't have them unless they were sterilized first . The sterilization process often ruined the fur , so she often had the nurses and staff distribute the gifts to the other kids in the children 's wing who didn 't have to go through such drastic measures to receive a gift . She made sure the kids with few visitors and few decorations in their rooms got the biggest , fluffiest ones . She kept one out , though , and had the nurses deliver it to me in my hospital room a floor below her the day I arrived for the transplant . She knew I was terrified and I wanted me to have some comfort . It had to sterilized before it came to me so I didn 't get sick at the last second , but somehow this little stuffed dog survived the process . I named her Ginger . Thirty years later , Ginger still sits in a place of honor on a shelf beside my bed . It was so like my sister to do things like that . She always thought about the kids on her floor and had the nurses tell her how they were doing . She always put herself last , celebrated their successes , mourned their losses . Ginger rolled into surgery with me for the transplant . I was only nine , after all . Even though I was being asked to exhibit adult bravery , I was still a little girl who needed something soft to hug when frightened . After my last experience of having bone marrow extracted , there was much to fear in my mind . I remember the anesthesia mask coming down over my face , being instructed to count backwards from 100 , then darkness . Hours later I woke up feeling as though my hips were being stabbed with a white hot poker . They extracted the bone marrow exactly where the two little dimples are in the lower back right above the butt cheeks . To this day I have round scars in the exact center of each one . That is also where my pain begins and radiates up and down in a burning path when I have been standing or walking to long . I am not convinced this is a coincidence . In addition to the severe pain , I found the doctors had taped and bandaged Ginger in the same way as I was , as though she had also donated bone marrow . While part of me appreciated their attempt to provide comfort for a little girl , another part of me was downright pissed that they put tape on this precious gift my sister took time and consideration from her own sick room to send down to me . I pulled off all the tape and bandages right there in the recovery room , careful not to accidentally remove any of her fur in the process . I had more pain in my pelvis than the doctors had anticipated . The next day , when the doctors were ready to discharge me , I couldn 't stand up , much less walk , because of the pain . It was like the nerves from the transplant site downward were on fire , and it was short - circuiting my body 's ability to transmit the signal to walk . My mother was with my sister , who had endured a much longer and more grueling process than had I . My grandmother was asked to stay at home with my brother , and my father was tasked with picking me up from the hospital . I dreaded what that meant . It was hospital policy that all patients had to be wheeled out , usually by a nurse . My father sweet talked her into letting him roll me down because he didn 't want to " bother " her when he knew she was " so busy . " My father was a charismatic man , able to hide his true self from other people , especially women . I wanted to beg her not to do it , knowing in my heart how he felt about any perceived weakness , but he wouldn 't leave her alone with me for even a second . Helpless , I watched her simper out of the room as she told me how " lucky " I was to have a father like him . The minute she was gone , he started berating me for being a weakling . He wanted to try to make me walk out of the hospital , but he knew he wouldn 't get away with it because of the policy . He picked me up and shoved me roughly in the chair . Then he grabbed the bag with my few toiletries and extra clothes in it and crammed it into my lap . I reached for Ginger , but he held her out of my reach , threatening to rip her head off if I so much as thought about causing " trouble " for him . All too quickly , we were at his car , which he had parked out of direct sight from the main doors . He opened the passenger door , turned to me in the wheelchair and grabbed me roughly by the upper arms and jerked me up to a standing position before I had a chance to brace myself . My vision went dim and I got lightheaded . He pivoted and used one arm to shove me roughly toward the car . I fell into the car more than got in , because I wasn 't quite close enough to get in without having to take a step ; my feet and legs still were not obeying all signals sent by my brain to walk . He left the wheelchair on the sidewalk and got in the driver 's side . I looked down and noticed an open beer can in a koozy in the driver 's side cup holder . Several empties rattled in the back floorboard . Suddenly I was terrified that we wouldn 't make it home in one piece . But like most drunks , my father was damn good at hiding what he was from other people . Even though we passed several police cars on the half hour trip from the hospital to home , we were not pulled over . I wish we had been . When we got home , my father started to yell at me and drag me out of the car . That 's when our neighbor and my mom 's new friend from down the street stepped up to deliver a casserole for dinner . Suddenly , my father was the affable , loving father again . He swooped me up so tenderly into his arms , like he was carrying a precious princess into the house . Of course , the neighbors couldn 't see the way he was digging his hard fingers into my ribcage , or the bruises that lingered there for days afterward . After the neighbors came inside and dropped off the food , my father used my recent experience at the hospital as an excuse to get them to leave . He strode to a bedroom with an attached bath and dumped me roughly on the bed . " Forget about asking for help to use the bathroom , " he snarled . " Suck it up and walk like a normal person , crawl in there , or piss yourself , " he said . He stalked out and slammed the bedroom door . At this point , I was exhausted from the whole experience and was just grateful he left so I could go to sleep . I tucked Ginger in my arms , got as comfortable as I could on the bed and fell asleep . Sometime later I was awakened by someone pulling me roughly to my feet and dropping me on the floor . " It 's dinner time . If you want food , get off your ass and get in the dining room to eat . No one 's buying your act here , " my father thundered at me . My legs still weren 't working properly . I didn 't eat dinner . I laid in the floor until my mother came home from the hospital to take a shower . She found me there and helped me to my room . Thankfully , my father had to leave to go back to the state where he job was . We all were grateful . By this point , I hated him with a white - hot rage . I returned to school , but was still having trouble with walking . My elementary school was three stories , and my classes were on the top floor , except for recess , lunch , and two subjects that were all downstairs . There was a clinic on the top floor where I would lie down on a cot while my classmates trouped up and down the stairs . It took several weeks for me to be able to walk as before without pain and weakness . It was assumed the doctors hit some nerves when doing the transplant , which caused prolonged issues . Despite the transplant , my sister didn 't seem to improve . Her skin took on a dark , jaundiced color . My brother and I went with our mother to visit our sister as often as the doctors would let us . Sometimes , she would be so sick by the time we got there that we wouldn 't be allowed to go in to see her , though . My brother and I would hang out at the nurse 's station or in the children 's play area on those days . I was in advanced classes in school , and somehow it came up that I was interested in computers . We had been learning a lot about programming . The nurses let us " play " on the computers at the nurse 's station , not realizing my brother and I were both advanced enough with computers that we could actually get into the system . I got into patient records and started looking up my sister 's blood work . Remember , I was only 9 , so even though I was advanced for my age , there was a lot in the reports I didn 't understand . But I memorized what it said her white blood cell and red blood cell counts were , because I remembered my mother telling me those numbers could tell us how she was doing . Every night when we left , I dutifully reported the worsening numbers to my mother . It took several times before the nurses caught on to what I was doing and blocked us from using the computers . By then , the damage had already been done . I knew my sister was getting sicker and sicker . My mother didn 't really talk about it with us . She just asked for the numbers , and her face would get pale and grim when we told her . I began to think my bone marrow was killing my sister . With the logic of a child , I reasoned that she took a turn for the worse after she had the transplant . She received my bone marrow . Ergo , my bone marrow must be killing her . I kept this knowledge to myself , though . I was afraid my mom and brother would stop loving me if they , too , figured out that my bone marrow wasn 't good enough and I was killing her with it . I didn 't want them to stop loving me , I didn 't want it to be true , so I said nothing , even as I became more and more convinced I was an evil , terrible person . Not long after one of his visits , my grandmother , brother and I were sitting in our living room , watching TV . Mom had gone to the hospital early that morning to visit my sister . I wasn 't really paying attention to the TV , I was thinking about my sister , and hoping she would get better . Suddenly , I heard her name spoken on the TV . A news bulletin came over the air . " BREAKING NEWS : We have just learned from ______________ hospital that ______ ___________ , who recently underwent an experimental bone marrow transplant to try to cure her Leukemia , died at _______ a . m . this morning . " In an instant , the world went from color to black and white , it splintered into a million different pieces . I felt like I could see the shards spinning and falling into space . Then everything went dark and cold . Fragment - my mother coming in the door weeping . Granny told her what we heard on the news . My mother cursing them for not having the decency to wait until she could tell us herself before a nurse called the TV station to report the news . Fragment - Mom hugging me , telling my brother and me that our sister died because her liver failed . It seems she contracted Hepatitis C from a blood transfusion way back when we lived in Oklahoma . They didn 't used to screen for it . It had been hiding in plain sight for years . But I knew that it was the bone marrow . I had seen the reports . I saw the numbers . I killed her . Fragment - at my sister 's funeral , the rent - a - preacher can 't even say our last name right . He kept going on and on about what a sweet soul she was , bungling our last name in a different way each time he said it . Something in me snapped and I loudly corrected him in the middle of the service . Somehow years have gone by , we 've moved , I 'm in a new school , and I don 't really remember any of it . Apparently , shortly after my sister died , my mother divorced my father - again . Mom , my brother , and I lived in the house that had been bought because it met the requirements needed if my sister ever came home from the hospital . I wake up one morning , and I feel fully present for the first time in years . I 'm almost 12 now . We 've moved again , and I 'm starting middle school . In the divorce agreement , my father pressed for visitation , but since he lives out of state , he only gets us for a few weeks in summer and a week after Christmas . I dread those visits . He treats my brother like crap , calling him names and trying to " toughen " him up . When he 's drunk , he continues to tell me the wrong sister died . I believe him . In fact , I often wonder why I am still alive . I wonder why anyone should care about me - the freak who murdered her sister . When drunk , which was often , my father delighted in rubbing my face in the fact that my bone marrow wasn 't good enough to save her . That there was nothing about me that was good , right , or pure , and that even though I looked an awful lot like my sister , I was just a cheap duplicate that didn 't have an ounce of her worth . He told me all I would ever be good for was shacking up with some man . The best I could hope for was someone would want to f * ck me enough to take me off my family 's hands . Late middle school and early high school was about the time I started having mysterious illnesses . Sharp , stabbing pain in my ribs that made me go white as a sheet and fall down . Pain in my pelvis where the transplant harvest had been when I was a child . Pain shooting up and down my legs . A lethargic , wasting tiredness that doctors tentatively called " mono " even though it kept coming back every few months . Doctors constantly ran tests on my blood because of the family history . The tests always showed elevated inflammation levels , but they could never figure out why . It wasn 't until I was in college that I discovered that the bone marrow transplant had actually WORKED , and my sister would have lived if it weren 't for the HepC . The only reason why I found out was I finally got up the courage to tell my mother what I had been thinking for all those years . She showed me the hospital paperwork that proved it , but until the day he died in 2009 , my father always insisted I was at fault for my sister 's death , and the world would have been better off if I had died and she had lived . How much of all this , I have to wonder , has contributed to now ? I have moderate to severe psoriatic arthritis . Because doctors didn 't take me seriously for years , it was allowed to destroy my body for five years before it was diagnosed . I had to leave my teaching job because the pain and fatigue were too much , and I couldn 't do all the physical things people who aren 't in education ever consider happen in a teacher 's day . When my back hurts , it always starts in two places - a sharp , stabbing pain in my thoracic spine that travels around to the exact spot where I had those sharp chest pains when I was in high school , and in my pelvis , exactly where they harvested for my bone marrow . It 's like I 'm being drilled with a white hot poker right where my scars are . The funny thing about my condition , though . My father had psoriasis . Many people on his side of the family do . However , I am the first one that anyone can remember whose psoriasis evolved into psoriatic arthritis . How much of all this darkness , hatred , and pain from my childhood , how much unaddressed trauma , contributed to my body going haywire on me ? ( Author 's note . Some of my recollections are colored by time , age , and distance from when they happened . I was six years old - I think - when my sister started getting sick . I was nine when she died . I have memory holes and gaps after she died , some spanning a few weeks , one over a year . My other family members may have slightly different recollections - they were , after all , older . While I remember many incidents with crystalline clarity , I also know that the brain can do funny things with memory . However , I feel this account is overall true and accurate as to my father 's behavior , my experiences with medical personnel , and learning about my sister 's death . Some things , however , might be how my brain pieced them together and has remembered them 30 years , exactly , after the fact . ) Previous PostThe Wrong Daughter - Chapter OneNext PostDear Mr . Hartman - A Dream of Community One thought on " My Disability Journey Began Long Before It Started " Susan says : September 10 , 2016 at 3 : 56 am Holy shit , Jenn . When I met you in middle school I had no idea . I just wanted to play the flute as well as you did .

This will be a follow up post from yesterday . After reading " Bethrusso 's " comment my mind went back over all the things we used to do with our milk . And it made me wish there was some way I could have my own little Jersey cow . Since two gallons of milk a day was way more than we could use for just drinking and cereals we had many other things we did with it too . After the milk had been in the refrigerator overnight Mom would carefully skim the cream off the top the next morning and save it and then once a week we would pour several quarts of cream into our butter churn . John and I would take turns cranking the handle , the paddles made a slap - slap noise as they hit the cream . After what seemed like a long time it would change it 's sound to that of a soft slap of whipped cream , that was always a welcome sound that was soon followed with a loud slappity thump as balls of butter formed and hit the paddles . Mom would strain off the buttermilk and save some for Daddy to drink and if she wanted some for baking later in the week she would set some aside for that too . She would then carefully lift out the chunks of butter and place them in a bowl and work it with a wooden spoon squeezing and pressing to get every little drop of buttermilk out of it possible and pour it away . Finally she 'd rinse it in cold water and then work it some more . When she was satisfied that that every drop was squeezed out she would work in salt and then form into patties and place them in a Pyrex butter bowl and place it in the refrigerator . We had several gallon milk souring at all times . Once it had reached the right consistency Mom would set our great big canner on the stove and dump it in and heat it to a certain temperature and then stir in half of a rennet tablet that had been dissolved in a little water . This caused the milk to set to a smooth soft texture . She would keep it at 90 degrees for an hour and then take a long knife and cut into half inch squares and then took her hand and scoop these long strings gently up and then let them baPosted by The Jersey cow that Grandpa 's gave to Mom on her birthday was very sweet natured . We named her Buttercup . Every evening Mom would get the milk pail and announce . " Okay children let 's go milk Buttercup . " We would head for the barn and scoop some grain into the feeding trough while Mom took a rope and headed for the pasture to lead the cow inside . Once she was tied in her pen John or I would stand behind her and hold her tail so she wouldn 't swat Mom 's face while she was milking her . Mom would get a little stool and sit down beside her and say " Easy Jenny " and then start milking . The ping ping of milk hitting the stainless steel pail soon changed to the sound of streams of milk being added to a pail of foamy milk . The cats would be sitting nearby waiting for their daily dish of fresh milk . When we were done Mom would give the cats their milk , and set the pail in a safe spot while she let Buttercup back out to pasture . Then we would head back to the house where she would strain the milk into a gallon jar and set it into the sink with cold water to cool it off before putting it into the refrigerator . Somewhere along the line we stopped calling the cow Buttercup at all and switched to only Jenny . Then one day a neighbor stopped in and said they think they just saw Jenny down the road in someones Alfalfa field , and if she wants to , she can ride with her down to the field and bring her back . Mom looked into the pasture and saw that Jenny was indeed missing , so she fetched her lead rope and then told John and me to be good and take care of David if he wakes up until she gets back . We stood by the window and watched her leave . We were soon bored in the house waiting for her and sat outside on the swing under the cedar trees so we can see when she 's coming home . After what seemed like a long time we saw her coming with Jenny walking slowly behind her . They reached our land and Jenny decided it 's time to head for the barn , and fast . She started off at a gallop with Mom dragging over the ground behind her trying to get the rPosted by I have a curiosity complex . . . . I wonder about things . . . . . but I 'm generally too lazy to follow through until I find the answer , as a matter of fact I deprive much more enjoyment pondering various possible and not so possible answers , that it would be a shame to find the true and boring logical explanations to some of life 's mysteries . I remain baffled why , every time I do the laundry there are always a few socks that are either , widowed , single , or separated . The last time I checked we all had two feet so there must be some other explanation to this . I sometimes have the sneaking suspicion that if I would look in the right place at the right time I would find an assembly of dirty socks gleefully giving each other pointers on how to escape the soapy waters of the washing machine . Why do some people spell the red glop you dunk your french fries into , ketchup and others spell it catsup ? And why does almost everyone like the stuff ? Is it a peer pressure thing that causes people everywhere to use it ? Or is there some obscure violation to admit to not liking it ? You 'd think that with a mother that can 't stand the stuff my children would at least use it with some sense , but they sit there and nearly drown their food in it , and then gulp it down as if it were delicious . Why do you call it a yard or garage sale when you don 't want to sell your yard or garage at all ? Why isn 't it called a used stuff sale or unwanted things sale or something along that line . And don 't even get me started on flea markets . Why is it that every time the house is shining and spotless , the children are all occupied quietly , there are freshly baked cookies in the jar , and you 're dressed in your best , nobody pops in to say " Hi . " And as sure as there is an extra creative mess and everybody is loudly enjoying it , someone is bound to come knocking . It just happened again . We had the dining room strewn with papers and glue , the breakfast dishes piled in the drainer to dry on their own , and to top it all off we were planning to attend a birthday party aroA Joyful Chaos Grandpa Mast 's lived on a large dairy farm along the busy Highway 14 A in Dundee . Their driveway went up a steep grade and ran along side of the highway . It was fun to look down from the buggy and see the cars on the road . We said our good - byes and started down the driveway . At the end we had to stop and wait for traffic . The buggy didn 't have brakes and Mom kept an extra firm grip on the lines so Jim wouldn 't start out in front of a vehicle . A semi passed , showering us with water and Jim eager to get home out of the rain didn 't care for it at all , and started backing . Mom yelled whoa but then a milk truck passed and we got another shower and Jim backed faster . He didn 't really care how or where he was backing , he just wanted out of there . The back wheel bumped over the edge and the buggy tipped precariously John , David , and I were starting to cry Jim backed a little more and we all went over the edge and down on our side right beside the highway . Mom was against the door and we three children landed on top of her . We started howling on the top of our lungs , somehow she convinced to be quiet so as not to scare Jim and get him started kicking . Fortunately for us someone had seen us fall and stopped to help , and soon there were a lot of people there trying to lend a hand , Uncle Eli had realized something seemed amiss and came to see what was going on . He opened the storm front and lifted us out and took us back to the house to Grandma . Jim lay there quietly until they had him unhitched and then stood up and stood there waiting to see what 's next almost as if he was apologizing for the mess he got us into . One afternoon in early fall John and I were playing in the sandbox when the phone rang . Mom came hurrying outside to the the " phone shanty " to answer it . It was Grandpa Mast , they had just witnessed a strange sight . A small covered wagon drawn with oxen , an old fashioned " different " buggy hitched to a big slow horse , a cow and two people that looked as if they had stepped right out of the pages of a " Little House on the Prairie " book had just passed their farm along 14 A and turned up Crawford Road and if we watch we should be able to see them soon . We all sat on the swing under our cedar trees and looked down the road to where Crawford Rd crossed our road . It wasn 't long before a team of oxen appeared with a tall man and his wife and a black dog walking beside them . We could hardly believe our eyes . A covered wagon with a yellow chicken perched on the back , a cow and a horse and buggy that looked different from any buggy we had ever seen . Walking slowly along the road . That evening when Daddy came home we told him all about it . Daddy said he saw smoke that appears as if someone would have a campfire and that they 're probably camping along the road . So right after supper he asked Mom to wrap up some fresh homemade bread and we would all walk over to meet them . They were camped in a field beside the road cooking supper in a cast iron pot they had dangling above the fire . When they saw us coming they came to welcome us and introduced themselves as John and Sue Coffer . They had spent years travelling across America in this fashion and finally decided to settle down somewhere and had just purchased a piece of land that had a lot of timber and also a few meadows but no buildings or a well . They were hoping to build a cabin and dig a well yet before winter . It wasn 't long before the sound of an axe filled the days and their little cabin progressed nicely . After they had moved in the next thing to do was get a well dug . Mr . Coffer did accept help for this as someone needed to be on the ground to pull up full buckets of dirt and then let the empty bucket back down to be filled up again . It took quite a long time but once he struck water it was worth it ! After the garden slowed down a bit Mom starting looking for ways to help earn money . There was a store in our small town of Dundee that said they 'd be happy to buy all the baked goods she could make . And our little kitchen turned into a bakery where Mom would spend hours baking bread , cinnamon rolls , and pecan tarts . The first few days it was exciting to watch as she made all the delicious looking things , but after a while it became tiresome as she made the same things again and again . We would watch for a while but since it had to be perfect to sell , John and I couldn 't help and we soon wandered off to find other things to occupy our time . We enjoyed pretending to play church . I would get my doll all wrapped up in blankets and then we would sit on Mom 's rocking chair and rock just as hard as we could pretending it 's our buggy . After we rocked long enough we would arrive at church and go into our little bedroom and sit in the lower bunk of the bunkbed and sing loud and long trying to imitate the songs we 'd sing in church . After that John would get up and preach for awhile , usually some silly little sermon that ended up with us giggling and laughing . ( which was a part we did not copy from Amish church services where you wouldn 't even think of smiling . ) We did this nearly everyday , and then one day after we had our rocking chair ride to church and got into our room I got the wonderful idea to open the bottom drawer of our dresser and use it for a church bench . We pulled it open and sat in it . Our weight was to much and the whole dresser tipped forward pinning us underneath , sending the kerosene lamp and everything else that had been setting on top crashing to the floor and breaking into pieces . We cried at the top of our lungs and Mom came hurrying in and lifted the dresser off of us . Amazingly we weren 't hurt . Only frightened . She had us sit in the bunkbed while she cleaned up the mess so we wouldn 't step on any broken glass . Once everything was back in order she got us settled at our little table with our coloring boPosted by Having an infant to take care of and a big garden can be a bit overwhelming at times for any young mother . And so after Aunt Susie had gone home , Grandpa Mast would bring Vernie over occasionally to help with the weeding and canning . She was a happy little helper for Mom as she would pull weeds , or break the green beans into pieces for canning , she would wash the canning jars , crank the victoria strainer to make tomato juice and applesauce . Her added help gave Mom a much needed boost . One afternoon we were canning peaches , Mom was peeling them , Vernie was washing the jars in preparation of filling them and John and I were standing on chairs by the table trying to fit the peach halves neatly in jars , when Daddy came home from work . He came into the house and told us to come outside to see what he brought home . We all went and washed our hands and followed him outside to where he had a big friendly black dog tied to a tree . He wanted John and me to pet it but we were terrified , a dog was the last thing on our wish list . Daddy picked me up and carried me over to the dog to show me what a nice dog she was , but I was not impressed and started crying . Being the oldest if I set an example , John always followed , but his voice was a lot heartier than mine , he would practically bellow ! So here John and I were howling away , and Vernie always hated seeing anyone cry so she had to cry too . Daddy looked disappointed that his surprise fell flat . We went back into the house and continued with our canning . Daddy helped with the remaining peaches and then took Vernie home . I got to go with them . After we had dropped Vernie off at Grandpa 's I got to sit in the front seat with Daddy . That was the best place to be in the whole world as far as I was concerned . All the way home Daddy talked about dogs , the fun he used to have playing with his dog when he was a little boy , the benefits of having dogs that like children and how they help protect them , and how happy he is he found a fine dog for us , and that we 'll grow to love her . We named thePosted by A few days after David was born , one of Daddy 's sisters , ( my Aunt Susie ) came all the way from Canada to help with all the work until Mom was able to manage on her own again . As tradition has it in all the older Amish settlements a single girl comes to do all the work while the mother stays in bed for a week to 10 days after her baby is born and then sits and enjoys her newborn and does light handwork etc . until the baby is six weeks old . Aunt Susie was a no nonsense and definitely not fun loving person . She did her work with a vengeance and had neither time nor patience for little children bothering her . It wasn 't long before John and I stayed in the bedroom with Mom and played on the floor in there , rather than risking the disapproval of Aunt Susie . Susie took good care of the garden and the house , and when Mom could finally sit in the living room life seemed a lot better . But there was a strained atmosphere in the house until the day when Daddy and Mom paid and thanked her for helping out and let her go back to Canada . That first evening alone was wonderful . Daddy and Mom laughed and talked like they used to and we were once more , a happy little family with a beautiful baby boy that made the previous six weeks worth living through after all . There are times that I am convinced that I am the happiest girl in the world . I am rich in so many things that money can 't buy . I am blessed with a wonderful husband and three great children and I 'm enjoying everyday . Before you think I 'm all mushy and out of touch with reality I 'll admit there are little things that pop up occasionally that aren 't all sweet and perfect . But for about the first seven years of our marriage I would hear women griping or grumbling about their husband or details in their lives and I would feel guilty at how happy I am and try not to let anyone know how I feel . That has all changed , I still feel sorry for woman who are unhappy and have problems but , no longer will I hide the joy I have at being married , and devoting my life to pleasing my husband and enjoying my children . Sailor 's pup Wags is devoted to his little master . They spend hours together every day and whenever Sailor has to do his schoolwork Wags will be sitting patiently outside the patio doors waiting for him . Here he is watching Rosebud wash windows . Rosebud wants to help with everything . If I 'm cooking or baking she 's right there helping . ( Sunbeam likes to be involved too ) She has mastered a few of the simpler things already and can 't wait to be able to do everything on her own . Here she was helping wash windows , she loves making the rags squeak against the glass and informed me that if she rubs very hard it almost sounds like a whip - poor - will singing . I listened and it really does sound similar . And here Sailor is singing away as he is filling the water tub for the few calves we have right now . It 's too bad you can 't hear him sing . He sings all the while he does his chores . I never realized how much , until one of our neighbors told me that they can tell whenever it 's chore time because they hear Sailor singing . He is Daddy 's right hand man and takes great pride at taking the responsibility of being man of the house on the occasion Daddy can 't be at home . It was still dark outside when Daddy came into our bedroom early one Saturday morning . He gently shook us to wake us up and helped us get dressed . Packed a few clothes in a small suitcase and then hurried us out through the chilly night air to where Jim was patiently standing by the hitching rack hitched to our top buggy . We climbed into the front seat beside Daddy and off we went clip clopping through the night . We were soon at Grandpa Mast 's and Daddy helped us off the buggy and we went up to the house , which didn 't look nearly as inviting in the middle of the night as it did during the day . Daddy knocked on the door and in a few minutes Grandpa and Grandma were standing there . Grandma asked Daddy " How is she ? " and Daddy answered " She 's alright but I need to hurry back . " Grandma nodded as Daddy turned around and knelt down beside us and gave us a hug and told us to be good little children until he comes back and then hurried out into the night again . Grandma made cozy little nests on the living room floor for John and me and went back into bed . We lay there in the dark , the clock was ticking loudly and nothing seemed right . There must be something wrong with Mom , she hadn 't even said good - bye to us . A big choking lump formed in my throat and I wanted to cry more than anything else , but knew I shouldn 't because Daddy had told us to be good . Somehow the night finally came to an end and morning looked a lot better . We helped Vernie set the table for breakfast and then had the whole day to play . And when evening came so did Daddy smiling from ear to ear . We ran to meet him and he gave us a big hug and told us " Mom has a surprise for you at home . " We loved surprises and hurried into the house to get our suitcase while Daddy talked to Grandma . When we got home Daddy took us into their bedroom where Mom was lying in bed and beside her was the cutest little baby boy . Mom smiled at us and said " Say hello to your brother David . " We stroked his hair and admired his tiny hands and feet and then asked the all important question , " Posted by Spoon flour gently into measuring cup and level the top by sliding a knife across to scrape of any excess . Mix flour and Crisco by hand until the crumbs are all uniform in size . Add liquids and stir and mix gingerly by hand . It is quite gloppy and a little freaky at this point but don 't worry in a few moments it turns into soft pie dough that is just begging to be worked with . Let me introduce you to my aunt Vernie . She was and is my most special aunt . She was born a Downs Syndrome child only a year younger than my Mom . She has the sweetest spirit of anyone I have ever met . As a child one of the perks of visiting Grandpa Mast 's was that you could play with Vernie . From the time I was a toddler to about 8 years old , she was my best friend , we would play with our dolls , and spend hours coloring , she would read her story books to us and give us rides on her wagon or swing , we would talk and sing and play any game we knew . But then the day came when I could read by myself , and discovered the books had a story completely different from what Vernie had always read to me , and tables turned a bit as I would read the books to her . She didn 't seem to mind , but somehow the books got laid aside , and we focused on our dolls and coloring books . Time went on , and I no longer played with my dolls . I can still see her so plainly , eagerly coming with her dolls when ever I came , and I would tell her I 'd rather help her color . She would look disappointed , but was still happy to spend time coloring together , and so it kept on . I was growing up and gradually leaving my childhood behind . And she could only stand there and watch me go where she could never join me , for she would always live in childhood . But as one group of nieces and nephews grew up there was always another one and so the the same cycle would repeat itself . There was always things we did together , like wash the dishes and little odd jobs and we always had to sing a few songs . Several years ago I had the chance to once again spend time with her , and had to smile at how thrilled my own children were to play with her . Memories of her are bittersweet , sweet because , well she was sweetness itself but bitter because I could have made life a little nicer for her by not thinking I 'm to big to play with her . I will always love her and have a very special place in my heart that only she can fill . I wish there was a way I could let her know . That first summer was very busy . After the old house was torn down and cleared away they moved our little trailer onto their property to live in until they got a house built . Daddy was always looking for work to add to their meager income , and since they had moved he took any small job he could find , for several weeks he worked at a vineyard , and whenever Wixson 's Honey needed him he would work there , but they still had to struggle to make ends meet . Then one day a big burly logger stopped in and asked if he could split firewood for him . Daddy was happy to do it and so they brought big dump truck loads of firewood and dumped it behind the house and Daddy set to work swinging a big heavy ax . I loved watching him as he worked in a steady rhythm , every blow of the ax split a chunk of wood down the middle then he would split each of the halves yet . Hour after hour he would work , without rest , whistling as chopped wood for $ 4 . 00 an hour , happy to be providing money for his family . After splitting wood all day Daddy would try to clean up around the property in the evenings , he managed to build a fence around the pasture to keep our horse . Up until then we had to stake Jim out to a new patch of grass every day . After several months of splitting wood , the logger offered Daddy the job of working for him in the woods for a much better salary . Daddy accepted , and it wasn 't long before they had saved up enough money to build a little white barn with a green tin roof . . John and I enjoyed playing in it . There was a stall for Jim , a pen for a cow they hoped to buy someday , and another pen for a few pigs . There was room to park our spring wagon , the top buggy , and our little open buggy , and a ladder that led up to the hay loft . We were not allowed to climb up to the loft unless Daddy was with us , but we didn 't mind , there was enough fun to be had in a new clean barn without that . One day we were playing in the barn , when we heard a horse and buggy drive in . When we ran outside to see who it is , we saw Aunt Vernie sitting beside GrandPosted by Growing up in an Amish family , Sunday 's soon became the favorite day of the week . As with all Amish communities , we only had church services every other week which were held at different homes every month . On church Sunday 's we would all get up early and dress in our Sunday best . My favorite outfit was a purple dress and then the usual crisply starched white organdy apron . Daddy would hitch Jim to our top buggy and tie him to the hitching rack while Mom would scurry around clearing away the breakfast dishes and check and re check our faces and ears . After everyone was clean enough for her satisfaction John and I would climb into the back of the buggy . Our buggy had two seats but only one back which was shared by both seats . John and I didn 't enjoy sitting and staring at the the buggy door , so we would turn around and kneel on the seat and look over Daddy and Mom 's shoulders and watch where we were going . After we arrived at church Daddy would stop at the house and Mom and I would go inside and remove our heavy black bonnets and shawls , and then she 'd tip my face up and check it yet again and make sure my covering was tied . We would then go greet the women and girls that were already there and then stood and visited until almost 9 o ' clock when we would all file into the room where services would be held and sit on wooden backless benches . I loved sitting beside Mom and felt very important to hold my hand out to shake hands with the three ministers as the made their way through all the benches shaking hands with the womenfolk . Once they were done they would sit on the chairs that had been placed at the front of the room for them . The bishop would clear his throat and announce . " Since we 're all gathered together we can start singing in the name of our Lord " There would be a general shuffling as everyone reached for their songbook and the song leader would announce which song to sing . He would sing the first syllable , of the first word by himself and then everyone else would join in and help . When the second line was startPosted by We used to start the day off by thoroughly cleaning the whole house . Mom would give dusting cloths to John and me and we would dust everything we could reach . Then we 'd each be given a wet sponge and we 'd help Mom wash the windows , what fun it was seeing who could make their sponge squeak the loudest against the glass . After that Mom would let us sit in Daddy 's recliner and look at picture books while she swept and mopped the floors . That used to be a real treat as it was the only day we were allowed to sit in Daddy 's chair and the books also were saved for that event . Once the floors were dry though the dreaded part came . It was time to do my hair . I had very long hair that were braided and put into a bun and once a week Mom would take them down , wash , and re braid them so they would be fresh and neat for Sunday . We had a tall bar stool that we referred to as the " braiding chair . " Mom would set it in the kitchen and call me and I would hop up on it . She had a shoebox full of special little toys I could play with while she did my hair . She would undo my braids and start brushing my hair . I would try not to cry , but after a week without anything done to them they always had lots of snarls and hurt dreadfully . She would sing funny little songs and tell stories to try to keep my mind off of the pain , but it was never long before I was howling . After the snarls were all out I would lay on the counter while Mom washed my hair and then I had to go through that dreadful brushing again and be braided . After she was done I would hop off the chair , put the box of toys away , and rejoice in the fact that it would be a whole week before I have to go through that again . Now was when the real fun began . It was time to bake pie . John and I would each push a chair beside Mom and watch as she measured the flour and made the pie dough it was fun watching her roll it out and fit it carefully in the pan and then watch her fingers fairly fly around the edge leaving a trail of neat little braids , but the best part of all was when she was done with her pie and she would let me have the remaining dough to roll out . I would carefully roll it out and then cut it into pieces and spread strawberry jam on it . Then Mom would roll them up and bake them for us until they were a nice golden brown . Then we 'd have to wait until they cooled off a little before we could eat them . They were delicious and would almost melt in your mouth . The perfect ending to a Saturday ! The children love them , but somewhere with the passing years I lost my craving for them . They don 't taste quite as good as when I made them as a little girl . And be assured there is no crying when we do hair . Since we do it everyday we don 't have that problem . Posted by Springtime is my favorite time of year here where we live . All the flowering trees , wild flowers , and singing birds , especially the birds . Hearing them always make you feel happy and carefree . One afternoon this week we all went out to our little patch of woods where Sailor has been spending most of his spare time building a cabin and trying his hand at making arrowheads and other non girly things . The Redbud trees put a splash of color in the otherwise drab scenery . We reached Sailor 's cabin and I had to check it all out , he had built a sofa so Mom has something to sit on whenever she comes to visit him . It was actually quite comfortable considering it was made of a pile of wood . Sailor took a few pictures of me sitting there but I won 't be posting those . I really think some things are better , left a mystery . The children had their turn and Sailor 's pup , Wags had to get in on the action too , much to Sunbeam 's consternation . It was a fun day , and we all came back tired and happy . Springtime walks have a way of doing that to a person . What do you enjoy doing on a nice spring day ? The first thing they worked on was getting all the overgrown weeds and brush cleared away and start a garden . What fun it was helping Mom drop the seeds into the long rows . We would carefully step in her tracks in the fresh dirt and proudly plant peas and onions . In the meantime Daddy was starting to tear down the old house . He was tearing the shingles off the roof , and the ladder was just too tempting to a little girl . When Mom wasn 't looking I climbed up to help Daddy . Once I was up on the roof though I was petrified , it was dreadfully far from the ground ! I was sitting there at the edge of the roof when Mom spied me , she called for Daddy and then hurried up the ladder after me . Daddy came over and scooped me up in his strong arms and carried me down , Mom was almost crying which made me feel really bad , I hadn 't meant to scare everyone . I just wanted to help . After that day they would drop us off at Grandpa Masts where we would be well taken care of , and out of harm 's way . Aunt Vernie would read stories to us , push us on the swing , and help us play whatever we wanted too . Aunt Emma would let us lick her cooking spoons and watch her weave rugs , Grandma would let us dry the dishes for her and occasionally we would run out to the harness shop and watch Grandpa work . By evening when Daddy and Mom came to pick us up we were tired out and usually went to sleep tucked into our blanket nest in the back of our slow moving , bouncing spring wagon , listening to our parents soft voices and the clip clop of Jim 's hoofs . It 's a dreary rainy day outside , but indoors the " sun " is shining . With three children there is never a dull moment . At any given moment there is something interesting going on . It wasn 't long before our routine was back to normal , and our evenings would be filled with various projects , puzzles , bedtime stories , singing , and popcorn . Life was good , Daddy and Mom loved and worked and played with us . What more could any child want ? Spring was cautiously trying to peep through , but winter still had a grip on the land . A young married couple looked with great love at the little bundle they had just welcomed into the world . The young dark haired woman glowed with the glow of new motherhood as her handsome blue eyed husband gently cradled their firstborn . A tiny little girl . For now , their joy was complete . They had been married for only a year . Life was good . A beautiful baby . A big successful pig farm . Friends and family all around them . They were part of the tight knit little group of Amish in a small community . They were happy , so happy , it truly seemed like all their dreams had come true . Not long after I was born a tornado went through the area , and my parents lost everything they had . Escaping with only their lives , their baby daughter , and the clothes on their backs . The Amish stepped up and provided them with whatever they needed . But after suffering such a financial loss they sold their land and moved into a little house right next to Grandpa Mast 's big farm house . The few memories I have of living there are only little snippets . My parents lived there for a few years and then moved to New York in the Finger Lakes Region where a new Amish settlement was starting . They moved into a little trailer on a dairy farm where Daddy would milk the cows morning and evening in exchange for rent and then had a day job at Wixson 's Honey where he bottled honey all day long . The honey all came out of the same vat but was bottled as different brand names which of course sold for different prices . ( To this day whenever I buy honey I always buy the cheapest . ) In the evenings while Daddy was in the barn Mom would sit on a chair in the living room and my brother John , who was two years younger than me , and I would stand in front of Mom and she would sing the " Lob Lied " in the long slow chant like we would sing in church , she would encourage us to help by watching her mouth . At the ages of only two and four we were taught our first Amish church song . After Daddy came in we would all sing together , hymns and church songs and then our bedtime song , " Mude ich bin ich geh zur ruh Schliesze meine augen zu Vater lasz die augen dein Uber meine bette sein * Hi , and welcome to my chaotic world . I am a happily married wife , and mother to three children all of whom you 'll get to meet in the days to come . I enjoy cooking , baking , and creating new recipes . I will also be sharing a lot of those in the the future . I enjoy writing and have been fortunate to have some of my work published . I also have a confession to make . . . . . . . . I was born Amish but have chosen a different lifestyle . I will be sharing a lot on that subject . All about growing up Amish . The journey from some of my earliest memories to where I am now . Join me as I chronicle my journey from a happy little Amish girl to where I am today . Still happy , but no longer Amish . The journey starts here

October 25 , 2016October 25 , 2016 · 1 Comment · " Not tall enough . Too tall . Sandals ? Oh boy ! Cuddling with a kitten ? Not manly enough . He doesn 't like cats ? He has no heart . Posing in the mirror in underwear ? What a self - obsessed moron ! Doesn 't do any sport . Can 't relate to that . " " Baseball cap with a straight stiff bill - are you 50 Cent , or what ? I want hair . More on the head , less on the body , please . I 'm not sure if I want kids or not , but he says he doesn 't want any ? No . No - no - no . He HAS to be wanting kids . Eventually . Too old . Too young . Old enough but looks too young . Unattractive . Way too attractive . Looks totally different in all his pictures , which one is the reality ? Is that your ex - girlfriend next to you in that photo ? Cute , but really ? Argh … another photo with his car … and a half - naked picture . OK , let 's not be so harsh on him . There 's nothing wrong about being proud of his body or car , he certainly has worked hard for both . Oh , that 's not your niece but your daughter ? How adorable ! Or not . Come on , girl , give a chance to this guy , he 's just a couple of inches shorter ; you hate high heels anyway . Looking for a " relatively " intelligent woman ? What does that even mean ? Online dating is a weird mess . It 's this " thing " that nobody really believes in , but everybody tries ( only once , of course ) and gets hooked on because we all like compliments , even if they come from complete strangers or people we would never even notice in real life . And you also hear these stories how your friends ' friends met online and got married . So , how dare you not give it a chance , right ? For me , it all started with a research I was doing for a screenplay I 'm working on . ( See how we even lie about it ? ) And also out of boredom . I like meeting new people , and the Internet offers the opportunity to get to know thousands of interesting strangers from all walks of life on a silver platter . I went on a couple of dates , and even though I never got into anything serious , I almost always had a good time ( or at least , an experience that makes a good story ) and made some new friends . ( By the way , the research part is true . I 'm writing a screenplay about a liberal , free - spirited grandma and wanted to see what 's out there for people at this age . Too bad , you can 't sneak around on the page without people knowing that you visited their profiles . Imagine how surprised - or flattered - the eighty - year - old grandpas were when they saw that I checked them out . ) One time , I went on a date with a guy in London . He took me to a really nice bar I 've never been to . He was kind but also funny and laid - back ; we got along really well , and I could almost see us as a couple already . Until we sat down and he moved closer to me . His breath stank like sewage , rotten eggs , and garlic all at once . And that was it . I couldn 't deal with it . We spent hours together ( me keeping a safe distance from his mouth ) ; laughed and talked , but I couldn 't stop thinking about how much I didn 't want to kiss him . End of story . There was a positive outcome , though . A week after this less than ideal rendezvous , I took a girlfriend of mine to the exact same bar to celebrate her promotion . While I was waiting for our drinks , a guy with a cute smile approached me and we hit it off right away . ( After I ran a quick , secret smell - check on his breath , of course . ) We spent the whole night talking and walking around the city and had our first real date the very next day , and it was one of the best first dates I 've ever been to . October 7 , 2016 · 1 Comment · I 'm in Los Angeles right now and am staying in Venice , which is the part of town where skateboarders , artists , fortune - tellers , and hippies like to hang out . As I was strolling down the Venice Beach Boardwalk , trying to avoid eye contact with the dozens of homeless people and hipsters , memories rushed through my brain . There was one I recalled particularly detailed . One that burned itself into my mind forever , one that I don 't like remembering . It happened a few years ago when I first visited the City of Angels . I found myself in a disturbing situation , but thanks to my intuition , I got out of it . You might not believe in " sixth sense , " but I 'm sure you all know what it 's like to encounter someone that gives you the feeling that something is " off " and you just want to get away from that person . The one that makes you uncomfortable purely by his presence . I didn 't know the city at all that time , and just like in every place I ever visited , I was going to use public transportation to get around . My American friends thought I 'd lost my mind when I told them about this plan . They weren 't even sure if a public transportation system existed in LA . Americans drive here , but there are many subway and bus lines all over the city and they are safe to use . Except when they are not . I stayed in a hostel in a somewhat dodgy neighborhood and the nearest subway station was a fifteen - minute drive away . Thanks to the generosity of the staff , this wasn 't an issue as they offered a free lift from the station whenever you needed . You just had to call them and wait for the pick - up . I must say , though , you didn 't want to hang around by yourself too long in that neighborhood . It was right next to a highway and there was nothing around . No shops , no bars , no restaurants , no public phones , no gas stations , and no people . And not much street lighting . I took the subway from Downtown LA . I was standing on the platform , waiting for the train , and minding my own business when I saw a creepy guy hovering around and glancing at me from time to time . He shuffled closer and closer , and his occasional looks became constant stares , which made me nervous . I couldn 't tell why , but I didn 't like the guy . He was giving off this unsettling vibe , and somehow I knew he was going to try to talk to me and was already thinking of ways of how to get out of an unwanted conversation . Surprise , surprise , a moment later , he stood right next to me and asked me where I was heading to . My inner alarm went off , but I didn 't want to seem nervous , so I told him I was going south . ( Which he already knew based on the side of platform I was standing on . ) The train came and we both got on . I sat down sideways , facing the window to minimize the chance of having to look at him , but this didn 't make it more difficult for him . He moved to the closest seat that was looking into my direction and started staring at me . I could see him out of the corner of my eye and I could feel his gaze on me . He wasn 't looking away for a second . After a few minutes , I felt so uneasy that I had to move . I didn 't want to be too conspicuous , so I lingered around for a while and pretended that I preferred standing , but then moved over to a seat farther away from him . I could still see him , which meant that he could see me too , and I felt his eyes on me again . By then , I was sure that he was up to something . Something that couldn 't be good . I could feel it . I started to panic . I knew that he was going to get off at the same stop as me , and I didn 't even want to imagine what could happen once we were alone in that godforsaken neighborhood . I didn 't know what to do , but it was indubitable that I couldn 't let him get off at the same station because my inner alarm was screaming inside me . I felt sick . We were only two stops away from my destination , so I needed to come up with something rather quickly . As the train was slowing down to approach the next station , I jumped up and made my way to the door . I kept an eye on the guy , who raised from his seat , too , and moved to the door closest to him while still staring at me . The train stopped and the doors opened . I hopped off and stayed so close to the metro car that my left shoulder was rubbing onto the dirty metal surface . Other passengers were moaning because I was in their way , but I didn 't care . The moment I heard the " Stand clear of the closing doors , please ! " announcement , I jumped back on , clutching onto my backpack , which almost got smashed by the closing doors . My heart was pounding like it wanted to burst out of my chest . I was trying to calm down and looked through the door window . The guy stood right in front of me , staring into my face . His eyes flared , incandescent with rage , and I breathed a sigh of relief as we were moving along and his face was fading away into the distance . September 30 , 2016October 2 , 2016 · 2 Comments · I 'm reading a book from Richard Branson the founder of Virgin Group . You know , the record label , the airline , the mobile network , the trains , and the first company that will take tourists to space . The book is about his approach to life and business , and to say that he 's been living an extraordinary life would be an understatement . The guy is crazy - in a good sense , and reading his stories , I realized I share certain character traits with him . ( Let 's hope this means that I 'll become a billionaire , too . ) He got friendly with the principal 's daughter and spent the night with her . When he was returning to his room at dawn , the door was closed , so he had to climb through his window to get in . He got caught and had to report to the principal , who asked him why he was climbing through the window . So he told him as it was , that he was coming back from his daughter 's room . He got expelled straight away . Fearing that his parents would be upset with him , he quickly jotted down a fake suicide note , gave it to the most gossipy person of the school and told him not to open it until a day later . His plan panned out exactly the way he wanted , and of course , when his parents arrived to pick him up , instead of reprimanding him , they were exceptionally nice to him . This caused me trouble as I had a curfew and if I missed the bus , I was definitely not going to make it home on time and my mother would be utterly upset about it and would lecture me for days . I was late already on three occasions that week , and guess what , I missed my bus for the fourth time . I felt really bad . Not so much for my mom , who I knew would be worried about me , but for myself , knowing that she 'd be angry with me and I had to face her . I didn 't think I could take another fight , so I decided that dishonesty was the way to go . I figured that if I pretended to be sick , my mom wouldn 't start an argument . But I " had to be " really sick . So sick that she wouldn 't call an ambulance , but so sick that her motherly caring feelings would overtake her motherly nagging feelings . It couldn 't be a simple " Oh , mommy , my belly hurts . " sort of thing , it had to be something more grandiose . And it had to be believable . So , I got on the bus , collapsed onto a seat , and curled up in fetal position . I closed my eyes halfway and tried to make a miserable face . I was trying to go for the effect when someone is in excruciating pain and suffering in silence . I must have been authentic as people around me started staring . ( It 's strange how they always look but never say anything . ) As my stop was approaching , I gathered all my energy ( at least , that 's what it must have looked like from the outside ) and pushed myself up from my seat . I shuffled across to a guy sitting by the window and told him that I wasn 't feeling well and I didn 't think I could make it home without help . He stared at me like I was from another planet , but I didn 't let him off the hook . I asked him whether he could get off the bus with me and walk me home . I could tell from his facial expression that he was cursing the moment he opted for the bus instead of a cab , but I kept insisting and grimaced as if I was in a lot of pain , so he surrendered in the end . ( I was a fourteen - year - old harmless girl after all . ) I made him walk me to the door of our apartment . We lived on the eighth floor . And I made sure that he stayed with me until my mother came out . I needed a stranger 's reassurance for her that I was being unwell . The guy squirmed , and I almost felt sorry for him but I couldn 't ruin the stunt by showing empathy for him . Not when I was so close to succeeding . Mom grabbed my arm , nodded a thank you to the guy , and took me into the living room . I kept my eyes halfway closed and by then , I mastered the facial expression , so my poor mother had no idea what to do with me . Fully clothed , she helped me on top of the bed where I placed myself in the fetal position again ( thinking that it suggested vulnerability ) and started to breathe heavily . I also shivered a little , just to make sure . My mom said I was pale as a ghost . ( I don 't know how that happened , but I didn 't argue . ) And then she asked me whether I was on drugs . Boom ! I was devastated that she would even consider something like that . I 'd always been a good girl . No drinking , no smoking , no drugs . " WTF , mother ? " I told her that , of course , I didn 't take any drugs , but she kept saying the whole night , " You know you can tell me everything , don 't you ? Even if you took drugs … " I almost broke and told her the truth . But then I didn 't . I just went to sleep and woke up healthy next morning . Sixteen years later , I took Mom out for dinner and confessed . I told her the whole story and said that I owed her an apology . She didn 't believe me . She knows me and she knows that I never touched any drugs in my entire life , but she still thinks that on that particular night , I slipped and I 'm too ashamed to admit it . September 27 , 2016October 29 , 2016 · 1 Comment · It was the summer of 2006 . Low - cost airlines in Europe have just become known in wider circles , so you could still get dirt - cheap tickets . My boyfriend , Greg and I decided to go on a spontaneous trip - eight destinations in four weeks for about three hundred dollars . Not a bad deal , huh ? We were to fly from Porto to Madrid , except we missed our plane . Not only were we penniless students , but this also happened right after I 'd been robbed in Barcelona - our first destination on the trip . We couldn 't afford an extra flight ticket , nor could we have paid for a hostel room , so we stayed at the airport . For four nights . We searched for an abandoned spot , laid out our sleeping bags on the floor , and so our " semi - homeless " life began . I must say the place was perfect . Clean , in a far corner that not many could see , and in close proximity to restrooms . No one bothered us , and the only thing that caused some inconvenience , at first , was hygiene . However , by day 4 , I felt no shame in locking myself in the disabled toilet , getting naked , and washing myself like I had been doing this my entire life . When we finally continued our journey , I almost started to miss our airport home . Instead of flying , we decided to take a bus that was supposed to take us to a small town by the Spanish border , and we thought we would hitchhike from there . When we bought our tickets , we were asked us if we wanted to get off at the last stop or the one before . Not sure why , but there was a big difference in price , so logically , we went for the cheaper option . The crew was pretty laid - back , and nobody cared what was going on , which led us both to the same idea . As we were approaching our stop , Greg and I shared a terrified look , and instead of gathering our stuff , we remained seated . We didn 't say a word , but we both knew that we had been toying with the same idea . The bus pulled into the stop , a couple of passengers got off , and two minutes later , we hit the road again . We grinned at each other filled with pride but felt a little guilty . Cheating wasn 't our style . ( Well , not before . ) Our logic suggested that the town at the end destination would be bigger than the one we bought our ticket for , and so it 'd be easier to find a cheap bus to Madrid or hitchhike . Huge mistake . We ended up in a village with no proper infrastructure and no English - speaking souls . There was ONE sixteen - year - old girl , who could understand some English , and she translated everything for the whole community . Because of course , everyone got curious when they heard about the two crazy foreigners without any money and Portuguese language skills , who wanted to hitchhike to Spain . And what was their reaction ? They simply laughed in our face . They shook their head in disbelief and kept repeating that nobody would ever pick us up . Since the next bus to Madrid was going to leave in two days only , we didn 't have much of a choice but give it a shot anyway , hoping that someone would eventually pity us . To increase the odds , Greg and I split and stood at different intersections . Sadly , the village people seemed to have been right : all we got was a lot of honking , smiles , and raised thumbs . Some drivers pulled over just to tell us how crazy we were and have a giggle , then wished us good luck and drove away . As time went by , our initial enthusiasm had waned a little , but we didn 't give up . The clock almost struck 11 pm , and I started to get grouchy when I saw Greg running towards me . " Come on , a Spanish guy takes us , " he said , grinning . When we jumped into his car , he didn 't even bother to say hi to me or even look at me , but he was all over Greg , so I thought he was gay . I didn 't speak Spanish or any other Roman languages , whereas Greg was fluent in Italian , so everything was in his hands . He sat in the front seat , I stayed in the back . Half an hour in , and the guy started yawning and said he needed a coffee , so we stopped at a restaurant . We walked in , and without saying a word , he grabbed my shoulders , pulled me to his chest , and squeezed me like we were best friends that hadn 't seen each other for a long time . I was a little shocked but not as much as when he , a second later , kissed me on both cheeks - leaving a trickle of saliva on my face - and cheerfully screamed into my ear how lovely it was meeting me . Awkward . It was past midnight and pitch black outside when we finally got back into the car . We were driving on a highway in the middle of nowhere , and I didn 't have the slightest idea how far we could be from Madrid or even the Spanish border . Out of the blue , a police car appeared and signaled us to pull over . Two cops walked over to us ; they wanted the guy and Greg out of the car and instructed me to stay inside . Strange . They talked so loud , it almost sounded like screaming , but I didn 't understand a word . They were patting them down , looking for drugs . WTF ? ( Before you asked , we didn 't have any . ) One of the police officers was speaking to Greg , glancing at me from time to time . Even though I didn 't speak the language , I could sense that he was worried . A few minutes later , they let us go , and we disappeared into the night again . Greg told me later that the cops said to him we were idiots to have gotten into a stranger 's car . Not a good sign . I accidentally looked into the front mirror and , to my surprise , I found myself gazing in the eyes of our driver . I turned away and started to wonder whether this meant that he was watching me instead of the traffic . Then I remembered one of my teachers in 6th grade mentioning in Physics class , " If you can see someone in a mirror , that person can see you too . " This memory and the recognition made me uneasy . A moment later , I felt hands on my legs . Hands that seemed to be searching for something . There was a water bottle lying next to me on the floor , so I thought he was thirsty and handed him the bottle . He took a swig and placed the flask back , " accidentally " bumping into my legs with his hands . Five minutes later , the same scenario happened ; except that this time , he was staring at me in the mirror while " looking for the water . " I was still in naïve mode ( not even a little bit suspicious ! ) and gave him the bottle again . He drank . For the third time , he didn 't even try to pretend , he simply grabbed my legs and started stroking them . The penny had finally dropped . I froze for a moment , but then my brain finally decided to cooperate - I pushed his hand away . He didn 't give up that easily , though . He touched me again , which I rewarded with a hard kick into his hand and giving him the meanest look ever in the mirror . At this point , I switched to a " semi - panic " mode . I didn 't know what to do . It was 1 am ; we were still on a highway in the middle of nowhere , and the guy was twice as big as Greg . My brain was working hard , " Should I tell Greg what 's happening ? And then ? What could he do ? What could we do here in the middle of nowhere ? " So I decided to keep it together and deal with the situation by myself and tried to be as firm as possible . In the meantime , the weirdo kept talking to Greg , and I could figure out that he was trying to convince him that we spent the night at his place . I leaned forward to whisper into Greg 's ear that under no circumstances I was willing to stay in the dude 's house . Luckily , he wasn 't going to consider that option either . I spent the rest of the ride chanting a mantra : " Please drop us off at the train station , please drop us off at the train station . " It worked . The guy lived in Avila , which is about fifty miles away from Madrid , and around 3 am , he finally pulled over at the local train station to drop us off . He made a last attempt to persuade us to stay with him , pointing out that the train station wouldn 't be open until 5 am , which was true , but we insisted that we would be fine , so he finally left us alone . The moment his car lights disappeared in the darkness , my shaking body collapsed into Greg 's arms , and I told him everything that had happened . He had no idea . He hugged me tight until I calmed down . September 23 , 2016September 23 , 2016 · 2 Comments · An awful , awful thing . I hate it . You can 't get used to it , and it never gets easier . Saying goodbye . The word in itself doesn 't make any sense ; how can a " bye " be good ? Especially in situations when you are almost certain that you won 't see each other ever again . It 's strange how sorrow can manifest in physical pain . Every time I have to say goodbye to someone , it feels as if a small piece of my heart would crumble and dissolve in my blood stream , carrying the bitter memory of all the goodbyes of past years . When I close my eyes and concentrate on the inside , I can still feel it in my body . I think the tears are there to make sure that the heart doesn 't break into two halves , but even so , a part of me dies every time I have to say goodbye . And why is it that a third party always appears at the worst time and interrupts the most emotional and intimate moment ? And all of a sudden , you start feeling awkward , so that last kiss , that last hug , that last stroke on the arm never happens . There 's just a smile and a look . A smile , into which you try to put all the unraised questions , ungiven advice , untold stories ; all the joyful moments you want to remember ; all the lies you want to tell about seeing each other again ; and all the pain you feel by leaving someone behind or having to let someone go . A smile that is powerless and a little forced but , at the same time , real and makes the other person smile back the same way . And that picture burns into your heart forever . And when you miss someone , you dig out that faded picture from the deepness of your heart , and the smile becomes sharper and sharper - the one in front of your eyes and the one on your face . September 20 , 2016October 23 , 2016 · 1 Comment · Have you ever had the experience that you weren 't quite sure what was wrong but felt that something was " off " and you were not being yourself ? It 's been a while since I was myself . I 've felt somehow disconnected lately . Disconnected with my inner self . I headed to a nearby park and found a lonely bench by a pond , looking over the meadow . Pure perfection . I was sitting there for hours , staring into the distance , doing nothing , just listening to my inner voice , and letting my thoughts chase each other in my head . I felt happy . I always thought of happiness as a momentary thing . You can have an infinite number of moments and they can follow one another rapidly , but they will always last only for a short period of time . Like an impulse or flash . Today I 've found something I didn 't have for a long time . My inner peace . The harmony inside of me , and for that , I 'm grateful . And I know that everything will fall into place in the end . It always does . It just takes longer sometimes . And to realize this , all I needed was a bit of sunshine , a light breeze carrying the scent of flowering trees , chirping birds , a lonely bench , and a cup of tea . Or let 's just call it spring . When not only does nature revive , but also believed to be dead souls do . September 20 , 2016September 20 , 2016 · 7 Comments · When I started traveling by myself as a young girl , my parents used to freak out and I would always tell them that they shouldn 't be worried as I was cautious and taking care of myself . And this is how it was . I always made sure I stayed out of trouble , and I thought I was clever enough to make the right decisions to keep myself safe during my travels . And I was always proud that I never had a problem to stand up for myself and get out of situations I felt uncomfortable with . I also believed that I could never be so dippy as some of those solo travelers you hear about that get into strangers ' cars and disappear without a trace . Well … I 'm sure that - at least once in your lifetime - you found yourself in a situation you didn 't mean to end up in and kept mumbling , " I will never do this again , just please , get me out of this without any harm … " Situations where your mind betrayed you and your time - tested tactics failed . I 've made my own experience , too , and I was so embarrassed by my own stupidity that until this very day , there 's only one person I shared this story with . I never told this to my parents as they would have been worried sick every time I had gone on another trip and I didn 't want them to know how I failed to use my brain I was so proud of having . I haven 't told my friends either because I felt ashamed and even today , just talking about this makes me cringe . I was backpacking through Australia and trying to find the cheapest possible way to head down from Cairns to Sydney . I also wanted my trip to be " hip " and a once - in - a - lifetime experience , so I didn 't even consider taking the Greyhound bus or any other hop - on - hop - off versions of it . My driver 's license was almost brand new , so renting a car sounded adventurous enough , but after doing the math , I had to face the sad truth of being absolutely broke . So I figured I would share the ride with a few other penniless people . I did what all young travelers would have done at that time : I went on Gumtree ( the Australian Craigslist ) and scanned the ads for a rideshare . Within a few minutes , I found the perfect match : two twenty - something Aussie guys were heading down to Melbourne in their own SUV and were looking for one more person to join in . I emailed them straight away and got a response shortly after . We agreed to meet in a nearby cafe to see if we would get along and to discuss details . I arrived at the cafe and as I looked around , my eyes met an older guy 's , who had the brightest smile on his face . I smiled back but kept searching for the two dudes when I heard somebody calling my name from the direction where the old guy was sitting . I turned my head back and saw him rising from his seat and making a step towards me with an even broader smile on . " It 's Pete , " he held out his hand to me , " the guy with the SUV , " and when I still looked at him perplexed , " heading down the coast … we emailed yesterday , " he added . I shook his hand and I almost heard my brain ticking , trying to understand what happened there . This should have been the moment where my gut feeling should have told me to leave . Except it didn 't . Until today , I fail to understand why , but I sat down with him to have a tea . It might have been his warm smile or his soothing voice , I don 't know . He just seemed so friendly . And harmless . But that didn 't stop me from asking the obvious : " So , Pete , what was this story about two twenty - six - year - old guys looking for a third person to share the fuel cost with ? " He cast his eyes down and , I swear , he even blushed a little . " I 'm sorry I lied , but I was desperate . I 'm fifty - two . No one wants to travel with an old guy like me , and I really could use some company . It 's a long drive , you know . " Melbourne was almost two thousand miles away , I couldn 't deny that , and all of a sudden , I felt sympathetic . Silly Sandra . We chatted for a good hour and he was keen on giving me tips . He grew up in Cairns , so he knew the place and the surrounding area in and out . When I shared my travel plans with him and mentioned that I wanted to go on an organized tour in a rainforest , his face lit up with excitement and he told me about a trip he had just done in one of the jungles " right out of town . " I must admit , I enjoyed his stories and appreciated the insider tips he shared with me . So , even though I decided not to join him on the road to Melbourne , he was so kind and enthusiastic that I let him talk me into a mini - trip around Cairns . He offered to drive me around and show me a few " hidden gems in the neighborhood . " Ding ding ding ! ! ! Where were the alarm bells ? And why did they all decide to go mute ? The first bit of our trip was fine . He would tell me more travel stories and we would make short stops to take photos of nice - looking places . Then we arrived at a rainforest . By then , we were at least sixty miles away from Cairns and I hadn 't seen a single soul for the last hour . It was still daylight , though , so I didn 't hesitate too long when he suggested that we should take a walk in the woods . The forest was beautiful . Lush and peaceful , and it smelled like rain - soaked earth and eucalyptus . He had his camera on him and offered to take pictures of me , which I gladly agreed to as my dad always complains that I 'm never in the photos I share with him . All this would have been fine , hadn 't he started to behave in a way that made me uncomfortable . He took an awful lot of pictures of me , which was already pushing me out of my comfort zone , but then he started instructing me how I should look into the camera and tilt my head , where I should place my hand on my hips or that I should lick my lips a little and look sexy . And he made comments on how beautiful I was and how naturally I came across , which wasn 't even true . I never felt more uncomfortable . I got out of the situation by saying that I hated being in pictures and I 'd prefer to see some more places , so he agreed to head back to the car . The turning point came when we hit the road again . I can 't really explain what happened or how my inner alarm finally went off , I just knew I had to get away from him . From one moment to another , the light in his eyes changed . His harmless and friendly look had something terrifying and mad in it , and I just felt that something bad would happen if I stayed with him . I started panicking , but luckily , my brain kicked in and kept me focused . I was weighing the different scenarios in my head while he was chatting away and kept staring at me with his crazy eyes . I knew that it depended on my behavior whether I could get out of there with no harm . I figured that I could be straightforward with him and say that I didn 't feel comfortable and wanted to go home , and I could firmly ask him to drive me back . But I wasn 't sure whether the change of tone wouldn 't trigger something in him , so I gave up on that idea . What I did know was that I couldn 't show him my fear . I felt that revealing my helplessness would turn him into a monster and taking advantage of my weakness , he 'd " just " rape me or straight away cut my throat and leave me bleeding out on the side of the road . With those thoughts in mind , I was shaking inside , but I pushed myself to play it cool . I was maintaining the facade and carried on with our conversation in a light - hearted manner . I glanced at my watch and casually suggested that we get back as I had a meeting with a friend in town and didn 't want to keep him waiting . He asked me details about the meeting and the person , and I lied to him like I was reading it from a book . He said he wanted to show me one more spot before we drove home because it was especially stunning at sunset . A few minutes later , he pulled over at a sandy beach - of course , no people around . I desperately needed to pee , so he said he would wait for me on the beach until I " did my thing " behind a tree . He was in a proper distance when I squatted , but my heart almost jumped out of my chest when I looked up after zipping up my pants and he stood right next to me and asked whether everything went all right . My discomfort and the level of my anxiety had increased with every minute I spent with him , but I kept repeating to myself that that was the only way out . As we were walking down to the beach , he reminded me that he was a certified reflexologist and could give amazing foot massages . I pretended that I didn 't hear that by enthusiastically discovering a beautiful shell in the sand , picking it up , and shoving it into his face . " Look how beautiful this is , " I chirped . He smiled and in the next second , he kicked his shoes off and buried his feet in the sand . " Come on , feel this . Isn 't this amazing ? It 's very good for you ; it 's like a natural scrub . " And he didn 't leave me alone until I , too , removed my shoes and socks to walk barefoot on the sandy beach . A lonely bench stood there facing the ocean . He sat down with the bench in between his legs and motioned me to join him . Somehow I felt more comfortable pulling my knees close to my chest , which turned out to be a wrong decision . A moment later , he grabbed my feet ( both of them at the same time ) , pulled my legs into his lap , and started massaging my feet . My instant response would have been a hard kick , but I just pulled away and said that I didn 't feel comfortable when people touched my feet . " Oh , come on , you know this is my profession , " he argued and took my feet in his hand again . I didn 't want to upset him , so I reluctantly gave in . I recall saying to myself , " It 's OK , Sandra , it 's only a massage ; there 's nothing wrong with that , don 't be so paranoid . " A shiver goes down my spine even now as I think about it . He looked happier and happier as he was massaging my feet and asked me to take a picture of him . With my feet in his hands . Hoping that I could make this horror end , I grabbed the camera . I thought it couldn 't get worse , but when the camera clicked after the shot , he pulled my feet to his face and pressed them against his cheeks , rubbing them on his skin . He was grinning like a baby after a poop . I felt disgusted and frightened . I wanted to cry . And I don 't know how I managed to keep it together , but I said to him that I really needed to go see my friend , so we should get back to the car . He promised we would leave a minute later , but he wanted one last picture . And that , of course , with my feet on his cheeks . Ew ! I let him put my feet to his flabby cheeks again . And I photographed it . I felt sick . The moment I pressed the button on the camera and gave a relieved sigh , thinking that we were done with that horrible scenario , he strengthened his grip on my feet ( still on his cheeks ) and forced BOTH of my big toes into his mouth . Unable to speak properly as his tongue was blocked by my TWO toes , he mumbled commandingly , " Take a picture , " and that scary look in his eyes raised to a new level . I can 't describe what I felt . It was fear and sheer shock but also embarrassment , shame , disgust , and anger . I was so angry with myself for being so stupid and couldn 't stop repeating in my head , " Let me just , please , get out of this ; let me just , please , get out of this . " He drove me back to town . He said he would burn the pictures on a CD and gave them to me . As I was getting out of the car , my legs were shaking so much that , for a second , I thought I would collapse right in front of him . But I didn 't . I waited there until his car disappeared around the corner . I sat down on the curb of the sidewalk and started to cry . Was it relief ? Sure . But it was more gratitude . I felt gratefulness that " nothing " happened to me in the end . I knew it was only a matter of luck that I was sitting there safe after a day that could have ended much worse . An important lesson in my life . I couldn 't believe how unwary and brainless I was , and I promised myself that I would NEVER do such a stupid thing again . Because seeing the good in people and trust them is great , but we need to be careful . We need to think . But most importantly , we should NEVER ignore our instincts . They can save our life .

There was , briefly , a husband , but I was not in love with him . I was in love with belief . So simple , I imagined : you do believe or you don 't . Say it : I do . I am a translator by occupation , though I am now an old woman . I have spoken a great deal about my work over the years , but what I never say to anyone is this : I have always felt a desire to have no voice at all , to say nothing , to keep the words to myself . And isn 't it true that translation is about privacy and secrecy ? And which of these is the origin of the career ? Is a young woman secretive by nature , and so she takes up the work of translation , or does the profession dispose a woman to be secretive ? I wanted to be everywhere and nowhere , to elude capture . I wanted silence . And order . What the translator has power over is order . Words in the sentence . Events in sequence . Raymond Alexander was a painter and a student in art history . His paintings were representational , out of fashion then , delicate oils , windowscapes , he called them , the view from a small room . When I saw four or five of his canvases , I thought , the light is strange , too much of it , coming out of nowhere . You felt as if you would not want to be in such a room , or else you would never want to leave it . He lived in a studio apartment , almost directly behind the Columbia University library , in a building between two fraternities . " But it 's deceptive , " Raymond said when he 'd let me in . " I have this extra space . " He led me through the main room , where there was a mantle and a fireplace , two metal bookshelves - the kind people who live in the suburbs have in their garages for tools and cans of vegetables - a red butterfly chair , and a frameless futon closed up like a couch . The kitchen was big enough for a table and two chairs . A cookbook was open on the table , the Moosewood Cookbook , I knew from the small , careful handwriting of the author , which has made it untranslatable . Green peppers , tomatoes , onions and parsley were piled on a cutting board . " But this is the best part . " He stepped into the bathroom and unbolted a door on the other side , then propped it open with a kitchen chair . " Look at my back yard , " he said . Five wooden steps led down into a wide alley stretching a quarter of a block in length , one of those usually empty echoing spaces made by the backs of tall apartment buildings in New York City . But this one had been transformed into a garden , bordered by middle - sized shade trees , a vegetable bed , shrubs , rose bushes , and two circular , groomed grassy lawns , the whole space wound with paths filled with small luminous stones . On each end , there was a wooden bench set against a high trellis . I did not recognize the vines on the trellises , but each one was just coming into leaf , so it would be possible to sit facing east or west , and with a certain sort of strict vision , see nothing but green . Each of the round lawns was about six feet in diameter , the size of a bed . I wanted to lie down on one of them . I wondered if Raymond ever had . " No , no , " Raymond said . " I haven 't been here that long . A woman who lives on the ground floor in the next building - she 's been there for years . The widow of a professor . She did it . I 'm just lucky . " " She used to let me paint out here . As long as I 'm quiet . And I do a little pruning for her . I cut the grass . She has a push mower by the back door . It 's a funny thing to see in the city . " He pointed to the mower , and it was surreal , like Magritte 's pipe . " Do you want something to drink , Nora ? I was just about to start cooking . " We climbed the stairs and passed back into the kitchen . Raymond opened two beers and handed me one . He pointed to a small knife and the peppers . The cookbook was open to a recipe for Scheherazade casserole . Two medium green peppers , chopped . There was a silence in our working together that was a kind of presence , but comfortable . Two people standing next to each other , with jobs to do . When we met at school , there had been noise and so much talk . We never had enough time to finish the conversation . Now there seemed to be so much time , hours in which to wash the tomatoes and peppers , rinse the bundle of parsley , really look at Raymond as he moved around the kitchen . I thought for the first time that he resembled certain pictures of Jesus , though he was tall and muscled : the light brown hair that hung to his shoulders , the neat beard , a softness in his eyes . It was a troubling notion , and as if in response , the floor began to tremble , utensils hung on pegboard rattled against each other . In the other room , books fell off a shelf . Water from the parsley flew into Raymond 's face , and he laughed . He opened two more beers , patted my back . I walked into the other room intending to pick up the books . I could see the bare bones of how he lived . There are only a few years in most people 's lives when that 's possible , before meaning is obscured , before they move to bigger apartments , then houses , then into marriages , children , back into their old hobbies . But for a little while , it 's right there , out in the open , the truth of what somebody is and wants . Raymond 's typewriter sat on a black board he 'd balanced over the top of the radiator . There were several large books piled to one side , and I went to look at them . The one on top was in French , Ecole de Barbizon . The cover was Jean Francois Millet 's Angelus . I picked up the book and took it into the kitchen . " Are you studying this ? " We stood for a moment just outside something . " It 's pretty . It 's so familiar . " " The light , " he said . " He got it just right . It 's genius . " We ate at the little table in the kitchen , talking about our work and holding hands awkwardly around the plates and bottles . I felt elated and afraid . A garden in the middle of an alleyway in New York City , the end of my schooling . I 'd been very good at learning languages . I told Raymond the family history : my father 's early death , my mother 's grief , and mine , which had always felt like making a speech into one end of a long tube , but less so this time . I told him I loved the soothing silence of translating poetry . The process is slow , internal . I find I must take the whole poem into my body . Sometimes I imagined joining a convent , that there was some stillness and quiet I needed to find out what to do with my life . He nodded and ate - what reply was there to such statements ? The casserole tasted very good , substantial was the word I used - I remember this because Raymond laughed and repeated it as if he wasn 't quite sure he was being complemented . But I meant it was the first food I had really tasted in a long time . We finished the meal , took our beers and sat outside , on the east - facing bench of the garden so we could see the quarter moon . It was wonderfully dark . There was a long rectangle of light shining out the back door of Raymond 's apartment , illuminating what I thought must be a rose bush , maybe a camellia , but a red flower , in bloom and round like an apple . It was like being outside one of his paintings and looking in , and I said so . Beyond us , the sounds of cars , car horns , voices , the trickling of music from open windows , all of this seemed to quiet and then fade . Raymond 's arm was around my shoulders , but I couldn 't see him . We weren 't talking . " I thought this feeling might go away , " he said suddenly . " But it hasn 't . " I must have stiffened a little because he held me more tightly . " No , no . Not about you . I mean about painting . There 's something about what Millet 's seeing . What I 'm seeing - " " I know . If I could only really see like that . But I think all I can do is copy . I can 't do anything useful . I haven 't even wanted to paint in months . " " No . I don 't feel that way . I feel relieved . It 's fine that I 'm not going to be another second or third rate American painter . I 'll finish school in two years . I love the teaching . " " Art in the dark , " I said . " That 's what they called it when I was in college . We called it that . The students did . " I didn 't want to leave that garden , but we did . We went inside and unrolled the futon and got down to solving other kinds of mysteries . I loved Raymond Alexander then , but I knew I did not love him enough . We lay in the dark in the middle of the night , with the windows open , listening to the fraternity boys next door , the anguished , endless barking of a dog , and shouting between men and women , all the ways New York City talks in its sleep . Once or twice , I thought there was a rumbling underneath us as the express train ran north or south , and then the echo of it traveled across the room and into the kitchen . For a while he didn 't answer . For a long time . " I don 't think you 're convent material , " he said much later . His lips moved against my neck as if he were trying to tell me something . Raymond and I spent the summer this way . And in the fall I took part time teaching jobs at the Fashion Institute and Hunter College and The New School , and my life became a blur of train rides and vocabulary tests . Raymond had nearly finished his course work , began to think about a dissertation . He never touched his paints . Most nights that summer we slept out in the garden , in a sleeping bag when the weather turned colder . Raymond explained to the old widow that we were doing this , and she smiled approvingly , he said , and nodded her head , and she told him it was like having an all - night security guard . Sometimes in the morning , we would wake up to find her a few feet away , pruning , fertilizing , gathering blossoms or late tomatoes . It was hard to say , at those moments , who was guarding whom . She seemed to me an angel , a vision , a message I could not quite read , but didn 't have to yet . When I opened my eyes , she was looking at me . Not at us . It appeared that she smiled and shook her head , just once . The sun rose behind her , and her smile brightened when she saw I was awake . Then she turned back to her work . In December , Raymond 's brother David was on the plane that blew up over Lockerbie , Scotland . His parents went over to Lockerbie , but Raymond didn 't think he could stand it . In New York , we went to church together for days , staying long after Mass had ended . Raymond was trying to understand , to make a thousand deals with God . He told me in the coffee shops along Broadway those first weeks of January , the litany : If I could be sure he felt no pain , if I could be sure he wasn 't scared , if I could be sure he had no knowledge whatsoever . If someone could promise me these things . If I could be sure he died immediately . If I could be sure what we buried was really him and no other , that he 's not alive somewhere . If I could be sure he 's gone to heaven . If I could be sure there is a heaven . We drank another cup of coffee . We tried to talk about our lives at school , the city , books , but his desolation was too great , and it became mine , too . We couldn 't stop talking about it , or reading the newspaper accounts . We held hands constantly . We sat close to each other in the booth and held on . Finally , Raymond came to believe he had to see the place where the sky let go of his brother . Many of the families felt this way . Raymond wrote to some of them , talked on the phone . His own parents had gone in December , and now , they said they were too old to make the trip again , too broken . And so I agreed to go with him , we made plans all summer , and then left in August . We flew to London , then to Edinburgh , rented a car and drove the rest of the way , through beautiful weather , really more like the end of spring that far north . We were in farm country , where the land had unfolded itself , opened fully for a brief time to admit us . Everywhere we were told we couldn 't have come at a better moment , it was the season of life , the season , a priest said , when every tear shall be wiped away . The families stared dumbly at this . We were traveling with two others , two sets of parents and a sister . One of the mothers whispered I can 't bear it , over and over . Her husband shook his head . Sure , tears could be wiped away , he said , but there was no end to them , would never be . We went to a house to ask about it : a woman who said Raymond 's brother had fallen into her kitchen . Smashed through the ceiling . She opened the door after the explosion and the fireball , and there he was , curled into himself as if he 'd dropped there for a bit of rest . The police told them not to touch the bodies , not to move them until there could be an investigation . He lay there , the sleeping laddie , she called him , through the night and all the next day . It was bitterly cold . When evening came on , I couldna stand it , she said , and she covered him with a blanket , even though she knew he felt nothing . It was not survivable , they told us again and again , until the word lost its meaning . The sets of parents nodded , their eyes empty . I could see they were thinking something : And neither is this . We looked up into the open spaces of the church , the meeting hall . There were three separate memorial services while we were there , the drone of a voice trying to explain . I remembered the sound from the weeks after my father 's death , the noise a heart would make were it a machine and not living tissue . God is building a house , one of them said , and he was exactly right . It was the sound of an adze or a saw , a carpenter 's tool that has to repeat its sorry work over and over . There is a famous golf course at Lockerbie , and some of the wreckage fell there . We came to it quite by accident , driving aimlessly , having seen what we thought was the worst . It was closed , but the guard seemed to recognize the seven of us before anyone spoke or explained . There was something about the open space , the groomed quality of it , that made us separate from one another , fan out , the relatives each seeking some quiet place apart . Husband drifted from wife , father from mother . Raymond let go of my hand and wandered down the first fairway . The sister fell to her knees at the edge of a green and then lay down . There is the notion , I think , that you can hear God 's voice in an open space like that . But what Raymond said was that the silence on the golf course , over all of Lockerbie , was terrible , unbearable , not survivable . There was no comfort , no voice of God to explain , to soothe him . " The rest of the world is so loud , " I said , and just then an airplane roared overhead . We stood perfectly still and did not look up . As the sound grew louder , one of the mothers bent her head , folded her hands , became the woman in Millet 's Angelus . She and her husband had been digging for something , the basket at their feet mostly empty . We were married in a town just outside Edinburgh , on the way home . We didn 't plan it . We had two days ' layover - though that isn 't the right way to explain it - we came away from Lockerbie two days earlier than planned , gave up the rented car and rode the train , because we couldn 't stand it . Not the sorrow , not our sorrow , or the local people and the strangeness of theirs , inside of which there was a thin line of accusation , like strata in rock . Not even the ghostly immanence of the place , the sense that all these American students would suddenly reappear , walk out from the meadows and lanes , clouds of them drifting into the pubs and the chemists ' shops , fanning out across the golf course , sweet smiles on their faces , the joy of homecoming . It was that , in the end , at the end , we didn 't know why we 'd come . Raymond didn 't know . I knew . I had come to try to resolve my old quarrel , to face one of the most inexplicable of God 's oversights and see if it shook my faith . It didn 't . But David wasn 't my brother . We stepped off the train in Edinburgh station , and there was the famous music festival . We had forgotten about it , not noticed at all maybe . So there were no rooms . No rooms at the inn . We got back on the train and went to the next town out , really a suburb , South Edinburgh . The weather was warm , the sky a brilliant blue . Everywhere we saw posters advertising the International Music Festival , and even here people on the street had the same joyous , drunken look we 'd seen in the city proper . It seemed as though many of them were in costume - we told each other this , but now I don 't know how that could have been true . I was reminded of Mardi Gras , all that frenzied pleasure before the solemnity and self - denial of Lent . We walked along the road that ran from the train station until we came to a small place , the Glenora Hotel , and went in . An old woman led us upstairs , where we saw the room was spare , but very white and clean . The bed was soft , which ordinarily would have been a nuisance . But the events of the previous days , all the attention they required , made us both feel that we wanted to fall backward into something deep , bottomless , a pool of feathers . " I 'm afraid the world might end right now , " he said . " But I 'm not afraid , too . It would be all right . " He touched the side of my face . " David missed out on this . " " He told me . He wrote it in a letter . He said he 'd gone to bed with a woman , for the first time , but they both knew it was nothing , that they didn 't want it to happen again . He said he was waiting for somebody he could just hold in his arms . " Raymond had closed his eyes , but now he opened them , looked at my face . " Let 's get married , Nora , " he said . " Right now . Here . For David . " I didn 't know what to say . I gazed at the details of our little room . The roses on the wall paper , the white washbasin and pitcher - I tried to get some meaning from them . I thought about that . I loved this man , but there was this other loneliness , this voice I wanted more of . Still , he 'd suffered so much . I knew what I was saying was right , that back in the United States , the marriage would be - what ? The words seemed strange to apply to marriage : null and void . No good . The marriage would be no good . We got out of bed then , dressed - a kind of fury had seized both of us , though not a kind , different furies , bound by the same knowledge that right then , in or near Edinburgh , there would be someone crazy enough , happy enough , song - filled enough to marry us . We laughed and kissed and brushed our teeth , looked at ourselves in the mirror , mugged it up like a couple in a photo booth . This seemed significant later , this lack of evidence : how we didn 't have any pictures of ourselves that day , only the memory of the tiny hotel bathroom , the cloudy mirror over the sink . Downstairs , a young man stood behind the reception desk , wearing earphones . His eyes were closed . There 's music everywhere near Edinburgh , I thought , even places you can 't hear it . Somebody is hearing it , though , and that 's what 's important . This man was so completely still and pale that he looked not alive . The woman who found Raymond 's brother at her back steps had said he was wearing earphones , and I must have recalled her words a millisecond before Raymond did , because he stopped as if I had noted this resemblance outloud . He clutched my hand , then released it , like pulsing . I could almost feel it myself , his taking note , the way his body seemed to move from this world to a kind of shadowy universe that ran beside it , and then back . He sighed out a tiny rasp and took hold of my hand again . The man had already heard us or seen us and pulled the soft discs from his ears , one at a time . " Go over to the Catholic church , St . Anne . And ask for Father Percy . He 's visiting from America , and my sister says he 's quite mad . " " I probably am quite mad . But not mad enough apparently because I feel compelled to tell you the marriage wouldn 't be legal once you got home . Also , I don 't know you , to put it bluntly . I would need to ask a few questions . " Father Percy turned to me . " You 're awfully quiet and solemn , for one thing . For a woman about to be married . Are you here of your own free will ? " " And it 's made you want to marry each other ? " Father Percy looked from Raymond to me . His voice was gentle and full of sorrow , but there was another note in it too . Approval , I thought . Understanding , an appreciation of how it could happen that senseless , violent death might cause two people to want to cleave together . That it might be a way to mourn . That the one might translate the other . " I 'll tell you what , " he said . " You 'll have to do it all again when you go home because no one will issue you any paper , any license . There 's a waiting period here , several months , I think . But I 'll say the words . It will be like a rehearsal . I 'll say the words and I 'll mean them . God will understand . " He looked heavenward . " A rehearsal . Let 's go into the chapel . " " Let me read a gospel first , " he said . " I like this one for marriages . " He grinned at us . " It 's short . " You are the salt of the earth ; but if salt has lost its taste , how shall its saltiness be restored ? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trodden underfoot by men . You are the light of the world . A city set on a hill cannot be hid . Nor do men light a lamp and put it under a bushel . " Salt , " he said , " for you right now comes from your tears . But someday , it will come to have once again the old meaning , flavor - all that makes your lives good and interesting . You will be salt for each other in that way . About the rest of it , the light for the world , I don 't know . Show each other the way . Don 't let each other down . Light is a tricky thing . " And then the familiar part : do you take this woman , do you take this man . We did . We took . We promised . We kissed each other , there in the Scottish Catholic chapel , in front of the American priest . Afterwards , we walked back to the rectory and had a glass of whiskey and a piece of apple pie . Father Percy told us he was from California , but he had become tired of the west , it was so corporeal , so unreflective . " The chapel was on a college campus , " he said , " across the street from the football stadium . Sometimes games were played at the same time as Mass on Saturday evenings , and I don 't know the electronics of it , but the sound systems would get crossed over , and the game announcer 's voice would come booming through the speakers in the church . Or else there would be this terrible feedback . One day , it just wouldn 't stop , and I had to end the Mass . I walked across the street to the announcer 's booth , and I went nuts . Yelling . Trying to break things . Breaking things , too . I don 't know exactly what . I was away from myself . Just out of my head . Afterwards , I told the Bishop I needed to be alone somewhere , and he said I most certainly did . " When we came back , Raymond and I were estranged . The whole world seemed pushed to the sides of my vision , and out of focus . Peripheral is exactly the word . There were questions first , in September , asked very seriously across a desk at the Mercy House in Brooklyn . There was a priest present , a vocations minister , and a sister . The questions had a certain weightlessness about them , an absence of gravity , in both senses . I was reminded of the process for obtaining a permit to carry a concealed weapon , which I had read about in a story . " We are in the world , " the sister said . " Not like the Benedictine . You won 't renounce your family , or anyone . That is right for some women . You should think whether it is what you want . " " You are older than most of the candidates , " the priest said . " Most of the time they come to us from high school , during high school . You 'll automatically become a mother figure , probably a confidante if you have that skill . " " Is that all ? " the priest said . His eyes were closed , or maybe he was staring down at his hands . His fingernails were ringed with something black and unwashable , grease or dirt . I thought he must have been working on his car . He looked up , at my face , then took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes . The dirt seemed to sting , he blinked hard , pulled his hands away quickly and stared at them . " There 's something - " he began , then sighed heavily . " But what do I know ? " He smiled . " There 's a power in you . A kind of sadness . Power and sadness can be the same thing sometimes . Think of Christ . " He laughed , shook his head . " You probably don 't belong here . But sometimes that 's good for the others . " He folded his hands , signaled that I could go . I went to Raymond 's apartment . He was drinking tea and studying his art history text . The Greeks . I thought of all the statuary I 'd seen , all those broken bodies . He had made cookies . His apartment smelled like sweet , tentative life . " I went to see the Sisters of Mercy , " I said . He didn 't respond for a long time . It was all right . I knew he had to take in such information slowly . I looked around his apartment , which I believed I 'd never enter again , saw the monkishness of it , the futon , the hemp rug , the board over the radiator , the red butterfly chair someone had given him , the metal bookshelves which he had assembled badly , without tools . I followed him into the kitchen . The blue kettle , the package of tea bags in the cabinet above . The pegboard also inexpertly attached to the wall , the shaking utensils , the sound of falling books . I had not thought of it this way : several times an hour , his whole place rattled , threatened to collapse . " I 'm going to move in with another candidate . Named Wendy . She lives on 112th Street , so I 'll actually be closer to you . Nothing will really change . " " Nothing will really change ? " He spun away from the stove toward me . " What do you mean nothing will change ? You take vows . Everything will change . " He handed me a mug of tea and arranged some of the cookies on a plate . We sat down on the futon which he folded every morning into the nearly S - shape of a couch . He was using a fruit crate for a coffee table . He nodded and we drank our tea . The cookies were still warm , peanut butter with chocolate chips , the ideal marriage of sweet and salt . I thought that at the time , I really did . The ideal marriage . " My brother - " Raymond stopped , picked a shard of cookie off the floor . " David is everywhere . " He turned to face me . " I talk about him too much . Is that it , Nora ? That I can 't get over it ? " " He 's everywhere , " Raymond said . " But what good does it do ? I can 't get to him , can 't talk to him . Can 't touch him . " I moved in with Wendy and two other candidates , but downtown , near the Mercy House . They were all in nursing school , and nineteen years old . What the priest said was true , that I was their mother , their confidante . They were very sweet girls , very pious . What they wanted most was to do good in the world . I worked on my candidacy , substitute taught in the public schools , tutored children , taught religious education classes . The students did not understand much of what they were learning - I can see that now - a cultural moment was overtaking us . Good children went bad overnight , brought knives to school , smoked marijuana before CCD classes , so that there was something of the beyond , of the divine , of the immortal about them when they came into the room . It gave them a kind of awe , an appreciation for the miraculous . They said " whoa " when we read that the stone was rolled away , the burial garments folded neatly , the body disappeared . They meant it . Every other day , I took the subway uptown for a class at Mother Cabrini . I knew when the car I rode in passed under Raymond 's apartment , knew how his place fell apart and then becalmed , fell down and then got up . After I moved , we didn 't see each other , but I knew that his brother was still everywhere . And I understood the Millet painting , the Angelus , the strange fade of that light , the storm coming in from the right side of the canvas , close to the village in the distance , the way it burned on the arms of the man and the woman standing together in the foreground . It was she who was facing into the light , and the bridge of her nose and her fingertips glowed red , as if she would feel hot to touch , to kiss . And the light turned the field red , too . The ground was burning ; it would be impossible to walk across . How would they get home , this man and this woman ? I had once asked Raymond , but he didn 't answer . How would they lift their loaded cart and turn and move toward the village without bursting into flame ? And what was there waiting for them ? The place they lived was only a dark steeple , almost black , and a low rectangular structure that seemed to admit the light , a corncrib , a broken down stable . No wonder she stood frozen , burning , her neck bent as if expecting a blow . Allow me to translate . The King James version of the Bible , for instance : in French , one reads " Laissez la lumiere . " Let there be the light . In English : " Let there be light . " Unspecified , casual . Some light , somewhere , wherever , whenever . This is the difference between the painting and our seeing of it . There is a story I heard later , about this painting , that the man and the woman had just buried their child , who had died in an accident on the road outside the town . Millet knew them , loved the child also . In English : " The child has been run over . " No one 's fault . Accidents happen . In German : " Das Kind ist unter die Rader gedommen . " The child is under the car 's wheels . Such drama , and a terrible vision in the mind 's eye . In French : " L ' enfant s ' est fait ecraser . " The child has caused himself to be crushed . This is what Millet would have said when his wife asked him what had happened to the child . This is how I have to make him say the words . This is my violent occupation . The translator brings her own language into the machinery of another language . She enters into that language and smashes her way to the center , the heart , and she tries to break that heart open , to see what 's inside , see how it all works . And in so doing , she becomes invisible . She leaves the scene . What the translator has power over is order . Words in the sentence . Events in sequence . What the reader knows when . Otherwise , she 's nothing . Liza Wieland has published three novels : The Names of the Lost ( Southern Methodist University Press , 1992 ) , Bombshell ( SMU , 2001 ) and A Watch of Nightingales ; two collections of short fiction : Discovering America ( Random House , 1994 ) and You Can Sleep While I Drive ( SMU , 1999 ) ; as well as a book of poems , Near Alcatraz ( Cherry Grove , 2005 ) . A Watch of Nightingales was this year 's winner of the Michigan Literary Fiction Award . She has received grants from the National Endowment for the Arts , the Christopher Isherwood Foundation , and the North Carolina Arts Council , and has won two Pushcart Prizes . She teaches literature and creative writing at East Carolina University .

That 's my desk at the end of NaNo . There . I 'm done with NaNo for the year . Not a bad count , by the end . There were more times this year that I thought just to give up on it than I 've ever have before . But I finished four stories - - Reflections , Storm , Working for the Guild and Gift . The last came in short , but since I 'm well over the minimum 50k to win , I don 't think it will matter much at all . I 'm glad to have a working draft done , at least . I was depressed when I got done and Russ wasn 't here to celebrate with . He 's always been great about doing stuff like that , and making me think it was important . He 's only been gone a week . It 's going to be a very long year . And it looks like we 're going to have a nasty storm tomorrow - - rain , sleet , freezing rain , snow . I am just so looking forward to this , and having to shovel snow for two houses . Russ always did it before . I 'm sure I didn 't appreciate it nearly enough . Now I have to go do a bunch of stuff for FM and get things ready for December . Then , I think , I 'm going to play with DAZ Studio for a while . And start work on the new newsletter , since I need to get to that pretty soon , too . So . . . . Still busy . Time to get to work , I guess . Last snippet - - from Gifts : Keshrin silenced him with a shake of his head , and then bent to lift the hilt of the sword that still lay on the stone road at their feet . " Peri , what is this ? " " A sword . " " What kind of sword ? Why did Civilis use it against you ? " " Because it is a Holy Sword , " Peri said and tried not to look at the broken blade and the little bit of blood there . " It is a broken Holy Sword . Why did it break ? " " Pardon ? " Keshrin picked up the other piece and held it as well . Peri looked down at it confused . He wasn 't up to playing these kinds of word games right now . " Peri , " Keshrin said looking into his face again . " Who broke the sword ? You ? " " No ! " " No , " Keshrin agreed . He looked into Peri 's face . " I believe it was the work of the gods , Perseus . I believe it no less than anyone else here . And if the gods stand by you , how can I not ? " Peri lookePosted by Only one day left . I think I 'll make the 200k at least . That is if I can wake up tomorrow and get to work . Or maybe I should just stay up tonight . No . I 'm tired . Sleep . Sleep is good . I can do another few thousand words tomorrow and make my goal . And then what will I do ? I have some other things to get caught up on . And I would like to play with the DAZ studio stuff again . I have an idea I 'd like to try , but I haven 't had time to do more than think about it . Okay , tonight 's scene is toward the end of Working for the Guild - - which did cross 50k today . I might add a little more to the opening . I had ideas . Or I might not . It depends on how the writing goes tomorrow and if I get fired up for it . I often do on the last day ! Snippet : He hadn 't been called to see Commander Vaddon in several months . That suited them both , he realized . They were not comfortable with one another - - not even in the distant sort of way they had been before . The few times he had come to this office , he always remembered his old battle with Starlin . How petty that seemed now . No one bothered him anymore . The woman at the desk merely nodded and he went into the office . Vaddon looked up from his desk - - and for a moment he had one of those uncomfortable flashbacks where it was Claudian who looked up . He grimaced and knew that Commander Vaddon had caught it . He looked uncomfortable , too . " Sit down . " He gave a quick bow of his head and did so , watching as Commander Vaddon sat back in his chair . He frowned and then nodded as though he had come to some decision . " The IWC are starting a task force to work on the mercenary problem , " he said . " They want to work with the Guild . You are the one who will be working with them . " " Me ? " he said , surprised - - truly surprised - - that Vaddon would trust him that much . " Yes , you . You cannot stay here - - you spread your attitude like a disease , Zerod . I 'm sorry , because you were a good assassin , but I cannot in good conscious send you out on an assignment that requires that kind of finesse and judgment . And you cannot stay Posted by That 's Zaphod , asleep behind me on the chair . It was hard to get the camera pointed at him without moving so much that I woke him up . Is that cute or what ? I finally - - finally - - got into the swing of writing tonight . That 's good , because other wise I wasn 't going to get done with the work . I think I 'm still going to write some more before I go to bed . I 'm barely going to make 200k , though , from the looks of it . I 'm running out of story . I don 't think Gift will be more than 40k - - and I really don 't care . The other three are 50k - - or at least they will be . I still have to write a couple thousand more for Guild . This was not my favorite NaNo , but it wasn 't NaNo 's fault . It was just not a good month . Oh , and I had a power outage today during a wind storm . That was really helpful . And the odd problem that came up with the newsletter . I spent several hours trying to track that one down since it had to go out today . I wish I could say that December is going to be better , but for many reasons it will not . Still hoping Russ will be home for Christmas though . Okay , it 's a bit after 3 am . I 'm going to do a little more writing and then sleep for a while . Here is today 's small snippet : " He 's always like that , " Brisen said . " If there weren 't the rest of us to take care of him , he 'd kill himself on some fool gesture to protect his friends . " " Survived to get here , " Peri said , trying to make light of the situation . " Be still , mage , " Brisen unexpectedly ordered . " And I think you only survived this long because you had no friends to protect . " That silenced him with realization that the man was right . It stunned him . " Peri ? " Brisan said , concerned . " Just - - hadn 't thought about that before . They were on even ground , and it was easier . " Never had friends before I washed up on the Kalia shore . " " None ? " " " I was - - am - - a half breed mage . " " Childhood friends ? " Brisen asked , perhaps distracting himself with the conversation . He looked like he was starting to falter with exhaustion , and Cattalus couldn 't be much stronger , though perhaps more uPosted by Only three days left . I 'm glad . I don 't think I could take much more of a month like this . I started with an injured wrist , which worried me . Oddly , it didn 't bother me nearly as much as I expected . Well , not until I jammed my arm against something yesterday , and now it 's been hurting like hell again . Gah . I still got quite a bit of writing done , so it 's not nearly as bad as it was in October . But it is still annoying . Of course , everything is annoying right now . I can 't say I 've enjoyed this NaNo nearly as much as I have the ones in the past , but I don 't think it was the fault of NaNo or even the books I 've worked on . For obvious reasons , I 've not been in a good mood . I don 't know if it 's going to improve much or not , but I think having NaNo done will be a help . I 'm going to finish Guild , and I likely will reach the 200k mark , but I 'm not certain I 'll have Gift done . Probably close , though . I 'll be spending most of the last days doing nothing but writing . Hmmm . . . . maybe that doesn 't sound so bad after all . We 're supposed to have a wind storm and snow tomorrow . With my luck , we 'll lose power . It 's been that kind of month , you know . I 'm tired tonight . I think I 'm going to be going to bed before dawn for a change . Sounds like a good plan to me ! Snippet of Gift : He crossed to the table and pulled out a chair - - and pushed Peri down into it before he took the chair to the right . The Lords and servants were looking increasingly distressed , but it was the look of worry on Keshrin 's face that drew all of Peri 's attention . The others had found their seats and a silence fell across the room . " Is there trouble , Your Highness ? " Valerian asked , leaning forward to see the king . " All kinds of trouble , " he said , and ran a hand over his hair - - a nervous gesture not lost on anyone else here . " We have word from the border . Toru has gathered another Tasali army , and he 's invaded the north of Kalia again . Words is that this is no small landing force , either . " " Heading south , " Valerian said and won a nod from Keshrin . " Are the Kalians putPosted by Late . It keeps getting later every night , I think . It 's coming up on 4 am . I 'm tired . I 'm cropping in the opening to the last book I 'm working on . I 'm not sure I 'm going to get it done during NaNo , but I 'm doing alright with it . The other one - - Working for the Guild - - is still moving , but so slowly that I 'd have a hard time getting a good snippet it out of it . I just hope it makes 50k or I 'm going to be very unhappy with it . So here is the opening from Gift : The night came , a cold black Tasal night in the depths of the endless winter , where the sun slept beyond the edge of the world , and never showed himself . The icy winter remained without relief , and the snows blew through days that were lost in the darkness of time . Here only the cold white of snow and the darkness of eternal death reigned , and few survived . Only the strong came out of the north of Tasal . So they sat and waited , the five men . They huddled in the cave and watched the far peak across the snowfield , where the red fires of the God Abaddon burned bright . The vigil of the endless day and night was their sacred duty and they came here to live by their wits , far from the protection of the tribes and villages . They were the Chosen , whom even a chieftain would not defy , and they lived like animals in the cave , fighting with the wolf for the kill . There had been unease in the world . They waited now for a sign to show victory or loss . The sign came finally . Loss . The red fires of Abaddon flared and died - - and in all the eons of Tasali Legends , the Power of Abaddon had never failed here in the heartland of his believers . For a breathless moment the five watched the darkness with a mixture of awe and fear - - though none of them would have admitted to the last . The fire flickered again ; less now , but not dead . A cold wind blew with the moan of a thousand dead , and somewhere too close to the cave , the wolves howled in dismay . For a dozen heartbeats all had been lost and Tasal had been without Shaman , Power and God . But the light had returned , so that the God was nPosted by This has been a long week . I did , finally , get somewhat into the swing of things today . I wrote 5k , and even got the DAZ newsletter finished . Finding the right pattern to doing things so that it fills up time is difficult . But here it is at 2 am , and I am finally getting the last of the work done and preparing to upload things for the night and go to bed . Writing the Working for the Guild book is taking odd turns . I have a nice little outline still , but I keep thinking of things that I should write about farther back in the novel . I 'm not doing it , though . I want to get this one to 50k and let it sit for a while , because I can see that there is a lot of interesting side material to explore . Instead , I 'm just tacking all these notes on to the end of the work . The other book , Gift , has been very helpful . I can write on it and feel like I 'm making some progress . It 's a light little story , unlike Guild , and easy to push ahead . I need that right now . So here is a little snippet : Cailin stepped forward and put a hand on the woman 's shoulder , steadying her . Kenzie couldn 't speak . Her body trembled . She looked up again , this time at Zerod . " I couldn 't think straight . I couldn 't do anything but move along with the others , fearing that they 'd learn it was my fault . And then you arrived , and I thought you were just another one of the group . They were still contacting me , demanding payment . I couldn 't . I couldn 't give them anything before , and less so now . I wanted them to kill me . I wanted it over with . Instead , they said they would make an example of Felisa Corporation so that the others would know better than to try and back out on them . " She reached into her pocket and held out a small chit . Her hand trembled so much that Cailin had to catch hold of it to take the chit , and she held on afterwards , when it was apparent that Kenzie was slipping faster toward collapse . " That - - that 's a copy of the chit I gave to the IWC woman . It 's everything . I 've even added the last few conversations that came . . . . afterwards . I just - - I - - " CPosted by A long day . I suspect they all will be for the indefinite future . I have talked to no one but the cats . I wonder how many days I 'll go before I actually talk to another human . It might be an interesting experiment . I couldn 't get going on Working for the Guild . It wasn 't like I didn 't know what would come next or anything like that . I just didn 't care - - but that 's obviously a personal attitude and has nothing to do with the story . It was the same for everything I did today . I did end up doing something odd with writing though . I sorted through some old stuff and found a very old story that I decided to rewrite from scratch . This story is so faded I can hardly make out some of the writing , so it 's kind of interesting . I read a page or two and then I got to work typing up the story in a new version . It 's like having a very complex outline to work with . What was odd , though , was that after I 'd written about 1000 words on Gift , I was suddenly able to go back and work on the other book again , and it moved along quite nicely . I probably shouldn 't count it for NaNo , though at this point ( 160k ) , it hardly matters either way , I suppose . As long as Guild makes it to 50K to be counted as a completed NaNo work , that 's all that matters . And it 's close , so I 'm not worried . Snippet : They went to Claudian 's office . The door stood open , Royce just inside , watching for them . He looked grim . Claudian was standing by the window - - not safe , but then none of it was , so Zerod said nothing at all . Kenzie sat in a chair by the desk , looking pale and haggard . They should have gotten her out before now . He could see the smoke from what must have been a downed aircar off beyond the perimeter of the compound , and the movement of people down below . Their people , he knew - - but it still made him nervous . And there , in the ruins from the first bombing , the robos still worked at sifting through the debris and stacking it to be taken away . It was an odd sight . " I don 't understand , " Claudian said , finally looking away from the window . He looked toward tPosted by Russ left this morning about six . He 's already in New York . Sigh . It 's going to be a long month before I see him again . I 've already found myself at the front door , checking to see if the car was in the driveway and he was next door . And even when he comes home , it will only be for a day or two , and then he 'll be gone again . I really hate this . And I don 't want to go to bed tonight . But the day went quickly anyway . If the rest go like this , I 'll manage all right . If I can focus again on writing , it will help . That didn 't happen today , but it might . I got most of my words today by writing out an infodump of information that I should have considered before now - - how the Assassin 's Guild came into place , a bit of the history , etc . It was the most enjoyment I 've had in writing in a few days , so that was good . I also worked again on the picture above . I 've been toying at this one for a while . That 's my current ' vision ' of Zerod . I have the DAZ newsletter to do this weekend . I have absolutely no idea what I 'm going to write about for it . Lucky for me , it only takes a few hundred words , otherwise , I might not have the ability to do it at all . Snippet : Once out of the sight of the others , Zerod shoved the scanner away and moved based on what he felt . There were not many traces of his quarry , but he didn 't have time to linger along the way and try to feel out more . He found the first trap and quickly disarmed the almost paper thin sheet on the floor that would have set off a bomb in the wall . The next one was not much farther along the way . He knelt to work on this one - - and then rolled and fired . He caught the man in the arm . He hissed in pain and retreated so quickly , Zerod could hardly mark which way on the cross hall that he 'd gone . " There 's a trap down the main corridor , nearly to the stairs . I 'll leave a shoe by it . It 's clear that far . Be careful . " " Let 's hope you don 't find too many traps , " Royce said . " You don 't have that many pieces of clothing . " " Oh , now that could be interesting , " Cailin added . And it made him smile , Posted by Russ leaves in a few hours . Sigh . So , no , I don 't have much to say . I wrote a little today . Not much . I hope this next month goes fast . Today 's Snippet : Sunset was not long away . He could see the colors changing in the sky already . When had he gotten used to that sort of marker for time ? He hadn 't been on this world for very long , and yet - - oddly - - he felt as though he had started adapting to it . He 'd never done that before . Cailin . That was the reason . They spent the nights together , and he had started , perhaps , to feel too much of her attachment to the world . He could see it even now in her eyes as he carefully climbed into the aircar and settled into the seat beside her . He was grateful to stop moving again . Collins started to climb in . Royce stopped him . " Not with the three of us . " " Royce - - " he began . " No . It 's not safe and we all know it . " " Then why are the three of you going in the same aircar ? " " Because better to have one aircar shot down with only us in it , then three shot down , " Zerod answered him . " Find another way . We 'll see you at the Compound . " Royce swung the door closed before the medtech could say anything more . He didn 't look happy , but he stepped away . Cailin , at the controls took them up and locked them into the grid . She did not , Zerod was glad to see , lock them straight to the Compound . That would have been far too obvious . " You gave us a hell of a scare , Zerod , " Cailin said . " We came through it . Now we have to decide what to do next . " " We don 't know how many more there are . We don 't know what they plan now that we 've taken out some of their forces , " Royce said , leaning forward from behind the two - - at least as far as the belt would allow . " But we did take down their numbers and we did lessen their weapons piles . We have to believe that will help . " " I want to know where the assassin is , " Zerod said . He stared out , as though he could see find him , just looking at the city . We have heat in the house . This is good . It was a very cold day . We 'll be billed for it later . The part cost $ 400 - - which we don 't have , of course . But we will . Russ leaves on Friday . This is a traumatic , depressing and somewhat frightening idea . He won 't be back until Christmas , if he can get home then . After the furnace was fixed , we spent the time going to the store and trying to make sure I had enough supplies to get by for a month . I know it will go pretty fast , really . It 's just that it 's only the first month . There are so many after that , stretching off into who knows how long . We 've been together for thirty years . It 's not going to be easy . Little snippet , because I 'm not writing much . Or writing well , for that matter : Cailin and Zerod didn 't waste time . The only hope they had was that they had arrived unseen , and wasting that until someone spotted them was useless . Zerod had never been part of a straight forward attack before . He had never planned to be . He was reminded again that his work , while deadly enough and dangerous , didn 't include running straight at people with weapons . He kept close to Cailin , though only partly to protect her . She had her sensor set to read the hot points of laser weapons , and by that he could pick out all the weapons in the area and see where the enemy was . They ran in - - it was unnatural and it was frightening - - and if he hadn 't known a friend was in danger on the other side , he might have been slower to rush in . And the concept of friend seemed odd all on its own . He was quick to pick his targets - - to choose the ones the others might have more trouble hitting . He was good at his work , and as long as he kept his head now , he did all right . Do his work . And his work sense screamed that this was wrong . The moment the enemy began to retreat , he felt an even stronger sense of trouble than he had before . Something wrong - - Royce was working his way out of the alley , ready for trouble still as well . He looked relieved as Zerod and Cailin worked their way closer . It had been a close call . Posted by When I got up , the house was cold . I thought at first , that the weather must have taken a really drastic turn for the worse . The cats were not happy . And neither was I when I realized the reason it was so cold is one of the electric heaters had stopped working . Great . No furnace and now the heaters are giving out . I finally had to take the one from my office and put it out in the living room because it was just far too cold . So now it 's really cold in my office . We tried to move me out there , but we can 't find either the long cable or the wireless card we had for the computer . I am really starting to get annoyed . I didn 't write a lot today . It 's not only because of this . I also remembered that I needed to do the Sangre story update in Zette 's Storybook Blog . There were 60 plus pages of story to edit and code to go up , so that took awhile . But it was fun and the story made me laugh . So here is a bit of a snippet . He rode with Cailin , feeling an uncomfortable surge of worry . He wasn 't used to battles . He didn 't like the feel of going in with all the others , with so many lives on the line at one time . He hadn 't much liked this case from the start , now that he thought about it . He had come looking for an enemy , or at worst , a small group of people , who were responsible for what happened . Now he faced another assassin and a group of mercenaries . " Almost there , " Cailin said . She had been talking into the commlink and he really hadn 't listened . Maybe he should have paid more attention and know what was going on . He didn 't think it would help . This was not his kind of battle . He could see the hotels ahead , a line like gap - toothed teeth against a line of blue lake . It looked like a wonderful place for a vacation , but not the location where he wanted to fight a battle . If he told Cailin this wasn 't a good idea , he had no doubt she would pull back . It wasn 't a good idea . He knew it - - and yet , he knew that it wasn 't going to get better . " Zerod ? " she asked , looking into his face . " Go or not ? " " Go , " he said . He regretted it immediately , Posted by Well , we have a decision today . It 's not the one I would like , but it is one . Russ leaves for New York on Friday . He 'll be flying out ( he already has a ticket ) . He won 't be back until around Christmas , if he can make it then . I will be staying in this house . The furnace doesn 't work , but I have electric heaters and the water boiling on the stove helps quite a bit ( though everything is starting to get damp ! ) . So there we have it . My writing has not exactly been inspired the last couple days , but at least I got some done . Snippet : The Aquarium was a larger building than he had expected . Inside was a gate where a person used a credchit to pay the way in , but that would have too easily been traced . Royce signaled the guard over , who let them in through the private door . " The Chief Magistrate is waiting for you in Room A , sirs , " she said and nodded down a hall . She looked nervous , and Zerod had the ' feeling ' she knew how dangerous it was for the three of them to be meeting here . They walked down a hall lined with glass , behind which was water and things moving . Some were exotically colored - - far brighter and prettier than Zerod had expected , but it still gave him an odd chill to have all those alien eyes watching him as he passed . The door to Room A stood open and Cailin had settled herself in a chair where she could see it . She nodded a greeting to them , looking worried and excited at the same time . " I think I have them , " Cailin said after Royce had closed the door and before they had settled in the chairs near by . There was a glass wall to the right as well - - and more of the fish . Zerod could not put his back to them , so he settled across the table from Royce . Cailin was handing over her pocketcomp to her brother , but she turned to Zerod and nodded . " I think they 're out in a group of hotels out along the edge of town , up by the lake . It was hard to track , but I found that two of them have fake IDs and after that , it was a matter of trying to track their movements . They 're cagey bastards , though . They never got together , andPosted by Decisions ? We don 't need no stinkin ' Decisions . After all , we still have three more days , right ? ( Pounds head on the wall for a while . ) I think I am staying in this house . I have no idea where Russ will be . Yes , of course this is affecting my writing . I can 't remain concentrating on anything for more than a few minutes at a time . And in the greater picture , that really doesn 't matter all that much . So I 'm not writing a lot . I 'm sure we 'll all survive it . I also had to get the DAZ newsletter done today . That took a bit of work and I 'm not convinced I got it right . But I am done with everything for right now . It 's time to go get some sleep ! Maybe by tomorrow , I 'll have thought out an ending to this story , too . Oh and the picture ? That 's taken over my shoulder . It 's Zaphod where he likes to sleep on my chair behind me while I work . Silly cat . Snippet : " Your rooms , " Royce said , waving a hand toward the door . He seemed in a hurry to get away . " I 'll see you about eight in the morning . " He nodded and put his hand to the palm lock , having no doubt it was already keyed to him . The lights were already on inside , and he could see a large sitting room . The door to the bedroom was open . Movement . He reached for his laser - - and stopped . He knew who it was before she came fully into view . " Cailin . " " Zerod ? " she stepped out of the room , her own pistol in hand . " I didn 't expect to see you here . " " I could say the same , " he said . " But I should have expected it . " " Royce , " she said with a shake of her head . " He asked me to stay at the compound and he 'd set me up in a suite . " " And he said the same to me . " Zerod noted , finally , that Cailin wore only a light robe . " Should we be angry with him ? " " I don 't know . Maybe we should . . . . discuss it . " He followed her into the bedroom . She took him into her arms and pulled him down to the bed , even before he could slip out of his own clothing . He let her do part of the work , enjoying the exquisite torture of her fingers brushing against his skin . Her hands felt like magic , and he thought his must feel the same whePosted by Nothing is decided . Don 't know if Russ will take the New York job or the Omaha job . Don 't know if I will be in this house or the other house . Don 't know if we will have heat in either house . Have to have a decision and everything settled by Thursday . Can you say stress ? And yes , it began to take it 's toll on my writing the last few days . Today , I could not get moving for anything . I finally did something I probably should have done a few days ago . I started working on outline notes and writing them at the end of what I 'd already written . As I write the full story , those sections will be replaced , so it 's really not going to affect my word count in the end . I actually made progress on the story that way , and I think tomorrow I can get true writing done on the story . Or maybe I 'll work a little bit more on the outline and see if I can get it all the way to the end . So you get to see how it works for me . My snippet is the last two ( boring ) paragraphs I 'd written , and where I just coulnd 't go on . After that , you 'll find 8 outline sections . I had no idea I was going to write any of this until I got to it . I 'm looking forward to actually writing the scenes now . I actually have 36 sections written out now . I haven 't quite seen the ending yet . ( Although , just as I wrote that , another piece fell into place . ) How many words will these be when I actually write them ? I don 't know yet . This story has to be at least 50k , so I need ( taking the length without the outline ) about 23k more . Say 25k to be safe , and I think that means each section would have to be close to 700 words . Since I will have more sections , that count would go down . If I want the story to be more than 50k , the count will go up . Right now , I 'm just looking at 50k because my brain will not last through anything more stressful right now . So . . . . if I add another 14 sections ( not a huge amount ! ) then each section has to generate 500 words of story . Some can be more , some less , but that 's not really too bad when you take in dialogue , action , a few descriptions . This mighPosted by Glad they can rest through NaNo ! We are still uncertain what is going to happen next . Really . They made Russ and offer in Omaha , but it 's for only 20 hours a week . They think there will be more hours soon - - but for now , that 's it . Can we make it on that much plus the few hundred I bring in each month ? Probably not . There are some other part time freelance things that Russ might do as well . . . . but it looks as though all it would get us is in more trouble . We 're already too far over as it is . Ugh . So , at the moment , Russ leaves for New York , probably on Thanksgiving . And what about me ? I 'm here in a house with no heat and winter is setting in . We talked about it a long time tonight , and the plan - - if he goes to New York - - is to move me into the second house . We considered trying to rent it out , but that was too scary , to be honest . The house across the street rented for years , and the people who came and went were not good sometimes . Besides , we don 't think it would be enough to make the payment on it . We would try to sell it , but the market here ( along with the job market ) sucks . It 's one of those markets where you can tell the agent what color house , what side of the street and how many bedrooms , and the agent could find it for you . Besides , the house is not fully ours to sell . We are buying it on contract and we only have five more years of payments . The house I am in now has a broken furnace , little or no insulation , and some other really serious problems that have worried us - - but with Russ here , it was no problem if something went wrong . The other house has central heating and air , a basement ( helpful when those tornado warnings go off in the summer ) . It has a nice porch on the front and a cute little deck on the back , and a fully fenced yard . It 's smaller than this house , but we use most of this house to just stack things in boxes anyway . The good thing is that I won 't need to move much to get settled in there - - computer , desk , bed , food , some clothing and cats . The rest can stay here ( next door ) and I canPosted by We are running out of time here . Unless something drastically changes , Russ will be leaving for New York next Friday . I don 't know when he 'll be able to come back . It 's just not a good situation . There is a faint , little whisper of a hope that he might be offered a job tomorrow in Omaha . It has to be enough of a job to make this work , or else he has to take the job in New York . We are out of options . This , of course , affects every part of life . NaNo really doesn 't mean much when you 're faced with someone you 've lived with for thirty years moving away . We 're not even sure how we 're going to manage that , since I will need things here . My last check ( the only one I 'll have until the middle of next month again ) just went to keep things covered for a while longer . It did not cover the bills due now or buying food . We hope for a small check tomorrow . And we hope for a little miracle so that we can actually stay together . No matter what , we can 't both go . So , it 's a miserable time . We 'll get through it , but it 's not easy . Writing , as always , helps takes my mind off the troubling stuff , so that 's why I 'm still doing any work on NaNo at all . I don 't know if I 'll go on through the end of the month . We 'll see what happens , and how things settle . But here 's the snippet for the day . Oddly , this particular book seems to be going very well . I even have several notes for tomorrow 's work as well . * * * " Thank God you 're all right , " he said , and seemed to mean it . He 'd keyed on the pause again . " Thank God both of you are . You gave us one hell of a scare . " " My fault , sir . I knew that we were in a situation where the person behind all this had far too easy access to us . It was the best I could do to ensure we did get out alive . " " I 'm glad of it , " he said . " I think I know a little bit more now about how the original bombing was done , " Zerod said . He had the man 's attention . " It was much the same as what happened below the hotel . A robo - - probably a normal service type - - was already rigged with a trigger . Our person only had to aim it at a dooPosted by I have a headache . I have the kind of headache where I can 't even see right . I have just finished up other work ( mostly ) . I am going to bed . Here is a short excerpt . * * * " Do you think we 're going to find anything ? " Cailin asked . " Here ? I don 't know . Eventually , yes . Because I will not give up . " " You are far too devoted to your work , Zerod Argentine . " " And you think that 's why I don 't give up ? " he asked , glancing her way . They had little light , and that only from the robo 's panel . She gave him a quick look and then bowed her head . " My apologies . I keep thinking of you as something different than what you are . Assassin is a bad term , you know . " " It 's a good term . It relays to people that I will do what I need to , and that I am mandated by the Fringe Council to do so . People do take me seriously for it . " " Yes , they do that , " she agreed . " But it 's still not what you are . " " It is part of what I am . But we long ago gave up the work of being nothing but hired killers . There was not much work for that business - - or at least not the work we wanted to take on . " " I hadn 't considered it that way . I always supposed there was someone who wanted another dead . " " Always . But , because we accepted a mandate from the Fringe Council , we agreed to limit what we did to work where it would have been impossible for anyone else to catch the person . And we have to prove , beyond any doubt , that the person needed to be killed . It limits what we do . " " Ah . And makes you far more human . " " I imagine so . " He looked ahead , frowning . The tunnel was opening a little . He hurried a little more , glad to see they would at least be out of the confines of the tunnel . There would be a different access from upstairs , and he might find some information along that path if he found nothing here . They stepped into a large area filled with crates of some sort - - supplies or back ups , he couldn 't be certain . He saw the robo going for the door to the central core - - " Damn ! " Stupid mistake . He grabbed Cailin and threw her down behind the nearest crate as the door exploded . As you can tell , not a great day of writing . Far too much going on , and it 's going to get far worse before it gets better . The only good thing I can say is that I turned in a chapter for a nonfiction book tonight , so that 's done . I have other things dropping in on me though , and I honestly can 't keep up . I have been enjoying the new novel , though . There 's not enough sf to it , but it 's an interesting character study so far . I have finally figured out part of what 's going on . I 'm having fun telling the story . I 'll probably , at best , do about 5k a day from here on out . I still hope to have it done by the end of the month . Today 's snippet : He kept the sound down , and when the funeral ended , he closed down the link and got ready . He knew Cailin wouldn 't be long in arriving . And he was right . He 'd barely brushed his hair back and strapped on the dagger - - good to have it back - - when the door buzzed . He went over , cautious as ever , and checked . Royce Felisa stood outside , looking worn and a little impatient . He was not the person Zerod had expected , or even wanted , to see . However , he could find no reason to say no , and finally keyed it open . " Took you a moment there to decide , did it ? " Royce asked as he stepped in . " I 'm always slow to let in people I do not expect , " he answered and limped back to the bed to get his jacket . " Can I help you with anything ? " " You were a hard man to find . Luckily , having Felisa connections actually works on occasion . " He walked over and looked out , staring in silence for a moment . " It doesn 't matter how often I see it , I still can 't get myself to believe this has happened . I can 't figure out why . " " I wish I had an answer of some sort for you . " Royce looked back , frowning - - and then nodded . " You mean that . It 's not just words to you . " " Yes , I do . And not just because it 's my job . " He nodded again . " My father officially put me in charge of the Felisa Corporation Guards , at least for the time being . He doesn 't particularly think you 're going to find an answer , and he wants me to work on this as well . MyPosted by The count is good enough considering what a lousy day it was other wise . Chances are good that I 'll drop out of NaNo by the end of next week . Real life is going to take a drastic change about then , and I really don 't see how I 'll have the push to do something fun like NaNo . We 'll see . Here is today 's stuff : Zerod took the first path that headed toward the compound . It did not go straight , unfortunately , and he found himself in the dark depths of some overgrown garden . Catrina Park , the sign had said , dedicated to the woman who had been the founder of the first colony , and for whom the entire world had been named . She had not been a Felisa , but she married one when he arrived a few years later . They 'd done well . The world had not looked to be so promising , so they built their empire outward from it , and made Catrina the hub of activity . Most of the first generation they 'd mined the lesser worlds nearby and built up supplies of minerals and metals that new settlements needed . Profitable and wise . Other companies had come later to the fringe . It was wide enough that for five generations they didn 't do more than barb at each other on Newsline , or try to out maneuver the other in some deal . It was only in the last twenty years that things had gotten darker , and the new generation of owners was greedier than the previous groups . Soulless , Zerod thought , trudging down the path , trying to ignore the ache in his hip and how he couldn 't clearly see where he was going . He stayed to the path . He could feel how people traveled along here every day , none of them worried about the huge trees that stood over them . Sounds came from those trees . Birds and things , he supposed . The world was earth - like enough that they probably imported a number of such creatures . People tended to like them . He didn 't know why . He 'd even seen some on occasional domed colonies . Maybe it was just that primal instinct to have something from the Mother World that tied them back to her . He didn 't know . He didn 't feel it . The trees parted and he was within a fePosted by Today 's picture is a blue jay ! Welcome to book 3 . It is science fiction and at the moment it 's called Working for The Guild , but that will likely change later . The western is 51 , 703 words long . I had trouble with it - - not a surprise . About the final 8 , 000 words is a ' One Year Later ' story that really just has the same characters and more trouble . I 'll have to wait and see what I think of the entire thing in a few months . This book started out good . I have ideas for it , and I think I just figured something out about the antagonist . I 'm looking forward to working on it . Tomorrow . Tonight I 'm gong to get this posted , post some thing for work , send a couple work - related emails - - and get some sleep ! Here is the opening to the new book : Zerod frowned as he looked out through the spider web pattern across the permaglass window . It had taken a bad hit , but at least nothing had come through this far . Through the pattern of the glass he could see far worse . In the wing of the building that stretched out a hundred yards away , the metal stood in twisted piles , even the permaglass shattered or melted . No one in that part of the building had survived . He 'd read the report on the way in from Desmona Prime . He 'd seen holos of the scene . It did not live up to the real thing . Someone hated the Felisa Family . That wasn 't a real revelation . No group of people got as powerful as the Felisas without making enemies of all sorts . They were , after all , a company family , with their hands in far too much of the business in the ( something ) Fringe . Some said the fringe never would have survived without the Families who had come in and invested their fortunes - - and made fortunes in return . Zerod liked to think that they would have managed anyway . Humans were industrious little animals . They figured out ways to survive against the odds . Granted , it would not have been quite as comfortable without the Four Families , but he wasn 't sure comfort was worth the price sometimes . But even for all that - - the Felisa Family was the least troublesome of the famiPosted by For those who wondered about the bright red bird two days ago - - that 's a Northern Cardinal . We get a lot of them in this area . This is the female , which we don 't see nearly as often - - partly because they tend to blend into the background more than the males do . Today I got several shots of this one - - probably more shots of a female than I 'd taken in all the rest of my life . I also got some great shots of a blue jay today . You can see one on my picture a day bloghttp : / / zettepicaday . blogspot . com / I had a much better day of writing than I expected . Things fell together this afternoon , and it really helped . I 'm nearly done with story # 2 and already thinking about story # 3 . Another 3k and I 'll be at the minimum number of words for the story . I might just keep writing tonight ( after at least one ' real world ' job ) and see how close I can get to finishing . Here 's another short snippet . I know these aren 't the most interesting things I 've written , but that 's all right . I 've been experimenting with NaNo , and even if it isn 't the best writing , I 'm learning something about how I figure out characters . It 's been fun . And I have to say , after looking at one woman 's blogged story snippets , I feel far better about mine . She knows how to write - - but her vocabulary is limited , and she uses ' shit or fuck ' at least once in practically every sentence ( blog and story , for that matter ) . And the scenes are so incredibly boring anyway , that the language is about the only thing interesting - - and that gets old real fast . She seems to think she 's a genius . If that 's so , I guess I 'll just be happy to be a good writer - - even when I 'm not writing the best I ever have . ( grin ) Oh yeah . The snippet . Who knows - - by tomorrow night I might well be into another story entirely ! * * * * It was going to be another night camp and then tomorrow they 'd be to the pass and by noon - - if they got past that obstacle - - they 'd be to Santa Maria . Another half a day to the ranch . Tomorrow night at this time he 'd know if they were too late or not . There was one attaPosted by

That 's my desk at the end of NaNo . There . I 'm done with NaNo for the year . Not a bad count , by the end . There were more times this year that I thought just to give up on it than I 've ever have before . But I finished four stories - - Reflections , Storm , Working for the Guild and Gift . The last came in short , but since I 'm well over the minimum 50k to win , I don 't think it will matter much at all . I 'm glad to have a working draft done , at least . I was depressed when I got done and Russ wasn 't here to celebrate with . He 's always been great about doing stuff like that , and making me think it was important . He 's only been gone a week . It 's going to be a very long year . And it looks like we 're going to have a nasty storm tomorrow - - rain , sleet , freezing rain , snow . I am just so looking forward to this , and having to shovel snow for two houses . Russ always did it before . I 'm sure I didn 't appreciate it nearly enough . Now I have to go do a bunch of stuff for FM and get things ready for December . Then , I think , I 'm going to play with DAZ Studio for a while . And start work on the new newsletter , since I need to get to that pretty soon , too . So . . . . Still busy . Time to get to work , I guess . Last snippet - - from Gifts : Keshrin silenced him with a shake of his head , and then bent to lift the hilt of the sword that still lay on the stone road at their feet . " Peri , what is this ? " " A sword . " " What kind of sword ? Why did Civilis use it against you ? " " Because it is a Holy Sword , " Peri said and tried not to look at the broken blade and the little bit of blood there . " It is a broken Holy Sword . Why did it break ? " " Pardon ? " Keshrin picked up the other piece and held it as well . Peri looked down at it confused . He wasn 't up to playing these kinds of word games right now . " Peri , " Keshrin said looking into his face again . " Who broke the sword ? You ? " " No ! " " No , " Keshrin agreed . He looked into Peri 's face . " I believe it was the work of the gods , Perseus . I believe it no less than anyone else here . And if the gods stand by you , how can I not ? " Peri lookePosted by Only one day left . I think I 'll make the 200k at least . That is if I can wake up tomorrow and get to work . Or maybe I should just stay up tonight . No . I 'm tired . Sleep . Sleep is good . I can do another few thousand words tomorrow and make my goal . And then what will I do ? I have some other things to get caught up on . And I would like to play with the DAZ studio stuff again . I have an idea I 'd like to try , but I haven 't had time to do more than think about it . Okay , tonight 's scene is toward the end of Working for the Guild - - which did cross 50k today . I might add a little more to the opening . I had ideas . Or I might not . It depends on how the writing goes tomorrow and if I get fired up for it . I often do on the last day ! Snippet : He hadn 't been called to see Commander Vaddon in several months . That suited them both , he realized . They were not comfortable with one another - - not even in the distant sort of way they had been before . The few times he had come to this office , he always remembered his old battle with Starlin . How petty that seemed now . No one bothered him anymore . The woman at the desk merely nodded and he went into the office . Vaddon looked up from his desk - - and for a moment he had one of those uncomfortable flashbacks where it was Claudian who looked up . He grimaced and knew that Commander Vaddon had caught it . He looked uncomfortable , too . " Sit down . " He gave a quick bow of his head and did so , watching as Commander Vaddon sat back in his chair . He frowned and then nodded as though he had come to some decision . " The IWC are starting a task force to work on the mercenary problem , " he said . " They want to work with the Guild . You are the one who will be working with them . " " Me ? " he said , surprised - - truly surprised - - that Vaddon would trust him that much . " Yes , you . You cannot stay here - - you spread your attitude like a disease , Zerod . I 'm sorry , because you were a good assassin , but I cannot in good conscious send you out on an assignment that requires that kind of finesse and judgment . And you cannot stay Posted by That 's Zaphod , asleep behind me on the chair . It was hard to get the camera pointed at him without moving so much that I woke him up . Is that cute or what ? I finally - - finally - - got into the swing of writing tonight . That 's good , because other wise I wasn 't going to get done with the work . I think I 'm still going to write some more before I go to bed . I 'm barely going to make 200k , though , from the looks of it . I 'm running out of story . I don 't think Gift will be more than 40k - - and I really don 't care . The other three are 50k - - or at least they will be . I still have to write a couple thousand more for Guild . This was not my favorite NaNo , but it wasn 't NaNo 's fault . It was just not a good month . Oh , and I had a power outage today during a wind storm . That was really helpful . And the odd problem that came up with the newsletter . I spent several hours trying to track that one down since it had to go out today . I wish I could say that December is going to be better , but for many reasons it will not . Still hoping Russ will be home for Christmas though . Okay , it 's a bit after 3 am . I 'm going to do a little more writing and then sleep for a while . Here is today 's small snippet : " He 's always like that , " Brisen said . " If there weren 't the rest of us to take care of him , he 'd kill himself on some fool gesture to protect his friends . " " Survived to get here , " Peri said , trying to make light of the situation . " Be still , mage , " Brisen unexpectedly ordered . " And I think you only survived this long because you had no friends to protect . " That silenced him with realization that the man was right . It stunned him . " Peri ? " Brisan said , concerned . " Just - - hadn 't thought about that before . They were on even ground , and it was easier . " Never had friends before I washed up on the Kalia shore . " " None ? " " " I was - - am - - a half breed mage . " " Childhood friends ? " Brisen asked , perhaps distracting himself with the conversation . He looked like he was starting to falter with exhaustion , and Cattalus couldn 't be much stronger , though perhaps more uPosted by Only three days left . I 'm glad . I don 't think I could take much more of a month like this . I started with an injured wrist , which worried me . Oddly , it didn 't bother me nearly as much as I expected . Well , not until I jammed my arm against something yesterday , and now it 's been hurting like hell again . Gah . I still got quite a bit of writing done , so it 's not nearly as bad as it was in October . But it is still annoying . Of course , everything is annoying right now . I can 't say I 've enjoyed this NaNo nearly as much as I have the ones in the past , but I don 't think it was the fault of NaNo or even the books I 've worked on . For obvious reasons , I 've not been in a good mood . I don 't know if it 's going to improve much or not , but I think having NaNo done will be a help . I 'm going to finish Guild , and I likely will reach the 200k mark , but I 'm not certain I 'll have Gift done . Probably close , though . I 'll be spending most of the last days doing nothing but writing . Hmmm . . . . maybe that doesn 't sound so bad after all . We 're supposed to have a wind storm and snow tomorrow . With my luck , we 'll lose power . It 's been that kind of month , you know . I 'm tired tonight . I think I 'm going to be going to bed before dawn for a change . Sounds like a good plan to me ! Snippet of Gift : He crossed to the table and pulled out a chair - - and pushed Peri down into it before he took the chair to the right . The Lords and servants were looking increasingly distressed , but it was the look of worry on Keshrin 's face that drew all of Peri 's attention . The others had found their seats and a silence fell across the room . " Is there trouble , Your Highness ? " Valerian asked , leaning forward to see the king . " All kinds of trouble , " he said , and ran a hand over his hair - - a nervous gesture not lost on anyone else here . " We have word from the border . Toru has gathered another Tasali army , and he 's invaded the north of Kalia again . Words is that this is no small landing force , either . " " Heading south , " Valerian said and won a nod from Keshrin . " Are the Kalians putPosted by Late . It keeps getting later every night , I think . It 's coming up on 4 am . I 'm tired . I 'm cropping in the opening to the last book I 'm working on . I 'm not sure I 'm going to get it done during NaNo , but I 'm doing alright with it . The other one - - Working for the Guild - - is still moving , but so slowly that I 'd have a hard time getting a good snippet it out of it . I just hope it makes 50k or I 'm going to be very unhappy with it . So here is the opening from Gift : The night came , a cold black Tasal night in the depths of the endless winter , where the sun slept beyond the edge of the world , and never showed himself . The icy winter remained without relief , and the snows blew through days that were lost in the darkness of time . Here only the cold white of snow and the darkness of eternal death reigned , and few survived . Only the strong came out of the north of Tasal . So they sat and waited , the five men . They huddled in the cave and watched the far peak across the snowfield , where the red fires of the God Abaddon burned bright . The vigil of the endless day and night was their sacred duty and they came here to live by their wits , far from the protection of the tribes and villages . They were the Chosen , whom even a chieftain would not defy , and they lived like animals in the cave , fighting with the wolf for the kill . There had been unease in the world . They waited now for a sign to show victory or loss . The sign came finally . Loss . The red fires of Abaddon flared and died - - and in all the eons of Tasali Legends , the Power of Abaddon had never failed here in the heartland of his believers . For a breathless moment the five watched the darkness with a mixture of awe and fear - - though none of them would have admitted to the last . The fire flickered again ; less now , but not dead . A cold wind blew with the moan of a thousand dead , and somewhere too close to the cave , the wolves howled in dismay . For a dozen heartbeats all had been lost and Tasal had been without Shaman , Power and God . But the light had returned , so that the God was nPosted by This has been a long week . I did , finally , get somewhat into the swing of things today . I wrote 5k , and even got the DAZ newsletter finished . Finding the right pattern to doing things so that it fills up time is difficult . But here it is at 2 am , and I am finally getting the last of the work done and preparing to upload things for the night and go to bed . Writing the Working for the Guild book is taking odd turns . I have a nice little outline still , but I keep thinking of things that I should write about farther back in the novel . I 'm not doing it , though . I want to get this one to 50k and let it sit for a while , because I can see that there is a lot of interesting side material to explore . Instead , I 'm just tacking all these notes on to the end of the work . The other book , Gift , has been very helpful . I can write on it and feel like I 'm making some progress . It 's a light little story , unlike Guild , and easy to push ahead . I need that right now . So here is a little snippet : Cailin stepped forward and put a hand on the woman 's shoulder , steadying her . Kenzie couldn 't speak . Her body trembled . She looked up again , this time at Zerod . " I couldn 't think straight . I couldn 't do anything but move along with the others , fearing that they 'd learn it was my fault . And then you arrived , and I thought you were just another one of the group . They were still contacting me , demanding payment . I couldn 't . I couldn 't give them anything before , and less so now . I wanted them to kill me . I wanted it over with . Instead , they said they would make an example of Felisa Corporation so that the others would know better than to try and back out on them . " She reached into her pocket and held out a small chit . Her hand trembled so much that Cailin had to catch hold of it to take the chit , and she held on afterwards , when it was apparent that Kenzie was slipping faster toward collapse . " That - - that 's a copy of the chit I gave to the IWC woman . It 's everything . I 've even added the last few conversations that came . . . . afterwards . I just - - I - - " CPosted by A long day . I suspect they all will be for the indefinite future . I have talked to no one but the cats . I wonder how many days I 'll go before I actually talk to another human . It might be an interesting experiment . I couldn 't get going on Working for the Guild . It wasn 't like I didn 't know what would come next or anything like that . I just didn 't care - - but that 's obviously a personal attitude and has nothing to do with the story . It was the same for everything I did today . I did end up doing something odd with writing though . I sorted through some old stuff and found a very old story that I decided to rewrite from scratch . This story is so faded I can hardly make out some of the writing , so it 's kind of interesting . I read a page or two and then I got to work typing up the story in a new version . It 's like having a very complex outline to work with . What was odd , though , was that after I 'd written about 1000 words on Gift , I was suddenly able to go back and work on the other book again , and it moved along quite nicely . I probably shouldn 't count it for NaNo , though at this point ( 160k ) , it hardly matters either way , I suppose . As long as Guild makes it to 50K to be counted as a completed NaNo work , that 's all that matters . And it 's close , so I 'm not worried . Snippet : They went to Claudian 's office . The door stood open , Royce just inside , watching for them . He looked grim . Claudian was standing by the window - - not safe , but then none of it was , so Zerod said nothing at all . Kenzie sat in a chair by the desk , looking pale and haggard . They should have gotten her out before now . He could see the smoke from what must have been a downed aircar off beyond the perimeter of the compound , and the movement of people down below . Their people , he knew - - but it still made him nervous . And there , in the ruins from the first bombing , the robos still worked at sifting through the debris and stacking it to be taken away . It was an odd sight . " I don 't understand , " Claudian said , finally looking away from the window . He looked toward tPosted by Russ left this morning about six . He 's already in New York . Sigh . It 's going to be a long month before I see him again . I 've already found myself at the front door , checking to see if the car was in the driveway and he was next door . And even when he comes home , it will only be for a day or two , and then he 'll be gone again . I really hate this . And I don 't want to go to bed tonight . But the day went quickly anyway . If the rest go like this , I 'll manage all right . If I can focus again on writing , it will help . That didn 't happen today , but it might . I got most of my words today by writing out an infodump of information that I should have considered before now - - how the Assassin 's Guild came into place , a bit of the history , etc . It was the most enjoyment I 've had in writing in a few days , so that was good . I also worked again on the picture above . I 've been toying at this one for a while . That 's my current ' vision ' of Zerod . I have the DAZ newsletter to do this weekend . I have absolutely no idea what I 'm going to write about for it . Lucky for me , it only takes a few hundred words , otherwise , I might not have the ability to do it at all . Snippet : Once out of the sight of the others , Zerod shoved the scanner away and moved based on what he felt . There were not many traces of his quarry , but he didn 't have time to linger along the way and try to feel out more . He found the first trap and quickly disarmed the almost paper thin sheet on the floor that would have set off a bomb in the wall . The next one was not much farther along the way . He knelt to work on this one - - and then rolled and fired . He caught the man in the arm . He hissed in pain and retreated so quickly , Zerod could hardly mark which way on the cross hall that he 'd gone . " There 's a trap down the main corridor , nearly to the stairs . I 'll leave a shoe by it . It 's clear that far . Be careful . " " Let 's hope you don 't find too many traps , " Royce said . " You don 't have that many pieces of clothing . " " Oh , now that could be interesting , " Cailin added . And it made him smile , Posted by Russ leaves in a few hours . Sigh . So , no , I don 't have much to say . I wrote a little today . Not much . I hope this next month goes fast . Today 's Snippet : Sunset was not long away . He could see the colors changing in the sky already . When had he gotten used to that sort of marker for time ? He hadn 't been on this world for very long , and yet - - oddly - - he felt as though he had started adapting to it . He 'd never done that before . Cailin . That was the reason . They spent the nights together , and he had started , perhaps , to feel too much of her attachment to the world . He could see it even now in her eyes as he carefully climbed into the aircar and settled into the seat beside her . He was grateful to stop moving again . Collins started to climb in . Royce stopped him . " Not with the three of us . " " Royce - - " he began . " No . It 's not safe and we all know it . " " Then why are the three of you going in the same aircar ? " " Because better to have one aircar shot down with only us in it , then three shot down , " Zerod answered him . " Find another way . We 'll see you at the Compound . " Royce swung the door closed before the medtech could say anything more . He didn 't look happy , but he stepped away . Cailin , at the controls took them up and locked them into the grid . She did not , Zerod was glad to see , lock them straight to the Compound . That would have been far too obvious . " You gave us a hell of a scare , Zerod , " Cailin said . " We came through it . Now we have to decide what to do next . " " We don 't know how many more there are . We don 't know what they plan now that we 've taken out some of their forces , " Royce said , leaning forward from behind the two - - at least as far as the belt would allow . " But we did take down their numbers and we did lessen their weapons piles . We have to believe that will help . " " I want to know where the assassin is , " Zerod said . He stared out , as though he could see find him , just looking at the city . We have heat in the house . This is good . It was a very cold day . We 'll be billed for it later . The part cost $ 400 - - which we don 't have , of course . But we will . Russ leaves on Friday . This is a traumatic , depressing and somewhat frightening idea . He won 't be back until Christmas , if he can get home then . After the furnace was fixed , we spent the time going to the store and trying to make sure I had enough supplies to get by for a month . I know it will go pretty fast , really . It 's just that it 's only the first month . There are so many after that , stretching off into who knows how long . We 've been together for thirty years . It 's not going to be easy . Little snippet , because I 'm not writing much . Or writing well , for that matter : Cailin and Zerod didn 't waste time . The only hope they had was that they had arrived unseen , and wasting that until someone spotted them was useless . Zerod had never been part of a straight forward attack before . He had never planned to be . He was reminded again that his work , while deadly enough and dangerous , didn 't include running straight at people with weapons . He kept close to Cailin , though only partly to protect her . She had her sensor set to read the hot points of laser weapons , and by that he could pick out all the weapons in the area and see where the enemy was . They ran in - - it was unnatural and it was frightening - - and if he hadn 't known a friend was in danger on the other side , he might have been slower to rush in . And the concept of friend seemed odd all on its own . He was quick to pick his targets - - to choose the ones the others might have more trouble hitting . He was good at his work , and as long as he kept his head now , he did all right . Do his work . And his work sense screamed that this was wrong . The moment the enemy began to retreat , he felt an even stronger sense of trouble than he had before . Something wrong - - Royce was working his way out of the alley , ready for trouble still as well . He looked relieved as Zerod and Cailin worked their way closer . It had been a close call . Posted by When I got up , the house was cold . I thought at first , that the weather must have taken a really drastic turn for the worse . The cats were not happy . And neither was I when I realized the reason it was so cold is one of the electric heaters had stopped working . Great . No furnace and now the heaters are giving out . I finally had to take the one from my office and put it out in the living room because it was just far too cold . So now it 's really cold in my office . We tried to move me out there , but we can 't find either the long cable or the wireless card we had for the computer . I am really starting to get annoyed . I didn 't write a lot today . It 's not only because of this . I also remembered that I needed to do the Sangre story update in Zette 's Storybook Blog . There were 60 plus pages of story to edit and code to go up , so that took awhile . But it was fun and the story made me laugh . So here is a bit of a snippet . He rode with Cailin , feeling an uncomfortable surge of worry . He wasn 't used to battles . He didn 't like the feel of going in with all the others , with so many lives on the line at one time . He hadn 't much liked this case from the start , now that he thought about it . He had come looking for an enemy , or at worst , a small group of people , who were responsible for what happened . Now he faced another assassin and a group of mercenaries . " Almost there , " Cailin said . She had been talking into the commlink and he really hadn 't listened . Maybe he should have paid more attention and know what was going on . He didn 't think it would help . This was not his kind of battle . He could see the hotels ahead , a line like gap - toothed teeth against a line of blue lake . It looked like a wonderful place for a vacation , but not the location where he wanted to fight a battle . If he told Cailin this wasn 't a good idea , he had no doubt she would pull back . It wasn 't a good idea . He knew it - - and yet , he knew that it wasn 't going to get better . " Zerod ? " she asked , looking into his face . " Go or not ? " " Go , " he said . He regretted it immediately , Posted by Well , we have a decision today . It 's not the one I would like , but it is one . Russ leaves for New York on Friday . He 'll be flying out ( he already has a ticket ) . He won 't be back until around Christmas , if he can make it then . I will be staying in this house . The furnace doesn 't work , but I have electric heaters and the water boiling on the stove helps quite a bit ( though everything is starting to get damp ! ) . So there we have it . My writing has not exactly been inspired the last couple days , but at least I got some done . Snippet : The Aquarium was a larger building than he had expected . Inside was a gate where a person used a credchit to pay the way in , but that would have too easily been traced . Royce signaled the guard over , who let them in through the private door . " The Chief Magistrate is waiting for you in Room A , sirs , " she said and nodded down a hall . She looked nervous , and Zerod had the ' feeling ' she knew how dangerous it was for the three of them to be meeting here . They walked down a hall lined with glass , behind which was water and things moving . Some were exotically colored - - far brighter and prettier than Zerod had expected , but it still gave him an odd chill to have all those alien eyes watching him as he passed . The door to Room A stood open and Cailin had settled herself in a chair where she could see it . She nodded a greeting to them , looking worried and excited at the same time . " I think I have them , " Cailin said after Royce had closed the door and before they had settled in the chairs near by . There was a glass wall to the right as well - - and more of the fish . Zerod could not put his back to them , so he settled across the table from Royce . Cailin was handing over her pocketcomp to her brother , but she turned to Zerod and nodded . " I think they 're out in a group of hotels out along the edge of town , up by the lake . It was hard to track , but I found that two of them have fake IDs and after that , it was a matter of trying to track their movements . They 're cagey bastards , though . They never got together , andPosted by Decisions ? We don 't need no stinkin ' Decisions . After all , we still have three more days , right ? ( Pounds head on the wall for a while . ) I think I am staying in this house . I have no idea where Russ will be . Yes , of course this is affecting my writing . I can 't remain concentrating on anything for more than a few minutes at a time . And in the greater picture , that really doesn 't matter all that much . So I 'm not writing a lot . I 'm sure we 'll all survive it . I also had to get the DAZ newsletter done today . That took a bit of work and I 'm not convinced I got it right . But I am done with everything for right now . It 's time to go get some sleep ! Maybe by tomorrow , I 'll have thought out an ending to this story , too . Oh and the picture ? That 's taken over my shoulder . It 's Zaphod where he likes to sleep on my chair behind me while I work . Silly cat . Snippet : " Your rooms , " Royce said , waving a hand toward the door . He seemed in a hurry to get away . " I 'll see you about eight in the morning . " He nodded and put his hand to the palm lock , having no doubt it was already keyed to him . The lights were already on inside , and he could see a large sitting room . The door to the bedroom was open . Movement . He reached for his laser - - and stopped . He knew who it was before she came fully into view . " Cailin . " " Zerod ? " she stepped out of the room , her own pistol in hand . " I didn 't expect to see you here . " " I could say the same , " he said . " But I should have expected it . " " Royce , " she said with a shake of her head . " He asked me to stay at the compound and he 'd set me up in a suite . " " And he said the same to me . " Zerod noted , finally , that Cailin wore only a light robe . " Should we be angry with him ? " " I don 't know . Maybe we should . . . . discuss it . " He followed her into the bedroom . She took him into her arms and pulled him down to the bed , even before he could slip out of his own clothing . He let her do part of the work , enjoying the exquisite torture of her fingers brushing against his skin . Her hands felt like magic , and he thought his must feel the same whePosted by Nothing is decided . Don 't know if Russ will take the New York job or the Omaha job . Don 't know if I will be in this house or the other house . Don 't know if we will have heat in either house . Have to have a decision and everything settled by Thursday . Can you say stress ? And yes , it began to take it 's toll on my writing the last few days . Today , I could not get moving for anything . I finally did something I probably should have done a few days ago . I started working on outline notes and writing them at the end of what I 'd already written . As I write the full story , those sections will be replaced , so it 's really not going to affect my word count in the end . I actually made progress on the story that way , and I think tomorrow I can get true writing done on the story . Or maybe I 'll work a little bit more on the outline and see if I can get it all the way to the end . So you get to see how it works for me . My snippet is the last two ( boring ) paragraphs I 'd written , and where I just coulnd 't go on . After that , you 'll find 8 outline sections . I had no idea I was going to write any of this until I got to it . I 'm looking forward to actually writing the scenes now . I actually have 36 sections written out now . I haven 't quite seen the ending yet . ( Although , just as I wrote that , another piece fell into place . ) How many words will these be when I actually write them ? I don 't know yet . This story has to be at least 50k , so I need ( taking the length without the outline ) about 23k more . Say 25k to be safe , and I think that means each section would have to be close to 700 words . Since I will have more sections , that count would go down . If I want the story to be more than 50k , the count will go up . Right now , I 'm just looking at 50k because my brain will not last through anything more stressful right now . So . . . . if I add another 14 sections ( not a huge amount ! ) then each section has to generate 500 words of story . Some can be more , some less , but that 's not really too bad when you take in dialogue , action , a few descriptions . This mighPosted by Glad they can rest through NaNo ! We are still uncertain what is going to happen next . Really . They made Russ and offer in Omaha , but it 's for only 20 hours a week . They think there will be more hours soon - - but for now , that 's it . Can we make it on that much plus the few hundred I bring in each month ? Probably not . There are some other part time freelance things that Russ might do as well . . . . but it looks as though all it would get us is in more trouble . We 're already too far over as it is . Ugh . So , at the moment , Russ leaves for New York , probably on Thanksgiving . And what about me ? I 'm here in a house with no heat and winter is setting in . We talked about it a long time tonight , and the plan - - if he goes to New York - - is to move me into the second house . We considered trying to rent it out , but that was too scary , to be honest . The house across the street rented for years , and the people who came and went were not good sometimes . Besides , we don 't think it would be enough to make the payment on it . We would try to sell it , but the market here ( along with the job market ) sucks . It 's one of those markets where you can tell the agent what color house , what side of the street and how many bedrooms , and the agent could find it for you . Besides , the house is not fully ours to sell . We are buying it on contract and we only have five more years of payments . The house I am in now has a broken furnace , little or no insulation , and some other really serious problems that have worried us - - but with Russ here , it was no problem if something went wrong . The other house has central heating and air , a basement ( helpful when those tornado warnings go off in the summer ) . It has a nice porch on the front and a cute little deck on the back , and a fully fenced yard . It 's smaller than this house , but we use most of this house to just stack things in boxes anyway . The good thing is that I won 't need to move much to get settled in there - - computer , desk , bed , food , some clothing and cats . The rest can stay here ( next door ) and I canPosted by We are running out of time here . Unless something drastically changes , Russ will be leaving for New York next Friday . I don 't know when he 'll be able to come back . It 's just not a good situation . There is a faint , little whisper of a hope that he might be offered a job tomorrow in Omaha . It has to be enough of a job to make this work , or else he has to take the job in New York . We are out of options . This , of course , affects every part of life . NaNo really doesn 't mean much when you 're faced with someone you 've lived with for thirty years moving away . We 're not even sure how we 're going to manage that , since I will need things here . My last check ( the only one I 'll have until the middle of next month again ) just went to keep things covered for a while longer . It did not cover the bills due now or buying food . We hope for a small check tomorrow . And we hope for a little miracle so that we can actually stay together . No matter what , we can 't both go . So , it 's a miserable time . We 'll get through it , but it 's not easy . Writing , as always , helps takes my mind off the troubling stuff , so that 's why I 'm still doing any work on NaNo at all . I don 't know if I 'll go on through the end of the month . We 'll see what happens , and how things settle . But here 's the snippet for the day . Oddly , this particular book seems to be going very well . I even have several notes for tomorrow 's work as well . * * * " Thank God you 're all right , " he said , and seemed to mean it . He 'd keyed on the pause again . " Thank God both of you are . You gave us one hell of a scare . " " My fault , sir . I knew that we were in a situation where the person behind all this had far too easy access to us . It was the best I could do to ensure we did get out alive . " " I 'm glad of it , " he said . " I think I know a little bit more now about how the original bombing was done , " Zerod said . He had the man 's attention . " It was much the same as what happened below the hotel . A robo - - probably a normal service type - - was already rigged with a trigger . Our person only had to aim it at a dooPosted by I have a headache . I have the kind of headache where I can 't even see right . I have just finished up other work ( mostly ) . I am going to bed . Here is a short excerpt . * * * " Do you think we 're going to find anything ? " Cailin asked . " Here ? I don 't know . Eventually , yes . Because I will not give up . " " You are far too devoted to your work , Zerod Argentine . " " And you think that 's why I don 't give up ? " he asked , glancing her way . They had little light , and that only from the robo 's panel . She gave him a quick look and then bowed her head . " My apologies . I keep thinking of you as something different than what you are . Assassin is a bad term , you know . " " It 's a good term . It relays to people that I will do what I need to , and that I am mandated by the Fringe Council to do so . People do take me seriously for it . " " Yes , they do that , " she agreed . " But it 's still not what you are . " " It is part of what I am . But we long ago gave up the work of being nothing but hired killers . There was not much work for that business - - or at least not the work we wanted to take on . " " I hadn 't considered it that way . I always supposed there was someone who wanted another dead . " " Always . But , because we accepted a mandate from the Fringe Council , we agreed to limit what we did to work where it would have been impossible for anyone else to catch the person . And we have to prove , beyond any doubt , that the person needed to be killed . It limits what we do . " " Ah . And makes you far more human . " " I imagine so . " He looked ahead , frowning . The tunnel was opening a little . He hurried a little more , glad to see they would at least be out of the confines of the tunnel . There would be a different access from upstairs , and he might find some information along that path if he found nothing here . They stepped into a large area filled with crates of some sort - - supplies or back ups , he couldn 't be certain . He saw the robo going for the door to the central core - - " Damn ! " Stupid mistake . He grabbed Cailin and threw her down behind the nearest crate as the door exploded . As you can tell , not a great day of writing . Far too much going on , and it 's going to get far worse before it gets better . The only good thing I can say is that I turned in a chapter for a nonfiction book tonight , so that 's done . I have other things dropping in on me though , and I honestly can 't keep up . I have been enjoying the new novel , though . There 's not enough sf to it , but it 's an interesting character study so far . I have finally figured out part of what 's going on . I 'm having fun telling the story . I 'll probably , at best , do about 5k a day from here on out . I still hope to have it done by the end of the month . Today 's snippet : He kept the sound down , and when the funeral ended , he closed down the link and got ready . He knew Cailin wouldn 't be long in arriving . And he was right . He 'd barely brushed his hair back and strapped on the dagger - - good to have it back - - when the door buzzed . He went over , cautious as ever , and checked . Royce Felisa stood outside , looking worn and a little impatient . He was not the person Zerod had expected , or even wanted , to see . However , he could find no reason to say no , and finally keyed it open . " Took you a moment there to decide , did it ? " Royce asked as he stepped in . " I 'm always slow to let in people I do not expect , " he answered and limped back to the bed to get his jacket . " Can I help you with anything ? " " You were a hard man to find . Luckily , having Felisa connections actually works on occasion . " He walked over and looked out , staring in silence for a moment . " It doesn 't matter how often I see it , I still can 't get myself to believe this has happened . I can 't figure out why . " " I wish I had an answer of some sort for you . " Royce looked back , frowning - - and then nodded . " You mean that . It 's not just words to you . " " Yes , I do . And not just because it 's my job . " He nodded again . " My father officially put me in charge of the Felisa Corporation Guards , at least for the time being . He doesn 't particularly think you 're going to find an answer , and he wants me to work on this as well . MyPosted by The count is good enough considering what a lousy day it was other wise . Chances are good that I 'll drop out of NaNo by the end of next week . Real life is going to take a drastic change about then , and I really don 't see how I 'll have the push to do something fun like NaNo . We 'll see . Here is today 's stuff : Zerod took the first path that headed toward the compound . It did not go straight , unfortunately , and he found himself in the dark depths of some overgrown garden . Catrina Park , the sign had said , dedicated to the woman who had been the founder of the first colony , and for whom the entire world had been named . She had not been a Felisa , but she married one when he arrived a few years later . They 'd done well . The world had not looked to be so promising , so they built their empire outward from it , and made Catrina the hub of activity . Most of the first generation they 'd mined the lesser worlds nearby and built up supplies of minerals and metals that new settlements needed . Profitable and wise . Other companies had come later to the fringe . It was wide enough that for five generations they didn 't do more than barb at each other on Newsline , or try to out maneuver the other in some deal . It was only in the last twenty years that things had gotten darker , and the new generation of owners was greedier than the previous groups . Soulless , Zerod thought , trudging down the path , trying to ignore the ache in his hip and how he couldn 't clearly see where he was going . He stayed to the path . He could feel how people traveled along here every day , none of them worried about the huge trees that stood over them . Sounds came from those trees . Birds and things , he supposed . The world was earth - like enough that they probably imported a number of such creatures . People tended to like them . He didn 't know why . He 'd even seen some on occasional domed colonies . Maybe it was just that primal instinct to have something from the Mother World that tied them back to her . He didn 't know . He didn 't feel it . The trees parted and he was within a fePosted by Today 's picture is a blue jay ! Welcome to book 3 . It is science fiction and at the moment it 's called Working for The Guild , but that will likely change later . The western is 51 , 703 words long . I had trouble with it - - not a surprise . About the final 8 , 000 words is a ' One Year Later ' story that really just has the same characters and more trouble . I 'll have to wait and see what I think of the entire thing in a few months . This book started out good . I have ideas for it , and I think I just figured something out about the antagonist . I 'm looking forward to working on it . Tomorrow . Tonight I 'm gong to get this posted , post some thing for work , send a couple work - related emails - - and get some sleep ! Here is the opening to the new book : Zerod frowned as he looked out through the spider web pattern across the permaglass window . It had taken a bad hit , but at least nothing had come through this far . Through the pattern of the glass he could see far worse . In the wing of the building that stretched out a hundred yards away , the metal stood in twisted piles , even the permaglass shattered or melted . No one in that part of the building had survived . He 'd read the report on the way in from Desmona Prime . He 'd seen holos of the scene . It did not live up to the real thing . Someone hated the Felisa Family . That wasn 't a real revelation . No group of people got as powerful as the Felisas without making enemies of all sorts . They were , after all , a company family , with their hands in far too much of the business in the ( something ) Fringe . Some said the fringe never would have survived without the Families who had come in and invested their fortunes - - and made fortunes in return . Zerod liked to think that they would have managed anyway . Humans were industrious little animals . They figured out ways to survive against the odds . Granted , it would not have been quite as comfortable without the Four Families , but he wasn 't sure comfort was worth the price sometimes . But even for all that - - the Felisa Family was the least troublesome of the famiPosted by For those who wondered about the bright red bird two days ago - - that 's a Northern Cardinal . We get a lot of them in this area . This is the female , which we don 't see nearly as often - - partly because they tend to blend into the background more than the males do . Today I got several shots of this one - - probably more shots of a female than I 'd taken in all the rest of my life . I also got some great shots of a blue jay today . You can see one on my picture a day bloghttp : / / zettepicaday . blogspot . com / I had a much better day of writing than I expected . Things fell together this afternoon , and it really helped . I 'm nearly done with story # 2 and already thinking about story # 3 . Another 3k and I 'll be at the minimum number of words for the story . I might just keep writing tonight ( after at least one ' real world ' job ) and see how close I can get to finishing . Here 's another short snippet . I know these aren 't the most interesting things I 've written , but that 's all right . I 've been experimenting with NaNo , and even if it isn 't the best writing , I 'm learning something about how I figure out characters . It 's been fun . And I have to say , after looking at one woman 's blogged story snippets , I feel far better about mine . She knows how to write - - but her vocabulary is limited , and she uses ' shit or fuck ' at least once in practically every sentence ( blog and story , for that matter ) . And the scenes are so incredibly boring anyway , that the language is about the only thing interesting - - and that gets old real fast . She seems to think she 's a genius . If that 's so , I guess I 'll just be happy to be a good writer - - even when I 'm not writing the best I ever have . ( grin ) Oh yeah . The snippet . Who knows - - by tomorrow night I might well be into another story entirely ! * * * * It was going to be another night camp and then tomorrow they 'd be to the pass and by noon - - if they got past that obstacle - - they 'd be to Santa Maria . Another half a day to the ranch . Tomorrow night at this time he 'd know if they were too late or not . There was one attaPosted by

Parker is up and down , up and down . Popcorn , bathroom ( twice ) , kid in front of him sitting on his knees , blocking the screen . I tell him to get Zoe to handle it , which she does . " Yes they did . It 's on all the movie night posters . And remember the conversation we had tonight where I asked you three times if you really wanted to watch Mary Poppins ? " When a relationship ends , it can be tough . This is especially true if you 're still Facebook friends with your ex , and you get to see photos of them , and all the fun they are having ( without you ) day in and day out . It tends to make some people a little … crazy . It 's funny how you can hear songs over and over for many years and never stop to think about what it 's really saying . Then one day , you catch a phrase and say to yourself , " Whoa . Wait … did that just say what I think it said ? " Maybe it was a thing in the 80 's to be open about your stalking . Maybe it was a trend and I just didn 't realize it until now . At least these days most stalking is done online , from the comfort of their living room . They aren 't having to skulk around in their obsession 's back yard . So after thinking about it for a couple days , I have compiled my playlist for the creepers and stalkers out there . I 'm not saying the songs aren 't catchy . I know and have been mindlessly singing the lyrics for 30 years . But I 'm pretty sure I will never hear them the same way again … " I will have you , yes I will have you . I will find a way and I will have you . Like a butterfly , a wild butterfly , I will collect you and capture you . " " I want you to want me . I need you to need me . I 'd love you to love me . I 'm begging you to beg me . " Caution : If you hate anything that has to do with Valentine 's Day , you 're gonna want to stop reading this post now , because I had a GREAT Valentine 's Day . I spent it with one of my biggest musical crushes - Brian McKnight . Oh , and my husband was there too , don 't worry . About six weeks ago , I found out that Brian McKnight was coming to Emerald Queen Casino in Tacoma , WA for a Valentine 's Day concert . While I was excited , I didn 't have high hopes that my husband would go for spending Valentine 's day at an R & B concert in a casino . I underestimated his relief at not having to plan Valentine 's day surpassing his lack of desire to go to this concert . For those of you unfamiliar with Brian McKnight , his first album came out in 1992 . I became obsessed with this CD . I knew every song front to back . My husband and I started dating a few months after it was released , and many of the songs made it onto various " mix tapes " I made for him . This past Christmas a group of us sat around playing a conversation game . One of the questions was " If you could sing a duet with anyone , who would it be ? " My answer , without hesitation : Brian McKnight . I bought the best tickets still available and made hotel reservations . We didn 't think about making dinner reservations until last Monday . I looked up restaurants near the hotel , and called the one with the best reviews . The woman on the other end of the line laughed condescendingly , and then said , " Oh , honey , no , we 've been booked up for a while . " I asked her if she had any suggestions , since we were at the hotel next door . She said , " Oh , well we have a relationship with the hotel , so here 's what I will do . Come here at around 5 , tell the girl at the desk that you are staying at the hotel , and that you have a concert to get to . We will do our best . " Meanwhile , my husband began making comments about going to a thrift shop to look for a velvet jacket to wear to the concert . I thought he was kidding . I hoped he was kidding . He was not kidding . He said , " I can 't go to a 90 's R & B concert at a casino NOT wearing a velvet jacket . " Unfortunately , my group didn 't agree , and refused to pray for that . In fact , I am pretty sure my friend Lisa actually prayed that he WOULD find one . She said , " You 'll thank us some day . " And " I 'll bet there are a number of us who would actually chip in for the jacket . I 'm in for $ 10 . " Friday ( Valentine 's Day ) was a bit chaotic . Zoe was upset with me because I had posted the photos of the Valentine 's Day table decorations on Facebook , so she saw them online before she came down in the morning . Parker kept eating chocolate instead of getting breakfast , so by the time I sent him out the door he was in full blown " Parker " mode . After school I threw everything plus Zoe and Parker into the car and drove out to my parents ' house , where the kids would be spending the night . Jeff was already in Seattle , so he headed south to the hotel and got there well before me . I was stuck in pretty bad traffic for over 2 hours . I tried not to stress , and just told myself that if dinner plans didn 't work out , it wasn 't the end of the world . He had gone to the restaurant at about 430 and put our name on the list . I didn 't get to the hotel until 530 . We got to the restaurant and only had to wait a short time , since he 'd already been in and called to let them know my progress . Sydney called me and asked where I had put the recipe for the chicken enchiladas she was attempting to make for her friends , and I realized I had forgotten to write it down . Attempting to ignore the glares from across the table , I texted her step by step instructions before finally putting the phone down . Dinner was ok , not fantastic . The view was amazing though with the moon shining down over the water . Oh , and the view of some of the characters at the restaurant was pretty amazing too . I saw a guy who looked like Bob " happy trees " Ross and a woman wearing the largest , thickest white fur coat I have ever seen . It made her look like a furry linebacker . It 's always stunning to me when I see people wearing real fur anymore . You just don 't see it . As we left , I attempted to get a picture of Jeff " driving the restaurant " in his black velvet paisley jacket ( They had a giant ship 's wheel out front ) but he wouldn 't let me . I must admit , he actually pulled it off . He wore it with a black dress shirt , and compared to some of the outfits I saw at the concert , his jacket looked conservative . When we got to the venue , parking was crazy , and the valet line was a hundred cars long . We drove around a bit , and then ended up driving up the hill and parking on the street . They had a trolley shuttle picking people up , which was very helpful . As we got off , though , the driver told us that there was no shuttle back up the hill . Good thing I was wearing my 4 inch heels . We got into the concert arena , got some drinks from the bar , and found our seats . The big screens were advertising upcoming acts , many of which left my husband exclaiming , " They 're still alive ? ! " The following night was going to be Air Supply , and they showed this photo of them : From the very first note , I was entranced . His voice is simply amazing , and shows no sign of wear from 20 plus years of belting out those notes . There were times I felt my throat get a little hoarse just at the thought of how much strain singing so powerfully must put on his voice . But not a single crack . Not a single missed note . It was also very entertaining to watch his bass player . Not a small man , he was seriously grooving on that stage . At one point , he started twerking . At one point Brian McKnight stopped and said that he had been contacted by a young man , and gave his name . The lights came up , and after a few awkward moments , a guy started moving towards the stage with a clearly shell - shocked girl in tow . While we couldn 't hear the words , his intentions became quite clear as he got down on one knee . She nodded her head , and they began kissing to the cheers of the crowd . It was a sweet moment . A little later , he asked for a single female volunteer to come up on stage . The woman in front of us tried volunteering , much to the chagrin of her husband ( her wedding ring was flashing in the stage lights ) . The woman next to us began jumping up and down waving her arms . I was a little surprised that she was volunteering , as she was at the concert with the guy sitting next to her . He seemed just as excited for her to go , though . Brian picked her and she went up on stage . One of the men up there handed her a bouquet of roses and she was led to a stool in the center . Brian asked her if she had a boyfriend . She said , " No . " I looked at the guy she had come with , and he seemed to be happily recording the whole thing with his phone . I wondered if maybe he wasn 't her boyfriend , but her gay BFF . Brian serenaded her and she played it up for all it was worth . She was a total ham on stage , and in the end , was rewarded with a short peck on the lips . After she got back to her seat , the guy she had come with was hugging her and they were laughing and looking at the video . I was convinced they weren 't a couple , until after the concert I watched them file out , and he had his hands wrapped around her waist . Maybe he 's just a really supportive boyfriend . I 'm not sure mine would have been so understanding . And then moving on to keyboard . He began singing one of my favorite all time songs , Never felt this way . I 'm not sure if I violated any copy write laws by posting this , but it 's just a snippet to show how amazing he is live . Afterwards , we got in the photo line . The people who were in line in front of us were interesting . One of the women liked to talk . A lot . She was telling anyone who would listen about all of the radio contests she 's won , all the meet and greets she has attended . She 's met Alicia Keys - twice . She met " Luda " last summer . I can 't remember all the other names she dropped - there were so many . She actually said , " My 1099 is pretty high , for all the stuff I 've won . " Then I became team manager , and I got an email that stated our team had to sell 6 fundraiser event tickets , and we had sold none . No one from our team had purchased tickets or was planning to attend . I told my husband we needed to go , and thankfully we got a new girl on our team , whose parents jumped right in and bought two tickets . One girl 's parents have a son who also plays for the club , so they had bought one ticket and planned on buying another . That left us one short , so I invited my mother . I went online to buy our three tickets at $ 65 a piece . That bought us each a drink coupon , some gaming tokens , and " heavy appetizers . " I figured if they wanted to make a lot of money they should have made it one appetizer coupon and heavy drinks , but I needn 't have worried . ( I 'll get to that in a minute . ) I clicked to purchase the tickets , only to be popped back to the order screen . There was no confirmation , so I figured I must have done it wrong . I tried again . Same thing . I tried a third time ( Yes , I Know ) only to have the same thing happen . Then I realized I might have accidentally purchased many more tickets than I had intended . I went into my email , and there I found three confirmations of three separate purchases of 3 tickets each , for $ 585 . My husband was going to kill me . I knew the event was casino themed . Originally I had misread the invite and thought it was AT a casino . I had skimmed the details enough to know the date and time , but didn 't really read much more than that . Friday afternoon when I was leaving the school from picking up Parker ( Zoe was excited to be riding a school bus to a friend 's house for a birthday sleepover ) I ran into a friend who said , " I 'll see you tonight ! " When I got home from the DMV I pulled the dresses out , put one on and stared at myself . It wasn 't terrible , although I was pretty sure if I stood in the wrong light , the dress was completely see - through . Also , it was 20 degrees outside . We went into the silent auction area , and I have to say , I was very impressed . There were a lot of items , and pretty much every item was a great one . There was autographed sport memorabilia , wine tasting events , vacation condos , entertainment baskets , private coaching . If I had to guess , there were at least 200 items . We checked everything out , and decided to bid on a few things . We made our way back out and went through the food line , settling in to a side table . The first round of appetizers were good , but definitely light . I was a little concerned about my food to alcohol ratio , as I had skipped lunch and tend to be a lightweight anyways . I started planning which drive - through I was going to make him go to on the way home after the event . I spent some time talking to friends before they called us all downstairs for the live auction to begin . I had counted one other flapper with a feather coming out of her head , and a woman in a black dress and pearls . No gangsters , only one guy with a bowtie . Thankfully , our table was in the back . They had placed us with Zoe 's two coaches and their wives . I 've socialized with a lot of the team parents , but never with the coaches , so it was a bit awkward for all of us . The first part of the auction was the dessert dash . We didn 't really know what we were doing , so we found the paper on the table and entered " 25 . 00 " on the sheet . Right away someone came and took the form . They began calling out table numbers , to indicate who was the highest dessert bidder . As the tables were called out , they would send one person up to grab a dessert to share with the whole table . Apparently 25 . 00 wasn 't a lot for a cake , because we were one of the last tables called . I grabbed a dark chocolate ganache cake . My husband said , " There wasn 't any cheesecake ? " ( FYI he hasn 't dropped the conversation of the cheesecake yet . Every night since he 's brought up how he really wishes we had cheesecake , and he doesn 't understand why we still don 't have any . ) Then the live auction began . The items were amazing - 4 hour boat rentals , guided fishing trips , a condo In Mazatlan . The starting prices were high and went even higher . In between items , they would auction off rounds of shots in rave glasses Some of these lots were going for more than $ 10 per shot , with 10 - 20 shots in each lot . At one point the guy who made the shots came by and handed me one . I took it , and then realized I probably should have asked first what I owed him . Thankfully he was just being nice . After the live auction was over , we headed back upstairs to pay for the silent auction items we 'd won , if any . When we got up there , we discovered that a second round of appetizers had come out , and these were even better than the first . Gorgonzola chicken salad on a puff , Blt 's on mini croissants , pulled pork sliders on sweet rolls with coleslaw . I grabbed a plate and a slider , and went to get in line . As I was enjoying this blissful creation , my husband came up to me and asked me a question . I began to answer , but instead , inhaled a chunk of coleslaw straight into my lungs . I started choking and coughing . My husband started laughing . My eyes began watering , tears streaming down my face . He patted me on the back . ( Has that EVER worked ? Ever ? ) He asked if I wanted water , but since the problem was cabbage in my lung , I didn 't think it would help , and all I could do was nod or shake my head and managed to say " won 't help . " He continued laughing . He made all sorts of comments about not being able to take me anywhere , and " You sure did a number on that slider ! " " You must have really liked that slider ! " The man in front of me , also trying not to laugh because Jeff was laughing so hard , kept watching me to see if I was going to completely keel over . He left and came back with water . I accepted it and choked out a " Thank you " and a glare at my husband . At this point I 'm trying to salvage what 's left of my dignity . It was bad enough that I was overdressed in the strongest sense of the word , now I 've coughed , choked and cried in front of a couple hundred people . Oh , and I am pretty sure I spewed food as well . By the time I got to the front of the line , I was able to talk again . They looked up my information and found that we had only won one item - a behind the scenes tour at a Seattle Sounders training practice . I knew Zoe would love it . My mother had won some strange sand - like substance . Two boxes , actually . The event wasn 't over - the gaming tables had just opened . However , I was done . We loaded our stuff in the car , dropped my mother off , picked up Parker and headed home . It 's one of those questions that 's not a simple yes or no . But if I had to pick one , I 'd say yes . It 's a lot easier to say that while I am currently indoors with the heat blasting , but I will tell you , I know the exact moment when I realized that yes , it was all worth it . And I was still a human popsicle at the time . As I said in my post http : / / kbjackson . com / what - danny - bonaduce - guinness - and - colin - kaepernicks - eyebrow - all - have - in - common / I have been a football fan pretty much my entire life . I became a Seahawks fan shortly after moving to Washington State in the late 70 's . I attended games in the Kingdome with my family . I cheered on Jim Zorn and Steve Largent , Dave Krieg and Kenny Easley . I watched my Hawks get into the playoffs many times in the early 80 's and lose to Oakland or Denver . It seemed we just were never quite good enough to take it all the way . Mostly , we were perpetual losers . And then came 1996 . The owner at the time moved my beloved team to Los Angeles . I 'd like to go on record as saying that while I believe in general a business owner has every right to move his business elsewhere , it 's a nasty , awful thing to take a sports team away from its fans . We 've had it done not once , but twice . I went online and rooms were booking fast . At one point , Expedia said " 1143 people are also currently looking at this hotel . " Many of the reasonable , close hotels were booked . I switched to Priceline . They had an express deal they were calling " Downtown Seattle - Pike Place " 3 star for $ 99 . I jumped on it . I got onto Priceline chat and the person I chatted with told me in no uncertain terms I was locked in . I said , " Have you heard of Sir Mix - a - lot ? When he sings about his posse being on Broadway … THIS is the area he 's talking about . Capitol Hill is NOT downtown / Pike Place . " Turned out the hotel itself is nice , and that area of Capitol Hill is a lot safer than I had remembered from my college days . It 's right across from Seattle University and Swedish hospital . Other than an empty bottle of vodka sitting on a wall that Zoe " accidentally knocked over , " it was pretty clean . When I posted and tweeted it , I didn 't suggest what I thought it looked like . I only said I saw something interesting . Apparently I wasn 't the only one who saw it , because soon the picture went viral . Like someone said , maybe you have to be a Hawks fan to see it . It doesn 't bother me if people think it 's a stretch . I thought some comments were unnecessarily rude . And it did make me realize that anonymity is a beautiful thing . With my name on the photo and people making not always positive comments , I felt a little bit like I had a target on my back . Turns out my skin is pretty thin . I may have to work on that . Anyways , we checked into the hotel and then made our way down to the restaurant for dinner . Other than Zoe accidentally ending up in the men 's room , it was pretty uneventful . We went to the pool for a bit , met other fans who were there for the parade , and then headed back up to go to bed . Zoe passed out first , and Parker ended up discovering the movie " Spaceballs . " All day yesterday he kept saying , " Yogurt ! I hate Yogurt ! Even with strawberries ! " The kids were moving in slow motion , and by the time we got downstairs it was 8 o ' clock . I saw a group of people sitting in the lobby in Seahawks gear . I said , " Is this the waiting area for the shuttle ? " We started heading down Broadway towards James . ( I later found out we could have taken Madison and saved us a lot of time and energy ) There was a homeless man walking across the street in front of us . Coming from the opposite direction was a tall black kid , maybe about 19 years old , carrying a backpack . As he passed the man , he held out some money , no words other than a " thank you " were said . I looked at Zoe and said , " That was beautiful . " She smiled and nodded her head . My thought was that once we got to 4th Ave and scoped out the crowd , we would find a place to get coffee and something to eat . I was not prepared for lines at the three coffee places in the center we went into to each have lines that rival Disneyland . Starbucks had like 75 people in line . The other two , maybe 30 each . I picked a bakery and got in line . I overheard one of the girls who was working there say " This morning we 've already gone through as much coffee as we normally do in a week . " It was 9am . I waited for about 30 minutes before getting my turn to order . They were already out of milk chocolate , so the only cocoas they were selling were white chocolate . I ordered a drip coffee for myself , plus two bacon and egg sandwiches and some oatmeal . Another 30 minutes later , and the food was ready . I found out at that point that the coffee was self serve and I could have gotten it right away . About 10 minutes later , the white hot chocolates came up . Both of my kids took one sip and grimaced . We found a spot that I considered primo - it was a fenced off area in front of a closed restaurant . It looked like the kind of area where they set tables out on warm summer evenings . I liked it because there was a permanent separation from the passing crowd , and if I needed to put Parker on my shoulders , I wouldn 't be blocking anyone . We walked closer to the start of the parade route , only to find the crowd thickening . I convinced her to turn back and go further south . Eventually we found a spot that was right behind two rows of chairs . People had been camping out all night for curbside seats . I put a blanket down on the ground , and stood behind the kids . They bundled up close and tried to keep warm in the 26 degree temps with a 19 degree wind chill . We stood there for a bit before three women and a boy showed up . They started moving in between me and the kids to get to a sport further up . I said , " You 're not really going to go in front of us are you ? " Apparently they were surprised that I would actually comment . One of the girls stood with the boy in front of me , and another said , we just want to make sure he can see . " Zoe said , " It 's hers . She put it over us . " Throughout the morning , I saw the girl continually adjusting the blanket to make sure the kids were covered and warm . Faith in humanity restored . Soon , a group of teenage boys were crawling past us , going onto the street . The people who had been there all night were getting upset because the police were not making everyone stay on the sidewalk , and crowds were filling in in front of their chairs . I watched several women kicking newcomers out of the area . Some moved on , some didn 't care what they said . They had shown up at the last minute and were going to get a good spot , regardless . It was starting to make me anxious . It was noon and the parade , which was supposed to start at 11 , had still not arrived . My kids were miserable and cold . I made a decision . At a certain point , though , everything came to a halt . There was no movement . I was getting pushed from behind , but there was a wall of people in front of me . Zoe was bumping into Parker , who in turn began punching her and elbowing her . I tried explaining that she wasn 't pushing him on purpose , but he was getting pretty angry . There was a lot of yelling , a lot of swearing , a lot of pushing . Eventually someone went hulk and made a path . We got pushed through and up onto a side street . There were hundreds of people on that street , trying to look onto 4th to see the parade . Just as Marshawn Lynch made his way to our intersection , throwing skittles at the crowd , my phone died . I couldn 't believe it . I still had 30 % battery life , and my phone shut down and said it needed to be connected to a battery . I wasn 't making phones calls , or on Facebook . I wasn 't even sending texts . All I was doing was taking pictures . I wasn 't zapping cell strength or tower strength . Parker insisted I take a picture , and I told him my phone had died . I pulled it out , attempted to turn it on , and well , whatta ya know ? It turned on with 27 % battery life left . Totally suspicious . I piled them back into the car , but by then we were all craving Red Robin . Next mall closer to our house ? 45 - an hour wait . At 330 on a Wednesday ! I hear that in Seattle alone , 13000 students and over 500 teachers were absent yesterday . No count yet on the outlying districts , or the amount of people who skipped work . A woman next to me said to her boyfriend , " My boss said not to come in if I don 't feel good . And I don 't feel good - I feel great ! " Over 700 , 000 people were at the parade yesterday , and only 650 , 000 live in the city . No one was arrested and people remained mostly in good spirits . It was a long day . It was cold . It was frustrating at times . I 'm not saying I wouldn 't do it again if I had it to do over , but I 'm glad I don 't have to do it over again .

This post doesn 't really have to do with kids so much , although there 's an important lesson . The lesson is , think of your kids before you do something stupid that could get you in trouble and take you away from your kids . Tonight , when I finished my class , I came to the city bus stop to see an empty city bus waiting by the corner , and I wonder why no one is going on . Then I look around , and I see three police cars , with police men by the corner . I ask some people what happened , and they told me . It appears , this goyish lady was going on the city bus , and she had her sister and niece there . She went on first and she was halfway up the steps of the bus and she was waiting for her sister to come with her child on the bus . The bus didn 't want to wait and was closing the doors . So the lady spit at the bus driver . The bus driver then smacked the lady . Now I don 't know who was at fault here , the lady was wrong to spit at the bus driver . The bus driver was wrong to hit the lady . But its a crime to assault a bus driver and the lady will probably go to jail now . Maybe the lady will sue the MTA now , I dunno . As I was waiting by the corner , I stood next to one of the police man that was interviewing a witness to hear exactly what happened . The person confirmed what the other people told me . Then I also got to hear the lady telling the cops what happened in first person . So the information was confirmed by all of them . Meanwhile , the bus driver was just sitting in his seat , calm , with one police man questioning him , which I couldn 't hear . The lady on the other hand was screaming at the police man . Today I was in the car with my brother driving and it was a two way street . The light was red , and it was turning green . A mother quickly crossed the street with a carriage and older daughter . The light turned green , and all of a sudden I heard a 3 year old crying . The mother had crossed without her daughter , she then told her daughter to wait there . Meanwhile , the car in the other lane had stopped when he saw the 3 year old on the other side of the street , giving time for the mother to come back across . Instead the mother started walking away . I had an urge to get out of my car and run across the street to the child to keep her company or cross her to her mother . The poor kid was crying . But it was a green light , and we had to go , and my father said " Don 't get involved " that the kid has a mother , so I didn 't leave the car . Its an important thing when crossing streets with kids , to hold their hands , and make sure all of them cross with you . First of all , people shouldn 't be crossing when they see the flashing red hand , signifying that its about to turn green for the cars . Second of all , the adult should walk behind the kids , making sure the kid gets across first , cause usually kids because their smaller are hard to see , and this way there is more of a chance that the car will see the adult and wait . There are all different types of crossing guards . Some are very friendly , and get to know the kids they see on a regular basis , then there are those that just do the job of crossing the kid . Then there are those that are really into their job and direct traffic in addition to crossing the kid . As a side point , one thing I noticed is that all the crossing guards I know have blond hair . The crossing guard by HS was really into her job , she would cross those that got off the city bus to the block of the school . It was a big street with cars always turning from a six lane highway into a 2 lane street . When the light was flashing and it was about to become green for the cars , she would tell us to wait and not cross the street . But there were always those girls who wanted to run across the street anyways , and she would give them an admonishing look . The bus stop of the triplets that I babysit for are next to a public school , so there are crossing guards on both corners . One is very quiet , and just sees a kid coming and starts walking in the street with him . Then the other one is so friendly , she talks to the kids asking them how their day was , if she notices something in their hand she 'll ask about it . In either case , I always thought crossing guards had such an easy job , that they barely do anything . But now I realize in the winter its the hardest to have to stay outside in the freezing cold . Now that I know what its like from waiting by the bust stop for like a half hour or 45 minutes sometimes , I see its not such an easy job after all . Whenever I go to a certain neighborhood , I always notice one Public School Building with a quote painted onto the side of the building that says : " All Children Smile in the Same Language " . For some reason I always thought of it as such a smart quote . I would imagine its used by the public school because they have all different types of children there , from different races and nationalities . So this teaches them to be accepting of each other cause at the end of the day they all have the same feelings and emotions , they laugh and smile the same way . I think this is a very important lesson to teach children . In could include the different types of personalities children have , the cliques , or the family background the children are brought up in . Even though there are differences among them , they are all children and should treat each other nicely . This could be taken to every day life as well , not just with children , but all kinds of groups of people . Its something to think about . Although babysitting at night can be very boring since the kids are sleeping and there 's nothing to do , its actually the best time to study . In HS whenever I had reports to do , I would save it for when I went babysitting and while the kids were sleeping I would be able to read the book for my report and write up a page or two . At home I 'm always procrastinating cause I feel like I have an endless amount of time , and I 'm just not in the mood of studying , reading , and I always get distracted with more entertaining stuff . I always did all my studying the morning of the test , I would wake up between 5 : 30 and 6 : 00 to study for the test , and I found studying on the citi bus to be very productive as well . Here , when I 'm babysitting I 'm forced to do school work , since there 's nothing else to do , and I can 't escape it . I 'm able to concentrate cause the house is quiet , and I know I have to get it done within a limited amount of time . So now instead of dreading babysitting at night , I look forward to it , it keeps me in check with all my school work . Today , I was waiting by the bus stop after school and I was debating if I should take the limited or unlimited bus home . They were both there at the same time , I decided to take the limited . I got off and as I was crossing a street to go home I see the school bus of the girls I babysit for . They started waving to me , so I waved back , then the bus driver recognizes me , so she opens her doors . I figured maybe she had something to tell me , but then she tells me to come on the bus . I feel a little embarrassed , but I go on the bus . Then she drops me off by the bus stop I usually wait by . Meanwhile , the father was there waiting to pick up the girls , and then he sees me come off the bus . All the little girls , and mothers and everyone were laughing . It was really funny and unexpected . So then as I was walking home thinking about it , I wasn 't looking where I was going and I almost stepped into a dead bird on the sidewalk . I saw it right on time , thank goodness . Then the mother calls me up and she asks what happened , that I came off the bus with them and she wanted to know if I was alright , that maybe I hurt myself . I told her what happened , and she was like okay , just making sure you were okay . One thing I 've noticed is that when someone is sick , all of a sudden everyone is nice to them . I see this a lot with siblings by the kids I babysit for . Now last night one of the triplets had a fever . His sisters happened to have these doctor and dentist stuff , because that day in school a girl in their class 's mother came to school as a community helper and told the class about her job as a dentist and the day before they learned about doctors and made paper stuff that a doctor uses , like a stethoscope , something to take the blood pressure , a stick for the mouth , band aid , and a needle . The dentist gave : a toothbrush , 2 types of toothpaste , the regular kid and the kind the dentist uses in that little cap , a blue paper bib , x - ray cards , floss , little blue cups to rinse your mouth . So now the kids wanted to play make believe doctor and dentist . They also wanted to use their doctor and dentist stuff on their sick brother , but he didn 't enjoy that part too much . But they were so kind and caring to their brother who was sick , they brought him down his blanket and pillow so he can lay down on the couch . When they were playing Lego , they built him a ship and a robot so he can play with it . They made a puppet show for him , and brought him his microphone so he can sing . One of the triplets has such a cute motherly voice its adorable . I 'm not sure if this is just a triplet thing or its like that everywhere . I know by me ( I have a twin brother ) when we were younger I would feel his pain so much . When he would get punished because he wasn 't doing HW or something I would cry and wouldn 't let my father punish him . The connection still continues somewhat as we get older . But then again it could be like that with all siblings . Even the kid himself who is sick behaves so much better , all of a sudden he is such a good kid , its amazing . But then again I guess its a Bracha when kids act up cause it shows their healthy . Most times when I go to babysit at night , if its not my neighbors , then the father drives me home . Or sometimes even picks me up and brings me to the house . Now the question is , where am I supposed to sit ? I never know if I 'm supposed to sit in the front or the back , cause its a man driving . By one person I got in the habit of sitting in the back , cause it was the first time someone drove me . But then when its new people I never know . If there are car seats then I sit in the front because there is no where else to go . But I 'm never sure if they 'll feel comfortable with me sitting in the front . When my boss was giving me a ride to his house to babysit , I assumed he wanted me to sit in the back , but then he said I should come to the front , that I don 't have to sit in the back . Then there 's another issue of conversation , I 'm never sure how I 'm supposed to speak to them , although because their married it makes it 100 times easier . I let them talk , sometimes they ask questions , like how school is going and then I answer . Some people put on the radio . Then others just talk about random stuff and I listen and comment here and there . But I never start conversation , unless I 'm really comfortable with them . It seems to be a universal thing , as soon as you walk in the house you get hungry . The triplets I babysit for , after I take them off the bus and bring them home , right away their hungry . They run to the cabinet with the nosh and they want to take candy . The mother doesn 't want them eating candy cause its not good for their teeth . . . So I tell them they can 't have candy and they have to wait till their Ima comes home to eat . But their little and they don 't have patience to wait that half hour . I get them to do their homework first , which the 2 girls seem to enjoy doing , and they finish their Kryah right away , the boy however doesn 't like doing his homework , so while the girls do their homework , the boy goes to the kitchen looking for something to eat . He ends up finding a candy , now once he takes one , of course the other 2 want also , and I can 't say yes to one and no to the others , so I end up giving them each some sort of nosh to eat . The mother makes supper when she comes home from work , so there 's no food prepared for them when they come in . I used to make them oatmeal or give them some cerial to munch on and that worked . But now all they want is candy . So they would go through all the candies , I would let them have chocolate coins or a wafer , or something with less sugar . Sometimes they want a taffy and I try to say no , but . . . Back to the homework part , something I noticed is boys just don 't like doing homework , could be because they have a mitzvah to learn . I see this all the time , girls do their homework right away , and boys just try to push it off and give everyone a hard time . I 've seen this in many families . Maybe it has something to do with the boys school 's too which is another discussion . I find bed time the hardest part of babysitting . When it comes to putting kids to sleep time just flies by so fast . I 'm always afraid that the parents are going to be upset if they hear their kid didn 't fall asleep till much after their bed time . There 's always those last minute things kids think of to get out of going to bed , whether its a drink , home work , a game , bathroom or a story . It just never ends . I learned you have to be tough and keep to the rules so the kids won 't take advantage , but its hard . I figure I 'll read them one story to get them to come to their room , but that never makes them happy they always want more . I keep the kids company so they won 't come out of their room , I lay down on the floor and make believe I 'm going to sleep . Sometimes it works and the kids become quiet and fall asleep , and then sometimes they just keep on talking and calling me , so I answer them and tell them they have to go to sleep . . . One time when I was putting a 3 year old to sleep , she had been my camper that summer so she was attached to me , so I laid down in the bed with her , I must have been really tired , cause I actually fell asleep ! I woke up just in time , the parents came in and said they tried calling , I said I didn 't hear anyone calling , I didn 't say I fell asleep . B " H that never happened again , I lay down on the floor so its not comfortable for me to sleep . Once they fall asleep , I 'm afraid to wake them , so I move slowly to get up and I carefully go out of the room not to make any noise . Then comes the boring part of waiting till the parents come home . One thing I 've noticed from babysitting is that every house runs differently . One issue is with knocking before entering the house . I remember once hearing a halacha that you are supposed to knock before you enter a house even if its your own house . One person I babysit for follows this halacha and she always knocks and waits to hear my response before she comes in so that I should be ready for her . Most of the time its night time and the kids are sleeping and I sit by the table doing homework or whatever it may be and its quiet so I hear the car coming so I know she will knock and I start to go to the door so she 'll hear my footsteps and know she can come in . A different person I babysit for , I have the key to the house so I can let the kids in after I pick them up from the bus stop and I stay with them for a while after the mother comes home . For some reason I never hear the mother come in , its all of a sudden I see her there and I 'm like whoa where did she come from . Then I start to think of what I just said within that minute , maybe I did something wrong I didn 't want her to overhear . ( Like letting the kids have candy ) . Then there 's a different person I babysit for and she has a baby , so she doesn 't want to come to the door with the baby , she 's my next door neighbor , so she calls me when she wants me to come over , she leaves the door open a bit and goes to the living room with the baby till I come . So I usually knock on the door or ring the bell and she says I can come in . Today , I don 't know what I was thinking , but I saw the door open so I figured she opened it for me so I should just go in , I thought maybe the baby was sleeping so I didn 't want to wake her by ringing the bell . So I go in the house , and I 'm like " Hello " . I thought she heard me but apparently not . All of a sudden she sees me and she 's like " wow you scared me ! " . I 'm like " oops " . Everything was alright , but I think from now on I 'm going to try to stick to knocking before I come in ! This is a story I wrote in 10th grade for my creative writing class , we each got 2 letters and we had to think of a title with those 2 letters , mine were J and E , so I chose " Jumping Elephants " . Recently I was reading a children 's book and I realized how children 's books are best at teaching lessons to kids , their the most educational books , and even adults can read them . A new arcade game store was opening up for all the kids in the neighborhood . All the kids were so excited they all wanted to be the first one to play the new games . There was a huge line coming from the front of the store . Inside they had all kinds of games but what was special about this store was the theme of the store : Jumping Elephants all the games had elephants in it . There was a bowling game but instead of regular bowling pins , you had to knock down little mini plastic elephant pins . All the games had something to do with elephants . They were doing so well that all the stores wanted to put an animal theme to their store . The grocery store put the theme flying horses to their store . All the aisles were decorated with horses . The receipts had horses stamped on to it . This new idea attracted new customers . They were making a lot of money . Soon all the stores all over the world were named after animals , It literally became a zoo . All the stores had competition over whose animal theme was better . One favorite animal that all the kids liked to act like was the famous monkey . Soon all the kids started acting like monkeys . At home , they were jumping on the furniture , making animal sounds , and eating like animals . In school , the halls were filled with kids who just could not sit still and were making a ruckus . The teacher 's lost control over the students . All the kids wanted to learn about was animals and playing animal games . All the adults got fed up , their children didn 't listen to them anymore . They decided to make a rally against animal related stores . They went up and down the street closing down the new animal stores . Later , the childrenJewish Side of Babysitter Today as I was coming home from my 3 - 5 babysitting job I passed by a van with the door open and I saw a little girl in the car seat . No one was with her , and there was no one outside . I figured I 'd wait there a little just to make sure someone gets her from the car . I reasoned that maybe the mother went shopping and had a lot of bags so first she brought the bags in and then was gonna come back out to get the kid . Five minutes passed , then ten minutes and still no one appeared . The kid saw I was waiting there , so she started crying a bit . I moved closer to the van and I asked her if her mother or father was driving , she said no each time I asked . I asked her which house she lived in and she pointed in the general direction of a house . I asked her if it was the one with the arts and crafts on the door and she said yea . So I took her out of her car seat , got her library books which she had in her hand and brought her to her house . I rang the door bell , no one answered , I figured maybe its broken , I tried knocking on the window , I knocked a few times and no one answered . Meanwhile I knew someone was in the house because minutes before while I was watching the kid in the car I saw the door of that house shut . Just then a neighbor of that house goes to his door . I said " Excuse me " and told him I found the kid in the car and no one was answering the door . He went inside , got his wife to call the girl 's house and then her siblings came to open the door . This whole thing got me really upset , I was crying inside for this little four year old girl . I kept conversation going with her she she shouldn 't start crying and get scared . I asked her what school she went to and other questions , she answered all of them . Now imagine if it was some stranger off the street , a kidnapper chas veshalom could have came and this kid would have went with them . It really scares me . I don 't understand how a parent could leave a kid in a car and forget about the kid , she was seat belted in her car seat she couldn 't have gotten out if not for me Posted by The kids I was babysitting decided they wanted Ice Cream . I called the mother and she said they went to bed nicely the night before so they could have Ice Cream . I took the Ice Cream out of the freezer , got bowls and spoons ready . Then the kids decide they want sprinkles , so they go to the cabinet and take out sprinkles . I let them put it on their ice cream . Then I swept up the sprinkles that fell . One kid takes a lick of her ice cream then she 's like " ewwww I feel sick " . I 'm wondering what happened then she said she ate seeds . I looked at the label for one of the black " sprinkles " and I saw it said poppy seeds . So I gave them new scoops of Ice Cream , without sprinkles ! I 've done a lot of babysitting for a long time which brought me to make this blog . The picture I used is a picture of a box of chocolates I received from one of the families I babysit by . I love kids !

This post doesn 't really have to do with kids so much , although there 's an important lesson . The lesson is , think of your kids before you do something stupid that could get you in trouble and take you away from your kids . Tonight , when I finished my class , I came to the city bus stop to see an empty city bus waiting by the corner , and I wonder why no one is going on . Then I look around , and I see three police cars , with police men by the corner . I ask some people what happened , and they told me . It appears , this goyish lady was going on the city bus , and she had her sister and niece there . She went on first and she was halfway up the steps of the bus and she was waiting for her sister to come with her child on the bus . The bus didn 't want to wait and was closing the doors . So the lady spit at the bus driver . The bus driver then smacked the lady . Now I don 't know who was at fault here , the lady was wrong to spit at the bus driver . The bus driver was wrong to hit the lady . But its a crime to assault a bus driver and the lady will probably go to jail now . Maybe the lady will sue the MTA now , I dunno . As I was waiting by the corner , I stood next to one of the police man that was interviewing a witness to hear exactly what happened . The person confirmed what the other people told me . Then I also got to hear the lady telling the cops what happened in first person . So the information was confirmed by all of them . Meanwhile , the bus driver was just sitting in his seat , calm , with one police man questioning him , which I couldn 't hear . The lady on the other hand was screaming at the police man . Today I was in the car with my brother driving and it was a two way street . The light was red , and it was turning green . A mother quickly crossed the street with a carriage and older daughter . The light turned green , and all of a sudden I heard a 3 year old crying . The mother had crossed without her daughter , she then told her daughter to wait there . Meanwhile , the car in the other lane had stopped when he saw the 3 year old on the other side of the street , giving time for the mother to come back across . Instead the mother started walking away . I had an urge to get out of my car and run across the street to the child to keep her company or cross her to her mother . The poor kid was crying . But it was a green light , and we had to go , and my father said " Don 't get involved " that the kid has a mother , so I didn 't leave the car . Its an important thing when crossing streets with kids , to hold their hands , and make sure all of them cross with you . First of all , people shouldn 't be crossing when they see the flashing red hand , signifying that its about to turn green for the cars . Second of all , the adult should walk behind the kids , making sure the kid gets across first , cause usually kids because their smaller are hard to see , and this way there is more of a chance that the car will see the adult and wait . There are all different types of crossing guards . Some are very friendly , and get to know the kids they see on a regular basis , then there are those that just do the job of crossing the kid . Then there are those that are really into their job and direct traffic in addition to crossing the kid . As a side point , one thing I noticed is that all the crossing guards I know have blond hair . The crossing guard by HS was really into her job , she would cross those that got off the city bus to the block of the school . It was a big street with cars always turning from a six lane highway into a 2 lane street . When the light was flashing and it was about to become green for the cars , she would tell us to wait and not cross the street . But there were always those girls who wanted to run across the street anyways , and she would give them an admonishing look . The bus stop of the triplets that I babysit for are next to a public school , so there are crossing guards on both corners . One is very quiet , and just sees a kid coming and starts walking in the street with him . Then the other one is so friendly , she talks to the kids asking them how their day was , if she notices something in their hand she 'll ask about it . In either case , I always thought crossing guards had such an easy job , that they barely do anything . But now I realize in the winter its the hardest to have to stay outside in the freezing cold . Now that I know what its like from waiting by the bust stop for like a half hour or 45 minutes sometimes , I see its not such an easy job after all . Whenever I go to a certain neighborhood , I always notice one Public School Building with a quote painted onto the side of the building that says : " All Children Smile in the Same Language " . For some reason I always thought of it as such a smart quote . I would imagine its used by the public school because they have all different types of children there , from different races and nationalities . So this teaches them to be accepting of each other cause at the end of the day they all have the same feelings and emotions , they laugh and smile the same way . I think this is a very important lesson to teach children . In could include the different types of personalities children have , the cliques , or the family background the children are brought up in . Even though there are differences among them , they are all children and should treat each other nicely . This could be taken to every day life as well , not just with children , but all kinds of groups of people . Its something to think about . Although babysitting at night can be very boring since the kids are sleeping and there 's nothing to do , its actually the best time to study . In HS whenever I had reports to do , I would save it for when I went babysitting and while the kids were sleeping I would be able to read the book for my report and write up a page or two . At home I 'm always procrastinating cause I feel like I have an endless amount of time , and I 'm just not in the mood of studying , reading , and I always get distracted with more entertaining stuff . I always did all my studying the morning of the test , I would wake up between 5 : 30 and 6 : 00 to study for the test , and I found studying on the citi bus to be very productive as well . Here , when I 'm babysitting I 'm forced to do school work , since there 's nothing else to do , and I can 't escape it . I 'm able to concentrate cause the house is quiet , and I know I have to get it done within a limited amount of time . So now instead of dreading babysitting at night , I look forward to it , it keeps me in check with all my school work . Today , I was waiting by the bus stop after school and I was debating if I should take the limited or unlimited bus home . They were both there at the same time , I decided to take the limited . I got off and as I was crossing a street to go home I see the school bus of the girls I babysit for . They started waving to me , so I waved back , then the bus driver recognizes me , so she opens her doors . I figured maybe she had something to tell me , but then she tells me to come on the bus . I feel a little embarrassed , but I go on the bus . Then she drops me off by the bus stop I usually wait by . Meanwhile , the father was there waiting to pick up the girls , and then he sees me come off the bus . All the little girls , and mothers and everyone were laughing . It was really funny and unexpected . So then as I was walking home thinking about it , I wasn 't looking where I was going and I almost stepped into a dead bird on the sidewalk . I saw it right on time , thank goodness . Then the mother calls me up and she asks what happened , that I came off the bus with them and she wanted to know if I was alright , that maybe I hurt myself . I told her what happened , and she was like okay , just making sure you were okay . One thing I 've noticed is that when someone is sick , all of a sudden everyone is nice to them . I see this a lot with siblings by the kids I babysit for . Now last night one of the triplets had a fever . His sisters happened to have these doctor and dentist stuff , because that day in school a girl in their class 's mother came to school as a community helper and told the class about her job as a dentist and the day before they learned about doctors and made paper stuff that a doctor uses , like a stethoscope , something to take the blood pressure , a stick for the mouth , band aid , and a needle . The dentist gave : a toothbrush , 2 types of toothpaste , the regular kid and the kind the dentist uses in that little cap , a blue paper bib , x - ray cards , floss , little blue cups to rinse your mouth . So now the kids wanted to play make believe doctor and dentist . They also wanted to use their doctor and dentist stuff on their sick brother , but he didn 't enjoy that part too much . But they were so kind and caring to their brother who was sick , they brought him down his blanket and pillow so he can lay down on the couch . When they were playing Lego , they built him a ship and a robot so he can play with it . They made a puppet show for him , and brought him his microphone so he can sing . One of the triplets has such a cute motherly voice its adorable . I 'm not sure if this is just a triplet thing or its like that everywhere . I know by me ( I have a twin brother ) when we were younger I would feel his pain so much . When he would get punished because he wasn 't doing HW or something I would cry and wouldn 't let my father punish him . The connection still continues somewhat as we get older . But then again it could be like that with all siblings . Even the kid himself who is sick behaves so much better , all of a sudden he is such a good kid , its amazing . But then again I guess its a Bracha when kids act up cause it shows their healthy . Most times when I go to babysit at night , if its not my neighbors , then the father drives me home . Or sometimes even picks me up and brings me to the house . Now the question is , where am I supposed to sit ? I never know if I 'm supposed to sit in the front or the back , cause its a man driving . By one person I got in the habit of sitting in the back , cause it was the first time someone drove me . But then when its new people I never know . If there are car seats then I sit in the front because there is no where else to go . But I 'm never sure if they 'll feel comfortable with me sitting in the front . When my boss was giving me a ride to his house to babysit , I assumed he wanted me to sit in the back , but then he said I should come to the front , that I don 't have to sit in the back . Then there 's another issue of conversation , I 'm never sure how I 'm supposed to speak to them , although because their married it makes it 100 times easier . I let them talk , sometimes they ask questions , like how school is going and then I answer . Some people put on the radio . Then others just talk about random stuff and I listen and comment here and there . But I never start conversation , unless I 'm really comfortable with them . It seems to be a universal thing , as soon as you walk in the house you get hungry . The triplets I babysit for , after I take them off the bus and bring them home , right away their hungry . They run to the cabinet with the nosh and they want to take candy . The mother doesn 't want them eating candy cause its not good for their teeth . . . So I tell them they can 't have candy and they have to wait till their Ima comes home to eat . But their little and they don 't have patience to wait that half hour . I get them to do their homework first , which the 2 girls seem to enjoy doing , and they finish their Kryah right away , the boy however doesn 't like doing his homework , so while the girls do their homework , the boy goes to the kitchen looking for something to eat . He ends up finding a candy , now once he takes one , of course the other 2 want also , and I can 't say yes to one and no to the others , so I end up giving them each some sort of nosh to eat . The mother makes supper when she comes home from work , so there 's no food prepared for them when they come in . I used to make them oatmeal or give them some cerial to munch on and that worked . But now all they want is candy . So they would go through all the candies , I would let them have chocolate coins or a wafer , or something with less sugar . Sometimes they want a taffy and I try to say no , but . . . Back to the homework part , something I noticed is boys just don 't like doing homework , could be because they have a mitzvah to learn . I see this all the time , girls do their homework right away , and boys just try to push it off and give everyone a hard time . I 've seen this in many families . Maybe it has something to do with the boys school 's too which is another discussion . I find bed time the hardest part of babysitting . When it comes to putting kids to sleep time just flies by so fast . I 'm always afraid that the parents are going to be upset if they hear their kid didn 't fall asleep till much after their bed time . There 's always those last minute things kids think of to get out of going to bed , whether its a drink , home work , a game , bathroom or a story . It just never ends . I learned you have to be tough and keep to the rules so the kids won 't take advantage , but its hard . I figure I 'll read them one story to get them to come to their room , but that never makes them happy they always want more . I keep the kids company so they won 't come out of their room , I lay down on the floor and make believe I 'm going to sleep . Sometimes it works and the kids become quiet and fall asleep , and then sometimes they just keep on talking and calling me , so I answer them and tell them they have to go to sleep . . . One time when I was putting a 3 year old to sleep , she had been my camper that summer so she was attached to me , so I laid down in the bed with her , I must have been really tired , cause I actually fell asleep ! I woke up just in time , the parents came in and said they tried calling , I said I didn 't hear anyone calling , I didn 't say I fell asleep . B " H that never happened again , I lay down on the floor so its not comfortable for me to sleep . Once they fall asleep , I 'm afraid to wake them , so I move slowly to get up and I carefully go out of the room not to make any noise . Then comes the boring part of waiting till the parents come home . One thing I 've noticed from babysitting is that every house runs differently . One issue is with knocking before entering the house . I remember once hearing a halacha that you are supposed to knock before you enter a house even if its your own house . One person I babysit for follows this halacha and she always knocks and waits to hear my response before she comes in so that I should be ready for her . Most of the time its night time and the kids are sleeping and I sit by the table doing homework or whatever it may be and its quiet so I hear the car coming so I know she will knock and I start to go to the door so she 'll hear my footsteps and know she can come in . A different person I babysit for , I have the key to the house so I can let the kids in after I pick them up from the bus stop and I stay with them for a while after the mother comes home . For some reason I never hear the mother come in , its all of a sudden I see her there and I 'm like whoa where did she come from . Then I start to think of what I just said within that minute , maybe I did something wrong I didn 't want her to overhear . ( Like letting the kids have candy ) . Then there 's a different person I babysit for and she has a baby , so she doesn 't want to come to the door with the baby , she 's my next door neighbor , so she calls me when she wants me to come over , she leaves the door open a bit and goes to the living room with the baby till I come . So I usually knock on the door or ring the bell and she says I can come in . Today , I don 't know what I was thinking , but I saw the door open so I figured she opened it for me so I should just go in , I thought maybe the baby was sleeping so I didn 't want to wake her by ringing the bell . So I go in the house , and I 'm like " Hello " . I thought she heard me but apparently not . All of a sudden she sees me and she 's like " wow you scared me ! " . I 'm like " oops " . Everything was alright , but I think from now on I 'm going to try to stick to knocking before I come in ! This is a story I wrote in 10th grade for my creative writing class , we each got 2 letters and we had to think of a title with those 2 letters , mine were J and E , so I chose " Jumping Elephants " . Recently I was reading a children 's book and I realized how children 's books are best at teaching lessons to kids , their the most educational books , and even adults can read them . A new arcade game store was opening up for all the kids in the neighborhood . All the kids were so excited they all wanted to be the first one to play the new games . There was a huge line coming from the front of the store . Inside they had all kinds of games but what was special about this store was the theme of the store : Jumping Elephants all the games had elephants in it . There was a bowling game but instead of regular bowling pins , you had to knock down little mini plastic elephant pins . All the games had something to do with elephants . They were doing so well that all the stores wanted to put an animal theme to their store . The grocery store put the theme flying horses to their store . All the aisles were decorated with horses . The receipts had horses stamped on to it . This new idea attracted new customers . They were making a lot of money . Soon all the stores all over the world were named after animals , It literally became a zoo . All the stores had competition over whose animal theme was better . One favorite animal that all the kids liked to act like was the famous monkey . Soon all the kids started acting like monkeys . At home , they were jumping on the furniture , making animal sounds , and eating like animals . In school , the halls were filled with kids who just could not sit still and were making a ruckus . The teacher 's lost control over the students . All the kids wanted to learn about was animals and playing animal games . All the adults got fed up , their children didn 't listen to them anymore . They decided to make a rally against animal related stores . They went up and down the street closing down the new animal stores . Later , the childrenJewish Side of Babysitter Today as I was coming home from my 3 - 5 babysitting job I passed by a van with the door open and I saw a little girl in the car seat . No one was with her , and there was no one outside . I figured I 'd wait there a little just to make sure someone gets her from the car . I reasoned that maybe the mother went shopping and had a lot of bags so first she brought the bags in and then was gonna come back out to get the kid . Five minutes passed , then ten minutes and still no one appeared . The kid saw I was waiting there , so she started crying a bit . I moved closer to the van and I asked her if her mother or father was driving , she said no each time I asked . I asked her which house she lived in and she pointed in the general direction of a house . I asked her if it was the one with the arts and crafts on the door and she said yea . So I took her out of her car seat , got her library books which she had in her hand and brought her to her house . I rang the door bell , no one answered , I figured maybe its broken , I tried knocking on the window , I knocked a few times and no one answered . Meanwhile I knew someone was in the house because minutes before while I was watching the kid in the car I saw the door of that house shut . Just then a neighbor of that house goes to his door . I said " Excuse me " and told him I found the kid in the car and no one was answering the door . He went inside , got his wife to call the girl 's house and then her siblings came to open the door . This whole thing got me really upset , I was crying inside for this little four year old girl . I kept conversation going with her she she shouldn 't start crying and get scared . I asked her what school she went to and other questions , she answered all of them . Now imagine if it was some stranger off the street , a kidnapper chas veshalom could have came and this kid would have went with them . It really scares me . I don 't understand how a parent could leave a kid in a car and forget about the kid , she was seat belted in her car seat she couldn 't have gotten out if not for me Posted by The kids I was babysitting decided they wanted Ice Cream . I called the mother and she said they went to bed nicely the night before so they could have Ice Cream . I took the Ice Cream out of the freezer , got bowls and spoons ready . Then the kids decide they want sprinkles , so they go to the cabinet and take out sprinkles . I let them put it on their ice cream . Then I swept up the sprinkles that fell . One kid takes a lick of her ice cream then she 's like " ewwww I feel sick " . I 'm wondering what happened then she said she ate seeds . I looked at the label for one of the black " sprinkles " and I saw it said poppy seeds . So I gave them new scoops of Ice Cream , without sprinkles ! I 've done a lot of babysitting for a long time which brought me to make this blog . The picture I used is a picture of a box of chocolates I received from one of the families I babysit by . I love kids !

On June 2 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romanceLeave a comment " As I sat across the table from him , just him , I felt as ease . Safe . Happy . Interested . In that moment and for the rest of the night , that was the only place I wanted to be , near him . For the first time in a very long time , Jake was not present with me . With us . It was just the two of us laughing , living , and beginning again " . On May 19 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment Click on the link to hear my very first podcast show . Bear with me as I am still working out the kinks . Soon to be released on iTunes and Google Play . If you or someone you know is or has been in a narcissistic relationship and you are interested in being a guest on my show , please email me at ~ letsgetwickeddeep @ yahoo . com On April 6 , 2017April 6 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment Freedom . According to Merriam - Webster , freedom is defined as the absence of necessity , coercion , or constraint in choice or action . It comes in many forms and means something different to all of us . Lately , I have been living vicariously through my second oldest Godson Zackary . Zack is 23 and he is an amazing young man . I don 't mean amazing in a way that only a Godmother would see her Godson but rather , he is amazing in spirit . He is honest , reliable and incredibly free spirited . He is secure enough with himself to grow his hair out , take crap for it and never think twice of someone else 's opinion of him . He lives the life he wants to live and is only concerned with what he and the good Lord think of his decisions . Like all kids , they rely heavily on us for support . Whether it be food , transportation , finances or to simply cheer them on from the sideline and be there to lift them up after a major loss , we are there every step of the way . As we watch them grow , we are proud of the choices they make and who they are becoming . But at some point , we become less and less of a priority to them and we end up observing their lives after they have moved out on their own . Through the sometimes blurry windows of social media , there are glimpses into their daily lives , friendships and careers . They come home when they can and even occasionally take a call or return a text . For the most part , they are on the forefront of our minds and we are in their back pockets as sort of a safety net when they need us . It is nothing personal , but it is part of the growing pains we feel as a parent ( Godparent in this case ) . We love our kids from a distance and watch the wings we have given them begin to expand . This past Christmas , instead of watching Zack 's typical life adventures that take him snowboarding , cliff jumping or hopping in his car to go where the wind takes him , he let me know he was coming home for a few days . Zack sneaks in and out as to not upset or disturb the lives of the people he can 't see . This year , I was lucky enough to not only get a text back and a call , but I was able to come face to face with the elusive boy turned man that I am grateful to call family . Five years have passed since our divorce and like every Christmas Eve , Derek has the kids until 10pm . He brings them to my house and they boys and I are able to wake up and spend Christmas Day together . I was getting ready to go to a friend 's house for a group Christmas Eve dinner when my phone buzzed . I looked down . Zack was on his way ! We texted back and forth a few times until his face was finally at my front door . He rang the bell and walked in . Zack standing 5 ' 11 with this dark brown hair grown out to his shoulders , was wearing a giant smile on his face and peaking through his lips were his shiny white teeth . I rushed over and threw my arms around him , squeezing him tightly . Zack , who is not much of a hugger knew the drill … I will not release him from the hug until l get both arms around me . He did what he knew had to and he hugged me back . We made small talk about life and the amazing journey he was on , places he had been visiting and about his love life . We sat outside on the back deck , he took pictures of the water and took in the view , I texted my son , Todd , to let him know Zack was at the house and invited him to come by to see him . As we chatted , laughed , and talked about his future plans , a flash of light bounced off the stone pillars on the deck . I looked behind me and thought I saw a headlight and figured it was my son . Todd and Zack got along pretty well and it was always great when they could get together . As my own kids grew , one ran off to college to play lacrosse in Missouri and the other one went off to school but stayed in Texas and my Godsons , all four of them followed suit . Three took off to play college football in different states and the youngest headed off to serve his mission for two years in Argentina . So , with all the boys scattered , it was a blessing to see all of them together again when possible . It wasn 't a surprise to see that Todd rushed over to see Zach , even if only for a few minutes . A minute or two passed and when Todd didn 't come barreling through the door , I figWeird , I thought . Maybe it was Todd and he was finishing up a call ? I was startled when I heard a knock at the door . I looked at Zack and without reason , my heart sank . I looked at the door and through the frosted glass opening , I could a face looking inside . We made our way into the house and towards the door . Zack followed close behind me and I began to make out the figure . Derek ? I thought to myself . I thought to myself he must be bringing Joseph , our youngest son , now 15 , over early for Christmas Eve , but had no idea why he would do that . As I got closer to the door , I was now convinced it was Derek and I was excited for him to see Zack . As we approached the door we laughed and thought it was a great coincidence that he came by while Zack was visiting . As I opened the door and peeked my head out just a little , my heart , my jaw and my stomach hit the floor . My mouth dried up , chest grew tight and I anxiously locked eyes with Zack . Seconds later , Jake pushed the door open and walked in … On February 23 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment With tear - filled eyes , a heavy heart , and mild hatred for myself lingering in the back of my mind , I write this episode . It has been a difficult yet therapeutic process for me . When I first started putting this series together months ago , before pen ever touched paper , I was afraid of my own feelings . I was scared that I would start feeling something for him again . I was afraid I was going to miss him or fall back in " love " with him . But this process has had quite the opposite effect on me . I feel today as if he never existed . As much as I would love to tell you that he and this relationship were made up in my mind … they weren 't . The tears are real . The pain is thick and it 's heavy . The tears and pain are not for him , but for me . As I write I realize that I love the girl I am writing about . Five years ago , I didn 't . Twenty years ago , I didn 't . As I grew up , self - hatred was as learned skill and was all that I knew , especially when I didn 't know who I was . I had no idea of the anger that lived deep within and the magnitude of the toll it took on me . Today , after years in my recovery program , I see this amazing , strong , intelligent , happy , fun loving mom and woman . I am here for a reason . I have this writing gift for a reason . I lived the life I did for a reason . I am here to write for me and for you . You the one who needs it most . The one who is confused and scared . I write this for you . From the moment you find out you are pregnant , you have a responsibility to the life living within you . You are responsible for eating well , not drinking alcohol , and not inhaling fumes from the cars driving in front of you . As your belly grows , for most of us , so does the love we have for the little unknown stranger living inside us . We talk to the stranger and somehow fall in love and become totally connected . After they are born it 's a motherly instinct to protect them and care for them . To make sure you pass on the important life lessons and keep them safe , no matter what . When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son , Todd , I was 17 and not interested in being a mom . As the months passed , I became more familiar with this stranger and I found myself enamored with him . While Derek was away in college , I would lay in bed and talk to the " stranger " living inside me . At the time , I had no idea if he were a boy or a girl so the conversation was gender neutral . One night after my school day was over , homework was done and I finished my shift at the donut shop , I finished reading the baby one of my favorite Dr Seuss books . I asked the " stranger " a question and asked the baby to kick to answer me . We talked about hockey . Football . Whether it was boy or a girl . After a few kicks here and there , I determined that said baby would play hockey when he / she grew up . To this day , Todd is not much of a liar and now , at the age of twenty - two , he 's the captain of his college lacrosse team . I guess Lacrosse is pretty close to hockey , so it all worked out . That night , over twenty - two years ago , sitting alone in my bed talking to this little stranger , we formed a bond . The day he was born , I gazed into those tiny brown eyes surrounded by the softest , pinkest skin and I apologized for being his mom . I told him I would do the best I could for him and I did . Derek and I both did . That was until I did not . Until I gave him and his two brothers all - access passes with front row seats to what an abusive relationship lookThe divorce was finalized in April . Five months and three days from the day Derek moved out and our relationship ended . That summer was the first time we did not plan a family vacation . I began to look into a beach house for me and boys to stay in for a ten - day getaway . I wanted to go home to Boston have them see our extended family and it was just a bonus that Jake would be there and it was an opportunity for him to get to know the kids better . I started to plan with Derek to figure out the details of when he would take vacation with them and when I would . A few days later I had the trip booked and the kids were excited to go to Boston for a vacation . After the ten days with me on the shore they were to fly directly to California to be with Derek for another ten days . I planned to stay with Jake while the boys were with their dad on the west coast and would meet them back in Texas . The plan was perfect . I was excited to have what I thought of as our first family vacation all perfectly planned … but of course , I was wrong . I was still in the denial of who Jake really was and by executing this plan , I chose to put my kids in the line of fire . A decision I regret to this very day . The morning we left Texas , we flew into Logan airport and got our rental car . The plan was to go see my friend Julia . After I picked Jake up , we drove to Julia 's house . She had extra bedding and was going to let us borrow it for the duration of our trip . I can 't remember exactly what happened that set Jake off , maybe I was late , maybe I gave him the wrong directions , but he was angry at me . As we pulled up to Julia 's house my stomach was in knots . My mouth was dry and I had no idea if he was going to be upset with me in front of her or if it was just a private show for me and my kids to experience . As he got out of the car , he was cheery and chipper . He thanked her for allowing us to use her bedding . Julia made a face at me and because right away she knew . She knew something was off . She had been dying to see the boys and wanted to hug them and talk to them , but Jake was clearly on a mission to leave . As he hurried things along , she covertly grabbed my hand in support . We drove away from her house and as she became smaller and smaller in my rear - view mirror , I broke a little inside . We went to the grocery store , gathered what we needed and we were off to the beach house . But even a small task like a trip to the grocery store turned into an excruciating event . He seemed to find fault with everything and everyone : how slow the line was moving and the checker wasn 't emptying the cart fast enough . He was infuriated . When we finally got to the house , I figured it would all settle down . There was Jake , out in front , putting on his nice guy charm with all the neighbors , his usual . Meanwhile , a storm was brewing inside . Boys will be boys , they left their bags on the floor and bounded toward the beach to see the water . Jake took issue with their " mess " . He said they were slobs and how could I as a mom let them live that way . I immediately defended them and told him they were excited to be at the beach and they didn 't need to be neat while on a vacation . I did not understand why he was so bothered . To keep him calm , I called the boys back and had them put their stuff away . They were not super happy with this , but they did it . Jake had rules . He wanted everything planned . He wanted everything clean and in order all the time . No excuses . I didn 't raise my kids that way and they had enough on their minds with the divorce . I figured a beach vacation would be fun . Mindless . Good memories . During the day , Jake worked and would come to the house afterwards . We would go to the beach , swim and fly kites . At times , we went to the arcades , played games and stuffed our faces with junk food . Fried dough , cotton candy and beach pizza . We went on rides and played games . The kids collected tickets from skee ball and cashed them in for a harmonica , the same way I did when I was a kid . We drove to the go - cart track and raced each other . Some nights , we made bonfires and roasted marshmallows on the sand . We talked , joked and laughed . Other nights Jake would walk in carrying his bad day on his shoulders and alcohol on his breath . That was a sure - fire sign that it wasn 't going to be a good night . When I sensed a bad day , I cleaned the house the best I could and would leave the kids by themselves at the beach to come in and make sure everything looked perfect . But I was never able to get the house cleaned enough . A few nights in he came to the house and as he walked in he began inspecting . He saw things he didn 't like and he was sure to scold me . Beach sand on the floor ( go figure ) , food on the counter and not in the cabinet and clothes not put away . One night , after inspecting , as he began to roll up his sleeves to clean , the kids came in . More times than I care to admit , my kids witnessed Jake abusing me . They heard him call me names . They would pick me up off the floor when I was sobbing . They held me when I could not hold myself up . They saw me fall . Their hearts broke for me over and over and I just could not see what was really happening . I could not recognize that they were enduring second hand abuse . They were scared for me and so very confused . They hated Jake and the way he treated me but they were also afraid of him . Afraid of what he might do to them if they stood up for me . Afraid of what their dad would do if they told him any of this . So , they didn 't say anything and they didn 't do anything . They stood by watching their mom fall apart and they suffered , silently and alone . My boys suffered because I was not strong enough to remove myself from this abuse . Not strong enough for me . I let this happen to them and I may never be able to forgive myself because I didn 't protect them from him . I did eventually get out and away , but the damage had already been done . They may have seen me fall , cry on the floor , insulted and bruised , but they are also now seeing my rise from the wreckage . They are seeing me stand up , proud and tall . They are seeing me help others . They have witnessed me fight and become the strong woman I am today . A woman who can take care of herself . A woman who has met abuse face to face and has won . I fought for me but I also fought for them . Whether the kids were his or not , they should never see their mom or dad being abused in anyway shape or form . Kids , even from infancy know exactly what is going on . They do not deserve to be in the middle of such toxicity . If you or anyone you know is in this sort of relationship , know you do not have to stay because you have kids . You are teaching them it is OKAY to be treated this way . Please , I implore you to not let them grow up thinking this sort of relationship is normal or even acceptable . They deserve a happy life without second hand abuse . By staying , enduring and " taking it " , you are allowing their minds to be distorted , just the same way I did . Kelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror Episode 6 : Discovering You , Discovering Me … On February 16 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , Uncategorized1 Comment I can 't pinpoint exactly when it happened . Or when it began to happen . But somewhere between the romantic texts and calls , gifts and door openings , he morphed into who he really was . Over time and in his own sloppiness , pieces of him began to show . Each time a piece of the real Jake began to peek through , he quickly diverted my attention and I thought I was imagining things . But I wasn 't . He was just good at what he did . He was good at his craft . He had years and years of practice before seeking me out . In the beginning , while he was " courting " me , we discussed deal breakers and what our turn offs were . I was not attracted to men who smoked and I could not be with anyone who did . He told me he didn 't smoke , but he used to and quit because it was a " gross habit " . We talked about our families , our past relationships and everything in between . I told him about my dad and how he passed away at 50 because he was an alcoholic and never took care of himself . I told him how awful it was growing up with an alcoholic dad who was also addicted to gambling . It was no way to live and I refused to let that back into my life . He told me about his parents and the abuse he endured while growing up . He said he didn 't like the environment he was raised in and because of the way his mom would yell , he hated to be yelled at . He told me about his drinking habits from years ago and how he didn 't do that anymore . He also revealed that he used to gamble , but it was too risky now . At the time , this was all music to my ears because Jake was a changed man and he had learned from his mistakes . Derek never had any of those vices . He liked ice cream and coaching our boys ' teams . This was a whole new kind of relationship and although different , I assumed it would be fundamentally the same . As Jake and I talked and I learned more and more about him , I felt better during my discovery phase . Little didAs the time passed , I realized more and more of what we had talked about was not the real him . During a visit home to Boston , I drove past the car dealership where Jake worked . As clear as day I could see him standing outside smoking with one of his coworkers . The cigarette went from his mouth , down to his side and back up again . I watched him smoking as I sat in traffic . Now , because I know I was a bit of a tyrant with Derek , I didn 't want to be a crazy person and freak out on him . Instead , I texted him and I asked him if he was outside smoking . His response was that he was standing near someone who was smoking but he would never , calling it " a filthy habit " . Wow , I thought to myself . He just lied to me and … So easily . I saw with my own two eyes him put a cigarette to his mouth and he just told me he didn 't . With further questioning , he eventually fessed up that he does smoke when he 's at work because it " helped relieve some stress " . After finding this out , I thought back to our conversation about it when we first met . I thought to myself , " Ok so he smokes when he 's stressed , that is not so bad at least he 's not a gambler and doesn 't drink very often " . Later that night , I picked him up from work we talked about it his smoking and the fact that he blatantly lied to me . This is when I learned that he didn 't like being pressed with questions and in fact , it made him very angry . I began to notice a trend … he got angry very easily and often . I could not understand why he just didn 't tell me in the beginning that he was a smoker . He didn 't like those sort of questions either so when he began to yell , I backed down . Weeks later , after I was back in Texas , I started to realize how much he drank . There was a pattern with him going out after work . At first , it didn 't happen all that often . While he was at work we would talk and text throughout the day and by the time he was off , he was in his car and I was on the phone with him . We would talk all night and then slowly , he started to call me less . Our conversations were shorter and his after work bar visits increased . While he was out , he would still text or call , but more often than not , he would ask me to call him at a certain time to remind him to leave the bar and go home . Eventually , my calls would go unanswered or he would pick up and yell at me for bothering him , hang up on me and then not take my calls . The next day he would apologize and express how bad he felt , stay home for a few nights and then the cycle would repeat . He had a pattern and I was beginning to become very familiar with it . One night , while I was home in Texas with my kids , he called to let me know he was going out . He again asked me to call him at midnight to remind him to go home . I reluctantly agreed and when I called , he got mad and hung up on me . A few hours later , my phone rang and Jake was on the other end of the line . He was panicked . He had been pulled over and had no idea what was going to happen . The call was cut short and I didn 't hear back from him that night . That was the night he was arrested with a DUI . The next morning , when he called he was a complete mess . He was crying because he was already on parole and was terrified that this would be a major violation and he would be sent back to prison . As we were on the phone , my heart was breaking for him . I was so upset and so scared . I immediately booked a flight for the next day so I could be there with him when he went to see his probation officer . He had previously been in jail for five years and that was because his best friend set him up by placing drugs in his house so the FBI would find them and he would take the fall . He was senteI wanted to protect him . I wanted to save him . I thought if anyone could love the darkness out of this man , it would be me . There were times when I saw such goodness in him . Once , when my grandmother was sick and in a nursing home back home in Boston , my mom called me and she was in a state of panic . She was worried about my grandmother and didn 't want to be alone . I told Jake what was going on with her and minutes later he was in his car headed to comfort my mom . He sat with both my grandmother and my mom until she was stable . He talked to them , made them laugh and held their hands . I felt better and my mom did too . He then began to go visit my grandmother in her nursing home . She had no idea who he was , but she had a smile on her face when he would enter the room . He visited weekly and for Christmas he gave her an angel that sat on top of her dresser . It would light up different colors and she adored it . I remember one day driving on the highway , a car almost hit me and as I swerved , I almost drove off the road . I called him upset and shaking . He talked to me calmly , had me pull over and asked me to check for something in the trunk . As I got out of the car and looked in the trunk , he told me there was nothing in there and he wanted me to breathe . There was a good man deep down and I saw a light in a very dark place . I thought , " If I loved him enough , the light would shine brighter and he would be ok " . We would be ok . I tried for years and finally I had to give up . As I incessantly tried to search for that dim , dull light inside of him , my light smoldered and eventually was extinguished . I could feel it burning out , but I thought I would be ok . I thought I could be enough for us both . Jake didn 't want to be saved . He felt there was nothing wrong with the way he talked to me . A few months into our relationship , we were at his parents ' house . He was living with them at the time because financially he could not get on his feet . He got into an argument with his parents and I remember my stomach turning andKelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror ~ Episode 5 : Objects in Mirror are Closer Than They Appear . . On February 9 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , Uncategorized3 Comments As the days turned into months and life moved forward , my divorce became more and more of a reality . One afternoon while the kids were in school , Derek came over . He walked upstairs , cut through the living room and sat at the solid wood , custom ordered dining room table we picked out together . He took his usual seat and I pulled out the chair next to him . He opened my laptop that was already sitting on the table . As he began to type we made small talk and I watched the clock carefully . I was not expecting a call from Jake , but I was anxious . I was afraid he was going to discover my soon to be ex - husband was not only in my house but sitting at my table , next to me . He would not like that . As sweat began to produce in my hands , Derek and I filed for divorce … together . We picked out who would have the kids on which days . Who would have them on their birthdays and for which year . I would take Christmas and he would take Thanksgiving every other year . We had to decide who would have them on every single holiday , even Flag Day . As Americans , we have so many holidays . So as Derek and I figured out where our kids would be on Martin Luther King Jr . Day , I continued to watch the clock and my phone . We discussed health insurance , car insurance and who would pay what for the kids . He did the math in his head and I felt nostalgic because I loved that about him . He sat there with his eyes closed as he crunched numbers in his head and I just wanted to reach out to him one last time . I wanted to tell him I still loved him and wanted us to work , but I didn 't . I knew we no longer wanted the same things out of life . He spat out a few numbers , jotted them down and we moved on to other things . We sat next to each other for about an hour and dismantled the life we spent over 20 years building . And just like that , it was done . Over . Filed . We were getting divorced . Derek and I , who had our oldest son as teeThat day after Derek left , I made my way to my bedroom , crawled onto " our " bed and cried . I began to mourn the end of the only thing that was ever familiar to me . The only thing that was ever home to me . Derek and I in a sense grew up together . We had to figure out a lot of life while we were together . Now , I was on my own . But then again , I had Jake to lean on . I knew I had to call him before he began to wonder where I was . I sat up in my bed , wiped my tears , cleared my throat , and called Jake . I told him we filed and now we had the two month " cooling off " period and then it would be done . I had on a strong , cold can 't wait for it to just be over voice on while I talked to Jake . The truth was I was dying inside . I wanted to tell Jake how sad I was . I wanted to be able to open up to him and let him know I was hurting . I wanted him to take care of me and tell me everything was going to be ok … but I didn 't . I didn 't tell him what my heart was feeling . I didn 't think he would understand . I was not sure he was even capable of comprehending what I was going through . After we hung up , I threw the covers over my head and cried until I had to pick up the kids . I had a lot of moments like that . A lot of telling him great things about my days and what I was busy with , but in reality I was beginning to fall apart . The 5 to 10 days I thought I needed to get over Derek were turning out to be a lot longer and a lot more intense . I called Derek a lot . I cried to him a lot . He would take my calls and try to help me though it . He would respond to my texts and take me out to dinner to see if I was doing okay . I could tell Derek how I felt . I could tell Derek I missed him . I could fall apart with Derek … but not with Jake . So , I began to see a therapist . I knew I needed help getting through this . I knew Derek and I were not good together and that I wanted to be with Jake but I could not figure out why I was still so sad . Jake had no idea how much pain I was in . To this day , he has no idea how much I was suffering with the end of my marriage while trying so hard to begin something with him at the exact same time . A few times I thought about ending it with Jake , but then I would panic . I would be alone and that scared me . I thought it would be better to suffer than it was than to be alone . Suffering seemed to be my hobby at this point . The only thing I knew how to do and I did it well . Between dealing with my divorce and my relationship with Jake , I was a complete mess . While I was working through being on my own and trying to figure out who I was , Jake was asking where I was , who was I with and why didn 't I take his call . " Who do you talk to at the gym ? Why do you find it necessary to workout ? " he would ask . It became too much for me . All of the arguing with Jake was no longer worth it … so I gave up the gym . I began to eat fast food , cookies , pie … you name it . I was indulging daily on everything I was taught not to eat while I was competing and modeling . I began to add weight but I figured as long as I could still see my lower abs , I would be fine . Well , that didn 't last long . I was traveling back and forth from Texas to Boston twice a month and when I was home in Boston , I was eating and drinking . I no longer cared about working out and Jake insisted that he loved the way I looked … but deep down , I felt sad and gross . I missed my workouts and eating routine . But because it was less stress on my new relationship , I pushed those feeling down and covered them with burgers and fries . The only place I felt safe was when I was 30 , 000 feet in the air . Only then , could I be myself , let it all out and cry . Jake could not reach me and I didn 't have to pretend to be happy . The days I volunteered at the school slowly fizzled and soon I wasn 't helping out at the school anymore . I was slowly becoming a shell of my former self … . I would later realize I was falling into a deep depression . I was either crying over the end of my marriage , my family or I was explaining myself to Jake . Things started to get dark for me and the walls were closing in . I became unrecognizable to myself . One afternoon , after the kids left for their dad 's house , I was talking to Jake . After the call ended , I found myself on the bathroom floor , barely able to hold my head up . I was gone … so was my will to live . I rummaged through my pill bottles and swallowed as many as I could . I could not do it anymore . I could not take it anymore . I had no direction . I had no desire . I felt that I had nothing left . I felt I had no choice . I layed on the cold tile floor wondering what I had just done but not able to muster up the strength to react . Luckily , not long after , a friend who was in the neighborhood , dropped by to say hello . She found me there , limp on the bathroom floor , picked me up and managed to help me vomit . Needless to say , I failed at my attempt . To this day , neither Jake nor Derek , much less my kids knew I wanted to end my life that day . It isn 't until now , that they may learn of how gone I really was . It was a tough time in my life but I managed somehow to get through it . I kept seeing Jake and putting on a strong front when he was around . I put up that front because I knew Jake wouldn 't understand . I was not protecting him from anything . I was protecting me from him . I didn 't want him to know I was sad . He wouldn 't have liked it very much and it was just easier to pretend to be okay than it was to be honest with him about my feelings . He would not understand that I wasn 't still in love with Derek but mourning the loss of my marriage . I was just sad . So I faked it . I faked being happy with the way my life was going . Truth be told , I felt defeated , destroyed . I was in pieces and I needed some time to feel and recover from the end of my marriage . I needed to be on my own to figure out who I was . I needed time to just be with my kids and be there for them . I didn 't take time for me or for my kids . I chose to put Jake first . I chose to talk to him and listen to him bitch about his day rather than read to my sons or watch a movie with them . I chose to explain every single move I made to him over sitting close to my boys to make sure they were okay . I made these choices and I regret them to this very day . My kids needed a healthy mom more than I needed a man . A man who made me anxious and paranoid if I missed his call . A man who called me names and put me down when I was suicidal . A man who was so concerned about himself that he never once asked me if I was okay . A man who was so upset about my social media page that I had to go through and delete every guy friend and every picture I had of me , Derek and the kids . I was not ready to do that but I did it to please him . I deleted it all just to make things " easier " in my relationship with him . I had a choice in all of this and I chose him over everything , myself included . I didn 't love myself . I didn 't know how . I was lost and confused and I was weak . I thought at the time that what I was doing was right . But it wasn 't …

On June 2 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romanceLeave a comment " As I sat across the table from him , just him , I felt as ease . Safe . Happy . Interested . In that moment and for the rest of the night , that was the only place I wanted to be , near him . For the first time in a very long time , Jake was not present with me . With us . It was just the two of us laughing , living , and beginning again " . On May 19 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment Click on the link to hear my very first podcast show . Bear with me as I am still working out the kinks . Soon to be released on iTunes and Google Play . If you or someone you know is or has been in a narcissistic relationship and you are interested in being a guest on my show , please email me at ~ letsgetwickeddeep @ yahoo . com On April 6 , 2017April 6 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment Freedom . According to Merriam - Webster , freedom is defined as the absence of necessity , coercion , or constraint in choice or action . It comes in many forms and means something different to all of us . Lately , I have been living vicariously through my second oldest Godson Zackary . Zack is 23 and he is an amazing young man . I don 't mean amazing in a way that only a Godmother would see her Godson but rather , he is amazing in spirit . He is honest , reliable and incredibly free spirited . He is secure enough with himself to grow his hair out , take crap for it and never think twice of someone else 's opinion of him . He lives the life he wants to live and is only concerned with what he and the good Lord think of his decisions . Like all kids , they rely heavily on us for support . Whether it be food , transportation , finances or to simply cheer them on from the sideline and be there to lift them up after a major loss , we are there every step of the way . As we watch them grow , we are proud of the choices they make and who they are becoming . But at some point , we become less and less of a priority to them and we end up observing their lives after they have moved out on their own . Through the sometimes blurry windows of social media , there are glimpses into their daily lives , friendships and careers . They come home when they can and even occasionally take a call or return a text . For the most part , they are on the forefront of our minds and we are in their back pockets as sort of a safety net when they need us . It is nothing personal , but it is part of the growing pains we feel as a parent ( Godparent in this case ) . We love our kids from a distance and watch the wings we have given them begin to expand . This past Christmas , instead of watching Zack 's typical life adventures that take him snowboarding , cliff jumping or hopping in his car to go where the wind takes him , he let me know he was coming home for a few days . Zack sneaks in and out as to not upset or disturb the lives of the people he can 't see . This year , I was lucky enough to not only get a text back and a call , but I was able to come face to face with the elusive boy turned man that I am grateful to call family . Five years have passed since our divorce and like every Christmas Eve , Derek has the kids until 10pm . He brings them to my house and they boys and I are able to wake up and spend Christmas Day together . I was getting ready to go to a friend 's house for a group Christmas Eve dinner when my phone buzzed . I looked down . Zack was on his way ! We texted back and forth a few times until his face was finally at my front door . He rang the bell and walked in . Zack standing 5 ' 11 with this dark brown hair grown out to his shoulders , was wearing a giant smile on his face and peaking through his lips were his shiny white teeth . I rushed over and threw my arms around him , squeezing him tightly . Zack , who is not much of a hugger knew the drill … I will not release him from the hug until l get both arms around me . He did what he knew had to and he hugged me back . We made small talk about life and the amazing journey he was on , places he had been visiting and about his love life . We sat outside on the back deck , he took pictures of the water and took in the view , I texted my son , Todd , to let him know Zack was at the house and invited him to come by to see him . As we chatted , laughed , and talked about his future plans , a flash of light bounced off the stone pillars on the deck . I looked behind me and thought I saw a headlight and figured it was my son . Todd and Zack got along pretty well and it was always great when they could get together . As my own kids grew , one ran off to college to play lacrosse in Missouri and the other one went off to school but stayed in Texas and my Godsons , all four of them followed suit . Three took off to play college football in different states and the youngest headed off to serve his mission for two years in Argentina . So , with all the boys scattered , it was a blessing to see all of them together again when possible . It wasn 't a surprise to see that Todd rushed over to see Zach , even if only for a few minutes . A minute or two passed and when Todd didn 't come barreling through the door , I figWeird , I thought . Maybe it was Todd and he was finishing up a call ? I was startled when I heard a knock at the door . I looked at Zack and without reason , my heart sank . I looked at the door and through the frosted glass opening , I could a face looking inside . We made our way into the house and towards the door . Zack followed close behind me and I began to make out the figure . Derek ? I thought to myself . I thought to myself he must be bringing Joseph , our youngest son , now 15 , over early for Christmas Eve , but had no idea why he would do that . As I got closer to the door , I was now convinced it was Derek and I was excited for him to see Zack . As we approached the door we laughed and thought it was a great coincidence that he came by while Zack was visiting . As I opened the door and peeked my head out just a little , my heart , my jaw and my stomach hit the floor . My mouth dried up , chest grew tight and I anxiously locked eyes with Zack . Seconds later , Jake pushed the door open and walked in … On February 23 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment With tear - filled eyes , a heavy heart , and mild hatred for myself lingering in the back of my mind , I write this episode . It has been a difficult yet therapeutic process for me . When I first started putting this series together months ago , before pen ever touched paper , I was afraid of my own feelings . I was scared that I would start feeling something for him again . I was afraid I was going to miss him or fall back in " love " with him . But this process has had quite the opposite effect on me . I feel today as if he never existed . As much as I would love to tell you that he and this relationship were made up in my mind … they weren 't . The tears are real . The pain is thick and it 's heavy . The tears and pain are not for him , but for me . As I write I realize that I love the girl I am writing about . Five years ago , I didn 't . Twenty years ago , I didn 't . As I grew up , self - hatred was as learned skill and was all that I knew , especially when I didn 't know who I was . I had no idea of the anger that lived deep within and the magnitude of the toll it took on me . Today , after years in my recovery program , I see this amazing , strong , intelligent , happy , fun loving mom and woman . I am here for a reason . I have this writing gift for a reason . I lived the life I did for a reason . I am here to write for me and for you . You the one who needs it most . The one who is confused and scared . I write this for you . From the moment you find out you are pregnant , you have a responsibility to the life living within you . You are responsible for eating well , not drinking alcohol , and not inhaling fumes from the cars driving in front of you . As your belly grows , for most of us , so does the love we have for the little unknown stranger living inside us . We talk to the stranger and somehow fall in love and become totally connected . After they are born it 's a motherly instinct to protect them and care for them . To make sure you pass on the important life lessons and keep them safe , no matter what . When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son , Todd , I was 17 and not interested in being a mom . As the months passed , I became more familiar with this stranger and I found myself enamored with him . While Derek was away in college , I would lay in bed and talk to the " stranger " living inside me . At the time , I had no idea if he were a boy or a girl so the conversation was gender neutral . One night after my school day was over , homework was done and I finished my shift at the donut shop , I finished reading the baby one of my favorite Dr Seuss books . I asked the " stranger " a question and asked the baby to kick to answer me . We talked about hockey . Football . Whether it was boy or a girl . After a few kicks here and there , I determined that said baby would play hockey when he / she grew up . To this day , Todd is not much of a liar and now , at the age of twenty - two , he 's the captain of his college lacrosse team . I guess Lacrosse is pretty close to hockey , so it all worked out . That night , over twenty - two years ago , sitting alone in my bed talking to this little stranger , we formed a bond . The day he was born , I gazed into those tiny brown eyes surrounded by the softest , pinkest skin and I apologized for being his mom . I told him I would do the best I could for him and I did . Derek and I both did . That was until I did not . Until I gave him and his two brothers all - access passes with front row seats to what an abusive relationship lookThe divorce was finalized in April . Five months and three days from the day Derek moved out and our relationship ended . That summer was the first time we did not plan a family vacation . I began to look into a beach house for me and boys to stay in for a ten - day getaway . I wanted to go home to Boston have them see our extended family and it was just a bonus that Jake would be there and it was an opportunity for him to get to know the kids better . I started to plan with Derek to figure out the details of when he would take vacation with them and when I would . A few days later I had the trip booked and the kids were excited to go to Boston for a vacation . After the ten days with me on the shore they were to fly directly to California to be with Derek for another ten days . I planned to stay with Jake while the boys were with their dad on the west coast and would meet them back in Texas . The plan was perfect . I was excited to have what I thought of as our first family vacation all perfectly planned … but of course , I was wrong . I was still in the denial of who Jake really was and by executing this plan , I chose to put my kids in the line of fire . A decision I regret to this very day . The morning we left Texas , we flew into Logan airport and got our rental car . The plan was to go see my friend Julia . After I picked Jake up , we drove to Julia 's house . She had extra bedding and was going to let us borrow it for the duration of our trip . I can 't remember exactly what happened that set Jake off , maybe I was late , maybe I gave him the wrong directions , but he was angry at me . As we pulled up to Julia 's house my stomach was in knots . My mouth was dry and I had no idea if he was going to be upset with me in front of her or if it was just a private show for me and my kids to experience . As he got out of the car , he was cheery and chipper . He thanked her for allowing us to use her bedding . Julia made a face at me and because right away she knew . She knew something was off . She had been dying to see the boys and wanted to hug them and talk to them , but Jake was clearly on a mission to leave . As he hurried things along , she covertly grabbed my hand in support . We drove away from her house and as she became smaller and smaller in my rear - view mirror , I broke a little inside . We went to the grocery store , gathered what we needed and we were off to the beach house . But even a small task like a trip to the grocery store turned into an excruciating event . He seemed to find fault with everything and everyone : how slow the line was moving and the checker wasn 't emptying the cart fast enough . He was infuriated . When we finally got to the house , I figured it would all settle down . There was Jake , out in front , putting on his nice guy charm with all the neighbors , his usual . Meanwhile , a storm was brewing inside . Boys will be boys , they left their bags on the floor and bounded toward the beach to see the water . Jake took issue with their " mess " . He said they were slobs and how could I as a mom let them live that way . I immediately defended them and told him they were excited to be at the beach and they didn 't need to be neat while on a vacation . I did not understand why he was so bothered . To keep him calm , I called the boys back and had them put their stuff away . They were not super happy with this , but they did it . Jake had rules . He wanted everything planned . He wanted everything clean and in order all the time . No excuses . I didn 't raise my kids that way and they had enough on their minds with the divorce . I figured a beach vacation would be fun . Mindless . Good memories . During the day , Jake worked and would come to the house afterwards . We would go to the beach , swim and fly kites . At times , we went to the arcades , played games and stuffed our faces with junk food . Fried dough , cotton candy and beach pizza . We went on rides and played games . The kids collected tickets from skee ball and cashed them in for a harmonica , the same way I did when I was a kid . We drove to the go - cart track and raced each other . Some nights , we made bonfires and roasted marshmallows on the sand . We talked , joked and laughed . Other nights Jake would walk in carrying his bad day on his shoulders and alcohol on his breath . That was a sure - fire sign that it wasn 't going to be a good night . When I sensed a bad day , I cleaned the house the best I could and would leave the kids by themselves at the beach to come in and make sure everything looked perfect . But I was never able to get the house cleaned enough . A few nights in he came to the house and as he walked in he began inspecting . He saw things he didn 't like and he was sure to scold me . Beach sand on the floor ( go figure ) , food on the counter and not in the cabinet and clothes not put away . One night , after inspecting , as he began to roll up his sleeves to clean , the kids came in . More times than I care to admit , my kids witnessed Jake abusing me . They heard him call me names . They would pick me up off the floor when I was sobbing . They held me when I could not hold myself up . They saw me fall . Their hearts broke for me over and over and I just could not see what was really happening . I could not recognize that they were enduring second hand abuse . They were scared for me and so very confused . They hated Jake and the way he treated me but they were also afraid of him . Afraid of what he might do to them if they stood up for me . Afraid of what their dad would do if they told him any of this . So , they didn 't say anything and they didn 't do anything . They stood by watching their mom fall apart and they suffered , silently and alone . My boys suffered because I was not strong enough to remove myself from this abuse . Not strong enough for me . I let this happen to them and I may never be able to forgive myself because I didn 't protect them from him . I did eventually get out and away , but the damage had already been done . They may have seen me fall , cry on the floor , insulted and bruised , but they are also now seeing my rise from the wreckage . They are seeing me stand up , proud and tall . They are seeing me help others . They have witnessed me fight and become the strong woman I am today . A woman who can take care of herself . A woman who has met abuse face to face and has won . I fought for me but I also fought for them . Whether the kids were his or not , they should never see their mom or dad being abused in anyway shape or form . Kids , even from infancy know exactly what is going on . They do not deserve to be in the middle of such toxicity . If you or anyone you know is in this sort of relationship , know you do not have to stay because you have kids . You are teaching them it is OKAY to be treated this way . Please , I implore you to not let them grow up thinking this sort of relationship is normal or even acceptable . They deserve a happy life without second hand abuse . By staying , enduring and " taking it " , you are allowing their minds to be distorted , just the same way I did . Kelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror Episode 6 : Discovering You , Discovering Me … On February 16 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , Uncategorized1 Comment I can 't pinpoint exactly when it happened . Or when it began to happen . But somewhere between the romantic texts and calls , gifts and door openings , he morphed into who he really was . Over time and in his own sloppiness , pieces of him began to show . Each time a piece of the real Jake began to peek through , he quickly diverted my attention and I thought I was imagining things . But I wasn 't . He was just good at what he did . He was good at his craft . He had years and years of practice before seeking me out . In the beginning , while he was " courting " me , we discussed deal breakers and what our turn offs were . I was not attracted to men who smoked and I could not be with anyone who did . He told me he didn 't smoke , but he used to and quit because it was a " gross habit " . We talked about our families , our past relationships and everything in between . I told him about my dad and how he passed away at 50 because he was an alcoholic and never took care of himself . I told him how awful it was growing up with an alcoholic dad who was also addicted to gambling . It was no way to live and I refused to let that back into my life . He told me about his parents and the abuse he endured while growing up . He said he didn 't like the environment he was raised in and because of the way his mom would yell , he hated to be yelled at . He told me about his drinking habits from years ago and how he didn 't do that anymore . He also revealed that he used to gamble , but it was too risky now . At the time , this was all music to my ears because Jake was a changed man and he had learned from his mistakes . Derek never had any of those vices . He liked ice cream and coaching our boys ' teams . This was a whole new kind of relationship and although different , I assumed it would be fundamentally the same . As Jake and I talked and I learned more and more about him , I felt better during my discovery phase . Little didAs the time passed , I realized more and more of what we had talked about was not the real him . During a visit home to Boston , I drove past the car dealership where Jake worked . As clear as day I could see him standing outside smoking with one of his coworkers . The cigarette went from his mouth , down to his side and back up again . I watched him smoking as I sat in traffic . Now , because I know I was a bit of a tyrant with Derek , I didn 't want to be a crazy person and freak out on him . Instead , I texted him and I asked him if he was outside smoking . His response was that he was standing near someone who was smoking but he would never , calling it " a filthy habit " . Wow , I thought to myself . He just lied to me and … So easily . I saw with my own two eyes him put a cigarette to his mouth and he just told me he didn 't . With further questioning , he eventually fessed up that he does smoke when he 's at work because it " helped relieve some stress " . After finding this out , I thought back to our conversation about it when we first met . I thought to myself , " Ok so he smokes when he 's stressed , that is not so bad at least he 's not a gambler and doesn 't drink very often " . Later that night , I picked him up from work we talked about it his smoking and the fact that he blatantly lied to me . This is when I learned that he didn 't like being pressed with questions and in fact , it made him very angry . I began to notice a trend … he got angry very easily and often . I could not understand why he just didn 't tell me in the beginning that he was a smoker . He didn 't like those sort of questions either so when he began to yell , I backed down . Weeks later , after I was back in Texas , I started to realize how much he drank . There was a pattern with him going out after work . At first , it didn 't happen all that often . While he was at work we would talk and text throughout the day and by the time he was off , he was in his car and I was on the phone with him . We would talk all night and then slowly , he started to call me less . Our conversations were shorter and his after work bar visits increased . While he was out , he would still text or call , but more often than not , he would ask me to call him at a certain time to remind him to leave the bar and go home . Eventually , my calls would go unanswered or he would pick up and yell at me for bothering him , hang up on me and then not take my calls . The next day he would apologize and express how bad he felt , stay home for a few nights and then the cycle would repeat . He had a pattern and I was beginning to become very familiar with it . One night , while I was home in Texas with my kids , he called to let me know he was going out . He again asked me to call him at midnight to remind him to go home . I reluctantly agreed and when I called , he got mad and hung up on me . A few hours later , my phone rang and Jake was on the other end of the line . He was panicked . He had been pulled over and had no idea what was going to happen . The call was cut short and I didn 't hear back from him that night . That was the night he was arrested with a DUI . The next morning , when he called he was a complete mess . He was crying because he was already on parole and was terrified that this would be a major violation and he would be sent back to prison . As we were on the phone , my heart was breaking for him . I was so upset and so scared . I immediately booked a flight for the next day so I could be there with him when he went to see his probation officer . He had previously been in jail for five years and that was because his best friend set him up by placing drugs in his house so the FBI would find them and he would take the fall . He was senteI wanted to protect him . I wanted to save him . I thought if anyone could love the darkness out of this man , it would be me . There were times when I saw such goodness in him . Once , when my grandmother was sick and in a nursing home back home in Boston , my mom called me and she was in a state of panic . She was worried about my grandmother and didn 't want to be alone . I told Jake what was going on with her and minutes later he was in his car headed to comfort my mom . He sat with both my grandmother and my mom until she was stable . He talked to them , made them laugh and held their hands . I felt better and my mom did too . He then began to go visit my grandmother in her nursing home . She had no idea who he was , but she had a smile on her face when he would enter the room . He visited weekly and for Christmas he gave her an angel that sat on top of her dresser . It would light up different colors and she adored it . I remember one day driving on the highway , a car almost hit me and as I swerved , I almost drove off the road . I called him upset and shaking . He talked to me calmly , had me pull over and asked me to check for something in the trunk . As I got out of the car and looked in the trunk , he told me there was nothing in there and he wanted me to breathe . There was a good man deep down and I saw a light in a very dark place . I thought , " If I loved him enough , the light would shine brighter and he would be ok " . We would be ok . I tried for years and finally I had to give up . As I incessantly tried to search for that dim , dull light inside of him , my light smoldered and eventually was extinguished . I could feel it burning out , but I thought I would be ok . I thought I could be enough for us both . Jake didn 't want to be saved . He felt there was nothing wrong with the way he talked to me . A few months into our relationship , we were at his parents ' house . He was living with them at the time because financially he could not get on his feet . He got into an argument with his parents and I remember my stomach turning andKelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror ~ Episode 5 : Objects in Mirror are Closer Than They Appear . . On February 9 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , Uncategorized3 Comments As the days turned into months and life moved forward , my divorce became more and more of a reality . One afternoon while the kids were in school , Derek came over . He walked upstairs , cut through the living room and sat at the solid wood , custom ordered dining room table we picked out together . He took his usual seat and I pulled out the chair next to him . He opened my laptop that was already sitting on the table . As he began to type we made small talk and I watched the clock carefully . I was not expecting a call from Jake , but I was anxious . I was afraid he was going to discover my soon to be ex - husband was not only in my house but sitting at my table , next to me . He would not like that . As sweat began to produce in my hands , Derek and I filed for divorce … together . We picked out who would have the kids on which days . Who would have them on their birthdays and for which year . I would take Christmas and he would take Thanksgiving every other year . We had to decide who would have them on every single holiday , even Flag Day . As Americans , we have so many holidays . So as Derek and I figured out where our kids would be on Martin Luther King Jr . Day , I continued to watch the clock and my phone . We discussed health insurance , car insurance and who would pay what for the kids . He did the math in his head and I felt nostalgic because I loved that about him . He sat there with his eyes closed as he crunched numbers in his head and I just wanted to reach out to him one last time . I wanted to tell him I still loved him and wanted us to work , but I didn 't . I knew we no longer wanted the same things out of life . He spat out a few numbers , jotted them down and we moved on to other things . We sat next to each other for about an hour and dismantled the life we spent over 20 years building . And just like that , it was done . Over . Filed . We were getting divorced . Derek and I , who had our oldest son as teeThat day after Derek left , I made my way to my bedroom , crawled onto " our " bed and cried . I began to mourn the end of the only thing that was ever familiar to me . The only thing that was ever home to me . Derek and I in a sense grew up together . We had to figure out a lot of life while we were together . Now , I was on my own . But then again , I had Jake to lean on . I knew I had to call him before he began to wonder where I was . I sat up in my bed , wiped my tears , cleared my throat , and called Jake . I told him we filed and now we had the two month " cooling off " period and then it would be done . I had on a strong , cold can 't wait for it to just be over voice on while I talked to Jake . The truth was I was dying inside . I wanted to tell Jake how sad I was . I wanted to be able to open up to him and let him know I was hurting . I wanted him to take care of me and tell me everything was going to be ok … but I didn 't . I didn 't tell him what my heart was feeling . I didn 't think he would understand . I was not sure he was even capable of comprehending what I was going through . After we hung up , I threw the covers over my head and cried until I had to pick up the kids . I had a lot of moments like that . A lot of telling him great things about my days and what I was busy with , but in reality I was beginning to fall apart . The 5 to 10 days I thought I needed to get over Derek were turning out to be a lot longer and a lot more intense . I called Derek a lot . I cried to him a lot . He would take my calls and try to help me though it . He would respond to my texts and take me out to dinner to see if I was doing okay . I could tell Derek how I felt . I could tell Derek I missed him . I could fall apart with Derek … but not with Jake . So , I began to see a therapist . I knew I needed help getting through this . I knew Derek and I were not good together and that I wanted to be with Jake but I could not figure out why I was still so sad . Jake had no idea how much pain I was in . To this day , he has no idea how much I was suffering with the end of my marriage while trying so hard to begin something with him at the exact same time . A few times I thought about ending it with Jake , but then I would panic . I would be alone and that scared me . I thought it would be better to suffer than it was than to be alone . Suffering seemed to be my hobby at this point . The only thing I knew how to do and I did it well . Between dealing with my divorce and my relationship with Jake , I was a complete mess . While I was working through being on my own and trying to figure out who I was , Jake was asking where I was , who was I with and why didn 't I take his call . " Who do you talk to at the gym ? Why do you find it necessary to workout ? " he would ask . It became too much for me . All of the arguing with Jake was no longer worth it … so I gave up the gym . I began to eat fast food , cookies , pie … you name it . I was indulging daily on everything I was taught not to eat while I was competing and modeling . I began to add weight but I figured as long as I could still see my lower abs , I would be fine . Well , that didn 't last long . I was traveling back and forth from Texas to Boston twice a month and when I was home in Boston , I was eating and drinking . I no longer cared about working out and Jake insisted that he loved the way I looked … but deep down , I felt sad and gross . I missed my workouts and eating routine . But because it was less stress on my new relationship , I pushed those feeling down and covered them with burgers and fries . The only place I felt safe was when I was 30 , 000 feet in the air . Only then , could I be myself , let it all out and cry . Jake could not reach me and I didn 't have to pretend to be happy . The days I volunteered at the school slowly fizzled and soon I wasn 't helping out at the school anymore . I was slowly becoming a shell of my former self … . I would later realize I was falling into a deep depression . I was either crying over the end of my marriage , my family or I was explaining myself to Jake . Things started to get dark for me and the walls were closing in . I became unrecognizable to myself . One afternoon , after the kids left for their dad 's house , I was talking to Jake . After the call ended , I found myself on the bathroom floor , barely able to hold my head up . I was gone … so was my will to live . I rummaged through my pill bottles and swallowed as many as I could . I could not do it anymore . I could not take it anymore . I had no direction . I had no desire . I felt that I had nothing left . I felt I had no choice . I layed on the cold tile floor wondering what I had just done but not able to muster up the strength to react . Luckily , not long after , a friend who was in the neighborhood , dropped by to say hello . She found me there , limp on the bathroom floor , picked me up and managed to help me vomit . Needless to say , I failed at my attempt . To this day , neither Jake nor Derek , much less my kids knew I wanted to end my life that day . It isn 't until now , that they may learn of how gone I really was . It was a tough time in my life but I managed somehow to get through it . I kept seeing Jake and putting on a strong front when he was around . I put up that front because I knew Jake wouldn 't understand . I was not protecting him from anything . I was protecting me from him . I didn 't want him to know I was sad . He wouldn 't have liked it very much and it was just easier to pretend to be okay than it was to be honest with him about my feelings . He would not understand that I wasn 't still in love with Derek but mourning the loss of my marriage . I was just sad . So I faked it . I faked being happy with the way my life was going . Truth be told , I felt defeated , destroyed . I was in pieces and I needed some time to feel and recover from the end of my marriage . I needed to be on my own to figure out who I was . I needed time to just be with my kids and be there for them . I didn 't take time for me or for my kids . I chose to put Jake first . I chose to talk to him and listen to him bitch about his day rather than read to my sons or watch a movie with them . I chose to explain every single move I made to him over sitting close to my boys to make sure they were okay . I made these choices and I regret them to this very day . My kids needed a healthy mom more than I needed a man . A man who made me anxious and paranoid if I missed his call . A man who called me names and put me down when I was suicidal . A man who was so concerned about himself that he never once asked me if I was okay . A man who was so upset about my social media page that I had to go through and delete every guy friend and every picture I had of me , Derek and the kids . I was not ready to do that but I did it to please him . I deleted it all just to make things " easier " in my relationship with him . I had a choice in all of this and I chose him over everything , myself included . I didn 't love myself . I didn 't know how . I was lost and confused and I was weak . I thought at the time that what I was doing was right . But it wasn 't …

On June 2 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romanceLeave a comment " As I sat across the table from him , just him , I felt as ease . Safe . Happy . Interested . In that moment and for the rest of the night , that was the only place I wanted to be , near him . For the first time in a very long time , Jake was not present with me . With us . It was just the two of us laughing , living , and beginning again " . On May 19 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment Click on the link to hear my very first podcast show . Bear with me as I am still working out the kinks . Soon to be released on iTunes and Google Play . If you or someone you know is or has been in a narcissistic relationship and you are interested in being a guest on my show , please email me at ~ letsgetwickeddeep @ yahoo . com On April 6 , 2017April 6 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment Freedom . According to Merriam - Webster , freedom is defined as the absence of necessity , coercion , or constraint in choice or action . It comes in many forms and means something different to all of us . Lately , I have been living vicariously through my second oldest Godson Zackary . Zack is 23 and he is an amazing young man . I don 't mean amazing in a way that only a Godmother would see her Godson but rather , he is amazing in spirit . He is honest , reliable and incredibly free spirited . He is secure enough with himself to grow his hair out , take crap for it and never think twice of someone else 's opinion of him . He lives the life he wants to live and is only concerned with what he and the good Lord think of his decisions . Like all kids , they rely heavily on us for support . Whether it be food , transportation , finances or to simply cheer them on from the sideline and be there to lift them up after a major loss , we are there every step of the way . As we watch them grow , we are proud of the choices they make and who they are becoming . But at some point , we become less and less of a priority to them and we end up observing their lives after they have moved out on their own . Through the sometimes blurry windows of social media , there are glimpses into their daily lives , friendships and careers . They come home when they can and even occasionally take a call or return a text . For the most part , they are on the forefront of our minds and we are in their back pockets as sort of a safety net when they need us . It is nothing personal , but it is part of the growing pains we feel as a parent ( Godparent in this case ) . We love our kids from a distance and watch the wings we have given them begin to expand . This past Christmas , instead of watching Zack 's typical life adventures that take him snowboarding , cliff jumping or hopping in his car to go where the wind takes him , he let me know he was coming home for a few days . Zack sneaks in and out as to not upset or disturb the lives of the people he can 't see . This year , I was lucky enough to not only get a text back and a call , but I was able to come face to face with the elusive boy turned man that I am grateful to call family . Five years have passed since our divorce and like every Christmas Eve , Derek has the kids until 10pm . He brings them to my house and they boys and I are able to wake up and spend Christmas Day together . I was getting ready to go to a friend 's house for a group Christmas Eve dinner when my phone buzzed . I looked down . Zack was on his way ! We texted back and forth a few times until his face was finally at my front door . He rang the bell and walked in . Zack standing 5 ' 11 with this dark brown hair grown out to his shoulders , was wearing a giant smile on his face and peaking through his lips were his shiny white teeth . I rushed over and threw my arms around him , squeezing him tightly . Zack , who is not much of a hugger knew the drill … I will not release him from the hug until l get both arms around me . He did what he knew had to and he hugged me back . We made small talk about life and the amazing journey he was on , places he had been visiting and about his love life . We sat outside on the back deck , he took pictures of the water and took in the view , I texted my son , Todd , to let him know Zack was at the house and invited him to come by to see him . As we chatted , laughed , and talked about his future plans , a flash of light bounced off the stone pillars on the deck . I looked behind me and thought I saw a headlight and figured it was my son . Todd and Zack got along pretty well and it was always great when they could get together . As my own kids grew , one ran off to college to play lacrosse in Missouri and the other one went off to school but stayed in Texas and my Godsons , all four of them followed suit . Three took off to play college football in different states and the youngest headed off to serve his mission for two years in Argentina . So , with all the boys scattered , it was a blessing to see all of them together again when possible . It wasn 't a surprise to see that Todd rushed over to see Zach , even if only for a few minutes . A minute or two passed and when Todd didn 't come barreling through the door , I figWeird , I thought . Maybe it was Todd and he was finishing up a call ? I was startled when I heard a knock at the door . I looked at Zack and without reason , my heart sank . I looked at the door and through the frosted glass opening , I could a face looking inside . We made our way into the house and towards the door . Zack followed close behind me and I began to make out the figure . Derek ? I thought to myself . I thought to myself he must be bringing Joseph , our youngest son , now 15 , over early for Christmas Eve , but had no idea why he would do that . As I got closer to the door , I was now convinced it was Derek and I was excited for him to see Zack . As we approached the door we laughed and thought it was a great coincidence that he came by while Zack was visiting . As I opened the door and peeked my head out just a little , my heart , my jaw and my stomach hit the floor . My mouth dried up , chest grew tight and I anxiously locked eyes with Zack . Seconds later , Jake pushed the door open and walked in … On February 23 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment With tear - filled eyes , a heavy heart , and mild hatred for myself lingering in the back of my mind , I write this episode . It has been a difficult yet therapeutic process for me . When I first started putting this series together months ago , before pen ever touched paper , I was afraid of my own feelings . I was scared that I would start feeling something for him again . I was afraid I was going to miss him or fall back in " love " with him . But this process has had quite the opposite effect on me . I feel today as if he never existed . As much as I would love to tell you that he and this relationship were made up in my mind … they weren 't . The tears are real . The pain is thick and it 's heavy . The tears and pain are not for him , but for me . As I write I realize that I love the girl I am writing about . Five years ago , I didn 't . Twenty years ago , I didn 't . As I grew up , self - hatred was as learned skill and was all that I knew , especially when I didn 't know who I was . I had no idea of the anger that lived deep within and the magnitude of the toll it took on me . Today , after years in my recovery program , I see this amazing , strong , intelligent , happy , fun loving mom and woman . I am here for a reason . I have this writing gift for a reason . I lived the life I did for a reason . I am here to write for me and for you . You the one who needs it most . The one who is confused and scared . I write this for you . From the moment you find out you are pregnant , you have a responsibility to the life living within you . You are responsible for eating well , not drinking alcohol , and not inhaling fumes from the cars driving in front of you . As your belly grows , for most of us , so does the love we have for the little unknown stranger living inside us . We talk to the stranger and somehow fall in love and become totally connected . After they are born it 's a motherly instinct to protect them and care for them . To make sure you pass on the important life lessons and keep them safe , no matter what . When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son , Todd , I was 17 and not interested in being a mom . As the months passed , I became more familiar with this stranger and I found myself enamored with him . While Derek was away in college , I would lay in bed and talk to the " stranger " living inside me . At the time , I had no idea if he were a boy or a girl so the conversation was gender neutral . One night after my school day was over , homework was done and I finished my shift at the donut shop , I finished reading the baby one of my favorite Dr Seuss books . I asked the " stranger " a question and asked the baby to kick to answer me . We talked about hockey . Football . Whether it was boy or a girl . After a few kicks here and there , I determined that said baby would play hockey when he / she grew up . To this day , Todd is not much of a liar and now , at the age of twenty - two , he 's the captain of his college lacrosse team . I guess Lacrosse is pretty close to hockey , so it all worked out . That night , over twenty - two years ago , sitting alone in my bed talking to this little stranger , we formed a bond . The day he was born , I gazed into those tiny brown eyes surrounded by the softest , pinkest skin and I apologized for being his mom . I told him I would do the best I could for him and I did . Derek and I both did . That was until I did not . Until I gave him and his two brothers all - access passes with front row seats to what an abusive relationship lookThe divorce was finalized in April . Five months and three days from the day Derek moved out and our relationship ended . That summer was the first time we did not plan a family vacation . I began to look into a beach house for me and boys to stay in for a ten - day getaway . I wanted to go home to Boston have them see our extended family and it was just a bonus that Jake would be there and it was an opportunity for him to get to know the kids better . I started to plan with Derek to figure out the details of when he would take vacation with them and when I would . A few days later I had the trip booked and the kids were excited to go to Boston for a vacation . After the ten days with me on the shore they were to fly directly to California to be with Derek for another ten days . I planned to stay with Jake while the boys were with their dad on the west coast and would meet them back in Texas . The plan was perfect . I was excited to have what I thought of as our first family vacation all perfectly planned … but of course , I was wrong . I was still in the denial of who Jake really was and by executing this plan , I chose to put my kids in the line of fire . A decision I regret to this very day . The morning we left Texas , we flew into Logan airport and got our rental car . The plan was to go see my friend Julia . After I picked Jake up , we drove to Julia 's house . She had extra bedding and was going to let us borrow it for the duration of our trip . I can 't remember exactly what happened that set Jake off , maybe I was late , maybe I gave him the wrong directions , but he was angry at me . As we pulled up to Julia 's house my stomach was in knots . My mouth was dry and I had no idea if he was going to be upset with me in front of her or if it was just a private show for me and my kids to experience . As he got out of the car , he was cheery and chipper . He thanked her for allowing us to use her bedding . Julia made a face at me and because right away she knew . She knew something was off . She had been dying to see the boys and wanted to hug them and talk to them , but Jake was clearly on a mission to leave . As he hurried things along , she covertly grabbed my hand in support . We drove away from her house and as she became smaller and smaller in my rear - view mirror , I broke a little inside . We went to the grocery store , gathered what we needed and we were off to the beach house . But even a small task like a trip to the grocery store turned into an excruciating event . He seemed to find fault with everything and everyone : how slow the line was moving and the checker wasn 't emptying the cart fast enough . He was infuriated . When we finally got to the house , I figured it would all settle down . There was Jake , out in front , putting on his nice guy charm with all the neighbors , his usual . Meanwhile , a storm was brewing inside . Boys will be boys , they left their bags on the floor and bounded toward the beach to see the water . Jake took issue with their " mess " . He said they were slobs and how could I as a mom let them live that way . I immediately defended them and told him they were excited to be at the beach and they didn 't need to be neat while on a vacation . I did not understand why he was so bothered . To keep him calm , I called the boys back and had them put their stuff away . They were not super happy with this , but they did it . Jake had rules . He wanted everything planned . He wanted everything clean and in order all the time . No excuses . I didn 't raise my kids that way and they had enough on their minds with the divorce . I figured a beach vacation would be fun . Mindless . Good memories . During the day , Jake worked and would come to the house afterwards . We would go to the beach , swim and fly kites . At times , we went to the arcades , played games and stuffed our faces with junk food . Fried dough , cotton candy and beach pizza . We went on rides and played games . The kids collected tickets from skee ball and cashed them in for a harmonica , the same way I did when I was a kid . We drove to the go - cart track and raced each other . Some nights , we made bonfires and roasted marshmallows on the sand . We talked , joked and laughed . Other nights Jake would walk in carrying his bad day on his shoulders and alcohol on his breath . That was a sure - fire sign that it wasn 't going to be a good night . When I sensed a bad day , I cleaned the house the best I could and would leave the kids by themselves at the beach to come in and make sure everything looked perfect . But I was never able to get the house cleaned enough . A few nights in he came to the house and as he walked in he began inspecting . He saw things he didn 't like and he was sure to scold me . Beach sand on the floor ( go figure ) , food on the counter and not in the cabinet and clothes not put away . One night , after inspecting , as he began to roll up his sleeves to clean , the kids came in . More times than I care to admit , my kids witnessed Jake abusing me . They heard him call me names . They would pick me up off the floor when I was sobbing . They held me when I could not hold myself up . They saw me fall . Their hearts broke for me over and over and I just could not see what was really happening . I could not recognize that they were enduring second hand abuse . They were scared for me and so very confused . They hated Jake and the way he treated me but they were also afraid of him . Afraid of what he might do to them if they stood up for me . Afraid of what their dad would do if they told him any of this . So , they didn 't say anything and they didn 't do anything . They stood by watching their mom fall apart and they suffered , silently and alone . My boys suffered because I was not strong enough to remove myself from this abuse . Not strong enough for me . I let this happen to them and I may never be able to forgive myself because I didn 't protect them from him . I did eventually get out and away , but the damage had already been done . They may have seen me fall , cry on the floor , insulted and bruised , but they are also now seeing my rise from the wreckage . They are seeing me stand up , proud and tall . They are seeing me help others . They have witnessed me fight and become the strong woman I am today . A woman who can take care of herself . A woman who has met abuse face to face and has won . I fought for me but I also fought for them . Whether the kids were his or not , they should never see their mom or dad being abused in anyway shape or form . Kids , even from infancy know exactly what is going on . They do not deserve to be in the middle of such toxicity . If you or anyone you know is in this sort of relationship , know you do not have to stay because you have kids . You are teaching them it is OKAY to be treated this way . Please , I implore you to not let them grow up thinking this sort of relationship is normal or even acceptable . They deserve a happy life without second hand abuse . By staying , enduring and " taking it " , you are allowing their minds to be distorted , just the same way I did . Kelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror Episode 6 : Discovering You , Discovering Me … On February 16 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , Uncategorized1 Comment I can 't pinpoint exactly when it happened . Or when it began to happen . But somewhere between the romantic texts and calls , gifts and door openings , he morphed into who he really was . Over time and in his own sloppiness , pieces of him began to show . Each time a piece of the real Jake began to peek through , he quickly diverted my attention and I thought I was imagining things . But I wasn 't . He was just good at what he did . He was good at his craft . He had years and years of practice before seeking me out . In the beginning , while he was " courting " me , we discussed deal breakers and what our turn offs were . I was not attracted to men who smoked and I could not be with anyone who did . He told me he didn 't smoke , but he used to and quit because it was a " gross habit " . We talked about our families , our past relationships and everything in between . I told him about my dad and how he passed away at 50 because he was an alcoholic and never took care of himself . I told him how awful it was growing up with an alcoholic dad who was also addicted to gambling . It was no way to live and I refused to let that back into my life . He told me about his parents and the abuse he endured while growing up . He said he didn 't like the environment he was raised in and because of the way his mom would yell , he hated to be yelled at . He told me about his drinking habits from years ago and how he didn 't do that anymore . He also revealed that he used to gamble , but it was too risky now . At the time , this was all music to my ears because Jake was a changed man and he had learned from his mistakes . Derek never had any of those vices . He liked ice cream and coaching our boys ' teams . This was a whole new kind of relationship and although different , I assumed it would be fundamentally the same . As Jake and I talked and I learned more and more about him , I felt better during my discovery phase . Little didAs the time passed , I realized more and more of what we had talked about was not the real him . During a visit home to Boston , I drove past the car dealership where Jake worked . As clear as day I could see him standing outside smoking with one of his coworkers . The cigarette went from his mouth , down to his side and back up again . I watched him smoking as I sat in traffic . Now , because I know I was a bit of a tyrant with Derek , I didn 't want to be a crazy person and freak out on him . Instead , I texted him and I asked him if he was outside smoking . His response was that he was standing near someone who was smoking but he would never , calling it " a filthy habit " . Wow , I thought to myself . He just lied to me and … So easily . I saw with my own two eyes him put a cigarette to his mouth and he just told me he didn 't . With further questioning , he eventually fessed up that he does smoke when he 's at work because it " helped relieve some stress " . After finding this out , I thought back to our conversation about it when we first met . I thought to myself , " Ok so he smokes when he 's stressed , that is not so bad at least he 's not a gambler and doesn 't drink very often " . Later that night , I picked him up from work we talked about it his smoking and the fact that he blatantly lied to me . This is when I learned that he didn 't like being pressed with questions and in fact , it made him very angry . I began to notice a trend … he got angry very easily and often . I could not understand why he just didn 't tell me in the beginning that he was a smoker . He didn 't like those sort of questions either so when he began to yell , I backed down . Weeks later , after I was back in Texas , I started to realize how much he drank . There was a pattern with him going out after work . At first , it didn 't happen all that often . While he was at work we would talk and text throughout the day and by the time he was off , he was in his car and I was on the phone with him . We would talk all night and then slowly , he started to call me less . Our conversations were shorter and his after work bar visits increased . While he was out , he would still text or call , but more often than not , he would ask me to call him at a certain time to remind him to leave the bar and go home . Eventually , my calls would go unanswered or he would pick up and yell at me for bothering him , hang up on me and then not take my calls . The next day he would apologize and express how bad he felt , stay home for a few nights and then the cycle would repeat . He had a pattern and I was beginning to become very familiar with it . One night , while I was home in Texas with my kids , he called to let me know he was going out . He again asked me to call him at midnight to remind him to go home . I reluctantly agreed and when I called , he got mad and hung up on me . A few hours later , my phone rang and Jake was on the other end of the line . He was panicked . He had been pulled over and had no idea what was going to happen . The call was cut short and I didn 't hear back from him that night . That was the night he was arrested with a DUI . The next morning , when he called he was a complete mess . He was crying because he was already on parole and was terrified that this would be a major violation and he would be sent back to prison . As we were on the phone , my heart was breaking for him . I was so upset and so scared . I immediately booked a flight for the next day so I could be there with him when he went to see his probation officer . He had previously been in jail for five years and that was because his best friend set him up by placing drugs in his house so the FBI would find them and he would take the fall . He was senteI wanted to protect him . I wanted to save him . I thought if anyone could love the darkness out of this man , it would be me . There were times when I saw such goodness in him . Once , when my grandmother was sick and in a nursing home back home in Boston , my mom called me and she was in a state of panic . She was worried about my grandmother and didn 't want to be alone . I told Jake what was going on with her and minutes later he was in his car headed to comfort my mom . He sat with both my grandmother and my mom until she was stable . He talked to them , made them laugh and held their hands . I felt better and my mom did too . He then began to go visit my grandmother in her nursing home . She had no idea who he was , but she had a smile on her face when he would enter the room . He visited weekly and for Christmas he gave her an angel that sat on top of her dresser . It would light up different colors and she adored it . I remember one day driving on the highway , a car almost hit me and as I swerved , I almost drove off the road . I called him upset and shaking . He talked to me calmly , had me pull over and asked me to check for something in the trunk . As I got out of the car and looked in the trunk , he told me there was nothing in there and he wanted me to breathe . There was a good man deep down and I saw a light in a very dark place . I thought , " If I loved him enough , the light would shine brighter and he would be ok " . We would be ok . I tried for years and finally I had to give up . As I incessantly tried to search for that dim , dull light inside of him , my light smoldered and eventually was extinguished . I could feel it burning out , but I thought I would be ok . I thought I could be enough for us both . Jake didn 't want to be saved . He felt there was nothing wrong with the way he talked to me . A few months into our relationship , we were at his parents ' house . He was living with them at the time because financially he could not get on his feet . He got into an argument with his parents and I remember my stomach turning andKelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror ~ Episode 5 : Objects in Mirror are Closer Than They Appear . . On February 9 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , Uncategorized3 Comments As the days turned into months and life moved forward , my divorce became more and more of a reality . One afternoon while the kids were in school , Derek came over . He walked upstairs , cut through the living room and sat at the solid wood , custom ordered dining room table we picked out together . He took his usual seat and I pulled out the chair next to him . He opened my laptop that was already sitting on the table . As he began to type we made small talk and I watched the clock carefully . I was not expecting a call from Jake , but I was anxious . I was afraid he was going to discover my soon to be ex - husband was not only in my house but sitting at my table , next to me . He would not like that . As sweat began to produce in my hands , Derek and I filed for divorce … together . We picked out who would have the kids on which days . Who would have them on their birthdays and for which year . I would take Christmas and he would take Thanksgiving every other year . We had to decide who would have them on every single holiday , even Flag Day . As Americans , we have so many holidays . So as Derek and I figured out where our kids would be on Martin Luther King Jr . Day , I continued to watch the clock and my phone . We discussed health insurance , car insurance and who would pay what for the kids . He did the math in his head and I felt nostalgic because I loved that about him . He sat there with his eyes closed as he crunched numbers in his head and I just wanted to reach out to him one last time . I wanted to tell him I still loved him and wanted us to work , but I didn 't . I knew we no longer wanted the same things out of life . He spat out a few numbers , jotted them down and we moved on to other things . We sat next to each other for about an hour and dismantled the life we spent over 20 years building . And just like that , it was done . Over . Filed . We were getting divorced . Derek and I , who had our oldest son as teeThat day after Derek left , I made my way to my bedroom , crawled onto " our " bed and cried . I began to mourn the end of the only thing that was ever familiar to me . The only thing that was ever home to me . Derek and I in a sense grew up together . We had to figure out a lot of life while we were together . Now , I was on my own . But then again , I had Jake to lean on . I knew I had to call him before he began to wonder where I was . I sat up in my bed , wiped my tears , cleared my throat , and called Jake . I told him we filed and now we had the two month " cooling off " period and then it would be done . I had on a strong , cold can 't wait for it to just be over voice on while I talked to Jake . The truth was I was dying inside . I wanted to tell Jake how sad I was . I wanted to be able to open up to him and let him know I was hurting . I wanted him to take care of me and tell me everything was going to be ok … but I didn 't . I didn 't tell him what my heart was feeling . I didn 't think he would understand . I was not sure he was even capable of comprehending what I was going through . After we hung up , I threw the covers over my head and cried until I had to pick up the kids . I had a lot of moments like that . A lot of telling him great things about my days and what I was busy with , but in reality I was beginning to fall apart . The 5 to 10 days I thought I needed to get over Derek were turning out to be a lot longer and a lot more intense . I called Derek a lot . I cried to him a lot . He would take my calls and try to help me though it . He would respond to my texts and take me out to dinner to see if I was doing okay . I could tell Derek how I felt . I could tell Derek I missed him . I could fall apart with Derek … but not with Jake . So , I began to see a therapist . I knew I needed help getting through this . I knew Derek and I were not good together and that I wanted to be with Jake but I could not figure out why I was still so sad . Jake had no idea how much pain I was in . To this day , he has no idea how much I was suffering with the end of my marriage while trying so hard to begin something with him at the exact same time . A few times I thought about ending it with Jake , but then I would panic . I would be alone and that scared me . I thought it would be better to suffer than it was than to be alone . Suffering seemed to be my hobby at this point . The only thing I knew how to do and I did it well . Between dealing with my divorce and my relationship with Jake , I was a complete mess . While I was working through being on my own and trying to figure out who I was , Jake was asking where I was , who was I with and why didn 't I take his call . " Who do you talk to at the gym ? Why do you find it necessary to workout ? " he would ask . It became too much for me . All of the arguing with Jake was no longer worth it … so I gave up the gym . I began to eat fast food , cookies , pie … you name it . I was indulging daily on everything I was taught not to eat while I was competing and modeling . I began to add weight but I figured as long as I could still see my lower abs , I would be fine . Well , that didn 't last long . I was traveling back and forth from Texas to Boston twice a month and when I was home in Boston , I was eating and drinking . I no longer cared about working out and Jake insisted that he loved the way I looked … but deep down , I felt sad and gross . I missed my workouts and eating routine . But because it was less stress on my new relationship , I pushed those feeling down and covered them with burgers and fries . The only place I felt safe was when I was 30 , 000 feet in the air . Only then , could I be myself , let it all out and cry . Jake could not reach me and I didn 't have to pretend to be happy . The days I volunteered at the school slowly fizzled and soon I wasn 't helping out at the school anymore . I was slowly becoming a shell of my former self … . I would later realize I was falling into a deep depression . I was either crying over the end of my marriage , my family or I was explaining myself to Jake . Things started to get dark for me and the walls were closing in . I became unrecognizable to myself . One afternoon , after the kids left for their dad 's house , I was talking to Jake . After the call ended , I found myself on the bathroom floor , barely able to hold my head up . I was gone … so was my will to live . I rummaged through my pill bottles and swallowed as many as I could . I could not do it anymore . I could not take it anymore . I had no direction . I had no desire . I felt that I had nothing left . I felt I had no choice . I layed on the cold tile floor wondering what I had just done but not able to muster up the strength to react . Luckily , not long after , a friend who was in the neighborhood , dropped by to say hello . She found me there , limp on the bathroom floor , picked me up and managed to help me vomit . Needless to say , I failed at my attempt . To this day , neither Jake nor Derek , much less my kids knew I wanted to end my life that day . It isn 't until now , that they may learn of how gone I really was . It was a tough time in my life but I managed somehow to get through it . I kept seeing Jake and putting on a strong front when he was around . I put up that front because I knew Jake wouldn 't understand . I was not protecting him from anything . I was protecting me from him . I didn 't want him to know I was sad . He wouldn 't have liked it very much and it was just easier to pretend to be okay than it was to be honest with him about my feelings . He would not understand that I wasn 't still in love with Derek but mourning the loss of my marriage . I was just sad . So I faked it . I faked being happy with the way my life was going . Truth be told , I felt defeated , destroyed . I was in pieces and I needed some time to feel and recover from the end of my marriage . I needed to be on my own to figure out who I was . I needed time to just be with my kids and be there for them . I didn 't take time for me or for my kids . I chose to put Jake first . I chose to talk to him and listen to him bitch about his day rather than read to my sons or watch a movie with them . I chose to explain every single move I made to him over sitting close to my boys to make sure they were okay . I made these choices and I regret them to this very day . My kids needed a healthy mom more than I needed a man . A man who made me anxious and paranoid if I missed his call . A man who called me names and put me down when I was suicidal . A man who was so concerned about himself that he never once asked me if I was okay . A man who was so upset about my social media page that I had to go through and delete every guy friend and every picture I had of me , Derek and the kids . I was not ready to do that but I did it to please him . I deleted it all just to make things " easier " in my relationship with him . I had a choice in all of this and I chose him over everything , myself included . I didn 't love myself . I didn 't know how . I was lost and confused and I was weak . I thought at the time that what I was doing was right . But it wasn 't …

On June 2 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romanceLeave a comment " As I sat across the table from him , just him , I felt as ease . Safe . Happy . Interested . In that moment and for the rest of the night , that was the only place I wanted to be , near him . For the first time in a very long time , Jake was not present with me . With us . It was just the two of us laughing , living , and beginning again " . On May 19 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment Click on the link to hear my very first podcast show . Bear with me as I am still working out the kinks . Soon to be released on iTunes and Google Play . If you or someone you know is or has been in a narcissistic relationship and you are interested in being a guest on my show , please email me at ~ letsgetwickeddeep @ yahoo . com On April 6 , 2017April 6 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment Freedom . According to Merriam - Webster , freedom is defined as the absence of necessity , coercion , or constraint in choice or action . It comes in many forms and means something different to all of us . Lately , I have been living vicariously through my second oldest Godson Zackary . Zack is 23 and he is an amazing young man . I don 't mean amazing in a way that only a Godmother would see her Godson but rather , he is amazing in spirit . He is honest , reliable and incredibly free spirited . He is secure enough with himself to grow his hair out , take crap for it and never think twice of someone else 's opinion of him . He lives the life he wants to live and is only concerned with what he and the good Lord think of his decisions . Like all kids , they rely heavily on us for support . Whether it be food , transportation , finances or to simply cheer them on from the sideline and be there to lift them up after a major loss , we are there every step of the way . As we watch them grow , we are proud of the choices they make and who they are becoming . But at some point , we become less and less of a priority to them and we end up observing their lives after they have moved out on their own . Through the sometimes blurry windows of social media , there are glimpses into their daily lives , friendships and careers . They come home when they can and even occasionally take a call or return a text . For the most part , they are on the forefront of our minds and we are in their back pockets as sort of a safety net when they need us . It is nothing personal , but it is part of the growing pains we feel as a parent ( Godparent in this case ) . We love our kids from a distance and watch the wings we have given them begin to expand . This past Christmas , instead of watching Zack 's typical life adventures that take him snowboarding , cliff jumping or hopping in his car to go where the wind takes him , he let me know he was coming home for a few days . Zack sneaks in and out as to not upset or disturb the lives of the people he can 't see . This year , I was lucky enough to not only get a text back and a call , but I was able to come face to face with the elusive boy turned man that I am grateful to call family . Five years have passed since our divorce and like every Christmas Eve , Derek has the kids until 10pm . He brings them to my house and they boys and I are able to wake up and spend Christmas Day together . I was getting ready to go to a friend 's house for a group Christmas Eve dinner when my phone buzzed . I looked down . Zack was on his way ! We texted back and forth a few times until his face was finally at my front door . He rang the bell and walked in . Zack standing 5 ' 11 with this dark brown hair grown out to his shoulders , was wearing a giant smile on his face and peaking through his lips were his shiny white teeth . I rushed over and threw my arms around him , squeezing him tightly . Zack , who is not much of a hugger knew the drill … I will not release him from the hug until l get both arms around me . He did what he knew had to and he hugged me back . We made small talk about life and the amazing journey he was on , places he had been visiting and about his love life . We sat outside on the back deck , he took pictures of the water and took in the view , I texted my son , Todd , to let him know Zack was at the house and invited him to come by to see him . As we chatted , laughed , and talked about his future plans , a flash of light bounced off the stone pillars on the deck . I looked behind me and thought I saw a headlight and figured it was my son . Todd and Zack got along pretty well and it was always great when they could get together . As my own kids grew , one ran off to college to play lacrosse in Missouri and the other one went off to school but stayed in Texas and my Godsons , all four of them followed suit . Three took off to play college football in different states and the youngest headed off to serve his mission for two years in Argentina . So , with all the boys scattered , it was a blessing to see all of them together again when possible . It wasn 't a surprise to see that Todd rushed over to see Zach , even if only for a few minutes . A minute or two passed and when Todd didn 't come barreling through the door , I figWeird , I thought . Maybe it was Todd and he was finishing up a call ? I was startled when I heard a knock at the door . I looked at Zack and without reason , my heart sank . I looked at the door and through the frosted glass opening , I could a face looking inside . We made our way into the house and towards the door . Zack followed close behind me and I began to make out the figure . Derek ? I thought to myself . I thought to myself he must be bringing Joseph , our youngest son , now 15 , over early for Christmas Eve , but had no idea why he would do that . As I got closer to the door , I was now convinced it was Derek and I was excited for him to see Zack . As we approached the door we laughed and thought it was a great coincidence that he came by while Zack was visiting . As I opened the door and peeked my head out just a little , my heart , my jaw and my stomach hit the floor . My mouth dried up , chest grew tight and I anxiously locked eyes with Zack . Seconds later , Jake pushed the door open and walked in … On February 23 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , UncategorizedLeave a comment With tear - filled eyes , a heavy heart , and mild hatred for myself lingering in the back of my mind , I write this episode . It has been a difficult yet therapeutic process for me . When I first started putting this series together months ago , before pen ever touched paper , I was afraid of my own feelings . I was scared that I would start feeling something for him again . I was afraid I was going to miss him or fall back in " love " with him . But this process has had quite the opposite effect on me . I feel today as if he never existed . As much as I would love to tell you that he and this relationship were made up in my mind … they weren 't . The tears are real . The pain is thick and it 's heavy . The tears and pain are not for him , but for me . As I write I realize that I love the girl I am writing about . Five years ago , I didn 't . Twenty years ago , I didn 't . As I grew up , self - hatred was as learned skill and was all that I knew , especially when I didn 't know who I was . I had no idea of the anger that lived deep within and the magnitude of the toll it took on me . Today , after years in my recovery program , I see this amazing , strong , intelligent , happy , fun loving mom and woman . I am here for a reason . I have this writing gift for a reason . I lived the life I did for a reason . I am here to write for me and for you . You the one who needs it most . The one who is confused and scared . I write this for you . From the moment you find out you are pregnant , you have a responsibility to the life living within you . You are responsible for eating well , not drinking alcohol , and not inhaling fumes from the cars driving in front of you . As your belly grows , for most of us , so does the love we have for the little unknown stranger living inside us . We talk to the stranger and somehow fall in love and become totally connected . After they are born it 's a motherly instinct to protect them and care for them . To make sure you pass on the important life lessons and keep them safe , no matter what . When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son , Todd , I was 17 and not interested in being a mom . As the months passed , I became more familiar with this stranger and I found myself enamored with him . While Derek was away in college , I would lay in bed and talk to the " stranger " living inside me . At the time , I had no idea if he were a boy or a girl so the conversation was gender neutral . One night after my school day was over , homework was done and I finished my shift at the donut shop , I finished reading the baby one of my favorite Dr Seuss books . I asked the " stranger " a question and asked the baby to kick to answer me . We talked about hockey . Football . Whether it was boy or a girl . After a few kicks here and there , I determined that said baby would play hockey when he / she grew up . To this day , Todd is not much of a liar and now , at the age of twenty - two , he 's the captain of his college lacrosse team . I guess Lacrosse is pretty close to hockey , so it all worked out . That night , over twenty - two years ago , sitting alone in my bed talking to this little stranger , we formed a bond . The day he was born , I gazed into those tiny brown eyes surrounded by the softest , pinkest skin and I apologized for being his mom . I told him I would do the best I could for him and I did . Derek and I both did . That was until I did not . Until I gave him and his two brothers all - access passes with front row seats to what an abusive relationship lookThe divorce was finalized in April . Five months and three days from the day Derek moved out and our relationship ended . That summer was the first time we did not plan a family vacation . I began to look into a beach house for me and boys to stay in for a ten - day getaway . I wanted to go home to Boston have them see our extended family and it was just a bonus that Jake would be there and it was an opportunity for him to get to know the kids better . I started to plan with Derek to figure out the details of when he would take vacation with them and when I would . A few days later I had the trip booked and the kids were excited to go to Boston for a vacation . After the ten days with me on the shore they were to fly directly to California to be with Derek for another ten days . I planned to stay with Jake while the boys were with their dad on the west coast and would meet them back in Texas . The plan was perfect . I was excited to have what I thought of as our first family vacation all perfectly planned … but of course , I was wrong . I was still in the denial of who Jake really was and by executing this plan , I chose to put my kids in the line of fire . A decision I regret to this very day . The morning we left Texas , we flew into Logan airport and got our rental car . The plan was to go see my friend Julia . After I picked Jake up , we drove to Julia 's house . She had extra bedding and was going to let us borrow it for the duration of our trip . I can 't remember exactly what happened that set Jake off , maybe I was late , maybe I gave him the wrong directions , but he was angry at me . As we pulled up to Julia 's house my stomach was in knots . My mouth was dry and I had no idea if he was going to be upset with me in front of her or if it was just a private show for me and my kids to experience . As he got out of the car , he was cheery and chipper . He thanked her for allowing us to use her bedding . Julia made a face at me and because right away she knew . She knew something was off . She had been dying to see the boys and wanted to hug them and talk to them , but Jake was clearly on a mission to leave . As he hurried things along , she covertly grabbed my hand in support . We drove away from her house and as she became smaller and smaller in my rear - view mirror , I broke a little inside . We went to the grocery store , gathered what we needed and we were off to the beach house . But even a small task like a trip to the grocery store turned into an excruciating event . He seemed to find fault with everything and everyone : how slow the line was moving and the checker wasn 't emptying the cart fast enough . He was infuriated . When we finally got to the house , I figured it would all settle down . There was Jake , out in front , putting on his nice guy charm with all the neighbors , his usual . Meanwhile , a storm was brewing inside . Boys will be boys , they left their bags on the floor and bounded toward the beach to see the water . Jake took issue with their " mess " . He said they were slobs and how could I as a mom let them live that way . I immediately defended them and told him they were excited to be at the beach and they didn 't need to be neat while on a vacation . I did not understand why he was so bothered . To keep him calm , I called the boys back and had them put their stuff away . They were not super happy with this , but they did it . Jake had rules . He wanted everything planned . He wanted everything clean and in order all the time . No excuses . I didn 't raise my kids that way and they had enough on their minds with the divorce . I figured a beach vacation would be fun . Mindless . Good memories . During the day , Jake worked and would come to the house afterwards . We would go to the beach , swim and fly kites . At times , we went to the arcades , played games and stuffed our faces with junk food . Fried dough , cotton candy and beach pizza . We went on rides and played games . The kids collected tickets from skee ball and cashed them in for a harmonica , the same way I did when I was a kid . We drove to the go - cart track and raced each other . Some nights , we made bonfires and roasted marshmallows on the sand . We talked , joked and laughed . Other nights Jake would walk in carrying his bad day on his shoulders and alcohol on his breath . That was a sure - fire sign that it wasn 't going to be a good night . When I sensed a bad day , I cleaned the house the best I could and would leave the kids by themselves at the beach to come in and make sure everything looked perfect . But I was never able to get the house cleaned enough . A few nights in he came to the house and as he walked in he began inspecting . He saw things he didn 't like and he was sure to scold me . Beach sand on the floor ( go figure ) , food on the counter and not in the cabinet and clothes not put away . One night , after inspecting , as he began to roll up his sleeves to clean , the kids came in . More times than I care to admit , my kids witnessed Jake abusing me . They heard him call me names . They would pick me up off the floor when I was sobbing . They held me when I could not hold myself up . They saw me fall . Their hearts broke for me over and over and I just could not see what was really happening . I could not recognize that they were enduring second hand abuse . They were scared for me and so very confused . They hated Jake and the way he treated me but they were also afraid of him . Afraid of what he might do to them if they stood up for me . Afraid of what their dad would do if they told him any of this . So , they didn 't say anything and they didn 't do anything . They stood by watching their mom fall apart and they suffered , silently and alone . My boys suffered because I was not strong enough to remove myself from this abuse . Not strong enough for me . I let this happen to them and I may never be able to forgive myself because I didn 't protect them from him . I did eventually get out and away , but the damage had already been done . They may have seen me fall , cry on the floor , insulted and bruised , but they are also now seeing my rise from the wreckage . They are seeing me stand up , proud and tall . They are seeing me help others . They have witnessed me fight and become the strong woman I am today . A woman who can take care of herself . A woman who has met abuse face to face and has won . I fought for me but I also fought for them . Whether the kids were his or not , they should never see their mom or dad being abused in anyway shape or form . Kids , even from infancy know exactly what is going on . They do not deserve to be in the middle of such toxicity . If you or anyone you know is in this sort of relationship , know you do not have to stay because you have kids . You are teaching them it is OKAY to be treated this way . Please , I implore you to not let them grow up thinking this sort of relationship is normal or even acceptable . They deserve a happy life without second hand abuse . By staying , enduring and " taking it " , you are allowing their minds to be distorted , just the same way I did . Kelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror Episode 6 : Discovering You , Discovering Me … On February 16 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , Uncategorized1 Comment I can 't pinpoint exactly when it happened . Or when it began to happen . But somewhere between the romantic texts and calls , gifts and door openings , he morphed into who he really was . Over time and in his own sloppiness , pieces of him began to show . Each time a piece of the real Jake began to peek through , he quickly diverted my attention and I thought I was imagining things . But I wasn 't . He was just good at what he did . He was good at his craft . He had years and years of practice before seeking me out . In the beginning , while he was " courting " me , we discussed deal breakers and what our turn offs were . I was not attracted to men who smoked and I could not be with anyone who did . He told me he didn 't smoke , but he used to and quit because it was a " gross habit " . We talked about our families , our past relationships and everything in between . I told him about my dad and how he passed away at 50 because he was an alcoholic and never took care of himself . I told him how awful it was growing up with an alcoholic dad who was also addicted to gambling . It was no way to live and I refused to let that back into my life . He told me about his parents and the abuse he endured while growing up . He said he didn 't like the environment he was raised in and because of the way his mom would yell , he hated to be yelled at . He told me about his drinking habits from years ago and how he didn 't do that anymore . He also revealed that he used to gamble , but it was too risky now . At the time , this was all music to my ears because Jake was a changed man and he had learned from his mistakes . Derek never had any of those vices . He liked ice cream and coaching our boys ' teams . This was a whole new kind of relationship and although different , I assumed it would be fundamentally the same . As Jake and I talked and I learned more and more about him , I felt better during my discovery phase . Little didAs the time passed , I realized more and more of what we had talked about was not the real him . During a visit home to Boston , I drove past the car dealership where Jake worked . As clear as day I could see him standing outside smoking with one of his coworkers . The cigarette went from his mouth , down to his side and back up again . I watched him smoking as I sat in traffic . Now , because I know I was a bit of a tyrant with Derek , I didn 't want to be a crazy person and freak out on him . Instead , I texted him and I asked him if he was outside smoking . His response was that he was standing near someone who was smoking but he would never , calling it " a filthy habit " . Wow , I thought to myself . He just lied to me and … So easily . I saw with my own two eyes him put a cigarette to his mouth and he just told me he didn 't . With further questioning , he eventually fessed up that he does smoke when he 's at work because it " helped relieve some stress " . After finding this out , I thought back to our conversation about it when we first met . I thought to myself , " Ok so he smokes when he 's stressed , that is not so bad at least he 's not a gambler and doesn 't drink very often " . Later that night , I picked him up from work we talked about it his smoking and the fact that he blatantly lied to me . This is when I learned that he didn 't like being pressed with questions and in fact , it made him very angry . I began to notice a trend … he got angry very easily and often . I could not understand why he just didn 't tell me in the beginning that he was a smoker . He didn 't like those sort of questions either so when he began to yell , I backed down . Weeks later , after I was back in Texas , I started to realize how much he drank . There was a pattern with him going out after work . At first , it didn 't happen all that often . While he was at work we would talk and text throughout the day and by the time he was off , he was in his car and I was on the phone with him . We would talk all night and then slowly , he started to call me less . Our conversations were shorter and his after work bar visits increased . While he was out , he would still text or call , but more often than not , he would ask me to call him at a certain time to remind him to leave the bar and go home . Eventually , my calls would go unanswered or he would pick up and yell at me for bothering him , hang up on me and then not take my calls . The next day he would apologize and express how bad he felt , stay home for a few nights and then the cycle would repeat . He had a pattern and I was beginning to become very familiar with it . One night , while I was home in Texas with my kids , he called to let me know he was going out . He again asked me to call him at midnight to remind him to go home . I reluctantly agreed and when I called , he got mad and hung up on me . A few hours later , my phone rang and Jake was on the other end of the line . He was panicked . He had been pulled over and had no idea what was going to happen . The call was cut short and I didn 't hear back from him that night . That was the night he was arrested with a DUI . The next morning , when he called he was a complete mess . He was crying because he was already on parole and was terrified that this would be a major violation and he would be sent back to prison . As we were on the phone , my heart was breaking for him . I was so upset and so scared . I immediately booked a flight for the next day so I could be there with him when he went to see his probation officer . He had previously been in jail for five years and that was because his best friend set him up by placing drugs in his house so the FBI would find them and he would take the fall . He was senteI wanted to protect him . I wanted to save him . I thought if anyone could love the darkness out of this man , it would be me . There were times when I saw such goodness in him . Once , when my grandmother was sick and in a nursing home back home in Boston , my mom called me and she was in a state of panic . She was worried about my grandmother and didn 't want to be alone . I told Jake what was going on with her and minutes later he was in his car headed to comfort my mom . He sat with both my grandmother and my mom until she was stable . He talked to them , made them laugh and held their hands . I felt better and my mom did too . He then began to go visit my grandmother in her nursing home . She had no idea who he was , but she had a smile on her face when he would enter the room . He visited weekly and for Christmas he gave her an angel that sat on top of her dresser . It would light up different colors and she adored it . I remember one day driving on the highway , a car almost hit me and as I swerved , I almost drove off the road . I called him upset and shaking . He talked to me calmly , had me pull over and asked me to check for something in the trunk . As I got out of the car and looked in the trunk , he told me there was nothing in there and he wanted me to breathe . There was a good man deep down and I saw a light in a very dark place . I thought , " If I loved him enough , the light would shine brighter and he would be ok " . We would be ok . I tried for years and finally I had to give up . As I incessantly tried to search for that dim , dull light inside of him , my light smoldered and eventually was extinguished . I could feel it burning out , but I thought I would be ok . I thought I could be enough for us both . Jake didn 't want to be saved . He felt there was nothing wrong with the way he talked to me . A few months into our relationship , we were at his parents ' house . He was living with them at the time because financially he could not get on his feet . He got into an argument with his parents and I remember my stomach turning andKelly Smith ~ Signs in the Rear View Mirror ~ Episode 5 : Objects in Mirror are Closer Than They Appear . . On February 9 , 2017 By fireball790In Abuse , divorce , hurting , love , narcissism , relationships , romance , Uncategorized3 Comments As the days turned into months and life moved forward , my divorce became more and more of a reality . One afternoon while the kids were in school , Derek came over . He walked upstairs , cut through the living room and sat at the solid wood , custom ordered dining room table we picked out together . He took his usual seat and I pulled out the chair next to him . He opened my laptop that was already sitting on the table . As he began to type we made small talk and I watched the clock carefully . I was not expecting a call from Jake , but I was anxious . I was afraid he was going to discover my soon to be ex - husband was not only in my house but sitting at my table , next to me . He would not like that . As sweat began to produce in my hands , Derek and I filed for divorce … together . We picked out who would have the kids on which days . Who would have them on their birthdays and for which year . I would take Christmas and he would take Thanksgiving every other year . We had to decide who would have them on every single holiday , even Flag Day . As Americans , we have so many holidays . So as Derek and I figured out where our kids would be on Martin Luther King Jr . Day , I continued to watch the clock and my phone . We discussed health insurance , car insurance and who would pay what for the kids . He did the math in his head and I felt nostalgic because I loved that about him . He sat there with his eyes closed as he crunched numbers in his head and I just wanted to reach out to him one last time . I wanted to tell him I still loved him and wanted us to work , but I didn 't . I knew we no longer wanted the same things out of life . He spat out a few numbers , jotted them down and we moved on to other things . We sat next to each other for about an hour and dismantled the life we spent over 20 years building . And just like that , it was done . Over . Filed . We were getting divorced . Derek and I , who had our oldest son as teeThat day after Derek left , I made my way to my bedroom , crawled onto " our " bed and cried . I began to mourn the end of the only thing that was ever familiar to me . The only thing that was ever home to me . Derek and I in a sense grew up together . We had to figure out a lot of life while we were together . Now , I was on my own . But then again , I had Jake to lean on . I knew I had to call him before he began to wonder where I was . I sat up in my bed , wiped my tears , cleared my throat , and called Jake . I told him we filed and now we had the two month " cooling off " period and then it would be done . I had on a strong , cold can 't wait for it to just be over voice on while I talked to Jake . The truth was I was dying inside . I wanted to tell Jake how sad I was . I wanted to be able to open up to him and let him know I was hurting . I wanted him to take care of me and tell me everything was going to be ok … but I didn 't . I didn 't tell him what my heart was feeling . I didn 't think he would understand . I was not sure he was even capable of comprehending what I was going through . After we hung up , I threw the covers over my head and cried until I had to pick up the kids . I had a lot of moments like that . A lot of telling him great things about my days and what I was busy with , but in reality I was beginning to fall apart . The 5 to 10 days I thought I needed to get over Derek were turning out to be a lot longer and a lot more intense . I called Derek a lot . I cried to him a lot . He would take my calls and try to help me though it . He would respond to my texts and take me out to dinner to see if I was doing okay . I could tell Derek how I felt . I could tell Derek I missed him . I could fall apart with Derek … but not with Jake . So , I began to see a therapist . I knew I needed help getting through this . I knew Derek and I were not good together and that I wanted to be with Jake but I could not figure out why I was still so sad . Jake had no idea how much pain I was in . To this day , he has no idea how much I was suffering with the end of my marriage while trying so hard to begin something with him at the exact same time . A few times I thought about ending it with Jake , but then I would panic . I would be alone and that scared me . I thought it would be better to suffer than it was than to be alone . Suffering seemed to be my hobby at this point . The only thing I knew how to do and I did it well . Between dealing with my divorce and my relationship with Jake , I was a complete mess . While I was working through being on my own and trying to figure out who I was , Jake was asking where I was , who was I with and why didn 't I take his call . " Who do you talk to at the gym ? Why do you find it necessary to workout ? " he would ask . It became too much for me . All of the arguing with Jake was no longer worth it … so I gave up the gym . I began to eat fast food , cookies , pie … you name it . I was indulging daily on everything I was taught not to eat while I was competing and modeling . I began to add weight but I figured as long as I could still see my lower abs , I would be fine . Well , that didn 't last long . I was traveling back and forth from Texas to Boston twice a month and when I was home in Boston , I was eating and drinking . I no longer cared about working out and Jake insisted that he loved the way I looked … but deep down , I felt sad and gross . I missed my workouts and eating routine . But because it was less stress on my new relationship , I pushed those feeling down and covered them with burgers and fries . The only place I felt safe was when I was 30 , 000 feet in the air . Only then , could I be myself , let it all out and cry . Jake could not reach me and I didn 't have to pretend to be happy . The days I volunteered at the school slowly fizzled and soon I wasn 't helping out at the school anymore . I was slowly becoming a shell of my former self … . I would later realize I was falling into a deep depression . I was either crying over the end of my marriage , my family or I was explaining myself to Jake . Things started to get dark for me and the walls were closing in . I became unrecognizable to myself . One afternoon , after the kids left for their dad 's house , I was talking to Jake . After the call ended , I found myself on the bathroom floor , barely able to hold my head up . I was gone … so was my will to live . I rummaged through my pill bottles and swallowed as many as I could . I could not do it anymore . I could not take it anymore . I had no direction . I had no desire . I felt that I had nothing left . I felt I had no choice . I layed on the cold tile floor wondering what I had just done but not able to muster up the strength to react . Luckily , not long after , a friend who was in the neighborhood , dropped by to say hello . She found me there , limp on the bathroom floor , picked me up and managed to help me vomit . Needless to say , I failed at my attempt . To this day , neither Jake nor Derek , much less my kids knew I wanted to end my life that day . It isn 't until now , that they may learn of how gone I really was . It was a tough time in my life but I managed somehow to get through it . I kept seeing Jake and putting on a strong front when he was around . I put up that front because I knew Jake wouldn 't understand . I was not protecting him from anything . I was protecting me from him . I didn 't want him to know I was sad . He wouldn 't have liked it very much and it was just easier to pretend to be okay than it was to be honest with him about my feelings . He would not understand that I wasn 't still in love with Derek but mourning the loss of my marriage . I was just sad . So I faked it . I faked being happy with the way my life was going . Truth be told , I felt defeated , destroyed . I was in pieces and I needed some time to feel and recover from the end of my marriage . I needed to be on my own to figure out who I was . I needed time to just be with my kids and be there for them . I didn 't take time for me or for my kids . I chose to put Jake first . I chose to talk to him and listen to him bitch about his day rather than read to my sons or watch a movie with them . I chose to explain every single move I made to him over sitting close to my boys to make sure they were okay . I made these choices and I regret them to this very day . My kids needed a healthy mom more than I needed a man . A man who made me anxious and paranoid if I missed his call . A man who called me names and put me down when I was suicidal . A man who was so concerned about himself that he never once asked me if I was okay . A man who was so upset about my social media page that I had to go through and delete every guy friend and every picture I had of me , Derek and the kids . I was not ready to do that but I did it to please him . I deleted it all just to make things " easier " in my relationship with him . I had a choice in all of this and I chose him over everything , myself included . I didn 't love myself . I didn 't know how . I was lost and confused and I was weak . I thought at the time that what I was doing was right . But it wasn 't …

I had finally reached my breaking point and I no longer wanted to tease Rebound . I didn 't want him thinking that I was in love with him when I didn 't even like him . He was already planning our lives for when he got back . He tells me that he had just bought a car in Vegas and it was cheaper for him to fly home instead of driving . He decided that we would take a vacation together in a couple of weeks . A road trip . We 'll drive my car over to Vegas and then drive both cars back . All I could hear was I want you to pay for a road trip so I can get my car . Oh yeah , I want you to pay to drive my car back home too . I was done . I took some time off from work and drove over to Krystal 's apartment . We decided that we would just end it over the phone . He was waiting for me to call him back and give him an answer about the road trip . I had already said no , but he was giving me time to think about it some more . My answer was still no , hell no . We didn 't really have a plan for what we were going to do . We just sat down together and I handed her my phone . It 's amazing how I can never get him to answer the phone when I want to talk to him , but he will answer immediately if he wants something . Krystal used my phone to call him and he answered . And then he hung up . I didn 't realize that he would be such a wimp about it . As soon as he heard Krystal 's voice , he hung up . She gave me the phone back and I tried calling him this time . He didn 't answer . She tried calling on her phone and still he didn 't answer . I sent him a text message asking him why he hung up on me . His response , you didn 't call me . I acted as if I didn 't know what he was talking about . This was true , kinda . Krystal told me that he wanted it to be just the two of them , but she wouldn 't go . He asked Hood for a ride and then asked her to join them . The three of them rode to Atlanta together , but Rebound focused on her completely . And Hood was not her man . This I already knew . I 've known Hood as long as I 've known Krys . He has always been there . While I 'm having this text conversation with him , Krystal is also having a conversation with him . She was giving him the full force of her temper ( not a pretty sight ) and he was still trying to get with me . He was trying to calm her down at the same time . We let him think that we had run into each other while I was out to lunch . Silence . Yes , this was the best part for me . He stopped talking to Krystal too . Planning his next move . I didn 't say anything else . I just waited for him to come up with the lie he was going to use . I knew that he wouldn 't just walk away . He wanted something from me and he was going to keep working me until he got it . So his next move was to blame me . Make me feel guilty . Wrong choice . I already knew that he was a lying SOB . But now with the help of my dear cousin , I knew that he was the worst level of SOB . Damn , men make me stupid sometimes . Me : She family . Why would she lie to me ? I 'd tell her momma . ( I would too . Well , not her momma , her grandmomma . Very intimidating . ) He had this habit of changing his phone number every couple of months . He was running away from something . Probably a woman , but it could be anything . He changed his number again when he went to Vegas . He was out of touch for a while , but when he wanted something from me he calls to give me his number . Krystal had his new number , therefore he had to give it to her . In fact , she had it before me . She was the first one to give it to me . Because she already gave it to me I recognized the number when he finally called . Again , this was true . Krystal said she wouldn 't let him touch her . She was not his woman and he had no right to touch her . She thought that he was still with his highschool sweetheart and she wasn 't about to be his girl on the side . She told him that if he could prove that he wasn 't with her then they could have something . He hadn 't been able to prove it . He couldn 't invite Krystal over to " his " place cause it was mine . He wasn 't with her , but he was with me . He sure tried his best to get in her pants though . I read some of the messages . I let Krys know that she wasn 't missing out on anything . It was better back in highschool . This was about the time Krystal sent him the text about the laptop . Something like your ass need to stop lying and give cuz back her laptop . You know you got it . I know you got it . He had some legal issues and was currently on probation . He never told me this . I found this out from Ty . Ty ran a background check on him and gave me her findings . He was just like my ex , other than the beating on me . But according to his background check he had been arrested for beating on the girl he was living with . Damn . I sure can pick ' em . The point is , he didn 't need me pressing charges against him . His ass would go right back to jail . He kept on trying to convince me to forgive him . He even had the nerve to try to convince me to get him a plane ticket so we could talk about it . How difficult is it to understand that I do not want to talk about it ? I 've made up my mind . I didn 't respond . I didn 't respond to any of his texts or phone calls for over a week . He finally stopped trying . At least for a little while . I figured that he would just stay in Vegas , but something was drawing him back here . I don 't know how he did it , but he did make his way back to town . I haven 't seen him , but he calls every now and then to tell me that he loves me . He knows that he was wrong , but he 's saved now . He is ready to truly be with me . Krystal and I have a good laugh over this . He tells her the same thing . I was able to move on from Rebound with no problem . I deserve better than that and I know this . My judgement about men still isn 't all that great , but at least I 'm free from Daniel and Rebound . Kinda . Daniel is still a pain in the ass . I can 't be completely rid of him because of our child , but dammit I wish he would just disappear . The other men in my life find it so easy to disappear . I need that to rub off on him . So that 's the story of Rebound . A part of it anyway . There 's other crap that went on , but nothing as bad as I 've already told you . And no , I never got my laptop back . I 'm just going through life , minding my own business when I get a message on my Facebook account from my cousin . At that time Bobbie and I didn 't really know each other . I remember seeing her at the hospital a few months back and we caught up with each other a bit . We didn 't even exchange phone numbers or anything , just polite conversation . When I got the message I thought that maybe she sent it to the wrong person . It was just a short one , " I need to talk to you about something . Call Me . " She left her phone number . I called her and she asked me if I knew Rebound . Yeah , I did . I asked her why ? She didn 't tell me . She wanted to know if we were dating . No , we weren 't . Not yet . He had been chasing me for a little while , but I was still playing hard to get . I was interested , oh yeah , but he had other female issues that I wasn 't comfortable with . I told Bobbie that I was not dating him . Once again I asked why . She told me . They had been dating , but weren 't anymore . He was a good for nothing SOB that stole her laptop . Oh , wow . I wasn 't expecting that . Damn . That shit was uncool . This ass was actually trying to get with me while he was with my cuz . What the fuck ? Oh hell no . That was not going to work for me . I told Bobbie what was going on , which wasn 't much of anything . I had just gotten back a couple of days before from taking him to Atlanta . That was how she figured it out . She was just going through her friends on FB and noticed my recent posts . They matched up to things that she knew was going on with Rebound . Hell , my last post was " In ATL with the babe . Spending some quality time before he goes off to Vegas . " I knew something wasn 't quite right about Rebound . He told me that he was no longer with the crazy girl , but he wasn 't clear about where he was staying with me . I thought that maybe he was still with her , but I was wrong . Bobbie set me straight on that . That SOB was one hell of a liar , but not a good one according to cuz . I had gotten my hopes up . He told me that he was working at a law firm as a paralegal and making decent money . He had a nice car and a nice place . All lies . He stayed in a nice house , but it was Bobbie 's house , not his . He had a car , but it was a piece of shit . Hell , I drove us around more than he did . I even knew where my cousin lived because I had dropped him off there one night when we had went out to play pool . I was starting to fall hard for him and he was just another good for nothing lying jackass . Hearing all this from Bobbie was a bit of a shock . She always seems so cool and in charge and her life is perfect , but that was wrong too . She told me about Daniel and then some more about Rebound . She 's just a woman , like me , and she had been taken advantage of . I hate that . Bobbie is good people , more importantly , she 's family . Bobbie told me that she wasn 't trying to keep me from seeing Rebound . I could see who ever I wanted to , but she wanted me to be cautious . He has proven not to be trustworthy and she didn 't want me to let him get too close and have him take all my shit . Oh no , Cuzzo . This punk ass man has messed with the wrong family . I was going to keep talking to him and let him think that I was eagerly waiting for him to come back home . Once he got back to town I was going to get cuz back her laptop . I was also thinking that I would get Hood and his boys to beat the shit out of him . Yeah , that sounded like a plan . Bobbie told me that she did not think that Rebound was coming back . I thought that he was . Every time I spoke with him he talked about what he was going to do when he got back . I was still certain that he was going to return after his one week trip turned into a two month trip . He never once said that he was going to stay in Vegas . He was having some money trouble , which I 'm certain was true , and he just needed to get up the cost for a plane ticket or at least gas money . He was planning on buying a car and just driving it back . ( I know , that makes no sense , but that 's what he said . ) Bobbie thought that he was trying to get me to play for a plane ticket . She had done that for him once before . I didn 't have no money to be buying his ass a ticket . I wouldn 't have done it even if I did have the cash . A couple of weeks into his trip he started calling Bobbie again . He was giving her those " Baby I love you and I can 't wait for us to be together " stories . She called me the second she got the first text from him . We agreed that she would pretend to miss him and want him back . He was either going to her or me first when he got back into town . We were just trying to get that laptop back . Bobbie kept their conversations to a minimum cause they made her sick to her stomach . It was funny . He would text her and she would forward me the messages and I would do the same . He would lie and lie and we knew about it . He was a damn fool . We had to be careful about what we said to him . We couldn 't let it slip that we knew he was full of shit . We both dropped hints every now and then about family . lol . Bobbie told him that they could have a cook out when he got back . It could be a party . She had a cousin that she wanted him to meet . We both got tired of playing along with him waiting for him to come back . Bobbie said that she couldn 't pretend to be nice to him anymore . It was making her physically ill . She could do without her laptop . She would rather never see him again . Ok , I could go for that . But he made it clear to us both that he was coming back . He wouldn 't give either one of us a date , but he was going to be back . He tried to get Bobbie to buy him a plane ticket , but she refused . Told him that if he woulda paid her back for the last ticket like he was supposed to then she woulda had the money for a ticket , but he didn 't pay her back and she was broke . Bobbie tried her best to hold out until he got back , but she finally reached her breaking point . She made it clear that she was still upset with him and didn 't think that she could just jump right back into a relationship with him . He still denied taking the laptop . I know for a fact that he has it because he let me use it when we went to Atlanta . Anyway , he told her that he understood and that they could take things slow . She let him know that he did not have a place in her house and that 's when he started to lay it on thick . He was in love and wanted to marry her as soon as he got home . She listened to that BS without bursting into laughter . While he was proposing to my cuz over the phone he was professing his love to me as well . His lease was just about up on his place and it would be a great time for us to move in together . We were meant to be together . I countered with the fact that my lease was just about up too and I would just rather we stayed at his place since it was so much bigger than mine . He didn 't like that , but couldn 't explain why he would want to stay at my small apartment when he had such a big house . Bobbie got fed up and she didn 't want to play games with him anymore . It was time to end it . She could just get her a new laptop when she had the money . She already had an older one at home that still worked fine . The laptop that Rebound took was actually one of those netbooks . She loved that little thing and hated to let it go , but letting it go was preferrable to possibly being in the same room with Rebound again . It was time for the two of us to end things with Rebound . Just calling him up and telling him wasn 't good enough . We wanted to make him sweat . And that 's exactly what we did . Good times , oh yes . Check back for the rest of the story . Rebound was my best friend in high school . Looking back on it , I realize that he wasn 't the great guy that I remember him being . My vision on it all was a bit cloudy . He was my closest friend and I spent a lot of time with him , but I didn 't really know him as well as I thought I did . Of course , there were clues , but I ignored all that . The biggest clue of all should 've been the way he played with my emotions . He was my friend and I expected nothing more than that . Throughout majority of our friendship he was dating the same girl . I didn 't like her , but I had my reasons and they were valid . But he was in love and I figured I would let him make his own mistakes . She didn 't like me either . And then there was the fact that I was sleeping with her man . I 'm not actually sure how that came to be , but it happened . A few times . And it was great , and I fell head over heels . Stupid . He was my friend , but he never attempted to become more than that , other than the occasional sex . So life goes on . He graduates and goes into the military and moves away . I basically never hear from him again after his last visit home . His mom passed away that year and he had no more family in the area . Sure , I thought about him from time to time and wondered how he was doing , but that was it . And then one day I get a friend request from Facebook and it his him . OMG . Talk about excited . I accepted and it was like all this time never passed . He was the same guy I could talk to about anything . And dammit , he had moved back into the city . This was during the end of my relationship with Daniel . Rebound was there for me to vent to . I told him the things that I didn 't tell Ty . He was supportive through it all and made it clear that he wanted me out of that relationship . He said it was going to end badly and he didn 't want me hurt or worse . I knew this was true , but how was I going to support my kids on my own ? I never had time to think about it . Daniel attacked me one day with a knife and it was over . I had my cell phone in my hand and called 911 as soon as I realized the fight was getting out of hand . The police were the ones to get him out of the house . I never let him back in . That was a horrible day . I cried all over Ty and Rebound came by later and I cried all over him and then some . Huge mistake . What do I end up doing ? I jump from a relationship with Daniel into a kinda relationship with Rebound . I forgot to mention he was back in the city , but he was also back with her , his high school sweetheart . He made up all sorts of excuses about how it was convenient and they weren 't even close anymore . He wanted out , but needed to make sure she would be able to support herself first . She had three children ( none of which were his ) and just one job . I was just fresh out of my relationship and unsure of where I was going so this was okay for me , for a while anyway . He was still there for me to talk to and he would visit every now and then . I was okay . But things started changing . He didn 't call anymore and had little time to talk to me . He was lying to me and I was catching him at it . He wasn 't very good at it . I was getting a very bad feeling about him and Ty was like " forget his ass " . But this was the guy that I was so close to at one point in time and I started making excuses for him myself . He was a damn jerk towards me but then he would plan these great weekends for us . Took me a while to realize that I was paying for most of it myself . Stupid . I had started to get smart and I stopped calling him . It was time to move on and I tried my best . I started dating other people . Went on a few dates here and there . He would call me every few days asking me why I was ignoring him . Gave me a sense of power . I liked it . But I was sure there was no future for us and I needed to just forget about him . And then he shocked the hell out of me . He dumped the girl . ( Now that I 've gotten to know him better , I 'm thinking she kicked him out . ) So he ended up staying with me for a while . Stupid again . He wasn 't there long . When I let him move in he told me that he had planned on leaving . He wanted to be with me , but he needed to go visit with his son for a little while . His son lives in Nevada with his mother and it 's been a while since he was able to visit with him . Story sounded okay , but it rubbed me the wrong way . The couple of weeks he was with me were okay . He already knew my kids and they got along great . But he definitely didn 't act like a man who wanted to be with me . He went out most nights and came back only after I was asleep . He booked a flight to Nevada on his own . I questioned the trip . I didn 't know how he was going to get there and I was not going to be out of pocket anything . His place of employment had closed down so he had been without a job for a couple of months . No , I wasn 't supporting him other than giving him a place to stay . But he planned his trip and he was real excited about it . He packed his things . And when he packed , he packed everything . He wasn 't coming back . I was certain . He said otherwise , but I knew he was lying . I figured he was just trying to get back with his baby 's momma . He tried sneaking off when he finally left , but that didn 't work . He actually tried leaving without telling me . He had tried to get me to take him to Atlanta , cause that was where he wanted to fly out of . I refused . I was in no mood to finance a trip to Atlanta . He tells me that he thought I didn 't care so he was just leaving . He found a ride and they were ready to leave right then . I should 've paid more attention when I told him good - bye . He left my house and took my laptop with him . Talk about pissed . He tried convincing me that he didn 't take it and it was still at the house , but I know where I keep my things and so do my children . It was definitely over . I wanted nothing else to do with him . But FB brought him right back into my life . Turns out there was another female that he was courting . I wouldn 't have cared , but dammit , it was my cousin . Yep , I can really pick ' em . Stay tuned for my next post for the rest of the story . Krystal is gonna help out with it too . lol . Sexy is most definitely not me . It has never been . There is no bringing back of something that was never there . But I figured that I could at least pretend that I had it . So , I 've told you a bit about my bad relationship with my ex , the conversations with some guys online , and a hint of the disaster that was Rebound . Believe it or not , there is still a lot that I haven 't told you guys yet . Around the time that I decided that I could no longer remain with my ex I started working on myself . I was not happy with myself and knew that I needed to start being happy with me . I changed my eating habits , I started working out and getting more active . I didn 't notice much change while I was still with the ex , but once he moved out the weight just seemed to fall off . I got new clothes to go with the new body . I got a great new haircut that I loved . I was wearing my hair short for the first time in my entire life . Oh , and I started wearing make up . With my complex skin color it was difficult finding the perfect match . But I did and I look decent . I 'm pleased with myself . I hadn 't been able to say that in a long time . So during the period of Rebound I got a bit lonely . Rebound wasn 't there for me majority of the time . I had Ty , sure , but I wanted some male companionship . I almost never saw him and he rarely called or texted . I should 've known better than to get involved with someone who was already involved with someone else , but I got overwhelmed with his charm . For a while that was enough for me , but when he started to get distant ( which was almost immediately ) I started to get frustrated . I put up with a lot from him too , but I finally got out . I got lonely waiting on Rebound and started my online conversations again . For the most part it was just harmless fun . I hated that guys just tried to start stuff with you so they could get you into bed . I 'm sorry but " when I 'm gonna hit that ? " is not a conversation starter if you are actually trying to be serious . But I got to practice my flirting and my kick ass attitude . The conversations with the guys never lasted long . They would let you string them along for a little while , but if you weren 't going to put out and they figured this out , they were gone . This is the period that my ABC boys came to be . There were a few who actually appeared to be serious and we had some great conversations . I was actually up to meeting a few of them , but I was not about to travel a great distance to meet a guy . It 's funny how the guys who are close to you won 't talk to you , but guys who lived hours away couldn 't leave you alone . But these guys that were serious maybes had names that began with C . All of them . One of them caught my attention more than the others . Charmer was my favorite of the C 's . He was a single father of three . He divorced from him wife and fought for custody and won and was now raising the three of them on his own . I thought that was sexy as hell . He was also just the nicest guy . He was always there to talk to and actually worried about me and my kids . He never once pressured me about meeting him . Sex as never the main topic of any of our conversations . I really liked him . I liked Charmer enough to meet him . I didn 't want him to come to my place or even my city , just incase he wasn 't what I expected . I definitely didn 't want to go to his place . So we decided on a halfway point . It was a nice enjoyable visit . Ty was even around for back up . There is more to the story , but I 'll save it for it 's own post . I didn 't want anything serious with Charmer , but I have kept him around . Like I said , he 's a real nice guy . I had also gotten real serious into social networking , especially facebook . I enjoyed talking with people I hadn 't seen in a long time and even new people that I have never met before . I got a few ABC boys there as well . I 've tried seeing guys from the other end of the alphabet but that has not worked out quite yet . It was through facebook that I saw Brad again . I decided not to give him a nickname because he has a fan club , mainly Ty . From that Team Brad was born . Most importantly , not really , facebook brought an old flame back into my life . D or Punk Bitch as I may sometimes call him was the guy I was dating before I dated my ex . I actually broke things off with D to be with the ex . A big mistake as it turned out . D and I started with text messages to each other and then I learned that he actually lived in the same city as me . We met and he basically hooked me . It happened fast so naturally it is wrong . So much history between us . My fault in thinking that was a good thing . And don 't let me forget Taken 1 and Taken 2 . I 'm sure that their code name tells the whole story there . Close enough anyway . Nothing serious can ever happen with either one of them , but I still can 't seem to let them go . So those are the top players in this game of " Sexy Back " . Yes there are others . They come and go often . I 've left myself open to the possibility that my top players may not be the one for me . In truth I know that they are not the one for me , but I enjoy talking to them and spending time with them . I enjoy play time with them as well , at least some of the time . Filed under ABC Boys , Bobbie Jo , Bobbie Jo 's Men , Charmer , Punk Bitch / D , Rebound , Taken 1 , Taken 2 , Team Brad That was me , even before my big breakup . Technically , Daniel and I were still a couple but I knew that we were over . I knew that we had been over for a long time . I continued to hold on , partly because I didn 't want to be alone . I thought that there were happy couples all around me and I wanted that illusion of happiness too . I have learned since then that I was not the only one playing happy , everyone was . There I was in this relationship that was a dead - end and I needed to prepare myself for being single . Part of my problem is that I keep fooling myself into thinking that I need a man in my life to be happy . I did know that I did not want to be in a bad relationship , but my big mistake was thinking that I needed any type of relationship at all . I took myself on a little test drive via on - line dating . Well , not really dating , it was more like on - line flirting . Turns out that I 'm actually a pretty good flirt . I was comfortable talking via email , text messaging and instant messaging , but I was not comfortable actually talking on the phone and meeting in person was out of the question . I liked flirting , but I didn 't want anything physical at the time . I still thought of myself as fat and ugly . I thought that if they saw me the appeal would be gone and I couldn 't take the disappointment . Daniel found out about my conversations and he was not happy about that . First there was the fight and then he suggested that we go through couples therapy . He just wanted me to think that he as serious . I didn 't believe him and I was right not to . But I did stop most of my conversations with my online guys . They weren 't real anyway . Just a few guys telling me tales trying to get in my pants . And that was not going to happen . After the breakup my desire to have that appearance of a happy relationship led me head first into my rebound relationship . My brief affair with Rebound was not very long - lasting , but it had one hell of an impact on me . I learned that my taste in men sucked , or at least my judgment in them was horrible . I , of course , will talk more about Rebound later . I think he deserves a post all to himself . I have given up on my quest to have that " I 'm so happy with my man " look . I do hope to find the right man one day , one that I will be happy with , but I 'm not going to try to force the issue . If it happens great , if it doesn 't I 'm not going to settle . At least I hope I don 't . I know myself and it 's a struggle at times for me not to just say , " You know , he 's an okay guy . Maybe I can make this work . " I 've done that before but I know now that I deserve better . I enjoy dating . I 'm having fun and loving the attention . I will continue to pray that I am strong enough to walk away from the situations that I know will only hurt me . That 's the risk that we take to find happiness . Filed under Bobbie Jo , Bobbie Jo 's Men , Rebound

I strive to be like Samuel . I stand ready and long to hear God 's call . God has placed on my heart the call of adoption , I hear the orphan 's cry . Through many prayers and discussions with my husband , we believe now is the time . Here is the story . I 'm sure that many aspects of our lives such as homeschooling , food and nutrition , and family life will trickle in . I pray that through this blog and our lives that you will see God 's glory and hear Him call you . So the day after Thanksgiving is one of my very most favorite days of the entire year . No , I don 't go shopping and get some great deals on Christmas presents . Ken and I started a tradition a very long time ago . One of my friends asked us to join them at a farm in Buckeystown , MD , Mayne 's Tree Farm , to get our Christmas trees . It wasn 't Black Friday that year but since then it has become a Black Friday tradition for us . There 's only been two years since Connor was born that we didn 't go there and he 's almost 12 . The year he was born and the year that we were renting while our house was being built . Both times I was extremely disappointed with our tree hunting experience . After the second time , I vowed we would never willingly choose a different experience . We love it . We hop in the Explorer / Suburban / Sprinter ( our cars have grown as our family has grown ) and ride up the road to the farm . It 's a family run farm and they keep their business going buy selling Christmas trees . We ride a tractor out to the field . We make sure to tell them we want white pine , because white pine is huggable . We jump off the tractor with a saw . We used to use their hack saws but we have since learned to bring my DeWalt reciprocating saw with a battery . We search and search . We mark trees with gloves and hats and scarves to make sure we can find them again . We look from every angle and we look at all sides . Well , using the term ' we ' isn 't exactly correct . You see , I 'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to Christmas trees and I 'm the one doing all this . Ken follows me around . The boys have always done their best to point out the tree that they think is ' the one ' but I 'm the one who makes the decision . Once the decision is made ( after traipsing around the field for about an hour ) , Ken usually asks three or four times if I 'm sure ( because sometimes I 'm not ) and then he cuts it down . We drag it back to the trail and the tractor picks it up . The put it on the machine that shakes out most of the dead needles and then they stick it through the machine that wraps it . We load it up , buy a dozen jars of preserves to last the year , and go have lunch . We drive home , put the tree up and the kids and I watch my all time favorite Christmas movie " The Muppet Christms Carol " while I put the lights on the tree and Ken hangs the Christmas lights on the house . For the past two years we have been very pleased to have my aunt and uncle meet us there and visit with us on this day . . . and this year they got to meet the newest Yeatmans . It was a good day . Diana and John loved the whole thing . John especially loved the tractor ride . Yuli did ok but started to fall apart before the day was over . All in all it was a good day . I tried really hard to not take long to choose the tree . We ended up with a much smaller tree than usual but it 's pretty . I hope they continue to plant more white pine . It seems like the selection wasn 't as good this year . We had a good lunch and I got half the lights on the tree . Unfortunately , Ken is having a really hard time with his cold / illness / plague whatever it is and didn 't get the lights up outside . In fact , Friday was his last day up and it may have done him in . Starting with Saturday , Ken spent four days in bed . He only got up once to sit with Yuli in her room while she raged for an hour so I could have a break . He then got up on Monday to go to the doctor , but for four days , I was single - mommin ' it . That was rough . Ken ended up cancelling his business trip and by the end of the week he was feeling ok to work from home . For the past several years , I had gotten into the ritual of spending the entire month of November posting on Facebook what I was thankful for . This year , I didn 't . I wasn 't entirely in the loop when October gave way to November and I just found it difficult to get started . However , I have a whole lot to be thankful for this year . Not really only this year , but it seems that I 'm realizing it more this year than other years . So here 's a short list of what I 'm thankful for . 10 . I 'm thankful for our material blessings . I know it sounds shallow but without this house , we wouldn 't have been able to bring three more kids home . Without my van , we wouldn 't have been able to travel in one car together as a family . And then there 's food . I love food and I 'm thankful that we are able to buy what we need when we need it . . . and for the most part what we want , too . 9 . I 'm incredibly thankful for our church family , work friends , and homeschooling friends who are helping to carry us along in this rough transitional time . They have prayed for us , given us money , encouraged us , brought us food , and have really lightened our load . We have truly been able to concentrate on our new family because of them and there is no doubt that the prayers have gotten us through the tough days . 8 . I 'm thankful for my baby boy John and that he 's allowing my to have one more mamma 's boy . I 'm thankful for one more go round with baby talk and sippy cups . I love his cute little smile and the dimple right in the middle of his cheek . I love it when he calls me Mami and clutches onto my leg when he doesn 't want Daddy to take him to bed . I love when he wraps his arms around my neck like I 've always been his mommy . 7 . I 'm thankful for my quiet , shy , baby girl , Yuli . When she cuddles with you , she just sinks right into your arms and your heart . When she is happy , she is really , really happy and she 'll share it with anyone . She loves hugs and cuddling . She 's cute as a button and has the best smile ever . She 's brave even in the face of doing something she doesn 't want to do ( ie . come to the US ) . 6 . I 'm thankful for my loud rambunctious girl , Diana . She has a huge personality and lives life to the fullest . She really loves her new family and is not at all shy about saying so . Well , she 's just not at all shy . She is so very patient with me and my Spanish . She is willing to help out when a job needs to get done and she is so very full of life . She 's a fast learner and loves playing with her big brothers . 5 . I 'm thankful for my bright , loud , energizer night owl , Cody . He is so smart it scares me sometimes . He is very good with his little brother and is an excellent translator when it comes to Spanish . I love to hear him singing ( which he does all the time ) and he is a fantastic cuddler . He remembers everything he 's ever read , seen on tv , or heard someone tell him . 4 . I 'm thankful for my quiet soul son , Rylan . He is an amazing gymnast and overall athlete . He can be counted on when something needs to get done . He is an amazing cook but he chops wood , too . He is my mini - me and is the first one to know when someone is upset . He gives the best hugs and when I wrestle with him , it has to be only him because he is about to overtake the strength I have left in this old body . 3 . I 'm thankful for my dear , sweet , grown up little man , Connor . He sometimes behaves more like a mature adult than I do . He keeps me together when I can 't find my keys or sunglasses or almost forget my water . He herds the little ones when we 're going out the door and keeps them busy when I need to get something done . He has a very generous heart and always thinks of others first . 2 . I 'm thankful for the godly man that is walking this life beside me . I am so very blessed to have him . He is nothing short of amazing and I have no idea what I would do without him . Sometimes I think that God crafted him especially for me . . . because I 'm not sure the average man could handle my mess . 1 . I 'm most thankful for the sacrifice that Jesus made . He gave up everything that was pure and holy and perfect to come down to this filthy , awful place filled with pain and suffering to die an excruciating death . . . for what ? For . Me . Wow . Every day should be a day of thanksgiving for that . Here it is . We 've been home for one week . All in all , things have been going ok . Ken went back to work on Tuesday . He had been planning on taking one more week off to help us get settled in . I told him that I would actually prefer he go in for short days to get me used to it before he goes back to full days . He 's such a good man . I don 't know if he actually wanted to go to work or not but he did . I 'm sure it 's much quieter there . He would stay home in the morning long enough for me to get showered and get the kids together and be ready for the day ( it takes longer than you might think ) . Then he would go in and most days be home by 6 : 30 or so . It worked out well . Connor is as awesome and mature as ever . He sees what needs to be done and does it . He helps out with the little ones as much as he can . I don 't think he 'd admit it if you asked him but he seems to really like having a two year old to take care of . He 's really great with them and obviously got his patience from his father , definitely didn 't get that from me . He started back to guitar on Monday and it 's good for him to be playing Christmas music . Rylan went back to gymnastics on Tuesday , also good for him . He needs a break to be with friends and enjoy time away from the craziness . He started having breathing problems that night so we broke out the nebulizer . It 's been quite a while since he 's needed it . At first we thought it was that he had lost his tolerance for chalk dust . Then we thought he 'd picked up the cough that Ken , John , and I had all been through . After three days of needing the nebulizer and it not helping much , Ken took him to the doctor Friday . He 's got bronchitis . Yay . Why him ? He 's got a meet in two weeks . I know one thing for sure , he won 't let it slow him down and he won 't miss competition season . I just pray that he can get over it and have a good season . Cody is . . . well . . . Cody is . . . Cody . Is there any other way to describe him ? He waffles between being mature and helpful to behaving like a three year old . I don 't guess that 's any different than it was before . He has been fabulous in the roll of seat belt police officer . Yuli hates her car seat . I have had to forcefully insert her into it more times than not . Luckily , her petite little fingers aren 't strong enough to actually open the latch but she 's trying . Cody is excellent at waffling between orders of ' No toca ' ( don 't touch ) and entertainment by teaching her to count in English . She skips numbers when she counts in Spanish so we 've given up on correcting that and are going straight for the English . He likes to teach and help them . Anyway he is very good at being silly and engaging the little ones to buy us some more time . Diana is adjusting well . She like us . She likes being here . She still doesn 't like being told what to do and I think at times she views things as being unfair . I hate that she sees it that way and at times I am without the words in Spanish to explain it to her . However , for the most part , she 's a whole lot of fun . She has an energy that just doesn 't quit and it seems that all the kids enjoy playing with her at different times . She seems to be coping well to the transitions . She did try to test Ken earlier this week to see if he would be consistent . She actually seemed surprised when he was . All in all , she is adjusting much easier than we expected . Yuli is not . She is still having a difficult time . I dont ' know what to do for the poor baby . She goes from one extreme to the next . She 's either fighting mad and screaming , deliriously happy and giggling / squealing like a crazy person , or catatonic . She is never anything in between and switches from one to the other like she has a light switch . I 'm praying that with time she will realize that we are it and she will be ok with that . I hope that you all will continue to keep her in your prayers as she is really , really hurting . Also , the mood swings are really , really exhausting for Ken and I . We ( Yuli included ) have a moment of peace yesterday . She found the storybook reader and thoroughly enjoyed listening to it read " The Lion King " to her . It was in English . I won 't be at all surprised if she is the first one to fully embrace English . John is also adjusting well . He likes me now . He likes me a lot . It was easier when he liked Ken and Yuli liked me . Now , frequently , I have one kid in each arm . Luckily , they are only five lbs different so I 'm not unbalanced ( at least when it comes to my muscle strength , I can 't say much for my mental state here ) . He has settled into life here and is a typical two year old into everything . He is mostly happy and is good to have around but we are currently in a power struggle . He likes to throw food and dump drinks on the floor . Now he has a sippy cup . He doesn 't like it . I do . When he throws it , I don 't have to clean up milk . I think he 's smart so he will learn fast that if he wants a drink , he needs to get it from the sippy cup because he ain 't getting it from anywhere else . As a matter of interest , if you have been reading their names in your head , you probably have been pronouncing them incorrectly and when you are introduced , you will be surprised . Well , ok . John is John . Yuli is pronounced Julie . We will probably have her name changed legally to Juli to save her the headache of explaining it as she gets older . I actually really like her name pronouced as it 's spelled . I 've heard her pronounce it that way several times . I frequently ask her which she likes better . When I ask , she tells me , ' Juli ' . . . The other day after I asked her , she looked at me and asked , " Which do you like better - Mami or Mami ? " Diana is pronounced like Deaunna or go with the guys ' name Dion and add an ' uh ' at the end . We aren 't quite sure how to explain that to Diana . I 've tried many times but my Spanish is lacking . She 's old enough to have the choice as to whether or not to change the spelling so that people will pronounce it correctly or keep the spelling and have to correct people that say it like , well Diana . Anyway , that 's all for today . Tomorrow I have to figure out Thanksgiving . I was so thankful this morning that John slept in until 8 : 00 . I changed his pants , brought him downstairs to get him started on breakfast , and enjoyed the quiet morning that I 'm not used to . All they other kids were still sleeping . The peace didn 't last long . Yuli was in a bad way when she woke up and was sitting on the bed by 9 : 00 . It only got worse from there . She would not listen to a word I said and was looking for a fight at every turn . By the time lunch rolled around , I was . . . done . There 's no other way to describe it . I was just done . She pushed my buttons one more time and it was up the stairs we went . Thankfully , I had already fixed John 's lunch and he was sitting in the high chair eating . Also thankfully , I had already sliced the bread for the sandwiches for the other kids . I left John in Connor 's very capable hands ( he 's awesome ) and the big kids fixed their own sandwiches while I dealt with her . I hate this . I hate every moment that I fight with her . I remember another adoptive friend telling me to remember that we are not fighting with our children , we are fighting satan for our children . It 's very hard to remember that when it 's their little defiant faces curled into a scowl right in front of you . I admit . . . by this point , I was angry . Very . Angry . I couldn 't even stand to be in the room with her . In the back of my mind , I know I can 't leave her although that 's very much what I wanted to do . When she finally conceded to sit on her bed without restraint , I walk out into the hallway ( where she can still see me ) because I need that space . I can deal with it if I can be in a separate ' room ' than her . I drop to my knees and pray because it 's the only thing I can do right now . This sucks . It sucks that my baby girl is so messed up that she can bring out the worst in me . It sucks that I allow it to happen . It sucks that I love her so much but at times I can 't even be in the same room . I find myself praying the same thing over and over . " God , you gave me this job , give me what I need to get it done . " By the time her 10 minutes were up ( she starts with much less time but when she fights with me , time gets added ) , I had not an ounce of anger left , thank you God . It was all sorrow . I hate what 's happened to her . She 's four years old . She shouldn 't have to deal with this . She shouldn 't feel this way . I went and sat on her bed , every bit as sad as she was in that moment . I told her that I love her . She says , " No . " I told her that I love her . I told her that I am her mommy . I am your mommy forever . Papi is your Papi forever . We love you . This is your family . You have four brothers and one sister . They all love you . This is your house . This is your room . This is your bed . I 'm sad that you don 't like it . I 'm sad that you don 't like us . I know that this isn 't what you wanted but that doesn 't change what it is . This is your family . This is your house . I am your mommy . For . Ever . I don 't like fighting with you . I like to cuddle and hug and play with you . It 's difficult to do those things when you 're fighting with me . It 's ok to not like us but that if you will listen to me that things will go much better for you . Things were just as bad a few more times . While John was sleeping she and Diana went outside to play . When she came back in , she was ok . This evening when we went to church , she allowed me to put her into her car seat and didn 't fight me . This is a HUGE step . After I buckled up I thanked her for not fighting me . I asked if she likes it better when we don 't fight and she said yes . When we got to church and I went to unbuckle her ( she cannot do it herself , thank you again , God ) , she told me , " I didn 't touch [ the seatbelt ] , I didn 't shout , I didn 't fight . " I said , " Yes , I know . Thank you . This is much better . " The same thing happened when we left church . When we got home , she was asleep . I don 't know , but I 'm hopeful that maybe , just maybe , we may have turned a corner . I did have two very good things with Diana today . When I got on FB to post about bike helmets there was a KidSave post up . Diana is always asking about the pictures on my computer and this was no different . I told her about the KidSave program and hosting and kids from Colombia looking for their families . She seemed really interested . We talked about it for a while and then I told her that when she and Yuli are older , I 'd like to have some of them come and stay with us and we can help them look for their new families . She choked . She looked horrified and asked , " Me ? " Oh no ! " No ! No ! You are mine . You are mine forever . Other kids ! Other kids that need mami 's and papi 's . " She understood but in that instant I saw a very clear image of just how much she likes us and how much I messed up not making it clear that it was other kids that are looking for families . Since Yuli was asleep when we got home I was able to climb into bed with Diana . . . it 's the top bunk , I hope it holds . We laid and the dark and talked for several minutes . I told her how much I love her . I told her that I 'm very happy she 's my daughter . She said , " Yuli . " I said that I love Yuli and I 'm happy Yuli is my daughter but that I 'm very happy that she is my daughter . She said , " No . " I said yes and she let it drop . I have read about it , I know it happens . But it still breaks my heart that it will take so long and take a million ' I love you 's before she actually believes it . I 'm going to try and get that million in as fast as I can . Well , if you couldn 't tell by the silence on the blog . We are home now . When we were in Colombia in a hotel room , once we got the kids to bed , there was nothing we could do for fear of waking them . Here , there 's a lot to be done and I can only get it done while the kids are in bed . Since I need to sleep as well , the blog has suffered . I have been informed that my friends are going through withdrawal . So here 's your post . Things are hard , but good . I forgot what it was like to have a two year old . He loves closing everything and pushing buttons . He 's sharp as a tack and has already learned how to turn off the lock out feature on the ice / water dispensers on the fridge . Diana loves it here and is so very happy . She loves her room , she loves having the top bunk , she loves the hand me down bike ( thank you Marsha ) , and she loves , loves , loves playing with her brothers . It makes me really happy to see how very happy she is . She has had some moments where she acts like your typical 7 year old who didn 't get her way but definitely not like those first few weeks . Speaking of the first few weeks . . . back then I thought Yuli was going to be the fastest to adjust . I was wrong . In hindsight , I realize she wasn 't cuddling with me , she was retreating inside herself , going almost catatonic . . . she just happened to be on my lap . She 's started that again but instead of me , she 's on my mom 's lap . Now that I can see it on someone else , I wonder how I could have missed it before . She needs prayers . She is not healing well . I realize that this is just another transition for her . I realize I need to give her more time . I 'm worried about her . Please pray for her . Please pray for me . She 's really testing us . Ken went back to work today and so it 's mostly testing me . I start every day with a prayer . I pray for all the kids ' healing . I pray for the strength and wisdom to be what they need . Only by the grace of God ( cause it ain 't me ) , I am able to stay calm while she 's doing what she 's doing . . almost all day . Almost . At the end of the day when it 's time to put the girls to bed , the absolute last thing I want to do is lay down with her . I know , it sounds awful . I feel awful when I say it . I 'm trying to be real here . By the time it 's time for her to go to sleep , I 've already been done with her for about an hour and all I want to do is leave . But I can 't . She 's afraid of closed doors . She 's afraid of the dark . She 's afraid of cats . She 's afraid of being alone . SWe ventured into the WalMart today while Rylan was at gymnastics . We needed several things in we just had to go . You could say it was over stimulation , but it wasn 't . It was just her doing what she does and not liking the consequences . She ended up throwing a full blown fit . I was calm . I was collected , I was firm . I kept repeating , " When you are ready to listen to me , tell me and I 'll let go . " She answers with a well placed kick or a ear piercing shriek . When we were waiting to pay , an older gentleman from the next register over was watching . He kind of smiled a little and leaned over to his wife and said , " She 's really not happy . " He noticed that I was speaking Spanish to her and English to the other two and we started talking ( loudly to be heard over the screaming ) . I explained that we had just gotten home from adopting them and she was having a really difficult time with it . He smiled and said he was very impressed with how I was handling it . He said that most moms would be beating their kids senseless by now . I smiled back and said , " There have been many times that I have been really grateful that the agency made us sign a paper saying we wouldn 't spank the kids . " Then I got serious and said , " It 's only by the grace of God that I have patience . " It 's true . My knee jerk reaction has always been to fight fire with fire . I was always ready for a fight and met people head on . Calm isn 't me . I truly believe that this is a peace that comes only from God . He has given me what I need for this job he gave me . It 's not easy . But I know that it 's a job that needs doing and He will be with me along the way . No matter how much I love her and how much my heart aches for her , He loves her more and He aches for her more . Ken and I can do this , because we are not alone . On a side note - I was really proud of Connor , Cody and Diana for stepping up in the WalMart . They helped with the cart , with John , loaded everything onto the belt and then back into the cart . I 'm really proud of them . It was really great . We were successful today in all our adventures . We are leaving tomorrow to go home . As such , the kids ( the new ones ) are subconsciously reacting to the impending transition . Diana is so very excited to be going to the US but I think deep down she is very stressed . Her behavior today was so much like that first week . Yuli has finally agreed to get on the plane but she still doesn 't want to go to the US or to her new house . She as well had a difficult time making good choices today . I think Helena ( our interpreter here in Bogotá ) was quite astonished by her behavior today . Me , not so much . She 's having a difficult time . Helena asked me if she was going to need counseling . I said that I didn 't know but that I wanted to give her time to adjust at home before we make that decision . I think she 'll be ok but we 'll do whatever is necessary to help her cope with what she 's been through . John is so comfortable with us now , he 'll be fine . As for Connor , Rylan , and Cody . . . they are so very happy to be going home . I think that bringing them here was hands down the absolute right choice . They have handled all the ups and downs like champions . I am so very proud of them . I was tickled to see Connor grinning from ear to ear tonight nonstop . He 's ready . So am I . Papa John 's for dinner . . . I can 't wait for some real pizza ! We have three things that need to happen tomorrow . We need to get the paperwork from the Doctor 's office saying that everything is ok and has been taken care of . All three passed the TB test with flying colors . It just about killed me to have to give them the chicken pox vaccine . I didn 't want any of my kids to have that one but I didn 't really have a choice . I 'd like to come back to the US . Yuli also needed a second vaccine . That did not go well . It took me and two nurses to hold her still while she got them . It really kind of stinks . She thinks I 've betrayed her . After we get the report from the doctor , we need to get the conformity paper from ICBF . I 'm not sure what that is but I know we need it . We have to be at the US Consulate at 1 : 30 to attempt to get the visas . From the sounds of it , the Consulate works very hard to get them done very quickly but sometimes the computer network ( Colombian ) that they have to be on to get it done doesn 't work . So , there it is . It all comes down to whether or not the network is up and running tomorrow afternoon . If it is , we come home Saturday . If not , we have to wait till Monday to get the visas and fly home on Tuesday . However , we ventured out to MultiParque today . Now the kids are hollering to wait until next week to go home because they want to go back it was so awesome . It 's kind of like a citified version of Cox farms . They have some really awesome stuff there . The park section has all this equipment that you work yourself , none of it goes on electricity . It was a whole lot of fun even though we didn 't have much time there . They also have bumper boats and three different go kart courses , paintball , trampolines , mini - golf , and some amusement park rides . I highly recommend it if you find yourself in Bogotá and need something to do with the kids . The park is the only part that 's open during the week ( and the lunch counter ) but the rest is open on the weekends . Anyway , tomorrow we 'll discover what our God in Heaven has in store ! One more dawn , one more day , one day more ! I 'm really sorry . . . it 's stuck in my head . Now it 's stuck in yours . Whilst you sing , enjoy some pictures . Many thanks to my fabulous husband who took the camera for the day so I could play and actually be in some of the pictures . They had these swings with really long ropes . Some were seats that you buckled into and some had cages like this one . They were really fun . The frame that held them was taller than most of the trees . I feel like the typical kid in the back seat of the station wagon ( oooohhh , I 'm dating myself ) on a roadtrip . " Are we there yet ? " I 'm ready to be home and we are one step closer to getting there . I went and picked up the kids passports today . So far , no reaction whatsoever on the TB tests . We go to the doctor tomorrow for the official reading and we have an appointment for Visas on Friday at 1 : 30 because they don 't do those in the morning . So close . On a good note , when I returned from the passport office , I was greeted by a , " MA ! " from the stairs . It was Diana . She was so happy to see me back she ran down and jumped into my arms . I carried her to the bottom of the stairs to the tune of crying . I got there and looked up and both Yuli and John were standing at the top , held back by only a baby gate , crying for me to get there faster . It felt good to be so wanted . We went to the park this afternoon and ran off some steam . Kids had another cut throat game of soccer . They like playing with the other Colombian children because they are really good . Baby girl took on a wooden swing and the swing won . Yes , that is a band - aid between her eyes . She wouldn 't stop touching it and I was afraid it would get infected . Other than that , we are just passing the time , waiting to get home . I would like to see more of Bogotá , I really would . However , I have reached a certain state of doneness that I can 't quite describe . I can compare it to going past your due date when you are expecting a baby . I know about that . . . my first three kids were 12 , 11 , and 10 days late respectively . When my sister - in - law ( love you Claira ! ) would talk about being done with here pregnancies at about 32 weeks ( as far as I know , none of hers were late and most of them were early ) I would think , " Honey , you don 't know what done feels like until you are a week past your due date . " Yeah . That 's where I am now . Done . I wanna go home and we have so much to do before we can . I 'm thinking about how to make it through each day , not about sightseeing . Anyway , the day started with Helena picking up Ken and Diana this morning to go get her ID card . She 's 7 and in Colombia , at that age , you have to have an ID card . They waited a really , really long time just to be seen . When they were seen , they were told that she was already in the system and had a card . They would have to pay a fee to change the info on the card . They have to go to the bank to pay the fee and bring the receipt back . They have to wait again . By the time they returned , the rest of us had eaten lunch and I had just gotten John down for a nap . Helena ate with Ken and Diana while we talked and worked out a game plan . It was decided ( partly because Ken wasn 't feeling great and partly because John seems to prefer me now - yay ! ) that I would be a better choice for the afternoon errands . As soon as Diana was finished eating , all three new kids ( had to wake John - practically against my religion ) , Helena and I set out for the passport office . We squeaked in about 10 minutes before they locked the doors . We didn 't have to wait long for help but doing the application wasn 't fast and Yuli and John were done before we got there . Diana was fantastic all day . She was just really patient and well behaved . After we left the passport office , we headed over to the medical building for the kids ' TB tests and Dr . 's appointments . This was not fun . Diana complains a lot about doing stuff , but I think the complaining is mostly for attention . When it 's time , she puts her big girl panties on does what needs to be done . I was counting on that when I made her go first for the test . In the US ( at least the last time I had it done ) , they just poked you with something that looks like a thumbtack . That 's what I had told the kids it would be . I was wrong . It was a subcutaneous injection that bubbles up the skin like an allergy test . Oops . Diana did great but it was lost on Yuli . From the instant I wheeled the stroller in and she was face to face eye level with the three syringes laying on the table , it was over for her . Let 's put it this way . . . when Diana was done , the nurse looked at me and said , " Let 's do John next . " Yeah . It 's a good thing I 've had a lot of practice holding the girl down this past month . Even the nurse told me to wrap my legs around hers and hold her tight . It was bad . She 's no bigger than a minute but her eyes can pierce right through you . Today , they were telling me that I had betrayed her . I did not tell her that we have to go back Thursday and she needs two vaccines . . . I 'm just going to act surprised when we get there . By the time we saw the Doctor ( they are all healthy , by the way ) it was very late . We had missed dinner at the hotel but I had asked Ken to request they save food for us . As we started to drive home , we passed a restaurant and we all started talking about what might be for dinner and dessert . The girls were talking so fast about what they hoped it would be and then John started yelling , " Pan , pan , pan , pan ! " ( bread ) Helena listened for a few minutes and then whipped out her cell and called the hotel . She told them we were on our way and we 'd be home soon and the kids were all starving . They had it waiting for us when we got back . It was really nice . I , however , acted like a first time mom today , rather than the usually prepared experienced mom I am . I took no snacks or water . They were starving . And somehow in my packing for Bogotá carry on and then repacking my around town purse , I forgot to put the diapers and wipes back in . Fail . I had nothing and had to present my two year old to the doctor with a diaper so full it had seeped through his clothes . I don 't know what 's wrong with me , neither one of those are things that I forget . Lose my car keys , cell phone , or my sunglasses , yep . Forgetting snacks or being caught without diapers or wipes , never ever . I 'm just so thankful that he didn 't do a job . I don 't even want to think about that . The highlight of my day was sitting in the doctor 's office . I started chatting with an obviously American couple who were also there adopting three kiddos . Their kiddos were 14 , 13 , and 10 , if I remember correctly . As it turns out , they are from Bel Air , Maryland . I looked at her and asked , " You didn 't by any chance get your kids through KidSave , did you ? " " Yes , we did . " I proceeded to tell her how much we love KidSave and how we had tried to host several times but that it never worked out . I then told her about the two KidSave kids that we dropped everything for and drove to NYC to meet . I told her the whole story about how we decided to adopt them and then the host family decided they wanted to adopt as well . Of course , the host family got first preference and we were disappointed , but how could we be sad ? We had seen them together . They obviously belonged together as a family . She was asking about the kids and I told her more . She said , " They are staying in the same hotel as us . They left here about 10 minutes before you came in . " Wow . Seriously small world . They arrived in Colombia 5 days after we did and their sentencia was the day after ours . By the way , KidSave is an awesome organization . We loved them . . . it just didn 't work out for us . Maybe in the future . If you really , really want to help kids find a home but adoption isn 't right for you , click on the link above to check out KidSave . They are near and dear to my heart and they have really helped a whole lot of kids . We left Pasto early Sunday morning . It was a little like leaving family . Patrice doesn 't serve breakfast until 9am on Sundays but he got up early and the guys were ready to cook for us at 7 : 30am . We miss them all already . We were so very blessed that God led us there . I don 't know what we would have done or how we would have managed without Patrice and the guys . Amazingly , I have done pretty well with the morning business , both on the day we went to Las Lajas and Sunday as well . I think it 's because I 'm a little overwhelmed with the idea of getting out the door with six kids so I plan better and procrastinate less . I started packing on Friday night . We found out that there was a classical guitar series going on in Pasto last week . . . we found out because all the guitarists were staying in the hotel . Since that 's what Connor does we really wanted to go . It was a difficult decision and Ken and I waffled several times on to go , to not go , what to do . We typically do everything together as a family . We decided to split up and give the big four kids a choice as to whether or not they wanted to go . Two of them said yes , two said no . When those two found out that the contingent that stayed at the hotel would be going to bed , they decided to go . Anyway , Ken took them and I stayed with Yuli and John . I got them to bed and then started packing . This was Friday . I never pack this far in advance . By the time I went to bed , enough stuff was packed that we needed to keep the kids at the park all day to keep them from unpacking . It worked well . We had to take two taxi 's to the airport . I was dreading this trip . Since we didn 't book until Friday afternoon , we couldn 't get a direct flight . I was very stressed . I was afraid we 'd lose someone in the airport ( s ) , I was afraid one of them would twig on the plane , I was afraid our luggage would get lost , I was afraid that one of the girls would have a fit and security wouldn 't let us on the plane . Praise God , none of the above happened . It all went really well . All the kids did great . Everything went very smoothly . Again , praise God . When we got to our new hotel in Bogotá , we met another family from the States . They have a 6yo boy and are here adopting a 2yo girl who coincidentally has the same name as my daughter , Diana . I thought that they must think we 're crazy until we chatted and I found out that they have three more in high school at home . They are really great people and are here at the beginning of the process . They 're hoping to be home by Christmas so we 'll be praying for them as we make our way home . They showed us the way to a park that has some soccer fields . Once we got there , Keith ( the dad ) organized a soccer game and it got really intense . A couple of local boys joined them and they had a real game going . We went back with them again today , this time Joshua ( the son ) was sporting a Colombia team shirt too . It 's nice to be with people who speak English . As it turns out , Joshua is home schooled and that was nice too . It 's also nice to be with people who know . . . I mean know . . . what 's going on and how it all works . Unfortunately , the girls are having a difficult time with the transition . Diana is very excited about our family ( until she has to do something she doesn 't want to do ) but Yuli still says she 's not going to the US . It doesn 't seem to matter how they outwardly feel . Subconsciously , they feel the change coming . Something big is happening and they are reacting to it . It 's been rough since we got to Bogotá . They are having a really difficult time , again . Anyway , neither Jamie ( the mom ) nor Keith batted an eye yesterday when Yuli pitched a fit and Ken fireman carried her all the way home . At one point , I took her shoes off her because she was kicking him and I was sure it hurt with the shoes . Jamie asked if I wanted them in their stroller . She then proceeded to tell me that if any of her biological kids had done that , she would have taken them to the wall ( I can 't remember her words but that 's the idea ) . She said it 's different with these kids and you have to meet them where they are . As it turns out , they used to be foster parents so they have a lot of experience . Anyway , it was nice to know that we weren 't being judged , that they understand . We are looking forward to going home but that means another difficult transition for the girls . So tomorrow , we have ( among other things ) to take the kids for their TB test and Dr . 's appointments . We also have to apply for their passports . On Thursday we go back to the Dr . to have the ' results ' read from the TB test . They will probably have to have some immunizations at this point but we 're not sure what yet . If they are all negative for TB , we go to the Embassy Friday afternoon to get the Visas . Here 's hoping we 're on a plane Saturday morning . If the TB tests come back positive , we will have to have x - rays to confirm they don 't have TB . That will delay our return . Here 's praying we will be back with our church family for the next Lord 's day . I 've really missed worshipping with them . Since I hadn 't posted in way too long , this post is way too long . I 'll leave you with the highlight of my day . John has become more and more relaxed with me . This morning we were having our meeting with Helena and Ken got up to go get more paperwork from our room . John had been sitting with me but he jumped up to follow Ken . I asked him if he wanted to go with Papí or stay with Mami . He grabbed Ken 's pants . Ken scooped him up to go faster and he turned and reached for me and yelled , " Mami ! " That 's the first time he chose me and the first time he called me Mami . When it comes to adoption , like everything else , you have to roll with the punches . You have to find the blessings in the midst of chaos . . . and I mean chaos . That right there was God 's gift to me , letting me know that we are doing the right thing . We are the ones that need to raise these kids . He knew that today was going to be a bad day and he saved that gift for that moment . If you 've ever thought about adopting but were afraid of it being too difficult , too expensive , or just too much , realize this - God will give you what you need to get through all of that if you just trust Him . Ken is back with us and safe . Their travels did not go well , nor did the paperwork go smoothly . He did however accomplish the one thing he set out to do today : sign the sentencia . The kids are ours now . They are Yeatmans . It 's official . Unfortunately , they had to leave our lawyer in Tumaco to finish up the rest of the stuff . I 'm thankful that he is doing that for us and that Ken and Patrice were able to come home , but I have to wonder , " Why does every single step have to be so hard ? " On the other side of the mountain , the kids and I did pretty well . I had absolutely no problems with Diana today and John did great with me . Unfortunately , Yuli was very upset that she had to share me with John . She had an extremely difficult day . I 'm sad that she 's having such a hard time . When John took his nap , I held her on my lap for the entire 90 minutes . I don 't know if it helped or not . . . she didn 't do better the rest of the day but hopefully , it will add up .

Maybe this is my " Sandlot " moment . Maybe not . However , fifth and sixth grade are always a magical time in a young boy 's life . My first crush , Donna Bilyeu . My foray into a life of crime as a street urchin . My first development of social interaction . How did these events shape me , and make the person I am today ? I had a specific memory that I wanted to write about , but others are coming to mind . I 've talked about my life of crime already . This is more about school . Our school had a playground in front , asphalt , and fenced in to keep us from going out into the busy street . The back was a very large playground . Half was asphalt and half was dirt , but during the previous summer the back was asphalted also . I guess it makes it better to play softball on ? There were two sixth grade classes because this was a big school . Two male teachers , Mr Dresch and Mr Goldsmith . I had heard all kinds of scary things about Mr Goldsmith , and didn 't want to be in his class . As it turns out , Mr Goldsmith was a pretty cool teacher . He was smart , he was funny , and he knew how to communicate with us hooligans . Although … One day for PE we are out on the asphalt playing softball . The large class is divided into two teams , and positions were random . On this occasion , I was catcher . I think Goldsmith assigned me this position so I would have some practice throwing and catching , because I was not athletically inclined in the strictest sense of the word . Or any sense , really . Goldsmith was pitching . Was my windpipe crushed ? It hurt like a sonofabitch . Was that a fastball ? A fastball with a softball intended for grade school kids ? I was having trouble breathing . Was I injured , or just hyperventilating ? It was about 35 years ago so I don 't remember what Mr Goldsmith said to me , but the essence of it was , " Man up . Get back in there and catch . " The year before that , in fifth grade , I had to deal with a couple of bullies . Why do they always seem to want to pick on me ? Did I seem that soft ? Was I an easy target ? A pushover ? The first kid I remember his name . Wayne Welch . He had dark hair in a crew cut , and a square face . And he always smelled like pee . He tried to hassle me a few times , and I didn 't respond correctly , so eventually it just led to him calling me names and occasionally trying to check me in hallway . The other kid I don 't remember his name . Let 's call him Stevie . When I was in fifth grade , he was in sixth . I never saw him much , except out on the playground during recess , which is really just an exercise in anarchy with a time limit . He tried to bully me on the playground , and I was timid , so I put up with it . He had a look of complete shock on his face , like he had just woken up and I was standing over him . I punched him a few more times , and he may have swung wildly at me . But he was retreating in a circle . But as quickly as it had started , it was over . Stevie gave ; he capitulated . He tried to save face - what else are you gonna do ? - by saying that he has asthma and was having trouble breathing , and it was making him dizzy . His nosebleed , too , was a side effect of this condition , and not the result of any punches I might have landed . Afterward we talked , and he tried to get chummy with me . I didn 't understand much of what was going on . The whole episode seemed strange to me . But he was respectful if not friendly after that . I never had a problem with Wayne Welch after that either . Behind the school , behind the playground and past the gravel alley , was the graveyard . This was the standard meeting place for fights after school . And we never went deep into the graveyard either - it was always right at the corner right at the entrance . I ended up fighting someone there , someone I didn 't know . It had to be an older kid , most likely a seventh grader . Those seventh graders were all hardcore , tough as nails . Bikers . Gangbangers . JDs . That stands for juvenile delinquents . Whatever happened , I got my ass kicked . I was hurt , bruised , probably had a bloody nose , and my hands hurt from fighting back . It happened quick and it was over , and I was left alone to get on my bike and ride home . Man , I hope Dad wasn 't home . But he was . From a block away as I rode up , I could see him out by the car doing some kind of Dad thing . Shit , what was my story ? A fight ? I didn 't want to get in trouble for fighting , even though nothing ever led me to believe that I would be , except that it should be the natural order of things . I fell of my bike . That 's it . Dad didn 't buy the falling off the bike story . He also knew that I wasn 't crying a few seconds ago . He was able to put it together that I had been in a fight . I wasn 't in trouble , but I would be if I kept crying . Go get cleaned up . I had a wide variety of friends and friends of friends that I hung out with , and also friends that were not part of my regular group of friends . One of those was Mark Walker . He was a small , perpetually swarthy looking kid with thin lips , greasy hair , and a wild look in his eyes . I don 't know how it happened , but one day during the summer we were in the back grassy lot of the Lutheran school that was about a hundred feet from our house . The whole gang was there - a lot of people that I knew and some that I didn 't . Mark and his older brother came around . There was some interaction , some tension , some drama - It took us a while to get started . I didn 't really want to , and he didn 't want to get within my reach because I was bigger than him . Eventually we started to brawl , and we fell into an odd pattern : He would rush me , throw a bunch of wild punches that landed about 17 % of the time , and then I would take one swing , right as his head , and knock him back , knock him down . So we were there , Detroit and I . We talked to some family - actually talked to my cousin Skinny for some time , something I never really did . He and his brother and my brother are the oldest ones of our generation , so they remember the 70s more vividly than I do . At one point he started to tell a story , but then said , " You know , you really need to hear Uncle Joe tell it . He was there . " I told you that for me as a young child , it was more than a golden age : I was spoiled . For one or two summers we even had a nanny , in the form of my mom 's Great - Aunt Ermal . Yes , Ermal . As children , my sister and I even had ponies . Oh yeah . I knew that we had them - I remember that . What I never knew was the story of how we got them . Several of us sat around a table and gave Uncle Joe our full attention as he recounted the tale . Since he told me , and now I 'm telling you , a third party , I decided to go with 3rd person . I don 't remember all of what he said or how he said it , and some of the dialog is fictional , but the events - It was a regular day in the late summer of 1973 . The small , ramshackle farm was quiet . Three cows in the pasture stared at each other and chewed . A few chickens milled around the barn door , and a dog lay on its side sleeping on the porch . There was no sign of people . " Yeah ! Hell , yeah ! I recognize the place now , " Bud said , as he walked towards the barn door , stumbling once . The door was wide open , and sunlight lit the interior well enough . " Yup ! " he yelled out . " They 're here . " Bud looked around . I don 't see the old farmer . His truck his gone . " Jim - Andy smacked Joe on the shoulder as he walked by . " Shit no , Joe . We got this . I worked on a ranch ' afore . Bud , turn the truck around an ' back up to the barn . Let 's get us some ponies ! Yee - haa ! " The other three let out their best cowboy yelps . Bud hopped in the truck and turned it around , knocking over a large errant milk jug . Chickens squawked to get out of the way . " Alright . " He rubbed his hands together and walked into the barn . They heard whinnying , and then cussing . Then a crash as Jewel 's body came partially through the wall of the barn . The three stood their ground and watched patiently , handing the last of the bottle around while Jewel got himself out of the wall . He walked out and snatched the bottle from his brother 's lips . " Your turn , asshole . " A minute later , Jim Andy was pulling himself out of the hole in the wall . It was easier , because the hole was getting bigger . Joe just looked at him . " Rope ? " Jim Andy 's eyes lit up . " Shit yeah ! Why didn ' I think of it before ? I used to do this all th ' time . I need rope . I need to make a saddle . Or a bridle . Or whatever you call it . The thing . " He motioned inexplicably with his hands . When the boys had left on this adventure , they weren 't as drunk , and had planned ahead . There was rope in the back of the truck . Jim Andy was trying to tie the rope into something useful , but his hands kept getting in the way . Joe said , " I didn 't know you were a Boy Scout , Jimmy . " They were interrupted by the familiar whinnying , but instead of a crash they heard a rhythmic thumping sound . Bud and the pony came out of the barn . Bud had the pony in a headlock . " I got him ! I got him ! " The pony 's eyes bulged , and it let out a shriek and brayed up on its hind legs . Jim Andy flew into Jewel before spiraling to the ground . Bud still had a lock around the animal 's neck and hung on while the he was bounced around . The loose end of the rope whipped around and smacked him , then got under his leg and tripped him . Bud let go and went down . " Pony ! Wait , what ? " Jim Andy looked at the rope in his hand , and followed it with his eyes to the pony 's neck , where it was tightly wrapped . The animal had a look of wide - eyed terror . In a desperate attempt to save itself , it followed and jumped onto the truck . The front wheels bounced off the ground slightly , and the momentum caused the pony to seem to lunge at Jim Andy . Joe would later describe Jim Andy as " screaming like a little bitch . " Bud jumped up onto the truck and - using the only tool he had in his personal toolbox - punched the pony . The animal collapsed into unconsciousness , and slid backward . Its hindquarters and legs were off the truck . Jewel went to the cab of the truck and quickly found an old , rusty , jagged knife . He handed it up to his brother . " Here , cut the rope ! " After twenty minutes of pushing , they got the unconscious animal all the way into the bed . A new rope , with a little slack in it , was around its neck . The other end was tied to the top post of the side rail . Slowly it started to stir . " Well , " said Bud , sitting on the tailgate to catch his breath , " that 's one . " That was the signal for the pony to stand up . He started to buck and bray , but he couldn 't go anywhere . He raised up high on his back legs , and planted his front hooves into the roof of the cab , making two perfect hoof - shaped dents . Bud said , " Son of a bitch ! I ' ma kill that horse ! " Just then , a beat - up old 58 Ford pickup rolled up . The old farmer nodded to them , then got out . Without saying a word , he walked over . He noticed the pony , of course , in the back of the truck having a fit . He saw the four men , tired , dirty , and sweaty , and smelling faintly equine . He saw the used rope on the ground , roughly cut and unraveling , and the rusty knife near it . His eyes strayed upward , and he saw the hole in the barn that was not quite big enough to put a man through . He spit some tobacco out . In a gentle voice , he said , " You know , them ponies never been anywhere . Never been in a trailer or nothing . Thems was foaled here ; this here barn is all they know . " He hopped up onto the bed and went to the pony , and spoke some soothing words into its ear . It quieted down . The four men watched silently as he did this , then watched as he got down and walked into the barn , and moments later led the other pony out . He had the men help him get his block and tackle and rig it to the back of his Massey Ferguson , which he had pulled in front of the truck . The long rope was fed from the back of the tractor , over the truck , and into the barn to the pony . The farmer had a bridle and put it on the animal . Then he tied the rope to it . " Now , just guide the pony in the right direction . We 'll get him on the truck . " Joe and Bud looked at each other . Maybe they were drunk , but this old man was crazy . However , the plan worked . The tractor pulled forward slowly , and the slack tightened up . The pony had no choice but to go where he was led . Jim Andy and Bud helped the kicking animal get his legs up - he was on his knees - and the tractor drug the pony up . Once up on the bed , the animal stood up . The men looked on in amazement that it worked , and Bud thanked him . They finished securing the railing , the rigging , and the truck . They now only had one usable piece of rope , so Bud had one end around one pony 's neck , then wrapped it around the top rail , then put it around the other pony 's neck . " That should do it . " And it did , for most of the hour - long drive through unknown country roads . Once they got to the highway , however , one of the ponies started to panic . Quickly they pulled over , but by then , one of them had broken the rope . They didn 't have anymore rope , either . Bud had an idea sprung from desperation . It was going to be dark soon , and they were nowhere near home - at least it seemed that way . He salvaged what was usable from the rope and tied the horses - - ponies . He tied the ponies * together * . They were now one Siamese pony , joined at the neck , and tied to the rail . Whether by fear or fatigue , there were no more incidents . The ponies and the people made it back to Bud 's house . It was almost dark when they arrived at Bud 's . His kids were excited - the ponies were for them . Jim Andy and Jewel were quiet and subdued . Joe had a headache . Bud backed the truck up sideways in the street , and ran it to the tall ditch , making a natural ramp to egress the ponies . The neighbor , Mac , had horses - real horses - and was going to board the ponies until Bud could fence an area for them . Mac came over with leads , and after the appropriate amount of gushing by the kids , he took them to his pasture . Little Bryan was eight years old , and he had watched the unloading with interest . He saw how his dad had smartly used the terrain to make a ramp . " What took so long , Dad ? We 've been waiting * forever * . How long does it take to get a pony ? " I grew up in the country , in a small town . However , for reasons I 'm not entirely clear on ( because I was ten ) we moved to town for a few years . Collinsville is a larger town in Illinois than where I grew up , and closer to St Louis . A suburb on the Metro - East side , if you will . Aside from everything being bigger , and there were more people , one of the big differences for me was school . In the country I rode the bus . In Collinsville , I walked to and fro . ( Uphill . Both ways . In the snow . For miles . ) Actually , on a nostalgic return visit , I realized that it wasn 't as far as I remembered - but I was littler then . The distance was about half a mile . One time , in the winter , my older brother was visiting us . He was recently returned from the Navy , and he was a MAN . He was a stranger , as far as I knew - he was eight years older and we didn 't have much in common . During this visit in the winter , he was up early with dad in the kitchen . I got up for school , and the weather was bad . It was icy outside . Cold and rain and turned into freezing rain , and every surface was slick . There was no indication on TV - I checked all four channels . Dad was ready to let me stay , but my brother - being the big , dumb ol ' bully that he was - made me go . I bundled up and made the walk . It was slippery , and I had to plan every step . It was cold and a little rain was still coming down . I finally get to school … And no one was there . I was angry . The doors were open , and I walked all over , looking for answers . I made it to the junction between the old school ( my elementary school ) and the new part , which was the junior high . There was the office , and I trudged in to find a lone secretary sitting there . " Oh , no , sweetie . School 's been called off because of the ice storm . You can go home . " She turned back to what she was doing . It never occurred to me to question what she was doing there . This was about me . And the ice . And my brother . And him making me walk in it . I stormed home . I started to storm home , but I fell , on the ice , several times . I was heartbroken , angry , and feeling unloved and sorry for myself . The last fall was near the graveyard , right behind the school . I pulled myself up and sat on a tombstone to collect myself and cry a little . It was cold on my butt . The sky was grey and everything glistened with ice . There was no one around . Why didn 't I notice this on the way to school ? Why didn 't I see that there were no other kids walking ? Finally finished with my fit , I got up and wiped my nose and face on my damp coat sleeve and walked home . I planned what I was going to say , knowing I would get an apology and receive retribution . I came in and slammed the door . " CARL ! " I yelled at him . " There 's no school today ! I didn 't have to go out in the weather ! " But actually what I meant to write about was something else . I walked to school , and most of the kids did . Some road a bus , but they must have lived very far away . The walkers would come to school from all directions , and leave that way as well . And so we had crossing guards . The crossing guards were actually students . The older ones - fifth and sixth graders . In the fourth grade I saw the power they wielded and the prestige that came with that calling . Plus , at the end of the year there was an awards ceremony in the auditorium , where kids got all kinds of awards and recognition . Most of it was for athletics , and I knew I wasn 't going to see any of that . There were other things as well , though , like recognition for academics ( ha ! ) and art ( double ha ! ) and even attendance . I don 't have a chance at any of this . But they also gave out little trophies for the kids that did crossing guard duty . That was an activity that I felt was in my wheelhouse . You stand there , you stop the little kids from going into the street until you say . After carefully examining the road way and making a judgment based on all of your knowledge and experience , you let them cross . I 'm in . The following year was my fifth grade year , so I could finally join the service . The school probably put out a notice or a reminder for people that would be interested . I talked to the teacher that sponsored the effort , Mr Dresch . He was one of the sixth grade teachers . I had to come to a meeting of their little cabal during my free time in fifth period . There was more to it than I might have imagined . I know I went through some type of training , and received my crossing guard belt - sash combo ( whatever that is called ) and my badge . I know , right ? I had a badge . I had power . I had authority . I had rank , too - and I was the lowest . Along with the other fifth graders that were new to the company , we were " patrolman . " The sixth graders that had done it the previous year were promoted . There was a Captain , a Lieutenant , and two Sergeants . Then us four patrolmen , the grunts . It even had our rank on our shiny badges , so everyone knew . We needed eight in our squad because we had eight intersections to man . The Captain made the rotation schedule . In the back of his Dukes of Hazard notebook he had the official schedule . We rotated to different spots during the week . I didn 't realize we got certain luxuries with this duty . We got to leave a few minutes early at the end of the day to get to our posts . We were even allowed to be a few minutes late after the bell in the morning , because we were there in the morning as well . Of course , it wasn 't all Skittles and rainbows . It might have been the standing in the rain , or it might have been ending up with the crappy post too often ( the stoplight , or " SL " in the Captain 's book , was the furthest post from the school , and communication was sparse . How did you know when time was up and you could leave ? ) but during the fifth grade year , I quit the safety patrol . I guess I made it about half the year . I was surprised and a little hurt that at the end of the school year , I didn 't get recognized for my valiant yet halfhearted effort . I received no trophy . It really stung me . The next year , I joined again . I received no promotion , because I hadn 't finished the previous year - I hadn 't put in my time . Geez , I figured I should have at least made corporal . But I sucked it up , and I was the only patrolman that was a seasoned sixth - grader . I stuck it out this time , and learned some kind of valuable life lesson that escapes me at the moment . But the important thing was , at the end of the school year , at the big presentation ceremony in the auditorium , I FINALLY got to walk up and get my trophy . It was the proudest moment of my entire 12 years at that point . It appears quite often in my dreams . It 's a part of who I am , and how I was made . I don 't get the occasion to drive by it very often … which is good . It 's different now . Someone else owns it . It 's belonged to someone else longer - I have to admit - than it ever was mine . Still , I drive by and see it , and I feel like I 've been betrayed by a lover . It was mine , dammit ! It … it was mine … All in the space of three seconds that it took me to drive by my childhood home , I had those thoughts , while taking in the details . The barn is gone now . It was a shiny kit barn that my dad had built , and I remember I helped , as a preteen . Maybe that explains why it didn 't make it through the years . It started to lean , then lean more , like a horse on its reins , leaning away from its owner and trying to break free , and follow the wind . Curiously , the pony shed still stands . A mere six foot on each side forming a cube , with posts as a frame and rusted tin sheet metal covering it . It peeked from the tall weeds to tell me it was still there , and it remembers . The garage is gone , replaced by another . The ghost of the old one is still there , and I can see its image shimmering in the light and shadow of the new one . Ha - " new one . " This one has been here for twenty years or more now . But the old one was there longer , and maintains a lasting legacy in the collective memory of the land . It was a simple structure , with a regular garage door in the front and a people door on the side . For a long while it housed Dad 's antique car , until the collector in him forced it out to make room for excessive miscellany . The car moved first to the side of the garage , then to the barn . When we first moved there , the outhouse still stood . I was young , and don 't remember its random disappearance into the ether . Eventually , Dad put up a large pole , and we had a streetlight in our yard . Directly behind the house was the wash house . I don 't know what its original purpose was , or why it was called that . I remember it was filled with all random collectible stuff . One summer my friends and I " cleaned it up " - and tossed most of the stuff into the garage . Not in any order , not stacked neatly , and not taking care of fragile items . Children are one of the single most destructive forces in the universe . But it was cleaned out , and now we had a club house . Even my parents could use it now as well , and saw how it had a purpose . We had two deep freezers in it , to store random sides of beef and also the catch from my brother 's hunting and fishing expeditions . There was also a wood - burning stove , and a chimney . In the winter , it was a cozy , rustic place to be . The wash house was directly behind the main house , and there was only three feet between them . There had been more , but Dad had added a room on to the house . A room and a back porch . Why is this so familiar to me still ? I can feel myself walking through their bedroom to the back door , and going onto the porch . Just beyond the porch was the cistern . We had a cistern and well , and so I know the difference . The well was full of … well … well - water . Water from under the ground . The cistern collected run - off from the gutters and downspouts in a complex and ultimately unreliable system . We used the water from the cistern to feed the animals : the ponies , when we had them , and generally a variety of dogs . The well was not deep , but deeper than the cistern . Both were four or five feet in diameter and brick - lined , going down into the abyss of the earth - perhaps twenty feet . Water from the well was pumped into the house into the basement , and thence to our water system . We had a twenty - gallon tank , I reckon , and when we used down to a certain level , it would automatically pump . This was in the basement , and the basement was small . It was about one - fourth the size of the house . Dad cleaned it up really well and there was nothing down there but the furnace and the water pump , and his wine that he made . He wanted me to play down there . Ha ! Not on your life ! It was clean , and fairly well lit , but the light would shimmer in time with activity from the floor above . And it smelled like dirt . Fresh dirt . Like a grave . It smelled that way because the brick walls of the basement had openings that went under the rest of the house . It was essentially a crawlspace … into the deepest , darkest , scariest part of a 150 year old house . No , I did not want to take the rickety , creaky , narrow and steep steps that were almost a ladder down to the basement to play . The house was old , and you could tell from the layout . On the main floor were three big rooms and a bathroom , and the stairs going up . Seventeen steps to go up - the ceilings on the main floor were ten or eleven feet high . When we first moved in , Mom and Dad had the upstairs , and my sister as an infant slept up there . Carl and I shared a room in the downstairs . Then the remodel came . We actually moved out - moved to a town closer to the city - while work was being done . Dad hired a local handyman to do much of it . But he built the room addition himself . I think that came first . That became their bedroom . It was off the back of the house , from the kitchen , and looked completely out of place on this majestic brick building . The room that had been mine and my brother 's became the bathroom and laundry room . Where the bathroom had been became a hallway - which I imagine was it 's original purpose . By this time my brother had moved out , and the upstairs was mine and my sister 's … Except I don 't believe she ever slept up there . It was one big room , with the stairs on one end , and window , and a window on the other . Eventually he did build a wall with a doorway , but I never got a door . Unfinished projects are the story of my life . As in a typical story and a half house , the walls were slanted . On the side they went up about three and half feet , then turned inward at a sharp 45 degree angle , and then flattened out in the middle for about four feet of ceiling space , not much more than seven feet . On either side of the room were the doors - those dreaded doors - that led to the attic crawl space and have contributed to most of the nightmares I 've experienced in my life . I always kept heavy furniture of some kind against them . Always . The walls were a slatted wood covering , and until we moved in had never been painted . The original wood , from a hundred and fifty years ago , with square - cut nails in it . And the wood was so hard - cured , I suppose - that we could barely drive a nail in it . I surely could not put a tack in it , to put posters up . I had to use tape . Lots of tape . The window by the stairs held the air conditioner . I usually set a fan on a chair to blow it into my room . The window in my room overlooked the driveway and the well and the big pecan tree . It must have been at least a hundred years old . Maybe older , with all it had experienced . Often , my friends and I would open the window and shoot at birds and squirrels in that tree with my pellet gun . Early on , Dad had made a tire swing and hung it there . It was a fixture for 20 years , long after we stopped swinging on it . That window was above the side door to the house , and the only one we used . There was a front door . No one used the front door . In the typical German style of that era , the front door was tall * and * there was a transom . It matched the front windows of the house , also very tall . The house was very solid . Brick , through and through . The walls on the main floor were a little over a foot thick - three or four layers of brick . I do recall staying upstairs in my room during a tornado . That house is not coming down . And as it was solid , and my parents ' room was an addition , I could actually play my stereo pretty loud before they would even hear it in their room . As an older teen , I could more or less come and go as I wanted , and they rarely knew . It was a comfortable , cozy home . With the kitchen remodeled with the latest style and technology from the 1970s , we had the perfect eclectic mix of modern and antique . And so it is , and so it was . We moved out in 1984 . I don 't know if it was because I had flunked out of college - I 'm sure it played a part . Mom and Dad might have been on the verge of a divorce . If we wanted to stay , she would move back to the city . I remember her asking if I had to live here or could I live in town . We moved . We moved to town . Moved to the suburbs . First we moved to a big townhouse while they looked for houses , then they bought a house , and we moved there . And that 's the house I have now . But a part of me has never left my house in the country . I never felt a closer connection to the earth than I did there . And that 's an odd thing to feel and I don 't know why I feel it . But the ground was near to me . The dirt was alive and made itself known to me there . And my spirit , when I sleep , travels back there . It 's not about my childhood , not always . Just my connection to the gestalt that formed the maps in my mind . How I think , how I act and react , how I feel …

Caution : This Sex Story contains strong sexual content , including Ma / Fa , Consensual , Romantic , Heterosexual , Safe Sex , Slow , Desc : Sex Story : Chapter 1 - The angry young man grows up to be the angry middle - aged man . Now he 's stuck in a dead - end job , married to a woman that detests him , and children that don 't even know him . A close encounter with death makes him realize that he deserves more than what life has dealt him . Can he get it ? The rage boiled up to the surface as Jerry leaned across his desk and hit the surface of it with his right fist . He yelled , " What do you mean we are out of anti - freeze ? We 're a car parts place and shouldn 't ever be out of anti - freeze ! " Mike looked over at his boss , terrified at the sight presented to him . Jerry was a huge man , but there was no way that anyone could call him fat . Not a weight lifter or athlete , Jerry had been cursed with a large build that had filled in with muscle . His upper body looked more like that of a gorilla than that of a human . When he was angry , his face turned dark and the vein in his forehead throbbed . His gravelly voice , loud under normal circumstances , reached volumes during an angry outburst that hurt ears . Jerry being angry wasn 't a rare occasion , he was angry more often than not . " This is bullshit . I quit ! " Mike stormed out of the office , angry and afraid , wanting to put as much distance as he could between him and Jerry as quickly as possible . He knew that he would probably die if Jerry were to hit him . He didn 't trust Jerry not to hit him , particularly when he was this angry . Jerry sat down on his chair and snarled at the door . His rage felt that the coward wasn 't worth the effort to chase him down . When the telephone rang , he picked it up and , irritated at the interruption , answered , " What ? " Mr . Sinclair , his boss , was taken aback by the less than friendly greeting . He said , " Jerry , this is Al . I hate to say this , but you didn 't get the promotion . " " That 's bullshit . There isn 't another manager that 's been here as long as I have , " argued Jerry . This day was going from bad to worse . There was no way that he was going to be able to explain to that harpy of a wife that he didn 't get the promotion . Blood boiling , Jerry slammed down the receiver and sat at his desk staring at the door . He felt like breaking it into a thousand little pieces and knew that he could do it . Once in high school , a kid had been picking on him by calling him the Hulk and he had retaliated by chasing the kid through the school . The kid had ducked into a classroom and locked the door terrified that he was going to get killed . The principal had stopped him after he had beaten down the door into the classroom by battering it with his bare fists . The memory left a sour taste in his mouth and reminded him that he needed to control his temper . Sammy , the kid that worked in the store after school knocked on the door and slowly opened it . Looking around the door , he said , " Mr . Smith , Mike just left . I 'm all alone here and there are customers waiting . " " God damn . What are you doing talking to me ? Go out there and take care of them , " shouted Jerry at the closed door as Sammy had already left . He sat there in his chair for a minute and then swore , " Damn kid . Doesn 't know his ass from a hole in the ground . I better get out there and salvage the situation . " Jerry went through the customers quickly , taking their orders and filling them with ease . The line of customers dwindled and then disappeared as closing time approached and passed . Sammy didn 't stick around after the store closed because a nasty summer storm was brewing on the horizon and he had to pedal home on his bicycle . Jerry closed up the store wondering who was going to work the counter tomorrow . Mike 's quitting made him three people short and he hadn 't had anyone come in the store looking for a job in four months . Swearing , he went through the store checking the inventory to determine if he needed to order anything . It took him an extra hour to write down the things that he needed to order immediately . He would have to call in the order in the morning , but at least he could do it first thing and they could ship it out that day . It was thundering by the time that he left the store . Black clouds hung low to the ground , swirling in anger . Turbulent winds created a menacing atmosphere of impending doom . Jerry looked up at the sky , growling at it as though he dared it to rain on him . He muttered , " With my luck it 'll probably hail . " After getting into his car , he sat in the seat trying to fight down the rage enough to make the trip home . He hated the drive through the bumper to bumper traffic of rush hour . Eight of the twelve miles home were on a highway that was too small for the traffic it carried and had been since the day it was built . He didn 't want to live in the neighborhood where his house was located , but his wife had insisted because it was a better neighborhood . Better than what , he didn 't know and didn 't care . The bitch had gotten her way ; it wasn 't the first or last time that had happened . What he wanted didn 't matter . He started home , but less than a mile from the store the traffic came to a complete halt . The sky continued to threaten rain , but that wasn 't the problem . Two cars had a minor fender bender and that had backed up traffic even more than usual . Jerry laid on his horn , giving vent to his anger even though he knew that it wouldn 't change the situation . The man in the car next to his gave him the finger . Jerry almost climbed out of his car to let the man know what he thought of getting the finger . Instead , he just honked his horn even more . Twenty minutes later , he edged around a disabled car even as one of the tow trucks hauled away one of the cars . The rain had not started , but the clouds grew ever darker as the sound of thunder seemed to shake the car . He couldn 't see any lightning bolts , but the clouds occasionally lit up . The towed car hit a pothole and the back end bounced off the road . The fender , hanging loose after the accident , fell off the car and skittered down the road . Jerry slammed on his brakes trying to avoid the bumper , but he had been crowding the towed car and it just wasn 't possible to avoid it . There was a horrible clang as car and bumper made contact . Swearing , Jerry managed to pull the car off the highway before it started smoking . Once there , the engine turned over for the last time . Furious , Jerry threw the door of the car open and walked around to the front of the car . The bumper hung out from under his car . Getting down on his hands and knees , he saw that the bumper had gone through the oil pan . The rage within him , always held back by the thinnest of threads , burst free . He pulled the bumper out from under the car and bent it in half before throwing it onto the hood of his car . Calming down a little , he swore , " The engine is totally shot . " A lightning bolt hit a light post less than ten feet away and the thunder knocked him to the ground . At that moment , the clouds tried to establish a record on how fast they could dump water on the ground below . Jerry was soaked to the bone by the time he picked himself off the ground and made it back into his car . Leaning forward , he rested his head on the steering wheel . Seated there , he could feel the rage seething within him . Oh how he hated the rage . It was his constant companion ; always fighting to burst forth and wreck havoc on his life . He fought to keep it down , but knew that it was about to escape . Perhaps this time he would only damage his car . His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden knock on the window . Looking up , he saw an elderly man struggling to hold an umbrella against the gusts of wind . The poor old guy looked completely overwhelmed by the weather . Jerry lowered the window and heard the man shout , " You want a ride out of this weather ? " Rolling up the window , he followed the old man to his car and got in the passenger side . The old man took his time getting his seatbelt fastened and getting situated in his seat . With a friendly glance at Jerry , he said , " There 's a nice little coffee shop at the next exit . How about I buy you a cup of coffee ? You look like you could use a little break . " The man pulled out into traffic driving slow in consideration of the rain . At the next exit , he pulled off the highway and at the end of the exit drove into the parking lot of a small waffle house . The two men went inside and seated themselves at a table . Jerry was soaked and the water dripping from his clothes had made the seat wet as well . After the appropriate exchange with the waitress , she brought over a carafe of coffee before going over to wait on other customers . The old man poured two cups and slid one across the table for Jerry . After taking a sip of the hot coffee , Jerry slowly relaxed and said , " Thanks , I needed this . I was about to tear that car apart with my bare hands . " The old man 's body didn 't give any hint as to how he might have looked when he was younger . With a little weight and a younger man 's muscles , he could have been a very physical guy . The old man smiled and replied , " I used to be like you . All full of rage just waiting to bust loose . One day , I lost my temper and spent the next twenty years in the pen . " " Right , " replied the old man in a voice that conveyed total disbelief . It was the same tone of voice one would use with a drunk swearing he wouldn 't drink anymore . He took another sip of his coffee , pulled three dollars out of his pocket , and , as he stood , said , " I 'm going to go on my way now . You can call a cab and get a ride home from here . " Ready to argue with the old man , Jerry bit back his retort as the old man turned and left the waffle shop . He swore , " Son of a bitch . Tell me something like that and then leave . The fucker tells me I 'm going to spend time in the jail and won 't stay to hear why he 's wrong . " After fuming for five minutes , he went to the pay phone and called a cab . When he was told that it was going to be a half an hour before a cab could show up , he growled at the dispatcher that they should get more drivers . He stomped back to the table and drank another cup of coffee waiting for the cab . Angry at the car for being wrecked , he decided that he 'd just leave it where it was until tomorrow . If he were lucky , they 'd tow it away and he 'd never have to bother with it again . He looked at his watch and realized that he 'd be home two hours late . His wife was going to throw a fit . Tense , he went back to the pay phone and called his wife . She didn 't answer and he went back to the table even angrier . He thought , ' Damn bitch probably got tired of waiting for me and took the kids to dinner . I 'll catch hell tonight . ' He had finished the carafe of coffee and gone to the bathroom twice by the time the taxi showed up . The driver , a Pakistani , didn 't understand English and it took Jerry five minutes to get across where he wanted to go . He was close to losing his temper , but managed to keep it in check . Twenty dollars later , he got out of the cab in front of his house and went in to face the family . " I expect you 'll want to use my car for the next few days . Shit , what am I supposed to do trapped in the house all day long while you 're at work ? I have tennis lessons tomorrow . " Livid , her face a pale white , she screamed , " You fucking loser ! I could have married half a dozen guys that are more successful than you are . How dare you blow it ! I 'm not going to be able to show my face in public again . Everyone will say , there goes that woman married to the loser . " As his face darkened and the vein on his forehead throbbed , his fist clenched . He bit his tongue to keep himself from losing it completely . He could taste blood in his mouth , but ignored it in his anger . Barely able to control himself , he asked , " What 's for supper ? " " We waited for you get home . When you didn 't come home , we went out to eat , " she spat the words back at him . With a sneer , she added , " Take care of dinner yourself . If you can 't be successful , then don 't expect me to work myself to the bone for your benefit . " A vision of his fist flattening her face flashed through his mind . For a second , everything went black , but he fought his rage . Gaining control , he realized that he had taken three steps towards her without knowing it . He went to the closet and removed his raincoat and after slipping it on headed out of the house . As he slammed the door behind him , he heard his wife shout , " You need to talk to Billy . He got into a fight at . . . " Four blocks away was a shopping center with a Chinese Restaurant and he made that his destination . Trudging through the rain as lightning lit the way and thunder threatened to break his eardrums , he didn 't pay any attention to his surroundings . It came as a complete surprise when he found himself in the shopping center walking past the restaurant . Entering the restaurant , he selected a booth and sat in the middle of the seat where he would have plenty of room for his broad shoulders . Resting his elbows on the table , he looked at his meaty hands . Most men 's hands disappeared inside his when they shook hands with him . He hated his hands , feeling like they were representative of his over - large stature that made him a freak . He couldn 't even count the number of names he had been called in his life . Apeman , Hulk , Gorilla , Monster Man , and Iron Man were just a few of the nicknames he 'd heard . " Okay , " replied the woman as she ran off to put in the order . She was terrified of this man and always dreaded his visits to the restaurant . He was so big and gruff that she felt like he could squash her like a bug and never even notice . She had seen him angry once and the sight was forever etched in her memory . Jerry stared at his hands , opening and closing them with slow controlled movements . The walk from the house in the rain had eased his rage to where it was well under control . His thoughts were interrupted when the waitress showed up with a bowl of won ton soup . He grabbed the soupspoon in his massive hands . It looked small in his hands as though a child should be using it . After taking a taste of the soup , he started talking to himself . " I 'm miserable bastard . Where in the hell does this rage come from ? Why can 't I be happy like everyone else ? " He took another sip of his soup and continued his dialog with himself . His deep voice rumbled across the room . " I know why . I 'm too fucking big . People look at me like I 'm some kind of freak . " A family of four , seated at table near his , picked up their plates and moved to a table further away from him . Self - involved with his dialog , he didn 't notice . He muttered , " No . I treat people like shit . Always on the verge of hitting them . Let 's face it , I 'm not a very nice person . " The waitress , moving carefully , removed the empty bowl and set his dinner on the table . Without consciously noticing the change , he started to eat his meal using his spoon to shovel it into his mouth . " The old guy was right . If I don 't do something soon , I 'm liable to kill someone and get life in jail . " Still using his soupspoon , he shoveled a mouthful of fried rice into his mouth . The dry texture made him realize that he had finished his soup . He changed to the fork and watched as it disappeared in his hands . " So what am I supposed to do about it ? Fuck if I know . " " I 'd like to be a better person , but this damned rage of mine just won 't let go of me . How can you be a nice person if everyone around you pisses you off ? " His fist clenched and bent the handle of the fork . It was a simple matter to bend it back . " Shit , I should become one of those goody - two - shoes that goes around helping everyone . I 've never tried that before . " He laughed at the image of him helping little old ladies across the street by throwing a half dozen of them over his shoulders and getting cats out of a tree by ripping the tree out of the ground . That was replaced by the image of someone thanking him for his help . The laugher slowly died on his lips as a sobering thought came to mind . When was the last time that anyone had said anything nice to him ? He couldn 't remember there ever being an instance of that in his life . After a little time , he looked at his plate realizing that he had eaten the entire meal . He had even eaten the fortune cookie , paper and all . " I must be going crazy . The fucking headlines will read , Police Put Down Mad Gorilla On Rampage . " He picked up the bill and looked at the total . Pulling a ten out of his wallet , he left it on the table and headed out of the restaurant . Outside , he looked at the rain and wondered what he should do next . He didn 't have a car . His wife had probably locked him out of the house and his keys were still in the car that he had abandoned on the highway . Still talking to himself , he said , " There 's that used car lot six blocks from here . The cars they sell are shit , but usually last at least a month . " Heading to the used car lot , he walked on the sidewalk thinking about his situation . About a block from the used car lot , he stopped and looked up at the sky . Making a fist and shaking it at the sky , he shouted , " One day , someone is going to say something nice about me ! " At the car lot , the salesman didn 't want to go out in the rain to help Jerry , but his greed overcame his reluctance . He ran out to the car that Jerry was examining . The tires were worn and the shocks were shot , but the paint was perfect . Drawn on the windshield in white shoe polish was the price , five hundred dollars . It was worth two hundred dollars at most . This was the bait car to get people in to shop . The idea was to bait people with a good looking piece of trash at a low price and then get them to buy one of the other cars that didn 't look as nice , but ran better at twice the price . The salesman fumbled through his key ring and found the key . He slipped into the car and started it up . A blue cloud of smoke billowed out from the back as the entire car rumbled . The muffler had a hole and the rings were shot . It would need a lot of work before it would be safe . Mentally , Jerry lowered the value of the car to an even hundred . The salesmen went over to the other car and started it . It started right up , but a light blue cloud came out the rear . Jerry pressed down on the car and saw that the shocks were bad , but the tires would last for another five thousand miles . After a little negotiation , Jerry took the car out for a quick test drive . The brake shoes were bad , but they could be replaced fairly easily . " Are you crazy ? That car is worth a thousand dollars , " replied the salesman . He had a big fish and wasn 't going to let it go . He thought that this big dumb oaf would finance the car and it would be repossessed within two months . He 'd already sold this particular car three times and made twice what he bought it for in the process . He looked around the lot and , in the light of a flash of lightning , spotted a pick up truck parked in the back under a tree . He wandered over to it and saw that it was at least thirty years old . The tires were flat , the body was dented from hard use , and the bed appeared to be rusted out . Calling the salesman over , he watched as the man tried to start the truck . The half - dead battery had very little power , but the engine turned over a couple of times . The salesman frowned and said , " I haven 't started it in a year . Let me get something to help it start . " Jerry watched the man run off . While the salesman was gone , he examined the truck with a critical eye . The mechanical parts of the truck looked to be in pretty good shape , but the body was a total disaster . The salesman returned and popped the hood . After spraying some insta - start in the carburetor and connecting the jumper battery , he returned to the cab and cranked the engine . After a couple of turns , the engine started right up . Jerry looked at the gauges and saw that the battery was charging . The muffler needed to be replaced , but the engine didn 't sound that bad . Considering that the truck had been in the lot for three years and this was the first time anyone expressed interest in it , the salesman wasn 't about to argue . It took an hour to fill out all the required paperwork and after using his credit card , Jerry was the new owner of a broken down old truck . After filling the tires with air , Jerry drove it off the lot and headed towards his store . The brakes were a spongy and required some work , but the truck ran smoothly considering how long it had been sitting there . On the way to his store , he passed by his wrecked car . It was still parked where he had left it . He got off the highway and returned to the car in order to pick up his keys that he had left in the ignition . Looking over it , he decided that he would get it fixed after he fixed the truck . Between the Camaro and the truck , he preferred the truck . Even though the Camaro was over twenty - five years old , he knew it would be worth a fortune if he fixed it up . Jerry groaned as he woke from his night 's sleep on the couch in the back of the store . He had found the couch years ago , set out on the curb as trash by the previous owner . He had brought it to the store with the intention of having a place for his employees to sit when on their breaks . It turned out to be a fortuitous find ; he had slept on it on more than one occasion . He suspected that the couch would be his bed for the next few weeks . Sitting up , he considered the events of the evening before . That lightning had really come close to hitting him . In what was becoming a habit of talking aloud to himself , he said , " She didn 't care that I might have gotten killed last night . I don 't care to go back to her . " Having made the decision to leave his wife , he felt good about himself . The rage , which was always just below the surface , eased back a little . Sitting there , he realized that this was the second decision that he had made in a long time that put him first . The first had been the truck last night . He stood up and stretched feeling the muscles loosen . Going outside , he examined his purchase of the night before . Three of the tires on the truck had lost air , but the fourth was still good . In the light of day , the truck looked even worse than it had on the lot in the dark and rain . He smiled as he looked at the truck knowing what everyone else would think about it . Big stupid Jerry had made another bonehead decision . What he had thought was rust in the back of the truck was actually a rotted wood truck bed . He couldn 't believe his luck . Patting the hood with affection , he said , " I 'm going to call you Thunder . " He checked his watch and saw that he would have to open the store in an hour . Glancing over at the donut shop , he sighed as he considered another donut breakfast with a cup of coffee . He had too many of those in his life and decided that would have to change soon . Talking to the truck , he asked , " How can you like yourself if you treat yourself like shit ? Once I get you functional , I 'm going to start eating real breakfasts . " With her normal dispatch , she grabbed two donuts and threw them into a bag . A foam cup was quickly filled with coffee from a nearly empty pot . In one smooth motion , she grabbed a plastic lid and fixed it onto the cup . Setting the bag and the cup on the counter , she said , " Two fifty . " Jerry pulled out three dollars from his pocket and slapped it on the counter . Grabbing his bag and coffee , he turned to leave the donut shop . The woman behind the counter called out , " You forgot your change . " As she slipped the coins into her pocket and turned to the next customer , he stepped outside and checked the sky . There wasn 't a single cloud in the sky . As a man headed towards the door of the donut store , Jerry said , " It 's going to be a hot one today . With all the rain last night , it 's going to be humid , too . " The man didn 't answer , but looked at him as if he were crazy . He slipped around Jerry and entered the restaurant , relaxing only when there was a closed door between him and the large man . Jerry didn 't notice and just repeated , " Yes . It 's going to be a hot humid day today . " Returning to the store , he unlocked the door and took a seat at the counter . Eating his donuts and drinking his coffee , he waited for the first customer even though it was still a half an hour before the store officially opened . As he ate and waited , he considered what he would do with the truck . The first business at hand was getting the brakes fixed and new tires put on it . He 'd also have to make arrangements to have his other car towed , but he didn 't really have a place for the car . He realized that he didn 't even have a place for himself . His thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of Mike . Mike , seeing that Jerry was seated at the counter threw the store keys to the counter keeping his distance . He said , " I brought the keys back . " Stunned , Mike looked at Jerry for a long time not knowing what to say . In the entire two years that he had worked at the store , Jerry had never apologized . Finally , he stuttered , " Oh , okay . . . " Mike flinched as Jerry shifted in his chair . Settling down in his seat , Jerry took a sip of his coffee having seen the reaction of Mike to his movements . It hurt knowing that every move that he made was seen as a threatening gesture . After swallowing his coffee , he asked , " Do you have a job ? " Jerry thought about it for a moment and then said , " Type up your resume and send it around . While you are waiting for an answer , you can work here . If you get a call , you 're free to leave for the interview . If you get a job , drop the key to the store in my hand and go . " It was a fair offer and one that Mike didn 't want to turn down . It was tough finding a job and he had bills to pay . He said , " I 'll have to talk to my wife about it . " Nodding , Jerry said , " Fair enough . You talk to her . If you can work today , I 'll give you this weekend off so that you can take your wife and kids to the lake to do some skiing in that boat of yours . " That was the best offer that Mike was going to get and he knew it . He shuffled his feet as he thought the matter through . He had sworn the previous night that he would never work for Jerry again . Finally , he said , " Let me talk to my wife . " The phone rang and Jerry picked it up . It was the brake shop from the other side of town . They needed several sets of brake pads , rotors , and a couple gallons of brake fluid . Jerry wrote down the order and then hung up the phone . He looked up at Mike surprised to see him still there and said , " Go on and talk to your wife . " Nodding , Mike went into the back of the store to make the call . While Mike was making the call , Jerry pulled the order . When he pulled the brake pads , he realized that the brake shop could repair the brakes on his truck and the tire store could replace the tires . He finished pulling the parts and put them in a bag for the runner who would arrive in fifteen minutes or so . The runner was a guy that ran a pickup service for a number of businesses in the area . The quiet in the store was broken when the runner stepped through the door setting the bells ringing . He was here to pick up the order that had been phoned in earlier . Jerry greeted him , " Hello , Howard . How many times am I going to see you today ? " Jerry watched him go and realized that he had never had a conversation with the guy . He frowned at the realization that he wasn 't a friendly person and left the counter . Going to the back door , he opened it and looked at his truck parked there . It was an absolute wreck and , for some strange reason , the more he looked at it the more he loved it . He said , " Well Thunder , after Mike gets off the phone , I 've got some calls to make . We 'll get you all fixed up . " He returned to the counter and waited for Mike to come out of his office . It was a long wait and he figured that it meant that it was a very tough decision . Surprising himself , he hoped that Mike would stay . Mike came out of the office and fidgeted a moment before he said , " I 'll stay , but I 'd like to take my wife out to lunch if that 's okay . I kind of promised her that last night . " Turning to the phone , Jerry began wheeling and dealing with the owners of auto shops around town to get the essential parts of his truck functional . It was the first time that he had engaged many of the storeowners in conversation rather than taking orders and at times he felt a little uneasy . He ended up swapping parts for labor costs coming out well ahead on the deal since he was able to buy the parts at wholesale prices . He also arranged for his other car to get towed to the back of the store . While Jerry was on the phone , Mike went to the back door and stared at the truck parked there . He couldn 't believe that Jerry was spending so much time on such a wreck . He came back into the store and said , " Mr . Smith . I 'm not sure that you got such a good deal on that truck . " " Call me Jerry . I never had a better deal in my life , " replied Jerry with a smile . For the first time in a long time , he didn 't feel the rage and it felt good .

Now , a heated murder trial plunges the town into upheaval , and drives a wedge into a contented marriage : Cameron , aiding the prosecution in their case against Jamie , is suddenly at odds with his devoted wife , Allie - - seduced by the idea of a man so in love with his wife that he 'd grant all her wishes , even her wish to end her life . And when an inexplicable attraction leads to a shocking betrayal , Allie faces the hardest questions of the heart : when does love cross the line of moral obligation ? And what does it mean to truly love another ? This book just didn 't do it for me . The characters were all over the place and god , Cameron was the worst of the lot . Maybe it was the author 's intention that the main character is to be portrayed that way but this was just plain horrible . He has a wife that is loving and working very hard to make their marriage work , he complicates it by having an affair with Mia , his wife 's helper at the shop who mysteriously shows up one day at his wife 's shop . As the characters start building the story , I found that it was hard for me to accept that Jamie ( the one who killed his wife , Maggie ) could ever be related to Cameron . Jamie is a loving husband who couldn 't bare looking at his wife suffer , so he killed her at her request . Yes , he killed her , but for me he just ended her suffering . He loved her , cherished her and absolutely adored her . To then compare him with Cameron who was totally opposite . He never appreciated his wife and cheated on her with someone she helped and he dared calling it love . Everything that Cameron does for his wife , Allie , is a part of him remembering Mia . He 's making love to his wife but in his head , it 's Mia . It is kind of disturbing to know that he appreciates Mia more that his wife , Allie . Then one day , his mom walks in him and Mia having sex , and he is the one who gets mad at his mom . One of the worst scenes to have been written . I mean , that scene could have been written better . As for Allie , she was focusing on finding out why Jamie killed Maggie . She was more interested in her husband 's relative more than Cameron ever was . The idea of a man loving his wife unconditionally and granting all her wishes was foreign to Allie , probably something she was longing for . The only thing Cameron did for Jamie was to get him an attorney . After that he was more focused on Mia . This book just didn 't do it for me . Jamie and Maggie 's story could have been more than Cameron , Allie and Mia 's . The author could have made Cameron learn from Jamie and Maggie and focused on the relationship between Allie and CameronI 'd give this book two stars mainly because the story between Jamie and Maggie was gripping . Otherwise , this was a long and dry read . . . Disappointed ! ! Wouldn 't recommend this book to anyone looking for an emotional read , this book would just end up making the reader angry . Posted by Among others , Christine Feehan is also one of my favorite authors . I remember the first book I read , it was Dark Demon , the story of Natalya and Vikirnoff . I fell in love with her writing the minute I finished that book . That was the first time I was sucked into the Carpathian World and the way of their lives . The idea of lifemate , one will not survive without the other captured my heart . Then I decided I had to read and own the whole series . I started reading the series from the beginning , and when I came back to Dark Demon , the story line made more sense and made me fall in love with her writing and books even more . Ultimately , I would love to review all of her books , but for now , the most recent book I read from the Dark Carpathian Series will have to do . Dark Lycan is book 23 from the Dark Carpathian Series and is the story of Tatijana and Fenris Dalka . One thing you need to know about this series is that the male cannot survive without the women , they are a race that survive with blood however , if they do not find their lifemates , the potential of the males becoming vampires are high . Some of the males prefer walking in the sun meaning burning themselves to death than become a vampire , well if all the males chose to do that then I do not think we would have a long running series like these . So essentially , the way they find the lifemates are kind of the same , inclusing mating rituals and so on , the only thing that differs and distinguishes each and every book is the way the males court the females and ofcourse the main storyline that the author have been building from the beginning . You can read the books as stand alones , but reading the whole series would actually make better sense and helps with the understanding of the main story . Many of the characters from other books often make cameos in the books , so if you 're planning to read this book or any book from this series , I suggest you start from the beginning , starting Dark Prince . Tatijana of the Dragonseekers spent centuries encased in ice with her sister , trapped in limbo between life and death , never speaking to a soul other than those who tormented her . Now , she has been freed from her frozen prison by an unknown descendent . Awakened in human form , Tatijana yearns to explore the modern world in which she now lives - a world with more mysteries than she is prepared for . Fenris Dalka has returned to the Carpathian Mountains after a long absence to be with his brother . He is scarred by centuries of battle , and every hard - won victory . But the real reason for his return home could prove deadly if discovered by the wrong man - or woman . Upon his arrival , he is compelled by a beautiful and enigmatic stranger who carries the scent of fresh earth , of forest , of the night itself . In time Tatijana and Fenris will discover all that unites them - their secrets and pasts , their predators , and the hot flush of passion that stirs their souls . Yet just as surely , seduced into the silvery darkness of a full - moon night , they 'll also discover everything ancient and evil that exists to destroy them . My review : - Fenris Dalka is the main / leading character or the protagonist of this book . He isn 't like any other Carpathians , he is part carpathian and part lycan ( wolf ) known as " Sange Rau " . For the first time in this series , we are introduced to Sange Rau , as all of the previous books only included mages , vampires and carpathians . Fen is a deadly mix of Carpathian and lycan . None of the carpathians have come across this , as the cross between humans and carpathians were also an issue in the previous books . So when Fen came along , the carpathians had hope of saving their dying race . In my opinion , Fenris Dalka is strong both physical and with his values . He is protective of his brothers ( one of whom 's book is a much awaited ! ) and his lifemate . He is loyal and there were situations where he had to put his life on the line many times for his new found people , the carpathians . Of course they accept him , one of the many reasons would be he is the lifemate of their oldest lineage , dragonseekers . Tatijana is the protagonist and the heroine of this book . If you have read the previous book , you would know that she was held captive in a cave most of her life with her sister . She can shape shift into a dragon by the way , how awesome is that ? ! She found Fen when she was recovering from the trauma she faced in the caves as a captive . One would think she would be the needy and had to be protected type of heroines , but nope ! She is one tough dragon , did I mention that she can shape shift into a dragon ? A fire breathing dragon to be precise . She works hand in hand with Fen and her fellow carpathians for the survival of their race . Together Fen and Tatijana create magic and love ! It was an amazing journey reading this book . To see the world through the eyes of the tortured and bruised , is truly a wonderful thing . The way Feehan captured their world was fantastic . So , where do I begin . Oh my gawd ! As always Jeaniene Frost never fails to amaze me . I 'm a big fan of her Night Huntress Series and when I knew there was a spin off , of course I had to get it and god am I glad I did . Leila 's years on the carnie circuit were certainly an education . What she didn 't learn : how to be a vampire , or how to be married to the most famous vampire of them all . Adjusting to both has Leila teetering on a knife edge between passion and peril , and now the real danger is about to begin … Vlad must battle with a centuries - old enemy whose reach stretches across continents and whose strength equals his own . It isn 't like Vlad to feel fear , but he does … for Leila , because his enemy knows she is Vlad 's greatest weakness . As friend and foe alike align against him - and his overprotectiveness drives Leila away - Vlad 's love for his new bride could be the very thing that dooms them both … So , Vlad isn 't your everyday vampire . He has his issues with his over protectiveness for people he loves . In this case , of course it 's Leila . The way he protects her was just raw , of course at some point you just feel like giving him a tight slap in the face but when you see where he is coming from , somehow that over protectiveness becomes sweet ! " You aren 't just my weakness , Leila . . . you are my destruction , because if I were to lose you , it would finish me . " We saw a glimpse of the women in Vlad 's life before Leila and turns out Leila was quite the catch for him . Read the book and you 'll know what I 'm talking about . It was a big revelation and it was kind of heart wrenching to know that Vlad never really loved until Leila . " Before the wedding , I made sure that I could perform as required , " he went on , no emotion in his tone now . It took several unsuccessful visits with whores who knew better than to repeat my difficulties before I could get through the act in its entirety . Then I married Clara and rushed through my husbandly responsibilities with as little contact as possible . I was relieved when she became pregnant because that meant I could finally stop . . . " Now , Leila on the other hand is , I would say independent , confident , sometimes questions herself but she is madly in love with Vlad . However , Vlad distances himself from her because he feels that something bad always happens to the people he loves . You can see his emotions burn when Leila gets kidnapped . This scene was quite traumatic and she handled it very well . There were issues between Leila , her Father and her sister . Her character developed through these issues with her father and the way she handled Vlad over protectiveness . Cameo Well , Cat and Bones make a cameo in this book . And as always , they never seize to help their friends who are in need ( even though Cat and Vlad don 't get along so much ) - If you have read the Night Huntress series , you 'd know what I 'm talking about . Mencheres also makes a cameo , the Egyptian vampire was the MAN ! ! Favorite Quote from the book : - " Yes . I trusted you with my life , Leila , and there is only one other person in this world of whom that statement is true . " Fantastic book with loads of romance and action . One of my top reads and it is very well written by Jeaniene Frost . This book kept me going , I couldn 't put it down . We would be expecting a new villain in the next book . Somehow , I 'm expecting this new villain ( a villain whom I shall not name ) to be more ruthless than the villain in this book ( I can 't spell his name ) haha ! Spell casting necromancer was quite an addition to the book , I must say . Both Michael and Prem turned to her with a surprised look on their face . " How can you be so sure , we don 't know if that is the ship he is in . " Michael voiced out . He knew . He knew Amar was on the ship , he just wanted to know why she was so sure , or maybe she had something to do with this ? He just couldn 't quite put his finger on it . " There , there 's a landing spot there , but can we go unnoticed ? " Prem cut them halfway . He was concerned if they will be able to get out of this alive and well . Definitely not well . " Are you crazy mate ? " Michael replied Prem . " Look around you , we 're surrounded by sea with one vessel in the middle of the Atlantic ocean . It 's either us or them ! " He continued with a burning look in his eyes . " We 're gonna die aren 't we ? " Prem asked , looking both at Michael and Catelyn . " Yes ! " Michael answered with a laugh shaking his head at Prem 's paranoia . He landed the helicopter on one of the containers but at the far end of the ship and the fog around the sea could conceal the helicopter . From afar he could see a few men rushing towards them , breaking into a run as they get closer . Michael and Prem got out of the helicopter first before letting Catelyn out . Both of them checked their firearms and got into positions , laying low around the containers . " Wait , why don 't I have one of those ? " Catelyn asked pointing at their guns . " Well , because you 're a lady , " Prem said with a hint of humor . " Really ? Really Prem ? That wasn 't funny at all . What if I 'm attacked ? What am I suppose to use for defense ? " She shot both Prem and Michael an annoyed look . " Do you even know how to use a gun ? " Michael asked . Michael and Prem exchanged looks and Michael handed over a gun , Glock 29 , 10mm auto , easier to fire . " Lesson one , point , Lesson two , shoot ! " Michael said handing over the gun to her . Catelyn looked at Michael in horror but there wasn 't any time for them to argue . so she just went with it . The three of them headed down a path between container , avoiding the men looking for them . Michael had his eye on the bridge , heading straight for the captain . The tracker that he placed on Amar was pointing to the bridge , so that 's where he is headed . " I 'm heading up to the bridge , you guys cover me . " He said turning to Catelyn and Prem . Catelyn gripped her gun as hard as she could . Her hands were trembling and she was scared to death , but she put up a brave face for the sake of the two men with her , well at least for Prem , Michael looked like he was about to kill anyone and anything that was in his way . She needed to know that Amar was safe , her heart was thundering in her chest . She wanted him safe especially if it was because of her that he was in this situation , she needed him safe . If something were to happen to him , she would not be able to forgive herself . As much as she 'd like to deny it , but she knew deep inside she was beginning to fall for the man . To go as far as this just to protect her , he was willing to give his life up just to protect her . She knew from the minute she met him , something stirred in her . The first time she saw him at the cafe , her heart flipped . But when she knew he was her client , she had to stay away , it was unethical to date your own client well at least until before all this happened . Then there was the night that he drove her home . She hadn 't had a decent conversation like in a very long time . Everyone was busy with their own lives , her life seemed to be even smaller revolving just around work . But she didn 't mind , she loves her work , being a lawyer gives her a rush , makes her feel alive , she wouldn 't know what else to do if she were to stop being a lawyer , she 'd die , but right now Catelyn would rather be alive than dead . Amar made her feel like she is the most beautiful woman in the world , with the way he looks at her . He makes her feel special . She had always wanted someone to look at her the way Amar does , it kind of makes her feel wanted , special . She was in the middle of both the men , Prem nudged her forward . She was lost in her thoughts , she didn 't notice Prem and Michael had taken a few guards down outside the bridge . Michael looked at his tracking device , the red light was still blinking which means Amar is still alive and they are right where he is , well just outside , to be exact . Prem tapped Michael in the shoulder and whispered , " you kick down the door , we 'll go in guns blazing ! " Michael rolled his eyes and whispered , " God help us , we 're all gonna die ! " Michael turned towards Prem , he continued , " You kick down the door , I will go in , the both of you stay out here and keep a lookout . " Both Catelyn and Prem agreed , Prem agreed with a little protest though , he was a little disappointed . He wanted to go in with a bang ! The three of them got into position and Prem rammed himself against the steel door . It didn 't move even a little , Prem fell on the floor with a thud and was groaning in pain holding his shoulders . Michael shook his head and pulled Prem and Catelyn away from the door , he shot the door handle twice and kicked the door open . Both Catelyn and Prem exchanged looks . Prem whispered " he could have done that just now , you know , " rolling his eyes at Michael . Michael stepped in the room with his gun pointed at the whatever that was standing in front of him , he was ready to fire , but when he focused , Amar was on a chair in front of him bleeding from the thighs and ankles . He was trying to tell him something , from the looks of it , he lost a lot of blood and he was turning pale . Looking at Amar , Michael leapt across the table and tried untying him . Michael concentrated on untying Amar , suddenly he felt a gun at the back of his head . His hand stopped working at the ropes . His heart thundering in his chest , Amar was struggling in his chair trying to get out of the ropes , Michael could hear Amar whispering " let him go … " " Do you think me a fool , boy ? " the man snarled at him . Michael turned in a whirlwind and caught the man 's arm pressuring him to drop the gun , once he did he kneed him in the groin and punched him in the nose . The man was down writhing in pain , he struggled to get back up and was reaching for the gun that he dropped . Michael hurried to Amar and untied him . He helped Amar up from the chair , before they could turn Michael heard a gunshot fired in the room . He turned and the man fell to lump in the floor . Catelyn was holding the gun and her hands were trembling from the shot . Michael walked up to Catelyn and whispered , " thank you , I owe you one , and you did good . " He took the gun away from her hand and asked her to breathe . Prem walked in at the same time , " holy shit , what happened ? " he asked . He rushed over to Amar and examined the wounds he suffered . " He has a severed artery , if we don 't get him to a hospital , he may bleed to death , he is already turning pale , Michael , we have to get him to a hospital , now . " Prem tore a piece of his shirt and tied around Amar thighs . " We got him , now lets get out of here . " Michael said . Catelyn and Prem helped Amar out of the chair and carried him out . Catelyn couldn 't be more grateful that they got Amar out but he was barely alive , now she was scared for his life . They had to hurry . Michael had to immobilize a couple of guards on the way to their helicopter but they made it to the helicopter . There were two men at the helicopter , Michael whipped out his gun and aimed at them , Amar waved at him to stop . " Those two are with us " he said , his voice barely coming out , almost like a breath . Michael eyed them both suspiciously , he wondered if they could be trusted . Amar assured them that they could be trusted . They boarded the helicopter but Amar tried explaining to them about the girls that were held captive and where he brought them to hide until it was safe enough to bring them out . Joey and Hanson told them where the both of them hid the girls . Hanson was already trembling from the cold and somehow Michael sensed that it wasn 't just the cold that bothered him . " We 'll come back for the girls , Amar , we need to get you to a hospital . " Michael insisted . " I promised the girls . I promised them I will get them out of here . " Amar said , his voice trembling and fading . " I 'll stay . " Catelyn said . The five of them looked at her . " That 's a bad idea lady . " Joey said . Catelyn turned towards Joey and the rest of them , " Take me to the girls . I will do my best to protect them until you guys get here with help . " " No , " Amar protested , " it 's too dangerous . " " We don 't have a choice Amar , we have to . You made a promise to them and I intend to help you keep it . " She said with a smile . Catelyn was determined to make sure the little girls are safe . She would never be able to forgive herself if she knew she could have done something to help them and she didn 't . She would not back down and she would not be a coward . " Now , go , he needs to get to a hospital . " Catelyn headed down the narrow paths of the containers with Hanson and Joey . Michael began to power up the helicopter . Amar could feel himself fading away but he couldn 't let them leave without Catelyn . It was too dangerous , not after what he had just found out before they rescued him from the captain of the ship . - END OF CHAPTER FOUR - Catelyn looked up at the window she just flew out from . Amar Qureshi just pushed her out from a window , six floor down . She got out of the trash bin , assisted by Michael . They waited for Amar to jump but before he could , he was pulled back inside . They found him . Michael pulled her away from the bin and pushed her into the car . Prem was already behind the wheels , waiting to kick the gas paddle . Catelyn and Michael got in the car . " Drive ! " Michael screamed . Prem hit the gas so hard , Catelyn could swear the car flew out to the street . " Where 's Amar ? " Prem asked while driving as fast as he could . " They got him . " Catelyn whispered . " What ? ! " Prem hit the brakes so hard the car screeched and came to a halt in the middle of the motorway . " We can 't just leave him . We have to do something . " He continued looking at both Michael and Catelyn . " I agree . " Catelyn said . " We have to go back . We have to get him back from them . " Catelyn said , tears flowing from her eyes . " Yes , but right now we don 't even know who ' they ' are . " Michael explained . He continued , " we have to get to a safe place . We have to protect Catelyn . Then we have to go get Amar . " He said to Prem . " I want to help get Amar back . It 's my fault they have him , if we don 't get him back soon they will kill him . " Catelyn said , adamant on following both Michael and Prem in getting back Amar . " Fine , but first , we need to get to a safe place . " He said with a grim look . They headed to Michael 's place when they were sure no one was tailing them . They arrived at an abandoned building when Michael said it was his place . Catelyn looked at him with a puzzled look . She held her hands up in surrender . Their ultimate goal right now was to find out where Amar was and if Michael could help them , both Prem and Catelyn were more than willing to accommodate . They just weren 't sure how much they could trust Michael . To them , he was still someone new . Prem knew Amar had his own investigator , this is the first time he 's meeting Michael . Catelyn entered the building , followed by Michael and Prem . Michael guided them to the top floor of the building where he had set his camp . Both Catelyn and Prem were shocked when they entered the top floor . It was equipped with the latest computer and security systems . It looked like it was a technology lab . He even had a huge fridge built in the floor filled with food . " In case the both of you are wondering , this is where I work . I don 't live here . " Michael said , looking at both of them with an amused look on his face . Catelyn and Prem exchanged looks . " Aren 't you afraid people might try to break in or squatters might move in and get cozy ? Or what if the owner of the place comes back ? " Prem asked . Michael who was now on his computer looked up . " I own this place . You didn 't think I would set all this up here without any security did you ? " Catelyn was awed at his professional skills . No wonder Amar trusted him . She browsed around the floor with caution . There was wires everywhere connected to devices and monitors . There were twelve monitors set up in the corner of the floor . It was showing a map . Map to where , Catelyn didn 't dare ask , but there was a red light blinking and moving at the same time . " Is that suppose to blink ? What is that ? " Catelyn asked pointing at the monitor where the red light was blinking . Prem moved closer to catelyn to take a look . " That 's Amar . " He answered , short . Both Catelyn and Prem was aghast . " He is on the move . They 're moving him . I clipped a tracking device on him just now . You didn 't think I 'll let my boss go in unprepared . " Michael answered . " Wait , you put a tracking device on him ? How ? Where ? " Catelyn asked in shock . " I thought you were his investigator ? " She looked confused . " I 'm his investigator and his personal bodyguard . I have a team that guards him . Wherever he goes and whatever he does , we 're always there around him . If I told you how and where I put his tracking device , I would have to kill you . " Michael explained with a grim expression . " Did you know this ? " Catelyn turned to Prem . Prem shook his head in disbelief . He knew his friend was wealthy and reputable , but he didn 't know Amar had a bodyguard and a security team that guards him . " There are certain things that are best kept secret . " Michael said with a smile . " Now that you know , you need to keep it quiet . " " So where is he ? " Prem asked . Michael was calculating the latitudes and longitudes of the map . He looked up at Catelyn and Prem with disbelief . " In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean . " I woke up with an excruciating pain in my head . I felt something wet at the side my head and it felt smelled like copper . I tried focusing in my surroundings , but I couldn 't , the pain was too much and I was so dizzy I couldn 't see straight . I closed my eyes and took a deep breath . I tried focusing on my surroundings than the pain in my head . I slowly opened my eyes . I was in a van of some kind , I tried recalling what had happened , slowly my memory was coming back . I 'm captured , my first thought went to Catelyn . I knew I pushed her off the window , Michael got her . A flood of relief washed over me . The documents were with her . These people are likely going to torture me instead of killing me . That was clear , if they had intended to kill me they would have done it back at Raffles chambers . I just need to know where I am and how to get out of this . There wasn 't anyone with me in back of the van . There were two men , one was driving and the other was beside him on the passenger seat . I don 't think they know I 'm awake . I tried untying the rope from my hands , it was too tight . I couldn 't move much either , they tied both my hand and legs . I tried to be as quiet as possible . The van came to a stop . I didn 't want them to know I was awake . I acted like I was still passed out . They opened the door and carried me out . " He 's passed out cold , " one of them said . They laughed and continued to drag me somewhere , I could hear metal doors creaking open . They dropped me with a thud on the floor and left locking the door as they left . As soon as I heard them locking the door , I opened my eyes and took a look around . I know I 'm in a consignment trailer . It was dimly lighted with a light bulb and there were two chairs and a table . It was somewhat like an interrogation room . I tried getting my hand free from the ropes . I remembered I still have my pocket knife in my jeans . I pushed it out of my back pocket and cut the ropes that tied my hand and legs . I was out of the ropes within minutes , then I heard the doors unlocking again . Someone was coming . I took the ropes that I cut and hid it , and took one short rope that I can use to strangle at least one of them . I lied back down on the floor and pretended to be unconscious . There was only one of them that came in , he brought in a tray of food and water . He kneeled beside me and gently nudged me . I moved in one stride and caught him by the neck from the back with the rope and strangled him . The man was coughing and gagging , he couldn 't breathe . I continued to choke him until I was sure he was passed out . I took off his clothes and tied him up with the ropes that they used to tie me . There was an apple on the tray that he just brought in . I took the apple and stuffed it in his mouth , there , my art work , enjoy . I took the man 's black jacket and wore it . It would work as a camouflage . It had a hood I could wear , and lay low until I find out what and who they were . I needed to do a little snooping around and make sure in the process , I don 't get caught or worse , killed . I also needed a phone . I have to let Catelyn and the others know I 'm okay and alert them of where I am . I walked out of the trailer and locked it , no one was around , I could hear water , like waves , then I realised it was a ship . I was on a container ship . I was about to panic a little when I heard someone walking over to where I was standing . I quickly hid behind " Dude , so you want to die ? if we don 't do this , he will kill us . " The other replied . " I didn 't sign up for this , I am not going to just hand over those little girls to the those men . God knows what they might do to them ! " The first man whispered shaking his head . " Neither did I , but if we want to stay alive then we don 't have any choice . " The other man replied . Both of them looked a little terrified of what they were going to do . Now I understood what was going on on this ship . They are trafficking girls around the world . This doesn 't sound good . I had to do something . I have to find those girls . Before that , I need to find a safe way out of this ship , so that the girls could use it to get to safety . I headed to the lower deck of the ship . I kept a lookout , just to make sure no one was around . It was probably about 1 or 2 am . I needed to find a phone fast . My best chance was the two men at the containers just now . I saw them heading back down to the lower decks . I decided to follow . The stairs to the lower deck were steep and small . It would be difficult to run back up in this stairs , one could easily be trapped here if ambushed by those men . I followed them back into a corridor , the air was thick with steam and hot air . They entered into a room , it looked like a bunker . I stood outside the metal door for a moment to make sure no one else was in there . I knocked on the door and when one of them came opening , I knocked him in the face pushing him further into the room . The other came at me with a knife , I flipped him over and kneed him in the groin . The two of them were on the ground , one cupping his groin and the other his bleeding nose . I walked up to them and said , " I 'm not here to hurt you , I just need some information . Will you help me ? " I asked , " Right , where the hell are we ? " I asked . " We 're on a ship . " Henson answered . Joey was elbowing him , stopping him from telling me anything . " I know we 're on a ship you moron , where are we ? or where is the ship heading ? " I asked , more precise . " We 're heading to France . " Joey said . " Tell me about this ship , " I said . " Well , it 's called the bloody mary . " Joey answered . " It 's owned a man named Byron . That 's all we know . " " Alright , this Byron where can I find him ? " I asked , Joey and Henson exchanged looks , Henson was about to say something when Joey cut him off . " My girlfriend 's pregnant and I need the money . How much can you give and can you keep her safe as well ? " " Of course . Whatever you want , how about two million pounds for each of you ? " I said . Both their eyes went big when they heard the amount I just said . Joey and Henson immediately agreed to help me . Of course I am not going to trust them completely . For the moment I need to use them , the two of them are familiar if this vessel and they can roam wherever they want on this vessel without being questioned . " Now , I need a phone . " I said . Joey looked at me and handed me his phone . I glared at him , obviously peeved , " we 're in the middle of the ocean , where do you suppose we get cellular signal ? " I asked with a sarcastic tone . " Get me a satellite phone . " Both Henson and Joey looked blank but the they hurriedly vanished behind the cabin door leaving me in the cabin alone . I wasted no time and started looking for anything that I could use to escape from the ship . I looked around the cabin , there were two bunk beds with white and grey sheets . Under the bunk beds were boxes of beer and liquor . I could smell it , a bottle must have been broken or something . There were a table at the end of the cabin with papers and some stationery on it . The cabin room was dimly lit , i barely could see anything . I walked up to the table and flipped through the papers . They were bills of lading that was headed to France . This ship carried tonnes of potatoes . It was headed to Le Havre , just a few hours away from Paris . I 'm going to have to make contact with Michael , he can make arrangements for the ship to be intercepted before the ship reaches to the parisian harbour . I was beginning to wonder where these two buggers went , it 's been a while since they left the cabin . He needed the satellite phone as soon as possible . He knew Michael would be able to track him , but they needed a plan fast and they have to execute the plan while its still dark . Once day breaks , it will be harder to go unnoticed , his life was on the line together with all those little girls . " What have you got me into Mr . Raffles … " I mumbled . I heard the door to the cabin click open . I hid near the bunk beds , just to be sure it was the two o " Where 's Henson ? " I asked , eyeing him suspiciously . " He stayed upstairs at the docks , we don 't want anyone to suspect us , just acting cool . " Joey explained . I nodded in agreement and dialled for Michael . He answered at the third ring . " Yeah , 278862 , " I said . Michael and I have a number or codes that only we know . This one is a distress code , so that he would know what to do , with the code , he surely would know that I am the one who 's contacting him , not an impostor . There 's also one for if I was kidnapped , that one 's a duress code , as he liked to call it . He insisted on having these codes when I first hired him over eight years ago , never had to use it before , but now I 'm glad he insisted on it . " Oh thank god , are you okay ? I know you 're at the indian ocean . My statistics shows me that you 're heading to france . Tell me what 's going on ? Stay put Q , I 'm on my way . You 're not going anywhere under my watch . " He said . I smiled at his words . " I know , listen , something big is going to happen here , you 're going to have to intercept the ship before it reaches the port . That 's the only way we can get the girls to safety . " I explained whispering to him . " Right , " He said then continued , " hey boss , don 't get yourself killed , wait for me . Dont do anything stupid . " " I 'll try my best and don 't take your own sweet time to get here ! " I replied . I switched off the phone and hid it under my jacket . I turned to Joey who was looking bleak . I asked him to show me where they hid the girls . At first he hesitated , I could understand why , I asked him again for the sake of his family , he agreed to show me . But we had to lay low . We couldn 't afford to get caught . So far there 's no commotion on the decks above , which means the men who put me on the ship still haven 't noticed that I 'm gone . That 's good news . Joey guided me through the vessel . We went through a long corridor with cabins on both sides . No one was around at the corridor . It was easy for us to move through the corridor , it was quiet and quite deserted . " Once we reach the port , the girls will be shipped off to a famous brothel , the frenchmen will be coming for them . I heard Byron talking to the frenchmen . " Joey whispered to me . I nodded and promised that would never happen . I had to get the girls out . We reached at a staircase leading to another floor . We went down the stairs and found two men guarding a door . This must be it , I thought to myself . There was a tray of food under the staircase . It looked like no one touched the food that was on the tray . I urged Joey to pick up the tray hoping he would know what I was getting at , thankfully he did . Joey picked up the tray and walked towards the men . I followed suit . " Fine , if one of ' em died of starvation , do you think the captain 's gonna ' like it ? " Joey countered . I stayed low behind him trying not to catch any attention . Both of the guards looked at each other , probably thinking what Joey said might have made sense , well it did to one extent . Not bad this guys eh ? I was getting tired of this . This is going to take forever . I flipped the tray to the side and hit it straight to the guard 's neck . He slumped on the floor with a thud . Before the other guard reached for his radio , I kicked him in the nuts , where it hurts the most and punched him once in the face and the neck to make sure he really passed out . My hand were aching from the punch I threw at the guards . I looked up at Joey who was standing against the wall looking pale . " Well , open the door you moron ! " I whispered . We were running out of time . Joey unlocked the door , his hand trembling . Once the door was opened Joey entered in first then me . I had to pull both the guards inside . Once I was in the cabin , my heart sank . There were about ten girls , all of them couldn 't have been more than 10 years old and all were in cages . In cages , like animals . My blood boiled to see little girls treated like this and I wanted to kill the men who did this to them . They were covered in dirt and their clothes were torn and ragged . Joey and I exchanged looks , he was as surprised and pained as I was . We unlocked the girls from the cages and let them out . I gestured them to be quiet and assured them that they will be safe . Joey and I stuffed both the guards in the cages that the girls were locked in . t was so small we practically had to kick them in to make sure they fit in it . Well , take that ! We gathered the girls and told them to be as quiet as they can , and help is on the way . I got the radio from one of the guards just to know if something was amiss . That would stir the whole vessel . I got back up to the stairs and signalled Joey that it was clear to bring the girls out . We are going to have to get to the main dock for Michael to get us out of here . We managed to get out to the docks unnoticed , which was an uphill task considering the amount guards i had to punch and worse , I had to hide the bodies while Joey guarded the girls . It was not long before when Henson found us and joined in the team . Judging by the look on his face , he was more terrified than happy to see us . Henson got us to a container that was empty . I hid the girls in there with Joey and Henson . I needed to know who the captain was and what exactly was going on and how did Raffles get involve in all of this . Henson told me where the captain would be at this time . So I decided to pay him a visit . Before I left , Henson handed me a gun . I looked at it then at him . " I don 't know how to use a gun , truth be told , even if I did I don 't think I will be able to shoot straight . " I said , winking at him . I headed up to the captain 's cabin . I did have to pacify a few men before I could get to the captain 's cabin . Once in , I saw a man who was facing the monitor with a navigation map , he seemed to be lost in the map . " Well , if you 're going to kill me , you might as well do it now . " He said . That , I did not expect . " Why do you think I 'm here to kill you ? " I asked . I had to know . " I knew the minute you were gone from the container Mr . Qureshi . " He said . " You know me ? " Now I was really surprised . " Of course , I know everything that I carry in my vessel Mr . Qureshi and I knew you would come looking for me . " He said . I couldn 't see his face clearly but he was big built and tall . A little taller than I am . His face was covered with a beard and all I could see in those dim lights were his eyes . Eyes filled with anger and evil . I could feel it my bones . He was pure evil . " Why was I brought here ? " I asked . Byron walked over to the end of the cabin and pulled out a bottle from under his table . He poured the contents of the bottle in a small cup and took a sip . I knew from the smell it must be whiskey . " You were not the target Mr . Qureshi . You were just a collateral . " He said . " If I wasn 't the target then who was ? " I asked hoping to find out why I was entangled in all of this . " It was the barrister and his associate . They knew too much . You just got in the way . " He said with a smile . " What did they know ? " I asked , " Do ya really think I 'm going to tell you that ? " He countered . " Well , you and I both know how this going to end , you are going to kill me . So why don 't you indulge me . Wish of a dying young man . Surely you could appreciate that , " I said , hoping he would bite the bait . " Hmmm , that is true . " He answered rubbing his beard . I nodded in agreement even though I 'm hoping this goes the other way round rather than the way Byron wants it to end . " Raffles found out what we were doing . He wanted no part of it but I spoke to him , we tried to convince him . But he didn 't want to . He wanted to talk to the police . He wanted to bring us to justice . He wanted to bring us all down . So we had him killed . We targeted the associate as well but she escaped , because of you ! " He snarled . " What are you going to do about ? My men are out there hunting her down as we speak . " He said . That moment I realized I needed to protect her more than myself . I had to make sure I got out of here as soon as possible . " Would you believe me if I said that Catelyn did not have anything to do with any of this ? " I asked , " Of course , but nonetheless she was with Raffles , and Raffles knew every single man who was involved in the trade . " He took a sip of his whiskey and looked at me with a murderous glare . In an instant , my mind went to the list that Catelyn and I was on . That indeed was a hit list , but the other men on the list , did they turn Byron down too ? This was getting too confusing for me to handle . Then I realized , this might be something bigger than what I thought . " The list … " I said . " Ah , so you know about the others too ? " " Yes , the list of names , who were the men that was on the list ? " I asked him . " People I don 't like . People I enjoy plunging my knife into . You know , killing with guns and all are quite fun but when you kill with a knife , that 's where you get personal . It gives you a personal touch . You 're the art you create . " He said , his voice mimicking somewhat of a symphony , a murderous symphony . " So what are you waiting for ? " I asked , almost a challenge . " Hmmm , eager to die are we ? " He replied . " Patience my boy , you will get your chance . " He said turning to the monitor when it started beeping . There was a green light blinking . I knew who it was . I smiled . Right on time ! He laughed at that . I slowly backed away from the monitors , trying to find a better way to get out of this situation . My eyes were fixated on Byron and his knife . I don 't want that knife anywhere near my body let alone piercing any part of my body . I had to think fast . Byron was still carried away at the monitors , I could make a run for it or I could attack him and bring him down . I 'm taller than he is , and well , way younger than he is , I am faster . Byron was now already alerting his guards , I need to do something . I leapt at him , grabbing him by the throat . He knocked me off him and was coughing violently . I got up as fast as I could threw a punch to his face , breaking his nose . The blow sent him back , he staggered and his face now bloodied , he lunged at me with the knife , I dodged the and swung another blow towards his torso , hopefully fracturing his ribs . He fell on the floor with a thud hugging his body . I smiled in victory . I took out the satellite phone that Joey and Hanson had provided me earlier , and tried calling them . Hanson didn 't answer the call , probably he was still busy hiding the bodies that we dropped on the way up here . I tried for Joey next , he was hodong the girls that we rescued from the decks below , but before I could say a word to Joey , I felt a sharp pain on the side of my right thigh . I turned , Byron was smiling , his face was bloodied and dripping with blood and sweat , he was smiling . The pain was excruciating and I knew I was bleeding . My legs could support me and gave out . I tried moving away from him but he stabbed me again on my ribs and fresh ripples of pain went through my body . The pain was getting to my head , I couldn 't focus anymore , I couldn 't move . I could see Byron pulling up a chair and he sat in front of me . Looking at me , he took a sip of the whiskey that he was drinking earlier . He got up and pulled me up from the floor and made me sit on the chair . I couldn 't move , he had stabbed me with knife again on my left thighs , he didn 't pull the knife out . My head waPosted by

It turned out to be señoritos , rich land owners , who had killed them . They stopped by later that day , making a lot of threats , but no one could do anything . The killings continued . Every morning they found new bodies . A bit confused Pedro looked around the barn . No milk anywhere , but the goat was empty . And there couldn 't have been anyone here . Could there ? Every morning someone was found dead . The rich men from the city had said they would kill everyone who had voted against the old system . Pedro knew he was in danger . Life went on , though . They never went anywhere in the night time , but he was worried of who had stolen the milk . The revolutionaries would not steal from him , he knew that . They were occupied taking down the ones in power . This morning things seemed to be back to normal . He was going down to meet his cousin and some friends to talk about the situation . They couldn 't let people keep disappearing . He went to milk the goat before he left , and was picking up some utensils when he heard something behind him . He turned around . He was astonished . He had never really believed in the gnomes , but there it was . The same little creature he 'd seen the other day . It was real . Hey stop that ! What do you think you 're … The little gnome came running towards him . Kicked him in the leg . Why you little … Now he was getting angry . He tried to kick it , but he missed . He tried again . The little soul less gnome was too fast . It picked up a log from the floor . Hit him in the ass with it . Pedro was really pissed now . He grabbed a long stick meant to be the handle for a broom . Now you 've done it , he said , hitting for the little man . Missing . All the time . The duende , on the other hand got it quite a few punches . After a long fight he was lying on the floor , exhausted . The little man was sitting on the bench laughing . Pedro was defeated He got up , limped out of the barn . He walked down towards town . He saw a large group of people further down . They were talking , shouting . People were running up and down the slope . Pedro walked over , slowly , his whole body was hurting . There were three bodies on the ground . One of them was his cousin . If it wasn 't for the fight with the little man , Pedro would have been one of them . Mr Arnaldo owned a travelling show with five attractions . The bearded woman , the man with the giant foot . the monkey boy and the man with eleven fingers . They were not the interesting part . They had something new now . Something horrible . The other monsters were humans . There wasn 't really any doubt about it . But the fifth one was … different . It was humanoid , but only to some extent . There was something to it . Behind it 's eyes . In the shadows that surrounded it . They hadn 't let it out of the cage . The bearded woman was Mr Arnaldo 's wife , and she wasn 't really bearded . He let his beard grow , they cut it , and glued it to her face . The monkey boy , on the other hand , was real . Well , he wasn 't a monkey boy , of course , but he was very hairy . They had bought him from his parents a couple of years ago , they were happy to get rid of him . Shameful , they had been . So now he was travelling with them . He didn 't like the shows much , but he was OK the rest of the time . They didn 't give him food and roof for charity , either . The man with the giant foot and the other with eleven fingers was just that , a man with a giant foot and one with eleven fingers . He 'd given them a job , that 's all . They weren 't really that interesting though , the monkey boy and his bearded wife pulled in more costumers . He didn 't pay them much anyway , it 's not like they could find anything else . Ever since the two headed girl died , things had been going slow . The others simply weren 't enough two pull the business . That 's when they 'd found the creature . It was perfect . It was like a human , somehow , but there were shadows moving around it . It 's red , glowing eyes gave it 's intense stare an evil , dark and horrible depth never before seen . They were going to be famous . Now , ladies and gentlemen , it 's time for the great attraction ! You think what you seen until now is disgusting ? You think they are horrendous monsters ? Behold , a creature from the darker depths of dungeon dimensions . A demon of horrible hells . The horrible ! The Dark ! The Evil ! Rangooooorrrr ! He pulled the cloth off . Inside they saw something moving . Something dark , as if it was inside a shadow , darkness moving around though light should enter . It was moving around , as in fear . Fear of the light . Fear of the people . They could catch a glimpse of a face . A horrible , evil face . A sigh of astonishment went through the crowd . Amazing … Horrendous … . It 's a devil … They whispered , they were to shocked to shout . Then someone started applauding . Everyone soon followed . Loud shouts . Mr Arnaldo was bowing to the applause . People stopped clapping . He looked at them . At their faces . Some looked scared . Others amazed , as if they were waiting for the next great part of the show . They were not looking at him . They were looking behind him . He turned slowly around . The dark creature was no longer inside the cage . It was standing behind him . He screamed . The crowd suddenly understood this was not part of the show . Panic broke out in the crowd . People started running away , but the creature suddenly was everywhere . It started killing . People were ripped to pieces by the dark shadows moving around them outside of time . A bloodbath . The creature lifted him up . Laughing . He screamed as his body slowly dissolved into little , dark flying creeps , disappearing in the air as the flew away . His brain didn 't work the way it should . It was … Diffuse . Strange . Like if there was some kind of fog , some kind of … death . He felt nothing . He wasn 't sure if he was even alive . He arrived between the houses . People were walking by , some saluted . Others ignored him . He didn 't understand . He didn 't care . They were things , moving , walking . Martin saw a strange man walking down the street . He jumped aside , as the other almost bumped into him . Hey , Jones ! I didn 't recognise you . Jones the gravedigger just passed by , like he didn 't even see him . He walked strangely . He must be drunk , said Martin when he was a bit down the road . So unlike him . He came to a house . It looked familiar , somehow . What was that , deep inside him ? Feelings ? Memories ? He needed to feel something . He needed to remember . Something to show him he existed , that he was alive . Something real . He entered . His shady eyesight made it hard to see . Some sound from within the house , from the next room . It was hard to tell what it was , his ears were full of noise , a background noise without meaning . Or was it his brain ? He tried to think about it , but his thoughts were slow , too slow . They didn 't make sense . Darcy came walking into the hallway . He was standing there , looking at her . She used to be his wife , but he could not really remember . She looked at him . What 's wrong , darling … ? She said . He said nothing . The expression on his face was … . Strange . Dead , somehow . Empty . Scary . What 's that you have on your head ? There were cables and metal tubes sticking out on one side . He caught her . Held her down . She tried to fight him , but he was too strong . He needed to feel something . Anything . He bit her . Bit her in the face . She screamed even harder . Started hitting him . He could feel the punches . A little bit . Not pain . Not even molest . Just the recognition of something hitting his skin . It felt good . Alive . Real . He started hitting her back . In the face . Again and again . He felt something . A strange pleasure of violence . Some of the life he vaguely remembered was still in him . She didn 't move any more . He punched her face a while longer . It wasn 't the same when she didn 't move . He started biting her head . Martin came running in the open door . He 'd heard the noise , and came to see what was happening . Darcy ! Is everything … He stopped . Her husband was lying over her . Chewing on her . He backed out . Help ! Help , someone ! The creature got up on his feet . Walked towards the noise . Out the door . Martin ran away , screaming . The other villagers came out of their houses . He looked at them . Their weapons . They were after him . They wanted to hurt him . Fear ? Maybe . Something strange deep underneath the clouds in his mind . Fear . Danger . He turned , ran . Down the slope , over the fields , into the forest . The farmers came running after him . Shouting . Dogs barking . A dog reached , him , barking around his legs . A small one . He tried to kick it , but it was difficult when he was running . Another dog , a big one , came . Bit his leg . He fell . Two others started biting his arms . Fear . Definitely fear . A farmer arrived , stabbed him with a trident . Another hit his head with a big pickaxe . Pain . He was alive . He was beyond doubt alive . Freakinstone was a scientist , and he was crazy . Good old spickedly mad , as they said in the village . After the great destruction , science was still evolving , but at a personal level , like in the old days . He had learned from his father , and he had access to a lot of old technology from the great metal disposal area close to his old castle . He 'd started out with a beetle . Insects were easier , their cells seemed to regenerate faster , and there were more cells that were expendable . The battery assured energy . He pushed the little button . It didn 't move , just lay there . He had to have done something wrong . Somewhere in his calculations there had to be some kind of failure . He picked up his papers when he saw a movement in the corner of his eye . He stopped . Stared . Did the little creep move a leg ? He had moved on to small reptiles , lizards . They moved around , but were quite clumsy and stupid . He had some control over them as well . The first mouse was a great breakthrough . He needed them fresh , so he killed them himself when the electronics were already attached . They moved around more freely , and even though he had his remote they were harder to control than the reptiles , and much harder than the insects . They had more will somehow , if such thing even existed . He needed to complete his work . He needed a human . A human for him to control . It would be very practical to have someone to do all the work around here , so he could focus a hundred percent on his science . He dug up a body from the graveyard . A child , easier to carry . Several nights light could be seen in the tower of his castle . He worked without stopping until it was ready . He turned it on . It started moving a little . Ghhehehehennnsnsnam … . A strange gurgling sound came from the recently revived child . It sounded like it was in pain . Horrible pain . It didn 't move . No eye contact . Some shaking was all the movement he could see . This was no human . It was a vegetable . He turned it off , disappointed . Ah , Freakinstone ! Said the gravedigger . Nice to see you . Could you believe someone dug up a dead body the other day ? It was the Jeff and Alice 's kid , who died from a heart failure . Some people are just crazy , aren 't they ? They … What 's up ? You look strange … What are you doing with that kn … nooo ! Aaaahhh ! ! Help me ! ! ! Ahghhh ! Freakinstone turned the gravedigger 's carriage , poured out the dirt to empty it . He got the dead body into it , and hurried up to his old castle . He had to get started fast , before the body started to rot . Hello ! He said . I eh … You had an … accident ! That 's it , an accident . Now you need to rest . No . No - no - no ! You need to stay down and rest ! The gravedigger grabbed him by the throat . Lifted him up . Lay him down on the same bench he had been lying on himself . Choked him to death . He stood there for a moment . His eyes were blurry , like if the room was full of smoke . Or was it his brain ? He didn 't know . He couldn 't think straight . He felt nothing . Knew nothing . Or at least not much . Some blurry memories , but he wasn 't sure what they was . He wasn 't even sure if he was dead or alive . The old tree was standing on a hill . The wind went through it 's leaves , the birds jumped around on it 's branches , there were insects piercing into it 's trunk . It didn 't care . It was just the way things were . It had water . Earth . Sun . It was all it ever needed . On the hill it had been standing all it 's life , as natural was . It was part of the hill , and almost as big under ground as over ground . Under ground sometimes a little creature touched it 's roots . Sometimes some worm dug into them . It didn 't care . It was all part of being a tree . Today a man came along . He was measuring it 's trunk . Looking at it . He even made a cross in it 's skin . It didn 't hurt . Things didn 't really hurt when you 're a tree . It was good being a tree . The next day the man came back . He cut the tree down . It didn 't really hurt either , but it was not good . It was not good at all . When the man pulled up the root , cut it into pieces and carried it all away , the tree 's life was over for ever . Stop the thief ! Stop the thief ! Ragon reacted fast . He lifted his spear , jumped over the wagon between him and the market stairs . In mid air he stabbed the thief in the throat . She fell dead to the ground . Ragon was a soldier . He protected law and order in the city . His job was mostly to kill people . People who murdered or raped . People who stole . People who kissed in public . Sometimes he did a mistake , but that was just the way things were , the way they had always been . No one questioned it . No one objected . Marakara came running . Thank you soldier , he said . Thank you ! He got the apples out of the dead thief 's hand . He could have bought new apples and it was uncomfortable to see the dead body on the ground , but the law was the law . Things were as they always had been . There was no other way . He never questioned it . He never objected . One day a stranger came to town . A man from rocky mountains far away . His name was Tornag . He questioned . He spoke with words put together in ways no one had ever heard . Arguments no one could deny . Reason . People listened , started questioning themselves . Soon they objected . I stood there , waiting for his move . Trying to look as defenceless as I could , so he would underestimate me when he decided to kill me . One of us was going to die tonight . It wasn 't going to be me . No answer . He was just looking at me , as if he wanted it . Maybe that was it . Maybe he wanted me to put him out of his misery . It bothered me . Not much punishment in that . I preferred the ones who begged for mercy . At least I was going to make it painful . I needed to get out of there . The cops could be there any moment . Some neighbour might have heard the noise , though it probably was quite usual in this neighbourhood . This would be hard to explain . I turned around , took one last look at the macabre symbol on the wall . The face of the little girl was smiling as well . There was a strange glow from it . I got out of there fast . Running down the road I felt different . Like I had changed somehow . I still had the same urge for justice , the same urge for avenging anything wrong in this world . I still felt like the good guy of justice I always had considered myself , but I saw things differently now . I stood in the middle of the room , watching the horrible symbol in front of me . A little girl had been cut to pieces , hung up on the wall in a sinister figure . What was it ? Some satanic summoning ? A sect of some kind ? I hadn 't seen this symbol before either . Her head was in the centre , her legs and arms made a circle . Her hands and feet were placed outside the circle , making a square . There had been two other murderers following a similar pattern . First a young man . Second a woman . Now a child . Sick . I wanted to throw up , but I couldn 't leave DNA on the scene of the crime . The cops would think it was me . It wasn 't the first time I had mixed myself up in a crime investigation . The laws were not strict enough . They deserved to suffer and die . I did the sacrifice of being the executer . The torturer . The first murder I read about in the newspaper . The second I had gotten there before the police . I have my ways . That 's when I had understood the gravity of the situation . The woman had been spread out on the floor in many pieces . Her fingers had been laid out in some ancient letter . I had been studying it for days , trying to find out what it meant , where it came … without luck . This was worse . The face of the little girl seemed tor have died in horrendous pain and fear . The painstaking cutting of the pieces was … I shivered . This was even worse than I had expected . I got the little bottle out of my pocket , opened it with shaking fingers . I needed to calm down . The whiskey poured down my throat . It felt good , but it wasn 't enough . Someone had called me at home . It had been a strange phone call . They told me to go here . Why did they want me here ? How did they know I was looking for them ? Who were these sick bastards ? A man was standing there . He was about forty years old . He had a white medic coat covered in blood . Literally , I knew it was white only by a small part of the collar . In his right hand he held a knife . The big kind , to cut meat . That wasn 't the scary part . There was a great carpet dwelling above the world . Inside it . Around it . It was conscious , yet not intelligent . Awake , but it did not think . One , a spectre of selves , everywhere and nowhere . No one knew how it worked , not even itself . It was pure observation . It knew , but did not calculate . It felt , but did not care . It was existence . Reality . Nothing more . Nothing less . The old man sat by the window , looking out on the valley he 'd lived in all his life . He knew everything about that valley . Every little rock , every old tree stump . He loved it . The valley was the best place on Earth for him . He walked out on the porch . Watching the little lake . He knew the little lake . He the kinds of fish swimming in it . He knew how to catch them . He knew how which berries there was in the forest on the other side , which mushrooms he could eat and which ones he could not . He sat down on his old stool , as he had done so many times before . He knew a lot . He knew how the flowers bloomed at springtime . How the hills exploded in colours in autumn . He knew how it felt to love and he knew the pain of hate . He knew the arouse of glory , the deep sorrow of loss . He knew . He knew a lot . He was old now . Very old . He knew life was coming to it 's end , and he wasn 't sad about it . He 'd lived . He 'd had a rich life , with sorrows and laughs . He wouldn 't have been without any of them . Even the painful ones . Today he was looking out on the field in front of his house . Something dark was hanging over the grass . Over the trees . And he knew . He knew his time had come , he 'd lived for a long time now . And he knew there was nothing to fear . As death came , he closed his eyes and accepted . Time had come . Ronny was falling . He had a parachute on his back . He loved parachuting . He was going to pull the string quite soon , he just wanted to feel the wind in his face and the sensation of flying a little longer . That 's because you didn 't listen . I 'm quite a talker really . I shout when the storms throw your boats around , I whisper when the wind makes the leaves move in the trees … This had to be the biggest discovery in history . But would anyone believe him ? This could be his great chance , but he needed proof . Air kept chatting away . … I even talk on a silent summer day , if you just listened close enough . I talk a lot ! Just ask Earth . There he comes . Hey , Earth ! Tell hi … Ouch ! Mike stops . It came from under the hull . Is there someone there ? The boat floats forwards for a short while . It stops , wagging in the small movements in the lake . He looks over the edge . Water doesn 't talk , water doesn 't talk , the water mocks . Water talks when water fucking wants to talk . Thing is humans aren 't really that interesting for conversation , . but you pissed me off . Get lost ! Mike is sitting there . The water just spoke to him . Was he going crazy ? He 's trying to make sense of it all . He decides he cannot , and starts rowing in towards shore . Get him , guys ! The water creature things attack him . They punch him in the face with their water hands . It 's quite annoying . They keep splashing their fists in his face as he swims towards the shore . He gets up on the the bank . Haha ! The creatures slaps hand , satisfied with their victory . Yeah ! Stupid human . We showed him , didn 't we . That 'll teach him a lesson . So they go on for a while . Mike sits on the shore for a while looking at the lake . That was the strangest thing he 'd ever experienced . Once again he shrugs it off , and walks up to his cottage . Probably better not to think too much about it . The flames were licking the wood in the vividly burning fireplace . Silence . Everything was beautiful . Johnny was just going to relax tonight , he 'd even switched off his phone . The flames looked almost like living things , small creatures jumping around the black wood . They … . were little creatures ! Johnny was astonished . Little monsters was running around , jumping , dancing . They had little heads , two feet and two arms . He moved closer . What are they ? One on them looked at him . Laughing . It was chopping on to the log with an axe of fire , seeming to form part of him , mixed together in the way of flames . It punched an other one , occupied digging his little claws into the wood , on the shoulder . The other turned . It seemed amused as well . They jumped forward as if they wanted to look closer . Out of the fireplace , down on the wooden floor . Johnny was too astonished to really understand anything . They seemed to have some sort of intelligence , they seemed to be curious about him . They were standing there , contemplating him . Exchanging words or something between them . The wood underneath them was getting black . Smoke . Fuck ! Johnny reacted fast . He caught the ash shovel and tried to put them out . They jumped away , running around , ducking . They seemed scared . Johnny hit one of them . It disappeared like the flame of a blown out candle . The other dived back into the fireplace . Phew ! Said Johnny . That was close . He looked at the blaze . The little fire men were standing in the chimney talking eagerly to the burning log . There are more of them now . The wood chunks were burning harder . The flames rose . Johnny backed away a bit , his face was getting too hot . One of the creatures took a step towards him . Screams . Little fire - creatures came running out of the chimney . They ran up the walls , the curtains . Johnny turned towards the door . A face covered it . Dark and evil . Laughing . Around him danced hundreds of small creatures . They were singing now . He could hear their words , chanting , messing . The king of flames has come to be , the God of flames has come . His big , his hot , and there 's no escape . His big , his hot , and there 's no escape . Duckbill was a platypus . Everyone laughed at him . Always . Every day . Beaver made fun of his beak . The ducks giggled at his strange tail . He didn 't fit in at all . Hey , beakboy ! He shouted , arrogant as always . How do you cut trees with that neb ? He laughed . The crocodile and the koala laughed as well . Beaver kept chopping down the eucalyptus standing by the riverside . Tomorrow he had to go out there again , and they all would tease him again . He hated going to work . He hated the ducks , and he hated Beaver . He hated himself . At least they hadn 't seen the little spur he had in his foot . Then they would bully him even more . Disgusting little needle . He didn 't even know what it was for . You got it in you … I can ssssssee it … . I can tasssste it in the air … She disappeared into the grass . Duckbill had no idea what she had been talking about . He had it in him ? He shrugged it off and went to sleep . The next day he went back to the little lake . The ducks came by . Beaver . The crocodile and the koala . They all came at once , they all came to pick on him . Duckbill was crying now . It just made them laugh even harder . They were roaring , rolling around , slapping their hands in the ground . Duckbill couldn 't handle any more . The little spur went in through Beaver 's skin . Some kind of liquid came out of it . Poured into his blood . Duckbill was scared . Now they 'll beat me as well ! Beaver fell into the water . He shook for a while . Then the shaking stopped . Sir Morgary lifts his sword . He 's won the battle , there 's no doubt about that . Sir Gregory is on the ground , defeated . But it 's not over . Sir Gregory turns slowly . Morgary sees his eye . A look of defeat . Of hate . Once this man had been his friend . Together they had won battles , they had slaughtered and raped , drunk on victory . That is a long time ago . Strange . Sir Morgary wipes the blood off his blade . He turns around and walks toward his horse . He was bringing news to his king . Now they aren 't all bad . Sir Gregory is standing . His head still lies on the ground , still staring at Morgary . Morgary lifts his sword in disbelief . The lack of logic scares him . He knows how to handle fear . He attacks . Pierces his sword into the headless warrior 's chest . Through the metal . Straight into his heart . His sword 's stuck . The decapitated body stands . The head on the ground starts laughing . First a giggle . Then stronger . It laughs like a madman as it 's body lifts his sword . The sword goes down over Morgary 's right shoulder . It comes out under his left arm . A clean cut . He falls to the ground in two pieces . Gregory picks up his head . He walks over to his dead opponent 's horse . Holds his head up , looking to the east . He jumps up on the animal and rides towards town . Vengeance will be his .

When I started writing this I really didn 't think I would get this far before I lost interest and found something better to do with my spare time so I never really gave much thought to how to write this next part . I think I was planning to make it look like it all carried on the same , putting in some of the better sex bits , and then put in a few big quick events to justify the fall of the gangs , and in some ways that is what happened , but it was really a slow decay , most of the next year in my life was devoted to watching it and not trying to stop it . The truth is that without the slow fall I wouldn 't have become the person I am , and it wouldn 't be the right way to tell the story . So the next few chapters are going to be a little bit darker and I little bit harder , hopefully I will still be able to put in the better sex bits . Most people blamed the beginning of the end on the immigrants , asylum seekers shipped up north and put into the vacant flats on the estate because no one else would live there , they where soon joined by a far few illegals who lived with them . Most where Islamic Iraq , Iran , Afghanistan all pumped out their fair share and despite their internal differences by the time they reach the estate they were all Pakies too us . If the is one thing the poor do well is finding a sub class to hate . Their kids didn 't want to join our gangs and we sour as hell were not going to give up territory to them , so we treated them badly . Their adults didn 't want to mix with ours so they didn 't try and stop it . And what was more important they didn 't follow the estates rules and that made tension . They did help the end come quickly but it was on its way before they became a problem . They were just easy to blame afterwards . No I put the blame for the beginning of the end , or at least the end as it affected me in one place , with an 18 year old southern girl call Kate . Kate never went to the estate , she didn 't know its name , she knew no one from it , and had no ill will towards us . Her only contact with it would come more than a week later when she met me but still the blame lies with her . Kate wasn 't good looking but that is not to say she was ugly , she was in a middle ground that quit a few girls fall into and convince themselves they are hideous , most girls are attractive in some way you just have to find a guy who has kinks that way . She was a brunette which she hated , her boobs where too big for her body but I have never heard a guy complain about that , her teeth where just a little too big for her mouth and she had a thin nose which made her look smug all the time but she had great skin and she loved her arse even if I did find it a little flat . It started on a Friday night , it was the last day of Fresher 's week at Liverpool University which puts it at my second week of term . Kate was a Fresher at Liverpool that year , she had been raised a good girl in a posh southern suburb , had gone to a private school , had gone to church on a Sunday , she had never done anything bad other than to lose her virginity to a boy she " truly Loved " back home and as such had come to University and her first taste of freedom with the soul purpose of being bad . She was determined to try new things and over the last week she had tried as many as she could think of , she had got drunk off her face most nights and had had sex with 5 different boys in the last week , one of which must have been 30 and two one after the other against a wall in the street , she had tried weed and had taken an Ecstasy pill , she had even made out with a girl from her halls . So this new Kate had jumped at the chance to go out Friday night with some second years from her course . They had taken out a dozen girls from first year to show them the town . Kate had gone down on one of the lads in a club bathroom , even swallowed , which was fine until he told everyone as soon as they " came " out . One of the second year girls had cornered her after and told her he was her man , she had twisted her nipples hard and told her she would make Kate her bitch if she did it again . The new Kate wasn 't all that sure that it wouldn 't be a bad idea to be the girls bitch but it wasn 't to be . With the point made the second year girls made sure to lose Kate the next time the change clubs but even that was ok . As often happens to young , drunk girls who is not very attractive but nice enough , she was picked up by a group of guy . Things could have gone bad for her again as they went to more clubs and got drunker as the guy where starting to talk about taking this posh slut back home and tying her down so they could take turns with her . The new her pretended not to overhear as she was tempted to let them , until they started to talk about things they could put in her , which not only included a 14 year old girl who live down the street but one of the men 's dog she bailed the next chance she got . But when one is young and at a University in Liverpool a night out can 't end there , a night out must end in The Razz , this is not whole true , you can go home anytime , but lots of people seem to end up there . The Razz was a real dive of a night club and we had some pretty bad one back home . The upstairs wasn 't so bad but the basement dance floor was truly terrible . It was cheap to get in , had cheap drinks , bad music and slutty girls so students love it . No one went there sober , no one headed out of a night to go The Razz but somehow , some way they found themselves there . Kate found herself there , all dressed up , in her most slutty clothes , drunk , alone and looking for fun . The fun she found was named Robby . Robby was a parasite , he used his good looks and his charm to convinces impressionable , emotional , damaged girls he loved them and then he used them up . They would buy him things , lend him money that he never paid back , most of which went into an ever present hole of his gambling debts , he would steal from them , separate them from their friends and he would violate them . He would come up with way to humiliated , degrade and damage them sexually and convince them they liked it and they would look passed it all because they LOVED him . When they ran out of things to give he would move on and if they got wise t him before he was done with them he got mean . Robby had heard of the estate but he never listened when he was told otherwise he wouldn 't have done what he was about to do . He was almost done with his last girlfriend , he had done things to her that a monster like me found disturbing even among the gangs we had some standards . He had taken her in every way he knew , stripped her of everything she was , he had sold time with her body to his friend and when they would no longer pay he had passed her around for free , a night with her had paid off half his debts and her pussy and paid his rent . He had almost had her fuck his lecturer so he could pass a course but he liked being in second year , this would be his fourth time , just being kept his parents off his back . He had given her to the lecturer anyway in the end . He hit her all the time , told her it was her fault and she believed him , she loved him . All it would have taken was one phone call and he would never have touched her again but she never made it . So now Robby was done with her but that didn 't mean he would let her go , not till he found a new girl to make his whore . He loved Freshers so young and naive and willing to please , most don 't even know what a real relationship was like and it was so easy to make them see it his way . Kate had prey written all over her and Robby moved in to take his go . It cost him too drinks to get her to make out with him , less than £ 5 for a kiss and it didn 't cost him any more to get her on the dance floor , without the thin fabric of her panties the dance would have been classed as third base . She was so drunk that he didn 't need his charm or his looks to get her to go the toilets with him , he was half worried she would pass out because it is no fun if she doesn 't know . He pushed her into a cubical in front of him . He pulled off her top and broke the hooks on her bra getting it off . He liked her breast , he knew guys who would pay big to play with them if this worked out . He ran his hand up her leg and beneath her skirt taking a tight grip on her panties . He didn 't try to pull them down but pull them out , giving two sharp tugs until there was the tearing sound of the seams going , Kate gave out a little squeak as they did . He pulled the tatter pieces of fabric from her , dragging it between her legs over her pussy lips . He forced them into her face and had her smell herself on them before dropping them to the floor . Robby spun her around and bent her outs so that her body was over the toilet , her face and cheat pressed hard into the graffiti covered wall . Robby pushed her skirt up over her arse exposing her pussy , Kate wasn 't all that wet , he had to push hard to penetrate her deeply , he knew that he had hurt her but he didn 't care , it was best to be rough the first time . She would know what she was in for and get used to it or just be some slut he fucked once . He took her hard and fast , reaching around with his hand too twist , pinch and pull her nipples painfully . Even with the pain this new slut was getting wet and hot , her body responding . He was pounding her to hard of to get breath to moan so she just grunted with each thrust . He wasn 't going to last long at this pace so he moved one of his hands down to Kate 's clit . He didn 't care about her pleasure but wanted her to cum for two reasons firstly if she came she was more likely to come back for more and more importantly for a girl to feel truly violated , truly degraded , her body had to enjoy it even as her soul felt dirty . He knew how to use his hands , forcing a girl to cum was one of his specialties , if this slut became his he would send a night with her tied up and do it until she promised to do anything if he would stop . She had a forced , dirty climax . When the old Kate came back she would cry about it and feel used of a long time but the new Kate was too far gone to care . Robby didn 't want to cum in the slut cunt , she hadn 't earned that yet . So he span her , forcing her to her knees and shot his loan into her mouth , he made sure to pull out before he had done getting it on her face and chest . He leaned down grabbing a handful of her hair " You mine now " he spat at her . Kate just nodded dumbly . It was in this state that he led her out of the toilets , hair a mess , her skirt still pulled up showing off half of her arse , no bra , no panties , and bits of his cum face . Even then it could have all been ok but another girl saw him with her then and that girl talked and soon people would know . Two days later the girl who knew the estate , a girl who was born there and with luck and hard work had made it all the way to University , even if it was paid for with drug money , a girl who up until two nights ago had been convinced Robby loved her , that is why she let him do those things to her , A girl who had spent all summer working in Liverpool just to be near him ran herself a bath . She had cried a lot over the last days , she had taken the drugs to stop crying but they made it worse . She hated herself because of what she had done for him , she hated herself more because she would do anything to have him back . She wasn 't going to leave a note , the people that needed to know why she had done it would know , she had wrote it all down in a diary , everything and she had just mail it and the dog collar he had made her wear to the one person that would understand . She knew this wouldn 't be the end , Robby did not know what hell he had invited . She slipped into the hot water , trying to let it clean the dirt off her skin but it would never come off . She picked up the blade and pressed it into her skin , it took her 4 tries before she cut deep enough and the blood started to flow , she tried to do the other arm but her finger wouldn 't work . She started to feel sleepy . . . she started to drift off to sleep . . . Her name was Lisa . She was found later that night by her roommate , she had told Lisa what was being said about Robby , she had thought she was helping and blamed herself for it . She was a nice girl and didn 't deserve that kind of gilt but I am not sure if Lisa didn 't plan it that way . She called the police because that is what normal people did and they came and did their thing . They were more interested as to where she had gotten the drugs than by the suicide . When they rung the police around out way to get someone to tell the family they were certainly more interested in the drugs . Lisa was Lacy 's older sister , it was his drugs money , the money coming off the corner that paid for her education . A real reason to ask an estate gang member about drugs was not something to pass up . I sent a lad to find Lacy , I knew where he was , I knew the flat he shot up in so I sent him there and I walk to Lacy home . If the police where on the estate they had a good reason to be here and I was going to find out what is was . It was the first time I had been to Lacy 's flat , despite his growing habit and me running his corner he worked hard to keep his family away from the gang . He had done a good job because his front door was open by a girl I knew . Her name was Charlotte , she was in my form , she didn 't talk much and I had never gave her a second look , now that I did she was quite pretty in a child like way , very petite with a mass of uncontrollable blonde hair and big , sad , blue eye . I was shocked to see her there , I should have known if she was related to Lacy but I didn 't and if she was why hadn 't she joined up by now . All of these questions could wait as there was a police car outside . " Hi I am Rav . . . " " They are not here for him , you don 't have to act as a buffer just get him here NOW ! " she slammed the door on me . It was the first time I had heard Charlotte say more than two words and I liked her from then on . I found Lacy quickly and hustled him home , he was relatively clean . I forced my way through the door after him , I wanted to know what was going in . His mummy was crying , as the police told the story again of Lisa being found dead , how she killed herself , the where two PC and a young detective , he worried me . Charlotte didn 't cry but Lacy did , I would have to keep him out of sight if he kept it up , dead sister or not it was a show of weakness . It would have gone ok but the detective brought up the subject of the drugs , how could she have got them , did they know anyone who could have sold them too her . His thinly valid accusation got Lacy mad , that was good so I let it go a bit far . I watched him lose his temper , I was big enough now to stop him from doing anything but the police left quickly . I really didn 't like the look the detective gave us as he left , pigs should be scared of us here . That would have been that , her family would have been sad , but it would have really touch me but for the package Lisa had sent . I was summoned to the YMCA that Friday by Bex , I walked past the typical seen of depravity that was the lower room on a Friday night without even looking . The upstairs was empty as I walked down the hall , the room at the end looked like a bomb had hit it . The tables and chairs had been smashed , the porcelain that was still on the walls was broken , and the rest of it was scatted across the room . From the way he was pacing you could tell that the bomb was called Bob . I didn 't look at anyone in the room but walked over to him , it was our job to watch out for each other and seeing him like this was rare . I place my forehead gently on his and held him there , if he wanted he could have move , he could have ripped me to pieces but he didn 't he was close enough to come back , I looked deep into his eyes as he forced calm on himself with ragged breaths . I turned to look at the room , Lacy was sunk down in one corner his knees pulled up to his chest , Cain had a cut above his left eye from his own attempt to calm Bob down , Bex was white not used to her brother losing control . " What the hell is going on ? " I asked . So they told me , Bex had got a package from Lisa . Lisa had dated Bob back in the day and even if it didn 't work out Bob had loved her but she had got real close to Bex , they were like sister before Lisa had left for a better world and Bex had fallen out with her over it . She had sent Bex her diary believing Bex would be the only one to understand . Bex had read it , the last six months had shocked her , had made her anger , the writing of the last two days had made her cry . I have read the diary , and the last two days where truly bad . That is why we were here to hear the story . " So what do you want me to do ? " I asked . Bex passed me the diary , on top was a photo of Lisa sitting next to a man who was looking away from the camera . " That is Robby " she said " you are going to Liverpool , you are going to find him . " I looked at Cain half excited , was this going to be my first kill . He shook his head ever so slightly . " Lacy wants to have a word with him about the miss treatment of his sister , you are to take him not kill him . Take Tazz with you , Mark will look after Lacy corner while you are away " He said . I nodded and started planning , I would need help so as well as Tazz I would take Mike , I would like PayDay but we needed to leave some people on the corner . Killing someone is easy , all you need is some time with the person , hell you don 't have to be alone if you don 't have to be alone if you will risk it . Taking someone whole and not getting court doing it is hard , especially in a town you don 't know , when you are trying to control a drug addict who wants it now . You need a place you can control to take someone , picking them off the street has to many risks and you need time to plan . Finding Robby was easy , we had his name and all it took was sweat talking a secretary to get his timetable . I sat outside his lectures until I saw someone that matched the photo and then we followed him . I followed him for 4 days on and off , I learned a lot about him , and what I learnt made me sick . Most things he did looked innocent but I had read Lisa diary by this point , I knew what kind of person he was . I watched using people in small ways . He owed a lot of money to people that I wouldn 't owe money to for any reason , which was good as they would be the first to be looked at by the police . It took me a day to work out the only place we could take him was his flat but getting him there was the hard bit , he was so erratic it was hard to plan . This was where we met Kate , Robby had her bad , he spent most of his nights with her , had her do things slutty in public , humiliated her on more than once while I watched . I needed him in one place and Kate was going to put him there . I had taken a student ID off a lad the first day by bumping into him , I had given him back the rest of his wallet so he would just think he had lost it . I used it to get into the library after Kate that Friday morning , I walked up behind her and grabbed her arm . " We need to talk " I said with a grin " You scream and I will hurt you . " She didn 't scream , she didn 't fight , and I think Robby had broken her of that . I took her to the stacks , the where places down there that didn 't get used more than twice a year , books that never got read , the place was full of places to have a quite chat . I forced the diary into her hands and commanded her to read , it took her the best part of an hour and a half to finish , and she was white by the end , shaking . She told me her story , crying all the time , she told me everything Robby had had her do over the last 2 weeks , how dirty she felt . She told me she would break it off , never see him again , for what he had done to her and to Lisa . She just wanted to go back to being the old her again , she hated who she was , and I could sympathise with that but it wouldn 't help me . I told her that Robby would get his but I needed him at his flat tonight and she was going to get him there , it was a risk but I was tired of Liverpool , I wanted to get home . She didn 't need much to agree , she hated him now , he had used her like so many girls before . So I left her and went to wait of Robby to come home . We had been smashing shop front windows with silent alarms near Robby 's Flat for the last four nights , the fastest police response time was 8 minutes , which was more than enough if some call 999 . The compound was made up of two L shaped buildings with two entrances , a security guard had a hut at one end and a CCTV camera coved the other entrance so he could watch both , or it would have if we hadn 't taken it off the wall two nights ago and it hadn 't been replaced so we could come and go as we liked . I watched him go in with Kate from a van across the road , Mike had stolen it yesterday , I gave a slow ten count before getting out . Tazz and I crossed the road towards the block . The front door was quite and complicated lock , it would have taken me 5 or 10 minutes to pick but I had taken a set of keys off a lad leaving earlier that night . I had my bat held flat against my arm , waiting for the lift seemed to take forever but once on it we reached the floor in no time . We slid our hoods into place , I pulled a bandana up over my nose and mouth . I stood just to the side of the door and let the bat slip down my arm until my fingers gripped the Knob on the end , I pulled it up until my other hand gripped it a few inches from the other end then I swung it like a ram . The trick is to aim just below the lock in order to get the best leverage . The lock was ripped from the wall sending the door crashing inwards . Tazz went first , I followed , one of Robby 's flat mates was pushed over a coach as we pushed in . I pointed the bat at him like a sword , I had read the diary and this guy where little better than he was , I was deeply tempted to hit him but that was why we were here . " Stay the fuck down , we are only here for what is owned " I hear myself yell but I don 't remember thinking it . The door to his room came off with a kick , it wasn 't even close to the one at the front . He was standing there in just his pants , Kate was naked on the bed , he had been working fast . I hooked the end of the bat into his stomach making him double over , I drove the handle into his neck pinning him to the wall , and I pulled the picture from my pocket and held it up . I didn 't look at it , ever line was burned into my mind but some things had to be done . I threw him to Tazz who dragged him from the room , I looked at Kate taking in her nakedness with a smile under my mask " You look good , next time don 't get drunk and pick a jerk like him , and you might want give us a few minutes before calling the police . Oh and tell them we asked about money " I said as I left the room , the flatmate was still on the floor where we had left him . We took the stairs down , Robby begin he was paid up all the way . Mike swung the van around and met us coming out , we threw Robby in the back and he promised us everything to let him go , he even promised us Kate . We head of an run down industrial estate on the outskirts , one run down warehouse in a sea of run down warehouse around Liverpool , I am not sure I could find it any more . Mike stayed in the van , god I wish I had , and we dragged him inside . Lacy was high , he was always high now and he had set up tools . I was bad , I did bad things , I got hurting people for information or as punishment , I got that sometimes in that world people have to die , but what Lacy did that night . . . well I still have dreams about it . He got Robby 's story out of him , one scream at a time , everything he had done to anyone he could think off . For the first 15 minutes I thought he would kill him , for the next I swore he would kill him , for the last I hope he would kill him . I member the screams , but I didn 't turn away , I watch it all . Robby was scum but no one deserved that , he would be using his looks to get things any more . Lacy was done with him and he told us to take him to a hospital , he wanted him to live with it . We dragged the barely breathing , bloody mess that had been Robby to the van . I carried him into an A and E and dropped that piece of flesh on the floor . A young nurse ran up a look of horror on her face . We drove home in silence , Lacy had used again and was too stoned , Mike had heard the screams and seen the mess we had pulled out and Tazz and I had seen too much . We got home later and left Mike to burn out this car , I walked to the flat , Faye was asleep , I didn 't wake her , I didn 't try to sleep , I just sat on the end of the bed starring at the wall . Read 5061 times |

Mike nodded , and packed his stuff into his backpack . Little did either of them know , Mike had a stowaway in his backpack . A mosquito the size of two canned hams . Then he and Sabrina walked into the woods and stopped at a tree . Mike searched a bit , and finally found a doorknob . He turned it , and he and Sabrina walked through it , and opened another door that led to Mike 's basement in good old Los Angeles , California . Then they walked up the stairs . " She likes doin ' it the supernatural way ' cause it 's faster . I prefer doin ' stuff the mortal way . Except when it comes to buggin ' Dr . Brackett . " Phyllis smacked Mike in the shoulder and walked off . Mike smiled and went back to unpacking his backpack . He didn 't notice the rather large mosquito fly out of it ( and that alone was surprising ) . The next day , he went down into work as usual . " Pretty good , " Mike said . " Campin ' in the Other Realm is easier than campin ' in the mortal world . Although there are bugs everywhere , the Other Realm doesn 't have as many as campin ' areas around here . " At that moment , the mosquito crashed through the window and began buzzing around . Most mosquitoes are really annoying , but this one not only was annoying , but he was a nasty little bug as well . He thought he was a dive bomber . Bob , Mike , and Jerry ducked as the mosquito dive bombed them . The three of them then ran off , and the mosquito went after them . It finally got the results it wanted , however . It landed right on Jerry 's shoulder , and plunged it 's biter right into the side of his neck . " You ain 't kiddin ' ! " Mike yelled . " We gotta keep it in this jar with the lid on tight , so it won 't bite anyone else again . " " Well , Other Realm mosquitoes transmit some pretty bad sicknesses . Some of which haven 't even been identified yet . Now , Jerry , are you sure you 're all right ? " Mike wasn 't so sure , but he went along with it , anyway . The boys had a lot to do that day . Mike agreed to do a movie , and Bob wanted to get started on it right away . It started out okay , but there had to be a lot of takes and retakes . Jerry was starting to get frustrated over the whole thing . He couldn 't concentrate on what he was doing . The others nodded , and Jerry left . Mike began to get that icky feeling in his sixth sense . He knew that mosquito bite was more serious than Bob and Jerry thought . Jerry went out to the parking lot and got in his car . He was really feeling sick by now , but he didn 't think it was at all serious . He could barely see where he was driving , either . His vision was getting all blurry , and he felt dizzy . Finally , he passed out at the wheel , and crashed the car directly into a lamp post . The crash caught the attention of many a passer by , and one called the paramedics . Dan and T . J . arrived on the scene in under a minute . Mike arrived as well . T . J . nodded , and he walked over to the driver 's side of the car . They opened the door and pulled Jerry out of it . Amazingly , he came out of the accident without a scratch ! " No , I came back from a campin ' trip in the Other Realm yesterday , " Mike said . " A mosquito stowed away in my backpack , and he bit Jerry . Bob didn 't think there was anythin ' to worry about but I knew better . Wait here . I 'll go get the jar . " " How 's Jerry doin ' ? I didn 't have time to check him out . I came out just as Dan and T . J . were pullin ' him out of his car . He crashed it into a lamp post . " " Other than that , he seems all right . You may know more about the subject than we do . Now how did this mosquito get to the mortal world ? " " I 'm shocked , " she said . " You two carried on an entire conversation without yelling at each other or calling each other names . You two must be sick ! " " We 're not sick , Lynn , " Mike said . " Now 's not the time to have my fights with Doc Brackett . Jerry 's really sick , and I 'm too worried about him to make slams at Dr . Feelbad . " Mike left Rampart after that . Dr . Brackett glared at him and went back to looking at the mosquito . It was the biggest thing anybody had ever seen in their lives . Dr . Brackett had to agree with that one . The mosquito was HUGE ! They 'd have to get Mike back into Rampart in order to study it better . Mike in the meantime was on the phone with Hank at Station 51 , telling him what happened , in case Dan and T . J . were out on another run ( which they were ) . " They were available , what can I tell you ? " Hank said . " All they reported in was that they were available after the car crash , but they didn 't give me the details . " " Yeah , I know he was fine this mornin ' . I went campin ' in the Other Realm with my cousin , Sabrina , and a mosquito stowed away in my backpack , and he bit Jerry . Other Realm mosquitoes carry these weird sicknesses , and now Jerry 's got one of them . " " No , he isn 't . And who knows how long he 'll be sick . He 'll probably be at Rampart for quite some time , that 's about all I can tell you . I figured I 'd better tell you . " Mike hung up , picked up the receiver once again , and fed some more coins into the pay phone . He called Hank 's house then , in order to inform Christine . He 'd get around to telling Linda when he had a chance to head over to Carson . Christine 's reaction was the same as everybody else 's , and Mike had to explain everything yet again . " Yeah , he 's contained over at Rampart , " Mike replied . " Other than that , we 've got nothin ' to worry about . Except how long Jer 's gonna be out of commission . I 'm goin ' over to the high school and tell Linda . " Mike hung up and then left Rampart . He went straight to Carson High School then . Linda was in the middle of English class , sitting through probably the most boring lecture , about the most boring book , being lectured by the most boring teacher in the entire English department . It appeared like the teacher was going to fall asleep any minute , as well as the students ! Luckily , the PA system came on . Linda sat down . Mike stood up and told her what had happened . In response , she dropped her books to the floor . One happened to land on Mike 's foot , and it was heavy . " Well , I don 't know , " Mike said . " I 'm pretty sure he is , but I 'm not positive . Dr . Brackett 's gonna do what he can , but he can 't promise anythin ' . " Mike left Carson and headed back to Rampart . He felt he should get over there , just in case Dr . Brackett needed a little help with the mosquito or something like that . Also , he wanted to spend as much time with Jerry as possible . Dr . Brackett was still staring at the mosquito in the jar . Carole left . Mike walked into the room , pulled up a chair , and sat down . He put his hand on Jerry 's forehead and sighed . Then he snapped his fingers . A washcloth and a bottle of alcohol appeared in his hand . He poured the alcohol on the cloth , rung it out , and rubbed it against Jerry 's face . Jerry stirred for a moment , and slowly opened his eyes . " Lousy . My head hurts , my throat hurts , my stomach hurts . . . . basically everything hurts . I guess that mosquito bite was more serious than I thought . " Jerry closed his eyes again and dropped off to sleep . Mike clicked his tongue against his teeth . He didn 't know how he was going to get through this . He spent nearly three hours sitting with Jerry . After awhile , Joe came into the room , followed by Dixie . " Let me tell you somethin ' , Joe , that mosquito is even freakin ' me out . I 'll go down and kill it . That my give Dr . Brackett a better opportunity to look at it or somethin ' . " Lynn and Carole ducked under the desk . Dr . Brackett took ten large paces backwards . Mike slowly opened the jar . The mosquito flew out and landed on the desk . Mike gave him one good swat with the fly swatter and the mosquito was out for the count . Then Mike snapped his fingers and a pair of tongs appeared . He picked up the mosquito and handed the tongs to Dr . Brackett . " No , I 'm not gonna stay here all night , " Mike said . " Kick me out when visitin ' hours are over . By the way . Did Jer come around ? " " Look , if you see Captain Stanley any time soon , " Joe said . " Tell him he needs to fill out some forms for Jerry . We can 't have him fill these out , and I don 't want to give them to you , Mike . " Mike nodded . He couldn 't help worrying . As far as he knew , there was nothing anybody could do for Jerry at this time . Morning rolled around . Mike was at the Screen Gems studios looking through the script that the group was starting the day before . " Yeah , I 've got nothing for you to do , anyway . Not until Jerry gets well , at least . You two are the Screen Gems ' dynamic duo . I can 't put just one of you in a movie these days . People complain . " Mike stood up and left . He went to the radio station Jerry was broadcasting from . He called the day before and told them what happened , and they were having a heck of a time trying to find replacements . " I just came by to sort through Jer 's records , but okay . I 'm not doin ' much of anythin ' else . But just today , and whenever I have the time . Most of the time I 'm gonna be hangin ' out with Jerry . " Mike went into the studio and began going through some of Jerry 's records . He decided to dedicate the show to nothing but Doo Wop , just for Jerry , although he knew he wouldn 't be listening . Mike turned on the tape recorder and then put on a record . " Greetin 's California , " he said . " Monkee Maestro Mike pinch hittin ' for the Geator with the Heater who 's under the weather . Way under . This is the Doo Wop show , and nothin ' but for the whole two hours , so grab your lettermen 's sweaters , poodle skirts , and saddle shoes as the Monkee Maestro takes you back , back , back in time to these sounds . " " Don 't ask me , " Christine said . " I don 't know what he does with all those records . You might want to ask Linda . " Mike and Christine then went upstairs and began digging through the house , looking for Jerry 's records . They found a good stack of them in the basement next to some old recording equipment Hank kept around for the heck of it . Mike took a selected few , as well as an old record player . Mike left the Stanleys . Then he went back to his house before heading on over to Rampart . He retrieved a large shopping bag from underneath the counter and loaded the records and the record player into it . Phyllis watched . Mike and Phyllis went out to the car , with the records and other stuff . Once they arrived , they immediately went up to the third floor . Hank was inside , filling out some form or another . " You 're asking me ? He was awake a few minutes ago , and then went back to sleep . He never stays awake for more than two or three minutes . " " Yeah , I know . Just don 't read over my shoulder or joke about it , all right ? I don 't like anybody breathing down my neck . " " Well , I brought you some stuff . I went down to the radio station , made a tape for them to use , and then collected some of your records . So then I went to Cap 's , and got some more of your records , and your portable record player . Then I went home to get my old radio , the one I don 't use anymore . I thought I 'd lighten the mood of this hospital a little . " " Trust me , Jerry , you don 't , " Hank replied , putting the forms aside for a minute . " You try to get up now , you 'll fall flat on your face . Your legs will never hold you . " " I think they 're gonna have to start feeding me intravenously , " Jerry said . " I am really wiped . I can barely keep my eyes open . " Phyllis had to stifle a giggle . Everybody knows hospital food is more disgusting the cafeteria food and airline food put together . At any rate , Mike took the tray , threw it into the air , and made it disappear with a snap of his fingers . Mike sighed , and left . He didn 't want to hang out at Rampart at the time . He just put Jerry 's records in the corner , and then left . On the way home , he stopped by the baseball field . In case of an emergency like this , Jerry had lined up some replacements for his coaching duties . His pinch hitters happened to be Fluey , Multi , Coiley , and Sebastian . All four of them had to do it , because none of them alone had Jerry 's high energy levels . THWACK ! The sound of a softball hitting a bat interrupted the conversation . The boys looked up at it and focused on practice . Gosalyn was playing the field and was going after the ball . Zipper , Lilly , and Leland were on the bases , and Jenny was the one who had hit the ball , and she was headed for first . Zipper was headed for home , Lilly was advancing towards third . Leland got a little disorganized , and headed for home plate as well , and he collided with Jenny on the way . " Yeah , " Mike said . " I 'll see you guys later . Good luck . These kids have pretty good energy levels . They connect with Jerry well . " Mike shook his head , and left . He had a lot to think about . A week went by . Mike was still going in and out of Rampart . Jerry hadn 't made any progress , either . Mike went up to 345 . Jerry was asleep , as usual . Mike sat down in his usual spot , and turned on the radio to a soft rock station . He knew Jerry wasn 't big on soft rock , but he didn 't want to put it on another station in the hospital . Mike put his hand on Jerry 's forehead and sighed . " I just came in to see if he 's made any progress since this morning . Kel gave him some antibiotics , but they haven 't helped yet . We 've tried injections , Aspirin , every kind of pill you can imagine , and nothing 's worked . " A few days passed . Mike had been in the radio station for the time , pinch hitting for Jerry . He was making tapes for them for times when he didn 't feel up to coming in , since they were having a heck of a time finding replacements . But Mike dedicated the shows to stuff Jerry would play . There was no mention of the Beatles anywhere . After he made a tape one day , he went to Rampart . He passed the front desk , went straight for the elevator , and then headed for 345 . When he got there , he got the shock of his life . There was an IV tube stuck in Jerry 's arm . " What 's the big idea puttin ' Jerry on chemo ? ! " Mike yelled . He wasn 't about to keep his voice down . Not after what he found out . " Look , Mike , I didn 't say he had any form of cancer , " Dr . Brackett continued . " I 'm just trying to get this out of his system and out of Rampart . Maybe the chemo will work . " Mike didn 't believe that for a second . He just knew all the chemotherapy was going to do was just make Jerry even more sick to his stomach , and cause his hair to fall out , but he didn 't say a word . Yet . A few more days went by . Mike was already seeing a drastic change in Jerry 's appearance . He looked thinner , and his hair had definitely seen better days . " The chemo doesn 't have anything to do with his weight loss , Mike . Jerry hasn 't been eating . That 's why he 's losing weight . " Mike nodded . He had no idea how long Jerry would have to remain on chemotherapy , but he hoped it wasn 't for long . Another week went by . Mike was back at Rampart . Lynn saw him heading for the elevator and ran over to him . " We took Jerry off the chemo . It wasn 't working . Carole told Dr . Brackett that you said all it was going to do was make him sicker and cause his hair to fall out . And you were right . " Mike went up to 345 and walked into the room . Jerry was actually awake for once , but he was staring at the ceiling . Mike got a good look at him . He was about as skinny as he was the week after Dr . Brackett put Jerry on chemo , and he had some kind of scarf tied around his head . Jerry sighed . The whole thing was driving him crazy . Mike got up and left the scene . It had been a month since Jerry was bit by the mosquito , and he hadn 't improved one bit . Not only was it wearing on Mike 's nerves , Hank was being driven crazy by the entire thing himself . Every day , he 'd spend at least an hour at Rampart with Jerry , which really surprised the heck out of Mike . But he didn 't say anything about it . He was worried he would get in trouble with the chief . " No , McConnikee 's not leaving , unfortunately , " Hank said . " He 's the Battalion Chief . We 're getting a new chief chief . " The time came too soon . Hank left for Rampart when Chief McConnikee and the new chief , Milton LaRoc , arrived for a surprise inspection of Station 51 . Everybody sort of tensed up . They were nervous about the entire check . " Well , everything seems to be in order in the station , " he said . " Nice and clean . Just how I like it . Now , let 's look over the men . " " Yes sir ! " Paul shouted , straightening up . When LaRoc wasn 't looking , Paul gave him the dirtiest look he could muster . LaRoc didn 't notice . He went to Bill Lohen next . " Yes sir , " he said . LaRoc walked away then . Dan felt like hurling something at Lohen , for some strange reason . LaRoc didn 't notice . He turned to T . J . and grew wide - eyed . He gave the fireman / paramedic a strange look . " Yes , I know , " McConnikee said . " These men . . . . wait a minute . Five you said ? There 's supposed to be six ! Not counting the dog . " " Let 's see , " LaRoc said . " Wilcox , Jacobs , Dunbar , Redford , Lohen . . . . Stanley ! All right men , where 's your captain ? " " Those twits they 've got for interns don 't know anything , " he said . " Dr . Brackett , Lynn , and Dr . Early should be the ones to handle this case , and not the interns ! What 's the matter with them ? ! " McConnikee and LaRoc just stared at Hank as if he was crazy . Then they left , deciding they 'd handle the situation another time . Everybody thought Hank would only go visit Jerry at Rampart on his days off . Surprisingly , he continued to go through the routine of ducking out for an hour . Mike was really surprised . Hank nodded , and he and Mike left . They weren 't exactly sure what they were going to do about this , but they 'd figure something out . Or so Mike hoped . Jerry was in bad shape . He slept all the time , and only woke up for a full duration of two minutes . And if that wasn 't bad enough , he was starting to have nightmares . The radio was on , and Frank Sinatra 's " Strangers in the Night " was playing . Jerry heard it vividly . Slowly , he opened his eyes , and he could barely make out three figures standing over him . " Yeah , well , " Sammy said . " We hang out with Harpo , Chico , Groucho , and Zeppo every weekend up there , you know . You hang around them for awhile , and see how sane you are ! " With that , the Rat Pack went off , singing three hits simultaneously . Jerry just sat there , staring at them , nervously . That was enough to wake him up ! He shot up with a start , and then groaned . He began to massage his forehead . Dixie walked in to check on him . " I just had the worst dream , " Jerry said . " Sammy Davis Jr , Dean Martin , and Frank Sinatra were here . They told me if I didn 't shape up soon , my next gig would be at the Pearly Gates . " " Jerry , that was just a nightmare , " Dixie said . " Things like that just don 't happen . I can promise you , your next gig won 't be at the Pearly Gates . " " A month ? ! I 've been sick a month ? ! And I 'm not making any progress . . . . . I 'm not getting any better . . . . . you should just shoot me and put me out of my misery ! " Dixie sighed , and left . Jerry sighed as well . The whole thing was driving him crazy . Mike wasn 't a barrel of laughs himself . He constantly went over movie scripts for some reason or another . Mike began to massage his forehead . The whole concept was driving him completely insane . Two weeks went by . Mike was constantly in and out of the hospital . Hank was , too . He had managed to convince McConikee and LaRoc that family was more important than work , and they actually let him get away with what he was doing , as long as he carried around a radio , just in case of a fire or something . Mike and Dr . Brackett agreed on that and stopped arguing . For the time being . For the next week , Mike went back and forth between room 345 and the front desk , getting updates . Finally , exactly two weeks later , just as they reached the two month mark , they finally got a breakthrough . Mike was about to come into Rampart , and Lynn ran into him , and knocked him off his feet . " Yeah , but we still want to keep him here for a little while longer . We 've got more good news , too . His hair 's finally looking okay . " Mike nodded , and went up to 345 . He entered the room and saw that Jerry ( for once ) wasn 't sleeping . He was sitting up , reading a book . " Eh , I 'm not worried . My hair will probably grow back fully anyway . So what have you been doing when you 're not in here ? " " Not much . Bob doesn 't want to do a movie . Davy wants us to do one , just to keep us goin ' , I guess . I can 't really concentrate on anythin ' . " " Oh gosh , I completely forgot . Well , I 'm not in the hospital , per se . Jerry is . One of those mosquitoes stowed away in my backpack , and it bit Jerry , so he 's in here , not me . I 'm just hangin ' out with him , you know ? " " I was supposed to visit Sabrina and my aunts this month , " Mike explained . " I completely forgot about it . I 'm supposed to leave tomorrow mornin ' . " " Mike , look , I 'm okay . Really . I 'm not as sick I was two months ago . Besides , I 've got a phone . Go ahead and call whenever . " Mike wasn 't so sure . He couldn 't shake the worrying feeling . Morning rolled around . Mike made a quick stop at Rampart before he had to get to the airport . " I want to give you my aunts ' number , " he said , handing a piece of paper to Lynn . " Jerry already knows the number , in case he wants to call me . And I 'm givin ' it to you guys to keep me posted . " Mike got the drift . He was off . Lynn shook her head and sighed . There were times when Mike completely drove her crazy . At any rate , Mike went directly to the airport , really wishing he had borrowed Bob 's or Quacky 's cell phones . The flight was long , and nerve wracking . He also wished he would 've gone through the Other Realm to get to Boston , but it was too late for that now . Besides , he knew his aunts and his cousin would be waiting for him at the airport . The plane finally landed . Mike grabbed his stuff out of the overhead bin once the plane had come to a complete stop , and then practically ran off the plane . He ran through the gate , and then looked around for a moment or so . Then he used his magic to scan the crowd . There was no trace of his family , so he went directly to the nearest payphone . He checked his watch . It was three o ' clock East Coast time , which meant it was probably one o ' clock West Coast . He put a quarter in the phone and dialed Rampart . " Hey Carole , it 's me , " Mike said . " I 'm callin ' from the airport . I 'm just , you know , checkin ' in . " " Look , he 's about the same as he was when you left , okay ? There 's not much we can do about this . Why don 't you ask Zelda about this sort of thing ? She 's a scientist , you know . " " I know he would have liked to , " Sabrina said . " But he said he 'd be here . Look , maybe he hasn 't gotten off the plane yet . " Mike nodded . He didn 't want to bring up the subject . He was already a wreck . The car ride home was a quiet one . The three witches decided to humor Mike , since he liked doing a lot of things the mortal way , and he couldn 't just zap himself to appear anywhere , anyway . Mike sat down on the couch . Sabrina sat down next to him , and the two of them turned on the TV . There probably wasn 't anything on , but it didn 't matter to them . They weren 't really watching . Sabrina was dying to ask about Jerry , but she didn 't want to push Mike . Finally , Salem spoke up . " He wanted to know if you landed okay , " he said . " You know , got here all right . I told him you haven 't gotten here yet . He thought you skipped the flight after I told him you weren 't here . " " Hello , Warren ? " she said . " It 's Zelda . Yes , Mike just got here . Was he all right when he left ? He seems sort of withdrawn . Nervous ? What about ? Well , what 's wrong with Jerry ? Oh , you 're kidding ! Yes , I 'll ask him about this . Okay . Bye . " " I promised myself I wouldn 't worry about Jerry too much over this trip , " Mike replied . " Of course , it isn 't workin ' . I was gonna skip the flight , but I didn 't . " " Remember back in January when Mike and I went camping in the Other Realm , Aunt Hilda ? " Sabrina asked . " Well , an Other Realm mosquito stowed away in Mike 's bag , and it got loose in LA . " " They gave him every pill imaginable , " Mike said . " And Dr . Moron put him on chemotherapy . All that did was make him more sick . And lose his hair . But that 's Brackett for ya . " " No , " Zelda said . " I can 't . I 've never dealt with this sort of thing before . I 'm sorry , Mike . But I 'll get in touch with Kate . She seems to know everything . " Mike wasn 't listening . His mind was too far away from the world . The next day happened to be a Monday . Sabrina had to go to school . Mike stood up , and followed Sabrina out the door . The two of them headed for Westbridge High School then . The halls were packed as usual . People were rushing back and forth to their lockers , and inside classrooms . Sabrina nodded and stopped at her locker . She began fiddling with the dial , and Mike stepped away for a moment to looked around . After awhile , Sabrina 's best friend , Valerie Berkhead , ran over . " Yeah , he 's over there by the drinking fountain , " Sabrina said . " Val , I have to warn you . . . . Mike 's not really . . . . up to this visit . So keep the swooning to a minimum . " " Right here in the school , " Sabrina said . " But he 's not feeling quite like himself , and the last thing he wants is attention being called to him . See , what happened was . . . . . " The bell rang before Sabrina could explain what was going on , but she promised to fill them in during lunch . She retrieved Mike and the two of them went to their first class . Mike basically staid in the back of all the classrooms , trying not to attract any unnecessary attention to himself . Lunchtime rolled around . Mike and Sabrina entered the cafeteria and headed for the line . The two of them quickly got out of line and sat down . " No , " Sabrina said . " Look , I 'd better tell you fast before he comes back . See , a couple of months ago , his best friend , Jerry , got really sick , and had to go to the hospital , and he 's been there since . " " Yeah , very sick , " Sabrina said . " They didn 't make any progress until the other day . Mike had to be talked into coming up here to visit . He 's trying to get his mind off Jerry . " " Well , " Westbridge High School 's head cheerleader ( and number one snob ) , Libby Chessler , said . " If he 's a friend of your cousin , Sabrina , it 's no surprise he 's in the hospital . Freak . I 'll bet your cousin 's a freak , too . If he 's related to you , that is . " " Libby , " Sabrina said . " Butt out , okay ? I don 't have time to deal with you . And I wouldn 't call my cousin a freak to his face . He 's got a temper the size of Texas . " " That 's because it is Mike Nesmith of the Monkees , " Mike said , coming over to the table . He sat down , and passed around sodas to Sabrina , Valerie , and Harvey . Then he opened his own and began to drink it . Everybody was staring at the table . That was basically the end of the lunchtime conversation then and there . Things weren 't going very well elsewhere , either . Zelda was working at her laptop laboratory , trying to develop something Mike could take back to Los Angeles for Jerry . Hilda was at an audition with her violin , and Salem was laying by the phone . It rang at about noon , during the school 's lunchtime . Salem pushed the button . " Normally , I 'd think you 'd need a CAT scan after telling me the cat picked up the phone , but since you are Mike 's aunt , after all , I 'll let it slide . Where 's Mike ? I gotta talk to him . " " That was a couple of days ago , Ms . Spellman , you understand that . Will you tell that to Mike for me ? I think he should know . " That was all it took . Everybody left Mike alone after that , except , of course , the vice principal , Mr . Kraft . He walked by , handing out detention slips . He ripped off one and handed it to Sabrina . " You can 't give me detention , " Mike said , calmly . " I 'm twenty - three years old . I don 't go to high school . I 'm just visitin ' . " Mike nodded , and snapped his fingers . When Mr . Kraft opened the door to his office , a bucket of water emptied all over him . Everybody began to laugh . Mike laughed . The final bell rang , and the two cousins headed back to the house . The two of them walked inside , talking and laughing about what happened . " We finally got Libby good , " Sabrina said . " She called Mike a freak , and then realized she just called Mike Nesmith a freak ! Boy , was her face red ! And he really gave Mr . Kraft what he deserved ! " " No , Sabrina , " Mike said . " It 's bad news . I can smell bad news a mile off . Even before I knew I was a witch , I could smell bad news a mile away . " " Well , you 're right , " Zelda said . " It is bad news . Jerry 's fever went up a couple of degrees . His temperature is now a hundred and four . " " That 's the bright side ? " Mike asked . " Jerry 's been sick two months , and we can 't get his fever down , nobody knows what to do . . . . . I don 't even know why you bothered to tell me ! " A few hours went by . Mike still hadn 't come out of his room . Zelda went to check on him . She slowly opened the door , and found him laying on his stomach on his bed . " No . I 'm worried . I 'm too worried . I can 't think straight . What 's gonna happen if they can 't get Jerry 's fever down ? " " You don 't know that for sure . I don 't even know that for sure . I may be psychic , but I can 't see into the future . I think that 's a different kind of psychic . Aunt Zelda , I 'm really scared . Jerry hasn 't improved at all , and I honestly think I should be there instead of here . " " You know what ? I think it 's a little too nerve wracking for you to be here right now , what with Jerry in the hospital and all . I think maybe you should go back to California . " Zelda managed to get Mike on the next flight out leaving that night . They went to the airport right away . It was only about four in the afternoon when Mike arrived in Los Angeles . Warren and Carole were waiting for him . The three hailed a cab , and headed to Rampart General Hospital right away . Mike went directly to room 345 . Jerry was asleep again . He woke up once Mike entered the room . " It 's me , " Mike said . " Lynn said your fever went up . It was too nerve wrackin ' for me to be in Massachusetts , and you bein ' here . " Jerry laughed over that one , and went back to sleep . It was an agonizing process . The waiting was driving him completely insane . The weeks passed . Mike walked into Rampart one morning , just as Dr . Brackett checked off something on his calendar . " I don 't know ! I can 't keep track of all your aunts ! She said she was going to get with Kate and they were going to try to mix up something for Jerry . " " I don 't know what 's going on with him . His fever went down , then it went back up , then down , then up . . . . I don 't know . " " This is a very tricky illness , doc . I can 't explain it any better than you . We 're not even sure what it is . " " That 's not why I 'm depressed . It 's April fifth . Linda 's birthday is the ninth , and it doesn 't look like I 'm gonna be out of here for it . " " Definitely not , " he replied , shaking his head . " Still runnin ' a fever there . A yo - yo fever , accordin ' to Dr . Brackett . " " Aunt Zelda decided to come up with me , " Sabrina said . " She and Aunt Kate are going back and forth . They 're here using the lab here . Joe let them do that . " " Yeah , a little , " Jerry said . " I still feel pretty lousy , though . But I 'm doing a lot better than I was back in January and February . " Mike and Sabrina left . They went up to the lab . Kate and Zelda were looking at things through test tubes . Joe was looking through some paperwork they were filling out . " Lynn kicked us out , " Sabrina said . " So we thought we 'd come in and take a look around . See what you guys were doing . " " I 'm afraid so , " Joe replied . " That 's why Lynn kicked you out . She was going to draw some blood and bring it back here . " Both Mike and Sabrina groaned . They didn 't like getting shots at all , and they knew a lot of other people who would rather get teeth pulled than get a shot . But then again , they didn 't want to get sick , either , just in case another Other Realm mosquito happened to show up , and brought reinforcements . " I don 't , " Quacky said . " I was at the supermarket , and I found that at the checkout stand . I had to show it to you . " Sabrina looked over Mike 's shoulder to see the paper . There was a picture of Jerry back from January , when he was a complete wreck . The story inside the paper was pretty accurate , for a tabloid . Mike immediately went to a payphone and called to voice his opinions to the tabloid . But the tabloids weren 't the only ones who had reported this story . The nightly news began running stories as well . Mike called the newsroom and gave them an update about Kate and Zelda 's work in creating a vaccine or something . Zelda reproduced the vaccine magically , and then began to send it out to doctors offices all over the country . Many of them began driving around schools , in order to get the kids vaccinated as quickly as possible . Carson High was one of the first stops . Every so often , the PA system came on and called for seniors with last names B - D , E - H , so on and so on . It was very complicated . Another month had gone by . Mike began marking it on his calendar as well . It was now May . Jerry had been stuck in Rampart for four months . Hank was being driven absolutely insane . " Not that good of news , " Joe said . " But Kate did come up with a serum for Jerry . It won 't kill the bug he 's got entirely , but it should help . " There was no way around it . Joe , Mike , and Hank went up to 345 . Jerry was sort of fiddling around with the TV in his room . Mike nodded . Joe left then . Hank sighed and began to massage his forehead . Nobody said that this was going to be easy . During wait , Mike spent more time at Screen Gems . Bob tried to get him interested in a movie , but he downright refused to do one . Phyllis was over at the radio station , filling in for Jerry , and trying to pick up some extra money , because of Mike paying half of Jerry 's hospital bills . Carole began pitching in , as well . She told Dr . Brackett to take it out of half her paycheck . Other than that , things were the same as ever . Both Mike and Reggie approached Rampart one day . They were planning on dropping in on Jerry , and then heading towards Sarah 's who was planning a huge birthday bash for Reggie . The two of them went up to 345 . When they walked in , they noticed something a little out of the ordinary . Apparently , a lot of Jerry 's friends in the music business had heard about his illness and began to send flowers , get well cards , and the like . " Well , from this morning . . . . " Jerry said , thinking it over for a moment . " Darlene Love , Aretha Franklin , Mary Wilson , and Martha Reeves . I also got cards from Dion , Frankie Avalon , and Jerry Butler . " " Well , we were just droppin ' by to see how you were , " Mike said . " We 're headin ' to Sarah 's . She 's throwin ' a birthday party for Reggie three days early . " " They still hurt , " Jerry said . " I feel like a pin cushion . They 're sticking the needle in my arm twice a day , and I still feel lousy . " Jerry nodded . Mike got up and left . Things were just driving him absolutely nuts . He didn 't know what happened at the party Sarah was throwing . His mind wasn 't on anything at the time , except Jerry . He had told Jerry not to think about what would happen if he wasn 't out of there by July , but now Mike couldn 't get the thought out of his head . He decided not to tell anyone at the time . June rolled around . Mike was marking off the days on his calendar . So was Linda . School was out for the summer , so she could devote her spare time to her job at the mall . She was working at the music store , stocking CD 's , and sometimes working at the checkout counter . She was pretty good at doing that . Mike walked in on her . Mike began to look through CDs then , trying to get his mind off Jerry . That was easier said than done , however . A few weeks went by . In just a couple of days , it would be July 3 , Jerry 's birthday , and as far as he knew , Jerry was still stuck in the hospital . Mike dropped in on Jerry , just as Lynn was through giving an injection . Jerry groaned as Lynn took the needle out . " I know it hurts , Jerry , but you have to have these injections , " Lynn said . Jerry didn 't respond . He just closed his eyes and moaned . " I nearly forgot . Bob had it planned for months , but we 've never gotten around to it . I 've got a lot on my mind these days . " " I hope so . But in all honesty , how bad are those injections gettin ' ? Sounded like you were in a lot of pain when Lynn was in here . " Jerry laughed sarcastically , and went to sleep . Mike heaved a sigh , and stood up . He went down to the front desk and found Dixie , Lynn , and Carole . The girls nodded , and Mike went back upstairs . Jerry was still asleep , completely zonked out . Mike sat down in his usual chair . He carefully looked over Jerry , and then put his hand on the Geator 's forehead . He took it away quickly , and did a quick scan . Mike had a feeling Jerry 's temperature was probably back up to 106 . He lifted him off the bed , and practically ran down the hall . He knew there was some sort of unit for just such an emergency , but he wasn 't exactly sure where that was . Now wasn 't the time to think it over . He just run into the lab and snapped his fingers . Some kind of washtub appeared , filled with cold water . Quickly , Mike submerged Jerry into it , hospital gown and all . By that time , Joe and Carole ran in . Joe didn 't seem to want an explanation then . He kneeled down and took a thermometer out of his lab coat pocket . He stuck it into Jerry 's mouth and waited for three minutes . He took it out and looked at it . " A hundred and five , " he said . " I 'm guessing it went down a little when you submerged him . I can only imagine what it was before then . " Carole left . Mike snapped his fingers , and a sponge appeared in his hand . He dunked it into the washtub and began to run it across Jerry 's forehead . Quickly , Kate appeared in the lab . " Okay , let 's see what you 've got here , " Kate said . Then she saw the bruise on his arm . " Okay , no more needles . I 'll see if Zelda and I can develop somethin ' you can swallow . " " You go back to sleep , Jerry , " Joe said . " We 'll figure something out . Mike , you 'd better leave . We may have to do some more tests on Jerry . " Mike left . On his way out , he looked over his shoulder . Kate was taking the IV tube and getting some medicine out of it . Joe was taking another needle , and about ready to plunge it into Jerry 's other arm , in order to take yet another blood test . He turned around , sighed , and then headed out . From Rampart , he walked over to the studio and put on a pair of headphones . " Yeah . His temperature spiked up to about a hundred and six , maybe higher . I don 't know . I submerged him into cold water before I could check . The injections stopped workin ' , and now needles hurt him . " " That 's the understatement of the year . Aunt Kate 's workin ' on it as we speak , and she may enlist Aunt Zelda to give her a hand . I don 't know what 's gonna happen . Jerry 's been real depressed , too . " " All right , low key . But you 're going to have to tell Sarah not to bake a cake for Jerry . He won 't be able to eat it . " " Good point , " Drake said . " Well , a low key party is better than no party at all . His records are still in his room , aren 't they ? " The group nodded . For the next couple of days , Mike made a couple of phone calls to plan one low key party . He did most of the planning at the studio . Mike glared at Micky , and then went back to work planning the party . July 3 came around . Mike walked into Jerry 's room . He found Jerry laying there , throwing darts at a dart board that was hanging on the wall . The low key party was underway . After about an hour , everybody was forced to clear out . Dr . Brackett came into the room , wanting to do some more tests . " Okay , " Phyllis said . " Jerry , don 't worry about your show , it 's in good hands . But I can 't want until you get back to work , and neither can your audience . " Jerry laughed and Phyllis left . The others left as well . Mike walked outside , and waited for Dr . Brackett to come out and tell him when he could go back in . Dr . Brackett closed the door once everyone was out . Mike carefully opened the door and watched . He wanted to know exactly what Dr . Brackett was going to do . Dr . Brackett pulled out his thermometer and stuck it in Jerry 's mouth . After that , he took out the blood pressure cuff and fastened it around Jerry 's arm . After awhile , he took the thermometer out of Jerry 's mouth . " Because I had a dream awhile back . Frank Sinatra , Sammy Davis Jr , and Dean Martin were in here , and they told me my next gig would be at the Pearly Gates if I didn 't shape up . I want to know if you 're getting at something similar . " " But it 's a possibility , isn 't it ? I mean , you 've used every possible medicine known to man on me . I 've swallowed pills , syrups , taken injections , gone under radiation . . . . . I might as well just call it quits right now ! " " Mike , I don 't know . This is a very trying case . Whenever it looks like he 's improving , something happens , and he gets worse , then he starts getting better again , and then he starts getting worse again . " Mike and Dr . Brackett went to the elevator , and then walked into Dr . Brackett 's office . Dr . Brackett sat down behind his desk . Mike just staid where he was , folding his arms across his chest . " All right . Like I said , every time Jerry shows the slightest sign of improvement , something happens , and he gets worse . His fever is going up again , and I just don 't know how to bring it down . Aspirin isn 't working , and those injections your aunts came up with haven 't been working since last month . Mike , I honestly think he 's not going to make it past August . " Dr . Brackett nodded , and Mike left . He picked up the nearest phone and dialed around to tell them what he knew . No one could believe it , and Linda didn 't want to believe it . " I can 't believe you , Mike ! Jerry 's own best friend thinking that he 's gonna die ! Well I have news for you . Jerry 's gonna make it . I just know he is ! " " Same thing that 's the matter with Mike , " Christine said . " Jerry again . Dr . Brackett 's giving him until August , and Mike 's giving him until October . " " It does , but a lot of good it does us mortals . At any rate , I 'll see if I can find Kate . Come on in . " " That 's exactly what I wanted to talk to your aunt about . I also wanted to know if they knew for sure what was going to happen to Jerry . I heard you were giving him until October . Linda 's a bit upset with you on that subject , by the way . " " If he doesn 't come out of this , then I am . Believe me , Cap , I don 't want Jerry to die . If he does , I know Linda will be destroyed , and frankly , so will I . I will be so out of it , it won 't even be funny . How 's Linda been handlin ' this anyway ? " " Well , she doesn 't worry like you do . She 's in denial . She 's optimistic , saying Jerry 's going to get better . She can 't afford to worry , anyway , considering the monthly hospital bills . Chris is working , Linda 's working , I 'm pulling double shifts , your insurance is paying , my insurance is paying , you 're paying . . . . . I gotta tell you , Mike , something 's gotta give and it 's gotta give soon . " That was an idea . The next day , Kate brought the medicine to Rampart and explained everything to them . They weren 't exactly keen on the idea of more injections . Kate didn 't answer , but she didn 't need to . Her silence said it all . Joe didn 't hesitate . He took the medicine from Kate , and filled a syringe with it . Then he walked up to Jerry 's room . Jerry saw the needle and moaned . " I 'm sorry , Jerry , but it 's the only way to give you your medicine , " Joe said . " I know it 's going to hurt , but I have to give it to you . You want to get better , don 't you ? " Jerry sighed and let Joe inject the medicine . He groaned as the needle went in , and came out , but there was nothing he could do about it . Kate walked into the room just then , in order to get a good look at his arm . " Let me see where that needle 's been goin ' in , " she said , looking at his arm . " Hmm . The bruise isn 't as big as Michael said it was . " Jerry nodded . He wanted to trust her , but he wasn 't so sure he was going to be fine . It went on like that for about three more months . It was now October . The injections were helping , but only a little . Mike spent more time at Rampart than anywhere else . Jerry quickly learned that Mike didn 't think he 'd last until October , and he was sore at him . Mike stood up and stormed out . Jerry glared at him , and threw a dart at his dart board . He knew Mike was stressed , and yelling at him wouldn 't help matters . He had to apologize for taking his frustrations out on him . But Jerry just couldn 't wait until he came back , if he came back . He sighed , threw the blanket off him , and prepared to stand up . He had to grab onto the side of the bed for support . He felt like his legs were made out of Jell - O . He inched his way towards the door , using both the bed , chair , and door jamb to lean up . The minute he took one step without holding onto something , he collapsed . On his way down , he hit a metal cart , which sent it flying towards the wall . CRASH ! That seemed to bring every doctor and nurse in that hallway over . Thankfully , the nurse to reach Jerry first was Dixie . " Uh huh , " he said . " I didn 't realize I was still too weak to walk . But I had to find you , Mike , and apologize . I 'm just frustrated . " Mike crossed his fingers and walked off . He got in touch with Linda to tell her the news , and then both of them spread the word . Linda spread it around school . The others just laughed . After school , Linda went directly to Rampart . She wanted to see how Jerry was doing . She went up to room 345 and found Jerry , Reggie , and Mike throwing darts at the dart board . They had posted a picture of Chief LaRoc on it and were having a field day . Paul Dunbar had loaned them the picture , and told them to have a field day . Reggie aimed carefully and tossed . " Huh ? " Jerry asked , somewhat startled , and threw the dart directly at Linda . Luckily it missed and hit the wall , although it did pin some of her hair to the wall . Linda threw the dart , but her aim was more off than Jerry 's . It ended up in the hallway , and hit the wall . Of course , Dr . Brackett yanked it out of the wall , and returned it into the room . " Well , you can 't leave just yet . Your fever 's stuck at a hundred and two , but we 're doing what we can . If we can get it down to a hundred and one , then I think we 'll be able to send you home . " Jerry shrugged and got out of bed . He was holding onto the sides of the bed . He let go and took a step , and nearly landed flat on his face again , but this time Mike and Linda caught him before he could crash to the ground . A week went by since then . Jerry was doing a lot better , with the exception of his legs . They still felt like they were made out of gelatin , but Dixie solved the problem of Jerry 's restlessness . She had brought in a walker for him whenever he wanted to get up and stretch . " Yeah , good news is always followed by bad news . The bad news is Dr . Brackett said I may have to wear leg braces for awhile after I get out of here . I 've been sick for so long , my legs won 't be able to take the weight . " Jerry smiled . He was showing a vast improvement . Joe had taken him off the liquid diet , and he was now on solid food , which Mike considered to be a relief , because now Jerry wasn 't so skinny anymore . His hair was still a little short in the front , but Mike thought it looked fine . He had gotten used to Jerry with dark red hair instead of dark brown hair , but he wondered if he was going to dye it back to it 's original color . Mike laughed . December rolled around . Jerry was still at a hundred and two , but it was slowly going down . Nobody dared take him off his medicine . They weren 't taking any chances . One day , Hank and Linda were hanging around the front desk . " That 's just so he can stretch , " Mike explained , pulling a book off a shelf . He began leafing through it . " He told me they were gonna give him leg braces when he 's released . " The Stanleys laughed and then finished up their shopping . Mike did the same . The next morning around ten o ' clock , Mike met the Stanleys arrived at Rampart General Hospital , and went directly up to room 345 . Imagine their complete shock when they found it completely empty . Mike began to get a lump in his throat . He was worried something serious had happened . He had no idea where Dixie was leading him , or the Stanleys . They were just about as nervous as he was . Dixie led them into a room and then smiled . Inside was a bunch of kids all gathered around Joe , who was dressed in a Santa Claus suit . Lynn was also wearing a Santa hat and passing out toys to the kids . Jerry was standing there , helping her . " Oh god , Jerry , you had us scared to death ! " Mike yelled . Then he noticed something . " Hey , you 're standin ' up without your walker . " " Yeah , I know , " Jerry said . Then he walked over to a chair and sat down . " Lynn and Dr . Early put on the leg braces yesterday . They 're gonna take some getting used to , but they 'll be better than using a wheelchair or crutches . " Mike jumped up . He felt like singing . He got so excited , he raised his hands into the air , and a blast of magic shot out of his finger tips , lighting up the Christmas tree in the room with a spectacular display of colored lights . All the kids thought it was impressive . Mike smiled sheepishly . He had to spread the word to the others . January rolled around . Jerry was finally getting released . Hank went to Rampart to pick him up . " There are just a few more things you need to do , Jerry , " Dr . Brackett said . " Go easy on running and dancing . It 's good for your legs , but it might be a little rough on the braces . " " Nope , " Carole said . " If you want to go swimming , go ahead . Water can 't hurt the braces . But if they should break while you 're swimming . . . . " " She wanted to drop by Screen Gems and give the word , " Hank said . " Why don 't we go over there ? I think she 's still there , unless Mike gave her a ride home . "

Frank was strapped into his seat ; he was one of the lucky ones . The trip was a way out , a way off this planet , out of the country that had abandoned him . Everything from the past was going to be forgotten , which was good for him . He would either spend ten years in a cell , or five years on the moon . The moon was a sure bet . There wasn 't going to be any worrying about dropping the soap or getting shanked in his sleep . Not only that , but his family would be getting paid , paid well . What could be better ? He had always wanted to go into space , now he had gotten a free trip , all expenses paid from the government . Twenty years ago , it was just a pipe dream , going into space . Now , it was the lesser of two evils . Even though these trips had been happening for the past six months without problems , he was nervous . He remembered all the disasters that had happened in the early years ; he was a teen in 1999 so the really early problems were before him . He was still too young to remember the Challenger , but he had watched the videos . Then , there was the Columbia disaster , which he did remember . Sweat was starting to form on Frank 's brow . He looked over to the officers that were in the shuttle with him . One was smiling , a small comfort , but welcome nonetheless . The other was stony as always . Frank wouldn 't be the first convicted person on the moon . That was how the government was doing it ; they would give the option to go to prison or to go to the moon and work on building civilization for future use . Granted it was dangerous , but no more dangerous than being in prison . In fact , the likelihood of being fatally harmed was much slimmer on the moon . There was never anyone who had murdered someone allowed to go , which brought down the man - made death to nil , at least in terms of people murdering each other . There will always be accidents ; that was just a way of life and it didn 't matter what rock a person was on , they couldn 't avoid it . The countdown started . Frank closed his eyes and the memories started to project on the back of his eyelids . It was not his proudest moment ; there was just no other options that he could think of , and his family was starving . It was a bad time for the country ; it still is . There is still more unemployment than there was since the great recession . Frank never thought they had truly gotten out of that era . The government would say that they had , but it seemed like inflated numbers and lies . It was different from the days he remembered as a child . Maybe that was because he was young , but there was some major differences that he couldn 't have overlooked as a young boy . The biggest of all was that the US didn 't have a president any more . The leader was elected for life . For the past five years , the same man was in office , and he would still be in office when he returned . The shuttle started to shake as it was propelled off the ground . Even though Frank could see out a window , he didn 't want to . The speed of the shuttle was far greater than he wanted to experience . It wasn 't long until they were passing the atmosphere . Then and only then , did Frank feel it safe to open his eyes . Officer Steel was unbuckling his harness , the other officer was already floating around the shuttle . The fear Frank was feeling had turned into enthusiasm . " It would be like flying , " he thought . He floated around for hours , a smile plastered on his face . Steel came to him a few times to try and talk , but the happiness Frank was feeling was too strong to be interrupted by anything . He only wished his children could be here with him . For the first time in his life , he felt like he had achieved something worthwhile . Dinner wasn 't as good as it may have been in prison . Not only that , but the pilot had turned on the gravity , so he wasn 't able to have the joy of eating floating orbs of food , which may have been wise of the captain . He said if they would just float around , everyone would start getting sick , and start to lose reality with how life was on a planet . There had to be some downsides to choosing space instead of prison . Besides the food and no longer being about to float around , not being able to see his family every day was going to be hard . It would make it slightly easier if he was able to talk to them , but that wasn 't an option until the first three months were over , and then he would only be able to call them once a month . " You have been convicted . You should be in a cell , not given the opportunity of a lifetime . There are much more qualified people who should be going to do this mission . What was it that you were ? Oh , right . A garbage man . There isn 't much use for that on the moon , wouldn 't you say so ? " The next morning Frank was happy to see that Walters wasn 't in the mess hall as he went to get his breakfast , Steel was though . Franks sat near him and they started talking . It was good to have someone that didn 't look down on him as if he was worth less than the grime on the bottom of his shoe . " It doesn 't matter , I 'll be free of him shortly . How long is this trip again ? " Frank started eating once he finished his question . " Three days , seven hours and fifteen minutes . Hey Frank , why did you do it ? You have a family and had a life . There must have been a way to get money that wouldn 't have put you in this situation . Assault with a deadly weapon and robbing a group of people at a mall . How much did you think you would get ? " " I didn 't have much of a choice , I was the only person who was making money in my household . The wife couldn 't work , not with the baby . Even if she could , we wouldn 't be able to afford a babysitter . I was only able to make enough to keep us from starving . Then I lost my job . The money was gone quicker than I thought it would have been . " There wasn 't much more of a motive than that , and Frank didn 't think there needed to be any more of a reason than that . He did what he did because he felt he had to , that was what he wanted to tell Steel . He just couldn 't bring himself to be so rude to the man . He was the only one that gave him the time of day on this shuttle . He hoped that once he got to the moon , it would be different . " This is a very special mission you 're on , in the next ten years the government projects that we will have an atmosphere around the moon . It will make it easier to work there . That is where you come in , it will be your job to work with the scientist to make this atmosphere . You will also be building houses for people to live in when they start coming , and they will be coming in waves , you know . There is so much money to be had on the moon , I may even retire and go to the moon to make some good money for once . " Frank believed him . There was a lot of money to be made there : mining , construction , technologies , agricultural prospects and more . Each of these things will be needed once people start to come to the moon . It was the escape that people needed for years , now it was just starting to become a reality . It made him feel like a pioneer from early America or better yet , an explorer from Spain or England . " I think that I will like it on the moon . It would be better if I could see my family or at least talk to them when I get there . Let them know that I am safe . " Frank waited , his eyes fixed on Steel . " Just one phone call . Please , that is all I want . I just want them to know I am safe . To hear their voices once more . " He knew this . There was no point in trying to get a call , he can now see that there was no way he would be able to get that from his guards . Ten years would be a long time away from his family . Steel was his only chance at getting an early call , and it was clear that he wouldn 't disobey his orders . Even if he would , it would take longer than two days to get him to agree with it . It was also nice to have someone to talk to , and Frank felt if he impinged too much , that person would clam up . So it was easier to just drop the subject . Walters only stood near the door waiting for Frank to leave . He had made it clear that he wouldn 't sit until Frank was out of the room . Frank , didn 't want to cause any trouble , but he also didn 't feel like he had to leave . Frank had to swallow his rage . Biting his cheek , he rose . Walters had a smile ; he was waiting for Frank to crack , to hit him . That would be a bad idea and Frank knew it . First , Walters was much larger than him . Second , it would only add to the time that he would be incarcerated and would earn him a trip back to earth . It didn 't matter what rock you were on , assaulting an officer was a crime . He didn 't slam his fist on the table , though he wanted to . He only stood , cleaned his plate and left after bidding farewell to Steel . Walters tried to stand in his way , just one more way to push him to the breaking point . Frank wouldn 't allow this man to win . He was just like the bullies that his children had to deal with at school . He would have to deal with him how he taught his children to handle bullies . Ignore them until they left him alone , unless they laid a finger on them ; that would be a different story . He taught his children just as his dad had taught him , don 't hit first , but if someone hits you , you better make sure that they know not to do it again . But in this case , he wouldn 't be able to do that . If Walters decided to hit him , he would have to attack a different way . He would have to go to the supervisors with a complaint . If that didn 't work , then it would have to keep going up the line until someone would listen , even if he had to take it all the way to the press , which would love a story like that . Frank stayed in his room for most of the day . He needed to calm down , but no matter how hard he tried , his mind would just go back to Walters . There was no reason for him to be so nasty . He was just a power - hungry cop , a pig . Now , it made sense why the gangsters used to call cops pigs . If most of them were like Walters , it was easy to hate them . He would have stayed in his room all day if it wasn 't for his stomach , which was starting to hurt from lack of nourishment . It was time to grab something to eat . There was no clock on the shuttle , time was irrelevant in space . Hunger , however , wasn 't . When he got to the mess hall , Walters was talking to Steel about something . Once the door opened , the chatter stopped . Walters 's look of jolliness turned stone hard at seeing Frank . Despite the feeling that this was some kind of trap , Frank was interested . He always believed that life on other planets could be real , but there was no way life could be on the moon . As far as he knew there was no way life could sustain on a desolate rock . " Well , there have been some incidents on the moon . A few people have gone missing , the first two just seemed to vanish , but the third , the third is interesting . The third had a witness see him get taken by something , something with long tentacles that pulled him into a shadow . The man chased after him , but he found nothing . No body . No bones . No blood . No monster . Nothing . " " Besides , that man who saw that was unstable . He was known to be a little crazy before he was taken to the moon , and to have the sun shining all day and night must not have helped that . I think that man had just wandered off and got lost , or maybe the witness had killed him and hid the body . I wouldn 't doubt that . " That was a strange turn of events . Frank didn 't know that something like that had happened . His eyes widened as Steel told his side of the story . It made sense that the courts wouldn 't tell that to a person who would be deciding on either going to the moon or to prison . They wanted people to go to the moon , it saved them from sending people who may be considered more valuable . Frank wasn 't sure about that . The way that Walters was telling it , the man was killed by someone or something ; Walters was pushing for Frank to believe that it was a something . Steel seemed like he was trying to cover something up . It was the first time that Frank felt that Steel wasn 't being honest with him . Something had happened on the moon ; that was true . It hadn 't been told on earth , and maybe it never will be , but something did happen on that rock . The shuttle landed on the surface on the moon . It was nothing like what Frank had thought it would be like ; he was thinking that the houses would already be built . Nice big houses , houses that could hold a family with room to spare , but all he was able to see was ten glass bubbles . Some of them had some green in them , a few had some small houses . Well , small at least compared to the one in the center of the bubble city . " That 's the town hall , " Steel said , " or at least , it is as close to one that you will need here . That is where the research labs are . Everything that is happening on the moon is being planned and developed there . Let 's go introduce you to the scientists . They are going to be in charge of you here , so it may not be a bad idea to get on their good side . " Steel slapped him on the back and gave him a wide grin . Walters wasn 't around them at the moment . As soon as they got off the shuttle , he started for the big bubble , leaving everyone else behind . Frank was sure that he was able to hear what Steel was saying to him , the radios in the helmets were connected to everyone from the shuttle . This would be the last time his conversations weren 't being listened to by everyone else on the moon . In the years to come , every time Frank was wearing his helmet , everyone would be able to hear what he was saying . Once they were inside of the artificial atmosphere , Frank took off his helmet . Everyone inside of the area was wearing clothing that they would have worn on earth , which was another thing that Frank didn 't expect . For some reason , he thought everyone would be in silver jumpsuits . Maybe it was because he always saw people dressed like that in movies . " This is Steve Holland , " Walters said to Frank . He was already out of his space suit . Steve was a skinny man with thick glasses ; fire - red hair covered the sides and back of his head , the top was nothing but a reflective surface . " It 's nice to meet you , " Steve said . " You will find that you made a much better choice by coming here than going to prison . We are a lot more … laid back here . " Thomas wasn 't around when Steve said that . Frank assumed that it was the other person in the room who was more interested in something under a microscope than anything else that was happening . Steve took the officers away and started to speak in a hushed voice . It didn 't matter how quiet Steve was speaking , Frank was still able to hear him . There was some things that he couldn 't understand , but for the most part it was clear . It wasn 't until Steve leaned in to the officers , that Frank had become interested in what was being said . " It 's nice to meet you too . I 'm truly happy you 'd decided to come here and help all of humankind . By the time your sentence is over , we should have more than enough accomplished to have people living here . It is very possible that you may even see your family here before you have completed your time with us . If that happens you will be given a full pardon . " Frank 's heart fluttered at hearing those words . Tom seemed like he would be the person to talk to about getting his phone call . All he would need to do is get on his good side and anything would be possible with this man . They started to walk around the bubbles , each time they passed one , Tom would tell what it was . The agricultural bubble had plants growing inside , but they were hard to see because of the steam that had formed on the side of the glass . The rest were supplies or housing , nothing too extreme . A few of the housing bubbles even had little gardens growing inside . When they had arrived at Franks housing bubble , number seven , he was excited to see what life on the moon would be like . Excitement quickly turned to disappointment once he walked into the house . It was crude , made from the same gray rocks that littered the moon and looked as if it would fall in at any moment . Frank agreed with Walters for the first time on this trip . The conditions weren 't good . It wasn 't as if he had expected a five star resort but this was far less then what he had expected . Still , it wouldn 't be bad . If what Tom had said was true , they were going to be working on the housing in the next month , then maybe he would have a much better home . " We brought things that will be needed for the work . If you need anything , just talk to Steve ; he is in charge around here . I 'll talk to your wife and tell her you made it safely . If there are any messages she has for you , I 'll pass them onto Steve . Take care of yourself , Frank . " Steel shook his hand . Walters nodded , if it could even be called a nod . The millimeter movement of his head wasn 't any kind of acknowledgement , more like he felt he had to do something . Walters and Steel landed without any problems . They had come back much sooner than they would have liked to . Mostly , they only go to the moon once every three months . Now , it had only been three weeks since they left . It wasn 't even three weeks home , Walters was good for reminding Steel about that . The entire trip had been nothing more than him complaining about having to come back so soon . Steel didn 't even disagree with him . Why couldn 't they find someone else to go this time ? Communication had been lost since the second week they had been back home , so it was up to them to make sure everything was as it should be , to make sure that no one had gone crazy and started killing others . Hopefully , it was just an equipment malfunction . That being the case , they would be headed back home the same day . " It 's not surprising . That 's what happens when you send the scum of the earth to live in an area together . Just look at the prisons and you could see that all day . The paper pushers don 't understand that , and they most likely never will . They are too scared to get a good look at the undesirables . " They walked into the bubble . They used the door even though they could have walked through the hole without any trouble . All the equipment that had once been in pristine condition was now a rubbish heap ; papers were scattered across the floor , motionless and dead . It wasn 't until they saw Steve lying dead , that they realized the problem they had walked into . A new vegetation had started to grow on the desks and sides of the dome . It was the only thing that was able to grow , some kind of mushroom . Green with purple circles and an opening on the top of it that looked somewhat like a mouth . Steel found a pencil and prodded the fungi . It let out a pfff noise and a faint green mist was shot into the air , suspended in time and space . The officers obliged . Leading him to the shuttle , they walked briskly , ever aware of their surroundings . Once they were in the safety on the shuttle , they started to push Frank to tell them what had happened , but he didn 't want to talk about it , not until he was off the moon . It took forty - five minutes to get back to the shuttle orbiting the moon . All three of the men didn 't say a word the entire time . Walters and Steel were just thinking about what they had seen . Frank too , was thinking about what he saw , but it was more of a nightmarish reflection than the other two . " That thing they found , whatever it was , killed them . The spores are toxic , and if that wasn 't bad enough , whoever inhaled them was in a kind of trance , or under a spell , or something . They would act differently . Never talking , they never talked if the spores got inside them . But the things they would do … " " I think I was one of the first to notice that something was wrong , but by that time , it was too late . Most everyone had already been infected . I did the only thing I could think of : I broke the dome . The things seemed to grow faster in the atmosphere . I figured if I broke it , it would make them die … or at the very least stunt their growth . They didn 't grow any bigger , which was good , but they still spread . Spread quickly . " The people who were affected would attack others . They became violent . Anyone or anything that got in their way would be destroyed . I broke the dome and killed one man by breaking the glass in his helmet . " Frank couldn 't hold it in any longer , he started to bawl . Once he started , it took a long time for him to stop . When he finally got himself somewhat composed , he continued with his story . " I knew that it had to be something on the moon , something that was other worldly . But a mushroom didn 't seem like something that could be so deadly , and that noise it made when it sent out that poison cloud . Pfff . Pfff . I heard it for three days after I broke the glass , until it finally stopped . It just wanted to kill anything else that could still be alive . " The people that got the spores in them would start to have their veins pop out . It took about two days for that to happen . Three for them to start turning purple . On the fourth day they would die and have this slime ooze from them . God , I hope I never have to hear that sound again . It 's the sound of death . " The officers didn 't want to push him anymore . They knew he had been through enough . With a big meal and a nice warm drink , they sent him to bed . " I don 't know , I saw Steve laying on the ground . He looked like what Frank described . I also saw the cells they found out there ; it could be true . The cells looked green , but almost everything looks green under a microscope . " " Yeah , it does seem a little farfetched though , " Steel said . " All those people dead because of some cells grew better in an environment that 's more like earth 's than the moons . Where would they have come from ? " The two men stopped talking and looked at one another . As if thinking the same thought , they pushed up from the table and ran towards their suits . There hanging on the wall was Steel 's suit . A slight green film formed on the right hand . They moved closer to it and saw a small bulb had formed in the middle of the green dust . Very carefully , Steel moved the glove to get a better look . It was green , with tiny purple dots on it . He looked at Walters . He didn 't say anything for a few minutes but Walters had been thinking the same thing .

After my last post in December , things were pretty good . I still had my crappy job , but I was riding high on the holiday festivities . Goodies to bake , presents to buy and make , presents to wrap , things to plan . Alex and I went on our first big date in a while and went to Basbeaux 's pizza and then the zoo , where we got to admire the pretty Christmas lights and see what little animals were out . Then , there was Christmas . Mom flew down to Texas to visit her side of the family because for the first time ever , they had everyone down in Texas for Christmas - except for me . I had to work on the night of the 23rd . I got off work at 5 : 00 in the morning on Christmas Eve and drove the three hours down to my dad 's house . I nearly passed out on the front porch because I was so tired . When I went upstairs to sleep , however , that didn 't go over so well . I felt bad because my brothers and my youngest cousin were playing and they had to be told multiple times to be quiet because I was trying to sleep . Of course , with fifteen other people , two dogs , and two cats in a house , sleeping during the day just doesn 't work . I somehow made it through Christmas Eve without passing out , though . Christmas overall was good . I wished that it had lasted a little longer , as the day after , everyone left my dad 's house - including my brothers . I had originally wanted to stay and hang out with them , but with that news , I decided to leave as well . Presents were fine , though sometimes I wish my family understood me more . I 'm not the kind of girl who needs or wants two televisions in her house , nor am I the type of girl who needs the newest and best everything . My phone isn 't a smartphone , my laptop is going on five years and it might be on its last legs , but I 'm not rushing out to buy a new laptop … Anyway , so yeah . There was some awkwardness , to say the least . After leaving my dad 's , I drove up to Alex 's house and celebrated Christmas with him and his parents . I had to go back to work on that Tuesday night , so it was quite the whirlwind Christmas visit and it hurt . Yes , I know I 'm a young adult and this is a part of growing up , but still . I don 't want to be lonely . I was actually lucky to get the night off for my own birthday party . Two weeks beforehand , she had put me on the schedule for the 31st when I had been planning this party a month beforehand . I know that bosses don 't have to ask to schedule your times , but when I had previously been under the impression that I would have that night off ( it was a voluntary sign - up sheet and I hadn 't signed it ) , I was greatly annoyed to see that I was scheduled . Lucky for me , the part - time guy wasn 't a jerk ( for once ) and took over for my shift . I was so happy . I didn 't have to ring in the New Year and my birthday in a place I hated with all my being , and I had one awesome party . It was such a good night , even though the oven went out the night before and I had to run over to Nick 's house and bake my birthday cupcakes at his house . Yeah , that was a fun story . Our garage door and the opener went kaput the day before that , too . Anyway , so January was okay . My birthday was fun , we finally had our Secret Santa exchange , I got sick with what I am pretty sure was the flu , and Mom and I went over to Ohio to see my grandparents . That was a fun visit , let me tell you . I got home at 6 : 00 in the morning and we had to leave two and a half hours later . I basically went for twenty - seven hours on two hours of sleep . However , it was actually a great time . We went to an art museum and saw a huge exhibit on Norman Rockwell , and then ate dinner at an Irish pub where I had the best beef stew in a bread bowl . I seriously wish that place wasn 't hours away , it was so good . This month is shaping up to be pretty good so far . We watched the Super Bowl and bored the crap out of my boyfriend . We ate good food , though ! I 'm reading more , writing , working out . I 'm happier . I can breathe easier . I can 't remember the last time I cried . Seriously . It 's been so long since I had that uncontrollable wave of sadness . No , I don 't have another job lined up , but I 'm searching . There was only so much I could take . Driving for one and a half hours a night , paying at least fifty bucks , if not more , a week for my gas ( and that 's only if I drove to work ) , and a few other factors worked into my decision . My family and friends have been pretty supportive about it , except for my grandpa . I mean , I know where he is coming from , but he doesn 't understand the magnitude of anguish I had been going through these past few months . He was there for Thanksgiving , he should have had some idea . Sure , I wish I had some form of income right now , but my mental and physical health is not worth ten dollars an hour . Either that job had to go , or I am pretty sure I would eventually have had either an aneurysm or a heart attack at the age of 23 . I know it was a risk to leave , but I am confident I will find something better . December 5 , 2011 in Rambling | Tags : Christmas , family , happiness , home , life , love , movies , Muppets , winter , work | Leave a comment It has been eight days since my last bout of uncontrollable crying . So … progress ! I am also happy to report that this is not the result of any prescription , but is completely natural . I have not felt sad . I 've felt a little angry because of some things that are happening at my job , but not sad . It has been a good past week . Last Sunday , I got to visit with Jennifer and her newly adopted kitty , Sadie , before Jennifer had to return to school . It was so great to see her , because I hadn 't since my Labor Day party . We just sat and talked for a few hours ( and I fawned over her Sadie because I really wish I was in the position where I could adopt an animal right now ) , and I think that 's some of what I needed - just some social interaction . Alex came up last Monday after he got off work and stayed the night . I made turkey broccoli fettuccine and garlic bread , we watched television together , played Words with Friends on his phone , and ran out to get Blizzards from Dairy Queen . I accidentally fell asleep on the couch with him , and I ended up going to bed at 10 : 00 . Again , I was sort of lame and we didn 't do much , but all I needed was to be around him , and I felt better . Tuesday , my day was pretty normal . I hung out in my pajamas , watched television , and knitted . I laid down for a nap around1 : 30 , aiming to sleep until 4 : 30 . I woke up at 5 : 00 when Mom came home . I had enough time , though , to take my shower and get dressed . We had dinner at IHOP , where I had pumpkin praline pancakes with eggs , bacon , and hash browns . Then , Mom and I went to the movie theater to see The Muppets . The clerk said we had missed the first twelve minutes because there is a discrepancy between the times on the mall website and a normal Google search , apparently . We still took the chance ( and got a discount on our tickets ) , and it was perfect . We didn 't miss any of the movie , just the previews and the Pixar short before it . There were only two other people in the theater . And the movie ? It was magical . I would say that if you are a person who has ever enjoyed the Muppets , you would enjoy the new movie . They 've done a wonderful job of mixing the old material with the new , the cameos were great ( Neil Patrick Harris , Alan Alda , and Jim Parsons FTW ) and there were several times where I was in a laughing fit . I am certain that I was grinning from ear to ear the entire film . At the end of the movie , there 's a bit that might make you tear up a little . Not because it 's sad , but because it 's such a display of how the Muppets will always be in the hearts of those who grew up with them in their households ( like my mom and myself ) , and there is room for them in the hearts of generations to come . I could hear my mom sniffling next to me , and I reached out to pat her leg , as I understood what she was feeling . Then I shed a few tears myself , because I felt like it was okay to . These weren 't tears of frustration , pain , and sorrow like they have been , but tears of love , for beloved characters I was glad to welcome back The rest of my week has been pretty decent . I 've wrapped the majority of my presents and put them under the tree ( why yes , I am an overachiever ) , Mom and I have figured out what Christmas goodies we are making , and then we took our Christmas card picture . Yes , that 's right . We have a bunch of Christmas cards with photo frames , and since this might be the last Christmas my mom and I have while living under the same roof ( as I 'm hoping to move out next year ) , we took a Christmas picture together to put in our cards for the first time EVER . Yeah , this Christmas season has been full of weird twists this year , and it 's not over yet . My nights at work have been okay . We haven 't been too busy . I loathe Thursdays and Fridays , but once I get over that little hump , I only have to work Saturday night until I 'm free . This past Saturday night was a nightmare . We were not only full , but a lot of my co - workers on other shifts neglect to pass messages on to other shifts , or they don 't pay attention and it trickles down to our shift . I was so glad when my relief came in on Sunday morning . It was one of those mornings I was surprised I made it home because I was so tired , and I 'm surprised I just didn 't lose control of myself because it was just such a long night . When I came home , Mom just pulled monkey bread muffins out of the oven . Even though I probably shouldn 't have , I ate three and then went to bed . I woke up in the afternoon , got ready , and Alex showed up . We ran to Goodwill because I was trying to find something for a project with no success , and when we returned to my house , we had dinner . We didn 't do much , but I did have him try on the sock that I 've been knitting for him and finally figured out how I can make them fit him . I will try finishing that up today so maybe I can actually finish the pair of socks before our anniversary - or , even better , before the end of this year ! Alex and I cuddled and played one of the games we used to play when we were first dating - a line of questions . We went camping once and walked around in the woods , just tossing questions back and forth about our favorite childhood memories and books and Thanksgiving traditions . This time , we asked Christmas - themed questions , even though we knew some of the answers already . However , I think we were meant to be when I asked him what his favorite Christmas movie was and he said that it was Love , Actually though he also likes the original animated How the Grinch Stole Christmas . My sentiments exactly . In the past few years , Christmas has made me miserable with everything we 've had to do and all the presents I 've had to make , but this year , I think it has brought me a sense of comfort that I 've needed for a while . I look forward to the next few weeks full of Secret Santa trades ( OMG SOCIALIZING WITH MY FRIENDS ! ) , actually allowing Christmas music in my car , holiday baking , and finishing up the rest of my gift buying / making and wrapping . Before I know it , I will hopefully be in Lexington , celebrating with my family . November 29 , 2011 in Rambling | Tags : anxiety , depression , family , Thanksgiving , work | Leave a comment The day before Thanksgiving , I had an invitation to a party . I wanted to go , I really did . But because I had so little time on Thanksgiving Day to make my pumpkin soup appetizer and my double chocolate pecan pie , I had to do them the night before . I got stressed out about the crust on the pie . It shouldn 't have made me freak out , but I did when I realized I had to redo the crust or else I wouldn 't be able to put the filling in . My inherent need for perfectionism made me lose it . I cried . Mom tried to console me , said she would bake the pie and make the soup while I should go to the party . But I knew she had so much cooking and cleaning to do for the event , and I should help her . I didn 't finish the soup and pie until 9 : 00 . If I had gone to the party , I might have had an hour to socialize before I had to leave for work , and that wasn 't going to work . I hadn 't seen the people I knew would be at the party for months , and I would want to be there for longer than an hour . So I didn 't go , and I drove to work with a lonely heart . I would say Thanksgiving was nice . Not the best , but all right . Mom was cleaning when I got home that morning , I ate , crawled into bed , and I didn 't wake up again until a little after 2 : 00 when I got a text . I tried to go back to sleep , but then I started having hunger pangs . I rolled out of bed . Grandma and Grandpa had arrived , , and they were all very apologetic because they thought they were being loud . I had to explain , " No , it 's not that . I 'm just hungry . " Luckily for me , they were snacking . I had some sweet pickles , black olives , crackers , and cheese . Then , since I figured I wasn 't going back to sleep any time soon , I took my shower . After that , I hung around for a bit . I have no doubt in my mind my mother briefed my grandparents on what has been going on . I hear her whispering sometimes about me to them when they visit . I figured that , in their hours before my awakening , they heard the truth about how I feel about my job , and how I have not been myself at all . That remark really put a sour taste in my mouth . I just simply replied , " No , I 'm not thankful for my job . I 'd rather be spending time with my family and friends . " My mouth was shut for the remainder of dinner , for fear that if I opened it for even the slightest response , I 'd bust and the well of emotions would come out again . I only ate single helpings of everything but the cranberry relish , because even though I like cranberries , I just really didn 't feel like having it . I excused myself from the table early because I was feeling tired , and I crawled back into bed for another hour . A call from my dad wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving awoke me . I just wish I could have a conversation bearing happy or good news , rather than the , " I 've got work . There 's nothing else going on in my life right now because I have no life . " answer I seem to give every time we talk anymore . Friday was worse . I came home after my nine - hour shift ( that was actually a little longer because my relief came in ten minutes late . Apparently being punctual doesn 't extend to all employees ) . My mom had made me a breakfast sandwich , which I ate while crying . I went to bed shortly afterward . I woke up and started to cry , so I ducked into the shower to disguise it . Mom and I had already put the Christmas tree up , but she got the ornaments and other decorations out while I was sleeping . We ordered pizza and decked the halls while waiting for the delivery guy . Our tree looks lovely . Before we ate dinner , Mom told me she had a surprise for me . I was led out to the outside of our house , where Christmas lights lined the roof of our house . For the record , I cannot remember the last time we had Christmas lights on our house . My dad and mom did it at least once when they were married , but that was over seventeen years ago . Mom and Paul never decorated the two houses we lived in , and we 've been in this house for seven years and never put lights on it . We 've always been so busy , or Mom knows how much work it is to put them up there . I 've looked at other decorated houses with envy for years , and now , even though it is quite simple , I have Christmas lights on my house . " We just wanted to make you happy , baby , " my mom said . It did . I mean , I was incredibly grateful for the time and thought that my mom and grandparents put into decorating our house . That was the problem , though . It just made me want to stay at home with them even more . We ate dinner and watched Tangled , and everything was good . But after the movie ended , Mom , Grandma , and Grandpa played a game of Rummikub while I had an hour before I had to leave for work . I was going to have a slice of my chocolate pecan pie , but after I got the plate and the pie out , I started crying . I lost my appetite and put them back . I just went ahead and put my uniform on , and tried not to say anything . My mom stopped me by the door before I was to go . She asked if I was okay , and I lost it . I couldn 't stop sobbing . She pulled me close to her and let me cry . For the first time in a long time , she didn 't yell at me or make me feel like a failure . I barely made it out of the house , for I was overcome with so much emotion and pain . I don 't even know how I made it to work because my eyes were so blurry with tears . There was a moment when I looked up and realized , with a little confusion , that I was already at my exit and hadn 't noticed how close I was to it . When I thought I had cried so much that nothing else would come out , there were fresh wet spots on my green scarf . If the police had pulled me over , they would have thought someone had died . My Saturday was relatively good . I came home early , ate breakfast , and crawled into bed . Mom woke me up around 11 : 30 , which mean I got about five hours of sleep . I felt pretty good . I got ready and we were out the door and down at the shopping center by 1 : 00 . We ate at McAllister 's Deli , and then we walked around and went into stores . Mom and Grandma wanted to hit nearly every women 's clothing store . Grandpa stood outside . I felt bad for the guy . I did buy something , but it was technically Mom 's purchase before I decided I 'd pay for it so she didn 't have to put it on her credit card . It has gone from an immediate gratification purchase to being her birthday present . However , I didn 't buy anything for myself , nor did anyone buy anything for me . In the stores , Mom and Grandma would say , " Isn 't that nice ? What do you think about this ? " and I had to tell the truth : " It 's nice , I like it , but I can 't justify having it . I would have no place to wear it to , or I might wear it once . " I know this job isn 't permanent , that I 'm not going to work here forever , but it feels like I will . When I have two pairs of work pants ( which are technically my two pairs of nice khaki pants that are getting stains on them because my manager still hasn 't ordered my work pants ) and three shirts , why bother ? I spent so much money last year on professional clothes to use for teaching or a nice little office job , and I hardly wear any of it . I looked at so many nice items while shopping , but I knew that it would all be money wasted . I tried to find a few gifts to complete my Christmas shopping list , but I didn 't succeed at that , either . For the most part , though , the gifts I need to make or buy are done . Why yes , I am an overachiever . After walking around in the open air ( and in the air of the stores ) , we went to Orange Leaf . Grandma and Grandpa had never heard of it , and since a new store opened in Noblesville a few weeks ago , we went . It was good , as always . Then we came home and I took a two - hour nap , which refreshed me just enough . We had little snacks and watched The Fantastic Mr . Fox , which I had been wanting to watch for a few days . The DVD skipped a little , but it still worked , and it was a nice night . Mom , Grandma , and Grandpa played a game while I did some knitting . I had some coffee and a slice of my double chocolate pecan pie before I had to get into my uniform and go to work . Everything , for the most part , went well . I was only a little upset when I had to leave , and then when I got to work I sat in the parking lot and cried a little bit , but I pulled myself together and came in . It was a fairly uneventful night , thank goodness . I did cry a little , though I think I hid it well from my co - worker . I 'm here at my dad 's house , watching my brothers . David goes back to school tomorrow . He 's in sixth grade , at a special advanced school . He 'll be taking algebra I and Latin . My eleven - year - old brother is going to know Latin , and by the time he gets in high school , he 'll probably take more math than I ever did . Man , that just makes me feel stupid . At least I can make my own peanut butter and jelly sandwich and can remember to flush the toilet , but that 's not saying much . We don 't get along like we used to , and I feel bad about that , but David has had this recent habit of acting like a teenager and thinking the world revolves around him and he can do no wrong . He doesn 't listen . This morning , I told him to take the dog out front so he could relieve himself while I was getting breakfast together . When it was ready , I thought , " Well , it doesn 't take the dog that long , so I wonder how things are going . " I looked out the front door and couldn 't find David and Jock . I panicked . I ran out to the driveway and saw that David was a few houses down , near the bus stop . I yelled for him to come back . He said that he thought the dog could use a walk . That might have been a good idea , but only with someone else to accompany him . He has no concept of " Stranger Danger , " and that 's worrisome . I want to get along with David , but sometimes it is hard . We still have some good moments , though . The other day , I went upstairs and couldn 't find him anywhere . I called his name , and he didn 't answer . I eventually found him sitting in the empty master bathroom tub , reading the iPad , and listening to the radio with the door shut . Kids are so odd sometimes . Alex is going to be in third grade . He doesn 't start until next Wednesday , though . He 's very into Harry Potter now , which I like , but it 's more of the movie and Lego ties that he likes , not the books - which makes me sad . Oh well . He 's still freakin ' adorable . The other night , we were watching the end of Spaceballs before bed , and he was wearing Harry Potter robes . I went upstairs to get my laptop , and he said , " When you come downstairs and my hood is up , pretend I 'm invisible ! " It made me laugh so much . Besides watching my brothers , I 've been reading , exercising , writing , knitting , and job searching . Basically , the same things I do when I live with Mom . I have been exercising more , though , and it makes me feel good . I 'll probably do it after I finish writing this . With reading , I recently finished Bel Canto , which I think is probably my new favorite book ( My apologies to The Historian - You can be my runner - up , though ! ) . I finished it on Sunday , and there was this deep sadness within me ; I wanted to read more , and yet , I knew that there was no more . I felt for the characters , and I was moved by the beautiful writing . I wish I could write like that . I 'm re - reading The Sparrow now . I read it back in high school , a while ago . I don 't remember much of it , except for little parts . I found a copy of the book when I visited Jennifer in Bloomington once . There was a cool used bookstore there . Anyway , it 's interesting , but I think it 's harder to get into than the last book . I 'm currently knitting a pair of socks right now for the boy . It 's a easy , beautiful pattern , and I love the yarn , but I think I 'm going to run out . I should probably buy some more . I might just get some more for myself . Books and yarn - those are my biggest vices . As for job searching , it 's a bust . I got a call Friday about a position I applied to two months ago . I happened to be driving to my grandparents ' house at the time . I called back and left a message for the woman , but she was out of the office for the weekend . She called on Monday , completely ignoring the fact that I had stated in the message that I wouldn 't be back until the 17th . She wanted me to set up an interview for Tuesday . When I explained that I was out of state , she immediately said , " Well , it 's been nice speaking to you . " I understand that most people prefer an in - person interview to a phone interview , and for good reason . I just wish that I could have been given a chance . What if this was a family emergency ? I hate that so many recruiters / employers want people to be so desperate that they 'll drop everything for an interview . Yes , I want a job , I really need one , but sometimes there are circumstances beyond my control . Additionally , last week I had an preliminary interview for a teaching position in Japan . Because of my hellish student teaching experience , I would rather teach in a country that respects education and educators instead of America . I was worried , though , about going abroad for a year , being completely alone in a foreign country . I know that I would miss Alex and my family considerably . I also wasn 't sure if the start - up costs ( I would have to pay for my own flight over to Japan , my background check , and some other things before I actually received a stipend . ) . Well , now I don 't have to choose . I got an e - mail last night . They don 't want me . Nobody wants me . It feels like the time before I found my job at the library , only worse . I have little experience , I have little references , and who really wants an English major , anymore ? I keep seeing and hearing about my friends who are getting jobs or , in the case of my teaching friends , getting ready to teach their first class . My other friends still in school are getting their schedules , moving back to the dorms , or starting grad school . I just feel like everyone knows what they 're doing with their life but me . August 5 , 2011 in Rambling | Tags : family , health , life , summer , work | Leave a comment It 's August . I can 't believe it 's already August . Of course , time flies when you think you have all the time in the world . Three months ago - hell , it 's more like five months ago , I thought , " I 'll take a year off , get some work , and then go to grad school ! " Now ? Well , my notices for student loan payments are coming in . I 'm still unemployed . I feel my dreams of getting my masters in library science are slipping away . Mom and I fight at least once or twice a week , when we rarely fought once we moved here six years ago . I 'm sad . Others who have recently graduated , like myself , are finding jobs . Alex finally got something after what seems like two years of searching , which I 'm happy about . If my peers aren 't getting employed , they 're going back to school - grad school , another year of undergrad ; some people , like my friend Jennifer , have both work and school to look forward to . There are so many other milestones people are hitting in their own lives , and what do I have to show ? I don 't have much to say as of late . What 's new to talk about , really ? Yes , I 'm utilizing the time I have by searching for a job , exercising , writing , reading , and doing crafty things , but I really can 't be too excited when it 's the same thing , day after day . I 'm going to a family reunion this weekend , and people are going to ask me what I 'm up to , and I truly won 't have anything to note . I can sum up my life in a few words . No one 's going to care . I 'm not interesting . I often wonder why I keep this blog around . I originally intended to use it as a book review blog . I did it once . Although I can say that I 've read enough books in the past five months that could last several posts if I wanted to pick that up again . Then , this became a somewhat outlet for my crafty ventures . Now , it 's a sad mess . I mean , I know I do stuff other than write , read , craft , and mope . In the past weeks I honestly haven 't done much besides that , though . I look back on this whole summer , which was full of opportunity and excitement , and I feel like I have just wasted it . Alex 's car is still in the shop , so I 've come down and visited him a few times , and he 's been able to get a ride up to my house at other times . Our visits are sparse and public . Once he starts working , I 'll probably only see him on the weekends , like it was when I was at school last year , only I 'm living at home . I hope his car is repaired soon , though . I know how much he loves driving and he loves his car . Plus , if I drive him , he 'll get motion sick , and I always feel bad about that . We went up to Muncie with Scott this past Sunday for Scott 's birthday . It was a small gathering , but nice . I brought brownies I had made late night before . We chatted and I knit , and I ended up being the designated driver for the night . What I didn 't foresee was when we went out to the Locker Room , we were having a great time until I had an allergic reaction . For dinner that night , Alex and I cooked up what was on the menu - salmon , green beans , and cheesy garlic biscuits . It was all delicious . I had only had salmon once before , and I had a reaction that time , but I thought I was in the clear this time . I felt great , but then suddenly , I found myself sneezing , itching , swelling , and wheezing , among some other symptoms . I am now , without a doubt , allergic to salmon . There 's something in it that , when in my digestive system and it 's being broken down , it causes my body to react . It 's so strange , though , since it isn 't immediate - it takes about six hours for the reaction to kick in . Nothing 's scarier than having to drive home while your face is swelling and every breath you take is a ghastly wheeze . I stayed calm and we got back to Krista 's apartment safely , but every time we stopped at a stop sign and no one was around , I 'd have to scratch my back and arms . I was miserable . When we got back , everyone was really helpful . I could barely get out of the driver 's seat because I was weak , and Alex helped me out . Krista and Derek ran up and got the Benedryl I luckily had in my backpack , and Nick held open the doors for us . I am lucky to have such good friends . It took a while to recover , and everyone went to bed , but Alex stayed with me on the couch until I was comfortable enough to sleep . Being with him was probably the best part of that weekend . Anyway , like I said , nothing much else has been going on . I attempted and succeeded in my first embroidery project . I 'll share it when it 's framed , and possibly after Alex 's birthday , since it 's for him and I want it to be a surprise . As I also stated before , I 'm going to a family reunion this weekend . Something to keep me busy while my friends and boyfriend are having a great time at GenCon . I wanted to go last year , but didn 't have transportation . This year , I thought I would have a job that would prevent me from going , though I didn 't really have the money to go , either . Oh well . The only consolation I have is that I 'm not missing Wil Wheaton this year , since he 's not visiting , though I missed meeting him last year . It just makes me feel even more sucky , since I 'm not getting out and doing anything interesting . The State Fair is starting this weekend , too , and I 'm going to miss most of it because I 'll be out of state . The reunion should be … interesting . I guess . I don 't know . I feel weird about going , but I feel that it would be a good alternative to staying home and getting into an argument with my mom . On Sunday , I 'll be driving down to Lexington . I 'll be watching my brothers for the next week and a half because they 'll be starting school soon . David starts sixth grade on Wednesday , and Alex will be in third grade , I do believe . That doesn 't start until the following week . It 'll be good to see them . July 25 , 2011 in Rambling | Tags : car , family , life , Ohio , summer , travel | Leave a comment I guess it 's been a busy week or so . On Tuesday ( the 12th ) , I packed the car , did some errands , and then drove to Cincinnati to visit my aunt Jo and uncle Dave . The drive was not bad . I listened to Yelle and Madonna , and I tried to not get killed by stupid people on the roadways . One person tried to merge while I was right beside him , and he honked his horn . I checked my other side , moved over , and sped up . Then , he followed me closely , tail - gating me . I was super uncomfortable and wished I could punch this person in the face because whatever rush he was in , no matter what it was for , it did not matter compared to my LIFE . I arrived there a little bit before dinner , which was a black bean / avocado / poblano wrap and I helped Aunt Jo prepare it . When Uncle Dave came home , she left to go to a meeting , and Uncle Dave and I had dinner together . It was tasty . Then , I went downstairs to get some work done , trying to take the flowers off these purple velvet drapes Aunt Jo had made . I listened to Soma . fm while doing it , and got almost two hours of work done . When Aunt Jo came home , I stopped and we had ice cream . I went up to bed around 10 : 00 and talked to Alex . Then , I read some of The Tales of Beedle the Bard , which was my aunt 's and I had never read it before . I only got through one story and fell asleep . I was very tired from the drive and the work . Wednesday , I did some more flower removal and business card sorting . I did that for a total of eight hours or so . Aunt Jo and Uncle Dave also got Stella on that day . She is a retired racing greyhound , and she is very shy since she does not know how to be a pet yet , but she is adorable . I think she is a big sweetheart , and Aunt Jo and Uncle Dave finally have a " child " of their own to take care of , since I have been the baby of the family for the past twenty - two years . I also finished reading The Tales of Beedle the Bard that evening . I thoroughly enjoyed it , and I miss so much about Harry Potter . I wish I could have gone to the midnight showing of the last film Thursday evening , but I could not . Plus , I would not want to be in a packed theater like the time I went to see Goblet of Fire during opening weekend . Thursday , I woke up around 7 : 00 and had a breakfast of turkey sausage and chocolate chunk scones that I had helped Aunt Jo make . Iwas busy all day doing business card stuff . I scanned them and sorted them in Aunt Jo 's database , I took all the bookmarks and labels out of her books , and together , we finally got the last of the flowers removed from the purple velvet drapes . We also spent a lot of time trying to get Stella acclimated to her new home . She seemed to have taken a shine to me , and liked it when I pet her . She wouldn 't eat that much , which was worrisome . Stella 's funny , though . I went upstairs to talk to Aunt Jo , and when I turned around , Stella was at the bottom of the stairs , looking up at me . She also stood on the newspaper while Aunt Jo was trying to read it . I worked a total of nineteen hours while I was visiting , and I also helped Aunt Jo with one of her projects for school before I left on Friday morning . I drove out of Cincinnati to Fairborn , and let me just say , I hate , hate , HATE driving in Cincinnati . Coming in was not so bad , but when I was going north out of the city , it felt like I was having an ulcer and a heart attack . My hands were shaking . I felt sick . I was so glad to be out of it . I drove up through Dayton , about forty miles all the way . I thought of my childhood while listening to the Juno soundtrack and David Bowie . I was born in Dayton , and so even though I have not lived there in over seventeen years , it still has a special place in my heart . I remember the Air Force Museum , which Alex and I visited on a camping trip once . There were just so many familiar things to me as I was driving , and I missed it a little bit . My life is good now , and I do not think the life I have now would be anything like the life that I would have lived had my parents actually stayed together . So in a way , everything works out . Anyway , I made it to my grandparents ' house . Grandpa was at the festival already , so Grandma and I had lunch . She was baking bread , and then she took a nap later . I tried to take a nap . It didn 't work . I sat out on the back patio , mooching their neighbor 's wireless and surfed the Internet until she woke up . We did have coffee , though . I had so much coffee . We left around 5 : 30 and dropped some books and movies off at the library , then we went to the festival run by their church , which started at 6 : 00 . Grandma and Grandpa have worked at every festival for the last thirty - five years , and Grandpa used to be one of the head workers there . He stepped down a few years ago , but he is still very active in it . I have been to the festival since I was very young . Mom used to take me and put me on the kiddie rides , or get my face painted . My attendance , however , had been sporadic . I can 't remember the last time I went to one of them - probably when I was a sullen teenager , since I know it wasn 't in the last four years . Now , since I am an adult , I don 't go for the kiddie rides or the games or the face painting . There 's crafts and a flea market to look at , and a book booth that has always been a hit for my family . I browsed the selection and didn 't see anything I really wanted , but I did keep tabs on a few books , though in the end , I didn 't buy anything . On Friday evening , we ate with Ed and Mary and I had a pulled pork sandwich with French fries . It was a good choice . I spent the most of the night chatting and counting money in the air - conditioned office . It was my second time doing it , and it was a lot of fun . It was even more fun to come across people who have known me since I was small , and gasping at the young woman I am now . It makes me laugh . I also like seeing the different generations . For instance , if my mom could have made it , we would have three generations at the festival this year . As it stands , another family had the grandmother , the mother , and her son in his first year as a counter . It 's very interesting , but it does go to show how big this festival is for some people . Grandma sent me down for a funnel cake , and we shared that . It was good , though rather pricey . I also got to talk to Alex , though that wasn 't until midnight , and we were still at the festival . I went out into the hall , and I noticed they were filing out with the money and they started turning the lights out in the hallway . I thought they were going to leave me ! They were just going to the bank , though , and I stayed in the office until Grandma and Grandpa came back . We got home around 1 : 00 , and then we had ice cream . Yeah , I kid you not . My grandparents are awesome . They also gave me a belated graduation present . I finally had the chance to sleep in on Saturday morning . I needed it , for sure . I got up and sat out on the back patio again , and I ended up talking to Teddy . He got a job near Lafayette , so he cut his trip out West short . I helped my grandma bake lemon coconut bars and two batches of brownies for the festival . She took a nap afterward , but I have trouble taking naps , so I just stayed awake and knitted and watched television . Grandpa was already at the festival , he was there all day . We went around 5 : 30 and looked through the vendors ' tent , the book booth , and Bars & Bells . Grandma and I played some Bars & Bells - it was my first time , and I won twenty - five dollars ! I was super excited about that . I had a meatball sandwich for dinner - my favorite festival fare . I hung out in the office for a while , knitting , talking , counting money , whatever . It was hot and muggy outside , so the air conditioned office was a haven . I met Joe and Ben , who 's grandparents are part of the festival like mine . They 're nice guys . Later , Grandma and I grabbed some pie and coffee . I spilled hot coffee on my hand and part of my shirt , so that was embarrassing , but the sugar cream pie I got was good . We did some more time in the office , and I was just going to hang in there and knit , but Joe , Ben , and Courtney invited me to join them . They were meeting a friend and going on a ride . I decided to join them . We all pitched in four dollars and bought a sheet of tickets , though between the five of us ( including the friend , Mary ) , we could only ride one ride , the Sizzler ( " The Scrambler " everywhere else ) . I crammed into a car with Joe and Courtney , and I felt embarrassed about my big hips . We could barely squeeze in together . I was so much bigger than Courtney and Mary , and about as tall as the boys . Then , I thought about my age . Joe would be eighteen , Courtney , seventeen . Ben is a sophomore at the University of Cincinnati , and so that would probably make him nineteen . I 'm twenty - two , old enough to drink and at least three years older than all of them . I felt awkward . They didn 't treat me as so , but I felt self - conscious , like I needed my own kind . I invited Alex to come to the festival next year so maybe I won 't feel that way again . Hopefully , that 's a possibility . After the ride and splitting off from the others , I joined Grandpa on a run . I picked up money from the booths and ran it over , escorted by a deputy . It was my first time and I felt very important ! I also passed out bags before the last hour of the festival , also a first . I spent the rest of the evening counting , though I took a break to call Alex . After midnight , I went with Grandpa , Kim , and a deputy to the bank to deposit money . I felt even more important ! I was super giddy because I had never done anything like that before . We got home a little earlier than the previous night , and then we had ice cream . I had a hard time falling asleep and had " The Name Game " going on in my head . Crazy . I did sleep , though it was hard to get up at 7 : 00 in the morning after a late night . I went with Grandma and Grandpa to church , and then helped get some things together for the festival . I said goodbye to Grandpa , and Grandma and I went back home . I had some coffee and read some of the newspaper . Then , I packed up my car and drove to Richmond , where I met up with my paternal grandparents . Grandma and Grandpa treated me to lunch at Applebee 's , which I requested because I knew I could get a nice salad there . We came back home , did some visiting , and had some ice cream . I was going to head to Muncie , but I realized how tired I was . I took a nap because I thought I would be at Muncie late . It was interrupted because Alex texted me . His car overheated in Fortville , so he couldn 't make it to Muncie . Another one of our meetings thwarted . I spent some more time with Grandma and Grandpa , and around 4 : 00 I headed off towards Muncie . It took me about an hour to get to Krista 's apartment , and we talked and watched the first episode of the new season of True Blood , since she hadn 't seen it . Robin came up to visit , too , and we went to Wal - Mart and got pizzas . It was tasty , and nice because I really didn 't feel like doing any tough cooking tonight . We watched The Birdcage , and after that , I decided it was time to come home . Overall , I 'd say it was a great trip . I saw and experienced a lot of different things , and came home with brownies , scones , zucchini , green peppers , rhubarb , yellow squash , storage containers , three knitting books , and a small sum of cash . Most of all , though , I got to spend some time with my family . And a deputy . And I got to sing in my car at the top of my lungs . More car problems plagued us , though . Mom 's clutch went out , and so I had to drive her to work on Monday and Tuesday and pick her up , which I wasn 't too pleased about . At least not on Monday , since I was exhausted from my trip . The good news is that got fixed , and hopefully , in a few weeks , Alex 's car will be fixed , too . I got to see him on Wednesday , and we went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows , Part 2 , and had dinner with his parents . I also got to see him this weekend . That was pretty much the only notable thing this past week , besides seeing my girls for So You Think You Can Dance on Wednesday as well . Anyway , though we didn 't do anything too interesting , it was just nice to be with him . I took him home this morning , and I miss him already . July 11 , 2011 in Rambling | Tags : books , family , friends , identity , July 4th , life , summer , work | Leave a comment Well , it 's been a few weeks since I 've posted here , so I figured it was about time . It 's been an interesting time between then and now - okay , not all of it , but some of it . The weekend following the post I wrote was really good . My grandparents showed up on the 23rd and spent the weekend with us . There was a Half - Price Books Clearance Sale at the State Fairgrounds , so we went . I shouldn 't have bought any books , but not a single item was over $ 3 , so I took that opportunity . I bought fifteen books - about $ 180 at new retail price - for $ 19 . So it was a great deal … and now I have about thirty books I own that I have never read . I 'm working on it . After the book sale , we went to Monical 's Pizza for lunch and then took a tour of my mom 's work . She 's been there a year and they had an open house . It was nice to finally see the inside . On that Sunday , my grandparents left and Alex , Scott , and I went up to Muncie for Thom 's birthday . Alex made falafel and I made jalapeno poppers and sangria . Of course , the sangria was solely for me . It was really good for a first - time recipe . It was a real good time , and I was glad to see everyone . I 'm trying to think about everything else that 's gone on , but it 's hard . I spend a lot of time around the house - reading , knitting , writing , watching television , avoiding things that I actually want and need to do , like clean my room , because I 'm not motivated . I 've read quite a few books lately , like I said before . I most recently finished The Awakening , and today I hope to finish Mrs . Dalloway . I 've started knitting my final charity blanket , I finished a second pair of socks and have been working on two stuffed elephants for two babies . The Fourth of July was good . Mom and I watched movies all weekend , and Alex came up and we played Frisbee and ate dinner with my mom . We drove to Anderson and sat in an empty parking lot watching the fireworks from my car and eating Ben & Jerry 's Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream . I 've had some pretty good days . On Wednesday nights , I go over to Jennifer 's and we watch So You Think You Can Dance . This past Wednesday , we swam at her grandparents ' house , ate pizza for dinner , and had Good 's ice cream for dessert . Not too much more happening , I 'm afraid , unless you were to ask my brain . My brain would tell you that it is tired of this shit . It 's hard to sleep anymore because even though I 'm tired , my mind still won 't stop working . Lately , I 've been conflicted with things . Things I want , things I don 't want , things that I should do , things that are rational . A job that will pay me a lot , or a job that will satisfy me in every way but paying me a lot , to stay local or to abandon my sane , rational inclinations and go out west to meet a friend . I attribute my confusion to my long - term bad habit of not being able to decide . It started as a child because I never wanted to rock the boat , to be demanding , and now it 's developed into , " Well , I 'm really comfortable with really any outcome , so I don 't know what to decide . " It happens with food to eat , places to go , movies to watch . I want to experience everything , and I don 't care in what order I do it . It will all happen eventually . Or at least , most of the time , that 's how it seems . But with these huge decisions , I just get freaked out . I look at the pros and the cons , and I know in my heart what I really want ( I refer to it as my " McCoy " ) , but my brain always seems to chip in with its ideas of what would be better in the long - run ( my " Spock . " ) . It sucks . Sometimes I try to stick out a bad situation , thinking that once I get through it , everything will be fine . That 's why I tried to stay in student teaching and work it out . I thought that if I just got through it , I 'd graduate and be a better person and have more options for career choices and I wouldn 't have to do teaching if I didn 't want to . I didn 't have a choice in the end . After working in a harsh environment with an abusive supervising teacher , angry teenagers who hated on me every day , and a university supervisor who ignored the warning signs , I caved . I couldn 't do it . I didn 't really want to do student teaching , and in a roundabout way , I didn 't have to do it anymore , though it wasn 't necessarily my choice to go how I did . I was kicked out ( though they won 't use that term , it 's basically what happened ) . I wasted time , a lot of money , and I withstood psychological abuse to get where I am now , which isn 't even that glamorous . I mentioned before that I was having a hard time deciding between a job that would pay me money and a job that would make me happy . I consulted friends and family members for advice , and everyone had good points - and points that I had made in my own deductions . I know that no one else can make a decision for me , and that I am solely responsible for my own decisions . Well , anyway , I was worrying about this decision so much that it was making me sick . It was harder to sleep , I was worried . I went to go meet Alex in Greenfield on Thursday , and I would normally be excited , but I just felt so dead inside . He had brought Scott along as a surprise , which was nice , but I only got to spend an hour with them , when I had expected more . I don 't even know how I drove home , to be honest . I was so upset . I spent the rest of the evening in a funk . I didn 't want to eat , I didn 't even want to talk to Alex . I felt so miserable and full of self - loathing . I thought of how worthless I was , how I had to go to this job because no one else would hire me and I was a total loser . I think it is the worst I 've felt in a long time . I did call Alex , though . It was 11 : 00 at night , and he had just woken up after an unexpected nap and had missed dinner . We ended up spontaneously meeting up at the same place we had met earlier , but at midnight . We had dinner together , a chance to redo our date . We talked and I felt a lot better , lighter . I drove home happy in the pouring rain , blasting LCD Soundsystem while going through sleepy little towns . On Friday , I went to orientation for the high - paying job that I waited three months for . Yeah , that 's right . The testing and interview process was swift . They said they wanted me . But then they made me wait three months . It was so they could get a " class " of what seemed to be about fifteen people for orientation . I went up to the place last Friday for orientation , and within the first twenty minutes , while we were listening to the guy talk while we followed along on our own handout , I realized that this job would be horrible for me . Yeah , I know , you have to start somewhere , but I could see no way how I would actually be able to get out of this place if I wanted to . I don 't even know how long my assignment would last . They could have brought me in for training , and then let me go after the first week . I would hate to wait three months only to work a week . I sat through over an hour of this orientation when I finally saw a break and was able to get the supervisor aside and tell him I didn 't want the job . He wanted to know why , and I said , " Well , I thought I wanted it , but I really didn 't . " I actually felt quite at peace with my decision . I may be too prideful , or delusional , or I don 't know . I know , it 's crazy . But I believe that I will find something better , one day . Someday , I will earn the exact same amount of money - or more - in a job that I enjoy , rather than one would make me hate myself every day . In the meantime while I find a job , I 'm trying to keep myself busy - again . Today , Alex and I went to Petsmart and looked at the kitties ( SO CUTE ! ) , went bowling , and had ice cream cones at Good 's before he left about two hours ago . I 'm leaving tomorrow for Cincinnati . My aunt Jo was bugging me to come visit her . She 'll pay me if I clean and organize her sewing studio ( and there 's a bonus if I find her stereo remote ! ) . Stella , the dog that she and Uncle Dave adopted , will be coming home on Wednesday , so I 'll be the first to meet her . I 'll be in Cincy until Friday , and then I 'm going to visit my ( maternal ) grandparents and see if I can keep myself busy at their church festival until Sunday morning . I 'll stop at my ( paternal ) grandparents ' house on Sunday for a short visit and lunch on my way to Muncie , where I 'll be hanging out with friends , a full loop . June 20 , 2011 in Rambling | Tags : family , friends , general deviancy , happiness , life , Pendleton , summer , television shows , work | Leave a comment After I wrote that last blog post , i went off to my interview . I walked in , they gave me an application to fill out , and I was led to a room where three other people were filling out their applications . The two other girls were wearing power suits , and the guy was also wearing a suit . I immediately thought of my own outfit , which was a nice blouse and a skirt . I felt out of place immediately . As I filled out the application , I realized that I was not the person that they wanted . I was almost finished with the application when I just - stopped . I stood up and walked out into the lobby , and gave the man in charge back my application packet , explaining that I didn 't feel I was qualified enough . He tried to talk me out of leaving , but I was too upset . I thanked him for the opportunity , and then walked out . I was sobbing before I got back to my car in the parking lot . I sat in my car for a little bit . It was hot , and I was humiliated . It had been my third interview opportunity since graduation , and I just blew it . But I didn 't want to stay however long they needed me to and then wait around for them to say that I wasn 't right for the position , when I knew from the get - go that I wasn 't . I didn 't want to go back home . I didn 't want to admit to my mom that I just blew it . So I called Alex . He was hanging out with Scott at his house since his car 's battery wasn 't yet replaced . He said I could come over . There was a horrendous mess of construction and accidents , so I ended up in my car for an hour in traffic , sweating , feeling a sense of shame and just being an absolute wreck . Yeah , that was awesome . I was so glad to finally get to Alex 's , though the back of my shirt was soaked with sweat by the time I got there - at least he gave me a shirt of his to wear instead . Scott was still there , and though I hadn 't originally intended on staying for dinner , I was invited to , so I did . It was really nice with Alex , his parents , and Scott there . It gave me a sense of a perfect family moment , and I don 't know when the last time I felt something like that . I was able to calm down ; I felt better when I told the truth about what had happened before I told my mom . It gave me a feeling of confidence when I was told that it was okay , and that everything will work out . After dinner , Alex , Scott , and I played a game of Torres , ate berries with whipped cream , and watched some E3 coverage before I went home . I felt better - not great , but better by the time I got home . Nothing much else happened that week , though I have been trying to write and read every day , and I 've been knitting like crazy . I finished a pair of socks , and I 'm working on another one . I 'll probably have that second pair done by Thursday . I still sit on my ass a lot and watch Nip / Tuck and True Blood . I still haven 't had the motivation to work on moving all my stuff into a more permanent arrangement , but I know I need to do it . Last Sunday , I went back up to Muncie . Alex had been there the night before , and the guys didn 't actually end up playing Dungeons and Dragons . It cramped mine and Krista 's girlie time , but we still made cottage pie , watched Juno , and played Mario Party with Alex and Tanner . Alex went home with me and stayed the night , which was a nice relief . Then , I had been invited to see Sarah and stay with her on Monday , so I kicked Alex out early and made it to Columbus by noon . Sarah and I ate Indian food ( and had Indian food babies ) , walked around , went to the park and walked around , had a lot of good heart - to - heart time , had ice cream sodas , knit , played with her dogs ( Her dogs were really cute and made me want to have a dog , but I know that I 'm very much a cat person - I guess it 's the same way with other people 's kids . ) , ate artisan bread and had iced lattes while watching The Green Hornet . I know that 's a huge run - on sentence . No , I 'm not going to correct it . So yeah , I had a lovely time with my Sarah . It was unbelievable that we crammed all that into our time together , and that when I left it was actually Tuesday . Time is really strange when you don 't have any actual daily commitments like a job or school . You can have your weekend anytime , all the time … I went back home and did some relaxing , but I also had to go buy another new phone because while I was at Sarah 's , I realized the screen on mine was broken . Since I like being able to know who I 'm calling , who is calling me , and the ability to text , I went out and replaced it . I got the same model as the last , and the one before that ( the one who 's fate ended up in toilet back in December ) , but this time with insurance . It needs it if I 'm its owner . Friday and Saturday were True Blood days with my mom . She hasn 't seen the third season yet , and we decided to rewatch the first two , which was probably a good idea since I forgot some of what happened , and we finished the second season on Saturday night . We 're rather crazy . Yesterday was Father 's Day and I called my two grandpas and my dad . My maternal grandparents will be coming in on Thursday night and staying until Sunday afternoon , so it will be good to see them . Then I drove up to Krista 's and the guys weren 't playing D & D again this week , we had already arranged our hanging - out time . It was just me , Nick , and Krista there . We watched The Breakfast Club because Krista had never seen it before , and then Krista and I made enchiladas . Nick brought out his Dance Dance Revolution game , and we tried to play , but one pad was dead and the other one had a finicky back arrow that filled us with frustration . I left at about 9 : 00 and went home . Mom and I watched another episode of True Blood before she went to bed . I woke up this morning around 7 : 30 . The bedroom was orange because of the glow of the rising sun . It was sort of fantastical . I went back to sleep , though , and woke up to a huge , gray thunderstorm . I haven 't yet done anything of note today , but I 'm excited for this evening because I get to see my boy . Hopefully the weather 's nice , because we were planning to walk around outside . I 'm not exactly sad - definitely not like how I was before graduation , but I am in a slump . It 's hard to get motivated . I haven 't read or wrote anything in the past week , and I haven 't done much of anything . Well , that 's not entirely true , but if you were around me at all this past week , you would also say that I 'm being a lazy bum . I haven 't even really unpacked , since I 've been bouncing between Pendleton , Muncie , and on one occasion , Lexington . My clothes are in the dressers , but my toiletries are still in a travel bag , and I just haven 't had the motivation to unpack or sort through all my belongings . I 'm hoping next week I will be able to pull myself together and get to work . No word on my job . Well , I mean , I got it , it 's just that the training hasn 't started yet , and it 's been over a month since I had the interview and was told that the people want me . I 'm not feeling totally optimistic . I really want to start working . I need the money , and I need some sort of structure or schedule to my day . I got to see my boy on Wednesday . We watched FLCL ( one of the gifts he got me for graduation ) , listened to LCD Soundsystem 's This is Happening ( the other gift he got me for graduation ) , and went to Sno Castle and had our first snocones of the season . Yum . Thursday was my mom 's birthday , and I made her a nice dinner and for dessert , margarita cupcakes . They 're pretty good cupcakes , though I messed up on the frosting and it was really drippy . I liked the lime flavor of the cupcakes , even though I feel like they ended up being too sweet for me . We also watched Red , which is full of awesome . Friday was a good day . I got out of the house and met my mom during her break for lunch . We ate at Monical 's , a pizza place I had never been before . It was nice . Afterward , I spent some money . I ended up at Always in Stitches , a yarn store nearby that I had never been before , and fought my urge to buy really pretty , great , but expensive yarn . Maybe another day . Probably another day . I stopped by Barnes and Noble , where I picked up The Call of Cthulhu , and Best Buy , where I bought Deadmau5 's 4 × 4 = 12 . After that , I drove to Anderson and bought some yarn at Hobby Lobby . I know , I bought yarn anyway , but in my defense , it was for a current project ( and a few future prospective projects … ) . I came back home and wrote fifteen thank - you notes in one sitting , which I 'm pretty sure is a new record for me . Saturday , Mom and I hung out the whole day . We both ran our own errands in the morning , and then watched movies on television for the the majority of the day . I finally convinced her that we should go to the library and get movies , so we did that and watched The Hangover and Hot Tub Time Machine . I got most of the way through knitting a hat , realized I messed it up , and had to restart it . By 8 : 30 , we had finished both our movies and were incredibly bored . And that was the story of the night . Yesterday , it took me forever to get motivated . I finished the hat I was knitting the night before , packed up my things ( reluctantly , since I 'm so sick and tired of moving around ) , and drove down to Lexington . Cindy is on a business trip this week , and Dad asked if I could help him out with the boys . Because I haven 't started working yet , I took up his offer . I didn 't have any problems on the drive , except it rained the whole time and I was bored because it was a three - hour trip and there was no one to talk to , unless you count talking to yourself . I stayed up late last night , even though I shouldn 't have , and Dad woke me up at 5 : 30 before he left . He had done most of the preparation from last night , but I was very efficient at getting my brothers up , dressed , fed , hair fixed ( you should see the bedheads on those kids ) and at the bus stop , all while playing Pokemon Yellow on my Gameboy Color . Yes , I 'm twenty - two . Don 't judge me . I stayed up a little after the boys left , mostly because I had a cup of coffee , but I went back to bed around 8 : 00 . I woke up two hours later , and lately , I 've been doing a whole lot of nothing . I think I have three hours before the kids get home from school , so I should probably workout and take my shower . Tomorrow , the kids are off school , so I 'll be hanging out with them all day . May 9 , 2011 in Rambling | Tags : family , friends , graduation , happiness , identity , life , school | Leave a comment My last day as an undergraduate , Friday , had been a pretty good day . I walked to the Senior Party held at the Alumni Center , hung out with Geldes , Matt , and Thom , drank three rum and cokes , and ate some pizza and my ( possibly ) last Carter 's hot dog . I was pretty tipsy . That was fun . I went back to campus with the guys , and Nick and James found us . No one really seemed to be hanging out , though . James took me back to my apartment so I could finish some packing . As soon as I walked in , one of my roommates was walking out . She didn 't say a word to me . I started working on things , and realized that she had taken stuff out of the cabinets ( and thrown away the banana I was saving for Saturday morning ) . The fridge was full . I texted her to ask what was hers , and she told me to throw out everything . Let 's get this straight - I rarely saw her take out the trash the entire school year , never cleaned the bathroom she shared with another one of our roommates , cried at the beginning of the year when we confronted her about dish duty ( and therefore , we all started washing our own dishes ) , and never seemed to vacuum - and then all she does to prepare our moving out is to put all her stuff in one corner and take everything out of the cabinets . That 's it . She didn 't vacuum , she didn 't clean out the fridge full of food that only two items were actually mine , and she certainly wasn 't one of the people cleaning the stove or moving the fridge to clean behind it . What a selfish , lazy child . Anyway , my rage at her sobered me up rather quickly . I cleaned out the fridge and freezer , found an unopened pint of Haagen - Dazs Dulce de Leche ice cream I claimed as my reward , cleaned up my room , vacuumed that and the hall , wiped down the inside of all the cabinets , and then called Krista . Sarah had mentioned that she and Thom were hanging out at Krista 's new place , which I hadn 't seen yet . Besides , my roommates had taken or packed all their utensils away , so there were no spoons . I got directions , and drove over to Krista 's apartment , where James , Nick , Sarah , and Thom were as well . I ate my ice cream , and then we all played Telephone Pictionary . I went back to my empty apartment near midnight . I played music on my computer and painted my nails purple , since that 's all I could do . The internet had been disconnected , and I had already finished reading The Glass Castle earlier that day . Then I tried to sleep , but I was too excited about Saturday , so I didn 't actually fall asleep until 2 : 00 . I woke up early and took a bath . We had no shower curtains , so that was pretty much my only option . I chugged a chocolate protein shake and ate a granola bar - like a boss - and fixed my hair and makeup . I packed my car , checked the apartment for any last items I may have forgotten , slipped into my cap and gown , and then headed to campus . Because of weather , the main ceremony was moved inside . I was a little early , but I was kept on my toes by phone calls from friends and family . Anyway , I decided to go inside and wait for Sarah . I was wearing high heels , and the first steps inside Worthen Arena were slick concrete . Put one and one together , and what do you think happened ? Suddenly , I took a tumble on the steps . I was in shock and embarrassed . Several people asked me if I was all right . One woman came up and helped me walk down the remaining steps . I was overwhelmed from the incident and the fact that I had no idea what I was doing , and started crying ; I was able to regain my composure quickly , though . They asked me if I wanted a medic , and I declined . I had a bunch of scrapes and bruises , and I was limping a little , but overall , I was okay . I waited for Sarah , and I sat in between her and Brandon for the first commencement ceremony . It was boring and I was either almost falling asleep or making wisecracks with Sarah . There was even a moment where we were whispering the words to " Mulatto Butts " from Archer and giggling . After that , we were able to track down our respective families . Pictures were taken , we waited for my grandparents , took more pictures , took me to return my apartment key , and then ate lunch . When we returned to campus , I was able to find my dad and his side of the family . They went to my cousin Brian 's graduation from the college of Telecommunications and needed to grab something to eat before going to the Sciences and Humanities one for me ( and Brian , who had a double major ) at 3 : 00 . Since I was in the English portion of the Sciences and Humanities graduation , I was able to sit near Laura , Brandon , and Missy . It was like a mini - reunion , and we were all happy . It wasn 't really that strange admitting what had happened to me in student teaching , and what my plans ( though uncertain ) I have for the future . Everyone seemed supportive and happy for me , though my circumstances were unfortunate . The second ceremony went by with a woosh , and then I took some pictures with dad 's side of the family before it was time to go . I took off my cap , gown , and high heels to drive on the way home . Alex rode with me , though I felt bad because the stop - and - go traffic on our way out of Muncie made him a little ill . We made it back to my house , I changed into comfortable clothes , and solicited my brothers in helping me unload my car . Then it was party time , full of friends , family , and others . It was nice , and we had the right amount of food for everyone . It was fun . I know I was hesitant about walking in graduation and about having my graduation party because of all that had happened , but I 'm now really glad I did it . It was quite a whirlwind day , and I opened my presents and cards after everyone left . Alex gave me FLCL on DVD and LCD Soundsystem 's last album , which makes me suspect that he 's been looking at my Amazon Wishlist . I was also pleasantly surprised because Aunt Jo and Uncle Dave gave me two books - one written by Katie Couric on the best advice compiled from famous people , and Tina Fey 's new book , which made me squeal with joy because Tina is definitely one of my favorite famous people ever .

I 'll introduce myself first . My name is Allison and I 'm a student at a university down south . I 've been a long time lurker of this site and have always enjoyed reading everyone 's posts . I 'm 20 years old and in okay shape , but I eat well so I 'm a good pooper . I haven 't really had anything to post ever until today so I 'll share . I start classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 9 a . m . and finish at 6 : 30 p . m . . I ate Chinese food for lunch today , I typically try to eat vegetarian so I had tofu and vegetables . I have a long gap between my last two classes so a few hours after lunch I went to a quiet spot in our student center to do some work on my computer to fill my 2 hours . I sat in the corner in our lounge with some other students quietly studying . I was holding in some spicy farts burning at my rear , but didn 't want my fellow students to overhear . Eventually everyone filed out except for one last boy wearing headphones so I slipped a fart out and felt a poop pressing right on my hole . I continued to lift up my butt and tilt it to the side to allow my gas to slip out easily . I farted a few more times over the next 20 minutes , all audible but not enough for the headphones boy to hear . I continued to feel the slight pressure of a small , sharp poop pressing to come out . I felt another fart coming on while headphones boy was looking in my direction so I gave it a push and farted quietly into the seat . Unfortunately with the added pressure , a little but of my poop started to slip out . I quickly pinched it , lodging the small piece between by cheeks . I decided this probably meant it was time to find a bathroom , so I packed up my things and carefully walked to the restrooms on the floor . Since this part of the building is so quiet , the large bathroom was totally empty . I sat myself down on the seat , shook the pebble out from my cheeks , and had a long pee . I sat there relaxing for a moment waiting to start my poop when another girl came in and took a stall two down . She had a good pee and I waited for her to leave , but she stayed . We tried to wait each other out , but eventually a bubbly fart from her stall broke the silence followed by a small plop . I relaxed a bit and let a long log crackle out and hit the water with a faint pat . She seemed to be a bit constipated , she kept making small grunts and then what sounded like small splashes . We were poopinLove this community . A while back , I posed about a wetting accident I had during a boat tour ride . I already had to pee when I boarded , but I thought they had restrooms on board , but no , I should have taken care of that at the port or ticketing area . The lady who was an attendant on board told me there was a porta potty at the dock mid - tour where the get off the boat & walk , but I didn 't make it that long . This actually happened to me 3 times over about a 2 year time frame . I had not had wetting accidents as an adult prior to that . The first time I was driving through a fairly rural area & stopped at a gas station to use the restroom because I had to pee really bad . It was winter & I saw that the restroom was closed so I asked the woman at the counter about it & she said they had frozen & broken plumbing . She said she was sorry & told me where the nearest restroom might be . I didn 't even get back to my car & I started wetting . The second time , I was traveling with my nephew & I stopped to use the restroom , but they were closed for cleaning so I figured I 'd just drive to the next town & stop there , but mid - way between towns , it really got urgent . My nephew knew I had to go bad , but he wasn 't too concerned . . in , fact , he was starting to go to sleep . I completely wet myself before getting to the next town . He woke up as we were entering the next town . He said . . " So , you 're stopping in this town ? " I said " I don 't have to anymore & he looked over & saw & said " Oh my God , Uncle Jim , you didn 't make it in time ! " He told me he 'd always worried that was going to happen to him . I saw a urologist after those incidents , but he said he really thinks it was more bad luck - poor planning than anything else . he suggested going before it ever gets close to urgent & I have had no incidents since so as Stacie or B . posted about close calls or accidents . It can happen to anyone . in Response to Krista E . I generally never had issues with pooping accidents except for two times I can remember , but they were due to bouts with diarrhea . One was in the fourth grade in school when I got the stomach flu during the school day . I asked to go to the restroom because I felt like I was going to puke & she let me go & I did , but then when I got back to my seat , I felt the diarrhea coming on & asked my teacher if i could go again because I was sick . " She said , it 'll be recess in about five minutes so go then & just then , I went in my pants . My most embarrassing moment in school . The other time was when I went to a church function with a woman who was an old friend of the family . The incident you described kind of reminded me of that . We were on our way back to another town where I had left my car to join her & all of the sudden , I felt like I was getting diarrhea , but I didn 't think it 'd get too bad that soon . I was just out of school a couple of years so at that age when sometimes we feel invincible . As we headed toward the next town , I told her about my developing situation . She said we should stop , but no , I said " I 'll be ok until I get to the next town . When we got to the next town , we stopped at a convenience store & I really had to go bad by now so I rushed in , but saw that there were many people waiting for the restroom . I started having an accident so I went back outside by her car & had a massive accident . She was in the store paying for her gas . When she came out to her car . I was so nervous I could hardly speak . I told her I didn 't make it in time . She was so supportive . She gave me a towel to sit on while she gave me a ride to my car . She just kept saying . . . " Don 't worry about it . don 't feel bad . anyone can have an accident , usually it 's little kids who have an accident , but we have accidents too . " Last spring I traveled to about 12 junior highs and middle schools to get signups for a summer camp for athletes that my university sponsors . Of course each community is different , but I learned more about the schools and how they 've changed since I was that age about 14 years ago . Adam and I had been out at a sports bar late one night . We had a lot to drink and probably not enough to eat to neutralize the liquor . The next morning I was still feeling the impact . I had to drive about an hour away to present our program at a school . I knew I had to get some food in me so I stopped at the Union before leaving campus and downed two donuts with my coffee . The main first floor bathroom was nearby so I decided to stop and drain . However , there was a three - deep wait for each stall and I didn 't want to upset the school principals by being late . So I started my drive immediately to my school assignment . I actually made pretty good time despite heavy traffic and as I made forward progress , I started to get another reminder of the late partying . It was obvious that my bowels were in need of an evacuation too . Often , the day after I 've done a lot of partying I will have a blast or two of diarrhea . It builds slowly , accelerates , and then with butt - on - seat warm - to - hot crap blasts out of me . It 's messy and needs a lot of wiping . And then my skin on my butt becomes sore because of all the wiping and the coarseness of the toilet paper in many places . I drove into the school parking lot . Parked , Pulled out my exhibit materials and did a fast trot to the doorway . The intestinal pouch I was holding back was hurting me more and more , as I rang for the security guard to open the door . He was probably at the other end of the building and I was standing there in pain . So vulnerable to messing up my designer jeans and blue thong , that I pulled out my phone and was ready to call the secretary when the guard finally opened the door . Immediately I saw a problem . It was a passing period . But I still asked him to quickly direct me to the bathroom . Fortunately it was very close to the door . I left my exhibit materials in a corner and quickly started dodging around clusters of girls standing and talking , just as I did in my playing days with my defenders . Once I got into the bathroom there was another three - deep group waiting for each of about the 10 cubicles . It was obvious that I stood out in the group . A visitor . I 'm 6 ' , 5 " and I looked desperate to get on the toilet . The girl in front of me said she 'd get a pass to come back later and that I could have her place . I asked her name and thanked her nicely . Suddenly , the door in front of me opened , a blonde that looked so young , came out while she was still pulling up her shorts . She looked feverishly at her phone , grabbed her book bag , and started the run to class , just as what I suspect was the tardy bell , rang . My first job was to quickly flush her pee which was obvious in the bowl . I dropped my jeans and thong and I dropped my butt onto the seat . The first diarrhea blast was fast and furious . As it came , I tried to latch the door in front of me and was surprised there was no lock or latch or any evidence of there having been one . But I looked up and could see the height of the door or the panels only went up to mid - chest for me . Looking to my left and right I could see fully the heads and a little more of the two students seated next to me . Both must have been crapping and were risking a tardy check because they didn 't lAs I sat uncomfortably , I was hopeful that my toiletmates weren 't getting too much of the stench of my diarrhea . The low size of the toilet was such that my tailbone and only a small part of my back thigh was touching the seat , because my legs were indeed raised in front of me . My pee started as fast as the diarrhea had and was hitting the toilet bowl with a vengeance . I 'm sure that the heavy splashing into the water was easily heard by those around me and it ran through my mind what my boyfriend Adam has told me when I asked him how much I had drank last night . He said keeping track of the pitchers can be problematic . Instantly , I got a bad cramp and that led to another diarrhea blast that so so painful that I caught myself just before muttering the F - word . This drain seemed a little less liquid and resulted in a couple of well formed logs that hit hard and splashed my backside . I could feel the result was pretty gross . I heard the girl on the left stand , do a quick wipe , flush and I saw her shorts come up off her shoes . I figured the girl on the right must have had a dress on because all I could see was her white underwear about a foot above her feet . All I could see was the top of her head so she obviously had it down and she was concentrated on her crap . Next , and this is something a bit unusual for me , I released more pee and at pretty much the same time another formed turd dropped out of me . At that point I figured I was done so I quickly stood , looked at the bowl and almost vomited when I took a fast look at what was in the toilet . Then I re - seated myself and was ready for the cleaning . I looked to my left , and without recognizing a problem at first , I grabbed for the toilet paper . Something didn 't seem right . Then when I took time to comprehend it , I became furious . There was a plastic dispenser and I would pull down one small square of toilet paper with one hand and it would be about 4 " by 4 " and single ply . I looked at it with astonishment and let out a muffled F - bomb that I 'm sure the girl to my right . Don Hi everyone , so this is my first post here on the site . I ' am not that good at writing stories so today I ' am going to tell you about today 's dump at school . So I woke up at 5 : 30 in the morning today ) . I got in the shower and spiked my hair after wards . I then ate a fruit bar and some orange juice ( this is what I eat every morning ) . I drove myself to school . Soon after that , my girlfriend texted me and asked me to meet me outside the hallway of my 1st period class . So we meet outside the hallway of our class and we start talking for a little bit , then of corse we kiss and hug afterwards . Then I went to my first period class . There were no issues . As soon as I start to proceed to my second period class , I started to have really bad stomach cramps . So as soon as I walked into the door , I asked the teacher i was going down to the nurses office , and that I would return . So I walked down to the nurses office . I told the nurse I had stomach cramps . She asked me what I had to eat I told her what I had . Then she asked me if I was going to vomit , I said no . She then asked me when was the last time I pooped . I said yesterday . So she told me I needed to try to try to go poop . So I said I would try to go . So she directed me to the bathroom . I closed the door . And as soon as I closed the door , a girl walked in the nurses office and said she needed to go poop badly , so she told the nurse that she was embarrassed to go in front of her friends . So she rushed into the bathroom and closed the door . I heard the door slam shut and locked . So I got down to business . I put a seat cover on the seat , and I plopped down on the seat . After about 30 seconds , I grabbed hold of my p * * * * and started to pee . My pee lasted for about 40 seconds . I then heard a explosion from the other bathroom fall owed by liquid shit hitting the bowl . The walls are thin , so I hard everything . I could hear grunting . I then started to push some poop out . This first couple came out easily and made a small plop sound . I then started to hear the girl pushing some more Hope you enjoyed the story I went into my room and went over to the bucket , and removed the lid . I pulled my pants and underwear down to just below my knees while standing . I then lowered myself onto the bucket . It 's a size that fits me just right , so I can sit on it without hanging off the edge . Once I was in position , I began to pee . I had a nice and fairly comfortable piss while sitting there on the bucket . Wen I had finished peeing , I had to get off the bucket to wipe myself , and then I pulled up my pants . I replaced the bucket lid , and then used a hand wipe to clean my hands . I then went to clean out the bucket . Hi everyone ! Those of you following my posts may remember that I follow a high fiber diet that makes use of lots of vegetarian recipes . When I was a pre - teen I suffered symptoms of what would be called IBS today , alternating with constipation and diarrhea . It led my parents to switch me to a very strict diet that consisted of numerous vegetarian recipes even though we did not go vegetarian . That , along with high fiber cereal has helped me to produce an average of two , large , voluminous bowel movements on a daily basis . So , I have been married to Alan for nearly three months and over the summer , we began eating like this as a family . The girls - I call them Chloe and Zoe to keep them somewhat anonymous - were reluctant at first . However , we created a reward system so that they would eat well . Alan told me that he felt like he had lots more energy and did not feel full all the time . He said his bowel movements were huge and felt good . Zoe , the fair - skinned red head who is outgoing , sassy and her own person , has made it a habit of telling me how big her poo poos are . Chloe is very reserved and self conscious . She is blonde , athletically built and ( I think ) very beautiful as an 11 - year - old . Yet , she tries not to call attention to herself when she goes to the bathroom , whether it is to pee or to poop . But she does not want to call attention to herself when she poops . I wrote about her diarrhea accident a few weeks ago , and that mortified her , especially when her sister brought it up . However , this story comes along the lines of the diet change . On Sunday , we ate lunch with my parents after church . And , of course , my parents serve some more vegetarian friendly dishes , to go along with some baked salmon . We ate , talked for a bit , and decided we needed to get back home to rest . When we got home Chloe headed straight to the bathroom without saying a word . She emerged about five minutes later , red faced and trembling , and asked if I would come to the bathroom . Now , I wondered if she had gotten her period , even though she is only 11 . When I got to the restroom I saw the lid down . I could smell poop , but it was not that strong . She lifted the lid and asked , " Catherine , is this normal ? ? " When she did I saw the most perfectly formed brown turd . The head did not make it down the hole , and it curved all around the bowl . " Chloe , that looks like a very healthy bowel movement to me . What 's the problem ? " I asked , trying to say as little as possible to avoid embarrassing her . She said , " I have never gone to the bathroom like this . I almost had an accident . Most of the time , when I poo ( her word ) it comes out in lots of plops and my stomach hurts a little . This felt really different , but in a good way . " I looked at her and said , " I am glad you feel comfortable that you can ask me about personal things when you are not sure . Maybe your bowel movements are not supposed as large , but this is more like how a normal movement feels . " I left her and gave her some privacy to clean up . Later that day I talked to her about her digestive health , my experiences , and that she should feel comfortable talking to me or her daddy about any concerns she had with her body . But , the poop itself looked even big for me ! I don 't know how all of that came out of her ! I was at Walmart walking around when I had the urge to poop . I made my way to the toilets . There were 5 stalls all empty so I took the 3rd one and sat down , I felt some poop coming and I let out a windy fart . I pushed and felt a long log pushing it 's way out , then a girl who looked around 18 with blonde hair took the stall besides me and started pushing . Another girl with red hair took the other remaining stall beside me and was farting . I heard a loud plop from the blonde girl and she left . I squeezed out another big log that landed with a splash , the girl next to me did a few loud plops and then wiped and left . I still needed to do some more poop when my friend Kylee recognized my shoes and took the stall next to me , she asked if I needed to poop too I said yes . I pushed and did a huge log , along with Kylee who pushed out a big pile . I looked in my toilet and saw 8 9 " logs , Kylee grunted and let out a massive 15 " log . We both did one more big push , I did a good 6 " turd and Kylee took the biggest dump I 've ever seen a 18 " coiled log . We both wiped and clogged the toilets . I 'll have more stories soon . Thanks Simmee : Great story ! I think it 's nice that your city improved the park . My local park only has these old smelly Porta - Potties and I try to avoid them , so I always have to jog 2 blocks over to a shopping centre to use the bathroom . Your kids sound very sweet , and I enjoyed your story immensely . Krista E . : Your sister was so nice to help you out then , and I 'm sorry to hear that you got grounded by your mom whenever you had an accident . When I was younger , my biggest fear about accidents were that my friends would find out too . I would just die of embarrassment , even now . 1 . When you need to poop very , very , extremely urgently , but you are holding it in , do you shudder ? ( For some reason , I do . I also sometimes feel a chill go up my spine , and then get goosebumps all over . ) 2 . When you are constipated but don 't want other people hearing you push , or being able to tell that you are constipated , what do you do ? ( For example , my mom , when she gets constipated , she makes those weird noises that sound like " umph " that you can 't tell if it 's a sigh or a grunt . When I used to live in my parents ' house , I used to hear it a lot through the door , when she thought I couldn 't hear her pooping . ) I was at the mall to get some school supplies and to see some new tablets . It was near lunch so I went to the food court which was already busy and a group from my school had a large table and invited me over . This one girl Geri who was in line to get their food texted them and said she could get my order too . I noticed that her kid brother ( who is about 4 or 5 ) was at the table and he seemed mad at me , probably because I was getting so much attention . Finally Geri texted that there was too much food and drinks for her to carry . I quickly joined her at the window and between us we had a lot to carry back to the table . I 'm the only one in the group I guess that drinks Dr . Pepper and Geri forgot to ask which of the large drinks was the Dr . Pepper . So there was some sampling of each ; Emiline faked getting sick and then wiping it off her tongue . Then she had it passed over to me . I couldn 't believe it but Geri started a conversation about certain sodas working as laxatives . This was something I had not heard before , and especially girls saying it . We were eating away and were continuing the conversation when Geri 's little brother tugged on her and said he had to ' wee - wee . ' Of course , that drew laughter . Geri said he was at the age where she no longer felt comfortable taking him in with her . So the attention turned to me . I was happy to volunteer , I guess . Matthew 's very energetic . As we started for the bathroom right on the other side of the food court , I took his hand because the mall was pretty packed and I didn 't want to lose him . Finally , we got to the bathroom . There were about 10 urinals . Each was mounted on the wall and had a little bowl just a little higher than his reach . He immediately dropped his shorts all the way to his shoes . He was trying to get his organ up higher so he could hit the bowl . But even standing on his toes wouldn 't cut it . I told him I didn 't think it was healthy to have his organ ( he calls it a ' water spout ' ) against or over the bowl . I quickly turned him around and keeping his underwear down , led him to one of the 10 or so cubicles behind us . Luckily the toilet bowl was lower so the issue didn 't remain . He used both his hands to direct his ' spout ' and its ' wee - wee ' into the bowl . But he also moved his weight a little when his left shoe slipped a little in what I think was piss on the floor in front of the toilet . When the noise into the bowl stopped , Matthew immediately pulled up his clothing and ran back to where I was standing . There were others waiting for each toilet . A man in a red ball cap took the toilet , but quickly turned and grabbed my shirt . He pointed to the seat and told me my ' brother ' left the mess and asked what should be done about it . I noticed there was some pee splashed on the left side of the seat . He asked us a second time what should be done about it . Without thinking , I just said ' wipe it off , I guess ' . I took Matthew through the crowd . At the sinks , he needed some help in getting to the liquid soap . Otherwise , he did a good job and wiped his hands on his shorts . As we were trying to walk through the crowd , I noticed Matthew trying to sneak a couple of looks at the guy on the toilet . I had to kind of push him forward to get out of there as fast as I could . Geri asked if everything went OK with Matthew and I said petty much so . As we finished our food , the girls decided to go off to the clothing stores . With a few minutes I knew I had to crap . I went upstairs to a different smaller bathroom . There were no stall doors . I went into the farthest toilet , pulled off toilet paper and placed it over the seat , and I had a rather soft crap . It came out in two spurts . I needed five wipes to complete the process . I flushed and it all went down . The flush was mean and I got a few sprinkles on me as I was pulling up my briefs and shorts . Unfortunately all six of the soap dispensers were out and a couple of them were obviously broken . I was lucky I had already eaten but I hadn 't washed my hands before I went down to the electronics store . A couple years ago , I had a close friend that I was quite attracted to . We took a road trip one day and in the middle of it , we were about to pull up to a place to have a picnic and watch the water . I was also needing to go to the bathroom . I saw her squirming a bit , and asked how she was feeling . She said she needed to make a number two and was glad we were stopping . I told her the bathroom was the first thing on my agenda . We park , and both leave all our things in the car and move quickly toward the ladies bathroom . I went in first and took the first stall of three . I probably wouldn 't have been so bold , but she took the stall right next to me . My heart was pounding because not only was I about to take a major poop in front of a girl I liked , but I was going to hear a girl I liked " make a number two . " We both sounded eager to drop our pants , she was wearing these light colored jeans I always liked on her , I remembered them as I listened to her pull them down and set her quite large butt on the toilet . As soon as her ass hit the seat , she heaved a sigh and said , almost without control " Oh . . . poop . . . " each word echoed by a huge blast of air and what sounded like humongous turds . I was almost too turned on to relax , but I was glad she broke the ice . She was never shy anyway . I pushed and grunted a bit , feeling comfortable enough in her big poops having just blasted the toilet . A wide poop stretched my anus , and fell in chunks at about ten inches for about six good poops . She grunted pretty hard and I could hear another poop crackling out of her . Hers fell , and so did another of mine . She started getting a little gassier , more poop coming out with force seemingly every time she breathed . I was making a pretty big mountain . I held it in for a minute and listened to her . Her gas had settled down but she still had steady crackling punctuated by chunks of her poop falling into the bowl . I was impressed by what a big , solid dump she was taking . I flushed my toilet after a moment , and sat , holding back a large load of more big poops , listening to her endless pooping . Poop after poop crackled and plopped out of her large behind . But once I couldn 't hold it , I moaned and released another big load of poop , faster and harder than I had been doing before . I heard her pooping lighten a bit , as though she was listening . I almost felt like I was having a competition with her , or we were impressing each other . We both stopped a moment and she said , " Wow . . . I mean , I really didn 't know I had to poop so much . " I said , " That makes two ! " We sat for a moment in silence . Her toilet flushed and for a moment I thought she was done . " You still poopin ? " I asked . She responded by pushing out a big poop and laughing in that deep voice of hers . Then she dropped another poop , and another . Soon I was going poop again too , and then out of nowhere she said , " I um . . . I 'm going to be a while . Do you . . . have you ever . . . do you want to watch it come out ? " I thought I was going to die . I tried to sound casual when I said , " Shit , gotta try new things , right ? You weirdo ! " in a playful way . I wasn 't really done pooping , but I wiped and flushed , poop still splashing into her toilet . She unlocked her stall door and held it in for a moment as she stood up . It was intense when she stood up because the stall was tiny so she was pressed against me with her pants down . She looked into my eyes and we both blushed . She proceeded to turn around , no easy task with such a big bum , and straddled the toilet . I squatted down and leaned against the stall door . She moaned softly , and a giant poop began to emerge from her asshole . Like at least two and a half inches wide . It moved with some speed , and then I noticed the mammoth load already underneath her curvy body , perched regally on her trashy park bathroom toilet . She looked back and met my eye and I thought I was going to lose it , in terms of being turned on . By the look she gave me , she knew I was feeling something . I told her she should flush and she did , but I was sad to see that load go . But as soon as she did , her butthole opened up wide and she began making poop into the toilet once again . Since I hadn 't finished my own dump , I was starting to need to release some more beasts . I made a bold move and started undoing my pants . " I 'm sorry , " I said , " But I 've gotta poop more and I can 't make it back over there , " as I slid up behind her on the toilet . " Hey ! I 'm pooping here already , " she said , but by her giggles , gasps and glances , I could tell she was just as turned on as I was . " Well make room , " I told her . And she did . As soon as I could scoot forward enough to not make a mess , a huge poop flew out of my ass and splashed both our asses . I felt like she was about to complain but dropped her own ass - splashing poop into our toilet . Poop continued to come out of us for several flushings , both of us grunting and me definitely enjoying the proximity . I couldn 't believe this was happening . She continued dropping ropes of poop into the toilet for a long time . Banana - like pieces of poop were coming out of me , and she was dropping chunks for a while . She moaned and started working one out , grunting . " Big one , huh ? " I asked . She responded , " Nnnnrrrgggh , yeeah . . . ughhh , oh , it 's pretty big . " I scooted back and she kinda presented her ass to me by arching her back so I could get a better view . It was impressive . At least three inches wide , moving pretty slow , dark brown and smooth , it grew in the course of six or seven minutes to at least 18 " long before breaking off and causing her to heave a sigh of relief . After that , I moved back into my spot up against her to poop some more . After a flush and another few loads of poop , I began to wrap up . Soon she was finished as well , and we sat a moment in silence . " Okay . . . that was definitely trying new things . Do , um , do you want to wipe me ? " That freaked me out a little , but I said yes , got some courage and we took turns bending each other over a bit over the toilet and wiping each other 's bums . At the end of it , we were both still a little awkward ( had been the whole time ) , but her normally not - affectionate self grabbed me gently under my ears and pulled my head into her shoulder and then slid her hands down my back and closed herself into me for a tight , close , tender hug . She sort of almost kissed my neck , and we stepped back , walked out of the stall , without saying a word , and had our picnic by the water . Nothing happened after that , we never talked about it , and continued being friends for years , just leaving that as a cherished memory that I sometimes wonder whether or not it really happenedSometimes it 's weird , right ? Sorry for my disappearance ! I was winding up my summer job and adjusting to school again . Now I 'm back with some survey answers for all of you ! I 'll start with Jenny ( Skidmarked in the 206 ) 's . Does it make a difference whether you are peeing or pooping when you bring your panties to your ankles , knees , or thighs ? For me , yes it does . I take my panties ( boyshorts , thong , bikini or whatever else ) to my thighs or knees for a pee and always further down for a number two . It 's a comfort thing ; taking them to my calves or ankles allows me to move around more and also the distraction of gently snapping the waistband of my undies against my leg . I don 't know how or why I started doing that , but it happened years ago and it 's been something I 've done since . Does anyone notice any difficulties or varying outcomes of clean underwear when you wipe with your pants / underwear down to your ankles compared to your knees or thighs ? No , not really . Wiping my front ( I 'm a Cottonelle girl too ) is always easier because I can see what 's going on and if my butt needs wiping it means that my panties are already at calf - level at the very least . When you pull your panties down , do they match the quality of your outerwear in cleanliness and quality ? Shopping for new undies is one of my favorite things to do and I always pay close attention to what I wear underneath everything else . Love your stories , by the way ! 1 . Have you ever clogged at a toilet before ? Where did it happen ? Boy , have I . At my house , in public , at friends ' houses . You name it , I 've clogged it . 2 . Why did it clog ? Too much TP , size of your load , or weak flush ? All three of them have happened . 3 . Did you feel embarrassed when you clogged it ? I used to really struggle with this . I felt weird and ashamed of my body , like there was something wrong with me and my internal plumbing . I 'm much better about it today . 4 . Does your house toilet have a stong , average , or weak flush ? I 'd say it 's about average . My custom pink plunger ( a birthday gift from a friend whose toilet I clogged more than once ) always stands at the ready . I 'm not kidding when I say that the toilet ( s ) is one of the most important things about a place to me . Or that I go online to pick out dream toilets . 5 . What methods do you use to prevent toilet clogging ? Multiple flushes really help . I 'll do one or two flushes for my load itself and then a separate one for the paperwork . I 've gotten much better with clogging and I 've gone this entire summer without doing it even once ( knock on wood . ) 6 . Do you have a story about toilet clogging with yourself or other people ? Yep , there are several on here already . That 's about it for now . Good to see everyone again ! To answer some of your questions , I feel that pulling your pants and underwear around your thighs rather than around your ankles when you poop don 't necessary is a more adult way to use the bathroom . When I use a public bathroom to poop since my second year in college I pull down my pants and underwear around my ankles since its a comfort thing that I feel more comfortable rather then rest around my thighs . Natasha Hello everyone . Glad to see so many people remember me from so long ago . I was afraid I 'd come back to a whole new group of people and nobody I knew would still be posting here . Anyway , I 've a bit of time today for a story . This morning , I went to the library to find a book to read . As I was leaving , I had to wee , so I headed off to the toilets . They were unusually busy . All five cubicles were taken and there were three other girls queueing ahead of me . I thought about holding my wee until I got home , but I figured it wouldn 't take too long to move through the queue . Turns out I was wrong . The cubicles at the library toilets are nice . From the outside , you can 't really hear anything and not much of the smell escapes if you 're doing a poo . However , I still guessed all five girls were pooing as after several minutes , no one had come out . Finally , there was a flush and a girl came out . The first girl from the queue replaced her and she must 've needed only a wee as she was out soon too . Then it was just me and one girl queueing ahead of me . Another cubicle opened after a bit more waiting and the girl went in . Soon two more cubicles opened almost at the same time . I took the one closest to me . I sat on the toilet and had a much needed wee . It was like a waterfall and it seemed to just go forever . I finished , wiped , flushed and left to wash my hands . The other four cubicles were still all taken , including one with a girl who had been in there when I entered . I wonder if she was having a difficult poo . I was at the mall today shopping with my friend Danielle . All morning I kinda felt full and like I should visit the bathroom for a number two , but we were so busy I ignored the feeling . Then we had lunch at the foodcourt and after that my need to go got much more urgent , I really needed a poo . I told Danielle that I was going to the bathroom and left her at our table . When I walked over there it was super busy and all the stalls were taken , even though there are six on each side . Good thing there was only a lineup of two , an older Indian lady and a brunette woman with redish , curly hair and glasses who looked like she was maybe in her late thirties or so . I guess that quite a few women in the stalls were pooping since it took a while for one of them to open . The older lady went in and then the brunette and I had to wait for maybe another half a minute when two stalls at the end opened up right at the same time . I took the end stall and the other woman the one right next to me . I locked the door and pulled off some paper to wipe the seat , it didn 't look all super clean to me . Then I pulled my black thong down and bunched up my pink pleated skirt and sat on the toilet . Meanwhile my neighbour had sat down as well and I could hear her toilet seat creaking as she was shifting around a bit and then she started to pee with a very audible , hissing stream . I had my pee as well and while it was coming out I farted but it was quiet and I don 't think anybody noticed . Then my neighbour farted and it was pretty loud and I figured that she probably needed to poop , too . When I was done with my pee I pushed my thong all the way down to my ankles , leaned forward and started to push my poo out . I also had a quick peak under the stall and noticed that the brunette was wearing a light grey thong under her black slacks and that there was a small brown stain on it where it would have brushed up against her bumhole . Anyway it wasn 't very long until I could hear some plops from her stall as she was taking care of her number two . She alsoTo Karen : Wow , that 's some crazy stuff that happened to you girls in Vegas . It makes a great story , but I felt bad for everybody . Especially your poor friend Saffron ! Having diarreah sucks but but being sick to your stomach is the worst feeling in the world ! I wonder how she felt about all you other guys seeing her so sick . . . Brandon T To Romantic dump , that sounded like a major clear out ! Do you celebrate a good dump like that oftan ? The toilet must have a strong flush to shift all your logs and toilet paper ? I had an embarrassing close call at work yesterday which lead me to this site . Reading all your stories is helping me get over it so I 've decided to share . I 'm going to call myself B . ( my first initial ) I 'm 26 and work in a large office . I 'd felt the need for a pee pretty much since arriving at work yesterday morning but had been busy and hadn 't had time to run to the bathroom . Just before midday I remembered we had a meeting coming up so I thought I 'd better go for a pee break before that as I knew it would last at least an hour . I started to make my way to the bathroom when my boss stopped me and asked if I could help set up for the meeting . I didn 't want to say no so followed him to the conference room . I was hoping I 'd have time to set up and then quickly run out for a quick pee before everyone else arrived . My need was getting a bit more urgent by this time . Unfortunately the set up took longer than I expected and everyone had sat down by the time we had everything set up so my boss started the meeting . I sat down and silently cursed the large coffee I 'd drank that morning . I prayed for a short meeting or a break so I could take my pee . No such luck ! Around 20 minutes in I was desperate and crossing my legs under the table . Another 10 minutes passed and I was beginning to worry . My boss doesn 't like it when people leave meetings to go to the bathroom so we all know better than to do it so I really didn 't feel like I could leave . During the meeting we had to get into pairs with the person next to us and discuss marketing pitch ideas and then feed back to the room . I was struggling to focus . I was bouncing about on my chair and my partner was giving me an odd look and asked if I was ok . I confessed to her that I was absolutely desperate for a a bathroom break and wasn 't sure how long I could hold on . She sympathised and told me that the day before she 'd been in a similar situation whilst on a conference call . In the end she said she had to lie and say she had another meeting so she could get off the call . She Next page : 2585 >< Previous page : 2587 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey

The premise of this cryptic short story is the life of a regular man and bar owner named Kino . As it continues , you find yourself in a puzzle , in the midst of characters and symbols which represent something other than themselves . These figures and symbols finally direct Kino - and us - towards confronting the desire for comfort and its perils , a stunted way of coping , hidden desires , apathy about life , the process of truly understanding which is always accompanied by pain , and the inescapable truth . The man always sat in the same seat , the stool farthest down the counter . When it wasn 't occupied , that is , but it was nearly always free . The bar was seldom crowded , and that particular seat was the most inconspicuous and the least comfortable . A staircase in the back made the ceiling slanted and low , so it was hard to stand up there without bumping your head . The man was tall , yet , for some reason , preferred that cramped , narrow spot . Kino remembered the first time the man had come to his bar . His appearance had immediately caught Kino 's eye - the bluish shaved head , the thin build yet broad shoulders , the keen glint in his eye , the prominent cheekbones and wide forehead . He looked to be in his early thirties , and he wore a long gray raincoat , though it wasn 't raining . At first , Kino tagged him as a yakuza , and was on his guard around him . It was seven - thirty , on a chilly mid - April evening , and the bar was empty . The man chose the seat at the end of the counter , took off his coat , and in a quiet voice ordered a beer , then silently read a thick book . After half an hour , finished with the beer , he raised his hand an inch or two to motion Kino over , and ordered a whiskey . " Which brand ? " Kino asked , but the man said he had no preference . Kino poured some White Label into a glass , added the same amount of water and two small , nicely formed ice cubes . The man took a sip , scrutinized the glass , and narrowed his eyes . " This will do fine . " He read for another half hour , then stood up and paid his bill in cash . He counted out exact change so that he wouldn 't get any coins back . Kino breathed a small sigh of relief as soon as he was out the door . But after the man had left his presence remained . As Kino stood behind the counter , he glanced up occasionally at the seat the man had occupied , half expecting him still to be there , raising his hand a couple of inches to order something . The man began coming regularly to Kino 's bar . Once , at most twice , a week . He would invariably have a beer first , then a whiskey . Sometimes he would study the day 's menu on the blackboard and order a light meal . The man hardly ever said a word . He always came fairly early in the evening , a book tucked under his arm , which he would place on the counter . Whenever he got tired of reading ( at least , Kino guessed that he was tired ) , he looked up from the page and studied the bottles of liquor lined up on the shelves in front of him , as if examining a series of unusual taxidermied animals from faraway lands . Once Kino got used to the man , though , he never felt uncomfortable around him , even when it was just the two of them . Kino never spoke much himself , and didn 't find it hard to remain silent around others . While the man read , Kino did what he would do if he were alone - wash dishes , prepare sauces , choose records to play , or page through the newspaper . Kino didn 't know the man 's name . He was just a regular customer who came to the bar , enjoyed a beer and a whiskey , read silently , paid in cash , then left . He never bothered anybody else . What more did Kino need to know about him ? Back in college , Kino had been a standout middle - distance runner , but in his junior year he 'd torn his Achilles tendon and had to give up on the idea of joining a corporate track team . After graduation , on his coach 's recommendation , he got a job at a sports - equipment company , and he stayed there for seventeen years . At work , he was in charge of persuading sports stores to stock his brand of running shoes and leading athletes to try them out . The company , a mid - level firm headquartered in Okayama , was far from well known , and lacked the financial power of a Nike or an Adidas to draw up exclusive contracts with the world 's best runners . Still , it made carefully handcrafted shoes for top athletes , and quite a few swore by its products . " Do an honest job and it will pay off " was the slogan of the company 's founder , and that low - key , somewhat anachronistic approach suited Kino 's personality . Even a taciturn , unsociable man like him was able to make a go of sales . Actually , it was because of his personality that coaches trusted him and athletes took a liking to him . He listened carefully to each runner 's needs , and made sure that the head of manufacturing got all the details . The pay wasn 't much to speak of , but he found the job engaging and satisfying . Although he couldn 't run anymore himself , he loved seeing the runners race around the track , their form textbook perfect . When Kino quit his job , it wasn 't because he was dissatisfied with his work but because he discovered that his wife was having an affair with his best friend at the company . Kino spent more time out on the road than at home in Tokyo . He 'd stuff a large gym bag full of shoe samples and make the rounds of sporting - goods stores all over Japan , also visiting local colleges and companies that sponsored track teams . His wife and his colleague started sleeping together while he was away . Kino wasn 't the type who easily picked up on clues . He thought everything was fine with his marriage , and nothing his wife said or did tipped him off to the contrary . If he hadn 't happened to come home from a business trip a day early , he might never have discovered what was going on . When he got back to Tokyo that day , he went straight to his condo in Kasai , only to find his wife and his friend naked and entwined in his bedroom , in the bed where he and his wife slept . His wife was on top , and when Kino opened the door he came face to face with her and her lovely breasts bouncing up and down . He was thirty - nine then , his wife thirty - five . They had no children . Kino lowered his head , shut the bedroom door , left the apartment , and never went back . The next day , he quit his job . Kino had an unmarried aunt , his mother 's older sister . Ever since he was a child , his aunt had been nice to him . She 'd had an older boyfriend for many years ( " lover " might be the more accurate term ) , and he had generously given her a small house in Aoyama . She lived on the second floor of the house , and ran a coffee shop on the first floor . In front was a small garden and an impressive willow tree , with low - hanging , leafy branches . The house was on a narrow backstreet behind the Nezu Museum , not exactly the best location for drawing customers , but his aunt had a gift for attracting people , and her coffee shop did a decent amount of business . After she turned sixty , though , she hurt her back , and it became increasingly difficult for her to run the shop alone . She decided to move to a resort condo in the Izu Kogen Highlands . " I was wondering if eventually you might want to take over the shop ? " she asked Kino . This was three months before he discovered his wife 's affair . " I appreciate the offer , " he told her , " but right now I 'm happy where I am . " After he submitted his resignation at work , he phoned his aunt to ask if she 'd sold the shop yet . It was listed with a real - estate agent , she told him , but no serious offers had come in . " I 'd like to open a bar there if I can , " Kino said . " Could I pay you rent by the month ? " Kino didn 't explain the reason , and his aunt didn 't ask . There was silence for a time on the other end of the line . Then his aunt named a figure for the monthly rent , far lower than what Kino had expected . " I think I can handle that , " he told her . Kino used half of his savings to transform the coffee shop into a bar . He purchased simple furniture , and had a long , sturdy bar installed . He put up new wallpaper in a calming color , brought his record collection from home , and lined a shelf in the bar with LPs . He owned a decent stereo - a Thorens turntable , a Luxman amp , and small JBL two - way speakers - that he 'd bought when he was single , a fairly extravagant purchase back then . But he had always enjoyed listening to old jazz records . It was his only hobby , one that he didn 't share with anyone else he knew . In college , he 'd worked part time as a bartender at a pub in Roppongi , so he was well versed in the art of mixing cocktails . He called his bar Kino . He couldn 't come up with a better name . The first week he was open , he didn 't have a single customer , but he wasn 't perturbed . After all , he hadn 't advertised the place , or even put out an eye - catching sign . He simply waited patiently for curious people to stumble across this little backstreet bar . He still had some of his severance pay , and his wife hadn 't asked for any financial support . She was already living with his former colleague , and she and Kino had decided to sell their condo in Kasai . Kino lived on the second floor of his aunt 's house , and it looked as though , for the time being , he 'd be able to get by . As he waited for his first customer , Kino enjoyed listening to whatever music he liked and reading books he 'd been wanting to read . Like dry ground welcoming the rain , he let the solitude , silence , and loneliness soak in . He listened to a lot of Art Tatum solo - piano pieces . Somehow they seemed to fit his mood . He wasn 't sure why , but he felt no anger or bitterness toward his wife , or the colleague she was sleeping with . The betrayal had been a shock , for sure , but , as time passed , he began to feel as if it couldn 't have been helped , as if this had been his fate all along . In his life , after all , he had achieved nothing , had been totally unproductive . He couldn 't make anyone else happy , and , of course , couldn 't make himself happy . Happiness ? He wasn 't even sure what that meant . He didn 't have a clear sense , either , of emotions like pain or anger , disappointment or resignation , and how they were supposed to feel . The most he could do was create a place where his heart - devoid now of any depth or weight - could be tethered , to keep it from wandering aimlessly . This little bar , Kino , tucked into a backstreet , became that place . And it became , too - not by design , exactly - a strangely comfortable space . It wasn 't a person who first discovered what a comfortable place Kino was but a stray cat . A young gray female with a long , lovely tail . The cat favored a sunken display case in a corner of the bar and liked to curl up there to sleep . Kino didn 't pay much attention to the cat , figuring it wanted to be left alone . Once a day , he fed it and changed its water , but nothing beyond that . And he constructed a small pet door so that it could go in and out of the bar whenever it liked . The cat may have brought some good luck along with it , for after it appeared so did a scattering of customers . Some of them started to come by regularly - ones who took a liking to this little backstreet bar with its wonderful old willow tree , its quiet middle - aged owner , vintage records spinning on a turntable , and the gray cat sacked out in a corner . And these people sometimes brought other new customers . Still far from thriving , the bar at least earned back the rent . For Kino , that was enough . It was raining lightly that day , the kind of rain where you aren 't sure if you really need an umbrella . There were just three customers in the bar , Kamita and two men in suits . It was seven - thirty . As always , Kamita was at the farthest stool down the counter , sipping a White Label and water and reading . The two men were seated at a table , drinking a bottle of Pinot Noir . They had brought the bottle with them , and asked Kino if he would mind their drinking it there , for a five - thousand - yen cork fee . It was a first for Kino , but he had no reason to refuse . He opened the bottle and set down two wineglasses and a bowl of mixed nuts . Not much trouble at all . The two men smoked a lot , though , which for Kino , who hated cigarette smoke , made them less welcome . With little else to do , Kino sat on a stool and listened to the Coleman Hawkins LP with the track " Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho . " He found the bass solo by Major Holley amazing . At first , the two men seemed to be getting along fine , enjoying their wine , but then a difference of opinion arose on some topic or other - what it was , Kino had no idea - and the men grew steadily more worked up . At some point , one of them stood , tipping the table and sending the full ashtray and one of the wineglasses crashing to the floor . Kino hurried over with a broom , swept up the mess , and put a clean glass and ashtray on the table . Kamita - though at this time Kino had yet to learn his name - was clearly disgusted by the men 's behavior . His expression didn 't change , but he kept tapping the fingers of his left hand lightly on the counter , like a pianist checking the keys . I have to get this situation under control , Kino thought . He went over to the men . " I 'm sorry , " he said politely , " but I wonder if you 'd mind keeping your voices down a bit . " One of them looked up at him with a cold glint in his eye and rose from the table . Kino hadn 't noticed it until now , but the man was huge . He wasn 't so much tall as barrel - chested , with enormous arms , the sort of build you 'd expect of a sumo wrestler . The other man was much smaller . Thin and pale , with a shrewd look , the type who was good at egging people on . He slowly got up from his seat , too , and Kino found himself face to face with both of them . The men had apparently decided to use this opportunity to call a halt to their quarrel and jointly confront Kino . They were perfectly coördinated , almost as if they had secretly been waiting for this very situation to arise . The suits they wore seemed expensive , but closer inspection showed them to be tacky and poorly made . Not full - fledged yakuza , though whatever work they were involved in was , clearly , not respectable . The larger man had a crew cut , while his companion 's hair was dyed brown and pulled back in a high ponytail . Kino steeled himself for something bad to happen . Sweat began to pour from his armpits . " Don 't blame the staff , " Kamita said , pointing to Kino . " I 'm the one who asked him to request that you keep it down . It makes it hard to concentrate , and I can 't read my book . " " My name is Kamita , " he said . " It 's written with the characters for ' god ' - kami - and ' field ' : ' god 's field . ' But it isn 't pronounced ' Kanda , ' as you might expect . It 's pronounced ' Kamita . ' " Fine with me , " Kamita said . " Anywhere you say . But , before we do that , could you pay your check ? You don 't want to cause the bar any trouble . " " I don 't need any change back , " Ponytail told Kino . " But why don 't ya buy yourself some better wineglasses ? This is expensive wine , and glasses like these make it taste like shit . " " Correct . A cheap bar with cheap customers , " Kamita said . " It doesn 't suit you . There 's got to be somewhere else that does . Not that I know where . " " Not to worry , " Kamita said , with a slight smile . " You don 't need to do anything , Mr . Kino . Just stay put . This will be over soon . " Kamita went outside and shut the door . It was still raining , a little harder than before . Kino sat down on a stool and waited . It was oddly still outside , and he couldn 't hear a thing . Kamita 's book lay open on the counter , like a well - trained dog waiting for its master . About ten minutes later , the door opened , and in strode Kamita , alone . Kino handed him a fresh towel , and Kamita wiped his head . Then his neck , face , and , finally , both hands . " Thank you . Everything 's O . K . now , " he said . " Those two won 't be showing their faces here again . " Later that evening , after Kamita had gone , Kino went outside and made a circuit of the neighborhood . The alley was deserted and quiet . No signs of a fight , no trace of blood . He couldn 't imagine what had taken place . He went back to the bar to wait for other customers , but no one else came that night . The cat didn 't return , either . He poured himself some White Label , added an equal amount of water and two small ice cubes , and tasted it . Nothing special , about what you 'd expect . But that night he needed a shot of alcohol in his system . About a week after the incident , Kino slept with a female customer . She was the first woman he 'd had sex with since he left his wife . She was thirty , or perhaps a little older . He wasn 't sure if she would be classified as beautiful , but there was something unique about her , something that stood out . The woman had been to the bar several times before , always in the company of a man of about the same age who wore tortoiseshell - framed glasses and a beatnik - like goatee . He had unruly hair and never wore a tie , so Kino figured he was probably not your typical company employee . The woman always wore a tight - fitting dress that showed off her slender , shapely figure . They sat at the bar , exchanging an occasional hushed word or two as they sipped cocktails or sherry . They never stayed long . Kino imagined they were having a drink before they made love . Or else after . He couldn 't say which , but the way they drank reminded him of sex . Drawn - out , intense sex . The two of them were strangely expressionless , especially the woman , whom Kino had never seen smile . She spoke to him sometimes , always about the music that was playing . She liked jazz and was collecting LPs herself . " My father used to listen to this music at home , " she told him . " Hearing it brings back a lot of memories . " Kino actually tried not to have too much to do with the woman . It was clear that the man wasn 't very pleased when he was friendly to her . One time he and the woman did have a lengthy conversation - exchanging tips on used - record stores in Tokyo and the best way to take care of vinyl - and , after that , the man kept shooting him cold , suspicious looks . Kino was usually careful to keep his distance from any sort of entanglement . Nothing was worse than jealousy and pride , and Kino had had a number of awful experiences because of one or the other . It struck him at times that there was something about him that stirred up the dark side in other people . That night , though , the woman came to the bar alone . There were no other customers , and when she opened the door cool night air crept in . She sat at the counter , ordered a brandy , and asked Kino to play some Billie Holiday . " Something really old , if you could . " Kino put a Columbia record on the turntable , one with the track " Georgia on My Mind . " The two of them listened silently . " Could you play the other side , too ? " she asked , when it ended , and he did as she requested . She slowly worked her way through three brandies , listening to a few more records - Erroll Garner 's " Moonglow , " Buddy DeFranco 's " I Can 't Get Started . " At first , Kino thought she was waiting for the man , but she didn 't glance at her watch even once . She just sat there , listening to the music , lost in thought , sipping her brandy . " He isn 't coming . He 's far away , " the woman said . She stood up from the stool and walked over to where the cat lay sleeping . She gently stroked its back with her fingertips . The cat , unperturbed , went on sleeping . " I 'm not sure how to put it , " the woman said . She stopped petting the cat and went back to the bar , high heels clicking . " Our relationship isn 't exactly . . . normal . " Whatever it was , Kino didn 't want to see it . Of that he was certain . But he didn 't manage to produce the words to say so . The woman removed her cardigan and placed it on the stool . She reached both hands behind her and unzipped her dress . She turned her back to Kino . Just below her white bra clasp he saw an irregular sprinkling of marks the color of faded charcoal , like bruises . They reminded him of constellations in the winter sky . A dark row of depleted stars . The woman said nothing , just displayed her bare back to Kino . Like someone who cannot even comprehend the meaning of the question he has been asked , Kino just stared at the marks . Finally , she zipped up and turned to face him . She put on her cardigan and fixed her hair . Kino had felt , from the first , that there was something out of the ordinary about the woman . Something had triggered an instinctive response , warning him not to get involved with her . He was basically a cautious person . If he really needed to sleep with a woman , he could always make do with a professional . And it wasn 't as if he were even attracted to this woman . But that night she desperately wanted a man to make love to her - and it seemed that he was the man . Her eyes were depthless , the pupils strangely dilated , but there was a decisive glitter in them that would brook no retreat . Kino didn 't have the power to resist . He locked up the bar , and the two of them went upstairs . In the bedroom , the woman quickly took off her dress , peeled off her underwear , and showed him the places that were a little hard to show . Kino couldn 't help averting his eyes at first , but then was drawn back to look . He couldn 't understand , nor did he want to understand , the mind of a man who would do something so cruel , or of a woman who would willingly endure it . It was a savage scene from a barren planet , light - years away from where Kino lived . The woman took his hand and guided it to the scars , making him touch each one in turn . There were scars on her breasts , and beside her vagina . He traced those dark , hard marks , as if he were using a pencil to connect the dots . The marks seemed to form a shape that reminded him of something , but he couldn 't think what it was . They had sex on the tatami floor . No words exchanged , no foreplay , no time even to turn off the light or lay out the futon . The woman 's tongue slid down his throat , her nails dug into his back . Under the light , like two starving animals , they devoured the flesh they craved . When dawn began to show outside , they crawled onto the futon and slept , as if dragged down into darkness . Kino awoke just before noon , and the woman was gone . He felt as if he 'd had a very realistic dream , but of course it hadn 't been a dream . His back was lined with scratches , his arms with bite marks , his penis wrung by a dull ache . Several long black hairs swirled around his white pillow , and the sheets had a strong scent he 'd never smelled before . The woman came to the bar several times after that , always with the goateed man . They would sit at the counter , speak in subdued voices as they drank a cocktail or two , and then leave . The woman would exchange a few words with Kino , mostly about music . Her tone was the same as before , as if she had no memory of what had taken place between them that night . Still , Kino could detect a glint of desire in her eyes , like a faint light deep down a mineshaft . He was sure of it . And it brought everything vividly back to him - the stab of her nails into his back , the sting of his penis , her long , slithering tongue , the odor on his bedding . The legal issues were quickly settled , and the two of them signed the necessary documents . Kino 's wife was wearing a new blue dress , her hair cut short . She looked healthier and more cheerful than he 'd ever seen her . She 'd begun a new , no doubt more fulfilling , life . She glanced around the bar . " What a wonderful place , " she said . " Quiet , clean , and calm - very you . " A short silence followed . " But there 's nothing here that really moves you " : Kino imagined that these were the words she wanted to say . Kino took out two wineglasses and poured some Napa Zinfandel . They drank in silence . They weren 't about to toast to their divorce . The cat padded over and , surprisingly , leaped into Kino 's lap . Kino petted it behind its ears . " I suppose so , " Kino said , after giving it some thought . " I 'm human , after all . I was hurt . But whether it was a lot or a little I can 't say . " " It 's nobody 's fault , " he said . " I shouldn 't have come home a day early . Or I should have let you know I was coming . Then we wouldn 't have had to go through that . " " Better for me not to know , you mean ? Maybe you 're right about that , " Kino admitted . He kept on petting the cat , which purred deeply . Another first . " I know there must be a woman out there who 's right for you . It shouldn 't be that hard to find her . I wasn 't able to be that person for you , and I did a terrible thing . I feel awful about it . But there was something wrong between us from the start , as if we 'd done the buttons up wrong . I think you should be able to have a more normal , happy life . " He looked at the new dress she was wearing . They were sitting facing each other , so he couldn 't tell if there was a zipper or buttons at the back . But he couldn 't help thinking about what he would see if he unzipped or unbuttoned her clothes . Her body was no longer his , so all he could do was imagine it . When he closed his eyes , he saw countless dark - brown burn marks wriggling on her pure - white back , like a swarm of worms . He shook his head to dispel that image , and his wife seemed to misinterpret this . It took a few days for Kino to realize that it was gone . This cat - still nameless - came to the bar when it wanted to and sometimes didn 't show up for a while , so if Kino didn 't see it for a week , or even ten days , he wasn 't particularly worried . He was fond of the cat , and the cat seemed to trust him . It was also like a good - luck charm for the bar . Kino had the distinct impression that as long as it was asleep in a corner nothing bad would happen . But when two weeks had passed he began to be concerned . After three weeks , Kino 's gut told him that the cat wouldn 't be coming back . The first snake he saw was a dull brown and long . It was in the shade of the willow tree in the front yard , leisurely slithering along . Kino , a bag of groceries in hand , was unlocking the door when he spotted it . It was rare to see a snake in the middle of Tokyo . He was a bit surprised , but he didn 't worry about it . Behind his building was the Nezu Museum , with its large gardens . It wasn 't inconceivable that a snake might be living there . But two days later , as he opened the door just before noon to retrieve the paper , he saw a different snake in the same spot . This one was bluish , smaller than the other one , and slimy - looking . When the snake saw Kino , it stopped , raised its head slightly , and stared at him , as if it knew him . Kino hesitated , unsure what to do , and the snake slowly lowered its head and vanished into the shade . The whole thing gave Kino the creeps . Three days later , he spied the third snake . It was also under the willow tree in the front yard . This snake was considerably smaller than the others and blackish . Kino knew nothing about snakes , but this one struck him as the most dangerous . It looked poisonous , somehow . The instant it sensed his presence , it slipped away into the weeds . Three snakes within the space of a week , no matter how you considered it , was too many . Something strange was going on . " Snakes ? " his aunt said loudly , in surprise . " I lived there for a long time but can 't recall ever seeing any snakes . I wonder if it 's a sign of an earthquake or something . Animals sense disasters coming and start to act strange . " " I don 't know what they 're sensitive to , " his aunt said . " But snakes are smart creatures . In ancient legends , they often help guide people . But , when a snake leads you , you don 't know whether it 's taking you in a good direction or a bad one . In most cases , it 's a combination of good and evil . " " Exactly . Snakes are essentially ambiguous creatures . In these legends , the biggest , smartest snake hides its heart somewhere outside its body , so that it doesn 't get killed . If you want to kill that snake , you need to go to its hideout when it 's not there , locate the beating heart , and cut it in two . Not an easy task , for sure . " Kino began to feel as if the house were surrounded by snakes . He sensed their quiet presence . At midnight , when he closed the bar , the neighborhood was still , with no sound other than the occasional siren . So quiet he could almost hear a snake slithering along . He took a board and nailed shut the pet door he 'd built for the cat , so that no snakes would get inside the house . One night , just before ten , Kamita appeared . He had a beer , followed by his usual double White Label , and ate a stuffed - cabbage dish . It was unusual for him to come by so late , and stay so long . Occasionally , he glanced up from his reading to stare at the wall in front of him , as if pondering something . As closing time approached , he remained , until he was the last customer . " I really liked this bar a lot , " Kamita said , as if confiding in him . " It was quiet , so I could read , and I enjoyed the music . I was very happy when you opened the bar here . Unfortunately , though , there are some things missing . " Kino followed Kamita 's gaze , and looked carefully around the bar , but saw nothing out of the ordinary . He did , though , get a sense that the place felt emptier than ever , lacking vitality and color . Something beyond the usual , just - closed - for - the - night feeling . Kamita spoke up . " Mr . Kino , you 're not the type who would willingly do something wrong . I know that very well . But there are times in this world when it 's not enough just not to do the wrong thing . Some people use that blank space as a kind of loophole . Do you understand what I 'm saying ? " " Think it over carefully , " Kamita said , gazing straight into Kino 's eyes . " It 's a very important question , worth some serious thought . Though the answer may not come all that easily . " Kamita nodded . " You could put it that way . But I 'm not blaming just you , Mr . Kino . I 'm at fault , too , for not having noticed it earlier . I should have been paying more attention . This was a comfortable place not just for me but for anybody . " " Close the bar for a while and go far away . There 's nothing else you can do at this point . I think it 's best for you to leave before we have another long spell of rain . Excuse me for asking , but do you have enough money to take a long trip ? " " I 'm just a guy named Kamita , " Kamita said . " Written with the characters for kami , ' god , ' and ta , ' field , ' but not read as ' Kanda . ' I 've lived around here for a long time . " Kamita didn 't respond . " Here 's what you do . Go far away , and don 't stay in one place for long . And every Monday and Thursday make sure to send a postcard . Then I 'll know you 're O . K . " " You can mail it to your aunt in Izu . Do not write your own name or any message whatsoever . Just put the address you 're sending it to . This is very important , so don 't forget . " " Yes , I know her quite well . Actually , she asked me to keep an eye on you , to make sure that nothing bad happened . Seems like I fell down on the job , though . " " Mr . Kino , when I know that it 's all right for you to return I 'll get in touch with you . Until then , stay away from here . Do you understand ? " That night , Kino packed for the trip . It 's best for you to leave before we have another long spell of rain . The announcement was so sudden , and its logic eluded him . But Kamita 's words had a strange persuasive power that went beyond logic . Kino didn 't doubt him . He stuffed some clothes and toiletries into a medium - sized shoulder bag , the same bag he 'd used on business trips . As dawn came , he pinned a notice to the front door : " Our apologies , but the bar will be closed for the time being . " Far away , Kamita had told him . But where he should actually go he had no idea . Should he head north ? Or south ? He decided that he would start by retracing a route he often used to take when he was selling running shoes . He boarded a highway express bus and went to Takamatsu . He would make one circuit of Shikoku and then head over to Kyushu . He checked into a business HOTEL NEAR Takamatsu Station and stayed there for three days . He wandered around the town and went to see a few movies . The cinemas were deserted during the day , and the movies were , without exception , mind - numbing . When it got dark , he returned to his room and switched on the TV . He followed his aunt 's advice and watched educational programs , but got no useful information from them . The second day in Takamatsu was a Thursday , so he bought a postcard at a convenience store , affixed a stamp , and mailed it to his aunt . As Kamita had instructed him , he wrote only her name and address . " Think it over carefully , " Kamita had told him . " It 's a very important question , worth some serious thought . " But , no matter how seriously he considered it , Kino couldn 't work out what the problem was . A few days later , Kino was staying at a cheap business HOTEL NEARKumamoto Station , in Kyushu . Low ceiling , narrow , cramped bed , tiny TV set , minuscule bathtub , crummy little fridge . He felt like some awkward , bumbling giant . Still , except for a trip to a nearby convenience store , he stayed holed up in the room all day . At the store , he purchased a small flask of whiskey , some mineral water , and some crackers to snack on . He lay on his bed , reading . When he got tired of reading , he watched TV . When he got tired of watching TV , he read . It was his third day in Kumamoto now . He still had money in his savings account and , if he 'd wanted to , he could have stayed in a much better hotel . But he felt that , for him , just now , this was the right place . If he stayed in a small space like this , he wouldn 't have to do any unnecessary thinking , and everything he needed was within reach . He was unexpectedly grateful for this . All he wished for was some music . Teddy Wilson , Vic Dickenson , Buck Clayton - sometimes he longed desperately to listen to their old - time jazz , with its steady , dependable technique and its straightforward chords . He wanted to feel the pure joy they had in performing , their wonderful optimism . But his record collection was far away . He pictured his bar , quiet since he 'd closed it . The alleyway , the large willow tree . People reading the sign he 'd posted and leaving . What about the cat ? If it came back , it would find its door boarded up . And were the snakes still silently encircling the house ? Straight across from his eighth - floor window was the window of an office building . From morning till evening , he watched people working there . He had no idea what kind of business it was . Men in ties would pop in and out , while women tapped away at computer keyboards , answered the phone , filed documents . Not exactly the sort of scene to draw one 's interest . The features and the clothes of the people working there were ordinary , banal even . Kino watched them for hours for one simple reason : he had nothing else to do . And he found it unexpected , surprising , how happy the people sometimes looked . Some of them occasionally burst out laughing . Why ? Working all day in such an unglamorous office , doing things that ( at least to Kino 's eyes ) seemed totally uninspired - how could they do that and still feel so happy ? Was there some secret hidden there that he couldn 't comprehend ? It was about time for him to move on again . Don 't stay in one place for long , Kamita had told him . Yet somehow Kino couldn 't bring himself to leave this cramped little Kumamoto hotel . He couldn 't think of anywhere he wanted to go . The world was a vast ocean with no landmarks , Kino a little boat that had lost its chart and its anchor . When he spread open the map of Kyushu , wondering where to go next , he felt nauseated , as if seasick . He lay down in bed and read a book , glancing up now and then to watch the people in the office across the way . It was a Monday , so he bought a postcard in the hotel gift shop with a picture of Kumamoto Castle , wrote his aunt 's name and address , and slapped on a stamp . He held the postcard for a while , vacantly gazing at the castle . A stereotypical photo , the kind you expect to see on a postcard : the castle keep towering grandly in front of a blue sky and puffy white clouds . No matter how long he looked at the photo , Kino could find no point of contact between himself and that castle . Then , on an impulse , he turned the postcard over and wrote a message to his aunt : How are you ? How is your back these days ? As you can see , I 'm still travelling around by myself . Sometimes I feel as if I were half transparent . As if you could see right through to my internal organs , like a fresh - caught squid . Other than that , I 'm doing O . K . I hope to visit sometime . Kino Kino wasn 't at all sure what had motivated him to write that . Kamita had strictly forbidden it . But Kino couldn 't restrain himself . I have to somehow get connected to reality again , he thought , or else I won 't be me anymore . I 'll become a man who doesn 't exist . And , before he could change his mind , he hurried out to a mailbox near the HOTEL AND slipped the postcard inside . When he awoke , the clock next to his bed showed two - fifteen . Someone was knocking on his door . Not a loud knock but a firm , compact sound , like that of a skilled carpenter pounding a nail . The sound dragged Kino out of a deep sleep until his consciousness was thoroughly , even cruelly , clear . Kino knew what the knocking meant . And he knew that he was supposed to get out of bed and open the door . Whatever was doing the knocking didn 't have the strength to open the door from the outside . It had to be opened by Kino 's own hand . It struck him that this visit was exactly what he 'd been hoping for , yet , at the same time , what he 'd been fearing above all . This was ambiguity : holding on to an empty space between two extremes . " You were hurt , a little , weren 't you ? " his wife had asked . " I 'm human , after all . I was hurt , " he 'd replied . But that wasn 't true . Half of it , at least , was a lie . I wasn 't hurt enough when I should have been , Kino admitted to himself . When I should have felt real pain , I stifled it . I didn 't want to take it on , so I avoided facing up to it . Which is why my heart is so empty now . The snakes have grabbed that spot and are trying to hide their coldly beating hearts there . Kino pulled the covers up , shut his eyes , and covered his ears with his hands . I 'm not going to look , not going to listen , he told himself . But he couldn 't drown out the sound . Even if he ran to the far corners of the earth and stuffed his ears full of clay , as long as he was still alive those knocks would relentlessly track him down . It wasn 't a knocking on a door in a business hotel . It was a knocking on the door to his heart . A person couldn 't escape that sound . He wasn 't sure how much time had passed , but he realized that the knocking had stopped . The room was as hushed as the far side of the moon . Still , Kino remained under the covers . He had to be on his guard . The being outside his door wouldn 't give up that easily . It was in no hurry . The moon wasn 't out . Only the withered constellations darkly dotted the sky . The world belonged , for a while longer , to those other beings . They had many different methods . They could get what they wanted in all kinds of ways . The roots of darkness could spread everywhere beneath the earth . Patiently taking their time , searching out weak points , they could break apart the most solid rock . Finally , as Kino had expected , the knocks began once more . But this time they came from another direction . Much closer than before . Whoever was knocking was right outside the window by his bed . Clinging to the sheer wall of the building , eight stories up , tap - tap - tapping on the rain - streaked glass . The curtain was open . Before he fell asleep , he 'd been watching the patterns the raindrops formed on the glass . Kino could imagine what he 'd see now , if he stuck his head outside the covers . No - he couldn 't imagine it . He had to extinguish the ability to imagine anything . I shouldn 't look at it , he told himself . No matter how empty it may be , this is still my heart . There 's still some human warmth in it . Memories , like seaweed wrapped around pilings on the beach , wordlessly waiting for high tide . Emotions that , if cut , would bleed . I can 't just let them wander somewhere beyond my understanding . " Memories can be helpful , " Kamita had said . A sudden thought struck Kino : that Kamita was somehow connected with the old willow tree in front of his house . He didn 't grasp how this made sense , exactly , but once the thought took hold of him things fell into place . Kino pictured the limbs of the tree , covered in green , sagging heavily down , nearly to the ground . In the summer , they provided cool shade to the yard . On rainy days , gold droplets glistened on their soft branches . On windy days , they swayed like a restless heart , and tiny birds flew over , screeching at one another , alighting neatly on the thin , supple branches only to take off again . Under the covers , Kino curled up like a worm , shut his eyes tight , and thought of the willow . One by one , he pictured its qualities - its color and shape and movements . And he prayed for dawn to come . All he could do was wait like this , patiently , until it grew light out and the birds awoke and began their day . All he could do was trust in the birds , in all the birds , with their wings and beaks . Until then , he couldn 't let his heart go blank . That void , the vacuum created by it , would draw them in . When the willow tree wasn 't enough , Kino thought of the slim gray cat , and its fondness for grilled seaweed . He remembered Kamita at the counter , lost in a book , young runners going through gruelling repetition drills on a track , the lovely Ben Webster solo on " My Romance . " He remembered his wife in her new blue dress , her hair trimmed short . He hoped that she was living a healthy , happy life in her new home . Without , he hoped , any wounds on her body . She apologized right to my face , and I accepted that , he thought . I need to learn not just to forget but to forgive . But the movement of time seemed not to be fixed properly . The bloody weight of desire and the rusty anchor of remorse were blocking its normal flow . The continuing rain , the confused hands of the clock , the birds still fast asleep , a faceless postal worker silently sorting through postcards , his wife 's lovely breasts bouncing violently in the air , something obstinately tapping on the window . As if luring him deeper into a suggestive maze , this ever - regular beat . Tap tap , tap tap , then once more - tap tap . " Don 't look away , look right at it , " someone whispered in his ear . " This is what your heart looks like . " The willow branches swayed in the early - summer breeze . In a small dark room , somewhere inside Kino , a warm hand was reaching out to him . Eyes shut , he felt that hand on his , soft and substantial . He 'd forgotten this , had been apart from it for far too long . Yes , I am hurt . Very , very deeply . He said this to himself . And he wept . More in foreign , Marriage and relationships , Modern life , modern societyMy not so funny ValentineDedicated to the clients I never had on Valentine 's Day . What is good for business is , unfortunately , bad for the soul . That . . . Close

This page is dedicated to acts of kindness - please share those you know and include those of your own . In sharing kind deeds , positive thought is passed along , and by its mere existence , makes a difference in our world . May we always think and speak in kindness and spread as many positive ripples as we can . Heavenly Father blessed us to create in this way , and by doing so , we glorify him on Earth and in Heaven . Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in Heaven . Matthew 5 : 16 . My car was a little older and a little dinged up but otherwise as far as I knew it was in good running condition . So , I drove my sons out of state to visit some family members for a couple of weeks . The journey there was nothing to speak of , actually I don 't remember anything that stood out . Maybe because what happened on the way back was so difficult yet blessed . After delivering my sons to their grandmother whom was taking them for a vacation to the beach , I got into my car to drive home . The first two hours the car was running fine , not a problem in the world when all of a sudden my car began to overheat . By this time it was around 1 am and here I was stuck in a city that I knew nothing of . I had no one to call because all of my family had left to go on vacation , and the other half lived in other states . I didn 't know what to do . I had given all of my money to the boys grandmother for their vacation . Driving around after stopping every 5 minutes to let my car cool off , I drove to a closed car shop . When the shop opened , I told them about the problem I was having with my car . They quoted me the price it would cost to fix it which was over 500 . 00 . I tried calling my family but they were out of town . This was when cell phones were not as widely used as they are today . So , I sat there praying for a miracle . When all of the sudden , another lady whom heard of my trial told the car shop that she would pay to have my car fixed so that I could head on home . I was elated ! ! This was the kindest thing I had ever experienced from a stranger . . . or so I thought . After a couple of hours of them working on my car , they sent me on my way . Unfortunately , 30 minutes down the interstate my car started overheating again . So , I pulled over onto an exit that lead me to a lone gas station way out in the middle of nowhere . There was two men there , and I told them of my predictiment . They told me that they didn 't have a mechanic but one man said he would look at the car for me . He looked and told me he didn 't know what was wrong with it . I didn 't know what to do . Here I was a single woman out in the middle of nowhere I had no sleep and a trip that should have taken me only 5 hours had already been 24 hours . My family thought I was safe at home or work , and they had no idea that I had been stranded . I decided to wait and pray some more . The man that worked at the store told me to park my car behind the fenced in area so that I would be somewhat protected . The day turned into night , and the one man whom came to look at my car earlier decided to come back and see if I was okay . I assured him I was okay and he left telling me that in the morning he would try to get a friend to come look at it . The next morning the man came back and told me to pull my car back around front . I did , and I noticed that he had several men waiting to look at the car . He told me to go inside , and I did as they looked to see what was wrong . When he came inside to get me , he told me . . " Maam , that man there can fix your car really easy , but he wants something in return . " I didn 't know what he meant , as I had told him earlier that I only had 20 . 00 on me . I looked perplexed at him , and then re realized that I didn 't know what he meant . He then told me , " When he gets the car fixed , which is just a short in the fan , I want you to get in that car and take off . Don 't stop , just go . " I had no idea why he wanted me to do that . It wasn 't until later after I had some rest and explained what happened to my family that they told me what was expected of me , and how God had looked out for me when things could have turned very My two grown sons live nearby . Life has be a bit " slim " for the youngest & I . We are so blessed to be able to get food from food banks . We live in an area abundant with fresh fruit & veggies when not used by those in need is sold to the pig farmers . My older son lives in a sober house , a rough place to be . The men there take turns cooking dinner . An older man who is " house " manager , cooks " country style " breakfast for these 13 guys most mornings . This morning my son text to ask if I would like homemade biscuits , eggs & sausage gravy from their leftovers . Would I ever ! ! There was plenty to share with my younger son . My heart can 't convey the gratitude I have for these these needy , most are addicted , many just out of jail , many " gang bangers " & " skin heads " , men . Yet , I see each have a God particle somewhere inside & I pray for them , my son prays for them . Thank you for allowing me to share . Praise God for each of his creation because in the beginning he looked down & declared , " it is good " . And so it shall be one day . A Saving Angel - Kris It was April , and it was supposed to be spring . My daughter who has graduated from college and is working to put money away and I live alone on 100 acres in the Wyoming country . It started snowing on Monday night , and the wind blew all night long too . I got the call at six the next morning that the school where I teach was cancelled . My daughter and I plannned to walk our quarter of a mile driveway to see how badly we were snowed in . Just as we were headed out the door , my neighbor , Lonnie , showed up with his tractor and asked if we needed him to plow our road . There is no way we could have gotten out without his help . He was our saving angel that day , and we are filled with gratitude for his help . Being a Little Light Every Day - Mark There 's a guy that I worked with just recently who worked his last day yesterday . He 's left for the Marines / the military . He 's only 23 years old and I knew he was leaving for some time . So , my act of kindness was being a light to him a little everyday . He wasn 't very spiritual when I first met him , but seemed open to me whenever I talked about God and the hereafter . I felt that it was important that I do this for only God knows what will happen to him once he 's gone . Well , now he 's gone . It was an act of kindness , because at least some light or truth will go with him . Out of the Blue - Sherrie My step son who is 26 yr . old went to a dentist office because he had a tooth that needed to come out . He had no insurance and asked if they would take payments and they said no . He was in a lot of pain and desperate to get the tooth out so he asked the Dentist if he could tell him the best way he could take it out himself . Out of the blue a lady who was in the waiting room stood up and said , " take the boys tooth out " and she used her credit card to pay for it . There are angels among us . The Busker - Fiona In rags and dirty torn up old clothing was an old man sitting on a flaked green park bench . At his dark shoeless feet lay a dusty , grey wide brimmed hat which had small pieces of the soft fabric torn out of it . His face was dull and lifeless as his large cracked lips blew breathlessly on an old faded red harmonica . His grey hair was short and oily . He was very tanned and had cracked skin like a dried up river bed . Busy rich people snobbishly walked past in their expensive Calvin Klein suits and designer outfits taking no notice of the busker or his empty hat . Everybody was too busy worrying about their minor problems to notice someone crying out for help . All of a sudden a young boy swiftly ran over to the old man . The boy reached into his deep pocket and slowly pulled out a crisp , brand new ten dollar note and dropped it into the old man 's hat . The old man stopped playing his rusty harmonica . He looked at the young boy with his large sad eyes and gave him a big toothless smile . The man bent down steadily and with a shaking hand picked up the note out of his wide brimmed hat and placed it into his loose stitched pocket . " Thanks kid " , he said with a slight stutter and continued to play his harmonica . All of a sudden his face didnt 't seem so lifeless anymore . Loving Ripples Created by Receiving - Cheryl Today , I had a very spiritual experience regarding the " RIPPLE EFFECT " that I want to share with you . When I got up this morning I made a list of Pre - Christmas things that I felt was very important for to me to get done . But Father in Heaven had other plans for me instead . Last night my niece fell down some concrete steps and twisted her ankle . Being in great pain this morning she needed a ride and I volunteered to drive her to the neighborhood ER clinic . The admitting nurse told us that it would be at least an hour wait due to a man there who was having a heart attack and needed immediate attention . Not wanting to sit inside the waiting room the whole hour , I agreed to help her outside to sit on the bench . On our way out the door we met the next lady in line to see a doctor . My niece informed her the same information about the hour wait . The lady told us that since she had plenty of time to grab something to eat , being it was the lunch hour , she asked if she could get something for us ? We both said , " No , thank you ! " I went to my van and got out a spare blanket that I always keep there for emergency and made my neice comfortable . Then remembering what my mother taught me about the native ways , that when someone wants to serve you or give you something with pure intent , you honor that person by saying , " Yes " and " Thank you . " So when the lady asked us again I said , " You know , now that I think of it , I would love a root beer with no ice please . " A big smile lit up her face and she restated , " That is no ice , right ? " And I said " Yes . " But my niece still said " No thank you . " The Lady was called back into the clinic , and I explained to my niece that in saying " No " we were not allowing someone their blessing of service . I told her that it would make that lady 's day if she could do something nice while asking for nothing in return . I explained to her that she would not have asked twice if she did not really want to do something special for us . Five minutes later the lady comes back outside where we were sitting . To my Compassion - Our Impact on Others - added by Maria I work at a nursing home in Seattle Washington . I work a lot with alzheimers patients . One day I was sitting with a woman who is a patient with alzheimers . She was speaking gibberish to me as usual . You could not ever clearly understand her words . Suddenly she took my hand and looked me in my eyes and said " Thank you for your kindness " She then went right back into gibberish , and then passed a way the next day . I realized how important it is to be compassionate to all people and Gods creatures . We all have a big impact on each others lives , whether we know it or not . Any form of kindness can be a miracle to another . That woman taught me such a lesson in just a moment of her spirit reaching out to me . 29 November 2011 My partner and our daughter were having something to eat in a local restuarant . While my step - daughter was helping herself to some salad she dropped some cucumber on the floor , causing her father to tell her off . A nun passed at the time and placed her hand on my daughters head and informed her that she was doing a marvelous job . She then looked at my partner and said " We forget that we were childern once . " I found this so powerful and thought provoking . It is true that we do tend to forget how we arrived at being a " grown up " and sometimes we should cut the little ones some slack . xx 9 May 2011 One day I went to a local grocery store when I was feeling low . As I went past the Deli a voice cried out " How are you today ? " Without thinking I replied " Not so good . " Before I knew it a short stocky woman came out of the Deli and wrapped her arms tightly around me and said " God bless you ! " There was such love and light in her eyes ! That was my first of many encounters with Evelyn . She gives of herself as completely as anyone I 've ever known . She even showed up at a garage sale for a friend raising money for a liver transplant and worked , lovingly and happily all day . I 've given her copies of a few of my favorite books , including " Embraced " . . When I go to the grocery I now look for her , always sure that I will give and receive a hug and an " I love you ! " Evelyn 's love of God and Jesus ripples through my life and many others . 26 April 2011 Hi Betty , I had an idea ( inspiration ? ) to print a prayer I took from one of your books on bright colored paper , " The Light of God Surrounds you , The Love of God Enfolds you , The Power of God Protects you , Wherever you are , God is , and all is well " I fold this into a small origami envelope and tuck a dollar inside . I leave these in various places for people to find - - just a random act , small ripple , to encourage and lift someone . I trust God to choose who should find them . I also put " Romans 12 : 21 " and this website address under the prayer , in case someone wants to respond , and it may lead someone to read your books who needs their message . I 'd be really embarrassed if someone knew I was doing this because it seems a little nutty but I enjoy doing it . My husband died on the last day of our honeymoon in Maui , Hawaii on Thanksgiving Day November 26 , 2009 . We were married for only 12 days . He drowned in the ocean while he was snorkeling . It was just 2 days after we celebrated my 40th birthday . We met late in life , in February 2007 . We were thrilled to have finally found each other after all these years . What was supposed to be the start of our wonderful , new life together turned out to be a tragic ending . I was devastated . It all seemed so surreal . I had to return home to New Jersey without my husband ; but thankfully , I did not fly home alone . My husband and I met a woman who was traveling alone from Reno , Nevada during a day trip that we took earlier in the week . Her name was Zhanna and she was staying at the same hotel . She was going to the airport on the same day we were leaving , and we offered to give her a ride to the airport with us . After she found out what happened to my husband that morning , Zhanna came right down to the beach to be with me by my side and later sat with me in my hotel room all day . When the police and the chaplain came to help me make the travel arrangements to go home the following day , I told them that I am dreading that long and awful flight home all by myself . Without hesitation , Zhanna offered to travel to NJ with me to keep me company and she would go home to Reno the next day . She was already away from home for 9 days , and she gave up going home to see her husband and her baby . Zhanna sat next to me on the plane , held my hand and wiped away my tears . It was the kindest and most selfless thing that any stranger has ever done for me in my life . I will always remember her and her kindness . She was there for me during the worst moment of my life . She was my angel . We continue to keep in touch today . It has been one year now and what a tough journey it has been . The pain and the loneliness can be so unbearable at times . I cried every single day for the first 9 months . I miss and think about my husband all the time . I feel a lot of angeI hove been so touched by his words - Joyce About twelve years ago I was sitting on my front porch waiting for my daughter to come home from Ocean City . It was a very warm and muggy day . A one - legged man was walking with the assistance of 2 canes . He stopped to wipe the sweat from his forehead and I said hi and asked where he was headed and he replied to Lilly which was about 3 miles away . I gave him excuses that I would give him a ride but I was waiting for my daughter and he said thanks anyway and went to go on his way . Thank God I had second thoughts and yelled to him to hold on . As he got in the car I was still a little nervous and asked that he wasn 't going to hurt me and he smiled and said no . We chatted about nothing but when we got to his destination he looked at me and thanked me and then said that the Lord will remember me on the day of the apocalypse . Was that our Lord I gave a ride too ? I have been so touched by his words still after all these years . You know I never saw that man again and I go to that town a lot . It was a few years ago , my sister and I had stopped to eat . She had gone back into the restaurant to use the restroom I was sitting in the car and saw a very unkempt gentleman . His hair was unruly and clothes disheveled and dirty . I had recently made a vow to give directly to the homeless . I got out of the car and approached the man . I gave him some money ( a larger amount than usual ) but also I patted his arm and said " God loves you . " He smiled and said " Thank you . How did you know I needed this exact amount of money so badly ? " I remember being startled by the fact that his eyes had a godliness to them . I felt like I had looked into Jesus 's eyes . I felt at peace . I know that I was the one on the receiving end that day too . I believe we have all have God 's essence . It is important to look and see it in others . I was drawn to him and he was there at the right time for me to connect with him and to give / receive . He was there to give / receive also . I was getting off work and saw an elderly woman speaking to a sales rep about her computer and the rep was telling her it was best to just buy a new computer . i was compelled to listen in on the conversation , normally I let the sales reps do their job , as I listen I was trying to see what I could do to help her out . She told me that she had two computer at home and she was not able to check her email . I was compelled by God to get her phone number so I did and told her I would call her . I called her on my first day off and she gave me her address so I went over there to see what I could do to help her out . I spent the next three hours with her talking about Jesus and I fixed her internet problem so she could check her emails . I also took her old computer home with me so I could get her Poems and important information off . While sitting there and talking to her she told me I was sent by God to help her and this made me feel great to be able to Help one of God 's children . This has happened to me on more that one occasion . I was able to get all her information off the old unit as it is not very good . I will be going back to give her all her information from the old computer and make sure her other computer is working good if not I will take it home and fix it for her . I stopped by a neighborhood restaurant to surprise my husband with some Chinese carryout . When I waked back out to my car , I saw a young woman sitting on a bench . She said she was locked out of her van , and the Chinese proprieter was mad because her car was blocking the parking lot . She said she had called someone to help her . When I was going to get back in my car , the Holy Spirit told me something was wrong . I got out and asked her if she 'd like to use my cell phone . It turns out , the people she 'd called weren 't coming . I drove her to her friends house , she got a spare key and I bought her back . She was so grateful and she hugged me . I was so glad that I had heeded that call on my heart . When we cast our bread upon the waters . . . praise God . Sincerely , Emily Just yesterday , I gave a special ornament ot a friend for her Christmas tree . She lost her 18 y / o son in a car crash one year ago , just before Christmas 2008 . The ornament was in her son 's memory with his photo in it and a lovely verse . When she opened it , she said it would be the 1st ornament they 'd place on the tree this year . She explained that the family had put up a Christmas tree , and had hung the lights on it . But she had not had it in her to hang the ornaments on . And that the new special ornament would be the help she needed to get started . I cannot tell you how blessed I felt , that I had helped this woman , and her family to begin to heal just a tiny bit . Praise God ! ! ! ! ! Back in the early 1980 's , my husband and I were a young married couple struggling to provide for our two - year old daughter . Some days we didn \ 't know how we 'd feed our family until the next pay check arrived . But every time we were flat broke , we 'd find money someone mysteriously left for us , once in our mailbox and twice in our car . We were in a big city far from our small hometown , and we honestly to this day do not know where the money came from . It just always appeared , right when we needed it most . God is amazing , He always provides ! Another time we had no money for Christmas presents and someone sent us $ 100 . in the mail in a card from " Santa " . It affected me to such an extent that I now always try to help anyone in whatever small way I can . We 've tried to teach our children to do the same thing . When our daughter was in kindergarten , she came home one day & asked me why a girl in her class always wore the same pair of overalls with the same shirt underneath . I told her that was probably the only clothes she had . She also told me the girl never had money to buy juice or milk at snack time . I started giving my daughter an extra quarter to carry in her backpack for the days when this girl didn 't have milk money , and she 'd quietly give it to the teacher . I always carry dog food in the trunk of my car and will feed stray dogs wherever I see them out and about , and will try to help them if they 'll let me . We 've rescued many strays over the years . I \ 'm always so happy to be able to help , the way some kind soul ( angel in disguise ) helped us in our times of need . 29 October 2009 While taking my nightly walk I noticed a group of ferral cats . I stopped to take a closer look , and noticed they were very thin . Upon that realization , I decided I would adopt this little " family " and feed them . Nightly I would bring them dry food mixed with moist fish or salmon . After some time , a few members would wait for me and offer a greeting . One cat in particular , I will never forget the look on her face ; it spoke volumes of being unloved and unwanted . Not long after a lady stopped me as I was bringing food . I was so afraid she was from animal care and control . She said she wanted to know if I fed the cats because she too was bringing food . Not only to this group , but to many other groups of stray and unwanted cats in the county . When I looked in her van it was full of cat food and bottled water ! She then thanked me for my compassion towards the animals and asked me if we could work out a feeding schedule ; at least this would reduce the food costs a bit and give this lady a much needed break . I am glad to be " working a schedule " with this fine person , knowing these animals are well fed and have people that love and care about them . 18 August 2009 I was driving down a dark and lonely road one night after work around 10 : 00 p . m . The same dark and lonely road I always traveled home on . I was tired , my feet were sore , and I was looking forward to chatting with my husband , kissing my two young children goodnight , and going to bed . Snow had begun falling lightly on my windshield when I noticed a woman and a small child walking on the side of the road . I said to myself as I drove past them , " That doesn 't look right . " I was glancing at them through my rear view mirror when I suddenly felt the Spirit prompting me to go back . It made me a bit nervous as I considered talking to a stranger on a dark and lonely road late at night , but I couldn 't ignore the prompting . So I turned around and drove up along side the woman with my heart pounding inside my chest . I rolled down my window and asked her if everything was alright - - and if she needed a ride . She told me her car had broken down and she was miles away from her nearest relative . ( This was before the advent of cell phones . ) As she was explaining her plight , I suddenly realized that she was not only accompanied by a toddler , she was holding a new - born infant in her arms who had been concealed beneath her coat ! After the woman and her children were safely settled in my car , we started chatting , and I discovered that she was the mother of 12 children ! I could not believe God had given me the opportunity to serve someone in such great need who had sacrificed so much to bring so many of His children into the world . After I dropped her off at her relative 's house , and made sure she was safe , I drove home with tears of gratitude streaming down my face for the chance to serve I had just been blessed with - - and when I considered who MIGHT have picked her up if I had not heeded the message I had received from the Holy Spirit . It is my prayer that all of us will heed those promptings when we receive them , for God cannot accomplish all He desires to do for His children without the inspired help of His Earth - bound guardian angels12 April 2009 This summer , my husband and I attended our neices wedding out of state . Our college age daughter stayed at our house to care for our animals . Our oldest yellow lab , Likki , 14 years old , is always out during the day . When my daughter returned home from work she found Likki tied up in front of our house with fresh food and water . There was a note from a woman who said they found her wandering on the highway , read her ID tag and brought her home . We think she may have been disoriented and confused by our absence . What a wonderful thing to do . This pet angel probably saved our sweet old dog and we are so grateful . 24 December 2008 Recently . I was waiting in line at a local covenience store when a 10 year old kid was searching for every penny he had to buy a bottle of Coke , a candy bar and pencils to do his home work . Well , he ended up not having enough money , so he decided to give the pencils back . I had been standing there the whole time and I finally asked the cashier how much he owed . She said 39 cents . I told her I would pay for the rest . I handed her two quarters . She took my money , thanked me and gave the eleven cents back to the kid . He turned to me and said , ' here , this is yours . ' I shook my head and just said ' No . Keep it . ' He was stunned . He thanked me and left . At that point I 'm not sure if he will remember how I helped him out in years to come , but I hope that someday after he has worked hard his whole life and has made a career for himself , if he 's ever stuck in a line waiting because a ten year old boy is short by a few cents , he remembers the same kindness he was shown so many years ago . And I honestly believe he will . The inspirational thing that stood out was that there were two other people behind me in line that were willing to do the same thing to help the kid out . They , too , were willing to make up the difference . Not to make the line move faster . I know ! Cause they both said , it 's sad to see . He needed the pencils , yet he had no choice but to give them back first . That made me feel proud of the caring in all of us to help . It 's a true story , and I hope that it made God understand that I am getting back to helping people that are ( truly ) in need . It 's easy to tell who really needs help as opposed to those that declare they are . One night , I once spotted a man and a woman struggling with bags of groceries near my home . I knew that they had walked many blocks for the grocery store was not a block or 2 away . I stopped , rolled down my window and called out , ' Do you need a ride ? ' They seemed unsure on how to respond at first , and I repeated my question . They answered , ' are you sure ? ' and I replied positively . They walked to my vehicle and piled themselves in . They still had at least 5 blocks left to go . They were so amazed by my kind gesture that the fella kept repeating , this has never happened in his life . He just couldn 't believe it . As they left my vehicle he turned to me and said , ' you must be an angel ' . I stressed to them that I know what its like to walk with groceries and would have really appreciated not having to do so , even with children in tow . It 's not the first or last time I 've given rides to people who were packing groceries , and it probably will never be my last . I was beginning a road trip by myself I was excited to be spending the next seven hours alone . I couldn 't wait to put my CD 's in and enjoy the ride . . . long story short my brand new trucks CD player stopped working . . after a few stops I finally found a brand new portable CD player as an extra I got a really nice head set , a box of double ' AA ' batteries and I was ready for some relaxing time without my three teens or husband . . just me and the open road . . . when I started my truck up . . . my CD player started playing . . . I was shocked . . . but decided to wait till later to return my stuff . . as usual when I drive I eat , get fresh coffee , full tank of gas , bathroom break and I don 't stop till I almost run out of gas . . but within ten miles of hitting the interstate ' GOD ' said take this exit . . I was on the far side of a five lane interstate but the lanes were completely clear . . . i took the exit and GOD said ' Go to the Pilot store ' I didn 't need anything my coffee was still steaming hot but I said o . kay Lord . . I went in and started for the coffee pot for more fresh coffee . . and there in front of me stood an older homeless man with a CD player that had duck tape all over it and a set of ear pieces that had made blisters on his ears they had no padding what so ever . . . I began to cry I paid for my coffee and headed for my truck to get that ' Wal - Mart bag ' when I returned the man was gone . . I got in my truck and drove around the parking lot thinking i was headed for the exit . . and I ended up at a dead end . . and in my head lights i seen this man sitting on a bench in the blackness of night . . I rolled my window down and said ' Excuse me sir I believe GOD has a gift for you . . and he wanted me to drop it off ' I gave him the whole bag reciept and all . . he began to cry and said ' I just prayed this morning and ask GOD if he was still watching over me and look he 's sent and Angel with a gift ' I didn 't take ANY credit for it what so ever . . . I hugged him told him that GOD is with him everyday of his life . . . when i drove away i had to pull off28 May 2008

Sometimes I just love web stats . . Someone did a search for Connie 's kittens ( was that you ? ? ) and I thought what an interesting search . Wonder if it is someone I know who did it , or it is just a coincidence . I seriously thought she was in labor on Friday . I almost stayed with her all night , but I wasn 't sure that was the best move either , so I went to bed expecting kittens in the morning . She was restless as all get out , appeared to be having small contractions , and she did NOT want me to touch her belly at all , where as normally she 's ok with a rub . No kittens Saturday , no kittens Sunday , and no kittens now . I thought maybe she wanted company when she gave birth , so I 've been spending more and more time with her , and that just seems to make her ignore me . We went and watched a movie last night with her , and all she wanted to do was meow out the windows at her own shadow . We ended up shutting off the light , and it calmed her a little , but she is still a very hyper kitty , and bordering on being bored . She wanted OUT of the kitten room this morning . I introduced her to Eli who is very passive at the thought of new kitties . She ended up hissing something fierce at him ( and he was all like " how rude ! " ) . I keep telling her , pop those kittens out and you 'll have something to do , but alas , no such luck . Momma kitty is still very much a kitten herself . I was able to spend some time with her last night , and I sat down to pat her . She crawled right up into my lap , shoved her nose into my chest and proceeded to kneed away from the next 10 minutes . The poor thing is so small , fine boned , pencil thin tail , and so petite , I can only assume she is barely older then 6 months . Still a kitten herself getting herself in to this mess . . I can only hope things go smoothly for her . Ive been feeding the living daylights out of her , and it 's running right through her . Poop the size of small kittens being produced several times a day . I can only hope she is able to get the nutrition she needs out of it . So a month or two ago we started having problems with someone pooping outside the box . It was clear across the basement in the " media room " section of the basement , near the pool table and the treadmill . Both my husband and I assumed it was Kit - the smallest of the kitties , and the biggest drama queen we own . She is tightly bonded to my husband , and when things don 't go her way she puts on a huge show of things , to the point we thought she was being tortured by the other kitties , until we got a good look at what was going on . So her emotions are right on her sleeve , and she tends to not want confrontation , so we were thinking she was having problems feeling comfortable in the litter box area ( we have three children sized wading pools as litter boxes ) and thus was looking for a new spot . I put a new litter box in upstairs away from the mayhem in the back bathroom . I showed it to Kit , made it a positive thing , had Daddy show her where it was and praise her for using it . So she uses it . But there would still be occasional deposits left in the basement . I put up road blocks ( extra cat beds spaced closely together ) and put a fan to blow air across that area so as to make it less inviting . Deposits were still left . Plastic carpet protectors for chairs ( the kind you get at the office supply store ) were brought in and put up side down so the spikey bits were pointing up . Alas , it did not matter . Well last night I heard scraping on the carpet . I looked over and saw Ollie . He tends to want to cover when ever a klingon falls off of someone , so I assumed that was what he was doing . I asked him what he was doing and he just looked at me with big round eyes - like I had caught him in the middle of something . I said never mind , and tried to ignore him . He continued scraping , and then proceeded to poop . He perches on his tiptoes when he * does his thing * and I can only assume that it is uncomfortable standing in litter . Probably needs muscles in his legs to be stable and those muscles are starting to be compromised by the tumor . I feel horrible , but I so don 't want him pooping on the carpet ( fortunately due to feeding raw food his stool is so firm and dry that it does not stain the carpet in the least and can be picked up like marbles ) I certainly don 't want anyone else thinking that using somewhere other then the litter box is ok . This is going to require some thought and probably some fancy sort of plan . as for Jack , this is a fun story . I did " day of beauty " the other day and saw a flea on his tummy . I tried to nab it , but it was just too fast . I looked around for evidence they were setting up shop , and didn 't really see any , but I did see a second flea - which I was able to pull off of him . I proceeded to clean his ears , trim his claws and comb him , with no real evidence he was infested , but since then all I can feel under his collar was flea dirt . Not having flea product in the house , I decided to give him a bath . Not sure this was the wisest move , but it was the one I had at hand . I filled the tub , and then ignored it for a few minutes . I grabbed an open can of food , a plate and Jack . Jack was so interested in the food , and the possibility he might get it , that he didn 't realize I was locking him into a room with a tub full of water . I put the food on the counter and then went to put him into the water . He let out the biggest loudest hiss ( channeling his inner snake ? ) swearing at me - or the water I 'm not really sure . I hesitated , then proceeded putting him in the water , and got a second swear . For a moment I was a little afraid of my boy , but in for a penny - in for a pound . Unfortunately the water wasn 't deep enough that it didn 't cover all of his back , so I soaped that and his neck up , and let him sit in the water for five minutes , hoping to drown the fleas . He was so pathetic , whimpering , and starting to shake . He certainly does know how to press my buttons . I then started to rinse him off , which panicked him and he tried to get out , but he couldn 't get perch on the floor of the tub . I let him put his paws on the lip of the back of the tub , then needed to move him to get the other side , so I let him hang over the spigot . He so did not like this one little bit , and tried to get out . Fortunately he loves and trusts me enough that when I showed him he needed to stay in the tub , he let me , and sat there and let me finish . I was able to wring some of the water off him , but his fur is so unique , that it wasn 't by Ok , this is dangerous . I have been watching my momma kitty , and she 's been sleeping nicely in the large litter box they sent home with me for a bed . I saw her starting to groom , and I started sitting on the edge of my seat until she settled back down and went to sleep . darn . Well I have to say , I am a little sad and a little happy at the same time . I was able to get Jim over his fear of people , and definitely made some major improvement in Cricket . They both were interested in me when I showed up and Cricket didn 't mind when I patted her if she was just sitting there ( but please don 't when I 'm busy ) I felt bad about having to keep them locked up . When they had free run of the room , they peed on the couch twice ( not sure if it was both of them or just her ) so I covered the couch . Which worked ok at protecting the couch , but not the cat beds ( see the peeing across the room post ) So I covered those . They seemed to be ok using the box when they were locked in the cage ( see image above far left ) but I couldn 't leave them in there all day , kittens need exercise . So for an hour each morning I let them run around . They seemed to be doing ok in the peeing front as of last night . But this morning I realized it was a different story . As I mentioned , they weren 't eating well at all . I tried dry food , I tried KMR , I tried loaf food , I tried shredded food , high gravy food ( biggest hit ) and fish food . Still between the both of them they might have eaten 3 oz of food a day . . . not nearly enough for growing kittens . They were losing weight . The litter box had urine clumps in it the first few days . I wasn 't so concerned about no stool since they weren 't eating much . This weekend I noticed there was stool debris - as if they had diarrhea . So I gave them some strongid . I thought if they had worms , it would account for the diarrhea and some kittens have poor appetites if their stomachs are full of worms . It wasn 't getting better , and this morning Cricket had diarrhea all over her back legs . I called the shelter and gave them the story of not eating , losing weight , and now the diarrhea , and they wanted to see them . I brought them in , and they think it is best if they watch them for a few days and hopefully get a stool sample to test . it is a problem when it is pure liquid getting a sample in to them , as it is absorbed by what ever it is in , and is impossible to test . So I brought them in . I was thinking I 'd get them tonight or tomorrow AM , but they think it is best to keep them for a few days , and since they didn 't have an empty cage to put them in , they asked if I could take a new one . Chances are J & C will end up with the manager and go from there . I 'm sorry I 'm not going to see this one through , but when I cleaned up the room from their romp this morning , I realized someone went pee out side of the box again . I went to put the litter box down for the new pregnant kitty I took in , and saw a pile of stool in the corner . It was almost pure mucus . . . which is not good . So on the upside , I won 't have to deal with inappropriate elimination . I just hope they don 't have some foreign problem that is going to infect the kitty I just brought in ( because while I cleaned , I didn 't have time to bleach every surface so if they have something hardy and long lasting , it could be an issue ) She doesn 't have a name at this point . She ate half a can of food , and enjoyed looking out the window as I was leaving . I 'm hoping she pops out the kittens right quick and everything goes smoothly . I know I can 't see these kits till the end , as we are going to Florida in a month , but I can at least open up a cage at the shelter for a month . * fingers and toes crossed everything goes ok * I didn 't check this morning , but I was in there on Sunday , and I saw the July fosters . Cordi had been adopted , but Angel , Willow and Spike were all still there , and in a cage with a number of little black kittens . It was so adorable , Angel and Spike were right at the front of the cage looking for attention , Willow was curled up in the back surrounded by little black kitties . She really didn 't want me to disturb her , so I didn 't . I let the kittens out of the cage this evening and let them run around . I engaged them both in playing with a fishing pole toy , and Jiminy was very engaged , and loved the attention . Cricket was not fond of being patted but at least she was playing with me . After a few minutes ( not more then ten ) she looked in the cage , turned right around and then almost immediately went to a pet bed on the far side of the room and squatted . I said " no " and grabbed her and transported her across the room and put her in the box . She remained squatted , and finished peeing . I praised her ( not sure how much good it did since she 's not all that interested in what I want ) She then went to the upper level of the cage , and I decided I 'd put Jim away and feed them , so I reached over , kneeling to reach him , and grabbed Jim . When I stood up , I realized my knees were spotted wet , and it took me a moment to realize that Cricket was peeing the entire time . Silly kitten . When I was given these kittens ( I 'm thinking they are going to be Jiminy and Cricket ) I was told they both weighed over two pounds ( which they do ) which means they are about 8 - 10 weeks . Well they act very much like they are 4 - 6 week old kittens . They are shy , they are CLUMSY ! and they are peeing on the couch ! ! I introduced them to where the box was ( inside a cabinet that is very easily accessible and they have both been in it on their own ) so it isn 't like they didn 't know where it was , but I think a lack of being able to see it caused the problem . so I 've now covered the couch with objects and taken the litter box out of the cabinet , so hopefully we won 't have another issue . They also aren 't eating much of anything . The first can of pate seafood was nibbled on , maybe 1 / 8th of that disappeared . The second was shredded turkey , and I didn 't notice any of that going . The water appears untouched , the dry food untouched . So I went and got some kitten milk - ignored ( although a few ccs were shoved into their mouths and consumed ) and the A / D got nibbled on but I gave them less then 1 / 4th of the can and there was still quite a bit left in the bowl this morning . So this morning they got a can of gravy lovers fancy feast . If they don 't eat that , I 'm going to have to break out the raw and hope they 've been introduced to meat . I can 't deal with them not eating much - seeing how much I love watching kittens eat . They are healthy , active , not mucus covered , so I suppose they just don 't need as much as the last group ( NO one really needs as much as the June group ate . Zander and Oz were a little excessive in their love of food ) They are still freaking out when I hum . They don 't mind me when I first come in the room to love over them , but trying to get them used to me also freaks them out . Cricket will play with me for a bit ( all be it very much like a 4 - 5 week old kitten plays ) then goes and hides . * shrug * I just need to remember that every kitten is different : ) I tried out Eli and Elizabeth on the kittens last night , and they just didn 't seem to fit . So I 'm looking up twin names , and saw Cinnamon and Spice , which really made me do a double take because I had a dream last night I was visiting a neighbor that I had when I was growing up , and I mentioned the woman down the road who owned a set of kitties named C & S . I even commented in my dream about the kitties . Unfortunately that just doesn 't seem to fit them either , but I 'll have to keep that in mind for future kittens . I was thinking of B , Z and O last night , and I realized I was happy about their adoption . I guess the pain of losing them sending them on really was wearing on me . I guess I 'm just being overly emotional for what ever reason . the new kittens are quite the pair . They really like one another . Here are some photos from the web cam this morning , The shots I took of them this morning will have to wait until I find the cord for my camera that I 'm sure one of my cats ran off with . . I went to snuggle them a little bit and I started humming to them , that was apparently just the freakiest thing EVER , because they really didn 't want me to do it . They got used to it , but it took some time , and I could hear them saying " please stop that ! ! " very distinctly : ) The July fosters went back this morning . My intention was to hang around for their adoptions , but I soon learned that it was probably not a good idea . A woman and her husband and dog and child came in and she wanted a " short haired female " kitten that would go outside . I 'm assuming short hair because people think they shed less ( my DSHs shed way more then my medium or long hairs ) and female because she heard they were friendlier . ( total myth btw ) When I told her that I have an even mix of genders and some of each are friendly and standoffish , she was ok with a male . She really liked the idea of Angel , but then she talked about letting him out - which of course set me on edge , and I went into the explanation of the dangers , and tried to be as non judgmental as I could about it , but being emotionally invested in these kittens and knowing Angel as I do , I don 't know if I was . The mother was quite odd , and I was surprised she was there to get a kitten . She would not let her child nor her dog walk on the floors of the shelter . She asked about germs and it was explained that the floors are sanitized but being as active as they are there very well could be something - so the dog and the kid stayed up off the floor . She talked to me about care of a kitten and was wondering if she would be " overwhelmed " . . well yea , THEY ARE KITTENS ! ! * sigh * They picked Angel , and my heart broke . I went to find the shelter manager about their information and I couldn 't find her , and when I went back into the adoption lobby the couple was gone . They had gone outside to discuss it , and realized they were going to visit friends and there might be litter box issues . . so they decided to hold off I had tried to talk her into an adult cat , as I think that would be a much better fit for her paranoia needs and her family , but no go . They are going to come back in the next few days ( or maybe next week ) and pick one then . Hopefully they 'll find a good match for their home . I felt a little uncomfortable that I might have been a little unPC talking about going outside , and I was such a mess from the thought of Angel going outside , that I decided to go home . I found the shelter manager and explained how I was feeling , and how I was not even going to have new kittens to distract me . She suggested a short term foster , and I went to go see what she was offering . Two little tuxie kittens that are two pounds , and I took them . one short haired ( but fuzzy ) boy and one medium haired double pawed girl . They aren 't nearly as people orientated as the last set , and that is probably a good thing . I 'm sure if I shove them full of food that they 'll be ready to go by the end of the week . I was thinking I 'd call them matching names . The boy looks a lot like my Eli so I was thinking Eli and Elizabeth . I haven 't settled on that though . They do remind me a lot of Happiness and Joy . Happy was a tuxie , but Joy was a tabby with white so I 'm not quite sure why I feel the connection . . . they aren 't feral , nor are they even that fearful . * shrug * I 'm sure something will come to me . OK that was way harder then even I thought it was going to be . I woke up four times last night thinking of them . it was foolish , but then again I 've never been one to not be emotional , so I 've just got to put on my big girl panties and deal with it . I went and got the kittens at noon time and brought them into work . They were very disruptive and a tad destructive - not having spent a lot of unsupervised time in an unkittenproof room , but it was fun . I did bring them over a bit too early , as by the time the day ended a few " boxes " had been found for elimination purposes . Got to give those kittens kudos for using a box though . So I met the new " mom " . " Dad " didn 't come in , but " Nana " and " Poppa " did . It was really very cute . And on paper and in the self contained moments that were their adoption , I should be thrilled . But the woman who adopted them was someone I knew from high school ( odd thing they told me the woman was from the town we went to school in , but she does not live there any more ) . Now I have such bad memories from that time , that I 'm sure it clouded my judgment on things , and I just have to focus on the here and now . As I said , in the here and now , she is the ideal adopter . I don 't think there was anything ( aside from the history ) that I could have asked that she be or do . She previously owned a cat for 16 yrs until it became too ill ( not just a little ill ) , and she has since had the kitty tattooed on her leg ( great likeness too ! ) She tears up at the mere thought of mentioning her kitty . Her co - workers threw her a " kitten shower " with gifts for the " triplets " . She has a seven foot scratching post , already had food , litter , etc - meaning she put a LOT of thought into it . She was going to take my suggestion of one room - and she made it her bedroom so they could sleep with her . I did a write up for Buffy Zander and Oz in the hopes of finding them a home together . The shelter posted it with some photos I sent over and today someone called . Sounds like a good home . . so why are tears rolling down my cheeks ? I know these kitties aren 't mine , and I know they can 't be . I 've resigned myself to the fact that they are only in my care for a short time , but these two litters are exactly what I want when I imagine the joy of fostering . They are fun , loving , wanting attention , wanting to be in my lap , wanting to interact with me , healthy with just a smidge of needing care , and with purr boxes that can shake the walls when they are happy . The ideal fosters don 't come around very often any more . Either they are so sick that it is scary , or they are so independent that I don 't feel as if I am much more then a food dispenser and litter scooper . The latter certainly makes it easier for me to give them back , but it isn 't nearly as much fun . Guess I forgot that when the fun ends , there is a hole . DH is going out of town soon , so this means I will be kitten free for a little bit . . . which will probably make that hole a little deeper and a little darker . I was so hoping that they would last out until next week . If all goes well , they will be in their new home by the weekend . Well I 'm calling it . The kittens are officially sick . Cordi broke with a bad eye before they were neutered , and I figured if I hit it hard it would be over with before it started . I guess it was brewing and being neutered was just too much stress for those July kittens , because Cordi , Spike , Angel and Willow have all sported a snot nose in the past few days . I figured they 'd come right out of it and be ok , but it is lingering , so this morning I broke out the antibiotics . It isn 't bad , just annoying and to the point that medication would be a good idea . While I am quite thrilled that they aren 't going back quite yet , the down side of caring for them ( the 10lbs of litter a day that they use and the 10 cans of food they go through ) is getting a little excessive . I sent a little blurb and some photos over to the shelter to get the June kittens adopted together . I am both looking forward to and dreading when they leave . Zander is a right little pain in the tushie . He REALLY wants to save me from that silver thing hanging around my neck with the dangling stone on it . Unfortunately he ends up biting ME when trying to get it , and pulling VERY hard once he does . I could deal with him playing with it , but he is a little obsessed , and a little more then a bit excessive to get to it . One day I had to take it off . The other I had it on under my shirt and still he needed to get it . . . NEEEEEDED to get it . . Lets just say he 's worse then Jack with the thought of a cookie . Buffy still sidles up to me and looks for attention which is all too sweet . * sigh * I so hope the right home is out there waiting for them . I wish my crew would get together and form a censous on what I should do each morning . Ollie is of the thought that I need to get up . . . not just get up , but * GET UP NOW ! * . . he walks right up the bed , puts his nose to mine and meows at me . When I pat him he starts slamming his tail around . When I start to stir , several other cats show up . Jack is usually at my back , but Muffin will start at my calf and walk up my body and sit on my chest and insist that I stay in bed . Fleurp is of the stay in bed variety of cat too . Twee and Kit generally want to play . Skippy shows up from time to time and sits on me and drools . I don 't think I 've quite figured out what his agenda is , although I 'm sure it changes randomly . I have to tell you , it is very VERY hard to get out of bed when you do not want to AND you have 40 + lbs of cat on and around you . This morning I asked my husband to help me out , and he called to them and tried to get their attention , even so much as going into the kitchen which excited Ollie and Fleurp , but Jack and Muffin were NOT BUDGING ! I think nothing short of breakfast would have gotten them off me . So I got up , and shuffled down the hall - my entourage in tow . It really is quite amusing that where I go they go . It is more dramatic in the AM when they think that food might be involved . This morning while treating Ollie , he tried to jump up on the lounge and missed . His tumor is definitely wearing on him . I realized the other morning he hadn 't jumped up over the fridge in quite some time . DH hadn 't noticed him up there either . ( surprisingly none of the other kitties who used to get up there have done either ) Just another sign post on that road . Of course no one has told Ollie this , and he refuses to accept where he is going I think . Last night we heard quite a bit of cat calling . Twee does it when she gets lost . Jack does it when he finds the fish . Muffin does it from time to time when she feels she 's not welcome on the bed with me ( because she 's stepped on my head three times in a row and I kept tossing her off - so she waits till I invite her back up ) Last night it would not stop despite calls that the humans were in the other room waiting for what ever need was needed . DH commented that they were trying out for the glee club . A few moments later I got up for something in the kitchen and saw Ollie biting Jack on the neck in that dominance stance that became all too familiar since Em passed . Guess Ollie is just not ready to hand over his " King Ruler of All ' crown . So , the kittens went off to be neutered on Tuesday . I have to say it was not an easy thing for me . They went to a different clinic then I 've used before ( actually my first rabbit was actually neutered there 15 + years ago ) . I dropped them off at 8am , and went about my day . When I have kittens neutered at the clinic closer to my work they are ready to go home at 1pm . This one wanted me to call at 4pm . So I called , and the boys were ready , but they hadn 't even finished the girls . They needed to spend the night ( arrgh ) and the clinic wasn 't opening till 10 the next morning so I couldn 't pick them up . DH was going to pick them up after his thing , which was going to be closer to 4pm . Well someone working at the clinic thought they were doing the shelter a favor and brought them to the shelter . So now they were in a cage at the closed shelter and I couldn 't get them until the next morning . My goodness it was such a long process ( not to mention they came home with actual stitches that need to be removed ) It was Thursday before they got home , and it was a fun reunion . The girls were quite anxious to investigate to make sure nothing had changed , while the boys were anxious to sniff them to see where they had been . Finally they settled down to have breakfast . Here again is King Ollie , sitting on his new throne . Just this morning he went to put a stop to a fight with Skippy and Fleurp , it was rather cute . My dad came over yesterday , and once again he didn 't run . In fact he not only didn 't run , he wandered around the house and interacted with the other cats . Everyone showed up but Muffin . Dad came to look at my car and my microwave . It was nice to see him . As for Skippy and Bri , I woke up the other morning to see them actually snuggled up together . It was so unbelievably cute , but by the time I got my camera , I had obviously distracted him and they weren 't as close . I sat around for a while , and while they were interactive , they wouldn 't snuggle . I did get this shot though . They are so darn cute Well the kittens finally have an appointment to be neutered , it will be Tuesday the 3rd . Wouldn 't you know it that Cordi broke with a huge eye infection as soon as I got the appointment ! ! Green goop oozing out of her eye conjunctiva all inflamed . I went to the shelter over the weekend and got some terramycin . The manager was reluctant to hand it over - which surprised me as I used to use it all the time , but apparently it turns teeth yellow among other side effects . But since this is green goop , I really wanted it and she had nothing else since the trioptic ointment is on back order so I got it . When I got home from the shelter her eye looked absolutely HORRIBLE , so inflamed that it was hard to see the eyeball . I put in some then and there , and a few hours later when I went to feed dinner she looked much better . I gave her some more that night and this morning she looks almost normal . I also asked the shelter manager what the chances of all three of the June kittens going together . She said what I suspected , slim to none , but then she suggested that we do a write up on the website and see what happens . She 's out of the office until Thursday , so I 'll probably write it up on Wednesday after they 've been neutered and are back home . I think I am going to take a short break from fostering . My husband is being sent out of town for work , and taking care of the household with out him is taxing . Throw on some fosters on top of that and it gets overwhelming . He 's gone that third week of August . I 'll have these guys at least through this week , so it will only be two weeks - but then there is the thought that the June kitties will stay with me until someone sees them on the website and wants to adopt them , so maybe I 'll have them a little longer then that . The good news is he seems fine . He 's doing all his normal activities . His weight is down to 10lbs but that is with in the " normal " for him . He 's taking his treatments just fine - almost seeming to ask for them . The bad news , well it is to me . We had company over the weekend , and he did not run and hide when they came in . This is HUGE . . . . no wait . . HUGE ! ! No one has seen him outside of family and the cat sitter we had the last time we went away since he was a kitten . Em 's behavior changed as she faced her end of life stages , and I fear this is just one more thing . Hopefully it is more of an older kitty thing , and not so much a dying thing . He even sat there while the company came right up and patted him . I was absolutely floored . I 'm trying not to let it break my heart , as it might not be a direct correlation to the cancer , but I can 't help but thinking it is . I also realized this morning I haven 't seen him on top of the fridge in quite some time .

I laid in bed staring at my ceiling fan . I was too excited to sleep . In the morning we were going to go on vacation and it would be the first time in my fifteen years that I had actually gone to another state . I was born and raised in the suburbs of Buffalo , New York . I 've been to a couple places within New York but just to visit relatives and stuff . Now I am finally getting my chance to leave New York and see what the rest of the world is like . Tomorrow I get to go to Chicago for the first time . I can 't wait . I love cities . I never pass up the chance to go into downtown Buffalo . I just love watching all the commotion . It 's going to be so great to experience another , larger city . It wasn 't actually a true vacation . My dad works for this ad agency and they are sending him there on business . They 're going to put him up in some great hotel and he is allowed to take my mom and me with him . He 's going to have most nights and a weekend to spend with us so it should be fun . The morning finally came and I was anxiously waiting by the door with all my bags . The company was sending a car over to take us to the airport but it hadn 't arrived yet . My dad kept telling me to calm down but I was too ecstatic about the trip . My first time on a plane , my first time in Chicago , my first real vacation with my parents . It was going to be so awesome . I had a great relationship with them . We were a very close family , me being an only child I was afforded all the affection any kid could want growing up . I know some kids hated to be seen with their parents as teenagers but mine were so cool to be with . I loved them very much and enjoyed the time we spent together . Mom did some volunteer work with a bunch of different agencies . She never really had to work for money cause Dad was pretty successful . We weren 't millionaires or anything but we lived more than comfortably . Most summers Mom would stay home and take my friends and me where ever we wanted to go . She was pretty cool about it . Some times when I had a bunch of friends over she would just take off for hours , knowing that I wanted to get into a little bit of mischief . They knew I wouldn 't do anything real bad . I never got into drugs or tried to steal any alcohol from the cabinet or anything . Hell , I 've never even smoked a cigarette . I hung out with a pretty good crowd in school . We were all a bunch of band nerds just trying to fit in . I wasn 't really a geek or anything but we all had our own special quirk . I played a baritone saxophone , which put me in the same section as the tuba players . One of my better friends , Keith , weighed about two hundred - fifty pounds and fit the jolly fat - guy roll to a T . I called him the Tuba - man for obvious reasons . I also hung out with a couple of the drummers , and everyone knows how they can be . They all came over last night to bid me a good trip and all asked me to bring them something back . I sensed my dad was getting agitated by me pacing in front of the door so I took a seat on the couch with him . My knees were bouncing as I sat and watched some morning talk shows . " You 're not eager to go or anything are you , Tyler ? " He asked me . I just smiled back at him . A short time later I heard a car door shut out in the driveway and looked at my dad out of the corner of my eye . I saw him turn to me with an over - exaggerated look of excitement . I had a feeling he was going to try something and I jumped off the couch to run to the door . Just as I left the couch I was pulled back onto it in a heap of laughter . " Dad , come on ! Lemme go ! " I was laughing and whining all at once as he pinned me to the couch with one arm . Not that I 'm a weakling , but my dad is a pretty strong guy . I do work out with him quite a bit and have even developed a nice six - pack , but I was no match against him . I finally broke free , or more likely he let me go , and raced to the door . I didn 't waste time greeting the driver , I just grabbed my stuff and ran out to the car . I heard my dad talking to him while I packed everything in the trunk . " Hey Sam , how 're you doing today ? " " Oh , no thank you , we 'll get it . You 're doing enough just driving me to the airport . I really appreciate it . Tyler ! Come get your mothers bags . " He bellowed . Mom and I got in the back and Dad road up front with the driver , Sam . He and my dad talked while we made the trip to Buffalo Niagara airport and I got the feeling that Sam wasn 't just a driver . We cruised north on interstate ninety and I just zoned and stared out the window . I was thinking of all the stuff we could do during the next ten days . The more I thought the less time it seemed we had . Ten days was a lot considering the company was putting us up but with all I had in mind it wasn 't enough . With morning traffic it took us about twenty - five minutes to get to the airport . Sam pulled up to the curb and we all got out of the car . My mom and I went to the trunk and started to pile our bags on the sidewalk while Dad was talking to Sam at the front of the car . After all the bags were out I went to stand next to my dad . He and Sam shook hands and then Sam went to the drivers ' door . " Ok , call me if anything comes up . Hell , call me anyway so I know if we made the dough , all right ? Good luck , Dave . " Sam left and we gathered our stuff and moved to the long line in front of the US Airways ticket counter . " Dad , who 's that guy ? I thought he was just a driver from the company . " " No , he 's no driver . Sam 's my boss actually . He offered me this trip to Chicago and wanted to see me off personally . If things go well , this could mean a lot of money for the firm and a big promotion for me . So cross your fingers . " I had no idea it was such a big deal . I was just so hyped up about the vacation part of it I guess I never realized . It took us almost twenty minutes to get through the line . I was so bored . When we finally got to the counter the lady gave my dad a hard time about our seat assignments . I guess we couldn 't get a full row like we were supposed to . One of us was going to have to sit alone and the other two seats were three rows back and on the opposite side of the plane . It wasn 't really a big deal , just annoying I guess . I got to watch all the people as we made our way to the security checkpoint . People watching is one of my favorite pastimes . I think everyone should try it . Just observe how people act when they walk down a sidewalk or through a mall . It can tell you a lot about a person . I took off my backpack and set it on the conveyer to be x - rayed . I stepped through the metal detector and the thing beeped at me . The lady asked me if I had anything in my pockets and I said no . She made me step back through and the stupid thing went off again . I had to be frisked because of it , which I found amusing . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm all for security at the airport , but I don 't think a fifteen year old , blond haired , blue eyed , white kid that was all of five foot six inches and could push a hundred and thirty pounds after a good meal , really fit the description for a terrorist . After this fat security guard whose shirt was too small frisked me , I joined my parents at the end of the hall and we walked to our gate . Of course it was all the way down at the end of the terminal . It took us almost as long to get to it as it did to get through line . We all sat in the grimy airport chairs and waited for our flight to be called . We still had about fifteen minutes before boarding and I got bored quickly . My mom started reading some Danielle Steel book and my dad was looking over papers in his briefcase . I decided to get up and look out the window to see what was going on down on the tarmac . There was so much commotion down there . All these people running around doing different stuff . Some people drove food trucks , some drove fuel trucks , others sped around with the baggage carts . It was so cool to watch . Then I noticed the wheels on the airplane . Have you ever realized how small they are ? I mean , they 're bigger than car tires no doubt , but considering the size of the vehicle they carry , they seem tiny . I watched a guy walk over to one and check the inflation of it . Good to know that 's being done I guess . Then came the sound I 've been waiting for , " Now boarding flight 1767 service to Philadelphia . Please have your ticket and a photo ID ready as you board the aircraft . " We had to go through Philadelphia and then get on a connection to Chicago . She went on about which seats were first and all but at that point I didn 't care what she was saying . I ran back to my parents and they were putting their things away and sorting out the tickets . " I want to sit by the window , did we get a window seat , Dad ? " " Yeah , It 's not like I 'm scared or anything . " I looked to my mom and could see her apprehension . " Oh come on Mom , I 'm not a kid here . I just want to enjoy my first time on a plane . " " I didn 't say anything . If you want to sit by yourself , please by all means , Lord knows I 'll be crushing your fathers arm when we take off . " My dad rolled his eyes and my mom smacked him playfully on the arm for it . " Sweet ! " I grabbed my ticket and looked at it to see where the seat was . I noticed that my name was on the ticket . I forgot that they assigned you seats by name at the counter . I didn 't think about it till now . " Hey , my name 's on this one . " " Well duh ! You didn 't think I would put you anywhere else did you ? " He had it planned the whole time . I should have known . We got in line to get on the plane when our seats were called and Mom got picked for the random screening check . She had to go and dump out her carry - on bag and get checked with one of those hand - held metal detectors . After that was finished we all walked down the gate and onto the plane . I found my seat and had to climb over some old guy that was already sleeping in the middle seat . His wife was next to him in the aisle seat . I stared out the window for the entire takeoff . It was cool seeing the ground leave you . Everything got smaller and smaller as we continued . I actually liked the sensation in my ears . It wasn 't much different than diving to the bottom of a pool really . I forced myself to yawn a couple times and everything equalized . After we got to our cruising altitude the scenery got stale . The tops of the clouds were definitely cool to look at but after a few minutes it all looked the same . I snatched my bag out from under the seat and took out my book . I was just starting on the second book of The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice . It 's called The Vampire Lestat and so far it 's a good book . Not that I believed in any of that stuff , but I love reading sci - fi stories . After the flight attendants had passed out the drinks , my dad stopped by to see how I was . " What 's up , Sport ? Having a good time ? " " Yeah I guess so . How 's your hand ? " He made a face at me and stuck his tongue out as he rolled his eyes back . I laughed and said , " Tell Mom I 'm fine and that she can stop worrying . I 'm not a baby anymore . " After a while I felt a pop in my ears again and felt the plane start to descend . I put my book away and gazed out the window again . It was cool watching the ground slowly reappear through the fog of the clouds . Everything started to get bigger as we descended . It was such a different view on stuff , seeing all the cars driving around and the little people walking from above . I watched the whole time until we touched down and taxied across the runway . The man next to me finally woke up after we were at the gate . I waited for my parents to get up to me before I got off the plane . We only had fifteen minutes to get to our gate that was across the airport for the connecting flight . We walked at a brisk pace all the way there and got there just as our seats were being called . This time we all got to sit together . I still got the window though . My mom practically broke my hand during the takeoff . She let my dad and me know just how much she hates takeoffs and landings by squeezing our hands till the circulation was cut off . This flight was a little longer than the last . I took a short nap but some turbulence woke me up so I read a little more . When we started to land I turned back to the window . The city came into view and the collage of buildings and parks and houses was breathtaking . I scanned the ground trying to see everything and remember it all at the same time . My mom even looked out once but she squeezed my hand even harder when she did . The plane landed in O ' Hare with a slight bump and the flaps on the wings went back , slowing us down . When we got to the gate my dad stepped into the isle and let us out before everyone tried to rush for the door . We exited the plane and followed all the arrows to baggage claim . We retrieved our bags from the carrousel and went outside to the awaiting shuttle that would take us to the rental car place . While there my dad got directions to the hotel and we were on our way . I took in the sights from the back seat . Looking at all the tall buildings growing out of the scenery as we made our way into downtown Chicago from the airport . I didn 't hear where we were actually staying so I asked my dad if the company put us up in the Holiday Inn or something . He answered , " Not exactly . " And left it at that . I guess he wanted to surprise us . We finally made it into the city and I marveled at all the old statues and works of art on the sides of the road . We went under what looked to be a bridge . My dad said that it was actually the " L " an elevated railcar that ran throughout the city . Sounded cool enough . We went over a small bridge and two huge towers came into view . I saw a sign for The Hilton but surely we couldn 't be staying there . My dad pulled in and put the car into park and said , " We 're here ! " " Pretty nice huh ? They really went all out for me this time . Said that I need to be in a good environment so that I can close this deal properly . We even have one of the executive rooms reserved in case I need to have some meetings here . " " Wow , this place looks really nice . " I said as I exited the car and looked in through the glass doors . My dad popped the trunk and I went around to unload the bags but a guy in a red jacket moved passed me with a baggage cart . " Please , Sir , allow me . " He said as he began to put our bags onto the cart . Another man came out and handed my dad a valet parking slip and got in the car to drive it away . We followed the guy with the cart to the front counter and checked in . Our room was on the twelfth floor so we got on the elevator and headed up . The room was amazing . It had a huge living room area with a separate bedroom . The couch was a pull out and I guess that 's where I 'd be sleeping . There was even a phone in the bathroom . I mean how busy can you be that you need to talk on the phone when in the bathroom ? We had a great view of Lake Michigan and there was also a park in between us and the lake that looked really nice . It was after one by the time we got settled in and since my dad didn 't have anything to do today we decided to walk around for a while . We went out of the hotel and walked across the street to the park . It was called Grant Park and looked like it could be a lot of fun . There were all kinds of flyers giving notice to a free music festival that was coming up . There were soccer fields , baseball fields , volleyball courts , tennis courts , you name it , it was here . We kept walking passed the park and strolled down a sidewalk with all kinds of shops and stuff . I don 't know how far we walked . I was just trying to take everything in . It was such a cool place . I don 't know what it is about cities that I like so much but I was enjoying myself immensely . I think we had been walking for about an hour before my mom finally found a store she wanted to go into . It was some fancy dress store and my dad rolled his eyes and said that just because we were staying in a Hilton didn 't mean we were rich . She ignored him of course and walked in . We stayed outside and waited for a while before we decided that she wouldn 't be coming out anytime soon . I saw a CD shop not too far down the road and I told my dad that I was going to check it out . I walked in and started looking over the selection of music . One of the guys that worked there came over and asked if I needed any help but I told him I was just looking , but thanks anyway . I found it odd that he had a big C drawn on the back of his hand but I didn 't mention it . He seemed like a nice enough guy . I looked around for a while before my dad came in to retrieve me . He said we were going to catch a cab back to the hotel and then go out to dinner somewhere . The rest of the evening was pretty uneventful . We settled on some restaurant that had tables out on the sidewalk where we sat and watched everyone go by . We walked back to the hotel and crashed on the couch for a while . I was sitting in between my parents slumped down on the couch . I saw my dad look over at me and then back to the TV . I knew he was up to something . He looked at me again and a second later a pillow slammed into my face . He jumped up and started to run away into the bedroom so I grabbed a pillow from the couch and followed him . As soon as I stepped into the room I caught sight of a white object moving towards me from the corner of my eye . I ducked just in time to miss it this time and backhanded him with my pillow . I jumped onto the bed and we started to wrestle around for a while , smacking each other with pillows . We heard a loud , " Boys ! " come from behind us and we turned in unison to be greeted by an onslaught of pillows being thrown at us by my mom . This continued for about fifteen minutes before we were all exhausted and we lay in a heap on the bed . " All right , Bud , time for me to go to sleep . Big day for me tomorrow . I 'll try to be back at around six , we can all go out then . " We all said good night again and I closed the door as I walked out . I got the pullout couch ready and flipped through the channels as I tried to sleep . The next morning I woke up just as my dad was leaving . I went back to sleep for a while before Mom and I hit the town . The next few days were about the same . Mom and me would go around town and visit all the various museums and art galleries ( her thing , not mine ) during the day and then we would all go somewhere at night . One day we spent lying around the indoor pool at the hotel . We just vegged all day , it was great . We found Navy Pier while walking one day . It was only a couple miles from the hotel . We went out to the end and enjoyed the cool breeze coming off of the lake . We took my dad back there one night and had dinner and then caught a show at the Imax theater . Friday morning finally came and Dad was really tense . He was supposed to close on the deal today . I could understand why he was so nervous about it . This is what he has been working for all week . He 's been pitching ideas for these people and working against other ad agencies hoping to get the job . I was also eager for him to get it because if it didn 't work out then he would be miserable all weekend and we were supposed to do stuff . Plus it could be bad for his career and the firm . He was supposed to know by noon whether he got it or not . Mom and I waited around the hotel room all day , anxiously waiting to hear back from him . At about half past twelve we heard a noise from the door and both jumped up to meet him . He walked in with a slouch in his shoulders and a grim look on his face . I looked at Mom and she put a hand up to her mouth with a concerned look . When I looked back to my dad I saw a smile start to grow on his face . " I got it ! " He screamed and wrapped a hand around both of us , lifting us into the air and spinning around . We all hugged and cheered as we danced in the doorway . After we finished celebrating we started to make plans for that evening . Dad called Sam and played the same prank . When he finally couldn 't hold back his laugh anymore he told him how it had actually went . I didn 't hear the other side of the conversation but Sam seemed very pleased . Dad made reservations at some fancy restaurant and then relaxed for a while down by the pool . At about six we all got into some nice clothes and went down to our awaiting car . We drove for a while and passed by the restaurant a couple times looking for a parking space before finally giving up and settling on a parking garage about two blocks away . We walked down the sidewalk towards the restaurant chatting about what we would do all weekend . It was pretty dark out by now but the streetlights helped us find our way . I looked down an alley and saw some people sleeping next to a dumpster . Something caught my attention just past them at the end of the alley but I couldn 't make out what it was . There were three people standing there but there was something strange about them . I almost stopped to stare but my dad pulled me along . It almost looked like their eyes were … glowing . Weird . A table was ready for us when we got to the restaurant . I was surprised that there was actually a place that could take a reservation and actually live up to it . It was a pretty fancy establishment . There was one of those big fancy chandeliers hanging over our table and the waitress came out with a bottle of complimentary wine and proceeded to fill our glasses . When she got to mine she kinda looked to my dad and he nodded to her . He told her that we were celebrating a big event and that it would be ok this one time . I only got half a glass but it was the thought that counted . Dinner was excellent . Everything came out right on time and it was all cooked just right . Better yet , the waitress actually kept our glasses full ( After the first glass of wine I was switched to Coke ) . That 's about the best thing you can do for me though . My biggest pet peeve about dinning out is when my glass sits empty forever . I guess when you paid fifty bucks for a meal the drinks weren 't that big a deal though huh ? We sat and talked for a while after finishing our meal . We thought it might be cool to see a show later and asked the waitress what was good . She suggested we check out the music festival at Grant Park . I had seen flyers for it all week but never thought about going . I just didn 't think my parents would be into it . It was right across from the hotel though so maybe they would go . We thanked her and my dad tipped her really well , considering this meal was paid for by Sam . We walked out and started for the parking garage when I got a feeling that we were being watched . I turned and saw a group of three men walking about twenty feet behind us . I looked around and noticed that no one else was on the road , which seemed really odd for a city at this time of night . I kept walking but glanced back every so often to see if they were still there . I couldn 't get over this feeling though . I looked back once and one of them gazed up at me . His eyes glowed a bright yellow and when he smiled I could have sworn I saw fangs . What the hell was going on here ? " Yeah but , " What was I supposed to say ? The one guy has glowing eyes and fangs . That would get a good laugh out of them . Before I continued I turned back again and they were gone . " But what , son . " He stopped walking and turned around to see what I was talking about . " Who 's following us ? " He wasn 't mad , he had a concerned tone to his voice , but it almost seemed like he was mocking me . I screamed out as I jumped backwards . Just as I turned to face them two of the men that had been following us fell from the sky and grabbed my parents flinging them into an alley . They threw them like they were rag dolls . The whole time I stood paralyzed by fear . I yelled after them but didn 't hear any calls in return . Everything happened so fast . I was about to run after them when I felt myself being lifted up and my body was propelled forward . Before I knew what had happened I crashed down into the cement , banging my head on the ground . I grasped at my head and tried to turn so that I could locate my attacker . Before I could do anything , a strong grip was around me and I was pushed back to the ground . A hand went around my mouth and another reached around my chest securing my arms . He turned my head and I saw my parents . The other two men were crouched over them and they had their mouths nuzzled against their necks . I saw a stream of blood coming from the side of one of the assailant 's mouths as he chewed at my mother 's neck . I tried to scream but the moment I did there was a sharp pain in my neck . My body tensed and I squirmed as much as I could but the more I fought that weaker I became . My neck began to feel cold and I could hear a distinct slurping sound . His grip on me loosened and his hand slipped from my mouth . I was too exhausted to cry out though . He probably knew this . One of the men stood over my father 's body and wiped his mouth clean of blood . He had a pleased look on his face . I glanced down at my dad and I could tell that he was dying . He stared right at me and mouthed my name . I could only do that same and hope that he knew what I was thinking ; hope that he knew I loved him . I felt my body fall to the ground but there was no pain . My body was limp and I found myself unable to move . I looked up to the sky and wondered what had happened . There was no ready explanation for what had just taken place . A form appeared above me and blocked my view of everything else . He stared down at me with glowing red eyes , they looked so evil , as my blood dripped down from his chin and landed on my face . " That should teach you not to stare , kid . " The man growled . He said this and immediately looked over his shoulder . He gave a hiss at something and scampered off towards the back of the alley . I fought to keep my eyes open . It hurt so much to breath . There was an excruciating pain coming from my neck . Each time I closed my eyes I fell into an abyss of blackness , not knowing whether or not I would come out of it . Many thoughts went through my head while I lay there . I couldn 't help but feel like this was my fault . They attacked us because I stared at them . That 's what the man said . My parents must be dead or dying also and it was all because of me . Nothing made sense though . How did they do it ? Why were they so strong ? Why did their eyes glow ? Lastly , why did they run ? Someone must have saw them killing us . Maybe it was the police . Where were they ? How long have I been sitting here . It felt like an eternity . Perhaps it was only a few seconds . I kept struggling to keep my eyes open but it seemed like a loosing battle . Even when my eyelids were open my eyes would slide to the back of my head . I still had no control over my body but I could feel a coolness dripping from my neck to my shoulder and down my back a little . It pooled under me . The only thing it could be is blood . The thought terrified me to no end . I heard the ground pounding under me . It sounded like footsteps but it was amplified many times . Muffled voices filled the alley . " Those bastards , don 't they know not to feed around here ? " " What a shame . " I could hear the talk but it didn 't make sense . If they were cops why weren 't they helping me ? I was so scared . I could feel myself slipping out of this world and I was powerless to prevent it . I worked up as much energy as I could and croaked out two words . " Help me . " I 'm sure it wasn 't loud enough . I could barely hear it myself . " Holy shit . Max , come here . This one 's still alive . " A female voice spoke this time and she seemed to have a very worried tone . I guess it must look as bad as it feels . " What ? Look out Jen , let me see . " I felt a hand touch my arm and I wrestled to keep my eyes open long enough to look at him . " Shit , he 's drained pretty bad . " " I don 't know . There 's not much we can do . " He said hopelessly . I felt myself slip closer to death with each word that they spoke . " Please … I don 't want to die . " I whined . I 'm not sure my lips even moved this time . Maybe I was just thinking it . I had to try harder . " Don 't try to talk kid . We can hear you just fine if you think it , okay ? " He spoke lightly and with much concern in his voice . I didn 't understand how they could hear my thoughts but I didn 't really care , it made it easier to communicate . " Shit man , this is messed up . Why would they leave him like this ? " He touched my chin with two fingers and tilted my head to the side . He examined my neck and then turned my head back so that I was looking straight up again . " I don 't know , Jenna . I mean look at him . There 're only two things we can do at this point . " I felt that they were giving up and tried to interject . " You don 't know what you ask ! " He screamed . I felt a tear drip from my eye and shifted them so that I was looking to my left . I saw my mother and father lying just past the feet of the female . I wonder if they 're ok . " They 're gone already . There 's nothing I can do for them . " I let my eyes close and felt an urge to give up . What was the point ? My family was dead . I was dying . Did I want to live ? I opened them again and I was still looking at my parents . I shifted my gaze to the girl and was instantly inspired . She was breathtaking . She had the bluest eyes I had ever seen and the prettiest blond hair that flowed to her shoulders . Her face was so clean and smooth . I almost felt bad that I made her worried . She must look so nice with a smile . A half - smile grew on her face and she blushed slightly . She shook her head and spoke to the guy . " We can 't leave him here , Max . " She said softly . " Damn it Jen , what do you suggest ? Take him back to the lot ? I 'm sure Bryson would be thrilled with that . I don 't think he 'd last anyway . " Just then a small boy came up behind him and started to tug on his sleeve . " I thought I told you watch the street , Kid . " He yelled . The boy merely tugged harder and pointed to the front of the alley . " Fuck , Dylan , go check it . " I saw another boy go running towards the street . He was younger than me , but older than the kid that had come running up . I looked back up towards the guy that was kneeling beside me . They called him Max . He was about my age . He had black hair that was a little longer than the girls , they called her Jenna . I tried to follow what was happening but I 'm not sure it was much use . I was dying . I could feel it . I was getting so cold . It was so hard to concentrate now and my eyes were getting exceedingly heavy . I used my last remaining strength to reach out to him . My arm was numb and I didn 't really know if it was moving . I saw him look down and I clamped my hand around his wrist . " Max , please , I don 't want to die , help me , " I thought . " Please . " I said aloud with a scratchy voice . I could no longer keep my eyes open and my hand fell back to the ground . I heard two sets of footsteps running back towards us . There was a moment of silence and I knew my fate was being decided . I didn 't know why they were so scared of the police . Maybe they could help me . Why didn 't they want to tell them what had happened ? They did see our attackers . At length Max spoke . " All right . We 'll bring him back to the lot . Bryson can decide from there what to do with him . If he makes it that long . " I felt myself being lifted from the ground . My limbs hung limply as we ran through the back alleys . It felt almost like I was flying . I could feel the wind against my face but the rest of my body was numb . I fought as hard as I could to not loose consciousness but some time into our flight I slipped into a dark void . I slowly became aware that I was at rest again and lying on something soft . My mind began to replay the events that had occurred and I was instantly petrified . I couldn 't seem to work my eyes so I just listened to a conversation that was taking place next to me . " Well , I did Bryson , so let 's just deal with it . Okay ? Can we do it ? " Said the now - familiar voice of Max . " He 's not really in any condition to make such a decision . He begged me to save him in the alley . You weren 't there . You didn 't see his eyes . Ask Jen , she was there . " There was a small pause and I wondered if she was there . I remembered her beautiful face and it brought some life back to me . " He did ask to be saved . And his eyes , they were wonderful . " " Oh Christ , don 't tell me , " Bryson started . He stopped abruptly and I heard movement and then felt as though everyone was staring at me . " Well , he 's awake now , why don 't we see which path he chooses when he knows the truth . " " Tyler , can you open your eyes ? I know you 're in pain right now but you have to try and open your eyes so that we can talk to you . " Max said . I swallowed hard and only half realized that he knew my name without me telling him . I don 't remember telling him anyway . I took a deep breath , as deep as I could with the pain in my neck , and let it out slowly . I struggled to open my eyes but the pain was quick to stop me . " Just relax . Let them fall open . Relax your entire body and let your eyelids fall open . " Someone coached . I never heard of eyelids falling open . Falling closed , maybe , but falling open ? " Just trust me , relax everything , and let them open . " He continued . I tried to relax myself but the panicky feeling began to grow . I had no idea where I was . I had no idea who these people were . I had no idea if I was going to live . And I had no idea what happened to my parents . " This won 't work if you don 't trust us . Open your damned eyes so that we can talk , or you will die . " Bryson commanded . My eyes surprisingly sprung open in fear of what he had said . It was almost automatic , I didn 't even think about it . I looked around the small room and saw four people . Max and Jenna , who I had seen before , where standing on either side of the bed that I was lying on . Bryson , who I was seeing for the first time , was standing at the foot of the bed , staring down at me . With the conversation I had heard so far , it seems that he is in charge . He didn 't look much older than me . He had a small patch of brown hair on his chin that wasn 't quite a goatee but it didn 't really make him look older . His hands were crossed in front of him and there was a smirk on his face . The fourth person was sitting in a wheelchair in the corner of the room . " All right , that 's better . All your questions will be answered , don 't worry about that . There is something you need to know before we get into things though . Do you think you can stay with us for a while , or do we have to tape your eyes open ? " Bryson , asked . I don 't know what I felt at that moment . The agony and pain and despair all mixed together . I felt a few tears fall from my eyes . " You 'll have time to grieve later . I don 't mean to sound callous , but we have some things to tell you . " Bryson said . He paused and after a moment I caught his gaze but said nothing so he continued . " You must listen carefully because you don 't have long to live . You 've been poisoned . We were able to slow it down , but you will die , one way or the other . " " Just listen ! " He interrupted . " Do you remember what happened to you in the alley ? " I nodded and we went on . " The men who attacked you were vampires . I know that is hard for you to believe and I hear your mind questioning it all ready but please , let me continue and then you can make your decision as to what is real and what is not . Think of the events logically and you will see that what I say is truth . They had great strength , excessive speed , glowing eyes , they sucked blood from your neck . It should all add up . " The one who bit you stopped drinking before your heart was drained . He was going to leave you to suffer there in the alley . A vampire 's bite is lethal though , even if he doesn 't fully kill you right off . There is nothing we can do to save your life . Your choice is to simply die , or to become one of us . " He stopped there and let his words sink it . It wasn 't something that was easily believed . I can admit that everything that happened in the alley was a bit strange , but vampires ? " Having trouble accepting it ? " He asked . I looked around the room again not able to accept what I was being told . " So what are you guys , a ' Lost Boys ' sequel or something ? Going around fighting vampires ? " I asked . My pun of the movie wasn 't taken as lightly as I 'd hoped . " Not exactly , " Max said . " We 're vampires also . The only refuge we can offer you is to become one of us , like Bryson said . " Become one of them ? Become a vampire ? They 're all vampires ? I felt my body begin to shake and my anxiety level rapidly increased . I wanted to jump off the bed and run away but I had no use of my limbs . A fearful look grew on my face and I clenched my teeth so that I wouldn 't scream . " Go ahead , scream , it 's only natural to be scared . But realize that if you 're scared , you believe what I 'm telling you . Also realize that if we wanted you dead , we would have left you on the sidewalk . " Bryson added . " Try and relax , Tyler . We were able to slow the effects of the poison but it won 't last as long if your adrenaline is up . " The boy in the wheelchair said . " You 're were drained of a lot of blood . Doc made it so that you can still think and talk , but the rest of your body is pretty much useless . " Max answered . " Tyler , " Jen began . She reached out and grabbed my hand but I couldn 't feel it . I was disappointed that I couldn 't feel her touch . It may have brought me some peace . " You have to make a decision . You have to decide if you still want to exist . It 's not like what you read in those books , not entirely anyway . It can be better than that . It 's not so bad an existence if you spend it with friends . " " All right , " Bryson started . " I 'm gonna be the straight shooter here kid . You 're parents are dead and you 'll be right behind them if you don 't make this choice . It 's not an easy one , I know , but it 's the hand you 've been dealt . Do you want to continue on as one of us , or do you want us to let you die . " He let his question hang in suspense for a moment before adding , " Doc , how much time ? " I didn 't answer right away . I closed my eyes and let them rest for a minute . My struggle to keep them open was truly painful . Everything was quiet . No one else spoke but I could feel all eyes on me . I felt the throb in my neck pulsing ever weaker . It was so hard to concentrate . I tried to think about everything that had happened but it was so confusing . I pried my eyes back open and looked around the room . The one kid still sat in his wheel chair in the corner of the room . He caught my glance and looked down to his watch , then back to me with a concerned look . Max 's look was unreadable . Bryson stood with his arms crossed and looked almost annoyed at me being here , like I asked for it . Then I turned to Jenna and she smiled down at me . What a beautiful smile . I turned my gaze to my feet and let things turn in my head a little longer . That was really enough for me . I 'm not sure what made me do it but I came to the conclusion that revenge would be my purpose for survival . It may not be healthy to exist for the sole purpose of vengeance , but that 's what I would do . I made a vow to avenge my family . I decided then that I would join this group . For better or worse I suppose . As these thoughts crossed my mind I caught mixed looks from this group . " It 'll be explained later , you have to be sure though . This is nothing that can be reversed . Your life will be over . A lot of the things you 've heard about vampires are true . You 'll have to accept it all in order to continue . I can 't stress enough how serious this is . " " I understand . I 'd like to do this . I want to . " I stated . I coughed and an immense pain came over me . I winced for a moment as the soreness receded and did my best to focus . I felt woozy all the sudden and started to see black spots . It dawned on me that I was dying . A sense of anxiety rushed though me and my sense of survival kicked in . " Please , I don 't want to die , please help me . " His words were confusing but I had no time to contemplate them . I began to feel extremely tired . My body was numb now , the only thing I had control over were my eyes . Max took position over my body and peered down at me . He grabbed onto my head and turned it to the side . I used my peripheral vision to watch his next movements . He was unsure . I could see it in his eyes . It wouldn 't do me any good to tell him again that I wanted him to do it . He needed only to make his own choice . My life was in his hands . He was the sole being that controlled whether or not I continued my existence . I felt a sharp pain come from my chest and moaned in agony . I used the last of my strength to gaze up at him . I blinked once to try to give him one last sign of my desire . I saw him when he made his decision . It seemed almost as if it pained him to do so but I could tell he was going to do it . He reared back his head and I saw his fangs . They grew down from his gums , they looked so sharp . He stared down at me one last time and I saw his eyes glow a beautiful golden color . He struck so fast I didn 't have time to react . I knew I had asked for it but that didn 't make the pain any less . I heard him tear into my neck and slurp out the blood from my artery . The sound was similar to when you get to the bottom of a glass and keep sucking out of the straw hoping to get more to drink . The only thing that saved me from the excruciating pain was that most of my body was already numb . I felt my eyes clouding over and I began to lose the fight to keep them open . A black ring slowly encircled the outside of my eye . It began to grow until I completely blacked out . The last thing I remember thinking was , what if . What if we had never come on this trip ? What if my dad hadn 't beaten the competition and we had no reason to celebrate ? What if we had picked a different restaurant ? What if I hadn 't stared at them ? What if I was supposed to have died along with my parents ? What if this was all wrong ? What if I never wake up ? What if Max screws up and I die anyway ? What if I do wake up and can 't find the ones that did this ? What if I kill them ? What if ? Too late now I guess . Only time will tell what happens to me next .

" She 's fine , Janet . " Major Sam Carter reassured her friend as soon as she saw her walking towards them . The diminutive doctor gave a visible sigh of relief before smiling and then casting a professional eye over them both . " She 's OK , though ? She 's coping with the whole . . . ? " A vague wave of the hand conveyed the words Janet was both reluctant and unsure how to say . These days , Janet reminded herself a lot that she wasn 't the only one with a snake in the family . Janet realised she hadn 't received a reply to her question . Sam was looking decidedly nervous , and Colonel O ' Neill was keeping very quiet . Too quiet . " She 's OK , Doc . But it 's been a rough couple of days . For all of us . " Although Sam didn 't see the concerned glance the Colonel gave her as he said this , Janet did . Trying to reassure herself that her daughter must be fine , or else Sam wouldn 't have left her alone , she began to concentrate on the day to day of post - mission check - ups . Fifty minutes and two clean bills of health later ( although they could use a good rest , Sam in particular ) , Janet grabbed herself a fresh cup of coffee and sat down to read her letter . Glancing briefly down the pages , she smiled to herself . Some things would never change , Cassie 's untidy handwriting being one of them . Switching on the desk lamp to help her decipher what could very easily pass for hieroglyphs , she got comfortable . Judging by the sheaf of papers in her hands she was going to be there for a while . Sorry I haven 't been in touch before now . I 've been meaning to for the past few months , but it 's been kind of … awkward . Don 't get me wrong , I 've been made very welcome here . But relations between the Tau ' ri and the Tok ' ra are still not great and it 's been hard to keep a balance between me and my symbiote , between the past and the present . Believe it or not , the Tok ' ra I now share my life with has become a really good friend . Her name is Aine , but I call her Hon . More about that later . Anyway , back to the reason I 'm writing this now . Life has been kind of interesting lately , and I 'm still trying to get my head round what happened . And it 's hard enough to get your head round something if there 's only one of you in said head . Does that make sense ? I guess not , but a lot of the thoughts and feelings are just spinning round and round in my brain , in our brain , and it 's so hard to find the words to describe them . Sam has probably told you about the mission specifics by now , that it was a basic meet and greet on a planet we discovered about six months ago . The people there were just beginning to discover the possibilities of the Stargate , and they were delighted to learn that they had only really scratched the surface of what it was capable of . Of what they were capable of . It was my first time visiting the planet , and emerging from the gate , I was immediately struck by how beautiful it was . All the colours of the rainbow merged in the flowers that covered the ground , still in bloom despite the cool Fall weather . The people were friendly , to each other as well as ourselves , and they appeared prosperous . Keen to trade in their technologies and ours , we met with scientific researchers , teachers , farmers , people in business . We learned a little of their ways and they began to learn about ours . Most of them were accepting about the way the Tok ' ra co - exist with symbiote and host but some … " Hello , Cassandra . " And he nodded , as if something had been decided . This was starting to get creepy , she thought , but before she could say more he was gone . Just like that . I remember shrugging my shoulders and walking away . Someone was waving to me across the market square , and I made my way over to where Terina was standing , talking to one of the local women whose name I can 't remember . You 'd like Terina , Mom . She 's been assigned to be my mentor and guide to all things Tok ' ra ( Snake 101 as Jack would call it ) and she 's really helped me understand the mental and physical changes that have been happening to me . You 'd think after everything that 's happened to me that I 'd be used to paranormal abilities , increased strength . It 's not unlike before , after the whole Hok ' tar stuff happened . I wish I could describe it properly for you , I wish you could know what it 's like . Well , sometimes I do . But only to understand me better , understand us better . Most of the time I 'm really glad that you didn 't have to experience this , that I was there . Because it 's been incredible . Don 't get me wrong , I know where I 'm from . I know that I wasn 't born on Earth to human parents . I know that I 'm an alien , an ET ! But I spent the last seven years or so trying to be " normal " . I wanted more than anything else to be like everyone else . Deep down , I knew that being different was special , it wasn 't necessarily a bad thing . But my special - ness , what made me different from everyone else was something so secret that I couldn 't share it . And sometimes , that made it seem like a bad thing . These days , I 'm so grateful for the opportunity I 've been given , this chance to use what makes me different to make sure that the Earth stays the same . Safe , and oblivious ( for the most part ) to the threat from beyond our planet . And who knows , one day we could be sharing technology , helping to eliminate illness and disease . Plague . I 've never felt more human than I do now , which amuses Hon no end . Actually , most of what I think and do amuses her . I can feel her rolling her eyes a lot … " Man , that echoed ! " Terina grabbed her arm , and began dragging her towards the main eating hall . Linking her arm through her friend 's , Cassie let the momentum carry her along . Ten minutes later , they were sitting down at one of the smaller tables , with several portions of food in front of them . " That 's another thing I like about here , it 's nice to have a … family , know what I mean ? " Terina 's voice was soft , and her eyes grew distant . When they 'd first met , they 'd exchanged brief details about their pasts , but Cassie still knew little about her new friend . Again , Cassie nodded . " I know exactly what you mean . Meal times here are such a social occasion , there 's always someone about to talk to , to ask questions . " " I heard that the elders work this place in shifts , so that there 's one of them ' on duty ' all the time . Our lifestyle is somewhat erratic at best , and this is the best way of getting us all together . But we 're not supposed to have figured that out . " She winked and sat back down , grabbing a chunk of bread from one of the plates . " Well I don 't care what the ulterior motives are , I just like the way I 'm able to ask people stuff . I 've learned more about the customs and rules of Tok ' ra society in this room than I have in any of the classrooms . And I don 't feel as stupid asking things here . " " You 're not stupid , girl . You just look at things differently . More human than the rest of us . Not that that 's a bad thing . And yes , " she continued , cutting off Cassie 's protest before it began , " I know you 're not actually human yadda yadda … " It 's been three days since I last wrote , Mom . I 'm sorry it 's taking so long , but there are still a couple of days before Jack and Sam will be heading back , so I guess there 's no desperate rush . Sam 's looking a lot better today , but I 'm still worried about her . She 's been through a lot , and I know I don 't have to ask you this , but keep an eye on her for me , okay ? Despite everything , I 'm glad she was here . But I 'm getting ahead of myself … It was later on that night that the revelation came . I 'd been poring over the old manuscripts we 'd borrowed from the librarian , looking for anything that might be of interest . It was standard procedure when cataloguing a newly - discovered planet or race , having learned long ago that the past can sometimes be more relevant than the present , especially when looking for Goa ' uld activity . At first , I wrote it off as an error , more likely to be a mistake on my part than on theirs . After all , if they 'd only discovered how the Stargate operated in the last nine months , how was it possible that strangers arrived , with only a minor mention . Considering the fuss that had been made over us , it didn 't make sense , especially as the only other way folks could have gotten there would have been by ship . But after some more careful checking , it really seemed that people had arrived on the planet , people who had not been born there . And , although it didn 't necessarily mean that they were Goa ' uld or bad guys in any way , it still sparked my curiosity . It was dark by the time she arrived back at the planet , and the eerily glowing torchlight did nothing to alleviate the growing unease Cassandra felt . The Tok ' ra High Council had agreed with her assessment , and asked her to return and investigate this mysterious family further . And , despite asking for Terina 's assistance , she was on her own . As she was finding more and more , the ever - diminishing members of the Tok ' ra were spread thinner and thinner every day . Anubis ' arm was long and his forces were getting bolder in their incursions . When she thought about it , which she tried not to because it frightened her and she didn 't want to admit that , it made sense for him to target the Tok ' ra . There were few System Lords left alive or strong enough to challenge him and his ever - increasing army . The Tok ' ra were an obvious threat , as were the Tau ' ri . Ever since she had been a little girl , Cassie had had a kind of sixth sense . It didn 't happen often , but there had been a few times when she 'd known , she 'd just known that something was going to happen . The day the river had flooded and the village had fled to the hills . The day her brother and sister had been born . The day her entire community had been destroyed . The day she found a new family . The day her mother had almost died … She made her way swiftly to the main lodging house in the village , and within ten minutes was sitting beside a roaring fire and hugging a mug of tea . Charlan , the owner of the establishment and unofficial village leader , was intrigued to know why her new friend had returned so quickly and alone . After brushing aside Cassie 's request for accommodation with a nod and a roll of the eyes , she got comfortable and waited for the young girl to speak . After hearing only a few words , Charlan leapt to her feet , motioning for Cassie to stop . Walking quickly to the open door of the room she glanced up and down the corridor outside before closing it firmly and returning to her chair . The older woman smiled briefly at the apparent confusion on Cassie 's face , before becoming serious . I shrugged , told him to call me Cassie . I was trying to remain cool but there was a real atmosphere in the room , and I couldn 't shake the feeling that something was going to happen . Or maybe it already had . Feeling slightly uncomfortable discussing science with him , after all , this was Hon 's area of expertise and not mine , I gathered my scattered thoughts and began explaining that I was looking over old schematics I 'd found in the village archives . From the preliminary research , I 'd thought they were something to do with a primary power source , but it was difficult to tell as the plans were so faded with time . To be honest , this " research " was nothing more than a cover story anyway , just a reason to return to the village to investigate what I was really interested in . Indignant , I made my way over to where he sat , and glared at the sheet of paper . For a full five minutes . ' Til I realised he was right . " Well I 've seen , and been in both . " She had to resist the urge to stick out her tongue . " And we call flying vessels " ships " as well sometimes . " " Hey , what 's so funny ? " He grabbed her arms , as if to tickle her but as she squirmed out of his grasp he pulled her closer . Face to face , nose to nose , mouth to … Honestly , sometimes she 's worse than you . I mean , I knew what having a symbiote was like . I talked to Sam , and to Teal ' c . And to Jack . You didn 't know that , did you , Mom ? I think I 'm maybe the only person he 's ever really spoken to about it , and to be honest , he doesn 't remember much . Any vague memories are clouded by the dark days that followed . He did try though . Sam was a lot more help . She spoke of the communion between symbiote and host , the sensations , the physical differences I would experience . She tried to explain the emotions I would feel , both my own and the symbiote 's . But nothing can prepare you for it . I still don 't know much about her . I know that must sound stupid , given that we share a body , a brain , memories , thoughts . But I don 't really know who she is . For the first few weeks she kept a pretty low profile , giving me time to adjust . The days after the blending were frantic , both of us coming to terms with the losses we 'd faced and almost faced . Both of us grieving in our own way , individually but irrevocably together . The first conversation we had lasted about two days . We talked about anything and everything , but we 're still a long way from being totally blended and in sync with each other . I like her a lot though . She 's kind and gentle and very clever . And she 's wise too , sensible . She feels like an older sister to me , someone I can talk to and trust . That 's been so important to me recently , knowing there 's someone with me that I can rely on to be honest . She can 't possibly lie to me , or me to her , and so we have this amazing sense of trust . Although I don 't regret this choice that I made , it 's been hard at times because I 've missed you guys so much . I 've had to make new friends , but making a new family … That 's not easily or lightly done . But Terina and Hon have helped ease the ache a lot , and I hope I 've been able to do the same for them . Like I said before , her name is Aine , but I call her Hon . I think it 's a habit I picked up from you , I used to call a lot of people " hon " or " honey " . It suits her though , it makes it easier to deal with , makes her more … human ? And it keeps you close somehow , Mom . Cassie shrugged . " I 'm getting used to it . And I 'm glad you 're here , Hon . Wouldn 't be the same without you . " We spent the next few hours going over the plans , and it occurred to me that these could probably be modified for the Prometheus . That 's why I involved Sam , Mom . I kinda wish I hadn 't now , maybe things would have turned out different . But maybe they would have turned out the same eventually , or maybe they would have been a lot worse . I guess my natural instinct was to look at ways to use the technology in conjunction with something I was already familiar with , and that 's why I contacted the SGC . Hon didn 't object either , she 's one of Jacob 's biggest supporters and appreciates the need for our two races to work together . And then it happened , just as he was leaving . The clock had nearly reached 3am , we 'd been talking for hours and it was only when the fire died that we realised just how late it actually was . He 'd offered to stay over , as it was obvious Charlan wasn 't going to be returning that night . The offer seemed genuinely meant , but given our " near miss " of earlier , I quietly ( and Hon very very loudly inside my head ) told him that there was no need . Together , we built the fire back up again , before finding some bedding for me . Even though Charlan had agreed that I could stay , she hadn 't told me which room I could use , and I wasn 't sure if there were any other guests here . The living room definitely seemed like the best option , and it would mean that I would catch Charlan the minute she returned , hopefully early in the morning . The cupboard in the hall had plenty of furs , blankets and pillows which would make a perfectly good bed on the stone floor . After a great deal of blanket fluffing and pillow arranging on Mirdir 's part , as I stood bemusedly watching from one side , he finally declared that the bed was comfortable enough for me to sleep in . Resisting the urge to roll my eyes , I thanked him . And then there was that awkward , " So , I 'll be leaving now , " kinda moment . Which lasted for about ten minutes . And then , as he was finally leaving … Someone kissed someone . So not going into any more detail , Mom . I can 't believe I told you this much , but it 's not as if I 'm within grounding distance . Anyway , all we did was kiss , even if he did stay with me until the daylight began filtering through the windows . And as he left for real , I realised that I was well and truly , head over heels in love with him . The next morning passed quickly . Charlan returned , bustling with maternal pride and joy . After briefly scolding Cassie for not using one of the empty rooms instead of sleeping in the living room , she collapsed exhausted on one of the large chairs . " Well , whenever a child is born , we wait until the next moon before naming them . It gives us a chance to get to know them , to see a little of their character and personality before choosing a name that will remain with them for the rest of their lives . The entire village gathers together on the first night of the new moon , and votes are cast . " " Votes ? The entire village chooses their name ? " Although this was a completely foreign idea to her , Cassie could see the logic behind it . She rather liked it . " No - one knows whose names are whose . That way feelings aren 't hurt and it removed bias . " Charlan stood up . " And now the culture lesson is over , perhaps you would like breakfast ? " As they walked back from visiting her daughter and the new baby , they passed a cottage . It was a bit ramshackle , and set apart from the other houses in the village . Charlan grabbed Cassie 's arm , and she jumped . " Not what , Cassie . Who . " Wyian " is a word in the language of our ancestors , it means strangers … The family we were discussing last night before my child very inconsiderately decided to give birth four days early . " " It was about twenty years ago . I remember being woken up in the middle of the night by a frantic knocking on the door . My husband went to answer , and then ushered in a man and a woman , the latter clutching a bundle close to her chest . They were soaked through , and after I 'd found them some clean and dry clothes I started making them something to eat . " " Once they were all comfortable , the man told their story . They had escaped from a prison on another world , a place where they had not been allowed to love each other or have a child together . They 'd decided to take their chances and had stolen a vehicle to help them get away . Neither my husband nor I pressed them for more specific details . They had honest , kind faces and we trusted them . The man explained that they had left friends behind in that prison , and that they planned to return and attempt to rescue them . " " Exactly . They were facing a dangerous situation . We were asked to look after the child , who they 'd named Mirdir , for a few days until they returned . They were desperate , and so we agreed to help them . " Both orphaned , both abandoned and alone . I had been lucky enough to find a new family , and I hoped he 'd had the same fortune . Distractedly , I realised that Charlan was still talking , and I tried to focus on her words . " … no room here at the time , so he was taken in by my sister . She loved him as her own , and even though she told him the truth when he was old enough to understand , he was a part of our family . Is a part of our family . " " They remained here only a few months before returning to their battle . Although their names were entered in our village records , it was decided not to encourage too many questions about them , and the child they left behind . Our village is very isolated , Cassie . We are a simple people . We care little for politics , we fear change , fear the unknown . As far as most of us were concerned there was no life ' out there ' , nothing beyond our world . If they had known aliens had visited us they would have been afraid , and they might not have accepted Mirdir . They accepted an abandoned child far easier , and if anyone had any misgivings they kept them to themselves . It is our way . " She shrugged . " But we 've been accepted ? Because the village elders discovered the Stargate for themselves , and had time to get used to the idea ? " Cassie tried to figure it out . After reporting back to the Tok ' ra High Council , I was instructed to proceed with caution with both lines of enquiry . Proceed with caution ? It was a bit late for that . Since I 'd woken up that morning I 'd known that I had fallen for Mirdir . Really , really fallen for him . We were kindred souls , brought together through time and space , and we belonged with each other . Besides , he was cute . But I did try . It was the next day before I saw him again , and although we were a little clumsy , dancing round each other , stealing glances at each other , I think we handled the situation with maturity . At least until Charlan left the room , and within seconds we were in each other 's arms again . Ahem . Anyway , after spending several hours going over the data from the historical schematics , it became clear that the science of it all was way beyond my capabilities , and even beyond Hon 's . She knew far more than I did about particles and propulsion and protons , but this was sophisticated technobabble , and , after giving it her best shot , we both called it quits . Mirdir was happy for me to invite SG - 1 , specifically Sam , to come and help with the analysis . He sounded genuinely keen to meet them , including you , Mom . But , of course , you didn 't come , it was just Sam and the Colonel . We 'd arranged a rendezvous point several miles outside the village and four miles east of the Stargate , so as not to alarm too many people . It was so good to see Sam again , she ran over and gave me a big hug as soon as Prometheus landed . The Colonel kind of held back , smiling at us in that way he has . I pounced on him as soon as Sam let me go . Something about him always makes me feel like a kid again . I remember how gentle he was around me , how safe he made me feel . How important it was to him that I had the chance to be a kid , that I got to run and play and have a dog . Charlan watched the ship landing with an expression of utter awe on her face . Mirdir tried to be cool , but I could tell he was pretty impressed . I 'd expected Colonel Ronson and his crew to be on board along with SG - 1 , but only Sam and Colonel O ' Neill emerged . Sam quickly explained that this mission was highly sensitive , and given she could ( and had ) handle the Prometheus on her own , Hammond had given the OK for just the two of them to come . Daniel and Teal ' c were working at the new Jaffa home world , but were available as backup if required . I introduced them to Charlan , and - very nervously - to Mirdir . I think Sam knew the moment she laid eyes on him . Not just how I felt about him , but who he was . As we walked back to the lodging house , she kept staring at him , and looking back at me with a concerned expression on her face . At the time I thought I was just being really obvious , which I was I guess . " It 's not impossible , it 's a fact . I could feel the naquada in him from metres away . How can you not feel it ? " " Sweetheart , I know this is hard for you to understand , for both of you , but you have to trust me on this . I 've learned over the years to trust the instincts Jolinar left with me . He has naquada in his blood , and that can only mean one thing . " Sam took a deep breath , but before she could say anything Cassie spoke . " Sam thinks Mirdir is a Goa ' uld . She can sense naquada in him . " " Sometimes , Carter , but not always . I can 't tell the difference between naquada and last night 's pizza most of the time , so I try and ignore it . Especially around you . " " Cassie , what 's wrong ? " He went quickly across the room to her , and gathered her up into his arms . And then froze at the sound of a zat gun being primed . " Put her down , please . We need to talk to you . " Sam 's voice was calm , her gestures non - threatening as she started backing away . Almost instantly , Mirdir realised his mistake . He let go of Cassie , and raised his hands . Cassie didn 't move away , but took his hand and stood close to him , despite Sam signalling for her to do the opposite . His sudden smile reassured her , and she led him to sit back down , taking up Jack 's position on the arm of the chair herself this time . The Colonel moved quickly to stand behind Sam , who had sank back down in her seat . All eyes were trained on the young man , waiting for him to speak , to give whatever explanation he could . He took a deep breath , and began . He told us that his parents had left him here as a child , on this safe planet , whilst they went back to fight in a war they could not win . He 'd been left with nothing , only the memories that Charlan and her husband could pass on to him , and as he grew up , he didn 't give that much thought to his erstwhile family . Until the day his father returned . He 'd been fishing in the stream that supplied the village , about five miles from home . A man had approached , an obvious stranger with an unusual bearing and curious clothing . He 'd explained that he was a traveller , and was looking for his long - lost son . Zahran . Zahran . He 'd recognised the word immediately . Charlan had told him that although his name was Mirdir , his parents , in the short time they had lived in the village , had called him Zahran . His mother had said it meant " beloved " . The rest of the day had been spent talking with his father , about everything and nothing . About how his mother had died bravely , and how a day hadn 't gone by that she hadn 't thought of her son , loved him and longed for the day when she would see him again . They 'd both shed tears as he talked about the day she 'd died . And then he began talking about his life now . He spoke of a far away world , a world he 'd been to and was returning to again . A people who 'd sought out answers , and had found him and his kind . A team who were fighting with them now in this war that had claimed so many lives . A people called the Tau ' ri . A team called SG - 1 . Mirdir shook his head . " My father was concerned about this also , but although I have this naquada you speak of in my blood , I have none of the powers or abilities of either Goa ' uld or Tok ' ra . He explained as much as he could to me , but I didn 't really understand all of it . It makes more sense now having met all of you . " " That 's a beautiful name , " said Cassie , smiling down at him . He gave her a sad smile back in response . She looked across the room , first to Sam and then to Jack . " So , he 's not a Goa ' uld . " " Good to know . Sorry about the whole zat thing . " The Colonel waved said weapon as he spoke , and then realised what he was doing and put it away in his belt hurriedly . " Dead ? Yeah , I knew that . " He said the words so matter - of - factly that it sent a chill down Cassie 's back , and she felt a renewed rush of sympathy for this young man who 'd lost almost everything . " I received word from one of his friends , someone called Anise . She came to visit me shortly after his death , told me what had happened and invited me to come back with her and join the Tok ' ra . Obviously I said no . " " Because this was my home , and because I didn 't want to join a fight that I knew or cared little about . My life here is peaceful , and I want it to remain so . It was not a cowardly decision . " He said the last part defiantly , as if challenging anyone to disagree with him . Later on that afternoon , Sam very excitedly confirmed Mirdir 's findings , namely that these plans were for a power module that could be adapted to work alongside Prometheus ' shields and weapons . She was keen to head back to the ship that night and begin configuring the necessary systems , but Colonel O ' Neill overruled , and they enjoyed a huge meal courtesy of Charlan . And , although there were a few awkward silences , Cassie began to relax after the stress of the past few days . She couldn 't help but notice the concerned glances her two friends kept throwing each other , but tried to shrug them off . She almost succeeded . As darkness descended , Mirdir rose to leave . Cassie walked him to the door , trying not too feel like an awkward teenager ( even though she was ) , and ignored the smirk on Jack 's face . She did make sure the door to the room was firmly closed behind her , and tried to contain her giggles as Mirdir grabbed her hand and began skulking down the corridor to the front door . As they stood outside under the slowly - appearing stars , his other hand came up to take her free one , and he kissed her gently . " That was necessary too … love " It was his turn to beam , and he pulled her even closer . But , too soon , he had to leave . With a promise to come by early the next morning to accompany them all to the Prometheus , he walked away and was swallowed up by the evening shadows . Silence , broken only by a floorboard creaking . Cassie could picture the Colonel rocking back and forth on his toes , the way he did when he was nervous . Nervous ? The next morning we were up before the sun to make an early start on the modifications to the Prometheus . Mirdir arrived as we were finishing breakfast , and we headed off shortly after . It took us about an hour to reach where the ship was hidden , walking through golden fields and green woods . The Colonel , somewhat predictably , complained about the trees , but he was ignored by the rest of us so he gave up . We got to work as soon as we got there , Sam and Mirdir heading straight to start working in the engine room to build the power generator and incorporate it into the ship 's engines . The Colonel and I were in the control room , carrying out their instructions every so often to test this and push that . He had some paper and a pen , so we ended up playing noughts and crosses , hangman and the like in between times . I won . I don 't think I 've ever seen anyone as excited as Mirdir was . He was sitting in the left hand command seat , and gripping the arms so hard his knuckles were turning white . When we took off , his eyes grew wide with absolute delight , he looked just like a little kid , twisting round in the seat to grin at me . Anyway , now we 're getting to the part of the story that I don 't want to tell , Mom . The part that I want to forget ever happened . But that would mean forgetting the other stuff , the good stuff and I don 't want to do that either . Writing it all down has helped , although I 've been crying as I 've been writing for most of it . Sam 's here , though , beside me , as I write this part . I don 't want to be alone . Although I am now , more than ever . After about twenty minutes , she radioed Colonel O ' Neill to say that they could stop now , that she had all the results she needed . No response . She tried again , a couple of times , but still nothing . Thinking that it might be the power generator that was perhaps interfering with the communications , she asked me to go down and tell them we were done . I was glad to , glad to finally be doing something other than watching . At first I thought he was dead . He was lying so still , the only thing moving was the trickle of blood running down from forehead to chin to floor . Screaming his name , I ran over and knelt down beside him , desperately feeling his chest for any kind of movement , grabbing at his wrist for a pulse . . . something , anything . There was a pulse , faint and wobbly , but it was there . Struggling not to cry , I wiped the blood away , only for more to follow in its path . I didn 't know whether to move him or not , but then Hon took over and I gratefully let her take charge . She tried to call Sam on my radio , but got only static and she flung it at the wall in disgust . Using all of our combined strength , she managed to turn him over , into the recovery position . There was so much blood , Mom , it was horrible . He was breathing more audibly now , but his face was grey . " We will return soon . Do not stop breathing . Promise me . " I could hear the tears in her voice too , despite the short time she had known him , I think she loved him at least as much as I did . Before she stood up , she pushed me to the front , to let me say something . I reached the engine room moments later , but the doors were shut . I pounded on them , screaming for Mirdir to come , to open them . Kicking them in frustration made no difference , but I wouldn 't stop . And then his voice came , weak although it sounded close by on the other side . He said to get Sam , to get help and come back down here . He kept repeating over and over … Get Sam , get Sam . I was frightened to leave him , but Hon once again took care of the decision for me , and began running again , this time in the direction I 'd come . A quick check told us Jack was still breathing , although his colour remained the same , and then running again through the maze of corridors . Eventually I managed to get the words out , that something was wrong and the Colonel and Mirdir were both badly injured . She reacted just like the soldier she was , grabbing her Zat her jacket and leading the way towards the engine room . It was only when we reached Colonel O ' Neill that she betrayed any emotion , checking his vital signs professionally before gently placing her jacket over him . Her hand lingered for just a moment as she felt his forehead , and her eyes were wide as she beckoned me to follow her to find Mirdir . We reached the doors , which were still closed , and began hammering on them as I had done before . After a moment , his voice could be heard again , asking if Sam was there . When she shouted back that she was , the doors opened , and suddenly he was standing in front of us . " What 's going on here ? What happened to the Colonel ? " Sam was raising the zat gun as she spoke , distrusting the intense look in Mirdir 's eyes . " You hurt him ? What did you do ? " Cassie looked in shock at Sam , the words barely heard over the pounding of her heart . But Sam wasn 't listening , she was totally focussed on the young man in front of her , who was edging closer and closer . " You know who I am , Samantha . I 'm your son . " He threw the words in her face , and before she had a chance to react the zat flew out of her hands and skittered away down the corridor . " Superior strength . . . agility . . . insight . And some telekinetic skills , although I need to work on them a bit . " With those words Cassie flew up in the air and was dashed against the ceiling , before falling limply to the floor . As he spoke those words , he began raising her up off the floor , and spinning her round and round in the air . She tried to answer him , to explain , but she was unable to speak . Suddenly he let her go , and she crashed against the corridor wall , then again into the one opposite before landing on the floor with a loud thump . She didn 't get back up . " She didn 't kill them , Mirdir . Jolinar was so badly hurt by the Ashrak that she couldn 't heal herself . She gave her life to save Sam , because she didn 't want her to die as well . " " It 's true . And your father , Martouf ? He was brainwashed by the Goa ' uld and tried to kill many people . When he was discovered he tried to kill himself , to self destruct and he begged Sam to shoot him before he did . He died in her arms , with her tears rolling down his face . " " I 'm sorry , Cassie . I just don 't believe you . I 've heard what happened from someone who was actually there . I know you 're trying to protect your friend , but she is a murderer and doesn 't deserve your loyalty . " " I 'm sorry , Cassie , " he said again . " I don 't want to hurt you , but this is the only way . She has to pay for what she 's done . " When she came to , she was alone in the corridor . Wearily picking herself up , she started back towards the control room , jumping at every sound and movement she imagined she saw along the way . The Colonel was no longer in the place where they 'd found him , the only testament to his having been there a pool of dark red on the floor . Trying not to think about what his fate had been , she continued on . Quietly approaching the control room , she looked in to see an unconscious Sam once again suspended in the air whilst Mirdir frantically pushed buttons and pulled levers on the control panels . Looking round to see if there was anything she could use as a weapon , she took a step too close to the door sensors and they began to shut with a hiss . Mirdir turned immediately , and she felt herself flying over to join Sam . " Time to stop you son of a bitch ! " Jack shouted from the doorway , as he fired a zat gun at Mirdir . The second shot hit the target and the young man crumpled to the floor . Whatever force was suspending Sam and Cassie in the air dispersed and they drifted down more gently this time . " Not really , Cass . But I will be . " There was a look in her eyes that Cassie had never seen before , a mixture of self - recrimination and fear . As Jack walked gingerly over to them both , swaying slightly , the computer 's voice spoke again . With Cassie helping her , Sam made her way over to the control panel , and began cancelling the auto - destruct sequence . Jack was standing close behind them , his hands rubbing the back of his head where he 'd been injured . Within moments the sequence was aborted , and all three breathed a sigh of relief . Until they turned round and saw that Mirdir was gone . Slumping down on one of the flight chairs as she was overcome with utter weariness , Cassie tried to take in everything that had just happened . The Colonel was discussing going after Mirdir with Sam , who was trying to dissuade him on account of the amount of blood he had already lost , and was still losing . Looking past them , Cassie suddenly saw that the ship was a lot nearer the ground than it should be . And was getting nearer , and nearer … Cassie kept counting down in her head , but reached zero twice before the impact actually hit . And when it did all three were flung into the centre of the room . All was noise and shaking and rattling for what seemed like hours , and then there was utter silence . " We need to go find him , Cassie . And then we need to talk to him and try and find out more about him . " Sam began walking out of the control room , with Jack and then Cassie following behind . They found him lying on the ground , flung several feet away from the steps leading up to the Gate . His neck had been broken , and one of his legs lay at an awkward angle . Cassie knelt down by his side and gently closed his eyes , before breaking down and crying hysterically . Jack lifted her up , and supporting her and Sam , started them off on the long walk back to the village . I 've spent the last couple of days trying to get it all straight in my head . Why did Mirdir think Sam was responsible for Jolinar 's death , and for Martouf 's ? Why did he decide to exact such a terrible revenge ? And did he even love me at all , or was it all just an act ? He obviously knew who I was from the start , he acted so familiar . He said someone had told him all about Sam , I wonder if it could have been Anise . I asked Sam about that , and she simply clenched her teeth and said to let it go . I suspect she has her own plans for dealing with that . I just wish I had a plan for dealing with it all . Hon is being very philosophical about it all . She says it 's better that he was stopped , because he could have sold us all out to the Goa ' uld . He could have been planning to crash the ship into the village . And I understand how she feels , I really do . I just wish that I 'd realised , I 'd figured it out with no - one having to get hurt . Especially him . Sam 's feeling a lot better now , they 're heading back to Earth today . Actually , all they 're waiting for is me finishing this . So , I guess I should start saying goodbye . I wish you were here , Mom . I wish you could come and make me hot chocolate with marshmallows like you used to do when I had nightmares . I wish this was a nightmare I could wake up from . But , I 'm still here . I know that here is where I 'm meant to be , and that my being here does make a difference . And I 'm doing OK .

Oh , where do I start ? I love that my home is back to normal , laughing , wrestling , chasing … we are grown ups , we are allowed to run in the house now , just not with scissors . haha We have had laughs and conflicts that were quickly resolved with love and hugs . And a bit of excitement . I decided I wanted a job at a specific place … two weeks ago . So I went in on a Friday and got an application , filled it out and they said they would call me on Monday . They didn 't so I went up there . Turned out the manager took off that week , unexpectedly . They said she would be back the following Monday . So I went back the next Monday . She said she had just gotten back and they had a shipment she was dealing with and that she would look at my app and call me back on Tuesday . She didn 't call . So I went back on Wednesday . She lost my app and had me fill out another then took me in her office and interviewed me and I start next week ! Another day , my son in law came to me and said he and my son have decided that the reason we have a ghost in our house and we all got so sick was due to a curse that Nathan put on us . If you remember , Nathan was the stranger who walked into our house on New Years around 2 am and used our bathroom . He was a stranger and was promptly escorted out of the house with my son in law cussing at him and holding a gun . So now they are convinced Nathan has hexed our home . They do make me giggle a lot . As you all know , the last two weeks have been very trying with this house filled to the brim with sickness . The only sounds , for days , were coughs and vomiting . But things are back to normal now and I am so grateful . This week has been slow as we were all gaining our strength back . I did go out and get applications for employment from a dozen places or so . Some were hiring , some were not , but all say you can fill out an application and they will put them on file . Who knows if they really do , but I will give it a go . Really , I want to be a cashier . No quotas , no pressure sales , no keeping up with food orders , just cashiering . I need a part time job so I can keep writing my novel . Speaking of my novel . I am almost to the halfway mark . And I put off a scene for the last few days , due to the nature of the scene . The first day I tried to write it , I ended up putting finding a thousand other things that needed doing . You see , I bought the coolest fold up table and chair set from Spiderlegs . com and I will post a picture of them folded and one of them opened up . Anyway , The word procrastinate has a ' pro ' at the beginning for a reason . Seems I am one when it comes to procrastination . So , a couple hours ago I sat at my new table with my new chair to start writing . As I sat there I noticed the carpet could sure use some vacuuming , so I got up and started to put stuff from the floor to the bed . But then I thought , " I was sick for the last couple weeks , I really should wash my bedding . " So I stripped my bed and put it in the washer . While in the utility room I thought , " I should probably go ahead and wash my clothes while I am at it . " So I came back in the bedroom and into the closet to get the hamper . I took it to the utility room but came back to clean up the closet . I had packages in there I still need to mail for Christmas and they needed to be wrapped . So I wrapped them . And yes , I still need to mail them … again … PROcrastinator . Well after all that , I finally put stuff on the bed and vacuumed . After the floor looked so nice , I noticed the furniture needed dusting . So I dusted it and then I thought , " I need to take pictures of the table and chair , but I need to fold them first and take a pic like that . " But I couldn 't figure out how to do it . So I had to look for the directions . I found them and got it all folded and took pics and put them back together and took more pics and then I got my room put back together . Now I am plum wore out so I am resting and telling you all why I haven 't written yet . It 's because I am a pro . So , last night I decided the scene must be done , no matter how painful . One of my favorite child characters had to die . It was the hardest scene I have wNow as far as things getting back to normal . I decided I needed to make some gluten free pancakes at 11 : 30pm . So I was in the kitchen cooking when the kids wandered in , one by one . At one point , my son was trying to show us all something on his phone and my son in law came in with pigtails in his hair . He ended up chasing my son 's fiance around the island , them bumping me as I cooked and my daughter was singing How Much Is That Doggy in the Window to her dog , Cyanide . It made me smile to see things were back to normal in our home . I love these kids with all my heart . I had so much fun Monday night it was ridiculous . We will be going out again soon . One of my sweetest friends in the whole wide world called me Sunday night to see if I was free on Monday . He has scored some tickets to a Cirque du Soleil type show and wanted to take me . I said I was available and on Monday I sent him a text and asked him , " What are you wearing tonight ? " He called and asked , " What ? " So I said again , " What are you wearing ? " He said , " Lacey panties … . . what are YOU wearing ? " I laughed and he said , " Jeans and a tshirt . " haha So it was casual . He came and got me and we had a wonderful time . When we left , we walked to his apartment . He lives in the building I wanted to live in , back before I moved to Delaware . And I was right … it was perfect for me . I am so jealous . He has wall to wall canvases of his artwork . We discussed each piece . I would ask question after question . And I saw this one piece that was SO beautiful . I just fell in love with it . And he gave it to me . I will attach a picture of it . After we left his place , we walked across the street to his favorite bar , so he could get some matches . And as you walk through the bar , you see original artwork all over the walls . It 's a bar for artists ! It was amazing ! So I was carrying my piece of art and we were walking through old downtown and I saw the park and the beautiful Christmas lights . He asked if I would like to go for a walk through the park and he reached over and wove his fingers between mine . So we walked hand in hand looking at the beautiful lights . After that he brought me home and came in . He took off a shoe and sock and hung a sock on my door to freak out my kids . I am always telling them that if they see a sock on the door that means stay out because I will have a man in my room . He knew they would laugh . We have known each other for six years and as he puts it , I do not have the right equipment for his interests . My kids know this . So he laid on my bed and I showed him my own artwork . We talked about the books we are writing and the people we plan to go out with . Then he needed to go and he began to undress . I giggled and said , " oooooo What are we doing now ? " He said , I wanna freak out your kids again . So half undressed we walked out of my room and my daughter saw us and he said , " Damn , your mom is good . " And I said , " I almost have him batting for the other team . " She laughed and laughed and said , " You two are not right . " So he got dressed and hugged me and kissed me and told me he loves me . We will be doing this again soon and I can 't wait ! I also had a night with my son 's fiance . She has been a little stressed since she lost her mom , this past summer . And her sister is getting married this weekend and his fiance is the maid of honor . She is also filling in for their mom , doing all the things mom would normally be doing . So we had a night with just the two of us . He had hot wings and fries … totally blowing our healthy eating choices and put on Brothers Grimm . We didn 't really see much of the movie , as we were talking the whole time . She was so precious . She wouldn 't let anyone come in the room with us . My son in law came in and looked at the t . v . She glared at him and then he looked at her … She said , " It 's my night with Madre . Go away ! " He slowly eased out of the room . I giggled . She seemed a lot less stressed by the end of the evening and that really made me happy . I just love her so much . My daughter wanted an Elf on a Shelf , so I got her one . My son 's fiance detests them and says they are creepy . So my daughter would place the elf in areas where my son 's fiance would find them and freak out . My daughter always had the elf holding a sign that said DIE and a knife in his hands . I would see the elf all over the house and shake my head and smile . Every time my son 's fiance would find the elf , she would remove the knife and hide him . Then my daughter would search the house and find him and place him again . This went on for day and was very entertaining to watch . Christmas was amazing this year . I have been away from my children on Christmas morning for the last four years . I woke up to the sounds of the kids exciting announcing it was Christmas morning , outside my door . Then they came in and got me . When I got to the living room , the lights were on the tree , the presents in piles by person , Nat King Cole 's " The Christmas Song " playing on the big screen t . v . and my son had a place picked out , on the other side of him on the couch . I watched as the kids opened their presents from each other and me . It was so fun , my son 's fiance was in charge of everything . She would say when we could open a gift , because she wanted to watch everyones reaction and see what all they got , my son in law teased her about being bossy , my daughter was half asleep and my son was just so happy , he is much like me in these instances . My heart was so full , I thought it would burst . I got some wonderful gifts , but I would have been happy with just being there , in that moment . And the last thing I will be writing about for the week , my date . I went on a date this week . Not a friend date , but a real date . We have known each other since high school . Neither of us has really changed that much , just older really . We had a lot to talk about . He moved to LA a good 8 years ago and has made a name for himself as a voice actor . So he is familiar with websites , fans , podcasts , marketing and things of that nature . It was wonderful to pick his brain til two this morning . We went out to dinner and stayed til they closed , just getting caught up . Then we decided to go out for coffee . It was so cold out . No Starbucks were open after eleven . So we ended up in a Waffle house . Interesting thing happened . It seems I did rip one on our first date … that is … I ripped my one pair of jeans , right up the back . Luckily , I wore a brown suede vest over my grey top and favorite jeans , with brown boots . The vest hung mid calf which ended up being a life saver for me . One of the times we climbed back in the car , my jeans ripped up the back . My favorite , fifteen year old jeans ripped up the back of my ass . It was so funny . We both laughed and laughed and I told him … " See , never a dull moment with me . " He said , " Your life plays out like a sitcom . " I said , " You have no idea . " And we laughed some more . It was a lovely evening . And that is it for this week . As always , it 's been a good one . I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and have a happy new year . Well , this week I did a bad thing . A very bad thing . It was not intentional but that is no excuse . And as best as I can tell , everything is alright , but I still feel like the worst person to ever walk the face of the earth . My daughter and I were visiting some very lovely friends . I really do love these people so much . So there we were , a room full of pretty much adults and one precious little 6 year old girl who was sitting right next me . In my excitement to see everyone and the fact that I have not been around a small child around the holidays in probably 10 years or more , I did not have my child mind going . I was in my adult mindset . Someone said they wondered when Santa was born . My daughter looked it up on her phone and said 1773 . In my stupidity , I said , " I know where Santa is buried … Ireland . " They said , no he 's not . I said , " Yes he is . " Then you coulda heard a pin drop . They all looked at the sweet little girl sitting next to me . She said , " Santa 's not dead . " I said , " No , he 's not . I was just kidding . What did you ask him for this year ? " She said , " A Furby boom . " I asked what that was . She looked at me like I was moron and said , " You don 't now what a Furby boom is ? ! " The others explained that it is pretty much what the old Furby 's were . Then everyone went into the other room to work on the Christmas tree and left me alone with the girl . I asked her what did Santa bring her last year . She said , " I don 't remember but my Grandma gave me a cuddle buddy . " I asked what that was . Again , she looked at me like I was a moron and held her hand up like she was doing a sock puppet . She said , " It 's a puppet and a blanket . " Then she slowed her speech down to make sure I understood . She said , " A blanket , so you can cuddle , " And she did the hand again and said very slowly , " And a puppet … buddy . A cuddle buddy . " Then her eyes looked into mine and she raised an eyebrow waiting to see if I understood . I said , " Ohhh , I get it . A cuddle buddy . " She smiled . Then her eyes lit up and she said , " I remember what Santa got me last year ! " I asked what was that . She looked at me and thought for a minute and said , " It 's too hard to explain to you . Nevermind . " And we retreated to the rooMy daughter had a photoshoot to do , out at the park . She needed to be in some of the pictures though , so I volunteered to take a few for her . Mine need some serious work , but it got the done . I will post one of me and daughter from that day . It was fun . And one last thing . I found out that if you are going to have friends over , you have to warn everyone else in the house in advance . You don 't want to be sitting there in your pajamas , with cold cream on your face and watching tv when company comes over . The son in law forgot to warn people and it upset the house . The fiance ended up in my room , working on her blog . Later my daughter came back , too . The girls started working on my son 's Christmas present . My son kept trying to come in . The girls would scream at him to leave . He said he wanted his fiance to come watch a movie with him . Well , after several attempts to enter or get the fiance to come out , he came back again . This time he hollered through the door … " Are you coming ? " I yelled back , " No , she 's not screaming yet . " With that I got a loud groan and MOMMMMMM , from my son . But it made me laugh and he didn 't come back to bother her again . Oh yes , and my daughter did a photoshoot with me in my burgundy cape . After an hours of hair straightening , ( I will post a pic ) , push up bras , being turned , posed , poked and prodded , the pictures didn 't turn out very well . So I just took one with my phone and decided to try another photoshoot next week out in the woods . That should be different and maybe the lighting will be better . Well , this week has been interesting , to say the least . The week started out with me in the kitchen , doing dishes and my son 's fiance in the bathroom putting on her makeup . I can 't remember if the boys were home or not . I suppose it wouldn 't matter , as one is married to my daughter and the other has learned the art of looking away quickly if he sees more skin than clothes out of the corner of his eye . My daughter came traipsing through the house , clad in nothing more than her sweat pants and fuzzy socks , holding her bare breasts in her hands and yelling , " Anybody seen my bra ? " My son 's fiance came out of the bathroom and saw my daughter , then she looked at me and shook her head . I did the same and went back to doing the dishes , as she went back to doing her make up . I went to a museum with my son . He had to go to complete a project for college and asked me to come along . I used to take him when he was a kid . So many memories came flooding back , like being banned by his teacher from assisting with student field trips . I caused problems apparently . First , every time you go over rail road tracks in the school bus , we all had to be quiet and raise our hand . I thought that just applied to the kids . I didn 't know that I couldn 't keep talking to my friend , the stay at home dad . And at the museum , it was the first time we were ever exposed to Georgia O ' Keefe . I stood there , behind the kids , staring at a painting and thinking … that reminds me of something . I must have looked confused , because stay at home dad leaned over and whispered … I am having deja vu ' of exiting my mother 's womb and entering the world . That was it ! I giggled and we were scolded . Then we came to the next painting and I swear all I could see were lady parts from that point on and the little girl in me would not stop giggling . So , yes … banned . Anyway , long story short about the museum . I oooo 'd and awwwww 'd all over the museum , whisking my poor son from exhibit to exhibit . I would get an inch from the sculpture or painting and take pics . My son would whisper … mom , you 're too close , the guards are hovering . I would just smile and shoo him away . They never said anything to me directly . I would rename the work things like … OMG Where are his parts ? ( looked like it had been broken off ) or oooooo Creepy lady … or this one carving had a man holding a woman 's breast so I called it " well , okay then … " My son laughed a lot at the things I would point out or say or ask , like , is that naked person a man or a woman ? He would smile when I would gasp at beauty or point out small details that left me utterly speechless . It was an icy ride there , remnants from the ice storm , and an icy ride home . But so very very fun . Another time , I came in the kitchen and my daughter was standing there with her pajama shirt over her head and buttoning it up . I asked what she was doing . She said she was cold . That was weird so I took a pic . I will show you all . Another night , the girls were being silly in the hallway , my daughter in my son 's fiance 's lap , threatening to lick her face . She had her pinned . My son 's fiance was fighting her off and laughing so hard she cried . I got another pic . And lastly , I went on a friend date . I haven 't been out with someone of the opposite sex ( not in a relationship with ) … ever . I was so nervous . But the kids were just plain freaked out ! I told them I would be going to dinner with a friend I met playing an online game . I we have spent the last 6 months building this friendship . He lives with his girlfriend and said she was fine with us going to dinner . The kids were all … he 's not real … you met him online … he will kill you ! I tried to calm their fears . But my son , daughter and son in law were all worried about me . They kept saying , he will rape and murder you . So my son took my phone and put in his number , my daughter 's number and his fiance 's number to make sure I could call them all on speed dial . Then he would test me to make sure I knew which number was his and how to dial him using speed dial . My daughter came to me with a switchblade and make me practice opening and closing it and had me put it in my purse . The son in law was concerned because I don 't have my CHL anymore and therefore can 't carry a gun . I looked at my son 's fiance and said , " Well , at least you are aren 't worried I will get raped and murdered . What on earth is wrong with them ? " She said , " I don 't know . I don 't worry about you getting murdered . I worry that you will get kept in a dungeon forever . " I just shook my head . He showed up and the kids weren 't too obnoxious , no inquisition . We got in his car and we were only two houses down and my daughter was sending me a text . She sent a few more but then she calmed down a bit … I think . Dinner went well . Conversation was nice . And he brought me home . But I don 't think I am ready for friend dates . I need more time to heal , more time to spend with my kids and more time to learn me . And I am pretty sure this pleases my kids . They breathe easier now . I do have to admit , it is sweet how loved I feel by my kids . The worry about me , the same way I worry about them . And leaving you on a funny note , my son 't fiance lost her keys . This is a common occurrence and my daughter always helps her find them . But what made me laugh was my son . He hollered at his fiance , " Did you look in your bra ? I can check there for you . " I laughed so hard but they girls just ignored him . He said to me , " Yeah , I say that every time . She don 't pay any attention anymore . " The excitement this week has been sporadic . The kids are busy with school and work , so they are in and out quite a bit . And now we add Christmas into the mix , so busy , busy , busy . Emotions running high and low this time of year . I have gotten to have some wonderful conversations with each of them . I heard about school projects ( even asking my input . That always feels good ) , about upcoming dance recitals ( she is a trooper , even with all the pain , she still opted for a dance class ) , incredible new book ideas ( the new one the son in law has cooked up will be a best seller one day ) , input on books in the works ( the sons fiance is a very talented writer in her own right ) . The kids are amazing adults and I am so honored to be living here with them . Okay , so for excitement this week … First , I decided to walk to the library this week and put in an application for volunteering , in hopes of a job later . So I walked the 1 . 5 miles there . It was an interesting walk . I saw horses in pastures , beautiful homes with lovely holiday decorations , and a truck passed by with a trailer on the back . There was a horse in it that whinnied and me as it sped by . At the library , none of the people I needed to speak with were in that day . So , I opted to go look at books on the Cromwellian Conquest of Ireland . I needed some more information for my book . It turns out , those books are hard to find and had none of the information I needed . So , I headed back home . On the way home , I suddenly remembered I have fibromyalgia . It doesn 't flare up very often , so I tend to forget I even have it . But it sure flared up on the way home . The only way I can describe the pain I felt that day would be , someone placing flathead screwdrivers in between the ball of my hip and the socket and trying to pry them apart . I just kept placing one foot in front of the other until I made it home . I would later accompany my daughter to the store and make dinner while the girls got all the decorations out of the attic . They spent hours making our home beautifully festive . We even have snowman placemats on the table with snowman bowls and a wreath and snowman napkin holder with festive napkins inside . They even took the pot holders , hanging on the front of the oven off and replaced them with Christmas ones . I do find it disturbing though that Santa 's face is the cover for the lid of the toilet . Something all kinds of wrong with accidentally sitting if the lid is down . Seriously , sitting on Santa 's face … I suppose that would be one way to get something nice for Christmas … well or naughty … When I left the kitchen and headed to bed , I had to make my way through the kids as they sang that song from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas … Fah who for - aze ! Dah who dor - aze ! My son in laws head on my son 's shoulder , and the girls holding hands and daOne morning , I got up and my son 's fiance was in her living room with her laptop . I sat down and visited with her for a while . Then , my daughter came home from dance class and walked into the living room clad in her yoga pants and tshirt and announced to my son 's fiance … Another day , I walked down the hall to get some water in the kitchen . The girls were talking about sex shops . The fiance 's sister is getting married and the bachelorette party is this weekend , so I assume that is where this conversation started . But again , there are no boundaries or comfort zones in this house and I actually like it this way . They were talking about how uncomfortable some of the workers in sex shops can make you feel . My daughter was explaining how one worker came up to her and showed her a cock ring and said , " It goes on your lovers cock and it vibrates . " Then she changed her tone as if the memories of use were flooding her mind and in a lower , way too pleasurable tone she said , " I love this thing . It feels soooooooo goooooooood . " Both of the girls laughed so hard after my daughter finished telling the story and showing us how the lady spoke . Then the fiance was talking about the sex swing she saw in there and how the video was playing to show how to use it and she was a bit uncomfortable . I think it is interesting how there are no comfort zones in the house , but out in public , we are more reserved and definitely have our personal space . They also talked about seeing naked pics of Kate Moss . They said they were very tasteful and the ' important ' areas were covered . They talked about how beautiful she is and how women 's bodies are so much prettier than men 's , especially in photography ( my daughter is a photographer ) and in art ( the fiance , son in law draw . I do , too ) . But they said they got to the last pic and as they scrolled down , they were like , she is so pretty , but then , much to their surprise , there she was … no more tasteful hiding . And they both shrieked … . WHAT ? ! About that time , my son walked through the room and asked what on earth they were doing and looked at the screen on their laptop . They yelled , " Don 't look ! " and tried to cover the screen . He just shook his head and laughed at them . Goofy girls . Then later I was in my room and the boys wandered in . First , my son in law was talking to me . After a while , they were talking to each other and that conversation was so different than anything the girls talk about . I cannot even tell you what they were discussing but I did jot down some keywords to share on here . They are crazy intelligent young men and the words are as follows : fiber optics , satellites , japan , speed of light , gb and mb . time frames , and streaming . After a while they noticed I was typing , so I explained it was for the blog . I think sometimes they aren 't sure what to say when they can see I am baffled by their subject matter . At the same time , I have walked through one of the living rooms and seen something odd happening . They each were in their own living room with their own big screen TV 's and playing a game together . I looked at my son 's TV and saw a man in boxer shorts wearing a pig mask and carrying a gun , running through a city . I looked at him , like ' what on earth ? ' and he looked at me like … ' what ? ' … I just laughed and left them to their game . And sometimes they just shake their heads at me . My son in law is learning to speak Russian . He said something to me about a cigarette and motioned for the door . I said , " Oh , are you going to go do a cigarette ? " He smiled and asked , " How does one ' DO ' a cigarette ? " I thought for a minute and said , " Smoke it ? " He just laughed and left . Now when he goes out to smoke he announces that he is going to go ' do ' a cigarette . I just laugh . At the end of the week , we all had big plans . Thursday was the concert the fiance and son in law were to attend . She bought him tickets for Christmas , two months ago . An ice storm hit , though and they were afraid they would miss the show . They braved the storm and had an incredible experience . They both got to shake hands with Chester Bennington . She posted some pictures and they made it home in one piece . My daughter braved the storm because she wanted to go out to eat and stop by the store for some cookie dough . She picked up her friend and had a nice time . My son stayed home and worked on his school project . It was quite brilliant . How I produced such a smarty is beyond me . The storm worsened throughout the night and I awoke to clicking sounds coming from the attic . I went up to see what it was . Turns out the round spinny thingy on the roof is covered in ice and it is quite windy today , so it makes for a terrible sound . School was cancelled , my son stayed home from work , as did his fiance and my daughter . My son in law works walking distance from the house so he went on in and ended up covering for 2 other guys . But he should be home by 5 : 30pm . I was supposed to have dinner with my best friend tomorrow , but it looks like we may have to reschedule and my daughter 's dance recital is off now . And it looks like the bachelorette party may not happen for the fiance 's sister . So , changes of plans , but everyone is safe , happy and close enough for me to hug . Blogging is new for me . I have been doing it for a little while and I have watched it morph into this and that until now . I believe this is what my blog is meant to be . My daughter and I are trying something new and different . We are going to each blog about our week from each of our viewpoints . My viewpoint is that of a parent having to move in with their children and be quite dependent on them for a while . Her viewpoint will be from an adult child taking in their parent . I will post a link to her blog at the bottom of mine each week , so you all can go read what the way she sees things , too . She will start blogging next Friday . My life has changed dramatically in the last month . I don 't really want to talk about everything , just some things . I have given up my independence for a while . I had moved away from my children five years ago , from Texas to Delaware . After hardships , misunderstandings , hurtful situations and an aching for my children , I have moved back . The world I left is very different than the world I have reentered . I kept in constant contact with my children while I was away , with goodnight / I love you texts each evening and phone calls and plane tickets . But it was not the same as being able to hug them and see them . They are now 23 and 21 years old . My daughter has been married for five years , she got married just before I moved . My son is now engaged . I love their choices of mates and get along with them very well . The mates both write and draw , too . The four of them rent a three bedroom house together and have blessed me with the third bedroom . I have been here just over a week . It felt strange when I first moved in . I didn 't know where things were and felt a bit disoriented . But I quickly converted my room into an extension of me . My dog is already adjusted and has a new friend in my granddogter , Cy . It rather reminds me of the tv show New Girl . Especially when it comes to ' bubbles ' . I am an introvert and have my ' bubble ' around me . These kids do not have ' bubbles ' nor do they see a reason for anyone else to have them . I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and started to close the door . My son walked up and said , " What ? We can 't see you brush your teeth ? " Now my daughter has been known to come into the bathroom and take pictures of me brushing my teeth . But I wanted to fit in , so I left the door open . Next thing I knew , my son and son in law were both in the bathroom behind me , talking and cutting up and I almost lost my toothpaste trying not to laugh at them . That was very much a New Girl moment . Always something crazy and fun going on here . We are all artist and impulsive . I will have to post I do believe this is a positive environment for me . I just hope I can add to the wonderment that abounds so freely here .

Oh , where do I start ? I love that my home is back to normal , laughing , wrestling , chasing … we are grown ups , we are allowed to run in the house now , just not with scissors . haha We have had laughs and conflicts that were quickly resolved with love and hugs . And a bit of excitement . I decided I wanted a job at a specific place … two weeks ago . So I went in on a Friday and got an application , filled it out and they said they would call me on Monday . They didn 't so I went up there . Turned out the manager took off that week , unexpectedly . They said she would be back the following Monday . So I went back the next Monday . She said she had just gotten back and they had a shipment she was dealing with and that she would look at my app and call me back on Tuesday . She didn 't call . So I went back on Wednesday . She lost my app and had me fill out another then took me in her office and interviewed me and I start next week ! Another day , my son in law came to me and said he and my son have decided that the reason we have a ghost in our house and we all got so sick was due to a curse that Nathan put on us . If you remember , Nathan was the stranger who walked into our house on New Years around 2 am and used our bathroom . He was a stranger and was promptly escorted out of the house with my son in law cussing at him and holding a gun . So now they are convinced Nathan has hexed our home . They do make me giggle a lot . As you all know , the last two weeks have been very trying with this house filled to the brim with sickness . The only sounds , for days , were coughs and vomiting . But things are back to normal now and I am so grateful . This week has been slow as we were all gaining our strength back . I did go out and get applications for employment from a dozen places or so . Some were hiring , some were not , but all say you can fill out an application and they will put them on file . Who knows if they really do , but I will give it a go . Really , I want to be a cashier . No quotas , no pressure sales , no keeping up with food orders , just cashiering . I need a part time job so I can keep writing my novel . Speaking of my novel . I am almost to the halfway mark . And I put off a scene for the last few days , due to the nature of the scene . The first day I tried to write it , I ended up putting finding a thousand other things that needed doing . You see , I bought the coolest fold up table and chair set from Spiderlegs . com and I will post a picture of them folded and one of them opened up . Anyway , The word procrastinate has a ' pro ' at the beginning for a reason . Seems I am one when it comes to procrastination . So , a couple hours ago I sat at my new table with my new chair to start writing . As I sat there I noticed the carpet could sure use some vacuuming , so I got up and started to put stuff from the floor to the bed . But then I thought , " I was sick for the last couple weeks , I really should wash my bedding . " So I stripped my bed and put it in the washer . While in the utility room I thought , " I should probably go ahead and wash my clothes while I am at it . " So I came back in the bedroom and into the closet to get the hamper . I took it to the utility room but came back to clean up the closet . I had packages in there I still need to mail for Christmas and they needed to be wrapped . So I wrapped them . And yes , I still need to mail them … again … PROcrastinator . Well after all that , I finally put stuff on the bed and vacuumed . After the floor looked so nice , I noticed the furniture needed dusting . So I dusted it and then I thought , " I need to take pictures of the table and chair , but I need to fold them first and take a pic like that . " But I couldn 't figure out how to do it . So I had to look for the directions . I found them and got it all folded and took pics and put them back together and took more pics and then I got my room put back together . Now I am plum wore out so I am resting and telling you all why I haven 't written yet . It 's because I am a pro . So , last night I decided the scene must be done , no matter how painful . One of my favorite child characters had to die . It was the hardest scene I have wNow as far as things getting back to normal . I decided I needed to make some gluten free pancakes at 11 : 30pm . So I was in the kitchen cooking when the kids wandered in , one by one . At one point , my son was trying to show us all something on his phone and my son in law came in with pigtails in his hair . He ended up chasing my son 's fiance around the island , them bumping me as I cooked and my daughter was singing How Much Is That Doggy in the Window to her dog , Cyanide . It made me smile to see things were back to normal in our home . I love these kids with all my heart . I had so much fun Monday night it was ridiculous . We will be going out again soon . One of my sweetest friends in the whole wide world called me Sunday night to see if I was free on Monday . He has scored some tickets to a Cirque du Soleil type show and wanted to take me . I said I was available and on Monday I sent him a text and asked him , " What are you wearing tonight ? " He called and asked , " What ? " So I said again , " What are you wearing ? " He said , " Lacey panties … . . what are YOU wearing ? " I laughed and he said , " Jeans and a tshirt . " haha So it was casual . He came and got me and we had a wonderful time . When we left , we walked to his apartment . He lives in the building I wanted to live in , back before I moved to Delaware . And I was right … it was perfect for me . I am so jealous . He has wall to wall canvases of his artwork . We discussed each piece . I would ask question after question . And I saw this one piece that was SO beautiful . I just fell in love with it . And he gave it to me . I will attach a picture of it . After we left his place , we walked across the street to his favorite bar , so he could get some matches . And as you walk through the bar , you see original artwork all over the walls . It 's a bar for artists ! It was amazing ! So I was carrying my piece of art and we were walking through old downtown and I saw the park and the beautiful Christmas lights . He asked if I would like to go for a walk through the park and he reached over and wove his fingers between mine . So we walked hand in hand looking at the beautiful lights . After that he brought me home and came in . He took off a shoe and sock and hung a sock on my door to freak out my kids . I am always telling them that if they see a sock on the door that means stay out because I will have a man in my room . He knew they would laugh . We have known each other for six years and as he puts it , I do not have the right equipment for his interests . My kids know this . So he laid on my bed and I showed him my own artwork . We talked about the books we are writing and the people we plan to go out with . Then he needed to go and he began to undress . I giggled and said , " oooooo What are we doing now ? " He said , I wanna freak out your kids again . So half undressed we walked out of my room and my daughter saw us and he said , " Damn , your mom is good . " And I said , " I almost have him batting for the other team . " She laughed and laughed and said , " You two are not right . " So he got dressed and hugged me and kissed me and told me he loves me . We will be doing this again soon and I can 't wait ! I also had a night with my son 's fiance . She has been a little stressed since she lost her mom , this past summer . And her sister is getting married this weekend and his fiance is the maid of honor . She is also filling in for their mom , doing all the things mom would normally be doing . So we had a night with just the two of us . He had hot wings and fries … totally blowing our healthy eating choices and put on Brothers Grimm . We didn 't really see much of the movie , as we were talking the whole time . She was so precious . She wouldn 't let anyone come in the room with us . My son in law came in and looked at the t . v . She glared at him and then he looked at her … She said , " It 's my night with Madre . Go away ! " He slowly eased out of the room . I giggled . She seemed a lot less stressed by the end of the evening and that really made me happy . I just love her so much . My daughter wanted an Elf on a Shelf , so I got her one . My son 's fiance detests them and says they are creepy . So my daughter would place the elf in areas where my son 's fiance would find them and freak out . My daughter always had the elf holding a sign that said DIE and a knife in his hands . I would see the elf all over the house and shake my head and smile . Every time my son 's fiance would find the elf , she would remove the knife and hide him . Then my daughter would search the house and find him and place him again . This went on for day and was very entertaining to watch . Christmas was amazing this year . I have been away from my children on Christmas morning for the last four years . I woke up to the sounds of the kids exciting announcing it was Christmas morning , outside my door . Then they came in and got me . When I got to the living room , the lights were on the tree , the presents in piles by person , Nat King Cole 's " The Christmas Song " playing on the big screen t . v . and my son had a place picked out , on the other side of him on the couch . I watched as the kids opened their presents from each other and me . It was so fun , my son 's fiance was in charge of everything . She would say when we could open a gift , because she wanted to watch everyones reaction and see what all they got , my son in law teased her about being bossy , my daughter was half asleep and my son was just so happy , he is much like me in these instances . My heart was so full , I thought it would burst . I got some wonderful gifts , but I would have been happy with just being there , in that moment . And the last thing I will be writing about for the week , my date . I went on a date this week . Not a friend date , but a real date . We have known each other since high school . Neither of us has really changed that much , just older really . We had a lot to talk about . He moved to LA a good 8 years ago and has made a name for himself as a voice actor . So he is familiar with websites , fans , podcasts , marketing and things of that nature . It was wonderful to pick his brain til two this morning . We went out to dinner and stayed til they closed , just getting caught up . Then we decided to go out for coffee . It was so cold out . No Starbucks were open after eleven . So we ended up in a Waffle house . Interesting thing happened . It seems I did rip one on our first date … that is … I ripped my one pair of jeans , right up the back . Luckily , I wore a brown suede vest over my grey top and favorite jeans , with brown boots . The vest hung mid calf which ended up being a life saver for me . One of the times we climbed back in the car , my jeans ripped up the back . My favorite , fifteen year old jeans ripped up the back of my ass . It was so funny . We both laughed and laughed and I told him … " See , never a dull moment with me . " He said , " Your life plays out like a sitcom . " I said , " You have no idea . " And we laughed some more . It was a lovely evening . And that is it for this week . As always , it 's been a good one . I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and have a happy new year . Well , this week I did a bad thing . A very bad thing . It was not intentional but that is no excuse . And as best as I can tell , everything is alright , but I still feel like the worst person to ever walk the face of the earth . My daughter and I were visiting some very lovely friends . I really do love these people so much . So there we were , a room full of pretty much adults and one precious little 6 year old girl who was sitting right next me . In my excitement to see everyone and the fact that I have not been around a small child around the holidays in probably 10 years or more , I did not have my child mind going . I was in my adult mindset . Someone said they wondered when Santa was born . My daughter looked it up on her phone and said 1773 . In my stupidity , I said , " I know where Santa is buried … Ireland . " They said , no he 's not . I said , " Yes he is . " Then you coulda heard a pin drop . They all looked at the sweet little girl sitting next to me . She said , " Santa 's not dead . " I said , " No , he 's not . I was just kidding . What did you ask him for this year ? " She said , " A Furby boom . " I asked what that was . She looked at me like I was moron and said , " You don 't now what a Furby boom is ? ! " The others explained that it is pretty much what the old Furby 's were . Then everyone went into the other room to work on the Christmas tree and left me alone with the girl . I asked her what did Santa bring her last year . She said , " I don 't remember but my Grandma gave me a cuddle buddy . " I asked what that was . Again , she looked at me like I was a moron and held her hand up like she was doing a sock puppet . She said , " It 's a puppet and a blanket . " Then she slowed her speech down to make sure I understood . She said , " A blanket , so you can cuddle , " And she did the hand again and said very slowly , " And a puppet … buddy . A cuddle buddy . " Then her eyes looked into mine and she raised an eyebrow waiting to see if I understood . I said , " Ohhh , I get it . A cuddle buddy . " She smiled . Then her eyes lit up and she said , " I remember what Santa got me last year ! " I asked what was that . She looked at me and thought for a minute and said , " It 's too hard to explain to you . Nevermind . " And we retreated to the rooMy daughter had a photoshoot to do , out at the park . She needed to be in some of the pictures though , so I volunteered to take a few for her . Mine need some serious work , but it got the done . I will post one of me and daughter from that day . It was fun . And one last thing . I found out that if you are going to have friends over , you have to warn everyone else in the house in advance . You don 't want to be sitting there in your pajamas , with cold cream on your face and watching tv when company comes over . The son in law forgot to warn people and it upset the house . The fiance ended up in my room , working on her blog . Later my daughter came back , too . The girls started working on my son 's Christmas present . My son kept trying to come in . The girls would scream at him to leave . He said he wanted his fiance to come watch a movie with him . Well , after several attempts to enter or get the fiance to come out , he came back again . This time he hollered through the door … " Are you coming ? " I yelled back , " No , she 's not screaming yet . " With that I got a loud groan and MOMMMMMM , from my son . But it made me laugh and he didn 't come back to bother her again . Oh yes , and my daughter did a photoshoot with me in my burgundy cape . After an hours of hair straightening , ( I will post a pic ) , push up bras , being turned , posed , poked and prodded , the pictures didn 't turn out very well . So I just took one with my phone and decided to try another photoshoot next week out in the woods . That should be different and maybe the lighting will be better . Well , this week has been interesting , to say the least . The week started out with me in the kitchen , doing dishes and my son 's fiance in the bathroom putting on her makeup . I can 't remember if the boys were home or not . I suppose it wouldn 't matter , as one is married to my daughter and the other has learned the art of looking away quickly if he sees more skin than clothes out of the corner of his eye . My daughter came traipsing through the house , clad in nothing more than her sweat pants and fuzzy socks , holding her bare breasts in her hands and yelling , " Anybody seen my bra ? " My son 's fiance came out of the bathroom and saw my daughter , then she looked at me and shook her head . I did the same and went back to doing the dishes , as she went back to doing her make up . I went to a museum with my son . He had to go to complete a project for college and asked me to come along . I used to take him when he was a kid . So many memories came flooding back , like being banned by his teacher from assisting with student field trips . I caused problems apparently . First , every time you go over rail road tracks in the school bus , we all had to be quiet and raise our hand . I thought that just applied to the kids . I didn 't know that I couldn 't keep talking to my friend , the stay at home dad . And at the museum , it was the first time we were ever exposed to Georgia O ' Keefe . I stood there , behind the kids , staring at a painting and thinking … that reminds me of something . I must have looked confused , because stay at home dad leaned over and whispered … I am having deja vu ' of exiting my mother 's womb and entering the world . That was it ! I giggled and we were scolded . Then we came to the next painting and I swear all I could see were lady parts from that point on and the little girl in me would not stop giggling . So , yes … banned . Anyway , long story short about the museum . I oooo 'd and awwwww 'd all over the museum , whisking my poor son from exhibit to exhibit . I would get an inch from the sculpture or painting and take pics . My son would whisper … mom , you 're too close , the guards are hovering . I would just smile and shoo him away . They never said anything to me directly . I would rename the work things like … OMG Where are his parts ? ( looked like it had been broken off ) or oooooo Creepy lady … or this one carving had a man holding a woman 's breast so I called it " well , okay then … " My son laughed a lot at the things I would point out or say or ask , like , is that naked person a man or a woman ? He would smile when I would gasp at beauty or point out small details that left me utterly speechless . It was an icy ride there , remnants from the ice storm , and an icy ride home . But so very very fun . Another time , I came in the kitchen and my daughter was standing there with her pajama shirt over her head and buttoning it up . I asked what she was doing . She said she was cold . That was weird so I took a pic . I will show you all . Another night , the girls were being silly in the hallway , my daughter in my son 's fiance 's lap , threatening to lick her face . She had her pinned . My son 's fiance was fighting her off and laughing so hard she cried . I got another pic . And lastly , I went on a friend date . I haven 't been out with someone of the opposite sex ( not in a relationship with ) … ever . I was so nervous . But the kids were just plain freaked out ! I told them I would be going to dinner with a friend I met playing an online game . I we have spent the last 6 months building this friendship . He lives with his girlfriend and said she was fine with us going to dinner . The kids were all … he 's not real … you met him online … he will kill you ! I tried to calm their fears . But my son , daughter and son in law were all worried about me . They kept saying , he will rape and murder you . So my son took my phone and put in his number , my daughter 's number and his fiance 's number to make sure I could call them all on speed dial . Then he would test me to make sure I knew which number was his and how to dial him using speed dial . My daughter came to me with a switchblade and make me practice opening and closing it and had me put it in my purse . The son in law was concerned because I don 't have my CHL anymore and therefore can 't carry a gun . I looked at my son 's fiance and said , " Well , at least you are aren 't worried I will get raped and murdered . What on earth is wrong with them ? " She said , " I don 't know . I don 't worry about you getting murdered . I worry that you will get kept in a dungeon forever . " I just shook my head . He showed up and the kids weren 't too obnoxious , no inquisition . We got in his car and we were only two houses down and my daughter was sending me a text . She sent a few more but then she calmed down a bit … I think . Dinner went well . Conversation was nice . And he brought me home . But I don 't think I am ready for friend dates . I need more time to heal , more time to spend with my kids and more time to learn me . And I am pretty sure this pleases my kids . They breathe easier now . I do have to admit , it is sweet how loved I feel by my kids . The worry about me , the same way I worry about them . And leaving you on a funny note , my son 't fiance lost her keys . This is a common occurrence and my daughter always helps her find them . But what made me laugh was my son . He hollered at his fiance , " Did you look in your bra ? I can check there for you . " I laughed so hard but they girls just ignored him . He said to me , " Yeah , I say that every time . She don 't pay any attention anymore . " The excitement this week has been sporadic . The kids are busy with school and work , so they are in and out quite a bit . And now we add Christmas into the mix , so busy , busy , busy . Emotions running high and low this time of year . I have gotten to have some wonderful conversations with each of them . I heard about school projects ( even asking my input . That always feels good ) , about upcoming dance recitals ( she is a trooper , even with all the pain , she still opted for a dance class ) , incredible new book ideas ( the new one the son in law has cooked up will be a best seller one day ) , input on books in the works ( the sons fiance is a very talented writer in her own right ) . The kids are amazing adults and I am so honored to be living here with them . Okay , so for excitement this week … First , I decided to walk to the library this week and put in an application for volunteering , in hopes of a job later . So I walked the 1 . 5 miles there . It was an interesting walk . I saw horses in pastures , beautiful homes with lovely holiday decorations , and a truck passed by with a trailer on the back . There was a horse in it that whinnied and me as it sped by . At the library , none of the people I needed to speak with were in that day . So , I opted to go look at books on the Cromwellian Conquest of Ireland . I needed some more information for my book . It turns out , those books are hard to find and had none of the information I needed . So , I headed back home . On the way home , I suddenly remembered I have fibromyalgia . It doesn 't flare up very often , so I tend to forget I even have it . But it sure flared up on the way home . The only way I can describe the pain I felt that day would be , someone placing flathead screwdrivers in between the ball of my hip and the socket and trying to pry them apart . I just kept placing one foot in front of the other until I made it home . I would later accompany my daughter to the store and make dinner while the girls got all the decorations out of the attic . They spent hours making our home beautifully festive . We even have snowman placemats on the table with snowman bowls and a wreath and snowman napkin holder with festive napkins inside . They even took the pot holders , hanging on the front of the oven off and replaced them with Christmas ones . I do find it disturbing though that Santa 's face is the cover for the lid of the toilet . Something all kinds of wrong with accidentally sitting if the lid is down . Seriously , sitting on Santa 's face … I suppose that would be one way to get something nice for Christmas … well or naughty … When I left the kitchen and headed to bed , I had to make my way through the kids as they sang that song from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas … Fah who for - aze ! Dah who dor - aze ! My son in laws head on my son 's shoulder , and the girls holding hands and daOne morning , I got up and my son 's fiance was in her living room with her laptop . I sat down and visited with her for a while . Then , my daughter came home from dance class and walked into the living room clad in her yoga pants and tshirt and announced to my son 's fiance … Another day , I walked down the hall to get some water in the kitchen . The girls were talking about sex shops . The fiance 's sister is getting married and the bachelorette party is this weekend , so I assume that is where this conversation started . But again , there are no boundaries or comfort zones in this house and I actually like it this way . They were talking about how uncomfortable some of the workers in sex shops can make you feel . My daughter was explaining how one worker came up to her and showed her a cock ring and said , " It goes on your lovers cock and it vibrates . " Then she changed her tone as if the memories of use were flooding her mind and in a lower , way too pleasurable tone she said , " I love this thing . It feels soooooooo goooooooood . " Both of the girls laughed so hard after my daughter finished telling the story and showing us how the lady spoke . Then the fiance was talking about the sex swing she saw in there and how the video was playing to show how to use it and she was a bit uncomfortable . I think it is interesting how there are no comfort zones in the house , but out in public , we are more reserved and definitely have our personal space . They also talked about seeing naked pics of Kate Moss . They said they were very tasteful and the ' important ' areas were covered . They talked about how beautiful she is and how women 's bodies are so much prettier than men 's , especially in photography ( my daughter is a photographer ) and in art ( the fiance , son in law draw . I do , too ) . But they said they got to the last pic and as they scrolled down , they were like , she is so pretty , but then , much to their surprise , there she was … no more tasteful hiding . And they both shrieked … . WHAT ? ! About that time , my son walked through the room and asked what on earth they were doing and looked at the screen on their laptop . They yelled , " Don 't look ! " and tried to cover the screen . He just shook his head and laughed at them . Goofy girls . Then later I was in my room and the boys wandered in . First , my son in law was talking to me . After a while , they were talking to each other and that conversation was so different than anything the girls talk about . I cannot even tell you what they were discussing but I did jot down some keywords to share on here . They are crazy intelligent young men and the words are as follows : fiber optics , satellites , japan , speed of light , gb and mb . time frames , and streaming . After a while they noticed I was typing , so I explained it was for the blog . I think sometimes they aren 't sure what to say when they can see I am baffled by their subject matter . At the same time , I have walked through one of the living rooms and seen something odd happening . They each were in their own living room with their own big screen TV 's and playing a game together . I looked at my son 's TV and saw a man in boxer shorts wearing a pig mask and carrying a gun , running through a city . I looked at him , like ' what on earth ? ' and he looked at me like … ' what ? ' … I just laughed and left them to their game . And sometimes they just shake their heads at me . My son in law is learning to speak Russian . He said something to me about a cigarette and motioned for the door . I said , " Oh , are you going to go do a cigarette ? " He smiled and asked , " How does one ' DO ' a cigarette ? " I thought for a minute and said , " Smoke it ? " He just laughed and left . Now when he goes out to smoke he announces that he is going to go ' do ' a cigarette . I just laugh . At the end of the week , we all had big plans . Thursday was the concert the fiance and son in law were to attend . She bought him tickets for Christmas , two months ago . An ice storm hit , though and they were afraid they would miss the show . They braved the storm and had an incredible experience . They both got to shake hands with Chester Bennington . She posted some pictures and they made it home in one piece . My daughter braved the storm because she wanted to go out to eat and stop by the store for some cookie dough . She picked up her friend and had a nice time . My son stayed home and worked on his school project . It was quite brilliant . How I produced such a smarty is beyond me . The storm worsened throughout the night and I awoke to clicking sounds coming from the attic . I went up to see what it was . Turns out the round spinny thingy on the roof is covered in ice and it is quite windy today , so it makes for a terrible sound . School was cancelled , my son stayed home from work , as did his fiance and my daughter . My son in law works walking distance from the house so he went on in and ended up covering for 2 other guys . But he should be home by 5 : 30pm . I was supposed to have dinner with my best friend tomorrow , but it looks like we may have to reschedule and my daughter 's dance recital is off now . And it looks like the bachelorette party may not happen for the fiance 's sister . So , changes of plans , but everyone is safe , happy and close enough for me to hug . Blogging is new for me . I have been doing it for a little while and I have watched it morph into this and that until now . I believe this is what my blog is meant to be . My daughter and I are trying something new and different . We are going to each blog about our week from each of our viewpoints . My viewpoint is that of a parent having to move in with their children and be quite dependent on them for a while . Her viewpoint will be from an adult child taking in their parent . I will post a link to her blog at the bottom of mine each week , so you all can go read what the way she sees things , too . She will start blogging next Friday . My life has changed dramatically in the last month . I don 't really want to talk about everything , just some things . I have given up my independence for a while . I had moved away from my children five years ago , from Texas to Delaware . After hardships , misunderstandings , hurtful situations and an aching for my children , I have moved back . The world I left is very different than the world I have reentered . I kept in constant contact with my children while I was away , with goodnight / I love you texts each evening and phone calls and plane tickets . But it was not the same as being able to hug them and see them . They are now 23 and 21 years old . My daughter has been married for five years , she got married just before I moved . My son is now engaged . I love their choices of mates and get along with them very well . The mates both write and draw , too . The four of them rent a three bedroom house together and have blessed me with the third bedroom . I have been here just over a week . It felt strange when I first moved in . I didn 't know where things were and felt a bit disoriented . But I quickly converted my room into an extension of me . My dog is already adjusted and has a new friend in my granddogter , Cy . It rather reminds me of the tv show New Girl . Especially when it comes to ' bubbles ' . I am an introvert and have my ' bubble ' around me . These kids do not have ' bubbles ' nor do they see a reason for anyone else to have them . I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and started to close the door . My son walked up and said , " What ? We can 't see you brush your teeth ? " Now my daughter has been known to come into the bathroom and take pictures of me brushing my teeth . But I wanted to fit in , so I left the door open . Next thing I knew , my son and son in law were both in the bathroom behind me , talking and cutting up and I almost lost my toothpaste trying not to laugh at them . That was very much a New Girl moment . Always something crazy and fun going on here . We are all artist and impulsive . I will have to post I do believe this is a positive environment for me . I just hope I can add to the wonderment that abounds so freely here .

Here 's a story for you . I came downstairs yesterday morning all half awake and hobbling like I do in the morning , and there , in front of the stove was a dog biscuit . A dog biscuit . You understand what I 'm saying here , right ? A dog biscuit was in front of the stove . A whole dog biscuit . I had the dog euthenized in the spring . I gave his dog things away almost immediately because it made me cry to see them . We have not had a beef basted biscuit in the house since . There is only one explanation possible . My dog 's ghost haunts the kitchen . It was his favorite place , after all . He was a big dog , and he took up most of the kitchen as he waited , just a little anxiously , for the cook to drop something . Which she did a lot . ( Usually , after saying , " Buck ! " ) So Buck is back , and fitting , isn 't it , being that he timed his return to coincide with Halloween and all ? Well . Then there is another explanation , I suppose . Just to play it safe , the first thing that I did when I got to work was to buy some mouse bait . There is the off chance that this might be the beginning of our annual mouse immigration . They attempt to take up residence each year as soon as it starts getting cold . So , it could be a ghost dog , or mice . One of the two . I still cannot figure out where the dog biscuit came from though . Thursday night , I walked out of class . Vanessa walked with me . " Can you believe it ? " she said . " Can you believe that we do not have some big project , or a major test , or something due that is driving us crazy ? " And I glanced over at her and said , " No . I can 't . I 'm going home tonight , and I am taking the night off . I am not studying anything at all . Tomorrow , I 'm going to clean my house . " ( It really needed some organizing . ) We parted ways , and I came home . True to my word , I did nothing . Tim and I went down to take care of a tenant problem . We did some grocery shopping . I bought him a nice piece of walleye , and some half - n - half for a pot of cream of potato soup . I was in bed a few minutes after 8 . The phone rang once , and it seemed as if it were in the middle of the night . Tim answered it from his side of the bed , and I said , confused , " Why 's Bill Clinton calling us in the middle of the night ? " It was not yet 9 , and Tim didn 't bother to answer me . It would have been a waste of time , because I had immediately fallen back to sleep . Friday , I did clean house , change sheets , do laundry , organize things , scrub the bathroom . I did it with a phone pressed to my ear , catching up with an old friend . It feels like forever since we 've had time to visit , and it was nice . There was a lot of laughter . Today , I will work all day , but tomorrow , I have a Sunday off . Tim and I have plans for a lazy day , church and then a trip to pick up some parts to fix his poor deer damaged Mustang . We will take the long way home . Hopefully , I 'll be able to stay awake . I really just feel like I could lay down and sleep for a week . Last night , I woke up and my back hurt so badly , I couldn 't get comfortable to doze off again . Winter is here . I drove through a sleet storm to get to school yesterday , and it sleeted once again while I was house cleaning . The cold weather really aggravates my bones . But I have Sunday off , and I 'll dress warmly , and Tim and I will have a pleasant day , just the two of us . No books . No worries . Just us . Yesterday was a very nice day . I started the day pooped . I mean , I didn 't go to bed until almost midnight , and then I just laid awake repeating things in my head for quite some time . When I did fall asleep , I woke back up pretty quickly over and over , with the recurring thought that I 'd overslept and was late . I know that I 'm an idiot when it comes to school . I am not a confident student , and I also am very fond of A 's . So I doubt myself , I study , I shoot for the A , I never feel like I 'm ready , it is a cycle . As BB pointed out yesterday , going to college with me is a real emotional roller coaster . I got to school early yesterday . I was tired , and I wanted to leave myself extra time to get a cup of coffee from the cafeteria . On the way back through , one of the women who had been in our study group said , " We 're covering stuff one last time , " and so I joined them , and then we walked to the test like we were being marched to the electric chamber . One of the benefits of group studies is that you realize ( in my case , for the first time ) that none of us are real confident . We all feel like we are drowning . They are throwing one project after another at us , and someone commented that it was to weed the slackers and the people that can 't cut it out of the program right away . It made sense . Two people have left already . In any case , after the test , John was in the hall with a sick expression on his face . He doesn 't think that he did well . That surprised me . In the study group , he knew his stuff . I , myself , thought it was surprisingly easy . That doesn 't mean , however , that I was putting down the right answers . I don 't know . It just seemed easy to me . John has test anxiety though , and he 's never happy with his test grades . Then Mindy came along with a worried look . And Kim . Soon , we were all congregated in the hall , and I was saying , " Well , I think you 're going to find out that the teachers are right when they say that we know more than we think we do . " We were not supposed to be back to class until 12 : 30 , and we had a couple Posted by I was just about sick over that test . I did okay . I really think that I did okay . Maybe even well . Boy . Talk about a ton off my mind . Posted by Have you ever just wanted a day to be done , with all your heart ? At the same time , you don 't want to be done with your coffee , because that will mean that you have to get up from your chair and get the day started . Really . I just am not confident about this material . I am not seeing how it fits together , what the purpose of it is . I have this idea that if I organize the material , it will make sense to me , but you know , I tried that . I tried to organize it , and I couldn 't . By the time that I was done , it made less sense to me than it did when I started even . Young Girl sat in on our study group . I was surprised to see her , because the group project had been so traumatic , for all of us , I suppose . But I saw her walking to our table , and was surprised that more than half the group muttered , " Oh , gees , it too late to hide ? " I mean , she was a major problem in the project . Major . But she 's not a problem in the classroom , really . She is vague and asks off - the - wall questions sometimes , that 's all . We got the use of a conference room , and that was nice , because we were able to shut the door , talk in normal voices , and we had a white board to diagram long term goals and short term objectives . At one point , everyone was calling out answers to a question John had asked , and Young Girl said , sweetly smiling . ' We could make a story , you know , about going to the ball field , I don 't know , some sporting event or something , and then we . . . ' And people were staring at her as she wandered off . We were afraid to follow for fear we would get lost too . I 'd sat at the far end of the table , with my chair turned sideways so that I could hear everyone , and I watched this tableaux . Young Girl looked around and said , " Why is it , when I talk , it is met with dead silence ? " And she smiled sweetly . Someone said , " Because I never understand what you 're trying to say . " Someone else said , " When you talk , I need to process it . " From my own corner , I sat quietly and watched . I felt really sorry for her , and I wanted to say something afterwards , but I didPosted by Today I went to school early , to get some study time in for this midterm tomorrow . I only had one class , Life Span , and this class kind of puzzles me . I feel like I have a good grasp of the material . I feel confident . I don 't feel as if I am struggling with the tests . But I can 't seem to function any higher than a ' B ' in that class . It surprises me . I don 't think it is a difficult class , but I 'm unable to get my ' A ' . I 'm getting better though . I am no longer disappointed in a ' B ' . It 's not a bad grade . Speaking with one of my classmates today , he was frustrated at his grades as well . He 's a smart guy . He seems to understand , as far as I can tell from his classroom discussion , but both his test scores are in the 60s , and he 's pretty aggravated . This afternoon , a bunch of us got together and studied for that midterm test , about eight of us . It was helpful , I think . We 're all wrecks . We 're all nervous . We 'll all do our best , and I 'm telling you all right now , if I get a B in this , well , I won 't be disappointed at all . At work tonight , I was processing a check and shockingly , the machine ate it . Chewed it right up . The man quietly said , " Well , let me run out to the truck and get my check book . Just ring these folks up . " So I did . He came back in with his check book and went to the back of the line . " No , Mr . W , you come to the front of the line . " " No , " he said . " I 'll wait . That way I 'm not holding these folks up , if the machine decides to eat my check again . " And even though the nice folks in line urged him to go ahead , he insisted on waiting . When it was his turn , I rang him up , and this time the machine processed his check without eating it . I told him that I truly appreciated his graciousness . He looked surprised and said , " If a person can 't handle a little thing like this without getting mad , well , I say he 's got a real problem . " He right . But I didn 't bother to point out that there 's a lot of people in this world that have a real problem . I saw Merrill 's mama today . She was in buying a bigger cage for her spoiled chPosted by Well , yesterday is yesterday , and today I 'm studying for the midterm . I 'm looking at this stuff and trying to put it all together in my head . It is the first test we 've had in this class , and the first test I 've had from this particular teacher , so there are a lot of unknowns here . Yesterday , I felt competent and smart . Today , however , I feel as if I set my smarts down someplace and promptly forgot where I put them . Eee . Today , I got a test back with a thrilling 97 % at the top of it . I took a unit test for another class , and I think that I did well on that too . I am preparing for a mid - term on Thursday which has me bug - eyed with terror . As I was copying some material , a young girl from my class stood by . We talked . She admitted that she 's terrified about this test as well . " Let 's study together at the library tomorrow after our LifeSpan class , " I suggested . " We 'll pass the word . Who ever wants to join us for a few hours can . " And she accepted readily , relieved . I was just as relieved as she was , truth be told . Later , I scooted out to my truck to drop off my bookbag , and I heard the sound of a bird call behind me . Surprised , I turned to see a tall smiling young man from one of my classes last spring . " How are you ? " he hailed me . And we talked , because I 've only seen him a couple times this semester . I walked to my next class in the unseasonably warm and cloudy October day , and I loved this place in life that I am . Everyone was quite interested in how I could know what search words were being used as my blog was searched yesterday . No . I 'm not a ' tech - savvy person ' , as Jenny thought . I even boggled Mikey 's mind . True confession time : I actually did not know that I could do this until yesterday . See that globe in my side bar ? It tells where all of you are from . If I click on the last button in the second row , it takes me to another screen . I knew that I could see what posts people were reading . What I did not realize , until yesterday , was that I could see , if someone was searching my blog , what words they were entering . I ' watched ' this person type in a word , and then be directed to a handful of blog posts . Not finding what they were looking for , they 'd type in something else , and be directed yet again . I followed them around the blog for a while . It was a truly strange experience , like standing around a corner , watching a stranger poke through your home . * sigh * So , friends , it was not magic , and it wasn 't even being ' tech savvy ' . It was just one of those amazing coincidences . In any case , it caused me to think about the things that I put out there , and how that information could be exploited if someone is trying to use it in a bad way . Initially , it came as a bit of a shock , but I decided that really , it is what it is . If someone doesn 't like you , they 'll use whatever they can to inflict whatever damage they can . My words are my words . I am what I am . I 'm no more imperfect than anyone else . I realize that as I type these words , I believe them , which , for a person of low self esteem , is a pretty big deal . I have a test this morning , so I 've got to hit the road early . I don 't feel well prepared for this test . I spent time studying , but I also had homework to get done . There really is a lot of work this semester , and I 'm a bit overwhelmed . Every little project I get done makes me feel better . We are on the down hill slide of it , and I am glad . I 'm not sure when the final day of class is for Christmas break , but I 'm looking forwaPosted by Today , I followed a reader from the Gerry , New York area . The person was searching my blog . I watched the words that s / he entered , and I realized that this person was not my friend . That is a strange feeling , like having a stranger poking through your house . Today , a customer came into the store . I was just heading back to get some lunch and study , and I heard my name . I turned around , and an elderly woman came up to me . She had knitted me a scarf , a pink , wooley thing to keep me warm in the winter . The idea that someone who is virtually a stranger to me sat at home by herself knitting a scarf and thinking of me . . . well . . . isn 't that just the very sweetest thing you 've ever heard ? I love that . I gave her a big hug . It seems to go like that , doesn 't it ? No matter how rough life gets , it has sweetness . It has bright spots . I 'm lucky . I 'm so very lucky . Friday , at the Cancer Center , I had my blood work done and settled in to assemble study notes for a test . I listened to a group of women talk . The 90 year old woman talked about the secret of her young looking skin , and how one of her girls had sent a picture of her in to the company who manufactures her skin care line . She received a box of products . She sighed , " But my skin is ruined now , " and everyone assured her that it was not . ( It wasn 't either . ) They sat and visited and talked about their children , and their jobs , and the grandson who wanted to be a wine expert , and Italian recipes . The doctor son who is flying in from Minnesota . One woman from Philadelphia was home for a visit . " There 's nothing left , " she said , and she 's right . A lot of factories are gone . A lot of the young people have left the area . I think of my own kids , and I keep my head down and my nose in my book . The women talk on about our town . " There 's no place to shop here , " they complained . " The mall is nothing . If you want to shop you have to drive to Erie . " These seemed like very nice women . Don 't get me wrong . I just found myself wondering what it would be like to live in a world where the only thing that mattered is convenient shopping . Tim found out that he will , like as not , be laid off again . Financially , we can make it , but losing insurance again . . . I guess that I am discouraged right now . Heading off to work when I should be headed off to church ? That doesn 't help . I saw a woman with bouncy smooth glossy hair . Mine is never going to be like that again . I 've accepted that truth . I tried to let it grow a little longer but it just turned into a bushy shapeless mess . So I got it cut off . I 'm trying to be practical . I mean , at this point , I 'm glad to have hair . If I need to wear it short , well that 's not the worst thing that could happen . I keep telling myself this stuff , and I 'd made my peace with it . I thought . Until today , when I saw a woman with reddish hair , shiny and glossy , a perfect page boy . It bounced as she walked , and she carelessly tucked it behind her ear as she talked . I thought I was okay with the hair thing . But maybe not . You know , here 's a site that needs to be publicized . You know those e - mails you get ? Like I got one from ' Anita ' just today . Subject line : ' Anita awaits your urgently reply . ' I didn 't open it , just deleted it from my spam account . I knew what it was . Basically the person involved will be either a ) some high ranking govt . figure , b ) some Godly missionary or c ) a dying Godly person . What they have in common is that they have a huge amount of money some place that they cannot get to . What they have in common is that they have , out of all the people in the world , chosen YOU to help them , and to share in this fortune . Yeah . And I 've got some oceanfront property in Pennsylvania to sell you . Ann apparently hates spammers as much she hate pink , and posted this link . It 's a good one . Check it out . That 's the ' spam ' portion . The ' egg ' portion is about a hatched one . A woman came in the store the other day , looking for shavings . I told her that we had pine shavings out front , $ 5 . 99 . She looked , and said , " I don 't need that many shavings . " I sent her on back to where we keep the smaller bags of stuff that people use for their guinea pigs , or ferrets , or the like . She came up to the counter , and she mentioned that she saw some small cages that she liked , but they were too expensive . I asked her what sort of critter she had , and she said , " A chicken . " Went on to say that he 'd gotten a little spoiled . " His name is Merrill , " she said , " Because we kept him in a Merrill boot box at first . " Merrill , it turns out , is the sole survivor of a vicious fox massacre . A young ball of fluff , he was carefully placed in the boot box , and kept in a corner of the kitchen where he quickly became the apple of everyone 's eye . Merrill has grown , and is now sprouting feathers . He is afraid of the dark , and has to have a night light . He also has a special fondness for ' books on tape . ' When the reading starts , he settles himself atop of the stuffed chicken in his cage and listens intently , cocking his head and issuing quiet little peeps as the story unfPosted by It 's done . My gosh , what a stressful day . I got to school at 8 to rehearse , and no one was there . They met somewhere else . It was probably a good thing . When I walked to class , one of the revampers rushed by me and said , " We fixed everything . We were up until 12 : 30 . " I said , " I sent the rough draft to everyone on the 13th . You told me it looked great and thanked me for doing it . ' Young Girl ' did not bother to reply at all . To decide it was unacceptable after it had been printed off and submitted to the professors was unfair . To make those changes last night , hours before the presentation , unfair . To make those changes without any input from 1 / 2 the group , unfair . " They will not back down . They were right . They saved us , and we are ungrateful . K . and I had a chance to talk after the presentation . We left campus and went out to pick up her daughter at the babysitter 's house , and drop her off at school . She was still mad . Mostly because the other two members of the team keep trying to talk to her as if nothing is wrong . ( I sit on the other side of the classroom . ) In any case , she told them , " Listen , I 'm really upset , and I just don 't want to make small talk right now . I need time to process this . " Her comment was met with huffs and eyerolls . I 'm still mad myself , truth be told , but I said to her , " It 's done . We did all right , despite the problems , I think . We will spend a lot of time with these women in the classroom setting for the next couple years . We need to take a deep breath and move on . Some people just wait until the 13th hour to pull it all together . That 's way out of our comfort zone . We just know who we cannot work with on these sorts of projects . " She heaved a quavering sigh . " I know , " she said , " but this was so stressful , and it didn 't have to be . " She 's right . So we endured . We got through it . We were assigned another group project today . I swear to you , I am strongly considering working alone . The thing that bothers me is that today the teachers made a startling announcement . The fact of it is that you Posted by This group project is crazy . Completely crazy . Two of us have been working very hard on this from the beginning . The other two miss deadlines , don 't understand , etc . Now these two have taken it upon themselves to redo the everything . We sent it to the professor this afternoon . Now , 9 hours before the presentation , they are changing everything . At 10 PM , the other worker in the group called me in tears . I tried to be as soothing as I could , but really , the fact that these two have taken upon themselves to change everything with no input from the group is horrible . This afternoon , as I was leaving one of them said , " Can you talk longer ? Young Girl doesn 't have enough information to fill her full 3 1 / 2 minutes . " I stared . I 'm supposed to rewrite my whole thing at the last minute because someone hasn 't done their part ? I took a deep breath . " No , " I said . " I won 't . " I looked at Young Girl . " I strongly suggest that you spend tonight doing some research . " I left . Tonight on the phone , I told a sobbing K . , who takes her grades every bit as seriously as I do , that I 'm sure that the teachers would be able to tell who was prepared , and who wasn 't . The fact that two members were revamping everything after the group had submitted our stuff earlier in the afternoon will be obvious . " All we can do is be prepared to do our part , as was arranged weeks ago . It 's going to be okay , " I soothed . " I 'm sure the teachers have seen situations like this before . They 'll know . " Man . I hope I 'm right . Dear Teacher : I was 8 minutes late for school on test day for the following reason . I was driving to school and I saw this field full of seagulls . A flock of seagulls . And the song " I Ran " began running through my head , and so I glanced over at the clock on the dash , and I had 10 minutes , so I pulled into the parking lot to take pictures of the flock of seagulls . And then I drove on to school , and I got out of the truck , and ambled in , because I still had time . Only to discover that I was 8 minutes late . The clock on the truck was wrong , which I didn 't realize it because I don 't drive it unless I have to , but I had to because remember how Tim was driving the Mustang and a deer jumped in front of him ? Well , he was driving the back up car and a deer came off the bank and by the time that I saw her , she was already headed straight into the windshield . I ducked and covered my face . When I saw the windshield bowing in under the weight of the deer , I thought I would wind up with it in my lap , so I lay down and covered my head . Nothing else to do . Tim managed to keep the car on the road , amazingly , but it 's totalled ( it 's the blue car from this story , so it 's not much of a loss ) . So now I 'm driving the unfamiliar truck and did not realize the clock was wrong because my watch band broke while I was stocking the pop cooler at work , and I haven 't replaced it yet . And that 's why I was late for school . Do I need to get my mama to sign this ? Please God . Let this group project end . And let me get a decent grade . And please remind me when Young Girl says , with sincere eyes , " Really . Tell me what you think , " remind me , oh God , that she doesn 't really want to know what I think . And if You have to clap Your Almighty Hand across my mighty mouth , You just go on ahead . Amen . You know , there 's a ton of stories I don 't tell . I think the world is a hard enough place without dwelling on the darkness of it . This is a story that I glimpsed , and it 's rather caught my imagination . It probably shouldn 't , but I wonder about it . There is a man who comes in the store . He is a big guy , and he obviously has money . He carries himself as if he is an important man . He talks like a man who expects to be listened to . He 's never been unpleasant , and he seems to know everyone he encounters . He stops and talks with them all . The woman who is with him is much younger . She 's not a child , don 't get me wrong . Closing in on 40 , probably . Her voice is rough and raspy . Her face shows signs of heavy tanning . She 's not pretty , but she hasn 't figured that out . The thing is , she dresses like a young girl , in short shorts , and form fitting things . She wears her hair in a top knot . Her behavior is almost manic . She cannot stop talking and clutching on to the old man . She is flirty and loud , and fidgets constantly , dancing around him as she speaks , talking about the meals she 's going to cook for him , the honeys and the babys flowing fast and furious , a regular tidal wave of crooning endearments . The man is expansive and generous with her . She eyeballed a high ticket appliance as she waited in line , and he bought it for her , immediately . Oh , she was excited then , and her face grew dramatic as she smacked her lips and gushed about all the special foods she was going to make for him . She interrupted herself to dance around clutching at her leg , moaning about her sciatica . She bent over , stretching her legs . The entire line watched , fascinated . She stood up , stretching languidly in front of the old man , promising him a jalapeno dish , promising him hot stuff . The man 's response was ' aw , that ain 't nothing , baby ' . He was spending big money . He was spending it because his baby wanted something . He was spending it because he could , and he wanted everyone in the store to know that he could . " You put a sold sign on that , " he said toPosted by Today , I studied for a unit test . Today , I finished my research paper . Today , I wrote two more short papers , one on a current event , another on an essay about ' Kaffir Boy ' , a book which turned out to be a paradigm shift for me when I was 11 . This essay was written by the author himself , Mark Mathabane , in response to the discovery that his book was assigned reading in many classrooms , but was being read in a censored version . It was a brutal book about a terrible time , but the words in that book changed my thinking forever . I don 't believe one word of it should be changed , or omitted . ' Let he who has eyes see . ' Writing the article took me back to a late night at my grandmother 's house . I 'd read the book in a quiet corner of the house as the grownups talked in the kitchen . I was surprised at how vivid those memories were . It was a pleasant writing , as I sorted through my memories . Today I made two quiches for supper . It 's been a time since I 've done something besides hurriedly slap something on the table . Tim was surprised . I 'm headed to bed now . I 've got a lot on my plate tomorrow , but I can tell you that I am ahead of the game at this point . We 'll have a nice supper of leftover quiche tomorrow . I 'm handing in work early . I am again regaining my footing . I am regaining my confidence . One day at a time , I 'm making progress . Feels good . Really good . While I was at work on Saturday , Tim was running a few errands . He saw a guy who looked familiar , although he couldn 't place him . Although the fellow did not stop in his conversation , he really gave Tim a long look . Tim heard part of discussion . The familiar looking guy was explaining to someone that the doctor had just doubled his anti - anxiety medication . Tim continued on his way , still trying to place the fellow . Later as Tim was headed across the parking lot , he saw that man again , getting into his car , and this time , the familiar looking fellow called out : " So , how 's your wife doing ? " he asked , and Tim answered back , " She 's doing well . Busy . Working . Writing . Going to school . " Although Tim never did figure out who the man was , we must have crossed paths with them during the whole cancer thing . The man looked at Tim and said , " How can you stand it ? Don 't you get worried that she 'll get cancer again ? Aren 't you afraid ? " Tim was relating that story to me . He stopped right there . I said , " What did you say to him ? " and he looked at me , uncertainly . " I didn 't know what to say , " he said . " I didn 't say anything . " Cancer may hit one person , but the fallout affects everyone . Sometimes that 's easy to forget . Today , a couple came up to the counter with a piece of equipment that I was unfamiliar with , but I scanned the bar code and rang it up . $ 6 . 35 . I took the money and briefly chit chatted , and they left . Wasn 't long before they were back in , holding their receipt and the part . " Uh - oh , " I said . " What happened ? Was the part wrong , or the cashier wrong ? " They said that I 'd made a mistake . I sure did . The part was actually three separate pieces . I 'd only scanned the bar code on the end piece . When they took it apart , I realized that each part had its own code . The other two pieces were $ 9 . 00 each . I thanked them profusely . The man said , " I thought at first the part was a lot cheaper than I thought . But when I looked at the receipt , I realized what had happened . I should have taken the thing apart when I came up to the counter . " You know , those people could have gotten a $ 25 . part for $ 6 . 35 . But they came back . They made it right . Gotta tell you . Every time something like that happens , it gives me hope for this world . Funny story ? There 's this old fellow who comes into the store . He 's a corker . He was returning something , and I had to get the manager to do it because he doesn 't have his receipt . So I called for Ike , and I asked the customer to step to the side so that I could continue to wait on customers . He stepped to the side with a grin , but said , in a mournful voice , " Story of my life . I 'm always coming in second . " I squinted at him , puzzled . " Second ? Really ? You come in second ? That surprises me . Gees . We 've all been calling you a loser . " The line howled and so did he . Well . Now I 've got homework . This is not getting it done . Oy . Today was hopping busy . Hopping . Not that we mind . But it was hopping . Anyway , this woman came in . I 've never seen her before , but she had a sweet face , lined , a weary face , really . Her hands were as calloused as any man 's hands I 've ever seen . She was a farmer , and she smelled of barn , and cows , and sweaty hard work . She bought some farm supplies , but she also bought a horse , a Breyer horse , Christmas edition , a sparkly , spangly collector 's item . " Oh , this is pretty , " I said , holding it up to get a better look . " I imagine some little girl is going to be thrilled to pieces on Christmas morning ! " and she smiled , and for a moment her face was not weary . " My granddaughter , " and she picked up her bags . " I 've got to get home . I got chores to do , and I need to hide this in a good place first so 's that girl doesn 't find it . " I repeated that I thought her grand - daughter would be thrilled with it , and thanked her for stopping in . I watched her . I don 't believe that she 's any older than me , but she walked out the door with the steps of an old , old woman . I watched her thoughtfully . She was buying a thing of beauty for her grand daughter 's Christmas , hiding it in a secret place . I imagined her taking it out to smile at it and imagine the coming Christmas . I found myself saying a little prayer for her , hoping with all of my heart , that there was someone in this woman 's life who bought beautiful things for her , and hid them away thinking how delighted she would be to receive them , this hard working woman with the thick yellow nails and the calloused , dirty hands . In class yesterday , we briefly discussed our powerpoint assignments . It is a group project , and my group is made up of three . . . er . . . mature women , and one young girl . I 'm not trying to imply that Young Girl is immature , and really , our group is quite lucky to have her , because she knows the computer inside and out . The rest of us ? Well , remember that when we were in high school , there were no computers . Quite a difference . No . " Young Girl " is a very welcome addition to our group . Our problem with Young Girl is that she is very sweet , extremely vague . Very intelligent , but she has a tendency to talk on , and you listen , carefully , and still cannot figure out what she is trying to say . Part of it is all the ' you knows ' and ' like ' and other ' filler ' words that have little meaning . She is sweet though . My ( our ) main issue with Young Girl is that we have a 15 minute presentation . We each must speak . Which gives us less than 3 . 5 minutes to make our portion of the presentation . Young Girl feels that we should feel free to interrupt each other with pertinent information . The three of us have said quite firmly that this would be unprofessional . It would also disrupt the flow of thought . It would also take away from the speaker 's precious few minutes . It is a group project , and majority rules , we said . So there will be no interruptions . Young Girl says " Well , you can interrupt me too , " or " This will add interest to our presentation . " In other words , she 's going to do what she 's going to do , and it doesn 't matter what we think . Young Girl never stops smiling sweetly . So yesterday , we were discussing the presentations , people in the classroom just asking general sorts of questions . I don 't know if it were right or wrong , but I just asked it , just a general question , not pointing any fingers . " Would you say that it is a good idea for a group to interrupt each other as they give their presentation , to add pertinent information ? " The answer came back ' no ' . Young Girl raised her hand . " I think it would be a way to add interest to ouPosted by I don 't often miss television , but I would have liked to have seen some of that rescue of the Chilean miners . That was pretty awesome . I wrote a paper at the library today . I went to class , I went to work . Remember that fellow with no legs I told you about before ? He was back in the store today . I hailed him . " Long time , no see ! Since the last thing you told me was that you were heading out to see what trouble you could find , well , I figured you found some . " He thought that was funny stuff . He claims that he doesn 't have to actually look for trouble . It generally looks him up . He talked as I rang up his purchases . About the cold weather ( " Course , it doesn 't really matter . I wear shorts all year round , " and he laughed loud at his own joke . He told me about his birthday . He 's going to be 69 . ( He doesn 't look it , either . ) He headed for the door calling back , " If you can 't stay out of trouble , well , just don 't blame it on me . " I called right back , " If I find trouble , I 'm pretty sure you 'd be close by . " I heard him still laughing as he went out the door . I marvel at his amazing good humor , and I am ashamed my own gloomy mood these past few days . I came home and got my homework . I took an online exam . I got 100 % on medical terminology . I did not expect to have the results immediately , but I submitted the test , and there was my grade . I got myself organized after I just about drove myself nuts looking for an assignment . I thought was due tomorrow . It is not due until the 28th . That was a relief . Now , I 'm talking to you good folks . Really , what I ought to be doing is heading to bed . In thinking it over , I believe that I will ! Good night ! I 've been thinking a lot about that presentation . I know that part of it is that I am a bit of a perfectionist , and I do not like myself very much when I do not meet my own standards . Immature , probably , but it 's my nature . Funny thing is that if I met my self , feeling like a failure , agonizing about what I shoulda , coulda , woulda done differently , I 'd be the first one to try to soothe the person . " You worked hard on this . You tried . Learn from it so that if you do it again , you 'll be better at it . Or , if you never do it again , that 's okay too . You tried . " That 's what I 'd be saying to myself . October is a challenging time of the year for me . There are reminders that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month . Everywhere you look , there are pink ribbons and pink merchandise . Even the comic section was pink , with pink ribbons every where . Hundreds of times , I think " Oh , yeah . I had breast cancer . . . " and it surprises me a little . I guess my point is this . I wrote a column on breast cancer . I did so last year as well , and I think that it is important , to urge women to be vigilent about their health . Also , I 'm so eternally indebted to so many kind people . It is a chance to acknowledge , again , the kindness of those days . That presentation , though , that was different . I thought the talk would be maybe a half hour or so . It never entered my mind that I 'd be talking for 1 hour and 45 minutes . I realized that I would have to lengthen that talk . I went back through my blog for more material . I found it , of course , but it was also quite unnerving to be rereading those days . Reading about the day that I cut my hair off , alone in my bathroom on Thanksgiving morning . About the neupogen shots ( I reckoned that there were 54 of them . Probably more , though . At one point , I seem to remember that I was on a 10 day stretch , and then it got cut back . There were stories that went with people that are no longer of this world , and that made me a little sad reading those . There were frustrating times too , and I still don 't understand some of those Posted by Yesterday , I saw an old acquaintance . I called out her name in delight , and she was glad to see me . In fact , I think that she may have come to the store to see me . We had a nice talk . She wanted to tell me how glad she was to see that I have moved past cancer , how well I looked . I worked on after she left , thinking about it . Maybe the fact of it is simple . I 'm not a good person to speak for one hour and forty five minutes on cancer because I 'm not ' there ' any more . I don 't know . Last night , I whipped out a quick post , and I went to bed . Redlefty 's comment was waiting for me this morning , and it was a shocker . No . Actually , I did not connect the dots , and I doubt seriously that , left to my own devices , I would have . I find myself wondering if that is the way of it ? That we look at everybody else and see something special , but do not see it in ourselves ? Is that the way we 're designed ? Or is it just me ? Redlefty generally gives me a lot to think about . I 'll be considering his comment for some time . This is not getting me out the door . I 've been writing this presentation , and it is printing out , even as we speak . I have spent a lot of time rereading blog posts , putting it all together . My thoughts . How I felt . How Tim felt . Our struggle . I am grateful to Mikey , that she nagged me into blogging . It is good to have that record . I 'm a pretty decent writer , because my own words made it very , very real . Today , Tim and I went to Tractor Supply . I bought a copper birdfeeder for Mary and Danny , and 40 lbs of sunflower seed . I got her a thank you card . We drove up and dropped the things off . She and Danny were surprised . " What 's that for , " they asked . And I said to them , " I 've been thinking about two Octobers ago , and I am so grateful to you . I just wanted you to know how grateful we are to you for your friendship during that hard time . " And after all these years , neither one of them feel that they 'd done anything special . Today in church , I looked around , and I remembered how everyone had gathered around me during that hard time . During public prayer , a time when we offer up our joys and concerns , I told them that they were a remarkable church . They didn 't think they 'd done anything special either . This week , I 'll touch base with new Mary , to thank her for everything she 's been to me , but I already know . She won 't think she did anything special . I 'm surrounded by special people , and not one of them can see it . Tomorrow , I 'll give those presentations . I cannot imagine that my experience is any different from any other woman who has dealt with the same thing . I can 't imagine that I have any new wisdom . Any wisdom at all , actually . I should have told the organizer no . I 'll be glad when this is over and done with . Good night . Today , I went to work . Someone was sick , so I worked 12 hours . The extra money will be nice . I don 't mind long days , and really , time flew by . It was a busy day , and it was fun , as always . I got called into the office which always makes me a little nervous , but the manager wanted to give me my 90 day evaluation . I got good marks / meets expectations in all areas but one . The area about cooperation , being a team player , getting along with people and being customer oriented , stuff like that . I got above average / exceeds expectations . And then Mark said the very nicest thing . He said , " It was meant to be that you came to work for us . I consider you a God - incident . " Isn 't that nice ? You know , I really do enjoy working there , and to know that they enjoy having me work there . . . well , how nice is that ? Today , a man came into the store . His wife walked behind him . As soon as I saw the look in the wife 's eyes , I knew it . Alzheimer 's . That blank look . Their eyes all look the same . Her husband talked , and the wife stood there . I gave her a quick smile , and she smiled back . I spoke to her , and the husband said , right away , " She 's got that dee - mentia . That 's an awful thing , that dee - mentia . " And I agreed with him . It 's an awful thing alright . " She goes with me , where ever I go , " and he began to push the cart towards the door . His wife stood at the counter watching him go . She held up her hands , and began to talk . " I live in that place . You know , up there . Oh . . . . " and she looked frustrated . And I said , " You mean Lakewood ? " and she said , happily , " Yes . That 's it . " Her husband had told me . Her husband called from the door . " Come on . You 're with me , " and she looked at him confused . " Let 's go home , " he repeated . And she patted my arm , and smiled sweetly and followed him . Yeah . That dee - mentia is an awful thing . Today sucked . It began early . I began to print out some study guides that I needed for an online class . I ran out of paper . So I left the house early , and printed out the things that I needed for the online test . I went to my one class . I went to the library and began dutifully typing out one of my papers . I had a 1 PM meeting with another student for a group project . I tried to print my paper , but it would not print . It kept telling me that it was saved to something called ' One Note ' . Finally , I just saved the document and fled to the conference room for my meeting , figuring to print it out later . This group project will be the death of me . I 'm trying to explain that a power point should be like the key points , and pictures , an accent to the speaking . The youngest member of the group is adament that the power point contain all the things we will be saying so that we can read from it . We 've got the most verbose power point ever , and I tried to patiently explain that the power point was meant to be used like a ' highlighter ' . " Um , " she said , " I 've seen it done both ways , actually . " So she went on adding words . I sat there . " So , what do you think ? " she said , turning her powerbook to me . What am I supposed to say . Then she tells me that she doesn 't like her speaking part . Do I like mine ? ( What ? LIKE IT ? What 's that got to do with it ? ) I say to her very patiently , " Well , if you would like my part , you can take my notes , and I 'll do your part . " Well , " she says , " it 's just that I 'm not really comfortable and I really don 't have a lot of experience with this material , and so I don 't really feel like I ought to be speaking on it . . . " and then she began trailing off , " But , you know , so I guess that I will do whatever . . . . you know ? " ( What ? ) I say to her , I guess you 'll have to tell me exactly what you are looking for here , because I don 't understand what you are telling me . Do you want my part ? " " No , that 's not what I 'm saying , you know , it 's just that , I don 't really have a lot of knowledge about this . . . " Me : " About what ? " Her : Posted by This morning , I am grateful to Tim . Before school , he bought a printer that works on the new computer . We had our old computer and old printer ( off line ) , which I used for writing papers . The new computer had internet access but we did not have a printer for it . I am so grateful for that printer , and for the husband who saw it as a necessity , because . . . well . . . it IS ! That being said , let me head off to college . I 've run out of paper . ( AGAIN . ) * grumble . mumble . Much rolling of eyes . * Now I lay me down to sleep , If I don 't die before I wake , Please God , let me wake up to be a excellent power point maker with great computer skills . Oh . And an organized non - ADD mind would be a blessing . I would like to get three major papers written tomorrow , so I 'm also asking for a miracle , God , because I 'm starting to get scared . And while I 'm praying , please God , let me do well on the test tomorrow , and also on the Online Vocab test which goes up on Sunday . And if You could do something about this upset stomach and matching headache , I 'd be much obliged . And a photographic memory . A photographic memory would be a big help . Amen . And a maid . A maid would be good . Amen . Who cooks . A maid who cooks . Amen . Larry stopped in the store last night . I met him and his wife a couple years back . Larry had dealt with cancer himself and both he and Cheryl followed my story in the paper . I was working in a swamp one day when a woman approached . I shut off the back pack sprayer prepared to deal with a complaint . " Are you Debby - - - - - ? " she asked . Cautiously , I answered , " Yes . " " My husband has bought a book for you , and the package arrived last night . I can 't believe that I 've run into you today to tell you . " And it did seem fortuitous . It did seem like one of those moments when you are comfortably settled in the hand of God Almighty Himself . That very night they stopped by the house with Randy Pausch 's " The Last Lecture " , neatly inscribed " Remember yesterday . Cherish today . Pray for tomorrow . " Good advice . Then and now . Now all these months later , both us visited in the store , both of us strong and healthy again . We chatted a while , and he said that he was very moved by the story of our latest tenant . " I love your stories , " he said . And then suddenly : " You know , I wish there were more people in the world like you and Tim . " There are , Larry . You and Cheryl are two of them . Reporting up front to take over cashiering duty from Al , I was delighted to see that he was waiting on Sheila , an old work friend . She and I chatted briefly , bringing each other up to speed on our lives . Another customer asked my opinion on a pair of jeans and two new shirts . He works with younger people who have been teasing him about how he dressed . " You be stylin ' , man , " I assured him . A mother and her son checked out with boots . She complained that he outgrew them before he wore them out , and I remembered those years with Dylan . Later on , another customer said , " I know who you are . I love your articles in the paper , and sometimes I read them and think about calling you , just to talk . " I told her to feel free to do just that . A customer needed pellets for her wood stove , so I called back to tell Jeremy we needed a new pallet brought in with the fork truck . " It 's Posted by Kelly put up a post over on her blog about how educational it is to read blogs . Jees , Kelly . I haven 't even told you about Chicken Poop yet . Our new tenant seems to have settled in nicely . When I got home from work on Saturday , Tim had our truck pulled up to the door . Our tenant waved from the back . They were loading the truck with things for his new home . One of the benefits of having a big house is that we had a bed that we would not miss . A wing chair . A small table . A folding table and two chairs to fill in for a temporary kitchen table . Other things found their way on to the truck as well . Bedding and pillows and my old set of pots and pans . We even have an extra microwave . ( How did we end up with such an embarrassing excess of stuff ? ) This young man had no shoes , just a pair of flip flops . His sneakers had fallen apart walking to work in the rain . His feet are larger than any of the feet in our house , so Tim quietly put the word out at church to some men of the big footed persuasion , and the story went round like wildfire . Money was pressed into his hand , money enough for a sturdy pair of hiking boots as well as a pair of waterproof boots with removable felt liners for this winter , so that his new shoes would not be ruined in the snow . Socks , too , and the boy fingered the socks , telling Tim over and over , " I 've never seen socks like these . " And my gruff Tim said , " Those are work socks and they 'll keep your feet comfortable . " He had the boy pick out sandwich makings so that he would have something in the refrigerator to get him through until payday . Even with all of that , there was still $ 48 left over , which we planned to put towards a warm coat for him . But no . A coat was donated , a new one , with a removable liner . Gloves and a hat , too , everything matching . Today , I received another call . Someone had replaced their dinnerware , and offered up their old corelle ware ( a complete and matching set , including the serving bowls and platters and casserole dishes and the like ) as well as their old set of flatware . And the boy himself is shyly excited about all of this too . He went out on his own the first morning in his new home . He went to garage sales aPosted by You know what ? My copy and paste isn 't working any more ! What 's up with that ? I need my copy and paste . Anyway , head over to The Novel Woman . Her friend KC Dyer is giving away a copy of her new book . Big day at school today . Going to try to knock out the biggest share of one of my biggest reports this afternoon in the library . I had an e - mail exchange with the woman who 's organizing the teacher 's ' professional day ' . She says the slots for my presentation are filling up quickly . This actually shocked me . I haven 't got my presentations finished yet . There 's so much . I 've written the lead - in , setting the scene . Talking about the surprise of it , and the first frightening weeks when everything moved so quickly that Tim and I fell out of sync with each other ( which made it very much worse . . . and which is , as I discovered , very much the norm for couples ) as well as the sheer unreality of the time . It was a major adjustment for the whole family . I thought then that I 'd grab a half dozen blog posts that really captured the emotions during treatment . Wind up with some brief comments on how to be helpful which will dovetail nicely with how NOT to be helpful , and then talk about being an ordinary woman who was careless about screenings because she considered herself to be healthy , with no alarming family history . Then I will provide material for them to pick up . And pray like crazy that this will take up one hour and forty five minutes . Coffee 's done , and I need to get a move on . Well , I had a nice sleep last night , and that made up for the whole bad day at work . Some days are like that , I know . People bring their dogs into Tractor Supply . Sunday is a big day for pet sales . People come in and buy their dog food and dog treats for the week . I sold a whole bunch of bully sticks . Don 't ask . Oh , please . Don 't ask . But some folks did , and I had no idea how to answer the question without wandering into a whole area that I did not want to head . So I looked square at them and said , " Don 't ask . Oh , please . Don 't ask . " Which caused them to pick one up out of curiosity , and then they 'd read the package and burst out laughing . The men were buying them to give to their friends . Oy . Men are sick and twisted creatures . Probably was a man that came up with the idea for bully sticks . That 's what I think , anyway . Anyways , they were our ' item of the day ' , and we sold out . Anyway , there were a lot of dogs in the store yesterday . There 's a big white one who is probably the biggest ' talker ' I 've ever heard . He doesn 't bark , but he does a lot of yodeling and whining and half howls , as if he 's trying hard to talk . He comes to the register , and knows that I have biscuits under the counter for him , so he always makes sure to ' talk ' to me . There was a woman with a little shivering chihuahua . It was just plain cold yesterday , and the poor little thing was naked . For the first time since I 've worked there , a little dog had an accident , but his owner cleaned it up . Most of the dogs are very mannerly , and I get to pet them all . A little boy came in yesterday . He was with his grandpa and grandma . He was getting a toy tractor . He explained to me that " tomorrow is my birthday " . I said , " I wonder if this is the birthday you 'll be all grown up , " and he gave me a puzzled look . " Well , " I sighed , " I guess you won 't know for sure until you get out of bed and look in the mirror tomorrow morning . If you 've got gray hair and whiskers , this is the birthday , alright . " He looked skeptical . " It 's true , " I said . " That 's what happened to mPosted by Today , unbelievably , I had a bad day at work . I worked from 9 until 6 : 30 . It was busy , which I like , but there were lots of strange events happening . A fellow was upset with us because the propane stove he got from us ' was a piece of crap ' . Turned out , he had it hooked up to leased gas . His story ? ' The darn thing shoots a flame across the living room and goes out . ' Dear heavens . Lucky he didn 't burn his house down . Dave finally managed to convince the fellow he needed to buy a gas heater . ( That Dave . He 's a silver tongued devil . . . ) I think that I am a gracious person , but I forgot to thank someone today . I said , " Have a great day . " But I did not say thank you . Didn 't even realized I 'd done it until he jumped all over my behind . I apologized , but he didn 't want none of that . He was not happy . I felt terrible , because really , I pay attention to that . I usually say , " Thanks a lot for your business . We really appreciate you stopping by . " Another guy came in to buy some washers and bolts . They are sold by weight . When I entered the weights , the man interpreted the weights as the prices , and couldn 't understand why . 45 and . 83 equaled $ 2 . 81 . I explained that the . 45 and the . 83 were weights not prices . He was flipping mad . " You just give me a receipt , " he snarled . " Sure , " I said . I answered the phone and a customer yelled at me because the RV antifreeze was no longer on sale . " It 's almost a dollar a gallon more , " he yelled . " I know , " I said . " The 2 for $ 7 price was a sale price . That was last month . " He yelled about the price . I had a line . " Sir , " I said , " I 'm sorry . That sale is over . The price is $ 4 . 49 , " and he swore he 'd never come into our store again . It wasn 't all awful , I suppose . An elderly couple came in , he with a cane , hobbling . As they headed out , I said , " We didn 't have what you needed ? " and the man said a little disgustedly , " I wanted a mattock . You don 't have them . " I was a little confused . " Yeah , we do . Well , at least we did . . . Let me go take a look . " The man hobbled along telling me , ' I asked that man aPosted by Today , at the Tractor Supply , I met a man with no legs . He was the liveliest charactor you 'd ever want to meet . He was hauling a huge and heavy trailer part on his lap , and he twisted around to unload the bag on the back of his chair . I said , " Well , it looks like you 've got your work cut out for you today , " and he quickly answered , " No , the hard part 's done . I 've got that trailer built . " I loaded up the bag at the back of his chair after ringing up the things . He paid for it , and airily called out , " Well , I 'm off to see what trouble I can get into . " It is amazing to see a person of that spirit . He said , " I live alone , and I don 't need help . I do whatever I want to do . " And I 've no doubt that he does . He apologized for holding up the line , but you know , I don 't imagine that anyone looking on felt anything but admiration . Remember the man who had tears for his dog ? Remember how he was talking about his neighbor who was paralyzed from the chest down , but used his hands to split wood , and to change the oil in the truck , and to weld ? Two stories like that , in the same week . It gives me hope , I tell you . It gives me hope for this world . I 've been haunted by the story of the young man living in the tent . I called Tim at work . " What do you think we should do ? " I asked . And he decided to head down and meet him as soon as he got off work . I was at work , when Tim came in . Tractor Supply was hopping . I knew that something was up because Tim waited . And waited . Finally , things slowed down . He walked up to the register and said , " The kid doesn 't have anywhere to go . I told him to come back at 9 , and I 'd let him in , so that he has a place to sleep for the night . " We both looked at each other . It 's getting darned cold at night . When I got off work , we went down to the apartment . I met him . Seems like a good enough kid . His mother died when he was still a child . He 's very quiet . Had nothing . Nothing . We 'd already got input from his pastor . His case worker . Yeah . You pretty much knew how this was going to go down didn 't you ? Truth be told ? So did we . We took a carload of supplies with us when we went down to meet him . We told him , " We 're going to do a month to month lease . How long you wind up staying will depend entirely on you , son . We hope it 's a long , long time , though . " He looked surprised , and said , fervently , " I hope so too . " We left the apartment . I looked back . " Welcome home , " I said . He came out in the hall , and shook our hands . " I really appreciate this , " he said . " Thank you so much . " Leap of faith . Big leap of faith . Did you ever just get a feeling about something ? Tuesdays and Thursdays are my big classroom days . My first class is at 9 and my last one ends at 3 : 55 . On Mondays , Wednesdays , and Fridays , I have one lone class , from 11 to 11 : 50 . It seems to take almost more energy to get myself to that class . It 's almost like an interruption . Yesterday , two more large writing assignments have been added to October 's pot , in addition to the two big ones that I 've already got going on , which is addition to the two that are due every Tuesday , and the one that is due every Thursday . Which is in addition to the column , which is in addition to those presentations , which is addition to the Henry W . article which is ( blessedly ) taking some amount of time to get my answers on . I may not have it until November , which might be a truly excellent thing . I 've always liked to write , but now , it just seems daunting . I 've got to worry about proper citing , MLA for some papers , APA for the others . I 'm collecting info and have folders of stuff for each project , and trying to jump from one project to the another is getting a bit frazzling . I have a calender with due dates , and it is pretty full . I look at other people in the class , and we 're all kind of stressing out , but you know , there are people taking the OT classes that are also taking Anatomy and Physiology . I honestly do not know how they do it . I think of my time in A and P , and for the very first time , I thank the good Lord that I did take it over the summer , even mashed into a six week course , as opposed to a full semester . I simply couldn 't imagine trying to do all that writing and keeping up with Anatomy and Physiology . Marty , the woman separated from her husband , has stopped coming to Life Span . She 'd been looking plainly ill , and the last time she was in class , she very suddenly stood up next to me and left the room , whispering , " I 'm going to be sick . " I remember the early days , being on my own , trying to put all the pieces of my life back in order . It 's a lot to juggle , being a single parent , handling a full time job , and being a full tPosted by I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal .

Here 's a story for you . I came downstairs yesterday morning all half awake and hobbling like I do in the morning , and there , in front of the stove was a dog biscuit . A dog biscuit . You understand what I 'm saying here , right ? A dog biscuit was in front of the stove . A whole dog biscuit . I had the dog euthenized in the spring . I gave his dog things away almost immediately because it made me cry to see them . We have not had a beef basted biscuit in the house since . There is only one explanation possible . My dog 's ghost haunts the kitchen . It was his favorite place , after all . He was a big dog , and he took up most of the kitchen as he waited , just a little anxiously , for the cook to drop something . Which she did a lot . ( Usually , after saying , " Buck ! " ) So Buck is back , and fitting , isn 't it , being that he timed his return to coincide with Halloween and all ? Well . Then there is another explanation , I suppose . Just to play it safe , the first thing that I did when I got to work was to buy some mouse bait . There is the off chance that this might be the beginning of our annual mouse immigration . They attempt to take up residence each year as soon as it starts getting cold . So , it could be a ghost dog , or mice . One of the two . I still cannot figure out where the dog biscuit came from though . Thursday night , I walked out of class . Vanessa walked with me . " Can you believe it ? " she said . " Can you believe that we do not have some big project , or a major test , or something due that is driving us crazy ? " And I glanced over at her and said , " No . I can 't . I 'm going home tonight , and I am taking the night off . I am not studying anything at all . Tomorrow , I 'm going to clean my house . " ( It really needed some organizing . ) We parted ways , and I came home . True to my word , I did nothing . Tim and I went down to take care of a tenant problem . We did some grocery shopping . I bought him a nice piece of walleye , and some half - n - half for a pot of cream of potato soup . I was in bed a few minutes after 8 . The phone rang once , and it seemed as if it were in the middle of the night . Tim answered it from his side of the bed , and I said , confused , " Why 's Bill Clinton calling us in the middle of the night ? " It was not yet 9 , and Tim didn 't bother to answer me . It would have been a waste of time , because I had immediately fallen back to sleep . Friday , I did clean house , change sheets , do laundry , organize things , scrub the bathroom . I did it with a phone pressed to my ear , catching up with an old friend . It feels like forever since we 've had time to visit , and it was nice . There was a lot of laughter . Today , I will work all day , but tomorrow , I have a Sunday off . Tim and I have plans for a lazy day , church and then a trip to pick up some parts to fix his poor deer damaged Mustang . We will take the long way home . Hopefully , I 'll be able to stay awake . I really just feel like I could lay down and sleep for a week . Last night , I woke up and my back hurt so badly , I couldn 't get comfortable to doze off again . Winter is here . I drove through a sleet storm to get to school yesterday , and it sleeted once again while I was house cleaning . The cold weather really aggravates my bones . But I have Sunday off , and I 'll dress warmly , and Tim and I will have a pleasant day , just the two of us . No books . No worries . Just us . Yesterday was a very nice day . I started the day pooped . I mean , I didn 't go to bed until almost midnight , and then I just laid awake repeating things in my head for quite some time . When I did fall asleep , I woke back up pretty quickly over and over , with the recurring thought that I 'd overslept and was late . I know that I 'm an idiot when it comes to school . I am not a confident student , and I also am very fond of A 's . So I doubt myself , I study , I shoot for the A , I never feel like I 'm ready , it is a cycle . As BB pointed out yesterday , going to college with me is a real emotional roller coaster . I got to school early yesterday . I was tired , and I wanted to leave myself extra time to get a cup of coffee from the cafeteria . On the way back through , one of the women who had been in our study group said , " We 're covering stuff one last time , " and so I joined them , and then we walked to the test like we were being marched to the electric chamber . One of the benefits of group studies is that you realize ( in my case , for the first time ) that none of us are real confident . We all feel like we are drowning . They are throwing one project after another at us , and someone commented that it was to weed the slackers and the people that can 't cut it out of the program right away . It made sense . Two people have left already . In any case , after the test , John was in the hall with a sick expression on his face . He doesn 't think that he did well . That surprised me . In the study group , he knew his stuff . I , myself , thought it was surprisingly easy . That doesn 't mean , however , that I was putting down the right answers . I don 't know . It just seemed easy to me . John has test anxiety though , and he 's never happy with his test grades . Then Mindy came along with a worried look . And Kim . Soon , we were all congregated in the hall , and I was saying , " Well , I think you 're going to find out that the teachers are right when they say that we know more than we think we do . " We were not supposed to be back to class until 12 : 30 , and we had a couple Posted by I was just about sick over that test . I did okay . I really think that I did okay . Maybe even well . Boy . Talk about a ton off my mind . Posted by Have you ever just wanted a day to be done , with all your heart ? At the same time , you don 't want to be done with your coffee , because that will mean that you have to get up from your chair and get the day started . Really . I just am not confident about this material . I am not seeing how it fits together , what the purpose of it is . I have this idea that if I organize the material , it will make sense to me , but you know , I tried that . I tried to organize it , and I couldn 't . By the time that I was done , it made less sense to me than it did when I started even . Young Girl sat in on our study group . I was surprised to see her , because the group project had been so traumatic , for all of us , I suppose . But I saw her walking to our table , and was surprised that more than half the group muttered , " Oh , gees , it too late to hide ? " I mean , she was a major problem in the project . Major . But she 's not a problem in the classroom , really . She is vague and asks off - the - wall questions sometimes , that 's all . We got the use of a conference room , and that was nice , because we were able to shut the door , talk in normal voices , and we had a white board to diagram long term goals and short term objectives . At one point , everyone was calling out answers to a question John had asked , and Young Girl said , sweetly smiling . ' We could make a story , you know , about going to the ball field , I don 't know , some sporting event or something , and then we . . . ' And people were staring at her as she wandered off . We were afraid to follow for fear we would get lost too . I 'd sat at the far end of the table , with my chair turned sideways so that I could hear everyone , and I watched this tableaux . Young Girl looked around and said , " Why is it , when I talk , it is met with dead silence ? " And she smiled sweetly . Someone said , " Because I never understand what you 're trying to say . " Someone else said , " When you talk , I need to process it . " From my own corner , I sat quietly and watched . I felt really sorry for her , and I wanted to say something afterwards , but I didPosted by Today I went to school early , to get some study time in for this midterm tomorrow . I only had one class , Life Span , and this class kind of puzzles me . I feel like I have a good grasp of the material . I feel confident . I don 't feel as if I am struggling with the tests . But I can 't seem to function any higher than a ' B ' in that class . It surprises me . I don 't think it is a difficult class , but I 'm unable to get my ' A ' . I 'm getting better though . I am no longer disappointed in a ' B ' . It 's not a bad grade . Speaking with one of my classmates today , he was frustrated at his grades as well . He 's a smart guy . He seems to understand , as far as I can tell from his classroom discussion , but both his test scores are in the 60s , and he 's pretty aggravated . This afternoon , a bunch of us got together and studied for that midterm test , about eight of us . It was helpful , I think . We 're all wrecks . We 're all nervous . We 'll all do our best , and I 'm telling you all right now , if I get a B in this , well , I won 't be disappointed at all . At work tonight , I was processing a check and shockingly , the machine ate it . Chewed it right up . The man quietly said , " Well , let me run out to the truck and get my check book . Just ring these folks up . " So I did . He came back in with his check book and went to the back of the line . " No , Mr . W , you come to the front of the line . " " No , " he said . " I 'll wait . That way I 'm not holding these folks up , if the machine decides to eat my check again . " And even though the nice folks in line urged him to go ahead , he insisted on waiting . When it was his turn , I rang him up , and this time the machine processed his check without eating it . I told him that I truly appreciated his graciousness . He looked surprised and said , " If a person can 't handle a little thing like this without getting mad , well , I say he 's got a real problem . " He right . But I didn 't bother to point out that there 's a lot of people in this world that have a real problem . I saw Merrill 's mama today . She was in buying a bigger cage for her spoiled chPosted by Well , yesterday is yesterday , and today I 'm studying for the midterm . I 'm looking at this stuff and trying to put it all together in my head . It is the first test we 've had in this class , and the first test I 've had from this particular teacher , so there are a lot of unknowns here . Yesterday , I felt competent and smart . Today , however , I feel as if I set my smarts down someplace and promptly forgot where I put them . Eee . Today , I got a test back with a thrilling 97 % at the top of it . I took a unit test for another class , and I think that I did well on that too . I am preparing for a mid - term on Thursday which has me bug - eyed with terror . As I was copying some material , a young girl from my class stood by . We talked . She admitted that she 's terrified about this test as well . " Let 's study together at the library tomorrow after our LifeSpan class , " I suggested . " We 'll pass the word . Who ever wants to join us for a few hours can . " And she accepted readily , relieved . I was just as relieved as she was , truth be told . Later , I scooted out to my truck to drop off my bookbag , and I heard the sound of a bird call behind me . Surprised , I turned to see a tall smiling young man from one of my classes last spring . " How are you ? " he hailed me . And we talked , because I 've only seen him a couple times this semester . I walked to my next class in the unseasonably warm and cloudy October day , and I loved this place in life that I am . Everyone was quite interested in how I could know what search words were being used as my blog was searched yesterday . No . I 'm not a ' tech - savvy person ' , as Jenny thought . I even boggled Mikey 's mind . True confession time : I actually did not know that I could do this until yesterday . See that globe in my side bar ? It tells where all of you are from . If I click on the last button in the second row , it takes me to another screen . I knew that I could see what posts people were reading . What I did not realize , until yesterday , was that I could see , if someone was searching my blog , what words they were entering . I ' watched ' this person type in a word , and then be directed to a handful of blog posts . Not finding what they were looking for , they 'd type in something else , and be directed yet again . I followed them around the blog for a while . It was a truly strange experience , like standing around a corner , watching a stranger poke through your home . * sigh * So , friends , it was not magic , and it wasn 't even being ' tech savvy ' . It was just one of those amazing coincidences . In any case , it caused me to think about the things that I put out there , and how that information could be exploited if someone is trying to use it in a bad way . Initially , it came as a bit of a shock , but I decided that really , it is what it is . If someone doesn 't like you , they 'll use whatever they can to inflict whatever damage they can . My words are my words . I am what I am . I 'm no more imperfect than anyone else . I realize that as I type these words , I believe them , which , for a person of low self esteem , is a pretty big deal . I have a test this morning , so I 've got to hit the road early . I don 't feel well prepared for this test . I spent time studying , but I also had homework to get done . There really is a lot of work this semester , and I 'm a bit overwhelmed . Every little project I get done makes me feel better . We are on the down hill slide of it , and I am glad . I 'm not sure when the final day of class is for Christmas break , but I 'm looking forwaPosted by Today , I followed a reader from the Gerry , New York area . The person was searching my blog . I watched the words that s / he entered , and I realized that this person was not my friend . That is a strange feeling , like having a stranger poking through your house . Today , a customer came into the store . I was just heading back to get some lunch and study , and I heard my name . I turned around , and an elderly woman came up to me . She had knitted me a scarf , a pink , wooley thing to keep me warm in the winter . The idea that someone who is virtually a stranger to me sat at home by herself knitting a scarf and thinking of me . . . well . . . isn 't that just the very sweetest thing you 've ever heard ? I love that . I gave her a big hug . It seems to go like that , doesn 't it ? No matter how rough life gets , it has sweetness . It has bright spots . I 'm lucky . I 'm so very lucky . Friday , at the Cancer Center , I had my blood work done and settled in to assemble study notes for a test . I listened to a group of women talk . The 90 year old woman talked about the secret of her young looking skin , and how one of her girls had sent a picture of her in to the company who manufactures her skin care line . She received a box of products . She sighed , " But my skin is ruined now , " and everyone assured her that it was not . ( It wasn 't either . ) They sat and visited and talked about their children , and their jobs , and the grandson who wanted to be a wine expert , and Italian recipes . The doctor son who is flying in from Minnesota . One woman from Philadelphia was home for a visit . " There 's nothing left , " she said , and she 's right . A lot of factories are gone . A lot of the young people have left the area . I think of my own kids , and I keep my head down and my nose in my book . The women talk on about our town . " There 's no place to shop here , " they complained . " The mall is nothing . If you want to shop you have to drive to Erie . " These seemed like very nice women . Don 't get me wrong . I just found myself wondering what it would be like to live in a world where the only thing that mattered is convenient shopping . Tim found out that he will , like as not , be laid off again . Financially , we can make it , but losing insurance again . . . I guess that I am discouraged right now . Heading off to work when I should be headed off to church ? That doesn 't help . I saw a woman with bouncy smooth glossy hair . Mine is never going to be like that again . I 've accepted that truth . I tried to let it grow a little longer but it just turned into a bushy shapeless mess . So I got it cut off . I 'm trying to be practical . I mean , at this point , I 'm glad to have hair . If I need to wear it short , well that 's not the worst thing that could happen . I keep telling myself this stuff , and I 'd made my peace with it . I thought . Until today , when I saw a woman with reddish hair , shiny and glossy , a perfect page boy . It bounced as she walked , and she carelessly tucked it behind her ear as she talked . I thought I was okay with the hair thing . But maybe not . You know , here 's a site that needs to be publicized . You know those e - mails you get ? Like I got one from ' Anita ' just today . Subject line : ' Anita awaits your urgently reply . ' I didn 't open it , just deleted it from my spam account . I knew what it was . Basically the person involved will be either a ) some high ranking govt . figure , b ) some Godly missionary or c ) a dying Godly person . What they have in common is that they have a huge amount of money some place that they cannot get to . What they have in common is that they have , out of all the people in the world , chosen YOU to help them , and to share in this fortune . Yeah . And I 've got some oceanfront property in Pennsylvania to sell you . Ann apparently hates spammers as much she hate pink , and posted this link . It 's a good one . Check it out . That 's the ' spam ' portion . The ' egg ' portion is about a hatched one . A woman came in the store the other day , looking for shavings . I told her that we had pine shavings out front , $ 5 . 99 . She looked , and said , " I don 't need that many shavings . " I sent her on back to where we keep the smaller bags of stuff that people use for their guinea pigs , or ferrets , or the like . She came up to the counter , and she mentioned that she saw some small cages that she liked , but they were too expensive . I asked her what sort of critter she had , and she said , " A chicken . " Went on to say that he 'd gotten a little spoiled . " His name is Merrill , " she said , " Because we kept him in a Merrill boot box at first . " Merrill , it turns out , is the sole survivor of a vicious fox massacre . A young ball of fluff , he was carefully placed in the boot box , and kept in a corner of the kitchen where he quickly became the apple of everyone 's eye . Merrill has grown , and is now sprouting feathers . He is afraid of the dark , and has to have a night light . He also has a special fondness for ' books on tape . ' When the reading starts , he settles himself atop of the stuffed chicken in his cage and listens intently , cocking his head and issuing quiet little peeps as the story unfPosted by It 's done . My gosh , what a stressful day . I got to school at 8 to rehearse , and no one was there . They met somewhere else . It was probably a good thing . When I walked to class , one of the revampers rushed by me and said , " We fixed everything . We were up until 12 : 30 . " I said , " I sent the rough draft to everyone on the 13th . You told me it looked great and thanked me for doing it . ' Young Girl ' did not bother to reply at all . To decide it was unacceptable after it had been printed off and submitted to the professors was unfair . To make those changes last night , hours before the presentation , unfair . To make those changes without any input from 1 / 2 the group , unfair . " They will not back down . They were right . They saved us , and we are ungrateful . K . and I had a chance to talk after the presentation . We left campus and went out to pick up her daughter at the babysitter 's house , and drop her off at school . She was still mad . Mostly because the other two members of the team keep trying to talk to her as if nothing is wrong . ( I sit on the other side of the classroom . ) In any case , she told them , " Listen , I 'm really upset , and I just don 't want to make small talk right now . I need time to process this . " Her comment was met with huffs and eyerolls . I 'm still mad myself , truth be told , but I said to her , " It 's done . We did all right , despite the problems , I think . We will spend a lot of time with these women in the classroom setting for the next couple years . We need to take a deep breath and move on . Some people just wait until the 13th hour to pull it all together . That 's way out of our comfort zone . We just know who we cannot work with on these sorts of projects . " She heaved a quavering sigh . " I know , " she said , " but this was so stressful , and it didn 't have to be . " She 's right . So we endured . We got through it . We were assigned another group project today . I swear to you , I am strongly considering working alone . The thing that bothers me is that today the teachers made a startling announcement . The fact of it is that you Posted by This group project is crazy . Completely crazy . Two of us have been working very hard on this from the beginning . The other two miss deadlines , don 't understand , etc . Now these two have taken it upon themselves to redo the everything . We sent it to the professor this afternoon . Now , 9 hours before the presentation , they are changing everything . At 10 PM , the other worker in the group called me in tears . I tried to be as soothing as I could , but really , the fact that these two have taken upon themselves to change everything with no input from the group is horrible . This afternoon , as I was leaving one of them said , " Can you talk longer ? Young Girl doesn 't have enough information to fill her full 3 1 / 2 minutes . " I stared . I 'm supposed to rewrite my whole thing at the last minute because someone hasn 't done their part ? I took a deep breath . " No , " I said . " I won 't . " I looked at Young Girl . " I strongly suggest that you spend tonight doing some research . " I left . Tonight on the phone , I told a sobbing K . , who takes her grades every bit as seriously as I do , that I 'm sure that the teachers would be able to tell who was prepared , and who wasn 't . The fact that two members were revamping everything after the group had submitted our stuff earlier in the afternoon will be obvious . " All we can do is be prepared to do our part , as was arranged weeks ago . It 's going to be okay , " I soothed . " I 'm sure the teachers have seen situations like this before . They 'll know . " Man . I hope I 'm right . Dear Teacher : I was 8 minutes late for school on test day for the following reason . I was driving to school and I saw this field full of seagulls . A flock of seagulls . And the song " I Ran " began running through my head , and so I glanced over at the clock on the dash , and I had 10 minutes , so I pulled into the parking lot to take pictures of the flock of seagulls . And then I drove on to school , and I got out of the truck , and ambled in , because I still had time . Only to discover that I was 8 minutes late . The clock on the truck was wrong , which I didn 't realize it because I don 't drive it unless I have to , but I had to because remember how Tim was driving the Mustang and a deer jumped in front of him ? Well , he was driving the back up car and a deer came off the bank and by the time that I saw her , she was already headed straight into the windshield . I ducked and covered my face . When I saw the windshield bowing in under the weight of the deer , I thought I would wind up with it in my lap , so I lay down and covered my head . Nothing else to do . Tim managed to keep the car on the road , amazingly , but it 's totalled ( it 's the blue car from this story , so it 's not much of a loss ) . So now I 'm driving the unfamiliar truck and did not realize the clock was wrong because my watch band broke while I was stocking the pop cooler at work , and I haven 't replaced it yet . And that 's why I was late for school . Do I need to get my mama to sign this ? Please God . Let this group project end . And let me get a decent grade . And please remind me when Young Girl says , with sincere eyes , " Really . Tell me what you think , " remind me , oh God , that she doesn 't really want to know what I think . And if You have to clap Your Almighty Hand across my mighty mouth , You just go on ahead . Amen . You know , there 's a ton of stories I don 't tell . I think the world is a hard enough place without dwelling on the darkness of it . This is a story that I glimpsed , and it 's rather caught my imagination . It probably shouldn 't , but I wonder about it . There is a man who comes in the store . He is a big guy , and he obviously has money . He carries himself as if he is an important man . He talks like a man who expects to be listened to . He 's never been unpleasant , and he seems to know everyone he encounters . He stops and talks with them all . The woman who is with him is much younger . She 's not a child , don 't get me wrong . Closing in on 40 , probably . Her voice is rough and raspy . Her face shows signs of heavy tanning . She 's not pretty , but she hasn 't figured that out . The thing is , she dresses like a young girl , in short shorts , and form fitting things . She wears her hair in a top knot . Her behavior is almost manic . She cannot stop talking and clutching on to the old man . She is flirty and loud , and fidgets constantly , dancing around him as she speaks , talking about the meals she 's going to cook for him , the honeys and the babys flowing fast and furious , a regular tidal wave of crooning endearments . The man is expansive and generous with her . She eyeballed a high ticket appliance as she waited in line , and he bought it for her , immediately . Oh , she was excited then , and her face grew dramatic as she smacked her lips and gushed about all the special foods she was going to make for him . She interrupted herself to dance around clutching at her leg , moaning about her sciatica . She bent over , stretching her legs . The entire line watched , fascinated . She stood up , stretching languidly in front of the old man , promising him a jalapeno dish , promising him hot stuff . The man 's response was ' aw , that ain 't nothing , baby ' . He was spending big money . He was spending it because his baby wanted something . He was spending it because he could , and he wanted everyone in the store to know that he could . " You put a sold sign on that , " he said toPosted by Today , I studied for a unit test . Today , I finished my research paper . Today , I wrote two more short papers , one on a current event , another on an essay about ' Kaffir Boy ' , a book which turned out to be a paradigm shift for me when I was 11 . This essay was written by the author himself , Mark Mathabane , in response to the discovery that his book was assigned reading in many classrooms , but was being read in a censored version . It was a brutal book about a terrible time , but the words in that book changed my thinking forever . I don 't believe one word of it should be changed , or omitted . ' Let he who has eyes see . ' Writing the article took me back to a late night at my grandmother 's house . I 'd read the book in a quiet corner of the house as the grownups talked in the kitchen . I was surprised at how vivid those memories were . It was a pleasant writing , as I sorted through my memories . Today I made two quiches for supper . It 's been a time since I 've done something besides hurriedly slap something on the table . Tim was surprised . I 'm headed to bed now . I 've got a lot on my plate tomorrow , but I can tell you that I am ahead of the game at this point . We 'll have a nice supper of leftover quiche tomorrow . I 'm handing in work early . I am again regaining my footing . I am regaining my confidence . One day at a time , I 'm making progress . Feels good . Really good . While I was at work on Saturday , Tim was running a few errands . He saw a guy who looked familiar , although he couldn 't place him . Although the fellow did not stop in his conversation , he really gave Tim a long look . Tim heard part of discussion . The familiar looking guy was explaining to someone that the doctor had just doubled his anti - anxiety medication . Tim continued on his way , still trying to place the fellow . Later as Tim was headed across the parking lot , he saw that man again , getting into his car , and this time , the familiar looking fellow called out : " So , how 's your wife doing ? " he asked , and Tim answered back , " She 's doing well . Busy . Working . Writing . Going to school . " Although Tim never did figure out who the man was , we must have crossed paths with them during the whole cancer thing . The man looked at Tim and said , " How can you stand it ? Don 't you get worried that she 'll get cancer again ? Aren 't you afraid ? " Tim was relating that story to me . He stopped right there . I said , " What did you say to him ? " and he looked at me , uncertainly . " I didn 't know what to say , " he said . " I didn 't say anything . " Cancer may hit one person , but the fallout affects everyone . Sometimes that 's easy to forget . Today , a couple came up to the counter with a piece of equipment that I was unfamiliar with , but I scanned the bar code and rang it up . $ 6 . 35 . I took the money and briefly chit chatted , and they left . Wasn 't long before they were back in , holding their receipt and the part . " Uh - oh , " I said . " What happened ? Was the part wrong , or the cashier wrong ? " They said that I 'd made a mistake . I sure did . The part was actually three separate pieces . I 'd only scanned the bar code on the end piece . When they took it apart , I realized that each part had its own code . The other two pieces were $ 9 . 00 each . I thanked them profusely . The man said , " I thought at first the part was a lot cheaper than I thought . But when I looked at the receipt , I realized what had happened . I should have taken the thing apart when I came up to the counter . " You know , those people could have gotten a $ 25 . part for $ 6 . 35 . But they came back . They made it right . Gotta tell you . Every time something like that happens , it gives me hope for this world . Funny story ? There 's this old fellow who comes into the store . He 's a corker . He was returning something , and I had to get the manager to do it because he doesn 't have his receipt . So I called for Ike , and I asked the customer to step to the side so that I could continue to wait on customers . He stepped to the side with a grin , but said , in a mournful voice , " Story of my life . I 'm always coming in second . " I squinted at him , puzzled . " Second ? Really ? You come in second ? That surprises me . Gees . We 've all been calling you a loser . " The line howled and so did he . Well . Now I 've got homework . This is not getting it done . Oy . Today was hopping busy . Hopping . Not that we mind . But it was hopping . Anyway , this woman came in . I 've never seen her before , but she had a sweet face , lined , a weary face , really . Her hands were as calloused as any man 's hands I 've ever seen . She was a farmer , and she smelled of barn , and cows , and sweaty hard work . She bought some farm supplies , but she also bought a horse , a Breyer horse , Christmas edition , a sparkly , spangly collector 's item . " Oh , this is pretty , " I said , holding it up to get a better look . " I imagine some little girl is going to be thrilled to pieces on Christmas morning ! " and she smiled , and for a moment her face was not weary . " My granddaughter , " and she picked up her bags . " I 've got to get home . I got chores to do , and I need to hide this in a good place first so 's that girl doesn 't find it . " I repeated that I thought her grand - daughter would be thrilled with it , and thanked her for stopping in . I watched her . I don 't believe that she 's any older than me , but she walked out the door with the steps of an old , old woman . I watched her thoughtfully . She was buying a thing of beauty for her grand daughter 's Christmas , hiding it in a secret place . I imagined her taking it out to smile at it and imagine the coming Christmas . I found myself saying a little prayer for her , hoping with all of my heart , that there was someone in this woman 's life who bought beautiful things for her , and hid them away thinking how delighted she would be to receive them , this hard working woman with the thick yellow nails and the calloused , dirty hands . In class yesterday , we briefly discussed our powerpoint assignments . It is a group project , and my group is made up of three . . . er . . . mature women , and one young girl . I 'm not trying to imply that Young Girl is immature , and really , our group is quite lucky to have her , because she knows the computer inside and out . The rest of us ? Well , remember that when we were in high school , there were no computers . Quite a difference . No . " Young Girl " is a very welcome addition to our group . Our problem with Young Girl is that she is very sweet , extremely vague . Very intelligent , but she has a tendency to talk on , and you listen , carefully , and still cannot figure out what she is trying to say . Part of it is all the ' you knows ' and ' like ' and other ' filler ' words that have little meaning . She is sweet though . My ( our ) main issue with Young Girl is that we have a 15 minute presentation . We each must speak . Which gives us less than 3 . 5 minutes to make our portion of the presentation . Young Girl feels that we should feel free to interrupt each other with pertinent information . The three of us have said quite firmly that this would be unprofessional . It would also disrupt the flow of thought . It would also take away from the speaker 's precious few minutes . It is a group project , and majority rules , we said . So there will be no interruptions . Young Girl says " Well , you can interrupt me too , " or " This will add interest to our presentation . " In other words , she 's going to do what she 's going to do , and it doesn 't matter what we think . Young Girl never stops smiling sweetly . So yesterday , we were discussing the presentations , people in the classroom just asking general sorts of questions . I don 't know if it were right or wrong , but I just asked it , just a general question , not pointing any fingers . " Would you say that it is a good idea for a group to interrupt each other as they give their presentation , to add pertinent information ? " The answer came back ' no ' . Young Girl raised her hand . " I think it would be a way to add interest to ouPosted by I don 't often miss television , but I would have liked to have seen some of that rescue of the Chilean miners . That was pretty awesome . I wrote a paper at the library today . I went to class , I went to work . Remember that fellow with no legs I told you about before ? He was back in the store today . I hailed him . " Long time , no see ! Since the last thing you told me was that you were heading out to see what trouble you could find , well , I figured you found some . " He thought that was funny stuff . He claims that he doesn 't have to actually look for trouble . It generally looks him up . He talked as I rang up his purchases . About the cold weather ( " Course , it doesn 't really matter . I wear shorts all year round , " and he laughed loud at his own joke . He told me about his birthday . He 's going to be 69 . ( He doesn 't look it , either . ) He headed for the door calling back , " If you can 't stay out of trouble , well , just don 't blame it on me . " I called right back , " If I find trouble , I 'm pretty sure you 'd be close by . " I heard him still laughing as he went out the door . I marvel at his amazing good humor , and I am ashamed my own gloomy mood these past few days . I came home and got my homework . I took an online exam . I got 100 % on medical terminology . I did not expect to have the results immediately , but I submitted the test , and there was my grade . I got myself organized after I just about drove myself nuts looking for an assignment . I thought was due tomorrow . It is not due until the 28th . That was a relief . Now , I 'm talking to you good folks . Really , what I ought to be doing is heading to bed . In thinking it over , I believe that I will ! Good night ! I 've been thinking a lot about that presentation . I know that part of it is that I am a bit of a perfectionist , and I do not like myself very much when I do not meet my own standards . Immature , probably , but it 's my nature . Funny thing is that if I met my self , feeling like a failure , agonizing about what I shoulda , coulda , woulda done differently , I 'd be the first one to try to soothe the person . " You worked hard on this . You tried . Learn from it so that if you do it again , you 'll be better at it . Or , if you never do it again , that 's okay too . You tried . " That 's what I 'd be saying to myself . October is a challenging time of the year for me . There are reminders that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month . Everywhere you look , there are pink ribbons and pink merchandise . Even the comic section was pink , with pink ribbons every where . Hundreds of times , I think " Oh , yeah . I had breast cancer . . . " and it surprises me a little . I guess my point is this . I wrote a column on breast cancer . I did so last year as well , and I think that it is important , to urge women to be vigilent about their health . Also , I 'm so eternally indebted to so many kind people . It is a chance to acknowledge , again , the kindness of those days . That presentation , though , that was different . I thought the talk would be maybe a half hour or so . It never entered my mind that I 'd be talking for 1 hour and 45 minutes . I realized that I would have to lengthen that talk . I went back through my blog for more material . I found it , of course , but it was also quite unnerving to be rereading those days . Reading about the day that I cut my hair off , alone in my bathroom on Thanksgiving morning . About the neupogen shots ( I reckoned that there were 54 of them . Probably more , though . At one point , I seem to remember that I was on a 10 day stretch , and then it got cut back . There were stories that went with people that are no longer of this world , and that made me a little sad reading those . There were frustrating times too , and I still don 't understand some of those Posted by Yesterday , I saw an old acquaintance . I called out her name in delight , and she was glad to see me . In fact , I think that she may have come to the store to see me . We had a nice talk . She wanted to tell me how glad she was to see that I have moved past cancer , how well I looked . I worked on after she left , thinking about it . Maybe the fact of it is simple . I 'm not a good person to speak for one hour and forty five minutes on cancer because I 'm not ' there ' any more . I don 't know . Last night , I whipped out a quick post , and I went to bed . Redlefty 's comment was waiting for me this morning , and it was a shocker . No . Actually , I did not connect the dots , and I doubt seriously that , left to my own devices , I would have . I find myself wondering if that is the way of it ? That we look at everybody else and see something special , but do not see it in ourselves ? Is that the way we 're designed ? Or is it just me ? Redlefty generally gives me a lot to think about . I 'll be considering his comment for some time . This is not getting me out the door . I 've been writing this presentation , and it is printing out , even as we speak . I have spent a lot of time rereading blog posts , putting it all together . My thoughts . How I felt . How Tim felt . Our struggle . I am grateful to Mikey , that she nagged me into blogging . It is good to have that record . I 'm a pretty decent writer , because my own words made it very , very real . Today , Tim and I went to Tractor Supply . I bought a copper birdfeeder for Mary and Danny , and 40 lbs of sunflower seed . I got her a thank you card . We drove up and dropped the things off . She and Danny were surprised . " What 's that for , " they asked . And I said to them , " I 've been thinking about two Octobers ago , and I am so grateful to you . I just wanted you to know how grateful we are to you for your friendship during that hard time . " And after all these years , neither one of them feel that they 'd done anything special . Today in church , I looked around , and I remembered how everyone had gathered around me during that hard time . During public prayer , a time when we offer up our joys and concerns , I told them that they were a remarkable church . They didn 't think they 'd done anything special either . This week , I 'll touch base with new Mary , to thank her for everything she 's been to me , but I already know . She won 't think she did anything special . I 'm surrounded by special people , and not one of them can see it . Tomorrow , I 'll give those presentations . I cannot imagine that my experience is any different from any other woman who has dealt with the same thing . I can 't imagine that I have any new wisdom . Any wisdom at all , actually . I should have told the organizer no . I 'll be glad when this is over and done with . Good night . Today , I went to work . Someone was sick , so I worked 12 hours . The extra money will be nice . I don 't mind long days , and really , time flew by . It was a busy day , and it was fun , as always . I got called into the office which always makes me a little nervous , but the manager wanted to give me my 90 day evaluation . I got good marks / meets expectations in all areas but one . The area about cooperation , being a team player , getting along with people and being customer oriented , stuff like that . I got above average / exceeds expectations . And then Mark said the very nicest thing . He said , " It was meant to be that you came to work for us . I consider you a God - incident . " Isn 't that nice ? You know , I really do enjoy working there , and to know that they enjoy having me work there . . . well , how nice is that ? Today , a man came into the store . His wife walked behind him . As soon as I saw the look in the wife 's eyes , I knew it . Alzheimer 's . That blank look . Their eyes all look the same . Her husband talked , and the wife stood there . I gave her a quick smile , and she smiled back . I spoke to her , and the husband said , right away , " She 's got that dee - mentia . That 's an awful thing , that dee - mentia . " And I agreed with him . It 's an awful thing alright . " She goes with me , where ever I go , " and he began to push the cart towards the door . His wife stood at the counter watching him go . She held up her hands , and began to talk . " I live in that place . You know , up there . Oh . . . . " and she looked frustrated . And I said , " You mean Lakewood ? " and she said , happily , " Yes . That 's it . " Her husband had told me . Her husband called from the door . " Come on . You 're with me , " and she looked at him confused . " Let 's go home , " he repeated . And she patted my arm , and smiled sweetly and followed him . Yeah . That dee - mentia is an awful thing . Today sucked . It began early . I began to print out some study guides that I needed for an online class . I ran out of paper . So I left the house early , and printed out the things that I needed for the online test . I went to my one class . I went to the library and began dutifully typing out one of my papers . I had a 1 PM meeting with another student for a group project . I tried to print my paper , but it would not print . It kept telling me that it was saved to something called ' One Note ' . Finally , I just saved the document and fled to the conference room for my meeting , figuring to print it out later . This group project will be the death of me . I 'm trying to explain that a power point should be like the key points , and pictures , an accent to the speaking . The youngest member of the group is adament that the power point contain all the things we will be saying so that we can read from it . We 've got the most verbose power point ever , and I tried to patiently explain that the power point was meant to be used like a ' highlighter ' . " Um , " she said , " I 've seen it done both ways , actually . " So she went on adding words . I sat there . " So , what do you think ? " she said , turning her powerbook to me . What am I supposed to say . Then she tells me that she doesn 't like her speaking part . Do I like mine ? ( What ? LIKE IT ? What 's that got to do with it ? ) I say to her very patiently , " Well , if you would like my part , you can take my notes , and I 'll do your part . " Well , " she says , " it 's just that I 'm not really comfortable and I really don 't have a lot of experience with this material , and so I don 't really feel like I ought to be speaking on it . . . " and then she began trailing off , " But , you know , so I guess that I will do whatever . . . . you know ? " ( What ? ) I say to her , I guess you 'll have to tell me exactly what you are looking for here , because I don 't understand what you are telling me . Do you want my part ? " " No , that 's not what I 'm saying , you know , it 's just that , I don 't really have a lot of knowledge about this . . . " Me : " About what ? " Her : Posted by This morning , I am grateful to Tim . Before school , he bought a printer that works on the new computer . We had our old computer and old printer ( off line ) , which I used for writing papers . The new computer had internet access but we did not have a printer for it . I am so grateful for that printer , and for the husband who saw it as a necessity , because . . . well . . . it IS ! That being said , let me head off to college . I 've run out of paper . ( AGAIN . ) * grumble . mumble . Much rolling of eyes . * Now I lay me down to sleep , If I don 't die before I wake , Please God , let me wake up to be a excellent power point maker with great computer skills . Oh . And an organized non - ADD mind would be a blessing . I would like to get three major papers written tomorrow , so I 'm also asking for a miracle , God , because I 'm starting to get scared . And while I 'm praying , please God , let me do well on the test tomorrow , and also on the Online Vocab test which goes up on Sunday . And if You could do something about this upset stomach and matching headache , I 'd be much obliged . And a photographic memory . A photographic memory would be a big help . Amen . And a maid . A maid would be good . Amen . Who cooks . A maid who cooks . Amen . Larry stopped in the store last night . I met him and his wife a couple years back . Larry had dealt with cancer himself and both he and Cheryl followed my story in the paper . I was working in a swamp one day when a woman approached . I shut off the back pack sprayer prepared to deal with a complaint . " Are you Debby - - - - - ? " she asked . Cautiously , I answered , " Yes . " " My husband has bought a book for you , and the package arrived last night . I can 't believe that I 've run into you today to tell you . " And it did seem fortuitous . It did seem like one of those moments when you are comfortably settled in the hand of God Almighty Himself . That very night they stopped by the house with Randy Pausch 's " The Last Lecture " , neatly inscribed " Remember yesterday . Cherish today . Pray for tomorrow . " Good advice . Then and now . Now all these months later , both us visited in the store , both of us strong and healthy again . We chatted a while , and he said that he was very moved by the story of our latest tenant . " I love your stories , " he said . And then suddenly : " You know , I wish there were more people in the world like you and Tim . " There are , Larry . You and Cheryl are two of them . Reporting up front to take over cashiering duty from Al , I was delighted to see that he was waiting on Sheila , an old work friend . She and I chatted briefly , bringing each other up to speed on our lives . Another customer asked my opinion on a pair of jeans and two new shirts . He works with younger people who have been teasing him about how he dressed . " You be stylin ' , man , " I assured him . A mother and her son checked out with boots . She complained that he outgrew them before he wore them out , and I remembered those years with Dylan . Later on , another customer said , " I know who you are . I love your articles in the paper , and sometimes I read them and think about calling you , just to talk . " I told her to feel free to do just that . A customer needed pellets for her wood stove , so I called back to tell Jeremy we needed a new pallet brought in with the fork truck . " It 's Posted by Kelly put up a post over on her blog about how educational it is to read blogs . Jees , Kelly . I haven 't even told you about Chicken Poop yet . Our new tenant seems to have settled in nicely . When I got home from work on Saturday , Tim had our truck pulled up to the door . Our tenant waved from the back . They were loading the truck with things for his new home . One of the benefits of having a big house is that we had a bed that we would not miss . A wing chair . A small table . A folding table and two chairs to fill in for a temporary kitchen table . Other things found their way on to the truck as well . Bedding and pillows and my old set of pots and pans . We even have an extra microwave . ( How did we end up with such an embarrassing excess of stuff ? ) This young man had no shoes , just a pair of flip flops . His sneakers had fallen apart walking to work in the rain . His feet are larger than any of the feet in our house , so Tim quietly put the word out at church to some men of the big footed persuasion , and the story went round like wildfire . Money was pressed into his hand , money enough for a sturdy pair of hiking boots as well as a pair of waterproof boots with removable felt liners for this winter , so that his new shoes would not be ruined in the snow . Socks , too , and the boy fingered the socks , telling Tim over and over , " I 've never seen socks like these . " And my gruff Tim said , " Those are work socks and they 'll keep your feet comfortable . " He had the boy pick out sandwich makings so that he would have something in the refrigerator to get him through until payday . Even with all of that , there was still $ 48 left over , which we planned to put towards a warm coat for him . But no . A coat was donated , a new one , with a removable liner . Gloves and a hat , too , everything matching . Today , I received another call . Someone had replaced their dinnerware , and offered up their old corelle ware ( a complete and matching set , including the serving bowls and platters and casserole dishes and the like ) as well as their old set of flatware . And the boy himself is shyly excited about all of this too . He went out on his own the first morning in his new home . He went to garage sales aPosted by You know what ? My copy and paste isn 't working any more ! What 's up with that ? I need my copy and paste . Anyway , head over to The Novel Woman . Her friend KC Dyer is giving away a copy of her new book . Big day at school today . Going to try to knock out the biggest share of one of my biggest reports this afternoon in the library . I had an e - mail exchange with the woman who 's organizing the teacher 's ' professional day ' . She says the slots for my presentation are filling up quickly . This actually shocked me . I haven 't got my presentations finished yet . There 's so much . I 've written the lead - in , setting the scene . Talking about the surprise of it , and the first frightening weeks when everything moved so quickly that Tim and I fell out of sync with each other ( which made it very much worse . . . and which is , as I discovered , very much the norm for couples ) as well as the sheer unreality of the time . It was a major adjustment for the whole family . I thought then that I 'd grab a half dozen blog posts that really captured the emotions during treatment . Wind up with some brief comments on how to be helpful which will dovetail nicely with how NOT to be helpful , and then talk about being an ordinary woman who was careless about screenings because she considered herself to be healthy , with no alarming family history . Then I will provide material for them to pick up . And pray like crazy that this will take up one hour and forty five minutes . Coffee 's done , and I need to get a move on . Well , I had a nice sleep last night , and that made up for the whole bad day at work . Some days are like that , I know . People bring their dogs into Tractor Supply . Sunday is a big day for pet sales . People come in and buy their dog food and dog treats for the week . I sold a whole bunch of bully sticks . Don 't ask . Oh , please . Don 't ask . But some folks did , and I had no idea how to answer the question without wandering into a whole area that I did not want to head . So I looked square at them and said , " Don 't ask . Oh , please . Don 't ask . " Which caused them to pick one up out of curiosity , and then they 'd read the package and burst out laughing . The men were buying them to give to their friends . Oy . Men are sick and twisted creatures . Probably was a man that came up with the idea for bully sticks . That 's what I think , anyway . Anyways , they were our ' item of the day ' , and we sold out . Anyway , there were a lot of dogs in the store yesterday . There 's a big white one who is probably the biggest ' talker ' I 've ever heard . He doesn 't bark , but he does a lot of yodeling and whining and half howls , as if he 's trying hard to talk . He comes to the register , and knows that I have biscuits under the counter for him , so he always makes sure to ' talk ' to me . There was a woman with a little shivering chihuahua . It was just plain cold yesterday , and the poor little thing was naked . For the first time since I 've worked there , a little dog had an accident , but his owner cleaned it up . Most of the dogs are very mannerly , and I get to pet them all . A little boy came in yesterday . He was with his grandpa and grandma . He was getting a toy tractor . He explained to me that " tomorrow is my birthday " . I said , " I wonder if this is the birthday you 'll be all grown up , " and he gave me a puzzled look . " Well , " I sighed , " I guess you won 't know for sure until you get out of bed and look in the mirror tomorrow morning . If you 've got gray hair and whiskers , this is the birthday , alright . " He looked skeptical . " It 's true , " I said . " That 's what happened to mPosted by Today , unbelievably , I had a bad day at work . I worked from 9 until 6 : 30 . It was busy , which I like , but there were lots of strange events happening . A fellow was upset with us because the propane stove he got from us ' was a piece of crap ' . Turned out , he had it hooked up to leased gas . His story ? ' The darn thing shoots a flame across the living room and goes out . ' Dear heavens . Lucky he didn 't burn his house down . Dave finally managed to convince the fellow he needed to buy a gas heater . ( That Dave . He 's a silver tongued devil . . . ) I think that I am a gracious person , but I forgot to thank someone today . I said , " Have a great day . " But I did not say thank you . Didn 't even realized I 'd done it until he jumped all over my behind . I apologized , but he didn 't want none of that . He was not happy . I felt terrible , because really , I pay attention to that . I usually say , " Thanks a lot for your business . We really appreciate you stopping by . " Another guy came in to buy some washers and bolts . They are sold by weight . When I entered the weights , the man interpreted the weights as the prices , and couldn 't understand why . 45 and . 83 equaled $ 2 . 81 . I explained that the . 45 and the . 83 were weights not prices . He was flipping mad . " You just give me a receipt , " he snarled . " Sure , " I said . I answered the phone and a customer yelled at me because the RV antifreeze was no longer on sale . " It 's almost a dollar a gallon more , " he yelled . " I know , " I said . " The 2 for $ 7 price was a sale price . That was last month . " He yelled about the price . I had a line . " Sir , " I said , " I 'm sorry . That sale is over . The price is $ 4 . 49 , " and he swore he 'd never come into our store again . It wasn 't all awful , I suppose . An elderly couple came in , he with a cane , hobbling . As they headed out , I said , " We didn 't have what you needed ? " and the man said a little disgustedly , " I wanted a mattock . You don 't have them . " I was a little confused . " Yeah , we do . Well , at least we did . . . Let me go take a look . " The man hobbled along telling me , ' I asked that man aPosted by Today , at the Tractor Supply , I met a man with no legs . He was the liveliest charactor you 'd ever want to meet . He was hauling a huge and heavy trailer part on his lap , and he twisted around to unload the bag on the back of his chair . I said , " Well , it looks like you 've got your work cut out for you today , " and he quickly answered , " No , the hard part 's done . I 've got that trailer built . " I loaded up the bag at the back of his chair after ringing up the things . He paid for it , and airily called out , " Well , I 'm off to see what trouble I can get into . " It is amazing to see a person of that spirit . He said , " I live alone , and I don 't need help . I do whatever I want to do . " And I 've no doubt that he does . He apologized for holding up the line , but you know , I don 't imagine that anyone looking on felt anything but admiration . Remember the man who had tears for his dog ? Remember how he was talking about his neighbor who was paralyzed from the chest down , but used his hands to split wood , and to change the oil in the truck , and to weld ? Two stories like that , in the same week . It gives me hope , I tell you . It gives me hope for this world . I 've been haunted by the story of the young man living in the tent . I called Tim at work . " What do you think we should do ? " I asked . And he decided to head down and meet him as soon as he got off work . I was at work , when Tim came in . Tractor Supply was hopping . I knew that something was up because Tim waited . And waited . Finally , things slowed down . He walked up to the register and said , " The kid doesn 't have anywhere to go . I told him to come back at 9 , and I 'd let him in , so that he has a place to sleep for the night . " We both looked at each other . It 's getting darned cold at night . When I got off work , we went down to the apartment . I met him . Seems like a good enough kid . His mother died when he was still a child . He 's very quiet . Had nothing . Nothing . We 'd already got input from his pastor . His case worker . Yeah . You pretty much knew how this was going to go down didn 't you ? Truth be told ? So did we . We took a carload of supplies with us when we went down to meet him . We told him , " We 're going to do a month to month lease . How long you wind up staying will depend entirely on you , son . We hope it 's a long , long time , though . " He looked surprised , and said , fervently , " I hope so too . " We left the apartment . I looked back . " Welcome home , " I said . He came out in the hall , and shook our hands . " I really appreciate this , " he said . " Thank you so much . " Leap of faith . Big leap of faith . Did you ever just get a feeling about something ? Tuesdays and Thursdays are my big classroom days . My first class is at 9 and my last one ends at 3 : 55 . On Mondays , Wednesdays , and Fridays , I have one lone class , from 11 to 11 : 50 . It seems to take almost more energy to get myself to that class . It 's almost like an interruption . Yesterday , two more large writing assignments have been added to October 's pot , in addition to the two big ones that I 've already got going on , which is addition to the two that are due every Tuesday , and the one that is due every Thursday . Which is in addition to the column , which is in addition to those presentations , which is addition to the Henry W . article which is ( blessedly ) taking some amount of time to get my answers on . I may not have it until November , which might be a truly excellent thing . I 've always liked to write , but now , it just seems daunting . I 've got to worry about proper citing , MLA for some papers , APA for the others . I 'm collecting info and have folders of stuff for each project , and trying to jump from one project to the another is getting a bit frazzling . I have a calender with due dates , and it is pretty full . I look at other people in the class , and we 're all kind of stressing out , but you know , there are people taking the OT classes that are also taking Anatomy and Physiology . I honestly do not know how they do it . I think of my time in A and P , and for the very first time , I thank the good Lord that I did take it over the summer , even mashed into a six week course , as opposed to a full semester . I simply couldn 't imagine trying to do all that writing and keeping up with Anatomy and Physiology . Marty , the woman separated from her husband , has stopped coming to Life Span . She 'd been looking plainly ill , and the last time she was in class , she very suddenly stood up next to me and left the room , whispering , " I 'm going to be sick . " I remember the early days , being on my own , trying to put all the pieces of my life back in order . It 's a lot to juggle , being a single parent , handling a full time job , and being a full tPosted by I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal .

Published on January 25 , 2017April 11 , 2017 by nikewrites2 Comments Today 's story is in response to the DP Challenge Prompt : Ten . My name is Hortensia Louisa Broadway . Close family and friends call me Ten . My seventy - five year old mother lives with me . She is suffering from Alzheimer 's , and I am her caretaker . Since I take care of her , I don 't have time to take care of myself . I know . It sounds like a cop - out , but I really don 't . I don 't work so I can go on vacations , or have nights out on the town with my friends and maybe meet a nice guy . No , I work and schedule my time and finances around caring for mama . I watch a little more of her slip away , day by day . One minute , she knows my name and that I 'm her daughter . The next minute , she 's telling me to get out of her house - my house - or she 's going to call the cops . Sometimes , I can make light of her outbursts . Most times , it absolutely shatters me . It would be nice to be one of those women who have a meltdown and goes traveling to a foreign country to do yoga and find herself , or go hiking in the dead of winter and lose a few toes to frostbite , just for a change of scenery and spiritual enlightenment . But I can 't afford that life . I stay up all night to make sure mama doesn 't leave the house and get lost . My workday starts at 11 pm and ends at noon . The nurse shows up at 7am to tend to mama . I sleep between noonish and 6pm , while the nurse is there . This is my life , seven days a week . While I long for the future , mama lives in the past . Most of the time , it sounds like a happy place . Then there are the days she goes room by room , calling for him , the one that got away , only to end up on the living room floor crying for Winston . He was her first love . She loves the man who broke her heart more than she ever loved daddy . I think daddy knew it , too . He loved mama the way mama loved Winston . I remember the last thing my father said to her . He said , " Honey , I love you more than all the sand , on all the beaches . " She said , " I 'll see you when you come out of surgery , baby . " He didn 't survive the surgery . When I was about fifteen years old , she told me she married my father because she didn 't want to be lonely , but that she grew to love him over time . But , Winston would always have a special place in her heart . There are some things a fifteen year old doesn 't need to know . Shortly after daddy 's death , she went searching for Winston . She found out from a mutual friend that he married the woman he 'd left mama for , and they had seven kids . All girls . He 'd passed away the year before daddy died . It wasn 't too long after daddy died that I noticed the signs . She 'd forget my name , or that she was ever married , even though she still wore her ring . She 'd get dressed to go out , but only have her underwear on . After she left food cooking on the stove for the third time while she went out to grocery store to buy something for dinner , her landlord told me she had to go . He begged me to put her into a nursing home . Sometimes , it 's not clear to me if I resent mama or her illness . But I 'm angry that the day I brought her home to live with me , is the day my life stopped . I don 't have any siblings or other close relatives to spilt the responsibility of her care of with . At the same time , I wasn 't ready to put her in a nursing home . So , I deal with this burden and guilt quietly . I save my tears for the moments when I 'm alone . But I think it may be time to let her go . Published on January 18 , 2017March 23 , 2017 by nikewrites2 Comments Mama had good days and bad days . I was grateful for the days she remembered my name , or her wedding day or any part her childhood . I started to record her voice on my phone . I didn 't know how long I would have her with me , so I made it a point to capture her moments of clarity . I tried to record her on video once , and she cussed me out ! She called me everything but a child of God ! Sometimes , she talked about daddy . But mostly , she talked about good times with Winston . What I learned about my very proper , buttoned down mother during these moments of reminiscence was , she was a freak . She and Winston enjoyed each other every chance they got , everywhere they could . Not that I wanted these details , but she didn 't speak of daddy so passionately . She spoke of him fondly , matter of factly . For the first time in her life , she removed the filter and spoke her truth . " We were good friends . But that was all . You were an accident . I didn 't want children . He did . Now , I 'm glad I had you . You weren 't too bad as a child . You were a good kid . You turned out to be a good woman . And now , that I need someone who knows me , you are here . I 'm not entirely alone . " I pretended that her words didn 't sting . I pretended to appreciate her disease driven candor . Somewhere in that moment , I found myself wondering how much longer she would linger . Then , I quietly admonished myself for thinking such a thought and not enjoying her lucid moment . There were fewer moments like this , lately . My feelings would mend , eventually . She didn 't realize that being unfiltered was not her natural state of being . She used to be more diplomatic . At this point , I settled for any moment that brought my mother back to me over the stranger who didn 't recognize me most days . " Well , I was young . Maybe about fifteen , if my memory serves me right . I received and invitation to go to Tiffany Jackson 's birthday party . She was the rich , snooty girl at school . I 'm still not sure how I ended up on the invitation list . But I heard that Winston was going to be there . I had to be there ! It took a lot of convincing for my parents to allow me to go . Daddy was dead set against it because boys would be there . Back then , boys were considered more dangerous than street drugs are today . No parent wanted to lose their precious little girls to some fast - ass boy . Being seen in the company of a boy with no chaperone , was a BIG no - no . Anyway , after much debate , Daddy agreed to let me go , under the condition that he attended as my plus one . Embarrassing , to have your parent as your date ! You just don 't know ! " Anyway , I was surprised to see a number of fathers had the same idea when I arrived to the party . Some of the dads sat at the bar watching their daughters like hawks as they danced . A few of them walked up to their daughters while they were on the dance floor to warn the boys not to let their hands slip anywhere below the waist line . They followed their daughters around the hall , and stood outside the ladies room to make sure the girls weren 't trying to sneak off with the boys . My dad intended to dance every dance with me ! I drew the line when he tried to Walk the Dog . I went and sat down in one of the seats along the wall . Daddy didn 't leave the dance floor . He and Mrs . Jackson tried to do all the teen dances that night to demonstrate how silly they thought we looked . He wanted to make sure he embarrassed me enough that I didn 't dance with anyone . He succeeded ! All the girls laughed at me until their fathers noticed my daddy 's tactic worked , and began to follow suit . ' Hey there , Wallflower , ' he said . That became his nickname for me . He sat with me until the party was over . He tried to look aloof and uninterested in me to make my father feel good . Daddy came over a few times to make sure I was ok and that Winston wasn 't bothering me . That Winston was so smooth ! He was exactly what every parent wanted for their daughter , the perfect gentleman . But when he got me alone , ooooowheee ! ! That boy was fire ! " Mama gazed into the distance wistfully , a smile playing at the corners of her mouth . I watched as she retreated to that place where Alzheimers hides her away from me . I saw the light leave her face , as she turned to me . " Have you seen Winston ? Did you make him leave ? Winston ! Winston ! Where are you ? " She stood , and began to wander through the apartment , searching for her first love . I remained in the living room , wondering how long it would be before I got to speak to my mother again . Published on January 14 , 2017January 15 , 2017 by nikewrites2 Comments Today 's short story is a continuation of a previous post , Ripples . ( You might want to read Ripples first ! ) It 's also a fun twist on the Daily Post prompt : Unseen . Enjoy ! Semaj couldn 't find information on her - no family tree , no school information , no social network information , no pictures , nothing . Neveah Early didn 't exist . Even he was able to find bits and pieces of his own history on line . He didn 't remember the life he found in his research , but somehow it all made sense . He wondered how much Neveah already knew about his past life . Hopefully , not more than he did . He would have to walk into this dinner date cautiously . He reached the restaurant fifteen minutes early , hoping to scope out the area and see the moment she arrived . She was already standing outside of the restaurant waiting for him . She saw him as he pulled up and smiled . Semaj smiled back but wondered what her game was . Their first meeting was not random . It was planned and deliberate . The fact that she chose the restaurant and was there more than 15 minutes ahead of the suggested time struck him as suspicious . Dinner was pleasant . To anyone who might have been observing the couple , they appeared to be on their first or second date . Her body language gave the impression that she was interested in him . She leaned in when she spoke to him , her shoulders rounded and pointed toward him , she tilted her head to the right and looked him directly in the eye when speaking and listening to him . Her left hand caressed her exposed neck from time to time . She smiled flirtatiously at him when she wasn 't speaking . She hung on to his every word . He noticed all of this , as well as the direction of the conversation . Where did you go to school ? Did you play any sports ? What kind of work did you do before coming to Providence ? Why the sudden move ? Do you enjoy your current line of work ? He noticed that she didn 't reveal much about herself and she hadn 't talked about the " ripples " she 'd mentioned earlier . She was trying to gauge how much he already knew about his past life . She had no intention of giving him the whole story . " So , enough small talk , " he said , " Why don 't you tell me about you . Who are you and what is it that you do ? You mentioned there was a problem with me being here . You said something about ' ripples . ' Tell me about that . " " Very direct , " she noted with a slight smile . " I 'm glad to see that hasn 't changed . I was sent to find you . You may not believe what I 'm going to tell you next , but bear with me . You 're out of time . The life you 're living now , is not the timeline you belong to . You and I did use to work together . We were partners at Infinity Events . The event planning business as a cover makes it easier for us to connect with the people we 're looking for without causing major ripples in the timeline . We were on assignment when we lost you . We found you about a month ago and have been watching you since then . We believe the individual we were in pursuit of captured you , wiped your memory and left you here . During the six months that you 've been here , you 've come in contact with people that will have a major impact on future events . Your contact and influence over them , has already changed the course of several lives . We have to get you back to the moment you went missing , capture the criminal , and hopefully , that will set some history back on course . " Neveah nodded , pulled a small photo out of her purse an slid it across the table to Semaj . He picked it up and looked at it . It was a picture of woman . She was sitting on someone 's lap and laughing . The other person in the picture was cut off . Only the hand around her waist and part of the leg she was sitting on were clearly visible . " I can 't say that I have . " The truth was , he recognized her immediately . " Why are you looking for her ? What did she do ? " " I don 't know . But if she tries to make contact , we 'll need you to contact us right away . You have my card . " Semaj stepped into his apartment , sat down on the couch and replayed the events of the evening . If they 'd been watching him for the last month , they probably had his place bugged . He couldn 't trust anyone . Thankfully , they 'd planned for this . He grabbed his tablet , opened his email and sent a group message to his students . The subject line would be enough to alert her . He typed their code word on the subject line : Class canceled . Published on January 11 , 2017February 9 , 2017 by nikewrites1 Comment My shift was finally over . I couldn 't wait to get home and get out of my clothes . My feet were sore in spite of the shock absorbing ergonomic mats they purchased for each register . I stepped outside into the cool November air and was warmed by the notes of a saxophone . It had been a few weeks since I heard that sound . My friend had returned . I smiled and walked over to Drew 's Rotisserie and ordered two platters . My co - workers told me not to encourage him by feeding him . But he wasn 't homeless as they all had assumed . Leo was an old man that needed something to do with his time . He just wanted to share his gift . He loved to play . He never accepted my money , but he looked forward to a good meal and a dinner partner from time to time . I stood outside of Drew 's and listened to Leo play . He was playing , " Learn to Love . " Something in the air made the notes sound perfect . Not too much echo . None of the notes seemed to float too far away . The song could be heard clearly no matter where you stood the parking lot . I sat on the half - wall across from him . He opened his eyes as the last note drifted above us . I handed him his platter and drink . I wanted more details , but didn 't want to be rude and pry . So all I said was , " Well , I 'm glad to have you back ! " He offered an appreciative smile as he began to eat his meal . " I meant , I 'm leaving town . My sister is already here . She had apartment packed and called the movers to haul my stuff before I left the hospital . " " Yes , the bossy one , Loretta . She 's taking me back to New Orleans to live with her . Tracey is actually going to be moving down , early next year . It 's hard to keep up with each other with the distance between us . " " I figured you 'd move with in Tracey . It 's a closer distance to travel . No need to fly . " He told me how much he hated flying , once . " It is , but Tracey is a bit of a jet setter . She 's always on the go . But she 's moving down next month . She and I were the rebels ! We couldn 't wait to leave home and see new things ! I saw the world while in the military . She saw the world traveling with this orchestra and that . We 've had full lives , but this seems like a good time to go back home . That 's where the rest of our family is . All but our kids , that is . They have set up their lives in other places . Living away , just like we did . " I nodded my head . I planned on " living away , " just like his kids . But not having anyone you knew around , especially if things went south , was a bit of a risk . " Yeah , I know that look . " I looked up . I didn 't realize that he 'd been observing me . " It 's worth the risk . It 's not always lonely . And from what you 've told me , you come from a good family . They 'll be there if you need them . This is the time for you to live ! Take that job overseas ! Fall in love , but don 't have no babies too soon ! Don 't laugh ! I 'm serious ! Kids will stop you in your tracks ! See some things . Build some memories for yourself , then come back home and build your life . " " Good ! It 's a date ! " He handed me a slip of paper with his new address and phone number on it . " Put that in your phone , " he instructed , " I expect to hear from you before the month is out ! We may not live in proximity after today , but we can stay in touch . " Published on January 6 , 2017January 6 , 2017 by nikewrites1 Comment What did I have to lose ? If God was trying to give me a hint , I heard Him , this time . The second floor was on the sidewalk . The first floor was no where to be found . The house looked like it had been kicked over by a bratty baby giant . There was nothing left . This was the second storm to level the house my grandfather built . I didn 't have the strength or patience to rebuild it , again . The place was too big for me anyway . Family didn 't come around like they used to , anymore . There was no point in trying to start over in this place . I didn 't have much left . The furniture was destroyed by the flood . My bedroom was on the first floor . My clothes probably weren 't worth salvaging . They were probably moldy from the summer heat and humidity . I wouldn 't be able to get in to see if there were any pictures or other items that could be rescued , until what was left of the structure was deemed sound . All I had left were the clothes on my back and my car . I took a few pictures of what was left of the house . The house . It didn 't even feel like home anymore . I wiped the corner of my eye . I don 't know if the moisture was a droplet of sweat or a tear drop . I walked back to my car an willed myself not to look back . I remembered the story of Lot and his family leaving Sodom and Gomorrah . I remembered what happened to his wife . I couldn 't look back . There was nothing in this place for me anymore . I got in my car and drove away without looking in the rear view mirror . As painful and dramatic as this uprooting was going to be for me , I decided to make the best of it . I had a bucket list , and now seemed to be as good a time as any to chip away at it . I decided that the West was calling me . So I pointed my car in that direction and decided to answer the call . After all , what did I have to lose ? Published on January 4 , 2017February 4 , 2017 by nikewrites1 Comment His mother wasn 't thrilled when we made the announcement . After all , she was only a few years older than me . She regarded me as some kind of pervert that stole her son 's innocence and opportunity to meet younger women , who could produce several offspring with ease . It would probably surprise her to know that I expressed concerns about our age difference on more than one occasion . Contrary to her belief , I 'm not the type of woman who was on always the prowl for the attention younger men . As a matter of fact , all of my previous suitors were around my age . This time , it wasn 't an age thing . He and I simply fit together . He is the perfect balance of vigorous youth and old soul . He wasn 't anymore his age , than I was mine . As I got dressed , I recalled our last discussion stemming from my insecurities . " Sweetheart , stop . " He got out of the bed and came around to where I was getting dressed and took my hands in his . I looked down at his hands . They were thick , strong and smooth . They still had the softness youth . Mine , while not wrinkled , showed their age next to his . I pretended not to notice . He let go of my hands , took me into his arms , and rubbed my back gently . " I 'm only 32 . I 'm not ready for married life , yet . I have plans and things I 'd like to do before I settle down . " I pulled away from him . " What else is there to do that you can 't do as a married man ? You have your career , you 're pursuing your second degree , you travel whenever you feel like it - with or without me . What more is there ? " " You want to explore your options are before settling down with an old woman . Don 't you ? " He at least had the decency to look offended by my suggestion . I saw his jaw clench . I did more than offend him with my accusation . I 'd angered him . He grabbed my arm and dragged me over to the full length closet mirror on the other side of the room . I looked at our reflection in the mirror . He towered behind me , both of his hands clutched my waist . He didn 't look boyish at all , especially now . He was the boss . My t - shirt was on inside out . He pushed my hair off my shoulder . I looked like woman trying to hold on the remnants of her youth . " I see a young man , who is pursuing everything a man his age should ; standing behind a woman that is almost twice his age , who has already achieved some of those things for herself , who wants to be by his side as he achieves those things , and more , for himself . I see a man who has been asked by his family and friends why he can 't find a woman his own age . I see a man whose mother wants grandkids , but if her son waits much longer she 's only going to have grand - pets , and I don 't think that will make her happy . I see a woman who may have robbed this intelligent man of a certain part of his youth , stunted his growth , and - " he cut me off . " And yet , I 'm still here . I need you to stop acting like we are on a strict schedule . We get to go at our own pace . You haven 't deprived me of anything . I 've had a chance to date women my age . They didn 't satisfy me . You are exactly my speed . I love YOU . I want YOU . When the time is right , I want to give you the proposal you deserve and the wedding you 've dreamed about since you were a little girl . No eloping . No Vegas chapel . I 'm going to stand proudly at one end of the aisle in a tux , and you will be at the other end in a beautiful gown , walking toward me . And you better not take off like that chick in the movie , because I will chase your ass ! " He proposed two weeks later . I smiled , remembering his proposal . He came to my office , and proposed to me in front of everyone . He even brought wine and plastic wine glasses for everyone to share the moment . He tossed confetti when I said , " yes . " The little stinker didn 't let on that he 'd bought the ring and had the proposal planned weeks before our argument . He let me believe that I would have to wait even longer for this day . Three months later , here we are , about to get married . I had a secret of my own . I had the stick packed in my luggage for the honeymoon . I 'd let him think my recent bouts of queasiness were wedding jitters instead of morning sickness . He was right . Everything was happening at our pace . What other people thought about our relationship was none of our business . I took one more look in the mirror . What did I see ? I saw a woman about to meet her husband . It 's been a few weeks since I 've posted anything . I 've been busy working on an upcoming anthology . Take a look at the teaser under the " Books " option on the menu above . I 'll be sharing more about this anthology project in the coming weeks ! Stay tuned ! Published on August 20 , 2016September 2 , 2016 by nikewritesLeave a comment I 've reposted this story before , but came across it on my Facebook page today . I actually forgot about this story ! ( I know , I should know ALL my stories , right ? ! ) Empty Chairs takes a look at what happens to the families of criminals and victims . They both lose something , but the way most of us see justice , is that it has to take as much away from guilty as possible , their livelihood , even their life . I can 't say whether that is right or wrong . Take a read and share your thoughts . Who lost more ? Who deserves to mourn ? I was angry . Even though two years had passed , the pain was still deep . I understood her attempt at an apology was meant to bring closure to me and my family , but I felt like she was just trying to ease her conscience … My mother had me when she was young . She and my father never married . That was a great scandal in her day , to be found with child and unmarried . Though my mother and father loved each other , his family would not allow him to marry her . Any girl who would behave in such a way to get pregnant before marriage was not a suitable match for their son . They sent him off to live with another relative and made sure he attended university far away . Mother tried to abort me but her methods failed . My father 's family told him my mother died in childbirth , and that I was stillborn . He met another woman , fell in love , married and started a family . Mother bore the burden of the sin , as did I to some extent . She never married , not for a lack of admirers , but because she was considered " damaged goods . " Father , however , was free to love again . Shame never touch him , but it etched fines lines of sadness around my mother 's eyes and mouth , and broke her heart . I believe she was hard on me when I was child because she didn 't want me to be the type of man that hid from his responsibility . " It took two people to create you , but only one is here to raise you . If you love a woman , fight for her ! Don 't let anyone make you ashamed of her . " She took ill about three months ago . The doctors said she had a year to live . They wanted to schedule treatments and keep her in a nursing home to live out the rest of her days , but mother said no . " I 'm tired . I lived to see you grow to be a successful man . You studied hard and built a career for yourself , you married a lovely woman , and have raised 4 beautiful children . They have children now . I 'm happy and blessed , but now it 's time for me to go . I won 't live my last days in a strange place with strangers looking after me . I want to die with the ones I love nearby . At the point that I can 't feed myself and you have to change my diaper , that is the day I must leave this earth . " We had discussed this over the years . I knew what to do . She told me which herbs to use when the time came , but I didn 't want to kill my mother . Even there , she assured me there would be no blood on my hands . " My life . My choice . I will just need your help . " The day came . She hadn 't eaten much . She was weak and tired . Her grandchildren and great - grandchildren came to say good - bye . Even a few relatives that shunned her when she became pregnant with me sent messages offering and seeking forgiveness . They waited until the end of her life to show her the love she need so much earlier in her life . They were selfish as far as I was concerned . Their olive branches were as good as a pile twigs . But Mother was gracious . " My son , " she said , reading my expression , " I cannot carry hurt and anger to the other side . I forgive them and trust God to deal with them fairly . " As the family gathered to pray and thank God for the time we had with her , I lifted her from her recliner and carried her to her bed . She felt like she weighed no more than a sheet of paper . I thought of all the times she carried me in her arms as a toddler , or in a sling on her back when I was just a little boy . As petite as she was , as frail as she appeared back then , she carried me with little effort and never a complaint . I made sure her room was prepared ahead of time . She had fresh white linens and pillows on the bed , and lavender and white roses by her bedside . When she was comfortable , I fed her the berries and put out of my mind the thought that I was feeding her the thing that would take her from me . She chewed slowly , taking sips of water in between . Just before she closed her eyes and drifted off to permanent rest , she reminded me , " My life , my choice . This is not your burden to bear . You 've been a good son . I 'll be at peace because I know you will continue to do well . I want you to be at peace that I 'm not in pain anymore . " Then , she closed her eyes and slept . I couldn 't speak . I just nodded and cried at the thought of her taking the burden of guilt off of me and carrying it away with her . Published on August 12 , 2016 by nikewrites1 Comment Seeking forgiveness is a tricky thing . Your history is examined ; your track record , post - offense , is doubted ; your motives are questioned and the risk of rejection is great . But sometimes , to be welcomed back into a loved one 's good graces is worth the risk . Dear Vonnie , I have to live my life in such a way that makes you feel a sense of pride , in spite of my brokenness . My imperfections are like a scarlet letter on your chest . Everyone can see how mu … April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 November 2016 September 2016 August 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 March 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 August 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 September 2010 August 2010 June 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 Copyright © Nike Binger Marshall and Nike Writes , 2009 - 2017 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Nike Binger Marshall and Nike Writes with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

NOTE : Every photo I took for this series was while my van was stopped . I live in the country , in the middle of sparsely traveled roads , so it is perfectly safe to stop in the middle of the road to snap a photo . All photos were taken with my phone while I was heading yet another place with the children . I have not used a filter or touched up any of the photographs . We finally got snow later in the month . Day one was ridiculously windy and cold , and completely unpredictable . The above photo was taken less than 20 minutes before this one : I spend a lot of time in the car driving kids hither and yon . I normally just take a little mental photo of the pretty things I see . I am grateful for this month 's theme , as it forced me to slow down and really look at the scene unfolding outside my windshield . My almost 2 year old nephew is staying with us for a week while his parents are out gallivanting around Hawaii . If it weren 't for his obsessive need to slam every door in the house and his penchant for waking before the rooster , he 'd be the perfect guest . The thankfuls : 2 . Cuckoo is getting a turn to be the " big brother " . Our world doesn 't stop just because a two year old is in the house waking up at 5 : 00 in the morning . Cuckoo has been invaluable in helping to keep Nephew occupied while I run down to the basement or out to the chicken coop for a minute . 4 . This experience had helped me get over that " I want another baby " mood I was in . Yeah , I 'm getting too old for chasing a toddler all day and night . I can be patient and wait for the grandkids to come . 5 . We 've had quite a bit of sunshine . The cold is really , really cold , but it doesn 't seem so bad when the van is warmed by the sun before we get in it . Sitting on the hardwood floor to play a game is actually pleasant when I get to sit in the ray of sun coming through the window . 6 . I have a few events this spring which will require wearing a dress , including our school 's 50th Anniversary Dinner this weekend . I managed to find one , even with Nephew in tow . 8 . When I was in Ohio helping Grandma move , I would find myself wandering around the house , looking at everything I 've known since I was born . I kept asking myself , " What should I take ? Grandma will give me just about anything I want . " I wanted it all , and I wanted nothing . It was a very strange , overwhelming thought . I left Ohio with nothing but memories . And then my mom came to drop Nephew off . She came with a van full of boxes of things Grandma wanted me to have . ( Long , boring story about how my mom came to have them . Just go with it . ) There were toys from the basement toy closet . There was the flier from my induction into the National Honor Society from 1988 . There were baking dishes of all sizes . All of the photos of my family ( including my senior photo ) from her wall of grandkids were in there , too . The best , though , were the pots . 10 . Oh , the song from the beginning ? It may or may not apply . Time will tell . It just popped into my head when this happened : Short story : A grandma asked me to take a couple of cats . I was clear that cats do not last long at our house . They either get eaten or our dogs scare them away . She said she was OK with that . The cats were 2 of 6 strays someone took in but now needed to get rid of . I can 't say no to a grandma apparently , because on Thursday I brought 2 cats home from preschool . I took the carrier out to the barn and opened the door to it . One cat immediately took off like a shot , darting outside and off into the trees . The other took time to sniff around , including around the door to the chickens . I went out to see if I could catch a glimpse of the first cat . When I returned 45 seconds later , the first cat was gone . It isn 't easy being Cuckoo 's brother . That boy demands to be the center of attention , and people don 't mind leaving him there . He 's outgoing . He 's loud . He 's hilarious . He is always surrounded by a gaggle of people . Turken , on the other hand , is quiet . He 's reserved . He doesn 't have any interest in being the center of any crowd . He 's hilarious , too , but one must be quiet and patient and observant to see it . The boy is keeping a journal . Every day when we get in the car , he immediately gets out his notebook and starts writing about his day . After about a week of this , I asked him if I could read it . I don 't know how it hasn 't been lost these many years . Hopefully , it never will be . I 'm thinking it will be pretty darn difficult to find one that matches exactly . The last week of February , and we finally got our big dose of snow . I knew it was only a matter of time . We have been too lucky all winter long . There 's been snow to the north . This is how we park when we know there will be lots of snow . Halfway down the driveway , on top of the hill , facing the direction we need to go . Turken was nice enough to shovel that pathway to the van for me before I had to take Buttercup to her Confirmation retreat . ( 1 ) Bryan made it home last night and back to work before the sun came up this morning safe and sound . This is his one gigantic work weekend for the year , which usually lasts three days . Fortunately , they are finishing earlier ( as in by 11 : 00 tonight ) and he won 't have to go in tomorrow . ( 4 ) It is warm enough for the boys to actually go outside and play in the snow today . Not one of them even whined when I kicked them out of the house . ( 5 ) We had a great book club meeting last night . Everyone was able to make it , including the one currently living in Japan . She was on facetime with us for 2 hours . ( 6 ) ( For those wondering , we read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Time by Mark Haddon . It 's a story is from the point of view of the boy with autism . Three of us loved it ( including me ) , 1 liked it , 2 liked that it kept their interest but it wasn 't their favorite book by any means . ) I 'm going to brag on a kid for just one thankful . I don 't normally like to do this much , but I 'm just so happy about how well Phoenix is doing this year since he got the ADD diagnosis . We received an email from Phoenix 's Geometry teacher , which always scares us a bit , but this was a good one . He is one of only two teens in the nation to get a perfect score on a national Catholic schools geometry test . ( 7 ) I was able to help someone during a difficult time this week . When I offered to do what I wanted to do , I didn 't even know how badly it was needed . ( How 's that for convoluted and vague ? ) ( 8 ) On Wednesday I was all ready to go toe - to - toe with LAFitness about the poor service I was receiving . They promoted the guy who had been helping me get my knee back to normal , which meant if I wanted to continue with him , I had to pay extra . I only have a month left , so I said no , I would just switch to a new trainer . Only problem was , the trainers they had available only worked on nights and weekends . I was getting quite the run - around and was told I would get a call , but a week later , on Wednesday , I still hadn 't heard from them . I was ready to let them have it . Bryan was cheering me on with cries of , " Take down the institution ! " I went in , saw the guy in charge , and said , " You didn 't call . " He got a panicked look on his face , sat at the computer and didn 't speak for a minute . And then he said , " I will train you today for free . Next week will be a problem , but we have a new trainer starting on March 1 who will be able to take you at the time you normally come in . " Just so happens , next week is the one week I can 't train anyway , so it worked out perfectly . ( 9 ) As I typed this last sentence , the dogs caught my attention by barking . I glanced up and saw our neighbor . He is in his tractor , plowing the snow out of our driveway . ( 10 ) It is simple when we hear about a man who passed away , leaving a young wife and children . Everyone jumps on board to help in any way possible . We all feel horribly sorry for the family and want to do something to help ease the suffering . It started with two bloggers and an idea to dedicate one day to it . They asked their friends to join in . It only took a couple of weeks for 1 , 000 people to say Yes . Yes , I want to add my voice to help make this world a better , more compassionate place . We aren 't flying blind here . Jesus came to Earth to show us how to show compassion . When he came across thieves and adulterers , he didn 't shun them . He didn 't give them dirty looks . He spoke with them . He didn 't condone their behaviors , but he did sit down to share meals with them . He gave us the perfect example of what we are to strive to be and do . Who knows why that mom is at the end of her rope or why her child is throwing a tantrum on the floor ? I have a choice . Will I make the situation better or worse ? A dirty look certainly won 't . Muttering about bad parenting most certainly won 't . A kind word of solidarity as I walk by could give that mom renewed energy to calmly deal with the situation . When someone says something unkind to me or about me or writes a negative comment on a post of mine , I have a choice . I can get offended and angry , replying in kind , or I can take a step back . I can try to see her point of view and her intent . Who knows why she did such a thing ? Perhaps something happened in her past and something I said triggered strong feelings . Perhaps she was having a really bad day and spoke in a way she normally wouldn 't have . Or she isn 't the nicest of people on a regular basis and enjoys irritating people . I have no idea , but I can choose to make the situation better . I can either reply kindly or not reply at all . When someone cuts me off in traffic , who knows why he did it ? He could have been thinking of his sick child and didn 't realize where he was . My car could have been in his blind spot , and he just didn 't see me . He could be a terrible driver who doesn 't care about other people on the road . It doesn 't matter . I have a choice . Am I going to get angry and honk my horn and yell at him , or am I going to let it go , giving him the benefit of the doubt ? Only one answer is compassionate . Only one response makes the situation better . There is a Facebook group . Folks who tweet can use # 1000Speak . Link a post through one of several hosts , including Lizzi and Yvonne , the two bloggers who started this whole thing in the first place . In the end , it was a wonderful post to do . It forced me to slow down and reflect on our marriage and how far we 've come . Even though we dated for 7 years , 5 of those years was long - distance . Despite the fact we are both the oldest children in divorced families , thus making us mature before our time , we were still young . We still had plenty to learn . And learn we did . Bryan planned our honeymoon from start to finish . He went all out ( for us ) and booked a week in Key West in a hotel with valet parking and a private beach . He had tickets and maps and directions all organized and ready to fly out the morning after the wedding ceremony . I forgot my purse at his mom 's house and had to go the entire week without it . Halfway through our 7 months of Bermuda living , I crashed while driving our scooter . The entire left side of my body was torn to pieces . Bryan became my caretaker , including washing my hair and helping me go to the bathroom . We are not the kind of couple that shares a bathroom even to brush our teeth in the morning . Bryan 's LSAT scores were about to expire . He had to go to law school then or never . Bryan could not see himself programming computers his entire life , so , even though it meant leaving the lap of luxury for poverty and uncertainty , we headed to Indiana . On December 10 , I had my first miscarriage . I was in so much pain , both physically and mentally , that I didn 't realize how painful it was for Bryan . He was so strong , letting me sob all over him , alternated with distance in the moments when I didn 't want him anywhere near me as I worked on a puzzle ( I just wanted something to do to calm me down . Looking back , what the heck ? ? ) , practically doubled over in pain . It wasn 't until the doctor appointment confirming the loss , when we saw that there was no heart beat in the ultrasound , that his pain became real to me . He turned white as a ghost and started wobbling . The doctor made him lie down on the floor and ran to get him juice to drink . Later , we talked about what happened . He had been so upset with worry . For the baby , of course , but more for me . He was terrified that something was going to happen to me , and it all came crashing down during the doctor appointment . We said we loved each other all the time . We knew deep down that we loved each other beyond reason . It wasn 't until something was wrong , and thoughts of death and pain entered our thoughts , that we honestly knew just how gigantic that love was . While we had helped each other through some terrible experiences before , this was the first time we suffered a loss together . We discovered the depths of our feelings and we figured out a way to support each other through our suffering . We moved to Indy when I was 8 months pregnant , not knowing a single person in the entire state . Phoenix was not an easy baby ( to say the least ! ) and I was having a rough go of it . When Phoenix was 5 months old , Bryan said , " You know , you can leave us alone and go out and do something . " I melted down like I hadn 't melted before in sobs of , " If I had someplace to go and someone to go with , I would have done it ! " While Bryan always went to church on Sundays , he held himself back . Things happened in his past that left him suspicious and guarded . Then out of the blue , he decided to go on a retreat at church . He came back a different person , completely happy and all in with his faith and Catholicism again . As a result , our marriage and our parenting became even better . When Bryan sets a goal , it 's pretty much a guarantee that it will happen . He decided that he wanted to do an Ironman triathalon . That meant a lot of training . It meant a lot of races leading up to it ( over several years ) . Seeing him doing what it took to reach his goal made me want to do something , too . I did a sprint triathalon this year . When one of us makes positive changes and goals , it encourages the other to do the same . And when one reaches his goal , the other is just as happy and excited that he made it . 2003 We had our 4th child exactly 4 years 8 days after our first child . I was just a bit overwhelmed some days , and especially as the day got closer to dinner time . Even though he usually got home within a 30 minute time range , I asked Bryan to call the house every day before he left the office . He would let the phone ring once , and it was my signal that he was coming . I 'd get some physical help with the kids 20 minutes from that phone ring , and it made all the difference in my attitude . When the kids were little , we had a routine at bedtime . We 'd stick all of them in the tub , Bryan would wash them , I would dry and dress them . As they got older , and Buttercup 's hair got longer , I noticed she would leave the tub with more and more tangles . I finally asked Bryan what he was doing to her . He was using a washcloth to wash her past - shoulder - length hair . We came to the marriage with different skills and different knowledge . We can 't blame each other for what we don 't know . We just need to teach and encourage each other as things come up . We were outgrowing our house and began a search for a new one . We ended up buying the only house we looked at , because we loved it . The only problem was , the house came with chickens . We had both lived in quiet neighborhoods on small plots of land our entire lives , never having laid eyes on a real live chicken before . Then suddenly , we were chicken farmers , with barns and land and a completely new life . The farm came with plagues . Namely mice and bats . I jump , squeal , and scream when I see a mouse . Bryan dives to the floor and hides under a blanket when a bat flies through the house . We hadn 't left the kids to take any sort of overnight by ourselves in a long while . It 's just so much extra work on my part to prepare to leave 4 little kids . Bryan was pushing for it this year , so I agreed to a couple of days away while my mom watched the kids . Once we were in the car and on our way , I relaxed about it all and we had a marvelous time . I cook dinner , and Bryan does the dishes . We 've had this system since the day we got back from our honeymoon . I have never , ever liked the way he does the dishes . He doesn 't clean out the sink completely when he 's done . He doesn 't see cleaning the stove as part of the doing the dishes chore . I make dinners that I like . I will sometimes ask for suggestions , but not often . Bryan has mentioned a few dinners that he doesn 't particularly care for , but I still make them every once in a while . One option is to get angry . We can let our frustration with the way the other does things get the best of us . Or , option two , is to let it go . We can simply appreciate the fact that the other is doing a job , even if it isn 't being done the way we would choose to do it . Only one of those options will keep our marriage intact . Some issues will never go away , and we have to be OK with it . The economy started to tank this year , and since many of Bryan 's clients are construction businesses and banks , his workload started to lighten . And then lighten some more . He was getting mighty worried but didn 't tell me anything . It showed in his behavior at home , though . It all came tumbling out the night I made him sit down and tell me what was wrong . On the very same day in March , Bryan and I both received phone calls from our mothers . Both of our mothers called to let us know they had cancer . His mom was diagnosed with breast cancer , just like several of her family members had battled . My mom had cervical cancer , made more difficult by the fact she had two heart stents put in a short 3 months previously . Throughout the entire treatment and recovery , we learned to lean on each other . We figured out how to best support each other . We discussed and agreed that we drop everything when a family member needs help . It was a big year with the pigs . First , a pig drowned itself in the pig waterer overnight . Bryan had already left for work by the time I found it . Since it was in the middle of a ridiculously hot drought , I had to dispose of it without the assistance of another adult . Later , when it was time to load the pigs up to take to the butcher , Bryan and the farmer with the trailer were having a hard time getting the pig corralled . I jumped in to help . Sure , the pig got between my legs and I rode it backwards for a while , but once I managed to get off , I am the one who finally got the job done . Our kids were starting to turn into real teens with real problems . A couple of the problems caused some very real tension and horrible feelings in our home . I was overwhelmed and uncertain and felt like I was tackling these issues all by myself . Bryan and I were farther apart than we 'd been in a long time . One night I let him have it ( as much as we ever let each other have it . We 've never once raised our voices , but I was tempted to this time . ) , telling him I needed him to be involved . He was just as mad , furious that I would even accuse him of not being present for his kids . I learned that if I 'm feeling such things , there is a good chance he is , too . Instead of attacking and accusing him , I need to approach him with a mind of solidarity and support . I need to continue to remember the fact that he is a great father and husband who gets frustrated and overwhelmed and scared just as much as I do . It was by far the busiest year we 've ever had , made so much harder by my traumatized knee . Teens have late practices . Young kids wake up early and want to eat . Every moment of the day , from 6 : 00 am to 10 : 30 pm is taken up by kids . There has been precious little time for the two of us to simply be together . We have learned to grab the moments when we can . Goodbye hugs in the morning lasting a little longer than usual . Calls in the middle of the day to swap funny stories . Holding hands in church on the rare days a child or 4 aren 't sitting between us . Seizing opportunities to take a long weekend away , to heck with the obligations . The kids will be leaving home someday , and for most of them that day will be sooner rather than later . These stolen moments will help ensure that we still have a wonderful marriage when this nest is empty . Written down like this , twenty years seems like a very long time , but it honestly feels like the blink of an eye . So much has happened , but there are so many big things hovering on the horizon . We 've learned a lot , but I know there are plenty more lessons to learn . 2 . I 'm ready for Lent . One thing I did was sign up for an eight week Bible study . The youngest woman there has kids my age . It 's quite the nice balance to my days with the moms with first graders who are all at least 10 years younger than me . 3 . Beside the Bible study , I 've joined up with Dynamic Catholic to do their Best Lent Ever series . I have used materials from them before ( most recently , their Confirmation preparation ) and have nothing but good things to say about them . 4 . The high schoolers are involved in the Mock Trial team . Who knew the Mock Trial team could take so much time ? If you did , why didn 't you warn us ? ! ? ! The finale is this weekend , so we can switch this item from their to - do list to their never - do - this - again list . 5 . Phoenix also had volleyball tryouts for the high school this week . I heard from a few people that he did very well , but we won 't know until Monday how it will all shake out . I 'm just glad he is taking full advantage of the opportunities to try new things throughout high school . 6 . My grandma 's house sold . It took less than a week . Grandma can now completely relax , as that was the only worry she still had . 7 . Grandma is doing well in the independent living facility . I talked to her earlier this week , and she was having some fun . And she figured out how to work the modern washing machine . All is well with her . The rest of the family , on the other hand , is now in an all - out hurry to get the house cleaned out in the next couple of weeks . 8 . The preschool Valentine 's Day party , of which I was in charge , went well . The kids had fun and I didn 't leave with a headache . 9 . Did you see Cuckoo 's and Turken 's Valentine cards on Instagram ? They were the best ones we 've ever made . I 'm so glad I tucked the idea in my brain when I saw it last year and was actually able to retrieve it when I needed it this year . 10 . CVS had a special running on printing photos and I took advantage . I not only printed them , but organized them in the appropriate albums , too . Go me . If it were July of 2012 , I 'd be all caught up ! Did you notice that I kind of flew through this post ? It 's because I 'm working on quite the post for tomorrow . I 'm joining up with some other lovely women who are celebrating Valentine 's Day by posting about things we 've learned in our years of marriage . Since I 've been married 20 years , this sucker is taking a while . You 're welcome to join us if you 'd like ! No joke . If I see one more person take 45 minutes to eat an itty bitty clementine because he must dissect it in order to remove every single speck of white bit THAT ISN ' T THE RIND AND WON ' T KILL YOU IF YOU EAT IT ! I just might go over the edge . While the meat cooks , I wash and prepare the peppers . I hear that some people blanch their peppers first , but I don 't . I prefer my peppers on the crunchier side and see the blanching as a waste of time and one more pot to clean . As an aside , a couple of the kids saw me working on this post and read it . The comments included , " Phoenix ordered tomato on his burger ? ! After that fuss about the tomatoes in the soup ? ! ? " and " Is that why you 're making all of those bad dinners lately ? " I 've decided I need to work on my speed writing skills . It takes me far too long to write posts . So today , we 're going to practice . As the boys would say , " Time me ! " 2 . Despite Eunice jinxing my vacuum with all of her " Dysons are the worst " talk last week , I was able to get my vacuum to full suction after it suddenly stopped sucking up the dirt . I cleaned the filter and the roller , but I 'm pretty sure the biggest problem was the colored pencil someone had sucked up with it . 3 . Every time we sit down for dinner these days , Cuckoo immediately asks the big kids to tell stories about when they were younger . I am loving every minute of it . And no , I did not pay him to do it . 4 . I 've been meeting some new friends on the internet through a Catholic bloggers group . Amelia , who writes at One Catholic Mama , is one of them . We have so much in common ! She has lots of kids , her husband is a lawyer , and she knows a thing or two about farm animals . ( As it says in her " About Me " page , she " used to take ultrasound pictures of bovine ovaries " . ) It 's always fun getting to know someone new . One of her posts I really liked is about how posting what she wore each Sunday healed her . 5 . I finally convinced Bryan that Phoenix would never get 50 hours if he didn 't help . Now that Phoenix is getting more comfortable behind the wheel , Bryan is feeling more comfortable with the idea of being his licensed passenger . is almost gone . This is the cake the family brought home from the Cub Scout cake auction while I was in Ohio . I want my beautiful island back . 7 . If you ever want to get teenagers to loosen up and quit being grouchy , put on the Frozen CD . Cuckoo asked to bring it in the van so we could listen to it at pickup on Thursday . It 's been playing on repeat ever since , and every single one of us still sings every song at the top of our lungs . Star is currently the one walking that line of curmudgeon and omnipotent , but when that CD comes on , he is smiling and singing and laughing and having a great time . He even turns the volume up on certain songs . 8 . Friday was a half day at the younger kids ' school , so we had a nice long afternoon to relax and play some games . Bonus for the day was the Boy Scout dinner Friday night . The relaxing and playing time was lengthened since I didn 't have to worry about fixing dinner . 9 . We 've still managed to avoid snow . The blizzard stayed to the north of us , and I made it home from Ohio last week without incident . ( I was quite worried for a while . It was snowing hard in my hometown , with people sliding off the road all over the place . 30 minutes outside of town , though , the temps were high enough that I had nothing but rain for the rest of the way . ) 10 . Many months ago , I began reading a blog called " Undiagnosed , but Okay " . The author has a daughter with many medical issues which no one could find a reason for . After years of trying to find answers , she finally found a lead and the courage to drive far away to see a new doctor . Tests were done , and a mutation was found . She is one of only 20 kids in the world who have been diagnosed with PACS1 . Kerri renamed the blog " Diagnosed and still Okay " . Because they are . While her daughter still has the same medical issues , they now know why , and it 's made a world of difference . Kerri has been able to get in touch with the other families who have the same diagnosis . The similarities between the kids is remarkable . From now on , February 7 will be known as PASC1 Awareness Day . They aren 't looking to raise money . They simply want people to be aware so other families can benefit from diagnosis . Kerri and her family wouldn 't have known to ask for the test if it weren 't for someone who had read her blog and given her the name of the doctor . She hopes others can get the same help she did . Do me a favor and click on over to Kerri 's . Read some of their story . Have a look at the photos . Keep this in mind the next time you hear someone talking about medical issues in her child that they just can 't figure out . I 'm In ! Val and Lisa were kind enough to think of me when they needed to come up with names of people to indoctrinate into the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers . I have never understood the name of this nor where it began , but I 'm going with it anyways . Each lovely lady requested that I answer some questions , so here it goes . . . ( Despite the fact it took me 5 hours to write this , I answered the questions quickly . First answer that popped into my head . I was interrupted a lot . ) Basically , I like anything that gets me dancing , unless the lyrics are awful . Then I am glad that there is someone named Weird Al on the planet to write appropriate ones . 2 . What 's the hardest thing about being you ? There hasn 't been a full family get - together at our house for a long time . They are always in either Kentucky or Ohio , since all of our families are in one of those two places . It 's usually just my brother and his family or some nieces and nephews visiting . When any of them are here , it 's just a whole bunch of playing outside , alternated with eating a whole bunch of food . A competitive game of football or kickball is always a part of the festivities . Well , so far , the raising of the kids seems to be going pretty well , but I 'm not doing that on my own . God , Bryan , and the kids themselves have a good bit to do with it . I don 't really have any one big accomplishment , but lots and lots of little ones . I get excited any time I do anything right or successfully . Ack ! I 'm horrible with favorites ! I cannot in a million years pick one ! Every vacation memory is my favorite when it is happening . 8 . What would you like to receive as a present ? After seeing my friend 's photos from Iceland , I want to go there . I know . Shocking . There is snow and ice and cold . Three things I despise . But her photos . . . I can jump in the air kind of sideways and click my heels together , then resume walking normally upon landing . ( I have a blog . There isn 't much you all don 't know . I had to stretch to think of anything ! ) I have no idea . This question is taking me way too long to answer . I want to throw one full of people who could really use a smile and some fun in their lives . I picture something like from the Bible . A big party where I don 't invite my friends and " important " people , but pull in strangers off the streets . Lots of good food , dancing , and laughing . Perhaps I 'd have two . One for adults and one for kids . I have no idea . I babysat starting at age 11 , and my first job was at the age of 14 . I always had a bit of money , but I didn 't do much with it . I 'm a saver . I did use a big chunk of it to buy a car when I was 17 . I liked just about anything we did in gym class . Sports are fun ! I remember really enjoying the gymnastics we did most years . We even had a balance beam . In 7th grade we spent a few weeks doing aerobics , and we worked out to one of Madonna 's songs . OH ! OH ! My favorite gym class was when I was teaching 5th grade in Bloomington . The PE teacher was a trapeze performer and actually brought a trapeze to school for the middle school to learn . I was the only teacher in the school who tried it and participated in the show at the end of the week . THAT was fun ! A dolphin . Who doesn 't love a dolphin ? They are friendly , they are quick , they can do " tricks " , and they can explore the great big beautiful ocean ! My brother likes to retell the time he went with me to the store when I was learning how to drive a stick shift . I got stuck on a hill at a red light . The car behind us pulled up way too close , and I lost my mind , scared that I would roll back into it . I swore . Bad words I 've never said before or since . I yelled at my brother to get out and tell the person behind me to back up . He refused . It was ugly . The next step in the Sisterhood process is to ask 10 more people questions . I don 't have time to do that today , so . . . sorry . It 's early dismissal day ! When I read these types of posts with a lot of questions , answers pop into my head as if I were actually answering them . Did that happen to you ? If so , let me know in the comments your answers to any of the questions I answered . I 'd love to hear them ! I spent all of Saturday morning and on into the afternoon helping my aunt and uncle and grandma haul , unpack , wash , and organize my grandma 's possessions as she moved from the house she has lived in for over 50 years to the independent living facility she is now calling home . Going through all of the things she 's accumulated over the years ( and none of it junk . I come from one OCD family who does not hold on to junk . ) , deciding what was going and what was staying took an emotional toll . At one point we were at the house regrouping , standing in the front family room . She handed me some papers and asked me to put them on the table . As I turned to do what she asked , it hit us both . There is no table in the family room anymore . That was the table she chose to take as her kitchen table at the new place . We chuckled a bit , but it was more an uncomfortable " shoot , this is really happening " moment . We had decided that we were not going to fuss or argue with my grandma about what she wanted to move . If she wanted to bring 6 lamps , we 'd pack them up and take them , even though we knew they wouldn 't fit . She hates clutter and would figure out on her own that there was a problem . She could decide which ones needed to be taken back to the house . When we were up to our elbows in decision making on what stays and what goes . When Grandma is having to choose which of her beloved books can move with her . When holding our emotions in was becoming harder and harder , the situation became ridiculous . Third from the right is Grandma . My aunt helping us is standing in front of her . My grandpa is kneeling with my uncle on his knee . My dad is standing in front of Grandpa , looking at his brother . My great - grandma is smack in the middle . Great - grandpa is to her right . I was pleasantly surprised with how well the moving went . None of us broke down . Grandma was her normal self . We played cards and enjoyed ourselves , despite the thoughts of " This is the last time we 'll play cards here . " that was in the back of all of our minds . Close to the end of my stay , I went to get the car while Grandma stayed in the facility 's entryway . When I got back , she had a look of delight mixed with mischief on her face . She was bursting to tell me the story . I am a woman who refuses to make solid plans in my life , but does whatever comes my way . As a result , I 've taught just about every grade , decorated cakes , owned a photography business , given birth to six children , and bought a 140 year old house that happened to come with a small farm . I am fortunate to have married a man who is responsible and sets goals so I don 't have to . You will often find me either driving our 12 - passenger van around town or disposing of the dead animals that frequently litter our property .

NOTE : Every photo I took for this series was while my van was stopped . I live in the country , in the middle of sparsely traveled roads , so it is perfectly safe to stop in the middle of the road to snap a photo . All photos were taken with my phone while I was heading yet another place with the children . I have not used a filter or touched up any of the photographs . We finally got snow later in the month . Day one was ridiculously windy and cold , and completely unpredictable . The above photo was taken less than 20 minutes before this one : I spend a lot of time in the car driving kids hither and yon . I normally just take a little mental photo of the pretty things I see . I am grateful for this month 's theme , as it forced me to slow down and really look at the scene unfolding outside my windshield . My almost 2 year old nephew is staying with us for a week while his parents are out gallivanting around Hawaii . If it weren 't for his obsessive need to slam every door in the house and his penchant for waking before the rooster , he 'd be the perfect guest . The thankfuls : 2 . Cuckoo is getting a turn to be the " big brother " . Our world doesn 't stop just because a two year old is in the house waking up at 5 : 00 in the morning . Cuckoo has been invaluable in helping to keep Nephew occupied while I run down to the basement or out to the chicken coop for a minute . 4 . This experience had helped me get over that " I want another baby " mood I was in . Yeah , I 'm getting too old for chasing a toddler all day and night . I can be patient and wait for the grandkids to come . 5 . We 've had quite a bit of sunshine . The cold is really , really cold , but it doesn 't seem so bad when the van is warmed by the sun before we get in it . Sitting on the hardwood floor to play a game is actually pleasant when I get to sit in the ray of sun coming through the window . 6 . I have a few events this spring which will require wearing a dress , including our school 's 50th Anniversary Dinner this weekend . I managed to find one , even with Nephew in tow . 8 . When I was in Ohio helping Grandma move , I would find myself wandering around the house , looking at everything I 've known since I was born . I kept asking myself , " What should I take ? Grandma will give me just about anything I want . " I wanted it all , and I wanted nothing . It was a very strange , overwhelming thought . I left Ohio with nothing but memories . And then my mom came to drop Nephew off . She came with a van full of boxes of things Grandma wanted me to have . ( Long , boring story about how my mom came to have them . Just go with it . ) There were toys from the basement toy closet . There was the flier from my induction into the National Honor Society from 1988 . There were baking dishes of all sizes . All of the photos of my family ( including my senior photo ) from her wall of grandkids were in there , too . The best , though , were the pots . 10 . Oh , the song from the beginning ? It may or may not apply . Time will tell . It just popped into my head when this happened : Short story : A grandma asked me to take a couple of cats . I was clear that cats do not last long at our house . They either get eaten or our dogs scare them away . She said she was OK with that . The cats were 2 of 6 strays someone took in but now needed to get rid of . I can 't say no to a grandma apparently , because on Thursday I brought 2 cats home from preschool . I took the carrier out to the barn and opened the door to it . One cat immediately took off like a shot , darting outside and off into the trees . The other took time to sniff around , including around the door to the chickens . I went out to see if I could catch a glimpse of the first cat . When I returned 45 seconds later , the first cat was gone . It isn 't easy being Cuckoo 's brother . That boy demands to be the center of attention , and people don 't mind leaving him there . He 's outgoing . He 's loud . He 's hilarious . He is always surrounded by a gaggle of people . Turken , on the other hand , is quiet . He 's reserved . He doesn 't have any interest in being the center of any crowd . He 's hilarious , too , but one must be quiet and patient and observant to see it . The boy is keeping a journal . Every day when we get in the car , he immediately gets out his notebook and starts writing about his day . After about a week of this , I asked him if I could read it . I don 't know how it hasn 't been lost these many years . Hopefully , it never will be . I 'm thinking it will be pretty darn difficult to find one that matches exactly . The last week of February , and we finally got our big dose of snow . I knew it was only a matter of time . We have been too lucky all winter long . There 's been snow to the north . This is how we park when we know there will be lots of snow . Halfway down the driveway , on top of the hill , facing the direction we need to go . Turken was nice enough to shovel that pathway to the van for me before I had to take Buttercup to her Confirmation retreat . ( 1 ) Bryan made it home last night and back to work before the sun came up this morning safe and sound . This is his one gigantic work weekend for the year , which usually lasts three days . Fortunately , they are finishing earlier ( as in by 11 : 00 tonight ) and he won 't have to go in tomorrow . ( 4 ) It is warm enough for the boys to actually go outside and play in the snow today . Not one of them even whined when I kicked them out of the house . ( 5 ) We had a great book club meeting last night . Everyone was able to make it , including the one currently living in Japan . She was on facetime with us for 2 hours . ( 6 ) ( For those wondering , we read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Time by Mark Haddon . It 's a story is from the point of view of the boy with autism . Three of us loved it ( including me ) , 1 liked it , 2 liked that it kept their interest but it wasn 't their favorite book by any means . ) I 'm going to brag on a kid for just one thankful . I don 't normally like to do this much , but I 'm just so happy about how well Phoenix is doing this year since he got the ADD diagnosis . We received an email from Phoenix 's Geometry teacher , which always scares us a bit , but this was a good one . He is one of only two teens in the nation to get a perfect score on a national Catholic schools geometry test . ( 7 ) I was able to help someone during a difficult time this week . When I offered to do what I wanted to do , I didn 't even know how badly it was needed . ( How 's that for convoluted and vague ? ) ( 8 ) On Wednesday I was all ready to go toe - to - toe with LAFitness about the poor service I was receiving . They promoted the guy who had been helping me get my knee back to normal , which meant if I wanted to continue with him , I had to pay extra . I only have a month left , so I said no , I would just switch to a new trainer . Only problem was , the trainers they had available only worked on nights and weekends . I was getting quite the run - around and was told I would get a call , but a week later , on Wednesday , I still hadn 't heard from them . I was ready to let them have it . Bryan was cheering me on with cries of , " Take down the institution ! " I went in , saw the guy in charge , and said , " You didn 't call . " He got a panicked look on his face , sat at the computer and didn 't speak for a minute . And then he said , " I will train you today for free . Next week will be a problem , but we have a new trainer starting on March 1 who will be able to take you at the time you normally come in . " Just so happens , next week is the one week I can 't train anyway , so it worked out perfectly . ( 9 ) As I typed this last sentence , the dogs caught my attention by barking . I glanced up and saw our neighbor . He is in his tractor , plowing the snow out of our driveway . ( 10 ) It is simple when we hear about a man who passed away , leaving a young wife and children . Everyone jumps on board to help in any way possible . We all feel horribly sorry for the family and want to do something to help ease the suffering . It started with two bloggers and an idea to dedicate one day to it . They asked their friends to join in . It only took a couple of weeks for 1 , 000 people to say Yes . Yes , I want to add my voice to help make this world a better , more compassionate place . We aren 't flying blind here . Jesus came to Earth to show us how to show compassion . When he came across thieves and adulterers , he didn 't shun them . He didn 't give them dirty looks . He spoke with them . He didn 't condone their behaviors , but he did sit down to share meals with them . He gave us the perfect example of what we are to strive to be and do . Who knows why that mom is at the end of her rope or why her child is throwing a tantrum on the floor ? I have a choice . Will I make the situation better or worse ? A dirty look certainly won 't . Muttering about bad parenting most certainly won 't . A kind word of solidarity as I walk by could give that mom renewed energy to calmly deal with the situation . When someone says something unkind to me or about me or writes a negative comment on a post of mine , I have a choice . I can get offended and angry , replying in kind , or I can take a step back . I can try to see her point of view and her intent . Who knows why she did such a thing ? Perhaps something happened in her past and something I said triggered strong feelings . Perhaps she was having a really bad day and spoke in a way she normally wouldn 't have . Or she isn 't the nicest of people on a regular basis and enjoys irritating people . I have no idea , but I can choose to make the situation better . I can either reply kindly or not reply at all . When someone cuts me off in traffic , who knows why he did it ? He could have been thinking of his sick child and didn 't realize where he was . My car could have been in his blind spot , and he just didn 't see me . He could be a terrible driver who doesn 't care about other people on the road . It doesn 't matter . I have a choice . Am I going to get angry and honk my horn and yell at him , or am I going to let it go , giving him the benefit of the doubt ? Only one answer is compassionate . Only one response makes the situation better . There is a Facebook group . Folks who tweet can use # 1000Speak . Link a post through one of several hosts , including Lizzi and Yvonne , the two bloggers who started this whole thing in the first place . In the end , it was a wonderful post to do . It forced me to slow down and reflect on our marriage and how far we 've come . Even though we dated for 7 years , 5 of those years was long - distance . Despite the fact we are both the oldest children in divorced families , thus making us mature before our time , we were still young . We still had plenty to learn . And learn we did . Bryan planned our honeymoon from start to finish . He went all out ( for us ) and booked a week in Key West in a hotel with valet parking and a private beach . He had tickets and maps and directions all organized and ready to fly out the morning after the wedding ceremony . I forgot my purse at his mom 's house and had to go the entire week without it . Halfway through our 7 months of Bermuda living , I crashed while driving our scooter . The entire left side of my body was torn to pieces . Bryan became my caretaker , including washing my hair and helping me go to the bathroom . We are not the kind of couple that shares a bathroom even to brush our teeth in the morning . Bryan 's LSAT scores were about to expire . He had to go to law school then or never . Bryan could not see himself programming computers his entire life , so , even though it meant leaving the lap of luxury for poverty and uncertainty , we headed to Indiana . On December 10 , I had my first miscarriage . I was in so much pain , both physically and mentally , that I didn 't realize how painful it was for Bryan . He was so strong , letting me sob all over him , alternated with distance in the moments when I didn 't want him anywhere near me as I worked on a puzzle ( I just wanted something to do to calm me down . Looking back , what the heck ? ? ) , practically doubled over in pain . It wasn 't until the doctor appointment confirming the loss , when we saw that there was no heart beat in the ultrasound , that his pain became real to me . He turned white as a ghost and started wobbling . The doctor made him lie down on the floor and ran to get him juice to drink . Later , we talked about what happened . He had been so upset with worry . For the baby , of course , but more for me . He was terrified that something was going to happen to me , and it all came crashing down during the doctor appointment . We said we loved each other all the time . We knew deep down that we loved each other beyond reason . It wasn 't until something was wrong , and thoughts of death and pain entered our thoughts , that we honestly knew just how gigantic that love was . While we had helped each other through some terrible experiences before , this was the first time we suffered a loss together . We discovered the depths of our feelings and we figured out a way to support each other through our suffering . We moved to Indy when I was 8 months pregnant , not knowing a single person in the entire state . Phoenix was not an easy baby ( to say the least ! ) and I was having a rough go of it . When Phoenix was 5 months old , Bryan said , " You know , you can leave us alone and go out and do something . " I melted down like I hadn 't melted before in sobs of , " If I had someplace to go and someone to go with , I would have done it ! " While Bryan always went to church on Sundays , he held himself back . Things happened in his past that left him suspicious and guarded . Then out of the blue , he decided to go on a retreat at church . He came back a different person , completely happy and all in with his faith and Catholicism again . As a result , our marriage and our parenting became even better . When Bryan sets a goal , it 's pretty much a guarantee that it will happen . He decided that he wanted to do an Ironman triathalon . That meant a lot of training . It meant a lot of races leading up to it ( over several years ) . Seeing him doing what it took to reach his goal made me want to do something , too . I did a sprint triathalon this year . When one of us makes positive changes and goals , it encourages the other to do the same . And when one reaches his goal , the other is just as happy and excited that he made it . 2003 We had our 4th child exactly 4 years 8 days after our first child . I was just a bit overwhelmed some days , and especially as the day got closer to dinner time . Even though he usually got home within a 30 minute time range , I asked Bryan to call the house every day before he left the office . He would let the phone ring once , and it was my signal that he was coming . I 'd get some physical help with the kids 20 minutes from that phone ring , and it made all the difference in my attitude . When the kids were little , we had a routine at bedtime . We 'd stick all of them in the tub , Bryan would wash them , I would dry and dress them . As they got older , and Buttercup 's hair got longer , I noticed she would leave the tub with more and more tangles . I finally asked Bryan what he was doing to her . He was using a washcloth to wash her past - shoulder - length hair . We came to the marriage with different skills and different knowledge . We can 't blame each other for what we don 't know . We just need to teach and encourage each other as things come up . We were outgrowing our house and began a search for a new one . We ended up buying the only house we looked at , because we loved it . The only problem was , the house came with chickens . We had both lived in quiet neighborhoods on small plots of land our entire lives , never having laid eyes on a real live chicken before . Then suddenly , we were chicken farmers , with barns and land and a completely new life . The farm came with plagues . Namely mice and bats . I jump , squeal , and scream when I see a mouse . Bryan dives to the floor and hides under a blanket when a bat flies through the house . We hadn 't left the kids to take any sort of overnight by ourselves in a long while . It 's just so much extra work on my part to prepare to leave 4 little kids . Bryan was pushing for it this year , so I agreed to a couple of days away while my mom watched the kids . Once we were in the car and on our way , I relaxed about it all and we had a marvelous time . I cook dinner , and Bryan does the dishes . We 've had this system since the day we got back from our honeymoon . I have never , ever liked the way he does the dishes . He doesn 't clean out the sink completely when he 's done . He doesn 't see cleaning the stove as part of the doing the dishes chore . I make dinners that I like . I will sometimes ask for suggestions , but not often . Bryan has mentioned a few dinners that he doesn 't particularly care for , but I still make them every once in a while . One option is to get angry . We can let our frustration with the way the other does things get the best of us . Or , option two , is to let it go . We can simply appreciate the fact that the other is doing a job , even if it isn 't being done the way we would choose to do it . Only one of those options will keep our marriage intact . Some issues will never go away , and we have to be OK with it . The economy started to tank this year , and since many of Bryan 's clients are construction businesses and banks , his workload started to lighten . And then lighten some more . He was getting mighty worried but didn 't tell me anything . It showed in his behavior at home , though . It all came tumbling out the night I made him sit down and tell me what was wrong . On the very same day in March , Bryan and I both received phone calls from our mothers . Both of our mothers called to let us know they had cancer . His mom was diagnosed with breast cancer , just like several of her family members had battled . My mom had cervical cancer , made more difficult by the fact she had two heart stents put in a short 3 months previously . Throughout the entire treatment and recovery , we learned to lean on each other . We figured out how to best support each other . We discussed and agreed that we drop everything when a family member needs help . It was a big year with the pigs . First , a pig drowned itself in the pig waterer overnight . Bryan had already left for work by the time I found it . Since it was in the middle of a ridiculously hot drought , I had to dispose of it without the assistance of another adult . Later , when it was time to load the pigs up to take to the butcher , Bryan and the farmer with the trailer were having a hard time getting the pig corralled . I jumped in to help . Sure , the pig got between my legs and I rode it backwards for a while , but once I managed to get off , I am the one who finally got the job done . Our kids were starting to turn into real teens with real problems . A couple of the problems caused some very real tension and horrible feelings in our home . I was overwhelmed and uncertain and felt like I was tackling these issues all by myself . Bryan and I were farther apart than we 'd been in a long time . One night I let him have it ( as much as we ever let each other have it . We 've never once raised our voices , but I was tempted to this time . ) , telling him I needed him to be involved . He was just as mad , furious that I would even accuse him of not being present for his kids . I learned that if I 'm feeling such things , there is a good chance he is , too . Instead of attacking and accusing him , I need to approach him with a mind of solidarity and support . I need to continue to remember the fact that he is a great father and husband who gets frustrated and overwhelmed and scared just as much as I do . It was by far the busiest year we 've ever had , made so much harder by my traumatized knee . Teens have late practices . Young kids wake up early and want to eat . Every moment of the day , from 6 : 00 am to 10 : 30 pm is taken up by kids . There has been precious little time for the two of us to simply be together . We have learned to grab the moments when we can . Goodbye hugs in the morning lasting a little longer than usual . Calls in the middle of the day to swap funny stories . Holding hands in church on the rare days a child or 4 aren 't sitting between us . Seizing opportunities to take a long weekend away , to heck with the obligations . The kids will be leaving home someday , and for most of them that day will be sooner rather than later . These stolen moments will help ensure that we still have a wonderful marriage when this nest is empty . Written down like this , twenty years seems like a very long time , but it honestly feels like the blink of an eye . So much has happened , but there are so many big things hovering on the horizon . We 've learned a lot , but I know there are plenty more lessons to learn . 2 . I 'm ready for Lent . One thing I did was sign up for an eight week Bible study . The youngest woman there has kids my age . It 's quite the nice balance to my days with the moms with first graders who are all at least 10 years younger than me . 3 . Beside the Bible study , I 've joined up with Dynamic Catholic to do their Best Lent Ever series . I have used materials from them before ( most recently , their Confirmation preparation ) and have nothing but good things to say about them . 4 . The high schoolers are involved in the Mock Trial team . Who knew the Mock Trial team could take so much time ? If you did , why didn 't you warn us ? ! ? ! The finale is this weekend , so we can switch this item from their to - do list to their never - do - this - again list . 5 . Phoenix also had volleyball tryouts for the high school this week . I heard from a few people that he did very well , but we won 't know until Monday how it will all shake out . I 'm just glad he is taking full advantage of the opportunities to try new things throughout high school . 6 . My grandma 's house sold . It took less than a week . Grandma can now completely relax , as that was the only worry she still had . 7 . Grandma is doing well in the independent living facility . I talked to her earlier this week , and she was having some fun . And she figured out how to work the modern washing machine . All is well with her . The rest of the family , on the other hand , is now in an all - out hurry to get the house cleaned out in the next couple of weeks . 8 . The preschool Valentine 's Day party , of which I was in charge , went well . The kids had fun and I didn 't leave with a headache . 9 . Did you see Cuckoo 's and Turken 's Valentine cards on Instagram ? They were the best ones we 've ever made . I 'm so glad I tucked the idea in my brain when I saw it last year and was actually able to retrieve it when I needed it this year . 10 . CVS had a special running on printing photos and I took advantage . I not only printed them , but organized them in the appropriate albums , too . Go me . If it were July of 2012 , I 'd be all caught up ! Did you notice that I kind of flew through this post ? It 's because I 'm working on quite the post for tomorrow . I 'm joining up with some other lovely women who are celebrating Valentine 's Day by posting about things we 've learned in our years of marriage . Since I 've been married 20 years , this sucker is taking a while . You 're welcome to join us if you 'd like ! No joke . If I see one more person take 45 minutes to eat an itty bitty clementine because he must dissect it in order to remove every single speck of white bit THAT ISN ' T THE RIND AND WON ' T KILL YOU IF YOU EAT IT ! I just might go over the edge . While the meat cooks , I wash and prepare the peppers . I hear that some people blanch their peppers first , but I don 't . I prefer my peppers on the crunchier side and see the blanching as a waste of time and one more pot to clean . As an aside , a couple of the kids saw me working on this post and read it . The comments included , " Phoenix ordered tomato on his burger ? ! After that fuss about the tomatoes in the soup ? ! ? " and " Is that why you 're making all of those bad dinners lately ? " I 've decided I need to work on my speed writing skills . It takes me far too long to write posts . So today , we 're going to practice . As the boys would say , " Time me ! " 2 . Despite Eunice jinxing my vacuum with all of her " Dysons are the worst " talk last week , I was able to get my vacuum to full suction after it suddenly stopped sucking up the dirt . I cleaned the filter and the roller , but I 'm pretty sure the biggest problem was the colored pencil someone had sucked up with it . 3 . Every time we sit down for dinner these days , Cuckoo immediately asks the big kids to tell stories about when they were younger . I am loving every minute of it . And no , I did not pay him to do it . 4 . I 've been meeting some new friends on the internet through a Catholic bloggers group . Amelia , who writes at One Catholic Mama , is one of them . We have so much in common ! She has lots of kids , her husband is a lawyer , and she knows a thing or two about farm animals . ( As it says in her " About Me " page , she " used to take ultrasound pictures of bovine ovaries " . ) It 's always fun getting to know someone new . One of her posts I really liked is about how posting what she wore each Sunday healed her . 5 . I finally convinced Bryan that Phoenix would never get 50 hours if he didn 't help . Now that Phoenix is getting more comfortable behind the wheel , Bryan is feeling more comfortable with the idea of being his licensed passenger . is almost gone . This is the cake the family brought home from the Cub Scout cake auction while I was in Ohio . I want my beautiful island back . 7 . If you ever want to get teenagers to loosen up and quit being grouchy , put on the Frozen CD . Cuckoo asked to bring it in the van so we could listen to it at pickup on Thursday . It 's been playing on repeat ever since , and every single one of us still sings every song at the top of our lungs . Star is currently the one walking that line of curmudgeon and omnipotent , but when that CD comes on , he is smiling and singing and laughing and having a great time . He even turns the volume up on certain songs . 8 . Friday was a half day at the younger kids ' school , so we had a nice long afternoon to relax and play some games . Bonus for the day was the Boy Scout dinner Friday night . The relaxing and playing time was lengthened since I didn 't have to worry about fixing dinner . 9 . We 've still managed to avoid snow . The blizzard stayed to the north of us , and I made it home from Ohio last week without incident . ( I was quite worried for a while . It was snowing hard in my hometown , with people sliding off the road all over the place . 30 minutes outside of town , though , the temps were high enough that I had nothing but rain for the rest of the way . ) 10 . Many months ago , I began reading a blog called " Undiagnosed , but Okay " . The author has a daughter with many medical issues which no one could find a reason for . After years of trying to find answers , she finally found a lead and the courage to drive far away to see a new doctor . Tests were done , and a mutation was found . She is one of only 20 kids in the world who have been diagnosed with PACS1 . Kerri renamed the blog " Diagnosed and still Okay " . Because they are . While her daughter still has the same medical issues , they now know why , and it 's made a world of difference . Kerri has been able to get in touch with the other families who have the same diagnosis . The similarities between the kids is remarkable . From now on , February 7 will be known as PASC1 Awareness Day . They aren 't looking to raise money . They simply want people to be aware so other families can benefit from diagnosis . Kerri and her family wouldn 't have known to ask for the test if it weren 't for someone who had read her blog and given her the name of the doctor . She hopes others can get the same help she did . Do me a favor and click on over to Kerri 's . Read some of their story . Have a look at the photos . Keep this in mind the next time you hear someone talking about medical issues in her child that they just can 't figure out . I 'm In ! Val and Lisa were kind enough to think of me when they needed to come up with names of people to indoctrinate into the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers . I have never understood the name of this nor where it began , but I 'm going with it anyways . Each lovely lady requested that I answer some questions , so here it goes . . . ( Despite the fact it took me 5 hours to write this , I answered the questions quickly . First answer that popped into my head . I was interrupted a lot . ) Basically , I like anything that gets me dancing , unless the lyrics are awful . Then I am glad that there is someone named Weird Al on the planet to write appropriate ones . 2 . What 's the hardest thing about being you ? There hasn 't been a full family get - together at our house for a long time . They are always in either Kentucky or Ohio , since all of our families are in one of those two places . It 's usually just my brother and his family or some nieces and nephews visiting . When any of them are here , it 's just a whole bunch of playing outside , alternated with eating a whole bunch of food . A competitive game of football or kickball is always a part of the festivities . Well , so far , the raising of the kids seems to be going pretty well , but I 'm not doing that on my own . God , Bryan , and the kids themselves have a good bit to do with it . I don 't really have any one big accomplishment , but lots and lots of little ones . I get excited any time I do anything right or successfully . Ack ! I 'm horrible with favorites ! I cannot in a million years pick one ! Every vacation memory is my favorite when it is happening . 8 . What would you like to receive as a present ? After seeing my friend 's photos from Iceland , I want to go there . I know . Shocking . There is snow and ice and cold . Three things I despise . But her photos . . . I can jump in the air kind of sideways and click my heels together , then resume walking normally upon landing . ( I have a blog . There isn 't much you all don 't know . I had to stretch to think of anything ! ) I have no idea . This question is taking me way too long to answer . I want to throw one full of people who could really use a smile and some fun in their lives . I picture something like from the Bible . A big party where I don 't invite my friends and " important " people , but pull in strangers off the streets . Lots of good food , dancing , and laughing . Perhaps I 'd have two . One for adults and one for kids . I have no idea . I babysat starting at age 11 , and my first job was at the age of 14 . I always had a bit of money , but I didn 't do much with it . I 'm a saver . I did use a big chunk of it to buy a car when I was 17 . I liked just about anything we did in gym class . Sports are fun ! I remember really enjoying the gymnastics we did most years . We even had a balance beam . In 7th grade we spent a few weeks doing aerobics , and we worked out to one of Madonna 's songs . OH ! OH ! My favorite gym class was when I was teaching 5th grade in Bloomington . The PE teacher was a trapeze performer and actually brought a trapeze to school for the middle school to learn . I was the only teacher in the school who tried it and participated in the show at the end of the week . THAT was fun ! A dolphin . Who doesn 't love a dolphin ? They are friendly , they are quick , they can do " tricks " , and they can explore the great big beautiful ocean ! My brother likes to retell the time he went with me to the store when I was learning how to drive a stick shift . I got stuck on a hill at a red light . The car behind us pulled up way too close , and I lost my mind , scared that I would roll back into it . I swore . Bad words I 've never said before or since . I yelled at my brother to get out and tell the person behind me to back up . He refused . It was ugly . The next step in the Sisterhood process is to ask 10 more people questions . I don 't have time to do that today , so . . . sorry . It 's early dismissal day ! When I read these types of posts with a lot of questions , answers pop into my head as if I were actually answering them . Did that happen to you ? If so , let me know in the comments your answers to any of the questions I answered . I 'd love to hear them ! I spent all of Saturday morning and on into the afternoon helping my aunt and uncle and grandma haul , unpack , wash , and organize my grandma 's possessions as she moved from the house she has lived in for over 50 years to the independent living facility she is now calling home . Going through all of the things she 's accumulated over the years ( and none of it junk . I come from one OCD family who does not hold on to junk . ) , deciding what was going and what was staying took an emotional toll . At one point we were at the house regrouping , standing in the front family room . She handed me some papers and asked me to put them on the table . As I turned to do what she asked , it hit us both . There is no table in the family room anymore . That was the table she chose to take as her kitchen table at the new place . We chuckled a bit , but it was more an uncomfortable " shoot , this is really happening " moment . We had decided that we were not going to fuss or argue with my grandma about what she wanted to move . If she wanted to bring 6 lamps , we 'd pack them up and take them , even though we knew they wouldn 't fit . She hates clutter and would figure out on her own that there was a problem . She could decide which ones needed to be taken back to the house . When we were up to our elbows in decision making on what stays and what goes . When Grandma is having to choose which of her beloved books can move with her . When holding our emotions in was becoming harder and harder , the situation became ridiculous . Third from the right is Grandma . My aunt helping us is standing in front of her . My grandpa is kneeling with my uncle on his knee . My dad is standing in front of Grandpa , looking at his brother . My great - grandma is smack in the middle . Great - grandpa is to her right . I was pleasantly surprised with how well the moving went . None of us broke down . Grandma was her normal self . We played cards and enjoyed ourselves , despite the thoughts of " This is the last time we 'll play cards here . " that was in the back of all of our minds . Close to the end of my stay , I went to get the car while Grandma stayed in the facility 's entryway . When I got back , she had a look of delight mixed with mischief on her face . She was bursting to tell me the story . I am a woman who refuses to make solid plans in my life , but does whatever comes my way . As a result , I 've taught just about every grade , decorated cakes , owned a photography business , given birth to six children , and bought a 140 year old house that happened to come with a small farm . I am fortunate to have married a man who is responsible and sets goals so I don 't have to . You will often find me either driving our 12 - passenger van around town or disposing of the dead animals that frequently litter our property .

NOTE : Every photo I took for this series was while my van was stopped . I live in the country , in the middle of sparsely traveled roads , so it is perfectly safe to stop in the middle of the road to snap a photo . All photos were taken with my phone while I was heading yet another place with the children . I have not used a filter or touched up any of the photographs . We finally got snow later in the month . Day one was ridiculously windy and cold , and completely unpredictable . The above photo was taken less than 20 minutes before this one : I spend a lot of time in the car driving kids hither and yon . I normally just take a little mental photo of the pretty things I see . I am grateful for this month 's theme , as it forced me to slow down and really look at the scene unfolding outside my windshield . My almost 2 year old nephew is staying with us for a week while his parents are out gallivanting around Hawaii . If it weren 't for his obsessive need to slam every door in the house and his penchant for waking before the rooster , he 'd be the perfect guest . The thankfuls : 2 . Cuckoo is getting a turn to be the " big brother " . Our world doesn 't stop just because a two year old is in the house waking up at 5 : 00 in the morning . Cuckoo has been invaluable in helping to keep Nephew occupied while I run down to the basement or out to the chicken coop for a minute . 4 . This experience had helped me get over that " I want another baby " mood I was in . Yeah , I 'm getting too old for chasing a toddler all day and night . I can be patient and wait for the grandkids to come . 5 . We 've had quite a bit of sunshine . The cold is really , really cold , but it doesn 't seem so bad when the van is warmed by the sun before we get in it . Sitting on the hardwood floor to play a game is actually pleasant when I get to sit in the ray of sun coming through the window . 6 . I have a few events this spring which will require wearing a dress , including our school 's 50th Anniversary Dinner this weekend . I managed to find one , even with Nephew in tow . 8 . When I was in Ohio helping Grandma move , I would find myself wandering around the house , looking at everything I 've known since I was born . I kept asking myself , " What should I take ? Grandma will give me just about anything I want . " I wanted it all , and I wanted nothing . It was a very strange , overwhelming thought . I left Ohio with nothing but memories . And then my mom came to drop Nephew off . She came with a van full of boxes of things Grandma wanted me to have . ( Long , boring story about how my mom came to have them . Just go with it . ) There were toys from the basement toy closet . There was the flier from my induction into the National Honor Society from 1988 . There were baking dishes of all sizes . All of the photos of my family ( including my senior photo ) from her wall of grandkids were in there , too . The best , though , were the pots . 10 . Oh , the song from the beginning ? It may or may not apply . Time will tell . It just popped into my head when this happened : Short story : A grandma asked me to take a couple of cats . I was clear that cats do not last long at our house . They either get eaten or our dogs scare them away . She said she was OK with that . The cats were 2 of 6 strays someone took in but now needed to get rid of . I can 't say no to a grandma apparently , because on Thursday I brought 2 cats home from preschool . I took the carrier out to the barn and opened the door to it . One cat immediately took off like a shot , darting outside and off into the trees . The other took time to sniff around , including around the door to the chickens . I went out to see if I could catch a glimpse of the first cat . When I returned 45 seconds later , the first cat was gone . It isn 't easy being Cuckoo 's brother . That boy demands to be the center of attention , and people don 't mind leaving him there . He 's outgoing . He 's loud . He 's hilarious . He is always surrounded by a gaggle of people . Turken , on the other hand , is quiet . He 's reserved . He doesn 't have any interest in being the center of any crowd . He 's hilarious , too , but one must be quiet and patient and observant to see it . The boy is keeping a journal . Every day when we get in the car , he immediately gets out his notebook and starts writing about his day . After about a week of this , I asked him if I could read it . I don 't know how it hasn 't been lost these many years . Hopefully , it never will be . I 'm thinking it will be pretty darn difficult to find one that matches exactly . The last week of February , and we finally got our big dose of snow . I knew it was only a matter of time . We have been too lucky all winter long . There 's been snow to the north . This is how we park when we know there will be lots of snow . Halfway down the driveway , on top of the hill , facing the direction we need to go . Turken was nice enough to shovel that pathway to the van for me before I had to take Buttercup to her Confirmation retreat . ( 1 ) Bryan made it home last night and back to work before the sun came up this morning safe and sound . This is his one gigantic work weekend for the year , which usually lasts three days . Fortunately , they are finishing earlier ( as in by 11 : 00 tonight ) and he won 't have to go in tomorrow . ( 4 ) It is warm enough for the boys to actually go outside and play in the snow today . Not one of them even whined when I kicked them out of the house . ( 5 ) We had a great book club meeting last night . Everyone was able to make it , including the one currently living in Japan . She was on facetime with us for 2 hours . ( 6 ) ( For those wondering , we read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Time by Mark Haddon . It 's a story is from the point of view of the boy with autism . Three of us loved it ( including me ) , 1 liked it , 2 liked that it kept their interest but it wasn 't their favorite book by any means . ) I 'm going to brag on a kid for just one thankful . I don 't normally like to do this much , but I 'm just so happy about how well Phoenix is doing this year since he got the ADD diagnosis . We received an email from Phoenix 's Geometry teacher , which always scares us a bit , but this was a good one . He is one of only two teens in the nation to get a perfect score on a national Catholic schools geometry test . ( 7 ) I was able to help someone during a difficult time this week . When I offered to do what I wanted to do , I didn 't even know how badly it was needed . ( How 's that for convoluted and vague ? ) ( 8 ) On Wednesday I was all ready to go toe - to - toe with LAFitness about the poor service I was receiving . They promoted the guy who had been helping me get my knee back to normal , which meant if I wanted to continue with him , I had to pay extra . I only have a month left , so I said no , I would just switch to a new trainer . Only problem was , the trainers they had available only worked on nights and weekends . I was getting quite the run - around and was told I would get a call , but a week later , on Wednesday , I still hadn 't heard from them . I was ready to let them have it . Bryan was cheering me on with cries of , " Take down the institution ! " I went in , saw the guy in charge , and said , " You didn 't call . " He got a panicked look on his face , sat at the computer and didn 't speak for a minute . And then he said , " I will train you today for free . Next week will be a problem , but we have a new trainer starting on March 1 who will be able to take you at the time you normally come in . " Just so happens , next week is the one week I can 't train anyway , so it worked out perfectly . ( 9 ) As I typed this last sentence , the dogs caught my attention by barking . I glanced up and saw our neighbor . He is in his tractor , plowing the snow out of our driveway . ( 10 ) It is simple when we hear about a man who passed away , leaving a young wife and children . Everyone jumps on board to help in any way possible . We all feel horribly sorry for the family and want to do something to help ease the suffering . It started with two bloggers and an idea to dedicate one day to it . They asked their friends to join in . It only took a couple of weeks for 1 , 000 people to say Yes . Yes , I want to add my voice to help make this world a better , more compassionate place . We aren 't flying blind here . Jesus came to Earth to show us how to show compassion . When he came across thieves and adulterers , he didn 't shun them . He didn 't give them dirty looks . He spoke with them . He didn 't condone their behaviors , but he did sit down to share meals with them . He gave us the perfect example of what we are to strive to be and do . Who knows why that mom is at the end of her rope or why her child is throwing a tantrum on the floor ? I have a choice . Will I make the situation better or worse ? A dirty look certainly won 't . Muttering about bad parenting most certainly won 't . A kind word of solidarity as I walk by could give that mom renewed energy to calmly deal with the situation . When someone says something unkind to me or about me or writes a negative comment on a post of mine , I have a choice . I can get offended and angry , replying in kind , or I can take a step back . I can try to see her point of view and her intent . Who knows why she did such a thing ? Perhaps something happened in her past and something I said triggered strong feelings . Perhaps she was having a really bad day and spoke in a way she normally wouldn 't have . Or she isn 't the nicest of people on a regular basis and enjoys irritating people . I have no idea , but I can choose to make the situation better . I can either reply kindly or not reply at all . When someone cuts me off in traffic , who knows why he did it ? He could have been thinking of his sick child and didn 't realize where he was . My car could have been in his blind spot , and he just didn 't see me . He could be a terrible driver who doesn 't care about other people on the road . It doesn 't matter . I have a choice . Am I going to get angry and honk my horn and yell at him , or am I going to let it go , giving him the benefit of the doubt ? Only one answer is compassionate . Only one response makes the situation better . There is a Facebook group . Folks who tweet can use # 1000Speak . Link a post through one of several hosts , including Lizzi and Yvonne , the two bloggers who started this whole thing in the first place . In the end , it was a wonderful post to do . It forced me to slow down and reflect on our marriage and how far we 've come . Even though we dated for 7 years , 5 of those years was long - distance . Despite the fact we are both the oldest children in divorced families , thus making us mature before our time , we were still young . We still had plenty to learn . And learn we did . Bryan planned our honeymoon from start to finish . He went all out ( for us ) and booked a week in Key West in a hotel with valet parking and a private beach . He had tickets and maps and directions all organized and ready to fly out the morning after the wedding ceremony . I forgot my purse at his mom 's house and had to go the entire week without it . Halfway through our 7 months of Bermuda living , I crashed while driving our scooter . The entire left side of my body was torn to pieces . Bryan became my caretaker , including washing my hair and helping me go to the bathroom . We are not the kind of couple that shares a bathroom even to brush our teeth in the morning . Bryan 's LSAT scores were about to expire . He had to go to law school then or never . Bryan could not see himself programming computers his entire life , so , even though it meant leaving the lap of luxury for poverty and uncertainty , we headed to Indiana . On December 10 , I had my first miscarriage . I was in so much pain , both physically and mentally , that I didn 't realize how painful it was for Bryan . He was so strong , letting me sob all over him , alternated with distance in the moments when I didn 't want him anywhere near me as I worked on a puzzle ( I just wanted something to do to calm me down . Looking back , what the heck ? ? ) , practically doubled over in pain . It wasn 't until the doctor appointment confirming the loss , when we saw that there was no heart beat in the ultrasound , that his pain became real to me . He turned white as a ghost and started wobbling . The doctor made him lie down on the floor and ran to get him juice to drink . Later , we talked about what happened . He had been so upset with worry . For the baby , of course , but more for me . He was terrified that something was going to happen to me , and it all came crashing down during the doctor appointment . We said we loved each other all the time . We knew deep down that we loved each other beyond reason . It wasn 't until something was wrong , and thoughts of death and pain entered our thoughts , that we honestly knew just how gigantic that love was . While we had helped each other through some terrible experiences before , this was the first time we suffered a loss together . We discovered the depths of our feelings and we figured out a way to support each other through our suffering . We moved to Indy when I was 8 months pregnant , not knowing a single person in the entire state . Phoenix was not an easy baby ( to say the least ! ) and I was having a rough go of it . When Phoenix was 5 months old , Bryan said , " You know , you can leave us alone and go out and do something . " I melted down like I hadn 't melted before in sobs of , " If I had someplace to go and someone to go with , I would have done it ! " While Bryan always went to church on Sundays , he held himself back . Things happened in his past that left him suspicious and guarded . Then out of the blue , he decided to go on a retreat at church . He came back a different person , completely happy and all in with his faith and Catholicism again . As a result , our marriage and our parenting became even better . When Bryan sets a goal , it 's pretty much a guarantee that it will happen . He decided that he wanted to do an Ironman triathalon . That meant a lot of training . It meant a lot of races leading up to it ( over several years ) . Seeing him doing what it took to reach his goal made me want to do something , too . I did a sprint triathalon this year . When one of us makes positive changes and goals , it encourages the other to do the same . And when one reaches his goal , the other is just as happy and excited that he made it . 2003 We had our 4th child exactly 4 years 8 days after our first child . I was just a bit overwhelmed some days , and especially as the day got closer to dinner time . Even though he usually got home within a 30 minute time range , I asked Bryan to call the house every day before he left the office . He would let the phone ring once , and it was my signal that he was coming . I 'd get some physical help with the kids 20 minutes from that phone ring , and it made all the difference in my attitude . When the kids were little , we had a routine at bedtime . We 'd stick all of them in the tub , Bryan would wash them , I would dry and dress them . As they got older , and Buttercup 's hair got longer , I noticed she would leave the tub with more and more tangles . I finally asked Bryan what he was doing to her . He was using a washcloth to wash her past - shoulder - length hair . We came to the marriage with different skills and different knowledge . We can 't blame each other for what we don 't know . We just need to teach and encourage each other as things come up . We were outgrowing our house and began a search for a new one . We ended up buying the only house we looked at , because we loved it . The only problem was , the house came with chickens . We had both lived in quiet neighborhoods on small plots of land our entire lives , never having laid eyes on a real live chicken before . Then suddenly , we were chicken farmers , with barns and land and a completely new life . The farm came with plagues . Namely mice and bats . I jump , squeal , and scream when I see a mouse . Bryan dives to the floor and hides under a blanket when a bat flies through the house . We hadn 't left the kids to take any sort of overnight by ourselves in a long while . It 's just so much extra work on my part to prepare to leave 4 little kids . Bryan was pushing for it this year , so I agreed to a couple of days away while my mom watched the kids . Once we were in the car and on our way , I relaxed about it all and we had a marvelous time . I cook dinner , and Bryan does the dishes . We 've had this system since the day we got back from our honeymoon . I have never , ever liked the way he does the dishes . He doesn 't clean out the sink completely when he 's done . He doesn 't see cleaning the stove as part of the doing the dishes chore . I make dinners that I like . I will sometimes ask for suggestions , but not often . Bryan has mentioned a few dinners that he doesn 't particularly care for , but I still make them every once in a while . One option is to get angry . We can let our frustration with the way the other does things get the best of us . Or , option two , is to let it go . We can simply appreciate the fact that the other is doing a job , even if it isn 't being done the way we would choose to do it . Only one of those options will keep our marriage intact . Some issues will never go away , and we have to be OK with it . The economy started to tank this year , and since many of Bryan 's clients are construction businesses and banks , his workload started to lighten . And then lighten some more . He was getting mighty worried but didn 't tell me anything . It showed in his behavior at home , though . It all came tumbling out the night I made him sit down and tell me what was wrong . On the very same day in March , Bryan and I both received phone calls from our mothers . Both of our mothers called to let us know they had cancer . His mom was diagnosed with breast cancer , just like several of her family members had battled . My mom had cervical cancer , made more difficult by the fact she had two heart stents put in a short 3 months previously . Throughout the entire treatment and recovery , we learned to lean on each other . We figured out how to best support each other . We discussed and agreed that we drop everything when a family member needs help . It was a big year with the pigs . First , a pig drowned itself in the pig waterer overnight . Bryan had already left for work by the time I found it . Since it was in the middle of a ridiculously hot drought , I had to dispose of it without the assistance of another adult . Later , when it was time to load the pigs up to take to the butcher , Bryan and the farmer with the trailer were having a hard time getting the pig corralled . I jumped in to help . Sure , the pig got between my legs and I rode it backwards for a while , but once I managed to get off , I am the one who finally got the job done . Our kids were starting to turn into real teens with real problems . A couple of the problems caused some very real tension and horrible feelings in our home . I was overwhelmed and uncertain and felt like I was tackling these issues all by myself . Bryan and I were farther apart than we 'd been in a long time . One night I let him have it ( as much as we ever let each other have it . We 've never once raised our voices , but I was tempted to this time . ) , telling him I needed him to be involved . He was just as mad , furious that I would even accuse him of not being present for his kids . I learned that if I 'm feeling such things , there is a good chance he is , too . Instead of attacking and accusing him , I need to approach him with a mind of solidarity and support . I need to continue to remember the fact that he is a great father and husband who gets frustrated and overwhelmed and scared just as much as I do . It was by far the busiest year we 've ever had , made so much harder by my traumatized knee . Teens have late practices . Young kids wake up early and want to eat . Every moment of the day , from 6 : 00 am to 10 : 30 pm is taken up by kids . There has been precious little time for the two of us to simply be together . We have learned to grab the moments when we can . Goodbye hugs in the morning lasting a little longer than usual . Calls in the middle of the day to swap funny stories . Holding hands in church on the rare days a child or 4 aren 't sitting between us . Seizing opportunities to take a long weekend away , to heck with the obligations . The kids will be leaving home someday , and for most of them that day will be sooner rather than later . These stolen moments will help ensure that we still have a wonderful marriage when this nest is empty . Written down like this , twenty years seems like a very long time , but it honestly feels like the blink of an eye . So much has happened , but there are so many big things hovering on the horizon . We 've learned a lot , but I know there are plenty more lessons to learn . 2 . I 'm ready for Lent . One thing I did was sign up for an eight week Bible study . The youngest woman there has kids my age . It 's quite the nice balance to my days with the moms with first graders who are all at least 10 years younger than me . 3 . Beside the Bible study , I 've joined up with Dynamic Catholic to do their Best Lent Ever series . I have used materials from them before ( most recently , their Confirmation preparation ) and have nothing but good things to say about them . 4 . The high schoolers are involved in the Mock Trial team . Who knew the Mock Trial team could take so much time ? If you did , why didn 't you warn us ? ! ? ! The finale is this weekend , so we can switch this item from their to - do list to their never - do - this - again list . 5 . Phoenix also had volleyball tryouts for the high school this week . I heard from a few people that he did very well , but we won 't know until Monday how it will all shake out . I 'm just glad he is taking full advantage of the opportunities to try new things throughout high school . 6 . My grandma 's house sold . It took less than a week . Grandma can now completely relax , as that was the only worry she still had . 7 . Grandma is doing well in the independent living facility . I talked to her earlier this week , and she was having some fun . And she figured out how to work the modern washing machine . All is well with her . The rest of the family , on the other hand , is now in an all - out hurry to get the house cleaned out in the next couple of weeks . 8 . The preschool Valentine 's Day party , of which I was in charge , went well . The kids had fun and I didn 't leave with a headache . 9 . Did you see Cuckoo 's and Turken 's Valentine cards on Instagram ? They were the best ones we 've ever made . I 'm so glad I tucked the idea in my brain when I saw it last year and was actually able to retrieve it when I needed it this year . 10 . CVS had a special running on printing photos and I took advantage . I not only printed them , but organized them in the appropriate albums , too . Go me . If it were July of 2012 , I 'd be all caught up ! Did you notice that I kind of flew through this post ? It 's because I 'm working on quite the post for tomorrow . I 'm joining up with some other lovely women who are celebrating Valentine 's Day by posting about things we 've learned in our years of marriage . Since I 've been married 20 years , this sucker is taking a while . You 're welcome to join us if you 'd like ! No joke . If I see one more person take 45 minutes to eat an itty bitty clementine because he must dissect it in order to remove every single speck of white bit THAT ISN ' T THE RIND AND WON ' T KILL YOU IF YOU EAT IT ! I just might go over the edge . While the meat cooks , I wash and prepare the peppers . I hear that some people blanch their peppers first , but I don 't . I prefer my peppers on the crunchier side and see the blanching as a waste of time and one more pot to clean . As an aside , a couple of the kids saw me working on this post and read it . The comments included , " Phoenix ordered tomato on his burger ? ! After that fuss about the tomatoes in the soup ? ! ? " and " Is that why you 're making all of those bad dinners lately ? " I 've decided I need to work on my speed writing skills . It takes me far too long to write posts . So today , we 're going to practice . As the boys would say , " Time me ! " 2 . Despite Eunice jinxing my vacuum with all of her " Dysons are the worst " talk last week , I was able to get my vacuum to full suction after it suddenly stopped sucking up the dirt . I cleaned the filter and the roller , but I 'm pretty sure the biggest problem was the colored pencil someone had sucked up with it . 3 . Every time we sit down for dinner these days , Cuckoo immediately asks the big kids to tell stories about when they were younger . I am loving every minute of it . And no , I did not pay him to do it . 4 . I 've been meeting some new friends on the internet through a Catholic bloggers group . Amelia , who writes at One Catholic Mama , is one of them . We have so much in common ! She has lots of kids , her husband is a lawyer , and she knows a thing or two about farm animals . ( As it says in her " About Me " page , she " used to take ultrasound pictures of bovine ovaries " . ) It 's always fun getting to know someone new . One of her posts I really liked is about how posting what she wore each Sunday healed her . 5 . I finally convinced Bryan that Phoenix would never get 50 hours if he didn 't help . Now that Phoenix is getting more comfortable behind the wheel , Bryan is feeling more comfortable with the idea of being his licensed passenger . is almost gone . This is the cake the family brought home from the Cub Scout cake auction while I was in Ohio . I want my beautiful island back . 7 . If you ever want to get teenagers to loosen up and quit being grouchy , put on the Frozen CD . Cuckoo asked to bring it in the van so we could listen to it at pickup on Thursday . It 's been playing on repeat ever since , and every single one of us still sings every song at the top of our lungs . Star is currently the one walking that line of curmudgeon and omnipotent , but when that CD comes on , he is smiling and singing and laughing and having a great time . He even turns the volume up on certain songs . 8 . Friday was a half day at the younger kids ' school , so we had a nice long afternoon to relax and play some games . Bonus for the day was the Boy Scout dinner Friday night . The relaxing and playing time was lengthened since I didn 't have to worry about fixing dinner . 9 . We 've still managed to avoid snow . The blizzard stayed to the north of us , and I made it home from Ohio last week without incident . ( I was quite worried for a while . It was snowing hard in my hometown , with people sliding off the road all over the place . 30 minutes outside of town , though , the temps were high enough that I had nothing but rain for the rest of the way . ) 10 . Many months ago , I began reading a blog called " Undiagnosed , but Okay " . The author has a daughter with many medical issues which no one could find a reason for . After years of trying to find answers , she finally found a lead and the courage to drive far away to see a new doctor . Tests were done , and a mutation was found . She is one of only 20 kids in the world who have been diagnosed with PACS1 . Kerri renamed the blog " Diagnosed and still Okay " . Because they are . While her daughter still has the same medical issues , they now know why , and it 's made a world of difference . Kerri has been able to get in touch with the other families who have the same diagnosis . The similarities between the kids is remarkable . From now on , February 7 will be known as PASC1 Awareness Day . They aren 't looking to raise money . They simply want people to be aware so other families can benefit from diagnosis . Kerri and her family wouldn 't have known to ask for the test if it weren 't for someone who had read her blog and given her the name of the doctor . She hopes others can get the same help she did . Do me a favor and click on over to Kerri 's . Read some of their story . Have a look at the photos . Keep this in mind the next time you hear someone talking about medical issues in her child that they just can 't figure out . I 'm In ! Val and Lisa were kind enough to think of me when they needed to come up with names of people to indoctrinate into the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers . I have never understood the name of this nor where it began , but I 'm going with it anyways . Each lovely lady requested that I answer some questions , so here it goes . . . ( Despite the fact it took me 5 hours to write this , I answered the questions quickly . First answer that popped into my head . I was interrupted a lot . ) Basically , I like anything that gets me dancing , unless the lyrics are awful . Then I am glad that there is someone named Weird Al on the planet to write appropriate ones . 2 . What 's the hardest thing about being you ? There hasn 't been a full family get - together at our house for a long time . They are always in either Kentucky or Ohio , since all of our families are in one of those two places . It 's usually just my brother and his family or some nieces and nephews visiting . When any of them are here , it 's just a whole bunch of playing outside , alternated with eating a whole bunch of food . A competitive game of football or kickball is always a part of the festivities . Well , so far , the raising of the kids seems to be going pretty well , but I 'm not doing that on my own . God , Bryan , and the kids themselves have a good bit to do with it . I don 't really have any one big accomplishment , but lots and lots of little ones . I get excited any time I do anything right or successfully . Ack ! I 'm horrible with favorites ! I cannot in a million years pick one ! Every vacation memory is my favorite when it is happening . 8 . What would you like to receive as a present ? After seeing my friend 's photos from Iceland , I want to go there . I know . Shocking . There is snow and ice and cold . Three things I despise . But her photos . . . I can jump in the air kind of sideways and click my heels together , then resume walking normally upon landing . ( I have a blog . There isn 't much you all don 't know . I had to stretch to think of anything ! ) I have no idea . This question is taking me way too long to answer . I want to throw one full of people who could really use a smile and some fun in their lives . I picture something like from the Bible . A big party where I don 't invite my friends and " important " people , but pull in strangers off the streets . Lots of good food , dancing , and laughing . Perhaps I 'd have two . One for adults and one for kids . I have no idea . I babysat starting at age 11 , and my first job was at the age of 14 . I always had a bit of money , but I didn 't do much with it . I 'm a saver . I did use a big chunk of it to buy a car when I was 17 . I liked just about anything we did in gym class . Sports are fun ! I remember really enjoying the gymnastics we did most years . We even had a balance beam . In 7th grade we spent a few weeks doing aerobics , and we worked out to one of Madonna 's songs . OH ! OH ! My favorite gym class was when I was teaching 5th grade in Bloomington . The PE teacher was a trapeze performer and actually brought a trapeze to school for the middle school to learn . I was the only teacher in the school who tried it and participated in the show at the end of the week . THAT was fun ! A dolphin . Who doesn 't love a dolphin ? They are friendly , they are quick , they can do " tricks " , and they can explore the great big beautiful ocean ! My brother likes to retell the time he went with me to the store when I was learning how to drive a stick shift . I got stuck on a hill at a red light . The car behind us pulled up way too close , and I lost my mind , scared that I would roll back into it . I swore . Bad words I 've never said before or since . I yelled at my brother to get out and tell the person behind me to back up . He refused . It was ugly . The next step in the Sisterhood process is to ask 10 more people questions . I don 't have time to do that today , so . . . sorry . It 's early dismissal day ! When I read these types of posts with a lot of questions , answers pop into my head as if I were actually answering them . Did that happen to you ? If so , let me know in the comments your answers to any of the questions I answered . I 'd love to hear them ! I spent all of Saturday morning and on into the afternoon helping my aunt and uncle and grandma haul , unpack , wash , and organize my grandma 's possessions as she moved from the house she has lived in for over 50 years to the independent living facility she is now calling home . Going through all of the things she 's accumulated over the years ( and none of it junk . I come from one OCD family who does not hold on to junk . ) , deciding what was going and what was staying took an emotional toll . At one point we were at the house regrouping , standing in the front family room . She handed me some papers and asked me to put them on the table . As I turned to do what she asked , it hit us both . There is no table in the family room anymore . That was the table she chose to take as her kitchen table at the new place . We chuckled a bit , but it was more an uncomfortable " shoot , this is really happening " moment . We had decided that we were not going to fuss or argue with my grandma about what she wanted to move . If she wanted to bring 6 lamps , we 'd pack them up and take them , even though we knew they wouldn 't fit . She hates clutter and would figure out on her own that there was a problem . She could decide which ones needed to be taken back to the house . When we were up to our elbows in decision making on what stays and what goes . When Grandma is having to choose which of her beloved books can move with her . When holding our emotions in was becoming harder and harder , the situation became ridiculous . Third from the right is Grandma . My aunt helping us is standing in front of her . My grandpa is kneeling with my uncle on his knee . My dad is standing in front of Grandpa , looking at his brother . My great - grandma is smack in the middle . Great - grandpa is to her right . I was pleasantly surprised with how well the moving went . None of us broke down . Grandma was her normal self . We played cards and enjoyed ourselves , despite the thoughts of " This is the last time we 'll play cards here . " that was in the back of all of our minds . Close to the end of my stay , I went to get the car while Grandma stayed in the facility 's entryway . When I got back , she had a look of delight mixed with mischief on her face . She was bursting to tell me the story . I am a woman who refuses to make solid plans in my life , but does whatever comes my way . As a result , I 've taught just about every grade , decorated cakes , owned a photography business , given birth to six children , and bought a 140 year old house that happened to come with a small farm . I am fortunate to have married a man who is responsible and sets goals so I don 't have to . You will often find me either driving our 12 - passenger van around town or disposing of the dead animals that frequently litter our property .

Heart of Darkness Revisited is a memoir of sorts . The original " Heart of Darkness " written by Joseph Conrad took place in the Belgian Congo , and that is also where I spent much of my childhood . I welcome comments . After the canoe I contented myself with a native girlfriend . I first met her when she came around selling fruit and vegetables . When we would not buy she would just sit around on our steps . She wasn 't real nosy or bothersome . She just sat quietly and watched what we did and how we ran our house . She was really sweat . She also had a " come hither " passivity about her that drew one towards her . I felt it very difficult to stay away . Soon we were offering her cookies like one would give to a child or a stray dog . She was simply there , peacefully taking us in . She stayed around , watching with those brown " doe eyes , " and watched - a porch sitter . We simply acquired her . She was very mature , as most of the young African women were , even at eleven years of age . I would sit on the porch steps next to her and talk . I watched her full brown breasts slide against her loose fitting blouse . Soon she was bringing us gifts . This posed a quandary , because in Africa , one can 't receive a gift without giving one in return . So , once or twice , we gave her a can of meat . A gift of meat , being a very scarce commodity , was a rare treat , and we never gave a can of meat to any other native . One day she invited me to see her parents . As my parents liked her and trusted her , they let me go . Since she lived across the river , I paddled us across in my canoe . We sauntered off into the jungle , me following her . I still don 't know why , but she seemed to have an inside line of direct communication with me and my family that made us trust her . On the way down the path to her village , we ate some fruit that she picked , and some luku . When we got to her parents house we had a full meal . We ate , we talked , we laughed . I don 't know what kind of a special occasion this was supposed to be , but it must have been meant to be something special . I only realized that later because we didn 't see her again for a full year after I returned that day . When I next saw her she had a three month old child . She was only eleven herself . She told me that she had married shortly after my last visit . She said that when she was full with child her husband had left her and gone to the city . She did not know where he was or when he would be coming back . She seemed to be suffering a great deal and we did our best to help her . She had a quiet dignity about her suffering that was appealing . It seemed to me that she suffered in such a natural way , without complaint , more like the dignity of an animal . I thought it was beautiful , not like the white man suffered . Life for the natives is hard , but they accept it , and it gives them a dignity I wish I had . There really wasn 't a lot we could do . There were also two white missionary girls that I liked to play with . They were the Delaney girls , Katherine and Jill . They went to school in the capitol with me and their parents were stationed at Bangala just like mine . It was fun having girlfriends to play with . I especially had fun the day Katherine decided to go on an outing with us boys . She was the older of the two and also the quieter one . We didn 't really know her as well as her sister . So we were surprised when she asked to go along . We took off on this particular day to the swamps for one of our exploration excursions . The water was always full of bugs and fish and turtles , and always lots of fun . We could go swimming too . Jimmy , Carl and I took her with us up the road and over a hill to the springs . We called this one , Skeleton Spring , because it had bones all over the bottom , protruding from the white sand . I imagined that the natives performed some secret rites of passage there that the missionaries knew nothing about . When we got there , as was our usual practice , we stripped and dove in for a swim . It was really thrilling to be swimming naked in front of a girl . We loved it . It was an actual acting out of every pubescent male 's fantasy . Katherine would not go so far as to take everything off , but she did undress down to her panties and swim with us . Then we carried our clothes and went walking along the miniature dikes around the springs . It must have been a funny sight - three little boys with three little erections pointing skyward , tripping along with Katherine faithfully following behind . We spent the whole afternoon with her playing and swimming but we never touched . It was thrilling enough just being with her . She never went along with us again , but this one time had been quite a thrill . We never talked about it , we didn 't tell our parents , and she never did it again . Our little adventure with Katherine was a very innocent and spontaneous event . But an occurrence a few weeks later was very different . This was something arranged by our parents . Even then , I could not figure out why this occurred . For some reason , Katherine 's parents and my parents decided to have us sleep together . I think the plan was to get us all acquainted with the facts of life before we were actually able to do anything about it . I 'll never know . None of us had yet gone through puberty . We were just arriving . They arranged for me , the older of the boys , to sleep with Jill , the younger of the girls , and for Carl , the youngest of the boys , to sleep with Katherine . I think this was done to be sure that if something did happen , no one would get pregnant . Anyhow , all of this was arranged and simply sprung on us kids . Obviously we accepted . I arrived at the Delaney 's that night in my striped pajamas , toothbrush in hand . I was put to bed with Jill , in a back room , in a large double bed . Just before we retired , Mrs . Delaney came in and put out the light . As she closed the door she whispered , " Now remember , don 't play doctor . " I couldn 't believe it ! They had arranged this - they had set it up , putting me in bed with their daughter , and then telling us to do nothing . Did they really mean " don 't play doctor , or was this a suggestion ? I never knew , and still don 't to this day . Having been put in this situation by our own parents , under their authority , I wasn 't about to do anything even remotely like playing doctor . That was something to be done in secret , without the consent of parents . We talked , we talked until late into the night , and then fell asleep . It was sweet dreams for me , but dreams only . I never even touched her , except maybe accidentally in my sleep . My pajamas never came off . We awoke as innocent as when we went to bed . We were quizzed in the morning by her parents . Later I was quizzed by mine . We maintained that nothing had happened - the truth . I asked Carl after he had spent the night with Katherine , what they had done . Again , nothing ! They told our parents the same . Who would have done different ? We knew our parents were right outside the door with their ears pressed against it . All I can figure is that maybe they were trying to be sure our libido 's were pointed in the right direction . Well they needn 't have worried about mine . Planned nights like the ones my parents arranged , nor the spontaneous ones out in the jungle , really cleared things up for me about sexuality . It was all just a big mystery . There were just too many intricacies and innuendos . I read as much as I could about it in the Encyclopedia Britannica . But all their stuff was about how the primates mated and what their sexual habits were . The only other source for this kind of information in Bangala was the pulp novels and detective story paperbacks the missionaries kept for diversion . I read a lot of those . I learned to love to read . These paperbacks took me into a whole other world , one with a lot more license than the one I lived in . Many of these pulp novels were mostly sexual in nature . The plots weren 't usually the most elaborate . I used to watch my father read them . I would watch until I would see him smile , then I would walk by and glance at the page number , later when he wasn 't around , I would read that page to see what he was smiling about . When I read them they were usually sex scenes . So I knew a little bit about my father that he wasn 't aware of . My parents never really seemed to realize that I read these books . Maybe I was too discreet . I can say they certainly were more interesting than my school books . My school books were dull in comparison . Whenever I found a book that was particularly dirty , and I didn 't want to get caught reading it , I would go hide with it in the woods . I would climb a large tree to my favorite perch and read . No one ever found me there , and no one ever suspected that I read in the woods . I learned to be careful though . One time I got so caught up in the book that I forgot where I was and fell out of the tree . Scared the heck out of me . Luckily the soft earth saved me from breaking any bones . Finally I made a hammock and hung it in my favorite tree . Now I could lay and read all day . I would take breaks only to listen to some rare bird sing his song , or watch a chameleon crawl up a limb . Many nights I would continue to read by candlelight . With wax dripping on the hand that held the candle , and the other , holding the book , I in heaven . There were many worlds in these books that I had no other access to , and they really enhanced my life , to say nothing of allowing me to exercise my sexual fantasies . Many of the pulp novels were simple vehicles to deliver sex . That 's what I thought , anyhow . At my age that was often enough . The climax of most of these books was when the hero seduced or was seduced and there ensued a furtive tumble in a convenient bed . None of the books were concerned with much else but the pursuit of the female and eventual penetration . But I was still looking for more detail . Clinical , down to the bone . So I searched harder than ever for more books with more detail on the subject . It was actually very healthy for me to have had these pulp novels available . My masculinity and my sexuality were under constant assault from the suppression and repression all around me . With the exception of the anomaly of our arranged - spending the night with the girls , I lived in a world of religious fanatics , puritanical , rigid and conforming to the core . These novels freed up my sexual inhibitions and lessened the repression . In these novels , passions were expressed , amplified , and acted upon . The heroes knew what they wanted and searched for the willing female . When they found her , they vented their passions , and that seemed good . Passions were not condemned , they were satiated . The atmosphere I was raised in was entirely the opposite . Passions were condemned as " of the flesh , " and bound to bring you down . They were to be kept under control or denied altogether . They were sinful , of this world , not the one we were supposed to be striving for . Sex was for procreation , not for fun , and it was only for married partners . As a male , our nature was condemned . We were dangerous , and females needed to be protected . This attitude made me feel guilty for my feelings . I was sinful just by virtue of having lustful feelings . These were to be curbed by whatever means possible . What made it worse , was that at the hostel we were always held up in comparison to the girls . They were passive , submissive , good ! We boys were unruly , bad , and depraved creatures . We were punished daily for our supposed transgressions . This overly frantic desire to control us only made us more rebellious and less willing to behave . If only they had just let us be . We would have been good little boys . But we never got that chance . What misery the myth of being guilty by virtue of original sin caused . There is no escaping original sin . So while we wanted to be good , we were never perceived that way , and so nothing was worse by what we did . With no choice to be good , being worse than we really were , was freedom . We therefore misbehaved with a vengeance . The quiet little girls were constantly held up to us as the better example of the human race . I am surprised we didn 't all wish we were girls , we were hounded so much about the whole business . At least I was not at the hostel now . And since my parents were busy educating and converting the natives , I was left rather much alone , which was very good for me , as supervised behavior is exhausting . Aunt Daisy wasn 't here looking over my shoulder . I was home in the bush having fun , reading twice as much as I did when I was in school . This summer I was particularly interested in an old maid that lived in the house just below ours . She would invite me down to her house to give her back rubs . I am not sure if my parents knew what I was doing or not . For her though , I imagine it was the closest thing to sex she ever got . She certainly seemed to get excited when I touched her . But I never suspected anything other than she needed some musculature relief . If she had wanted more , I never picked up on it . Or maybe she was too repressed and didn 't know she really wanted more . She had another interesting pastime . She liked to raise little dogs - a type of cocker spaniel . She had the male and her spinster sister had a the matching female . Every Christmas , the two spinsters would get together and help their dogs make puppies . It was a big production in their household . The matter became more and more serious , as after several Christmases , and much coaching and watching , there were still no puppies . Although they reported lots of supervised matings , no progeny happened . They commissioned Uncle Totty , the " go to guy , " to build a cart with wheels so they could push the male around on it . They had finally come to the conclusion that the male was just too short to get his organ up in high enough to get results . They would help him ! Well , the cart worked , and the sister 's Christmas pastime finally paid off . Their bitch produced a litter of pups . I would have loved to have watched those two old maids pushing that cart around with that male dog on it , humping away . I finished the seventh grade and we were all sent home for the summer . Bangala was a nice place to spend the summer . It was wonderful to be out of school . Uncle Totty had a large dugout canoe that had been made to his personal specifications . It was large enough to hold more than a dozen people . It had a squared off rear end so that it could accommodate an outboard motor and it was painted bright green . With the motor engaged , it would cut through the water like a speedboat . When the dry season came and the river revealed its sand bars Uncle Totty would invite us out to picnic on them . On this particular day Uncle Totty invited my family along . Picnic lunches were packed . Uncle Totty 's family , ours and one other family went on this escapade . We piled in at the dock below our house and off we went . As usual some of the natives in their little canoes tried to paddle along and keep up with us . The crowd on the shore waved goodbye . We quickly outran the smaller canoes and were in the open river . Picnics were very strange to the natives . They thought they were some kind of a rite , a ritual with a significance that they did not understand and we could not explain . We had quit trying to discuss this with the natives since they never believed us when we told them a picnic was simply that , nothing else . There was an island in the river a mile or so down stream , and it seemed to help form a number of large sand bars . We stopped on one of them . Most everyone went in swimming but I didn 't . I don 't know for sure if I was just being anti social or if I was truly afraid of getting eaten by a crocodile . Anyhow , I didn 't go in the water . I had heard many stories about people being eaten and this island was uninhabited . I thought that no one really knew for sure if this was a safe area to swim or not . I sat on the edge of the canoe and watched the others swim . Suddenly there was a rustle in the bushes at the edge of the river and a bevy young girls emerged from the river bank . They were carrying fishing baskets . Apparently they had come to the shallows between the river bank and the sand bar to fish . Seeing us there was a real surprise . They chatted amongst themselves for a minute and then they scampered across the water towards me . The water only came up to their knees . They were naked except for a few beads and G - strings . I watched wide eyed as they came bouncing towards me . They were all young teens and their firm breasts bounced on their chests as they came approached . I stared with my blue eyes wide ! I could see that their eyes were bright with discovery too . The canoes that had tried to follow us had been left behind our furrowed wake , but these girls had been blessed with stumbling across us . They weren 't from the local village , so white people were especially interesting to them . They came within ten feet of me and then stopped . I was the only one out of the water , so they stood in front of me , and pointed and laughed and smiled . They discussed me as if they were looking at a prize animal at a farm show , or maybe more like an animal in a zoo . They could not figure out what we were doing here . Their smiles showed rows of ivory white teeth . They were quite entranced with this unforeseen circumstance . And with me sitting here all by myself , they were not afraid . Soon they began to tease me by purposely jiggling their little tits at me , and moving their hips in suggestive motions . They were completely uninhibited . One of the older ones came forward with a big grin on her face , walked up to the canoe and sat down beside me . She moved her naked buttocks against my thigh . It was more excitement than I was used to . I looked out at the water and could see my father looking intently at these goings on . I could feel the pressure of his stare . I dared not move . I didn 't know who I was more afraid of , her or my father . I sat transfixed on the spot . She spoke to me but it was in one of the dialects that I did not understand , so I just smiled back . I wanted to run off with her and her friends . They seemed so free , so easy , so poised . Not stiff , not fanatical , like the missionaries I was with . But my reverie was short lived because Uncle Totty came barreling out of the water and chased them off . They ran like a bunch of rabbits , toppled into the water , and waded back to the river bank . Then they stood and watched us till we left . Later that afternoon one of Uncle Totty 's friends almost drowned , but Carl and Jimmy saved him . Two weeks later I heard from some of the natives that a large crocodile had been killed just off that very same sand bar . I was convinced that it I had gone swimming I surely would have been eaten . I never swam anywhere except right off the dock in front of our house . I knew it was safe there . That summer my father commissioned a little dugout built for my brother and I . It was made from a firm white wood and just big enough for two . We quickly mastered the little craft and soon were able to cross the river and land where we wanted to . This was not an easy task as the current in the Kwilu was very swift . You could not paddle directly across the river . It was just too fast . To do it we had to first paddle upstream along the shore where we could push with our paddles on the bottom of the river . Then , when we were far enough upstream , we would nose out into the river , still pointing the canoe upstream . One had to cross at a diagonal going upstream to cross , as the current was too strong to just head directly across . We would paddle as hard as we could . By the time we would get to the other side of the river we would have been pushed back downstream to about where we had started on the opposite bank . But we could do it , and soon did it very well . Sometimes , I would take the canoe across by myself . If I arrived on the other side , upstream from my intended landing point , I would turn the canoe around and go with the current , still paddling . Boy could I get up some speed ! I could then come swooping into the dock like a real master . Sometimes I would bring natives across that needed a lift . Once I brought a woman across that was in labor and she left blood on the bottom of my canoe . I considered it the mark of a hero . These canoes are highly maneuverable and quite suitable to water , but nonetheless , require a certain acquired skill . Standing up in one of these dugouts is a real balancing act . They are narrow with a round bottom , and barely stay upright when empty . Anyone not familiar with these canoes , finds it almost impossible to stand in one . Carl and I could stand up well in them because we had had practice in the swamps . We knew how to keep our balance . Each person riding in one of these canoes needs to have the skill . Even if there are two experienced people in one of these canoes , a third person with no balancing skill , will topple the canoe every time . All three persons end up in the water , often with the craft left upside down . This was brought home to me very clearly when my dad decided that he was going to learn to use our little dugout . My father came down to the river in a pair of army green shorts . Typical attire for him in the tropics . The natives , perceiving that something different was about to take place , followed him down to the river . A small crowd gathered while my father instructed Carl and I to unhitch the canoe from the tree root where it was securely chained and padlocked . We were frightened , as we did not want to anger him . We were sure he would end up in the river , soaking wet . We spent about five minutes explaining to him how hard it was to keep one 's balance in the dugout . He found it very difficult to believe . We wanted him to sit in the middle between us and take a couple trips across the river first , then try some paddling . But he insisted that he was going to stand up and paddle . There was nothing we could do to avoid a spanking , so we obliged . Needless to say he couldn 't do it . He couldn 't stand up and keep his balance for even a few seconds . Over and over again he turned the boat over , dumping the three of us into the river . The natives on the bank were howling with laughter . Some of them were laughing so hard they couldn 't even stand up . Several fell off the riverbank into the water . They had never seen anything like it before . I felt like one of the three stooges . My father grew angrier and angrier . He couldn 't believe that it was this hard to stand up in the canoe . Since Carl and I could stand and paddle , he thought that he should be able to . He thought Carl and I were doing something on purpose , because we couldn 't keep the canoe from tipping over , every time he stood up . He yelled and screamed at us . The natives howled even more . Here was the white missionary father trying such a simple thing and failing . Over and over and over he tumbled into the water . Over and over again we tried . We knew if dad could just relax and take a few trips sitting down , that he would get the feel of it , and be able to do it . But he wanted to do it now . It didn 't appear such a hard task . But he just couldn 't do it now ! When he finally gave up , after more than an hour , he made us put up the canoe and come with him . He scolded us all the way up the hill to the house . He was sure we had done in on purpose so as to discourage him . And he was furious with the natives who had had such a great afternoon 's entertainment . In the days that followed , my father did not ask for any more practice in canoe maneuvers . My brother and I were free to paddle wherever we liked without him . What a blessing ! I had an ulterior motive for liking to cross the river . While paddling up the shore I would always pass women bathing . That , for a pubescent boy was a real treat . The women didn 't care if I looked . Since I was paddling by , ostensibly to cross the river , I seemed innocent enough . Some of them found me amusing . So I crossed the river a lot . My stares never hurt them . I would head out across the river , paddling with my back to them , so they wouldn 't see my erection , poking out my little shorts . Once though , one of them did notice , and they all laughed when she pointed it out . Once a fish as big as my canoe turned in the water , just beside my boat . The sun caught the scales on its side , and I could see him clearly in the water . In the flash of the reflected light , I was scared to death to see how big it was . I stood frozen . And I did not return my paddle to the water until I had drifted much further downstream . I didn 't do any more canoe crossings for a number of days . It took a while for the fear to subside . The murky dark water was always frightening to the imagination , but to see such a big fish swimming next to me , seemed a real threat . Since most of the natives did not have canoes , I was often asked to give rides . I never refused . It made me feel important . Another time , I took a woman and her newborn baby across to the hospital . Actually this was stupid , for many of the natives did not swim . They would bath , but swimming was not typical . If I had dumped the canoe over , and the rider drowned , I would have been killed . The natives still believed in old testament justice , " An eye for an eye . " Even in the big cities it was like that . If you had a car accident and someone was killed , often , the driver would be pulled from his car and beaten to death . A cultural reaction . The police in Leopoldville had instructed the missionaries to not stick around if involved in an accident . They told us , " Head straight for the nearest police station and report it , but don 't stop . " When I got tired of my canoe , I played . Sometimes I took walks with a native girl I liked . With the field clear , Uncle Ron began digging the foundation , filling it with rocks and cement . Uncle Ron was an ordained minister , not an architect . This however , was not a stumbling block . He would build it as best he could . That 's how the missionaries got so much done . They just did it . Then they lived with it . They weren 't the poor me types . There were no building codes , and a white man could build just about whatever he wanted . Miracles were performed under this can do system - chaos with a mission . Uncle Totty flew in from the bush once in awhile to help ; he was the official builder sent out from our mission board . The place was built without professionals , much of it done with child labor , both willing and unwilling . By the end of the year , the new hostel was up and running . We children and our hostel parents moved in . What real joy ! This house was full of children . Adults seemed superfluous . Twenty four people in all , and only three adults . It was big , it was beautiful , but mostly it was ours . The hostel was in the shape of the letter Y . The large center area was for playing games and for meetings and devotions . One wing was the kitchen and dinning area , the eating area facing the center . The other two wings , one for boys and one for girls , were dormitories with a central bath and shower . Uncle Ron and Aunt Daisy roomed at the entrance to the boys wing . An Australian spinster roomed at the entrance to the girls wing . You can guess what her job was . Keep the boys out ! This brings up the subject of sexuality . It was a huge paradox to be in Africa , while being children of strong Puritan lineage . At home , around our missionary parents and guardians , sex was taboo , while outdoors among the natives , sexuality was pervasive . You could start just by looking around , sex was being performed by every kind of insect , lizard , bird , toad , rodent , and by the pigs , goats , sheep , chickens and ducks that roamed freely . The desirable hens had no feathers left on the back of their necks because that 's where the roosters grabbed them . The tropical jungle was a regular sex parade . On top of that , the African children seemed to mature much earlier than us white children . Most girls were pregnant by the time their breasts were developed , and they went on being pregnant till they died , or passed menopause . It was very noticeable . I could never figure out why . No birth control and no restraint - a big cultural difference ! The average native life span was around forty years , so short that marrying and having children early was a necessity . All the native women in their teens had children . From a young boy 's perspective , I was enticed early , as bare breasted women were everywhere , especially in the bush . Nursing was done constantly by the majority of women , and so breasts were always in view . And of course , sex had to be a constant to keep the flow of children coming because half of them died before the age of three . So many children died that a family would get two or three to adulthood out of six or seven born . So children were expected to grow up fast , and be productive as soon as possible . We white children in comparison were kept children as long as possible . Most certainly we were kept away from sex . As best as that can be managed with sex going on all around . Africa was teaming with life and everywhere you turned their was one animal on top of another or one insect stuck to the other , end to end . It didn 't take much to figure out what all the bugs , toads , lizards , chickens , goats and sheep were dI always thought that the missionaries wanted to keep us children as long as possible to lengthen the time for indoctrination . For I can readily say that the most dominant feeling I had as a child was that I was being indoctrinated . The longer we were physically and psychologically dependent , the longer the adults had to structure our minds in their manner . Missionaries were good at this . One could paraphrase a famous poem and say , " A child is a child , is a child , is a child . " The missionaries wanted us to be children for life - psychologically at least . They took over whole native cultures didn 't they ? They were expert . So missionary children like myself learned to daydream - the only mental freedom we had . No one could see in here . And I learned to hide very well . What other choice did I have ? Unfortunately , years of practicing this led me to be hidden from myself . Sometime during the year of the new hostel , I got hold of a BB gun . It wasn 't mine , but belonged to a friend who didn 't use it . It didn 't work at the time that I discovered it , but I talked him into letting me fix it . I did get it fixed and had my mother send down all the BB 's I had brought from the U . S . Every day after school I would go hunting . I must have killed ten to fifteen birds each afternoon . I also shot lizards and toads , but BB 's don 't kill them and they would just run away wounded . Soon I could gauge the effect of the wind and the pull of gravity , making with every shot , the appropriate adjustments . I shot any bird available , and spared none . If it came into view , I shot it . I even shot tiny little hummingbirds . In order to lessen my guilt I would give the birds , even the smallest of them , to the natives . They ate them , as they ate anything that moved . I watched them once cook a hummingbird I provided in with some beans . It added just a touch of meat flavor . The hardest birds to kill , or even get close to , were doves . You could hardly get close to them . They were a very shy breed . There were two kinds . The " Road Dove , " so called because tI had very little sympathy for other animals . I don 't know why . Part of being male I suppose . As I grew older and began to feel some guilt , I began to rationalized my behavior . I would tell myself that certain animals were pests , or that others were just so ugly they deserved death , just for looking that bad . But these were all just excuses . One of the ugly species I justified killing , were the local fruit bats . They fed at night in the mango trees . They made a lot of noise . And they really were ugly . A fruit bat is very large . The wing span is often five feet . From the middle of each wing protrudes a bony hand that was once a forelimb . If that weren 't frightening enough , the face reminds one of a moose , only with pointed ears and many soft folds of skin around the nose and mouth . The folds are part of a smelling apparatus for feeding in the dark . The first time I saw one up close I would not even touch it . We had shot it out of a tree just at dusk , right outside the hostel . It was wounded in the wing and tumbled out of the tree to the ground . We played with it for many hours , eventually , killing it . We missionary kids were always forming clubs . Each had its own clandestine purposes and operations . As long as a club could keep exclusive membership or retain their secrets it survived . Once these aspects were lost , the club would falter and die . What was there to attract one , or to preserve , once the mystique was gone ? The tree house clubs were the most fun . There were many formed and many tree houses built . But building a tree house was just the beginning . The real fun was fighting to keep other boys our of your tree house . There were many great battles fought when a rival gang would desecrate your club 's tree house . Oh what terrible fights we got into . Sometimes they would last for months , with battles being fought every day or so . The boys that couldn 't run very fast had to learn to stand and hold their ground or stay in and read . Once in a great while you might be able to get a girl to go up in the tree house with you . If you could accomplish this , it was great storytelling . You could say you got a kiss , or played some doctor game . Your prestige would go way up . If you were actually seen in a tree house with a girl , you would be talked about and discussed , which was greatly desired by all . Sneaking around the hostel in the still of the night was a wonderful thrill . Though it was frowned upon by our foster parents , they had to get some sleep . We boys would creep down the girl 's hall in the dead of night , fantasizing all the nasty things we would like to do . One night I was dared to go all the way down to the end of the girl 's wing . Not being able to refuse , due to my reputation , I went . Just when I got there , the whole rest of the gang made a big noise , clapping and screaming just outside our beloved spinster 's door . Out she came in a flash , and I only had time to duck into a closet . I must have stayed there hiding for several hours . I was certain that I would be discovered . She even opened the closet door several times , but she never saw me . My heart was pounding like a cannon . I thought for sure she could hear it , and know I was there . Finally , after I felt she might have gone back to bed , I crept out . I snuck quickly back to my bed and stayed quite tame for several months . I was really upset with the rest of the gang that had tried to get me in trouble . After that , I contented myself with raiding the kitchen fridge for several months . I didn 't want to be accused of something in the spinster 's imagination . This year there were several of us older boys that were approaching puberty . There was a natural arousal and interest in sex . We watched the dogs and cats do it . We watched all the animals do it . We were very excited by all these new feelings . Girls seemed unfathomably desirable . When we were with any of the girls , and witnessed some of the compound dogs mating , it was even more exciting . We would look at the girls ' eyes and faces and " Hey Becky ! What 's wrong with you ? Can 't you take off your T - shirt anymore ? " I said . " My father said I was not to take my shirt off anymore , " she countered . We teased her mercilessly that day , and for several weeks afterwards . Poor girl , she really wanted to be one of us , but her body was taking her away from us . It was only a short while after this that we began to notice little budding breasts through her shirts . When she got sweaty from playing hard , her T - shirt would stick to the little buds that stuck out of her chest . Her dad must have seen them coming . We would get her to play four square and basketball with us just so she would sweat and we could peak at the revelation inconspicuously . As we boys that were reaching puberty , we felt more of the urge , and began to sneak around the compound at night . We spied in the bathroom windows from whatever hiding places we could find . And we would run at the sound of footsteps that might be someone out to catch us . We spent many hours waiting in the bushes outside bathroom windows , patiently waiting for any glimpse , however fleeting of any of the missionary wives or older daughter . There wasn 't a single woman on the compound that one of us hadn 't seen naked . My brother and I discovered that you could get up in the attic of the hostel by climbing through the porch , which had no ceiling . We would sneak up through there and go over the girls showers and lift up a ceiling tile . We could see them showering plain as plain as day . That was great fun . We kept that one a secret . It was too good to loose by spreading the word and having some bozo get caught . There was a pretty risqué business going on during evening devotions too . While we were supposed to be listening to the Bible readings and singing hymns , we would be looking up the girls bathrobes . The devotions were directly after showers . So we would all be in our night cloths . Some of the girls could never sit and keep their legs together . While Uncle Ron read in a high monotone from the " Good Book , " and Aunt Daisy led the hymns , we boys would be peering up the girl 's robes and down their tops . They were naked underneath . We boys shared a lot of pleasant sights . One of the girls , Jill , with quite voluptuous breasts , was so oblivious to our stares , that we could literally stand there and just stare at them . She never noticed . She could never keep her legs together either . One night Uncle Ron saw what was going on and ordered all the girls to wear underwear under their robes to devotions . end chapter 15 The best year that I could remember was now over . I was on my way back to Africa , the humid , green , hot , unpredictable Congo . Not the Belgian Congo any longer , just the Congo . The name would soon be changed to Zaire , and the capital city would be called , Kinshasa , not Leopoldville . I had had a year 's vacation from the pain of always being a foreigner . Now I was off to be one again . I hoped it would be better this time . We took a Pan Am plane back to the Congo , and again , the first leg was to Belgium . It was still the major airline hub to the Congo . We returned to a free country , no longer a colony , and we hoped more peaceful . We returned to Bangala the place we had left just a year before . For some reason , our house , singled out from all the other missionary houses , had been lived in during our absence . My father had always been friendly with the Congolese , inviting them into our home and often for supper . It seemed that this may have been the reason that the natives felt free to live in our house while we were gone , but not in any of the other homes . I stood in the middle of my room and cried . I felt violated . Rape must feel something like this . Although most of what I could remember was still around , it had all been used . My clothes had all been worn . Some were now yellowed and had holes worn in them . I went through all my things and felt the old familiar pain , the mental anguish of my childhood . Nothing was really mine , everything that was mine had been desecrated , handled by someone else , without my consent . It didn 't cheer me to hear the other missionaries telling how their houses were exactly as they had left them - even to the point of twenty francs of change still on a dresser where it had been left . All I could think , was , " Why my house , my room , my things ! " I knew life wasn 't fair , but this violation was too constant . We spent the summer in Bangala , a vacation of sorts . I got used to the new situation , and then it was time to go back to school again , in the big city , Leopoldville . We occupied the same yellow tow story hostel we had had before . This time however , we were on the second floor and we had new hostel parents . Uncle Ron and Aunt Daisy . On our arrival we were told that this year , a new hostel would be built . The new one would be built as a hostel , designed just for that purpose . That too was good news . It made us feel important . Being shuttled around all the time had never made me feel important , a theme that was pervasive for me . There was a very fortunate occurrence regarding school . This year , a Mennonite sect from Kansas had set up an English speaking school . It was an international school that took in missionary kids as well as other foreigners , mostly the sons and daughters of the foreign service and large companies with staff in the Congo . I was elated to be going to school , taught in English , for the second year in a row . I had been luck , and was now in class at my grade level . I had caught up . The year started out okay . Then uncle Don came down with hepatitis , some called it yellow jaundice . It was type A , the kind that was spread through bathrooms . Every male in the hostel got it . Uncle Ron was partially better when all us boys came down with it . Uncle Ron almost died from it . We kids thought for sure we would die from it . Oh , were we sick ! Yellow to the bone , pissing blood and vomiting till our guts seemed inside out . One by one we boys got sick . First a yellowing of the skin became noticeable , then the whites of our eyes turned yellow , then the weakness and nausea . Then our urine would turn blood red with bile and then the vomiting would begin . I was the last to get it . I was so weak I could barely lift my head when the others were feeling better . I only had the energy to vomit . So while I was so weak I couldn 't move the other kids were well enough to take advantage of me . They couldn 't get out of bed so they entertained themselves by making soggy paper wads and shooting them at me with rubber bands . Splat , splat , one after another the wet wads hit my head . I complained to Aunt Daisy , but every time she came in they hid them . Since she couldn 't catch them she didn 't think it was as bad as I made it out to be . So much for a another start at school . We were all thin and very weak when it was all over . We were told by the doctor not to play any sports for a year , and not to do physical labor either . But that advice lasted about as long as it took us to get outside . We didn 't hesitate to play . We just quit when we were so tired we couldn 't stand . There was also work to be done . There was a new hostel to be built . We kids were invited to help . Since so many projects in the mission field are team efforts , and much of the labor voluntary , kids were allowed to help . We actually did do quite a lot of work . It was one of the few things that made us feel important . Uncle Ron was in charge of construction , although he had never built a house before , nor had he any education in building construction . He just got advice from Uncle Totty , another missionary , but with extensive building experience . Uncle Ron showed us kids where the field was to be cleared and we set about doing it . We had a lot of fun . For instance , is there anything children like more than being destructive ? I certainly enjoyed being destructive as a child . Anyhow , the first order of the day was to knock down the old servants ' quarters and cook house . We weren 't given any specific instructions , just permission to level it . We proceeded to do just that , with whatever tool we found . We made a game if it , and carried out the scheme . The servant 's quarters was long narrow series of rooms - baked mud bricks held together with mud . It had served as decent lodging for many years , but with a gang of boys cut loose on it , it was rubble in no time . We played war games , threw bricks and rocks , pushed walls , and kicked and screamed . It never seemed like work . Soon the place was leveled . All that was left was a pile of sand which we smoothed out level with the the ground . The next order was to cut down all the trees , mostly palm trees that were in the way . That too became fun and games . Uncle Ron , to speed things up , offered us 50 francs for every palm tree we cut down . If you have ever tried to cut down a palm tree , you know it is not an easy task . The reason is simple . The palm tree rises from the ground on its roots . The older it is , the higher it sits on its roots . Sometime the tree may be sitting four feet off the ground . These roots are one mass of solid spongy tough fiber . Cutting into this bulbous mass of root is like trying to cut steel with a rubber spatula . The spongy roots give when struck with an ax or machete , and the tool bounces back at you . No damage to the root . But dangerous to you . Very frustrating . I started out with a lot of enthusiasm on one particular tree . My enthusiasm didn 't last long . I took a break and began to think how I could get the job done the easiest . I had two ideas . One was to get someone else to work for less than I would get paid , and secondly , I would see if I could cut one palm tree down in such as way as it would fall and hit another tree . It would surely knock that one over too . At least that is what I thought . I bragged about my idea , but Uncle Ron told me it couldn 't be done . The next day I recruited an older African student to help me . I told him I would give him a stick of gum if he would cut the tree down for me . He agreed , I don 't know if he did it for the gum , or just for something to do . Perhaps he thought if he got involved , he would get a regular job out of it . I don 't know . But he did proceed and I instructed him as to how I wanted the tree to fall so it would hit another one just thirty feet away . We did it . He cut while I watched . By that afternoon , the first tree fell . Just as it reached its full thrust of the fall , it hit the other palm tree which it uprooted and tore from the ground . They both lay fallen and I was ecstatic . I had been brilliant . A real capitalist . A creative artist ! I ran to Uncle Ron for my 100 francs , 50 for each tree . He didn 't believe me at first , when I told him what I had done . He had to come see for himself . He was sort of pissed off that I had done what he said couldn 't be done - and by a child as well ! When he saw that I had in fact done it , he had to give me the 100 francs . He knew that the second tree that was uprooted was no accident either , because I had told him ahead of time what I had proposed to do . But being the adult , and the hostel parent , he made me give 50 francs , half of what I had earned , to the student who had helped me . I really resented that since I had already given him his stick of gum . What is fair ? All in the eyes of the perceiver . end chapter 14 There was a town in a valley not to far from Hossburg were my cousins lived . The cousins were Uncle John 's and Aunt Helaine 's children . I loved being at their house . It was so warm and human , not cold as so many places I had lived . Uncle John was gone a lot driving his coal trucks , but still we felt that he liked being with us children best when he wasn 't working . My cousins were a friendly bunch and very positive in outlook . Bad things happened , but they took them in stride so well , you almost couldn 't notice . Since my aunt and uncle had five children of their own , they understood children and related easily to me , my brothers and sisters . It seems that if we weren 't at my grandfather 's we were at their place . Their house was also on route 15 , about twenty feet from the edge of the road . Trucks roared by day and night . At night they didn 't even slow down and you could look out the front door and see them whizzing by at seventy miles an hour . Few dogs or cats survived living at this house on the highway . A few smart ones with a natural instinct for the dangers of the road , did survive . Uncle John and Aunt Helaine lost a couple horses to route 15 . Right out the back door was a white picket fence that kept the horses corralled . It was very nice to look out the kitchen window and see the horses . When we were young and small they kept ponies and small horses . We rode them most of the summer . When we weren 't riding we would be playing in the pasture . Playing in the Tioga river . There were a few places deep enough to swim in , and there were plenty of small pebbles to skip on the water . My aunt Helaine had run off with Uncle John when she was just fourteen . He was in his twenties and back from the World War II . He had been a bombardier on a B - 15 with war stories to tell , and a purple heart . My grandpa , the preacher , had a lot of trouble keeping his kids home . What with my dad eloping with my mother , and Helaine running off at fourteen . He hadn 't liked Uncle John from the very beginning . The two of them kept a quiet tolerance most of the time . Grandpa used to say that he knew Uncle John 's family and there was some genetic predisposition to epilepsy . He didn 't want his grandchildren picking up any of that . But grandpa turned out to be right as several of Uncle John 's children were epileptic . It never slowed them down much . No hiding it . We talked openly about it . It never became a stumbling block for any of those affected . After a summer in the U . S . , my father decided to go back to the mission station at Bangala , even though it was not safe . So he left us , mom and 4 children , and went back to the Belgian Congo . We kids were glad he was gone . Life would be easier with his overbearing authority weighing on us . We spent our time playing to our hearts content . My grandfather built a go - cart . It was pieced together from old mine carts , washing machine parts , and an old lawn mower engine . It looked like a little red box - cart , except it had a real motor . We rode it up and down the driveway bouncing in and out of the potholes . We chased rabbits in it , and sometimes tried to scare the old landlady . She may have been more of a sport than we gave her credit for , because we never heard a word from Grandpa about bothering here . When we tired of the go - cart grandpa dug a pond . The rains filled it and he made a little boat from two car hoods from a junkyard welded together . Those old hoods had sides and when welded end to end , made a nice metal boat . We paddled around in that little pond by the hour , making believe it was big a big ocean . We were pirates of the open seas and dug for buried treasure on the Tioga river bank . We convinced ourselves that pirates had come up the Tioga and buried their treasures on the banks , right where we were digging . Sometimes we took off along the railroad tracks as they followed the river . We liked throwing rocks at all the snakes that liked to lay in the tracks basking in the sun . Sometimes we took a BB gun or pellet gun along and shot at them . We tried to kill rabbits too , but we just hurt them mostly . Blinded a few , at least in one eye , before they got away . We shot a lot of robins too , even though Grandpa would remind us that they were protected by law and we weren 't supposed to . One of our favorite pastimes was to go out to the city dump at night and watch for bears . We would park along the rim of the dump and leave our lights on . Often bears would take advantage of the light and rummage through the garbage in the glare of our headlights . When the bears moved on we would drive home slowly spotting dear , raccoon , and other small animals . It was very exciting . When all was quiet on these leisurely drives , we would beg grandpa to quit smoking . He had had several heart attacks already , and cancer of the throat . We didn 't want him to die and take away all our fun . But he never would stop . He liked it too much . During the day people would go to the dump and shoot rats with a 22 caliber rifle . Not much else to do for entertainment in these hills . I didn 't like guns with bullets . I liked air guns because they were quiet . The others hurt my ears . I was in the minority though . Most of these hill people liked guns and hunting . I guess grandpa got tired of just looking at bears and decided he would get his youngest son a bear gun . What he bought was a 303 English infantry rifle . He found it at an Army Navy surplus store . Only paid seven dollars for it . It had a wooden stock that went all the way down the barrel . He sawed the extra wood off to make it look more like modern rifle . He smoothed down the edges , sanded and polished it , and what a beauty it turned out to be . He called it his bear gun . Sonny killed a lot of deer and a few bear with it over the next several years . I didn 't like killing dear . Squirrels were about as big an animal as I really wanted to shoot . My grandfather would shoot squirrels right out of the trees . He was a good shot . He would make us squirrel caps with the tail hanging down the back . We even ate some squirrel meat , but it was very stringy and tough and hardly worth the trouble . The days got shorter and so did the fun . Then the fun ended when school began . I was taken to school early to take a bunch of tests . These placement tests were to see if I could be moved back up a grade or two . I passed the fifth grade level test with a D , so they passed me to the sixth grade . If this hadn 't been done I would have been behind in school my whole life . I wanted to be with my peers just like everyone else . The school bus left from the center of town . I had to walk there to catch it . It used to drive me crazy because this was the opposite direction of the school . After all the trouble I went to get to the bus stop , the bus would pass right back by my house to get to the school . To walk a mile in the cold and snow , then wait outside for fifteen minutes at the bus stop , only to pass my grandpa 's cozy house a half hour later seemed absurd ! None of my cousins were at the school with me . They lived a few miles away . A little grammar school was just up the road from my Uncle John 's house , and I would have liked to live with them and go to school half a block away , but their house was already crowded . The two cousins that were old enough to go to school were taught at home because of the epilepsy problem . I felt slighted because they got special treatment and I wanted some too . I surprised myself and did fairly well in school . I think part of the reason was that my father wasn 't there to criticize me . I did much better on my own without someone hanging over my shoulders telling me to study . I got no satisfaction out of studying for my dad , only for myself . I felt getting average grades . I didn 't need to get straight A 's , as my father thought . While he was gone , I didn 't even flunk math . Neither did I cause undue trouble for my teachers . They thought I was normal . What a change of experience for me . Didn 't get in many fights . I liked the absence of my father and relished in the freedom from constant overseeing . The good food and good television also did me a lot of good . I even got a little chubby from my indulgences . That winter was not as fun as the summer had been , but it was good . My feelings about myself were on the mend . It was a year of much less mental pain than I had gotten used to . The change did me a lot of good . Turned out to be one of the best school years of my life ! I don 't associate a lot of pain with that year ; that 's how i know . The lack of constant torment allowed me to blossom . I knew my father had had a troubled and tortured childhood , but I didn 't understand why he couldn 't do better . After a year , things had settled down in the Congo . It was time for us to return as well . My father sent for us and it was back to the bush again . We drove the two lane blacktop through the hills to the small town where I had spent the first few years of my life . I hadn 't been back for four years . Seemed like forever . Like so many other mining towns in the area , Hossburg seemed to by dying - - it was at least , at a standstill . The coal veins had given out and the young had been moving out in droves . Those that stayed behind , or where left behind , managed as best they could . My grandfather ministered to them from a small Baptist church , white clapboard , with a baptismal picture behind the pulpit . He had stayed with this small church in the dying town for a long time . He could have had a big church in a larger city , but he preferred the intimacy of a small town and a small church . He never went back to the big city and the big congregations . Route 15 runs right through the middle of town . My grandfather 's rented house was just off the highway down a gravel drive full of potholes . That summer we kids spent a lot of time and effort trying to fill the holes , just because we loved him so much . He played with us ; so we worked for him , whether he asked for our help or not . My grandfather only had three quarters of the house - the downstairs and half of the second story . The other half of the upstairs was occupied by the landlady . She kept an eye on us , so that the whole family under surveillance . But , we never saw her much and were glad that we didn 't . We kids used to love to jump off the steps that led to her apartment , round the back of the house . They were steep with open side rails . We would climb them and jump out the side , daring each other to jump from one step higher . I don 't remember any of us ever breaking a limb , but it is difficult to understand how we did not . At the top of the stairs was a door that the landlady rarely used . It was her back door . One afternoon while I was watching TV I saw how a thief was able to get into someone 's house without breaking in . He saw through the keyhole that the key was on the inside of the lock . He slipped a newspaperFurther down to the right there was an old chicken coop . Next to it , a red barn , left over from when this land had been a farm . Most of my grandfather 's descendent 's learned to ride bike by riding down the hill from the barn to the road . It wasn 't too steep so you could learn to coast down it before you had to peddle . I learned on that little hill too . Beside the barn was a small woods . In the middle of the woods there were some old mining carts . There was some old mining track laying around as well . Rabbits and small animals were plentiful . We had lots of rocks from the river to throw at them . There were lots of snakes too , attracted to the rock for cover . Many of them were copperheads and rattlers . In the summer when we would go blackberry picking with Grandpa and Uncle John . They would tell us to " Watch out for the rattlers . " But none of us ever got bit . Once we saw a black bear in the woods and grandpa made us stay out if it for a few days . My grandfather kept a hammock in the woods . He liked to lie there by the hour just looking up at the sky . I always wondered what he was thinking , but I never asked him . He liked resting in the woods cause grandma never came out there . He counted on that . Besides , he was watching the kids . He loved watching us play . Didn 't want to play with us , just watch . And we liked that . The older he got , the more he liked kids , and the more he spent time with us . He always said adults could learn more from kids than the other way around . That 's what he used to tell me anyway . I asked him why he didn 't go back to one of the big churches in the city where they would pay him better . He always said they needed him more here . I am sure he was right . I think he liked being needed . He was only happy making sacrifices . A trait my father seemed to have taken from him . With all the traveling in my life , and all the changes , it was always nice to return to Grandpa 's house . This was the only place that ever felt like home to me . Every other place was just that , some other place . I especially liked the dinning area . It was not a separate room from the kitchen , but an extension of it . It was usually crowded , and we never knew how many people would be there for a meal . You see , we kids were driven back and forth between Uncle John 's and Grandpa 's according to our whim of the moment . It was like having two homes . However crowded the dining room may have been , we could always squeeze in another person . This was because the dining table was long and narrow , and had church pews on either side . You could just about squeeze as many people on one of those benches as you wanted to . You just sat closer and tighter . The table itself was really a large picnic table . At each end of the table was a metal folding chair . At the head of the table , on the wall , was a large picture of a child in a highchair saying his blessing . That always seemed to remind me that I was in a preacher 's home . One could feel very important sitting at the head of this table , with the picture behind you , and the church pews on either side . Very medieval in feeling . The kitchen was just that , a serviceable area with a pink counter top , an old toaster , and one or two other appliances . Not the kitchen of a great chief , but Grandpa could make that kitchen sing . He even rigged up the old fridge so it worked even after the handle broke off . In its place was a large spoon . It had a whole drilled in one end attached to the inside latch . You just pulled the spoon to open the door . It worked well and was a good conversation piece , except that Grandma hated it . There were a lot of jerry - rigged house parts in this area , as there was little money for repairs . The rest of the house was run down too , but cozy . There were lots of old pieces of stuffed furniture that years ago had already taken on the shape of the human form . Where the fabric had worn off , there were covers put on and tucked in at the edges . There were rug pictures hung on the walls . Very common in this part of the country . Mostly they were animal pictures : bears , tigers and deer . Also there were numerous drawings and paintings of my father 's , ones he had painted as a boy . They were all lost when Grandpa burned the house down . They were mostly scenes of the woods and the outdoors . Things I never saw my father interested in , maybe he just outgrew them . I often looked at them and wondered where that little boy was , that drew those pictures , and why I couldn 't find him in my father . I especially liked the early morning breakfasts my grandfather made . The smell of his special style of scrambled eggs mixed with the smoke of his Pall Mall cigarettes , non filtered , was a sure call to breakfast . He always seemed to know who would be up and always fixed just enough . I never could figure out how he did it . Sometimes it was just me and him . What a delight ! Those times made me feel so important . So special . I can still remember his pale skin beneath his white hair , a cigarette hanging from his lips as he spread jelly on toast . Sitting in one of those large pews with him at the head of the table seemed like dinning with royalty . NothingI did not want to make the sacrifices he did . I didn 't want to make sacrifices for the natives , even less for the little old ladies in the small town churches . Their lives were already spent . Why should I be their Sunday morning entertainment . I didn 't have my childhood for myself , it was given away to others , and I couldn 't stop it . I just wanted my life to be mine . I needed to play and be free to discover myself . Not be told who I was and how to be every single second of my life . I didn 't want to be a model for church congregations . I wanted to be on in my own skin , in my own mind , on my own turf . I wanted to forget all the grown up stuff - all that religion . I could choose that later , couldn 't I ? Maybe after I had completed my childhood job - playing - that wonderful activity that comes so naturally to children . I did not want it now ! The alter of sacrificing , suffering , physical or mental , religious or otherwise , was not one on which I was voluntarily going to through myself . I was glad when my father decided he was going back to Africa alone . It was still too dangerous for families we were told . He left and we stayed behind living at Grandpa 's . end chapter 12

Heart of Darkness Revisited is a memoir of sorts . The original " Heart of Darkness " written by Joseph Conrad took place in the Belgian Congo , and that is also where I spent much of my childhood . I welcome comments . After the canoe I contented myself with a native girlfriend . I first met her when she came around selling fruit and vegetables . When we would not buy she would just sit around on our steps . She wasn 't real nosy or bothersome . She just sat quietly and watched what we did and how we ran our house . She was really sweat . She also had a " come hither " passivity about her that drew one towards her . I felt it very difficult to stay away . Soon we were offering her cookies like one would give to a child or a stray dog . She was simply there , peacefully taking us in . She stayed around , watching with those brown " doe eyes , " and watched - a porch sitter . We simply acquired her . She was very mature , as most of the young African women were , even at eleven years of age . I would sit on the porch steps next to her and talk . I watched her full brown breasts slide against her loose fitting blouse . Soon she was bringing us gifts . This posed a quandary , because in Africa , one can 't receive a gift without giving one in return . So , once or twice , we gave her a can of meat . A gift of meat , being a very scarce commodity , was a rare treat , and we never gave a can of meat to any other native . One day she invited me to see her parents . As my parents liked her and trusted her , they let me go . Since she lived across the river , I paddled us across in my canoe . We sauntered off into the jungle , me following her . I still don 't know why , but she seemed to have an inside line of direct communication with me and my family that made us trust her . On the way down the path to her village , we ate some fruit that she picked , and some luku . When we got to her parents house we had a full meal . We ate , we talked , we laughed . I don 't know what kind of a special occasion this was supposed to be , but it must have been meant to be something special . I only realized that later because we didn 't see her again for a full year after I returned that day . When I next saw her she had a three month old child . She was only eleven herself . She told me that she had married shortly after my last visit . She said that when she was full with child her husband had left her and gone to the city . She did not know where he was or when he would be coming back . She seemed to be suffering a great deal and we did our best to help her . She had a quiet dignity about her suffering that was appealing . It seemed to me that she suffered in such a natural way , without complaint , more like the dignity of an animal . I thought it was beautiful , not like the white man suffered . Life for the natives is hard , but they accept it , and it gives them a dignity I wish I had . There really wasn 't a lot we could do . There were also two white missionary girls that I liked to play with . They were the Delaney girls , Katherine and Jill . They went to school in the capitol with me and their parents were stationed at Bangala just like mine . It was fun having girlfriends to play with . I especially had fun the day Katherine decided to go on an outing with us boys . She was the older of the two and also the quieter one . We didn 't really know her as well as her sister . So we were surprised when she asked to go along . We took off on this particular day to the swamps for one of our exploration excursions . The water was always full of bugs and fish and turtles , and always lots of fun . We could go swimming too . Jimmy , Carl and I took her with us up the road and over a hill to the springs . We called this one , Skeleton Spring , because it had bones all over the bottom , protruding from the white sand . I imagined that the natives performed some secret rites of passage there that the missionaries knew nothing about . When we got there , as was our usual practice , we stripped and dove in for a swim . It was really thrilling to be swimming naked in front of a girl . We loved it . It was an actual acting out of every pubescent male 's fantasy . Katherine would not go so far as to take everything off , but she did undress down to her panties and swim with us . Then we carried our clothes and went walking along the miniature dikes around the springs . It must have been a funny sight - three little boys with three little erections pointing skyward , tripping along with Katherine faithfully following behind . We spent the whole afternoon with her playing and swimming but we never touched . It was thrilling enough just being with her . She never went along with us again , but this one time had been quite a thrill . We never talked about it , we didn 't tell our parents , and she never did it again . Our little adventure with Katherine was a very innocent and spontaneous event . But an occurrence a few weeks later was very different . This was something arranged by our parents . Even then , I could not figure out why this occurred . For some reason , Katherine 's parents and my parents decided to have us sleep together . I think the plan was to get us all acquainted with the facts of life before we were actually able to do anything about it . I 'll never know . None of us had yet gone through puberty . We were just arriving . They arranged for me , the older of the boys , to sleep with Jill , the younger of the girls , and for Carl , the youngest of the boys , to sleep with Katherine . I think this was done to be sure that if something did happen , no one would get pregnant . Anyhow , all of this was arranged and simply sprung on us kids . Obviously we accepted . I arrived at the Delaney 's that night in my striped pajamas , toothbrush in hand . I was put to bed with Jill , in a back room , in a large double bed . Just before we retired , Mrs . Delaney came in and put out the light . As she closed the door she whispered , " Now remember , don 't play doctor . " I couldn 't believe it ! They had arranged this - they had set it up , putting me in bed with their daughter , and then telling us to do nothing . Did they really mean " don 't play doctor , or was this a suggestion ? I never knew , and still don 't to this day . Having been put in this situation by our own parents , under their authority , I wasn 't about to do anything even remotely like playing doctor . That was something to be done in secret , without the consent of parents . We talked , we talked until late into the night , and then fell asleep . It was sweet dreams for me , but dreams only . I never even touched her , except maybe accidentally in my sleep . My pajamas never came off . We awoke as innocent as when we went to bed . We were quizzed in the morning by her parents . Later I was quizzed by mine . We maintained that nothing had happened - the truth . I asked Carl after he had spent the night with Katherine , what they had done . Again , nothing ! They told our parents the same . Who would have done different ? We knew our parents were right outside the door with their ears pressed against it . All I can figure is that maybe they were trying to be sure our libido 's were pointed in the right direction . Well they needn 't have worried about mine . Planned nights like the ones my parents arranged , nor the spontaneous ones out in the jungle , really cleared things up for me about sexuality . It was all just a big mystery . There were just too many intricacies and innuendos . I read as much as I could about it in the Encyclopedia Britannica . But all their stuff was about how the primates mated and what their sexual habits were . The only other source for this kind of information in Bangala was the pulp novels and detective story paperbacks the missionaries kept for diversion . I read a lot of those . I learned to love to read . These paperbacks took me into a whole other world , one with a lot more license than the one I lived in . Many of these pulp novels were mostly sexual in nature . The plots weren 't usually the most elaborate . I used to watch my father read them . I would watch until I would see him smile , then I would walk by and glance at the page number , later when he wasn 't around , I would read that page to see what he was smiling about . When I read them they were usually sex scenes . So I knew a little bit about my father that he wasn 't aware of . My parents never really seemed to realize that I read these books . Maybe I was too discreet . I can say they certainly were more interesting than my school books . My school books were dull in comparison . Whenever I found a book that was particularly dirty , and I didn 't want to get caught reading it , I would go hide with it in the woods . I would climb a large tree to my favorite perch and read . No one ever found me there , and no one ever suspected that I read in the woods . I learned to be careful though . One time I got so caught up in the book that I forgot where I was and fell out of the tree . Scared the heck out of me . Luckily the soft earth saved me from breaking any bones . Finally I made a hammock and hung it in my favorite tree . Now I could lay and read all day . I would take breaks only to listen to some rare bird sing his song , or watch a chameleon crawl up a limb . Many nights I would continue to read by candlelight . With wax dripping on the hand that held the candle , and the other , holding the book , I in heaven . There were many worlds in these books that I had no other access to , and they really enhanced my life , to say nothing of allowing me to exercise my sexual fantasies . Many of the pulp novels were simple vehicles to deliver sex . That 's what I thought , anyhow . At my age that was often enough . The climax of most of these books was when the hero seduced or was seduced and there ensued a furtive tumble in a convenient bed . None of the books were concerned with much else but the pursuit of the female and eventual penetration . But I was still looking for more detail . Clinical , down to the bone . So I searched harder than ever for more books with more detail on the subject . It was actually very healthy for me to have had these pulp novels available . My masculinity and my sexuality were under constant assault from the suppression and repression all around me . With the exception of the anomaly of our arranged - spending the night with the girls , I lived in a world of religious fanatics , puritanical , rigid and conforming to the core . These novels freed up my sexual inhibitions and lessened the repression . In these novels , passions were expressed , amplified , and acted upon . The heroes knew what they wanted and searched for the willing female . When they found her , they vented their passions , and that seemed good . Passions were not condemned , they were satiated . The atmosphere I was raised in was entirely the opposite . Passions were condemned as " of the flesh , " and bound to bring you down . They were to be kept under control or denied altogether . They were sinful , of this world , not the one we were supposed to be striving for . Sex was for procreation , not for fun , and it was only for married partners . As a male , our nature was condemned . We were dangerous , and females needed to be protected . This attitude made me feel guilty for my feelings . I was sinful just by virtue of having lustful feelings . These were to be curbed by whatever means possible . What made it worse , was that at the hostel we were always held up in comparison to the girls . They were passive , submissive , good ! We boys were unruly , bad , and depraved creatures . We were punished daily for our supposed transgressions . This overly frantic desire to control us only made us more rebellious and less willing to behave . If only they had just let us be . We would have been good little boys . But we never got that chance . What misery the myth of being guilty by virtue of original sin caused . There is no escaping original sin . So while we wanted to be good , we were never perceived that way , and so nothing was worse by what we did . With no choice to be good , being worse than we really were , was freedom . We therefore misbehaved with a vengeance . The quiet little girls were constantly held up to us as the better example of the human race . I am surprised we didn 't all wish we were girls , we were hounded so much about the whole business . At least I was not at the hostel now . And since my parents were busy educating and converting the natives , I was left rather much alone , which was very good for me , as supervised behavior is exhausting . Aunt Daisy wasn 't here looking over my shoulder . I was home in the bush having fun , reading twice as much as I did when I was in school . This summer I was particularly interested in an old maid that lived in the house just below ours . She would invite me down to her house to give her back rubs . I am not sure if my parents knew what I was doing or not . For her though , I imagine it was the closest thing to sex she ever got . She certainly seemed to get excited when I touched her . But I never suspected anything other than she needed some musculature relief . If she had wanted more , I never picked up on it . Or maybe she was too repressed and didn 't know she really wanted more . She had another interesting pastime . She liked to raise little dogs - a type of cocker spaniel . She had the male and her spinster sister had a the matching female . Every Christmas , the two spinsters would get together and help their dogs make puppies . It was a big production in their household . The matter became more and more serious , as after several Christmases , and much coaching and watching , there were still no puppies . Although they reported lots of supervised matings , no progeny happened . They commissioned Uncle Totty , the " go to guy , " to build a cart with wheels so they could push the male around on it . They had finally come to the conclusion that the male was just too short to get his organ up in high enough to get results . They would help him ! Well , the cart worked , and the sister 's Christmas pastime finally paid off . Their bitch produced a litter of pups . I would have loved to have watched those two old maids pushing that cart around with that male dog on it , humping away . I finished the seventh grade and we were all sent home for the summer . Bangala was a nice place to spend the summer . It was wonderful to be out of school . Uncle Totty had a large dugout canoe that had been made to his personal specifications . It was large enough to hold more than a dozen people . It had a squared off rear end so that it could accommodate an outboard motor and it was painted bright green . With the motor engaged , it would cut through the water like a speedboat . When the dry season came and the river revealed its sand bars Uncle Totty would invite us out to picnic on them . On this particular day Uncle Totty invited my family along . Picnic lunches were packed . Uncle Totty 's family , ours and one other family went on this escapade . We piled in at the dock below our house and off we went . As usual some of the natives in their little canoes tried to paddle along and keep up with us . The crowd on the shore waved goodbye . We quickly outran the smaller canoes and were in the open river . Picnics were very strange to the natives . They thought they were some kind of a rite , a ritual with a significance that they did not understand and we could not explain . We had quit trying to discuss this with the natives since they never believed us when we told them a picnic was simply that , nothing else . There was an island in the river a mile or so down stream , and it seemed to help form a number of large sand bars . We stopped on one of them . Most everyone went in swimming but I didn 't . I don 't know for sure if I was just being anti social or if I was truly afraid of getting eaten by a crocodile . Anyhow , I didn 't go in the water . I had heard many stories about people being eaten and this island was uninhabited . I thought that no one really knew for sure if this was a safe area to swim or not . I sat on the edge of the canoe and watched the others swim . Suddenly there was a rustle in the bushes at the edge of the river and a bevy young girls emerged from the river bank . They were carrying fishing baskets . Apparently they had come to the shallows between the river bank and the sand bar to fish . Seeing us there was a real surprise . They chatted amongst themselves for a minute and then they scampered across the water towards me . The water only came up to their knees . They were naked except for a few beads and G - strings . I watched wide eyed as they came bouncing towards me . They were all young teens and their firm breasts bounced on their chests as they came approached . I stared with my blue eyes wide ! I could see that their eyes were bright with discovery too . The canoes that had tried to follow us had been left behind our furrowed wake , but these girls had been blessed with stumbling across us . They weren 't from the local village , so white people were especially interesting to them . They came within ten feet of me and then stopped . I was the only one out of the water , so they stood in front of me , and pointed and laughed and smiled . They discussed me as if they were looking at a prize animal at a farm show , or maybe more like an animal in a zoo . They could not figure out what we were doing here . Their smiles showed rows of ivory white teeth . They were quite entranced with this unforeseen circumstance . And with me sitting here all by myself , they were not afraid . Soon they began to tease me by purposely jiggling their little tits at me , and moving their hips in suggestive motions . They were completely uninhibited . One of the older ones came forward with a big grin on her face , walked up to the canoe and sat down beside me . She moved her naked buttocks against my thigh . It was more excitement than I was used to . I looked out at the water and could see my father looking intently at these goings on . I could feel the pressure of his stare . I dared not move . I didn 't know who I was more afraid of , her or my father . I sat transfixed on the spot . She spoke to me but it was in one of the dialects that I did not understand , so I just smiled back . I wanted to run off with her and her friends . They seemed so free , so easy , so poised . Not stiff , not fanatical , like the missionaries I was with . But my reverie was short lived because Uncle Totty came barreling out of the water and chased them off . They ran like a bunch of rabbits , toppled into the water , and waded back to the river bank . Then they stood and watched us till we left . Later that afternoon one of Uncle Totty 's friends almost drowned , but Carl and Jimmy saved him . Two weeks later I heard from some of the natives that a large crocodile had been killed just off that very same sand bar . I was convinced that it I had gone swimming I surely would have been eaten . I never swam anywhere except right off the dock in front of our house . I knew it was safe there . That summer my father commissioned a little dugout built for my brother and I . It was made from a firm white wood and just big enough for two . We quickly mastered the little craft and soon were able to cross the river and land where we wanted to . This was not an easy task as the current in the Kwilu was very swift . You could not paddle directly across the river . It was just too fast . To do it we had to first paddle upstream along the shore where we could push with our paddles on the bottom of the river . Then , when we were far enough upstream , we would nose out into the river , still pointing the canoe upstream . One had to cross at a diagonal going upstream to cross , as the current was too strong to just head directly across . We would paddle as hard as we could . By the time we would get to the other side of the river we would have been pushed back downstream to about where we had started on the opposite bank . But we could do it , and soon did it very well . Sometimes , I would take the canoe across by myself . If I arrived on the other side , upstream from my intended landing point , I would turn the canoe around and go with the current , still paddling . Boy could I get up some speed ! I could then come swooping into the dock like a real master . Sometimes I would bring natives across that needed a lift . Once I brought a woman across that was in labor and she left blood on the bottom of my canoe . I considered it the mark of a hero . These canoes are highly maneuverable and quite suitable to water , but nonetheless , require a certain acquired skill . Standing up in one of these dugouts is a real balancing act . They are narrow with a round bottom , and barely stay upright when empty . Anyone not familiar with these canoes , finds it almost impossible to stand in one . Carl and I could stand up well in them because we had had practice in the swamps . We knew how to keep our balance . Each person riding in one of these canoes needs to have the skill . Even if there are two experienced people in one of these canoes , a third person with no balancing skill , will topple the canoe every time . All three persons end up in the water , often with the craft left upside down . This was brought home to me very clearly when my dad decided that he was going to learn to use our little dugout . My father came down to the river in a pair of army green shorts . Typical attire for him in the tropics . The natives , perceiving that something different was about to take place , followed him down to the river . A small crowd gathered while my father instructed Carl and I to unhitch the canoe from the tree root where it was securely chained and padlocked . We were frightened , as we did not want to anger him . We were sure he would end up in the river , soaking wet . We spent about five minutes explaining to him how hard it was to keep one 's balance in the dugout . He found it very difficult to believe . We wanted him to sit in the middle between us and take a couple trips across the river first , then try some paddling . But he insisted that he was going to stand up and paddle . There was nothing we could do to avoid a spanking , so we obliged . Needless to say he couldn 't do it . He couldn 't stand up and keep his balance for even a few seconds . Over and over again he turned the boat over , dumping the three of us into the river . The natives on the bank were howling with laughter . Some of them were laughing so hard they couldn 't even stand up . Several fell off the riverbank into the water . They had never seen anything like it before . I felt like one of the three stooges . My father grew angrier and angrier . He couldn 't believe that it was this hard to stand up in the canoe . Since Carl and I could stand and paddle , he thought that he should be able to . He thought Carl and I were doing something on purpose , because we couldn 't keep the canoe from tipping over , every time he stood up . He yelled and screamed at us . The natives howled even more . Here was the white missionary father trying such a simple thing and failing . Over and over and over he tumbled into the water . Over and over again we tried . We knew if dad could just relax and take a few trips sitting down , that he would get the feel of it , and be able to do it . But he wanted to do it now . It didn 't appear such a hard task . But he just couldn 't do it now ! When he finally gave up , after more than an hour , he made us put up the canoe and come with him . He scolded us all the way up the hill to the house . He was sure we had done in on purpose so as to discourage him . And he was furious with the natives who had had such a great afternoon 's entertainment . In the days that followed , my father did not ask for any more practice in canoe maneuvers . My brother and I were free to paddle wherever we liked without him . What a blessing ! I had an ulterior motive for liking to cross the river . While paddling up the shore I would always pass women bathing . That , for a pubescent boy was a real treat . The women didn 't care if I looked . Since I was paddling by , ostensibly to cross the river , I seemed innocent enough . Some of them found me amusing . So I crossed the river a lot . My stares never hurt them . I would head out across the river , paddling with my back to them , so they wouldn 't see my erection , poking out my little shorts . Once though , one of them did notice , and they all laughed when she pointed it out . Once a fish as big as my canoe turned in the water , just beside my boat . The sun caught the scales on its side , and I could see him clearly in the water . In the flash of the reflected light , I was scared to death to see how big it was . I stood frozen . And I did not return my paddle to the water until I had drifted much further downstream . I didn 't do any more canoe crossings for a number of days . It took a while for the fear to subside . The murky dark water was always frightening to the imagination , but to see such a big fish swimming next to me , seemed a real threat . Since most of the natives did not have canoes , I was often asked to give rides . I never refused . It made me feel important . Another time , I took a woman and her newborn baby across to the hospital . Actually this was stupid , for many of the natives did not swim . They would bath , but swimming was not typical . If I had dumped the canoe over , and the rider drowned , I would have been killed . The natives still believed in old testament justice , " An eye for an eye . " Even in the big cities it was like that . If you had a car accident and someone was killed , often , the driver would be pulled from his car and beaten to death . A cultural reaction . The police in Leopoldville had instructed the missionaries to not stick around if involved in an accident . They told us , " Head straight for the nearest police station and report it , but don 't stop . " When I got tired of my canoe , I played . Sometimes I took walks with a native girl I liked . With the field clear , Uncle Ron began digging the foundation , filling it with rocks and cement . Uncle Ron was an ordained minister , not an architect . This however , was not a stumbling block . He would build it as best he could . That 's how the missionaries got so much done . They just did it . Then they lived with it . They weren 't the poor me types . There were no building codes , and a white man could build just about whatever he wanted . Miracles were performed under this can do system - chaos with a mission . Uncle Totty flew in from the bush once in awhile to help ; he was the official builder sent out from our mission board . The place was built without professionals , much of it done with child labor , both willing and unwilling . By the end of the year , the new hostel was up and running . We children and our hostel parents moved in . What real joy ! This house was full of children . Adults seemed superfluous . Twenty four people in all , and only three adults . It was big , it was beautiful , but mostly it was ours . The hostel was in the shape of the letter Y . The large center area was for playing games and for meetings and devotions . One wing was the kitchen and dinning area , the eating area facing the center . The other two wings , one for boys and one for girls , were dormitories with a central bath and shower . Uncle Ron and Aunt Daisy roomed at the entrance to the boys wing . An Australian spinster roomed at the entrance to the girls wing . You can guess what her job was . Keep the boys out ! This brings up the subject of sexuality . It was a huge paradox to be in Africa , while being children of strong Puritan lineage . At home , around our missionary parents and guardians , sex was taboo , while outdoors among the natives , sexuality was pervasive . You could start just by looking around , sex was being performed by every kind of insect , lizard , bird , toad , rodent , and by the pigs , goats , sheep , chickens and ducks that roamed freely . The desirable hens had no feathers left on the back of their necks because that 's where the roosters grabbed them . The tropical jungle was a regular sex parade . On top of that , the African children seemed to mature much earlier than us white children . Most girls were pregnant by the time their breasts were developed , and they went on being pregnant till they died , or passed menopause . It was very noticeable . I could never figure out why . No birth control and no restraint - a big cultural difference ! The average native life span was around forty years , so short that marrying and having children early was a necessity . All the native women in their teens had children . From a young boy 's perspective , I was enticed early , as bare breasted women were everywhere , especially in the bush . Nursing was done constantly by the majority of women , and so breasts were always in view . And of course , sex had to be a constant to keep the flow of children coming because half of them died before the age of three . So many children died that a family would get two or three to adulthood out of six or seven born . So children were expected to grow up fast , and be productive as soon as possible . We white children in comparison were kept children as long as possible . Most certainly we were kept away from sex . As best as that can be managed with sex going on all around . Africa was teaming with life and everywhere you turned their was one animal on top of another or one insect stuck to the other , end to end . It didn 't take much to figure out what all the bugs , toads , lizards , chickens , goats and sheep were dI always thought that the missionaries wanted to keep us children as long as possible to lengthen the time for indoctrination . For I can readily say that the most dominant feeling I had as a child was that I was being indoctrinated . The longer we were physically and psychologically dependent , the longer the adults had to structure our minds in their manner . Missionaries were good at this . One could paraphrase a famous poem and say , " A child is a child , is a child , is a child . " The missionaries wanted us to be children for life - psychologically at least . They took over whole native cultures didn 't they ? They were expert . So missionary children like myself learned to daydream - the only mental freedom we had . No one could see in here . And I learned to hide very well . What other choice did I have ? Unfortunately , years of practicing this led me to be hidden from myself . Sometime during the year of the new hostel , I got hold of a BB gun . It wasn 't mine , but belonged to a friend who didn 't use it . It didn 't work at the time that I discovered it , but I talked him into letting me fix it . I did get it fixed and had my mother send down all the BB 's I had brought from the U . S . Every day after school I would go hunting . I must have killed ten to fifteen birds each afternoon . I also shot lizards and toads , but BB 's don 't kill them and they would just run away wounded . Soon I could gauge the effect of the wind and the pull of gravity , making with every shot , the appropriate adjustments . I shot any bird available , and spared none . If it came into view , I shot it . I even shot tiny little hummingbirds . In order to lessen my guilt I would give the birds , even the smallest of them , to the natives . They ate them , as they ate anything that moved . I watched them once cook a hummingbird I provided in with some beans . It added just a touch of meat flavor . The hardest birds to kill , or even get close to , were doves . You could hardly get close to them . They were a very shy breed . There were two kinds . The " Road Dove , " so called because tI had very little sympathy for other animals . I don 't know why . Part of being male I suppose . As I grew older and began to feel some guilt , I began to rationalized my behavior . I would tell myself that certain animals were pests , or that others were just so ugly they deserved death , just for looking that bad . But these were all just excuses . One of the ugly species I justified killing , were the local fruit bats . They fed at night in the mango trees . They made a lot of noise . And they really were ugly . A fruit bat is very large . The wing span is often five feet . From the middle of each wing protrudes a bony hand that was once a forelimb . If that weren 't frightening enough , the face reminds one of a moose , only with pointed ears and many soft folds of skin around the nose and mouth . The folds are part of a smelling apparatus for feeding in the dark . The first time I saw one up close I would not even touch it . We had shot it out of a tree just at dusk , right outside the hostel . It was wounded in the wing and tumbled out of the tree to the ground . We played with it for many hours , eventually , killing it . We missionary kids were always forming clubs . Each had its own clandestine purposes and operations . As long as a club could keep exclusive membership or retain their secrets it survived . Once these aspects were lost , the club would falter and die . What was there to attract one , or to preserve , once the mystique was gone ? The tree house clubs were the most fun . There were many formed and many tree houses built . But building a tree house was just the beginning . The real fun was fighting to keep other boys our of your tree house . There were many great battles fought when a rival gang would desecrate your club 's tree house . Oh what terrible fights we got into . Sometimes they would last for months , with battles being fought every day or so . The boys that couldn 't run very fast had to learn to stand and hold their ground or stay in and read . Once in a great while you might be able to get a girl to go up in the tree house with you . If you could accomplish this , it was great storytelling . You could say you got a kiss , or played some doctor game . Your prestige would go way up . If you were actually seen in a tree house with a girl , you would be talked about and discussed , which was greatly desired by all . Sneaking around the hostel in the still of the night was a wonderful thrill . Though it was frowned upon by our foster parents , they had to get some sleep . We boys would creep down the girl 's hall in the dead of night , fantasizing all the nasty things we would like to do . One night I was dared to go all the way down to the end of the girl 's wing . Not being able to refuse , due to my reputation , I went . Just when I got there , the whole rest of the gang made a big noise , clapping and screaming just outside our beloved spinster 's door . Out she came in a flash , and I only had time to duck into a closet . I must have stayed there hiding for several hours . I was certain that I would be discovered . She even opened the closet door several times , but she never saw me . My heart was pounding like a cannon . I thought for sure she could hear it , and know I was there . Finally , after I felt she might have gone back to bed , I crept out . I snuck quickly back to my bed and stayed quite tame for several months . I was really upset with the rest of the gang that had tried to get me in trouble . After that , I contented myself with raiding the kitchen fridge for several months . I didn 't want to be accused of something in the spinster 's imagination . This year there were several of us older boys that were approaching puberty . There was a natural arousal and interest in sex . We watched the dogs and cats do it . We watched all the animals do it . We were very excited by all these new feelings . Girls seemed unfathomably desirable . When we were with any of the girls , and witnessed some of the compound dogs mating , it was even more exciting . We would look at the girls ' eyes and faces and " Hey Becky ! What 's wrong with you ? Can 't you take off your T - shirt anymore ? " I said . " My father said I was not to take my shirt off anymore , " she countered . We teased her mercilessly that day , and for several weeks afterwards . Poor girl , she really wanted to be one of us , but her body was taking her away from us . It was only a short while after this that we began to notice little budding breasts through her shirts . When she got sweaty from playing hard , her T - shirt would stick to the little buds that stuck out of her chest . Her dad must have seen them coming . We would get her to play four square and basketball with us just so she would sweat and we could peak at the revelation inconspicuously . As we boys that were reaching puberty , we felt more of the urge , and began to sneak around the compound at night . We spied in the bathroom windows from whatever hiding places we could find . And we would run at the sound of footsteps that might be someone out to catch us . We spent many hours waiting in the bushes outside bathroom windows , patiently waiting for any glimpse , however fleeting of any of the missionary wives or older daughter . There wasn 't a single woman on the compound that one of us hadn 't seen naked . My brother and I discovered that you could get up in the attic of the hostel by climbing through the porch , which had no ceiling . We would sneak up through there and go over the girls showers and lift up a ceiling tile . We could see them showering plain as plain as day . That was great fun . We kept that one a secret . It was too good to loose by spreading the word and having some bozo get caught . There was a pretty risqué business going on during evening devotions too . While we were supposed to be listening to the Bible readings and singing hymns , we would be looking up the girls bathrobes . The devotions were directly after showers . So we would all be in our night cloths . Some of the girls could never sit and keep their legs together . While Uncle Ron read in a high monotone from the " Good Book , " and Aunt Daisy led the hymns , we boys would be peering up the girl 's robes and down their tops . They were naked underneath . We boys shared a lot of pleasant sights . One of the girls , Jill , with quite voluptuous breasts , was so oblivious to our stares , that we could literally stand there and just stare at them . She never noticed . She could never keep her legs together either . One night Uncle Ron saw what was going on and ordered all the girls to wear underwear under their robes to devotions . end chapter 15 The best year that I could remember was now over . I was on my way back to Africa , the humid , green , hot , unpredictable Congo . Not the Belgian Congo any longer , just the Congo . The name would soon be changed to Zaire , and the capital city would be called , Kinshasa , not Leopoldville . I had had a year 's vacation from the pain of always being a foreigner . Now I was off to be one again . I hoped it would be better this time . We took a Pan Am plane back to the Congo , and again , the first leg was to Belgium . It was still the major airline hub to the Congo . We returned to a free country , no longer a colony , and we hoped more peaceful . We returned to Bangala the place we had left just a year before . For some reason , our house , singled out from all the other missionary houses , had been lived in during our absence . My father had always been friendly with the Congolese , inviting them into our home and often for supper . It seemed that this may have been the reason that the natives felt free to live in our house while we were gone , but not in any of the other homes . I stood in the middle of my room and cried . I felt violated . Rape must feel something like this . Although most of what I could remember was still around , it had all been used . My clothes had all been worn . Some were now yellowed and had holes worn in them . I went through all my things and felt the old familiar pain , the mental anguish of my childhood . Nothing was really mine , everything that was mine had been desecrated , handled by someone else , without my consent . It didn 't cheer me to hear the other missionaries telling how their houses were exactly as they had left them - even to the point of twenty francs of change still on a dresser where it had been left . All I could think , was , " Why my house , my room , my things ! " I knew life wasn 't fair , but this violation was too constant . We spent the summer in Bangala , a vacation of sorts . I got used to the new situation , and then it was time to go back to school again , in the big city , Leopoldville . We occupied the same yellow tow story hostel we had had before . This time however , we were on the second floor and we had new hostel parents . Uncle Ron and Aunt Daisy . On our arrival we were told that this year , a new hostel would be built . The new one would be built as a hostel , designed just for that purpose . That too was good news . It made us feel important . Being shuttled around all the time had never made me feel important , a theme that was pervasive for me . There was a very fortunate occurrence regarding school . This year , a Mennonite sect from Kansas had set up an English speaking school . It was an international school that took in missionary kids as well as other foreigners , mostly the sons and daughters of the foreign service and large companies with staff in the Congo . I was elated to be going to school , taught in English , for the second year in a row . I had been luck , and was now in class at my grade level . I had caught up . The year started out okay . Then uncle Don came down with hepatitis , some called it yellow jaundice . It was type A , the kind that was spread through bathrooms . Every male in the hostel got it . Uncle Ron was partially better when all us boys came down with it . Uncle Ron almost died from it . We kids thought for sure we would die from it . Oh , were we sick ! Yellow to the bone , pissing blood and vomiting till our guts seemed inside out . One by one we boys got sick . First a yellowing of the skin became noticeable , then the whites of our eyes turned yellow , then the weakness and nausea . Then our urine would turn blood red with bile and then the vomiting would begin . I was the last to get it . I was so weak I could barely lift my head when the others were feeling better . I only had the energy to vomit . So while I was so weak I couldn 't move the other kids were well enough to take advantage of me . They couldn 't get out of bed so they entertained themselves by making soggy paper wads and shooting them at me with rubber bands . Splat , splat , one after another the wet wads hit my head . I complained to Aunt Daisy , but every time she came in they hid them . Since she couldn 't catch them she didn 't think it was as bad as I made it out to be . So much for a another start at school . We were all thin and very weak when it was all over . We were told by the doctor not to play any sports for a year , and not to do physical labor either . But that advice lasted about as long as it took us to get outside . We didn 't hesitate to play . We just quit when we were so tired we couldn 't stand . There was also work to be done . There was a new hostel to be built . We kids were invited to help . Since so many projects in the mission field are team efforts , and much of the labor voluntary , kids were allowed to help . We actually did do quite a lot of work . It was one of the few things that made us feel important . Uncle Ron was in charge of construction , although he had never built a house before , nor had he any education in building construction . He just got advice from Uncle Totty , another missionary , but with extensive building experience . Uncle Ron showed us kids where the field was to be cleared and we set about doing it . We had a lot of fun . For instance , is there anything children like more than being destructive ? I certainly enjoyed being destructive as a child . Anyhow , the first order of the day was to knock down the old servants ' quarters and cook house . We weren 't given any specific instructions , just permission to level it . We proceeded to do just that , with whatever tool we found . We made a game if it , and carried out the scheme . The servant 's quarters was long narrow series of rooms - baked mud bricks held together with mud . It had served as decent lodging for many years , but with a gang of boys cut loose on it , it was rubble in no time . We played war games , threw bricks and rocks , pushed walls , and kicked and screamed . It never seemed like work . Soon the place was leveled . All that was left was a pile of sand which we smoothed out level with the the ground . The next order was to cut down all the trees , mostly palm trees that were in the way . That too became fun and games . Uncle Ron , to speed things up , offered us 50 francs for every palm tree we cut down . If you have ever tried to cut down a palm tree , you know it is not an easy task . The reason is simple . The palm tree rises from the ground on its roots . The older it is , the higher it sits on its roots . Sometime the tree may be sitting four feet off the ground . These roots are one mass of solid spongy tough fiber . Cutting into this bulbous mass of root is like trying to cut steel with a rubber spatula . The spongy roots give when struck with an ax or machete , and the tool bounces back at you . No damage to the root . But dangerous to you . Very frustrating . I started out with a lot of enthusiasm on one particular tree . My enthusiasm didn 't last long . I took a break and began to think how I could get the job done the easiest . I had two ideas . One was to get someone else to work for less than I would get paid , and secondly , I would see if I could cut one palm tree down in such as way as it would fall and hit another tree . It would surely knock that one over too . At least that is what I thought . I bragged about my idea , but Uncle Ron told me it couldn 't be done . The next day I recruited an older African student to help me . I told him I would give him a stick of gum if he would cut the tree down for me . He agreed , I don 't know if he did it for the gum , or just for something to do . Perhaps he thought if he got involved , he would get a regular job out of it . I don 't know . But he did proceed and I instructed him as to how I wanted the tree to fall so it would hit another one just thirty feet away . We did it . He cut while I watched . By that afternoon , the first tree fell . Just as it reached its full thrust of the fall , it hit the other palm tree which it uprooted and tore from the ground . They both lay fallen and I was ecstatic . I had been brilliant . A real capitalist . A creative artist ! I ran to Uncle Ron for my 100 francs , 50 for each tree . He didn 't believe me at first , when I told him what I had done . He had to come see for himself . He was sort of pissed off that I had done what he said couldn 't be done - and by a child as well ! When he saw that I had in fact done it , he had to give me the 100 francs . He knew that the second tree that was uprooted was no accident either , because I had told him ahead of time what I had proposed to do . But being the adult , and the hostel parent , he made me give 50 francs , half of what I had earned , to the student who had helped me . I really resented that since I had already given him his stick of gum . What is fair ? All in the eyes of the perceiver . end chapter 14 There was a town in a valley not to far from Hossburg were my cousins lived . The cousins were Uncle John 's and Aunt Helaine 's children . I loved being at their house . It was so warm and human , not cold as so many places I had lived . Uncle John was gone a lot driving his coal trucks , but still we felt that he liked being with us children best when he wasn 't working . My cousins were a friendly bunch and very positive in outlook . Bad things happened , but they took them in stride so well , you almost couldn 't notice . Since my aunt and uncle had five children of their own , they understood children and related easily to me , my brothers and sisters . It seems that if we weren 't at my grandfather 's we were at their place . Their house was also on route 15 , about twenty feet from the edge of the road . Trucks roared by day and night . At night they didn 't even slow down and you could look out the front door and see them whizzing by at seventy miles an hour . Few dogs or cats survived living at this house on the highway . A few smart ones with a natural instinct for the dangers of the road , did survive . Uncle John and Aunt Helaine lost a couple horses to route 15 . Right out the back door was a white picket fence that kept the horses corralled . It was very nice to look out the kitchen window and see the horses . When we were young and small they kept ponies and small horses . We rode them most of the summer . When we weren 't riding we would be playing in the pasture . Playing in the Tioga river . There were a few places deep enough to swim in , and there were plenty of small pebbles to skip on the water . My aunt Helaine had run off with Uncle John when she was just fourteen . He was in his twenties and back from the World War II . He had been a bombardier on a B - 15 with war stories to tell , and a purple heart . My grandpa , the preacher , had a lot of trouble keeping his kids home . What with my dad eloping with my mother , and Helaine running off at fourteen . He hadn 't liked Uncle John from the very beginning . The two of them kept a quiet tolerance most of the time . Grandpa used to say that he knew Uncle John 's family and there was some genetic predisposition to epilepsy . He didn 't want his grandchildren picking up any of that . But grandpa turned out to be right as several of Uncle John 's children were epileptic . It never slowed them down much . No hiding it . We talked openly about it . It never became a stumbling block for any of those affected . After a summer in the U . S . , my father decided to go back to the mission station at Bangala , even though it was not safe . So he left us , mom and 4 children , and went back to the Belgian Congo . We kids were glad he was gone . Life would be easier with his overbearing authority weighing on us . We spent our time playing to our hearts content . My grandfather built a go - cart . It was pieced together from old mine carts , washing machine parts , and an old lawn mower engine . It looked like a little red box - cart , except it had a real motor . We rode it up and down the driveway bouncing in and out of the potholes . We chased rabbits in it , and sometimes tried to scare the old landlady . She may have been more of a sport than we gave her credit for , because we never heard a word from Grandpa about bothering here . When we tired of the go - cart grandpa dug a pond . The rains filled it and he made a little boat from two car hoods from a junkyard welded together . Those old hoods had sides and when welded end to end , made a nice metal boat . We paddled around in that little pond by the hour , making believe it was big a big ocean . We were pirates of the open seas and dug for buried treasure on the Tioga river bank . We convinced ourselves that pirates had come up the Tioga and buried their treasures on the banks , right where we were digging . Sometimes we took off along the railroad tracks as they followed the river . We liked throwing rocks at all the snakes that liked to lay in the tracks basking in the sun . Sometimes we took a BB gun or pellet gun along and shot at them . We tried to kill rabbits too , but we just hurt them mostly . Blinded a few , at least in one eye , before they got away . We shot a lot of robins too , even though Grandpa would remind us that they were protected by law and we weren 't supposed to . One of our favorite pastimes was to go out to the city dump at night and watch for bears . We would park along the rim of the dump and leave our lights on . Often bears would take advantage of the light and rummage through the garbage in the glare of our headlights . When the bears moved on we would drive home slowly spotting dear , raccoon , and other small animals . It was very exciting . When all was quiet on these leisurely drives , we would beg grandpa to quit smoking . He had had several heart attacks already , and cancer of the throat . We didn 't want him to die and take away all our fun . But he never would stop . He liked it too much . During the day people would go to the dump and shoot rats with a 22 caliber rifle . Not much else to do for entertainment in these hills . I didn 't like guns with bullets . I liked air guns because they were quiet . The others hurt my ears . I was in the minority though . Most of these hill people liked guns and hunting . I guess grandpa got tired of just looking at bears and decided he would get his youngest son a bear gun . What he bought was a 303 English infantry rifle . He found it at an Army Navy surplus store . Only paid seven dollars for it . It had a wooden stock that went all the way down the barrel . He sawed the extra wood off to make it look more like modern rifle . He smoothed down the edges , sanded and polished it , and what a beauty it turned out to be . He called it his bear gun . Sonny killed a lot of deer and a few bear with it over the next several years . I didn 't like killing dear . Squirrels were about as big an animal as I really wanted to shoot . My grandfather would shoot squirrels right out of the trees . He was a good shot . He would make us squirrel caps with the tail hanging down the back . We even ate some squirrel meat , but it was very stringy and tough and hardly worth the trouble . The days got shorter and so did the fun . Then the fun ended when school began . I was taken to school early to take a bunch of tests . These placement tests were to see if I could be moved back up a grade or two . I passed the fifth grade level test with a D , so they passed me to the sixth grade . If this hadn 't been done I would have been behind in school my whole life . I wanted to be with my peers just like everyone else . The school bus left from the center of town . I had to walk there to catch it . It used to drive me crazy because this was the opposite direction of the school . After all the trouble I went to get to the bus stop , the bus would pass right back by my house to get to the school . To walk a mile in the cold and snow , then wait outside for fifteen minutes at the bus stop , only to pass my grandpa 's cozy house a half hour later seemed absurd ! None of my cousins were at the school with me . They lived a few miles away . A little grammar school was just up the road from my Uncle John 's house , and I would have liked to live with them and go to school half a block away , but their house was already crowded . The two cousins that were old enough to go to school were taught at home because of the epilepsy problem . I felt slighted because they got special treatment and I wanted some too . I surprised myself and did fairly well in school . I think part of the reason was that my father wasn 't there to criticize me . I did much better on my own without someone hanging over my shoulders telling me to study . I got no satisfaction out of studying for my dad , only for myself . I felt getting average grades . I didn 't need to get straight A 's , as my father thought . While he was gone , I didn 't even flunk math . Neither did I cause undue trouble for my teachers . They thought I was normal . What a change of experience for me . Didn 't get in many fights . I liked the absence of my father and relished in the freedom from constant overseeing . The good food and good television also did me a lot of good . I even got a little chubby from my indulgences . That winter was not as fun as the summer had been , but it was good . My feelings about myself were on the mend . It was a year of much less mental pain than I had gotten used to . The change did me a lot of good . Turned out to be one of the best school years of my life ! I don 't associate a lot of pain with that year ; that 's how i know . The lack of constant torment allowed me to blossom . I knew my father had had a troubled and tortured childhood , but I didn 't understand why he couldn 't do better . After a year , things had settled down in the Congo . It was time for us to return as well . My father sent for us and it was back to the bush again . We drove the two lane blacktop through the hills to the small town where I had spent the first few years of my life . I hadn 't been back for four years . Seemed like forever . Like so many other mining towns in the area , Hossburg seemed to by dying - - it was at least , at a standstill . The coal veins had given out and the young had been moving out in droves . Those that stayed behind , or where left behind , managed as best they could . My grandfather ministered to them from a small Baptist church , white clapboard , with a baptismal picture behind the pulpit . He had stayed with this small church in the dying town for a long time . He could have had a big church in a larger city , but he preferred the intimacy of a small town and a small church . He never went back to the big city and the big congregations . Route 15 runs right through the middle of town . My grandfather 's rented house was just off the highway down a gravel drive full of potholes . That summer we kids spent a lot of time and effort trying to fill the holes , just because we loved him so much . He played with us ; so we worked for him , whether he asked for our help or not . My grandfather only had three quarters of the house - the downstairs and half of the second story . The other half of the upstairs was occupied by the landlady . She kept an eye on us , so that the whole family under surveillance . But , we never saw her much and were glad that we didn 't . We kids used to love to jump off the steps that led to her apartment , round the back of the house . They were steep with open side rails . We would climb them and jump out the side , daring each other to jump from one step higher . I don 't remember any of us ever breaking a limb , but it is difficult to understand how we did not . At the top of the stairs was a door that the landlady rarely used . It was her back door . One afternoon while I was watching TV I saw how a thief was able to get into someone 's house without breaking in . He saw through the keyhole that the key was on the inside of the lock . He slipped a newspaperFurther down to the right there was an old chicken coop . Next to it , a red barn , left over from when this land had been a farm . Most of my grandfather 's descendent 's learned to ride bike by riding down the hill from the barn to the road . It wasn 't too steep so you could learn to coast down it before you had to peddle . I learned on that little hill too . Beside the barn was a small woods . In the middle of the woods there were some old mining carts . There was some old mining track laying around as well . Rabbits and small animals were plentiful . We had lots of rocks from the river to throw at them . There were lots of snakes too , attracted to the rock for cover . Many of them were copperheads and rattlers . In the summer when we would go blackberry picking with Grandpa and Uncle John . They would tell us to " Watch out for the rattlers . " But none of us ever got bit . Once we saw a black bear in the woods and grandpa made us stay out if it for a few days . My grandfather kept a hammock in the woods . He liked to lie there by the hour just looking up at the sky . I always wondered what he was thinking , but I never asked him . He liked resting in the woods cause grandma never came out there . He counted on that . Besides , he was watching the kids . He loved watching us play . Didn 't want to play with us , just watch . And we liked that . The older he got , the more he liked kids , and the more he spent time with us . He always said adults could learn more from kids than the other way around . That 's what he used to tell me anyway . I asked him why he didn 't go back to one of the big churches in the city where they would pay him better . He always said they needed him more here . I am sure he was right . I think he liked being needed . He was only happy making sacrifices . A trait my father seemed to have taken from him . With all the traveling in my life , and all the changes , it was always nice to return to Grandpa 's house . This was the only place that ever felt like home to me . Every other place was just that , some other place . I especially liked the dinning area . It was not a separate room from the kitchen , but an extension of it . It was usually crowded , and we never knew how many people would be there for a meal . You see , we kids were driven back and forth between Uncle John 's and Grandpa 's according to our whim of the moment . It was like having two homes . However crowded the dining room may have been , we could always squeeze in another person . This was because the dining table was long and narrow , and had church pews on either side . You could just about squeeze as many people on one of those benches as you wanted to . You just sat closer and tighter . The table itself was really a large picnic table . At each end of the table was a metal folding chair . At the head of the table , on the wall , was a large picture of a child in a highchair saying his blessing . That always seemed to remind me that I was in a preacher 's home . One could feel very important sitting at the head of this table , with the picture behind you , and the church pews on either side . Very medieval in feeling . The kitchen was just that , a serviceable area with a pink counter top , an old toaster , and one or two other appliances . Not the kitchen of a great chief , but Grandpa could make that kitchen sing . He even rigged up the old fridge so it worked even after the handle broke off . In its place was a large spoon . It had a whole drilled in one end attached to the inside latch . You just pulled the spoon to open the door . It worked well and was a good conversation piece , except that Grandma hated it . There were a lot of jerry - rigged house parts in this area , as there was little money for repairs . The rest of the house was run down too , but cozy . There were lots of old pieces of stuffed furniture that years ago had already taken on the shape of the human form . Where the fabric had worn off , there were covers put on and tucked in at the edges . There were rug pictures hung on the walls . Very common in this part of the country . Mostly they were animal pictures : bears , tigers and deer . Also there were numerous drawings and paintings of my father 's , ones he had painted as a boy . They were all lost when Grandpa burned the house down . They were mostly scenes of the woods and the outdoors . Things I never saw my father interested in , maybe he just outgrew them . I often looked at them and wondered where that little boy was , that drew those pictures , and why I couldn 't find him in my father . I especially liked the early morning breakfasts my grandfather made . The smell of his special style of scrambled eggs mixed with the smoke of his Pall Mall cigarettes , non filtered , was a sure call to breakfast . He always seemed to know who would be up and always fixed just enough . I never could figure out how he did it . Sometimes it was just me and him . What a delight ! Those times made me feel so important . So special . I can still remember his pale skin beneath his white hair , a cigarette hanging from his lips as he spread jelly on toast . Sitting in one of those large pews with him at the head of the table seemed like dinning with royalty . NothingI did not want to make the sacrifices he did . I didn 't want to make sacrifices for the natives , even less for the little old ladies in the small town churches . Their lives were already spent . Why should I be their Sunday morning entertainment . I didn 't have my childhood for myself , it was given away to others , and I couldn 't stop it . I just wanted my life to be mine . I needed to play and be free to discover myself . Not be told who I was and how to be every single second of my life . I didn 't want to be a model for church congregations . I wanted to be on in my own skin , in my own mind , on my own turf . I wanted to forget all the grown up stuff - all that religion . I could choose that later , couldn 't I ? Maybe after I had completed my childhood job - playing - that wonderful activity that comes so naturally to children . I did not want it now ! The alter of sacrificing , suffering , physical or mental , religious or otherwise , was not one on which I was voluntarily going to through myself . I was glad when my father decided he was going back to Africa alone . It was still too dangerous for families we were told . He left and we stayed behind living at Grandpa 's . end chapter 12

Heart of Darkness Revisited is a memoir of sorts . The original " Heart of Darkness " written by Joseph Conrad took place in the Belgian Congo , and that is also where I spent much of my childhood . I welcome comments . After the canoe I contented myself with a native girlfriend . I first met her when she came around selling fruit and vegetables . When we would not buy she would just sit around on our steps . She wasn 't real nosy or bothersome . She just sat quietly and watched what we did and how we ran our house . She was really sweat . She also had a " come hither " passivity about her that drew one towards her . I felt it very difficult to stay away . Soon we were offering her cookies like one would give to a child or a stray dog . She was simply there , peacefully taking us in . She stayed around , watching with those brown " doe eyes , " and watched - a porch sitter . We simply acquired her . She was very mature , as most of the young African women were , even at eleven years of age . I would sit on the porch steps next to her and talk . I watched her full brown breasts slide against her loose fitting blouse . Soon she was bringing us gifts . This posed a quandary , because in Africa , one can 't receive a gift without giving one in return . So , once or twice , we gave her a can of meat . A gift of meat , being a very scarce commodity , was a rare treat , and we never gave a can of meat to any other native . One day she invited me to see her parents . As my parents liked her and trusted her , they let me go . Since she lived across the river , I paddled us across in my canoe . We sauntered off into the jungle , me following her . I still don 't know why , but she seemed to have an inside line of direct communication with me and my family that made us trust her . On the way down the path to her village , we ate some fruit that she picked , and some luku . When we got to her parents house we had a full meal . We ate , we talked , we laughed . I don 't know what kind of a special occasion this was supposed to be , but it must have been meant to be something special . I only realized that later because we didn 't see her again for a full year after I returned that day . When I next saw her she had a three month old child . She was only eleven herself . She told me that she had married shortly after my last visit . She said that when she was full with child her husband had left her and gone to the city . She did not know where he was or when he would be coming back . She seemed to be suffering a great deal and we did our best to help her . She had a quiet dignity about her suffering that was appealing . It seemed to me that she suffered in such a natural way , without complaint , more like the dignity of an animal . I thought it was beautiful , not like the white man suffered . Life for the natives is hard , but they accept it , and it gives them a dignity I wish I had . There really wasn 't a lot we could do . There were also two white missionary girls that I liked to play with . They were the Delaney girls , Katherine and Jill . They went to school in the capitol with me and their parents were stationed at Bangala just like mine . It was fun having girlfriends to play with . I especially had fun the day Katherine decided to go on an outing with us boys . She was the older of the two and also the quieter one . We didn 't really know her as well as her sister . So we were surprised when she asked to go along . We took off on this particular day to the swamps for one of our exploration excursions . The water was always full of bugs and fish and turtles , and always lots of fun . We could go swimming too . Jimmy , Carl and I took her with us up the road and over a hill to the springs . We called this one , Skeleton Spring , because it had bones all over the bottom , protruding from the white sand . I imagined that the natives performed some secret rites of passage there that the missionaries knew nothing about . When we got there , as was our usual practice , we stripped and dove in for a swim . It was really thrilling to be swimming naked in front of a girl . We loved it . It was an actual acting out of every pubescent male 's fantasy . Katherine would not go so far as to take everything off , but she did undress down to her panties and swim with us . Then we carried our clothes and went walking along the miniature dikes around the springs . It must have been a funny sight - three little boys with three little erections pointing skyward , tripping along with Katherine faithfully following behind . We spent the whole afternoon with her playing and swimming but we never touched . It was thrilling enough just being with her . She never went along with us again , but this one time had been quite a thrill . We never talked about it , we didn 't tell our parents , and she never did it again . Our little adventure with Katherine was a very innocent and spontaneous event . But an occurrence a few weeks later was very different . This was something arranged by our parents . Even then , I could not figure out why this occurred . For some reason , Katherine 's parents and my parents decided to have us sleep together . I think the plan was to get us all acquainted with the facts of life before we were actually able to do anything about it . I 'll never know . None of us had yet gone through puberty . We were just arriving . They arranged for me , the older of the boys , to sleep with Jill , the younger of the girls , and for Carl , the youngest of the boys , to sleep with Katherine . I think this was done to be sure that if something did happen , no one would get pregnant . Anyhow , all of this was arranged and simply sprung on us kids . Obviously we accepted . I arrived at the Delaney 's that night in my striped pajamas , toothbrush in hand . I was put to bed with Jill , in a back room , in a large double bed . Just before we retired , Mrs . Delaney came in and put out the light . As she closed the door she whispered , " Now remember , don 't play doctor . " I couldn 't believe it ! They had arranged this - they had set it up , putting me in bed with their daughter , and then telling us to do nothing . Did they really mean " don 't play doctor , or was this a suggestion ? I never knew , and still don 't to this day . Having been put in this situation by our own parents , under their authority , I wasn 't about to do anything even remotely like playing doctor . That was something to be done in secret , without the consent of parents . We talked , we talked until late into the night , and then fell asleep . It was sweet dreams for me , but dreams only . I never even touched her , except maybe accidentally in my sleep . My pajamas never came off . We awoke as innocent as when we went to bed . We were quizzed in the morning by her parents . Later I was quizzed by mine . We maintained that nothing had happened - the truth . I asked Carl after he had spent the night with Katherine , what they had done . Again , nothing ! They told our parents the same . Who would have done different ? We knew our parents were right outside the door with their ears pressed against it . All I can figure is that maybe they were trying to be sure our libido 's were pointed in the right direction . Well they needn 't have worried about mine . Planned nights like the ones my parents arranged , nor the spontaneous ones out in the jungle , really cleared things up for me about sexuality . It was all just a big mystery . There were just too many intricacies and innuendos . I read as much as I could about it in the Encyclopedia Britannica . But all their stuff was about how the primates mated and what their sexual habits were . The only other source for this kind of information in Bangala was the pulp novels and detective story paperbacks the missionaries kept for diversion . I read a lot of those . I learned to love to read . These paperbacks took me into a whole other world , one with a lot more license than the one I lived in . Many of these pulp novels were mostly sexual in nature . The plots weren 't usually the most elaborate . I used to watch my father read them . I would watch until I would see him smile , then I would walk by and glance at the page number , later when he wasn 't around , I would read that page to see what he was smiling about . When I read them they were usually sex scenes . So I knew a little bit about my father that he wasn 't aware of . My parents never really seemed to realize that I read these books . Maybe I was too discreet . I can say they certainly were more interesting than my school books . My school books were dull in comparison . Whenever I found a book that was particularly dirty , and I didn 't want to get caught reading it , I would go hide with it in the woods . I would climb a large tree to my favorite perch and read . No one ever found me there , and no one ever suspected that I read in the woods . I learned to be careful though . One time I got so caught up in the book that I forgot where I was and fell out of the tree . Scared the heck out of me . Luckily the soft earth saved me from breaking any bones . Finally I made a hammock and hung it in my favorite tree . Now I could lay and read all day . I would take breaks only to listen to some rare bird sing his song , or watch a chameleon crawl up a limb . Many nights I would continue to read by candlelight . With wax dripping on the hand that held the candle , and the other , holding the book , I in heaven . There were many worlds in these books that I had no other access to , and they really enhanced my life , to say nothing of allowing me to exercise my sexual fantasies . Many of the pulp novels were simple vehicles to deliver sex . That 's what I thought , anyhow . At my age that was often enough . The climax of most of these books was when the hero seduced or was seduced and there ensued a furtive tumble in a convenient bed . None of the books were concerned with much else but the pursuit of the female and eventual penetration . But I was still looking for more detail . Clinical , down to the bone . So I searched harder than ever for more books with more detail on the subject . It was actually very healthy for me to have had these pulp novels available . My masculinity and my sexuality were under constant assault from the suppression and repression all around me . With the exception of the anomaly of our arranged - spending the night with the girls , I lived in a world of religious fanatics , puritanical , rigid and conforming to the core . These novels freed up my sexual inhibitions and lessened the repression . In these novels , passions were expressed , amplified , and acted upon . The heroes knew what they wanted and searched for the willing female . When they found her , they vented their passions , and that seemed good . Passions were not condemned , they were satiated . The atmosphere I was raised in was entirely the opposite . Passions were condemned as " of the flesh , " and bound to bring you down . They were to be kept under control or denied altogether . They were sinful , of this world , not the one we were supposed to be striving for . Sex was for procreation , not for fun , and it was only for married partners . As a male , our nature was condemned . We were dangerous , and females needed to be protected . This attitude made me feel guilty for my feelings . I was sinful just by virtue of having lustful feelings . These were to be curbed by whatever means possible . What made it worse , was that at the hostel we were always held up in comparison to the girls . They were passive , submissive , good ! We boys were unruly , bad , and depraved creatures . We were punished daily for our supposed transgressions . This overly frantic desire to control us only made us more rebellious and less willing to behave . If only they had just let us be . We would have been good little boys . But we never got that chance . What misery the myth of being guilty by virtue of original sin caused . There is no escaping original sin . So while we wanted to be good , we were never perceived that way , and so nothing was worse by what we did . With no choice to be good , being worse than we really were , was freedom . We therefore misbehaved with a vengeance . The quiet little girls were constantly held up to us as the better example of the human race . I am surprised we didn 't all wish we were girls , we were hounded so much about the whole business . At least I was not at the hostel now . And since my parents were busy educating and converting the natives , I was left rather much alone , which was very good for me , as supervised behavior is exhausting . Aunt Daisy wasn 't here looking over my shoulder . I was home in the bush having fun , reading twice as much as I did when I was in school . This summer I was particularly interested in an old maid that lived in the house just below ours . She would invite me down to her house to give her back rubs . I am not sure if my parents knew what I was doing or not . For her though , I imagine it was the closest thing to sex she ever got . She certainly seemed to get excited when I touched her . But I never suspected anything other than she needed some musculature relief . If she had wanted more , I never picked up on it . Or maybe she was too repressed and didn 't know she really wanted more . She had another interesting pastime . She liked to raise little dogs - a type of cocker spaniel . She had the male and her spinster sister had a the matching female . Every Christmas , the two spinsters would get together and help their dogs make puppies . It was a big production in their household . The matter became more and more serious , as after several Christmases , and much coaching and watching , there were still no puppies . Although they reported lots of supervised matings , no progeny happened . They commissioned Uncle Totty , the " go to guy , " to build a cart with wheels so they could push the male around on it . They had finally come to the conclusion that the male was just too short to get his organ up in high enough to get results . They would help him ! Well , the cart worked , and the sister 's Christmas pastime finally paid off . Their bitch produced a litter of pups . I would have loved to have watched those two old maids pushing that cart around with that male dog on it , humping away . I finished the seventh grade and we were all sent home for the summer . Bangala was a nice place to spend the summer . It was wonderful to be out of school . Uncle Totty had a large dugout canoe that had been made to his personal specifications . It was large enough to hold more than a dozen people . It had a squared off rear end so that it could accommodate an outboard motor and it was painted bright green . With the motor engaged , it would cut through the water like a speedboat . When the dry season came and the river revealed its sand bars Uncle Totty would invite us out to picnic on them . On this particular day Uncle Totty invited my family along . Picnic lunches were packed . Uncle Totty 's family , ours and one other family went on this escapade . We piled in at the dock below our house and off we went . As usual some of the natives in their little canoes tried to paddle along and keep up with us . The crowd on the shore waved goodbye . We quickly outran the smaller canoes and were in the open river . Picnics were very strange to the natives . They thought they were some kind of a rite , a ritual with a significance that they did not understand and we could not explain . We had quit trying to discuss this with the natives since they never believed us when we told them a picnic was simply that , nothing else . There was an island in the river a mile or so down stream , and it seemed to help form a number of large sand bars . We stopped on one of them . Most everyone went in swimming but I didn 't . I don 't know for sure if I was just being anti social or if I was truly afraid of getting eaten by a crocodile . Anyhow , I didn 't go in the water . I had heard many stories about people being eaten and this island was uninhabited . I thought that no one really knew for sure if this was a safe area to swim or not . I sat on the edge of the canoe and watched the others swim . Suddenly there was a rustle in the bushes at the edge of the river and a bevy young girls emerged from the river bank . They were carrying fishing baskets . Apparently they had come to the shallows between the river bank and the sand bar to fish . Seeing us there was a real surprise . They chatted amongst themselves for a minute and then they scampered across the water towards me . The water only came up to their knees . They were naked except for a few beads and G - strings . I watched wide eyed as they came bouncing towards me . They were all young teens and their firm breasts bounced on their chests as they came approached . I stared with my blue eyes wide ! I could see that their eyes were bright with discovery too . The canoes that had tried to follow us had been left behind our furrowed wake , but these girls had been blessed with stumbling across us . They weren 't from the local village , so white people were especially interesting to them . They came within ten feet of me and then stopped . I was the only one out of the water , so they stood in front of me , and pointed and laughed and smiled . They discussed me as if they were looking at a prize animal at a farm show , or maybe more like an animal in a zoo . They could not figure out what we were doing here . Their smiles showed rows of ivory white teeth . They were quite entranced with this unforeseen circumstance . And with me sitting here all by myself , they were not afraid . Soon they began to tease me by purposely jiggling their little tits at me , and moving their hips in suggestive motions . They were completely uninhibited . One of the older ones came forward with a big grin on her face , walked up to the canoe and sat down beside me . She moved her naked buttocks against my thigh . It was more excitement than I was used to . I looked out at the water and could see my father looking intently at these goings on . I could feel the pressure of his stare . I dared not move . I didn 't know who I was more afraid of , her or my father . I sat transfixed on the spot . She spoke to me but it was in one of the dialects that I did not understand , so I just smiled back . I wanted to run off with her and her friends . They seemed so free , so easy , so poised . Not stiff , not fanatical , like the missionaries I was with . But my reverie was short lived because Uncle Totty came barreling out of the water and chased them off . They ran like a bunch of rabbits , toppled into the water , and waded back to the river bank . Then they stood and watched us till we left . Later that afternoon one of Uncle Totty 's friends almost drowned , but Carl and Jimmy saved him . Two weeks later I heard from some of the natives that a large crocodile had been killed just off that very same sand bar . I was convinced that it I had gone swimming I surely would have been eaten . I never swam anywhere except right off the dock in front of our house . I knew it was safe there . That summer my father commissioned a little dugout built for my brother and I . It was made from a firm white wood and just big enough for two . We quickly mastered the little craft and soon were able to cross the river and land where we wanted to . This was not an easy task as the current in the Kwilu was very swift . You could not paddle directly across the river . It was just too fast . To do it we had to first paddle upstream along the shore where we could push with our paddles on the bottom of the river . Then , when we were far enough upstream , we would nose out into the river , still pointing the canoe upstream . One had to cross at a diagonal going upstream to cross , as the current was too strong to just head directly across . We would paddle as hard as we could . By the time we would get to the other side of the river we would have been pushed back downstream to about where we had started on the opposite bank . But we could do it , and soon did it very well . Sometimes , I would take the canoe across by myself . If I arrived on the other side , upstream from my intended landing point , I would turn the canoe around and go with the current , still paddling . Boy could I get up some speed ! I could then come swooping into the dock like a real master . Sometimes I would bring natives across that needed a lift . Once I brought a woman across that was in labor and she left blood on the bottom of my canoe . I considered it the mark of a hero . These canoes are highly maneuverable and quite suitable to water , but nonetheless , require a certain acquired skill . Standing up in one of these dugouts is a real balancing act . They are narrow with a round bottom , and barely stay upright when empty . Anyone not familiar with these canoes , finds it almost impossible to stand in one . Carl and I could stand up well in them because we had had practice in the swamps . We knew how to keep our balance . Each person riding in one of these canoes needs to have the skill . Even if there are two experienced people in one of these canoes , a third person with no balancing skill , will topple the canoe every time . All three persons end up in the water , often with the craft left upside down . This was brought home to me very clearly when my dad decided that he was going to learn to use our little dugout . My father came down to the river in a pair of army green shorts . Typical attire for him in the tropics . The natives , perceiving that something different was about to take place , followed him down to the river . A small crowd gathered while my father instructed Carl and I to unhitch the canoe from the tree root where it was securely chained and padlocked . We were frightened , as we did not want to anger him . We were sure he would end up in the river , soaking wet . We spent about five minutes explaining to him how hard it was to keep one 's balance in the dugout . He found it very difficult to believe . We wanted him to sit in the middle between us and take a couple trips across the river first , then try some paddling . But he insisted that he was going to stand up and paddle . There was nothing we could do to avoid a spanking , so we obliged . Needless to say he couldn 't do it . He couldn 't stand up and keep his balance for even a few seconds . Over and over again he turned the boat over , dumping the three of us into the river . The natives on the bank were howling with laughter . Some of them were laughing so hard they couldn 't even stand up . Several fell off the riverbank into the water . They had never seen anything like it before . I felt like one of the three stooges . My father grew angrier and angrier . He couldn 't believe that it was this hard to stand up in the canoe . Since Carl and I could stand and paddle , he thought that he should be able to . He thought Carl and I were doing something on purpose , because we couldn 't keep the canoe from tipping over , every time he stood up . He yelled and screamed at us . The natives howled even more . Here was the white missionary father trying such a simple thing and failing . Over and over and over he tumbled into the water . Over and over again we tried . We knew if dad could just relax and take a few trips sitting down , that he would get the feel of it , and be able to do it . But he wanted to do it now . It didn 't appear such a hard task . But he just couldn 't do it now ! When he finally gave up , after more than an hour , he made us put up the canoe and come with him . He scolded us all the way up the hill to the house . He was sure we had done in on purpose so as to discourage him . And he was furious with the natives who had had such a great afternoon 's entertainment . In the days that followed , my father did not ask for any more practice in canoe maneuvers . My brother and I were free to paddle wherever we liked without him . What a blessing ! I had an ulterior motive for liking to cross the river . While paddling up the shore I would always pass women bathing . That , for a pubescent boy was a real treat . The women didn 't care if I looked . Since I was paddling by , ostensibly to cross the river , I seemed innocent enough . Some of them found me amusing . So I crossed the river a lot . My stares never hurt them . I would head out across the river , paddling with my back to them , so they wouldn 't see my erection , poking out my little shorts . Once though , one of them did notice , and they all laughed when she pointed it out . Once a fish as big as my canoe turned in the water , just beside my boat . The sun caught the scales on its side , and I could see him clearly in the water . In the flash of the reflected light , I was scared to death to see how big it was . I stood frozen . And I did not return my paddle to the water until I had drifted much further downstream . I didn 't do any more canoe crossings for a number of days . It took a while for the fear to subside . The murky dark water was always frightening to the imagination , but to see such a big fish swimming next to me , seemed a real threat . Since most of the natives did not have canoes , I was often asked to give rides . I never refused . It made me feel important . Another time , I took a woman and her newborn baby across to the hospital . Actually this was stupid , for many of the natives did not swim . They would bath , but swimming was not typical . If I had dumped the canoe over , and the rider drowned , I would have been killed . The natives still believed in old testament justice , " An eye for an eye . " Even in the big cities it was like that . If you had a car accident and someone was killed , often , the driver would be pulled from his car and beaten to death . A cultural reaction . The police in Leopoldville had instructed the missionaries to not stick around if involved in an accident . They told us , " Head straight for the nearest police station and report it , but don 't stop . " When I got tired of my canoe , I played . Sometimes I took walks with a native girl I liked . With the field clear , Uncle Ron began digging the foundation , filling it with rocks and cement . Uncle Ron was an ordained minister , not an architect . This however , was not a stumbling block . He would build it as best he could . That 's how the missionaries got so much done . They just did it . Then they lived with it . They weren 't the poor me types . There were no building codes , and a white man could build just about whatever he wanted . Miracles were performed under this can do system - chaos with a mission . Uncle Totty flew in from the bush once in awhile to help ; he was the official builder sent out from our mission board . The place was built without professionals , much of it done with child labor , both willing and unwilling . By the end of the year , the new hostel was up and running . We children and our hostel parents moved in . What real joy ! This house was full of children . Adults seemed superfluous . Twenty four people in all , and only three adults . It was big , it was beautiful , but mostly it was ours . The hostel was in the shape of the letter Y . The large center area was for playing games and for meetings and devotions . One wing was the kitchen and dinning area , the eating area facing the center . The other two wings , one for boys and one for girls , were dormitories with a central bath and shower . Uncle Ron and Aunt Daisy roomed at the entrance to the boys wing . An Australian spinster roomed at the entrance to the girls wing . You can guess what her job was . Keep the boys out ! This brings up the subject of sexuality . It was a huge paradox to be in Africa , while being children of strong Puritan lineage . At home , around our missionary parents and guardians , sex was taboo , while outdoors among the natives , sexuality was pervasive . You could start just by looking around , sex was being performed by every kind of insect , lizard , bird , toad , rodent , and by the pigs , goats , sheep , chickens and ducks that roamed freely . The desirable hens had no feathers left on the back of their necks because that 's where the roosters grabbed them . The tropical jungle was a regular sex parade . On top of that , the African children seemed to mature much earlier than us white children . Most girls were pregnant by the time their breasts were developed , and they went on being pregnant till they died , or passed menopause . It was very noticeable . I could never figure out why . No birth control and no restraint - a big cultural difference ! The average native life span was around forty years , so short that marrying and having children early was a necessity . All the native women in their teens had children . From a young boy 's perspective , I was enticed early , as bare breasted women were everywhere , especially in the bush . Nursing was done constantly by the majority of women , and so breasts were always in view . And of course , sex had to be a constant to keep the flow of children coming because half of them died before the age of three . So many children died that a family would get two or three to adulthood out of six or seven born . So children were expected to grow up fast , and be productive as soon as possible . We white children in comparison were kept children as long as possible . Most certainly we were kept away from sex . As best as that can be managed with sex going on all around . Africa was teaming with life and everywhere you turned their was one animal on top of another or one insect stuck to the other , end to end . It didn 't take much to figure out what all the bugs , toads , lizards , chickens , goats and sheep were dI always thought that the missionaries wanted to keep us children as long as possible to lengthen the time for indoctrination . For I can readily say that the most dominant feeling I had as a child was that I was being indoctrinated . The longer we were physically and psychologically dependent , the longer the adults had to structure our minds in their manner . Missionaries were good at this . One could paraphrase a famous poem and say , " A child is a child , is a child , is a child . " The missionaries wanted us to be children for life - psychologically at least . They took over whole native cultures didn 't they ? They were expert . So missionary children like myself learned to daydream - the only mental freedom we had . No one could see in here . And I learned to hide very well . What other choice did I have ? Unfortunately , years of practicing this led me to be hidden from myself . Sometime during the year of the new hostel , I got hold of a BB gun . It wasn 't mine , but belonged to a friend who didn 't use it . It didn 't work at the time that I discovered it , but I talked him into letting me fix it . I did get it fixed and had my mother send down all the BB 's I had brought from the U . S . Every day after school I would go hunting . I must have killed ten to fifteen birds each afternoon . I also shot lizards and toads , but BB 's don 't kill them and they would just run away wounded . Soon I could gauge the effect of the wind and the pull of gravity , making with every shot , the appropriate adjustments . I shot any bird available , and spared none . If it came into view , I shot it . I even shot tiny little hummingbirds . In order to lessen my guilt I would give the birds , even the smallest of them , to the natives . They ate them , as they ate anything that moved . I watched them once cook a hummingbird I provided in with some beans . It added just a touch of meat flavor . The hardest birds to kill , or even get close to , were doves . You could hardly get close to them . They were a very shy breed . There were two kinds . The " Road Dove , " so called because tI had very little sympathy for other animals . I don 't know why . Part of being male I suppose . As I grew older and began to feel some guilt , I began to rationalized my behavior . I would tell myself that certain animals were pests , or that others were just so ugly they deserved death , just for looking that bad . But these were all just excuses . One of the ugly species I justified killing , were the local fruit bats . They fed at night in the mango trees . They made a lot of noise . And they really were ugly . A fruit bat is very large . The wing span is often five feet . From the middle of each wing protrudes a bony hand that was once a forelimb . If that weren 't frightening enough , the face reminds one of a moose , only with pointed ears and many soft folds of skin around the nose and mouth . The folds are part of a smelling apparatus for feeding in the dark . The first time I saw one up close I would not even touch it . We had shot it out of a tree just at dusk , right outside the hostel . It was wounded in the wing and tumbled out of the tree to the ground . We played with it for many hours , eventually , killing it . We missionary kids were always forming clubs . Each had its own clandestine purposes and operations . As long as a club could keep exclusive membership or retain their secrets it survived . Once these aspects were lost , the club would falter and die . What was there to attract one , or to preserve , once the mystique was gone ? The tree house clubs were the most fun . There were many formed and many tree houses built . But building a tree house was just the beginning . The real fun was fighting to keep other boys our of your tree house . There were many great battles fought when a rival gang would desecrate your club 's tree house . Oh what terrible fights we got into . Sometimes they would last for months , with battles being fought every day or so . The boys that couldn 't run very fast had to learn to stand and hold their ground or stay in and read . Once in a great while you might be able to get a girl to go up in the tree house with you . If you could accomplish this , it was great storytelling . You could say you got a kiss , or played some doctor game . Your prestige would go way up . If you were actually seen in a tree house with a girl , you would be talked about and discussed , which was greatly desired by all . Sneaking around the hostel in the still of the night was a wonderful thrill . Though it was frowned upon by our foster parents , they had to get some sleep . We boys would creep down the girl 's hall in the dead of night , fantasizing all the nasty things we would like to do . One night I was dared to go all the way down to the end of the girl 's wing . Not being able to refuse , due to my reputation , I went . Just when I got there , the whole rest of the gang made a big noise , clapping and screaming just outside our beloved spinster 's door . Out she came in a flash , and I only had time to duck into a closet . I must have stayed there hiding for several hours . I was certain that I would be discovered . She even opened the closet door several times , but she never saw me . My heart was pounding like a cannon . I thought for sure she could hear it , and know I was there . Finally , after I felt she might have gone back to bed , I crept out . I snuck quickly back to my bed and stayed quite tame for several months . I was really upset with the rest of the gang that had tried to get me in trouble . After that , I contented myself with raiding the kitchen fridge for several months . I didn 't want to be accused of something in the spinster 's imagination . This year there were several of us older boys that were approaching puberty . There was a natural arousal and interest in sex . We watched the dogs and cats do it . We watched all the animals do it . We were very excited by all these new feelings . Girls seemed unfathomably desirable . When we were with any of the girls , and witnessed some of the compound dogs mating , it was even more exciting . We would look at the girls ' eyes and faces and " Hey Becky ! What 's wrong with you ? Can 't you take off your T - shirt anymore ? " I said . " My father said I was not to take my shirt off anymore , " she countered . We teased her mercilessly that day , and for several weeks afterwards . Poor girl , she really wanted to be one of us , but her body was taking her away from us . It was only a short while after this that we began to notice little budding breasts through her shirts . When she got sweaty from playing hard , her T - shirt would stick to the little buds that stuck out of her chest . Her dad must have seen them coming . We would get her to play four square and basketball with us just so she would sweat and we could peak at the revelation inconspicuously . As we boys that were reaching puberty , we felt more of the urge , and began to sneak around the compound at night . We spied in the bathroom windows from whatever hiding places we could find . And we would run at the sound of footsteps that might be someone out to catch us . We spent many hours waiting in the bushes outside bathroom windows , patiently waiting for any glimpse , however fleeting of any of the missionary wives or older daughter . There wasn 't a single woman on the compound that one of us hadn 't seen naked . My brother and I discovered that you could get up in the attic of the hostel by climbing through the porch , which had no ceiling . We would sneak up through there and go over the girls showers and lift up a ceiling tile . We could see them showering plain as plain as day . That was great fun . We kept that one a secret . It was too good to loose by spreading the word and having some bozo get caught . There was a pretty risqué business going on during evening devotions too . While we were supposed to be listening to the Bible readings and singing hymns , we would be looking up the girls bathrobes . The devotions were directly after showers . So we would all be in our night cloths . Some of the girls could never sit and keep their legs together . While Uncle Ron read in a high monotone from the " Good Book , " and Aunt Daisy led the hymns , we boys would be peering up the girl 's robes and down their tops . They were naked underneath . We boys shared a lot of pleasant sights . One of the girls , Jill , with quite voluptuous breasts , was so oblivious to our stares , that we could literally stand there and just stare at them . She never noticed . She could never keep her legs together either . One night Uncle Ron saw what was going on and ordered all the girls to wear underwear under their robes to devotions . end chapter 15 The best year that I could remember was now over . I was on my way back to Africa , the humid , green , hot , unpredictable Congo . Not the Belgian Congo any longer , just the Congo . The name would soon be changed to Zaire , and the capital city would be called , Kinshasa , not Leopoldville . I had had a year 's vacation from the pain of always being a foreigner . Now I was off to be one again . I hoped it would be better this time . We took a Pan Am plane back to the Congo , and again , the first leg was to Belgium . It was still the major airline hub to the Congo . We returned to a free country , no longer a colony , and we hoped more peaceful . We returned to Bangala the place we had left just a year before . For some reason , our house , singled out from all the other missionary houses , had been lived in during our absence . My father had always been friendly with the Congolese , inviting them into our home and often for supper . It seemed that this may have been the reason that the natives felt free to live in our house while we were gone , but not in any of the other homes . I stood in the middle of my room and cried . I felt violated . Rape must feel something like this . Although most of what I could remember was still around , it had all been used . My clothes had all been worn . Some were now yellowed and had holes worn in them . I went through all my things and felt the old familiar pain , the mental anguish of my childhood . Nothing was really mine , everything that was mine had been desecrated , handled by someone else , without my consent . It didn 't cheer me to hear the other missionaries telling how their houses were exactly as they had left them - even to the point of twenty francs of change still on a dresser where it had been left . All I could think , was , " Why my house , my room , my things ! " I knew life wasn 't fair , but this violation was too constant . We spent the summer in Bangala , a vacation of sorts . I got used to the new situation , and then it was time to go back to school again , in the big city , Leopoldville . We occupied the same yellow tow story hostel we had had before . This time however , we were on the second floor and we had new hostel parents . Uncle Ron and Aunt Daisy . On our arrival we were told that this year , a new hostel would be built . The new one would be built as a hostel , designed just for that purpose . That too was good news . It made us feel important . Being shuttled around all the time had never made me feel important , a theme that was pervasive for me . There was a very fortunate occurrence regarding school . This year , a Mennonite sect from Kansas had set up an English speaking school . It was an international school that took in missionary kids as well as other foreigners , mostly the sons and daughters of the foreign service and large companies with staff in the Congo . I was elated to be going to school , taught in English , for the second year in a row . I had been luck , and was now in class at my grade level . I had caught up . The year started out okay . Then uncle Don came down with hepatitis , some called it yellow jaundice . It was type A , the kind that was spread through bathrooms . Every male in the hostel got it . Uncle Ron was partially better when all us boys came down with it . Uncle Ron almost died from it . We kids thought for sure we would die from it . Oh , were we sick ! Yellow to the bone , pissing blood and vomiting till our guts seemed inside out . One by one we boys got sick . First a yellowing of the skin became noticeable , then the whites of our eyes turned yellow , then the weakness and nausea . Then our urine would turn blood red with bile and then the vomiting would begin . I was the last to get it . I was so weak I could barely lift my head when the others were feeling better . I only had the energy to vomit . So while I was so weak I couldn 't move the other kids were well enough to take advantage of me . They couldn 't get out of bed so they entertained themselves by making soggy paper wads and shooting them at me with rubber bands . Splat , splat , one after another the wet wads hit my head . I complained to Aunt Daisy , but every time she came in they hid them . Since she couldn 't catch them she didn 't think it was as bad as I made it out to be . So much for a another start at school . We were all thin and very weak when it was all over . We were told by the doctor not to play any sports for a year , and not to do physical labor either . But that advice lasted about as long as it took us to get outside . We didn 't hesitate to play . We just quit when we were so tired we couldn 't stand . There was also work to be done . There was a new hostel to be built . We kids were invited to help . Since so many projects in the mission field are team efforts , and much of the labor voluntary , kids were allowed to help . We actually did do quite a lot of work . It was one of the few things that made us feel important . Uncle Ron was in charge of construction , although he had never built a house before , nor had he any education in building construction . He just got advice from Uncle Totty , another missionary , but with extensive building experience . Uncle Ron showed us kids where the field was to be cleared and we set about doing it . We had a lot of fun . For instance , is there anything children like more than being destructive ? I certainly enjoyed being destructive as a child . Anyhow , the first order of the day was to knock down the old servants ' quarters and cook house . We weren 't given any specific instructions , just permission to level it . We proceeded to do just that , with whatever tool we found . We made a game if it , and carried out the scheme . The servant 's quarters was long narrow series of rooms - baked mud bricks held together with mud . It had served as decent lodging for many years , but with a gang of boys cut loose on it , it was rubble in no time . We played war games , threw bricks and rocks , pushed walls , and kicked and screamed . It never seemed like work . Soon the place was leveled . All that was left was a pile of sand which we smoothed out level with the the ground . The next order was to cut down all the trees , mostly palm trees that were in the way . That too became fun and games . Uncle Ron , to speed things up , offered us 50 francs for every palm tree we cut down . If you have ever tried to cut down a palm tree , you know it is not an easy task . The reason is simple . The palm tree rises from the ground on its roots . The older it is , the higher it sits on its roots . Sometime the tree may be sitting four feet off the ground . These roots are one mass of solid spongy tough fiber . Cutting into this bulbous mass of root is like trying to cut steel with a rubber spatula . The spongy roots give when struck with an ax or machete , and the tool bounces back at you . No damage to the root . But dangerous to you . Very frustrating . I started out with a lot of enthusiasm on one particular tree . My enthusiasm didn 't last long . I took a break and began to think how I could get the job done the easiest . I had two ideas . One was to get someone else to work for less than I would get paid , and secondly , I would see if I could cut one palm tree down in such as way as it would fall and hit another tree . It would surely knock that one over too . At least that is what I thought . I bragged about my idea , but Uncle Ron told me it couldn 't be done . The next day I recruited an older African student to help me . I told him I would give him a stick of gum if he would cut the tree down for me . He agreed , I don 't know if he did it for the gum , or just for something to do . Perhaps he thought if he got involved , he would get a regular job out of it . I don 't know . But he did proceed and I instructed him as to how I wanted the tree to fall so it would hit another one just thirty feet away . We did it . He cut while I watched . By that afternoon , the first tree fell . Just as it reached its full thrust of the fall , it hit the other palm tree which it uprooted and tore from the ground . They both lay fallen and I was ecstatic . I had been brilliant . A real capitalist . A creative artist ! I ran to Uncle Ron for my 100 francs , 50 for each tree . He didn 't believe me at first , when I told him what I had done . He had to come see for himself . He was sort of pissed off that I had done what he said couldn 't be done - and by a child as well ! When he saw that I had in fact done it , he had to give me the 100 francs . He knew that the second tree that was uprooted was no accident either , because I had told him ahead of time what I had proposed to do . But being the adult , and the hostel parent , he made me give 50 francs , half of what I had earned , to the student who had helped me . I really resented that since I had already given him his stick of gum . What is fair ? All in the eyes of the perceiver . end chapter 14 There was a town in a valley not to far from Hossburg were my cousins lived . The cousins were Uncle John 's and Aunt Helaine 's children . I loved being at their house . It was so warm and human , not cold as so many places I had lived . Uncle John was gone a lot driving his coal trucks , but still we felt that he liked being with us children best when he wasn 't working . My cousins were a friendly bunch and very positive in outlook . Bad things happened , but they took them in stride so well , you almost couldn 't notice . Since my aunt and uncle had five children of their own , they understood children and related easily to me , my brothers and sisters . It seems that if we weren 't at my grandfather 's we were at their place . Their house was also on route 15 , about twenty feet from the edge of the road . Trucks roared by day and night . At night they didn 't even slow down and you could look out the front door and see them whizzing by at seventy miles an hour . Few dogs or cats survived living at this house on the highway . A few smart ones with a natural instinct for the dangers of the road , did survive . Uncle John and Aunt Helaine lost a couple horses to route 15 . Right out the back door was a white picket fence that kept the horses corralled . It was very nice to look out the kitchen window and see the horses . When we were young and small they kept ponies and small horses . We rode them most of the summer . When we weren 't riding we would be playing in the pasture . Playing in the Tioga river . There were a few places deep enough to swim in , and there were plenty of small pebbles to skip on the water . My aunt Helaine had run off with Uncle John when she was just fourteen . He was in his twenties and back from the World War II . He had been a bombardier on a B - 15 with war stories to tell , and a purple heart . My grandpa , the preacher , had a lot of trouble keeping his kids home . What with my dad eloping with my mother , and Helaine running off at fourteen . He hadn 't liked Uncle John from the very beginning . The two of them kept a quiet tolerance most of the time . Grandpa used to say that he knew Uncle John 's family and there was some genetic predisposition to epilepsy . He didn 't want his grandchildren picking up any of that . But grandpa turned out to be right as several of Uncle John 's children were epileptic . It never slowed them down much . No hiding it . We talked openly about it . It never became a stumbling block for any of those affected . After a summer in the U . S . , my father decided to go back to the mission station at Bangala , even though it was not safe . So he left us , mom and 4 children , and went back to the Belgian Congo . We kids were glad he was gone . Life would be easier with his overbearing authority weighing on us . We spent our time playing to our hearts content . My grandfather built a go - cart . It was pieced together from old mine carts , washing machine parts , and an old lawn mower engine . It looked like a little red box - cart , except it had a real motor . We rode it up and down the driveway bouncing in and out of the potholes . We chased rabbits in it , and sometimes tried to scare the old landlady . She may have been more of a sport than we gave her credit for , because we never heard a word from Grandpa about bothering here . When we tired of the go - cart grandpa dug a pond . The rains filled it and he made a little boat from two car hoods from a junkyard welded together . Those old hoods had sides and when welded end to end , made a nice metal boat . We paddled around in that little pond by the hour , making believe it was big a big ocean . We were pirates of the open seas and dug for buried treasure on the Tioga river bank . We convinced ourselves that pirates had come up the Tioga and buried their treasures on the banks , right where we were digging . Sometimes we took off along the railroad tracks as they followed the river . We liked throwing rocks at all the snakes that liked to lay in the tracks basking in the sun . Sometimes we took a BB gun or pellet gun along and shot at them . We tried to kill rabbits too , but we just hurt them mostly . Blinded a few , at least in one eye , before they got away . We shot a lot of robins too , even though Grandpa would remind us that they were protected by law and we weren 't supposed to . One of our favorite pastimes was to go out to the city dump at night and watch for bears . We would park along the rim of the dump and leave our lights on . Often bears would take advantage of the light and rummage through the garbage in the glare of our headlights . When the bears moved on we would drive home slowly spotting dear , raccoon , and other small animals . It was very exciting . When all was quiet on these leisurely drives , we would beg grandpa to quit smoking . He had had several heart attacks already , and cancer of the throat . We didn 't want him to die and take away all our fun . But he never would stop . He liked it too much . During the day people would go to the dump and shoot rats with a 22 caliber rifle . Not much else to do for entertainment in these hills . I didn 't like guns with bullets . I liked air guns because they were quiet . The others hurt my ears . I was in the minority though . Most of these hill people liked guns and hunting . I guess grandpa got tired of just looking at bears and decided he would get his youngest son a bear gun . What he bought was a 303 English infantry rifle . He found it at an Army Navy surplus store . Only paid seven dollars for it . It had a wooden stock that went all the way down the barrel . He sawed the extra wood off to make it look more like modern rifle . He smoothed down the edges , sanded and polished it , and what a beauty it turned out to be . He called it his bear gun . Sonny killed a lot of deer and a few bear with it over the next several years . I didn 't like killing dear . Squirrels were about as big an animal as I really wanted to shoot . My grandfather would shoot squirrels right out of the trees . He was a good shot . He would make us squirrel caps with the tail hanging down the back . We even ate some squirrel meat , but it was very stringy and tough and hardly worth the trouble . The days got shorter and so did the fun . Then the fun ended when school began . I was taken to school early to take a bunch of tests . These placement tests were to see if I could be moved back up a grade or two . I passed the fifth grade level test with a D , so they passed me to the sixth grade . If this hadn 't been done I would have been behind in school my whole life . I wanted to be with my peers just like everyone else . The school bus left from the center of town . I had to walk there to catch it . It used to drive me crazy because this was the opposite direction of the school . After all the trouble I went to get to the bus stop , the bus would pass right back by my house to get to the school . To walk a mile in the cold and snow , then wait outside for fifteen minutes at the bus stop , only to pass my grandpa 's cozy house a half hour later seemed absurd ! None of my cousins were at the school with me . They lived a few miles away . A little grammar school was just up the road from my Uncle John 's house , and I would have liked to live with them and go to school half a block away , but their house was already crowded . The two cousins that were old enough to go to school were taught at home because of the epilepsy problem . I felt slighted because they got special treatment and I wanted some too . I surprised myself and did fairly well in school . I think part of the reason was that my father wasn 't there to criticize me . I did much better on my own without someone hanging over my shoulders telling me to study . I got no satisfaction out of studying for my dad , only for myself . I felt getting average grades . I didn 't need to get straight A 's , as my father thought . While he was gone , I didn 't even flunk math . Neither did I cause undue trouble for my teachers . They thought I was normal . What a change of experience for me . Didn 't get in many fights . I liked the absence of my father and relished in the freedom from constant overseeing . The good food and good television also did me a lot of good . I even got a little chubby from my indulgences . That winter was not as fun as the summer had been , but it was good . My feelings about myself were on the mend . It was a year of much less mental pain than I had gotten used to . The change did me a lot of good . Turned out to be one of the best school years of my life ! I don 't associate a lot of pain with that year ; that 's how i know . The lack of constant torment allowed me to blossom . I knew my father had had a troubled and tortured childhood , but I didn 't understand why he couldn 't do better . After a year , things had settled down in the Congo . It was time for us to return as well . My father sent for us and it was back to the bush again . We drove the two lane blacktop through the hills to the small town where I had spent the first few years of my life . I hadn 't been back for four years . Seemed like forever . Like so many other mining towns in the area , Hossburg seemed to by dying - - it was at least , at a standstill . The coal veins had given out and the young had been moving out in droves . Those that stayed behind , or where left behind , managed as best they could . My grandfather ministered to them from a small Baptist church , white clapboard , with a baptismal picture behind the pulpit . He had stayed with this small church in the dying town for a long time . He could have had a big church in a larger city , but he preferred the intimacy of a small town and a small church . He never went back to the big city and the big congregations . Route 15 runs right through the middle of town . My grandfather 's rented house was just off the highway down a gravel drive full of potholes . That summer we kids spent a lot of time and effort trying to fill the holes , just because we loved him so much . He played with us ; so we worked for him , whether he asked for our help or not . My grandfather only had three quarters of the house - the downstairs and half of the second story . The other half of the upstairs was occupied by the landlady . She kept an eye on us , so that the whole family under surveillance . But , we never saw her much and were glad that we didn 't . We kids used to love to jump off the steps that led to her apartment , round the back of the house . They were steep with open side rails . We would climb them and jump out the side , daring each other to jump from one step higher . I don 't remember any of us ever breaking a limb , but it is difficult to understand how we did not . At the top of the stairs was a door that the landlady rarely used . It was her back door . One afternoon while I was watching TV I saw how a thief was able to get into someone 's house without breaking in . He saw through the keyhole that the key was on the inside of the lock . He slipped a newspaperFurther down to the right there was an old chicken coop . Next to it , a red barn , left over from when this land had been a farm . Most of my grandfather 's descendent 's learned to ride bike by riding down the hill from the barn to the road . It wasn 't too steep so you could learn to coast down it before you had to peddle . I learned on that little hill too . Beside the barn was a small woods . In the middle of the woods there were some old mining carts . There was some old mining track laying around as well . Rabbits and small animals were plentiful . We had lots of rocks from the river to throw at them . There were lots of snakes too , attracted to the rock for cover . Many of them were copperheads and rattlers . In the summer when we would go blackberry picking with Grandpa and Uncle John . They would tell us to " Watch out for the rattlers . " But none of us ever got bit . Once we saw a black bear in the woods and grandpa made us stay out if it for a few days . My grandfather kept a hammock in the woods . He liked to lie there by the hour just looking up at the sky . I always wondered what he was thinking , but I never asked him . He liked resting in the woods cause grandma never came out there . He counted on that . Besides , he was watching the kids . He loved watching us play . Didn 't want to play with us , just watch . And we liked that . The older he got , the more he liked kids , and the more he spent time with us . He always said adults could learn more from kids than the other way around . That 's what he used to tell me anyway . I asked him why he didn 't go back to one of the big churches in the city where they would pay him better . He always said they needed him more here . I am sure he was right . I think he liked being needed . He was only happy making sacrifices . A trait my father seemed to have taken from him . With all the traveling in my life , and all the changes , it was always nice to return to Grandpa 's house . This was the only place that ever felt like home to me . Every other place was just that , some other place . I especially liked the dinning area . It was not a separate room from the kitchen , but an extension of it . It was usually crowded , and we never knew how many people would be there for a meal . You see , we kids were driven back and forth between Uncle John 's and Grandpa 's according to our whim of the moment . It was like having two homes . However crowded the dining room may have been , we could always squeeze in another person . This was because the dining table was long and narrow , and had church pews on either side . You could just about squeeze as many people on one of those benches as you wanted to . You just sat closer and tighter . The table itself was really a large picnic table . At each end of the table was a metal folding chair . At the head of the table , on the wall , was a large picture of a child in a highchair saying his blessing . That always seemed to remind me that I was in a preacher 's home . One could feel very important sitting at the head of this table , with the picture behind you , and the church pews on either side . Very medieval in feeling . The kitchen was just that , a serviceable area with a pink counter top , an old toaster , and one or two other appliances . Not the kitchen of a great chief , but Grandpa could make that kitchen sing . He even rigged up the old fridge so it worked even after the handle broke off . In its place was a large spoon . It had a whole drilled in one end attached to the inside latch . You just pulled the spoon to open the door . It worked well and was a good conversation piece , except that Grandma hated it . There were a lot of jerry - rigged house parts in this area , as there was little money for repairs . The rest of the house was run down too , but cozy . There were lots of old pieces of stuffed furniture that years ago had already taken on the shape of the human form . Where the fabric had worn off , there were covers put on and tucked in at the edges . There were rug pictures hung on the walls . Very common in this part of the country . Mostly they were animal pictures : bears , tigers and deer . Also there were numerous drawings and paintings of my father 's , ones he had painted as a boy . They were all lost when Grandpa burned the house down . They were mostly scenes of the woods and the outdoors . Things I never saw my father interested in , maybe he just outgrew them . I often looked at them and wondered where that little boy was , that drew those pictures , and why I couldn 't find him in my father . I especially liked the early morning breakfasts my grandfather made . The smell of his special style of scrambled eggs mixed with the smoke of his Pall Mall cigarettes , non filtered , was a sure call to breakfast . He always seemed to know who would be up and always fixed just enough . I never could figure out how he did it . Sometimes it was just me and him . What a delight ! Those times made me feel so important . So special . I can still remember his pale skin beneath his white hair , a cigarette hanging from his lips as he spread jelly on toast . Sitting in one of those large pews with him at the head of the table seemed like dinning with royalty . NothingI did not want to make the sacrifices he did . I didn 't want to make sacrifices for the natives , even less for the little old ladies in the small town churches . Their lives were already spent . Why should I be their Sunday morning entertainment . I didn 't have my childhood for myself , it was given away to others , and I couldn 't stop it . I just wanted my life to be mine . I needed to play and be free to discover myself . Not be told who I was and how to be every single second of my life . I didn 't want to be a model for church congregations . I wanted to be on in my own skin , in my own mind , on my own turf . I wanted to forget all the grown up stuff - all that religion . I could choose that later , couldn 't I ? Maybe after I had completed my childhood job - playing - that wonderful activity that comes so naturally to children . I did not want it now ! The alter of sacrificing , suffering , physical or mental , religious or otherwise , was not one on which I was voluntarily going to through myself . I was glad when my father decided he was going back to Africa alone . It was still too dangerous for families we were told . He left and we stayed behind living at Grandpa 's . end chapter 12